How Do I Avoid Having Daddy Issues?

On today’s episode, we hear about: A young woman struggling to fill the hole her father left A wife angry that her husband relies too much on his mom A woman dealing with the aftermath of a life-changing accident Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch ❤️ ⁠Getaway with your spouse today! Connect With Our Sponsors: Head to Beam and use code DELONY for an exclusive discount—because better sleep, energy and focus start tonight. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Keep your home safe and under control. Go to Cove Smart and use code DELONY for up to 80% off your first order. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Go to Dutch Pet and use code DELONY to get $50 off a year of vet care. Go love your pets! Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.  Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  How do I overcome the desire for a father figure? He wasn't ready to be a dad, I guess.

• 0:11Dr. John Delony?

  Ah, I'm not gonna give him that pass. None of us are.

• 0:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 0:15Dr. John Delony?

  I'm sorry, hon. Every single daughter deserves a dad that would burn the world down for her. Because here's what happens when dads walk out on their daughter.

• 0:28Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee. I'm so glad you're with us. Taking your calls on your mental and emotional health, your grief, your sadness, your joy. You're trying to figure out what's the next right move. I'm so glad you pulled up a seat and you're hanging out with us today. Let's go out to Medford, Oregon and talk to Marie. What's up, Marie?

• 0:52Speaker 00

  Hi, Dr. John. How are you this morning?

• 0:54Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing great. How are you?

• 0:56Speaker 00

  I'm pretty good.

• 0:57Dr. John Delony?

  What's up?

• 0:59Speaker 00

  So, basically, my question is, I spent like half my life without a father in the home.

• 1:09Speaker 00

  And I was just wondering, basically, how do I overcome the desire for a father figure? Before it gets me into trouble? And I know the quick answer to that is, you just don't do stuff that gets you into trouble.

• 1:24Dr. John Delony?

  Well, it's not that. It's you never, ever try to squash a desire for a father figure. That's innate. That's built into all of us.

• 1:34Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 1:34Dr. John Delony?

  It like, don't, don't ever, don't ever not want to have a male figure in your life that's 10, 15, 20 years down the road that you can anchor into. And in your case, like, it breaks my heart that it's not your dad. Because it should have been your dad. Where'd your dad go?

• 1:56Speaker 00

  So...

• 1:58Dr. John Delony?

  You're all right. Take a breath.

• 2:05Speaker 00

  I guess he was never.

• 2:10Speaker 00

  He wasn't ready to be a dad, I guess.

• 2:12Dr. John Delony?

  Ah, I'm not gonna give him that pass.

• 2:16Dr. John Delony?

  None of us are.

• 2:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:20Dr. John Delony?

  None of us are.

• 2:23Speaker 00

  But yeah, as of now, he's, I think, in Southern California. I haven't spoke to him in probably like, yeah, nine years or something. So.

• 2:34Dr. John Delony?

  Do you know where he is? Do you have the ability to reach out? Or has he made it clear he doesn't want anything to do with you?

• 2:41Speaker 00

  He hasn't really made it clear. He hasn't really, he hasn't put forth much effort to reach out, but I think if I reached out, he'd be open to, but I don't know that I want to reach out.

• 2:53Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, that's fair.

• 2:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:56Dr. John Delony?

  So, what I'll tell you is, getting somebody, whether it's a grandparent, an uncle, um, a coach, a professor, somebody that you can practice, this sounds crazy to say, practice developing trust with. And when you do that, you have to be very careful about your boundaries.

• 3:19Dr. John Delony?

  Because there's, there's men out there that will find somebody in your situation and will welcome them in for their own, for their own, like, purposes, you know what I mean?

• 3:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 3:31Dr. John Delony?

  I'm sorry, hon.

• 3:36Dr. John Delony?

  Every single daughter deserves a dad that would burn the world down for her.

• 3:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's true.

• 3:48Dr. John Delony?

  No, listen to me. I'm the father of a daughter. I'm telling you the truth. It's the way it's supposed to be. I'm sorry.

• 3:59Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 4:01Dr. John Delony?

  So, so where do you worried about making, making choices that aren't good for you?

• 4:08Speaker 00

  So, I, all my moms that have, like, I have wonderful extended family. I have, yeah, a good grandpa, I have a couple of good uncles, especially one, but, I don't know, there's something about, I don't know if it's just my love language, if that's what you, if that's even the thing, but just touch, it's like a craving and I don't know what to do with it.

• 4:37Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm.

• 4:38Speaker 00

  I don't want it.

• 4:40Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, it's awesome. When it's channeled, channeled the right way, right? And there's a whole bunch of eighteen, nineteen, twenty and up that will take it, right?

• 4:49Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 4:50Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 4:53Dr. John Delony?

  Is your uncle safe?

• 4:56Speaker 00

  He is. Yeah, he very much is.

• 4:58Dr. John Delony?

  Does he live by you?

• 5:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:04Speaker 00

  I guess.

• 5:06Dr. John Delony?

  What's the question beneath the question?

• 5:13Speaker 00

  I don't really know, maybe it's...

• 5:16Dr. John Delony?

  How old are you?

• 5:17Speaker 00

  Eighteen.

• 5:18Dr. John Delony?

  Eighteen.

• 5:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:21Dr. John Delony?

  Are you sexually active?

• 5:23Speaker 00

  No.

• 5:23Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 5:25Speaker 00

  And I don't really have a desire to be.

• 5:27Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So, what, what do you, what, I feel like you're at war with your body. You don't want to feel like you need a dad, you don't want to feel like you need touch. Like, I, I'm feeling, I'm hearing you say you don't want to feel in your own skin. Tell me about that.

• 5:46Speaker 00

  Pretty much, yeah. It doesn't feel like there's an outlet for it. I don't want it.

• 5:53Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm. Is it because it hurts so bad because it's supposed to be the space that your dad filled and he left?

• 5:59Speaker 00

  I think so.

• 6:00Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 6:03Speaker 00

  And it was, like even when he was here, it was never filled.

• 6:07Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 6:08Speaker 00

  So.

• 6:10Dr. John Delony?

  Most, the fact that you're asking this at 18 is amazing.

• 6:17Dr. John Delony?

  Cause most people go their whole lives trying to fill that hole with sex, with alcohol, with work.

• 6:24Dr. John Delony?

  Some people try to fill it with religion. They just shove practices down to try to numb themselves out. Like, the fact that you're asking this right now is really powerful. You're very wise.

• 6:44Dr. John Delony?

