Pod Insights The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett E47: The Solution To All Of Your Problems About this episode This week's episode of The Diary of a CEO is all about breakdowns and problems and I delve into why only YOU have control over your thoughts. I discuss how we are obsessing over optimising our lives and the worrying increase in loneliness within the...
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcript Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:10 Steven Bartlett? You can't control the future. You can't change the past. And efforts to do so so often result in something that we never wished for. In this week's chapter of the Diary of a CEO, we're going to go deep. The things I talk about today may well be the most important things I will ever talk about. In fact, maybe the Diary of a CEO should have just been this episode. When you understand the one thing that matters above all else, maybe you'll agree. So without further ado, I'm Steven Bartlett, and this is the Diary of a CEO. I hope nobody is listening, but if you are, then please keep this to yourself.
0:57 Steven Bartlett? For the first point in my diary this week, I've just written "You versus your thoughts", and I'm going to start off with a quote which I think is incredibly relevant and pertinent when I'm about to say. The quote is by Buddha, and the quote goes like this: "To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to oneself, one's family, and peace to all, one must first discipline and control one's own mind." And it begs the question, why was Buddha so obsessed with something so internal when referencing external factors? And I guess my question to you is, what is your experience? What is the experience you have as a human being? What is that?
1:41 Steven Bartlett? What is the experience you have at work? What is controlling that? What is the experience you have within your romantic relationship with your girlfriend or boyfriend? What is the experience you have when you're just walking down the street? When you're arguing with someone? When you're sad? When you're happy? When you're celebrating a win or a victory? When you're riddled with anxiety and you can't move? What is that? The irrefutable answer is, it's just a bunch of thoughts. Both vividly conscious thoughts and quite distant, intangible subconscious thoughts, right? And those immaterial thoughts, whether conscious or subconscious, have tremendous material consequences in your life. They can make you depressed, right? We all know that. They can make you physically ill.
2:25 Steven Bartlett? They can impact your physical appearance, right? They can... Destroy your immunity. They can change your habits. They can change your diet. They can make you ecstatic, fulfilled, content. They can make you react in ways that will cost you your job or your partner. Or in some cases, as we've seen many times, they will cost you your dreams, your career, your livelihood, everything. Those thoughts are your experience. And the, I guess, imperative truth that I've come to realise, especially this week, is I cannot control other people. I really can't control all the bad things that happened to me this week. I can't stop bad things coming to the people that I love either. But I can control my thoughts.
3:11 Steven Bartlett? And in a world of total chance, in a world of luck and unpredictability and unintended consequences that are forced upon you, I've come to learn that there is so little outside of my mind that I can control, basically nothing. I've given my life, every hour I have for the last, I don't know, couple of decades, and still things go awfully wrong sometimes. No matter how hard I work, no matter how much I care about perfection, heartbreak, pain, misfortune and unwanted consequences still manage to find me. It doesn't take you long to realise that controlling the world, controlling external factors is a fight that you will never win, that I will never win.
3:56 Steven Bartlett? And this week I witnessed two things, which really gave me perspective on this. This week I witnessed a close friend of mine completely have a breakdown because their train was cancelled because of the storm that's hit the country over the last couple of days. And that resulted in a one hour delay for that person to get home. I witnessed that that caused them a breakdown. And I also witnessed another friend, a completely different friend, have a lesser reaction after her older brother, who was rendered brain damaged and had his skull removed following a horrific car accident, regain his consciousness, lose his total sense of identity and begin to aggressively attack his own family, tearing her whole family apart and rendering her
4:40 Steven Bartlett? and her aging mother basically his permanent carer. That one hour train delay caused more of an emotional and bleak reaction in one friend than the loss of a close family member to another. And if I ever needed proof that anyone's experience is not determined by what happens, but by the filter we apply to what happens, maybe that was it. And what is that filter? It's your thoughts. And we're all predisposed to think in constructive and productive or toxic and destructive ways, of course. I can hear people right now shouting back at me, you know, science has presented evidence that chemical imbalances can alter your thoughts. That is true, right?
5:20 Steven Bartlett? But science has also clearly demonstrated that your thoughts can change your chemical balances. That every thought releases some type of chemical. When positive thoughts are generated, when you're feeling happy and optimistic about the world, your brain produces serotonin, which creates a feeling of well-being and happiness and ecstasy in some cases. And when you're thinking negatively, the brain actually draws precious metabolic energy away from your prefrontal cortex within your mind. And even more alarmingly, the more you focus on negativity, the more you think negatively, the more synapses and neurons your brain will create, which will allow you to think more negatively in the future.
6:02 Steven Bartlett? So really, those that think positively will likely have more serotonin, feel better and therefore continue to think more positively. Those that think negatively will have less serotonin, feel worse and therefore continue to think negatively in the future. It's a cycle, a rewarding and positive one, or a viciously negative one. But either way, it's a cycle that you have control over just by what you think. And what you think is the thing that's determining your entire experience at all times, in the past and in your future. That's the thing. It's not what's happened to you. It's not that you've lost your keys, that you've got a flat tire, that it's raining, that your train's been cancelled. You know, that asshole ex-boyfriend, your boss, your spouse, that dickhead colleague, all your clients.
6:47 Steven Bartlett? It's what you think about those things. The majority of harm is caused in your head by you and your thoughts. The harm isn't caused by reality, what actually happens and the outcome. The problem isn't the problem. The problem is the way you think about the problem. And I don't think anybody loves this idea. I didn't love this idea the first time I heard it. Because once again, it puts a mirror up in front of us and it makes us take responsibility. That horrible thing that none of us really deep down want to do. It makes us take responsibility for how we're feeling. And we, all of us, including me, are conditioned to believe that things piss us off. You know, today, my videographer was telling me about the things that piss him off.
7:29 Steven Bartlett? He said, and I quote, "My clients used to piss me off when they didn't pay me on time." And I thought about that sentence. With the logic I've just presented to you above, any sentence of that nature is inherently flawed. Your clients didn't piss you off. The sentence should have been, "I pissed myself off when my clients didn't pay me." Suddenly, external blame becomes internal responsibility. Suddenly, it's on you. And suddenly, you can do something about it. Suddenly, you have control of a seemingly uncontrollable circumstance of a late-paying client. And when you have control, you can change your life. And you can make hell into a heaven. It becomes a choice.
8:15 Steven Bartlett? And if you understand what I've said above, and if you believe it, if you take it in, it may just be the most important thing I've ever shared with you. It may be the most important thing I ever will. Because your thoughts are your experience. And what else is there other than your experience? So what else is there other than your thoughts? Understanding this is most of the battle. And believing it and embracing it and living it is most of the battle. Because it's the helpless, losing battle of not being able to control negative news or negative events and negative people that causes most of our anguish. You know, in this podcast, this isn't an observational podcast where I just point things out that I've noticed in my life over the last couple of weeks, whatever. This is a podcast where I also try and share the solutions that I use for these problems.
8:59 Steven Bartlett? And I guess step one to this is to believe me and to believe what I'm saying. Because it wasn't until I believed this that things started to drastically change in my life. And I got so much better at dealing with bullshit. And you know, in my job as a 27-year-old CEO of a company with hundreds and hundreds of employees all around the world, across five headquarters and seven offices. I know that every day that I wake up, I'm gonna be exposed to unpredictable bad news. So I needed to believe this. I needed to really, really embrace it. You have to believe that your thoughts are everything, not the circumstances you find yourself in. And then you have to like resign, you have to hand in your notice, you have to quit the job of trying to control the uncontrollable. That's step one.
9:44 Steven Bartlett? I guess step two is you have to try and be ultra-conscious about your thoughts. You have to like really observe your self-thinking, and this is an art in itself. It's not easy to do. And one way you can do this is by writing down your thoughts, by journaling, making a diary just like this one. I can't tell you how much having this podcast and writing in my diary and really analyzing my thoughts throughout the week in hindsight has changed my life. This will increase your self-awareness, your thinking awareness. And when you can see your thoughts from a bird's eye view, you can understand the patterns, the triggers. And then you can start to be, I guess, more conscious about the effect that those triggers are having on you.
10:26 Steven Bartlett? And for fairly innate survival reasons, thinking becomes an automatic thing. So by the time you're twenty seven, like I am, although you like to believe you're the CEO of your own thoughts and actions, you're not. Most of them are reactive, most of them are survival-oriented, emotional, ego-driven, blame-oriented, and somewhat negative. And, you know, in many cases, they're so automatic, in fact, that we're, you know, we don't even realize that thoughts exist in the process of us making a decision. We don't even know we're thinking. People do terrible things, and then when the dust clears, they say, sorry, I wasn't thinking. Yes, you were. You just weren't aware consciously of your thoughts. And you can't control that which you don't realize exists.
11:09 Steven Bartlett? So step two has to be actively becoming more conscious of your thoughts and the patterns and triggers that are causing those thoughts. Step three, I'm gonna give you a tool for step three. You know, every time you encounter a situation that triggers a negative downward spiral of overthinking and doom and gloom, anything that you can't seem to shake, anything that just consumes you, right? And things happen to me all the time, small things that will just play out in my head over and over and over. And the reason they're playing out in my head is because I can't find, seem to find a solution to that problem. So I'm playing it out in multiple ways in the hope that my, my brain, which is consumed by it, will be able to solve it. And that's
11:50 Steven Bartlett? almost never the case, right? At least even if I do solve it, it's probably not going to be solved when I'm in that frame of mind in the most wise, productive way. So here's my tip for you. Here's my little trick for you that that has worked for me and that is backed by science. It's called the best friend method. You have to write down your best friend's name at the top of a page, right? It can be in your notes, in your phone, wherever you want to. And then, you know, it can also be a sibling. It can be a parent, whoever matters the most to you. And then write down the problem, right? The, the thing that's been bothering you, the thing that's consumed you. And then write down what you would respond to your best friend if
12:31 Steven Bartlett? they came to you with that problem. Be totally honest. Say exactly what you'd say to your friend. Use expletives or profanity if you need to. Be totally honest. What would you say to your friend if they came to you with that problem? You know, earlier this week, a friend of mine came to me and they were having an absolute breakdown because of a problem. For the sake of their anonymity, I'm going to call them Jenny, okay? So I'm sat there on Jenny's couch and she is telling me all of her problems with this one particular situation. She's really upset and she's doing that thing people do where they make a bunch of negative conclusions all the way down into that dark hole where there is no solution. So they'll say, this has happened, so that means this, which means this, which means this, which means this, which
13:13 Steven Bartlett? means there's no solution. And I was observing her make those very irrational, emotional, negative conclusions downwards, like a downward staircase into a black hole. And I just interrupted Jenny and I said, Jenny. Okay, I've listened to you now and I've got a problem that I want to tell you about. And I need your help with this. So I'm gonna tell you my problem Jenny and I need you to solve it for me. Right? I'm your, I'm your friend. Please help me solve my problem. And I just repeated back to Jenny what she had told me. And immediately her face changes. Immediately, immediately she looks at me like what I've just said is pathetic. When she could see her problem reflected back on her from someone she cared about. It looks so pathetic. It looked very easy to solve. And without the cloud of mist, without the emotional mist around us.
13:58 Steven Bartlett? If for some bizarre reason, and this has been supported by science and multiple psychological studies. We're able to think so much more rationally. And she immediately could think of solutions for me when I had her problem. She was so compassionate, so unbelievably compassionate. And you know, remember earlier on in this podcast, I said that the problem isn't the problem. It's the way you think about the problem. So how is one gonna solve their own thinking with your own thinking? When in fact your thinking is the problem. It's a bit of a conundrum, right? But it does make sense. I've been over this a couple of times. But for some remarkable reason, when we're in a cloud of emotion about our, our own problems. We can't reason clearly, but we can still think rationally about the exact same problem.
14:43 Steven Bartlett? If it's happening outside of the cloud of our own emotion to someone else. And we're especially compassionate if it's someone we love and dearly want the best for. No matter what I've tried in my life, no matter how mature, experienced or wise I've become over the years. At times I still can't think clearly outside of my own cloud in a certain situation. Especially heavily emotional situations. So I do this exercise to help me find the correct and compassionate way forward. It feels really fucking silly. And if, if I was to read this in a self-help book, I'd probably just turn the page, right? I'm not into all that fluff and all that crap, right? So you can probably be, trust the fact that if it comes from me, someone that doesn't believe in fluff and crap and bullshit.
15:26 Steven Bartlett? That isn't logical or proven by science or doesn't have some kind of psychological evidence to support it. Then I, then I tend to throw it in the bin, but I promise you this is backed by science. I've read about it and I promise you it's worked for me. And you know, I really, really hope it works for you. You can do it on paper. Once you've mastered the art of doing it on paper or on the notes in your phone. Then you can do it without paper and that's something that I default to now in almost every circumstance that consumes me. I really hope that works for you.
15:56 Steven Bartlett? You know, this week I posted something on my LinkedIn and my Twitter. It was just a thought that I had and it went pretty, pretty crazy. And on LinkedIn, it's been viewed by half a million people already. It caused a tremendous, tremendous debate, but the vast majority of people, about 98% of people, completely agreed. And this is the statement that I made. I said, unpopular opinion, the rise in young people wanting to be entrepreneurs and isolating themselves and working remotely or alone in co-working spaces is going to make this generation more miserable, lonely, burnt out and purposeless than any generation that has come before them. And I said this because I know at the end of the day, we are tribal animals and we gain
16:37 Steven Bartlett? great meaning from having supportive communities around us and shared goals that we're working towards. You know, my, the most empty days in my life, and I might have talked to you guys about this before on this podcast, were the days that I spent as a remote consultant, or when I was doing freelance work for a little bit, or when I was building my startup alone in my bedroom in a boarded up house in Moss Side for two years. And you know, this sounds crazy and contradictory and hypocritical coming from an entrepreneur, but being an employee in a supportive, high trust and high freedom environment where you're doing meaningful work that matters to you and that you enjoy is so, so underrated, right?
17:20 Steven Bartlett? Largely because of disingenuous hustle porn star entrepreneurs who are trying to convince you that being your own boss is inherently superior because they've got an agenda, right? But, but my advice is to try and create a set of principles, completely agnostic to the solution. Try and create a set of principles that matter to you. One might be freedom, one might be working with good people that aren't assholes. One might be and should be meaningful work. One might be and should be doing something you're good at or something you stand a chance of being good at. And number five might be work-life balance, right? And, and make your career choice agnostically based on your principles. Whether that leads you to becoming an entrepreneur or whether it leads you to becoming a, an employee at a great company.
18:03 Steven Bartlett? And, and really, the other thing that I had to debunk is this idea that you can be your own boss. It is a total myth. I, I, I work more now than I've ever done as an employee. Obviously, that work feels more meaningful. Because my previous jobs were predominantly in sales and telesales and things like that. But I also answer to more people now than I ever have in my life. I have investors, I have clients, I have customers, I have the government to answer to. And I only really had one person to answer to when I was an employee. And, you know, this message sometimes is construed a little bit. People say, no, co-working is amazing. It is. Remote working is amazing too. But when you do it in total isolation, it's unhealthy. I'm not discouraging entrepreneurs.
18:46 Steven Bartlett? I'm not telling you not to become an entrepreneur. I'm encouraging healthy entrepreneurship. Entrepreneurship that doesn't sacrifice these fundamentals that make humans happy and full of joy. There's this obsessive optimization of our lives. And it's made loneliness just this epidemic within all of us, and especially within entrepreneurs. We're incredibly lonely people these days. You know, loneliness is currently considered at epidemic levels by any government standard. And there was a really recent study of twenty thousand adults who live in Western countries. And it found that nearly half of them feel like they are alone. Nearly half of them said they didn't have meaningful in-person social interactions on a daily basis.
19:30 Steven Bartlett? And half of them said that sometimes or always, they feel that their relationships aren't meaningful and they feel isolated from others. Shockingly, one-fifth of people surveyed said they feel that they have absolutely no one to talk to. A large proportion of adults over the age of forty-five suffer from chronic loneliness, while younger people, the people that are aged between eighteen and thirty-seven, who are ironically the most connected generation ever, if you consider social media connection, are the single loneliest generation in recorded history. So eighteen to thirty-seven-year-olds living today are the single loneliest generation in recorded history.
20:09 Steven Bartlett? You know, clearly, social networks aren't that social after all, and clearly, an internet connection doesn't guarantee human connection. This is where it gets. Really bonkers, no pun intended. The loneliness epidemic is so bad that world leaders have now been forced to intervene. The British Prime Minister that we've just kicked out, Theresa May, appointed the first Minister for Loneliness in January 2018. And when she did that, she declared that this was a decision taken to address the sad reality of modern life. And in doing so, the fight against isolation became official business of the central government. This news left me with this disturbing dystopian vision of the government screaming at us
20:52 Steven Bartlett? through public tannoy, "Talk to each other for fuck's sake", while we stand anxiously in lifts and underground trains and in other public spaces. You know, take it from me, as someone that did it, someone that spent years in isolation to start a business, someone that made it and got there and can look back and scream back down the ladder to anybody that's not there yet, or anybody that is. The best days of my life were not the days when I sat alone building my startup in isolation in a rundown house in the middle of nowhere, right? The best days of my life were the days where I was surrounded by good people doing meaningful work. And anybody that tells you otherwise is probably, and I'm not saying definitely, is probably
21:34 Steven Bartlett? lying, or they have too much of a bias to realise, or a lack of self-awareness to realise how they actually feel or felt. Take it from me. Okay, the next point in my diary is one that I've really never touched on, quite surprisingly. You know, I do these stickers on Instagram where I ask my audience to ask me a question. And something has always puzzled me to some degree, but I guess I kind of understand it because of the intensity of my life. People always ask the question, when I do a public Q and A, "Steve, how are you feeling?" I get asked that question all the time. I believe that question's coming from a compassionate, empathetic place. And I've never really answered the question because it's a fairly long answer, but I'm going to answer that question today. How am I feeling?
22:19 Steven Bartlett? In this exact moment, I'm tired. I'm almost tired to the point where I'm mildly delusional. It's 3am, I didn't sleep yesterday, didn't get great sleep the night before either. And it's not that I can't sleep, it's that I'm busy. So I'm waking up early, I'm going, I've got a flight to Berlin in literally two hours. So. I'm probably not gonna get much sleep tonight either. I function fairly well, but I I do feel the tiredness. And I'm really fucking tired now. And I also had one of those weeks where the bad news was pretty constant, right? That coupled with tiredness creates a high risk situation for my state, right? If I'm tired and bad news shows up, then that creates a risk situation for my state.
23:05 Steven Bartlett? Right? And in those moments, I have to be incredibly conscious about my thoughts and the and my actions. Because again, as I said, your thoughts are causing your actions. And if my if my thoughts are as susceptible to tiredness or bad nutrition, or whatever it might be, then my actions can get pretty unfavorable. And just like you, I'm a fucking human being. And tiredness, poor nutrition and bad news are risk factors that can trigger behaviour I don't like. That's the micro answer to your question. The macro answer is a little bit different. The long term, big picture answer is, and honestly always has been the same, I'm so, so happy. To the point that I I literally just got goosebumps when I said that. I'm so grateful, and I always have been so grateful.
23:47 Steven Bartlett? Um, to the point where I could literally cry tears of happiness at any moment if I really, really dwell on how happy and how grateful I feel. That's the thing. That's the thing that lives at the core of me. All of the other shit, tiredness and bad news, just dances somewhere on the surface in the short term. Again, that core, that internal fulfillment is maybe something I don't have the awareness to fully explain the origin of. And I'm conscious of the fact that if I guess where that's come from, if I guess where that internal sense of happiness and fulfillment has come from, I might be misleading you. I'm conscious of the fact that none of us fully appreciate the full array of the factors that have led us to be where we are today. You know, successful people rarely point to luck and timing.
24:30 Steven Bartlett? They point to their hard work and their intelligence. In the same way, happy people often demonstrate the same biases. When you try and ask them why they're happy, they might say, I just look on the bright side, I just smile. But the reality is perhaps uh much more innate, right? And. Despite me saying that I'm still gonna guess, I'm still gonna guess where that core of me comes from. I'm gonna try and tell you why I think I'm internally happy all the time. Number one, I'd say, is I'm living a life I love. One, that's true to me, you know, and I've quit everything that wasn't that. And my ability to quit, I guess you've got, you've got, you've got to then ask, where does that ability to quit stuff? Or where does that ability or strength come to pursue your passions?
25:12 Steven Bartlett? I think my ability to quit things and run in the direction of uncertainty of the thing that I think will make me happier at the potential cost of my family disowning me as they did, or warnings of failure as school or university will give you, was probably a mixture of nature and nurture. I probably don't know what made me that fearless. But I do know for a fact that you can become more fearless. I know that because I've seen it happen. Number two, I think there's probably some genetic disposition that I have that I, that I'll probably never be aware of. And I say that because you see patterns in families and my family are pretty optimistic throughout. There's not someone in my family that I don't consider to be optimistic.
25:55 Steven Bartlett? Number three, thoughts make me inherently grateful and positive. And where do my thoughts come from? Probably that genetic predisposition, probably my nature and my nurture. Number four, I think always that I'm in control of my circumstances. I think I have this internal locus of control and studies show that when people think that they are not in control, they typically get more depressed, they have a higher sort of chance of getting anxiety and, and, and other sort of mental ailments. So I think that's number four. Number five, podcasting, journaling and analysing my own thoughts. I think that has made me more resistant to toxic external influences. I think that self-awareness and being aware of what I'm thinking and feeling has made me happier constantly.
26:41 Steven Bartlett? You know, I don't believe Instagram. I don't believe some hater that tells me I'm a fucking worthless idiot. I have healthy mechanisms to deal with external influence, to process it and to make my own decisions. Instagram might tell me that I'm this, or I'm not fashionable enough, or I'm not skinny enough, or I'm whatever. I don't believe that. So external influences go through my own filter before they, um, before they become part of my reality or part of my thoughts. And I think that's incredibly important, too. That's my guess. Maybe I'm wrong.
27:13 Steven Bartlett? The next point in my diary this week is about the podcast sponsor, which is Boost by Facebook. They are a dedicated one stop shop for entrepreneurs, for CEOs, for small businesses, job seekers, and anybody with ambition that's looking to thrive in this digital economy. They launched with the aim of creating a place where all of us can understand this new world of digital and social. It can be incredibly intimidating. My mum, I was talking to her about Boost with Facebook the other day. She doesn't know how to use a phone. She doesn't know how to type and she's trying to run a business in 2020 and compete against people that do. Boost is a place for people like her, where she can learn more about the digital economy, about features and skills and training and all of the things that matter, the things
27:56 Steven Bartlett? that might level the playing field for her as someone that doesn't know about this new world that we live in. You can learn more about this at facebook.com/boostwithfacebookUK. And if you do check it out, drop me a message and let me know how you find it. I always pop on there every now and then to try and make sure I'm staying ahead of the curve. But yeah, do let me know how you find it.
28:17 Steven Bartlett? Point four in my diary. I wanted to do something this week on this podcast that I've never done before. And I wanted to pick one direct message that I've received of the thousands that I get weekly from people. Here's the thing that's really interesting. Imagine I get a thousand DMs a week, right? I would say 90% of them could be answered by one of five different responses. And that really goes to show, so imagine I get a thousand DMs. I think that if I wrote down five token responses, five set responses, I could answer 900 of them, maybe all of them. And what that shows is that we're all experiencing the same fundamental problems, but just in
29:02 Steven Bartlett? slightly different ways, in slightly different nuanced ways. But the fundamental problems are the same for all of us. And it's not until I was put in a position where, you know, I had 700,000 followers on Instagram and 700,000 on Facebook and millions of followers overall, and people started to send me their problems, that I was able to see that we're all going through the same shit, just in different ways. And people sometimes say to me, you know, how is it that you're wise? Or how is it that you can write things that are relatable to people? It's because I have that clarity and I have that bird's eye view. And so I'm able to say something. Which is simple, but it feels like it was for you. It feels like it fits your life. And the thing is, it does fit your life and it fits all of our lives. Cause we're all going through the same thing.
29:45 Steven Bartlett? So with that said, the DM that I've picked this week is from a guy called Adam. And I've asked Adam if I can share it without showing his full name. Adam said to me, hey, Stephen, I'm in such a hard spot in life right now. I have a handful of invention ideas and business ideas, but my current job has me travelling and working seven days a week, twelve hours a day. I've been trying to become a firefighter and in my current position, I'm a rescue technician doing technical rescue. But I'm getting burnt out and discouraged because I work so, so much. And it's so hard for me to apply for other jobs or to go for interviews. I don't know if I should take a huge risk and leave my job because I am so miserable.
30:29 Steven Bartlett? Even though it's, I guess, a good job. I'm so miserable. I've been holding on because I want to talk to a patent attorney about some of my new ideas, but I don't think I'm making enough money to do that. And I need to pay off my student loans. I know it's a long shot, but one of your posts just hit me hard and I don't know what to do. I know it's a long shot to talk to you because I'm sure you get thousands of messages and I don't, but I don't have anyone else to talk to.
30:56 Steven Bartlett? And here's my response to Adam, and of course I've messaged Adam back and I've actually said to Adam that, um, maybe we should jump on the phone and just have a phone call when, when the time is right for him and when he gets some time, because I'd love to really get to the bottom of this problem. But I wanted to share my, I guess, my response and my feeling towards this with everybody. And it's, it's, it's a, um, a fundamental problem that we all go through in almost every facet of our life. And it's this battle between uncertainty or certain misery, right?
31:28 Steven Bartlett? You know, people stay in miserable situations because they haven't got the strength or the foresight or the resources, so they think, to experience a moment of uncertainty. Uncertainty is this gap between the miserable situation you're in and the happy one you want to get to. It's a place you almost must have the guts to venture through if you want a chance of happiness. It's a vulnerable place. It's a place where the lights are off. It's a place where your future is unclear. It's a place where your comfort has abandoned you. But it's a place right before you reach the happiness you've so desperately been searching for. And, you know, the idea that we can swing straight from one miserable situation,
32:10 Steven Bartlett? straight into a happy one without experiencing any uncertainty, is an idea that is untrue, it is fictional. But it's also one that prevents people from making the jump because, you know, in the, in the, in the hopes of an easier route, they hold out for another chance to jump that won't involve any uncertainty or risk. And then, you know, decades pass. I'm here to tell you that that's bullshit, Adam. Every time you leave a negative situation, you know, a toxic relationship, a horrible job, whatever it might be, any miserable situation, the most unwelcome guest, that is uncertainty, shows up. And the feeling of uncertainty can feel so isolating that it might even make you consider not jumping
32:50 Steven Bartlett? at all, or going back once you've jumped, back to misery. And we, I think we all need to stop searching for happiness in the same place we lost it. But we also need to have that strength to weather uncertainty if we're ever going to get closer to the things that matter and that will deliver for us, the things that are for us. We need to have the faith, the strength and the wisdom to keep moving forward if we want to go forward. And of course, practicality matters. You need an income to support your kids, I get it. You need to pay your mortgage, I get it. We're not all privileged enough to have mummy and daddy light a path through uncertainty for us every time that we find ourselves there. The need for practicality matters.
33:30 Steven Bartlett? But it cannot be, and we cannot let it become our excuse for conceding to misery. We cannot abandon hope because of its presence. We cannot become its slave. It's not easy, not at all. But if your question to me is what do I do in that situation, Adam? My answer to you is you have no choice. You have to fight for your happiness at all costs. There is no decision to make here. You do not need my advice. There's just a plan to formulate. You have to leave, you have to get out, you have to go. And for the sake of yourself and your family and your friends and everyone that loves you, you have to go and make yourself happy. If your concern is being able to provide for others, you know, there was this monk in New York that I got to ask a question.
34:14 Steven Bartlett? I went to this big talk and I'd never go to talks, but this monk is so, so wise and so famous. So I went along to this talk and I said to this monk, I described this situation, but I was really talking about finances, you know, can I make myself a multimillionaire whilst still being able to serve others? And the monk said to me, just like a bottle of water, a bottle of full water, you can't pour out something for others that you don't have yourself. I'll say that again, we can't pour out for others that which we don't hold ourselves. If you become an empty bottle because you become miserable in your job and you fall into a state of depression, you can't provide for anyone at all. In fact, the data shows that if you fall into a depression, the likelihood is everyone around you, your family, your friends and the government will provide for you.
34:59 Steven Bartlett? They'll have to provide for you. So in that context, in fact, being selfish might just be the most selfless thing that you can do right now.
35:09 Steven Bartlett? The next part of my diary is super, super simple. Point five in my diary is just a lesson that I've learned. I, I don't, I'm not going to look quite on this, I'm not going to go deeper. I've learnt the value, especially in my romantic relationships of communication. And I think one of the biggest mistakes we make within our relationships, romantic or platonic, whatever, is we have expectations from people that we've never, ever communicated. And it causes this build up and resentment and problems. And this is the same in work. We have expectations from our colleagues, our employer, from our, you know, our subordinates, whatever it might be, that we've never, ever communicated. And it causes frustration for the person. Right, that isn't meeting your expectation, but also it causes frustration for you.
35:52 Steven Bartlett? So I just wanted to say to anybody listening to this, if you're going through a situation where your expectations aren't being met by your boyfriend, your girlfriend, I don't know, your dog, your cat, your boss, whatever, ask yourself, have I honestly communicated without sort of emotion, without any blame, have I communicated what I want? And so often, we haven't communicated what we want, we haven't communicated how we feel, and we're letting a problem foster and become more than a problem that we don't need to. And I've just learnt that lesson so clearly this week because I took an approach which I don't usually take within my like romantic relationships and I just communicated very, very honestly about how I was feeling, something I wouldn't have done before, maybe because
36:36 Steven Bartlett? of my ego or whatever it might have been, and the problem was resolved in like sixty seconds, it evaporated. And that was a problem that in my life probably would have started to compound, and when we get resentful and we feel contempt towards our partners or to whatever, you know, bosses or colleagues, these problems, they just compound and get worse and worse and this, you know, this molehill becomes a mountain and communication can stop the molehill becoming a mountain and turn it back into just a pile of sand. Yeah, that's the point.
37:09 Steven Bartlett? My last point today, and maybe this podcast is a little bit shorter because I'm so unbelievably tired and I know you want me to sleep because I know that you guys do care about me, and I want me to sleep because my flight is in about an hour's time, is about the Diary of a CEO Live. And I, you know, I'm, let me just, I don't even know where to start with this, can I say thank you? Because honestly, the, the reaction to the Diary of a CEO Live, which is the first ever live event we're doing in Manchester with a special guest, Umar Kamani, is going to be much more than what I think people think it is. I think people think I'm going to walk out and do a podcast live, not the case, okay? I wouldn't do that to you. But the event sold out instantaneously. We had about eight hundred tickets go on sale in three different waves and every wave
37:54 Steven Bartlett? sold out instantaneously and it blew my socks off, right? But one thing I didn't do for the loyal people that listen to this podcast, week in, week out, is I didn't give you a chance to get tickets. And so before we put the tickets on sale, I said to my team, just keep 50 tickets back. Just keep a couple of tickets back. And when I do my podcast, after the Diary of a CEO Live tickets have sold out and gone on sale, I will give the podcast listeners that didn't get a chance to buy tickets, a chance to get some tickets that are held back. And so I created a special website, very secret website, just for you and me listening to this podcast called thediaryofaceounlocked.com. If you go to that link, you will find a private link to buy tickets.
38:39 Steven Bartlett? There's no thousands of people waiting at 9am to get tickets on that link. It's really just the people that listen to this podcast. And if you didn't manage to get tickets, you can buy tickets there. And there's only about 50 tickets available there because the capacity of the venue is about eight, nine hundred and we're pretty much already sold out. But there you go. If you didn't manage to get tickets, and I've had tons of messages from people that didn't, there's your chance and I can't wait for the event. I really, really can't wait for the event. I'm going to give it my all and I'm going to meet everybody that I possibly can. I will stay for hours after to be able to shake your hand, to be able to talk to you, to be able to take photos and do all of those kinds of things. And that's my promise to you. That's what I always do as well, if you know me. Thank you for listening.
39:22 Steven Bartlett? If this is your first time listening to this podcast, do me a massive favor. Or even if it's not, and even if you listen to them time and time again, but haven't subscribed, do me a huge favor and just hit that subscribe button. It means that you'll get the podcast first when they come out. And I'm going to continue to use that link, thediaryofaceunlocked.com, to seed out special things to just this audience. So being a subscriber, and if you do listen quickly when the podcasts come out, will make you susceptible to some awesome prizes going forward. I'm incredibly, incredibly tired. I've got one of the most incredible weeks coming up this next week. And for those of you that were OG fans of the vlog that I did every single day. I've got a major announcement to make to you that I'm only gonna make here.
40:05 Steven Bartlett? And we've started filming again for the vlog, which means that every day of my life is going to be filmed. We're gonna release it once a week, but we're gonna film everything. And the big difference between this series and the series we made before, which I know a lot of you loved, is this, the theme of this series is real, realness, which means you're gonna see everything. In fact, there's a camera recording me right now, sat here in my boxer shorts, speaking into this microphone. You're gonna see everything, and I mean that. You're gonna see me in the bathtub, you're gonna see me packing, getting ready. You're gonna see the 4am's, you're gonna see the everything. I want to experiment and I want to show you that, so stay tuned. I hope you have an amazing, amazing, amazing week.
40:50 Steven Bartlett? Thank you as always for listening to this podcast and I'll see you again soon.
Previous E46: Diane Modahl - Doping, Defeat and Determination Next E48: Jamie Laing & Ed Williams - The Sweet Success Page updated October 26, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated
