Pod Insights The Dr. John Delony Show How Do I Protect My Kids From My Mentally Unstable Ex-Wife? About this episode On today’s episode, we hear about:
· A man struggling with the guilt of keeping his kids away from their mother
· A husband hoping to pick up his hobbies again after his wife’s surgery
· A man trying to decide if he should call off his engagement
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Transcript Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:05 Speaker 00 My ex-wife was found wandering the highway during rush hour traffic in a state of confusion. She is currently unable to safely care for herself and requires 24-hour care. And that's where we are right now.
0:28 Dr. John Delony? What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.
0:34 Dr. John Delony? So glad that you're with us. Talking about your kids, your marriage, your dating relationships, what in the world are you supposed to do next? In a world that feels like it is falling apart. How do we keep singing? Even if it's just a couple of us huddled around a campfire? That's what we're doing here, man. Pull up a stool, pull up a seat, pull up a log, and we'll figure out what's the next right move. Whatever you've got going on. Go to JohnDeloney, D-E-L-O-N-Y, JohnDeloney.com/ask, A-S-K. And we'll get you on the show. Go out to Boston to a Harvard bar and talk to Tim. What's up, Tim?
1:11 Speaker 00 Hello. How are you doing?
1:12 Dr. John Delony? I'm doing good, man. What's up with you, brother?
1:15 Speaker 00 Um, I've been calling the show to ask you, how do I cope with the guilt of having to limit my children's access to their mother for their safety? And what can I do to support them emotionally through this difficult time?
1:33 Dr. John Delony? Hmm. What happened, man?
1:36 Speaker 00 Um, my, um, my ex-wife was found wandering the highway during rush hour traffic in a state of confusion about a month ago. And, um, she's been in hospitals and treatment facilities since then. And my current understanding of the situation is she is currently unable to safely care for herself and requires 24-hour care. And, um, that's where we are right now.
2:11 Dr. John Delony? So you asked how to cope with the guilt. Tell me, tell me what you're feeling, man.
2:15 Speaker 00 Um, like, I don't know, like, I lost my father, I guess, um, a couple of years ago. And it feels to me that, like, the kids have lost, like, the mother they knew.
2:30 Dr. John Delony? Right.
2:30 Speaker 00 Um, and, like, she's not, she, she is just a shell of herself right now.
2:40 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
2:40 Speaker 00 And how do I help the kids go through that? Or if I, maybe I'm just feeling, um, that way. Because of how I lost my father. It's like, she's, she's gone, but she's not.
2:53 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
2:54 Speaker 00 Um.
2:54 Dr. John Delony? And, and, and never want to minimize somebody who loses a loved one, like, to someone who dies, right? Obviously, that's catastrophic. Um, sitting with people over the last two decades, I, I almost sense a, the loss is different, but in a strange way, it's more, I'll say painful, but there's a different kind, it's a different depth to the hurt because they're still there, but they're not.
3:21 Speaker 00 Yeah.
3:22 Dr. John Delony? Right? And so you're trying to grieve somebody that's still walking around or still breathing, if you will. And there's not a period at the end of the sentence. It's like a dot, dot, dot, right? It's ellipsis and it's, it's really tough. So are your kids asking questions?
3:36 Speaker 00 Um, they're kind of sticking their head in the sand and, you know, they haven't, I, I've tried to ask them if they want to talk about it. Um, most of the time is no. Um.
3:51 Dr. John Delony? How old are they?
3:53 Speaker 00 One is thirteen and one sixteen.
3:56 Dr. John Delony? Okay. Yeah, they're, they're old enough that I would recommend not asking them.
4:02 Speaker 00 Okay.
4:02 Dr. John Delony? Um, because they're gonna also move, like, let me, let me back up. When did y'all get divorced?
4:10 Speaker 00 Uh, about six years ago.
4:11 Dr. John Delony? Okay. Have they been visiting her? Was this psychiatric, was this, not psychiatric, this psychotic break? Was it pretty acute? Or has she been struggling with mental health challenges forever?
4:22 Speaker 00 Uh, she's been struggling with mental health challenges since my son was born, thirteen years ago. Um, so.
4:32 Speaker 00 I would say probably she's been more or less stable for like the last seven years.
4:41 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
4:42 Speaker 00 Um.
4:42 Dr. John Delony? Let's, let's back all the way up. Y'all got divorced six years ago, which would have put one kid at seven, would have put one kid at 10.
4:52 Speaker 00 Yes.
4:52 Dr. John Delony? Before that, there would have been two or three years or four years of escalating tension in your house. Fair?
5:01 Speaker 00 Yes, very fair.
5:02 Dr. John Delony? Okay, so my guess is your kids developed some sort of safety mechanisms, ways to keep themselves safe and possibly even ways to keep you safe. And that's heartbreaking, but that's what kids do. And I'm wondering if this many years later, they know there's just some things that is just not good to talk about with that. And that's not an indictment of you, that's just an is. And so when you say, hey, do you guys want to talk about something? They may say, those feelings are too big and we can't hold them. We're just, we're
5:46 Dr. John Delony? still, we're teenagers, but we're still kids. And we don't want to do that to you, Dad. Or we saw how hard it was when, when you lost your debt. Like, we just want, let's just keep the water calm. And so often, a great gift a parent can give their kids is to let the kids see how hard this is for you. Give them permission, not verbally, but experientially, that Dad's heart is broken too. That I'm sad, that I'm going through another grief just after my dad died. And that goes counter to everything we're taught
6:27 Dr. John Delony? as men, which is the greatest gift we could give our kids is like, just be a pillar of concrete, just be strong. And what ends up happening is the kids feel crazy because they miss their mom, or they miss marriage, or they miss the fantasy that one day, even though it's been six years, Mom and Dad will get back together.
