#116 - Adam Ray

Adam Ray joins the pod for a special LA edition to discuss the most famous Michaels, meeting Kendall Gill as a fat child, his reverence for Oprah, short-circuiting as Dr. Phil, post-show rituals, farting, and much more. Adam and Stav help callers including a woman in college who's frustrating by the fact that guys her age can't hold a conversation, and a guy whose mom lied about his uncle stealing her inheritance. Watch Adam Ray's Netflix special Adam Ray Is Dr. Phil UNLEASHED: https://www.netflix.com/title/81944995 See Adam Ray live!! Buy tix at https://adamraycomedy.com/ Follow Adam Ray on social media: https://www.instagram.com/adamraycomedy/ https://www.youtube.com/@adamraycomedy https://www.tiktok.com/@adamraycomedy https://www.facebook.com/AdamRayComedy/ Grow your business right now at Shopify -- no matter what stage you're in. Sign up for a $1/month trial at https://www.shopify.com/stavvy Get the shaving products that always deliver from Harry’s. Get started with a $13 trial set for just $3 at https://www.harrys.com/STAVVY Find exactly what you're booking for on Booking.com! https://www.booking.com/ 🎟️ See Stavvy live on the Dreamboat Tour 🛥️💕!!! https://stavvy.biz/ for tickets 🎥 Rent or buy LET'S START A CULT at https://stavvy.biz/movie ‼️ Bonus episodes every week! Unlock exclusive, Patreon-only episodes at https://www.patreon.com/stavvysworld ☎️ Wanna be part of the show? Call 904-800-STAV and leave a voicemail to get advice!

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

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• 0:30Speaker 01

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• 0:42Speaker 02

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• 0:46Speaker 03

  Papa! Welcome, everybody, to Stav's World. 904-800-Stav. Call in, we'll solve all your problems. We have returned to beautiful Los Angeles. We are here doing the sunny L.A. Hollywood Halke series where we... I flew Eldis out, ripped him from his family. So that, on short notice, so that we could get a couple of our favorites that we don't get to see in New York. And we are continuing that today with our buddy, Adam Ray.

• 1:17Speaker 04

  My man.

• 1:17Speaker 03

  Thanks for coming, dude.

• 1:18Speaker 04

  God, I love a good bump.

• 1:19Speaker 03

  Nice bump, dude.

• 1:20Speaker 04

  Never done coke, though. Let me just get that out of the way. Yeah. People keep asking me at shows, because, you know, like you're so... I think it's just high-energy onstage. Not so, but I'm always like coke-energy. Like, I'm always like, I feel like, you know, eight Capri Suns in an hour energy.

• 1:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:38Speaker 04

  But I also don't know what full... I mean, I've only been around a few people ever that I could tell they were on, like, full-on.

• 1:45Speaker 03

  And who were they? Let's name names.

• 1:46Speaker 04

  Uh...

• 1:49Speaker 04

  And, oops, that was the full name. I tried to come up with a joke name at the end there.

• 1:53Speaker 03

  We'll bleep, we'll bleep.

• 1:53Speaker 04

  And Jeff Samsonite. No, uh, that's the real guy.

• 1:57Speaker 03

  The guy who fucking started the luggage company?

• 2:00Speaker 04

  You got it.

• 2:01Speaker 03

  Wow, the heir to the Samsonite luggage company?

• 2:03Speaker 04

  Huge coke head. What do you think all those briefcases were for? Minch? Dental dams, nope, coke.

• 2:13Speaker 03

  No cocaine for young Adam Ray, huh?

• 2:14Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 2:15Speaker 03

  Um, nothing.

• 2:16Speaker 04

  No coke, but I love a good, I mean dude, I, this past week was a lot of drinking.

• 2:22Speaker 03

  And it's February, and so, you know, this past week.

• 2:25Speaker 04

  Black History Month, yeah, so I tried to.

• 2:27Speaker 03

  This past February, February, you had a great time.

• 2:35Speaker 03

  So yeah, well, you were up to some cool stuff this past week.

• 2:38Speaker 04

  I was, man. All the stuff, man, Valentine's Day.

• 2:42Speaker 03

  Valentine's Day, President's Day.

• 2:43Speaker 04

  President's Day, Martin Luther King Day.

• 2:45Speaker 03

  No, that's January.

• 2:46Speaker 04

  That's January.

• 2:47Speaker 03

  Which.

• 2:48Speaker 04

  Feels like a Feb month, though. And not because of the Black History thing, it just feels like, uh, there are probably some holidays that get lost in the shuffle like that.

• 2:54Speaker 03

  Well, maybe that's why, you know, I've had it, you hear a lot of complaining, Black History Month's the shortest month.

• 3:01Speaker 04

  I was wondering where you were going with that. Why is it still a holiday? I was like, where's he going with this?

• 3:04Speaker 03

  MLK Day, you could kind of argue, should count towards Black History Month.

• 3:08Speaker 04

  Yes, pretty big one.

• 3:10Speaker 03

  You know, you get an extra one, they should make it the last day of January, so it's one continuous.

• 3:15Speaker 04

  I'd be okay with that.

• 3:16Speaker 03

  You know what I mean? Although, it is nice to have that, it is funny because you, you think like, oh, MLK Day was created to honor an American hero, and it turns out like, a lot of the times, it's just like, the people who have great jobs already, like, it's like, a lot of rich people who work at fucking Google, now they get, ooh, maybe we'll go skiing. We have that Monday off, it's like, it's like fucking, you know, it's, it's turned into just sort of, because only good ass companies, like, fewer and fewer people get every holiday, I guess the federal government gets it off.

• 3:49Speaker 04

  They get all, yeah, I mean, look, we don't take Hanukkah off, and I'm speaking for most Jews.

• 3:54Speaker 03

  Alright, let's relax, you get a lot of holidays that I would not, I would not go, Jews don't get enough holidays.

• 4:01Speaker 04

  Let me finish my Hebrew rant. My Hanukkah hostility.

• 4:05Speaker 03

  If there's one group that can't really talk about fucking holidays, I think it's you.

• 4:09Speaker 04

  Can we just get one secoat off? Everyone's like, and this is the marker where I turned it off.

• 4:17Speaker 03

  Is Sukkot the one, which was Jewish Halloween?

• 4:19Speaker 04

  You don't have to do this.

• 4:21Speaker 03

  Which was Jewish Halloween?

• 4:23Speaker 04

  Jewish Halloween is Purim.

• 4:25Speaker 03

  Purim.

• 4:26Speaker 04

  I love that I knew what you meant.

• 4:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, you know what I mean?

• 4:28Speaker 04

  Also, Jewish Halloween sounds better than Purim.

• 4:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 4:32Speaker 04

  But we, Passover is probably the most fun because it's the, it's the most, that's just really like a, you know, there's a story and there's a lot of symbolism, but it's really like a, let's have a fucking party. There's different versions. There's the sit down, go through the, you know, the story and there's, you know, kids do a part and it's all this, you know, and it takes four hours. Or there's the, let's do the bridge. Yeah, it's a cold read. You might as well read season four, episode six from Entourage.

• 5:02Speaker 04

  And just have one guy go, hey, turtle, why aren't you getting any more pussy tonight? Lloyd!

• 5:06Speaker 03

  Do you think Jesus had a turtle? Which one of the 12 apostles was turtle? You know, was there, look up the names of the, the TV's off, Eldis. You fucking idiot.

• 5:17Speaker 04

  You idiot, dude.

• 5:17Speaker 03

  You're embarrassing me in front of Adam, Eldis.

• 5:20Speaker 04

  What are you doing, man?

• 5:20Speaker 03

  I swear to God.

• 5:21Speaker 04

  We flew you all the way out here on Southwest Sea Group, just so you can fuck up the tube.

• 5:27Speaker 03

  That's his fault. I told him to set an alarm to check in. It's not my fault he got Sea Group.

• 5:31Speaker 04

  Bro, and if you get into Sea Group, you might as well just sign up for narnia.com and make a profile. Cause you are now a member of the bottom of the barrel crew.

• 5:39Speaker 03

  It's tough.

• 5:40Speaker 04

  Sea Group is wild, dude.

• 5:42Speaker 03

  Sea Group's tough to get by, especially as a fat man.

• 5:44Speaker 04

  Have you ever had somebody massage your spot where you're like C98 and they come up and like, oh, hey, are you C95 or C96? And you're like, hey Doug, we're both sitting on the fucking wing, man. What are you doing right now?

• 5:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. At the end, it's like, look, it's a middle seat, man.

• 6:02Speaker 04

  It's a middle seat or maybe not even, or you're standby for the next flight.

• 6:05Speaker 03

  Right, right, right. Thank God I'm not. I'm out of Southwest, thank the Lord.

• 6:10Speaker 04

  It's now a Burbank to AZ if JSX is, is too much or unavailable. Because it still is so easy. Or Burbank to Vegas, it's. You know, forty minutes and it's just, there's ninety flights a day.

• 6:26Speaker 03

  Actually, that's not true, yeah, cuz we definitely actually did fly Southwest on a lot of weird regional.

• 6:30Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 6:31Speaker 03

  Detroit to Dallas or some weird shit, you know what I mean?

• 6:34Speaker 04

  It was one of my first jokes. I talked about buying a airplane ticket while I was super baked. It was probably my second year into smoking weed and uh.

• 6:41Speaker 03

  Nice dude.

• 6:42Speaker 04

  And first year in stand up.

• 6:43Speaker 03

  Forty years old, how old?

• 6:44Speaker 04

  Forty years old and uh, and uh, dad blew it on my face and said, I'll see you when you're twenty-two. And uh, not a joke and uh, no, and he goes uh, um, I, I would go, I got, cuz it was a confirmation code. I was, she's like, she's like, I'm gonna read back to you. B is in boy, K is in kaleidoscope, uh, P is in Peter. Read it back to me. I go, alright, uh, B is in.

• 7:08Speaker 04

  That's what I would do in the joke.

• 7:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 7:10Speaker 04

  That's way more laughter than we get.

• 7:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, okay.

• 7:12Speaker 04

  I go, K is in Ku Klux Klan and then I go, and P is in pneumonia. And then that would get a decent laugh.

• 7:18Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 7:18Speaker 04

  And then um, and then I would say, I go, I got so baked that I bought a round trip ticket from LAX to Burbank. And, and then I didn't know that you couldn't do a regional joke outside of LA. So I went to some festival in Utah and did it and I remember being like, I'm gonna close with this.

• 7:35Speaker 03

  This is it.

• 7:35Speaker 04

  I'm only doing seven. It's my first fest, but I'm a year in. Dude, festival, a year in. Okay.

• 7:42Speaker 03

  Fest, comedy festivals, AKA pyramid scheme. Like, they just, they would charge you to fucking.

• 7:48Speaker 04

  Oh, I, I don't think I made any money. I think I got a hotel for four days and uh, but no drinks for free.

• 7:55Speaker 03

  And if they put you up.

• 7:56Speaker 04

  Shout out to Keith Stubbs and the Rocky Mountain Laugh Off, two thousand, uh, two thousand seven. Yeah, they put you up.

• 8:01Speaker 03

  Wow, the Rocky Mountain Laugh Off, dude. Stop flexing on us, dude. I bring you here, you fucking, just fucking brag right in front of my face?

• 8:09Speaker 04

  I was also uh, on the season premiere of According to Jim in two thousand seven.

• 8:13Speaker 03

  Oh, who'd you play in that?

• 8:15Speaker 04

  The water boy.

• 8:16Speaker 03

  Nice.

• 8:17Speaker 04

  Dropped two bottles of Sparklets during the live taping and delayed things for forty-five minutes.

• 8:23Speaker 04

  I had to walk in with two things on my shoulders and I walked in and I had to go, "Hey Jim," boy, I was like a good Christian boy and that Jim Belushi was trying to get Courtney Thorne Smith. He was writing like sexy letters to her from me because their marriage was in shambles.

• 8:37Speaker 03

  Right.

• 8:37Speaker 04

  In a sitcom relationship.

• 8:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, she was hot too.

• 8:40Speaker 04

  She was. She was coming from Melrose Place right into Belushi's pants. And so, yeah, and so, and that show, by the way, was on the air for eight years.

• 8:48Speaker 03

  Belushi, he had a nice little check off that.

• 8:50Speaker 04

  Nice run dude. And he, I remember I was walking up when I left real quick and I was like, "Jim, I go, "Thanks man, it's my first TV gig, thanks for being cool." He's smoking a stogie because I had knocked on his door and in my head I was like, "I'm just gonna go say, "Thanks for being cool, man," and knock on the door, by the way, like four times, because it just didn't open. Should have just taken the hint. "Hey, he doesn't want to talk to the guest star, man." Opens the door and he goes, "Huh?" And he's on the phone, I go, "Just wanted to say thanks for making my first date great, man." He goes, "All right."

• 9:20Speaker 04

  So not a dick, just not, you know, in my head, I'm like, "Can you invite me in for a cognac?"

• 9:24Speaker 03

  Of course.

• 9:24Speaker 04

  "We'll talk about John."

• 9:25Speaker 03

  Yeah. "Hey Jim, want to come in?" I'm sure this has never happened to you, "But I'm a young comedian who wants to talk about your more talented dead brother. "Would you like to do that?" That's fucking awesome, dude.

• 9:40Speaker 04

  Still a couple chewy bars from Crafty if you're looking to tie one off. Wait, no, so then, so I dropped, I had to walk in.

• 9:47Speaker 03

  Great career though, he's got, he was in, he's been in.

• 9:49Speaker 04

  Curly Sue.

• 9:50Speaker 03

  Uh, I loved him in fucking Man, or no, no, Thief. He's so good in Thief. Have you ever seen it? Michael Mann?

• 9:57Speaker 04

  No.

• 9:58Speaker 03

  Early Michael Mann.

• 9:59Speaker 04

  Awesome.

• 10:00Speaker 03

  It's, um, James Caan is playing a thief. Dude, you, it's a great movie.

• 10:04Speaker 04

  Okay, cool.

• 10:04Speaker 03

  If you like Michael Mann, you'd like it. And Belushi's in there.

• 10:06Speaker 04

  Yeah, Belushi's great. Michael Mann's great. Didn't Michael Mann do the new turtles?

• 10:10Speaker 03

  No.

• 10:11Speaker 04

  No, that was Michael Bay.

• 10:14Speaker 04

  How often does that happen? Michael Bay and Michael Mann, constantly confused.

• 10:19Speaker 03

  Michael Mann.

• 10:19Speaker 04

  I'm gonna host that show. Michael or Michael? We take all, alright, real quick game.

• 10:24Speaker 03

  Quick.

• 10:25Speaker 04

  Rank who you think the most famous Michaels are. Uh, I want five. In no particular order. Give me five of the most famous Michaels.

• 10:33Speaker 03

  Jackson, Jordan, right off the bat.

• 10:35Speaker 04

  Great.

• 10:35Speaker 03

  In one and two.

• 10:37Speaker 04

  Yeah, you can rank those.

• 10:38Speaker 03

  Still might be Tyson.

• 10:39Speaker 04

  Wow. Especially after his, uh...

• 10:43Speaker 03

  He's in the zeitgeist that now happened, you know, at this point, three months ago, four months ago, something like that.

• 10:53Speaker 03

  But it's still hanging on here in February as we're still, it's still on the tip of everyone's lips.

• 10:57Speaker 04

  I heard he's gonna fight Orlando Jones, the old 7-Up guy, next, yeah. Isn't that his name? Yeah, okay, good.

• 11:04Speaker 03

  I believe so, yes. Um, okay, that's three mics right off the fucking bat.

• 11:10Speaker 04

  Could throw a few your way if you're, uh...

• 11:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, who else would be, uh, yeah.

• 11:14Speaker 04

  I'm gonna try to think of actors, I mean, Keaton.

• 11:16Speaker 03

  Keaton?

• 11:17Speaker 04

  Maybe, but, I mean, they didn't have to...

• 11:19Speaker 03

  I mean, these are not, was a big drop-off. In terms, and I love Michael Keaton, but these are three of the most famous guys of all time.

• 11:25Speaker 04

  Cause you're not willing to put him on a list of five mics.

• 11:27Speaker 03

  Are we talking about who we like, or who we think is the most famous?

• 11:30Speaker 04

  You're right, I said top five mics of all time. Uh, was Rappaport it? No.

• 11:35Speaker 03

  Rappaport? Okay, Keaton before Rappaport.

• 11:40Speaker 04

  It's the name of my memoir, actually. Keaton before Rappaport.

• 11:45Speaker 03

  Michael McDonald?

• 11:46Speaker 04

  Yeah? Bolton?

• 11:49Speaker 03

  Bolton?

• 11:50Speaker 04

  I'd go McDonald before Bolton.

• 11:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 11:52Speaker 04

  Which is the follow-up to Keaton before Rappaport.

• 11:54Speaker 03

  But Bolton had a higher peak, maybe? This is awesome podcasting. And I love it, by the way, we're, I'm not saying that to change...

• 12:01Speaker 04

  Sorry if I took us down a road that is a little dusty, but...

• 12:03Speaker 03

  I wanna be very clear, I am gonna keep us on this road.

• 12:06Speaker 04

  Okay, great.

• 12:06Speaker 03

  Cause I, now I need to know, and I'm, by the way, don't look it up, Eldis. We're gonna do this the old-fashioned way. Michaels, okay, okay.

• 12:15Speaker 04

  You don't gotta tell me to not pull up something in time.

• 12:17Speaker 03

  That's true, that's what you're best at. Your best producing skill, not jumping on it and moving the show along.

• 12:23Speaker 04

  Real sidebar, what's a better song to, uh...

• 12:25Speaker 03

  No, nice try.

• 12:26Speaker 04

  To get slippery with? "Taking it to the streets" or "Butterfly kisses"?

• 12:32Speaker 03

  Taking it to the streets.

• 12:33Speaker 04

  Yeah, that's the correct answer.

• 12:34Speaker 03

  Now, let's stay on task. Now, if, if it's just Michaels, and it doesn't have to be real guys, I would argue Michael Corleone. Is more famous of a concept as a guy, can they be fictional? Cause if so, I'm going Michael Corleone.

• 12:50Speaker 04

  And if we're going fictional Michaels, I'm gonna have to throw Michael's arts and crafts in there.

• 12:57Speaker 04

  And I'm not sponsored by him yet. Bing, what a ding noise.

• 13:02Speaker 03

  Okay, yeah, that's not bad.

• 13:04Speaker 04

  Okay, so that's the five. The actor one, there's probably way more than we're even thinking about.

• 13:08Speaker 03

  Elders, look up five most famous Michaels.

• 13:10Speaker 04

  Oh my God, here we go, I got one for you. Wait, J. Fox.

• 13:13Speaker 03

  Michael J. Fox, good one.

• 13:16Speaker 04

  I went and saw the Back to the Future musical, The Story Gets Better, about him a month and a half ago. And it made me go back and watch the movie and man, he's

• 13:26Speaker 03

  He's awesome.

• 13:27Speaker 04

  Just one of the best dude. And then it made me wanna go, oh, I should watch Life with Mikey. Then I should watch Greed. Uh, do you ever see that?

• 13:33Speaker 03

  Never seen Greed.

• 13:34Speaker 04

  It's a wild eighties movie that's one of those like big ensemble cast.

• 13:39Speaker 04

  I don't wanna say like Amanda Peet, it's just a lot of bangers. They're all basically, Phil Hartman I believe is in it and they're all fighting over the, uh, Grandpa that's about to die and leave a ton of money. And so it's all like

• 13:48Speaker 03

  That sounds fun.

• 13:49Speaker 04

  Wild, crazy, it's like Rat Race, but, um, you seen Rat Race?

• 13:52Speaker 03

  Love Rat Race.

• 13:53Speaker 04

  It's like Rat Race, but they're fighting over Grandpa's money.

• 13:55Speaker 03

  Love it, yeah, yeah.

• 13:56Speaker 04

  But no Seth Green or Mr. Bean.

• 13:57Speaker 03

  Okay, well then you lost me, no Mr. Bean. I love Rat Race, he's just doing, he's just doing Mr. Bean.

• 14:04Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 14:05Speaker 03

  It's like, but it's not a Mr. Bean movie.

• 14:07Speaker 04

  No.

• 14:08Speaker 03

  That should not, oh, Michael Phelps, I'm a fucking piece of shit.

• 14:11Speaker 05

  Michael Douglas, that was a huge oversight.

• 14:14Speaker 03

  I can't believe you left me off the list.

• 14:16Speaker 04

  By the way, never tried a Michael Douglas before.

• 14:18Speaker 03

  That wasn't bad. Fresh, coming in, taking a three, no warm up, that's not bad dude. Okay, here we go.

• 14:26Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 14:26Speaker 03

  Michael, okay, Michael Schumacher, maybe not for us, but in the world.

• 14:30Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 14:31Speaker 03

  Probably.

• 14:33Speaker 03

  Fuck Bloomberg.

• 14:34Speaker 04

  No. Got to leave him off.

• 14:36Speaker 03

  I'm going, I would, I would, I would, with no disrespect to Michael's arts and crafts, I would put Michael Phelps up there.

• 14:43Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 14:43Speaker 03

  Because the Olympics is such a global thing and he's got the most Olympic.

• 14:47Speaker 04

  He's also from, uh.

• 14:48Speaker 03

  Come on.

• 14:49Speaker 04

  Well, I now have to give a quick story from my boy Norm. We were at the Super Bowl and we got into that Shaq Carnival Cruise, Jamba Juice, Jamba Juice party, whatever.

• 14:58Speaker 03

  More bragging.

• 14:58Speaker 04

  It was, uh, no, it was, by the way, we definitely got denied multiple times with our wristbands before we actually got in, so hold your thought.

• 15:08Speaker 04

  Put your pants back on.

• 15:09Speaker 03

  The Shaq Carnival Cruise at the Super Bowl, sounds fun.

• 15:14Speaker 04

  It was wild. Chainsmokers were there, I think, or guys that looked like him. And, uh, and, uh, and, um, and Phelps walks by and my buddy Norm was just like, I just gotta go say something to him. Cause we're in an area where, you know, I don't think, he was going to a way more private area, but at least we were in the beginning area that was like, alright, like you're not.

• 15:32Speaker 03

  You might catch him.

• 15:32Speaker 04

  Yeah, and so Norm goes up and goes, he goes, Michael, uh, or no, he goes, hey, Mike. He goes, hey, sorry, but you know, and I wish I could remember where Norm was from and, and, uh, in, in Baltimore. And he goes, you know, we went to, I think, same high schoolers, this group in the same street.

• 15:46Speaker 03

  Oh, wow. Towson?

• 15:46Speaker 04

  They fucking.

• 15:47Speaker 03

  Probably Towson.

• 15:48Speaker 04

  Hands off from the same babysitter, whatever the story was.

• 15:50Speaker 03

  Uh, both molested by the same woman.

• 15:51Speaker 04

  Yes, that's what it was. Sorry, Norm. Every, every story's gotta be told at some point.

• 15:58Speaker 04

  Which is, which is, which is the prequel to Keeping Before Rappaport.

• 16:03Speaker 03

  That's a great question. If you got molested by the same woman as an Olympian, would you bring it up as a fun fact? Or what do you think? I don't, I think maybe to your closest friends.

• 16:16Speaker 04

  Funny dude. God, comedy's awesome. Cause that's such a funny, like, would you bring it up? Would you go, hey, uh, Mike, did we grow up in the same place? Oh, cool, man. Uh, uh, I'm not done.

• 16:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 16:26Speaker 04

  We actually both got fingered by the same man.

• 16:29Speaker 03

  No, no, no, no, no. That you don't bring up.

• 16:31Speaker 04

  Oh, that you don't bring up.

• 16:32Speaker 03

  If it's a woman, then you have a little more gray area.

• 16:34Speaker 04

  Let me finish my story.

• 16:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, okay.

• 16:36Speaker 04

  A man with tits.

• 16:38Speaker 03

  Okay. Well, still a man, sorry.

• 16:41Speaker 04

  Okay, all right, Joe Rogan. But, uh, yeah, the, um.

• 16:45Speaker 03

  A woman with a dick, I'm listening, but a man with tits, you know?

• 16:51Speaker 04

  And anyway, to the bride and groom.

• 16:55Speaker 04

  Boy, that was the weirdest speech. Does this guy even know the couple?

• 17:03Speaker 04

  By the way, I would love to see you in that movie where it's like, it's like a Wedding Crashers type movie and I'd want you to be in the whole thing and I think you would because I think the direct, but you, like, you know, those opening, I think in Wedding Crashers even had it or where, or maybe it's old school.

• 17:18Speaker 03

  Yes, it's old school.

• 17:19Speaker 04

  Where somebody's giving a speech, right? Well, yeah. Anyway, you just would be great in that part. But, no, so he goes up and he goes, "Mike, same area, blah, blah, blah." And he goes, "It's Michael."

• 17:32Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 17:32Speaker 04

  And then walked away. Now, look, I don't like to share these stories.

• 17:36Speaker 03

  You know what? Bleep that out. Michael Phelps is a friend of the program.

• 17:39Speaker 04

  Is he?

• 17:40Speaker 03

  He's from Baltimore.

• 17:41Speaker 04

  Yeah. Well, that's, I was gonna follow that up with, I never, I'm too savvy and privy to the world of the biz and life to not judge anything off of one experience.

• 17:52Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 17:53Speaker 04

  So, so Norm came back and was bummed. But we can also take that out.

• 17:56Speaker 03

  No, no, I'm kidding. I'm kidding, we're not taking it out.

• 17:57Speaker 04

  Oh, okay, cool. You Phelps? No.

• 17:59Speaker 03

  Hey, hey, hey, take that out.

• 18:04Speaker 04

  Is he really a friend of the program?

• 18:06Speaker 03

  I, I mean, we're, he's a Baltimore, you know, I, we're both Ravens guys.

• 18:11Speaker 04

  You know what it was too, is Norm was just so, it's one of those things where...

• 18:13Speaker 03

  Can I tell you something?

• 18:14Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 18:14Speaker 03

  I get it fully.

• 18:15Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 18:16Speaker 03

  As a, like, you know, like, to be, you're like, "All right, I'm at Shaq's party."

• 18:21Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 18:21Speaker 03

  No fucking drunk idiot from Baltimore is coming up to me.

• 18:25Speaker 04

  Totally.

• 18:25Speaker 03

  I mean, how much has that happened? He's just trying to fucking unwind.

• 18:29Speaker 04

  Totally, totally, yeah.

• 18:30Speaker 03

  You know? And he's like, "Dude, you wanna talk about, I used to get fucking, you ever go to Pasta Mistas in Towson?"

• 18:36Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 18:36Speaker 03

  He's like, "I don't, I am the most decorated Olympian of all time."

• 18:40Speaker 04

  I have gold medals, you think I'm eating marinara?

• 18:43Speaker 03

  I have experienced things you can't even dream of.

• 18:47Speaker 04

  When he got busted for pot, that made me so happy. Greg Giraldo, R.I.P., my favorite comic, had an amazing joke about it where he was like, "Michael Phelps, you know, got busted for marijuana and, and, you know, all, it's our kids are very valuable, listen, you can smoke a little weed and be the best swimmer of all time."

• 19:05Stavros Halkias?

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• 21:12Speaker 03

  And how was the rest of the, how was Shaq's, the rest of Shaq's carnival?

• 21:14Speaker 04

  Uh, it was chill. Shaq wasn't there, surprise. Spoiler alert.

• 21:18Speaker 03

  Didn't DJ?

• 21:19Speaker 04

  He might have at some point, but we were, I mean, it was one of those, it was a big campground type situation. Lot of booths, lot of, uh, you know, little bars and, um, carnival games and stuff. It was cool. It was cool to go. Be, I've been to one Super Bowl when my Seahawks played the Broncos in 2013 and routed them, uh, in New York when it was, we were heavily unfavored.

• 21:41Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 21:41Speaker 04

  Um, everybody was like Peyton, there's no way the fucking Papa John air is gonna lose.

• 21:45Speaker 03

  Yeah. I remember going to that game, like my friend, no, no, I remember like going to a Super Bowl party.

• 21:50Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 21:50Speaker 03

  And being like, here we go. Actually, Peter Moth's house, Eldis, a friend of the program, Peter Moth, a different guy from Baltimore that's not even close to winning gold medals, but whose house I used to get high in all the time.

• 22:05Speaker 03

  We were just fucking setting up shop. He has this huge projector and it's a fucking laugher. But that's a good one to go to as a Seahawks fan.

• 22:12Speaker 04

  Huge. It was, uh, an overwhelming sea of orange. And so we're like, uh, but I kept seeing Hawk fans in the streets in Times Square the whole weekend, everywhere. Doing a weekend of shows at Gotham. And then, uh, a friend of ours, uh, a friend of mine from college let, um, uh, her folks had a, a apartment in Manhattan. It was just like they had for family and friends and, uh, they got some cash. And so we stayed there. My buddy Brad Williams is a diehard Broncos fan. So we, we said at the beginning of the season, if our teams go, because they were both looking pretty good.

• 22:41Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 22:42Speaker 04

  Then we're gonna go. And lo and behold, and then two of my buddies from Seattle went. So I have this great picture of all three of us, because once it was, it was, I think, uh, seven, uh, 19 nothing, I think at, uh,

• 22:52Speaker 03

  Oh, it was crazy.

• 22:53Speaker 04

  At half, uh, or no, 15 nothing. That's right. And then, uh, Brad's like, all right, one score, we'll back in it. And then Percy Harvin runs it back. And I have this picture of Brad looking sad off into the distance like this and me going,

• 23:06Speaker 04

  with him in it. And I remember, and I showed it to him and he goes, you know, if you post that, it's seven years bad luck. You can't ever post that, uh, midgets look sad at Super Bowls.

• 23:15Speaker 04

  That's such a good, cuz he was, he was such a good sport because he was like, "This sucks." He's like, "But it's not even a game." So he's like, "It's not even fun now."

• 23:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's not, you can't even like-

• 23:24Speaker 04

  And we made it fun, but like, you know, you're losing, yeah, that's, I mean, fuck the way that-

• 23:28Speaker 03

  Winning, that must've felt great, though.

• 23:29Speaker 04

  I mean, unbelievable. So that first snap-

• 23:31Speaker 03

  You wanna see your, your team rout another team?

• 23:33Speaker 04

  I think so, yeah. I mean, yeah, all the people-

• 23:35Speaker 03

  You don't wanna close. You wanna be like, "Yeah, fuck you."

• 23:37Speaker 04

  But all the people that watched were like, "It was such a boring Super Bowl." I was like, "It was unbelievable. We just kept scoring." And that first snap that went over Peyton's head, it, the whole place went nuts. And that's when it was like, "Oh, there's a ton of Seattle people here. There's my fucking fourth grade teacher. There's my stepdad's best friend. There's the guy that gave, uh, that dated my mom for three months and gave me a saxophone with a wet reed that I think he found off the freeway because he was trying to buy my love and impress my mom and, and, uh, and, uh, and get me to go from clarinet to sax, which wasn't even his call cuz I never said I had an interest in the saxophone. He just pushed Kenny G on me.

• 24:09Speaker 03

  Oh, wow. He was there, huh?

• 24:11Speaker 04

  Yeah, Howard.

• 24:14Speaker 03

  Howard was there.

• 24:18Speaker 04

  I have a problem with saying full names of people from my past.

• 24:21Speaker 03

  We'll bleep it. Fuck him.

• 24:24Speaker 04

  Keep it.

• 24:24Speaker 03

  Keep it. Did it work out with Howard and your mom?

• 24:27Speaker 04

  No, she's now with George. Shout out.

• 24:29Speaker 03

  She's now with George?

• 24:30Speaker 04

  George is, uh, dad, is second dad. I don't even say stepdad. I introduce him as dad now.

• 24:34Speaker 03

  Wow. How does your biological father feel about that?

• 24:38Speaker 04

  He'll come out of this guy's balls.

• 24:41Speaker 04

  To the bride and groom.

• 24:43Speaker 03

  This guy, I was in his jizz. Like, that's not true, Adam.

• 24:48Speaker 04

  Imagine that your kid getting to that point to where like, you know, maybe if, if we have kids, he, like, your son wants to be a comedian and like, that's his style of humor. And you're out and about and you're like, "I do like that he's like, always throwing darts. He's always putting up shots, but he's just bad at reading the room."

• 25:03Speaker 03

  I would not like a son like that.

• 25:04Speaker 04

  Me neither.

• 25:05Speaker 03

  That would actually be my biggest-

• 25:07Speaker 04

  Fear.

• 25:08Speaker 03

  My biggest, yeah.

• 25:09Speaker 04

  Well, getting stabbed in the middle of the night's pretty, that's big, too.

• 25:12Speaker 03

  I would rather have wildly mentally ill son than like, an open mic'er that can't turn it off. That, to me, would hurt me. Like, if my son had to be hospitalized, I'd be like, "Well, fucking, we're gonna get you on the right meds, dude." "We're gonna figure it out." But if he's in the green room and he's doing his act to other comedians, pretending it's just something he thought of, I would rather, I would be like, "You are not my son. Get a real job, quit comedy, or you're not allowed to come to fucking Thanksgiving."

• 25:39Speaker 04

  We'll be right back.

• 25:42Speaker 04

  You're not allowed to come to Thanksgiving is, that is also like, man. And he's like, but I live with you. Well, not on that day.

• 25:50Speaker 03

  Legitimately, no, you don't.

• 25:52Speaker 04

  Legitimately, you don't.

• 25:53Speaker 03

  That is funny. What, what kind of child, I, and I, you know, I'm obviously joking, you come to Thanksgiving, whatever. But that is literally the biggest nightmare scenario. Like, we all have our own, like, the way an old school immigrant dad doesn't want like a, a gay artist.

• 26:07Speaker 04

  Right.

• 26:08Speaker 03

  You know what I mean? Like.

• 26:09Speaker 04

  Like a, like a sandwich artist or like a?

• 26:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, I would say any kind. Yeah.

• 26:14Speaker 04

  You can be gay, but not working Subway. Who is that? Anyway, you get the point. I tried to, I, I thought this, then I thought that. And I just met in the middle for neither one.

• 26:25Speaker 03

  Nothing wrong with that, dude. It's okay.

• 26:27Speaker 04

  But yeah, they don't want a gay artist, but.

• 26:28Speaker 03

  Well, you know what I'm saying? Like, there's different versions of who, what would disappoint you the most?

• 26:33Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 26:33Speaker 03

  Like the classic internet thing of gay son, thought daughter.

• 26:36Speaker 04

  Right.

• 26:37Speaker 03

  Neither one of those would bother me. I would love a gay son.

• 26:39Speaker 04

  Fuck yeah.

• 26:40Speaker 03

  My daughter's throwing it around. Good for her. I don't fucking care as long as she's being treated well.

• 26:45Speaker 04

  With thought daughter, what do you mean by that?

• 26:47Speaker 03

  Thought, as in like, uh, oh, a slut.

• 26:50Speaker 04

  Oh, right. Gotcha.

• 26:50Speaker 03

  You know what I mean?

• 26:51Speaker 04

  That's, I, I have heard that term, but I guess I know the def.

• 26:54Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 26:54Speaker 04

  It means slutty daughter. Thought?

• 26:56Speaker 03

  Thought, yes, means kind of like.

• 26:58Speaker 04

  I was thinking it meant like thick and stout, like maybe like a butch.

• 27:01Speaker 03

  It's very bizarre because the actual etymology is that hoe over there, it's an acronym that just became its own word. Very interesting linguistic phenomenon.

• 27:11Speaker 04

  Let me.

• 27:13Speaker 03

  But anyway, having said that, that wouldn't bother, neither one of those would bother me.

• 27:18Speaker 04

  Okay, cool.

• 27:19Speaker 03

  In fact, my, I would love a gay child in our family. I would love, if you had a gay son, eldest, uh, would love if, you know, someone like a fun little gay guy.

• 27:27Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 27:28Speaker 03

  Awesome.

• 27:28Speaker 04

  Dancing, singing, doing magic, um, you know, always, uh, you know, just keeping you up to date on like the latest tea and goss.

• 27:37Speaker 03

  But the second he starts doing open mics?

• 27:42Speaker 04

  Gay or straight, you're out.

• 27:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 27:45Speaker 03

  But again.

• 27:46Speaker 04

  I don't see color, but I do hear bad punchlines.

• 27:47Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. And just not being able to turn it off. That's the worst guy of all time.

• 27:52Speaker 04

  We all know those guys. They're still those guys. That's what, I mean, man. What was that recently? Florida, a kid, I like do a guest spot that just hit me up online and, and.

• 28:04Speaker 03

  You're the greatest guy of all time, dude.

• 28:06Speaker 04

  I do that all the time, dude. I do it, I do it too much.

• 28:09Speaker 03

  You have to stop doing that.

• 28:10Speaker 04

  I know. I know.

• 28:13Speaker 03

  This is because this is not an intervention for you, dude. This, the pod, we're not even doing a podcast. I've heard you did this and I wanted to bring it up slowly. And now it's like, all right, Adam.

• 28:22Speaker 04

  Yeah, I mean, I'm open to change.

• 28:24Speaker 03

  No more opening your DM requests and being like, I'm a huge fan. I've been doing comedy three and a half months.

• 28:32Speaker 04

  Sometimes three and a half minutes.

• 28:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:33Speaker 04

  And I'm like, you're ready. Come to the DC Improv tonight. You're hosting and featuring.

• 28:41Speaker 03

  Great club.

• 28:42Speaker 04

  Great club. I did a weekend there once and we closed it out. You know, obviously, staff is great. Legendary club. Good hang after if you, if you're into that. Sometimes just staying in the green room and hotboxing that for three, four hours.

• 28:56Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 28:57Speaker 04

  One night.

• 28:57Speaker 03

  Shout out to Antoine.

• 28:58Speaker 04

  Shout out to Antoine, man. We sat in the main showroom though and put on Mitch Hedberg's album they'd recorded there.

• 29:04Speaker 03

  That's awesome.

• 29:05Speaker 04

  And hotboxed the main room with cocktails. And it, it was awesome.

• 29:09Speaker 03

  That's awesome.

• 29:09Speaker 04

  And I, I had somehow brought it up because I was talking about when I first, I'd say a year before I started standing up in 07, in 06. I was driving from LA and went to school out here. So I'd drive to Laughlin, Nevada, where my dad was living, working at the VA clinic. And I went to Amoeba Music and bought just a bunch of comedy CDs to listen to. Cause I was like, I think I want to do this, but I just was, but I was just, I was into it as a fan. And then I don't know if it was like.

• 29:36Speaker 03

  I was in that same zone.

• 29:37Speaker 04

  Yeah. I don't know if I was doing it to study or whatever. I just was like, I want to just listen to a bunch. And that was kind of my, you know, intro into getting some enthusiasm for it. And I had, you know, a Seinfeld thing and then Ray Romano's Carnegie Hall one, Robin Williams. Uh, Gerardo, obviously, a Reagan one, a Gaffigan one, a David, a bunch of David Cross ones.

• 29:58Speaker 03

  Bigger and blacker.

• 29:59Speaker 04

  Yep, uh, yes, Cat Williams one, um, uh, and then, uh, who was I just talking about? Oh, Sinbad one, by the way, uh, who's unbelievable.

• 30:08Speaker 03

  Hedberg, you're talking about.

• 30:09Speaker 04

  Hedberg, and Hedberg was one, and it was that one from, uh, from DC, and so then, we brought it up, and he was like, "Let's put it on," and I was like, "I didn't even fucking think of that." It was just a cool comedy thing to go, like, you forget that, and also, you know, once you get to your headlines, your weekend, you have a little bit more, and not that it's like, "Well, I can't believe he got to decide what to put on the fucking CD player." "Hey, you guys wait till your headline."

• 30:32Speaker 03

  Wow, this guy did an hour of stand-up twice, and you know what he wanted to do? Throw on more stand-up with the waitstaff who was just trying to get home. Like, "Yeah, we can, yeah, we can throw it on, Adam, sure."

• 30:44Speaker 04

  You play your cards right, you too can piss off a whole bunch of people that works hard for you for not as much money.

• 30:50Speaker 03

  No, I'm sure they were having a great time.

• 30:52Speaker 04

  No, they were, I, I'm, I'm pretty good about.

• 30:55Speaker 03

  No, I'm, I'm fucking, you're the greatest guy of all time, they had a good time, relax, don't fucking.

• 31:00Speaker 04

  Shut the camera down.

• 31:00Speaker 03

  Don't have a fucking panic attack, man, pod's going good. I was fully kidding, I know, I literally know that waitstaff.

• 31:08Speaker 04

  Get him a briefcase, call Sam Sam tonight.

• 31:10Speaker 03

  They all had a great time.

• 31:12Speaker 04

  Oh, my God, dude.

• 31:14Speaker 03

  That's fucking, so, okay, you've, we've made a little, a couple illusions, so what is the family situation? Your dad's at the VA clinic.

• 31:22Speaker 04

  My dad was there, yeah, my folks, my dad was a doctor, he was a cardiovascular surgeon when I was young.

• 31:26Speaker 03

  Oh, wow.

• 31:26Speaker 04

  And then, uh, he and my mom split, and then he stopped doing that, he started with his new family, they moved to, uh, Quadlan off the, uh, South Pacific, and then they moved to Taos, New Mexico, then Shalane, Washington, then Arizona.

• 31:38Speaker 03

  Was he in the Army?

• 31:39Speaker 04

  Uh, now, with Polly Shore, yeah.

• 31:44Speaker 03

  Was he, was he like a fucking?

• 31:46Speaker 04

  No, he was a, uh, he was a, a doctor, uh, uh, for the, I mean, open-heart surgeon, right? So he was balling with that.

• 31:54Speaker 03

  So he could swing his dick around and go wherever he wanted, basically?

• 31:57Speaker 04

  Pretty much, yeah, and then, um.

• 31:58Speaker 03

  And which was away from you, it sounds like.

• 32:00Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 32:02Speaker 04

  But I never got taught how to do that. Because he was gone.

• 32:10Speaker 03

  Because I heard of the South Pacific and his new family, which is a wild phrase for a fucking divorce.

• 32:19Speaker 04

  Not if you were raised in Lake Forest Park, Washington.

• 32:21Speaker 03

  Is that the move? A lot of dads like, alright, Mulligan. I'm calling this one a Mulligan, gonna get a 10 years younger wife or maybe a slightly less fat son.

• 32:31Speaker 04

  Oh my god. Yeah, he upgraded for sure on that front.

• 32:36Speaker 03

  Because I have seen you wear a chubby boy, which I love.

• 32:39Speaker 04

  Oh man, I just, you know, that kid never goes away. But yeah, I was, what picture did you see? The one with me and Kendall Gill? Side line at the Sonics game? There's a picture, if you look it up. Adam Ray Kendall Gill. And my mom, she was like, Dad's gone, let's go to the Sonics game. I was like, great, swap. And we go down early to watch the pregame, the warmups. There it is, first one. I look like a lesbian.

• 33:04Speaker 03

  Oh my god, I haven't seen this one.

• 33:07Speaker 04

  I'm wearing a Venice Beach pullover.

• 33:09Speaker 03

  You look like Jimmy Kimmel's lesbian daughter.

• 33:12Speaker 04

  Yeah, that's Sharon Kimmel. Wait, scroll down to the hands. Scroll down to the hands.

• 33:23Speaker 03

  He's holding your index finger? What the fuck kind of grasp is that?

• 33:29Speaker 04

  Yo, people have photoshopped that with prom backgrounds for the last five years.

• 33:33Speaker 03

  What a good guy Kendall Gill is, huh?

• 33:35Speaker 04

  A buddy of mine got a cameo from me for my birthday last year and then sent him the picture and he's commented on it a few times.

• 33:41Speaker 03

  That's awesome.

• 33:43Speaker 04

  And he's like, just with, wow.

• 33:46Speaker 03

  Wow. And then it's like, take this down.

• 33:48Speaker 04

  Yeah, take this down, take this down, take this down. Somebody contacted us, we're gonna take this down. But yeah, so.

• 33:53Speaker 03

  Your lips are glistening too, that's interesting.

• 33:56Speaker 04

  Yeah, that's Burt's Beeswax, I don't know.

• 33:58Speaker 03

  The light is hitting them just right. You honestly look like you could have turned into a very handsome woman in this picture.

• 34:06Speaker 04

  Thank you.

• 34:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 34:07Speaker 04

  So the shirt, like, by the way, it's so like probably hot in that arena and I'm like, just more layers.

• 34:13Speaker 03

  Hide these titties.

• 34:14Speaker 04

  Hide these titties. By the way, that's the slogan when you are a young boy like that. Hide these titties.

• 34:20Speaker 03

  Who are you talking to, man? You're talking to two very fat children.

• 34:23Speaker 04

  Swam in the pool with my shirt on for, man, up until I met you and we swam in the pool. That was the first time I took it off.

• 34:32Speaker 03

  This year, it fully loaded?

• 34:34Speaker 04

  That was awesome.

• 34:35Speaker 03

  That was a good time.

• 34:35Speaker 04

  I can't believe that's where we met.

• 34:37Speaker 03

  That is crazy, yeah.

• 34:38Speaker 04

  Like, I feel like we're hanging right now, like we've been, you know, knowing each other for a while, but that's, you know, that's how this goes sometimes.

• 34:43Speaker 03

  It happens, yeah.

• 34:43Speaker 04

  But that was wild because it was, you know, those shows, there's always a hang after. Some are just, they're all cool. That one was just exceptional because it was like pool and like

• 34:54Speaker 03

  It was a fucking pool.

• 34:55Speaker 04

  The indoor-outdoor part of it and like just drinks and weed being brought to you and like, well, being in a pool late night after the show is just not a normal thing, right?

• 35:04Speaker 03

  Just us. In your head, you're like, dude, pool after a show, there's gonna be fucking bitches around? It was literally me and you, like talking.

• 35:12Speaker 04

  We had to yell for more people to come in because after a while, after a while, I was like, so anyway, that's where my dad left. That's how he was in a corner in the gym and it's always like, Burke, get in the pool.

• 35:21Speaker 03

  We truly were like on a date. It was like a really, it would have been a really cute, like two 16-year-olds on a date, like at a party, like, go off to the side and like make a connection.

• 35:31Speaker 04

  It's our two sons in the movie about you and I having two comedian sons.

• 35:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:36Speaker 04

  After we've talked about on a podcast that we never want that to happen. And the opening scene is them meeting at a party.

• 35:41Speaker 03

  Yep, that's cute, man. Write it up. Elders, you transcribing all this?

• 35:44Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 35:45Speaker 03

  Great.

• 35:46Speaker 05

  I got, I got chat GPT working on the script as we speak.

• 35:50Speaker 04

  I mean, you ain't lying, man. That's a real, it's not crazy. That's, someone's, people have got to already be doing that, right?

• 35:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, but it's

• 35:56Speaker 04

  But it's also, you can't

• 35:57Speaker 03

  It's gonna be bad.

• 35:58Speaker 04

  Yeah. My brother-in-law, Dorte, is a white rapper. You can look him up. I always go give him a little extra plug.

• 36:05Speaker 03

  Shout out to Dorte.

• 36:06Speaker 04

  Shout out to Dorte.

• 36:07Speaker 03

  Yeah, let's find his music.

• 36:09Speaker 04

  He'll pitch me movies sometimes. He's like, yo, it's Sandra Bullock, Denzel, they're on the moon.

• 36:14Speaker 03

  Is that him?

• 36:15Speaker 04

  There he is, baby.

• 36:16Speaker 03

  This fucking hot guy. He smashing your sis?

• 36:19Speaker 04

  Yeah, my sister's getting fucked by Dirtay.

• 36:21Speaker 03

  Dirtay's fucking, Dirtay's fucking putting his hat to the side and getting all up in those guts? You know the hat stays on when he fucks your sister, right?

• 36:30Speaker 04

  At first, we were definitely like, he was new, it was new sheriff in town, it was like uncle versus stepdad. And then, and now he's like, you know, we're the greatest and he's big, sports comedy, also the grind. I think I used to joke too, when we first met, I was like, "Yeah, he's in the Bloods and the Crips." And, and, and he, all his song titles, I would say, were like passive-aggressive, aggressive-passive, where they were like, there were, you know, two on the nose about what was happening behind closed doors. It was like, "Is this my life? Should I stick it out? #marriage."

• 37:02Speaker 04

  "Watch your back, Adam," you know, just all these songs that were just making me afraid to go see him live, you know? But he's, what's crazy is he's really good and he's almost got like a white DMX to him.

• 37:13Speaker 03

  Shut up, Dirtay.

• 37:15Speaker 04

  I brought him up on a-

• 37:15Speaker 03

  White DMX, interesting.

• 37:17Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 37:18Speaker 03

  Good for you, man. You're a loving brother-in-law.

• 37:21Speaker 04

  Yeah, but it's also, I remember when I first started doing jokes about him, he was like, he was like, "Yo, man, you got chill with some of this."

• 37:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:26Speaker 04

  And I was like, "I have been given a fucking-"

• 37:29Speaker 03

  Come on, Dirtay.

• 37:30Speaker 04

  Like, how many comedians have a white rapper brother-in-law that's not Eminem? I have to talk about you.

• 37:36Speaker 03

  That's awesome. So, how many siblings do you have?

• 37:39Speaker 04

  So I grew up with just my sis and then when folks split, they had two more with, she already had one, so three half-brothers, and then my stepdad has a daughter and son. But they're all, I don't even, again, it's like, saying half at this point, you're like, I'm close with all of them, so just, but, so I guess six.

• 37:59Speaker 03

  Obviously, you love your sister more, but yeah, the other way. Obviously, look, one, there's a guy who's gonna shoot everybody, you go like dive in front of one person.

• 38:07Speaker 04

  It's the dumb and dumber. "Okay, kill him." "She touched my leg."

• 38:14Speaker 04

  We played in this now. That might be, there's so many quotable lines in that movie, but that one is like, just the fucking how quickly Jim Carrey is.

• 38:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, kill him.

• 38:25Speaker 04

  Kill him, dude.

• 38:25Speaker 03

  I mean, they, they turn on each other. It's so, I mean, that movie's the best.

• 38:28Speaker 04

  It's my favorite movie of all time.

• 38:29Speaker 03

  That's a great, that's a very good choice.

• 38:31Speaker 04

  I love you. I went around saying that for a bit and then people were like, drama or comedy? And then I, and the first time that follow-up was still on my way, I go, yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna pick one.

• 38:41Speaker 03

  Good for you.

• 38:42Speaker 04

  I was tired of being in conversations at parties where people were like, what's your favorite movie? And I was like, yeah, have you seen As Good As It Gets with Greg Kinnear?

• 38:52Speaker 03

  As Good As It Gets?

• 38:53Speaker 04

  She's also a bomb. But it's not my favorite.

• 38:56Speaker 03

  That's the one that you're like, alright, I need to be taken seriously. I can't be dumb and dumber.

• 39:02Speaker 04

  What is a Greg Kinnear classic? Siri, what's a Greg Kinnear classic?

• 39:06Speaker 03

  Yeah. Where does Greg Kinnear play a caricature of a homosexual? What movie is that?

• 39:13Speaker 04

  That's right. Cuba Gooding, yeah, and Jack, oh, that's right, Jack Nicholson's like, we don't sell gay here.

• 39:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 39:20Speaker 04

  Remember?

• 39:21Speaker 03

  He drops a couple of hard Fs.

• 39:23Speaker 04

  Oh, he does?

• 39:23Speaker 03

  He does.

• 39:24Speaker 04

  Take your little gay dog and back to the PF Chang's where he sucks your dick. I'm gonna fuck Helen Hunt in the back of a Porsche. Or at least I'm gonna die trying. Hey, where's your black art friend? Is he still black? I haven't seen the movie, but.

• 39:43Speaker 05

  I just rewatched it a couple of years ago. That's not far off from what it is.

• 39:47Speaker 03

  It's not subtle.

• 39:48Speaker 04

  What a, and that was a, not Nancy Meyers.

• 39:50Speaker 03

  He won an Oscar for it, dude.

• 39:52Speaker 04

  Jack won the best actor. I think Helen.

• 39:54Speaker 05

  That was like the biggest movie of the year when it came out. When I rewatched it, I was like, am I crazy? Like, this is horrible.

• 40:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 40:01Speaker 04

  And I think, I wanna say, Kinnear won best supporting actor and I think Helen Hunt won best supporting actress.

• 40:06Speaker 03

  They swept it off that movie.

• 40:08Speaker 05

  They swept the award. It was huge.

• 40:10Speaker 03

  I remember it was a huge movie, but I didn't remember.

• 40:12Speaker 04

  Big for OCD people, too.

• 40:14Speaker 03

  Really? He was OCD or something?

• 40:15Speaker 04

  I don't know, I'm just making small talk, but yeah.

• 40:17Speaker 05

  That probably, that probably was part of it, too.

• 40:20Speaker 04

  He was OCD then.

• 40:21Speaker 03

  Oh, I don't remember. I didn't, I didn't remember that.

• 40:22Speaker 04

  Alright.

• 40:23Speaker 03

  Ah, fuck, I fucked up. I fucked it up. I'm supposed to be the host.

• 40:27Speaker 04

  I fucked up.

• 40:28Speaker 03

  And I've lost my position of authority on the program by not knowing it was about OCD. Oh, that's fucking hilarious. But you know, I think that's a great point because. No one, why can't, and you're right, I even am, I even am guilty of this and I've dedicated my life to comedy. But even I, when I think of my favorite movies, in my like, top four, I would, I haven't, I don't think about putting a co- I almost see them as separate, like, oh, these are good movies, like, you know what I mean, like Heat, uh, fucking, I don't fucking know, it's, I'm, it's late.

• 41:03Speaker 04

  Land Before Time?

• 41:04Speaker 03

  Good, yeah, Goodfellas, Land Before Time 6.

• 41:07Speaker 04

  Air Bud 9.

• 41:10Speaker 03

  But you're right, why don't I fucking, why don't I fucking give comedy its due diligence?

• 41:14Speaker 04

  Uh, cuz, cuz the industry doesn't.

• 41:16Speaker 03

  Dumb and Dumber's a great choice, man.

• 41:18Speaker 05

  I've al- I've always said Dumb and Dumber's my favorite too.

• 41:20Speaker 03

  Fucking relax.

• 41:21Speaker 05

  I ha- you gotta be kidding me, you know I have, I've been saying that my whole life.

• 41:25Speaker 03

  Your favorite movie or your favorite comedy?

• 41:27Speaker 05

  Favorite movie. I've just been watching it since like-

• 41:29Speaker 03

  Stop trying to impress Adam, dude.

• 41:31Speaker 05

  I have.

• 41:32Speaker 04

  You get it.

• 41:33Speaker 05

  Ask anyone who knows me. I'm not sucking Adam's cock here.

• 41:37Speaker 03

  You are, dude.

• 41:38Speaker 04

  Not with that attitude. You gotta believe in yourself.

• 41:41Speaker 03

  No, it's true, you actually, that is true, you-

• 41:44Speaker 05

  You know it is.

• 41:45Speaker 03

  I watched Dumb and Dumber at your house, you introduced me to it, I admit all of this, yes.

• 41:48Speaker 05

  I watched it from so young, every single year I like, rewatched it, like, you just notice a new joke that you've never-

• 41:54Speaker 03

  No, it's incredible, it's incredible.

• 41:56Speaker 05

  Like, I grew with that.

• 41:57Speaker 04

  Well, there's, I mean, you know, they've constantly been trying, they just got, what, comedy into the Grammy, uh, cate- uh, you know, shuffle, but, uh, yeah, there's no reason- Eddie Murphy for Nutty Professor should have won something for that.

• 42:10Speaker 03

  Love that.

• 42:11Speaker 04

  I know they won makeup for it, I believe.

• 42:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 42:13Speaker 04

  Um, but that's wild. I- it, it's one of the reasons that made me start wanting to fuck around and even with like, playing characters and stuff, because I was so- Eddie Murphy was the first stand-up I saw.

• 42:24Speaker 03

  You saw the clumps, you're like, you, you're moved to tears, you're like, I know what I want to do for the rest of my life.

• 42:31Speaker 04

  First of all, stop looking like all of them.

• 42:38Speaker 03

  Well, just look up the year Nutty Professor came out and let's see who won the Oscars, and let's decide if he deserved it more than whoever won, or whoever was nominated. Not the original in 1963, you fucking dunce.

• 42:53Speaker 04

  Here we go.

• 42:54Speaker 03

  Because I remember this was huge, the Dave, when Dave Chappelle, I remember.

• 42:58Speaker 04

  Oh, Chappelle was ranking on Jada Pinkett.

• 43:01Speaker 03

  Yep. 1996.

• 43:04Speaker 04

  I would say that's Jerry Maguire year.

• 43:06Speaker 03

  Ooh, Braveheart is a banger. Let's look up.

• 43:10Speaker 04

  They swept too, huh?

• 43:11Speaker 03

  Let's look up who got best actor.

• 43:15Speaker 04

  It's probably Mel for Braveheart, right? Pacino for Son of a Woman? No.

• 43:18Speaker 03

  Oh, that's hilarious.

• 43:19Speaker 04

  Cage for leaving, in 96, was Cage for leaving Las Vegas?

• 43:22Speaker 03

  Oh damn, yeah, that's better than, that's not even close. Let's see who was nominated.

• 43:27Speaker 04

  Yeah, who's nominated?

• 43:27Speaker 03

  It's not looking good for you, man. Leaving Las Vegas was awesome.

• 43:31Speaker 04

  Oh, you mean, yeah, but Eddie Murphy played his mom and his grandma.

• 43:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, he farted at six different people.

• 43:40Speaker 03

  Didn't fucking Nick Cage do that?

• 43:42Speaker 04

  Oh my god.

• 43:46Speaker 03

  Why are you looking up Bloody Professor, who any Oscars? Is that what you?

• 43:53Speaker 04

  Yeah, because they did, they did win some.

• 43:54Speaker 03

  Oh, no.

• 43:55Speaker 04

  They won like makeup, right?

• 43:57Speaker 05

  I'm just checking.

• 43:58Speaker 03

  No, no, but see who was nominated for, uh, best actor in 1996?

• 44:04Speaker 04

  Nick Cage is just, uh, I hope he never stops showing up at everything.

• 44:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, I don't think he will.

• 44:10Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 44:11Speaker 03

  He loves acting, dude, and he seems to like be frivolous with his money. Who do we got?

• 44:18Speaker 05

  Anthony Hopkins for Nixon.

• 44:19Speaker 03

  Oh, and Nixon.

• 44:20Speaker 05

  Richard Dreyfuss for...

• 44:22Speaker 04

  Mr. Holland's Opus.

• 44:23Speaker 05

  Yeah. Massimo.

• 44:25Speaker 04

  You don't like Holland's Opus?

• 44:27Speaker 03

  It's alright. Wait, who the fuck is Massimo Tracy? Il Postino, the postman?

• 44:32Speaker 04

  No, there was always, there's always one movie like that, that everyone's like, what the fuck is this?

• 44:36Speaker 03

  And I don't know Dead Man Walking, Sean Penn. I don't, you know that movie?

• 44:39Speaker 04

  No.

• 44:40Speaker 03

  Anyway, who gives a fuck?

• 44:41Speaker 05

  That's crazy.

• 44:43Speaker 04

  Yeah, Sean Penn had a nice little run where he was like, after he won for I Am Sam and then he got, remember that?

• 44:50Speaker 03

  He won for I Am Sam?

• 44:51Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 44:52Speaker 03

  No, he didn't.

• 44:52Speaker 04

  Where he played the guy with Down Syndrome and Michelle Pfeiffer was like-

• 44:55Speaker 03

  He won for that?

• 44:56Speaker 04

  Michelle Pfeiffer was like, you know, if you weren't so fucking slow, I'd suck your dick.

• 45:00Speaker 03

  I'd suck that little fucking, and then he pulled out his fucking donkey.

• 45:03Speaker 04

  Yeah, and then she was like, I changed my mind.

• 45:05Speaker 03

  I changed my mind.

• 45:06Speaker 04

  And then credits.

• 45:07Speaker 03

  Yeah, I see where all these extra, the extra cells didn't go to your brain, they went to this fucking, this fucking hog. He won? That's fucking nuts.

• 45:17Speaker 04

  Oh, 2001.

• 45:18Speaker 03

  I won't even do the impression because it feels like-

• 45:21Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 45:22Speaker 03

  YouTube will be annoyed.

• 45:26Speaker 03

  That's fucking hilarious.

• 45:29Speaker 03

  Damn dude.

• 45:29Speaker 04

  How's your movie doing?

• 45:31Speaker 03

  It's doing alright, you know, it's been out since October, it's now February, it's going fine. It might be on Hulu by now, hopefully.

• 45:37Speaker 04

  Great.

• 45:37Speaker 03

  If not, take this part out, Elvis.

• 45:41Speaker 04

  Was the experience cool?

• 45:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, it was fucking-

• 45:43Speaker 04

  Not to get all Billy Bush on you, but-

• 45:44Speaker 03

  No, it was cool, it was cool. I, you know, I fucking liked it. I'd like to be in a movie.

• 45:49Speaker 04

  You will.

• 45:51Speaker 03

  So, you know, we gotta take questions first, but I just, so just walk me through a little more of fat little Adam. When did you stop being fat?

• 45:59Speaker 04

  So, my grandpa said, you know, you can't wear sweatpants at your bar mitzvah. That was fucked up. And that definitely, you could have just said, don't get seconds tonight.

• 46:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:12Speaker 04

  Or chew slower, I don't know.

• 46:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:15Speaker 04

  And so, then I just, you know, I was-

• 46:18Speaker 03

  So, bar mitzvah, we're talking 13?

• 46:20Speaker 04

  13, 95, and you know, I don't, I'm glad I went to, being the fat kid was how I became the funny kid because eventually I started, I didn't know I was fat until, you get, I was such a happy-go-lucky kid that- Unless people were making fun or saying things, that's a when you get signs from the outside world, that's when you're like, oh, maybe I do need to shave a few off. Until like my, you know, friend's dad would be like, hey, uh, when you're done sucking down that pop tart, you got time for a titty fuck? I'd be like, I actually don't, Dan. But you're letting me know I might have a problem, so circle gets a square, right? So, uh, so, but, uh, then I, then I had some good friends finally like throwing some, uh, some hail Marys on first down and I was like, fuck, man, this sucks.

• 47:05Speaker 04

  And then I was so active that I just stopped eating bullshit, stopped dipping fucking, uh, meatballs in Cool Whip and just eating pasta and salads for, I don't know, two months. I actually, I lost probably 40 pounds in two months.

• 47:19Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 47:19Speaker 04

  And it was sixth grade into seventh grade.

• 47:21Speaker 03

  Oh, wow.

• 47:21Speaker 04

  And when a fat kid loses any weight, it's probably like wildfire.

• 47:24Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 47:25Speaker 04

  I remember wildfire. I remember I was at the sixth grade party and, uh, my teacher, Mrs. Greenland, who was also a big gal, and her last name was Greenland, and she threw shade on me for being big.

• 47:34Speaker 03

  Wow. A fat teacher made fun of a fat child?

• 47:37Speaker 04

  Yeah. She, well, here's what she said. She goes, we're at the sixth grade party and, uh, there's snacks galore, right? Sixth grade, you're graduating sixth grade. They're like, dude, somebody goes, dude, in 20 years, you can put on Mitch Hedberg at the DC Improv.

• 47:49Speaker 04

  Everyone was just like, dude, like, life rules, we're gonna be seventh graders soon. And then every snack food, right? And we're all doing like potato sack races and fucking, you know, all the bullshit. And, uh, I remember I walk in and, and there's three moms in there and my teacher and, uh, the mom chaperones and I, uh, remember I just, hey, guys, Pam, this is Susan, Barb. And, uh, I'm just looking around, they're like watching me like, what's he gonna eat?

• 48:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 48:12Speaker 04

  He's probably gonna wrap that pizza around the Kit Kat. And I'm just like, you know, and I kind of pick up a celery stick and I hear them go, and I was like, and I was like, and then Miss Greenland goes, uh, I'll never forget this. What a wild thing to say, but Ray, there's pizza right there.

• 48:30Speaker 04

  I'm not even joking, dude. I wish I was joking. What a wild thing to say.

• 48:35Speaker 03

  Are you okay? Are you feeling okay? There's pizza right there.

• 48:38Speaker 04

  There's pizza right there.

• 48:39Speaker 03

  That's awesome.

• 48:39Speaker 04

  And I was just like, and I remember, I remember, uh, Uh, hearing that and being like, immediately embarrassed and immediately just being like, cause that was, I was like, is that okay to say to a kid? And then I was like, but I just scrambled it and I just go, oh yeah, I go, nah, I just, uh, you know, starting slow, starting with a carrot or my umbrella of pizza, like some fucking dumb joke to be like, you're making it weird for me right now.

• 49:03Speaker 03

  Did you want the celery? Would you just feel, did you just feel judged by the ladies looking at you? What was going on there? Why didn't you have the pizza?

• 49:11Speaker 04

  I wanted the pizza.

• 49:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, you wanted the pizza.

• 49:13Speaker 04

  I wanted pizza, but I couldn't wear sweatpants in my moment.

• 49:16Speaker 03

  Yeah, I see, I see.

• 49:17Speaker 04

  Um, and then, uh, yeah, but, uh, but I was, that's when I got to be the funny kid. Cause then like, and I think that's why I started chasing, uh, comedy. Cause I, you know, I wasn't trying to do it, but I like to impersonate friends and I prank call, uh, certain buddies from class with other buddies, cause I could mimic their voice as well. And I would recite, um, Ace Ventura was another one of my favorite movies.

• 49:40Speaker 03

  Banger.

• 49:40Speaker 04

  And I would memorize monologues from it and do them on the bus to my friends just to make them laugh. I just like, I don't know even why I thought to do that.

• 49:47Speaker 03

  No, dude, I did that with Night at the Roxbury. I had, I had, I had lines of dialogue.

• 49:53Speaker 04

  So many good lines from that.

• 49:53Speaker 03

  I did them as like, as if I was just, and that was my like, here's, I'm gonna get some pussy. And of course I didn't, it's got me no chance, uh, but I remember that.

• 50:04Speaker 04

  Yeah, how many Chris Katan monologues have gotten anybody laid?

• 50:09Speaker 04

  Maybe a few, maybe some Mr. Peepers, uh, lines or.

• 50:14Speaker 03

  If you really commit to the mango act outs, maybe.

• 50:16Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, you're.

• 50:19Speaker 04

  Yeah, so then they started, uh, so then people were looking at me as funny kid and not fat kid. So then I was like, oh, I just gotta keep doing this, cause A, I, I, it's just changing the narrative on how people are treating me and also it was just, you know, like, like we're doing now. It just feels fuck, it's just the best.

• 50:35Speaker 03

  And did that come with a, uh, a font of new confidence? Without being fat?

• 50:40Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, I mean.

• 50:42Speaker 03

  Did you get your little prick touched?

• 50:43Speaker 04

  More, say it again.

• 50:44Speaker 03

  Did you get your little prick touched?

• 50:46Speaker 04

  Finally, dude, yeah.

• 50:48Speaker 04

  Yeah, man. Uh, yeah, and, uh, and we've had a good run, man. We've had a good run.

• 50:55Speaker 03

  Cause I do think as a fat, as a man who stayed fat. Until his, until right now, and it probably will be for quite some time, unfortunately. I always thought like, damn, what if I just wasn't fat during high school? Would someone have sucked me off?

• 51:11Speaker 04

  Wow, if you were like the, and not even like the hot football guy, just like a, yeah, I know.

• 51:16Speaker 03

  Just a regular Joe.

• 51:17Speaker 04

  I definitely thought about that too, yeah. And I thought about that in fifth grade.

• 51:22Speaker 04

  No, but even, well, I mean, seventh grade, I mean, I was also, my confidence, maybe a little bit more, but not really until high school because I just was, I think, still with a fat kid mindset. So I was just like, I didn't know how to be cool. And also the cool kids, there was a kid named Jesse Mose, R.I.P. I can say his full name.

• 51:39Speaker 03

  Okay, he's dead, yeah.

• 51:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, fuck him.

• 51:44Speaker 04

  Bro, it's wild the amount of people from my past that are dead.

• 51:48Speaker 03

  Oh, interesting. Coincidence?

• 51:49Speaker 04

  But he, um.

• 51:52Speaker 03

  Who's the one, who's the one fucking link connecting them all?

• 51:55Speaker 04

  No, no, yeah, hilarious. Uh, there, uh, he would always wear a wife beater.

• 52:00Speaker 03

  Respect.

• 52:00Speaker 04

  And he would, uh, he was about six, three, six, four, and really sweet fucking guy. And he like, I think at one point in my childhood, we lived in a similar cul-de-sac, so I'd see him at the bus a lot. And he always had, I don't know if he had, um, a leg condition or something, but he always had a weird walk. Like, he just, there was a, it was, his shoulders were just up really high. He had like, it was big shoulders and like tiny waist, but he just, I think he always smoked cigarettes for as long as I knew him. He always had somewhat of a facial hair situation and the wife beater and like chain wallet and just a lot. And I remember hearing like Jesse Mose fucks.

• 52:36Speaker 04

  And first of all, his name is Jesse Mose, dude.

• 52:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's a fu, that's a pussy getter's name.

• 52:40Speaker 04

  Thank you. And so I remember always being like.

• 52:42Speaker 03

  That more got moseied the other night. He wear mo cra, moseazy on it.

• 52:49Speaker 04

  He would say that. And, uh, and so.

• 52:52Speaker 03

  I'm gonna eat that pussy Mosey style.

• 52:56Speaker 04

  Is what we would say pertain to be Jesse to the girls that he was hooking up with. In hopes they would just, uh, fuck us by sounding like him. And he, uh.

• 53:05Speaker 03

  His legs might not work, but that tongue does.

• 53:11Speaker 04

  I don't know what he had going on. But.

• 53:14Speaker 03

  And may he rest in peace. I said fuck him earlier.

• 53:16Speaker 04

  Oh, he's resting fine, dude. He was head of bangerang city in seventh grade.

• 53:21Speaker 03

  Respect, yeah.

• 53:21Speaker 04

  And so he, uh, yeah, he would do it. So it threw me off though, because I was like, oh, he's getting laid. But he walks like Gumby.

• 53:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:29Speaker 04

  And so I just was like, I don't know. Now I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Because I was like, oh, I, that's, but that was kind of for a little bit was my like, okay, be like that.

• 53:38Speaker 03

  Be like Mose.

• 53:39Speaker 04

  Be like Mose.

• 53:40Speaker 03

  And did it work for you or no?

• 53:42Speaker 04

  No, I don't think I, uh, I didn't have the body for the wife beater. I didn't have the, uh, the legs or the calves for the strut.

• 53:50Speaker 04

  And I didn't have, uh, I had some facial early on, but.

• 53:53Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 53:53Speaker 04

  But yeah, it was, uh, I'd say probably high school is when I, um, when I started doing plays. I remember I played Danny Zuko. I quit football to play Danny Zuko in Grease. And then I got to make out with a senior at a party and I was like.

• 54:04Speaker 03

  That's nice.

• 54:05Speaker 04

  Yeah. And it was, but again, had I had any confidence and any sort of like, you know, I would have, uh, I'm sure to this day she was like, like, why didn't you try to like even?

• 54:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:16Speaker 04

  Take my shirt off?

• 54:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. You could have been in finger pop city. That happened to me too, actually, once the, one of the first times I hooked up with a girl, I just didn't even consider touching her pussy because I was like, well, I'm not allowed.

• 54:29Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 54:30Speaker 03

  I'm not a guy who gets pussy. I have to just touch her tits. And then the next day she was like.

• 54:34Speaker 04

  Oh, my God. It's just.

• 54:35Speaker 03

  Like literally, I had the self-esteem. A girl was kissing me.

• 54:38Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 54:38Speaker 03

  And I was just like, I'm in high school and I'm like, wow, definitely could have fucking got my dick sucked.

• 54:44Speaker 04

  It is one of, yeah, it is one of those things.

• 54:45Speaker 03

  I just didn't believe in myself.

• 54:46Speaker 04

  Totally. But that's, but also.

• 54:48Speaker 03

  That's a, a through line in my whole life. And I remember like later on, even when I was fucked, I remember this one time, which is the, this girl that I was hooking up with in Baltimore was like my first year of actually getting to, and this is like happens when I'm 23, right? Like it took me that long to actually, you know, fuck anyone except like a long-term girlfriend.

• 55:06Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 55:06Speaker 03

  And I remember being like, a girl literally had my dick in her mouth and I was like, I wonder if she likes me. I literally had that thought. I was like, does she even like me? I'm like, you're getting fucking blown, dude.

• 55:16Speaker 04

  The guy at the strip club that gets the dancers first and last name? Dude, Candy Johnson is really cool.

• 55:25Speaker 04

  Yeah, I know. Well, I mean, I'm sure they appreciate, they being gals for any guy trying to make it happen, like, to be a little more trepidatious as far as like, not like, but then, I don't know, on the flip side, there's probably always girls that are like, why don't you fucking try to do something? I'm clearly in this room with you, but...

• 55:43Speaker 03

  No, no, totally. It was just a cowardice thing. It was like, and I was horny, I was just like, I didn't believe in myself more than I was horny, which was a crazy amount of being horny.

• 55:53Speaker 04

  What a wild thing.

• 55:54Speaker 03

  It took a while.

• 55:55Speaker 04

  It is wild, like...

• 55:57Speaker 03

  Low self-esteem in a very specific way.

• 56:01Speaker 07

  This podcast is supported by Nurtac ODT, Remedy Pant. We know you didn't ask for an interruption, but migraine doesn't wait for the right moment to interrupt either. It just barges in, takes your time, and throws everything off. So, when migraine takes your time, take Nurtac. It's for the acute treatment of migraine with or without aura in adults. Nurtac can provide pain relief in two hours, which can last up to two days. Ask your healthcare provider if Nurtac is right for you, because your time is for you, not migraine. Don't take if allergic to Nurtac ODT. Allergic reactions can occur even days after use. Get help right away for trouble breathing, rash, swelling of face, mouth, tongue, or throat. High blood pressure and Raynaud's syndrome can occur. Get help for

• 56:43Speaker 07

  high blood pressure, numbness, coolness, pain, or color changes in fingers and toes. Common side effect is nausea. For full prescribing information, call 1-833-4-NURTC or visit Nurtac.com. All right, back to your podcast, playlist, or whatever's keeping you going today.

• 57:00Speaker 01

  Your sausage McMuffin with egg didn't change, your receipt did. The sausage McMuffin with egg extra value meal includes a hash brown and a small coffee for just $5. Only at McDonald's for a limited time.

• 57:12Speaker 02

  Pricing participation may vary. Promotion pricing may be lower than meal pricing.

• 57:15Speaker 04

  My nieces are now 15, and I just took them to see Wicked when I was in town last weekend, and, and yeah, we sang out loud. No, we didn't. One person did, and somebody said, "Shut up," about four rows back, and it was awesome. Not very loud, but just like, "Shut up, shut up, shut up."

• 57:32Speaker 03

  That's fucking crazy. I mean, it's been in theaters for a while, and you just took them to see it. It is February after all, but I guess you don't love your nieces that much.

• 57:40Speaker 04

  It's still in theaters. And by theaters, I meant, all right, so I have this, like...

• 57:45Speaker 04

  Friend that's got a screening room. Name's Diddy and uh, he invited us over for a movie night, basically. It's a, every other week, we watch a movie. We watched Dumb and Dumber, first night. And we watched Getting Even With Dad with Chevy Chase and Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

• 58:04Speaker 03

  Oh, I have seen that one.

• 58:05Speaker 04

  And then we watched, I know he has.

• 58:06Speaker 03

  That's when he's like a boy scout or whatever?

• 58:08Speaker 04

  Yep, and then, and then we watched, uh, fuck, what's that Tim Allen movie where he's a dad?

• 58:13Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 58:14Speaker 04

  They go to summer camp?

• 58:15Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 58:17Speaker 04

  Look it up for me, Tim Allen's summer camp movie.

• 58:19Speaker 03

  But isn't that the one where the kid's like, sort of like a bootleg George of the jungle?

• 58:24Speaker 04

  Jungle to jungle.

• 58:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 58:26Speaker 04

  The kid lives in the jungle.

• 58:27Speaker 03

  See, jungle to jungle.

• 58:27Speaker 04

  Oh, man of the house was Jonathan Taylor Thomas and what was Getting Even With Dad? Did JTT, did JTT have a fucking Pauly Shore kid movie run?

• 58:36Speaker 03

  He might have.

• 58:36Speaker 04

  Getting Even With Dad?

• 58:37Speaker 03

  Oh, I didn't see this one. This is Ted Danson and Macaulay Culkin, I don't even know about this one.

• 58:42Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 58:43Speaker 03

  Man of the house, I remember.

• 58:45Speaker 04

  Man of the house, not to be confused with, um, Houseguest with Sinbad and Phil Hardman.

• 58:50Speaker 03

  Yep, that is true.

• 58:51Speaker 04

  Yeah, and Tim Allen, Jungle to Jungle was Tim Allen and the kid was like,

• 58:54Speaker 03

  I remember that.

• 58:55Speaker 04

  A white kid living in like Nigeria.

• 58:57Speaker 03

  It was basically George of the jung, what if George of the Jungle's dad was Tim Allen? And I remember there's a scene, there's a scene, there's a scene in that.

• 59:07Speaker 04

  Sorry, we'll buy it.

• 59:08Speaker 03

  Yeah, he definitely did that.

• 59:09Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 59:10Speaker 03

  There was a scene where he explains like the concept of obligation as something you don't want to do. That really stuck with me and he hurt his son's feelings by saying he had to do it because he's obligated or something like that.

• 59:23Speaker 04

  Oh, wow. So he broke down.

• 59:26Speaker 03

  I remember specific lines from Jungle to Jungle and I think it was like, maybe it was because, hmm.

• 59:32Speaker 04

  You can't host a podcast.

• 59:33Speaker 03

  This sounds familiar, this, uh, back and forth seems familiar with my relationship to my father. Except there's no reconciliation at the end in my life. This doesn't get neatly wrapped up 12 minutes after they have an argument. We just kind of live with this until, hopefully he dies, hopefully I don't die before him.

• 59:53Speaker 04

  By the way, were you just doing a constant rotation of trying to get girls to sleep with you by doing Chris Katan monologues and quotes from Jungle to Jungle? And you're like, what am I doing wrong?

• 1:00:04Speaker 03

  Netflix and chill, come over, we're gonna throw on Jungle to Jungle.

• 1:00:09Speaker 04

  What's that? You ever wonder what would George of the Jungle look like if Tim Allen was the dad? No? Cool, we're gonna start it.

• 1:00:16Speaker 03

  You're about to now, bitch.

• 1:00:17Speaker 04

  You're about to now.

• 1:00:18Speaker 03

  You're about to now, now zip?

• 1:00:20Speaker 04

  Wait, Martin Short? Wait, was Martin Short in it?

• 1:00:23Speaker 03

  I don't fucking know, dude.

• 1:00:26Speaker 03

  I guess he was. That's the kid, Sam Huffington?

• 1:00:30Speaker 04

  That's the kid, man, what's he doing now?

• 1:00:31Speaker 03

  Uh, who knows? Who knows, man? You know, and just like Tim Allen was a father figure to this child, it's up to us to be father figures to my listeners, Adam.

• 1:00:43Speaker 04

  I'm into it.

• 1:00:44Speaker 03

  And so it's time for us-

• 1:00:44Speaker 04

  My favorite part of the show.

• 1:00:45Speaker 03

  It's time for us to be dads here and really let these fucking- help these, our young children.

• 1:00:51Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 1:00:52Speaker 03

  Who do we have here, Aldous? Let's see.

• 1:00:55Speaker 03

  Hey, Stavi, I got a bit of a weird one here. So, my grandfather passed away in October of last year. He was my mom's dad, 93. After he passed, my mom gave me this, you know, big sob story about how my uncle, her brother, managed to get her inheritance through like, power of attorney or whatever. Now, this uncle was kind of like a second father to me growing up. He was very involved in my childhood, probably more than my actual father, if I'm being honest. Anyway, a couple of months later, I went through a pretty bad breakup and my uncle called me up to see if there was anything he could do to help me and I wasn't in a good place. I kind of snapped at him and basically laid my mom's accusations on him.

• 1:01:35Speaker 04

  Oh, shit.

• 1:01:36Speaker 03

  A few days later, he reached out to me again, showing me the legal paperwork, which proved that my mom was lying about the whole thing with the inheritance. So, I've since reconciled things with my uncle. I apologized to him. We're cool again. He's a great guy. But when I tried to confront my mom on this, she was basically like, "Oh, I don't know how you would get the idea that your uncle stole my inheritance, but I'm sorry if I did anything to make you think that." What? Now, I remember this conversation well. She explicitly said that. Not only to me, but she did this whole song and dance routine with my brother and my sister. Oh my god, you're corroborating witnesses? My siblings and I think that-

• 1:02:15Speaker 04

  Mary Kay Letourneau?

• 1:02:16Speaker 03

  This might be coming more from her husband, who's just, you know, a really strange bitch of a guy who none of us like. We think he might be trying to get some money or isolate her from the rest of the family. Like, I don't know. But the thing is, my mom and I have had a really good relationship.

• 1:02:31Speaker 05

  Relationship forever and now I just can't get past this thing. It's it's put like such a damper on our relationship. Anytime I try to talk to her, it's it's just awkward and I we just don't talk about it. So I I I don't know, what do I do here? Do I just let it go, try to move on, act like everything is normal? Do I try to confront her about it again? Am I a bad son like?

• 1:02:54Speaker 03

  No.

• 1:02:55Speaker 05

  What's your take here? Anyway, thanks, Doc. Bye.

• 1:02:58Speaker 03

  What are you fucking talking? You you my mom's trying to gaslight me. Am I being unreasonable? She's trying to gaslight me in a way that almost sabotaged my relationship with the best person in my family. It sounds like.

• 1:03:11Speaker 04

  This arsonist tried to burn down my childhood home with my pets inside. Should I send him Venmo money for gas? He's trying to leave town.

• 1:03:20Speaker 03

  I mean, dude, that's fucking nuts. And the fact that she would behave that way is is really crazy.

• 1:03:25Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:03:26Speaker 03

  And I I mean, I guess her new fa- her new husband is a different. That's that's a variable that's interesting. Because if this is the work of that guy, then you can't like. That's the thing that gives me pause because otherwise what I would say is. This is such a huge fundamental thing, such a crazy lie that I would personally have a really hard time. Moving past this, I would literally. This to me is worth sitting your mother down and being like, I remember you said this. You both my brother and sister remember this. It caused a problem with my, you know, with your brother, my uncle.

• 1:04:10Speaker 03

  It was unfair of you to do that. It almost caused a serious problem in our family. It's making I don't understand why you would do that. We have such a good relationship. This is so unlike you and even come at it from a point of like, I am worried about you that you is this is that uncharacteristic. Come at it from that perspective. And if she won't admit it, dude, that's the kind of thing where you're like, OK, well, listen, I know what happened. And when you're ready to talk about it, reach out to me. But until then, I don't think we can talk. And I know that's crazy. I know that sounds extreme, but like. This is crazy and extreme. And the only thing that would give me pause is if you think her fucking husband is being abusive and trying to cut her off from her family, you might be playing directly into his hands.

• 1:04:53Speaker 03

  But you still have to have the conversation and at least let it play out a little bit.

• 1:04:58Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:04:58Speaker 03

  You know what I mean? Like, I don't know. That's, that's, that's what it sounds like to me. I had a big problem in my family with like, there was a lot of like pretending shit was okay, or pretending things weren't problems. And what's really helped us all get, have a better relationship is like, I really had those tough conversations. I was like, I'm not pretending this shit anymore.

• 1:05:17Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:05:18Speaker 03

  Like, we can talk when you admit what has happened. And I will say, it was very difficult. And I even, I've been open about on the show, like, I had a tough relationship with my dad and we didn't speak for years. But we reconciled after we had a real conversations and we're better off for it now. We have an actual, and your mom, this sounds like a different thing, though. This sounds like one strange thing that I would try and get to the bottom of, but you can't be living in a fucking lie. You don't want those closest to you fucking gaslighting you. It's, she has to admit what's going on here, I think, personally.

• 1:05:54Speaker 04

  Yeah. And I missed maybe one detail. The, it was the, who was, um, uh, so new boyfriend is, uh, involved?

• 1:06:01Speaker 03

  We don't even know if it's new boyfriend or her husband.

• 1:06:03Speaker 05

  Her new husband.

• 1:06:04Speaker 03

  Her new husband. But we don't know how new the guy is.

• 1:06:07Speaker 05

  And he didn't really specify how that guy or if he's involved, but it sounds like he's just kind of a dickhead in general.

• 1:06:13Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:06:13Speaker 05

  Just some bad vibes, yeah.

• 1:06:16Speaker 04

  Bummer, man. Guy sounds like he's, uh, going through it and he's, you know, look, I think, um, there's a website called mom.com where you can basically submit for a new mom. So I don't want to say.

• 1:06:31Speaker 03

  Have you ever seen, uh, what was that movie called? Where they go shopping for moms?

• 1:06:36Speaker 04

  What?

• 1:06:36Speaker 03

  That's another like childhood classic. Do you know the one I'm talking about?

• 1:06:40Speaker 04

  Was this another movie you quoted to get fucking laid in middle school?

• 1:06:43Speaker 03

  But it is in the like, right in the like, right in that type of movie of the...

• 1:06:48Speaker 04

  Is it Mr. Mom with Hulk Hogan or?

• 1:06:50Speaker 03

  No, no, no.

• 1:06:50Speaker 04

  No, actually Belushi's in Mr. Mom.

• 1:06:51Speaker 03

  The Mommy Market.

• 1:06:52Speaker 04

  The Mommy Market.

• 1:06:53Speaker 03

  Try that one, unless that's a porno.

• 1:06:55Speaker 04

  It definitely is.

• 1:06:56Speaker 03

  I think it's The Mommy Market.

• 1:06:58Speaker 04

  Trading Mom.

• 1:06:59Speaker 03

  Or maybe it's Trading Mom, I don't fucking know, whatever. There's a movie where you could go buy a mom.

• 1:07:04Speaker 04

  Oh my god, dude, the 90s was a wild time, time for cinema.

• 1:07:08Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, but that was in the like, child, you know, the child cinema thing.

• 1:07:13Speaker 04

  That's the My Girl Girl.

• 1:07:14Speaker 03

  It is, it is the My Girl Girl. Um, okay, anyway, go to mom.com, get something for your mom.

• 1:07:23Speaker 04

  I think we helped you, man.

• 1:07:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:07:25Speaker 04

  Best of luck.

• 1:07:26Speaker 03

  Yeah, I mean, that's what I gotta say, bro, that's fucking weirdish, that's fucking crazy.

• 1:07:31Speaker 04

  That's a very cra- any, very articulately conveyed that story. It sounds like you got, you're, you're not gonna, I would maybe take mom to like a PF Chang, sit her down and go, what's going on?

• 1:07:44Speaker 03

  What's going on exactly? Like, don't even, I'm not even gonna entertain this lie, I know you're lying.

• 1:07:49Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:07:49Speaker 03

  So can you tell me what's happening here?

• 1:07:51Speaker 04

  And then you just hope that she's in a place where she wants to just drop her guard and, and open up shop, but if not, you know, mom.com.

• 1:08:00Speaker 03

  You could try and seduce her new husband, you could try and suck his cock.

• 1:08:02Speaker 04

  That's what I was gonna say.

• 1:08:03Speaker 03

  Get video of you sucking his cock and be like, is this the guy you want?

• 1:08:06Speaker 04

  And then she'll open up.

• 1:08:08Speaker 03

  Is this the guy you wanna throw it all away for, you dumb bitch?

• 1:08:11Speaker 04

  You dumb bitch. I'm not even gonna call you mom, just DB.

• 1:08:16Speaker 03

  So you have three really good options.

• 1:08:19Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:08:23Speaker 04

  What else we got?

• 1:08:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, whatever we got. Why are you doing dog, eldest, and guess? I have a weird situation in my house. I've been with my wife 10 years.

• 1:08:33Stavros Halkias?

  You know, we're living back and forth with them, living back and forth with her parents. And now we own the place and we allowed them to stay in our house until they retire. And this year they retire and he has other plans of coming back whenever he chooses. We just had another baby and we need that space. And my wife wants to wait. I don't want to piss her off, but at the same time, I need to get them the hell out at the same time. So I don't know which way you would have handled it to be the nicest way. It's one of those conversations you may must be had, but it's hard to have.

• 1:09:04Speaker 03

  Of course. So basically this guy's saying his, his in-laws have crashed with him for 10 years?

• 1:09:12Speaker 05

  Yeah, no, he's been with his wife for 10 years.

• 1:09:15Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 1:09:15Speaker 05

  Uh.

• 1:09:17Speaker 03

  Living back and forth with her parents?

• 1:09:19Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:09:20Speaker 03

  And now they own the place and they allow them to stay at their house until they retire. Now, this is interesting. Was it their house that you bought from them?

• 1:09:30Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:09:31Speaker 03

  Cause that, that blurs the lines a little bit here. He might feel entitled to it because it's like, well, we fucking gave you a steal on the thing. And maybe legally you own it now.

• 1:09:42Speaker 04

  But they're like, but we're the ones who hung up that piece of art.

• 1:09:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:09:45Speaker 04

  He's like, well, it's my art now, you twat.

• 1:09:48Speaker 03

  That's right. That's right. Check the fucking paperwork.

• 1:09:50Speaker 04

  That's my, uh, Montel Jordan hugging Magic Johnson laminated photo that I got from Spencer's Gifts.

• 1:09:58Speaker 04

  You might've framed it, but I.

• 1:09:59Speaker 03

  But I picked it out. I had the eye, I knew it would fit over the mantle. And you got a cheap fucking, by the way, if you don't think I know that's the cheapest fucking frame at Michael's, you're out of your mind, bitch.

• 1:10:14Speaker 03

  So, so basically now the fact that you just had another baby, you need the space. That's something where.

• 1:10:20Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:10:21Speaker 03

  And your wife wants to wait, dude, like.

• 1:10:26Speaker 03

  It's hard, because I think the way you do it is talk about the baby and be like, hey, man.

• 1:10:30Speaker 04

  I think so.

• 1:10:31Speaker 03

  We had this conversation, like, you know, this was the plan. Is there anything we can do to help you? Like, what was his plan when they retired?

• 1:10:38Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:10:41Speaker 03

  You don't want to sound angry, I don't think.

• 1:10:43Speaker 04

  No.

• 1:10:44Speaker 03

  You want to sound like, hey, you know, we really could use the space. Is there something we could, we're all family here. And it sounds like maybe they even did help you out, right? Like, I don't know the specifics, but maybe you do kind of owe them one. Them going back on their word is fucking annoying, don't get me wrong. But you also want to think of this in the grand scheme of your family. You might be legally, technically right, but that's not going to make your life easier. You know what I mean? What, are you going to fucking evict them? You're going to evict your fucking father-in-law? You're not going to do that, right? So they kind of have you by the balls in a weird way. It's annoying, but you have to tread a little lightly. And, um, I don't know. I guess I would get your wife a little more on board.

• 1:11:26Speaker 03

  Because if it's you versus your in-laws plus your wife, that's a tough battle. You need your wife aligned with you here. And you need to come up probably first with a plan with your wife. And then as a united front, go to your in-laws. Because otherwise he could just, and I hear it in his voice. He's pissed.

• 1:11:48Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:11:48Speaker 03

  He wants to fucking DJ Jazzy Jeff, throw him out, Fresh Prince style, right now. But you can't do that, bro. You have to kind of help them come up with a plan. And it's going to take longer than you like. That's just reality.

• 1:12:03Speaker 04

  Well, in reality, Stavros, is what we all struggle to recognize, but also realize. And I talk about that in my book, We've Got Issues. Scroll up for me again, so I can read the top.

• 1:12:17Speaker 03

  Are you okay?

• 1:12:18Speaker 04

  This is Dr. Phil, Stavros. Stick to the script, play along for a minute. Choosing to do a fun little comedy bit.

• 1:12:26Speaker 03

  He's having a stroke.

• 1:12:29Speaker 04

  My strokes are daytime talk show hosts.

• 1:12:32Speaker 03

  He can't stop.

• 1:12:33Speaker 04

  Some people stroke out and act like Ricky Lake. I act like Dr. Phil McGraw. Check out my Netflix special, Dr. Phil's Only, streaming on Netflix right now.

• 1:12:41Speaker 03

  Check it out, it's good.

• 1:12:43Speaker 04

  Now, look, if you're living with your folks, your, things aren't going according to plan. Let's start there. Now, you're waiting for them to retire from what, driving the bus? Working for Delta Airlines? Do they, do they make the, the applesauce at Panera? Either way, you're, you're living with a couple of deadbeats, okay? And I know they're your wife's, uh, parents. I know she lived in his jizz at some point, right? We all did, we all lived in jizz.

• 1:13:11Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:13:11Speaker 04

  Even the guy who wrote Jungle to Jungle came from jizz.

• 1:13:15Speaker 03

  Came from, yes.

• 1:13:16Speaker 04

  But what I think the, the main move and the main idea here is you got another baby coming, and that's too many. Uh, you can overstay your welcome. And it's time for the parents to recognize that it's baby's day out and it's daddy's day in. Does that make sense?

• 1:13:31Speaker 03

  That makes sense.

• 1:13:32Speaker 04

  So Rick Moranis, uh, shrunk his, uh, kids on accident. I think this guy would love to shrunk the in-laws on purpose. And, and, and put them inside of a, a used condom and leave them underneath the bed at a La Quinta in Rancho Cucamonga. We'll be right back. Best of luck to you.

• 1:13:50Speaker 03

  That's good luck. Shrinking them is not a bad actually option, Dr. Phil, that's true. Hit them with the shrink ray.

• 1:13:56Speaker 04

  Hit them with the shrink.

• 1:13:57Speaker 03

  Hit them with a shrink ray, they take up less space. You put them in a little Barbie doll house.

• 1:14:02Speaker 04

  Yes. And you put them in a Barbie doll house and they do as many cars as you want, as many toasters, 10 bedroom. I mean, like, you know, multiple bath, uh, get the pool going.

• 1:14:13Speaker 03

  The Matt Damon movie Shrinking, right? That's.

• 1:14:17Speaker 04

  Oh, no, I know what you're talking about. Uh.

• 1:14:19Speaker 03

  Oh, I just let one fly.

• 1:14:21Speaker 04

  Was that the soundtrack to Mr. Holland's Office?

• 1:14:25Speaker 04

  Did you hear that sounded like a French horn?

• 1:14:27Speaker 03

  Vietnamese food, this for lunch, and it's wrecked our guts.

• 1:14:31Speaker 04

  Somewhere, somewhere Richard Dreyfuss goes, is a young deaf boy learning how to play the oboe?

• 1:14:36Speaker 03

  Let's just say the fact that I could even do that without fearing anything slipping out of my ass, big sign of progress.

• 1:14:43Speaker 04

  I Heard It Through the Chair, which is the original title to I Heard It Through the Grapevine.

• 1:14:51Speaker 04

  But also, that sounded like it was-

• 1:14:54Speaker 03

  Downsizing.

• 1:14:55Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:14:58Speaker 03

  It's not shrinking.

• 1:14:59Speaker 04

  The Matt Damon movie.

• 1:15:00Speaker 03

  I believe it's called downsizing.

• 1:15:10Speaker 07

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• 1:15:54Speaker 07

  or color changes in fingers and toes. Common side effect is nausea. For full prescribing information, call 1-833-4-NURTC or visit Nurtac.com. All right, back to your podcast, playlist, or whatever's keeping you going today.

• 1:16:09Speaker 00

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• 1:16:21Speaker 02

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• 1:16:24Speaker 03

  Next question, Eldis.

• 1:16:29Speaker 05

  Hey, Soph, Eldis, whoever's there. Uh, how's it going? Yeah, um, so, interesting one for you guys. Uh, I've been married now since 2017. Uh, love my wife, she's fantastic, she's honestly- Way, way, way too good for me. Um, she's a Brazilian dime piece, PhD, um, I'm a cop. I do all right at it, but you know, there's really not much of comparison there. Um, and you know, early in our relationship, I probably pushed the limits and, and I'll be honestly all so straightforward before I go into the three. This is a thousand percent hypocritical, like, no offense, but I know I'm He's, uh, he's saying, he, he's, he's getting to it, but he's saying what he's about to say is hypocritical.

• 1:17:14Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 1:17:14Speaker 05

  Early on in his relationship and he's gonna go into it. Being a hypocrite. I just want maybe some advice on how to cope with this. So, um, yeah. So my wife and I have been dating, what is this, like eight years now, seven years almost, that's 2017. And, uh, at first I kinda took advantage of the fact that I, you know, I used to fart a lot. I used to eat a lot of protein. I had some stinky farts, um, sometimes just, you know, regular ones, whatever. And my wife, uh, you know, girlfriend at the time, and then into wifehood, she never really did that in front of me. She thought sometimes it was funny when I did it, but she was either too shy

• 1:17:53Speaker 05

  or it didn't, I don't know. She wasn't comfortable doing it. Uh, fast forward, uh, then it's all drastically changed. And now I, my farts have taken a tremendous step back in quality, quantity, everything. And with her big BBL, natural, uh, big Brazilian butt, she rips just the most unbelievable sounding farts. They never stink, but my God, do they sound just like a, uh, no offense, like one of you guys made them, like a big fat guy made them. Uh, that's what they sound like, just huge, long, loud.

• 1:18:37Speaker 05

  You could've just said a big fat guy. You don't have to say it was me or Elvis.

• 1:18:39Speaker 04

  Yeah. Also, what's with the no offense and then full offense?

• 1:18:42Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:18:44Speaker 04

  Hey man, I don't wanna kill you, but I'm gonna shoot you in the face.

• 1:18:46Speaker 05

  All right. Primo farts. And I hate it. It's, in a way, it's like demoralizing because I can't create anything like that. And on the other hand, I just find it gross, man. She, she's my beautiful wife. I love her ass, obviously. And the fact that it's just making those things.

• 1:19:10Speaker 05

  For only me to hear, no one else has ever heard them. Uh, maybe some of her friends, but.

• 1:19:15Speaker 03

  Our friends.

• 1:19:16Speaker 05

  Yeah, she and I'll wake up and sometimes the first thing I hear after my alarm goes off is just her ripping a huge one and I know it's payback, she won't stop, I can't, I can't get mad at her.

• 1:19:32Speaker 05

  But I just don't like it. Any advice from you guys would be greatly appreciated. Um, yeah, love the podcast. Love you guys. Stop, come back to Portland one of these days. The weird, the Oregon, the weird fucking place, I don't live there, I live south.

• 1:19:48Speaker 04

  Yeah, Portland is a high protein diet city. And also a lot of BBLs. Um, I like that he's like, look, I, he didn't even say I love her, he's like, I love her ass. So I don't want to break up with her. And the ass is where the problem comes from. It's the solution and the problem.

• 1:20:08Speaker 03

  It's a Greek tragedy.

• 1:20:09Speaker 04

  It's a Greek tragedy. Um, she, uh, I mean, look, let's, in the classic game of sound or smell, what would you prefer?

• 1:20:17Speaker 03

  You gotta pick, I mean, to me, and I don't know, I'd have to be faced with this, but like, this sounds like it could even be kind of funny. They don't smell. Now, of course, if she does it constantly, it might be like, like even if I get annoyed, it was like, it's like, all right, if we're, if we're on the road, we rip them like who gives a fuck, but we know like, and we're not prudes about it, obviously. No, that might have been shit.

• 1:20:44Speaker 04

  Damn.

• 1:20:47Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, not risking that one. Gotta hold that back.

• 1:20:51Speaker 04

  There's, uh, there's definitely also something to be said about, uh, him, uh, saying that, that the alarm clock will go off and that like he'll, you know, he'll snooze and then like she'll rip one and then like that's.

• 1:21:05Speaker 03

  That's what wakes her up, yeah.

• 1:21:07Speaker 04

  Like that, so I, it would have been great if he included, if he had, you know.

• 1:21:10Speaker 03

  A wave file.

• 1:21:11Speaker 04

  Yeah, captured something, but because then it begs the question, how? Is it, is it quality over quantity? Is it like, is she dropping four before 9 a.m.?

• 1:21:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, how much is she farting?

• 1:21:22Speaker 04

  Or is it like, when she does, it's Hiroshima?

• 1:21:25Speaker 03

  Right, right, right, right. Yeah, that's interesting. How off, he says, how much is she farting? And it's like, he says he can't get mad at her. She says she won't stop. Has he had a conversation? Has he been like, hey? I mean, look, at a certain point, you have to reap what you sow here. That's what you get. Like, look, I, when I'm with the boys, I let them fly.

• 1:21:45Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:21:46Speaker 03

  When I've been dating, now, look, it's not like I've never farted in front of someone I'm dating. But I do, as much as, call me old fashioned, maybe I'm a gentleman. I'll fart on my own podcast that hundreds of thousands of people will listen to and see. But I wouldn't fart, I'd go to the balcony and rip one if I'm with my girl. You know what I'm saying?

• 1:22:06Speaker 04

  Keep intimacy alive as long as you can. He started this, though.

• 1:22:09Speaker 03

  You did start, that's what I'm saying.

• 1:22:10Speaker 04

  You and your chicken, you know, chickadee china, the Chinese chicken wraps.

• 1:22:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:22:16Speaker 04

  You know, and she, and you're, you started to kind of be like, hey, sorry, I have to feed my body. And if my body responds this way, I'm on a high protein diet.

• 1:22:25Speaker 03

  I have to hit my macros.

• 1:22:26Speaker 04

  Keto is not for everyone. And I get that, babe. And you and your BBL and your silent but deadly farts can just chill.

• 1:22:35Speaker 03

  So I don't know, dude. I mean, you can have a convo. Here's the thing, you started it, you're in the wrong.

• 1:22:40Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:22:41Speaker 03

  The only thing I can think of is you just have to, this has to be a open negotiation where you have no standing here.

• 1:22:48Speaker 04

  No.

• 1:22:48Speaker 03

  And you're gonna have to use some relationship capital to be like, is there something I could do?

• 1:22:53Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:22:54Speaker 03

  Can I help out? Like, all I ask, take down the farts a little bit.

• 1:22:58Speaker 04

  What is she eating?

• 1:22:59Speaker 03

  That's another great question. What is she eating? Is it good for her?

• 1:23:02Speaker 04

  Because, you know, everybody farts.

• 1:23:05Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 1:23:05Speaker 04

  But, but this, but, you know, there shouldn't be...

• 1:23:10Speaker 04

  Yeah, I don't know. Also, I don't know.

• 1:23:12Speaker 03

  How many a day?

• 1:23:13Speaker 04

  Wear a scream mask to sleep? I don't know, you know? If you just wanna completely cover up. But how many a day I would like to know? And what is she eating? And I think you could really get to the root of what's going on.

• 1:23:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, let's figure this out. I'm a little worried about her diet. Has she been eating a lot of protein? Do you wanna make it a fight fire with fire thing? And I wouldn't suggest that. I wouldn't suggest getting more into, back into farting.

• 1:23:35Speaker 04

  Yeah, how do we know this guy isn't like, didn't push his like, eating habits on her? And he was like, you need to fucking figure it out because you don't work out, or you whatever. And he was like, you need to start eating fucking avocado and peanut butter jelly sandwiches, cuz they're high in protein. And she was like, I don't like, I'm actually allergic to peanut butter. He's like, well, then fucking, I'm outta here.

• 1:23:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:23:56Speaker 04

  Okay, okay, I'll do it. And then she, now her asshole is just not adjusting. And so, and then he's putting it on her. Like, there's, part of me feels that's happening. Where he pushed his lifestyle on her because she-

• 1:24:08Speaker 03

  You brought her into this.

• 1:24:09Speaker 04

  You brought her in, and now he's like, and now her butt can't even fucking handle the fucking improv stuff. But she's, but she's, you know? But you get what I'm saying?

• 1:24:18Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:24:19Speaker 04

  He's-

• 1:24:19Speaker 03

  We got him, man, don't worry about it.

• 1:24:20Speaker 04

  He's trying to-

• 1:24:21Speaker 03

  Fuck this guy.

• 1:24:22Speaker 04

  Act like he had nothing to do with it.

• 1:24:24Speaker 03

  Yes, I, I, I fear this is, you are, this is just something you caused, and now you're dealing with it.

• 1:24:31Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:24:32Speaker 03

  And now, if you wanna walk it back, you're gonna have to make other sacrifices within the relationship. Maybe she loves farting. Maybe she thinks you think it's funny cuz you farted so much. Maybe she doesn't know you're finding it a little off-putting.

• 1:24:44Speaker 04

  Yep.

• 1:24:44Speaker 03

  She might think you love it. That's the other thing, have we-

• 1:24:46Speaker 04

  Maybe you do love it.

• 1:24:47Speaker 03

  Have we tried communicating here? Have you tried having a convo? I don't think he has. I think he's feeling alphaed on some, that's another thing. He's feeling alphaed cuz her farts are fucking more powerful.

• 1:24:57Speaker 04

  Wow.

• 1:24:58Speaker 03

  And-

• 1:24:59Speaker 04

  Called out.

• 1:25:00Speaker 03

  I believe-

• 1:25:00Speaker 04

  Shots fired.

• 1:25:01Speaker 03

  I really believe it. And so, try having a convo, and if not, be like, alright, look, I really don't like this. I'm sorry, I'm a hip- Even say that to your wife, it's like, look, I know, I'm hypocritical, I get it, but I just find it a little off-putting. Maybe from now on, we'll both kinda take down how often we fart. Look, if you're-

• 1:25:19Speaker 05

  We, we is clutch, yeah.

• 1:25:21Speaker 03

  We is super clutch. You might need to start farting more again, matching her and be like, you know what, I think this has gotten out of hand. We need to pull it back. That, that's actually not bad.

• 1:25:32Speaker 04

  That's a great idea.

• 1:25:33Speaker 03

  It's actually not bad, alright, I figured it out at the end.

• 1:25:36Speaker 04

  By the way, whoever smelled it dealt it. Never forget that.

• 1:25:39Speaker 03

  That's true. That's a great point, even if it's two people.

• 1:25:42Speaker 04

  And whoever heard it, you know.

• 1:25:45Speaker 03

  Heard it.

• 1:25:45Speaker 04

  Yep.

• 1:25:46Speaker 03

  Whoever heard it actually shit. They didn't even fart.

• 1:25:52Speaker 03

  All right, there's still a couple more here. This, you know, this is Stavi's World LA After Dark also. This might be the latest one. On East Coast time, it's midnight right now. Um, let's see what we got here, LD.

• 1:26:06Speaker 05

  Hi, Stavi. My name is Linda and...

• 1:26:11Speaker 03

  Hi Linda.

• 1:26:12Speaker 05

  My sister and I are having a debate because I started dating a man and, um, I'm 21. And the man I have started dating is 34. So my sister thinks that he's way too old for me and that I'm a ten. And I feel like I really like him. I think he's very nice. He treats me very nicely. He takes me out on nice dates. Um, and like, he has like a good job and he doesn't want to have kids for like 10 years.

• 1:26:57Speaker 05

  Still, even though he's already 34. And I don't want to have kids, so I'm like in my 30s. So... And I also feel like we align politically, we align in like our beliefs about spirituality and our general outlook on life. And I feel like if all of those things align...

• 1:27:15Speaker 04

  She's like, oh, go to the MAGA rallies, but I don't want to wear the hat.

• 1:27:21Speaker 03

  Talking, being a 34 year old talking about spirituality with a 21 year old.

• 1:27:25Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, he is not pumped.

• 1:27:27Speaker 03

  Hysterical, dude. Or he's, yeah, whatever. He's just such a funny guy to be like, tell me about...

• 1:27:33Speaker 04

  He's like, so do you...

• 1:27:34Speaker 03

  Do you feel the spirit within you?

• 1:27:37Speaker 04

  Let me ask you something. Um, do you think we created wind?

• 1:27:43Speaker 04

  And if not, why do we get to enjoy it without understanding whence it came? But I think the heart and the mind are more powerful than we realize. And I think actually the heart is the most powerful tool because if you watch Captain Planet, he was the element that got the least amount of attention.

• 1:28:03Speaker 03

  She's like, what's Captain Planet?

• 1:28:05Speaker 04

  What do you guys mean? I'm out of here. How are you again? Oh yeah, you probably want to watch the Wiggles or Hannah Montana. Eat my ass.

• 1:28:14Speaker 03

  Let's finish our friend's call here. What else do you have to say on this? All of those things align. It's nice. Age doesn't matter that much. And my sister thinks hard line cannot happen. There's no way

• 1:28:30Speaker 03

  a 21 year old and a 34 year old should be together. And so, and I really trust my sister's opinion, so. Um, I'm hoping you guys can mediate between us. Like,

• 1:28:44Speaker 03

  do you think

• 1:28:46Speaker 03

  he's too much older than me? 100% all the time? Or do you think there are situations where, um, it could make sense?

• 1:28:57Speaker 03

  Uh, okay. Thank you so much. Bye bye. Yeah, this is interesting. I mean, I definitely see where your sister's coming from. Yeah. You're, it's not even the, okay, 13 years is the difference, right? Yes. And that's sizable, but it's not crazy. To me, the bigger thing is 21. If you were even 23, 24, like 21 is like you're just out of college. It's like you do have a little bit of. You're still in college. Yeah, you're probably still in college, right? Like you still have a little bit of like becoming an adult that maybe you should do and not a serious, you know, relationship type of thing.

• 1:29:40Speaker 03

  Um, now, at the same time, if this guy treats you really well, like, look, I would say if there was a hint of any problems whatsoever, you definitely should get out of it. I suppose there's situations, but, you know, at a certain point, you just have to be like,

• 1:29:58Speaker 03

  I don't know, is it a little?

• 1:30:01Speaker 03

  I see where your sister's coming from, I guess. And it is the like, you're just kind of relatively young.

• 1:30:09Speaker 05

  There is, there is something funny about telling a 21 year old girl you're dating like, "Yeah, I don't think I want to have kids until I'm 45."

• 1:30:15Speaker 03

  It's weird, that's what I'm saying, it's like, and look, can it work? Sure, this guy, I mean, he's, speaking as an emotionally immature 35 year old that dates girls in their twenties, I know that this can work, you know what I mean? But it's like, the guy, I don't know, it's kind of what his deal is. Does he seriously want to date you? That's another thing. It seems like they've been kind of, they've been having very serious conversations. He seems to be open to it. "How did you meet?" is a good question. He was my TA. He was my professor.

• 1:30:43Speaker 04

  Well, that, yeah, that type of shit, I, I would like to know the meetup because I do know a few people that have this situation and it, you know, age is a number, but also like, if they're, sometimes the guy maybe is like, you said like, less mature and she's maybe more mature. There's, I, you know, I feel like even when I was 21, I knew people that I was like, "Fuck, you feel like you're 40."

• 1:31:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:31:06Speaker 04

  So there's always people that, everyone's a product of their environment and, and sometimes opposites can attract and sometimes opposites are opposites. You know what I'm saying? I remember in high school, I went to high school with a girl and then in college I ran into her and she was, she was like five, six and she was dating a guy that was like 6'6" and he was fucking roided out and he was definitely like fucking, just, he was like a bodybuilder type guy and every other sentence was like, and then fucking chicken parm, chicken parm, and then fucking, you got one, and your abs and his abs had pecs and his fucking tits had abs and he was just yoked and he had so much testosterone going through his body. The only thing that they fucking had in common is they both, you know, loved to eat protein, right?

• 1:31:46Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:31:47Speaker 04

  And so they, but they, but yeah, but they, so, but they, but they, but they like, when I saw them out and about after hearing about them, I was like, Yeah, I mean, like, if she's, you know, if they break up, it's gonna be because he threw the fridge at her head, but like, but they also, you know, but they also, when I saw them live, I was like, that's a wildly awesome couple.

• 1:32:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:32:10Speaker 04

  Like, they were really, and so, to each his own. I think that your sister, like you said, is right.

• 1:32:16Speaker 03

  I do think there's something also-

• 1:32:17Speaker 04

  Meet the guy. Definitely, oh, anyway, 34, and you can always do the, it could be worse. 44 would be wild. 13 is, for whatever reason, doesn't, again, she's on the younger side, but 34-

• 1:32:30Speaker 03

  To me, it's purely because she's just, like, honestly,

• 1:32:34Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:32:34Speaker 03

  At some point, it's like, is it, is it, is like, is it a little, is it a little strange? Sure, but at a certain point, you just gotta be like, whatever. Consent adults can do whatever the fuck they want. But I guess the thing, if I were your sister, what I'd be worried about is like, you think this guy, you don't have a lot of, like, experience, like, dating different, you know, whatever. You think you and this guy, you've talked, you've had these deep conversations, whatever, like, I hear this, and I'm like, is this guy just telling this girl what she wants to hear? Is this like a-

• 1:33:05Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:33:06Speaker 03

  You know what I mean? Does he have, what are his intentions?

• 1:33:08Speaker 04

  That's why you gotta suss him out. You gotta, sooner than later, have him meet, um, the fam-

• 1:33:15Speaker 03

  Oh, interesting, meet the fam.

• 1:33:17Speaker 04

  Maybe not the whole fam, maybe like, cool cousins, or like, you know, Matthew Mark or something, you know?

• 1:33:21Speaker 03

  But even like, what are your friends saying? Look, at the end of the day, you're, this is also an age where it's like, look, just try some shit out. If he treats you nicely, you already started dating him, it's like, are you just gonna break up with him because you're like, "Well, my sister told me I shouldn't do this." You're already in the relationship.

• 1:33:38Speaker 04

  I'd love to know also the sister's dating history and past and current situation.

• 1:33:42Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:33:43Speaker 04

  Is she just like, "It's not gonna work out."

• 1:33:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:33:47Speaker 04

  "I told you it's never gonna work out. I, trust me, when I was 20, I dated a 60-year-old." "It's when I started smoking, and now I'm 40, but..."

• 1:33:55Speaker 03

  But I, here's the thing, the one thing that gives me some alarm bells here, too, is like, this girl seems very enamored by this guy.

• 1:34:02Speaker 04

  Totally.

• 1:34:02Speaker 03

  And like, she's talking about kids? Like she's 21, you know what I mean? Like the fact they've had the conversation about kids to me is like either this guy is really, you know, serious, maybe he's a sweet guy, whatever, who knows? Or he's just kind of weirdly sick. Like is he, is she getting love bombed a little bit? Is she, is he like, I'm in it, baby. Like you're special. You're not like those other 21 year olds. You know what I mean? Like what's this guy's dating history? I'd be very interested to know about. Does he do this with 21 year olds?

• 1:34:32Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:34:32Speaker 03

  And but at the end of the day, you're in this relationship. As long as he's treating you nicely. Here's what'll happen. It'll either continue and you are against the odds. A couple that kind of it worked out. Or you'll break up with him and you'll learn something about yourself, one way or the other.

• 1:34:54Speaker 04

  Yep.

• 1:34:54Speaker 03

  This isn't like, should I start? Should I go out with a 34 year old? I'm 21. It's I'm already in a relationship. If it was, should I go out with him? I maybe it's a different answer, but you're already in the relationship. He's treating you well. The second there's any reason not to, maybe get out of it. But you know, look, you know, maybe look at the relationship with a more critical eye than just like, you know, not think because of what your sister's saying than just being like, oh, this is great.

• 1:35:22Speaker 04

  She's looking at the age gap and she needs to, the sister needs to see. From her sister's standpoint, how many wieners have you seen and been through already? Because maybe she's just like, fuck, I've been go, I've been going at a heart since I was 17, four years of whatever. And she's like, I would love a real relationship. And then maybe this guy on the same token is doing that. Or maybe he hasn't actually, maybe he actually, maybe he's been dating people where he's, and whether they're of that age or older, where he's just like, I fucking, I'm not connecting. And for whatever reason, they're connecting. But I would definitely want to see what he looks like and what, what his job looks like.

• 1:35:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:35:58Speaker 04

  Because there's probably some. You know, uh, stability, uh.

• 1:36:03Speaker 03

  Yeah, well, that's the other thing. It's like, what is she, what do you want out of this relationship?

• 1:36:07Speaker 04

  Maybe she's like, I wanna be a mom in 10 years, but I also wanna just like be a yoga instructor. And he's like, do it, I'll take care of you.

• 1:36:14Speaker 03

  Right, that's the other thing. It's like, look, do you just wanna have, like, you're talking about, I don't wanna have kids until I'm like 30. Who knows you'll be with this person? If you're having a good time right now.

• 1:36:22Speaker 04

  Yeah, live in the now.

• 1:36:24Speaker 03

  What, what else is gonna, you're gonna be, okay, it's either this guy, you're gonna be in a weird relationship with a 23-year-old that you, you know, that you're also gonna break up with. It's, like, I hate to break it to you, this probably ain't your husband, statistically, right?

• 1:36:36Speaker 04

  Statistically, yeah.

• 1:36:37Speaker 03

  Statistically speaking, it's like, you're, it's not a, but you're already in the relationship and just, just be more cognizant of things and like, you know, maybe take your sister's word in terms of like analyzing the relationship, but, you know, whatever, you're already in it now.

• 1:36:53Speaker 04

  You're in it.

• 1:36:54Speaker 03

  You're in it, baby. Um, all right, what do you think, Al? Does this have something fun to go out on here? Adam, thanks for fucking coming, dude.

• 1:37:02Speaker 04

  What a blast, dude.

• 1:37:03Speaker 03

  You're the man.

• 1:37:03Speaker 04

  Yeah, this was a real treat.

• 1:37:05Speaker 03

  And anything to plug, you know, it's February, what's coming up for you?

• 1:37:09Speaker 04

  Adam Ray is Dr. Phil Unleashed on Netflix.

• 1:37:12Speaker 03

  Yup.

• 1:37:12Speaker 04

  Uh, but we have a huge Dr. Phil Live theater tour that we've been pumping around the country.

• 1:37:16Speaker 03

  Love it, love it.

• 1:37:17Speaker 04

  Uh, these shows are selling out left and right. They're all available at adamraycomedy.com, as well as all my stand-up dates. Um, my special is called Like and Subscribe. You can get on my YouTube channel, youtube.com/AdamRayComedy, where you can also get all the Dr. Phil Live, uh, shows that happen on the road and at the Comedy Store. Uh, we, uh, just had one come out that, uh, was the holiday show with Jay Leno, uh, who was his first time back at the Comedy Store in 30 years.

• 1:37:40Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 1:37:41Speaker 04

  Wayne Brady, Jaleel White, Harry Mack, Rob Riggle, Brad Williams, and Tony Hawk. That's at youtube.com/AdamRayComedy. My podcast about last night, uh, and, uh, and that's it.

• 1:37:52Speaker 03

  Well, I love it. Go, go look at all that stuff, you fucking pieces of shit. This guy rocks, man.

• 1:37:58Speaker 04

  Oh, and the picture of me and Kendall Gill.

• 1:37:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, frame that up.

• 1:38:00Speaker 04

  In a few hoodies on adamraycomedy.com. It says, "Quick fat."

• 1:38:04Speaker 03

  I need that.

• 1:38:05Speaker 04

  I'll get you one.

• 1:38:06Speaker 03

  All right, Al, what do we got here?

• 1:38:10Speaker 05

  Um, I have a question. Um, um, okay. Basically, I don't know what's wrong with me or men. I'm a young woman, you know, I'm in college. I've dated lots of men, you know, in my life. And I feel like, I don't know if it's something that I'm doing, or if men are just, men don't know how to talk. But I feel like no guy I've ever dated has known how to carry a conversation.

• 1:38:37Speaker 04

  Pause this.

• 1:38:38Speaker 05

  And like, if I stop talking, they'll just be.

• 1:38:41Speaker 03

  And this is sort of why the 21 year old dates a 34 year old. That's another hard reality here, right?

• 1:38:47Speaker 04

  These are perfectly aligned.

• 1:38:48Speaker 03

  Cause I remember, by the way, I remember being 21 and blowing it with hot 21 year olds.

• 1:38:54Speaker 04

  Yeah, you were like, have you seen Jungle to Jungle?

• 1:38:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm like, oh yeah, I'm quoting Light of the Roxbury, it's not working.

• 1:39:01Speaker 04

  But also, we are not fully formed individuals yet, so we don't even know, we don't know enough about anything to know how, like, what we should even be. We don't know also that we should be asking them questions. So we're probably trying to bring up our own shit, like.

• 1:39:15Speaker 04

  So it's like a lot of like, how's the food?

• 1:39:17Speaker 03

  Oh, it's really good. I've never had mashed potatoes before.

• 1:39:20Speaker 04

  Yeah, you know.

• 1:39:21Speaker 03

  Nice.

• 1:39:21Speaker 04

  Nice.

• 1:39:22Speaker 03

  I like, I like butter on my mashed potatoes.

• 1:39:25Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, bro. Oh my God. Oh my God, this is exactly, and then, and then, and then five minutes of silence and then like, what'd you say? Oh, nothing. Oh, I thought you were, sounded like you burped, which is cool, by the way, I'm into that. You know what I'm not into? Queefs.

• 1:39:44Speaker 04

  She's like, cool, um.

• 1:39:47Speaker 03

  Oh, fuck.

• 1:39:48Speaker 04

  Yeah, I don't know.

• 1:39:49Speaker 03

  So, but this is awesome. This is like a perfect one to have right after the, cause like, I remember being, I mean, there is a reason with like, like, younger women do date older men, it's because like, yeah, when you're a 21 year old guy, you're kind of a fucking idiot.

• 1:40:04Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:40:04Speaker 03

  And it's like.

• 1:40:05Speaker 04

  Kind of, yes.

• 1:40:06Speaker 03

  You're a complete fucking dumbass and, so anyway, keep going here, it's just so funny to get these calls back to back.

• 1:40:11Speaker 04

  And the girls, there's more, yeah, there, there's more emotionally and I think. Just fully formed than we are at that age.

• 1:40:18Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:40:18Speaker 04

  Even though she sounds like she's not bringing a lot to the table either. But like, no offense, but like, um, to quote The Last Color, no offense, but full offense. She at least is like, probably trying, like, she's at least rambling, like, you know, in this, she's probably like, she'll probably do a little monologue, a little soliloquy at the Cheesecake Factory.

• 1:40:37Speaker 03

  She'll give you something.

• 1:40:38Speaker 04

  She'll give you something, and then he's giving nothing back.

• 1:40:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:40:40Speaker 04

  So she's probably like, wow, I know that I'm not fucking Jacques Cousteau, but wild reference, but like,

• 1:40:45Speaker 03

  Jacques Cousteau.

• 1:40:46Speaker 04

  But can I?

• 1:40:46Speaker 03

  I know I'm not the guy.

• 1:40:48Speaker 04

  I know I'm not Rick D'Amico.

• 1:40:49Speaker 03

  I know I don't know about, oh, deep Marianas trench ocean life. I know I'm not finding giant squids or whatever Jacques Cousteau was doing, but I'm something.

• 1:40:58Speaker 04

  But ask me about my hair.

• 1:41:01Speaker 03

  All right, let's give, let's, let's finish her off. Maybe she has something else going on here.

• 1:41:06Speaker 05

  I feel like no guy I've ever dated has known how to carry a conversation. And like, if I stop talking, there will just be so much silence.

• 1:41:15Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:41:15Speaker 05

  And like, I don't know if I have, I definitely am uncomfortable with silence, and that's something I am working on. But like, with my friendships with women, like, all my friendships, because I never have, I'm never friends with men.

• 1:41:28Speaker 05

  There's never rules in the conversation, you know, we bounce ideas off of each other, we talk about lots of stuff. And I feel like when I'm hanging out with guys, like, I don't know, I get along with them enough to date them, and you know, physically, we get along great. But I feel like, I have, I always, I end up becoming like, almost a court jester, or like, I feel like Nordwar sometimes, like, I'm asking so many weird questions trying to like, keep the conversation moving, like, the amount of questions I have to ask is crazy. And like, I don't know, I don't think they're bored of me because they keep coming around. I think like, I may, I don't know, like, I think maybe I'm a lesbian, that's maybe part of it, but like, I definitely like.

• 1:42:06Speaker 03

  Fuck, dude, these guys are so bad at conversation. This girl's like, oh, I'm just gonna fuck girls.

• 1:42:11Speaker 05

  Am I just comparing, like, looking for something that doesn't exist, like, the level of connection? With my female friendships, is that not realistic in a romantic relationship with a man? Like, I don't know, I just feel like.

• 1:42:22Speaker 04

  Imagine, pause real quick, imagine being, imagine all this and he's just sitting there going like this, ready? Yeah, yeah.

• 1:42:30Speaker 04

  No, I mean, yeah, I mean, maybe you are a lesbian, we should, I have a friend that actually would really like you if you, um. But no, it's tough, it's, uh, it's tough. I mean, she's definitely talking like this on the dates and got, and got, which is, by the way, I, again, pre, appreciate this and, and she's definitely right because guys at that age are not bringing a lot to the table. Well, they also. Especially there, they don't know how to handle that because they're also.

• 1:42:55Speaker 03

  It's a little overwhelming.

• 1:42:56Speaker 04

  It's overwhelming for them.

• 1:42:57Speaker 03

  Yeah, no, and her, her, her cadence, and maybe there's a little frustration too, but like, you can tell it's probably a fast talker. And it's my, you might be a kind of a hard person to keep up with, uh, there's blame on both sides, I guess is what we're saying, but I will say also this, I think probably they are a little intimidated, like again, when you're a 21 year old guy, you're like horny as hell, dumb as shit. Still don't really understand women, some of these guys might be legit, like, they're just trying to not make a mistake. So you'll fuck them, like, they're just trying, like, I'm on the date, if I just don't fuck up, I might get jerked off.

• 1:43:35Speaker 03

  And they're, they're just not, they're not playing to win the game, they're playing not to lose, you know, so, I don't know, did, did you, did you have more to talk about here, Eldis?

• 1:43:45Speaker 05

  I don't know if that's normal, I guess I'm just asking, like, um, how much silence do you feel is okay? How much are you not talking when you're, when you're dating a woman? Is there just, is there supposed to be a lot of silence? I don't know, I don't understand, that's all.

• 1:44:00Speaker 03

  She's awesome.

• 1:44:01Speaker 04

  Yeah, I'm a big fan.

• 1:44:03Speaker 03

  She is so funny.

• 1:44:04Speaker 04

  I know, I really, I'm really rooting for this girl and if I, uh, bad. Yeah, see, here's the thing, she goes, how much, I, the fact that she hates silence and then she. I don't think she took a breath in two minutes.

• 1:44:17Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:44:18Speaker 04

  Like, you know, case in point, she's just like, the guy doesn't know, she'll give these like two minute monologues and then he's just like, like she'll go, so anyway, I like, I just don't know, like, I wanna like buy a car, but I don't have a job yet. And like, I think if I like save up my money, like I should get a summer job, but I don't wanna work during the summer, cause summer is typically the most fun season of the year. I'm a big seasons girl, which is why I don't wanna move back home, because it's the east coast and you just get a lot of cold winters and like hot summers and I want more variation. I like the fall, I like scarves and sweaters and mittens, oh my, and I like going to Starbucks and getting a pumpkin spice latte and the bathrooms are always really clean and I can shit my pants and go in there and they, they give me the bathroom code because they see in my eyes that I just shit my pants. And so I just don't know, like, who are you voting for?

• 1:45:01Speaker 04

  And then he goes, uh, I just found out who Third Eye Blind was. And it's just like, oh my god, you're so quiet.

• 1:45:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, I mean, I do think that's certainly her, and I'm somebody like this too, that's a little uncomfortable with silence sometimes. Like, I'll try and fill the, you know, so, so much of like, so many comedians are like that, but, or, or like, I just have it in my head where it's like, you gotta be getting a laugh.

• 1:45:24Speaker 04

  I know.

• 1:45:24Speaker 03

  Nine seconds have passed.

• 1:45:25Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:45:26Speaker 03

  Or you're at least not connecting, whatever, like, that's how I feel on a podcast, but like, in real life, I just, when I'm having a conversation, I, I'm past that, but I definitely was more like that.

• 1:45:36Speaker 04

  Listening is a big thing that I think young guys can, should be the main thing they try to get better at. Because, and not, and not only just for the sake of dating and, and trying to, you know, hook up, whatever you're doing, but for life, it's like, it's a, it's such a acquired skillset, but also necessary for everything.

• 1:45:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:45:55Speaker 04

  Even like, you know, your mom's friends are coming over for a book club and you gotta, she wants you to meet them, like, fucking listen, like be, I mean, I remember like, I, I just, I was like, oh fuck, I, mom, mom, mom, I wanna go play basketball, whatever, just be here. And then I was like, alright, so I'm gonna be here for 10 minutes. I wanna like lock in with Kathy Shibitz and fucking hear about her new macaroni salad recipe. And then make a funny joke back so that she feels like she was seen and heard and my mom, I did right by my mom, and then I'm out. And like, and also for crowd work and, and whatever, but like this, these guys. Need, she needs somebody that really gives a fuck. And that's, I mean, historically, and I can attest to this with my wife, it's like, the times when I fucking, sometimes she's just like, fuck, like, if you just like, put your phone down or whatever, like, all I want, like, I don't care about anything else,

• 1:46:39Speaker 04

  buy me this or that, just fucking like, will you just listen to my fucking story? And I'm like, I'm so sorry.

• 1:46:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:46:45Speaker 04

  Anyway, that's, I turned that on to me, but yeah.

• 1:46:50Speaker 03

  Oh, oh, yeah. Yeah, no, that's true. Anyway.

• 1:46:55Speaker 04

  Wait, wait, oh my god, I love you, dude. Great timing. Well, that's tonight's Doritos joke of the night.

• 1:47:03Speaker 04

  Do I have to wait real quick to quote Dumb and Dumber one more time?

• 1:47:05Speaker 03

  Yes, please.

• 1:47:06Speaker 04

  In the hot tub, remember?

• 1:47:09Speaker 04

  Yeah, Freda Felcher, wait, what happened, Harry? Some little Philly break your heart? No, she was a French woman or whatever, and then he goes, yeah, she, I don't know, she just broke out me out of the, out of the blue one day, sent me this John Deere letter, something about me not listening or whatever, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention, but.

• 1:47:26Speaker 04

  Jeff Daniels is just the best thrower.

• 1:47:28Speaker 03

  Crushing it, dude. So good. Yeah, I mean, look, the, there's a couple things, and this, this is also a good opportunity for our many male 21-year-old listeners, right?

• 1:47:38Speaker 04

  Got them.

• 1:47:39Speaker 03

  Bro, try and lock in, listen to something, repeat back the, you know, repeat back something and just be present, and it's so, I'm gonna say, the bar is pretty low. This girl, and another thing you have to understand for our friend here is like, yeah, like, okay, so you're attracted to these people, like, physically it sounds like, and you, it's okay to go on a date and if the vibes aren't right, you don't have to hook up with them.

• 1:48:08Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:48:08Speaker 03

  You know what I mean? Like, it sounds like you're just think like, well, I like, I think this person's hot, we went on a date, we have some chemistry, but it isn't tall enough. Like, you can raise your standards a little bit so that you don't feel this, sort of, dejected in your dating life. Like, and look, I'll be honest with you, that, this is, you're, you're finding out, it seems like you're graduating from. College is so easy because you don't even know what you're doing yet.

• 1:48:36Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:48:37Speaker 03

  So dating is kinda easy for people where they're just like, if you're like, attractive people like, date and they just, basically they mean they just fuck whoever they think is hot.

• 1:48:44Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:48:45Speaker 03

  And then it sounds like you're getting out of that, you're maturing a little bit and realizing like, huh, this isn't that fun if I don't actually like the person.

• 1:48:53Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:48:54Speaker 03

  Right? And you might just be, you're just hitting a level of maturity here where you're like, oh, I'm gonna start entering the point in my life where dating is a little bit more of a chore. It's not like whoever I go out with, I'm gonna have some fun because we're in college, we'll get fucked up and suck each other off and, you know, whatever, hit the dining hall at 2 a.m. Like, now you're like, well, that's okay, but I would really like it if he knew one thing about my personal life.

• 1:49:20Speaker 04

  Yeah, do you know, like, maybe my third favorite color?

• 1:49:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:49:24Speaker 04

  And not just like where I got my bras at? Which is the weirdest first question on a date.

• 1:49:30Speaker 03

  So it's okay for you to kinda raise your, what you think is acceptable, it's like, yeah, go, look, you're gonna, you're gonna start to date in a more grown up way, you're pretty young, and you're just gonna, if you go on a date and a guy's not fucking bringing it, you don't have to keep seeing them, you don't have to go on date number two, you don't have to date them, you know what I mean? Like, that's the reality. And now you're understanding why people say dating is hard. We hear it in your voice, and yeah. Unfortunately, it's true, you're not gonna click with a lot of people, you know what I mean?

• 1:50:02Speaker 04

  It's a numbers game.

• 1:50:03Speaker 03

  It's, it is unfortunately a numbers game.

• 1:50:05Speaker 04

  It's tough to realize when you are that age where you're just like, you want to be an adult or feel like you've lived 20, 21 is just that sweet spot of like, I'm an adult, I've lived, I've lived 21 years.

• 1:50:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:50:15Speaker 04

  And like, you actually don't know shit yet.

• 1:50:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:50:17Speaker 04

  But you think you do because it's the same thing like when you go from middle school to high school and even like, you know, twenties to thirties, you're just like, alright, now I've gotta figure it out. But like, you hear Oprah say all the time, you know?

• 1:50:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:50:29Speaker 04

  Yeah, you know, you don't know shit.

• 1:50:31Speaker 03

  Even not in character, even if he's not Dr. Phil, he still respects Oprah.

• 1:50:37Speaker 04

  Well, everybody does, top roast.

• 1:50:40Speaker 03

  Even Adam Ray, not just Dr. Phil.

• 1:50:43Speaker 04

  I wanna tell you.

• 1:50:44Speaker 03

  He's gonna quote Oprah.

• 1:50:46Speaker 04

  Well, one thing Oprah, shut the fuck up for a second. All right, or I'm gonna fucking bottle up one of your farts and sell it on eBay. What I do love about Oprah is that she fluctuates, not just in her weight, but in her demeanor, right? I remember I used to walk into her office and go, hey, I heard there's some tomato soup in the break room. And she'd throw a fucking Swiss Army knife at my cock. And I'm like, all right, it's 10 a.m. somewhere, right? But my point is, you don't know what you don't know. And you're too, you know, you could, look, Splinter came up with the phrase cowabunga.

• 1:51:28Speaker 04

  But he didn't use it until, look, anal is first base. Only if you brought a condom. But if you paid for the date and you open the door, then, you know, then I think, get up with the sun, go to bed with the moon, put your shoes on one at a time. And if you, you know, if you forget to, you know, take your pants off when you're taking a shit, maybe that's God's way of telling you, it's time to start peeing out of your butt.

• 1:51:58Speaker 03

  That's so true.

• 1:51:59Speaker 04

  I think if you listen to yourself and quit trying to decide what you should do and do what you wanna do, then that's when you do the do mountain do.

• 1:52:08Speaker 03

  Absolutely.

• 1:52:09Speaker 04

  Be right back.

• 1:52:11Speaker 03

  That is true. What you wanna do is fuck guys that listen to you.

• 1:52:15Speaker 04

  Yep.

• 1:52:15Speaker 03

  So that's what you gotta start doing. And by the way, you're in fucking college, it doesn't have to be a formal date. Go to a bar, whoever chats you up and you have a little bit of rapport, then maybe go on a date with him or even, you know what I mean?

• 1:52:27Speaker 04

  And there also are guys that you don't like, I think that just from harkening back to that time, feeling like, oh, like that guy talked to me at the bar, yeah, he was putting his best foot forward. It was the first chat, he's like trying to, you know, see if he can take things further. Like you don't have to go somewhere with him that night or whatever, like fucking swap the numbers. And figure it out and then like actually get on the phone and like I know that that's not a thing for their Snapchatting and texting or FaceTiming like but like you know again, like you said, there's so many fucking people. There's too many people. So there's really no reason. You just have to be down to clown and be DFW down for whatever.

• 1:53:05Speaker 03

  Exactly. And you'll find someone who responds thoughtfully to your Nardawar style questions and maybe, maybe hits you with some Nardawar questions of his own.

• 1:53:16Speaker 04

  And put it on him. Maybe sometimes try this. Go to go on that date and go, so where are you from? And then if he gives you a one word answer, don't say anything for three and a half minutes. You said you're afraid of the silence. Surrender to the silence.

• 1:53:29Speaker 03

  Surrender to the silence. A little exposure therapy was not going to hurt you. We're rooting for you. Get out there. Make some nice connections. That's good to do for us. Adam, thank you so much. This was so fun. And we will talk to you guys next time. Bye bye.

• 1:53:59Speaker 07

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