The Basement Yard
Original podcast
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16,619 words · 5 speakers
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Welcome back to the basement.
Welcome back to the basement yard.
We're like a stay awake in your sweet surrender.
Hello to you as well, Ant.
Hello.
I've got a headache, a little bit of one, so I'm trying to-
Is it a hot headache? Cause it's 1 million fucking degrees in here.
It's a hot headache, yeah. Hat, white hat might have been a mistake. This hat is about to turn like Ant's pants after he saw me coming.
What does that whole thing mean? Why would your hat change color?
That part was more important than "I saw him coming", what does that mean?
Yeah, that is- I like "coming", like arriving, not like-
That's what they call it, you know?
Yeah, that's what they say in Britain.
Not like ejaculate. Like he saw, like he saw my presence was nearing, near his.
And what are you saying that is doing for him?
It was gonna turn his pants into piss, so like this will be yellow with sweat. Having to explain it really ruined it. I thought I actually was cooking there for a quick sec.
Unfortunately, it made zero sense.
Unfortunately? I thought it was perfectly fine if you would let me get-
Unfortunately, oh, oh, oh!
If you would let me get it out, but the minute I bring up "coming", you're jumping down my throat. I heard it, I heard it.
First of all, I didn't bring it up.
I heard it.
Yeah.
I heard it and I apologize.
It's okay.
That's a minute thirty in, what are you gonna do?
Things happen.
Things did happen.
Bing bang boom.
Um, I am, I am asking, it is that time, I am asking for a, uh, update, a dog out update.
Oh, I had one yesterday.
Have you guys been getting dogged out lately?
Uh, not how you ask it, but I, I did have a hot dog yesterday.
Way to go.
Wasn't real, it was the fake sausage ones, the slappy ones that Nicole makes that are like hot as fuck.
Well, I mean, brother, we're allowing you to call it a hot dog, we fully support your hot dog journey.
I definitely had one.
And?
And it was steaming hot, and I didn't get a warning.
Spit in your mouth?
I don't know if I have a sensitive mouth, but whenever, like, whenever I eat something, I'm like, oh my god, that like burned my mouth. Other people eat it and they're like, fine.
Well, you have a sensitive mouth, the thing's been beat up for years, so I can imagine that it is, you know.
It's like seven in a row?
Yeah, I mean.
I mean, that one, you have to understand, you immediately walked into that one.
Let's just wait for the roar of the crowd to die down before we continue.
If there was a crowd here and I made that joke, I think they would laugh at it. I would hope so.
You'd have someone laugh.
We're gonna find out on tour.
Well, it's weird because, you know, if you think about it, like, you know how like people that like work construction, they have calloused hands because it's what they do for their work and it, and it kind of leads them to have, you know, there's, there's, there's personality to their hands.
Mm-hmm.
Professionally, you use your mouth and your throat the most, so I would imagine that it would be less sensitive.
You couldn't even get that out without smirking, that's the worst joke ever.
He's kinda cooking a little.
I'm kinda, right?
Well, who are you? I don't care about your opinion either, jerk.
Uh, that was unnecessary.
That was rude, he's hot, he's hot.
He is hot, and I get it, honestly, you're, you're, you're allowed.
I will say, you guys are now teaming up against me and bullying me, and I, I, I will get physical.
Ooh.
Which way would you go first?
What does that mean?
Like, who, who, like, let's say you had to take both of us down right now, where are you going first?
Whoever talked last.
So, you were talking about, yeah, that's fine. You were talking about getting dogged out yesterday. It was good.
Yes, it was.
We're referencing hot dogs, everyone. Take it easy.
Right.
You're obviously not gonna come on here and tell us about you getting fucked in the butt.
This can't, this can't be.
You can literally say anything but that. And it would have been fine, but...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Am I, be honest with me, am I being too much right now?
Not that you're being too much, I think that sentence was like...
Alright, alright. We'll back up a little bit.
Don't say it again!
I know, I'm not going to. Obviously, we're not, we're just gonna take it again from the top.
No, we're not.
Obviously, we're not talking about, we're talking about hot dogs, we're not referencing you, um...
Get, uh, getting, uh, um...
See, this is the problem with you. You don't think.
You're just gonna start again and say a whole thing and you have nothing there and now we're starting over. You wanna start over again, let me guess, right?
No.
Yeah. Anyway, what's on your t-shirt before I freak out?
No, was it a good hot dog?
It's where my parlay goes to die. It's a grave parlay.
Wow.
My parlay sucks.
And it is 100 million degrees and you're wearing a crew neck and it's making me hotter.
I thought the AC was gonna be working, it's cold outside.
It's, it is, it is colder outside than it had been over the last week.
It's 75 outside!
And also, you know what? I'm about to show the world your sausage and how it's made. You were here before you put that on, so you put that on knowing it was hot, so you wanna be a sweaty, stinky little fucker over there. I'm sorry.
Yeah, that sounded horny, I'm not gonna lie. You did.
The heat is doing something to me.
You want me to go back and put on my swoop?
The, the heat, the heat is doing something to me.
It's making you turnt up.
I, I guess, but, um, I had, I had four hot dogs over the weekend, thank you for asking.
Four?
Yes.
Oh, that's low.
It was, actually, I, I kind of...
Was that in one day?
Uh, it was in one day. Uh, I did... I did also have a cheeseburger while I had that. I was in a hot dog eating contest.
How do you break that up?
What?
Do you do like, hot dog, hot dog, burger?
I started with the burger, in my own words, to, um, you know, just kind of prepare everything. And, uh, then I went just straight four dogs, just bang, bang, bang.
Back to back to back?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes, sir.
You said you had a hot dog eating contest?
Yes, I...
Wait, what?
I wasn't in like a legit one, it was my, my 13-year-old nephew was there, and we were there for his little birthday get-together, and I was like, "Let's do a contest." And he was like, "Why?" I was like, "Because I need this."
And, uh, we both had four.
You couldn't beat a 13-year-old?
I opted not to, honestly, I was gonna let him have the last one, because there was only like two more left, I was gonna let him have it to win, but he didn't want it, so we both left, having only had four.
You tied with a 13-year-old?
That's crazy. As like the hot dog guy, I don't...
If anything, he's the embarrassing one for having lost to a 33-year-old.
Why is that embarrassing? He's only 13.
He didn't lose, he tied.
If you're not first, you're last, baby, you know that.
You're last then?
I know.
I know. I fully agree.
Wow, okay.
And it is, it is the burden I must bear now.
Did you put anything on it, or were these raws?
I mean, I was just ketchup, they didn't have, I didn't want to ask for sauerkraut.
Ketchup.
Ketchup, though, ketchup, right? Ketchup, everyone, not ketchup, because it's not tag that we're playing here, it's not that.
Oh, all right, all right, all right, all right, let me take this again.
Ketchup. So, I, the only thing I put on it while you were getting dogged out in the butt.
I can't, I'm not allowed to, I can't laugh.
Yeah. He's faking a laugh here.
I'm not faking anything. Um, ketchup, is that better, sir?
No, it's correct.
Hold on. I had my ketchup while I was, there was a photographer there, and I was having coconut water. Is that what you want?
For you to say words correctly?
Is that what you want? You want me to, let's, everyone, let's, let's, let's be the version of ourselves that Joey wants us to be, or else he's gonna go fucking, you know, get mad at us.
It sounded like you farted.
How would I have farted? Through your butt.
Oh, yeah.
How would I have farted?
I don't know, you said, "Sounded like I farted," I was talking.
I just heard it, it sounded like a p-
I do think that the, the heat is making us all just a little silly today.
I think, silly is, I think we're all a little bit angry at each other. I think we should restart.
Okay.
Alright.
And we'll, we'll just be in like a good graces right now.
Okay, okay, okay.
I'm about that.
Refresh, refresh.
Alright, alright.
No, no, no, no, don't say anything. Don't say a word, because you're gonna do this whole preamble that we don't need, let's just go from here, okay?
Alright, alright, alright.
Anyway, we should probably talk about Captain America's big fat dick.
Oh.
Can we pull up his wiener, because I got, I saw a picture of this before, uh, the show started. I, I, I don't, I have questions and I know that you guys have answers to it.
We do have answers.
So, so this is from the hit game Marvel Rivals.
Yes, which-
This is a video game.
This is?
And, this is a skin of Captain America for the summer.
That is the most insane-
Yeah dude, yeah brother.
That literally looks like someone put their foot in there.
And here's the thing-
It looks like a shoe.
It looks, I'm not kidding, it, it looks like he crapped his pants in the front. Like, if there was a human that like had some sort of irreversible condition where they shit out of their pee hole, that's what it would look like.
That just looks like if I shoved my knee in it. Like, and, and also, this is a before and after, because I'm assuming they dialed it back a bit?
Still a massive, massive dog.
That's America's cock and balls.
That doesn't even look like, what's his name? Captain America?
I mean, it's not, it, it, it's not, so it's not meant to-
Why's he wearing a bikini?
So, it's like the summer thing, he's like a lifeguard, right? Is that the, the skin?
Yeah, I think it's like a-
Captain America's a lifeguard? What happened? What happened to saving the world? We're watching a pool now?
I mean, hey man, sometimes the pool needs saving, sometimes the world needs a saving.
So they're also saying that Marvel Rivals sneakily did this. They sneakily, um, reduced the size of this-
You added a 10-foot-long weiner to the video game and you wouldn't know if you made it a 5-foot-long? You think we wouldn't know?
Listen, that looks like that there is someone with just standing in his pants. Like Ant-Man is in there and he is growing.
Dude, you're gonna put this guy in a video game that children are playing and you have literally... This guy's dick looks like a crocodile's mouth.
Well, I... yeah, I don't wanna comment on that in regard to that, but it certainly... This game is also though, cuz I can almost guarantee you've not played this game.
It has some questionable, like, design choices, like, they are kind of very...
Sexual?
I don't wanna say sexual.
Scant-?
Scant-! There's a scantle to them.
Scantily clad?
Some of them are scantily clad, some of the female characters.
They got big.
Some of them.
And there's jiggle physics.
There are jiggle physics.
Not a term that I'm familiar with?
Well, you can imagine.
So you've played video games.
Correct.
You understand that those games are, you know, made with code and all that. There is code in those games to make body parts jiggle.
Boobs and butts?
Boobs and butts, dude.
And this is a game where they're fighting?
Yeah, so...
There's gonna be a lot of jiggling, a lot of jumping too.
Lot of jumping, lot of flying, lot of getting hit, you know, like, hit back and stuff like that.
So you just got boobs flying all over the place.
I played the game when it first came out for like, a week, and then I stopped cuz I was, you guessed it, dogshit at it.
Nice.
But like, they have some other, like, Squirrel Girl was a big one that was in there.
Squirrel Girl?
Squirrel Girl.
I don't know how that is, but...
She's a, she's like a character. She's strong and she could like, hang out with squirrels.
Can she fly, like a flying squirrel?
You know, that's a really good question. I don't know if Squirrel Girl can fly.
But what's her, what's her, like...
Strong.
Talk to squirrels.
She can talk to squirrels?
I believe that's her thing, right?
That's her power?
I think so. She's not one of those like, super popular ones.
But she's... But why are we bringing her up?
Because she was one that like, people, like, the fans of the game were like, gooning over.
Oh, cuz she had a... She was scantily clad.
I mean, this is the thing that video games do sometimes, and I think people are starting to kinda not like, you know, when they do it.
Isn't that an anime thing?
I don't know, I don't wanna offend the anime fans, cuz they'll...
Be careful.
Oh, you're an anime fan? I'll offend the fuck out of you.
I'm asking.
What was the question?
If in an... If in anime, they like, do that sometimes, like, sometimes the women are like, she's got the huge boobs, and she's got tiny little waists, and she's in school, what the fuck?
Very big. Well, usually the ones that... Usually the ones that are younger, they're actually 3,000 years old, they kinda get away with that kinda thing.
Wait, what does that mean?
Oh, where they look like schoolgirls, but it's like, they're an ancient deity from 3,000 years ago.
Yeah, no one really vibes with that too much, but that's how they get around it.
Well, I can tell you, like, I know for sure that, like, in video games, there have been characters that have been depicted, like, overtly sexual? Like, female characters? Cuz let's be honest, it's mostly the females. I mean, outside of Captain America's big ol' wang.
I mean, that is a crazy thing that we're doing here.
That is a crazy piece. Uh, but like...
That's not all anime, by the way. I'm not gonna do that.
I don't wanna say that either, but...
I mean, I'm asking a question, I don't know.
Oh, Joey would love Jeff the Land Shark. You know he'd play with Jeff the Land Shark.
I wouldn't play with... All the people in the world, I'm gonna play with a shark?
He's like a little dog shark thing, he's kinda cool.
But...
A lot of heroes.
Like, this happened years ago with Mortal Kombat. There was a Mortal Kombat... I think it was Mortal Kombat 9? Where like, one of the alternative skins, like, for Melina, was just basically her with like, tape over her tits.
And people are just like, this is going too far. This has gone too far.
It's too much at a certain point. I feel like you can't just be, you know, we gotta play the video game at the end of the day, we can't be distracted by jiggle, was it jiggle?
Jizzle, jizz physics too, I'm sure are in there somewhere.
Jiggle physics.
Jiggle physics. I think people, like, apparently that's gonna be a big thing in the new Grand Theft Auto game too. That like, jiggle physics are being added to it, and it's taking place in the game universe of Vice City, but what we know as South Beach, Miami. So like, apparently the game is being modeled to have jiggle physics, so people are like, if you could go to a fucking Miami Beach, or Vice City Beach, it's gonna be crazy.
There's just gonna be a lot of butts.
I imagine.
Miami was the first place that I ever went, where I was like, wow, thong bikinis. That was the first time in my life, because I was just up here, you know, with regular bikinis.
I mean, I was a young man, having seen Lita do a swanton bum off of a ladder, so I had seen a thong before.
Well, yeah, but she was wearing pants.
Yeah, but...
I do like when pant, and then it's like the thong is up there, and you're like, whoa, this is underwear. Like, when you're young, that's like the coolest thing ever. You're like, I can see a little underwear string, I'm into this.
Dude, early 2000s had like, low-rise jeans.
Yep.
And thongs basically pulled up to the shoulder blades.
And it was like, getting out of hand.
Yeah, it looked like Borat.
As, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, as a, as a young man, I was not opposed to it.
No, I liked it.
As a now man.
Yeah, no, it's cool.
Yeah, but like, have you ever worn a thong?
Great question.
What's up?
To you, great question to you.
Uh, I don't think so.
I don't, I, I can't, I don't think I have, ah, no, I haven't.
I don't think I've ever worn, like, women's underwear.
I don't think I've worn women's under, I think, ah, no, I don't, I can't recall.
So you doing that and fumbling over your words, I know the answer.
No, I'm trying to honestly remember if and when I have.
What you're trying to do is black it out, it sounds like.
If I, let me tell you something very clearly. If I have worn women's underwear, and I recall it, I'm telling the story, brother.
You think I, I'm not fucking getting that out there?
Are you above a thong?
I don't think I am, I don't think I've been gifted by the gods to, to, to work a thong.
What do you need?
You got a good butt?
Captain America.
No, you don't need a huge hog, you can't wear a thong.
Brother, you put on a thong with a small, like, you're, you're, it's like Etch A Sketch, you could see it.
I don't know how that's like Etch A Sketch. Well, I added a extra etch.
Etch A Sketch.
Yeah, what about a Speedo?
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Would you wear a Speedo?
I don't think I have the confidence for a Speedo. Do you?
I would do it like ironically.
You need to go back to Europe like three or four more times to be like fully Speedoed in.
I'd Speedo in Europe. I haven't. I was at the gym at my building. It like faces the pool. And there was a dude out there in a Speedo and I was like, good for him.
I, I don't think it's for me, but I have the utmost respect for men that could pull off a Speedo.
I think I could.
I just don't. It's just not.
It's tough.
It's just like, it is so.
But it's also like.
It's there.
You know, like you wear like the shorts. You can like wear that around. I would feel weird walking around on the, you know, like if you go to the boardwalk or something.
I will say this.
It's like, now I got a Speedo on.
I imagine it is quite freeing.
Oh yeah, I probably could run real fast in a.
Dude, I'm telling you right now, I think I would probably be able to like wrestle an alligator in a Speedo.
What does a Speedo have to do with that?
It's just the confidence it would instill in me.
I don't, I get it. I don't have it to even put it on.
Do you think it would make you confident to wear a Speedo?
If I, I need a certain amount of confidence to wear a Speedo. And then putting the Speedo on would give me extra confidence.
How do we get to that confidence level?
Pay for me to get a wiener injection.
A wiener injection. Oh, so you would rather it be a big mess in there?
I mean, mess is not the word I would use.
A bigger mess is what I mean.
You still didn't specify the word that I said isn't the one I would use. Mess is the problem there.
Dude, wait, I think you were there. There was one time I was in the water in Miami, and then this dude came up behind us, and we were at like a certain depth in the water that it's kind of like near your waistline, but a little lower or whatever, so when a wave comes, you're kaka-ba, you're probably hidden. But this guy's talking to us about something, whatever, and then a wave passed, and it, and he was wearing a bright yellow Speedo, and I'm not kidding, it looked like this dude had a cat in there.
I'm sure.
It was insane.
I'm sure, dude. Brother. I'm telling you right now.
Brother, you're hiding a swordfish in there?
I'm not even saying like, I'm not even saying that like, everyone that wears Speedos looks like Captain America in Marvel Rivals. You get what I'm saying? But, they carry themselves with BDE. For sure, dude.
Yeah, if you're walking around in a Speedo, you can't be like, "Oh no, I'm wearing a Speedo." But wear that shit.
And, and like, you also, like, I know this isn't the place to do this, like, the beach, but like, I close my eyes and I think of a man in a Speedo, they've got a bunch of rings on, they've got a big gold chain on.
I'm not thinking of that.
They've got those like glasses, the sunglasses that have like the bar at the top that like Tony Stark wears.
What? I haven't pictured this at all.
Really? What do you picture? Close your eyes.
I don't picture anything, really.
Close your eyes.
Closing my eyes.
Imagine a man in a Speedo.
Got it. Yeah.
Why are you touching yourself?
I'm just...
That's for our audio-only listeners.
Oh yeah, we're all dying laughing. I think that, uh... What?
Why are you...
You keep making like gay- Jokes at my expense.
Why are you being mean to me today?
Me!
You're being kinda mean. We're joking around.
No, cuz all-
Everyone's laughing.
Because you keep making the same joke at me.
That you got dogged out?
Seriously, there we go again. I don't like how all this is being said with my face all the time.
Well, well, I'm doing it this way.
So you're-
When you said cat, I thought you were referring to his bush.
No, no, no, but seriously. Oh, no, he wasn't, nah, he, it was just a, it was just a large, any small animal. He's got a tabby cat or shabby cat, which one is it?
What's a tabby cat?
I think it's a type, it's like a, a ta- tab.
Siamese?
No, no, no, no, a tab, a, a, a tabby, American tabby.
Speaking of cats, you, do you like those hairless cats?
Hmm, only when they're kittens. When they grow up, they look evil, dude.
I don't know if I've ever even seen a kitten one.
Ooh, as a kitten, they look cute, because they're smaller, but then when they get bigger, it's like, this is too big to have no fur or hair anywhere.
I feel like, alright, not now.
Why are they hairless? Like, that's my question.
I think it's, uh- These don't look cute as a baby.
That looks like Mewtwo. Uh, what a problem. One of the coolest looking Pokemon.
Hmm, this one looks kinda cute. It really, they're really, they're too nutsacky for me.
Yeah, they're very wrinkled. I don't know, man. That one's kinda cool, though, the one with the blue eyes.
This?
That one has blue eyes, too.
That, yeah, that looks like a cool one.
I don't, like, I don't dislike them.
It looks like my grandmother.
I feel like your grandma looks like that.
That's what your grandmother looks like?
Blue eyes, your grandma's beautiful.
Guess she used to look like that.
Oh, she's dead? This is the dead one. Oh, nice. Well, she doesn't have blue eyes anymore. Not nice, that she's dead. Nice that she used to look like that.
Your grandma was hairless?
That's what I pick, that's what I imagine.
So you don't know? What do you not know?
Yeah, she's hairless-ish.
Your grandma was bald?
Meh.
Do you not know anything about your grandma? What do you know about your grandmother?
When did your grandma pass away?
Years ago.
Same question.
Few years ago.
Within five?
Yeah, within five.
So you should have an idea as to what she looked like.
Well, towards, you know, started getting hairless.
What was her name? Do you know, what did Nona look like? Cause I know that's what you called her.
No, just grandma.
Really? Wow, you're one of those.
Well, one side's grandma, one side's Nona.
Oh, okay, so there is Italian.
Nona, Nona, we mangiare with Nona.
Did she, was she Italian?
Uh, yeah.
But like Italian?
But different Italian.
But like American Italian?
There's an American Italian and an Italian Italian. That's why one was grandma.
Oh, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Was she, was, which one was she?
American Italian.
So she didn't hit you?
Both of them did not. Well, no, actually the American one a little more. It doesn't matter.
So if I, so this is what your grandmother, so send this picture to whichever one of your parents lost their mother. And then be like, look, grandma's here.
That's probably not a good, my mom just.
What animal would you say your grandma looked like?
I'm, I'm, I'm typing it in.
I'm not gonna even go animal, but, and I hope you pull this up.
I will.
I'm not kidding. You're gonna see this.
You had an answer to this queued up?
My grandmother looked like the grandmother from the early 90s show Dinosaurs.
You get the reference?
Yeah. Do you remember that show?
I know your grandma.
Not the mama, not the mama. Oh, is that the? I'm the baby, gotta love me.
Is that the live action?
Wait.
Yo, you know what's crazy, guys? Yo, you know what's insane? He's right. He is so right. Click on the first one. That's Yaya, dude.
That's Yaya.
That's crazy.
That is so like her, dude.
That's so insane, dude.
Yes, dude. Yes.
Oh my god. Alright, now we're gonna spend this whole episode coming up with different characters from TV or anything.
Oh my god, dude, that's your grandma!
I know, dude.
I need to see a picture.
That was Yaya. I mean, by the time, it would take me a while to pull up a picture.
No, it's okay.
Can I? Yes. Will I? If you want me to.
No, I mean.
Well, Joe, you know.
Don't, don't, don't give it away. Don't give it away.
Yeah, let's, I mean, that's her.
This is, this is.
Her legacy lives on better as the grandmother from the show Dinosaurs.
Wow, that's extremely accurate.
You're gonna, you're gonna have to answer.
Your grandmother?
Oh, my grandma? What did she look like? She kinda looked like a Q-tip. Okay, like in a way, she had like tall hair.
You have, we had a picture of you looking like a Q-tip also.
She looked like, you know who your grandmother kinda looked like? Um, the cartoon version of Egon from the early 90s Ghostbusters show.
This is gonna piss me off.
No, no, no, no, it's the tall white hair. It's not that bad.
She would, she had like a tall hair that was kinda see-through, it just looked like smoke. Like a cloud of smoke was on top of her head.
She had a good head of hair, I remember until...
Um, see what I'm saying? Like, it's not awful.
How are you doing that? How are you just pulling this out?
Oh wait, this is accurate?
It's not terrible, not this one, the next one.
This one?
Do you know how much time?
That kinda does look like my grandma.
There have ta-
She had way worse legs, though.
Yeah. Dude, those legs, your grandma the wish she had-
Is that a woman or a man? That's a man.
It's a man. Your grandma the wish she had those legs.
Yeah, yeah, she does. But her legs were like, definitely translucent.
I mean, she wishes she had any legs right now because she has none.
I mean, she didn't have much legs at the end of it, to be fair, either.
I have a lot of time on those long drives to and fro.
And you think about what our grandmas look like?
I just think of just random shit, and this is definitely one of them. I mean, uh-
I always told you, when I think of your mom, I think of Oprah.
A lot of people have said that my mom, like, ruined, like-
Oprah?
No, no, no, in like the mid 2000s, someone at work told her she resembled, uh, like, a cross between Eva Longoria and like Fran Drescher. And I was like, well, there it goes.
Well, that's-
That was, it was gone.
You know who my mom reminds me of? Sally Fields.
I, I, I could see Sally Fields with your mom 100%, I could see-
Nicole's mom looks exactly like Sally Fields, by the way.
Trying to remember.
I saw her on a billboard once. Dude, it was like a fucking Patriots movie.
Yeah, I could see the similarity, 100%. Um, now I gotta think of your mom.
Gotta think of your mom. My mom, that's what my mom kinda looks like, Sally Fields.
Yeah, I definitely, I could 100% see that.
Okay, okay. You know, especially that one.
That picture with the glasses.
Yeah, with the glasses.
With the glasses, that's your mom, right there, 100%.
Someone, uh, once told me, and I don't know if you had co-signed this opinion, that my father was a spitting image of Pedro Martinez.
Yes, that was me, bro.
I don't.
I used to call your dad Pedro.
I don't, I don't think that that is accurate in the slightest.
Yeah, his dad does look like Pedro Martinez.
I don't, I don't see it at all.
Okay, I see it, I see.
Why do you spell Pedro like that, brother?
I actually, I actually see it here.
See, that's fucking Frank's dad.
I don't see that at all, dude. Yeah, that's Frank's dad. I see, I see it a little bit here. The young one, not really, but it's like more in the eyes, like your dad has like, like Pedro Martinez eyes.
Yeah, they're a little droopy. That's what I see you're saying.
Yeah, I'm saying that.
Um, I'm trying to think who, who would my mom, I guess my mom had the big hair like Oprah.
She was missing, uh, some key fa- you know, uh, what's the word I'm looking for? Features.
So this is Frankie's mom?
Yeah, the hair.
To me, yes.
She gets, absolutely.
Like, obviously Oprah's black and his mom's not black, but she was darker skinned.
Also, cause my mom, during the summer, gets a
Dark.
Deep golden.
Her skin is quite tanning.
Yeah, that's why I was like, she reminds me of Oprah, and your mom has a very big personality, cause she's like, not that you get a car, you get a car, but like, she was probably like, you know, you're gonna get a talking to, you're gonna get a talking to.
Oh, no, no, no, we didn't get, it was, we're gonna have a family meeting, we're gonna have a family meeting, and then everyone's in trouble! Everyone was in trouble during every family meeting. Family meeting just meant that everyone's getting screamed at.
I've been there too. One time my dad was like, "Get down here right now!" He was in the basement, and I, we went down the stairs, and I slid, I slipped on a... A walnut and did like a, there was a walnut on the floor.
Hold on.
I slept on a walnut like a cartoon.
What fucking cartoon ass world did you grow up in that there was just a walnut, a walnut on your step?
No, it was like on the bottom, like by the basement, like on the floor.
Did you, whoa!
Legitimately went up in the air.
Really?
Home Alone, landed on my back and then he forgot because he laughed so hard and he went upstairs. Swear to God.
Oh, you got lucky.
Because you were gonna get, your dad was gonna let you have it probably.
Probably.
Trying to think who your dad would look like. Your dad had always reminded me of Fred Flintstone.
Yeah, he looks like that.
He, he, he's got like the, like thicker features, a bit, a strong nose.
Fred Flintstone is so funny, but yes. The John Goodman one or the?
No, just the cartoon.
Yeah, the cartoon.
Just the cartoon.
Yeah, that's my dad. My dad is Fred Flintstone.
I'm telling you right now, like the way that like people have like found Shrek sexy, it's only a matter of time before they refine Fred Flintstone.
Fred Flintstone was a cool guy.
Was he? Ah, there's some stuff in those cartoons that are a little, eh.
They had dinosaurs running around.
I mean, it's more of like that time where it's just like, I'm the man, I'm gonna set the rules and you're gonna listen, woman, you know, like that.
He was yelling at her like that?
There was some, yeah, there was some shit. I watched the movie recently and I was like, ooh, some of this doesn't hold up. Hmm.
And you mean the man in prehistoric times wasn't as progressive in 2026?
And who does your, who do your parents look like?
My, my dad got a Johnny Bravo a lot when he was young.
Get the fuck out of here!
He got Johnny Bravo.
Johnny Bravo! Speaking of not holding up, there's one. I would say that the only thing that your dad and Johnny Bravo have in common is they both have worn black t-shirts.
If your dad ever in his life looked like Johnny Bravo, I will shove, I will shove this up my butt.
Minus the blonde hair, minus the blonde hair.
So minus the thing that makes him Johnny Bravo?
Yeah. Oh mama. Look at that.
Also, this guy, big creep.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Big!
Oh, yeah. Bad, bad, bad, bad.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that one is not held up as well.
That one has probably held up the worst.
Trying to think of any, any other like cart- like, or like fictional characters that our family could resemble. We, we joked around and called Keith Harry Potter when we were younger.
Yeah, he looked like Harry Potter.
That's an easy one. Edna Flintstone.
No, no, no.
Who the fuck is this?
Who does Edna look like?
Oh, oh, oh, before you go anywhere!
Go back to Edna.
Who's this? Who's this smoke?
She was a, she was like one of the, uh...
No, she wasn't. Was it his sister or his mom?
I don't know, actually.
Cause Fred's Flintstones-
She looks like Fred, I'll tell you that.
Yeah, it must be his sister or mom.
Mother.
Yeah. Fred's wife was Wilma. And then there was Barney and Betty.
And Bam Bam.
Bam Bam was Barney and Betty's son.
My mom gets this a lot.
Edna Mode, yeah. I don't see it.
Your mom looks like that?
I don't see it.
She used to have a bob, so we called her that.
Ah.
And she wore glasses.
I don't see it, um...
I don't see it either. But I'm also not... Yo, my, I'm not kidding, I think my shin is sweating. That's bad. Yeah.
You're alright.
Also, I, uh, y- your mom reminds me of my high school Italian teacher. I don't know the reference. Well, I'm just saying, like, when I saw your mom- Well, she was a teacher. She, she like reminded me of her and I was like, "Oh, is that..."
I've only met your mom twice-
Imagine.
And I, I can't, I, I can't like pinpoint who she reminds me of. But she, it's like one of those things where it's like, it's on the tip of your tongue-
She looks like people.
She does look like someone famous, but I can't, for the life of me-
-iron out exactly who it is. And that's not a bad thing.
Oh, no, no. I mean, I, I asked my Italian teacher to prom-
I don't want fucking Johnny Bravo to beat me up.
You asked your Italian teacher to prom? Yeah.
I asked her to prom, yeah. How'd that go? Uh, I didn't go with her. Doesn't mean she said no. She had just gotten married, although I don't think that's why she said no.
But she was like, "No." And I was like joking, I mean, I was joking. But if she would've said, "Yeah," I'd be like, "Oh, well, now I gotta figure out, yeah." There's not really a chance that could've- No, no, no. Also fired.
I mean, also-
She said no.
I think that she may have been at the prom, though.
I mean, yeah, they used to do that where the teachers would go and they would chaperone and just make sure no, you know, nothing crazy would happen. I had a teacher once come up and separate me and a girl from dancing.
One time, I had this girl, this girl, this is the first time I ever heard this term, but I was dating this girl and her grandfather died. And I felt really bad, but she lived all the way in Jersey, so I asked my mom, like, "Can I take the car and go visit her?" And whatever, and it was kinda late at night.
I think I remember who this is.
And she was like, she was like, "No." And I'm like, "Why? Her grandfather just died. Like, I just wanna like go there and like kinda comfort her." She's like, "No, I know what this is about. This is hanky-panky."
That's what she said to me, bro. I mean, be honest, Joey.
It wasn't.
Be honest.
Sure, grandpa died!
Have you not seen Wedding Crashers?
It's a movie!
I mean, some people live by that shit.
No, she was very upset.
You were going, be honest, if, if, alright, so...
Let's play this out. You're you, I'm the girl.
Okay? And you're coming to see me because my grandfather died, okay?
Hey, sorry that your grandpa died.
Do you wanna like fuck right now?
You're, can...
End scene. That's not how it would go.
Uh, uh, so, alright, if this girl, if you had driven there-
Not the point, the point is-
You might not be, Joey, Joey-
And my mom's like, "No, you're making up a dead relative. You wanna go there and snack."
Alright, your mom is wrong, your mom is wrong-
For, for, for not believing you, correct. But, if Hank, if, if your panky was gonna get hankied-
Would you have denied it?
So your mom was right. Wrong. You might not have been going with the purpose of hanky
Hanking your hanky, but you definitely were welcoming a hanky-ing.
Those are different things.
I don't think so.
I was saying that I was going there to be comforting and she was like, no.
You should have said to your mom, you should have said, no.
No, what I said was, what the fuck is that?
You cursing your mom?
I probably didn't say fuck.
Sally Field.
I actually was mad at her that night because I was like, why are you assuming that I'm lying and I'm trying to just like?
That's fair.
It like, whatever, but, uh, hanky panky. I truly had no idea what she meant by that.
I don't think, I don't think there's something to call sex that would turn me off more.
Than hanky panky.
How about you come over a little bit and we have a little bit of hanky panky? I'd be like, bro.
I'd be like, you need to grow up a little bit. How old are you? I would be like concerned. Like, let me check your birth certificate.
Yeah, I was like 20 at the time, I think.
Oh, it's not Patreon. I wanted, I was, the first thing in my head was like, should we look up different like terms for?
I mean, it's not Patreon, but I already.
Oh, like a, like a midnight rumble.
Yeah, something like that.
Backseat, like backdoor blast.
And which one was the worst?
While you look it up, I heard one calling it, um, bashing guts.
Oh, that's too.
That's, that's, that's disgusting.
Too like visceral. Yeah. What are we doing? You know what? I'm gonna do some, I'm gonna do. Before we get into these, I do, we do have some sponsors. The first one being Squarespace. Okay? Squarespace is gonna be the website where you build your website. If you have a econ business or you make content or anything like that, a website is very important. It is the one stop shop. It is the first impression where people are gonna come and check. Check out and see if you're legit or not. So if you have a bad looking website, maybe it'll be turned off by that. And you know, that's not good. But Squarespace makes it very easy for you to build a professional looking website in a short amount of time because they have templates. That you can choose from, a bunch of different one pages of templates. And you could find the right fit for you that fits your content or your needs, whatever you need.
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Also, what the fuck website is this?
I don't know. I was just trying to find a bunch. This is the one that lists them all.
There's a door. That looks like a good door.
Okay. So we have them broken up into classics, one word, food related, and then just the random weird ones that happen sometimes.
Just go to the random ones.
Oh, right.
We got, uh...
Well, hold on. The food related ones are pretty... What are those?
Oh, yeah. What's that?
Can you zoom in? Can you zoom in on the page?
Baking the potato?
Some of us are older than others.
Baking the potato, buttering a biscuit.
I've heard that.
I've heard that one.
Buttering a biscuit, I've heard. Putting the bread in the oven, but that's like a pregnancy one.
Yeah, it's a bun in the oven.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's still, like, insinuated.
Getting one's kettle mended?
Who is this? Jon Snow's getting railed?
It's like, oh, listen up. Oh, hey, you need your kettle mended.
That's fucking David Beckham.
Uh, horizontal refreshment? Don't like that at all.
Why? Wait, refreshment?
Bam bam in the ham. Taking that.
Taking that with me.
That's a really good one.
What do you say? We slip into the bedroom? Bam bam in the ham.
Bam bam in the ham.
Ham, I, I, I'm pretty sure is in reference to a vagina.
A vagina.
Um.
Isn't fresh ham, like give them the fresh ham, isn't that a butt?
Ham?
Is it? I'm gonna give you a ham?
Like when someone's, uh, give them the fresh ham, it's like they pants them, right?
Oh, I've never heard of that one.
Like butt?
Never heard of that one.
How'd you grow up?
Was there, who was a ham in a movie? What movie was that?
Sandlot.
Toy Story, oh.
Hey, I mean, that's, that's the, yes, that is.
The Great Hambino. Planting the parsnip.
Yeah, hey.
Also taking that.
I like, I like that one a lot.
Yeah. Feel free to use that one.
You don't like it?
I mean, parsnips are not, like, I don't wanna,
parsnips are pretty big.
Are they?
Parnips are a larger carrot. Whatever.
All right. Sending out for sushi, disgusting.
That one, tossing a hot dog down the hallway. That one I heard is like,
It's a diss.
It's a diss at some one.
It's like, you got such a cavernous vagina.
Yeah, so it's like tossing a hot dog down a hallway.
Yeah, so that one seems mean.
Having your corn ground?
Excuse me? That's a butt one, for sure.
Who's the corn?
The butts.
Corn is butt?
Yeah, you've, I've always heard corn is like a butt thing.
Like I'm, he's corning.
Huh?
Oh, God, it sounds so gross. You, I, you, please, I'm not the only one that have heard, that has heard that before.
A corning? This one, groping for trout in a peculiar river. And, wha- what planet would that mean sex?
I don't know if any of the food-related ones that I've heard so far, like, if, if any of them were used, it would be a conversation like, we're not going to do what you wanna do? We are gonna talk about why you use that phraseology.
You ever see the videos of them trying to catch fish, like catfish in the river, they shove their hand in the hole and then just?
Yeah, that's called noodling.
I like that. Speaking of noodle, bringing an al dente noodle to the spaghetti house.
I guess the vagina is the spaghetti house.
Which I love spaghetti.
And you love a house.
I lo- so I'm not opposed to that one.
Me neither.
Also, al dente noodles are the best way to cook them. I would say that an al dente wiener is, if I were to be into wieners, would not be the way that you would want one.
How would you want one?
I imagine that wieners are considered best when they are fully erect.
Oh, raw.
So it would be an undercooked.
Or just raw.
Or just, yeah, an uncooked wiener.
It's fair. Doing squat thrusts in the cucumber patch.
That one's kind of...
That is quite the visual.
Also, wait, squat thrust? Isn't that like the air squats? What's a squat thrust?
It's like a...
Oh, so like you go down? Oh, a hump. Okay, I gotcha.
And now for the what the fuck version, we have bedroom rodeo. I think that's like...
I think that's a fair one, yeah. Basket making.
Doesn't make any sense to me at all.
I don't know, I mean...
Basket making.
Yeah, I can't imagine, also, what would, why, you're not making anything there.
Outside of maybe a child.
Doing the devil's dance?
I can guarantee you that was said at like some like hardcore church down south.
My CCD teacher probably said that to me.
Yeah, yeah.
You're doing the devil's dance?
Hot yoga is a, you need to be careful with that one because...
It's an exercise class.
Yeah, because if someone were to, if Becca were to ask me, "You wanna do some hot yoga?", I'd say, "Fucking hell, no."
But if she meant, if she meant engage in sex, I would say yes.
If she, if she, you know, yeah, if she said that but she really meant groping for trout in a peculiar river, then you'd be like, yeah.
It's just too long.
Yeah, it's too crazy.
Also, why parallel parking?
Parallel parking, I guess because you're both parallel.
You go forward and back?
I don't, I-
You've made it more confusing.
Yeah, I don't, I, I, I don't particularly enjoy parallel parking.
Rolling in the hay? I like that one.
I've heard that one before.
Hey, we're gonna go roll in the hay. Although, having sex in hay sounds miserable.
That sounds like a farmer thing. Like, that's a, that's a, "Oh, we met in the hay house and we roll, we had a roll in the hay."
I mean, I would-
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If I lived on a barn, I would definitely like get in the barn and go crazy sometimes.
Brother, hay is sharp.
It is sharp.
Sharp!
That's gonna fucking, ooh, that might end up in places you might not want it to be.
Wedding the willy?
I don't like that one. Matrimonial polka.
Um, maybe if I hated sex, I would like that one.
Ah, polka.
Bumping uglies, I've heard. We've heard that one, yeah. That one's a good one. Chesterfield rugby? What the fuck is that? Chesterfield rugby?
That just, that sounds-
Who's calling it this?
Dancing the goat's jig.
That sounds like doing the devil's dance.
That's pretty much the same.
Because goats, aren't they like symbolism?
A black goat, yeah.
For the devil?
Yeah, for like, uh, for that stuff. Two-person push-ups?
How to-
Going heels to Jesus. That's fucking hysterical.
Heels to Jesus. Jesus is up, get those heels on.
I've heard, have you ever heard of one that, that you haven't seen on here? I've heard of, uh, wearing ankles as earrings.
Um, no, but that sounds like going to heels to Jesus.
Putting the wand in the Chamber of Secrets?
Love that one, honestly. Oh, no, I mean, I hate that one.
You ever go to-
This one just says, "Seeing a man about a dog."
What the fuck is that?
This has gotta be people that like, they're just like, "Oh, what are you, what are you doing tonight? Um, just going to see A Man About a Dog."
I mean, can you imagine someone said that in the context of like?
I'm sure that has been, I'm, like, I could see that one honestly more than Chesterfield Rugby.
Like, we're out and you're like, leaving a place, I'm like, "You're gonna go see A Man About a Dog?"
Yeah, I could see that being one for like, you know, I could see that being one, for sure.
And then lastly here, we have taking Old One Eye to the optometrist.
Old One Eye in reference.
To the wiener.
To, penis.
Cause it has one opening, most of them, but...
I got jumping bones once.
Jumping bones, I've heard, knocking boots, I've heard, oh, Hanky Panky's up there!
Hanky Panky sucks, uh, tapping ass.
Bro, clapping cheeks is so funny.
Clapping cheeks, that's one that I've, uh, heard a lot.
Love that, so funny.
Amorous Congress, why the fuck is that in classics?
You literally could convince me that is a branch of government.
Yes, jumping bones, I've heard, knocking boots, I've heard, funny business, but see, funny business was not just sex, it was just like, everything of, like, it was anything.
It was horsing around.
It was anything, like, you know, "You and your friend, what are you guys doing down there? No funny business."
Yeah, did they mean something?
I mean, mate, you know, now that you say that, maybe your parents thought we were hooking up.
No, Frank, they did not.
So then, why would they say it?
Cause it probably doesn't mean that.
I'm using your logic against you.
I'm not.
There's no logic.
I'm not, um, wait, I actually just remembered something that I wanted to talk about.
Love?
Love when Joe remembers something.
I feel like, uh, it's gonna take a while, though, I feel like...
We can wait, we can wait here in silence.
What do you need, what do you need?
No, no, no, no, no, I mean, like, I wanna do it, but I think it's gonna be a funny conversation because it's such a frank thing and I just remembered it.
Brother, we got, we got time?
We got time? No, I know, I know, I know, I'm just debating whether to wait until after the, the ads and then to do it.
Just do the ads early. You go-
Yeah!
That was a good idea from me.
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All right, I'm sweating. But I wanted to bring this up because I'm like, I saw this TikTok and I'm like, this is the most frank thing in the world. But I, I, hold on, I saved the TikTok, so I have to just find, I have to pull that up because the original one is, is also hilarious. But it was a girl talking about when she was in junior high. These, these are some things that she did. Are you fanning your weener?
No, under my shirt.
Oh, so this girl posted a TikTok and it says, things I did in junior high to get attention. And then the first one, she said that she put her Fitbit on her ankle so that people would think she had a ankle monitor. And I'm like, yo, that's hilarious. So I was laughing at the video already, then I went to the comments. Some of these are so good. Some of these are so good.
I don't, I've never had a Fitbit. I cannot imagine I would have done it.
No, but like these things in general, like are like, so.
I like how it started by Frankie would love this.
No, like, like.
No, because I know what he's, I know what he's referencing. Like I, I was in middle school, like one of those kids that's like, my uncle worked for Nintendo, like.
But he gases it up to a point where it was like, great.
No, but some of these are so funny, so I screenshot some of them and it says, this one says, I wore colored contacts and would tell people my eye, my eye color would change with my mood.
Damn, that's, oh my god, you remember mood rings?
Do I!
They were big when we were in middle school. Wait, you had one?
No, well, I would, if I would put someone's on, and I'd be like, "Oh, it's red," because...
You're in love.
Yeah, or something, I don't know.
Or horny?
I don't know what red would mean.
I remember, like, my, like, middle school girlfriend had one, and I would, like, look at that shit.
I have a, I'm sorry, I have a question.
The colored contacts. When I was in high school, I was, uh, I walked up to, this guy walked up to me, he was talking to me, I'm like, "Yo dude, your eyes are so blue." Like, random compliment, the first time talking to this guy. Turns out he had fake contacts the entire time. When do you tell somebody?
Immediately. I think it's an immediate, I think it's an immediate thing. I think if you wear contacts that change the color of your eyes as an adult, that's a little crazy.
It was in high school, but like, how do you not tell me, like, right there when I'm complimenting?
If I had no plan to talk to you ever again in my life, I would let you think it.
Turns out he was...
Oh, okay, that's fair. Like, I'm not gonna, I would tell someone that I'm gonna have to see again, but I'm not gonna tell, like, a random person, I'd be like, "Ugh."
He was dating one of my pretty good friends, I talked to him a bunch after that.
I will tell you that I, fully in middle school, said this out loud and planned on getting the, like, the, the contacts that, like, made your eyes all white except for the black dot.
Like Ray Mysterio?
Exactly.
Exactly why I wanted it.
I used to want those too.
Cause he'd come out and, you know, just like, you know, looked sick, and I'd be like, "Yo, that would be cool to have."
Or the other ones, like Limp Bizkit, where it turned it all black.
Oh, the guitarist or bassist for Limp Bizkit?
Yeah. Speaking of limp, this one says, "I would limp around for no reason, maybe someone would ask if I'm okay."
I'm sure I did, I don't think I did though.
I would, I definitely, if I had an excuse to limp, I would take it.
If there was an ace bandage in my house, I was wearing it, and it was, "Oh, oh, my god, it hurt catching a touchdown for the championship."
You know what I mean? Like, one of the, like, "Oh, well, my elbow hurts, cause I had to walk off Grand Slam to win the World Series." "Oh, and we won money."
Did that ever work?
I'm sure it did.
Um, you get attention.
Got it, got it.
You know what I mean?
There's no end goal.
Oh, I thought the goal was like, I kiss someone's butt or something.
No, cuz that would be way too far.
I just wanted attention.
Yeah, whoever would think that far?
Definitely why you're doing it, huh?
I wasn't always like, oh my god, I'm so hurt, I'm trying to get some ass right now. I just wanted some pity.
But the pity would be, you're so cute, I could take care of you and kiss you and
touch your butt.
Uh, I mean, I thought of it more as like, not that I'm hurt, but like, I'm fine.
Well, that's the thing, is like, you would prove like, oh, I'm just-
I'm tough, I've been through things.
I'm tough. Like, I've brought this up before, but I remember years ago, I found, like, remember how you could save logs of, like, conversations on AIM? I found one where I was talking to a girl and I was just like, you know, like, telling you I like you is the scariest thing, and I'm not scared of anything. I've been bungee jumping and stared a rabid raccoon in the face.
Yeah, sucks.
You wrote that?
Oh. Yeah, dude. And that's just what we remember.
That's, yeah, yeah. Yeah, correct.
This one says, "I never did anything outward, but alone, I'd act like my crush could see me through hidden cameras in my house. I also act like Backstreet Boys called me up on stage for my favorite song to dance with them."
Oh, I would do the whole, like, laying down in the shower thing. I would like, I was doing, like, waking up, like, huh!
Or like, you know, like, I was in, like, the Burn music video.
Yeah, and you're like kicking the water, like, usher-
Just kicking the water, and, you know.
Have you ever pretended like your crush could see you through hidden cameras in your house?
Ooh, that's a good one. No, I don't think so.
That's a good one.
That is a good one.
I'll, I'll like, if I throw something and it goes into the trash man, I'll toss like a to nothing.
A what?
Oh, like, oh, you saw that?
Yeah, yeah, like-
I, I mean, I, I was never a big, like, Kobe Bryant fan, but like, I would hit Kobe, you know, on anything. Like, I'd just be like, ooh, Kobe.
Oh my god, did you see the video of the little kid going, "I'm not Kobe, I'm Steph Curry"?
God, it was adorable. Loved it.
People do-
Times are changing.
People probably do the Kobe thing and don't even realize where it came from.
Probably, some people. This one says, "I wrote about myself on the bathroom wall, then cried about finding it." That's amazing.
It's like Sarah's a slut. It's like, who the fuck said that?
I got accused of that.
Of what?
Of like, something like that.
Of writing something about someone else or writing about yourself?
No, no, writing something about me. I was in, I was in college and in like the school newspaper, someone wrote, Frankie Alvarez, you're so cute, XOXO, your secret admirer. And my buddy Sly sent, sent it to me and he was like, "Yo, this is you." I was like, "I swear to God, it's not." He's like, "I'm not gonna believe it's not you."
So someone was flirting with you via the school paper?
Yeah, that's how old we are, dude.
Good lord, dude.
They put it in like the like, what was the place on the, like the newspaper back in the day where it would post like, you'd like, that's how you'd find jobs?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like the movies that were coming out that week, the movie times?
That used to be a thing on Craigslist. It would be missed connections. And it was like, I saw a girl on the,
Whatever. Me and Greg, when we first started OPL, we were trying to reach out to people and we would, we would go through missed connections. And sometimes you read some crazy shit. Like someone being like, "You were in line at Starbucks and you farted." And like, "You said, 'Excuse me,' but I like, I wanna see you again."
I love the smell of your farts.
Like legitimately, that was one of them.
Like, who knows if they're actually like legit and real, but...
I mean, but here's why I would think that they are. Because they're posting that anonymously and they get nothing from it being...
Like, they get no attention. You know what I mean? Like, it's not like it's like Joe Santagato wrote this.
Yeah, this is a good one. "I went on vacation to Disney World and met a girl at the pool and told her my name was Dragon."
That's fire, dude. That is so sick.
"Told her my name was Dragon." I think, I didn't really go on many vacations when I was younger, but that feels like an easy one. Like, if I was on vacation, I'd probably lie about everything.
I went on a vacation and I lied about my age, my job, all that.
Your jo- wasn't, weren't you on a vacation when you, when you were lying about sleep talking?
Yeah. Yes, I was. Yes, I-
Why? So what if I like her?
Yeah, yeah, it's exactly-
Such a good story.
Don't cover your face with your face. Um, I was, uh, it was around middle school time. I went to see my family. I have family in sunny Jacksonville, Florida.
And my cousin took me to a party and there was a girl there that, you know, was cute. I thought she was cute. And I told her I was a nineteen-year-old actor that drove a, uh, an Escalade from New York City.
Frank.
You drove an Escalade from New York to Jacksonville, Florida. That would cost thousands of dollars.
But here's the thing, that's the funniest part. My idea of immense success at 15 was being a 19-year-old actor driving an Escalade.
It's amazing. How old were you, actually?
I must have been 15, 14.
That's great.
Around that, around that time.
This is a good one, too. I said, "I had to ask FM." Do you remember that? Like, you remember form spring?
Yes, where you can just ask questions.
Anonymously.
People would ask you questions, you just answer them. So I had to ask FM and posted a link to my Tumblr, Facebook, Instagram, so people could ask me questions anonymously. I would ask myself questions about my crush and low-key cyberbully myself and answer them defending myself with witty comebacks.
You know what?
That's amazing.
I feel like that's something that probably happens a lot still.
Hundred, first of all, I had a form spring and of course I was asking myself questions.
Oh, really?
Yeah, about like my crush. So that she would see it.
Ah, you sneaky little bitch. See, and then he, I'm glad you admit that because if you were to ask, that would have been me. But no, I would have been the one that wrote a letter and been like, "It's, it's facts." This is a tear because I was crying thinking about how beautiful you are.
Right, yeah.
I was diabolical in middle school in other ways.
I would definitely haven't cyberbullied myself and like had witty comebacks to a cyberbully.
I don't think I cyberbullied myself, but like, like, people do that with like burner accounts and shit like that.
I, I, I do not have the time or the care to have a burner account.
Bro, the, the form spring days were, it's crazy.
There was another one that was on my colli-, oh, uh.
Also, I would, I would be in other girls' form springs asking mad questions.
Yik Yak. You remember?
Oh, yes.
That was like a college campus one. They had it on my, at my campus. And it would just be like, "Oh, uh, RA Frank is so hot." And I'd be like, "Who the fuck?"
And you would do it?
No, no, no, no. But I'd try to like figure it out. I'd be like, "Ha, ha, who are you?"
Oh, under a burner?
Ha, ha, ha, right? We should meet up.
Ha, ha, let's meet up and talk about how hot he is.
Who is this?
At the dining hall.
That is, that is some pure diabolical shit.
I've done that though, where I've gone to like other girls as like Ask FM's or whatever and I'd be like, "Do you have a crush on someone in your class?" Or something like that.
I mean, I was notorious in middle school for being like, you know, not seeing the girl and not, not talking to her, getting the screen name, talking to her online, and then it's like, "Let's play 21 questions."
You know, and it's like, "Question one, what's your favorite color?" "Question two, uh, what, what is your, uh, what's your favorite song?" "Question three, how far have you gone?"
"How far have you gone?" was such a question. Such a ridiculous question, looking back.
You know, or "What do you think about me?" You know, shit like that.
"How do you feel about..." "Greek and Colombian men?"
If you were to say like, "You prefer Greek or Colombian or..."
Criminals, who would you say?
Criminals.
Yeah. But yeah, there was, there was so many good ones.
I remember in high school, it was like, of, like, to like, try to get people to like you is like, that you partied. Like, I remember in high school just being like, "Yo, we'd get so fucked up."
That was a big one.
It was a big one. Or even in like, the early years of college, where it would be like, "Yeah, you guys party? Not like us. We get so fucked up, dude."
We get, we drink so many beers. Like, someone's gonna see that and just be like, "Ooh."
Yeah, when you thought it was just like, so cool to be drunk, and you're like, you have one drink and you're like, "I'm gonna fucking bust."
Yes, like, honestly, I'm fucking like, already like, this is the most drunk I've ever been.
I'm already feeling it.
Like, that was not attractive in any capacity.
This feels like a frank one. It says, "I used to wake up and tell myself, 'I'm not gonna talk today, just for attention.'" Always fails.
Uh, yes.
I'm not talking. How's that?
There were, there were, I remember, I did this a lot as I was younger and honestly, sometimes I do it now. Like, I just, I go as long as I can in the morning without talking.
Yeah, you said that.
Um, but also, in my middle school, they had, uh, a day where it was like, "Don't speak day." And it was like, it was, you'd sign up for it and it was like a lap, you'd get a laminated card and it was in support of marginalized communities, men and women of color, people in the LGBTQIA+ community, like, "To support them, you opt not to speak today." And my school was like, my, my, like, the school, MacLaurie, it was like, super progressive. And they, like, really honored it. So I would sign up for it every year, so I'd have one day where I didn't have to do any work. I was just, I'd be like...
Oh, so they would just be like, "You don't have to talk."
Yeah. You didn't have to do work that day, you didn't have to do group projects, you basically had a free day and you just didn't talk.
That's kinda cool.
The teacher, Frankie comes in with a lanyard and every teacher goes, "Yes, thank God."
No, I wasn't, I wasn't getting in trouble for talking, I was just getting in trouble for existing. I was kind of a badass, honestly. I got in a lot of trouble.
Yeah, I got in a lot of trouble.
I got in a lot of trouble at school.
We had detention, I was there, for sure. Uh, this person said,
"I would trace drawings and pretend I drew them."
That's a pretty good one, too.
That's a good one, yeah.
I would do something like that. I don't think I ever, I can't remember anything that I did like that, but there was a lot of, like, trying to get attention via pity.
I...
Like, if I got a black eye, I'd be thrilled. I'd be so thrilled. Cause I'm like, "Oh my God, I look like a, uh, you know, whatever." And also, I could lie.
Well, that's why, when we were younger, like...
Gone to a fight with eight guys.
We would do, like, those, like, jackass-type stunts. And I was like, "I hope my, like, girlfriend's coming around to see us do this where I get kicked in the balls," cause I'd be so in pain and I...
But I'm okay, you know, like there was like a machismo.
Yeah, there was like a machismo.
Look at me get hurt.
Look at me get hurt, but I'm fucking, I'm good and like.
It's so dumb, what do you think is cool?
It is so dumb.
Like when you're young, you're such an idiot.
It's funny because if I had listened to what like the older people said was stupid. Like it, it was stupid.
You know what I mean? Like it was not like it was like, no, actually that was pretty sick.
Also, do you remember how fucking much you thought that a brand new pair of sneakers would make you just infinitely faster?
Well, that was like, like Mike did a whole number on us as, as kids.
Kind of later, I feel.
Like Mike came out, I think in like 2003?
2004, maybe? Look it up.
I remember, uh, I remember there was this kid on my, my blog, this kid Omar, and he was like, I could definitely beat you in a race. And I had just gotten a new pair of shoes. And I remember saying to him, like, in these shoes, no shot.
Yeah, like I remember vividly being like, not in these shoes.
I mean, I think, I think though, like that has been proven, like certain shoes are made for running. So they're lighter, they're bouncier. Like they are going to help you.
I'm wearing basketball sneakers. It's not like running sneakers.
Yeah, but like, there is a difference. 2002. Wow. So we were not 10 years old when it came out.
Fifth grade? Wow.
Uh, actually it was fourth grade. Going into fifth grade.
Um, we were like, like I remember to play kick, whenever we were playing kickball, I would specifically wear my boots, my Timberland boots. Cause I convinced myself that kicking a kickball with Timberland boots made it go farther.
I mean, maybe they're heavy.
I feel like the logic's there.
I mean, I know, but as a 10 year old, or a 12 year old, it shouldn't have been there.
It's better than flip flops. Break a toe.
Did you ever do any of that stuff?
I was trying to think this entire time. I'm sure I did. Nothing really comes to mind.
Did you guys have like screen names? You were big on that or no?
I think they were just after AIM was like popular.
Was AIM only popular for that long?
AIM, I remember it dying down around 2009. So you were what? Like 11 at that point? 12?
Did you have BBM?
I, I had a Sidekick slide, so probably.
Well, that's, that's not.
But I'm talking about like Blackberries. Like the phone.
No? That was like the biggest thing. What about Nextel's? That was even older, probably.
Yeah, and Nextel's was 100% older.
I had like Samsung phones. Before the iPhones were cool, kinda.
Oh my god, Samsung's.
I had, we had AIM, and then we had, I had Nextel's. I remember Sprint, because Sprint bought out Nextel, so like, they incorporated that into their phones.
I never had a phone that did that. I was furious with my parents.
The reason that the Nextel was cool is because you would press up on the volume button, and it would play your ringtone.
And I made my own ringtones, and it was just the full song.
So I would just sit there and play the song that I wanted to play.
Everyone would do that. They would just play the song, "Yep, in my white tee, yep."
And then also the talk, it was like a walkie-talkie. You could just hit your friends like, "Bloop", and then you'd say anything.
I think it was "Bleep, bleep."
And then your phone would just play someone's voice.
That's dangerous.
Yeah, that happened to me in school, like, once or twice, and they'd be like, "Yo, what's up, penis licker?", and I'd be like, "I'm sorry, Mr. A", you know?
Damn, that's such a stupid feature now that I'm thinking about it. Like, I could literally just hit you at any point.
Well, I think it would go, I think at a certain point, it would go off, like, a call is incoming. It was called PTT, Push to Talk.
And it would say, "PTT Frank", because you had to have a separate number for PTT.
So like, I, I would need like your PTT number in order to do that.
But you can't stop me from talking, right?
I think, I, ah, fuck, I can't really remember now, but I think they put it in so like, it would be like, incoming PTT, and you'd have to answer it.
Do you remember people used to like customize their shit? Like, my sister had a case that like lit up.
Yeah, dude. Bro, they had like see-through red ones.
I remember the one that they had, that I had, it was the first one that had a camera on it. You'd hit a button, and it fucking, this shit flew open, and it could have knocked someone's teeth out. The I570, look it up.
The Nextel I570?
No, my god, this guy. You gotta type Nextel, N-E-X-T-E-L.
Hell yeah, now we're talking.
These things look insane. That's what it was. It was that. It was like a giant phone.
Dude, these phones were so fucking cool.
Remember the, uh, Razr?
Yeah. I saw, there was a bunch I remember. There was the, um, the, uh, the chocolate. You remember the chocolate?
Was that the brown one?
It came in red and white. I think there was a brown color. They had the, the chocolate, the juke. Remember the juke?
The juke looked like an MP3 player and it slid open.
Okay. I had like a pretty cool phone. My first phone was like, all of my phones were first my sister's.
Yeah, they were always Shannon's and then she would give them to me. Like, my phone number is her old phone number.
This was the, this was the later versions.
This is what I had.
This was the later version. The first one, the Sidekick 1 and the Sidekick 2 were like iconic, dude.
Yeah, those were so cool.
There was one that looked like this and you do, you click it like this and it goes
Yeah, that was the, that was the Sidekick.
Then there was the Google phone. The phone and the screen would open like this.
Oh, I also had this one.
That's the, is that the Google phone?
It's the Sidekick slide.
Oh, that shit is ass.
Dude, phones used to be fucking cool, dude. God, see, why do you bring up nostalgia? Now, now phones are all just the same. They're just the same and they don't look cool anymore. It's just a screen in your pocket. Let me touch a button and this thing does a fucking gain or in order to open.
It's, have you held a BlackBerry recently?
No, but I had the BlackBerry Storm.
Bro, the, a BlackBerry, I like picked one up in a store once, like recently. How we were able to type on that is beyond me.
Well, we had little baby fingers, that's why.
I mean, just, adults had them.
I'm getting, I'll be honest, I'm getting to the age where I'm not able to type on my iPhone anymore.
Like, my, my fingers are too big for buttons and I'm pressing like the wrong button or two buttons at once.
Frankie, you're like 34. Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, who cares?
But like, what are you talking about?
You're not old.
What are you talking about?
I'm, I'm getting there. And I'm 33.
Do you think that when you get older, your fingers blow up? Like, what are you talking about?
I mean, as keyboards stay the same size, our fingers and dexterity becomes bigger and worse. Bro, put, put, is that true?
Frankie had 33 types like if you had your hands in the snow for a while.
Yeah, like, I honestly do, like, I'm not really good at it. Um.
That's a different thing.
Sometimes I type like this. Like, I'll put my phone down, like, if I'm texting you.
No, you won't.
I swear to God.
You put your phone down and type, go ahead.
I'll be like this, so I'll, I'll pull you up.
Send Joe a full text.
Okay, what do you want the text to say?
Uh, hi, Joe, good morning, I'm Frank.
You do this? Yeah.
And see, my fingers are too big, I just put.
Well, it's because you're typing like a.
I, I do that sometimes. But it's just because like this is like, I'm just like, my finger, if I'm going for F and G, like.
Yo, what are you typing?
What are you typing over there, buddy?
What the fuck was that about? It's because they're right next to each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We don't know what he was typing. Uh, what the fuck? A missing letter on, on his hat.
Uh, stop that.
Hey.
It's hot, it's getting hot in here, huh?
Hotter now, I bet. It's gonna be hot in hell.
You ever see that episode of Sunny? Where they're doing the, the, the time's up episode? Where they're in the, the, the, the hotel? And then they do like, time's up, and they're just like, oh, it's getting, it's getting hot in here. Um, damn.
Now, now I know Frankie's taking a while, text me back, it's because he, he, he can't even.
He just can't.
Can't even pick up his phone.
I've got nowhere to put my phone down to type to you. Look, what other, like, uh, I had the Nokia brick was my first.
Yeah, that was mine first, too. Do you remember my, my, um, the, my keyboard, like, ripped off? So if I had to text people, I had to, or if I had to type a phone, like, a phone number, I had to use a stick from the ground to poke my number.
These are cool phones, dude.
Indemnally.
Because, you know what made it cool is that it looked like a phone?
Does that, does that make any sense?
Nope.
Ha, alright.
I, one time for Christmas, I was like, oh, I asked for a, a phone for Christmas, and
I was like looking for my presents? And I went looking and I found two of those phones. And then I was like, let's fucking go. They're for Keith and Shannon, I didn't get a phone.
Wow!
I was tired. I was tight.
Only reason I got a phone was for 7th grade because I was gonna be taking the train to and from school.
So, my parents were like, "If you're gonna take the train, you need a phone just in case," and smart.
I don't know that I had a phone.
I think you got one in 8th grade, if I can remember correctly.
Maybe, yeah. I think I got one just when, like, when the majority of people had one, it's when I got one.
But you grew up, like, your first phone was probably a smartphone.
Does Miles have a phone?
Yeah. Yeah, see, he does.
Like, an iPhone?
Unlimited?
His dad pays for that one.
No, no.
I meant, like, unlimited access?
Uh, no, so, uh, he only is allowed to use it for texting and calls.
And when he's home, uh, he doesn't use it.
That's so funny.
Uh...
But, yeah, I guess, I don't know. What other phones were cool? Also, did you ever have anything that had parental lock on it? My parents never did that.
I, uh, not only did I not have that, I had where, like, anything I did on my phone, I was worried they were gonna see it. Like, you remember the anxiety of accidentally opening the internet and it was like, the rumor was like, every time you open the internet, it's 30 bucks?
You don't remember that?
No, but I have let it rip on the, on the, uh, on the internet and cellphone before and got in mad trouble.
I, I got in trouble because, remember, this is before wifi was, like, super available.
So, like, you were using the internet on your phone, brother, it was expensive.
Had to be quick.
And I, I got in trouble once because there was a website called 3G for Free, and it was ringtones. So, like, I would download, like, 12 ringtones, but the amount of time and data that it took, I got fucking barked at, dude.
More than once, when I was in high school, the bill, I, I put it up to, like, 300 bucks.
Yeah, my dad, parents were so mad at me.
I did it more than once.
My dad, uh, shut off me and my sisters because one month, we both had a $300 bill and, and... In 2005, paying $800...
Insane.
I mean, now, paying $800 for cellular service is crazy, but, like...
Then, it was even crazier.
That was when you had to, and I know we've spoken about this before, and, like, we sound like boomers, but, like... It mattered who your mobile carrier was. You had to like, so if you had Sprint, I had Sprint. I waited until after 6pm to call you.
That was the reason to have Sprint, because it was free calls after 6. Other carriers, it was 9. So like, if you had Singular, it was like 9pm, you had to wait to call someone.
You know what I thought about the other day that I'm like, yo, this is kinda wild? When the, before caller ID, that was in our life.
Bro, I remember the first time-
That's insane.
I remember the, I remember my family getting the caller ID. It was a separate-
-machine.
Oh my god.
That you had to hook up, like, in between the, the, the phone cable and your phone, and it went in the middle.
And like, I would be like, "Who's calling?" And it'd say like, "San Diego."
And I'd be like, "Oh, fuck Joey. Oh, fuck."
Yeah. But dude, that's so crazy. I was thinking about that. I'm like, yo, in my lifetime, there were so many things that like, happened. Like, gay people couldn't get married, there was no caller ID. One of those issues is bigger than the other.
And also, the, the, the, the universal rights for gay people to get married was like, 12 years ago?
That's like-
Not long, bro.
That's not long, dude, that's-
So funny.
That's like, a blink of an eye.
That was yesterday, basically.
Yeah. What a crazy time. Well-
Caller ID, text messaging, the gays can get married.
What a world.
What a world we're living in here.
Weed is legal.
That's another one, honestly, that's, that's pretty, like, I remember thinking, like, that'll never happen.
I don't know if I ever really thought about it, but-
Once it hit medicinal, it was all about time.
Yeah. You were like, 10. What the fuck do you know?
Sorry, I'm hot.
I think I was right.
Let's get outta here before we start sweating a little bit more. Uh, thank you guys so much for watching. Don't forget to subscribe. You can, uh, what am I saying right now?
You can, no, don't forget to subscribe.
Subscribe, yeah, do that. Like and subscribe, mash that like button.
Smash it, kick it.
Smash the bell. Take that little bell and fucking ring it.
Well, you guys, you go follow the show at The Basement Yard on TikTok and Instagram. Frank?
You know it.
And Prisco.
Yeah, all right, damn buddy. You guys go follow me at Joe Saini, go follow the show on TikTok, as I said that already, but it's time to see you guys next time.
Bye, everybody.
Page updated October 29, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated