The Basement Yard
Original podcast
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Welcome back to the basement.
Welcome back to the basement yard. Frank, what are you doing, smoldering, smizing over there? I'm trying to, uh, clavicular looks max, jaw max. Oh no. Oh, you're doing it too? Oh, that would... Did you guys have a conversation before this? No, honestly, but I really appreciate you kind of picking up on my vibe here. I got you. That was a good job. Fuck your Mets hat, but good job.
Now you brought down my vibe.
Wow, who cares?
You know, you didn't smell as good as you usually do today. How about that?
Well, you didn't. Does he usually smell good?
He does.
Well, how's his fucking back smell? That's a for Patreon. That's a Patreon, so they only know that one. How do you smell me on the normal, like... You walked by him. Yeah. So you get my, like... Wait. With? Let me ask you this, do you wear cologne at all? No. Never? Not only for, like, events. Okay, but when you... So you have cologne? Yes, I have cologne. And you wear it? Yes. How do you apply it? I go two sprays on these two fingers. I go like this, and I go behind my ears. That's it? Yeah, that's what you're supposed to do. I've seen so many other things that are... I've never seen sprayed on your fingers. I remember... I heard you're never supposed to rub it. Oh, I... I mean, but then why do, like, the women do this? Why do women, why do ladies do this?
If they are not supposed to... I follow the ladies' lead, ladies. But you're not doing that, you're using fingers. But it's still the rubbing motion. Right, why'd you... Are you just using the fingers, or someone taught you how to do that? I... I remember, because with my fraternity, there was like a, like... We, like, went through, like, etiquette, like, proper etiquette things, and... What? Yeah, it was like, you're not supposed to, like, walk into a room and people go, "Off!" When smelling your cologne, it's supposed to be for people that get close.
Yeah.
It's supposed to be like a pheromone thing, like they get close and they're like, whoa. Which I guess the only person I would do that for is Becca, but like, it's, it's supposed to be like a, not everyone can smell you from across the room.
Right.
You know, like my father, I'm not kidding. Thirty sprays.
You're good at making that sound.
Thank you.
How do you apply it? Do you apply?
Um, cross-section, just one.
You go in X?
You put the seatbelt on? Why are you doing it? You're doing it like a Pokemon trainer.
You just do one seatbelt spray?
One, two, three.
Oh, you go one, two, three?
I used to, I remember when like, middle school and high school when I had, I would spray in the air and I would just walk through like I was God.
I've done that. With like X, I would just spray my entire room and be like, alright.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I, I like, thought about this the other day because how I usually do it is I just spray like, here and here. And then sometimes like, in my shirt. That was just like, pure guess though.
Yeah, I, I mean, I'm sure there are proper ways to do it. Oh, you did?
I did, so like.
Please tell me I'm right.
No one does this. I've never, and I've seen like, a bunch of people do it like, a bunch of different ways. No one's doing this, but they say, I've seen two behind the ears.
And then, one on the back of the neck, because that's like a trail.
Yep.
So as you walk, it kind of like.
Oh, like you're a slug.
Oh, sure.
Like you're a slug.
But this, but instead of slug, you have scent.
Gotcha.
Instead of.
Instead of slime, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Slime is a word.
Gush, dude.
Slime is the word I wanted to use.
Ew, gush!
Yeah, it's a nasty word, dude.
That's gross!
Oh my god, I got so much gush.
That's crazy. I used to, at one point, I had like, fifteen bottles of cologne. Like, there were like, two Christmases where my mom got me like, three or four bottles each.
It's mad Colombian.
Uh, I mean, what were the ones that you had?
Cologne?
Yeah, cuz they were like, for our age group, they were the big ones.
I had, uh, well, I didn't have any, but my, my siblings had, um, like, Fierce from Abercrombie and Fitch.
Okay, I didn't have that one, but I know what you're talking about.
Curve?
Curve, yep.
Curve was a big one?
Curve was a big one. Do you remember Kira?
No.
It was like, the skater one, and you got it from like, look up Kira cologne, K-I-R-R-A, from like, the mid 2000s. It was like, at PacSun.
Oh, yeah.
And it was like, you went in there to make fun of the skaters and get your Kira cologne. Yeah, you don't remember this?
Oh, yeah, baby. I might get some, just to remember what I smelled like in middle school.
Oh, wait, the top looks very familiar.
What else? What other ones did you have? The, the Curve one is a classic.
Ahmed wears, uh, the Dior ones.
Savage. Yo.
You brought it up. Dracar Noir, I had that, Curve.
I've, I've had this one for quite some time.
You've had Versace? Who the fuck are you?
It's a hundred and forty dollars.
I didn't know that.
Oh, brother, that's nothing. That's nothing. There is some, there's some other ones that will get up there.
Really?
Yeah, like...
I bought one. I have, uh, what's that shit called? Fuck. It's like, La Labo or some shit?
Oh, I don't know.
I don't know, I like the smell, it smells good.
But yo, Ahmed, like, uses cologne.
Yeah, he goes after it.
He goes at, we'll go, like, when we were on tour, we would go to a city and he would buy a bottle and it would be halfway done by the end of the trip. A three-day trip, by the way.
Do you guys deodorant your balls?
Who's up? Who's down? What?
Wait, you take your deodorant and you go...
Well, it's a different deodorant, and only sometimes.
Do you do the one that's like, the plastic ball and it's a roller?
Cuz it's like, then you hold it up and it's like, you like, Microsoft Paint under your balls?
That sounds better, I might try that.
That does sound pretty cool, right?
Wait, you have a full, separate deodorant stick, and you do like, your Goochin balls?
Sometimes.
I, why? I feel like that's probably-
Does it absolutely smell like dog whistle?
No, but it, but it'll never, no, but it'll never smell bad.
I mean, my, I'll, I'll be honest, sometimes my banch smells like it got dragged by horse through human shit.
Good god, lady.
I, I mean, that's, that's, it's a very, uh, yum, uh, uh, hot, moist, tightly compact part of the human body.
It's going to, you know, breed bacteria, which is what feeds on your sweat, which is what causes the odor.
I feel like I'm getting piggybacked onto that. That does not happen to me.
Well, with your giant balls, you gotta fucking look through them and fucking, you gotta, how much you go, you go through a stick every time you apply?
Do you do, what do you do? How do you do it? Like, how would you do that logistically?
Like, you just open up and you just get in there?
Open up.
Open up what?
What, you mean lift?
Do you go from the front or you go back door?
The front.
So you like, you like, get in the stirrups, hold your nuts and dick up, and then like?
Sure, it's, it's like, it's much simpler than that, but yeah.
We're trying to get, like, explain it.
I open it up and I get, just get in there.
Stop saying "open it up" with odor.
Yeah, brother, nothing is closed, so nothing requires.
Pull it open?
Like my pants.
Bro.
Uh, my underwear.
Oh wait, so you don't do it naked? You do it clothed?
Yeah. Actually, yeah.
You're talking through and realizing it's stupid, right?
No, no, no, I think it still makes sense.
So you get fully dressed and you go, "Oh, forgot my ball cologne."
Or my ball deodorant.
Yeah, my ball deodorant.
And then you undo your pants?
And then what? You jam the stick in there?
Pretty much.
And then you go under the balls?
Under, yeah.
Is it the same stick that you use on your underarms?
No, different stick.
I'm saying, is it the same, like, make and model and stuff like that?
Oh, yeah, same, same thing. I don't care.
Uh, that's crazy. I mean, I'm sure they make ball deodorant.
They do, I think, well, we're not sponsored, but some people do, yeah, for sure.
Smart man.
I got you.
I've never heard of that ever. I've never done that.
I mean, you, you were big on Axe. I'm sure you, like, sprayed your bazaar. Sprayed my bazaar? Are you kidding me? It would, I, I would, it would look like when you walk into a space station and they have to like,
Yeah, you would spray the hell out of that.
My pants would be smoking when I would leave my room.
What is it that, when you're young, because I feel like I was, like, doing that too. What was I thinking? That people were gonna get near my penis? I'm fucking 12.
You had to be prepared for any outcome of life.
Bro, if a girl wanted to get near my penis at 12, I'd be scared to go home and cry.
Yes, but like, some of us weren't afraid.
Oh, talk to me.
Mac Daddy Pimp You Heifer.
I'm not saying that was Mac Daddy Pimp.
You're Mac Daddy Pimp You Heifer Playboy Bunny.
I'm not saying that.
Oh, I needed my balls to smell good because I was ready for the action.
I was ready for whatever curveballs life had thrown at me. I was walking out of the house that day, they'd be like, you know what? This could be the day that fucking 2004 Carmen Electra comes up to me and she's just like, hunka, hunka.
You know what? I agree.
I would agree, you ball deodorant wearing bastard.
I just think that preparation for life is not anticipation of something. It is just simply preparation.
I vigorous vigorously whooped my ass a little bit.
Big word for Elmo.
I'm gonna come over there and cut your head off.
Yeah. By the way, it's Cookie Monster today. Or Grover. He's full Grovered out.
Elmo the other day.
Hey. Talk like Grover.
I don't even know who that is.
Welcome back to the basement yard.
Who's Grover?
No, nevermind.
I know Grover Cleveland. You know him?
No, I don't know him.
He's the president.
I know who he was. I didn't know.
Yeah. Oh, that's him?
That's Grover, baby.
Super Grover. But, uh, continue.
You kinda got his build, too.
All right, no, we're not doing this. We're not doing that.
If you wanna play a game.
We're not doing that.
If you guys wanna play the game.
Don't, don't.
We will start playing the game, brother. Kubcho. That's for my Pokemon fans.
Fucking loser. No, I, I, I feel like.
Yeah, baby. That's Joey.
What about that as me?
That's you. That's you. The color. Really, just the color.
It's actually kinda cute.
What is that? A fucking bear? It's got a severe cold?
Yes, it's an ice bear and then it evolves into Obama Snow. Show him that bitch. Bottom right picture.
Obama?
Obama Snow.
Like abominable? Abom-?
Yeah, cool.
Abominable.
I feel like cologne is no longer as popular as it was when, like, definitely before our generation and, and it's continued to die.
I think that it's popular. Like, a lot of people wear cologne. I've seen, like, TikToks of people that are like fragrance TikTokers and they have hundreds on a wall behind them.
That kid that's just like, let me smell this. And he smells it, he's like, oh!
I'm getting goo- good and great and spice.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay? Good for him.
Yeah, you know what I used to love to do? Uh, when my mom would get a magazine, I would, uh, they have like the, uh, sample tabs and you'd rip them off and I'd be like, I'd be sniffing the shit out of those.
Hell yeah, hell yeah.
I'd rub it on my face. What's wrong with me?
Have you, well, plenty. Have you seen those TikToks that are like people trying the different atomizers on colognes?
Yes.
Dude.
It's like, look how good this one sprays.
There's one that it sprays like, it's, it feels like just looking at it, it's scratching my back. Does that make any sense?
Zero.
Are you sure?
What do you mean?
Like, just like looking at the speed, ferocity and, and just intensity that it sprays, it's like, oh, that could scratch my back. And it feels like it's like, oh, yeah.
Okay. I have a different appreciation for that. I do like when things are like spraying really well. Like when I have a spray bottle, I'm like, oosh, oosh. Like when you spray like a Windex, it's kind of like, it's, it's, and you're like, okay, this is whatever. But sometimes you get a good spray.
Oh, when it like-
Like I have like an all purpose cleaner. It's like, oosh, oosh. And it's like, oh my God, I can clean my whole apartment.
I lo- and then I love when it like, for like one spray, it sounds like an 80 year old smoker. It's like, oosh, oosh, argh.
You know what I'm talking about?
It's like, grrr.
Yeah, like, oh my, oh yeah, that's the one. It looks like that would scratch my back so fucking good.
Wait, is there a bunch of these? Alright, let's see this one. That was, that's in a ridiculous amount though.
That's impressive.
I don't mind that. I don't mind that.
That might be the one that I have, to be honest. Super.
Ooh, that's a good one.
That's a good spray.
That's a good one.
That's a good spray. Show us something nice now.
Okay.
It stays in the air for a while.
I, I appreciate it.
It does. Oh, that's like a shotgun.
That's like a shotgun blast in the back of the neck.
Dude. Oh, I hate that.
Ooh.
That's a hundred out of 10? What do you think? Oh, actually I like it now.
No. I don't like that bottle either.
It's like it's spitting in your face. Poof! Oh my god! When I see this thing dribble at the end, I'm gonna be mad. Yeah, it's disgusting. There are other ones that are just little-
That is a giant spray.
That's so good, dude. I feel like that much cologne would really, you would, that was all you would need for the year. You wouldn't, yeah, I was gonna say- It's insane. You don't need eight streams coming at you like a hydro pump. Yeah. That's my th- my second Pokemon reference of the day. I'm sure there's gonna be more than that if you said that. Yeah, absolutely will. Um, but, ah, let's, let's get back, let's get some vintage Axe Kilo Body Spray. You think we can do that? I don't, I, I never, I, I barely liked it back then. Oh, man. I would spray, you know what I would do also? I would spray it into my shoes. That was, I think- Yeah, but I'd fill my shoes. I mean, that was probably a very normal thing to do, because our feet probably stunk. Do you know, have you ever smelled a moth ball? I love that smell.
I kinda like it too. I love, cuz we used to, at the end of the summer, put them in the, uh, at the cabin. And we would- What are they supposed to do? Keep away moths? Bingo.
But people put them in their shoes. Maybe for the smell. Yeah, yeah. They also smell like that thing that they, like, swing around at church. Incense? You know what I'm talking about? The fucking, like, the, like, lantern mace that they got going on there, but they're like- I fucking love that. Like, incense in church, best part of the church. Uh, ye- The st- and the smell of the church. Yeah, yeah, I, I was, I was there. Um, yeah, I, I love the smell of moth balls. My dad used to have moth balls in his shoes.
When you sprayed your shoes with Axe, did you spray it so much where it looked like there was a little fog in the shoes?
Yeah, yeah, of co- I mean, that's the whole reason I was doing it. That's the way to do it, dude. I would hold it up to the light and be like, oh, look how fast I- Is Axe spot- Like, I know- It's smoking cuz I ran so fast. Like, I know, like, they have, like, Axe Body Wash, uh, and I think deodorant. Is, is body spray still a thing? I'm sure. If it once was, it probably is.
The ones that had that twist can?
Whether it be the twist can, or just like the regular like-
I'm sure, I'm sure.
I mean, is the deodorant, that was, there was deodorant and body spray? Like, is that was different?
Yeah, of course, deodorant. Body spray was just for fragrance. Deodorant is supposed to be like antiperspirant, or, or, you know, deodor-
-ant.
You know, anti odor.
Yeah. Um, yeah, no, I've never, I've never really partaken too much.
Do you have any like funny or interesting cologne stories from like anytime you applied it or anything like that?
No, not really. I mean, I definitely, the first time I did it, um, I had a bottle that didn't have a spray. It was like you're supposed to just like kinda dab it.
Oh.
And I went a little overboard by accident.
Yeah, I, I've, I've done that before.
And my hand was just stinking.
I mean, my dad, you've definitely smelled it. It's-
Smelled your dad?
I mean, I've smelled your dad.
Yeah. He had this cologne, I forgot, uh, what's the, a gray flannel.
It was called gray flannel?
Yeah. And he, the mixture of that smell, cause he would put a lot on him, and the combination of his hair gel, this guy smelled like a fucking nuclear power plant.
Like, it was impossible to not smell him coming and going all the time.
What about, um, are you a fan of car air fresheners?
Uh, I, I mean, I like air fresheners. I like good air. But I don't like the smell of new car. I, that's, that, that, that smell gets me sick, honestly.
Yeah, I don't like it.
I might, I think it's a hot take, I think.
I don't like, I don't-
I mean, it's not a take, I'm not saying it's bad, I'm just saying I don't like it.
I don't love car air fresheners. Like, I know, like, everyone loves the black ice one.
But see, that doesn't make sense. Because like, you like air, like, you like air smelling good.
No, I'd rather air just be like, neutral. I don't want it to smell bad, but I don't need it to smell like a thing. Like, eucalyptus smells good, but I don't want my apartment or my world to smell like eucalyptus.
Oh, like eucalyptus and mint? That combination could bend me over and just-
Spitting it?
If it wants to.
Yeah, in a steam room, maybe, but like if you're in your apartment, your whole apartment smells like that, I'd be like, this is so intense.
That's it. That's so interesting that you say that because I feel like, first of all, once you're in it, your body gets used to it and it doesn't smell like that unless you were like walk out and walk back in.
I feel like you can always feel eucalyptus, like in your sinuses.
Uh.
Like mint, like it smells like that.
Mint is sharp. Mint burns the sinuses a hundred percent.
Yeah, it does. It'll get ya.
Do you know the, the square ones, the gel ones that people attach to their?
Yeah, the Febreze ones.
Those I hate.
Why?
Cause I, after, if you're driving too long, after a while, the smell like, it starts to hurt almost, if that makes sense.
I don't like them because of how quick they go, if that makes any sense.
Uh huh.
Like, I want like, give me an air freshener that lasts months. Like those ones that you put in like the air vent, I put them on the lowest setting and they're still gone in two weeks.
I also just don't think that looks nice.
Are you a big aesthetic guy?
Not really, like, you know, but I just, when I get into someone's car, I would rather it not smell like anything. Like, that would be like my ideal.
Yeah, but that's not the experience that most people have. Like, a car, if you think about it, it's a confined space that doesn't have a lot of airflow unless you're driving with the windows down all the time.
I mean, I would assume, I would, I would say that most of my car experience is pretty neutral. Like, it's rare that I get in a car and I'm like, what the fu- but there's other times I'll get in a car and I will clearly smell the freshener and I'm like, alright.
Yeah, I'm just not, I don't know why.
That's, that is a strange, like, and so you don't do like air fresheners at the, at the apartment? Like, you don't do like spray or?
Um, if, if,
well, when we clean, there's like that smell from like sprays or stuff like that.
Yeah, I'm not saying that. I'm saying like-
I'm more of like a candle person. Like, I'll, I'll light a candle.
I mean, but that, that does the exact same thing in just a different way.
I, I agree. I just think that they're different because the, the sprays and stuff are, like, have more of a, it's, it's more of a hurt. It's more of like a sharpness.
It's more of like- Like it's, the scent is attacking you compared to just like lingering like a candle?
Yeah, I also, if there's a candle on in my apartment and I walk in, like obviously if you're in the apartment, you don't really smell it because you're like kind of adjusting to it being in the air. But when I first walk into my apartment and I smell a candle, I don't really enjoy that. Like I will enjoy it when I start to adjust to it and it's not as intense. But when I first walk in, it's like, I smell Christmas cookie, like this is crazy. But food however, that.
I'm very into it. Well, I think because you know that you can control the scent in the air through the candle compared to the food. Like the food is a little more temporary, like you have to like cook it again in order to get that scent back.
I think I just like the smell of food.
Yeah, duh. I mean, I like smells across the board.
Farts?
Okay, gotcha. But I hate farts as an entity, so I hate what comes with them, which is the shitty smell.
As an entity.
Right after, so like on garbage day where we're cleaning, right after I put out the garbage, I'll open up my front door and my back door at the same time, create a wind vortex, get all the smell out and then I'll clean.
Bro, I came home one day, thank you fucking so much for bringing that up. I came home one day and it was not long ago, the dead of winter, it's like maybe 20 degrees outside. And the back door is open.
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And several windows are open and I go to Beck, I'm like, what are you doing?
She's like, oh, I'm burping the house. I'm like, what?
You probably hated that terminology.
Dude, I fucking, I was like.
Disgusted by your own home now?
I mean, I hate the word burp. It is a shitty word.
Burping is worse than burp.
But I was just like, I was like, what? And she's like, I saw a thing that like, there's stale air in your house and you need to burp it in order to get fucking. And you know, every time she said burp, I cringed.
And I was just like.
I love that TikTok could really send her down a path.
Yeah, she went fully down. Like, that's not the first time that's happened. I love her to death, but she is like, very susceptible to those like TikTok trends. But like, yeah, she was like, I saw a TikTok and they said you have to burp your house once every couple of weeks.
That is a real thing, though. Not, not that you have to burp your house. I've never heard that term, but like.
I mean, if you have a working ventilation system, doesn't that do that?
I, I don't know. I mean, if you have like, um, what's that called?
Central?
Central air?
Hmm.
I don't, I think that's like more of like an AC unit that's kind of distributed. It's not necessarily like bringing air from the outside. I'm sure there is air like.
I mean, I think, I think that is exactly what it does. Like, cause when you have central air, which we have now, there's a big vent on the outside with a fan.
But that's where the air's coming in.
Yeah, so it's fresh air coming in.
When it's on.
Yeah, but what you think your house just doesn't breathe?
No, it does, but it's like.
Like, you're just like.
I mean, in the winter, everything's kind of like closed.
No, dude, there's also other ways, like, do you have everything sealed? I, I don't.
No, I mean, I'm sure there's like some seepage.
But you gotta, if you want to like, reset, like, let's get some fresh air in this bitch.
He hated seepage. It's just tough. You don't like seepage? So I've accidentally been burping my house?
I think that's the thing. I, I mean, I, I do like, like Becca will do that during the spring and the summer where she'll open the front and the back door and you get a vortex and it's a beautiful.
Sometimes if I'm not careful, my paper towels will fall over.
Oh, we didn't.
Thanks for adding that. Who cares?
Why do we need that?
Sure like that happens though, like all the doors in my apartment when one of the windows open slam.
Does that happen to you?
Yes, that happened.
One window could be open, I step outside, bang, I'm like.
Yo, and it'll scare the fuck out of me.
I'm thinking fucking Nicole slamming doors. I'm like, what?
Windows open, she goes to the bathroom, it slams, I'm like, what now?
Yeah, I think that one of the kids like fucking closed the door on their hand or some shit like that.
Yeah, it's terrifying.
Yeah, but I, I get what she was trying to do, but I think that like in her calling it burping, I was just like, I'm not, I'm not allowing this.
So I was like, shut the doors.
I'm not burping anything anymore.
Steal air. Apparently it is a thing like with like really, really big, like expensive houses, they get like pressurized.
Like a plane?
Yeah, like if they have like, uh, cause we know our contractor, we were talking with, like I like joked with him about it. And he's like, there are some like multi-million dollar estates that like, they have such a well-functioning like uh, air, like ventilation system and like all their windows are like super new and sealed and high-end and like the doors, blah, blah, blah. That like, that's a real thing. That like, it, there will be a sense of pressure. So like, that's why like sometimes you'll like open a door and it'll go like
like a, like a Coke can.
That is crazy.
Yeah, but, I mean.
Burping it is stupid.
Yeah. So I was just like, you wanna go in the back of the house and pat the fucking back of the house?
Up.
God.
No, um, also you mentioned plane. I was like wondering this for you guys, but I'm gonna create a hypothetical situation for you. If you are in a city, you're not home.
Just wanna be, we are flying in a couple of days, so please be very cognizant of that anxiety.
It's not that.
Um, so let's just say that we're in like Denver, which is like what, four hours away? Let's just call it whatever is exactly four hours away. And then you're on the plane on the way home. And they come on a thing and they're like, we need someone to get off, we're offering this much, what's your cutoff? And there's nothing that you need to be home for.
Cut off like minimum?
No, like, yeah, like what is an amount that you're like, I'm getting off this plane, taking that money. And you get on a later flight like that day. And I'll say this, the flight that you're gonna get on is like five hours from where, like now.
So you, there's a five hour wait?
And then it's the, the normal like, like, uh, duration of the flight. It's not like, it's like a connecting flight.
No, no, no. It's a, it's a direct flight.
It's the same flight, just five hours later.
Five hours later.
Ant?
Question. What was I doing in Denver?
See, come on, man.
Why does that matter?
Because I'm planning that I would take half of what my trip was.
I, it's up to you. I don't know.
How much was the flight? Cause that's a big part of it too. Like, is it gonna be more expensive than what I, is it gonna be more money than what I paid for the flight? Like, am I walking out?
I mean, you're paying for the flight regardless.
Yeah, but if I pay, say the round trip hypothetically.
Not that this happens much anymore, but say the round trip is like 500 bucks.
And they're saying, we'll offer you 600 bucks. I'm in the greens there. So like, if anything, like I've made money on the trip.
So let's, let's say it was, let's say it was 500 bucks.
Hmm. I think I'd do 1.5 times. I'd be fine with 750.
And you would get off and be like, I'll wait.
Yeah. If I have no reason to get home, if there's, and, and I'm just getting, and I'm gonna be walking away up. I think 1.5 times whatever you paid for it is fine at five hours. You start adding more time on there.
Then we're talking more money.
You never take the first offer.
It's not the first offer. It's like they continue to offer.
I gave what I thought was a reasonable amount.
Like, there's like an amount that they'll say and you're like, fuck that, I'm taking that.
I like the math. I like 1.5 times the flight.
I'd think a flat thousand.
A flat thou-?
A thou-wow?
Yeah, thou-wow.
So you're, so you're telling me that if your trip is over, if the flight is over a thousand dollars and they offer you a thousand, you're good with that?
I see, cause then the math goes away.
Pro- profit a thousand.
Profit a thousand is crazy.
There's almost no way, yeah, there's no way. If you're going to like Japan where it's like a twelve hundred dollar ticket, they're not gonna be like, we'll offer you twenty-two hundred dollars, brother.
Depends how desperate they are, I guess.
I mean.
I mean, if anything.
They will ground that plane before they give you twenty-two hundred dollars.
I also.
Oh yeah, I'm not planning to get that.
It infuriates me that that happens, because like, I'm sure there's a business reason to it and big airplane will come on here and tell us.
I think it's more about weight. Like, when the, when.
But why do they, why? They should book one person per seat.
No, what I'm talking about, it's about weight of like, uh, cargo. Like, if, if all of our luggage is just more than whatever. Cause, you know, you could pay, like, when you, when you go, especially on a bigger flight where you, uh, by the way, this is based in nothing.
Uh. Just like ninety percent of what we talk about on this show.
When you bring your luggage and it's like, it has to be like, under a certain amount. I think you pay a fee if it's above that. So if enough people are doing that and it's like, oh, well, it's a full flight and the luggage, like, the plane is too heavy, plus the fuel, like, we just need some people off.
So you're telling me that, like, the reason that you pay an extra fifty dollars if it's over fifty pounds luggage is because, in theory, enough people will do that to justify pulling one person off that plane?
I think it's to avoid, like, the reason why you pay a fee there is so you avoid people just bringing like, hundreds of pounds of luggage.
Yeah, but then, but in, but also, in theory, if five people bring a hundred, fifty extra pounds, it comes out to two hundred and fifty extra pounds.
The amount that it would cost could be the amount that a ticket would be.
Sure, I'm, maybe that's part of it too. I mean, like, there has to be a limit. But, I think it's between that and they also overbook flights. I don't know how that's possible.
I, I hate, the, I, I'm, knock on wood, that has yet to happen to me.
To be overbooked?
To be overbooked, where it's just like, oh, sorry. It's like, mm-mm. Well, I, I booked. Like, I will go full Karen in that situation.
Well, I don't think they kick you off the plane.
You, they ask people to get off.
Yeah, but that's someone else, it over, they overbooked, so someone else that also booked is fucked.
Yeah, like, that happened to me and Danny.
What happened?
They overbooked and we just didn't have seats. Like, we got there, we didn't have seats on the plane.
Well, if you, if you do that, so if you book, there's like different, um...
Classes?
Classes, I guess. But like, yeah, it's like main and then main plus, or I don't know, some shit like that, where it's like, one of them is a little cheaper and you don't have a seat until you show up to the gate. So that's the risk that you run.
Yeah, well, I'm never making that mistake again.
Uh, that's never happened to me and I've flown like, uh, main cabin or standard, whatever, whatever it is.
They offered us money, though.
But you, but you have a seat. You've booked and like got to the...
But why, can I, but why does that happen where like, then they go, "You don't have a seat"?
Because...
Because that does happen. That does happen. Is it like a...
Part of the risk you run. You get a discount.
I think it's prob, I mean, I'm, again, I'm sure someone that works for the fucking FAA is gonna be in the comments, just be like, "Let me tell ya."
It's probably more common knowledge than we think.
It probably has, it probably has to do with like the inherent risk of someone backing out or not showing up. So like...
Probably, yeah.
It's probably like, on average, 1.8 people just don't show up for their flight. So they'll book three extra to like, just take that risk. And it ends up, if anything, making them more money because they're booking it and then they can just throw them on another flight.
Can you look that up? How, why are they over...
Yeah, I am. It's, it's pretty much what you're saying. It's just a practice that started in the 50s and it's just them compensating for people who cancel flights.
It's insane that like, they can't eat one seat. Like, whatever that would cost, like a...
Well, I, I, I do...
Especially then. How much was a ticket in 1950?
Oh my god, look up what a round trip ticket to... Boca Raton, Florida is. Don't ask me why that's where.
Now?
Uh, in, in nineteen fifty.
Or like the average ticket price in nineteen fifty and the average ticket price now, because we know it's ridiculous.
But back then, it was also a different flying experience. It was just like, you could fly for thirty bucks.
A round trip ticket in the fifties from New York to Florida was seventy-five bucks.
Crazy. But also, you're sitting next to someone who's ripping darts, dude.
I'm talking like, you are getting hotboxed with tobacco.
And you're in a suit.
Yeah. Did you see that there was, I don't know if it was an air, I think it was an airport, I think it was the Tampa Airport banned pajamas?
Yo, I'm kinda into that.
What?
I, I think.
I mean, I'm not showing up with the Cookie Monster pajamas and fucking SpongeBob slides.
Well, people are.
That sucks. But like, where are we cutting off pajamas? Like, I show up in basketball shorts and slides sometimes to some flights?
Yeah. I think, I, yeah, I think that's okay. I just don't think like pajama pants and like fuzzy slippers is like.
Like you're in pub. I mean, that, that's not even just for the airport. I think anywhere like outside. I mean, I personally wouldn't wear that.
I mean, that was like a meme that was born in our age bracket for people in high school. Like, everyone remembers the kids that would show up. It was mostly girls that would show up to high school in the SpongeBob pajamas and, you know.
Yeah. I, I have a clarification here.
Of what?
For the price ticket of the fifties.
It's equivalent to a thousand to twelve hundred today. It was technically more expensive than, uh, back then. Forty percent more expensive because of just how difficult it was for planes to fly.
Oh, so inflation. So when they take inflation into account, it was, oh wow, that's pretty interesting.
It was actually more expensive back then because planes weren't as efficient.
Wow.
Ratio was.
Yeah, because people were making less.
There's probably less planes too.
Yeah. Less planes, less flights, you know, I'm sure they were also less technologically advanced.
I, if, uh, let me ask you a serious question.
Mm-hmm.
If someone were to like, do, uh, if we were to get a brand deal with like Delta.
And they were like, we want to fly you somewhere and you make content, but you're flying on our vintage nineteen fifties plane. You doing it?
No shot. I thought you were gonna make it something easy, like get in the cockpit. I'm like, I'm dying to be in a cockpit.
Oh yeah, that would be cool to see a cockpit. I'm waiting for a fucking pilot to recognize us.
Yeah, like give me my wing. Oh, my sister was on a plane, they went to the Bahamas.
And the kids got little wings. I was like, I didn't even know they did that anymore.
I, I got, um, one of the like, air attendants, what are they called?
Flight attendants.
Yeah, that's it. One of the flight attendants recognized me and gave me a bag of candy with like a little like united pin on it. And it's like the united logo and like.
A bag of candy?
Were you with your children?
Solo dolo, baby.
Buy my sissy.
That's nice.
Yeah. But oh man, if a pilot was just like.
You wanna go check out the controls?
Oh my god dude, I love the show. We listen to it when we're flying. First of all, I wouldn't, that actually would make me feel worse.
I mean, they're not even doing anything.
Somehow, it would still make me feel not good. Imagine they're flying the plane and then they just hear my roar and they're just like, fuck!
Well, they're not flying the plane.
I know, it's still scary.
I would like to go in there and just like keep my hands in my pocket and just go, whoa.
I'd get in the seat, put the hat on.
Yeah, hell yeah!
I don't think you could take pictures in there, can you?
Probably not. Didn't someone get in trouble for this?
Charlie Sheen.
I was gonna say, was it Katy Perry?
No, it was Charlie Sheen.
Katy Perry has been randomly getting in trouble for stuff lately, so.
He was like hammered and like high off coke and they let him in the cockpit.
Well, hold on.
The first two parts were probably why he got in trouble.
No, no, he got in trouble becau- well, the pilot got in trouble because they let him, and he, he took, the, so here's the story with Charlie Sheen. Is that he was like high on coke and like drunk or something like that. He was on the plane, they recognized him, and then they let him in the cockpit, and they put him in the seat, and then, they. Took the autopilot off. So now Charlie Sheen is driving the plane and he goes, and I took the wheel and I just went like this. And the plane moved a little bit. And the pilot was like fire. I got in like a lot of trouble for that.
Well, yeah, absolutely. I mean, wasn't there also the story of him on a private jet where he was just like, how much do I have to pay in damages to smoke cigarettes? And they were like $10,000 and he was just ripping cigarettes.
He's like, I'll do it. I'm Charlie Sheen.
I think Tom Segura told that story and crazy. I, I can't, name a celebrity that this is, this is dual ended, double sided.
You know, before you get into the double sided, let's get into the, uh, let's get into something else real quick. Um, we do have a new sponsor for today and you're looking at it. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Angry Orchard. Okay. This is a hard cider. All right. And it's delicious. Um, it's the number one hard cider in the country. Okay. There's two apples in every bottle. All right. Let's keep that in mind. Uh, crisp apple, which is what this one is. Yep. Crisp apple. Um, it's the leading style tastes, uh, just like biting into a fresh apple. You get a sip of this, it's like, mm, there's two apples in here. Um, but yeah, it's amazing. Um, they're available at bars, restaurants, retailers.
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Ohhh, wow! Patreon.com/thebasementyard is the best way to continue to support us. We love and thank every single one of you that made March, one of the most insane months that we've ever had doing this show, and a part of that insanity has been on Patreon. So go over to Patreon.com/thebasementyard today. You sent, you signed up for that first tier, you got exclusive episodes, uh, excuse me, these weekly episodes, haha, I'm a little dirty bitch, these weekly episodes.
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our tech overlord lizard people, and we don't want to do that extra, right? So save yourself some money. Patreon.com/thebasementyard. Thank you, guys, for an incredible month of support. It's been overwhelming. We love you. We thank you. And we'll keep giving you what you want, which apparently is more of us. Back to it. I thought you came up with "Don't Get Angry, Get Angry, Orchard."
I mean, I did.
I thought it was gonna be like that, like Romeo on TikTok moment where it's like, "Dr. Pepper, baby, it's good and nice, da-dee-doo-doo."
I really did try to open that.
Yeah, you really, and you really, I could see the dent from here.
Well, you're supposed to use a bottle opener.
Well, there are people that use their eyes and shit like that, which is crazy.
Yeah, but they're, you know.
Yeah, crazy. Um, I was gonna ask a double-ended question.
Let's imagine everyone has the same exact training. The training is not like they're the best in the world, but they are adequately trained to fly a plane.
Name a person, a celebrity, an athlete, whatever, that you would be the most confident in landing that plane? And then the inverse, the least confident in landing that plane.
You just said we're all have the same training.
Yeah, but I mean, you still have to take into account who the individual is. Like, for instance, I would really trust...
Definitely not you. Are you kidding me? You'd be hammered.
Me?
I could land a plane.
I would really trust... Who would I trust to land this plane?
Matt Damon.
That's a great pick. That's a really good pick.
Didn't he go to Harvard?
Might've. Denzel Washington? That's a good one, too. He landed, he inverted the bird. He landed that plane drunk, didn't he? In that movie?
Tom Hanks?
Tom Hanks, I was, I was thinking Tom Hanks when I was trying to come up with someone new.
Is that a boat or a plane?
No, that was, that was Captain Sully Sullenberger, whatever his name was.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh...
Or maybe I would just choose a pilot. Yeah, but like, I'm, I'm, it's not what the question is. Right. Samuel Jackson dealt with snakes on a plane. He did deal with snakes on a plane. I'm thinking though, like, who is responsible enough to be like, an awesome plane lander?
Like, gives off responsible, too. Davide Diggs. You know who Davide Diggs is?
From Hamilton?
He, he would be, I feel like he would be good at landing a plane.
How did you?
He just looks like he's just got his life together.
Idris Elba.
That's a good one. That's what I'm talking about.
And? I think Bill Burr is a pilot.
Yeah, he flies helicopters, I think.
I would- Better than?
He said we all have the same training.
Oh. Yeah, I'm, it doesn't matter helicopter or plane or anything. Everyone has the same. I would also, I would put Bill Burr on my... I'm a little worried here.
Cause I can see him, like, just being pissed about something, like, he's flying to, like, fucking Buffalo and he's just like, fuck this place!
You know what I mean?
Uh, so who's, who's the least?
Well, Charlie Sheen's up there.
And, and I'm talking 2006 Charlie Sheen. I'm not talking nineteen, you know, 2026.
I put my dad up there, just cause I've been in the car with him a lot, and I know that he likes to do everything except drive.
Yeah? You don't like your dad as a driver?
He's a good driver. We've never been in an accident, or at least I've never been in an accident with him, but he, he does do everything but drive.
Like, he, like, looks for stuff, he talks, he's back here, he's checking for whatever, and I'm like, just, really?
You know what I mean? Yeah.
I would not trust...
Tough one.
I would say either of the Paul brothers.
Why? I don't know.
McGregor?
Well, that's a good answer.
I don't think I trust him.
Conor McGregor, I'm not, no way.
Reasons to not trust him in any capacity. Still a pause.
Exactly.
Uh, oh, I would trust Morgan Freeman a lot.
He's getting up there.
He's getting up there, yeah.
He's getting up there, but he still has it, you know what I mean?
Yeah, but I know, but like, you know, bad turbulence. I wouldn't. I don't even know how old he is. I wouldn't trust like Pacino. No.
No, he's dead.
He.
He's getting there.
Oh, okay.
Oh, yeah, like, he's like dead.
I was like, do you know something I don't?
No, no, no, like, he's, you know.
He's snacking.
Morgan Freeman is eighty-eight.
That's wild.
He was born in nineteen thirty-seven.
That's crazy.
Dude, he's not that much younger than my grandmother.
You know what's crazy I heard recently?
Who's dead?
Dead!
You know?
Yeah, she's gone.
Like, filthy, like, gone.
Filthy's crazy. He, she hasn't seen his last, like, ten movies, though.
Oh, who, Morgan Freeman's?
I think Morgan Freeman has probably done more than ten movies since your grandmother died.
Since twenty-twelve, you think?
Let's pull up the filmography, babe. No one cares that much. Yeah, alright, okay.
When was Bruce Almighty? That's all that matters.
Uh, that was in two thousand and five, I believe.
Uh, so she saw that one.
I mean, everyone saw Bruce Almighty. That was a great movie.
That's true.
Uh, oh, oh, the, what I was trying to say is, I saw like a thing that was just like, Samuel L. Jackson didn't like get his breakout role until he was like in his forties. I'm like, how old is Samuel L. Jackson?
He's old, right?
He's, I mean, he's in his seventies, I believe.
Bro, he also has one of the most impressive filmographies.
Samuel L. Jackson?
Yeah, he does.
I mean, he's like in all the Quentin Tarantino movies, so those alone. Those are good.
Seventy-seven.
Wow. It's a real shame that he's a weird fuck. Oh, he's like doubling down on how weird he is. He's just like a weird fuck, but the movies are good, but he's a weird fuck.
Jackson or Tino?
Tino.
Oh, yeah, he's weird.
Oh, yeah, Samuel L. Jackson. Not only do I not think he's weird, I wouldn't call him weird because he'd come here and beat the brakes off me. He's like a, a good dude. I think he's like a philanthropist also. Yeah, I, I think he was one of the pallbearers at, uh, MLK's, uh, like Martin Luther King Jr.'s funeral. What? I think so. How? Uh, he's seventy-seven, dude. That's insane. That was sixty years ago. Can we fact check any of this?
I'm, I'm, I'm trying. This, this seems like an intense, uh...
Uh, was Samuel L. Jackson, I, eh, eh, maybe I'm mixing him up with somebody else, but I...
He was an usher at...
His funeral.
That's close.
He was, he was an usher at his funeral. So, eh, yeah.
That's still like... That's a, yeah. Shows you how recent all that stuff was. Pull up Samuel L. Jackson's filmography on the screen here. Well, all right, name, I mean, of course, all the Avengers movies. I can go on forever. Oh, wow, yeah. I also, low-key, the Kingsman movies, I liked them. Uh, he was only in the first one. He, you know what movie he was shady in that people forget? Jurassic Park. That's right, he was in Jurassic Park. Yep. Django, Pulp Fiction, oh my god. Django's such a crazy... Unbreakable. I forgot about Unbreakable. Mr. Glass. They call him Mr. Glass. The Kingsman movies. Jackie Brown. Goodfellas. Oh, my god! He had like a brief cameo in Goodfellas. But still, like, look at these movies that he's in.
He was in that.
He was in Die Hard, right?
Die Hard. Well, he was in Die Hard? Not, no, that's Die Hard with a Vengeance. That's not...
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Deep Blue Sea. Wait, he was in Coming to America?
Love Deep Blue Sea, dude.
You love Deep Blue Sea?
So good.
Is so fucking good. Really? But it's so bad, too. Well, that's why, yeah. Isn't like Michael Rapaport, like a scientist in that or something?
LL Cool J's a chef. It's great.
Yeah, remember he saves, he saves his bird? That's right! I remember that shit. Yo, that movie's so sick. Triple X, bro, I loved that movie.
I was like, oh my god, this is me.
I don't, I don't think I ever saw that one.
Kill Bills.
He's Frozone.
He is Frozone. Lot of peo-
He's in Kong Skull Island?
I don't even know if I saw that to be honest.
That was a good one. I like Kong.
SWAT, low-key good movie.
I don't remember that being good. Some of All Fears, that was good.
Um, sorry.
How is he in all of these?
Wait, Some of All Fears, that's not him. That's not, da-da-da-da-da.
He's in the Garfield movie?
The new one, yeah. He plays Garfield's dad. It's like Chris Pratt is Garfield, and his father Samuel L. Jackson.
Damn dude, look how many fucking movies he's done.
Yeah, that's right. He's Mace Windu!
Purple lightsaber! Dude, so sick.
Yeah, no.
Coach Carter, you remember Coach Carter?
Wow!
Dude, what a movie.
That movie is low-key incredible.
I think I saw an interview recently that said that he got mad at the cast because there, there's like a party scene in that movie, and they were actually like drinking and having a party. And he was like upset with them because they weren't taking it serious, which, I get it.
Look at that. The films in which he has appeared have collectively grossed more than 27 billion worldwide.
And he's still not the, in, like, the highest grossing... No, he's not anymore.
Making him the highest grossing actor of all time.
I saw, I saw someone else.
Who?
I'm gonna have you guys guess.
I know who it is.
You know who it is?
It's an actress.
If that, I mean-
It's a tris?
It's a tris. If that narrows it down, but don't say it. Don't say it.
Is she older?
Than Samuel?
Or like around that age?
No?
So she's young?
Fairly young.
Well, fa- fairly young.
Definitely young.
Yeah, yeah. But I'm saying, like, not Zendaya age, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I figured she was like, uh, probably gotta be at least 40 or something like that.
Um... Bro, I don't even-
Think of the biggest movies of all time. Just start naming them. Start naming them.
Scarlett Johansson.
Margot Robbie?
Definitely not.
Yeah, I mean-
I thi- yeah, I thi-
I swung with Barbie there.
The, the answer is gonna blow your mind.
It's like someone I would not expect.
Yes. But like, once you like, are like, oh, oh yeah, like-
Jennifer Lawrence?
Nope. Not as mainstream. Like, I, I mean, that's, that sounds disrespectful. Uma Thurman. No, but you're going on the right track a little bit. Kerry Washington. That's not it. No, but you're also kinda going on the right track. Halle Berry. No, no, no. Fuck.
You know, like Avatar, Marvel.
Oh, is it really Zoe Saldana? Yeah, dude. Yeah. What?
Oh, I guess she's in fucking, what's it called?
She's in the Avengers. Yep. She's in the Avatar movies. I think those alone. Type in Zoe Saldana. She was in, wasn't she in a? She's the highest. What was that road trip movie that she was in? Huh? She was in like a road trip movie with like Britney Spears, wasn't she? What the fuck? Guardians.
Whoa, whoa!
That might not be accurate. This is last. She's officially, right there, right there, right there.
Where?
On the right.
This?
Yes. Yeah, I, I saw reports that she is. This says that she is. Has taken over the worlds with 15.4. Whoa, this, this isn't, what are we doing here? Ooh, I've seen, we're seeing conflicting reports here. Maybe this is a domestic. I thought I saw worldwide.
No, they're, they're even talking about how.
Now stands, uh, he's third.
So whatever, I guess you, that Google AI that you were using, Gemini lied to you. AI is inaccurate all the time!
Um, but yeah, dude, like Zoe Saldana has the Avatar movies. Is it Saldana? Yeah. There's an Enya? There's an Enya, over the N. Um, um. Type in her filmography, I wanna see what she's in.
I mean, hold on, she's in the Guardians movies, the Avengers movies, she's in the Avatar movies.
You ever see The Losers?
I know those.
I think she's in The Losers.
Oh, Emilia Perez. Emilia Perez, she won the Oscar for that. Pirates of the Caribbean, yeah, that's right. Oh, fuck, she was in that too. Star Trek. Maybe that's what you're thinking of? Crossroads, yeah. How the fuck did you think of a 2002 movie that no one knows, Frank? The Losers, okay. I never saw that one, but I know that movie. I don't know most of these movies.
It's a good movie, Losers.
Pretty sure she played Nina Simone in the movie Nina.
Scroll more? Oh, yeah, the Star Trek. Star Trek, but they were not as big as you would have thought. Yeah, this feels like a, like a Avatar cheat. Avatar Marvel. It's Avatar, I mean Avatar, I think is like, it's three movies and it's like six billion dollars. Yeah, it's crazy. And then Marvel is up there, but they have more movies. You know, I've never seen a frame of an Avatar movie. I saw the first one and I vehemently refused to watch any of the others because I, I just didn't get it. I, like, I got it, but I was just like, this isn't what it needs to, like, the hype need is making it. Yeah, yeah. You know? Because it's like, yeah, the biggest movie ever and you're like, eh.
Yeah, like, it felt like, it was, like, I remember the first movie, like, watching, I was like, whoa, this is stunning. Like, it's beautiful. But then, like, there were other parts where I was just like, this is kind of stupid. Is it Pope? It's Pope? Like, they, like, the, the thing that they have to get is called unobtanium, and it's just like, be a little more on the nose. Yeah, let's, let's avoid that. Like, come on, like, use some different words there. That's like we came up with the name of it. Exa- that's like if our children, like, and you cannot obtain this precious mineral. What's it called? It's untatable and it's like uranium. Unobtanium.
So dumb. Are there any other movies that, besides Rage Baiting Me With The Mask, that are like, well-known, great movies that just, for you, you're like, eh?
Um.
Hmm. I have. Ooh, I have one for sure. What? You're gonna hate me for this one. I was like, not, like, I didn't think Interstellar was all that great. I know you love that movie. I, I disagree. I think that Interstellar is a good movie. I think that some people... I'm not saying it's a bad movie. I didn't think... You think it's overrated?
I was just like alright.
See, I feel like Interstellar, the problem with that movie is the same problem with The Wolf of Wall Street. I think they're both great movies, it's just that when the hardos come in and like identify so much with it, it just like ruins it.
Yeah, but.
Cause The Wolf of Wall Street is a great movie, but like the people who are like, and it's like you go to work and this is who you are now, like it's just nerdy.
But if anything, them doing that, it it highlights the message of the film, like, oh, people don't get it.
Yeah, yeah, but that's not, that's not the movie's fault.
I know that's not the movie's fault, but I'm saying like.
The movie gets a bad rep because the people who like the movie are like dweebs.
I mean, I like, I love that movie. I'm not a dweeb. I'm not a dweeb.
No, I know, I'm saying like.
Say I'm not a dweeb.
I'm saying the people who like think that that they are Jordan Belfort.
I am Jordan Belfort now.
And now it's like, you know, it's just corny, but.
But I feel like Interstellar, like every, every like guy on Hinge, like I've seen it on TikTok with girls saying like every guy on Hinge says like Interstellar's his favorite movie. And it's like, alright, now it's becoming like, now it's a little corny, you know, but I like the movie. I think it's good. I can see how you're like, meh. But.
I just felt like, I was, I was like, okay, it's good, but then again, like I'm also a grumpy little bitch where people would be like, oh my god, and I'm just like.
Yeah, I, you know what I kind of felt that way about? Tenet.
I never saw Tenet.
It's good, and I could recognize that it's good, but at the same time, I'm like, there's too much of this going on.
I think a lot of people talk about Tenet, Interstellar, Christopher Nolan, like, that's a movie where he was just like super overindulgent. Like, it was like.
Dude, I blink and I'm like, the fuck is this now?
Yeah, it's like. Well, and now, and now it's backwards and forward, but you're at the front and then ba ba ba ba ba, like. What my understanding of the movie is that a lot of the criticism has just been that it's just too much movie.
Too crazy.
It's too much movie the movie.
You know, that's why I like something simple.
What's a movie that you could watch like all the time? Like you'll throw it on every single time? Or like, what's like your top three funniest movies?
Uh, funniest movies. I'm gonna remove the mask because I feel like that's an easy answer.
You think that's like the funniest movie?
I, I, whether it be because I have rose tinted gliss- gliss- gliss-
Little tinted glasses?
Rose tinted glasses on when I watch it, I do think it's an incredible movie.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall, I can watch that.
That's a good answer.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall is-
I love that movie.
So perfectly funny, like-
I think it is like a perfect movie too.
It is so good, and like, I'll even throw in Superbad, like-
There are parts of it that don't age so well, but like, it is so fucking good.
Um, and then a perfectly funny movie, uh. I mean, okay, also, Just Friends. I think Just Friends is so fucking like-
Christmas movie.
It, it absolutely is a Christmas movie, but like, every part of that movie is funny, like, there are certain parts that are just like a little, but like, Anna Faris is so fucking good in that.
Oh my god, dude, she's so good in that movie! I love Anna Faris.
Uh, what about you? And don't give the three that I gave.
Yeah, yeah, I'm trying to think of like other movies, because you took Superbad and Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but, also a movie that I just think is just incredible, I, I, maybe the funniest movie I've ever seen is Wedding Crashers.
Yeah, Wedding Crashers is up there.
Good answer. It's like, one of the funniest movies-
Movies I've ever seen in my life.
Old school is also very, maybe I'm just a Vince Vaughn fan?
Well, yeah, and also, yeah.
Dodgeball?
Dodgeball's good, yeah.
See, Ben Stiller movies are also very funny to me.
Dude, Tropic Thunder.
Tropic Thunder.
Is so, it is.
Heavyweights, oh my god.
Miles was watching that the other day, and I was just like, "Good on you, Miles."
Yeah, Heavyweights is a funny movie, man.
Dude, fucking Tropic Thunder, and it's such like a thing to talk about now, where it's just like, "Why is that okay? That movie will nip..." And yes, I agree, like, they probably shouldn't make that movie today, but like,
it is so fucking funny. Because it is a commentary on actors, you know what I mean? Like, it's not like, it is at points, but like, it is more about...
Oh, there's certainly some stuff there, for sure.
I know, but I'm saying, like, it is just a commentary on, like, the industry. Like, those, like, hyper-intense, like, Daniel Day-Lewis method actors that, like, I saw one thing, like, a story that, he did a movie where he played a paraplegic, I think, but like, they made him, he like, wouldn't walk on set. He had to be carry or some shit like that.
I heard that, uh, for There Will Be Blood, he like, didn't shower the whole time.
I think that was Gangs of New York.
Oh, maybe that one.
Which, both good movies.
I love Gangs of New York.
Dude, I just watched Marty Supreme. Have you watched it yet?
It's, it's a movie, brother.
What does that mean?
Correct.
I already know it's a movie.
It's...
It's good?
Bro, it's like, it's uncut gems, but like, a little dialed up.
Why did you say that when we were talking about Gangs of New York?
I don't know.
Like, oh, Gangs of New York, that's what, yo.
Well, because Gangs of New York takes place in like, the eighteen hundreds in New York, and, and, uh, Marty Supreme is in like, the fifties.
Oh, okay, okay.
Yeah, Gangs of New York is great. Love that.
Yeah, he's a sloppy fucking mess in that movie.
He's a stinky, like, greasy fucker.
Oh, my god. And, and there will be blood too.
I've never seen it.
Yeah, it's a, it's a...
I gotta watch that.
That's a really, really good movie.
My boy! No, what's that from? Oh, that's from Harry Potter.
Well, that's also from There Will Be Blood.
Um, but I was thinking of...
My son! My boy!
I think the famous one from that is the milkshake part.
Well, yeah. "I drink your milkshake!"
What's going on?
I don't know, like something rang up here.
I hope I'm not having an aneurysm.
What was that?
I don't know. Um, I love talking good movies. Get to the other ads and I'll bring up other movies because I got a movie question to ask you.
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Oh, love that. Uh, so the question I was gonna ask you is, I don't know if you saw, but the prosthetic butt, like prosthetic rhino butt from Ace Ventura When Nature Calls is on auction?
I was gonna say, one of my answers is Ace Ventura 2.
One of the funniest movies you've seen?
I feel like number one is better. He said two.
Two.
Is that, that's the rhino?
When Nature Calls, yeah. I feel like one is better.
One is the football.
Yes. I mean, there's some, there's also some stuff that hasn't aged well in one. It's pretty transphobic.
Is it?
Yeah. You don't remember the whole, like-
It's the big twist of the movie.
It's right there, brother.
I forgot.
Right there. I put it on for Miles one day and he was watching it and like, I forgot that there's like a full-on sex scene in that first movie.
I don't even remember.
It's like him and Courtney Cox, isn't it?
That is Courtney Cox.
Who's that? That's not anyone.
Courtney Cox.
But, um, are there any like movie props that you would just open up the checkbook for? Like if you saw that they were on display, you'd be like, I'll have that.
I don't know, but I just saw a clip of Ed Sheeran saying that he like collects these things. Like he said he just bought Edward Scissorhands' hands.
He has a Dr. Evil suit.
That's cool.
He's got Batman and Robin from Batman and Robin the movie, like their suits.
From, from, okay.
Uh, from the George Clooney one, I think.
I wasn't gonna ask, but I'm glad you specified.
I think.
I mean, the ruby slippers, that's like an easy one, but like that's on the, I think that's on display at the Smithsonian or something like that in DC.
Maybe.
Oh, give me the golden snitch.
Oof, that's a good answer.
You know what I'm talking about? Just like the little fucking.
Oh, I want the, the, what's that shit called?
The wand that they're all after.
The elder wand?
The elder wand.
The elder wand? The elder wand wasn't as cool. I'd like, I'd like Voldemort's wand.
That was the elder wand?
No, well, technically, he never owned it because he wasn't the one that had disarmed.
That was the one he was using, though.
He was using it, but it was breaking in his hand because he had not technically been the owner.
So when you say Voldemort's wand, which one are you referring to?
The one that has the hook on the end that he holds like a fucking, like a whore. You know what I'm talking about? It has like the hook on the end. Yeah. That's what I'm talking about.
Oh, it looks like a cane.
That shit is cool as hell.
You could have that for 10 bucks.
And there's only two left if you want one.
I mean, yeah, I'm completely okay.
Oh, it's Halloween. It's for Halloween.
Also, I would want, didn't, like, expensive.
Oh, bother, bother!
Do you remember that TikTok I showed you? Where it's like, uh, fucking like Kiss, Marry, Kill or whatever that.
And it's just like, oh!
Just a little pause with them.
La la la.
Uh, but any others that you could think of?
The Ghostbusters pack would be pretty good.
Proton pack?
Proton pack.
Where are you on Ghostbusters?
Uh, I've, I've only seen the first one a few times and it's fine.
I was a big fan of the second one.
I'm like, I like Bill Murray, like especially like back then, like watching the movies that he was in then. I think that he's like funny.
Okay. Uh, ooh, I know one that would scratch both itches you have.
I didn't even know I had one.
Yeah, I was gonna say.
Let alone two.
The T-Rex. Like, or I'm not even gonna go that big, cuz that would be way too expensive. The, the cane with the mosquito amber in it from Jurassic Park.
Oh, that's cool, yeah.
That would be cool, cuz it's like you're getting a fossil and you're getting a movie prom.
But it's not real. I'd rather get a mosquito.
Like a real mosquito amber?
Are we allowed to own those?
Yeah, I don't see why not. I don't, I think the science in that movie has been very debunked.
Like, I don't think you can drill into a fucking sixty-five million year old mosquito and get any DNA out of it.
That's fair.
Do they have, can you actually buy like mosquitoes in amber?
I have no idea.
Can you just buy amber? That would be really cool.
What's amber?
Amber is like solidified like, uh, like tree sap from like ancient times. That would be cool. Like you can buy like petrified wood, I know that.
What is that?
You don't, you don't know petrified wood?
Not really.
It's like ancient wood that has been burnt and like charred basically and it becomes almost like glass-like.
Never heard of that?
Like glass-like see-through?
No, but like, the, like, it's kind of a similar like hardness and like texture to it.
I really, yeah, no, I don't know.
I might be fucking this up.
When I think of petrified, I think back to Harry Potter.
Yes, I mean, you can, you could buy petrified, you know, moaning myrtle if you really want.
Yeah, um, ooh, having Harry Potter stuff would be cool.
I mean, you can just go to Universal and get them.
No, no, no, like the actual.
Oh, like you want like the real shit?
You don't want any of the fake shit?
I mean dude, if I was an actor, you're like Daniel Radcliffe and you're doing Harry Potter, I'm taking mad shit.
Yeah, I mean, they probably would get in trouble.
Nah, bro, I'm Daniel Radcliffe, I own this shit.
Technically, you don't.
I mean, I-
Sue me!
They will.
Alright.
And guess who will win? The major motion picture studio that is going to, yeah dude. Yeah!
You're not gonna take me down, bro, I made you all this money. Chill.
I don't think that's how that works.
I think so. I think you have some bargaining chip.
I mean, maybe some.
Just like a few things. I'm not saying take the, take, you know, whatever.
Old Lord's nose off his face. I would want the actual owl that uses headwig.
Like, then you get an owl and you get a fucking cool thing from a movie. I would get the Nimbus. Oh, Nimbus 2000? Do you? Or the Firebolt, that one was cool. Yeah, that was cool. Cooler name. I mean, I'm a Nimbus guy. Uh, if, if they sold those and they were real, would you, would you get up there?
Absolutely. Would you? One million percent. But you don't like flying in planes? Because I'm not in control.
You don't know how to fly a plane. You're damn right, so I don't want to- You don't know how to fly a broom! I would learn. If I'm getting a broom, I'm learning how to fly a broom. It would be cool. Dude, I would just be like, yo, I'm on my way into work.
Probably so cold. Ooh, is your elbow okay? It would be a little cold, but I would dress appropriately. Yeah. Dude, are you kidding me? Yeah. That would be cool. You think they have a seatbelt? No, have you not watched Harry Potter? But you have to add one. Why? Cause you're flying on a broom. I mean, if- Also, isn't it, think about how you're sitting on it, wouldn't that hurt? Yeah, my nuts would be split in half. The Nimbus or the Firebolt, I don't remember which one, had like little like foot stirrups on it, so you can kind of take a little bit of pressure off of your coomph. Yeah, but my fucking balls are getting beat up, dude. Also, I'm getting chit- Don't talk about my balls. I didn't, I didn't say anything. Also, just leaning on a broom.
If anything, a broom is more well-equipped to deal with your balls than most other things you ride on. You can just have one nut go one way, one nut go the other. That's not the most comfortable way to have my nuts. Why? Because they're a package deal, they'd rather be together, hugging each other. Alright, so put them on one side, and then, then the broom will just hold it against your leg. Still pressing up against me. I mean, it can, if you got good enough nuts, it'll just press up against like in-between. Tell you what, I'd rather a magic carpet. You can lay down, bro, you can lay down! Or hold on to it, like this. I feel more in control when I have the thing in my grasp like this, you know what I mean? Hold on to the edge of the carpet, like this. And you can just like- Yeah, but like, you, like, so what am I gonna do? Actually, yeah, I guess-
You don't even fly it, you just tell the carpet, he's a guy, you tell him, "Bro, get me there." Yeah, girl, just let's just go, dude. Yeah, it's like having an Uber driver. That's a really good point. And you can kind of talk to it, you know, it has a personality. Yeah, the little sides, I'm like, hey! Now we're talking. Would you rather have a magic carpet? A magic broom?
I realized you didn't think further than those.
I didn't.
Or DeLorean.
Does it go back in time?
Yeah, yeah, but then you gotta get back here.
It's lightning. Easy.
I'm taking the fucking carpet every time.
I think I'm taking the broom. I kinda like the steering.
You're passing up a literal time machine. A literal time machine.
I don't...
What do I need to go back to?
Well, I'm fine.
Think about this. If you were to go back in time, how cool is that actually? Unless you're gonna do something that's gonna like, you know, benefit the world, which I am incapable of doing most things.
Well, it also depends on what logic of time travel and, you know, time, uh, like affecting the future that you subscribe to. If we're going based off of the Back to the Future rules, you could actually do more damage than you think. You know what I mean?
But even so, even without that, like, how cool is it to go back in time? Like, what am I gonna do? What are you gonna do? Like, you wanna go back and see what? A dinosaur, then what?
No, I wouldn't wanna get stuck there.
But that's what I mean. So what would you even do with a time machine? That's what I said. Then you're stuck there and you need to get back.
I'm assuming I have two trips.
Take as many trips as you want. What are you doing in the past?
I mean, can I bring...
Think about that!
Hold on, wait. Hold on, he's on to something here.
The sports almanac.
He is... I mean, that's not a bad idea. That's... that was gonna be my question. Can I bring stuff back with me?
The sports almanac?
Yeah, you don't remember Back to the Future 2?
The winner of every sports team for like 100 years.
I've never seen any of the Back to the Future movies.
Well, that's why he's... that's why he's arguing like this, you know?
Well, no, if anything, if anything, his point... uh, his points would only be strengthened by watching those movies. Because there's... there's shenanigans and whimsy about because of the time travel.
Whimsy? I just don't think that time travel backwards would be actually that cool that I would pass up a magic carpet.
I mean, it would... you would be able... hold on. You would be able to reap the benefits of it financially. For instance...
So?
Go back in time and pick up like 30 Pokemon first edition shadowless booster boxes. Bring them back with you. You're sitting on a couple milli, baby.
We do know that the DeLorean can go to the future.
Does it?
Right?
Yes, it does in the second one. He hasn't seen it.
It's called Back to the Future. So like, it goes back and forth.
Yeah, but if you're back, then- Yeah, but that was the title of the first movie. They, they then-
The second one was Back to the Future 2.
But if you're going back to the future, that just means the present. Because that would mean that like, you were in the future because of the present. In theory-
They do go to the future.
They do go to the future, they go to the distant past. The Back to the Future name is in reference to, in the first movie, they go to the past and they need to get back to their timeline, which is the future of where they currently are. Even the future. Being able to time travel to the future. What can you do there? You're basically an idiot now. I mean, no, he's, he's right about the sports almanac. That's a big thing, and that's a part of, of, of- You want to be spoiled? You wanna, you wanna know who won the World Series? It's not about knowing, it's about being able to financially capitalize on it. I'm good with that. If they're at like, the beginning of the season, like, remember a couple of years ago when the Washington Nationals won the World Series? Frank, even if you have all of the money, then what? You still don't have a magic carpet.
How long you think you're gonna keep your magic carpet once people see you have a magic carpet?
Yeah, exactly. People are gonna want that bitch.
They can't get it. How can they not? You're not a magic person, you don't suddenly have fucking like, security?
You don't have the genie.
Now, now the, okay, you have a, a magic card, they can take that. Boom.
Well, they wouldn't know I'm going back and forth because there's no proof.
And you can also blow that up. And they also wouldn't know how to use the DeLorean. So the magic carpet is a person, it's sentient, it could be like, "I'm not flying for you, I'm gonna carpet." Well, you would have to build a really good rapport with this carpet. Yeah, we're fucking boys.
I, if we're arguing like, what, like, going to the future and reaping some sort of financial benefits-
You're with me.
I'm with you.
If we're talking about just purely living in the fu- cause like, you also need to hit 88 in order to get the DeLorean to go, and that's not necessarily easy everywhere you go. I mean, I could get it to hit 88. I mean, think about it like this. If I put a DeLorean outside right now, you're not going anywhere, buddy. I mean, once you hit the highway.
What highway in New York will you open it up to hit 88? 4AM, any of them.
That's unsafe Joey. I mean, yes. You know what's easier?
Flying a magic carpet.
Yeah, but if you watch, I guess you know what, if you watch the original Aladdin, they go from like Agrabah to like Greece. And like somewhere else very quickly, so the speed of the magic carpet is pretty fast.
That's what I'm saying.
But also, if I have-
And it saved his life!
But also, if I have a magic broom. Magic could also exist elsewhere. The implication is that if this broom is magic-
That's not the implication. Also, if I jump off the Empire State Building, my magic carpet could just capture me.
I mean, you're-
Why are you jumping off?
I'm saying that's an option. Like, your magic carpet is like, your bodyguard. You can't fall.
And I have the option to go see a dinosaur.
That does suck. Congrats! But this is what I'm saying, with time travel, you go back and actually think about the utility of this, right? If you have a time machine forever, and I have a magic carpet forever, in my experience. You can go back, and then you can like, invest in Apple, or whatever the fuck you want to do, and then you have all the money in the world.
That's a great point.
And what are you gonna do with it, though?
Bro, I have a magic carpet. Do you know like, what I could do with that?
I would pay people to steal your magic carpet.
They can't get it. Well, also, here's the thing, you go back in time to the time of the dinosaurs. The terrain has not yet had the effects of humankind on it. Where are you gonna drive to open that bitch up to 88?
That's also fair. Just open land, I'll drive, I mean, I'll put on-
Open land, brother, it's not necessary-
Off-road tires.
Off-road tires, so you think with off-road tires, you'll be able to get to 88 doing this all the time?
So you're both in on the DeLorean, just for financial gain?
I honestly, I am kinda standing my ground on the magic, uh, a broom?
That's the worst one.
I don't think it's the worst one.
It's easily the worst one.
How is that the worst one?
Easily the worst one.
Because it hurts your balls. Guess what? Guess what you can't do on your magic carpet?
Guess what you can't do?
Have your girlfriend with you.
You damn right I can.
Oh yeah, get on this thing, we'll both sit on it, get it even more uncomfortable.
What is more romantic than being able to be held by your partner behind you, and they're looking over your shoulder, and you're fucking bobbing and weaving?
I'll tell you what, a fucking picnic in the sky on the way to Greece! Yeah, but first of all, that would be incredibly cold. Okay? The air pressure is significantly less up there, so what, you're up there eating grapes and fucking cured meats at minus thirty degrees?
Who's going to thirty-five thousand feet? We go right here.
Camera's getting hit by a plane. But then also... Go to like... But then also, guess what? You need to hold on to a magic carpet. Well, guess what a magic carpet...
No, you don't.
Guess what a magic carpet famously...
Go watch the movie, no you don't.
Guess what a magic carpet famously does not have? Handels, brother. It can catch me. Go watch the movie, yes, Aladdin is like this!
Yeah, when it's intense. But he's, when he's flying with Jasmine, they're just like...
And they're just chilling and fucking falling in love.
They are chilling, they are falling in love. Splendid. Tell me, princess, now where did you last? Let your heart decide. And it's when, I'm sorry, guys. I can open your eyes.
Take you on a ride. Wander. Over sideways and under. This is Disney. Oh, yeah, they'll fuck us up. Oh, shit, shit, shit. They will hammer us. It's a weekly, it's a weekly. But it's a cover, it's a cover. I know, but you guys are doing really good, like, I like it. Yeah, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill. If the Backstreet Boys are gonna fucking bend us over for some money, then you damn right... If this happens again, I swear to God. You damn right Disney's gonna... Thank you for stepping in, because that would have lasted another ten minutes. See, this is why he earns his keep here. Yeah.
I'm taking the magic carpet, though, let's not be crazy. No, because guess what? Watch this, watch this. Watch this, alright? I'm gonna do a little thing here. Yeah, yeah. I forgot I kept this under here. Watch this.
You're getting thrown off. You know what you're not bucking me off of? A fucking magic broom, baby. Frank, you just... I'm holding on for dear life, like this. You think you're breaking that grip? No!
Don't you have to learn how to fly the broom?
Yeah, I'll learn that.
Yeah, I'm not even flying the carpet.
Yeah, he's chilling.
So you're at the will of somebody else. You are willing? I know how you are. You're willing to give up. In such a vulnerable state, you're giving up control to this sentient carpet.
What do you think flying in a plane is?
The exact same thing, and you've expressed that you don't like that for that reason.
Why do I do it?
You do it, but it... So you're in a significantly more vulnerable state when you're on a magic carpet.
And you're just gonna give up and just hope that this collection of threading is going to not just fucking lose its mind and kill you one day?
Yeah, it's magic.
You know how you're in ultimate control? If this thing is sentient and you have it in your own control.
Frank, as soon as that thing decides it's not magic anymore, you're on a broomstick in the sky, moron.
You can't make up shit like that.
You just did!
No, I'm presenting a potential hypothetical. There is no world in which any of these stop being magical, because you have the exact same argument.
Okay, if the carpet is magic, that means that it is the magic carpet that we know from Aladdin.
And you're just... You believe that this magic carpet is just 100% completely neutral good all the time?
No chaotic elements to it.
When was it bad?
It was... It was... There were some points where it was a little cheeky in those movies, you know? It's being a little funny and silly.
Not when it came to Aladdin.
It did save him a couple times.
Multiple.
Mine's science. You guys have their Aladdin magic.
Yours is the dumbest.
Yeah, yours is the dumbest.
I mean, actually, no, Frank's is pretty bad.
No!
He's a broom. It's a broom.
Yours is the worst answer. His doesn't make sense.
Yeah, yours is a car from the 1980s. If science doesn't give up, then the transmission is going! Are you fucking kidding me?
It's true. It's true. It's true, dude.
I can go back in time.
You're gonna need a new...
It's just a car.
You're gonna need to get the tires fucking redone, dude.
Imagine this, too.
What happens if you got a flat tire in the Mesozoic era?
Bro, who's cooler?
That'd be a problem.
Who's cooler, right? You pulling up to the bar in that car with a fucking mad scientist in the fucking passenger seat, by the way, or me standing and just landing with my carpet? And then it takes off.
You're gonna fly standing? Ew, dude.
Not always.
That is disgusting.
When I'm arriving... Also, it turns into stairs. I walk down it.
What if I walk out of the car with Einstein or something?
Who the fuck is that guy?
Yeah, what is that going to do for the normal person today? Oh, look, cool Einstein, we have 8 million of him now.
Or Freddie Mercury.
That would, that would be cool. Only if he's singing though.
Of course he's singing, that's the, that's the agreement.
Are you, can you bring people to the future that are coming back?
They do that in Bill and Ted.
Yeah. It'd probably mess up some things, not if you bring them back to the exact spot they left.
I mean, again, it depends on what logic of time travel you subscribe to.
You also assume that Freddie Mercury's gonna be like, "Yeah, sure, I'll get in, kid."
I mean, there are ways that you can get Freddie Mercury there. There are ways.
Cocaine?
Cocaine.
He'll get in.
Orgies. Yo, you won't even believe the orgies they're having nowadays.
Nah, I'm, I'm taking, I'm taking the, the magic carpet.
What's cooler, you showing up on fucking carpet? Or me pulling in like a fucking BMX, like
on a fucking magic broom?
Yeah, me, me being like, "Yo, that's fire." And then people are gonna be like, "What are you supposed to be, Elphaba?"
You made it cooler.
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
I, that was the standard, that's what I was thinking.
Could you imagine me wearing a flowy black gown on this magic fucking broom? And I go to the top and I'm like, "If you can't find me, look to the western sky." Dude, what?
Government's shooting you out of the sky.
Yes, they are. However-
That's what I'm saying about your carpet.
I'd be low.
They're, you think they're just gonna be like, "We can't find him, he's just right there."
I'm underneath the radar.
Yeah, but guess what everyone has nowadays? Phones, brother.
They're finding all of us. Especially you dumbass.
They're not finding me.
What's gonna happen when you go back to the past and there's no more gasoline?
I wouldn't, I would monitor it properly.
Yeah, but you would go back in time and go, huh, huh, oh, good. And then you go home.
Yeah, and you'd also go and get mauled, whether it be by animals or any fucking illness or sickness that has since been long dead that's gonna fucking kill you.
Also, think about this. You're gonna go in the past, and then you're gonna make a bunch of money so that your present self can have a bunch of money. Then you're just, why would, why go in the past again if you have all the money in the future? You don't have it in the past. I go to the future, see what's going on. Yeah, you'd be the dumbest person there. But then I go back.
Dumbest is a stretch. Because if you put Albert Einstein here today, he's still smarter than any of us.
Uh... That is a, a, an, like, I don't even know how, whatever. I don't even know how true that is, to be honest. I don't, I don't really agree. Because you would put him in front of a computer, and he'd probably be like, "What?" "Fate is this."
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You know, like... I think we're all smarter than Einstein.
We've had this argument, we're not doing this again.
I don't think that we're smarter than Einstein. I, not smarter than Einstein, duh! Um, but... I don't know.
We have more access to knowledge than Einstein did.
That, I could say that. We're not, we're not relitigating this argument. I hear what you're saying. A magic carpet is incredibly cool.
It's more comfy.
It is not as, like, that's like saying, like, what's cooler? Laying on a fucking, like, mat in a pool, or someone that rides up on a chopper? What's cooler, Joey?
That's not what we're saying at all.
That's exactly what we're saying.
What's cooler? A Segway or a motorcycle?
Okay. Flying in an airplane, would you rather be laying down, or in the back, sitting on a bike?
If I was in control of it, I mean, but like, sure, there are some design flaws that maybe I would be able to edit at different points in time. Yeah, there's some flaws, alright. That maybe there are some design flaws. You're on a carpet. Yeah. Your life, your well-being and safety is, is just basically at the will of the thread count. Yours too! No, mine's a piece of sturdy magic wood.
Also, it'd be more like a bike without the bike seat. You're just sitting on raw, thin wood.
Yeah, dude, your butthole is toast. First of all, do not reference the standard at which my asshole will be after riding on a magic, uh...
Post. Post.
I'll just get some biker shorts. What are they called?
Biker shorts.
There you go! I'll get some biker shorts and I'll fucking throw a pillow in my pants. I'll be okay, dude.
Throw a pillow in my pants?
I'll be alright.
Really cool. Got to throw a pillow in your pants?
I'm gonna like, take a nap on my carpet. Yeah, and then you're gonna roll over and roll to your doom. No, because it could catch me. You better hope it can catch you, because that's the other part of it, is that it needs to find you and get you, because if you remember, in Aladdin, like, he falls and that thing needs to go and get it, and sometimes it's not, it, it cuts it a little close. So the anxiety of possibly falling to your death better be worth it. I mean, I'm not gonna fall asleep, but I could. I could lay down, for sure. You can lay down, sure. But then you're laying on a carpet.
Could my DeLorean fly? Like his?
It does have the ability to fly. It does.
Oh, my answer's so good.
Your answer sucks!
Your answer's so good. He doesn't need the, the ground to even teleport. He just flies at 88 miles per hour.
Boy, that does add a bit of a monkey wrench into my argument. So it's kinda like the Harry Potter car? Yeah.
Sure.
Except it could teleport.
Can't teleport. It can go back in time. It wasn't like teleporting from like, here to France. It was going back in time. So you're not getting that. You also can't go anywhere like, cool, except the past or the future. There's no practical use for it in today's, like, day and age. I mean, you could take the car, you could drive the car.
I have a flying car at the end of the day. I still have a flying car.
Yeah, that does change things for me now, because the carpet is like, but the other thing is the accessibility of the carpet.
You're also getting something in the carpet that you're not getting in the DeLorean. You're getting personality. You're getting something that you might enjoy.
Compared to you're just getting nuts and bolts. I get heat and AC and time travel and flight. All things that don't matter when you have a cool carpet. I'm helping you here. I still think my answer's the best.
The weather is a toughie.
That's another one. I mean, all of us. I mean, you and I are both fucked with the weather.
Don't say all of us. Not me. Also, in a, in a thunderstorm?
That'd be cool.
No, dude, for you?
I mean, why? It's wood.
Yeah, but...
It cracks wood?
Yeah, when it strikes it.
Well, I, I will take the chances. Yours, if fucking thunder hits yours, it's literally turning to dust and you're falling.
This is a stupid question, maybe.
I mean, what is this show if not a collection of those?
I mean, the last hour and a half have been probably pretty stupid, but lightning, right? It strikes.
That, uh, bolt, is it like, like the damage that that bolt can do?
Like, obviously it does damage where it strikes, but can you get damaged by this part? You know what I'm saying? Like, in the middle?
That's a good question.
Like the light part of it?
I, I imagine, doesn't it also strike from the ground up? Isn't that like a thing?
It's not what it does in the cartoons.
Or, I mean, I've seen it in life, too.
You're saying it spawns from the ground? I thought I saw, I'm, I'm not saying I, I know that. I thought that was something I had heard.
I think there is something about the electricity in the ground, like you can, like, right? Where lightning strikes before it does, something with the ground.
I'm sure that there, like, since it is like, it's, it's a form of energy, so I'm sure there is a surrounding area that will also be affected by it.
Yeah, I didn't know if it was just like where it ends up or the entirety of the strike like that could be damaging to some. Oh, well, maybe if it does hit something on the way down, it would just stop there.
No, I think it would be powerful enough to go through it.
Well, planes get struck by lightning.
Yeah, but it also probably then goes down.
Oh, I don't think so. I think that it hits the plane and it kind of like distribute out.
Does lightning strike the ocean?
Of course, dude, what? It probably mostly strikes the ocean.
It's more likely to hit the ocean than anything else.
Well, because of of just there's more ocean area than there is land area, but like in the middle of the ocean is there lightning strikes.
Of cour- I mean, I've seen it. You could stand on the edge of a beach and watch a like a storm or something.
But how do you know it's not hitting like a little body of land out there?
What is it? Why does it need to be land?
I'm asking.
I'm saying no.
This is a tough question to find the answer to, but you are right. The it's called the return stroke. It's
Ayy.
This is a
Ayy, yo, it's like a reach around.
That's what they could. That's why they should. The gay community should rename reach arounds to the return stroke.
It's a bright, powerful electric current that travels upward from the ground towards the cloud. It is extremely dangerous because it carries millions of volts and heats the air to approximately 50,000 degrees Fahrenheit.
Excuse me?
Hotter than the surface of the sun in that flash is what it says.
No shot.
I don't believe hotter than the surface.
I don't believe that either.
Yeah, I don't think
People survive it.
It probably
How's that possible?
50,000 degrees Fahrenheit is not hotter than the surface of the sun.
What fucking side are you on?
Let me guess. Let me guess. Let me guess.
It sounds like you texted Frank for this answer.
Excuse you. That sounds like it's an AI answer.
It is.
Trust scientists.
Well, how do we get hold of one?
I don't know. I don't know.
You know what? Get in your DeLorean. Go bring fucking Albert Einstein back here.
We've talked about trying to get Neil on the show. We've talked about trying to get Hank Green. Like, we're gonna have to answer.
Is Hank Green a scientist?
Is he? He's the scientist dude. But he's a scientist? I don't know. He knows science things, I guess. I know, he's a smart guy. What differentiates a scientist from a non-scientist? It's just they just know more. A degree title. I don't think that they are called Scientist Joe, Scientist Frank. No, they have... I think practicing... No, there's like, you're like a physicist. Yeah, so they are studying... They have a PhD in physics. Frank, if you just like know things about science, you're not a scientist. I think you are to some degree. You, you need to be like certified. But you can get a degree in a specialized field. But like... There's no degree of scienti-ism. Right, no, this...
It's physicist, it's chemist. Yes, but those would be sci- like of the sciences, there, you're a scientist. Like, if you have one of those titles, then you're considered a scientist. So in theory, you need a degree, like a Bachelor of Science. I don't know if it's a Bachelor, or if you need something else. But you need a science degree. Yes. So one of us here... Is technically a scientist. No. Two of us here are technically scientists. Two of us? He's got a degree? It's, it's not any degree, it's not criminal justice and you're a scientist. But the literal degree says Bachelor of Science. The major is, was criminal justice. Now we have to look up who's a scientist, like I, this is, I mean, what are we doing?
What, so what do we look up exactly?
Well, well, why don't you look up, is Frank Alvarez, from the dumbest podcast that's ever existed, a scientist? Why don't we look that up? Better yet, why don't we call up the National, let's call up the White House and let them know there's a scientist here that needs to, a pay raise or something. Do, do me a favor. Don't give my full name when you call the White House, that might be a little troublesome.
I cannot believe the attack I would just on the receiving end on. Google that exact quote. But what? It's Frank Al- on the fucking screen, is Frank Alvarez, from the dumbest podcast... What was it? That's ever existed. That's ever existed. A... A scientist. A scientist.
I'm gonna say this. A scientist is fundamentally... Defined as a commitment to systemic inquiry using observation, experimentation, and scientific method to acquire new knowledge about the natural world. It's all it takes.
You guys are-
(laughing) So I'm a scientist!
Hey buddy, first of all, that octave, very high. Second off, that doesn't make you a scientist?
Yes, it does. So much of my degree was studying the scientific method in terms of social sciences, which can be applied to the natural world as a result of the societal impacts that criminal justice has.
God, I hate this show.
Bachelor of science, dude. If anything, he's also a scientist.
Yeah, we're all scientists!
No, you're not! That's my point!
I wasn't in the liberal arts and science school. I was in the-
What's your bachelor degree say? Bachelor of?
Business.
I don't think that's- so then a bachelor of arts. So you're not. So see you later, bitch. It's just me.
You can't be a scientist, you don't even have glasses.
I do have glasses. I just don't wear them all the time.
That's because you're not a scientist.
I am definitely-
When was the last bit of research you did that wasn't about a toy from the 90s on eBay?
What I am researching is completely irrelevant. However, understanding and the proper way of researching something using peer-reviewed articles and being able to apply data to support or argue against something, I think that is in theory the scientific method. I have used it. I continue to use it in my daily life. I am a scientist.
Well, there you have it, folks. The Basement Yard Podcast, hosted by college dropout Joe Santagato and the scientist, Dr. Frank Alvarez.
Let me make something-
And the other scientist, apparently-
Let's make something-
The scientist of business, over there!
Let's make something abundantly clear. I did not receive my doctorate. I did receive my master's. So if anything, it's college dropout Joe Santagato-
Oh, no, no, no. College dropout Joe Santagato, scientist, Dr. Frank Alvarez-
No, not doctor!
Who's also Dr. Frank Alvarez because he's close to being a surgeon. Let's not forget that argument too!
No, no, no, no!
That he's close to being a doctor!
No, no, no, no, no. Don't do that. That's unfair. Okay? I have not received my doctorate, okay? I am a master, though.
I received my master's degree. So I am, this is the Basement Yard Podcast, hosted by
Go ahead.
College dropout Joe Santagato.
And master of science,
Frank Alvarez.
Because that is what my degrees say. I'm a bachelor of science, I'm a master of science.
You are now a podcaster. Scientist, it's over.
Hey, listen, the world that we live in.
You left the lab behind.
The world we live in weaves a weird web. However, here I am.
You know what?
As your.
We're happy that you hung up your lab coat. We're really happy that you hung up your lab coat. And what are you giggling about? Cause you hung up the lab coat too, apparently.
That's right.
I mean, listen.
Oh my god.
If you were to say, here's the start of the race, here's the end of the race. Okay?
It's a decent point.
If you were to say, here's the start of the race, here's the end of the race.
Here's where you are.
Here's where I am. And if this, the end of the race is being a scientist or a doctor.
I am, just using plain logic. Closer. Why is, why do I have to explain this?
Frank, how does that make you a scientist? Because you studied fifteen years ago. Shit that you don't remember, and you took a class.
We just got hammered, it was mixology.
Whoa.
You think that scientists don't like to party? We love to party!
We!
We do.
I'm sick of this.
I do, we do. I'm a bachelor of, I will show you my degree.
Bachelor of science, master of science.
None of your shit says master of science.
I guarantee it does.
It says master of science?
So like, it's like bachelor of science. It's, it's like, when they say like BS, you know.
Oh, it's BS alright.
Bachelor of science, MS, in this, in this major, yeah.
I'm writing down Joe's BS joke, that was really underrated.
Oh my god!
I mean, it's just, it is what it is. You could be as upset as you want to be about it.
It's not me!
The reality is...
You wanna be close.
I'm not, I don't want to be anything. I am. Categorically...
A scientist?
Factually...
A scientist.
I have received a Bachelor of Science.
Are you a scientist?
In essence, I am!
That is all for this week's episode of the fucking basement yard.
Don't you dare! Don't you dare try to do that!
You guys were all fucking, you guys were out here watching! I got shit in my mouth!
What is this, in my mouth?
I'm like a piece of turkey! This whole time, I'm sitting across from a scientist, and I'm surrounded by scientists. Wow, this is the smartest company in the world.
If anything, joke's on me. Because one of the scientists here... Is... There is a scientist here, and he is working for the non-scientist.
No, no, no! I'm surrounded by scientists! I went out, you know what? That's the prerequisite, if you wanna work at this company, you gotta be a scientist.
Uh, I think Greg is... No, Greg, I think, got his degree in the arts, didn't he?
Like, journalism or something?
Yeah, that's not science.
He's not you guys! Why do I keep getting punched?
He's not a Bachelor of Science, he's a Bachelor of Arts. Journalism, which is impressive. I'm not taking that away from him.
But it ain't a scientist.
But he's not a scientist!
He's not Dexter.
He's a scientist with words, which is a, just a journalist.
Yeah, Shakespeare.
But he's not...
Yeah. So that's how we're gonna categorize all this. He's closer to being Plato than the rest of us.
That is correct!
Uh, yeah.
Yes, that is correct.
I think I'm done. Right. I'm, I think I'm done with the episode. Cause I don't even know what to say. Do you want me to end it? Yeah. The resident scientist. I, I would like this to end scientifically, so yeah. Okay. Well, I believe I can unequivocally say, I am, it has been a stupendous episode. Alright, and the, the passion that you and I feel for doing this show has propelled each and every episode to exponentially
more heights. There's that science degree talking.
Would it have been funny if I killed this mic?
Exponentially more heights. I just wanna say, Yeah. From your resident basement yard scientist. Right.
Curiosity and imagination is incredibly important. Keep that. Let it propel you and your loved ones into a future of not just uncertainty, but seeking out life as it is and as it ought to be.
Patreon.com slash the basement yard.
If you would like to fund more research. That's right. What is the basement yard if not a show biased, half a scientist? Uh huh. You know, half scientists. Yes. Are we not a show for scientific exploration?
Should I talk?
Don't shake your head in agreement. Okay, Mr. Giggle's over there. I think he stomped his feet before from laughing.
I was crying. It was so funny.
Boy, people are gonna have a field day with this episode. I can't wait for the scientists to rally behind me. My god, Hank Green is gonna lose his mind. Um, alright. He's too nice though. Hank Green is too nice. He would be like, technically. I feel like he's got some fire in him, maybe.
I haven't, uh, yeah, uh, maybe.
Do some research in your lab and let us know.
You know what, yeah, I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll follow the scientific method.
Well, look, you guys, uh, go follow me at Joe standing out, go follow the show at the base of me, our Frank.
You know.
And?
You can follow, yeah, right. After that outing, you're lucky.
You guys, uh, we'll see you guys next time. Thank you so much.
Ugh, I hate Mondays.
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Uh, Taylor Hanson? Sure, I'll try one. Mmm.
Hey, let's get back to work, please.
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Taylor Hanson? Nice.
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