Moment 97 - The SECRET Hack Behind The Perfect First Date: Paul Brunson

In your social life the first date is one of the most stressful experiences you can have. From worrying about the impression you want to make, what to wear, where to go and whether this is your future life partner or not, the expectations you set for a first date become impossible. In this moment the love doctor Paul Brunson breaks down why we are all setting ourselves up for failure and why we shouldn’t even go on dates! Instead Paul believes you should scrap the dinner date and go for 30 minute meet ups over a coffee or a walk, relieving all the pressure. What about the all important chemistry on a date? Paul believes this is just physical attraction and listening. Simple! Listen to the full episode here - https://g2ul0.app.link/CJDD2DKdtxb Paul- https://www.instagram.com/paulcbrunson/?hl=en https://www.paulcbrunson.com Watch the Episodes On Youtube - https://www.youtube.com/c/TheDiaryOfACEO/videos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:03Steven Bartlett?

  Another question I had was about honesty from the jump. You go on a first date, you meet someone. How honest should I be? Should I tell them about my childhood trauma on the first date? Is that being authentic? Or is that offloading?

• 0:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, Chris Rock said it best. When you meet someone, especially on a date, you're not meeting them, you're meeting their representative. You know? So from that standpoint, we have to understand that there is a boundary negotiation that happens, especially on these first dates. And it is that tennis game again, right? So what you're trying to do ultimately is you're trying to... And let me even back up. Can I say this about the first? One is that I think we... I think most of us do the first date completely wrong. Entirely wrong. We set ourselves up from the jump to fail miserably and be disappointed.

• 0:58Speaker 01

  And the reason why is because the first date is too intricate. It's too big. You know, it's dinner, but to prepare for dinner, I'm gonna buy a new whatever, you know? I'm gonna get my hair done. You know, I'm gonna get this. I'm gonna buy this new thing. I'm gonna get the car washed. I'm gonna do all this stuff. We've spent, we've invested so much that we've set ourselves up for failure. Also, a first date, quite honestly, over dinner is an interview. It always turns into an interview. And then the culture I've noticed in the UK is fascinating is that... This is not everyone, but typically I notice is we're gonna get completely pissed before the date. Like, so we can talk to each other.

• 1:41Speaker 01

  So we're just gonna drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink. Okay, now, let's talk to each other. And so it becomes, we set ourselves up for having a very costly date in time, effort, all resources. Instead, it sounds so simple. I like meetups. Let's not, let's even take the pressure off of the date situation. Let's call it a meetup. 30 minutes, let's have coffee, right? The reason why I love that, or a walk. Sounds stupid, right? No, a walk for 30 minutes. Let's just go walk at lunch. Let's go, go take a walk. The reason why I love that is because... The expectation is so much lower in that situation, so much lower.

• 2:25Speaker 01

  The cost, so much lower, right? So the investment, right? So much lower. So therefore, that return on investment, potentially so much higher. But then also psychologically, what I love is happening is if it's coffee, caffeine, if it's a walk, it's endorphins going, right? Those help us to bond, right? Opposed to alcohol, that's a depressant, right? It's doing, it's doing the opposite. So in terms of elucidating ourselves for great conversation and preparing ourselves for success, a walk or a coffee is great. The other part of that is I've had, like, not millions, I've had, let's say, thousands

• 3:09Speaker 01

  of clients who I've said, okay, in particular, this is for ladies telling men, tell the guy that you want to meet him for coffee in the day.

• 3:19Speaker 01

  A lot of guys are like, I'm not doing that.

• 3:21Steven Bartlett?

  Yeah, because they want to get laid.

• 3:24Speaker 01

  They're like, I'm not doing that, right? So right away.

• 3:27Steven Bartlett?

  It's a good filter.

• 3:28Speaker 01

  It's a great filter. It's an easy filter for you, you know? So that's part of that. And then if it works well, and when I say if it works well is you just need two things on that meetup. Are you physically attracted to them minimally? And then did they listen to you? So if you have the ability to communicate, they listened critically, you listened critically, and you're physically attracted, that is chemistry. Because we have a hard time defining what is chemistry. You say, what is chemistry? What's the buzz? What does that mean? And everyone's like, I don't know, I don't know. It is, I think, one part, physical attraction, mutual physical attraction, another part, critical listening, listening.

• 4:11Speaker 01

  If you have that, you have enough to move forward and then see each other in another environment, you know?

• 4:17Steven Bartlett?

  It's so true, because I'm just reflecting on how many of my friends, both men and women, will come back from a date that didn't work out and just resentfully talk about how much they've spent. And how and how much it cost, like how how long it cost them and and how much money it cost them and the preparation of the facial and the hair and the nails and and they sit there resentfully. And it's all you you you're right, bringing that level of expectation to a to a first encounter. You know, Mogadat sat here and said, we're happy when our expectations of how life is supposed to be going go are met and we're unhappy when our expectations of how life is supposed to be going go unmet. I'm coming in with one hell of an expectation that you're going to be my husband.

• 4:59Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 5:00Steven Bartlett?

  I've put in all the work, all the investment, the time, three hours. And then if you fall anywhere below that, for whatever reason, I'm probably looking for, you know, oh, God, it's not you're almost setting yourself up to fail by by doing such a huge initial upfront investment.

• 5:15Speaker 01

  Yes. And you know what? You you were making, I think, a brilliant, brilliant point there is that when you've made that investment, what you end up doing is you're looking for reasons to weed them out.

• 5:27Steven Bartlett?

  Yeah.

• 5:28Speaker 01

  Because you're like, I mean, I did all this.

• 5:30Steven Bartlett?

  Yeah. And his trainers. Yeah. What what trainers is this guy wearing?

• 5:35Speaker 01

  Oh, my God. You see those trainers? Those are last year's trainers.

• 5:39Steven Bartlett?

  I bought new shoes for this shit. Yeah.

• 5:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:42Steven Bartlett?

  Yeah, it's crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy. What what are you struggling with in your relationship?

• 5:47Speaker 01

  Oh, man. You know, it is time.

• 5:51Steven Bartlett?

  Really?

• 5:52Speaker 01

  Time.

• 5:52Steven Bartlett?

  Quality time?

• 5:53Speaker 01

  It is. It is. It is. I would say time, but quality time, because I am, you know, it right now, I'm predominantly doing television work. And and I've been in TV now, you know, for since Oprah, you know, so 12, 13 years. So it's been a while. And one thing I've noticed about the television space is that there are moments when you're hot, and there are moments when you're not. And when you're hot, it's that's the time to leverage. And so you have to, you're already working your ass off, but you better work it off even even more. And so I'm in that zone right now. I mean, I'm blessed. I'm co-hosting two shows.

• 6:37Speaker 01

  I'm contributing to three shows, one in the States, two here in the UK. So it's one of these where I'm constantly work every day, every day I'm working, every day I'm working. So that time with my wife, that time with my children, that's the time that I wish I can get some back.

• 6:56Steven Bartlett?

  How are you negotiating that? How are you serving the ball over the net in terms of the tennis analogy to make sure things aren't, you know, she still feels like a priority and your family still feel like a priority?

• 7:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's a great one. I mean, finding those moments and making sure that we're in, or should I say, making sure that we're intentional about the moments that we do have, right? So this morning, for example, before I came over here, we had breakfast together, went out, had breakfast together, sat, talked with the dog, right? Those moments are immeasurable.