Pod Insights So True with Caleb Hearon Niles Abston Loves Being Left Alone About this episode Happy Thanksgiving! Today’s guest is the hilarious Niles Abston! Caleb and Niles talk everything from Family Guy, life on film and TV sets, writing for Dave, wrestlers moving into acting, marriage, and much more!
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So True is a Headgum podcast, created and hosted by Caleb Hearon. The show is produced by Chance Nichols with Associate Producer Allie Kahan and Executive Producer Emma Foley. So True is engineered by Casey Donahue and engineered and edited by Nicole Lyons. Kaiti Moos is our VP of Content at Headgum. Thanks to Luke Rogers for our show art and our social media manager Virginia Muller.
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Transcript 16,939 words · 4 speakers
0:01 Speaker 00 This is a HeadGum Podcast.
0:05 Speaker 01 Male loneliness, I love, leave me alone, please.
0:08 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:09 Speaker 01 I have a Playstation, a nice condo.
0:11 Speaker 02 Yeah.
0:11 Speaker 01 I got Postmates, I don't want to see none of y'all.
0:13 Speaker 02 Yeah.
0:14 Speaker 01 It's great.
0:15 Speaker 02 I think you are maybe what they're talking about, though.
0:17 Speaker 01 Really?
0:17 Speaker 02 You're sitting in the house playing video games, but is anyone coming over or anything?
0:21 Speaker 01 No.
0:21 Speaker 02 No, how you doing, brother?
0:22 Speaker 01 I'm doing great.
0:28 Speaker 02 I don't understand lighting, you know, I spent a whole day once Googling lighting.
0:32 Speaker 01 Yeah.
0:33 Speaker 02 Do you know what, I was Googling like how to light things.
0:36 Speaker 01 Right.
0:36 Speaker 02 Because you know, we like to make things, me and you.
0:38 Speaker 01 Exactly, you be on set and you're like, wait, this is why you have to do, okay.
0:41 Speaker 02 And I'm curious, I'm like, why is there one beside me?
0:43 Speaker 01 Right.
0:44 Speaker 02 You know, because you think you would want me lit from the front, but there has to be one beside you that comes from a different angle.
0:48 Speaker 01 Yep.
0:48 Speaker 02 I read a lot about, key lighting came up.
0:52 Speaker 02 I didn't retain a lot of it.
0:53 Speaker 01 No.
0:53 Speaker 02 It's not for me.
0:54 Speaker 01 It's not.
0:55 Speaker 02 But I have a lot of respect for people who do all this stuff on set that I am too stupid to do.
0:59 Speaker 01 You gotta have them.
1:00 Speaker 02 You ever just on a, you ever just on a set and go, there are 300 million people working on this.
1:05 Speaker 01 Yes.
1:05 Speaker 02 And every one of them has a specific job.
1:07 Speaker 01 Dude.
1:07 Speaker 02 It's kind of beautiful.
1:08 Speaker 01 When I was on set on my Dave episode, that's how I was, I went and like thanked the ladies that did set design, because like my episode was the Met Gala. And I was like, if y'all didn't make this actually look like the Met Gala, it doesn't matter how funny the dialogue is.
1:21 Speaker 02 Right, everyone's like, this doesn't look like the Met Gala.
1:23 Speaker 01 But like, people were like, did y'all, did y'all fly out to New York to shoot that? And I was like, let's go.
1:28 Speaker 02 Let's go!
1:29 Speaker 01 But like, in one scene, you can clearly see an LA bus drive behind Jack Harlow.
1:34 Speaker 02 Right.
1:34 Speaker 01 In the episode.
1:35 Speaker 02 Right.
1:35 Speaker 01 But like, if you don't, if you aren't there, you don't know that.
1:37 Speaker 02 Yeah, we're not gonna worry about that.
1:38 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:39 Speaker 02 How'd you start writing for, uh, for that show?
1:41 Speaker 01 Uh, Lil Dicky saw my, um, my first stand-up special on YouTube.
1:44 Speaker 02 Really?
1:44 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:45 Speaker 02 Damn, that actually happened?
1:46 Speaker 01 Yeah, but it was two years after the fact.
1:49 Speaker 02 Right, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
1:49 Speaker 01 Two years after the fact, they were looking for writers, he had saw it on YouTube, and so they had just, they hit CAA up, and I just got a random call one day, it was like, yeah, they want to interview you for the job. And I had literally, I had literally just moved to New York, I had packed up all my shit, moved to New York, I was like, fuck TV, I'm just doing stand-up, TV's stupid.
2:09 Speaker 02 Yeah.
2:09 Speaker 01 And then, two weeks later, I get this call, hey, this TV show you actually watch wants you to write for it.
2:15 Speaker 02 Yeah.
2:15 Speaker 01 And, yeah, I had the first interview, and I was dating this girl out there, too, and I was like, ah, I think I'm gonna get this job. Because I don't ever get jobs, and they were just too nice to me.
2:26 Speaker 02 How, what happened with the girl?
2:27 Speaker 01 We don't.
2:28 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
2:31 Speaker 01 I did, I was just in New York, so I just saw her, but we're not.
2:34 Speaker 02 You traded her in for a writing job.
2:36 Speaker 01 That's what she, that's what she says.
2:37 Speaker 02 That's crazy.
2:38 Speaker 01 She hates Lil Dicky.
2:39 Speaker 02 Yeah, queen, honestly, respect. She's like, fuck that man and his career.
2:44 Speaker 01 She said he ruined her love life.
2:45 Speaker 02 Yeah, I love her. Bring her back. You need to quit running around in these streets.
2:50 Speaker 01 You're hilarious, because you remember we taped.
2:52 Speaker 02 No, I really love her.
2:52 Speaker 01 We taped on Comedy Central for the first, on the same night she was there at the show. She was like, Caleb's so funny. I was like, shut up.
2:57 Speaker 02 You need to get back together with this. She got a good head on her shoulders. Don't lose this one.
3:01 Speaker 01 She could not see this podcast.
3:02 Speaker 02 Don't lose this woman.
3:03 Speaker 01 She could not see this.
3:05 Speaker 02 A good woman's worth a million writing jobs.
3:06 Speaker 01 We're not rolling at all. We are cutting all of this from the show.
3:11 Speaker 02 Because I was, I was willing to, I was willing to not be on her side. And then when I found out her taste.
3:17 Speaker 02 Her taste in comedy, this is a good woman.
3:20 Speaker 01 She has good comedy taste. I'll give her, I'll give her that.
3:23 Speaker 02 Wait, so you, was that your first writing job ever?
3:25 Speaker 01 First TV writing job, yeah.
3:26 Speaker 02 How was it for you?
3:27 Speaker 01 It was so fun. It was so fun, because it's just like, so TV nerds know this, who this guy is, but like, the general public won't. But Jeff Schaefer co-created Dave with Lil Dicky. And so like, if you know Jeff Schaefer, he ran, he ran Curb with Larry. Literally Curb is just him and Larry writing the show back and forth. Like, he told me during the pandemic, Larry would just FaceTime him and they would write the show.
3:49 Speaker 02 Yeah.
3:49 Speaker 01 That's just crazy. And then like, he created The League with his wife, which I think is like, one of the funniest shows ever, even if you don't like football. So like, just getting to like, learn from him every day was crazy. And you're just sitting at a table next to a guy that like, phone would start buzzing. You see Larry David pop up on the phone.
4:04 Speaker 02 Yeah.
4:04 Speaker 01 You're like, where, like, I'm here right now? This is crazy. Like, this dude rode out on Seinfeld right out of high school. I mean, right out of college, you know?
4:10 Speaker 02 I don't want to get a call from Larry David. Who knows, who knows what the hell he's gonna be complaining about?
4:14 Speaker 01 It's probably the craziest thing.
4:15 Speaker 02 He's funny, but he'd be an annoying ass friend.
4:17 Speaker 01 Yes.
4:18 Speaker 02 Just some, somebody cut me off, Dave, Larry, shut up.
4:20 Speaker 01 You could, yeah, I, I could only imagine, like, Larry's probably one of those people, he calls you and you just go. Like, you know those people you have to prepare to answer the phone?
4:28 Speaker 02 I can tell you, if I was friends with Larry David, I guarantee you five times a phone call or more, I'd say, "Yeah, that's crazy, man." "That's fucking crazy."
4:35 Speaker 01 That's crazy.
4:36 Speaker 02 Anyway. Alright, I'mma let you go.
4:38 Speaker 01 Alright, man.
4:39 Speaker 02 Yeah, well, hey, I hope you all figure that out.
4:41 Speaker 01 Right.
4:42 Speaker 02 Yeah, people in the grocery store are, they're ju- everything's crazy.
4:45 Speaker 01 Yeah, I hate when that chair's wobbly. I get it.
4:49 Speaker 01 I get it. That's how you know that dude is hilarious, man. He made a whole show of just like rich white dude problems.
4:55 Speaker 02 And it worked.
4:56 Speaker 01 And it worked.
4:57 Speaker 02 And it worked, yeah.
4:57 Speaker 01 Because he's being truthful. That shit really ruins his day.
5:02 Speaker 02 Yeah.
5:03 Speaker 01 Like, that's so funny to me. Like, that shit really ruins that guy's day when something's just a little...
5:08 Speaker 02 Yeah.
5:08 Speaker 01 Little off.
5:08 Speaker 02 Well, he can never be wrong.
5:09 Speaker 01 He can't.
5:10 Speaker 02 I think, you know, I think about Larry David and that show often, because he, there's a lot of things they do on that show that like, you know, some dumbass right-winger would be like, "You could never get away with this today."
5:20 Speaker 01 Right, right, right.
5:21 Speaker 02 Shows currently in production. And it's because, I think, I joke about stuff all the time that you would think I wouldn't be allowed to joke about.
5:27 Speaker 01 Exactly.
5:27 Speaker 02 But it's like, people know the intent.
5:29 Speaker 01 The intent and the good writing and the performance, man.
5:31 Speaker 02 Right.
5:32 Speaker 01 A lot of right-wingers just say slurs, and they're like, "Ha."
5:38 Speaker 02 Who's your favorite right-wing comic right now? Be honest.
5:40 Speaker 01 Favorite?
5:40 Speaker 02 You had to pick one above all the rest.
5:42 Speaker 01 If I had to pick one, favorite right-wing comic?
5:44 Speaker 02 Yeah, favorite, favorite of those like comics that are doing the like, "Oh, woke liberals killed comedy," who would you pick? Who's your fighter?
5:50 Speaker 01 Oh, man. I don't, I don't know.
5:54 Speaker 02 I'm taking Chappelle.
5:55 Speaker 01 Probably.
5:56 Speaker 02 I'm taking Chappelle.
5:57 Speaker 01 He's a new right-wing comedian, so I'd have to say him. I'd, I'd take Chappelle, bro.
6:02 Speaker 02 Yeah.
6:02 Speaker 01 That shit is crazy. He really does that shit.
6:04 Speaker 02 He's really in that now.
6:05 Speaker 01 Damn.
6:06 Speaker 02 Yeah.
6:06 Speaker 01 We lost one.
6:07 Speaker 02 We lost a good one. You, you talk about those guys online a lot.
6:11 Speaker 01 All the time, because it's just like, dude, they'll be like, they'll do this thing where they're like, "You can't say anything," and they're saying it to 30,000 people.
6:19 Speaker 02 They're saying everything.
6:20 Speaker 01 Like, I'm just like, what actually, what actually can't you say? You say everything, you own a podcast every week that gets 20 million downloads, like, what are we talking about?
6:29 Speaker 02 And you've got, you've got compounds. You've got, you own so much property.
6:32 Speaker 01 They, they are making...
6:34 Speaker 02 You're actively saying things.
6:34 Speaker 01 They are making so much money. And I, like, honestly, I get it. If you can trick millions of people to think you're still an underdog after making millions of dollars for saying funnies?
6:45 Speaker 02 Yeah.
6:46 Speaker 01 I gotta hand it to you.
6:47 Speaker 02 That's Donald Trump's whole bag.
6:48 Speaker 01 You, literally.
6:49 Speaker 02 He's like, "They're being mean to me." It's like, you're a very long-time, famous, rich guy.
6:54 Speaker 01 He, he was in Home Alone.
6:56 Speaker 02 Yeah.
6:58 Speaker 02 That's, that's the pinnacle of his power.
7:00 Speaker 01 He's been, he's been talked about in like every rap song, like I'm, I'm just like, you've had a great life, my dog. Like, what are you talking about?
7:08 Speaker 02 He blew it because he could have died an icon.
7:10 Speaker 01 He really could have.
7:11 Speaker 02 He could have just been a, a, a kind of racist, fucked up, old, rich guy that everyone was like, he's rich.
7:17 Speaker 01 Yeah.
7:17 Speaker 02 And they were, people were digging it.
7:20 Speaker 01 I, it, it, it blows my, because he just kind of came out of nowhere.
7:23 Speaker 02 Yeah.
7:24 Speaker 01 Because it started with the Obama thing.
7:25 Speaker 02 Yeah.
7:26 Speaker 01 For, uh, I guess they.
7:27 Speaker 02 The birth certificates.
7:28 Speaker 01 Yeah, the birth certificate thing. And I was like, that, that's what we gonna do?
7:31 Speaker 02 Yeah.
7:32 Speaker 01 And, and he became president.
7:36 Speaker 02 It's also.
7:36 Speaker 01 It worked. I don't know. Like, it, it worked.
7:38 Speaker 02 It's crazy that that's how far he had to go to lose liberals. Like, even the Central Park Five thing, liberals were still like, we'll put him on TV.
7:44 Speaker 01 Right.
7:45 Speaker 02 You know?
7:45 Speaker 01 Right.
7:46 Speaker 02 But then the birth certificate, then they're like, okay, now it's too much. It's like, well, now he's president. You already lost.
7:50 Speaker 01 He's literally president. And The Simpsons told us it was gonna happen.
7:53 Speaker 02 The Sim- do you, are you a Simpsons fan?
7:55 Speaker 01 I see it every now and then. I have a friend that's like, he watches it like every day.
7:59 Speaker 02 I see, I'm not one of those.
8:00 Speaker 01 I'm not one of those.
8:01 Speaker 02 I, I respect it, but I'm not.
8:02 Speaker 01 I'm more of a family guy.
8:03 Speaker 02 Yeah, that's, see, that's a, yeah. Yeah, let's go. That's me and you. We're family. That's our, I think that's our generation.
8:10 Speaker 01 Right.
8:10 Speaker 02 Yeah.
8:11 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
8:12 Speaker 02 Family guy is Wade.
8:12 Speaker 01 It's the, it's, it's the same premise, but it was made 10 years later, you know?
8:16 Speaker 02 Yeah, and it's like, yeah, I don't really care about Homer like wanting to strangle his kid or whatever.
8:21 Speaker 01 No.
8:22 Speaker 02 You know, he's like, he's like, you know, I like that Peter, uh, I like that Peter will literally shoot one of his kids.
8:29 Speaker 01 Yes.
8:29 Speaker 02 You know?
8:30 Speaker 01 It's amazing.
8:31 Speaker 02 He'll do anything.
8:32 Speaker 01 They'll, they, they would sell Meghan to slavery if,
8:37 Speaker 01 if it would make a good episode, they would do that shit.
8:39 Speaker 02 They would do that to Meg.
8:40 Speaker 01 It's.
8:41 Speaker 02 She gets disrespected a lot on the show.
8:42 Speaker 01 She does. I feel bad for her sometimes.
8:44 Speaker 02 I do feel bad for Meg.
8:45 Speaker 01 Yeah.
8:45 Speaker 02 Because she really does have a pure heart.
8:47 Speaker 01 She does.
8:47 Speaker 02 Yeah.
8:48 Speaker 01 She does. I think Chris does too, in a way.
8:51 Speaker 02 Yeah, but.
8:54 Speaker 02 Let's go through the characters. Okay, ranking the Family Guy characters by pure and not pure of heart.
9:00 Speaker 01 Yeah.
9:01 Speaker 02 No, I, I, I think obviously Stewie's evil.
9:04 Speaker 01 Yeah, Stewie and Quagmire are the worst ones.
9:05 Speaker 02 Yeah. You think Quagmire?
9:07 Speaker 01 Oh my god. Dude, like I went back to like our early season. Just to like watch. And I was like, he had this thing where, like, it feels fucked up to even talk about it. Like, I feel like my career's gonna be over by bringing up what Quagmire did. But they wrote the shit and put it on television for my young ass. But there's like a thing, a girl comes over to Quagmire's place and like a thing, uh, sprays her in the face and knocks her out and then bends her over.
9:34 Speaker 02 Yeah.
9:34 Speaker 01 And I'm just like.
9:35 Speaker 02 Niles, why would you bring that up?
9:36 Speaker 01 I know.
9:38 Speaker 01 I, I was watching it, like, I, I need to change the channel. I need to put on like TBN or something.
9:43 Speaker 02 Yeah, he's, he's definitely not pure of heart, that, that Quagmire.
9:46 Speaker 01 I just, the fact that they put that on TV, it's just, good for them, I guess.
9:51 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah, I mean, whatever they have to do, I guess.
9:53 Speaker 01 Whatever they have to do.
9:56 Speaker 01 That Quagmire.
9:57 Speaker 02 The show evolved. I'm glad, I am glad Family Guy got away from the like, Drat, the world will be mine, Stewie thing. Like, the world revenge with the ray, the ray gun shit.
10:05 Speaker 01 It's fun now.
10:06 Speaker 02 I like that they made him more of like a gay little, like, they just make Stewie gay every other episode.
10:13 Speaker 01 It's funny. It's funny watching a little gay baby walk around with a dog.
10:18 Speaker 02 Yeah.
10:19 Speaker 01 It scratches an itch for me. I don't know.
10:21 Speaker 02 What can I say? I love it.
10:22 Speaker 01 I love it.
10:22 Speaker 02 I love little gay baby and his dog. Oh my god, that's so funny. Wait, so, okay, so, you're right for Dave. And, uh, well, you made, so, I messaged you a while back and said, you keep talking about this short film you made, I need to see it. And you sent it to me and it was so good.
10:39 Speaker 01 Thank you, man.
10:40 Speaker 02 What's, did you just have a premiere for that or something?
10:41 Speaker 01 Yeah, we did a, we did a screening at the Bushwick Film Festival in New York.
10:45 Speaker 02 For 98 Honda?
10:46 Speaker 01 Yeah, for 98 Honda. And then this weekend, it'll be at the Montclair Film Festival, which I can't go to, cause my sister's getting married. I'm so happy.
10:53 Speaker 02 Oh my god.
10:54 Speaker 01 For her.
10:54 Speaker 02 Where's she getting married?
10:55 Speaker 01 Back in Mississippi.
10:57 Speaker 02 Damn. And she had to do it this weekend?
10:59 Speaker 01 So while, I'm gonna be on the big screen with, uh, I think, uh, Nora's screening there. Denzel produced the movie that's in it. Uh, Cersei Ronan's in the movie. Like, I'm, we're in this huge, it's like a top 50 festival in the world.
11:11 Speaker 02 Yeah.
11:12 Speaker 01 And we're in this shit, and I can't go, cause my sister's so happy.
11:15 Speaker 02 Skip. Skip your sister's wedding.
11:17 Speaker 01 I tried.
11:18 Speaker 02 Yeah, skip your sister's wedding.
11:19 Speaker 01 I tried. Like, I have not RSVP'd.
11:22 Speaker 02 Yeah.
11:23 Speaker 01 I'm trying to keep my family on their toes.
11:25 Speaker 02 Yeah, don't let them know.
11:26 Speaker 01 Flights, but I cancel flights all the time.
11:28 Speaker 02 Absolutely.
11:29 Speaker 01 Look. So I'm just like, I'm just like, give me a reason to fly to New Jersey on Friday.
11:33 Speaker 02 Yeah.
11:34 Speaker 01 I will do it.
11:34 Speaker 02 One person have a bad attitude.
11:36 Speaker 01 I swear to God.
11:37 Speaker 02 One person in the group text misbehaved.
11:38 Speaker 01 Cause I get there late Friday night, if one person gives me attitude in that family, I'm flying to New Jersey in the morning.
11:44 Speaker 02 Going.
11:45 Speaker 01 Send me a picture.
11:46 Speaker 02 I love that for you.
11:47 Speaker 01 Yeah, so.
11:47 Speaker 02 Well, you said she's getting married in Mississippi. Is she older?
11:50 Speaker 01 No, she's younger.
11:51 Speaker 02 Younger.
11:51 Speaker 01 So I'm already preparing for all those. So when are you gonna, when you get some money? How about that?
11:56 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
11:57 Speaker 01 I hate when family be trying to do all that.
12:00 Speaker 02 It doesn't, you should try being gay. They give up on it quickly.
12:03 Speaker 01 Oh, really?
12:04 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah. They, once you're gay, they're just like, oh, I guess he's never gonna... Like, it really, everyone, the kids thing doesn't really come up that much, except for my mom. She's, but she's built different.
12:15 Speaker 02 My mom is a superhero when it comes to being able to do mom shit. Um, she'll find a way. But, yeah, the marriage stuff doesn't come up anymore. I think they just assume. I'm like, not really, yeah.
12:24 Speaker 01 That's great. My gay cousin got married and had a baby. So like, now they're even, they're like, well, she did it. What's wrong with you?
12:31 Speaker 02 Cut this.
12:33 Speaker 02 That's really funny, Niles. Cut that.
12:37 Speaker 01 We don't want Kayla's mom to see that.
12:38 Speaker 02 Yeah, that's crazy. Cut that. Thank you for saying that. Mark the note, Chance, for cutting that. That's crazy.
12:46 Speaker 01 My bad.
12:47 Speaker 02 That's crazy. We, it's just Niles going, my gay cousin had a baby. Cut to, so Niles.
12:54 Speaker 02 Damn, so lesbian, lesbian with a wife and a baby.
12:57 Speaker 01 They're beautiful.
12:58 Speaker 02 Man, they're letting people do anything now.
12:59 Speaker 01 Yeah. My lesbian cousin, the truth, bruh, she a truck driver.
13:03 Speaker 02 Oh, my God. Butch?
13:05 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
13:06 Speaker 02 Right, I mean, you have to ask.
13:07 Speaker 01 She was a Hooper in high school. She would dunk and shit.
13:09 Speaker 02 Mm-hmm.
13:10 Speaker 01 Now she, she a truck driver, got a beautiful wife and a baby.
13:14 Speaker 02 Does she have a stud name?
13:15 Speaker 01 No. Well, I guess, I guess, I don't wanna say her name on here, but...
13:19 Speaker 02 Right, right, right, right, right, right.
13:20 Speaker 01 She does, cause she has, she has a nickname to her name that was like, oh, a dude could go by that.
13:24 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, Niles, that's a stud name.
13:29 Speaker 02 I love that for, do they live in Mississippi?
13:31 Speaker 01 No, I live in California.
13:32 Speaker 02 Oh, nice.
13:32 Speaker 01 Yeah, they live out here.
13:33 Speaker 02 Nice, not LA?
13:34 Speaker 01 No, they, uh, I got family in Inland Empire, that's where my dad's from.
13:37 Speaker 02 Oh, nice.
13:38 Speaker 01 Yeah, so like the Pomona, Monrovia area, like it's about an hour outside of here.
13:42 Speaker 02 There's a Sonic out there.
13:43 Speaker 01 That's why I go out there.
13:44 Speaker 02 There's a Sonic in Monrovia.
13:46 Speaker 01 You were for real from the Midwest.
13:47 Speaker 02 You're real, you're real.
13:48 Speaker 01 Dude, every time I go visit family, I hit a Sonic on the way back.
13:51 Speaker 02 Yeah.
13:51 Speaker 01 Or if I like, cause you have to go through the IE to get to Vegas, so I always stop at a Sonic.
13:55 Speaker 02 There's a Sonic in Monrovia.
13:56 Speaker 01 Yep.
13:57 Speaker 02 It's like a Lana Del Rey song, there's a Sonic in Monrovia.
13:59 Speaker 01 That does sound like it.
13:59 Speaker 02 And guess what? It's not good. They're not doing quality at the Monrovia Sonic, in my opinion.
14:03 Speaker 01 Not anymore?
14:04 Speaker 02 I hope they see this, cause I went, I drove all the way out there, cause I was like, I'm craving Sonic today and I got nothing to do. It's like that.
14:09 Speaker 01 Sometimes you need that cherry limeade in your life.
14:11 Speaker 02 You do, and guess what? The cherry wasn't right, the limeade wasn't right, the corn dog made me sick.
14:15 Speaker 01 No.
14:16 Speaker 02 It was bad at the Monrovia Sonic.
14:17 Speaker 01 I got, I, I was, we, we came back from Vegas, uh, about a month ago, and I stopped at the one in Fontana.
14:25 Speaker 02 Yeah.
14:26 Speaker 01 And I was just like, I needed this.
14:27 Speaker 02 It hit.
14:28 Speaker 01 Yeah.
14:28 Speaker 02 God. There's something about a restaurant, like, you, like Waffle House.
14:33 Speaker 01 Right.
14:33 Speaker 02 For me, is like, i- i- you really understand the movie White Castle when they road tripped against this one. It's like, yeah, I would do that with White Castle.
14:39 Speaker 01 Nah, and I hope we don't get a Waffle House out here.
14:41 Speaker 02 Yeah.
14:42 Speaker 01 The people in this godless city don't deserve one.
14:44 Speaker 02 I think that's right.
14:45 Speaker 01 Yeah.
14:45 Speaker 02 I think that's right, they would, they would abuse.
14:47 Speaker 01 They would abuse it, it would, it would not be right, and I don't, I don't think we got the people strong enough to work there.
14:53 Speaker 02 No.
14:55 Speaker 02 The combat skills.
14:56 Speaker 01 Who you know out here gonna break up fights at three in the morning?
14:58 Speaker 02 Right, between seven people.
15:00 Speaker 01 That's what I'm saying.
15:01 Speaker 02 All of whom don't know each other.
15:02 Speaker 01 Nah, it, it looks like, what's, what's the game, uh, Super Smash Bros?
15:06 Speaker 02 Uh huh.
15:06 Speaker 01 It's crazy, choose your fighter.
15:08 Speaker 02 People are throwing a, a fucking banana peels and shit.
15:10 Speaker 01 Ooh.
15:10 Speaker 02 Slipping each other up.
15:11 Speaker 01 I've seen somebody get a cigarette to the eye in a Waffle House.
15:16 Speaker 02 That doesn't surprise me one bit.
15:17 Speaker 01 And I know, and like, when it hit his eye, he was like, this nigga not even supposed to be smoking in here, like.
15:23 Speaker 02 Do you know what my Waffle House secret is?
15:27 Speaker 01 What's that?
15:27 Speaker 02 Their grilled chicken sandwich? Yup, and that face is exactly why you're not on. You're not on to the grilled chicken sandwich because people, there's a culture of fear around trying the grilled chicken sandwich at Waffle House. Guess what? It's fucking amazing.
15:40 Speaker 01 What?
15:40 Speaker 02 The gr- Niles. The grilled chicken sandwich at Waffle House.
15:44 Speaker 01 Alright, I'mma go.
15:45 Speaker 02 People, you think, oh, I want my chocolate chip waffles, I want my country ham, I want my, I want my hash brown smothered and whatever. All great. Get a grilled chicken sandwich, go with a friend.
15:55 Speaker 01 Okay.
15:56 Speaker 02 Cut that grilled chicken sandwich down the middle.
15:58 Speaker 01 Okay.
15:58 Speaker 02 Each of you take the first bite at the same time and see if your eyes don't light up.
16:01 Speaker 01 And there's fire.
16:01 Speaker 02 It's amazing.
16:02 Speaker 01 Alright, I'mma go this weekend.
16:03 Speaker 02 Have y'all had the grilled chicken sandwich from Waffle House? You know, Chance, it's good. Yeah, it's really good.
16:09 Speaker 01 Alright, I'mma go.
16:10 Speaker 02 Where you gonna go? Oh, you're gonna go speak.
16:11 Speaker 01 I'm gonna be in Mississippi.
16:12 Speaker 02 If everyone behaves.
16:14 Speaker 01 If everybody behaves.
16:15 Speaker 02 Yeah.
16:15 Speaker 01 I will go to that film festival.
16:16 Speaker 02 I will go. If everyone's on their best behavior.
16:19 Speaker 01 Yeah.
16:20 Speaker 02 I'm going to the wedding. Let me get not on a tangent about Waffle House chicken sandwiches. You, right for Dave.
16:27 Speaker 01 Yeah.
16:28 Speaker 02 And then, what's going on with you these days? What are you up to? Stand up always.
16:31 Speaker 01 Yeah, stand up always. I'm trying to figure it out, man, because like, I, I don't know, I'm trying to figure out like, I gotta sell some tickets, bro. This shit is trash if you don't sell tickets, like, I can sell like a hundred tickets in like a one nighter in a city if I haven't been there in a while.
16:47 Speaker 02 Yeah.
16:48 Speaker 01 But like, you know, I'm trying to figure out like what my thing is to get me to the point where I could do a theater, because like I'm on my third hour now, I want people to actually like see it.
16:56 Speaker 02 Yeah.
16:57 Speaker 01 You know, so, yeah, I'm trying to figure out what to do with that, but then also, uh, I'm developing a lot of like my own stuff, like with the film, we're trying to find some, um, partners to try to make that into a feature, and then I have this TV show I'm developing with a, like, nice sized producer, so I'm excited about that.
17:13 Speaker 02 Yeah. Where you guys, have you written the script and stuff already?
17:15 Speaker 01 Uh, for the show?
17:16 Speaker 02 Yeah.
17:16 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah, yeah, it's written. I'm, I'm hyped. We're trying to get, uh, this really good director that I like attached to it. So like, you know, fingers crossed, but I, I have high hopes for it. I'm excited.
17:26 Speaker 02 Nice.
17:26 Speaker 01 Yeah.
17:27 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah. So there's the show, can you, can you say what it's about or it's kind of secret?
17:30 Speaker 01 Yeah, I mean, it's a, it's a show set in Mississippi.
17:33 Speaker 02 Nice.
17:33 Speaker 01 And so, yeah, I'm, uh, I'm, uh, if it all works out, like I, I talked to Cam Patterson about it. I want him to play my cousin.
17:39 Speaker 02 Yeah.
17:39 Speaker 01 I just think we would be super funny together.
17:41 Speaker 02 He's so funny, yeah.
17:41 Speaker 01 He's ridiculous. Uh, we're both from the South and stupid, so, you know. So, yeah, it'd be, it'd be a show about me and my cousin in Mississippi and so, yeah, it would be really, a really good time and I think it'd be fun. I, I want to make like an It's Always Sunny type show.
17:54 Speaker 02 Yeah.
17:55 Speaker 01 It's like, that was like my show growing up. It's Always Sunny, Workaholics, Broad City. Like, I want to make something in that vein.
17:59 Speaker 02 Yeah, like a Hangout Buddy comedy kind of thing, yeah.
18:01 Speaker 01 So, yeah, so we're working on that. Uh, I, it, it's crazy how like when you find a producer that actually likes black people, things are kind of easy.
18:09 Speaker 02 Yeah.
18:11 Speaker 01 Cause like, uh, I've been trying to make this show for like four years. Uh, it's like, no shade to other people I was working with, but I just don't think they knew any black person that wasn't a millionaire already.
18:21 Speaker 02 Yeah.
18:21 Speaker 01 Like they, like if you meet your first black person in Hollywood and they're fam- more famous than you, you don't know black people.
18:26 Speaker 02 Mm.
18:27 Speaker 01 You don't.
18:27 Speaker 02 Mm-hmm.
18:27 Speaker 01 You know what I'm saying?
18:28 Speaker 02 Yeah.
18:28 Speaker 01 And so it's just like, I feel like they had good intentions and they liked the idea of the show, but they just didn't really get the vibe where it's like this producer is a black woman who's worked in Hollywood for a while and she's been on some dope TV shows, made a TV show of her own, that type of thing. So, um, uh, she got it like that, read the pilot and she didn't give me any notes and I love that.
18:48 Speaker 02 Yeah.
18:48 Speaker 01 So.
18:48 Speaker 02 Past producers were white people.
18:50 Speaker 01 Yeah.
18:50 Speaker 02 Yeah. Yeah, it's hard, I mean, anything that's outside of, I think so many white people are just scared to even like just scared to even talk about black people.
19:00 Speaker 01 Yeah, they whisper.
19:01 Speaker 02 They're like, they're like, and what would happen in your community?
19:03 Speaker 01 Yeah.
19:03 Speaker 02 You know, it's like, it's like a fear that's like, actually that feels so racist.
19:07 Speaker 01 It is.
19:08 Speaker 02 It feels so weird.
19:09 Speaker 01 Why are you whispering Beyonce's name?
19:11 Speaker 02 She's not gonna-
19:13 Speaker 01 She's not gonna hear you, but like when white people talk about Beyonce.
19:15 Speaker 02 Yeah.
19:16 Speaker 01 I'm like, dude, calm down. But that's, that's how I was, I felt like they were like either, they were like walking on eggshells or they just straight up just didn't get it.
19:23 Speaker 02 Yeah.
19:24 Speaker 01 Um, and so that was like the problem. Um, but now it, it is dope to have somebody to like seize it for what it is, knows exactly what I'm trying to do. And it's like, all right, let's make it happen now.
19:33 Speaker 02 Yeah.
19:33 Speaker 01 So, uh, I'm really hyped about it and, and I think I'm in the place now that like, like I, I pitched my first TV show five years ago. And I had like a huge star as the EP of it. And so I'm thinking like, oh shit, I'm Lena Dunham. I'm about to go crazy.
19:47 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:48 Speaker 01 I'm 25, I'm about to sell a TV show and we pitched to like seven different networks. They all loved it and they didn't.
19:54 Speaker 02 They always love it.
19:54 Speaker 01 Yeah, they always love it.
19:55 Speaker 02 Yeah.
19:55 Speaker 01 And, uh, they, nobody bought it and it really like, it tore me up, man. Like I didn't write anything for like a year. Like I, I couldn't like, it just, it didn't make any sense to me. I was like, but everybody loved it. What was the problem? And so, but I think now I have like this like maturity of like, if it doesn't work out, then oh well, like I'm, I got my other stuff I'm doing like. I, I do think it'll work out, but like if it doesn't, like I'm fine, you know?
20:16 Speaker 02 It also is unfortunately never fun to like actually sit with this when it's you or when it's us, but it's like, it is rarely personal. It is rare. It's like, I was just talking to a casting director about this yesterday where it's like, we were, we were just having a general meeting and like, you know, it, it just is like, yeah, there's, there's eight hundred talented people who could do this role.
20:34 Speaker 01 There is.
20:35 Speaker 02 She was, you know, she was like, it was really funny cause she, she does casting for like a huge network.
20:39 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
20:40 Speaker 02 And she was like, she was like, yeah, I mean, I've had like really talented people get turned down because they reminded a producer of their ex. Like it just, you just don't.
20:47 Speaker 01 It's so true. And like I, it took me a long time. I probably didn't really understand that till like a year and a half ago when I was producing and casting like my short. And like I'm having to get all these moving parts. So like, I put up about a third of the money and then we crowdfunded for the rest. And like, there's all these people you gotta make happy. Then you go through a casting company, you cast these people and you wrote roles for certain people and that type of thing. And it's just kinda like, you can't make everyone happy.
21:09 Speaker 02 Yeah.
21:09 Speaker 01 And there's some people that I, I would have liked to have in the film, but it just didn't work out. It's not, I don't think they're not good. It just, it didn't work out for that. And we were shooting it in Massachusetts. So maybe it would take a lot of money to get this person out there. So I need to cast out of New York for this instead of LA. So it's just like, I was like, oh, okay. These people don't hate me.
21:26 Speaker 02 Yeah.
21:27 Speaker 01 It just, it, it just, sometimes it just doesn't work out.
21:29 Speaker 02 Well, and this, that's the thing is being on the other side of it, uh, like you have and like I have a couple of times.
21:35 Speaker 02 You're looking at a matrix of 500 different things that need to happen.
21:39 Speaker 01 Yes.
21:39 Speaker 02 And this character, yeah, my friend might be great for it in one way.
21:42 Speaker 01 Right.
21:43 Speaker 02 But if we could get this thing to, if we could get this character to achieve three things that we need, like, we need someone a little older, we need someone whatever. Then like, yeah, it's just, it really isn't personal. It's like, I'm looking at a matrix of 500 things that need to happen, and you might just not slot in anywhere perfectly. It's not that you're not great.
21:58 Speaker 01 Yeah.
21:58 Speaker 02 It's just like, I don't, it's not, we don't have something for you.
22:00 Speaker 01 Yeah. It just, it just, you take so much rejection in this business that like, it, like, after a while, it's just like, well, goddamn, is, is anything gonna work?
22:09 Speaker 02 Yeah.
22:10 Speaker 01 But I think you just, eventually you just got, everybody just builds up a callous to it. Like, now, like, there's some stuff, like, I'll get to audition, it's like, eh, I'm not gonna get that, and I just don't do it.
22:18 Speaker 02 Yeah. I say no, I say no all the time.
22:21 Speaker 01 I don't audition for a lot of stuff, cuz I'm a writer snob, like, I'm a writing snob.
22:24 Speaker 02 Yeah.
22:25 Speaker 01 And so, like, I'll read the scene, and like, this is garbage.
22:27 Speaker 02 Well, so much of what gets made is bad.
22:29 Speaker 01 Yeah.
22:29 Speaker 02 I'll read some of these scripts that I get sent, and I, same thing, I'll pass on,
22:32 Speaker 01 Yeah.
22:33 Speaker 02 Uh, I'll pass on things all the time without auditioning, even though I wanna be acting, because I'm like, well, this script is horrible.
22:38 Speaker 01 Yeah.
22:38 Speaker 02 If this got made, I wouldn't wanna actually be in this.
22:40 Speaker 01 And I think a lot of comics who are actors think like that. I feel like actors don't really think like that.
22:45 Speaker 02 A lot don't. I mean, cuz it's a privilege to, to think like that. Like, I mean, if, if your only job is acting and you need to pay the bills, sure, you'll go do,
22:52 Speaker 01 Yeah.
22:52 Speaker 02 Uh, insert name of show I almost said.
22:56 Speaker 01 I think we almost said the same one.
22:58 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
22:59 Speaker 01 But yeah, it's just like, I was thinking about that the other day. I think actors are really bad at picking scripts, or it's just like, they just gotta do what they gotta do.
23:05 Speaker 02 Dude, I feel bad for anybody right now who only does one thing.
23:08 Speaker 01 Yes.
23:08 Speaker 02 If you're only an actor right now, or only a writer, I don't know how you're making a living.
23:11 Speaker 01 Yeah.
23:12 Speaker 02 Like, there's so few things going on. I'm like, the only thing that has helped me to get by the last several years, and like, actually do well, is that I do seven things.
23:20 Speaker 01 Yeah.
23:20 Speaker 02 So I can be over here, I can be over here.
23:21 Speaker 01 No, that's true.
23:22 Speaker 02 I don't think that's fair. I don't think it should ha, I don't think people should have to do seven things.
23:25 Speaker 01 No, you definitely shouldn't.
23:26 Speaker 02 You didn't used to have to do that. Staff writers on Modern Family used to own multiple houses.
23:30 Speaker 01 Man.
23:31 Speaker 02 You know?
23:32 Speaker 01 Like, that was one of the things I hated the most, being on Dave, was them talking about all the money they used to make.
23:38 Speaker 02 Right back in the day.
23:41 Speaker 01 Cause like, if they're, they're at the EP, like, if you're an EP level writer, showrunner, you're making a lot of money.
23:46 Speaker 02 Yeah.
23:46 Speaker 01 But they were telling me, like, the money they would make as, like, story editors and staff writers, like, oh, like, there are a lot of, uh, cause a lot of the writers on Dave, they, they worked on New Girl and, uh, It's Always Sunny. And they were like, oh, yeah, we were like story editors, we were like buying houses.
23:58 Speaker 02 Yeah.
23:58 Speaker 01 I was like, okay, well, fuck you, first off.
24:00 Speaker 02 Yeah. Twenty-two episodes, plus a script or two.
24:03 Speaker 01 Yeah.
24:04 Speaker 02 And those extra scripts are, what, I, thirty, forty thousand back then, I'm imagining? So you got your script fees on top of your weekly fees.
24:10 Speaker 01 Dude.
24:10 Speaker 02 You're in a union, so you got all your health, like, yeah, shit used to be very sweet for TV writers.
24:14 Speaker 01 I got an email, in the, I got an email the other day saying, like, I qualified for, like, motion picture healthcare.
24:19 Speaker 02 Yeah.
24:19 Speaker 01 And I was like, this should not be something I should be excited about.
24:22 Speaker 02 Yeah.
24:23 Speaker 01 That's terrible.
24:23 Speaker 02 I qualified for health insurance in the field I work in. Well, you see people all the time now on Twitter being like, hey, can someone just put me as, like, a, a two-line speaking partner pilot?
24:32 Speaker 01 Please.
24:32 Speaker 02 I, I have a kid and we're about to lose our health insurance.
24:34 Speaker 01 Let me whisper something.
24:35 Speaker 02 Truly.
24:36 Speaker 01 I, I just.
24:36 Speaker 02 Let me whisper Beyonce as a pilot.
24:37 Speaker 01 Right, I just need healthcare.
24:40 Speaker 02 Yeah, absolutely.
24:40 Speaker 01 Oh, my god, dude.
24:41 Speaker 02 No, it's nuts.
24:42 Speaker 01 I'm very lucky to have a job right now. Like, I, I do, do realize that.
24:46 Speaker 02 Anybody, uh, some people with the worst jobs in entertainment are telling me I'm grateful. I'm going, you're grateful.
24:51 Speaker 01 You're grateful.
24:52 Speaker 02 I've seen what you do, it's not good.
24:53 Speaker 01 Right.
24:54 Speaker 02 It's, it's really tough, you know? Uh, uh, people who are working really, really hard at jobs that, like, they would have been trying to move on from by now, are like, I'm just fucking grateful there's some money coming in.
25:03 Speaker 01 Cause like, full stop, like, I was a staff writer on Dave, and so, with that credit and with what my episode did, you know, it was a Hollywood Reporter, top ten episode of TV that year. Just saying, just saying. Uh, I shouldn't have had to be a staff writer again, but it was just like, this was the job that was offered, there's like no other comedy writing jobs right now, so what was I supposed to say? Well, I'm not supposed to be a staff writer, so I'm not taking this, so I took the job.
25:26 Speaker 02 Right.
25:26 Speaker 01 And so, it is what it is, but I definitely would like to be a level up, you know?
25:32 Speaker 02 It would be great. I love to level up, it's one of my favorite things.
25:35 Speaker 01 More, buddy.
25:36 Speaker 02 Uh, we have a voicemail from our listeners.
25:37 Speaker 01 Oh, shit.
25:38 Speaker 02 If you don't mind.
25:38 Speaker 01 Do I need to put these on?
25:39 Speaker 02 Yo, yeah, or, uh, hold it up if you don't want to put them all the way on, it'll help you hear it.
25:44 Speaker 01 Alright.
25:45 Speaker 02 Okay, Casey, what do we have?
25:48 Speaker 03 Hey Diva, I was just wondering which company you wanna see go bankrupt so Spirit Halloween can move in and give their building some real purpose? Uh, I feel like I betray my fellow Caucasian queers when I say I would like Trader Joe's to be a host for Spirit Halloween to reside in. I just feel like that's the right move. Thank you so much and I love you and I love your podcast and I love everything that you do, similar to a cult follower. Alright, love ya.
26:17 Speaker 02 Mm-hmm. The girls are long-winded. The girls are long-winded. But the question ultimately is, what, what company do you wanna see go bankrupt first?
26:25 Speaker 01 Ooh.
26:26 Speaker 02 Oh, I got mine.
26:27 Speaker 01 I got mine too.
26:28 Speaker 02 You go ahead.
26:28 Speaker 01 Chase Bank, fuck you.
26:31 Speaker 01 Bitch ass nigga. All them fucking, uh, all them fees, we broke!
26:36 Speaker 02 Uh-huh.
26:37 Speaker 01 How you charging me for not having money?
26:39 Speaker 02 What else?
26:39 Speaker 01 Dude!
26:40 Speaker 02 Tell 'em.
26:40 Speaker 01 And then, a lot of people don't know this, I'm about to air y'all out. JP Morgan, Chase, the reason how they got their money,
26:46 Speaker 02 Right.
26:46 Speaker 01 They did slave insurance.
26:48 Speaker 02 Tell 'em, Niles.
26:48 Speaker 01 They used to give slave masters, uh, insurance. Like, they sold insurance to slave masters on their slaves and that's how they got the money to start their bank.
26:56 Speaker 02 Fuck Chase. What'd they do to you? I know they did something. This isn't just-
26:59 Speaker 01 Them fees, bro.
27:00 Speaker 02 You overdrafted.
27:01 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
27:04 Speaker 01 Every time.
27:05 Speaker 02 Yeah, and they're, they're hitting you with a fee every time?
27:06 Speaker 01 That's cra- thirty-five dollars for being broke is crazy.
27:09 Speaker 02 It is cra- overdraft fees are psychotic.
27:11 Speaker 01 So...
27:12 Speaker 02 You're gonna charge me 'cause I don't have money? I don't, I can't pay you, I don't have money.
27:14 Speaker 01 Yeah, I, I just feel like if you can't beat me in a fight, you can't do that.
27:18 Speaker 02 Yeah.
27:19 Speaker 01 And I've seen the people that are tellers at Chase, y'all can't fight.
27:22 Speaker 02 Well, they can't even work. Don't get me started. I went, I went into Chase the other day. I'm sorry, I have had it. I've also had it with Chase. It's not my pick, but I go in there, there's seven people working, they direct me to a self-serve kiosk. Pardon? Pardon? The self-serve kiosk? Uh-uh. I'm, I'm like, this is crazy, I wanna have a little conversation.
27:39 Speaker 01 And they don't even have the lollipops no more.
27:40 Speaker 02 No, it's fucked up. It's fucked up.
27:43 Speaker 01 Yeah, so fuck y'all.
27:44 Speaker 02 Fuck Chase. I'm with it. I do, I think, I do a lot of banking with y'all though. Thank you for your, your service, for holding my money for me. Um, my pick, Elon Musk's whole deal.
27:54 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
27:55 Speaker 02 Yeah, I'd like to see him, I'd like to see him, oh, man, I wanna see him lose so bad.
27:59 Speaker 01 I would love to see Tesla go bankrupt.
28:00 Speaker 02 I mean, he's already lost 'cause he's like an irredeemable fucking dork. Every time he jumps, he loses a little more, but like, I do wanna see him broke. There's one person in the whole country that I wanna see unhoused and it's Elon Musk.
28:10 Speaker 01 It would be beautiful. Nah, that would, him homeless would be great.
28:13 Speaker 02 I'd like to see him as one of my unhoused neighbors, for sure. And I'd like to, I'd like to make sure that he really feels it. I do, I, yeah, the fuck that guy. His little jumps are so gay, too. Quit with the little jumps. Quit with the little jumps. Why is he jumping? Why is he jumping?
28:30 Speaker 01 I hate Elon Musk, bro.
28:32 Speaker 02 I don't, can anyone tell me what's with the little jumps?
28:37 Speaker 02 Autism? I've met autistic people that don't jump. I've met some cool autistic people and they're not acting that-
28:43 Speaker 01 I like that.
28:44 Speaker 02 Yeah.
28:48 Speaker 02 A company to go bankrupt, Chase is a good one. Elon Musk's whole deal is a good one.
28:52 Speaker 01 Hell, yeah.
28:52 Speaker 02 I wonder if I have any other companies I hate? Uh, probably most of them. I guess like BP Oil.
28:58 Speaker 01 Yeah.
28:58 Speaker 02 Uh, Abercrombie and Fitch. Just because of what they did to me in middle school.
29:02 Speaker 01 What'd they do?
29:02 Speaker 02 Well, everyone was wearing it and they didn't have my size.
29:04 Speaker 01 Oh, okay.
29:05 Speaker 02 So I, I got, I have beef with Abercrombie and Fitch and Hollister.
29:08 Speaker 01 I never, I never wore those.
29:10 Speaker 02 You didn't?
29:10 Speaker 01 No.
29:10 Speaker 02 See, I didn't either. Well, okay. So it was a double whammy because not only was I too fat to wear them, but were we to find the money? We didn't have the money. It was like- It, it, uh, we, uh, we were too poor and I was too fat.
29:21 Speaker 01 That's funny. Yeah, I was wearing like South Pole.
29:24 Speaker 02 Uh huh.
29:24 Speaker 01 And FUBU and-
29:25 Speaker 02 Were those the cool brands at your school?
29:27 Speaker 01 Uh, there's black people was wearing it.
29:29 Speaker 02 Yeah.
29:29 Speaker 01 Yeah. Yeah.
29:32 Speaker 02 Pe- but the cool brands at your school, like, was it, did you go to a mostly black school?
29:35 Speaker 01 No, no. I went, so I went to a private school.
29:38 Speaker 02 Really?
29:39 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm. In Mississippi, yeah.
29:40 Speaker 02 I didn't even know that they had private schools in Mississippi.
29:42 Speaker 01 So, there's my chance to explain this.
29:44 Speaker 02 Yeah.
29:44 Speaker 01 So when I say pri- pe- when I say private school, people think I like, went to the school Will and Carlton went to, right?
29:51 Speaker 02 Right.
29:51 Speaker 01 No. So, private schools in Mississippi are very different. We have two very good private schools in Mississippi. Jackson Prep and Jackson Academy.
29:58 Speaker 02 Yeah.
29:58 Speaker 01 Um, every other private school in Mississippi is what you would call a segregation school.
30:03 Speaker 02 Right.
30:04 Speaker 01 Where if you look at the estat- when they were established, they were all established from the year like 1959 to 1966. And eventually, uh, ba- basically they were created so white families didn't have to put their kids in schools with black kids.
30:15 Speaker 02 100%.
30:15 Speaker 01 So they're like private, so they're private schools because they're private, but they cost like $200 to go to.
30:21 Speaker 02 Right.
30:21 Speaker 01 So like you have private schools in Mississippi where they like meet in a barn, but it's a private school.
30:24 Speaker 02 Yeah.
30:25 Speaker 01 And so like, the private school education isn't better, it's not like we were getting better food or like had all this. Like, I didn't have a Spanish teacher in ninth grade, Caleb.
30:33 Speaker 02 Yeah.
30:34 Speaker 01 You don't know what he did in ninth grade for Spanish? We sat in a computer lab and my football coach sat in the desk behind us and we did Rosetta Stone.
30:43 Speaker 01 I was in there clicking on shapes like I was at Ellis Island, bro.
30:50 Speaker 02 Not, they always have the football coach doing this shit.
30:52 Speaker 01 Yeah, cuz he, cuz he don't care. He's just like, yeah, this isn't bad.
30:55 Speaker 02 Yeah.
30:55 Speaker 01 But like, I did not have a Spanish teacher in high school and I went to private school.
30:59 Speaker 02 Yeah, so did you go to one of the two good ones?
31:01 Speaker 01 No.
31:01 Speaker 02 No, you went to one of the other ones?
31:02 Speaker 01 I wanted to, so, uh, both schools, so I was a track athlete and a football player. And so like, both schools wanted me to come run track and play football there.
31:10 Speaker 02 Yeah.
31:10 Speaker 01 And my parents were just like, nah.
31:12 Speaker 02 Obsessed with your parents being like, no.
31:14 Speaker 01 Yeah.
31:14 Speaker 02 No, he's chilling where he's at, actually. Thank you. What position you play football?
31:17 Speaker 01 Uh, I was a DB.
31:19 Speaker 02 Whoa, okay. Uh, I didn't know that there were private schools in Mississippi cuz there were none where I grew up.
31:24 Speaker 01 Yeah.
31:24 Speaker 02 Like, we did not have, that's the thing, I, I don't understand about like, charters and stuff where I'm like, yeah, we just all go to school wherever we live.
31:31 Speaker 01 Exactly.
31:32 Speaker 02 Where I'm from.
31:32 Speaker 01 Right.
31:33 Speaker 02 So I don't understand a lot of it.
31:34 Speaker 01 Most, like rural places, that's how it is. But Mississippi's a different breed.
31:38 Speaker 02 Yeah, Mississippi is a different breed.
31:39 Speaker 01 Yeah.
31:39 Speaker 02 You love Mississippi, though?
31:41 Speaker 01 Um, I love how funny it made me.
31:44 Speaker 02 Yeah.
31:44 Speaker 01 Cuz the, as a state, it just doesn't make sense. Like, we abolished slavery in 2012.
31:49 Speaker 02 Yeah.
31:49 Speaker 01 Like, just things about Mississippi are just like the craziest shit.
31:52 Speaker 02 Better wait to never.
31:53 Speaker 01 Right.
31:53 Speaker 02 But would have preferred to see it happen sooner, yeah.
31:55 Speaker 01 Would've been nice, you know, but 2012, wait, that was 12 years ago.
31:58 Speaker 02 What happened in 2012 that they were like, you know what?
32:00 Speaker 01 Uh, Obama killed Osama bin Laden.
32:04 Speaker 02 Oh, really?
32:04 Speaker 01 And I think people in Mississippi were like, yeah, we should free him.
32:06 Speaker 02 People were like, you know what? Fuck it.
32:07 Speaker 01 Fuck it.
32:08 Speaker 02 If he's doing all that kinda stuff, yeah.
32:12 Speaker 02 That's so funny. So Mississippi, and then you, you grew up in Mississippi, you moved to New York?
32:17 Speaker 01 Uh, I moved here when I was 20.
32:19 Speaker 02 You moved here first?
32:20 Speaker 01 Yeah.
32:21 Speaker 02 And then you moved to New York. What was that move from LA to New York like? Were you just fed up?
32:24 Speaker 01 I was just fed up.
32:25 Speaker 02 Yeah.
32:25 Speaker 01 Cuz I was like, I had all these like, movies written and these pilots written and it just like, nothing was happening. I had, I probably, in 2020 and 2020, cuz I got read by CAA in 2021. So like, 2020, 2021, I probably had like, over 30 staffing interviews.
32:41 Speaker 02 Yeah.
32:42 Speaker 01 Like, all these TV shows. Any show that calls itself a comedy, I have interviewed for that show.
32:46 Speaker 02 Yeah.
32:47 Speaker 01 To write for. And I was just kinda like, well, none of these shows wanna hire me. That was like, every show.
32:51 Speaker 02 Yeah.
32:52 Speaker 01 Then what's the point of doing this shit? And so I just moved, I just like, I'm moving to New York and I'm just gonna do stand-up full-time.
32:57 Speaker 02 Yeah.
32:57 Speaker 01 And then I got a call.
32:59 Speaker 02 And then immediately got the thing. That's how it works. As soon as you give it up.
33:02 Speaker 01 Yeah. That's why I think I'll sell the show cuz I low-key don't want it.
33:05 Speaker 02 Yeah.
33:05 Speaker 01 Cuz I kinda like the freedom of like, just doing stuff.
33:09 Speaker 02 Well, the nice thing about stand-up is it's like the one thing they can't take from us.
33:12 Speaker 01 Exactly.
33:12 Speaker 02 It's like, I can stand up in a room with a microphone and make people laugh. You guys cannot, no industry, uh, calibration or pivot or whatever the fuck they're calling it every time they blow up the industry for some rich guy. You can't, there's nothing you can do about what I do.
33:24 Speaker 01 Nothing. It's dope. It's like, especially once you get like a little audience, man, if you're good at this shit, you can really do this forever.
33:30 Speaker 02 Yeah.
33:31 Speaker 01 So, yeah, it's just like, I am blessed to be a stand-up comic, so I do know that like, once you do a TV show, it takes so much away from that. But.
33:39 Speaker 02 Well, it's a full-time job.
33:40 Speaker 01 Yeah.
33:41 Speaker 02 Yeah. Freedom, I do think freedom is the biggest thing I think about all the time. And like, in terms of what I want in my life long-term, the only thing I'm certain of is I would like to be left alone anytime that I ask.
33:51 Speaker 01 Oh, my god. You understand me.
33:52 Speaker 02 Yeah, I'm like, just don't, if I, if I don't wanna be ta, if I don't wanna work for a couple of months, if I don't wanna be talked to, that's the only thing that's important to me, is that I get to go, I'm, no, I'm not doing that.
34:00 Speaker 01 A lot of people don't get that.
34:02 Speaker 02 Uh, which is crazy to me because-
34:03 Speaker 01 I think, I'm just like, doesn't everybody want that?
34:05 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, I'm like, isn't that the number one thing?
34:07 Speaker 01 No.
34:07 Speaker 02 Yeah.
34:08 Speaker 01 I, I don't get, I, I love being left alone.
34:11 Speaker 02 I do, I wanna be, yeah.
34:12 Speaker 01 This male loneliness epidemic thing that, have you seen this? Every time I listen to the internet?
34:16 Speaker 02 Yeah.
34:16 Speaker 01 One, I don't think it's real, I just think y'all don't get no hoes, but-
34:18 Speaker 02 Yeah.
34:21 Speaker 01 Secondly, male loneliness, I love, leave me alone, please.
34:25 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
34:26 Speaker 01 I have a Playstation, a nice condo, I'm like, I got Postmates, I don't wanna see none of y'all.
34:31 Speaker 02 Yeah.
34:31 Speaker 01 It's great.
34:32 Speaker 02 I think you are maybe what they're talking about, though.
34:34 Speaker 01 Really?
34:34 Speaker 02 You're sitting in the house playing video games, but is anyone coming over or anything?
34:38 Speaker 01 No.
34:38 Speaker 02 Niles, how, how you doing, brother?
34:40 Speaker 01 I'm doing great.
34:42 Speaker 01 Like, I have friends and when I wanna see them, I go see them.
34:45 Speaker 02 See them, yeah.
34:45 Speaker 01 I love just like, being by myself for like, three days straight, and then somebody calls me like, yo, where you been at? I'm like, at home.
34:52 Speaker 02 In the house.
34:53 Speaker 01 At, at home.
34:54 Speaker 02 Where I pay rent.
34:54 Speaker 01 Exactly.
34:55 Speaker 02 Next question.
34:55 Speaker 01 This shit expensive. Let me spend time with this thing I spent so much money on.
34:59 Speaker 02 Yeah.
34:59 Speaker 01 My, my room.
35:00 Speaker 02 What do you think, what do you think, uh, okay, so, but, I agree with you, male loneliness epidemic, I have no, these guys who complain about the male loneliness epidemic, I'm like-
35:08 Speaker 01 Well, it's their fault.
35:08 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's your fault, and also, oh, god, how pathetic could you be?
35:11 Speaker 01 Exactly.
35:12 Speaker 02 Going online and being like, I'm offended by an epidemic.
35:17 Speaker 01 I'm by myself.
35:21 Speaker 02 It's like, oh, God.
35:23 Speaker 01 Bro, and they, they, those would be like the most homophobic dudes.
35:26 Speaker 02 That's the thing is, I'm like, you're lonely because you suck.
35:29 Speaker 01 Yeah.
35:29 Speaker 02 You mean to women.
35:30 Speaker 01 You listen to a bunch of Andrew Tate, you read the women, because I told somebody the other day, it's like, how do you expect to do all these things women don't like and be like, why are women around me?
35:39 Speaker 02 Yeah.
35:41 Speaker 01 And they, they, you know, and then to complain about it online is the funniest shit.
35:45 Speaker 02 I saw a straight guy tweet the other day, I was on Twitter for my weekly punishment, and I saw a straight guy tweet the other day, like, fellas, the best advice I can give you in dating so you don't end up with like a woke scold woman is on the first date, just drop the R word a couple of times and see how she responds. Men are acting like this.
36:03 Speaker 01 What? And I guarantee you, he was like 36.
36:06 Speaker 02 Yeah, and he's a victim of the male loneliness epidemic as well. It's like, what are you talking about?
36:11 Speaker 01 Drop the R word a little bit.
36:14 Speaker 02 Now, of course, that's kind of funny.
36:17 Speaker 01 Oh, it's hilarious.
36:18 Speaker 02 But, but.
36:20 Speaker 01 To suggest that as a dating tip?
36:22 Speaker 02 Yeah.
36:23 Speaker 01 And then be like, why am I lonely?
36:25 Speaker 02 It's kind of funny to be like, yeah, on first dates, I do the R word litmus test. Yes, of course, that's kind of funny in theory, but these are the same guys that'll be like, the universe has conspired against me to make sure that I'm lonely. It's like, or you're a fucking loser.
36:38 Speaker 01 Yeah, man. Look, and, and so, hey, sometimes, and you also, you gotta have standards. I remember I was over a couple of years ago, I was at this girl's crib, we were in her room, and some Baby Keem was playing, and she was like, what is this? This is terrible. And I left.
36:53 Speaker 01 She had her clothes off and everything.
36:54 Speaker 02 Yeah.
36:55 Speaker 01 Like, you're not, you're not, you're not disrespecting Kendrick Lamar's nephew like that.
36:58 Speaker 02 Yeah.
36:59 Speaker 01 So I left.
37:01 Speaker 01 You gotta have morals and principles you stand on, kid.
37:03 Speaker 02 Yeah, and that's your big one.
37:04 Speaker 01 Yeah.
37:04 Speaker 02 Yeah.
37:05 Speaker 01 You don't disrespect Baby Keem around me.
37:06 Speaker 02 Yeah, and I never would.
37:07 Speaker 01 Thank you.
37:07 Speaker 02 You know that about me.
37:08 Speaker 01 Thank you.
37:08 Speaker 02 I do, there is something going on in the culture, like losers used to be embarrassed.
37:13 Speaker 01 Well, there's no shame anymore.
37:14 Speaker 02 Yeah, nobody's scared to be a loser anymore.
37:16 Speaker 01 Shame can get you paid.
37:17 Speaker 02 Yeah.
37:17 Speaker 01 You, you couldn't go viral for being a loser 20 years ago.
37:20 Speaker 02 Yeah.
37:21 Speaker 01 You like, you were like on that one episode of American Idol where they show all the bad people.
37:25 Speaker 02 Yeah.
37:26 Speaker 01 And then that was it.
37:27 Speaker 02 Did you see the, did you see the girl who, um... This is probably pretty dated by the time this episode comes out, but I'll say it anyway. Did you see the girl whose boyfriend, uh, asked her to move back to Texas with him?
37:36 Speaker 01 Mm-mm.
37:37 Speaker 02 You see that? You guys see that?
37:38 Speaker 01 Where do they live currently?
37:39 Speaker 02 Well, there's this girl, she was, she, she made this whole like TikTok video that was like her like sobbing into the camera. And be, which I, I have quite feelings about that.
37:48 Speaker 01 I hate when people cry on.
37:49 Speaker 02 I do too, and you know what? I recorded, I recorded a video the other day. I was trying to make a video for this abortion rights thing in Missouri.
37:54 Speaker 01 Okay.
37:55 Speaker 02 And I got, I got worked up enough that I started crying, tears coming out of my eyes. And you know what? I said, this is really powerful. People would really like this. I'm not fucking posting it. I'm not posting it. You know, so there are like, there are like three videos of me in my phone crying about abortion rights. And I said, no post. No post.
38:11 Speaker 01 We don't need that.
38:12 Speaker 02 The, the static images will have to do.
38:14 Speaker 01 That's almost as bad as, uh, what's her name? Goga Dot singing.
38:17 Speaker 02 Yes, yes. It's manipulative too. I'm like, I don't want you to care about this because I got worked up and mad at Republicans and started, tears came out.
38:25 Speaker 01 Already care about this? I'm just reminding you to go take action.
38:28 Speaker 02 Go vote. Yeah. But she was posting, she was like, she was like, oh, my boyfriend, we lived in LA and he went, he said he wanted to, yeah, let's play it. I guess we have it. Do we need headphones? Oh, we're playing.
38:39 Speaker 01 I'm definitely, so I see thumbnails all the time and whenever I see, I just, I'm like, yeah, I'm not, I'm not looking at this.
38:45 Speaker 02 So you live in LA with your boyfriend, everything's going amazing, they're doing pottery. That's how you know. He says, babe, I want to move back to Texas. To be closer to my dad. Now, mind you, he says, I want to move back to be closer to my dad. So she gives up her career. Including her improv troupe.
39:02 Speaker 01 She probably, she probably wasn't good.
39:04 Speaker 02 Uh, look, uh, giving up your improv troupe is not a sacrifice you're making for him.
39:09 Speaker 01 No.
39:09 Speaker 02 That's, that's called growing up.
39:11 Speaker 01 Right.
39:12 Speaker 02 As someone who did improv well into his twenties. The future you want, she wants to be old with him. So yeah, basically we don't have to watch the whole thing, but basically what happens is.
39:20 Speaker 01 Oh no, we're watching the whole thing. I need to see all of this.
39:22 Speaker 02 So she's so happy that they're doing Texas. He goes on family vacation without her.
39:28 Speaker 01 Right, but.
39:29 Speaker 02 Yes.
39:32 Speaker 02 That we have something in common, we're incompatible. He says, "We have nothing in common, we're incompatible," he says to her in a note.
39:38 Speaker 02 She says, "Oh no." Now she's crying again on camera.
39:40 Speaker 01 This is the beginning of a Kristen Wiig movie, I just can't remember which one.
39:44 Speaker 02 Yeah, now mind you, he does belong in prison.
39:46 Speaker 01 Yeah, this is terrible.
39:47 Speaker 02 I'm not team him.
39:48 Speaker 01 Why would you put this woman through that?
39:51 Speaker 02 And then she shows the pottery picture again to be like, "What do you mean, we have nothing in common?" And she's crying on camera again. Every time she cried for like two months, she got that camera out.
40:02 Speaker 01 This is so mean, you know how hard it is to get an apartment in LA?
40:05 Speaker 02 Yeah.
40:06 Speaker 01 So she wants to come back here, she has to...
40:08 Speaker 02 She has to, now she's in Florida living with her mom, she's crying with her mom. So yeah, this is the, this, what do you think of this? What do you think of that?
40:16 Speaker 01 I mean, look, the patriarchy one.
40:20 Speaker 02 Yeah.
40:21 Speaker 01 Um...
40:21 Speaker 02 He's a bad guy.
40:22 Speaker 01 He's a terrible person.
40:24 Speaker 02 Yeah.
40:24 Speaker 01 He should go to jail for that, for like a little bit.
40:26 Speaker 02 No, that's, we should have a type of jail, I've been saying this. We should have a type of jail that's cool.
40:32 Speaker 01 Yeah.
40:32 Speaker 02 But it's like, you lose a couple, creature comforts.
40:34 Speaker 01 It's like timeout.
40:35 Speaker 02 It's literally timeout, and we should have a committee of your peers that say, "Yeah, man, you can't be in the streets for like a month."
40:40 Speaker 01 No, because I feel like a lot of dudes, a lot of times, you need somebody, you actually care about their opinion to tell you, "You fucking up."
40:47 Speaker 02 Yeah.
40:48 Speaker 01 And like, he needs some people to be like, "Bro."
40:50 Speaker 02 Come on.
40:50 Speaker 01 Come on.
40:51 Speaker 02 Where's the, also where's the dad in all this? He goes on vacation with the dad, and we moved back to be close to him, his dad was like, "Hand her a note."
40:58 Speaker 01 That's the other thing, like, you couldn't have a real conversation with her?
41:00 Speaker 02 Well, that's the thing, loser, losers are, are winning right now. Cowardice is big right now.
41:06 Speaker 01 That was very cowardice.
41:06 Speaker 02 It's cowardly.
41:07 Speaker 01 You blew up her entire life, and now she in Florida with her mom? Yeah, nah, he need to go to real prison.
41:13 Speaker 02 Okay. Forget our little jail idea.
41:16 Speaker 01 Yeah dudes, anything could, anything could happen to her out there in Florida.
41:19 Speaker 02 I think I would say to her...
41:21 Speaker 01 Lot of meth.
41:22 Speaker 02 "Don't do meth in Florida," that'd be my number one thing. Number two, less crying, less crying videos in the video.
41:27 Speaker 01 Yeah, you gotta stop that, baby girl.
41:28 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's not for you, it's not projecting what we wanted to project. And for him, I would say, "Yeah, for sure, bro, a little bit of prison."
41:33 Speaker 01 A little bit of prison.
41:34 Speaker 02 Just a little bit of prison.
41:35 Speaker 01 Like six months.
41:36 Speaker 02 Yeah.
41:36 Speaker 01 Yeah.
41:36 Speaker 02 I thought the other day, while I was watching The Purge.
41:39 Speaker 01 Okay.
41:41 Speaker 01 This about to, this about to get deep.
41:42 Speaker 02 Yeah. I was watching The Purge and I was like, it would be, like you know how if you get, if the, if the government passes something you don't like and you get like 400,000 signatures?
41:52 Speaker 01 Okay.
41:52 Speaker 02 We can send it to a vote, like a, a, a ballot item about different policies. If there's someone who really wronged you, like someone who really, like you think like Bernie Madoff, for example. There should be like, if I can gain enough signatures, I get to kill that guy. You know what I mean? Like if I can get enough people to agree that I should kill that guy, I should get a chance to kill that guy.
42:11 Speaker 01 Oh shit.
42:13 Speaker 02 Only if they do something egregious, like Bernie Madoff, like stealing money from seniors.
42:16 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's crazy.
42:17 Speaker 02 You know, something like that, that's like, come on.
42:21 Speaker 02 But not the death, the government shouldn't get to do it.
42:23 Speaker 01 The government shouldn't get to do it.
42:23 Speaker 02 I know, Chance is shaking his head like I'm talking about the death penalty. Not the death penalty.
42:27 Speaker 01 That could get real shaky.
42:28 Speaker 02 Yeah.
42:28 Speaker 01 Cause the way white women came for John Mulaney online last year, they would've got his ass.
42:33 Speaker 02 They would've got the signatures. Fuck.
42:35 Speaker 01 They would've got enough signatures.
42:36 Speaker 02 Yeah.
42:37 Speaker 01 And then they would just get to a point where white ladies could just kill whoever they want.
42:39 Speaker 02 They're gonna kill me.
42:43 Speaker 01 That was really good.
42:43 Speaker 02 White women are gathering the signatures. That one wasn't as good. I lost the, I lost the juice on the second one.
42:48 Speaker 01 That was good.
42:49 Speaker 02 I would hate if he got killed.
42:50 Speaker 01 I know, he makes me happy.
42:51 Speaker 02 Yeah, he's a good stand-up.
42:52 Speaker 01 Yeah.
42:53 Speaker 02 He gives a fuck about writing a joke.
42:54 Speaker 01 That, dude, he, I was talking about the other day, of the famous comedians that sell arena, I saw him do an arena on Long Island, uh, during the New York Festival a couple of years ago. And it was the set he did on his most recent Netflix special. And I was just blown away because it's just like, most comedians that get to that level, they just, they phoned it in by then.
43:12 Speaker 02 Yeah.
43:13 Speaker 01 So it's like to see him like really doing punchlines and setups and jokes and really being vulnerable, which I think a lot of famous comedians don't do anymore.
43:21 Speaker 02 Yeah.
43:22 Speaker 01 Like he really was like, on his last one, he was really kinda on some Richard Pryor shit. Like when Richard Pryor was talking about getting burned up when he was doing crack and everything, like John Mulaney really talking about rehab and how he failed and like ordering the Outback, like that shit was, shit was great.
43:35 Speaker 02 Yeah. Also real as fuck ordering Outback, come on. That's how I would be.
43:39 Speaker 01 If I was in a facility, I would, I'd be like, I should at least get some Outback.
43:43 Speaker 02 Do you know, the closest I came to something like this, when I shot, uh, Jurassic, when we filmed Jurassic World in 2020 in COVID London.
43:50 Speaker 01 Okay.
43:51 Speaker 02 Okay, we're outside of London, we're on a fucking farm ground, like it's all of us, everyone has to stay in the same.
43:57 Speaker 01 Cause we're all in a bubble.
43:57 Speaker 02 We're in the bubble. And that's what they made that movie, they made that movie about Jurassic. So we're all there. I'm talking like Jeff Goldblum's kids are in the room next to me, Up Early, Being Loud, and. That's all I'm saying. No shade to Jeff, but your kids are up early being loud.
44:11 Speaker 01 You felt that?
44:12 Speaker 02 Yeah, your kids are up early being loud, that's all. We're all on the same property and for, for two weeks, that was the quarantine period at the time. For two, I get to London for two weeks. They put me in that room. They, the only people I see in a day are, I, we can only order, they come and COVID test you every day. You can only order food from the hotel. So the little five, and by the way, this is not a, a hotel with like a big menu. This is not-
44:34 Speaker 01 That's what I was about to say. They got chicken tenders.
44:36 Speaker 02 Not even. This was a, this was a fancy place. So it was like chicken piccata, white fish. It was like a small menu.
44:43 Speaker 01 So probably when you find the one thing you like, you probably just keep eating that.
44:46 Speaker 02 I did. I, yeah, it was like a, it was like a, a fish and a fish and like steamed vegetables thing that turned out to be the best for me. Had to order it every day and I was, so I was during the day just quarantining, not allowed to go on a walk. I think eventually after a week, you got to go on a walk by yourself at a certain place and then-
45:04 Speaker 01 Walked in a circle?
45:05 Speaker 02 You could only walk in a certain area on the property. It was like the COVID walking area.
45:09 Speaker 01 Oh shit.
45:09 Speaker 02 And then at night I was in the writer's room for human resources. So I was working five to midnight in the writer's room on Zoom. I was losing, I've never come so close to like just doing something insane, like just like shaving my head or something. Like I was losing my mind and I, I swear to God, I was sitting in that room sometimes just staring at the wall. Like I could almost see Chili's, you know, like I could almost, I could almost see a Buffalo Wild Wings server bringing a plate of wings to me.
45:33 Speaker 01 And you were, you were in London. So it's like-
45:35 Speaker 02 There's nothing to do and I could, you couldn't, you weren't allowed to DoorDash. You weren't allowed, because no one could come onto the property. I also got in trouble because I didn't understand, this is like my first big thing.
45:45 Speaker 01 Yeah.
45:46 Speaker 02 And I didn't understand-
45:46 Speaker 01 We all get in trouble on our first, but yeah, I got in trouble on my first one.
45:49 Speaker 02 When I pulled up from the, you know, they had me in like a, they picked me up in like a suburban from the airport and they drove me outside London to this like, the estate was beautiful and because they, which, you know, they had to put Laura Dern there. So it had to be nice.
46:01 Speaker 01 Right.
46:01 Speaker 02 They weren't doing that for me, you know?
46:03 Speaker 01 This is big little lies, Laura Dern.
46:04 Speaker 02 Yes. And so we pulled up and there's this, you pull into this like down this long, it used to be a royal hunting ground.
46:09 Speaker 01 Okay.
46:09 Speaker 02 So you pull down this long, beautiful driveway with like a big circle drive in front of the two main properties and like these huge fountains. It's made by colonialism and the fountains are so beautiful in the sunshine. And I took a little video and posted it to my Instagram story.
46:22 Speaker 01 Oh yeah.
46:23 Speaker 02 Immediate email that was like, hi. So people can tell you like, it was like, don't blow up Jeff Goldblum's spot. His kids are being loud in the next room. People can't know where y'all are staying.
46:32 Speaker 01 He almost doxed Jeff Goldblum.
46:33 Speaker 02 I almost got Jeff Goldblum's kids in trouble. Yeah. So, that was what happened.
46:37 Speaker 01 Yeah.
46:38 Speaker 02 But I was, the Outback thing is real. I was there for ten minutes and I was like, get me something, get me something.
46:43 Speaker 01 Cabin Fever.
46:44 Speaker 02 Yeah, and then they brought, they would do like grocery store runs and you could ask for I call snacks if you wanted them. You'd be like, oh, bring me some of this, that or the other. But it's British snacks, so it's bullshit.
46:51 Speaker 01 Oh, hell no.
46:53 Speaker 02 British.
46:53 Speaker 01 That's the, that's, that's the one people I'm xenophobic too.
46:57 Speaker 02 Oh, I've got a lot.
46:58 Speaker 01 And I think that's okay.
46:59 Speaker 02 I've got a whole list of people I'm xenophobic towards.
47:01 Speaker 01 Well, you're from Missouri.
47:02 Speaker 02 I go, I go, oh fuck, I've been meaning to say, okay, yeah, who am I xenophobic towards? Um, I've been meaning to bring this one up. You know, I have a problem, I do have a problem with, um, like, New Zealand and Australian people.
47:16 Speaker 01 Yeah.
47:17 Speaker 02 Like.
47:17 Speaker 01 The hands worse, don't do it for you?
47:18 Speaker 02 Some of, no, let's not get crazy.
47:26 Speaker 02 Some of them, no, I really, actually, I think it's just New Zealand people, uh, if I'm being serious.
47:29 Speaker 01 I don't think I've ever met one.
47:30 Speaker 02 I like Australian people. Oh, you know what? The other night, I went to dinner in LA and guess who I saw?
47:36 Speaker 01 Who?
47:36 Speaker 02 Melanie Linsky.
47:38 Speaker 01 I don't know that name.
47:39 Speaker 02 Niles. You don't know who Melanie Linsky is?
47:42 Speaker 01 I don't be knowing white people, I'm sorry.
47:44 Speaker 02 No, it's okay.
47:44 Speaker 01 I met too many early on in my life.
47:46 Speaker 02 She's one of the whites you should know.
47:47 Speaker 01 Okay.
47:47 Speaker 02 I would put her on like Hollywood Reporter's Whites You Should Know list.
47:50 Speaker 01 Really?
47:50 Speaker 02 Yeah, Melanie Linsky, oh, Melanie Linsky, look how beautiful she is.
47:55 Speaker 01 Oh, I know her.
47:55 Speaker 02 Melanie Linsky, everybody.
47:57 Speaker 01 I didn't know her name.
47:57 Speaker 02 Oh my god, she's so beautiful and talented, I didn't say hi to her because, I could, I'm gonna cry. I, I didn't say hi to her because we've, she followed me on Twitter, we follow each other on Twitter, but I'm not really on there anymore like that. But she followed me for a long time, she's the most talented actress that we maybe have living.
48:13 Speaker 01 Yeah, she's good, yeah, she's on Yellowjacket, yeah.
48:15 Speaker 02 She's incredible in everything she does, and I wanted to say hi to her, but I didn't want to bother her, she was with her husband, who's very handsome. Um, and they were, they were having a dinner maybe with some friends or something. I wanted to say hi, but I didn't want to bother them.
48:26 Speaker 01 Yeah.
48:27 Speaker 02 So, but Melanie Linsky, wow, I would kill to work with you, queen.
48:31 Speaker 01 Well, so is she like Australian or something?
48:33 Speaker 02 Well, she's New Zealand, that's what I'm saying, she redeems, she redeems that whole region.
48:36 Speaker 01 Okay, and Margot Robbie's cool.
48:38 Speaker 02 Yeah.
48:39 Speaker 01 Well, yeah, keep her.
48:40 Speaker 02 Yeah, we'll keep her. She's Whites You Should Know.
48:41 Speaker 01 Yeah.
48:42 Speaker 02 We should make, you and I should collab on an industry list called Whites You Should Know.
48:45 Speaker 01 I think we should do that.
48:46 Speaker 02 Yeah.
48:46 Speaker 01 Yeah, well, because you know, white people are doing so bad right now.
48:48 Speaker 02 That's what I'm saying. Can we help white people?
48:50 Speaker 01 We gotta, they need to do-
48:51 Speaker 02 What if that was my big thing? I was like, Niles, we gotta do something for white people. That was my big, my big cause de jour. Niles, help me do something for white people.
48:58 Speaker 01 Oh, my god.
48:59 Speaker 02 Well, we could do one for every group.
49:01 Speaker 01 Yeah.
49:01 Speaker 02 Gays you should know.
49:02 Speaker 01 Yeah.
49:03 Speaker 02 Yeah.
49:03 Speaker 01 Yeah.
49:04 Speaker 02 Let's do it.
49:05 Speaker 01 Lil Nas X.
49:06 Speaker 02 Lil Nas X, definitely a gay you should know.
49:07 Speaker 01 He gotta be in there.
49:08 Speaker 02 I'd love to know something about him.
49:09 Speaker 01 He-
49:12 Speaker 02 I'll tell you a couple of things I'd like to know.
49:18 Speaker 02 Who's your celebrity crush?
49:19 Speaker 01 Celebrity, I got a, I got a few.
49:21 Speaker 02 Right.
49:21 Speaker 01 Okay.
49:22 Speaker 02 What's your clipboard?
49:23 Speaker 01 Gabrielle Union's number one.
49:24 Speaker 02 God, you know, I met her.
49:26 Speaker 01 Fuck you.
49:27 Speaker 02 You know, I met Gabrielle Union.
49:28 Speaker 01 Really?
49:28 Speaker 02 Yes.
49:29 Speaker 01 She liked one of my tweets and I almost like, phew, I don't, I can't say that on here.
49:32 Speaker 02 Now, her, now, her and Dwyane Wade?
49:36 Speaker 01 Beautiful couple.
49:37 Speaker 02 God damn.
49:38 Speaker 01 Beautiful couple.
49:39 Speaker 02 That's a couple.
49:39 Speaker 01 I'm happy for him.
49:40 Speaker 02 When God did couples, this is what he was imagining.
49:42 Speaker 01 He was like my favorite basketball player growing up, and then when they got married, he, I had to bump him down to like six.
49:47 Speaker 02 Yeah.
49:48 Speaker 01 Because that pissed me off.
49:48 Speaker 02 They are so beautiful.
49:49 Speaker 01 Yeah, they're beautiful.
49:50 Speaker 02 And so progressive.
49:51 Speaker 01 Yeah.
49:51 Speaker 02 And so cool.
49:52 Speaker 01 Yeah.
49:52 Speaker 02 Their family's so lovely. I had a meeting with Gabrielle Union and we had, we talked for like, me, her and her exec, I think we talked for like an hour and a half.
50:00 Speaker 01 I bet she's amazing.
50:01 Speaker 02 She's so cool. She's so, I, I lo, I've loved her forever. I mean, I'm such a huge fan of hers. And she's just like the nicest, warmest, like, most lovely, brilliant, like thoughtful. I just was like, oh, my god, Gabrielle Union's everything I hope she would be.
50:16 Speaker 01 That's beautiful.
50:16 Speaker 02 Yeah.
50:17 Speaker 01 Does she smell good?
50:18 Speaker 02 Well, it was on the computer.
50:19 Speaker 01 Oh, okay.
50:19 Speaker 02 Yeah. Yeah. It was on the computer. Okay, sue me. All right, this is a test. I wish, yeah, I wish Dwyane Wade was there.
50:30 Speaker 01 See, we think differently, because I would not.
50:32 Speaker 02 Yeah, you don't want him there.
50:33 Speaker 01 I would not want him there.
50:34 Speaker 02 Well, we should go, you know what, we should go to a, we should try to get in a party with them and separate them.
50:38 Speaker 01 Yeah.
50:39 Speaker 02 I'm talking to Dwayne in the corner, I'm like, hey, how's it going, brother? Yeah, I bet, I bet they're fun. I bet they're fun at a party.
50:45 Speaker 01 I bet, I bet they are.
50:46 Speaker 02 Damn. Gabrielle Union, that's a good one.
50:49 Speaker 01 She's my number one, since I was a kid, and I have to say, Eva Longoria.
50:53 Speaker 02 Yep.
50:53 Speaker 01 Because I used to stay, I used to stay with my aunt during the summers.
50:57 Speaker 02 Mm.
50:57 Speaker 01 So I would just always watch these, like, very aunt-y programming.
51:01 Speaker 02 Yes.
51:01 Speaker 01 So it was, I would watch The View.
51:03 Speaker 02 Yep.
51:03 Speaker 01 And Desperate Housewives as a little boy. My dad was starting to be like, hey, all right now.
51:08 Speaker 02 Get these, yeah, get these kids away from these old people.
51:10 Speaker 01 Yeah, so I would, so we would just watch Desperate Housewives like all the time. And so I just fell in love with Gabrielle, uh, what, Gabrielle Solis, her character she would play?
51:18 Speaker 02 Yeah.
51:19 Speaker 01 Eva Longoria, I was like nine, I was like, I love this woman.
51:20 Speaker 02 You're that, you're that meme of that kid being like, I'm turning seven in August, God willing.
51:24 Speaker 01 Right.
51:24 Speaker 02 It's like, get these kids away from these old people.
51:26 Speaker 01 I was just, I was one of those kids, was with old people all the time, so I just watched a lot of old shit.
51:31 Speaker 02 Yeah, I love that.
51:32 Speaker 01 So that, those, they were probably my top two.
51:34 Speaker 02 Were you an adult kid? Were you like, you loved, yeah, me too.
51:36 Speaker 01 I was an eight-year-old preacher.
51:37 Speaker 02 Yes, oh my god, I wish I knew him.
51:40 Speaker 01 So I would, I would preach at church. So I've, I've like been working my entire, I'm so tired.
51:46 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, you've been here.
51:47 Speaker 01 I've been here.
51:48 Speaker 02 You think you've been here before? You believe in that stuff?
51:50 Speaker 01 Absolutely.
51:51 Speaker 02 Yeah.
51:51 Speaker 01 I just know too much.
51:52 Speaker 02 Yeah.
51:53 Speaker 01 Yeah.
51:53 Speaker 02 I see that in you.
51:54 Speaker 01 Yeah.
51:54 Speaker 02 I recognize that in you.
51:55 Speaker 01 I don't like it, though.
51:56 Speaker 02 Yeah.
51:57 Speaker 01 Because I be having to do the right thing.
51:58 Speaker 02 Yeah, I don't like it for you either.
52:00 Speaker 01 Or when I do the wrong thing, I think about it a lot.
52:02 Speaker 02 Yeah.
52:02 Speaker 01 That's how, I don't get like psychopaths at all, like, that don't bother you?
52:06 Speaker 02 Yeah, morals are very cumbersome.
52:07 Speaker 01 Yeah.
52:08 Speaker 02 Yeah, I've been thinking about letting mine go.
52:11 Speaker 01 Sometime, it, look, man, I, you've been in LA for a long time, you should be like, I should push you off a balcony.
52:18 Speaker 02 Yeah, I've been thinking about getting rid of my, my values, just to see what I could do. Free up some, free up some space, you know?
52:24 Speaker 01 Yeah, I mean, that, I would probably see something like, Caleb is worth 300 million dollars and he did it.
52:28 Speaker 02 Yeah, you'll be like, he finally did.
52:29 Speaker 01 He finally did, and I'm gonna ask you for a job.
52:31 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you want to come work for the evil empire.
52:34 Speaker 01 If it's you, I'll do it.
52:35 Speaker 02 I want an evil empire. Chance, will you make a note of that?
52:38 Speaker 01 It looks so fun.
52:39 Speaker 02 Caleb making an evil empire.
52:40 Speaker 01 Like owning Amazon looks so fun.
52:42 Speaker 02 I would do, dude. This is the thing about our rich people right now, they're not being cool.
52:47 Speaker 01 They're, rich people used to be so dope.
52:49 Speaker 02 Were I rich?
52:50 Speaker 01 When I was a kid, no one was saying, "Eat the rich."
52:53 Speaker 02 Yeah.
52:53 Speaker 01 You wanted to hang out with the rich.
52:55 Speaker 02 You wanted to hang out with them because they were, you know what, I will say, there are a lot of times that people come for Kim Kardashian, and they're like, "We gotta eat the rich." Someone just said this because she did a, I think she's awesome. She did a, she did a private screening of Wicked at her house with Cynthia Revo and Ariana Grande, and she spent like $200,000 on flowers to like line the walkway and did like a big, I was like, "This is cool." This is what rich people should be doing, do the silliest, most expensive shit. But then you should be like giving, I just Venmo people every day.
53:23 Speaker 01 Yeah. She's not doing, she's not gonna do that though.
53:26 Speaker 02 I would literally, if I was a billionaire, I would walk up to a stranger on the street and I would say, "What's your Venmo?" I would throw them a cool thousand bucks. A thousand?
53:32 Speaker 01 It's nothing.
53:33 Speaker 02 It's nothing.
53:34 Speaker 01 Nothing.
53:35 Speaker 02 I would throw them a cool thousand bucks. I would just, I would just find, if someone's being nice to me, someone's smiling at me in traffic, I'd be like, they roll their window down, I go, "What's your Venmo?" Or I have cash on me.
53:45 Speaker 01 Throw it out the window, like a Dave Chappelle sketch.
53:46 Speaker 02 Yeah.
53:47 Speaker 01 Literally.
53:47 Speaker 02 It would be awesome.
53:48 Speaker 01 I don't, and my other thing is like, I think rich people have gotten soft too. Why do you care what we think?
53:54 Speaker 02 Right, you wanna be normal?
53:55 Speaker 01 You're on the internet crying, like, "Why aren't y'all making fun of me? You have a billion dollars."
53:58 Speaker 02 Yeah.
53:59 Speaker 01 I should have something.
54:01 Speaker 02 If, have them killed.
54:02 Speaker 01 Literally.
54:02 Speaker 02 If someone makes fun of you, have them killed.
54:04 Speaker 01 You could literally do that. Off with his head. You literally.
54:08 Speaker 02 Unhand me.
54:09 Speaker 01 Yeah.
54:09 Speaker 02 Yeah.
54:12 Speaker 01 The rich people are real soft and they don't buy art anymore. Like, we need some mentors for these rich people.
54:18 Speaker 02 That's the thing, is they used to do like funds for the arts and stuff too. They used to find some little freak. They'd go to like Brooklyn, and they'd find some freak weirdo artist who was never gonna be embraced by the mainstream.
54:27 Speaker 01 That was, uh, Basquiat.
54:29 Speaker 02 Yes, and they would fund these freaks.
54:30 Speaker 01 Bro was doing heroin right in front of them.
54:32 Speaker 02 I need a freak funder.
54:32 Speaker 01 Buy his painting.
54:33 Speaker 02 Yes, they're like, "Get his painting now."
54:35 Speaker 01 Yeah.
54:35 Speaker 02 I need a freak funder bad.
54:36 Speaker 01 Literally.
54:37 Speaker 02 Cause I could be freakier.
54:38 Speaker 01 I know I could.
54:39 Speaker 02 But I gotta keep it kinda normal.
54:40 Speaker 01 Yeah.
54:40 Speaker 02 For my evil empire.
54:41 Speaker 01 Exactly.
54:42 Speaker 02 We need, bringing back patrons of the arts would be huge.
54:44 Speaker 01 We need a freak fund.
54:45 Speaker 02 Yeah, we need a, we need a freak, I think Diddy did that.
54:48 Speaker 01 Yeah. He definitely had a freak fund.
54:51 Speaker 02 He did a freak fund, yeah.
54:51 Speaker 01 Not that kinda freak fund.
54:52 Speaker 02 Yeah, different, different freak fund.
54:54 Speaker 01 Yeah.
54:54 Speaker 02 Diddy, not that. Okay, I got a segment for you, Niles. Mm-hmm. This is, this is a game, this is a true or false segment.
54:59 Speaker 01 Okay.
55:00 Speaker 02 Okay? Now, if, I'm gonna read you 15 statements.
55:03 Speaker 01 Okay.
55:03 Speaker 02 You're gonna tell me as quickly as you can if you think it's true or false. Speed is of the essence.
55:07 Speaker 01 Okay.
55:07 Speaker 02 If you get 10 or more correct, Niles, I'm gonna give you 50 US dollars.
55:11 Speaker 01 Okay.
55:12 Speaker 02 For your freak fund. Spiders are insects.
55:15 Speaker 01 False.
55:15 Speaker 02 False, they're arachnids. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
55:18 Speaker 01 True.
55:19 Speaker 02 True. Slosk can move three times faster in water than they can on land.
55:22 Speaker 01 False.
55:22 Speaker 02 True. Catfish is the official state food of Mississippi.
55:25 Speaker 01 True.
55:25 Speaker 02 False. It's the butter cookie.
55:27 Speaker 01 What?
55:27 Speaker 02 Whoa, you're a fake Mississippian, okay.
55:29 Speaker 01 What?
55:29 Speaker 02 The creator of peanut M and M's was allergic to peanuts.
55:31 Speaker 01 True.
55:32 Speaker 02 True. Oral Roberts University was established in 1863.
55:36 Speaker 01 False.
55:36 Speaker 02 False, it's 1963. A group of pugs is called a puggle.
55:39 Speaker 01 False.
55:40 Speaker 02 False, it's a grumble. Only 2% of the, only 2% of the population has green eyes.
55:46 Speaker 01 True.
55:47 Speaker 02 True. A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
55:50 Speaker 01 False.
55:51 Speaker 02 True. Wendy's chocolate frosty flavor is actually half chocolate and half vanilla.
55:54 Speaker 01 True.
55:55 Speaker 02 True. Carl Weathers was an NFL linebacker before becoming an actor.
55:58 Speaker 01 True.
55:58 Speaker 02 True. Horizontal refreshment was a 19th century slang term for sex.
56:03 Speaker 01 True?
56:04 Speaker 02 It's true. I need some horizontal refreshment. The PlayStation 2 came out after the Nintendo GameCube.
56:11 Speaker 01 False.
56:12 Speaker 02 False, before. The California has more NBA teams than any other state.
56:15 Speaker 01 True.
56:15 Speaker 02 True. The first pair of Nike running shoes was made in a waffle iron.
56:18 Speaker 01 True.
56:18 Speaker 02 True. Nice, Niles!
56:21 Speaker 01 I was gonna be so mad if I didn't get that shit.
56:23 Speaker 02 Yeah.
56:24 Speaker 01 Cause I saw Sabrina got it, and I was like, if I don't get this shit, I'm gonna be mad.
56:26 Speaker 02 Sabrina Breyer?
56:27 Speaker 01 Yeah.
56:27 Speaker 02 Yeah, she did.
56:28 Speaker 01 I need that 50.
56:29 Speaker 02 You did, 12 is good. 12 is high.
56:31 Speaker 01 I was mad when I missed the, was that really true on the Mississippi one?
56:34 Speaker 02 Yeah.
56:34 Speaker 01 Butter cookie?
56:35 Speaker 02 Butter cookie.
56:35 Speaker 01 I've never, what is a butter cookie?
56:37 Speaker 02 Yeah, well, you need to tap into Mississippi state history.
56:40 Speaker 01 Bell Zone, Mississippi is the catfish capital of the world.
56:43 Speaker 02 Mississippi catfish, that was a, that was a, yeah, Chance tried to trip you up on that one.
56:46 Speaker 01 Yeah, alright, I'm watching you.
56:48 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not getting in on the freak fund.
56:51 Speaker 01 Right.
56:52 Speaker 02 Niles, you know, you know what this show's about. So True with Caleb Hearon, the podcast. What's so true to you?
56:57 Speaker 01 What's so true to me?
56:58 Speaker 02 Yeah.
56:59 Speaker 01 Okay. This, look, I'm gonna offend some film school people with this one.
57:05 Speaker 01 But I'm, I'm tired of seeing these posts. When somebody's like, "I just made my first film," or "I just made my first project," and I just have to say, "It was so hard." There's no bad movies. Bullshit, man. That is not-
57:19 Speaker 02 Who said that?
57:20 Speaker 01 All these film people, dude. I'm like, "That is bullshit."
57:24 Speaker 02 Yeah.
57:24 Speaker 01 Just because it was hard for you to make a short film-
57:27 Speaker 02 Yeah.
57:27 Speaker 01 -don't mean there's no bad movies. And like, I forget the famous director, but he goes to see every movie because he said there's something good about every movie, and then like, there's no bad movies because they're so hard to make. That's crazy, bro.
57:40 Speaker 02 That is crazy.
57:41 Speaker 01 Like, no, there is bad movies, and we need to tell people they're bad so they'll leave.
57:45 Speaker 02 Yeah.
57:46 Speaker 01 And I just, I, and, and, look, I may be cut from a different cloth, whatever, but being in this industry, writing TV, making my own projects, has made me realize, actually, this shit is not as hard as it looks, and a lot of these people are bad at this shit.
58:03 Speaker 01 Like, not a, I'll watch a TV show and be like, "So this got through six different people, they get paid all this fucking money-
58:10 Speaker 02 Yeah.
58:10 Speaker 01 -went through an edit-
58:11 Speaker 02 Yeah.
58:12 Speaker 01 -and y'all still put this on TV."
58:14 Speaker 02 Right.
58:14 Speaker 01 Whereas, I made a short film with two or three of my friends, and I watched them shit, and I was like, "Are y'all fucking shitting me right now?"
58:19 Speaker 02 Yeah.
58:19 Speaker 01 Cut this out.
58:19 Speaker 02 Yeah.
58:20 Speaker 01 Like, come on now.
58:21 Speaker 02 Yeah.
58:22 Speaker 01 And so, yeah, I just, I think making stuff is not as hard as people try to make it out to be, and I think y'all just aren't good at this.
58:28 Speaker 02 Uh huh.
58:29 Speaker 01 Go home.
58:29 Speaker 02 Interesting. I like the take. I like the take. I do think, I do think it brush it, I- Yeah, I agree. I do think there are objectively bad things. I do think if you're, it, there, there's a rubric that I like, that's kind of like, "Did you achieve what you were trying to achieve?"
58:45 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
58:45 Speaker 02 More than like, you know, I don't necessarily care about, like, "Did you color grade it the way that it, that would be industry standard in color grading or whatever." That is less interesting to me. But did you achieve what you were trying to achieve? That's the rubric I'm after. If you set out to make an Americana album that was, you know, uh, heavy on this instrument, light on this instrument, that evokes these emotions-
59:04 Speaker 01 Yeah.
59:04 Speaker 02 You set out to do that, did you do it? Did I feel what you wanted me to feel?
59:07 Speaker 01 Sure.
59:08 Speaker 02 That, to me, is successful.
59:09 Speaker 01 Yeah.
59:09 Speaker 02 And if you didn't, then it's, then you didn't do a good job.
59:11 Speaker 01 Yeah.
59:12 Speaker 02 I, I think that's how I feel about it.
59:13 Speaker 01 There, there is a lot of bad movies-
59:15 Speaker 02 Yeah.
59:16 Speaker 01 -every year.
59:17 Speaker 02 Yeah.
59:17 Speaker 01 And it needs to be said.
59:19 Speaker 02 Yeah, I don't know what, I don't know what's going on.
59:21 Speaker 01 And even more bad, I think most TV is bad.
59:24 Speaker 02 Yeah.
59:24 Speaker 01 I think, I think about like seventy-five percent of TV is bad.
59:27 Speaker 02 I don't watch much TV.
59:28 Speaker 01 I, I don't anymore.
59:29 Speaker 02 Yeah.
59:30 Speaker 01 I don't, I'm, I'm like going back and watching like all the old stuff like I missed, so like I'm like, I'm like, I just got into like The Sopranos.
59:36 Speaker 02 Yeah.
59:37 Speaker 01 And then, um.
59:37 Speaker 02 Where you at, do you know where you're at in it?
59:38 Speaker 01 Like on like the sixth episode of the first season?
59:41 Speaker 02 Yeah.
59:41 Speaker 01 Well, no, or whatever, he, he takes the daughter to like visit school or whatever and he kills a dude, that was amazing.
59:47 Speaker 02 Yeah.
59:47 Speaker 01 Yeah, so spoiler alert, if you haven't watched it.
59:49 Speaker 02 I'm really jealous of you.
59:50 Speaker 01 What, for watching it for the first time, is that your thing?
59:52 Speaker 02 Yeah, oh, I love The Sopranos, yeah.
59:54 Speaker 01 Oh, nice.
59:54 Speaker 02 I've watched it probably four times through all the way.
59:57 Speaker 01 Hell, yeah.
59:57 Speaker 02 It's so good.
59:58 Speaker 01 Yeah.
59:59 Speaker 02 Yeah.
59:59 Speaker 01 Yeah, so I'm, I'm like getting back, I'm getting like into like the old stuff, I wanna watch The Wire.
1:00:04 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:00:04 Speaker 01 I just feel like a lot of TV is just like, and like even some stuff where like people, it's, it's so good, and I'm like, well, I think just the one, the thing it's trying to be was really good, and it's like evoking those emotions out of you.
1:00:17 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:00:17 Speaker 01 And I, I think you just like nostalgia, I don't think this is actually good.
1:00:20 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:00:21 Speaker 01 So, I'm not gonna say actual names and stuff.
1:00:23 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you're smarter than that, yeah.
1:00:28 Speaker 02 Yeah, I, I think, uh, Sopranos is just one of like the greatest TV shows we've ever made.
1:00:32 Speaker 01 Ever, yeah, and, and of course, I'm not holding everything to a Sopranos standard, cause that's not fair.
1:00:37 Speaker 02 Right.
1:00:37 Speaker 01 But, do better.
1:00:39 Speaker 02 James Gandolfini also has a leading man, fuck yeah to that casting director, that fucking rocks.
1:00:44 Speaker 01 She did it.
1:00:44 Speaker 02 He was sick.
1:00:45 Speaker 01 She did it.
1:00:46 Speaker 02 He was so good in that, god. He's, yeah, Chance bringing a, a Satrial sports store.
1:00:51 Speaker 01 Is that in the show?
1:00:52 Speaker 02 The Sopranos, yeah.
1:00:52 Speaker 01 Okay.
1:00:53 Speaker 02 Uh, I, James Gandolfini is one of the actors, along with Philip Seymour Hoffman, that I'm like.
1:00:58 Speaker 01 I love Philip Seymour Hoffman.
1:00:58 Speaker 02 Fuck, what would we be getting from them right now, you know what I mean?
1:01:01 Speaker 01 Some good shit.
1:01:02 Speaker 02 Philip Seymour Hoffman would be turning in, oh, I can't imagine what the fuck he would be doing.
1:01:05 Speaker 01 Hell, yeah.
1:01:06 Speaker 02 He was so good. Who are you, who's your favorite?
1:01:08 Speaker 01 Favorite actor ever?
1:01:09 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:01:10 Speaker 01 It's probably either.
1:01:13 Speaker 01 Samuel L. Jackson or Denzel?
1:01:15 Speaker 02 Yeah, I mean Denzel, Jesus.
1:01:17 Speaker 01 Yeah, I'm ready for that Gladiator 2.
1:01:19 Speaker 02 Did you see the headline?
1:01:20 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:01:21 Speaker 02 He's like, "I'm putting on this dress and these rings." Right. And I'm going crazy.
1:01:25 Speaker 01 Going crazy.
1:01:25 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:01:26 Speaker 01 Somebody said I was Young Thug when he was making his last album.
1:01:29 Speaker 02 Yeah. God, I fucking love Denzel. Actually, my favorite, my favorite Denzel performance of all time, uh, because it's all the greats, right?
1:01:38 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:01:38 Speaker 02 But my favorite Denzel performance of all time is that fucking clip of him and Jamie Foxx. Where he's like, "I'm leaving here with something."
1:01:44 Speaker 01 I'm leaving with something. No, I love that. I say that shit all the time.
1:01:48 Speaker 02 "I'm leaving here with something."
1:01:49 Speaker 01 And he's talking about the Oscars.
1:01:51 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:01:51 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's not talking about like some party. He's talking about the Oscars.
1:01:54 Speaker 02 And the way he, the way he delivers it.
1:01:56 Speaker 01 "I'm leaving here with something."
1:01:56 Speaker 02 "I'm leaving here with something."
1:01:57 Speaker 01 It's just so funny.
1:01:58 Speaker 02 And he's like, "I knew I wasn't gonna win," and Jamie's so fun. That clip to me, I literally, when I'm having a bad day, sometimes I watch that clip.
1:02:03 Speaker 01 That's good.
1:02:04 Speaker 02 I fucking love that clip.
1:02:06 Speaker 01 No, that interview was so cool because like you just find out like he's like a big fan of Cardi B randomly and like all this stuff. Like, okay, Denzel's a regular person. All right.
1:02:14 Speaker 02 He's also in that like old guy, uh, killed it his whole career. Uh, like he's in that level of comfort where he just will show up to an interview wearing sweats now.
1:02:23 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:02:23 Speaker 02 Like he just pops up wearing whatever he's comfortable in.
1:02:26 Speaker 01 No, no shade, huh?
1:02:27 Speaker 02 Yeah, no, well, a podcast is hardly an interview with Jamie Foxx, you know? Uh, but no, he will, he'll, he'll show up to anything just being like, "This is what I'm doing now."
1:02:36 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:02:36 Speaker 02 I love that guy.
1:02:37 Speaker 01 I want to see him do a comedy, man.
1:02:39 Speaker 02 What's your favorite Denzel movie?
1:02:40 Speaker 01 Favorite Denzel movie ever is Training Day.
1:02:42 Speaker 02 Yeah, Training Day's great.
1:02:43 Speaker 01 I think that, that movie, like I just think it's, as a movie, it's just well-written and so well-put-together, and Ethan Hawke is great too.
1:02:49 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:02:50 Speaker 01 Uh, but just that monologue, the character, it was just, that was crazy.
1:02:54 Speaker 02 I see your Training Day, I'm raising you, John Q.
1:02:57 Speaker 01 Ooh, I love John Q.
1:02:58 Speaker 02 John Q's my favorite Denzel performance.
1:03:00 Speaker 01 I love John Q.
1:03:00 Speaker 02 He's amazing in John Q. He's amazing in John Q.
1:03:03 Speaker 01 He said he's not gonna bury his son.
1:03:04 Speaker 02 Yeah. Oh, God, yeah, I love that movie. I'm gonna watch that movie today.
1:03:08 Speaker 01 I need to, I need to re-watch that. It's been a while.
1:03:10 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:03:11 Speaker 01 No, I loved it, but I, I really want to see him do a comedy because he's old now. He's done everything.
1:03:15 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:03:15 Speaker 01 And I just feel like any other, like every serious role he does from now on is just kind of like, okay, like you're Denzel. Of course, this is good, but I feel like if he like did a comedy and like kill that shit, it would just be like, alright, you're the best.
1:03:28 Speaker 02 I do thi- I would love to see him have like a bit of a Nick Cage arc where like-
1:03:31 Speaker 01 Yeah, just do some funny goofy shit.
1:03:33 Speaker 02 Did you see, um, um, Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent or Renfield?
1:03:38 Speaker 01 I like both of those.
1:03:40 Speaker 02 Yeah, I love that shit and I, it's, it's something that only a long time acclaimed, we already know you're great at this in a real way.
1:03:47 Speaker 01 You gotta be in it for a minute to do something like that.
1:03:49 Speaker 02 Denzel can do that.
1:03:50 Speaker 01 Exactly. So yeah, I would love to see him do some like really funny, funny thing.
1:03:54 Speaker 02 He's one of the few people that can do that. Yeah. I'd like to, I'd like to see, I've been thinking a lot about Batista.
1:04:00 Speaker 01 He's good.
1:04:01 Speaker 02 He's good.
1:04:02 Speaker 01 I, I like it.
1:04:03 Speaker 02 And I wanna see him in a fucking indie drama dude.
1:04:05 Speaker 01 Yes.
1:04:05 Speaker 02 I wanna see him in a heartbreaking, like gut-wrenching. I wanna cry at a Batista movie soon.
1:04:10 Speaker 01 Hell yeah.
1:04:11 Speaker 02 I want that for him. Cause I think he wants it maybe as well.
1:04:14 Speaker 01 I think, I think so too. I, I, it looks like he really wants to be an actor.
1:04:17 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:04:18 Speaker 01 You know, so I, I want it for him. I like, I like Batista.
1:04:20 Speaker 02 Yeah, I, I liked it. He, he lost a bunch of weight and he was like, well, I wanna act. And when I saw that, I was like, fuck.
1:04:30 Speaker 02 I was like, god damn it.
1:04:31 Speaker 01 That's funny. Oh my god.
1:04:34 Speaker 02 I mean, I guess I knew, but fuck.
1:04:37 Speaker 01 Oh my god.
1:04:39 Speaker 02 He was like, well, yeah, I couldn't act at that size. I was like, oh, fuck. I gotta get to work.
1:04:49 Speaker 02 And his was muscle. Yeah, damn, that was tough to see.
1:04:53 Speaker 01 Yeah, I mean, it's just like, he has to, he has to beat out John Cena or The Rock for every one of those roles.
1:04:58 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:04:59 Speaker 01 That's why The Rock makes so much money. If you write a role for a big dude that needs to be charming and kinda funny, he's gonna get the part.
1:05:05 Speaker 02 Yeah, and I love John Cena and The Rock as actors, by the way. I would love, love, love to, actually, I'm kinda writing something right now with John Cena in mind. I would love to work with John Cena. I think he's very funny and I think he's very charming. John Cena and The Rock both, I think, uh, their strong suits are-
1:05:22 Speaker 02 Like, they don't have, there's something that Batista has that they don't.
1:05:26 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:05:26 Speaker 02 Like, Batista has a, like, he has a, I don't know, there's like a tenderness to him, there's like a, um, there's something about him that I think is just a little different than those two.
1:05:37 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:05:37 Speaker 02 And so I do think he could carve out a different lane for himself.
1:05:39 Speaker 01 I do too, too. I, I definitely think so. So, yeah, I, I can see why he probably like changed his body and stuff.
1:05:44 Speaker 02 Yeah. My favorite The Rock role is the other guys.
1:05:47 Speaker 01 Yeah, cuz it's short.
1:05:49 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's short and also it's hilarious.
1:05:51 Speaker 01 I don't need to see The Rock for two hours.
1:05:54 Speaker 01 Central Intelligence with Kevin Hart is actually a pretty good movie, though.
1:05:57 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:05:57 Speaker 01 I will, I will give them that one.
1:05:59 Speaker 02 You will give The Rock, you will give The Rock his one flower.
1:06:01 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:06:02 Speaker 02 His singular flower.
1:06:04 Speaker 01 He's not my favorite actor in the world.
1:06:05 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:06:05 Speaker 01 You know.
1:06:06 Speaker 02 You think, you think God's real?
1:06:08 Speaker 01 No!
1:06:11 Speaker 02 I like to spring it on people, see what happens.
1:06:13 Speaker 01 I don't, I don't at all.
1:06:14 Speaker 02 No God for you?
1:06:15 Speaker 01 No, I don't believe in anything. The point of life, I think, is community at the end of the day.
1:06:20 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:06:20 Speaker 01 Like, love and friends and how you are in relationships and that kind of thing.
1:06:23 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:06:23 Speaker 01 It's just like, who are you to the people around you? Like, do the people around you genuinely enjoy being around you? Like, is there love there? Like, I think that's the most important part of life.
1:06:32 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:06:32 Speaker 01 And I do think religions have that in a certain kind of way with the community building aspect. But then, like, when you give one man, like, all the power at the top, like, that just kind of fucks it all.
1:06:43 Speaker 02 Yeah, we can't trust almost anyone to do, it's really just me that we could trust with that.
1:06:46 Speaker 01 Honestly.
1:06:47 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:06:47 Speaker 01 Give Caleb power, that's it.
1:06:48 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I wanna, I, I would probably start a cult. I think it'd be cool.
1:06:54 Speaker 01 I mean, I think most comedians have a little bit of that.
1:06:57 Speaker 02 I think it'd be cool. I'd start a cool one.
1:06:58 Speaker 01 Cuz when you, when you sell out a show and you do an hour in front of people, it feels cult-like.
1:07:03 Speaker 02 Well, it's psychotic. You really stop it, do you ever stop and think about, like, it is crazy?
1:07:08 Speaker 01 I did it on stage once.
1:07:09 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:07:10 Speaker 01 I was in Pittsburgh.
1:07:10 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:07:11 Speaker 01 Cuz it, it was like- I literally stopped, like, I had a joke hit so hard, and I stopped, I was like, I've never been here before.
1:07:19 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:07:20 Speaker 01 None of y'all know me.
1:07:21 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:07:21 Speaker 01 And I'm just talking about my life up here.
1:07:23 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:07:24 Speaker 01 And y'all paid to be here. And they just go, "Yeah!" And I was like, alright, just get back to the jokes. Like, this is crazy.
1:07:30 Speaker 02 Bottle Rocket?
1:07:31 Speaker 01 What is that?
1:07:32 Speaker 02 Did we do Bottle Rocket in Pittsburgh?
1:07:33 Speaker 01 No, I did this like, independent show. I'm not, I'm not where you at. Yeah, Caleb.
1:07:37 Speaker 02 You can do Bottle Rocket.
1:07:38 Speaker 01 I can't do that shit yet.
1:07:39 Speaker 02 Hit him up, I think you'd do a good weekend at Bottle Rocket. But, the, uh, the, the thing of like, standing on a stage with only your thoughts to entertain people for an hour.
1:07:48 Speaker 01 That's a thing.
1:07:49 Speaker 02 Is a really crazy, it's trippy.
1:07:51 Speaker 01 That's why it's the coolest art form, uh, to me. And I, I had this talk with, about, uh, with another comedian, I won't say his name, I'm gonna bust him out. But we were talking about how like, we both hate PowerPoint comedy.
1:08:00 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:08:01 Speaker 01 Because...
1:08:01 Speaker 02 Really? I kinda like it.
1:08:02 Speaker 01 I hate it.
1:08:03 Speaker 02 Why?
1:08:04 Speaker 01 Because, stand-up is supposed to be this thing where you just have the mic, and you're supposed to communicate the thing so well, you don't need all the other shit.
1:08:14 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:08:14 Speaker 01 And so like, for me, it's like, if you need that PowerPoint, then you probably didn't write the joke that good.
1:08:19 Speaker 02 Yeah. I've felt this way before.
1:08:21 Speaker 01 That's just, that's just me. And I might be wrong. Cause there's some people killing with the PowerPoint.
1:08:25 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:08:26 Speaker 01 You know what I'm saying? And do your thing, because I don't like it, don't stop, don't stop what you doing.
1:08:29 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:08:30 Speaker 01 But like, for me, I just very much love the pure, just like, standing there with a mic, sit on a stool, and you're just talking to these people, and like, hitting them with punchlines, and making them think about stuff they would never, ever think ever in their life, and they're gonna repeat it at work tomorrow.
1:08:46 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:08:46 Speaker 01 I just don't think a PowerPoint does that.
1:08:48 Speaker 02 I hear you. I felt that way. There was a, there was definitely a moment coming out of Chicago when everybody was doing PowerPoints in Chicago for a second, including myself.
1:08:55 Speaker 01 That was the first place I saw it, when I did stand-up in Chicago.
1:08:57 Speaker 02 And, and I was doing it too, and I definitely, I acknowledged in my own work that I was like, this, you're doing this because you're being lazy.
1:09:03 Speaker 01 Really?
1:09:03 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, I was, I, I fully like, I ca- I went to New York and LA and did like, a PowerPoint set that I'd been doing, and it went really well, and it sold out.
1:09:10 Speaker 01 And I've seen some that are really funny.
1:09:11 Speaker 02 It, mine wasn't really in particular, to be honest. Like, mine was honestly a crutch, I'll be honest. Like, I-
1:09:15 Speaker 01 That's real.
1:09:16 Speaker 02 I was being lazy. Like, I didn't wanna focus on the jokes, I didn't believe in the jokes, it was a crutch, where like, the PowerPoint created this, and I think a lot of people, if they were really honest with themselves, would admit the same thing.
1:09:25 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:09:26 Speaker 02 Where it's like, it created this like- This comfort of like, well, I can just click the next slide. Or there's something that'll make them laugh in there if I don't do my job.
1:09:33 Speaker 01 I hate when the picture is the punchline.
1:09:35 Speaker 02 Yeah, I think that's totally fair. I will say though.
1:09:38 Speaker 01 But that is what like, late night TV is though.
1:09:40 Speaker 02 100%. And by the way, there's, there's a lot of people that are doing it in really innovative ways. I wasn't doing it creatively. I was being a hack.
1:09:46 Speaker 01 What's the dude? He just did one. He's really funny.
1:09:49 Speaker 02 Josh Sharp?
1:09:50 Speaker 01 I don't know who that is. It's a white dude. He, he, he's part, I think he's with AD Bryant?
1:09:57 Speaker 02 Oh, Connor O'Malley.
1:09:57 Speaker 01 Yeah, I watched his on YouTube and I liked his.
1:10:00 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:10:00 Speaker 01 His was very interesting because it was like a character and stuff. I liked it.
1:10:04 Speaker 02 You should go see Josh Sharp.
1:10:05 Speaker 01 Okay.
1:10:05 Speaker 02 Josh Sharp's doing a PowerPoint hour right now that he does, he does a slide cue every three seconds. It is so choreographed and genius. I haven't seen something this tight. As a, as a joke writer, you'll really appreciate it.
1:10:19 Speaker 01 Okay. He might, he might change my.
1:10:20 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:10:21 Speaker 01 And I'm all about changing perspective.
1:10:23 Speaker 02 Yeah, but in, in, to your point, I definitely was when I was doing PowerPoints. I was being a hack.
1:10:28 Speaker 01 Well, I get that.
1:10:28 Speaker 02 And I had to stop.
1:10:29 Speaker 01 I just have this rule. I don't want to use nothing Richard Pryor couldn't use.
1:10:33 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:10:33 Speaker 01 I think he's the best ever and he couldn't, he didn't even have access to that shit. He just had crack.
1:10:37 Speaker 02 Yeah, but he was an innovator.
1:10:38 Speaker 01 Exactly.
1:10:39 Speaker 02 So don't you think maybe he would be doing PowerPoints now?
1:10:41 Speaker 01 No.
1:10:42 Speaker 02 I don't know.
1:10:43 Speaker 01 I don't think so.
1:10:44 Speaker 02 I don't know. He might be at UCB.
1:10:46 Speaker 01 I don't think so.
1:10:47 Speaker 02 Richard Pryor might have been doing a one man show at UCB Sunset. You don't like to hear it. You don't like to hear it. Richard Pryor's one of my greats as well.
1:10:56 Speaker 01 No!
1:10:57 Speaker 02 But he might be doing something else.
1:10:59 Speaker 01 Oh my God.
1:11:00 Speaker 02 You don't like to hear it, but it might be the case.
1:11:02 Speaker 01 Right now. Don't disrespect my goat like that.
1:11:05 Speaker 02 No, he really is.
1:11:06 Speaker 01 He just had a mic and some crack, man.
1:11:07 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:11:08 Speaker 01 And a little bit of Marlon Brando, but we don't have to talk about that.
1:11:10 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:11:13 Speaker 02 Niles, thank you so much for being on.
1:11:14 Speaker 01 Thank you for having me. This was so fun.
1:11:16 Speaker 02 Please tell the people where they can find you.
1:11:17 Speaker 01 Uh, you can follow me on Twitter, at Niles100, Instagram, the Niles Absinthe Show. Follow me. Uh, I run a monthly show with Don't Tell called Who All Gonna Be There? Tickets are on sale right now, November 22nd. Come out to the show in LA if you're here.
1:11:30 Speaker 02 Great. Thanks for being on.
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