Pod Insights THE ADAM BUXTON PODCAST EP.268 - ADAM AND JOE About this episode Adam shares a helping of face-to-face, NOT in front of a live audience, spicy Christmas waffle cake with his old friend Joe 'Cornballs' Cornish. Expect gift exchanging, Made Up Jokes, celebrity couple news, hand music, what to do if a dog shits on your lap during a job interview, Adam’s newly confident K-Pop musical direction and more…
CONTAINS SOME FESTIVE BAD LANGUAGE AND MILD MULLED FILTH
Conversation recorded face-to-face in London on 9 December 2025
Thanks to Séamus Murphy-Mitchell for additional editing.
Thanks to Kid Klava https://kidklava.com/ for musical assistance on Adam’s Confident K-Pop song
Listen to Adam's album 'Buckle Up' https://adambuxton.lnk.to/BuckleUp
Order Adam's book 'I Love You Byeee' https://lnk.to/iloveyoubyeee_
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Podcast illustration by Helen Green https://helengreenillustration.com/
THE ADAM BUXTON BAND SPRING 2026 TOUR https://linktr.ee/theadambuxtonband
On sale on Monday 29 December 2025 at 10:00
IF YOU CAN, PLEASE HELP
MUSIC FOR ALL https://www.musicforall.org.uk/donate/become-a-champion/
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PICS AND RELATED LINKS (ONhttps://www.adam-buxton.co.uk/ADAM'S WEBSITE https://www.adam-buxton.co.uk/podcasts/82dyw29p3may2fa-dwb79-eycgn-fahgj-8yxba-c6hde-7lne6-5kthd-7a97e-9s3a8-yy37e-8nxyt-fzl6s-dyzny-wax8b-7jyex-3wh2h-a7m2y-bxwlz-5srns-t9c3p)
THE HAND MUSIC OF GRIPMASTER G https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hYwKpZ6au8Y (MATCH OF THE DAY) - 2022 (YOUTUBE)
GRIPMASTER G'S YOUTUBE PAGE https://youtube.com/@gripmasterg1354?si=CrS4937ja4a7pMkF
ADAM AND JOE MOUNT ON TAPE NOTES PODCAST http://linktr.ee/tapenotes - 2025 (LINK TREE)
ADAM ON SODAJERKER ON SONGWRITING PODCAST https://www.sodajerker.com/episode-308-adam-buxton/ - 2025 (SODAJERKER WEBSITE)
MANY MEN SOUND SYSTEM - PODCAST THEME https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPJOJLijHgI - 2025 (YOUTUBE)
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Transcript 16,461 words · 10 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 Adam Buxton? Hey, how you doing, Christmas podcasts? It's Adam Buxton here. On a very cold Christmas Eve, I'm here with Rosie. Say hello, Rosie. Adel patronize me, thank you. Apologize. Now, look, pre-jingle, I'm going to start with a message from Ben Jackson, who says, "Hi, Adam. This year, I've become the leader of a new male voice choir in Falmouth, Cornwall. We're called the Many Men Sound System, and we're a highly non-toxic group of men who sing a wide range of tunes from Jefferson Airplane to Hot Chip. And I conduct while holding a synth/drum machine, which gives us an unexpected electronic edge."
0:44 Adam Buxton? I don't think any of us expected that, Ben. He continues, "One of the things I've done this year as a warm-up/icebreaker is I've adopted your theme song and arranged it for the choir. Basically, people say their names and then everyone else joins in with 'He's a Man.' Here's a couple of examples. My name is Ben Jackson.
1:05 Speaker 01 He's a man. He wants you to enjoy this, that's the plan.
1:12 Speaker 02 My name is Paul Lydon. He's a man. He wants you to enjoy this, that's the plan.
1:20 Adam Buxton? There you go. Ben continues, "I've also done a full arrangement of your intro song with electronic backing, which we filmed and I've put it up as an unlisted YouTube video. There's a link in the description if you'd like to see them in action. All the best, Adam. Thanks for all your stuff. Hey, thanks, Ben." So here is the Many Men Sound System from Cornwall to play us in for the Christmas Podcast 2025.
1:43 Speaker 03 He added one more podcast to the giant podcast bin. Now you have plucked that podcast out and started listening. He took his microphone and...
2:12 Adam Buxton? Hey, thank you very much. The highly non-toxic many man sound system. And a very Merry Christmas to all of you podcats wherever and whenever you happen to be listening to this. I hope this podcast finds you well. My wife informed me the other day, she doesn't like that phrase. Do you ever use that at the top of an email? I do. I hope this email finds you well. I quite like it. She doesn't like it. She thinks it's pointless and annoying. I thought that was a very strong opinion to have about starting an email with, I hope this finds you well. Anyway, there you go. That's my brand. Welcome to another pointless and annoying Christmas podcast.
2:53 Adam Buxton? Wow, it's cold out here in Norfolk on a farm track on Christmas Eve 2025. I'm feeling uplifted on a number of levels. I like this time of year on the whole. And also today I had a very special thing happen, which was that yesterday at Castle Buckles, we were forced by my daughter to have a party for her and her friends. She's 17 years old and so that's the age group you're dealing with there. As any parent of teenage children knows, hosting a party for around 60 or 70
3:35 Adam Buxton? of them guys is generally unrelaxing. This was a great group of people, I have to say, but when we were clearing up this morning in the barn where the party happened, and that's my main base of operations there across the way. There's a lot of my knickknacks and bits and pieces belonging to my parents are still around that area. And one of them is a small ceramic statue of Jesus Christ. And it belonged to my mum. She was quite religious.
4:10 Adam Buxton? And I kept it on top of a shelf beneath the picture of Neil Armstrong on the moon.
4:16 Adam Buxton? And you see it when you come in through the door to the barn. But this morning, no Jesus. And of course, there were a few other things that had been moved around or were missing. And I got a little bit sad about the idea that Jesus had been removed. Especially because it belonged to my mum.
4:38 Adam Buxton? And I was thinking, what are they gonna do with Jesus anyway? My daughter phoned around. And just an hour or two ago, she came into my nutty room. Where I was editing the podcast. And she said the phrase that I never realised I would be so happy to hear from my teenage child. Dad, I found Jesus.
5:01 Adam Buxton? For some reason, J C had been relocated to an outside wall. I don't know why, what they were doing, but anyway, I hope it brought them some joy and it certainly made me happy. To be reunited with Jesus. Now, look, I don't really need to spend time introducing my guest for this episode, number two hundred and sixty eight. But before we get into the festive waffle party with cornballs. I just have a few bits of exciting news for you. Headline, the Adam Buckston Band are touring a selection of intimate venues in the UK. So if you didn't get a chance to see us this year, then I hope you can come out.
5:43 Adam Buxton? And enjoy some great, great music, tracks from my album Buckle Up, plus a few wonderful covers. And other bits and pieces with myself and various members of Metronomy. That's gonna be fun. But as I say, they're fairly small venues. So get in there fast. There's a link in the description. I was a guest on a couple of other podcasts recently, talking about the album, and those episodes have now dropped. I'm on the Tape Notes podcast once again, hosted by DJ John Kennedy, and myself and Joe Mount, the producer of Buckle Up, Joe Mount from Metronomy, chatted with John about how a few of the tracks from that album came together.
6:28 Adam Buxton? We played some outtakes and some weird bits and pieces, it was good fun. And I talked about some of the other tracks on the record on Soda Jerker, that's another podcast I really love, Soda Jerker on Songwriting. It's hosted by two songwriters from Liverpool, Simon Barber and Brian O'Connor, and they have got an archive filled with over 300 episodes with incredible guests. Recent people on that podcast have included Mac DeMarco, Black Country New Road, Sharon Van Etten, Suggs, Self Esteem, Labby Sifry, Graham Nash, The Last Dinner Party, Richard Thompson, Sleater Kinney, Damon Albarn,
7:10 Adam Buxton? they've all been on there. And now Adam Buxton has been on there. Anyway, links in the description to Soda Jerker and Tape Notes podcasts. All right, nearly there. One more thing before we get going. It is time to appeal very briefly to your festive generosity in support of a few organisations that are trying to make the world a better place. If you're able to support just one of these, I'd be grateful. But hey, look, if you're a wealthy podcat who would love to show your appreciation for the podcast in some way, why not go nuts and donate generously to all three of these? There's some links in the description to the International Humanitarian Organisation, Médecins Sans
7:51 Adam Buxton? Frontières, or MSF, aka Doctors Without Borders. There's also the Music For All Charity. They work with disadvantaged individuals and with community groups, helping them access music-making opportunities. Help them pass on the magical, healing gift of music. And finally, it would be great if you could support St Mungo's. Homelessness and rough sleeping are sadly at their highest levels since records began.
8:23 Adam Buxton? It's a terrible thing to see, but what can we do? Well, one thing is you could join me in supporting St Mungos. They're out there on the frontline every day. They're there right now, helping thousands of people, and your donation could provide someone who is sleeping rough with access to emergency accommodation, a hot meal, or whatever they need. Donations also help keep St Mungos teams out on the frontline. You'll find a link in the description to mungos.org/buxton, where you can find out more and donate what you can. It would be a wonderful Christmas gift, not just to St Mungos and the people they help, but to me too. Merry thank you. Okay, let's get to the festive waffle with
9:07 Adam Buxton? Joe Cornballs Cornish, who I sat down with a couple of weeks ago as I speak, in mid-December 2025, and we caught up a little, exchanged a few gifts, and read out some jokes from the podcasts. Thank you so much if you sent bits and pieces in. Apologies if we didn't get to yours. I will be back for a brief goodbye at the end of the podcast, and I might give a few shout-outs to some of the messages we didn't get round to, but which I particularly enjoyed. But right now, with Joe Cornish, here we go, ho, ho.
10:22 Speaker 02 Oh, it's so cosy in here, or it will be cosy when we light the fire.
10:27 Adam Buxton? Are you gonna light the fire?
10:28 Speaker 02 I'm gonna light the fire.
10:29 Adam Buxton? What are you using to burn?
10:31 Speaker 02 Well, I'm using the opposite of smokeless coal.
10:35 Adam Buxton? Uh-huh.
10:35 Speaker 02 Extra smoky coal. It's like smoky bacon.
10:38 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
10:38 Speaker 02 It's very, very bad for the environment.
10:41 Adam Buxton? Is it chilli-flavoured?
10:42 Speaker 02 It's chilli-flavoured Pringles smoky coal. It comes in tubes, tubes of, tubes of coal blocks. And then also, I'm gonna burn... Rare trees.
10:53 Adam Buxton? Okay.
10:54 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah, like endangered ones.
10:56 Adam Buxton? You know what I'm gonna burn?
10:57 Speaker 02 What?
10:57 Adam Buxton? Books.
11:00 Speaker 02 That's very au courant. For the current global political climate. This is a very topical Christmas fire.
11:05 Adam Buxton? It is.
11:06 Speaker 02 And very festive.
11:07 Adam Buxton? Who cares about books? Come on. I mean, look, I like audiobooks. I don't know about you.
11:12 Speaker 02 Do you?
11:13 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
11:13 Speaker 02 Are they flammable?
11:14 Adam Buxton? My ones are.
11:15 Speaker 02 They're so incendiary. Uh, a lot of your writing is very incendiary.
11:19 Adam Buxton? Well, some people disagree. A friend of ours forwarded a little mention in The Times, I think, of my audiobook, and it was in a collection of audiobooks you should listen to.
11:31 Speaker 02 This is I Love You By?
11:32 Adam Buxton? This is I Love You By by Adam Buxton, my second volume of memoirs. And it was generally a positive mention, but there was one line that said, "The book is really quite light."
11:42 Speaker 02 Mm-hmm. That's not a bad thing.
11:43 Adam Buxton? Is it not?
11:44 Speaker 02 People love light. They don't want heavy things.
11:47 Adam Buxton? It didn't sound very positive. I was just thinking, like, I poured my flipping guts out.
11:51 Speaker 02 Yeah.
11:52 Adam Buxton? There's some of my guts are in that audiobook and the actual pages of the physical book.
11:56 Speaker 02 But you're up against a lot of very depressing biographies, a lot of people who've really suffered terrible things in their lives.
12:02 Adam Buxton? Yeah, that's true.
12:03 Speaker 02 And you haven't done too badly comparatively speaking.
12:06 Adam Buxton? Both my parents died.
12:07 Speaker 02 Yeah, but that does happen.
12:08 Adam Buxton? They both died. I'm an orphan.
12:11 Speaker 02 Did they kill each other?
12:12 Adam Buxton? They would have done if they'd lived a bit longer.
12:15 Speaker 02 That would have made better. That would have been a bit heavier.
12:19 Speaker 02 You should have thought of that before you wrote the biography.
12:21 Adam Buxton? That's true. Okay, it's nice and cosy.
12:23 Speaker 02 The books are really going up lovely.
12:24 Adam Buxton? Oh, they burn so well, those books, especially the really dry ones. The sort of textbooks, the poetry, the science books.
12:32 Speaker 02 A lot of your books are water damaged.
12:33 Adam Buxton? Mm-hmm.
12:34 Speaker 02 Because you took so little care of them. And then they dried out again. So now the pages are separated in a really nice crispy way.
12:41 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
12:41 Speaker 02 So they're going up beautifully.
12:43 Adam Buxton? Yeah, some of them, back when I used to read books in the bath, that happens, doesn't it?
12:48 Speaker 02 Yes, it's a sign of a really well carefully read book to have a crinkly, crinkly, X-dabbed pages.
12:53 Adam Buxton? And they burn so much better because the air gets between the pages.
12:56 Speaker 02 Yeah. Well, it's very warm and it's very Christmasy. We should say Merry Christmas to the listeners, shouldn't we?
13:02 Adam Buxton? I mean, I probably will have said Merry Christmas in the intro.
13:04 Speaker 02 Yeah, but we should say it.
13:06 Adam Buxton? Oh, okay, from us both.
13:07 Speaker 02 I should say it. Merry Christmas, listeners.
13:08 Adam Buxton? Oh, that's nice.
13:09 Speaker 02 We're in our Christmas shack. It's a few days before Christmas, shall we say.
13:13 Adam Buxton? No, we're live.
13:14 Speaker 02 Well, is it live?
13:15 Adam Buxton? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
13:15 Speaker 02 I had no idea.
13:17 Adam Buxton? Yeah, this is live.
13:17 Speaker 02 Why did I not realise that? What's going on with me?
13:21 Adam Buxton? This is live. The intro was recorded on maybe Christmas Eve or something.
13:25 Speaker 02 No wonder. That's why it's so shoddy.
13:27 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
13:28 Speaker 02 There you go. Yeah, this is live on Christmas Day from the Christmas Shack and it's great to be here. And you know, in the last couple of years, we've done a live show, haven't we? Speaking of liveliness. From the Royal Festival Hall.
13:41 Adam Buxton? From the festive whole hall.
13:42 Speaker 02 But this year, we're not doing it.
13:44 Adam Buxton? Why not?
13:45 Speaker 02 Uh, well, I think you've been doing a lot of live stuff, right?
13:48 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
13:49 Speaker 02 This year, and you're just a bit lived out.
13:51 Adam Buxton? Definitely.
13:52 Speaker 02 Yeah. And we thought we'd go back to the traditional way of doing this podcast, which is when we gave each other presents, or at least that's what I thought I'd do. As an excuse.
14:02 Adam Buxton? I've got you presents.
14:03 Speaker 02 I've got you presents.
14:04 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
14:04 Speaker 02 That's good. But usually also we do quite a lot of laborious audio.
14:09 Adam Buxton? Yes, there's a bit of laborious. There's some fun audio.
14:14 Speaker 02 Good.
14:14 Adam Buxton? It's not too laborious. Well, one of them is very laborious. I haven't done any. That's okay. And.
14:20 Speaker 02 I'm speaking into my teacup out of shame.
14:22 Adam Buxton? It's, it's podcast, it's Christmas podcast classic. It's two guys in a room with a fire. It's not a real fire, it's an audio fire.
14:31 Speaker 02 In the, at the North Pole, in the North Pole, at the North Pole.
14:34 Adam Buxton? Up the North Pole.
14:35 Speaker 02 On the North Pole.
14:36 Adam Buxton? Impaled on the North Pole.
14:37 Speaker 02 What a year, a year of Buckles Media saturation, a bestselling book all over the TV and radio. I mean, for a couple of months there, you were very difficult to avoid.
14:48 Adam Buxton? I'm so sorry.
14:49 Speaker 02 You were popping up everywhere like a rash, like a bad stink.
14:55 Speaker 02 But it was a lot of fun and we did a, we did a fun thing together in Sheffield, didn't we? At the Sheffield Documentary Festival?
15:02 Adam Buxton? That was great.
15:03 Speaker 02 The Doc Fest, Sheffield Doc Fest, that was fun.
15:06 Adam Buxton? We played a load of clips from the Adam and Joe Show.
15:08 Speaker 02 Yeah.
15:09 Adam Buxton? You were on excellent form. You were very funny. You did a bit of roasting of me and of the clips.
15:15 Speaker 02 Yeah.
15:16 Adam Buxton? It was good. Maybe we should do that again. I hope so. I mean.
15:19 Speaker 02 Well, we're thinking of doing something next year, right? Cause next year will be the. 30th.
15:24 Adam Buxton? 30th anniversary.
15:24 Speaker 02 Anniversary of the Adam and Joe Show in December 96. So maybe we'll do something live next year.
15:31 Adam Buxton? That would be fun.
15:32 Speaker 02 Yeah.
15:32 Adam Buxton? Because that was a really enjoyable night. And I went and dug up a load of clips that we haven't shown quite so often. And I even thought that maybe we could do a redux, re-digitize some of the old toy movies and get them all shiny.
15:47 Speaker 02 Like digitally enhance them.
15:48 Adam Buxton? Get Peter Jackson to do Titanic.
15:51 Speaker 02 Mate. Peter?
15:53 Adam Buxton? Peter doesn't say mate.
15:55 Speaker 02 Uh, he doesn't say mate. No.
15:58 Adam Buxton? What does he say?
15:59 Speaker 02 Uh, he says, he says hobbit.
16:01 Adam Buxton? Hobbit.
16:02 Speaker 02 Hobbit.
16:02 Adam Buxton? Chops. I haven't asked you about your year.
16:05 Speaker 02 What a year I've had.
16:07 Adam Buxton? How has your year been?
16:09 Speaker 02 My year's been good. My year's involved a lot of screenwriting.
16:12 Adam Buxton? Mm-hmm.
16:13 Speaker 02 And a lot of, like, pushing projects along. It's been a slightly frustrating year, I've got to say. It's been a year when everything seemed to take ages to happen.
16:22 Adam Buxton? Hmm.
16:22 Speaker 02 Do you know what I mean? Slow progress on lots of big things. But between all of that, I had a lot of fun. Few holidays, quite a lot of theatre.
16:32 Adam Buxton? Oh.
16:33 Speaker 02 I've seen Matilda the Musical four times.
16:36 Adam Buxton? Holy Moses, in one year?
16:37 Speaker 02 No, but I saw it twice last year. Yeah, I saw it twice last year. I saw it once before my daughter was born, once when she was little, and then twice in 25.
16:51 Adam Buxton? Hmm.
16:52 Speaker 02 The last time I saw it, can you believe they skipped a whole number?
16:57 Adam Buxton? By accident?
16:58 Speaker 02 Well, there's a number in that musical where she arrives at the school. Have you seen it?
17:02 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
17:03 Speaker 02 It's really good. Do you remember they slide out this big, the gates of the school?
17:06 Adam Buxton? It's spectacular.
17:07 Speaker 02 And it's the song where they go through the alphabet.
17:09 Adam Buxton? Oh, yeah.
17:09 Speaker 02 Very cleverly, lyrically, and they're sliding these wooden blocks with A, B, C, D, E, F, G on them and climbing up them. It's brilliant.
17:17 Adam Buxton? It's the first big show showcase number.
17:19 Speaker 02 That simply didn't happen.
17:20 Adam Buxton? What?
17:20 Speaker 02 There was a blackout, there was a pause slightly longer than usual, and then you were just into Mrs. Trunchbull, Miss Trunchbull, and that song, whatever.
17:33 Speaker 02 And the audience kind of didn't notice it, but we noticed it.
17:36 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
17:37 Speaker 02 So I went to the lady, one of the ushers at the interval and said, hey, did they miss out a song? And she said, yes. I said, oh yeah, why? She said, technical difficulties. And I said, okay. Are they gonna make an announcement or anything? She said, no.
17:59 Speaker 02 Cause you think about it, of course, cause then everyone would ask for their money back.
18:02 Adam Buxton? That's right. They don't wanna draw attention to it.
18:04 Speaker 02 Yeah, but they just had a technical thing and of course the show must go on.
18:07 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
18:08 Speaker 02 So they just kept going, but I felt I had a right to ask for maybe, I mean, they're quite expensive, those tickets.
18:14 Adam Buxton? Absolutely.
18:15 Speaker 02 Maybe fifteen quid back.
18:17 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
18:17 Speaker 02 Price of the ticket divided by the number of musical numbers.
18:20 Adam Buxton? Absolutely.
18:20 Speaker 02 Yeah.
18:21 Adam Buxton? You should have said, oh, okay. Well, look, there's been a little technical problem with my credit card. Because I appear to have paid the full price for the show that doesn't have one of the main numbers in it.
18:33 Speaker 02 Yes.
18:34 Adam Buxton? So if you could just sort that out, that would be great. And do it in like that patronizing passive aggressive voice.
18:40 Speaker 02 Yes, I'm very good at that.
18:41 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
18:41 Speaker 02 The other thing you notice when you go to a musical, a lot of, a lot of times like.
18:48 Speaker 02 They do those things a lot, right? Eight times a week. So like the guy, I guess I shouldn't name names, but one of the characters in it was clearly sort of, uh, he's spoken quite a heavy Cockney accent. And it's noticeable how relaxed he was becoming and how fast he was doing his lines. To the extent that you couldn't really understand what he was saying. And the audience were like, they were sort of, the melody of it was amusing.
19:17 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
19:17 Speaker 02 But you're like, fucking hell, slow down. It was odd. But apparently that's what they do like, cause the director isn't there every night. So after the press night and say the first week, things start sort of slipping. Do you know what I mean? And actors start like doing it sort of how they wanna do it. And not necessarily how the director sort of corralled them into doing it.
19:40 Adam Buxton? Come on, guys.
19:41 Speaker 02 Come on, guys.
19:42 Adam Buxton? Was this the same night they missed out the song?
19:45 Speaker 02 Uh, yeah.
19:46 Adam Buxton? Wow.
19:46 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:47 Adam Buxton? What else happened? Did they just start like improvising stuff?
19:51 Speaker 02 No, it was pretty good. It's a really, really good show. It's a pretty flawless show.
19:55 Adam Buxton? Yeah, of course.
19:55 Speaker 02 But if you do the same thing every night, but like, how long's that show been going on? Like 10 years?
20:01 Adam Buxton? Long.
20:02 Speaker 02 Six years? A long time. I mean, it's kind of mad, isn't it? Sort of like being trapped in an insane like Groundhog Day.
20:09 Adam Buxton? It's not the same cast, though.
20:10 Speaker 02 No, no, no. I think the transball actor's been doing it for a long time. He's really good. And Miss Honey's really, really good as well. I mean, it's really good. But you do the same thing that often over and over again.
20:26 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
20:27 Speaker 02 And it must drive you slightly mental, mustn't it?
20:29 Adam Buxton? I'm sure. That's why you have a bit of crack.
20:31 Speaker 02 Little bit of crack cocaine.
20:33 Adam Buxton? Hey, you know who I met this year and I interviewed him at a book show? Was Nigel Planer.
20:39 Speaker 02 Yeah, I've worked with Mr. Planer.
20:41 Adam Buxton? That's right. He was in.
20:42 Speaker 02 He was in Lockwood and Co.
20:44 Adam Buxton? Yeah. Yeah. It was really quite exciting to meet him.
20:47 Speaker 02 Yes. Nice guy, right?
20:48 Adam Buxton? Such a nice guy. We had a great chat. I was being interviewed about my book at the same festival. They said, look, Nigel Planer's here. He's got a book out. It's called Young Once, and it's about his whole career, but it focuses a lot on the amazing comic strip stuff and the young ones. And I said, yeah, great. I'd love to interview him. And it was really fun. We got along. I would say like a house on fire.
21:12 Speaker 02 Really?
21:12 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
21:13 Speaker 02 He's a very convivial man. And he likes talking about his, uh, you know, he's not cagey about talking about the young ones either, which is nice.
21:20 Adam Buxton? Yeah, he was very candid, talked about the bad times as well as the good ones, but in a non-depressing way. And he was really funny and sharp. And I had a great moment, the moment you dream of as an interviewer, which I wasn't expecting. At one point, I mentioned a bit that I particularly loved from The Young Ones that's always stuck in my mind. And in fact, I talked to Charlie Brooker about it when Charlie Brooker was on the podcast. And we both found that we loved this same bit from The Young Ones. When there's a little comic interlude fantasy sequence or whatever. And it's Nigel Planer and someone else playing some cheesy Las Vegas type entertainers.
22:01 Adam Buxton? And they're singing, well, I'm tying my dog to the railroad track. Does this ring any bells?
22:07 Speaker 02 No.
22:08 Adam Buxton? Choo choo train's gonna break his back. They sing this weird, sick little song in the style of these Las Vegas crooners. And so I mentioned that to Nigel and said, oh, I always loved that bit. And he's like, I wrote that bit. And he said, yeah, that was, that was my bit. And I was like, oh, cool. And then we started singing it together.
22:27 Speaker 02 No.
22:28 Adam Buxton? Yeah, it was great. So that was a highlight for me this year. Hey, look, we've got presents.
22:33 Speaker 02 Prezi time.
22:33 Adam Buxton? Not only do we have presents, but we have messages from you, the podcast. Thank you so much for sending them in.
22:39 Speaker 02 And made up jokes.
22:40 Adam Buxton? And made up jokes, all sorts of bits and pieces of communication.
22:44 Speaker 02 You know, talking of made up jokes, I dreamt a made up joke.
22:47 Adam Buxton? Did you?
22:47 Speaker 02 I did, yeah. Do you want to hear it?
22:49 Adam Buxton? Yes, please.
22:50 Speaker 02 What do you call the third movie in a series of movies about a gang of magicians? Who do heists and smoke heavily? Now, this came to me in a dream. Like Frankenstein came to Mary Shelley in a dream.
23:03 Adam Buxton? Really?
23:03 Speaker 02 A lot of the metaphysical poets dreamt a lot of their best material.
23:07 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
23:07 Speaker 02 So this is like that.
23:09 Adam Buxton? Okay.
23:09 Speaker 02 Things that come to you in dreams are always great.
23:12 Adam Buxton? That's true, yeah.
23:13 Speaker 02 Aren't they?
23:14 Adam Buxton? I mean, not me, no, not for me.
23:16 Speaker 02 Like Freddy Krueger? And Robin Williams in the film In Dreams?
23:22 Adam Buxton? What dreams may come.
23:23 Speaker 02 Anyway, so I'll give you this setup again.
23:24 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
23:25 Speaker 02 What do you call the third movie in a series of movies about a gang of magicians? Who do heists and smoke heavily?
23:33 Speaker 02 Okay. Now you emph- now you empha- now you empha- now you empha- see me three. Now you empha- see me three.
23:42 Adam Buxton? Empha- see me, not empha- see ma.
23:45 Speaker 02 Now you empha- now you see me, isn't that the name of the film? Now you empha- see me three. In the dream, it was really good.
23:53 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
23:53 Speaker 02 For some reason, in the dream, that little bit at the end wasn't a problem.
23:57 Adam Buxton? And it's the idea.
23:58 Speaker 02 Now you went for Seema.
23:59 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
24:00 Speaker 02 Three was not, doesn't land.
24:02 Adam Buxton? No.
24:02 Speaker 02 But now you went for see me three does land.
24:05 Adam Buxton? Okay, say it rhymes.
24:06 Speaker 02 Yeah, like, and it's important that it's the third one, because then there's an extra rhyme on it on the end as well.
24:12 Adam Buxton? That's a fun joke, man. That's always nice to have.
24:14 Speaker 02 It came to me. Have I made it clear? It came to me in a dream.
24:16 Adam Buxton? Yes, yes. Wow. You must have woken up and been really excited to, because it's quite dark. But it's also very funny.
24:24 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's a lot of my subconscious concerns. I don't smoke, but obviously somewhere deep down, the fact that I used to smoke is worrying me.
24:31 Adam Buxton? Sure, of course.
24:33 Speaker 02 Yeah. Pretty good, though, huh?
24:35 Adam Buxton? Amazing stuff.
24:36 Speaker 02 Amazing.
24:37 Adam Buxton? That's really good. Are we gonna have more jokes right now?
24:39 Speaker 02 Why not?
24:40 Adam Buxton? Okay, well, we should do the jingle.
24:42 Speaker 04 I'm a funny person. I often make up jokes. My jokes are more amusing than those of other folks. When you hear my joke, I think you'll find that you agree. Come on, you're all invited to a made up joke party.
25:01 Adam Buxton? Okay, here's one that really made me laugh. This is from Peter from the Highlands. And Peter says, this was written 18 years ago whilst interrailing around Eastern Europe. What happens when a badly behaved child from Slovakia falls into a volcano?
25:19 Speaker 02 I don't know. What happens when a badly behaved child falls into a volcano?
25:23 Adam Buxton? From Slovakia.
25:24 Speaker 02 Important, from Slovakia.
25:26 Adam Buxton? Bratislava.
25:27 Speaker 02 Nice.
25:29 Adam Buxton? Brat is lava.
25:30 Speaker 02 The brat.
25:30 Adam Buxton? The brat.
25:31 Speaker 02 Becomes lava.
25:32 Adam Buxton? Turns into lava, having fallen into the volcano.
25:34 Speaker 02 That's very good.
25:35 Adam Buxton? And Bratislava is a place from in Slovenia.
25:38 Speaker 02 Written 18 years ago. What has stopped Peter from the Highlands from sending that in over the last 18 years? Why this year?
25:48 Adam Buxton? Are you sure it's not some sort of cover for some sort of volcano-based child murder that's actually happened?
25:55 Adam Buxton? He pushed a child into a volcano just so he could do that joke.
25:59 Speaker 02 I think it happened accidentally. And then he made up the joke so that people would think, no, he couldn't have done that because he wouldn't have sent that joke in. You know, hiding in plain salt.
26:08 Adam Buxton? Right, okay, yeah. What kind of murderer does a joke that good about a crime they've committed?
26:14 Speaker 02 A cold-blooded genius.
26:16 Adam Buxton? Bratislava.
26:18 Adam Buxton? Have you got one?
26:18 Speaker 02 Uh, sure, I've got one. Let's have a look. La la la la la. Here we go. Dear A B and J C. This year, I tried learning French. I did not succeed, but in the process, I did come up with some spectacular puns. My worst offence is below. I told it to a French person once. She hasn't spoke to me since, though I believe this to be unrelated to the joke. Here comes a joke. Are you ready?
26:41 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
26:42 Speaker 02 What did the French man say when he was sad that he couldn't find his olive oil?
26:50 Adam Buxton? I don't know.
26:51 Speaker 02 I've lost the will to live.
26:53 Adam Buxton? Oh.
26:55 Speaker 02 That was quite good.
26:56 Adam Buxton? Oui, huile d'olive.
26:57 Speaker 02 Will to live, said in a French accent. Merry Christmas and bye, Natalie from April du durn. Ap- appel d'urn. Can you see that? Can you say that? Ap- appel d'urn. I'm finding that harder to say than the actual joke, which I thought I did very well.
27:15 Adam Buxton? Yeah. Hu- huile d'olive. I've lost the will to live. I've lost the will to live.
27:22 Speaker 02 That's good. And as you know, listeners, the test of these jokes is are they genuinely made up? You know, a lot of the jokes that were sent, one senses have been told before because they're kind of too obvious. So the sign of a good joke is sort of a tortured contextualisation, or the necessity of tortured contextualisation.
27:40 Adam Buxton? I Googled made up jokes the other day because I checked the provenance of some of these.
27:45 Speaker 02 Absolutely.
27:46 Adam Buxton? And in so doing, I used the phrase made up jokes and I ended up on a Reddit thread. And they just called them dad jokes.
27:56 Speaker 02 Well, hmm, that's flattering to dads.
28:00 Adam Buxton? I think that's slightly different, isn't it? Like dad jokes are sort of...
28:03 Speaker 02 Jokes come from dads. If you do the etymology of a joke, it's probably from a dad.
28:09 Adam Buxton? Why do you think that is? If you're gonna unpack it.
28:11 Speaker 02 Because dads are making a lot of effort to impress. You know, they're not really necessary in any other way, are they?
28:17 Adam Buxton? Yeah, that's true.
28:17 Speaker 02 For the survival of a child.
28:18 Adam Buxton? Yes, yes. Your mum suckles you and gives birth to you.
28:22 Speaker 02 Yeah, and generally protects and cares for you in your early years.
28:25 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
28:26 Speaker 02 Your dad has to justify his existence. So why not cracker corker, corker cracker? That's very sexist theory and it's obviously not true.
28:37 Adam Buxton? I don't think it's sexist. If it's sexist, it's sexist against men.
28:40 Speaker 02 Yeah, but it's like the old canard that, um, you know, women can't do comedy.
28:44 Adam Buxton? Oh, yeah, but you're not implying that. There's one or two very funny women.
28:48 Speaker 02 I think I am on a very profound sort of Stone Age primordial level.
28:53 Adam Buxton? I mean, it's so manifestly, right, okay, you wanted to deal tackle with it.
28:57 Speaker 02 I just wanted to make it clear that I don't really believe that.
29:00 Adam Buxton? No one believes that anymore.
29:01 Speaker 02 Okay, good. That was good, though. Nathan, that was very good. Even though I can't say where you're from, Appeldoen.
29:09 Adam Buxton? Google it.
29:09 Speaker 02 I'm gonna Google it.
29:10 Adam Buxton? Google it. No one says, what's the other search engine?
29:14 Speaker 02 Chat GTP.
29:16 Adam Buxton? GPT.
29:16 Speaker 02 GPT. Or my daughter and I call it Jacqueline Pepe.
29:22 Adam Buxton? That's a good egg, corn.
29:23 Speaker 02 Shall we ask Jacqueline Pepe?
29:25 Adam Buxton? Do you check facts with Jacqueline Pepe?
29:27 Speaker 02 We enjoy Piku Niku on the Nintendo Switch, too. What other games might we also enjoy?
29:31 Adam Buxton? Right, okay.
29:32 Speaker 02 That's what we ask Jacqueline Pepe. And she always comes up with the goods. And she does have quite a male voice. Do you have the male voice on Chat GPT?
29:40 Adam Buxton? I have. Jacqueline Pepe hasn't been speaking to me. I've never even.
29:42 Speaker 02 You don't use the voice? It's the most annoying voice. I mean, if they'd actually.
29:47 Adam Buxton? How do you turn the voice on?
29:48 Speaker 02 Millions of pounds of research to get the most annoying voice. It's a sort of awful, sort of Southern Californian, laid-back vocal fry voice.
29:55 Adam Buxton? How do you turn the voice on?
29:57 Speaker 02 There's a little speaker symbol at the bottom of the app.
30:00 Speaker 05 Appeldorn is a city in the Netherlands located in the province of Gelderland. It sits roughly ninety kilometers east of Amsterdam, forty kilometers south of Zwolle. On the edge of the Velua, a large forested nature reserve. It's known for.
30:15 Speaker 02 Okay, whatever. You've got a nicer voice than me.
30:19 Adam Buxton? So there you go. That's how you pronounce Appeldorn, and it's in the Netherlands.
30:23 Speaker 02 It sounds lovely.
30:24 Adam Buxton? Does sound nice.
30:25 Speaker 02 I'd like to be there now.
30:27 Adam Buxton? Okay, I made up a joke.
30:29 Speaker 02 Ooh.
30:30 Adam Buxton? See what you think of this. Can't believe that no one's ever done this one before. What's the opposite of a hijack?
30:37 Speaker 02 Oh, I don't know. Bye, Jack. Right. I mean, that's like- That's good, that's good, because it flipped the mental imagery in my head. I was thinking of like a LoJack. Yes, LoJack. And I was still in the sort of cops and robbers milieu. And you just flipped it into just a casual greeting to a guy called Jack. That's why it's such a good joke. Who is not in the criminal fraternity at all. No, it's nothing heavy like a- Hi, Jack. Like an armed heist or anything like that. That's very good. Bye, Jack. Very good. Thank you. That's very good, well done. It's not as good as now you went for see me three.
31:12 Speaker 02 But it's good. It's not as dark. I made up another one. What? I might have told you this one before. What did the Blue Peter presenter say when showing the audience how to neuter a cat? Um. You should be able to figure this one out. Come on, Christmas listeners, who can figure this out? It's a fun parlour game for podcast listeners. Say the setup again. What did the Blue Peter presenter say when showing the audience how to neuter a cat?
31:39 Speaker 02 Um, here's one I spayed earlier. Yes. That's good, come on, that's good, look at that smile, he's smiling. He's smiling, a real Santa smile with little rosy cheeks. Pushed up by the buckle smile. That's good, here's one I spayed earlier. I mean, that's dark as well, if you actually picture it on an episode of Blue Peter. But they did all sorts of edgy things on Blue Peter in the seventies. They didn't do that. They didn't do that, but it was a thin line between- They didn't do surgery. Pushing, pushing presenters off cliffs and showing you how to spay your cat at home. If they ca- does Blue Peter still exist? Yes. Does it? I think so, yeah. They'd probably do that sort of thing now. Probably.
32:21 Speaker 02 Probably. All right.
33:09 Adam Buxton? I think it's time we had a present, don't you?
33:11 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's gonna give a prezzy first? Who's gonna receive first? I feel like I wanna give you a prezzy first.
33:16 Adam Buxton? Your stack is bigger than mine.
33:18 Speaker 02 Here, have this one.
33:19 Adam Buxton? Oh, thank you so much.
33:20 Speaker 02 Adam's taking the parcel. Do you like that festive wrapping paper?
33:24 Adam Buxton? Yeah, brown, utilitarian.
33:27 Speaker 02 Very environmentally sound.
33:29 Adam Buxton? Definitely.
33:30 Speaker 02 Traditional parcel paper.
33:33 Adam Buxton? Thank you. This is so nice and exciting.
33:38 Speaker 02 I was thinking you could use these during the record.
33:42 Adam Buxton? Okay.
33:45 Adam Buxton? So, this is two little boxes. One of them says, "Tiny violin soundtrack for your sob story."
33:55 Adam Buxton? And the other one says, "Toot your own horn, if I do say so myself." So I'll open the tiny violin first.
34:02 Speaker 02 My thinking was that it was a shame you didn't have them while you were recording your audiobook.
34:10 Speaker 02 Because if there was a paragraph where you felt sorry for yourself,
34:13 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
34:13 Speaker 02 you could have played the little violin. And then if you were name dropping, or maybe, uh, writing about a triumph, you could toot the horn.
34:22 Adam Buxton? Well, I could, I mean, I could...
34:23 Speaker 02 Do you want me to open one of them for you?
34:24 Adam Buxton? Yeah, that'd be great. You do toot the horn.
34:27 Speaker 02 It's even got a little stand here.
34:29 Adam Buxton? Oh, this is great. All right, this is the tiny violin that I've got here. Oh God, it actually works when you do the...
34:35 Speaker 02 No, no, no.
34:36 Adam Buxton? The bow.
34:36 Speaker 02 Well, yeah, I guess it does. Yeah, because you press down. Yeah, there you go.
34:40 Adam Buxton? That's amazing. All right, here we go. Um, so this is a bit from "I Love You Bye." Uh, this is me looking at photographs of my dead parents. "I was sure I knew too what was going on in my nine-month-old head in the photograph. I would have been feeling that Mum and Dad were just the absolute shit, just the most fun, interesting, great-looking people in the world. And now, they're gone. Not just a few hundred miles away, but removed from the whole universe. Photos of violence."
35:14 Speaker 02 Now do a little horn toot. Because in a way, that's quite self-aggrandizing.
35:21 Speaker 02 I mean, it's so maudlin itself, a grand idea.
35:23 Adam Buxton? It's from my book.
35:24 Speaker 02 Can you do them both at once?
35:28 Speaker 02 There you are. That's the TLDR for, uh, I love you, bye.
35:35 Adam Buxton? Can you describe your book in sound?
35:44 Speaker 02 It's funny, because it's true. Isn't it?
35:52 Adam Buxton? That's what I should say to Anthony Hopkins. I read his book. It's called You Done Good, Son, or something like that. I really loved it.
36:00 Speaker 02 Yeah, I've read some reviews saying it was good. Like, well, he was diagnosed with something, wasn't he, recently?
36:05 Adam Buxton? ADHD, yeah, yeah.
36:06 Speaker 02 Yeah.
36:07 Adam Buxton? And, um, it is quite melancholy, the book. It's very definitely quite a lot of that going on.
36:16 Speaker 02 That's what people want.
36:16 Adam Buxton? And not too much. In fact, not enough.
36:20 Speaker 02 No, he hasn't. He hasn't done all. He's not known for his comedy, though, is he? Has he ever done a comedy?
36:25 Adam Buxton? That's true. I don't think he has done. He's a heavy guy, in the best possible way.
36:29 Speaker 02 Quite good little, um, little novelty toys, though.
36:31 Adam Buxton? Brilliant. Fantastic presents.
36:33 Speaker 02 At this stage in the game. God, you're good at presents. Well. I mean, you really are good. Gotcha. Was that Hopkins talking? Oh, you're good. God, you're good at. No, that was started in your. You're damn good. You're damn good. It's got to be a bit Welsh. God, you're God, you're good. Good presents. You're very good. I'm okay, but not great. I'm okay. Sounds American. What? Sounds American. No, no, that's Welsh. Okay. It is. Yes, that's. Thanks for the tip off.
37:04 Speaker 02 What I'm doing now is Welsh. I think you should, I think, and this is me directing you now, I think to make that clear, you just have to add the line. I'm Welsh. I'm Welsh. At the end.
37:16 Adam Buxton? I, I come from the valleys. I'm Welsh. The valleys. I come from the valleys. The valleys. He was a coal miner for a long time. A coal miner. I'm Welsh.
37:27 Speaker 02 Thanks, man. That was an amazing present.
37:29 Adam Buxton? Hey, feel free to use them as the podcast progresses.
37:32 Speaker 02 Yeah, okay. This is an actual nice present.
37:37 Adam Buxton? Really?
37:38 Speaker 02 That I hope you don't have. And if you don't like it personally, you can re-gift and maybe give it to your daughter.
37:43 Adam Buxton? That's lovely. How very thoughtful.
37:45 Speaker 02 Well, I'm ripping open the lovely sparkly Christmas tree paper. And it's padded. It's a some sort of a box and it's padded and it's quite heavy. I think this might be a musical instrument because it's in a sort of lovely leathery padded case with two little silver.
38:00 Adam Buxton? That's faux leather.
38:01 Speaker 02 Fasteners, yes.
38:04 Speaker 02 Oh, wow. So this, listeners, is like in a lovely cushioned velvet box. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven harmonicas.
38:13 Adam Buxton? You got all the different notes there.
38:18 Adam Buxton? Beautiful.
38:21 Adam Buxton? Are you quite good on the harmonica?
38:23 Speaker 02 Do you know what? I've always thought I would be.
38:25 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
38:25 Speaker 02 I've never put in any effort into it. And we've only got little plastic ones at home.
38:30 Speaker 02 Are you, so if you play a tune on a harmonica, are you supposed to be able to play the whole tune on one harmonica? Or am I supposed to swap them out depending on?
38:38 Adam Buxton? I've never seen anyone swapping them out. I think most songs are in one key, right? So you find the harmonica that's appropriate to the key your song is in.
38:51 Adam Buxton? What key is that?
38:53 Speaker 02 Hang on a second.
38:56 Speaker 02 We are on a pirate ship. Are we now? So why are we suddenly on a pirate ship?
39:04 Adam Buxton? Were you trying to do Captain Pogwash?
39:06 Speaker 02 I don't know. It just came to me. Sometimes when you're gifted. When you're gifted in a particular instrument.
39:12 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
39:13 Speaker 02 It's not, it's not an intellectual process. It's instinctive.
39:16 Adam Buxton? It's organic.
39:20 Speaker 02 Oh, talk about now you emphasi me three. It's my laugh.
39:28 Speaker 06 How are you doing? Are you just going tiddly-titty?
39:37 Speaker 06 He's turned it into a vocoder.
39:41 Speaker 06 This is going better than I could have possibly imagined.
39:52 Speaker 06 Which, tell us which keys they're in. Says on the end.
39:57 Speaker 02 Oh yes, that's an A.
39:58 Speaker 06 Find the C one, maybe you can play along with a song.
40:03 Speaker 02 Okay, I think that's probably a bad idea.
40:08 Speaker 06 Even on road trips when we didn't fight, I'd be annoyed with you all through the night, knowing you'd skip a great song that I'd picked because you'd declare it was shy. Solo.
40:41 Speaker 02 Yeah, that's a beautiful present, man.
40:43 Speaker 06 It's quite nice, isn't it?
40:44 Speaker 02 That's incredible.
40:45 Speaker 06 Have them in a little set like that.
40:47 Speaker 02 It is terrible though, I apologise to listeners, because there's nothing worse than somebody who can't play an instrument, playing an instrument.
40:53 Speaker 06 Don't say that, because that really does describe me in my entire career.
40:57 Speaker 02 I had a party and we had, well, we had some friends around once, and a friend of mine bought, you know, somebody along who that we didn't know very well.
41:05 Speaker 06 Yeah.
41:06 Speaker 02 And I got the guitar out, started playing some Bowie, you know, out of chord books.
41:10 Speaker 06 Sure.
41:11 Speaker 02 And singing along. And after about 10 minutes, we noticed this guy had gone. And we thought he'd gone to the loo, but then more time, but after about an hour, we realised he'd like gone, he hadn't come back. And we thought, well, that's a long time in the loo. And we knew that the internal door, because we lived in a flat at the time, we knew the internal door, which was down some steps, was double locked. So he couldn't have got out of the flats. So where's he gone? So we went looking for him and he was literally sitting like a cat whose cat flap had broken, outside the internal door, trying to get out. Because he couldn't stand.
41:47 Adam Buxton? The guitar.
41:48 Speaker 02 The guitar and the amateur hour Bowie singing.
41:51 Adam Buxton? Oh, wow. That's a bit much.
41:53 Speaker 02 It is a bit much, but it can be painful. But that's a beautiful gift. Thank you very much. That looks expensive. It looks more expensive than the blow your own, toot your own horn and, and mini violin set.
42:04 Adam Buxton? I'm guessing it was, but I did feel like, the thing is about this time of year, is that it's also your birthday.
42:11 Speaker 02 That's very true. Well, that's an incredible present. Thank you very much. And there's going to be a lot, a lot more harmonica in my life generally and my work.
42:18 Adam Buxton? I feel like you could be really good on that instrument.
42:21 Speaker 02 A troubadour.
42:42 Speaker 02 So, listen, it's been a big year for celebrity couples. And I'd like just to know what you, Adam Buxton, what your predictions are for some of our favourite celebrity couples next year.
42:56 Adam Buxton? Okay.
42:57 Speaker 02 And it's just going to shoot you some names, okay, and get your response. Diddy and Fiddy.
43:01 Adam Buxton? Diddy and Fiddy.
43:02 Speaker 02 Yeah.
43:03 Adam Buxton? Oh, yeah, okay. I just, I actually do know who they are.
43:07 Speaker 02 Yes.
43:08 Adam Buxton? Uh, Diddy's in Do Do.
43:09 Speaker 02 Why is Diddy in Do Do? What did Fiddy do to Diddy to get him into Do Do?
43:13 Adam Buxton? Because Fiddy done.
43:15 Speaker 02 Fiddy done the doco.
43:16 Adam Buxton? Uh, Fiddy done a doco, Diddy the baddie.
43:19 Speaker 02 Diddy the baddie, done a lot of baddies.
43:21 Adam Buxton? He done a load of baddies.
43:22 Speaker 02 According to Fiddy, Fiddy produced it.
43:24 Adam Buxton? Produced what?
43:25 Speaker 02 The documentary.
43:26 Adam Buxton? About Diddy?
43:27 Speaker 02 Yeah.
43:27 Adam Buxton? Diddy?
43:28 Speaker 02 Yeah, have you watched it?
43:29 Adam Buxton? Fiddy Diddy.
43:29 Speaker 02 He Diddy.
43:30 Adam Buxton? Did Fiddy?
43:31 Speaker 02 And you know who else is involved?
43:33 Adam Buxton? Fiddy Diddy Diddy.
43:33 Speaker 02 Dodi, Ken Dodi.
43:35 Adam Buxton? Oh, my goddy.
43:36 Speaker 02 Dodi, Diddy and Fiddy.
43:39 Speaker 02 Apparently, Dottie's making a documentary about the Fiddy Diddy feud.
43:44 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
43:44 Speaker 02 With his tickle stick.
43:45 Adam Buxton? On his body.
43:48 Speaker 02 Dottie's body, yeah, Dottie's tickle stick on his body, making the doco about Fiddy and Diddy.
43:56 Adam Buxton? Is it appropriate to be laughing at this?
43:58 Speaker 02 But what?
43:59 Adam Buxton? Diddy. Anything Diddy, but anything Diddy related. I mean, we're just, we're literally.
44:05 Speaker 02 Do you know who else is involved?
44:09 Speaker 02 Noddy. Noddy and Dottie and Fiddy and Diddy. Okay, you ready for another celebrity couple?
44:19 Speaker 02 Because I feel we've learned a lot about that. About that one.
44:25 Speaker 02 What about?
44:29 Speaker 02 What about Timmy and Kylie?
44:33 Adam Buxton? I don't even, I mean, I'm assuming Kylie is Monogue?
44:35 Speaker 02 No, no. Oh.
44:37 Adam Buxton? Oh, Jenna?
44:38 Speaker 02 Yes. And Timmy?
44:40 Adam Buxton? Shalame?
44:41 Speaker 02 Yes.
44:42 Adam Buxton? What have they got to do with each other?
44:43 Speaker 02 They're together.
44:44 Adam Buxton? Are they?
44:44 Speaker 02 They're an item, wearing lurid.
44:46 Adam Buxton? Kylie Jenner.
44:47 Speaker 02 Orange tracksuits and things.
44:50 Adam Buxton? Yes, yes, yes.
44:51 Speaker 02 What do you think 26 holds for Timmy and Kylie?
44:53 Adam Buxton? Each other's parts?
44:57 Adam Buxton? That's, I apologize to everyone.
45:00 Speaker 02 Timmy does very well to be, he's a very good actor and he does well to be taken seriously as an actor. But also to be a kind of figure of sort of zany paparazzi fun. Do you know what I mean?
45:13 Adam Buxton? Oh, yeah. He ticks all the boxes.
45:14 Speaker 02 On the, in the olden days, actors, serious actors, wouldn't really want to be sort of seen in that sort of tabloid-y, zingy, sexy, he's sort of like a pop star actor.
45:25 Adam Buxton? What's the film with George Clooney called Jay something or other?
45:28 Speaker 02 Jay Kelly.
45:29 Adam Buxton? Jay Kelly. Maybe you should watch that because that's what fame used to be like.
45:32 Speaker 02 I have watched that.
45:33 Adam Buxton? Right?
45:34 Speaker 02 Yeah.
45:34 Adam Buxton? Is it just like being dipped in golden celebrity juice?
45:38 Speaker 02 What it made me feel is how difficult it is to be very famous and wealthy.
45:43 Adam Buxton? Oh, yeah.
45:43 Speaker 02 And a film star is.
45:44 Adam Buxton? Really?
45:45 Speaker 02 Yes, really difficult.
45:46 Adam Buxton? Because I thought it would be fun.
45:47 Speaker 02 No, no, no. You don't get to see your kids and it's awful.
45:49 Adam Buxton? Really?
45:50 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, it's awful.
45:51 Adam Buxton? But I thought, I assumed that you'd make a lot of money, you have lots of fun.
45:55 Speaker 02 Yes, tick.
45:56 Adam Buxton? You go in a pool.
45:57 Speaker 02 Yes, tick.
45:58 Adam Buxton? You get a big car.
45:59 Speaker 02 Yes, tick.
45:59 Adam Buxton? And then it's all fun.
46:00 Speaker 02 No, but when your kids are doing a little, like a little show for you, you have to go. To to be on set and it's very, it's very difficult.
46:10 Adam Buxton? What about your sense of your own self? I I would imagine that it's pretty good.
46:14 Speaker 02 Because you're playing so many other people, you forget who you are.
46:17 Adam Buxton? Oh.
46:17 Speaker 02 It's all, it's really awful. I think it's possibly one of the worst jobs in the world. In terms of human suffering.
46:24 Adam Buxton? Yeah, yeah.
46:25 Speaker 02 Yeah. What about Zenny and Tommy?
46:27 Adam Buxton? Zenny and Tommy. Okay, so this is Zendaya.
46:32 Speaker 02 Yes.
46:32 Adam Buxton? And Tommy Lee Jones.
46:35 Speaker 02 No.
46:36 Adam Buxton? Tommy.
46:37 Speaker 02 Tommy's Spider.
46:38 Adam Buxton? Spider Tom. Higher Huddlestone.
46:41 Speaker 02 Who plays Spiderman?
46:43 Adam Buxton? Who plays Spiderman? Henderson. Holland.
46:45 Speaker 02 Tom Holland, son of a British comedian.
46:47 Adam Buxton? That's right.
46:48 Speaker 02 Yeah.
46:49 Adam Buxton? They're going out.
46:49 Speaker 02 They're definitely going out. That I think, are they married? They they were engaged. I'm not sure whether they're married. Maybe Jacqueline Peepy can tell us.
46:58 Speaker 02 I think.
47:00 Adam Buxton? Does it respond to Jacqueline Peepy?
47:02 Speaker 02 Uh, yeah, mine does now because we've called it, we've called him Jacqueline Peepy so much.
47:08 Adam Buxton? I like Jacqueline Peepy. Um, is Zendaya and Tom Holland going out? Is there, are they?
47:18 Speaker 02 It's a good start. That's a very modern, that's just a very modern moment. Is Zendaya and Tom Holland going out, are they?
47:32 Adam Buxton? How do you make us saying it to your phone?
47:34 Speaker 02 Hey. I think that just saying that to your phone might have made you young again.
47:39 Speaker 05 Appeldorn is a city in the Netherlands located in the province of Gelderland.
47:43 Adam Buxton? We've done that one. Uh, okay, all right, it's down here.
47:49 Speaker 05 Good question. As of now, yes, Zendaya and Tom Holland are together and not just dating, they're now engaged.
47:55 Speaker 02 Mm hmm.
47:55 Speaker 05 The two publicly became a couple in 2021 after years of speculation. In January 2025, their engagement was confirmed. Zendaya appeared at the Golden Globes wearing a diamond ring on her left ring finger.
48:08 Adam Buxton? Thank you so much.
48:09 Speaker 02 That's a good voice, isn't it?
48:10 Adam Buxton? Yeah. She sounds very no nonsense.
48:13 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah. She sounds a bit like Marina Hyde.
48:16 Adam Buxton? Yes, that's right.
48:17 Speaker 02 Yeah.
48:17 Adam Buxton? On top of things like.
48:18 Speaker 02 Authoritative, assertive, but lovely to listen to.
48:22 Adam Buxton? Yep.
48:22 Speaker 02 And very knowledgeable.
48:24 Adam Buxton? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
48:25 Speaker 02 Watch your back, Marina Hyde.
48:28 Adam Buxton? Because Jacqueline Peepie.
48:29 Speaker 02 Jacqueline Peepie's coming for you, leaving a trail of celebrity Peepies.
48:34 Adam Buxton? Behind you.
48:37 Speaker 02 Okay, so did we learn anything about Zenny and Tommy?
48:40 Adam Buxton? Well, that they're together and that.
48:42 Speaker 02 You learned that, I didn't, I knew that already.
48:44 Adam Buxton? Okay.
48:45 Speaker 02 You barely knew who they were.
48:46 Adam Buxton? Uh, I think that, I would imagine.
48:49 Speaker 02 I mean, she's got the new Dune movie coming up, he's got the new Spider-Man movie coming up. They're both in Christopher Nolan's Odyssey.
48:56 Adam Buxton? Are they?
48:56 Speaker 02 It's gonna be a huge year for them.
48:58 Adam Buxton? What's Christopher Nolan's Odyssey?
49:00 Speaker 02 It's a film by Christopher Nolan of The Odyssey.
49:03 Adam Buxton? Homer's Odyssey?
49:04 Speaker 02 That's right.
49:05 Adam Buxton? Corden Bennett.
49:06 Speaker 02 That's who it's written by.
49:07 Adam Buxton? Is it updated to modern times or?
49:09 Speaker 02 No, no, it's studiously real. And apparently he's done, it's like a kind of Ray Harryhausen movie, but Nolan- Nolanified.
49:19 Adam Buxton? Hmm.
49:19 Speaker 02 So very serious and real and enormous.
49:22 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
49:23 Speaker 02 I'm excited, I think it'll be thrilling, but it's very, a very big year for Zenny and Tommy. I've only got 20 more of these, okay, you ready?
49:30 Adam Buxton? Sure.
49:30 Speaker 02 What about Ellen and Portia?
49:32 Adam Buxton? Ellen is Ellen DeGeneres.
49:34 Speaker 02 Yes.
49:35 Adam Buxton? And Portia Rossi, Rosso?
49:37 Speaker 02 Something like that, I don't know. And what's the den news been this year? What happened in Ellen and Portia's life this year?
49:42 Adam Buxton? I think that they moved to the UK.
49:44 Speaker 02 That's right, they moved to the Cotswolds, bought a huge house.
49:48 Adam Buxton? Cause they got so fed up of being monstered in the US.
49:52 Speaker 02 Yeah.
49:52 Adam Buxton? And also, wasn't it a political protest?
49:54 Speaker 02 She was, Ellen was accused of being beastly to her crew.
49:58 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
49:58 Speaker 02 And so she became a sort of target. And she didn't like the, the Trumpian atmosphere.
50:05 Adam Buxton? Right.
50:05 Speaker 02 Don't know why, and left to move to England to escape the whole deal.
50:11 Adam Buxton? So the two, I mean, it seems a little convenient that she was able to use Trump as an excuse to just. Run away from the accusations flying around. This is my
50:21 Speaker 02 What happened later this?
50:22 Adam Buxton? This is Matt, the voice that I use for Son of a
50:26 Speaker 02 Is this chat BUX?
50:28 Adam Buxton? Yes.
50:29 Speaker 02 You should do a voice on chat G- GTA.
50:31 Adam Buxton? GP.
50:32 Speaker 02 G- GTX, Castrol GTX. You should do a voice on GTA 6. What? Listen, let's, well, the, the big news is they don't like it in the Cotswolds anymore.
50:44 Adam Buxton? Oh, really? Why? What's not to like?
50:45 Speaker 02 It's too rainy and dark and boring.
50:46 Adam Buxton? Oh, dear.
50:47 Speaker 02 So they're going back to, uh, to America.
50:50 Adam Buxton? Good riddance.
50:52 Speaker 02 Who, who, who said that? Who said that?
50:57 Adam Buxton? Jacqueline Phoebe.
50:58 Speaker 02 Jacqueline Phoebe.
50:59 Adam Buxton? The new Marina Hyde.
51:01 Speaker 02 With her little snarky, quiet voice.
51:04 Adam Buxton? Wow.
51:06 Speaker 02 They should program it to say sort of slightly sarcastic, cynical things quietly in the background
51:10 Adam Buxton? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
51:10 Speaker 02 when not invited.
51:12 Adam Buxton? That feature is gonna come in within the year, I would say.
51:16 Speaker 02 Well, that's it. The other famous couples I had were Willie and Katie and Harry and Meghan.
51:20 Adam Buxton? Oh, Laura.
51:22 Speaker 02 How's 96 looking for the, the two royal golden couple?
51:26 Adam Buxton? It's looking so nice. Seen it because a lolly, lolly Meghan, she's had a bad time actually of quite a lot of years now and things have been kind of so wrong for Meghan. She's really not that bad. She's nice. And I think that two 26s is gonna be if everyone likes Meghan's again.
51:48 Speaker 02 Very exciting listeners. We've been joined in the Christmas shack by Her Majesty, the Queen.
51:52 Adam Buxton? Oh, Laura.
51:54 Speaker 02 And Your Majesty, what did you think of Meghan's, uh, Meghan's Netflix show, Her Lifestyle Show?
51:59 Adam Buxton? It's so nice. I loved it. It's really quite interesting as well. And albeit like a nice quiet politics sometimes in there as well, cause it's quite good. I don't know.
52:12 Speaker 02 I thought it was a little bit sort of a little bit sort of
52:13 Adam Buxton? I didn't see it. I hadn't seen it.
52:15 Speaker 02 Sort of banal.
52:17 Adam Buxton? Didn't see it.
52:17 Speaker 02 Apparently she, she puts lots of things in little plastic bags and ties a ribbon around them and
52:22 Adam Buxton? Body parts?
52:24 Speaker 02 No, like little, little, little snacks and scented stones in little plastic bags.
52:29 Adam Buxton? Stones.
52:31 Speaker 02 And ties a ribbon around the top and puts them in little baskets for her guests.
52:37 Adam Buxton? Sounds nice. I didn't watch it. But I think it's gonna be a Laura, Laura nice.
52:44 Speaker 02 Mm-hmm.
52:45 Adam Buxton? A better time for them.
52:46 Speaker 02 And Willie and Katie?
52:47 Adam Buxton? Oh, they're just going from strengths to strengths.
52:50 Speaker 02 Mm-hmm. And Prince Andrew?
52:52 Adam Buxton? I gotta go. I gotta go. I got turkey in the oven, I gotta go.
52:57 Speaker 02 God bless you.
52:58 Adam Buxton? Bye.
52:59 Speaker 02 Vive Regina.
53:00 Adam Buxton? Don't talk about me like that, please.
53:05 Adam Buxton? This is pretty highbrow stuff.
53:39 Adam Buxton? This is from Stee Thomas.
53:42 Speaker 02 Is this a made up joke?
53:43 Adam Buxton? No, this is filed under random. Merry Christmas, chaps, says Stee. Whenever I play Space Odyssey by David Bowie in my head.
53:52 Speaker 02 Yes.
53:53 Adam Buxton? This always happens. Does anyone else get this? I can't be the only one. And by this, he means this.
54:14 Speaker 02 Well, I didn't before, but I am now.
54:19 Speaker 02 That's good. Did he send you that or did you make that yourself?
54:22 Adam Buxton? He sent that.
54:23 Speaker 02 That's good. Do it again. I want to hear it again.
54:25 Adam Buxton? Of course, I want to hear it lots.
54:37 Speaker 02 That's brilliant.
54:38 Adam Buxton? God, that's satisfying.
54:39 Speaker 02 Yeah, that's good. That's how it should have gone.
54:42 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
54:42 Speaker 02 But Bowie was just too pompous to just, uh, drop into that lovely satisfying key.
54:48 Adam Buxton? I'm never gonna dance again.
54:50 Speaker 02 Well, what is there to say about that? But that's a, a, a masterpiece, Stay. That's amazing.
54:55 Adam Buxton? Stee.
54:56 Speaker 02 Stee.
54:57 Adam Buxton? Stay.
54:59 Speaker 02 That's how you pronounce it with like, if you put a little accent on it.
55:02 Adam Buxton? And you get stay, Andy.
55:06 Speaker 02 Stay. It's like, ye, you're cute.
55:08 Adam Buxton? Stay another day.
55:11 Speaker 02 Okay, here's another prezi. Ooh.
55:13 Adam Buxton? This isn't properly wrapped.
55:15 Speaker 02 Now, this is in a lovely, uh, what do you call these things? Tote bags?
55:18 Adam Buxton? Tote bag.
55:19 Speaker 02 Even though I'd say we've got too many tote bags in our house.
55:22 Adam Buxton? You never have too many tote bags.
55:23 Speaker 02 Is that really true?
55:24 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
55:25 Speaker 02 I suppose you could knit a tent out of them. Oh, look at this. Well, there we are.
55:29 Adam Buxton? Now, I'm guessing you didn't have a copy of this?
55:31 Speaker 02 I do not have a copy of that. That's very kind. I'm already, uh, hypnotized.
55:37 Adam Buxton? Which record is this?
55:38 Speaker 02 By Your Eyes. This is, is called Adam Buxton Upbuckle.
55:46 Adam Buxton? Buckle Up.
55:46 Speaker 02 Bu- Buckle Up, Buxton.
55:48 Adam Buxton? You've been confused by the circular.
55:50 Speaker 02 By the circular writing.
55:51 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
55:51 Speaker 02 But it's very nice. This is very lovely artwork. This is your, uh, album. It's got a little pair of shorts growing off a tree. And these are all the songs, aren't they?
56:00 Adam Buxton? A lot of them.
56:01 Speaker 02 Pizza, a record, a smiley face, a heart, a like a wifi logo, a little pair of shorts. Just like a wank rag.
56:11 Adam Buxton? It's a tea towel.
56:12 Speaker 02 I'm sorry. A glitter.
56:16 Speaker 02 It's not very Christmasy, is it? A glitter ball.
56:20 Adam Buxton? That's gonna be on the next album.
56:23 Adam Buxton? Of course it is. That's, can't get more Christmasy.
56:25 Speaker 02 Anything makes you happy. A bicycle wheel, a cross. I just don't know. I think families listening to this in their cars, there might be a little bit of a change in the atmosphere when I say wank rag.
56:37 Adam Buxton? I think they understand that it's a bit of a roller coaster ride when they
56:41 Speaker 02 Is it?
56:41 Adam Buxton? get on the Christmas podcast with Adam and Joe.
56:43 Speaker 02 Just a bit of an awful phrase.
56:46 Speaker 02 Isn't it? It's not a very, not a very pleasant pair of words.
56:49 Adam Buxton? What else? What's a better phrase?
56:51 Speaker 02 I don't know. A pleasure towel.
56:57 Speaker 02 I don't know. I don't think there is one. It just shouldn't be spoken about. And I did it. I'm sorry. Um, it's a beautiful album.
57:05 Adam Buxton? Well.
57:05 Speaker 02 From the wank rag. It's a lovely piece of artwork. That's lovely. Thank you very much, man.
57:11 Adam Buxton? Well, you're welcome.
57:12 Speaker 02 Have a record player, but it'll be a sort of ornament.
57:14 Adam Buxton? Yeah. Again, I won't be offended if you re-give.
57:17 Speaker 02 I've got a lot of these images of your face staring out at me in my house.
57:21 Adam Buxton? Sure.
57:21 Speaker 02 I mean, on the spines of two books on my shelves.
57:24 Adam Buxton? It's in fact the same illustration.
57:26 Speaker 02 Well, yeah.
57:27 Adam Buxton? It's Helen Green's illustration.
57:29 Speaker 02 I've had to put them on high shelves so they don't stare at me.
57:31 Adam Buxton? If I do another album, my face won't be on the cover.
57:34 Speaker 02 Okay.
57:34 Adam Buxton? I thought that it would, um, probably help the album to sell if they.
57:40 Speaker 02 Yes.
57:40 Adam Buxton? If people could see. I don't think it did.
57:43 Speaker 02 How's it doing?
57:44 Adam Buxton? I don't know, but I haven't got any large royalty checks recently.
57:49 Speaker 02 Listen, the, what, what matters is the integrity of the work itself.
57:52 Adam Buxton? Well, exactly. And you know, this ties into what I was going to say, um, is that later on, I'm going to play you a song.
58:01 Speaker 02 From the new album?
58:02 Adam Buxton? Maybe from the new album. I don't know, but I, I learned something when I was doing the promotion for the record. And it kind of ties into a lot of the themes of my memoir as well, which is that it can be difficult for my collaborators sometimes.
58:19 Speaker 02 Right.
58:20 Adam Buxton? To deal with my levels of negative self-energy. And I was doing a podcast called Tape Notes the other day.
58:28 Speaker 02 Right.
58:29 Adam Buxton? Which I've done before. And me and Joe Mount, who produced the album, Joe Mount from Metronomy, we went on Tape Notes to talk about doing the album and played a few outtakes and went through a few of the sessions. Anyway, at one point, Joe said, you know, I really have had to bite my tongue a few times doing interviews with Adam when he puts down the album. And he puts down his own songs. And, you know, I, I feel like saying, no, these are good and I'm happy with them. And we worked on them together, you know? And it was really something I, it should have been absolutely obvious to me. And I definitely had thought it, like I was being a little bit careful. To not be too down on the whole thing. I don't think I've ever been negative about Joe
59:14 Adam Buxton? Mount's contribution. He's been brilliant, but I certainly have sort of said, oh, you know, I don't know if I would call these songs and things like that.
59:20 Speaker 02 And thereby insulting him and his work.
59:22 Adam Buxton? Well, exactly. I suppose so. Anyway, I took the opportunity to apologize to Joe on that podcast. I did really mean it. I didn't want to dwell on it too much and make it into an excessively maudlin moment, but it was.
59:38 Speaker 02 Better do the other one as well.
59:39 Adam Buxton? It was emotional.
59:43 Speaker 02 Because by talking about it on yet another podcast, you seem to be making currency of even your mistakes.
59:51 Adam Buxton? Well, exactly. But it's something that I'm working on.
59:56 Speaker 02 Right.
59:57 Adam Buxton? And I've done a song that I'll play you at the end of the podcast, which I feel is a demonstration of my new direction.
1:00:04 Speaker 02 Okay, that's very exciting. This is going to be a big year for one of the biggest celebrity couples in the country, Adam and his self-esteem, self-esteem.
1:00:15 Adam Buxton? She's on the podcast next year.
1:00:16 Speaker 02 She's great.
1:00:17 Adam Buxton? She may be one of my first guests, in fact.
1:00:19 Speaker 02 Guess another, Prezi?
1:00:20 Adam Buxton? Okay. I just gave you one.
1:00:22 Speaker 02 Oh, of course. Sorry. Whoops.
1:00:25 Adam Buxton? Let's have some more jokes.
1:00:27 Speaker 02 Okay, that's a good idea. More made up jokes.
1:00:35 Speaker 02 Here is a joke from Chris Dennett from Alveston in Cumbria. What's the difference between AI and a Haddock Emporium renowned for its creative seafood displays housed within a men's toilet made from old TVs?
1:00:52 Speaker 02 It's promising, isn't it?
1:00:53 Adam Buxton? It's very.
1:00:54 Speaker 02 It's good already.
1:00:55 Adam Buxton? It's good and torchy.
1:00:55 Speaker 02 Do you want it again? Do you want to try and figure it out?
1:00:57 Adam Buxton? Yes, please.
1:00:57 Speaker 02 What's the difference between AI and a Haddock Emporium renowned for its creative seafood displays housed within a men's toilet made from old TVs?
1:01:05 Adam Buxton? Okay, so one is artificial intelligence.
1:01:09 Speaker 02 Yes.
1:01:10 Adam Buxton? And the others? Tell me.
1:01:13 Speaker 02 An arty fish hall intelligence.
1:01:16 Adam Buxton? An arty fish hall.
1:01:17 Speaker 02 Fish hall intelligence.
1:01:18 Adam Buxton? Intelligence.
1:01:19 Speaker 02 An arty fish hall intelligence.
1:01:22 Adam Buxton? An arty fish hall.
1:01:23 Speaker 02 An arty fish hall.
1:01:25 Adam Buxton? Intelligence.
1:01:26 Speaker 02 Intelligence.
1:01:27 Adam Buxton? Intelligence.
1:01:27 Speaker 02 Intelligence. A men's toilet made from old TVs. The other great thing about these made up jokes is you just have to say them a lot. You've got to say it over and over and over again.
1:01:38 Adam Buxton? The punchline.
1:01:39 Speaker 02 Yeah, and and the setup. Before you get anything out of them, like a really, really old lemon that you've really got to squeeze really hard to get anything out of.
1:01:48 Adam Buxton? If you cut a lemon in half and you only use one half for your salad.
1:01:53 Speaker 02 Do you keep the other half?
1:01:54 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
1:01:54 Speaker 02 Wrap it in foil, pop it in the fridge.
1:01:56 Adam Buxton? Is that what you do?
1:01:56 Speaker 02 Yeah, and then throw it away when you get it out.
1:02:00 Speaker 02 It's it's just the the gesture, isn't it, of keeping it that is a sort of salute to to nature.
1:02:07 Adam Buxton? Dear Count Buckley's and Cornballs, long time listener, first time writer. Do you like it when people say that?
1:02:13 Speaker 02 Uh, yeah, of course I do.
1:02:14 Adam Buxton? Yeah, it reminds me of old LBC days.
1:02:16 Speaker 02 Yes, Clive Bull.
1:02:18 Adam Buxton? Yeah, sexual and marital problems. I came up with this joke about four years ago and keep forgetting to send it in time. I've Googled it and as far as I can see, it's not already made up. What do you call a non-binary ladybird?
1:02:33 Speaker 02 Okay, yeah, I like it's not already made up. That's a good sentence, like, because you you might say no one's thought of it before.
1:02:40 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
1:02:41 Speaker 02 But not to be not already made up is a better way to articulate that. What do you call a not? Well, this I this I think is part of a whole new school of jokes. Where people find words with a him or her in them and turn it into them.
1:02:56 Adam Buxton? Oh.
1:02:57 Speaker 02 Isn't it?
1:02:58 Adam Buxton? Yes.
1:02:58 Speaker 02 So so what's the setup?
1:03:00 Adam Buxton? What do you call a non-binary ladybird?
1:03:03 Speaker 02 A themdy bird.
1:03:04 Adam Buxton? A theydy bird.
1:03:05 Speaker 02 A theydy bird, okay.
1:03:06 Adam Buxton? Theydy bird.
1:03:07 Speaker 02 A theydy bird. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, because there was a similar one from somebody which had Himalayas and it was themalayas.
1:03:13 Adam Buxton? Ah, yeah.
1:03:14 Speaker 02 So, yes, good, very au courant, and obviously a lot of people struggling with this shift in in the culture and the language and, you know, trying to relax into it with some gags.
1:03:28 Adam Buxton? A theydy bird.
1:03:29 Speaker 02 Is that the punchline again?
1:03:31 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
1:03:31 Speaker 02 You're saying it again.
1:03:32 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
1:03:32 Speaker 02 A theydy bird. It's good. It's very good.
1:03:34 Adam Buxton? That's from Ruth Tucknot from Osset.
1:03:36 Speaker 02 Well, I should not tut.
1:03:37 Adam Buxton? West Yorkshire. And she says, I hope you like it. I love you. Bye. Thank you so much, Ruth.
1:03:43 Speaker 02 That was really good. By the way, uh, the, the joke about the Himalayas was from Alex Hines.
1:03:48 Adam Buxton? Oh, yeah.
1:03:49 Speaker 02 Joke was, did you hear the one about the non-binary mountaineer?
1:03:52 Adam Buxton? Oh, yeah.
1:03:52 Speaker 02 Who went missing on Everest.
1:03:53 Adam Buxton? They're all at it.
1:03:54 Speaker 02 They found their body in the Himalayas. I just think we should be alert to this new strain of joke.
1:04:01 Adam Buxton? That's fine, though. I mean, it's the, this is, it's absolutely. It's not impugning anyone, right? It's not casting aspersions. It's not belittling.
1:04:09 Speaker 02 No, but I feel it's like it's a little sort of, it's a little muscle exercising itself because of this little, um, thing that's happened. Um, so I just think a lot of the jokes will be quite similar.
1:04:21 Adam Buxton? Yes.
1:04:21 Speaker 02 And they'll be along those lines.
1:04:22 Adam Buxton? Sure.
1:04:23 Speaker 02 Here's a joke from Avner. It says, Dear Adam and Joe, when our son Alexander was 12, he came up with a joke that has become a family classic. Question, what do you call a really annoying Italian sandwich? Answer, a paini, a, a pain, a peni, a penini, a painini ass.
1:04:45 Adam Buxton? A penini ass.
1:04:46 Speaker 02 It's a tough one to sell. Say it again.
1:04:48 Adam Buxton? A penini, a penini ass.
1:04:51 Speaker 02 That's good. You did it well. Really looking forward to the Christmas podcast. Take care, Avner.
1:04:56 Adam Buxton? Love it.
1:04:56 Speaker 02 That's a good one. That is a very good one.
1:04:59 Adam Buxton? Well, this one follows on a little bit from that.
1:05:01 Speaker 02 Yes.
1:05:03 Adam Buxton? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it?
1:05:05 Speaker 02 Just while you're looking for the next one, we also had a joke from Lucy Picard. And it went like this, Dear Adam and Joe, why did the baby octopus laugh? Because his daddy gave him ten tickles, brackets, tentacles. Now, this is a great joke, obviously, but it's also a joke that I made up as well this year for my daughter. But Lucy, I'd just like to comment that the joke is better if it's a squid. Cause a squid actually does have 10 arms.
1:05:32 Adam Buxton? Hmm.
1:05:32 Speaker 02 So the joke should really be, why did the baby squid laugh? Okay. So that's not, cause of course an octopus has.
1:05:41 Adam Buxton? Eight?
1:05:42 Speaker 02 Yes, octopus.
1:05:43 Adam Buxton? Octo, there's clues in the name, isn't it?
1:05:47 Adam Buxton? Here's one from John Meredith that carries on from Penini ass. Hi, El Buckalardo and Cornucopia.
1:05:56 Speaker 02 Hmm. That's correct.
1:05:58 Adam Buxton? Adam, you might remember I met you online as I asked you to do the Tony Visconti interview at Confetti Nottingham a few years back. Oh yes, I do remember. And it was nice to meet Tony Visconti, albeit on Zoom. Tony Visconti being David Bowie's producer, of course. Anyway, this is from John Meredith. John says, "My cousin is a baker and as part of his day job, his boss gave him an extended period of leave to travel around Italy, eating long, small loaves of bread with crispy flowery crusts and an airy chewy interior. It was a ciabattico."
1:06:34 Speaker 02 Nice. I like that. That is a slam dunk. I mean, it's more efficient than funny.
1:06:40 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
1:06:40 Speaker 02 It like gets the job done. Say it again. A ciabattico.
1:06:44 Adam Buxton? Ciabattico.
1:06:44 Speaker 02 Yeah. What's the setup again?
1:06:46 Adam Buxton? Cousin, baker, day job, extended period of leave to travel around Italy, eating long, small loaves of bread with crispy flowery crusts and an airy chewy interior.
1:06:55 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1:06:56 Adam Buxton? Ciabattico.
1:06:56 Speaker 02 A ciabattico. That's really good.
1:06:58 Adam Buxton? He's on ciabattico.
1:06:59 Speaker 02 Very, very good. Very, very good. Yeah, you could say that to somebody who's just out, you know, having a little lunch break with a ciabatta, whereas Tony, oh, he's on ciabattico.
1:07:06 Adam Buxton? He's on his ciabattico.
1:07:07 Speaker 02 That just means he's having a sandwich. Yeah, that's like more an addition to the national lexicon than a joke.
1:07:13 Adam Buxton? You know what? There's probably people groaning, listening to this, going, "Everyone says that."
1:07:18 Speaker 02 Did you do the check?
1:07:19 Adam Buxton? It's one of those things, if you're on social media, probably everyone, like, if you're going to have your lunch or something, you just say.
1:07:26 Speaker 02 We've established we're not on social media anymore.
1:07:28 Adam Buxton? I'm just going on ciabattico, mate. I'll be back. I'll see you after. I'm going for ciabattico.
1:07:33 Speaker 02 Listen, going forward, for listeners of this podcast, no social media.
1:07:39 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
1:07:39 Speaker 02 Because then you can just ride with our rhythms, out of touchness.
1:07:43 Adam Buxton? And you'll enjoy old jokes much more.
1:07:46 Speaker 02 You'll just enjoy our output a lot more if you go to the middle of a field, switch everything off, don't listen to any news.
1:07:54 Adam Buxton? Put on some relaxing music.
1:07:55 Speaker 02 Relaxing music or an old rerun of a comedy that makes you happy from the 80s and just stay there.
1:08:00 Adam Buxton? Watch the Beatles anthology on a loop.
1:08:03 Speaker 02 That's how to really get the most out of us in this period of our career. What do you call the, what do you call the third movie in a series of movies about a gang of...
1:08:17 Adam Buxton? Honestly, I sometimes I think about the the number of times that I have repeated whole, not only jokes, but whole ideas, conversational topics, insights, observations, words of wisdom in the podcast, like at this point.
1:08:32 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:08:33 Adam Buxton? There's gotta be loads.
1:08:33 Speaker 02 But that's okay, you know, essentially, life's about getting up, brushing your teeth, getting dressed, having breakfast, having lunch, having dinner, brushing your teeth, getting undressed and going to bed. Essentially, isn't it?
1:08:45 Adam Buxton? And just doing it over and over again and trying to get a bit better at it each time.
1:08:48 Speaker 02 Yeah, or just enjoying the the repetitivicity, the repetivity.
1:08:53 Adam Buxton? Here's one more before we leave the jokes for the time being.
1:08:56 Speaker 02 Repetitiveness, the repetition.
1:08:59 Adam Buxton? Here's a joke from Ben Kelly. Where do clever electricians buy underwear and healthy snack treats?
1:09:05 Speaker 02 Marks and spark plugs.
1:09:08 Adam Buxton? Come on, mate, you're nearly there.
1:09:09 Speaker 02 Give me the.
1:09:10 Adam Buxton? You're a film guy. What do you call your electricians on a film set?
1:09:14 Speaker 02 Marks and Sparks. I mean, that's what electricians are called on film sets.
1:09:19 Adam Buxton? Sparks. You're so close. And?
1:09:22 Speaker 02 Marks and Sparks and Spencer.
1:09:24 Adam Buxton? Clever electricians.
1:09:25 Speaker 02 Oh, Marks and Bright Sparks.
1:09:27 Adam Buxton? Jesus. Sparks and Mensa.
1:09:31 Speaker 02 Sparks and Mensa.
1:09:36 Speaker 02 That's good.
1:09:37 Adam Buxton? It's good.
1:09:37 Speaker 02 That is good. Sparks and Mensa, that's a satisfying, what do you call it when you swap around the first letter to two words? Yeah, that's a satisfying one of them.
1:09:45 Adam Buxton? Thank you so much, Ben.
1:10:29 Adam Buxton? Here's a message from George. He says, "Hi buckles and cornballs." And he has sent me a link to a YouTube channel where, a few years ago, he posted some videos of him doing songs with his hands. Like, he just puts his hands together and squeezes air out from between them in a musical way. Have you ever seen anyone doing that?
1:10:52 Speaker 02 Well, yeah, I've seen people do that. I could never have described it as musical. It's a sort of painful, sort of cracky noise.
1:10:59 Adam Buxton? No, no, no, no.
1:11:00 Speaker 02 Or is it a farty noise?
1:11:01 Adam Buxton? No, no. I mean, yes, it is farty, but it's tuneful the way that this guy, George... Have you seen George doing it?
1:11:08 Speaker 02 No.
1:11:09 Adam Buxton? Listen to this. This is George doing the Match of the Day theme with his hands. And I said to George, I emailed him and said, "Is that really just your hands? Or is there any post-production?" And I said, "I don't want to get in a whole cancellation scandal situation about this." He said, "No, it's genuinely just my hands."
1:11:51 Adam Buxton? So would you like to revise your initial slightly?
1:11:54 Speaker 02 Yeah, that's very impressive. You know, that is so impressive, I'm surprised, A, he doesn't have an agent, B, he hasn't appeared on panel shows and radio shows, and C, that he's not very wealthy. Because that is a talent, isn't it? And especially because of the little rhythmic stumble at the end, which I thought really set it off beautifully.
1:12:16 Adam Buxton? He did the podcast theme with his hands.
1:12:20 Speaker 02 Your podcast?
1:12:21 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
1:12:25 Adam Buxton? To the giant podcast bin. You have blocked the podcast out and started listening. Took my microphone and found some human folk. I recorded all the noises while we spoke.
1:12:40 Speaker 02 I think you.
1:12:41 Adam Buxton? That in Buxton, I'm a man.
1:12:44 Speaker 02 Jesus.
1:12:45 Adam Buxton? I want you to enjoy this, that's the fact.
1:12:50 Speaker 02 The sound of that and the sound of you mumbling along to it.
1:12:55 Speaker 02 The image in my head was you, like, when you've hit the skids. Sitting in a puddle in an alley with really terrible wind. Mumbling along to your own woe begotten podcast theme whilst farting it and go, anybody? Like those, like you're playing a tune on a, um, on a road cone. No, that's good, though. It wasn't as good as the other one because I feel he didn't really get the, the melody quite as well.
1:13:25 Adam Buxton? It was more just the rhythm.
1:13:26 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
1:13:27 Adam Buxton? He was doing there.
1:13:29 Speaker 02 That is quite a talent, isn't it?
1:13:30 Adam Buxton? That is quite a talent, I think.
1:13:32 Speaker 02 Hecking hell.
1:13:33 Adam Buxton? I mean, again, because we're not on social media, he probably has been all over.
1:13:37 Speaker 02 I know. What are you doing sending that to this show?
1:13:41 Adam Buxton? It's, I think, five years ago he did the Match of the Day one.
1:13:44 Speaker 02 Right.
1:13:44 Adam Buxton? So we're probably only just getting the memo now.
1:13:47 Speaker 02 Right, right, right.
1:13:48 Adam Buxton? I mean, we literally are.
1:13:49 Speaker 02 Are you sure he hasn't been on all the other comedy shows and where his last calls of call?
1:13:53 Adam Buxton? Not sure.
1:13:54 Speaker 02 Well, it's great.
1:13:56 Adam Buxton? Because I'm disconnected.
1:13:59 Adam Buxton? From the world around me. Well, look, here's a sound-based present for you.
1:14:04 Speaker 02 Oh, this is a big.
1:14:06 Adam Buxton? This is a big present. And this one, I tell you what, I hope you like it. I had such fun doing this and they're artworks specially made for you.
1:14:17 Speaker 02 So listeners, I should describe, this is, this looked like an Amazon box, a little shoebox sized Amazon box. But it's just recycled. An insider, what looked like, um.
1:14:26 Adam Buxton? Well, they're dog buttons. They're noise buttons.
1:14:28 Speaker 02 Yeah, those big, round, sort of red, emergency buttons that you get.
1:14:32 Adam Buxton? Like buzzers from quiz shows.
1:14:33 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:14:34 Adam Buxton? But you can record.
1:14:35 Speaker 02 There's a lot of them.
1:14:35 Adam Buxton? Yeah, I did six.
1:14:36 Speaker 02 But on them are painted with what looks like.
1:14:40 Adam Buxton? Posca pen.
1:14:41 Speaker 02 Hand-painted faces of famous people.
1:14:46 Speaker 02 In lovely dayglow colours. You have to take a picture of these.
1:14:49 Adam Buxton? Yeah, we'll take a picture and you'll be able to check them out.
1:14:52 Speaker 02 Now, do I recognise that's, that's-
1:14:54 Adam Buxton? Link in the description to the picture.
1:14:55 Speaker 02 That's Malcolm Muggeridge.
1:14:56 Adam Buxton? Oh my god!
1:14:57 Speaker 02 Only because it's written on the side.
1:14:59 Adam Buxton? Oh yeah.
1:15:00 Speaker 02 I thought it was Prince Charles. This one just says murder.
1:15:05 Adam Buxton? Well, play it.
1:15:06 Speaker 02 Wait a second. This one says Tippy Toes Alright from Sing Two. This one says Order. Who is that?
1:15:17 Adam Buxton? John Burkow.
1:15:19 Speaker 02 Oh yeah, don't tell us though.
1:15:20 Adam Buxton? Alright.
1:15:21 Speaker 02 This one says, "There we are!" It's Eddie Murphy. That was a good documentary this year. Did you watch that?
1:15:28 Adam Buxton? Yeah, I liked the first half of it.
1:15:30 Speaker 02 Yeah, the first half of those ones are always good because it's all the old stuff.
1:15:33 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
1:15:34 Speaker 02 And then this one says Alora with Her Majesty the Queen. Alright, let's see what sound these make. Are we ready? Let's start with Tippy Toes.
1:15:41 Speaker 03 Tippy toes, tippy toes, I can see your tippy toes!
1:15:46 Speaker 02 Did you do that specially or is that from the film?
1:15:48 Adam Buxton? Did it specially.
1:15:49 Speaker 03 Tippy toes, tippy toes, I can see your tippy toes!
1:15:53 Speaker 02 Okay, I'll never press that one again. Here's the next one. Murder?
1:15:58 Speaker 07 There is no harmony in the universe, only overwhelming and collective murder.
1:16:03 Adam Buxton? That's Werner Herzog. Wow, that's very good. Is that from Grizzly Man? That's from Burden of Dreams.
1:16:10 Speaker 02 Burden of Dreams.
1:16:11 Speaker 07 There is no harmony in the universe, only overwhelming and collective murder.
1:16:17 Adam Buxton? There's supposed to be buttons for training dogs.
1:16:19 Speaker 02 Oh, hence you describing them as dog buttons?
1:16:21 Adam Buxton? Yeah, yeah, so you can record-
1:16:23 Speaker 02 Does the dog pat them with its paw?
1:16:24 Adam Buxton? Yes, so you can record food, or out, or whatever you want the dog to signal.
1:16:30 Speaker 02 Did you try that with Rosie?
1:16:30 Adam Buxton? Yes.
1:16:31 Speaker 02 Did she respond?
1:16:32 Adam Buxton? No. So that's why you've got now a collection of buttons with people's faces drawn onto them.
1:16:39 Speaker 02 Man, I'm honoured. Look at this, Malcolm Muggeridge. Tell the audience who Malcolm Muggeridge was.
1:16:44 Adam Buxton? Well, he was a kind of public intellectual writer, philosopher perhaps, who was around in the 50s and 60s. If you've ever seen the footage of John Cleese and Michael Palin getting roasted about Life of Brian on a TV show, that is Malcolm Muggeridge who's there with a member of the clergy, giving them a hard time. But he was someone my dad respected a lot. He was a kind of crusty old intellectual type. And there's a quote on that button that I always liked of his and I've no idea where it came from, but I think I must have recorded it onto a videotape back in the nineties when I would watch a lot of documentaries on BBC Two when I was at art college.
1:17:27 Speaker 02 Hmm.
1:17:28 Adam Buxton? And he was talking about television, but it could apply to everything, every bit of visual media in the
1:17:36 Speaker 02 Let's see what he's gonna say. Let's, let's press muggeridge.
1:17:40 Speaker 08 More and more news, more and more ads, stupefying us, bewildering us. All the happenings in the universe compressed into a small screen, flickering image.
1:17:58 Speaker 08 It's too much. The mixture's too rich.
1:18:03 Speaker 02 Wow. I mean, everybody always thinks that it's the end times, don't they?
1:18:08 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
1:18:09 Speaker 02 And that whatever the thing is, is gonna be the last thing.
1:18:11 Adam Buxton? Uh huh.
1:18:13 Speaker 02 Cause that's how I feel about some things. That's how I feel about Jacqueline Pepe.
1:18:21 Adam Buxton? I think a lot of people feel that about Jacqueline Pepe.
1:18:23 Speaker 02 Oh, here we go. That's it. Curtains.
1:18:26 Adam Buxton? It's too much.
1:18:27 Speaker 02 It's too much. Alright, here's Eddie. This is great. Look at this.
1:18:37 Adam Buxton? So that's Eddie being James Brown.
1:18:39 Speaker 02 Oh man, so good. You're right, that Netflix documentary about him is, the first half is so good.
1:18:47 Adam Buxton? First half is so good. That, that, some of the clips, I went back and watched them on Netflix, like choice selections from Delirious.
1:18:54 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1:18:55 Adam Buxton? And, and stuff from Saturday Night Live. Like when he, when he does James Brown Hot Tub.
1:19:01 Speaker 02 Fantastic.
1:19:01 Adam Buxton? Amazing.
1:19:02 Speaker 02 But this is the thing, even the documentaries that are about the downfall of people, so the Michael Jackson one, the Neverland one, even I'm afraid the Savile One, the first half is always like, oh, I remember those days. Whee, Jevil picks it, hooray, beat it and stuff like that.
1:19:19 Adam Buxton? And then the gloomy music kicks in.
1:19:20 Speaker 02 And then, so here we go. Here is the Queen. Let's press the Queen. It feels disrespectful to punch her face.
1:19:27 Adam Buxton? Oh, you're not punching it. You're caressing it.
1:19:30 Speaker 03 A Laura, Laura, lovely beef, a blander data.
1:19:34 Adam Buxton? It's only a short one.
1:19:35 Speaker 02 That's punchy.
1:19:36 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
1:19:37 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:19:39 Speaker 03 A Laura, Laura, lovely beef, a blander data.
1:19:43 Speaker 02 Laura, Laura, lovely beef.
1:19:45 Adam Buxton? A lovely beef.
1:19:46 Speaker 02 Order. Okay, this is John Burkhart.
1:19:50 Adam Buxton? John Burkhart, yeah, the speaker.
1:19:51 Speaker 02 These are beautifully drawn.
1:19:52 Adam Buxton? The former speaker.
1:19:54 Speaker 02 Is there a little bit of Tippex on there?
1:19:56 Adam Buxton? No, it's all Posca Pen.
1:19:57 Speaker 02 Posca Pen.
1:20:02 Speaker 02 Okay, so how would we use these in a conversation?
1:20:07 Adam Buxton? Oh, that's a good point. I mean, I didn't think that bit through.
1:20:10 Speaker 02 Well, they're amazing, man. I mean, I feel very privileged to own these.
1:20:14 Adam Buxton? Little bits of art for you.
1:20:16 Speaker 02 Little bits of art. Thank you very much. That's amazing. What a gift.
1:20:20 Adam Buxton? You're welcome.
1:21:01 Adam Buxton? One of my sons, Natty, went off for a job interview this year. And, you know, they're in their early twenties, the boys, entering the working world. And he went off to interview for a job as a piano player in a Norwich bar. And while he was chatting to the manager, a little doggy came into the room. He told us this when he got back that night. We said, how did the interview go? He said, yeah, yeah, it was going good. It was going good. And then a little dog came into the room. And he's called Charlie or something like that. And the owner was like, oh, Charlie, at you go. And Nat was like, oh, no, I like dogs. Hi, hello, Charlie.
1:21:44 Adam Buxton? Charlie's quite jumpy and excitable. Charlie jumps up on Natty's lap.
1:21:51 Adam Buxton? And the manager's like, Charlie, get down, get down. Nat is, oh, it's okay. Hello, Charlie. Charlie's um scruffling around there on Nat's lap. Interview progresses. Charlie does a shit on Nat's lap. So when Nat told us that, we were all like.
1:22:08 Speaker 02 How did he say it?
1:22:09 Adam Buxton? He said, yeah, yeah. And so anyway, the the dog kind of like did a like shit on my lap. We're like, what?
1:22:20 Adam Buxton? What did you do then? He was like, well, it wasn't big.
1:22:23 Speaker 02 And did the owner go, Charlie has decided. You've got the job.
1:22:33 Adam Buxton? When Charlie does the job, I give the job. No, none of that happened because Nat didn't tell him that Charlie had taken a shit on his lap.
1:22:42 Speaker 02 So it was a little poo, a poo in the crevice of the thighs.
1:22:45 Adam Buxton? It was a small poo. And this is what I said. I was like, did you say anything to the manager? And he's like, no.
1:22:50 Speaker 02 Did he pop it in his pocket? Like you would with food you don't want to eat.
1:22:54 Adam Buxton? No, because Charlie ate it.
1:22:56 Speaker 02 Charlie ate it. Dogs eating feces.
1:23:00 Adam Buxton? Yes.
1:23:00 Speaker 02 You're a dog owner. You dogs do like eating feces.
1:23:04 Adam Buxton? They are known to, they can do. I mean, usually there's something psychologically amiss if that's happening.
1:23:09 Speaker 02 Right. So Nat is just making continuing the casual conversation while the dog poos and then eats its own poo.
1:23:16 Adam Buxton? Yeah, yeah. And he doesn't at any point mention it to the manager. And I was like, why didn't you say anything? It's like, because it's a job interview.
1:23:24 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:23:24 Adam Buxton? And I said, I know it's a job interview, but I think you are within your rights. You don't have to like.
1:23:29 Speaker 02 No, but he encouraged the dog in. The owner was trying to get the dog to leave. So really Nat, I can see where that's coming from. He takes responsibility for the dog's actions in many ways.
1:23:40 Adam Buxton? He reckoned that it would have been unprofessional to mention it.
1:23:44 Speaker 02 Yes.
1:23:44 Adam Buxton? And I was saying, I think it's unprofessional not to. You don't want to give the impression that you are someone who is literally and metaphorically happy to be shat on in your new.
1:23:54 Speaker 02 Wow, getting deep fast.
1:23:56 Adam Buxton? Well, isn't that.
1:23:58 Speaker 02 So what happened? He, he did the note, did, well, carry on. What's the rest of the story?
1:24:03 Adam Buxton? Well, he said, he said in his defense, his defense was, no, it would have been unprofessional. And did you watch Succession?
1:24:11 Speaker 02 No.
1:24:11 Adam Buxton? Oh, okay. Well, this won't mean anything to you, but those of you who watched Succession, this was Natty's defense. He said that if Tom Wamsgans from Succession had been shat on by Luke Madison's dog, Tom Wamsgans wouldn't have said anything. And I said, I know because Tom Wamsgans is an avatar for a kind of spineless, pathetic toady. And that is not someone that you should be using as a indication of how to behave.
1:24:42 Speaker 02 And what happened in the end? Did he get the job?
1:24:44 Adam Buxton? Yeah, he got the job.
1:24:45 Speaker 02 There you go. That's perfect.
1:24:48 Adam Buxton? I think he could have got the job and said, oh, by the way, your dog just shat on me.
1:24:53 Speaker 02 Well, the thing is, if he'd said the dog shat on him, the owner might have felt, you know, obliged to give him the job to make up for the pooey pants.
1:25:03 Adam Buxton? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1:25:04 Speaker 02 Or at least given him one night of, of work.
1:25:08 Adam Buxton? Well.
1:25:08 Speaker 02 Just to pay for the cleaning bill. Did it leave a pooey residue on the trousers?
1:25:12 Adam Buxton? He said that it was, um, in the car on the way home.
1:25:16 Speaker 02 It was stinky.
1:25:17 Adam Buxton? It was, yeah.
1:25:18 Speaker 02 Really?
1:25:18 Adam Buxton? Hmm.
1:25:19 Speaker 02 I think he did extremely well. He dealt with a very, very tricky turd-based situation. Lap turd. And then I, cause I would have probably been sick on the dog and then the dog would have eaten that as well. So revolting would the sight of a dog eating its own turd. How long did the dog wait between doing the turd and eating it? Or did it like it fresh and hot? Or does it let it cool a little bit?
1:25:43 Adam Buxton? Fresh warbuns.
1:25:44 Speaker 02 Allow to chill.
1:25:45 Adam Buxton? No, of course he just snapped it as soon as it was out.
1:25:48 Speaker 02 That dog should do a cookery show.
1:25:53 Speaker 09 And just leave it on this, on the side to chill for a bit. One, two, three, ready.
1:26:04 Adam Buxton? This one's fresh out of the oven and is ready to eat. And I think you'll find the fridge can really taste the freshness.
1:26:12 Speaker 09 Do it on Joe's lap and here comes the garnish.
1:26:15 Adam Buxton? In a way, we're doing something much worse than anyone involved with that job meeting did, which is where we're taking it to a much more disgusting place and we are.
1:26:27 Speaker 02 Why? Why?
1:26:29 Adam Buxton? Well, because of what we just said, all the things we just said.
1:26:31 Speaker 02 The dog having a cookery show.
1:26:32 Adam Buxton? Yeah.
1:26:33 Speaker 02 Yeah, that is disgusting. That'd be a disgusting programme.
1:26:36 Adam Buxton? And also we are now undoing all the good work that Nat did by not complaining about it.
1:26:41 Speaker 02 Do you think the person who gave him the job might listen to this?
1:26:44 Adam Buxton? There's a chance.
1:26:45 Speaker 02 Do you think he might lose the job?
1:26:46 Adam Buxton? If you are listening, it was such an amazing time when we found out that you had given Nat the job and it was so, such a cool thing.
1:26:57 Speaker 02 The thing is now customers might demand it as part of the show.
1:27:03 Adam Buxton? They're gonna bring their own dogs.
1:27:04 Speaker 02 Is that the?
1:27:05 Adam Buxton? Is that Dogshit Boy?
1:27:07 Speaker 02 I wasn't gonna say, you had to say that. Is that Dogshit Boy? Is that lap dog, lap dog plop?
1:27:14 Speaker 02 Is that lap dog plop Nat? Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding.
1:27:29 Speaker 02 The dog sits on the piano.
1:27:30 Adam Buxton? Ding ding ding ding ding.
1:27:31 Speaker 02 Looking uncomfortable.
1:27:41 Speaker 02 Now that's entertainment.
1:27:43 Speaker 09 Hello, hello, hello.
1:27:51 Speaker 09 Hello, hello, hello, hello.
1:27:59 Speaker 09 Hello, hello.
1:28:03 Speaker 09 Hello, hello.
1:28:07 Speaker 09 Hello.
1:28:09 Speaker 02 Hello.
1:28:09 Adam Buxton? Hello.
1:28:10 Speaker 02 Hello.
1:28:11 Adam Buxton? Hello.
1:28:15 Speaker 02 Hello.
1:28:16 Adam Buxton? Hello.
1:28:19 Speaker 02 Hello.
1:28:20 Adam Buxton? Hello.
1:28:22 Speaker 02 Hello, hello.
1:28:24 Adam Buxton? Oh, look, bonus joke. Last bonus joke from Russ Clark.
1:28:28 Speaker 02 Okay.
1:28:29 Adam Buxton? I once made a belt out of fresh herbs. It was a complete waste of time.
1:28:35 Speaker 02 Yes, yes, that's, that's good. I mean, it's solid. That's really solid.
1:28:39 Adam Buxton? But you're not chuckling.
1:28:40 Speaker 02 I don't know. It's a sort of technical joke.
1:28:42 Adam Buxton? It's an intellectual feat.
1:28:43 Speaker 02 It's an intellectual feat. It's a sort of a, you know, I don't know, busman's holiday.
1:28:49 Adam Buxton? I hear you.
1:28:50 Speaker 02 It was a complete waste of time. Like, why? Because it didn't function as a belt. Do you know what I mean? I think there's more to it.
1:28:56 Adam Buxton? I've moved on from it.
1:28:57 Speaker 02 No, I'll never move on from it.
1:28:59 Adam Buxton? So I did a song in which I am trying to learn from having done press this year, having had to apologize to Joe Mount and to a degree to you, Joe Cornish.
1:29:13 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:29:14 Adam Buxton? For being sometimes a difficult collaborator to be with because of my intense inward spiraling.
1:29:22 Speaker 02 Mm hmm. Your, your empath powers.
1:29:24 Adam Buxton? And self criticism.
1:29:26 Speaker 02 Hmm. I must say, Joe Mount got his apology. You turned it around a lot quicker than mine.
1:29:32 Adam Buxton? Yeah, but I wrote a whole, like, two books to say sorry to you.
1:29:36 Speaker 02 Two books?
1:29:37 Adam Buxton? Yeah, I do some mild apologizing in the first one.
1:29:40 Speaker 02 Thank you.
1:29:41 Adam Buxton? Second one is like a one whole big long apology. Thanks, man.
1:29:45 Speaker 02 I don't think you got anything to apologize for.
1:29:47 Adam Buxton? Okay, thanks.
1:29:47 Speaker 02 I think it was great.
1:29:50 Speaker 02 Time of our lives.
1:29:52 Adam Buxton? It was fun.
1:29:52 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:29:53 Adam Buxton? Anyway, there's still more chapters to go.
1:29:57 Speaker 02 Yep.
1:29:58 Adam Buxton? And going forward, I'd like to think that I'm going to be more positive. And so to embrace that, I've done a song in a modern style.
1:30:08 Speaker 02 Oh.
1:30:09 Adam Buxton? In one of the defining styles of 2025.
1:30:12 Speaker 02 Well, if the most played song in our house, the most played album in our house, because we have a six-year-old girl, was the K-pop Demon Hunters album.
1:30:21 Adam Buxton? Bongo, that is of course the style. That is one of the best singles that I've heard in a long time.
1:30:27 Speaker 02 Golden.
1:30:28 Adam Buxton? Golden.
1:30:29 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:30:29 Adam Buxton? I mean, every now and again, something like that comes along and you're like, well done.
1:30:34 Speaker 02 That's the genius though, isn't it? The huh.
1:30:36 Adam Buxton? Uh huh.
1:30:37 Speaker 02 It's one of those songs that made no sense to me musically when I first heard it.
1:30:40 Adam Buxton? Hmm.
1:30:41 Speaker 02 But the little, you know, sometimes with a complicated song, there's one little bit that gets you that you can cling on to.
1:30:46 Adam Buxton? Right.
1:30:46 Speaker 02 And just the huh at the end of each line in the first verse.
1:30:50 Adam Buxton? There's so many good ideas.
1:30:51 Speaker 02 So many good ideas. It's amazing.
1:30:53 Adam Buxton? Anyway, so well, here is my attempt at channeling some of that energy for a song about my musical journey of confidence.
1:31:19 Speaker 06 I was a worm, I was a dick. I was a weedy wormy dick.
1:31:27 Speaker 06 I didn't know I had a gift. Bigger than everyone else's gifts.
1:31:34 Speaker 06 I put myself down, said I couldn't sing. Even though I was the absolutely king of singing. And I thought my songs weren't good enough. When in fact, they were all actually very good. But then one day, a powerful record executive heard my jingles and she said. Oh my gosh, this guy is gonna Laura Laura Lully Talon. He's really gonna do an album. And now I'm smash, smash, smashing all of my music rivals. They're in a puddle choking, gasping for survival. I am hurtling up on my big successful rocket.
1:32:17 Speaker 06 Scattering songs below from my magic music pocket. I was sick of hiding my light under Gary Bushel.
1:32:28 Speaker 06 But now I'm holding a hand so strong it'll win like a royal flush all. I've got the musical equivalent of a royal flush in poker. Been trying so hard to be the me that's inside, the me that's inside, the me inside me. It's time to leave all the hurting behind, gonna flush it with the poo and the pee. No more fake self-deprecating like Hugh Grant in the rain. Cause people now prefer self-confidence even if it sounds insane.
1:33:12 Speaker 06 I'm gonna crush, crush, crush Coldplay and Taylor Swift. I'll smash Bad Bunny into funny tiny bunny bits. I'll make Drake bit for the scraps from my music plate. Bruno Mars is gonna be parking cars. See ya Rosalie, bye bye Millie Eilish. Write to me if you would like some tips on being stylish.
1:33:47 Speaker 02 Holy shit. I mean, am I right in saying that you took singing lessons in preparation for your live shows with the Adam Buxton Band?
1:33:54 Speaker 06 Well, I had one.
1:33:55 Speaker 02 Cause it shows.
1:33:56 Speaker 06 It really does, doesn't it?
1:33:57 Speaker 02 The one lesson really shows. Especially on the, on the middle eight, was that the middle eight? When you go all falsetto.
1:34:04 Speaker 06 It gets very breathy.
1:34:05 Speaker 02 That's very good. And it's exciting to listen to cause you're not, I mean, you're on the edge of your seat cause you're not sure whether you're gonna hit the notes. And sometimes you do and sometimes you don't, but it's equally exciting either way.
1:34:19 Speaker 06 It's thrilling.
1:34:20 Speaker 02 It's like Mission Impossible, watching an action sequence from a Mission Impossible movie. Is he gonna do it?
1:34:25 Speaker 06 It's like Free Solo. Did you ever see that movie?
1:34:27 Speaker 02 Of course. It's very, very like Free Solo. And lyrically, it's very strong with some very good rhymes, especially the one you have to actually explain.
1:34:38 Speaker 02 During the song. I played it to my wife and she didn't get the bit about the poker hand. No, no, no. And so to stop the song, a little musical pause to explain it to the audiences. Something more singers should be doing. I think so. And, you know, it's classy lyrics about poo and pee, references to Hugh Grant in the rain. So contemporary film references.
1:35:02 Speaker 02 Very young. I don't even think he is being self deprecating in that scene in Four Weddings. And the thing I like most about it is the way it sort of captured the tune of Golden. Whilst not being exactly the same. Well, it's intended not to directly infringe copyright. For legal reasons, but it was similar. It was, it's a soundalike. That's what I like. Yeah, yeah. Because if, it's a bit like, um, Harry Styles' big hit, you know, as it was. That was similar to Take On Me by Aha. Right. And that was a big, big hit, but there was a bit of time between the two. So I'd hold on to this for maybe 20 years. Then pop it out. Plop it onto someone's lap. Yeah. But, um, 20 years, you reckon? Yeah, when you're in your seventies.
1:35:49 Speaker 02 That seems like a long time. And then people who, you know, kids my daughter's age, they'll be in their mid twenties. And I'll be like, oh, that's really like old school and new school at the same time. But by that time, it might be fashionable to be self deprecating again.
1:36:06 Speaker 02 Right. And this is too arrogant. Too confident. It's too confident. Saying I'm gonna smash, smash all of my music rivals. Yeah, yeah, but there's an irony to it. It doesn't necessarily have to be taken at face value. Like, it could be, if you really push your imagination, it could be interpreted as a song by someone who can't sing. Who is like no good. And is bad, is bad, like really bad and everything to do with it.
1:36:39 Speaker 02 And everything, and everything around it.
1:36:44 Speaker 02 You're supposed to be the one wanting me to boost my confidence. But I'm saying it works on both levels.
1:36:58 Adam Buxton? Both levels.
1:37:01 Speaker 02 It's really good. Thanks very much.
1:37:03 Adam Buxton? You're welcome. Merry Christmas. Thank you so much for all my beautiful gifts.
1:37:07 Speaker 02 Merry Christmas to you and Merry Christmas, listeners. We hope you have a lovely Boxing Day if you're listening to this on Christmas Day and if you're not listening to it on Christmas morning, then what the hell are you thinking? Bye bye.
1:37:20 Adam Buxton? Bye. Well, I'll be back with you very shortly.
1:37:29 Adam Buxton? Wait. Continue.
1:37:48 Adam Buxton? Hey, welcome back, Podcats. Thank you so much to Joe Cornish for making the time to come and join me once again in my Christmas shack. It was lovely to see him and I'm so grateful to him for all his friendship and generosity, especially this year, supporting me promoting my book, I Love You Bye. What do you mean you haven't read it yet? The audiobook was nominated for a prestigious audiobook award, the Speakeas' inaugural year. Unfortunately, I was in a category, the memoir category, with some really quite heavyweight books and Sarah Wyn Williams, the Facebook whistleblower,
1:38:31 Adam Buxton? won for the audiobook version of her excellent book called Careless People, which I certainly recommend. But after you've finished Careless People, I think it's time for I Love You Bye. Put a lot of work into it, me and the audiobook team from Harper Collins.
1:38:50 Adam Buxton? Thanks to all of them. And Joe joins me at the end of it for an exclusive podcast waffle about the book and what he thought of it. So check that out. Don't forget as well to get in there early for tickets for the Adam Buxton Band Tour in Spring 2026, kicking off on the 1st of May in Manchester at the Stoller Hall. Then we're in Leeds, Exeter, Cardiff, Bath, Brighton, Margate, Buxton, Nottingham and Leicester. That's where it stands at the moment. From the 1st to the 19th of May, those shows are. Hope
1:39:29 Adam Buxton? you can come along. If you demand more buckles, talking about music and the record, then don't forget to check out Tape Notes with myself and Joe Mount, talking to John Kennedy. And there's me on the Soda Jerker on Songwriting podcast. An honour to be on both of those and they're always beautifully put together and produced and, you know, they have so many top-notch guests on both of those podcasts. It was a real thrill to be included. House
1:40:07 Adam Buxton? of Games, towards the middle of January 2026. Before I say goodbye today, I just wanted to give a few brief shout-outs to a handful of podcasts whose messages I particularly enjoyed. I enjoyed all of them. Thank you very much if you were one of the people that sent them in. We read all of them and much appreciated. Yeah, it was really kind of you. Thank you. And I'm so sorry that we only got to read a small handful, but there was loads there that I really enjoyed. Colin and his wife from Hebden Bridge, thanks for your message. Gareth and his daughter Trixie. Hey Trixie, I hope you're doing well. Richard
1:40:45 Adam Buxton? Harland, Simon Dickey, Jack Gavin, Martin, hello Martin, Dot, Andrew, Henry, Flossy and Stan, hope you're all well. There was Rosie Sneddon, who said, "My six-year-old daughter came home from school and excitedly told me that she'd been learning about biology." She very proudly announced, "Did you know, mummy, boys don't just have a penis, they also have tentacles." That made me laugh.
1:41:14 Adam Buxton? It's also true. Doesn't get talked about enough, I don't think. Thanks Gavin Shiel, Shiel, Shiel, for the joke about the witchy tall linesman. Can work backwards from that one. Thanks Martin for the Greek drug addict, Mr. Popalotta Pills. Thanks Joe, Ben, Clem and Finn, who, when told by his mum that she would be there in a minute or two, asked, "Why are you calling me Tortu?"
1:41:43 Adam Buxton? "Oh, it's cold." "Can you hear that wind?" "It is icy." Thanks Ben. "Why did the matchmaker set up two perfumiers on a date?" "They just made sense together." Thanks Alex, Beth, Cooper and Ava. Ava made this joke up, which is a kind of brilliant meta-construction incorporating a couple of tropes. "Why did Roger the Chicken cross the road to get to his friend's house?" Knock, knock. "Who's there?" Roger the Chicken.
1:42:16 Adam Buxton? Thanks Ed Norrie.
1:42:19 Adam Buxton? "Which animals can see inside you?" Cats can.
1:42:25 Adam Buxton? I mean, I can't believe that hasn't been made before, but I did check. Couldn't find it. I just got the AI assistant saying, "I believe this is a pun." "And there's no evidence that cats or any other animal can actually see inside your body."
1:42:44 Adam Buxton? And thanks to John for this joke, which goes like this. "Hey, man, I liked your joke about a Liam Neeson sequel where he rescues his daughter from a convent, but the punchline was too contrived. No offence." None taken.
1:42:59 Adam Buxton? None taken. Okay, that's it for 2025 from this podcast. Thank you very much, Seamus Murphy Mitchell, without whom I'd be lost. Very special thanks to Kid Klava for his musical assistance with my K-pop song. Thank you, Mr. K. Thanks Helen Green for the beautiful artwork. And while I'm at it, thanks Bryony Jackson for your beautiful artwork for the album. Thanks to everybody at Acast who work so hard liaising with my sponsors.
1:43:40 Adam Buxton? Thanks to everybody who appeared on the podcast this year and thank you so much for listening. If you'd like a creepy festive hug, now's the time. I've got my ski jacket on because it is Arctic. Come here, it's happening. Let's have a festive creepy hug. Hey, how's it going?
1:44:03 Adam Buxton? I hope you're doing okay out there, keeping it together. I hope things are not too stressful at this festive stressedive time of year. This podcast will be back with you in early 2026, probably around about March or April. Until then, please go carefully. It's ridiculous out there and for what it's worth, I love you and so does Rosie. It's true, I do do.
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