  The challenge for you is to find somebody like your uncle who's safe and to have the courage to not run from what you feel, but to own what you feel. Here's the difference. Uncle's there, he gives you a side hug and you take that little scrap of connection.

• 7:06Dr. John Delony?

  And then you just try to white knuckle your way through it and not, not hold it, not hold it, not hold it.

• 7:13Dr. John Delony?

  Instead of texting your uncle and saying, "I need a big hug from Uncle Whoever."

• 7:22Dr. John Delony?

  And so, "When I see you next, I need you to hold me tight and don't let go."

• 7:30Dr. John Delony?

  And there's, there's a weird thing that's happened over the last 15, 20 years and that

• 7:37Dr. John Delony?

  there's a swath of great men

• 7:42Dr. John Delony?

  who, more than anything, don't want to be creepy.

• 7:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:49Dr. John Delony?

  And if you feel safe and this person's trustworthy, saying, "I need you to hug me and hold me tight", might be the permission that he's been needing to love you and care for you in a way that he's, he's seen you hurting and he just doesn't have the courage. He's scared. He doesn't want to, he doesn't want to scare you.

• 8:07Dr. John Delony?

  But when I say owning it, it's you saying, here's what I need and here's my boundaries. I'm not gonna go chase this from strangers. I'm not gonna go jump into bed with folks because I just need touch. I'm not gonna drink that feeling away.

• 8:22Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna find safe people like my uncle, like my granddad.

• 8:28Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna be very clear about what I need.

• 8:35Dr. John Delony?

  But hear me say this as directly as I can, Marie, there's not something wrong with you.

• 8:42Dr. John Delony?

  There's something very wrong with the situation that your dad left you in.

• 8:49Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 8:50Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. You're not broken. You're not messed up. You're not screwed up.

• 9:07Speaker 00

  Hey, it's kind of a follow-up question. I've kind of, yeah, I've been pretty open with my uncle with, yeah, a lot of things. You know, things my mom doesn't know, but...

• 9:19Dr. John Delony?

  Like what?

• 9:21Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 9:24Speaker 00

  Even just kind of this feeling, I guess.

• 9:30Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 9:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, I've kind of discussed with him about it, but just in conversation with him, I don't want to overcross like his boundaries.

• 9:39Dr. John Delony?

  You're his niece.

• 9:44Dr. John Delony?

  His job is to be the adult, and so it's not your job. Because here's what happens when dads walk out on their daughters.

• 9:53Dr. John Delony?

  You walk around, whether you know this or not, whether this is a conscious voice or a little tiny voice that sits way in the back of your heart. You walk around asking, what was so bad about me that dad left?

• 10:08Dr. John Delony?

  I see all these other girls whose dads are big and strong and macho and loud. And if you date my daughter, I'm gonna... And your dad said, "Now you're on your own. I'm out."

• 10:23Dr. John Delony?

  And then that little voice directs you to make sure you take care of and manage every other adult relationship, because now you know that's an option that the adults in your life can just leave. And no kid should know that's even an option.

• 10:42Dr. John Delony?

  It's not your job to manage your granddad, I mean, your uncle, your granddad's boundaries. That's their job. They're adults. It's your job to manage yours.

• 10:54Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 10:56Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 10:58Dr. John Delony?

  Give him permission to love you recklessly.

• 11:03Dr. John Delony?

  And he won't be able to fill that dad-sized hole in your heart, but man, he can help you get re-anchored.

• 11:16Dr. John Delony?

  And as you head off into college, head off into the workforce or something, finding a mentor that you trust, and often mentors can be found through other strong women who are a few years ahead of you, that will say, "We've been here for three years or five years at this company, or at this, at this college, whatever. That guy's safe."

• 11:38Dr. John Delony?

  And you find people that can mentor you. The greatest compliment I get from the younger women I work with is when they say, "You're the big brother that we never had."

• 11:50Dr. John Delony?

  Right? I can't be their dad. I'm not their uncle. I'm not family. But I can tell them the truth. I can try to be wise. I can say, "I wouldn't date that guy." Right? I can be that role, right? The big brother that they never had. And your mission is to find those people. And just be very clear about, "What are your boundaries? I'm not gonna go to bed with anybody. I'm not gonna be in a situation where I'm unsafe. I'm not gonna be one-on-one at a bar, right? Like, I'm gonna put myself in safe situations." But that becomes your mission. It's not to run from this sense that I need to be anchored into somebody.

• 12:26Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 12:28Dr. John Delony?

  If you hear nothing else I say, hear me as clearly as I can. There isn't, and there never was, anything wrong with you.

• 12:40Dr. John Delony?

  Your dad didn't leave because of you, okay?

• 12:45Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 12:48Dr. John Delony?

  It wasn't that he wasn't ready to be a dad, it's that he refused to answer the call when it came.

• 13:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:09Dr. John Delony?

  No, no, I'm serious.

• 13:13Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm sitting here with you because you know why that hurts worse.

• 13:19Dr. John Delony?

  It's almost easier to say he couldn't than he wouldn't.

• 13:27Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 13:28Dr. John Delony?

  Right? If the house is on fire and he's only got one leg, it's easier to say he couldn't climb up the ladder to save me. Then, no, he was able-bodied down there, he just chose not to.

• 13:41Dr. John Delony?

  That's a harder reality to deal with, right?

• 13:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:51Dr. John Delony?

  And this is not your job in any way, shape, form, or fashion, but it may one day, it's that old saying, "It's not by your hand, but it's in your lap." It's not at all your fault that your house flooded, but here you are, right? It's not at all your fault that your dad walked out on you.

• 14:09Dr. John Delony?

  But if you have his phone number, maybe one day you call him and say, "Dad, what was so bad about me?" And maybe he gives you, he just says, "I needed this call."

• 14:20Dr. John Delony?

  Or maybe right now the anger is too strong, it's too powerful, and that's okay. Or maybe you just need to move on, it's okay.

• 14:30Dr. John Delony?

  I hate this for him, heartbroken for you. Dads aren't supposed to leave their daughters.

• 14:37Dr. John Delony?

  But it sounds like you've got a good man in your life that's family, that's trustworthy.

• 14:44Dr. John Delony?

  Maybe it's having the courage to call him and say, "Hey, Uncle Whoever, Uncle John, I'm 18 now, my dad left.

• 14:53Dr. John Delony?

  I need hugs. I need wisdom. I need somebody to vet my people I'm dating. I need someone I can sit down with. I'm thinking about going to college or taking this job. And I'm designating you. Do you accept the job?"

• 15:12Dr. John Delony?

  My gut tells me he's gonna exhale and say, "I've been waiting for this forever."

• 15:17Dr. John Delony?

  And you can say, "I'm gonna hug you. You don't let go, I'll let go when I'm done."

• 15:23Dr. John Delony?

  And that might be the greatest gift you've given him and that he can in return give you.

• 15:32Dr. John Delony?

  Wanting to be touched and wanting to be held and wanting to be said, "You're beautiful and I love you and I'm glad you're my daughter." That doesn't make you broke and that makes you very, very human.

• 15:44Dr. John Delony?

  And to the dads listening to this podcast,

• 15:49Dr. John Delony?

  don't ever, ever leave your daughters.

• 15:55Dr. John Delony?

  When we come back, a woman asks how to ask her husband to keep his mom out of the family finances. Yikes.

• 16:03Dr. John Delony?

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• 17:32Dr. John Delony?

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• 19:01Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go to Durango, Colorado, or as Kelly calls it, Durango, and talk to Sarah. What's up, Sarah?

• 19:10Speaker 02

  How's it going, John?

• 19:11Dr. John Delony?

  Great. How are you?

• 19:13Speaker 02

  I'm doing good.

• 19:14Dr. John Delony?

  What's up?

• 19:16Speaker 02

  Oh, gosh. Um, so my-

• 19:18Dr. John Delony?

  So much.

• 19:20Speaker 02

  It's like, where do you begin? Like, where's the starting point?

• 19:26Speaker 02

  So, my husband and I, um, I, I run my own business. I run a cleaning business. And, um, my husband was in the medical field for a super long time. And he just got out. He wants to kind of start his own business. And we're struggling a little bit with our finances. And, um-

• 19:46Dr. John Delony?

  What does that mean?

• 19:46Speaker 02

  So it kind of came-

• 19:47Dr. John Delony?

  What does that mean? You don't make enough money because your husband quit his job?

• 19:51Speaker 02

  Uh, yeah. Um, I mean, he, so he's been doing fine with, like, his business. Like, he's bringing in an income with it. And I just started college classes and it ended up being a lot more money than I expected it to be. Uh, so I had to, like, dump quite a bit of, uh, my savings into it. And then, like, he ended up wrecking his car into a field of elk. And so we had to, like, dump more money into getting another vehicle. And now it's like we need to register and title that vehicle. And there's been certain points where it's like, and we have a one-year-old. So it's like, okay, do we buy diapers or do we register the truck?

• 20:35Speaker 02

  So, um, and there's been, like, other things that he's been struggling with, like addiction-wise. Um, and that's, I don't want to get too much into that just because that is very personal on a level that I don't know if I want that on air.

• 20:51Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 20:51Speaker 02

  Um, but, and that has, like, drained some of our finances as well. Um-

• 20:59Dr. John Delony?

  Can you answer one question, just yes or no?

• 21:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 21:03Dr. John Delony?

  Is it gambling?

• 21:05Speaker 02

  No.

• 21:06Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 21:07Speaker 02

  No, it's, honestly, it's, it's a lot worse than that. Um, and it, it is rooted into, like, childhood trauma and, um-

• 21:22Speaker 02

  And his mom has a lot to do with it. And she's just always jumped in to solve all of his problems. And he's never created the skills to be able to problem solve on his own. And that has also caused a lot of, um, problems in our marriage. Cause and, and I'm, I grew up in a tough love home. Like I did, and it's not that I try to do that same process to my husband, but I'm, I'm not one.

• 21:53Dr. John Delony?

  He needs it.

• 21:54Speaker 02

  Yeah. And it, but it's, I don't want to build up like a false sense of pride in him in a way. Cause his mom is always just like, the best way I can explain it is like, if she could marry her own son, she would. And like just the way that she builds him up all the time.

• 22:14Dr. John Delony?

  I totally get that. But I'm saying is he desperately, desperately needs somebody who is not codependent on him. Who's not using him, who's not a parasite to him.

• 22:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:24Dr. John Delony?

  But he needs somebody who actually loves him. Tough love is not always bad.

• 22:30Speaker 02

  No, and, and I think the thing that he struggles with is that I actually hold him accountable to things. And, and he really struggles with that.

• 22:41Dr. John Delony?

  I know.

• 22:44Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, he's not on the phone and you've mentioned all these things about him.

• 22:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:47Dr. John Delony?

  How can I help you?

• 22:50Speaker 02

  Okay, so, um, I, I need to know how to bring this up to him without making him feel like he's attacked.

• 23:01Dr. John Delony?

  You can't, you can't. You've been doing this forever. How long have you all been together?

• 23:07Speaker 02

  Uh, five years married for four.

• 23:09Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, you have been dancing around him for four or five years. Stop.

• 23:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:16Dr. John Delony?

  Because by dancing around him, you are co-creating his childhood again.

• 23:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:23Dr. John Delony?

  Somebody has to stop because you are now unsafe. Relationally, financially, emotionally.

• 23:33Dr. John Delony?

  When I say unsafe, I'm not talking about like the little safe space at a small private school.

• 23:40Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:41Dr. John Delony?

  I'm talking about you may not be able to buy groceries for your baby.

• 23:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:50Dr. John Delony?

  You have to own that reality, okay?

• 23:53Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 23:55Dr. John Delony?

  And you also have to know you're married to somebody who is very, very unwell.

• 24:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:03Dr. John Delony?

  And so dancing around that isn't helpful. It's you saying, here is what, here's what must be true.

• 24:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:14Dr. John Delony?

  You pick your mother or you pick me?

• 24:18Dr. John Delony?

  And here's what picking me means.

• 24:26Dr. John Delony?

  Cause you're trying to be, you, I mean,

• 24:30Dr. John Delony?

  like, you're trying to be married to two people right now.

• 24:33Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah, and, and I have told him that, and she, his mom is very passive aggressive towards me, and she attacks me in private. Um, I mean, she's hot, I told me to my, yeah, it's just, it's not a good situation.

• 24:53Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, but she's, she doesn't get a vote in your life?

• 24:56Speaker 02

  No, she doesn't.

• 24:57Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome.

• 25:00Dr. John Delony?

  But there has to come a moment, here's the deal, the moment's gonna come, I'd rather you pull the car up to the parking lot than have it dropped in your lap. The moment will come when he has to choose mommy or his wife and his child.

• 25:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:16Dr. John Delony?

  Period.

• 25:19Dr. John Delony?

  And if he chooses wife and child, he's gonna go to rehab.

• 25:24Dr. John Delony?

  Period.

• 25:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, he, yeah, he needs to.

• 25:26Dr. John Delony?

  And if he is gonna choose wife and child, he's not gonna have a hobby that barely makes money.

• 25:34Dr. John Delony?

  If he is gonna choose wife and child, he's not gonna, and I'm making this up, I don't know if this is true, he's not gonna drive intoxicated into a field of elk. If he's gonna pick-

• 25:43Speaker 02

  I'm sorry, can you say that again?

• 25:45Dr. John Delony?

  I, I'm making this up, right, so I don't know if this is true or not, but if, if he is gonna choose wife and child, he's not gonna drive intoxicated into a field full of elk.

• 25:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:54Dr. John Delony?

  If he is,

• 25:56Dr. John Delony?

  if he's gonna choose wife and child, he's gonna have a steady job, and he can start a new business later, but he needs some stability and somebody that says you have to be here in this office at 6:45 a.m.

• 26:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:08Dr. John Delony?

  Working a 12-hour shift.

• 26:13Dr. John Delony?

  Otherwise, you are just, you're punting reality down the road. And there will be, the cards will get called on the table at some point. I'd much rather you do that before you have two other kids and a mortgage that you can't afford. And $100,000.

• 26:30Speaker 02

  Oh, you actually have two older kids.

• 26:31Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And $100,000 in student loans, right?

• 26:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:36Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, like, you see where this train is heading.

• 26:40Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah. And, um, so, like, I'm very heavily in with the church. And, um, they've, they've extremely helped me a lot with this. And a lot of the things that you're seeing, because when I, when I had first called into the show, or written into the show, like, this was, it's been a couple of weeks, but, um, a lot has happened since then. And, and it is, I did come to that reality that, um, I did tell my husband at one point, I was like, you know, like, I have, like, I, I have my own abandonment issues. And I was like, I did tell him, I was like, this is where, like, all of your actions are leading me into triggering my abandonment.

• 27:23Speaker 02

  And I can't do it anymore. And I was like, I have to let you go in a sense of trying to control what you do and, like, your addiction, your, all of these things. I was like, I can't, I can't do it anymore.

• 27:39Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, but did you do the next step, which is create your own checking account and have your money direct deposited in there so he can't get it?

• 27:45Speaker 02

  So, I've always had my own account set up for my business.

• 27:49Dr. John Delony?

  No, no, no, no. I'm talking about for your home.

• 27:51Speaker 02

  Uh, well, yeah.

• 27:54Dr. John Delony?

  And don't live out of your business account. That's not, that's a mess, too.

• 27:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's what I've been doing.

• 27:59Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, please don't do that. That's a tax nightmare. That's, that's a way to get your business in a mess and your home in a mess.

• 28:04Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 28:05Dr. John Delony?

  And if you listen to me ever, I tell everybody, day, day one, like, you walk down the aisle, walk right out, and go to a bank and you'll open a checking account together.

• 28:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:15Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so, but I'm telling you not to do that because it's not safe right now.

• 28:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:20Dr. John Delony?

  But I, I, I guess here's what I want to challenge you. I want you to pause the counsulees.

• 28:32Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to practice standing up as a woman of strength and ownership.

• 28:40Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 28:40Dr. John Delony?

  What do I mean? I mean, not sitting down with him while he's got his phone in his hand and say, hey, you're triggering my abandonment issues.

• 28:50Dr. John Delony?

  But I'm saying you stare at him and say, put your phone down. I have something direct to say to you.

• 28:55Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 28:56Dr. John Delony?

  You choose me, and here's what that means, or you choose your mommy and your addiction.

• 29:02Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:03Dr. John Delony?

  But as for me and my house, we're not moving forward.

• 29:09Dr. John Delony?

  You get that strength I'm talking about? And I think you have a fear that he's gonna go run to his mom's house and she'll welcome him with open arms.

• 29:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, yeah, it's...

• 29:19Dr. John Delony?

  It may have happened before.

• 29:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, so it's, I mean, I've kind of crossed that bridge already.

• 29:26Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but here's the thing. That means he's already there.

• 29:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:31Dr. John Delony?

  And y'all are just playing.

• 29:33Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 29:33Dr. John Delony?

  And if you want to keep playing, you can do that.

• 29:41Dr. John Delony?

  You can keep doing that.

• 29:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, that makes sense.

• 29:46Dr. John Delony?

  But I think you deserve more than that. I think he deserves more than that. But nobody's ever called him out. And it may be that nobody's ever going to call him out because he doesn't, he's always gonna have this backup plan in the form of mommy and her basement.

• 30:04Dr. John Delony?

  And I don't, I honestly, I don't, I don't know how to counteract that.

• 30:09Dr. John Delony?

  Other than to call mom and say, hey, you're destroying your son.

• 30:14Dr. John Delony?

  But that, that message wouldn't get through to her at all.

• 30:20Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, here's the deal. You are headed towards a put up or shut up moment. I would rather call it, I would rather be in charge of that moment instead of having that moment happen to me. This is about choosing reality. And the reality is, you had a husband that's struggling with addiction. You have a husband who goes to mom before his wife.

• 30:42Dr. John Delony?

  You've got two older kids. You have a young baby who you can't afford diapers because your husband wrecked the truck. Your husband quit his good job to start his own business.

• 30:55Dr. John Delony?

  It's you sitting down with a friend or with a counselor, or if you've got a good mentor at your church to sit down with somebody and say, "Okay, here's what must be true. Here's what I want for my life." "Because he's cheating on you with his mom." Let me put it that way. "Maybe not sexually, but in every other way, financially, emotionally, relationally. He's cheating on you with his mother." "And you're the one getting dragged behind." "So no more counseles. You're triggering my attachment." "As for me and my house, do you want in on this relationship or do you want out? You get to choose. And if you want to stay, here's what this is going to look like." And he might say, "Bye Felicia, I'm out."

• 31:39Dr. John Delony?

  But I think he's already said it. Today's day one.

• 31:48Dr. John Delony?

  We'll be thinking about you, Sarah. When we come back, a woman asks how to care for herself while living with a very depressed partner. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. This time of year can be tough for everybody, so I want you to make sure you check in on your friends and reconnect with loved ones. I recently just got back from visiting some old friends in Texas, and it was like a cup of cold water in the desert. And just like it can take a little courage to send a message or grab coffee with somebody you haven't seen in a while, reaching out for therapy can also feel hard too. But if you need it, it's worth it. If you're reaching out for a new therapist, I recommend BetterHelp.

• 32:29Dr. John Delony?

  With over 30,000 therapists, they're the largest online therapy provider in the world. They've served over 5 million people globally, and they have an average rating of 4.9 out of 5. It's totally online, so it can easily fit into your banana schedule. To get started, you just answer a few simple questions, and they're going to connect you with a licensed therapist who fits your needs. And if it's not the right fit out of the gate, you can switch at any time for no extra cost. This month, don't wait to reach out. BetterHelp makes it easy to take a first step to find a therapist. Visit betterhelp.com/deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H E L P, dot com slash deloney.

• 33:11Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we're back. Let's go to South Bend, Indiana and talk to LYNN. What's up, Lynn?

• 33:17Speaker 03

  Hi, I want to thank you for the work you do. I feel like your biggest fan and I've never missed an episode.

• 33:23Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, wow. I think I've missed a few episodes. That's awesome. Thank you.

• 33:27Speaker 03

  Yeah. Um, so last year, it's been almost a year now, I fell from a ladder and I had a spinal cord injury.

• 33:36Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, man, I'm sorry.

• 33:38Speaker 03

  Thank you. Um, so I'm paralyzed from like the hips down now. Um, so life has completely changed.

• 33:46Dr. John Delony?

  Like you're completely chair-bound?

• 33:48Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 33:49Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, my gosh.

• 33:51Speaker 03

  So, um, before, like the summer before my accident, I started going to therapy, just trying to, um, have a little more self-care. So I'm, I've been married for 11 years. I have three stepsons. Um, and I was just putting everybody else first. So I was trying to reclaim my peace, my happiness, you know, without always giving myself to everybody else. Um, so then I had my accident and suddenly I needed everybody a lot. Um, and it was a big change in our household because I, I cooked, I cleaned, I loved being a wife and

• 34:31Speaker 03

  mom and doing all the things. Um, and then suddenly I couldn't. So it was a big shift and I just, my husband fell into pretty deep depression. Um, he's got a high ACEs score. He's got a lot going on. He's in law enforcement. He's studying for the bar now. So there's just been, he's got his own stuff too. Um, but I kind of take it personally because now I need a lot more and he's really withdrawn, um, emotionally, physically. And I'm just trying to figure out how to keep, um, keep myself happy.

• 35:11Speaker 03

  When I often feel like a burden and he'll say I'm not a burden. But I can feel his energy and I feel like a burden and he'll tell me he loves me and I'll say I don't feel like you. And then I'll say, well, you're just being negative and I've tried to say for 11 months now. I've been nothing but positive, very intentionally been nothing but positive and I had been negative before and I know that I nag and. But I haven't since my accident. Cause I already feel like a burden, if that makes sense.

• 35:44Dr. John Delony?

  So this accident happened. So I want to back up because you said a couple of things and things are kind of bouncing around. Okay.

• 35:52Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 35:53Dr. John Delony?

  You said, I decided to go see a counselor because I was tired of giving myself away to everybody.

• 35:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:59Dr. John Delony?

  I needed to rebuild myself from the floor up. Who am I, right?

• 36:02Speaker 03

  Yep, yep.

• 36:03Dr. John Delony?

  Followed by, I loved cooking and cleaning and being a wife and mother.

• 36:09Speaker 03

  Yes, well, and business was my drug. So I, I would burn myself out doing those things as well.

• 36:15Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 36:16Speaker 03

  So I was trying to kind of figure out that balance.

• 36:18Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So it wasn't that you were thinking, oh, my God, I married the wrong person. I wish I didn't have these dumb stepkids. It was, I love doing that part and. It can be really easy that kids are suddenly yelling, where's my socks? And you're like, why don't you just do your own fricking socks for like. It's just finding that, that balance, right?

• 36:38Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 36:39Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 36:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 36:40Dr. John Delony?

  And then your husband's in his three L year, his last year of law school.

• 36:44Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 36:44Dr. John Delony?

  When you have this, his, suddenly his wife is paralyzed.

• 36:48Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 36:49Dr. John Delony?

  Is he still doing law enforcement stuff too, or is he in school full time?

• 36:52Speaker 03

  Um, he's do, still doing law enforcement. Um, he'll take the bar in February. So now he's studying for the bar, but still working full time.

• 37:00Dr. John Delony?

  Good Lord.

• 37:01Speaker 03

  And he offered to quit law school. I said, do not quit law school. Literally all I can do is sit around. Like, you don't have to quit law school. And I'm really self-sufficient at home now.

• 37:10Dr. John Delony?

  Sure. Okay. So I guess I want to start with this.

• 37:13Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 37:14Dr. John Delony?

  I've had this exact conversation with spouses of three L students studying for the bar who are very able-bodied.

• 37:22Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 37:22Dr. John Delony?

  Where did my spouse go?

• 37:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:25Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So some of this is very seasonal.

• 37:29Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 37:29Dr. John Delony?

  Where's

• 37:30Speaker 03

  I will say that he did, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you.

• 37:32Dr. John Delony?

  No, you're good, you're good.

• 37:32Speaker 03

  He did ask me to be very patient. He said, just be patient with me.

• 37:36Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 37:36Speaker 03

  So, sorry, go ahead.

• 37:38Dr. John Delony?

  Well, and, and recommendation number one, I always told law students is do not work during this time.

• 37:44Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 37:45Dr. John Delony?

  So he's working in a job where people are trying to shoot him every day.

• 37:49Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:50Dr. John Delony?

  Or they hate that he's showing up. And then he goes and studies for the bar and then he, and again, I don't want to give anybody a pass, I'm just trying to provide a context, not an excuse, but a context.

• 38:01Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 38:02Dr. John Delony?

  My guess is, he is a problem solver to the max, is that fair?

• 38:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:08Dr. John Delony?

  His love language is, I'm gonna get the, get the oil changed?

• 38:13Speaker 03

  Um.

• 38:15Dr. John Delony?

  Or do you do that too?

• 38:16Speaker 03

  Well, it's probably not the best example.

• 38:20Dr. John Delony?

  Here's what I'm saying, if you come home and say, I'm struggling with X, Y, or Z, does he want to solve it for you?

• 38:28Dr. John Delony?

  Maybe not.

• 38:28Speaker 03

  No.

• 38:29Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, dang Gina, good on him.

• 38:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:34Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, hey, don't, don't lament that. Most, most of the law enforcement wives I know are like, I just want him to sit by me, not fix everything.

• 38:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, well, yeah.

• 38:45Dr. John Delony?

  Here's what I'm wondering, I'm wondering if he doesn't know how to love you next. And most of the time when there's a major shift, somebody gets in an accident, somebody's mom dies, somebody loses a job, often both people are quote unquote, trying to get back to the way things were.

