Pod Insights So True with Caleb Hearon Hannah Berner Loves Girlhood About this episode Welcome! This week’s guest is the hilarious Hannah Berner! Hannah and Caleb talk growing up in Brooklyn, past lives, the perils of getting a driver's license, a situation involving the old Pope, motherhood, and much more!
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Produced by Chance Nichols @chanceisloud
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So True is a Headgum podcast, created and hosted by Caleb Hearon. The show is produced by Chance Nichols with Associate Producer Allie Kahan and Executive Producer Emma Foley. So True is engineered by Casey Donahue and engineered and edited by Nicole Lyons. Kaiti Moos is our VP of Content at Headgum. Thanks to Luke Rogers for our show art and Virginia Muller our social media manager.
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Transcript 17,158 words · 9 speakers
0:00 Speaker 00 Let's be honest, you don't go to the holiday gift exchange just to participate. You go to win. This year, cause a stir. Gift a KitchenAid stand mixer to whip up new traditions. Tis your season to mix it up.
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1:16 Speaker 00 This is a HeadGum Podcast.
1:19 Speaker 03 Moms have such a knack, I feel, for just dropping one of the most devastating things you've ever heard. You know, you'll just like, you'll truly just be at like a cookout, like sitting by the pool, and your mom will just be like, "Yeah, I mean, I just wonder what I would have been capable of if anyone had ever believed in me." Anyway.
1:41 Speaker 03 What's going on with you? What the hell is going on with you? We're rolling. Hannah, we're rolling.
1:46 Speaker 04 Put me on the spot.
1:47 Speaker 03 What's going on with you, dude?
1:49 Speaker 04 Look, I have to say, um, we have so many mutual friends.
1:52 Speaker 03 It's sick.
1:53 Speaker 04 And were we both playing the cards together with each other?
1:56 Speaker 03 Oh, stop. Stop.
1:59 Speaker 04 Because I was like nervous?
2:00 Speaker 03 Stop.
2:00 Speaker 04 I was nervous?
2:03 Speaker 03 Stop, what are we doing?
2:04 Speaker 04 How have we not collided? Was the energy too strong between us?
2:07 Speaker 03 It's like sick.
2:08 Speaker 04 Like, the chemistry was gonna blow out of the world?
2:11 Speaker 03 Well, when two people like you and I get together, it's like, it's just, it really can be scary.
2:15 Speaker 04 Yeah, earthquake-ish.
2:16 Speaker 03 It can go one way. It's kind of like, do you remember when, um, Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un?
2:24 Speaker 03 They met at the demilitarized zone.
2:25 Speaker 04 Who's who?
2:26 Speaker 03 Obviously, I'm Kim Jong-un.
2:32 Speaker 03 Clearly.
2:33 Speaker 04 I did just get a spray t-shirt.
2:37 Speaker 04 It's a little dark, right?
2:38 Speaker 03 Come on. We're shaking hands in the demilitarized zone. You invite me over into North Korea, I come through.
2:46 Speaker 04 I love that.
2:47 Speaker 03 Or I invite you over, I guess. I have to be Kim Jong-un, I forgot.
2:49 Speaker 04 No, we have to stick to that character for the rest of the pod.
2:52 Speaker 03 Everyone, stay with your character.
2:55 Speaker 03 Yeah, it's, it was.
2:56 Speaker 04 I love So True.
2:57 Speaker 03 It's too powerful.
2:58 Speaker 04 The best.
2:58 Speaker 03 I love So True. Gay podcasting.
3:04 Speaker 03 Oh, God. You ever think about him and Melania touching each other?
3:07 Speaker 04 They never have.
3:08 Speaker 03 You think about that? No, they did. They have a kid. Had to happen at least once.
3:12 Speaker 04 Hmm. I love her Eastern European just hatred for everything.
3:18 Speaker 03 Her just like dead behind the eyes.
3:19 Speaker 04 Yeah.
3:20 Speaker 03 Like showing up in like the cuntiest hat you've ever seen.
3:22 Speaker 04 Yeah.
3:23 Speaker 03 Yeah, there's just, there's a realness to her for sure.
3:25 Speaker 04 Why do we say, we just want to talk shit on all the most famous people ever. How about the Pope? What's the vibe with him?
3:30 Speaker 03 New Pope?
3:31 Speaker 04 Yeah, what do you, because you were posting a little.
3:33 Speaker 03 Can I say something about New Pope?
3:34 Speaker 04 Yeah.
3:35 Speaker 03 It's so funny to me that people are like, I wonder if he's progressive. He's the head of an international [BLEEP].
3:43 Speaker 04 I love that you go right into it. I Googled, I was like, I literally Googled, what is his stance on gay marriage?
3:49 Speaker 03 Me too. I was like, New Pope gay? I was like, I do want to know.
3:52 Speaker 04 And then I was like upset and then I was like, okay, he's, he's the Pope. Like, they have to stand for something. They have to stand against something.
3:59 Speaker 03 Yeah.
3:59 Speaker 04 That's their thing.
4:00 Speaker 03 Yeah.
4:01 Speaker 04 Hating gays?
4:02 Speaker 03 Hating gays. I mean, it was so funny, people being like, trying to recruit him to be a Republican or a Democrat. It's like, I think the proof's probably in the pudding. They don't allow women to serve. Like, it's like, we've already kind of figured out the whole deal.
4:13 Speaker 04 But I love how we're like so excited about it. But yeah, we've lost the plot.
4:17 Speaker 03 Oh, we've lost the plot.
4:18 Speaker 04 We've lost the plot, but also I'm just obsessed with. How gay the Pope is.
4:23 Speaker 03 The Pope, the papacy itself is so.
4:27 Speaker 04 So gay.
4:27 Speaker 03 It's so, it's nuts. It's like robes and hats and like everyone, like making everyone gather while you give a speech is like, come on.
4:34 Speaker 04 Yeah, and even like, straight men don't read books.
4:38 Speaker 03 No.
4:38 Speaker 04 Like, the Pope is going through the Bible, highlighting, repeating quotes he likes. Like, that's just book club.
4:44 Speaker 03 It's also so funny watching conservatives react to something like the new Pope, because they're like, they're like, oh, damn it, he criticized J D Vance. I wonder what, and it's like, he speaks like five languages. He was like a missionary in Peru. It's like, that's not good enough for like Kevin in Oklahoma. You know what I mean? It's like, what have you done, bitch? Not to be in defense of the Pope, obviously, that makes me sick to think about, but.
5:05 Speaker 04 Did you watch Conclave?
5:06 Speaker 03 No.
5:07 Speaker 04 It's the gayest movie you've ever seen. But like, honestly, Queens.
5:11 Speaker 03 Yeah.
5:12 Speaker 04 Like, by the end, you're like, I respect all of them.
5:15 Speaker 03 Everyone got mad at Pope Francis for saying there was a f-ness in the Vatican.
5:19 Speaker 04 Was that the exact quote?
5:20 Speaker 03 It was kind of like that.
5:21 Speaker 04 It was kind of that, he said it.
5:22 Speaker 03 It was something in that air, Chance, I can't remember the exact quote. When he said it, I was like, I could be Catholic. I mean, I was like, literally, that's the most, that's the first time I've ever seen myself in Catholicism.
5:31 Speaker 04 Yeah.
5:32 Speaker 03 Being the head of the Catholic Church and being like, sorry, the Vatican's feeling f- this week. Can everyone straighten up your wrists? Unlimp your wrists, everybody.
5:39 Speaker 04 I feel like they don't even try to be straight.
5:42 Speaker 03 No.
5:42 Speaker 04 No.
5:42 Speaker 03 No, they're just being, they're just being country in their little, what was the quote, Chance?
5:46 Speaker 05 Oh, I'm looking for it here.
5:47 Speaker 03 He was like, he was like, there's a f-ness among the, among the Vatican. He literally said, it was like, it was like, framadocia, there was like a, there was like an Italian word.
5:56 Speaker 04 Italian is gay.
5:57 Speaker 03 Yeah, first of all.
5:58 Speaker 04 You can't be straight and speak Italian.
6:00 Speaker 03 Yeah, you can't do that.
6:03 Speaker 04 Qudici, saying dici, mm, allanguin.
6:06 Speaker 03 It's like, stop, you clearly want to be penetrated, ain't it like, Chance, did we find it?
6:11 Speaker 05 Yeah, it's, I've got it here. Sorry, it's just a lot of people being like, we can't believe the Holy Father would say this.
6:16 Speaker 03 It's like, framadocia, or whatever.
6:18 Speaker 04 Also calling someone.
6:20 Speaker 03 There's an air of f- tree in the Vatican.
6:22 Speaker 04 No, I, wait.
6:24 Speaker 03 He said this. He said this, but it was Italian.
6:26 Speaker 04 Him saying air of anything is gay.
6:29 Speaker 03 Yeah, there's an air.
6:30 Speaker 04 There's an, no straight man even knows that there's air.
6:32 Speaker 03 There's a hint of f- tree in the Vatican.
6:34 Speaker 05 He said it twice.
6:35 Speaker 03 No, he kept repeating it. He like got in trouble and then he like said it again. I was like, that's my boy.
6:42 Speaker 04 Don't say that word. And you're like, which word? This one, that one? You're like, you said it again.
6:46 Speaker 03 Yeah, there it is again. There's a, the church cannot allow the order. There's a gay climate in the seminary.
6:50 Speaker 04 Look how cunty his hat is.
6:52 Speaker 03 And by the way, he's saying exactly what you're saying. He's like, guys, we're doing too much with the hats and robes.
6:59 Speaker 04 Also, I'm sitting here, I'm looking at Chance, he's wearing the Kansas City Chiefs shirt.
7:03 Speaker 03 Yeah.
7:04 Speaker 04 Um, I'm recently on this just like obsession over how gay football is.
7:08 Speaker 03 Thank you. Welcome, honey. Let's talk about it.
7:11 Speaker 04 Can we like buckle the fuck up?
7:12 Speaker 03 Yeah.
7:13 Speaker 04 Why do they wear a Britney Spears headset on the sideline?
7:16 Speaker 03 Yes, yes.
7:16 Speaker 04 How is that necessary?
7:17 Speaker 03 Yes, well, they need to be calling plays to each other, but I love where you're headed.
7:20 Speaker 04 I feel like there's straighter ways to do it.
7:22 Speaker 03 Yeah, for sure. Like walkie talkie.
7:23 Speaker 04 Yeah, use a big, thick walkie talkie like a man.
7:26 Speaker 03 Make a walkie talkie that looks like a grenade.
7:27 Speaker 04 Yeah.
7:28 Speaker 03 Yeah. Why'd you have to do the cunty little?
7:30 Speaker 04 No.
7:31 Speaker 03 Oops. Like, why is it, why is it that?
7:35 Speaker 04 And then he like loves to rip it off when it's not working, you know, and you're like, someone's getting fired. That's the vibe.
7:41 Speaker 03 Yes, literally that. Literally that. Who did the someone's getting fired?
7:45 Speaker 04 Beyonce.
7:45 Speaker 03 Beyonce with the pirate, it was the pirate techniques, right?
7:47 Speaker 04 Someone's getting fired tonight. That's how I fire people. I don't have a job.
7:52 Speaker 03 I fire so many people. Chance is up next.
7:55 Speaker 04 Your last episode was about why you're gonna fire your producer.
7:58 Speaker 03 Well, do you know what's so funny is Chance, I, I was just telling Chance when I came in today, there was a comment on somewhere like the TikTok or the YouTube or something that was like, Chance and I did that bit. And people were so confidently misinterpret an obvious joke. Someone commented and was like, the fact that Caleb's sitting there fucking giggling and laughing in his face while this man is clearly concerned about his job and his income. Like Caleb is, has obviously lost the plot and gotten too rich to under, I'm like, are you fucking insane?
8:27 Speaker 03 Are you fucking insane?
8:28 Speaker 04 I do have to say mattress firm ads, they do pay.
8:30 Speaker 03 They do pay. This guy is not worried about his job at the moment.
8:34 Speaker 04 I do say, I walked in, there was a fear in the office a little.
8:38 Speaker 03 There's a culture of fear.
8:40 Speaker 03 There's a culture of fear, it's so true. You walked in and everyone was like, everyone was like bowing to me.
8:43 Speaker 04 I asked to use the bathroom and you were like, that's my toilet.
8:46 Speaker 03 Yeah.
8:46 Speaker 04 You're not allowed to use that toilet.
8:47 Speaker 03 Well, that is, it's my toilet. I don't know what, it's like.
8:52 Speaker 04 Did you sit on the subway with that asshole?
8:53 Speaker 03 Did you not have one at home? You're not from far from here.
8:56 Speaker 04 No, I know. I should have peed before I got here. That was irresponsible.
8:59 Speaker 03 Use the toilet before you come to my high rise. Yeah. I own this building.
9:03 Speaker 04 To football. I was also thinking how they, I love football, by the way. This is like, um, I didn't want Chase.
9:10 Speaker 03 Which favorite team?
9:10 Speaker 04 Chase, Chase.
9:11 Speaker 03 Chase.
9:11 Speaker 04 Wait, I turned you into?
9:12 Speaker 03 They always do it.
9:13 Speaker 04 A frat boy with HPV.
9:15 Speaker 03 Yeah.
9:15 Speaker 04 Chase.
9:16 Speaker 03 The number of people, I've been friends with Chance for many, many years, thirteen, fourteen years now. And people, people who have known him for a decade won't slip up and say Chase.
9:25 Speaker 04 Wait, I love that you're a literal NBA player, like bringing your friends with you.
9:30 Speaker 03 Well, to hear the fucking comments, tell it, he's scared for his job.
9:34 Speaker 04 But also people perform better when they're a little scared.
9:36 Speaker 03 I, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, yes.
9:38 Speaker 04 And that's a Mel Robbins quote.
9:39 Speaker 03 Yeah, people perform better when they're a little scared. That's why I keep everyone guessing.
9:43 Speaker 04 Yeah.
9:43 Speaker 03 I keep everyone guessing.
9:44 Speaker 04 So with the NFL, they have.
9:46 Speaker 03 What's your favorite team? You didn't tell me.
9:48 Speaker 04 Um, look, I'm, I'm Giants, but like when the Giants are doing bad, the Jets. I'm, I'm bandwagon. I'm New, I'm New York.
9:56 Speaker 03 That sucks.
9:56 Speaker 04 I know it sucks, but like sometime, the Jets have fucking sucked for a long time.
10:00 Speaker 03 I had a lot of, when you first said Giants, I had a lot of respect for you because they've been going through it the last couple of years. And I thought there, that, that's a thing.
10:06 Speaker 04 That's a real one, like she's been through it.
10:07 Speaker 03 And then you said, I'm jumping over to Jets, which also isn't going well.
10:09 Speaker 04 No, I'm now with the Mets. Um, I'm, I'm, I'm turning wherever.
10:13 Speaker 03 I'm moving sports. I'm moving whole sports.
10:15 Speaker 04 But it's all like, we're New York. Like, let me embrace that I have multiple teams. Like, you don't know what you would do if Kansas City. Well, also, I thought Kansas City was multiple states. You know, it's confusing.
10:26 Speaker 03 Kansas City is on both sides of the state line.
10:28 Speaker 04 So I guess you could, you could be fluid if you want.
10:31 Speaker 03 I am. I'm, I'm state fluid. I'm state fluid. Kansas, Missouri, who knows? Who's to say?
10:37 Speaker 04 So they had to make rules to get the guys to stop dancing so much. They're like, you can't dance that hard. Like, you can't eat that much.
10:47 Speaker 03 Dude, this is something I've been saying for years. One of, one of the craziest things is that our, our most hyper masculine, like macho, like examples of manhood.
10:54 Speaker 04 Yeah.
10:55 Speaker 03 Every time you see them do an end zone dance, you need to remember, they practiced that.
10:59 Speaker 04 They asked their friend, is this good?
11:01 Speaker 03 They looked, they looked in the mirror with a friend in the locker room, probably shirtless in their underwear. And they're like, what if I did this?
11:06 Speaker 04 And five, six, seven, eight, and again, again.
11:09 Speaker 03 And they asked their buddy, would that eat? And he said, yes. And then when they do a group one, like when someone like pretends to bowl and it knocks over all the other guys, they had to go to their buddies at practice and be like, hey, if I get a touchdown this week, I was thinking we'd do bowling.
11:20 Speaker 04 No, they had to.
11:23 Speaker 03 That is so, there's an Arab tree in the Vatican.
11:27 Speaker 04 No, they had a group text.
11:28 Speaker 03 Yes, yes.
11:29 Speaker 04 Where they said, can you come to practice 40 minutes early? Cause we need to hit every fucking beat.
11:35 Speaker 03 Yes, can you guys stick around after practice today? I want to practice bowling celebration.
11:38 Speaker 04 I literally see them being like, James, can I talk to you for a second?
11:41 Speaker 03 Yeah.
11:41 Speaker 04 You're not fucking committed to the bit.
11:43 Speaker 03 So when I tell you to be a bowling pin and fall over, what does it mean to you?
11:47 Speaker 04 Yeah, what is your motive right now? Because it's clearly not this.
11:50 Speaker 03 I'm not seeing the commitment. I'm not seeing the dedication.
11:56 Speaker 03 You're not making the pyramid.
12:00 Speaker 04 But this is the thing, let them go, like let them live.
12:05 Speaker 03 Let them be gay.
12:05 Speaker 04 Cause it's like, they can do certain dances, but if like they go too hard, they're like, okay, now it's exposing.
12:12 Speaker 03 Yeah.
12:12 Speaker 04 Also, the whole concept of calling a guy a tight end, when no, I get it. If it's like loose end, tight end, wide end, no, it's all running back, quarterback, fullback.
12:23 Speaker 03 Yeah.
12:23 Speaker 04 Tight end seems like some gay guy in the back, just like put it in.
12:27 Speaker 03 Yeah.
12:28 Speaker 04 And no one said anything.
12:29 Speaker 03 We'll see what happens.
12:29 Speaker 04 We'll see what happens. And they were like, we love it.
12:31 Speaker 03 Me and me, one thing, there are like a couple of areas of debate where me and like the straightest, most Republican guy you know are like this. And one of them is, we need to bring back football being violent and nasty. Let those boys taunt, let them celebrate.
12:45 Speaker 04 Yeah.
12:46 Speaker 03 Let them hit people they're not supposed to hit when they're not supposed to hit them.
12:49 Speaker 04 I want them all to have Britney Spears mics. I want to know the little shit they whisper to each other after a hit, like, yeah, you like that.
12:54 Speaker 03 They are miked up sometimes. You ever watch those?
12:56 Speaker 04 Yes.
12:56 Speaker 03 Go on YouTube and search miked up NFL best moments.
12:59 Speaker 04 But it does get me upset because then you see the CTE in a full effect.
13:03 Speaker 03 Totally. And here's what I'm saying. Either.
13:06 Speaker 04 I was like, that's not a word.
13:07 Speaker 03 Either we're getting rid of football because we're scared of CTE. Either, either we're getting rid of it, which I would live with, or if we're doing violence, if we're doing violence as entertainment, let's fucking do it.
13:16 Speaker 04 Lean and go full Gladiator.
13:18 Speaker 03 Stop with the guardian thing, the fucking shields, stop with the penalties for taunting. If we're doing violence, let's do violence.
13:24 Speaker 04 Let them have swords.
13:25 Speaker 03 Let them have swords. Let them have brass knuckles. I don't care. It's like, that's their choice. Like let them play, let the boys play.
13:32 Speaker 04 Wait, did you ever play football?
13:34 Speaker 03 I did.
13:34 Speaker 04 Cause it's giving Green Bay Packer linemen sturdy.
13:39 Speaker 03 Thank you.
13:39 Speaker 04 Like strong, like you're, I didn't realize when I walked in, like you're tall.
13:44 Speaker 03 Thank you. Do you want to feel my muscles?
13:46 Speaker 04 Yeah.
13:49 Speaker 04 When was the last time a girl felt your muscles?
13:51 Speaker 03 Like, probably a week ago.
13:54 Speaker 04 Wait, no, I knew it. I saw athlete in you.
13:57 Speaker 03 Clip that.
13:57 Speaker 04 I saw athlete.
13:58 Speaker 03 Clip that. Clip that.
14:01 Speaker 04 I saw athlete.
14:02 Speaker 03 I'm low-key strong.
14:03 Speaker 04 Have you, like, beat up a bitch before?
14:05 Speaker 03 Yo, yeah. Oh, yeah, I'm beating people up all the time.
14:08 Speaker 04 I could see you, like, shoving.
14:10 Speaker 03 No. Well, sometimes on the train, because here's what I'll say.
14:13 Speaker 04 When a pregnant woman tries to take your seat.
14:14 Speaker 03 It's like, stand up, bitch. I didn't get you pregnant.
14:16 Speaker 04 No, that's not.
14:17 Speaker 03 I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm kidding, obviously, I'm kidding. I'm kidding, guys, I'm kidding.
14:23 Speaker 04 Every pregnant woman online, you don't support.
14:26 Speaker 03 It's like, you're elderly, sorry. Congratulations, the privilege is that you're still with us, stand up.
14:30 Speaker 04 Sorry, we're pro-abortion.
14:30 Speaker 03 Yeah, whoops. Sorry, I'm a woman's right to choose.
14:33 Speaker 04 Sorry.
14:34 Speaker 03 You had, you had a choice, you didn't make it, now stand up. No, when you're fat on the train, when you're fat on public transit, people feel so comfortable, like, pushing and elbowing you. They, like, think that you're also an idiot, like, you don't know how to move. I'm like, I am trying to move, there are people in my way. I'm six foot two and 350 pounds.
14:51 Speaker 04 Wait, hot take? The subway seats are not wide enough for anyone.
14:55 Speaker 03 No.
14:56 Speaker 04 Because I'm like, I have a booty.
14:57 Speaker 03 Yeah.
14:58 Speaker 04 I have child's, what is it called? Childbearing hips?
15:01 Speaker 03 Yeah. I've been saying that about you.
15:04 Speaker 04 We all thought it when I walked in.
15:05 Speaker 03 I've been saying that about you.
15:06 Speaker 04 And when I sit down, I'm like, I don't need my hips rubbing against someone else's hips when I'm just trying to go to work.
15:12 Speaker 03 Here's what I'm saying. If we made, I mean, disability activists have been saying this forever. If we made the whole world accessible for fat and, and also disabled people, it would only make everyone's lives better. Then people would benefit from fat infrastructure. Like, if you would stop making the fucking plane seats this big, then people would also benefit from that comfort. It doesn't make any sense. It's silly.
15:31 Speaker 04 It doesn't make any sense. I also am guilty of, like, I bloat very easily, not to brag, not.
15:37 Speaker 03 No, you're just like me for real.
15:39 Speaker 04 And I don't know why I bloat. Like, I'll eat a whole rotisserie chicken, or I'll, like, sniff a chip. Like, I don't know what the rea- and it's not my business why, like, I'm not.
15:48 Speaker 03 When you said the chicken part, I was like, it's probably just the sodium, but yeah.
15:50 Speaker 04 But, like, it's literally anything. And I'm not, what am I gonna do, like, what's that thing where people take out stuff from their diet? Like, you live once.
15:57 Speaker 03 No. I'm not doing that. I'm not slowly eliminating foods.
16:00 Speaker 04 I'm not a social experiment, I'm just trying to survive.
16:02 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
16:02 Speaker 04 So, I'll, I'll bloat, and I realize, like, if you just put your hand below the bloat, like, you're a full, you look like a fertile angel.
16:10 Speaker 03 Yeah.
16:10 Speaker 04 So, I'll be on the subway and just be like, excuse me.
16:13 Speaker 03 You're a pregnant queen, yeah, yeah, and you should, that's your right. I'm dead serious, that's your right, don't ever stop that.
16:19 Speaker 04 And also, at any time, I could be pregnant.
16:21 Speaker 03 Yeah, that's so completely true about you.
16:23 Speaker 04 And that's just like womanhood.
16:25 Speaker 03 You're married.
16:26 Speaker 04 It's so off-brand for me.
16:28 Speaker 03 It's really insane. When I learned that, I was like, that doesn't match.
16:31 Speaker 04 No.
16:31 Speaker 03 No offense.
16:32 Speaker 04 No, it wasn't in, it wasn't in my chart, it wasn't supposed to happen. I met a guy during Covid.
16:39 Speaker 03 Crazy.
16:39 Speaker 04 And people make crazy decisions during Covid.
16:42 Speaker 03 Yeah.
16:42 Speaker 04 But he's, he's really like, a good one, where he's like, my partner in crime, and supportive, and like, it's, it's nice.
16:51 Speaker 03 You, where'd you go, how'd you meet during Covid?
16:52 Speaker 04 Is this, I feel like it's so chugi that I'm married.
16:55 Speaker 03 It's really chugi.
16:56 Speaker 04 No, like-
16:56 Speaker 03 It's not a good look.
16:57 Speaker 04 It's actually a slur.
16:59 Speaker 03 No, being married is like, it's like, I'm not saying I thought less of you when I learned it.
17:03 Speaker 04 No, like, your eyes, like-
17:04 Speaker 03 I thought differently.
17:05 Speaker 04 Yeah.
17:05 Speaker 03 Yeah.
17:06 Speaker 04 You lost all respect.
17:07 Speaker 03 My arrow, my eyes narrowed a little bit, where I was like, oh.
17:09 Speaker 04 And I'm not trying to be like, I never wanted to get married, but like, it wasn't the best night of my life. It wasn't a goal for me.
17:18 Speaker 03 Yeah.
17:18 Speaker 04 I just feel like, if you find someone that enhances your life, awesome.
17:23 Speaker 03 Yeah.
17:23 Speaker 04 And I happen to. And he's older, so he will die soon, so it's not like a full commitment.
17:28 Speaker 03 Yeah, that'd be nice when he goes.
17:30 Speaker 04 I mean, when you meet a guy in his 30s, he has way too much energy, way too much time.
17:34 Speaker 03 Does he have Irish citizenship? He's Irish.
17:36 Speaker 04 Yes.
17:36 Speaker 03 Yeah.
17:37 Speaker 04 So, well, he actually is, he was born in the UK, lived in New York, then moved to Ireland, so yeah, he's, we can leave at any time.
17:44 Speaker 03 Is he not Irish?
17:45 Speaker 04 He's, he's Irish-American.
17:48 Speaker 03 So-
17:48 Speaker 04 He's from Queens, he talks like a trucker.
17:50 Speaker 03 Does he have any other citizenship that you could cash in on?
17:52 Speaker 04 Yeah.
17:52 Speaker 03 I'm just trying to look out for you.
17:53 Speaker 04 No, yeah, no, no, no, yeah, yeah.
17:54 Speaker 03 Nice.
17:55 Speaker 04 There's, there's reasons.
17:56 Speaker 03 Does he have assets that will be bequeathed to you if, when he passes?
17:58 Speaker 04 I believe so.
18:00 Speaker 03 Nice.
18:00 Speaker 04 Yeah, that's the word, when he passes.
18:03 Speaker 03 There's no reason to marry a man if he doesn't have stuff to leave you.
18:06 Speaker 04 A hundred percent.
18:06 Speaker 03 I just, I feel that way.
18:07 Speaker 04 Yeah, well, it's like, what value are you bringing?
18:10 Speaker 03 Yeah.
18:10 Speaker 04 What's your dowry for me?
18:12 Speaker 03 Yeah, exactly.
18:13 Speaker 04 It is, not to quote the great Bethany Frankel.
18:16 Speaker 03 Yeah, not to do that.
18:17 Speaker 04 My money is my money, your money is my money.
18:20 Speaker 03 Exactly, correct.
18:22 Speaker 04 Because I had to work harder for it.
18:23 Speaker 03 Yeah, I think all the time about if I have, if I have money when I die, like if I have stuff to give away.
18:29 Speaker 04 Yeah.
18:29 Speaker 03 I really do think I would be one of those, like if I was ever a rich, rich, rich, rich, rich, rich, rich person.
18:34 Speaker 04 Yeah.
18:34 Speaker 03 I think I'd be one of those people who gave it away to like strangers.
18:37 Speaker 04 Yeah.
18:37 Speaker 03 Like what, my kids who did nothing?
18:39 Speaker 04 Yeah, I love when I hear that they're like, they didn't give it to the kids and the kids are upset, but you know, what's more fucked up is when they give it to the pet.
18:47 Speaker 03 Yeah.
18:47 Speaker 04 That's like, that's some petty shit. I'm like, who hurt you?
18:50 Speaker 03 Weird goofy bullshit, yeah.
18:51 Speaker 04 Do you have any pets?
18:52 Speaker 03 No, I can't. I want to, I love dogs, but I just am never, I'm never in one place and it's, people, when I say this, people are always like, get a small dog, it can go with you. What do I look like to you?
19:00 Speaker 04 Paris Hilton?
19:01 Speaker 03 Do I, that would piss me, do you know how hard it is, do you know how hard it is for me to presently show up to the things I'm supposed to go to? Could you imagine me adding a chihuahua into the mix?
19:08 Speaker 04 My favorite is, I mean, not a lot of comics have it, but if they come with a dog and then they go on stage and like whoever the opener is, it's like, you're, you're a father now.
19:16 Speaker 03 You're watching the dog, yeah.
19:17 Speaker 04 Yeah, which, look, I like, it's probably more pleasant than hanging out with some comedians.
19:22 Speaker 03 Yeah.
19:23 Speaker 04 But yeah, you'd have to take it on the plane and.
19:26 Speaker 03 There's some older comics in LA who have gotten a really nice deal where when they do Largo, they always request to go up like second and they're like, I gotta get home to the cats, they need shots or something. I'm like, they've got like some backstory about the pets that I'm like, you know what? You could just be honest and say you don't want to watch the other sets and you want to go home. You've put in your, your time.
19:43 Speaker 04 So I have a cat, Butter, shout out Butter.
19:45 Speaker 03 Shout out to Butter for real.
19:46 Speaker 04 Who was, she got, someone gave me a gift. Um, and it was full of catnip toys. And I was like, Butter, you ready to go fucking buck wild tonight? And I like, I threw all the, I thought I was like the best mom ever. She woke me up at 5am tonight and she never does that.
20:05 Speaker 03 Yeah.
20:05 Speaker 04 I'm like, what? I'm talking to my husband, I'm like, even me saying husband is weird, but I'm like, what's going on? And then I'm like, this bitch is high as a kite right now. So apparently you have to supervise them when they play with their catnip toys, so I have to take Butter to rehab tomorrow. She's, do you know what catnip is?
20:22 Speaker 03 I fully thought it was food.
20:23 Speaker 04 It's basically like
20:25 Speaker 03 I fully thought it was
20:25 Speaker 04 A natural crack for cats, but like you give them a toy and they're just like, yeah, this is fun. But my cats like went too hard last night. She has, I thought she would just take a hit and chill.
20:35 Speaker 03 She's an addict.
20:36 Speaker 04 She's an addict.
20:37 Speaker 03 Yeah, she's a problem.
20:38 Speaker 04 Yeah.
20:38 Speaker 03 It's okay. Many people have a problem. The opposite of addiction is community. So just be there for her.
20:44 Speaker 04 And I came on this pod to raise awareness about catnip addiction.
20:47 Speaker 03 Yeah.
20:48 Speaker 04 And watch out for it.
20:49 Speaker 03 Dude, it would be so cool as an animal if your owner gave you drugs. Like you have no other way to get it.
20:53 Speaker 04 That's what I said. I was like, you're welcome bitch. And then she woke me up all night.
20:57 Speaker 03 You have no other way to get it. It's like, yeah, your owner has to be cool as fuck or else you have to be sober your whole life.
21:01 Speaker 04 Yeah. Or, but I also feel like she was like, I'm not partying alone.
21:04 Speaker 03 Yeah.
21:05 Speaker 04 That was her vibe. She was like, this is getting sad looking.
21:07 Speaker 03 She was like, get up. This is a bad look. She's like, bitch, I'm turn, let's go out.
21:13 Speaker 04 And I was like, mama's old, like let her stay in.
21:16 Speaker 03 She was like, get up, girl. We're only young ones. She's really like
21:20 Speaker 04 She said, YOLO, we're gonna go to the kitchen, then we're gonna go to the living room.
21:24 Speaker 03 She said, kill your fucking husband bitch, we're going out.
21:30 Speaker 04 The best is then I wake up this morning, this bitch is passed out.
21:33 Speaker 03 Yeah.
21:33 Speaker 04 Can't wake her up. And I'm like, glad you had fun.
21:35 Speaker 03 She's on the come down.
21:36 Speaker 04 I was like, mom's going on so true in the morning and now I'm tired as shit.
21:40 Speaker 03 She's fucking shaking. Yeah. She's gonna be like going through fucking withdrawals, like Joaquin Phoenix in Walk the Line.
21:48 Speaker 04 Her makeup's everywhere.
21:49 Speaker 03 Fucking shaking and crying. She said, please, just a little to even me out. You're like, stop. Stop. You have a problem. Butter, quit.
21:59 Speaker 04 It's this pink squid toy too. Like it's actually cunty. Like she just tosses it around.
22:04 Speaker 03 Well, it's not so cute when she ruins her life about it.
22:07 Speaker 04 She's lost her job. She's lost her family at this point.
22:10 Speaker 03 You're like, Butter, there's $20 missing from my purse. Did you steal from me to score? She's like, you're a fucking crazy bitch. I would never do that.
22:24 Speaker 04 I go, you push away all the people who love you.
22:28 Speaker 03 No, but it's not funny. Addiction is very serious. It's, you have to understand we're talking about a cat.
22:35 Speaker 03 Before you get upset with us.
22:37 Speaker 04 I love how after every joke you have to go.
22:39 Speaker 03 No.
22:39 Speaker 04 And that was a bet.
22:41 Speaker 03 Guys, we're kidding. That's a cat we're talking about.
22:45 Speaker 04 Oh, God, I'm so happy I got to bring butter up.
22:47 Speaker 03 Yeah, that's a new, that's a new affect I'm trying out for the show today where after every, every joke I go, guys. That is how it feels sometimes, though, don't you feel? I mean, you podcast, don't you feel sometimes that like you could say truly anything? And some of these dumb fucking morons will be like, they'll just take anything seriously. Do you ever feel like you need to clarify?
23:06 Speaker 04 Everything I say, I do think, we recently were talking about Amber Alerts.
23:14 Speaker 03 I don't know why, that's pretty funny to me, but yeah.
23:16 Speaker 04 And just like how like the second you're trying to do something probably stupid, like I'm like just refreshing my Instagram. And then an Amber Alert comes up and you're like, wow, you just fucked up my entire day because that scared me. And there's a kid and then, yeah, that people didn't like that.
23:34 Speaker 03 People are mad about that? I think what would be cool is if every single person alive got to use the Amber Alert system for personal reasons one time. You get to cash in one in your lifetime.
23:44 Speaker 04 Well, we were like, first of all, it's always the dad.
23:46 Speaker 03 Yeah.
23:47 Speaker 04 Also, why does everyone on the Citizen app have a machete?
23:51 Speaker 03 Citizen app? What is this? Is that like Nextdoor?
23:54 Speaker 04 Don't get it.
23:55 Speaker 03 Okay.
23:55 Speaker 04 It's, it's like, I don't have it.
23:57 Speaker 03 Participate in any of that kind of shit.
23:58 Speaker 04 Because I have high functioning anxiety. Like, I wake up and I feel it. I don't need to get reminded of like everything that's going wrong in the city.
24:05 Speaker 03 Yeah.
24:05 Speaker 04 So like people's moms make them download the Citizen app when they move to New York for the first time.
24:09 Speaker 03 Oh, shit, okay, yeah, so it's one of those.
24:11 Speaker 04 See, I'm a New Yorker. I'm like, welcome to the party.
24:14 Speaker 03 Yeah.
24:14 Speaker 04 Um, so it alerts you of stuff going on. So it just seems like every day outside your door is like a rogue man with a machete.
24:20 Speaker 03 I didn't get this version of Caucasian, like there's a.
24:25 Speaker 03 There's a white person tendency towards like Facebook groups about neighborhood watching and Nextdoor and this stuff. I'm like.
24:32 Speaker 04 The lore?
24:33 Speaker 03 I don't care.
24:35 Speaker 04 You are missing the fuck out cuz the lore of a local neighborhood Facebook group is better than any TMZ.
24:42 Speaker 03 I did, here's what I'll tell you. I did it once when I first moved to Chicago. I joined a neighborhood Facebook group. And it was just a bunch of white people basically alerting me that black and brown people exist.
24:51 Speaker 04 No.
24:52 Speaker 03 They're like, there's a black guy on the block. I was like, yeah, I'm, I know that guy. I'm shy. I'm not really concerned about that.
24:57 Speaker 04 I'm more like, community drama being like, the coffee shop opened and their matcha tastes like shit.
25:02 Speaker 03 No.
25:03 Speaker 04 And then they'll be like, so and so, like, just really, like, drama of the community of people who know each other and trying to, like, low-key take each other down.
25:11 Speaker 03 They should do an app that's only that. I don't wanna hear from, I don't wanna hear from conservatives about crime.
25:16 Speaker 04 They decided, like, to use this bush and plant this type of bush. And then people are like, do you know my dog is allergic to that kinda bush? Like, that's the kinda shit. And like, it gets heightened. The drama's intense.
25:26 Speaker 03 Well, I have a question for you.
25:28 Speaker 04 Yeah.
25:28 Speaker 03 You're born and raised in Brooklyn.
25:29 Speaker 04 Yeah.
25:30 Speaker 03 Born and raised New Yorker.
25:31 Speaker 04 Yeah.
25:31 Speaker 03 What do you, I keep, I keep getting served a lot of videos about transplants. What do you, what do you make, what do you make of it? What do you think of all these people moving, these new kind of, I do feel like there's a new kind of person moving to New York.
25:42 Speaker 04 Hmm, what do you think?
25:43 Speaker 03 I think it used to be, New York used to be for freaks and weirdos and artists.
25:46 Speaker 04 Yes.
25:47 Speaker 03 And gay people and people who didn't fit in where they were from.
25:49 Speaker 04 Yes.
25:50 Speaker 03 And now I feel that there are a bunch of, like, sorority girls and fraternity presidents moving here. Not that there wasn't always like a finance firm.
25:58 Speaker 04 They saw an influencer moved here and posted a couple of things and got punched in the face and got some traction.
26:03 Speaker 03 Yeah, and now they're like, I need to move to New York. Shout out to whoever you're talking about. I don't know who that is.
26:08 Speaker 04 Iconic. So, I try to, I'm not, this is not my battle to fight, you know? I'm fighting a lot of inner demons.
26:15 Speaker 03 Yeah, you got your own shit going on.
26:16 Speaker 04 I like, I like to be like.
26:19 Speaker 03 You've got anxiety, yeah. Your cat's on the fucking brink. You can't be worried about Jessica from Oklahoma.
26:25 Speaker 04 No. I try to be empowering. I like to be like, if you live in New York and you're surviving here, I accept you.
26:33 Speaker 03 Yeah.
26:34 Speaker 04 I'm very like, you're a New Yorker. When you ask me where I'm from and I say Brooklyn, do I think I'm better than you? Yes.
26:38 Speaker 03 Of course.
26:39 Speaker 04 And that's, again, out of my control.
26:42 Speaker 06 Let's be honest. You don't go to the holiday gift exchange just to participate. You go to win. This year, cause a stir. Gift a KitchenAid stand mixer to whip up new traditions. Tis your season to mix it up.
26:56 Speaker 04 Yeah. But I like to be like, if you're here and you're fucking surviving, like, especially people are like, I've been here five years, whatever. I'm like, welcome, babe. Like, you're part of us. We're a melting pot. We're a community. Like, that's what New York City is.
27:09 Speaker 03 Yeah.
27:09 Speaker 04 I don't like when, like, I'll meet a comic who's like, yeah, I'm a Brooklyn comic, and they, like, judge me, and I'm like, babe.
27:17 Speaker 03 Yeah.
27:17 Speaker 04 I'm a Brooklyn comic.
27:18 Speaker 03 I'm a Brooklyn comic. I'm from Brooklyn.
27:20 Speaker 04 I'm from Brooklyn.
27:21 Speaker 03 Yeah.
27:21 Speaker 04 And, but yeah, I, I love, like, accepting New Yorkers. I'm also, we're New Yorker, we're like, I like LA.
27:28 Speaker 03 Oh, my god.
27:28 Speaker 04 Do I talk shit about it? Yes.
27:30 Speaker 03 Yeah.
27:30 Speaker 04 But am I like, I'm not comparing LA, like, they're equal. I'm more like, cute.
27:35 Speaker 03 Yeah.
27:36 Speaker 04 Like, I can appreciate this.
27:37 Speaker 03 If anything, you're comparing LA to, like, Palm Springs. It's like, it's like, it's on its own a little access that it gets compared to other things. It doesn't get compared to New York.
27:43 Speaker 04 Exactly. Like, I'm, I'm not competitive with it. I'm like, it's gorgeous, stunning, beautiful. Could I live there? Maybe not, because I don't have a driver's license, because I'm from New York.
27:53 Speaker 03 You have never gotten a driver's license?
27:54 Speaker 04 No. No, wait. I did.
27:57 Speaker 03 I'd like to teach you how to drive if you ever need, if you ever need help with that.
27:59 Speaker 04 Caleb, I would love that, because I did have a driver's license. My dad made me get it at 24 years old. Um, but I ended it by, like, ramming the curb.
28:08 Speaker 03 Yeah.
28:08 Speaker 04 But the lady already passed me.
28:10 Speaker 03 Yeah.
28:10 Speaker 04 Get out the car. My dad's like, no.
28:12 Speaker 03 Yeah.
28:13 Speaker 04 And I'm like, Dad, she passed me. And he's like, you shouldn't be out.
28:15 Speaker 03 King.
28:16 Speaker 04 Like, no, he was like, tell her.
28:17 Speaker 03 He said, no.
28:19 Speaker 04 He said, no, my dad. You know, some dads, you're like, you're perfect. My dad was like, you were a flawed individual, and you should not be out in these streets. It's unsafe for people, which is so valid.
28:27 Speaker 03 Yeah.
28:27 Speaker 04 So I never really had the confidence. And then during COVID, I didn't know I had to click a button to renew it, because I'm not a fucking woman in STEM. And I lost it, and then I-
28:37 Speaker 03 You're not Marie Curie.
28:41 Speaker 04 So then, I, I tried to get my license again, and I failed the test, which is disappointing. And then I got in my head about it.
28:49 Speaker 03 No, we can get you out of there.
28:51 Speaker 04 Really?
28:51 Speaker 03 When I got my driver's license, I was sixteen. I've been driving since I was like thirteen. But I, when I got my driver's license.
28:58 Speaker 04 You're, I just envisioned you like smoking a cig, like picking up people. That's iconic.
29:04 Speaker 03 Yeah.
29:04 Speaker 04 Thirteen.
29:05 Speaker 03 There's like farmer's licenses, like kids can drive if they live on a farm. And I didn't have one, but if you were driving at that age, like sometimes the cops would just assume you had one. And so I, yeah, I was driving when I was like thirteen.
29:15 Speaker 04 You have to like move corn around or something?
29:17 Speaker 03 Yeah, basically. That's pretty, yeah, that's pretty much it.
29:18 Speaker 04 Yeah.
29:19 Speaker 03 You had, yeah, you have to, like, you need to be able to move a vehicle from point A to point B because you're working on the farm.
29:23 Speaker 04 The seeds.
29:24 Speaker 03 Yeah, the seeds, of course.
29:25 Speaker 04 The yields.
29:25 Speaker 03 The yields, et cetera. What you've reaped and sown, et cetera.
29:28 Speaker 04 Period.
29:29 Speaker 03 Um, but I, when I got my driver's license, the, there was like a snowstorm. My birthday's in January, and so my mom had taken the day off work and she was like, I took off work. We gotta find a way to make this happen. I can't take off work again.
29:39 Speaker 04 Mm-hmm.
29:39 Speaker 03 And so my town wasn't doing the driver's test that day because there was too much snow, but a town like an hour and a half over that I hadn't spent a lot of time in was doing them. My mom's like, we're gonna drive over there and try to get your license. So we went over there and I had to do the driver's test in a town I'm not familiar with, so I didn't understand like some of the one ways and some of the terms and stuff. I, I think you have to get like a, I don't know what it was. Maybe you had to get like a seventy percent to pass or something. The woman, literally, I think I got like two points shy of it. And I was like, we, we like finished it and I was like, I don't know what to do. Like my mom took off work. I'm not gonna be able to get my license for a year. I like, I have a job. Like I need to be able to drive.
30:13 Speaker 04 Wait, you literally were like, I'm fucking adorable.
30:15 Speaker 03 I was like, I'm a single father. I was like, I need to be able to drive to my job at Golden Corral.
30:21 Speaker 04 You go, Carol.
30:22 Speaker 03 Carol, hear me out. She passed me. She added, she added four points.
30:28 Speaker 04 Wait.
30:28 Speaker 03 She added four points.
30:29 Speaker 04 I'm so obsessed with you. I love how you, you go, this is why I brought you here.
30:34 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
30:35 Speaker 04 I go, what you just saw is not a reflection of my character.
30:37 Speaker 03 Yeah, I was like, this is not who I am.
30:38 Speaker 04 This is who I am.
30:39 Speaker 03 You know my swag? Not my story. I was like, I need four points. And she did it. She was like, oh, okay.
30:46 Speaker 04 You go, have you ever been, um, has anyone ever gone down on you, Karen?
30:50 Speaker 03 Karen, hey. What do you need? There's lots of different ways that people can show appreciation for things. How's your day going?
30:58 Speaker 04 Karen, I like your hair.
30:59 Speaker 03 I love the way you look, girl.
31:01 Speaker 04 The half updo is murdering.
31:03 Speaker 03 This job seems tough. You probably need help relaxing every once in a while.
31:09 Speaker 04 Have you ever tried a foot massage? There's pressure points.
31:13 Speaker 03 You ever been with a young man?
31:16 Speaker 03 You ever been with a young man who spends his days decorating cakes at Golden Corral?
31:21 Speaker 03 It takes an intricate and gentle hand.
31:24 Speaker 04 You go, "You know I'm hairless."
31:26 Speaker 03 Come on. What are you into? I just hit puberty. Shit's wild over here.
31:34 Speaker 03 My energy is crazy.
31:35 Speaker 04 She's like, "I will give you four points to get the fuck out of this car."
31:38 Speaker 03 And she did.
31:40 Speaker 04 It's funny because when I took my driver's license test again, I don't even know what it's called. As I'm just, it's chaos, the guy looks at me and he goes, "You passed this before." And I was like, "I don't need the shade."
31:54 Speaker 03 Fuck, hey.
31:55 Speaker 04 Like, "I'm clearly fighting for my life here in this car."
31:58 Speaker 03 He's like, "I am too." He's like, "We're all fighting for our lives if you're behind the wheel."
32:02 Speaker 04 We got it. He's like, "Buckle up, bitch."
32:03 Speaker 03 Honey.
32:04 Speaker 04 I just feel like they're not rooting for me. Like, I want positive energy around me at all times and I get in and I feel like the guy's like, first of all, he's like, "She's a woman."
32:11 Speaker 03 Yeah.
32:13 Speaker 04 And that's a battle that like...
32:14 Speaker 03 Yeah.
32:15 Speaker 04 And then I'm trying to be out here fighting for female pilots, but I can't even drive and like, it's been difficult for me. Cause I should, I don't know if I should drive.
32:23 Speaker 03 Sorry, I'm gonna cry.
32:26 Speaker 03 The bravery that you're... Oh fuck, I promised I wouldn't cry, sorry.
32:31 Speaker 04 I didn't cry over my cat literally relapsing.
32:34 Speaker 03 I didn't care about that. I just, the bravery you're exhibiting in being a woman. Like, thank you for being a woman and speaking on that.
32:41 Speaker 04 Thank you.
32:41 Speaker 03 Cause women to me are like, you know.
32:43 Speaker 04 Well, like, a lot of, I do, not to talk about pilots so much.
32:52 Speaker 03 Obviously not to talk about pilots so much, people are always accusing me of this.
32:55 Speaker 04 I bring it up every fucking time I see you. But I feel like we need more empathy over the mic.
33:01 Speaker 03 Yeah.
33:02 Speaker 04 Do you ever feel like the male pilots? They, they'll be like, "We're delayed" and then like, "Don't communicate with you."
33:08 Speaker 03 Well, the way that the male pil- I have a lot of problems with flying. I do it often enough to have like, a lot of opinions on it.
33:14 Speaker 04 I mean, yeah, that's all my opinions.
33:15 Speaker 03 And for, I think for, you know, I think some people don't care, but I'll just, when a male pilot comes over, first of all, male pilot, whoa.
33:22 Speaker 04 I, I, you have the same male pilot.
33:24 Speaker 03 You know, to have those words together.
33:26 Speaker 04 You have the same male pilot. You know, they never once said sorry for turbulence.
33:30 Speaker 03 They go, they go, hey, this is your captain speaking. Uh, yeah, it can be 45 minutes till we push back. Just kinda how it is, the, the, the skies are what they are today and gotta get approval from the tower. And, you know, we'll, uh, we'll get you out of here when we can. Thanks for choosing Delta. I'm like, Jesus Christ.
33:46 Speaker 04 You know when they try to throw in like a little joke and you're like not in the mood? And I'm like, start a podcast or crash this fucking plane and leave me alone.
33:53 Speaker 03 Do you know what I do love though? I love a gay flight attendant who's doing too much.
33:57 Speaker 04 See, the stewardess?
33:59 Speaker 03 Yeah.
33:59 Speaker 04 That is my entertainment.
34:00 Speaker 03 I don't think you're supposed to call them that.
34:02 Speaker 04 Oh, sorry.
34:06 Speaker 04 Sorry, the stewardess?
34:07 Speaker 03 Stewardess. When it's plural, stewardess.
34:10 Speaker 04 Fuck, did I just cancel?
34:11 Speaker 03 Stewardess, yeah, you're over.
34:12 Speaker 04 I feel like they identify stewardesses though.
34:15 Speaker 03 Flight, no.
34:15 Speaker 04 Have you ever met a steward?
34:17 Speaker 03 Dude, flight attendant, flight attendant.
34:19 Speaker 04 Cause I go.
34:19 Speaker 03 Twitter's about to go off on you. You don't wanna get on the wrong side of flight attendant Twitter. They've got those ascots wrapped tight. They're up, they're, they're upset, dude.
34:29 Speaker 04 I like.
34:29 Speaker 03 Shit's not been the same since COVID, am I right, flight attendants?
34:32 Speaker 04 I like when they're annoyed.
34:35 Speaker 03 Yeah.
34:35 Speaker 04 Cause I, when they're nice, I'm like, you're too good to us. Like, you, also like you don't even tip them.
34:40 Speaker 03 Yeah.
34:41 Speaker 04 Like everyone, including, you know, the barista who didn't do anything is getting tipped. But a flight attendant who's fucking like taking care of you so much, they don't get tips.
34:49 Speaker 03 Well, a lot of them don't act like they wanna tip.
34:53 Speaker 04 I love when they judge your order.
34:54 Speaker 03 You wanna tip, flight attendant?
34:56 Speaker 04 I love when they judge my order. I'm like, orange juice? And they're like, it's 3pm. And they're like, ice? And I'm like, yeah. And they're like.
35:03 Speaker 03 You, you fool.
35:04 Speaker 04 I was like, they don't give me enough good options. Like, I want a fun drink. Like, I want like, uh, uh, lavender green tea. But like, they don't have it.
35:13 Speaker 03 I love, I will say, uh, I, me and, I would say 98% of flight attendants I have, we, we form a special connection. I really do love them. We get so close. I like to ask them little, I like to ask them inside baseball questions.
35:25 Speaker 04 Wait, you like to be their favorite?
35:27 Speaker 03 I go, I go, oh, I, this is my, I'm like this. Like, I can't help, I wanna be everyone's.
35:31 Speaker 04 Like, he says something, looks at you, and you give him the look like that was good. Yeah.
35:34 Speaker 03 Like, yeah, like I'll get on and I'll be like, like, if there's a, if there's been a delay or something, I'll be like, I'll be like, you guys have had better days.
35:40 Speaker 04 You go full dad joke with them?
35:41 Speaker 03 Disgusting, yeah.
35:42 Speaker 04 You have the same jokes every flight.
35:44 Speaker 03 I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, do you guys get, do you guys get to go home after this? Or you staying, you staying over somewhere? And they're like, ah, yeah, 12 hour, 12 hour stay in Chicago.
35:51 Speaker 04 Wait, I love the inside baseball.
35:53 Speaker 03 I go, back to Atlanta, you Braves fan? You know, I'm like, there's something wrong with me.
35:58 Speaker 04 Wait, so he's going through everyone, but then when he sees you, he's like, Caleb?
36:01 Speaker 03 Yeah, truly.
36:01 Speaker 04 You know, that you have a handshake with him?
36:03 Speaker 03 One of my, one of my greatest joys in life is that I've gotten a lot of, you know, when a flight attendant likes you, they can write you a note on a, on a postcard and give it to you. I've gotten a lot of those.
36:12 Speaker 04 Have you gotten the, they put all the snacks in the Ziploc?
36:15 Speaker 03 Yeah.
36:16 Speaker 04 That shit.
36:17 Speaker 03 I've never gotten wings, though. I think they only do it for kids.
36:21 Speaker 04 Oh, now, oh, interesting. What if I get it and I go, no wings?
36:25 Speaker 03 No wings, yeah. I do want wings. I do want them to say, you're, I want to be a member of the Delta family.
36:30 Speaker 04 I'm a huge proponent of Delta headphones.
36:33 Speaker 03 Yeah.
36:33 Speaker 04 Cause I don't believe in Bluetooth. I think it's kinda...
36:37 Speaker 03 Be careful.
36:40 Speaker 03 Just be careful. Just be careful, cause we had a guest recently who floated some ideas and...
36:48 Speaker 03 Hey, just, I'm just gonna tell you be careful. That's all I'm gonna say.
36:50 Speaker 04 You go, don't float any ideas on this phone.
36:53 Speaker 03 I got scared for you. I got scared for you.
36:55 Speaker 04 No, I believe in science. Where do I, I believe in science.
36:58 Speaker 03 Yeah, I would just stick with that.
36:59 Speaker 04 My thing with Bluetooth, I just feel like someone's gonna like, be like, hello? Like, someone's gonna come in.
37:04 Speaker 03 Yeah.
37:05 Speaker 04 To it. And also I, I lose it all the time. So I've, also, you know, like, the frat boys that had the like, I don't know, I don't trust, I don't like it.
37:14 Speaker 03 Yeah.
37:14 Speaker 04 It looks lame to me.
37:15 Speaker 03 It's cool, yeah, looking lame is totally cool.
37:20 Speaker 03 I just went to a really dark place because I remembered, I tried, uh, I tried at a cafe recent, like, this week.
37:26 Speaker 04 Yeah.
37:27 Speaker 03 There's a cafe where I'm friendly with the people who work there. And I opened my Spotify to play music into my headphones while I was working. And the jam for the cafe.
37:34 Speaker 04 Do you have AirPods or headphones?
37:36 Speaker 03 I do the AirPod Max.
37:37 Speaker 04 Okay, those I'm okay with.
37:38 Speaker 03 Okay.
37:38 Speaker 04 Yeah.
37:39 Speaker 03 Thank you.
37:39 Speaker 04 It's different.
37:40 Speaker 03 But I, the, the jam popped up that was like, do you want to join, um, you know, so and so, I don't want to say his name.
37:45 Speaker 04 Yeah.
37:45 Speaker 03 But the barista, whose name I know, was like, do you want to join his jam? And so I could control the music in the cafe. And I did. I like hopped on and added a song and I, I thought it'd be funny and I, I'm like smiling at him and he looks at me and goes...
37:58 Speaker 03 I like totally.
37:59 Speaker 04 You lost your privileges?
37:59 Speaker 03 I think, cause I changed the vibe a little bit, but I thought it was like fun.
38:02 Speaker 04 What vibe did you change it to?
38:03 Speaker 03 Well, he was playing like, he was playing like, um, like dancy, like dancy, kind of like salsa music.
38:09 Speaker 04 Okay.
38:10 Speaker 03 And I did put on, well, I put on Big Thief, but.
38:18 Speaker 03 And I just said, I didn't, it didn't play. I thought it was gonna be funny. I'd be like, oh my God, what if we were listening to Big Thief now instead?
38:23 Speaker 04 Wait, should we make DJing the coffee shop a thing?
38:26 Speaker 03 Dude, I would, literally me and you, let's DJ at a coffee shop.
38:30 Speaker 04 So and so's DJing, we gotta come through.
38:32 Speaker 03 Meet me at Prima, yeah. Me and Hannah, me and Hannah are gonna be on the, we're gonna be fucking spinning at Prima.
38:39 Speaker 03 I'm just, I'm just, I'm just putting on Big Thief over and over again. I'm like, y'all are gonna listen to the Fruit Bats and enjoy it.
38:44 Speaker 04 What's your opinion on DJs?
38:46 Speaker 03 DJs? Um, I don't.
38:48 Speaker 04 You got scared.
38:49 Speaker 03 I don't care much about them. There's a couple that I like. I, if you're not trans, you shouldn't be a DJ. Is my opinion. If you're not a doll, it's like only dolls should be DJs. They have an innate understanding of what music can and should be.
39:00 Speaker 04 Yes.
39:01 Speaker 03 If you're not a doll, get off.
39:02 Speaker 04 Doll DJ.
39:03 Speaker 03 Doll DJ, that's it. If you're not a doll, you can't be a DJ.
39:05 Speaker 04 Doll DJ.
39:05 Speaker 03 And I'm like, like even trans masks, I'm sorry, brother, you can't be back there.
39:08 Speaker 04 Hmm, okay, so it's specific.
39:10 Speaker 03 Specifically a doll.
39:10 Speaker 04 Yeah.
39:11 Speaker 03 Specifically a doll.
39:12 Speaker 04 I love that.
39:12 Speaker 03 Yeah, I'm sorry to Emmett and Liam, but you guys need to hop off.
39:16 Speaker 04 Names are being thrown around.
39:18 Speaker 03 That's just any trans guy, yeah.
39:22 Speaker 03 No, I'm like, sorry, brother. I love you to death. I respect you more than you'll ever know. You need to let the dolls back there.
39:30 Speaker 03 It's just, it's how it is.
39:31 Speaker 04 I just envisioned us DJing a coffee shop while snorting catnip and like, it was lit.
39:36 Speaker 03 I do think we should.
39:37 Speaker 04 I had a vision.
39:38 Speaker 03 I think actually DJing a coffee shop would be a really fun something for us. We could do something really fun with that.
39:43 Speaker 04 Yeah, we're touring across the nation.
39:47 Speaker 03 It's like how Trixie does Solid Pink Disco. We do a coffee shop version where I'm just playing like acoustic covers.
39:53 Speaker 04 People are just in the bathroom shitting themselves.
39:56 Speaker 03 I do prefer that.
39:57 Speaker 04 Yeah.
39:58 Speaker 03 I would prefer that over like a dance party or a rave. I'm like, obviously just come to the coffee shop. We'll have some lattes together.
40:03 Speaker 04 Like, welcome to your thirties.
40:04 Speaker 06 Let's be honest, you don't go to the family holiday gift exchange just to participate. You go to win. This year, get a gift that'll cause a stir. A KitchenAid stand mixer. It's not just an appliance, it's a present to help them with the making. Year after year, recipe after recipe, you're enabling the family to whip up new traditions. Tis your season to mix it up. Gift a KitchenAid stand mixer this year and make more than meals.
40:32 Speaker 03 I was never a barista.
40:35 Speaker 04 I love how you're like, this is gonna be the craziest thing you've ever heard. I was never a barista.
40:39 Speaker 03 I have regret about it.
40:40 Speaker 04 Well, baristas, it's an art.
40:42 Speaker 03 Yeah.
40:42 Speaker 04 Like, you have to have actual skills.
40:44 Speaker 03 It's a real skill and I have, I have regret about never being a barista. It was never one of my survival jobs.
40:48 Speaker 04 I never trusted myself to be a barista. I have very, um, thick fingers.
40:52 Speaker 03 Yeah.
40:52 Speaker 04 And I feel like I would fuck up. And you're, it's one thing when people are drunk and you're fucking up people's orders of the bartender. They don't know.
40:58 Speaker 03 Yeah.
40:59 Speaker 04 This is setting up people's day for success or failure.
41:01 Speaker 03 Yeah.
41:02 Speaker 04 And that's too much to have on my shoulders.
41:04 Speaker 03 There's two occupations I have never dabbled in because I respect them too much. One is musicians, one is baristas. I never touched it.
41:10 Speaker 04 I agree.
41:10 Speaker 03 I stayed out of there.
41:11 Speaker 04 I was a good, um, host.
41:13 Speaker 03 Yeah.
41:14 Speaker 04 Like, I came in and I was warm.
41:15 Speaker 03 I know you were.
41:16 Speaker 04 And then I was doing some side deals. I was like, you guys are three, but I could get you in a two top.
41:20 Speaker 03 Whoa.
41:20 Speaker 04 You sit at the corner.
41:21 Speaker 03 Whoa.
41:22 Speaker 04 Like, I was.
41:23 Speaker 03 You were crowding.
41:23 Speaker 04 I was doing some illegal shit.
41:24 Speaker 03 You were brokering deals.
41:25 Speaker 04 I was brokering, I was sixteen.
41:27 Speaker 03 You're making shit happen.
41:28 Speaker 04 Like, I gave me a twenty and I was like, oh, this is not going towards my taxes.
41:32 Speaker 03 Dude, in my hometown, there was only an Applebee's.
41:35 Speaker 04 Wait, I'm, I'm obsessed with our upbringing being so different, but in this moment, we're so connected.
41:40 Speaker 03 Yeah, we're, now we're the same.
41:42 Speaker 04 Yeah.
41:42 Speaker 03 But in many ways, we were different.
41:43 Speaker 04 Yeah.
41:44 Speaker 03 I did not grow up in Brooklyn.
41:45 Speaker 04 Yeah.
41:46 Speaker 03 Not close.
41:46 Speaker 04 But now you're in Brooklyn, I'm out of Brooklyn.
41:48 Speaker 03 Yeah, now you live in Missouri, don't you? You, don't you live in Missouri?
41:52 Speaker 03 Aren't you in a small town in Missouri? You live in a farming community in Missouri, don't you?
41:55 Speaker 04 Years ago, you almost opened for me.
41:57 Speaker 03 No, I did not.
41:59 Speaker 04 No wait, listen, I'm talking years ago.
42:01 Speaker 03 What is this?
42:02 Speaker 04 You DM'd me.
42:03 Speaker 03 What?
42:04 Speaker 04 And you were like, can I come through to like, like, drop in to do a spot?
42:09 Speaker 03 Oh yes, when you played the Truman. I was trying to do time because you were in Kansas City.
42:12 Speaker 04 And then it never happened.
42:13 Speaker 03 I know, that was sick. That was sick. I do that.
42:16 Speaker 04 You were open, you were dropping by.
42:17 Speaker 03 I do that. No, no, no, but yeah, I would love to open for you. I just know, when people are in Kansas City, I'll message them sometimes and be like, hey, can I come do time?
42:23 Speaker 04 No, I was like so excited.
42:25 Speaker 03 I know, I'm sorry, I do that. That's really fucked up of me.
42:27 Speaker 04 Wait, that's so funny though, that that's like your thing. It's more like you're like, hey, I'm here.
42:31 Speaker 03 Yeah.
42:32 Speaker 04 And I could.
42:32 Speaker 03 It's more, it's more that I, really I think often what I'm doing is-
42:35 Speaker 04 You get excited.
42:36 Speaker 03 I get excited. I want, when I send the message, I want to do time. And then the time comes around and I've either left town or I don't want to do a show. And so I'm like, oh, I can't bother them by just coming and being a fan now.
42:46 Speaker 04 That's the problem. Michelle Obama.
42:49 Speaker 03 Say it.
42:50 Speaker 04 To quote her.
42:51 Speaker 03 Say it.
42:52 Speaker 04 Is like, this is not the quote, I butcher every quote, but she basically was like, learn how to say no.
42:56 Speaker 03 Yeah.
42:56 Speaker 04 And if it's not a hell yes, say no.
42:59 Speaker 03 Yeah.
42:59 Speaker 04 And I wasn't a hell yes to doing my show.
43:01 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
43:03 Speaker 04 But I tried to be like, if, if I don't want to do it tonight, don't say yes. But I've never wanted to do anything.
43:08 Speaker 03 I never want to do anything.
43:09 Speaker 04 We would never do anything if we lived.
43:10 Speaker 03 I never want to do anything.
43:12 Speaker 04 You have to force yourself.
43:13 Speaker 03 I hate doing everything. I hate doing everything. I hate seeing my favorite people in the world.
43:18 Speaker 04 Yeah.
43:18 Speaker 03 I hate going to, like, I, any, everything is an inconvenience.
43:22 Speaker 04 For sure.
43:22 Speaker 03 And I do it all. I do all of it. I literally, I wanted to cancel a dinner yesterday. I was going to see a friend I haven't seen in a long time at a restaurant I love where I know the food is incredible.
43:30 Speaker 04 Yeah.
43:30 Speaker 03 And I know like the, the staff at the restaurant, I was like, it's gonna be a great night.
43:34 Speaker 04 Everything was set up.
43:35 Speaker 03 Wanted to cancel.
43:36 Speaker 04 Yeah.
43:36 Speaker 03 Almost canceled on my way to the thing.
43:37 Speaker 04 Because you know what? The cancellation high is better than any high you would have, you get from going.
43:43 Speaker 03 And I'll never be let down, here's the thing, I can be let down by a plan, I've been let down by plenty of plans. I've never been let down by getting high on my couch. Ever.
43:51 Speaker 04 Well, because every horrible thing that's ever happened in my life has been when I went outside.
43:56 Speaker 03 Yes.
43:57 Speaker 04 So statistically, why would I go outside again?
44:00 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah.
44:01 Speaker 04 And that's just science.
44:02 Speaker 03 Yeah, and yet, I need to go outside.
44:04 Speaker 04 The only time I go outside is to fart.
44:07 Speaker 03 Yeah, you fart outside.
44:09 Speaker 04 And inside. And inside, I do inside too. But like, farting outside is a freedom.
44:14 Speaker 03 There is a freedom to farting outside.
44:16 Speaker 04 And especially as a woman, we are privileged, that like, you can get away with so much.
44:21 Speaker 03 I'm gonna cry again.
44:24 Speaker 03 The way you talk about girlhood is so beautiful.
44:26 Speaker 04 No, like, I represent all women.
44:33 Speaker 04 Delete that.
44:34 Speaker 03 No, keep it in. Keep it in.
44:38 Speaker 04 I am woman.
44:39 Speaker 03 I am woman, hear me roar. This is my fight song.
44:44 Speaker 04 Oh, I did Katy Perry.
44:45 Speaker 03 Fuck, I did, this is my fight song.
44:47 Speaker 04 Who is now very smart and successful.
44:50 Speaker 03 Who? Rachel Platten?
44:51 Speaker 04 Yeah.
44:52 Speaker 03 What's happening? What do you mean?
44:53 Speaker 04 Wait, have you, you're not up on your Rachel, you're not up on your white girl Rachel fights on you?
44:57 Speaker 03 I don't think so.
44:58 Speaker 04 I don't know her last name, but I know she's up to shit, because I support women.
45:01 Speaker 03 What's she up to? I don't.
45:02 Speaker 04 She has chants.
45:04 Speaker 05 I'm looking it up.
45:04 Speaker 03 I don't support women, has that been a mistake?
45:06 Speaker 04 He's like, women don't come up on my feed.
45:08 Speaker 03 Yeah.
45:08 Speaker 04 Women on Google.
45:09 Speaker 03 My computer doesn't register women.
45:12 Speaker 04 A cis white woman? Nope, delete.
45:16 Speaker 05 She's doing philanthropy? Is that what you're talking about?
45:17 Speaker 04 No, she has like, she's like a rocket scientist now.
45:21 Speaker 03 So, hey, you made this up.
45:25 Speaker 03 Hey, it's obviously all love, you made that up.
45:28 Speaker 04 What if someone's like, that's a different Rachel?
45:30 Speaker 03 And I send you my support.
45:32 Speaker 04 What is she doing?
45:33 Speaker 03 Hey, it's nothing personal, you made that up.
45:35 Speaker 04 I feel like-
45:36 Speaker 05 I Googled rocket science, Rachel Platten, and a band called Rocket Science covered one of her songs, and that's all that's coming up.
45:43 Speaker 03 Oh, oh Hannah.
45:44 Speaker 04 Someone needs to defend me, okay?
45:47 Speaker 03 Oh Hannah.
45:49 Speaker 04 Wait, look at her LinkedIn.
45:50 Speaker 03 Oh Hannah.
45:51 Speaker 04 Bring up her LinkedIn. That was millennial shit.
45:53 Speaker 03 Her LinkedIn!
45:54 Speaker 04 That was so embarrassing.
45:56 Speaker 03 Her LinkedIn? Hannah Berner. Not her LinkedIn. Not her being covered by a band called Rocket Science and you thought she worked at NASA.
46:07 Speaker 04 No.
46:07 Speaker 03 Hannah Berner.
46:10 Speaker 04 Okay, I think he's not even Googling.
46:12 Speaker 03 He's trying to help you, honey, there's nothing on the internet that can help. You just made something up completely and we're offing to live in it.
46:18 Speaker 05 She just has a new album.
46:20 Speaker 04 If you talk bad about women one more time.
46:23 Speaker 03 I don't like women, I thought I'd been so clear about that.
46:25 Speaker 04 Wait, everyone likes Rachel Platten, though.
46:28 Speaker 03 I like Rachel Platten.
46:29 Speaker 04 Because she had like a one-hit wonder.
46:31 Speaker 03 One-hit wonder is fun, she's represented by Red Light Management, I guess.
46:34 Speaker 04 Is it not Rachel Platten?
46:36 Speaker 03 You're thinking of someone else.
46:37 Speaker 04 Wait, no, I'm thinking of someone else.
46:39 Speaker 03 I am Rachel Platten, she's in the studio.
46:42 Speaker 04 Wait, are you?
46:42 Speaker 03 She's gorgeous, by the way.
46:43 Speaker 04 Stunning. Looks like, looks-
46:45 Speaker 03 She's gorgeous.
46:45 Speaker 04 It's giving Blake Lively cousin.
46:49 Speaker 03 Yeah.
46:50 Speaker 04 Controversial take.
46:52 Speaker 03 They could totally be cousins. No, I want to thank you for saying that.
46:54 Speaker 04 Okay, it's not Rachel Platten that I'm thinking of.
46:56 Speaker 03 Who are you thinking of?
46:58 Speaker 04 Can you Google?
46:59 Speaker 05 Woman successful?
47:03 Speaker 04 Woman who did something was.
47:04 Speaker 03 Astronaut career change. See what that brings up.
47:07 Speaker 04 Female pilot, pop star.
47:11 Speaker 04 Yeah, Google. Anyway, we do the rest of the pod, just me asking him to Google someone.
47:14 Speaker 03 I was, I think I was anti-woman recently.
47:16 Speaker 04 What happened?
47:16 Speaker 03 I did something, or I thought something.
47:18 Speaker 04 You guys did this pod with you?
47:19 Speaker 03 I did this pod with you.
47:21 Speaker 03 No, I saw a video that really got under my skin. I wonder how you'll feel about it. It was a video. Did I talk about this already on the pod, Chance? I don't remember.
47:27 Speaker 04 I love that that's his job.
47:28 Speaker 03 Kind of. It's like, did I already say this? You know, we do so many of these. I'm like, I fucking, who knows what I've said?
47:33 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah.
47:33 Speaker 03 But I, I saw this TikTok that was like, seven girls in a kitchen. And it was cute. I liked, it was like, seven girls in a kitchen, like, dancing and singing along to a song. And they were clearly a little drunk. And it was like, late at night. And it was like, how would you ever even explain this to a boy? And I was like, that's one of the stupidest things I've ever seen. Like, I'm so, I love women, but I'm like, you, sometimes we've lost the plot. Like, I think boys have listened to a song before. Like, let's, can we get a little bit of a grip?
47:58 Speaker 04 Also, I want to know the actual tea, like, who's mad at who? Like, let's be honest.
48:04 Speaker 04 Who didn't want to do that TikTok? And you're like, we're doing this TikTok to show that we are happy, we're having so much fun, we don't need men.
48:09 Speaker 03 It's like, I just feel like, there's so many beautiful things about female friendship. And one of them is not that you uniquely understand, listening to a song.
48:16 Speaker 04 And I'm a particular girl. You know when your friends would break out in song? I didn't fuck with that.
48:21 Speaker 03 Oh, I disagree. I think that's so beautiful. You don't like that?
48:25 Speaker 04 Cause I'm butch.
48:29 Speaker 04 I'm a butch, straight girl.
48:30 Speaker 03 You're a butch, straight girl.
48:31 Speaker 04 Like, I, I didn't like it. I didn't, mm-mm.
48:35 Speaker 03 Have you ever trafficked in pick-me behaviors? Be honest.
48:38 Speaker 04 Yes.
48:39 Speaker 03 Really?
48:39 Speaker 04 Well, also, I'm a girl who likes sports. Like, I'm that girl that knows, I'm like, in this moment, if I say, like, anything that I know about this sport, like, oh, he just had a double-double.
48:51 Speaker 03 Yeah.
48:52 Speaker 04 A guy will get an erection.
48:53 Speaker 03 Yeah.
48:53 Speaker 04 They're very easy.
48:54 Speaker 03 Yeah.
48:55 Speaker 04 And in your twenties, I think, let's be honest, I didn't have TikTok. I didn't know what a pick-me was. In your twenties, as millennials, we all were pick-me's. We were raised by Disney movies.
49:04 Speaker 03 Yeah.
49:04 Speaker 04 It was literally, you wake up, and I go, who's my crush? And how do I find him?
49:08 Speaker 03 Yeah.
49:08 Speaker 04 And how do I trick him?
49:09 Speaker 03 Yeah.
49:09 Speaker 04 And then, in my thirties, I woke up one morning, I said, we've been doing this all wrong.
49:13 Speaker 03 Yeah.
49:14 Speaker 04 We are backwards and this is fucked up and I'm I've my whole life has changed but I also
49:23 Speaker 04 I'm married and that is the ultimate pick me behavior. I got picked.
49:27 Speaker 03 That's really, yeah, that's gross.
49:27 Speaker 04 But now I'm embarrassed by it. No, it's disgusting.
49:30 Speaker 03 It's horrible.
49:31 Speaker 04 I sucked up to a guy so much that he was like, I want to spend
49:34 Speaker 03 Eternity.
49:35 Speaker 04 Eternity with you.
49:36 Speaker 03 Plots next to each other, burial vibes.
49:37 Speaker 04 Literally.
49:39 Speaker 03 Yeah.
49:39 Speaker 04 So, but no, pick me shit. I had a whole bit about like, yeah, stuff that you have done and pretended to like because of a man.
49:48 Speaker 03 Yeah.
49:48 Speaker 04 You know, girls are like anal, um.
49:51 Speaker 03 You think anal is pick me behavior?
49:54 Speaker 04 I don't want to say something homophobic.
49:56 Speaker 03 No, I don't think it would be homophobic.
49:57 Speaker 04 I've, I've.
49:58 Speaker 03 You've said a lot of homophobic stuff.
49:59 Speaker 04 He goes, that's the least homophobic.
50:00 Speaker 03 Off mic, yeah. Before you got on, you were very much like
50:05 Speaker 03 saying some very off color stuff about gay people. So I don't think this is where it's gonna be.
50:10 Speaker 04 Oh my god, um, I tried anal once. The first time.
50:15 Speaker 03 How'd it go?
50:16 Speaker 04 In a shower.
50:18 Speaker 03 Yikes.
50:19 Speaker 04 She, talk about making the wrong decisions in life.
50:23 Speaker 03 Yeah.
50:23 Speaker 04 You shouldn't have sex in a shower, period.
50:25 Speaker 03 Yeah.
50:26 Speaker 04 Somehow it gets drier.
50:27 Speaker 03 Yeah.
50:27 Speaker 04 As you go.
50:28 Speaker 03 Yeah.
50:29 Speaker 04 And the one thing you need to have with anal is a little bit of
50:32 Speaker 03 Water's not lubricant.
50:33 Speaker 04 No.
50:34 Speaker 03 You guys have to understand this, water is not lubricant.
50:36 Speaker 04 Ow, this is hurting me.
50:38 Speaker 03 Oh yeah, sorry.
50:39 Speaker 04 But I mean, I didn't, I didn't commit. Like it was like, it didn't even have a chance.
50:43 Speaker 03 Yeah.
50:44 Speaker 04 And I said, no, thank you.
50:46 Speaker 03 Yeah.
50:46 Speaker 04 And then I was triggered.
50:47 Speaker 03 Yeah, I'm sorry that happened to you.
50:49 Speaker 04 It's okay.
50:50 Speaker 03 That can be so tough.
50:51 Speaker 04 It's okay, but I, I want people to have fun.
50:57 Speaker 03 Anal's such an ordeal.
50:59 Speaker 04 Yeah, there's crap.
51:00 Speaker 03 Sex is really a production in general. It's like sex is like, obviously it's fun and like I have to do it like a couple of times a week or else I'll die, but it, um.
51:08 Speaker 04 Or day.
51:09 Speaker 03 It's such a or day, it's such a production. It's like such a, I just can't believe how much goes into it.
51:13 Speaker 04 As an eater?
51:14 Speaker 03 Thank you.
51:15 Speaker 04 It doesn't like work with my lifestyle.
51:18 Speaker 03 Yeah.
51:18 Speaker 04 Like I hate when you start dating someone and you have to like, think twice about what you're about to eat because of what you're about to do.
51:24 Speaker 03 Yeah.
51:25 Speaker 04 And I feel like that's, it's controlling, it's
51:27 Speaker 03 It's control.
51:28 Speaker 04 It's no like, it's gaslighting.
51:30 Speaker 03 Yeah.
51:31 Speaker 04 I don't like it at all.
51:32 Speaker 03 Yeah, it is gaslighting. Say that. Say that, by the way.
51:36 Speaker 04 This taco is gaslighting me and, and yeah, I also think that people normalize that sex is just like, everyone's coming all the time.
51:45 Speaker 03 Yeah.
51:46 Speaker 04 And it's just not like that, especially, you know, for women.
51:49 Speaker 03 Thank you.
51:50 Speaker 04 For women.
51:51 Speaker 03 I'm gonna cry again.
51:54 Speaker 03 The way you stand up for women is so beautiful. It almost makes me like women, like,
51:59 Speaker 03 the way you talk about women almost makes me go like, wait a minute.
52:02 Speaker 04 They need help.
52:03 Speaker 03 These people deserve respect potentially.
52:04 Speaker 04 They need help.
52:05 Speaker 03 Yeah, I'm like, I'm actually low key gonna respect women soon, I think.
52:09 Speaker 04 I know, but yeah, right now, I feel like there's a lot of just like sex on TV that just looks so fucking hot. And then when you don't have the experience, you feel bad.
52:18 Speaker 03 Yeah.
52:19 Speaker 04 So I think we have to have messier, I mean, my whole, my first stand up special, I had a whole just thing about like, normalizing queefing. We have zero queef representation.
52:29 Speaker 03 Yeah.
52:29 Speaker 04 When it happens, you feel guilty.
52:31 Speaker 03 I don't know what that is.
52:33 Speaker 04 Wait.
52:34 Speaker 03 It's like, I know the pussy makes a noise, but I don't know why it's happening or what we should feel about it.
52:38 Speaker 04 Wait, so I'm like a queef, um.
52:41 Speaker 03 I'm not gonna, this is so like classic gay guy, but this is making me sick.
52:48 Speaker 03 Sorry, it's like, it's already kinda hot in here. And it's like, actually, I'm getting a little nauseous. Well, it's just like, why would, oh.
52:56 Speaker 04 No, but this is the thing.
52:57 Speaker 03 It's kind of hot in here.
52:58 Speaker 04 It happens, right?
52:59 Speaker 03 Yeah.
53:00 Speaker 04 And then the girl feels bad. And I'm trying to, cause I'm a proponent for women, I'm saying, he queefed you.
53:07 Speaker 03 She feels bad that the pussy makes noise?
53:09 Speaker 04 Yeah, he queefed you. And I know that, cause I've never queefed alone.
53:12 Speaker 03 Yeah.
53:13 Speaker 04 And he goes, you queefed. And then you're like, I'm sorry.
53:16 Speaker 03 What's wrong with that?
53:17 Speaker 04 He started like stuffing you with air.
53:20 Speaker 03 What, I'm sorry, he gets, sorry, the guy.
53:22 Speaker 04 Cause you made a noise. But like, he made a noise on you.
53:26 Speaker 03 The guy gets mad that your pussy made a noise?
53:28 Speaker 04 Well, it's like embarrassing. Like when you're the girl in sex, if god forbid you fart, or you, you know, make a weird sound, it's like, it, it's on you. But men could be like disgusting and it's like hot.
53:42 Speaker 03 Come on with straight people.
53:43 Speaker 04 No, we, this, it's a problem.
53:45 Speaker 03 I don't understand why it would be a problem for the body to make a noise when you're fucking.
53:48 Speaker 04 No, because it's, I guess it's normalized for girls to just be like. Blow up dolls.
53:55 Speaker 03 Yeah.
53:55 Speaker 04 Which blow up doll would queef.
53:57 Speaker 03 Make noise, yeah.
53:57 Speaker 04 That would queef.
53:58 Speaker 03 I would think they would squeak a little.
53:59 Speaker 04 But yeah, I'm trying to normalize girls, you know, being like, you queefed. I didn't queef, you queefed, motherfucker.
54:04 Speaker 03 Yeah, okay.
54:06 Speaker 04 But it's honestly, it's a struggle in the streets.
54:09 Speaker 03 This.
54:09 Speaker 04 No.
54:10 Speaker 03 I don't like this.
54:11 Speaker 04 So buttholes don't queef?
54:12 Speaker 03 I don't, I don't, I don't know if buttholes queef. I mean, they make noise, of course, when things are happening. But I'm like, I don't know if we have terminology for it.
54:21 Speaker 04 Yeah, I think it's, it's a particular thing with the vagina that I'm not gonna get into. I just don't feel like this is the right time or place.
54:28 Speaker 03 It's not.
54:33 Speaker 03 I'm never the person to talk about pussy with. I just don't, it's like, obviously, I've tried it and it wasn't, you know, it wasn't my thing. I've said that before, but.
54:39 Speaker 04 So you're not Gold Star?
54:41 Speaker 03 No, no, I've done pussy here and there and I would.
54:43 Speaker 04 Do you get less respect in the community for not being Gold Star?
54:46 Speaker 03 My community doesn't respect me.
54:50 Speaker 03 It was never gonna be. My community doesn't respect me. My community does not respect me. Gay men, I have almost no hold over gay men. I could mobilize lesbians to a border if I needed to.
55:03 Speaker 03 Like, I could get them armed at the border if I needed to. Gay men, gay men would barely hold the door open for me.
55:10 Speaker 04 Wait, that is so. Wait, so lesbians love you?
55:12 Speaker 03 Lesbians, I could, I could move, I could move certain segments of the queer community. There are, there are hundreds of trans women who would go to war for me.
55:20 Speaker 04 Yeah.
55:21 Speaker 03 Gay men would, if, I think if I was on fire in front of a gay man, to get him to spit on me would be a challenge. I just don't move gay men in that way. I move straight men more than I move gay men.
55:30 Speaker 04 Interesting.
55:31 Speaker 03 I don't know what it is.
55:33 Speaker 04 Interesting. It's funny, because I'm trying to be kinda like the Sheryl Crow of lesbians.
55:38 Speaker 03 Thank you, Missouri, by the way.
55:39 Speaker 04 Shout out.
55:40 Speaker 03 A Missourian.
55:40 Speaker 04 Iconic.
55:41 Speaker 03 Sheryl Crow, a famous Missourian. Shout out, Sheryl, we love you.
55:43 Speaker 04 I just, um, I connect, I think lesbians. To speak for women.
55:54 Speaker 03 So I was gonna do an under track while you were talking, but I actually ended up just cutting you off, sorry.
55:57 Speaker 04 I was trying to harmonize, and the second I started, you were like, this is a one person.
56:01 Speaker 03 No.
56:01 Speaker 04 Okay. I love how I just said I don't like singing too and I jumped the fuck in.
56:06 Speaker 03 Cause it's fun, but I feel bad that I didn't mean to disrupt your thought. What were you saying? Sheryl Crow.
56:11 Speaker 04 Don't ever be upset about disrupting me. That is called conversation.
56:14 Speaker 03 Okay, thank you.
56:16 Speaker 04 And don't put that on you.
56:19 Speaker 04 What did we just do?
56:20 Speaker 03 You're like gesturing to me like you're fucking Paulie Walnuts.
56:25 Speaker 03 Don't ever fucking be mean.
56:26 Speaker 04 Don't ever fucking feel bad about interrupting me. You're perfect.
56:29 Speaker 03 It's conversation.
56:32 Speaker 04 If I don't interrupt you, it means I wasn't listening.
56:34 Speaker 03 I don't respect you.
56:38 Speaker 03 Oh, my own. You wanna be the Sheryl Crow of lesbians?
56:42 Speaker 04 I feel like lesbians have done everything to like break down barriers for straight women because they don't care what men think.
56:51 Speaker 03 Yeah.
56:52 Speaker 04 So like anything from standup comedy, politics, like it's the lesbians that lead the way and then the straight girls are like, oh shit, maybe we could do this too.
57:00 Speaker 03 Yeah.
57:00 Speaker 04 So I um, I fucking love lesbians.
57:03 Speaker 03 Thank you for your service.
57:03 Speaker 04 And I feel like I, I feel like, oh, I was a gay man in a past life. Did you know that?
57:09 Speaker 03 You think so?
57:10 Speaker 04 That's, I was told I was a dandy in a past life.
57:14 Speaker 03 By who?
57:15 Speaker 04 Um, a Salem witch.
57:20 Speaker 04 And you could bring that up with her because that's.
57:22 Speaker 03 I just am wondering, you went to Salem to meet with a witch?
57:25 Speaker 04 Mm-hmm.
57:25 Speaker 03 And she informed you that in a past life you were quote, a dandy?
57:28 Speaker 04 She goes, well, she goes, you've been a man in your past life. And I said, no.
57:34 Speaker 03 No, please, please.
57:36 Speaker 04 And then I said, what kind of man? And she goes, a flaming gay dandy.
57:41 Speaker 03 Okay.
57:41 Speaker 04 And I was like.
57:46 Speaker 03 Alright, I don't know if she should, I'd have to meet her, but I don't know if she should be talking like that.
57:53 Speaker 04 With an air of.
57:55 Speaker 03 Yeah, with an air of.
57:59 Speaker 03 There's an air of dandyism in the Vatican.
58:03 Speaker 04 You have to watch Conclave, you'll die.
58:05 Speaker 03 I love it, I know I will.
58:06 Speaker 04 You need to do like a YouTube of you doing commentary. I would love to watch that while you're watching Conclave.
58:13 Speaker 03 Do you know my mom just dropped on me last week at lunch? She was like, she was like, my mom will do this shit. We were at lunch in Kansas City last week. And she goes, she goes, well, you know, I saw a psychic when I was pregnant with you. And I go, no, I don't. What are you talking about?
58:27 Speaker 04 You're like, I wasn't there.
58:28 Speaker 03 I go, no, you've never told me that. She goes, yeah, I saw a psychic. They told me you were gonna have eyes. They said you were gonna have so much wisdom in your eyes that it would scare me, and it did. When you were born, I looked in your eyes and I felt scared. I said, I said, hey, it's two o'clock.
58:45 Speaker 03 It's two o'clock in the afternoon. What are you talking about? What is going on?
58:51 Speaker 04 You ever see those videos of the mom being like, my kid knows things? And the kid would be like, I died in a burning building. And you're like...
58:59 Speaker 03 That's the shit my mom's accusing me of. She's like, she's like, yeah, she told me you'd have wisdom in your eyes that would scare, be scary to look into.
59:05 Speaker 04 In World War II, I took a bullet.
59:07 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
59:08 Speaker 04 And you're like, it's 2:00 PM.
59:09 Speaker 03 Yeah, hey, it's lunch. She really will, she really will in the middle. Moms have such a, moms have such a knack, I feel, for just dropping one of the most devastating things you've ever heard. You know, you'll just like, you'll truly just be at like a cookout, like sitting by the pool. And your mom will just be like, yeah, I mean, I just wonder what I would have been capable of if anyone had ever believed in me. Anyway.
59:33 Speaker 03 Anybody want another margarita? It's like, Jesus, bitch. What the hell? Good lord. Don't you feel they'll just drop the most harrowing shit ever?
59:46 Speaker 04 It's like when you realize that your mom is just a girl.
59:49 Speaker 03 Yeah, oh god, the girlhood stuff.
59:54 Speaker 04 You go, if you say the G-word, I'll fucking lose it.
59:56 Speaker 03 Well, it's just some of that stuff where it's like, people, the trends online that are like, they're like, they're like, please, please don't ask me to do something, I'm just a girl. By the way, you're 37. And people get mad when I use that as the number, but it's like, that's really by the time you should probably, people should be able to ask you to do stuff.
1:00:11 Speaker 04 And I'm not there yet.
1:00:12 Speaker 03 You're not there? That's not you.
1:00:13 Speaker 04 I'm just a girl.
1:00:14 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:00:14 Speaker 04 I'm just a girl. But like, being a girl is a mindset.
1:00:17 Speaker 03 Yeah, what if, what if I slowly got red-pilled on this podcast?
1:00:23 Speaker 03 What if like, what if like over the next like 80 episodes, it just like slowly became obvious that I was getting red pilled?
1:00:30 Speaker 03 Wouldn't that be fun? That'd be hilarious. I mean, that would be so funny to switch up on people in that way.
1:00:36 Speaker 04 That is, well, because when you have that kind of chokehold over the lesbian community, you can turn them like that.
1:00:41 Speaker 03 Yeah, it is so, men's, men's rights people are so funny to me because their thing is always like, "nobody cares, the boys commit." It's like, stop doing it.
1:00:48 Speaker 04 No.
1:00:49 Speaker 03 I don't know what to tell you. Girls aren't doing it, maybe boys should quit. I don't, what, what am I supposed to do? I don't know what to tell you. Stop playing video games and go be part of something. I don't know what we're talking about. You're like, "guys, we're in construction." Stop. Go be an accountant. I don't know what to tell, what do you want me to do?
1:01:05 Speaker 04 No, it's just like, they've never given us empathy and now like they want empathy, but we're not even involved in it.
1:01:10 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:01:11 Speaker 04 Like, they did it all on their own.
1:01:13 Speaker 03 Also, I'm a boy and I thought it was pretty sick. I didn't feel that abused by it. I don't know, these like, I just think it's like kind of pathetic, these guys that are like, "no one cares about the plight of boys." I'm like, "yeah, I did think it's probably because girls have it worse." Does that make any sense?
1:01:26 Speaker 04 Look at you turning into...
1:01:29 Speaker 03 I don't want to sound like a woke asshole.
1:01:31 Speaker 04 Yeah.
1:01:31 Speaker 03 But women lowkey have it hard.
1:01:37 Speaker 04 No, like, have you ever been fingered on the side of your leg?
1:01:39 Speaker 03 Right. Thank you. What do you mean?
1:01:45 Speaker 03 What do you mean? Someone was fingering your inner thigh?
1:01:48 Speaker 04 That's just a Tuesday.
1:01:50 Speaker 03 I beg your pardon?
1:01:52 Speaker 03 I beg your pardon?
1:01:53 Speaker 04 This is why I'm jealous of lesbians.
1:01:55 Speaker 03 Right.
1:01:56 Speaker 04 They're...
1:01:57 Speaker 03 They are.
1:01:58 Speaker 04 They are. Like, I asked my friend who's lesbian, like, "how do you know when the sex is done?"
1:02:04 Speaker 03 Yeah. It's never done.
1:02:06 Speaker 04 You ask?
1:02:07 Speaker 03 Yeah, nice, okay.
1:02:08 Speaker 04 Or like, the, the sun rises?
1:02:10 Speaker 03 Yeah, fuck.
1:02:11 Speaker 04 Where like, with the, first of all, I was like, "what's it like to communicate during sex? That's fucking crazy."
1:02:16 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:02:16 Speaker 04 But with dudes, it's just when he's done.
1:02:19 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:02:20 Speaker 04 He's done. He's like twitching or whatever. He's like, yeah. Get that nut.
1:02:25 Speaker 03 Nice.
1:02:25 Speaker 04 Get that nut.
1:02:26 Speaker 03 Hell, yeah.
1:02:27 Speaker 04 But, yeah, with lesbians, it's like, you know your body, you know it feels good, you, you, you know what you're working with.
1:02:33 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:02:33 Speaker 04 With the men, they have to be like taught.
1:02:35 Speaker 03 You know what I always want to ask lesbian couples?
1:02:38 Speaker 04 Yeah. I like, his body language has changed.
1:02:42 Speaker 03 Who's a girl and who's a guy?
1:02:44 Speaker 04 Oh.
1:02:45 Speaker 03 You know?
1:02:46 Speaker 04 Do you know Emma Willman?
1:02:47 Speaker 03 I know, yeah.
1:02:48 Speaker 04 You'd love Emma, won't you?
1:02:49 Speaker 03 I know Emma, I know Emma.
1:02:50 Speaker 04 She goes, "I'm the man one."
1:02:51 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:02:51 Speaker 04 It's my Emma impression.
1:02:52 Speaker 03 Yeah, that was a good Emma, by the way.
1:02:53 Speaker 04 It's actually my only impression that I can do.
1:02:55 Speaker 03 That was a really good Emma, yeah, that was a really good Emma.
1:02:57 Speaker 04 I've, it's, I didn't realize that lesbians have tops and bottoms.
1:03:00 Speaker 03 They totally do.
1:03:01 Speaker 04 They do.
1:03:02 Speaker 03 They totally do.
1:03:03 Speaker 04 They do.
1:03:03 Speaker 03 And then they have switch, or, you know, but it's... They, a lot of times they call themselves switch, but it's like, it's a lot of bottoming.
1:03:10 Speaker 04 Like Nintendo?
1:03:11 Speaker 03 Yeah, like, exactly like a Nintendo, yeah.
1:03:13 Speaker 04 And they play Nintendo while they do that?
1:03:16 Speaker 03 They have switch and Wii.
1:03:20 Speaker 03 Say it. You're safe.
1:03:22 Speaker 04 Are you top or bottom?
1:03:23 Speaker 03 Me? I'm a dedicated team player, who gets, I like to get the job done.
1:03:29 Speaker 03 People say, "Are you a top or a bottom?" I say, "I thrive in a fast-paced environment."
1:03:34 Speaker 04 I deal with adversity. I love a challenge.
1:03:36 Speaker 03 I love a challenge. I deal with what comes my way.
1:03:38 Speaker 04 My issue is I work too hard.
1:03:39 Speaker 03 I want everyone to, if that's something that we're capable of and interested in, I want everyone to come.
1:03:43 Speaker 04 Why did the gay guys tell me that, um, no gay...
1:03:46 Speaker 03 That being said, I'm not bottoming.
1:03:47 Speaker 04 Nope.
1:03:48 Speaker 03 I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.
1:03:49 Speaker 04 Wait, why do gay guys tell me that everyone's a bottom, but they say they're not?
1:03:52 Speaker 03 Well, because there's shame, because...
1:03:54 Speaker 04 Wait, I've never met a, like, real top before.
1:03:56 Speaker 03 Well, I wouldn't say I'm a to, I just don't, I'm not that int, I'm not, I don't like, I would, I...
1:04:00 Speaker 04 Is saying you're a top, like, kind of like, "Ooh, yeah."
1:04:03 Speaker 03 No, I just am not that interested in that. I, I don't, it's not like, penetration to me is such a, uh...
1:04:09 Speaker 04 Neanderthal?
1:04:10 Speaker 03 Not really, but it's, the reason that there's shame around being a bottom is because, uh, people don't like to be associated with femininity. And so they're forced to play the role of a woman.
1:04:19 Speaker 04 You're such a feminist. You're such a feminist.
1:04:21 Speaker 03 I mean, I think that's just pretty known.
1:04:23 Speaker 04 Yeah.
1:04:24 Speaker 03 Like, I think that's, it's like, obvious. It's like, yeah, you feel shame because you feel like you're being dominated by a man, which is something we have historically done to women and, and, and shamed them for.
1:04:33 Speaker 04 Yes.
1:04:34 Speaker 03 Yeah, bottom shame is insane.
1:04:35 Speaker 04 You're getting chosen, like, you're the weaker one.
1:04:38 Speaker 03 Bottom shame is insane. It's like, everyone should just be coming and having fun.
1:04:41 Speaker 04 Oh, a hundred percent.
1:04:42 Speaker 03 I, we're gonna have to mute every single word that's been said for the last...
1:04:46 Speaker 04 Wait, why? We brought this out of each other?
1:04:48 Speaker 03 I like it.
1:04:49 Speaker 04 I'm a curious, I'm curious about it.
1:04:51 Speaker 03 I like the way your brain works. I like the way your brain works.
1:04:54 Speaker 04 Wait.
1:04:55 Speaker 03 I do like the way your brain works.
1:04:56 Speaker 04 That was actually the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
1:04:59 Speaker 03 Do you know what I just realized?
1:05:00 Speaker 04 We're gonna make out.
1:05:01 Speaker 03 First of all, let's start there.
1:05:04 Speaker 04 This whole pod is me low key flirting with Caleb.
1:05:07 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:05:07 Speaker 04 I really like guys who aren't into me. That's kind of my type.
1:05:10 Speaker 03 Yeah, me, you and your husband could have some incredible memories. Let me get over there. You and I would be an incredible flight attendant duo. I was thinking that earlier and forgot it.
1:05:19 Speaker 04 I see the sitcom right now.
1:05:21 Speaker 03 Running a fucking plane like the Navy.
1:05:25 Speaker 04 I'm tossing.
1:05:26 Speaker 03 Slinging bits. Yeah, truly. You're throwing me Biscoff cookies. I'm handing it off to 1A. Yeah, we're like.
1:05:31 Speaker 04 I got headphones like.
1:05:32 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pilot needs to go to the bathroom. I pull the cart and block the walkway.
1:05:35 Speaker 04 But also, we have people we don't like in the crowd where I'll be like, not again, not here. I go, don't give him the biscotti.
1:05:40 Speaker 03 Yeah, no biscotti. Get out of here. You can't have any.
1:05:43 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I love that.
1:05:44 Speaker 03 Yeah, it'd be fun.
1:05:46 Speaker 04 Cause we work hard.
1:05:47 Speaker 03 We do work hard.
1:05:47 Speaker 04 And we're focused, but we also have fun.
1:05:49 Speaker 03 We're focused and driven, but ultimately we're silly.
1:05:51 Speaker 04 Yes. You can't take life too seriously, but we also do have dreams and goals.
1:05:55 Speaker 03 And welcome to Delta Airlines.
1:05:58 Speaker 03 In many ways. This is our pre-flight announcement. You guys have to work hard. You have to have goals. You can't take things too seriously. You have to be silly. There are exits to your left and your right.
1:06:11 Speaker 04 Also, like, don't be mad when the flight's delayed.
1:06:14 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:06:14 Speaker 04 Like, I'm just, hold my hand.
1:06:15 Speaker 03 Low key, we're dragging ass today, guys. We had a big night out last night.
1:06:19 Speaker 04 Also, is it cold in here? Like, I'm cold. Are you cold?
1:06:22 Speaker 03 Okay, show of hands, who's cold?
1:06:25 Speaker 04 Also, Caleb didn't just put on Big Thief.
1:06:28 Speaker 03 Also, yeah, low key, does anyone have playlist requests? They are always playing the most psychotic music.
1:06:34 Speaker 04 Also, when you fly a lot, you start to know the words.
1:06:36 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:06:37 Speaker 04 And you go through, it's like stages of grief. At first, you're angry about it.
1:06:40 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:06:40 Speaker 04 Then you accept it.
1:06:41 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:06:42 Speaker 04 Then you're like, wait, okay, this is my bop. This is my bop.
1:06:45 Speaker 03 Well, it'll be something, it's not even necessarily bad music. It'll just be something so unexpected.
1:06:49 Speaker 04 It scratches your brain in the worst way, I would say.
1:06:51 Speaker 03 It's 7:00 AM, the lights are on full blast, you're getting on a flight, they're gonna keep the windows closed so you can sleep, but before that, they're just playing, "I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately." And it's so loud.
1:07:02 Speaker 04 And it's too positive, yeah.
1:07:04 Speaker 03 It's too, well, they're trying to keep people from like fighting and realizing how bad the circumstances are. They're putting you in prison for a while.
1:07:09 Speaker 04 I recently had an experience of getting on a flight and the lady was blackout. 8:00 AM and recognized me.
1:07:19 Speaker 03 Well.
1:07:20 Speaker 04 And she looks up and she goes, I know you. And I was like, this, I'm getting into a shark tank right now.
1:07:27 Speaker 03 Yeah, this is bad.
1:07:28 Speaker 04 And it was like an hour and a half flight and at first, like, she was like poking me and, you know, pushing me, but like being funny.
1:07:34 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:07:34 Speaker 04 And then I realized halfway and I go, this bitch is actually kind of funny.
1:07:37 Speaker 03 Yeah, she's actually okay, yeah.
1:07:39 Speaker 04 And then I, you know, like you sit next to someone at the bar and at first you're like, oh no, and then you're like, wait, I want the tea.
1:07:43 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:07:44 Speaker 04 So she was like showing me her kitchen renovation and I'm, I'm thinking of renovating my kitchen. So I was like, wait, that's, that is fucking fire.
1:07:50 Speaker 03 That's actually sick, yeah.
1:07:50 Speaker 04 So I had a whole flight. She's blackout, I'm sober, but like at the end of the day, anyone could get along if you believe in love.
1:07:57 Speaker 03 That's community. I had a guy, one of the funniest things that's happened to me recently, I was sitting next to this stranger and he was ignoring me and I was ignoring him, which is, I like that.
1:08:06 Speaker 04 Yeah.
1:08:07 Speaker 03 A girl walks past and she goes, don't want to bother you, just want to say I'm a huge fan, have a great flight. Keeps walking, like a nice one.
1:08:13 Speaker 04 Beautiful.
1:08:13 Speaker 03 And the, the guy, who's like an older straight guy next to me, he goes, I just watch him, say you're me and he's, he's him, he goes,
1:08:22 Speaker 03 what are you?
1:08:25 Speaker 04 Your worst fucking nightmare.
1:08:27 Speaker 03 What are you sent me and I truly laughed so hard. That was really, really cracked me up.
1:08:31 Speaker 04 Didn't you even know? He couldn't even.
1:08:34 Speaker 03 What are you?
1:08:36 Speaker 03 What are you? Say now.
1:08:37 Speaker 04 What you did.
1:08:38 Speaker 03 Yeah. What'd you do to deserve that?
1:08:39 Speaker 04 What's been done.
1:08:40 Speaker 03 Why'd she say that?
1:08:41 Speaker 04 Who is this?
1:08:42 Speaker 03 What happened? Who is she to you?
1:08:43 Speaker 04 How?
1:08:44 Speaker 03 Who are you to me?
1:08:44 Speaker 04 What's going on?
1:08:45 Speaker 03 Who am I to myself?
1:08:46 Speaker 04 Why?
1:08:46 Speaker 03 What do I mean?
1:08:48 Speaker 04 What is life?
1:08:49 Speaker 03 What is life? What's my purpose here?
1:08:50 Speaker 04 What planet are we on?
1:08:51 Speaker 03 What is happening? Hannah, what's so true to you? You have to have one. Come on. Walk in. Walk in for once, dude.
1:08:59 Speaker 04 Wait, now I'm so nervous.
1:09:01 Speaker 03 What is so true to you?
1:09:02 Speaker 04 I'm a fan of the pod and this is, this is happening. You can manifest anything.
1:09:06 Speaker 03 You can manifest anything.
1:09:07 Speaker 04 What's so true to me?
1:09:10 Speaker 04 I feel like you will connect with this.
1:09:12 Speaker 03 Come on.
1:09:14 Speaker 04 Instead of working on all these things, like, oh, you rub your temple a certain way and your jawline will get snatched and this cream, whatever.
1:09:22 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:09:23 Speaker 04 Let's normalize working on our personalities.
1:09:25 Speaker 03 By the way, yeah.
1:09:28 Speaker 04 Whatever happened to being like, what a conversationalist?
1:09:31 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:09:32 Speaker 04 Whatever happened to you being like, tonight, I'm staying home and doing some self-care. But I think you have some good stories I could tell at a party.
1:09:37 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:09:38 Speaker 04 Like, getting some tags.
1:09:40 Speaker 03 It's very clear to me at a lot of social situations that a lot of people are not feeling the pressure I feel, which is that if it gets quiet, it's my responsibility to fix it.
1:09:46 Speaker 04 And I want everyone to feel, no, I'm exhausted after a party because if I'm invited, I come to serve.
1:09:53 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:09:53 Speaker 04 Okay, I'm gonna commit. I'm giving my all, my heart, my soul to performing at this party.
1:09:57 Speaker 03 If I showed up, I showed up.
1:09:58 Speaker 04 I showed up.
1:09:59 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:09:59 Speaker 04 And, but do you ever feel though at a group dinner, you don't know, you're like, do you guys want me to take this away?
1:10:04 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:10:05 Speaker 04 Like, do you want me to take the mic?
1:10:06 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:10:06 Speaker 04 And I'll handle it and you guys can sit back? Or do you want me to sit back and let other people speak?
1:10:09 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:10:10 Speaker 04 I just need to know the vibes. I don't know what you guys have prepared.
1:10:12 Speaker 03 I'll host, I'll perform, I'll need whatever you, I'll do whatever you need me to do.
1:10:15 Speaker 04 Yes, I'll be, I'll be the crowd worker.
1:10:16 Speaker 03 In that vein, also, let's bring back aging normally. Let's let your, let's let yourself age normally.
1:10:21 Speaker 04 Woo, well, there's a trend now where people are trying to call out actresses who are doing these like old movies,
1:10:28 Speaker 04 like in the 1800s, but they have like lip filler and cheek filler.
1:10:31 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:10:31 Speaker 04 And it's like, whatever happened to, you know, caring about the role? Whatever happened to an expression during a scene?
1:10:36 Speaker 03 Yeah. I don't like, I don't, I will say, everyone do whatever you want to do. I do not like the way everyone looks on camera now. Everyone looks, everyone looks so unbelievably stiff. The faces are fake, the hairlines are fucking pulled back, the, it's like, I just like, what happened to like, people who look appropriate and human? What happened to people who look their age?
1:10:57 Speaker 04 Well, some people feel like there might be a twist because everyone's morphing into the same like, looking lizard.
1:11:03 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:11:04 Speaker 04 That it might be like chic as fuck to have your wrinkles out.
1:11:10 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:11:10 Speaker 04 I also, as someone who hasn't had work done, but will probably get a facelift when I'm 40. It's like, I like showing I've seen some shit.
1:11:20 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:11:20 Speaker 04 Like, I like, when you're in your twenties, you don't get respect. I wanna walk into a room and people to look at me and be like, oh, she's experienced things. She's wise, she survived things. See it on my face. I've, I've, I've survived to be here.
1:11:34 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:11:35 Speaker 04 As a woman.
1:11:36 Speaker 03 As a, thank you, thank you.
1:11:38 Speaker 04 Cause I'm just a girl.
1:11:39 Speaker 03 Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
1:11:41 Speaker 04 But like, i- i- it's not, not beautiful to have a face that, that moves and to look different.
1:11:48 Speaker 03 I also just don't understand the obsession with like, you don't look younger, you just look weird.
1:11:53 Speaker 04 You look different.
1:11:53 Speaker 03 You look different, but not younger.
1:11:55 Speaker 04 Yeah.
1:11:55 Speaker 03 And I don't, especially, especially as actors, it really pisses me off that actors are getting so much work done that their face is like, made of clay at this point. I'm like, what is, do you give a fuck about this profession then? I'm like, we're supposed to be like, communicating emotion.
1:12:08 Speaker 04 You're playing roles of real people.
1:12:10 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:12:10 Speaker 04 And it's hard when you're an AI version of yourself.
1:12:13 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:12:13 Speaker 04 I also, this could be completely false and made up, cause I just saw on TikTok. But people are saying if moms are getting too much botox, that the kids aren't learning proper, like, reactions and expressions.
1:12:26 Speaker 03 That's really funny.
1:12:27 Speaker 04 And that they're raising psychopaths.
1:12:28 Speaker 03 That's really funny.
1:12:29 Speaker 04 They don't know what empathy is.
1:12:30 Speaker 03 That's really funny.
1:12:31 Speaker 04 And they don't know what anger is or sadness, so they don't know how to react to situations. This could be all made up, but I thought it was hilarious.
1:12:38 Speaker 03 That's really funny.
1:12:39 Speaker 04 So it's like, mom is very happy right now.
1:12:42 Speaker 03 Kids don't know how to express joy, cause mommy got too much work.
1:12:44 Speaker 04 Yeah.
1:12:45 Speaker 03 That's really fucking funny.
1:12:46 Speaker 04 Cause mommy's been under the needle.
1:12:47 Speaker 03 Yeah, mommy, mommy's gone under the knife too many times.
1:12:50 Speaker 04 And I know that there's people that are like, look, if it makes me feel better about myself, let me do it. And I'm a proponent of that, however, just like everything in the beauty industry, you think something's gonna solve your problems, it doesn't. And then it's like, at what end?
1:13:04 Speaker 03 Well, let me ask you this, if it makes you happy, why the hell are you so sad? Why the hell are you so sad?
1:13:17 Speaker 04 My fucking mic drop.
1:13:19 Speaker 03 Cheryl's real as fuck.
1:13:20 Speaker 04 Cheryl's real as fuck and a badass and she pulls off a vest like no other straight woman can. I also would argue that some of these girls are gonna work done, do they need a gay on their team? An honest gay?
1:13:31 Speaker 03 Yeah, and those are hard to come by.
1:13:33 Speaker 04 And those are so hard to come by.
1:13:34 Speaker 03 An honest gay is hard to come by.
1:13:35 Speaker 04 An honest gay who's gonna read you for filth and be like, you look insane.
1:13:39 Speaker 03 Well, gay people are, gay guys specifically are born with honesty in their DNA. And then they are conditioned to value power more than honesty. So then if you get a beautiful woman who's powerful around you, that's kind of like a siren to the rocks for us.
1:13:57 Speaker 04 And then they become.
1:13:57 Speaker 03 And so we stop being honest and start being flattering.
1:14:00 Speaker 04 And then the Real Housewives exists.
1:14:01 Speaker 03 Yeah, Real Housewives. And so then there's Real Housewives and then you think there's like Bank of America and obviously BP Oil, like many things, many things are within that. And it's culture, it's systemic.
1:14:13 Speaker 04 Delta Airlines.
1:14:14 Speaker 03 It's systemic with Delta Airlines and Cisco and all that kind of stuff.
1:14:20 Speaker 04 Yeah.
1:14:20 Speaker 03 And it all plays a role.
1:14:21 Speaker 04 Yeah, 100%.
1:14:22 Speaker 03 And of course Walmart.
1:14:23 Speaker 04 Yep. Walmart is behind everything.
1:14:26 Speaker 03 Of course Walmart. Walmart's involved.
1:14:27 Speaker 04 Where they sell walls.
1:14:28 Speaker 03 That's a really good so true. I want to thank you for bringing that today.
1:14:30 Speaker 04 Thank you. I was worried it was too deep, but I feel like we did it.
1:14:34 Speaker 03 No, we're allowed to do whatever we want on here.
1:14:36 Speaker 04 Let's go get Botox now.
1:14:37 Speaker 03 Guess what? I have a segment for you.
1:14:40 Speaker 04 Wait, you with the papers intimidating as fuck?
1:14:43 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm. You said you might want to be doing a kitchen renovation. We might be able to help you out a little bit with the budget.
1:14:49 Speaker 03 I'm gonna read you 15 statements. You're gonna tell me as quickly as you can if you think what I just said was true or false. And if you get 10 or more correct, Hannah, we're gonna give you 50 US dollars.
1:14:57 Speaker 04 Wait, so people have gotten too chatty during it? I could tell. You're like, we're doing concise.
1:15:01 Speaker 03 Almost every single guest will fail, will fail at concision. Every single guest, I'll be like, I'll be like, the sky is blue and they'll be like, okay. I've been outside, of course I'm from Ohio.
1:15:12 Speaker 04 So these answers, this isn't subjective, this is fact.
1:15:15 Speaker 03 It's true or false.
1:15:16 Speaker 04 Okay.
1:15:16 Speaker 03 That's all, okay?
1:15:17 Speaker 04 So I say so true?
1:15:18 Speaker 03 You just, that's really funny. People have suggested that. You say just true or false. And if you want to say so true or so false, hey, you go nuts.
1:15:24 Speaker 04 I have too many questions to this game already, yeah.
1:15:26 Speaker 03 No, it's good that you're getting it out before. Because people usually do this in the middle.
1:15:28 Speaker 04 Okay.
1:15:29 Speaker 03 Superman's real name is Kevin Kent.
1:15:32 Speaker 04 False.
1:15:32 Speaker 03 False. It's Clark Kent. The Statue of Liberty has seven points on her crown.
1:15:37 Speaker 04 False.
1:15:38 Speaker 03 True. The largest indoor water park in the world is in Texas.
1:15:42 Speaker 04 This is so not my alley. I don't know anything about anything. Um, I don't care.
1:15:48 Speaker 03 That won't work.
1:15:50 Speaker 04 False.
1:15:50 Speaker 03 That won't work. False. It's in Germany. You're doing good.
1:15:53 Speaker 04 Look, it's fifty fifty.
1:15:54 Speaker 03 Under Armour was founded in two thousand and three.
1:15:57 Speaker 04 True.
1:15:57 Speaker 03 False. Nineteen ninety-six. Sudan has more pyramids than any other country.
1:16:03 Speaker 04 False.
1:16:04 Speaker 03 True. Venus and Serena Williams were born in Michigan.
1:16:08 Speaker 04 True.
1:16:09 Speaker 03 True. You're a big tennis fan.
1:16:10 Speaker 04 Yeah.
1:16:10 Speaker 03 Cats have fewer toes on their back paws.
1:16:13 Speaker 04 Oh, no. Butter's gonna be so pissed if it gets wrong. It depends on the cat, because some cats have, like, six hands, but false.
1:16:22 Speaker 03 It's true. Saint Patrick was born in Ireland.
1:16:28 Speaker 04 False.
1:16:29 Speaker 03 False. John Cusack graduated from the University of Wisconsin-Madison. Joan. Sorry, Joan, Joan, Joan. Yes, true.
1:16:35 Speaker 04 True, because I'm a badger.
1:16:36 Speaker 03 Pickleball was invented in Romania.
1:16:39 Speaker 04 Oh, my god. This is like, I only have so much information I can keep in my head. Like, I reject it. Um. True.
1:16:46 Speaker 03 False.
1:16:48 Speaker 03 Drake and Josh ran for eight seasons.
1:16:50 Speaker 04 Oh, my god. Wait, as a millennial, I need to know this. True.
1:16:55 Speaker 03 False. Four. Turkeys can blush.
1:16:57 Speaker 04 Felt like eight. Turkeys can blush?
1:17:00 Speaker 03 Can blush.
1:17:01 Speaker 04 False.
1:17:01 Speaker 03 True.
1:17:05 Speaker 04 Chance, did you come up with these?
1:17:07 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:17:07 Speaker 04 This is so straight man shit, though.
1:17:09 Speaker 03 I know.
1:17:09 Speaker 04 This is straight. Wait, this is homophobic.
1:17:12 Speaker 03 No, it's not, because you're not gay.
1:17:13 Speaker 04 Okay.
1:17:14 Speaker 03 There is a.
1:17:19 Speaker 04 No, but making us on this pod as an ally answer these straight male questions of like, who went to the fight, tiger or bear? Like, that's what it's giving. Continue.
1:17:27 Speaker 03 You're right. You're right. You're right. Sorry, Chance, you got got.
1:17:30 Speaker 04 You got got.
1:17:30 Speaker 03 There is a fungus that can turn ants into mindless zombies.
1:17:34 Speaker 04 True.
1:17:34 Speaker 03 That is true.
1:17:34 Speaker 04 I watched The Last of Us.
1:17:35 Speaker 03 Franklin Delano Roosevelt had a pet hyena.
1:17:38 Speaker 04 I hope it's true.
1:17:39 Speaker 03 False. Teddy Roosevelt did.
1:17:41 Speaker 04 Oh.
1:17:41 Speaker 03 Bats have six limbs.
1:17:44 Speaker 04 True.
1:17:44 Speaker 03 False. Four. How'd she do?
1:17:48 Speaker 04 Wait, what's the best anyone's gotten?
1:17:49 Speaker 03 Like fourteen, thirteen, fourteen?
1:17:51 Speaker 04 Well, they have to get a hobby.
1:17:53 Speaker 03 They need to get a life.
1:17:54 Speaker 04 Sorry, I've been on TikTok.
1:17:55 Speaker 03 And a husband and a kitchen. They need a cat, a husband and a kitchen. And one of those things needs to be addicted to something. I'm not gonna prescribe which.
1:18:03 Speaker 04 And that's full circle, baby.
1:18:05 Speaker 03 You know, we love you. Thank you so much for doing this.
1:18:06 Speaker 04 I love you so much. Congrats on everything and I'm obsessed with you.
1:18:10 Speaker 03 Thanks, buddy. You wanna tell people where they can find you?
1:18:12 Speaker 04 Oh, yeah. Go to, um, follow me on Hannah Berner. And you'll enjoy Giggly Squad if you enjoy giggling.
1:18:17 Speaker 03 Giggly Squad, and y'all have a new book?
1:18:18 Speaker 04 You're a giggler, and we have a new book, How to Giggle. And I'm announcing my tour dates in the fall. HannahBurner.com. I'll be coming to a city near you.
1:18:25 Speaker 03 You're announcing them in the fall, or you're going on tour in the fall?
1:18:28 Speaker 04 It'll be announced by now.
1:18:29 Speaker 03 Okay, nice.
1:18:30 Speaker 04 And watch my Netflix special if you haven't. We Ride at Dawn.
1:18:32 Speaker 03 Hell, yeah.
1:18:33 Speaker 04 Thank you.
1:18:34 Speaker 03 Thanks, dude.
1:18:35 Speaker 04 That was a HeadGum Podcast.
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