My Husband Weaponizes Scripture to Control Me

On today’s episode, we hear about: • A wife struggling to feel valued by her demanding husband • A woman wondering how to tell her son he’s the product of a one-night stand • A woman coming to terms with the fact that her relationship is over ☎️ Listen to the original call with Stephanie—My Best Friend Passed. . . Can I Date Her Husband? Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi. Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  How do I respond to my husband when he demands submission?

• 0:11Dr. John Delony?

  What?

• 0:12Speaker 00

  He's often used the Bible verses about wives submit to your husbands and everything to end our arguments.

• 0:18Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, it's like taking a Bible and hitting you in the mouth with it. I mean, this is, this is an insane situation.

• 0:28Dr. John Delony?

  Yo, yo, yo, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Man, I'm glad you are with us. Trying to bring some sanity to our crazy relationships and challenges with our kids and our friends and our mental and emotional health in a world that has lost its mind. It's amazing to me. I'm reading headlines right now, and I won't read them here because everybody will get all gastrointestinal distress. But it is wild in these streets. It's got to Indianapolis. It's, I'm gonna get myself fired to talk to Nicole. What's up, Nicole? What'd he say?

• 1:09Speaker 00

  Hi, how are you?

• 1:10Dr. John Delony?

  I could not be better. Doing great. How about you?

• 1:14Speaker 00

  I'm all right. Uh, thank you for talking to me.

• 1:16Dr. John Delony?

  Of course. What's going on?

• 1:18Speaker 00

  So, uh, my question for you is, how do I respond to my husband when he demands submission?

• 1:26Dr. John Delony?

  What?

• 1:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:29Dr. John Delony?

  What does that mean?

• 1:30Speaker 00

  A little, a little background, I guess. Um, we've been married for almost three years. And since we've gotten married, he's often used the Bible verses about wives submit to your husbands and everything to end our arguments. Uh, my faith is really important to me, so it feels like a trump card has been played when he does this, and I just shut down.

• 1:52Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, it's like taking a Bible and hitting you in the mouth with it.

• 1:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, exactly.

• 1:57Dr. John Delony?

  And then blaming you for bleeding on the pages.

• 2:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's, that's a good way to put it.

• 2:02Dr. John Delony?

  All right, give me an example.

• 2:04Speaker 00

  Uh, so recently, I guess I brought up my need for a bit more contribution around the house. And this devolved into an hours-long argument where he ended up reading these verses to me, uh, off of his phone.

• 2:20Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, my gosh.

• 2:23Speaker 00

  And I don't know what else to do.

• 2:29Dr. John Delony?

  So he said, hey, and by the way, let's, let's take away the word need. I think that's a way we can drown each other. You said, hey, I want some help.

• 2:39Speaker 00

  Mm hmm.

• 2:40Dr. John Delony?

  And he said, like, do you have kids? I mean, what, what kind of help do you need? Or do you want?

• 2:46Speaker 00

  No kids, um, no kids, but that is another reason why I'm calling. That's definitely a hot topic at the moment. Um, but I kind of feel like I do a bit more than my fair share, I guess. Well, you know, he's playing video games. And so I say, hey, can you vacuum or can you take out the trash? And, uh, the argument will devolve into, well, you can quit your job and then you won't have anything to complain about anymore. And then as arguments continue.

• 3:19Dr. John Delony?

  Is this guy, is this for real? This is a real dude?

• 3:22Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 3:24Dr. John Delony?

  He pauses his video game to look over his shoulder at you?

• 3:29Dr. John Delony?

  And then grabs his phone and reads Bible verses about how you should submit to him?

• 3:34Speaker 00

  Yeah. And sometimes the video game isn't even paused.

• 3:40Speaker 00

  I wish I were joking.

• 3:44Dr. John Delony?

  I literally am out of words.

• 3:49Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I, ah.

• 3:54Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, my gosh.

• 4:00Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I, I mean, this isn't about me. How can I help?

• 4:04Speaker 00

  Well.

• 4:05Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, this is, this is an insane situation.

• 4:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm, I guess, I, I won't, you know, speak about him necessarily, but I, I feel very dismissed. You know, I'm feeling unvalued.

• 4:19Dr. John Delony?

  Wait, why? Just because he plays video games and hits you in the face with the Bible? And he doesn't help? And you, you, you wash his underwear and you work full time and you, uh, like, why in the world would you feel dismissed?

• 4:34Speaker 00

  It's, it's kind of a, it feels like a gender game is being played a lot of the time. And I, I see, you know, there's certainly merit in that. We are meant to complement each other.

• 4:43Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on, no, no, no, no, don't do that. Please don't do that.

• 4:46Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 4:47Dr. John Delony?

  This is not a gender game. This is not a scripture game.

• 4:52Dr. John Delony?

  Because the other, the other part of that talks about die for your wife.

• 5:00Dr. John Delony?

  Put down the video game controller and help her while she melts in front of you. That is not a verse about you get a lifetime maid and sexual slave. That does not mean you win every argument about where you're gonna go eat and what you're gonna do with the kids and what your wife's hair is gonna look like. At all. That's such a disgusting gross misrepresentation of what that talks about. It's abusive the way that's used. And here's why it's abusive, because you're bound inside of a faith context, right? And you can't, you're not leaving that faith context. And so inside those walls, he's taking this Bible, he's beating you over the head with it and saying, "You do what I say." While he's sitting there eating Cheetos, playing video games.

• 5:44Dr. John Delony?

  I just, I mean, I, geez, dude.

• 5:48Dr. John Delony?

  It's like, it's like, it's like a... This is one of those dudes that like, when I'm talking to people out in the more, in the, in the public sphere and we're having a good nature debater and not good nature debate. This is the guy they bring up and I say, "That's not real. Nobody's like that." And you're like, "No, no, no. I married him."

• 6:07Dr. John Delony?

  I married him.

• 6:07Speaker 00

  He's, you know, there's obviously really wonderful qualities about him. He, he works extremely hard. He's very successful. But, you know, that's, that's great on paper until it comes time to talk about emotions and that, that can be really difficult.

• 6:24Dr. John Delony?

  We're not even talking about emotions. We're talking about, "Hey, can we do life together?" No. Submit.

• 6:32Speaker 00

  Yeah. And then add in the whole pressure to, to have kids very soon and...

• 6:38Dr. John Delony?

  I'm sure he's...

• 6:39Speaker 00

  I feel a bit stuck.

• 6:40Dr. John Delony?

  Ripped off some Bible verses out of context to make you feel bad about that one too. Yeah, like, I don't know, but I don't know how you're gonna feel stuck. I mean,

• 6:50Dr. John Delony?

  you get to choose what happens next.

• 6:56Dr. John Delony?

  And I, I mean, I, I...

• 7:03Dr. John Delony?

  Here's a thing that's kind of freaking me out or grossing me out.

• 7:13Dr. John Delony?

  I think I've been super fortunate and I've also curated it, um, no question about that, but I've been fortunate with the men I've just got, I just roomed with in college and the people I've grown up around and the people that I run with. And so I live in kind of a bubble of pretty, not perfect men, kind of some dorks, kind of some buttholes, me too, but I, with good men. And that's on me that I don't, I need to get my head out of the sand and realize there's a lot more of this kind of nonsense going on out there.

• 7:49Speaker 00

  It's a blessing, though.

• 7:53Dr. John Delony?

  What is? Having good men around you? Yeah, it's awesome.

• 7:56Speaker 00

  Of course.

• 7:57Dr. John Delony?

  Of course it is. It's amazing. But it, it, it paints, cause, cause, cause here's the thing, I hear these stories and my first gut instinct is that can't be real. And every woman's lived experience, not everyone, but so many women's lived experiences is, tells me I'm, I'm dead, dead, dead wrong. And I, I guess I'd just say on behalf of men everywhere, I'm so sorry. On behalf of guys who identify as Christian, I'm sorry.

• 8:23Speaker 00

  Well, thank you.

• 8:26Dr. John Delony?

  It doesn't, it doesn't help you at all, not even a little bit.

• 8:29Speaker 00

  And I don't want to put a bad label on it, of course, especially because that's, that's a faith I subscribe to as well. Um, I just, I guess I'm, I'm looking for, for hope, I suppose, or.

• 8:42Dr. John Delony?

  Where, where does this, where does this, where does this come from for him? Like where does this like, where, where, how does this distill down into like an operation? He's got to learn this from something.

• 8:53Speaker 00

  Yeah. My thought is, um, he had a very sort of traditional upbringing.

• 9:01Dr. John Delony?

  I did too.

• 9:02Speaker 00

  Um, very, yeah.

• 9:03Dr. John Delony?

  But my dad said, serve your wife.

• 9:05Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 9:06Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I mean?

• 9:08Speaker 00

  Maybe it wasn't so traditional. Yeah, I don't know. Um, it's, it's an upbringing that certainly insisted upon mom and wife, stay home and do what you're told while husband goes and makes the money. And that's sort of where that ends with his responsibility.

• 9:28Speaker 00

  So I think a lot of that has trickled down. It wasn't this way when we were dating.

• 9:34Dr. John Delony?

  I was gonna say, why'd you marry into this?

• 9:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, I suppose I thought he was different from his parents. You know, we'd had that conversation of what we want our marriage to look like. And I thought he didn't want one like his parents, and I didn't want one like my parents, and we could forge our own path. But we fall into old habits, I suppose.

• 9:57Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Are you safe?

• 10:01Speaker 00

  Physically safe, yes.

• 10:02Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 10:03Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 10:05Dr. John Delony?

  Because the next step is you being very, very clear with yourself, and probably with a counselor, a couple of girlfriends, on what will be true in your home. For your body autonomy, because I also know this happens in the bedroom. And I know this happens in any other sphere that you don't feel comfortable talking about publicly, but I know.

• 10:28Dr. John Delony?

  And, because this is a radically abusive, distorted view of all sorts of good things used to wield power. And it just makes me sick to my stomach, dude. But you need to be very clear about, here's how this is gonna go.

• 10:48Dr. John Delony?

  And then he gets a choice to opt in or opt out.

• 10:54Dr. John Delony?

  And I guess what I'm telling you is, if you're telling me this is what he knows...

• 10:59Dr. John Delony?

  Like, does he have guy friends? What does he listen to? Like, where does this continue on?

• 11:06Speaker 00

  I think a lot of the media he consumes very much encourages his worldview.

• 11:15Speaker 00

  So...

• 11:15Dr. John Delony?

  Who? What does he consume?

• 11:19Speaker 00

  Certain podcasts that... I'm learning the word manosphere.

• 11:24Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, God, is he an Andrew Tate guy?

• 11:28Speaker 00

  I don't think that's the specific person he listens to, but certainly guys like him. I think it's got a big influence on the culture in our home at the moment.

• 11:48Dr. John Delony?

  So if he was bringing pornography into the house and letting that be instructive as to how you were gonna react, I mean, how are you gonna respond to him sexually? Would you put up with that?

• 12:00Speaker 00

  No.

• 12:03Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. I want you to view this kind of poison and garbage the exact same way.

• 12:10Speaker 00

  Hmm. I hadn't thought of it like that.

• 12:17Dr. John Delony?

  And I guess if nothing else on this phone call, I want you to feel permission, as long as you're safe, if you're not safe, please, please go somewhere where you're safe physically, okay?

• 12:26Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm. Yeah.

• 12:29Dr. John Delony?

  Um, to reclaim your autonomy. I'm sorry. Did you grow up with some of this nonsense too?

• 12:35Speaker 00

  No, maybe that's why I'm, you know, I've, I've allowed some of it to really sit with me and confuse me.

• 12:43Dr. John Delony?

  It's, uh, yeah, well, a very, very common thing, when I used to sit down with assault victims, was, it, it was a, almost, as I would ask questions as part of an investigation, what happened, it was a digesting, it was like a slow metabolizing of, oh my gosh, I am now in this category.

• 13:03Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 13:04Dr. John Delony?

  Like, I am now a person that this is happening to, and our bodies are so amazing at helping us get distance from wild types of pain, both emotional, psychological and physical. It, it helps us, like, make space, you get what I'm saying?

• 13:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:19Dr. John Delony?

  Um, and it's hard when the space begins to shrink and you realize, oh, this is my life.

• 13:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's just sort of a, how did, how did it come to this? How did everything change so quickly?

• 13:33Dr. John Delony?

  I know, and you sound like somebody who's looked to the mirror and tried to figure out what you did wrong here, and they just gotta hear me say, dude, this is madness. It's madness.

• 13:42Speaker 00

  It helps to hear somebody else say it. It makes you feel a little less alone. So, thank you.

• 13:46Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, listen to the other, like, bro guys out there.

• 13:51Dr. John Delony?

  Do you know the word, like, behind closed doors, the word on the street with Rogan is that he's one of the greatest husbands ever? You ever heard some of those goofballs talk about their, like, I'm just thinking of, like, the guys with huge podcasts who are all, like, you know, like, real raunchy dudes? They're so insane about how much they love their wives. And how they dedicate their lives to try, like, they tell jokes about them and they're in a pro blah blah, but they, it's this,

• 14:17Dr. John Delony?

  "Can not do anything other than I want to provide the most insane life for my wife."

• 14:26Dr. John Delony?

  You ever heard Dave Ramsey talk about his wife? It's amazing.

• 14:29Speaker 00

  That's how I found you.

• 14:30Dr. John Delony?

  People talk about me and my wi, I mean, it's just, it's such a great, I, I, like, you're blowing my mind right now. And you shouldn't, that this kind of nonsense is still out there, and I thought this crap, I'm sorry, I'm just sorry. I'm sorry.

• 14:46Speaker 00

  No, don't be, don't be sorry.

• 14:47Dr. John Delony?

  No, it, I hate it for you.

• 14:50Speaker 00

  I was scared to call, but, uh, I think if anybody else is out there, you know, maybe they can hear something like this and feel a little less alone.

• 14:56Dr. John Delony?

  What's your next move?

• 14:59Speaker 00

  Well,

• 15:02Speaker 00

  probably get on my knees and pray. I'm being honest. Um, and call a girlfriend.

• 15:09Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, and then what?

• 15:10Speaker 00

  And just be, and be honest. I don't know. After that, I don't know.

• 15:14Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, I need you to hear me say you have a very hard road ahead of you.

• 15:19Dr. John Delony?

  And this is a choose-your-hard moment. It's gonna be very, very hard to continue living the life where you are somebody else's, um, servant. Who has no care in the world about your feelings, your emotions, your dreams, your wants, your partnership.

• 15:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:38Dr. John Delony?

  You are a maid, you're a sexual servant, and you are a child dispenser. That's gonna be a very hard life. And it will be very hard to untangle yourself from this madness, too.

• 15:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:52Dr. John Delony?

  So the, like, knowing there's only hard paths ahead of me.

• 15:59Speaker 00

  You're right.

• 15:59Dr. John Delony?

  Ahead of you. It's not a matter of there's an easy route out of this thing. It's just two hard paths.

• 16:06Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 16:06Dr. John Delony?

  And so whenever somebody's faced with a choose-your-hard moment, my recommendation is to pick the hard path that will get you to the place that you want to be in five years, in three years.

• 16:21Speaker 00

  That's good advice. Thank you.

• 16:25Dr. John Delony?

  Just hear me say, there's good guys out there. There's tons and tons and tons and tons and tons of them. I promise you, I know them.

• 16:33Speaker 00

  I believe you, and I know I'm gonna be okay. I think just, you know, feeling a little bit like I've got somebody to walk with me has been helpful, even just for a few minutes. So I really appreciate it.

• 16:50Dr. John Delony?

  Can I give you, can I ask one more quick question and then let you go?

• 16:52Speaker 00

  Of course, of course.

• 16:57Dr. John Delony?

  And this is only, I'll edit this part out if you want me to. This is only because I've sat with too many people who have been on the other side of this thing before. For 20 years, I've done this.

• 17:07Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 17:08Dr. John Delony?

  I can hear your voice starting to inch backwards a little bit. Like, there's a fear that I've said too much and I'm not safe anymore. Are you okay?

• 17:20Speaker 00

  I'm okay. Just a little shaken, I think.

• 17:24Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 17:25Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 17:26Dr. John Delony?

  What you did is a brave thing. When you hang up with me, will you call somebody that you trust and say, "I need to come over and talk to you right now"?

• 17:36Speaker 00

  I'm gonna do that, yeah.

• 17:37Dr. John Delony?

  You promise?

• 17:38Speaker 00

  Sorry. Yes, I promise.

• 17:41Dr. John Delony?

  Hey, don't ever apologize to me. I'm just a clown on the radio, dude, on the podcast.

• 17:48Speaker 00

  Well, you're a very helpful clown.

• 17:49Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to listen to that lump in your throat, okay? Sounds like you're hanging on with duct tape right now. Are you sure you're okay?

• 17:56Speaker 00

  Yes, I'm okay. Thank you.

• 17:58Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna trust you. Will you call me anytime? All right. Bye, love.

• 18:06Speaker 00

  All right, thanks. Love to you. Bye-bye.

• 18:12Dr. John Delony?

  Kelly.

• 18:18Dr. John Delony?

  I don't have any kind words to say right now. For those of you listening, if you want to hear what fear and terror sounds like, it sounds like that woman's voice. And I could feel it. My wife told me back when I was in college that when I... she would grab my arm and take me out of a situation because I started getting a little... like, my mouth does a weird thing and I can feel it doing it right now. Let's go to commercial. We'll be right back. It's Deloney and I want to talk about Organifi. I talk to people every day who are stressed out, anxious, not sleeping well, no friends in sight, and just generally mad at everything. And most of us are trying to fix all of our distress with comfort food,

• 19:01Dr. John Delony?

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• 19:45Dr. John Delony?

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• 20:26Dr. John Delony?

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• 21:10Dr. John Delony?

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• 21:46Speaker 00

  Hi, Dr. John.

• 21:48Dr. John Delony?

  What's up?

• 21:49Speaker 00

  Thanks so much for taking my call.

• 21:51Dr. John Delony?

  Of course. What's going on?

• 21:53Speaker 00

  Well, I was hoping that you can give me some advice or some guidance on how I can overcome the guilt and shame that I live with on a fairly daily basis for conceiving my son in a one night stand.

• 22:19Dr. John Delony?

  Where's the shame and guilt coming from?

• 22:22Speaker 00

  Um, I think it comes from a couple of different places. Um, so, brief backstory, um, I'm a woman of faith and, uh, at the end of two thousand, uh, excuse me, twenty twenty-two, um, I came out of a very, um, verbally and emotionally abusive divorce.

• 22:48Speaker 00

  I was in a, just a very bad place emotionally, mentally, um.

• 22:56Speaker 00

  Uh, within a few months of that divorce and, uh, becoming final, I was going through probably the worst, like, soul-crushing loneliness I've ever experienced in my life. I had no sense of self-worth, I just was in a really bad place. And I started making some decisions that I would never have normally made. Um, I started speaking, um, to fill that loneliness and just making some bad decisions when it came to, um, one-night stands. And, uh, it didn't last very long, um, and I just didn't feel like myself, didn't want

• 23:40Speaker 00

  any part of doing this anymore, and, uh, stopped completely. Um, but before I could begin any sort of healing from the trauma that I'd been through, I found out I was pregnant.

• 23:57Speaker 00

  And, so, from day one of conception, I've, I've been a single mom, and it began, you know, that nine-month journey of the daily reminder of what I had done, um, walking out of my house every day, feeling like I had a giant scarlet letter A on my forehead, you know, having to walk into church as a single woman every Sunday with a belly that was getting bigger, like, um, there was very much that side of guilt and shame, um, and then on the other side as well.

• 24:36Speaker 00

  I don't have, I'm not giving him the life that I would wanted to have given my son. Being in the single mom position that I am and, you know, we share a little one bedroom apartment and I work, you know, two and three jobs to keep him in school. And he's the most precious thing I have.

• 25:04Speaker 00

  And I'm just struggling with how to break through that guilt and shame.

• 25:15Dr. John Delony?

  Have you ever heard me lie to somebody on this show?

• 25:18Speaker 00

  Never.

• 25:19Dr. John Delony?

  I'm not gonna start now, okay? You're a real good mom.

• 25:28Dr. John Delony?

  Actually, you're an unbelievable mom.

• 25:32Dr. John Delony?

  This knuckle-headed little boy, how old is he?

• 25:36Speaker 00

  He's one and a half now.

• 25:37Dr. John Delony?

  Is he just a human hurricane? Is he just chaos?

• 25:42Speaker 00

  Actually, he's...

• 25:44Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, is he one of those sweet kids that's kinda awesome?

• 25:47Speaker 00

  The sweetest little boy I could have ever asked for. He's, um, he helps me unload the dishwasher. He takes out his own trash. He puts his own laundry away. I mean, he's, he's just the best little boy I could have asked for.

• 26:02Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 26:08Dr. John Delony?

  You're a good mom.

• 26:13Dr. John Delony?

  Did you draw it up this way? No.

• 26:18Dr. John Delony?

  Were you trying to navigate your way through hell? Yeah.

• 26:22Dr. John Delony?

  Did you do some things that were out of character for you, out of alignment with your values? Yeah.

• 26:29Dr. John Delony?

  Do you have like an extraordinary miracle? Yep.

• 26:39Dr. John Delony?

  I'm curious, when you're going to church and you're pregnant, do people look down their nose at you? Or do they welcome you and say, "Oh, my gosh, I'm so glad you're here"?

• 26:50Speaker 00

  They were extremely welcoming.

• 26:52Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 26:54Dr. John Delony?

  Then here's what I want you to do when you can't hold your arms up in the desert, when your arms are tired.

• 27:02Dr. John Delony?

  That's pretty amorphous. That's an old Bible story. When you're...

• 27:09Dr. John Delony?

  When you glance by yourself in the mirror and you look tired, how old are you?

• 27:15Speaker 00

  I'm 35.

• 27:16Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, you're tired. This isn't how you drew this up.

• 27:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:22Dr. John Delony?

  And you have a little kid, bop, bop, bop, in the other room. And if you're a one-bedroom apartment,

• 27:29Dr. John Delony?

  and you don't believe your worth very much, I want you to remember my voice. I want you to remember the welcoming voices and smiles and hugs

• 27:38Dr. John Delony?

  of the people at your local church.

• 27:43Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to remember those voices, okay?

• 27:48Speaker 00

  Okay. I'm just so afraid that I'm gonna accidentally or unintentionally give him some kind of impression when he's older that he was a mistake, and I don't ever, ever want him to feel that way. So I'm trying hard in this season of my life to overcome that so that I don't ever...

• 28:15Dr. John Delony?

  Here's how you do it. You want to hear it's really simple. Every morning and every night, hold his face, put your hands on his face.

• 28:27Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? And by the way, it regulates a kid's nervous system. It down-regulates it. It lets their nervous system know that they're safe in this particular moment, okay?

• 28:37Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 28:37Dr. John Delony?

  Put your hands on his face

• 28:40Dr. John Delony?

  and say, "I'm so glad that God picked me to be your mommy."

• 28:49Speaker 00

  I can do that.

• 28:50Dr. John Delony?

  Every morning and every night.

• 28:55Dr. John Delony?

  And one day soon, he's gonna say, "Where is my dad?" And you're gonna have to have that conversation. Where is his dad, by the way?

• 29:03Speaker 00

  Um, he is, he, he is aware he has a son. Um, at this time, he is not wanting to be a part of his life.

• 29:18Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Is he, is, have you taken him to court for money?

• 29:22Speaker 00

  Um, he does pay child support, yeah.

• 29:25Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 29:27Dr. John Delony?

  So, we're gonna honestly, when the kid asks,

• 29:30Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 29:31Dr. John Delony?

  We'll say, "Dad's really sick and he's not coming, he's not able to come home right now." A-actually, we're not gonna say that. We're gonna say, "Daddy's really sick and he's choosing to not come to the house right now, so that he doesn't get the rest of us sick." And I will say that with full integrity, because to not wanna be in the life of your son is very ill.

• 29:52Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 29:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's been a, a conversation I've been anticipating and trying to prepare myself for.

• 30:02Dr. John Delony?

  Here's the thing, here's the thing. Just don't ever lie. Because he won't be able to process that mommy's a liar. And don't ever talk bad, because half of him is that guy.

• 30:13Speaker 00

  Right.

• 30:13Dr. John Delony?

  And there will come a day, hopefully, that he loops back around, okay? Maybe not, but hopefully.

• 30:20Speaker 00

  Um, right.

• 30:22Dr. John Delony?

  And at some point, he'll learn how babies are made, and you'll tell him.

• 30:27Dr. John Delony?

  And then he'll say, "Oh, is that how I was made?" And you'll say, "Yes."

• 30:33Dr. John Delony?

  And you have a bunch of religious contacts, you've got a bunch of, um, personal baggage, you've got all these other things. He doesn't have any of that.

• 30:42Speaker 00

  Right.

• 30:44Dr. John Delony?

  He will know every night, despite his questions, that he has loved the moon and back, because every single morning, his mom puts her hand on his face. And by the way, as he gets older, he'll get squirmy and be like, "Mom!" And he'll be like, "Nope, I'm saying it."

• 31:00Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 31:04Dr. John Delony?

  And we're not going to shy away from hard questions. We're going to head right through them because he will feel unanchored. You're right. It's going to be hard. You're right.

• 31:13Dr. John Delony?

  And he's not going to have to also, when is my mom told me the truth? All those things are true. But if you start holding your breath now for a hard conversation that may come a year, or two years, five years from now, what you're going to do is you're not going to prevent that hard conversation. You're just going to rob yourself of the joy in the present moment that you live right now.

• 31:34Speaker 00

  That's true.

• 31:37Dr. John Delony?

  So when he starts asking questions, let him have a bank of months and years of laughter and joy.

• 31:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, I do feel like I've been robbing myself at least of moments that, you know, such as my pregnancy. I mean, I can't look back on it and say that any of it was joyful when it should have been because I just, I let the guilt and the shame consume me so much.

• 32:11Dr. John Delony?

  It's kind of like you fell out of a boat in the middle of the ocean. You finally got back to shore and you're really mad that your, that your breaststroke wasn't great.

• 32:26Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I mean?

• 32:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's analogy.

• 32:28Dr. John Delony?

  Like, don't critique your swimming. You made it to shore. Here you are. And you ended up on a shore you didn't want to be on, but you're at shore.

• 32:38Dr. John Delony?

  And you got this amazing little boy.

• 32:43Speaker 00

  He is amazing.

• 32:44Dr. John Delony?

  And your healing will come from choosing every time those, those voice pops in your head, I want you to have a tiny picture. I want you to go get one printed at Walgreens, a little picture of him, not on your phone, but a real picture and I want you to put in your pocket.

• 32:59Dr. John Delony?

  And every time that voice pops in your head of, "Nobody's going to want to marry me now. I can't believe I slept with this dude on like, you know, in the back of a car after, I can't believe I went up to his apartment. I can't believe I..." I want you to pull that picture out and say, "And I got you."

• 33:19Dr. John Delony?

  And what we're gonna slowly do over time is you are gonna change your default setting to "I'm defined by doing something that was in violation of my own values" to "I'm a great mom."

• 33:33Dr. John Delony?

  And when he's 14, or 12, or 11, or 16, he'll be like, "Was I an accident?" And you can laugh, because you'll have 15 years, or 10 years, or nine years of relationship, and you can be like, "I didn't plan ya."

• 33:46Dr. John Delony?

  But God did. I'm glad you're here.

• 33:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:50Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 33:52Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yep.

• 33:55Dr. John Delony?

  So I will end this call with one last statement.

• 33:59Dr. John Delony?

  You are a great mom.

• 34:03Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 34:03Dr. John Delony?

  And the months and years of two jobs, and only seeing him for a few minutes in the morning, and an hour in the evening, those will come to an end. You're in a crappy season right now.

• 34:17Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 34:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:19Dr. John Delony?

  Here's what I'm gonna send you, okay? I'm gonna send you a couple of, I'm gonna load you up, alright? You ready?

• 34:24Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 34:25Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna send you Financial Peace University, the digital classes, all for free, all nine lessons. I want you to watch them, and I want you to start doing it, okay?

• 34:33Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 34:34Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna send you Total Money Makeover for free, the book. I want you to read that. Single moms, working two or three jobs, trying to figure out daycare and school, money is a mess, okay? And it's a tool and a path. I'm also gonna send you my buddy Ken Coleman's book, Work You're Wired to Do, and I want you to start thinking about life after two jobs.

• 34:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:56Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 34:56Speaker 00

  That'd be great. Thank you so much.

• 34:59Dr. John Delony?

  I'm not finished. I'm also gonna send you Building a Non-Anxious Life, okay?

• 35:04Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 35:04Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm gonna send you all of the Questions for Humans: Parents and Kids Cards.

• 35:10Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 35:11Dr. John Delony?

  So when y'all are sitting at a little diner, sharing a cheeseburger, because that's all you can afford right now, you can pull a couple of those question cards out.

• 35:24Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 35:25Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 35:26Speaker 00

  I'm gonna do that.

• 35:26Dr. John Delony?

  And I know he's only 15 months old. He can't even talk that well, but it'll be fun to babble.

• 35:31Speaker 00

  He's only just finally started saying mama.

• 35:33Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Well, then take those cards and just put them in the drawer for a while. I'm way ahead of myself. Here's what I'm trying to communicate. You're not by yourself, okay?

• 35:42Speaker 00

  Thank you. I appreciate that.

• 35:44Dr. John Delony?

  Cool.

• 35:46Speaker 00

  Yes, sir. Thank you.

• 35:46Dr. John Delony?

  Call anytime, okay? Hang on the line here. We'll get you hooked up with this stuff.

• 35:50Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 35:50Dr. John Delony?

  Sheesh, you're awesome. All right, when we come back, a caller updates us on her relationship with her late friend's husband. We'll be right back.

• 36:03Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's talk about Delete Me. Does anyone else feel like our digital footprints are starting to feel more like digital trails leading bad guys right to us wherever we happen to be? And now scammers are using phishing attacks with a PH where they try to trick you into giving them something by pretending to know you? You get an email, a text, or a phone call, and the person or the AI bot on the other end sounds like someone who's trying to help you out? With the new technological advancements, no one is really safe. What is any of us to do? First, we're gonna start controlling what we can control. We're gonna learn about how to be careful online and offline, and we're gonna sign up with Delete Me. I use and recommend Delete Me because they work in the background to reduce my online presence. That way, I don't have to worry about creepy data brokers having my data.

• 36:48Dr. John Delony?

  They've reviewed over tens of thousands of sites for me, and they've removed my data from hundreds of them, which has saved me countless hours and a ton of stress. Stop the phishing attacks, stop the harassment, and stop the other online threats before they even start, and take control of your digital privacy with Delete Me. Go to joindelete.me/deloney today for 20% off the annual plan. That comes out to less than nine bucks a month. That's joindelete.me/deloney.

• 37:20Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we are back. All right, Kelly, this is a follow-up call from someone who previously called. Fill me in.

• 37:26Speaker 02

  Right, so Stephanie called a little while back, just a month or so ago, and she had gone through a divorce and her best friend had passed away, and she and the best friend's husband

• 37:39Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, yeah.

• 37:40Speaker 02

  were starting to kind of dip their toe in the water of a relationship and deciding how to move forward.

• 37:46Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 37:47Speaker 02

  And so now she's calling us with an update on how things are going.

• 37:49Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, awesome. All right, let's go out to Stephanie in here in Franklin, Tennessee. What's up, Stephanie?

• 37:55Speaker 00

  Hey, Dr. John, how are you?

• 37:58Dr. John Delony?

  I'm good. Are you calling me back because I gave you horrible advice last time?

• 38:03Speaker 00

  No, you gave incredible advice, actually.

• 38:06Dr. John Delony?

  All right, good. Phew. All right.

• 38:09Speaker 00

  Um...

• 38:10Dr. John Delony?

  So how are you doing?

• 38:11Speaker 00

  So, I was doing really, really well till Easter.

• 38:16Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, what happened at Easter?

• 38:19Speaker 00

  And so, we met right after, like, a couple days after I called you, and it was wonderful.

• 38:26Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, you and this guy, you and your late friend's ex-husband. All right, I don't know if you call him ex, but her, okay. All right, so y'all met in person?

• 38:37Speaker 00

  We met in person, and he, we had talked even before meeting, but he, he was very much wanting to be in a relationship, and we had talked a lot about, you know, are you sure you're ready? It hasn't been a year yet, and he had already decided before we started talking that he was ready to move to a different location, he was ready just to kind of start life over, fresh start kind of thing. And so for him, when we started talking, everything kind of started falling into place. And I was very hesitant because even when we lived in the same area and our families would do stuff together, I never

• 39:18Speaker 00

  really considered him a friend, just because I didn't talk to him very much, so... Anyhow, we met and the first fifteen minutes were so awkward. Like, it was so funny. We laughed so much because we just put it all on the table, like you said. And it was like, well, the last time we saw each other, we were both married and, you know, it was just, it was, it was fun. But, um, so behavior was consistent, talking was consistent. And I decided I really did want to be in a relationship with this guy.

• 39:52Dr. John Delony?

  Ew.

• 39:53Speaker 00

  Incredible man. I know.

• 39:54Dr. John Delony?

  Did y'all kiss?

• 39:55Speaker 00

  Right.

• 39:56Dr. John Delony?

  Gross.

• 39:56Speaker 00

  We so kissed. Yes.

• 39:59Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna stop right there. I've got so many more questions, but all right, so keep going. So y'all are in it to win it now.

• 40:05Speaker 00

  Yes, and he started looking for jobs in, where, you know, in the middle Tennessee area.

• 40:11Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 40:11Speaker 00

  And wanting to move here, um, we told the kids that went better than expected. So hard, but better than expected, very much moving forward. And, um, then Easter happened and everything just came to a halt. And when I tell you every GPS pin in my body was going off, like, the Fourth of July. It was. I was terrified.

• 40:40Dr. John Delony?

  What happened?

• 40:40Speaker 00

  And I had told him before, he just stopped talking to me.

• 40:44Dr. John Delony?

  Ah.

• 40:44Speaker 00

  And I had told him, when we first started talking, like, if we get in a relationship, one thing I am so scared of is the rug being pulled out from under me because it's been so many times. And so when he stopped talking, that's how I felt. And reached out to a couple mentors, we talked, and they said, you know, the anniversary of her death hasn't even happened, it's coming up. It's awful, it's on Mother's Day of all days.

• 41:09Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, jeez.

• 41:10Speaker 00

  This year. And just back off, give him some space. So I did. I reached out to him one last time. I said, you know, I'm just gonna give you space to grieve right now. I'm here, I love you, I wanna help you.

• 41:25Dr. John Delony?

  You're already saying I love you?

• 41:27Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 41:29Dr. John Delony?

  Damn, Gina. All right, so, all right, hold on.

• 41:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 41:31Dr. John Delony?

  So... Did he cut you off completely and just ghost you? Or did he start saying things like, hey, I'm really struggling with my ex. I'm grieving. Like, or did he just like stop responding to anything?

• 41:45Speaker 00

  He stopped responding. And

• 41:47Dr. John Delony?

  So you even saying, hey, I want to grieve. I know you're grieving. You were just fishing. You were just guessing.

• 41:53Speaker 00

  Yes, exactly. Because he didn't really address it. And so on Wednesday, so what, four days, three, four days later? He sent a voice message and said, you know, thank you for giving me some space. It's actually been a much easier week than I thought. I've gotten lots of rest, spent time with the kids. And I was like, okay. And I sent a voice message back. That's wonderful. I'm glad that's happening. Um, I'm praying for you. You're an incredible dad. I'm so proud of you. I love you. I'm here. Didn't really hear anything again until Saturday morning, when he sent a voice message again. And he said, you know, I've been talking with the kids.

• 42:38Speaker 00

  They don't want to move. Um, I'm realizing all the feelings I had for my wife are still very strong. I've really enjoyed time with you. And that's kind of it. Like, thank you for, I know this week has been hard on you. Thank you for your prayers. That's it. So I texted him back and I said, I'm very confused right now. Can you please clarify what you meant by that? And it's Wednesday afternoon. I haven't heard a single thing. So

• 43:09Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on, hold on, hold on. You're wondering, right? He just broke up with you.

• 43:15Dr. John Delony?

  That's what that is.

• 43:17Speaker 00

  So this isn't grief?

• 43:19Dr. John Delony?

  No, it's not grief. No, no.

• 43:23Dr. John Delony?

  No. And he did it in a very cowardly way via voice text.

• 43:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:29Dr. John Delony?

  I'm sorry.

• 43:35Speaker 00

  That's what I was afraid of.

• 43:36Dr. John Delony?

  I'm sorry.

• 43:37Speaker 00

  Cause I was holding on to the hope that once the anniversary is passed, that he would start to see through the mist and realize she isn't coming back, he's ready to move on.

• 43:49Dr. John Delony?

  No, it's not that. I mean, he, he told you this actually been a pretty good week. I think he was telling you, I'm not, I'm not really grieving. I'm, I'm, I'm doing okay.

• 43:58Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 44:00Speaker 00

  Okay. Well, that's.

• 44:02Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on, don't just run tired. It's heartbreaking. I'll sit here with you for a second. I hate it.

• 44:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, it really, really hurts.

• 44:15Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 44:18Speaker 00

  Cause I let myself, what, what, how I feel right now is like, and I know it's only been four months, but he built this home for me and he put me inside of it and said, "Your love, you're safe here." And then he set it on fire and walked away and I have to clean it all up.

• 44:36Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 44:39Speaker 00

  But I was hoping this whole time I was wrong.

• 44:42Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 44:45Dr. John Delony?

  There's another way to look at it. Are you, could you hear another way to look at it? Or are you hurting pretty bad right now?

• 44:51Speaker 00

  No, I can hear.

• 44:56Dr. John Delony?

  It might also be that he built the house, invited you in, and you had a great four months.

• 45:05Dr. John Delony?

  And in his own awkward, cowardly way,

• 45:10Dr. John Delony?

  he said, "Hey, I'm, I'm, I'm gonna be done now."

• 45:15Dr. John Delony?

  But nothing's on fire. You're sad, your heart's broken.

• 45:20Dr. John Delony?

  But you may have proved to yourself that you can love again. You may have proven to yourself that you're a little bit stronger and more courageous and brave than you thought you were.

• 45:31Dr. John Delony?

  You may have been affirmed that, yeah, I'm a good kisser.

• 45:37Dr. John Delony?

  Maybe, maybe not.

• 45:39Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, no, totally. Sorry, I'm trying to laugh here.

• 45:44Dr. John Delony?

  No, no, no, don't, do whatever you want, but I'm just saying like it.

• 45:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:49Dr. John Delony?

  I don't want you in the pain of a heartbreak to just burn the whole thing down because even just you retelling it just now, it sounds like there was some good in there. And if you find out that he was sleeping with somebody else, or he's actually married, then yes, he burned the whole thing down. But I don't want to beat somebody up for giving it a go for four months and just saying,

• 46:13Dr. John Delony?

  like, I just, you're just not the one for me moving forward. Or maybe you're not the one for me right now. It's hard to hear, but I don't want to beat somebody up for that. You know what I mean?

• 46:23Speaker 00

  No, that's fair. I just wish he'd been more direct.

• 46:27Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, yeah, I mean, it's a very cowardly way to end it, for real. It reminds me of one of my students that walked inside one time with the head, one of my graduate students that had, that was told via text message they were, that his spouse was divorcing.

• 46:42Dr. John Delony?

  And it was like, I couldn't believe it. I was like, what are you talking about?

• 46:47Dr. John Delony?

  But yeah, it, no matter what kind of throes of grief you are in, um, the person that you're exclusive with is worth a phone call. Hey, this is coming up on the week anniversary of my, of our mutual, my wife and your best friend, her passing, I just need a week, this is a lot for me right now.

• 47:06Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Two, I need two weeks, I need 30 days, like, whatever. Like, you don't just starve somebody of relationship. Like, that's just cruel.

• 47:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:15Dr. John Delony?

  You especially don't break up with somebody via voice text, come on. You know what I mean? And also, I want to give some compassion, it's the week his wife, of her anniversary, and probably her kids, his kids are giving him hell, and who knows what's going on.

• 47:28Speaker 00

  Exactly, and that's, I mean, I can't imagine what they're going through. And so my heart's breaking for them on that front as well. And I don't know, it's just hard being, getting to be so close to someone and walking through that grief with them. Cause that's how our whole friendship started, really.

• 47:50Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 47:50Speaker 00

  And then to be, you know, when the rubber really hits the road, I'm just shoved off to the side. Not even really an afterthought.

• 47:59Dr. John Delony?

  Maybe, he may not be able to sleep right now. Again, all these are stories you're telling yourself. And you can tell yourself stories that make you mad and keep you up late at night. You can tell yourself stories that help you sleep. But just remember, you get to, because he's absent, because he's quiet, you get to be the author of the stories you tell yourself.

• 48:18Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 48:19Dr. John Delony?

  And because of that, I would choose to tell myself the most compassionate version of the stories. That way, I don't get an aneurysm on somebody else's behalf.

• 48:28Speaker 00

  Mm hmm. Should I give him a little bit? Like, if he were to reach out in three or four weeks, should I kind of leave my heart open a little bit for that? Or should I just?

• 48:44Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, me and my wife broke up five times. So I, I mean, I'm, that's just me. And that's not everybody. And we've been together for a quarter century. So I mean, that's just, I mean, I don't know if it's a matter of should I keep my, I, I want to live my life wholehearted all the time.

• 49:01Speaker 00

  Mm hmm.

• 49:02Dr. John Delony?

  And that means I'm gonna have some above average, wild, fantastic, amazing experiences. And that means I'm gonna get hurt more than the average person. And when I do get hurt, it's gonna hurt real bad. That's just a choice I have made because I'm a normally closed off kind of guy. And I realized I'm missing out. I'm not protecting myself from bad stuff, but I am missing out on the good stuff. I just don't want to live like that.

• 49:26Speaker 00

  Exactly.

• 49:27Dr. John Delony?

  And so in four months, let's be honest, if he, if you get a voice message from him and he says, I'm the worst. Can we talk tonight? Your heart will race out of your chest.

• 49:37Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And you might be dating somebody, you might be dating somebody else. Somebody with a mustache who's way hotter. I'm just kidding, I don't know if you have a mustache. But like, you may, you may be, or, um, you may not have, your heart may not be at your chest at all. And you may realize, oh, that was just a highly charged emotional four months that was kinda awesome and heartbreaking and

• 50:01Dr. John Delony?

  now I'm on to the, now I'm on to the rest of my life. So, I wouldn't prejudge or pre-guess what's gonna happen. I would let your gut and your heart be your guide in four months, or two months, whatever. I'm almost guaranteeing you, he's gonna call you. At some point.

• 50:16Dr. John Delony?

  Cause I think if he was a person that lacked so much integrity and character to just completely ghost you via voice text forever, I think you would've known that on the front end.

• 50:27Speaker 00

  And that's the thing, like, I knew enough from his life that he's an incredible man.

• 50:33Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 50:33Speaker 00

  And, yeah, and so that's part of why this is just so completely just confusing for me right now.

• 50:41Dr. John Delony?

  This is gonna shock you, okay? And this is like, really recent data.

• 50:47Dr. John Delony?

  Some men don't know how to handle their emotions very well.

• 50:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 50:56Dr. John Delony?

  It's rare, it's rare. But I'm trying to imagine somebody who has fallen in love with his why, his deceased wife's best friend, gotten to making out and the whole shebang, and his kids are sobbing, saying, "How dare you dad, you're abandoning us, you left us, you're gonna move, what? You're gonna be a terrible granddad." Plus, he's getting all these texts from people who put a little asterisk on their calendar, like, "So sorry about Janet," or whatever your friend's name was. Like, that's just a lot.

• 51:25Dr. John Delony?

  In his own fu- If you, if, if what you know of him over the last two, five, 10, 20 years is that he's a good man, then the story you get to tell yourself is

• 51:35Dr. John Delony?

  he's a big, tall, proud man that stood up and found himself completely underwater.

• 51:41Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 51:42Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm gonna tell myself that story, cuz that's the most compassionate version I get to, and that's gonna let my heart rate not get up too high, and I'm gonna go about my day with my heart broken, cuz I wish he was still calling me. Or, we've had a lot of conversations about grief, I wish he would grieve with me, too. Cuz by the way, this is year one year anniversary also.

• 52:01Speaker 00

  Yes, it is. Yeah, we're a day apart.

• 52:04Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so make sure you write, no, you lost your friend a year ago, right?

• 52:09Speaker 00

  No, I did, but my divorce was finalized-

• 52:11Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, all of it.

• 52:12Speaker 00

  -the day before she died.

• 52:13Dr. John Delony?

  But I'm saying-

• 52:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, everything.

• 52:14Dr. John Delony?

  All of it.

• 52:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:15Dr. John Delony?

  So I want you to write her a one-year letter.

• 52:19Speaker 00

  Hmm, that's a good idea.

• 52:21Dr. John Delony?

  And tell her you made out with her husband.

• 52:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:26Dr. John Delony?

  But write her a one-year letter. Don't tell her that. Leave that out of the letter. That'd just be weird.

• 52:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:33Dr. John Delony?

  But I want you to mark this moment for yourself, too. It's a big, it's a big moment for you as well, okay?

• 52:40Speaker 00

  That's a good idea.

• 52:41Dr. John Delony?

  And call a couple of girlfriends and be truly breakup sad. And when somebody breaks your heart, or they don't call you back, or they say, "Hey, it's just not a good time", or "I really gave it a run, and you're just not my person", there is no other feeling to feel other than heartbroken and sad. And that's not a bad feeling. I mean, it's a bad feeling. It feels bad, but it's not a wrong feeling. It's not a pathology. It doesn't mean something's wrong with you. It means your heart is ticking, and your life is full, and you're living full-hearted and whole-hearted, and, well, "Son of a gun, he broke my heart." That's what that means. Stephanie, call me anytime. You're one of my favorites. We'll be right back.

• 53:26Dr. John Delony?

  This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey, while the world seems like it's falling apart, we're all under pressure to perform. And we're all under pressure to perform and look like we're keeping it all together at the same time. And we all know that support is good, but we're not even allowed to ask for it. Women are often told that they have to be everything to everyone all of the time, and somehow they have to just intuitively know how to do it all. And men are often told they are the reason for every bad thing in the world, and that asking for help means they are weak or less than. Here's a wild statistic. Seventy-six percent of people globally agree that mental health care can help resolve

• 54:05Dr. John Delony?

  personal problems, yet six out of 10 people still believe that society discourages asking for help. Listen to me carefully. Real strength comes from opening up about what you're carrying and then doing something about it so that you can be your best self for you and for everyone else in your life. If you're feeling like the weight of the world is starting to bury you, talk to someone, anyone, a friend, a loved one, or yes, a therapist. I talk with a therapist every week, and you might consider doing it too. If you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. To get started, you just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed

• 54:50Dr. John Delony?

  therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time easily and for no extra cost. Talk it out with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com/daloni to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash daloni.

• 55:09Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we're back. Let's take a, one of the anonymous money and marriage questions from the Money and Marriage Weekend. Here's a question. "How do we, or should we, tell our kids about a transformational event that occurred in my life, which included me being sentenced to jail?"

• 55:33Dr. John Delony?

  There's not enough information here. I guess I'll go back to my core principles. Number one, never lie to your kids. Number two, as my buddy Rachel says, share, don't scare. So. You're not gonna wanna tell a seven-year-old, "Dude, guess what happened? Your dad murdered somebody one time and got sentenced to jail." "I don't know what this transformational event is. I don't know if it's abuse. I don't know if it is you were protecting somebody and you knocked their teeth out and you went to jail for it. I don't know what this transformational event is." "So I need way more context." "Um, here's what will happen. Your kids at some point will chat GPT and/or Google you. They will find out that you went to jail, period. They will find that out. Or one of their friends will find that out and then they will tell them. That's happening. That's coming."

• 56:15Dr. John Delony?

  "So if there's a big family secret, I recommend they hear it from you in doses that they can handle, at ages that they can handle it."

• 56:27Dr. John Delony?

  "Yeah, that's what I'll say. I don't want to over, I don't want to beat that to death. We'll call that is what it is."

• 56:35Dr. John Delony?

  "Yeah, tell your kids the truth. Don't overshare, but secrets will make their way to the surface in family systems. They always do. Love you guys. Bye."