6:47 Dr. John Delony? And so, there may be a moment where you say, "Hey, kids, I need you all to come sit around the table." And maybe you'll never sit around the table in your house, that's cool. But you sit them around the table and you say, "I've really been struggling with your mom being so sick. And I'm sad, and I just want to say it out loud that I'm really sad." And give them a picture of what it looks like to say things like that out loud. Maybe it's, "Hey, I want you guys to write a letter to your mom, and she may not be able to read it right now, but I want you all to read it out loud. That's your homework assignment. And after you do that, I'll take us out for ice cream. But I want you all
7:28 Dr. John Delony? to write a letter to mom, whether you miss her, whether you're mad, whether you're sad, whether you're frustrated, and give them a homework assignment that they have to do a thing in front of you." And they'll go, "Dad, so dumb." And one kid may write one sentence, and one may write, "Everything's so wonderful. Hope you're doing good." And it may be totally divorced from what you're experiencing, but what you're doing is you're just giving them a glimpse that, "I'm your dad and I can hold it with you."
8:03 Speaker 00 That makes sense, yeah.
8:04 Dr. John Delony? How does that sound? Does it scare you? Does it frustrate you? Are you like, "That's just stupid"? Talk to me.
8:09 Speaker 00 Um, I mean, I guess it's just, I guess it's scary.
8:14 Dr. John Delony? Tell me more about that.
8:16 Speaker 00 Um, I'm really good at making sure-
8:22 Dr. John Delony? Hey, real quick, Tim, your phone's breaking up real bad.
8:24 Speaker 00 Alright.
8:25 Dr. John Delony? There we go. There it is. Now you're back.
8:26 Speaker 00 Um, I guess I'm really good at making sure my kids get the things they need. And, um, so like, you know, if they need something for school, they need to get somewhere, I am really good at that. I'm not so good at, like, talking about, like, how they're feeling and stuff.
8:48 Dr. John Delony? Okay, so talk about how you're feeling.
8:50 Speaker 00 Okay.
8:52 Dr. John Delony? And, I love, dude, I love that your heart is, you want to give them what they need. And I guess what I would tell you now is what they need, not more than anything, because they need food and shelter and oxygen, right? They need that stuff. A great gift to them would be you saying, "I have all of these bananas, crazy madhouse feelings in my chest, and I don't even know how to say them out loud." And they may get really tense and look at you like with laser beam eyes, but dude, you are, you are giving them permission, a permission they don't even know they need. Because I'll just, I'll tell you on the back end, like I worked with 18 to 25 year olds
9:37 Dr. John Delony? for 20 plus years, okay? Their house blew up, their mom is very, very sick, their mom is alive and had a psychiatric break, so there's a human being that is their mother that is not their mother anymore. They have a dad who loves them, but has also been through hell after the divorce and before the divorce. Like, they're, they have that stuff piled up inside of them, it will come out. Period. End of story. I promise you. Or they'll come up with some very sophisticated ways to keep it from coming out, like drinking, like alcohol, like trying to get a gold star and a gold star and a gold star. Or trying to just disappear and run from it.
10:22 Dr. John Delony? But it will come out. And so you, while they're still in your home, you giving them a picture of, "Here's your big tough dad." Like dude, they know you love them. They know that. But you giving them a picture, "Guys, I don't even know what to say right now." I don't have the words to say that I'm just sad again. I'm heartbroken again. Man dude, I'm talking, I mean, that's like, that's like change your family tree kind of stuff. And it's not a one shot. It's a, it's an overtime conversation. And maybe you say, "I'll write a letter too, and we're all gonna read them to each other." "Dad, come on, man, I wanna go..." I know, but we're doing this, we're doing this thing.
11:07 Speaker 00 Yeah, I can do that.
11:10 Dr. John Delony? And maybe you tell them, "I'm gonna give this letter, um, we're gonna keep these letters in a box, and one day, um, if mom gets well, when mom gets well, um, if mom gets well, um, we'll be able to give them to her, and she'll be able to get a glimpse into what life was like while, while she was getting better."
11:31 Speaker 00 Yeah, I can do that.
11:35 Dr. John Delony? And maybe hearing them say, hearing you say, "She's not my wife anymore, but she gave me the two greatest things in the whole wide world, you two. I still want the best for her. I still want her to be okay, and I'm sad too."
11:53 Dr. John Delony? And here, here's the thing, you don't get this thing right, you won't say all the right things, you won't express all the right things, and that in and of itself is the most important lesson. That it's not how you do this, it's that you do this.
12:14 Dr. John Delony? You're getting real quiet on me, what are you thinking?
12:16 Speaker 00 I feel that they're hurting, and I'm, I feel helpless, I guess.
12:20 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
12:22 Speaker 00 Yeah.
12:23 Dr. John Delony? Then, then, let's, let's don't ask them to, let's just be the dad and run straight into their hurt, because if they were, if they were bleeding, you'd run straight into that. If there's a broken arm, you'd run straight into that. If somebody in the yard was trying to hurt your kid, you'd run straight into that. Their hurt is just inside their chest. Run straight into it. And even if you run in saying, "I don't know what to do", they'll have the permission to finally drop their shoulders. And, "I think you're on to something. I think you're reliving this with your dad, and maybe you write a letter to your dad, and read that to your boys. Dear Dad, I miss you. Dear Dad, you left
13:04 Dr. John Delony? too early. I'm both mad at you, and I miss you, and I need you right now." And give them a picture of what that looks like. But we're just teaching them that it's okay to be a man that provides, that takes care of, and that also...
13:23 Dr. John Delony? Has feelings too. We're gonna feel these things, then we're gonna go do the next right thing. And maybe the next right thing is let's go get ice cream. Maybe the next right thing is we're gonna all go fishing. I don't know what y'all do together. Get some Red Sox tickets and boo Alex Bredman, Bredman while you're there, because he left the Astros. I don't know what you do, but I think you head directly into it. Thanks for the call, my brother. We come back, a man wonders how to focus on his own happiness while supporting his wife's recovery.
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15:18 Dr. John Delony? All right, Kansas City, Kansas. Let's talk to Big D. What's up, David?
15:24 Speaker 02 How's it going, Dr. John?
15:25 Dr. John Delony? Doing all right, brother. What's up in your world, man?
15:28 Speaker 02 Um, well, so I, uh, I kind of want to clarify my, my question for you.
15:37 Dr. John Delony? I don't even know what it is, so let it rip. The team has it.
15:41 Speaker 02 Sure, so, so. How do I start protecting the space that I need for my hobbies and interests without sacrificing my intentionality and my quality time with my wife, who is my newlywed, um, who just underwent brain surgery?
16:02 Dr. John Delony? That's a lot, dude.
16:04 Speaker 02 That's kind of, that's kind of the short of it.
16:06 Dr. John Delony? I don't smoke, but I kind of want to have a cigarette with you right now.
16:10 Dr. John Delony? That's a lot going on. What happened?
16:12 Speaker 02 I don't, I don't smoke. I don't smoke either, but I've been considering starting.
16:16 Dr. John Delony? Well, like what happened?
16:18 Speaker 02 Well, um, so I'm, I met my wife in December of twenty twenty-three and about eight months into our relationship, we found out that she had a brain tumor, which was kind of like a crazy situation for us to be in. Because I was like, whoa, you know, like you're my girlfriend. But that's kind of a lot and, you know, I'm gonna need to like walk through this with you. And just that situation ended up being the catalyst of our relationship really taking off. So we ended up getting married about fourteen months into our relationship.
16:58 Dr. John Delony? Before, before surgery or after?
17:00 Speaker 02 Before, two months before. And so she just had her surgery at the beginning of April. And everything went really, really well. And so now we're kind of in this situation now where it's like, okay, well, we have the whole rest of our lives to, you know, like focus on marital wise. Because it was kind of like everything built up to this surgery that we had been expecting to happen for so long. And then it happened and she got, she got better and was like nearly fully recovered really, really, really quickly. Um, which was just like amazing and a miracle, but, um,
17:46 Speaker 02 like.
17:48 Speaker 02 I guess in the process of that, our quality time together became everything. And every hobby and every interest that I had during the early months of our relationship and in the months leading up to her surgery and now for about the last month post-surgery, I've just realized like, I don't really do the things that I used to enjoy doing anymore.
18:19 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, I mean, like, look, dude, you keep up for air.
18:23 Speaker 02 Yeah.
18:23 Dr. John Delony? You've been, you've been trying to keep somebody alive.
18:27 Speaker 02 Mm-hmm.
18:28 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, like, are you, are you, is she mad at you or are you feeling weird? Like, I?
18:33 Speaker 02 No, it, it's more that I'm feeling weird. In fact, she like, is kind of, she kind of urges me to make sure that like, I kind of stop neglecting my desire to do the things that, you know, like, made me me.
18:50 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
18:50 Speaker 02 Before our relationship. And when we have those conversations, I'm like, yeah, you're, you're right. I, I do still want to do those things. But it's almost like when she urges me to do that, it makes me want to do it less because it's like, oh, well, you, you care about me so much and I love you and like, I just want to like, you know, keep spending as much time with you as possible. And she enjoys that. It's not like I'm smothering her with, you know, our quality time. But it's just like, I feel like if I don't create a rhythm in our relationship where it's like, okay, well, you know, it's Saturday morning,
19:30 Speaker 02 which means I go play nine holes of golf. Um, you know, if I, if I don't start creating like a culture where that's normal for me, that it could lead to like me looking back on these prime years of my life with regret. Like, oh, I didn't do enough of this that I really enjoyed doing, or I haven't, you know, gone hiking or golfing or gotten together with my buddies and jammed for, you know, 20 years. And now look, I'm in my 50s and
20:03 Dr. John Delony? How old are you?
20:03 Speaker 02 Can't really do any. Twenty-nine.
20:05 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
20:07 Dr. John Delony? I did not start having what I would consider like atomic fun until I was in my 40s.
20:19 Speaker 02 Okay.
20:20 Dr. John Delony? And I know that sounds bananas, but I spent most of my 20s, like I'd watch the fights with my buddies and we all got together every Monday night, but most of the time I was at work and in grad school.
20:31 Speaker 02 Sure.
20:32 Dr. John Delony? All the time, all the time, all the time. And that laid a foundation that I didn't even know I was laying for the life I live right now. And with AI coming, with what I think is going to be some workforce shocks coming, I am now consciously trying to think through and build a new foundation for what living in my 50s and 60s and 70s will look like.
20:54 Speaker 02 Okay.
20:55 Dr. John Delony? And so what I would tell you is you are putting way, way too much pressure on this, on this moment right now.
21:02 Speaker 02 Okay.
21:03 Dr. John Delony? Um, I don't know if this, if this story will ring true with you, but my buddy John, one of my best buddies in the world, he had his first daughter, Elise, and we got together every night, I mean, every Monday night for years. And then Elise came along and then literally overnight he quit hanging out with us.
21:25 Speaker 02 Yeah.
21:25 Dr. John Delony? And his wife Jennifer is one of my, I would consider one of my closest friends in the world. She, like me and a couple of other buddies were like, man, she's kind of the worst. Like she had a kid and he can't even hang out one night, right? And that went on one year, went on two years. And then a couple of years later, I had my first kid. And the last thing I wanted to do was go hang out with a bunch of idiots on Monday night. I wanted to sit on my couch and hold that kid. And I remember John and I were having a drink one night and I was like, hey, why didn't you tell me that you weren't not hanging out with us? Your wife was awesome the whole time. And why didn't you tell us that like you didn't want to hang out with us? You want to sit on the couch and just hold this lump of a human?
22:06 Dr. John Delony? And he smiled, I'll never forget this, he smiled real big and said, you wouldn't have understood until you held your own yourself.
22:14 Dr. John Delony? And so what I think you're experiencing is you love somebody and y'all got to dangle over the edge.
22:24 Dr. John Delony? Like, things got into focus for you that most people don't get into focus until their 50s or 60s or 70s, or until they lose a parent, or until, you know, a kid gets real sick or something. You all got to do that while you're dating, while you're engaged, and at the very beginning of your marriage. And so, really quickly, you got like a filter for crap that matters and crap that doesn't.
22:46 Speaker 02 Yeah.
22:47 Dr. John Delony? And, you got a unexpected reordering of what you actually quote-unquote "like to do." It's like telling somebody in your 20s, "Hey, if you get married right now as a 25-year-old, the best sex you will have is in your 40s, in your 50s." And they're like, "Gross, no." And, you're just like, "All right, just when you get there, just holler back at me." And similarly, like, telling your 25-year-old self, "You're gonna wanna sit on the couch and just watch old Brooklyn Nine-Nine reruns with this girl that you just married?" More than you wanna play golf. And you're gonna be like, "Okay, whatever, dude." And then here it is. Does that make sense?
23:32 Speaker 02 Yeah, no, it makes, it makes perfect sense.
23:36 Dr. John Delony? So, give yourself permission just to smile. You know what I'm doing tomorrow?
23:40 Speaker 02 What's that?
23:42 Dr. John Delony? I have no idea. I don't know. I may go fishing, I may go mow real quick, cuz I'm gonna be on the road again next week. I may hang out with my wife, I may just, my daughter's into this thing she calls Yard Fight, which sounds like a YouTube channel, but she's like, "Dad, Yard Fight, now." And we turn the sprinklers on, and we get out in the front yard, and we wrestle. And I'm sure people are recording that on their phones, like, whatever. Like, I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow, because I'm gonna see what's the best way I can love my wife tomorrow, and what's the funnest opportunities we got, and what's something I may wanna do, and we'll figure that out this evening.
24:14 Speaker 02 Yeah. That sounds, that sounds beautiful.
24:18 Dr. John Delony? And my buddy Ben right here, he's running the board. We're, we're in a band together, and we're gonna start jamming in a few weeks.
24:25 Speaker 02 Okay.
24:26 Dr. John Delony? Right? And I still love playing music, I still have way too many guitars for a guy that doesn't play as many shows as I would like to, and, a couple times a year, we get together and we rock out, and it's so fun.
24:37 Speaker 02 Yeah.
24:40 Dr. John Delony? So I'm interested in the pressure you're putting on yourself. What do you like? You've almost taken yourself to 55 and looked back.
24:49 Speaker 02 Yeah. Yeah, I have, um, well.
24:53 Dr. John Delony? Who's telling you that they missed a big part of their life or the quote unquote best years of my life?
24:58 Speaker 02 It's, well, nobody is telling me that. I, I think that, um, like what, okay, so everything you just said resonates a lot with me and like the, the story that you told about your friend is very relevant to my life. I, I got married and there are friends that I had the day before I got married that like I, you know, got married one day and like have hardly kind of almost spoken to anybody. And, you know, I can definitely probably tell that on their end, they think like, oh, you know, like,
25:40 Speaker 02 um, he used to be, you know, like in regular communication with us and would hang out all the time and do this and do that. And we don't know if we're ever gonna see him again.
25:51 Dr. John Delony? And by the way, you will, you will.
25:53 Speaker 02 I, I know I will, but like at the same time, I like almost like in a weird way, like don't care.
25:59 Dr. John Delony? Uh, yes, yes. And y'all will get, somebody will say, hey, I miss everybody. Let's all get together. The other night I did an event in Fort Worth and a lot of my buddies drove up from that. One of, one of my buddies, Christian, I haven't seen him in 20 years. And dude, we all got it. We were in my hotel room and we all sat around and we all took food and stuff up from the bar downstairs and we laughed until one in the morning. Everybody brought their wives up. It's different. We told old stories. I mean, it was like we just fell right into place.
26:29 Speaker 02 Yeah.
26:30 Dr. John Delony? And so it was awesome, but it's, but it is different. And if we hung out every week, they would be sick of me in about a month. I would be like, all right, guys, I gotta go home. I, it just, I just, it's, you're experiencing the natural change of life.
26:43 Speaker 02 Sure.
26:44 Dr. John Delony? And here's the deal. Some of my closest, like I hung out with them every day, all the time. And then I got married and then we hung out last, then we hung out last. And I still love them. I still text them every once in a while. We call each other. We see each other once every few years. It's awesome. I love having them in my life, but my, my relationships have changed. And it's cool to just be kind of bummed out about that.
27:04 Speaker 02 Yeah.
27:05 Dr. John Delony? Seasons, man.
27:06 Speaker 02 Yeah, for sure.
27:07 Dr. John Delony? I'm just proud of you like as just a like just guy to guy. Like that's a that's a Herculean task to walk with your fiance, girlfriend, fiance, and then wife through brain surgery, man. And say, however, this comes out, I'm gonna be right here. We don't have that picture of love much. We have a picture of it doesn't feel good. And you're like, no, no, I'm gonna be right here. That's amazing, man.
27:32 Speaker 02 Yeah, thank you.
27:33 Dr. John Delony? Oh, I I am interested in, this is just a question for you guys to explore later on, okay? I am interested in.
27:47 Dr. John Delony? And I say this all loving with a smile on my face. Maybe your wife would like some alone time. And she doesn't, she don't want to hurt your feelings. And so she's like, hey, why don't you go play with your friends? Why don't you go play golf? And so maybe asking the question. And this is like, okay, now we have, we already, y'all, y'all already have marriage 2.0 because you got married and then you went to brain surgery. And then she came out and then she's well. And now y'all are looking at like, oh, dude, we made it like we're in this ride or die. Y'all are already in marriage 2.0. Maybe taking her out and saying, all right, we're in marriage 2.0. We get to do whatever we want to do with this marriage. Um, question number one.
28:31 Dr. John Delony? How can I best love you when it comes to free time? I've been, I've been all over everything and give her permission to say, like, man, Saturday mornings, I just like waking up with coffee and I like it quiet, listening to my old tunes. I would love just to have three or four hours. I love you. I love you. I love you. And maybe she doesn't have permission in her own heart and mind to say, I love you and I want some, some private time. And you may go, oh, boo, I'd rather hang out with you. And you might have to call the guys back and be like, you guys want to go fishing? Because it's your second alternative, but it's just rebuilding this. How do we tell each other what we want in this particular season that we're in? I think it's amazing, but dude, I think you're in the right place at the right time.
29:10 Dr. John Delony? Don't already get to 55 and look back and try to reverse engineer how you're gonna feel when you're 50. That's tough. Just do the next right thing. And for you, right now, the next right thing is, I just like hanging out with you, so I'm gonna do that. The next right thing might be, I'm gonna go fishing with the guys, and you know what? You're probably gonna have fun with them, too. It's awesome. Just be where your feet are right now. Good call, my brother. We come back, a man wonders if he should end his engagement over being her second choice.
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31:06 Dr. John Delony? All right, Los Angeles, California. Let's talk to Tony, Tony, Tony. What's up, Tony? Hey, dog. How's it going? Good, man. How about you? Ah, living the dream.
31:17 Dr. John Delony? Well, sort of. Anytime somebody says that, it's like, everything's falling apart. What's up, man? I mean, not much. I was just giving you a call, you know, I've been, I've been tuning into your show for quite a bit now, and I really like the advice you give. Appreciate it, man. And I've listened to a lot of your videos, looking for, you know, just a lot of-
31:36 Speaker 03 Things that have helped me in my life that I've implemented and have been great from uh from your advice. And you know, recently, about a year ago, almost a year now, I decided to propose to my fiance.
31:49 Speaker 03 Yeah, and um I've known her since high school. We went to high school together about ten years back or so. Um, and I've I've managed to been my crush since then, since the day that I met her. I constantly tell her, you know, I try to hit on her since all four years, basically. Um, and even after, it never really quite panned out. Um, and then out of nowhere, last year, we just, I just, out of the blue, decided to text on Instagram. And um, we just connected, we clicked, and things just went great. Um, I was living in Kentucky at the time, and um, I decided to move back to California, both for family reasons and to be closer to her.
32:33 Speaker 03 And that's when I, you know, popped a question in February of this year, um, oh, sorry, September of last of last year. And then finally got her family's permission this February. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is, this whole time that we've known each other, I've always wanted something with her. But I've never, you know, it it felt like I was just never the right guy for her up until now. And I'm having a really tough time feeling like she's, you know, like I'm her second or third choice, really. Um, we've had the conversation of our past relationships, um, of what we want of this relationship and and and all of that stuff. And a lot of that's prompted by conversations that you've had with other callers.
33:18 Speaker 03 But I've also heard you say that if you can't get over, you know, those pictures of her being with somebody else in your mind, you have to let it go. When can I make the choice of I can't get over this, or if I, or or how how can I figure out if I can't even go over that?
33:34 Dr. John Delony? I mean, you can, the choice is do you want to?
33:38 Dr. John Delony? Anybody can, anybody can.
33:40 Speaker 03 Right.
33:41 Dr. John Delony? It's you just have to decide, do I want this? And I I think there's an important reframe here. You say like I wasn't the guy for her. You're looking at all of this from like a one down position. I instantly, when you're telling me the story, the note I just wrote down was, no, no, no, no, she wasn't the right girl for you yet.
34:01 Dr. John Delony? She had to go explore and figure out who she was, what she thought that she wanted, maybe what her mom was always telling her what she needed. And then she had to go like, "All right, Mom," and or her friends or her community or her abuela, who knows? But she went through these adventures. She went through these dark nights of the soul, and she came out there to the side and she she picked you.
34:27 Dr. John Delony? And so she wasn't ready.
34:32 Speaker 03 Oh, geez, I never thought it.
34:34 Dr. John Delony? And by the way, you weren't ready either.
34:39 Speaker 03 A hundred percent. Yeah, no, she even told me the reason why she never actually gave me a chance. I was not only talking to her at the time, and you know, it's true.
34:50 Dr. John Delony? Yeah. And so here's the deal.
34:54 Dr. John Delony? You probably heard me say this a lot. Bro, you're not confident in you. Where does that come from, man?
35:02 Speaker 03 Oh, dude.
35:03 Dr. John Delony? This is crazy. I think this has nothing to do with her. I think it has everything to do with you.
35:08 Speaker 03 No, a hundred percent. I was in therapy for a bit.
35:12 Speaker 03 I had to get out because of financial situations. The whole move back took a lot of, you know, financial strain on me. So I'm working to get back to get back on therapy.
35:21 Dr. John Delony? No, you're already circling it around. You're already circling it around. Come straight through it with me.
35:30 Speaker 03 We, so far, we've been we've been landing on that.
35:32 Dr. John Delony? No, no, no, not we. Why don't you like Tony?
35:40 Speaker 03 Sounds a little bit silly when I say it out loud, but.
35:42 Dr. John Delony? Say it, man. I'm not judging nothing.
35:45 Speaker 03 Well, you know, my dad left when I was a kid.
35:47 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
35:47 Speaker 03 And ever since then, I've been looking for someone. Well, I've never felt like I was good enough for anybody to like Tony.
35:53 Dr. John Delony? Of course. You know why? Why? Why?
35:56 Speaker 03 Because the man that made me didn't love me enough.
35:58 Dr. John Delony? Damn right. And can I say something else? That's on him, not you.
36:06 Dr. John Delony? Your old man left because something was going on with him, not you.
36:15 Speaker 03 Yeah.
36:15 Dr. John Delony? No, no, no, no, no. You didn't hear it. Your dad left because something was going on inside of him, not because of you. And here's what I'm telling you right now.
36:29 Dr. John Delony? I don't like going to work some days because I want to hang out with my 15 year old son. And I'm not ashamed or embarrassed about that. I like the young man he's becoming. I like him. I don't like to go to work some days because I like wrestling with my nine year old little girl and listening to whatever crazy stories she's coming up with. And I'm not special. I'm just a dad who loves his kids.
36:55 Dr. John Delony? But your old man bounced because of him, not you.
37:02 Speaker 03 Yeah, um, I, I guess I just never thought this could have anything to do with my relationship. You know, I mean.
37:08 Dr. John Delony? Yes, because here's why. Here's the problem, Tony. You got it.
37:14 Dr. John Delony? You got the thing you have been fantasizing over for a decade. And what you're realizing is it didn't fill that hole in the center of your chest.
37:27 Dr. John Delony? Because you're still a little nine year old little boy asking, Dad, what is so bad about me that you left?
37:36 Speaker 03 Oh, jeez, does that apply to everything else? Does that, I'm unhappy with my job?
37:41 Dr. John Delony? Okay, I didn't hear what you said. What?
37:43 Speaker 03 I said, does that apply to everything else?
37:45 Dr. John Delony? Of course. That's why you move jobs. That's why you move across the country. And the moment you moved back to California, you already had your eyes on something else, right?
37:51 Speaker 03 Yep, I'm always looking for the next thing, the next.
37:54 Dr. John Delony? Because you're trying to get something from out there to fill up what's in here. And at some point, you're gonna have to sit down
38:04 Dr. John Delony? and sit down and like, like crisscross applesauce and face that nine year old little you, the four year old little you. And you could do this in your mind. I've had grown men sit on the floor so they can get the eye line that they had when they were six when their dad left. I've had grown men sit on the floor and write a letter to talk out loud, but you're gonna have to address that six year old little boy and let that homie go play. Because he's still sitting in the driveway saying, Daddy, come back. I'll do better next time.
38:44 Dr. John Delony? Exhale real quick. When did your dad leave?
38:48 Speaker 03 When I was four.
38:49 Dr. John Delony? Okay. Close your eyes right now where you're sitting.
38:56 Dr. John Delony? Picture you at four. Were you a chubby little kid? Were you a skinny little kid? What were you at four?
39:01 Speaker 03 I was this scrawny little kid.
39:02 Dr. John Delony? Alright, scrawny little kid. Picture him at the very edge of the driveway of your childhood house.
39:09 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
39:11 Dr. John Delony? What kind of car did old man drive?
39:13 Speaker 03 Uh, uh, old white Lexus ES.
39:18 Dr. John Delony? Okay. Picture the brake lights coming on that car at the end of the street as he's turning right off that block.
39:29 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
39:30 Dr. John Delony? And picture yourself yelling while you're holding a little teddy bear or a baseball mitt.
39:38 Dr. John Delony? "Dad, where are you going?"
39:46 Dr. John Delony? And then, from the front porch, I want you to see that little boy, and I want you to see his shoulders drop, and I want you to see his head drop.
39:59 Speaker 03 Man, that hurts.
40:00 Dr. John Delony? I know. But that's where the pain is, brother.
40:07 Speaker 03 How do I even begin to address that?
40:10 Dr. John Delony? You write that little boy a letter tonight, not on a, on an app, and not on a text message, but you write, get out a piece of paper and write him a letter.
40:20 Dr. John Delony? Dads don't leave boys. And dad was sick, dad was troubled, dad had his own demons. Because that's the only reason dads leave their boys.
40:34 Dr. John Delony? And then you tell that little Tony, "I love you." And how old are you now, brother?
40:38 Speaker 03 Twenty-six.
40:39 Dr. John Delony? You tell him 22 years from now, "You're not gonna believe this, but we're gonna be stronger." "We're gonna have found an amazing woman that's gonna spend the rest of her life with us."
40:50 Dr. John Delony? "We moved back to California, because we just didn't like keeping all of our paycheck. We wanted to give some more to the government, so we moved back to California."
40:57 Speaker 03 Yeah.
40:58 Dr. John Delony? "We didn't like paying half for our home in Kentucky, so we decided to double our house." "But whatever."
41:03 Speaker 03 Oh, geez.
41:04 Dr. John Delony? Here's the thing, you're gonna let that four-year-old little boy, whose heart is just exploded in his chest, you're gonna let him know, "You don't see it yet,
41:14 Dr. John Delony? four-year-old Tony?
41:16 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
41:16 Dr. John Delony? "But I grow up bigger and stronger, and I'm okay." "We made it. We did okay."
41:24 Speaker 03 Yeah, we did.
41:26 Dr. John Delony? We did. And we got a long way to go, right?
41:29 Speaker 03 Yeah.
41:29 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
41:30 Speaker 03 So, we got a long way to go.
41:31 Dr. John Delony? This woman that you're gonna marry is not gonna heal you. She didn't sign up for that, but she did sign up to walk with you.
41:39 Speaker 03 Ah, yeah. Yeah, she's a saint.
41:42 Dr. John Delony? Your job, your job's not gonna heal you. But your job will provide
41:50 Dr. John Delony? money for you to build the life you wanna build. And hopefully, it's a life that has peace in it, and has joy in it, and has few, as few demons as possible in it, so that when you have a little boy, you know, "I'm never gonna leave that boy."
42:07 Speaker 03 Yeah.
42:07 Dr. John Delony? Right?
42:08 Speaker 03 Yeah, 100%.
42:11 Dr. John Delony? But when you get itchy, and what I mean by that, you know what I mean by that. People who don't, are always looking over the, over the line, don't understand that line, but you know what I mean when you get itchy.
42:21 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah.
42:22 Dr. John Delony? When you start wanting to apply for a job, when you start wanting to like, look at another house, and you start like, scrolling Instagram to be like, "I think I wanna get a zero-down rental property, cuz I wanna be a, just..." Right, right?
42:35 Speaker 03 Yeah.
42:35 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
42:37 Speaker 03 I flip cars.
42:38 Dr. John Delony? Of course you do.
42:39 Speaker 03 Yeah.
42:40 Dr. John Delony? Of course you do.
42:40 Speaker 03 I'm looking for the next car now.
42:41 Dr. John Delony? Of course you are. You're probably scrolling on it right now while you're talking to me.
42:44 Speaker 03 The Facebook market.
42:46 Dr. John Delony? Listen.
42:48 Dr. John Delony? All of that is a drug.
42:51 Dr. John Delony? Trying to make that little boy feel better. Maybe if I make this much money. Maybe if I get this girl. Maybe if I get a house that looks like this. Then at some point my dad will-
43:04 Speaker 03 Maybe if I get this title.
43:05 Dr. John Delony? That's right. Then my dad will call. He's never gonna call, brother.
43:11 Speaker 03 Yeah.
43:12 Dr. John Delony? He won't call. That call, "I'm proud of you." That call, "Dude, I failed you." That call's never gonna come. And that should break your heart. It should break the heart of every young man, every old man, every boy, every man I know is desperate for his old man to call him. Not text him, call him and say, "Hey, I don't tell you this enough. I'm so proud of you." Call's not gonna come.
43:38 Dr. John Delony? And so masculinity in the 21st century is a bunch of men desperate for their old man's, like, approval that aren't gonna, it's not gonna come. And then what do we have to do? We have to go do the next right thing and begin to say, "Okay, where do I find value and worth?" And it comes from the inside out. "I'm a good man because I do the next right thing." When a picture of your future wife, your fiancee pops in your head of her with some other guy you went to high school with, you have a choice in that moment. Am I gonna meditate on this? Am I just gonna focus on it? Am I gonna be that little boy at the front of the driveway just thinking about it? Nope. Nope. I'm gonna have a picture in my mind all ready to go. And when that picture zaps in my mind of her holding hands with somebody, I'm gonna go, "Nope."
44:23 Dr. John Delony? And I'm gonna think of that picture. I might even carry one in my back pocket just to pull it out. Of you and her laughing, smiling. She made you sit through one of those stupid photo-like things y'all have to do? Put one of those in your back pocket. Put that one on your phone. So you pulled, yeah, I'm gonna focus on this. And here's what my promise to you is, brother. If you will do that, if you will set a dedicated time from 4:30 to 5:30 PM every day, that's when I look at cars.
44:53 Dr. John Delony? And I'm gonna feel itchy and awkward all the other 23 hours because I'm gonna choose to get off this drug and the drug is something out there will make me feel better in here. Here's my promise to you, over time, your default setting will begin to shift. That itch will go away and then you'll have to stand in the awkwardness of, I don't know how to be a husband because the guy that was supposed to model that for me bailed. So new wife, I'm gonna screw this up and I need you to continue to come back to the table to me and remind me that you love me and then I'm gonna say I'm sorry, I'm gonna go do the next right thing.
45:31 Speaker 03 That's powerful.
45:32 Dr. John Delony? You get what I'm saying? And I know no therapist told you this, I'm sorry that they just want to sit here and listen and tell you all the old stories. There is a path out of this, brother.
45:41 Dr. John Delony? And it is not fun. Because you're gonna feel itchy a lot, especially for the first six months.
45:49 Dr. John Delony? Right when you're about to apply for a new job, just don't.
45:54 Dr. John Delony? Just don't.
45:59 Dr. John Delony? Ask yourself, what would make me the best damn employee at this place where I work right now?
46:05 Dr. John Delony? Go do that for six months, it will change you from the inside out.
46:11 Speaker 03 Roger that.
46:13 Dr. John Delony? Fair?
46:14 Speaker 03 That's fair.
46:16 Dr. John Delony? And it's not like I don't have any experience with this.
46:21 Speaker 03 No, no, I mean, yeah, my therapist was great, but you know, it was just a lot of listening and I did want, you know, I did want a good talking to, I do appreciate it, doctor.
46:31 Dr. John Delony? I haven't been as proud of a young man as I am of you right now.
46:35 Speaker 03 Thank you, doc.
46:36 Dr. John Delony? Thanks for the call, my brother. I'm grateful for you. Hey, hang on the line, I'm gonna hook you up with some wedding gifts, okay? I'm gonna hook you up with both of my books, I'm gonna hook you up with Financial Peace University, so you and your wife can start and get your money right as you get out of the gate, because that's, most couples just fall apart because of money issues. I want you all to get on the same page with your money and I'm gonna send you every dollar, the premium version, for free for a year, okay? That way you all have the same app and y'all could do your money together and we'll get that squared away. It's gonna force y'all to have conversations about who we want to be together, it's gonna help you out. Cool?
47:10 Speaker 03 Cool, cool, man, thank you, thank you so much.
47:12 Dr. John Delony? All right, man, thanks, Tony. Appreciate you, brother, appreciate you.
47:17 Dr. John Delony? This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey, while the world seems like it's falling apart, we're all under pressure to perform and look like we're keeping it all together. We all know that support is good, but many of us don't think we're allowed to ask for it. Women are often told that they have to be everything to everyone all of the time, and somehow they intuitively have to know how to do it all, while men are often told that they are the reason for every bad thing in the world, and that asking for help means they are weak or less than. Listen to this. 76% of people across the globe believe that mental health care can help resolve personal problems, yet 6 out of 10 still believe that society discourages people from asking for help. Real strength comes from opening up about what you're carrying
48:00 Dr. John Delony? and doing something about it so you can be your best self for you and for everyone else in your life. If you're feeling the weight of the world, talk to someone, anyone, a friend, a loved one, or yes, a therapist. I talk with a therapist often, and you might consider doing it too. And if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. To get started, you just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time easily and for no extra cost. Talk it out with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com/deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash deloney. All right, we're back.
48:45 Dr. John Delony? We have a money and marriage question about sex. All right. Here's a money and marriage question. By the way, money and marriage question, me and my friend Rachel Cruz do a weekend marriage retreat in Nashville twice a year, and it's always packed. There's always a couple thousand people in there. Ah, that's probably too much. It's 600 or 700 couples that come together, plus all the people who are working the event. But they come and spend a weekend together, and it's intense. But there's an anonymous question box that just gets loaded up. And so what I decided to do is start answering some of those questions on this show. So, um, because I don't get to every single one of them in the weekend. So here's a question. We read Emily's book about female sexuality, talking about Emily Nagatsky's book,
49:30 Dr. John Delony? Come As You Are, which I, at this point, I think is it's the best book on female sexuality, but also the best educational book out there.
49:41 Dr. John Delony? This woman writes, "He still sees," her husband still sees "our lack of sex as a you problem." "How do I discuss that I still need his help?" So, geez. What you're asking me is not a sex question. You're asking me a question of, "How can I tell my husband what I want and have him actually listen to me?" And the only thing I can, the only advice I can give you is the old business adage, "Clear is kind," or "To be unclear is to be unkind."
50:23 Dr. John Delony? And so, it might be very unsexy, very, very un-Hollywood. But it's you getting with yourself and saying to yourself and writing this stuff down. "I am unable to feel sexy when there's clothes piled up everywhere. I do not have space in my mind to think about sex, to think about intimacy, to think about getting busy with my partner, with my husband, when I'm carrying 50 dentist appointments and doctor appointments and this yard guy's coming and I gotta pay this and I gotta figure out this and oh yeah, I'm still working full-time too."
51:06 Dr. John Delony? Go through a list and be very clear for yourself. And here's what you're gonna find. Either you're gonna find you have a ton of stuff in your mental load that you need to be very clear with him. Yes, it would be Hollywood for him to just know, "You know what? She always is doing all the dentist, I don't even know what time our kids get out of school. I don't even know where their dentist is. I'm gonna sit down and ask her about all that." That'd be great. He's not gonna do that. Because he's thinking about the end of time and the apocalypse and do y'all have enough meat in the freezer? Everybody's carrying around these mental load things. Sit down and be very clear. Be very, very clear. I don't wanna get too into my house. I've made a commitment not to get too deep down the rabbit hole in my house. But it was a revelation to me that my wife had a picture in her mind about what a good
51:51 Dr. John Delony? wife is. And that is a clean kitchen. I didn't know that. And so anytime I was like, oh yeah, there was still this running loop, this running script, yeah, but a good wife has a. And so I took it personally. Dude, we have an hour, we have two hours, let's go on a date, let's go out. And it's like, well, I gotta clean the kitchen. I didn't realize, I took that personally. It wasn't, it had nothing to do with me. And so sitting down and saying, some of those stories you tell yourself, here's what I want, so that I can create this space. And also, you might find, you don't shower. I want you to trim up. You don't have a job, and I'm not attracted to you. You play video
52:36 Dr. John Delony? games all day, I don't respect you. Um, you just come in four beers in, and you're like, hey, let's, and I'm not attracted to that. But sitting down and writing this stuff down, for you is important, clear as kind, not hinting like, well, you know, if I had some help around here, not gonna get that map. We need a clearer map. Is that annoying? Yes. Is that, oh my, he should know. Fine. But that's the path. The second thing is, you have to have the courage to sit down and read it to him.
53:09 Dr. John Delony? And then the third thing is, is you have to live in the reality that he may say, I'm not doing that. And then the true challenges in your marriage will be revealed. It could be that you don't feel safe enough to say what you really want and really need to have taken off your plate for this other thing to have room in there, because he won't hear you, he'll weaponize it, he'll make fun of you. And if that's the case, you'll have to go to a marriage therapist immediately and deal with that. Or it could be, you're hem hawing around, and you haven't been super clear. Like, we read Emily's book about stop signs, and, and green lights, and gas pedals and brakes, we did all that, but you know, I was kind of like, I'm gonna be super clear, because clear is kind. And then I'm gonna be very clear
53:52 Dr. John Delony? about, here's what I need to have space, here's what I want to have in the house, help wise, emotionally.
54:02 Dr. John Delony? And then this gives me space to exhale and then begin to think about feeling beautiful. Think about hooking up with you. Think about being intimate, all those things. So that's, that's my, that's my challenge. And if he weaponizes what you want, if he weaponizes your vulnerabilities, what you put on the table, then y'all have much, much bigger issues. Hopefully. He's like most of the men I know that when they get a roadmap, they're like, oh, thank God. And again, I want to reiterate this. Is that Hollywood? Nope. Is that, um, the way it should be? No, whatever. It's the way it is. Let's start trafficking in reality. Put that on the table. So, great, great, great question. Hopefully that answer helps.
54:46 Dr. John Delony? Um, if you have some more money marriage type questions, send them on in. Uh, john delany.com slash ask. We've got about a thousand backlog questions, but if you got a good one, drop it in there along with some cool things that are going on in your life. Cause I do want to inject some positivity in the world on a regular basis. And some am I the problem questions. Love you guys. Stay out of trouble. Don't do drugs. See you soon.
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