My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me

On today’s episode, we hear about: · A woman wondering if it’s too late to save her marriage · A wife looking for ways to be a more spontaneous parent · A husband reconsidering the vision he has for his family Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi. 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  We had an argument Friday and it escalated and there was some physical abuse, I guess you would say. He had pushed me back onto the couch and he had put his hands around my neck.

• 0:18Dr. John Delony?

  Or let me put it this way, what he did was bratty. What you did was annoying. What he did was a crime.

• 0:28Dr. John Delony?

  Yo, yo, what's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad that you are with us talking about your mental and emotional health and your marriages and your kids and your relationships, whatever else you got going on in your life. So glad that you're here. So glad that you're here. If you want to be on the show, if you've got some stuff going on in your life, here's my promise, I'll sit with you. Pull up a seat, pull up a stool and we'll have a drink, grab some nachos and we'll figure out what's the next right move in your life. Go to John Deloney, D E L O N Y, go to JohnDeloney.com/ask and you can type away, fill in the form and maybe even ChatGPT will write it for you.

• 1:10Dr. John Delony?

  You can put it in the form and ship it off and then we'll give you a buzz and have you on the show. And yes, I get calls, I mean, I get direct messages. We take calls from all over the planet. So if you're in some other country somewhere, I'm glad that you're in our gang and glad that you're with us and I'd love to have you on. All right, let's go down the road, a couple hours to Knoxville, Tennessee and talk to Elizabeth. Hey, Elizabeth, what's up?

• 1:34Speaker 00

  Hey, Dr. John, how are you?

• 1:36Dr. John Delony?

  I'm good, lady. What's up, ma'am?

• 1:38Speaker 00

  Um, so it's kind of a difficult thing to talk about. So excuse me if I get emotional.

• 1:46Dr. John Delony?

  Hey, listen, you can get as emotional as you want, go slow as you want and only say what you want it to, okay?

• 1:52Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 1:54Dr. John Delony?

  Same team.

• 1:54Speaker 00

  So I'll just give some backstory. Me and my husband met in 2023 in February. We got married in November. We found out we were having a baby in December. So fast forward, our son is now seven months old and it's been really rocky. We had an argument Friday and it escalated and there was some physical.

• 2:21Speaker 00

  Abuse, I guess you would say. Um, he was charged with aggravated assault against me and is now in jail. And I'm, I'm torn between like leaving or staying. Like I feel guilty. I feel like I'm kind of ruining his life. Um, so I don't really know where to go or what to do.

• 2:43Dr. John Delony?

  I'm sorry.

• 2:46Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 2:47Dr. John Delony?

  That's not how this is supposed to go.

• 2:49Speaker 00

  No.

• 2:51Dr. John Delony?

  Um, so let me, let me make sure. I'm gonna, I'm gonna read back to you what I got in my mind and make sure I'm hearing you right. Okay.

• 2:58Speaker 00

  Um. Okay.

• 2:59Dr. John Delony?

  You met this guy a couple of years ago. Y'all fell in love pretty hard, pretty fast. How old are you?

• 3:05Speaker 00

  We're about 25.

• 3:06Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So still kind of young, but you're going for it. Y'all got married and then I guess y'all, you got pregnant on your honeymoon and

• 3:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:15Dr. John Delony?

  then um, you have a seven month old and since you've been married, your husband's, I didn't get the game. He's playing too much, playing video games all the time. Tell me more about that.

• 3:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was, so he struggled really hard. Like when uh, I first had my son, so he'd become really distant, um, to the point where he would pull all nighters playing a video game. He would go to work on no sleep or

• 3:39Dr. John Delony?

  He just ignored you guys? No help with the bottles, no help with the diapers, bedtimes, nothing?

• 3:43Speaker 00

  Yeah. My son was nearly three months old and he hadn't even washed a bottle yet. He would watch them, but he would like lay them in the bathroom beside him and like put his headphones on and just kind of listen for him to cry.

• 3:56Dr. John Delony?

  Oh God. So did he do this before the baby was born or while you were pregnant?

• 4:01Speaker 00

  He, he played games, um, he's played games the whole time I've known him, but it wasn't to this extent.

• 4:11Speaker 00

  So it just kinda got worse.

• 4:13Dr. John Delony?

  So tell me, tell me what happened the night it escalated?

• 4:17Speaker 00

  So earlier that night, um, he wanted to have sex and uh, declined and um, so we kinda got arguing about that and then he went to play his game.

• 4:30Dr. John Delony?

  How did, how did the argument go?

• 4:33Speaker 00

  It was like, he was, I was, we were actually laying down to watch a movie and I was falling asleep and he was like trying to wake me up to have sex. And I told, I got aggravated and I told him like, I'm trying to fall asleep, like I've been working, like I wanna get some rest and he's like, you know, well you told me like, I could wake you up sometime and be spontaneous and I was like, yeah, like after I've had a rest, not like when I'm falling asleep and it just kind of turned into like, I don't know, he started making me feel like I don't care about him and, and it was like, like I was going back on my word or something and it was like a big misunderstanding that way, um.

• 5:14Dr. John Delony?

  So then he gets up, he, he's throwing like a major league two-year-old tantrum, but he's in a twenty-five-year-old man's body and then he gets up to go play his video games?

• 5:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, so, um, right after that argument, I went outside to like just breathe, um, because our arguments have escalated and I'm just kind of, I just kinda exit and I'm like.

• 5:38Dr. John Delony?

  Are you cursing at each other? You swear? I mean, y'all pushing each other?

• 5:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:41Dr. John Delony?

  What's, what's, give me, give me an example of a fight.

• 5:45Speaker 00

  So there'll be a lot of, um, a lot of yelling, a lot of cursing, um, it's not always physical, like it has been before, but not to this extent.

• 5:57Dr. John Delony?

  Paint me a picture of physical, like what, what does that look like?

• 6:00Speaker 00

  Like, there was an argument where he had taken our son, um, right before I was about to shower with him and was like trying to get me to talk to him, like he was using my kid, he knew I was about to getting to like bathe my son and um. I'm trying to grab my kid and he's like pushing me, like pushing me back and like we're just arguing over it and

• 6:26Dr. John Delony?

  So, so let me paint this picture because it's, and I'm asking these questions on purpose because I'm getting to, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm walking along a path that I don't normally walk with a collar. So that's why I'm being a little bit more specific than I usually am. Okay.

• 6:38Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 6:39Dr. John Delony?

  I'm not just being nosey. I'm actually, I'm going somewhere. Okay.

• 6:42Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 6:43Dr. John Delony?

  So I'm painting a picture, or you're painting a picture of me of a mom who doesn't have any clothes on, who's getting into the shower, carrying her newborn. He grabs the baby. You're standing in and half in and half out of the shower. You don't have any clothes on and he's shoving you saying, you're going to come talk to me?

• 7:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, he had carried the child into his bedroom, or carried our child into the bedroom. And he's like, well, I'm going to change a stopper. And I'm like, like I'm taking this stopper off the shower. And then it's like, and he had later admitted that he was using our son.

• 7:19Dr. John Delony?

  Of course. But, but there's, there's a particular, there's a particular, and the reason the picture of this moment, and I know it's, it's a little bit of a graphic moment. I don't want all of these people who listen to the show, I'm not trying to imagine who you are and you naked in the shower. So that's not the point.

• 7:33Speaker 00

  Wrong.

• 7:33Dr. John Delony?

  The point here is

• 7:36Dr. John Delony?

  there's a very particular kind of man who will go after a woman in extreme levels of vulnerability.

• 7:45Dr. John Delony?

  And a woman who's unclothed, holding her baby or trying to get her baby in a unsafe, a slippery, unsafe situation, shower.

• 7:54Dr. John Delony?

