My School Project Turned Into A Porn Addiction

🔥 Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app. On today’s episode, we hear about: - A man wanting to overcome an AI porn addiction - A wife who doesn’t like her husband’s gifts - A woman who wants John to settle a debate between her and her husband Next Steps: ❤️ Get away with your spouse today! 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: · Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. · Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. · Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. · Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. · Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! · Working knives for working people—Go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! · Explore Poncho Outdoors! · Head to Shady Rays and use code DELONY for 40% off two or more polarized sunglasses. · Get 25% off your order at Thorne. · Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  I'm in the process of becoming a social scientist and I did a book report on emerging technologies like robotics and AI specifically in the realm of relational communication and it stems a little bit into sexual communication and I didn't realize I flew a little bit too close to the sun and yeah, I got hooked.

• 0:30Dr. John Delony?

  Hey, what's going on? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Man, I'm so glad that you are here taking your calls. Real people with real challenges from all over the planet about their relationships, their mental and emotional health, what's going on with their kids, what's going on in their sex lives, what's going on in their churches, whatever you got going on in your life. I'm gonna pull up a seat and you're gonna pull up a seat and we're gonna figure out what's the next right move. Hey, one thing that makes a huge difference is if you're a regular listener to the show and I travel all over the country speaking to, doing live events and hanging out with folks and so many of you tell me like you do not miss an episode Monday, Wednesday, Friday. I'm so grateful

• 1:13Dr. John Delony?

  for that. If you listen to a particular episode and it makes it impactful for you or you know someone in your life, hey, this is gonna be important for them. They need to hear this. Please do me a favor, do them a favor and share the show. That makes a huge difference for the algorithms and it kicks the show up and it's just a, it's a, it's a way to help what we're doing here and it doesn't cost any money. It just costs a few seconds of your time. Thank you so, so much. Let's go out to Dallas, Texas and talk to the mighty Don. What's up, Don?

• 1:44Speaker 00

  Good morning. How are you?

• 1:45Dr. John Delony?

  I'm all right, brother. How are you, man?

• 1:47Speaker 00

  I, you know, I normally say it's another day in paradise, but I don't know if that's true today.

• 1:54Dr. John Delony?

  All right, man. Well, I'm here with you. What's up, brother?

• 1:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, I am. So I'm gonna try and come right out and say it because it's, it's really hard to. I've been recently struggling with these cycles of addiction and it stems from a few different things. You know, alcohol, cigars, that's not as bad, video games, but most recently it's pornography and specifically AI pornography.

• 2:19Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, gotcha, huh? It's here?

• 2:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:22Dr. John Delony?

  That's here?

• 2:23Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 2:24Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about it, man.

• 2:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, so let's see, a little bit of context. I'm in the process of becoming a social scientist. And I did a book report and a presentation on emerging technologies like robotics and AI, specifically in the realm of relational communication, and it stemmed a little bit into sexual communication. And I did an investigation on it, and I was fine. And I didn't realize I flew a little bit too close to the sun.

• 2:50Dr. John Delony?

  Ah.

• 2:50Speaker 00

  And yeah, I got hooked.

• 2:52Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 2:53Speaker 00

  I got hooked.

• 2:53Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. How old are you?

• 2:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, this is a Whopper, twenty-six.

• 2:59Dr. John Delony?

  Why is that a Whopper?

• 3:00Speaker 00

  I don't know, I feel like many of the other aspects of my life, I feel like are healthy, man. I eat well, got a decent friend group, I've got hobbies.

• 3:11Dr. John Delony?

  You don't have purpose, though.

• 3:14Speaker 00

  Well, I feel like I do.

• 3:15Dr. John Delony?

  What is it?

• 3:16Speaker 00

  I mean, well, like I said, social sciences, I'm in a PhD program, and it's a blessing. I enjoy every, every second of it.

• 3:24Dr. John Delony?

  But yeah.

• 3:25Speaker 00

  And then I've got passion.

• 3:26Dr. John Delony?

  But what's, what's it, passion? Let's take that off the table for a second. I think that's an abused word in our culture.

• 3:33Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 3:33Dr. John Delony?

  It's, it's almost nonsensical, it's almost lost its meaning.

• 3:36Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 3:36Dr. John Delony?

  It's like a get out of jail card. Um, why do you want to be a social scientist?

• 3:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, you know, that's a great question. I think the only thing I bleed back into is when I was a kid, I was always interested in people.

• 3:49Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 3:50Speaker 00

  Right, I did want to study them. I was always fascinated by how we communicate, why we communicate, why we build relationships, why we maintain them, why we break them down, or, or break them up.

• 4:03Dr. John Delony?

  But what, but what is that? And I'm gonna quote one of my old dissertation advisors, the great Dr. John Murray, who would always, at the end of every dissertation defense, ask one question. So what? You've given us your research, you've given us your findings, how does this help humanity? How does this help your neighbor? Because if you just did some sort of masturbatory exercise, and I can do statistics, and I can answer a big question, I can study something, but you didn't help anybody, then we've all wasted our time. And I loved that idea. So, you love studying people, awesome. I love that you love something, that's amazing.

• 4:45Dr. John Delony?

  You love figuring out why relationships break down, how people can communicate better, all that's awesome. What's your end goal with that?

• 4:55Speaker 00

  Dang, that's a, that's a great question.

• 4:58Dr. John Delony?

  Because similar to what you've experienced with your girlfriends, AI is about to take that part of it from you.

• 5:05Dr. John Delony?

  It, it will be able to scan and research and compile and write articles instantly.

• 5:13Dr. John Delony?

  It already can.

• 5:18Speaker 00

  Dang, I, I can't believe I haven't thought of it that way.

• 5:20Dr. John Delony?

  Or when you walk across the stage with your doctorate degree, a PhD in whatever social science field you're in, then what?

• 5:31Speaker 00

  Um, you know, I, I'd always shot for something like enjoyment, really.

• 5:37Dr. John Delony?

  And enjoyment is good, I'll tell you, that can, that's a really shallow pool to swim in.

• 5:44Dr. John Delony?

  I've been studying marriage as though I'm doing another dissertation for the last two years, like pathologically studying it, right? And to the, to the expense of my health, to my sleep, like when I get obsessed with a thing, I get obsessed with a thing.

• 6:01Dr. John Delony?

  There's been long seasons where I'm not enjoying any of it.

• 6:06Dr. John Delony?

  But I'm committed to the purpose of it, which is, can I answer this question, is marriage still worth it? And if so, how can I help people have better one, have better marriages? You get what I'm saying?

• 6:14Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 6:15Dr. John Delony?

  And if I just seek enjoyment, that's just such a shallow pool.

• 6:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, I, I think, uh, sorry to interrupt.

• 6:24Dr. John Delony?

  No, you're good, man. Go ahead.

• 6:26Speaker 00

  I, I think the way my mind works and the way I was raised is that there's, there's always, um, you know, I think it does seem like a shallow purpose, at least in, in my life. It's always, you know, set, set yourself up for success and be successful monetarily, financially, uh, spiritually, all the aspects.

• 6:51Speaker 00

  So the whole purpose thing, I suppose I haven't fleshed out to, to a great degree.

• 6:56Dr. John Delony?

  You're gonna find yourself, as a social scientist, she'll know exactly what I'm talking about.

• 7:02Dr. John Delony?

  You're gonna find yourself quote unquote "successful", you're gonna find yourself quote unquote "financially secure", you're gonna find yourself, fill in the blank, you'll achieve all of your quote unquote "goals", and you'll have nothing.

• 7:20Dr. John Delony?

  And here's why this matters to you struggling with a pornography addiction. Your body knows that there's no purpose here. That we are going through the motions, and that exhaustion, that feeling dead in your own skin, comes out in the form of compulsion, comes out in obsessive thoughts, and it comes out in, over time, addictive behaviors.

• 7:46Speaker 00

  Can I ask you this? I'm curious, so in, I kinda split up my life, it seems like, into segments, and it may not be healthy, but, so, let's take spirituality, for instance. I can easily say my purpose there is to glorify God. I'd like to think I'm faithful. I'd like to think. How do I incorporate that into everything else? I mean, to me, that seems like, seems like a pretty good purpose. But I can't tell why, not that it's not working, it's too, too simple, but, um...

• 8:21Dr. John Delony?

  Are you trying to, and, and... Are you trying to glorify God because you think he's gonna be pissed off at you? And you're gonna burn in hell for eternity if you don't?

• 8:32Speaker 00

  Ah, not necessarily. I think, I think sometimes it's an intrusive thought that comes in.

• 8:37Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, or, or do you glorify God because that, the map that he gave you to live brings peace? Because you know, come what may, through every storm in life, I'm seen and I'm known, I'm loved. Which is the anchor point that all social science, it's a big toilet bowl that they've been circling for centuries. At the end of the day, people need to be seen and known, celebrated. Period. And that's what that faith gives you.

• 9:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, absolutely. And I feel that a lot of times. I just, um...

• 9:17Dr. John Delony?

  But do you, you feel it? Do you believe it? Do you act on it?

• 9:25Speaker 00

  You know, I wanna say yes, but it would be a discrepancy because I keep falling back into these cycles, man.

• 9:34Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so, so you brought up faith, and so that's a big deal to you?

• 9:38Speaker 00

  Yes, sir.

• 9:38Dr. John Delony?

  Like, and I'll use your words, glorifying God, that's a big deal to you?

• 9:41Speaker 00

  Yes, sir.

• 9:42Dr. John Delony?

  To what end?

• 9:46Speaker 00

  To what end?

• 9:47Dr. John Delony?

  Meaning?

• 9:48Speaker 00

  I...

• 9:48Dr. John Delony?

  Meaning if you were a... I know guys who went to, got a theology degree and went and became bartenders.

• 9:57Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 9:57Dr. John Delony?

  Because they wanted to sit with exhausted, lonely, hurting people and be a calm, steady, life-giving presence to them.

• 10:05Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 10:06Dr. John Delony?

  Right? If one of them became an alcoholic from working at a bar,

• 10:12Dr. John Delony?

  I would tell them, "You gotta back out."

• 10:16Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 10:17Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And you have to find, "How am I gonna take this purpose of sitting with hurting people and use it somewhere else?" So, are you willing to, you've got to, you've got to hold open-handedly,

• 10:31Dr. John Delony?

  "I wanna study this particular thing,

• 10:35Dr. John Delony?

  and it's more powerful than me. I can't objectively be a part of this." Are you willing to give that up?

• 10:42Speaker 00

  Yes, for that goal.

• 10:44Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 10:44Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 10:45Dr. John Delony?

  Then I want you to think in those terms.

• 10:48Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 10:50Dr. John Delony?

  And so, the, the, I want you to read a book by, I mean, she's extraordinary, the great Anilemki. Um, it's called Dopamine Nation. And as a social scientist, every single social scientist, student, practitioner, should read this book. It's a masterpiece. Um, but here's what you gotta do. You have to give yourself 30 or 60 days of cold turkey, come hell or high water. I'll get rid of my computer, I'll get rid, I'll drop out of classes, I will get rid of my phone, I will do whatever, I'll put every hurdle possible in front of me

• 11:23Dr. John Delony?

  to get to some marker of sobriety.

• 11:27Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 11:29Dr. John Delony?

  And what you'll find is, these AI, um, love connections, as they call them, which is not what they are, um...

• 11:41Dr. John Delony?

  They are more powerful than any human could ever possibly be.

• 11:46Dr. John Delony?

  In terms of affirmation, in terms of doing whatever you want, in terms of visual stimulation.

• 11:52Dr. John Delony?

  They're 24/7, 365. They never get tired. They never turn off. They always tell you the next right thing.

• 12:00Dr. John Delony?

  And it's hollow.

• 12:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's a great point.

• 12:06Dr. John Delony?

  Fair?

• 12:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, absolutely. Definitely.

• 12:09Dr. John Delony?

  And if, if, if you decide, I'm gonna go all in on this. Not because I'm disgusting, I'm a piece of crap, or I'm a 26-year-old loser, but because I'm worth

• 12:23Dr. John Delony?

  real relationships.

• 12:27Dr. John Delony?

  And let me challenge you. You said you got some good buddies?

• 12:30Speaker 00

  Yes, sir.

• 12:30Dr. John Delony?

  Do they know you spend hours a day?

• 12:34Speaker 00

  No, sure.

• 12:35Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, they're not good buddies then.

• 12:37Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 12:38Dr. John Delony?

  They're not connected to you in the way that your body would know, I've got ride or dies.

• 12:47Dr. John Delony?

  You want freedom? Call some of your buddies that you trust. Go to an SA meeting.

• 12:54Dr. John Delony?

  Uh, I think it's the great Brene Brown that said, uh, uh, shame eats secrets for breakfast.

• 13:03Dr. John Delony?

  Go bear it open.

• 13:11Speaker 00

  Yep, that's a lot to sit with. Wow.

• 13:13Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on, it's not a lot to sit with, it's a lot to do. And you're a social scientist who spends the large amount of, uh, the, the majority of your life in your head.

• 13:25Dr. John Delony?

  And it's killing you.

• 13:28Speaker 00

  No kidding.

• 13:31Dr. John Delony?

  So it's gonna take radical vulnerability with a group of people? And if you don't have close friends that you don't think would weaponize this, it's gonna cost you your job, cost you, then go to an SA meeting. I promise they're all over Dallas.

• 13:46Dr. John Delony?

  And since you're a person of faith, you can go to a faith-based one if that makes you feel more comfortable.

• 13:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 13:52Dr. John Delony?

  Sometimes those are great, sometimes those are filled with people hitting you in the face with bibles. I'm a person of faith and I probably would not go to a faith-based one. I would go to one where I could be fully honest enough to perform.

• 14:07Dr. John Delony?

  Everybody's different.

• 14:10Dr. John Delony?

  And you gotta make a commitment on a lemke style of 30 to 60 days of come hell or high water, come what may, I will not do this thing and I will put every possible roadblock in my life to keep me from doing it.

• 14:26Speaker 00

  Okay, I, I see portions of, of me doing that. Like I've, I've, gosh, I've tried putting content restrictions on my phone, shutting it off.

• 14:37Dr. John Delony?

  You can't be your own accountability partner.

• 14:38Speaker 00

  Right. Yeah. Absolutely. I don't know why I didn't see that till now.

• 14:44Dr. John Delony?

  Bro, it's all right. This is why you share. This is why you open up. This is why what you're doing right now is step one. It's day one of extraordinary courage and bravery. That's why I'm not beating you up, dude. That's why I'm sitting here with you. I'm honored to be talking to you.

• 14:58Speaker 00

  Ali, I appreciate that.

• 15:00Dr. John Delony?

  And by the way.

• 15:01Speaker 00

  I'm getting a little emotional.

• 15:02Dr. John Delony?

  No, dude, it, it, this is, it's an emotional thing to, to submit to, it got me. My anxiety is bigger than me. My addictions are bigger than me. My depression is bigger than me. My marriage challenges are bigger than me. I am, as they say in AA, I am powerless.

• 15:19Dr. John Delony?

  And I don't think that powerlessness lasts forever, but I do think there's an important moment of, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

• 15:30Dr. John Delony?

  And you cannot do what comes next alone.

• 15:33Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 15:34Dr. John Delony?

  And you're gonna find a massive, purpose sized hole in the middle of your chest when you take out your numbing agents. When you take out the things, addictions, here's the thing, they work. They're awesome.

• 15:48Dr. John Delony?

  And then they kill you. They take everything from you.

• 15:52Dr. John Delony?

  Including, including what I think maybe, I mean, you lose your relationships, you lose your friendships, you, you, you lose, you lose, you can lose your job, but I think it robs you of your dignity. It robs you of looking yourself in the mirror and saying, I love that guy.

• 16:09Dr. John Delony?

  I love that guy enough to.

• 16:13Dr. John Delony?

  Delay. Delay gratification. I can get it all right now from an AI porn bot. I can. I can get it all right now, but it's a copy of a copy. It's a shallow hack. It's a really thin, like shallow pool. Or I can fumble through, fall, be vulnerable, accept somebody else's shortcomings and vulnerabilities and develop a real relationship and say, I choose you till death do us part. We're going to anchor into this thing together and we're going to build a true romantic connection over time.

• 16:45Dr. John Delony?

  It's not following our passion.

• 16:48Dr. John Delony?

  That is making a choice. I'm going to live into this because I'm worth this, you're worth this, we are worth this. Our family trees are worth this.

• 16:56Dr. John Delony?

  And at least for the time being, no AI bot can give us that.

• 17:01Dr. John Delony?

  It's been an honor to talk to you, my brother. Thank you for calling. You call back anytime. I can, I can be of support with you as you're, as you're walking through this. Congratulations on your academic work, but listen, have a reason why you're doing it. Have a picture of somebody you're going to help on the other end of this. And it may just be that your journey through flying really close to the sun and getting, catching on fire and crashing to earth, that might make you one of the great social scientists of your time. The ability to study people and be connected to them. To know what they've been through.

• 17:32Dr. John Delony?

  You're the man, brother. We come back, a woman asks if she should tell her husband that she doesn't like his gifts. Oh, this is going to be good.

• 17:42Dr. John Delony?

  This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Financial stress does not just damage our bank accounts. It can also damage our mental and emotional health, and it can really take a toll on our relationships. Money worries cause anxiety and they're one of the leading sources of conflict for couples. My wife and I struggled with money stress for years and it definitely had a negative impact on our relationship. Therapy can help even with money. Therapy is not about financial advice, but it is about helping you build healthier ways of coping with money stress and giving you strategies to communicate about money without always going to war. I want you to check out my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with a Licensed therapist based on your goals and your preferences.

• 18:25Dr. John Delony?

  BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and they are fully licensed in the United States. You can message your therapist and schedule sessions right in the platform. And if the first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch at any time for no additional cost. When life feels overwhelming, therapy can help. Visit betterhelp.com/dalony to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H E L P, dot com slash dallony. All right, let's stay in Texas and go to Austin, right down the road from Dallas, and talk to Marie. Hey Marie, what's up?

• 18:57Speaker 02

  Hi, Dr. John, how are you?

• 18:59Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing great. How about you?

• 19:01Speaker 02

  I'm doing pretty well.

• 19:02Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome.

• 19:03Speaker 02

  Got a degree and my life is good.

• 19:04Dr. John Delony?

  Very cool. What's up?

• 19:06Speaker 02

  I am calling because sometimes my husband gets me gifts I don't like and I'm wondering if it's a good idea.

• 19:12Dr. John Delony?

  Like what? Like what? I'm laughing with you, not at you. Like what?

• 19:16Speaker 02

  One of the most prominent examples is I got an ornament as a gift when I gave birth to our first child, our son. He, it was the most thoughtful gift to him in the options he had in the hospital gift store, but to me, I was like, an ornament? Okay.

• 19:35Dr. John Delony?

  Ooh.

• 19:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:37Dr. John Delony?

  This is so hard.

• 19:38Speaker 02

  Um, so I'm wondering if it's a good idea if I should start trying to teach him about things I like and if so, how I can go about it. He truly is like a thoughtful, kind person and I don't want him to feel like emasculated or hurt his pride. I know I can't control his feelings.

• 19:58Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if his pride and masculinity is tied to you will like everything I do, then that's a very shallow masculinity.

• 20:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:08Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. That's a very shallow ego. That is a, that is a chihuahua sized ego. I mean, that's a, that's a, that's a, one of those Clifford the Big Red Dog sized egos, but inside is a teeny, tiny, barking chihuahua. So you said it perfectly. And let's set the stage here, okay?

• 20:31Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 20:32Dr. John Delony?

  Can I just be brutally honest with you? Is that cool?

• 20:35Speaker 02

  Let's go for it.

• 20:36Dr. John Delony?

  Part of me.

• 20:41Dr. John Delony?

  Has deep compassion for this guy.

• 20:45Dr. John Delony?

  He was anxious and nervous and scared for your health in ways that you probably have no idea and terrified that he's gonna mess something up. And then he had the thought in the hospital, "Good God, I gotta, I wanna give her something special." And he ran down to the stupid gift shop.

• 21:03Dr. John Delony?

  And so there is a component of that that I wanna tell you, like, dude, get over yourself. He brought you, he showed up to the hospital, which is more than some men do these days, right?

• 21:12Speaker 02

  It's also the bare minimum, be there when your kid's born.

• 21:15Dr. John Delony?

  You would think, but I wouldn't have a job if everyone agreed on that, so.

• 21:19Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 21:19Dr. John Delony?

  There's a lot of things I think are the bare minimum that people are like, "What?" And the other side of it is, I wanna grab him by the ears and be like, "Bro,

• 21:30Dr. John Delony?

  think about this before you're on the way to the hospital."

• 21:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, and I, um, I do appreciate the kindness. It didn't help that, like, I had thought ahead. So I got him a custom book as, like, written by his son, you know?

• 21:45Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so now, now we're into the real stuff.

• 21:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:49Dr. John Delony?

  When you start keeping score,

• 21:53Dr. John Delony?

  your relationship will crash and burn.

• 21:57Dr. John Delony?

  And so when it becomes, "I did this, but you only did this," now we have a problem. And so I want you to take your, like, you verse him off the scoreboard and re, and put another scoreboard up that just has one score on it. It's you and me versus the world.

• 22:14Dr. John Delony?

  And you said it perfectly. And this is very unsexy, very un-Hollywood, and very countercultural.

• 22:24Dr. John Delony?

  The greatest gift you could give him right now is a roadmap to what you want and what you like. And, in those few instances, what you need. That's an amazing gift. Can I tell you how to do that?

• 22:37Speaker 02

  That's what I'm looking for, that's why I called.

• 22:38Dr. John Delony?

  Here's what I did in my own, I'm gonna, I'm gonna tell you exactly what I did in my own house. So, you can adjust this however it works for y'all. What does your husband do for a living? Let me see if I can be creative here.

• 22:48Speaker 02

  Uh, he's a program manager.

• 22:50Dr. John Delony?

  Incredible. And do you, do you work outside the home?

• 22:53Speaker 02

  I do.

• 22:54Dr. John Delony?

  What do you do?

• 22:56Speaker 02

  I'm also a program manager.

• 22:57Dr. John Delony?

  Dude.

• 23:00Dr. John Delony?

  Do y'all send each other, like, sexy love notes and, via, uh, Excel spreadsheets?

• 23:04Speaker 02

  I wish, but no.

• 23:08Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, man. Hey, I'm in a house where two nerds love each other and we are raising nerds. And so.

• 23:15Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 23:15Dr. John Delony?

  Shout out to you guys.

• 23:16Speaker 02

  First D and D dice set. So shout out to your team that plays D and D.

• 23:20Dr. John Delony?

  No, I will not shout that out.

• 23:22Speaker 02

  I know.

• 23:22Dr. John Delony?

  Although I just finished Stranger Things and it's so great. Okay, so here we go. Um, Stranger Things is a modern masterpiece. Alright, so, um, so shout out to the Dungeons and Dragons community. Alright, so, um, here's what I did with my wife. She's an, uh, she was a college professor in her former life. I was too. And so I said, hey, I realized over the last few years, you've gotten into books, you've gotten into music, you've been studying different forms of spirituality and theology. You listen to different podcasts. Strangely, I don't know you like I once did.

• 24:02Dr. John Delony?

  Will you make me a syllabus of you?

• 24:06Dr. John Delony?

  Give me 10 podcasts. Give me 10 books. Let's set up a date where we can talk about five things that we used to like in the bedroom, in household chores, in like hanging out with family members and friends, all that. Five things we used to like that we don't anymore. And what's five things about you that I don't know, that you'd want to try, that you'd want to, and, and I'm not just talking about like sex stuff. I'm talk, that, that's part of it, but it's also gifts. It's also, I want to start having more people over again, like we used to.

• 24:36Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 24:37Dr. John Delony?

  Right? It's those kind of things, but it's a syllabus. And so for y'all, it might be, hey, you know how we have a project manager?

• 24:45Dr. John Delony?

  I want to do an exercise where I want to become the project manager of you and I want you to become the project manager of me, which means I would love to get to know you again. We have an all new marriage. We have new kids. The marriage we had is, is over. We have a new one now and we get to program it however we want to.

• 25:05Dr. John Delony?

  And that takes the pressure off of,

• 25:09Dr. John Delony?

  I didn't really like that gift.

• 25:12Dr. John Delony?

  Because can I tell you something? He didn't either.

• 25:16Dr. John Delony?

  Like, he knows.

• 25:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, he caught on to it for Valentine's Day. He kept asking me, do I like it? I was trying to smile and be polite. And the fourth time he asked me, I'm like, okay, you know.

• 25:28Dr. John Delony?

  Hollywood says, true love is they can read my mind. And that's nonsense.

• 25:35Dr. John Delony?

  True love is, I love you enough to tell you what I want.

• 25:41Dr. John Delony?

  And this is very unpopular. True love is, a month out,

• 25:47Dr. John Delony?

  when you know he's stressed out of his mind at work, and he's exhausted, and he's running and gunning, and trying to figure out how to be a dad in real time, trying to change the oil on this car of his life, while he's still driving down the highway, saying,

• 26:00Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing something really special for you for the birth of our kid that's coming in 30 days. This is your, this is your reminder.

• 26:09Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 26:10Dr. John Delony?

  Gosh, that's unsexy.

• 26:11Speaker 02

  Not sexy.

• 26:12Dr. John Delony?

  It's not at all.

• 26:13Speaker 02

  But it works.

• 26:14Dr. John Delony?

  But, but hey, it keeps you from, it keeps, it, it, maybe it's annoying, maybe it's frustrating, but it keeps you out of resentment.

• 26:23Dr. John Delony?

  And it's saying, you know what? I know him. I see him. And he doesn't forget these things because he doesn't love me.

• 26:35Dr. John Delony?

  He forgets these things because he's got so much, he's carrying so much up in his head, trying to keep, like, this family. And I'm making up stories here right now, like, right?

• 26:42Speaker 02

  No, that's absolutely true. No, I, I can say that with 110% certainty. That is, that is the truth.

• 26:47Dr. John Delony?

  And so, the greatest gift I can give my wife is not to expect her to love me the way I want to be loved. It's to give her a map. And to ask for a map.

• 27:02Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 27:03Speaker 02

  I am, and I'm also writing notes so that I don't forget.

• 27:06Dr. John Delony?

  Alright, so, um, I would, I would, like, love him and say, "I want us to get away for half a day, and grit your teeth, oh, this one's gonna hurt, you get the childcare." And I know, you're like, "Again? Really? All the time?"

• 27:21Speaker 02

  Yes, I do it all the time anyway, it's not gonna change anything.

• 27:24Dr. John Delony?

  Or, or, tell him, "I want you to get the childcare." And I'm getting us, I'm setting this thing up for us, but here's what I want, I want you to send him a list, I wanna know these five or 10 things, and then grit your teeth and listen to the podcast. Read at least one or two of the books, listen to one or two or three of the albums, of the songs. Not all of them. And trust me, my wife is into historical fiction, she loves studying the Dust Bowl, she loves exploring ancient, uh, spirituality, she listens to podcasts that sometimes make me wanna set my face on fire, just to see if I still feel pain.

• 28:08Dr. John Delony?

  And vice versa, alright? So it's not like I have to do this all the time, but it's, "I wanna get to know you." And then that's gonna give me opportunities for curiosity, "What is it about this music? This feels so chaotic, insane, crazy, what is it about this?" Once a, uh, it basically once a semester, because we still live on semester schedules in my house, we just did it for so long, once a semester, she's like, "Pick a comedian for me to go watch with you." And so I curate that very carefully, and often I'm right now, there's a few that she came to, I was dying laughing, I look over and she was not having it, alright? But, she'll go with me. She'll go to a punk rock show with me, if I'm like, "Please, please, please, awesome."

• 28:50Dr. John Delony?

  And I'll go to a theater production, I love going to theater productions, but I'll go to one, a musical, that I may not be into. Because I'm, I'm passionate about what she, I'm not passionate about what she's passionate about, I'm passionate that she's passionate about something.

• 29:06Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I'm saying?

• 29:08Speaker 02

  I think I do.

• 29:09Dr. John Delony?

  It's the thing underneath the thing. Like, I want you to be passionate, not about the gift he did or didn't give you. I want you to be passionate about the fact that he's wild about you.

• 29:18Speaker 02

  Yes, he is.

• 29:19Dr. John Delony?

  So let's give him some clues and some, a path on how to direct that wildness right at your, in the middle of your chest.

• 29:29Speaker 02

  Yeah. I think I just need to do a better job of giving him a heads up of, hey, by the way, um, you know, clocks are ticking on something.

• 29:37Dr. John Delony?

  Well, like, I don't, do your best not to moralize this, okay?

• 29:43Speaker 02

  What do you mean?

• 29:43Dr. John Delony?

  I need to do better. I failed. I screwed up. No, you didn't. If I had to go 5149 on this one, like, whose fault was this? I'll blame him.

• 29:53Dr. John Delony?

  Like, if y'all were both sitting with me, I would laughingly look at him and go, dude, you blew this one. Gift shop, really? Ornament?

• 29:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:59Dr. John Delony?

  In June? Great. Good one. Right, I would, I would, I would point at him. But I would look back at you and say,

• 30:08Dr. John Delony?

  how much does this guy carry all the time?

• 30:11Speaker 02

  A lot, a lot. He, he's an amazing person and I, I love him deeply and that's why, like, the gift thing, it's not, it doesn't, it's really not a factor on our relationship or our life. It's just more of a, uh, I could've spent that money on groceries and like, enjoyed it and ate them.

• 30:28Dr. John Delony?

  Well, and also, is it not a proxy for, like, buying somebody a gift that they don't want over and over and over again? Or, it, it can be a proxy, it can, it can, not a proxy, it can be a, an example of,

• 30:46Dr. John Delony?

  I don't feel seen and known in my own house.

• 30:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, it definitely could be a proxy for that, but, um, overall, I say we're pretty good.

• 30:55Dr. John Delony?

  You, you are. And, and, and that's where, I'm gonna allow myself to be seen and allow myself to be known. And that's a very vulnerable thing, cuz, cuz he might choose to not do it. And now we gotta deal with that. But he doesn't sound like that kinda guy.

• 31:08Speaker 02

  He's not that kinda guy. He absolutely will. He might be a little sad, but he is, he's a good dude.

• 31:13Dr. John Delony?

  Give homie a roadmap.

• 31:14Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 31:14Dr. John Delony?

  And honor him by saying, and love him well by saying, I want a roadmap for you. And you might think you know. You, you might not. Okay? You might not. So, so here's, here's the deal. I'm gonna hook you up with this. All right, you ready for Marie?

• 31:27Speaker 02

  I'm ready.

• 31:27Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna hook you up with you and your husband for a year with the Together app.

• 31:31Speaker 02

  Oh, great.

• 31:32Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And here's what it is. It's micro habits. It's a thing he can do every day towards you.

• 31:39Dr. John Delony?

  And it's a thing that you can do every day towards him.

• 31:43Dr. John Delony?

  And it gives y'all connecting points, not in huge firework shows, but in tiny steps towards each other. Okay, so hang on the line. I'm gonna hook you up with a year of it for free. You and your husband, y'all can get it on together. It's awesome. It's got it. It's, it's, it's, it's helping people in ways that I, I did not, I couldn't have imagined. But I'll hook you all up with that. And it will give you all an opportunity, a crack in the door to have this conversation. But I don't think you need a crack in the door. It sounds like he's got that door wide open. And if he's sad, you have to begin to practice. It's not my job to go rescue his sad feelings. I need to be able to tell the truth, to be honest and safe inside my own marriage. And yes, he's gonna hurt his, have his feelings hurt.

• 32:27Dr. John Delony?

  But I'm not gonna rescue him from that. Those are his feelings. And then he gets to choose to do the next right thing. And so do you. It's awesome. Awesome, Marie. I love talking to couples who are trying to get it right and who love each other more than, than life itself. That's awesome. Awesome, awesome. We come back. A woman asks if she is wrong for believing that dating after a spouse dies is okay. Be right back.

• 32:52Dr. John Delony?

  For years, I thought that sleep was for losers and for weak people. I kept pushing and pushing in my work, with my relationships, with my hobbies. And of course, I crashed. I started focusing on my sleep. And one of the things I did to focus on my sleep was I started checking out great mattresses. And that's how I ended up sleeping on a Helix mattress. When you're exhausted, everything feels heavier, harder and more complex. Cause your body is always keeping track of how much you are or are not sleeping. I've had mine for a couple of years now and I track my sleep. And I've seen a powerful difference in my deep sleep and in my REM sleep. It's made a huge difference. And Helix can make a difference for you too.

• 33:36Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to get online, take their sleep quiz. It takes like two minutes and they'll match you with the mattress. That is just right for how you actually sleep because we all sleep different. Helix mattresses will ship straight to your door and you get 120 night sleep trial and it's backed by a limited lifetime warranty. As we head into spring, everyone's talking about resetting your routines and getting ready for the summer. Remember, your routine starts and ends with good sleep. Go to helixsleep.com/deloney and get 20% off site wide during their spring savings event. That's helix, H E L I X, helixsleep.com/deloney for 20% off. And be sure you tell them you heard about their amazing mattresses right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show.

• 34:19Dr. John Delony?

  With Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, Kansas City, Kansas, let's go to Joe. What's up, Joe?

• 34:27Speaker 03

  Hi, hi, Dr. John.

• 34:30Dr. John Delony?

  How are you?

• 34:31Speaker 03

  Great, how about you?

• 34:33Dr. John Delony?

  I'm remarkable. I'm running a scam called the podcast. It's the best. What's going on?

• 34:39Speaker 03

  It's awesome. Yeah, thank you for, for taking this call. So the, I feel like I have to give just a little bit of backstory, but my, my husband and I have been married 15 years. Great, really overall awesome marriage, not perfect, but strong and solid. And we have a, we align on most things and that's why this, we had a situation about almost a year ago. So after church, we come home and I just casually mentioned that I thought it was so cute that a couple from, from church, they're in their 80s and they were holding hands in the back and it just warmed my heart.

• 35:19Speaker 03

  I did it kind of as like a throwaway and my husband like quickly was like, that wasn't a, it's not appropriate. And I was like, he's kind of a joker, right? He was like, it's not appropriate and, and he's, he's a joker, like he's funny. And so I was like, well, they weren't making out back there, like they were just holding hands and gosh, I thought it was super cute.

• 35:39Dr. John Delony?

  They were making out, that's awesome.

• 35:41Speaker 03

  They're in their 80s, 90, right? That's how I feel. And so he, he said, he was like, when you, I made a, like it kind of spiraled into this. The the topic, you know, the conversation of like after after death, is it okay to um to remarry or to date or to anything? And he just looked at me, he's like, I committed to you, like, I'm in it with you. And I was probably not my best move back. I was like, yeah, till death, right? That's the point. And then you're free.

• 36:12Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 36:12Speaker 03

  You do whatever, you know, you move on or so we so I just kind of like, I could tell it was like stressy with him and thought this is just kind of crazy. So I moved on and then probably not my best next move was, which is why I'm calling now. Okay. So we have.

• 36:28Dr. John Delony?

  You're already my hero of the day.

• 36:31Speaker 03

  Thanks. And probably not his, but so we have some really close friends and they were over one night and we were having wine, just hanging out. And so I brought up the brought it up. I was like, hey, what do you guys think about this? We were having, we were talking about the couple like they're so cute, Roy and Irene. This is how I see it. And he like thinks this is not okay. And, you know, my girlfriend, being a good girlfriend was like, yeah, seriously, this is it's okay. You know, um, that that it's cute, it's companionship. And, you know, we went on to like, it's not even sexual, probably at that. But if it is, it is, right? How about it? But it's it's more about just the companionship. And he just really kind of doubled down on it.

• 37:13Speaker 03

  And this has been months and months ago, and it isn't something that like really like plays in my mind all the time, but I listen to your show often and I and I thought it would be a like a, am I the problem? So I kind of pictured it being like that. And then I got the curve ball with the call.

• 37:27Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, awesome. Well, I think this is a great conversation. Um, and I'll I'll answer it this way.

• 37:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:36Dr. John Delony?

  In my house, my wife has very specific requests for who I date and marry if she were to die.

• 37:47Speaker 03

  Oh, okay.

• 37:48Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, and one of the main requests is, I won't say it on the air because she said it jokingly, but I think she kinda wasn't joking, but she gave me some very clear instructions that wouldn't fit in either of our moral situations, but, uh, our values, but it was, it was, "Please don't get married three weeks after I die."

• 38:08Speaker 03

  Right, yeah.

• 38:09Dr. John Delony?

  And, and because she knows-

• 38:11Speaker 03

  It's not respect.

• 38:11Dr. John Delony?

  I'm an emo- well, it's not, it wasn't even that. She goes, "I could, I, she, in her, in her mind, "I'm dead. I don't care. I don't get a vote. I'm dead." What she was saying was, "John, you're emotional. I love dating. I love love, okay?" And she said, "You also don't do well when you're alone. And so you will grab on to the first car that drives by and be like, "This is my forever car!" And she, and, and, and we're laughing when she's doing all this, right? But she's like, "The kids will pay the price for that."

• 38:43Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 38:44Dr. John Delony?

  So go do all the crazy you wanna do, but, right? And I said, "I want you to marry somebody awesome, and I want you to date. I want you to have all these adventures." And she looked at me and said, "John, you're it for me."

• 38:56Speaker 03

  Ah.

• 38:57Dr. John Delony?

  And, and here's the thing. I, I, I, we talked about it forever. We've talked about it multiple times because I think it's hilarious, but she's like, "I'm gonna move to this particular location, get, get some cats, and no one will ever see me again, ever." And, and, and here's, here's what I had to wrestle with. She said this. She said, "I've done marriage. I did it with you. I chose you." And to her credit, and she was just kind of filling me with hot air, she said, "I can't do better than you."

• 39:28Speaker 03

  Aww.

• 39:29Dr. John Delony?

  And she said, "So the thought of me trying to run that back is, I'm not interested in that." And she has a very real lived experience. Her grandmother, one of the most amazing humans to ever walk the planet, was married to a literal, like, a World War II veteran who was on the ground in Germany fighting Nazis, like, and he died 20, 30 years ago, and she never remarried. And she would always say,

• 39:54Speaker 03

  Aww.

• 39:55Dr. John Delony?

  "I had my husband. And my, my love and my care are gonna go to my family, to my grandkids, to my neighbor." And she's just one of the most extraordinary women ever. And so here's what I wanna hold space for.

• 40:10Dr. John Delony?

  I firmly, with all of my guts, yes, if your spouse dies, it's still death does y'all part. Right? I wouldn't probably tell your husband.

• 40:19Speaker 03

  Right.

• 40:20Dr. John Delony?

  I wouldn't probably tell your husband. Then I'd be free. I wouldn't say it like that probably. Um, but this idea that.

• 40:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:32Dr. John Delony?

  When I was in the throes of years of undealt with anxiety, I was not well, okay? I remember reading a book and my wife was reading a book and we were sitting in bed and I, I remember looking at her and I was like, oh gosh. And she's like, what? And I said, cause I said it kind of in a overdramatic, exasperated way, which I know you could never imagine that I would be like that. I looked at her and I was like, best case scenario is I'm 95, you're 94. New Year's rings true, like the new year bell like turns. We kiss each other and we both die at the same time and our children have to deal with our dead bodies. And I said, and she looked at me and goes, what's the matter with you? And I said, any other situation is just worse than that.

• 41:16Dr. John Delony?

  And I was like, that's the best case. And she was like, go to bed or go to a therapist, right? But here's the thing.

• 41:23Dr. John Delony?

  That's, that's the, that's the dream, right?

• 41:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:27Dr. John Delony?

  You both get up and you're both walk into another room and you both fall down dead.

• 41:32Dr. John Delony?

  And 99.999999% chance that won't be how it goes.

• 41:37Speaker 03

  Right.

• 41:38Dr. John Delony?

  And so, to use your words, yes, if your spouse passes away, you're free.

• 41:45Speaker 03

  I feel bad saying that, that's weird, but.

• 41:48Dr. John Delony?

  It will, but it's true.

• 41:50Speaker 03

  Calling me out on that.

• 41:50Dr. John Delony?

  To date again, to love again.

• 41:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:54Dr. John Delony?

  And I, I'll tell you, the, the greatest wisdom I ever received was from somebody who used to work with me. She's just, she's again, man, I'm just surrounded by amazing, awesome women and Kelly. And she's amazing, awesome too.

• 42:09Speaker 03

  She is.

• 42:09Dr. John Delony?

  But she, this woman told me, her husband had passed away. And she was awesome. And I met her new husband. It was years later. I met her new husband and I would not have on, on, like if I just met her and met him, I wouldn't have put them together. And I was like, tell me about this guy. Like, how did you go back and get remarried and all that? And she said, oh, I built a life with someone. I've done that. I raised kids. I created a home. We both worked. Like, I did that part of my life. Now, I married somebody who I love and we're gonna get old and we're gonna get unhealthy. And we're gonna have as much fun as humanly possible until our day, our number gets called. And I loved that attitude.

• 42:52Dr. John Delony?

  Like, I've, I've, I'm not gonna build a new, like, family unit. But you and me, ride or die. We're gonna have the most fun ever. We're gonna get old and our knees are gonna hurt. We're gonna take each other to doctor appointments and we're gonna go out on the lake and we're gonna, like, man, that sounds awesome to me. That sounds like my wife's worst nightmare.

• 43:13Dr. John Delony?

  And so I, I wanna keep it from, one is right and one is wrong. And I wanna open-handedly say, I wanna have compassion for your husband. I can't psychologically picture you in the hands of another man. So I'm not going to, ever. You're mine. And I love that.

• 43:33Dr. John Delony?

  And he doesn't get to tell you what you get to do after he dies.

• 43:40Dr. John Delony?

  Fair?

• 43:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, agreed.

• 43:44Dr. John Delony?

  And so it's just holding space for each individual person's, and I'm gonna tell you, I took it personal. When my wife said, I'm done being married, I was like, well, what's, have I made this not awesome? To like where you'd wanna go do this again? And she was like, A, no, not at all. But B, she's like, it doesn't get more awesome than this. And I don't, I don't wanna run that back.

• 44:09Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so all I have to say is, everybody's different. And so I think making a blanket, it has to be this way. Some people are gonna say, no, I found my love. And now I'm gonna take the energy and compassion and whatever I have, and I'm going to express it in the world in other ways.

• 44:28Dr. John Delony?

  And me, I'm gonna give it three weeks and then I'm hitting the scene.

• 44:33Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna get all the apps.

• 44:33Speaker 03

  Three weeks in one day.

• 44:35Dr. John Delony?

  Swipe right and all that stuff. Yeah, dude, not really. I'd be a lost basket. You'd find me in the woods, haggard. I can just imagine Kelly coming after me in the woods and I'm like, haven't bathed in months and I'm just like, up, up. Yeah. She's like, hey, we need, I've got a job. We need to keep making shows. Um, but I would be a disaster. I'd be a train wreck.

• 44:58Speaker 03

  How do you, like, I so appreciate that and I can, I can see, see that. I'm where I feel, and maybe I'm making it too personal. Like, how do I feel like I would continue to honor him? Like, when that's real life, if we, obviously I don't want that to happen. I want it to be 94, 95, but if he does pass away, I don't even know, knowing how he feels, like, how could I even?

• 45:23Speaker 03

  Think about it. Does that make sense?

• 45:25Dr. John Delony?

  Totally. And what I would tell you is one of the definitions of anxiety is creating future problems that don't exist yet and trying to solve them in the present.

• 45:35Speaker 03

  I know.

• 45:37Dr. John Delony?

  And so let's cross that bridge when we get there.

• 45:40Speaker 03

  Okay, yeah.

• 45:41Dr. John Delony?

  Because he may be holding your head, you're, I mean, holding your hand as he passes away and look at you and say, "Go live a crazy wild life."

• 45:50Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 45:51Dr. John Delony?

  Just make sure he's handsome. Right, or whatever. Or he may look at you and say, "If you ever hold the hand of another man, I will haunt you until..." Right, like, let's let that moment happen and then we'll deal with that moment.

• 46:02Speaker 03

  Sure. That's, that's good. Yeah, thank you.

• 46:05Dr. John Delony?

  But I, like, projecting that out right now, I wouldn't spend a lot of energy on that. I, in, in, the Gottmans talk about this, I think it's 69, 70% of marital conflict like this is perpetual. It, it won't be solved.

• 46:22Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 46:23Dr. John Delony?

  You're just gonna have different beliefs on a thing.

• 46:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:25Dr. John Delony?

  And so there is a space inside of a marriage for an arms agreement.

• 46:32Dr. John Delony?

  Like, we know those are in the closet. We're just gonna both agree to not fire those rockets off. Cause we disagree on it.

• 46:37Speaker 03

  I like that. Yeah.

• 46:39Dr. John Delony?

  And it feels like, oh, we're disconnected. No, we're mutually both deciding, eh, let's leave those rockets where they are.

• 46:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:47Dr. John Delony?

  Cause the thought of you being super lonely for the rest of your life is terrifying. And the thought of dishonoring your husband is terrifying. Let's solve that when we get there. Right?

• 46:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, absolutely. That's great.

• 47:01Dr. John Delony?

  Is that fair?

• 47:01Speaker 03

  It doesn't impact day to day. Absolutely.

• 47:03Dr. John Delony?

  No, no, no. And there's a place for you to rest in. Dude, that guy, that guy loves me literally till the end of time.

• 47:13Speaker 03

  He loves big. Yes.

• 47:15Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 47:15Speaker 03

  This is true.

• 47:16Dr. John Delony?

  And man, if you can rest in, in that bear hug, that's pretty sweet.

• 47:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:22Dr. John Delony?

  Pretty awesome.

• 47:23Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 47:23Dr. John Delony?

  But hey, great question, Joe. Dude, great question. That's awesome. You know what? I'm gonna hook you and your husband up with the Together app too. I love y'all. Y'all are the, y'all are rad. Um, your husband's dreadfully wrong here, but y'all, I'm just kidding, but y'all are, y'all are rad. And I love that y'all are having these hard conversations. I love you're bringing friends in to debate and discuss. I love it. I love all of it. Um, Together app is a, just a micro habits app. It's gonna help strengthen your marriage in the little things. So that when you have these big discussions, y'all never forget at the nervous system level, she's mine and I'm his. We're connected. We're all in this thing together. Anchored to the same concrete. We just disagree on the same. We believe different things about this thing. It's awesome. Hang on the line. We'll get you hooked up. We'll be right back.

• 48:08Dr. John Delony?

  Every day on my show, I'm talking about boundaries. And I know boundaries have become oversold in our culture. Boundaries are not about being mean. They're just about being safe. But most of us don't have boundaries when it comes to sharing our data online. In fact, most of us don't even know we're sharing it. That's why I use and recommend Delete Me. If somebody can just look up your home address, your phone number, the names and pictures of your relatives, that's not just quote unquote, a part of modern life. That's somebody stealing your private information. That's your private life sitting out there in public for anyone who wants to see it to come by and see it. Listen, you'd never let strangers walk through your house and you start flipping through photo albums and going through your mail and personal information. That's what's happening online.

• 48:53Dr. John Delony?

  Data brokers buy and sell your personal information to people you don't want having it. That's their whole business model. Delete Me goes to those sites, removes your information and checks month after month to make sure it's gone. Delete Me will handle it, saving you lots of time and a ton of hassles. If you're serious about protecting your digital boundaries, check out Delete Me. Go to joindelete.me.com/deloney for 20% off an annual plan. That's join, J-O-I-N. Joindelete.me.com/deloney.

• 49:26Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Kelly, am I the problem?

• 49:29Speaker 04

  All right, so we have an email from Vanessa and she's in San Francisco. And she writes, "I'm 21 years old and an only child. I moved back home two months ago to pay off debt while working as a first grade teacher. Since returning, I've noticed that my parents arguing has worsened because of their different values. This often leads to daily yelling, especially about how money should be spent. I've tried talking to both of them."

• 49:56Speaker 04

  I know. Isn't it cute?

• 49:57Dr. John Delony?

  How sweet.

• 49:57Speaker 04

  I know. Explaining that these value differences are not new. Bless her heart. And that constantly fighting won't change that. It's only stressing them out and affecting their health. My efforts have led to no change."

• 50:13Dr. John Delony?

  What?

• 50:13Speaker 04

  Shockingly.

• 50:14Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me more.

• 50:14Speaker 04

  And both refuse to go to therapy. "This situation has taken a toll on me too. It's caused me a great deal of stress and it's made it difficult to be present while I'm teaching. Sitting by and doing nothing feels impossible because I care about both of them. Am I the problem?"

• 50:29Dr. John Delony?

  Yes. 100%. A common rule of wisdom that all 20 and 30 and even 40-year-olds, 50-year-olds should internalize. Your parents do not want your opinions on their money or about their sex life. I don't know, I don't know why that is. I don't know a study where that exists, but that's just an is. Occasionally...

• 50:56Dr. John Delony?

  They may ask you, "Hey, give me your thoughts on money," or "I'm struggling with this." And if they invite you into that conversation for help, jump in with both feet. Amazing. But you're learning as a 21-year-old, as we all did, and God bless you for learning this at 21. I learned this at like at 40. I only enter into conversations like that when I'm asked, when I'm invited. When people say, "Do you have another opinion on this?" And one of the most unempowering things for adults to learn, and you're learning it, and I hate it for you, is watching people you love do painful things, things that are hurting them and those they love, and they don't want your help or advice or any input

• 51:41Dr. John Delony?

  from you at all. And it feels powerless. And so your choices are is to own the only two things on the planet you can own, which are your thoughts and your actions. You can move out, and it will, everything you choose to do will come at a cost. You can stay, and you can go in your room and put on your headphones when they start nagging with each other and fighting. You can move out, and that's going to delay you paying off student loan debt. You can get some roommates and figure out another arrangement. But you had a picture in your life of how you wanted it to go, and that picture's different now. And so we're going to be sad about it, we're going to grieve it, and then we're going to go make a new picture. And any choice to not make a new picture is a choice to be miserable in the present. And so take ownership of what you can control.

• 52:25Dr. John Delony?

  You cannot control their 20, 30, 40-year fight about money. It's been going on forever, and it's going to keep going on forever. You can't control their choice to not deal with this issue. You can't control how they yell, you can't control any of that stuff. All you can control here is you. And that feels both powerless and hopefully really empowering. I get to choose what I do next. So choose what's going to bring you peace. Choose what's going to make you feel empowered to go do the thing that you're, your purpose, which is right now, teaching, being present with little kids. Giving them an example of a regulated young adult. And commit to yourself now, when I get married, I'm going to be on the same page with my spouse, with money. I'm going to be on the same page with how we handle conflict.

• 53:10Dr. John Delony?

  And I can make those changes for my family tree moving forward, but I can't do anything about the branches that are already growing out of this tree. Thanks for the call, sister. That was a great, great question. Good on you. Love you guys. Bye.