Chris Fleming Returns Again

Welcome! This week’s guest is the hilarious Chris Fleming! Chris and Caleb talk hot tubs, boba tea, European vehicle design, a certain French teacher, clowns, and so much more! Chris has a brand new special out February on HBO Max called Chris Fleming Live at The Palace! Check it out! Join our Substack for ad free full episodes, early access to merch, our community chat, and more! https://calebsaysthings.substack.com/ Follow Chris! @chrisflemingfleming Follow the show! @sooootruepod Follow Caleb! @calebsaysthings Produced by Chance Nichols @chanceisloud Head to https://Fabletics.com/sotrue - take a quick style quiz, and be sure to select sotrue when prompted to unlock your 80% off. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at https://RocketMoney.com/SOTRUE Try Trü Frü! Blue bags with fruit found in the freezer aisle! So True with Caleb Hearon is edited and engineered by Nicole Lyons. Our social media manager is Virginia Muller. All episodes are filmed in The So Trudio at Legitimate Business World Headquarters in Brooklyn, New York. A Wave series. wavesportsandentertainment.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Ugh, I hate Mondays.

• 0:01Speaker 01

  King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Swirl Bite?

• 0:03Speaker 00

  Uh, Taylor Hansen? Sure, I'll try one. Mmm.

• 0:09Speaker 01

  Hey, let's get back to work, please.

• 0:10Speaker 00

  But Taylor Hansen's making my day way better with these new soft and swirly King's Hawaiian cinnamon bites.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  Taylor Hansen? Nice. Try one. Mmm.

• 0:22Speaker 02

  King's Hawaiian cinnamon bites. There's nothing like it.

• 0:30Speaker 03

  Kayak searches and compares hundreds of travel sites. But unless I repeat the word kayak, Kayak thinks you won't remember that. So Kayak asked me to say kayak as many times as possible. Kayak.

• 0:43Speaker 04

  Kayak. Kayak. Kayak, kayak.

• 0:47Speaker 03

  Kayak. Kai. Ooh. Ak. Kai, Kai, Kai, Kai, kayak. Kayak, kayak, kayak. Search, compare, and save on your trip. Kayak. Got that right.

• 1:01Speaker 02

  Wave.

• 1:04Speaker 05

  I gained, I think, 11 pounds when I visited Italy when I was younger on bolognese.

• 1:08Speaker 06

  You rendered helpless in front of a bolognese.

• 1:10Speaker 05

  Quattro famagi, pizzas.

• 1:11Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:12Speaker 05

  What'd you say?

• 1:12Speaker 06

  You speak another language?

• 1:14Speaker 05

  Eh, un pochetto. Un, un petit peu.

• 1:17Speaker 06

  We'll go with no.

• 1:23Speaker 06

  Chris, what the hell's going on, brother?

• 1:24Speaker 05

  Check one, check one.

• 1:25Speaker 06

  Check one, check one, check one, check one.

• 1:26Speaker 05

  Check one, check one.

• 1:27Speaker 06

  How you doing?

• 1:28Speaker 05

  Oh, I'm well. How are you? Cold today.

• 1:30Speaker 06

  You're cold?

• 1:30Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:31Speaker 06

  Oh, because it's cold in New York.

• 1:32Speaker 05

  Well, yeah, I'm fragile.

• 1:33Speaker 06

  I thought you meant in here. You are so small.

• 1:35Speaker 05

  No, no, in here. And again, this is, I've been complimented. Caleb was angry that I didn't compliment the studio when I first came in. I went to the bathroom, I heard him passively aggressively saying, "And the studio's really coming together."

• 1:48Speaker 06

  I was complimenting Nicole because they'd been working so hard on it while I'd been out of town.

• 1:51Speaker 05

  No, and it is gorgeous.

• 1:52Speaker 06

  And then Chris turns around and goes, "I'm so sorry I haven't said something. It looks amazing in here."

• 1:56Speaker 05

  Well, because you used to record where they would do Trap New to Return.

• 1:59Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 2:00Speaker 05

  You used to record in a Greyhound bus station bathroom, and now you're doing IMAX cam. I saw a clip of you. You look like Mel Robb. I thought it was the Mel Robbins podcast.

• 2:09Speaker 06

  Yeah, let them. Actually, she stole that from me. Let them. I'm the first one who said that.

• 2:15Speaker 05

  Yeah. Do you think her family would recognize her if she took her glasses off?

• 2:19Speaker 06

  How does she get famous? Do you know?

• 2:20Speaker 05

  I, I have been tried, you know, those podcast scams where someone emails you and is like, you want to go on this podcast?

• 2:27Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 2:27Speaker 05

  That I'm always getting invited to go on the Mel Robbins podcast. That's how I found out about Mel Robbins.

• 2:31Speaker 06

  That could be real, Chris.

• 2:33Speaker 05

  No, it's like, it's clearly, it's like 1269 ampersands at

• 2:39Speaker 06

  That could be her producer. That could be her producer. They want you.

• 2:43Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's all I know about Mel Robbins. But no, this is such a gorgeous, you have done, you have come such a long way.

• 2:49Speaker 06

  I've done simply nothing. Katie, Katie and Quinn and Nicole and Chance and Michelle are doing so much on it. Why don't you have a podcast, by the way?

• 2:56Speaker 05

  Because I think that something awaits for me in the, in the divine for resisting.

• 3:04Speaker 06

  You think you're gonna be rewarded in the afterlife for not falling for this?

• 3:06Speaker 05

  Just key lime pies, non, nonstop. One of those egg, if I had, if I had a podcast, it would be, you know, that place, By Chloe, with those chain egg chairs?

• 3:18Speaker 06

  Of course I don't. What?

• 3:20Speaker 05

  Yeah, there's like these.

• 3:21Speaker 06

  There's a place called By Chloe that has chain egg chairs?

• 3:24Speaker 05

  It's some preposition and yeah, Chloe. And there's these egg chairs by these, held up by these brutal, like Roadhouse chains.

• 3:31Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 3:32Speaker 05

  And it's just all these like 39 year olds like swinging, smashing in them.

• 3:36Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 3:36Speaker 05

  My podcast, you got the boot clay chairs. I would have the egg, the four Chloe chairs.

• 3:41Speaker 06

  People would watch this, Chris.

• 3:42Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 3:43Speaker 06

  My favorite thing that you ever post is stills of you doing standup. You're somehow, you're like, you're 10 feet in the air and you're like a blur on the screen.

• 3:53Speaker 05

  Yes, it's always blurry.

• 3:54Speaker 06

  You can't stop jumping.

• 3:55Speaker 05

  There's a lot of me kind of collapsed onto the ground.

• 3:58Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 3:59Speaker 05

  Face down on the ground. That's when I'm photographed the most.

• 4:02Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 4:02Speaker 05

  Is when I'm just, just kind of like, fully like.

• 4:07Speaker 06

  Yeah. Yeah. Assuming the position.

• 4:10Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 4:10Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 4:11Speaker 05

  What? You gotta keep moving.

• 4:12Speaker 06

  Do you feel like you're getting so much praise lately? I feel like you're getting really, like people are really, every time I talk to someone, they're like, Chris Fleming is my favorite comedian.

• 4:21Speaker 05

  They keep that from me.

• 4:22Speaker 06

  Do they?

• 4:22Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 4:23Speaker 06

  I'm not. I tell you all the time that you're my favorite comedian.

• 4:25Speaker 05

  You do.

• 4:25Speaker 06

  I do. I can't stop.

• 4:26Speaker 05

  I compliment you all the time.

• 4:28Speaker 06

  You don't. You refuse. You came in here today and you said, you're looking a little fat and ugly, which was kind of mean, but I was like, it's funny because it's Chris.

• 4:36Speaker 05

  Well, I'm trying out roast battle style.

• 4:38Speaker 06

  We should start a Kill Tony Show, me and you.

• 4:40Speaker 05

  Yeah. Oh, but it's like bumpin' mics where we do shoe fives.

• 4:44Speaker 06

  Yeah, let's do it.

• 4:45Speaker 05

  And you are, you're sporting the Uggs, I see.

• 4:47Speaker 06

  Well, I've become an Ugg guy. You know this.

• 4:49Speaker 05

  Me too.

• 4:49Speaker 06

  Have you?

• 4:50Speaker 05

  The jacket I was wearing, that looks like, it's like the margarine colored jacket.

• 4:54Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 4:54Speaker 05

  You didn't notice?

• 4:55Speaker 06

  No, I noticed it was a yellow jacket, canary yellow.

• 4:57Speaker 05

  It's, yes.

• 4:58Speaker 06

  You're wearing a canary yellow jacket.

• 4:59Speaker 05

  Yes, it was for my sister. I gave it to her and she said, no, and.

• 5:04Speaker 06

  She said, I'm all good, man.

• 5:06Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 5:06Speaker 06

  Yeah, thank you, though.

• 5:07Speaker 05

  Thanks.

• 5:08Speaker 06

  That's Ugg?

• 5:09Speaker 05

  That's Ugg.

• 5:10Speaker 06

  I didn't fully, I did not know they made jackets. I don't know if anyone else knew that they made jackets.

• 5:14Speaker 05

  They make, they make everything, granny panties. When I'm, when I'm behind closed doors, I'm in tip to tail Ugg.

• 5:20Speaker 06

  Really?

• 5:21Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 5:21Speaker 06

  I believe it. You're very chic.

• 5:24Speaker 05

  Well, I like the soft.

• 5:25Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 5:26Speaker 05

  And you got, I mean, this is, you got the couch over there like this.

• 5:30Speaker 06

  This is all, um.

• 5:32Speaker 05

  Ouklay.

• 5:33Speaker 06

  It is, and Room and Board sent all this to us.

• 5:36Speaker 05

  Keskasi.

• 5:36Speaker 06

  They sent it to us, Room and Board, the furniture company. Do you know them?

• 5:40Speaker 05

  No, no.

• 5:40Speaker 06

  Well, they're fabulous. They sent me all this furniture.

• 5:42Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 5:43Speaker 06

  We love them. Shout out to them.

• 5:45Speaker 05

  Where are our cameras?

• 5:46Speaker 06

  Yeah, well, that's me and these are both you. They're just on different lengths. One's really tight on just your mouth.

• 5:52Speaker 05

  Yep.

• 5:53Speaker 06

  And then the other one's kind of a wide on you.

• 5:54Speaker 05

  Yeah. Oh, and I brought a guy who's up.

• 5:57Speaker 06

  Your guy's up there. He has a rifle, which is scary, but makes sense.

• 6:01Speaker 05

  He's got a harpoon gun.

• 6:02Speaker 06

  Oh, my God, Chris, there's something I want to tell you.

• 6:04Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 6:04Speaker 06

  I just got back. I was.

• 6:06Speaker 05

  From Spain.

• 6:06Speaker 06

  I was in, well.

• 6:07Speaker 05

  You're like Dua Lipa.

• 6:08Speaker 06

  I was all over there. I was all over there. I was in Dublin, Amsterdam, Spain.

• 6:13Speaker 05

  Caleb will text you. He'll be like, hey, are you gonna be in Norway tomorrow?

• 6:20Speaker 05

  And then say, I never see you. I never get to see you.

• 6:23Speaker 06

  Well, come around where I'm at.

• 6:24Speaker 05

  Are you gonna be in the Fiji Basin yesterday?

• 6:28Speaker 05

  No, Caleb, I have at least three dogs.

• 6:31Speaker 06

  You have so many dogs.

• 6:32Speaker 05

  Sorry, but no, we'll get into that.

• 6:33Speaker 06

  We'll get into your dogs.

• 6:34Speaker 05

  After we stop.

• 6:35Speaker 06

  What was I gonna tell you? Okay, I'm not gonna say the city where this happened because I don't wanna, like, I don't wanna embarrass this person.

• 6:40Speaker 05

  Barcelona?

• 6:41Speaker 06

  No, not, well, maybe. I, okay, here's what happened.

• 6:44Speaker 05

  Tejagulpa?

• 6:46Speaker 06

  One more time?

• 6:47Speaker 05

  I learned it from Where in the World is Carmen? Tejagulpa?

• 6:50Speaker 06

  Where's that? Chris, what if you're getting canceled right now as we speak? What if this moment is what brings you down right now?

• 6:57Speaker 05

  Tejocagolpa is every consonant imaginable. It's TG. I forget. It's somewhere in, it's somewhere in Central America.

• 7:05Speaker 06

  It's a place. It's a place.

• 7:06Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah. It's a capital.

• 7:07Speaker 06

  I don't know things.

• 7:08Speaker 05

  No, no. You do.

• 7:09Speaker 06

  I don't. Here's what I'm gonna tell you. I went on a date in Barcelona. And the guy goes, the guy goes, oh, I'm learning Catalan. And I go, oh, yeah, what is that?

• 7:19Speaker 05

  Catalan?

• 7:20Speaker 06

  Catalan. Do you know what Catalan is?

• 7:22Speaker 05

  Sounds like a board game.

• 7:23Speaker 06

  Do you know what it is? Catalan? I didn't either. I was like, I was like, what is that? He was like, it's the language of this region. And I was like, oh.

• 7:31Speaker 05

  Spain?

• 7:31Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah. I was like, I didn't know that. I thought they spoke Spanish. He was like, they do, but they also speak Catalan. And I'm, I fully know that I'm a dumb guy. I'm a dumb American guy.

• 7:38Speaker 05

  No, no, you're not. No, you're very civically engaged.

• 7:41Speaker 06

  Not about stuff over there.

• 7:42Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 7:42Speaker 06

  I know stuff here. You start asking me questions about other places.

• 7:45Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 7:45Speaker 06

  People be like, oh, you know, the conflict. Don't be so sure.

• 7:48Speaker 05

  How do you say this? Catalan?

• 7:49Speaker 06

  Catalan. It's a language.

• 7:51Speaker 05

  And it's not Spanish.

• 7:52Speaker 06

  And I said out loud in this restaurant that I don't know what it is. And he, he literally goes, don't, people will hear a very sensitive. People hear a very sensitive about it. He speaks like six languages. I go, sorry, I'm American. Big smile. I'm American, everybody. I love being American. There's something about us.

• 8:06Speaker 05

  Totally.

• 8:06Speaker 06

  We're loud, we're fat, we're big. I like us. We, I go over there and I'm like, I'm American.

• 8:11Speaker 05

  We're poorly read.

• 8:12Speaker 06

  We're poorly, I haven't read anything. I don't know anything. I don't, I'm smart in America and that's what's beautiful to me.

• 8:16Speaker 05

  I keep just opening the Al Pacino autobiography and closing it.

• 8:21Speaker 06

  Yeah, I think that's one that you need to read.

• 8:24Speaker 05

  But it's the only one I'm drawn to.

• 8:26Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 8:28Speaker 05

  When, so when he was, was he, when you told him you didn't know Catalan?

• 8:32Speaker 06

  I said, I didn't even know what it was.

• 8:33Speaker 05

  Is the word cattle in it?

• 8:35Speaker 06

  C A T A L A N. Catalan.

• 8:37Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 8:38Speaker 06

  The language of a region in Spain.

• 8:39Speaker 05

  We're gonna get, we are going to get eviscerated.

• 8:41Speaker 06

  Oh, people are gonna be very mad.

• 8:42Speaker 05

  Because that's what they're gonna do. They're gonna Google it. And they're, and they're gonna share facts that they just found out.

• 8:46Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 8:47Speaker 05

  How dare.

• 8:48Speaker 06

  How dare you not know Catalan?

• 8:49Speaker 05

  How fucking dare.

• 8:50Speaker 06

  Well, it probably died off, like, I'm sure there's some, like, colonization factor. I had a really fun tour guide in Amsterdam.

• 8:57Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 8:58Speaker 06

  Who mostly I have stories to tell you about being in Europe. That's gonna be my contribution.

• 9:01Speaker 05

  Yep.

• 9:02Speaker 06

  And then I'll ask about your dogs and everything.

• 9:05Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 9:05Speaker 06

  I'm gonna ask, I'm gonna ask all the stuff about you.

• 9:07Speaker 05

  And my humidifier.

• 9:08Speaker 06

  Your humidifier, your jackets. I had a really fun tour guide who, um, he, he, his, his, he had the same cadence for everything. And he was telling us, he was like, so this guy wanted to be king and he tell the Amsterdam government, if you make me the king, I will do your bidding. And so they make him the king and guess what he don't do? The bidding.

• 9:30Speaker 06

  So the Amsterdam government kill his family in front of him and then kill him. And so the consequence, he is no longer the king and still to this day, they are under Dutch rule. And so the moral of the story, if you tell your boss you will do something, you had better do it. Moving on, like, it was just so like.

• 9:46Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 9:47Speaker 06

  Da da, da da, da da. I was obsessed with him.

• 9:49Speaker 05

  It was like a mad TV audition.

• 9:50Speaker 06

  Yes, and he continued to say the consequence about everything. He'd be like, and so this painter was never famous when he lived, but when he die, the consequence? He become very famous in death. He just would say the consequence all the time. And I was like, I'm kind of addicted to you. I love you.

• 10:06Speaker 05

  It's very hypnotic, even what you're saying.

• 10:08Speaker 06

  And so the consequence? Oh, I asked Ali, I've been walking around saying it.

• 10:12Speaker 05

  Isn't that a beloved character? That, that cadence? I'm trying to place what that is.

• 10:15Speaker 06

  Da da, da da, da da.

• 10:18Speaker 05

  Are people laughing or stifling?

• 10:20Speaker 06

  People are not laughing. People are very serious. There was an older man in my group from, uh, Pennsylvania or New Jersey.

• 10:26Speaker 05

  Yep.

• 10:27Speaker 06

  Around there.

• 10:27Speaker 05

  Yep.

• 10:27Speaker 06

  That was very, he was shooting his hand up every time a question came up.

• 10:30Speaker 05

  Oh, geez.

• 10:30Speaker 06

  Like our guy would be like.

• 10:31Speaker 05

  To answer it.

• 10:32Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah. Guy would be like, who thinks they know the purpose of the painting? And the guy would be like, oh, love. Like, he was so locked in on answering the questions and I was grateful because I didn't want to do it.

• 10:41Speaker 05

  This, I had a Dutch, uh, exchange student named Pauline, who wanted to teach me all about sex in, in high school. We were in French class and she says, Chris, you need to know about sex.

• 10:54Speaker 06

  Hold on, hold on.

• 10:55Speaker 05

  I think she was like 31.

• 10:57Speaker 06

  Hold on.

• 10:58Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 10:58Speaker 06

  She was an exchange student to your school.

• 11:01Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 11:01Speaker 06

  Not to your home.

• 11:02Speaker 05

  No.

• 11:02Speaker 06

  And she wanted to teach you about sex.

• 11:04Speaker 05

  Mm-hmm. When you were doing that accent, I was like, why does it have to... I thought it was a beloved character, but just in my life, it was, you were doing Pauline.

• 11:10Speaker 06

  Pauline.

• 11:10Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 11:11Speaker 06

  And did you?

• 11:11Speaker 05

  Pauline was whispering explicit sex tricks. She was like Cosmo, but this foreign exchange student.

• 11:17Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 11:18Speaker 05

  Named Pauline. Blonder than you could ever ima... Like, look like, you know, Ted Danson in that new... You know how poorly lit that new show is on Netflix?

• 11:27Speaker 06

  No way.

• 11:28Speaker 05

  You can like see his gallbladder. It's, it's like, he's fully trans... You know how Netflix is shot?

• 11:33Speaker 06

  I don't want to talk bad about Netflix. It's, it's not much longer that we're gonna have anywhere else to go. Please don't, please don't talk about Netflix right now.

• 11:40Speaker 05

  I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

• 11:40Speaker 06

  We need to be very careful, Chris.

• 11:42Speaker 05

  I'm sorry, you're right, you're right.

• 11:42Speaker 06

  They're gonna own this podcast like next week.