• 39:06Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 39:07Dr. John Delony?

  And it's you, you've heard me say this a thousand times, did you listen to the show a lot, the marriage y'all had is over.

• 39:14Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 39:15Dr. John Delony?

  And it's exhaling and saying, okay, what kind of marriage do we want to build now? And it just so happens, y'all are trying to rebuild a marriage in the middle of the worst blizzard, which is studying for the February bar.

• 39:27Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 39:28Dr. John Delony?

  While he's working a full-time job.

• 39:30Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 39:31Dr. John Delony?

  While you're raising his three stepsons.

• 39:34Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 39:35Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 39:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:37Dr. John Delony?

  And so y'all are gonna have to come up with a patchwork, three-month plan, or four-month plan, followed by a six-month plan.

• 39:48Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 39:49Dr. John Delony?

  Which is, how can I love you right now? Here's what love looks like. Because y'all are gonna get in these gaslight dances, right?

• 39:56Speaker 03

  Uh huh.

• 39:57Dr. John Delony?

  I can tell you don't love me. I love you, you're just being negative. I'm not being negative, I'm being super positive. I can just tell you don't love me. You're being, and neither of you, you're both saying things to each other to keep yourselves safe.

• 40:09Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:10Dr. John Delony?

  Instead of, I miss you, and here's what I, here's, here's what I want. I want you to hold my hand. I want you to pick me up out of this chair, and I want you to put me in your lap. I don't wanna watch a TV show with you.

• 40:22Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 40:23Dr. John Delony?

  I can't feel my feet, but I still wanna hook up.

• 40:26Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 40:27Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And I don't, I'm just putting things out there.

• 40:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:28Dr. John Delony?

  Like, but it's, it's, here is permission, here is the path towards, to my heart.

• 40:34Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 40:35Dr. John Delony?

  Here's the path to my body.

• 40:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, cuz that's a whole new territory as well.

• 40:40Dr. John Delony?

  It, it is. But like, if he doesn't know what's safe, what's not safe, and I don't even know how to ask the words, is this hurt? Does this feel okay? Is this, like, it, it's, it's slowly walking through those, step by step by step, and it's figuring out a way, is there a way we can laugh through this?

• 40:56Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 40:56Dr. John Delony?

  Is there a way we can be silly? Is there an off-ramp here? Or is a, we're gonna try this, and if this doesn't work, we're going directly to plan B? Like, it's saying those things out loud, instead of getting frustrated, and then nobody does anything, and then you both miss each other.

• 41:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, that makes sense.

• 41:18Dr. John Delony?

  And-

• 41:18Speaker 03

  And a lot of times, oh, sorry.

• 41:20Dr. John Delony?

  No, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

• 41:22Speaker 03

  Um, I'll try to, I'll try to tell him something, and then he gets very defensive about it.

• 41:27Dr. John Delony?

  Of course.

• 41:28Speaker 03

  Or does the, the whole, like, sorry, I'm not good enough, sorry, I'm not so-and-so. It's hard for him to hear that. So I think if I can come at it like you're saying, you know, very explicit, and what I need in the moment, that would be helpful.

• 41:40Dr. John Delony?

  But, but here's another thing. It's sitting down at the table, when you'll have a clear of the deck, like, hey, we got a new marriage now.

• 41:46Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 41:47Dr. John Delony?

  You have a wife that is chair-bound for, for this season. I have a husband, and taking one of, if not the most stressful exam of any academic exam in this season, while also working a full-time job, trying to keep food on table.

• 42:02Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 42:03Dr. John Delony?

  Like-

• 42:05Dr. John Delony?

  I need you, if I say something, we're both, if you say these words, "We're both trying to figure out how to do this new life." If I say something that sounds critical, I'm gonna ask you to hear it as, "I love you so much, could you love me like this?"

• 42:22Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 42:23Dr. John Delony?

  Not, "You're failing me." And what you're asking him to do is to be a big grown up, big boy, and not run away every time he gets his feelings hurt.

• 42:31Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 42:35Dr. John Delony?

  And you'll have to be able to put money on the table. You have to be able to put sex on the table. And say things explicitly, "I want you to take my shirt off, but I'm sitting in a wheelchair and I know that's weird. Can we laugh and figure this out?"

• 42:50Dr. John Delony?

  Or, "I want to do X, Y, or Z, and I know that's gonna be weird."

• 42:56Dr. John Delony?

  Until we get through it the first time, or the 10th time. And it's not how Hollywood draws it up, but it's just walking through that together.

• 43:06Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 43:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, that, that all makes a lot of sense.

• 43:14Speaker 03

  Because we have tiptoed around a lot, and we both have thoughts and feelings, and we try to share, but it's different and awkward and...

• 43:23Dr. John Delony?

  That's why I love, love, love the clear the deck meeting. Because otherwise, people, they get the courage, the courage, the courage, and, or they hold it, hold it, hold it, and then it just explodes. "Well, I wanna try this, and you never wanna do this." And it always comes at a day when you've had two extra painkillers, and you've had constipation for four days, and you're like, "Not today." And then it feels like, it feels like a, like he finally got the, "I wanna do thi-" and then he feels rejected, and the only thing he can do is fight back.

• 43:58Dr. John Delony?

  Right? It just starts this loop. Or you finally get the courage to say, "Hey, honey, tonight, maybe..." And that's the night he's got the biggest bar prep day, right? So it's just, it's getting away and clearing the deck and saying, "Hey, what does this look like?" For just four months. Anybody can do anything for four months.

• 44:15Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yep.

• 44:18Dr. John Delony?

  But yeah, tiptoe. It's the opposite of tiptoe.

• 44:22Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 44:23Dr. John Delony?

  Do you think he loves you?

• 44:27Speaker 03

  Um, I do. I just

• 44:30Dr. John Delony?

  That was a long hesitation.

• 44:33Speaker 03

  Yeah. I don't know. I just don't, I don't know if this is too much. He says it's not, but

• 44:40Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, when you say if this is too much, I want you to be honest about what you're asking. Am I still lovable now that I'm in a chair?

• 44:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:49Dr. John Delony?

  That's the question.

• 44:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:53Dr. John Delony?

  And if he says yes, I'm in.

• 44:58Dr. John Delony?

  You can't keep taking your doubt, your cinder blocks you're carrying around and handing them to him and making him carry them.

• 45:07Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 45:07Dr. John Delony?

  Just because you feel less than, or not beautiful, or maybe a burden, or not lovable, doesn't mean that he thinks you are. But what you go looking for in the world, you're sure to find.

• 45:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:27Speaker 03

  So then I just,

• 45:30Speaker 03

  um, I guess look to see if his actions match those words after I give him, you know, after we talk specifics and

• 45:39Dr. John Delony?

  I, I, I want you to put the focus not on him for right now, but on you. Here's what I mean.

• 45:43Speaker 03

  Okay, okay.

• 45:45Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to look him in the eye and say, every ounce of my being feels like I'm a burden to you now, but I'm going to trust you that I'm not.

• 45:53Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 45:53Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm going to practice feeling lovable.

• 45:58Speaker 03

  Hmm, yeah.

• 45:59Dr. John Delony?

  I'm going to practice feeling sexy.

• 46:05Dr. John Delony?

  I'm going to practice feeling spontaneous.

• 46:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:13Dr. John Delony?

  And all of those things are going to feel uncomfortable. And you're gonna look for every glance he gives you, every time he closes his eyes and looks away, you're gonna look for every shred of proof that you're not lovable, that you're not sexy, that you're not pretty, that you're not wife material anymore.

• 46:29Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 46:32Dr. John Delony?

  And you have to commit to practicing those things.

• 46:36Speaker 03

  Okay, I can do that.

• 46:39Dr. John Delony?

  And then he's gonna have to commit to practicing to just going in, and it's gonna be weird to unbutton somebody's shirt when they're sitting in a chair.

• 46:46Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 46:46Dr. John Delony?

  It just is.

• 46:48Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 46:49Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 46:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, yep.

• 46:52Dr. John Delony?

  It's gonna be awkward to fill in the blank.

• 46:58Dr. John Delony?

  But it's, it's, it's, the only thing that's gonna crush this thing is the tiptoeing.

• 47:03Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 47:04Dr. John Delony?

  So just head right through it. This is what this is, what this is. This is us choosing reality.

• 47:09Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 47:10Dr. John Delony?

  And you are gonna stay on your OT.

• 47:13Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 47:14Dr. John Delony?

  If you're seeing gains, and you're seeing yourself get stronger, and you're seeing these changes, that's amazing.

• 47:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, I'm very hopeful.

• 47:21Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 47:26Dr. John Delony?

  I'll also say one more thing, and this is just my personal experience with my friends who are police officers.

• 47:32Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 47:34Dr. John Delony?

  Many of them carry shame that their wives have to work.

• 47:39Dr. John Delony?

  When they don't want to.

• 47:42Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 47:43Dr. John Delony?

  There's this sense that I'm doing this really remarkable job, this hard job, this providing job, this, it, it's, this caring job.

• 47:54Dr. John Delony?

  Yet, when I go to the only metric that most men have to whether they're worthy of being loved, which is their checking account, that job doesn't pay anything. It's a, it's a, it's a cultural disgrace.

• 48:06Dr. John Delony?

  But it's, it's just where we are.

• 48:09Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 48:10Dr. John Delony?

  And I can't imagine that he's not also carrying around the fact that his wife still has to go to work.

• 48:17Dr. John Delony?

  In this season. Maybe not. Maybe I'm projecting onto him just from my friends that are, that are officers.

• 48:23Speaker 03

  No, I think, I think that's pretty accurate.

• 48:25Dr. John Delony?

  But letting him know, I want to be here right now.

• 48:31Dr. John Delony?

  And that you see, I see how hard you're working. So that one day. You're gonna get a job as an attorney. You're either gonna go help the least of these, which is what you are you gonna go make a whole bunch of money or both or whatever. But I see how hard you're working for me, for us. I'm so proud of you.

• 48:52Speaker 03

  And I probably don't say that enough. I say it, but not nearly enough.

• 48:56Dr. John Delony?

  But I mean, saying it like where you're have both hands on his face.

• 48:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 49:02Speaker 03

  You could use that.

• 49:05Dr. John Delony?

  And then you can say, alright dummy, now hold my face and tell me that I'm still hot, right?

• 49:11Speaker 03

  Yup.

• 49:11Dr. John Delony?

  Or I just made that up. That was sexist. Sorry. But like, like whatever you need to hear or want to hear. Like, I see how hard you're working and you're going to work and I'm proud of you too, right? It's, it's y'all like committing to, we gotta rebuild this thing from the floor up. Do you still choose me?

• 49:28Speaker 03

  Okay, and then believe it.

• 49:30Dr. John Delony?

  And it would not right out the gate, because most people are like, I'm gonna believe it. And then you don't feel it, right? It's practicing that belief.

• 49:37Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 49:39Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna choose to, when he says, I love you, and then he does X, Y, or Z, I'm gonna choose to believe that, even when I don't feel it.

• 49:46Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 49:48Dr. John Delony?

  And that means when I choose to believe it, I'm gonna take an action. I'm gonna send him a card. I'm gonna send him a flirty text. I'm gonna send him something. I'm gonna practice the action of belief.

• 49:59Speaker 03

  Hey, we did download your app and you have been sending me, um, I love you texts throughout the day.

• 50:04Dr. John Delony?

  Gross. Okay. Listen, A, thanks for getting that app, but, um, tell him, I don't want you to send me just I love you texts. Here's what I want you to, here's what I really want.

• 50:17Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 50:18Dr. John Delony?

  I want a shirtless picture of you in your uniform. I don't know what's you, what weird stuff you learn to. But like, I want you to like up the ante for him and give him a barrier to cross to come get his love.

• 50:29Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 50:31Dr. John Delony?

  A tiny barrier, a teeny tiny one.

• 50:33Speaker 03

  Yeah. Okay. I like that. Yeah.

• 50:39Dr. John Delony?

  My guess is he is sitting around thinking,

• 50:43Dr. John Delony?

  "I can't even provide for my wife." And yet, he's working a full-time job and studying for the bar, which is something I always tell people don't do.

• 50:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:50Dr. John Delony?

  And I don't know how to love her now, but I do.

• 50:55Speaker 03

  Yeah. That is, that is really helpful. That just makes my heart feel better, just thinking of it that way.

• 51:02Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome. And everything has changed and you're still worthy of being loved, Lynn.

• 51:07Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 51:09Dr. John Delony?

  And the new adventure is how do we be rambunctious and full of joy and play and eros and sexy and sad sometimes and grieving? How do we do all that together now? Because it's all new. You have a totally new marriage. And the, the fun to be had here, the adventure to be had here is getting to discover each other again in this new environment, this new context. "Hi, my name is Lynn. I think you're kind of cute."

• 51:40Dr. John Delony?

  You want to go out. Like, that's where we are, which can be terrifying and kind of awesome. Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back.

• 51:51Dr. John Delony?

  If you have ever seen me out in the world, whether I'm speaking on stages, at live events, or even the other night when I was at a comedy club doing a set, you have seen me wearing a Poncho shirt. It is cold outside right now, so I can wear my favorites, my Poncho denims and flannels. These are the ones I wear almost every day, like the Laramie, the Buffalo, and so many more. I love all of Poncho shirts. Poncho's performance denim has that soft, broken-in feel with a little bit of stretch. It's like you've worn it 100 times, but it still looks incredible. Poncho flannels come in original or western styles, and I guarantee you, they're going to be the softest shirts you own. Somehow, they're both durable, but also insanely comfortable. Poncho shirts come in slim or regular fit.

• 52:33Dr. John Delony?

  They're built for real life and they hold up to whatever your day throws at you. When you are shopping for the guys in your life this holiday season, go to ponchooutdoors.com/deloney. By the way, everyone I know is wearing Poncho shirts now. Airports, other states, all across the country. People are getting the message. Poncho shirts are the best. You can sign up right now with your email and you're going to get 10 bucks off your first order. That's ponchooutdoors.com/deloney. Go check them out.

• 53:04Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Kelly, something cool happened. What is it?

• 53:06Speaker 04

  All right, this is from Meghan in Salt Lake City. And Meghan writes, "Thank you for making the Questions for Humans cards. Trying to get my husband to talk is like trying to draw blood from a stone. Even when I ask him how his day was, I get one-word answers. On our most recent dates, I pulled out the couples deck and we had a nice conversation. On the way home, he started asking me questions and it was delightful. I have the questions in my purse now and we pull them out anytime we are together. Who knew that something so simple would make such a huge difference?"

• 53:36Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome. Well, hey, thanks for not giving up on your husband and going for different ways to try to communicate with him. And good on him for being like, "I'll put my phone down, okay." I guess that's my voice for every husband at a restaurant who just answers one-on-one. "Hey, hey." That's the language my son speaks now, is this. "Hey."

• 53:57Dr. John Delony?

  "Hey, how was school today?" "Good."

• 53:59Speaker 04

  "I was good, fine."

• 54:01Dr. John Delony?

  "Hey, I just got a million dollars in cash for you." "Okay."

• 54:04Speaker 04

  All right.

• 54:06Speaker 04

  Yeah, my son comes home, he's 19, he'll come in from work. "How was your shift?" "Fine."

• 54:11Speaker 04

  "Okay, great."

• 54:12Dr. John Delony?

  Has your son had the, "Hey, is this just the rest of my life now?" Where you just wake up and go to work and then come home?

• 54:18Speaker 04

  A little bit. He starts trade school, hopefully in January, because he's on the waiting list, and we're waiting. So he knows there's something else in between. But he's realizing it's like, "Oh, this is what I've chosen and this is it."

• 54:33Dr. John Delony?

  Forever.

• 54:34Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 54:34Dr. John Delony?

  My wife tells this great story about like being in high school and like seeing her mom making lunches or something and she was like,

• 54:41Dr. John Delony?

  "This is just your life." And she like called her mom out, and her mom just like walked out of there like, "Oh, that was a deep one."

• 54:49Dr. John Delony?

  "You just wake up every day and like do the same stupid thing over and over and go to bed and repeat? This is your life?" And I was like, "Oh, God. Being an adult's terrible."

• 54:56Speaker 04

  Well, now he'll say things like, I'll ask him to do something. And mind you, he's not working quite full time. He's like 30 something hours and he'll be like, I have to work today. I'll be like, really? How's that? The, the five hour shift that you work? How's that going? And then he'll realize he said it and he's like, oh, okay.

• 55:16Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, never mind. Yeah. That's awesome.

• 55:19Speaker 04

  When they realize like, oh, I have to work and still do all the things that I have to do. And yeah. So there's a little vindication in it.

• 55:26Dr. John Delony?

  Feels so good.

• 55:26Speaker 04

  Yeah, it does. Yeah. And I always say, remember when you couldn't wait to be an adult? Welcome. Here it is.

• 55:34Dr. John Delony?

  And here it is.

• 55:35Speaker 04

  And it sucks.

• 55:36Dr. John Delony?

  Except you can go to Taco Bell whenever you want.

• 55:41Speaker 04

  Which he's starting to flex that now. He's starting to realize that like we've ever told him he couldn't. Like last night, a friend of his picked him up at 10 o'clock and they went out. Uh, cause his friend just got a new car and they, they went out for like an hour and a half. And he was like, oh, I can do that now. And I'm like, he's like, do you mind? I was like, you're 19. Be home by midnight. That's all I ask. And he's like, oh, okay. So he's starting to realize like, realize those things.

• 56:03Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. You can tell a 19 year old, you don't want Taco Bell at 11 o'clock. But you just have to let the digestive system do the talking.

• 56:09Speaker 04

  Figure that out. And he's going on his first weekend trip this weekend.

• 56:12Dr. John Delony?

  Uh oh.

• 56:13Speaker 04

  Yeah, they're going to Gatlinburg for a car show. Cause that's my son's passion is cars. And so he and another guy, they've rented a, they've got their own hotel room.

• 56:21Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, yeah.

• 56:22Speaker 04

  And, um.

• 56:23Dr. John Delony?

  Do they still have the car girls, like the women in bikinis with like the things? Or is that like OG?

• 56:28Speaker 04

  I don't know. None of the car shows I've been to with him. It's just a lot of vroom, vroom, vroom. And you know, that stuff, but it's all like Ferraris and, and McLarens. This is like high end cars.

• 56:38Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, so it's not tight. It's, it's not mustaches. This is like tight jeans.

• 56:41Speaker 04

  No, this is like.

• 56:42Dr. John Delony?

  Smaller men.

• 56:42Speaker 04

  Yes, exactly. This is a lot of like really, really expensive sports cars. And so, but they're going just the two of them. They're staying for two nights. So, and I'm like, it's okay. It's okay. You can do it. He's 19, it's okay. A little nervous. It's gonna be at Gatlinburg. It's not like it's Vegas, so.

• 57:01Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, for a 19 year old, 19 year, I have made crummy hotels in Lamisa, Texas into Vegas. So you can figure it out.

• 57:08Speaker 04

  Okay. Shush.

• 57:10Dr. John Delony?

  I'm just saying. Gatlinburg, here they come. Love you guys. Stay out of trouble. Bye.