Pod Insights So True with Caleb Hearon Michael Cruz Kayne Loves Basketball About this episode Welcome! This week’s guest is the hilarious Michael Cruz Kayne! Michael and Caleb talk getting bullied, Caleb’s mysterious new medical ailment, stealing, and more!
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Transcript 14,740 words · 8 speakers
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1:00 Speaker 02 Ugh, I hate Mondays.
1:02 Speaker 03 King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Swirl Bite?
1:04 Speaker 02 Taylor Hansen? Sure, I'll try one. Mmm.
1:09 Speaker 04 Hey, let's get back to work, please.
1:11 Speaker 02 But Taylor Hansen's making my day way better with these new soft and swirly King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Bites.
1:15 Speaker 04 Taylor Hansen? Nice. Try one. Mmm.
1:22 Speaker 04 King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Bites. There's nothing like it.
1:34 Speaker 05 I'd be happy for him to find some kind of a sports job. I bet you would. You want him to work- Be watching SportsCenter. Yeah, you're like, get a job at SportsCenter. See if they'll give Old Dad a tour.
1:47 Speaker 05 I bet you get to take someone around the office every once in a while. Maybe you bring in Old Dad.
1:54 Speaker 05 Yeah, hey, give Pa a chance.
2:02 Speaker 05 Okay.
2:03 Speaker 06 Podcasts happening?
2:04 Speaker 05 Yes, we just learned off camera, and maybe people will see it in this episode. I think it's kind of starting to go right now.
2:09 Speaker 06 Where's my camera, this one? Zoom.
2:11 Speaker 05 I have developed an eye twitch.
2:13 Speaker 06 Yeah.
2:14 Speaker 05 What is, and you have one too?
2:15 Speaker 06 I have three weeks of eye twitching.
2:16 Speaker 05 What is going on?
2:17 Speaker 06 I don't know, it could, here are the things that it could be, people say.
2:21 Speaker 05 People are, and people are loving to tell me what it is, by the way.
2:23 Speaker 06 Everyone's an expert in eye twitch.
2:24 Speaker 05 Yeah.
2:25 Speaker 06 All, everyone has a PhD in.
2:26 Speaker 05 Well, and what I love is, you tell someone like, oh, my eye's been twitching lately, and they go, you know what it is. Like, they love to tell you like.
2:32 Speaker 06 Hundred percent they know.
2:34 Speaker 05 Like, their dad's like an eye twitch specialist, and they're like in the family business.
2:37 Speaker 06 Ocular musculature is their absolute specialty.
2:40 Speaker 05 They love to go, well, have you had water?
2:42 Speaker 06 Mm-hmm.
2:43 Speaker 05 Like, they, like, they love to pitch water, like, you've never heard of that.
2:45 Speaker 06 And can I say something? No one alive drinks more water than I do.
2:49 Speaker 05 I'm saying.
2:49 Speaker 06 I'm, I'm guzzling.
2:51 Speaker 05 I'm putting water away.
2:52 Speaker 06 I'm guzzling, yeah, I'm absolutely pounding water. I don't drink, I don't drink alcohol.
2:56 Speaker 05 Yeah.
2:56 Speaker 06 I like water, I go to the bar, I have, I, I have a water.
2:59 Speaker 05 I have a Diet Coke at worst.
3:00 Speaker 06 So there's no way that it's a lack of water?
3:02 Speaker 05 Yeah.
3:02 Speaker 06 Could it be lack of sleep? Absolutely.
3:04 Speaker 05 Totally.
3:05 Speaker 06 I don't sleep.
3:06 Speaker 05 I got like 10 hours last night, though.
3:07 Speaker 06 You did?
3:08 Speaker 05 10 hours last night.
3:08 Speaker 06 Is that a very rare occasion?
3:10 Speaker 05 Yes, I'm trying to do better now because of the eye twitch.
3:14 Speaker 06 Yeah, because I'm three weeks into the twitch, and I'm like, I'm ready for it to stop.
3:17 Speaker 05 It's really annoying.
3:18 Speaker 06 Yeah.
3:19 Speaker 05 I'm feeling like, um, I almost said suicidal, and that felt not, that felt not true. I was like, I was like, actually, we shouldn't say that.
3:27 Speaker 06 It would be a rough loss to, to have to explain that to people, to be like, why did he do it? It's like, sometimes his eye twitch.
3:33 Speaker 05 Eye twitch can be really affecting, though, people don't realize that.
3:35 Speaker 06 I think any chronic situation, like, you don't really realize how bad it is until it's like, oh, now this has been happening for a month.
3:42 Speaker 05 Yeah.
3:42 Speaker 06 Anything for a month is bad, you know what I mean? You got a little scratch here, it's not a big deal. You're still scratching, a month later, you're thinking about?
3:49 Speaker 05 You're thinking about ending it.
3:50 Speaker 06 Ending it.
3:51 Speaker 05 You're like, what if this is my new normal? What if my eye never not twitches again?
3:53 Speaker 06 That, your, your, your, your brain is bouncing, you're like, you, you spiral out into an awful fantasy life, where like, your eye is twitching at your grandson's bris or something. Why did I, why did I say that?
4:07 Speaker 05 Yeah. No, it really, every time anything happens to me, like if I get a sore throat, I go, the thing that stresses me out is not that it's happening now. I go, this is forever.
4:16 Speaker 06 For a hundred percent.
4:17 Speaker 05 I go, oh, this will never be, I'll never be well again.
4:19 Speaker 06 But you're young.
4:20 Speaker 05 Oh, sure.
4:21 Speaker 06 So you, you have, you're gonna, you're gonna go through things that will change. Well, you'll have little blips, but then you'll be better. I'm, it's all, everything's happening to me. My bones are decomposing. Every single injury I have is a permanent, like my, both my ankles, my knees. I play hoops. I hoop it up.
4:38 Speaker 05 Yeah.
4:38 Speaker 06 You play b-ball at all?
4:39 Speaker 05 No, no, no. My knees and ankles are good right now.
4:41 Speaker 06 I'm constantly in pain.
4:42 Speaker 05 Yeah. What, how old are you?
4:44 Speaker 06 I am forty-seven.
4:47 Speaker 05 You're forty-seven?
4:48 Speaker 06 Can you believe it?
4:49 Speaker 05 I did not know you were forty-seven.
4:50 Speaker 06 And I look like this.
4:50 Speaker 05 I did not know you were forty-seven. You look great.
4:52 Speaker 06 Yeah.
4:53 Speaker 05 Oh, my gosh, you look spry.
4:54 Speaker 06 Yeah. Are we canceled? Is the podcast over now?
4:56 Speaker 05 Oh, my god.
4:57 Speaker 06 Shut it down.
4:57 Speaker 05 That was so much fun talking to you, dude. This was a great episode. We actually should put out like a five-minute episode one week. I think that'd be really funny. Just it's five, it's five minutes of interview and then it's all the ads. Just back to back to back.
5:09 Speaker 06 My eye is twitching now.
5:10 Speaker 05 That's most people. Is it?
5:12 Speaker 06 It's stopped.
5:12 Speaker 05 I don't see it. Yeah, mine comes and goes.
5:14 Speaker 06 Yeah.
5:14 Speaker 05 I'm scared of the eye twitch. I fear every, every bad thing that happens to me.
5:19 Speaker 06 Yeah.
5:19 Speaker 05 Any, even small things, stub my toe, anything, I go, this is the beginning of the end.
5:23 Speaker 06 Yeah, for sure.
5:23 Speaker 05 Everything from here on out will stem from that and it will go downhill.
5:26 Speaker 06 Yeah.
5:27 Speaker 05 Do you know what I mean?
5:27 Speaker 06 That'll be like the butterfly effect that ripples through every single thing in your entire life.
5:31 Speaker 05 This sore throat is the three-week notice before I find out that I have a disease that can't be cured.
5:37 Speaker 06 Yeah.
5:37 Speaker 05 I will, everything that happens today is the last, the end of the, the beginning of the end.
5:42 Speaker 06 I have a sore throat, which means I have rickets. I don't know what rickets is.
5:45 Speaker 05 Rickets.
5:45 Speaker 06 And then I have, which means I have like the milk sickness or something. And I'm, I'm done.
5:49 Speaker 05 Yeah.
5:50 Speaker 06 I'm sorry that I went back to eye twitch because I'm afraid that I will go back to it. And this will become, can I say it into camera? The eye twitch episode. This episode brought to you by eye twitch.
5:58 Speaker 05 This is already the eye twitch episode.
6:00 Speaker 06 Yeah.
6:00 Speaker 05 And I want to tell you, I'm so-
6:02 Speaker 06 Warby Parker, that's eyes.
6:03 Speaker 05 Hello.
6:04 Speaker 06 Maybe there's a tie-in.
6:04 Speaker 05 Cover up your twitch with a big enough frame.
6:07 Speaker 06 Exactly.
6:08 Speaker 05 Warby Parker.
6:09 Speaker 06 Hey, is your eye freaking out, Warby Parker?
6:11 Speaker 05 Are you a fucked up freak with an eye twitch all the time? Here's a pair of glasses that might be able to cover that up.
6:16 Speaker 06 Want to obscure your, your face with some really goofy frames? Try Warby Parker.
6:19 Speaker 05 That is quite literally what I'm up to. Obscuring my face with some goofy frames. Keeping it silly, keeping people distracted from the eye twitch. Oh my god, I'm scared of the eye twitch.
6:27 Speaker 06 Here we are, time of our lives.
6:29 Speaker 05 I mean, really, what do you think is going on with the eye twitch? I'm not kidding. I'm really scared of it.
6:34 Speaker 06 It has to be stress, right? Are you stressed out? All the time?
6:37 Speaker 05 I don't think so. I mean, I guess it's either all the time or never. And I don't know.
6:42 Speaker 06 Right, right, right.
6:43 Speaker 05 Do you know what I mean?
6:43 Speaker 06 This is water, so to speak.
6:45 Speaker 05 Let me ask you a question.
6:46 Speaker 06 Yeah.
6:46 Speaker 05 Do you know how you feel?
6:48 Speaker 06 Oh my god, what a good question. I think I know how I feel.
6:51 Speaker 05 I do too.
6:51 Speaker 06 Okay, like you, I always think I'm not stressed out, I'm not depressed. You know what I mean? Like, I'm going to the therapist, or I'm like, I feel bad, I feel bad. And the therapist is like, maybe you're depressed. And I'm like, no, that's not it.
7:02 Speaker 05 It's not that, yeah.
7:03 Speaker 06 That's not it.
7:04 Speaker 05 It's a nice idea, but not that.
7:06 Speaker 06 But maybe I'm pushing it all down, and the eye twitch is like, it's coming out, baby.
7:10 Speaker 05 Yeah, you think?
7:11 Speaker 06 I'm coming out, I don't know, it's possible, it's certainly possible.
7:13 Speaker 05 I think I either know exactly how I feel, or I have no clue.
7:16 Speaker 06 Yeah, I agree.
7:17 Speaker 05 Does that make sense?
7:18 Speaker 06 I have a lot of confidence in my self-awareness that may be completely wrong.
7:22 Speaker 05 Yeah. People go, how are you feeling? And I go, fine. And I mean that.
7:26 Speaker 06 Yeah.
7:26 Speaker 05 But what if I'm not fine?
7:28 Speaker 06 Yeah, I mean, in your-
7:29 Speaker 05 What if the eye is twitching, and he knows, and I don't know?
7:31 Speaker 06 In your private moments, are you ever having, you're ever having a real dark freakout? You ever having a spiraling daydream?
7:36 Speaker 05 Never.
7:37 Speaker 06 Never.
7:37 Speaker 05 I'm totally chilling.
7:39 Speaker 06 I don't know. Then it's, maybe it's not that, maybe it's the water thing.
7:42 Speaker 05 Maybe it's the water thing, but I'm drinking a lot of water.
7:44 Speaker 06 Yeah.
7:44 Speaker 05 I don't know, maybe I'm eating too much sleep.
7:46 Speaker 06 Water, stress, those are the ones that they say, right?
7:48 Speaker 05 That's the ones that, a stranger on the street would say these things to you about an eye twitch.
7:52 Speaker 06 A dog will walk up to you and tell you.
7:53 Speaker 05 Yes, anybody, it's like, if there's like, basically signs on the lamppost that say, hey, if you have an eye twitch, sleep, water, stress.
8:00 Speaker 06 Yeah, rip off a little number, call this number, that will, I'll tell you about your eye twitch.
8:03 Speaker 05 Don't think I'm stressed, I'm getting the same amount of sleep I've always gotten, which is not a lot.
8:08 Speaker 06 Yeah.
8:08 Speaker 05 Sure.
8:09 Speaker 06 Could it be that we've both been exposed to some kind of poison?
8:12 Speaker 05 Well, this is what I fear.
8:13 Speaker 06 Yeah.
8:14 Speaker 05 This is what I fear, and I fear it's forever. I feel like now I'll be eye twitch guy forever.
8:18 Speaker 06 You're the, like, eye twitch is kind of your thing?
8:20 Speaker 05 Causes.
8:22 Speaker 06 Eye strain, he says, looking at this thing like it's 100 miles away.
8:26 Speaker 05 Maybe triggered by alcohol intake, not me.
8:29 Speaker 06 Nope.
8:29 Speaker 05 Caffeine excess, I am working on caffeine, but I'm-
8:31 Speaker 06 Never, I never drink caffeine.
8:32 Speaker 05 See, me and you are different, okay. Eye strain, fatigue, fatigue is, that could be it.
8:36 Speaker 06 It could 100%, I don't sleep. What, now why aren't you sleeping?
8:39 Speaker 05 Um...
8:42 Speaker 06 Porn addiction.
8:45 Speaker 06 Long pause.
8:46 Speaker 05 I'm up, I'm up holding my eye open.
8:50 Speaker 05 No, I'm just too much stuff to do.
8:52 Speaker 06 Yeah.
8:52 Speaker 05 There's too many people to see, there's too many things to think about.
8:55 Speaker 06 I have like my eve- I have like a multiple.
8:58 Speaker 05 Nicole, Nicole, I got a good laugh out of Nicole on that one for some reason. I said, there's too many, there's too many things to think about and Nicole's.
9:04 Speaker 06 But what are we, what do you mean, what are we thinking about?
9:06 Speaker 05 Everything, name a thing. I'm thinking about it, conflicts, personal, global, military.
9:12 Speaker 06 All of it, every strat, strata.
9:14 Speaker 05 Oh my god, things I said years ago. People I haven't talked to, people I have talked to.
9:19 Speaker 06 This is when you're like, I'm definitely not depressed, you know, guys, I stay up until late at night thinking about global conflicts. It could be that.
9:27 Speaker 05 Is that depression though?
9:28 Speaker 06 I don't know, I don't, I'm not sure that that's what it is, but.
9:31 Speaker 05 Someone tap in.
9:32 Speaker 06 I can't, but I can't fall asleep because I'm thinking about global conflicts feels like something.
9:36 Speaker 05 You ever stay up because you're worried about the world?
9:38 Speaker 06 I stay up because I watch SportsCenter twice.
9:40 Speaker 05 No worries.
9:41 Speaker 06 Yeah, I watch, I watch it like twice.
9:44 Speaker 06 I'm going, I'm going, my kids go to sleep at whatever time, so it's like wife time, so my wife and I hang out and then wife goes to sleep and then I watch SportsCenter twice.
9:51 Speaker 05 Yeah. But do you think once would do it?
9:54 Speaker 06 Absolutely, the second SportsCenter is identical to the one before, they're doing, they're telling you the exact stuff they already told you.
10:00 Speaker 05 Yeah.
10:00 Speaker 06 But I like, I like the bouncing of the balls, I like the big men smushing each other, I love it.
10:05 Speaker 05 Yeah, you, I, I think my big note for you, if I could give you one, and you feel free to give me one too. I would just say do SportsCenter once and then maybe go to bed.
10:13 Speaker 06 That could help.
10:14 Speaker 05 That would be my one thing.
10:15 Speaker 06 That could, are you ever, are you ever for sports? You're wearing sports.
10:18 Speaker 05 Big football guy.
10:19 Speaker 06 Football, American football, Kansas City Chiefs.
10:21 Speaker 05 Kansas City Chiefs.
10:22 Speaker 06 Incredible.
10:22 Speaker 05 Yeah, your football team, do you care about football at all?
10:24 Speaker 06 I care about the San Francisco 49ers, so we're natural rivals. Sorry, and also, but you're from Kansas City.
10:31 Speaker 05 Yes.
10:31 Speaker 06 I acquired it as a youth, like I, because I was being bullied relentlessly, actually.
10:37 Speaker 05 Why?
10:38 Speaker 06 And I thought, um, because I was not cool, I think, I wore sweatpants all the time. I had really bad eczema, I had really bad acne.
10:46 Speaker 05 Yeah.
10:47 Speaker 06 I went on to braces which were clear.
10:50 Speaker 05 No.
10:50 Speaker 06 Big mistake.
10:51 Speaker 05 No.
10:52 Speaker 06 It's like, it looks like your teeth have teeth.
10:53 Speaker 05 Yeah.
10:54 Speaker 06 So I was, I had a lot of stuff going wrong for me, I was, now you'd think, okay, well, at least he was probably a good student, absolutely not. Teachers, yeah, berating me in front of the classroom.
11:03 Speaker 05 Yeah.
11:04 Speaker 06 It's quite smart to this day. But I had no natural ally, there was no place, there was nowhere to hide and I thought, maybe if I like sports, that will save me. The 49ers were good at that time, so that's just who I latched on to.
11:17 Speaker 05 And where were you in the world?
11:18 Speaker 06 New Haven, Connecticut.
11:19 Speaker 05 New Haven, Connecticut, being a 49ers fan.
11:21 Speaker 06 Yeah, exactly. Couldn't be geographically further from the 49ers.
11:25 Speaker 05 Also, sports as identity and community typically very geographical. And for you to pick a team across the country is like, okay, your judgment was not with the sweats and everything. It's like, yeah, you're obviously not.
11:35 Speaker 06 I was making some bad choices.
11:36 Speaker 05 You were not dialed in.
11:37 Speaker 06 This is before, and eventually I discovered theater.
11:41 Speaker 05 Hello.
11:41 Speaker 06 And.
11:42 Speaker 05 They'll take anybody.
11:42 Speaker 06 There.
11:45 Speaker 06 Literally, yes. But that's actually, at that age, actually true.
11:49 Speaker 05 Low bar to entry.
11:50 Speaker 06 Yeah, this sloppy person riddled with pockmarks, bring it, bring it. We'll take 10 more of these.
11:55 Speaker 05 Yeah, you can play a leper in the next production, whatever. They just don't care.
11:58 Speaker 06 So there, in theater, I'm a king.
12:01 Speaker 05 Yeah.
12:01 Speaker 06 Absolutely a king. So that's where, but, but before that, I adopted the 49ers prior to discovering the outlet of theater.
12:07 Speaker 05 Yeah. How did you find the theater?
12:10 Speaker 06 My mom forced me.
12:11 Speaker 05 Yeah. She made you do theater?
12:12 Speaker 06 My mom made me do ballet class.
12:14 Speaker 05 Mm-hmm.
12:15 Speaker 06 She made me do piano.
12:16 Speaker 05 Yeah.
12:17 Speaker 06 She made me do theater.
12:18 Speaker 05 Did, was she just desperate to have a gay son or she didn't? What, what, those three specific?
12:24 Speaker 06 Militantly trying to make me homosexual.
12:26 Speaker 05 I see you not having any friends. Might I interest you in ballet? Is like a very dastardly kind of move.
12:32 Speaker 06 Is there anything I can do to, maybe if we deepen this alienation, if there's something to do to ostracize you further?
12:37 Speaker 05 Let's pick a beautiful rare art form that boys historically don't respect.
12:41 Speaker 06 And I would say that, to that end, every single week, she was like, no, this week, the teacher told me there are gonna be other boys in the class. And then she would drop, drop me off, nary a boy in sight.
12:54 Speaker 05 Yeah.
12:54 Speaker 06 Not a one.
12:55 Speaker 05 Yeah.
12:55 Speaker 06 And I'm the most, oh, also inflexible person alive.
12:59 Speaker 05 Yeah.
12:59 Speaker 06 So other people are, well, they're training to be ballerinas. That's what they want to do. I can't touch my knees. So it's, it's humiliating for me in a hundred different ways.
13:09 Speaker 05 Yeah. How long did you do ballet?
13:10 Speaker 06 I did it for, I want to say, three years of ballet classes.
13:14 Speaker 05 Wow.
13:14 Speaker 06 A long time. And it got to the point where I hated it so much that my mom would drop me off. And I would go inside and then once her car, her big white van, she drove a big white van. Once it drove away, I would go outside to a payphone, call the school and say I was sick. And then my mom would come and pick me up and I would walk back into the school to be picked. You understand what I'm saying?
13:33 Speaker 05 Yes, huge.
13:33 Speaker 06 I'm doing, I'm doing subterfuge.
13:35 Speaker 05 Yes, I'm really proud of him. I like what he was doing.
13:38 Speaker 06 Yes.
13:38 Speaker 05 I wish I knew him. I would have been your friend.
13:40 Speaker 06 Thank you so much for that. Were you popular when you were? You were always popular.
13:43 Speaker 05 Uh, I wouldn't say popular. I existed in a, I kind of.
13:48 Speaker 06 Like a liminal space.
13:49 Speaker 05 I kind of got on with everybody because it was a survival technique.
13:51 Speaker 06 Okay.
13:52 Speaker 05 I, the, the, the weird kids drawing like anime pictures at lunch and like wearing horse tails and shit. I got on with them. We were cool. The athletes. I kind of just like, I under, I had like a little in with everybody. But guess what? A friend to all, a friend to none. I had no home.
14:09 Speaker 06 Okay.
14:10 Speaker 05 I had no like place to, I didn't have like the theater.
14:12 Speaker 06 I'm trying to have sympathy for that, but I was, I was getting absolutely abused.
14:15 Speaker 05 I know. I totally understand. No, I totally understand.
14:18 Speaker 06 You were, you played football, right?
14:21 Speaker 05 I did. I played football third grade to ninth grade.
14:24 Speaker 06 Okay, so that's an end. That's, that's, even if you don't feel like totally, um, at one with it, that's a community. Like people who respect you?
14:31 Speaker 05 Yeah, I was allowed places. I wasn't like, I wasn't picked on for the most part.
14:35 Speaker 06 And then also you're eloquent and you're interested in, like, that's how you can get along with people.
14:40 Speaker 05 Yeah.
14:40 Speaker 06 Because all those things together combined to make like, so everybody wants that guy around. Even if you don't feel like you're with them, they think you're with them.
14:47 Speaker 05 And you didn't feel interested or eloquent?
14:49 Speaker 06 No, no, no, never.
14:50 Speaker 05 No, not at all.
14:50 Speaker 06 No, I was, I wa, and I also looked like hell. I looked, I looked bad.
14:54 Speaker 05 Yeah.
14:55 Speaker 06 I had eczema every place. A hundred percent of my body. I was, I was a crocodile person.
14:59 Speaker 05 I love him.
15:00 Speaker 06 And I've already talked, I've talked about this before, but on top of all of this, because of the eczema, a girl, this is fifth grade now. A girl in my fifth grade class convinced the other kids that the scars from scratching the eczema were actually heroin. Uh, that's that I was injecting myself with heroin.
15:17 Speaker 05 Kids were fucked up.
15:18 Speaker 06 So they convinced the other kids that I was, that I was doing heroin.
15:22 Speaker 05 What the fuck?
15:23 Speaker 06 That's what was going on for me, Caleb.
15:25 Speaker 05 That's crazy. Yeah, my situation was better.
15:30 Speaker 05 It was tough sometimes with fat, but never did anyone think I was a heroin addict. Jesus Christ, kids suck.
15:37 Speaker 06 Tough with fat because people would make fun of you for being fat, you're saying?
15:39 Speaker 05 Oh, yeah, tough with fat. Oh, yeah, fat was my big issue. Even gay kinda went under the radar. Fat was the big one. Fat as a kid, if you're a fat kid, best of luck. I just, every time I see a fat kid, I'm like, hey. I hope you, I hope someone's giving you perspective, brother, because it's not, now's not your window, but someday you might be alright. I just see a little fat kid and I go, hang in there, pal. I don't know what to tell you. You better, you better find a skill. Be able to sing or something. Football was helpful because fat was, fat was, uh, they were very happy about fat at football.
16:11 Speaker 06 You were a lineman, I assume?
16:12 Speaker 05 Yes, but outside of football, they were not thrilled with fat.
16:14 Speaker 06 Were you good at football?
16:15 Speaker 05 Oh, very good.
16:16 Speaker 06 Really?
16:16 Speaker 05 I was very good at football.
16:17 Speaker 06 That fucking rules.
16:18 Speaker 05 Yeah, I was very good. I blew, I hurt, I had to get knee surgery when I was 15. That's why I stopped playing.
16:22 Speaker 06 Oh, would you, if you, like, you would have kept playing forever?
16:26 Speaker 05 I think so.
16:27 Speaker 06 Until some injury.
16:28 Speaker 05 I think I would have stayed in the closet and played as long as I could have. It was, it was a place where I felt very powerful.
16:33 Speaker 06 Because you, because you were good at it. What position did you play specifically?
16:35 Speaker 05 I played right guard.
16:36 Speaker 06 Okay.
16:37 Speaker 05 And then I played, uh, of very, uh, different positions on the defensive line whenever they needed me. Kind of, and I went to a small school. So it just depended on who was around and who wasn't. But yeah, I would have definitely kept playing. It was a place that I felt like strong and powerful.
16:48 Speaker 06 That's awesome.
16:49 Speaker 05 It was cool, but it wasn't like, I wasn't like mean enough and like tough enough to be like, the guys that were really idolized, like Chance is laughing because he knows what I mean. The linemen that were like really idolized were the guys who were like disgusting, like they wanted to hurt people.
17:03 Speaker 06 Yeah, totally.
17:04 Speaker 05 I never wanted to hurt anybody. I just liked winning, you know?
17:06 Speaker 06 Yeah, well, you want, as an offensive lineman, I'm just here to protect my guy.
17:10 Speaker 05 Yeah. I was like, oh, I just wanna, I wanna win the objective. I wanna like win the, the game. But these guys, the guys who like really got respected as linemen.
17:17 Speaker 06 They wanna fucking pancake your ass.
17:19 Speaker 05 Being like, I'm gonna fucking kill somebody. It was like violent, weird, like strange energy.
17:25 Speaker 06 Yeah, totally.
17:26 Speaker 05 I was always trying to get a joke off. They were always like, alright, as long as you block.
17:29 Speaker 06 My body's made of stones.
17:30 Speaker 05 Yeah.
17:30 Speaker 06 That kinda thing.
17:31 Speaker 05 It was weird. It was weird. I never took weight training seriously, obviously. I'm strong, but I was never, I was never focused up.
17:38 Speaker 06 Are we still, are we still in the gym? Ever?
17:40 Speaker 05 Not in the gym right now. I'm thinking about getting back, but I am, I'm still very strong, Michael. I can't lie to you.
17:45 Speaker 06 I love that.
17:46 Speaker 05 Yeah.
17:46 Speaker 06 And when you say, how do you know that you're very strong?
17:50 Speaker 05 Come on, take a little feel. Come on, get on there. Don't be scared.
17:54 Speaker 06 Woo!
17:54 Speaker 05 Yeah.
17:56 Speaker 06 And that's just, that's just nature?
17:57 Speaker 05 People don't know.
17:58 Speaker 06 That's nature?
17:59 Speaker 05 People don't know.
18:00 Speaker 06 There's no... You gotta be, we gotta be curling something.
18:04 Speaker 05 No, no, brother. No, no, no.
18:06 Speaker 06 You're just, you're just descended from a line. That's like...
18:08 Speaker 05 You know, I'm a, I'm a hardy Midwestern stock. And I can get back in the game at any moment. And the fact that I don't...
18:15 Speaker 06 Hercules. That's like Promethean. That's like, uh...
18:17 Speaker 05 Yeah, you should see what these legs can do. You know, I can't really get into it right now. I'm here to talk about you.
18:23 Speaker 06 Do, do you want, do you wanna, should we, do you wanna wrestle?
18:25 Speaker 05 Do I wanna wrestle you?
18:26 Speaker 06 Yeah, you could wrestle if you want.
18:28 Speaker 05 Do you know, if we wrestled, I fe, I think that you would do better than I think.
18:32 Speaker 06 I, I would say my number one tactic would be trying to escape a lot.
18:38 Speaker 05 Quick.
18:39 Speaker 06 Yeah.
18:39 Speaker 05 Speed, yeah, you're gonna run over there, run over there, tire me out.
18:42 Speaker 06 Throwing stuff in front of you.
18:43 Speaker 05 I'm officially just try, I'm doing this a lot.
18:47 Speaker 05 Missing you as you run underneath.
18:48 Speaker 06 You said you had a knee thing. I'm gonna try and exploit that in some way. Quick changes, quick, quick change of direction?
18:53 Speaker 05 If anyone listening ever finds themselves in a physical altercation with me, go for the right knee. It's my weakest thing.
18:59 Speaker 06 That's the way to go.
18:59 Speaker 05 Yeah, it's my weakest thing. You can still, if you put your finger here and I bend my leg, you can still feel it pop from the surgery.
19:04 Speaker 06 Eee.
19:04 Speaker 05 Yeah, go for the knee.
19:06 Speaker 06 Can I zag to a separate subject for a second?
19:08 Speaker 05 I wish you would.
19:08 Speaker 06 Okay. I just licked my lips and there was something on my lip, like a piece of food or something, and I drew it into my mouth.
19:14 Speaker 05 Okay.
19:14 Speaker 06 And my question is, was it there the entire time?
19:17 Speaker 05 So...
19:17 Speaker 06 Like, what level of friendship do we have with the people in this room?
19:20 Speaker 05 So I don't know.
19:21 Speaker 06 Have I had a thing here the whole time?
19:22 Speaker 05 That, they should say something to you, but let me tell you something.
19:24 Speaker 06 Okay.
19:24 Speaker 05 I've done an entire, Michael, I've done an entire episode of this show.
19:29 Speaker 06 With food on your face?
19:30 Speaker 05 Chocolate, like, smeared on my face.
19:32 Speaker 06 And no one, none of these people said anything to you?
19:34 Speaker 05 Multiple people paid very well. Paid more than their asking rate. Every single person in this room.
19:38 Speaker 06 You want, you want, we'll, we'll plus that. We'll go, we'll go over that.
19:41 Speaker 05 I say we'll pay you more because we wanna do the right thing.
19:43 Speaker 06 Because we trust you.
19:44 Speaker 05 Don't tell me chocolate all over my face, whole episode.
19:46 Speaker 06 That is crazy.
19:46 Speaker 05 The clip comes out, I go, hey, so there's chocolate smeared across my face, like the fucking kid from Matilda. And you guys didn't bother to say one single thing?
19:56 Speaker 06 I'm telling you, if that is on my lip, it has to be CGI'd out. Something has to be done. You have to put, you have to AI, does AI do that?
20:02 Speaker 05 Yeah.
20:02 Speaker 06 Can Claude, can Claude do that?
20:04 Speaker 05 We're, we're using AI all the time on our guest's physical appearances on this show.
20:08 Speaker 06 I don't like AI. I'm, I'm anti, but if Claude can do that, if Claude can do that, I want it.
20:13 Speaker 05 I'm anti AI right until I have something on my lip.
20:17 Speaker 06 That's where I draw the line.
20:17 Speaker 05 That's where I stop.
20:19 Speaker 06 That's exactly it. Something is on my lip, you can Anthropic, right? That's a company?
20:23 Speaker 05 Yeah.
20:23 Speaker 06 They can just zoop that out.
20:24 Speaker 05 Yeah, Sam Altman can come in personally and touch up my lip if he needs to.
20:28 Speaker 06 Who is, wait, Sam Altman's what? Who is this person? I'm gonna say a name, you tell me if this is somebody.
20:31 Speaker 05 Okay.
20:31 Speaker 06 Sam Bankman Freed. What's that?
20:35 Speaker 05 That is a person.
20:36 Speaker 06 Okay.
20:36 Speaker 05 And I do not remember what he is notable for.
20:39 Speaker 06 Wonderful, and we'll just, we can edit that out of the episode, take it away.
20:42 Speaker 05 No, it'll come up, Chance is gonna Google it for us now.
20:44 Speaker 06 Okay.
20:45 Speaker 05 Chance, Sam Bankman Freed.
20:47 Speaker 06 Is it a bad, is it a bad guy?
20:48 Speaker 05 Is this an evil man? He's a crypto guy.
20:50 Speaker 06 Okay.
20:50 Speaker 05 Crypto guy, yuck! Oh, sorry.
20:55 Speaker 05 Oh, fuck, my god.
20:58 Speaker 06 Honestly, what I'm looking at, to me, is that's like roughly me in fifth grade.
21:02 Speaker 05 Oh, god, oh, he's a convicted fraudster.
21:05 Speaker 06 Oh, convicted fraudster.
21:07 Speaker 05 God, he didn't have a choice, look at that mug.
21:08 Speaker 06 Commonly, commonly known as SBF. I don't, I don't think the look is good, and when you're that rich, you should be doing something with it.
21:16 Speaker 05 Oh, he, what, he, uh, he forfeited 11 billion dollars? Yeah, you shouldn't have, oh, the financier Anthony Scaramucci? He's always at the scene of the crime.
21:25 Speaker 06 The mooch!
21:25 Speaker 05 Scaramucci's always at the scene of the crime.
21:27 Speaker 06 Love Scaramucci.
21:28 Speaker 05 Leave me out of this, I can't talk about this anymore.
21:29 Speaker 06 Personal heroes.
21:30 Speaker 05 Scaramucci?
21:31 Speaker 06 Yeah.
21:31 Speaker 05 You know, the first Trump administration was a lot of fun in that he hired a bunch of people that he knew seemingly nothing about.
21:38 Speaker 06 Absolutely.
21:39 Speaker 05 And then treated them like dog shit. Fired them publicly and humiliated them, and then they all were like, I think he's a bad guy.
21:49 Speaker 05 And the second time around, he has not made that mistake. He has only hired the dumbest, most loyal fucking idiots in the world.
21:55 Speaker 06 Yes, lapdogs up, up and down.
21:57 Speaker 05 Carolyn Levitt, that stupid bitch, she'll just, she'll go up there every day and be like, I think what the president meant was? And she will never get fired.
22:05 Speaker 06 Yes, it's all, every person is a decoder ring in that way. Like, he says whatever, and they're like, okay, so what that actually means is? And it's like, no, I can see the words, I read it.
22:13 Speaker 05 Yeah.
22:13 Speaker 06 It felt like first, first Trump felt like, um, everyone, all his supporters were mad that it's like, they're not letting him do what he wants.
22:20 Speaker 05 Right.
22:20 Speaker 06 And now he's doing what he wants, and they're all like, uh-oh.
22:23 Speaker 05 Yeah, now they're having like Trump remorse.
22:24 Speaker 06 Whoopsie ditties.
22:25 Speaker 05 Like, okay, maybe. Maybe next time we don't vote for him. They will.
22:29 Speaker 06 They will. They absolutely will.
22:30 Speaker 05 I don't know if I can keep standing for this. They will.
22:33 Speaker 06 Yeah, my farm has been burned to the ground. Well, let's try it a third time.
22:36 Speaker 05 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What happened to your farm, by the way?
22:39 Speaker 06 My farm?
22:39 Speaker 05 Do you have a farm anywhere?
22:40 Speaker 06 I don't have a farm. Do you have a farm?
22:42 Speaker 05 No.
22:42 Speaker 06 Oh.
22:43 Speaker 05 But I kind of am one of those guys that wants one.
22:45 Speaker 06 You, well, I could see you having a farm.
22:47 Speaker 05 Do you want like a fuck showbiz ranch?
22:49 Speaker 06 I am ready to be out of the business. I'm ready, if I could afford, um, two. But I, I can't. I can't. So, forget it.
22:58 Speaker 05 I'm gonna be in the business.
22:58 Speaker 06 I got a mortgage, so I'll be in, this is the only thing I know how to do. So I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be in the biz. Writing, writing sloppy jokes for fucking whomever. But I would, I would love to move to Kansas. Or someplace, have a pool and just chill. That would be fucking awesome.
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24:13 Speaker 02 Ugh, I hate Mondays.
24:15 Speaker 04 King's Hawaiian cinnamon swirl bite?
24:16 Speaker 02 Uh, Taylor Hansen? Sure, I'll try one.
24:19 Speaker 04 Mmm.
24:22 Speaker 04 Hey, let's get back to work, please.
24:23 Speaker 02 But Taylor Hansen's making my day way better with these new soft and swirly King's Hawaiian cinnamon bites.
24:28 Speaker 04 Taylor Hansen? Nice. Try one. Mmm.
24:35 Speaker 07 King's Hawaiian cinnamon bites. There's nothing like it.
24:43 Speaker 05 That's beautiful over there. I can't recommend it enough. I don't have a farm. I have a house.
24:48 Speaker 06 Yeah.
24:48 Speaker 05 It's fine.
24:49 Speaker 06 I don't, I'm not good with animals.
24:51 Speaker 05 No?
24:51 Speaker 06 Like, I, I don't mind them, but I'm not good, like, um, I don't want to touch one. You know what I mean? Doesn't feel like farm is for me.
24:59 Speaker 05 Yeah, farm might not be for you.
25:00 Speaker 06 This farm, farm has animals, right? I'm thinking mu mu here. I'm thinking E I O.
25:05 Speaker 05 Totally have animals, but by the way, most of these people, most of the people that are doing like a show business farm, they're not touching the animals either. They've got hired help to do the animals. They like maybe ride a horse every once in a while.
25:15 Speaker 06 What is a show business farm?
25:16 Speaker 05 Fuck showbiz farm. You know this.
25:18 Speaker 06 Oh, I got you. I thought in my mind, you said show business farm and I imagine you're just like growing like a Jeff Probst in the ground.
25:25 Speaker 05 Goes and gets a ranch. And they're like, I'm a rancher now. And we're like, you're wearing jeans on a ranch. You're not a rancher. That's fuck show business farm.
25:33 Speaker 06 Yeah, I got you.
25:33 Speaker 05 I like that.
25:34 Speaker 06 I would, if I could afford to do that, there's so many things I would do if I could afford to do them, but that's, so ranch for sure.
25:40 Speaker 05 You know, I think one of the things, so many people, not just show business people, but so many people that live in cities in general, last couple of years been like, ugh, I just want to move to the woods. And I'm like, no you don't. No you don't. You wouldn't do well out there.
25:52 Speaker 06 Not the woods.
25:53 Speaker 05 You wouldn't do well in the woods.
25:54 Speaker 06 No, I would do, I would do horribly in the woods.
25:55 Speaker 05 You'd be so bored.
25:56 Speaker 06 Bugs.
25:57 Speaker 05 Bugs.
25:58 Speaker 06 That's kind of it. I don't do anything to listen.
25:59 Speaker 05 Spotify.
26:00 Speaker 06 Yeah.
26:01 Speaker 05 No cell service.
26:01 Speaker 06 I think, but enforced spotty wifi for me, I think would be helpful. I would sleep more if I didn't have the internet for sure.
26:07 Speaker 05 Couldn't watch the second SportsCenter.
26:09 Speaker 06 No, SportsCenter's on the TV. I don't need the internet for that.
26:11 Speaker 05 That's horrible. I was hoping, I was hoping maybe you were streaming.
26:14 Speaker 06 But you're on the internet at late at night. Come on, let's be honest.
26:17 Speaker 05 Am I on the internet late at night? Hmm, sometimes, but usually it's like responding to people's Instagram stories. I'm not doom scrolling. I don't have a TikTok on my phone. And I feel like that, when I did have TikTok on my phone,
26:29 Speaker 06 That's a bad one.
26:29 Speaker 05 That was troubling.
26:31 Speaker 06 Oh, you know what I have that is, I think maybe the most pathetic version of this?
26:34 Speaker 05 Tell me.
26:34 Speaker 06 Is I have. A video game called Clash Royale. You know what this is?
26:40 Speaker 05 No.
26:40 Speaker 06 Well, it's me and a bunch of 11-year-olds. And I, I, this is no way, that's no point even trying to explain to you this game.
26:46 Speaker 05 What are you doing on there?
26:47 Speaker 06 I'm playing a game where I'm defending my three, my two towers and my castle.
26:51 Speaker 05 Yeah.
26:52 Speaker 06 Against the other guy's towers and his castle.
26:54 Speaker 05 Yeah.
26:54 Speaker 06 And I'm sending my little minions over there to try and, and I'll.
26:57 Speaker 05 To take his stuff?
26:58 Speaker 06 To blow up his stuff.
27:00 Speaker 05 And are you succeeding?
27:01 Speaker 06 I would say most of the time I'm succeeding.
27:03 Speaker 05 Were you playing children?
27:04 Speaker 06 I'm, I'm definitely playing kids. And they, they're like little emoticon, not emoticons, emojis or whatever that they can respond to you with. And these kids are really mean.
27:12 Speaker 05 What are they saying to you?
27:13 Speaker 06 They don't say anything. It's just like a, it's a, like a king cackling at you as his little characters destroy your tower.
27:20 Speaker 05 Oh my god.
27:20 Speaker 06 Yeah, it's pretty bad. I wish I hadn't brought this up.
27:22 Speaker 05 That's horrible.
27:23 Speaker 06 Let's cut this out too.
27:24 Speaker 05 No, I think we'll keep this. Why are you on there?
27:27 Speaker 06 Uh, because I started doing it and then you like.
27:31 Speaker 05 How'd you, how'd you find it?
27:33 Speaker 06 My son.
27:34 Speaker 05 Okay.
27:34 Speaker 06 My son, my son was doing it, so that's normal.
27:35 Speaker 05 Okay, yeah.
27:36 Speaker 06 So my son was doing it and then I started playing him in it. And then he's like, I'm going to bed because it's 11pm.
27:42 Speaker 05 Yeah.
27:42 Speaker 06 I'm like, oh, I'll play, let me just play six to 700 more games of this.
27:47 Speaker 06 And now I'm playing Clash Royale with a Korean nine-year-old who's kicking my ass. And I'm like, I gotta go to bed.
27:54 Speaker 05 Destroying you.
27:55 Speaker 06 Absolutely crushing me.
27:55 Speaker 05 Have to be on her way to go to work.
27:56 Speaker 06 Yeah, exactly. I have to take my daughter to school in the morning. I'm sleeping in late because I'm like, just give daddy five more minutes. I played Clash Royale until 3am.
28:05 Speaker 05 Are you telling your kids stuff like that?
28:07 Speaker 06 Uh, I tell them, yeah, I think so.
28:08 Speaker 05 Are you guys being really honest?
28:09 Speaker 06 Pretty, pretty real with them. I mean, you know, yeah, pretty honest. There's some stuff you can't, but almost everything.
28:16 Speaker 05 What are you keeping from them?
28:18 Speaker 06 Uh.
28:19 Speaker 05 Like, how do you decide when to lie and when to be honest? Are you ever lying about small stuff just to make your life easier?
28:25 Speaker 06 I don't, I try not to.
28:26 Speaker 05 Yeah.
28:26 Speaker 06 But I probably am.
28:28 Speaker 05 Yeah.
28:28 Speaker 06 I, I don't think so. More like, you know, if like my wife and I have a, have a disagreement and my kid's like, what's that about? I'm not even lying. I'm just like, I'm not gonna tell you.
28:37 Speaker 05 Well, the truth is, I'm not gonna tell you.
28:38 Speaker 06 That's not for you.
28:39 Speaker 05 Yeah.
28:39 Speaker 06 So I think there's some things that I try to keep, like, these are the adult things and I'm not trying to bring those things into your world. You know what I mean?
28:45 Speaker 05 Yeah.
28:45 Speaker 06 But anything, if I have a feeling about something or a thought about something, I pretty much tell them.
28:51 Speaker 05 Yeah.
28:51 Speaker 06 Because I'm trying to encourage that in them, especially in, uh, in my son. Because I just feel like that's a thing that dudes tend to not do. Like, I think you're sort of socialized to. Keep everything in there, you know what I mean? And that's, I think that's bad.
29:06 Speaker 05 Yeah.
29:06 Speaker 06 You think it's bad, too?
29:07 Speaker 05 I think it's really good. I really want you-
29:10 Speaker 06 Bottle it up, that's your book.
29:11 Speaker 05 Keep things in, yeah. I do not want to see boys expressing themselves.
29:15 Speaker 06 At all. Ever.
29:17 Speaker 05 Ever.
29:18 Speaker 06 Yeah, lock it, lock it up, push it down.
29:20 Speaker 05 Yes.
29:21 Speaker 06 So, yeah, I'm trying, I'm trying to like, you know, let him have his, let him have his feelings, encourage him to express them.
29:26 Speaker 05 Yeah, do you feel like you got that?
29:28 Speaker 06 Me?
29:28 Speaker 05 Yeah.
29:29 Speaker 06 Um, no, not really.
29:32 Speaker 05 No?
29:32 Speaker 06 I mean, like, I was encouraged to participate in artistic things, ballet, piano, theater.
29:36 Speaker 05 Yeah.
29:37 Speaker 06 But like, to, I definitely remember at one point, I broke up with my girlfriend of a lo- a long time in high school, and I was crying, and my mom was like, "Come on."
29:46 Speaker 05 No.
29:46 Speaker 06 Yeah.
29:47 Speaker 05 Really?
29:47 Speaker 06 Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's, she's Filipina also, so there's a little, like, cultural there also of like, we have it here too, of men have to be a particular way. So, me crying about my girlfriend was not cool.
29:59 Speaker 05 Yeah.
30:00 Speaker 06 Yeah.
30:00 Speaker 05 Have you guys talked about that in adulthood?
30:01 Speaker 06 Me and my mom?
30:02 Speaker 05 Yeah.
30:03 Speaker 06 Hmm, no. I think if we did, she would deny it.
30:10 Speaker 06 My mom is a-
30:11 Speaker 05 She'd be like, "Oh, come on, me?"
30:13 Speaker 06 My mom is a full fabricator. Like, I don't even think, I don't even think she intends to do it. I think it's a spontaneous, uncontrollable thing where she'll just like, say some stuff. And you're like, "That's a hundred percent not true."
30:25 Speaker 05 Yeah.
30:26 Speaker 06 Like, we'll be out to dinner with my family, extended family, this happened, my mom turns to my dad's brother and goes, "You know, Michael is so close with us, he tells us all about his sex life." I'm like, "Why, why would you say that?"
30:38 Speaker 05 Do you?
30:39 Speaker 06 No, never. I, I never would, I never have. What could have possessed you to say that sentence?
30:45 Speaker 05 Yeah.
30:46 Speaker 06 But just like, something, there's just like, something flips, and she's like, "I'm gonna say something crazy right now."
30:51 Speaker 05 She's boarded, she's boarded in, and she's like, "I'm about to lie."
30:56 Speaker 05 Period.
30:57 Speaker 06 This is tedious. I'm about to say something crazy.
30:59 Speaker 05 Well, I'm bored. Who wants to hear a lie?
31:05 Speaker 05 Anyway, truth's been pretty boring. Anybody want to hear a fabrication, a falsehood?
31:08 Speaker 06 That's exact- that is what's happening.
31:10 Speaker 05 That fucking rocks.
31:11 Speaker 06 It's very entertaining. I love it. It's very fun.
31:15 Speaker 05 See, but you're robbing your kids of that because you're doing this like humble, honest thing with them. You should be lying in front of them.
31:20 Speaker 06 You're right.
31:20 Speaker 05 Give them stories.
31:21 Speaker 06 Make up more shit.
31:22 Speaker 05 Your kids are gonna be too well adjusted.
31:24 Speaker 06 Yeah. I mean, I think I was, growing up because of the bullying, very much a liar. I would just like make shit up about like, I don't know, I can't even tell you what it was, but it always made me feel bad, you know, because you're pretending.
31:36 Speaker 05 Yeah.
31:37 Speaker 06 You know what I'm talking about?
31:38 Speaker 05 When you're lying, you feel bad?
31:42 Speaker 05 Is that what you're asking me? Do I know about that?
31:43 Speaker 06 If you have the, if you-
31:47 Speaker 06 If you could relate to the feeling of having like, well, like a pretend, like I had a, like a full persona that I kind of made up because I was trying to escape the thing that I actually was.
31:55 Speaker 05 Ah, and you're asking, do I know about feeling bad?
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35:40 Speaker 06 I was, I was loathed, right? Okay, so I'm trying to invent like stories about my family. Oh, I met this famous person. I'm talking to other kids at school.
35:50 Speaker 05 Yeah.
35:51 Speaker 06 But none of it is true.
35:52 Speaker 05 Right.
35:52 Speaker 06 So anytime there was a taste of them being like, oh, I like, tell me more about that. And I'm like, oh, fuck. I've now created this distance between myself and this person. They will never know who I am because I'm invested in this lie and I will never tell them the truth.
36:05 Speaker 05 Yeah.
36:05 Speaker 06 Do you know what I'm talking about?
36:06 Speaker 05 Totally.
36:06 Speaker 06 Does this make sense to you?
36:07 Speaker 05 Totally.
36:07 Speaker 06 Okay, so you're done mocking me for having feelings?
36:09 Speaker 05 Totally, totally, totally. No, I'm, I, you said, you said, I lie and then I feel bad. Do you know what I mean? And I was like, and I was like, well, this feels like some sort of, this feels like some sort of morality test that I meant to fail. Like, you're like, you're like, Kim, I've felt bad for hurting people. You understand?
36:28 Speaker 05 Please walk with me on this. Please try to understand.
36:30 Speaker 06 Can you imagine?
36:31 Speaker 05 Can you imagine? So, uh, sorry, you're a sociopath. You wouldn't get this. Uh, he, no, totally. I've lied so many times. I also used to steal.
36:40 Speaker 06 Steal like what?
36:41 Speaker 05 Oh, I loved stealing. I would steal anything.
36:43 Speaker 06 But like what, a horse? What do you mean anything?
36:45 Speaker 05 Steal, if I, if you think, if I could steal a horse, I would have stolen a fucking horse.
36:48 Speaker 06 What, this horse? No, I brought this. You're riding off on a horse you didn't have before?
36:51 Speaker 05 My horse.
36:52 Speaker 06 So this is my horse from home?
36:53 Speaker 05 This is my horse that I brought, that I came in with, the horse I came in on. No, I would steal from anybody. I would steal change. I would steal hats. I would steal little trinkets. I would steal anything I could get my little hands on.
37:04 Speaker 06 I stole, I also stole stuff. I stole shoplifting. I would steal choose your own adventure books. That's the thing that I stole while I was supposed to be in ballet class. I would go around the corner to the bookstore and then just shove my pants full of, choose your adventure.
37:20 Speaker 05 How many are you getting in there?
37:22 Speaker 06 Shock full of books.
37:23 Speaker 05 No, not your sweats.
37:24 Speaker 06 And then I got, and then I got caught, I got caught by the guy. And he was like, I'm gonna call your parents, give me your parents' phone number. And I said, please, please don't do that. And then he didn't call them. So my parents will find out about that right now.
37:35 Speaker 05 Oh, my God, what a nice guy.
37:37 Speaker 06 Very nice guy.
37:38 Speaker 05 Why do you think he took pity on you? Do you have any understanding of that?
37:40 Speaker 06 I assumed I was sobbing.
37:41 Speaker 05 Yeah, were you?
37:42 Speaker 06 Probably, I don't remember.
37:43 Speaker 05 It's also so funny, like, as a kid, you don't really know what's fully available to you. You know, like if an adult were to say to a kid, hey, I'm gonna call your parents, give me your parents' phone number. The kid can 100% just go, no, fuck you, and walk away.
37:57 Speaker 06 Yes.
37:57 Speaker 05 But kids don't know that they can do that. So they just like stand there terrified, like, fucking 1-87. They just give the number.
38:04 Speaker 06 Yeah, exactly.
38:05 Speaker 05 It's like, you don't have to do that.
38:06 Speaker 06 I'll dial it for you, almost.
38:07 Speaker 05 Kids don't know how often you can just say no to somebody.
38:09 Speaker 06 Fuck off.
38:10 Speaker 05 It's crazy. I think about that all the time. Sometimes I get mad. This is crazy. People will receive this as crazy because it is crazy what I'm about to say. Sometimes I will think of times as a kid that I let someone tell me what to do and I will get mad. And I'll go, I should have told them no.
38:24 Speaker 06 Such as, please give us a specific example.
38:26 Speaker 05 Like, I'll think about like a teacher being like, Caleb, go sit over there, you're talking too much. And I, as an adult, go, I should have told her to fuck off. What do you mean?
38:33 Speaker 06 I'm sitting right here.
38:34 Speaker 05 I'm not going over there, I'm gonna keep talking.
38:36 Speaker 06 I'm telling you, you interrupted me.
38:37 Speaker 05 You fuck, you fucking get out of my face.
38:39 Speaker 06 You keep talking about biology or whatever, I'm talking to Steve.
38:42 Speaker 05 What are you talking about? I finished my work. Do better, give me harder work. I'm gonna stay right here. And I get mad. I go, he should have known better.
38:49 Speaker 06 See, I feel like my kids are pretty good, like, they're very self-possessing, if it's from growing up in Brooklyn or whatever. But I do feel that they would, eh, I feel like they would have the wherewithal to be like, I'd rather not do that.
39:03 Speaker 05 How old are your kids?
39:04 Speaker 06 16.
39:05 Speaker 05 Crazy.
39:05 Speaker 06 13.
39:06 Speaker 05 Crazy.
39:07 Speaker 06 Old.
39:07 Speaker 05 Whoa.
39:08 Speaker 06 Too old. I don't like it. Like, I, I mean, they're, I love them so much, they're, they're the best.
39:12 Speaker 05 Yeah.
39:13 Speaker 06 But I just don't like them. I don't like that they continue to age. I would like to freeze them.
39:18 Speaker 05 Yeah.
39:18 Speaker 06 A lot of, a lot of the time, I will be sitting with them, looking at pictures of them.
39:22 Speaker 05 Yeah.
39:22 Speaker 06 And they'll be talking to me, and I'll be like, actually, stop. I'm, I'm looking at you.
39:25 Speaker 05 Yeah. I'm actually enjoying you where you were supposed to be.
39:28 Speaker 06 Yeah. You're supposed to be this. Don't be, don't be this, what you are.
39:30 Speaker 05 Yeah.
39:31 Speaker 06 Well, just because my son is gonna, he's gonna leave. He's, he's gonna go to college.
39:34 Speaker 05 You think so?
39:35 Speaker 06 I don't want that.
39:36 Speaker 05 Fuck.
39:36 Speaker 06 Yeah.
39:36 Speaker 05 You could probably keep him in the house if you started doing some really strategic stuff now.
39:40 Speaker 06 Like, tricking him about stuff?
39:42 Speaker 05 You've got two years to sabotage his chances at college. Basically. If you wanna keep him around, that's the way things are. You've got two years with him, you've got like five with the daughter.
39:50 Speaker 06 Yeah. What do you think is a good trap? Like, get him arrested for something? Or what are you thinking?
39:54 Speaker 05 I think, yeah, totally getting him arrested for something could be huge. Then you run the risk of him going to jail.
39:58 Speaker 06 Okay, so I don't want that, probably. That's also away from me.
40:00 Speaker 05 Yeah.
40:01 Speaker 06 Maybe a viral video of him doing something problematic.
40:04 Speaker 05 Yeah, if you could get him to dress up in a costume, he has no business being in for Halloween, maybe.
40:09 Speaker 06 Yeah.
40:09 Speaker 05 Post pictures of it.
40:10 Speaker 06 If I could, maybe this is another place for AI, where I could, um, does AI do stuff like that?
40:15 Speaker 05 Yeah.
40:16 Speaker 06 Could AI make him, put him in a weird guy?
40:18 Speaker 05 Put him in a dress he shouldn't be wearing.
40:20 Speaker 06 Yeah, I'm sure. Kabuki, um, dress?
40:23 Speaker 05 I'm sure it could. Uh, that's one way to go, but then there is the chance that maybe you'll want him to be able to leave the house someday.
40:30 Speaker 06 Yeah, right, right, right, right, right.
40:32 Speaker 05 So you maybe don't want to do something so permanent.
40:33 Speaker 06 Okay. Hmm, this is, this is good to pitch on this, though.
40:36 Speaker 05 You could start, you or your wife could start pretending to be quite sick.
40:44 Speaker 06 Oh, that's good.
40:45 Speaker 05 And then whenever you're ready for him to leave the house, you could be like, oh, we've cured it.
40:48 Speaker 06 I'm fine now. I'm actually fine.
40:50 Speaker 05 In like five or six years, when you guys are actually sick of him being in the house, you'd be like, oh, we're better.
40:54 Speaker 06 Yeah.
40:54 Speaker 05 Yeah.
40:55 Speaker 06 He's been like changing my bedpan for six years.
40:57 Speaker 05 Yeah. But you guys are hanging out, playing Clash Royale or whatever the fuck.
41:02 Speaker 05 He's like 23, being like, sorry, my dad's sick. He wants to play Clash Royale. Like, I can't come out tonight.
41:07 Speaker 06 Yeah, can't take any classes or leave the home at all.
41:13 Speaker 05 Sorry, I can't, I can't come out at all ever. My dad's sick.
41:17 Speaker 06 Yeah, if I don't play NBA 2K with my dad, he has seizures.
41:24 Speaker 05 No, he'll start seizing for real, guys. I've seen it.
41:26 Speaker 06 Wait, is this bad? I do like force my son to play NBA 2K with me, like force him. He'll be like, I don't want to. I want to do homework. I'm like, well.
41:32 Speaker 05 Too bad.
41:33 Speaker 06 Yeah, well, because I said so.
41:35 Speaker 05 No, that's the point of having kids.
41:36 Speaker 06 Yes, I agree with that.
41:37 Speaker 05 That's totally the point of having kids.
41:38 Speaker 06 Do you want to have kids?
41:39 Speaker 05 I do.
41:40 Speaker 06 Okay.
41:40 Speaker 05 Yeah, I do.
41:41 Speaker 06 Well, how many kids? What kind of kids?
41:42 Speaker 05 Oh, my gosh. What kind of kids? I'll take any kind. Whatever they'll sell me, you know?
41:47 Speaker 06 Whatever they got.
41:48 Speaker 05 Whatever they got, whatever's left on the market. Um, how many do I want? I think I would love like three.
41:53 Speaker 06 Three kids.
41:54 Speaker 05 That would be great.
41:54 Speaker 06 Kind of a classic.
41:55 Speaker 05 Three would be great.
41:56 Speaker 06 Are you of three? Or are you of what?
41:58 Speaker 05 No, I'm technically of two, but it was very complicated. But I was most, a lot of times I was, uh, the only kid in the house. Um, so three would be cool.
42:06 Speaker 06 Yeah.
42:06 Speaker 05 I definitely don't want just one.
42:07 Speaker 06 I'm of three. Three, three, three good.
42:11 Speaker 05 Three cool for you?
42:12 Speaker 06 Three cool. We have two and I'm not, I'm not having it. I'm not having, I had, I had my penis broke.
42:16 Speaker 05 Yeah?
42:17 Speaker 06 Yeah. I, I went and got a vasectomy. I said, fucking. Kill it.
42:21 Speaker 05 Yeah, cut that shit off.
42:22 Speaker 06 Break that fucker.
42:23 Speaker 05 Yeah, you don't.
42:24 Speaker 06 Punch it.
42:25 Speaker 05 You know, they can reverse that.
42:26 Speaker 06 What's that? No, not what they did to me.
42:30 Speaker 06 No, sir, brother. I made sure they couldn't.
42:32 Speaker 05 No.
42:33 Speaker 06 I said, you go out there, you get a gun, you come back.
42:36 Speaker 05 Do the irrevocable one.
42:38 Speaker 06 Yeah, yeah.
42:39 Speaker 05 Nice.
42:40 Speaker 06 I want to do some crimes down there.
42:41 Speaker 05 Yeah, and they did.
42:43 Speaker 06 And they did. And it still hurts to this day, but it's worth it.
42:49 Speaker 05 Damn, I hate to hear that, brother.
42:51 Speaker 06 No, the idea of just, it's really, it's the economy, buddy. It's the economy. If I had one more kid, the stress of how much it costs, I would go straight through.
43:00 Speaker 05 You'd have both eyes twitching.
43:02 Speaker 06 Both eyes twitching, my butthole twitches, it's all, everything's twitching like crazy.
43:06 Speaker 05 Bad news.
43:06 Speaker 06 I would, I would sprint full speed out the window, crash, boom, done, it's over.
43:11 Speaker 05 Yeah.
43:11 Speaker 06 Even if there wasn't a window, I would Kool-Aid man through the wall.
43:14 Speaker 05 Yeah.
43:14 Speaker 06 And end up on the road. I can't, I can't support another child. I can't. I just can't do it.
43:18 Speaker 05 Okay, don't have a third.
43:19 Speaker 06 Okay, thank you.
43:20 Speaker 05 Yeah.
43:21 Speaker 06 Thank you for saying that.
43:21 Speaker 05 You knew I was gonna keep pushing and you set me straight and that's fine. I've met your wife, she's wonderful. I'd love to see you guys have a third kid, but I understand.
43:28 Speaker 06 Stop saying that. Don't say that. Cut that out. Use Claude for that.
43:33 Speaker 05 Cut that out. Oh, that's so funny. Well, fuck, okay, I guess you'll just have the two then. Do you know what the, do your kids have any idea what they want to do?
43:42 Speaker 06 My son has been dabbling, he's been dabbling in law stuff. He, he spent a week with the Brooklyn DA's office.
43:49 Speaker 05 Fuck.
43:49 Speaker 06 And he is going today to meet, I think to watch court proceedings with some judge. Um, so he's kind of into that, but it's, it's really a dabble. Like, he went to the court to watch the Brooklyn DA, and there was some Hispanic guy who was pleading guilty to something. And the judge was saying to this guy, you know, by pleading guilty, you waive your right to, all these rights that you waive. And Truman, is my son's name, came home and he was like, dude, it was fucking sad as hell.
44:16 Speaker 05 Yeah.
44:16 Speaker 06 It's like, so maybe then you don't want to, maybe this is not exactly the thing you want to do. Or maybe you could be, maybe you could be protecting this guy.
44:22 Speaker 05 Yeah.
44:23 Speaker 06 But I think there is sort of like a TV version of the law and a movie version. That's very glamorous and then there's like actual, real practical law shit that is pretty bleak.
44:34 Speaker 05 Yeah.
44:35 Speaker 06 So, I don't know.
44:36 Speaker 05 Damn.
44:36 Speaker 06 I, I, I would be happy, he loves sports. I'd be happy for him to find some kind of a, some kind of a sports, uh, job.
44:43 Speaker 05 I bet you would. You would. You want him to work-
44:45 Speaker 06 Be watching Sports Center.
44:45 Speaker 05 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, get a job at Sports Center. See if, see if they'll give old dad a tour.
44:52 Speaker 05 I bet, I bet you get to take someone around the office every once in a while. Maybe you bring in old dad.
44:59 Speaker 06 Yeah, hey, uh, give, give, give paw chips.
45:04 Speaker 05 Maybe I can play one-on-one with Charles Barkley.
45:07 Speaker 06 I can sit behind the desk, right? Nobody cares.
45:08 Speaker 05 Yeah. Nobody cares. I get a picture?
45:09 Speaker 06 Turn the camera on, see what happens.
45:14 Speaker 05 Your poor son just wants to be a lawyer so bad. Like, no, come on.
45:18 Speaker 06 My dad forced me to do sports.
45:20 Speaker 05 Run the, run the old school stat sheet. Get in with the nets.
45:24 Speaker 06 And then my daughter just got into LaGuardia, the LaGuardia School for the Performing Arts.
45:29 Speaker 05 Whoa, what kind of arts? What kind of performing?
45:30 Speaker 06 Drama. She brings, she brings the drama. She's, she's an actress.
45:33 Speaker 05 Whoa.
45:35 Speaker 06 And so, and that's like the public school system. I don't know what you know about this or how you, how much you want to know.
45:39 Speaker 05 I want to know a lot.
45:40 Speaker 06 Public, public high school in New York City is like a whole fucked up system that is, um, bad, but probably better than any other system that they could have devised. Cause there's a billion people and there's only like so many good schools. So you, if a lottery number and her, the lottery number starts with zero, zero. That's the best one you can get. Like it's, it's a long thing, but starts with zero, zero. Hers started with E, E. You understand? We're not even in the numbers anymore. We graduated to alphabet.
46:06 Speaker 05 Yeah.
46:07 Speaker 06 And she's like an incredible student, so that sucks. So she had to audition, do a bunch of things to try and get into other schools. So she auditioned for LaGuardia and she got in, which is- Great.
46:16 Speaker 05 Nice.
46:16 Speaker 06 It's a good school.
46:17 Speaker 05 Nice. It's a really, it's a really good school from what I hear.
46:19 Speaker 06 But also, I mean, not just for the acting, also for the reading and the writing and the, and the plus thing and the minus thing.
46:25 Speaker 05 If she's talented, who cares?
46:26 Speaker 06 Yeah, I guess that's true.
46:27 Speaker 05 If you're not talented, learn how to read. But if you're talented.
46:29 Speaker 06 Who cares?
46:30 Speaker 05 Just fuck it. Who cares?
46:30 Speaker 06 Yeah, just say, they'll say it in your ear and you say it out loud.
46:32 Speaker 05 Hello? Yeah, forget reading. I don't, I just feel if you're talented, you, those things don't apply to you.
46:37 Speaker 06 Yeah. I, I mean, I'm, I, I don't know if I want her to be an actress so much, so much of the external validation. You know what I mean?
46:43 Speaker 05 Yeah.
46:44 Speaker 06 You don't have that. You have, you validate internally. You seem pure and wise.
46:47 Speaker 05 I don't think that I'm pure.
46:49 Speaker 06 Okay.
46:49 Speaker 05 I think there's a shot at wise.
46:51 Speaker 06 Okay.
46:51 Speaker 05 I might be wise on some days.
46:53 Speaker 06 Okay.
46:53 Speaker 05 I feel, yeah, I feel pretty, uh, I feel pretty internally validated. I think, I think I know when I've done good or bad.
47:01 Speaker 06 Yeah.
47:02 Speaker 05 Do you not have that?
47:03 Speaker 06 Yeah, I'm okay. I mean, I'm physically a disaster, but mentally I think, okay.
47:08 Speaker 05 Physically disaster. So the ankles and the knees are a problem.
47:11 Speaker 06 Ankles and knees are a problem. I'm playing basketball as much as possible because I love it.
47:15 Speaker 05 Yeah. Is there any part of your brain that goes, it's a ticking clock on the basketball stuff?
47:21 Speaker 06 I, every injury I have in my life, like a real injury, is from playing basketball. I have, um, my, hurt my knee, torn something in my knee, sprained my ankles really badly. I have over both of my eyelids, I've burst both of my eyelids from getting head butted playing basketball.
47:36 Speaker 05 Ugh.
47:36 Speaker 06 A lot of bad stuff, but I, I, I, there's, I love it so much.
47:42 Speaker 05 Yeah.
47:42 Speaker 06 Is there anything like that for you? Like, was football ever like that?
47:45 Speaker 05 Hmm, no, I would say maybe, like, in terms of like, well, I don't, things I love doing like that. I love going on a long walk. I like riding bikes. But it's nothing competitive.
47:56 Speaker 06 Like, if I hear a basketball, if I were to hear a basketball in the hall right now.
48:00 Speaker 05 Yeah.
48:00 Speaker 06 After this is over, I would go and try and find where that is and be like, yeah, I'll play.
48:04 Speaker 05 Yeah.
48:04 Speaker 06 And I'm wearing this. Or like, if I, if I'm at a, if I'm at a wedding and I'm dressed in a full suit and I can see, like, outside the wedding, outside of the grounds, there's a basketball game happening over there.
48:13 Speaker 05 Yeah.
48:14 Speaker 06 I'm like, I bet if I stepped out, I could play with them for like 10, 15 minutes.
48:17 Speaker 05 Yeah.
48:18 Speaker 06 I love it.
48:19 Speaker 05 I love that for you so much.
48:21 Speaker 06 There's like, there's no, it's so, nothing ma, it's just us. It's, we're, we're symbiotic.
48:26 Speaker 05 Yeah.
48:27 Speaker 06 Do you know what I mean?
48:28 Speaker 05 I don't think I do, but it's a really beautiful feeling that I wish I had about something.
48:31 Speaker 06 I don't know anything about what you, I don't know your opinion on fracking or whatever. I'm just like, we, you and I are one. We're part of this organism that is playing this thing right now.
48:39 Speaker 05 Yeah.
48:39 Speaker 06 It's like, it's like music, kind of.
48:41 Speaker 05 It's beautiful.
48:42 Speaker 06 Am I high? What am I talking about?
48:43 Speaker 05 You're not high at all. You're describing a beautiful love of sport.
48:46 Speaker 06 Like, it's, but it's like that. It's like, you, if you're ever in a band, it's just like, what, what the fuck are we even doing? This is all nonsense, but I love it.
48:54 Speaker 05 100%. I feel, I wish you were saying this on a different podcast, because I know there are podcasts out there where a bunch of straight guys would be in the comments being like, "He fucking nailed it." Like, that's how I feel. Unfortunately, there are gonna be some lesbians that listen to this that are gonna be able to understand.
49:11 Speaker 06 New York Liberty?
49:12 Speaker 05 New York Liberty.
49:13 Speaker 06 The New York Liberty.
49:14 Speaker 05 They're gonna listen.
49:15 Speaker 06 They're okay. That's, that's sports and that's women.
49:17 Speaker 05 Yeah.
49:17 Speaker 06 That's women playing sports.
49:18 Speaker 05 Women, I love women playing sports.
49:20 Speaker 06 I guess you didn't think women, women could play sports, did you?
49:21 Speaker 05 I did not.
49:22 Speaker 06 That's what you're always saying.
49:23 Speaker 05 I still don't. I do not believe women can play sports. Oh, wait, I have to ask you something. What is so true to you?
49:29 Speaker 06 Oh, oh, right. Okay. Um, what is so true to me? This is like a hot, a take.
49:34 Speaker 05 Oh, sure.
49:36 Speaker 06 Is this enough of a take? You have to say, "We're splitting the check before we order."
49:43 Speaker 05 Whoa.
49:44 Speaker 06 You have to say that at the top.
49:45 Speaker 05 Whoa.
49:46 Speaker 06 You can't say it at the end.
49:47 Speaker 05 Whoa.
49:48 Speaker 06 Because I don't drink.
49:49 Speaker 05 Yeah.
49:50 Speaker 06 So you're, when I go out and we have dinner, you're drinking. You're having two glasses of the Sauvignon Blanc.
49:55 Speaker 05 Caleb isn't, but yeah, the other person with you.
49:57 Speaker 06 Okay, so that's, this is 40 bucks and I'm, I'm paying for half of yours?
50:00 Speaker 05 Yeah.
50:01 Speaker 06 No way, buddy. I'm throwing another steak in there. I'm, I'm taking a to-go steak.
50:04 Speaker 05 Yeah.
50:05 Speaker 06 And you're paying for that. How do you feel about that?
50:06 Speaker 05 Yeah. I like this.
50:08 Speaker 06 I'm actually really mad now. I wish we hadn't started talking about this.
50:10 Speaker 05 I'm kinda pissed off as well.
50:11 Speaker 06 Who brought this up? Was it you?
50:12 Speaker 05 It was me.
50:13 Speaker 06 It's fucked up.
50:14 Speaker 05 Fucking, people putting too much alcohol on the bill, you tell them.
50:16 Speaker 06 Yeah, it's just not right.
50:18 Speaker 05 Yeah.
50:18 Speaker 06 Or splitting, just splitting the check. And also, if, if you're rich, if you 5X my income,
50:24 Speaker 05 Yeah.
50:24 Speaker 06 you're paying for it.
50:25 Speaker 05 Now, this is kinda where I'm at.
50:28 Speaker 06 We're not split. We're either paying for what we got, or you're paying for all of it. Those are our two options.
50:32 Speaker 05 If you are so clearly the richest person at the table,
50:35 Speaker 06 Yeah.
50:35 Speaker 05 you have an obligation to pay. Sorry.
50:37 Speaker 06 All this is on you.
50:38 Speaker 05 You just do.
50:39 Speaker 06 Yeah, and it's fine. What do you care?
50:41 Speaker 05 Yeah.
50:41 Speaker 06 What do you care? You have so much money.
50:42 Speaker 05 Pay for it.
50:43 Speaker 06 That's how I feel.
50:45 Speaker 05 I don't care how many people are sitting at the table. If you know in your heart that you could drop $700 on the check and it wouldn't really affect your week, you have a responsibility to do it.
50:54 Speaker 06 Legally, legally. This is my, this is my, this is our platform.
50:57 Speaker 05 Yes.
50:57 Speaker 06 We should run co-president
50:58 Speaker 05 Yeah.
50:59 Speaker 06 of the country.
51:00 Speaker 05 You can be president, I'll be vice.
51:01 Speaker 06 You sure?
51:02 Speaker 05 Yeah, take it.
51:02 Speaker 06 I feel like it. Okay.
51:03 Speaker 05 You're more palatable. You be the main guy. I'll run. I'll be like Dick Cheney. We're doing secret crazy weird shit.
51:08 Speaker 06 Operating me like a marionette.
51:09 Speaker 05 Yeah.
51:10 Speaker 06 Hand up my butt, maybe even doing, doing this kind of thing.
51:12 Speaker 05 Yes.
51:14 Speaker 06 You gotta be careful with my busted penis.
51:16 Speaker 05 I'll be careful with your busted dick.
51:17 Speaker 06 Yeah.
51:18 Speaker 05 Knees and ankles. Hopefully, everything's cool in the anal cavity, so I can get up there and work around.
51:23 Speaker 06 Oh, I'm doing, I'm doing, have you done colonoscopy yet?
51:26 Speaker 05 No, I'm 31.
51:27 Speaker 06 Buddy, I've done three.
51:28 Speaker 05 Yeah?
51:29 Speaker 06 And those suckers rule.
51:31 Speaker 05 Really?
51:32 Speaker 06 It's the best.
51:33 Speaker 05 Wow.
51:33 Speaker 06 You're doing the prep's not great, but it's not as bad as they say. You piss shit for a day.
51:39 Speaker 05 Yeah.
51:39 Speaker 06 Or you shit piss. But then the colonoscopy, they give you propofol. Have you ever?
51:44 Speaker 05 I don't know what that is.
51:45 Speaker 06 It's the stuff that, and it takes you out, out. You are in a deep sleep. You're on an astral plane. You're gone.
51:54 Speaker 05 Yeah.
51:54 Speaker 06 You know, you like, you don't sleep enough.
51:56 Speaker 05 Yeah.
51:56 Speaker 06 Propofol, you will have a sleep like you have never had in your entire life. And the guy is like, "Countdown from 10, so I know," and you go, "Tuh," and you're out.
52:06 Speaker 05 Whoa.
52:06 Speaker 06 You are gone, brother. Michael Jackson, I think, died from it, so you gotta be
52:11 Speaker 05 Careful, obviously.
52:11 Speaker 06 Careful.
52:12 Speaker 05 Yeah.
52:12 Speaker 06 But when you do it, you're like, "I get it."
52:14 Speaker 05 Yeah.
52:15 Speaker 06 "I get why that happened."
52:16 Speaker 05 And then what do they do to you?
52:17 Speaker 06 They put a camera up your butthole, and they zoom it around in there, and they take pictures of everything.
52:23 Speaker 05 Why does that rock for you?
52:25 Speaker 06 You don't even know what's happening. It's the sleep.
52:27 Speaker 05 Oh, you're just, you're excited about the sleep?
52:29 Speaker 06 It's the sleep. It's the best sleep you'll ever get.
52:31 Speaker 05 You really don't get sleep.
52:34 Speaker 06 I'll do it all. I'll, I'll, I'll shit piss and I'll have the camera up my ass. I just want this. I want the, what I like, I guess, is propofol, not colonoscopy.
52:42 Speaker 05 Yeah, I was gonna say, I don't think the actual procedure was doing anything for you. You're like, I love it. I thought you were gonna tell me you had like some euphoric feeling afterwards or something.
52:48 Speaker 06 Absolutely not. No, it's just, it's just a really good nap. It's worth it. The copay, everything. Pay the money. You should have it done. I would just say, do it.
52:55 Speaker 05 Yeah, just go get one.
52:56 Speaker 06 Yeah.
52:57 Speaker 05 Okay. I might. I might. What's the other thing you're supposed to have? Colonoscopy? Oh, prostate exam.
53:02 Speaker 06 Prostate. I don't, I don't think I've had that. But maybe when they do the colonoscopy, do they do that?
53:06 Speaker 05 I don't know, but if you haven't, I really would like for you to get one.
53:08 Speaker 06 Okay. You're feeling like that's gonna be a problem for me?
53:10 Speaker 05 I would be concerned if you've never had a prostate exam and I'd like for you to get one.
53:14 Speaker 06 Okay. You, have you had one?
53:15 Speaker 05 No, but I think really after a certain age you're supposed to. You're really supposed to be doing it.
53:20 Speaker 06 This is what, this whole thing has been a conspiracy to get me to get a prostate exam and to call me old. Is that what it is?
53:26 Speaker 05 No, you're quite young, but I do think there's an age where you're supposed to be getting them regularly.
53:30 Speaker 06 Okay. A lot of things. There are a lot of things I'm, I'm supposed to be doing that I'm not doing, and I think that's one of them.
53:35 Speaker 05 I think honestly, what I would love to do is hospital day. Once a year, I'd love to just be like, hey, stick a thing up my ass, the camera, do the, check the prostate, run all the blood tests.
53:46 Speaker 06 Yes.
53:46 Speaker 05 Put me in the big scanner that scans for every type of cancer.
53:49 Speaker 06 Yeah.
53:49 Speaker 05 MRIs. I'll just come in all day and then I don't wanna hear from you guys for a while.
53:53 Speaker 06 Yeah, I'm not really doing the things that are like super necessary all the time. I'm doing more like, I'm like eating minoxidil. Do you know what I mean? I'm doing, I'm doing stuff that's like periphery.
54:04 Speaker 05 Yeah.
54:04 Speaker 06 I'm not doing things for my health as much as I should be.
54:07 Speaker 05 Well, I think that, you're fine. I think you're fine.
54:09 Speaker 06 Okay, thank you.
54:10 Speaker 05 You seem fine.
54:10 Speaker 06 That's what I need. I need to hear that.
54:11 Speaker 05 I think don't worry about any of it. An unexamined health situation is often better anyway.
54:16 Speaker 06 That's what they always say.
54:17 Speaker 05 Yeah, don't think about it. And if something comes up, fuck it, we'll ball when we need to ball.
54:21 Speaker 06 I love that idea.
54:22 Speaker 05 Yeah.
54:22 Speaker 06 And that's real, that's real talk.
54:24 Speaker 05 Yeah.
54:24 Speaker 06 That's basket, because that's, that's B-ball.
54:26 Speaker 05 Fuck it, we ball.
54:27 Speaker 06 Yeah.
54:27 Speaker 05 Et cetera.
54:28 Speaker 06 Beautiful.
54:29 Speaker 05 Do you worry about, do you, what do you worry about? Do you worry about anything?
54:33 Speaker 06 I worry about, oh god, what do I worry about? I worry about losing my hair.
54:40 Speaker 05 Really?
54:40 Speaker 06 I worry about that.
54:41 Speaker 05 Is that happening?
54:42 Speaker 06 It is happening. We're getting, we're getting some, uh, the forehead is encroaching.
54:46 Speaker 05 Yeah.
54:46 Speaker 06 You know what I mean? It's, it's, it's zipping up there.
54:48 Speaker 05 Yeah.
54:49 Speaker 06 Um, so I worry about that. What's that?
54:51 Speaker 05 You thought about going to Turkey?
54:53 Speaker 06 I was just with, um, God, what's his name? Gus Constantel- Constant- you don't know what I'm talking about?
54:59 Speaker 05 I believe you, yeah, I don't know.
55:00 Speaker 06 I was, I, at, when I was, I did a thing for local news here before this, and the comedian who was on after me-
55:05 Speaker 05 Yeah.
55:05 Speaker 06 -had gone to Turkey.
55:06 Speaker 05 Whoa.
55:07 Speaker 06 No complaints, said he loved it, and it looked great. He looked great. Gus. His name is Gus. His hair looks incredible.
55:13 Speaker 05 I've seen one guy, I know one guy who went to Turkey. I know four who it didn't really look good, and I think it was a waste of their time and money. I know one guy who looks amazing.
55:21 Speaker 06 Was he fully bald when he went?
55:23 Speaker 05 No.
55:24 Speaker 06 Interesting. I worry about the hairline. I feel like the top, I feel like what you could get to look good, I worry that the hairline is gonna look fucking crazy. It's gonna look like a, like, you know, like a horror movie.
55:35 Speaker 05 I think when my time comes, I'll lose my hair for sure.
55:38 Speaker 06 You say that now.
55:39 Speaker 05 I think when my time comes, no, no, I don't think I'm gonna, I don't think I'm gonna bald gracefully at all. That's not where I'm going with this.
55:43 Speaker 06 Okay.
55:43 Speaker 05 No way. I'm not one of those idiots.
55:45 Speaker 06 Yeah.
55:45 Speaker 05 I think I'll just, um, when it's like very obvious it needs to go-
55:49 Speaker 06 Yeah.
55:49 Speaker 05 I'll just shave it all off, completely bald, and start wearing male hair units.
55:55 Speaker 06 A system!
55:55 Speaker 05 And changing, I'll wear a system. I'll wear, I'll get really good men's wigs and wear a different one every week.
56:01 Speaker 06 Change them up. Oh my God, I love that.
56:03 Speaker 05 Yeah, I think that's how I'll go.
56:04 Speaker 06 You know who talks about systems all the time is Asher Pearlman. You know Asher, our friend Asher Pearlman?
56:08 Speaker 05 Is Asher wearing systems?
56:08 Speaker 06 He's not, but he talks about it all the time. He's a-
56:10 Speaker 05 He's so handsome as a bald man.
56:11 Speaker 06 He's a gorgeous bald man. His baldness is working for him. So, Google, Google him, guys, he's hot.
56:15 Speaker 05 He's handsome, guy.
56:16 Speaker 06 But he is always talking about throwing a system up there, and it's, it's really funny.
56:20 Speaker 05 He, unfortunately bald works so well for him. I think it would be, it would be horrible to see him in a unit. But I'd like to maybe see what I could do with some wigs.
56:29 Speaker 06 Bald will, when I go bald when it ultimately happens, and I'm, I, I, again, I am eating fistfuls of minoxidil, so I'm doing everything I can to stop it. It's gonna look bad on me, because my eyebrows are kind of thin already, so I am gonna look like I have an illness. It's gonna look like I have a, a, a, some kind of a, a rare, maybe rickets, which I still don't know what it is.
56:48 Speaker 05 You still don't know what it is, but it might be what you have.
56:49 Speaker 06 Yeah.
56:50 Speaker 05 I, yeah, bald will not be good for me. I can tell you that right now.
56:54 Speaker 06 I could, I could kind of see it.
56:55 Speaker 05 No, sir. I, uh, I will not look good with bald. Um, I did have a goatee this morning.
57:01 Speaker 06 This morning you had one?
57:02 Speaker 05 Well, I had a bunch of facial hair. Chance saw me last night. I hadn't shaved in a while. I was my little rebellion against having had to shave for every day for weeks. And then this morning, when I shaved, I shaved it into a goatee and I said, "You know what?" Much like every man who's ever shaved.
57:16 Speaker 06 I wish to God you had kept that.
57:18 Speaker 05 You know, I have a picture.
57:19 Speaker 06 Yes, please.
57:19 Speaker 05 Would you like to see a picture?
57:20 Speaker 06 Please.
57:20 Speaker 05 I won't show it to the audience. I'll only show it to you.
57:22 Speaker 06 Please show it. They need to see it.
57:24 Speaker 05 They can't see it, but I'll, I'll let them see your reaction to it.
57:27 Speaker 06 I'm gonna like it. A hundred, there's no way I won't like it.
57:29 Speaker 05 This is me with a goatee. I don't think you're gonna recognize this guy.
57:32 Speaker 06 There's no way I won't like it.
57:33 Speaker 05 I'm shirtless out of the shower.
57:35 Speaker 06 Okay, well, that's.
57:36 Speaker 05 Try not to get turned on.
57:37 Speaker 06 There's a lot, there's a lot going on. I cannot wait to see this.
57:43 Speaker 06 I am obsessed with that guy. You have to.
57:47 Speaker 05 Don't you love him?
57:48 Speaker 06 You have to do it.
57:49 Speaker 05 Don't you kind of love him?
57:51 Speaker 06 You have to do that. You have, at least for one episode of this, you're not, "Oh, you did angles."
57:56 Speaker 05 I did angles.
57:57 Speaker 06 That's incredible. That one gives kind of like frustrated restaurant manager.
58:02 Speaker 05 Exactly.
58:03 Speaker 06 And I really like that.
58:04 Speaker 05 That's what I was going for.
58:04 Speaker 06 And it's a good guy. Like, it's a manager that you, you don't like the other managers. This manager you like and you disappointed him, and that's the face he made.
58:10 Speaker 05 You upset him. You know Paul No-showed again. He should have fired you the last time.
58:14 Speaker 06 Yeah, it's like, you got one more chance.
58:15 Speaker 05 Yeah.
58:16 Speaker 06 But really, this, come on, I don't want to fire you.
58:18 Speaker 05 He's a good guy. His name's Gil.
58:21 Speaker 06 Yeah. You should some days be Gil on this podcast.
58:23 Speaker 05 You think so?
58:24 Speaker 06 I think so.
58:24 Speaker 05 Come in with a goatee.
58:26 Speaker 06 Yeah.
58:26 Speaker 05 And just act totally different.
58:27 Speaker 06 I have been doing, I've been doing kind of like mustache-ish, but also like the Asian of me doesn't really want it to be full.
58:34 Speaker 05 You're Asian!
58:35 Speaker 06 I'm ha- I'm half Filipino, for God's sake.
58:37 Speaker 05 I didn't realize.
58:38 Speaker 06 You don't have a team that does this before I get here?
58:40 Speaker 05 They don't bring up anybody's race. I've asked them to.
58:42 Speaker 06 Okay.
58:42 Speaker 05 I've said, "Don't bring up anybody's race."
58:44 Speaker 06 I'm half Filipino.
58:45 Speaker 05 I know that. I'm playing with you.
58:46 Speaker 06 Oh, this is fucked up.
58:46 Speaker 05 Could you imagine?
58:47 Speaker 06 This is crazy.
58:47 Speaker 05 Your facial hair is great.
58:49 Speaker 06 Really?
58:49 Speaker 05 You've got great facial hair. I like, I really like the way it frames your face. It's very handsome.
58:53 Speaker 06 That's nice of you to say. I also, um, have we, have we been going for five hours? Do you need to leave? Is this over? Is this, this hasn't been recording at all?
59:00 Speaker 05 Oh, no, we've just had an hour.
59:01 Speaker 06 I wanted to say that sometimes it's patchy because the, like, the eczema comes also with something, um... Alopecia areata, you ever get this?
59:10 Speaker 05 No.
59:11 Speaker 06 Oh buddy, that's where you get just a little patch where the hair doesn't grow. So then I go to a dermatologist and he shoots hair juice into my, into my face. So it grows, it's like, it's a steroid basically. But I will have like, perfect, like a cer- a perfect circle where there's no hair. And it's so perfect that'll look like I shaved a circle into my facial hair. So that, we can't have that. Like, I can't stand.
59:33 Speaker 05 That's a different guy.
59:34 Speaker 06 So then, my guy, Dr. Wildman, goes and shoots some hair juice in there and then it grows back.
59:39 Speaker 05 Yeah, that's beautiful.
59:40 Speaker 06 Thank you.
59:41 Speaker 05 Thank you for your doctor and shout out to him as well.
59:42 Speaker 06 Yes, absolutely. Um, Wild Cornell, that's my guy.
59:47 Speaker 05 You want to play a game?
59:48 Speaker 06 All the cameras. What's that?
59:49 Speaker 05 I have a game for you.
59:50 Speaker 06 Okay, I love that. I love games.
59:53 Speaker 06 Why did it flip over?
59:54 Speaker 05 Ah, I had to get to the game.
59:55 Speaker 06 Oh, so, but what was on the other side?
59:56 Speaker 05 I can't tell you that.
59:57 Speaker 06 Okay.
59:58 Speaker 05 We run a very serious show here. As you saw when you walked in.
1:00:01 Speaker 06 Yes, yes, yes.
1:00:02 Speaker 05 I think, I think you walked in, Chance immediately kicked over a coffee like Homer Simpson.
1:00:07 Speaker 05 And then I said, "Don't!", and he's in there like wiping it up. I was like, "Great."
1:00:12 Speaker 05 I'm gonna read you 15 statements. Tell me as quickly as you can if what I just said is true or false.
1:00:19 Speaker 06 First one's true.
1:00:20 Speaker 05 And if you get 10 or more correct.
1:00:21 Speaker 06 Okay.
1:00:22 Speaker 05 I'm gonna give you 15, 50 US dollars.
1:00:24 Speaker 06 Cash?
1:00:25 Speaker 05 Yeah.
1:00:25 Speaker 06 Really?
1:00:26 Speaker 05 Yeah, you ready?
1:00:26 Speaker 06 Is it a 50 or is it 20, two 20s and a 10?
1:00:29 Speaker 05 It's more of a digital wire, I'm not gonna lie to you.
1:00:31 Speaker 06 So I said cash and you just, it's not true?
1:00:32 Speaker 05 I didn't think you were gonna keep going. I didn't think you were gonna call my bluff, really.
1:00:37 Speaker 06 Okay.
1:00:38 Speaker 05 You ready?
1:00:38 Speaker 06 Do you have my routing and stuff?
1:00:39 Speaker 05 Yes.
1:00:40 Speaker 06 I don't think you do.
1:00:41 Speaker 05 We do.
1:00:41 Speaker 06 Okay.
1:00:41 Speaker 05 We have the same management. You ready?
1:00:43 Speaker 06 Yep.
1:00:44 Speaker 05 Denver, Colorado is in the Pacific Standard Time Zone.
1:00:47 Speaker 06 False.
1:00:47 Speaker 05 False, Mountain Time. Alien vs Predator was nominated for Best Makeup at the Oscars.
1:00:51 Speaker 06 True.
1:00:52 Speaker 05 False.
1:00:52 Speaker 06 Fuck!
1:00:53 Speaker 05 The human heart has-
1:00:53 Speaker 06 Fuck!
1:00:57 Speaker 05 The human heart has four chambers.
1:00:59 Speaker 06 True!
1:00:59 Speaker 05 True, butterflies taste with their wings.
1:01:02 Speaker 06 What did you say?
1:01:03 Speaker 05 Butterflies taste with their wings. False, it's their feet. Spider-Man- I know. Spider-Man turn off the-
1:01:10 Speaker 05 Spider-Man turned off the dark, ran for less than a year on Broadway.
1:01:15 Speaker 06 True.
1:01:16 Speaker 05 False, three years.
1:01:16 Speaker 06 Fuck you! Reeve Carney, Julie Taymor, of course it's more than a year, stupid idiot, fuck me.
1:01:23 Speaker 05 Helium is the lightest chemical element.
1:01:25 Speaker 06 What?
1:01:25 Speaker 05 Helium is the lightest chemical element.
1:01:28 Speaker 06 False.
1:01:29 Speaker 05 False, it's hydrogen.
1:01:30 Speaker 06 Yes!
1:01:30 Speaker 05 The Statue of Liberty holds her torch in her right hand.
1:01:33 Speaker 06 Oh god. Right hand, I'm gonna say false.
1:01:37 Speaker 05 True.
1:01:38 Speaker 06 Fuck you! Are you kidding me? Oh, it's the book! It's the book! I hate this fucking thing, go ahead.
1:01:48 Speaker 06 Go ahead.
1:01:49 Speaker 05 All, all, even numbers are divisible by two.
1:01:51 Speaker 06 Yes, true.
1:01:53 Speaker 05 All planets in our solar system have at least one moon.
1:01:57 Speaker 06 False. True?
1:02:01 Speaker 06 False.
1:02:02 Speaker 05 What's your answer?
1:02:04 Speaker 06 All planets, okay, is Pluto a planet? Are we counting Pluto as a planet?
1:02:07 Speaker 05 All planets in our solar system?
1:02:08 Speaker 06 I'm gonna say true, fuck it, true.
1:02:09 Speaker 05 It's false.
1:02:10 Speaker 06 Fuck you! No!
1:02:14 Speaker 05 Connecticut's motto is "he who transplanted all still sustains."
1:02:17 Speaker 06 Fuck you, no, false.
1:02:18 Speaker 05 True.
1:02:19 Speaker 06 No! I'm from Connecticut, "he who transplanted still sus- what? You just made it up!
1:02:27 Speaker 05 Pineapples grow on trees.
1:02:29 Speaker 06 Fucking true.
1:02:30 Speaker 05 False.
1:02:31 Speaker 06 Where do they grow, in the ground?
1:02:36 Speaker 06 I need more time!
1:02:37 Speaker 05 This is one of the worst!
1:02:40 Speaker 05 Penguins have knees.
1:02:41 Speaker 06 Penguins have knees, false.
1:02:43 Speaker 05 True.
1:02:47 Speaker 05 Peter Griffin's mother's name is Thelma.
1:02:49 Speaker 06 True.
1:02:49 Speaker 05 True.
1:02:50 Speaker 06 Okay, fine.
1:02:51 Speaker 05 The Nile River flows southward.
1:02:53 Speaker 06 True.
1:02:54 Speaker 05 False, northward.
1:02:55 Speaker 06 Fucking ass!
1:02:56 Speaker 05 The founder of Jolly Bee is still alive.
1:02:59 Speaker 06 True.
1:02:59 Speaker 05 True.
1:03:00 Speaker 06 Let's go.
1:03:00 Speaker 05 How'd he do?
1:03:01 Speaker 06 Seven. Bullshit!
1:03:05 Speaker 06 What you did on that one was fucked up.
1:03:06 Speaker 05 You asking if I have your wiring information before that performance is so true legend.
1:03:15 Speaker 06 Oh my god, that was terrible.
1:03:17 Speaker 05 I'm so sorry.
1:03:18 Speaker 06 It's fine.
1:03:19 Speaker 05 I'm so sorry about that. How you feel?
1:03:22 Speaker 06 Honestly, I need, I feel good. I feel like maybe I might, I might need a, like a colonoscopy just to relax.
1:03:27 Speaker 05 Yeah, just to chill out.
1:03:29 Speaker 06 Yeah.
1:03:29 Speaker 05 Just to get a nap.
1:03:30 Speaker 06 Just to reset.
1:03:30 Speaker 05 Yeah. Let me get the drugs that killed Michael Jackson so I can chill out this afternoon. Well, do you want to tell people where they can find you, what they should be looking out for, how they can support you?
1:03:39 Speaker 06 Um, you can find me, I'm at Cruz Kane on Instagram. My special just came out on Dropout. It's called Sorry For Your Loss. It's fucking, it's so fucking good. It's so good. You should watch it.
1:03:50 Speaker 05 You should watch it.
1:03:50 Speaker 06 You should watch it. And um, yeah, just come by my, come by my house and say hi.
1:03:54 Speaker 05 Yeah, that's beautiful.
1:03:56 Speaker 06 Yeah.
1:03:56 Speaker 05 Where your two children live.
1:03:57 Speaker 06 Yeah, come by, absolutely. Just come by, knock on the door, come on in.
1:04:00 Speaker 05 Yeah, hell yeah.
1:04:00 Speaker 06 Give me, give me a little kiss.
1:04:01 Speaker 05 Yeah.
1:04:02 Speaker 06 Just as friends, a friend kiss.
1:04:03 Speaker 05 That's beautiful.
1:04:04 Speaker 06 A handshake and a kiss.
1:04:05 Speaker 05 This was a gorgeous episode.
1:04:06 Speaker 06 Thank you.
1:04:06 Speaker 05 Thank you for doing it.
1:04:07 Speaker 06 You're gorgeous. Do you, do you want to plug anything?
1:04:08 Speaker 05 Uh, yeah, you guys can find me at Caleb Says Things on everything. Uh, my railway posts, you can, check out my HBO special that came out last year. It's phenomenal. If it doesn't get nominated for an Emmy, I'll be shocked. Um.
1:04:19 Speaker 06 Oh yeah, no, I want to be nominated, which, um, can I be nominated for that too?
1:04:22 Speaker 05 Can you say that?
1:04:23 Speaker 06 Yeah, nominate, you should nominate, nominate Sorry For Your Loss for an Emmy. And I'll, if I get nominated.
1:04:29 Speaker 05 Yeah.
1:04:29 Speaker 06 I'll say, I'm not doing it without Caleb.
1:04:31 Speaker 05 Yeah, I will too.
1:04:31 Speaker 06 I'm not doing it.
1:04:32 Speaker 05 I'll do the same thing.
1:04:32 Speaker 06 I'm not coming.
1:04:33 Speaker 05 Uh, my, yeah, me too.
1:04:34 Speaker 06 Okay, great. Cool. Deal.
1:04:36 Speaker 00 Whenever fall comes back around, it always feels like a fresh start. This year, I've been layering in some styles from the new Lululemon fall drop because the weather is shifting and I find I have to be ready for the entire day and not just one part of it. Lululemon's fall line has some really versatile transitional pieces, so I can just wake up, throw on a matching set, add a jacket or a fleece, and head out, knowing that I'll feel comfortable enough to go wherever the day takes me. Check out the new fall arrivals in store and online now at lululemon.com.
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1:05:36 Speaker 02 Ugh, I hate Mondays.
1:05:38 Speaker 03 King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Swirl Bite?
1:05:39 Speaker 02 Uh, Taylor Hansen? Sure, I'll try one. Mmm.
1:05:45 Speaker 04 Hey, let's get back to work, please.
1:05:46 Speaker 02 But Taylor Hansen's making my day way better with these new soft and swirly King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Bites.
1:05:51 Speaker 04 Taylor Hansen? Nice.
1:05:53 Speaker 03 Try one.
1:05:54 Speaker 04 Mmm.
1:05:58 Speaker 07 King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Bites. There's nothing like it.
Previous Blair Socci is Being Sincere Next Sureni Weerasekera is Dancing Page updated October 30, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated