The Basement Yard
Original podcast
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17,488 words · 5 speakers
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Welcome back to the basement.
Welcome back to the basement yard, Frank. Hey, hi. Love the sweater. Yeah, fuck. I don't know where I was going with that. Don't know whose voice that is. Knicks won the championship. Knicks did it. They won the finals. I, as we previously spoke, I'm still relatively new into my basketball fandom, so like, I made it a point to not say "we won." I don't feel like I'm in that yet. I don't even get it, like, you know what's so unfortunate? Like, I feel like, I mean, I, I, we grew up in New York. I like watching sports and stuff, and then I get on the internet after the Knicks win, and people are like, "There's a lot of transplants who are supporting the Knicks." I hate that mentality deeply,
because you're, you're actively, like, in a sense, rooting against your own team by doing that. Like, you're gatekeeping fandom for your team because you watch them go fucking 12 and 70? Yeah, I'm, I'm not, I'm not really into that. It's just, I get the, the, the, in New York, the transplant thing, when people like, they just like, want to say they're New Yorkers, and that kind of feels weird, or if they're like, uh, hanging out in certain areas and calling it different names, like, behavior like that, but if you're, we're cheering for a basketball team here. Yeah, I, I think it frustrates me, because I don't know many transplants, so I can't sit there and, and like, really rally against them.
But like, I think what we have seen over the last 10 years is like, New York culture has become like, if you're here, you're part of it now. And like, you could be a part of it now, like, you're, you know, you hear "bing bong", you know, and you're like, you know, if you grew up outside of New York City... Your shouldn't leave your fucking mouth. Bing bong shouldn't even be ever said. Like, that's, that's the part where the trans- but like, the people that are like, gatekeeping fandom, like, you're not a Knicks fan. Not that anyone has said that to me, but like, I have seen that, and people do that with all sports, across all sports, you know?
I just don't understand that at all. Like, is, I mean, for me, dude, like, I
I get so frustrated in like, close games for like, all sports, that if I'm with someone who's cheering for the opposite team, or just like, being a troll, it fi- I can't be around it.
Really?
Like, it fires me up so much.
Why?
I don't know. Like, I get so like-
I hate when, when, and we're, we're definitely not gonna throw it to anyone else for this conversation.
This kid, I kicked him out of the chat twice.
I know.
Cause he was fucking around.
Once, once a year, I, I get kicked out of, I get kicked out of chat. I, I wasn't talking as per-
Cause you're, cause you are an asshole.
This is what you do. This is what you do.
I wasn't talking crazy.
And I was just gonna say, this is the thing that, that bothers me, is when there's a, there's a difference between rooting for your team, and then just rooting against the team that you're playing. If that makes sense.
I wasn't. But you're a shitstarter, which is why I kicked you.
You are.
Because I didn't want it to get to the point where I'm like, am I going to have, cause he said one thing.
What was it?
And-
Was it even that bad?
Uh, I don't even care. To me, it was. It was, it was, it was. It was, I was protecting you by kicking you out of that chat, because if you would've kept going, I would've driven to your house and, and dragged you outside.
Oh, I would've came to see you.
Well, that would've been very nice, actually.
Now, now you know, if there's a game on, just get him pissed.
I haven't seen Joe in a while.
There's a chat with me, uh, him, and, and Josh in it.
And not Frankie.
And Greg is in it too, by the way.
It's okay, it's alright.
But this kid during the Pacers series, just going.
So I'm like, yo, this kid's an asshole. So your reputation precedes you.
Yeah, I got kicked out of that chat as well.
This, yeah, I kicked him out of that one too.
That one made more sense.
But then he made back, he came back in, in this one. Then in this, in, uh, during the game where Wemby's doing this, like, I'm in your head type of thing, while, while that's going on, which by the way, I'm pacing like a bobcat in my living room. Freaking, like, I'm so angry.
They're down 24 at this point.
Literally. I'm like, freaking out. I'm screaming into pillows. This kid goes, Wemby's laughing at y'all. I said, shut the fuck up, and I kicked him out.
You got the boot. You're like DJ Jazzy Jeff in Fresh Prince.
By the way, Zombie kicked him out, and then two seconds later, no one added- He's like, I'm back. Kicked him again.
I honestly, I thought you added me back. I don't know.
I honestly, I don't know how I got there. I inserted myself.
I don't know how that happened. I thought you let me back in. That's why I was like, what I was gonna say was, Wemby's laughing at you all. You gotta hit him. But I, I, I.
No, you weren't. No, he's trying. He's trying.
No, no, I text, I text in like, tens.
Yeah. I just wrote in all caps, yo, sent that and said, shut the fuck up.
And then, yeah, then I went to text, I went, ooh. And then Josh texts me. And then Josh texts me on the side, he goes.
See, I, I, I really don't like, I do take an approach of just like, I ride for the teams that I ride for. You know how I am. But like, if we're watching a Yankees game and there's a Red Sox fan there. It'll be playful, but like, if they seriously get like, rude about it, that's what I, I do take it like, I mean, they're, they're, they're beating the Yankees. I need to take it on the chin here. You know, but I, that's the approach that I take. But what you do, I could see that driving me up a fucking wall.
They're down by 30 points.
Yeah.
And I could not be losing my mind more. And then just to see you being like, haha, these la- I was like, nope. No, no, no.
The, the way he was taking it, you know, it's hard to read over text. He was taking it a lot harsher than I was.
I would have taken anything harsh, to be honest, at that point.
So you were trying to give it nice and smooth, but you just took it hard.
You have a knack for doing what you just did.
I mean.
And you're a bastard.
Yeah, I am a bastard. I mean, technically not, but in fun, playful ways I am.
Oh, wait, we're in another chat that you're in, I believe. And he said like, the Knicks did, or something like that. And I just wrote, shove it in your ass.
Yeah, yeah.
That one I saw.
I said GG's.
Shove it up your ass.
GG's. Yes, GG's. Like shove it in your ass.
Well, GG, even GG's is like a bit of a bitch of a way to say that. You know what I mean? Like.
I can't say anything.
No, but like, you honestly know you can't because we know you're fandom. We have, we've spoken about this like three episodes in a row now.
Honestly, if you were a Spurs fan, I'll just fight with you.
But you're not. So now it's like you're just provoking me.
I think he is just trying to fuck, because he's also, not trying to fuck, trying to fuck with us, is what I was trying to say.
We don't know.
Uh, maybe. Uh, but I also imagine that he's on his fifth fucking Jameson and toilet water or wherever you drink. And he's just like, I'm just gonna be a prick. And I, I can guarantee, because I know you, you, your boys are also Knicks fans. I can guarantee you do the exact same thing to them.
No, it's way worse to them. It's way worse.
At least, at least he gives us the respect at not stepping that boundary.
The Pacers one, that was, I, I deserved that, probably.
I'm telling.
The Spurs one, I was just, we were kind of like, it was, it was good back and forth, like OG's gotta do this, oh my god, you know, Darren Fox is a loser, all back and forth.
Now we're down 30 though.
Right.
And it's like, yo, he's laughing at you guys, and it's like.
But this is.
Now you're, now you're crossing a line.
You know what this is? This is the prime example of a fan that has never been there, like that has never won. Because he's a fan of nothing. So like.
He wins every year that the Knicks don't win.
Yeah, he wins every year that everyone wins. But like, you don't, you don't give yourself to one team, so like, you can't like, know the feeling in that moment of like the intense heartbreak or the intense like, uh, uh, you know, adoration or love.
That's also what me and Josh on the side, I was like, even after all that, I'm like, being a Knicks fan must be real nice right now.
Yeah, dude.
Yeah, Josh multiple times has texted me and been like, you guys are gonna have such a great summer, I'm so jealous. It's literally like that. Like, yo, multiple times.
But that, that's also a funny.
I just wanna feel what you guys feel.
But he also has, like, the, the, the Pistons, for some reason Josh is a Pistons fan. They won in 2004.
I'll tell you this right now, by the way, you do that to Josh?
Like, if the Pistons were making a run and you do that to him, I'm not kidding, I can't save you.
Yo, jokes aside, like, he's itching to beat us up just because that's how he.
A little bit.
He's angry when they're winning. Like you've seen them, like they're winning games and he's like, yo, this fucking team.
That's how my mom is, bro. My mom with the Yankees. Yo, my, the Yankees can be up by 12, but judge will strike out. This motherfucker.
Piece of this shit. That's it. They're gonna lose. Here it goes. Here come all the home runs.
That, that, that's exactly how she is. Josh will, without exaggeration, put you in a leg lock of some sort.
Yeah, but the Knicks, the Knicks did win.
They did.
And, uh, it was, it was amazing. And, uh, I, I was home at the time watching the game and I just, the game ended. And I just put my TV on mute and I opened up my window and I could hear the entire city.
I was getting, I've spoken about this a couple of times.
Fireworks everywhere also.
I've spoken about this a couple of times. I was getting emotional, seeing the reaction of the fans of the Knicks, because there are fans that legitimately have been fans their entire lives, like in, like my mom is an example. My mom's been a fan since she was 10.
And like for them, it's a big thing. And then I'm seeing like the camaraderie and like, it, it is true. Like you look into the crowds of people and yes, they're rowdy. No one is saying that. And no one is saying that that is right either. The people that got like hurt and lit stuff on fire, crazy. Wemby getting hit with an egg, also disrespectful. But, but seeing like people of different race, ethnicities, sexual orientation, all like in the streets flooding and celebrating together. I got emotional seeing that. It was beautiful, you know?
This is funny.
People, uh, black, white, gay even.
No, it was, it was, uh, no, it was awesome, dude. I love shit like that. Like it was really cool to see all the videos and whatnot.
My whole algorithm is still just Knicks celebration videos.
Completely just Knicks shit.
Just all of it. And it's like.
I also just saw a, a interview with, they had like the starting five. They were reviewing them on like Good Morning America or something like that. And OG is just, you could tell he's fried.
Like he asked the question, he just didn't move.
I saw the exact same video. He's, he's, I mean unbelievable series from everybody. If it wasn't, if JB wasn't getting the MVP, it was going to OG, 100%.
Yeah, he went crazy. He had 45 in the fucking closeout game. God, I gave it to him. Um, but you know, because of that-
But did you go out and celebrate at all?
No, I didn't. Cause I, I wasn't, I wasn't feeling well. So I just like stayed home, watched the game. But I was thinking about this, like, I could have gone out, but I was not really in the mood to do that. Cause again, I, I wasn't feeling well, but I,
I had like a really good experience with it. Like I was home by myself and I watched the game. And like I said, when I opened up the window, cause I watched the game and I had like tears in my eyes when they won. And I'm like, I can't, I literally can't believe what I'm watching right now. And I was still nervous. Like there's a game coming. You know, like, cause we were winning games and that was exciting, but I was just like, yo, it's over. Like they, they actually won. Like they actually fucking did it. Like this team's crazy.
Yeah, it's over, it's done.
And so I, I was like emotional about that, but then, and then I heard Kat talk about his mom and I was like, yo.
Yeah, that was a good one.
So I was just like, fuck. So then I put it on mute because fireworks started shooting right outside of my building. So I opened the window and then you could just hear people like, I feel like I could hear Manhattan.
Yeah, it's funny because-
You could hear them talking.
I know I couldn't hear them. Well, sound travels weird on water. I remember that in my, from my old apartment. Like you can hear in my room, people talking like eight houses down. Like you were standing next to them.
Um, but uh, like I felt like I was going to sleep. First of all, I was too excited to go to sleep. So I was just scrolling and I, I was up all night. For a little bit, but um, I, even from where I was, I know I couldn't hear people, but like, I felt like I heard people.
Felt the energy of the city.
I felt the energy of the city reverberating through the suburbs. You know?
Bro, speaking of like- I, I was like, well, that night I didn't sleep at all. So the next day I went to sleep and I was like dying. Um, and I sleep with this, this app that records me. The only reason why I have this.
Bec- just because, um, I, I don't care about that part. It's just part of the app. Uh, the alarm is like, it's soothing so that it's not like this. Which I like, cause it helps me like wake up slowly.
Oh, so you wake up like fucking Snow White, like opening the old German windows and like there's birds and shit.
Legitimately, yes. That's how I wake up.
Like it's like.
Yeah, so it's, it's a, they do it, you can either set it to a time and it will wake you up at that time. Or you can give it a 15 minute window. And if in, if at any point during the 15 minute window, you like roll over or whatever, you're, you're slightly more awake. Then it'll do it then.
It's on your phone or a watch?
My phone.
How does it know if you're rolling over? You keep your phone in your pocket?
It records you. It can listen. It, it, it, no, it's like right on my nightstand.
That's not fucking spooky?
What do you mean?
That's not spooky?
That it's listening to me?
What am I saying?
I don't know, but like.
Well, this is my point. I was saying stuff, so I.
Well, there you go. So like, well, yeah.
Yeah. I mean, I don't care. If, first of all, if I'm talking to my sleep, I want to hear what I'm saying.
What if like in your sleep, you're just like a super racist?
Yep. I wouldn't start the story.
If I'm just ripping slurs in my sleep.
Like in your sleep, you're just like fucking Hispanics.
Yeah, yeah. First of all, I was nervous for some reason.
Dude, honestly, me too.
Really? I was like, chill.
Come on.
Well, cause you do it so.
You just set it up.
Nice try. Nice try.
Yeah, you let it fly all the time.
But this was, this was me in the, in the middle of the night. This was, uh, 3:14 a.m.
What am I doing?
One, two, three, one, two, three?
I dunno, was I singing a Sia song?
Yeah, Chandelier or something?
One, two, three, one, two, three, bitch! Yeah, I dunno, but I caught myself asleep talking, I thought that was so funny.
Wait, but why, even in his work, he's, this guy is, even in his sleep, he's working, you know?
I'm recording, I'm always recording, god damn!
He's doing soundcheck in his sleep and stuff like that, like, so good I could do it in my sleep.
Soundcheck? No, I dunno, like, I'll look sometimes, cuz I'd be like, oh, you know, it'll tell you like if you were snoring, or if it tells you if, I dunno, you were like rolling over, but, and that part I don't really look at, to be honest, not all the time. Uh, but I did see sleep talking, and I was like, what is that?
I, there are times where I wonder if I still sleep talk, cuz I, I can't remember last time that, like Becca said, that I sleep talked, sleep toke, um, but like, there have been times where we've both been asleep, and she'll be like, "What'd you say?" I'm like, "What? I was sleeping, I didn't say anything." And she's like, "No, you said something." So like, maybe I should get this app to record if I am actually saying stuff.
Could be fun.
I mean, imagine, imagine, imagine tomorrow he comes in, he was like, "I was cursing out the Hispanics in my sleep."
Yeah, oh my god, you should've heard me sleeping last night.
Oh my god.
I was going crazy.
If, if that app worked in Staten Island, I can only imagine the things that would be said.
I'm sure it does, it's an app.
Yeah. But, yeah. But you have no context as to why you counted in your sleep?
No idea, cuz I don't remember like the dream I had. One, two, one, two, three, one, two, three. Sounds, he sounds scared a little bit.
It sounds like, remember, what was that thing that people would say during Manhunt? Manhunt, manhunt, one, two, three, when they'd grab them in order to catch them?
Oh, manhunt, manhunt, one, two, three?
Maybe you were playing Manhunt in your dream, that sounds like a good dream.
I will be honest, like, that's not the first time that I've heard that, but sometime, like, an overwhelming amount of the time when that's happening, it's because like, Nicole can't sleep and she throws on the TV, so it'll show up as sleep talking.
Oh.
And if I see that, then I'm like, oh, okay, so, and then I could hear it, but...
Have you ever been able to hear what she's watching and be like, "I know what that is," from your sleep?
Yeah, like if it's like The Office or Seinfeld or something, it's kinda cool. It's not that cool.
But, uh, so usually it's that, but sometimes when I see the sleep talking thing, I'm like, oof, like I'm afraid to play it. Cause what if I just hear like, hello?
Well, that's, that's why I'm a little-
Let's leave, he's sleeping. I was like, bro chill.
That's why, like, that's why I said it could be a little spooky because what if it caught like a ghost or something? It could just be like, ah, fuck you.
Yeah, fuck you.
Yeah, I don't know. Or like, you ever see those videos of like, I think it was one, it was like a Japanese woman hid in a crawl space and this guy-
Yes, br- nah, bro, I would've-
Yo, I would've-
-lost my fucking mind.
Like, the guy like, recorded his kitchen and then in the middle of the night, like, a Japanese woman just like, crawled down and took food back into the crawl space.
Got like a bowl of cereal and bounced. Like a banana's gone.
Yeah, that would fuck me up. That would fuck me up-
Yeah, that would be freaky as hell.
Big time.
I would not deal with that very well. And also, I wear contacts every day. So, at, at the end of the night, I take my contacts out and put my glasses on. So when I go to sleep, I can't see. Like, I can see, but I like, it's dark, my vision is not the best. So, sometimes I'll just wake up in the middle of the night and look over at stuff and I'm like, you seen a person?
I'm like, yeah, like, sometimes when you, you know when you have like a, I don't have this anymore, but in, in my old apartment, I used to have like a chair in the corner that would have clothes or something. And it just looks like someone sitting there, like- I have a tree, not a tree, I have a plant, that's like a bigger plant, that's in the corner of my room. And sometimes I'm like, ah.
Well, there was one, there, we have a bush in the front yard, and every time I walk, cause like, I sleep on the side where the window is. And every time I walk, I look out and I see it and I, eh, still, I still do a double take, cause it looks like it could be someone just standing like that in my yard.
