2032:  How to Get Rich Without Leaving Your Parents Behind

What does it mean to build wealth when you don't come from money and when getting ahead financially isn't just about you? My guest today is Maria Melchor, founder of FirstGenLiving https://www.firstgenliving.com/ and author of the new book Always Have Enough: How to Build Wealth When You Don't Come From Money https://www.firstgenliving.com/book. Maria grew up in a Mexican immigrant family, at one point undocumented in the United States, watching her parents piece together everything from paychecks and government benefits to food bank boxes to make ends meet. As a kid, she saw classmates get cars when they got their driver's licenses while she was waiting for the legal status that would eventually allow her to work, and fully participate in the financial system. Maria would go on to attend Yale, and after graduation found herself earning more at 22 years old than her parents had after decades of incredibly hard work. Which brings to the forefront a complicated question: What do you do when you're the one in the family who suddenly has access to opportunity? ? How much do you owe yourself? How much do you owe the people who helped you get there? And when can you finally say, "I have enough"? How's midlife going? Fill out Farnoosh's survey https://www.jotform.com/build/262556781257063 and help shape the podcast in 2027. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 2:38Speaker 03

  So Money, episode 2032, How to Get Rich Without Leaving Your Parents Behind, The Complicated Side of First-Generation Wealth.

• 2:47Speaker 04

  You're listening to So Money with award-winning money guru Farnoosh Torabi. Each day, get a 30-minute dose of financial inspiration from the world's top business minds, authors, influencers, and from Farnoosh herself. Looking for ways to save on gas or double your double coupons? Sorry, you're in the wrong place. Seeking profound ways to live a richer, happier life? Welcome to So Money.

• 3:14Speaker 05

  I like some parts, some of the collectivism that my parents were raised with, and I like some parts of the more selfish approach, I guess, of the American way. But I don't love both, you know? Is there something, a happy middle? And I came up with this concept called financial interdependence, not codependence, not independence, but interdependence, where money really becomes more about reciprocity and clear communication. So you are both watching out, you know, putting your oxygen mask on first and making sure your finances are in order,

• 3:58Speaker 05

  and you're not stopping there. You're then also thinking, how can I give back to my parents, my siblings?

• 4:08Speaker 03

  Welcome to So Money, everyone. I'm Farnoosh Torabi. What does it mean to build wealth when you don't come from money? And when getting ahead financially isn't just about you? My guest today is Maria Melchor, founder of First Gen Living and author of the new book, Always Have Enough: How to Build Wealth When You Don't Come from Money. Maria grew up in a Mexican immigrant family, at one point undocumented in the United States, watching her parents piece together everything from paychecks and government benefits to food bank boxes to make ends meet. As a kid, she saw classmates get cars when they got their driver's licenses while she was waiting for the legal status that would eventually allow her to work and fully participate in the financial system. Maria would go on to attend Yale, and after graduation, found herself earning more

• 4:53Speaker 03

  at 22 years old than her parents had after decades of incredibly hard work. Which brings to the forefront a complicated question. What do you do when you're the one in the family who suddenly has access to opportunity? How much do you owe yourself? How much do you owe the people who helped you get there? And when can you finally say, I have enough? Here's my conversation with Maria Melchor.

• 5:19Speaker 03

  Maria Melchor, welcome to So Money. Congratulations, talking to you on pub week of your book. And your book is called Always Have Enough: How to Build Wealth When You Don't Come from Money. Congrats.

• 5:34Speaker 05

  Thank you, Farnoosh. I'm so excited to be here.

• 5:38Speaker 03

  So let's start with your dedication. This book you dedicate for children of immigrants and their parents. And so before we get into the chapters and the money discussion, who was the reader that you had in mind when you wrote that dedication? Describe her for me.

• 5:57Speaker 05

  The reader I had in mind was someone that is fresh out of school, high school, college, grad school, and has been getting their first few paychecks and is trying to make the most out of it, not just to sort of like be good with money for herself, but also to sort of be able to like make the sacrifices of her family worth it. So she's probably a child of immigrants, or she comes from a family who struggled financially growing up, and now she's like, I made it?

• 6:42Speaker 05

  Question mark? I think I made it. Now I need to like turn all of this opportunity into financial stability and wealth that, enough wealth that I can spread it around to my family.

• 6:58Speaker 03

  Yeah, that really hit home for me because my parents immigrated here. And I think like so many first-gen kids, there is a point, and I don't know if it's when you're young or later, at some point, there is this additional layer of appreciation and pressure that comes with living your life. And usually that pressure sounds something like, I better not screw this up. Because your parents did sacrifice a lot, right? To come here. All parents sacrifice a lot of things for their kids. But there's a unique sacrifice of immigrants when they come here. A lot is at stake. And whether that's communicated to you, you just observe it, it becomes a part of your DNA,

• 7:43Speaker 03

  that stress that they have, that the hard work ethic and all of that, you know, you kind of have to like, at some point, there is that voice in your head that's like, I better, if for no other reason, I need to be successful so that, you know, this story continues to story. The story that my parents started is not going to end with me, right? It's going to end with, hopefully never, right? But we will continue the continuum. So I really, you know, that really touched me. And I think your book is going to help so many people to tell the story of your own personal childhood. You grew up undocumented, watching your parents combine everything from cash to government benefits,

• 8:28Speaker 03

  food bank boxes to put dinner on the table. Meantime, many of your classmates, when they got their driver's licenses, they were getting cars, and you were waiting for a work permit and a green card. When you think back to that little girl, what did money represent to her? Was it safety, freedom, all of it?

• 8:48Speaker 05

  I was in this unique situation where my family immigrated from a city in a mountainside in Mexico to East Haven, Connecticut, which is this small suburb where, at the time, the population was very homogeneous and very middle-class. And, you know, having spent some of my childhood in Mexico with family, the people that I'd known, I hadn't really thought about money then. I, you know, was still a kid and felt like I had what I needed. It was when I came here

• 9:29Speaker 05

  and I saw that people could have more, not just like have more than I did, but also, oh my gosh, in America, people like have bigger houses, cars, lots of belongings, books for fun, not just textbooks. Seeing all of that is like what started making me think about money in like a way of like, oh, money means access. Money means like having a comfortable lifestyle. It also sort of like showed me that we didn't really have that much of it here. And actually, we had to turn to other resources,

• 10:12Speaker 05

  like the food bank, like any social services we had access to, to make ends meet. And hopefully, in the future, over time, I would get to a place where, like the people that were around me, like the more middle-class families and students around me, at some point, I could like them just sort of like buy what I need.

• 10:36Speaker 03

  At the same time, it sounded like from your book that you had a very like- Conflicting relationship with this concept of being American. There's this story that you tell in your book about finally getting your social security card. Tell us your reaction to that. It probably isn't what the reader would have expected, but you know, what was going through your mind at the time?

• 10:59Speaker 05

  For me, getting my social security card represented having legal status in the US and being one step closer to having the same opportunities as other people and like more access to the quote unquote meritocracy that America is, where if I work hard, I can get to where I want to be. Because before I had legal status, permanent legal status, I worried about even if I worked

• 11:36Speaker 05

  super hard, even if I do everything right, it might still not be enough if I am not allowed to be in this country.

• 11:47Speaker 03

  So you, it sounds like you were really struggling with the belief in the American dream and the belief of belonging here.

• 11:53Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, I, I guess I was. Yeah, I think like I wasn't sure I belonged here when I got here. And it was definitely, a lot of it had to do with finding out that I was not allowed to stay here permanently at the time. And then part of it was, you know, coming from a place where everyone looked like me to a place where it felt like nobody looked like me. Yeah, I was like, what am I doing here? It really took time and validation from the government, validation.

• 12:32Speaker 03

  Well, well, like you got into Yale. I mean, that's quite validating for anybody, but I would guess especially for somebody who was brand new to this country. You graduated at the top of your class.

• 12:47Speaker 03

  How did that feel? And then you graduate and you know, everyone's so proud of you, but your part of you is like, but my parents still work so much harder. Really, you thought that? I mean, I guess it's all subjective. What is, what is hard work, right?

• 13:02Speaker 05

  Yeah, I think getting into Yale was like a huge sort of moment for me and that would put me on this path to even more opportunities down the line. I mostly applied because at the time, some Ivies and some top liberal arts colleges in the US would give low income students very robust financial aid packages compared to like state schools that were like the sticker price was lower, but the financial aid wasn't strong enough.

• 13:43Speaker 05

  And so like the net cost of college for me was going to be lower if I went to an elite college that could give me financial aid, basically. And so I applied thinking, I need to get into a top school that will pay for most of my school so I can afford to go and not be in debt.

• 14:02Speaker 03

  That is usually not the reason people apply to Yale, I'll just say. That's interesting. And it worked?

• 14:08Speaker 05

  It worked. I wouldn't have known about that option were it not for Quest Bridge, which is a nonprofit that helps first generation low income students get matched with these schools that you would think are inaccessible and can be sort of culturally alienating, but that are financially accessible if you're poor enough, basically.

• 14:35Speaker 03

  So at this point, let's take me back now. We started the book, we started the conversation, Young Maria. You're now in your twenties, you're going through Yale, you've graduated Yale. What is your concept of building wealth at this point? What is your goal?

• 14:50Speaker 05

  Yeah, I, you know, am like 22 at the time. I am sort of wanting to just have fun and be a young person in New York City. But I also have these moments of panic, a healthy, a healthy state of panic, healthy moments of panic.

• 15:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, I, I know them well.

• 15:14Speaker 05

  Where I'm like, wait, I can't just be having fun like some of my friends. I also need to be thinking about the long term and about how I can extend some of this good luck to my family. And like you'd mentioned earlier, I felt grateful and excited to be in, at this stage in my life, but also I was like, oh my gosh, I'm 22 and I'm getting paid $50,000, which at the time was more money than my parents had ever earned. And I knew how much they'd earned because I helped them file their taxes every year.

• 15:56Speaker 05

  And so I was like, how is this super young person out earning people who have been working so hard their entire lives? And oh, it's because even if my parents are working nine to nine, if they are stuck in lower paid jobs, underpaid jobs, it's still not going to be as much as me who gets to work nine to five with benefits and get paid more.

• 16:25Speaker 03

  What was their, what was the responsibility you felt at that point? What was going through your mind in terms of your commitment, financial commitment to your family? Because again, your story, the point of your book, I think, is to illustrate how unique your journey was to you, but not so much to probably a generation of, of young people whose parents immigrated here, right? Think there is a cultural universality to this in some ways, where you feel like your family is your unit forever. And they help you, then you help them. It's like non-negotiable. But you know, $50,000 is more money than maybe what your parents were making, but

• 17:07Speaker 03

  you know, it's, it's not enough to suddenly have many other people to support. And so how did you balance that? This understanding and appreciation for wanting to support your family and also the actual algebra of it, the math, you know, like the money can only go so far.

• 17:26Speaker 05

  I do want to clarify that it's not like my parents were, you know, texting or calling me all day being like, where's our part of your paycheck? Like, you know, they, they actually never really vocalized that I needed to support them. It was more of, I saw them struggle so much and I saw how hard they worked. And I, then when I was at Yale and I did internships in the summer, had jobs, I could see that another life was possible where you could work hard, but then also get paid and rewarded proportionate to the amount you put in.

• 18:11Speaker 05

  I was like, basically, I felt this sense of, I want my like good luck entering this like world of opportunity to get back to my parents. And I would say, at first I was pretty overwhelmed. I was like, wait, 50K is a lot compared to my parents. It is not a lot compared to what some of my Yale, some of my Yale peers were making who had gone to Wall Street or to Silicon Valley. So that's sort of where I got into this path of personal finance. That might've been when I started listening to your podcast, actually.

• 18:50Speaker 03

  What did you recognize as some of the, the steps, immediate steps that you wanted to make and needed to make? I mean, $50,000, you feel like you could have like negotiated for more, you know? Like what are, what were some of the immediate things you put into place?

• 19:05Speaker 05

  I did start with a budget. So I looked at all of my bills. I looked at my income and I tried to minimize my spending, put as much as I could into savings and learn how to invest. I was in a union job, so I couldn't negotiate on my own. It would have to be collective bargaining, which I did get involved with. And yeah, I just tried to do like the most I could with what I had at the time. And eventually I started First Gen Living, which is what I transitioned to now doing full time, which is helping first generation college students, professionals in the corporate

• 19:49Speaker 05

  world navigate their money. And at the time, it was just like a side gig, I guess. But even then, the money that I was earning from there, I started putting toward savings and investing.

• 20:05Speaker 03

  And how would you describe your financial life today? What's still? A bucket list item? Are you part of the FIRE movement? Do you want to retire early? What's the big kind of financial goal at the moment?

• 20:20Speaker 05

  I think my financial goal is similar, actually, to what it was then, which is to be able to afford a life that I'm happy with and to be able to have a safety net for myself and also have somewhat of a safety net for my loved ones, like my parents and siblings. And eventually, if I start my own family, my own kids. Even though I'm in the personal finance space, I've never really been persuaded toward the side of personal finance. That's about like becoming super rich or, you know, growing your wealth indefinitely. It's more, how do I get enough money to support myself, have a comfortable life and be able to give back?

• 21:05Speaker 05

  Now I feel like I can do that and I want to continue doing that and help other people get to this place as well.

• 21:13Speaker 03

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• 25:07Speaker 03

  The word enough gets used around a lot. And I think when we say it, we get it. But what is the math, really? You know, how or and the math plus the the deep thinking that's required to really settle on that word and feel good about it?

• 25:25Speaker 05

  You will never have enough if you feel responsible for an indefinite amount of problems, for an indefinite amount of responsibilities. And so what I do in the book is just show you, hey, you have to confront your numbers, define your unique goals so that you have these actually really beautiful limits and boundaries to your definition of enough. Only then, when you have been able to put some limits around what you want, can you start doing the math and figuring out if you have enough. And if you do have enough right now, great.

• 26:09Speaker 05

  Check in in a year, between now and that year. Don't worry about it. And then a year, if you don't have enough anymore, you can figure it out then. If you don't have enough now, okay, that's most people. They don't have enough right now. Check in in a year, check in on your progress. And basically, break out of that, I either have enough or I don't, and start living in more of like that gray zone where you're like, here's what I want now, what I think I want in 10 years. Am I making progress toward it? Yes. Do I have to worry about what if I change my mind? What if the world collapses? No, because I can just check in in a year from now and do what I need to do then.

• 26:53Speaker 03

  And you have savings, hopefully, along the way. I mean, there are some probably tried and true steps that regardless of how you arrived in America, you need these things. You need savings. You need to pay attention to your debt levels, right? There are just certain things that you need to get them done.

• 27:09Speaker 05

  Absolutely. I think my, my view on this is like savings are the foundation. They're step one. But when you come from a family that might still be struggling financially, might be getting underpaid, or if they don't have legal status, might not have the same consumer and citizen protections as the rest of us, then savings are not enough. Then you have to turn toward employee benefits, government benefits, community benefits. And I include these in the book. I include a whole chapter on how to build a safety net that goes beyond your savings.

• 27:54Speaker 03

  You also write in that section about how there's a lot of moral judgment attached to accepting help. Can you talk about that and what your advice is for somebody who does feel insecure about it?

• 28:04Speaker 05

  Yes. I, I used to work at a law firm that helped low-income New Yorkers access government benefits. And I was shocked to, that part of my work was convincing people that, hey, there's no shame in accessing these government benefits. What I said to them and say to people now is that's taxpayer money that you have contributed to, that it is designed for this, to get people some help when they need it. And also, if I have to, I remind them, hey, I went to Yale. I saw what wealthy people do. And they absolutely milk every benefit,

• 28:46Speaker 05

  every free thing when they get the chance. So if it's there, if it's available.

• 28:53Speaker 03

  Yeah. Agree, agree. Let's talk about homeownership because this is something that I think in recent years, the narrative around homeownership has changed. It was where we were, we would talk about homeownership as a must do in your financial life in order to build wealth, have financial security, in some cases, be an adult. And now I think the market has just, you know, it's, it's forced our hand a little bit. And it's like, we can't buy a house and it's not our fault. And then in that, in that rejection, I suppose, we are all kind of like questioning it in the first place. Like, is this even something

• 29:33Speaker 03

  that I should have been pursuing in the first place, as it turns out? What, what was the, what was the philosophy around homeownership that you were raised with? And, and how have your views changed today, if at all?

• 29:46Speaker 05

  I am a Zillennial, so I know the millennial life, but I also know some of the Gen Z life. And I am very much about homeownership. I get it. Like, I want to own a home just as much as the next person to have a place that I call my own. But can I separate my desire for a home, which is valid, from seeing a home as a financial investment that is for sure going to grow my money and provide financial stability for myself? So I think maybe in the past, it was possible to have both, to be like, I want a home for the sake

• 30:29Speaker 05

  of a home, and I want a home to be financially better off. And now, my generation really has to confront the reality that those might be two separate things. And so, even though maybe everyone wants a home, is it really something that's financially feasible for me right now? Do I have to wait? Are there other things in my life that I'd rather prioritize in my twenties and thirties? And I think coming to terms with this reality, part of what helped come to terms with it is seeing that, like, my parents, for them, they're from Mexico, they're immigrants, real estate, homeownership was the path to wealth, the

• 31:13Speaker 05

  path to financial stability. In Mexico, if you buy a house, great, it's not totally unaffordable. And once you have it, you know, you have a piece of land. Here in the US, my parents were also lucky enough to be able to get in to the housing market when it was still more accessible. But now, I've done my math, and I've considered what I want to do with my life. And I can relate or sort of see why my parents would want me to buy a house. But then also be like, hey, let me tell you about what's going on nowadays, what the situation's like nowadays.

• 31:53Speaker 03

  Well, I write in my book about FOMO, the fear of missing out, and how sometimes it's an inherited fear. And housing is a perfect example of that. A lot of people have a fear of missing out on the housing market. The average homeownership purchase age is, home purchase age is, I think, 40, whereas in years past, it was like, early 30s, late 20s. And so that's telling us a lot, just in terms of the accessibility of the market. But you're right, like, it does feel like just something we'll have to agree to disagree on, in some cases, when you've got one generation who did, you know, they did well with real estate, believing that this is, this is the norm. I had a guest

• 32:35Speaker 03

  on my podcast recently, who was a historian, and he was like, PS, home values in America didn't, at best, they tracked inflation for the first 200 years of American history. It's only in recent years, in like, the last two generations, that homes have seen this kind of escalation in value nationally. And, and, and so, to believe that this is always what happened, is not true. And to believe that this is always what's going to continue, is not, you know, something to presume necessarily. But, you know, talk about some of the other, like, mindset shifts that you've adopted since leaving your parents' home, your nest,

• 33:18Speaker 03

  that, you know, your parents still hold on to certain antiquated views about money, and you've changed your mind, I mean, your tune on some things. I remember reading your book about just like, this idea of what is enough, which we already talked about, may seem like completely overdoing it from your parents' perspective. Like, why do you need all this? And this isn't you necessarily, but just generally speaking, you know, this can be a generational divide, especially within immigrant communities. What are some of the challenges that you may have had with talking about money with your parents, based on their lived experience and your lived experience?

• 33:53Speaker 05

  I'm so glad I got to write this book, because it gave me an excuse to talk to my parents about money, and just straight up ask them, what do you think about this? Why did you do this? And what I found, this is what chapter two is about, what I found is, my parents, who are immigrants, have this, or grew up with this idea of financial codependence as the aspirational way to do money. So if you looked at money, it was something that was shared among the family unit. And at some point, one person in the

• 34:36Speaker 05

  family or the other was expected to contribute, and at some point, another person was expected to take. And you sort of saw money as something that you like, do with others, and you depend on others sometimes for it. And then, when I came to the US, and when I started learning about personal finance through American financial experts, I was seeing that money was more about sort of individualistic pursuit of wealth, and just trying to make yourself as well off as you could, and just kind of a focus on, an emphasis on numbers, net worth. And I thought, okay, those seem to be actually opposites, and opposite ends

• 35:21Speaker 05

  of value spectrum when it comes to money. Is there something in between? Because I like some parts, some of the collectivism that my parents were raised with, and I like some parts of the more like selfish approach, I guess, of like, the American way. But I don't love both, you know? Is there something, a happy middle? And I came up with this concept called financial interdependence, not codependence, not independence, but interdependence, where money really becomes more about reciprocity and clear communication. So you are both

• 36:05Speaker 05

  watching out, you know, putting your oxygen mask on first, and making sure your finances are in order, and you're not stopping there. You're then also thinking, how can I give back to my parents, my siblings? How can I help them get on their financial footing, get their financial footing as well?

• 36:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, it sounds like upholding the values of supporting your family members, but still being able to do it on your terms, which means that, you know, you'll want to do it as much as you want to and can, but not with this feeling of guilt or a requirement that it, that is still voluntary. But, but, but, you know, if it can happen, it will happen.

• 36:53Speaker 05

  Yeah, I have this framework of mine, ours, and yours for doing money. So when you're thinking about your financial responsibilities, your financial ambitions, always break up those goals into goals that are exclusively yours. I, Maria, want to buy myself a new closet full of beautiful outfits. But then I also have an ours goal, a shared goal that, you know, I want my family and I to go to Mexico in three years, and like, have

• 37:33Speaker 05

  a summer of wild family fun. And ideally, I would fund all of it if I was like, extremely rich and could treat everyone, but I can't. And so, let me start the conversation with my family, say, how much are we all going to contribute? Where are we going to put those savings? When are we taking the trip? What is our budget? So that's an ours goal. And when it becomes an ours goal, it's like, an open conversation with the people involved.

• 38:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:02Speaker 05

  And then the yours goal. So what are goals that are actually just for other people to figure out on their own? So something I used to worry a lot about is my parents' retirement. How would they retire? Because I, I saw their finances, and I thought, you know, that can't possibly be enough. And since then, I've been able to talk to them, and just sort of emphasize that I want to be there for them and support them whatever way I can. But I am just one person. And so, you know, they should start taking steps to figure out their retirement. And it turns out, actually, they had been taking some steps that I just didn't know about. And they just have a different idea of what retirement

• 38:43Speaker 05

  is. So, you know, you really want to break up all of your, all of your financial, financial goals into, into those three buckets, to be clear about what's yours, and then also what boundaries you need to enforce.

• 38:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, well said. Because it can be so difficult. But yeah, ultimately, I think this is universal. Everybody doesn't want to come from a place of having to do things. You want to come from a place of wanting to do things, whether that's for your family, yourself, for your community. Maria Melchor, thank you so much. I'm so grateful that we could have this conversation. Your new book is called Always Have Enough, and it's out now. Congratulations.

• 39:23Speaker 05

  Thank you, Farnoosh.

• 39:27Speaker 03

  Thanks so much to Maria Melchor for joining us. Her book is Always Have Enough, How to Build Wealth When You Don't Come from Money. And she's the founder of First Gen Living. Visit firstgenliving.com to learn more about Maria's work as a money coach for first generation students and professionals. I'll see you back here on Wednesday, and I hope your day is so money.

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