• 11:44Speaker 05

  No, no, Pluto's gonna own this podcast.

• 11:46Speaker 06

  Moby? I'm actually interested in Moby. Moby, hit me up.

• 11:49Speaker 05

  There's one where you can watch the Oscars and it's free, but if the second the Oscars end, it's an eighty dollars a day, uh, subscription. Do you know what I'm talking about? And I think it might be Fobo?

• 11:58Speaker 06

  Yeah, Fubo.

• 11:59Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 12:00Speaker 06

  Fubo. Paramount Plus just emailed me. They're raising prices. They said, "We're raising your subscription." I had it for sports or something.

• 12:06Speaker 05

  Yeah, for Yellowstone.

• 12:08Speaker 06

  Wait, did you sleep with the Pauline?

• 12:09Speaker 05

  No, no, no, no, no. She was trying, she was, she was definitely, she was selling it in a, in a educational way.

• 12:16Speaker 06

  Chris, she wanted to fuck you.

• 12:18Speaker 05

  She, uh, she was so playful about it. Um, I don't know even where she was staying. This was also, this was also a class where I, the, I would, um, I would just say, you could, in Friends, you can say "bon weekend" to have a good weekend, and I would just write that as the answer to every, on the tests.

• 12:34Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 12:35Speaker 05

  And, and Madame McHale loved that, and so I would get a hundred percents on every exam.

• 12:41Speaker 06

  That's not good. That's not a good education.

• 12:43Speaker 05

  No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

• 12:44Speaker 06

  You shouldn't have been passing that class.

• 12:45Speaker 05

  She lived four hours from the school, and so if it ever snowed, she'd sleep in the nurse's office. If there was ever a chance of flurries, Madame McHale, you, you would go in, you'd go in, and in the morning, and she's just a drool coming down. Never set foot in the movie theater. I'm not kidding. She'd never been to a movie.

• 13:08Speaker 05

  Mrs. McHale, fucking rock. So imagine Mrs. McHale, I'm trying to get Mrs. McHale to gossip, so we don't have to do French. I'm like, hey, Mrs. McHale, what do you think about the principal? And Pauline's like, and then a handjob. No, try, no, if you, an outdoor handjob.

• 13:23Speaker 06

  Wait, why didn't you sleep with her? You weren't attracted to Pauline?

• 13:26Speaker 05

  Uh, this was my junior year. I, I didn't even, it, it took me a long time to, to understand when, that somebody was flirting with me.

• 13:36Speaker 06

  I'm just processing how badly this girl wanted to sleep with you and kind of feeling for, that every day she's showing up thinking of new sex facts to tell you, hoping that you'll use one of them.

• 13:45Speaker 05

  No, I think that she was sensing such a hopelessness to me that she was trying, it was like a tutoring thing.

• 13:51Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 13:52Speaker 05

  And which I'm sure is like, I could see that being a rom-com that Justin Long is in.

• 13:57Speaker 06

  Yeah, that I would watch, by the way.

• 14:00Speaker 05

  Oh, totally. With like Bernadette Peters, like someone much older, yeah.

• 14:05Speaker 06

  When you say you don't know where she was staying.

• 14:07Speaker 05

  Yeah, I think, well, we never really, take it from the, take it from the top.

• 14:12Speaker 06

  Do me a favor, kick your bobo over, kick your bobo over on the rug, please.

• 14:17Speaker 05

  Yeah, I'm losing so much money in Airbnb security deposits from just simple syrup.

• 14:26Speaker 05

  You wouldn't believe how sticky my habitats are. Because.

• 14:31Speaker 06

  What do you mean you don't know where she stayed? She didn't have a host family?

• 14:35Speaker 05

  I don't know. And then we had two Germans named Marlene.

• 14:38Speaker 06

  There's a table if you want it.

• 14:39Speaker 05

  No, that's too, that's too far.

• 14:42Speaker 05

  If I don't, if I don't have it in my sight.

• 14:44Speaker 06

  Right.

• 14:44Speaker 05

  Ooh.

• 14:46Speaker 06

  Yeah. Katie Birmingham, mind you.

• 14:49Speaker 05

  Who's Katie Birmingham?

• 14:49Speaker 06

  Katie designed this. She designed my HBO special. She did the set design for my HBO special and she did this. She's working on this whole set, her and Quinn.

• 14:56Speaker 05

  She tiled this?

• 14:57Speaker 06

  She did. She did.

• 14:59Speaker 05

  It's so nice.

• 15:00Speaker 06

  You don't know if she had a host family?

• 15:02Speaker 05

  I had a one eyed tile man. I'm not even kidding.

• 15:04Speaker 06

  Chris, I'm begging you.

• 15:06Speaker 05

  So everything, everything curved.

• 15:10Speaker 05

  Which it sounds like a street joke. It's not.

• 15:13Speaker 06

  What do you mean?

• 15:14Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 15:14Speaker 06

  You hired a one eyed tile guy?

• 15:16Speaker 05

  Polly.

• 15:17Speaker 06

  Stop. At which place?

• 15:19Speaker 05

  Tight ponytail.

• 15:20Speaker 06

  This is your place in the mountains?

• 15:21Speaker 05

  No, this was, this was two, three places ago. The place in the mountains, have I told you about the woodpeckers coming in?

• 15:26Speaker 06

  No, but last time we, it's always fucking something with this house. The last time we talked, you told me the chandelier exploded.

• 15:31Speaker 05

  Yeah, but I was warned by a ghost by that. There's a door that swings open. Anyway, we'll get, we'll get back to that.

• 15:37Speaker 06

  No. Get back to what?

• 15:38Speaker 05

  Woodpeckers are getting in.

• 15:41Speaker 06

  Where? How?

• 15:42Speaker 05

  Woodpeckers are just, they, they come every morning as soon as I leave. Smash their heads into the house.

• 15:48Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 15:49Speaker 05

  And they're getting closer and closer to the house. And my neighbor is this guy who I call Barb because I can't remember his name. But he's, he's got an earring. He's like a libertarian, like it's like, it's like an earring belly button, but homophobic.

• 16:01Speaker 06

  I knew all that.

• 16:01Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 16:01Speaker 06

  Yeah. I guessed all that.

• 16:03Speaker 05

  He's like, he keeps giving me discs to put up to prevent, he's like, those woodpeckers are gonna, they're gonna be in your house in like, in a matter of weeks if you don't stop this. And I'm like, if they get in, it's theirs.

• 16:17Speaker 06

  Do you feel bad that you didn't put up the discs?

• 16:20Speaker 05

  No.

• 16:20Speaker 06

  I had a neighbor tell me once at my house in Kansas City, he said, he didn't talk much to anybody in the neighborhood. He would talk to me sometimes.

• 16:27Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 16:28Speaker 06

  And I took him brownies when I moved in.

• 16:29Speaker 05

  You what?

• 16:30Speaker 06

  I took him brownies when I moved in. So we developed a little bit of a friendship.

• 16:33Speaker 05

  I thought you were saying you stole brownies from him.

• 16:34Speaker 06

  No, never.

• 16:35Speaker 05

  I took him brownies.

• 16:36Speaker 06

  No, I took him brownies. I took him, I took him brownies and I ate them. And I ate them brownies. It's like an old, it's like an old folklore tale.

• 16:44Speaker 05

  Or it's like, yeah, yeah. It's kind of like a mom's.

• 16:46Speaker 06

  But he told me, he said, put, you need to, he said, you need to put a raccoon protection around that part of your house right there because they're digging over there. They're trying to get in there.

• 16:54Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 16:54Speaker 06

  And I didn't and they got in.

• 16:57Speaker 05

  They got in.

• 16:57Speaker 06

  They got in.

• 16:58Speaker 05

  Into the house.

• 16:59Speaker 06

  They got into the space under the house and it caused a lot of problems. They were making crazy noises under there.

• 17:03Speaker 05

  With their little burlesque cans?

• 17:04Speaker 06

  Yes. They got in and they, I called the pest guy and I was like, you know, if I don't do something about it, he was like, it's going to cost this much money. I was like, if I don't, he goes, well, one of them is going to die in there and that's going to be a way bigger problem.

• 17:14Speaker 05

  That's the problem.

• 17:14Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 17:15Speaker 05

  That's the problem.

• 17:16Speaker 06

  So you can't let the woodpeckers get in there, Chris?

• 17:17Speaker 05

  Oh, no, no, no. I, what's done is done. They're, they're in.

• 17:21Speaker 06

  You're letting them in?

• 17:22Speaker 05

  They're, I'm, I'm telling you, they're like that close to getting all the way through.

• 17:25Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 17:26Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 17:26Speaker 06

  So just pecking the side of your house away?

• 17:28Speaker 05

  Yeah. Remember when Marc Maron's podcast was all about, the first 17 minutes was all about the skunk or the raccoons that got under his house? Do you remember that period? Oh, you were probably in middle school.

• 17:37Speaker 06

  I've never listened to Maron's podcasts. I'm sorry to him. I have never listened to Maron's podcasts. I think once on a road trip, I got really mad, actually. My college improv team and I road tripped from Missouri to New York to do a free improv show at UCB because we thought it would help us get somewhere.

• 17:51Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 17:52Speaker 06

  A mental illness on a level that you actually can't imagine unless you've been in it.

• 17:55Speaker 05

  Oh, I've been in it. I used to do bringer shows.

• 17:57Speaker 06

  And on like hour, we did straight. We drove straight and on, and we slept on a guy that I'd never met's floor.

• 18:03Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 18:03Speaker 06

  Who was a graduate of my fraternity in Bed-Stuy.

• 18:06Speaker 05

  You were in a fraternity.

• 18:07Speaker 06

  Go ahead and work on all that.

• 18:08Speaker 05

  No, no, there's all, I mean, call, I'm still in college improv team.

• 18:10Speaker 06

  On like hour 17 of the drive, the guys were insistent that we listen to Marc Maron podcast. They're like, we need to listen to Maron. I was like, for what? They're like, it's just something to do. I was like, music is something to do and so is being quiet. I did not, I was so pissed. I was pissed that we had to listen to a fucking podcast and they accused me of being a dictator, which I am.

• 18:28Speaker 05

  There is a pill that you can take to put you down for the first 17 and then you wake back up after he's done and then the guest is on.

• 18:34Speaker 06

  The Maron pill?

• 18:35Speaker 05

  Yeah. There's, I took a 17 hour drive from Chicago to Boston and I wanted to go to a Krispy Kreme with my friend Hartford that was, added two hours to the trip.

• 18:45Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 18:46Speaker 05

  And I, we got there and I had the Krispy Kremes and he was reading me the ingredients of the Krispy Kremes. It's like aluminum.

• 18:55Speaker 06

  Yeah, arsenic.

• 18:56Speaker 05

  Seagulls.

• 18:56Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 18:57Speaker 05

  Your loved ones.

• 18:58Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 19:00Speaker 05

  And I, I'm just, I'm not talking. I, he's listening. I pull over to a rest stop. I don't say anything. I, I get out and I just casually vomit. I just spew, you know, like spitting up.

• 19:11Speaker 06

  You made yourself vomit?

• 19:12Speaker 05

  No, no. The Krispy Kremes. I drove, after driving two hours out of the way, I had to pull over into a rest stop and just.

• 19:20Speaker 06

  Yeah, just let him out.

• 19:21Speaker 05

  Ha, and then get, while he's wearing the Krispy Kreme hat.

• 19:26Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 19:26Speaker 05

  And I get back in and keep driving. We also totaled that van because he backed, the guy tried to back me and he was backing me into a dumpster.

• 19:32Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 19:33Speaker 05

  And Harford didn't wanna, my friend didn't wanna override that guy's authority.

• 19:36Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 19:36Speaker 05

  And so I just, I hit a dumpster going maybe 15.

• 19:39Speaker 06

  There are, there are, at this exact moment in the conversation.

• 19:45Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 19:45Speaker 06

  There are no fewer than 15 threads I'm trying to keep track of.

• 19:48Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 19:49Speaker 06

  Because I want to know.

• 19:50Speaker 05

  Right, right.

• 19:50Speaker 06

  What is supposed to be happening.

• 19:51Speaker 05

  Yep.

• 19:51Speaker 06

  I think right now the one that's coming to mind is one eyed tile man.

• 19:54Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, yeah, Joey.

• 19:55Speaker 06

  Joey, okay, of course.

• 19:56Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 19:58Speaker 05

  I had a, I had a landlord who would, he was trying to evict, evict us.

• 20:04Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 20:04Speaker 05

  And he would be.

• 20:05Speaker 06

  They do that.

• 20:05Speaker 05

  He would be drunk at night and he'd, he'd call me and he'd be like, that's it, you're out. And then he'd pause and he'd be like, you ever see Steely Dan live?

• 20:17Speaker 06

  Oh wait, fucking rocks.

• 20:18Speaker 05

  And then he'd be like, can you send Joey your video about polyamory? Because he was Joey, the tile guy was polyamorous.

• 20:24Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 20:24Speaker 05

  In this, yeah.

• 20:26Speaker 06

  A one eyed tile guy.

• 20:27Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 20:27Speaker 06

  Named Joey who's polyamorous.

• 20:29Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 20:29Speaker 06

  Do we know where he is now?

• 20:30Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, he's still, he's still in LA.

• 20:32Speaker 06

  Oh nice, still poly?

• 20:33Speaker 05

  Driving around the coolest old truck.

• 20:35Speaker 06

  They always do.

• 20:36Speaker 05

  I don't know if he's still poly.

• 20:37Speaker 06

  Poly people, not one eyed people.

• 20:38Speaker 05

  Yes, yes.

• 20:40Speaker 06

  He, you don't know if he's still poly.

• 20:41Speaker 05

  No.

• 20:42Speaker 06

  But he still drives around the little truck.

• 20:43Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah. And it's like, it's like a McConaughey thing.

• 20:46Speaker 06

  That's a beautiful life.

• 20:47Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 20:47Speaker 06

  McConaughey trademarked, alright, alright, alright. Did you see that?

• 20:51Speaker 05

  When he went to.

• 20:52Speaker 06

  Alright, alright, alright. And they, they, did you read this?

• 20:53Speaker 05

  No.

• 20:54Speaker 06

  McConaughey trademarked, alright, alright, alright. And it specifically says like, whereas the all is lower pitched and the second right is higher pitched. They've trademarked the cadence.

• 21:04Speaker 05

  Jesus Christ.

• 21:05Speaker 06

  He says it's to protect against AI, so I kind of got on board with it.

• 21:08Speaker 05

  You know, I, I, I shamefully, I'm okay with, with McConaughey does, I think.

• 21:15Speaker 05

  The one, my one problem is he is like, um, he's using too much contrast in his photos of himself.

• 21:21Speaker 06

  Yeah. Well, you know, all those guys are like, they're taking their roles right now based on whether or not they think it'll affect their run for the presidency. Like him, Chris Pratt, they're all right now, they're all coordinating roles, what they do and don't take based on how will this look when I run for president?

• 21:37Speaker 05

  Jesus Christ.

• 21:39Speaker 06

  McConaughey and The Rock want to be president so bad.

• 21:42Speaker 05

  McConaughey, would you vote?

• 21:44Speaker 06

  For him?

• 21:44Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 21:45Speaker 06

  No.

• 21:45Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 21:46Speaker 06

  No.

• 21:46Speaker 05

  What do you think he, which, which party?

• 21:48Speaker 06

  I can tell you that none of them would be rocking with the platform I'm trying to do.

• 21:52Speaker 05

  No, no.

• 21:52Speaker 06

  I can tell you that none of them are gonna put out a platform that I go, alright.

• 21:55Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 21:56Speaker 06

  I'm not gonna see Chris Pratt's platform and be like, you know what?

• 21:59Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 22:00Speaker 06

  Catholicism does need to make a comeback.

• 22:02Speaker 05

  You really think Chris Pratt would run?

• 22:04Speaker 06

  I think they all want to.

• 22:05Speaker 05

  Isn't he like on an island in the Pacific Northwest right now?

• 22:08Speaker 06

  Is he?

• 22:08Speaker 05

  Yeah, I think he's like, I think he's full Christian, full just like living reclusively.

• 22:12Speaker 06

  He's totally full Christian. I, look, I love, I support all of them running. I think anything would genuinely be better than what we have going on.

• 22:18Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 22:18Speaker 06

  But I, I think, I just think it's funny that you get to a certain level of being like a that guy movie star and you go,

• 22:24Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 22:24Speaker 06

  I gotta be fucking president, I think.

• 22:26Speaker 05

  Oh, totally.

• 22:26Speaker 06

  Like it just, there's something just clicks in your head where you go, it's time to be president.

• 22:29Speaker 05

  Well, it's a Marquis de Sade situation.

• 22:30Speaker 06

  A who?

• 22:31Speaker 05

  Marquis, like when he had every pleasure available to him, he had to start doing fucked up stuff.

• 22:35Speaker 06

  Who is this?

• 22:36Speaker 05

  Like hunting.

• 22:37Speaker 06

  Marquis de Sade?

• 22:37Speaker 05

  Marquis de Sade, yeah, yeah. It's like, um, when you, when you have access to everything, you gotta start getting fucked up.

• 22:43Speaker 06

  Is this like a tale? What is, who is Marquis de Sade? I told you I was kind of a dumb guy.

• 22:47Speaker 05

  No, you're not.

• 22:48Speaker 06

  I'm like coming out as a dumb guy lately.

• 22:50Speaker 05

  How so?

• 22:51Speaker 06

  I'm a smart guy in certain realms, but I don't know what you're talking about right now. It's like the Catalan thing all over again.

• 22:56Speaker 05

  Marquis de Sade was like this incredibly wealthy guy.

• 23:00Speaker 06

  When?

• 23:01Speaker 05

  Probably fourteen hundreds.

• 23:03Speaker 06

  And he really lived?

• 23:03Speaker 05

  Cape.

• 23:04Speaker 06

  Paul Bunyan, Paul Bunyan thing or real guy?

• 23:06Speaker 05

  More Paul Bunyan than real guy.

• 23:08Speaker 06

  Do we think?

• 23:09Speaker 05

  What do you think?

• 23:10Speaker 06

  Nicole, can we Google Marquis de Sade, real guy, Bun, Paul Bunyan?

• 23:13Speaker 05

  He started, he, he became, uh, he was like the, one of the first perverts.

• 23:18Speaker 06

  He was a French writer.

• 23:19Speaker 05

  Um, oh, he was real.

• 23:20Speaker 06

  He was a real guy, nobleman, best known for his libertine novels and imprisonment for sex crimes.

• 23:29Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 23:30Speaker 06

  Yeah, okay.

• 23:31Speaker 05

  That's what I'm saying, like McConaughey, it's like, what, what stone is left unturned? The Oval Office.

• 23:37Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 23:37Speaker 05

  Once you have everything.

• 23:39Speaker 06

  What do you get for the man who has it all? The presidency?

• 23:41Speaker 05

  The presidency.

• 23:42Speaker 06

  Uh, yeah, of course he was doing sex crimes. I'm looking at a photograph of him and he almost had no choice.

• 23:46Speaker 05

  I don't know, I don't know if we call that a photograph.

• 23:48Speaker 06

  I'm looking at a photograph of this man and I don't know that he had a choice but to do sex crimes.

• 23:53Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 23:54Speaker 06

  Some people are just born for it, you know?

• 23:56Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 23:57Speaker 06

  That's obviously not true and I want to just say on the record that I'm kidding.

• 24:00Speaker 05

  He looks so rough, yeah.

• 24:01Speaker 06

  He does, but, oh, in the painting, no, he still looks pretty, yeah.

• 24:03Speaker 05

  He looks like Hans Zimmer in that one.

• 24:05Speaker 06

  Now, why'd they do a fat one of him?

• 24:08Speaker 06

  They always do a fat one. Why is he fat in that one? That's gotta be someone else.

• 24:12Speaker 05

  Yeah, I thought he was a little more fanciful, like.

• 24:15Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 24:16Speaker 05

  I imagine like a lot of cool outfits.

• 24:18Speaker 06

  Oh, God, a pillar of the French establishment. I mean, I've never, I don't know, I, I, I don't, why were we talking about him? Who's, oh, McConaughey's like him.

• 24:25Speaker 05

  McConaughey running.

• 24:26Speaker 06

  Yeah, everyone wants to be president, I don't know, it's very funny to me. Oh, what I was gonna tell you.

• 24:29Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 24:30Speaker 06

  I went to a one-person show.

• 24:32Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 24:32Speaker 06

  In one of these cities in Europe.

• 24:33Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 24:34Speaker 06

  Okay?

• 24:34Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 24:35Speaker 06

  I was pretty stoned, I got pretty stoned.

• 24:37Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 24:38Speaker 06

  Out of my mind.

• 24:39Speaker 05

  You were abusing marijuana.

• 24:40Speaker 06

  I was abusing marijuana.

• 24:41Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 24:41Speaker 06

  As I am wont to do.

• 24:42Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 24:42Speaker 06

  I went to this one-person show, it was, you're gonna think I'm exaggerating when I say this, Chris. You're gonna think, oh, Caleb's being silly, he's doing it for effect.

• 24:50Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 24:50Speaker 06

  It was one hour of screaming.

• 24:52Speaker 05

  Are you being silly? Are you doing this for effect?

• 24:54Speaker 06

  It, it was an hour of screaming. The only time that the screaming stopped.

• 24:58Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 24:58Speaker 06

  It, it is a black box theater, pretty full.

• 25:00Speaker 05

  Nice.

• 25:01Speaker 06

  One person on the stage screaming.

• 25:06Speaker 05

  Oh, you don't.

• 25:07Speaker 06

  Screaming.

• 25:07Speaker 05

  Not screaming words.

• 25:08Speaker 06

  No.

• 25:09Speaker 05

  We're not talking boncat gold tweet. Yeah.

• 25:13Speaker 06

  Screaming, okay?

• 25:15Speaker 05

  You stayed?

• 25:15Speaker 06

  Stopped, had to, couldn't leave. It was a hard way to leave, you'd have to walk through the scream. I, there was screaming, screaming.

• 25:21Speaker 05

  Walk through the scream.

• 25:22Speaker 06

  The only time that the person stopped screaming was to drink a glass of milk in front of us. Stopped screaming, came, walked into the room to start the show, sat down a glass of milk, stepped back, began screaming.

• 25:33Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 25:33Speaker 06

  Screamed and screamed and screamed. Gutterswoll screams, moans, body twisting, screaming, screaming.

• 25:38Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 25:38Speaker 06

  Stopped, drank the milk in front of us for maybe 30 seconds. One of these? Big one of those? Ah, back to screaming, scream the whole time. I'm laughing hysterically.

• 25:49Speaker 05

  Yes, yes.

• 25:50Speaker 06

  I don't know if it's what they wanted.

• 25:51Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 25:51Speaker 06

  But I will say at one point I was laughing so much that they laughed a little bit, the performer. Like they in the middle of a scream. I was laughing so hard that I don't think they had a choice.

• 26:00Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 26:00Speaker 06

  Like they in the middle of a scream, they were like this, they're like, ah, ah. Like they laughed a little bit at my laugh.

• 26:06Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's clowning. Clowns are, they're gonna mirror you.

• 26:09Speaker 06

  Clowns I can't get into today.

• 26:11Speaker 05

  No, I know, I know.

• 26:12Speaker 06

  You obviously know that's gonna be a trigger for me.

• 26:14Speaker 05

  I know.

• 26:15Speaker 06

  I can't get into it with clowns today. There's six clowns in LA that if given the chance, I would put them behind bars.

• 26:21Speaker 05

  Oh, oh yeah. When the Hulu series comes out about the fucking clown scene?

• 26:25Speaker 06

  There's six clowns in LA.

• 26:27Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 26:27Speaker 06

  That I would put behind bars.

• 26:28Speaker 05

  Oh my god, I mean, really, it just, clowning, it just teaches you to be comfortable bombing is really all that is.

• 26:35Speaker 06

  That's all, and I-

• 26:36Speaker 05

  Being okay wasting an audience's time.

• 26:42Speaker 05

  And they're really confident when they do it.

• 26:44Speaker 06

  Yeah. Cause that's the whole practice.

• 26:53Speaker 05

  Chris, Chris, I'm begging you.

• 27:00Speaker 05

  And obviously the beard is bouncing. It is the most cubic beard.

• 27:04Speaker 06

  They're naked for no reason. The clothes have to come off when the clowns do their thing sometimes in a way that you're like, it could have never enhanced the bit.

• 27:11Speaker 05

  Well, the clown master always suggests the hotties get nude.

• 27:14Speaker 06

  Yeah, of course.

• 27:14Speaker 05

  I think your clown might be naked.

• 27:17Speaker 06

  Some of the uggos are getting naked as well, though.

• 27:21Speaker 06

  You have to admit, Chris, I've seen some ugly naked clowns. Do you remember the first time you were asked earnestly if you were taking clown classes?

• 27:28Speaker 05

  Um.

• 27:29Speaker 06

  Has this happened to you?

• 27:30Speaker 05

  Yes, uh, the clown, they, they try to claim me. They say, they say,

• 27:36Speaker 05

  they say, you got it in you. Hey kid, you got it in you.

• 27:38Speaker 06

  They say, they try to claim me.

• 27:40Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 27:40Speaker 06

  No, cause you write.

• 27:42Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 27:43Speaker 06

  You couldn't clown because you write.

• 27:44Speaker 05

  That's right.

• 27:45Speaker 06

  Not all clowns don't write. There are some clowns that write. Natalie Palamides writes.

• 27:48Speaker 05

  Oh, she's different. She's great.

• 27:50Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 27:50Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 27:50Speaker 06

  There are some of them that write, but I'm saying like a lot of them, the reason they've come to clowning is because they looked at every possible talent.

• 27:56Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 27:57Speaker 06

  Saw none of it in themselves and said, I can roll around. And that's how they got there. And so of course, you're not gonna end up there.

• 28:04Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 28:05Speaker 06

  That's a lot of the clowns.

• 28:06Speaker 05

  Completely. Natalie is also the only performer, the only comedian who has ever during my set. But we've been on a lineup together. I was doing stand up and the audience starts laughing at something that I'm not doing. And I look around and Natalie's onstage with me.

• 28:23Speaker 06

  I wanna do that at one of your shows.

• 28:24Speaker 05

  It is the funny. I was like, she was just, she, imagine just seeing Natalie.

• 28:31Speaker 06

  Why'd she come out? Did you beckon?

• 28:33Speaker 05

  She had me be a deer in her thing.

• 28:36Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 28:36Speaker 05

  And so she thought it was a two way street.

• 28:41Speaker 05

  Which I get. I mean, I get. I mean.

• 28:44Speaker 06

  Wait, can I tell you something that you might not know about our friendship?

• 28:46Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 28:47Speaker 06

  Mine and yours friendship?

• 28:48Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 28:48Speaker 06

  I came, I was in Chicago when you taped your special and I tried to come to your after party.

• 28:53Speaker 05

  I heard about this. You went to the, um, the Blind Barber.

• 28:55Speaker 06

  I ended up, so I went to the first after party location and it was like a club.

• 28:59Speaker 05

  It was like a cage fight, right?

• 29:00Speaker 06

  It was like teens. It was, it was a club with like teenagers waiting to get in.

• 29:04Speaker 05

  Yeah, I think it was, there was a really wealthy man who was hunting people. Yeah.

• 29:08Speaker 06

  I walked up and saw the line and I said, this can't be the place. And it was.

• 29:11Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 29:11Speaker 06

  And then I got text messages that said, go to this other place. I went to a hotel. I walked in the hotel and I go, I'm here for the after party. And they go, ah, one moment. Ramon, a man named Ramon comes over and walks me down a staircase into a basement.

• 29:24Speaker 05

  That guy was the fucking worst.

• 29:26Speaker 06

  I got, I escorted into a speakeasy.

• 29:29Speaker 05

  He turned me away.

• 29:30Speaker 06

  What?

• 29:30Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 29:31Speaker 06

  Well, how'd you get in?

• 29:33Speaker 05

  Uh, I forget. I was so out of it.

• 29:35Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 29:36Speaker 05

  Anyway, but you were there.

• 29:37Speaker 06

  I go to the speakeasy. You're not there.

• 29:39Speaker 05

  Let me, for the, for the record, I did not select a speakeasy.

• 29:42Speaker 06

  I go, I go to the speakeasy.

• 29:44Speaker 05

  I am so against speakeasies.

• 29:46Speaker 06

  It was the backup venue because your first place didn't work.

• 29:48Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 29:49Speaker 06

  And then I ended up in the speakeasy.

• 29:50Speaker 05

  Yes. I'm bad at places. If it were up to me, it would be a field.

• 29:54Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 29:55Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 29:55Speaker 06

  And I just, I, I wasn't there for long.

• 29:57Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 29:58Speaker 06

  Cause I said, Chris is not coming. I convinced myself you weren't gonna come. I was like, this is some kind of bit.

• 30:03Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 30:03Speaker 06

  This is some sort of performance piece.

• 30:04Speaker 05

  There was a lady who was at the stage door who wanted to tell me that I bought her car.

• 30:11Speaker 05

  I just shot the special two shows.

• 30:14Speaker 03

  So I'm a complete scoundrel.

• 30:16Speaker 06

  Hask, yeah.

• 30:17Speaker 03

  I'm just like, huh?

• 30:19Speaker 05

  And there's a woman's like, "You bought my car. Please believe me, and you need to do this to the battery." Because she was right, the battery, I was needing to get the car jumped every morning.

• 30:31Speaker 05

  I need to turn the ba- because it's this like, this car, it's like a six-pound car.

• 30:37Speaker 06

  This is...

• 30:37Speaker 05

  It's true, like a...

• 30:38Speaker 06

  Mimi? This is the one that's like European, it drives on the wrong side?

• 30:41Speaker 05

  Japanese, I drive on the wrong side.

• 30:42Speaker 06

  And you don't you keep getting pulled over?

• 30:44Speaker 05

  Cops are like, they, cops drive by, and they're like, "Do we shoot, should we shoot the tire?" You know, "No, you know what, we got bigger fish to fry." But I'm almost getting, I'm almost going away for a long time in that thing.

• 30:56Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 30:56Speaker 05

  Every, every single day.

• 30:57Speaker 06

  And she told you a trick about the battery that worked?

• 30:59Speaker 05

  Finally.

• 31:00Speaker 06

  Well then, good that she found you, right?

• 31:01Speaker 05

  But my, you wouldn't, I thought that you could get roadside assistance by Geico for free, but if you jump it continually?

• 31:07Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 31:07Speaker 05

  Like, you wouldn't believe, and also, I already, it's already hiked up, because I, well, I won't get into what I've done on the road. I treat my neighborhood like it's my driveway.

• 31:18Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 31:18Speaker 05

  So I do a lot of, I, a lot of rolling stops, you know?

• 31:22Speaker 06

  You're not stopping fully at stop signs.

• 31:24Speaker 05

  In, in your neighborhood.

• 31:25Speaker 06

  Of course, it's your neighborhood.

• 31:26Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 31:27Speaker 06

  It's okay.

• 31:28Speaker 05

  Roll, it's considered a rolling stop, on a Vespa?

• 31:30Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 31:31Speaker 05

  I use my legs a lot to drive, because my legs, there's more, there's more, my legs, knees are more dexterous than these.

• 31:37Speaker 06

  God gave you legs for a reason.

• 31:39Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 31:39Speaker 06

  Drive with them.

• 31:40Speaker 05

  God gave me the ladies for a reason.

• 31:41Speaker 06

  Yeah, the girls, yeah, as I call them.

• 31:43Speaker 05

  You do.

• 31:44Speaker 06

  I say, "Where are the girls?", and you come skimping in, yeah.

• 31:46Speaker 05

  Madam, mademoiselle.

• 31:47Speaker 06

  Exactly.

• 31:48Speaker 05

  You know, this is my comedy leg, and this is my, this is the leg I tore my meniscus. Irish, Irish step dancing when I was in high school.

• 31:56Speaker 05

  In my bedroom.

• 31:57Speaker 06

  I can't, did you have to have surgery?

• 31:59Speaker 05

  Oh, of course I did.

• 32:00Speaker 06

  I had to have surgery.

• 32:01Speaker 05

  They told me I'd never dance again.

• 32:04Speaker 05

  And I had to recover under, I printed out a tiny, there's a tiny little clipping of Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance. He has every Cluster B personality disorder.

• 32:15Speaker 05

  I had a little clipping of him that I'm recovering in my bed underneath this and I, he was just out of arms reach. I couldn't tear him down. Cause I was trying to be like Michael Flatley.

• 32:23Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 32:24Speaker 05

  In my bedroom.

• 32:24Speaker 06

  Have you danced since?

• 32:26Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 32:27Speaker 06

  Usually I respect.

• 32:27Speaker 05

  Socially, yeah.

• 32:28Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 32:29Speaker 05

  No, I was a dance minor in college, almost.

• 32:31Speaker 06

  Really?

• 32:31Speaker 05

  Dance like concentration.

• 32:33Speaker 06

  You were almost a dance minor.

• 32:35Speaker 05

  Messed the choreography class.

• 32:36Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 32:36Speaker 05

  Yeah. Wait, what did you get surgery for?

• 32:38Speaker 06

  I had football.

• 32:40Speaker 05

  Forget it.

• 32:40Speaker 06

  I can't think of something more delineating between the two of us than that both of us had surgery in high school, connecting piece.

• 32:47Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 32:47Speaker 06

  Both of them were on our knees.

• 32:49Speaker 05

  Yes, which knee?

• 32:50Speaker 06

  Uh, right.

• 32:51Speaker 05

  Yeah, me too.

• 32:51Speaker 06

  You know something crazy?

• 32:52Speaker 05

  House left?

• 32:53Speaker 06

  Uh, hey, put your, do me a favor, put your, put your fingers right here where mine are.

• 32:57Speaker 05

  I thought you'd never ask.

• 32:58Speaker 06

  And then get your foot off of my foot.

• 32:59Speaker 05

  Sorry.

• 33:02Speaker 05

  He's boundaried.

• 33:06Speaker 05

  You better not be doing a party trick right now. No. What is it?

• 33:09Speaker 06

  Turn my angle weird. Hold on. I'm gonna untangle from you. Hold on, okay, hold on.

• 33:13Speaker 05

  What am I feeling for?

• 33:14Speaker 06

  Hold on.

• 33:14Speaker 05

  Oh, I'm hearing something.

• 33:17Speaker 05

  You better not be doing Pilates right now.

• 33:18Speaker 06

  Not doing it anymore. Oh, there it goes. Okay, here.

• 33:20Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 33:21Speaker 06

  I'll bring you up like this. You ready?

• 33:22Speaker 05

  Yeah. The way this is gonna go viral on Tumblr. Oh!

• 33:26Speaker 06

  You felt it. You felt it.

• 33:29Speaker 05

  What is that?

• 33:30Speaker 06

  Well, that's my fake, my fake, um, my thing from my surgery.

• 33:34Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 33:35Speaker 06

  My, um, cartilage in between the two bones had gotten like, uh, like the two, this bone and this bone were rubbing against each other and snapping off on the ends. And my coach told me to stop being a pussy and play through it. And I did. And then I had to get surgery. And then after I got surgery, I was like 15.

• 33:52Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 33:53Speaker 06

  My mom was like, you can keep playing football if you want, but I would recommend finding something else to do.

• 33:57Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 33:57Speaker 06

  And I did. I started doing student government.

• 33:58Speaker 05

  Council. Yeah, that's much better.

• 34:00Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 34:01Speaker 05

  Did you get along with the football people?

• 34:03Speaker 06

  Oh, um, is there anything that'll do or no?

• 34:05Speaker 05

  I'm trying to think.

• 34:06Speaker 06

  No fun pops or anything?

• 34:07Speaker 05

  Oh, I mean, nothing predictable. Um.

• 34:12Speaker 06

  Well, if you don't have one, you don't have to make one.

• 34:13Speaker 05

  If you grab both of these and you start swinging me around.

• 34:18Speaker 05

  Like an old laundry basket?

• 34:19Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 34:20Speaker 05

  I'll start to scream.

• 34:21Speaker 06

  Oh.

• 34:22Speaker 05

  Yippee!

• 34:23Speaker 06

  Let's do it later.

• 34:24Speaker 05

  Ms. Pat picked me up like that once on a panel.

• 34:26Speaker 06

  I love being here with you.

• 34:27Speaker 05

  Who? Ms. Pat.

• 34:28Speaker 06

  Oh, I've heard of her.

• 34:29Speaker 05

  I love being here with you.

• 34:30Speaker 06

  I don't know her.

• 34:31Speaker 05

  Oh, she's wonderful.

• 34:32Speaker 06

  I've only heard of her.

• 34:33Speaker 05

  Oh, she's amazing.

• 34:34Speaker 06

  She seems great.

• 34:35Speaker 05

  So funny.

• 34:36Speaker 06

  Yeah?

• 34:36Speaker 05

  Yeah, she picked me up truly like a picnic basket.

• 34:39Speaker 06

  Why'd she pick you up?

• 34:40Speaker 05

  It was in context, but she grabbed me by-

• 34:42Speaker 06

  I guess I'm asking what the context is.

• 34:44Speaker 05

  I can get really small. Oh, we were just on a panel.

• 34:47Speaker 06

  Small.

• 34:48Speaker 05

  I can get super small.

• 34:51Speaker 05

  I'm like an octopi- you know how octopi can go down the drain?

• 34:53Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 34:56Speaker 06

  That's you?

• 34:56Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 34:57Speaker 06

  You were on a panel and she had to pick you up?

• 34:59Speaker 05

  Yeah. Yeah, we were carrying the panel because there was a lot of like quiet. People were kind of just being quiet.

• 35:04Speaker 06

  Of course, of course.

• 35:05Speaker 05

  And we were just saying shit and not understanding each other and I think it was a punitive measure.

• 35:09Speaker 06

  How often are you getting invited to something and saying no?

• 35:13Speaker 05

  What would you think? Like, hmm?

• 35:16Speaker 06

  I'm in like the hundreds per day at this point.

• 35:18Speaker 05

  Yeah, you say no. I love saying-

• 35:20Speaker 06

  I'm not talking interpersonally. There would be no valor in turning down like hanging out with friends.

• 35:24Speaker 05

  No, no, no, no.

• 35:24Speaker 06

  Talking like work events.

• 35:25Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 35:27Speaker 06

  Some of the things that they come up with to invite you to. I mean, don't you just find it's like it gets crazier every day?

• 35:33Speaker 05

  Completely.

• 35:34Speaker 06

  They're like, the Sticky Awards would really love to have you show face on the green carpet.

• 35:40Speaker 05

  The Sticky Awards.

• 35:41Speaker 06

  They need you to show up on the green carpet. They need you there.

• 35:45Speaker 05

  And it's in Buffalo.

• 35:46Speaker 06

  And it's in Buffalo.

• 35:47Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 35:47Speaker 06

  And it's in Buffalo and a comedian you don't like is hosting.

• 35:50Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 35:50Speaker 06

  Just so you know. And they'd love for you to come. They do not have a budget.

• 35:54Speaker 05

  It's weird. It's never adjacent to what you- like the taste that you think would like you either.

• 36:00Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 36:01Speaker 05

  It's- I don't know how it happens.

• 36:04Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 36:04Speaker 05

  I often forget to respond to things.

• 36:08Speaker 06

  That's okay.

• 36:08Speaker 05

  And that's- I feel like you say no a lot. I feel like you're-

• 36:13Speaker 06

  I start- I live at no and I have to be dragged out of it with a knife to my throat.

• 36:18Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 36:19Speaker 06

  I would say is how I would describe my approach to going to things.

• 36:22Speaker 05

  Like events or like doing-

• 36:23Speaker 06

  Work things, work events.

• 36:24Speaker 05

  Like even like- or even guesting on podcasts. I'm sure you're saying no to-

• 36:28Speaker 06

  I don't go on a lot of podcasts. I go on my friends' podcasts. I'll go like when I'm promoting something. I'm sure the next time I have to promote something, I'll go on a bunch. But that's not because I'm better than it or anything. It's just because I spend so much time doing my own podcasts that if I say yes to all these other podcasts, all of a sudden- 12 hours a week on podcasting.

• 36:45Speaker 05

  Well, if you do the wrong podcast, you truly feel like you're at the kind of college as the way that they're.

• 36:50Speaker 06

  It's really bad.

• 36:51Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 36:52Speaker 06

  It's really, really bad.

• 36:53Speaker 05

  Yeah, it shaves six to eight months off my life.

• 36:55Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 36:55Speaker 05

  Doing the wrong ones.

• 36:56Speaker 06

  100%.

• 36:57Speaker 05

  And you know, the second it starts, you go, oh, I made a big mistake.

• 37:00Speaker 06

  Yeah, when it's like, oh yeah, I just, I get really, really scared.

• 37:04Speaker 05

  Chris, why are you the way you are? Oh, God.

• 37:07Speaker 06

  Well.

• 37:10Speaker 06

  Answer them.

• 37:13Speaker 06

  Chris, hold on, answer them.

• 37:19Speaker 06

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• 38:04Speaker 06

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• 39:15Speaker 06

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• 39:18Speaker 06

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• 40:01Speaker 06

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• 40:40Speaker 06

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• 41:03Speaker 05

  You're really good at preserving, I think, yourself, probably.

• 41:06Speaker 06

  Well, I need to be hanging out most of the time.

• 41:09Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 41:10Speaker 06

  That's part of my, um...

• 41:11Speaker 05

  That's so smart. Doing, if I, we need to be having nothing to do most of the time.

• 41:16Speaker 06

  Don't you think?

• 41:17Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 41:17Speaker 06

  A day where there's something on my calendar is tyranny.

• 41:20Speaker 05

  Same. I feel like no one has ever gone through anything worse than, than what I have to go through if I have a four o'clock, 20 second call.

• 41:30Speaker 06

  No, for real.

• 41:31Speaker 05

  It's, I, I truly, I'm like, this is...

• 41:34Speaker 06

  I've long said this.

• 41:34Speaker 05

  This is Dust Bowl era.

• 41:35Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 41:36Speaker 05

  Me and my, me and my hound.

• 41:38Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah. I have my...

• 41:39Speaker 05

  Going from town to town. Rucksack.

• 41:42Speaker 06

  Yes, but, um, there's another one.

• 41:44Speaker 05

  Catalan?

• 41:45Speaker 06

  No, you put it over your shoulder. My, Bendel. You know Bendel?

• 41:49Speaker 05

  Bendel?

• 41:50Speaker 06

  Bendel!

• 41:50Speaker 05

  It's a bisexual Kindle?

• 41:51Speaker 06

  No. Okay. They, you take, you take like a cloth and you tie it around a stick.

• 41:58Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 41:58Speaker 06

  You know Bendel?

• 41:59Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 42:00Speaker 06

  You know Bendel?

• 42:01Speaker 05

  Donald Duck would use that when he'd fall on hard times.

• 42:03Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 42:03Speaker 05

  When Daisy would kick him out.

• 42:04Speaker 06

  The ant.

• 42:05Speaker 05

  For cheating.

• 42:06Speaker 06

  Do you think he cheated?

• 42:07Speaker 05

  I know he cheated.

• 42:08Speaker 06

  Have you ever cheated?

• 42:09Speaker 05

  No.

• 42:09Speaker 06

  No? Me neither, but I'm fascinated by it.

• 42:12Speaker 05

  By cheating?

• 42:13Speaker 06

  Yeah, because it is hot.

• 42:15Speaker 05

  In, in fiction, it's hot.

• 42:17Speaker 06

  You know, don't you think people are probably having a really hot ti... I hear what I'm saying. Do I cheat? No, I'm not a cheater. I've always been of the mind that if you're not enjoying someone, you should just leave them and go do what you wanted to do. However, I think people who are cheating are having a very hot time.

• 42:29Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 42:30Speaker 06

  Don't you think when they're cheating, they're going, fuck, this is so hot?

• 42:34Speaker 06

  That I'm cheating right now. I think that's why they do it.

• 42:36Speaker 05

  I think, yes. I think this is a lot of what you see at a certain type of bad restaurant. You see a lot of people cheating. A lot of like guys in their f... bald guys in their 50s. And there's a cer... Oh, I think that whenever you see a guy in blazer and jeans.

• 42:50Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 42:51Speaker 05

  He's at least trying to cheat.

• 42:52Speaker 06

  He wants to cheat.

• 42:53Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 42:54Speaker 06

  He's open to cheating.

• 42:55Speaker 05

  Or the Seinfeld sneakers with suit, trying to cheat.

• 42:58Speaker 06

  Wow.

• 42:59Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 43:00Speaker 06

  That's really scary to think about.

• 43:01Speaker 05

  Trying and failing to cheat, I think there is. If you, if you don't even pull that, if you hit your chin on the pool and don't pull it off.

• 43:06Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 43:06Speaker 05

  I think there is a ring of hell for that.

• 43:08Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 43:10Speaker 06

  That's a really good point.

• 43:10Speaker 05

  Airport bars.

• 43:12Speaker 06

  I got really scared when you said bad restaurant because I think you might be talking about some of my favorite places.

• 43:16Speaker 05

  Well, I have terrible, you know, I've never given a restaurant recommend. No one's ever come to me for restaurant recs.

• 43:22Speaker 06

  That makes sense to me.

• 43:23Speaker 05

  People don't want to know where I eat.

• 43:24Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 43:25Speaker 05

  You know, I'm mostly.

• 43:26Speaker 06

  I do, but I don't want to go.

• 43:27Speaker 05

  I'm post food. I'm mostly drinking stuff.

• 43:29Speaker 06

  I know you. I'm really actually starting to get, I know it's been like a thing we've talked a lot about in our friendship and it's been kind of a recurring theme when you've come on the show. I am approaching a point where I'm worried about your boba consumption.

• 43:38Speaker 05

  Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 43:40Speaker 06

  Your boba consumption is getting out of control.

• 43:42Speaker 05

  Well, there's a theory that I metabolize sugar like, like alcohol. So I might be getting fucked up. Like I may have just the reason why I, when I was drinking, it may have just been the mixers that were fucking me up. I think I've told you this.

• 43:53Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 43:54Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 43:54Speaker 06

  You said there's a theory that, and then by that you just mean you've kind of thought maybe.

• 43:58Speaker 05

  People DM me, hey, I think this is what's happening. Like a lot of like, um, I hope they're medical people, but there's like a way that sugar can be metabolized.

• 44:08Speaker 06

  They're not, just so you know. With all my love, they are not. They are not medical people.

• 44:14Speaker 05

  Maybe, yeah, you might be right.

• 44:16Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 44:16Speaker 05

  But no, I, I, I should, I should cut back on boba, but.

• 44:22Speaker 06

  I'm just worried. I'm just worried about your dependency on it. Not because I care about what you put in your body. I don't worry about that kind of stuff. I just mean, what's going to happen someday if you don't have access to boba?

• 44:30Speaker 05

  I thought about like a yellow jacket, second one on the top, a yellow jackets situation.

• 44:34Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 44:35Speaker 05

  I'd go crazy.

• 44:36Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 44:36Speaker 05

  I mean, I would write a manifesto, day one of not being able to have boba. I would occupy a state building the second. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm, you're going to see me on the roof in a mu mu.

• 44:46Speaker 06

  Yeah. Yeah. Occupying a state building because you don't have boba. Please.

• 44:53Speaker 06

  I really do. I'm concerned about the day this happens.

• 44:56Speaker 05

  What's your crutch?

• 44:57Speaker 06

  My crutch? Oh, everything. I eat whore. I love to have a good time.

• 45:01Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 45:01Speaker 06

  I love to have a good time.

• 45:02Speaker 05

  Keep the party going too.

• 45:03Speaker 06

  I like to have a Dr. Pepper. I like to have a big iced vanilla latte. I'll tell you something about Europe. They think they got a lot of things figured out. Their buildings may be older. Their languages may be more beautiful, but America is the greatest fucking country on earth because we have iced vanilla lattes on every corner.

• 45:18Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 45:18Speaker 06

  They don't do vanilla. They won't figure out how to do ice in the lattes, a lot of them.

• 45:22Speaker 05

  Ooh, and they're small, right? It's like little, little Dixie cups.

• 45:25Speaker 06

  And they think they're just so much better than us because they're all thin and cultured and they've been to a million countries.

• 45:29Speaker 05

  And they resolve their issues with each other if they have interpersonal stuff.

• 45:33Speaker 06

  It just makes me upset.

• 45:34Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 45:34Speaker 06

  It just makes me upset. I love traveling.

• 45:36Speaker 05

  I get really angry when I go there.

• 45:37Speaker 06

  To Europe?

• 45:38Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 45:38Speaker 06

  Well, I have a beautiful time looking at the museums, but the coffee situation is out of control. You know, I'm coming over here. Make me one.

• 45:45Speaker 05

  Totally.

• 45:45Speaker 06

  I found some, I found a vanilla syrup plug in Amsterdam.

• 45:48Speaker 05

  A what?

• 45:49Speaker 06

  The young ladies who worked at the coffee shop I was staying next to in Amsterdam. Vanilla is not on the menu. But I went in, I said, is it possible for me to get an iced vanilla latte? I know, I know, kill me, shoot me dead. And they go, they laughed and they said, it's not on the menu, but we have some that we keep just for us. We'll give you some. And every day I was in Amsterdam and I went and they made me an iced vanilla latte. Except for, on the fourth day, I go in there, new girl working. And I go, I go, hey, some of the other people who work here have been hooking me up with an iced vanilla latte. I don't know if you'd be interested in perhaps doing the same.

• 46:19Speaker 05

  Throw me a bone.

• 46:20Speaker 06

  She goes, we don't have vanilla on the menu.

• 46:22Speaker 05

  Right.

• 46:22Speaker 06

  I go, I go, no, no, I know. I just, I know that right in that little fridge over there, you keep some.

• 46:27Speaker 05

  Company man.

• 46:27Speaker 06

  She was a company man. And it's sick.

• 46:30Speaker 05

  It's sick.

• 46:30Speaker 06

  And she would inform on me in a Nazi situation, by the way.

• 46:33Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 46:34Speaker 06

  She's just, she's a component of the state of Kong.

• 46:36Speaker 05

  That's, let's keep cupping the balls of the man. You know who that is? That's someone who retweets SNL videos. Yeah, yeah.

• 46:45Speaker 06

  Just corporate.

• 46:46Speaker 05

  Doing grassroots organizing for Lorne Michaels.

• 46:48Speaker 06

  I said, I know, but there's a bottle back there. And she goes, I don't know what you're talking about. I said, okay, I'll have, I'll have just a latte, iced latte. I'll put sugar in it. I'll put some of that brown sugar in it that doesn't dissolve. That's what I'll do. Sounds good. I'm pissed. We were talking about it before the episode. I'm mad.

• 47:02Speaker 05

  Yeah, I saw you punching the drywall.

• 47:03Speaker 06

  I had a bad coffee every day.

• 47:05Speaker 05

  You could, I had an old boss at a coffee shop who would smuggle ABBA, ABBA records into Iran back in the day when it wasn't allowed. You could do this with vanilla syrup.

• 47:16Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 47:17Speaker 05

  Into Amsterdam.

• 47:18Speaker 06

  They have it. They have access to it. They just don't want to use it.

• 47:21Speaker 05

  It's a private stash.

• 47:22Speaker 06

  It's a private stash. They don't want to use it for the customers. They don't want Americans to come around, I think.

• 47:26Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 47:27Speaker 06

  I think they don't like us, which isn't fair. I'm not the government. I'm just Caleb.

• 47:32Speaker 05

  It's tough to be disliked. It's, I freak out the second someone dislikes me.

• 47:37Speaker 06

  Really?

• 47:37Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 47:38Speaker 06

  I feel like you're so impervious to that sort of thing. Do you have a fragile ego?

• 47:41Speaker 05

  Oh, so fragile.

• 47:42Speaker 06

  Really?

• 47:42Speaker 05

  Oh, I could. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Very much so.

• 47:44Speaker 06

  Really?

• 47:45Speaker 05

  But I'm usually pretty tolerated.

• 47:47Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 47:49Speaker 05

  People haven't-

• 47:49Speaker 06

  Well, I just downright love you.

• 47:50Speaker 05

  People haven't had a hard time with me.

• 47:52Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 47:53Speaker 05

  Typically, it's like, okay.

• 47:55Speaker 06

  You get away with murder, actually.

• 47:56Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 47:56Speaker 06

  You say things about people that I'm like, if I did that, I would be in trouble.

• 47:59Speaker 05

  Oh, but it only makes them wilder for me when I say it.

• 48:01Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 48:02Speaker 05

  Or vaguely, it won't stop ringing me.

• 48:04Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 48:06Speaker 06

  Have you said things about Mike?

• 48:08Speaker 05

  Oh, so many things.

• 48:10Speaker 06

  Yeah?

• 48:10Speaker 05

  I can't stop talking about it.

• 48:12Speaker 06

  You really get away with these things. I don't know how.

• 48:14Speaker 05

  Yeah, I think, I think it's a kink people have.

• 48:16Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 48:16Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 48:16Speaker 06

  They want you to talk about them.

• 48:18Speaker 05

  Yeah. I did it about someone recently where someone was like, you can't, you can't do that.

• 48:23Speaker 06

  Really?

• 48:24Speaker 05

  Yeah, I forget who it was. But I just-

• 48:26Speaker 06

  Wait, they hit you up, the person you were talking about?

• 48:27Speaker 05

  No, my friends were like, hey, hey, hey, hey.

• 48:29Speaker 06

  Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

• 48:30Speaker 05

  Careful, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

• 48:31Speaker 06

  Yeah. I'd love if you did a bit about me. I mean that.

• 48:33Speaker 05

  I could never.

• 48:34Speaker 06

  I would love if you did.

• 48:35Speaker 05

  No.

• 48:35Speaker 06

  I recently convinced a musician friend to put me in a song. Album's not out yet, but I'm in there.

• 48:40Speaker 05

  You're like-

• 48:41Speaker 06

  I'm low in the mix. My name is low in the mix.

• 48:44Speaker 05

  It's like a background vocal?

• 48:45Speaker 06

  Yeah, I wouldn't say background, but uh-

• 48:48Speaker 05

  In what context?

• 48:49Speaker 06

  My name is low in the mix.

• 48:50Speaker 05

  Caleb.

• 48:51Speaker 06

  Almost.

• 48:52Speaker 05

  What's, who's the musician?

• 48:53Speaker 06

  I can't say.

• 48:54Speaker 05

  You're always hanging out with, you're like, popping up with like the, the harpsichord player from Florence and the Machine.

• 49:03Speaker 06

  You ever been to church?

• 49:04Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, Catholic church.

• 49:05Speaker 06

  Really? You were Catholic?

• 49:06Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 49:07Speaker 06

  Still are?

• 49:08Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 49:09Speaker 06

  You're Catholic?

• 49:09Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 49:10Speaker 06

  Are you really?

• 49:10Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 49:11Speaker 06

  Do you go?

• 49:12Speaker 05

  I would occasionally-

• 49:14Speaker 06

  You believe in the Catholic God?

• 49:15Speaker 05

  Uh, yeah.

• 49:16Speaker 06

  I didn't know this about you.

• 49:16Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 49:17Speaker 06

  And you're going or no going?

• 49:18Speaker 05

  I go with my family occasionally on holidays.

• 49:21Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 49:22Speaker 05

  Out of fear. We go out of fear.

• 49:24Speaker 06

  You being Catholic is really sending me.

• 49:26Speaker 05

  Oh, Massachusetts, man.

• 49:27Speaker 06

  But still, to this day, Catholicism.

• 49:29Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, yeah. He's listening right now.

• 49:30Speaker 06

  I'm very surprised by that.

• 49:31Speaker 05

  He's listening, he's listening right now.

• 49:32Speaker 06

  I guess I don't know much about your politics.

• 49:38Speaker 06

  Like, we're pretty good friends, I feel, but I don't know much about your politics, actually.

• 49:42Speaker 05

  Huge Jeb Bush woman, myself.

• 49:44Speaker 06

  Yeah, big Jeb voter.

• 49:45Speaker 05

  Big Jeb.

• 49:46Speaker 06

  I clapped.

• 49:46Speaker 05

  Okay, I was really bad at history. So what I do is I just get my politics from my most progressive friends.

• 49:53Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 49:54Speaker 05

  And that's where I go off of.

• 49:55Speaker 06

  You know, my mom is a really sweet lady who is not political.

• 49:59Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 50:00Speaker 06

  And I have to check in every once in a while. We had to check in this morning. I checked in about ICE. I was like, just want to make sure you know.

• 50:05Speaker 05

  I'm sure she's.

• 50:06Speaker 06

  What's going on and I want to make sure you're up to date and you hate this and you feel really like this is a bad thing.

• 50:11Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 50:11Speaker 06

  Because I'm sure she, and she does, and of course she does.

• 50:13Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 50:13Speaker 06

  And she was like, yeah, she was like, this is so fucked up. I'm so upset about it.

• 50:17Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 50:17Speaker 06

  And I was like, good, but you just, she's a nice enough Midwestern lady.

• 50:21Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 50:21Speaker 06

  That like if a really loud person in a room says something convincingly.

• 50:25Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 50:25Speaker 06

  She doesn't go along with it or believe it.

• 50:26Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 50:27Speaker 06

  But she, she'll scratch her head a little bit.

• 50:30Speaker 00

  I hate Mondays.

• 50:32Speaker 01

  King's Hawaiian cinnamon swirl bite?

• 50:33Speaker 00

  Taylor Hanson? Sure, I'll try one. Mmm.

• 50:39Speaker 01

  Hey, let's get back to work, please.

• 50:40Speaker 00

  But Taylor Hanson's making my day way better with these new soft and swirly King's Hawaiian cinnamon bites.

• 50:45Speaker 01

  Taylor Hanson? Nice. Try one. Mmm.

• 50:52Speaker 02

  King's Hawaiian cinnamon bites. There's nothing like it.

• 51:00Speaker 05

  I think it's tough for people who aren't following the girlies on Instagram.

• 51:03Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 51:04Speaker 05

  I think we can base a lot of what the stories, you know, I see the girlies. I'm like, okay, I'll follow the girlies.

• 51:08Speaker 06

  This is where we're going.

• 51:09Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 51:10Speaker 06

  This is where things are headed.

• 51:10Speaker 05

  When the girlies post about, I'm like, okay, this is where I stand on this.

• 51:13Speaker 06

  That's where you get things.

• 51:14Speaker 05

  I'm just, I'm politically very, very stupid.

• 51:16Speaker 06

  Are you?

• 51:17Speaker 05

  Yes, yes.

• 51:18Speaker 06

  Wow.

• 51:18Speaker 05

  History, I could never, I, cause and effect, I can't understand why the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand led to World War I. And you could, you could sit me down.

• 51:29Speaker 06

  I didn't know he had passed.

• 51:33Speaker 06

  I'll have to send something. That's, that's so sad.

• 51:37Speaker 05

  To the Fernands?

• 51:37Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 51:38Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 51:38Speaker 06

  They're family friends.

• 51:39Speaker 05

  I know.

• 51:40Speaker 06

  We have a Shirley Lake house. It's a long story.

• 51:42Speaker 05

  I know. You saw the Chicks with them.

• 51:43Speaker 06

  Yeah. Well, I've never seen the Chicks.

• 51:46Speaker 05

  No?

• 51:46Speaker 06

  Do you know that? I keep getting robbed.

• 51:49Speaker 05

  What do you mean?

• 51:49Speaker 06

  I've seen the Chicks. It keeps getting stolen from me. I, I, I keep meaning to go and then I'll, I got, I got tickets to the Chicks and then I had a job I had to go do. My friends went to the Chicks without me on my, my tickets, my seats.

• 52:01Speaker 05

  On your dollar?

• 52:02Speaker 06

  Yes. Well, not my dollar. I, they were given to me, but, well, maybe I did pay for them. But the point is, I've never seen the Chicks live. They're my favorite band.

• 52:10Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 52:11Speaker 06

  But I've always missed them. I was supposed to see them in Kansas City with a friend. Couldn't be there. Had to be off for work.

• 52:15Speaker 05

  Have you communicated with them?

• 52:16Speaker 06

  The Chicks?

• 52:16Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 52:17Speaker 06

  They don't speak to me. They don't reach out. And I know that they've heard of me because I talk about them so much. It has to have gotten to them.

• 52:22Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 52:23Speaker 06

  They don't reach out. I think that's really good for them. I think that's wise.

• 52:25Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 52:26Speaker 06

  I want to someday meet all of them on, one of them just opened a laundromat. I'm very proud of her.

• 52:31Speaker 05

  Cool.

• 52:32Speaker 06

  I believe it was Emily.

• 52:33Speaker 05

  I went to one of those and I was like, I want this for a closet.

• 52:35Speaker 06

  Laundromat?

• 52:35Speaker 05

  Like how big those, all those things are. You know what I'm talking about? The moving thing?

• 52:39Speaker 06

  I'm afraid I don't. Oh, you, oh, um, dry cleaner. You're talking about the dry cleaner with the thing?

• 52:44Speaker 05

  I'm thinking about a dry cleaner.

• 52:44Speaker 06

  That's beautiful. I think that you should have that in your closet.

• 52:46Speaker 05

  That's what I want.

• 52:47Speaker 06

  I was just in a hotel with a walk-in closet. That didn't feel like I should be in there.

• 52:51Speaker 05

  A Sex and the City walk-in?

• 52:54Speaker 06

  Not quite.

• 52:55Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 52:55Speaker 06

  Not quite, but it was nice.

• 52:56Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 52:57Speaker 06

  It was nice and I felt like I shouldn't be, when I'm in nice places, sometimes I go, they know that I shouldn't be in here.

• 53:01Speaker 05

  Oh, same.

• 53:01Speaker 06

  Yeah. They go, you should have never come here.

• 53:04Speaker 05

  No, I, I, I'm, the way I'm watched in every nice building I'm ever in. And they, they make sure I check out. My checkout time's like 7 a.m.

• 53:14Speaker 06

  They give you a special one?

• 53:15Speaker 05

  Yeah, 6 a.m.

• 53:16Speaker 06

  You have to check out at 7?

• 53:17Speaker 05

  Checkout's at 6.

• 53:17Speaker 06

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 53:20Speaker 05

  And check-ins at 9 p.m.

• 53:21Speaker 06

  Yeah. I, we, when we were in Madrid, we stayed in a hotel that had a 24-hour indoor pool. We were the only ones using it and we went crazy on it.

• 53:31Speaker 05

  I crunch these numbers in hotels. There's probably a billion people in the hotel.

• 53:36Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 53:37Speaker 05

  At any given time.

• 53:37Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 53:38Speaker 05

  Zero goose egg in the pool.

• 53:40Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 53:40Speaker 05

  No one's enjoying the pool.

• 53:42Speaker 06

  The only place they enjoy the pool is at like a hotel like The Line and it's on the rooftop and it's not even meant to swim. It's three feet deep.

• 53:48Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 53:49Speaker 06

  It's just.

• 53:49Speaker 05

  It's meant to overdose in.

• 53:50Speaker 06

  It's for hot people to like.

• 53:52Speaker 05

  It's to Richard II die in a little, after too many mimosas.

• 53:55Speaker 06

  Yeah. It's for hot people to get a little wet and chat with each other.

• 53:59Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 53:59Speaker 06

  That's what they're for.

• 53:59Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 54:00Speaker 06

  I'm here to swim. I want a big ass body of water, so straight up, I want to race. I ask people to race in the pool all the time, yes.

• 54:08Speaker 05

  Racing?

• 54:08Speaker 06

  Oh, I want to race, I want to race from this side to that side, I'm here to swim.

• 54:11Speaker 05

  You're doing handstands?

• 54:12Speaker 06

  I'm doing handstands, I want to do like belly flops and shit, like I'm here to play around.

• 54:16Speaker 05

  I was, my cousin has a pool and she's got, she's got these little kids, five year old, and they're, one was on my back. Little kids talk to me the same way that, you know when you go viral outside of your fanbase, the way people comment on your shit?

• 54:30Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 54:31Speaker 05

  That's how kids talk to me, he's on my back, I'm swimming through this pool.

• 54:34Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 54:35Speaker 05

  He whispers in my ear, "You even have the neck of a woman."

• 54:42Speaker 06

  Well.

• 54:43Speaker 05

  Are we in jail?

• 54:44Speaker 06

  That's a beautiful compliment, that's a beautiful compliment.

• 54:46Speaker 05

  Is that, that's like a true quote from Deliverance.

• 54:49Speaker 06

  Women have beautiful necks.

• 54:51Speaker 05

  And no one hears, I get, this is, he knows to whisper that.

• 54:55Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 54:56Speaker 05

  And none of the adults hear that.

• 54:57Speaker 06

  He's aware, he knows he shouldn't be saying that out loud.

• 54:59Speaker 05

  But anyway, yeah, I'm in, when I'm, any, any opportunity for a pool, I'm in it.

• 55:04Speaker 06

  I love to swim.

• 55:05Speaker 05

  Hot tubs? I used to base social circles around who had the hot tub in high school.

• 55:09Speaker 06

  Yeah, of course, I want to get one.

• 55:12Speaker 05

  You ever got hot tub folliculitis?

• 55:13Speaker 06

  Come again?

• 55:14Speaker 05

  So, if they don't clean it out, you can get a bacterial infection called hot tub folliculitis. And I actually have a Spotify playlist that's really good called Hot Tub Foliculitis, because we, me and all my friends, we were like, hey, is anyone else's nipples sore?

• 55:30Speaker 06

  And it was hot tub folliculitis?

• 55:32Speaker 05

  We all got this thing called hot tub folliculitis in 2019, from this decrep, because the amount of care that, a hot tub almost bankrupted my friend, my friend's family in high school, because they used to have to get this guy called the Aquaman to come over, like nightly, to fix this thing. Otherwise, you get what, you get a step above black mold. You get like generational mold from hot tubs if you don't take care of them.

• 55:54Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 55:54Speaker 05

  So be careful if you get one, get the cedar kind.

• 55:57Speaker 06

  It's why I haven't gotten one so far, is I know how much work they are, and I neglect my things.

• 56:00Speaker 05

  It's like owning a horse.

• 56:01Speaker 06

  Yeah, okay. How do you mean?

• 56:04Speaker 05

  Just the care.

• 56:07Speaker 05

  You know, it's, oh, the horse is gonna colic if I don't throw at a carrot.

• 56:13Speaker 05

  If I don't do brain teasers with the horse.

• 56:17Speaker 06

  Our horse is known to be high maintenance.

• 56:18Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 56:19Speaker 06

  I didn't know that.

• 56:20Speaker 05

  They live in, well into their 70s, I think.

• 56:22Speaker 06

  Do they really?

• 56:23Speaker 05

  Can we Google that, life expectancy of horses?

• 56:25Speaker 06

  Life expectancy horse.

• 56:26Speaker 05

  I would, I would say maybe 48.

• 56:29Speaker 06

  It's okay, 25 to 30?

• 56:32Speaker 06

  So we Googled it. It's 25 to 30.

• 56:33Speaker 05

  Rent a car.

• 56:34Speaker 06

  Yeah. Oh, ponies might live into their 30s or 40s, though. So, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Don't go. Don't go anywhere, Nicole. Would you bring it back?

• 56:41Speaker 05

  Forty year old horse.

• 56:42Speaker 06

  Living conditions can push lifespans with records exceeding 50 years. Okay, so the record is like the 50s.

• 56:46Speaker 05

  I feel like I'm a 40 year old horse.

• 56:48Speaker 06

  Do you? How old are you?

• 56:50Speaker 05

  38. No one knows for sure.

• 56:53Speaker 05

  38.

• 56:53Speaker 06

  It's not recorded anywhere.

• 56:54Speaker 05

  The doctors believe 38.

• 56:56Speaker 06

  Yeah, we think.

• 56:56Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 56:57Speaker 06

  Based on the rings.

• 56:58Speaker 05

  You're 30.

• 56:59Speaker 06

  I turn 31 next week.

• 57:02Speaker 05

  I forgot. We're Aquaria.

• 57:04Speaker 06

  We are. When's your birthday?

• 57:06Speaker 05

  29.

• 57:07Speaker 06

  Oh, my God. Happy birthday, almost.

• 57:08Speaker 05

  And you're having your birthday party in the Arctic Thunder. I can't, but I.

• 57:12Speaker 06

  Where do you have to be?

• 57:13Speaker 05

  I got the dog.

• 57:14Speaker 06

  The Snickies. You have the Snickie Awards.

• 57:18Speaker 06

  The Snickies are in Buffalo. I have to go.

• 57:19Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 57:20Speaker 06

  I have to grace the green carpet.

• 57:22Speaker 05

  You, okay, 30. When you turn 30, tell me about it. What happened?

• 57:25Speaker 06

  30? Best year of my life.

• 57:27Speaker 05

  Yeah, same.

• 57:28Speaker 06

  30 is the best year of my life.

• 57:28Speaker 05

  I exhaled for the first time.

• 57:30Speaker 06

  Chris, I'm dead serious.

• 57:32Speaker 05

  Same, no.

• 57:32Speaker 06

  I felt a relief.

• 57:33Speaker 05

  Is that I'm not being serious with you?

• 57:34Speaker 06

  I felt like someone, do you know when someone needs to be stabbed a little bit to let some blood out?

• 57:40Speaker 06

  That you have to let blood?

• 57:41Speaker 05

  I guess.

• 57:41Speaker 06

  Do you know? When you have like an infection.

• 57:44Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 57:44Speaker 06

  Like a really big infected leg in like a war movie and they have to stab it to let it out.

• 57:48Speaker 05

  Did you grow up in the 1910s?

• 57:51Speaker 06

  The Ferb Nance, my family friend.

• 57:52Speaker 05

  Okay, yeah. I think I know what you mean.

• 57:54Speaker 06

  I felt like that. I felt like I let loose for the, I was like, when I turned 30, I was like, oh, because there was so much pressure in my 20s, I felt to be like, I am young and I'm living my best life and I'm 20 something.

• 58:06Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 58:06Speaker 06

  And I turned 30 and I was like, well, I'm still young, but I feel like, ah, my 20s are over. I accomplished them.

• 58:11Speaker 05

  It's the first time I ever stayed still. You wouldn't believe.

• 58:13Speaker 06

  I don't believe that you stayed still.

• 58:15Speaker 05

  I, in terms of not, if you think I move around a lot now.

• 58:19Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 58:19Speaker 05

  Me in my 20s.

• 58:21Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 58:21Speaker 05

  Truly like a, like a true cryptid.

• 58:23Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 58:24Speaker 05

  The amount of, the, the ground I was covering.

• 58:26Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 58:26Speaker 05

  Never stopping.

• 58:27Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 58:27Speaker 05

  I was famous at parties for a second I would make someone laugh, I'm out of here.

• 58:31Speaker 06

  That's great, though.

• 58:32Speaker 05

  I'd be every, I would, I would never be in the same place. And then 30.

• 58:37Speaker 06

  You've relaxed a little bit. I love that and I feel the same way.

• 58:42Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 58:42Speaker 06

  I'm turning 31 next week. What about, do you remember anything about your 31st year of life? And be honest, for once.

• 58:49Speaker 05

  No, I.

• 58:51Speaker 05

  I don't, I don't.

• 58:53Speaker 06

  No?

• 58:53Speaker 05

  No. I mean, I, I, I don't.

• 58:56Speaker 06

  It doesn't matter anymore?

• 58:57Speaker 05

  No, no, no, no.

• 58:58Speaker 06

  It stops mattering.

• 58:59Speaker 05

  It doesn't matter. Prince didn't count his birthdays. Rest in power.

• 59:02Speaker 06

  One more time?

• 59:03Speaker 05

  Prince didn't count his birthdays. Rest in power.

• 59:05Speaker 06

  Well, I, I still didn't get it. I'm so sorry.

• 59:07Speaker 05

  Prince.

• 59:08Speaker 06

  Prince.

• 59:08Speaker 05

  Didn't count his birthdays.

• 59:09Speaker 06

  Didn't count his. I thought you were saying Prince didn't counting birthdays. And I, I thought we were talking about the institution, Princeton.

• 59:15Speaker 05

  Don't get me started on Prince didn't count on our birthdays.

• 59:18Speaker 06

  He didn't?

• 59:18Speaker 05

  No.

• 59:19Speaker 06

  He was a weird guy. Prince, I'm not mad that he didn't count his birthdays, but he was always up to something. Fucking symbol.

• 59:27Speaker 05

  He was an imp.

• 59:28Speaker 06

  When I learned about the symbol, it pissed me off.

• 59:30Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 59:30Speaker 06

  Just be Prince.

• 59:32Speaker 05

  My mom, I think punched through glass when she went back, wound up in our house.

• 59:37Speaker 06

  But he was Christian.

• 59:38Speaker 05

  He was Jehovah's Witness.

• 59:39Speaker 06

  And he was straight.

• 59:40Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 59:42Speaker 06

  You just could never see anything coming with that guy.

• 59:44Speaker 05

  You know, he got, he opened for the Stones and he got pelted with Michelob Ultra bottles.

• 59:48Speaker 06

  Really?

• 59:49Speaker 05

  So much so that he flew back to Paisley Park, which looks like a Macy's, if you ever go to it.

• 59:53Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 59:53Speaker 05

  And he flew back that night. He was like, never again.

• 59:56Speaker 06

  Wow.

• 59:57Speaker 05

  He was in like bikini bottoms and.

• 59:58Speaker 06

  Yeah, they didn't like the way that he presented clothing wise.

• 1:00:01Speaker 05

  Keith Richards says he was behaving like a king, even though he was just a prince.

• 1:00:06Speaker 06

  That's why he got pelted with the bottles, you think?

• 1:00:08Speaker 05

  According to Keith Richards.

• 1:00:09Speaker 06

  Yeah, I don't think that's probably why. I think it's because he looked gay at the Rolling Stones show.

• 1:00:12Speaker 05

  Gender bending, yeah.

• 1:00:14Speaker 06

  Yeah. Don't gender bend.

• 1:00:15Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:00:16Speaker 06

  Don't bend gender. If you want to open for the Rolling Stones is probably the headline.

• 1:00:21Speaker 05

  Open, don't open for anybody.

• 1:00:23Speaker 06

  I'm gonna bend gender, I think in my 40s.

• 1:00:25Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah?

• 1:00:26Speaker 06

  Yeah, right now I'm so locked in on boy. I think I'll do they. I think I'll do like a gender freak thing situation in the 40s.

• 1:00:31Speaker 05

  Long one?

• 1:00:32Speaker 06

  I'll freak it a little bit.

• 1:00:33Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:00:33Speaker 06

  Yeah, like maybe a rat tail with some beads in it. That'll be the beginning. That of course won't be the extent of it. I'm not, I'm not, that wouldn't be the extent of my gender freaking.

• 1:00:40Speaker 05

  40s are, for me, I'm gonna do the crop tops.

• 1:00:43Speaker 06

  You're gonna crop top in the 40s?

• 1:00:44Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:00:45Speaker 06

  Wow, you're turning 39 next week, a week or so from now?

• 1:00:48Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:00:48Speaker 06

  We're almost to crop tops.

• 1:00:50Speaker 05

  39.

• 1:00:52Speaker 06

  How do you feel?

• 1:00:53Speaker 05

  I don't, I don't think about it.

• 1:00:54Speaker 06

  You don't think about it?

• 1:00:55Speaker 05

  No, I feel good. I feel good. I was freaking out like a couple of years ago, but now I'm feeling like.

• 1:01:01Speaker 06

  You were freaking out a couple of years ago about your age?

• 1:01:02Speaker 05

  Yeah, and not accomplishing as much as I was hoping to. And then I felt like, you know what? I feel, I actually feel like expressed and like at peace with.

• 1:01:13Speaker 05

  Where I'm at age wise.

• 1:01:14Speaker 06

  What did you want to have accomplished that you didn't at that time?

• 1:01:17Speaker 05

  Oh, probably global superstardom.

• 1:01:19Speaker 06

  Don't piss me off.

• 1:01:20Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:01:20Speaker 06

  Is that really it?

• 1:01:21Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:01:21Speaker 06

  You wanted to be like play stadiums or something?

• 1:01:23Speaker 05

  Oh, totally Machiavellian for a while.

• 1:01:25Speaker 06

  Are you being completely serious with me?

• 1:01:26Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:01:27Speaker 06

  It doesn't feel like you at all.

• 1:01:28Speaker 05

  I'm accidentally niche. I mean, I was.

• 1:01:34Speaker 05

  I didn't want this.

• 1:01:35Speaker 06

  Yeah. Yeah. You didn't want to have to be here.

• 1:01:38Speaker 05

  No.

• 1:01:38Speaker 06

  You didn't want to be on the So True podcast. You wanted to be like, you want to be the guy.

• 1:01:41Speaker 05

  I wanted to be here, but yeah, I want to like Regis Philbin. I looked up to a lot of middle school. I used to wear his ties.

• 1:01:48Speaker 06

  Really?

• 1:01:49Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:01:49Speaker 06

  I don't find that part surprising at all.

• 1:01:50Speaker 05

  Now, what it is, it's, um, I get, I get recognized in a lot of Buffalo exchanges.

• 1:01:57Speaker 06

  Yeah, that makes sense.

• 1:01:58Speaker 05

  And Whole Foods, a lot of husbands glaring at me because their wife follows me.

• 1:02:02Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:02:02Speaker 05

  I've never clicked on a wife and it's not said follow back.

• 1:02:05Speaker 06

  Yeah. I cannot tell you the number of, it's 50 50 whether a straight guy is going to come up to me and be like, my biggest fan in the entire world, or my wife or girlfriend, and he won't admit to also liking my stuff.

• 1:02:18Speaker 05

  It's really insulting when they tell you someone else likes you.

• 1:02:21Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:02:22Speaker 05

  Yeah, like, but what about you, you know?

• 1:02:24Speaker 06

  Yeah. What do you think of me? They don't, they, they're like, can I get a picture for my girlfriend? I'm like, I guess. What's that going to do? I guess, yeah.

• 1:02:30Speaker 05

  You must be like getting, getting it everywhere.

• 1:02:34Speaker 06

  Uh.

• 1:02:35Speaker 05

  Airports?

• 1:02:36Speaker 06

  Yeah, it's, it's been, it's been a lot more in the last couple of years. I mean, yeah, that makes, that makes sense, I guess.

• 1:02:41Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:02:41Speaker 06

  I guess so. I try not to think, I like, you know, in Men in Black, when they do the thing and it wipes your memory?

• 1:02:46Speaker 05

  Well, they did it to me, so I don't remember, but yeah.

• 1:02:47Speaker 06

  I try to do that after every like, can I get a picture interaction?

• 1:02:52Speaker 05

  To yourself?

• 1:02:52Speaker 06

  Yeah, I try to just pretend it didn't happen.

• 1:02:54Speaker 05

  Because you don't want to build that.

• 1:02:55Speaker 06

  I don't want to become like a monster and I fear that I would if I really held on to that.

• 1:03:00Speaker 05

  For me, it just cures my posture a little bit more every time.

• 1:03:04Speaker 06

  You get a little bit more upright?

• 1:03:05Speaker 05

  Yeah, I get, yeah, yeah. I uncurl a little bit.

• 1:03:08Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:03:08Speaker 05

  Every time I get a little bit of that.

• 1:03:10Speaker 06

  How are your joints and bones?

• 1:03:11Speaker 05

  I'm very loose jointed.

• 1:03:13Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:03:14Speaker 05

  So they're pretty good.

• 1:03:16Speaker 05

  Have my dogs been out the whole?

• 1:03:17Speaker 06

  Yeah, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna turn you a little.

• 1:03:19Speaker 05

  Oh, sorry.

• 1:03:20Speaker 06

  I'm gonna turn you a little more to your camera just because it's a halfway visual medium. You and I have been slowly turning towards the fireplace the entire episode.

• 1:03:26Speaker 05

  Have I just been like a villain the whole time? Back to just seeing the back of my head?

• 1:03:29Speaker 06

  Yeah, you've, it's been like, your voice is going to be like this in the episode. Like you're like, you're informing on somebody?

• 1:03:34Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:03:35Speaker 06

  Do you think you would ever fall prey to a cult?

• 1:03:38Speaker 05

  Uh, no, I, uh, I would want to run it.

• 1:03:44Speaker 06

  I believe that I will start one.

• 1:03:45Speaker 05

  Same.

• 1:03:46Speaker 06

  I believe that I will start one.

• 1:03:47Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 1:03:47Speaker 06

  On a farm in Portugal.

• 1:03:50Speaker 06

  I believe, and I'm looking at properties. I believe I will start a cult on a, and I don't want to is the thing.

• 1:03:55Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:03:56Speaker 06

  I just don't think I have a choice.

• 1:03:58Speaker 05

  What would it be like?

• 1:03:58Speaker 06

  I think things will get weird enough.

• 1:04:00Speaker 05

  It wouldn't be sexual. I can tell that.

• 1:04:02Speaker 06

  Not at all.

• 1:04:03Speaker 05

  No, mine wouldn't be either.

• 1:04:04Speaker 06

  It would be sexual only in the way that everyone gets to sleep with whoever they want and you don't have to.

• 1:04:08Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:04:09Speaker 06

  I wouldn't do any of the stuff where you have to sleep with someone or you can't sleep with someone. It's normal life, normal world rules on sex.

• 1:04:15Speaker 05

  I could see you branding, but calling it a tattoo.

• 1:04:17Speaker 06

  100%.

• 1:04:18Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:04:19Speaker 06

  I think things will get weird enough in the States that I'll buy some property in Portugal.

• 1:04:22Speaker 05

  Yep.

• 1:04:23Speaker 06

  That seems imminent.

• 1:04:24Speaker 05

  You love property.

• 1:04:25Speaker 06

  I'm like not, I don't think I'm as low on the list of state enemies as I would like to be at the moment. I think I'm probably on there somewhere. And I think it's only gonna get weirder the more they start to eliminate people ahead of me.

• 1:04:36Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 1:04:36Speaker 06

  And then I'll buy some property in Portugal. I'll invite a bunch of people to hang out because I'll be bored.

• 1:04:41Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:04:42Speaker 06

  And then it'll be like, well, why don't you guys just live here? And they'll be like, we can't afford it. And I'll be like, I'll pay the bills, you know?

• 1:04:45Speaker 05

  Communal living.

• 1:04:46Speaker 06

  Yeah, we'll live commu-, you guys just work on the vegetables and I'll pay for the house.

• 1:04:50Speaker 05

  Anytime, anytime, uh, women can do that. You know, women can do communal living. Anytime a man gets involved, that's when the cult starts.

• 1:04:56Speaker 06

  You think so?

• 1:04:57Speaker 05

  Always. A community, yeah, women can understand community. We don't, we understand power and the women can do that.

• 1:05:03Speaker 06

  Am I crazy to think that I understand community?

• 1:05:06Speaker 05

  No, you under-, you under-, you, you, that's how the cult starts. That's how the cult starts.

• 1:05:10Speaker 06

  That's it.

• 1:05:10Speaker 05

  Yeah, we can understand community.

• 1:05:12Speaker 06

  But I'm, it's about power, really.

• 1:05:13Speaker 05

  We're too ego driven.

• 1:05:14Speaker 06

  That's so scary. You might be right. I like to think I understand community, but I guess maybe underneath it is about power. Maybe I really would, but this is what I'm saying. It would turn into a cult. I know that it would.

• 1:05:23Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:05:23Speaker 06

  Everyone moves to Portugal. They can't go home because things have gotten weird.

• 1:05:26Speaker 05

  Who would be your, who would be your, um, uh, ma, don Sheila?

• 1:05:29Speaker 06

  Holmes.

• 1:05:30Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:05:31Speaker 06

  Holmes.

• 1:05:32Speaker 05

  Yeah, cuz that, that is the hardest position in the cult. Cuz you just kind of can do that.

• 1:05:38Speaker 06

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 1:05:40Speaker 05

  Holmes has to do the executive functions.

• 1:05:42Speaker 06

  Executions and stuff, yeah.

• 1:05:43Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:05:43Speaker 06

  Well, yeah.

• 1:05:44Speaker 05

  Oh, executions.

• 1:05:45Speaker 06

  Well, eventually there'll be executions. I don't want, I can't stress enough, I don't want there to be, I don't want it to be a cult. I'm just saying, yeah, eventually, like, I'm gonna be like, that person's really getting on my nerves. And then Holmes is gonna be like, I'll handle it. And then they're gonna wind up dead. I like, I don't want it to.

• 1:05:59Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:06:00Speaker 06

  But that's, of course, where things are headed.

• 1:06:01Speaker 05

  That's a much more optimistic vision for your future. I have two visions for my future.

• 1:06:05Speaker 06

  Tell me both.

• 1:06:06Speaker 05

  When I'm eventually canceled for dead naming myself, I, I think that.

• 1:06:10Speaker 06

  When I'm eventually canceled for dead naming myself.

• 1:06:13Speaker 05

  Yes, I think that I will end up, for me, what I see is, uh, a couple of things. Giving bath bomb reviews from a low-security jail.

• 1:06:22Speaker 06

  Yeah, I see that.

• 1:06:23Speaker 05

  Or finding myself in a misery situation.

• 1:06:26Speaker 06

  Which one?

• 1:06:27Speaker 05

  The.

• 1:06:28Speaker 06

  Kathy Bates or the guy?

• 1:06:29Speaker 05

  The guy. Oh, yeah.

• 1:06:31Speaker 06

  I feel bad that I don't remember his, James Caan, of course.

• 1:06:33Speaker 05

  You haven't, have you looked in the eyes of a supporter of yours and been like, they would misery me?

• 1:06:39Speaker 06

  I, I actually, and I'm not kidding, I just told a close friend the other day, I'm almost certain I'll get killed by a fan.

• 1:06:44Speaker 05

  Same, I've, I've talked about this.

• 1:06:45Speaker 06

  I'm not kidding.

• 1:06:46Speaker 05

  I've met, I've met one in particular where I was like, well, that's how I'm gonna go.

• 1:06:51Speaker 05

  And there's a peace in that. It's like, it's like when you meet a friendly, when, when people truly have ghost interactions.

• 1:06:56Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:06:56Speaker 05

  They're not, they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, yeah, there's a, there's a tap dancing woman upstairs. They're, that's how you feel when you meet the person who will kill you.

• 1:07:04Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:07:06Speaker 05

  You know.

• 1:07:06Speaker 06

  I wanna be the fan that kills you. I wanna do it.

• 1:07:10Speaker 05

  A mercy killing?

• 1:07:11Speaker 06

  Yeah, I just when the time is right. I, I don't wanna do it too soon.

• 1:07:14Speaker 05

  My parents considered mercy killing me.

• 1:07:16Speaker 06

  Really?

• 1:07:17Speaker 05

  No, no.

• 1:07:18Speaker 06

  Because what if?

• 1:07:19Speaker 05

  Sorry.

• 1:07:20Speaker 06

  I would be really interested.

• 1:07:21Speaker 05

  As a child, I saw this.

• 1:07:21Speaker 06

  When you got your knee surgery.

• 1:07:22Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:07:22Speaker 06

  They're like, we gotta just end it now.

• 1:07:24Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:07:24Speaker 06

  It's only gonna get weirder.

• 1:07:25Speaker 05

  You gotta.

• 1:07:26Speaker 06

  I, I do. I do not want to kill you, but if someone has to, do you know what I mean?

• 1:07:31Speaker 05

  Totally.

• 1:07:31Speaker 06

  Like if I found out that you-

• 1:07:32Speaker 05

  Cuckoo's Nest.

• 1:07:32Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:07:33Speaker 05

  You would, you know, in the end of cuckoo's nest, we don't want to give spoilers, but-

• 1:07:36Speaker 06

  Yeah, don't spoil.

• 1:07:37Speaker 05

  If I get lobotomized, or like if I start doing too much spawn con-

• 1:07:42Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:07:42Speaker 05

  Cuckoo's Nest me.

• 1:07:44Speaker 06

  Depends on how much you make and I need to see the figures.

• 1:07:45Speaker 05

  Well, remember I was gonna do that thing I told you about, but that fell through last year.

• 1:07:49Speaker 06

  I don't remember it now, I'm so sorry.

• 1:07:51Speaker 05

  I was gonna be a Peter Pan for a certain type of company.

• 1:07:53Speaker 06

  You were gonna be a Peter Pan for a certain-

• 1:07:54Speaker 05

  They were gonna get me a horse I was gonna get to ride in Dallas.

• 1:07:56Speaker 06

  You did not tell me this. You did not tell me this.

• 1:07:59Speaker 05

  It was, yeah, it was gonna be a life-changing sum of money and unfortunately it fell through.

• 1:08:03Speaker 06

  I-

• 1:08:04Speaker 05

  I was gonna sell out so big.

• 1:08:06Speaker 06

  I just had a brand deal fall through.

• 1:08:07Speaker 05

  You what?

• 1:08:08Speaker 06

  I just had a brand deal fall through.

• 1:08:09Speaker 05

  What brand?

• 1:08:09Speaker 06

  I don't think I'm allowed to talk about it.

• 1:08:10Speaker 05

  Panera?

• 1:08:11Speaker 06

  I think they're paying me a certain amount of money and the part of the deal will be that I don't talk about it.

• 1:08:14Speaker 05

  Oh shit, is that what I got the kill fee for?

• 1:08:20Speaker 06

  I'm playing it safe because I want that check, but yeah, they, they asked me, there was a company that asked me to do a commercial for them for a large amount of money and I was like, sure. And then, uh, they were like, oof, we just found out that Caleb talks about politics.

• 1:08:36Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 1:08:37Speaker 06

  Ooh, change of plans, we're not gonna pay him and he's not working. And then I was like, I think we'll sue you. Like everyone was like, should we sue them? And I was like, I think we sue them.

• 1:08:48Speaker 05

  You're suing?

• 1:08:48Speaker 06

  No, we threatened to sue and then they, now they're paying me.

• 1:08:50Speaker 05

  You're litigious.

• 1:08:51Speaker 06

  But the, it was really funny because I was like, how did you not, that's like the number one, it's the most, I imagine when you Google me, it must be something that comes up in the first two clicks.

• 1:09:00Speaker 05

  How political you are.

• 1:09:01Speaker 06

  That I'm talking about politics.

• 1:09:03Speaker 05

  Completely.

• 1:09:03Speaker 06

  I can't imagine that it's not coming up for you.

• 1:09:05Speaker 05

  So are they just seeing your followership? Or maybe they seen one clip?

• 1:09:08Speaker 06

  I don't know what they saw, but I do know that I'm now getting paid to not do anything for them and I'm pretty pleased about it.

• 1:09:13Speaker 05

  Isn't that weird that we have no idea what people are seeing? Like, because when like your stuff gets put on TikTok, that's not even through you, like, people are seeing shit that we don't even know about things that we've done.

• 1:09:22Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:09:22Speaker 05

  Or said.

• 1:09:23Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:09:24Speaker 05

  It's so weird.

• 1:09:25Speaker 06

  People quote things I've said to me.

• 1:09:26Speaker 05

  That you don't remember.

• 1:09:27Speaker 06

  That I do not remember.

• 1:09:28Speaker 05

  All the time.

• 1:09:28Speaker 06

  I black out on, when I'm on So True, I black out.

• 1:09:30Speaker 05

  For me, the really embarrassing thing is people will say that, I'm like,

• 1:09:35Speaker 06

  You laugh.

• 1:09:36Speaker 05

  And they're like, you said that.

• 1:09:37Speaker 06

  They're like, that's your joke, Chris.

• 1:09:38Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:09:38Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:09:38Speaker 05

  That's funny shit.

• 1:09:39Speaker 06

  You are good. That makes sense.

• 1:09:42Speaker 05

  It's hard to remember the things that you say.

• 1:09:44Speaker 06

  Nobody likes my jokes more than me.

• 1:09:46Speaker 05

  Same.

• 1:09:47Speaker 06

  I love my jokes.

• 1:09:48Speaker 05

  That's, that's, I think that's the best part of it.

• 1:09:50Speaker 06

  I think my little bits are really fun.

• 1:09:52Speaker 05

  They are really fun.

• 1:09:53Speaker 06

  I really enjoy them. And I'm, by the way, I'm not even really, really talking about like my jokes. I'm talking about like, when I'm like hanging out with friends and I have some stupid little like, verbal tic that I keep doing, I will laugh so fucking hard at my own little.

• 1:10:08Speaker 05

  That's the key to happiness.

• 1:10:09Speaker 06

  It's, I love hanging out with me.

• 1:10:11Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:10:11Speaker 06

  Have a blast with that guy.

• 1:10:12Speaker 05

  You're like the couple from The Notebook.

• 1:10:14Speaker 06

  How do you mean?

• 1:10:15Speaker 05

  You're, you're that in one.

• 1:10:17Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 1:10:17Speaker 05

  It's like a romantic thing.

• 1:10:19Speaker 06

  In love with myself?

• 1:10:20Speaker 05

  No, it's like, it's like that, I definitely image that I had, James Garner and Rachel McAdams. Older.

• 1:10:26Speaker 06

  Do you?

• 1:10:28Speaker 05

  James Garner.

• 1:10:29Speaker 06

  James Garner.

• 1:10:31Speaker 06

  I, I don't.

• 1:10:32Speaker 05

  You know, in The Notebook?

• 1:10:32Speaker 06

  I'm pretty sure it was Ryan Gosling.

• 1:10:34Speaker 05

  Oh, oh, we're talking the, when, but the, when they're old.

• 1:10:37Speaker 06

  Is that the old guy's name?

• 1:10:38Speaker 05

  I think.

• 1:10:38Speaker 06

  James Garner? Can we Google old guy notebook name?

• 1:10:42Speaker 05

  He was also in Maverick with Jodie, with Foster.

• 1:10:46Speaker 06

  Come on. Noah Calhoun by James Garner.

• 1:10:49Speaker 05

  Thank God.

• 1:10:50Speaker 06

  Will you click James Garner? I'd like to see a little about him.

• 1:10:52Speaker 05

  Oh, he's great.

• 1:10:54Speaker 06

  Oh, wow. He's been acting for a long time.

• 1:10:56Speaker 05

  Look at that.

• 1:10:57Speaker 06

  He's 86 years old.

• 1:10:59Speaker 05

  He's still with us? No, he's not.

• 1:11:01Speaker 06

  Oh, no. No, he passed.

• 1:11:03Speaker 05

  Very much not, yeah.

• 1:11:04Speaker 06

  Passed quite a while. Oh, he passed when he was 86. Oh, that's terrible.

• 1:11:08Speaker 05

  You ever see Maverick? You would love Maverick.

• 1:11:09Speaker 06

  Oh, he was married for a long time. 1956 to 2014, he was married. He died married. Oh, boy. Click, click his wife.

• 1:11:21Speaker 06

  You know what?

• 1:11:21Speaker 05

  Lois Clark, as in Lois and Clark?

• 1:11:23Speaker 06

  I'd watch. Yeah, they're cute together. I like them. Oh, click that one right below that one, Nicole. Put this one up. Put this picture up when we, when we put the episode out. Put this picture up when we put the episode out. Hey, now, come on.

• 1:11:36Speaker 05

  That's us.

• 1:11:37Speaker 06

  That's us.

• 1:11:38Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's me on the left.

• 1:11:39Speaker 06

  I was gonna say, it's pretty clear who's who.

• 1:11:40Speaker 05

  Yeah, I don't need to say.

• 1:11:41Speaker 06

  You know what?

• 1:11:42Speaker 05

  What?

• 1:11:43Speaker 06

  I, I don't know if this will happen or not. I don't think it will based on my entire vibe and how I am.

• 1:11:46Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 1:11:47Speaker 06

  But I did consider becoming a shirt and tie guy.

• 1:11:49Speaker 05

  Ooh.

• 1:11:50Speaker 06

  Like a guy who wears shirts and ties a lot. This occurred to me about a week and a half ago.

• 1:11:55Speaker 05

  If you did that around New York, the Safdees would put you in something like that. You would.

• 1:12:00Speaker 06

  Well, they're putting like people from Shark Tank in movies. Like, I don't think that's perceived anymore.

• 1:12:03Speaker 05

  They're going in the sewers for their casting.

• 1:12:05Speaker 06

  They're grabbing guys from the bodega. I, I wanna be a shirt and tie guy, though. I'm considering it.

• 1:12:10Speaker 05

  That's a really good idea.

• 1:12:11Speaker 06

  Like, just on a Tuesday, just out for dinner?

• 1:12:13Speaker 05

  I feel like you gotta, here's what it is.

• 1:12:15Speaker 06

  Say it.

• 1:12:16Speaker 05

  You, your style, and this is the thing about style, if you like something, it's like the joy that you feel about an article of clothing. Like, you have good style because you like the things that you wear, I presume. And if you could do, if you wanna do shirt and tie, you wanna do poodle skirt. It doesn't matter what you're doing. You wanna do hazmat suit?

• 1:12:31Speaker 06

  Poodle skirt?

• 1:12:31Speaker 05

  It doesn't matter. If you want, if you like it.

• 1:12:33Speaker 06

  It would work.

• 1:12:34Speaker 05

  That's gonna be style.

• 1:12:35Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:12:35Speaker 05

  So you in a certain, I mean, you would wear suits on the road, remember?

• 1:12:39Speaker 06

  I did the last tour. I felt like I had to.

• 1:12:41Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:12:41Speaker 06

  Playing theaters, I just felt so like, I felt such a massive responsibility.

• 1:12:46Speaker 05

  It's.

• 1:12:47Speaker 06

  I was like, I can't believe you guys are paying for this.

• 1:12:48Speaker 05

  And driving there?

• 1:12:49Speaker 06

  I want to like, I was like, you're coming, like, I was like, I need to like.

• 1:12:52Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:12:52Speaker 06

  I need to do good. I must wear a tie.

• 1:12:54Speaker 05

  You can't show up in your PJs like you're gonna take the SATs.

• 1:12:56Speaker 06

  I might next time.

• 1:12:57Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:12:57Speaker 06

  The tie thing got.

• 1:12:58Speaker 05

  You've afforded that.

• 1:12:59Speaker 06

  The tie and the jacket thing got old quick. I would say night four of the like 27 night tour, I said, this was a mistake.

• 1:13:06Speaker 05

  I got a picture of you looking like Willy Loman backstage.

• 1:13:08Speaker 06

  I don't know who that is.

• 1:13:09Speaker 05

  Death of a salesman.

• 1:13:10Speaker 06

  I don't, I, he's a character?

• 1:13:12Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:13:13Speaker 06

  I haven't seen it.

• 1:13:14Speaker 05

  No, it's a play. I, I, I.

• 1:13:16Speaker 06

  I know it's a play. I haven't seen it.

• 1:13:17Speaker 05

  I read, I read plays just cuz I, it's faster than books.

• 1:13:20Speaker 06

  You read plays?

• 1:13:21Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:13:22Speaker 06

  Chris, you're so, this is what I'm talking about.

• 1:13:23Speaker 05

  No, no, no, no, no, it's a cheat. It's a cheat.

• 1:13:25Speaker 06

  I'm not smart.

• 1:13:25Speaker 05

  Caleb, you are just.

• 1:13:26Speaker 06

  I need to be like you.

• 1:13:27Speaker 05

  No, you got the brain that I don't have any access to. You got the civics brain.

• 1:13:31Speaker 06

  I did. I do have politics brain.

• 1:13:33Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:13:33Speaker 06

  You're right. But I wanna have reading a play brain. What are you talking about? You're doing that just for, to be, for fun?

• 1:13:38Speaker 05

  Uh, I do, I just, I love plays.

• 1:13:40Speaker 06

  What's your favorite one you've ever read?

• 1:13:41Speaker 05

  Oh, Burn This.

• 1:13:43Speaker 06

  Would you ever do a play with me?

• 1:13:45Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:13:46Speaker 06

  No.

• 1:13:46Speaker 05

  Oh, we could do burn this.

• 1:13:48Speaker 06

  What's burning?

• 1:13:49Speaker 05

  Oh, oh.

• 1:13:52Speaker 06

  What's burning?

• 1:13:52Speaker 05

  Oh, I could play the coked out guy that John Malkovich played.

• 1:13:56Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:13:56Speaker 05

  And then, oh my God, and you would be the friend. This is, this is brilliant.

• 1:14:00Speaker 06

  I don't think I want to be the friend. You're like, you're like, I'll play the interesting guy who's coked out.

• 1:14:06Speaker 05

  The friend, the friend is the. You'll play the acquaintance. The friend is the lead, or you would be the lead. And I come in occasion, I don't enter till I think even act two.

• 1:14:12Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:14:13Speaker 05

  And then, and then, and then I burn bright fast and then I'm out, but it's, you would be carrying it.

• 1:14:17Speaker 06

  I just told Mateo Lane that I would do a musical with him. And then when it kind of circled back around, I said, I didn't mean it.

• 1:14:22Speaker 05

  No, because the way the light's gonna hit those biceps.

• 1:14:26Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:14:26Speaker 05

  You can't, it's like having an animal on stage. You can't compete with that.

• 1:14:30Speaker 06

  Yeah, that's right. But that's the same with you. I'm not gonna be able to compete with your energy.

• 1:14:33Speaker 05

  Yes, you are.

• 1:14:33Speaker 06

  Your energy and your gorgeous locks.

• 1:14:35Speaker 05

  They're gonna, they're gonna, I'm gonna be bald by then and they're gonna be tired of my energy. That's where you come in. No, I felt like, I know, I think we had a good thing on stage together.

• 1:14:45Speaker 06

  Me and you?

• 1:14:45Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:14:46Speaker 06

  Oh, I feel that we do.

• 1:14:46Speaker 05

  Yeah, we definitely do. Then we just need a woman.

• 1:14:50Speaker 06

  Oh, let's not do it. I don't wanna, I, what woman would we hang out with?

• 1:14:55Speaker 05

  I can't think of one.

• 1:14:56Speaker 06

  Do you know any? Nicole? Nicole, will you do it?

• 1:15:01Speaker 05

  Perfect.

• 1:15:01Speaker 06

  It's done.

• 1:15:02Speaker 05

  Well, that would be the lead, the other lead.

• 1:15:06Speaker 06

  Friend of the friend.

• 1:15:07Speaker 05

  I forget her name.

• 1:15:08Speaker 06

  Who, what, wait, what woman would we cast in it? Let's make it a woman we don't know.

• 1:15:11Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 1:15:11Speaker 06

  Well, give me, give me two qualities of the woman.

• 1:15:13Speaker 05

  Alicia Vikander.

• 1:15:14Speaker 06

  Yeah, it's done. Yeah, yeah, it's done.

• 1:15:18Speaker 05

  I want that house so bad.

• 1:15:19Speaker 06

  House?

• 1:15:20Speaker 05

  Hmm, and the Ex Machina house?

• 1:15:22Speaker 06

  I haven't seen it.

• 1:15:23Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:15:24Speaker 06

  Ex Machina.

• 1:15:25Speaker 05

  Alicia Vikander's a robot that lives in the most exquisite house you've ever seen.

• 1:15:28Speaker 06

  She's a robot with a house?

• 1:15:29Speaker 05

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:15:30Speaker 06

  Or she belongs to the house?

• 1:15:31Speaker 05

  She was built in the house. She's an AI.

• 1:15:33Speaker 06

  She's an AI.

• 1:15:34Speaker 05

  Yeah, this was, this was 2016 AI.

• 1:15:36Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:15:37Speaker 05

  So she's hot as hell.

• 1:15:38Speaker 06

  Ex Machina, she's a hot AI who has a house?

• 1:15:41Speaker 05

  And the guy, Domnall Gleeson, is this classic San Francisco guy who could get catfished by a Waymo. And he falls in love with this robot. You put, you put fake lashes on the headlights of a Waymo.

• 1:15:53Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:15:54Speaker 05

  It could catfish any guy in San Francisco.

• 1:15:57Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:15:57Speaker 05

  He gets, falls in love with this AI. And Oscar Isaac built it and he's a, he's a psycho.

• 1:16:04Speaker 06

  You know, I just learned that a famous Hollywood actor has an AI girlfriend.

• 1:16:07Speaker 05

  Me too.

• 1:16:09Speaker 05

  And we can talk about that after.

• 1:16:15Speaker 06

  Right.

• 1:16:16Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:16:16Speaker 06

  So what's going on with that?

• 1:16:18Speaker 05

  We'll give a clue.

• 1:16:19Speaker 06

  Everyone's talking about it.

• 1:16:20Speaker 05

  Mr. Tumnus.

• 1:16:24Speaker 06

  But what is going on with that?

• 1:16:25Speaker 05

  He's bringing it to like, uh...

• 1:16:26Speaker 06

  He's telling people about it.

• 1:16:27Speaker 05

  And he's bringing it to the restaurant.

• 1:16:31Speaker 06

  People are so humiliating.

• 1:16:35Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:16:36Speaker 06

  But this is good for the culture, actually.

• 1:16:38Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 1:16:38Speaker 06

  We need celebrities to be more insane.

• 1:16:39Speaker 05

  Cause it will be so destructive. It's gonna, the best way to stop something is to sexually turn people off to it.

• 1:16:46Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 1:16:46Speaker 05

  And this, the way that that makes me wanna sterile, get sterilized.

• 1:16:49Speaker 06

  Yeah. But I do, I want celebrities to start being insane again. I'm tired of, I'm bored with them. I've said this many times.

• 1:16:56Speaker 05

  Of course.

• 1:16:56Speaker 06

  I'm bored with these people. They're fu, they're boring.

• 1:16:58Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:16:59Speaker 06

  We need people to be insane again. I want public beef.

• 1:17:01Speaker 05

  Yeah, we need someone taking a nine iron to a windshield.

• 1:17:04Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:17:04Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:17:05Speaker 06

  You know what? I'm gonna say it. Jordan Firstman sounding off on The Heated Rivalry guys over sort of nothing.

• 1:17:10Speaker 05

  Absolutely.

• 1:17:11Speaker 06

  I loved it.

• 1:17:12Speaker 05

  Oh, absolutely.

• 1:17:12Speaker 06

  I thought it was awesome.

• 1:17:13Speaker 05

  But then didn't he have to bring them like an ice cream sundae?

• 1:17:15Speaker 06

  Yeah, they had to like smoke cigarettes at an event together or something.

• 1:17:17Speaker 05

  Cause Zaslov was like, say you're sorry.

• 1:17:21Speaker 06

  Yeah, well, they had to, cause they're all gay guys who work for the company, but...

• 1:17:23Speaker 05

  Have you seen it?

• 1:17:24Speaker 06

  I haven't seen, uh, Heated Rivalry, no.

• 1:17:26Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:17:27Speaker 06

  Have you?

• 1:17:27Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:17:28Speaker 06

  How was it?

• 1:17:29Speaker 05

  Unbelievable.

• 1:17:30Speaker 06

  Did you find yourself horny?

• 1:17:31Speaker 05

  No, I found myself weeping by episode five.

• 1:17:34Speaker 06

  So that's not what I've been hearing.

• 1:17:36Speaker 05

  Well, I do think it's, I could be wrong. I do think it's more for the feminine sexuality, cause I think, what I've learned from it is I, the way women talk about it. It's like, I think a woman's biggest kink is time.

• 1:17:52Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:17:54Speaker 05

  And it's all about like...

• 1:17:55Speaker 06

  I don't, I don't know that I understand this show. I thought...

• 1:17:58Speaker 05

  It's all about, time is, is the biggest character in this.

• 1:18:03Speaker 06

  They play hockey in it.

• 1:18:04Speaker 05

  Yeah, but it's mostly about, three weeks later, eight weeks later, twenty, like, it's, you wouldn't believe how many time jumps it is and how long it takes for them to...

• 1:18:14Speaker 06

  It's a slow burn.

• 1:18:14Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:18:15Speaker 06

  Women like a slow burn.

• 1:18:17Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:18:17Speaker 06

  I think, from what I've learned about women, and I've, I've spent time with several...

• 1:18:20Speaker 05

  Long game.

• 1:18:21Speaker 06

  They like the long game.

• 1:18:22Speaker 05

  Long game, yeah.

• 1:18:23Speaker 06

  Yeah, okay.

• 1:18:23Speaker 05

  But you should watch it. It is, I mean...

• 1:18:25Speaker 06

  I've heard it's great.

• 1:18:26Speaker 05

  You're gonna do the accent non-stop.

• 1:18:27Speaker 06

  Uh, the Russian one?

• 1:18:28Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:18:28Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 1:18:29Speaker 05

  Olander.

• 1:18:30Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:18:30Speaker 05

  Olander. You do retail fold after we hook up?

• 1:18:34Speaker 05

  Yeah, I worked at Aeropostale.

• 1:18:37Speaker 06

  Wait, he talks like that, the other one?

• 1:18:38Speaker 05

  The other one is like, he's really, oh.

• 1:18:41Speaker 06

  Oh, he's like whiny?

• 1:18:42Speaker 05

  Fine.

• 1:18:42Speaker 06

  Oh, so he's the bottom.

• 1:18:43Speaker 05

  Paul Under, I need you to relax.

• 1:18:45Speaker 06

  Is he the bottom?

• 1:18:47Speaker 05

  They're verse, they're, yeah, I think.

• 1:18:49Speaker 06

  He's the bottom.

• 1:18:50Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:18:51Speaker 06

  Right? I mean, I haven't seen it. Thank you, Tony.

• 1:18:53Speaker 05

  You're not gonna love this.

• 1:18:54Speaker 06

  What?

• 1:18:55Speaker 05

  The Russian's a clown, in reality, the one who plays.

• 1:18:58Speaker 06

  Oh, the real guy, the actor?

• 1:19:00Speaker 05

  Took, did clown in LA.

• 1:19:02Speaker 06

  Of course. Everyone has a moment. I mean, of course, I got to a dark enough place. I got to, I never took the class, but I clicked around. I clicked in, I saw the details of the clown class.

• 1:19:12Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:19:12Speaker 06

  It's like the artist's way. You have to get to a dark enough moment. You have to get to the lowest cavern of your life.

• 1:19:17Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:19:18Speaker 06

  You, you'll find yourself doing morning pages with a gun on the desk, you know? This is what, yeah, this is what, this is what these things are.

• 1:19:26Speaker 05

  Yes, I did the morning pages, of course.

• 1:19:28Speaker 06

  Of course, I did them and it did almost nothing for me, but I.

• 1:19:32Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:19:32Speaker 06

  Loved it, because it was something that other people had done and I thought that was nice.

• 1:19:37Speaker 05

  Completely.

• 1:19:38Speaker 06

  I was participating, you know?

• 1:19:39Speaker 05

  Well, there's, there's a lot of things that would be cool if this were the seventies.

• 1:19:43Speaker 06

  And you think the morning pages is one of them?

• 1:19:44Speaker 05

  Clown, I'm thinking.

• 1:19:45Speaker 06

  You seen Jonah Hill's weight loss?

• 1:19:47Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:19:48Speaker 06

  He got small for that role.

• 1:19:49Speaker 05

  What role?

• 1:19:50Speaker 06

  Some role. He got small again.

• 1:19:52Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:19:53Speaker 06

  We're not supposed to talk about it, but I just was surprised I saw a photograph.

• 1:19:56Speaker 05

  Yeah, I was surprised by the camo he was in. He was in a lot of camo.

• 1:19:59Speaker 06

  He was wearing camo? I haven't seen this.

• 1:20:01Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:20:01Speaker 06

  Maybe I didn't see because he was just so, so small.

• 1:20:04Speaker 05

  I couldn't believe my eyes.

• 1:20:05Speaker 06

  They don't want you to talk, we're not supposed to talk about it. I know that that's not.

• 1:20:07Speaker 05

  We're not?

• 1:20:07Speaker 06

  Weight loss, we're not supposed to anymore.

• 1:20:09Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 1:20:09Speaker 06

  I would been, I've learned, you know, people, you're not supposed to talk about it, but I have saw that he got quite small.

• 1:20:16Speaker 06

  I'm noticing, you know, when people get smaller, I notice.

• 1:20:18Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:20:19Speaker 06

  And I wonder, are they on the stuff, the drugs?

• 1:20:21Speaker 05

  I like when, I like when they get smaller.

• 1:20:23Speaker 06

  Shorter?

• 1:20:24Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:20:24Speaker 06

  Like aging?

• 1:20:25Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. I think I'm going.

• 1:20:28Speaker 06

  You think so?

• 1:20:29Speaker 05

  What are you, 6'2"?

• 1:20:30Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:20:30Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:20:31Speaker 06

  You think I'll get smaller?

• 1:20:33Speaker 05

  We are. We're getting smaller, nose is gonna keep growing, ears keep growing. I think.

• 1:20:39Speaker 06

  Is that true?

• 1:20:39Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:20:40Speaker 06

  Nose keeps growing.

• 1:20:41Speaker 05

  You have been in Europe.

• 1:20:42Speaker 06

  Is that true that nose keeps growing? The nose.

• 1:20:45Speaker 05

  Is that true?

• 1:20:46Speaker 06

  The nose keeps growing.

• 1:20:47Speaker 05

  Yeah, supposedly.

• 1:20:47Speaker 06

  There's a chance as big as complain about me every time I come back from Europe, I have a new ti- like a new like verbal tic. I have a new thing I say.

• 1:20:53Speaker 05

  Are you dropping cheers?

• 1:20:54Speaker 06

  Oh cheers, yeah, I'll do, I'll do anything it takes. I mean, I just learned, I learned things over there.

• 1:21:00Speaker 05

  Did you go to England? No.

• 1:21:01Speaker 06

  No, I can't go to England anymore.

• 1:21:03Speaker 05

  Neither can I.

• 1:21:04Speaker 06

  I've been too many times and I.

• 1:21:06Speaker 05

  They're so cold, nine to five, and then they have their first bottle of wine and in the streets, a woman, they're not talking to me all day. And then the second I go outside, when it's dark out, a woman comes up to me, she says, let's have a look at you, love, tears my jacket open. And her husband's just like.

• 1:21:24Speaker 06

  Yeah, he's mad.

• 1:21:25Speaker 05

  Yeah, rolling his eyes.

• 1:21:26Speaker 06

  I did go to Dublin. Everybody Irish hates, they're so embarrassed and sorry to be Irish.

• 1:21:32Speaker 05

  Really?

• 1:21:32Speaker 06

  Have you noticed this?

• 1:21:33Speaker 05

  I know one guy who has a lot to say.

• 1:21:36Speaker 06

  They say, uh.

• 1:21:37Speaker 05

  About the homeland.

• 1:21:38Speaker 06

  They say, what, what are you doing in Dublin? Oh, I'm so sorry you have to be here. I'm like, I'm having a decent time. They're just, they can't believe that you've come. They don't want you to.

• 1:21:45Speaker 05

  You made a mistake.

• 1:21:45Speaker 06

  They are so, yeah, they're really, they're an interesting people, the Irish.

• 1:21:49Speaker 05

  You were just there?

• 1:21:50Speaker 06

  I went there before Amsterdam.

• 1:21:52Speaker 05

  Ooh.

• 1:21:52Speaker 06

  I was there, I had a nice time.

• 1:21:54Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:21:54Speaker 06

  Went to a castle for New Year's. Had a lovely time.

• 1:21:57Speaker 05

  Wait, you were gone that whole time?

• 1:21:59Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 1:22:00Speaker 05

  You just got back?

• 1:22:01Speaker 06

  I got back yesterday, Chris.

• 1:22:03Speaker 05

  Gee, I feel like.

• 1:22:03Speaker 06

  There's nobody in the world that I would have done a podcast with today, other than you.

• 1:22:06Speaker 05

  I feel like you also did like a crazy flight last time we talked and you said it was, you said it felt like there was a gas leak in the room because you were so tired from the plane.

• 1:22:13Speaker 06

  Yeah, what was that though? Was that just coming to LA?

• 1:22:16Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:22:16Speaker 06

  I think I found out later on after that episode that I had a COVID and something else.

• 1:22:24Speaker 06

  I think after that, I was like, oh, I feel so crazy. And then I think I found out like a week later that I had like three illnesses.

• 1:22:28Speaker 05

  You kept like, you kept kind of like collapsing into your chair.

• 1:22:31Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:22:31Speaker 05

  And being like, I don't know what's going on.

• 1:22:33Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:22:34Speaker 05

  But something's wrong with me.

• 1:22:35Speaker 06

  I was very unwell. Yeah.

• 1:22:38Speaker 05

  I thought it, I, okay, okay. I thought it was like a combination of me and jet lag.

• 1:22:44Speaker 06

  No, I thought there was a gas leak in the room and then I think I found out that it was a jet lag and I had a couple of illnesses.

• 1:22:49Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:22:49Speaker 06

  Me and a handbag of illnesses.

• 1:22:52Speaker 05

  Totally.

• 1:22:52Speaker 06

  And jet lag.

• 1:22:53Speaker 05

  Totally.

• 1:22:53Speaker 06

  And by the way, jet, getting jet lag going from New York to LA is humiliating. Like not like you shouldn't really be that affected by the fight. It's like you've slept on the plane overnight. It was red eye. You're fine.

• 1:23:04Speaker 05

  Oh, you took a red?

• 1:23:05Speaker 06

  Or something. You know what I mean? It's like you take them at the right times.

• 1:23:08Speaker 05

  Planes fuck me up.

• 1:23:09Speaker 06

  Yeah, do they?

• 1:23:10Speaker 05

  Oh, so bad.

• 1:23:11Speaker 06

  I didn't enjoy my flight here from I the flight back was tough. We spent too long on the runway, so my edible wore off. And then I couldn't sleep on the actual flight, so I was just up and the wifi was spotty. So I couldn't really get anything done.

• 1:23:22Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:23:23Speaker 06

  And I had a gay guy flight attendant and he wasn't charmed by me.

• 1:23:28Speaker 05

  You tried to charm him?

• 1:23:29Speaker 06

  Always. I love to have the flight attendants be on my side. Usually if I have an older woman, we'll get on like a house on fire.

• 1:23:35Speaker 05

  They hate me.

• 1:23:36Speaker 06

  The flight attendants.

• 1:23:37Speaker 05

  The last one I had, she yelled at me, you had one job to do.

• 1:23:40Speaker 06

  What?

• 1:23:40Speaker 05

  I was I was supposed to stay seated to lead an example to for no one else to get up.

• 1:23:47Speaker 06

  What?

• 1:23:47Speaker 05

  I was at the front of the plane.

• 1:23:49Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:23:49Speaker 05

  And I got up to do I was tinkering.

• 1:23:52Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:23:52Speaker 05

  And she yelled, she yelled at me, you had one job.

• 1:23:56Speaker 06

  When was it expressed to you that this was your job?

• 1:23:58Speaker 05

  Immediately.

• 1:23:59Speaker 06

  She told you that your job is to not say that?

• 1:24:00Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:24:01Speaker 06

  I've never been on a flight where it's like something like this has happened.

• 1:24:03Speaker 05

  It was eerily empty to the flight. It was like, there was like 30 of us.

• 1:24:06Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:24:06Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:24:07Speaker 06

  I've never been given like a chore when I got on the plane. You have a special relationship with strangers because that has never happened to me.

• 1:24:14Speaker 05

  I have a horrible relationship with flight attendants.

• 1:24:16Speaker 06

  Really?

• 1:24:17Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:24:17Speaker 06

  I usually don't. There's a couple of bad eggs. I've talked about it on the show. There's a couple of bad eggs. Me and some flight attendants have gotten into it. Mostly we have a lovely time, but gay guy flight attendants, they're either like, they're either like so gay guy and they know my work and love me.

• 1:24:30Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 1:24:30Speaker 06

  And they're like, Diva, to have you on my flight is a delight, you know?

• 1:24:33Speaker 05

  Or they're like a TGI Fridays gay guy.

• 1:24:37Speaker 06

  Yeah, I'm a, I'm a TGI Fridays gay guy, Chris.

• 1:24:40Speaker 05

  No, but you're, when I say that, I'm thinking of a.

• 1:24:45Speaker 06

  You don't have to walk it back. I'm a TGI Fridays gay guy.

• 1:24:49Speaker 05

  Wait, but what?

• 1:24:49Speaker 06

  If there was a Jack Dammler sampler here right now, I would be overjoyed. I have Door dashed a Chili's triple dipper to my home more than once.

• 1:24:58Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:24:59Speaker 06

  I love, I love.

• 1:25:00Speaker 05

  I am financially ruined by Door Dash.

• 1:25:03Speaker 06

  What are you doing on there?

• 1:25:04Speaker 05

  Door Dash?

• 1:25:05Speaker 06

  What you go to?

• 1:25:06Speaker 05

  Boba.

• 1:25:08Speaker 06

  Because I guess I do know that outside of Boba, what else are you doing? Is it literally just Boba? Bolognese?

• 1:25:16Speaker 05

  It's a meat sauce.

• 1:25:17Speaker 06

  From where?

• 1:25:18Speaker 05

  Pasta with a meat sauce, anywhere. If I see bolognese, I'm powerless before bolognese.

• 1:25:22Speaker 06

  Really?

• 1:25:22Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah. And I try to not eat meat, but if I see bolognese, I gained, I gained, I think, 11 pounds when I visited Italy when I was younger on bolognese.

• 1:25:33Speaker 06

  You rendered

• 1:25:34Speaker 05

  Unfortunately, pizza, quattro famagi, pizzas.

• 1:25:36Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:25:36Speaker 05

  What'd you say?

• 1:25:37Speaker 06

  You speak another language?

• 1:25:38Speaker 05

  Eh, un poquito, un petit peu.

• 1:25:41Speaker 06

  We'll go with no.

• 1:25:44Speaker 05

  I don't, I don't.

• 1:25:45Speaker 06

  We'll go with no. I got my ass kicked in Spain. They were not enjoying my attempts at Spanish at all.

• 1:25:50Speaker 05

  You speak it?

• 1:25:51Speaker 06

  No. A little, a tiny survival bit, and they, they were not, they were not happy with me.

• 1:25:57Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:25:57Speaker 06

  Cause I'm loud and fat and American.

• 1:25:59Speaker 05

  Hey.

• 1:26:00Speaker 06

  It makes them mad.

• 1:26:00Speaker 05

  No, you're beautiful.

• 1:26:01Speaker 06

  When I try stuff.

• 1:26:02Speaker 05

  An American.

• 1:26:03Speaker 06

  No, you're beautiful and American.

• 1:26:04Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 1:26:04Speaker 06

  And bad at Spanish.

• 1:26:06Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:26:07Speaker 06

  Which is true.

• 1:26:08Speaker 05

  Well, you were, you were, you were just kinda on a three week, two week journey?

• 1:26:11Speaker 06

  Three. Popping around, Chris.

• 1:26:14Speaker 05

  You're living life.

• 1:26:15Speaker 06

  Looking for inspiration.

• 1:26:16Speaker 05

  Seriously?

• 1:26:17Speaker 06

  Found some.

• 1:26:17Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:26:18Speaker 06

  Found some inspiration.

• 1:26:19Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:26:19Speaker 06

  Mostly just had a nice time.

• 1:26:21Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:26:21Speaker 06

  Had some decent sex, had some fun sex.

• 1:26:24Speaker 05

  Are you gonna keep talking to them or what stays in Europe?

• 1:26:27Speaker 06

  I think one of them is coming to my birthday party.

• 1:26:30Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 1:26:30Speaker 06

  Three were invited.

• 1:26:32Speaker 05

  A costume party?

• 1:26:33Speaker 06

  There were three guys that I hooked up with in Europe that got the invite to the birthday party.

• 1:26:37Speaker 05

  One came.

• 1:26:37Speaker 06

  That was the next, I think one of them might come.

• 1:26:39Speaker 05

  It sounds almost like a fairy tale.

• 1:26:41Speaker 06

  He's welcome to come. I'd love to see him there.

• 1:26:42Speaker 05

  Three were given the invite and one took it.

• 1:26:45Speaker 06

  I think a few of my situationships will be at my birthday party.

• 1:26:47Speaker 05

  Great.

• 1:26:48Speaker 06

  And I'm excited to see all of them.

• 1:26:49Speaker 05

  I think the one who comes from Europe, that's, that's, that's the prince.

• 1:26:53Speaker 06

  I will say, if he comes from Europe, I probably will, he'll be the one that I like lock in with.

• 1:26:59Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:26:59Speaker 06

  For the night.

• 1:27:01Speaker 05

  Wow.

• 1:27:02Speaker 06

  Maybe. I mean, if you catch a flight that long.

• 1:27:04Speaker 05

  Not even the week. No.

• 1:27:05Speaker 06

  Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not a week.

• 1:27:08Speaker 05

  It's the night.

• 1:27:09Speaker 06

  This is my problem, Chris. I really am. I have a problem. I really need to get serious about my love life.

• 1:27:13Speaker 05

  How do you say, how do you say get out?

• 1:27:16Speaker 06

  I'll say, you need to go.

• 1:27:20Speaker 05

  No, no.

• 1:27:21Speaker 06

  I'll say, I'll say, this was so much fun. I need to, I need to be alone now. You would never?

• 1:27:27Speaker 05

  No, I, I'm so bad at, uh, I, I, no, no, I couldn't.

• 1:27:32Speaker 06

  Chris, I got so locked in talking to you that I totally forgot we have a game to play.

• 1:27:35Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:27:37Speaker 06

  You know what this is?

• 1:27:38Speaker 05

  Truth or false?

• 1:27:38Speaker 06

  Yes, dude.

• 1:27:39Speaker 05

  True or false?

• 1:27:40Speaker 06

  Let's lock in. Okay, have you?

• 1:27:43Speaker 05

  It's 1 a.m.

• 1:27:44Speaker 06

  How have you done on this in the past?

• 1:27:45Speaker 05

  Uh, 0%.

• 1:27:47Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 1:27:47Speaker 05

  I think I got booed off the stage, uh, when we did this live, because, so I think-

• 1:27:51Speaker 06

  Well, live, everyone was so naughty. They always tried to give the guests the answers. They wanted to see me lose money.

• 1:27:55Speaker 05

  Your crowd was incredibly naughty.

• 1:27:56Speaker 06

  My fans are rowdy and raucous, a crazy bunch.

• 1:28:00Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:28:01Speaker 06

  I'm going on tour again. You all have to come do the show.

• 1:28:02Speaker 05

  No way.

• 1:28:03Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 1:28:04Speaker 05

  Oh, my God.

• 1:28:05Speaker 06

  Potentially in the summer. We're waiting to find out.

• 1:28:08Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:28:09Speaker 06

  Potentially in the summer.

• 1:28:10Speaker 05

  That's so exciting.

• 1:28:10Speaker 06

  I've been cautioned against, actually, can I say something really quick about my tour?

• 1:28:13Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 1:28:14Speaker 06

  I'm being told that I should not tour in the summer.

• 1:28:17Speaker 05

  No.

• 1:28:17Speaker 06

  If I launch a, a summer tour, you guys better buy these fucking tickets because I'm fighting to go on tour in the summer. You wanna know why I want to tour in the summer?

• 1:28:24Speaker 05

  Cause, uh, it's warm?

• 1:28:26Speaker 06

  Every day I wanna swim.

• 1:28:27Speaker 05

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:28:28Speaker 06

  I wanna wake up, get off the bus, go swimming, and then do the show. I think that'll make it more fun for me.

• 1:28:32Speaker 05

  That's a really good idea.

• 1:28:33Speaker 06

  I think it'd be nice to swim every day.

• 1:28:35Speaker 05

  It's also a low-impact workout.

• 1:28:37Speaker 06

  Exactly correct.

• 1:28:38Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:28:38Speaker 06

  And it'd be fun, swim in, swim in 30 cities. I wanna swim in 30 cities.

• 1:28:43Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:28:43Speaker 06

  Chris, I'm gonna read you 15 statements.

• 1:28:45Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 1:28:45Speaker 06

  You're gonna tell me as quickly as you can, roll some more shit down the hallway.

• 1:28:49Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:28:49Speaker 06

  You're gonna tell me as quickly as you can-

• 1:28:51Speaker 05

  Is that a nurse's cart?

• 1:28:51Speaker 06

  Someone's rolling the loudest thing I've ever heard down the hallway.

• 1:28:53Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:28:54Speaker 06

  There's something wrong with this building. I recently learned that, that one of the guys who produces Taylor Swift's albums has a studio in this building.

• 1:29:01Speaker 05

  Oh, my God. Is it one of those, like, dorky guitar?

• 1:29:06Speaker 05

  Sorry, sorry.

• 1:29:07Speaker 06

  Chris, please. Chris, please. He's my neighbor.

• 1:29:09Speaker 05

  Have you, have you ever seen, there's like, there's like, these guys in their 50s who play guitar for Taylor Swift and they all kind of act like they're the ones that people are coming to see?

• 1:29:18Speaker 06

  Oh, I like that.

• 1:29:19Speaker 05

  Oh, it's so good. What?

• 1:29:20Speaker 06

  I like that.

• 1:29:21Speaker 05

  I am obsessed with those guys.

• 1:29:22Speaker 06

  I like that a lot.

• 1:29:23Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:29:24Speaker 06

  I'm gonna read you 15 statements.

• 1:29:25Speaker 05

  If he like, high-fives one and he like, crumbles, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

• 1:29:27Speaker 06

  You know I have to do it. It's part of the show.

• 1:29:29Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 1:29:30Speaker 06

  I'm gonna read you 15 statements. You can tell me as quickly as you can if what I just said was true or false. If you get 10 or more correct, we're gonna give you 50 US dollars.

• 1:29:35Speaker 05

  Seriously? Wow, okay.

• 1:29:36Speaker 06

  Yeah. Tommy Lee Jones is a Harvard graduate.

• 1:29:38Speaker 05

  Yes, he was roommates with, like, Al Gore.

• 1:29:41Speaker 06

  Okay, true.

• 1:29:47Speaker 06

  The movie The Iron Giant came out in 1999.

• 1:29:50Speaker 05

  True.

• 1:29:51Speaker 06

  True. There are no reptiles in Sweden.

• 1:29:55Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's a Bob Dylan song and it's also true.

• 1:29:58Speaker 06

  False.

• 1:29:59Speaker 05

  Fuck!

• 1:29:59Speaker 06

  The Departed won the Best Picture Oscar.

• 1:30:01Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 1:30:02Speaker 06

  True. Neil Armstrong drank Pepsi on the surface of the moon.

• 1:30:05Speaker 05

  No.

• 1:30:06Speaker 06

  False. Lance Armstrong's nickname is Big Tex.

• 1:30:11Speaker 05

  False. True, it's true. It's false.

• 1:30:15Speaker 06

  Which one are you going with?

• 1:30:16Speaker 05

  False.

• 1:30:17Speaker 06

  It's true. Only four US presidents have visited Antarctica.

• 1:30:21Speaker 05

  Dude, I don't know.

• 1:30:22Speaker 06

  You gotta answer, Chris. I don't know. It's the game, man.

• 1:30:24Speaker 05

  True.

• 1:30:25Speaker 06

  False. None have gone. Squirrels mate for life.

• 1:30:27Speaker 05

  No presidents have gone?

• 1:30:28Speaker 06

  They haven't gone.

• 1:30:29Speaker 05

  Even on their own time?

• 1:30:29Speaker 06

  They won't go.

• 1:30:30Speaker 05

  I'd make a Camp David in Antarctica. Sorry, I got Bubba in the mouth.

• 1:30:34Speaker 06

  Squirrels.

• 1:30:35Speaker 05

  I'll make a Camp David in Antarctica.

• 1:30:37Speaker 06

  Totally choking on Bubba at this point in the show.

• 1:30:39Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:30:39Speaker 06

  Squirrels mate for life.

• 1:30:47Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's true.

• 1:30:48Speaker 06

  False. A female picks a new mate each year.

• 1:30:52Speaker 05

  A female squirrel?

• 1:30:53Speaker 06

  Yes. Go Diva. Burger King is older than Wendy's.

• 1:30:57Speaker 05

  True.

• 1:30:57Speaker 06

  True. Earth is gradually rotating slower each year.

• 1:31:01Speaker 05

  I hope not. False.

• 1:31:02Speaker 06

  It's true. Skidmore College's motto is "under the shield of divine love."

• 1:31:07Speaker 05

  That's false. It's creative thought matters.

• 1:31:09Speaker 06

  It's true.

• 1:31:10Speaker 05

  What?

• 1:31:13Speaker 05

  Since when? Wait, what is the new motto?

• 1:31:15Speaker 06

  "Under the shield of divine love."

• 1:31:17Speaker 05

  Oh my god.

• 1:31:19Speaker 06

  I don't like the questions.

• 1:31:20Speaker 05

  "Under the shield of divine..." That sounds like a Meatloaf song.

• 1:31:21Speaker 06

  I don't write the facts.

• 1:31:23Speaker 05

  Oh my god.

• 1:31:24Speaker 06

  But if you think it's wrong, fight chance on it. Last Comic Standing ran for nine seasons.

• 1:31:28Speaker 05

  Yeah, sure.

• 1:31:28Speaker 06

  True. Tom Brady was born in California.

• 1:31:31Speaker 05

  Tom Brady was born in California? If that were so, he couldn't live in Massachusetts for that long. False.

• 1:31:36Speaker 06

  True. Aretha Franklin was the first woman inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

• 1:31:40Speaker 05

  Probably. Yes. No, it was Nina Simone. Okay, fine.

• 1:31:45Speaker 06

  True, it was Aretha Franklin?

• 1:31:46Speaker 05

  Yep.

• 1:31:46Speaker 06

  Anteaters. Last one. Anteaters are extinct.

• 1:31:51Speaker 05

  No, I've seen them around. I've definitely seen a video of an anteater.

• 1:31:58Speaker 05

  Maybe like, okay, maybe the last one died like last night. And all of its loved ones are around the bed and it's now finally.

• 1:32:07Speaker 06

  Its loved ones not anteaters. Its loved ones other species.

• 1:32:09Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, just guys.

• 1:32:10Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:32:11Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's a bunch of guys.

• 1:32:11Speaker 06

  What are you going with? You're going with, um?

• 1:32:13Speaker 05

  They're not, there's no way anteaters are, and if they are,

• 1:32:20Speaker 05

  I'm gonna be super fucking pissed.

• 1:32:23Speaker 06

  So you're going with false?

• 1:32:24Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 1:32:25Speaker 06

  It's false. How do you do, Nicole?

• 1:32:28Speaker 05

  Oh, nice.

• 1:32:29Speaker 06

  Is that good? That's nice.

• 1:32:32Speaker 06

  That's nice, Chris. Chris, that's a nice score. Don't worry about it.

• 1:32:37Speaker 05

  Now I'm worried about it. I was worried, I wasn't worried about it until you said that like that.

• 1:32:41Speaker 06

  Six is kinda low.

• 1:32:42Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's a 60%, right?

• 1:32:43Speaker 06

  Six is kinda low.

• 1:32:44Speaker 05

  It's like a D minus?

• 1:32:44Speaker 06

  It's out of, six out of 15.

• 1:32:46Speaker 05

  I would be in directed study if I took this for, in a high school class.

• 1:32:49Speaker 06

  In directed study?

• 1:32:50Speaker 05

  Yeah, if you got below a C, you would have to do a course called directed study, but, and I obviously got D's in chemistry, so I, I would be put into directed study, but my band teacher struck a deal with me. He said, if you drum in our wor, I'm not a drummer, if you drum in our worst jazz band, you can get out of directed study. And I said, okay, only if I can have an unlimited time drum solo at the concert. And I will, I'll send you the clip. It is funny.

• 1:33:15Speaker 06

  Please send it to me. And also, I love this school that you went to, where like,

• 1:33:18Speaker 05

  It was great.

• 1:33:19Speaker 06

  All these teachers are insistent on not teaching.

• 1:33:22Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:33:23Speaker 06

  And are just like striking deals for different, different like little pet projects of theirs.

• 1:33:27Speaker 05

  Bartering, yeah.

• 1:33:28Speaker 06

  Yeah, that's beautiful.

• 1:33:29Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:33:30Speaker 06

  Chris, it was so lovely to have you on the show.

• 1:33:32Speaker 05

  So lovely to have you.

• 1:33:33Speaker 06

  Is there anything you want to tell the fans?

• 1:33:35Speaker 05

  Um, keep listening to Caleb. He knows best. And UG, get UG's stuff. It's soft.

• 1:33:40Speaker 06

  Get UG's stuff.

• 1:33:41Speaker 05

  We're not sponsored by Uggs. We just like soft things.

• 1:33:43Speaker 06

  UG, you should spend some money on the show. Spend some money on the show. We've talked about you very kindly.

• 1:33:48Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:33:49Speaker 06

  Anything else that where the people can find you? They know where to find you.

• 1:33:52Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:33:52Speaker 06

  They all love you.

• 1:33:53Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:33:53Speaker 06

  Everybody loves you, Chris.

• 1:33:54Speaker 05

  Oh, I, I, I agree to that, not hearing exactly what you were saying.

• 1:33:57Speaker 06

  Everybody loves you, Chris.

• 1:33:58Speaker 05

  Everybody loves you, Caleb.

• 1:33:59Speaker 06

  Thanks for coming on.

• 1:33:59Speaker 05

  Thanks for having me.

• 1:34:00Speaker 06

  Chabala.

• 1:34:01Speaker 05

  Good night.

• 1:34:01Speaker 06

  We did it.

• 1:34:03Speaker 00

  I hate Mondays.

• 1:34:04Speaker 01

  King's Hawaiian cinnamon swirl bite?

• 1:34:06Speaker 00

  Taylor Hanson? Sure, I'll try one.

• 1:34:11Speaker 01

  Hey, let's get back to work, please.

• 1:34:13Speaker 00

  But Taylor Hanson's making my day way better with these new soft and swirly King's Hawaiian cinnamon bites.

• 1:34:17Speaker 01

  Taylor Hanson? Nice. Try one.

• 1:34:21Speaker 04

  Mmm.

• 1:34:24Speaker 02

  King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Bites. There's nothing like it.

• 1:34:28Speaker 04

  Sweet swelling is so good.