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Transcript 17,377 words · 5 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:01 Speaker 00 Somewhere out there is a Chevy truck. And the person who drives it, well, is a Chevy person. You probably know one. Your buddy, your sister. Ones who always show up. They're the first to rise, the last to leave. They always have that little extra something. And maybe you've got it too. Chevrolet, together let's drive. Visit chevy.com/trucks to explore the lineup.
0:35 Adam Friedland? Welcome to the Adam Friedland Show. Guest today, happy Thanksgiving, happy Turkey Day.
0:39 Speaker 02 Yeah, I was saying it. Well. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.
0:45 Adam Friedland? And happy Kwanzaa to all of those who celebrate.
0:48 Speaker 02 When does that start? It's got a, is it, do they have a black calendar? Is it like, does it change every year?
0:53 Adam Friedland? Yeah, it's late. Come on.
0:56 Speaker 03 Wow.
0:58 Adam Friedland? Come on.
0:58 Speaker 02 Well, I wouldn't say it's late, but it like starts in 1964.
1:02 Adam Friedland? Yeah, it's 1943, right?
1:04 Speaker 02 Yeah, well, it's not, it would be like 67, it wouldn't be.
1:08 Adam Friedland? No, it's 1920, it's the Harlem Renaissance right now.
1:11 Speaker 02 It would be like 50, it would be the year 52, it wouldn't be 19.
1:15 Adam Friedland? It's BC still.
1:17 Speaker 02 They don't have their Christ. So when was Kanye?
1:19 Adam Friedland? They believe in Christ.
1:20 Speaker 02 When was Kanye's first album? That's zero for them.
1:22 Adam Friedland? Zero, that's college dropout.
1:24 Speaker 02 The inauguration of Barack Obama is zero. So it's the year AD 12.
1:30 Adam Friedland? I don't know, I actually went to the African American History Museum in DC.
1:33 Speaker 02 I know, and you snickered the entire time.
1:35 Adam Friedland? He said that I walked around snickering, no. I learned a lot.
1:39 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:39 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
1:40 Speaker 03 Good.
1:40 Adam Friedland? It ends at Obama, right?
1:43 Speaker 03 Really? They're like, nothing's happened since then.
1:45 Adam Friedland? Well, they made the museum during Obama, so then there's, it just ends there.
1:48 Speaker 03 Kamala's pissed, gosh.
1:50 Adam Friedland? I've said this before, there are a ton of Cosby stuff. There was a ton of Cosby stuff up that they haven't taken.
1:56 Speaker 02 That's where the snickering began.
1:57 Speaker 03 They probably still deny that he did it.
1:59 Adam Friedland? I didn't snicker, there's nothing to laugh at about what Bill Cosby did. He was a doctor, he lived in Brooklyn Heights. Theo was giving him a hard time. The Reverend Doctor.
2:11 Speaker 03 Was he a doctor?
2:12 Adam Friedland? What is this death stare you've got going on right now? I know you're a big Cosby fan.
2:16 Speaker 02 I'm just, uh, I'm kinda out of it.
2:19 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
2:19 Speaker 02 It, there's a threshold, after like 3:30 PM, coffee doesn't do anything and I switch to energy drinks and I didn't do that. I've just pounded coffee.
2:28 Speaker 03 Can't do that to yourself.
2:28 Adam Friedland? Let's get you a rock star dude, we could take it again.
2:30 Speaker 02 I don't know, you know me, man, this, this whole thing's not conducive to my schedule. I wake up at 4 AM and then I'm good to go until 11. And then from 11 AM until about 4 PM, I'm dead.
2:42 Speaker 03 Yeah, this is the crash time right now.
2:43 Speaker 02 Yeah, right, exactly.
2:44 Adam Friedland? Yeah, I'm a night owl.
2:46 Speaker 02 I need, I need a big nap and then I'm good to go from, you know, the most productive I've ever been is when I would wake up at 5, I'd go back to sleep around, yeah, 11, and then I'd wake up again at 1.
2:56 Adam Friedland? He does that, one of those whipping rituals, like a...
2:59 Speaker 03 The flagellates in Da Vinci Code?
3:01 Speaker 02 We just had, we just had Adri- Adrian on earlier.
3:05 Speaker 03 Oh, God.
3:05 Adam Friedland? Grady from Entourage.
3:06 Speaker 02 Right.
3:07 Adam Friedland? Can he change?
3:07 Speaker 03 Oh, I thought you meant Adrian Napolucci.
3:09 Speaker 02 I did mean that.
3:10 Speaker 03 Oh, Adrian, oh, I was like Adrian Brody.
3:12 Speaker 02 So she's probably having a big week, Thanksgiving?
3:14 Speaker 03 Yeah.
3:15 Speaker 02 Yeah.
3:20 Speaker 03 That's the, that's the national holiday for people like her, that's true.
3:23 Speaker 02 Yeah, for people, people like her.
3:27 Speaker 03 I didn't wanna say anymore.
3:29 Speaker 02 Because, because of Christopher Columbus, and she's Italian.
3:32 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah, she's Italian, there we go.
3:34 Adam Friedland? He's a great man.
3:35 Speaker 03 Yes.
3:35 Speaker 02 And Christopher Columbus, who found the Thanksgiving.
3:38 Speaker 03 Yes.
3:38 Speaker 02 And she's eating a lot.
3:40 Speaker 03 She loves her people, she loves her people. Her heritage.
3:43 Speaker 02 Just, three turkeys, four turkeys.
3:45 Adam Friedland? Because of the prejudice that Columbus experienced on behalf of the, because the Native Americans were so prejudiced.
3:50 Speaker 03 They hated Dago.
3:51 Speaker 02 She started cooking early, she's like, you know, when are we having dinner? It's like it's 7:30 AM.
3:55 Speaker 03 They're like, why did it have to be the Italians that discovered us?
3:58 Speaker 02 Adrian, I don't, I understand you're very Italian.
4:02 Speaker 02 But I don't know if we should be having dinner at 9 o'clock in the morning.
4:06 Adam Friedland? I love it, spaghetti and meatball hour.
4:08 Speaker 02 Well, I'm gonna get started on the pie.
4:10 Adam Friedland? Oh, you're making a pie?
4:11 Speaker 02 Make?
4:14 Adam Friedland? You're Italian as well, Jeff?
4:16 Speaker 03 No, no, thank god. German purebred.
4:20 Speaker 03 Purebred.
4:20 Adam Friedland? You can't say it that way.
4:21 Speaker 03 Purebred.
4:22 Speaker 02 What is azimuth again? There's like nadir and azimuth.
4:26 Speaker 03 Oh, azimuth is like the highest you are in when you're flying or something. It's something with flight, something with flying.
4:31 Speaker 02 Okay.
4:32 Speaker 03 The azimuth, yeah, yeah.
4:33 Speaker 02 Right, and then there's nadir. I remember learning about the moon. Yeah, it's like a, in an elliptical thing.
4:41 Speaker 03 Oh, you're saying, cause my name sounds like azimuth. There we go. I was wondering where the tangent, okay.
4:45 Speaker 02 No, I was like, what does that mean? I was thinking, what, what, what, uh, race is that name? And then that popped into my head. I'm like, oh, you must be from space.
4:53 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah, yeah.
4:54 Speaker 02 You must be like a-
4:55 Speaker 03 My people from the moon.
4:56 Speaker 02 Yeah, from the moon. So you're Chinese.
4:58 Adam Friedland? Nadir sounds Indian.
4:59 Speaker 02 Nadir sounds like, sounds like Afghani or something.
5:02 Adam Friedland? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nadir Patel. He has an Ebonic style-
5:06 Speaker 03 That's my dentist, yeah.
5:07 Adam Friedland? He has an Ebonic style stand-up special out right now. If you guys wanna check it out. He has a hip-hop style.
5:15 Speaker 03 Talking about, yo, y'all ever fucked with curry? Cancel culture.
5:19 Speaker 02 I was thinking about that the other day. I hope Neil Nanda came back as a black man.
5:22 Speaker 03 Oh my god.
5:24 Speaker 02 Uh, that's a nice thing to say.
5:26 Adam Friedland? He believes in reincarnation, dude.
5:28 Speaker 02 He believes in reincarnation.
5:29 Speaker 03 He comes back as Miss Pat or something.
5:31 Speaker 02 Uh, yeah, he comes back as like, you know, it's sort of a Mrs. Doubtfire. Is that the premise of that movie, is reincarnation?
5:36 Adam Friedland? Yeah, yeah, I think it's a tragedy and then it's a heroic return.
5:40 Speaker 03 A trans woman gets like lynched and then she becomes Mrs. Doubtfire or something.
5:44 Speaker 02 That'd be a fun Chris Rock movie. Where he's like, Chris Rock is like, I don't know what happened.
5:51 Speaker 03 Suddenly, just because of Indian nationals.
5:53 Speaker 02 I remember waving to a bus as it was approaching and then now here I am.
5:57 Speaker 03 Like a BJP like.
5:58 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah. Was that a rude thing to say? I don't know. I mean, I think it's hopeful.
6:02 Speaker 03 No, I think that's nice. That's nice. You want him to come back. It'd be mean if you're like, I hope he doesn't come back.
6:07 Speaker 02 No, that would be both racist and, what's that?
6:10 Speaker 03 Yeah, what race?
6:11 Speaker 02 I would like to come back as an animal, obviously. A Bengal tiger or maybe a Siberian. I don't know. That would be ideal for me.
6:18 Adam Friedland? Me, Python.
6:19 Speaker 03 There's only like twenty others you can fuck, though.
6:21 Speaker 02 Yeah, you would be, I've said it before, if you were to die and be reincarnated, you would come back as the girl snake character from Come to the Panda.
6:27 Adam Friedland? Why girl? Cause I know karate?
6:30 Speaker 02 I just, I think that's just what you are, is Lucy Liu is that snake.
6:35 Adam Friedland? But she's one of the best. And I can fight. And I'm a Chinese girl snake. It would be great, actually, to do that.
6:43 Speaker 03 That could be fun.
6:43 Speaker 02 Yeah.
6:44 Adam Friedland? Yeah, and I tattle on it. I tell Adam to eat that apple.
6:47 Speaker 03 Oh, you'd be the downfall of man. Oh, wow, the introduction of sin.
6:51 Adam Friedland? I think the Bible says that they had legs and then God took them away.
6:54 Speaker 02 Took them away. You're doomed slither.
6:57 Speaker 03 Oh, the snakes had legs before the apple?
6:59 Speaker 02 Yeah, the serpent had legs.
7:01 Adam Friedland? Before he gossiped.
7:01 Speaker 02 He got taken away.
7:02 Adam Friedland? To Eve, actually. It was Eve, right?
7:05 Speaker 03 Yeah, he tricked the woman, of course.
7:07 Adam Friedland? Of course she listens to a snake. She's like, oh, he's so...
7:10 Speaker 03 He's so hot. He's so thin.
7:12 Adam Friedland? Oh, my god, skinny.
7:13 Speaker 03 So nubile.
7:14 Adam Friedland? Yeah, yeah. Skinny.
7:16 Speaker 03 Flexible.
7:17 Adam Friedland? Skinny legend. And Adam's like, come on, dude. Then they realized they were naked, right?
7:23 Speaker 03 Yeah, they didn't know before. They just thought that was what life was.
7:26 Adam Friedland? So they were idiots?
7:27 Speaker 03 Yeah, so it's probably good. We just would have been like morons.
7:30 Adam Friedland? They're in a garden not like looking down at their balls and stuff?
7:32 Speaker 03 Yeah. And thank god the snake did that. We had to be naked walking around New York City.
7:37 Speaker 02 You know, I mean, all that shit's fake anyways, dude. I believe in evolution because I'm a genius.
7:41 Adam Friedland? Are you for real?
7:42 Speaker 03 Whoa, you don't believe in God?
7:43 Speaker 02 I'm a critical thinker.
7:45 Adam Friedland? We should have a debate.
7:46 Speaker 02 Yeah.
7:47 Adam Friedland? About, yeah, about that. Yeah. Richard Dawkins versus me.
7:51 Speaker 03 Bring him back. You're Richard Dawkins reincarnated.
7:54 Speaker 02 He became racist, right?
7:56 Speaker 03 Did he? He got eugenics, I think, maybe. I think so.
7:59 Speaker 02 He's like, we come from monkeys, except for black people. They're still... He said something like that.
8:05 Speaker 03 They're not fully there yet. They're not fully evolved. I could see that.
8:08 Adam Friedland? Dawkins dropped that?
8:10 Speaker 02 Yeah.
8:11 Adam Friedland? All your heroes let you down. Gervais would never.
8:13 Speaker 03 Gervais would never.
8:15 Adam Friedland? Yeah. I feel like Gervais has like gotten... It was like cool to shit on him when I was starting comedy. They were like, oh, that guy's the worst.
8:23 Speaker 03 Well, because he had that cover where he was like crucified on the magazine cover, yeah.
8:27 Speaker 02 It was that one thing and then people were like, and then he pushed back against PCC. He's still funny.
8:30 Adam Friedland? I think he's mad funny.
8:31 Speaker 02 Yeah.
8:32 Adam Friedland? Yeah, and I think that the British office is so funny.
8:34 Speaker 03 So much better.
8:35 Speaker 02 Extras is amazing. I wish it was an easy way to watch it. It's not on anything.
8:38 Adam Friedland? It's on...
8:40 Speaker 02 Subscribe to BritBox.
8:41 Speaker 03 Is that the one with the little guy Warwick Davis in it?
8:43 Adam Friedland? I have to pay for that for my dad.
8:44 Speaker 02 Imagine you wanted just like a caramel, like a chocolate caramel, right? And the only way to get it was in like a Whitman sampler. But then every other piece of chocolate was a steaming pile of shit.
8:56 Adam Friedland? You should, you should take this up with my dad.
8:57 Speaker 02 That's what subscribing to BritBox is.
9:00 Adam Friedland? On my Amazon, I cancel BritBox. I've done it four times, my dad resigns up. Cause he has to have his-
9:05 Speaker 03 What is on BritBox?
9:05 Adam Friedland? Like Mrs. Marple and like-
9:07 Speaker 03 Oh my god.
9:08 Adam Friedland? He has to have his poi robe.
9:08 Speaker 03 The EastEnders and all that.
9:10 Adam Friedland? No, no, no, not even that. It has to be period and gay.
9:13 Speaker 02 Who sharted is the biggest British sitcom?
9:16 Adam Friedland? Who hath shart?
9:17 Speaker 02 It's a big bathroom and there's the manager of the bathroom and he's uptight and there's people that aren't flushing and he's like, oh, the queen's coming and there's still turds everywhere.
9:26 Adam Friedland? We gotta clean these turds, yeah.
9:28 Speaker 03 Good British humor.
9:30 Adam Friedland? I miss her every day, dude.
9:33 Adam Friedland? She was fucking awesome.
9:34 Speaker 03 The queen?
9:34 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
9:35 Speaker 03 The queen, yeah. She had those corgis. They had to kill the corgis when she died.
9:38 Speaker 02 What's the other guy that had a turd? Uh, Russell?
9:42 Speaker 03 Brand.
9:43 Speaker 02 Brand.
9:43 Speaker 03 Russell Brand, yeah, he raped a few women, yeah.
9:46 Speaker 02 Did he?
9:46 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah.
9:47 Adam Friedland? I thought you just said the vaccine's bad.
9:49 Speaker 03 No, he got accused of a bunch of rapes.
9:50 Speaker 02 He like praised the rosary on stream now.
9:53 Speaker 03 Yeah, he's huge religious. He's like a weird hippie religious.
9:55 Adam Friedland? Pray the rosary with him.
9:57 Speaker 03 Yep, yep. He went deep.
9:59 Adam Friedland? Brand?
9:59 Speaker 03 Yeah.
10:00 Adam Friedland? Also, I thought he was funny too.
10:01 Speaker 03 He was.
10:02 Adam Friedland? Forgetting Sarah Marshall is mad funny, yeah, yeah.
10:04 Speaker 03 Some good songs in that movie.
10:05 Adam Friedland? Apparently that one guy in Get Him To The Greek has a problematic past too.
10:09 Speaker 03 Which one?
10:10 Adam Friedland? The black guy.
10:12 Speaker 03 What, the black guy?
10:13 Adam Friedland? Uh, Sean Combs.
10:15 Speaker 03 Sean Shapie.
10:16 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
10:18 Speaker 03 No, he is just living a good life.
10:20 Adam Friedland? I don't know. I have been saying no Diddy to kids on the subway.
10:24 Speaker 03 No Diddy. When you touch a kid, you're like, oh, no Diddy, no Diddy.
10:26 Adam Friedland? They're like, ooh, you gay. And I'm like, no Diddy.
10:29 Speaker 03 It's the new no-ho.
10:30 Adam Friedland? Come on, dude, I'm thirty-seven. Come on.
10:33 Speaker 03 You invite your friends to a party, no Diddy, no Diddy.
10:35 Adam Friedland? Come on, show a little respect. Yeah. I don't know. What else is-
10:40 Speaker 03 Is he gonna kill himself, Diddy?
10:42 Adam Friedland? Puff?
10:43 Speaker 03 In the jail, you think he's going to?
10:44 Adam Friedland? I don't think so.
10:45 Speaker 03 He probably will. They said he's gonna like rat on everyone. That's what Cat Williams was saying.
10:49 Speaker 02 But I don't underst- this is the thing I don't understand about the Diddy thing is people keep presenting it as if this is grand conspiracy and not like people getting drunk at parties.
10:58 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah, it's like what are famous people supposed to do?
11:00 Speaker 02 Well, yeah, it's not like people are like, they keep calling it like an Epstein thing and it's like Eps- like- Epstein was gathering blackmail for the government.
11:09 Adam Friedland? For Israel.
11:10 Speaker 03 I think people didn't know that black people were having that much fun.
11:12 Adam Friedland? Yeah, I assumed it.
11:14 Speaker 03 They should have been having so much fun.
11:15 Adam Friedland? I assumed it.
11:16 Speaker 03 You assumed it? He does a livestream of his parties.
11:19 Adam Friedland? In senior year of high school, I had, like, I was planning the biggest party of the year at my friend's parents' house. And we got them like a spa package for the weekend.
11:31 Speaker 03 Oh, to get them up to the Catskills or whatever?
11:33 Adam Friedland? They got wise to it. Well, no, I'm from Las Vegas, but whatever. Yeah. I'm not who you assume.
11:37 Speaker 03 Sorry, I thought you, I did assume, I did assume you were an Upper East Side. I did.
11:41 Adam Friedland? Full blown German assumption.
11:43 Speaker 03 Sorry, and the German in me came out.
11:44 Speaker 02 Tickets to Burning Man.
11:45 Adam Friedland? Yeah, yeah. So then they got wise to it, canceled. My dad heard me on the phone and I was like, we're fucked. It was supposed to be the biggest party of the, you know? My dad's like, you could just have it here. And so I was like, I was like, it was the coolest, it was the nicest thing he ever did. And he came back at like three and some kids were fucking in his bed and stuff. It was like, it was actually.
12:01 Speaker 03 In his, your dad's bed?
12:03 Adam Friedland? Well, it was my dad and mom's bed.
12:05 Speaker 03 That's rude.
12:05 Adam Friedland? Yeah, but anyway, but, uh, they, I was like friends with like a lot of the black girls in my class and I was like, you know, like we're friends at school, but we're never, like, we never hang out outside of school. I was like, I'm throwing the biggest party of the year. You guys need to come. And then like for what we thought a party was, was like sitting down at a table and just blazing as much and drinking like out of a handle.
12:26 Speaker 03 Right.
12:26 Adam Friedland? Right?
12:26 Speaker 03 No one dancing, no one singing or moving.
12:28 Adam Friedland? Then they walked in and they were like, they were like, where's, what about dancing? And we were like, that is so.
12:34 Speaker 03 You were too high to move?
12:35 Adam Friedland? I was like, that is incre- I was like, this is a party.
12:37 Speaker 02 Teach us your culture. Teach us what you love.
12:40 Adam Friedland? I was like, that's incre- I was like, we forgot about dancing. It was really embarrassing. I was like, it's a cool, I was like, it's a cool party, dude. We're having fun. We're like blazing as much and, and drinking as much as, we're getting crossfaded.
12:53 Speaker 03 Oh, crossfaded.
12:55 Adam Friedland? I didn't know that you're supposed to dance also while you're crossfaded.
12:57 Speaker 03 I would never either. I get it.
12:58 Adam Friedland? And that's really, I learned a lot about, I don't know.
13:01 Speaker 02 The waltz.
13:02 Adam Friedland? The waltz, yeah. One, two, three, one, two, three.
13:05 Speaker 03 You start waltzing with these black girls.
13:07 Adam Friedland? I put a gown on, a hoop gown, and I was.
13:11 Speaker 02 They showed up, they got powder everywhere.
13:12 Adam Friedland? They used to.
13:15 Adam Friedland? They bullied, I don't know if, they also bullied me a bit because I used to do Harlem Shake.
13:22 Speaker 03 Oh no.
13:23 Adam Friedland? And they'd like form a circle around me in high school and be like, oh, do the Harlem Shake, Adam.
13:27 Speaker 03 Cause you were so good at it.
13:28 Adam Friedland? And I thought in my mind, I was so good at it.
13:30 Speaker 03 Yeah.
13:31 Adam Friedland? But then in retrospect, I was like, they probably thought it was, this guy's losers.
13:35 Speaker 03 I can't imagine, I can't imagine it was good.
13:37 Speaker 02 It would have sucked to have to go to like a Venetian, like those parties.
13:41 Adam Friedland? With a mask?
13:42 Speaker 02 Yeah, like French dandy parties. I can't, other periods in history I can imagine, but.
13:46 Speaker 03 Like the Renaissance?
13:47 Speaker 02 You have to wear like a million pounds worth of clothes. You dress up like a clown and then.
13:52 Adam Friedland? Well, the guys are like also wearing.
13:53 Speaker 03 Corsets on and then they take them off and they're fat.
13:56 Speaker 02 The only, yeah, the only thing you can do is go to those fucking stammering, does line dancing, basically.
14:02 Adam Friedland? Yeah, they all have to learn the, the dance of the, the day.
14:05 Speaker 02 I would say, put me in the Bastille. Let me work on my memoirs. A little wooden desk.
14:10 Adam Friedland? Put me in an Iron Mask.
14:11 Speaker 02 Yeah, I want the Iron Mask.
14:13 Adam Friedland? I want the Iron Mask, okay? I don't want this fucking makeup shit.
14:16 Speaker 02 Yeah, the bitch in the Iron Mask.
14:18 Adam Friedland? Yeah, I went to one of those parties, the guys were more beautiful than the, than the hoes.
14:21 Speaker 02 Uh huh.
14:22 Adam Friedland? You know? They're wearing gorgeous makeup.
14:24 Speaker 02 I've been having a hankering for rewatching The Man in the Iron Mask for like six months and I, I just watched the trailer and then I don't put the movie on.
14:33 Adam Friedland? That was, there was an era where it was all French, like sword movies.
14:37 Speaker 02 Well, that and Count of Monte Cristo.
14:38 Speaker 03 Sure, Three Musketeers.
14:39 Adam Friedland? And then there were the Musketeers, yeah, yeah. Count of Monte Cristo was sick too. It was a revenge.
14:44 Speaker 02 Yeah.
14:45 Speaker 03 Doesn't he just like kill everyone in this family?
14:47 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
14:47 Speaker 03 Cause they double crossed him. Sick, yeah.
14:49 Speaker 02 It's Keanu Reeves.
14:51 Speaker 03 Oh, in the movie? I haven't seen the movie.
14:52 Speaker 02 No, I don't know.
14:53 Speaker 03 It seems like, it's like the French John Wick.
14:55 Speaker 02 And what's the deal with the Three Musketeers? There's four of them.
14:58 Adam Friedland? I know.
14:59 Speaker 02 That's always confused me.
15:00 Adam Friedland? But they add a new one, I think. He like joins the squad.
15:03 Speaker 03 I think they're like his three friends, D'Artagnan's friends, yeah. Something like that, yeah.
15:08 Speaker 02 But there's four of them.
15:09 Speaker 03 Yes, there are four. Athos, Portos and something else.
15:14 Adam Friedland? Damn, you're smart dude.
15:15 Speaker 03 No, I was a lonely man, I was a lonely kid.
15:18 Adam Friedland? You read, you, you, you've read like Mad books?
15:21 Speaker 03 Oh yeah, I didn't have any friends as a kid, yeah.
15:23 Speaker 02 No, I didn't.
15:24 Adam Friedland? Yeah, you did.
15:24 Speaker 02 I didn't read Mad.
15:25 Adam Friedland? Nick's read every single Baby's Club.
15:27 Speaker 02 So there's three.
15:28 Adam Friedland? Nick's read every single Animorphs.
15:30 Speaker 02 I have read a lot of Boxcar.
15:32 Speaker 03 Those were good, those were good books.
15:33 Adam Friedland? They were good, yeah, those kids were hobos.
15:36 Speaker 02 Fucking white kids that are homeless.
15:37 Adam Friedland? Those hobo ass kids.
15:38 Speaker 02 They live in a train and it's like seventh heaven, but like.
15:41 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
15:42 Speaker 03 Wasn't Animorphs like when you move the pages quickly, the, it would turn into the animal in the upper right corner?
15:47 Speaker 02 I don't remember that.
15:47 Speaker 03 That's all I ever did, I never read the book, it was just a flip book in the corner.
15:50 Adam Friedland? I read a lot of Animorphs.
15:51 Speaker 03 Yeah.
15:52 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
15:52 Speaker 02 It's funny that that was a whole series, cause every book it was like.
15:55 Speaker 03 It was the same, it's like, oh, I'm a butterfly, oh whoopsie.
15:57 Adam Friedland? Well, at a crucial moment, you become a different animal.
15:59 Speaker 02 What were the bad guys, the Yerks?
16:01 Speaker 03 Yeah, it was some weird.
16:02 Speaker 02 Little bug thing that went into your ear.
16:04 Speaker 03 Interdimensional things or something. Not, not good.
16:08 Adam Friedland? Hmm.
16:09 Speaker 02 So there's Animorphs, there's Boxcar children.
16:11 Adam Friedland? Yeah, there's Goose, Goosebumps.
16:12 Speaker 03 The Treehouse of Mystery or whatever, that thing where they go in time or whatever.
16:16 Adam Friedland? I'm not that smart.
16:17 Speaker 03 Magic School Bus too.
16:18 Speaker 02 I remember that as a show.
16:20 Adam Friedland? As a show, bro.
16:21 Speaker 03 There were books, there were little books, I think the show is first.
16:23 Adam Friedland? They made a book from the show?
16:24 Speaker 03 They did, yeah, yeah, they were going up the kids ass.
16:27 Speaker 02 The only, the only episode of that show I remember is when Carlos gets sick and so they go, they shrink the bus down and go into his body.
16:32 Speaker 03 Yeah, they go into him.
16:34 Speaker 02 Right. Which is like such an invasion.
16:36 Speaker 03 Oh Carlos, you have leukemia, oh shit.
16:39 Speaker 02 Yeah, Carlos.
16:40 Adam Friedland? Carlos was the wise guy too.
16:41 Speaker 02 We were inside, yeah, he was.
16:42 Adam Friedland? Carlos.
16:43 Speaker 02 Yeah, he was like the Pablo Francisco.
16:44 Adam Friedland? Yeah, yeah, he was a little tortilla boy.
16:46 Speaker 02 He was like, what y'all learning in fucking class today? And like, Carlos chill out, dude.
16:52 Speaker 03 They drive the bus to his G-spot.
16:54 Speaker 02 I'm fucking sick. I'm fucking sick. Yes, eh?
16:59 Adam Friedland? You ever been with a Mexican girl? She will fight.
17:01 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
17:02 Adam Friedland? Rar rar rar rar rar rar rar. Dude, that was my favorite comedy special when I was like.
17:07 Speaker 02 That's it, that's.
17:08 Adam Friedland? In fifth grade.
17:08 Speaker 03 Which one was that?
17:10 Speaker 02 The end of the episode, they go to leave and they're blocked by his father's penis.
17:15 Speaker 02 They're like, that's why Carlos has a bad attitude.
17:17 Speaker 03 Carlos is always sick.
17:19 Adam Friedland? He's laughing through the pain.
17:20 Speaker 02 On that episode when I was a kid, it's like something, the magic wore off and the bus fully like expanded to its real size while they were in Carlos's car.
17:27 Speaker 03 He just explodes.
17:30 Speaker 02 And then the front half of his body is on the street.
17:33 Adam Friedland? Ms. Frizzle is crazy.
17:34 Speaker 03 And that's how you get rid of the immigrants, children.
17:39 Adam Friedland? It was like, I don't know. She definitely didn't have a permission slip sign for those trips.
17:44 Speaker 03 My mom wanted to let me go on the trip. No, no.
17:47 Adam Friedland? Remember there was a school that was upside down? There were books like that?
17:49 Speaker 03 There, yeah, the upside down school. They didn't have a 13th floor or something.
17:53 Adam Friedland? It was too chaotic.
17:54 Speaker 03 Yeah. Wayside Elementary.
17:56 Adam Friedland? Yeah, yeah, Wayside, yeah.
17:57 Speaker 03 Upside stories from Wayside Elementary.
17:58 Speaker 02 Damn, I completely memory hold that one. And then the big, the big one was, uh, remember the, the, it's like someone is missing, the teacher's missing?
18:06 Speaker 03 Oh, no.
18:07 Speaker 02 It's like, uh, it's like a picture book and there's like, miss something is missing. She's like, the teacher and the students are bad, so, you know, it's like the next day there's a sub and she's like a witch lady and she's really mean and sad and this is a lady.
18:19 Adam Friedland? It solved the mystery.
18:20 Speaker 02 But it was like, then it's actually her.
18:23 Speaker 03 Oh, she was like pretending?
18:24 Speaker 02 She wore a disguise and they're like, oh, we miss you or whatever.
18:27 Speaker 03 Oh, okay. God, I'll have to pick that one up.
18:29 Speaker 02 Yeah.
18:29 Speaker 03 To go back and read that one.
18:30 Speaker 02 It's good, yeah.
18:31 Adam Friedland? It's pretty good, yeah.
18:32 Speaker 03 Yeah, that's good.
18:33 Adam Friedland? Was she the bad guy then? The witch?
18:35 Speaker 02 Uh, she was just a mean teacher and then they realize, oh, it's the nice teacher at the end.
18:40 Adam Friedland? Oh.
18:41 Speaker 02 And, uh,
18:42 Adam Friedland? A little bit of a Jekyll and Hyde.
18:43 Speaker 02 It was a Texas book. I remember they had the Texas flag in the classroom.
18:48 Adam Friedland? It was about execution?
18:49 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah. They're like, maybe she got the death penalty for being retarded.
18:54 Speaker 03 She had an abortion.
18:54 Adam Friedland? I can't believe we let a retarded person teach a class.
18:58 Speaker 02 Death penalty. Off with her head.
19:01 Speaker 03 They'd probably let a retard teach because the retard's not going to teach about slavery or anything.
19:05 Adam Friedland? Were you, you went to public school?
19:07 Speaker 03 No, Catholic school.
19:08 Adam Friedland? Oh, you're Catholic.
19:09 Speaker 03 Yeah.
19:10 Adam Friedland? You wore, you wore little skirts and stuff?
19:11 Speaker 02 That's, that's why you're so well read in the boxcar children.
19:15 Speaker 03 Yeah, the Catholic school is just a little different.
19:16 Speaker 02 Anna Morris and stuff.
19:18 Speaker 03 Uniforms for saying.
19:19 Speaker 02 It's a strict Jesuit education.
19:21 Adam Friedland? We were finger popping in public school reading Anna Morris. It was so sad. No uniforms. Do you're sheltered?
19:28 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah.
19:28 Adam Friedland? I thought kids, kids at that, those kind of schools were better.
19:32 Speaker 03 They did, but I was a huge nerd. They were, but I was a loser.
19:35 Adam Friedland? I remember my friends that were in private school at like 10th grade, they were like, yeah, we do coke.
19:40 Speaker 03 No, they were doing crazy drugs.
19:41 Adam Friedland? I was like, how do you get coke?
19:43 Speaker 03 They had, they were doing all the pills and everything.
19:45 Adam Friedland? Yeah, their parents' pills, yeah, yeah.
19:47 Speaker 03 Big time.
19:48 Speaker 02 What was the, so what's the, what was the backstory of the boxcar children? They're orphaned or something, or how did they end up living in a train?
19:55 Speaker 03 Yeah, they were orphans and they had to solve mysteries for money maybe, or I don't think that's.
19:59 Speaker 02 You remember Encyclopedia Brown?
20:01 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah.
20:02 Speaker 02 That was always the funniest one, because it was always like, reveal was always such bullshit.
20:08 Speaker 03 Yeah.
20:08 Speaker 02 You know, it's like, oh, the clock stopped when he was shot.
20:12 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah, he was like a kid, Sherlock Holmes, kind of, yeah.
20:15 Speaker 02 Yeah, he got shot through the stopwatch.
20:17 Adam Friedland? Cam Jansen, you remember her?
20:18 Speaker 03 No.
20:19 Adam Friedland? She had a photographic memory and she'd solve mysteries and then at a crucial moment she'd say click and then remember something.
20:26 Speaker 03 Oh, it seems like cheating.
20:27 Adam Friedland? Yeah, well, it shouldn't be, I mean, a girl would never.
20:30 Speaker 03 I don't like that.
20:30 Speaker 02 And then I like very casually try to bring up the babysitter's club as if we've all read it.
20:35 Adam Friedland? Yeah. They've read every single one.
20:37 Speaker 02 I'm like, I remember the babysitter, remember the one where.
20:39 Speaker 03 Nancy Drew, yeah, of course.
20:41 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, Sweet Valley High. Yeah. I did watch a lot of that show. That is a great.
20:46 Adam Friedland? There was a show and books, right?
20:47 Speaker 02 And I didn't even know what the books were. I remember the TV show Sweet Valley High.
20:51 Adam Friedland? They were the twins, right? They were hot twins.
20:53 Speaker 02 It was a bad show, yeah, the hot twins.
20:54 Adam Friedland? They were hot twins.
20:55 Speaker 02 And then it was a bad show, but there was something very like bright about it. There was like this like era of television in the late 90s where I was like, this feels like the future or something.
21:04 Speaker 03 So happy, yeah, they were so happy.
21:05 Speaker 02 Yeah, there was something like that and then, um.
21:08 Speaker 03 Because the dot com bubble hadn't burst yet. They were so excited for the future.
21:12 Speaker 02 Oh, it's something, there's something new here.
21:14 Speaker 03 The internet's gonna save everything.
21:15 Speaker 02 You know what show I liked? You remember VIP?
21:18 Speaker 03 No, I don't remember that.
21:20 Adam Friedland? You didn't have TV.
21:21 Speaker 02 Fucking. Julian Assange's wife Pamela Anderson.
21:25 Adam Friedland? So sick.
21:26 Speaker 03 That was Julian Assange's wife?
21:28 Speaker 02 Yeah, they were married.
21:29 Adam Friedland? Wasn't it Barb Wire?
21:31 Speaker 02 No.
21:31 Adam Friedland? Maybe they dated for a while.
21:32 Speaker 03 That's crazy.
21:33 Adam Friedland? Yeah, she's mad smart too.
21:35 Speaker 03 Wow.
21:35 Adam Friedland? You didn't know that?
21:36 Speaker 03 I did not know that. I just assumed she was stupid, I'll be honest, I did.
21:39 Adam Friedland? You assumed.
21:39 Speaker 03 That was wrong of me, that was wrong of me.
21:41 Adam Friedland? She's also not, she's funny too.
21:43 Speaker 03 Really?
21:43 Adam Friedland? She's one of, she's the only girl.
21:44 Speaker 03 The only funny woman.
21:46 Adam Friedland? She's the number one funny girl.
21:47 Speaker 03 The only smart and funny woman, oh shit, okay.
21:49 Adam Friedland? She's mad funny.
21:50 Speaker 03 Good for Pamela.
21:51 Adam Friedland? That was a big go to joke in the 90s that it was like you just, you watch Bay, Baywatch with the sound off. I think Friends was really into that joke.
21:59 Speaker 02 Yeah.
22:00 Speaker 03 Sure, yeah.
22:00 Speaker 02 Yeah, Joey and Chandler would, it was implied that they would masturbate together.
22:04 Adam Friedland? To David Hasselhoff.
22:05 Speaker 02 Yeah, well a duck walks around eating the cum.
22:07 Adam Friedland? They're like, oh, you thought it was to the girls?
22:09 Speaker 02 Yeah. No, I mean, you watch Baywatch and it's mostly, it's not what you, like, they tried to.
22:14 Speaker 03 It's more naked men?
22:15 Speaker 02 It's, there's a lot of that, yeah.
22:17 Speaker 03 Yeah, okay.
22:17 Speaker 02 I think the first episode starts off and it's like the men's locker room. That's like the first thing you see.
22:21 Adam Friedland? Joey and Chandler love that one. Yeah, they're in their lazy boys.
22:24 Speaker 03 Isn't that the whole Friends joke is that they're gay? It's kinda like the underlying.
22:27 Speaker 02 Is people always think Chandler's gay and he's like, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. They think I'm a fag.
22:35 Speaker 03 They should kill all the gays.
22:36 Adam Friedland? He's sarcastic.
22:37 Speaker 03 Yeah. If I'm gay, kill me.
22:39 Adam Friedland? There's some straight guys that could be sarcastic.
22:41 Speaker 02 It's very funny to watch that show knowing they would call cut and then Matthew Perry would just like crumple into like a fucking opiate coma.
22:48 Speaker 03 Where's my Vicodin? Anyone got one? Was that, was he a Vicodin guy or what was he?
22:52 Speaker 02 Huge Vicodin guy. He got into like a jet ski accident and then he had like prescribed Vicodin. And then was taking it and then like at one point he, cause you know, you don't shit when you're on it.
23:02 Speaker 03 Oh dude.
23:02 Speaker 02 He just like, his colon just exploded internally and then he was in a coma for like six months. I might pick up his book and read it.
23:09 Speaker 03 Where's that episode? The one where his colon explodes?
23:11 Speaker 02 Yeah.
23:12 Speaker 03 That they call him.
23:13 Adam Friedland? They hid it from the public.
23:14 Speaker 03 They took that one out.
23:15 Adam Friedland? They put him in baggy clothes, like when an actress is pregnant.
23:17 Speaker 03 Didn't he like forget like three or four seasons?
23:19 Speaker 02 And they have to get, they have to get Ross to eat all this shit out of his ass to save Chandler.
23:25 Speaker 02 I guess I'll do it. If it's to save Chandler.
23:32 Speaker 02 All you do shit. Hmm. We were on the break. It's me shit eating Ross.
23:38 Adam Friedland? Rachel got so mad at him about that.
23:40 Speaker 03 He's like, look, I've had blackface. Finally, a black character.
23:44 Adam Friedland? Yeah, finally a joke on this show.
23:46 Speaker 03 Yeah.
23:48 Speaker 03 Oh, it was a great show.
23:49 Adam Friedland? You think Al Jolson had like groupies?
23:53 Adam Friedland? You think there were like girls, there were girls that were trying to get backstage? They're like.
23:58 Speaker 03 Al, don't take the face paint off.
24:00 Adam Friedland? I mean, assuming he's a performer, he's famous, there have to be girls that were like trying to.
24:03 Speaker 02 Yeah, but it was women in blackface.
24:05 Adam Friedland? Yeah, you think they were like.
24:07 Speaker 03 You can't come back here unless you paint your face black.
24:10 Speaker 02 He was sort of like the insane clown posse of his time.
24:13 Adam Friedland? It's true.
24:14 Speaker 02 Yeah, if you think about it.
24:15 Speaker 03 He's a drag, yeah, drag of the time, yeah.
24:21 Speaker 03 Did he paint his lips really red too?
24:23 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
24:23 Speaker 03 With that part of it?
24:24 Adam Friedland? Yeah, it was wrong if you asked me.
24:26 Speaker 02 I don't think so. They weren't red.
24:28 Adam Friedland? It was wrong if you asked me.
24:30 Speaker 03 That was the bad part.
24:31 Adam Friedland? The whole thing was wrong. The whole thing was a bad thing.
24:35 Speaker 03 He danced and sang, was it funny? Was he a comedian?
24:38 Adam Friedland? Ah, I think he was getting pops.
24:41 Speaker 03 He's, yeah, yeah.
24:42 Adam Friedland? He had a couple reels.
24:43 Speaker 03 It's a good laugh per minute.
24:43 Adam Friedland? He had a couple million view reels.
24:45 Speaker 03 He was the king of crowd work in the thirties, yeah.
24:47 Speaker 02 Was Amos and Andy, which was a radio show and it was two white guys, they were like, oh boy, go make some gumbo today, boy, you know, and that, but the crazy part is they would do blackface.
24:58 Speaker 03 Even though it's audio only.
24:59 Speaker 02 Right, yeah.
25:01 Adam Friedland? They're complete us.
25:02 Speaker 02 Yeah.
25:02 Adam Friedland? They're professionals.
25:03 Speaker 03 You gotta respect that, you gotta respect that.
25:06 Speaker 02 Amos and Andy.
25:08 Speaker 03 They just played two black guys?
25:10 Speaker 02 Right.
25:11 Speaker 03 Really?
25:11 Speaker 02 Yeah.
25:12 Speaker 03 You stay away from Miss Olsen now.
25:14 Speaker 02 Mm-hmm.
25:15 Speaker 03 Don't touch her. Remember what happened to Emmett?
25:18 Adam Friedland? No, come on, dude.
25:20 Speaker 03 Oh, that was too fun.
25:21 Speaker 02 Not on the anniversary.
25:23 Speaker 03 We had a Kwanzaa riff, I thought we were gonna keep going.
25:25 Speaker 02 Not on the anniversary.
25:26 Speaker 03 Was it today?
25:27 Speaker 02 Sure.
25:27 Speaker 03 No way, oh god, then I would have actually felt pretty bad.
25:31 Speaker 02 Yeah.
25:31 Adam Friedland? Yeah. I wasn't laughing at that, by the way, I know you've said it to me before. But I actually, the Emmett Till, like, uh, thing at the museum was the saddest part of the entire museum.
25:43 Speaker 02 Yeah.
25:44 Adam Friedland? Yeah. I don't, unlike Jeff.
25:49 Speaker 02 I mean, even race aside, it's such a tragic story.
25:52 Adam Friedland? So you're anti Vatican too?
25:53 Speaker 02 A little boy being murdered?
25:54 Speaker 03 I'm anti, no, I'm pro Vatican.
25:55 Adam Friedland? It is so sad.
25:56 Speaker 02 Yeah.
25:57 Adam Friedland? Yeah. And his mom says he want, uh, open casket because she wants the world to see.
26:01 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah.
26:02 Adam Friedland? That's the saddest part. Yeah. I mean, no, it's not the saddest part. The murder is the saddest part, but that also heartbreaking.
26:08 Speaker 02 And that lady was lying.
26:10 Adam Friedland? The girl.
26:11 Speaker 03 Didn't he just whistle? That's all it was?
26:13 Speaker 02 He said, "That didn't even fucking happen."
26:14 Speaker 03 It did, he, it didn't even happen.
26:16 Speaker 02 She made it up, yeah.
26:16 Speaker 03 Jesus.
26:18 Speaker 02 And then that lady, like, fucking.
26:20 Speaker 03 What did she do with the rest of her life?
26:21 Speaker 02 Her daughter was like, "My mom, she died." But then, like, I think it was the daughter was like, "My mom always wanted her story to be told and she felt like she was a victim too."
26:28 Speaker 03 Oh, my god.
26:29 Speaker 02 It's like, "Shut up, bitch. Shut the fuck up."
26:32 Speaker 03 They should have lynched her too.
26:33 Speaker 02 Yeah, I mean, yeah, definitely.
26:35 Speaker 03 At her funeral.
26:36 Speaker 02 I agree with the husband getting off. But the woman should, you know.
26:40 Adam Friedland? She clearly influenced him into fighting, been like, "Are you gonna be a bitch the rest of your life?"
26:45 Speaker 02 Yeah.
26:46 Adam Friedland? He was clearly, uh, uh, was, you know, it was the last rope or whatever.
26:51 Speaker 03 Last rope?
26:52 Adam Friedland? Oh, god. Can we, uh, cut a?
26:55 Speaker 03 Oh, no. I shouldn't have brought it up.
26:57 Adam Friedland? So you're anti Vatican too?
26:58 Speaker 02 Caroline Bryant, that was her name.
27:00 Speaker 03 That was her name? Okay, okay. I didn't know.
27:03 Adam Friedland? Okay, guys.
27:03 Speaker 03 Hopefully.
27:04 Speaker 02 No, but absolute dog.
27:06 Speaker 03 No, god, if she was busted?
27:07 Speaker 02 No, terrible.
27:07 Speaker 03 Oh, no.
27:08 Speaker 02 Yeah, imagine just like a.
27:09 Speaker 03 That's what she wanted to tell her husband. "No, men like me. Other men are attracted to me."
27:12 Speaker 02 She was like, uh, like, uh, like one of the, like a Gary Larson drawing.
27:18 Speaker 03 Big wart on her nose or something?
27:19 Speaker 02 Yeah, like a lady like that. Just a very severe.
27:21 Speaker 03 A far side character.
27:22 Speaker 02 A very severe looking woman.
27:23 Adam Friedland? Objectively, one of the worst people ever.
27:25 Speaker 02 Yeah, she looked kinda like Gary Sinise, I think.
27:28 Speaker 03 Oh, no.
27:28 Adam Friedland? Well, speaking of, Black Friday is coming up and Cyber Monday as well, so. Get rid of speaking of. I don't wanna, I don't wanna, it's not.
27:37 Speaker 02 I say Gary Sinise, I mean, he's new in Hollywood. He introduces people, himself to people. He goes, "I'm Gary Sinise." And they go, "Gary's anus?"
27:45 Adam Friedland? That's why he became Republican.
27:47 Speaker 02 He's like, it's Gary Sinise. And he's like, okay, Gary Zainus.
27:51 Adam Friedland? It was an Ellis Island thing, yeah.
27:53 Speaker 02 Uh, if that's your name, it's fine.
27:55 Speaker 03 I guess Hungarian, yeah.
27:56 Speaker 02 And it took until Apollo 13 before people stopped calling him Gary Zainus.
27:59 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
28:00 Speaker 02 Because they couldn't hear what he was saying.
28:02 Speaker 03 Terrible discrimination.
28:03 Speaker 02 Yeah.
28:03 Adam Friedland? Like a lot of people, my grandparent, parent, or other family member are not the most tech savvy. So it seems weird to get them a tech adjacent gift.
28:12 Speaker 02 Why don't you go behind a little division here and get the thing?
28:14 Adam Friedland? I'm reading the thing.
28:15 Speaker 02 I know, but it's behind the actual... Today's episode is brought to you by Aura Frames. Maybe you're seeing these.
28:23 Speaker 03 Okay.
28:23 Speaker 02 But we got a deal with them, and I told my aunt about it, and she was like, can you get me one of these? They love it. Old people, fucking, the holidays are coming up, and I'm telling you, any fucking old family member you have, they love, they think this is... First of all, I mean, it's like, you know, if you're younger, you're like, well, I can just look at a picture on my phone.
28:43 Adam Friedland? It's on my phone.
28:44 Speaker 02 The, the, the fact that you can put a digital image into a frame.
28:48 Speaker 03 Oh, these, these collages on the frames. Oh, these are great.
28:51 Speaker 02 They love it.
28:52 Speaker 03 My grandparents loved these.
28:53 Speaker 02 And maybe, maybe the, the client doesn't want to selling it like this, but it's like a thing that I can't really... It's like, I understand why the cat likes a cat toy. And this is like cat, it's like cat toys for, if you have a senior...
29:05 Adam Friedland? I think that's a good sell.
29:06 Speaker 02 If you have a senior citizen, or like a boomer in your life,
29:09 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
29:10 Speaker 02 get them one of these Aura Frames.
29:11 Adam Friedland? And you have nothing really in common with them.
29:13 Speaker 02 You won't have to buy a good gift for another fucking decade.
29:14 Adam Friedland? This is a guaranteed slam dunk gift, okay? So it seems weird to get them a tech adjacent gift, but Aura's digital frame is actually perfect. That's because, yes, it's tech, but it's so easy.
29:25 Speaker 02 Like a picture of them, an iPhone picture of them saying cheese somewhere.
29:30 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
29:30 Speaker 02 In this thing.
29:31 Adam Friedland? In Cabo, that one time you took a family trip.
29:33 Speaker 02 Exactly.
29:34 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
29:34 Speaker 02 And then where they're taking the picture is like, at the airport, it's somewhere where there's no identifying...
29:40 Adam Friedland? Because the rest of your vacations were to see your grandparents.
29:43 Speaker 02 Right.
29:43 Adam Friedland? At their house.
29:44 Speaker 03 They don't know how to take a picture.
29:45 Speaker 02 Yeah.
29:46 Adam Friedland? Yeah, and then you went to Mexico one time, and your dad let you drive, and then you drove into a bush, and he said...
29:52 Speaker 03 You had to bribe the Mexican army to get out of jail.
29:54 Speaker 02 They love, they love these fucking.
29:56 Adam Friedland? We went to Mexico and my dad at 13 was like, how about you drive?
30:00 Speaker 03 13?
30:01 Adam Friedland? And I was like, this is so cool. My dad is so cool. And then I drove into a bush. He's like.
30:06 Speaker 03 A rental car.
30:06 Adam Friedland? It was like that. It was like Tony looking at AJ on AOL in The Sopranos where he's just look of fucking disgust at me. I was like, I'm 13. That was your fault.
30:15 Speaker 03 You have to tell the Avis guy.
30:17 Adam Friedland? I'm driving a fucking.
30:17 Speaker 03 Seven, 13 year old kid.
30:19 Adam Friedland? No, I drove his expedition into a bush.
30:22 Speaker 02 Yeah.
30:22 Adam Friedland? It's a big car.
30:23 Speaker 02 I go to Avis sometimes. They rent a car if Enterprise is out at the airport.
30:26 Speaker 03 Yeah.
30:27 Speaker 02 And I'm like, what is this place called? Anus?
30:29 Adam Friedland? Avis and Andy?
30:30 Speaker 02 Anus?
30:31 Adam Friedland? Anus and Andy?
30:32 Speaker 03 Avis and Andy.
30:33 Speaker 02 And they go, no, it's Avis. It's on the sign. You can see it.
30:36 Adam Friedland? Well.
30:36 Speaker 02 And I'm like, I don't know how to fucking read. What am I, a genius?
30:39 Adam Friedland? Seriously, guys, it's so easy to get started.
30:41 Speaker 02 Piece of shit.
30:42 Adam Friedland? It's so easy to get started that once you do, the tech is incredible. You can upload photos right from your phone and in just a click. It'll even pair photos together for me, like two pictures of the same person or from the same day. I hate it when the pictures are.
30:57 Speaker 03 They're not in the same day.
30:58 Adam Friedland? Not in the.
30:59 Speaker 03 Chronologically.
31:00 Adam Friedland? Um, there's no memory cards or USBs required. There's a reason why Wirecutter, I use that, I use Wirecutter all the time. Named it the number one best digital photo frame. So for a limited time, visit AuraFrames.com to get $45 off. Aura's best selling Carver Matte Frames by using promo code TAFS at checkout. That's AuraFrames.com promo code TAFS. This is an exclusive Black Friday, Cyber Monday deal and it's the best of the year. So don't miss out. Terms and conditions apply. Thanks a lot, guys. $45 off, TAFS.
31:35 Speaker 02 This is the one that you got a shopping list for the holidays and you're like, what the fuck am I buying for, you know? This is my great aunt. I don't even know how we're related. I don't understand.
31:47 Speaker 03 Yeah, I don't know.
31:47 Adam Friedland? I shouldn't have an aunt if I'm over eighteen, right? I shouldn't even know a cousin.
31:52 Speaker 03 Unless they're rich, you shouldn't have an aunt.
31:54 Adam Friedland? My family's been like, why are you?
31:55 Speaker 02 But this thing's nice, it's sturdy. The problem is, is like, if you want something like this.
31:59 Speaker 03 Your grandpa's gonna airdrop like some porn on it.
32:01 Speaker 02 You either got this brand or like a Chinese thing that's gonna set your house on fire.
32:05 Adam Friedland? Yeah, yeah.
32:05 Speaker 02 So, go with this.
32:07 Speaker 03 Wow, there we go. Beautiful.
32:09 Adam Friedland? It's Ora Frames, it's a great gift, guys, seriously. And lord knows the people watching this have.
32:14 Speaker 02 Can't you take it out of the box nicer than that, man?
32:17 Adam Friedland? What?
32:18 Speaker 02 Don't you, you have to take it out of the box in such a violent and disrespectful way.
32:22 Adam Friedland? That's how, I'm like a Tas, uh, Manian Devil kinda guy.
32:26 Speaker 03 He's destruction.
32:27 Adam Friedland? Yeah, yeah, you know me. Fucking don't play by society's rules.
32:31 Speaker 02 Yeah.
32:32 Adam Friedland? Yeah, I blast through walls.
32:36 Adam Friedland? When there's a hole.
32:36 Speaker 02 I was just thinking about, I was thinking about the Tasmanian Devil the other day, and I'm trying to remember what the context was.
32:43 Speaker 03 I don't know what his story was. He's just always angry. He was a mute, he never talked, right?
32:47 Speaker 02 No.
32:48 Speaker 03 Yeah, he kinda had some mental illness, for sure, yeah. He was angry at the world.
32:53 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
32:54 Speaker 03 The world didn't help him.
32:55 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
32:55 Speaker 02 He was supposed to be like a feral boy or something, I think.
32:58 Speaker 03 Oh, is that what he was, like a wolf kid?
33:00 Speaker 02 Yeah.
33:00 Speaker 03 Okay.
33:01 Adam Friedland? No, I think he was supposed to be like a home, like a, kind of a.
33:03 Speaker 03 He looks like he's from like, Bruswick, yeah.
33:06 Adam Friedland? Like, you do the road a lot, right?
33:07 Speaker 03 I fucked it up, I was gonna say Brooklyn.
33:08 Speaker 02 Oh, Mr. Genius knows everything except the name of the neighborhood he lives in. Maybe if you hadn't read some of any fucking books, you'd know how to get around town, pal.
33:17 Adam Friedland? Yeah, maybe you could learn how to skateboard with other adults.
33:19 Speaker 02 Yeah.
33:20 Adam Friedland? You go to Bruswick.
33:21 Speaker 03 Bruswick.
33:22 Adam Friedland? Maybe you could practice ollies with forty-three-year-old guys.
33:26 Speaker 02 I just found out somebody famous lives in Bruswick the other day, and I was like, that's insane.
33:30 Speaker 03 Like, how famous?
33:31 Adam Friedland? Like a rich.
33:32 Speaker 02 Yeah, right, and I can't.
33:33 Adam Friedland? Like Justin Bieber kinda person.
33:34 Speaker 02 Something like that, and I was like, why would you live in Bruswick?
33:37 Speaker 03 It's nice.
33:38 Speaker 02 No, it's not.
33:39 Speaker 03 You like like shit and trash and stuff.
33:41 Speaker 02 We live in Brooklyn, you can't lie to us, we know.
33:43 Speaker 03 It's got some pervs.
33:45 Speaker 02 Dog, Bruswick.
33:46 Speaker 03 I live in Bed-Stuy, actually, I live in Bed-Stuy.
33:48 Adam Friedland? Much better, beautiful, gorgeous.
33:50 Speaker 02 I live in Bed-Stuy, Bed-Stuy's great.
33:52 Adam Friedland? Beautiful, old, yeah. We don't have German people going on graffiti tours through Bed-Stuy?
33:59 Speaker 03 Yeah, German tourists.
34:00 Adam Friedland? Yeah, they're trying to make-
34:01 Speaker 03 It's the biggie monument.
34:02 Adam Friedland? Yeah, street, like on tourist books, they're like, the street art in Brushwick is, you got it. Yeah.
34:08 Speaker 02 That was a big thing was on Groupon, because I was thinking about it the other day, because I have to reschedule some dental work, and I used to just use Groupon to get all my medicine.
34:18 Speaker 03 Really?
34:18 Speaker 02 Yeah.
34:19 Speaker 03 Is that a thing?
34:20 Speaker 02 Yeah, you go on Groupon, you get a teeth cleaning for like fucking twenty bucks.
34:23 Speaker 03 Incredible. But it's like a student learning how many teeth you have?
34:26 Speaker 02 Yeah, ten years ago, when you would open, no, you don't have to go, it's like a real dentist.
34:30 Speaker 03 Yeah.
34:31 Speaker 02 You know, they just get you in there, because then they have a file on you, and then you-
34:33 Speaker 03 Okay.
34:34 Speaker 02 Next time you come back-
34:35 Speaker 03 You pay full price, of course.
34:36 Speaker 02 It's a fucking million dollars.
34:37 Adam Friedland? Yeah, that's where they get you.
34:38 Speaker 02 But it used, like, ten years ago, you would go on Groupon, and the number one thing in New York City was like, learn how to fucking tag and do graffiti, and like a picture of like a white family, like-
34:47 Speaker 03 It's so embarrassing.
34:48 Adam Friedland? I told you, I was in, I was in Dumbo once, and there was like a bunch of rich white kids at graffiti camp.
34:54 Speaker 02 Oh.
34:54 Adam Friedland? Like, it was like summer, yeah.
34:56 Speaker 02 No, no, no, no.
34:57 Adam Friedland? And it was like, now we gotta practice your tag.
34:58 Speaker 03 They should just make them inhale the paint the whole time.
35:01 Adam Friedland? Yeah, yeah.
35:01 Speaker 03 So they ruin their brains forever.
35:04 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
35:05 Speaker 03 That would be good.
35:06 Speaker 02 Graffiti camp.
35:08 Adam Friedland? I think if the, if my career fails, I will try and do a Five Pillars of Hip Hop style camp for rich white kids.
35:14 Speaker 03 Five Pillars of Hip Hop, like Islam, you're doing the Five Pillars?
35:18 Adam Friedland? Well, Islam stole it from hip hop, obviously. I don't know if you-
35:22 Speaker 03 Absolutely.
35:23 Adam Friedland? I don't know if you've watched the show Oz, but they established that.
35:26 Speaker 03 The Hajj was stolen from Ja Rule.
35:28 Adam Friedland? The Hajj to Mecca is, yeah, of course. It's a... I don't know, it's going to a freak off at Diddy's bar.
35:36 Speaker 03 You have to go to a freak off once.
35:38 Adam Friedland? The term freak off is so funny.
35:40 Speaker 03 It's just having sex.
35:41 Adam Friedland? It's just having sex.
35:43 Speaker 03 It's just having sex with two people in one night. They're like, that's crazy.
35:46 Adam Friedland? Yeah, yeah.
35:46 Speaker 03 Suburban moms in Kansas, they're like, what the fuck?
35:48 Adam Friedland? Is that, is that what a freak off is? Having sex with two people in one night?
35:51 Speaker 03 Well, they'd be like, that's, it was just like an orgy, it was just an orgy.
35:53 Adam Friedland? Oh, okay.
35:54 Speaker 03 That's what they called it.
35:54 Adam Friedland? Yeah, yeah.
35:55 Speaker 03 They weren't doing anything crazy.
35:57 Adam Friedland? I don't know what-
35:58 Speaker 03 I mean, not like illegal, probably.
35:59 Adam Friedland? It would be fun to go into the freak off, and you just have like a Zippo lighter, and you're like doing tricks with it.
36:04 Speaker 03 Or the guy with those lights, the finger lights at the EDM concert, yeah.
36:09 Adam Friedland? The devil sticks. Yeah, you're trying to sell.
36:12 Speaker 03 Every other room's an orgy, but one of them's just you make doing a show for people.
36:17 Adam Friedland? It's basically a dead lot.
36:19 Speaker 03 It's where everyone goes after they come and they need to recharge.
36:21 Speaker 02 Somebody explaining the Dark Carnival and the ICP albums, the Joker cards, what those mean.
36:28 Adam Friedland? You'd be like, I'd rather listen.
36:29 Speaker 02 Who the great Malenko is.
36:32 Speaker 03 That's one of the ICP guys, right?
36:34 Speaker 02 Uh, yeah, there's like a narrative to their first, like, six albums, yeah.
36:38 Adam Friedland? Yeah, yeah.
36:39 Speaker 02 And each, each album is called like a Joker card, and then each Joker card reveals more of the story of the Dark Carnival.
36:45 Speaker 03 Wow.
36:46 Speaker 02 And then they got, I remember the sixth one came out, and that's when it's the reveal, and it's like, just, it's like fucking, like evangelical bullshit, it's just about.
36:54 Speaker 03 No, what, it was God at the end?
36:55 Speaker 02 It's Jesus.
36:56 Speaker 03 Jesus at the end?
36:57 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
36:58 Adam Friedland? And it turned out also, it's, uh, Larry the Cable Guy, Bill Ingold, were doing those characters.
37:04 Speaker 03 I feel like so many ICP fans committed suicide, they found out this was Jesus at the end? That'd be so sad for them.
37:10 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
37:11 Speaker 03 They thought they were like evil badasses.
37:12 Adam Friedland? Mm-hmm. They voted for Kamala, I think.
37:16 Speaker 03 The ICP people?
37:17 Adam Friedland? I think that's actually true.
37:18 Speaker 03 Is that real?
37:19 Speaker 02 They endorse, ICP endorses Kamala.
37:21 Adam Friedland? I think they endorse Kamala, yeah.
37:23 Speaker 03 That's why she lost, too many celeb darts.
37:25 Adam Friedland? It was so confusing for me, because I was like, Dick Cheney, no, that's bad, I shouldn't vote for her, and then ICP, I'm like, oh, it's good.
37:31 Speaker 03 That's pretty good. Mick Foley, she got Mick Foley.
37:33 Adam Friedland? She got mankind?
37:34 Speaker 03 She had mankind, he did an ad for her, yeah.
37:38 Adam Friedland? He's one of the coolest guys ever.
37:39 Speaker 03 The, the blue collar people.
37:41 Adam Friedland? Were you a wrestling guy?
37:42 Speaker 02 He was doing stand-up for a while.
37:43 Speaker 03 No, not really, he does, he's still touring.
37:44 Speaker 02 Oh, he's still touring?
37:45 Speaker 03 I always see him at clubs.
37:46 Speaker 02 I remember that was one of those names that would come up on the calendar like fifteen years ago, and you're like, what?
37:50 Speaker 03 He's still doing it. And Cole Cabana does it too.
37:54 Speaker 02 I don't know anything about wrestling.
37:55 Speaker 03 Wrestler, I don't know much, but.
37:57 Speaker 02 I know Dwayne The Rock Johnson and John Cena.
37:59 Speaker 03 Those are the best.
38:00 Adam Friedland? Come on, you know more than that. Triple H.
38:02 Speaker 03 Triple H. Oh, and Hart, the guy who jumped off the top.
38:05 Adam Friedland? Yeah, yeah. That's what it stands for. Sinwar. Yeah.
38:08 Speaker 03 Who's the guy who killed his wife and then killed himself?
38:11 Adam Friedland? Chris Benoit.
38:12 Speaker 03 Chris Benoit, legend.
38:13 Adam Friedland? You know so many wrestlers. I'm trying to think.
38:15 Speaker 02 Goldberg?
38:16 Adam Friedland? Goldberg, yes.
38:17 Speaker 03 Goldberg.
38:18 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
38:18 Speaker 02 Goldust, the trans one.
38:20 Adam Friedland? The gay one. Yeah.
38:21 Speaker 03 Is there a gay one, is that true?
38:23 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
38:23 Speaker 02 Well, he's trans. He's like sexually ambiguous and he would like blow kisses.
38:27 Speaker 03 Wow.
38:27 Adam Friedland? But then he'd be gay when he was fighting a guy and it was like really a psych out. There was a guy named, uh, and as a kid, I was like, this is crazy.
38:35 Speaker 02 There was a guy named Mr. Ass. And he would wear a thong and, or like, you know, like, you know, like, what are they called?
38:43 Speaker 03 Breeds?
38:44 Speaker 02 Yeah, breeds. And on the, at like, uh, in the back, it would say, hey pal, check out my ass.
38:49 Speaker 03 The writers just ran out of ideas.
38:51 Speaker 02 Well, the whole, the whole point was like, he's named, is Mr. Ass and he's got a great ass.
38:54 Adam Friedland? Yeah. You know, I ran into while I was walking my dog. Mr. Ass? Brian Parisi. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he, he writes for WWE now. That's his job. Oh, okay. Yeah.
39:04 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah, cause another comic, Kenice was writing for it and they fired her after two days.
39:08 Adam Friedland? Gary.
39:08 Speaker 03 No, Kenice Mobley.
39:10 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
39:10 Speaker 02 Gary Kenice.
39:11 Speaker 03 Gary Kenice. Yeah, his black alter ego.
39:14 Adam Friedland? Wait, Kenice Mofo, you said?
39:16 Speaker 03 No, Mobley.
39:17 Adam Friedland? Oh, Mobley.
39:18 Speaker 03 She wrote for like two days and then they fired her cause she admitted she didn't know anything about wrestling.
39:23 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
39:24 Speaker 02 It'd be funny if she became, uh, you know, like, uh, somebody hit her in the back of the head.
39:30 Adam Friedland? With a chair?
39:30 Speaker 02 With her neck and, you know, at WWE. Or somebody piledrived her, right?
39:35 Speaker 03 Right.
39:35 Speaker 02 And snapped her neck and then she was paralyzed.
39:38 Speaker 03 That's why she couldn't write anymore.
39:39 Speaker 02 Well, then they have to call her Kenice Immobley.
39:43 Speaker 03 Kenice Immobley.
39:44 Adam Friedland? That tracks, that tracks.
39:46 Speaker 03 That was good.
39:46 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
39:47 Speaker 03 Didn't they just name Vince McMahon's wife the Secretary of Education?
39:50 Adam Friedland? I was gonna say, yeah.
39:51 Speaker 03 I love that.
39:52 Adam Friedland? I saw a clip of like, um, they're like, your new Secretary of Education is just like, every time like, Stephanie or her son slap her, like, like, uh, in the ring and stuff. Yeah, cause she used to like get involved with the fights and then she used to just get slapped and then I s- And then I remember that Stephanie was top shelf.
40:11 Speaker 02 I texted Shane.
40:12 Adam Friedland? And I looked at a bunch of patriots.
40:14 Speaker 02 I texted Shane like two weeks ago. I was like, hey dude.
40:15 Adam Friedland? She's one of the most beautiful ladies ever, yeah.
40:17 Speaker 02 I texted Shane like two weeks ago. I was like, hey dude, I know you probably have like some kind of like connection with the Trump campaign. Or the, you know, the, like, you know, the, the transition team or whatever, or his team. Can you please put my name in for Secretary of the Interior? And like, I'm like, I like, I need this, you know? And then he didn't respond. And I was like, dude, just following up on this. Like the window's closing.
40:40 Adam Friedland? Yeah, yeah.
40:41 Speaker 02 Just wanted to bump this. And then Shane was like, I can't. He answered so seriously.
40:47 Speaker 03 Which means that he thought about it. He's like, I wish I could.
40:49 Adam Friedland? So he really is at the Trump.
40:50 Speaker 02 Yeah, well, it's like, why can't you? I don't ask you for fucking anything.
40:55 Adam Friedland? Yeah, you haven't asked for a single thing.
40:57 Speaker 02 I've never asked for anything.
40:58 Speaker 03 Send in my tape.
40:59 Adam Friedland? This is your first favor.
41:00 Speaker 02 Yeah, exactly.
41:01 Adam Friedland? Your first after everything you've done for him.
41:03 Speaker 02 It's not like he wants it.
41:04 Adam Friedland? No, he has to be, he's like, he's doing stadiums.
41:06 Speaker 02 They're, they're gonna give Stab that fucking job, dude. He's like, oh, I'm sorry. I already recommended Stab for Secretary of the Interior.
41:13 Speaker 03 First Greek Secretary of the Interior. Yeah, that's big.
41:16 Speaker 02 And I'm like, come on, man. Come on, can't, can't we get a fucking dub here? Can't we get a dub? You're like, Stab gets the parks also. He gets all of the national parks on top of it.
41:28 Adam Friedland? They just give him everything.
41:29 Speaker 02 Right. What's he even gonna fucking do out there?
41:32 Speaker 03 Do you have a platform for the interior? What would you do?
41:34 Speaker 02 No more Native Americans.
41:35 Speaker 03 No, get rid of them. Put them in the exterior. Get them out of here.
41:39 Speaker 02 Yeah, exactly. We're, we're doing something else with them. I don't know yet, but we'll figure it out then. We're gonna call them Mexicans and kick them out.
41:49 Adam Friedland? They're a little bit.
41:50 Speaker 03 They immigrated here 15,000 years ago.
41:52 Speaker 02 We're just gonna say, these guys are Mexican.
41:53 Adam Friedland? They've got a little too full of themselves.
41:55 Speaker 02 Look at these guys and tell me they're not Mexicans.
41:57 Adam Friedland? No, they have.
41:58 Speaker 03 The Navajo look very Mexican, no doubt.
42:00 Speaker 02 I don't care if they have the paperwork or lack of, but to me, visual inspection, this is looking like, you know, you guys gotta get out of here.
42:10 Adam Friedland? They went Trump in the election, you know that. 65%.
42:12 Speaker 03 That can't be true. No way.
42:14 Adam Friedland? They, they just first persons went 65%.
42:16 Speaker 02 It's because everything's based on identity and they're all part of the casino community.
42:20 Adam Friedland? Oh, yeah, he's a casino guy.
42:21 Speaker 03 Big economics thing.
42:23 Speaker 02 They forget that, that this guy is like the casino candidate.
42:25 Adam Friedland? We should've got a casino guy.
42:27 Speaker 03 Finally a pro casino president. That's huge.
42:29 Speaker 02 Al Casino.
42:32 Speaker 02 Have you ever seen him in the movie Casino?
42:35 Adam Friedland? Who, uh?
42:37 Speaker 03 It's just a biopic.
42:41 Adam Friedland? Ooh, I'm playing dice.
42:43 Speaker 02 I'm doing dice.
42:46 Adam Friedland? I'm doing dice.
42:47 Speaker 02 This is the guy who's pretending he's seen Casino?
42:49 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
42:50 Speaker 02 Yeah, with Al Casino.
42:52 Adam Friedland? He's just lying.
42:54 Speaker 02 And he's like, dice, mama mia.
42:56 Adam Friedland? That speech, the Casino, Al Casino does.
42:59 Speaker 02 Ask not what your country can do for you. Casino.
43:04 Adam Friedland? And I will strike down.
43:07 Speaker 02 Casino Royale, I'm James Bond.
43:09 Adam Friedland? Yeah, that's good.
43:10 Speaker 02 Oh.
43:11 Adam Friedland? Sir, you're doing.
43:12 Speaker 02 Meet James Bond.
43:13 Adam Friedland? That's a good Al Casino.
43:14 Speaker 02 What's wrong Greg? Have you not fucking, you've never been to a casino before Greg?
43:19 Adam Friedland? No, that's Robert Casino.
43:20 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah.
43:21 Speaker 03 That's his father.
43:22 Adam Friedland? You're doing Robert Casino, not Al Casino.
43:24 Speaker 02 And then Ben Stiller's like, ah, Israel has a right to defend itself.
43:27 Adam Friedland? Yeah, yeah.
43:28 Speaker 02 There's nothing wrong with.
43:29 Adam Friedland? There's a weird part of that movie too.
43:31 Speaker 02 There's nothing wrong with Israel. Israel, Hamas attacked and you have to defend Israel.
43:36 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
43:36 Speaker 02 And he's like, I don't know Ben.
43:38 Adam Friedland? Gaylord.
43:39 Speaker 02 I don't know Gary Foxface, whatever your name is. Welcome to the casino.
43:46 Adam Friedland? We did.
43:47 Speaker 02 We've all seen Casino Royale.
43:49 Speaker 03 Wow, the fuckers.
43:51 Adam Friedland? Number two is, Meet the Fuckers is so funny.
43:54 Speaker 03 It's amazing. Isn't that where the baby says fuck or something?
43:57 Adam Friedland? No, it's where Dustin Hoffman and Streisand play fuckers, the fuckers.
44:02 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah, yeah, but doesn't the baby, like, he teaches the baby to say a bad word or something?
44:06 Adam Friedland? He's like training the baby like.
44:07 Speaker 03 Shit or fuck or something, yeah. Great. We watched that all the time as kids.
44:11 Adam Friedland? It's just, yeah, it's so fun. Like, those type of parents that are like overly like.
44:16 Speaker 03 Were they like hippies kind of?
44:17 Adam Friedland? Yeah, but they're like too sexual.
44:18 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah, they're always.
44:19 Speaker 02 I went to see, I went to see either, I can't remember if it was Meet the Parents or Meet the Fuckers. But I went to see one of them with my grandpa in the movie theater. And there's like an opening shot of Chicago and it's very clearly Chicago. And Chicago is, I can easily identify as a city. And my grandpa, for whatever reason, loudly in the theater goes, there's the big apple. And then it says Chicago and then he was just quietly humiliated for the rest of the movie.
44:44 Adam Friedland? He felt terrible?
44:45 Speaker 03 He tricked me.
44:46 Speaker 02 No, I didn't.
44:46 Speaker 03 How do you even comfort him after that?
44:47 Speaker 02 I don't need to comfort him. I mean, like, what are you doing yelling out like you have to let everyone know? That's New York. Cause he probably in his head, he was probably like, that looks like a different.
44:56 Speaker 03 Back then, they had the two towers too. It's so easy to know New York.
45:00 Speaker 02 He probably thought it was like the Gowanus inlet or something. And he wanted to let people.
45:04 Speaker 03 A stumble.
45:05 Speaker 02 Yeah, he wanted to let people know, oh, I know New York. That's that's Gowanus, you know? And so he's like, I gotta make sure everybody in this dark movie theater knows that the man vaguely somewhere in the middle of the theater. Knows a lot about Gowanus. And so he could yells it out and then it's like obvious that you can see the fucking Sears Tower.
45:22 Speaker 03 I'm good at geospotting.
45:23 Speaker 02 And just, yeah, and then he just.
45:26 Speaker 03 That movie sucks.
45:27 Speaker 02 Yeah, right.
45:27 Speaker 03 It was terrible.
45:28 Speaker 02 I hated it. And that's sort of the tragedy of life. You make it all the way to fucking eighty and you're still just doing shit like that.
45:35 Speaker 03 When New York City looks like.
45:36 Speaker 02 I'm not drunk, you're drunk. You're still just fucking embarrassing. I worked my ass off to put food on this table. Sure, I've seen Casino.
45:45 Speaker 03 What happened?
45:46 Speaker 02 Yeah.
45:46 Speaker 03 He doesn't know.
45:48 Speaker 02 You know how many Koreans I scalped?
45:49 Speaker 03 Yeah. Scalping Korean.
45:52 Speaker 02 I scalped.
45:54 Speaker 03 It's just like Native American.
45:56 Speaker 02 We're just fuck guys like you six feet high.
46:00 Speaker 02 You're in, you're in the, the Coast Guard, grandpa. Shut the fuck up. You don't know what it was like.
46:08 Speaker 02 Ooh, maybe I'll rewatch Gran Torino tonight.
46:10 Speaker 03 Wow, that's a fun one.
46:13 Speaker 02 Yeah, that, you have humong over in Minnesota?
46:16 Speaker 03 A lot of humong.
46:17 Speaker 02 You ever see that movie, Grand, Grand Casino?
46:19 Speaker 03 You're cool with them? They got good food.
46:21 Speaker 02 Yeah. Oh, what are you Chinese? Meet Chinese people.
46:26 Speaker 03 When I was a kid.
46:27 Speaker 02 I got a cool car. I'm James Bond and I got a cool car.
46:32 Speaker 03 That's spot on. That's a perfect one.
46:33 Speaker 02 If you close your eyes. I'm Al Casino and I fucking, you know, welcome to Detroit, Chinese piece of shit.
46:41 Adam Friedland? I'm racist, but I care about you.
46:42 Speaker 02 Yeah, he's James Bond.
46:44 Adam Friedland? And I'm James Bond.
46:46 Speaker 02 I've seen every movie.
46:47 Adam Friedland? Yeah, we know movies, dude.
46:49 Speaker 03 Are they Hmong in Gran Turin?
46:50 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
46:51 Speaker 03 They are, oh yeah. A Hmong guy went like crazy when I was a kid and shot a bunch of hunters. He was like hunting humans, like a couple, like an hour in the woods.
46:59 Adam Friedland? Because he was mad they were killing animals?
47:01 Speaker 03 I don't know why he was mad, but he was going around like sniping other hunters.
47:04 Adam Friedland? Maybe he was standing up for the animals.
47:05 Speaker 03 It was like a big thing. He might have thought they were animal. He was bagging and tagging them.
47:09 Adam Friedland? No, he's like saving the animals.
47:10 Speaker 02 Department of Secretary of Interior, I would put a stop to that, I guarantee you, that would not be happening.
47:15 Speaker 03 Hmong won't have guns.
47:16 Speaker 02 If they, if they, if they gave me that job, none, Hmong, you wouldn't even know, they'd be gone.
47:22 Speaker 03 They wouldn't be Hmong us anymore.
47:23 Speaker 02 Yeah, right, exactly. Hmong us part two, oh, oh, the zombies coming. Look out for the zombies, it's, it's the Hmong casino.
47:36 Adam Friedland? And I'm also Chinese. And I'm James Bond.
47:42 Adam Friedland? So you're cool with them over in?
47:43 Speaker 03 Oh yeah, yeah, they got good food.
47:45 Adam Friedland? What about the, uh, the Ethiopian?
47:47 Speaker 03 Somalis, big Somali thing in Minneapolis.
47:49 Adam Friedland? Yeah, you were cool with them too?
47:50 Speaker 03 Yeah, they got great food, yeah.
47:52 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
47:52 Speaker 03 Good stuff.
47:53 Adam Friedland? Were they in your part of town or you?
47:54 Speaker 03 No, I lived in the suburbs.
47:55 Adam Friedland? Which one?
47:56 Speaker 03 My dad's always afraid of the Somali people.
47:58 Adam Friedland? You in Golden Valley?
47:59 Speaker 03 Woodbury.
48:00 Adam Friedland? Oh, that's where our boy Steve is from, Golden Valley.
48:02 Speaker 03 Oh yeah, it's just, yeah, I know where that is, same idea.
48:04 Speaker 02 That's such a pleasant name, Golden Valley.
48:07 Speaker 03 Yeah, it's so boring.
48:08 Adam Friedland? I've like talked to his dad a couple of times.
48:09 Speaker 02 It's almost like if the town was called a woman's pussy.
48:13 Speaker 03 Nice, warm pussy.
48:14 Speaker 02 Oh, this sounds like a nice sub development. A woman's warm and hot pussy.
48:18 Speaker 03 Welcoming pussy.
48:22 Adam Friedland? I love over in a woman's pussy. Oh yeah, over there in, uh, woman's pussy.
48:27 Speaker 02 Hi Papa John's, do you deliver to a woman's pussy?
48:32 Speaker 02 Great.
48:32 Speaker 03 It's always open.
48:33 Speaker 02 I want the five, five, five deal. You guys remember that? That was a big one.
48:37 Speaker 03 Great deal.
48:38 Speaker 02 Five medium pizzas for five dollars each.
48:42 Adam Friedland? And I'm Republican and Trump killed me.
48:47 Speaker 02 Thirty minutes ago, fuck yourself.
48:50 Adam Friedland? It is very funny that Trump killed that guy.
48:53 Speaker 03 Which guy?
48:53 Adam Friedland? Herman Cain. Cause he like didn't stop having the rallies and he, no, no, he died.
48:58 Speaker 03 Oh, cause he was promoting Trump?
48:59 Adam Friedland? No, he got a COVID at a, at a rally.
49:01 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah. And he was like anti-mask. Yeah, I love that. That's so funny. Didn't Meatloaf die like that too? He's dead? Meatloaf was anti-vax and died of COVID too.
49:10 Adam Friedland? Now I'm processing this.
49:12 Speaker 03 Yeah, you didn't know that? We could have had Bad Out of Hell four. It's this tragedy.
49:16 Adam Friedland? How would that go, Nick?
49:18 Speaker 02 I'm bad out of hell and you're to blame. You give love a bad name. Right? That's right. That's.
49:25 Speaker 03 That's good. That's Meatloaf.
49:29 Speaker 02 I think so, yeah. Something like that.
49:32 Speaker 03 Beautiful.
49:34 Adam Friedland? Yeah, that's a good song.
49:35 Speaker 03 A legend lost.
49:37 Adam Friedland? That's a good, I wish he could have done it. If only he wore a mask.
49:40 Speaker 02 Uh huh.
49:41 Adam Friedland? If only he wore, if only he distanced. We could have had.
49:46 Speaker 03 It's been tough without Meatloaf.
49:48 Adam Friedland? Yeah. You ever been to Paisley Park?
49:50 Speaker 03 I have not, no. I never got into Prince.
49:52 Speaker 02 I'm doing the most obnoxious thing I do.
49:53 Speaker 03 You're doing every Minnesota thing.
49:54 Speaker 02 But I'm saying every fact.
49:55 Speaker 03 I never got into Prince.
49:56 Speaker 02 That's not really the most obnoxious thing you do.
49:58 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah, that could be worse thing.
49:59 Speaker 02 What do you mean? The conniving lying part? No, it was just shitting your pants in my apartment on the chair.
50:03 Adam Friedland? That's not annoying. That's a medical thing.
50:04 Speaker 02 That was pretty annoying.
50:05 Speaker 03 Did you do that?
50:06 Adam Friedland? If someone has cancer, you can't be annoyed by it.
50:08 Speaker 02 Yeah, and he didn't wear special pants. He was very proud of.
50:11 Adam Friedland? We have to relive this every.
50:12 Speaker 03 I shit my pants in my apartment once.
50:14 Speaker 02 We don't have to relive it. I would hope you're not shitting yourself.
50:15 Adam Friedland? I did shit in Nick's apartment.
50:17 Speaker 03 Wow.
50:17 Adam Friedland? Well, if that's the worst thing about me, then I'm a pretty good guy.
50:19 Speaker 02 He shit his pants in my car and in my apartment.
50:21 Adam Friedland? No, I threw up in your car.
50:22 Speaker 03 Two, two is too much. You get one.
50:23 Adam Friedland? I threw up in your car.
50:25 Speaker 03 Do you know Ronan Hirschberg?
50:26 Adam Friedland? Yes.
50:27 Speaker 03 You know Ronan? I used to live with Ronan and he would take a bath every day.
50:30 Adam Friedland? Wait, wait. So he, he took a bath?
50:32 Speaker 03 He took a bath every day. No, and then I had to take a shit badly, but I was too much of a, like a Midwest passive aggressive bitch to knock on the door. So I just ended up shitting my pants in our living room.
50:43 Speaker 02 Mm-hmm.
50:43 Speaker 03 Cause I wouldn't knock on the door to go in there.
50:46 Speaker 02 That is, that is.
50:47 Speaker 03 It's the lowest moment of my life. I just wanted to show that you're not alone.
50:49 Speaker 02 One of the most passive aggressive things I've ever heard in my life.
50:51 Speaker 03 Yeah, I wouldn't knock on the door.
50:52 Speaker 02 Well, I guess I'll just shit my pants. Midwesters just say thank you and don't mean it. That's even dumber than like a teenager killing themselves.
51:00 Adam Friedland? You know what I mean? They're like, oh, you're gonna break up with me after dating for two weeks?
51:03 Speaker 03 And then I had to go to an open mic half an hour later. That was the saddest part.
51:07 Adam Friedland? First of all, your roommate is a bath guy, okay?
51:09 Speaker 03 Every morning, he took a bath for an hour and a half.
51:12 Adam Friedland? You can't get alpha'd by that.
51:13 Speaker 02 Can you imagine how bad that would be?
51:15 Speaker 03 He was reading a fucking Proust book in the bathroom.
51:17 Speaker 02 You're like new to comedy and you've, you've been doing it like six months and it's not going anywhere and you're not very good at it. You go to an open mic and then a guy whose pants are filled with shit does better than you at the open mic? And you're like, I don't, should I kill myself?
51:34 Speaker 03 It's humbling. It's humbling. You gotta shit your pants every couple of years.
51:38 Speaker 02 Yeah, at the creek.
51:39 Speaker 03 It brings you down.
51:40 Speaker 02 At the Sunday 2pm mic.
51:42 Adam Friedland? Hey Pete, am I out of frame?
51:44 Speaker 03 Yeah.
51:44 Adam Friedland? Okay. Alright, good. Speaking of frames, Aura Frames, if you want to hear them.
51:49 Speaker 02 Yeah, Aura Frames.
51:50 Adam Friedland? For $5.5 off.
51:51 Speaker 03 Aura Frames.
51:52 Adam Friedland? Check it out. Promo code TAFS. Yeah, you guys in the Midwest, their politeness is rude to me.
51:58 Speaker 03 Yeah, they're polite till they have to vote away your rights in the voting booth. Then they're, yeah.
52:03 Adam Friedland? In the voting booth?
52:03 Speaker 03 I don't know why I keep fucking up words with a B. What the fuck? You vote in the both in Brushwick.
52:08 Adam Friedland? In Brushwick?
52:10 Speaker 02 How about like Prairie Homo companion? And he's like, wow, what's this like a prairie? I'm so glad we're here together. I love coming to the prairie with you.
52:20 Speaker 03 What's this town? They're from Lake Wobegon?
52:23 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
52:23 Speaker 02 Yeah, Lake Wobegon.
52:25 Adam Friedland? Over there in Lake Wobegon, there was the big, one of the biggest gay guys.
52:30 Speaker 02 You know what I loved? Sucking cock. You know, that's, oh, yeah.
52:34 Speaker 03 Nothing gets you through the winter, like sucking some cock.
52:36 Speaker 02 Oh yeah, there's nothing better than that.
52:38 Speaker 03 How to keep warm in the winter.
52:39 Speaker 02 Yeah. And it's, you know what I, I love the most? That we're best friends. You know, we're companions, basically.
52:46 Speaker 03 We hate the Somalis.
52:47 Adam Friedland? It's our little secret.
52:48 Speaker 02 It's, yeah.
52:49 Adam Friedland? We're like fifty, gay guys in the 50s.
52:51 Speaker 02 Yeah, I like that.
52:52 Adam Friedland? We call each other companions.
52:53 Speaker 02 I like to cut a hole in the ice and then I stick my ass up from the hole and just see what happens. Yeah, just see what happens.
53:00 Adam Friedland? Over there in Lake Wobegon.
53:02 Speaker 03 The wall I clean up my asshole.
53:03 Speaker 02 Yeah, I got frostbite on my, my cheeks again.
53:08 Speaker 02 The prairie homo.
53:09 Speaker 03 The prairie homo. Didn't he get cancelled too?
53:13 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, that was one of the funniest.
53:14 Speaker 03 He didn't really do anything.
53:16 Speaker 02 Yeah.
53:16 Speaker 03 This was like, I touched a woman's back, kinda weird.
53:19 Speaker 02 Yeah, right. He had Neil deGrasse Tyson sort of cancellation.
53:22 Speaker 03 Oh, was it?
53:23 Speaker 02 Yeah, a guy took a picture wrong.
53:25 Speaker 03 Is that what it was?
53:26 Speaker 02 Kind of, yeah.
53:27 Adam Friedland? Eli Weasel also was another funny one.
53:30 Speaker 03 The Holocaust guy?
53:31 Adam Friedland? Yeah, the guy that wrote the Holocaust book.
53:33 Speaker 02 Yeah, he was hiding in a woman's pussy.
53:35 Adam Friedland? They took, they took.
53:39 Adam Friedland? You do anything to survive.
53:40 Speaker 03 How come you check on my gas chamber?
53:42 Adam Friedland? Yeah, they took a picture and his arm was too low.
53:44 Speaker 03 Oh my, I think if you survived the Holocaust, you can touch women whenever you want.
53:48 Adam Friedland? She snitched on him.
53:49 Speaker 03 After he died?
53:50 Adam Friedland? Posthumously, yeah.
53:53 Speaker 02 Yeah, his arm going around and he was doing the shocker.
53:55 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
53:56 Speaker 02 He's doing the sufi, remember that?
53:58 Adam Friedland? You do anything to survive.
53:59 Speaker 02 Remember the sufi?
54:01 Speaker 03 Is that what the shocker was called?
54:02 Speaker 02 No, it was like fucking Dane Cook at his own.
54:05 Adam Friedland? Oh yeah, it was this.
54:06 Speaker 02 He's like, this is the middle finger? But what if you did all the other fingers? And it's, or it's this, it's like this, he's like, it's double. It's both fingers.
54:15 Adam Friedland? I wish I was a torgasm.
54:16 Speaker 03 And an entire arena goes, fuck yeah.
54:18 Speaker 02 Yeah.
54:18 Speaker 03 This is the greatest joke ever.
54:20 Adam Friedland? Dude, imagine like if we were a torgasm, this arena was.
54:23 Speaker 02 I can't wait to see how like culturally nauseating everything that we've done publicly is in like 20 years.
54:32 Speaker 03 Sure, like, like when you watch an old Dane Cook special.
54:34 Speaker 02 Well, even more than, even more than that, it'll be like an accident, like what the fuck happened that this is, like it'll be.
54:40 Speaker 03 Who let this happen?
54:41 Speaker 02 Oh, something like, you know, who's the boss, you know? You watch Who's the Boss now and you're like, shut the fuck up.
54:46 Adam Friedland? Yeah, clip of three guys with a microphone.
54:48 Speaker 02 Yeah.
54:49 Speaker 03 They look like the Adam Fried, that show like Charles in charge.
54:51 Speaker 02 Right, I look like a fucking complete asshole.
54:54 Adam Friedland? They're like, look at these losers.
54:55 Speaker 02 I look so stupid.
54:56 Speaker 03 And they made a set for it.
54:59 Speaker 02 Yeah, right, exactly.
55:00 Adam Friedland? These guys are just the biggest losers on earth.
55:02 Speaker 03 They don't even have a robot co-host.
55:03 Speaker 02 This definitely, this is definitely not crunchy or whatever the fuck people are saying. This is the least crunchy thing I've seen.
55:12 Adam Friedland? Look at the negative aura on these.
55:14 Speaker 02 Right.
55:17 Speaker 02 Actually, realistically, it'll be like, uh...
55:19 Adam Friedland? That's a positive aura.
55:20 Speaker 02 Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why?
55:23 Adam Friedland? We're just getting shit on by Chinese guys.
55:25 Speaker 03 It's still in English, yeah. Oh my god.
55:27 Speaker 02 Why, why, why, why, why?
55:29 Adam Friedland? Yeah, we just, we're mandated to speak it.
55:32 Speaker 02 No, we're not speaking it. This is the future. Everyone speaks Chinese.
55:36 Adam Friedland? That's what I said.
55:37 Speaker 02 It's them criticizing.
55:38 Adam Friedland? I said, we have, because we're owned by China, we all have to speak.
55:40 Speaker 02 Oh, you, you imagine we're still alive in this scenario?
55:43 Adam Friedland? I hope so. Twenty years.
55:44 Speaker 03 We just have to speak Chinese.
55:45 Adam Friedland? I got a good twenty years.
55:46 Speaker 02 Yeah, I don't know, Parkinson's, fucking neurological stuff.
55:50 Adam Friedland? Okay, I'm not, I'm not gonna be enjoying life. I'm not gonna be enjoying life.
55:53 Speaker 02 There's, there's a lot of...
55:53 Speaker 03 Yeah, you'll have faded rapidly.
55:55 Adam Friedland? I'm not gonna be, I'm not gonna be enjoying life.
55:57 Speaker 02 Yeah.
55:57 Adam Friedland? I'm already fading, brother.
55:58 Speaker 02 I'm gonna be too shaky to write the Chinese characters. It's gonna be a second language for you, and it's just gonna be...
56:04 Adam Friedland? I have the paintbrush, and I'm trying to...
56:06 Speaker 02 Yeah, right, the giant paintbrush.
56:07 Adam Friedland? I'm trying to impress them.
56:08 Speaker 02 Yeah. I was in a podcast with Starvin Nick.
56:13 Adam Friedland? What?
56:13 Speaker 02 This is no way to treat a Jewish man.
56:17 Adam Friedland? Yeah. Well, people won't remember me either.
56:19 Speaker 03 They won't be Jewish people anymore either.
56:20 Speaker 02 They'll be like, can you believe these guys were friends with the former Secretary of Interior and now first female president?
56:25 Speaker 03 Nick Mullen?
56:26 Speaker 02 No, stop.
56:27 Speaker 03 Oh, I thought you were the first female president.
56:29 Speaker 02 No, he was, he's getting the job of Secretary of the Interior.
56:33 Speaker 03 Could be you, you don't know.
56:34 Speaker 02 Do you see... And they invent a surgery where they just take your fat and it's like, so he's seven feet tall now and thin. They realize you can just squeeze people.
56:43 Adam Friedland? He's dunking.
56:44 Speaker 03 Like a skin graft?
56:45 Speaker 02 We never tried it, but we just put him in a squeezing machine and...
56:49 Adam Friedland? These Chinese are innovative.
56:50 Speaker 02 Yeah, it was, who knew it was that simple?
56:53 Adam Friedland? They knew that you could do that.
56:54 Speaker 02 You don't need Wegovy, you can just squeeze them.
56:59 Speaker 02 And he's the, the first seven foot tall female president.
57:02 Adam Friedland? Did you see that Trump at that, like, roast, the, like, Al Smith dinner before the election, where he did, like, twenty-five minutes?
57:09 Speaker 03 Did he? He's roasting everyone?
57:11 Adam Friedland? Yeah, he like, was like, he looked at Chuck Schumer, he's like, Kamala's gonna lose, but like, don't worry, like, your body's so woke, it's a woke party, it's very... I think Nick DiPaolo wrote his set. I'm pretty sure that's actually true.
57:22 Speaker 03 That's true?
57:22 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
57:22 Speaker 03 Wow.
57:23 Adam Friedland? It was like, your body's gotten so woke, Chuck, you could still become the first female president. And Chuck Schumer's just sitting there like...
57:29 Speaker 03 Oh my god.
57:30 Adam Friedland? He's just totally like...
57:32 Speaker 02 Keep sending the weapons.
57:34 Adam Friedland? This is Chuck Schumer every time.
57:38 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
57:39 Speaker 02 I don't understand why he wears glasses. Have you, show me, find me a video of Chuck Schumer.
57:45 Speaker 03 Of him reading?
57:45 Speaker 02 Well, using his glasses. Every time you see him, he's like, his fucking eyes are never lined up with the glasses ever.
57:52 Adam Friedland? Look at his cock, bro.
57:53 Speaker 02 What?
57:53 Adam Friedland? The only...
57:54 Speaker 02 He puts it to look.
57:55 Speaker 03 Just to look at his cock.
57:56 Speaker 02 Yeah.
57:57 Adam Friedland? It makes it look huge.
57:58 Speaker 02 No, he probably does this.
57:59 Adam Friedland? Yeah. Over the glasses.
58:01 Speaker 02 He's probably still, they're always just, you know, "Oh, I'm Chuck Schumer and I pretend I know how to read."
58:08 Speaker 03 It's like when the person that Chipotle is still wearing a mask with just covers their lips.
58:11 Speaker 02 Also, don't, do not find the video of that. I would, refuse to be fact-checked on that.
58:15 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
58:15 Speaker 02 I've seen one video where he's wearing his glasses too low and I think that's, that's all of them.
58:19 Speaker 03 You're correct.
58:21 Adam Friedland? So what's your problem with service workers?
58:22 Speaker 02 He used to wear them up here.
58:24 Speaker 03 Just that when they just cover their mouth.
58:25 Speaker 02 He used to, he used to wear them up here and then he went to a family reunion.
58:29 Speaker 03 They paid less.
58:30 Speaker 02 And he saw Amy and he went, "Oh, disgusting." And then he had to put them down. He's like, "I almost went blind."
58:36 Speaker 03 I'll put my glasses up.
58:37 Adam Friedland? I almost saw my cousin.
58:38 Speaker 02 I had to take my glasses down because my piggish cousin is, is blinding, you know?
58:43 Adam Friedland? Luckily, when the, when the earth started shaking, I knew that she was right behind me.
58:47 Speaker 03 He did it at Thanksgiving one year and then now he never put them back on.
58:50 Speaker 02 Right, yeah.
58:51 Speaker 03 Oh no.
58:52 Speaker 02 Well, they were on his face and then she started coming into the room and it was like...
58:59 Speaker 02 It was like Jurassic Park. It was like the T-Rex.
59:01 Speaker 03 Yeah, the glass of water.
59:02 Speaker 02 Yeah, right. They're all like, "Don't move."
59:05 Speaker 03 Amy's coming.
59:06 Speaker 02 If you, if you make motion, she'll start yelling at you about Gaza.
59:12 Speaker 03 You're a rapist, Chuck.
59:16 Adam Friedland? And she's hungry.
59:19 Adam Friedland? We should edit the Wayne Knight taking a shit in Jurassic Park.
59:24 Speaker 03 Oh, and he gets killed in the porta potty?
59:26 Adam Friedland? We should have just Amy eating.
59:27 Speaker 03 And it's Amy Schumer. Put the hamburger in her hand.
59:30 Speaker 02 Well, that's Wayne Knight in that movie.
59:31 Speaker 03 Yeah.
59:31 Speaker 02 I thought it was Amy Schumer.
59:32 Adam Friedland? It's Newman. It's Newman taking a shit, yeah.
59:35 Speaker 02 I thought Amy Schumer was playing the island in itself.
59:42 Speaker 02 And the whole movie is about the creatures that litter in our body.
59:45 Adam Friedland? Yeah, dinosaurs on Amy's shoe.
59:50 Speaker 03 His stomach rumbling is like a volcano.
59:54 Adam Friedland? I thought she was the island.
59:58 Speaker 03 She's the islanded lost.
1:00:02 Speaker 03 Incredible.
1:00:03 Adam Friedland? She's a continent. She's more continent than island.
1:00:06 Speaker 02 I love those Ford Explorers in that movie.
1:00:09 Adam Friedland? In where?
1:00:09 Speaker 03 Jurassic Park.
1:00:11 Adam Friedland? That was a real era. That car. Everyone had that car. You had one.
1:00:16 Speaker 03 Was it like a Jeep?
1:00:17 Adam Friedland? Yeah. My family had the Ford Explorer.
1:00:19 Speaker 02 Yeah, it was a hand me down from my aunt to my mom, then to me, and that was my first car.
1:00:24 Speaker 03 I totaled a Ford Explorer.
1:00:25 Adam Friedland? You had Firestone tires?
1:00:27 Speaker 03 Yeah, we did.
1:00:28 Adam Friedland? Remember that?
1:00:28 Speaker 03 Yeah, they all went out. We had to get new ones. That's right.
1:00:31 Speaker 02 Yeah, they would explode and flip the car.
1:00:33 Adam Friedland? The Ford Exploder.
1:00:34 Speaker 03 That would've been cool. Would've been a better way to go out.
1:00:37 Adam Friedland? There was an IT guy at my old job who used to say, "Oh, I see you're still using Internet Exploder." And I was like, "This guy has..."
1:00:44 Speaker 03 He's like, "You gotta use Netscape Navigator."
1:00:46 Adam Friedland? The most miserable life in the world. You must make that joke fifty thousand times a day. No one's laughed yet.
1:00:53 Speaker 02 Was that at Discovery?
1:00:55 Adam Friedland? Yeah, I was at Discovery.
1:00:56 Speaker 03 You were at the Discovery Network?
1:00:58 Adam Friedland? Yeah, family of networks. I survived a terrorism attack.
1:01:03 Speaker 03 Really?
1:01:03 Adam Friedland? Yeah, a guy came in with a bomb.
1:01:06 Speaker 03 To take down Discovery?
1:01:07 Adam Friedland? Yeah, there was like a Korean guy who got really mad about the show, The Duggars Show.
1:01:14 Speaker 03 The eight, because they had eighteen kids, right?
1:01:16 Adam Friedland? They had like eighteen kids, but it was like, he was like, "If you care about, if you're like for like conservation, you shouldn't be celebrating these freaks," which is kind of a fair point. And then he had a manifesto. I read it. And like every manifesto, the first half makes sense.
1:01:29 Speaker 03 Well, he was right because they were pedophiles.
1:01:30 Adam Friedland? And then he starts talking about the fishies and the duckies.
1:01:32 Speaker 02 Oh, this is real. This is real. This is not a joke.
1:01:35 Adam Friedland? And then he came to the... I think like six months before that, he was throwing like $50 bills in the air and he's like, "I'm giving money to someone that can make a better show than the..." He was really mad at the Duggars. And then he came in with a bomb and took the-
1:01:53 Speaker 03 It didn't explode?
1:01:54 Adam Friedland? Took like two or three people hostage and then SWAT team headshot, so to say, in the lobby.
1:02:01 Speaker 03 He got headshot?
1:02:01 Adam Friedland? In the lobby, yeah.
1:02:02 Speaker 03 Jesus.
1:02:02 Adam Friedland? And then the hostages got to go in Oprah, then they said.
1:02:06 Speaker 02 How does SWAT team work? It's like, so these guys do, like, they're employed and then they have nothing to-
1:02:10 Speaker 03 Once you kill your 10th black guy as a cop, you become a SWAT team.
1:02:14 Speaker 02 And then you have nothing to do all year until the off chance somebody like does-
1:02:18 Speaker 03 Yeah, they wait for a hostage.
1:02:19 Speaker 02 And then you're just Rainbow Six for, you know?
1:02:21 Speaker 03 Yeah, I think so, yeah.
1:02:22 Adam Friedland? They're probably so stoked.
1:02:23 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:02:24 Adam Friedland? When a Korean guy gets a-
1:02:26 Speaker 02 Yeah, and you get to show up in the big ice cream truck. That's the best part. Of that fucking murdered out ice cream truck.
1:02:36 Speaker 03 But the Korean guy was kind of a hero because he was anti this child abuse people, the Duggars. He was ahead of his time.
1:02:41 Adam Friedland? He didn't know that and I don't think it was nice to bring another bomb into my work. And they redid the lobby because they were like, "We need a new decor because it's gonna remind you of the parent."
1:02:51 Speaker 03 Why didn't he pull the cord on the bomb? Why didn't he do it?
1:02:53 Adam Friedland? Um, I think he was wearing like a, like he was doing C do, like he was a live shack.
1:03:00 Adam Friedland? He literally just-
1:03:01 Speaker 03 It was just a fake bomb?
1:03:02 Adam Friedland? No, no, I think he had like a suicide trigger or something. I don't know how they dealt with that.
1:03:06 Speaker 03 What a coward not to do it.
1:03:07 Adam Friedland? I mean-
1:03:08 Speaker 03 You built the bomb. He spent hours in his basement. Blow the bomb.
1:03:11 Adam Friedland? We got the rest of the week off. I came into work the next day, they had bagels. They were like, "You need to eat." It was like the most Jewish response to a trauma. Just make sure you're eating.
1:03:20 Speaker 03 We got ping pong in the break room now.
1:03:21 Adam Friedland? And then I got the rest of the week out, off. I was on the top floor, literally the safest place in the office, full disclosure.
1:03:29 Adam Friedland? I and I escape.
1:03:30 Speaker 03 Could have taken the whole building down.
1:03:31 Adam Friedland? I escape. And those lucky bastards, yeah, that were taken hostage got to go on Oprah. And just act about, act, I don't know, meet the lady. I also.
1:03:40 Speaker 02 Was that where, that's where Oprah showed up at the office?
1:03:43 Adam Friedland? She showed up at the office and I was in an elevator with her and like my whole life, I was like, boy, I was like Bill Burr about her. I was like, what are these broads listening to this fat soul about, you know? And I was in an elevator with her for like, uh, one minute.
1:03:57 Speaker 03 You got starstruck.
1:03:58 Adam Friedland? She is magic.
1:03:59 Speaker 02 She releases spores.
1:04:00 Speaker 03 I could see that.
1:04:00 Adam Friedland? She's a magic person. She's like, she's incredible. Just being around her is exciting.
1:04:05 Speaker 02 You get like a fungal infection in your nose and it goes into your brain.
1:04:08 Adam Friedland? She's just aw, she's so great.
1:04:10 Speaker 02 And then you're like, we gotta join the Oprah book club.
1:04:12 Adam Friedland? Kind of that's, I kind of, yeah. I felt that way.
1:04:16 Speaker 03 You're like, I see what Gail sees in her.
1:04:18 Adam Friedland? My friend's mom, I've probably mentioned this before, would, took them to church, like, uh, when Obama was president to pray because it was the devil or something, like.
1:04:27 Speaker 03 Oh, wow.
1:04:27 Adam Friedland? They were like.
1:04:28 Speaker 02 Did you know this?
1:04:28 Adam Friedland? This was, this was like a thing that went viral on Twitter a while back, but her real name is Orpa.
1:04:34 Speaker 03 That can't be true.
1:04:35 Speaker 02 And no, her name is Orpa and then somehow got changed to Oprah.
1:04:38 Speaker 03 Man, if she were an Orpa, she would still be like a public access show.
1:04:41 Speaker 02 Yeah, right, exactly.
1:04:42 Adam Friedland? Orpa.
1:04:42 Speaker 03 Orpa's been running for 40 years.
1:04:44 Speaker 02 You know, her birth year, she was born Orpa Winfrey.
1:04:48 Speaker 03 Terrible name.
1:04:49 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:04:49 Speaker 03 Orpa.
1:04:50 Speaker 02 And Richard Gere's middle name is Tiffany.
1:04:53 Adam Friedland? That's just cool.
1:04:54 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:04:54 Adam Friedland? That's just awesome.
1:04:55 Speaker 03 That's the guy who fucks for like eight hours, right?
1:04:57 Speaker 02 No, you're thinking of Sting.
1:04:58 Speaker 03 That's Sting, okay, they look similar.
1:05:00 Adam Friedland? But he doesn't bust, so it doesn't count.
1:05:00 Speaker 02 Which that came out and he's like, well, I'm too embarrassed to make music anymore. No one's heard from Sting and.
1:05:06 Speaker 03 Yeah, he hasn't done anything.
1:05:07 Speaker 02 You would imagine at some point in the last 10 years, you hear like Sting speaks out against Donald Trump and, you know, none of that.
1:05:13 Speaker 03 Yeah, he's just fucking, just fucking.
1:05:14 Adam Friedland? We need him more than ever now, yeah.
1:05:16 Speaker 02 Well, I think what happened was there was.
1:05:18 Speaker 03 Well, the police is a bad band name. Not really good for the culture.
1:05:20 Speaker 02 He kind of put it out there. He's like, I'm into tantric sex. And then there was a picture of him at like the beach or something and he's just got this, like the, a child's penis. It's very small.
1:05:30 Speaker 03 And. Someone's like, that's why you're fucking for eight hours, cause she didn't come.
1:05:33 Speaker 02 Right, yeah. I mean.
1:05:34 Adam Friedland? Well, Sting's got a shrimp penis?
1:05:36 Speaker 02 Yeah, just awful.
1:05:37 Adam Friedland? No way.
1:05:37 Speaker 03 Mick Jagger too, small penis.
1:05:39 Speaker 02 I think he wanted to present himself as like Mr. Fuck.
1:05:42 Adam Friedland? Yeah, yeah.
1:05:42 Speaker 02 And then people saw that and he's like, my career is ruined. Everybody knows I'm a fucking-
1:05:49 Adam Friedland? Such a good one.
1:05:50 Speaker 02 I don't know.
1:05:51 Adam Friedland? Sounds exactly like it.
1:05:52 Speaker 02 I don't know what he sounds like.
1:05:53 Adam Friedland? I don't know what he sounds like.
1:05:54 Speaker 03 That sounded bad.
1:05:55 Speaker 02 Everyone's knows I got a tiny willy now.
1:06:00 Speaker 02 They're gonna call the police.
1:06:01 Adam Friedland? I was in the pool.
1:06:02 Speaker 02 Isn't that the irony of it, they're gonna call the police now?
1:06:06 Speaker 02 That's the name of the band and now they're calling the police on me.
1:06:09 Adam Friedland? For having a small penis.
1:06:10 Speaker 02 For saying my penis is too small.
1:06:14 Adam Friedland? One, two, three. Um, yes.
1:06:17 Speaker 02 Roxanne.
1:06:19 Adam Friedland? They were like-
1:06:19 Speaker 02 Turn off the light before you look at my penis.
1:06:21 Adam Friedland? They were afraid of the Democrats and stuff.
1:06:24 Speaker 03 Turn off the light, I only fuck in the dark.
1:06:26 Adam Friedland? Yeah. And she got a grad degree and then went to her-
1:06:30 Speaker 03 Who did?
1:06:30 Adam Friedland? You know that song-
1:06:31 Speaker 02 My friend's mom who prayed against-
1:06:32 Adam Friedland? That song, Walking on the Moon is actually about fucking Amy Schumer.
1:06:36 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:06:41 Speaker 02 That's what that song's about.
1:06:42 Adam Friedland? Ooh, oh, fuck. What happens?
1:06:45 Speaker 02 I'm having like a fucking back muscle spasm.
1:06:49 Speaker 03 That's what you get for going after Schumer.
1:06:51 Speaker 02 I know.
1:06:51 Speaker 03 That's what happens. Schumer has powers we don't even know.
1:06:56 Speaker 03 You'll look, you'll think twice before doing that again. What was this, your friend, something?
1:07:00 Adam Friedland? Oh, yeah, yeah. She, she grad, she got like a, like a masters or something.
1:07:04 Speaker 03 Uh huh.
1:07:05 Adam Friedland? And then she went to her commencement and Bill Clinton was the keynote and she got her diploma from Bill and shook his hand. Democrat, rest of her life.
1:07:14 Speaker 03 Just because he shook-
1:07:15 Adam Friedland? He's got the magic. He's so nice. He shook my hand. He's got, he's got the Oprah ma, I think, maybe.
1:07:19 Speaker 03 He has the magic, yeah.
1:07:20 Adam Friedland? I'm, I'm, I'm not saying that it's right what he-
1:07:23 Speaker 03 I mean, and a young woman, he's attracted to them, so he's probably putting on the charm with her too.
1:07:28 Adam Friedland? A mom, but she said from like shaking a hand, she's been a Democrat.
1:07:31 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's, it's really like celebrities like that at that level. It's like they do have like some kind of- I met Donnie Wahlberg one time and it's like-
1:07:39 Adam Friedland? Oh, he's got it too.
1:07:40 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah. It's just like, holy shit, dude.
1:07:43 Adam Friedland? Wow.
1:07:43 Speaker 02 It's fucking Donnie Wahlberg. No, I mean it.
1:07:47 Speaker 03 From Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch?
1:07:48 Speaker 02 No, from Brother, New Kids on the Block.
1:07:50 Speaker 03 He wasn't in Marky Mark too? Oh, no, that was just Mark Wahlberg, damn.
1:07:53 Speaker 02 It's right there in the name.
1:07:54 Speaker 03 Oh, you're right. I thought it was a brother thing.
1:07:56 Speaker 02 He was in Donnie Duck and the Funky Bunch.
1:07:58 Adam Friedland? No, the Funky, the Funky Bunch was Fat Albert, the guy with his, the beanie over his eyes. They all hung out at a garbage place.
1:08:06 Speaker 02 Yeah, but Donnie Wahlberg was in-
1:08:07 Adam Friedland? They're like the boxcar kids of-
1:08:08 Speaker 02 Donnie Wahlberg was in-
1:08:09 Adam Friedland? A dump.
1:08:10 Speaker 02 He was in Bebe's Kids. That was, that's his-
1:08:13 Adam Friedland? Bebe's Kids.
1:08:14 Speaker 02 Yeah. Um, yeah, no. What was I saying? I don't know. Yeah, so I survived terrorism.
1:08:20 Speaker 03 That's heroic.
1:08:22 Speaker 02 Yeah. What's the most heroic thing you've ever done?
1:08:24 Speaker 03 Jesus, I don't know. I survived. I died as a kid.
1:08:27 Speaker 02 You did?
1:08:28 Speaker 03 I did. My heart stopped for like-
1:08:29 Speaker 02 For how long?
1:08:30 Speaker 03 Eight minutes.
1:08:30 Speaker 02 Did you meet Saint Peter?
1:08:31 Speaker 03 I wish. No, I just-
1:08:33 Speaker 02 You didn't see the kingdom of heaven?
1:08:34 Speaker 03 Just a boring eight minutes.
1:08:35 Speaker 02 There was no gates? Nothing?
1:08:36 Speaker 03 No.
1:08:37 Speaker 02 What, did you drown or something?
1:08:38 Speaker 03 Uh, car accident, kind of.
1:08:40 Speaker 02 Damn, so you got fucked up then?
1:08:42 Speaker 03 I choked on a seatbelt, yeah.
1:08:45 Speaker 02 Oh, you were eating the seatbelt?
1:08:46 Speaker 03 No, the babysitter left me in the car.
1:08:48 Speaker 02 You're like, ah, car accident, I choked to death on my dad's zipper.
1:08:52 Speaker 03 What? Yeah, my dad had a big cock.
1:08:54 Speaker 02 What kind of car accident?
1:08:57 Speaker 02 Yeah, he backed into a pylon going three miles per hour and I kind of choked to death. Awkward.
1:09:03 Speaker 03 Don't give head while driving. Don't give head while driving. Come on.
1:09:06 Speaker 02 Wait, so no one was driving?
1:09:08 Speaker 03 No, I was in a car seat and the babysitter left me in and then somehow I wriggled out and hung myself on the seatbelt.
1:09:14 Speaker 02 That's not a car accident.
1:09:15 Speaker 03 I know, I know. I didn't want to explain that. Yeah, you're right, it wasn't a car.
1:09:17 Speaker 02 I didn't want to explain-
1:09:18 Speaker 03 I killed myself. I was trying to kill myself at a young age.
1:09:21 Speaker 02 Our job is to kill time speaking for the rest of our lives. Nick does not like insulting cars. He's really like-
1:09:26 Speaker 03 He's pro car.
1:09:26 Speaker 02 He blamed the car and it had nothing to do with the car.
1:09:29 Speaker 03 The seatbelt.
1:09:30 Speaker 02 It was a seatbelt.
1:09:31 Speaker 03 The seatbelt was put on improperly or something.
1:09:32 Speaker 02 And she came back and then-
1:09:33 Speaker 03 She came, I was just hanging there.
1:09:34 Speaker 02 She did CPR?
1:09:36 Speaker 03 No, I think I got airlifted to a hospital or something. I was like eight miles, I don't remember, yeah.
1:09:41 Speaker 02 Yeah, they attached him in the bottom of the helicopter.
1:09:42 Speaker 03 Yeah, they swung me. I'm hitting all the buildings as we go by.
1:09:45 Speaker 02 I was saying, my neck's been like hurting recently and I saw, I came across on Twitter like pictures of people in, um, Iran that have been hanged to death. And I, my neck was hurting so much at the time, I'm like, damn, that looks like it feels fucking good. You're like, it's like a foam roller? Yeah.
1:10:02 Speaker 03 Can you get this kink out of my neck?
1:10:03 Speaker 02 Well, it takes all the pressure off.
1:10:04 Speaker 03 Could you hang me for adultery?
1:10:05 Speaker 02 I've thought about that. If there was some sort of cage I could put my head into and just hang from it. Yeah.
1:10:11 Speaker 03 Like a fake execution?
1:10:13 Speaker 02 Yeah, to put my neck in traction.
1:10:16 Adam Friedland? Have you seen that video? There's like that, like kid online, like that guy online, like no, he doesn't have a neck? And he goes to a chiropractor and then he's like-
1:10:23 Speaker 03 They stretch him out like an accordion and he has a neck?
1:10:27 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
1:10:27 Speaker 03 Is that how it works?
1:10:28 Adam Friedland? Well, it's like-
1:10:29 Speaker 03 It's like when your penis doesn't come, or your balls don't come down. It's kinda like that with his neck.
1:10:33 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
1:10:34 Speaker 03 Jesus. Brutal.
1:10:36 Speaker 02 Yeah, well, that's what happened. They stretched his necks out and his nuts got sucked back up into his body.
1:10:40 Speaker 03 You can only have one or the other kid. You get nuts or a neck.
1:10:42 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:10:43 Speaker 03 Can't have-
1:10:43 Speaker 02 Yeah, no neck Jay. The human fucking, whatever that desk, you know.
1:10:48 Speaker 03 They call him the human, whatever the fuck-
1:10:50 Speaker 02 Fucking, you know, the desk, like click, click, click, click, whatever that fucking thing's called.
1:10:53 Speaker 03 I don't know what-
1:10:54 Speaker 02 The human that, you know, the, like, like CEOs-
1:10:57 Speaker 03 Oh, when those balls go back and forth? Oh, yeah, they're showing, it's like, this is a duality of man.
1:11:01 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
1:11:02 Speaker 03 One goes in, one goes out.
1:11:02 Adam Friedland? It is the duality, man. I agree.
1:11:04 Speaker 02 Adam, tell them about this growth you found on your anus.
1:11:07 Adam Friedland? Um, I wouldn't call it so much of a growth as a, you know.
1:11:11 Speaker 03 You got a little bump?
1:11:12 Adam Friedland? Kind of a new, new part of me.
1:11:13 Speaker 02 Remember that thing, remember that like Guinness World Record, that Chinese guy that had a tinier Chinese guy growing out of the side of his head?
1:11:19 Adam Friedland? Yeah, that was always like, uh, Ripley's Believe It or Not.
1:11:21 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:11:22 Adam Friedland? Yeah, it was just more Chinese.
1:11:24 Speaker 03 They never have a Siamese twins where they're different races. That'd be great. You got a black eye on your shoulder?
1:11:29 Adam Friedland? That'd be, that'd be cool though. That'd be fun. I think in like a cum dump situation.
1:11:33 Speaker 02 Gary Siamese.
1:11:35 Adam Friedland? Gary Siamese.
1:11:36 Speaker 03 Gary Siamese.
1:11:37 Speaker 02 Don't call me that.
1:11:38 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
1:11:40 Speaker 02 I played Lieutenant Dan.
1:11:41 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm. Wait, a Chinese guy had a little, a little thing?
1:11:45 Speaker 02 Lieutenant Dan Dan noodles.
1:11:46 Adam Friedland? Yeah, that's good. That's good. Spicy. I remember when I was a kid, I was very confused when they got prostitutes after Vietnam and he lost his legs. I, in my mind, I was like, but how does he have sex with, because I didn't, I thought he didn't have a penis also.
1:12:00 Speaker 03 Oh, he might not, yeah.
1:12:01 Adam Friedland? But yeah, no, he was like pulling hoes over. Forrest Gump was like, what?
1:12:05 Speaker 03 That's right.
1:12:05 Adam Friedland? What is he saying?
1:12:06 Speaker 03 Lieutenant Dan.
1:12:08 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's weird that Vietnam produced a lot of amputees, but Iraq and Afghanistan, we got a lot of burn victims.
1:12:14 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
1:12:15 Speaker 02 You know what I mean?
1:12:16 Speaker 03 You don't see the effeties in the gutter anymore.
1:12:18 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's like they kept all the arms and stuff, but it's like guys that are-
1:12:21 Speaker 03 Horrible faces.
1:12:22 Speaker 02 Right.
1:12:23 Speaker 03 They got disfigured faces. Wow.
1:12:25 Speaker 02 And what caused that? The IEDs?
1:12:27 Speaker 03 Wasn't it the Persian Gulf, like there was like fire, because they put the oil wells on fire? It's like there was like oil falling from the sky.
1:12:35 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:12:35 Speaker 03 Remember in Jarhead, there was like oil falling from the sky?
1:12:39 Speaker 02 Is that a good movie? I can't remember.
1:12:40 Speaker 03 It's actually a pretty good movie.
1:12:41 Speaker 02 I saw it in theaters and I remember-
1:12:43 Adam Friedland? What movie?
1:12:43 Speaker 03 Jarhead.
1:12:44 Speaker 02 It wasn't really, I was expecting like Black Hawk Down, and it's not that.
1:12:47 Speaker 03 No, no, it was very little, no fighting at all.
1:12:49 Speaker 02 Yeah, it starts up, you see his ass, and I'm like, this is gonna be awesome.
1:12:55 Speaker 02 And then you don't see it again for the rest of the movie.
1:12:57 Speaker 03 No, they really tease you at the top, yeah.
1:12:59 Speaker 02 They should have called that movie Ass.
1:13:01 Adam Friedland? Yeah, they should have.
1:13:01 Speaker 02 A guy's ass.
1:13:03 Adam Friedland? Yeah, Jim Carrey. Rob Schneider is the ass.
1:13:06 Speaker 02 The ass.
1:13:06 Adam Friedland? Yeah. After the hot chick and the animal, he was supposed to be the ass.
1:13:11 Speaker 02 The giant ass.
1:13:12 Speaker 03 God, he's such range.
1:13:12 Adam Friedland? Woke culture took it away in the vaccines.
1:13:15 Speaker 03 He's the ass, oh my god.
1:13:16 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:13:17 Adam Friedland? I wanted to play the ass.
1:13:18 Speaker 02 That'd be a fun movie for him, a guy that gets a vaccine and turns into a giant ass.
1:13:23 Adam Friedland? He's like, honey, it's me! Fauci got me! He's farting all over.
1:13:27 Speaker 02 What happens to Dr. Fauci now?
1:13:29 Speaker 03 They gotta execute him.
1:13:31 Adam Friedland? We gotta, yeah.
1:13:31 Speaker 03 I feel like they have to, after all the talk, they have to.
1:13:34 Speaker 02 Shame.
1:13:34 Speaker 03 I'd be fine with a couple.
1:13:35 Speaker 02 No, I don't know about actually, yeah. Tarred and feathered, maybe, that makes sense.
1:13:39 Speaker 03 Tarred and feathered would be fun, too.
1:13:41 Speaker 02 It would be pretty funny to tarred and feathered an eighty-five-year-old man.
1:13:44 Speaker 03 What's the way they put him in the stocks? Put him in the stocks for a day?
1:13:47 Speaker 02 Yeah, pillorium.
1:13:47 Speaker 03 Everyone can spit on him and stuff. Yeah, that'd be good.
1:13:50 Speaker 02 I don't like the feathers. I don't like it. I don't even remember how he sounds.
1:13:56 Speaker 03 He's like an old Italian guy.
1:13:58 Adam Friedland? I network with him and hang out with him, so it's not-
1:14:00 Speaker 03 You know, you're not gonna talk shit about him?
1:14:02 Adam Friedland? I won't talk shit about anyone I've ever met.
1:14:06 Speaker 02 That's a good policy.
1:14:07 Speaker 03 That's smart, that's smart for your career.
1:14:09 Speaker 02 Even if they've done terrible things. Well, you know, we're in show business.
1:14:11 Speaker 03 We don't want to talk shit about people.
1:14:12 Speaker 02 You relentlessly talk shit to somebody until they smile like you. I remember my- You're like, "He's actually a really awesome guy."
1:14:17 Adam Friedland? I remember we made a joke once about Alec Baldwin. My dad called me, he was like, "You guys have to be careful, like you might."
1:14:23 Speaker 02 What if he was right?
1:14:24 Adam Friedland? What if just being like-
1:14:25 Speaker 03 He'll shoot you, he'll shoot you.
1:14:26 Speaker 02 What if Alec Baldwin made a bunch of phone calls and he's like, "Yeah, I'm gonna kill these guys."
1:14:29 Adam Friedland? Yeah, he's like, "Fuck you."
1:14:30 Speaker 02 "If we ever cross paths, I'll kill them."
1:14:32 Speaker 03 "I'm gonna cast them in my movie, I'm gonna shoot them."
1:14:35 Speaker 02 "I've done everything I can to prevent Adam Friedland from having a career."
1:14:39 Adam Friedland? If that is the case, I apologize.
1:14:42 Speaker 03 Baldwin's keeping you down?
1:14:44 Adam Friedland? Yeah, she shouldn't have been wearing that, you know? She shouldn't have been, she shouldn't have been-
1:14:48 Speaker 02 I miss that week I had laryngitis and I could do a perfect Alec Baldwin.
1:14:51 Adam Friedland? Yeah, you were really good.
1:14:52 Speaker 02 That was awesome.
1:14:53 Speaker 03 Dang, you could only do it from the disease.
1:14:54 Speaker 02 I had laryngitis and I sounded exactly like him.
1:14:57 Speaker 03 You gotta get it again.
1:14:58 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:14:58 Speaker 03 Gotta get it back. I don't know how you do that.
1:15:00 Adam Friedland? I have to pee so bad right now.
1:15:01 Speaker 02 Mago Lane.
1:15:03 Speaker 03 Go pee.
1:15:04 Speaker 02 Alright, well, let's end the episode then. Thanks, guys, thank you very much.
1:15:08 Speaker 03 Ah, just go to whitecomedian.com, I'm touring endlessly to the world.
1:15:11 Speaker 02 No, it'll be in Atlanta, at the Atlanta fucking either Helium or Improv, I can't remember.
1:15:16 Speaker 03 Are you at the Punchline? I was just there last week.
1:15:18 Speaker 02 I think it's either the Improv or the fucking, or if there's a Helium there, I can't-
1:15:23 Speaker 03 Yeah, it's the Helium, you're at the Helium, my boy.
1:15:24 Speaker 02 I'm at the Helium and-
1:15:25 Speaker 03 The Punchline's in the back of a diner, don't you know that?
1:15:27 Speaker 02 Yeah, in between December 6 and 7, 5 through 7, I can't remember, but someone-
1:15:34 Speaker 03 They'll look it up, they'll find it.
1:15:35 Speaker 02 That weekend, yeah, come check it out. But I tell you what I have to look forward to, a big evening of Man in the Iron Mask.
1:15:42 Speaker 03 Oh, tonight, gotta do it.
1:15:44 Speaker 02 And they can't take that, like, like, like, uh, Louis Anderson said, "You can't take that away from me."
1:15:49 Speaker 03 And the sort of legend, Louis Anderson.
1:15:51 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:15:51 Speaker 03 Famous gay man.
1:15:53 Speaker 02 Famous gay man.
1:15:54 Speaker 03 Yeah, he was, we love that.
1:15:55 Speaker 02 Did you ever hear Tom Rhodes tell that joke about meeting Louis Anderson?
1:15:58 Speaker 03 No.
1:15:58 Speaker 02 It's so funny.
1:15:59 Speaker 03 What'd he say?
1:16:00 Speaker 02 It's about like he's 19, he's new in Hollywood, and Louis Anderson's like-
1:16:03 Speaker 03 He's trying to fuck him?
1:16:04 Speaker 02 Yeah, but he's bringing him all around town before taking him to his apartment. So he's introducing Tom to like all these people and stuff, and Tom just has no awareness, he's like, "There's my friend." And Tom, he's a very funny man, very funny man, you know, he keeps coming back to this very funny man. And then the joke ends, I mean, I can't do it credit, but.
1:16:23 Adam Friedland? Yeah, I got, I got.
1:16:24 Speaker 02 Ends back at his apartment and then he, and then he corners him, he's like, you're a very beautiful man, Tom.
1:16:29 Adam Friedland? Oh, no. Louis, come on.
1:16:32 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:16:33 Adam Friedland? He had to do it.
1:16:34 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:16:34 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
1:16:35 Speaker 02 It's crazy because he would have, he was, he couldn't be out in the open because he wanted to work with children.
1:16:41 Adam Friedland? Anderson.
1:16:41 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:16:42 Adam Friedland? Okay, they're like a gay man can't be around children.
1:16:44 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:16:45 Adam Friedland? Cause they're always fucking them.
1:16:46 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah. Well, it was the nineties.
1:16:48 Adam Friedland? Yeah, yeah.
1:16:48 Speaker 02 It was like, you can be gay at a, at a distance.
1:16:51 Adam Friedland? He's groom, they thought he was a groomer, yeah.
1:16:52 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:16:52 Adam Friedland? Yeah, yeah. I'm going back through West Wing right now, you know, to remember a simpler time before the orange man, you know?
1:16:59 Speaker 02 Mm-hmm.
1:17:00 Adam Friedland? And, uh, it's so funny like how trivial every issue is.
1:17:03 Speaker 02 Mm-hmm.
1:17:04 Adam Friedland? It's like, should gay guys go to the army?
1:17:06 Speaker 02 Yeah. Well, like ninety percent of them are.
1:17:07 Adam Friedland? Those are like the toughest things to figure out.
1:17:09 Speaker 02 Ninety percent of them are the same things we still have issues with.
1:17:14 Adam Friedland? No, I think it's a little bit, it seems a little bit more.
1:17:16 Speaker 02 No, it's like guns and fucking race stuff, it's.
1:17:19 Adam Friedland? Sure, sure.
1:17:19 Speaker 02 It's all the same.
1:17:20 Adam Friedland? A lot of gun control.
1:17:21 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, but no, I mean, it's like, yeah, should, uh, like, uh, school uniforms was one.
1:17:27 Adam Friedland? Yeah, it's not like, should we deport eleven million immigrants?
1:17:29 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's not like, should we set up a Gestapo force to round up?
1:17:32 Adam Friedland? Can they wear an Aerosmith t-shirt to elementary school?
1:17:35 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It should, I wish it was more nineties stuff. It's like, should we make the internet illegal?
1:17:40 Adam Friedland? Yeah, yeah.
1:17:41 Speaker 02 You know?
1:17:41 Adam Friedland? Could porn, should porn be legal?
1:17:43 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that would be fun.
1:17:45 Adam Friedland? Yeah, it's a good show. And it's really healed me quite a bit since. Really? Good. I love to hear the he. Since he. Healed you from the orange man?
1:17:54 Speaker 02 Came back.
1:17:56 Speaker 02 Since he came back.
1:17:57 Adam Friedland? He's back.
1:17:58 Speaker 02 Him.
1:18:00 Adam Friedland? Don't say his name.
1:18:01 Speaker 02 He's ruining my life. Him.
1:18:04 Adam Friedland? So Shane really can't get you in there? What the fuck, man?
1:18:08 Speaker 03 You could have a lower post.
1:18:09 Speaker 02 It's too late, they already fucking.
1:18:10 Speaker 03 Postmaster general?
1:18:11 Speaker 02 Who's in here now?
1:18:12 Adam Friedland? I don't know, some dickhead.
1:18:14 Speaker 03 I actually don't know who did that one.
1:18:15 Speaker 02 Some fucking guy who sucks and he's not gonna do a good job and it could've been me.
1:18:18 Adam Friedland? Aiden Ross or something?
1:18:20 Speaker 02 Yeah, at least it's not Vivek Ramaswamy.
1:18:22 Adam Friedland? What, did he give him?
1:18:23 Speaker 03 He's like, uh.
1:18:24 Adam Friedland? He didn't give him anything?
1:18:25 Speaker 03 He's like, no, he's like government efficiency or something.
1:18:27 Speaker 02 Him and Elon have to share some bullshit.
1:18:28 Adam Friedland? Oh, they're gonna fire everyone?
1:18:29 Speaker 03 He says he's gonna fire every odd numbered person or something. He's gonna like go every other on the list and fire them all.
1:18:35 Adam Friedland? Sounds antisemitic.
1:18:36 Speaker 03 It is, these odd looking people, yeah. Exactly. Something like that. They're just gonna fire half of them.
1:18:42 Adam Friedland? You fire yourself, Vivek.
1:18:43 Speaker 02 Everyone, everyone seems to be mad about the Tulsi Gabbard appointment.
1:18:48 Adam Friedland? What is she, Secretary of State?
1:18:49 Speaker 02 No, she's like, uh, with, uh, Director of National Intelligence.
1:18:53 Speaker 03 Oh, really? Dang, okay.
1:18:55 Adam Friedland? A girl?
1:18:56 Speaker 02 And everyone's mad because they're like, oh, she's a Russian asset.
1:18:59 Adam Friedland? Yeah, yeah.
1:18:59 Speaker 03 Oh, okay.
1:19:00 Adam Friedland? Was it, she used to be Bernie?
1:19:02 Speaker 03 She was going to be, yeah.
1:19:03 Adam Friedland? She used to be, she used to be just like, oh, like a.
1:19:06 Speaker 03 She was like a hot Bernie.
1:19:07 Adam Friedland? I thought she was hot, but then I, you hear her talk and then she's like.
1:19:10 Speaker 03 She's not hot, her voice is not hot.
1:19:12 Speaker 02 I think it is. I think she's an attractive woman.
1:19:14 Speaker 04 And she's like, whatever, man.
1:19:16 Speaker 02 Yeah, but she looks like she'd sound like that.
1:19:19 Speaker 04 Whatever. I'm from Hawaii and I've, I've worked for Trump.
1:19:22 Speaker 02 I think she's hot. I think it'd be like hooking up with Turok, dude.
1:19:24 Adam Friedland? I mean, I would get.
1:19:25 Speaker 03 Turok? Is that the dinosaur hunter?
1:19:27 Adam Friedland? Yeah, N sixty-four, yeah. I would, I mean, I'd still fuck any girl, of course, but like.
1:19:34 Speaker 03 Nancy Pelosi, yeah.
1:19:35 Adam Friedland? I mean, I'm not, it's not a no, but I just didn't know.
1:19:37 Speaker 02 It's crazy. She's like ninety-six years old and like every year her titties get even bigger.
1:19:42 Speaker 03 They're sagging even more.
1:19:43 Speaker 02 Can you imagine doing like ninety-six and the doctors are like, yeah, you're still fucking hidden pubes? She's got like, her tits are like out to here.
1:19:51 Adam Friedland? No.
1:19:52 Speaker 02 She's like, we need to tell Kamala.
1:19:54 Adam Friedland? She needs to slap them around a little more.
1:19:56 Speaker 02 Right.
1:19:56 Speaker 03 They should've, she should've flashed them for the campaign. That would've been huge for Kamala.
1:20:00 Adam Friedland? Yeah, just zero percent.
1:20:02 Speaker 03 Nude Nancy Pelosi.
1:20:03 Adam Friedland? Just zero percent.
1:20:04 Speaker 03 She gets no votes after Nancy Pelosi.
1:20:06 Adam Friedland? This is beyond the pale.
1:20:08 Speaker 03 She didn't get a single vote in New York? Oh my god.
1:20:11 Adam Friedland? San Francisco, one hundred percent.
1:20:15 Speaker 03 Beautiful tits.
1:20:16 Adam Friedland? Alright, well, thanks for joining us today.
1:20:18 Speaker 03 Yeah, thank you.
1:20:19 Adam Friedland? You're the man.
1:20:19 Speaker 02 Thanks, man.
1:20:20 Adam Friedland? Love you, pal.
1:20:20 Speaker 03 There you go.
1:20:21 Speaker 02 Good luck with everything.
1:20:22 Speaker 03 Thank you.
1:20:23 Adam Friedland? I'm saying it that way.
1:20:24 Speaker 02 Why?
1:20:24 Adam Friedland? Good luck with everything.
1:20:26 Speaker 02 That's how I said it.
1:20:27 Adam Friedland? Yeah, good luck with everything.
1:20:28 Speaker 03 I'm gonna be thinking about that, like, what do I need luck for?
1:20:30 Speaker 02 You said everything, dude.
1:20:31 Speaker 03 Yeah, I guess I do, I guess I do.
1:20:33 Speaker 02 You fucking got strangled by a car seat.
1:20:35 Speaker 03 I think, I think I got lucky to survive, I already got luck on my side.
1:20:38 Speaker 02 That's a fucking, that is a bullshit way of looking at it.
1:20:41 Adam Friedland? Death is following you everywhere you go, brother.
1:20:43 Speaker 03 Death means nothing to me, you know?
1:20:44 Adam Friedland? It's like a-
1:20:44 Speaker 02 You're in like Final Destination.
1:20:46 Adam Friedland? Final Destination, yeah, yeah.
1:20:47 Speaker 03 Right, yeah.
1:20:48 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
1:20:48 Speaker 03 I'm finding ways to kill myself.
1:20:49 Speaker 02 Yeah, so we see him like walk out of here, there's like- There's gonna be like a shadow that lifts a piano up on the top of the building.
1:20:54 Speaker 03 I'll choke on a Cheerio or something.
1:20:56 Adam Friedland? You walk outside a truck, like swerves, like, you're like, just, there's an explosion behind you, you don't notice it?
1:21:01 Speaker 03 One of those Uber bikers is gonna get me. Those Uber Eats guys, they're gonna run into me.
1:21:05 Adam Friedland? I thought you could order a guy to drive you around on his handlebars.
1:21:09 Speaker 03 That'd be cool.
1:21:09 Adam Friedland? An Uber bike?
1:21:11 Speaker 02 They had, you could order a boyfriend. Driverless Ubers in San Francisco.
1:21:15 Speaker 03 Really?
1:21:16 Speaker 02 Yeah, this is fucking robot cars, yeah.
1:21:18 Adam Friedland? Yeah.
1:21:19 Speaker 03 The Wee- I thought you said the Weegers, they, they use them as drivers.
1:21:23 Adam Friedland? Yeah, no, those are Rickashaws.
1:21:27 Adam Friedland? Rickshaws.
1:21:28 Speaker 02 Rickashaw Ferguson.
1:21:30 Adam Friedland? To Rickashaw Ferguson!
1:21:34 Adam Friedland? New York Jets! Yeah. I'm gonna name my son to Rickashaw.
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