Bonus #182 - Doug Smith [PATREON PREVIEW]

Patreon preview. Unlock full episode at https://www.patreon.com/stavvysworld Doug Smith returns to the pod to discuss his son explaining to him what gooning is, his brother taking him to high school as a baby so he could pick up chicks, his son's love for anime, Stav's new addition to his art collection, why him and Stav are both dressed like it's fall for some reason, and much more. Doug and Stav help callers including a man whose sister is threatening to remove him from their dying abusive father's will if he doesn't contribute to his caretaking, and a corporate woman who's wondering if she should correct her client who calls her by the wrong name in meetings. Follow Doug Smith on social media: https://www.dougsmithcomedy.com/ https://www.instagram.com/whodougsmith/ https://x.com/whodougsmith ☎️ Want to be a part of the show? Call 904-800-STAV and leave a voicemail to get advice! 🎟️ See Stavvy live on the Dreamboat Tour 🛥️💕!!! https://stavvy.biz/ for tickets ‼️ Bonus episodes every week! Unlock exclusive, Patreon-only episodes at https://www.patreon.com/stavvysworld

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Time for a quick break to talk about McDonald's. It's the tangiest time of the year. For a limited time, head to McDonald's and get a McRib sandwich. Make it a meal by adding a medium fries and a soft drink like an ice cold Diet Dr. Pepper. So grab a McRib sandwich and embrace the tang. Save time by ordering ahead on the app. At participating McDonald's for a limited time. Dr. Pepper is a registered trademark of Dr. Pepper, 7-Up Inc.

• 0:24Speaker 01

  Hey, Stubb, Eldis, beautiful guest. I got a pretty standard shitty dad question for you.

• 0:31Stavros Halkias?

  Great.

• 0:31Speaker 01

  Um, long story short, my parents divorced when I was young. And I moved in with my dad. He was an abusive piece of shit. Uh, so I moved out when I was 13 and never spoke to him again.

• 0:44Stavros Halkias?

  Where'd you go?

• 0:45Speaker 01

  Fast forward a decade and, uh, he got diagnosed with something called Marfan Syndrome.

• 0:50Stavros Halkias?

  Marfan?

• 0:51Speaker 01

  Uh, he's now blind and, I don't know.

• 0:54Stavros Halkias?

  Isn't Marfan Syndrome what, isn't that like gigantism? Didn't, didn't Boban, doesn't Boban Marjanovic have Marfan Syndrome or some shit? I think that's, when you see that like- He turned into a Titan. When you, basically, I kinda, I kinda think it's you turning into a Titan.

• 1:08Speaker 03

  Characterized by skeletal changes like elongation of the limbs. And looseness of joints, displacement of the lens of the eye, so that's where the blindness comes in.

• 1:18Stavros Halkias?

  Look up Marfan Syndrome NBA players. And keep playing while you do that. Maybe see if you can be good at producing for, oh, nevermind.

• 1:25Speaker 01

  Practically, I'm a deathbed, like if I had to guess, this guy has like five years left. Um, and my older sister has gotten close to him. Uh, and has been taking care of him because of that. Uh, and now she's pissed at me, the guy he used to abuse when he was young. Um, that I'm not taking care of him and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Uh, I live three hours away, so I don't even know why she's mad at me for that. Um. And then she's also threatening to have him cut me out of his will if I don't start pitching in and reach out to him.

• 2:03Stavros Halkias?

  Hmm.

• 2:03Speaker 01

  Uh, I didn't even know I was in it. Uh, the only thing in his will is his house split four ways, so I'm looking at probably fifty to a hundred K. I have forty K in loans I need to pay off, so I don't really know what the fuck to do here. Um, I kinda planned on never talking to this guy again, but now my sister's telling me he has this will and if I-

• 2:28Stavros Halkias?

  Fuck your sister and fuck your dad, dude.

• 2:30Speaker 01

  Don't start talking to him and helping him out, she's gonna have him cut me out of it. And I don't know, man, I got forty K in loans, so I don't know. What's the move?

• 2:40Stavros Halkias?

  You gullible motherfucker.

• 2:41Speaker 01

  Uh, do I tell my sister to just go fuck herself or do I suck it up and uh, let this ass fall back into my life? I don't know. Sorry, it's kinda rambling.

• 2:50Stavros Halkias?

  You do know, you're just, you do know, you're just in the exact situation that makes you the most nervous. You're reverting into being a nervous ass little kid who's fucking drunk dad might fucking give him a black eye, so you're scared again. Um, yeah, dude, you gotta tell your sister to fuck off here, in my personal opinion. I don't know, you're, you're, you're kinda dealing, you've, you've dealt with elderly parents, you, a bunch of weird shit's going on. In fact, didn't some crazy shit happen? That was one of the reasons you couldn't do the podcast.

• 3:17Speaker 03

  That was the best excuse yet. Yeah, they found out my dad's caretaker was a convicted felon.

• 3:22Stavros Halkias?

  That's nuts, dude. You're just trusting you're barely mobile, fucking-

• 3:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 3:29Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, actually, what we should do is get this convicted felon to care for your dad. Well, that solves all the problems. Send this convicted felon to steal from this guy's abusive piece of shit dad.

• 3:40Speaker 03

  Doesn't matter if you're in the will or not.

• 3:41Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, the money's gonna be fucking-

• 3:43Speaker 03

  You'll get what's yours.

• 3:44Stavros Halkias?

  The money's going to a fucking gated communion in Barbados.

• 3:51Stavros Halkias?

  What did I, do you want to fucking, is it too weird to talk about?

• 3:55Speaker 04

  No, no, no.

• 3:55Stavros Halkias?

  You just found out that your dad's caretaker was a felon?

• 4:00Speaker 04

  It was not, my dad was actually doing okay. It was his wife's caretaker. So her kids were hiring just, you know, the cheapest, you know, Craigslist.

• 4:09Stavros Halkias?

  That's where you want to cut corners. Is caring after your elderly mother? Are you fucking kidding me? That's insane, dude.

• 4:17Speaker 04

  Yeah, they're like, can you change a diaper? No.

• 4:20Stavros Halkias?

  They're on Task Rabbit. They're like, watch my mom for seven hours. Forty dollars an hour and two bottles of water.

• 4:28Speaker 04

  Yeah. If you can mount a television, you can care for a eighty year old.

• 4:33Stavros Halkias?

  Change your diaper. Yeah, you get shelves put in, you're like, hey, in the notes, hang out with my mom and change her diaper twice. We'll give you forty dollar tip if so.

• 4:46Stavros Halkias?

  One time Adam, Adam was telling, Adam Friedland was telling me he hired a fucking, he hired a Task Rabbit to clean. Like, I guess he just wanted like a, you know, he didn't have, he just wanted someone to clean his place. And he fucking, and the guy, it was just some dude shows up, just Task Rabbit, and he's like, yeah, I can do it, whatever. And Adam just finds him on his belly, on his, on his phone. The guy just on his phone, feet up, be like, oh, sorry, I was taking a break.

• 5:17Stavros Halkias?

  Seeing a grown man. First of all, seeing any grown man with his feet up, like Britney Spears, like on the cover of her fucking album, on my bed would piss me off. Something just primal in me would be like, stop enjoying my bed. No other man can enjoy my bed. If it was a girl, it wouldn't make me as mad. But anyway, yeah, hire a Task Rabbit. So, so, so this is now, so this is your stepmom, basically.

• 5:44Speaker 04

  My stepmom, my stepmom's kids hired the, they were, they were burned through these people, like two weeks. Paying them a hundred bucks a day for round the clock care, you know? And these people would burn out and hit the bricks. So they were just burning through these people. And finally they found this woman who was great. She was just no complaints, just reorganized the garage, going above and beyond, cooking three meals a day, you know, sweet bubbly. And then my sister in law at some point was like, we should probably be doing background checks on these people. You know, there's a lot of elder abuse and you know, theft and fraud. And they ran a background check on her and she's just texted me a picture of a fucking mug shot.

• 6:28Stavros Halkias?

  Oh no.

• 6:29Speaker 04

  Just this methed out face, just chopped haircut, just.

• 6:32Stavros Halkias?

  Oh my God. But wait, was that like, how far in the past, like three, like a month before her?

• 6:38Speaker 04

  It was, it was, I think it was from two years prior to when they hired her.

• 6:42Stavros Halkias?

  A little too soon.

• 6:43Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 6:44Stavros Halkias?

  That's crazy. And she was great at the job though?

• 6:46Speaker 04

  Yeah. So we were kind of torn. We were like, but she's good. Like they're happy with her.

• 6:51Stavros Halkias?

  She's on thin ice.

• 6:53Speaker 04

  Yeah. We know what you've done. We know what you're up to. So that's basically what we said. We were like, we, we know your, you know, we know your history. Don't do anything.

• 7:06Speaker 04

  And then you like. And they kept her on for a while.

• 7:07Stavros Halkias?

  Nice.

• 7:08Speaker 04

  And then she eventually burned out.

• 7:09Stavros Halkias?

  She obviously, you know, choked my mother in law to death.

• 7:15Stavros Halkias?

  She actually ended up selling my stepmother's kidneys on the black market. But she told them they were from a youthful, she had a, so then she got killed by the cartel because they were expecting the child's kidneys. It's a whole thing, but that's so funny to be like, ah, she's pretty good.

• 7:29Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 7:30Stavros Halkias?

  And you know what? People do need second chances.

• 7:32Speaker 04

  Kitchen, chicken catcher, Tori.

• 7:34Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. Honestly, if someone was addicted to shit and then got their life, and if they looked really fucked up in the mug shot and they looked good now.

• 7:42Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 7:43Stavros Halkias?

  I think I, and they were great at the job. I do think you kind, if they looked exactly the same and they were being weird already, I'd be like, all right.

• 7:50Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 7:50Stavros Halkias?

  Sorry, but you know, people need second chances.

• 7:53Speaker 04

  Exactly. That's what I said. It's like she's turned over a new leaf. Give her a shot.

• 7:57Stavros Halkias?

  Getting the, getting a text that the woman you're, that's in the home with your elderly father every day. Yeah. Like this, that's not a great text to get, but well, good for her.

• 8:07Speaker 04

  Right.

• 8:08Stavros Halkias?

  But anyway, returning to this guy's call, I would say, I would say, first of all, here's what's going on. Your sister is completely overwhelmed with how much it takes to care for an old person. And she's grasping at straws. And now she's like, fuck, how do I, I don't want to do this bullshit. Well, could we hire someone? I don't want to pay the money. It's like, what about my brother who my dad molested? What if I could guilt him into changing a diaper every once in a while? So I could go to fucking Samba class or whatever the fuck. Cause like right now, even like my mom is dealing with this with, you know, my grandma, she's old as fuck and my mom has to be her care like, and I've even offered to be like, you, my mom just doesn't want a random person in her house.

• 8:53Stavros Halkias?

  She's like, look, I'm still young enough. I can still handle it. But I've offered like, we'll pay for somebody, like we'll get somebody and, and it, it's, I don't know. I guess my mom is just, people get stuck in patterns that they just know. I might just have to force it on her this year where, cause I, she cares after my nephew. Basically her whole life has now become babysitter or fuck babysitter of an old woman or a baby, or literal baby.

• 9:15Speaker 04

  Right.

• 9:17Stavros Halkias?

  But it takes a lot, like looking at, and I think America's real, dude, we're going to be really fucked. When all these fucking boomers, all these boomers keep voting to keep themselves healthy and have resources. And it's like, soon you're about to be so fucking old. You're going to, they're going to drain all, they're going to have to sell those houses to get fucking around the clock care. Cause this shit, it's, it's a lot. So I think what's going on here is your sister is up against the wall, right? Needs help. Nope. Your dad's a piece of shit. So no one, he doesn't have community or friends or you're this literal kid who doesn't want to see him. So who the fuck else is going to want to deal with this fuck? Like, that's the thing. The checks come due for pieces of shit.

• 10:00Stavros Halkias?

  And this is coming due and it would be nice if it only affected your dad, but it's clearly affecting your sister. I think ultimately.

• 10:10Stavros Halkias?

  I don't know what your relationship is to your sister. I think it's pretty fucked up and manipulative of someone to try and force them to make amends with the person that abused them so badly that this guy said he moved out at 13.

• 10:24Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 10:25Stavros Halkias?

  Where the fuck did you go?

• 10:26Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 10:27Stavros Halkias?

  I mean, what the fuck are you talking about? And also, what the hell is his mom up to if his fucking abusive dad got custody? That's fucking nuts, dude. They never give a fucking man custody. His mom must have been a real fucking piece of shit. Or, I don't know, dead or something. I don't know. So I don't know. Maybe something, my guess is tragedy.

• 10:43Speaker 04

  He's gotta bring the sister to his side and let this guy fucking rot.

• 10:47Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I think, I think the point is, I don't know, is your sister a reasonable person? I don't know what the fuck's going on here.

• 10:54Speaker 04

  But it's true. It's not something that one person can take on. And you're just gonna be scrambling for who else can I dump some of this shit on?

• 11:00Stavros Halkias?

  Exactly, exactly. And, but this is not your fucking issue. Like, have you, have you gotten lucky in that, even though you're a fucking 40-year-old man now, you're still the baby of the family? So do your, are your fucking siblings, like, take care of most of that other shit? Or do you have to get in there?

• 11:15Speaker 04

  Yeah, now that he's, he's, he lives down in Maryland now, like 15 minutes away from my brother. He's at an assisted living facility. So, yeah, I mean, I was visiting him every week while he was living with the convicted meth head.

• 11:31Stavros Halkias?

  Sure.

• 11:31Speaker 04

  Making sure she hadn't, you know, stolen the hubcaps.

• 11:34Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 11:35Speaker 04

  Yeah, that was, I mean, that was like a two-year stint. I was going to visit him every week.

• 11:39Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, wow. We live in Connecticut?

• 11:40Speaker 04

  In, in Rockland County.

• 11:42Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, in Rockland, okay, so nearby.

• 11:44Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's not fun, man.

• 11:46Stavros Halkias?

  So, yeah, that's my read of the situation, is your sister's desperate. This is a lot of work.

• 11:50Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 11:50Stavros Halkias?

  And at the same time, though I do empathize with her, if it's, if there's one person whose problem this is not, it's you.

• 11:58Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 11:58Stavros Halkias?

  And listen, if he, if, if your dad would say to you, I'm, I was a piece of shit. I'm really sorry. I fucked up so bad. I'd like for you to, you know, if he wasn't like, I don't want you to help me. I would just like to spend, if your dad reached out to you, like, I'm so sorry. I'd love to be a part of your life in any capacity that's comfortable for you. It's totally up to you. I realize I fucked up. And oh, by the way.

• 12:26Stavros Halkias?

  It will never make up for what I did, but I want you to know that when I pass, you get X amount of dollars and you have all, if your dad did that and you had it in writing, by the way, that you're getting money, because right now this poor bastard is being this gullible idiot. Sorry, man. I don't think you're an idiot. I think you're a gullible person who was abused and probably your pattern is sort of like guilt is really working on you and your sister is king and all that. And I think it's actually really cruel of her to do that. She doesn't even, he's like now, she knows that if he was, if she just appealed to a sense of justice, he would never help his fucking dickhead dad.

• 13:03Speaker 03

  Right.

• 13:04Stavros Halkias?

  And she probably knows that her dad is never going to fully apologize. So she has no way to like appeal to his like sense of wanting to reconcile. So she knows the most powerful, just like everything else, this guy's material conditions. You know, and we had Jabuki on and he said, you can either choose like dignity or money and capitalism. And it's like, that's what she's appealing to you now. She's like, well, I know he's got loans and I'm gonna, maybe he can trade his dignity, even though he made a principal stand to get away from this abuser. What if I pretended like he might pay his student loans off? Because your fucking sister, your sister doesn't know what's in the will. You don't even know. So if I wouldn't even consider it unless I got a real number in writing.

• 13:46Stavros Halkias?

  And even then, I think this money is not worth it. You don't know how much it is. Maybe if it was a guaranteed huge lump sum, maybe. You don't even know what's in the will. You don't, you can't trust that that's what's going to stay in the will. These people, go ahead, Eldis, you're gearing up to say something?

• 14:04Speaker 03

  I'm just gonna say too, 40,000 in debt sucks. That's a lot, but you know, when's your dad gonna die? First of all, who knows how long this asshole's gonna be kicking? And how long you might be on the hook and you know, just not feel good about it and never get an apology or anything from him. But also he said house split four ways.

• 14:24Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 14:25Speaker 03

  Probate after, after death is a fucking headache.

• 14:29Stavros Halkias?

  Yep.

• 14:29Speaker 03

  You're, someone's gonna need to be like running around.

• 14:33Stavros Halkias?

  The lawyer.

• 14:34Speaker 03

  Paperwork.

• 14:35Stavros Halkias?

  You know, the lawyer you buy to make, all the fees, all this other shit. If all we're talking about is a house, dude, I would say for your soul, if this was a hundred million dollars, it's not worth it. Now.

• 14:48Speaker 04

  I'm also not picturing some like blue blood palatial estate here.

• 14:53Speaker 03

  Somebody tells me this dad has not buttoned up his shit the right way.

• 14:57Speaker 04

  Aluminum siding, split level ranch.

• 14:59Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 15:00Speaker 04

  Split four ways.

• 15:01Stavros Halkias?

  Listen, you're.

• 15:02Speaker 04

  That's not even gonna cover your 40 grand, man.

• 15:05Stavros Halkias?

  It's like, look, look, you're, he's gonna cut you out of the world and we're talking about $800 in Kohl's cash. If you, you know, we're talking about, uh, we're talking about some vintage Marlboro merchandise.

• 15:22Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, dude, you're being, you're being manipulated. You're also gullible. You're falling into the same patterns that your abusive family. I don't, that, you know, have put you in this position. Your sister is not who decides whether you have to have a relationship with your dad or not.

• 15:37Speaker 04

  No.

• 15:38Stavros Halkias?

  You do. And furthermore, your sister is not the person who can convince you to. I think if your dad made a real appeal to you and you felt like you wanted to, then you could do it. But this money, this money is fake. You don't even have a number. I think she's, she, there's a chance she's just straight up lying to you.

• 15:58Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 15:58Stavros Halkias?

  You know what I mean?

• 15:59Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 16:00Stavros Halkias?

  So don't fucking do.

• 16:01Speaker 03

  Call her bluff and see what she does. Be like, okay, take me out.

• 16:04Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 16:04Speaker 03

  And then be like, dad fucking molested me or hit me or whatever.

• 16:07Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 16:08Speaker 03

  And, you know.

• 16:09Stavros Halkias?

  She probably knows.

• 16:10Speaker 03

  At the very least, I should fucking get this money.

• 16:13Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 16:13Speaker 03

  But if you want to take me out, I don't give a fuck.

• 16:15Stavros Halkias?

  I don't fucking care.

• 16:16Speaker 03

  I hate him.

• 16:16Stavros Halkias?

  I hate him. He's a piece of shit. He should rot.

• 16:18Speaker 04

  Make sure you got, make sure you got homeowner, homeowner's insurance, torch the place with him in it.

• 16:23Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 16:24Speaker 04

  Two birds, one stone.

• 16:25Stavros Halkias?

  I like that a lot.

• 16:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 16:27Stavros Halkias?

  Commit insurance fraud and murder your father.

• 16:32Stavros Halkias?

  Now that's not our, for legal reasons, that's not our official advice, but consider all your options.

• 16:39Speaker 04

  What a humorous, satirical solution that is.

• 16:42Stavros Halkias?

  Humorous, non-real.

• 16:44Speaker 04

  That would be crazy, right?

• 16:46Stavros Halkias?

  It would be crazy to do. Do not look up faulty wiring in the types of homes that your father lives in and try and recreate it. So then.