RE-RELEASE: COMMENT SECTION: ALL STARS Ft. Brittany Broski and Caleb Hearon | Episode 224

RE-RELEASE: It’s All-Stars week! In what some have already called the crossover episode of the century, Brittany Broski and Caleb Hearon join Drew to claim their title as the Comment Section’s first returning guests. The trio talk about their high school proms gone wrong, bodyguarding, being mother-pilled, Caleb setting up a fortune teller booth at a house party, Drew’s driving incident, a cameo from Caleb’s mom to confirm lore about his childhood, and so much more. Subscribe to The Comment Section, now on Youtube! https://www.youtube.com/@thecommentsectionwithdrew Follow The Comment Section on IG: https://www.instagram.com/thecommentsection/ Caleb IG: https://www.instagram.com/calebsaysthings/?hl=en Brittany IG: https://www.instagram.com/brittany_broski/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  I said, "Cooper, what cologne do you wear?" And he said, "Oh, I don't, it's just like, I don't know, my mom gets it for me." And I go, "Oh, yeah, but like, what is..." And he goes, "I really don't know, my mom gets it for me." Every time I get a chance, I'm like, "Cooper, do you even know like what the bottle looks like?"

• 0:17Speaker 00

  But I'm trying to play it cool, and he's like, "Oh, yeah, I don't remember, man." And like, literally, I'm being so persistent, because I think I'm being coy, you know? And then, finally, I go, "I need to know what cologne you wear."

• 0:30Drew Afualo?

  And you're gonna fuck it down now.

• 0:32Speaker 00

  And he goes, "If I tell you, will you just stop talking to me?" And I go, "Yeah."

• 0:44Drew Afualo?

  Hey, everyone, and welcome back to another episode of the Comment Section Show, starring me, your fave, everybody knows me, who gives a fuck about me. Today, I have an unbelievably requested episode, and by requested, I mean like, from me only. It's Brittany Broski and Caleb Hearon.

• 1:01Speaker 00

  Cheers, hey, cheers for real.

• 1:03Speaker 02

  Cheers to a damn good time.

• 1:05Speaker 00

  Hey, can I make a toast?

• 1:07Speaker 02

  I wish you would.

• 1:08Speaker 00

  Now, here's to the nights we'll never remember.

• 1:12Speaker 00

  With the people we'll never forget. Cheers to y'all. Cheers to y'all.

• 1:20Drew Afualo?

  Uh-oh, cunting, cunting.

• 1:22Speaker 00

  I fear she cunted.

• 1:27Drew Afualo?

  Say the one you said before we started.

• 1:28Speaker 00

  It's time to cunt.

• 1:29Drew Afualo?

  Say the one you said before we started, Brittany.

• 1:36Speaker 02

  What did I say?

• 1:37Drew Afualo?

  Cunting. It was a JFK reference.

• 1:39Speaker 02

  Oh, I said, "She shot the mother bullet that killed John F. Cuntin."

• 1:44Speaker 02

  Tell what you wanted.

• 1:45Speaker 00

  My favorite movie. My favorite movie is Good Will Cuntin'.

• 1:48Drew Afualo?

  Good Will Cuntin'.

• 1:51Drew Afualo?

  I just started changing all of the breakfast cunt.

• 1:57Drew Afualo?

  Anyways, welcome back to the show. My very first repeats.

• 2:01Speaker 02

  Hey.

• 2:02Drew Afualo?

  Second time.

• 2:03Speaker 02

  So, and you know who we're missing? Leo Gonzalez.

• 2:06Speaker 00

  Leo, where are you, honey?

• 2:07Speaker 02

  He's banned from the building.

• 2:08Drew Afualo?

  We forgot about him.

• 2:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, I saw his picture up around the security booth, and they said, "Don't let this man in."

• 2:13Drew Afualo?

  Yeah, it said, "Wanted shoplifter."

• 2:17Speaker 00

  He was stealing from the studio.

• 2:18Drew Afualo?

  I'm sure he was. I can't prove it, but...

• 2:21Speaker 00

  God bless his heart.

• 2:21Drew Afualo?

  I still told them to hang up the signs regardless, just in case.

• 2:23Speaker 02

  Kleptomaniac freak.

• 2:25Drew Afualo?

  Welcome back to the show. Brittany and Caleb are two of my most popular episodes to date.

• 2:30Speaker 00

  Oh my god.

• 2:31Speaker 02

  And have you got your royalty check?

• 2:33Speaker 00

  Oh yeah.

• 2:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, I got home the other day, there was a Ferrari in the driveway. That's for true.

• 2:39Speaker 02

  That's real sweet.

• 2:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:41Drew Afualo?

  And then I sent Brittany vibes.

• 2:44Speaker 00

  Brittany loving it. No, she did it to be mean because she knows my big ass can't fit in this car.

• 2:47Drew Afualo?

  I said, "You can't?" I guess I'll drive it home.

• 2:49Speaker 00

  No, my fuck.

• 2:50Drew Afualo?

  Oh, fuck. Oh, I hate that. Well, thanks for coming back, y'all. Your jerseys are hanging in the rafters, all stars.

• 2:56Speaker 00

  It's a pleasure to be here. I feel like I'm home again.

• 2:59Speaker 02

  4XL jersey.

• 3:02Speaker 02

  4XL shoe jersey.

• 3:04Speaker 00

  Hold on, not too much on the sizes. Not too much on the size of the jerseys there. You're getting a little too small to be talking like that. You better put some pounds back on before you implicate me in the 4X bit.

• 3:15Drew Afualo?

  Trust and believe. Am I allowed a 4X? You want to check the tag on my underwear?

• 3:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:20Drew Afualo?

  Let's check it then.

• 3:21Speaker 00

  Get in there. See what you find.

• 3:22Drew Afualo?

  Don't mind the skitties. I just pulled my fucking pants out.

• 3:27Speaker 00

  I'll show hole on this episode.

• 3:28Drew Afualo?

  And?

• 3:29Speaker 00

  Are those cameras 4K? You all aren't gonna like what you see.

• 3:33Drew Afualo?

  The light bar setup and everything. Softbox lighting.

• 3:36Speaker 00

  Oh my god, a beautiful hole shot from me at the end of the episode. Stay tuned.

• 3:40Drew Afualo?

  And then I'm gonna do a voiceover like National Geographic.

• 3:43Speaker 00

  The predator moves in on his prey. It's Brittany just moving towards me with a couple fingers. No, we gotta cut that, obviously.

• 3:49Drew Afualo?

  Two in the pink, one in the stink.

• 3:53Speaker 02

  Now where is Caleb's pink? I don't really know about his stink.

• 4:00Speaker 00

  I don't have one, y'all. And it makes me feel, fuck, I'm gonna fucking cry.

• 4:06Speaker 00

  No, I'm gonna fucking cry because I feel so out of place with y'all. Like, I'm literally like a man in this space.

• 4:11Drew Afualo?

  Giving Caleb gender to 4X.

• 4:18Speaker 00

  Oh, shut up.

• 4:19Drew Afualo?

  I'm sure you have a pink somewhere.

• 4:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:21Drew Afualo?

  I'll get in there and I'll look.

• 4:22Speaker 00

  Everything down there is big.

• 4:25Drew Afualo?

  I'm willing to get my hands dirty.

• 4:27Speaker 00

  You put on gloves up to your elbows. Let me in there.

• 4:30Drew Afualo?

  I'm gonna pull my sleeves up.

• 4:36Drew Afualo?

  Fist to cuffs.

• 4:37Speaker 00

  Let's go. I would, I would think I would fight y'all if I had the opportunity.

• 4:39Speaker 02

  I would lose.

• 4:40Drew Afualo?

  You think? I think Brittany would start laughing, to be honest.

• 4:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:43Speaker 02

  Y'all would beat my ass to the point where I would have to be permanently hospitalized.

• 4:47Drew Afualo?

  She'd be like, ah, no.

• 4:49Speaker 00

  You would beat my ass. I've seen the videos of you in the gym and I go, I'd lose.

• 4:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:53Speaker 00

  Cause I'm not strong, I'm just big.

• 4:55Speaker 02

  Which is a strength.

• 4:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:57Drew Afualo?

  I think, yeah, the pen is your sword.

• 4:59Speaker 00

  Oh, God.

• 5:00Drew Afualo?

  That's why.

• 5:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's true.

• 5:01Drew Afualo?

  Your wit.

• 5:02Speaker 00

  My wit?

• 5:02Drew Afualo?

  I think that's more than enough.

• 5:03Speaker 00

  Oh, my God. Well, yeah, that brings me to my first point of the show. Thank y'all so much for being on. I think y'all wanted, in the text messages, y'all said that you wanted to compliment me straight to camera, right?

• 5:13Drew Afualo?

  I think that was in the show notes?

• 5:14Speaker 00

  Was that, oh, I think, we're the producers. Didn't we have in the show notes? Compliment Caleb straight to camera for three minutes each? Well, this is terribly humiliating, but go ahead.

• 5:25Drew Afualo?

  Okay.

• 5:25Speaker 02

  We wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable.

• 5:27Speaker 00

  No, I'll, I'll get through it.

• 5:31Drew Afualo?

  I, obviously, everyone on this show knows that I'm the biggest fan ever of both Brittany and Caleb. I'd be doing PR for y'all.

• 5:37Speaker 02

  It's true.

• 5:38Drew Afualo?

  Technically speaking.

• 5:39Speaker 02

  It's true.

• 5:39Drew Afualo?

  For free.

• 5:40Speaker 02

  And we're actually running the book tour.

• 5:41Drew Afualo?

  Yeah. It's like, my invoices are unanswered as of right now, but don't worry, I'll keep sending them.

• 5:46Speaker 00

  When your team texted Brittany and I on a group message and said, will you guys do security for Drew's book tour? I will say there was a moment of a side chat where we said, hold on, is that offensive?

• 5:57Speaker 02

  Is that racially profiling?

• 5:58Speaker 00

  Is that racially profiling?

• 5:59Drew Afualo?

  Yeah. Racially or body profiling?

• 6:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, well, you southern, big white people from this, so you said, well, and Brittany and I said, you know what? That's our girl. Let's do it.

• 6:08Drew Afualo?

  We'll do it.

• 6:08Speaker 00

  And we're gonna do it.

• 6:09Drew Afualo?

  Well, and your resume was just that picture of you in front of Aaron Carter. Is that who it was?

• 6:14Speaker 00

  You know about this, don't you?

• 6:15Drew Afualo?

  He bounced for Aaron Carter.

• 6:17Speaker 00

  I body guarded for Aaron Carter one night.

• 6:19Drew Afualo?

  Yeah.

• 6:19Speaker 02

  Is this like, there's...

• 6:22Speaker 00

  Ask any question you have.

• 6:23Drew Afualo?

  Hello?

• 6:24Speaker 00

  If I can talk.

• 6:25Drew Afualo?

  Take your time.

• 6:25Speaker 00

  Oh, oh, oh.

• 6:28Speaker 00

  Come back. Come back. Brittany, this is my, this is my impression of Brittany just now. Is...

• 6:36Drew Afualo?

  A stroke, mid-sentence.

• 6:37Speaker 02

  She short circuited, Jesus.

• 6:39Drew Afualo?

  What thought of you being a bodyguard literally made her short circuit for a second?

• 6:43Speaker 02

  Someone's in this DP grill.

• 6:45Speaker 00

  Oh, we're drinking DP in the mugs.

• 6:46Speaker 02

  We're doing DP.

• 6:47Drew Afualo?

  Sorry, that's just the perp.

• 6:48Speaker 02

  Full sugar.

• 6:49Drew Afualo?

  Don't mind it.

• 6:50Speaker 02

  Didn't mind us. Have you all seen that fucking tweet that's that white girl who tweeted and she said, um, lean is a drug?

• 6:59Speaker 02

  What am I talking about?

• 7:02Speaker 00

  I do not.

• 7:03Speaker 02

  Whatever, let's move on.

• 7:04Drew Afualo?

  Yeah, it was me.

• 7:04Speaker 02

  Okay, you bodyguarded for fucking Nick Cannon, I don't wanna say.

• 7:07Drew Afualo?

  Aaron Carter. Whatever.

• 7:10Speaker 00

  If I bodyguard for Nick Cannon, I'd have a kid by now.

• 7:12Drew Afualo?

  At least two.

• 7:13Speaker 00

  I'd be pregnant.

• 7:14Drew Afualo?

  He would have found a way to impregnate you, for sure.

• 7:16Speaker 02

  That's true.

• 7:17Speaker 00

  I'm always trying to get somebody to impregnate me. I would love to carry.

• 7:20Speaker 02

  Well, what are you doing after this?

• 7:22Speaker 00

  Would you get me pregnant?

• 7:23Drew Afualo?

  Um, if I could be a deadbeat mother.

• 7:26Speaker 00

  I don't see any other way.

• 7:28Drew Afualo?

  Was there another option?

• 7:29Speaker 00

  I wouldn't have you involved in the kids.

• 7:33Speaker 00

  No.

• 7:33Drew Afualo?

  That's valid. Okay, well, tell me the story. I don't know this.

• 7:35Speaker 00

  Well, I bodyguard for Aaron Carter. It was one night I was in college. And, um, you know, he was coming to campus and he didn't have a security detail. And so, for sure. And, um,

• 7:44Drew Afualo?

  Who's the biggest, gayest guy we know?

• 7:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, they said, what's the biggest faggot in three square miles? They said, who do we have?

• 7:52Drew Afualo?

  That's with any place you go, that's gonna be top spot, big dog.

• 7:55Speaker 00

  That's me. I'm big dog. I'm, hey, I'm, I'm, I'm king shit on Big Dick Mountain, everywhere I go. Everywhere I go. And, uh, yeah, so, so me and my buddy on the Student Activities Council, they said, well, that he needs security. And I said, I'm on it. We walked around campus all day with walkie talkies pretending to like, you know, scout the place. And then, yeah, I bodyguard for him all night. He kissed me on the forehead. It was beautiful.

• 8:17Drew Afualo?

  And you made passionate love.

• 8:18Speaker 00

  It was beautiful.

• 8:19Drew Afualo?

  In front of the audience.

• 8:20Speaker 00

  No, the audience did wanna fuck him, though. Isn't that funny? I mean, he really, because it was well past his time.

• 8:25Drew Afualo?

  Yeah.

• 8:25Speaker 00

  But they really wanted to, the girls were doing a nostalgia horniness.

• 8:29Drew Afualo?

  They were into it.

• 8:29Speaker 00

  Which is such a powerful horniness.

• 8:30Speaker 02

  I, I feel that way about Jesse McCartney.

• 8:32Speaker 00

  Really?

• 8:32Speaker 02

  Do you? Were y'all Jesse girls?

• 8:34Drew Afualo?

  Not really, no.

• 8:35Speaker 00

  Oh, Beautiful Soul?

• 8:36Drew Afualo?

  Beautiful Soul.

• 8:39Drew Afualo?

  I like the song.

• 8:40Speaker 02

  Or how about, "I speak Spanish, Japanese, French."

• 8:46Speaker 00

  A body, a body, a body language, come on.

• 8:52Speaker 00

  Oh, I was in it. I loved, y'all loved the music.

• 8:53Drew Afualo?

  I know that song, because he had a lot of big booty girls in that music video. Shaking ass.

• 8:57Speaker 02

  And we were what, nine?

• 8:58Drew Afualo?

  And I was like, oh, I'm into it. Okay. Okay, just make it a little flavor.

• 9:03Speaker 00

  I think I know the moment that my grandma figured out I was gay. Cause I was at her house for Thanksgiving and I was like, I was like, I want to show you a song that's really important to me. And she was like, okay. And I took her over to the desktop computer and I put on Beautiful Soul.

• 9:17Speaker 00

  And I was singing along and I was like.

• 9:21Drew Afualo?

  She's like gay.

• 9:23Speaker 00

  I'm looking back, I'm like.

• 9:27Drew Afualo?

  And then, look, I choreographed something to it as well.

• 9:29Speaker 00

  I'm like.

• 9:30Drew Afualo?

  Your body rolling.

• 9:31Speaker 00

  You know, and she, and literally.

• 9:34Drew Afualo?

  You're doing a heels dance.

• 9:36Speaker 00

  I'm square dancing.

• 9:38Drew Afualo?

  You have kneepads on?

• 9:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:39Drew Afualo?

  Wilderbeast. What's a playground?

• 9:42Speaker 00

  Hold on, not too much on Wilderbees.

• 9:43Drew Afualo?

  Dance play.

• 9:44Speaker 00

  What's happening with Wilderbees? I slide in the kneepads, I pull a chain.

• 9:49Speaker 00

  In my grandma's kitchen.

• 9:50Drew Afualo?

  So you have some shoe dazzle heels on.

• 9:52Speaker 00

  And she watched, she watched the whole thing and she went, that's nice. What is shoe dazzle heels?

• 9:56Drew Afualo?

  You don't remember shoe dazzle?

• 9:57Speaker 02

  Shoe dazzle was a shoe subscription service.

• 10:00Speaker 00

  What?

• 10:01Drew Afualo?

  And they were the world's ugliest shoes. I wore them to my sweet 16.

• 10:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, and guess what you know about Just Fab?

• 10:07Drew Afualo?

  Yeah, Just Fab Online, of course I know.

• 10:10Speaker 02

  Some of the worst blisters you could ever think of in your life.

• 10:13Drew Afualo?

  They're literally shoe subscription, like, websites and they were the gaudiest, most like Jersey Shore type heels.

• 10:19Speaker 00

  Is this an intergenerational gap that's happening here? How old are y'all?

• 10:23Drew Afualo?

  You're the same age as me, bitch.

• 10:24Speaker 00

  I'm like, Just Fab, I've never heard of these things in my life.

• 10:27Drew Afualo?

  And she's a fetus compared to us.

• 10:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:29Speaker 02

  I am very, very young.

• 10:30Drew Afualo?

  Yeah.

• 10:30Speaker 00

  You're developmentally very far behind us.

• 10:34Drew Afualo?

  Yeah, I would say you are a lot further behind us.

• 10:37Speaker 02

  Same age as I got a big forehead, that's fucked.

• 10:38Speaker 00

  You advocate for yourself though. When we all went to dinner the other night, you said, can we just pick a restaurant that has pictures on the menu?

• 10:45Drew Afualo?

  Cause words are hard and I don't want to do that.

• 10:47Speaker 00

  And I thought that was, I was like, stand up for yourself, girl.

• 10:50Drew Afualo?

  Advocate, no, but advocate for yourself, that's important.

• 10:53Speaker 02

  What does advocate mean?

• 10:57Speaker 02

  Could you spell it for me?

• 10:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, use it in a sentence.

• 11:00Drew Afualo?

  Use it in a sentence. Dude, the first time we all got dinner together, I thought that it was funny because you text, you group text us. And then you were like, if you bitches don't answer me, I'm gonna send a bomb to both of your houses. Like a couple days had passed and neither of us.

• 11:14Speaker 02

  I appreciate that. Me too.

• 11:16Drew Afualo?

  I need to be held that gunpoint.

• 11:17Speaker 02

  Me too. And it's such a, it's a quality about myself that I'm trying to work on of trying to be better about responding and not ghosting people because I do it to both of you.

• 11:27Drew Afualo?

  And Caleb's like, okay, well, let me know when you start working on it.

• 11:33Speaker 02

  When it's class one.

• 11:35Drew Afualo?

  Let me know when you start that journey.

• 11:36Speaker 00

  When the program kicks off, give me a holler.

• 11:40Drew Afualo?

  Go ahead and hit me up, girl.

• 11:41Speaker 02

  I was gonna say, you're good, both of y'all are good about like, and I said, don't double text me.

• 11:47Speaker 00

  Oh, I'll triple, quadruple text.

• 11:48Drew Afualo?

  Yeah. I'll literally, I'll literally at her in our group chat, you know, like it tells you extra like, hey bitch.

• 11:54Speaker 02

  Hello.

• 11:55Drew Afualo?

  Or sometimes she'll respond to memes on Instagram and I'm like, hey, oh, go ahead and hop over to that group chat. Answer the other fucking 30 questions I asked you.

• 12:03Speaker 00

  Oh, I'm glad you're having fun on Instagram. Let's pick up the phone and check out the text messages.

• 12:08Speaker 02

  I'm working on it, y'all.

• 12:09Drew Afualo?

  Well, as everybody here knows, I'm sure the three of us have never been together on the same pod before.

• 12:15Speaker 02

  So this is truly. Legally, we have not been allowed to.

• 12:18Drew Afualo?

  The restraining orders made that a little difficult.

• 12:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, the courts just lifted the embargo. And we were allowed into Brat Studios.

• 12:23Drew Afualo?

  And we're going stupid, going crazy.

• 12:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:33Drew Afualo?

  That is how it sounds when we all hang out, when we go to dinner.

• 12:36Speaker 00

  100% gay nonsense. I feel bad for every server who's ever encountered us.

• 12:39Drew Afualo?

  I know when we went to dinner the first time, like a few months ago, remember when we left, the hostess was like, man, you guys were laughing all night. I was like, is that derogatory?

• 12:49Speaker 00

  It felt like, she was like, you guys were laughing all night. It felt like it had a little bit of like, shut the fuck up.

• 12:53Drew Afualo?

  Yeah, she's like, yeah, go ahead and get the fuck out of here, by the way.

• 12:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:57Drew Afualo?

  At dinner, Jason said that was the first time the three of us ordered sodas. And she was like, oh, I'm good with water. And then Caleb was like, well, you think you're fucking better than us?

• 13:07Drew Afualo?

  And then she got a soda.

• 13:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, well.

• 13:09Speaker 02

  Grow up and order the DP.

• 13:11Drew Afualo?

  And then she necked it before the rest of us. You're all, oh, didn't want a soda, huh?

• 13:14Speaker 00

  By the way. Yeah.

• 13:16Drew Afualo?

  Didn't want one?

• 13:17Speaker 00

  Down to like a cartoon character sucking on a cactus in the desert.

• 13:21Speaker 00

  Just fucking ate that.

• 13:22Drew Afualo?

  Like Popeye with spinach?

• 13:28Speaker 00

  Here's what I'll say about me bullying Jason into getting a soda. People are scared to say this, bullying works, bring it back.

• 13:33Speaker 02

  Bring back shame and bullying.

• 13:35Drew Afualo?

  What do you think got me this show in the first place? Period.

• 13:38Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 13:39Drew Afualo?

  Thanks, guys. Now we get to terrorize people for a living.

• 13:43Speaker 00

  And I love that.

• 13:45Drew Afualo?

  Well, you terrorize them by being annoying, both of you.

• 13:46Speaker 02

  That's very true.

• 13:48Drew Afualo?

  Mine's being mean.

• 13:51Speaker 00

  I terrorize them live in person.

• 13:54Speaker 00

  I say, buy a ticket, come out, I'm gonna be horrible to you.

• 13:57Drew Afualo?

  And they do.

• 13:58Speaker 02

  It is truly at a Caleb show, it's like seals in an audience.

• 14:04Drew Afualo?

  That's how I feel in the audience.

• 14:05Speaker 02

  He's like, Ed, you're ugly and you're fat.

• 14:11Drew Afualo?

  We went and watched Caleb because I did an opening five for Caleb's show.

• 14:17Drew Afualo?

  First time doing stand-up and Caleb trusted me to do it and I said, okay, well, I did bring a gun, so. Hope that's cool with you.

• 14:23Speaker 00

  Someone's going out, I don't know if it's me or someone in the audience, but.

• 14:26Speaker 02

  Suicide.

• 14:26Drew Afualo?

  Just in case it bombs, I have a plan B, just so everybody knows.

• 14:29Speaker 00

  I did not allow you to do a set on the show. I begged you for months to do a set anywhere.

• 14:33Drew Afualo?

  Yeah.

• 14:34Speaker 00

  And then you came and did a phenomenal set. You were very good at it.

• 14:37Drew Afualo?

  Thank you very much.

• 14:38Speaker 00

  Did you have fun?

• 14:39Drew Afualo?

  I had honestly a blast. I was telling him, it felt like something completely different from like doing TikTok or whatever. Doing comedy online is very different. So the feeling was awesome.

• 14:48Speaker 00

  It's a rush.

• 14:49Drew Afualo?

  But I was nervous as fuck. I'm never nervous for work stuff, but I was really nervous for that.

• 14:53Speaker 02

  Because you were a theater kid adjacent, right?

• 14:56Drew Afualo?

  I did theater in school, but not a lot of it because I was an athlete too.

• 14:59Speaker 02

  It's that feeling of like, being on a stage where you can't see the audience and it's just the lights and it's like, okay, I hope I remember what I was going to do, but don't. And it's like also, they're there to see you because they love you. So that's, it's a pat on the back too.

• 15:13Speaker 00

  Brittany remembers that feeling from when she was in high school and she played the grandma in the Addams Family.

• 15:18Speaker 00

  Period true, period true.

• 15:19Speaker 02

  And that is a truth of mine.

• 15:20Speaker 00

  At Keller High School, I've seen picture, I found pictures.

• 15:22Speaker 02

  And did I win a Kelly Award? Yes, I did.

• 15:24Speaker 00

  Yes, you sure did. At Keller ISD in Texas.

• 15:27Drew Afualo?

  She's like, every time I was in theater, they always made me like, an old lady or a man.

• 15:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:32Drew Afualo?

  And I was like, okay. I did experiment with crossdressing at one point in my life.

• 15:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, for art, which is so beautiful.

• 15:38Drew Afualo?

  And then I started doing it behind closed doors.

• 15:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:41Drew Afualo?

  And that's drag.

• 15:41Speaker 02

  And that's drag, mom.

• 15:43Drew Afualo?

  This is like such a random story, but when I was in fifth grade, we did this project where you had to do like, it was like a human wax museum. So you had to pick someone that you admire in history. Do like a little paper on them and then I'm back to school and I get to dress like them. Write like a minute monologue and then like pretend you have a button and then someone would press it and then you'd have to recite a monologue.

• 16:03Drew Afualo?

  No one ever guesses because it's just the most absurd pick in the world.

• 16:07Speaker 02

  Who did you pick?

• 16:08Drew Afualo?

  I picked King George III. Which is the worst king in English monarch history, one of them.

• 16:13Speaker 00

  King Cora Y.

• 16:15Drew Afualo?

  I don't, I don't know.

• 16:20Drew Afualo?

  And I remember my, I was the only girl who crossdressed. I was the only one who picked a man. And also I did not pick someone I admired pers- I don't know why, like my teacher literally called my mom. It was like, I feel like she should pick somebody else. Like, let's look into him a little bit more. I feel like she should pick somebody else.

• 16:36Speaker 02

  She steadfast in her decision.

• 16:37Drew Afualo?

  Yeah, my mom was like, well, does she really want to do it? And then she was like, yeah, like she, she told me, I have all the material prepared because I did. And she was like, then just let her do it. Who gives a fuck?

• 16:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. Did you just like, hey, Noah, it's Miss Blake. Um, Drew's being a little dikey with her.

• 16:53Speaker 00

  Jury's out on Jason, but it's not looking good over there.

• 16:57Drew Afualo?

  Oh dude, sometimes I look back at my sister's crushes and I'm like, lesbian.

• 17:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:02Drew Afualo?

  She's so gay, it's crazy.

• 17:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:03Drew Afualo?

  Like some of the people she liked, I'm like, yeah, that, yeah.

• 17:06Speaker 00

  Like Jonathan Taylor Thomas. That was such a big, like anybody, when, when someone's like, someone's like Jonathan Taylor Thomas from Home Improvement, if it was a girl, I was like, you're gay.

• 17:15Speaker 00

  Sorry, you're gay.

• 17:16Speaker 02

  You know what was another one is, um, I, I had some gay cousins who had a similar thing, who loved Artie from Glee. That's their fave.

• 17:23Drew Afualo?

  That's their fave. And I was like, interesting.

• 17:27Drew Afualo?

  Of all the men on that show, huh?

• 17:29Speaker 02

  That is interesting.

• 17:31Speaker 00

  Hey, no worries and alright.

• 17:35Speaker 02

  We love you how you are.

• 17:37Speaker 00

  How you are, no worries.

• 17:38Speaker 02

  How you are.

• 17:39Drew Afualo?

  Yeah, it's like, that's okay, just not in front of me.

• 17:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, whatever you do in the privacy of your home.

• 17:45Drew Afualo?

  And I remember I was, um, King, uh, yeah, I was King George III.

• 17:48Speaker 02

  Do you have a fact for us about King George III that you remember?

• 17:51Drew Afualo?

  The only one I really remember is that he was one of, if not the worst, English monarch. Like, he, he tanked the economy, he, everybody hated him, he refused to die. Uh, and he like went, he went insane, like on the throne, he went insane and he refused to relinquish.

• 18:05Speaker 02

  You said, I'm low-key fucking with it.

• 18:06Drew Afualo?

  And I was like, and you know what? That's tea. Maybe he's on to something.

• 18:10Speaker 02

  We got motion, twin.

• 18:10Drew Afualo?

  Perseverance.

• 18:13Speaker 00

  Uh, he and I are not alike, cause I'll tell you, as soon as the opportunity to die presents itself, I'm taking it. I will not fight.

• 18:19Drew Afualo?

  I'm jumping on it.

• 18:20Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, when you see people, people coming out of comas and they're like, she's a fighter. I'm not. I'll go.

• 18:25Drew Afualo?

  Go ahead, let me go.

• 18:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, I've had a good time, but I'm not begging to stick around, you know what I mean?

• 18:29Speaker 02

  You do strike me as like Gil from Finding Nemo, just like, just been through it. The whole scarred one.

• 18:35Drew Afualo?

  That's the, that's the fish that people say they're attracted to.

• 18:38Speaker 00

  I know that's fucking right.

• 18:41Speaker 00

  I know that's fucking right.

• 18:42Drew Afualo?

  There you go.

• 18:42Speaker 00

  I wish I had a face scar. God, I would work that.

• 18:45Speaker 02

  Drew's nails can make it happen.

• 18:46Speaker 00

  God, I would work it, y'all cut me. Y'all cut me on the show.

• 18:50Drew Afualo?

  I'm like, I don't need that.

• 18:54Speaker 02

  Comedically large sword.

• 18:56Drew Afualo?

  Sometimes I look at my past when I was like a child and I'm like, yeah, I needed attention bad. This makes sense. You know what I mean? Yeah, I needed that.

• 19:04Speaker 00

  Anything to be different.

• 19:05Drew Afualo?

  Yeah, and literally anything at all.

• 19:07Speaker 00

  Blood stand out.

• 19:08Speaker 02

  Did you guys have any memories like that when you were kids?

• 19:10Speaker 00

  I'll tell you what, I got one.

• 19:12Speaker 02

  Let's hear it.

• 19:13Speaker 00

  Every day for about two years, I, I refused to wear anything except for cowboy boots with a full Kansas City Chiefs win suit. And a little cowboy hat, and here's what I would do to play. This was my play, okay?

• 19:23Drew Afualo?

  Not play?

• 19:24Speaker 00

  This, this was my play, I was like seven, I would go out in the yard with a shovel. And I would dig in a ditch for a couple hours, I would just dig around, I'd move dirt around. And I'd go inside all dirty and sweaty and my mom would be like, how was work today?

• 19:36Drew Afualo?

  Why are you cosplaying blue collar?

• 19:39Speaker 00

  Girl, girl, the way I would go in the house, I'd be like rolling up my sleeves, I'd be like, can I get some water? She'd be like, can I get some water? And my coworkers were all imaginary, named after country music stars. I'd be like, oh, me, Kenny Chesney.

• 19:52Drew Afualo?

  By the way.

• 19:53Speaker 00

  Me, Kenny Chesney, Tim McGraw.

• 19:56Speaker 00

  I said, me, Kenny and Tim got about as much done as we could out there today, but it was a hot one. And my mom would be like, I know that's right, but I'm dead ass serious.

• 20:03Drew Afualo?

  Why are you doing physical? Reba's gonna wring my neck in the morning.

• 20:07Speaker 00

  I'm dead ass serious. Reba's gonna have my ass. I would go out there, I would go out there and dig ditches. And I would just dig all day long and I'd go inside. My mom, who's actually a single mom, working multiple jobs, by the way. Would have to like-

• 20:17Drew Afualo?

  She's like, I actually got enough going on.

• 20:18Speaker 00

  She would have to like play along to my little bits. We're gonna see if she answers me right now.

• 20:24Speaker 00

  Oh my God, answer on the first ring, pathetic, pathetic. Hey, Mom. She said, I don't have a life. Oh, girl, okay. Hey, you're on a podcast, so.

• 20:32Speaker 03

  Hi, Mom.

• 20:32Drew Afualo?

  Hi.

• 20:33Speaker 00

  My friends Brittany and Drew are here. Do you want to say hi?

• 20:35Drew Afualo?

  How are you? Hi.

• 20:37Speaker 03

  I'm good. How are you?

• 20:38Drew Afualo?

  Good.

• 20:39Speaker 00

  Hey, I wanted to ask you a quick question. You're on, you're on camera and, and audio, well, you're on audio. When I was a kid, did I, did I dress up in cowboy boots and a full Chiefs windsuit for like a year or two straight?

• 20:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, I had to basically wait for you to fall asleep and take it off of you.

• 20:56Drew Afualo?

  And what would he do in the windsuit when he was playing?

• 20:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, what would I do in the yard when I was playing with Kenny and Tim?

• 21:01Speaker 03

  You did all sorts of stuff with Kenny and Tim.

• 21:05Speaker 00

  Okay, not being very specific. Mom, the content's better if you say specific things.

• 21:10Speaker 03

  You talked to him. I had to set a plate at the table for him.

• 21:13Speaker 00

  She had to set a plate at the table for them?

• 21:16Speaker 03

  Yeah, for Kenny.

• 21:18Speaker 00

  I would get-

• 21:18Speaker 03

  They never made me for Kenny, but I had to for Timmy. I guess Kenny didn't deserve to eat.

• 21:23Speaker 00

  Would I or would I not go out and like play in the dirt and pretend that we had worked like a long, hard day?

• 21:28Speaker 03

  Oh, yes. Yes. He would come in and be so tired from working outside with Timmy and here I had worked a 12 hours.

• 21:39Speaker 00

  What I say, all right, I love you, girl. You have a good one, okay?

• 21:43Speaker 03

  Love you.

• 21:43Speaker 00

  Bye.

• 21:44Drew Afualo?

  She's like, yeah, here I am fucking toiling over three jobs, by the way.

• 21:48Speaker 00

  By the way, a nurse.

• 21:51Speaker 00

  And she has to hear me coming in being like, where's the water, bitch?

• 21:54Drew Afualo?

  God, and dinner's not ready?

• 21:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, on the table, bitch, you know? She was tickled pink by that. Did you hear at the end? She loved that.

• 22:03Drew Afualo?

  Oh, God.

• 22:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, she's down bad. She's down bad. She stands me hard.

• 22:08Drew Afualo?

  I like how you were cosplaying blue collar work.

• 22:11Speaker 00

  Oh, couldn't help it.

• 22:12Drew Afualo?

  Mine coal.

• 22:12Speaker 02

  You knew you would never.

• 22:14Speaker 00

  No, I knew then. I was like, this is about as dirty as it's gonna get for me.

• 22:17Drew Afualo?

  Yeah, you're like, I'm all about the pageantry of hard work, but not the actual hard work.

• 22:22Speaker 02

  Stolen valor.

• 22:22Drew Afualo?

  Like, physical, physical.

• 22:24Speaker 00

  Really stolen valor.

• 22:24Speaker 02

  Stolen valor, railroad workers.

• 22:27Speaker 00

  Do y'all, well, I'm looking at y'all's hands, and they've never worked a day in their lives, and so

• 22:30Drew Afualo?

  Obviously.

• 22:30Speaker 00

  The three of us, we have a lot in common in that.

• 22:32Speaker 02

  That is true.

• 22:33Speaker 00

  What was y'all's first job? What was y'all's first job?

• 22:35Drew Afualo?

  Very first job?

• 22:41Drew Afualo?

  I think it was like legitimately when I got paid for was in college and I worked in like the athletics, athletic department office. I was like an assistant.

• 22:50Speaker 00

  At the University of Hawaii?

• 22:51Drew Afualo?

  Yeah, I was literally like an errand running whore. Like, that's all I was. I was printing papers and putting them and getting yelled at.

• 22:57Speaker 00

  A golfer.

• 22:58Drew Afualo?

  Sweating in a two-type polo. That actually seems to be a theme in all my jobs.

• 23:02Speaker 00

  You were in those polos, bitch.

• 23:03Drew Afualo?

  Oh, girl.

• 23:04Speaker 00

  You were in there for a little bit.

• 23:04Drew Afualo?

  Button to the top. One mono boob.

• 23:07Speaker 02

  You were keeping Dick's Sporting Goods alive.

• 23:09Drew Afualo?

  Yeah, alive and well, actually.

• 23:11Speaker 00

  Not dicks, please.

• 23:11Speaker 02

  Academy. And you can guess, I was a Baskin Robbins employee.

• 23:15Speaker 00

  Thank you so much.

• 23:16Speaker 02

  By my fit knuckles from scooping.

• 23:19Drew Afualo?

  Your dirty, dirty palms.

• 23:20Speaker 02

  My calloused palms from scooping.

• 23:23Drew Afualo?

  How was that job?

• 23:24Speaker 02

  It was, um, I think every single person should have to work in the food industry.

• 23:29Drew Afualo?

  Yeah, I did. I was a server in college once.

• 23:31Speaker 02

  Yep. I think every single person should have to either prepare food for people or serve food to people.

• 23:36Drew Afualo?

  Yeah.

• 23:36Speaker 02

  Because it teaches you a lot about humanity and it teaches you a lot about how unhygienic places are. I was 16, mind you. They let me open and close the store by my lonesome.

• 23:47Drew Afualo?

  At 16 years old?

• 23:48Speaker 02

  I'm taking money out of the register.

• 23:50Drew Afualo?

  I'm scooping, like, digging my own spoon in there.

• 23:53Speaker 02

  Truly.

• 23:53Drew Afualo?

  Yeah, I'm double dipping. That's actually how COVID started.

• 23:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, in the daiquiri ice tub in the Baskin Robbins in South Lake, Texas. I had grown men coming in every day being like, the usual for me. This is my first day here.

• 24:09Speaker 02

  Also, their usual, a large praline milkshake.

• 24:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:14Speaker 02

  You know how large, this is how big a large is at Baskin Robbins, dude. That is a

• 24:20Drew Afualo?

  It's like that Panda Express cup, you know that shit? It's like 32 ounces.

• 24:24Speaker 02

  And then yelling at me when I'm like, sir, we ran out. You were dry.

• 24:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, you were in here yesterday and the day before. And the truck comes once a week, honey.

• 24:35Drew Afualo?

  You're like, that's 72 ounces of praline milkshake you've consumed, sir.

• 24:39Speaker 00

  Hey, baby, I'll talk to upper management, but for now.

• 24:42Speaker 02

  Pick a different one, you know what I mean?

• 24:44Drew Afualo?

  Let me see what I can get going for you.

• 24:45Speaker 00

  Oh, my God.

• 24:46Drew Afualo?

  Yeah, it was horrible. Being a server was the worst job I've literally ever had.

• 24:49Speaker 00

  Oh, I loved it.

• 24:50Drew Afualo?

  Did you?

• 24:50Speaker 00

  Oh, my God, I worked in food service for four years. At my first job ever, I decorated cakes at a Golden Corral.

• 24:55Drew Afualo?

  Period.

• 24:56Speaker 02

  Now, I did not know Golden Corral had decorated cakes.

• 24:58Speaker 00

  You better fucking believe it.

• 24:59Drew Afualo?

  That's your, that's your culture.

• 25:00Speaker 00

  They had little carrots on every slice.

• 25:01Drew Afualo?

  Golden Corral, that's where your people go to worship.

• 25:03Speaker 00

  Oh, my, yo, you're absolutely right about that.

• 25:05Drew Afualo?

  It's the closest thing to a temple that isn't owned by the church.

• 25:08Speaker 00

  100%. I loved waiting tables. I honestly miss it. I loved, I just loved it.

• 25:13Drew Afualo?

  That makes sense, yeah.

• 25:13Speaker 00

  I was like, I was like, I was like, what is going on, y'all?

• 25:18Drew Afualo?

  What am I, euphoric?

• 25:19Speaker 00

  I would go to a table and I'd be like, hey, hey.

• 25:23Speaker 02

  Boy, am I good to see you. I'm glad to see y'all.

• 25:24Speaker 00

  Oh, my God, I'm good to see y'all.

• 25:26Drew Afualo?

  Aren't you, aren't you a sight for sore eyes?

• 25:29Speaker 00

  I'm good to see y'all. I loved it. I, every single table, I was like, this is a new friend. I loved it so much. And when they ordered something complicated, I loved it even more.

• 25:36Drew Afualo?

  Because that's what fellowship.

• 25:38Speaker 00

  Because I said, what's gonna happen? I'm gonna get it right and you're gonna be, you're gonna be shocked. Oh, I loved it.

• 25:42Drew Afualo?

  It's community.

• 25:43Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 25:43Drew Afualo?

  It is. My first and last serving job, I worked in like a steakhouse in Hoy. And I told the guy upfront, I'm like, I can only work part time because I like had a full class load and another job. So I was like, this is like literally getting fucked up money. Like, this is the money I, so my other money can go towards my bills. This is for me getting drunk on the weekends. Period. And so, um, I made good money too, because it was like a high-end steakhouse. And I remember, he was like, okay, two, three days a week. I'm like, cool. I start working. It's hard as fuck, mind you. Why? I had to come in three hours before my shift and set up like the salad bar and everything. And I had to like. Three hours? Yeah, girl.

• 26:18Speaker 00

  Jesus Christ.

• 26:18Drew Afualo?

  That was our whole goddamn day.

• 26:19Speaker 00

  Were you harvesting the lettuce?

• 26:21Drew Afualo?

  I'm like packing it like in the back. I literally remember my very first day, he was like, you need shorts and a T-shirt is what I wore. And then like you had to have white shoes. And so the shorts, I thought he said black, but it's supposed to be khaki. So I brought black, like black shorts, same, the right length, whatever. And I was like, oh, I'm sorry. I was like, it's okay. I'll buy another one after today and then I'll wear them. He goes, well, you can't wear those on the floor. Like you have to be in uniform. And I'm like, well, I don't have any. He's like, don't worry, I have some. And you're probably wondering, didn't she say it was a man? Yeah, I did. And he went and got his backup cargo shorts, which turned out to be another man who served there. They were his shorts. Why they were at the restaurant? I don't know.

• 26:59Speaker 00

  Not sisterhood of the traveling cargo.

• 27:01Drew Afualo?

  I'm like, these are the community cargos. So he told me to put them on. Yeah, he told me to put them on. He's like, you can't serve unless you put these on. I put them on, they're men's cargo shorts. I'm not a man, obviously. So they're like tight as fuck on my fupa and my fucking stomach. And then they're like literally skin tight on the thighs. And then they bell bottom right here. So I look like the world's worst safari park ranger. And I'm like, you got me looking fucked. And I literally have a big ass camel toe and a wedgie.

• 27:30Speaker 00

  You got somehow a moose knuckle too.

• 27:34Drew Afualo?

  All of a sudden, I'm like, the moose knuckle comes with the cargos apparently. And I was like, I can't wear these. Like I was literally like in tears because I'm like, this is the fugliest I've ever looked. And I told him, I'm like, can I please put on my other shorts? He was like, no. So I served all night in those.

• 27:51Speaker 00

  And I know you did.

• 27:52Drew Afualo?

  And I had such bad chub rub and my legs weren't even touching. They were literally, and that's from the shorts, literally just chafing away, chafing away. And I thought to myself, yeah, I'm not gonna last year after that day. And I got fired. Uh oh.

• 28:07Speaker 00

  Uh oh, hold on. Hold the phone.

• 28:09Drew Afualo?

  I only served there for probably like two-ish months and then like. One day I came in and he told me, oh, so I I have shifts for you for a Christmas break. And I'm not, obviously didn't live in Hawaii, like I was going home. I was like, no, I told you I'm going home for the holidays. And he was like, well, if you want to move up in the restaurant industry, stop right there. I don't.

• 28:27Speaker 00

  Pause.

• 28:28Drew Afualo?

  Hey, I don't like I you made me look like a safari worker on my first day. I don't want to work here forever. Are you out of your fucking mind? And so I was like, yeah, no, I told you I can only do part time. I'm doing my three shifts a week. And he was like, oh, okay. Next time I came in to serve, he had me train somebody like a man. And he's like, oh, I need you to train this guy. He's gonna work the shifts that you don't pick up. I'm like, okay. Mind you, this guy, he's tweaking. Like the minute I meet him, he's he's like, you know what I'm saying?

• 28:52Speaker 00

  Josh Peck from that one episode of Digger Josh.

• 28:54Drew Afualo?

  Yeah, he's literally like twitching and grinding his teeth a lot. And I was like, okay. And he kept, he left, I'm not kidding, at least twenty times during the shift to go do meth in the bathroom. Like, literally, I can hear him. I I followed him over there once to like, listen, and I heard it like.

• 29:09Speaker 00

  Please.

• 29:12Speaker 00

  Period. Period. Stop.

• 29:16Drew Afualo?

  No, for real, it was like, like that. It's like the start of a Lil Wayne song.

• 29:21Speaker 00

  No, that is crazy, but also.

• 29:22Speaker 02

  Blowing.

• 29:25Drew Afualo?

  Literally.

• 29:27Speaker 00

  You should be allowed to do meth at work.

• 29:29Speaker 02

  That's real.

• 29:30Drew Afualo?

  Legalize it. After the shift, my manager's like, oh, can I talk to you outside? I'm like, yeah, sure. And I figure it's about the guy. And I'm like, hey, he's doing meth. I don't think he's the guy. My gut tells me meth is a big no.

• 29:40Speaker 02

  He's not our guy.

• 29:41Drew Afualo?

  Yeah, I go out there. I'm like, okay, I do have a lot of notes. And he goes, yeah, um, I'm moving you off your shifts and I'm putting you on call exclusively and you no longer work here. That's like literally what he told me. And I was like.

• 29:52Speaker 02

  Type shit.

• 29:53Drew Afualo?

  I was like, oh, oh, okay. Well, did you want to hear about the meth guy?

• 29:59Drew Afualo?

  Okay.

• 30:00Speaker 00

  He said, if I'm going down, everyone's going down with me.

• 30:01Drew Afualo?

  Yeah, and I was like, oh, okay. Well, all right. And I just like went, got my shit and left. And then I called Jason and I was like, call her at the bus. I'm sitting at the bus stop across the street, by the way. So they're all watching me as I'm sitting there and tears in my eyes. And I'm calling my sister and she's fucked up going home from a Demi Lovato concert.

• 30:21Drew Afualo?

  What's going on? And then I was like, dude, I think I just got fucking fired. Like, I'm literally like.

• 30:27Speaker 00

  In the background, it's like, give you a heart and brain.

• 30:33Drew Afualo?

  She's in the bathroom with the stadium. Remember when she sang heart attack at that cardiovascular event?

• 30:37Speaker 00

  What?

• 30:38Drew Afualo?

  Do you guys remember that?

• 30:42Drew Afualo?

  She did that.

• 30:43Speaker 00

  No.

• 30:44Drew Afualo?

  She went to like some sort of cardiovascular whatever event. She sang Heart Attack and then she couldn't believe people were mad.

• 30:51Speaker 02

  Mother bullet.

• 30:51Speaker 00

  Mother bullet.

• 30:53Speaker 02

  Mother attack.

• 30:55Drew Afualo?

  I'm like, what the fuck are we even talking about?

• 30:59Drew Afualo?

  I was like, I remember when she sang that song. Cardiovascular event.

• 31:02Speaker 00

  Oh shit.

• 31:04Drew Afualo?

  Anyways, that's the story of how I got fired from my restaurant job.

• 31:06Speaker 00

  One time when I worked at Golden Corral, you could put in like time off requests in this little system.

• 31:10Drew Afualo?

  Yeah.

• 31:10Speaker 00

  And this mean old guy ran the restaurant named Kevin. Kevin, fuck you bitch. I know you're watching bitch.

• 31:16Drew Afualo?

  Kevin, I know you're a big fan of the pod.

• 31:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, and I'm glad your wife got everything in the divorce.

• 31:23Speaker 00

  He was a huge Comment Sexy fan. He's watching, he's like, god damn it.

• 31:26Speaker 02

  He's at home with his mug like.

• 31:29Drew Afualo?

  I was like, fuck!

• 31:30Speaker 02

  Catching strays.

• 31:32Speaker 00

  Kevin, eat a million dicks, you weird bitch.

• 31:34Speaker 02

  You know what you did bitch.

• 31:35Speaker 00

  But I put in a request saying I couldn't work. There was one Friday night I couldn't work. Mind you, I'm 15. I'm working, I'm working 5 a.m. breakfast shifts on Saturdays.

• 31:43Drew Afualo?

  Who's it, the GC at 5 a.m.?

• 31:45Speaker 00

  Well, they have an omelet bar that I had to set up.

• 31:48Drew Afualo?

  See, I always have to set shit up!

• 31:50Speaker 00

  Prep for the omelet bar.

• 31:52Speaker 02

  I was fist deep in the basket robin's toilet cleaning that shit, cleaning all the vomit out of it.

• 31:57Speaker 00

  I put in a request that was like, hey, there's one Friday night I can't work. It's, it's literally like fucking Hillary Duff and Cinderella vibes. I'm like.

• 32:04Drew Afualo?

  Diner girl.

• 32:04Speaker 00

  I'm like, it's homecoming.

• 32:07Drew Afualo?

  Fucking diner girl.

• 32:08Speaker 02

  Do you have a Chad Michael Murray that popped into the story?

• 32:10Speaker 00

  Oh god, no.

• 32:12Speaker 02

  Don't care.

• 32:13Speaker 00

  We'll talk about it off camera, but I, I, I was just like, there's one Friday night I can't work, it's homecoming.

• 32:18Drew Afualo?

  Yeah.

• 32:18Speaker 00

  And I was like, so I can't work that night. I put in the request, immediately get a phone call from Kevin and he goes, hi, um, I don't know if you have ever had a job before. Now, mind you, I am 15, so no sir, I have not at your big ass age.

• 32:31Drew Afualo?

  Actually, I haven't.

• 32:32Speaker 00

  Oh no, this is my first one, I'm shocked you couldn't tell.

• 32:36Speaker 00

  And he goes, you don't tell your boss when you can and can't work. And I started crying and I was like, I'm up for a homecoming gig!

• 32:43Drew Afualo?

  And did you win?

• 32:47Drew Afualo?

  No.

• 32:49Speaker 00

  No, but.

• 32:53Speaker 00

  I um, yeah, it was a tough time in my life.

• 32:56Drew Afualo?

  That's fucking crazy.

• 32:57Speaker 02

  Adults bitch, it's y'all, you're forty.

• 33:02Speaker 02

  Y'all are the supervisor.

• 33:03Drew Afualo?

  Like, you guys are the married couple, not me.

• 33:06Speaker 00

  Where are my agents?

• 33:12Drew Afualo?

  Oh my god, have you ever won homecoming king, queen, prom queen?

• 33:15Speaker 00

  I've won it all, honey. I've won it all.

• 33:18Speaker 02

  That's gonna be a note from me.

• 33:22Speaker 00

  I would vote for both of y'all for royalty. Y'all are the homecoming queens of my life.

• 33:27Drew Afualo?

  You wanna hear something funny? When I was in high school, they had this rule that like, cause social media was like, I guess like, it was new-ish, right? It was emerging, cause I'm from colonial times. So like, you know, I was on the covered wagon and Instagram wasn't.

• 33:40Speaker 02

  Bitch, you were in Edwardian times.

• 33:42Speaker 00

  When I was in high school, you had the printing press that just come out. Gutenberg was doing numbers.

• 33:48Speaker 02

  Gutenberg the motherfucker.

• 33:50Drew Afualo?

  I literally remember um, the ASB, like the head of ASB, like the teacher or whatever, she was a bitch. But she literally would not let you campaign on social media. Like you could not tweet about it, you couldn't post on Instagram. Like you literally couldn't do that, cause she said it was unfair to kids who didn't have social media. Which I found to be bullshit personally, but I remember when I was, I think I was a junior, gonna be a senior. So like, Jason and Billy were both seniors at my high school at the time. I was like, running for senior student council, cause I was trying to put it on my resume. And I was like, ah.

• 34:22Speaker 02

  So like.

• 34:22Drew Afualo?

  Yeah, but I was kinda like, ah, what's the least amount of responsibility? Okay, I'll run for treasurer. Like, that's how I decided. So I was like.

• 34:30Speaker 02

  Charge of the money?

• 34:33Drew Afualo?

  What's the least amount of responsibility? I was like, what's something I could get someone else to do for me, but still have the title? And so I literally was like, ah, I'll do treasurer. And so they had like, different stages of running for it. So like, the first one was like, you just had to get on the ballot. And then the second, like them having fucking primaries. And then the second was like, the actual one.

• 34:50Speaker 00

  You had to go to Iowa and caucus.

• 34:52Drew Afualo?

  Exactly.

• 34:53Speaker 00

  I went to the gymnasium, went to a corner, yeah.

• 34:55Speaker 02

  She's running red, of course.

• 34:56Drew Afualo?

  I'm like, I did go to the NRA, but that was unrelated. The convention, but that was unrelated to my. Campaign, but anyways, it is relative to my politics, though. And so then when I was

• 35:06Speaker 02

  Three of us.

• 35:07Drew Afualo?

  I've completely fucking forgot, like, I completely forgot that we were having the primary vote or whatever. So I just started telling people, I was like, hey, hey, make sure you vote for me today. And I was like up against, I think, a cheerleader and one other kid that was like, is big ASB kid. And I was, only two of us could make it. And so I think that cheerleader was pretty confident she was gonna beat me, cuz she had all these fancy ass posters and everything everywhere. And I was like, I was just like word of mouth, be like, hey, if you're voting, make sure you vote for me. And so I, I just started doing that, but I didn't realize at the time that Jason and Billy were both telling people to go vote for me too. And like, obviously, you've seen Billy. He looked like that in high school, so yeah, a lot of people are gonna listen to him.

• 35:44Speaker 02

  It's actually not true. He looked like a Mexican Jonas Brothers.

• 35:48Speaker 02

  I've seen the photos.

• 35:49Speaker 00

  I don't care what he looked like, I've seen him now. And if he came up to me in high school and said, vote for, vote for this girl for a president, I'd be like,

• 35:54Drew Afualo?

  No worries.

• 35:56Drew Afualo?

  Actually, it's no worries. Yeah, six two in high school, what the fuck is that?

• 36:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:01Drew Afualo?

  No, I'm good. Anyways.

• 36:02Speaker 00

  See you, bitch.

• 36:02Drew Afualo?

  And I remember, he, he was helping campaign for me and I made it onto the ballot and then the for real one started. And I remember he tweeted about me at the, like, final thing and he was like, hey, everyone, make sure you go vote for Drew. And then I literally called him and I was like, delete that fucking tweet, you're gonna get me fucking disqualified. Like, I literally was so mad at him because he tweeted that shit.

• 36:22Speaker 02

  He was trying to ride for his woman.

• 36:23Drew Afualo?

  Oh, yeah. Before I was his woman, that was when I was like, you know what I mean? I was in a real one of those phases with him.

• 36:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:29Drew Afualo?

  I was really annoyed with him all the time.

• 36:30Speaker 02

  We've been through that many times.

• 36:31Drew Afualo?

  Yeah. You with Caleb?

• 36:32Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 36:33Speaker 00

  No, God, have we ever.

• 36:35Drew Afualo?

  That's pretty, pretty privilege.

• 36:36Speaker 00

  Well, this one, this one.

• 36:39Drew Afualo?

  My goofy all.

• 36:40Speaker 00

  This.

• 36:41Drew Afualo?

  My crazy all.

• 36:42Speaker 00

  This silly, silly one right here. The way she finally bagged me was, um, I had told her no for two years straight. I said, no, no, no, I said, get away, I'm not interested, I'm not interested. And she, she came up behind, I'm gonna cry cuz this is so.

• 36:57Speaker 00

  She came up, I was getting in my car, I was in a parking garage, I was getting in my car. She came up behind me and put chloroform over my face.

• 37:02Speaker 02

  It works, it works.

• 37:03Speaker 00

  And it works, and I passed out, and I came to in her house.

• 37:08Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 37:08Speaker 00

  And she said, "You're gonna be my man or else." And, uh, we have been together ever since.

• 37:13Speaker 02

  Thirteen years.

• 37:14Speaker 00

  Thirteen years, and, and two beautiful children.

• 37:17Speaker 02

  That I do not care for, that is all.

• 37:19Speaker 00

  She doesn't, she really doesn't, she really doesn't. And I am just picking up the slack, and I'm happy to do it. And we share a beautiful Toyota Camry, and...

• 37:29Drew Afualo?

  Serious question for both of you. What's the most embarrassing thing that's happened to you when you were like in high school?

• 37:35Speaker 00

  Oh, God.

• 37:35Drew Afualo?

  Something that like altered the trajectory of your path.

• 37:38Speaker 02

  Oh, I asked a young gentleman to prom and he said, "No."

• 37:41Speaker 00

  What?

• 37:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 37:43Drew Afualo?

  In what way? Like, he just went, "No"?

• 37:45Speaker 02

  In a way that was very visceral and impassioned, you know? I was like, and I texted him, I got his... That shouldn't have been my number one sign. This was not a young gentleman that I had his phone number previously.

• 37:56Drew Afualo?

  Okay.

• 37:56Speaker 02

  I got it from someone, and I texted him, and I was like... His name was Ajay, okay, he was a young Indian man, loved him. And I text him and I said, "Ajay, you know, you and me have something special. Uh, do you wanna go to prom together?" And he hit me back with a, "You know I don't look at you like that."

• 38:12Speaker 00

  No, no, no!

• 38:14Drew Afualo?

  A no would have been good.

• 38:15Speaker 02

  You could have, I mean, just, uh, uh, uh!

• 38:17Drew Afualo?

  A no would have been okay.

• 38:18Speaker 02

  Spit on me!

• 38:19Speaker 00

  He said, "Ajay, I felt some between us," he said, "Time out, Shrek."

• 38:23Drew Afualo?

  Pause.

• 38:24Speaker 00

  Back to the swamp!

• 38:25Speaker 02

  No, he said, "That's about to hurt my feelings."

• 38:28Speaker 00

  He said, "Mean!"

• 38:29Drew Afualo?

  He said, "That's really mean." That's really fucked up.

• 38:31Speaker 02

  "Ajay, we had something," that's mean!

• 38:33Speaker 00

  That's mean!

• 38:33Drew Afualo?

  That's really fucked up that you would say that to me.

• 38:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, that was like truly like I cried that night, and I was like, I could, then I had to laugh, 'cause I was like, "That's actually so mean, it's hilarious." Him being like, "You know I don't see you like that." I did not! I did not.

• 38:47Drew Afualo?

  Well, I'm finding out right now, so no.

• 38:48Speaker 02

  This is news to me! That's probably gonna be number one.

• 38:52Speaker 00

  That's gonna be high up there. I, um, high school boy was really good for me.

• 38:58Drew Afualo?

  Nothing comes to mind.

• 38:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, I mean, I'm really like, sorry, I wanna have a sad story like yours, but um, it was a pretty charmed life for me, uh.

• 39:07Drew Afualo?

  Bewitched.

• 39:07Speaker 00

  I have, yeah, I have one from, from middle school, though, that comes to my mind constantly. Like, sometimes when I'm just walking down the street in the middle of a busy day, I'll go, oh, that happened.

• 39:15Drew Afualo?

  Brings you to your knees.

• 39:16Speaker 02

  I have, I have one like that, too, from middle school.

• 39:19Speaker 00

  I wanted to be more, um, outgoing at school. That was something I was working on. Cause at the time, I was really, I wasn't ever shy, but I was like, I just wasn't, I hadn't figured myself out yet, you know? And it was like probably eighth grade, and there were these, there was this, uh, student council meeting that was going on, and all the cool kids were gonna be in there, and it was in Miss Munsterman's class. Shout out Joy Munsterman. I hope you're happy, girl. I'm so sorry I'm not Christian anymore, but my love to you, and.

• 39:42Drew Afualo?

  And I am gay.

• 39:44Speaker 00

  And I am gay, and I don't think she would care about that. She's pretty cool. She, well, I don't wanna get into it, but she, um, it was a pajama day.

• 39:50Drew Afualo?

  Okay.

• 39:51Speaker 00

  And so I was wearing sleep pants like everyone was, and I, um, I pulled, I was like, oh, you know, it'd be funny if I pulled my sleep pants up real high.

• 39:59Speaker 00

  And I was like, weird, and so I was like, so I was like, I was like, everyone will laugh at this. And so I walked into the room, my sleep pants pulled up high, and I was like, you know, doing that, and everyone did laugh, but everyone, and I, I, so, since everyone laughed, I kept doing it the rest of the day. And finally, one of the cool kids, like, two hours later, came over to me, and he was like, he was like, hey, uh, the bit you're doing with your pants, like, I know people are laughing, but it's actually mean, because we're getting like a really visible outline of your ball sack, and also your asshole, and like, your pants are so high up, that like, your balls are on like crazy display. And also, your dick print is like, really pronounced, and no one wants to tell you.

• 40:36Drew Afualo?

  It's actually really fucking gross, so go ahead and put that away for me.

• 40:39Speaker 00

  And I, and I literally, he's telling me.

• 40:41Drew Afualo?

  Back in the holster.

• 40:42Speaker 00

  He's telling me this way in the hallway while the pants are up. And I'm just standing there receiving it, and he tells me all of it, he goes, he goes, I want to tell you, and I go, thank you, Cooper. I kind of, during the conversation, I just kinda scooted the pants down, and then I thought I could trust Cooper.

• 40:57Drew Afualo?

  And then?

• 40:58Speaker 00

  So then.

• 40:58Drew Afualo?

  There's more?

• 40:59Speaker 00

  So then, two months later, well, Cooper always got compliments on smelling really good, and so I thought I could trust him. And so, two months later, at an assembly, I was sitting by him, I was like, okay, I know how I can be really popular, is if I just figure out what cologne Cooper wears, and he'll probably tell me, because he was so cool to me about the pants.

• 41:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's your girl, that's your.

• 41:16Speaker 00

  That's my boy, like.

• 41:17Speaker 02

  He was cool about the nutsack thing.

• 41:19Drew Afualo?

  He was so chill about my moose snuggle. He was so chill about it.

• 41:22Speaker 00

  That's fucking Ohana.

• 41:26Speaker 00

  That's fucking familia right there.

• 41:28Drew Afualo?

  That's gang, that's fam.

• 41:29Speaker 00

  That's gang, that's fam. And so I said, Cooper, I said, Cooper, I said, Cooper, what cologne do you wear? And he said, oh, I don't, it's just like, I don't know, my mom gets it for me. And I, and I go, I go, oh, yeah, but like, what is? And he goes, he goes, I really don't know. My mom gets it for me. And during this whole assembly, I just keep, every time I get a chance, being like, Cooper, do you even know like what the bottle looks like?

• 41:52Speaker 00

  But I'm trying to play it cool. So I'm like, yeah, I almost wonder what the shape the bottle is.

• 41:58Speaker 00

  And he's, he's like, oh, yeah, I don't remember, man. And like literally, I'm being so persistent because I don't know. I think I'm being coy, you know? And then finally I go, I need to know what cologne you wear.

• 42:09Drew Afualo?

  And you're gonna fuck, tell me now.

• 42:11Speaker 00

  And he goes, he goes, if I tell you, will you just stop talking to me? And I, and I go, and I go, and I go, yeah.

• 42:19Speaker 00

  And he did, and it was Lucky You. It was Lucky You Cologne for Men. And I, that night when I got home, I was like, Mom, you have to get me Lucky You Cologne.

• 42:30Drew Afualo?

  That's like you're fucking interrogating him.

• 42:34Speaker 00

  No, it really was like, it was like scenic, the way it played out. Like, he would be talking to other people, he'd be like talking to the boys and like cutting up. And then there was a moment of silence, I'd be like, anyway, Coop.

• 42:44Speaker 02

  I'm imagining you having to repeat because he can't, like, it gets a little loud. Cooper.

• 42:49Speaker 00

  Coop.

• 42:50Speaker 02

  Cooper.

• 42:50Speaker 00

  Cooper.

• 42:51Speaker 02

  No, like I was saying.

• 42:53Drew Afualo?

  Speaking of smells.

• 42:54Speaker 00

  You guys are, you guys are fucking, no, you guys are so funny. Cooper, what color is the box it comes in?

• 43:01Speaker 00

  What places does your mom shop regularly?

• 43:03Drew Afualo?

  Which like department store would you say, like, if I'm getting, if I listed some, would you say hot or cold? Or like?

• 43:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, text your mom.

• 43:11Speaker 02

  Cooper, what are the top notes?

• 43:14Speaker 02

  Is it like a musk amber?

• 43:16Speaker 00

  I'm gonna come over. What if I come over after school, dude? You can show me what the bottle is.

• 43:21Drew Afualo?

  Wait, that you were like, interpreting all of that as friendship?

• 43:25Speaker 00

  By the way, what I know now, is he didn't want to tell me the cologne because he didn't want to be clone brothers with me.

• 43:31Speaker 00

  He didn't want me running around smelling like him because that lowers his stock value.

• 43:34Speaker 02

  That is real, that is real.

• 43:36Speaker 00

  He didn't want me on the rise. He was gay, he was the original gatekeeper. He said, you're fat, gay ass. It's not gonna bring down my stock value.

• 43:44Speaker 02

  You smell like that fat gay ass.

• 43:54Speaker 00

  Cooper, Cooper, why do you smell?

• 44:00Speaker 00

  Cooper, why, why do you smell like sleep pants? That's my nickname. Why do you smell like ball sack sleep pants kid?

• 44:07Drew Afualo?

  You smell like that kid that was hanging brain in homeroom.

• 44:15Speaker 00

  Cooper.

• 44:18Speaker 00

  You smell like that fat faggot.

• 44:22Drew Afualo?

  That's so fucking ridiculous.

• 44:26Speaker 00

  And he knew, and he knew, he knew the cookie. Cause the first thing I did when I found out was go get a bottle, honey.

• 44:34Drew Afualo?

  He just didn't stop. You're like, no, but for real, like for real, for real though, like let's get real.

• 44:40Speaker 00

  You can't give a mouse a cookie. He gave me one kindness. He gave me one kindness.

• 44:44Speaker 02

  No, cause you give a mouse a cookie and he's going to Macy's after school.

• 44:50Speaker 00

  He said, hey man, everyone's tired of seeing your ball sack. And I say, you're family.

• 44:55Speaker 00

  You're blood to me pimp.

• 44:56Drew Afualo?

  He was always talking shit.

• 44:57Speaker 00

  I have, I have no way of knowing, cause I never checked back in, but I could, I could almost guarantee you he switched colognes.

• 45:03Speaker 02

  Call Cooper the way you just called your mom, Cooper. Get Coop on Skype.

• 45:08Speaker 00

  Fans listening at home, do the over under on whether or not me and Cooper are still in touch.

• 45:14Speaker 00

  Everyone, everyone run some bets. I'll let you know.

• 45:16Drew Afualo?

  You pulling up your pants for a bit?

• 45:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:19Drew Afualo?

  Just dancing around?

• 45:20Speaker 02

  I will say, as a fellow fatty, um, previously, there was, um, there is something very, I call it the Chris Farley bit.

• 45:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:28Speaker 02

  It's, it's the funny of like, you know, you pull up your, tuck it under your boobs.

• 45:32Drew Afualo?

  Real truffle shuffle vibe.

• 45:33Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 45:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:34Speaker 02

  I mean, it's the classic like Chippendales, Chris Farley skit of like, they just love to see that sort of, it, it'll kill every time until it doesn't.

• 45:41Speaker 00

  Oh yeah.

• 45:41Drew Afualo?

  Until Coop has to get real with you in the hallway. Then it's not that great.

• 45:45Speaker 02

  Until he does a one on one in the hallway.

• 45:47Drew Afualo?

  He's like, hey, can I talk to you outside for a second?

• 45:48Speaker 02

  Performance review.

• 45:49Speaker 00

  Yeah. Until, until I've got Coop up against a wall with a knife to his neck, asking him what the fucking cologne is. What's the cologne, brother?

• 45:58Drew Afualo?

  No, seriously.

• 45:59Speaker 00

  Hey, you're fooled, but I fucking had it with the game.

• 46:04Drew Afualo?

  He said, will you leave me alone? And you said, yeah.

• 46:08Speaker 00

  Because I had, I said, I know how I'm getting ahead. Give me the formioli.

• 46:14Speaker 02

  In high school, what were you in? Student council and what else?

• 46:23Speaker 00

  Well, by high school, yeah, I had pretty much figured out how to be what people wanted me to be. So, things were going better. I wasn't having any Cooper interactions anymore.

• 46:30Speaker 02

  Oh, this was middle school?

• 46:31Speaker 00

  This is middle school. So, I leveled it out by high school. High school was pretty fine. I was in everything. I was in like FCCLA, FBLA, FFA, student council.

• 46:39Speaker 02

  You were not in FFA?

• 46:40Speaker 00

  Maybe. I was creed speaking, soils team and cattle team. I judged cattle in high school.

• 46:44Speaker 02

  We've talked about this actually. I didn't know this about you.

• 46:46Speaker 00

  I judged cattle in high school. Yes, I did.

• 46:48Speaker 02

  He's a real agrarian. It sounds like it.

• 46:50Speaker 00

  Yeah. Well, I joined because they had a public speaking, they had creed speaking. And I wanted to do, I was like, I was like, watch me body the fuck out of that.

• 46:57Speaker 02

  Creed, you're just singing Creed.

• 46:58Speaker 00

  Can you take me higher?

• 46:59Drew Afualo?

  Creed, the smell.

• 47:02Speaker 00

  No, but I, um, I wanted to do the creed speaking, but you had to be on three teams. That was the rule. And so, they put me on soils team, which I was pretty promptly kicked off of. I didn't like, you had to touch the dirt. And every time I was like, ugh.

• 47:13Speaker 02

  Well, but you were so familiar with it as a child, apparently.

• 47:15Speaker 00

  Things have changed by now.

• 47:17Drew Afualo?

  I was going to use blue collar, though.

• 47:19Speaker 00

  You guys aren't keeping up with my lore.

• 47:20Drew Afualo?

  You might as well be speaking Mandarin to me because this shit is too white for me. I don't know what any of that means.

• 47:23Speaker 02

  That's like redneck shit.

• 47:25Drew Afualo?

  It's real like southern shit.

• 47:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 47:27Drew Afualo?

  And it's like, at your high school?

• 47:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, not too much now, yeah. Y'all tread lightly, but yes.

• 47:33Speaker 02

  We had FFA and it was, uh, uh, I mean, we never saw them. It was like they went to a different school.

• 47:39Speaker 00

  They're in the ag building, yes.

• 47:40Speaker 02

  They're in the ag building and the portables. Do you have portables?

• 47:42Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 47:43Speaker 02

  Yeah. They said, get the fuck out of here. They smell like swine.

• 47:46Speaker 00

  Yeah. We had our prom in a hog sale building. We had our prom in a hog, uh, hog barn. And they were like, they're like, don't worry, they're gonna sweep it out. And I was like, they're gonna sweep it out.

• 47:57Drew Afualo?

  Well, thank God. I was worried about them not sweeping it out.

• 48:00Speaker 00

  I was like, there's hog shit in the construction of the place.

• 48:03Drew Afualo?

  It's in the essence of the building.

• 48:05Speaker 00

  And you know what?

• 48:06Speaker 02

  Asbestos and hog shit.

• 48:07Speaker 00

  Egg on my face. It was a beautiful dance.

• 48:09Drew Afualo?

  My junior year of prom, I, that's when I said no to Billy, but I went with a Mormon dude and it was the worst time I've ever had in my entire life.

• 48:17Speaker 02

  Could you describe the ambience? What music was playing? Are you wearing a sleeveless cocktail gown?

• 48:23Drew Afualo?

  Oh, yeah. No, I had a full-length, like, sleeveless, lots of tulle on the bottom. It was like an aqua turquoisey blue.

• 48:31Speaker 00

  Curved Billy for a Mormon.

• 48:33Drew Afualo?

  Yeah, fuck me, honestly.

• 48:34Speaker 00

  Billy, call me, brother.

• 48:37Speaker 00

  You've been put through too much by this woman.

• 48:39Drew Afualo?

  It's funny too, cause he actually texted Jason and was like, hey, do you think Drew would go to prom with me? And he's like, and he said, please don't tell her. And then she goes, oh my God, dude, guess who just texted me? Tells me, tells me immediately, like minutes after.

• 48:52Speaker 00

  Queen.

• 48:53Drew Afualo?

  And then I, and I was like, I can't, cause like at the time, there was drama at the time, but he had broken up with a girl who was friends with me. And I was like, I just didn't want the dramas.

• 49:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:01Drew Afualo?

  And so I was trying to be a good friend.

• 49:02Speaker 00

  Girls, girl.

• 49:03Drew Afualo?

  Yeah. From the beginning.

• 49:05Speaker 00

  Girls, girl from the jump.

• 49:06Drew Afualo?

  Yeah. And then I was like, I can't do that. Even though they'd been broken up for like two years, I was just like, she's my friend and I think, you know, whatever. And so that was a big L on my part, to be honest, cause she, she literally said, she said no. That's what she texted him.

• 49:20Drew Afualo?

  She said no. He said, he said, it's actually no worries. And then he ended up going with somebody else. And then I went with the Mormon and I had the worst night of my life. So the egg's on my face, honestly.

• 49:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, you can't have caffeine or anything.

• 49:30Drew Afualo?

  Can't win them all. The Mormon part of him was honestly the least of his worries. Like he was just the most off putting person I've ever met in my entire fucking life. And I say this to this day, if I ever meet him, I'm putting it on his back bitch and not in a good way.

• 49:43Speaker 00

  Not in the way he wants.

• 49:44Drew Afualo?

  No, I'm beating the shit out of him is what I'm saying.

• 49:46Speaker 00

  TKO.

• 49:47Drew Afualo?

  Yeah, he's the fucking worst. Like he, it's funny too, cause when we first met each other, like, cause we barely knew each other too, on top of that. So when we met and we were talking, he's like, what's your type? And I'm like, oh, like someone nice and funny. Like say something real general. I'm like, what about you? He goes, I like short white girls with glasses. Now I don't know if you know anything about what I look like.

• 50:06Speaker 00

  Caleb.

• 50:08Drew Afualo?

  Cooper, probably. And I was like.

• 50:11Speaker 00

  I like short white girls with glasses. No game at all. No game at all.

• 50:14Drew Afualo?

  Oh, I like short white girls with glasses. And that was the girlfriend he had, right? And he broke up with her to go to prom with me. And then after he went to prom with me, he went and got back with her.

• 50:23Speaker 00

  Why say it to you? You don't even have glasses.

• 50:26Drew Afualo?

  Yeah, no shit, girl. I actually do wear glasses too. And I, cause I'm blind as fuck, but like I purposely didn't wear them. Cause I didn't want him to think that I was wearing them for him. So I was just blind all weekend. I was like. Like we just fucking Daphne's head ass like walking around.

• 50:40Speaker 00

  His version of this story is, yeah, I tried to take this girl on a date and she fucking couldn't see. It was so weird. She was like, I was helping her, helping her across the street.

• 50:47Speaker 02

  She asked for the menu in Braille.

• 50:49Drew Afualo?

  And then she kept pulling up her pajama pants and dancing around like it was a bit.

• 50:54Speaker 02

  She had balls? I don't know.

• 50:56Drew Afualo?

  All of a sudden I saw an imprint. I don't know. It was a whole thing.

• 50:59Speaker 00

  I don't know. It was weird. It was prom.

• 51:01Drew Afualo?

  And it was funny because he brought a friend from my sister. And he was like, oh, I'm gonna bring one of the two guys that I had already met.

• 51:08Speaker 02

  Senior, are you talking about senior year?

• 51:09Drew Afualo?

  This was my junior year, her senior year.

• 51:11Speaker 02

  And you took him?

• 51:13Drew Afualo?

  Yeah, I took him.

• 51:14Speaker 02

  Oh, okay, okay, got it.

• 51:15Drew Afualo?

  But he was like, I'll bring a friend and then we can go like with your sister. I'm like, okay, cool. And the two guys that he had with him that I had already met were like, this guy was like half some, he was someone too, the guy that I went with. The other two guys, one of them was like Hawaiian, one was like Tongan. They were both good looking dudes. All three of them were really good looking. And so I was like, okay, yeah, either one, sure, whichever one's available. And he's like, okay, he picks one. He's like, I'm gonna bring him. Can't come. Then the other guy, he's like, I'm gonna bring him. He can't come. He's like, don't worry, I have another friend, but won't send me a picture. I'm like, oh, I'm like, I need to, well, can you send me a picture? He goes, well, I'll look for one. And then when they're on the way to like our house.

• 51:52Speaker 00

  It's hard to get a picture of him because he maintains a bell tower in Notre Dame.

• 51:57Drew Afualo?

  He's really booked, honestly.

• 51:58Speaker 00

  He's busy as hell. He's busy as hell. He's up there.

• 52:02Drew Afualo?

  He's actually guarding the, the gates of Tartarus, so he's a little, he's a little busy. He's a little busy. Girl, he shows up. I'm not kidding. He looked forty, like, he was bald.

• 52:15Speaker 02

  Well.

• 52:15Drew Afualo?

  White guy, but he looked.

• 52:16Speaker 02

  He was in high school?

• 52:17Drew Afualo?

  Yeah, girl.

• 52:18Speaker 02

  Bless him.

• 52:20Speaker 00

  Bless his heart.

• 52:21Drew Afualo?

  And then literally Jason goes.

• 52:26Drew Afualo?

  First of all, ditches him the whole night. But then she goes like, yeah, he fucking brought a substitute teacher for me. And like, he goes with true.

• 52:36Speaker 02

  That shit is so real dude.

• 52:37Drew Afualo?

  She's like, oh yeah, I'm a lesbian. Like, it's just the way that she was like, oh yeah, I'm gay.

• 52:42Speaker 02

  Wait, that is disrespectful.

• 52:44Speaker 00

  This will never happen to me again.

• 52:46Drew Afualo?

  You guys are never doing this shit to me again. But I'll say the worst night, worst part of the whole night. Well, my dance was like, I don't know, like, Southern California dance, maybe it's just exclusive to my high school, but like, the way that they dance is crazy. Like, this is the year where like, don't drop that, da da da, came out, A-Ladies, right?

• 53:03Speaker 02

  Hey, TBT.

• 53:04Drew Afualo?

  All of that. And so, you know, people are freaking and they're grinding and they're being weird. I knew he was Mormon, he had told me every dance he'd been to, they had a live band, so I'm assuming they didn't play that shit over in St. George, Utah. So I literally told him, I'm like-

• 53:16Speaker 02

  Play a Sweet Caroline acoustic version.

• 53:18Speaker 00

  Enough. Sweet Caroline.

• 53:21Drew Afualo?

  Real. It's like that Proud to Be an American song.

• 53:24Speaker 00

  That fuck, that's my song. Light on that, light on that.

• 53:28Speaker 02

  I didn't know we were talking politics.

• 53:30Speaker 00

  And I'm proud to be an American, where at least I'm proudly standing. That song fucks, dude. Lee Greenwood, you will always be famous, bitch.

• 53:42Drew Afualo?

  And like, I told, I warned him. I said, hey, my school doesn't get down like that, so like, just be prepared. What you see when you go in there, I don't want you to freak out. When he sees people grinding, he's literally like, huh huh huh, like we're in a haunted house. But then he kinda, he kinda like calms down a little bit, so I'm like, hey, do you wanna dance? And he's like, we are dancing, but we're like, standing next to each other. I'm like, no, like, do you wanna dance together? Like, it doesn't have to be crazy or whatever. And he was like, no. Like, just instantly disgusted with me. And then he goes, that goes against God. That's what he said to me. And I was like, mind you, it's a Saturday. So then I go, well, I mean, you could ask for forgiveness tomorrow, I'm thinking it's funny.

• 54:21Speaker 02

  Right.

• 54:21Drew Afualo?

  And then he goes, that's not funny. And then he walks away from me.

• 54:26Speaker 00

  Oh, now in the sense that-

• 54:28Speaker 02

  No, no, that's not.

• 54:30Drew Afualo?

  Well, I was like, well, that's what I was saying. I just immediately go, Dace, why would you say that? That's fucked up.

• 54:34Speaker 02

  He says, really wrecking me. Seriously, you know, he's a Mormon.

• 54:38Drew Afualo?

  So then that made it awkward for a little. And then once he kinda comes back around again, he stops being weird and then ish. And then we're outside and we're kinda, he's kinda vibing a little bit. He's like being a little nicer, like a little more touchy, whatever the fuck to me. I'm like, okay, maybe he's calming the fuck down. And then, uh, his buddy, you know, the substitute teacher, he was like, hey, you should show them your, your favorite dance move. Right? And he goes, oh yeah, I have the best dance move ever. Stands up, I'm not kidding. He's like, well, it's two parts, right? The first part, you're unscrewing a light bulb, right Mormon? And he's at the second, the other hand you use and you pretend that you're shoving a dildo up your ass. I'm not kidding.

• 55:20Drew Afualo?

  I'm not kidding. This is the same man who told me I was a fucking whore for wanting to dance with him.

• 55:26Speaker 02

  What?

• 55:27Drew Afualo?

  And then he starts pretending, I'm not kidding. He's literally doing this and he's like shoving the dildo up his butt metaphorically, of course.

• 55:35Speaker 02

  Freak out ever.

• 55:39Drew Afualo?

  DirecTV remote up the ass, girl. And he's literally going like this and he's like shoving and he's like laughing and Guttural shock and horror. The way me and Dason are like, ah, like we're watching and we're like, and then I, I'm not kidding. I, Dason was like,

• 55:57Drew Afualo?

  And then I go, I have to go to the bathroom and I went to the bathroom, Dason followed me and I was crying.

• 56:04Drew Afualo?

  I was like, I fucking hate him, dude. I hate him. He's the worst. When I cry, I'm like, I look so good and I shouldn't have gone. I'm fucking weirdo. I'm like screaming.

• 56:18Drew Afualo?

  He can probably hear me, by the way.

• 56:19Speaker 00

  Meanwhile, cut to in the rafters, Billy's up there just.

• 56:23Drew Afualo?

  He's like.

• 56:23Speaker 00

  Get what you pay for, bitch.

• 56:25Drew Afualo?

  He gives him a hundred dollars. He's like, did you show her the dildo part?

• 56:30Speaker 02

  You did the dildo thing.

• 56:30Drew Afualo?

  It's okay. Make sure she'll love it. You should do it.

• 56:33Speaker 00

  He's, he's thumbing off hundreds.

• 56:36Speaker 00

  He's like, you could have gone farther with the dildo thing. It was good stuff.

• 56:38Drew Afualo?

  He leaned a little too heavy into the light bulb and not enough until the dildo.

• 56:43Speaker 00

  It's such a classic Christian, like wholesome, like he, the mixture of those two, he was like, yeah, so basically you have a shopping cart with one hand and you're shopping, picking stuff out and then you're getting sloppy from a bad.

• 56:54Speaker 00

  What the fuck?

• 56:56Drew Afualo?

  The fucking hard left, like I was like.

• 57:02Drew Afualo?

  Then I become religious.

• 57:05Speaker 00

  He's doing the dodo thing, he's like, who's Mormon now, bitch?

• 57:09Drew Afualo?

  You want to ask for forgiveness for this? Yeah, that's what I thought.

• 57:15Drew Afualo?

  The way it was so like cash to them, I was like.

• 57:18Speaker 00

  Yo.

• 57:19Drew Afualo?

  Horror.

• 57:20Speaker 02

  It's crazy what a religious mind will rationalize.

• 57:23Drew Afualo?

  No, girl, the homoeroticism is just out of control.

• 57:27Speaker 02

  No one loves men more than men, seriously.

• 57:30Drew Afualo?

  Like primates, girl.

• 57:32Speaker 02

  It is.

• 57:36Drew Afualo?

  Shoving, and then they're going. It's like you're picking bugs with one hand and then you're shoving a dildo up your butt with the other. And then he literally said dildo and I'm like, you said freaking and grinding was against God, but you know what a dildo is?

• 57:48Speaker 00

  Nasty work.

• 57:49Speaker 02

  You won't hit the dougie with me on the dance floor, but we're doing light dildo combo?

• 57:54Drew Afualo?

  The cat daddy's too far, but shoving a fake penis up your butt is not?

• 57:58Speaker 00

  The cupid shuffle is of the devil. Dildo up the ass.

• 58:02Drew Afualo?

  Well, that's different because it's a joke.

• 58:03Speaker 00

  A dildo is just crushing the vinegar.

• 58:06Speaker 02

  A dildo's just hit the cockagone.

• 58:12Speaker 00

  Shit, that's funny.

• 58:13Speaker 02

  Like, I feel like the embarrassment kind of stopped in high school. Like, college, I was like, I'm actually the coolest.

• 58:19Drew Afualo?

  Yeah.

• 58:20Speaker 02

  Like, I really came into my own in college.

• 58:22Drew Afualo?

  What about you, Caleb?

• 58:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:24Drew Afualo?

  You've all kind of been that girl.

• 58:25Speaker 00

  There's the Cooper situation and then. And then, high school, I was just like a total, like, high school, I was just like uptight, I think. My, actually, you know what, I did a show in DC last, like, two weeks ago. And a very good friend of mine from high school, uh, came up to me, I do, I do a whole story about how uptight I was as a teenager.

• 58:41Drew Afualo?

  Yeah.

• 58:41Speaker 00

  And how I thought I was, I think, I look back now and I go, that kid's a loser. Like, if I had a kid and he acted the way I did in high school, I'd be like, God! Fucking shut up, you know?

• 58:50Speaker 02

  We need to get him some pussy.

• 58:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, God, get this kid laid so he'll shut the fuck up.

• 58:53Drew Afualo?

  He's sixteen.

• 58:54Speaker 00

  I was getting pussy and, um.

• 58:57Drew Afualo?

  I just didn't want it.

• 58:58Speaker 00

  It was light work, yeah. It was giving me the heebie jeebies, but I was in there.

• 59:03Speaker 00

  But I was in there and, um, my friend was like, I think you're, I don't think you're very, I don't, I liked who you were in high school, I don't think you're being very nice to that person. And I'm like, ah, I don't know, I think I was a nerd and you just were too.

• 59:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 59:15Drew Afualo?

  I think we both need to be more honest with ourselves.

• 59:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, cool, cool came like in my twenties, I got cool.

• 59:20Drew Afualo?

  I feel that.

• 59:21Speaker 00

  I think the shift though was, I don't know if either of us have, if, if any of us have talked about this. The shift for me on coolness was that I think I was always, when I was younger, I was always waiting, trying to find the thing that would bring coolness to me. Like what interest or what clothes or what group of friends would make me cool.

• 59:34Drew Afualo?

  Totally.

• 59:35Speaker 00

  And the shift in my twenties, uh, my early twenties that made me actually feel cool was going, nothing brings me coolness, I bring coolness to everything else.

• 59:42Drew Afualo?

  Period.

• 59:42Speaker 00

  What I like, people I hang out with, what I wear, what I listen to, it's cool because I'm there.

• 59:46Drew Afualo?

  Period.

• 59:47Speaker 00

  I'm not cool because it's here.

• 59:48Drew Afualo?

  Yeah, like the confidence is what speaks louder than anything. So like you could like or lo- or hate anything and you could still make friends who like or love the same things.

• 59:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 59:57Drew Afualo?

  But it's just like you being confident in who you are.

• 59:59Speaker 00

  If you don't like it, fuck you. What I like is cool. And so you're not cool if you don't like it. And that shift was like really, it was yeah, not just looking for someone to be like, I wanted people to tell me I was cool. And then when you, when you just go, oh, I don't care about that.

• 1:00:11Drew Afualo?

  As soon as you stop caring, it's like, it just flocks to you almost, like friends and community and all of that.

• 1:00:16Speaker 02

  I think it's also like, what does cool mean? Like I would much rather have a genuine time where I'm peeing my pants with people that like aren't cool. I mean, you know, by whatever measure.

• 1:00:26Speaker 00

  Cause you guys make me laugh so hard, but you guys are not, I don't think.

• 1:00:28Drew Afualo?

  It's not cool. We're fucking weirdo losers.

• 1:00:30Speaker 02

  Yeah. At least we smell good though.

• 1:00:33Drew Afualo?

  At least we smell good.

• 1:00:35Speaker 00

  You smell like that fat gay kid. Kinda.

• 1:00:41Drew Afualo?

  God, I hate it. Shit. He smells just like you now. Can't hurt anymore. When I got to college, I found like my like bestie besties, like my, like the people I'm still friends with to this day. Um, and I, I was just telling Billy this the other day. I'm like, I realized too, especially in writing my book, I realized that like when I.

• 1:01:00Speaker 02

  It's such a slay thing this.

• 1:01:01Drew Afualo?

  Period. And when I was publishing my book, I was like writing my very first book that it will be published, it is published now.

• 1:01:06Speaker 00

  You just threw that away like a Truman Capote interview. I love, that's my favorite thing about, an old Truman Capote interview, he'd be like. I was at dinner with.

• 1:01:15Speaker 02

  I think it was Marilyn Monroe.

• 1:01:18Speaker 00

  He just fucking tosses it away like it's nothing. When I was writing, yeah, when I was writing my first book. I love it. I love it.

• 1:01:26Drew Afualo?

  As I was like writing, like unpacking a lot of stuff I did in college, I was like, I realized that my best friends at the time, all women, right? I had a couple of guy friends that I was really close to too, but like I had never met a group of women before outside of my own family, like my mom and sister, that were so confident in who they were in all aspects, like being smart, being funny, being like, like, I don't know, like, confident about what they looked like and also who they were as people, but also women who were so confident in their sexual autonomy. Like I'd never had friends like that before, like women who were so like, yeah, I fucked him and it sucked. Oh, don't do that. It was so cash to them that I was like, period.

• 1:02:05Drew Afualo?

  Cause I'd never hung out with women who were so cash about stuff like, it was always so like, oh, like dating, like you know, in high school. It's like the way it's perceived is so different.

• 1:02:14Speaker 02

  And the religious lens as well, where it's just like, it's so much more serious than, you know?

• 1:02:18Drew Afualo?

  And they were so cash about everything and like, so a couple of my friends were raised religious and weren't at all. And one of my friends, like to this day, like she, the first time I met her, like we were talking about dating or whatever. She was like, oh, I was a big whore in high school. I fucked everybody. And I was like, oh, did you? She's like, yeah, men, women, everyone.

• 1:02:36Speaker 00

  Your friend Kate Petrus?

• 1:02:39Speaker 00

  Slater?

• 1:02:40Drew Afualo?

  She's my friend now. You know, and she's like, yeah, everyone, uh, but yeah, she was just so like, whatever, period, period bitch. That's my fucking girl.

• 1:02:50Speaker 00

  I love that.

• 1:02:50Drew Afualo?

  She's still my friend to this day.

• 1:02:51Speaker 00

  Oh, I love that.

• 1:02:52Drew Afualo?

  I love when they, we become like real adults and then they're like, I don't remember saying that. I was like, I do.

• 1:02:58Speaker 00

  I remember.

• 1:02:59Drew Afualo?

  I remember you saying that.

• 1:03:00Speaker 00

  Verbatim.

• 1:03:01Drew Afualo?

  Changed me as a woman.

• 1:03:02Speaker 00

  I remember, I remember. Everything, I'm here, I'm in it.

• 1:03:05Drew Afualo?

  Dating in college was a mess.

• 1:03:06Speaker 02

  You have the memory of an elephant.

• 1:03:08Drew Afualo?

  I do. I remember everything. We would go out and get fucked up. Like I was the only one that would remember every single thing. So the next morning. Yeah, the next morning, I'm downloading all the information. The next morning, they'd be like, well, everyone, like, let's get together, like everyone, someone wake you up so we can remember what happened. Cause a lot of my friends would blackout. I never blacked out. I think I blacked out once.

• 1:03:27Speaker 02

  One time, it was the very last time, like one of the last times I drank tequila. Cause I like couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. The way I used to drink in high school, can't do it now. I did not drink in high school. Or not high school, sorry, college. College. College. I couldn't do it. Every time I'm like, I'll tell Drew a story and then I'll, I'll like, cause it'll be fresh in my mind and I'll say it. And then it'll be like a month ago by and she's like, remember when you said this? And I'm like.

• 1:03:50Speaker 02

  I'm like, oh my, yeah, I do. And then I'll paraphrase it. She's like, no, you said this. And I'm like, then probably that's what happened.

• 1:03:57Drew Afualo?

  That's why I remembered everything that happened when we met Beyonce.

• 1:03:59Speaker 02

  Oh, you're, thank God for you. I blackout a lot. It sucks. It really does suck.

• 1:04:04Drew Afualo?

  Because of liquor and not liquor.

• 1:04:05Speaker 02

  And not, and just adrenaline, I guess. The testosterone pumping through my fucking body.

• 1:04:10Drew Afualo?

  You know what I mean? Did you have a fun time partying in college, Caleb?

• 1:04:14Speaker 00

  No, I D D'd.

• 1:04:16Drew Afualo?

  Did you really?

• 1:04:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, I was a D D for my fraternity.

• 1:04:19Drew Afualo?

  You were in a fraternity?

• 1:04:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, all four years.

• 1:04:21Drew Afualo?

  What? Really?

• 1:04:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, you know.

• 1:04:24Drew Afualo?

  That's shocking to me.

• 1:04:25Speaker 00

  Well, I thought I was gonna go to law school. My whole plan going to college was to go to law school.

• 1:04:28Speaker 02

  I had that sort of mental breakdown as well.

• 1:04:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, oh yeah. And it was a long one. I went, that was all of high school and first year or two of college.

• 1:04:33Speaker 02

  Did you do mock trial?

• 1:04:35Speaker 00

  We didn't have it.

• 1:04:36Drew Afualo?

  Did you do a model U N?

• 1:04:37Speaker 00

  We didn't have it. Baby, baby, I didn't go to a good school.

• 1:04:42Speaker 02

  You were working the field, bitch.

• 1:04:46Speaker 00

  They had me judging cattle, bitch.

• 1:04:49Speaker 02

  You were not arguing the defense.

• 1:04:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, honey, we didn't have speech and debate. I had to go pick up a goat and learn how to tie its feet together.

• 1:04:57Speaker 00

  Type beat.

• 1:04:57Drew Afualo?

  Type shit.

• 1:04:58Speaker 00

  Type shit, yeah, shearing animals. Literally, I was picking up dirt and going, good for corn. Crazy. I went to that for like a year and they're like, get your gay ass out of here.

• 1:05:09Speaker 02

  Harvest will be good this year. Shut the fuck up.

• 1:05:12Speaker 00

  Shut your bitch ass, yeah.

• 1:05:15Speaker 00

  No, I was not a big, a big partier in college.

• 1:05:17Drew Afualo?

  No? I was dating in college for both of you?

• 1:05:20Speaker 00

  I didn't date in college.

• 1:05:21Speaker 02

  No one wanted me.

• 1:05:23Drew Afualo?

  I fucked. I was fucking in college. No one wanted to date me. I remember texting one of my hookups who I was so in love with and I was like, "Do you want to get breakfast in the morning?" And he was like, "Busy."

• 1:05:34Speaker 00

  Needed medically.

• 1:05:36Drew Afualo?

  It always made it worse.

• 1:05:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:05:38Drew Afualo?

  I was like, "He's rejecting me. I think he's the one."

• 1:05:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:05:40Drew Afualo?

  "I just need to try a little her."

• 1:05:42Speaker 00

  Oh, I was, I was fucking a lot of guys in college who, if they were saw with me, if they were seen with me in daylight, we would both evaporate.

• 1:05:48Drew Afualo?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:48Speaker 00

  It was like, yeah, that was, I was having a lot of hookups where it was like, you know, I would see him on campus and be like, "Oh, what's up?" And he'd be like, you know?

• 1:05:54Drew Afualo?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:54Speaker 00

  It was not good.

• 1:05:55Speaker 02

  Are you lost?

• 1:05:56Drew Afualo?

  That guy's talking to you, by the way.

• 1:05:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:05:58Drew Afualo?

  I think he's trying to get a hold of you.

• 1:05:59Speaker 00

  You smell like that Pat Gag.

• 1:06:01Speaker 02

  You smell like each other.

• 1:06:03Drew Afualo?

  It's Cooper.

• 1:06:05Speaker 02

  Coop? Good to see you, brother.

• 1:06:08Speaker 00

  Hey, baby.

• 1:06:10Drew Afualo?

  One time I was, I was kind of dating this guy and I, he told me to meet him at the club, romantic. And so I go, and you know, you're doing that, that, uh, broke bitch shit where you're like, "I'm so thirsty. God, I wish I had a drink.

• 1:06:24Drew Afualo?

  God, so thirsty. It's so hot in here." And then normally it works, uh, but then when he's like, "I'm not buying drinks here. They're too fucking expensive."

• 1:06:30Speaker 02

  Right.

• 1:06:30Drew Afualo?

  And then I was like, "Okay, brokey," even though I had no money. Then I like go up and I buy myself the one drink I can afford.

• 1:06:38Speaker 02

  Ice in a cup?

• 1:06:39Drew Afualo?

  Yeah, I was like, "Could you just put maraschino cherries in a cup and pretend?"

• 1:06:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:06:42Drew Afualo?

  Soda water. Don't charge me.

• 1:06:43Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 1:06:44Drew Afualo?

  So I got one drink and then I, I turned around and I'm going back to my friends and he goes, "Hey, do you want to hook me up?" And I was like, "With what?" And he brought his own red solo cup into the club. He had it, he had it crushed in the waistband of his pants, took it out, punched it out like that and then, I'm not kidding. And men wonder why they don't deserve rights.

• 1:07:04Speaker 00

  Oh, God.

• 1:07:05Drew Afualo?

  They wonder why I fucking hate them.

• 1:07:06Speaker 02

  Going split spill on one vodka cran.

• 1:07:10Speaker 00

  I hate when you tell that story about Billy because he has turned out, he's turned out to be such a great.

• 1:07:15Drew Afualo?

  And that's what I get for saying no to him at prom.

• 1:07:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:07:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:07:18Drew Afualo?

  I have never seen broker shit in my fucking life. I was like, "Are you being dead ass?" Like you want me to, you want me to split my drink in that dirty solo cup?

• 1:07:27Speaker 00

  You want me to smoke you out with this vodka soda?

• 1:07:30Drew Afualo?

  For real, fuck.

• 1:07:31Speaker 02

  It's got gooch stench in it because it was in the fucking waistline of his pants.

• 1:07:34Drew Afualo?

  There's like a little crack in the side of it because he folded it up to put it in.

• 1:07:37Speaker 00

  Hold it with a finger right on the top.

• 1:07:39Drew Afualo?

  He's got to plug it. Plug the hole.

• 1:07:42Speaker 00

  Got the thumb running up the side, holding the crack. I was just thinking last night, I went on a date last night and I was, I had such a good time. And I was thinking, why didn't I date more in my early twenties? Cause I was in Chicago. I was like, and I was like, oh, you were fucking broke bitch. I had no money at all.

• 1:07:56Drew Afualo?

  That's real.

• 1:07:57Speaker 00

  I was overdrafting my bank account on like ramen noodles. Go on dates because you were broke, honey. I got to college, oof.

• 1:08:04Drew Afualo?

  That's, that's real.

• 1:08:05Speaker 02

  All throughout college, I was fucking broke. Like even when I had jobs, I still felt like I was broke. Cause I was like barely making rent and all that.

• 1:08:11Speaker 00

  I had a coming, I had a coming to God moment after college where I was more broke than I'd ever been because in college, honey, I was maxing those loans. I was loan maxing. Whatever they would give me.

• 1:08:23Drew Afualo?

  Fapsa maxing?

• 1:08:25Speaker 00

  I'm Fapsa maxing. I was, I would literally, I would say, throw an extra five thousand on there.

• 1:08:30Speaker 00

  I'll be, I'll be wanting to go out to eat.

• 1:08:35Drew Afualo?

  Don't worry, I'm good for it. I'm good for it.

• 1:08:37Speaker 00

  Baby, and I'm not having paid them back to this day. I'm refusing.

• 1:08:40Drew Afualo?

  Default.

• 1:08:41Speaker 00

  I know they're gonna get paid off the week after I pay them off.

• 1:08:44Drew Afualo?

  Me holding out.

• 1:08:45Speaker 00

  I'm holding out. Joseph Robinette Biden, I know you watch this. Forgive them. Joey B.

• 1:08:51Drew Afualo?

  Joey B, hook me up.

• 1:08:53Speaker 00

  Uh, yeah, I can't. But I, I was so broke. And then, yeah, after college, I was more broke than then because there were no more student loans coming in.

• 1:08:59Speaker 02

  You know what I do miss about college bars? Because it, it felt expensive, but going, oh my God, if I, we could go back. Like a vodka cram being four dollars.

• 1:09:09Drew Afualo?

  Girl. I'm like, and close it, and close it, and close it, close the tab, close it.

• 1:09:14Speaker 00

  Is there a water fountain around here somewhere?

• 1:09:17Speaker 00

  I'll just turn from the fucking faucet in the bathroom.

• 1:09:19Drew Afualo?

  That's how you get fucked up before you go. Get one drink, sip and nurse the whole night.

• 1:09:24Speaker 00

  Everclear Gatorade.

• 1:09:27Drew Afualo?

  Dude, the very first drink I ever got fucked up off was gin, but we didn't know what to mix it with. So we tried to mix it with orange juice. Hey, don't. That's horrible. And I, why gin? I'm like a ninety, I'm in Mad Men. Like, why am I drinking? John Hamm?

• 1:09:42Speaker 00

  Spherical ice cubes.

• 1:09:44Drew Afualo?

  It's in my office. It's two PM on a Monday. Okay. That's why, uh, gin was the first time I ever got fucked up.

• 1:09:51Speaker 02

  A bar in College Station called Tipsy Turtle. And we used to do pickle shots. And you could do a normal pickle shot or a spicy one. Where they would do pickle juice, vodka, and then a shot of Tabasco in it. I would suck them bitches down like it was water. I mean, like, six, seven, eight tequila shots, yes. And then there was this other bar that would do, and again, this is like so not what a college student should be doing. Like, drink the fucking handle of vodka and go out and dance.

• 1:10:19Drew Afualo?

  Yeah, literally.

• 1:10:20Speaker 02

  It was called a breakfast shot. Get into this. You start with, um, that's gonna be a, a, uh, orange juice shot. Okay, it's like vodka and orange juice, mimosa.

• 1:10:29Drew Afualo?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:30Speaker 02

  And then you move on to a butterscotch pancake shot. Which is just, I don't know, it was like-

• 1:10:35Drew Afualo?

  This is at night?

• 1:10:35Speaker 02

  This is at night. It's like a maple flavored liquor. You take a shot of that, and then they give you a piece of bacon.

• 1:10:40Speaker 00

  You know what?

• 1:10:42Drew Afualo?

  And they throw it into your mouth?

• 1:10:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, then they make you go, "Oh, fuck." Yeah, for it.

• 1:10:45Speaker 00

  I might need to get down to Texas.

• 1:10:46Speaker 02

  I'm telling you, bitch, breakfast shot, and that shit was like eight dollars.

• 1:10:50Speaker 00

  Dude, they're, so our big move in high school was the, and I wasn't a huge drinker in high school, but I was definitely trying to like fit in. I, we would do, we would go get like, uh, ocean waters from Sonic.

• 1:11:00Speaker 02

  Yup, yo.

• 1:11:00Speaker 00

  And pour half into an empty cup, and then we would pour in a bunch of UV blue vodka, or like Malibu.

• 1:11:05Drew Afualo?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:05Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 1:11:05Speaker 02

  Malibu's real, Malibu's ocean free.

• 1:11:07Speaker 00

  Chernobyl in those fucking cups.

• 1:11:08Speaker 02

  Yup, yup.

• 1:11:09Speaker 00

  So, once-

• 1:11:10Drew Afualo?

  It's glowing.

• 1:11:11Speaker 00

  Like, my junior or senior year of high school, I, I will try to tell this story short, cause it's a little long.

• 1:11:15Drew Afualo?

  No, you're fine.

• 1:11:15Speaker 00

  My junior year of high school, or it could have been senior year, my friend Abby's, is a very good friend of mine to this day. Her dad moved, he lived like twenty miles outside of our town, and he moved to a new house, so his house was empty for a while.

• 1:11:25Drew Afualo?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:25Speaker 00

  It was a big, huge, like, three-story house in the country. And we, uh, we knew a bunch of kids from the other towns around, where I grew up in very rural Missouri. And she was like, "I'm gonna throw a party." And we were like, "Okay." So she threw, we invited like all the kids from the other towns.

• 1:11:41Drew Afualo?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:41Speaker 00

  And everyone converged on this house, and we threw this big-

• 1:11:43Drew Afualo?

  Me picturing like Footloose.

• 1:11:46Speaker 00

  We can dance here, Pa.

• 1:11:49Speaker 02

  They're dressed like it's from the 50s.

• 1:11:51Drew Afualo?

  Yeah, it's your Kevin Bacon.

• 1:11:52Speaker 00

  Yo, last night was a fucking sock hop.

• 1:11:56Speaker 00

  So, we threw this big party and it was a huge, a smash hit. Next day, everyone's texting, "When's the next one?", right?

• 1:12:02Drew Afualo?

  Period.

• 1:12:02Speaker 00

  Now, Project X had come out around this time.

• 1:12:04Drew Afualo?

  Oh, period.

• 1:12:04Speaker 00

  So, we're like, okay, so we throw another one the next weekend.

• 1:12:07Drew Afualo?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:07Speaker 00

  Even bigger, smash hit, everyone's having fun, hooking up, not me.

• 1:12:12Drew Afualo?

  Not me, I can't stress that enough on me.

• 1:12:13Speaker 00

  Everyone's having fun, hooking up, I'm in the closet, so I'm doing bits on the corner.

• 1:12:17Drew Afualo?

  I'm pulling my pajama pants up again.

• 1:12:18Speaker 00

  Truly, truly. All my friends are like making out with hot guys, and at one point, I set up a fortune telling booth.

• 1:12:26Speaker 00

  And I was like, "Come over if y'all want your fortunes read."

• 1:12:28Drew Afualo?

  Why are you Tom Hanks in Big? Why are you doing fortunes?

• 1:12:31Speaker 00

  Truly, like, so pathetic.

• 1:12:33Speaker 02

  You're reading palms just to touch a man.

• 1:12:35Speaker 00

  I was like, truly.

• 1:12:35Speaker 02

  I'll read your palm.

• 1:12:36Speaker 00

  I was like, "Give it to me", you know, give me a hand.

• 1:12:38Speaker 02

  Rock hard under the table.

• 1:12:39Speaker 00

  Truly, I'm like walking around asking if people need refills, they're like, "Who is that guy?"

• 1:12:45Speaker 00

  Sandwich I still do at parties, did that to all of you the other night.

• 1:12:48Drew Afualo?

  You do.

• 1:12:48Speaker 00

  At my party.

• 1:12:50Drew Afualo?

  A host till you die.

• 1:12:51Speaker 00

  A host till I die, and so, we had the second one, and then we, we, we did a big mistake, and we went for a third on the third weekend.

• 1:12:56Drew Afualo?

  Damn.

• 1:12:57Speaker 02

  Should've quit while you're ahead.

• 1:12:58Speaker 00

  We should've quit while we were ahead, honey, and we sure did not, and it was bigger than ever, and I'm talking like, we said get there at 9:00, we showed up at 8:45, there were already other cars there, so we were like, "This is bad." It was the biggest one we had thrown, and we, everybody's getting super drunk, I was getting super drunk that night, because there was one guy at my high school that I was convinced was closeted, and I was like, "Tonight, I'm bagging him", and I eventually, well, anyway. Just to say, eventually.

• 1:13:19Drew Afualo?

  I'm always right.

• 1:13:21Speaker 00

  Let's just say, I was right, and, but it wasn't that night, and so that night, I got super drunk on UV Blue, and everyone's hooking up.

• 1:13:27Speaker 02

  Fucking acid.

• 1:13:28Speaker 00

  Acid, truly, truly, yeah, battery acid. Everyone's so fucked up, and we see sirens, and the cops have been called. So now, the cops are pulling up, and, uh, everyone hides, and we turn off all the lights, and we're like, "They can't come in without a warrant", no one knows what they're talking about, and so, it's fully, it's fully, we are trespassing.

• 1:13:44Drew Afualo?

  Relax, everybody mentioned.

• 1:13:46Speaker 00

  So, we all hide, and they don't come in, and then, I'm hiding under a pool table, so I'm under the pool table, and there're shining flashlights in the windows, and they're looking around, and they can't see anyone, everyone's like up against the walls like this, and they shine it under the pool table, and it's just me. And he goes, "You!", and I go, and I-

• 1:14:02Drew Afualo?

  So, I see your big ass, by the way.

• 1:14:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, there's not a pool table big enough in the world, honey.

• 1:14:08Speaker 00

  And I whisper, I'm like, is he talking to me? And then he goes, under the pool table, out now.

• 1:14:14Speaker 00

  So I go, fuck guys, they got me. So I go out, I go, don't worry, I'm gonna go handle it.

• 1:14:19Speaker 00

  I go out there and it's the cops. My grandpa is a deputy sheriff. And so I'm nervous that he's gonna be out there. He is not out there. And this is, we're in his county. I go out there and it's this guy, this guy, he's being so intense, got a flashlight in my face, like, what the fuck's going on? I tell him and he goes, here's the deal. I'm feeling generous tonight. Go down there and get everyone who's sober, who's driving, put all the drunk people in the car, sober drive them home and never do this again. I'm not gonna give any MIPs.

• 1:14:43Speaker 00

  And I was like, thank you so much. But we, we, I found out, so I went to gather all the sober people to make sober driving happen. But during the time that they had busted me from under the pool table, we had a foreign exchange student from Mexico named Carolina. And we, for some reason, were convinced that she would get deported. And so if she got caught at this party, I don't know why, we were like, she'll get deported.

• 1:15:02Drew Afualo?

  She's like, I'm literally, she's like, I'm a foreign exchange student, like, I'm in the program.

• 1:15:07Speaker 00

  She's not a US citizen, she's not trying to be. She, so we hid her in a broom closet. And she was in the broom closet, well, no one remembered about her. So we, so like thirty or forty, because I think one person thought they were gonna grab Carolina, the other thought they were. And then we, we, dude, we were so paranoid because we thought we got away with murder, you know?

• 1:15:23Drew Afualo?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:15:24Speaker 00

  And so we're like, thirty minutes later, we're on the road home, on the highway home, and Carolina calls us and she's like, I'm scared, I'm scared, who's coming to get me? And she's in the house alone. So we like circle back, Carolina, God bless you, girl. If you're out there, I wish you the best.

• 1:15:37Drew Afualo?

  Sending love.

• 1:15:38Speaker 00

  And we're like, we're like nervous that the cops are still watching the house. So we like turn off our headlights and like creep down a gravel road.

• 1:15:44Drew Afualo?

  This is the same day?

• 1:15:45Speaker 00

  This is the same night. This is that night, like thirty, forty-five minutes later, she's been in the broom closet alone. So, my car, we pull up, we're pulling down with the lights off down this gravel road. And we call her and we go, run outside now and get in the trunk. We're still convinced she can get deported, so if we get pulled over, we're like a gravel road away. And there's this huge yard between the house and us. And we just see in the darkness, Carolina just sprinting towards the car. Someone gets out, opens the trunk, she hops in, and we drive her back, we drive her back in the trunk.

• 1:16:12Drew Afualo?

  Safe from deportation.

• 1:16:13Speaker 00

  We got her out of there.

• 1:16:13Drew Afualo?

  Safe from a threat that didn't, wasn't gonna happen.

• 1:16:17Speaker 00

  Border Patrol.

• 1:16:19Drew Afualo?

  That being said.

• 1:16:20Speaker 00

  We said not today bitch.

• 1:16:21Drew Afualo?

  Fuck ICE bitch.

• 1:16:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:16:22Drew Afualo?

  You know what's funny? And when I was in college, there was a bar right off campus called Tropics and it was known for underage. Like you could get in pretty easy. So like before I had a fake, you, I would go in early. That way when it started popping off, like I, they wouldn't check me again. But then when they started doing sweeping for that shit, my friends would go and they would like get the stamp and they would, she would come right back to me and then press it to my hand.

• 1:16:44Speaker 02

  Smart.

• 1:16:45Drew Afualo?

  And so women in sem.

• 1:16:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, thank you. I love women in sem.

• 1:16:48Drew Afualo?

  And so one time she pressed it to me and I walk in and he goes, why is it on that hand? Cause everybody's was on their left. And I was like, I don't know. Ask your guy why he stamped my right hand. He goes, what guy? I go, he's somewhere in there. Do you mind if I go in there? My purse is in there, all my stuff. He's like, I'm gonna go look for the guy who's allegedly stamped your hand. I'm like, okay, yeah, sounds good. He turns around. I just walked in.

• 1:17:05Speaker 02

  Period.

• 1:17:06Drew Afualo?

  Me thinking he can't see me. I'm the biggest bitch in there. I'm like.

• 1:17:09Speaker 02

  You're ahead taller than everyone.

• 1:17:11Drew Afualo?

  Melman the giraffe. Behind everyone. But there was this time we left and one of my girlfriends and I get fucked up. It was just the two of us like woo, like drinking all night, fucking drinks all night. Absolutely trash. This is not a good thing, but she, she said, I can drive home. And I said, can you? And I lived, I didn't live too far. And she was like, no, I'm good. I'm good. And she looked good. And I thought she was good. So I was like, okay. So I got in the car with her and we're giving two guys a ride home too. And so she, she's driving and this is not a good thing, but like drunk driving is pretty common in Hawaii. I don't know why, but like, it's probably because everything is so close. Not a good, not an excuse. I didn't do it. Anyways, we're driving away.

• 1:17:47Speaker 00

  Fuck, you go, don't do it, but we did it and we had them live.

• 1:17:50Drew Afualo?

  Say, do as I say, not as I do. And so she starts pulling out, immediately pulled over, like immediately pulled over. And she's a local girl, like she's born and raised in Hawaii, like, and HPD, like, they're really nice. Like they're super nice to local people. So she pulls, they pull us over. The two guys in the back are athletes. So they're like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. And I was like, are you guys fucking 21? And they're like, yeah. I'm like, you're fine. Relax. Cause we were all 21 at that point. And so I'm sitting in the passenger seat, but I'm immediately sober. Cause I'm like, uh oh. And then she's like, he goes, oh, have you been drinking? She's like, I only had a couple. And I was like, a couple hundred, but okay.

• 1:18:23Speaker 00

  Girl, you were drinking like a fish.

• 1:18:25Drew Afualo?

  I was like, you drank more than I did. Yeah. She's like, no, I only had a couple. And he's like, okay. He takes her out. And then he takes her back there and he starts giving her the test, like the walking in a line, like all that shit. I wasn't watching, but I'm assuming she failed miserably because then he breathalyzed her, right? And then she was like over the limit, but I didn't know what was going on. I'm just sitting there and it looks like they're kind of like laughing.

• 1:18:46Speaker 02

  I was on Instagram.

• 1:18:48Drew Afualo?

  I was again drunk, so I was just like staring out the window. And then she comes back and she goes, and I go, oh, how's it going? Cause she looks happy and like, fine. She goes, okay, so I'm getting arrested. What I need you to do, take my car, drive it to your house so it doesn't get impounded and then I'll get it from you tomorrow. I said, girl, are you out of your fucking mind? I'm not doing that shit. She goes, I need you to take it so it doesn't get towed. Okay. Love you. She goes, he puts the cuffs on her. Put her in the fucking car. I was like, oh my God. Like I was like, I was freaking out. I was like, okay, I gotta call an Uber or something like I get out of the car. And so the police officer comes and he's like, um, have you been drinking? I go, yeah, I have been, I have been. I've been drinking. Yeah. And then he was like, okay, well, I don't want to tow the car. So like, um, you know, if you want, like you can drive it. I said, what is this? A test?

• 1:19:33Drew Afualo?

  So I get behind the wheel and then you pull me over. Nice try, buddy. Me still fucked up. Nice try. You're not gonna fucking get me.

• 1:19:40Speaker 02

  You're not gonna drive here today. Fucking bitch. Fucking pig.

• 1:19:48Drew Afualo?

  And I'm literally like, oh no, no, no, like I'm not doing that. And he was like, it's not a test. Like he's like, if you want, I can breathalyze you. And if you're over it, then just call a cab and go home. And I was like, okay. So I got out. Why? I don't know. I got out, walked over there. Mind you, um, like tits pushed up to my chest. Like I'm literally in this like shortest shorts ever. Yeah, I'm like, officer, nice to meet you. And then he breathalizes me. Girl, I was point zero one. I said, I hold alcohol like a tank.

• 1:20:19Drew Afualo?

  And then I drove home, drove, drove through the drive-through of Taco Bell, picked up some food, went home.

• 1:20:23Speaker 02

  You and the homies in the back?

• 1:20:24Drew Afualo?

  Yeah. And then I called my mom when I got home. I said, you'll never guess what happened to me tonight. And then I was like, yeah, those are your grandpa's jeans. Like my, my grandpa. Cause he can hold liquor like a champ bitch.

• 1:20:33Speaker 02

  Did you feel drunk though?

• 1:20:35Drew Afualo?

  I thought I did. I mean, I think the adrenaline probably sobered me up more than anything, but I was like, he's like, oh, you're like, not even drunk at all. And I was like, you're goddamn fucking right. I'm not.

• 1:20:46Speaker 00

  You said, hey, thanks player.

• 1:20:50Drew Afualo?

  Hey, drop me up.

• 1:20:52Drew Afualo?

  Free the homies.

• 1:20:54Speaker 02

  Free my girl.

• 1:20:56Speaker 00

  What can I do to get my girl out of the backseat?

• 1:20:59Speaker 00

  By the way, she should be president. She's like, she's like, bestie, I'm getting arrested.

• 1:21:02Drew Afualo?

  Yeah, she's like, okay, so I'm getting arrested, but here's what I need you to do. Okay, lock in with me. Need you to take my car so it doesn't get towed. And I was like, what the fuck?

• 1:21:10Speaker 02

  Can you hand me my lip gloss?

• 1:21:13Speaker 00

  No, the cops are like chilled. They are asking me, but they're like, being very cool about it.

• 1:21:17Speaker 02

  They're really cool, they're really cool.

• 1:21:18Drew Afualo?

  Yeah, she came to my house the next morning. She was on my doorstep the next morning. She was like, yo, crazy night. Yeah, one would say, yeah.

• 1:21:25Speaker 00

  She's like, yo, last night was a misdemeanor.

• 1:21:28Drew Afualo?

  Last night was a warning.

• 1:21:29Speaker 00

  Last night was a class A felony.

• 1:21:33Speaker 02

  Last night was an M I P.

• 1:21:37Drew Afualo?

  Well, anyways, we've talked about literally everything except the topic, which is great.

• 1:21:42Speaker 02

  What was the topic?

• 1:21:44Drew Afualo?

  I didn't even get there.

• 1:21:45Speaker 02

  It was a topic?

• 1:21:48Drew Afualo?

  I didn't even fucking get there. We didn't need it. Literally, when I text you, I said, you're like, what's the topic, girl? Just kidding, never mind, we don't need one.

• 1:21:54Speaker 02

  We don't need one.

• 1:21:56Speaker 00

  Forget it.

• 1:21:56Speaker 02

  We don't need one.

• 1:21:57Speaker 00

  Hey, forget about it.

• 1:21:58Drew Afualo?

  That Cooper story is gonna stay with me forever.

• 1:22:01Speaker 02

  That's same way I had to.

• 1:22:02Speaker 00

  God bless him, that's famo right there.

• 1:22:04Drew Afualo?

  That's fan, that's gang, that's gang for real.

• 1:22:08Drew Afualo?

  That's mother.

• 1:22:09Speaker 02

  Cooper is mother.

• 1:22:10Speaker 00

  I put two pills in front of Cooper. One's mother, one's cunt. I said, choose one.

• 1:22:15Speaker 02

  Choose wife.

• 1:22:19Drew Afualo?

  He popped both. He popped both. He's off the perks.

• 1:22:25Speaker 00

  Throw two pills in front of you. One's mother, one's cunt. Cooper, do you feel the rush?

• 1:22:34Drew Afualo?

  I'm like, Alexa, play Rush by Twice A One.

• 1:22:37Speaker 02

  What, what are you wearing? That's poppers, babe.

• 1:22:39Speaker 00

  Poppers.

• 1:22:40Speaker 02

  Oh, wow.

• 1:22:42Speaker 00

  Shit.

• 1:22:42Drew Afualo?

  Well, thank you to comedy geniuses for coming on the pod again.

• 1:22:46Speaker 02

  I love y'all to goddamn death, and I'm serious.

• 1:22:50Speaker 00

  I love you both so much, I could not be more grateful for your friendship.

• 1:22:53Drew Afualo?

  Fucking same.

• 1:22:53Speaker 02

  Feeling is so mutual.

• 1:22:54Speaker 00

  I love you. Let's never work together again.

• 1:22:58Drew Afualo?

  This was tough. We should, yeah, I feel bad for everyone in the room. It's upsetting, they had to turn the air on for us, we were sweating.

• 1:23:04Speaker 02

  You had to put three big girls in a room and not have the fucking air on?

• 1:23:07Speaker 00

  Ten more minutes without that mini split running, and it would have smelled like Beducian.

• 1:23:12Drew Afualo?

  You would have needed Coop's cologne, for sure. Not even that could have covered the stench.

• 1:23:16Speaker 00

  Lucky you wouldn't touch what I got brewing.

• 1:23:21Drew Afualo?

  Butt pussy?

• 1:23:22Speaker 00

  Booty dick and pussy. Y'all aren't up?

• 1:23:25Drew Afualo?

  Butt pussy.

• 1:23:26Speaker 00

  Y'all aren't up.

• 1:23:27Drew Afualo?

  Well, that's, you know, my prom date knows all about that. He's metaphorical dildos up his butt, does he? He's all up in his own.

• 1:23:34Speaker 00

  I know he's giving some mousy girl hell in the bedroom. I know they waited until marriage and she didn't realize what she signed up for.

• 1:23:42Drew Afualo?

  He's like, will you please pick me, please?

• 1:23:44Speaker 00

  I know some bitch in a cardigan goes through war every night. I'm sorry to say, if the temple's rocking, don't come a-knocking.

• 1:23:52Drew Afualo?

  Car, cardigan and some Tevas.

• 1:23:54Speaker 00

  I know. I know he rips those capris off her.

• 1:24:00Drew Afualo?

  Hair down to her knees.

• 1:24:01Speaker 00

  Serious.

• 1:24:03Speaker 02

  Stanley is clinking around.

• 1:24:07Drew Afualo?

  But thank you guys so much for coming on the show. I love y'all.

• 1:24:09Speaker 02

  Oh, love you.

• 1:24:10Speaker 00

  Love you guys.

• 1:24:11Drew Afualo?

  The best people in the world.

• 1:24:12Speaker 02

  Let's never do this again.

• 1:24:13Speaker 00

  Let's make a pact. In 10 years, we'll all meet up right back here.

• 1:24:20Speaker 00

  Why is everybody laughing?

• 1:24:23Drew Afualo?

  The one? I'm gonna shoot you dead when we finish, so you're not gonna make it for 10 years.

• 1:24:28Speaker 02

  The one where they go on Brat TV.

• 1:24:34Speaker 00

  Wait, this is low-key our central perk.

• 1:24:38Speaker 00

  Where is Marcel the monkey?

• 1:24:42Speaker 00

  Dibs on Fat Monica.

• 1:24:46Drew Afualo?

  I'll be Fat Joey when he has that one scene where he's fat.

• 1:24:49Speaker 00

  Dibs on Fat Monica. I wanna play that beefy bitch.

• 1:24:51Drew Afualo?

  I like to think.

• 1:24:52Speaker 02

  Beefy bitch?

• 1:24:54Drew Afualo?

  I like to think I'm Monica or like Rachel or Phoebe, but I'm Gunther. Bitch, I'm David Schwimmer.

• 1:25:03Speaker 00

  Not even Ross? Or David Schwimmer?

• 1:25:05Speaker 02

  I'm David Schwimmer out of drag. Not my Ross drag.

• 1:25:08Speaker 00

  Did you guys see the supercut of all the times he said juice during the OJ movie? He said, he said, he goes, he goes, your uncle Juice is a good man. Juice, juice, juice. Cause they called OJ the Juice.

• 1:25:18Drew Afualo?

  Yeah, the Juice.

• 1:25:19Speaker 00

  And there's a supercut of David Schwimmer's character in that saying it 15 million. It's so fucking funny. He's like, juice, juice, juice. It's like literally everything.

• 1:25:29Drew Afualo?

  You're David Schwimmer, but in Madagascar.

• 1:25:32Speaker 02

  Melman. That's two Melman jokes you've made.

• 1:25:36Drew Afualo?

  Obviously comedy is my, my job, my, my calling and purpose in life.

• 1:25:39Speaker 02

  You got Madagascar on the brain.

• 1:25:41Speaker 00

  Last night was a Pixar animated feature.

• 1:25:42Drew Afualo?

  That's true. That's a DreamWorks feature, bitch.

• 1:25:45Speaker 00

  FR, FR. Whoa, okay.

• 1:25:49Drew Afualo?

  Shit.

• 1:25:49Speaker 02

  First of all.

• 1:25:50Drew Afualo?

  I'm sorry.

• 1:25:51Speaker 00

  I was very gracious to come in.

• 1:25:54Drew Afualo?

  And be vulnerable with me.

• 1:25:55Speaker 00

  Somebody fly in my gum.

• 1:25:59Drew Afualo?

  You're like.

• 1:26:00Speaker 00

  Somebody fly in the mother gum.

• 1:26:05Drew Afualo?

  Thank you guys for coming on the pod. I adore you.

• 1:26:06Speaker 00

  I love y'all.

• 1:26:07Speaker 02

  I love it, y'all.

• 1:26:08Drew Afualo?

  Thank you all for joining us on this all star episode. Where can everybody find you? Please promote anything.

• 1:26:14Speaker 00

  I'm on tour, but the shows are all sold out. I don't know what to tell you.

• 1:26:17Drew Afualo?

  Sorry, guys.

• 1:26:19Speaker 00

  I'm on, Caleb says things on the internet. You can find me on there and listen to my new podcast, So True, episodes with both of these two. You've probably already seen it, but check it out.

• 1:26:26Speaker 02

  Yeah, please get those views up because the ad suitability is.

• 1:26:30Speaker 00

  All my, all my, literally all my ad suitability on YouTube is like, this is just them being like, get a grip.

• 1:26:35Speaker 02

  Um, I am Brittany Broski. I have a podcast called The Broski Report. I have a show called Royal Court that this motherfucker's been on. We have got to get you on it, my brother.

• 1:26:43Speaker 00

  A lot of, a lot of talk.

• 1:26:45Speaker 02

  A lot of, a lot of talk, not a lot of emails.

• 1:26:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, let's get those followers up.

• 1:26:50Drew Afualo?

  We'll revisit.

• 1:26:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, we'll say, when you get those followers up, we can have you on the show.

• 1:26:53Drew Afualo?

  Let's do it next quarter.

• 1:26:55Speaker 02

  Let's see 100K. Let's see 100K.

• 1:26:57Speaker 00

  Come on.

• 1:26:58Speaker 02

  Let's see that plaque.

• 1:26:59Speaker 00

  Hang in there.

• 1:27:03Speaker 02

  Oh my god.

• 1:27:04Drew Afualo?

  Yeah, please follow them on everything you probably already fucking do. But thank you all for joining us on this episode. Thank you for watching my brother and sister in Christ. Look at us together.

• 1:27:13Speaker 02

  Seriously, y'all. Fucking iPhones.

• 1:27:19Speaker 00

  Shooting up.

• 1:27:20Drew Afualo?

  Thank you guys so much for watching this episode. I love you all. Thank you to Brittany and Caleb, the funniest people on the internet. And I'll see you next week. Bye.