Pod Insights SmartLess "RE-RELEASE: Maya Rudolph" About this episode Superhero Maya Rudolph skydives in for some cork-popping fun on another juicy episode of the pod. Songs are sung, stories are told, and Maya educates us all, by example, on how to be the coolest cucumber around.
This episode was originally released on 9/7/2020.
Transcript 10,113 words · 8 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
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2:05 Jason Bateman? Hello, welcome to Smart List. I am Jason Bateman, one of the less smart hosts. Even less smart is Will Arnett, and truly dumb is Sean Hayes. We each have invited, well, one of us invites a guest per week. The other two don't know who that person is. Some of it's gonna be funny, hopefully you won't cry, and hopefully you learn a little something. So let's get started.
2:43 Sean Hayes? Well, here's the sad part. You have Chumbawamba on your thing, ready to go, and it's not a joke.
2:48 Jason Bateman? No, it's a ringtone. Probably, he's getting a call, I think.
2:51 Will Arnett? I've been going so Chumbawamba-heavy lately on the, I keep going like, mid-conversation, Alessandra will say something, and I'll just go, "You know, the thing about me is, I get knocked down, but I get up again." And she's like, "Shh." But between that and my 10-year love affair with figuring out who let the dogs out.
3:10 Sean Hayes? Right.
3:12 Jason Bateman? Oh, but what about that, that, that, what's that crap-ass band? Well, actually, I've never heard their music, but their goddamn name, uh...
3:20 Will Arnett? Bon Iver?
3:21 Jason Bateman? Bon Iver, yeah.
3:23 Sean Hayes? What's Bon Iver?
3:23 Will Arnett? First of all, Bon Iver's a great band.
3:25 Jason Bateman? So is it, wait, hang on. B-O-N-E-Y, and then, and then V-A-R, something like that?
3:31 Will Arnett? Yeah, that's what it is, you fucking idiot.
3:33 Jason Bateman? What's a Bon Iver? Like, what, there'd be like a fat bear?
3:40 Sean Hayes? Wait, what song are they singing? Why, what is it?
3:42 Will Arnett? It's B-O-N, and then, uh, space, I-V-E-R.
3:46 Sean Hayes? Oh, he likes it because it's French, and he's like, "I can speak French."
3:49 Will Arnett? It's not French. He's from fucking Wisconsin, and it's this guy, Justin Vernon, and my friend Chris Messina, who works with the band, and like...
3:56 Sean Hayes? Oh, then they're great.
3:57 Will Arnett? I don't know where our guest is, but I, but I guarantee you that they like Bon Iver. I have this feeling that they do.
4:04 Jason Bateman? How much you wanna bet?
4:05 Will Arnett? Do you wanna do a real bet?
4:06 Sean Hayes? Wait, I want...
4:07 Will Arnett? $100 Canadian dollars.
4:08 Jason Bateman? Sean, you know who this is, so you can't chime in.
4:10 Will Arnett? $100 Canadian dollars, right now.
4:13 Jason Bateman? Great, so it's a $5 bet? Is that what you're saying?
4:15 Will Arnett? You know what, dude, that's so insulting. That's so insulting to me and to all my Canadian brethren, who, I'm gonna publish, I'm gonna put your address online.
4:23 Jason Bateman? Oh, right on, right on. Well, just give her.
4:26 Sean Hayes? Wait, can I tell you guys something that I was, Scotty and I were watching?
4:29 Will Arnett? Hey, were you just changing your diaper? What did you just pull out from your pants?
4:34 Jason Bateman? Why do you wear a pashmina as a diaper?
4:37 Sean Hayes? Because it was cold and now it's hot. I was watching Field of Dreams last night. I've never seen the movie.
4:44 Will Arnett? Okay, hold for applause? What are you doing? Okay.
4:47 Sean Hayes? No, it was really good, but I mean, it's kind of a long way to go to tell a story about playing catch with your dad. But I get it. It was sweet. You know, Scotty's like, you know, all these people won Academy Awards. I don't know, they were nominated or something. And then we started having this conversation about who would we conjure up from the past that like, if you could, who would that be for you guys? Who would it be?
5:06 Will Arnett? Hey, listen, Jason played catch with his dad at home, and by his dad, I mean the security guy at Fox. And by catch, I mean smoking butts behind stage five. But, look.
5:19 Sean Hayes? Yeah. Oh, God. All right, well, we'll get to that later.
5:23 Jason Bateman? Sean, who are you so rudely keeping waiting?
5:26 Will Arnett? Yeah.
5:26 Sean Hayes? On our little podcast today, we have a gorgeous woman, inside and out, who we all know, we're all friends with.
5:32 Jason Bateman? Really?
5:32 Sean Hayes? And we all love. She is a light, guys. Her lineage is filled with all kinds of famous people. I'm trying to build even the slightest bit of anticipation because you're gonna know who it is. Let me try with this one, this random thing. She graduated college with a degree in photography. Can you guess who that is?
5:48 Jason Bateman? Annie Leibowitz.
5:49 Sean Hayes? That's it. She's a staple in the history of American comedy, will be remembered forever for her many contributions in film and television. She's trending so goddamn hard on social media right now because of her impression of Kamala Harris. It's Maya Rudolph!
6:02 Jason Bateman? No way!
6:07 Jason Bateman? Look at this.
6:09 Will Arnett? Pop the cork.
6:13 Jason Bateman? Oh, my God.
6:13 Speaker 06 I was trying to sing Bon Iver.
6:19 Jason Bateman? Okay, so wait.
6:20 Will Arnett? Right? How good is Bon Iver?
6:22 Speaker 06 Bon Iver is great. I listened to the whole thing and I felt bad for Bateman because he sounded old.
6:28 Will Arnett? I know, didn't he? And now you look at him, he looks old.
6:31 Jason Bateman? That's fucked up. So they're less gross than the name.
6:35 Speaker 06 They're a person, I think, right? Isn't it a person?
6:39 Will Arnett? It's Justin Vernon, pretty much. And he has other guys who are in the band as well. Shawn Carey, who plays, but they're good friends of mine. They're great guys and they make great music.
6:48 Sean Hayes? Hi, Maya Rudolph.
6:49 Will Arnett? Hi, Maya Rudolph.
6:50 Speaker 06 Hi, guys.
6:51 Sean Hayes? Thanks for being here.
6:53 Speaker 06 Sorry for the mood lighting. I'm in a cave. It's the only quiet place at my house.
6:57 Sean Hayes? No, I was gonna say, thank you for the mood lighting.
6:59 Will Arnett? I'm gonna join you.
7:01 Speaker 06 It's a wankfest here.
7:04 Will Arnett? Welcome, welcome to my jack shack.
7:06 Sean Hayes? Yeah, he was talking about that the other day, how he, you bounced that name off of you.
7:10 Will Arnett? Do you remember I used to say that to you?
7:12 Speaker 06 Did you finally build your jack shack?
7:15 Sean Hayes? He's in it right now. Look at him.
7:17 Speaker 06 I can see it.
7:17 Sean Hayes? He's got a smile on his face.
7:19 Speaker 06 And no pantalones.
7:21 Jason Bateman? Now, Maya, the reason you're looking for quiet is because there are six, seventeen kids? Eighteen kids over there, right?
7:29 Speaker 06 Eighteen, Jason, eighteen.
7:31 Jason Bateman? Good for you.
7:32 Speaker 06 I like to pop them out.
7:37 Speaker 06 There is nothing elastic about my lower region. Nothing. It's basically like when you get a grocery bag.
7:44 Jason Bateman? Yep.
7:45 Speaker 06 And something has spilled, and then everything just falls out of the bottom.
7:50 Jason Bateman? So the bottom got too saturated.
7:53 Speaker 06 Yeah.
7:53 Jason Bateman? And now it's useless to you. So kids are falling out daily.
7:57 Speaker 06 Falling out daily.
7:58 Sean Hayes? Your kids love that description of how they came into the world.
8:02 Speaker 06 My son, well, my son thinks that he came out of my butt, because he saw like a birth video. So we like to keep it that way.
8:12 Will Arnett? My son said the other day, little Abel said the other day, he was in the backseat. My Archie and I were arguing about the genesis of, this is terrible parenting, of Grand Theft Auto games and which one came first, GTA V. And Abel's in the backseat, I go, hey, Abe, real quick, could you Wikipedia? And he cuts me off and he goes, how babies are made? You got it.
8:34 Jason Bateman? He's got them on his favorites. It's just a one, one button. You know, Maya, your husband did describe having a bunch of kids running around the house. He says it's so great, use a better word, it's like having a fire burning in each room. It's all warm and cozy.
8:48 Sean Hayes? He said that?
8:49 Speaker 06 He said that?
8:49 Jason Bateman? Well, he's a bit of a poet.
8:51 Speaker 06 I thought he was gonna tell the Jim Gaffigan joke about how it's like, because Jim Gaffigan has five, right? And I think his joke was, having a fifth kid is like swimming in a pool and you're drowning and someone hands you a baby.
9:10 Speaker 06 It's a bit overwhelming. I have to say that being in quarantine with four kids is great because I would be very depressed if I was not very busy. It would be a lot more quiet and depressing.
9:26 Will Arnett? Look at Sean.
9:27 Speaker 06 Yeah, look at Sean.
9:28 Sean Hayes? I just got up.
9:29 Will Arnett? Sean is so low right now, he's so, he'd have to rally to die. That's how low.
9:34 Speaker 06 How many books is your computer on right now?
9:37 Sean Hayes? Uh, Mike, Mike.
9:38 Speaker 06 Is, is yo, is yo computer on?
9:40 Sean Hayes? Uh, my, my computer is actually on a stand right now. But I like to say the books behind me on the shelf, I've read every single one of those jackets.
9:48 Will Arnett? Nice, oh, nice.
9:50 Speaker 06 Oh, boy.
9:50 Will Arnett? Who do you say that to, to Scotty, or?
9:52 Sean Hayes? And I say to anybody who'll listen, but.
9:55 Speaker 06 He says it to all the living members of Chumbawamba.
9:58 Jason Bateman? Maya, are those kids old enough to help out around the house, or are they just asking you to help them find things to do?
10:04 Sean Hayes? Cause that is the only reason Jason had children.
10:07 Jason Bateman? Right, I just, I can't keep them entertained.
10:09 Speaker 06 Do you have any teenagers yet?
10:11 Jason Bateman? Yeah, I got a 13-year-old and an eight-year-old.
10:13 Speaker 06 The problem with the teen part is I feel really badly for them because they want to be social, um, but then I all, don't want them to be on their fucking devices all day long.
10:24 Jason Bateman? But then you gotta talk to them. If they're off the device, then you have to talk to them.
10:28 Speaker 06 It's killing me, and I also feel like.
10:30 Jason Bateman? Lesser the two evils is just a, a thicker data plan, right?
10:33 Speaker 06 Yeah, oh, I thought you meant dad plan, yeah.
10:36 Will Arnett? Let's let Bateman keep talking, let him hang himself, keep going, dude, what is it?
10:40 Jason Bateman? Um, so, oh, so, uh, one teenager or two teenagers?
10:44 Speaker 06 I have one teenager, she's 14.
10:46 Jason Bateman? The others are?
10:47 Speaker 06 Uh, I have no idea, no, um, 10, 9, and 7, almost 11, 9 and 7.
10:53 Jason Bateman? Is the 14-year-old, uh, a, a nightmare? Has she found her sass yet at 14?
10:58 Speaker 06 No, she's not a nightmare, she's the opposite, so I feel really bad, cause she's a nice person.
11:03 Sean Hayes? That's Pearl, right?
11:04 Speaker 06 Yeah.
11:05 Sean Hayes? I love her.
11:06 Jason Bateman? Don't show off, Sean. You know, we all have Google.
11:08 Speaker 06 Sean is godparent to all of my children.
11:11 Jason Bateman? Is that true?
11:12 Speaker 06 No.
11:12 Sean Hayes? Yeah, and like my dad, I've never shown up for them.
11:16 Jason Bateman? Are you guys godparents to anybody?
11:18 Speaker 06 No.
11:18 Sean Hayes? I am.
11:19 Speaker 06 I don't even, I don't know what that means. What does it mean?
11:21 Jason Bateman? Yeah, I don't either, because I think I failed.
11:23 Sean Hayes? Well, we are. We're actually very active godparents, me and Scotty, to Jonah and Sammy. Carrie Asley's children.
11:29 Speaker 06 You are?
11:30 Sean Hayes? Yeah. And so, and we're very active, and legally, it's just somebody in the highly unlikely and hopeful never happening case, where something happens to them, we are the legal guardians.
11:41 Jason Bateman? Right.
11:42 Will Arnett? I don't think that's always the case.
11:43 Speaker 06 It's not a religious thing?
11:44 Will Arnett? No, it used to be a religious thing, and I think now it's much more of a just sort of a custom thing that you do. And, babe, and listen, should we be godparents to each other's kids, just out of safety?
11:54 Jason Bateman? No, no, no, we're all set.
11:54 Will Arnett? I'm good. Want to send over the paperwork?
11:57 Jason Bateman? Yeah, yeah, no, Amanda's got it handled, bro. We're all good. How about a question for Maya?
12:02 Will Arnett? You don't even know what for dinner.
12:03 Sean Hayes? Maya's actually the godparent to Scotty.
12:07 Speaker 06 I am.
12:08 Jason Bateman? Does she powder and swaddle him?
12:10 Speaker 06 Yes, I do.
12:12 Sean Hayes? Maya, I have to say a couple things. One is...
12:15 Speaker 06 I love you too.
12:17 Sean Hayes? I do, I really do love you, and I miss you, and I feel like I never see you.
12:20 Speaker 06 I know, I love you too.
12:21 Sean Hayes? But...
12:21 Speaker 06 I don't ever see you.
12:22 Sean Hayes? I know, it's, it's wrong, but the, first of all, I have to say the thing that we all know, but not everybody knows, which is that your mom is Minnie Riperton, who sang "Loving You."
12:33 Speaker 06 I was so surprised that you threw in the lineage thing. These dudes are like, "Who? What?"
12:37 Jason Bateman? Yeah, I don't even know Bonnie Berry is.
12:39 Will Arnett? Come on.
12:40 Sean Hayes? Your grandfather owned all the Wendy's in like Florida or something?
12:44 Speaker 06 Uh, yes, I grew up in Florida.
12:46 Sean Hayes? Hang on.
12:47 Speaker 06 Sidney Rudolph.
12:48 Sean Hayes? Free burgers for life, or?
12:50 Speaker 06 So supposedly, my grandfather and his brother were these big time business boys back in the day, and he came up with this idea for a company called Trip Charge, and where it was like you could, you could get a card and charge it when you were on a trip. This was before the credit card was invented. And it was such a great idea that he sold the idea to Diners Club. Way to go, Sid Rudolph.
13:15 Jason Bateman? Is Diners Club still around?
13:16 Speaker 06 I don't know, but I guess he straight up gave him the idea for the, for the credit card.
13:21 Jason Bateman? So Diners Club was just for restaurants? Is that what it was?
13:23 Speaker 06 That's a great question. I don't know. I don't know if it was like a traveler's check situation for going out.
13:28 Jason Bateman? I remember those, traveler's checks.
13:29 Will Arnett? I know, traveler's checks. Carte blanche, remember carte blanche was a thing for a minute?
13:33 Speaker 06 What was carte blanche?
13:34 Will Arnett? It's similar, it's like Diners Club.
13:36 Speaker 06 I thought it was like, oh, carte blanche, and you just say it.
13:39 Will Arnett? Yeah, I like, I like, speaking of the Rudolphs, how is your dad?
13:42 Speaker 06 He's good. Are you asking about my sweet dad? Isn't my dad the best?
13:46 Will Arnett? He's so sweet.
13:47 Speaker 06 He's that guy my whole life that people ask me about. I just got another one today. I'm, look, look at Bateman. Bateman's like, I don't know your dad. What hap, why, why don't I get to meet your dad?
13:56 Will Arnett? Her dad is such a cool guy, and you would be well served, this is like the bunny bear thing, you would be well served to take that scowl off your face.
14:03 Jason Bateman? That's my rest face now. I have a heavy brow. I need a lift.
14:07 Jason Bateman? But I am talking a lot about this. I constantly look like I'm, I just said, what did you say?
14:13 Speaker 06 Yeah.
14:14 Jason Bateman? That's, that's the, that's my rest face.
14:16 Speaker 06 Yeah, mine too.
14:17 Will Arnett? Wait, are you just coming to terms with this?
14:19 Jason Bateman? Just to get to regular, I have to, I have to pretend I've just said, oh, I see. That's what I had, that's what I had, that, that lifts things up to where his center is.
14:29 Speaker 06 I think it's from years of being funny and years of emoting, and now your skin is relaxing into itself. I have developed really gnarly eye bags, and I think it's from years of rubber face.
14:39 Will Arnett? Me too, Maya.
14:40 Jason Bateman? Maybe you and I can find a doctor that can just cinch us up in all the places.
14:44 Speaker 06 Does eyes and vaginas, yeah.
14:46 Jason Bateman? Probably somebody in the valley somewhere.
14:49 Speaker 06 They're kind of similar. They're similar areas.
14:53 Speaker 06 Get your eyes and vaginas done here.
14:56 Jason Bateman? That's like shampoo and shampoo.
14:57 Will Arnett? Shampoo and shampoo. That was Ali's.
15:00 Speaker 06 Shampoo and shampoo.
15:01 Will Arnett? Shampoo and in the back you get shampoo.
15:05 Speaker 06 Maya, here's a very dark, dark story. Oh, Ali.
15:07 Will Arnett? But hang on, before you get into this, I do want to say this, I want to get this.
15:09 Speaker 06 That I went on a date with, with Ali?
15:11 Will Arnett? You went on a date with Ali, wait, this is-
15:13 Sean Hayes? What do you mean?
15:13 Speaker 06 I went on a date with Ali in New York and he took me to see Puppetry of the Penis. Do you remember that show?
15:18 Sean Hayes? Wait, yes, I saw it in England, it was terrible. Wait, Ali, who's Ali?
15:23 Speaker 06 Ali Farnakian.
15:24 Will Arnett? Larry Farnakian, he's a good, he's a funny guy. He's the guy who came up with Shampooosh and Shampooosh, no, married with a couple of kids. And we used to-
15:31 Speaker 06 And both named Shampooosh and Shampooosh.
15:33 Will Arnett? Shampooosh, and we used to pass Puppetry of the Penis all the time on the way home on 7th Avenue. And then we used to also, Amy and I used to always pass and we'd always say to each other, that my favorite title for a play was, "I love you, you're perfect, now change."
15:48 Speaker 06 Oh my god.
15:49 Sean Hayes? I saw Puppetry of the Penis, I thought it was gonna be like this brilliant thing, it was just guys playing with the dicks on stage.
15:53 Speaker 06 It was so painful and awful looking, a lot of, a lot of stretching of skin.
15:59 Sean Hayes? Yeah.
15:59 Jason Bateman? Wait, so there was actual frontal nudity all the way through it?
16:02 Speaker 06 Yeah.
16:02 Jason Bateman? Really?
16:03 Will Arnett? Are they cut or uncut?
16:04 Speaker 06 Uh, they were, well, they're Australian, so.
16:06 Sean Hayes? Yeah.
16:07 Will Arnett? So uncut, yeah.
16:07 Jason Bateman? Uncut, so snutters?
16:10 Speaker 06 Wait, what?
16:11 Jason Bateman? It's a snutter, right?
16:13 Speaker 06 It's called a snutter?
16:14 Jason Bateman? I believe so.
16:15 Speaker 06 I've never-
16:16 Jason Bateman? If it still has its little turtleneck.
16:18 Speaker 06 I'm a disgusting foul person and I've never heard that term.
16:21 Will Arnett? What about aardvark? We used to call them aardvarks.
16:23 Speaker 06 Yeah, sure, aardvark is standard.
16:24 Will Arnett? I love the idea that Bateman goes in to get a facelift and the doctor says, "No, just, uh, just do the surprise face more."
16:31 Sean Hayes? Yeah, "And could you take care of my snuts?"
16:35 Speaker 06 How many snutters do you have?
16:36 Jason Bateman? I've got three penises.
16:39 Sean Hayes? Sean, I cut you off 10 minutes ago. You cut me off 10 years ago, but that's okay.
16:43 Speaker 06 Hi-o.
16:46 Sean Hayes? No, no, I was just gonna tell a story about my mom who passed away like two or three years ago, God rest her soul, best mom in the whole wide world, darkest sense of humor, that's why it's okay to tell this story, she would even laugh at this. And so when she was two years old, she had cancer and they removed her eye, the entire eye out of her socket.
17:02 Speaker 06 I knew that.
17:02 Sean Hayes? And it wasn't until she passed away that I found her old medical records from when she was a kid and realized and learned that they took skin from around her vagina to reshape her eye socket, which was kind of astonishing back then. But, you know, I shared this story with a friend of mine and he said, "Wait a minute, you're just telling me this now? The whole time I knew her, I could've fucked her in the eye."
17:22 Speaker 06 Oh my god.
17:26 Will Arnett? I thought you were gonna say, I thought you were gonna say to her, everybody looked like a cunt.
17:29 Speaker 06 Oh my god. It's brilliant.
17:33 Jason Bateman? That's better than everything I was working on.
17:37 Jason Bateman? I had tear duct stuff and.
17:38 Speaker 06 Oh my god.
17:40 Jason Bateman? Okay.
17:41 Will Arnett? Okay, okay.
17:43 Jason Bateman? Maya, I'm so sorry.
17:45 Speaker 06 This is an X-rated show, right?
17:47 Jason Bateman? Yeah, no, we're gonna cut that out. So listen.
17:50 Speaker 06 God, that's really funny.
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20:53 Sean Hayes? So I want to ask you seriously, back to Minnie, your mom. Your dad produced that record from your mom, right?
21:00 Speaker 06 Yeah, they wrote a bunch of songs together and stuff.
21:03 Sean Hayes? So, another common question, and I'm sorry, but I think you and your...
21:07 Speaker 06 Did I get laid? Yes, I did.
21:14 Sean Hayes? But did you, because you have a great singing voice, too. Did you ever want to do albums and all that and sing and perform like that?
21:20 Speaker 06 I think the performing part, yes, but the singing part, I knew very early on that I did not have the vocal range of my mother.
21:27 Sean Hayes? Well, because you were surrounded by music the whole time.
21:29 Speaker 06 Yeah, musical, but I don't have that kind of a voice. I mean, when the standard is like a seven octave range, you're sort of like, I'm good. But I like, I like making music. I do like making music. I think now that I'm almost 50, I'll probably start publicly making music, now that I'm not as afraid as I used to be.
21:49 Jason Bateman? How does one start? Is it like you start with jingles?
21:53 Speaker 06 Yeah, you know, like you write songs about lettuce. You're like.
21:56 Jason Bateman? Uh huh, here we come.
21:57 Speaker 06 Light and free.
21:59 Jason Bateman? Cold and crispy.
22:00 Speaker 06 That's the way it should be. Crispy too, that's right, Bateman.
22:05 Jason Bateman? Mm hmm, swallow it down. Firm yourself.
22:08 Will Arnett? Bateman brand lettuce, the crispier.
22:10 Sean Hayes? Um, do any of your kids wanna do like, open their mouths and make sounds that sound like music?
22:15 Speaker 06 They're very, they all seem to wanna be filmmakers, so that's definitely happening.
22:20 Sean Hayes? Cause your husband, or your partner is Paul Thomas Anderson.
22:22 Speaker 06 All of the above. He's all of those things. And, you know, and they have iMovie, so they make a lot of, um, movies all the time, which is pretty damn cute.
22:30 Jason Bateman? All four of them.
22:31 Sean Hayes? Oh, that's great.
22:31 Jason Bateman? Truly?
22:32 Speaker 06 Mm hmm.
22:33 Will Arnett? When my, uh, when Archie was born, the night he was born, it was a Saturday night, and of course, Amy didn't make the show that night.
22:40 Speaker 06 We were supposed to do a Bronx beat that night.
22:42 Will Arnett? You're supposed to do.
22:43 Sean Hayes? You're talking about Amy Poehler from Saturday Night Live is your ex-wife of.
22:46 Speaker 06 Don't forget, well, your OB died.
22:49 Will Arnett? Our OB died the day before, so the day that.
22:51 Sean Hayes? Wait, what?
22:53 Will Arnett? So it was the first time Ham was hosting SNL, do you remember? So Ham was hosting and I was.
22:57 Sean Hayes? John Ham.
22:58 Will Arnett? They were shooting, uh, John Ham, Sean, I love.
23:01 Jason Bateman? Thanks, Sean.
23:01 Will Arnett? Sean is like a, is like an audio chiron.
23:03 Sean Hayes? Well, and you know what? And here's the thing, by the way, I have to jump in. So my sister and all her friends live in Wisconsin and they listen to these podcasts and she's like, I don't know what they're talking about half the time. They're talking about names, so that's why I'm plugging in all these names, cause they don't.
23:15 Will Arnett? You know what my advice to your sister is? Move, okay? So anyway, anyway, that's fair enough, that's fair enough. So John Ham, first time he's hosting, so we go and we're gonna, we're supposed to go to this, um, uh, doctor's appointment and the OB dies. He dies that day.
23:28 Sean Hayes? Are you being serious? That's crazy.
23:30 Will Arnett? That's what, yeah, so he was old.
23:31 Speaker 06 He was old.
23:32 Will Arnett? He was very old.
23:33 Jason Bateman? Why was she seeing a guy on his death's doorstep? Did she get a deal on him or something like that? I mean, you feel like you get an OB GYN that, that's got a few more years left.
23:42 Will Arnett? A little more vibrant, yeah. So anyway, so we go in.
23:44 Speaker 06 Sometimes you want, sometimes you want the best, you go, you go, you go to the quality.
23:49 Will Arnett? This guy had delivered, this is not a bit, the whole, the big thing was he had delivered Sophia Loren's baby.
23:54 Speaker 06 Oh my god.
23:55 Will Arnett? Back in the day, whatever, and we were like, that was great in like 1950.
23:58 Speaker 06 Beautiful baby, that was a beautiful baby.
24:01 Will Arnett? What a baby. But then apparently he forgot about it, but anyway, look.
24:07 Will Arnett? So, so anyway, we go in and Archie is born and we turn on the show that night and he's a couple hours old and Maya sang a song.
24:16 Speaker 06 Oh yeah, Keenan and I, Keenan and I sang a song for little baby Archie.
24:20 Jason Bateman? Really, live?
24:21 Will Arnett? Yeah, yeah.
24:22 Sean Hayes? Oh, that's so nice.
24:23 Jason Bateman? Wow.
24:24 Speaker 06 I'm nice sometimes, Sean, I really am.
24:26 Sean Hayes? Well, that's not coming through.
24:28 Speaker 06 Uh oh, sorry.
24:29 Sean Hayes? You are the nicest, I love you to death, you know that?
24:31 Speaker 06 I know, I love you too.
24:32 Sean Hayes? I want to ask you some more stuff, but can I go to SNL, which I know you're probably sick of talking about, but, or maybe you're not, but I...
24:39 Speaker 06 I'm cool.
24:40 Sean Hayes? I hosted your first year of SNL, I was a host during your first year.
24:45 Speaker 06 Oh, I remember.
24:46 Sean Hayes? And even then, I was like, as I was hosting, I was like, who is this master of comedy, this girl, I just, who I'm falling in love with so quickly without as much as a date?
24:58 Speaker 06 I remember the Facts of Life sketch so well that you put up and it was, Mrs. Garrett's stuck a carrot up her butt and that's why her hair's so red, keeps singing, these are the facts of life.
25:13 Sean Hayes? I can't believe you remember that. That is insane.
25:18 Speaker 06 Because I couldn't stop singing it afterwards. Mrs. Garrett's stuck a carrot up her butt and that's why her hair's so red, keeps singing.
25:32 Sean Hayes? But it's got, it's got, wait, it's got, wait, it's got a bunch of verses. These are the facts of life. It was, it was...
25:41 Will Arnett? Who wrote that lyric?
25:42 Speaker 06 He did.
25:43 Sean Hayes? Me and Raina got super stoned, and Raina's a friend of mine, and wrote this entire song called The Facts of Life, and it went through...
25:49 Will Arnett? Raina's a friend of Sean's who's a cook and who's a very good friend of Sean's. Sorry, keep going.
25:54 Jason Bateman? That's for Wisconsin, yeah.
25:56 Sean Hayes? Uh oh. You're such an asshole.
26:01 Sean Hayes? All right, so wait, so back to SNL. So when you were there, and I know everybody asks this, but for anybody who's not, who's never been part of the institution of comedy, you know, that creates legends like you are now, and yes, you are. Thank you, Sean, you're welcome, Maya.
26:17 Speaker 06 No one said anything.
26:18 Sean Hayes? Everyone always asks.
26:19 Jason Bateman? I did want to cut him off again, because I feel like he might land the plane at some point during the fucking podcast. But I did want to say, Maya, you are comedy royalty to me. If anyone was listening to anything I've said over the last 20 years, I reference you all the time.
26:35 Speaker 06 You do?
26:36 Sean Hayes? Everybody does.
26:37 Jason Bateman? A certain level of sophistication in comedy, I will say, like Maya Rudolph. And people go, oh, I get it. Now, I swear to God.
26:45 Speaker 06 If you're only saying this for me being here today, I do appreciate it.
26:49 Sean Hayes? It's so true, Maya, you know how I feel. You are, you are one of the comedy legends of history, for true.
26:55 Jason Bateman? People get it, it's a very efficient, economical way to say, oh, you would like some smart laughs. Got it.
27:02 Speaker 06 Wow, that's a pretty, um, large compliment, thank you, my friend.
27:06 Jason Bateman? It is absolutely true.
27:07 Will Arnett? But I think that what Jason's getting to, not only are you known for that, but I will say that as somebody who has worked with you a bunch over the years, and Sean can attest to this too, and the three of us did work together as well, there is nobody who's quicker, or faster, or better in the moment, and can eke out, make anything funny, even if the scene is terrible, and you want to throw it out, and then find it in the trash and throw it out again, because it's so bad.
27:34 Sean Hayes? Yeah.
27:34 Will Arnett? You have the ability to make every, you bring just, you always bring the element, and this is, I think, the real, the sort of the trademark of somebody who's really funny, you always bring in the element of surprise. You never know what you're gonna do, and it's so, every time, it's so awesome. I always feel, it's exciting doing a scene with you.
27:53 Speaker 06 This is why getting old is great, because we all remember things a lot less than what really happened. So your memories, all of your memories of our time together are so vague.
28:05 Jason Bateman? The humility and the deflection, I love it. This is part of the intelligence.
28:09 Speaker 06 It's nice, but honestly, it is nice to appreciate. I will, I will get honest promoted. It's nice to appreciate each other as we, as we age, isn't it? It's nice to have like, it's nice to have had fun together. Cause like my, my thing, once I started having kids and having to go to work, I realized like, oh, I have to actually like what I'm doing today, or I'm gonna wanna kill myself.
28:30 Will Arnett? Right, yeah.
28:31 Speaker 06 Because it's so depressing when you hate your job and you're, you've left your beautiful babies at home. So, all the time that I've spent with, with you guys and in, out in the world and doing things, I, I cherish those times because all I did was laugh my ass off.
28:47 Sean Hayes? So hard. I remember, I remember there's this one scene that you and I were in in the show called Up All Night.
28:52 Speaker 06 Hmm?
28:52 Sean Hayes? Uh, that Will was also in with Christina Applegate.
28:54 Will Arnett? Sure.
28:55 Speaker 06 Hmm?
28:55 Sean Hayes? And, uh, those are my reference points, Will. And, uh, and-
29:00 Will Arnett? So what network was it on? Just people don't know.
29:03 Jason Bateman? This was about the, the coke addicts, right?
29:07 Sean Hayes? So, and Maya, you, there's this scene where it wasn't quite there yet with just the rehearsal and the writing and us acting. And we just were trying-
29:15 Speaker 06 And I kept saying, "Is it in?"
29:17 Sean Hayes? Yeah, right. And I said, I said, I said, "If you can't feel it by now, it's never gonna be." Uh, and you, and we crafted the scene in such a way that we finally got it there. And then when we shot it, you made, like to Will's point, you made it so funny, I couldn't breathe laughing. And it wasn't a house-
29:32 Speaker 06 Oh, was it that Halloween thing?
29:34 Sean Hayes? Yes.
29:34 Speaker 06 Where we were supposed to be dead or something? We were pretending to-
29:37 Sean Hayes? Oh, God, I laughed, sorry.
29:38 Speaker 06 Got you.
29:38 Sean Hayes? But, okay, so here's the thing, but now you've accomplished something that-
29:42 Speaker 06 God, you really did your homework, Sean. What's happening?
29:45 Jason Bateman? This is the obligation of the host, of the, the person who invites the guest. They need to be the adult, they need to have the question.
29:51 Speaker 06 He's so together.
29:51 Jason Bateman? And then the other two idiots get to just throw bombs from the sidelines.
29:54 Speaker 06 I've never seen this side of you, Sean.
29:56 Sean Hayes? Yeah, well, it's, it's, it's comforting, isn't it? It's, it's, well, but like to your point-
30:02 Jason Bateman? If you tighten it up, it is.
30:03 Sean Hayes? So-
30:06 Sean Hayes? Bye. Okay, listen, listen to me. Now, you've accomplished something, and now I'm gonna compliment these other two jerks. You've accomplished something that even Jason will have accomplished, and I wanted to talk about this. You all came onto the scene as actors who excel in comedy, and that's kinda what made you famous in the world. And you all have expanded your repertoire and kind of like crushing the dramatic work as well. Like, I even told Jason on Ozark, it's the best work I've ever seen him do. It's, he's incredible on the show, and when he cries, I cry.
30:40 Jason Bateman? Very nice of you. Thank you.
30:41 Speaker 06 Look, his face hasn't changed.
30:43 Sean Hayes? But you both, you both excelled at the drama work too, and I know that's hard to accomplish. But what's really hard to accomplish, and you guys have all done it, which is to hold on to a sense of where you came from and acknowledging your comedic roots. Because I feel that a lot of people who are famous because of comedy immediately take themselves too seriously and then lose themselves in the journey to prove that they're more than that. And in doing so, sometimes they fail. I mean, do you know what I mean?
31:10 Speaker 06 I think so.
31:11 Jason Bateman? I was guilty of that first season of Ozark. I had the head writer, showrunner, cut out all the comedy that he'd put. It wasn't a ton of comedy, but there were some things that were, and I was like, I was so like, people have to know that this is, this is, this is a drama, you know? And they're gonna think that there's, it's a comedy because I'm in it.
31:27 Sean Hayes? It is a drama.
31:28 Jason Bateman? Well, exactly, but like a great writer does, throws in moments of levity to, you know, and so I got less precious about that in the second season, and people really liked that about his writing and the third season as well. So I got...
31:40 Will Arnett? And that was, the second season is when they stopped calling you precious on set, right?
31:44 Jason Bateman? Yep, yeah, that was the end of that. Figured out what was causing it and put an end to it.
31:49 Will Arnett? I was gonna say, I mean, you guys all know, I mean, comedy is just infinitely more difficult than drama over time. To be consistently, you know, funny, it's much harder than...
32:01 Sean Hayes? Well, dying is easy, comedy is hard. I mean, I have to teach them all these old things.
32:05 Speaker 06 Did you just make that up?
32:05 Jason Bateman? Wait, did you just come up with that?
32:06 Speaker 06 You're brilliant.
32:07 Jason Bateman? Holy shit.
32:08 Speaker 06 I mean, Jesus, we should give you an award.
32:11 Jason Bateman? Sean Hayes, unreal. Write it down real quick, you're sitting at a desk.
32:14 Sean Hayes? Oh, I did, that's why I just read it off my...
32:16 Speaker 06 The truth is that, yeah, what I mean, what you're saying, well, is what I feel is like, you know, at a certain point, you realize how they're also the comedy and the drama is few and far between, and you realize how serious and depressed you really are as a comedian internally, and then like, it's all kind of part and parcel, the same thing. So that all the little funny bits make the serious stuff real, and it's all kind of.
32:41 Will Arnett? I like that movie you did with Krasinski, where you guys were, it was funny, but also had dramatic moments. John Krasinski from The Office, Jesus.
32:48 Speaker 06 He was on The Office.
32:50 Will Arnett? He was on The Office, Wisconsin.
32:53 Jason Bateman? Sam Mendes directed, yeah?
32:55 Will Arnett? And Sam Mendes directed. And you guys, that was a great, and I, I said this when we made our little show Flake, that not a lot of people saw that was on Netflix, but I used to say, people say, is it a comedy or a drama? I'm like, I don't know. When I wake up in the morning, you don't go like, today's gonna be a comedy day.
33:06 Speaker 06 Exactly.
33:07 Will Arnett? Or today's gonna be a drama day. I wanted it to feel like a representation of what a life experience is.
33:12 Speaker 06 I mean, other than like Mel Brooks's house, I don't know that most comedy households are always funny, right?
33:19 Will Arnett? No.
33:19 Jason Bateman? They're probably real quiet.
33:20 Speaker 06 They're probably really dark.
33:22 Sean Hayes? Yeah, for sure.
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34:39 Jason Bateman? Your new system with professional monitoring at simply safe dot com slash SXM. Outdoor deterrence plans start at forty nine ninety nine a month. Visit simply safe dot com slash licenses for alarm license information. Sure. Now, Maya, with all the years of experience that you have and the clear understanding, obviously, of the nuance of comedy as well as drama, do you have any desire to write anything long form or direct anything long form and kind of be the person that navigates all that stuff?
35:04 Speaker 06 Directing, no. Directing, I absolutely don't ever want to do. And I think it's the amount of responsibility that's required that makes me feel like itchy and hot. The like knowing that I have to make sure you've got this covered. It's like being the host of a party and making sure everybody's happy. Like, I don't think that's in my nature and I'm and I'm OK with that. That's why I live with a director. I don't want to be one. But I honestly enjoy the producerial side of giving my opinion, putting my time in. I mean, I feel like I'm all I'm gonna be a forever writer in the way that I sort of
35:45 Speaker 06 just like haphazardly became a writer at SNL because they just make you write. You don't have a choice and no one really says, hey, you're a writer. Now you're just like, I'm writing my sketches. I don't have a choice. And it's really the only way to survive. So I think create I'll continue to create what I do. But the directing part, I like to I like to sit down and eat my lunch, you know? I don't.
36:09 Jason Bateman? Like to be a guest at the party, not host.
36:10 Speaker 06 Yeah, it's so stressful. And I love when people love doing it and I love to be a part of that. But I feel like there was a point in my life where I thought like, I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna do that. And then once I started realizing I don't I'm not good at everything and that's OK. I'm sort of like, yeah, there's no there's no shame in that game.
36:32 Will Arnett? My recollection of Maya on Up All Night is this like, we'd be shooting, shooting all day, be like lunch and then her dressing room is next to mine and then like the knock on the door and be like, are we still shooting that scene after lunch? I mean, oh, done with.
36:46 Will Arnett? I'd be feeling the same way. I'd be like, I don't know. We both had little kids that are like, I don't know.
36:50 Speaker 06 I was nursing, remember? I was nursing at the like, right, like the baby was in the room. I was pumping and I was sweating all the time.
36:58 Will Arnett? Was that Jack who was just born?
36:59 Speaker 06 It was Jack, yeah. He's just turned nine.
37:01 Sean Hayes? I want to ask you a serious question. I don't know if I'm gonna get through it with my co-host, but here we go.
37:06 Will Arnett? Okay, and you hang on, let me get the stopwatch and go.
37:11 Sean Hayes? Your mom so sadly passed away when you were younger. I think you were six, seven, eight years old, something like that.
37:17 Speaker 06 In the wheelhouse, yes.
37:18 Sean Hayes? Yeah, in that wheelhouse. And so, and you're such an incredible mom as I've seen firsthand. It always seems like your children comes first, which is the correct thing to do and before anything else. And you're always present and it's what every kid wants. But does any part of you, when you were starting to have kids, like, and it's, did you have one of those real human fears of, oh my God, what if, what happened to me happens to my children and I'm not around? Is that gonna happen?
37:44 Speaker 06 Oh, I'm still not sure that I'm doing this correctly. And I get weirded out all the time that I'm 48 and my mom was only 31 when she died. And I'm like, now what? How did I get to be older than my mother? It's so crazy. Like,
37:59 Sean Hayes? Yeah.
37:59 Speaker 06 I don't, I don't know how the hell we're all adults to begin with, let alone responsible for other people and in relationships and families. It's crazy. But I-
38:11 Sean Hayes? What's your perfect, what's your perfect ratio-
38:13 Speaker 06 My perfect mate?
38:14 Sean Hayes? Your perfect ratio of work to parenting? Like, like, like, what are you doing today aside from this? Like, do you, do you?
38:22 Speaker 06 That's a great question. I appreciate that question. I'm gonna do a little voiceover work later on this afternoon for-
38:28 Will Arnett? Who are you, who are you working for?
38:30 Speaker 06 I'm working for a wonderful production called Bless the Hearts by our friend Emily Spivey.
38:34 Sean Hayes? Oh, bless the hearts. Bless the hearts.
38:37 Will Arnett? Oh, bless the hearts.
38:39 Speaker 06 It's up the night with. And-
38:41 Will Arnett? Are they looking for any new characters or?
38:46 Sean Hayes? God, that's good.
38:47 Speaker 06 It was really good.
38:49 Will Arnett? Damn.
38:50 Speaker 06 It was sexy, but also a little bit scary.
38:52 Will Arnett? Ooh, this guy.
38:54 Speaker 06 And a little, a little bit sad, like a little bit like-
38:56 Will Arnett? Well, you know why? Cause, cause he's had a few, even though it's Wednesday. And he said he wouldn't, but he did.
39:03 Speaker 06 I thought he was constipated. He sounds a little-
39:05 Will Arnett? No, he had a few.
39:06 Speaker 06 He sounds like he needs water.
39:08 Will Arnett? When ain't nobody was looking-
39:09 Speaker 01 And he had a few.
39:10 Jason Bateman? Or he's a self asphyxiate there in the Jack Shack.
39:12 Speaker 06 Oh, boy. You know what's funny? I did write, in the time that we've been on this, I did write a theme song for the Jack Shack. And it's called, "Jack Shack, shacking it up. Jack Shack, you can shack it. Jack Shack, shacking it up. Jack Shack, shacking it up. Shack."
39:31 Speaker 01 Get your jack on.
39:38 Will Arnett? Shacking it up. Shack.
39:41 Jason Bateman? I wish we had an animated portion of this show.
39:43 Will Arnett? It'd be so good.
39:46 Will Arnett? Maya used to do this character. She, we were gonna do a video and I was gonna be this French.
39:49 Speaker 06 Pop the cork.
39:50 Will Arnett? Pop the cork. And I was DJ Metro. It's such a French rapper. And it's just Maya and she's in just like, she's in Saint-Tropez and she's in, you know, Italy.
39:58 Speaker 06 I like to celebrate.
40:00 Will Arnett? Pop the cork. Pop the cork.
40:04 Speaker 06 We would just say like, London. Pop the cork. Dubai. Pop the cork. Israel.
40:12 Jason Bateman? I wanna see you doing all these characters every week again, damn it.
40:17 Will Arnett? I know.
40:17 Speaker 06 I should answer your question because you bring something up, which is that I, I do, every once in a while I'll go, God, I should do that show. Or I should, when you were asking about creating and stuff, like, oh, yeah, I should create this shit. And then I'm like, what am I saying? Then I'll never be home. I can't do that. But I'm lucky enough to have a lot of talented friends and I'll do like a little bit here and a little bit there and a little, and that.
40:39 Jason Bateman? And that's plenty for you. That's enough.
40:41 Speaker 06 It's plenty. Sometimes I spread myself too thin and then everyone will say, no, now I'm ready to get back in the saddle and do it. But I also like to go home sometimes.
40:50 Jason Bateman? Have you been courageous enough to play with the idea of an empty nest at some point, sometime, deep, deep in the future? I, I say that because, because I have. And it just, as much as I am, I, I love to be out and working. I love my kids. I love that they are here and I think I'm gonna be a mess when they go to college.
41:12 Speaker 06 For sure.
41:12 Jason Bateman? You have that times two, right? Because I got two kids, you got four.
41:15 Speaker 06 Yeah, and like when, you know that, like when one of the kids isn't home and they're at a friend's house or something, you feel like, there's no one here, the house is so quiet. And it's such a strange. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what I'm gonna do. But maybe that's a good time to, you know, move back to New York and start all over again.
41:31 Jason Bateman? Yeah, there you go.
41:32 Speaker 06 Go see Puppetry of the Penis with Ali and.
41:34 Jason Bateman? Yeah, just do some sort of a sequel to Puppetry of the Penis. What would that be called?
41:39 Sean Hayes? I want to go back to the question I had about
41:42 Jason Bateman? We'll come back on that.
41:43 Sean Hayes? 30 minutes ago.
41:45 Will Arnett? Yeah, Sean, definitely tee up another real question. Go ahead.
41:49 Jason Bateman? What's number two?
41:51 Sean Hayes? I want to know because I want to know these things.
41:53 Will Arnett? I know you do, and you know what, by the way? Good for you.
41:56 Sean Hayes? Thanks, guys.
41:57 Speaker 06 I know, it's very responsible. I feel like you brought me in and you were like, I have to ask her real questions or she's gonna...
42:02 Sean Hayes? Yeah, otherwise it's like, they're just bits which I love.
42:05 Speaker 06 I don't care, you don't have to ask me anything real. Listen, you can ask me anything you want.
42:09 Sean Hayes? I love it, and so I want to know how you feel about me. No, I want to know. I want to know, like, because way back 30 minutes ago when I was talking about Saturday Night Live, and how you've helped create that institution that it is. Everybody wants to know, what was it like getting the gig that you always dreamed of getting? Like, what was it like the first week? Is it like the first week of school? And were you nervous? And like, how did you navigate around that?
42:33 Speaker 06 That was crazy because I came in at the end of the 2025 season, and I had this really lame situation where I listened to like, a bad manager. I was so young, and she said, "Don't audition. The new contracts are really binding." And I went, "Oh, okay." I'm a fucking idiot. And so I didn't audition, and then, long story short, I was lucky enough, they asked me to come and do the last three shows. So, it was more like trial by fire, but it was the end of the season, so everyone knew each other already. It was like, it was like joining a school year with three weeks left. So like, I didn't know anybody, and everybody knew where to sit, in the cafeteria kind of feeling. Like, it just felt really bad and scary.
43:14 Will Arnett? I didn't know that.
43:15 Jason Bateman? You did not audition?
43:17 Speaker 06 No.
43:18 Jason Bateman? So, were you a part of the writing staff? And they wanted to put you then on camera?
43:21 Speaker 06 No, it was really confusing. It wasn't clear. They brought me and Zach Galifianakis, and I think it was Jerry Minor. I think we were the three people that they brought out for this three-week trial period. But Zach and I didn't know what was going on. Zach said, they brought, he had auditioned, and then he said, like, they brought me out. But they were just auditioning him as a writer and he was really like, I don't know what's happening. We were a little bit confused.
43:50 Will Arnett? Did Zach do the show?
43:51 Speaker 06 He wrote for three weeks. He and I shared an office and we were both like scratching our heads like.
43:56 Sean Hayes? I didn't know that either.
43:57 Speaker 06 What are we doing?
43:58 Sean Hayes? See assholes, it's good I ask questions like that.
44:01 Jason Bateman? It is good. You know what, Sean? Great question.
44:03 Speaker 06 Great question, Sean.
44:06 Jason Bateman? Can you string two together?
44:11 Sean Hayes? Well, that seems like it's very difficult.
44:14 Jason Bateman? I can't believe we've gotten to 30 minutes in and we haven't asked you whether you're excited or dreading the whole Kamala Harris for the next probably 12 years.
44:24 Speaker 06 Can I just say, wouldn't that be a nice problem to have?
44:27 Jason Bateman? Oh, God.
44:28 Speaker 06 Instead of this fucking shit pile of shit of shit mountain that we're living on.
44:33 Will Arnett? We just, we just had her on the show.
44:34 Speaker 06 You did?
44:34 Will Arnett? Literally the day before it was announced that she was on the ticket with Biden.
44:38 Speaker 06 She's pretty fantastic.
44:39 Jason Bateman? She's awesome.
44:40 Sean Hayes? She's amazing.
44:41 Speaker 06 There's nothing there that isn't cool. It's like, hey, do you want to play a cool superhero? Like, yeah, sure, I'm, I'm good. Like, you know this, you know, you get to be Batman. It's fun. It's fun to like be a cool person. It's, what am I gonna?
44:54 Sean Hayes? It's kinda what I'm known for, Batman. Oh, you're talking about Will?
44:56 Speaker 06 Yeah.
44:57 Jason Bateman? But once the, as Will calls it, the hoax virus goes away, you're gonna have to fly back and forth to, to New York all the time. Are you going to be happy about that? That's, that, that could get burdensome.
45:09 Speaker 06 I don't know. I, I really am, I think I'm a little bit in denial of what is happening in the world and what's going to happen. I mean, is there going to be a live show?
45:20 Will Arnett? Doesn't matter. You know what's gonna happen. Maya, let's not play this game. We both know this.
45:25 Speaker 06 I like to play hard to get, Will.
45:28 Jason Bateman? You don't have to start wiggling when you say that, Maya.
45:31 Speaker 06 I still have my exercise tank on. I haven't exercised yet.
45:36 Will Arnett? I haven't showered. I haven't showered yet.
45:42 Jason Bateman? I need to take a shower. You don't want any of this.
45:44 Speaker 06 Uh-oh. You guys want Chinese chicken salads for lunch? Everybody? Everybody? Everybody's Chinese chicken salad? Let's get Chin Chin. I want Chin Chin.
45:56 Jason Bateman? Wait, is Chin Chin still around?
45:57 Speaker 06 Yes.
45:58 Sean Hayes? I get it all the time, and it's so fattening, I call it double chins.
46:01 Speaker 06 Chin Chin is still the best. Just the Chinese chicken salad. I don't think I've ever had anything else.
46:07 Sean Hayes? It's the best.
46:07 Will Arnett? But you know that the conversation that's happening right now is, "So Maya will come and do this show. She'll come Saturday, and then she'll come the next Saturday, and so Maya will come."
46:17 Sean Hayes? That's Will's attempt at Lorne Michaels' impression, everybody.
46:20 Jason Bateman? Wisconsin.
46:20 Sean Hayes? Wisconsin.
46:21 Will Arnett? He says, "Sean, they don't need to know. Not everybody needs to know everything."
46:24 Speaker 06 Lorne Michaels is my forever boss. I just decided the other day, like, he's my forever boss. He'll always be my boss. He'll be my friend, but no matter whether I ever work there again, he'll always be my forever boss.
46:35 Sean Hayes? Mia, Mia Rudolph.
46:36 Speaker 06 Yes, sir.
46:37 Sean Hayes? You've been incredible.
46:39 Speaker 06 It's Mia Randolph.
46:40 Jason Bateman? Here comes question three. Get ready.
46:43 Sean Hayes? No, this is no more questions. I was gonna wrap it up because I know you have kids to take care of.
46:46 Speaker 06 Oh, you mean diapers to change? Daddy!
46:53 Jason Bateman? No, there's no more in diapers, right? You're done with diapers.
46:56 Speaker 06 I'm done with diapers.
46:57 Jason Bateman? Yeah.
46:58 Sean Hayes? So, I can't thank you enough for being here, and we love you very, very, very much.
47:01 Speaker 06 I love you very much.
47:02 Jason Bateman? That was way too short.
47:04 Sean Hayes? And even though we don't get to speak that often, I think about you all the time.
47:09 Speaker 06 Really? Like, all the time?
47:10 Sean Hayes? Yeah.
47:11 Jason Bateman? Hey, hey, guys.
47:12 Speaker 06 That was so, that was so convincing. That was so convincing. Yeah.
47:19 Speaker 06 Oh, Sean.
47:20 Sean Hayes? I do, I really do. I think about you all the time.
47:21 Speaker 06 You're always such a, you're always such a sweet little cookie puss.
47:25 Sean Hayes? Can you sing the Jack Shack, Sean, one more time? Is that, is there a sign on?
47:27 Speaker 06 Jack Shack, shingin' it up. Jack Shack is totally crispy. Jack Shack, one hundred percent. One hundred percent Jack Shack and a chuck!
47:41 Speaker 06 It's totally crispy.
47:45 Will Arnett? Crispy.
47:47 Speaker 06 Think about it, it could be.
47:50 Will Arnett? Box of used socks sold separately.
47:52 Jason Bateman? I was gonna say, there should be a sock sponsor to that. Maya, super, super nice of you to do this.
47:59 Speaker 06 That was really fun, you guys. It's nice to see you. It makes... This is one of those days where, when I'm dying and I'm laying there shriveled up, I'm gonna think about today and I'm gonna have a big smile on my face.
48:10 Jason Bateman? Oh, look at that.
48:12 Will Arnett? Love you, Maya. You're the best. You're the best.
48:16 Speaker 06 You're the best, man.
48:18 Will Arnett? You're the best.
48:19 Jason Bateman? Thank you, Maya.
48:20 Speaker 06 Bye, guys. So nice to see you all.
48:23 Jason Bateman? Bye. See you later.
48:25 Will Arnett? Bye.
48:26 Speaker 06 Bye. Tongues included.
48:31 Sean Hayes? She winged that song and it's gonna be in my head for the rest of the day. Jack, shack.
48:35 Will Arnett? We were working on Up All Night, whatever, 10 years ago, and she said, "What did you do this weekend?" I said, "I spent most of the weekend in my jack shack."
48:45 Will Arnett? And she was so enamored. She loved that idea. She thought it was the grossest expression. And she used to bring it up all the time. She's like, "How's your jack shack?"
48:54 Sean Hayes? "Hey, is your jack shack taken this weekend? I need a place there, bro."
48:58 Will Arnett? I got it on Airbnb now.
49:00 Sean Hayes? Yeah, good. Anyway, I love her. We love her. I'm so glad. By the way, she's the kind of guest that we have on that we can just completely be ourselves and fuck around and it's so fun and...
49:11 Will Arnett? She could guest host the show with us at any time.
49:14 Sean Hayes? Yeah.
49:14 Will Arnett? Because she's so funny and so... And we love her and know her. She's got such an ease and comfort. And she's just, everything about her is the fucking best. I love hanging out with Maya.
49:23 Sean Hayes? Yes.
49:24 Will Arnett? When I hosted Kimmel a couple of years ago and...
49:27 Sean Hayes? Oh, here we go.
49:28 Jason Bateman? Yep.
49:29 Will Arnett? And the ratings spiked. The point is this. I don't even know if sweeps are a thing, but I know it was a big deal to Jimmy and it got him a new contract. And I don't even know how I started on this story, but the point is... I needed a guest and I said, remember Jimmy's son was, was, was in the hospital and stuff? And last night I went there and I, I needed a guest. I was like, who can you count on in a pinch to come in and be funny?
49:53 Sean Hayes? Available.
49:53 Will Arnett? And available. And Maya happened to drive by at that moment. No, and my, I called Maya because yeah, because she's incredibly funny and quick and she saved my ass. She made me look good.
50:04 Sean Hayes? Yeah, she's always, she's always there. Jason, have you ever worked with her?
50:07 Jason Bateman? Yeah, she was on SNL, uh, the one time I hosted way back when, but I would love to, and I was serious. I have, I have talked about her a lot in anything that I have, uh, half a say in. Um, I've always wanted to, more and more and more. I don't, I don't, I don't like what the kids are doing to, uh, her life. Um, and my ability to see her on camera more often. Um, so I'd love to talk to her about that. Maybe finding another place for those kids to live would be best for me.
50:36 Sean Hayes? Start.
50:37 Will Arnett? You should call Dave Becky and put a light of fire under his ass, you know?
50:40 Jason Bateman? Well, but maybe Dave could babysit the kids and book her on a couple more things.
50:45 Will Arnett? That'd be great.
50:45 Sean Hayes? Dave Becky is her manager.
50:46 Jason Bateman? Uh, thank you.
50:47 Will Arnett? Jesus.
50:48 Jason Bateman? Thanks, Sean. Thanks, Sean. That's my, uh, that's my Wisconsin accent. Hey, thanks.
50:53 Will Arnett? Hey guys, don't worry about it. I got it all sorted out. I just heard Sean said that Dave Becky's her manager. Okay?
50:59 Jason Bateman? Yeah, no, Sean just straightened it out.
51:01 Will Arnett? He straightened it out for us out here. Okay? Don't worry, Dave. I guess he's some kind of Hollywood manager.
51:08 Sean Hayes? Anyway, great guest. I love her. I love you guys. Bye.
51:11 Will Arnett? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Sean.
51:14 Jason Bateman? Bye.
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