Caller: “My Husband Has a Secret Tik Tok Account”

❤ ️⁠Join Dr. John Delony at Money & Marriage Getaway.⁠ On today’s episode, we hear about: A woman who discovered her husband’s secret TikTok account A husband struggling to enjoy sex with his wife A wife afraid she married her father Next Steps: 🔥 Microhabits for a Better Marriage: ⁠https://ter.li/l3b369p1⁠ 📋 Get on the same page before the week begins. Download Dr. John Delony’s free ⁠weekly marriage check-in⁠. 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or⁠ send us a message⁠. 📚⁠ Building a Non-Anxious Life⁠ 📝⁠ Anxiety Test⁠ 📚⁠ Own Your Past, Change Your Future⁠ ❓⁠ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards⁠ 💭⁠ John’s Free Guided Meditation⁠ 🤘🏼⁠ The Dr. John Delony Show Merch⁠ Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of⁠ BetterHelp⁠. Go to⁠ Capstone Wellness⁠ to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at⁠ Cozy Earth⁠. Get 20% off when you join⁠ DeleteMe⁠. Visit⁠ Hallow⁠ for a 90-day free trial. Visit⁠ Helix Sleep⁠ for special offers! Go to⁠ Joi + Blokes⁠ and get 65% off labs and 20% off products. Working knives for working people—go to⁠ Montana Knife Company⁠ to see what’s available now! Explore⁠ Poncho Outdoors⁠! Get 25% off your order at⁠ Thorne⁠. Visit⁠ Zander Insurance⁠ or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️⁠ The Ramsey Show⁠ 💸⁠ The Ramsey Show Highlights⁠ 🍸⁠ Smart Money Happy Hour⁠ 💰⁠ George Kamel⁠ 📈⁠ EntreLeadership⁠ ⁠Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Dr. John Delony?

  Brought to you by my friends at Churchill Mortgage. If you're looking to buy or refinance, check them out. I've used Churchill and they are great. Go to churchillmortgage.com.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  I was about one month postpartum with our second baby. I had found my partner's secret TikTok account where he was telling women that he loved them and commenting and messaging them some really gross things.

• 0:30Dr. John Delony?

  That's a big, big deal. You've been together almost a decade now. Has he cheated on you before?

• 0:39Dr. John Delony?

  Yo, yo, yo, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking real calls from real people who are trying to figure out how do we make sense of this wild world we've been dropped into? And how do we make sense of our marriages, our relationships with our kids, our coworkers, our jobs, our mental and emotional health, relationships with ourselves, all of it? So if you'd like to be on the show, I'd love to have you. Click the link in the show notes and we will get you on. And hey, before we start the show, listen, it is almost sold out, but my friend Rachel Cruz and I put on what I believe, and again, I'm a little bit biased, is the greatest marriage retreat on the planet.

• 1:22Dr. John Delony?

  October 22nd through 24th, come to Nashville, Tennessee, you and your spouse. And man, we will have a blast. Live Q and A's, teaching, special guests, panel discussions. I'll answer your anonymous questions. We'll do it all. And we will laugh a lot. There's usually a lot of tears that are shed. And most importantly, we do not shy away from any topic. We'll talk about sex, we'll talk about your money. We'll talk about like how to be married while you got kids or don't have kids or wish you had kids. And this year, every year, we change up all the, all the talks. We change up all the information. We change up everything. And this year, you're going to leave with a plan. Y'all hear me say this all the time.

• 2:06Dr. John Delony?

  How do you like, you gotta rebuild your marriage all the time? You're going to leave with a step-by-step guide on how to do that. So go to ramesysolutions.com/events or click the link in the show notes and it sells out every year. It always sells out, but get on it ASAP. It will be gone soon.

• 2:26Dr. John Delony?

  Let's go out to West Minister, Colorado and talk to Nicole. Hey Nicole, what's up?

• 2:32Speaker 01

  Hey, Dr. John, how are you?

• 2:33Dr. John Delony?

  Good, how are you?

• 2:36Speaker 01

  I'm doing okay.

• 2:37Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on?

• 2:39Speaker 01

  Um, so a few months ago, I was about one month postpartum with our second baby. And I had found my partner's secret TikTok account that he had for three years where he was telling women that he loved them and he was just like going on like these random girls' profiles and just commenting and messaging them some really gross things. And I, I don't know how to move on. I feel myself like building resentment and I just, I don't know how to talk to him about it. Sorry.

• 3:17Dr. John Delony?

  No, you're okay. That's a big, big deal.

• 3:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, we've been together almost nine years. So it's, it's a little bit of a rough patch that I'm finding myself having a hard time just trusting him and like I, we had a conversation about it, but I feel like in the moment, the conversation went good, but I haven't really noticed any change or at least change in how I feel. I don't feel like any more secure. And so many more months later, I don't, I don't know how to talk to him about it.

• 3:51Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 3:58Dr. John Delony?

  Has, has this happened before? You've been together almost a decade now. Has he cheated on you before? Has there been like an unsettled feeling in your relationship before?

• 4:10Speaker 01

  Physically, I don't think he's cheated on me, but the whole TikTok thing and social media has always been an issue in our relationship.

• 4:18Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about that.

• 4:21Speaker 01

  When we were together for two years, I had found, I just had weird gut feelings and I went through his phone and I saw that he was on TikTok and Instagram, like, you know, liking pictures of half naked women and, and hiding it. And I talked to him about it and he was really remorseful. And you know, I was, I was kind of like really insecure back then. And so I was just like, you know, it's, it's fine. You know, things happen. I haven't really had like a secure relationship before that. Um, so I was just like, I moved on from it. Still kind of, you know, didn't have complete trust issues. Um, and then we had our son three years ago.

• 5:05Speaker 01

  And for some reason, I thought having a kid would, you know, make everything a lot more secure. And I put my full trust in him and just kind of didn't think anything of the social media stuff for quite a while. Um, and it was just about a year and a half ago that I had found pornography in his photos. Tried to bring it up to him and say, you know, like, you know, this crosses the boundaries we've set. We've talked about things like this before. Um, I literally found it like holding my son in my arms while he was sleeping.

• 5:39Dr. John Delony?

  Oh gosh.

• 5:39Speaker 01

  And so it was just like, I don't know.

• 5:43Dr. John Delony?

  Was it pornography, like professionals or was it colleagues and people he works with?

• 5:50Speaker 01

  No, I think it was just random things he found online.

• 5:54Dr. John Delony?

  Ah, you just saved it? Okay.

• 5:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:57Dr. John Delony?

  So, so bring me fast forward to, um, here's, here's a couple of like principles I want you to just put in your back pocket. Okay.

• 6:09Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 6:10Dr. John Delony?

  Trust is something you do.

• 6:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:14Dr. John Delony?

  And when you do it well, when, when, in this situation, a married couple, when y'all do trust well, then over time, it increasingly produces a feeling of security. But when trust is broken, relying on how I feel is a really tough barometer because your body's got one job and that's to keep you safe. It never wants you to hurt like this again. And it will keep moving the feeling finish line. And so you have to rely on, and, and the reason I'm explaining it a little bit more than I usually do is I get a lot of questions about this. You've got to give him a path.

• 6:58Dr. John Delony?

  And then you've got to hope and pray that he will follow that path.

• 7:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:05Dr. John Delony?

  And you're not going to feel like it for a while because he's been doing this over and over and over again. Another way to say this is he's revealed who he is.

• 7:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:17Dr. John Delony?

  And there's two parts to that. Number one, he has revealed he likes looking at naked women. That doesn't make him insane. That makes him a normal guy, right? The, but he also is a man who doesn't believe in the fidelity agreement he made with his wife. Cause y'all said, like you said, you, y'all talked about, here's what we both agree is fidelity and what's not. He doesn't care that he is hurting his wife.

• 7:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:55Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I'm saying?

• 7:56Speaker 01

  When I brought up, yeah, I do. When I brought up the last TikTok stuff a few months ago, he asked me like, what do you want me to do?

• 8:04Dr. John Delony?

  Delete social media forever.

• 8:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's what I should have said, but I think I was just so, it was one month postpartum with our second child. I was just like in shock that, I don't know why I would be in shock if it's happened before, but like, I think it was more to an extreme extent.

• 8:22Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 8:22Speaker 01

  So I was like, the whole picture I've had of him has shattered.

• 8:27Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 8:27Speaker 01

  And I think I was just in shock from it. So I didn't, I didn't know what to say, but I, I wish I like hear your advice all the time and I wish I would have told him like, you know, for the path forward, like we gotta, you gotta delete social media and prove to me that it's not going to happen again because it's all been words, it's never been actions and.

• 8:47Dr. John Delony?

  So all we, all we have to do is this, living in the, I should have, or I wish I did, it just drains any sort of energy for, and you as a mom of two kids, you as a wife of a guy that has repeatedly shown you, I don't really care what you feel. I don't, right? And by the way, you and I both know this is not just with naked pictures on social media.

• 9:13Dr. John Delony?

  Because, because he went the extra step to create a fake account under a fake name that you would have to really look for. So that's intentional deception. That's not just, I lingered too long or I was watching a movie and then I got, I was like, whoa. And then I, you know what I mean? Saying like, like he went out of his way to create a world that you didn't exist in.

• 9:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're right.

• 9:37Dr. John Delony?

  And so that's a big deal. So you hear me say this a lot. I'll say it again, you're not crazy for feeling the way you feel. Cause this is bigger than just his eyeballs on half naked women. This is a pattern of you saying, this matters to me and we both agreed this mattered to us. And he's like, cool, cool, cool. I'm going to do an even better job of hiding it.

• 10:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:03Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so instead of, instead of wrapping, like spending any energy on, I should have, I should have, I should have, let's spend all that energy on, here's what I'm going to do next.

• 10:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:18Dr. John Delony?

  And if you're anything like me, you get hyper emotional like I, you probably don't get hyper emotional like I do, but like your feelings get big when you have hard conversations. So write it down.

• 10:29Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 10:29Dr. John Delony?

  We talked four months ago. I didn't give you a path. That's on me. Here's what must be true moving forward.

• 10:37Dr. John Delony?

  You, you asked me, I'll do anything. What do you want me to do? I'm telling you now. I want to watch you delete social media off the phone.

• 10:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:48Dr. John Delony?

  In fact, I want us to go to the AT&T store, to the Sprint mobile store, whatever. And I want us to get flip phones for a season.

• 10:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:58Dr. John Delony?

  Or whatever, whatever in your world, I'm going to get a router thing for our, for our, uh, home internet and for the phone. So it'll text me every time you go to one of those sites.

• 11:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's a good idea.

• 11:12Dr. John Delony?

  Right. You get to decide what you need, what you, and importantly, what you want. And then he gets to decide whether he wants to walk that path or not.

• 11:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, true. I just haven't wanted to, I've been so focused on what I don't want to make him feel, but like, I think it should be the other way around. And I've, I haven't put myself first in that way.

• 11:36Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And, and

• 11:41Dr. John Delony?

  this sounds counterintuitive, but marriage only works if two people are dedicated at some level to trying to out-serve each other. But that service begins with service to self. I've got to make sure I'm whole and well, so that I can give myself away to you. And part of you being whole and well is not having a husband who just rubs your nose in his disregard for your sense of safety and sense of well-being and sense of beauty and like connectivity and integrity, right? Like, like part of you being well is I have to be able to trust you. You're the father of my kids.

• 12:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:20Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And here's what trust looks like. Here's the path.

• 12:24Speaker 01

  Yeah. Cause like, you know, I find myself, I'm like, I go crazy because anytime like I, I walk into the room or, or like I'm over in the kitchen, he's in the living room. I'm like so busy trying to look over at shoulders, he was doing on his phone. And, and I'm tired of being so focused on what he's doing. And

• 12:42Dr. John Delony?

  Right.

• 12:43Speaker 01

  And you're right. That's just

• 12:44Dr. John Delony?

  And you're not present with yourself. You're not present with your kids. You're not present with him. You're present with trying to stay safe. And that puts you in this hyper vigilant state where you're always looking and looking and looking and looking and wondering and wondering. And when you're looking and wondering, you're also making up stories. And in your case, there's been enough times that your stories might be true, right?

• 13:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:06Dr. John Delony?

  And let me ask you this question. Is there a deeper level here? That here you are with two kids?

• 13:13Dr. John Delony?

  And you're doing all the stuff around the house and you got this guy over there just scrolling his phone?

• 13:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:21Dr. John Delony?

  That, and, and so if you look back on the nine years you all have been together?

• 13:28Dr. John Delony?

  And you feel like he's been cheating on you with that phone for a long time? And not just messaging other women, which is disgusting in and of itself, but in like, hey, what's so beautiful on that phone that it's more important than me?

• 13:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:43Dr. John Delony?

  Why don't you want to be in here making dinner with the family? Why don't you be in here playing with your kids?

• 13:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:49Dr. John Delony?

  And so having that deeper conversation. I want you present in the home.

• 13:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:55Dr. John Delony?

  I want a partner. I want a husband.

• 13:57Speaker 01

  Yeah. And the crazy thing is Dr. John, we're not even married yet.

• 14:01Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Why not?

• 14:03Speaker 01

  I don't know. He says he's gonna propose this year and he thought that I wanted this big extravagant wedding. And I told him, no, like I, I'm fine with going to the courthouse and we're doing a little party and you like, but you just gotta propose. You gotta show me that you want it. And he tells me he wants it, but

• 14:20Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Let me, let me ask you, I'm gonna ask you a really hard question. Okay? How long has he been telling you that?

• 14:28Speaker 01

  A couple of years now.

• 14:30Dr. John Delony?

  And you've heard me say this a thousand times. If behavior is a language, what's he telling you?

• 14:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:37Speaker 01

  It's not a very big priority for him. Cause there's always an excuse of, well, we gotta do this first. We gotta do that first.

• 14:46Speaker 01

  So yeah, you're right.

• 14:48Dr. John Delony?

  And I just went to, I, I want to kick you while you're down. Okay. I'll try and paint you another picture. I just went to a wedding of a young man and a young woman in Texas. And that guy would have burned the building down to marry that girl.

• 15:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:05Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I mean? It was like a

• 15:09Dr. John Delony?

  laser beam, eyes locked. This is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.

• 15:16Dr. John Delony?

  I'll fight all of you guys, but we're getting married.

• 15:22Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And, and I guess that's what you hear me say, you're worth that. You're worth that level.

• 15:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're right.

• 15:31Dr. John Delony?

  Um, and this is, gosh, now we're getting into some, this call is taking a different turn than I was expecting, but I, I, I wanted to do justice by you. Okay? Where do y'all live?

• 15:43Speaker 01

  Um, we live in Westminster, Colorado.

• 15:45Dr. John Delony?

  No, I mean, like, tell me, like, do you have an apartment? Do you live in a home? Do y'all, have y'all bought a house? Like, where do y'all live?

• 15:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, we live in a third story apartment.

• 15:55Dr. John Delony?

  Is his name on the lease?

• 15:58Speaker 01

  Um, both of ours is.

• 15:59Dr. John Delony?

  Both? Okay. So this is really hard for me to say, cause you don't need any more weight in the backpack you're carrying, but I wouldn't be telling you the truth if I didn't say it. You as a mother of two, unmarried to him? Are so frighteningly exposed right now.

• 16:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:23Dr. John Delony?

  Like if he chooses just to walk out that door, your name's on that lease.

• 16:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:30Dr. John Delony?

  Suddenly you gotta come up with all the rent or you and your two kids have nowhere to go.

• 16:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're right. I know. I, I listen to Dave Ramsey all the time. I know. I hear it.

• 16:42Dr. John Delony?

  There, there's just not, there, there's no, there's not a legal process to split things up. There's this, I'm walking out the door.

• 16:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:49Dr. John Delony?

  And you can have common law, y'all can figure that all out. But man, what a nightmare that would be trying to keep, because that will take a while, months, if not years. Um, and your kids will need to eat today. Right? You'll need to eat today.

• 17:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:05Speaker 01

  He's asked me, you know, like, and I, I see in some ways he's trying to be a better man. And I, I really do. I just, and I don't, to my full heart, I know he wouldn't just leave me and the kids high and dry. And he, he's a really good dad. He is. I think a lot of insecurity in his life has driven him. I'm not trying to excuse his behavior, but like, for some reason, I'm so empathetic towards the situation, no matter how much it's hurt me, because I see how insecure he still is to an extent. And I know that he's so insecurity driven that it's, you know, it's affected our relationship.

• 17:45Speaker 01

  It's affected our kids. And I just have to draw that boundary of it physically, like something needs to change physically. It just can't be words anymore.

• 17:55Dr. John Delony?

  It, well, and you're insecure too.

• 17:57Speaker 01

  I am. I am.

• 17:59Dr. John Delony?

  And so y'all have this dynamic of insecurity in your home and it, and one of you responds to insecurity by trying to be a peacekeeper and just put their head down and slowly but surely bury themselves. And the other person deals with their insecurity by numbing and living in a fantasy world. Where he thinks he's having interactions with all these half naked women all over the planet that may or may not even be real people.

• 18:26Speaker 01

  Yeah. And, and it's kind of, I feel awful for saying this, but I'm like grossed out a lot of the time when we have sex or I think about it too much. And, and it's just like, I

• 18:38Dr. John Delony?

  There's nothing, there's nothing awful about, there's nothing awful about that at all. That's your real feeling. That's a true, real, honest, good feeling.

• 18:48Speaker 01

  Yeah. I just don't know how to be honest with him about it.

• 18:51Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. You know, you know how to, how to be honest with him? Lead with that. I don't know how to be honest with you. So I'm just gonna say it all.

• 19:02Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 19:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:03Dr. John Delony?

  And you can use what I, like you, you'll hear me say on the show a lot, like, hey, can I be honest with you? Can I tell you something really hard? I say that all the time as a way to model how to have uncomfortable conversations. So look at him and say, I need to say a few things that are really hard.

• 19:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're right.

• 19:18Dr. John Delony?

  And if you, if you're honest, like I love you. I want to continue to try to create a life with you.

• 19:25Dr. John Delony?

  But the relationship we've had for the last nine years, where I can't trust you, I can't see, that's over now.

• 19:34Dr. John Delony?

  And my hope would be that he would watch you rise up like a phoenix.

• 19:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:42Dr. John Delony?

  And begin to take ownership of the woman inside your own skin and say, dude, I deserve more. And by the way, I love you and you deserve more too.

• 19:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:53Dr. John Delony?

  And maybe the greatest gift you could give him is a path. Here's what I want.

• 19:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're right.

• 19:59Dr. John Delony?

  When you walk in the door, I want your phone to go in a drawer. I don't want to see it again. I want to see your eyeballs.

• 20:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:07Dr. John Delony?

  And maybe he's

• 20:07Speaker 01

  I need to do that too, though.

• 20:09Dr. John Delony?

  There you go.

• 20:10Speaker 01

  I'm on my phone way too much.

• 20:12Dr. John Delony?

  Well, I mean, y'all are just in, who's, y'all are just both numbing each other. I mean, y'all are both numbing yourselves away from the core tension in your house, right?

• 20:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're right.

• 20:22Dr. John Delony?

  So I'm going to stare that tension down. I'm going to walk right through it.

• 20:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:28Dr. John Delony?

  And you can extend your hand out to him and say, I hope you walk with me. But here's what trust looks like.

• 20:34Dr. John Delony?

  And by the way, if you, for 60 days or 30 days, put your phone just away, just away,

• 20:42Dr. John Delony?

  you may get some breath back in your lungs. You may find yourself dancing with your kids.

• 20:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:49Dr. John Delony?

  You may find yourself laughing and singing, and you may also realize just how bad and neglectful your husband is.

• 20:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:58Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 21:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're right.

• 21:01Dr. John Delony?

  Either way, it's worth the risk, but the, the, the truth is your body is solving for this reality. Your body knows. And your mind just keeps trying to shut it down, shut it down with more scrolling, more scrolling, more avoidance. I'm not going to have these hard conversations, et cetera. Man, let's, the tension's a doorway. Let's go right through it. Right through it. Give him a path. Trust is something you do. And over time, the feeling continues to establish itself deeper and deeper. And you can fully exhale. Your, your spouse, your partner becomes home. Comes your safe place. But when trust is fractured, man, trust then becomes a thing that we work really hard at. And we can't go feelings first on that. You're gonna, he's gonna follow that path, hopefully, the first week.

• 21:47Dr. John Delony?

  And you may not feel any different, but you'll be able to look and say, he did all of these things. We're going to do a new path for the next week, and then a new one for the next week. And over time, you're going to find your shoulders starting to drop if he walks the walk.

• 22:01Dr. John Delony?

  If he walks the walk. Thanks for the call. I hate that you're in this situation. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Hate that he's in this situation. Hate those kids are in this situation.

• 22:14Dr. John Delony?

  You're a courageous woman. Go be brave.

• 22:17Dr. John Delony?

  We come back. A man asks how to respect his wife's experience with pain during sex while acknowledging his own desires. We'll be right back.

• 22:27Dr. John Delony?

  Nobody wants to talk about dying. I get it. It's not a good topic to talk about. And it's why so many of us avoid talking about life insurance. None of us want to imagine a world where we're not here anymore. But here's what you need to remember. Life insurance is not really for you. It's protection for the people you love and who love and count on you. And I recommend term life insurance from Zander Insurance. I've been using Zander Insurance for most of my adult life, long before I had a podcast. Why? Because I trust them. When a family loses someone they depend on, the last thing they need is financial stress on top of deep grief. Worrying about how you're going to keep the lights on, how they're going to pay the mortgage, how they're going to keep the kids in school.

• 23:11Dr. John Delony?

  All of this should be handled ahead of time. Term life insurance can take care of all of this for your family. So they can focus on grief and rebuilding their life instead of focusing on worry and fear. Xander makes the insurance process buying simple. Their team shops top rated companies for you, and they'll help you understand your options in plain language and help you find coverage that fits your budget and your family without pressure, gimmicks, or confusion. You don't need another sales pitch. You need protection for your loved ones. Xander's got you. Click the link in the description or go to xander.com to get a quote today. That's Xander with a Z, dot com.

• 23:54Dr. John Delony?

  This summer has been a wild one for me. I've been to eight different states, visiting several states more than once. I made a 40 hour round trip drive across the country. And I've been camping and staying in different places all around my home state of Tennessee. The two constants in all of this madness is, number one, I love traveling across the country and meeting new people. And number two, I love sleeping in my own bed. The best sleep I get, bar none, is when I get home and I snuggle into my own bed. And that great, amazing sleep starts with my amazing beloved mattress. My Helix Midnight Luxe mattress from Helix Sleep. Helix is not just a show sponsor for me.

• 24:39Dr. John Delony?

  My family, my friends, everyone around me is starting to sleep on Helix mattresses. Mainly because I won't shut up about how great they are, even when the cameras and the lights are off. Helix mattresses are so extraordinary because they build mattresses just for you and how you sleep. I want you to get online and take the Helix Sleep Quiz. I did it. It takes like two minutes and they will match you with just the right mattress for you from more than 20 different models designed for different sleep styles. And they've got cooling upgrades for you hot sleepers too. A Helix mattress will change your life for the better. Their best savings of the season are happening right now.

• 25:18Dr. John Delony?

  Go to helixsleep.com/deloney for their best of the web offer and get 27% off site wide. That's 27% off site wide at helix, H E L I X, helixsleep.com/deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, Charleston, South Carolina. Let's talk to Marcus. Hey, Marcus, what's up, man?

• 25:41Speaker 02

  Hey, how's it going?

• 25:42Dr. John Delony?

  Doing all right, brother. How are you?

• 25:45Speaker 02

  Can't complain. Wouldn't do much good if I did anyway.

• 25:47Dr. John Delony?

  I was gonna say you could, then you sound like Kelly, but go ahead. What's up?

• 25:51Speaker 02

  Hey, so, um, in short, my question is, um,

• 25:58Speaker 02

  my wife experiences a lot of pain, um, during intercourse. And I want to figure out the best way that I can respect her.

• 26:10Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about the word respect.

• 26:12Speaker 02

  Like, obviously, she's going through a lot. And that's why for a while

• 26:21Speaker 02

  I stopped pursuing anything because I could tell that the pain was bothering her.

• 26:28Speaker 02

  And so I thought that was the best way to respect her, was just like, let's not do anything at all.

• 26:37Dr. John Delony?

  I, I'm, I'm going to give you like the super benefit of the doubt that you're like a great guy and you want to do this right.

• 26:45Dr. John Delony?

  And that in some days you feel like, I really want to have sex with my wife. And then you feel like a bad guy because you also know she's in pain. And you don't want to ever hurt your wife. And so you get, you kind of get trapped. And on the other side, she wants to sleep with her husband and it hurts.

• 27:03Dr. John Delony?

  And there's a challenge there because we don't have a, y'all don't have a dialogue, a way to dialogue about this, right?

• 27:10Speaker 02

  Yeah. Well, we, we have, we have talked about it.

• 27:13Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about how those conversations go.

• 27:15Speaker 02

  So typically, to be honest, I don't know how to have those conversations. It's very odd, um, for me because it's different from what I grew up thinking that everything would be once we were married. And so

• 27:32Dr. John Delony?

  How long have y'all been married?

• 27:34Speaker 02

  About four years now.

• 27:35Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 27:37Speaker 02

  Um, and so when we first had been married, I could tell there was pain, but that was kind of normal because, you know, she was a virgin when we got married.

• 27:50Dr. John Delony?

  Still doesn't make it normal, but keep going, keep going.

• 27:53Speaker 02

  I know, well, yeah, um, but anyway, so I, we kind of, over time, I thought it was going away, that pain.

• 28:05Speaker 02

  And to be honest, I don't think I was as inquisitive as I should have been. As time went on, I just thought, you know, the first time is, you know, painful. And then it just, I just, that was my understanding. I didn't ask questions. I was just ignorant. And then over time, I realized at a certain point that she was still in pain. And at that point, it made me overthink or not overthink, just realize all that time that I thought things had gotten better, it was not. It had actually just stayed the same. And so then we had our fir-, that first conversation. I just told her like, I'm sorry, like, I really, I had no idea. I wish you would have said something.

• 28:50Speaker 02

  And I should have said something to you, like, I should have, you know, been asking questions and,

• 28:57Speaker 02

  so when we first had that conversation, it was just, can you communicate? Like, I want you to just tell me about that. And she, we're, we're, we communicate about everything now. But, um,

• 29:11Speaker 02

  I think that go, a whole nother discussion about how she grew up and things like that, why she didn't communicate. But, um, I think for me, it was that initial communication, it was like, I want you to tell me. Like, I, I know we both want this, but I also feel weird when I can tell, like, she, because she wants to, she'll initiate it. And then we'll be in the middle of it. I could tell she's in pain. And I'm like, I, like, it's kind of weird, almost emasculin as it sounds like, I just want, I just stop. Because I'm like, this doesn't, I'm not at all turned on, I guess, by my wife in pain. Like, I feel bad. I don't want to, it just makes me want to stop.

• 29:55Speaker 02

  Um, and then she feels bad because she's like, she, at first she thought that it was something about her that she looked a certain way. Or, no, no, no, I told, tell her like, no, it's not that. It's that I just don't like seeing you in pain. It's like the opposite of what my purpose is.

• 30:11Dr. John Delony?

  Is she tell, is she communicating to you that she is in pain? She's just trying to hide it?

• 30:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's what was happening for all those years.

• 30:18Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So what does, there's two separate tracks here. Track number one is she pursuing, there's, there's so much amazing.

• 30:30Dr. John Delony?

  Therapy, there's so much amazing and not, not there, there obviously is psychological therapy, but I'm talking, I'm, I'm talking about physical therapy.

• 30:37Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 30:38Dr. John Delony?

  Um, it, and there's medications, there's all sorts of hormone treatment, like there's so much going on there. Is she pursuing any of that?

• 30:48Speaker 02

  Yes, public floor therapy. She started seeing her and that did help.

• 30:53Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 30:54Speaker 02

  Um, but that was very recent. That was actually after I put in the initial question.

• 31:00Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So it sounds like there's a couple of things going on here. One, you and your wife both want to be together and there's physical pain. Right? And so how do we navigate the painful part? It, let me, let me put it this way. Um, if our sexual encounter is, can only be distilled down by intercourse, then we've really limited ourselves, especially during this season. Right? And my hope is y'all look back in 25 years and y'all remember this season.

• 31:42Dr. John Delony?

  Right? It's not for the rest of your life. That's, that's my hope. Right? There's no guarantee, but that's my hope. Um, is there a thousand, million, billion other things we can do to be together intimately that doesn't, that doesn't require that one particular act?

• 32:02Speaker 02

  Yes. And that's actually what we've been, that's what we've been trying to do.

• 32:10Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 32:11Speaker 02

  Recent here, oh, since I found out, um, since I realized, I should say, since I realized, um, yeah, we've been doing that.

• 32:18Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So that's number one. And, and around that, like the whole intimacy is just a secret world between the two of you. Inside that secret world, can we, can we laugh? Can we be disappointed? Can we be frustrated? Can we be adventurous? Can we like bring play into that secret world? You get what I'm saying?

• 32:41Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 32:42Dr. John Delony?

  And can we have compassion and grace for each other? And can she never one time wonder, does this man love me? Is this man on my side? Is this man, here, here's a crazy word. Is this man nice? Is he just kind? Right?

• 32:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:57Dr. John Delony?

  And at the same time, can you pursue her and desire her in a way that makes her feel pursued and desired without pain? Right?

• 33:09Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 33:10Dr. John Delony?

  And her giving you a really clear roadmap. And what I've heard from couples over and over in your same situation is when they develop a good dialogue and a, a good way of communicating and talking and it's not just, it's not logistics. It's not a list of physical acts, of sexual acts, right? It becomes a language of play and it becomes a language of adventure and becomes a language of, well, I'll try, let's try this. And it, it, I hear over and over and over that that becomes way more intimate and sexual and romantic, if you, I mean, all those words just mushed together than

• 33:52Dr. John Delony?

  just trading orgasms through intercourse, which by the way, only a small percentage of women even have like orgasms through intercourse. Right? So that's, that's number one is developing, continuing to develop a conversation, like a way to communicate with each other.

• 34:11Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 34:13Dr. John Delony?

  The second thing is, is it sounds like you've got, I don't know if it's embarrassment, I don't know if it's shame, I don't know if it's, you're upset with yourself. Um, but if you can look in the mirror and say, man, I had no idea. I was doing my absolute best in no world would I want to hurt my wife. I love her. I'm so sorry. And she has said, no, no, no, I, I, I didn't tell you. I wanted this so bad too. And I just wanted to be a good team player. And she, it sounds like she has a lot of baggage from how she grew up also of what her duty and role and responsibilities are. Um, like y'all both having a, a moment of, we're going to set the shame part down.

• 34:58Dr. John Delony?

  We've never been married before and we, we both wish we'd done things differently and now here we are. And so I will be your biggest cheerleader, not just so I can, you know, have sex with you, but I'm going to be your biggest cheerleader because I want you to have pain. Right? I want you to feel good.

• 35:16Speaker 02

  Yeah. That's what I've tried. I've tried figuring out because personally I, I'm very go, go, go. And, uh, I know that that is not just like, that when it comes to this in particular, it's not just a me thing. It's a, it's something a lot of people, a lot of guys struggle with. And so I've tried implementing things over the last couple, since I've, since I found out, I've tried being more intentional with the things that I guess could, I don't know how to put it, but I guess, make her feel better to be in an environment like that, you know? I don't know if that makes any sense, just trying to be-

• 36:00Dr. John Delony?

  No, you, on, on this show, you can just say it. What are you, what are you saying?

• 36:03Speaker 02

  Okay. Um, so just being a little bit more, trying to get her more willing to be turned on, I guess. Um,

• 36:16Dr. John Delony?

  What does that mean?

• 36:17Speaker 02

  I don't, I don't, like, trying to make her feel open. So it doesn't just feel like, okay, I'm go, go, go. Now it's go time.

• 36:27Dr. John Delony?

  Gotcha.

• 36:28Speaker 02

  That makes sense. Like where it's just, she already has that throughout her day, like trying to be more intentional with the message, like just sending her texts when I'm at work and, um, you know, thinking, making sure I call her when I'm away and all this kind of stuff. Like just, and then, but that's the thing is like, then there's times around the house where I know there's more that I can do. There's, I know there's more, but I don't know what that is. And when I ask her, it's mostly like, you know, there's nothing in particular, like most of the stuff. And so I don't know if that is another one of those things where like she just doesn't want to say it, but I can't get that conversation where it's like, okay, I need to, you know, take care of this for

• 37:11Speaker 02

  you. So you don't have to worry about it. And then sometimes I do. And then it's like, it, she's appreciative of it and she's happy about it. And, um, that's what I want. And so I guess being creative enough to find those things on my own where I don't have to ask her what I can do, I struggle with that.

• 37:29Dr. John Delony?

  So I, there's, there's, there's two simple paths. Okay. Number one, like, like just between you and me and a couple of million people listening, you don't have to get creative. You know what needs to be done around the house. Just, just make a point of it to get up 15 minutes earlier, go to bed 10 minutes later, just do it. Right? Like, like just make a point that there's a few things I'm just going to start making a regular habit of doing. And the second thing is, and, and by the way, if, like, if she doesn't like it, if she doesn't want you to be doing it, or if she starts to feel guilty that you're working all day and you're doing this thing, um, the second thing y'all do is you create, I'm

• 38:11Dr. John Delony?

  going to ask you every day of your life, how can I love you today? And she says, I don't know, I don't know. Say, I'm going to do something. And if she's like, I, I really, I don't know. You love me so well. And say, cool. And then you go do a thing. And if you keep showing, and by the way, and then you say, here's the way you can love me today. And if you keep showing up and showing up, what you're going to do is give her not intellectual permission or cognitive permission, to say it nerdy, you're going to give her nervous system permission. This guy's in. He's all in.

• 38:46Speaker 02

  What's funny is she actually does ask that question. It's because we, we do watch your show.

• 38:54Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 38:55Speaker 02

  Um, and when she asks, I don't know how to respond either. Like I'll just tell her, make up something.

• 39:00Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know. Give, give her the gift of a purpose. Give her the gift of a directed action, a thing.

• 39:09Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 39:10Dr. John Delony?

  It'd be super awesome if like sometime in the afternoon, you shot me a text message. Just do that. That'd be awesome. And if you know in your day, you kind of find yourself grumpy at 11 a.m. or at 2:30 p.m. or whenever, just be like, dude, that'd be awesome. But give her that gift. But if y'all are both just in this loop of, how can I love you? I don't know. How can I love you? I don't know. All right. See you later. Somebody's got to go first, man. Right?

• 39:45Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 39:47Dr. John Delony?

  And, and by the way, you're allowed to be frustrated that you're not having as much sex as you would like because there's medical issues. You're allowed to be frustrated. It's okay. But I would say you're, I'd say you're not allowed. Like the difference between being a really supportive, loving husband and just like a double barreled ass is choosing to walk alongside her and hold her hand through her therapy, through her pain, through her going slow, being kind, um, being as playful and full of laughter as possible. And when she's upset and frustrated, you sit in that with her without making external demands.

• 40:28Dr. John Delony?

  And also finding things like committing to play. I'll send you the questions for humans intimacy deck. I'll send you all, all of the dating decks too. They're just fun questions to have, but create a conversa, like a, a, inside the secret world, are we just always sharing stuff, talking about stuff, laughing about stuff? And some of that stuff is wild sex stuff. And some of that stuff is wild memory stuff. And some of that stuff is wild dreams we have together. It's all of it. Right? But you walk in and saying, hey, here's somebody to be. I'm going to be a man who loves you and pursues you. I would love a path to pursuit. And if you can't give me one, cool. Um, if you're uncomfortable giving me one, I'm going to be gentle and slow and walk towards it.

• 41:10Dr. John Delony?

  But I gotta trust you that you're not going to, you're not going to put yourself in harm's way. You're not going to allow me to harm you while, while I see how hard you're working, um, to get, to get well and whole. And I'm always going to be nice. And I'm always going to be kind. And I'm always going to be like, dude, I am a grown man. I'm fine. And also, yeah, it'd be awesome to be asleep with my wife seven nights a week, but that's not realistic right now. And so you're going to have a husband that's going to hold your hand and lay right here next to you and we'll watch a TV show. Um, because that's the kind of guy you married. A man who is ride or die. Sickness and health.

• 41:50Dr. John Delony?

  And when y'all ask to do that exercise in the morning of how can I love you? Give her a thing. Give her the gift of purpose. And if she says, I don't know, I'm doing a thing. And keep showing up and keep showing up and keep showing up. And I guarantee you at some point sooner than you think she's going to say, man, it'd really be helpful if, I'd really love it if, and man, you'll be all over it. Thanks for calling, man. This is a, this is, and I appreciate your, your willingness to have this conversation publicly, man. I get this call all the time, all the time, um, behind closed doors. So, man, it's a, it's an honor that, that you called in. You helped a lot of people with your, with your willingness to be open today.

• 42:32Dr. John Delony?

  When I'm cooking at home, chopping up vegetables, trimming a venison or T-bone steak, or when I'm feeling a little bit extra dramatic and cutting up a nice fruit tray, I want to know the knives I'm using will actually do what they're supposed to do. Cutwell. This is why I bought my wife the culinary kitchen knives from Montana Knife Company, and it's why I use them as much as she does. Montana Knife Company knives are razor sharp right out of the box. They're balanced and they do what they're supposed to do over and over again. Their knives perfect it. Montana Knife Company makes their knives right here in the United States, and years of experience go into every blade. They come with a free lifetime sharpening guarantee, which I've used. I've sent them off and got all my knives right back razor sharp again.

• 43:18Dr. John Delony?

  And these knives will still be sharp when my great grandkids are cooking with them. Head to mkc.com to see what's available right now. And one thing you should know, Montana Knife Company knives sell out fast. Sign up for email and text alerts so you can be among the first to know of new releases. That's mkc.com.

• 43:38Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go to Jacksonville, Florida and talk to Emma. Hey, Emma, what's up?

• 43:43Speaker 03

  Hey, oh my goodness, this is crazy that you're talking to me. Thanks for taking my call.

• 43:49Dr. John Delony?

  It's wild that you're talking to me. Thanks for calling. What's up?

• 43:53Speaker 03

  Okay, uh, I feel or think, I think I married somebody who is so much like my dad that they get mixed up in my head. And my dad is not a good person for you to want to be married to. So, um, it gets really, it gets really muddy sometimes, like, uh, when we're dealing with difficult situations, like me and my husband, if we're arguing about something, um, I guess like I need to go back that and, and explain that I did have my dad around when I was younger a little bit. He had alcohol problems, drug abuse. I had him randomly in and out of my life.

• 44:35Speaker 03

  Um, and then I lived with him for about a year when I was 19. And I was like, oh, I want to see what my dad's really like because, you know, I didn't really get to grow up with him. Bad choice. My mom told me not to, but I didn't listen to her. And, um, he actually was in prison for a while. And so I've been married for eight years. And, um, we have four kids. And I, my dad hasn't met them. Like, he just hasn't been a part of our, my life. And, um, now he got out of prison about a year ago. And he's started to really try, he's been going to church, he's been trying to be a part of the family. He's gotten to know my kids, you know, and so now I'm really like,

• 45:20Speaker 03

  different things are resurfacing, stuff from my childhood that I'm like, oh, I forgot that. Or like being around my dad. And now I'm looking at my dad and my husband and I'm like, whoa, like, there's so many similarities that I, I keep seeing. And so, um, kind of recently, like within the past couple of months, me and my husband were arguing about like alcohol specifically, like, I realized that I didn't like when my husband was drinking and I could smell alcohol on him and we were being intimate. Um, it brought back just my dad, really, like, in my thoughts, in my feelings when we're being intimate. And so I, I told my husband like, hey, you know, when you're drinking, I just don't want you to be like kissing all over me and stuff like that.

• 46:06Speaker 03

  And he got upset with me. Well, he said like, okay, you know, I understand, but honestly, I think it's, I think you're saying this just because you're dad. This isn't me. Like, you don't have a problem with me doing this. It's your dad. And your problem is actually with your dad and you need to tell him you don't want him drinking, you know? And I'm like, mm, okay, I'll think about it for a little bit because I'm sure that is probably true that like, I don't want my dad drinking.

• 46:31Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on, hold on, Emma, hold on.

• 46:33Speaker 03

  Okay, okay, okay, okay.

• 46:38Dr. John Delony?

  I'm pausing mainly because Kelly tells me I'm not allowed to swear on this show.

• 46:45Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And I'm trying to get my,

• 46:49Dr. John Delony?

  like, I just felt him coming out, old high school John, and he usually does not come out.

• 46:57Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Or worse than high school John is college John. Um, I've been to a lot of therapy to

• 47:05Dr. John Delony?

  quiet that guy down. He's a hothead and he runs his mouth a lot.

• 47:11Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 47:11Dr. John Delony?

  Um,

• 47:24Dr. John Delony?

  let's clear the deck completely. Okay?

• 47:27Speaker 03

  Okay, all right.

• 47:29Dr. John Delony?

  And I need you to hear me say this as clearly as possible.

• 47:33Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 47:37Dr. John Delony?

  If your husband is unsafe, then your husband's unsafe.

• 47:42Dr. John Delony?

  And if there are things that you want, and I'll go as far to say, and need to feel safe in your marriage, I don't care where it's from. I don't care who it's from.

• 47:58Dr. John Delony?

  His job as your husband, especially in as delicate of a situation as having sex,

• 48:08Dr. John Delony?

  his job is to honor his wife,

• 48:12Dr. John Delony?

  not to give up BS pseudo psychological reasons why he should be able to do whatever the hell he wants to do.

• 48:24Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 48:25Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 48:26Dr. John Delony?

  Period. And you and I both know, just, I'd let you go, I'll let you just keep talking for a minute because I want to, like, you and I both know this is not just about alcohol and sex.

• 48:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:41Dr. John Delony?

  And so you, you grew up in hell, right?

• 48:46Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 48:48Dr. John Delony?

  And then you got exposed behind the curtain of hell at 19, right?

• 48:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:56Dr. John Delony?

  And your body put GPS pins in all those moments

• 49:03Dr. John Delony?

  where you weren't safe.

• 49:06Dr. John Delony?

  And then it loves you enough to scan the environment 24/7, 365 to make sure those things aren't going off, those alarms.

• 49:15Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm. Yeah.

• 49:17Dr. John Delony?

  And if your husband sets those alarms off,

• 49:23Dr. John Delony?

  that doesn't mean that it's all because of your dad. That just means your body has seen this thing before and it knows what's coming.

• 49:30Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 49:33Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's a really cool way to put it.

• 49:35Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 49:36Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 49:39Dr. John Delony?

  Let me say it a different way. Your husband can be a terrible man too.

• 49:54Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 49:55Dr. John Delony?

  He might be amazing. And it's just that the smell of alcohol or the smell of an old cologne just gets under your, like, it just, man, your body starts sounding the alarms and you have to tell him, tell your own body, hey, hey, I wasn't safe then. I'm safe now. Hey, honey, the smell of alcohol is such a turn off to me.

• 50:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:14Dr. John Delony?

  I'm going to ask you, like, I don't, I don't want to kiss you. I don't want to sleep with you if you've been drinking.

• 50:23Dr. John Delony?

  And then what a good man would say to his amazing wife would be, I'll never have a drink again because I value you. I value sleeping with you. I value connecting with you. I value you feeling safe inside your own house, especially in our bed, way more than a beer.

• 50:40Speaker 03

  And, and to, you know, I do want to say that he, he did, like, I don't think he drank for a whole month after I said that.

• 50:50Dr. John Delony?

  A whole month? Wow.

• 50:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:52Dr. John Delony?

  Gosh.

• 50:52Speaker 03

  And then he's

• 50:53Dr. John Delony?

  That's not very long, Emma.

• 50:55Speaker 03

  Oh, I think it's long for someone who likes drinking and drinks like all the time every night for them to like be able to cut it off.

• 51:02Dr. John Delony?

  Does your husband have an alcohol problem?

• 51:05Speaker 03

  He, he, I mean,

• 51:07Dr. John Delony?

  Yes or no?

• 51:08Speaker 03

  He definitely used to, I don't know, but like definitely he used to. It's always been an issue in our marriage where I'm like, hey, you got to stop drinking. You're drinking way too much, like,

• 51:18Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, then, then you have to have the courage to say my husband has a drinking problem.

• 51:23Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 51:26Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 51:27Dr. John Delony?

  Is that fair?

• 51:29Speaker 03

  I think so, but like he controls it well, I think.

• 51:32Dr. John Delony?

  Then why, why have you had to tell him over and over in your relationship that you're drinking too much?

• 51:37Speaker 03

  He just gets carried away and doesn't think about it anymore. And I have to remind him.

• 51:41Dr. John Delony?

  Carried away is the opposite of under control.

• 51:45Speaker 03

  Okay. All right. He has a drinking problem.

• 51:49Dr. John Delony?

  I don't want that for him. I don't want that for you, but if that's the reality, then let's have the guts to just look at reality and say, this is the truth.

• 51:58Dr. John Delony?

  And it's scary to say that because you lived with a man who had an alcohol problem.

• 52:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:08Dr. John Delony?

  You also, and dude, I'll get dark here for a second. You, you still with me?

• 52:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:14Dr. John Delony?

  You also understand what it's like to be that little girl saying daddy, daddy, where are you? And he's sitting right next to you on the couch and you got four little kids.

• 52:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:25Dr. John Delony?

  And your nervous system is running this back. It's seen this script before.

• 52:30Dr. John Delony?

  And it knows the haunting 13-year-old girl looking in the mirror saying, what was so bad about me that dad left?

• 52:42Dr. John Delony?

  You're not crazy.

• 52:46Dr. John Delony?

  There's not something wrong with you.

• 52:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:49Dr. John Delony?

  Your body's working perfectly.

• 52:55Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 53:01Speaker 03

  Okay, I'm taking notes.

• 53:11Dr. John Delony?

  My question for you is, like, do you think you're...

• 53:17Dr. John Delony?

  Is your husband a good guy?

• 53:21Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 53:22Dr. John Delony?

  That was a long pause, Emma. That was a long pause.

• 53:27Speaker 03

  Um, he is.

• 53:29Dr. John Delony?

  I have friends that I think are great guys that drink too much.

• 53:31Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 53:31Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 53:32Speaker 03

  Okay, yeah.

• 53:33Dr. John Delony?

  I think they drink too much. I give them a hard time about it. They give me a hard time about it. Um, about me giving them a hard time, but they're, they are great men. They're good guys.

• 53:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:41Dr. John Delony?

  I don't want them around my kids, but they're good guys.

• 53:43Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 53:43Dr. John Delony?

  All right?

• 53:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:46Dr. John Delony?

  Is your husband a good man?

• 53:48Speaker 03

  I think he is.

• 53:49Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Is, is he on a trajectory to end up where your dad did?

• 53:55Speaker 03

  No.

• 53:55Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. All right.

• 53:58Speaker 03

  No.

• 54:01Dr. John Delony?

  So when your body

• 54:04Dr. John Delony?

  rises up to protect you,

• 54:07Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 54:07Dr. John Delony?

  whether that's a feeling of fear, a feeling of anxiousness, a feeling of your chest gets real tight, a feeling of you just want to get under a blanket and not come out.

• 54:19Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 54:21Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to make a fist and put it right in the middle of your chest and breathe and exhale really deeply and ask yourself, is my body right?

• 54:31Dr. John Delony?

  Am I safe right now?

• 54:33Dr. John Delony?

  Is my husband present with me and these kids, or is he present with his drink? I can't recommend strongly enough for you, the work you've got to do is to go sit with a trauma therapist and

• 54:44Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 54:45Dr. John Delony?

  set the cinder blocks that your dad handed you down. And I, I, I don't know that any one who grew up like you did could do that by themselves.

• 54:55Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 54:57Dr. John Delony?

  But he's still running your life.

• 55:02Dr. John Delony?

  And now more than he's been in a long time, he's back in it.

• 55:07Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm, yeah.

• 55:09Dr. John Delony?

  And your body's going to do one job, and that's try to keep you safe.

• 55:15Dr. John Delony?

  And no matter how many intellectual shoulds, have tos, need tos,

• 55:22Dr. John Delony?

  you try to convince yourself of, your body's going to be like, that guy's a snake. He's bitten us too many times.

• 55:30Dr. John Delony?

  And until we can teach our body, and this is just, this is what a good trauma therapist will do, until we can teach our body, I wasn't okay then, but I'm okay now. I'm strong now. I've been working hard.

• 55:42Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 55:44Dr. John Delony?

  I get to choose what happens next with my kids. I get to choose what happens next with my life.

• 55:52Dr. John Delony?

  Just because you got out of jail and started going to church doesn't mean you just get a an all-access pass back into my life.

• 55:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 55:59Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 56:00Speaker 03

  I definitely jumped straight into that.

• 56:02Dr. John Delony?

  Of course.

• 56:03Speaker 03

  And was hanging out with him all the time and uh, I had to pull back.

• 56:09Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 56:10Speaker 03

  To where, like, right now, I, I haven't seen him, I haven't talked to him in about two months. He did come to church and I saw him and I hugged him and just cried.

• 56:19Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 56:19Speaker 03

  But that was all, and I realized, like, I couldn't have a relationship with him until I

• 56:27Speaker 03

  I did start seeing a therapist about a month ago now. I see her once a week. And so we're, I'm going to try to, like, talk through these certain things, if I can work through them, so I can have a healthy relationship with my dad, but it was getting so mixed up there.

• 56:43Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 56:43Speaker 03

  Like, that's like, having the two of us.

• 56:45Dr. John Delony?

  The healthiest relationship you got to begin with is a relationship with you and at, at the age you're at now, and seven-year-old you. You've got to heal that relationship.

• 56:59Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 57:01Dr. John Delony?

  And from that relationship,

• 57:05Dr. John Delony?

  you can then begin to look at the truth about your marriage. And again, I way overhit the pendulum on your husband. I was just trying to shake things up here. He may be a pretty good guy that just drinks way too much. And you got to have the courage to sit down and say,

• 57:22Dr. John Delony?

  this is what our kids deserve, this is what I deserve, and here's what I want.

• 57:27Dr. John Delony?

  And also you have to hold space for, he may look at you like your dad did and walk out the door.

• 57:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 57:33Dr. John Delony?

  I hope to God he's a good man, like you say he is, and he'd be like, I don't like this, but I'll go to, I'm gonna go to rehab. I'm gonna go to AA.

• 57:41Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 57:41Dr. John Delony?

  Be awesome. I hope that helps, sister, but yeah, you're, it's time for you to walk in, back into the therapist and say, I'm ready to set down my dad, and I know it's going to be some work, it's going to be a lot of body work, it's going to be a lot of trauma therapy, but we're, it's time for us to, I'm going to set these bricks down. My car, and my dad's not sitting at my kitchen table anymore and running my life anymore, like he has for a long, long time. I'm going to be honest about my marriage. I'm going to tell my husband what I want.

• 58:07Dr. John Delony?

  Thank you so much for the call. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I know a lot of you out there are trying to keep it together all the time. You show up to work, you pay the bills, you smile at the right times, but then no one sees you snap at your spouse. They don't see you sitting awake at 2:00 AM, running through everything you wish you'd done differently that day. Listen, just because you're functioning doesn't mean you're okay. Talking to someone else is a great way to process what's happening in your life and getting to the root of your challenges. That's where BetterHelp comes in. BetterHelp will match you with one of their 30,000 licensed therapists. Someone you can be real with and finally put down some of the weight you've been carrying.

• 58:49Dr. John Delony?

  They can help you get perspective and see the other side of your situations and help you with a plan for moving forward. BetterHelp therapists all follow a strict code of ethics, and if the first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch for no extra cost. Listen, asking for help before you hit a wall is in a weakness. It's wisdom and strength. If you're exhausted from always having to hold everything together, trust a BetterHelp therapist to help you carry the load. Go to betterhelp.com/daloni for 10% off. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P, dot com, slash, daloni. All right, we're back. What's up, Kelly?

• 59:29Speaker 04

  So, I have a cool crap that happened.

• 59:31Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome.

• 59:32Speaker 04

  And

• 59:33Dr. John Delony?

  Kelly, hey, Kelly told me that she got the shirt she's wearing at Forever 21, where she shops, and I want to tell you, you look good in it.

• 59:41Speaker 04

  I hate you sometimes.

• 59:43Dr. John Delony?

  Hot Topic, Hot Topic, not Forever 21. I meant Hot Topic.

• 59:46Speaker 04

  First of all, Hot Topic would never have anything this, like, white in there. Says the guy in a band, black band shirt.

• 59:54Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I guess I'm the Hot Topic guy right now.

• 59:56Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 59:56Dr. John Delony?

  All right.

• 59:57Speaker 04

  Uh, I do recall for your band last year, you went into Hot Topic and spent

• 1:00:01Dr. John Delony?

  A lot of money. I, I went into Hot Topic this year, and I just left with nothing. I was like, y'all have gone, I was going to buy things ironically, and I couldn't even, I couldn't even do it ironically this time.

• 1:00:13Speaker 04

  No, last year you bought things unironically. I do believe.

• 1:00:17Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 1:00:18Speaker 04

  That wallet on the chain.

• 1:00:19Dr. John Delony?

  I did buy a chain wallet.

• 1:00:19Speaker 04

  Exactly. That lasted a little longer than it should have.

• 1:00:23Dr. John Delony?

  I pulled the chain wallet back out the other day at the big concert, and I think it needs to make a forever return.

• 1:00:30Speaker 04

  Yeah, let me know what Sheila thinks about that.

• 1:00:32Dr. John Delony?

  At this point,

• 1:00:34Speaker 04

  She's just given up.

• 1:00:35Dr. John Delony?

  She is so far given up on my clothing choices.

• 1:00:39Speaker 04

  All right, so I have a cool crap, and this one is very cool. So, uh, this is from Jewel, and that's all we're gonna say.

• 1:00:48Speaker 04

  Are you done?

• 1:00:49Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:49Speaker 04

  Okay. "When I first had my child, I felt things that were extremely off by the man that I was with, and somehow you, you two recommended me your videos while I was on maternity leave. I would listen to these when he wasn't home, and as time went on, I started connecting the dots as the abuse ramped up. Eventually, I changed banks, contacted my work, did some secret planning, and escaped to a domestic violence shelter. And now, almost a year later, and a very chaotic one after that, I am now living at family's home where he doesn't know the location, and I'm waiting to get into housing. I think if I never came across your videos, I would still be in my own head thinking that I was the problem. I won't go into the details of the abuse, but I am eternally grateful to all of you."

• 1:01:32Dr. John Delony?

  Let's start growing up. Thank you for sharing that.

• 1:01:36Dr. John Delony?

  And Jewel, I I'm so proud of you.

• 1:01:41Dr. John Delony?

  Man, I'm kind of speechless. Thank you. Thanks for sending that note in. I'm proud of you. Proud of you, proud of you, proud of you.

• 1:01:49Dr. John Delony?

  Keep grinding. Man, thanks for sharing that, Kelly.