  And a guy that will, will use that moment to exert

• 7:59Dr. John Delony?

  some kind of power or that will take a kid and use that kid, right? Weaponize it, their baby. That's a different level of degenerate in my book.

• 8:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:11Dr. John Delony?

  You see what I'm saying? That's different than couples who fight, couples who yell, like we'll get through that kind of stuff. But this, I'm just trying to, I'm trying to get you through action to paint me a picture of how this guy responds over and over again. And that's a very particular type of cruel, very immature man.

• 8:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, it gets really confusing because there's some times where, like right before the, the aggravated assault charge, like I would come to him with something and he would be really calm. And I'm like, so now I'm just confused.

• 8:43Dr. John Delony?

  Well, it's when he doesn't get what he wants. He goes to a, he instantly becomes a toddler. And if he feels powerful, like you saying, "Hey, can you help me with this?" Or, "Do you have an answer for me?" And he's got a utility, then that feeds his ego.

• 8:58Dr. John Delony?

  But the moment he doesn't get what he wants, and you're an object for him, the moment that you don't fulfill his, fill in the blank, his ego, his sexual need, his whatever, doesn't matter if you're exhausted, doesn't matter if you're working a full-time job, and 100% of this childcare of your new baby is on you, and he's been playing video games all day, I don't really care, I want to have sex right now, and one time, or two times, we were talking about spontaneousness, especially after you've been pregnant for half your marriage, and you've had a baby for the other half, like, of course, sex lives get screwed up then, right? And you talk about spontaneous, and how do we practice desire, all that fun stuff. He's like, "Yeah, one day, just wake me up, man, let's just like, do it in the middle of the night." That's all cool and well and good, but then my wife's exhausted,

• 9:38Dr. John Delony?

  and I'm like, "No, you said..." You get what I'm saying? Like, that's using your words, that's using a conversation, and there's a difference when, in the middle of the night, one of you gets up to go to the bathroom, you lay back down, your feet accidentally touch, then your fingers accidentally touch, and then you kind of feel like, "Oh, you're more awake than I thought," and then it kind of happens, right? That's a different thing.

• 10:01Speaker 00

  I think that's kind of what I had in my mind.

• 10:03Dr. John Delony?

  Of course it is, of course it is. You know why? Because you're a regular, you're a normal person. It wasn't, "Hey, you have unfettered access to my body, whether I'm sick, I'm exhausted, I've been taking care of our finances and our baby while you've been playing video games all night." Like, of course, that's what you meant. And any rational person in the world would know that. Okay? So, walk me through the last little minute. He wants to have sex, he's trying to wake you up, and you say, "No, I'm going to bed." He gets pissed, y'all are screaming, yelling, cussing at each other, he throws a temper tantrum, gets up and leaves the bedroom to go play a video game. Then what happened?

• 10:40Speaker 00

  So, well, after I went outside and come back in, he'd kind of like disappeared, I didn't know where he went, and then I seen, like, he had turned the game on, because I can, our apartment is like, pretty small, so I can see into the living room from our bedroom. And, so, I noticed he's on the game, and I don't know what I probably shouldn't have done, and I went in there, and I took his headset off, and I'm like, telling him, like...

• 11:11Speaker 00

  Like if I can't go to bed, like you can't play the game. And then he, like I got those words out and that was like, he had pushed me back onto the couch and he had put his hands around my neck and it didn't feel like it was in the way to like keep me from breathing, but almost like to scare me. Cause I also feel like he's not stupid, like he's not gonna leave marks and anything like that. So it was, but that's what I had done and like, I mean, I know that I shouldn't have done that, but.

• 11:48Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but there's, there's a, so here's, I'll say, fine, yeah, you probably shouldn't have done that. And that doesn't justify the response in any shape, form or fashion.

• 12:04Dr. John Delony?

  Or let me put it this way, what you did was bratty. What you did was annoying. What he did was psycho.

• 12:12Dr. John Delony?

  What he did was a crime. Do you get the difference?

• 12:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:17Dr. John Delony?

  In all of us, you, me, everybody gets bratty, gets annoying, gets crummy during a fight every once in a while. That happens.

• 12:27Dr. John Delony?

  And that's why repair, like coming back together after a fight, that's why, that's such an important skill for all relationships. Um, we say dumb things, we do something dumb, like I step outside and I act bratty or whatever, whatever the thing is. But we don't commit crimes of violence.

• 12:46Dr. John Delony?

  And so as you've painted this picture for me, and hopefully in, in my questions back to you, you're, you're hearing me, I'm trying to be as calm as I can, but I want you to have heard the narrative you've given me.

• 13:02Dr. John Delony?

  What I'm hearing is there's a guy that has shown you through his actions, he has absolutely no interest in his son. He's got no interest in his wife. He has one interest and one interest only, and that's him. And clearly, he's got some emotional and mental health challenges he's struggling with. Clearly. But I'm gonna look at behavior, not diagnostic here, because I don't have that information. I never talked to him. And I don't care what your diagnostic is. You gotta show up for your kids. You can't hide behind 24-hour video game sessions while your life is passing you by on the couch next to you.

• 13:44Dr. John Delony?

  You cannot shove an exhausted, naked wife trying to get her baby into the shower so she can give this little kid a bath. You can't do that. You can't use your son, your baby, as a lure to get another adult to do what you want them to do out of fear of you're gonna hurt their kid. You don't take over some, try to like have, wake somebody up who's collapsing from fatigue and exhaustion and demand sex and then blame them for not giving it to you. You don't shove a woman down, even if she's, you put your hands on her, even if, even if she pulls off your headset and said,

• 14:28Dr. John Delony?

  "If I can't do, if you're gonna wake me up and then you can't play video games." That's silly, but you don't then respond by shoving her up on the furniture and then putting your hands around her neck, letting you know, "I could kill you right now if I wanted to." So, reading that back that way, and I know by the way, in 99.9% of these conversations, you're soft pedaling it for me, right?

• 14:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think so.

• 14:53Dr. John Delony?

  I know you are, okay? And I don't blame you, and I honor that. I'm not gonna push you anymore. I can ask you any more personal questions. But just reading that back, like if you were a close friend of mine, you were my sister, you were a coworker of mine, I'm, I'm looking at you and saying, "What are you trying to salvage here?"

• 15:17Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know what I'm missing.

• 15:20Speaker 00

  I just, I think, like, as far as lawyers, like, everybody's telling me to leave, but then, like, I have, like, my dad, like, my only close, like, person in my life, and he's Christian, and it's, you know, like, "Oh, you can't get divorced," like...

• 15:39Dr. John Delony?

  Nonsense, nonsense, nonsense. What's he want, that guy to kill you?

• 15:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, I mean, and he just...

• 15:51Dr. John Delony?

  Nonsense.

• 15:56Speaker 00

  I don't know. I had this, like, picture...

• 15:59Dr. John Delony?

  There it is.

• 16:00Speaker 00

  Like, I don't know. I know people, like, make mistakes. I don't know if I'm being naive, like, I don't know.

• 16:06Dr. John Delony?

  Well, if you grew up a dad that weaponized scripture in that way, God knows what kind of stories you've been wrestling with about how your thoughts or feelings or whatever, all your fault.

• 16:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, and the last time I spoke with my husband, he said, you know, like, "Oh, I didn't grow up with, you know, like, I'm trying to be a good dad. I didn't grow up with a good role model," and it's, like, I don't know, I'm stuck between sympathy and...

• 16:37Dr. John Delony?

  You can be sympathetic to, but you're not gonna, you're not gonna, you're not gonna take my baby. You can be sympathetic, but you're not gonna throw me to the ground and threaten to kill me.

• 16:51Dr. John Delony?

  I know millions and millions of new dads who have no idea what to do next, and they don't do that, Elizabeth. They're trying. They're screwed up, and they're goofy, and they say dumb things and do dumb things, and they try to hide on the golf course or video game. I get that. I get it. I totally get it. But hear me say, this is out of the norm.

• 17:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, what's strange is like, we were, sorry.

• 17:16Dr. John Delony?

  No, go ahead, go ahead.

• 17:18Speaker 00

  We were seeing a marriage counselor and, and she would, she had known that it had been physical before, like before this happened and she was, like, she was like, you know, I'm not going to tolerate that, but I want you guys to know, like, what you're doing with this is normal. And like, he's repeated that back to me. I can't even tell you how many times, like, this is normal, like, what we're going through is normal. And I'm like, this is not, like, something is wrong here.

• 17:41Dr. John Delony?

  She said that her husband shoving around a new pregnant wife is normal?

• 17:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, that it's just...

• 17:49Dr. John Delony?

  She should have her license taken away.

• 17:53Dr. John Delony?

  That's not normal. It's not okay. It's not right in any shape, form, or fashion. She should have her license stripped for her. Now, if she was saying, "I will not tolerate you putting your hands on him," every young couple, especially one that gets pregnant one month into their new marriage, is going to struggle with communication and figuring things out, and dad's trying to check out, like, that's, that is normal.

• 18:16Dr. John Delony?

  But if she's telling you, you just gotta, like, "Hey, some guys just shoved their wives around," that's not true. I mean, that's true that that happens. That is not normal. It's not right. It's not good. It's not something you just deal with. Do you have a friend? Do you have a, um, I don't know, somebody you work with, somebody that could let y'all crash?

• 18:39Speaker 00

  I think, like, maybe my babysitter. I thought about, like, staying where I'm at and getting, like, an order of protection out and maybe filing for emergency contacts, but I don't know.

• 18:51Dr. John Delony?

  I think that's, I think that's very, very wise.

• 18:54Speaker 00

  The jail is literally, like, two streets over from where I live, so it's, like, I don't, like, I'm worried about him.

• 19:01Dr. John Delony?

  Sure.

• 19:02Speaker 00

  Like, just walking over. Like, we've talked and he's said, like, "Oh, I won't, like, I understand if you don't want to be in the law and all of this." And he's agreed even to, like, divorce, though I don't have to, I pay for contested divorce, but...

• 19:14Dr. John Delony?

  See, does he, I mean, it sounds like he doesn't want to be a dad or, or a husband.

• 19:20Speaker 00

  I mean, he says he does, but he says like that. He, I don't know, that he just struggles.

• 19:28Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 19:29Speaker 00

  And I've like, like I pay for his insurance, pay for all of our insurance and we get free like therapy and stuff like that.

• 19:38Dr. John Delony?

  Sure.

• 19:40Speaker 00

  He's not downloaded the app or anything like that, so there's no.

• 19:45Dr. John Delony?

  Well, and maybe, I'm trying to find a silver lining with this guy, and again, I've never talked to him. Um, I'd love to talk to him if he ever wants to call in. I, the, the, maybe he knows I can't control myself, I'm gonna hurt somebody, you need to go.

• 20:02Dr. John Delony?

  And if he's talking like that to you, I wanna be a dad, I want to want to be a dad and a husband. I, I like the idea of that picture. I'm gonna hurt somebody, you need to go.

• 20:14Dr. John Delony?

  And if that's what he's giving you, I would not fight that. I would accept that.

• 20:22Speaker 00

  I think that's closer like what it is.

• 20:24Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Well, here's what I'm gonna do for you, okay? I can't do a whole ton, I'm so glad that you're in counseling, please continue to go. Um, I would, I want you to sit down with a counselor

• 20:36Dr. John Delony?

  and tell the counselor you met with another mental health professional

• 20:41Dr. John Delony?

  and that I told you to explicitly clarify. And this is you, part of you, and I know you've never been allowed to do this. So this is day one. I want you to throw your shoulders back and put your head up, put your chin out

• 20:56Dr. John Delony?

  and look this therapist in the eye as equals. Y'all are both people just trying to do right in the world. And I want you to look the therapist in the eye and say, I had another mental health professional that I talked to told me to ask you directly. When you said

• 21:14Dr. John Delony?

  this is totally normal and this is just part of being a newlywed with a new kid, were you talking about communication challenges or were you talking about him shoving me to the ground?

• 21:25Dr. John Delony?

  Put that person on the spot and get that clarity, okay? My hope is, this therapist was saying, "I will not tolerate violence, I'll call it in." And, everybody struggles with communication challenges, right? Yeah. That's my hope. If not, if the therapist was saying, "No, no, no, everybody kind of shoves around each other a little bit, that's okay," then I want to know because I'm going to file on their license.

• 21:54Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Okay? So get that kind of clarity. If you get the clarity and it's what I'm saying, I'm hoping it is, then you can continue to stay there, but I want you to get some very clear, "I want to talk through what being safe looks like, what's a safety plan," is the words we use in the biz. I want to develop a safety plan.

• 22:14Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? Okay. That's number one. Number two, here's a couple of things I'm going to give you, all right? I'm going to give you my buddy Ken Coleman's book, it also has an assessment in there for what kind of jobs, what kind of careers do I want? And I want you to do, take that assessment and read that book, it's really, really short, and it might give you opportunities and ideas for life beyond just the factory, okay? Okay, thank you. I'm also going to send you Financial Peace University, all nine lessons, it's digital, you can watch them at home by yourself.

• 22:50Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm guessing nobody ever taught you about money and how it works and taking care of it and how to save it and how to, all that. I want you to do that and it's going to, I'm going to give it to you for free and I just want you to watch those videos at home by yourself. And I want you, again, to feel yourself standing up a little bit taller, you're going to have this insight, you're going to have knowledge, you're going to have wisdom and you're going to have a path, okay? The third thing, I'm going to send you the EveryDollar app for free, for a year, the good one, like the, not the good one, but they're all good, but like the premium version, okay? Okay. And it's going to be able to help you keep a budget and start really tracking this stuff, okay? So you can start looking at what does economic independence look like.

• 23:29Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 23:31Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 23:31Dr. John Delony?

  I'm also gonna send you Building a Non-Anxious Life. If you're not a reader, that's totally cool. But it's me giving you, here is what living a free life feels like and looks like. And there's a path out there for you too. Okay? When we come back, we're gonna talk to a woman who's struggling because her husband's the fun parent and she's been stuck in the other role. We'll be right back.

• 23:57Dr. John Delony?

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• 24:42Dr. John Delony?

  and you can both make a personalized plan together, and then you get to work. As you complete workouts, your trainer will keep tweaking them and changing them to help you get stronger and better. I use it, my wife uses it, Kelly uses it, some of my friends use it. Everybody's using TrainWell workouts, and it takes away our excuses, and it's making working out better and easier. If you're ready to start taking control of your physical health, get online and take the quiz to find your perfect trainer at trainwell.net/daloni right now. And right now, they have a special offer just for my audience. Eighty-nine bucks a month when you lock in your plan, plus fourteen days of free training. Go to trainwell.net/daloni. That's train, T-R-A-I-N, trainwell.net/daloni.

• 25:30Dr. John Delony?

  This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. More and more people are becoming aware of the need for mental and emotional health resources. But over a quarter of those people are still saying they avoid getting therapy due to fear of judgment. I know because I have been there. I've sat with students, their parents, their families, hurting people for years, and people are scared to just take that next step. Listen, when people don't get help, it doesn't just affect them, it impacts their families, workplaces, and entire communities. The world is better, your life is better, when people are healthy and happy. So if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp.

• 26:12Dr. John Delony?

  BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. They have a network of more than 30,000 licensed therapists with a wide range of specialties. BetterHelp has over 10 years of experience matching people with the right therapist just for them. So to get started, just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist, and if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time, easily, and for no extra cost. Good folks, we're all better with help. Visit betterhelp.com/deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash deloney.

• 26:51Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go to Columbus, Ohio and talk to Allison. What's up, Allison?

• 26:56Speaker 02

  Hi, how are you, Dr. John?

• 26:58Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing great, how about you?

• 27:00Speaker 02

  Good, so I am one of the OG 17.

• 27:03Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, yeah!

• 27:04Speaker 02

  And we are excited because next month, we get to go see you at the Money and Relationship Tour in Louisville.

• 27:11Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, yes, dude, it's gonna be fun, man, we're gonna have a blast. I'm glad y'all are coming.

• 27:14Speaker 02

  We are.

• 27:15Dr. John Delony?

  Very cool. Well, hey, at the end of this call, hang on the line, and we'll get you upgraded to VIP, and you can come backstage and meet us.

• 27:22Speaker 02

  Oh, that would be amazing. Thank you so much.

• 27:24Dr. John Delony?

  Very cool. Alright, so what's up?

• 27:25Speaker 02

  So, I have, I have my question and I wrote back, I wrote out some background for context.

• 27:31Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, go for it.

• 27:31Speaker 02

  Because I get nervous.

• 27:32Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, go for it, go for it.

• 27:33Speaker 02

  So, my question is, how can I be a more fun parent while still raising good kids? Um, the background is, for context, I am married to an amazing guy. He's the father of both of our kids. Um, we share the responsibilities of raising and disciplining our kiddos, uh, when need be. But my husband is super creative when it comes to playing with the kids where I am more tightly wound. And I cannot seem to relax. Um, I've taken advice from your show. We've purchased the Questions for Humans Family Editions, Incorporated Bi-Weekly Breakfast Dates Before School with the kiddos. Um, I purchased books. Um, but there are times during my one-on-ones with my kids that I feel like my body is just pulling me away and just shutting down.

• 28:15Speaker 02

  So, I want my kids to see that I can also relax and be fun and not just be dad.

• 28:23Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, you're awesome.

• 28:26Speaker 02

  Thanks. I don't feel like it some days.

• 28:27Dr. John Delony?

  I know, I know. But I want you to hear what you're able to do. I mean, you're, this is usually like five months of therapy. You're able to have a picture of who you think you want to be, and I'll challenge that picture in a second, but I love that you have one. And you also aren't burning your husband down because he happens to be the thing that you wish you were. Because that's usually what most people do. It's easy to be like, "He never do..." But you're like, "No, no, I'm gonna be fair. He is a great husband and he's also obnoxiously fun and it drives me crazy, but I love it," right? And-

• 28:59Speaker 02

  He's the best.

• 29:00Dr. John Delony?

  You're able to feel your own body as it's doing what it's doing to try to keep you safe. And the tragedy here is, it's trying to keep you safe when you are under the direct gaze of one of your kids, and we'll get into that. But most people blame their, they just blame and blame and blame, and for you to be this self-aware is amazing. So, you're awesome. That's so cool.

• 29:24Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 29:25Dr. John Delony?

  Good call. That tells me you've done a ton of work and introspective work, just thinking through all this stuff. So, good for you. Um, alright, I'm gonna throw a couple of questions up against the wall, okay? And see what sticks, okay?

• 29:35Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 29:39Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, you know what? Can I throw, can I, depending on where I think this is gonna go, this could be hilarious and really awkward. Is that okay?

• 29:47Speaker 02

  Totally fine.

• 29:48Dr. John Delony?

  You positive?

• 29:50Speaker 02

  Positive.

• 29:50Dr. John Delony?

  Alright, same team. I'm not trying to be weirdo, but I'm being serious, okay?

• 29:55Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 29:55Dr. John Delony?

  But also, I'm smiling. Um, what is, don't go into like, super graphic detail, but give me, um, a high level time, you just wowed your husband. Oh, yeah.

• 30:15Speaker 02

  Um, I mean, if we were talking from his perspective, that would be every day. His, his comment is, a lot of times that I'm a spite for sore eyes, and I'm like, I don't see that.

• 30:27Dr. John Delony?

  Uh huh.

• 30:28Speaker 02

  Um.

• 30:28Dr. John Delony?

  Forget his, he didn't get a vote on this one.

• 30:30Speaker 02

  I know.

• 30:31Dr. John Delony?

  You.

• 30:32Speaker 02

  Oh, gosh. I, I honestly can't pinpoint, I, like, if we go out for a date night, like, you know, obviously, I then I'll put more effort into getting dressed up and, you know, making myself look nice. So, I mean, like, if we're gonna pinpoint something, I could say that for sure.

• 30:48Dr. John Delony?

  No, no, I'm talking about, like, I'm gonna be comically sexual, and I'm gonna blows mine.

• 30:56Speaker 02

  Um, that would probably be, like, on a random day, that I will text him, like, okay, like, hey, when we get home, this is the plan for tonight.

• 31:04Dr. John Delony?

  Uh, okay.

• 31:04Speaker 02

  Kids need to go to bed early, like, we've, we've taken those cues from your show.

• 31:08Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 31:08Speaker 02

  And tried to incorporate that, because, you know, having two kids is hectic.

• 31:12Dr. John Delony?

  Of course, of course. It's ma, it's, it's mayhem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And does he love that?

• 31:17Speaker 02

  Oh, he does. He plays right back with him.

• 31:19Dr. John Delony?

  Cool. And when he plays back, does that light you up, or does that make you start to disappear in your own body?

• 31:25Speaker 02

  Oh, no, it lights me up.

• 31:26Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, alright. Okay, good, good, good, good. So, alright, that's question number one. So, I know that's, you don't sound like a person like me, like, at the dinner table, I'm like, hey, like,

• 31:39Dr. John Delony?

  anyway, I bet our dinner conversations are very different, and I love that, okay?

• 31:43Speaker 02

  No, my husband is more like you.

• 31:45Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, alright, alright. So, um, here's the second thing. What evidence do you have that you're not fun?

• 31:53Speaker 02

  I think it's when I can just see my kids more gravitate towards um my husband for like the fun outlet. I'm more the one they come to for the conversations of like I like somebody in school or I'm having a difficulty or I'm having difficulty in school with a particular individual. So I think we're both safe spaces, but we've it seems like they'll gravitate more towards him for the fun. And sometimes I feel like I kind of get left out.

• 32:26Dr. John Delony?

  All right. So as you're saying that, in my house, as you can imagine, I have the same dynamic. And my dream is one day my kids will be like, Dad, I super am in love with some guy or some girl. And they don't. They go to my wife. You know, when they come to me? Well, my daughter goes, Dad, it's time for couch fight, part two.

• 32:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:48Dr. John Delony?

  And then she attacks me on the couch and jumps off the thing on to and then we're in WWE. And then my son comes by and, you know, like, he bumps me, I bump him back. And then now we're like, Hey, Dad, you want to go fishing? Yeah, let's do that. Hey, Dad, you want to go wrestle in the backyard? Yeah, let's do that. Hey, Mom, I'm really struggling. And I'm like, Hey, why don't you talk to me about this? What do I do for a living? And they're like, Yeah, whatever, Dad. And so I'm asking you, I would love to be in your position. So what is it about this position? Hey, Mom, couch fight. Now it's time. And your first thought is, Oh, I don't want to mess up the cushions. Right? Or hey, you have homework to do. Or hey, I don't want to mess something up. Last, last night,

• 33:28Dr. John Delony?

  last night, we were watching, it was the um, uh, 100 years of the Opry, right? And so they had all these old country stars. And I think I've talked on this show, my son is obsessed with 90s country. And it was just like coming up next, Garth Brooks, coming up next, Clint Black, coming up next. And he goes to bed pretty early. And I was like, Do you stand up for this one? He's like, Oh, yeah. And my wife's like, He's gotta go to bed. And then the next one would come up and be like, Coming up next, Garth Brooks. I'm like, Hank, you gotta watch it. Anyway, it'd be like an hour and a half later. And I was like, He's gotta live. And she's like, He's gotta, right? But, but all three of us were laughing the whole time. So I'm asking you, like, what is it about your role that feels sacred and holy for your kids as a, not in a religious sense, but like

• 34:13Dr. John Delony?

  as a place for them to land? And you're like, No, I want this one.

• 34:18Speaker 02

  Can you ask me that a different way?

• 34:20Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 34:23Dr. John Delony?

  What is it about your kids trusting you enough with their inner world?

• 34:30Dr. John Delony?

  That you don't feel, you don't like that role as much as you would like to just be able to throw water balloons at them?

• 34:39Speaker 02

  Um, I think it's going back to constantly having conversations with them of, you know, you can tell me anything. I may be upset, but I'm never going to be angry.

• 34:48Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. I know, but you would rather them say, hey, Mom, let's do couch fight?

• 34:55Speaker 02

  No, not all the time. I do like the role, but occasionally it's, I realize that like that's where Dad maybe shines. Like I'll come home and there's boxes all over the living room and they've made a tunnel.

• 35:07Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 35:07Speaker 02

  And I'm just like, and I'm like, that's awesome. But then I feel like, oh, I wish I could have thought of that.

• 35:13Dr. John Delony?

  Ah, okay.

• 35:14Speaker 02

  And that's kind of where I struggle.

• 35:15Dr. John Delony?

  Where is that voice? Where's that voice come from?

• 35:18Speaker 02

  I would a hundred percent say it comes from my childhood of not having a present parental figure who wanted to play with me. It was always like, hey, you need to go on your own and figure things out or go find friends.

• 35:32Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 35:33Speaker 02

  And so for me, I feel like I'm lacking in that area.

• 35:36Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 35:38Dr. John Delony?

  So.

• 35:41Dr. John Delony?

  I'm not, hear me say this in like same team, okay?

• 35:46Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 35:47Dr. John Delony?

  But.

• 35:49Dr. John Delony?

  This is one of those things like I heard a comedian say like, he was just making fun of like, how do you lose weight? Like diet and exercise. Like it sounds so easy, but it's like a trillion dollar industry, right?

• 35:58Speaker 02

  Right.

• 35:59Dr. John Delony?

  It's this, the solution here is actually incredibly simple.

• 36:06Dr. John Delony?

  But it only is going to work if you give yourself a ton of grace because it's going to feel awkward.

• 36:12Speaker 02

  Right.

• 36:13Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Simple is this.

• 36:17Dr. John Delony?

  That angst, that kind of feeling frozen, like I feel like I want to do something fun, but I don't even know what to do. And then all of a sudden your husband comes in and everybody's wearing oven mitts and they're slapping each other with them. You're like, ah, I would have never thought of that, right? And everyone's laughing, having fun and you're like, I wish I could. It is you literally plotting it out.

• 36:37Dr. John Delony?

  Wednesday afternoon, I'm gonna have a bucket of water balloons and when my kids, I'm gonna say, "Hey, can y'all come outside real quick?" I'm gonna have a bucket behind the door for them and I'm just gonna be on the other side of the yard and I'm just gonna start letting them have it. And it's gonna feel awkward, I'm gonna feel like this isn't gonna work, I'm gonna feel weird, I don't wanna get wet, like whatever the thing, and then here's the magic, go try it anyway.

• 37:02Speaker 02

  Right.

• 37:04Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna go buy, um, five sticks of butter and me and my kids are gonna have a butter carving contest and whoever wins gets a bag of Kit Kats, something absurd, right, just ridiculous. But I am gonna just be ridiculous, we're gonna have a mayonnaise carving contest. And like, whatever the weird thing is, it kinda, it kinda like this, like whenever you have two kids, like the old marriage adage is like, "You can have sex on the calendar or you can not have it." But the days of like, y'all just winking at each other and it's like nine o'clock and you're having a beer and like, let's just, like, that's over, like you're, you got two kids running around, like everything's tired, but you still wanna be together, right? So we're gonna put it on the calendar, same here, you're practicing your way into this.

• 37:46Speaker 02

  No, that makes sense.

• 37:47Dr. John Delony?

  It's a matter of just giving yourself permission and here's what I'm hoping happens. I'm hoping you begin not teach your mind, cause your mind knows, we have to teach your body, it's still running on seven-year-old you technology.

• 38:02Dr. John Delony?

  That it was, wasn't okay to be silly.

• 38:06Dr. John Delony?

  Parents, dads aren't supposed to be silly with their kids, moms aren't silly with their kids.

• 38:11Dr. John Delony?

  Moms aren't a part of the fun stuff, right?

• 38:15Dr. John Delony?

  I want your body to begin to feel how fun it is and how hilarious it is. There's gonna be some days you get tired and your kids, y'all are gonna be making jokes and you're just gonna start crying. That's okay.

• 38:29Dr. John Delony?

  Or one of your kids, y'all are gonna be whapping each other with, I don't know, paper towel rolls or something and someone's gonna get hurt and then you're instantly gonna be nine again, "I'm not supposed to do that." That's okay.

• 38:40Dr. John Delony?

  We're just practicing our way into being silly.

• 38:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:44Dr. John Delony?

  And on the other side, can I throw a counterweight to this whole conversation?

• 38:49Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 38:50Dr. John Delony?

  My wife has reminded me, over the 23 years of being married, I get to be silly and wild and crazy because the mental load she carries all of the time.

• 39:04Speaker 02

  I didn't think about it like that.

• 39:07Dr. John Delony?

  And sometimes your body may not be letting you just cut loose because it is carrying every doctor and dentist appointment and can't wear this color on this day at school, but this other kid's got to do this at school and don't forget next week is this. There's a parent conference and braces just fell out and the dog needs to get. And then dad comes home from work and he's had, his mental load is much less.

• 39:31Dr. John Delony?

  And so it's really been helpful in my house to sit down and say, okay, let me take some of the mental load from you.

• 39:39Dr. John Delony?

  And that actually like literally frees up space for creativity and excitement and fun. Do you get what I'm saying?

• 39:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:48Dr. John Delony?

  Your husband can be amazing and have no idea what you're carrying. Why? Do you know who my dentist is? I don't. I have no idea. I forget every time. Every time. And like, I can't tell you the number of times I've had to pay the extra 70 bucks for new x-rays because I went to the wrong new place.

• 40:09Dr. John Delony?

  It would never have occurred to me to know, like, when my dentist is open and when they're not, like, I don't know, I just, you know what I mean? And so on the other side, you may have your dentist, kid's dentist, like, this dentist doesn't work on Mondays, but this one does, and this one's recommending braces, but I need to talk about this one with this one cavity. And he has no idea. That doesn't make him a bad guy. It makes him uninformed.

• 40:30Speaker 02

  No, I think you're right because I've placed myself in that role with being a type A personality where I have to be in control and I have to see all of, like you said, the finances and, and the doctor's appointments and dentist appointments that sometimes I forget that he can also carry that weight.

• 40:48Dr. John Delony?

  Yes. And you know what? It would-

• 40:49Speaker 02

  And he's asked.

• 40:50Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, it would be honoring to him. And that means you have to go all the way back to that nine-year-old girl and take a knee in front of her.

• 41:00Dr. John Delony?

  And let her know, "Hey, controlling every stray variable kept you safe as a kid."

• 41:07Speaker 00

  It did.

• 41:08Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm sorry you had to do that.

• 41:11Dr. John Delony?

  But now you've got a ride or die partner. We made it? We made it. I married really well. We've got a gang now.

• 41:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 41:20Dr. John Delony?

  And that thing that kept me safe as a kid is making me have less joy as an adult, and I'm not going to do that. I'm not sacrificing joy with these two knuckle-headed kids. The time I have with them is too short. And then let's be real intentional about practicing being silly, right? Practicing those, "All right, when they get home,

• 41:40Dr. John Delony?

  we're going to throw SpaghettiOs on each other in the backyard." I don't know what you're going to do, but just decide we're going to be silly. "Hey, kids, we've got some, I don't know, some old something, and we're going to cause some problems with it." Or get a couple of Zebco reels and say, "We're going fishing. Do you know how to fish, Mom?" "Nope." And we're going to figure it out. And whoever wins gets to pick where we eat on the way home, or whatever's going on. But we're going to schedule silly until our bodies feel... Oh, my gosh, this is so, so fun. And it's the same way I have to schedule intentionality. I have to schedule paying attention, and I always feel how good it feels when I get something done by the deadline. It just feels amazing. Allison, you are awesome, awesome, awesome. Thank you so much for the call. Hey, when we come back, we're going to talk to a man

• 42:25Dr. John Delony?

  who is pretty worried about the path his family is taking. We'll be right back.

• 42:33Dr. John Delony?

  All right, so Easter has come and gone again. And just like there's no finish line for your physical health or your mental and emotional well-being, there's no finish line for being still and intentional about gratitude, about growing in your faith, or about building a relationship with God. And this is good news. Intentionality about spiritual matters is a practice, and any time can be a new starting point. So if you committed to consistent prayer, gratitude, or a practice of reflection during Lent, I want to encourage you to keep going. These small, daily habits add up to a transformed life. For my daily practice, I personally use Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world.

• 43:15Dr. John Delony?

  It's a great tool to help me stay connected, to help me slow down, and to help me be grateful. Whether it's guided meditation, music, or scripture readings, Hallow helps me stay mindful, even when life's gone bonkers. So, set reminders, carve out time, and keep leaving space for your faith with Hallow. When you sign up right now at hallow.com/deloney, you'll get three months for free. So, even if you missed out on Lent, it's still a great time to start. Again, go to hallow.com, that's H-A-L-L-O-W, hallow.com/deloney for three months for free. Please, please, please, please, please hit that subscribe button, or that like button,

• 43:56Dr. John Delony?

  or send this episode to somebody that you know is going to benefit from it. It really makes a difference in the lives of your friends, and your family, and your neighbors, and it puts it into the digital ecosystem that gets this show in front of more people. And man, it just takes a small group of us that are decided, like, we're going to change the way we parent, we're going to change our marriages, we're going to change our emotional and mental health. It just takes a small group, and there's a contagion effect, man, and it just, it just becomes the way communities operate, and it's amazing. And so, thank you so much for just taking a second to do something small, like hit the subscribe button, or hit the like button, or whatever you gotta do. Thank you so, so much. Let's go to St. Louis and talk to Dwayne. What's up, Dwayne?

• 44:38Speaker 03

  What's up, Dr. John?

• 44:39Dr. John Delony?

  What do you got, man? How we doing?

• 44:42Speaker 03

  I'm, I'm doing good, been better, but I'm, I'm doing good right now.

• 44:45Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome. Thanks for the call, man. What's up? How can I help?

• 44:49Speaker 03

  Absolutely. Thanks for taking my call. Um, just, uh, I just feel like the vision that my wife and I had for our life has been completely lost. Like, I just want to know how we can start over, because it seems like every time we start over, it gets derailed. And how can we get out of, like, the downward cycle of just seems like we're waiting for the next thing to happen when we start our lives over again?

• 45:15Dr. John Delony?

  Usually this happens when people have that kind of exciting, the first few times especially, it's kind of exciting, like, let's rebuild something new, we get to decide what's happening in our lives, but we have to live in this town, or I have to keep this job, or I have to, we will go to Christmas at my parents' house, right? Like, so, some of these big pillars, we don't, we don't actually swipe the whole thing away, we swipe away chunks of it. And so then we enter into this new world, but like, then the, then the, the same poles bring us right back to where we were. So, tell me, what, if you think of feelings like, like a dashboard in a car, what, what are you feeling that lets you

• 45:59Dr. John Delony?

  know, like, what's happening inside you, inside your wife, you all together, that lets you know your, your, this vision you have for your family's off the rails?

• 46:10Speaker 03

  Uh, me, mostly short-tempered, angry a lot.

• 46:14Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 46:15Speaker 03

  Um, her, uh, she feels, with the, the, the family that I have on, on my side, she feels just very disconnected, unseen, unheard, um, not satisfied with how she's parenting the, the children, feels like she's a failure all the time, feels like she's not doing the right things, and partially, you know, that would be the question. I travel, so I'm gone 10 months out of the year, so that's another.

• 46:43Dr. John Delony?

  Whoa, okay.

• 46:44Speaker 03

  Um, and they travel with me about 75% of the time, uh, maybe more, depending on where I'm at. We have a, an RV that they, they stay with us, so home schooled. Um, so there's a lot of moving parts. She's had a lot of, uh, trials in the past, we have, it's, we've, you know, moved her dad onto the property, he wound up committing suicide on the, on our property. Um, we've had, uh, very, various.

• 47:16Speaker 03

  Uh, my child, oh, you know, the oldest child was diagnosed with autism. We moved to Colorado to get ABA therapy, stayed there for three years, moved back, you know, there's just a, while she was out there, house-sitting, you know, the child that she was house-sitting for got ran over by a truck. Um, you know, it was, it just seems like a lot of tragedy that seems to just reset us and we have these hopes. But a lot of it is just, you know, me being angry at, uh, the internet, uh, you know, and the gaming and, you know, the things that, um, I can't parent while I'm away. And when I come home, you know,

• 48:00Speaker 03

  I try to invest in the kids and their gaming. And whenever I want to suggest something, you know, I drag a, a Willie's Jeep out of my grandpa's basement, you know, hey, let's go work on such and such and go take it around in the, drive go-karts, you know, whatever, just to get them away from the computer. It's just, I just feel very deflated every time that I make a eight-hour trip home, you know, on the weekend and I come back to work. I just, I just feel like I just can't figure out how to map our life out to get out of what I consider a bad rut.

• 48:34Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Man, good for you, dude. Thanks for seeing this with clear eyes. And those, those eight-hour trips, yeah, those can be, uh,

• 48:44Speaker 03

  I, I, I listen to you for those eight-hour trips.

• 48:47Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, God help you, man. God help you. Um, there's a lot of good podcasts out there, brother. You may want to check some out. Um, uh, what do you do for a living, man?

• 48:57Speaker 03

  Oh, welder.

• 48:58Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And do you do, you do site work, I'm assuming?

• 49:02Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 49:03Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Specialty welding or do you, are you doing new builds?

• 49:06Speaker 03

  Specialty.

• 49:07Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So that's a trap, man, because you make good money, don't you?

• 49:11Speaker 03

  Yes, very.

• 49:17Speaker 03

  And we're about 30,000 from paying the house off and having all of our bills paid off. And then my goal was to like slide back and work, you know, two jobs a year instead of, you know, six.

• 49:29Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 49:30Speaker 03

  Um, but you know, then that cuts out on retirement and investing and insurance hours and things like that. So it feels just like I can't

• 49:37Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 49:38Speaker 03

  do one or the other.

• 49:39Dr. John Delony?

  Here's the trade you're making.

• 49:41Speaker 03

  Okay. Yeah.

• 49:43Dr. John Delony?

  Do I live a life where I'm dead in my own skin? For some future finish line?

• 49:51Dr. John Delony?

  Or? Do I step back and truly, truly sweep the deck clean with my wife and say, what kind of life do we want to live? How does we want this home to feel when both of us walk into it?

• 50:05Dr. John Delony?

  And?

• 50:07Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, you have a mortgage with 30 grand left on it. That puts you better than 95% of America.

• 50:13Speaker 03

  Right. Yeah, we're paying it off this year. So.

• 50:15Dr. John Delony?

  There you go. Your wife's life sounds like one, and I hear this more and more and more and more.

• 50:24Dr. John Delony?

  It's one of those things that you dream of it. I want to travel together. I'm going to get some land. I'm going to live on an RV. I'm in a homeschool. And the rigors of that life are exceedingly lonely.

• 50:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:38Dr. John Delony?

  And disorienting and frustrating. And then you get heartbroken that you're frustrated at your own kids. And then you start looking in the mirror and saying, oh, you're a terrible mother because you don't even want to be around your own kids. And you see, and then I'm not, I'm not worth having friends. And so when I do go home, like it just starts in a big loop.

• 50:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 50:56Dr. John Delony?

  And you're alone. And 10 months out of the year, I'm saying this with all due respect, like you're a good provider for those kids. But you pop back in every random weekend and you are expecting them to help you feel a certain way about the choice you've made to be gone 10 months out of the year. And they can't carry that. I can't do it. It's impossible. And you drive back with that. That's that hollow feeling you're talking about when you're driving back.

• 51:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:22Dr. John Delony?

  Cause it didn't feel like you thought it was going to feel. Or you're watching your kids become something or become people that you didn't never think they were going to become, but you're not there to like, you get what I'm saying?

• 51:34Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 51:34Dr. John Delony?

  So, so, so let's get obnoxiously practical. How much money do you have in retirement?

• 51:40Speaker 03

  Uh, I can retire at fifty-five fairly comfortable.

• 51:46Dr. John Delony?

  Are you in union?

• 51:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:48Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. How old are you now?

• 51:51Speaker 03

  Forty-seven.

• 51:53Dr. John Delony?

  So I guess, I guess what I would ask you is like you, you've heard that old saying like, nothing changes if nothing changes. So I think it's gonna come down to you and your wife asking each other like, what's gonna change?

• 52:11Speaker 03

  So how would, how would I do that if I would change something? Like obviously, you know, they travel with me the majority of the time. This year has been, uh, to say majority, they, they travel with me one hundred percent of the time. I said seventy-five percent of that ten months, but, uh, depending on medical bills or medical appointments and such. So how, with my son being, you know, lots of medical bills and my wife lots of therapy and consistency needed to be around the house, you know, and, and lots of medical bills with her also. How, how do I, how do I make a decent living at the same time?

• 52:55Speaker 03

  Feel like I'm providing healthcare and, you know, all the things without my family having to, you know, do without in this decision that her and I would make. Obviously her and I would make it together. So we would have to be okay with it.

• 53:09Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I, I, well, I think, I, I wanna ask a few like, I'm, I'm not gonna ask you these, but I want you to ask a few what I would call recursive questions. Some of these things feed on themselves. So would her therapy bills? And would her post-traumatic stress, which she one hundred percent has, not clinically, but you know what I mean? I'm not gonna do a diagnosis on the show, but she's gonna have all kinds of struggles with dad and that little kid, all that kinda stuff. How much of that collapses?

• 53:43Dr. John Delony?

  When she's got a home with roots and a group of women she hangs out with and a small little church group and a group of people that she walks around the neighborhood with and a steady counselor.

• 53:51Speaker 03

  See, I tried, I tried doing that a year and it'd be two years ago.

• 53:57Dr. John Delony?

  But you gotta be a part of it too.

• 53:58Speaker 03

  No, I did. Like I quit my job.

• 54:01Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 54:02Speaker 03

  So I could stay home for a year and start a, and start a business and I did. It was a kind of turnkey business and we wound up, she didn't enjoy, you know, being around the family. She was stir crazy at the house. She didn't like any of the churches that we tried. You know, we had several churches that we went to, you know, I, I feel like I've tried it once and if I try it again, you know, what's, what's gonna be different?

• 54:25Dr. John Delony?

  No, fair point. That's a good call up, man. And so, um, so again, I'm gonna ask that recursive question. You, you answered it. It does not gonna do nothing, dude. In fact, it might make it worse. She likes being on the road. She likes being out and about. My guess is, and without ever talking to her, she's got some profound grief she's gotta work through.

• 54:43Speaker 03

  Right.

• 54:44Dr. John Delony?

  And some of that grief is often carried with parents and dude, I've been working with, with young people with autism for my whole career. Um, the shame and guilt parents carry this quote unquote, I gave this to them.

• 54:57Speaker 03

  Sure, yeah.

• 54:59Dr. John Delony?

  And man, some parents just get buried by that and some parents really work hard to dig into that because that story's just not true. And you come out on the other side of it and some of that challenge is, this isn't the picture I had. I wanted two healthy boys and this is, I got a kid with special needs and it's hard and it's frustrating and things go slower. And some of it's just about getting with the right grief therapist to sit there and work through like, how do we slowly live into reality? This is my life. This is, this is my life. And that's, dude, that's so hard. But she's gonna, she, she has to wanna do that kinda healing.

• 55:38Speaker 03

  Yeah. I think she does. And you know, this is, this is the first time that she's really sat down and been consistent.

• 55:44Dr. John Delony?

  I love that.

• 55:45Speaker 03

  With, hey, I'm, hey, I'm staying home. I gotta take care of this. You know, I gotta get better. You know, so she is trying and I'm just trying to keep up with the funding.

• 55:55Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. So, so how much do you make a year?

• 55:58Speaker 03

  Uh, 175, 200.

• 56:02Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 56:04Dr. John Delony?

  What you just explained to me, ABA is very, very expensive.

• 56:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 56:09Dr. John Delony?

  Very expensive, especially if it's not covered by insurance, which it often isn't.

• 56:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 56:15Dr. John Delony?

  Trauma and grief therapy would be 225 bucks an hour, depending on where you are.

• 56:19Speaker 03

  Right.

• 56:19Dr. John Delony?

  It'd be very expensive.

• 56:20Speaker 03

  Right.

• 56:22Dr. John Delony?

  You have a house that's almost paid off.

• 56:26Dr. John Delony?

  I guess, I guess.

• 56:26Speaker 03

  And that was, yeah.

• 56:27Dr. John Delony?

  I, I, here's what I'm asking.

• 56:29Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 56:30Dr. John Delony?

  Could you construct a world, not where you go start a business and you end up underwater? And, because that might not be your thing. Business owner is very different than incredible world-class welder. And that's okay.

• 56:41Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 56:43Dr. John Delony?

  Is there a world where you have collapsed your expenses to basically zero? And you're gonna have an ego hit? And you're gonna have a, I really don't have to worry about money very often, hit. But dude, I can make a hundred grand as a welder in this local community. I'm the best there is. And that pays our bills. We have no mortgage. We're here in this house. We get, we're not gonna be rich, but we're gonna pay our bills. Is that a feasible thing?

• 57:09Speaker 03

  That's what we found out, you know, the year, year and a half that I had taken off is that we, we do no investing. We do no moving forward on finances. We just pay the bills and it was maddening for both of us.

• 57:21Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 57:23Dr. John Delony?

  So here's the challenge. In some ways, your feelings, like this makes her feel crazy. This makes us both feel crazy. Your feelings have trapped you all.

• 57:34Speaker 03

  Right.

• 57:35Dr. John Delony?

  And you're gonna have to choose, because, because here's the deal. You're gonna have to, it's the old cliche, but you're gonna have to choose your heart.

• 57:42Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 57:43Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna choose to drive home every other weekend, 10 months out of the year, to see my boys.

• 57:52Dr. John Delony?

  Um, I talked to one dad, I'll never forget this. I talked to one dad of, of a kid with autism who's non-verbal. And I just asked him point blank, like, dude, what, what's it gonna be? What's it like to know my son will never be able to say the words, "I love you, Dad"?

• 58:06Dr. John Delony?

  It was a really heavy, interactive conversation. It was so honoring how he answered it. He's like, "It's the most heartbreaking thing in the whole world, the whole wide world."

• 58:14Dr. John Delony?

  "And I wouldn't wish that on him, that he's frozen, that he can't tell his dad, 'I love you.'" Right? And so, you're gonna have to know, I'm gonna go home with that experience. And I've also increasingly, over the last five to 10 years, heard about how the advancements in video games has entranced a generation of young boys with autism. Like, it is, it's, I cannot not look at that, right? It's captured them. And that's tough. And so, I'm gonna, I'm gonna choose that. I'm gonna choose to be frustrated about how we're not investing as much as we would like to. We're only gonna have $2 million at retirement instead of $10. Or, I'm gonna be frustrated about, "Hey, I feel a little stir-crazy in the house. We're gonna have to go camping every other weekend, but we're gonna do it as a family. It's gonna be okay." Like, at some point, you're gonna have to choose to be uncomfortable.

• 58:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 59:00Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna choose to say, "Remember the good old days when I made 200 grand and now I only make 100 grand?" The good old days, right?

• 59:07Dr. John Delony?

  But, but like, at some point, you're all gonna have to make a choice. Otherwise, make peace with, "This is just our life." And you're doing what almost every man I know does, including myself, which is, when I feel powerless in my own house, I do the one thing I can do to love my family, and I'm gonna go work really hard and make some extra money.

• 59:21Speaker 03

  Right. Yeah, that's, that's the only thing I know-

• 59:24Dr. John Delony?

  That's it, that's it.

• 59:24Speaker 03

  -what I can do-

• 59:25Dr. John Delony?

  That's it.

• 59:26Speaker 03

  -I can count on.

• 59:27Dr. John Delony?

  That's it. And so, I guess what I'm inviting you into is a period of sitting with your wife and exhaling and saying, "I don't know what the next right move is." And that will feel terrifying for Dwayne.

• 59:41Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 59:42Dr. John Delony?

  Saying, "I make good money at my work and I don't, I'm missing out on our boys. I'm missing out on you."

• 59:51Dr. John Delony?

  Or, "Here's all, here's our five paths we could take. All of them aren't gonna feel good. So, okay, we know they're all not gonna feel good, let's move that off to the side. What's the best thing for us?" Hope that helped, man. If your wife wants to call in, great. If you both want to call in, I'd love to have you both on, that'd be cool. And if we can get through some of it. And hang on the line, I'm gonna send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life, and I'm gonna also send you a link to the audiobook, so you can listen to it on your drive. And there's the Six Daily Choices Wheel. It's just the wheel for doing life, man. And I wonder if you use that as a roadmap for you and your wife to begin, "Let's take all the money off the table, let's take all the..." "Let's begin to backfill these six daily choices for a non-anxious life."

• 1:00:35Dr. John Delony?

  "Let's go through these things and begin to map it out."

• 1:00:40Dr. John Delony?

  "And then if the same job is still on the table, cool. If the same town is on the table, cool. If living our land is still on the table, cool. But maybe it's not." "And we're gonna be okay with that, because we're gonna ask ourselves, "How do we want our life to feel? What do we want our life to look like? And then we're gonna reverse engineer from there." "Thank you, my brother. It's been an absolute honor to talk to you." "Hang on the line, we'll get you hooked up."

• 1:01:01Dr. John Delony?

  I have been loving red light therapy and EMF blocking gear for years. And that's why I'm super excited to tell you about my new partner, Bon Charge. Our lives are lived almost entirely inside, under the harrowing glow of fluorescent lights, in front of little bitty screens that we carry around with us, medium-sized screens, giant screens. All this stuff affects our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and the studies are showing it. And this is why I love Bon Charge. Bon Charge is a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use their red light therapies every single day. Red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with your sleep.

• 1:01:42Dr. John Delony?

  I use my red light therapy panels, infrared sauna blanket, my EMF mat, all of the time. And listen up, if your skin looks tired, I want you to check out Bon Charge's red light mask for skin recovery, collagen production, and improved blood flow. Just wear it 10 minutes a few times a week for fresher skin, super easy. No creams or appointments. It's lightweight, and it's cordless, and it can change everything. Go to boncharge.com/deloney and use coupon code DELONY to save 15%. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E dot com slash deloney, and use coupon code DELONY to save 15%.

• 1:02:25Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we're back.

• 1:02:29Dr. John Delony?

  Something happened last night and I just want to tell you guys about it. And this is just my little, uh, I don't know if this, it's a new segment called, "Just a Thing Happened at John's House." And, uh, that could probably be a creepy thing or kind of a, Kelly's like, "Ooh, not that, Kelly." Um, I just want to paint this picture for you. Um, I'm back in, meeting with, uh, with this amazing therapist I meet with in Nashville and it's, it's been extraordinary and I needed to take, uh, some time off and coming back is just been, it's been really amazing. And my wife and I for the last seven years especially, but really especially the last two years of, three years have really been over the top intentional.

• 1:03:12Dr. John Delony?

  And by me going to get well, I've allowed my daughter's tiny little third grade body to be safe in my presence and she's taking guitar lessons and coming home with a new Taylor Swift song every week and whatever. And she's got an amazing teacher at her little third grade and like I'm watching my daughter come back alive. And my son is 14, he's just like, "God, Lee dude, I hope I'm like him when I grow up." He's just an amazing kid and he's all 14 and all knucklehead and all silly and all smart and kind and, um, thoughts on the world are both really amazing and absurd, all that stuff.

• 1:03:53Dr. John Delony?

  And last night, I sat by my daughter on the couch under a giant Cozy Girls blanket and we watched Bluey. And I had a handful of, of jelly beans that I'd grabbed and I just reached over and opened, put my hand like over the top and she opened her hand, I dropped a few in there. And she ate the jelly beans and I ate the jelly beans. And then I tried to put one of the jelly beans in her ear, just being silly and she poked me back and then turned into Couch Fight, Part 19. And we were dying laughing and my wife was like, "We gotta go to bed." And I was like, "Hold on." And then I'd do one more like pillow slam and she would jump on me, she'd be like, "All right, goodnight dad," and she would jump on me. And then she said, "Goodnight dad," she told all the dogs goodnight individually.

• 1:04:38Dr. John Delony?

  And then my son came down and we have this awesome thing, we watch Matlock a couple times a week, like the new Matlock, it's with Gaffey Bate, it's so great, but it's fun and silly. And last night, it wasn't on and we watched the country music thing like I told you all earlier.

• 1:04:54Dr. John Delony?

  And then we went to bed and I was reading a book in bed and my wife was fading out and going to sleep and I got up and walked around to her side of the bed and just leaned over and kissed her on the cheek and said, "I love our life." And I'm really happy about our life. It's not always gonna be perfect, but I love our life right now, in this little moment. And she quietly whispered as she fell asleep, I did too. And what did I tell you that story? Not because things are perfect or great in my house, they're for sure not. And it's taken a long time to get here and we're just one phone call away from everything changing, right? I know that. But I think a lot of us are running and gunning and doing a lot of work and the emails you'll send and the messages you send and the people I talk to all over the country. I did an event

• 1:05:37Dr. John Delony?

  for Duke University yesterday. I'll be on the, I just got off the phone, I'll be in Phoenix in a few weeks. Dave and I are going on tour. I meet you guys all over the country and everybody's working so hard and I just think it's important to pause every once in a while and say, "I like my life. Things are okay. They're not perfect, but things are good today. And maybe they're not gonna be tomorrow. And yes, there's hurt and pain all over the world, right now. I like my life right now." And it's good for us to exhale. It's good for us to point out the places where we gotta grow, but sometimes it's good just to drop your shoulders and say, "Today was a good day. Today was a good one."

• 1:06:17Dr. John Delony?

  And just want to encourage you guys, the work is worth it. You're worth the work. Your kids are worth the work. And that magic night when you can just be walking into your room, you're reading a book and you're just like, "Wait a minute. Today's a good day." And not forever, but right now, I like my life. Thank you guys for walking with us. Love you guys. Bye.