Pod Insights The Dr. John Delony Show I Just Found Out I Have a 27-Year-Old Daughter About this episode On today’s episode, we hear about:
· A man who just found out he has an adult daughter
· A woman trying to evaluate her first relationship after getting divorced
· A couple undecided about if they should let an estranged family member back into their life
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Transcript Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:05 Speaker 00 Well, I recently found out through a family member who got to digging into ancestries and 23andMe and stuff like that, that I have a 28-year-old daughter that I've never met.
0:16 Dr. John Delony? Oh my goodness. You had no idea?
0:19 Speaker 00 No idea. None whatsoever.
0:28 Dr. John Delony? Yo, what's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls on your relationships, your mental and emotional health. I'm so glad that you're here. Real people going through real challenges all over the globe. Let's roll out to Tuscaloosa, Alabama and talk to Mark. What's up, Mark?
0:49 Speaker 00 Hello, Dr. John. How are you?
0:50 Dr. John Delony? I'm doing all right, my brother. How's things going?
0:54 Speaker 00 Ah, just living the dream. What about you?
0:57 Dr. John Delony? Anytime somebody says they're living the dream, they're for 100% not living the dream. It's fantastic. You guys still struggling after the big, uh, well, we won't talk about college football, but, all right, so what's going on?
1:10 Speaker 00 Oh, well, I recently found out through a family member who got to digging into ancestries and 23andMe and stuff like that, that I have a 28-year-old daughter that I've never met.
1:21 Dr. John Delony? Oh my goodness. You had no idea?
1:25 Speaker 00 No idea. None whatsoever.
1:30 Speaker 00 And, uh, one of my family members has met her and talked to her and, um, and she does not want to meet me at this moment and, um, and maybe never will. And I was just wondering how, you know, I might get through this if she doesn't, because, you know, I really hate the thought of anybody in the world hating me, you know, or not liking me. So, kind of a struggle.
1:55 Dr. John Delony? Wow. Who's the mother?
2:00 Speaker 00 Uh, just, you know, one of those, uh, 19, 20-year ago, one-night-stand quick things, you know?
2:12 Dr. John Delony? Man.
2:15 Dr. John Delony? So how old is this young'un? Twenty years old?
2:18 Speaker 00 Twenty-eight.
2:20 Dr. John Delony? So it wasn't nineteen or twenty years ago? It was twenty-eight years ago?
2:23 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just...
2:26 Dr. John Delony? Oh, okay, I got you. Twenty-nine years ago. Okay. Um, do you have, do you have biological kids?
2:33 Speaker 00 Yes.
2:33 Dr. John Delony? Okay. What are you feeling right now?
2:38 Speaker 00 Well, my, you know, my regular life, I feel pretty good. I have nothing, you know, nothing to complain about that. But, you know, just the thought of somebody, you know, thinking that I might be a bad person, you know, and not want to have anything to do with me because something somebody else might have, you know, said to them, you know?
2:56 Dr. John Delony? So I, I, I wouldn't want to meet you if that's, if that's what your concern was?
3:04 Speaker 00 Okay.
3:04 Dr. John Delony? And here's what I mean by that.
3:08 Dr. John Delony? Because you would be needing me to make you feel better.
3:14 Speaker 00 I accept.
3:14 Dr. John Delony? If you told me I have a daughter
3:20 Dr. John Delony? and my heart just expanded.
3:23 Speaker 00 It did. I promise you it did.
3:24 Dr. John Delony? I want to meet this person. I want to look in her eyes. I want to see what she looks like. I want to know all about her life. I didn't expect this and here we are and I missed thirty years and I got a lot of catching up to do. Then I would be all about that.
3:38 Speaker 00 Uh, well, I do because when I found out, you know, I felt like there was a piece, something missing for years and and, and I felt it, but I didn't know what it was. And soon as I found out, I promise you, I felt it, that.
3:53 Dr. John Delony? Have you reached out to her?
3:55 Speaker 00 Uh, no, I haven't. I don't know how to.
3:57 Dr. John Delony? Your family member won't give you the contact info?
4:01 Speaker 00 Uh, not at the moment, no.
4:03 Dr. John Delony? Why?
4:05 Speaker 00 I don't know.
4:06 Dr. John Delony? That's stupid.
4:08 Speaker 00 But, um, you know, I've done some digging and talked to other people. I do know where she's at, but I don't want to feel like, I don't want no, I don't, uh...
4:15 Dr. John Delony? Listen, bro.
4:17 Speaker 00 The stalkers, the stalkerish thing, you know?
4:19 Dr. John Delony? You're her dad.
4:21 Speaker 00 Just reach out to somebody out of nowhere, you know, "Hey, I'm your dad."
4:24 Dr. John Delony? Yes, yes. Yes. Well, give, give her, at least give her the chance to say that.
4:31 Speaker 00 Okay, so you think I should do that?
4:33 Dr. John Delony? Are you kidding me? Yes. And I, I would do it gently. Because this is probably a huge, clearly is a huge, okay, number one, I don't fully believe you're a family member.
4:50 Speaker 00 You don't believe that?
4:51 Dr. John Delony? I don't believe they talk.
4:52 Speaker 00 You don't mean?
4:53 Dr. John Delony? I, what kind of scummy family member wouldn't tell you, hey, here's how to get ahold of your daughter that you didn't know you had?
5:02 Dr. John Delony? What a control freak of a jerk. That's lame, man. I got, I, I'm mad on your behalf.
5:10 Dr. John Delony? That's, that's number one, but forget all that. Maybe, let's pretend this family member's telling the hundred percent truth.
5:16 Speaker 00 Yes.
5:16 Dr. John Delony? It don't matter. You know how to use the internet, you know how to call somebody, hire somebody for crying out loud, you have a daughter out there.
5:24 Speaker 00 Yes, I do, I'm like, so I know, I know where she's at.
5:26 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
5:27 Speaker 00 And I've, I've looked.
5:29 Dr. John Delony? I would start with a letter.
5:32 Dr. John Delony? And I would be as-
5:33 Speaker 00 But I, I do not, I do not have an address to send it to.
5:36 Dr. John Delony? I, I think go deliver it to a front door, dude.
5:39 Speaker 00 Well, I don't know exactly where she lives.
5:42 Dr. John Delony? Okay, then hire a private investigator, within 24 hours, you'll have all that information, it's gonna cost you fifteen hundred dollars.
5:47 Speaker 00 Okay, so, you don't think, you believe I need to reach out and not be scared to do it?
5:53 Dr. John Delony? Bro, this is your daughter. But if you go in there and say, hey, I just, the thought of you being mad at me, I just couldn't live with myself, then I would never, I wouldn't even acknowledge the letter.
6:06 Speaker 00 Right.
6:07 Dr. John Delony? If you sent a letter that said, I never, I just found out the wildest, most amazing news, I have a daughter that I haven't met for 30 years, I didn't even know you were here. We found out through 23andMe, I'm stunned, as you probably are, I don't know what stories you've heard about me, here's about my life, I feel like another chamber in my heart just opened up, and I got a little, feel like I got a lot of catching up to do, but I also realize this throws a huge grenade in your life, here's my contact info, here's my cellphone number, I don't know how to do this right, because I've never had this happen, so I don't want to smother you, I don't want, like, you see what I'm saying?
6:46 Speaker 00 Right, man, that's nothing, I, I just don't know how to, you know, how to do it.
6:50 Dr. John Delony? Lead with that.
6:53 Dr. John Delony? None of, I, no, no, there's not a roadmap for how do you say hello to a 30-year-old child of yours that you didn't even know you had, because you had a one-night stand, and your partner that you had a one-night stand with just didn't tell you?
7:05 Speaker 00 Right.
7:08 Dr. John Delony? And I would put clear in the letter, not trying to CYA already, but put in the letter, I had zero knowledge that you were around. And I would even go, if you can go back to the date, I had a one night stand.
7:20 Speaker 00 Oh, I know the date. I know where it happened.
7:22 Dr. John Delony? I'd put that in there. I had a one night stand and I've come to find out 30 years later that I've got a baby girl and my front door is wide open.
7:31 Speaker 00 Okay.
7:31 Dr. John Delony? And I also realize you have, you have your own life and if you don't want to talk to me, I understand. I'll be heartbroken, but I want to honor and respect you.
7:42 Speaker 00 But that's what I needed to hear. I just needed a little push because.
7:47 Dr. John Delony? What are you nervous about, man?
7:49 Speaker 00 Man, I'm always nervous about everything.
7:51 Dr. John Delony? How come?
7:54 Speaker 00 I know where my whole life.
7:59 Dr. John Delony? Are you nervous with your own kids?
8:02 Speaker 00 Oh, sometimes.
8:05 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
8:08 Dr. John Delony? It's okay to be nervous about stuff and be anxious about stuff. I'm that way. But if you need to today, Mark, do me a favor. How old are your kids?
8:19 Speaker 00 Uh, well, I've got a 22 year old son and another daughter that is 27.
8:28 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
8:32 Dr. John Delony? Call them today and say, hey, your old man's nervous. And I'm kind of an anxious guy, but there's one thing I'm not anxious about and that's how much I love you.
8:42 Speaker 00 Oh, I tell them all the time how much I love. They have no doubt, you know, how much I love them and my grandkids and.
8:50 Dr. John Delony? Do they know about this other person?
8:52 Speaker 00 Yes, they do know.
8:53 Dr. John Delony? What'd they say?
8:55 Speaker 00 Oh, they're tickled.
8:57 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
9:01 Dr. John Delony? They didn't say dang dad, getting around back in the day. Uh, well, that's what my wife said.
9:11 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, I, I, I, I'm just telling you, man, go storm the gates for that, for your daughter. Well, that's what I made you to hear. Thank you. Yeah, you betcha. Hey, will you do me a favor? If she reaches back out, will you holler and let us know? I sure will. Thank you. Let us know how it ends. And if you're on the other end, out here somewhere, and somebody knocks on your door, sends you a letter and says, I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm your sibling, I'm your dad.
9:43 Dr. John Delony? It blows up your life, I know, but consider reaching back out.
9:48 Dr. John Delony? This world needs more coming back together than it does anymore.
9:54 Dr. John Delony? Blowing up things and moving further apart. When we come back, we're gonna hear from a woman who's wondering if she's in a relationship that's real, or if it's just a booty call.
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12:52 Dr. John Delony? Court of Lane! Let's talk to Lee. What's up, Lee?
12:57 Speaker 02 Hey, John, I'm super, super excited to be talking to you.
13:01 Dr. John Delony? I'm excited to talk to you. What's going on?
13:04 Speaker 02 Well, before I get to the question, I do want to put a shout out there. You've been walking with me for the last two years as I navigated a divorce after 27 years, and my sister turned me on to your show. So, I just want to say thank you.
13:21 Dr. John Delony? Thanks for being with us. Sorry about your divorce.
13:24 Speaker 02 Well, you know, um, I'm a better me now, so.
13:27 Dr. John Delony? Awesome, awesome.
13:29 Speaker 02 Um, but I wanted to, I especially wanted to let your listeners know when you talk about treating it like a business transaction and when you talk about not talking bad about your ex to your kids, it, you're 100% accurate.
13:44 Dr. John Delony? Hmm.
13:45 Speaker 02 And so on this side of things, having done it that way, I don't have any messes to clean up. I have a great relationship with my kids. I've lost 80 pounds and I'm in some of the best physical, um, and mental wellbeing of my life at almost 50, well, 50 years old as of yesterday.
14:02 Dr. John Delony? Lee, you're a gangster, dude.
14:03 Speaker 02 It's, it's all due to you guys helping out, but my question is I-
14:09 Dr. John Delony? Hey, if you keep getting older, you're gonna be as old as Kelly one day. God, buddy.
14:13 Speaker 02 Well, you know, it's not a bad thing. I'm excited to be 50. I've been running around with fabulously 50 on my car, so.
14:20 Dr. John Delony? That's amazing. All right, so how can I help? What's up?
14:24 Speaker 02 Well, um, I kind of dipped my toe into the dating pool about six months ago, um, using an app, which was good and bad. Um, and it was an incredible six months and I feel like I, I, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I would, I grew a lot, um, but I found that when we had our times together, we shared weekends together, it was incredible, it was peaceful, there was great conversation, all of that. But then the in-between times, he would go completely silent. And I know you talk a lot about, um, behavior being a language and it just got to the place where after 30 days of not hearing at all from him, I decided to call it.
15:06 Speaker 02 And, um, that was very hard and I'm about a week out grieving all of that, but I just am struggling with, as a woman at my age, I feel great where I am in my own life, but I want to share life with someone and it's not easy to know how to do that.
15:23 Dr. John Delony? Yeah. So, so-
15:28 Dr. John Delony? Wait a minute, Lee. You said you dipped your toe in it. Sounded like you went all into it.
15:33 Speaker 02 It was pretty great.
15:36 Dr. John Delony? Okay, so what was it like being with somebody new after being with somebody for 27 years?
15:42 Speaker 02 Well, totally different than what I was used to. Um, he smelled so good, and I know that sounds weird, but he did. Um, I was married to a car guy. And so, just, yeah, he's totally different personality. He's very calm and secure in his life. He was 12 years older than me, which was also kinda weird. But, um...
16:06 Dr. John Delony? So, is he still married?
16:11 Speaker 02 This, the guy that I dated?
16:12 Dr. John Delony? Uh huh.
16:13 Speaker 02 No.
16:14 Dr. John Delony? What was he doing during the week?
16:15 Speaker 02 He had been divorced also.
16:16 Dr. John Delony? Where he wanted to avoid you?
16:18 Speaker 02 I don't know. Um, I really don't. We lived about 45 minutes apart, so, um, he, he's a monitor on a school bus, just as a way to hang on to benefits until he can retire from a very good job. Um, very, he was very secure financially, everything's paid for, and he has a good retirement account. So, it was everything that, you know, on paper you look for, um, especially later in life. And, but I don't know. I don't know why he went quiet. It could be that I was too much for him. Um, it could be that he wasn't really ready to commit to anything. I don't know.
17:00 Dr. John Delony? He committed to some pretty wild weekends with you.
17:07 Speaker 02 Low-key, but yes. Um, yeah, I mean, all we ever did was just kinda hang out together and watch TV and, and enjoy each other emotionally and physically, but, um...
17:19 Dr. John Delony? Ew, ew!
17:21 Speaker 02 I know. That was healing for me, though, 'cause I honestly thought I was broken for a really long time.
17:26 Dr. John Delony? No, I know, I know, I know. So, um, let me circle all the way back. What, what's your, what's your, what's your question?
17:37 Speaker 02 I guess I struggle with, um, I know it sounds weird, but I struggle with putting myself out there. I, I love people and I love meeting people. Um, and I have no problem on a, on a casual level, just like the girls at my coffee shop, they all knew me and I know them and, and all of that. But to take it to another level, other than using the dating app, I really would like to try something different. Um, and I just don't know where, where to do that.
18:11 Dr. John Delony? I think.
18:12 Speaker 02 I know.
18:13 Dr. John Delony? Wait, go ahead.
18:15 Speaker 02 I did see, I feel childish even, just asking the questions, but.
18:19 Dr. John Delony? Okay, why?
18:20 Speaker 02 I guess probably because.
18:21 Dr. John Delony? That's.
18:22 Speaker 02 I grew up in a religious culture that you did not date unless you absolutely planned on getting married and you didn't do that till you at least were out of high school and.
18:33 Dr. John Delony? Okay, you're 50. Let's just, let's just call that.
18:35 Speaker 02 I know.
18:36 Dr. John Delony? Let's just call it. Okay, you're free.
18:39 Speaker 02 Yeah.
18:39 Dr. John Delony? You're free. And.
18:42 Speaker 02 But I don't know how.
18:43 Dr. John Delony? I, I know you don't know how. And in a over-sexed dating culture that's just gone insane.
18:50 Speaker 02 Mm-hmm.
18:51 Dr. John Delony? You're gonna get yourself hurt. And you know that.
18:53 Speaker 02 Yes. Yes.
18:55 Dr. John Delony? And so there's a balance between, like, some guy has to call your dad and court you or whatever that wildness is and whatever.
19:05 Speaker 02 Right.
19:06 Dr. John Delony? And has to come over to your house in a covered wagon with a staff and be like, "I knock three times for four goats." Or what, I don't know what happens. Like, there's that. And then there's like, 50-year-old Lee, like, out here on Broadway in Nashville in a pedal tavern all by yourself in boots and like, short jean shorts, just going, "I'm fabulous and 50!" And you're just rocking it on to the break of dawn. There, there's a balance there too. Right?
19:31 Speaker 02 Yes.
19:32 Dr. John Delony? And so I think, and, can we just, can I like, be super direct?
19:37 Speaker 02 Yes.
19:37 Dr. John Delony? You kinda just got your heart broken.
19:40 Speaker 02 I did.
19:41 Dr. John Delony? You did. And so trying to fab 50 over that, that sucks.
19:46 Speaker 02 Yeah.
19:47 Dr. John Delony? You had a picture of, "I'm gonna be careful this time and I know what I'm looking for and I'm gonna date carefully." And you ended up hooking up with.
19:56 Dr. John Delony? Dan, the, the, the bus driver. And you became a weekend booty call. And you're like, no, we're, he has a retirement account.
20:06 Speaker 02 Yeah.
20:07 Dr. John Delony? And then he just ghosted you all week until he wanted some weekend, would you sit, call it emotional and physical, ugh. He smelled nice.
20:18 Dr. John Delony? Right? Okay. So here's the thing. Here's what I want you to do. Um, A, don't pretend that your way of navigating the world, which is kindness, laughter, and, um, ah, what's the right word? Bubbly-ness.
20:38 Dr. John Delony? That is both your way of navigating the world and that's both your way of protecting yourself from the world. Fair?
20:44 Speaker 02 Yes.
20:44 Dr. John Delony? You, you smile and things away, right?
20:50 Speaker 02 Uh, yeah, I have a tendency to put everyone else's needs first.
20:53 Dr. John Delony? That's right. And that's why I would love to hang out with you.
20:59 Dr. John Delony? Cause you're awesome. And I would leave feeling better about myself, which is cool.
21:05 Dr. John Delony? Right? It's both and. So I don't want you to pretend that your outgoingness and your kindness and your fun with the people at the coffee shop is the same thing as letting your heart get trampled by some guy for a quarter of a century.
21:22 Dr. John Delony? And then you decide to put yourself back out there. Those are two different things.
21:26 Speaker 02 Okay.
21:27 Dr. John Delony? Okay. I want you to, I want you to protect your heart with the seriousness that it deserves.
21:34 Dr. John Delony? And how do we do that? We're going to start with what, what are non-negotiables for me?
21:41 Dr. John Delony? And burning down your childhood will not give you peace.
21:45 Speaker 02 No, and I recognize that, yeah.
21:48 Dr. John Delony? Looking at your childhood and saying this, some of the stuff was nonsensical, some of the stuff was idiotic and some of the stuff I actually buy into now. I agree with it. And so saying, here's going to be my rules about sex. Here's going to be my rules about dating. If you don't call me in three days, I'm moving on. And I get to move on because I've been in, in unsafe relationships for a long time and I'm not doing that again.
22:12 Dr. John Delony? And I get to have my heart broken and I get to be sad and, and, and. Does that make sense?
22:17 Speaker 02 It does. It does. And I've, I've recognized a lot of that. I really kind of deconstructed the way that I was raised and brought it down to kind of the foundations of what I want to hold on to and what I want to let go of.
22:28 Dr. John Delony? Perfect. Perfect. And then I guess one big thing I've, I've heard at least, I wish it wasn't this way, but it still is, is that like the rules are all different now.
22:40 Speaker 02 Oh, man, they are.
22:41 Dr. John Delony? They're just all different. And so it might be that you gotta ask somebody out if you see them and like them.
22:49 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's kind of terrifying.
22:51 Dr. John Delony? I love, love, love that you're getting off the apps. I think they're catastrophic. I think they're such a disaster. But also then you're like, okay, what am I supposed to do? Just ask a stranger out in the coffee shop? Yes. Or where do you work? Do you work, Lee?
23:06 Speaker 02 I do. Um, I've been a massage therapist for the last 16 years.
23:10 Dr. John Delony? Okay, don't ask anybody out at work at all.
23:12 Speaker 02 No, no, no, no. It's unethical. Now I'm the director of education for a massage school, so.
23:18 Dr. John Delony? Okay. So is there a possibility to meet somebody at work?
23:22 Speaker 02 No.
23:23 Dr. John Delony? Not at all?
23:24 Speaker 02 Not at this school. No.
23:26 Dr. John Delony? Okay, not at this school. You answered that quickly, so I trust you. Um, it's, it's putting yourself in positions, whether it's at a local church, whether it's at the YMCA, whether it's at your local coffee shop, whether it's at, at your office, it places where you can meet people and you can have joint interests and you can say, hey, let's go get coffee.
23:46 Speaker 02 And I've been looking at things like cooking classes and, and, and different things that I think would be a lot of fun. I just, I'm a little limited in my area. It's a pretty small town.
23:57 Dr. John Delony? So go do it all.
23:59 Speaker 02 Yeah.
24:00 Dr. John Delony? And don't do it for, do it for Lee. Don't do it for some perceived ROI.
24:06 Speaker 02 Yeah.
24:07 Dr. John Delony? The, the most, the, the greatest dating advice I'm hearing on the streets these days is don't hit the streets looking for the right person. Hit the streets to make yourself the absolute best version of yourself possible.
24:22 Speaker 02 Hmm.
24:24 Dr. John Delony? Otherwise you end up squashing, you end up selling out, you end up compromising in ways that you don't like. You end up trying to become something you're not because your end goal is try to catch somebody.
24:36 Speaker 02 Yeah.
24:37 Dr. John Delony? The other side of that is knowing, dude, I'm, I am lovable as I am. I am malleable as, and I'm gonna make myself the best version of myself. What does that mean? I always wanna take cooking classes, I'm going. I always wanna take karate classes, I'm going. I always wanted, I'm gonna start volunteering at the library and reading to little kids, cuz I love watching them laugh.
24:55 Dr. John Delony? You see what I'm saying? And it's gonna feel like there's not an ROI on that. And when you're in those environments and you see somebody and y'all double take each other, one of you has to have the courage to say, hey, I think you're handsome. You go get coffee with me?
25:09 Speaker 02 Oh, that's a little daunting.
25:12 Dr. John Delony? Of course it is. Of course it is. It can't be, it cannot be more daunting than making out with a bus driver.
25:20 Speaker 02 Well, you know.
25:24 Dr. John Delony? Dude, I used to drive a bus, so I'm, I'm just joking, but.
25:27 Speaker 02 That, that wasn't his profession.
25:28 Dr. John Delony? I know, I'm just playing. Dude, I used to, I seriously, I used to drive a bus for extra money. I, I have high, high respect for bus drivers. But, oh, here's the thing. A hundred percent of your next steps are gonna be awkward and they're gonna be full of risk. Period.
25:42 Speaker 02 Yeah.
25:42 Dr. John Delony? All of them. And so, do you wanna risk? This, what I'm about to say is gonna sound harsh, okay? And I know that. I'm kinda being provocative, but. Do you wanna risk being seventy?
25:56 Dr. John Delony? And alone? With a story that? I didn't, I didn't, I just didn't wanna be awkward?
26:05 Dr. John Delony? Or do you wanna take a shot at having some adventures? With a cooking class and starting a mowing, a lawn mowing business and? I'm just making stuff up, but like, I don't know. It'd be hilarious to be the massage, massage and lawns, or whatever, I don't know. But like, like, do you wanna get out there and live this wild fun life? Cuz you only get one shot. And? I'm gonna put myself out there. I'm gonna ask you out. And I'd rather be seventy and be like, dude, I asked out everybody and they all said, no, I hate men. Then I would join you in that.
26:41 Dr. John Delony? But my, my, my belief is, if you're putting yourself in these situations at fifty, you don't have any kids, you can go do stuff on weekends, you can go have some fun, you can go have these amazing things. Amazing life-giving moments, that that's where you're gonna meet, make, make eye contact with somebody. And that's when one of you has to have the courage. And at this point, it's probably gonna be you.
27:00 Speaker 02 Yeah.
27:02 Dr. John Delony? I wish that wasn't the case, but I think that's gonna be the way it is.
27:06 Speaker 02 Well, and I want that. I want to be able to grow that way. I've spent the last two years really exploring my own boundaries in living, I guess you could say.
27:17 Dr. John Delony? Absolutely.
27:19 Speaker 02 And enjoyed broadening my horizons and everything. That one still makes me pretty nervous.
27:27 Dr. John Delony? Yes. Let that ner- there would be something weird with you if you weren't nervous. I'm nervous for you. Like, I'm cheering for you so hard, but I'm nervous too. Like, oh, gosh, I hope she doesn't ask somebody out and he's mean to her. Like, I'm nervous for you too.
27:43 Speaker 02 Yeah.
27:45 Dr. John Delony? But what are you more nervous about? It's just choose your heart. It's really hard to be 50 and want to have a companion just ride or die and to not have one. That's really hard. And it's really hard to go take a cooking class by yourself and sign up for hot yoga by yourself and to see somebody and say, hey, would you like to go get a drink? That's hard, too. Both of those paths are hard. The question is, which heart are you going to choose?
28:16 Speaker 02 Yeah.
28:18 Dr. John Delony? And the hardest of all these things is really saying, this is who I want to be in my back half of my life, values-wise, and I'm not going to budge from these. And then here's some of my beliefs, and I would love to have them challenged by somebody new and exciting.
28:33 Speaker 02 Mm-hmm.
28:35 Dr. John Delony? Does that make sense?
28:36 Speaker 02 It does.
28:37 Dr. John Delony? Can I tell you, I'm rooting for you so, so much.
28:40 Speaker 02 Thank you.
28:41 Dr. John Delony? Oh, my gosh, Lee, I'm rooting for you. You have to, have to call us. You have to call us when you get some magic date. I can't wait. I'm excited for you. But write down those things that you believe and those things that you value. Sign up for a few cool things, a couple of cool classes. And by the way, take a woodshop class, I don't know, or pottery. Remember Ghost? Kelly is always singing that song. Oh, my. We're like, Kelly, we get it. We get. Actually, you've never sang that song. No. But she does walk around and be like, you guys want to make pottery?
29:23 Dr. John Delony? Oh my gosh. Lee, you're my hero, dude. I love you. All right, next, we hear from a man who received a letter from his mom after two and a half years of them not talking. We'll be right back.
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30:19 Dr. John Delony? set everything on fire. You just mix Organifi's superfood blends with water, and you're good to go. For me, it's green juice in the morning for focus, red juice in the morning and the afternoon for clean energy without the crash, and I love my happy drops to boost my mood, and the She La Jit gummies that help me feel like a laser beam. Look, most people don't have to overhaul their entire life to start feeling better. You just have to listen to your body and start making some small daily choices. And you can start with my friends at Organifi. Go to organifi.com/Deloney and use code DELONY to save 20% off. That's 20% off with code DELONY at organifi, O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I, dot com slash DELONY.
31:04 Dr. John Delony? Evansville, Indiana. Let's talk to Louis. What's up, Louis? Hey, how's it going? Dude, rocking on to the break it down, brother. What's up with you?
31:13 Speaker 03 Sitting in a parking lot outside a factory talking to you.
31:16 Dr. John Delony? That's not creepy at all. Not at all.
31:19 Speaker 03 Not at all.
31:20 Dr. John Delony? What's up, man?
31:22 Speaker 03 Um, so I'll just jump into it. It's, um, it was a little over two and a half years ago when I last had any significant communication with either one of my parents. Um, and it was, um, about three, four weeks ago now that I got a letter kind of out of the blue from my mom just saying, hey, what have I done? Can, um, I, I, I want to talk to you and is it okay if I reach out and talk to your daughter? Um, so it's her granddaughter that, I mean, nobody in the family's had any communication with my parents for, like I said, two and a half years.
31:53 Dr. John Delony? What happened?
31:55 Speaker 03 Um, it was, uh, it was a long time coming. So I was one of the guys that, that makes you mad. Um, when he doesn't stand up to his parents and just kind of is just kind of like going along, trying to keep everybody happy, letting my wife take the brunt of it. That was me for the first, and I've been married now for a little over 20 years.
32:15 Dr. John Delony? So she beat up your wife a lot, was never approving?
32:18 Speaker 03 Oh yeah, it was, I mean, what, before we even got married, she made the statement, one of these days, um, your wife's gonna come between us. Um, and it was just, yeah, it was, it was, it was bad, but.
32:33 Dr. John Delony? My, my mom on the other hand said, hey, if you, y'all ever break up, we're, we're, she's moving in with us. You're on your own. So yeah, very, very good.
32:42 Speaker 03 Damn, dude, wow.
32:44 Dr. John Delony? So what, what was the big event? Something happened two and a half years ago that you just said, we're done?
32:49 Speaker 03 Yeah, it finally came to a head. So my parents live about 13 hours from us. They'd come down to visit. Um, cause they do that every once in a while. So they came down to visit and then, um, we were, they came to a show. Um, my, my, my wife and my mom, um, at that point in time had almost no communication. Um, my wife was like cordial, saying hi, and that was about it. Because she was sick and tired of being ripped apart. We were trying to just like get along for the sake of, I don't even know what at this point. But they came down, watched a show, then went to, um, an archery tournament with, um, that my daughter was shooting in. My wife and son were sitting in the bleachers and my mom was cheering for my daughter. Well,
33:30 Speaker 03 the way they shoot archery in this particular event is quiet. So my son just looked over and said, hey, Nana, we, we don't cheer. It needs to be quiet while they're shooting. So my mom thought my thought my wife put my son up to saying something and she got mad. And she powdered and sulked and just made everything really like awkward. Then the next day we had a soccer game my son was in. And my mom sat on the sidelines crocheting and knitting for the entire game, didn't even didn't even look up once. Game was over, they were getting ready to leave. Um, and my son came off the field and he came off crying and I'm like, what's wrong? And he said, Nan didn't even pay attention, she doesn't even care. Um, and it was building that, um, my mom played favorites.
34:15 Speaker 03 My daughter was the favorite and since my son was on the spectrum, man, she couldn't communicate with him comfortably. So she just kind of didn't. Um, and everybody in the family saw it, so and and I let it go. So I got on that one, I let it go, but it got it came to a head that day and I just walked up to him and I said, before we try and say this goodbye, we gotta talk because my son's really upset. And at which point in time, she's like, well, what do we do? And I said, well, this is what happened and she goes, I don't need this F and crap. Got in the car, slammed the door. Um, and then they drove away. Couple of days later, I tried to have a phone conversation with my dad. Um, and all he did was yell at me and tell me how much of a problem my wife is and how horrible of a person I am.
35:02 Speaker 03 So I backed away from that conversation and just I ended up sending him an email saying, listen, if we're gonna go forward, we need help. Um, we need to get somebody, we need to get professional, we need to get a professional involved because we can't talk this out on our own. His response was, well, if you can't talk to me, a counselor's not gonna do any good because I'm asking you the same questions they are. And I just said, that's what it's gotta be. And the last message I got from him was have a good life.
35:28 Dr. John Delony? Dude, I'm sorry, man.
35:35 Speaker 03 I mean, on a positive note, the past two and a half years.
35:38 Dr. John Delony? They've been amazing, huh?
35:40 Speaker 03 Absolutely freaking amazing.
35:42 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
35:42 Speaker 03 I mean, I've been in therapy for a year and a half and my wife and I, I mean, we're finally building our marriage because her parents aren't any better. We haven't had any communication with them in close to a decade after my father-in-law threatened to kill me.
35:58 Speaker 03 So it's just us on an island. And.
36:03 Dr. John Delony? Can we all just call out it's not supposed to be like that?
36:06 Speaker 03 Yeah. I didn't realize it until recently.
36:09 Dr. John Delony? Yeah. And can we also be honest, just son to son and guy to guy? God almighty, it'd be awesome if your dad picked up the phone and just said, hey, I see that you're raising an amazing daughter and special needs son. I'm really freaking proud of you.
36:27 Speaker 03 That'd be great, but that call will never come. I can't wait for it.
36:30 Dr. John Delony? No, I know, I know, I know, I know.
36:34 Dr. John Delony? I know.
36:37 Dr. John Delony? But it's both and, right?
36:39 Speaker 03 Yeah.
36:39 Dr. John Delony? Like, it's been, it hasn't been a great couple of years. It's been a drama-free couple of years, which at the, right now feels great.
36:48 Speaker 03 I would agree with that.
36:52 Dr. John Delony? I hate this for you, dude.
36:55 Dr. John Delony? So what did your mom's letter say?
36:57 Speaker 03 Um, it just said, hey, I've been going through feeling like I've lost my son.
37:04 Dr. John Delony? She, she did?
37:05 Speaker 03 Yeah, absolutely.
37:07 Dr. John Delony? She did, 100%.
37:08 Speaker 03 But, but she also wanted to say, I don't, I don't know what happened. I don't know what we've done. I've tried to ask your dad and he won't talk about it.
37:16 Dr. John Delony? I would forward the email that he sent back.
37:20 Speaker 03 Okay.
37:21 Dr. John Delony? Well, I, I, let me say two things. One, you do not have to have a conversation.
37:27 Speaker 03 And that's what I've been even debating on.
37:30 Dr. John Delony? I have a rule in my life that I only have conversations like this with people who can hear them.
37:38 Dr. John Delony? And I only speak to when I can be heard. I don't speak to just have spoken. That's why like when, when life, when like events happen in the world, I don't comment on this show very much because people can't hear it. They don't want to hear, they don't want to hear an opposing side or they just want to mine what you just said for, are you on my team? Do you hate the right people? That's why I avoid it all. And so-
38:00 Speaker 03 Yeah, I've been, I learned that from you and I've been, I've been, I've been actually implementing that in my life and it's, it's been, it's been good.
38:06 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, nobody cares. Like-
38:08 Speaker 03 Right.
38:08 Dr. John Delony? Like, I don't want to speak just so I can be like, I was on this team now, unless it's some like grave injustice and then I'll speak my mind on it. But I, yeah. So if you don't think they can hear you, the fact that she's saying, I don't know what happened. I feel like I lost my son. Like, yeah. You told me to F off and you closed the door and drove away. And then when I called back out, dad told me to have a good life. Yes, you lost your son. You told me to leave. Like directly, not even behaviors of language. Like you told me to leave.
38:42 Dr. John Delony? And so if, if there's some, like, if there was a letter that was like, oh my gosh, I realized I pit you against your wife. I was wrong. Like, I realized X, like, I messed this up and I want to start from scra, from ground zero. I would honor that. I would. And I might be a sucker, but I would honor that. But even just you telling me what that letter says is more of like a backwards, like, I don't know what happened. I just don't know what happened. And my guess is that's kind of her move for your whole life.
39:14 Speaker 03 Oh, absolutely.
39:14 Dr. John Delony? She throws a grenade and she's like, what?
39:18 Speaker 03 Oh, that was it?
39:20 Dr. John Delony? Yeah. Like, she tells you your wife, and that's just gaslight 101, right?
39:25 Speaker 03 Uh, I realize that now. Yeah.
39:27 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, well, yeah.
39:29 Speaker 03 It was, I mean, I thought I had a normal childhood, but yeah. Um, a year and a half of therapy is kind of opening my-
39:36 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, there's nothing better than a therapist that goes, hey, that's not supposed to happen like that. And you're like, oh, thank God. Really? Yeah. I, dude, I-
39:48 Dr. John Delony? It's your call.
39:51 Dr. John Delony? Based on that letter, I don't, I'm not super optimistic.
39:55 Dr. John Delony? If you want it-
39:56 Speaker 03 Neither was I. Because, I mean, she, the thing is, it didn't say anything about my wife or my son. It literally was, "I, I, I feel like I've lost my son and can I talk to my granddaughter?"
40:07 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
40:08 Speaker 03 I talked to my, I talked to my daughter about it and she's like, uh, she's gonna have to like apologize to everybody before I'm interested in talking to her.
40:18 Dr. John Delony? How old is your daughter?
40:20 Speaker 03 My daughter's 19.
40:21 Dr. John Delony? Okay, so she's old enough, yeah, she gets it.
40:23 Speaker 03 Yeah, she, yeah, she's 19, my son's 16.
40:26 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, and I bet she's a fierce defender of him too, isn't she?
40:29 Speaker 03 Uh, yeah, yeah, you don't, you don't, you don't mess with her brother.
40:32 Dr. John Delony? I freaking, dude, can I tell you, one of my favorite people on the planet is older siblings or younger siblings with a special need brothers and sisters that are just walking around with a knife saying, "I dare you, I dare you." Dude, I love that. Good for her, man. Like, "Hey, yeah, grandma, if you want, if you want to be my friend, you're gonna have to say sorry to my brother." Uh, that's awesome. It, it, and it's not helpful and it's not respectful, but it's awesome. You get, you get the difference.
40:58 Speaker 03 Oh, absolutely.
41:03 Dr. John Delony? Here's the thing I want you to be weary of, and I can't, I can't tell you what to do. I can tell you in this situation, I probably would not reach back out because it's the same old, same old. And even that, even that hint of, "I feel like I've lost my own kid," is making it your fault.
41:20 Dr. John Delony? And I don't know what I did-
41:21 Speaker 03 It's always been my fault.
41:22 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, exactly. And so the thing I just want you to be weary of is no matter how much healing you do,
41:31 Dr. John Delony? the fantasy of that phone call coming is always gonna be there. There will always be a seat at your table for one of those demons saying, "But maybe this is the call."
41:42 Dr. John Delony? And it's simply not gonna come.
41:48 Dr. John Delony? And if you've listened to this show for more than five minutes, you know I believe in redemption and people changing more than anybody else, that call's not gonna come.
41:58 Dr. John Delony? Yeah. And so the fantasy, you want it to be an olive branch so bad. And let's be honest, dude, nobody likes the thought of their mom just hanging out to dry, sitting at home. Of course she misses her son and I feel bad about that.
42:16 Dr. John Delony? But it's not your job to circle back and become a Xanax for her.
42:25 Dr. John Delony? You've been making her feel okay for your whole life. It's just not your job, it's her job. Yeah.
42:32 Dr. John Delony? I don't know, man.
42:35 Dr. John Delony? That's the best I can give you, man. I'll support you whatever you want to do. I think just the fair and honest and right thing, both for your wife, for your daughter and your son, and then for your parents. And nobody's going to take my decision to treat people with dignity and respect, even if they don't respect me back.
42:59 Dr. John Delony? Is if you do reach back out, with that communication comes a roadmap. Here's what must be true for us to have a relationship. And if you want to take these steps, my front door is open. And if you don't, then you're choosing with your actions, with your behavior, to not be in a relationship with us.
43:17 Dr. John Delony? And that's what that's going to be.
43:21 Dr. John Delony? Golly, it breaks my heart. I'm so sick of families breaking up.
43:29 Dr. John Delony? It just breaks my heart, man.
43:33 Dr. John Delony? When we come back, I'll answer one of your money and marriage questions. We'll be right back.
43:39 Dr. John Delony? Father's Day is coming and no one wants another tie. If you're thinking of giving your dad, or the dad in your life, some gear that will change his life for the better, let me tell you about Cozy Earth. Cozy Earth has changed my life. I can't wait to get into bed because they make amazing sheets and bedding. And I can't wait to get in and out of the shower because they make the greatest towels and bath linens ever in the history of the planet. They're the size of a comforter and they stay. Soft even when you wash them with the wrong towels. And I didn't even know that was a thing until my wife told me, but I did it. And the Cozy Earth towels survived. And I've come to love my Cozy Earth sweat joggers, tees and lounge gear. They're soft and breathable and durable.
44:22 Dr. John Delony? And my teenage son has started stealing my shirts and hoodies. They are that comfortable. Make this a Father's Day to remember. No more ties and no more white button up dress shirts. This year, give the dad or father in your life the gift of comfort with Cozy Earth. Go to cozylearth.com/daloney and use code DALONY to get 40% off. That's cozylearth.com/daloney with code DALONY.
44:49 Dr. John Delony? All right. Hey friends, listen, big announcement. Me and Rachel Cruz, Rachel Cruz and I, that's the way to say that. Rachel Cruz and I are hosting another Money and Marriage Getaway over Valentine's Day weekend 2026. All new stuff. In fact, we were just talking through it the other day and it's going to be off the rails. It's a weekend here in Nashville. It's two and a half days. You pack up, you get some babysitters and you fly across the country or you drive. And you spend a whole weekend with me, Rachel Cruz, some special guests, some fun friends of ours, some neighbors, some musicians and comedians, whoever shows up here. And when you're in Nashville, you never know who's going to pop in here. The past Valentine's Getaway sold out completely.
45:33 Dr. John Delony? Every time we add a new date, the thing sells out. It's going to be February 12th through the 24th, 2026. And I know it's opened this thing really early. It's like, dude, that's like pretty much next year. We know that, but it just sells out so fast. And so if you've got birthdays coming up, if you've got summer vacation stuff and you're not going to be able to go and you just want to buy tickets, or if you already want to get Christmas presents early, February 12th through the 14th, put on your calendar 2026. Early bird tickets are 749 bucks. Prices will go up, so get your tickets now. Two and a half days in Nashville, Tennessee. It's going to be, it's just so great. It's so fun, man. All right, here's the Money and Marriage question. At Money Marriage, one of the cool things is you get access to me and Rachel, tons and tons of Q and As,
46:18 Dr. John Delony? so that you leave with your questions answered. And we have some anonymous boxes in case the question you want to ask is pretty tough. Although some people ask us some pretty direct questions, just, just live. Have you, you heard some of the, some of the questions people ask, just stand up there and ask, "Should we circumcise our son?" Should we, you're like, "Okay, guess we're doing this, guess we're doing this one."
46:40 Speaker 04 Yeah, people ask some questions that I'm glad that they feel comfortable enough to ask, but that I was shocked to find out that they were asking them just in front of everybody. But that says a lot, that they're comfortable enough in the room, and that's pretty awesome.
46:52 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, we do work pretty hard to make it a comfortable place for people just to drop their shoulders a little bit. All right, here's a question. "Can you provide some tools to help my wife when she feels like a burden?" Sheesh, this is a really big question because
47:14 Dr. John Delony? it could be all over the map. Somebody could be struggling with major depressi- depression, someone could be struggling with catastrophic anxiety, it could be all kinds of things people are wrestling with. They could be struggling with some sort of addiction disorder, any number of things going on with somebody. And so they know every time they walk into a room that everyone has to bend their world to make space for them. So that's, that's number one. Number two, and this is the one I'll, I'll spend most of the time on.
47:44 Dr. John Delony? Maybe your wife has just learned, "I'm not gonna ask for help because he rolls his eyes." "I'm not gonna ask for help because he goes,
47:53 Dr. John Delony? "I'm not gonna ask for help because he's always coming in talking about how tired he is and exhausted he is, "and everybody at work is just always nagging him, and then he plops down on the couch and grabs a beer, "and turns the TV on, or he just sits there on his phone, or he disappears into the bathroom for a 45-minute pseudo dump, "even though he's, no human can go to the bathroom for 45 straight minutes. "There's just not that much chachalot, your small intestine's not that big." But they just go hide, inside their own house, inside their own bathroom. And that a wife just learns,
48:22 Dr. John Delony? "His life would be better if I just left him alone," which over time becomes, I feel like, a burden. Or it may be that she doesn't want to reach out to friends for help, or she doesn't want to go to a counselor because we're, money's tight right now, and, and, and, and. All of this stuff is this idea that The world would be better off without me. Almost always, this is a story that comes from childhood. When a parent said, "My gosh, this is so expensive. My life was so fun when you weren't here. You have any idea how much fun we had before you were born? Do you know how expensive college is? You're wasting my time. I cannot believe you didn't make straight A's." It's some kind of story that somebody learns early on, that their role is to make sure everybody else is okay.
49:07 Dr. John Delony? Their role is to just put their head down and get small. And then when you become a spouse, a wife, or a husband, then you're carrying half the weight of this family. And in fact, you're never carrying half the weight. Sometimes you're carrying 20% and that's all you got. Sometimes you're carrying 80% because just of the season you're in. And you feel like, "I just, it would be better if I just disappeared here." And so, a couple of things I've learned is to not address the burdensomeness head-on. That's for a therapist. And so if you are struggling with addiction, if you're struggling with depression, if you're thinking about hurting yourself, you gotta go call somebody. And if you're married to somebody who's struggling with those things and they won't make that call, you gotta make that call. Be willing to risk short-term chaos in your relationship for somebody still being alive,
49:52 Dr. John Delony? for somebody getting the psychiatric help that they desperately, desperately need. Beneath that, here's a couple of ways we're gonna quote-unquote "practice" teaching somebody they're not a burden. And we're actually building out a marriage app, just basically for this thing. It's gonna be amazing. It actually is amazing. I've got the beta on my phone right now. It's really amazing. But it just starts with a simple, "Hey, how can I love you today? Oh, don't do it. No, no, no. I'm gonna do one thing, and I'm gonna pick it, but I would really love it if it was something that would really help you out." And if you make this a regular practice, you put it in your phone, you do it every single day. "Hey, how can I love you today? What's your picture of tonight look like? Well, I've gotta go to the store and I've gotta do this.
50:37 Dr. John Delony? Let me go to the store for you." "No, no, no, no, no, no, no." All right, here's the deal. I'm going to the store. I'm gonna take a picture from the Kroger or Publix parking lot, and I'm gonna send it to you. And I'm gonna go in there and shop. And you know what happens when I buy groceries with just me. Send me a list, because I'm gonna stop by and go...
50:54 Dr. John Delony? And you walk in the door, even though you're exhausted from work, even though you're working overtime and you're fried, even though you've got so much going on, your mom's giving you drama and your sisters, you walk with a smile on your face and you're like, "I'm home." Sometimes it's just turning on music in the car and singing really loud while you pull in the driveway. Sometimes that's just saying a quick prayer. Sometimes that's using the Hallow meditation app. Whatever you gotta do to walk in the door so that you can, "I'm here and I got the groceries." Guess what else I got? Dinner? Guess what else I got? Flowers? Here's the third thing you can do. So that's what's your picture of tonight look like? And how can I participate in this? How can I love you today? And then the third thing is constantly,
51:35 Dr. John Delony? and this is the one time that love language stuff, normal stuff makes my eyes roll out the back of my head, but doing things on a regular basis with joy in a language that your partner can hear it and absorb it. So if gifts is the language, I'm just gonna grab a flower. I'm gonna grab a little trinket from the office. I'm gonna get two Reese's Pieces cups out of the jar on the way out of the office. I'm gonna take them home and drop them down. I'm gonna constantly do these little drips of, "I see you, and I love you, and I see you, and I love you." And then the last one, the fourth one is SOS, skin-on-skin contact. "Hey honey, can I have a 30-second hug before we go to work?" Your nervous system calms my nervous system.
52:19 Dr. John Delony? "Hey honey, will you put your hands on my face?
52:23 Dr. John Delony? And just look at me for a second?" It makes all the trouble in the world go away. What you're doing is you're asking somebody to borrow a little piece of themselves for you, and over time, the story, the narrative of, "I'm a burden, they would be better off without me", it withers away. Because in real time, they're seeing their husband, get 30 seconds of just a hug, and his shoulders drop and his whole body kinda goes.
52:50 Dr. John Delony? And so you can't say, "The world would be better if I wasn't around," because it's not. I feel how I'm bringing him peace in the world. So that's a few things. If your wife feels like a burden, the first place I would go is to the mirror. How am I contributing to this? If you're like, "Dude, I'm not, I'm not." Cool, then maybe we need to get some professional help. Maybe you need to say, "Hey, would you come to a marriage counselor with me? I want to be the best husband I can be. You're amazing, and I want to match this, and I'm just out of skills. And I'd love to be really good at this." And ask them to come along with you. So that's a couple of things you could try there. There's so much underneath the question. Somebody feels like a burden, and it can be borderline or fully suicidal, or it could just be, "I don't like talking to you because you're annoying." And there's a big spectrum there.
53:34 Dr. John Delony? So hopefully some of those tools helped. Thanks for loving your partner well. Peace.
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