Bro, the house in LA, we, I, when, before you got there, we were like, looking at all the rooms in the house. And it was, in the bathroom, you walk into the bathroom and the wall, all the way on this side, is a, the whole thing's a mirror. So I walked in, I thought someone else was walking out on the other side, cause it was me, and I was like, oh!
That shit scared me, bro, like, cause there was that one bathroom in there, it was like a half bath, that was, the floor, the walls, the ceiling, was, not the floor, but the walls and the ceiling was just mirrors.
I don't like that.
So I go and I like, look up and I freaked myself out, because I was thinking of that scene from Weapons. Remember, you remember the scene where the dad is, you still haven't watched it yet? And I was just like, holy shit, and then I fucking saw my stream.
Wait, you go to the, you went to the bathroom and looked straight up? I look around when I pee, don't you?
I think I look at the ceiling.
I look everywhere.
There was my friend in his old apartment, he had a mirror in front.
Pink Pantheress here. Coach and Spotify are teaming up to bring music and style together, and they want you to be part of it. Grab your friends and head to the Tabby Tour, hitting cities around the country with live performances from special artists, exclusive experiences, and personalized products. And discover custom playlists on Spotify, booked just for you based on who you are and how you listen. Live your story with Coach. Learn more at coach.com.
In front of the toilet, and while you're peeing, you're just staring right back at it.
I have that in my apartment too, in one of the bathrooms. It's like, I'm peeing and I'm like, my penis is right there.
And I walked out, I was like, why do you have a dick mirror in there?
Yeah, I see my penis peeing.
I feel like bathrooms really should have just the vanity mirrors. Like, you don't need to, you don't need to put more mirrors in there. Because that, that's, you get yourself like, when you want to get yourself, you know what I mean? If, if there's like a standing mirror or one on the wall or something, you might catch a stray of yourself that you weren't expecting and you don't know what you're gonna see.
Yeah, I don't need to see my weener. Peeing. I'm good.
When's the last time you saw your weener in a mirror?
All the time?
He just said.
Oh, alright.
I mean, also like, in front of the mirror, like, when I'm getting dressed, I see, I see my weener.
Yeah, I'm like getting dressed in front of the mirror. You don't get dressed in front of the mirror?
No.
But how do you know what your clothes look like?
Because I have eyes, and I see them like this.
I know, but don't you want to see what the outfit looks like?
I mean, you know me, I, I,
I'm pretty, it doesn't take much to put together a, a blank t-shirt and sweatpants.
I guess.
What about if you like, walk past the bathroom? Usually the sink, at least above the sink has a mirror and something.
Well, that's why I said the vanity, like, so you don't see your weener in mirrors?
Whoa.
You don't see your weener in mirrors?
I don't really, I'm not a, I don't see my weener in mirrors that often.
When do you make it?
In the shower?
So, you take a sh-
Sometimes I, I wear boxers in the shower. If, like, the door is open and the girls are running in and out, I don't want them, their first memory to see daddy's balls.
Um.
It'll probably be their fifth or sixth memory.
Why can't we close the door?
Uh, sometimes I do. Sometimes I leave it open because they're like they're in the bath or they're gonna come shower with me or something like that. So I keep boxers on or swim shorts.
Okay.
I just, I don't wa- I don't want, I sadly remember my dad's balls and I don't want my kids to have that.
Yeah, I remember my dad's winner too.
That's a lot to have to parse through with a therapist eventually.
You remember your dad's penis?
No, I've only seen it like twice.
I mean, you remember that.
Yeah, that's enough to remember.
But it was when I was older. It's like, you know, sometimes you catch a glimpse at a urinal.
Older? When you're older, how do you forget?
I'm saying sometimes you ca- catch a glimpse at a urinal, you know?
Yeah, yeah. No, no. Oh, so you've like seen it peripheral?
I tried. I tried, but yeah, she gave up at the end there.
Um, so you've seen like, you know, like?
I've seen, yes. The answer's yes. I've seen, yes.
Shadows?
I mean, I've seen this thing.
My, my dad.
Not, no, you're not, you're not your dad.
No, no, no.
Yeah, I just like, so like, uh, I'm naked in the shower.
So like when you, okay, so you get out of the shower, right?
Yep.
Let's say there's no children around.
Uh, how much time are you naked for? And what I mean naked is like no towel.
I, here's my, here's what I do.
I shut the water off.
I squeegee the glass and then I put.
Every time you're squeegeeing?
Wow.
And then I put my, I, I towel and I put it around my waist and I go get my clothes.
Okay. Yeah, yeah.
And then I.
You go get your, so you go into your bedroom?
I go to my bedroom. I get my clothes, whatever I'm gonna wear, out. And then I go back into the bathroom or sometimes in the room, most likely in the bathroom, and I just get dressed right there.
You get dressed in the bathroom?
Sometimes, yeah.
Why do you get dressed in the bathroom?
I don't know. It's not like an active thing I'm doing. It's just.
What do you mean? That isn't a completely active thing. It's a different room.
No, it's not like I'm like, I'm not gonna get dressed in here. Sometimes I get dressed in my closet. Sometimes I get dressed in my room. Sometimes I get dressed in the, uh, bathroom.
I would say most of the time, probably the bathroom because, you know, like.
But you don't spend any of the travel time naked?
No. I got little kids running around, like I said, I don't, I don't, I don't want all that. I don't want it.
But you have a, you have a door.
I know. But also sometimes I'm getting out and like, you know, Beck is doing her makeup and like, you know, the kids are running in and out getting dressed or something. So I, I keep the towel around me and then I get in the bathroom and I throw my boxers on.
What if you didn't have kids, would you, are you naked walking around?
That's tough. I've never been a big fan of being naked.
You don't like being naked?
Nah, not my favorite. You know that. I've told you that.
You know that? You know that?
I've told you that. We've talked about that before.
I do, I do like it.
How much, how much time do you think in a, in a, in a, in a week do you spend naked?
Oh, not, not insanely long.
Can you narrow it down to like minutes or hours?
Um, if I had to, I'd say probably around like
in a week? We're not including like in the shower, obviously.
That's when you're naked.
Oh, I mean, but yeah, but like obviously you're naked then.
I would say like two hours a week, maybe. I'm not naked often.
I was thinking about just the time that's obviously not in the shower because everyone's naked during that. Like how often are you naked just kind of standing around?
Never. I'm never naked. I mean, that's not true, but.
Yeah. Okay. We don't, I don't know if we needed that. I'm glad you. So for what, three minutes?
Yeah, you got it. Absolutely. Nailed me.
Yeah. Pile driver over here.
Yeah, big old, big old fat dick pile driver over there. Um, but, um, I was gonna say like 20 minutes a week, maybe.
20 minutes a week?
Yeah, because I like to get.
I'm counting the shower though.
I get out of the shower and then I like I, I, sometimes I just, you know, if I'm like dry, I just take it off and then I'm kind of like doing. I don't do like a ton of stuff, but like today I was like walking around.
Your apartment is also like a lot of like windows, brother. You're not afraid.
Yeah, but no one can see in my windows.
How do you know? People, there are, there are voyeurs that have binoculars and there's like, where, let me zoom in all the way so I could see Joey.
I mean, if they did that, all the power to them. I don't, I don't think they could though.
I have windows and then there's like kids that live in the neighborhood. So like.
Yeah, you can't go into like the living room or whatever.
I mean, even my bedroom, there's big windows, you know? So like, I don't want to be naked in front of a window where there's.
And outdoors.
The, I, in my bedroom, there is a big window and I can be naked in front of it.
Because no one can see into that.
How do you know though?
Cause it's facing Manhattan.
Yeah, how do you know someone isn't across Manhattan with like an old?
Like, well then, who cares? I wouldn't care at that point.
Hotel rooms.
Naked as hell?
That's when you're the most naked?
And that's why I'll stand by the window. Cause you know, they can't really see in.
You're, you're, you...
I'll just look.
You're looking over the land like you're Simba?
Sort of.
Mufasa, come on.
Um. Well, Simba gets it eventually.
Eventually, but like, Mufasa's the one that shows him like, everything the light touches.
Yeah, just think about when I do it. Cause, you know, a lot of the times they have that glass that's like, almost a one-way mirror, they can't see in the hotels.
It's like tinted, like, super tinted.
So I'll just look out there.
If someone could see me naked from that far, what do I care? They don't know it's me.
I mean, we're starting to get big, you gotta, you gotta think about the paparazzo. They're coming for ya.
No, a paparazzi has never taken my photo, ever.
How do you know?
Well.
I feel like you do know.
Hmm?
A person runs upon you with a camera and takes your photo.
This is a real thing that you need to start thinking about. As our, as our, as our growth continues in the right direction, you have to worry about where you're naked.
If someone takes a picture of me from my apart, like, my apartment, like, finds out where I live, and takes a photo of me naked, can I sue? Isn't that crazy?
I'm sure you can, but, then it makes you look like a real asshole.
That I'm suing someone for taking?
Yeah, Joey, they'll just be like, oh, why? Joey sued us because now everyone has seen his micro cock?
Well, not fresh out the shower. Right after a workout, though.
Oh, that's, that's the best?
I don't know why, after a workout is, is like.
Dude, after I-
Am I working out in a freezer?
After I ran the half, it was inside my body.
Bro, what is that?
I don't know.
I think that's a thing.
I don't know, I, I've never, I've never ran to, to have that experience.
It's not all, it's not every time, but there are times where I like, will hit like a pretty good work, or like a run. And then I'm like, dude, this is...
You know, I, I can't-
This is a bad one.
I, I cannot speak to that.
That's what it is.
I bring my, um, underwear into the bathroom, and like my undershirt, while I'm showering, so right after the shower, I just kinda put on like my, like, bottom stuff there, and then I'll walk out.
So you're just putting it on wet?
No, no, I have a towel. I'll dry myself off like in the bathroom a little bit. I'll put on my like undershirt and underwear.
Alright, that's not, that's not crazy.
Like I'm saying, I bring my, my, my bottom stuff into the bathroom. I don't go to the bed, get the clothes and then come back to the bathroom. It just feels like a wasted trip.
Well, you also basically live with, like in a college dorm, so I can understand.
Still travel. Still travel.
I remember, bro, that was a crazy concept. There were, in my school, there were residence halls that like, the bathroom was communal, so like, you had to like, get in your towel and clothes and walk down the hall to shower.
Yeah, I do that at the gym. I take a shower at the gym naked.
But like, yeah, you're a grown ass man, but like eighteen year olds?
Weird.
But they're all.
Oh, I see what you're saying. It was weird, dude. That, like, that sense of like, a shower caddy and walking in flip flops and a towel to the bathroom past everyone's door.
And RA Frankie's like, "That towel's not gray. Give it to me now."
Give it to me right now.
You got me. Absolutely. No, there was no rules on towels. There were rules on the size of refrigerators and on certain lights.
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That was way too loud.
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Hmm.
I'm getting really good, like skilled.
At...
What'd you say?
At.
Oh, like, uh, doing a...
Doing an ad.
A commercial, yeah.
Oh!
Yeah, I agree.
You heard that, right? Like, I'm not crazy. That was a little disrespectful.
You don't think so?
I don't know. Listen, uh, there's a new trend, apparently. South Korea invented a fake shopping website where you can browse, fill a cart, and track a delivery, but nothing ever gets, uh, delivered. And it's just to, like, hit that dopamine.
Dopamine sites, baby.
Just from shopping, I guess.
That's what I'm talking about. Listen, if you're a seasoned window shopper like me, this ain't new, dog. I love doing shit like this.
I feel like that's a pretty common thing amongst women, at least in my experience. If I can throw some sexism out a little bit, I think it's a common thing amongst...
Ladies be shopping!
Yeah, I think they do be shopping and spending the money. Um, but my sister does it, Nicole does it, uh, and I think...
You do it too?
The three women in your life, yes.
The three women in my life, uh, they throw a bunch of stuff in a cart, but they don't buy it.
Well, I do that sometimes, just because I... It's like a form of, like, controlling my discipline.
Does that make sense at all?
Like you're like a shopping edging? Like you'll throw stuff in a cart that you want?
Yeah, I'm bringing myself right, I'm blue balling my shopping balls.
But will you come back to it?
Uh, it really depends. I mean, I need to, I am in, like, I go back and forth between like, I wanna buy stuff for myself and I don't. So, I'll keep stuff in a cart. And then like if I ever get in the mood where I'm like, yeah, you know what, I should just pull the trigger, I can just go right over and pull the trigger, sometimes. I also then, if it's not there anymore, or like the cookies were deleted or whatever, I'll be like, uh, it wasn't meant to be. I wasn't meant to have that Yankee hat.
Wow, okay.
You don't do that?
No, I think that like, I don't online shop often, so when I do, I'm like, going with a purpose to purchase.
Do you, how are you, like, what do you think about online shopping? Are you getting this, this, this, or this?
I almost exclusively do it. I know that you don't like it.
I hate it!
I hate online shopping.
Why? Are you worried about like, the sizing of things?
Yes, that's part of it. Also, I just, I'm a tactile person. So like, I need to see and feel something before I purchase it because I can tell if it's a good quality or not.
Yeah, I mean, you could also like, read the description.
Yeah, but that, but the description is made by the people that want you to buy it, so they might not be as forthcoming. And then I'll also check the reviews sometimes, but also, that could also be bullshit.
You know what I've been doing? Like, I will put, sometimes I'll put an item that I like, and be like, oh, I'm kinda on the fence about this. And then I'll put it into like TikTok and see if people made like review videos on it, so I could actually see it on a per-
I've done that with, um, pots and pans. I've done like, oh, I'm gonna check out if these are actually good pots and pans, because I should be like, and then you go and there's someone that dedicated their life to reviewing it, and they're like, they're alright.
You know?
You know what I do? No matter what I'm buying, I'll just put in the name of the store, or if it's, you know, whatever it is, uh, into Google and just go discount codes. Usually I find one.
That's interesting.
I'm not, I'm not kidding. A lot of places also do price match. So like if you were to go to like Target dot, I don't know if Target dot com has this. I can remember from when I was in store, but like if you go to Target and you see an item and it's 50 bucks. But then you look online at Walmart and it's listed at Walmart for 40 bucks, you'll tell them and they'll price match it for you.
See, see, I'm a lazy shopper though.
You just don't care.
You don't care at all.
Well, I just, yeah, I just, I, I don't, I don't know.
I, I, I like the dope.
Which is bad, I know.
I will say this, the worst part of, and this is one of the biggest reasons I dislike online shopping, is the waiting for it to come. That sucks.
Yeah, but it's not that long anymore.
I mean, but it's still like a day or two. I like, if I get something, I'm excited to have it and I want it right now.
But isn't it more convenient to be able to shop from your house, even if you have to wait a day or two? Uh, rather than like, I have to get up and go and go and search and. I also want to know what all of my options are and it's easier to know that online.
I mean, I think that like, well, like retail is moving away from brick and mortar stores. Like I went the other day shopping and the guy straight up just said like, oh, we don't have that, uh, in stock. It's just an online only item. And I'm like, well, why do you have a display in the store?
And he's like, because if you want it, we'll just order it online. And that's where retailers are moving toward. It's just like,
we, it's, it's easier. I guess it's bigger business and there's less overhead when they do an online store than a, a brick and mortar store.
I do think that like,
I mean, there are stores I like going to, but a lot of stores like don't have shit.
That's the thing is now it's easier for them to just keep it in a warehouse than to stock and employ.
There's certain, um, there's certain brands that I do like. And anytime I've been in their store, it's like there's slim pickings there. But then there's other stores like Zara where I'm like,
This is a good store.
Zara is the, an anomaly. I went in-
Zara's good.
I went in the other day with Becca and I was like, "There's more stuff here than I've ever seen online."
Bro, also, I gotta say this about Zara, and I, I, you know, potential, I don't know. The store, incredible. The website, the worst thing I've ever seen in my life.
Yeah, because I think it was ma- like, what I heard was that it was made to be like a magazine.
Pull up the Zara website right now.
It's horrific, dude.
Where Zara's just getting absolutely love and hate in this-
Well, that's the thing. Like, I feel okay saying that because I feel bad about, you know, I mean, they're a big corporation, they don't fucking care. Like, if this was a smaller thing, I'd feel worse, but the, the site is like, it's just hard to find shit. See, this is what we're talking about.
Oh wait, yeah, where, well, there's a search in the top right.
Oh, and it's over. What are we doing here?
No one's gonna see this, so, I mean, I feel bad for those people watching, but-
I mean, imagine Zara and Zara, like, whoever Zara is, is watching and they're just like, I imagine a German name like Zara, she's like, "This is so mean." What are we, what are, all these lines?
Yeah, and then you have to go to like-
What the hell is that?
I mean, I don't know, but-
Benyo?
And then you gotta go to man, and then you gotta go to the shop all- Go to shop all. I mean, this is ridiculous what we're doing now. This is not part of the podcast, but it's fine. The point is, I don't, I'm not a fan of the website, but I think that they're closed and being in the store.
Yeah, I've gotten some stuff from them that I, that I enjoy, but like, it is like, but that's what I mean, like, the shopping experience for me, it's more rewarding than the conveniences for doing it at home. Because then it comes to your, then you have to wait for it, then it comes to your house, and then what if you don't like it? Then you need to go out of your way to ship it back, which, yes, they give you like, most of the time, they give you like a free shipping label or whatever, but like, then you need to package it, you need to put the label on it, which, "Oh, do you have a box? Hope you have a box." If not, you gotta go get a box, or you gotta bring it to UPS, and they got-
Well, you go to UPS, they have boxes.
I know, but like, it's fucking, you, like, wha- This is so annoying. I like going to a store and being like, "I like that."
You've never gone to a store and then bought something and brought it home and put it on and been like, "I fucking hate this."
No. Not once.
I feel like I've done that.
I have not one. Also, like, if I am unsure about, like, fit or how I'm gonna look, I'll just try it on at the store.
I'd rather just let shit rip online, because I also like getting boxes and it's like, "Ooh, Chris might as well open up a box."
I know! I love getting boxes. Like, that's the thing, is like, I don't like online shopping, but I love getting packages, so like, I want someone to online shop for me on my behalf and send it to me so I can be surprised and happy when it comes.
What a world you live in, buddy.
Yeah, I don't know. I, uh, I'm...
You know what? I'm gonna give you homework.
I'm also not really good at returning things.
I'm bad.
I'm not good with it either.
I, like, especially if it's like a t-shirt. Like, if I got a t-shirt and it was like 20 something bucks, like, "I waited this long, it showed up, I'm not gonna return this, unfortunately."
See, this is the thing, this is-
And I know that's a luxury, and that's a stupid thing to do with your money, but...
I, in my opinion, shopping online for something remedial like a t-shirt is so stupid. Like, a t-shirt is a t-shirt. You can find a t-shirt, you will not go out and have trouble finding t-shirts.
But I'm not buying just a white t-shirt.
I mean, regardless, like, the shirt that you're wearing.
Yes.
I'm not, I'm not referencing the quality or anything of it, but like, you can go out and find a shirt that's similar, if not the exact same one, somewhere.
The thing is, though, sometimes I'll go like this. I'll say, "I need a green pa- which I'm still on the hunt for, a, uh, olive-green pa- pair of pants that I like, right?"
You're still on the hunt for, like, someone's gonna be like, "I got you, Joe."
Well, I've been trying to find, like, a good pair that I'm, like, seeing and I'm like, "Oh, I like these, but I can't find a good one." But, so I, I, I, if I find a site that has those pants, what's going on? Um, that has those pants, I'm not gonna just buy the pants.
You're gonna buy extra?
I'm gonna get a few things.
So, okay.
Because I'm like, I don't wanna just, because if I open a box and it's only got one thing in it, I'm like the kid from Harry Potter. I'm like, "Last year, there was thirteen..." Like, I need more shit in here.
When is, since when is Dursley or Dudley like Hispanic there? Thirty four.
I was, I think I, my tongue was going crazy there.
I just, like a t-shirt, if you're online shopping and one of the items that you're getting is a t-shirt. In my opinion, I understand what you're doing where it's like, I bought other stuff and then I'll just throw this in there. But like, if you're online shopping and it's for t-shirts, just go out, just go out to a store.
Yeah, I want, I, I mean, rarely does that happen that I'll just like, I'm just gonna.
Also, I've boughten clothes off Amazon.
Boughten.
Purchased.
Sure.
That feels wrong, right?
You what?
I've purchased clothes from Amazon. That feels wrong. Like, Amazon is not for clothes.
I feel like everyone does that.
It's for like, lighters and
stuff like that.
I've bought clothes on Amazon.
I have too, but I'm saying like, it feels like, wrong.
I mean, it's Amazon, there's like, everything.
I know, but it's just.
I've bought like, weird shit on Amazon.
I'm telling you now, if and when Amazon starts selling like, luxury items, all of retail is going down the drain. All of retail is going down the drain.
I think that would defeat the purpose.
Well, yes, absolutely, you know, but.
Luxury items can't be that accessible.
I think, I, I think I actually saw that. I think it's like Longines, the, the watch company. I think they sell on Amazon now. And that dude.
How much are those watches?
I don't know, honestly. I, I imagine they're expensive, like, at least a thousand.
Yeah, I've seen some items on there that are like, it's like a generator or something that's like, two grand.
Is there anything on Amazon that you would buy, that you wouldn't buy? Cause you're like, I wouldn't get this from Amazon.
I, I think that I would get anything from Amazon.
Especially like, bro, pretty much exclusively underwear, socks. If I'm purchasing them, I'm gonna just get them from Amazon.
Really? No, I, I don't like it. And maybe, maybe I'm being a boomer, but like.
Underwear, I'll buy from places that, uh.
As an add-on, like I'll throw an underwear, sometimes.
But like, I need to feel the undies. I need to feel them.
But I know what they are.
No, so like if I go to Target and I like a pair of underwear, I'll like try to, you know how they have that thing at the bottom where it's like, feel me? And it's like a little cut out?
I'll like dig my finger in there.
You'll finger it?
Just, I'll finger the bag just to see if I could feel that it's a good pair of boxers.
Am I wrong?
I mean, no, I mean, I'm not judging you. I just, I just, I don't care that much.
I don't care what the item is, if there is a little like, try me or feel me cut out in the packaging, a finger's going in.
You know what I mean?
If I'm walking around Toys R Us and all the toys are like, try me, finger me, or whatever, well, they're not gonna say finger me. What was it? Feel me?
Feel me.
I'm, I'm doing it.
Hundred percent.
They, they got me.
Because like, or like, it's like a toy that has the like, on the back of the box, it has like the string that you could pull. I'm an adult, I'm gonna pull it.
Ripping the string.
I don't care, dude.
If you're gonna give me the opportunity to try something in a store, I'm going to try it.
This is a stupid thing, but like, you know when, uh, toys, like the battery, the pack in the back? It kinda has like a plastic thing that you rip and then the batteries will work?
I fucking love that.
I do too, cuz it always comes out so smooth.
I also love when you can put batteries in something and there's that like piece of-
Of like ribbon?
And you pull it out?
And then you pull it out like you're fucking killing it?
You know, like you're ripping it inside out?
When you get an iPhone and this case, the screen for the first time, you're like, eh.
I fucking love that shit.
I, I-
Do you keep that on? Are you that guy?
Sometimes, sometimes.
Oh, no!
Sometimes. I've had like TVs and, and stuff like that.
TVs?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that I've kept it on for years.
Why? The screen, what are you, throwing tomatoes at the screen?
I, I mean, it's just to keep, it's an extra layer of protection to keep it cleaner.
But you're not getting the full experience of the TV that you just bought.
No, because there's a screen on it.
I don't have the eyes to be able to go, "You know what? This isn't 1080p."
You definitely do.
No, I do definitely not.
You do definitely not? You don't have good eyes?
Not for like-
You squint a lot.
Don't you dare say that like that.
Don't you?
I do. But you're not allowed to say it.
Wait, when you go to the eye doctor, what do they say to you?
I've, I got to the eye doctor-
Because they're not good once in a while. Like, clearly, there's something going on.
I've got-
You're starting to piggyback on me, and I don't like it.
But they don't tell you get contacts or anything?
Uh, no. I mean, I have glasses, and I haven't gone in like, three years.
What's your prescription, do you know?
I don't know the actual number. Ever since my employer got me vision, uh, vision insurance, I've made it a thing to like, I wouldn't got glasses.
What the fuck was with that, by the way? Because when we got insurance, you were like, going crazy about the vision, but now you don't wear glasses.
Because I, I wear them mostly for drives, because I was finding that after long drives, I was having headaches.
You're squinting the whole time.
I don't know if I, I don't think I'm squinting.
Danger.
Danger now! I'm doing it now because I'm angry! This is an angry squint. Both of you, you fucks. Um, I have a pair of glasses now, and I'll get another one. How about that?
I'll get two more.
What is that gonna do to me? I don't know, you're acting like that's my punishment. But we do have some more sponsors, then maybe we should get to those instead.
Yeah, you probably should.
Yeah, let's get to that. Um, we have another sponsor, Wayfair, okay? Wayfair, they make furniture, they make furniture for everything, okay? I have bought in so much Wayfair, um, there's a bunch of Wayfair in my apartment at the, at the current time. Um, but they are affordable, they have every single piece of furniture that you could possibly think of. I mean, they have outdoor furniture, indoor furniture, rugs, uh, couches, cabinets, whatever you need. It's, it's like they have everything. Um, so whenever I'm shopping for a new, you know, piece of furniture, I will go to Wayfair first because I think that with the price, the affordability, with, you know, the quality that you usually get, it's great. And right now, summer's coming, outdoor seating, grills, major appliances, storage, patio furniture, things like that.
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So just to put a bow on that conversation, what are your thoughts on this whole dopamine sites where they're fake online shopping?
I don't know that I would get anything from that. I get more, like I do get something out of, because I do find myself shopping online when I'm like bored.
Like you'll go look up things to buy?
Yeah, like if I'm just sitting on my couch and, you know, I'm just kind of like, whatever, I'll be like, you know what, maybe I'll buy some clothes. I'll like go to the sites that I like to go to and see if there's anything.
Do you think online shopping makes it feel less like shopping than shopping in store? And that's why people are like more-
Isn't that shopping?
But like, isn't it, like, that's why people are more inclined? Because there's a sense of like, I'm not physically handing money over to someone. I'm not physically taking my card out and doing it. It's just like, now you can preload your card, your credit card or debit card, into your phone, and you can literally see something and just click one button, and you're done.
What was the question?
Do you think that online shopping is, people are so in love with it because it feels less like shopping than actual in-store shopping?
I think it's just convenience. Like, you don't have to get up and go.
Why does everything need to be convenient, though?
Like, I agree that things shouldn't be like that. Personally, for me, I don't like- I I never felt compelled to go out and go shopping, not a thing that I like.
Oh, I like it. I feel like it's like nice to like, you also feel like rewarding. Like it feels rewarding, like you're looking for something and then you go and you find it. You're like, I gotcha.
But it's rare that I know what I'm looking for before I see it.
Yeah, like I I don't, I I know, like.
You don't go in.
Something.
You don't go in saying like, I have this event or this something coming up and I want to get clothes for that.
But I, so, no.
Like, that's what I, because we're going on vacation soon and like, my approach was just like, oh, I want to get something for the vacation for like.
The beachy, you know, stuff like that. So like, you go in with like, an idea, at least a general structure. You're going in just fucking raw dogging stores?
Yeah, isn't, I feel like that's what makes shopping more fun, is when you don't know exactly what you want. So you're going in, you're browsing, you're like, oh, look at that.
I feel like that makes it more dangerous. If you go with like a sense of like, yeah, it's like going to the supermarket hungry. If you're going to a store just because you want to shop, like, you're doing yourself a disservice. You should be going and just like.
But what do you describe, are you describing something that's different than what I'm saying? Like, if I'm, if I know, because I'm going to Portugal soon, of like, I need some new clothes for Portugal, but I don't know what I want. I'm just go.
Simple flex.
What's a simple flex? Going to Portugal?
No, I I I hear what you're saying. I just feel like.
Will you go to stores knowing like, I want that item?
Yeah. Sometimes, that has happened.
How do you know that, like you?
Because sometimes I'll look up and I'll say like, oh, Target carries it. And I'll, I'll go to Target for that item.
You know, because I don't like waiting. The waiting, the waiting is the hardest part. You remember that song, Tom Petty? Yeah, it's a good one. Uh, I I just, because then I buy it and then it's like, it'll be there in two and a half days. And those two days, I'm just seeing refresh, refresh, refresh, all the shipping, you know, notifications. And I just want it. Give me what I bought.
I, I don't know, that's interesting. But you're talking about convenience. What about patience?
Fuck 'em both.
Well, there you go. It's solved.
I do it, I do it more as like a disciplined thing. Like you said, I'm edging my, my shopping skills.
Do you shop a lot?
Not a lot.
Do you fake shop a lot?
Oh, yeah.
Often.
Every day?
I, I have like, like two dozen tabs on my phone right now of stuff that I've added into carts.
I can't even think about that.
I'd never have tabs.
Oh, I have like, cause I, I use Google Chrome and it'll say like inactive, like I haven't opened them in like two weeks or something like that and I go to a separate tab. I'll just go in and reopen all of them, just so they're all there.
What is that about? You can't even throw away tabs? You can't even throw away tabs?
I'm gonna throw them away. I'll throw them away right now.
No, I don't, not Frankie. I don't want to be the reason why you're throwing these tabs away. You're not doing anything. Frank, no one's gonna think anything of you because you changed your tabs. Just keep your tabs.
Yeah, we're thinking of something right now. We're thinking, you know.
I think that if anything, it makes me a more disciplined person and better than you.
I feel like, uh, so how, so you say like every day you'll throw something in a cart?
Every day.
Just to do it?
Yeah, why not? And like things that I have no intent on buying sometimes too. Like I'm not going to buy, you know, a new like watch right now, but I'll just go and I'll be like, that's a nice one. I'll put it in the cart and then I'll just back away like that episode of Homer, uh, The Simpsons where Homer's in the bush.
You know, I'm just like.
Don't you like get an email and they're like, hey, you left something back here?
Sometimes, sometimes I do, yeah, but sometimes.
That's a good email, dude.
I hate the, I don't, that's why I don't give, when you go to, the times you go to brick and mortar stores and they say like.
What's your email?
Uh, what's your email? What do you say?
I give them my email.
Oh, I say, no, thank you.
Well, I'm not brave, so I can't say that.
I, I, the guy goes.
I'd say actually my social, I'd probably give it up, honestly.
The, I was shopping the other day and the guy goes, uh, can I get your email? And I go, oh, no, thanks. And he goes, just, it's for the, uh, receipt. And I go, I'll take a paper receipt. And he goes, this guy's relentless. That's what he said to me.
I mean, yeah, I mean, at the same time, I think that like, bro, stop.
I just, like anytime a, a business asks for your phone number or your email, just say no. Just say no.
Part of my, part of, I guess that's part of the reason why I don't even like online, uh, in-person shopping.
Because you have to deal with people?
It's a whole song and dance.
Well, Zara now has self-checkouts.
Do they?
So you can go up, buy your shit and get out of there. You don't need to get checked out by a nineteen-year-old that has like eight bracelets on one arm.
Why do they all like that?
Dude, and they're big.
Like, all the people that work at Zara are like covered in bracelets like it's Coachella.
Yes, yes. And then you go across to like Zumiez and it's just like the skaters.
I've never been inside of a Zumiez.
I've been inside of a Zumiez before.
You should go to Journeys all the time, though.
Uh, yeah, Journeys. I've, I, I've gone to Journeys. I don't know if I've ever bought anything at a Journeys.
Oh, I have.
I like, I love going in there and being like, let's see what they have. They've had the exact same stuff since 2006.
There's nothing different.
See, that's the other thing, too. If I like, if I'm like, alright, I need to shop for a trip, and then I go to the mall, and I go to the mall and I see, I don't see a lot of stuff that I like, then I'm like, yo, I just wasted a whole day on this, when I could just be sitting on my couch and like going to five stores at once.
Ooh, ooh. Look at your standards. Lower them a little bit, just to get something that scratches the itch.
What?
Lower your standards a little.
What does that mean?
Well, like, you don't need to be like, I have this idea in my mind. If you see something that's kind of along the lines of what you want, just get that. You're already there.
Well, I know, I'm not gonna do that.
That's stupid.
How is that stupid?
Because I said so.
Right. I'd rather just, I'd rather be able to be like, okay, let's see what they got over here, or whatever. Like, a lot of places are, are like dropping new stuff all the time, so I'm like, what's new? I wanna check out what's new at this store. So I'll just go and I'll look. I won't put something in my cart unless I'm buying it.
How do you feel about, alright, how do you feel about, I'm gonna give you three places, you tell me you rank.
That's six. Go ahead.
I'm gonna give you three places, you rank your favorite to least favorite, okay?
A strip mall?
An outlet?
Are those different?
What's a strip mall?
Like, a strip mall is like...
Like Portobello?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that, but like, if there's stores there.
And that's...
Just like a mini-city of stores.
It's like a little village of stores.
Oh, okay, there's like walkways.
Yeah, and it's also different, like, it's like, they're like... The clothes that didn't sell well on, like, actual price, they send them over to the outlet.
Right, yeah. It's like one floor of a mall.
Yes, or like, a mall proper.
Um...
But the outlets are normally outside, too.
Yeah, I don't... I haven't spent too much time at outlets, because they don't really exist out where I am right now.
In New York City?
Yeah, like, they don't have outlets.
Yeah, but you can, they're very popular outlets not that far from here.
Yeah, and I've gone to them a couple of times, but eh... Um...
Which ones do I, like, hate going to, or which ones do I respect the least?
Oh, that's, are those different answers?
Yeah. Okay.
I think I know which one you're gonna say you respect the least.
Shopping malls.
Like, like a mall?
Like Queen Center Mall.
No, I, I respect a mall, I hate a mall.
Because it's like, I, it's like, I, I just don't like it.
Why? Are you one of those people that walk in and you're just like, capitalism?
No, I, I like, I hate a food court. Oh...
Shut up, dude!
You like the food court?
Food courts are the best parts of every mall.
We're all adults and we're back in fifth grade lunch.
Bro, the, the, the quality of a mall, it lives and dies with the quality of its food court.
I will not eat...
That is so crazy to me, dude.
I hate a food court, it's insane.
Dude, a food court is so cool, where else can you see Taco Bell and a fucking Chinese restaurant? And Sabaro's coexisting in the same fucking breathable space?
Ten very different cuisines, all lined up next to each other, and then I'm gonna... I'm gonna take a, a high school tray back to my table. What are we doing?
This guy is so, oh, well, let me guess, you want them all separated and you don't want them to all talk at all? You want segregation of the food chain stores.
It's all fast food.
It is, but who cares?
Me, I don't want it.
A lot of them are now like, it's becoming a thing where like malls are like, like they're like veering away or staying away from like big chain places like that. Because our, the current generation of people that are spending a lot of time at the mall are a lot more health conscious.
So like, it'll be more like poke bowls and healthy salad places and stuff like that. So, uh, it's changed dude, you gotta go to a food court.
And then there's like-
I literally don't need that.
Yes, you do.
Why would I need to go to a food court?
Because of fucking food, bro, a food court is everything at times that is right with this country dude. Everything, like, don't make me do this Joey, you know-
I don't like it dude.
You know why I'm passionate about food courts.
Well, what does that mean? What, what were you gonna say?
I think he should go too, I think we should, I think it'll bring him back.
Oh yeah, let's, let's go on a field trip to a food court, what are we talking about guys?
Dude, and then you go and you always get free samples of the greatest tasting orange chicken you've ever had in your life. And then you get it from the Chinese spot and it comes in, it comes by weight. They give you eight pounds of rice and noodles and orange chicken that doesn't taste like the sample you just had.
No, it doesn't. I don't, I don't like the idea of any of this, I don't know why you guys even enjoy it, the way you're describing it doesn't even sound good.
Because it is, it is at times, everything that is right with this country. It is the beauty of coexisting among different people with the shared goal of wanting to consume food in the basement of a mall most of the time.
Yeah, it's, why is it always in the fucking basement?
It is always often in the-
There's no windows-
It is.
It's in a basement. And I'm, and I'm like, I'll just eat before I get here.
No dude.
I'm not going to the mall shopping starving, I don't like, I don't need to get Panda Express right now.
Here are the rules, here are the rules, I, I, I'll-
I'll get a pretzel though.
I was-
Ooh. I'm not against, you know what I'm not against? Kiosks, I'm not against those.
So here's the way to do it, go to a mall, get a pretzel. And I'm talking at Auntie Anne's, if Wetzel's still exists, Wetzel's is fine as well. But you get one of those fucking whatever they actually are mall pretzels.
Yeah, they're ridiculous.
You eat that with a fountain drink, it could be water, it could be soda. Whatever. And then you shop and then you go to the food court with all your bags and you're like, "Let me go and get a fucking empanada from this place that is not gonna be here in a week and a half."
Just not, not my vibe at all.
Oh yeah, you made it sound worse somehow.
How? Also, I'm done shopping?
And then I'm going to the food court?
Or you could go in the middle!
Yeah, it has to be before.
But like, here's my thing, when would you go to the food court? Going after you're already done shopping, to me is like-
Yeah, just go home.
What are we doing? I could go anywhere right now.
Because you smell the beautiful aroma of the combination of a cheesy gordita crunch, a Sabaro's six inch thick slice of pizza with the reddest pepperoni you've ever seen in your life, and then a fucking three piece of Popeyes fried chicken.
Life-
Ooh, if there's a Popeyes, I'll do that.
Life begins-
In a food court?
In a food court dude.
No, life doesn't.
And then you go and you're like, "Wait, why are Taco Bell-" it like blows your mind and you're like, "Taco Bell and Popeyes are boys that they share a counter and like you could get them both there together?"
No. No.
You have lost your way. I fear-
I legitimately have.
I fear that you have lost your way.
Because I don't like food courts?
And I don't like malls.
You forgot where you came from.
I came from the food court?
You came- a- a- a version of Joe Santayana was birthed in the food court basement of Queen Center Mall.
No he wasn't, I've hated it my entire life.
No, no.
Frank, when did I go to the food court?
There were times we had gone together because you would take the bus sometimes to meet up with me there.
I- and I've- I've- I've done it before, but like, I didn't like go to the mall a lot.
I feel like the food court and like that mall was such a big part of the prep experience.
It- yeah, because the bus dropped you at the door, in between both of the bu- buildings.
My entire high school career, I've probably walked into that mall, like, when I got dropped off there, like, under ten times.
Whoa, wow, okay.
I used to- I- well, you know, I- my- my like middle slash high school girl- high school girlfriend, I used to- Pick her up from the bus there and then we would go in, she'd get a drink from her Dunkin' Donuts and we'd walk the mall a little bit.
I just wasn't.
And we would go see the Awesome Warner Brothers store and be like, "That's a fucking cool store, dude."
Oh my god, Yellow Rat Bastard.
We could see Yellow Rat Bastard upstairs, then we can go downstairs and go to Spencer's and we could fucking
You got it.
See if they have
Dildos.
Nipple gummy worms or some shit.
Hell yeah.
Yeah. And they had a GameStop right by the food court.
The GameStop, that's where I pre-ordered and got and waited online for Super Smash Brothers Brawl. I used to go every day, I would pick up my then-girlfriend and I would give three dollars every day. Cause I would save, my mom would give me three dollars in the morning to get breakfast and I wouldn't. And I would just eat breakfast at school, cause it was free. Way to go, ma. And I would, every day I would bring three dollars that I'd go to the mall. Eventually, after a couple of weeks, I paid it off and I got my Super Smash Brothers Brawl.
Wow. So I mean, I, yeah, I don't have nostalgic ties to the mall. I respect it as a building because I, if we're gonna do this, I'd like it to be contained in a building.
All stores should be in a building, in a, in a, like a contain, a, let's, let's call it a confinement.
Well, if we're going to make something insane where it's just like, let's put as many stores as possible in one place, like, okay, let's just put them in a building.
Mm-hmm.
And we'll close it off.
So you're, what you're saying-
There's no fucking windows.
What you're saying is you wanna separate the stores that you like and don't like and put all the ones that you don't like in a building where they can't get out.
No, I'm not saying that. I'm saying that like, if we're like, oh, we're gonna do, we're gonna shop and you wanna put them all and you want there, you want it to be like a prison and it's just gonna be no windows, like, I get it. I respect the fact that the mall exists. The, the outlets are, you know.
Uh, there, you, you, you pick a side. Be something, like stand for something.
I mean, they are outlets. They are, they are the kind of middle, like, they are the clothes that are-
They try to be parks, kinda.
It'll be like, oh, you wanna shop at J, J Crew? Here's the J Crew factory outlet. Oh, and everything in here is 85% off. And you're like, what the fuck?
Where am I?
I, I, I don't. Also, when, when, when there's really good deals at all the stores out, out of an outlet- I'm like, wha- what's going on?
I get suspicious. I do too.
Like, I don't like this. Like, I feel like I'm being, like, um, you know, someone's doing something.
I agree. I think like, it's like, the closest I've ever gotten to feeling like I'm in the Truman Show. When I walk into a place and everything is on sale at all the stores I wanna go to, I'm like, who the fuck did this?
Yeah, and also, I don't like when the signs are bright orange, 80% off. I'm like, what the fuck?
Everything must go. Now I just feel bad for you. I wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna help you.
Yeah, what do you think, everything must go? I don't work here. You throw it out. What the fuck? I don't want it either. No one wanted it.
Yeah, I, I, I'm with you on that one. When they're just like, going out of business, everything must go. And I'm just like, ugh.
Everything doesn't have to go. And it definitely doesn't have to go home with me.
Yeah, I'm shocked, Joey.
I like that they're a little bit outdoors. I don't like that they're this in-between. Like, they like to be, they put trees, they like to be like a park or whatever. It's like, yo, you're a fucking mall, but not even really. Like, you're almost a mall?
Put a roof on this thing and call yourself a mall.
Malls are cool, man. And I'm sorry that I do-
I like a strip mall.
I do feel that you have lost your way.
I haven't.
I do feel like that. So much of the American experience is going to a shopping mall. And I think that we're seeing-
That's terrible.
We're, I know. And we're seeing that now because all the people that are here for the World Cup are like, experiencing America.
And they're like, seeing a cheeseburger in a shopping mall, and they're, it's some poor Norwegian person that's never been here before, and they're like, what is this?
Yeah. What's the mall called?
The American Dream. Yo, that place is-
You could surf.
You could snowboard, you could surf, you can go in a water park. A full, like, I've been to a full water park there, dude.
You went to the water park in the mall?
Yeah, a couple of years ago. We brought, cause it's like, um- They have a theme park, a Nickelodeon theme park, and then a full fucking water park with like a lazy river and a fucking wave pool.
I can't, I can't get behind any of this.
Yeah, I don't know about all. And then you could go outside and you could go and get a shirt from fucking, you know, Aerie.
What is that?
I don't know, it's just a store, the first one I thought of when I, or like then you go downstairs and there's, you know, Anthropologie.
Or Francesca's, is that one of them?
I don't think I could do a lazy river in a mall, Frank. What part of me is going to a, a water park in a fucking mall?
Yo, to be fair, it was kinda not the worst.
You, you miss out on the best part about being at the water park, the sun.
I mean, no, the whole ceiling is like.
Fluorescent lights, like where bugs?
It's like, it's like a, like a see-through glass, so the sun is still coming in, but you're in a fish tank, basically.
Yeah, and it smells like iguanas.
I will say that, it does smell like iguanas.
Bro, I, I went to that mall recently, I'm like, this whole place smells like iguanas.
Dude, that.
I hate the mall, bro.
I love the mall, dude.
But all the, the floors in a mall are, are a bathroom floor, and I don't like that.
It's not charming, although the one that we went to in Texas, I was like, this is a nice mall.
Guess what it was? A luxury mall. Apparently the mall at Short Hills, appar- yes, it was. It had a Rolex dealership.
Yeah, that's amazing, yeah, that store, but it's not like.
Like it's a car.
But there was like a Lids, there was like not luxurious stores.
So there are, malls are doing now that I have seen, I'm, I'm keyed in on malls, Joey.
Clearly.
Is they're trying to transition toward being like, half luxury, half, um, like, kind of like regular consumer stores. So like, there's a mall I went to, which it currently holds the record for my favorite mall, um, it, it, it's, what's so funny about that?
How, how far is the gap between first and second place?
I'll do a better one. How many malls are on this fucking list?
At least five or six.
I've been to like four malls in my life.
The big mall.
It's called the King of Prussia Mall. It's like half like luxury because think about it, the people that are shopping luxury in store are people of an older demographic. So like,
Uh huh.
They have, so they have like YSL, Rolex, Breitling, Chanel, and then you go further down and you'll find your Journeys.
You know, your Color Me Mine, your, you know, fucking Cinnabon.
I'll do, I'll do, I'll even, I'll meet you here because it's not about luxury. I went to recently the, uh, in, um, What's it called? Hudson?
Hudson Yards?
Hudson Yards, Jesus. Um, Hudson Yards, like the vessel, like there's like a mall kinda in there. And those are all like luxurious places. Didn't like that.
I, but, but, ah, man, I don't know. Like apparently the mall at Short Hills is really nice. I've never gone, but apparently it's really, really nice.
I can't do a mall.
I love malls because it reminds me of where I came from, which is something that we all need to hold hands and hold on to.
But I didn't come from a mall.
You kinda did though.
I didn't. There's not even a mall near us.
You were birthed in the Queen Center Mall.
I was not.
Do you remember how fucking cool we felt going to Roosevelt Field Mall and just being like,
Damn, we're going shopping at Rusey?
Yeah, I went to Roosevelt Field Mall.
And you felt rich.
Well, I assumed that everyone there was rich.
And you felt like you're walking amongst them.
First of all, I felt poor going there.
Well, because they had a lawn, they felt rich. The reality is you laugh in their face now, bitch.
I, I, I, I've never liked a mall. It has nothing to do with that. And we didn't grow up going to the mall. We did grow up going to that strip mall.
We did. We grew up hanging out in the strip mall. That's fine.
We would hang outside of a subway on a bench. That was like most of our childhood.
That was. That strip mall was, uh, like a department, whatever, like whatever. It was Genevieve's, then it was Eckerd, then it was Rite Aid, then who knows what it is now.
Then it was a pet store.
Then next to it was a pet store.
And then next to that was the entrance to the gym. And then it was like the headquarters for like the ironworkers union.
And then it was Subway, and then it was.
King Ch- oh no, Portobello.
Portobello, then King China Buffet.
Now it's like a 99 cent store, I think.
Is it?
I think so.
I couldn't tell. And then there was like a magnazium. That's where the teen club was.
That's where we used to go and fucking.
There was a teen club at the end of that.
At 13, brother.
Yeah dude, you'd walk past Subway, a pet store where I used to buy a ton of crickets, to get to the place where we would go shake our asses.
To go fucking listen to, to, to D4L.
Yeah, and Sean Paul.
And drink a Shirley Temple.
While someone weirdly overage was there.
I would wear, I would wear a button down that fit my oldest brother and not me.
Cause I thought that's what you were supposed to wear.
A hundred percent. I would wear a shirt that elicited, that, that, excuse me, I would wear a shirt that assumed that I was a cocaine dealer.
To, to, to.
Not, not only a cocaine, cocaine dealer, but the best ever.
Best, the best cocaine dealer.
Yeah, like the one.
The one that had all a decked snow, man. Uh, man, I, I, I, you know, maybe, maybe the mall is a thing for me. I do feel like you were there more than you're giving it credit for.
I really didn't spend that much time in malls. Did you do that? You probably went to the mall a lot, cause you live near the mall.
We were a big part, like, when you said the mall wasn't part of your prep experience, I believe you, because that, that was a big thing why I liked the mall, is because after prep, we used to go to the mall all the time.
Yeah, like.
The bus left you right there.
And then we would sometimes like kinda just walk.
But you live.
Yeah, well, I live much, I live mu- much closer.
Like, we weren't near the mall. We had to like take the fucking bus to the mall, which I'm like.
Train, the train went, the R went right to the stop, to the door of the mall.
I've done that too.
That's what I used to do, is I used to, after middle school, I'd get on the R train.
Yeah, but getting in the R sucked. You had to take the fucking end to the R.
The R sucks.
Or I would take the bus to the R.
My, my middle school was down the block from the R train.
Uh, well, see, yeah, that's different.
And then I would go, I'd meet my girlfriend there, we'd hang out, and then I'd take the R train to drop her off, that left her at her school, I mean, at her house, then I'd just walk home.
Yeah, I mean.
The mall, man.
It was out of, it was out of.
And you don't remember the gay hairdresser at the mall? You remember the Queen Center Mall?
Wait, is that the guy who used to just spray you with shit?
Yes!
Yeah, there was a gay guy at the mall.
Bro, look up Queen Center Mall.
Is he gonna pop up?
I guarantee he will come up.
There's no.
Queen Center. Queen Center Mall gay hairdresser.
Notorious gay guy there who, uh, would sell, he was selling like perfumes and stuff, and he would just let it rip on you.
Oh yeah, you walked by, you were getting it.
It's like, it hit me in the mouth multiple times. I was like, dude.
But also like, was just flat up, like, flat out doing people's hair next to the escalator, like.
That's what they do, the kiosks, man. Bro, do you know, have you, when was the last time you were in Sephora?
Uh, couple, maybe within the last two years?
Bro, Sephora is a battle zone, dude. Like, it's a battleground.
Brother, Macy's!
People are fu- Sephora's insane because there is women everywhere, they're, like, everything's, and it's just, it's madness. Then there's three people getting their makeup done professionally.
Yup.
In the middle of the store, before you even get to the register, also they have a wild return policy. Like, you could return this thing like after you've used it, they don't care.
Like, it's like, what is this store?
Macy's is the same way. Macy's, you walk in and it's like the fragrance section, you're going through like, chemical warfare, basically.
I feel that way about Yankee Candle. I walked into one, I shit my pants because of the, my, my body didn't know how to process all of it at once.
Not only that, Bath and Body Works, that's a store with a lot of smells, dude.
You, the deeper you get into Bath and Body Works, the, just the nerve endings in your nose are just burnt away.
Because you're like, wait a sec, I could smell apple here, peach over there, vetiver over there, lavender, like, you, you, it's all over the place.
I do like Bath and Body.
Dude, malls are awesome, and they're going away, which also sucks, but also doesn't suck.
I used to fuck up Bath and Body Works, to be honest. I would, you know, I had a streak of every time I walked in there, I would accidentally spend a hundred fifty bucks.
Accidentally.
I would, we would get, we, so, before COVID, we went in like, not thinking we should go, and they had like, for like, they had dollar hand sanitizers that were eighty percent or seventy percent alcohol, and we went and bought like thirty.
Just to have, and then we were like, then covid came, we were like, oh, we're kind of okay. Because remember like-
Wait, there was no covid and you ripped thirty dollar hand sanitizer?
Just like for-
Because like, we would keep some in the, in the house, some in Becca's bag, some in the car.
Thirty.
That's a, that's a lot.
I mean, but we-
You're huge on sanit- hand sanitizer.
I, I love my hand saney, handy saney.
I don't know, man.
And look, we're all better off for me doing that. And by we, I mean me.
Which, in theory, is also you and you.
Sure. Alright. Um, well, yeah, I guess, I mean, maybe I'm in the minority. I'm sure people love malls, but I, I just, I'd never really liked the mall.
Malls. I'll ride for malls, always. Unless they do some stupid shit. There's a mall in Jersey that sucks ass, dude, and they deserve to not be around anymore.
Whoa, why?
Just because they suck.
Oh, well. Also, food courts can go to, straight to hell.
Nah, that's crazy, dude.
Go to hell.
I'm not even joking, like, I know sometimes you accuse me of like, just like, trying to bait you and rage bait you. That is legitimately upsetting to me.
That's crazy. That's like, enjoying airport food. You're like, oh my god, I love the airport.
No, it's different. It's, it's, it's the communal experience.
The airport is a food court.
The, it's, it's a communal experience. Airports try to appear like they're like restaurants, but it's just, it's, it's fast food.
What is a food court then?
It's fast food appearing as fast food.
Hmm, I, I don't know how that's better, but let us know in the comments if you think, uh, if I'm, if I'm just being too bougie and I don't, I don't like food courts or malls.
I think you might be.
Maybe. Um, but yeah, I guess that's all. Frank, where are you gonna find you?
The Frank Alvarez all over social media, patreon.com slash thebasementyard, and thebasementyard everywhere.
And?
You can find me at Ant Prisco.
And go follow me at Joe Santagato, go follow the show at thebasementyard on TikTok and Instagram, and that is all. See you guys next time.
Beautiful.
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Page updated October 29, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated