Matteo Lane Returns

Welcome! This week’s guest is the hilarious and talented Matteo Lane! Matteo and Caleb talk movie watching habits, flight attendants, a harrowing situation involving a security camera, a cook book, instagram DM’s, and much more! Join our Substack for ad free full episodes, early access to merch, our community chat, and more! https://calebsaysthings.substack.com/ Follow Matteo! @matteolane Follow the show! @sooootruepod Follow Caleb! @calebsaysthings Produced by Chance Nichols @chanceisloud Check out https://www.squarespace.com/SOTRUE to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code SOTRUE. So True with Caleb Hearon is edited and engineered by Nicole Lyons. Our social media manager is Virginia Muller. All episodes are filmed in The So Trudio at Legitimate Business World Headquarters in Brooklyn, New York. A Wave series. wavesportsandentertainment.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:30Speaker 01

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• 1:34Speaker 03

  Are you in therapy? Yeah. Really? Are you kidding? Once a week? Yeah, once a week. Hour? Uh, yeah, one hour. One hour a week? Yeah. Guy or girl? Guy. Older? Yes. Gay? Yes. Hmm, how's it going? Good. Yeah? He's really great. What are you talking about in there right now? Uh, well, uh...

• 1:56Speaker 04

  Matteo, you know where we have to start.

• 1:58Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:59Speaker 04

  I'm having a crazy morning.

• 2:00Speaker 03

  Do you want me to read the messages? Or do you want to read the messages?

• 2:04Speaker 04

  Yes, here's what I want to say. I'm gonna give you the messages to read.

• 2:07Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 2:07Speaker 04

  But I want to let the listeners know, this morning, I had a lovely little morning. I got up, I walked in the rain to a coffee shop I go to all the time in my neighborhood. And let's not say the name, I don't want to put them on blast. But I go to a coffee shop I go to all the time in my neighborhood. I go in there, I order, I tip well, I smile at everybody. It's a place that I go, you know? And then after I leave, they DM me on Instagram today, six minutes after I walked out the door, and they said...

• 2:33Speaker 03

  Hey, were you in earlier and took one of the books?

• 2:43Speaker 04

  And I thought about not responding because I was like, that, I don't know what this could possibly mean and I don't want to be involved. But I'm a curious guy.

• 2:50Speaker 03

  By the way, the writing's still. So you said, like, and this, by the way, shocking enough. Then you said, yeah, I was in, I got a latte and a sandwich, no book, like, very nice, you know? Because obviously you're still trying to maintain like a good relationship. And you go, I actually need to know what y'all messaged me, why y'all messaged me this, what was the book? And they go, and I'm telling you, this is...

• 3:11Speaker 04

  You'll not believe the response.

• 3:13Speaker 03

  Like, Short Circuit wrote this, like... "I guess at the same time you were here, one of our cookbooks was taken from the pile. We were clearing the shelves and, well, because we're renovating anyways, one of the baristas in a fit of mistaken identity told me that you were here and I must have confused who she was pointing at. I didn't mean to DM with any malice. So my sincerest apologies, wasn't looking to make an enemy."

• 3:43Speaker 03

  And then they end it with, "You're quite good at what you do, we are fans."

• 3:48Speaker 04

  We are fans, you can't be fans! So I messaged back and I said, I cannot stop laughing. This was an insane series of messages, but I'm sorry, somebody stole from y'all. Heartbreak emoji. They just messaged back and said, dude, I just looked the security camera. You guys cross paths right in front of the shelves. We owe you a drink. You just tell the baristas that you're one of the accused.

• 4:09Speaker 05

  What? What? What? What? What?

• 4:15Speaker 04

  You, you just tell the baristas that you're one of the accused and they should know what's up. Have a great day.

• 4:20Speaker 03

  No, what?

• 4:22Speaker 05

  Are there more accused?

• 4:24Speaker 04

  Are there other accused? I'm in a class of the accused?

• 4:29Speaker 03

  And also, why do you still have to do more work?

• 4:32Speaker 04

  I have to come in and tell them I'm the accused?

• 4:34Speaker 03

  Hi, I'm the accused.

• 4:37Speaker 04

  And I want my coffee. Mind you, I don't need a free coffee. I didn't need a free cookbook. I'm one, imagine going up to the coffee, to the counter and going, hello, I am one of the accused and I'd like to collect my free latte?

• 4:51Speaker 03

  She looks like this, she's like, one second, she's like hitting her red button.

• 4:57Speaker 03

  You should, you should go in tomorrow and you should say, hi, I'm one of the accused. I'd like a couple, you know, a latte and a bacon, egg and cheese. And also, how much is that cookbook in the back? And see what they give you for free.

• 5:12Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 5:13Speaker 03

  Because I think they owe you a free cookbook.

• 5:14Speaker 04

  They owe me the cookbook. I truly, also, I want, what I really want from them and what I might ask for is a copy of the security footage, because what you're gonna see, I was having kind of a magical morning. What you're gonna see is me, headphones in, standing with my coffee, waiting on the sandwich, smiling ear to ear, listening to Donny Hathaway.

• 5:33Speaker 03

  Donny Hathaway?

• 5:33Speaker 04

  Donny Hathaway.

• 5:34Speaker 03

  And this Christmas?

• 5:35Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 5:35Speaker 03

  I was literally singing that coming in here.

• 5:37Speaker 04

  Yes, and I was standing there smiling and I was smiling, I remember, I, I literally remember standing there and being like, God, I'm in such a good mood today. And I was smiling at this woman who didn't smile back and I was like, it doesn't matter. So they're gonna see on the camera, a guy just blissed out, waiting on his sandwich, and then a thief stealing a cookbook and crossing paths with me.

• 5:55Speaker 03

  They're gonna see you sort of in your own Netflix Christmas movie.

• 5:59Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 6:00Speaker 03

  Like acting like, it's gonna be fine, you know what I mean? While the

• 6:03Speaker 04

  Holding my coffee with both hands.

• 6:05Speaker 03

  While the real accuser.

• 6:06Speaker 04

  The accused, dude. I can't believe I'm one of the accused. This is the craziest thing.

• 6:11Speaker 03

  That's great.

• 6:11Speaker 04

  And it's like, also, what kind of, I go in there all the time. I just can't imagine the long game I would be playing to steal a cookbook at this hour.

• 6:19Speaker 03

  That's what I said to Kevin. I go, so that means like, just like a year now, you've been going to this coffee shop and every day you're just staring at that cookbook. And you're like, I need this rush. Like it's a high, like I need, I need the book.

• 6:31Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 6:32Speaker 03

  And I need to steal it. Today's the day. Like it's a rainy day. It just is crazy.

• 6:36Speaker 04

  Well, you know, the funniest thing I could do now is go in there and steal a cookbook. I go in there tomorrow and steal a cookbook.

• 6:42Speaker 03

  Do you want me to do it?

• 6:43Speaker 04

  I mean, we should send every famous comedian we know in there to steal a cookbook and just see how many we can get away with.

• 6:51Speaker 03

  Can you imagine if we got like a line of comics?

• 6:53Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 6:54Speaker 03

  Like if it was like you, me, Sunny Marie, Nikki Glaser, like let's get like, and each and every single one of us steals a cookbook.

• 7:03Speaker 04

  And then we, eventually they just, but they put up a sign that's like, no comedians.

• 7:07Speaker 03

  Well, they should have that sign everywhere.

• 7:09Speaker 04

  Let's, let's make that sign more realistic now.

• 7:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:12Speaker 04

  Oh my God. Well, how's your morning?

• 7:14Speaker 03

  My morning's fine. I did a couple of podcasts with Nick and that's pretty much it. He had his Christmas show last night that you saw and we sang, um, just a bunch of Christmas music. It's good.

• 7:24Speaker 04

  You, you know, I wish I had a bit more, I really, for your audience, I wish I had a better answer than that. No, that's beautiful, Matteo. It's so beautiful.

• 7:31Speaker 03

  Not as good as yours.

• 7:32Speaker 04

  Well, mine was crazy. I wasn't expecting to have like lore defining experiences this morning.

• 7:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, it was a bit unhinged, I think.

• 7:39Speaker 04

  It all happened because a gay guy canceled breakfast on me.

• 7:42Speaker 03

  Really?

• 7:42Speaker 04

  My gay guy friend.

• 7:43Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 7:44Speaker 04

  It wasn't a date or anything.

• 7:45Speaker 03

  Say his name.

• 7:45Speaker 04

  A.J. Marquinhos.

• 7:47Speaker 03

  Why did he cancel?

• 7:48Speaker 04

  A.J. Marquinhos. Uh, his boss put some unexpected meetings on his calendar.

• 7:54Speaker 04

  Quit your fucking job. I don't like, this is my thing with my friends lately. I'm like trying to plan a Christmas and New Year's trip to maybe like Portugal or something. And everyone, oh, I have my job. I can't afford the flight. Quit your job. Find a way to make money for the flights.

• 8:07Speaker 03

  This is why you were so good on Ziway. You on Ziway was honest. Like, I'm so, if she ever asked me to that show, I would join the witness protection program. Like, I'm so sensitive and horrified. I could never handle it. And you came in that show, only you and Bob walked into that show and you're like, now it's, I'm the captain now. You were afraid of anything you said. You had an answer for everything she said. Like, you're, you're, you're so, you're so powerful.

• 8:33Speaker 04

  I'm just kidding around is the thing, but people do get mad at me. I did, I was surprised. I really will tell you, Matteo, I left doing that Ziway taping because the whole time I was being, you know, ridiculous and annoying.

• 8:44Speaker 03

  You weren't annoying at all. You were extremely entertaining.

• 8:47Speaker 04

  I left the taping thinking like, this might actually be the one that really does me in. Like, I left with a feeling in my stomach that was like, because when, when I'm telling you, they, the edit, like, they put in the moments where Ziway was like laughing and being sweet. And I like Ziway a lot as a person.

• 9:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 9:00Speaker 04

  But during the recording, that crew doesn't laugh, Ziway doesn't break. She, they film like two minute silences. Like, you'll say something, like, she'll be like, anything you want to apologize for? And I'll, you know, I'm like, oh, slavery. Yeah, we're, I'm sorry. And I'm like being, you know, facetious, like playful about it. And then two minutes of silence. No one's moving. Ziway's not breaking eye contact.

• 9:20Speaker 03

  That's why she's so good.

• 9:21Speaker 04

  She's incredible. And I was like, I was like, oh, because you don't know what the edit's gonna be. I was like, I'm, this might be the end of me.

• 9:27Speaker 03

  I remember one time I, I was on stage and a drunk white woman was heckling me, which is 99% of the people that heckle you. And she kept talking and talking and talking. And it was like, there she wanted the attention. So I said, okay. I said, it's obvious that you want attention and it doesn't matter what I say. So I'll give you the attention. And I put the mic in the mic stand and I sat down and I just stared at her. And I didn't move for a solid three and a half minutes, which is a really long time.

• 9:51Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 9:51Speaker 03

  And she was panicking. She was like, okay, funny. Go back to self. Now go to your show now. You know, and I just sat there like, like, I was like Ziway. I just sat there.

• 10:00Speaker 04

  Was the rest of the audience doing anything?

• 10:02Speaker 03

  Everyone was uncomfortable. There was only like eight people there. It was at the stand, the old stand way back in the day, like in 2015 or something.

• 10:08Speaker 04

  Yeah. It is fun to imagine you doing this in like a sold out theater now, though. Like you doing this in a theater.

• 10:13Speaker 03

  You want the attention? Fine, you know.

• 10:15Speaker 04

  Three minutes, sold out room, just watching, like, when is he gonna move on?

• 10:19Speaker 03

  I don't really get knock on wood, hecklers like that is so much anymore.

• 10:23Speaker 04

  Well, I think, yeah, there's a larger barrier to entry. I think heckling is such a starting out thing because a lot of times they came out to the venue to see a comedy show and they didn't know who was gonna be there. But like, your audience coming to the theater to see you that they've waited months to come to, it's just a different energy, don't you think?

• 10:40Speaker 03

  Well, one woman in Madison the other week didn't realize who I was and she came and then she was heckling me and she wouldn't stop. And then when she left, I kept talking shit about her because she could hear me in the micro, the intercom in the bathroom.

• 10:52Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 10:52Speaker 03

  And then she went to the manager and said she was offended and they asked why and she said, because I didn't know it was a gay show. So then we had the rest of her of them kicked out. And so that was, that was that.

• 11:02Speaker 04

  In her defense.

• 11:03Speaker 03

  It was a gay show.

• 11:04Speaker 04

  Imagine, yeah, imagine you don't want to go to a gay show and then you come to one of your shows.

• 11:11Speaker 04

  Like, in her defense.

• 11:13Speaker 03

  You're right. You know what? I was wrong.

• 11:15Speaker 04

  That would be so jarring.

• 11:16Speaker 03

  I should have apologized to her.

• 11:18Speaker 04

  To be like, oh, I'm gonna have a nice night of straight heterosexual comedy and then end up at a Matteo Lane show is like, yeah, you're gonna be a little thrown off.

• 11:24Speaker 03

  It's uncomfortable. Yeah. Well, I had Evan Williams open for me, but that's barely straight. So I don't know.

• 11:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 11:32Speaker 04

  That is so funny.

• 11:33Speaker 03

  But how have you been? How was Chicago?

• 11:35Speaker 04

  Baby. It was good. I am, I don't know. I'm now reached the point, I've, I've been, I've had like two or three weeks off.

• 11:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 11:43Speaker 04

  Of like not doing, not having things to do on purpose. And I'm getting, starting to get restless.

• 11:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 11:48Speaker 04

  Which is, you know, obviously the mental illness that I am saddled with. It's like, get a grip, man. Like, I really, there's something wrong with me. But yeah, of course I'm restless. I'm trying to figure things out. I'm dating. I'm walking a lot.

• 12:00Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 12:01Speaker 04

  Um, I'm, yeah, I don't know. I'm like.

• 12:03Speaker 03

  When you go on a walk, are you listening to music, podcasts, YouTube? What are you?

• 12:07Speaker 04

  I am doing one of two things. I am either listening to absolutely nothing and like trying to romanticize the sounds of the city like a psychopath.

• 12:14Speaker 03

  That's really un, I mean, that's crazy to me.

• 12:16Speaker 04

  No, there's something wrong with, that I'm, walking around with the purpose of trying to think and be creative. And I'm like, you can't have music in your ears. You need to just like be on your walk. That's psychotic and I'm doing it.

• 12:29Speaker 03

  That's actually really nice.

• 12:30Speaker 04

  Or I'm listening to the same song like 15 times in a row.

• 12:34Speaker 03

  What's the song you're listening to right now?

• 12:35Speaker 04

  Lately, Fuck Me Eyes by Ethel Kane.

• 12:37Speaker 03

  Work.

• 12:38Speaker 04

  Do you know it?

• 12:39Speaker 03

  Nope.

• 12:40Speaker 04

  Oh my god, this song is incredible.

• 12:41Speaker 03

  It's called Fuck Me Eyes?

• 12:42Speaker 04

  Fuck Me Eyes, Ethel Kane. This young woman knows how to make a tune.

• 12:49Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 12:49Speaker 04

  I'm loving Fuck Me Eyes by Ethel Kane or um, oh, oh, oh, Waiting Demo by Amber Marks.

• 12:55Speaker 03

  God, I'm such an old, I'm still, I'm like, I listen to like Sarah Vaughan. Like the most, like I listen, I love Samara Joy. She's like the most, it's all jazz.

• 13:04Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 13:05Speaker 03

  That's beautiful. Is it?

• 13:07Speaker 04

  I've been listening to a lot of Fantasia.

• 13:08Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 13:09Speaker 04

  Shout out Michelle, shout out Michelle. Put me back on Fantasia.

• 13:12Speaker 03

  Fantasia, she did a duet with Jennifer Hudson once in like 2000. Do you know what I'm talking about? And do you remember the beginning when they're talking to each other? You know, RB back in the day, they would always like have like a dialogue in the beginning. Well, I don't know why the, they didn't stop her, but Fantasia meant to say, allow me to introduce myself. She says, allow me to introduce myself.

• 13:30Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 13:30Speaker 03

  And I was like, you know, this is relatable to your audience.

• 13:33Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 13:34Speaker 03

  Gay men get it.

• 13:35Speaker 04

  They are douching themselves.

• 13:36Speaker 03

  Fantasia's unbelievable.

• 13:37Speaker 04

  Let me ask you a question, and I'm, I'm keen on asking pretty much anyone who will listen this question. Have you heard from the Sing movie soundtrack?

• 13:46Speaker 03

  Answer's yes.

• 13:47Speaker 04

  The Tori Kelly, Jennifer Hudson, Hallelujah?

• 13:50Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 13:50Speaker 04

  Wow.

• 13:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, I also listened to Tori Kelly singing, um, then say a little prayer for you.

• 13:56Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 13:57Speaker 03

  Forever, forever. I love Sing 2, by the way, that old lizard lady.

• 14:00Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 14:01Speaker 03

  When she busted up the car and she pulled back up, she's like, and it's a full tank of gas. I love that woman.

• 14:08Speaker 04

  What is the, is it, is that the exact, is it, is it Say A Little Prayer For You? Yes, is My Best Friend's Wedding?

• 14:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, but I mean, it's Aretha Franklin. Well, it's Dionne Warwick.

• 14:15Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 14:16Speaker 03

  It's Burt Bacharach, Dionne Warwick, Aretha Franklin.

• 14:18Speaker 04

  No, of course, but the iconic uh, dinner table scene.

• 14:22Speaker 03

  I've never seen that movie.

• 14:23Speaker 04

  What?

• 14:23Speaker 03

  I know.

• 14:24Speaker 04

  Matteo!

• 14:24Speaker 03

  I know. I don't like those, I don't love those kind of movies. It's, I can't. I could barely get through Steel Magnolia without laughing.

• 14:32Speaker 04

  Oh, Matteo!

• 14:33Speaker 03

  But I've seen Steel Magnolia, I've had to, you know, your veins, but um, yeah.

• 14:37Speaker 04

  Without laughing, you said?

• 14:38Speaker 03

  Well, cause it's funny when you watch it now. It's so overdramat, like it's so dramatic.

• 14:44Speaker 04

  Matteo!

• 14:45Speaker 03

  I'm not laughing at like Julia Roberts dying, but I mean, the last thing she said before she died was spaghetti. And then she falls down.

• 14:53Speaker 03

  So, you know, there's something funny in that.

• 14:55Speaker 04

  My Best Friend's Wedding is an iconic film.

• 14:57Speaker 03

  I know, and it's got Julia Roberts and Cameron Diaz.

• 15:04Speaker 03

  And, um, and the gay British guy, what's his name?

• 15:07Speaker 04

  Yes. Oh, god damn it.

• 15:09Speaker 03

  Which Madonna did like a tour in New York in like the late 90s to promote Ray of Light.

• 15:13Speaker 04

  Don't say it. Don't say it. Rupert Ever.

• 15:16Speaker 03

  Rupert Ever, yeah. And they did a movie together, but Madonna went around, uh, in New York in the late 90s when she was promoting Ray of Light with him. And Kathy Griffin's joke back then was that she said, actually, every other word, because she wanted to sound more British.

• 15:27Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 15:28Speaker 03

  Like she was Dickensian. She was like, look, me thinks me sees my own apartment. Like, she was so British at that time.

• 15:33Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 15:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 15:34Speaker 04

  I have a question.

• 15:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 15:35Speaker 04

  Would you consider finding some time on both of our calendars for us to watch My Best Friend's Wedding together?

• 15:41Speaker 03

  I would do it with you.

• 15:42Speaker 04

  I would really like that.

• 15:43Speaker 03

  A hundred percent.

• 15:44Speaker 04

  Because I actually want to cry right now because that movie is so important to me.

• 15:48Speaker 03

  So how are you when you watch movies? Because you didn't grow up in an Italian family, so.

• 15:51Speaker 04

  No.

• 15:52Speaker 03

  What is it like when you watch a movie? Do you just sit and watch it?

• 15:54Speaker 04

  Well, I, we can do whatever you want. What do you want to make pasta and talk?

• 15:58Speaker 03

  No, no, that's. You need to, well, okay, it's like when you watch a movie, do you, how do you, what's your experience with a movie? Like, like, so you're gonna watch My Best Friend's Wedding?

• 16:07Speaker 04

  Okay, so we're at my apartment.

• 16:10Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 16:10Speaker 04

  We're watching My Best Friend's Wedding. Is that the scene?

• 16:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 16:12Speaker 04

  That's the setting? Uh, it's a movie I deeply love that you've never seen before. I'm expecting total silence and obedience.

• 16:22Speaker 04

  When I'm showing someone a movie I love that they've never seen before, if you want to talk about something, this one needs to happen. You go, wait, wait, wait, I have a thought. I pause it and you go, okay, you tell me your thought, and then we go back to watching it. And if I see you on the phone, ooh.

• 16:36Speaker 03

  No, I won't be on the phone.

• 16:37Speaker 04

  If I am showing you a movie that I love and you haven't seen it, and I see you on the phone, it, it's like you've, it's like you've killed me.

• 16:46Speaker 03

  Okay, I'm really anxious right now. Like, like, does it, like, I have a lot of anxiety going through me. I, let me just say this. I went to go see Wicked for Good.

• 16:55Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 16:55Speaker 03

  And there were eight of us.

• 16:57Speaker 04

  That's the second one?

• 16:58Speaker 03

  Sydney, Washington, Marie Foster, Rosebud Baker, Onika, Amina, uh, and Nick. And how, how do you think the rest of the theater felt about us?

• 17:08Speaker 04

  I'm, I can't imagine good.

• 17:10Speaker 03

  The manager was called a few times. We were laughing so hard. At one point, when Onika, when Glinda turned to Alphaba and said, "And I know there's blame to share." Onika said, "Blame to share? You killed her fucking sister."

• 17:30Speaker 03

  Me and Amina were shaking of laughter. Rosebud's just vaping. I mean, at this point-

• 17:33Speaker 04

  Rosebud and this goddamn vape.

• 17:36Speaker 03

  It was so, actually Cindy couldn't come that night. She was, first she was, so she called, she goes, "How was it?" And I called, I was like, "Well, I mean, yes, the gay guy in front of us was really upset." Like, we really upset him. He bought those tickets probably before it was even produced, the movie.

• 17:50Speaker 03

  And, you know, Amin and I were making really rude jokes. And like, when Madame Morrible was summoning the tornado, I just couldn't get enough of how rude. Like, she was stormed from the X-Men.

• 18:00Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 18:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, they didn't like it. Anyway, so when I grew up, I grew up, my mother is, you know, Italian and Mexican, right? So that, I grew up with a lot of women who were just these Latin women. And they're very loud. And they're very, like, when I called my Aunt Cindy, she's ready for a comeback at any second. I called her and I said, I was watching J Lo's 73 Questions. I said, "Aunt Cindy, they asked J Lo what her legacy was. So I'm gonna ask you first, what do you think J Lo's legacy was?" And without missing a beat, she said, "Well, not music."

• 18:28Speaker 03

  She ended up posing. She goes, "She can pose." So I-

• 18:32Speaker 04

  Not posing.

• 18:33Speaker 03

  I've never-

• 18:33Speaker 04

  Beautiful gowns. That's a beautiful gowns ass comment.

• 18:35Speaker 03

  Gorgeous gowns.

• 18:36Speaker 04

  Gorgeous gowns.

• 18:38Speaker 03

  So when I grew up watching TV, I grew up with the TV on, but I just never really heard what was happening on it. Because everybody is yelling. We're all trying to be as funny as possible. Where we scream and yell at the TV.

• 18:49Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 18:49Speaker 03

  So that's how I enjoy TV. But I can contain myself and come over and I will do my best. And I will silently watch, phone will be off. I'm very respectful.

• 19:00Speaker 04

  Thank you.

• 19:01Speaker 03

  But then, we need to do a second round.

• 19:03Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 19:03Speaker 03

  Where we sit down and we can scream at it.

• 19:05Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 19:06Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 19:06Speaker 04

  Look, here's what I'm saying. It's just such an important movie to me. There can be some light commentary, but what I don't like, especially when it's me and you, like, okay, if it's just me and you.

• 19:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:15Speaker 04

  Commentary is like, cool, because we can ebb and flow and feel where the other one's at. When it's three or four people and the commentary gets out of control, all of a sudden, it's a competition, especially with gay people, where we're in like, a seventh layer of irony. And it's like, and it's like, and it's like me if I was her shoes right now. "Oh, girl, don't step on me." And it's like, "Shut the fuck." Up. What are you talking? Gets to this place where I'm just like, we are so far removed from the point. I can't stand it, Matteo.

• 19:43Speaker 03

  I, yeah.

• 19:47Speaker 04

  Feeling hit, feeling targeted.

• 19:48Speaker 03

  I mean, I watch a lot of Christmas movies with Nick.

• 19:50Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 19:51Speaker 03

  And it's, it's screaming. At one point, we paused so Nick could scream at the top of his lungs. Like, we get very passionate, follow the drag. We get very passionate when we watch movies.

• 19:59Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 20:00Speaker 03

  But I can do it for you. I can sit down and have light commentary and do it.

• 20:04Speaker 04

  Yeah. What's two?

• 20:05Speaker 03

  I am really nervous. I like, I got like anxious when you said that.

• 20:08Speaker 04

  You shift.

• 20:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 20:09Speaker 04

  I felt you shift.

• 20:10Speaker 03

  I'm very reactive.

• 20:11Speaker 04

  I felt you shift, yeah. I felt, I felt like I hurt my friend, yeah. I felt you get really anxious in general.

• 20:17Speaker 03

  What's the movie that you watch to scream at? Like, I just watched White Christmas with Caitlin Paluffa because we just endlessly yell at how stupid that movie is.

• 20:24Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 20:24Speaker 03

  So do you have movies where you yell at them?

• 20:26Speaker 04

  No.

• 20:26Speaker 03

  No?

• 20:27Speaker 04

  No. I don't know. I don't think so. But you have to understand, I wasn't raised, I wasn't raised Italian or any, there was no, I was raised white rural.

• 20:37Speaker 03

  Right.

• 20:37Speaker 04

  So the moviegoing experience is, is supposed to be like silent reverence bordering on punishment.

• 20:48Speaker 04

  I went to see, I remember the first time I went to a black movie in a black movie theater and I was opened up to how fun you could actually have in life. And I was so excited, but also I was shocked. I didn't know that you could have fun at the theater.

• 21:03Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 21:03Speaker 04

  I mean, you, we went to the theater to be like quiet and watch the movie. I went and saw, and I think it was maybe a Kevin Hart special that they were showing in theaters. And I went to the AMC in Kansas City on Ward Parkway. And it was an all black audience and then like me and three other unaffiliated white people. And the other three white people obviously had been around the block before and knew that it was gonna be like loud and fun and participatory. I did not. So the first time that everyone jumped up and started like throwing shit and screaming, I thought there was like a shooter. I was like, something has happened. Like, I had a gut reaction of like, oh, fuck. And I had the time of my life, but I haven't learned how to stand, I haven't learned how to stand in that myself yet.

• 21:42Speaker 03

  I'm gonna, one time when you're back in Chicago, I'm gonna bring you to my aunt's house. And then we can sit down and watch a movie together with all my cousins. There's 34 of them.

• 21:49Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 21:49Speaker 03

  And you'll, you'll experience.

• 21:53Speaker 03

  We'll get you, we'll warm you up.

• 21:54Speaker 04

  I wanna get, I wanna get to, I wanna get to that place.

• 21:57Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 21:57Speaker 04

  I'd like to be screaming at the television.

• 21:58Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's so fun.

• 21:59Speaker 04

  I love, I would love to let loose. I dream of letting loose.

• 22:02Speaker 03

  I went to, it's good to see people who talk at the theater when it's a scary movie. Amber Nelson, you know Amber Nelson, she's a comedian, she's in LA, she's really funny. When she was living in New York, we went to go see, I think it was some scary movie, I think The Nun, like a really shitty, that's, and that is one of the worst movies ever, The Nun. And, and there's no plot, there's no rhyme or reason, the whole movie's just slop. But I love it, I'll watch it all the time. And when we first saw it, like The Nun's coming down, the music's like, ohhh. You know, the scary shitty music, and Amber in a quiet theater, oh, Jesus fucking Christ. Like, it's, I love it.

• 22:34Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 22:35Speaker 03

  But I know we might get kicked out, that's fine, I don't really care.

• 22:37Speaker 04

  Have you been kicked out of a theater?

• 22:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, many times.

• 22:39Speaker 04

  Matteo.

• 22:40Speaker 03

  I know, me, Marie and Sydney almost got kicked out of It. We went to go see It, and we were really, we were really loud.

• 22:45Speaker 04

  Yeah, I, I need to call Sydney because she has texted me three times and said, uh, when are you back in town? And I've said, right now. And she said, we have to hang out, and I go, yeah. And then the other night, I walked into Union Hall and she was waiting on a car, like at the doorway. Gorgeous, gorgeous hat, gorgeous, you know, looking fabulous. And I, and we, you know, we gave a big hug, and I was like, will you stay and hang out? And she's like, no, I wanna go home, but, um, well, I'll see you soon. And we have not connected. We just keep not making this happen, it's bad.

• 23:15Speaker 03

  Oh, she just called me, I was with her last night at Union Hall, and we took a car together in the, she's always at Union Hall waiting for a car.

• 23:21Speaker 04

  She's always waiting for a car at Union Hall.

• 23:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 23:22Speaker 04

  Yeah, that's Sydney's story.

• 23:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 23:24Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 23:24Speaker 03

  No, movies, I'm not, I don't love movies, I'm not a huge movie person.

• 23:28Speaker 04

  I'm gonna see if they message me back.

• 23:29Speaker 03

  They absolutely messaged you back.

• 23:31Speaker 04

  No, it's still the message about them owing me a coffee and being the accused. Really crazy.

• 23:36Speaker 03

  Isn't that a Jodie Foster movie?

• 23:37Speaker 04

  The Accused?

• 23:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 23:38Speaker 04

  I don't know.

• 23:39Speaker 03

  I think it was, was it?

• 23:41Speaker 04

  Yes, Jodie Foster, Kelly McGinnis.

• 23:44Speaker 03

  It's a really, the plot's not good.

• 23:47Speaker 04

  Did you know else we should watch together?

• 23:48Speaker 03

  What?

• 23:48Speaker 04

  Silence of the Lambs.

• 23:50Speaker 03

  Right.

• 23:51Speaker 04

  You haven't seen it?

• 23:52Speaker 03

  No, I have seen it, I didn't love it.

• 23:54Speaker 04

  No, that's something I would scream at.

• 23:56Speaker 03

  Oh, we would scream at that, okay. Oh, no, no, we should watch The Princess Switch.

• 24:00Speaker 04

  What?

• 24:00Speaker 03

  The Princess Switch. It's the perfect movie to scream at.

• 24:05Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 24:05Speaker 03

  It stars Vanessa Hutchins.

• 24:06Speaker 04

  Thank you.

• 24:07Speaker 03

  You know the movie?

• 24:07Speaker 04

  No.

• 24:08Speaker 03

  Oh, it's a wonderful film. It stars Vanessa Hutchins from High School Musical.

• 24:13Speaker 04

  Of course, yeah.

• 24:14Speaker 03

  And she is a baker in Chicago. There she is. She's a baker in Chicago.

• 24:19Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 24:20Speaker 03

  And she works with this complete homosexual. That's him on the left, but who the whole movie is pretending to be straight and has this. There's a whole thing. Anyhow, so she is a baker in Chicago. She wins a competition. My accent. She wins a competition to, I think, Aldonia, some made up country in Europe that also celebrates Christmas the same way we do. So she flies out there and inexplicably bumps into Vanessa Hutchins, who's a princess. And she, the princess can't take the royal duties. So they decide, ala Lindsay Lohan, parent trap, to learn about each other's lives and switch roles. Then fun ensues.

• 24:54Speaker 04

  Yeah. You know what that reminds me of? I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry.

• 25:00Speaker 03

  That was an Adam Sandler movie.

• 25:02Speaker 04

  You're.

• 25:02Speaker 03

  On a boat or something?

• 25:03Speaker 04

  No, not on a boat. You wish. This is an.

• 25:05Speaker 03

  Was it Adam Sandler, though?

• 25:06Speaker 04

  This is Adam Sandler.

• 25:07Speaker 03

  Right.

• 25:08Speaker 04

  And this, what made me think of it is you saying they decide to learn about each other's lives. Because what happens is Kevin James.

• 25:13Speaker 03

  That was it.

• 25:14Speaker 04

  Is a male widow and he has two.

• 25:18Speaker 03

  Is that what they're called? Male widows?

• 25:20Speaker 04

  No.

• 25:21Speaker 03

  What is a male widow called?

• 25:22Speaker 04

  A widower. A widower.

• 25:23Speaker 03

  A widower.

• 25:24Speaker 04

  I ran with it.

• 25:25Speaker 03

  One who widows others?

• 25:26Speaker 04

  He's a male widow.

• 25:27Speaker 03

  So he's going around killing women's husbands to be the widower?

• 25:30Speaker 04

  He's a male widow and he, he and Adam Sandler are New York City firefighters. And they, oh, he learns that he can get like health insurance or his pension or something if he has a gay partnership.

• 25:45Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 25:46Speaker 04

  For some reason, and they decide to enter into a fake gay partnership to get the benefits that he needs. And Adam Sandler, of course, is a playboy. He's loves ladies and, but they have to be gay. And so then there's a guy who works for the government, Steve Buscemi, who's trying to out them as a fake gay couple.

• 26:04Speaker 03

  This cat.

• 26:05Speaker 04

  As a fake gay couple. Jessica Biel is their lawyer that's trying to help them get gay married convincingly. And yeah, they have to like learn everything about each other and make a fake life together.

• 26:15Speaker 03

  Well, it has a 15% on Rotten Tomatoes.

• 26:17Speaker 04

  They're wrong.

• 26:18Speaker 03

  And I, I, I think I'm on your side.

• 26:20Speaker 04

  They're wrong.

• 26:21Speaker 03

  I think this kind of slop, schlackster, what is it? Schlock, is that the word I'm looking for?

• 26:26Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 26:26Speaker 03

  This sort of shit comedy from the early aughts.

• 26:29Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 26:29Speaker 03

  Is coming back. I think that this now went from offensive to this is our new Shakespeare.

• 26:36Speaker 04

  I genuinely like it.

• 26:37Speaker 03

  I would watch it. Oh, my God.

• 26:40Speaker 04

  So there's an offensive.

• 26:42Speaker 03

  I can already see Rob Schneider doing something wildly offensive.

• 26:44Speaker 04

  Rob Schneider, Asian character that of course, we should not be having in there. Rob Schneider is going to hell when he dies, not for his roles.

• 26:53Speaker 03

  I met Caroline's years ago and he almost fired me on the spot. This is like 2013 and I was like an up and coming comic and he, they were like, can you, because Caroline used to be headlining club and they were like, can you host for Rob Schneider this weekend? And in my head, I'll, I'll take anything, you know?

• 27:07Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 27:08Speaker 03

  And I, I put on a suit and I look like shit and I don't wear suits. I hate today, wearing suits.

• 27:13Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 27:13Speaker 03

  And I just bombed so hard for the Rob Schneider audience and he was screaming at me off the side of the stage to get the fuck off the stage.

• 27:20Speaker 04

  No, he was not.

• 27:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, he was.

• 27:21Speaker 04

  While you were on stage.

• 27:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, get the fuck off the stage, da, da, da, da. I mean, to be fair, I was absolutely not the right fit.

• 27:27Speaker 04

  Right.

• 27:27Speaker 03

  For the show.

• 27:28Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 27:29Speaker 03

  And that's my only, oh, and then I met him years later. I did the Dave, David Spade Show on Comedy Central and he was sitting next to me or, you know, it's like those jokes where you're making jokes at those shows, blah, blah, blah. Anyways, he looked at me, he goes, you're very, very funny. Uh, what's your name? Where are you from? And I didn't, I didn't want to say you fired me at Caroline's when I wore a suit.

• 27:47Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 27:47Speaker 03

  But that's my memory of Rob Schneider. And he was wearing that outfit from that movie.

• 27:52Speaker 04

  You don't want to be good at opening for Rob Schneider.

• 27:54Speaker 03

  No.

• 27:54Speaker 04

  No.

• 27:54Speaker 03

  No, no, no.

• 27:55Speaker 04

  I don't like his audience. He's a fucking hack and a freak.

• 27:57Speaker 03

  He's terrible. But you know, when you're 26 and you don't have, you live in a toilet and you're at, you're trying to perform and they're like, do you want to open for Rob Schneider? And I was like, awesome. And then I bombed.

• 28:08Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 28:08Speaker 03

  I don't think they liked gay people.

• 28:09Speaker 04

  No, I don't think they do. I don't think they do.

• 28:12Speaker 03

  Lesson learned.

• 28:13Speaker 04

  He's doing like mega rallies and shit now.

• 28:14Speaker 03

  Is he?

• 28:15Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 28:15Speaker 03

  I don't really, that was the last time I ever experienced anything with Rob.

• 28:18Speaker 04

  He's one of those, it's an interesting thing that's happened to him that's happened to a couple of celebrities.

• 28:24Speaker 04

  In the Trump era, which is they're so hard up for celeb endorsements that like they're reviving the careers of like practically dead bodies. People like Rob Schneider and Kid Rock, who haven't done anything meaningful ever, if in decades. And yeah, he's like, now he's a big mega guy and he's only gotten deeper into it because it's the only thing that's working because he's not talented. And so now we're all having to sort of deal with that.

• 28:47Speaker 03

  Right. Well, not us. They can deal with that. I mean, that's what they're scraping the bottom of the barrel.

• 28:56Speaker 04

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• 31:54Speaker 04

  It is so funny. I just saw a clip of Carolyn Levitt, the 28-going-on-70 young woman that is Trump's press secretary.

• 32:02Speaker 03

  Going on 70?

• 32:04Speaker 04

  She has the worst lip filler in the country, which is a lot to say. She has a 60-year-old husband who she has a kid with.

• 32:10Speaker 03

  He's 60?

• 32:11Speaker 04

  Her husband, yes. And by the way, mind you, the clip was her saying very earnestly, "You know, I think President Trump has made being Republican cool again." Girl, you're busted as fuck. You're married to a 60-year-old. You're praising your boss on national television? There's nothing less cool than this.

• 32:31Speaker 03

  I was gonna say, when you're that big of a suck-up, like anything, they're like, "Trump yesterday said someone deserves to die." And then she'll be like, "And you're an idiot for even thinking." I'm like, "How are you trying to spin this on us right now? We all see what you're doing."

• 32:47Speaker 04

  And they think they're so good at it, and it's like, "No, the people who like you are just stupid." They literally will be like, "So President Trump said one of the most vile things we've ever heard yesterday." And she goes, "The fact that you would try to distract from the President's America-first agenda..." It's like, you're not slick, you stupid bitch. You look horrible and you're dumb.

• 33:04Speaker 03

  She's working on fear. Like, she, they're all working on fear, right? They're stepping into a position that they know they don't want to be in, but they want some kind of power and so they put their, it's all ego, ego, ego. But they're, they're functioning basically on fear.

• 33:18Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 33:18Speaker 03

  She knows that her life is really on the line here. Like, her job is on the line. So she just has to, it doesn't matter what Trump does or says, it's just, "He's fine and good and you're an idiot." And she's just gaslighting everybody, but she's gaslighting herself. So, and that will end, as everything does with him. It'll all end in shit. He ruins every relationship he ever has. And then they turn around and say, "He's a monster." And no one cares.

• 33:40Speaker 04

  That's why I think Marjorie Taylor Greene is the most compelling figure in American politics right now.

• 33:44Speaker 03

  Isn't it wild?

• 33:45Speaker 04

  It's crazy because she's in one breath being like, "Yeah, I was wrong. Donald Trump's a fraud and he's never gonna do the things he said he would do. And also, we have to put trans people in prison."

• 33:54Speaker 03

  I know.

• 33:55Speaker 04

  Like psychotic whiplash of like, the coolest thing you've ever heard, and then the most evil immediately.

• 34:00Speaker 03

  Because we have to be careful on our side too. Like, even if someone is starting to like, say things that we agree with, like, we also have to like, look and see what they're actually voting on.

• 34:09Speaker 04

  Right.

• 34:09Speaker 03

  Before we jump ship and be like, "She's one of us now." It's like, no, you know what I mean? She's just crazy lady who is kind of coming around to the fact that she was lying to herself and many others.

• 34:20Speaker 04

  Also, you should, you should feel bad about supporting Trump. You should feel that you got duped. But if you don't like trans people, it's a fuck you, it's a no-go. I don't, that's the thing, is she's supporting this like, anti-trans bill right now. And I'm like, okay, so...

• 34:32Speaker 03

  And three Democrats voted for it or something?

• 34:34Speaker 04

  Well, the Democrats are fucking hopeless. I mean, what, what does it even mean at this point?

• 34:37Speaker 03

  I, y'all, y'all.

• 34:38Speaker 04

  I can't.

• 34:38Speaker 03

  Same.

• 34:39Speaker 04

  Um, but yeah, I don't, I don't fucking get it. But they're, yeah, she randomly will say like, some of the coolest things I've ever heard. And I'm, it's really confusing and distracting.

• 34:47Speaker 03

  There's a lot of people that just don't know who they are, but they really want attention and fame and to feel that they belong. And the sacrifices they make to get to that place, unfortunately, especially in, you know, Washington. I think a lot of them don't realize that there's a lot of people's lives in their hands. I think they're still thinking for themselves, they're lobbyists, they're, you know, they like that attention. But I'm like, I don't think you're really interacting with the people that you're either voting for or against.

• 35:13Speaker 04

  No.

• 35:13Speaker 03

  And maybe you should.

• 35:15Speaker 04

  Also, part of the issue i- in American politics is that people who represent a small district in Georgia, of all very homogenous, small district in Georgia, get, by virtue of our fucked up media ecosystem and our like politician worship thing that we have been doing for god knows why.

• 35:32Speaker 03

  Way too long.

• 35:33Speaker 04

  Way too long and who knows why. And I also don't like it when we do it with leftists either. But by virtue of that, now this person who represents a tiny little homogenous district in a state like Georgia, has like, national media attention. That doesn't make any sense.

• 35:47Speaker 03

  Well, then you think that's, the other problem too, is everything on the fringe is sort of what each side goes for. And most of the things in the middle are the things that need to be worked out and no one really talks about it because it doesn't get them views, it doesn't get them clout, it doesn't get, like, these 50 year old senators are basically the same as a 13 year old TikToker. They're just doing and saying what they can to get on MSNBC or Fox and talk and, you know, I get the next votes and it's like, kind of, um, oh, I didn't think that's what you were elected for, but that's cool.

• 36:14Speaker 04

  I didn't think that's really why you were there.

• 36:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 36:16Speaker 04

  I do love that guy. I never remember his name, but that, um, fucked up, ugly, crazy old psycho from like Louisiana.

• 36:22Speaker 03

  John Belushi. No, not John Belushi. What was his name? Uh, no, what's his, not John Belushi. What's his name? I was just talking about Nick the other day. He was in, uh.

• 36:29Speaker 04

  He's a guy that goes like, I'm not saying you're the dumbest person alive, but you better hope to sec, the dumbest person alive doesn't die. Like, he's like, he has like all these like, wittisms and he's on the news, he's on the news, being like, I think Hillary Clinton's the reason they got directions on shampoo bottles. You know, like, he's insane, but he's really funny. He's funny in a way that's like.

• 36:51Speaker 03

  Gary Busey. I was gonna make a joke about, you said crazy and I was gonna make a joke, it's ruined, but, um.

• 36:54Speaker 04

  Fuck, it's over.

• 36:55Speaker 03

  No, I, uh, any, any, it's hard to separate the artist from the, of the person from the artistry, so to speak, but there, there is something great about just watching a bunch of idiots.

• 37:06Speaker 04

  For sure.

• 37:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:07Speaker 04

  It's a lot of fun. I like someone who's like, genuinely crazy, but like, really does enjoy, like, he's like an old school southern nut job that like, just loves the performance of it all. You know, he just really wants to get a joke off at the coffee shop.

• 37:22Speaker 03

  Do you think he stole a book at a coffee shop ever?

• 37:25Speaker 04

  I'm so distressed.

• 37:25Speaker 03

  Do you think he came in as an accuser?

• 37:27Speaker 04

  I'm so distressed by that to this moment.

• 37:29Speaker 07

  I want everyone to know that I wasn't able to get this position for a long time because I had on my record that I was accused of stealing a cookbook from a coffee shop and I ain't never gonna forgive them, sons of bitches.

• 37:39Speaker 04

  You killed that.

• 37:41Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 37:41Speaker 04

  The way that you kind of rolled through that was very... You kept it going in a very correct way.

• 37:46Speaker 03

  I could do a lot of different accents.

• 37:48Speaker 04

  I know you can.

• 37:49Speaker 03

  But I can't do like, I can't make myself straight. If I make myself straight accent, I have to pretend I'm Evan, my friend Evan Williams, the comedian Evan Williams. That's the only way it can be straight.

• 37:58Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 37:59Speaker 07

  Yeah, man, what's up?

• 38:00Speaker 04

  Ugh. Ew, ew, ew, turn it off, turn it off.

• 38:02Speaker 07

  It's crazy, man.

• 38:03Speaker 04

  Don't do the lip thing, don't do the lip thing.

• 38:04Speaker 07

  I know, but he doesn't have lips.

• 38:05Speaker 04

  Matteo, no, no.

• 38:07Speaker 07

  He's gotta talk like that, man.

• 38:08Speaker 04

  Turn it off.

• 38:08Speaker 07

  He's gonna... But I can't.

• 38:09Speaker 04

  Dude, no, ew, stop. I'm gonna throw up. Matteo, don't. I'll be Liza. I don't like, I like that better. Yeah. I like you as Liza.

• 38:18Speaker 03

  My current favorite Liza quote is she was talking about the look for cabaret and she goes, "So I was talking to my dad. I said, 'Do I have to pluck my eyebrows or dye my hair blonde?' And he said, 'No, no, no, no, no, darling.'" And he pulled a book and he showed me Lea DePouty and Louise Guam. And he said, "There's a way you can do this."

• 38:46Speaker 04

  When are you gonna do Broadway?

• 38:47Speaker 03

  I would love to do Broadway, but can I be honest with you? Eight shows a week, like...

• 38:51Speaker 04

  No.

• 38:51Speaker 03

  I'm old, like, I'm almost 40 and I just did five shows in Madison, which I rarely do anymore. But I was like, "I'm working on the material, so I'm gonna pick up a club before this theater, blah, blah, blah." And so I did five shows and by the end I was like, "I am fucking exhausted." And Evan was like, "Yeah, you're not 25 anymore." Like, five shows back to back to back in between on play, like, I'm tired.

• 39:12Speaker 04

  How old is Evan?

• 39:13Speaker 03

  Evan's 37.

• 39:15Speaker 04

  Okay, good. I didn't want him talking to you that way.

• 39:16Speaker 03

  No, no, no. And we came up in comedy together, so he knows.

• 39:20Speaker 04

  Good.

• 39:20Speaker 03

  But I would, but eight shows a week?

• 39:22Speaker 04

  No.

• 39:22Speaker 03

  Oh, can I tell you the most New York thing I ever heard?

• 39:24Speaker 04

  Tell me right now.

• 39:25Speaker 03

  I saw, and I'm sorry to cut you off.

• 39:26Speaker 04

  You didn't.

• 39:27Speaker 03

  Okay. I saw Audra McDonald in Gypsy and she was phenomenal. And I went to the two o'clock show, so you know she has an eight o'clock show that night. So the difference between a New Yorker watching a Broadway show and a tourist is this. We're leaving and everyone's kind of stuck together getting out of the theater and a tourist said, "She was so..." Amazing. That was unbelievable. I feel so blessed to have seen her performance. New Yorker right next to her. She has to do this again?

• 39:59Speaker 03

  I'm exhausted.

• 40:00Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 40:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:01Speaker 04

  I don't know how they do it, Matteo. I literally, when I, because here's the biggest thing I've learned about myself. And I probably need to change. Maybe there's some kind of medication or routine I need to go on. But I need, I need medically, the ability to change my schedule every day at any given moment.

• 40:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:17Speaker 04

  I need it. I need the ability to go, mm, I'm not doing, I mean, these poor people suffer from this every week. I literally, some, I, I'll be an hour out from something I have promised to do. And I'll go, we have to push it. I can't, I'm just not, it's not the mood today.

• 40:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:31Speaker 04

  I need to be in a robe. I need to be like pushing engagements. I need to be having a Dr. Pepper in a wine glass. I can't be doing two shows a day.

• 40:40Speaker 03

  It's a lot.

• 40:41Speaker 04

  It's crazy.

• 40:42Speaker 03

  It is a lot.

• 40:43Speaker 04

  Tour is hard for me and I get to choose what I say up there. I mean, I can't believe.

• 40:46Speaker 03

  But don't you also like, I don't do the show, like I do weekends because I need time away from my jo, like I get sick of my jokes. If I do two shows in a night and then I have to fly to another city and do another show, like that's just the weekend. By like the third or fourth show, like I'm, I'm tired of my jokes. I need some freshness. So you want to be away from it. So if I'm doing a Broadway show every day, it's like, don't you ever see Alpha Buzz sometimes on Broadway? Like, and you'll see her defying gravity and you're like, aren't you exhausted of this shit?

• 41:14Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 41:14Speaker 03

  You know what I mean? So if you care to find me, ugh.

• 41:17Speaker 04

  That's how it feels.

• 41:18Speaker 03

  Yeah. Oh, but memorizing lines is so hard.

• 41:21Speaker 04

  I know. I ju, I just had the hardest, I, we just filmed my movie in Chicago and I, uh, am in every single scene and have like long dialogue in a lot of them.

• 41:30Speaker 03

  How did you do it?

• 41:31Speaker 04

  It was so fucking hard.

• 41:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:33Speaker 04

  I tried to do most of it before the movie to just be like, I helped that I co-wrote the script. So like some of it was in there sometimes, but it was really hard.

• 41:41Speaker 03

  But when you do, like I was in a movie, uh, called Maintenance Required and I played. And, um.

• 41:48Speaker 04

  Have you played that role before or after?

• 41:49Speaker 03

  No, this was new for me and I. I was really uncomfortable at first, but I thought, you know what, I'm really gonna like, like dig deep down and see what I can find. And turns out, uh, working at Michael's Arts and Crafts really helped. Oh, I want to talk about heated rivalry in a minute. But anyhow, I, I, I, my lines were always like, girlfriend, you know, like that kind of thing, right? And even that was hard.

• 42:13Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 42:14Speaker 03

  Even playing for me, I was like, God, this is a lot of lines.

• 42:17Speaker 04

  To memorize how he says, yeah. I truly, someone at a party recently was like, oh my God, I, it was maybe like last year, they're like, I saw your, I had, I was in two little films that were, uh, short films that were at, um, Sundance. I don't, can't remember if it was Sundance. They were at a festival. One was at Sundance and two were at another one. I don't remember what. But someone at a party said to me, oh, I just saw your short film at the festival. I said, oh, was I gay best friend or gay assistant?

• 42:43Speaker 04

  Cause those were the two that I was, and I was like.

• 42:44Speaker 03

  Those are the only roles that you get, like, cause I'm not, I mean, I'm not an actor by any means, but like, when you get like auditions, like my agent will be like, this, we think this one's a really good one for you. And then when it is a gay role, the gay role is written by like a straight guy who is what he thinks a gay guy is. I'm like, I'd rather AI, which I don't even stand by. Like, I'd rather dry up a town to get somewhat of a, you know? I mean, instead of this sort of like, girl, I can't even believe that that's the, you know what I mean? Just like this sort of like, you know, like movies, like how they talk now, it's not really how they talk.

• 43:16Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 43:16Speaker 03

  You know, it's like, how was your weekend? What if you consider me going into the airport for four hours and then having to stand behind the most mustardy smell person I've ever met my entire life? I suppose you say that my weekend was all right?

• 43:29Speaker 04

  Wait, that is literally what they're like now.

• 43:30Speaker 03

  Yeah. I'm like, that's not how they talk. Like, what is this?

• 43:33Speaker 04

  I'm trying to fix it.

• 43:35Speaker 03

  Please.

• 43:35Speaker 04

  I'm trying to fix it.

• 43:36Speaker 03

  Please.

• 43:37Speaker 04

  They need to have more cuss words as well. People cuss.

• 43:39Speaker 03

  They just need to listen to humans. I don't know. Like what, like what, that's like the most basic research, like just, they need to take their headphones off at like a coffee shop where they're not stealing a book and listen to other people talk.

• 43:51Speaker 04

  Matteo, I didn't steal it. I was vindicated. I'm one of the accused.

• 43:54Speaker 03

  You seem nervous when I came in.

• 43:56Speaker 04

  I was. That's the crazy thing. I literally, do you know what's crazy about me is I was like, this is a small business that I love. There was a part of me in my head that went, did I grab a book? Like, there's one where I was like, maybe I accidentally, like it was like in the bag or something. Like I was like.

• 44:10Speaker 03

  I think that's a sign that you're an empathetic person and you care, that you were self-reflective enough to look at yourself and say, did I steal a cookbook while getting coffee?

• 44:20Speaker 03

  Do you know what I mean? Like, that means you're like a good person.

• 44:22Speaker 04

  Are you in therapy?

• 44:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:24Speaker 04

  Really?

• 44:24Speaker 03

  Are you kidding?

• 44:25Speaker 04

  Once a week?

• 44:26Speaker 03

  Yeah, once a week.

• 44:27Speaker 04

  Hour?

• 44:27Speaker 03

  Uh, yeah, one hour.

• 44:29Speaker 04

  One hour a week?

• 44:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:30Speaker 04

  Guy or girl?

• 44:31Speaker 03

  Guy.

• 44:31Speaker 04

  Older?

• 44:32Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 44:32Speaker 04

  Gay?

• 44:33Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 44:33Speaker 04

  Hmm, how's it going?

• 44:34Speaker 03

  Good.

• 44:35Speaker 04

  Yeah?

• 44:35Speaker 03

  He's really great.

• 44:36Speaker 04

  What are you talking about in there right now?

• 44:37Speaker 03

  Uh, well, but...

• 44:42Speaker 03

  Honestly, we're talking about right now, like, I'm, I'm very insecure. You know, I'm really sensitive. I'm very rea- like, yeah, I'm just like a very sensitive person.

• 44:51Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 44:52Speaker 03

  So, trying to work through stuff like that.

• 44:53Speaker 04

  I do know that you're very sensitive, which I love about you. Insecure kind of surprises me. What are we insecure? Like, in what? How is that showing up?

• 45:00Speaker 03

  I think it ju- well, it shows up more in personal life, I feel. Like, with friendships or relationships, or, you know, I really want to people please, and I'm afraid everyone's mad at me. Like, very classic signs of, like, trauma. And, um, on stage and in work, I'm, I'm like the opposite. Like, I've taken that kind of weakness. Now, we're doing, like, Inside the Actors Studio. But, you know, like, when you're on stage, the vulnerability is a strength.

• 45:23Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 45:24Speaker 03

  And so, I feel more, like, I don't know, more confident? Like, I, I always feel confident on stage. That's where I feel the most comfortable and confident.

• 45:33Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 45:33Speaker 03

  And then offstage, I'm like, did I hurt someone's feelings? Is it something, you know? I'm always worried about hurting someone's feelings, you know?

• 45:38Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 45:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:39Speaker 04

  That's so interesting. I don't, yeah, I don't find, I don't think... You're so thoughtful and sweet. I don't think you would really hurt anyone's feelings, ever, do you? Do you, have you, have you recently?

• 45:48Speaker 03

  There's jokes I've made, and people will write me, be like, this really was offensive, you know?

• 45:52Speaker 04

  Oh, you can't, I'm talking about in real life.

• 45:53Speaker 03

  Oh, in real life? No, not really. I mean, I will go off on people in public. Like, I am from Chicago, and I am Italian, like, and I am gay. So, that's a terrible combination, and I will scream at people in public sometimes. But, um, besides that, no, I'm really nice.

• 46:06Speaker 04

  I had a moment yesterday where Brittany Broski was in here recording an episode of the show.

• 46:09Speaker 03

  I love her. I, I've never met her, but she's great.

• 46:11Speaker 04

  You guys need to hang out.

• 46:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, I would love to meet her.

• 46:13Speaker 04

  She's brilliant. She's so funny and so smart. And so, you guys will love each other. Actually, do you need to make that happen?

• 46:17Speaker 03

  I would love it.

• 46:18Speaker 04

  We were standing on the street. We had gotten lunch, and we were a little stoned. We were very stoned. And two things happened at once. This guy, we're on the sidewalk, where people walk, and it's important for the story that we all agree on that. A man on a bike, uh, is biking towards us, and he goes, "Excuse me, excuse me." And I go, "Yeah, excuse you. That's not what the sidewalk's for, buddy. Go around."

• 46:38Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 46:39Speaker 04

  And then, while I was doing that, a girl one feet away, who certainly heard me have that reaction to him, goes, "Sorry, I'm just like a huge fan. Have a good day." I was like, not right now, bro. I'm giving this guy the fucking riot act about biking on the sidewalk.

• 46:53Speaker 03

  No, I'm very much, I'm a rule follower. So if I see someone on the sidewalk on a bike and stuff, I do the exact same thing.

• 46:59Speaker 04

  I'm not much of a rule follower, but I am, uh, there are certain things like that, that I'm like, if you're gonna bike on the sidewalk, that's fine. You have to either wait for us to get out of the way and do it quietly, or you have to go around. You absolutely do not get to yell, excuse me, excuse me, at me when I'm doing what I meant to do.

• 47:17Speaker 03

  That's right.

• 47:18Speaker 04

  You get the fuck off the bike or be quiet. Those are your options. You don't get to be on the bike in the wrong place and yell at me. It's three things too many.

• 47:26Speaker 03

  I agree.

• 47:27Speaker 04

  Yeah, I don't like that.

• 47:28Speaker 03

  I still feel bad that when you came to my first show, you snapped and I yelled at you.

• 47:31Speaker 04

  I remember it every day.

• 47:32Speaker 03

  I still feel bad about it.

• 47:33Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 47:34Speaker 03

  But even though I was like, I explained it and then I told you, I was like, I was a different time. Like, and people, when you're the only gay in comedy and these rooms and the clubs and people heckle you and blah, blah. And da, da, da. And then I was like, no, Caleb's right. I-

• 47:45Speaker 04

  Did I tell you, did I ever, when I told you about that, did I ever tell you the joke you were doing?

• 47:49Speaker 03

  No, what was I saying?

• 47:50Speaker 04

  You, I remember the joke you were doing because I loved the joke. And before I got humiliated by one of my favorite comics. For the uninitiated, a quick, a quick catch up is that when I was in college, I was interning in New York and I went, I went on the skint.com to find something to do, free and cheap. And I love that website, by the way, the skint, I don't need any money from you. I love you. You're doing great work. But I found a comedy show in Brooklyn, took some of my intern friends to-

• 48:15Speaker 03

  There's that knitting factory. I think.

• 48:17Speaker 04

  I don't think it was.

• 48:19Speaker 03

  No.

• 48:19Speaker 04

  I think it was at like a bar, I think it was like a, I think it was like a bar show.

• 48:23Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 48:23Speaker 04

  But it was early in the, uh, like late afternoon, early evening. It was an odd kind of timed show. We were trying to squeeze in something before another thing, I remember. And you were doing a joke that I almost brought up earlier in this episode where you were like, yeah, I'm trying to act more right now. I'm working with a voice coach because, uh, you know, I went out for a football character. And if I don't get this voicing under control, he's gonna have a secret, you know?

• 48:43Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 48:44Speaker 04

  And it was-

• 48:44Speaker 03

  Zach 19, football player. Well, Zach's gonna have a secret to share with everyone.

• 48:47Speaker 04

  Exactly correct.

• 48:48Speaker 03

  I remember that joke.

• 48:48Speaker 04

  And I loved that joke and that's when I started snapping.

• 48:52Speaker 03

  I'm sorry.

• 48:52Speaker 04

  And that's when I got in trouble.

• 48:54Speaker 03

  I'm so sorry.

• 48:54Speaker 04

  And I started snapping at Matteo's joke because I hadn't been to a lot of comedy shows.

• 48:58Speaker 03

  Good, I made that very clear.

• 48:59Speaker 04

  I started snapping and Matteo was like, oh, please. Yeah, let's degrade this a little bit more. Snap at my joke. That's all I said, by the way. Getting huge laughs. Everyone else in the room, huge laughs.

• 49:11Speaker 03

  I just was more aggressive back then. You know, I was like a prey in a sea of predators. Like I, you know, there wasn't a lot of gays doing comedy. I mean, if there was, like me or Joel Kim Booster or like Julio Torres, they never put us on the same show.

• 49:27Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 49:27Speaker 03

  So all of us got to experience separately, like what that was like back in the day when we're back in my day, you know, like we're doing these shows and it's all street audiences. And so you, I was more aggressive. Bob used to say all the times, like Matteo, I've, it's like every time I go to a show of yours, I'm just expecting you to yell at somebody in the audience. And I'm much nicer now.

• 49:46Speaker 04

  You are.

• 49:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:47Speaker 04

  You've never yelled at me since then.

• 49:49Speaker 03

  No.

• 49:50Speaker 04

  We went many years without seeing each other again. And then we met again.

• 49:54Speaker 03

  I'm so sorry.

• 49:55Speaker 04

  No, it was so funny. It was complete. And also you were right. I just didn't know. So it was, I, I loved getting to be involved.

• 50:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:02Speaker 04

  I was like, yeah, I was involved in the show. It was fun for me.

• 50:06Speaker 03

  And then you never forgot. I'm, I did love that joke. I was auditioning, they wanted me to audition for, um, uh, Glee. And that was the character description.

• 50:17Speaker 04

  Zach.

• 50:17Speaker 03

  I was like, I was, I was, now I'm 173 pounds. I was 130.

• 50:22Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 50:22Speaker 03

  And I had one eyebrow and I had a mullet and I was balding and I was gay as a picnic basket, wearing an American Apparel shirt, walking in there. They said, sing two bars of any song. I sang Mariah Carey's Underneath the Stars.

• 50:35Speaker 04

  What? Matteo!

• 50:36Speaker 03

  And then audition as a football player.

• 50:42Speaker 03

  Shocker, didn't get the part.

• 50:43Speaker 04

  Didn't book, didn't book.

• 50:45Speaker 03

  I did not book it.

• 50:46Speaker 04

  That is so fucking funny. What is, what do you think's the best audition you've ever had?

• 50:51Speaker 03

  Um, I don't audition a lot, so I don't know. Uh, I had one, I was like a, kind of like modern day Romeo and Juliet or something. And I played sort of the character that talked like this and did a lot of that. And that felt really good. And I made it all the way to the end and talked to the director and then they gave it to someone who had credits.

• 51:09Speaker 04

  Yeah. Well, that's how it goes.

• 51:11Speaker 03

  No one really hires me. I just sort of put things on YouTube and hope for the best.

• 51:16Speaker 04

  What do you want to do? Is there a thing that you'd love to do?

• 51:18Speaker 03

  I think it'd be a really good like talk show host. I love the show Chatty Man with Alan Carr.

• 51:23Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 51:23Speaker 03

  And I like engaging with people and I like talking to people. And there could be different segments, whether it's singing or like you could do a vice special or like cooking segments, like stuff that I can kind of incorporate all the things that I do together. But um.

• 51:36Speaker 04

  We need your talk show bad.

• 51:37Speaker 03

  Do we?

• 51:38Speaker 04

  There, no, genuinely, I maybe can't think of a better person to have a talk show.

• 51:43Speaker 03

  I mean, I would enjoy it. Also, it would be something like the, I've never had a project I can sink my teeth into. I'm just kind of leapfrogging from one thing to the next. Like, the only thing steady in my life is stand up.

• 51:53Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 51:53Speaker 03

  Because, you know, I have a tour and that's my favorite thing to do. But everything else is like, I don't know what to do with myself.

• 52:01Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 52:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:02Speaker 04

  That makes sense to me. I, the, the, the idea of you having a talk show is very exciting to me.

• 52:06Speaker 03

  I think that'd be fun.

• 52:07Speaker 04

  I like that.

• 52:07Speaker 03

  I met a really good producer and we chatted for like three hours and he's, we're gonna talk in the new year.

• 52:13Speaker 04

  Do you know my favorite uh thing anyone's done with a talk show probably ever is Kelly Clarkson just deciding to do covers on her own show.

• 52:20Speaker 03

  Oh, she's so.

• 52:21Speaker 04

  I can't stop talking about it. I love this choice.

• 52:23Speaker 03

  And her voice is, she's underrated as a singer. Like, she's probably one of the best voices we have today working. I mean, she can do anything with the voice.

• 52:33Speaker 04

  She can. Her fucking, that outfield song that she covered. That, whoa, couldn't believe it.

• 52:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:42Speaker 04

  I like my girl's a little bit older and she winks at the camera. I mean, of course, that shifted something for the lesbian community in a huge way. But it shifted something for me as well.

• 52:51Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 52:51Speaker 04

  I loved that.

• 52:53Speaker 03

  She has whistle tones too.

• 52:54Speaker 04

  She's so cool.

• 52:55Speaker 03

  She rarely uses them, like, you know, Mariah Carey whistle tones, Ariana. Like, she's could do anything with her voice and she's.

• 53:00Speaker 04

  She's charming and down to earth.

• 53:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:02Speaker 04

  Kelly Clarkson, Kelly Clarkson, Drew Barrymore has the same quality. I love them both. They both seem like people that you would genuinely like to hang out with.

• 53:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:11Speaker 04

  There's an earnestness and a warmth that I don't know how you'd be. I don't know how you'd be famous from as young of an age for as long as they both have. Drew, obviously, a way different and bigger thing.

• 53:21Speaker 03

  Right.

• 53:22Speaker 04

  In terms of timeline, but and still be so normal seeming and cool.

• 53:26Speaker 03

  I did, when I did Drew's show in April for, for my cookbook, which I can give you one. You don't have to steal it.

• 53:32Speaker 04

  I'm taking it. I want to.

• 53:34Speaker 03

  I have like a pile, like, but she was so wonderful, but there was one point she did something that made me laugh because she, we were, we had a really great segment and she was like, Matteo, where have you been my whole life? And I was trying to be funny. I was like, well, I know we're neighbors because we live in the same neighborhood. I was like, so we could, we should hang out sometime. And she, this was her response.

• 53:59Speaker 03

  And I was like, Kay.

• 54:02Speaker 04

  We also don't have to, by the way.

• 54:03Speaker 03

  I was like, I thought, I don't know, just for TV, she could have said yes, but she just, you know, she kind of just shut down like and smiled, but yeah, it was great.

• 54:11Speaker 04

  You say her address. You're like, I know you live at.

• 54:15Speaker 04

  That is so fucking funny. Matteo, what's so true to you?

• 54:18Speaker 03

  What's so true to me is, and I've heard my friends talk about this before, but I know, I, I know, we were talking about this last night, that it doesn't always have to be a complaint.

• 54:29Speaker 03

  But there are times I'm really tired. And I'm trying to sleep and it's a 6 a.m. flight. And the crew is really gossiping.

• 54:40Speaker 04

  Stop.

• 54:41Speaker 03

  And Phil Hanley talked about this before. We talked about this and I talked about this with my friend Leo. And I love flight attendants. I'm so nice flight attendants, but that's why I'll never sit. I'll sit as like far away from that section because it's 6 a.m. I've done five shows. I'm exhausted. I just need to sleep for the next hour and a half. This flight is.

• 54:59Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 55:00Speaker 03

  So that I can try and get to the next show and all I hear is, did you hear that Sandra took off yesterday? What a fucking bitch. Listen, I'm not going to trust those onion rings over there because, no, throw them out. And I, oh, you know, here's another so true.

• 55:14Speaker 04

  I love this one.

• 55:15Speaker 03

  Stop calling, it's all about planes. I'm one of my eighties comic, like, my vibrator has two settings, on and on. I'm in like a shit like zoot suit. But when you say mixed nuts, you don't mean mixed nuts. You mean almonds and friend.

• 55:30Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 55:31Speaker 03

  Because it's eight hundred almonds and one peanut.

• 55:36Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 55:36Speaker 03

  And I'm fucking sick of it. I'm sick of almonds. They need to mind their own goddamn fucking business.

• 55:42Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 55:42Speaker 03

  Almonds and friend. I now, when I get them, take them, put them out, separate the almonds from the rest of the nuts, and then send it to Amina Imani, just to let her know, almonds and friend.

• 55:52Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 55:52Speaker 03

  And not friends.

• 55:53Speaker 04

  Friend. Friend singular.

• 55:55Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 55:56Speaker 04

  My flight so true is you know damn well, every single person knows, unless you are six, or you've truly never flown in your life, and even then, basic, like, common sense should tell you, you know goddamn well when it is and is not appropriate to have that fucking window shade up. If it is a morning flight, you son of a bitch, put that fucking window shade down.

• 56:19Speaker 03

  And let me just say this.

• 56:21Speaker 04

  Say it.

• 56:21Speaker 03

  Everybody else has their windows shut, and you decide to be the fucking star of Bethlehem for Jesus to send the three wise men for Christmas, this shining light that would make the Death Star blush. I don't know, understand. And you're just saying, and you're not even looking out the window. You just, they need their light.

• 56:40Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 56:40Speaker 03

  It's so infuriating.

• 56:41Speaker 04

  It's crazy.

• 56:42Speaker 03

  I'm like, oh, cool, the nativity scenes in 4Q. Like, I don't understand. I get it. Sorry, I'm furious about it.

• 56:49Speaker 04

  Well, they also, anytime you bring this up, I think, feel like annoying people will be like, be like, well, I can do what I want at my seat. I got the window seat. I'm gonna beat the shit out of you.

• 56:57Speaker 03

  Really?

• 56:58Speaker 04

  You can do whatever. What are you, 12?

• 57:00Speaker 03

  Do you tell them to shut it? Have you ever said anything?

• 57:01Speaker 04

  Oh, absolutely.

• 57:02Speaker 03

  Yeah, I do too.

• 57:03Speaker 04

  On a morning flight, I had a guy, there was a guy, last year, I was on a flight, it was a super morning flight, early flight, it was like, 6 a.m. takeoff. I don't even remember where we were going to or from. But I needed to sleep and we were in first class and the guy, the row over from me, I was in the window seat on my side. He, it was like one up and over, the perfect like fuck you light, you know what I mean? And he pulled his thing up and I got up out of my seat because I do want to yell across people. And I walked over and I was like, hey, I'm so sorry to bother you and like totally no big deal if you don't want to. Would you mind closing that? It's an early morning flight and like many of us are trying to sleep.

• 57:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 57:36Speaker 04

  And he was like, uh, yeah, I guess. And I was like, thank you so much.

• 57:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 57:39Speaker 04

  And he like angrily shut it. And I was like, I don't, you can shut that as angry as you want to, brother. Shut that fucking window. Like, I was very polite about it, but I was like, come on.

• 57:49Speaker 03

  But it, it also too, like, by the way, flight attendants, I love you. It's just the gossiping at six AM's a lot. Um, but I, I, yeah, it's, it's like the, you know, it really angers me. It's the selfishness of knowing that other people around you and are upset about it and you still choose to just go off on your own.

• 58:07Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 58:08Speaker 03

  Path, I don't know.

• 58:09Speaker 04

  Listening to stuff out loud, put in headphones. I mean, I really, here's the deal. We're in public and so I, I try really hard when it's not essential. If someone's just being a little annoying, like taking a loud call with, on speakerphone with no headphones or something, I try to go like, you know what? We're in public. That's their choice. It's my choice to ignore it. But then sometimes I go, it's also, if they have the right to do whatever they want, I also have the right to make it uncomfortable for them.

• 58:31Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 58:31Speaker 04

  You're being rude.

• 58:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 58:32Speaker 04

  You're being rude, so I'm gonna be rude to you as well.

• 58:34Speaker 03

  Unless they're like in their early hundreds. Like I was on a flight, I was coming back from, I went to Cambodia and, um, uh, Thailand this summer and this couple next to me, I mean, like early, like these, that was Methuselah. Like it was, there was a pile of dust that they put clothes over. Like they were so old.

• 58:50Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 58:50Speaker 03

  And he had the headphones on, but they weren't obviously connected.

• 58:54Speaker 04

  Of course.

• 58:55Speaker 03

  And so he's just blasting some movie, like, you know, some sixties like Western movie. And I was like, should I, should I like scream at this guy?

• 59:03Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 59:03Speaker 03

  You know, I'm like, no, like this is the last one.

• 59:07Speaker 04

  This is the last thing for him.

• 59:08Speaker 03

  Last flight.

• 59:09Speaker 04

  This is last, not even just flight, this is last thing.

• 59:11Speaker 03

  Right, so let him enjoy his shitty western, you know, and his wife screaming at him, they can't hear each other. And there was something charming about that.

• 59:18Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 59:18Speaker 03

  But if you're capable in your 40s and you're just being a dick, like, no, I'll, I have no problems fighting in public.

• 59:23Speaker 04

  How often have you gotten the, uh, my, one of my favorite moves is the flight attendant note card when they're a fan?

• 59:29Speaker 03

  Yes, every time I fly.

• 59:30Speaker 04

  And they, but my favorite is when a gay guy does it because they always think they're being so slick. And I wa, I love a flight attendant. I love the energy of a flight attendant. But when they, the whole flight, they're kind of like, what can I get you to drink? And they're being so obviously a fan and it's like totally sweet and I'm like, that's fine. And then they're being like extra attentive to you the whole flight and I'm like, this is lovely. And then at the, like, you know, 10 minutes before landing, all the lights are on and everything. They come over and slip you a postcard and they're like, what about for you?

• 59:55Speaker 03

  No.

• 59:56Speaker 04

  And then the postcard is like, diva, your work slays, diva. I love you, girl. Thank you for flying Delta, girl. And then there's like a little wings with it or something. I'm like, I, this is to me what it's all about.

• 1:00:08Speaker 03

  It's almost every flight, I fly every weekend and it's like, last flight I was flying back from London. And the one flight attendant I walked in, he's like, huh? And like that, I'm like, hello, you know? And then he said something to me, like, sometimes I think they're trying to be funny, but then they don't really, he was like, he's like, yeah, I know that you and me, uh, share a friend. His name is Brett and he's a singer in Vegas. I'm like, oh yeah, I know Brett. He goes, yeah, so you know, Brett says hi, um, but also my friend Adam just wanted to let you know to calm down. And I was like, I don't know what that means, but grateful for making me feel more insecure the rest of the flight. So, but he was nice, I, he was trying, I don't know if he thought he was being funny. And then the other one walked by, the very end of the flight is like, my husband would be so jealous if he knew that I was here, could we get a photo together? I'm like, sure, that's fine, we can take a photo, but I just came off a Xanax, so I'm sorry I look like this, you know? And say Photoshop it.

• 1:00:52Speaker 04

  My friend Adam, that is such a specific gay guy, backhanded. Like, I really don't like that kind of thing.

• 1:01:00Speaker 03

  Same, it's like, it'll ruin me.

• 1:01:02Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:01:03Speaker 03

  Like for weeks, it'll take me weeks to recover from that, but then I just smile. Do you think there's some people that only know how, they're insecure, or they're nervous, or they're anxious people? And the way they relate is either like by saying like backhanded comments or compliments, or they're mean and they think that they're being funny? Do you know what I'm talking, I can't quite articulate it.

• 1:01:21Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:01:22Speaker 03

  But there are those people and then you're just sort of like, oh, you're just an asshole.

• 1:01:25Speaker 04

  I feel that what's happening a lot of times in those situations is two things. Number one, people don't realize that being silent is an option. You really don't have to say anything. You really can just-

• 1:01:33Speaker 03

  My family doesn't know this option.

• 1:01:36Speaker 04

  Being silent is on the table. No one has taken it from you is number one. And number two, I feel like the reason it makes me feel so sad and disconnected is not because you said something rude to me. I'm not thin skinned. It's actually, it makes me feel a little inhuman because I was not approaching the conversation obsessed with a power imbalance between us. I was not thinking of me as important person and you as unimportant person, but you are coming in swinging, trying to claw some kind of power away from me to be like, you're, you're trying to put me in my place like preemptively or something to be like, you're not going to get me. I wasn't trying to get you. I'm a normal human being going through my day, but you're, you're feeling insecure because you are a fan of mine or think I'm somebody. And so now you're trying to like

• 1:02:19Speaker 04

  spar with me to prove that you're worthy of having the conversation.

• 1:02:22Speaker 03

  That's a bit of that. They think that they're impressing you.

• 1:02:24Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:02:24Speaker 03

  In reality, you're like, no, I'm just as sensitive as you are. Like.

• 1:02:28Speaker 04

  I wasn't gonna talk to you crazy. I don't know why you're talking to me crazy. I don't know you. That's the other thing is you see me with my friends sparring and being silly and like throwing daggers at each other for fun because we're very close friends doing our job as entertainers.

• 1:02:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:02:43Speaker 04

  And then you think we're gonna do that on Delta Flight 370.

• 1:02:47Speaker 04

  And it's like, baby, I don't know you. What's going on? I just, it's very confusing.

• 1:02:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:02:54Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:02:54Speaker 03

  I'm just, I, yeah, I think you're right. I think people have like an idea of like, we're always ready to, you know, jab each other and you can take it and not can, you know, but in reality, I'm like, I'm just listening to Mariah Carey right now and kind of sad. So.

• 1:03:08Speaker 04

  If you don't mind.

• 1:03:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, if you don't mind. For the eighth time again, so let me just do that.

• 1:03:14Speaker 04

  You peeing a lot on those?

• 1:03:14Speaker 03

  I pee all, I have to pee now. I have to pee all the time. I always have to pee. It's a problem.

• 1:03:19Speaker 04

  Matteo, I think you know what time it is.

• 1:03:21Speaker 03

  Yes, but the, the way you took that paper and put it down, I felt like I was in trouble.

• 1:03:25Speaker 04

  You are.

• 1:03:25Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:03:26Speaker 04

  You are. Um, well, we'll see if you are or not. I'm gonna read you 15 statements.

• 1:03:31Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:03:31Speaker 04

  You're gonna tell me as quickly as you can if you think what I just.

• 1:03:33Speaker 03

  So bad at this stuff. I fucked up the last time. Remember how bad I was?

• 1:03:36Speaker 04

  No, we never remember.

• 1:03:37Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:03:38Speaker 04

  Um, you're gonna tell me as quickly as you can if you think what I just said was true or false. You get 10 or more correct, Matteo, we're gonna give you 50 US dollars.

• 1:03:44Speaker 03

  I'm really nervous.

• 1:03:45Speaker 04

  You ready?

• 1:03:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:03:46Speaker 04

  Okay. South America has more nations than Africa.

• 1:03:49Speaker 03

  False.

• 1:03:50Speaker 04

  False. Nicholas Craig Mile.

• 1:03:52Speaker 03

  Excuse me?

• 1:03:53Speaker 04

  Nicholas Craig Mile was the captain of the Titanic.

• 1:03:56Speaker 03

  False.

• 1:03:57Speaker 04

  False. It was Edward Smith. Blue whales are the largest known animals to have ever existed. True.

• 1:04:02Speaker 03

  True.

• 1:04:02Speaker 04

  Cheesecake was invented in Italy.

• 1:04:04Speaker 03

  False.

• 1:04:04Speaker 04

  False. It was Greece. John Hershey High School's yearbook is called The Husky Review.

• 1:04:10Speaker 03

  True.

• 1:04:11Speaker 04

  False.

• 1:04:12Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 1:04:12Speaker 04

  The endeavor. Walter Payton is the NFL's all time leading rusher.

• 1:04:16Speaker 03

  False.

• 1:04:16Speaker 04

  False. It was Emmitt Smith. The movie Return, the movie Return to Oz came out in 1985.

• 1:04:21Speaker 03

  True.

• 1:04:22Speaker 04

  True. Human babies have more bones than human adults.

• 1:04:25Speaker 03

  True.

• 1:04:26Speaker 04

  True.

• 1:04:26Speaker 03

  The first six- Your teeth.

• 1:04:28Speaker 04

  Yeah, was that true?

• 1:04:29Speaker 03

  That fall out, I think, and then come back in.

• 1:04:31Speaker 04

  They shouldn't be bones.

• 1:04:31Speaker 03

  Well, whatever. I got it right.

• 1:04:33Speaker 04

  The first successful electric car in the US was made in 1890.

• 1:04:37Speaker 03

  False.

• 1:04:37Speaker 04

  True.

• 1:04:38Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 1:04:38Speaker 04

  A Chicago handshake is a short, a shot of Malort and a Bush Light.

• 1:04:42Speaker 03

  True.

• 1:04:43Speaker 04

  False. Old style.

• 1:04:44Speaker 03

  Oh, is it old style? Really?

• 1:04:46Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:04:46Speaker 03

  What were the Malort, the Malort, have you had that before?

• 1:04:48Speaker 04

  Ugh, yes.

• 1:04:49Speaker 03

  Have you had, it's horrible.

• 1:04:50Speaker 04

  Hate.

• 1:04:50Speaker 03

  It's really bad.

• 1:04:51Speaker 04

  Hate.

• 1:04:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:04:52Speaker 04

  DoorDash is older than Postmates.

• 1:04:55Speaker 03

  True.

• 1:04:56Speaker 04

  False.

• 1:04:56Speaker 03

  Oh, I'm-

• 1:04:57Speaker 04

  Earth's rotation is slowing down.

• 1:04:59Speaker 03

  I thought it was speeding up.

• 1:05:01Speaker 04

  True.

• 1:05:01Speaker 03

  False. What did we say it again?

• 1:05:03Speaker 04

  Earth's rotation is slowing down.

• 1:05:05Speaker 03

  False.

• 1:05:05Speaker 04

  It's true. The world's oldest cat lived to be 26 years old.

• 1:05:09Speaker 03

  True.

• 1:05:09Speaker 04

  False. 38.

• 1:05:10Speaker 03

  Oh, 38? No, no.

• 1:05:13Speaker 04

  Matteo.

• 1:05:14Speaker 03

  Put it down. I don't give a shit. 38 years old.

• 1:05:18Speaker 04

  It has to be true.

• 1:05:19Speaker 03

  This is a full time job. That made me mad.

• 1:05:21Speaker 04

  Mount, Mount Etna is Europe's tallest active volcano.

• 1:05:24Speaker 03

  True.

• 1:05:25Speaker 04

  True.

• 1:05:26Speaker 03

  I've been there.

• 1:05:26Speaker 04

  Have you?

• 1:05:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, many. That's my family lives near there.

• 1:05:29Speaker 04

  Whoa. Storm from X-Men is claustrophobic.

• 1:05:31Speaker 03

  Yes, that's very true.

• 1:05:32Speaker 04

  True.

• 1:05:33Speaker 03

  Or Earl Monroe.

• 1:05:34Speaker 04

  Nine.

• 1:05:35Speaker 03

  Oh, no!

• 1:05:36Speaker 04

  Very good, though. Very good.

• 1:05:37Speaker 03

  Really good. That was way better than last time.

• 1:05:39Speaker 04

  How'd you do last time? I don't recall.

• 1:05:40Speaker 03

  I just remember fucking it up. I didn't do well. I'm not good at this stuff. I get nervous.

• 1:05:44Speaker 04

  I'm gonna go back and see how many you did. I don't think you did that bad last time.

• 1:05:47Speaker 03

  And does any of these things, I, like, any kind of, like, true, false, like, I'm just, I rapid fire. I'm nervous, like, thinking about it.

• 1:05:54Speaker 04

  You did great.

• 1:05:55Speaker 03

  Thanks.

• 1:05:56Speaker 04

  Um, Matteo, thank you so much for doing it. Do you want to tell people where they can find you, what they should be watching?

• 1:05:59Speaker 03

  Yes, um, I, well, I'm on tour, so go to Matteo Lane Comedy dot com, and, um, that's pretty much it. I love doing, we really do, not to be Sidney, but we do need to hang out.

• 1:06:10Speaker 04

  We do.

• 1:06:10Speaker 03

  I know we're always running around and filming and this and that and that, but you, me, and Sidney should all hang out.

• 1:06:14Speaker 04

  We need a real-

• 1:06:15Speaker 03

  And we need to watch my best friend's wedding.

• 1:06:18Speaker 04

  We really do. I wonder if she's seen it. I wonder if I can put both of y'all on.

• 1:06:20Speaker 03

  I don't, maybe Sidney has seen it.

• 1:06:24Speaker 04

  Okay, love you. Thank you for doing it.

• 1:06:25Speaker 03

  Thank you so much for joining the show. Ciao.

• 1:06:28Speaker 06

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