SmartLess
Hosted by Jason Bateman, Sean Hayes and Will Arnett
Original podcast
It's a holiday miracle! We love you, listener.
2,949 words · 4 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
Good morning, oh my god.
Good morning.
Oh my god.
Here's the cookies.
I put them out.
Oh my god, there's just crumbs here and all the milk is gone. Or is that Sean? Sean, did you drink the milk?
I might have drank it. I might have done both. I might have eaten the cookies and drank the milk.
Hey Sean, where are your pants?
Uh oh. It's a holiday surprise. Welcome to Smartless.
So what do we got going on for the holidays, you guys? We're gonna be...
I'm looking to... I'm gonna be going to a beach, a beach environment. And you're gonna be there as well, Will. And I think it's bullshit that Sean's not gonna be there.
Well, what are we gonna do pre-Christmas? We should get together.
I'm sure we'll be at a holiday party, maybe. I got the invite for Conan.
Yeah. Are you coming?
I think so, yes.
But you said that you might not be able to make it.
Because there's another thing on that night that we gotta go to, but that's not starting until nine. So it looks like I can squeeze Conan in.
Huh.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Oh no.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. No, wait, wait. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Oh, excuse me, excuse me.
Did I just get...
Bateman, hold on, Bateman.
You just ambushed me, Arnett.
Bateman, Bateman. You're gonna squeeze me in?
Yeah, I'm gonna see, I'm gonna be one of those guys.
You're gonna squeeze me in?
You're gonna be, you're gonna be the early part of my night. The night that I don't really care about, because then I'm gonna go to the party that I really wanna go to after.
Wow, and I know, and guess what?
Let me tell you why.
Guess what? I know what that party is, by the way. I know what that party is. And if I could get into that party, I'd be at that party instead of my party.
Yeah, no, she doesn't like you.
Hey, can I tell you something?
You're not going.
First of all, that is, Chris Chan Amampura loves me, and she will have me to her party. That is the party everyone wants to go to. Let me tell you something, Jason, and that's called speed. You'll pick it up someday. Let me say something, Bateman. You bitched. You bitched. You bitched.
Yeah.
On this podcast. Was it?
On live on stage, Conan, remember?
And, and on stage.
And on stage. You bitched and moaned on Harmless. What's the name of it? What is it?
It's Harmless.
Harmless. Well, you bitched.
You bitched.
Marvellous.
You bitched and moaned about not being invited to Conan's, uh, uh, Christmas party, which has become an iconic party.
It's quite a thing.
Everyone goes, and, um...
And yet, I, and, and yet I didn't, and, and so last year was the first invite.
Finally.
I invited you, and what did you do? What did you do?
I couldn't, I couldn't make it.
And what were you doing, what were you doing instead?
I can't remember yesterday.
I remember.
What was I doing? I remember what you were doing instead. You were seeing that...
You were at Jen's.
No, you were, no, he wasn't at Jen Aniston's.
I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go back in my calendar here, um, December twenty, December twenty twenty-three. No, you weren't, no, you weren't in town. Christmas, was it the twenty-third?
Guess what? A friend of mine saw you...
I was at Jen's party.
Nope, you were, you showed up late at Jen's party. A friend of mine saw you at Mineki Mufflers on Los Cienega.
They said that you...
That's when the lines are the shortest.
They said you were there for four hours. Hanging, and listen to this, hanging around, hanging around with no need of a muffler repair. Just chatting people up.
I have an electric car, yeah, there's no muffler at all.
Conan, the worst part is that I heard, I heard that he ri, he was gonna go to your party. He ripped his own muffler off.
Yes.
Just to delay going to your house.
He ripped it off just so he wouldn't have to go. Now, look, everyone says, oh, would you go to Conan's party? Would you go to Jen Aniston's party? Of course, everyone would go to Jen Aniston's party. She's beautiful, she's iconic, she's a movie star, she's a TV star, and what am I? Some thin-lipped, beady-eyed creep. I get it, no one comes to my party, but...
Yeah, those were Sean's words once.
Yeah, I never said that.
He wrote, he wrote them in The New Yorker. They were in a piece in The New Yorker called Why No One Likes Conan O'Brien.
Sean, Sean, you've been to this party?
I've been to this party, but the only reason I get to go is because I have to go early to set up.
It's...
Oh.
You have to work it.
You have to remember, Sean, before he hit it on, on Will and Grace, worked the party for seven years.
He was a cater waiter.
I feel like that's a true story, is it not?
It is a true story. I set up some, uh, party stuff at Anthony Edwards' house before.
Really? Was he kind to you?
Uh, he was very kind.
He was very kind.
Good guy.
Uh, but, but, but Conan's party, your party's always super fun.
And I always start going like, good guy. What are you, the decider of like?
Good guy?
You don't know. You can't judge people.
Can I say something? I'll tell you who a good guy is. A good guy is someone who, I think I've done Smartless a couple of times, sort of to boost the boost the numbers for you guys a little bit and helped you get launched, I think, which was a big help. People were like, I don't want to hear these guys. Who are these got to work actors? And then, hey, Conan's going on, I'll check it out. But listen, then, I, so I did that for you guys, okay? Then, uh, to return the favors, Sean Hayes, been here, talked to me on my podcast, Will or not, comes sometimes when we don't even invite him, just hanging around, holding on to his muffler, and then-
How have I not been invited?
Oh, you have been invited to my podcast many times.
No way.
Many times. Many times. Adam, many times? Many times, and your publicist, your publicist, this is a, this is a quote from your publicist, not his cup of tea. Not his cup of tea.
I swear on my kid's life, I can't remember being invited on your show.
Ask Adam if this is true. Conan, ask Adam if this is true.
Adam, how many?
Three times he said he, he couldn't make it because of prior muffler engagements.
Okay, all right. Listen, that's a three-time callback and that's a felony. Listen, Adam. Adam, Adam, isn't it not true that he has been invited many times and that his publicist, I don't remember her name, I think it's-
Texting them right now.
I think it's Enid, Enid Crud, I think is her name, said, "Not, not his cup of tea."
No, I can confirm he's been invited multiple times.
Oh, you, you left Crud? Wow.
Uh, no, I'm texting Cara Trapickio and Christine Trapickio right now saying, "Show me the receipts of my invites to Conan."
Oh, that's right, because there's always a, there's always a money exchange when I ask you to come on.
Do you, do you think that they're gonna let you feel bad about this? This is their business, is just dancing around your rage fits, babe, and there's no way that they're gonna feed into this.
And I'll tell you something, tell you something.
Conan, how do you spell your name, real quick?
Okay, all right. Jason, if that's even your real name.
I N or A N?
Jason. It's K O N I N. Jesus.
Did you hear the little whoop? That text just went off.
But wait, but now, but Jason, you're gonna go this year for the very first time. This is gonna be super fun.
To the party, but not the podcast. I would like to be a guest on Conan's podcast.
You have been invited.
Empire.
He's our north star, what he's been able to build there with that podcast empire.
And I would like to go see how it's really done.
Oh, well, thank you. And you know what?
I saw the, right off camera, he was going like this.
And just so in case anyone knows, that's either the jerk off motion or the shucking porn motion. I don't know what that is. Wait, you know, I'm gonna wrap this up soon because I have a guest. When is Taylor Swift coming in? Is she coming in now? She's coming in person, right?
I don't know what the, you guys probably had her, but anyway, she's coming in, she's coming in with Travis? Travis Kelsey.
That's the white whale.
Um, anyway.
Wait, Conan, why, why are you wearing, why are you wearing such a thick leather jacket indoors?
Leather jacket indoors, yeah.
I was given this leather jacket by the actress who portrayed both Starsky and Hutch about 15 years ago. And I swore, they said, we'll give this to you if you wear it on the podcast every day, and I do. I do, and it's very cold here in our studio, because we also store, we have some meat storage facility primarily.
Look at that, you do have a beautiful studio there. We're hostage videos here with little laptops, you know?
I find to really get a great interview, I'm gonna, I haven't really listened to what you guys are doing, but to get a really good interview, you wanna be in person and have a real connection.
Well, by the way, let us know if, when you do get a good interview, let us know if your theory bears out. You know what I mean?
We'd love to hear. We'd love to hear.
Now, Conan, if I were ever to be invited to be on your podcast, would I have to drive to you and be in some studio? And be camera ready and hair and makeup and all of that nonsense?
That's called a talk show. I'll make a deal with you. Okay, Jason, I'm gonna deal with you. I don't ever want you to leave your bubble. I want you to stay in the world where you're it and everything's cool. So I would probably...
Wait, here's a real time response from my publicist. I said, have I ever been invited to be on Conan's podcast?
And?
She says, "Yes."
Yes!
And you were a- yes, and you asked us to tell them you were focused on your own for now.
Wow!
Exclamation point.
Yeah, and how many years have you guys been focusing on your own?
Holy shit.
This isn't a new endeavor for you guys?
I'm so embarrassed. When was that?
Yeah, yeah.
I don't remember that at all.
Oh, right, no.
And I do, I make it a point to do people's podcasts that have been so nice with us.
Done Dax's multiple times.
Oh, multiple times for Dax. Oh, that's nice.
Multiple. David Cross is one that I don't even know if it's on the air anymore.
Listen, that has never actually gone out. David Cross is just-
What's the address? I'm driving over there right now.
No, no, no, I don't want you here anymore.
I'm driving. Tell Taylor to pump it, and she's now, she's now the second guest.
Can I tell you something else?
This is gonna be an awkward Christmas.
I don't buy this whole thing, and I don't think your compatriots on the podcast do either, this whole thing that, "Oh, someone who works for me was cruel and mean on my behalf." That's coming from you, Bateman.
No, exactly, yes. You asked us to tell them you were focused on your own for now. I'm admitting to there was some garbage that came out of my mouth that I don't remember, but I'm not denying, and I owe you a hugie, and I'm gonna come over and give it to you.
No, no, no, I, I, I don't want you there now. I think that's the truth.
No, I'm coming, I'm coming.
Because what am I gonna do?
I'm your new sidekick.
I'm gonna stand around and twist.
I'm your new Andy Richter.
I can't wait.
Podcast Andy Richter for at least 12 episodes.
I'm gonna sit around at my party and watch you not eat, and then look at your watch while you think about, "Oh, when am I gonna go see Jen's? I gotta go to Jen's. I gotta go to Jen's. I wanna be there when she's getting a, you know, a, a, a dry blow haircut, whatever it's called. I wanna be there when she's styled. No, I'm not, I'm not-
It's a blowout at a dry bar.
Okay, well, I'm sorry. I haven't, I didn't grow up in Hollywood like you freaks. I come from the real working class-
I'm from Toronto, you asshole.
Oh, yeah, Toronto, North Los Cienega. That isn't even funny. I'm giving you stuff that's C-plus material at best.
Would you ever, hey, Conan, would you ever get a blowout on your hair?
Let's just say it's been done.
You know what I'm saying?
Nobody knows what that means. Nobody knows what that means.
You know what? I'm gonna be honest with you, Will. I don't understand what it means, okay? And if you wanna, if you wanna drive a truck, you wanna-
Drive the best truck possible with a deep.
Yeah, GMC.
GMC truck.
I will say this about you, Conan, I'm gonna put you a compliment here because it is the holidays. And I will say this, I did your podcast years ago, the first time I did it, I did a live show. I've done a lot.
You've done a lot, you've held me out a lot. You know what, you repaid the favor that you, the three of you, of me, two of you have repaid it very kindly. Thank you.
Yeah, and I will say it was after doing your podcast, I was able to come back in and I said to these guys, I said, if this frickin' ding dong, or no, if Conan.
What are we doing?
What are we doing? You know what I mean?
What's the fellow's name over there? Adam?
What's his name?
Adam, Adam Sasse.
Adam. Okay, Adam.
I know, I know.
Hey, Adam's great.
Hi, Adam. Let's just make sure you got a good wifi signal there on your phone or bars or something like that. Let's just keep an eye on it. We got an incoming.
I'm keeping. Now he's inviting himself on your.
We're gonna book it right now.
Yeah, we're gonna book this, we're gonna book you on the podcast, you know it? Guess what?
I'm gonna, I'm gonna guest tell us, when you need to go out of town and vacation with your beautiful family.
Where's he going?
You need someone to go in there.
I'm going to the beach you guys are going to. Aren't you going to a beach together? I wanna go to that beach. I wanna hang with.
We'll do it from the beach.
I wanna do it with the, I just wanna hang with the smartest crowd. That's the cool crowd on the block. No one wants to hang with them.
It came, there, she's, she's got follow up here. The request came in when you were filming Black Rabbit and then they followed up to ask. Okay, so this is in process. So this is in process.
What's Black Rabbit?
There was this little project.
Black Rabbit's his new show, it's gonna be on Netflix next year.
He's amazing in.
I'm gonna come on and promote it on your show.
Sorry. Oh, so you'll come when it's time to promote something? Okay.
Well, I hope you get the word out on Black Rabbit.
Call Adam immediately.
Listen, listen, guys, let's end on a happy note, which is it's the holidays. And hey, you're the best looking guys I know. I love you guys, you're hilarious.
Love you too, Conan.
The broom.
Two of you have meant a lot to me. And I just wanna say I look forward to seeing you at my party. And then we'll all leave after three minutes and go to Jen's.
Thank you Conan for the holiday cheer. We love you.
God bless you. God bless you all.
Conan, I love you and I'm sorry.
No, no, no.
The payback's gonna be, you're gonna feel horrible how much I give.
In the days to come.
In the days to come, when your podcast this Saturday, he's gonna give a speech.
Oh, good.
Standing next to the ham.
I'm gonna bring 16 hams.
Guys, I gotta go. T-Swift is here. Peace out.
Peace out. Thank you, Conan. You're the best.
Love you, Conan.
Bye, you guys.
God damn it.
Page updated November 5, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated