"Colin Jost"

Sleep in the upright position: it’s Colin Jost. The mesh is separating… talking, walking. Swedish fish in a blender, and a midnight bowl of bolognese. Welcome to the newest/freshest/cleanest ep of SmartLess.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Sean Hayes?

  This episode of Smartless is sponsored by Google Book. You know, I'm lucky to have a lot of friends and having them over is great, but with hosting comes all the tedious stuff. The planning, keeping track of who's coming, managing schedules, making sure everything actually comes together. That's where Google Book comes in. It's a whole new kind of laptop. It comes with Google AI Pro, so you can create custom tasks with Gemini. For example, you can tell it to track RSVPs and manage your calendar, and it does that for you, even when the laptop's closed. So there's more time to focus on the fun parts of hosting. Basically, Google Book works hard, so you don't have to. Visit googlebook.com. Available in the Gemini app to Google AI Pro users

• 0:44Sean Hayes?

  in select regions for 18-plus users. Check responses for accuracy. Supervise closely; interrupt when needed.

• 0:54Sean Hayes?

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• 1:34Sean Hayes?

  The place you call home is important to you. So it's important to Allstate. Because home is where you make all your memories. Things like inviting your friends over for game night and discovering that one of them takes charades way, way too seriously. It's these memories that make a house feel like home. If it's important to you, it's important to Allstate. Switch to Allstate, and you could save hundreds on home insurance today. Not available in every state. Potential savings vary, subject to terms and qualifications. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 2:10Sean Hayes?

  Ready for a college degree, but your dog is giving you the side eye while silently judging your life choices? You need to check out Southern New Hampshire University. Their online programs make it possible to earn your degree without sacrificing sleep, sanity, or Scooby snacks. And there's real support from actual humans, if you want that. So you can focus on what matters most: your dog. No, your future. Get the degree your dog approves of. Apply today at SNHU.edu/smartless.

• 2:50Sean Hayes?

  Willie, what kind of shirt you have on? What is that?

• 2:53Will Arnett?

  It's cotton.

• 2:54Sean Hayes?

  It's cotton?

• 2:57Sean Hayes?

  What's on the front?

• 2:59Will Arnett?

  It's a thing.

• 3:00Sean Hayes?

  It's a rooster?

• 3:01Will Arnett?

  Well, no. It's Liverpool Football Club.

• 3:05Sean Hayes?

  Oh, what does mine say?

• 3:06Will Arnett?

  Yeah. And yours says "out of office."

• 3:09Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 3:09Will Arnett?

  Where did you get that particular freebie?

• 3:11Sean Hayes?

  I used to work at FedEx.

• 3:12Will Arnett?

  Listen, I can't wait to hear this, but let's do an oldie smartless first. Welcome to Smartless.

• 3:35Sean Hayes?

  Sweet, sweet Willie is over on the pond. Across the pond?

• 3:40Will Arnett?

  Across the pond, I'm in Liverpool.

• 3:43Sean Hayes?

  Wait, why are you there?

• 3:44Will Arnett?

  My home away from home. I'm doing a little thing with the club and with our friends at Tommy Hilfiger. Shout out Tommy Hilfiger.

• 3:53Sean Hayes?

  There it is. We've got it. Was it ever Thomas? When did he go shorter with it? Have you asked him?

• 4:00Will Arnett?

  I haven't asked him. I'm gonna have dinner with him later.

• 4:04Jason Bateman?

  Well, it sounds like a perfect opportunity.

• 4:06Will Arnett?

  Which is, which is why it's gonna be. And, um, yeah.

• 4:09Jason Bateman?

  Um, so Shawnee, you're back in Los Angeles.

• 4:11Sean Hayes?

  Oh, God.

• 4:12Jason Bateman?

  After an incredible, successful run.

• 4:16Will Arnett?

  What a run.

• 4:17Jason Bateman?

  What a run. He's got himself an Olivier Award already from this thing. We will see what our friends over at the Tony Academy.

• 4:24Will Arnett?

  This guy's talented. No, no bounds.

• 4:27Sean Hayes?

  No, no, Jay, the Olivier is from Good Night Oscar.

• 4:29Jason Bateman?

  Oh, the Olivier was for Good Night Oscar is still receiving awards.

• 4:33Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 4:34Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, he sure did.

• 4:35Will Arnett?

  No way.

• 4:36Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, isn't that crazy?

• 4:37Jason Bateman?

  Um, but, but Shawnee, uh, yeah, so we haven't, we haven't started the award circuit yet for, uh...

• 4:44Sean Hayes?

  No, you, The Unknown. It's called The Unknown. But, but, but you can't because it's off Broadway. So, I mean, I...

• 4:49Jason Bateman?

  Off Broadway has no awards?

• 4:51Sean Hayes?

  It does, but, and I got nominated for the one that they do, which I, it's called, I forget what it's called, but, um...

• 4:56Jason Bateman?

  Is it called Off Tony?

• 4:57Sean Hayes?

  It was very nice. It's Off Tony, yeah.

• 5:01Jason Bateman?

  Are they called The Tinnies?

• 5:02Sean Hayes?

  The Tinnies.

• 5:03Jason Bateman?

  And let me ask you a question. If you're off Broadway, do you need to go backstage and say hi to people?

• 5:07Sean Hayes?

  Or?

• 5:09Sean Hayes?

  No, you do not. You do not have to do that.

• 5:12Jason Bateman?

  We, uh...

• 5:13Sean Hayes?

  But, but Sam Rockwell, we, your ears must have been burning. Sam came backstage. I know you're working with him soon. He's so nice.

• 5:19Will Arnett?

  He's the best.

• 5:20Sean Hayes?

  He's so sweet, yeah. And, um, and, yeah, I just got back two nights ago. It was great. And by the way, you know, the adrenaline dump, right? Don't you guys feel that after you do a movie or a TV show or a play or anything like that? When you're done, you're just like, oh, man, and...

• 5:36Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, and usually you get sick because the body knows it's now, now I can be ill.

• 5:40Sean Hayes?

  Right.

• 5:40Jason Bateman?

  Um, but you came back and did you, what was your illness? Just basic nausea from all the, um, saturated fats?

• 5:47Sean Hayes?

  Yeah. I ate so much. I, I, I, on the plane back, I had, I had, ordered everything that I could. I had...

• 5:54Jason Bateman?

  You, you order food on the plane?

• 5:56Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, all the time. Yeah.

• 5:58Jason Bateman?

  Is it like a menu?

• 6:01Sean Hayes?

  Yes, yes, yes.

• 6:03Jason Bateman?

  I'll have that.

• 6:05Sean Hayes?

  I had the chicken, the beef, I had a hot fudge sundae.

• 6:07Jason Bateman?

  You can't order two entrees on a flight.

• 6:10Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, you did, and I had like three pretzel roll. I was so hungry because I hadn't eaten in three months because of the play. I lost all that weight. Anyway, who cares?

• 6:17Jason Bateman?

  Wait, why didn't you eat during the play?

• 6:19Sean Hayes?

  Because it's the whole thing I told you. You have to like, you have to watch what you eat, when you eat, and you can't eat before a show because of acid reflux, and then you can't talk, because then you're constantly clearing your throat. It's just like a whole thing.

• 6:30Will Arnett?

  Well, where does spaghetti bolognese with a side of Swedish fish fit in?

• 6:34Sean Hayes?

  So that came, that comes after.

• 6:37Will Arnett?

  Got it.

• 6:38Sean Hayes?

  After when I get home, after like, like I texted you guys a two-show day, I'm like,

• 6:42Will Arnett?

  No, we know, no, we saw the pics, man.

• 6:44Jason Bateman?

  You don't think the acid reflux would come from a midnight bowl of bolognese?

• 6:48Sean Hayes?

  No, because I stay up long enough for it to not happen.

• 6:51Jason Bateman?

  Six or seven hours.

• 6:53Sean Hayes?

  No, no.

• 6:54Will Arnett?

  Stay up, stay up. It's not like you're going for a walk. When you say stay up, you're just sitting on the couch and just letting it sit.

• 7:00Sean Hayes?

  This is correct.

• 7:02Jason Bateman?

  Why don't you sleep in an upright position? That way you can just eat, eat, eat until the last possible moment.

• 7:07Sean Hayes?

  I do sometimes.

• 7:09Will Arnett?

  You ought to get like a, you ought to get like a sleepable toilet, you know what I mean? That has like thing in it, you could be.

• 7:17Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, remember how like in Clockwork Orange, he had his eyelids taped open? Yeah, maybe you do that, do that with your valve, you know?

• 7:27Sean Hayes?

  Just a tube right in there with bolognese?

• 7:29Jason Bateman?

  And just go right to sleep.

• 7:30Sean Hayes?

  Guys, my guest today.

• 7:32Will Arnett?

  Why don't you just throw it in the toilet and cut out the middleman? You know what I mean?

• 7:37Sean Hayes?

  Throw it in the toilet.

• 7:38Jason Bateman?

  I hope your guest understands your dark, dark, offensive humor.

• 7:42Sean Hayes?

  He loves it, actually, which is good. Yeah, he, my guest couldn't speak until he was almost four years old. We're gonna learn about that. When he finally did, he says he sounded like a member of the Soprano family. His mom was chief medical officer at the New York City Fire Department. She survived the collapse of the South Tower on September 11th.

• 8:00Will Arnett?

  Oh my god.

• 8:00Sean Hayes?

  He once went through 12 dumpsters looking for his wife's lost engagement ring. They named their son Cosmo. He co-owns a decommissioned Staten Island ferry, which he has called the single dumbest person of his life. Please welcome the longest-serving Weekend Update anchor in Saturday Night Live history. It's the hilarious and charming Colin Jost.

• 8:19Will Arnett?

  Colin Jost.

• 8:20Speaker 03

  Michael Che, what's up? Michael Che here. Hey, how's it going, guys?

• 8:25Jason Bateman?

  What is up? What is up?

• 8:28Speaker 03

  What's up, guys? That was really, I loved hearing that you guys-

• 8:33Jason Bateman?

  Run down.

• 8:33Will Arnett?

  That can't be true. That can't be true.

• 8:35Speaker 03

  I learned a lot about you guys.

• 8:37Jason Bateman?

  Oh, you're, by the way- All of it's unsurprising. You're in your office right now, I can tell by the ceiling.

• 8:44Jason Bateman?

  Is that true?

• 8:44Speaker 03

  Yes, these, definitely asbestos ceilings that are still here.

• 8:49Jason Bateman?

  Those are the kind of ceilings that you could stand on a chair, lift up one of them and hide stuff up there, put the square right back down.

• 8:56Speaker 03

  Definitely.

• 8:56Jason Bateman?

  You could have, that's no country for old men.

• 8:58Speaker 03

  This one you see has a large stain of some kind that's been here since before I moved in.

• 9:03Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, something up there is leaking that was hidden.

• 9:05Speaker 03

  They came to SN offices like five years ago and they said, listen, over the summer, you gotta clear stuff out, we're removing asbestos from all the offices. And I was like, I've been in this office for 15 years.

• 9:19Jason Bateman?

  No way.

• 9:19Speaker 03

  This is too late. This is way too late.

• 9:21Jason Bateman?

  Really?

• 9:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 9:22Jason Bateman?

  They just, they just found that out?

• 9:24Will Arnett?

  You ought to call one of, you know, those commercials that come on late at night with those, with those doctors, you should join a class action.

• 9:30Speaker 03

  I mean, well, I have that and I've got my vaginal mesh that I've got to call about, too.

• 9:34Will Arnett?

  No, no. Yeah, what's the progress on that?

• 9:39Speaker 03

  Good.

• 9:40Jason Bateman?

  The mesh is separating?

• 9:41Speaker 03

  Yeah, the mesh is, it sounded great at the time, you know, he's like, you wanna do this vaginal mesh, sounds so cool, but then-

• 9:48Will Arnett?

  Right, of course, yeah.

• 9:50Jason Bateman?

  Tell me, what is, what is, just by the way, what is vaginal mesh? Yeah, by the way, I wanted to ask too, but I was afraid I didn't know.

• 9:57Will Arnett?

  By the way, just get more serious, get more serious on the question.

• 10:01Jason Bateman?

  Well, I did wanna get back to the asbestos, and I wanted to pitch Colin, because I think I've pitched you guys before, and I don't remember your response, but Colin, could you please, let me know if you think this, I'm thinking about getting into mold removal, a mold removal business based on just the company name that I've got nailed down. It's, it's called Adjacent Abatement. And I think I could just go into that business, I'll do pretty well, just based on- The name. Title and just-

• 10:31Will Arnett?

  Just the joke, just the joke alone.

• 10:34Jason Bateman?

  The paint on the side of the vans, the bus benches, stuff like that, I'm pretty sure I'll get some nice traffic.

• 10:39Speaker 03

  Oh, when people have extensive mold in their house, they just wanna laugh.

• 10:45Speaker 03

  They want to know they can laugh.

• 10:47Will Arnett?

  They're looking for a pun.

• 10:50Jason Bateman?

  Honey, I hope we find some mold, because I just want to call a Jason abatement.

• 10:54Speaker 03

  That's good. By the way, I've never heard that.

• 10:56Jason Bateman?

  It's pretty good, right?

• 10:57Speaker 03

  Colin, thanks so much for doing this and being here. Thanks for having me.

• 11:00Will Arnett?

  Colin, it's a busy, what is it, Thursday night? This is a busy time for you.

• 11:04Speaker 03

  We are off. We're off this week. I just came here because I was doing something nearby and it seemed like a good place to... It's so quiet here.

• 11:13Will Arnett?

  Well, that doesn't sound shady, doing something nearby.

• 11:15Speaker 03

  I was doing something nearby. Edit that out.

• 11:19Will Arnett?

  Are you bugging Lauren's office again?

• 11:24Speaker 03

  Not in a way he would suspect. Have you seen the new Lauren documentary? I did. I just, we went to the, I guess, premiere of it. That was at Lincoln Center last week.

• 11:33Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 11:33Speaker 03

  Have you guys seen it yet? No.

• 11:35Will Arnett?

  No, I want to.

• 11:36Speaker 03

  I don't think it's out yet. It was very, it was funny. There's a lot of people in it that are really funny. And I found it kind of moving. I don't know that I even necessarily learned anything about him. In fact, in some ways, he seems less known, having seen it.

• 11:52Speaker 03

  It was, I found it kind of moving because he is very much him. And it felt like it was in his voice, weirdly. I don't know. Yeah.

• 12:01Jason Bateman?

  I love that he's finally allowed somebody to like, kind of dig in, right?

• 12:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 12:04Will Arnett?

  I think the thing that people don't know about Lauren, and you can attest to this, Colin, is that Lauren's really funny.

• 12:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 12:13Will Arnett?

  Lauren is really, really funny.

• 12:15Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 12:15Speaker 03

  Yeah, and he is funny in it. Like, he's funny in it.

• 12:19Will Arnett?

  I bet.

• 12:20Speaker 03

  But he'll, you know, someone will be talking him an idea on a whatever Friday night and pitch something, and he'll just look at them and be like, idiot.

• 12:29Speaker 03

  He'll do things that are very out of character and always very surprising and funny. But it is, he's funny in it. And, uh, and he should, he lets them go to like his house in Amagansett, his house in Maine. And you see like, not like all the inside of the house, but like you see where, why he goes to those places to kind of escape and be in the woods and be in nature. It's, it's, I didn't, I was surprised at that.

• 12:55Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, he seems very kind of, when I, when I worked there, or when I did the show, eight, eighty, I think eighty-three years ago. Um, he was always a little, he's scary if you don't know him, you know, because he's a little off-putting. Like, like, he doesn't speak much, so you don't know where you stand with him. At least that was my.

• 13:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, he's kind of, yeah, he's kind of reserved until.

• 13:14Will Arnett?

  What if Colin, what if Colin's just like, what are you talking about? He talks to everybody like.

• 13:19Speaker 03

  He's never.

• 13:19Will Arnett?

  Did he not talk to him?

• 13:20Speaker 03

  He's like the most outgoing guy.

• 13:22Will Arnett?

  He's like one of those.

• 13:23Jason Bateman?

  Ton of jokes and.

• 13:24Speaker 03

  You gotta, you gotta, you gotta slow him down.

• 13:26Sean Hayes?

  Um, Colin, you, I think we've, the first time we ever met was only last year at Robert Downey's part, birthday party, right? I think, it was the first time. And you were so kind enough, if you remember this, you mailed me the form that you have to fill out to get a face mold on Saturday Night Live. You mailed it. Do you remember mailing that to me?

• 13:48Speaker 03

  For Louis, to get it, to do with Louis?

• 13:50Sean Hayes?

  I don't know, but it was like a, it was like a format with my, with my Polaroid on it and all my measurements and my head measurements to get like a mold. And you just sent it to me. I was like, oh, that's so nice.

• 14:00Speaker 03

  I happened to, yeah, like see, uh, you know, I think Jody, who does all the wigs and Louis does, I think they had all these things and they were kind of getting rid of them. And I was like, wait, some of these are, they would be cool. Like they're also, some of them are historic and everything would be.

• 14:15Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, they're cool. It's cool. It's like a cool memento to have.

• 14:17Sean Hayes?

  And did you, did you, did you go ahead and get the face mold, uh, measurement, Sean?

• 14:22Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 14:22Sean Hayes?

  And, and did you, did you have a couple of spares made up?

• 14:25Jason Bateman?

  Of my face?

• 14:27Sean Hayes?

  Uh huh. Well, just walking through.

• 14:30Will Arnett?

  Could we, let me ask you this. Could Jason and I make masks and go as you for Halloween?

• 14:34Jason Bateman?

  Or if you wanted to scare the shit out of him.

• 14:36Sean Hayes?

  Or just target practice and stuff like that. Why were you, um, excited about pursuing, um, a face mold?

• 14:45Speaker 03

  Well, you have to. You did it. You're supposed to, didn't you get a face mold?

• 14:49Jason Bateman?

  I don't remember, and I don't think that I would

• 14:51Speaker 03

  Doesn't everybody call him?

• 14:52Jason Bateman?

  Track down the information on how to get one myself.

• 14:57Will Arnett?

  It's a horrible process.

• 15:01Jason Bateman?

  I don't know what goes on over there with you and Scotty.

• 15:03Speaker 03

  You probably did it and you probably blocked it out because you get, you can't breathe, you know, you're breathing through just straws in your nose because your mouth has to stay steady.

• 15:14Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 15:15Speaker 03

  And it's very claustrophobic and...

• 15:17Jason Bateman?

  But did Sean, did you get, you got information from Colin about how you can go ahead and get another face mold of yourself?

• 15:24Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, well, all that information's on the form that they make for you, yeah.

• 15:28Jason Bateman?

  Right.

• 15:28Sean Hayes?

  So now I have it. Anyway, let's move on.

• 15:31Jason Bateman?

  No, we're not going to. Now you have it and that's a great thing?

• 15:35Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, why not?

• 15:36Jason Bateman?

  Just in case you might want to make a face mold of yourself.

• 15:39Sean Hayes?

  Unless my head has shrunk or grown or something, it should be the same, right, Colin?

• 15:43Will Arnett?

  Oh, man.

• 15:45Speaker 03

  You gotta get a new model every five years.

• 15:48Will Arnett?

  By the way, by the way, right, Colin? Like, is if Colin fucking knows Andrew gives a shit about how this process?

• 15:56Sean Hayes?

  He keeps tabs on me.

• 15:57Will Arnett?

  He just found a piece of paper and he was like, here's the person that you should talk to. He's not invested.

• 16:02Speaker 03

  No, no, then I went back to the files, I compared, I was like, well, these measurements are a little off from the last time.

• 16:08Sean Hayes?

  That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying.

• 16:11Speaker 03

  All right, so Colin... You know the famous thing about Jeff Daniels got it done, right? When he was hosting?

• 16:15Sean Hayes?

  No way.

• 16:16Speaker 03

  And they set the mold in the wrong way, so it stuck fully to his face.

• 16:23Jason Bateman?

  No.

• 16:23Speaker 03

  And he was stuck with just the straws in his nose for like hours and they had to chisel it off of him. And he had like all this sort of scarring, not scarring, but like almost burns from it and then had to close the show.

• 16:38Jason Bateman?

  No way.

• 16:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 16:40Will Arnett?

  That's a night, that's a fucking nightmare, man.

• 16:42Sean Hayes?

  You could still, you could still sip Coca-Cola through, like, he could still drink something.

• 16:47Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, so he was fine.

• 16:48Will Arnett?

  But yeah, don't worry, Sean, you can still...

• 16:50Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, you can still have your sugar sodas, Sean.

• 16:54Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 16:55Will Arnett?

  Sean, yeah, has anybody ever put Swedish fish in a blender?

• 17:01Sean Hayes?

  What's your go to tackiest awful snack, Colin? What do you ashamed that you still eat?

• 17:08Will Arnett?

  You keep it pretty tight.

• 17:09Speaker 03

  I'm fine. I eat, I don't eat great. Like, I don't, um, I don't have any discipline to eating and drinking. But I, I'll eat Swedish fish, actually, at SNL, because there's like a pot. Every Tuesday when there's a writing night, they used to come in when you're up all night and just pour a pile of candy, like, cover the entire writer's room in candy. And so I would have, all Tuesdays, I used to, you know, eat candy all the time. And then, uh, being up all night, there was one time in Lauren's office, uh, Wednesday after the table read, where I was having, like, heart palpitations.

• 17:42Sean Hayes?

  I have that in my notes.

• 17:44Speaker 03

  Having a heart attack.

• 17:45Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, I thought that was from stress or something.

• 17:47Speaker 03

  It was a combination of stress, not sleeping, and also having all this sugar. And I thought I was having a heart attack and, like, called the doctor in Lauren's office.

• 17:56Sean Hayes?

  Was it, was it Afib? Do you know?

• 17:59Will Arnett?

  Paddles wants to know what it was.

• 18:02Sean Hayes?

  Well, Jimmy Kimmel calls me paddles because I've had so much Afib so many times.

• 18:06Speaker 03

  It was not, it was not, it was, it was just a, yeah, it was, it was like a, probably a panic attack, essentially, that was brought on by Nazis.

• 18:15Sean Hayes?

  But you haven't had one since?

• 18:17Speaker 03

  No, and they, the doctor I went to, he's like, it'll be, you gotta try to sleep a little and you gotta, you can't have the sugar all night like that, or, you know, I was like, whatever.

• 18:27Jason Bateman?

  Sugar doesn't make you, sugar makes me so tired, that, that, that sugar peak and then the crash. I go right to sleep.

• 18:34Sean Hayes?

  Doesn't affect me. I can run or sleep. It doesn't matter. Here we go.

• 18:37Speaker 03

  But it was just at an age where I was like, it didn't matter, and I, and then it caught up with me at some point. I was like, ugh.

• 18:44Sean Hayes?

  Colin, wait, talk to me about this. I found this fascinating. What do you mean you didn't talk to you? You were four years old. What does that mean? And then, and then I read that it wasn't Tony Soprano that you sounded like.

• 18:55Jason Bateman?

  Because I was like, oh, he must have compared himself to Tony Soprano when he opened up his mouth. But what do you mean you didn't talk?

• 19:00Speaker 03

  No, I said Carmella Soprano.

• 19:01Jason Bateman?

  Carmella.

• 19:02Will Arnett?

  Carmella.

• 19:03Jason Bateman?

  That's right, Carmella.

• 19:04Speaker 03

  Like, I was, I just videos of me like trying to like sell a bike that I had. It's like, yeah, it's pretty good. It's got two wheels. You know, you can get on it. It's got brakes. But I'm genuinely talking like that and I'm six, seven.

• 19:17Jason Bateman?

  When does a kid usually talk? I forget with my kids. It was like, what, like one or like 18 months, something like that? They start to put stuff in?

• 19:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, 18 months around that. And I think it's almost always before two or usually.

• 19:31Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, girls before guys, I think.

• 19:33Speaker 03

  Yes, yeah. And there's people a little later, but I think it was just getting to a little bit of a more extreme place where they didn't know what was going on, my parents.

• 19:42Will Arnett?

  What were your first, what were your first words?

• 19:45Speaker 03

  Will.

• 19:46Will Arnett?

  No shit?

• 19:47Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm not just saying that. I mean, I-

• 19:49Jason Bateman?

  No.

• 19:50Will Arnett?

  Of course, I believe, I'm looking at your face and I know that you're not just saying that. That's incredible.

• 19:54Speaker 03

  And that's it. And then I didn't say another, anything else for five more years.

• 19:57Will Arnett?

  Why bother? Why bother? You said it all. And then it was Jason. Jason Abatement.

• 20:05Jason Bateman?

  Jason Abatement.

• 20:07Speaker 03

  Because there had been so much mold in my brain.

• 20:13Jason Bateman?

  And there was nothing, they didn't pursue any sort of reason. There was no diagnosis. It was just, you just weren't ready.

• 20:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, something, and yeah, my mom said she, she wasn't worried because it seemed like I was comprehending everything that they were saying. I just wasn't saying anything.

• 20:28Jason Bateman?

  Lot of uh huh.

• 20:29Speaker 03

  And then I went to like-

• 20:30Jason Bateman?

  Lot of mm hmm.

• 20:30Speaker 03

  A speech special, a speech specialist at Staten Island University Hospital, which maybe sounds like a setup for a joke, but-

• 20:41Will Arnett?

  You do your own, everybody can do their own math on that one. I like the idea you were just nodding along, like you're nodding along and doing a lot of winking. He was winking a lot of people.

• 20:54Speaker 03

  So he knew he was cool. We knew he was cool.

• 20:56Jason Bateman?

  Oh, Doctor, no, he's following.

• 20:59Speaker 03

  He was winking and doing the hands where he makes the curved hourglass of a woman's figure. But he's so big, he's fine.

• 21:06Jason Bateman?

  And then walking, there was no pausing in the walking. The walking was on time?

• 21:13Speaker 03

  I was walking so much. Walking like...

• 21:16Jason Bateman?

  Walking was on time.

• 21:17Speaker 03

  I couldn't stop walking.

• 21:18Jason Bateman?

  Okay.

• 21:19Speaker 03

  All night, all through the night. It was basically, they based that horror movie this year, Weapons, on me, because I would just walk out through the woods.

• 21:28Jason Bateman?

  Right.

• 21:28Speaker 03

  Your arms out like you're flying.

• 21:30Will Arnett?

  You know, I remember when my middle son, Abel, was, you know, he wasn't walking, he was like 13 months. He was a little bit later and, you know, his older brother had walked before a year. So I know, so we were nervous. Not really, but we were... And I remember Amy being like, one day, she's like, "He's not walking. He's not walking." And I go, she goes, "He's never gonna..." I go, "Look out on the street. Do you see people dragging themselves by their hands?

• 21:59Will Arnett?

  Pulling themselves along the sidewalk? He's gonna get it, okay?"

• 22:04Speaker 03

  He's gonna pick it up, yeah.

• 22:06Will Arnett?

  And then you ask people, "What are you doing?" Like, "I never picked up walking."

• 22:11Jason Bateman?

  Wasn't for me.

• 22:11Will Arnett?

  I never picked it up. I never...

• 22:12Speaker 03

  I mean, in New York, there might be like 20 to 40 of those people.

• 22:18Jason Bateman?

  Well, that was just not for them.

• 22:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's just not for them.

• 22:22Sean Hayes?

  We'll be right back.

• 22:26Sean Hayes?

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• 23:08Jason Bateman?

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• 23:48Sean Hayes?

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• 25:13Jason Bateman?

  And now, back to the show.

• 25:17Sean Hayes?

  All right, so I want to talk about something you're probably so sick of talking about, but I don't know anything about it, which is the Staten Island ferry you bought with Pete Davidson. Because I've seen you tell jokes about it on the show, on Saturday Night Live. And I always laugh, because I kind of know the gist of it. But why, and what was the plan, and what's the goal, and all of that? Because you paid, like, you still have to pay like a doc, like, don't you, are you still paying for it?

• 25:40Speaker 03

  These are like, exact questions a financial advisor asked me.

• 25:43Sean Hayes?

  And what, and what is the plan, and what is the... Is it just fun? But was it because of your, because these guys don't, Jason and Will, no, but when I was doing my research about your reading, is the, is the journey you took an hour and a half every single day to go to school from Staten Island to Manhattan? And you took the Staten Island ferry?

• 26:01Speaker 03

  I took this, I actually, this one.

• 26:04Sean Hayes?

  Oh, you did?

• 26:05Speaker 03

  This exact, usually, it was this one. Which is, again, is, I explained to my friends, and they're like, "Yeah, but you also took the subway. You didn't want to buy one of those."

• 26:16Speaker 03

  Or a bus. But it was, it's named after JFK, it's named, it was, it was commissioned for John F. Kennedy when he, after he died. And, and it was, it was, it was usually the 7:00 AM ferry that I took, got, because I went up to this high school called Regis High School, that's up on the Upper East Side, and it's free if you get in. It's a really great school. And so, most people that go don't live in Manhattan. Most people come from Brooklyn, Queens, Staten Island, Jersey, even upstate.

• 26:45Sean Hayes?

  And it's about an hour and a half every day?

• 26:47Speaker 03

  Yeah, I took the bus.

• 26:48Sean Hayes?

  There and back?

• 26:48Jason Bateman?

  Come on.

• 26:49Speaker 03

  Each way, yeah. Bus, ferry, subway.

• 26:52Sean Hayes?

  How old were you?

• 26:53Speaker 03

  26th. 14, I did it 14 to 18.

• 26:56Sean Hayes?

  Oh, my God.

• 26:57Speaker 03

  It's just high school, they don't have it. But it was so, I mean, now, it seems like a lot, but now, everything seems like less of a trip. You know, it's like, so, you know, and I was never, you know, and then, once you're there, you're like, in Manhattan with your friends. So, it was kind of, it was very fun.

• 27:12Sean Hayes?

  You'd use the time for homework and whatnot? Like, you wouldn't really feel the, yeah?

• 27:16Speaker 03

  Yeah, I never did, I really never, rarely did homework at home, because it was such a, you know, trip.

• 27:21Will Arnett?

  Jason went to school on an actual bus. The school was on a bus.

• 27:24Sean Hayes?

  Which is true.

• 27:25Speaker 03

  On a bus.

• 27:25Sean Hayes?

  Which is true, yeah.

• 27:26Speaker 03

  Is that true?

• 27:27Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, that is true.

• 27:28Will Arnett?

  For a while.

• 27:28Speaker 03

  How does that work?

• 27:29Sean Hayes?

  Uh, not well.

• 27:30Will Arnett?

  A lot of massaging. That's also true.

• 27:33Sean Hayes?

  There was some massage.

• 27:34Will Arnett?

  It's also true, ask him. Please call and follow up.

• 27:37Speaker 03

  What is the nature, why, how does massaging get involved? No bus I'm ever on is like, and do we do massages?

• 27:44Will Arnett?

  This is one of my favorite areas. This is second only to Ernest Borgnine jerking off all over his house. Keep going, Jason, go.

• 27:55Jason Bateman?

  This was an experimental school, Colin. A friend of my father's started one of these things in his home out in Calabasas. And it was called Heartlight, one word.

• 28:08Speaker 03

  Heartlight, like L I G H D, light?

• 28:10Jason Bateman?

  That's right. And, um, and there were, uh, because Calabasas is, as, as you know, you're familiar with the city here. Um, it's a great deal of traffic, about another hour and a half, just like yours. Uh, from Calabasas into the city. And so there were city days and country days. City days, we'd go in and see the museums.

• 28:28Speaker 03

  Oh, my God.

• 28:29Jason Bateman?

  And so they thought a, a good way to take advantage of that traffic time is to run classes in the back of this bus. You know? Cause they're an incredibly progressive group. And, um, and so we did that. There'd be some motion sickness. And then on the country days, uh, that's when we'd get into all the fun electives like massage. It's true. Building. It wasn't an accredited school.

• 28:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:59Jason Bateman?

  Colin, I don't want to.

• 29:00Will Arnett?

  I am fucking dying.

• 29:02Jason Bateman?

  An accurate picture here, but, um.

• 29:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 29:05Will Arnett?

  I've never seen Will laugh harder. Oh, God, God, it's the most fun. I love, I love Jakey Bates so much.

• 29:12Jason Bateman?

  And I paid for it. Out of my own pocket, I, I was forced to pay for the school.

• 29:18Speaker 03

  And not like regular bus fare, like school fare.

• 29:21Jason Bateman?

  No, no.

• 29:22Will Arnett?

  Did you have to pay? Was it massages extra and did you tip? It was like the tip.

• 29:29Speaker 03

  Did they pay you?

• 29:32Jason Bateman?

  It depends if I'm giving or receiving on that, on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Was the massaging.

• 29:37Speaker 03

  So, Colin. What a great, it sounds like such a great idea and concept, like, well, might as well use the journey for the school.

• 29:45Jason Bateman?

  Sure.

• 29:45Will Arnett?

  By the way, that part makes kind of sense in that way, right? Like that, yeah.

• 29:50Jason Bateman?

  You have to applaud them for the idea.

• 29:52Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 29:54Speaker 03

  And then you're sitting so long on the bus, you gotta provide massages. It starts getting away from it pretty quick.

• 30:00Jason Bateman?

  The donut they had to give each kid to sit on, you know, there's so much class time on the bus.

• 30:07Jason Bateman?

  Not great.

• 30:07Speaker 03

  Anyway, Carl, Lynn. Well, so anyway, we bought, so I texted Pete, which is the wrong person to text with when you have an idea like this. And I was like, should we buy this?

• 30:17Will Arnett?

  Right, because he's gonna say yes.

• 30:18Speaker 03

  The city was auctioning it. And he was, yeah, he was immediately, he was like, fuck yeah, we gotta do this, so. And I texted my dad, who's a teacher on Staten Island, and he, he literally was like, did you do your homework? Which is such a teacher thing to say. And I was like, Dad, I'm just sort of texting you as a formality. I already bought the boat. And then I texted Scarlett, like, guess what? We own a ferry now. And she was like, we?

• 30:44Speaker 03

  Well, did it stay in operation? It was in operation until they, until they, there was a new boat that came in. And the new boat cost like 300 million to build. So I was like, I'm getting an old one for only 280,000.

• 30:59Will Arnett?

  Right.

• 31:00Speaker 03

  This is a deal. That's all the ferry cost, was 280,000 dollars? Yeah, and I thought as a real, I was thinking in a real estate way, if you put it somewhere, it's 70,000 square feet. So I was like, if you put that on a dock in Manhattan, you've suddenly got basically a building on the waterfront.

• 31:15Will Arnett?

  Party space.

• 31:16Speaker 03

  And on that square footage value. Was that the pitch to Scarlett?

• 31:18Will Arnett?

  That could be a school.

• 31:20Speaker 03

  That could be like three schools.

• 31:25Will Arnett?

  Kindergarten, elementary school and high school.

• 31:28Jason Bateman?

  Did you ever explore that opportunity? Like that you could actually park it there on the East River? And, and kind of have yourself a little, a little, not a little, a house right there on the water?

• 31:39Speaker 03

  Yes, we are, we are in the, in the process of doing that. And it's just, it's a long process because all the waterfront stuff is just, there's environmental, there's. So we're in that process and I think we're actually getting close to that process, having a dedicated spot.

• 31:53Jason Bateman?

  Oh, wow.

• 31:55Speaker 03

  Yes, which I joke about it a lot, but it is, and we've done some events on it. Where we really have already made back the money we've invested and, and, and the money we've spent on stuff to dock it and all that. So it's, it's very misreported that it is some sort of crazy money pit.

• 32:11Will Arnett?

  Hey man, I'm not your dad. I'm not your dad. You don't have to prove it.

• 32:14Speaker 03

  It's gonna be fine. It's gonna be fine. Is this, is this a good financial sign where you're like, it's fine?

• 32:21Jason Bateman?

  What's gonna be, what's, what's a home run? What's, what's the goal with it? Once it's parked there?

• 32:25Speaker 03

  I think the goal, a home run for me is like, it's a thing that could be used for an event space, but also has like a norm, like an everyday purpose of like, two, two versions of it to me are like, it could be an operating entertainment like club, like a place where you can go, you can have parties or there's regular parties on it.

• 32:47Will Arnett?

  Bottle service or whatever.

• 32:47Speaker 03

  And then like, I grew up, growing up in Staten Island, I went to this place, it was called the Great Hill Swim Club. That was like a swim club where people would just go and the kids could all hang out, adults could hang out. And I could imagine creating a place like that, that's not like a weird fancy members' club, but it's actually more like middle class in Manhattan.

• 33:07Will Arnett?

  You could just pay as you go, you could go pay to use it.

• 33:09Speaker 03

  Yeah. And you play it and like, there's a pool on the top and a diving board off the top into the, and you have these crazy views.

• 33:15Jason Bateman?

  You can just dive into the East River and enjoy yourself.

• 33:17Speaker 03

  Really enjoy yourself. Really swept down.

• 33:20Jason Bateman?

  Really pitching a swim club on the East River?

• 33:23Speaker 03

  Yes, like, but a pool on the roof deck.

• 33:25Will Arnett?

  But the pool.

• 33:25Speaker 03

  Diving board into the pool, not into the river.

• 33:27Jason Bateman?

  It's like a cruise ship that doesn't leave.

• 33:29Speaker 03

  A cruise ship that doesn't leave, but for families and it would be actually a great, uh, like people would, would spend summers there and then it's also movable. So then half the year would be Miami. And it would be, you'd have that in the winter when it's cold here and you'd have summer there and I think it could be a great thing.

• 33:45Will Arnett?

  Miami. Now, now I'm seeing that Carmella Soprano in you. This is your pitching.

• 33:49Speaker 03

  Then we go to Miami, we take over the High Li racket.

• 33:54Jason Bateman?

  Oh my God.

• 33:55Will Arnett?

  I gotta say, I'm kinda sold on this call and you kinda got me a little bit.

• 33:59Speaker 03

  And then you'd have weddings and like, people already wanna rent it out and we, which we, we will do, we've done it a couple of times, but we'll do it when we have a permanent spot. It just makes the economics way better.

• 34:09Will Arnett?

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 34:10Speaker 03

  And this is all about economics ultimately.

• 34:12Will Arnett?

  Obviously. And then, and then you registered in Liberia? What, what's?

• 34:20Speaker 03

  Yes, we're very open to pirates if anyone wants to.

• 34:25Will Arnett?

  I can't wait. I'm gonna approach it on a Zodiac with a mouthful of cat.

• 34:30Will Arnett?

  QAT.

• 34:32Speaker 03

  Are we, I feel like the cat, the cat used to just fall. Have you been doing any recently? I feel like we've not.

• 34:37Jason Bateman?

  What is cat? What is cat, Will?

• 34:40Speaker 03

  It's like a plant you chew that has like a create, almost a combo of cocaine and hallucinogenic.

• 34:46Will Arnett?

  QAT?

• 34:47Speaker 03

  Yeah. The thing I read about it, that it makes you, it's the phrase I read was it makes you immune to atrocities, which is such a great description.

• 34:54Will Arnett?

  I think they use a lot, there was a lot of usage of it sort of in the Horn of Africa, right? Am I right about that? And, and so, and a lot of, they accused a lot of these, these pirates of, uh, who would go and commit piracy to, of chewing on it. And it makes, yeah, it makes you just do crazy shit.

• 35:10Speaker 03

  It's an appetite suppressant as well. It could give you, it's like a, you know, a sandberg-ish, you know?

• 35:14Jason Bateman?

  This sounds like a fucking silver bullet. Where does one, you, do you need to be in the, on the, the southern tip of, uh, of Africa to find it?

• 35:25Will Arnett?

  No, up in, like, up, up near sort of Somalia, Ethiopia, up, up in there.

• 35:29Jason Bateman?

  Eritrea. So it's closer. Uh huh.

• 35:31Will Arnett?

  Yeah. Eritrea, yeah, like right on the, it's very private. You see these huge bushels of it. It's terrific. I gotta go. I'll get you a number. Are you on WhatsApp?

• 35:42Jason Bateman?

  All right, Colin, first question for our guest today.

• 35:47Will Arnett?

  Wait, Colin, let me think. So Colin, you go to this school, you go to this great school because you're really smart, clearly.

• 35:52Jason Bateman?

  Well, no, well, say the school is Harvard.

• 35:55Will Arnett?

  No, I'm talking about the school he went to.

• 35:57Jason Bateman?

  Oh, that one. Oh, sorry, okay.

• 35:58Speaker 03

  For Regis, yeah, yeah, Regis.

• 35:59Will Arnett?

  From there, you get into Harvard evidently based on your academic merits, I'm guessing.

• 36:07Jason Bateman?

  As opposed to...

• 36:08Speaker 03

  What do you mean, I'm not a traditional athlete?

• 36:10Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, like...

• 36:10Speaker 03

  Well, I... I'm not a D1 athlete in your mind?

• 36:13Will Arnett?

  Well, you don't have your, a name on a building is what I'm saying, like...

• 36:18Speaker 03

  That's true.

• 36:19Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 36:19Speaker 03

  Not even on my own ferry.

• 36:22Jason Bateman?

  So, go ahead, Will.

• 36:24Will Arnett?

  No, no, I was gonna say, you go take it over to Harvard.

• 36:26Jason Bateman?

  No, no, no, I was just gonna say, you know, you got involved with Lampoon, right?

• 36:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 36:32Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, and then you wrote 80 pieces before you got one accepted. What's so funny?

• 36:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, trying out for it.

• 36:40Jason Bateman?

  Tell me.

• 36:41Will Arnett?

  There was a time, Colin, five years ago, where Sean got nominated for best interviewer.

• 36:46Jason Bateman?

  Interviewer on, in, in any podcast, anywhere. You think the follow-up from Kat would be... He's the best.

• 36:54Will Arnett?

  The follow-up for him and his questions has been...

• 36:57Jason Bateman?

  And since that nomination, he's gotten tight and he can't spit it out.

• 37:02Speaker 03

  No.

• 37:03Jason Bateman?

  No, you be quiet.

• 37:07Speaker 03

  No, because I wrote down a bunch of stuff that I actually want to know.

• 37:10Jason Bateman?

  Girl, you get, give him your best one. Take some time, find the best one in there and you give it to him.

• 37:17Will Arnett?

  Well, 80 sketches, none of them picked up, right?

• 37:23Jason Bateman?

  I would stop at two.

• 37:24Speaker 03

  80 failures.

• 37:26Jason Bateman?

  But I would stop at two, like, you really wanted to be a...

• 37:28Will Arnett?

  How did you get involved in Lampoon?

• 37:30Jason Bateman?

  Oh, that's so much better.

• 37:31Speaker 03

  I didn't know about it. Did you guys have any awareness, like, had you ever heard of it? I mean, I had heard of the National Lampoon.

• 37:40Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, I mean, but I didn't know what it meant.

• 37:41Will Arnett?

  I didn't understand what it was until I started knowing some of those SNL guys who'd come out of it, right?

• 37:47Jason Bateman?

  So for Tracy, it is, it is literally a magazine, um, uh, there at the, at the school?

• 37:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's just a magazine that has been there. It's actually the 150th anniversary is coming up in like a week. So we're going back like, but like Conan and a bunch of people are all going to go back and for this thing, which, um, it, but it just was like a student magazine and, and then.

• 38:13Jason Bateman?

  Like a precursor to like, kind of like something like The Onion or even like Mad Magazine, right?

• 38:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, and they started, people from there started like Spy Magazine back in the day, which I never, I, but that was, and, and they started, they did like Lampoon magazines and yearbooks and stuff and then.

• 38:30Will Arnett?

  Spy Magazine was, I, I remember it in New, in New York in the nineties. Spy Magazine was phenomenal.

• 38:35Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, I loved it.

• 38:36Will Arnett?

  It was so good. And, and, and there were so many people, you mentioned Conan, so many incredible comedy minds, sort of big, sort of icons of comedy, you included, have come out of the Lampoon.

• 38:48Speaker 03

  A lot of people, a lot of, it was like back in the day, it was a lot of writers, like literary writers, you know, like John Updike and George Plimpton and George Santayana and all these like people. And, and also business, like William Randolph Hearst was a member. There's a business board. So he, a lot of, he helped fund the building that's there, like this Lampoon Castle. And he and Isabella Stewart Gardner, who has the museum, who had the museum in Boston. She collected a lot of stuff that went to that museum on the same trip with him. And he, a lot of the stuff he got went to the Lampoon, which is pretty cool.

• 39:22Jason Bateman?

  And it's a bit of a feeder for SNL too, isn't it?

• 39:24Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 39:25Speaker 03

  It, yeah, so like around the seventies, eighties, a lot of it was this guy Jim Downey, who you, I'm sure you guys have met through these, but he, he went to SNL in the, he was a writer the first year at SNL, of, of SNL and. And then after that, people kind of saw that you could write in comedy instead of necessarily only writing novels and and then people started getting into it there. But I didn't so I didn't know have any awareness of it when I went like I went to school for economics weirdly and I didn't have any idea that there was like a humor magazine or anything like that. And I'd always done comedy things, but you didn't know it was really a job. You just did it with your friends.

• 40:05Will Arnett?

  It wasn't a destination for you to get into comedy necessarily?

• 40:08Speaker 03

  It just didn't yeah, I didn't know you could really like it didn't seem like a real thing. And so that was the first place where I went and people just were really funny and I wanted to hang out there. And then I started learning that people would graduate and go apply and work at different shows.

• 40:23Will Arnett?

  And so did you just apply for SNL? How did that happen?

• 40:27Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, you just cold submitted. That's a packet.

• 40:29Speaker 03

  I actually submitted a packet.

• 40:31Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 40:31Speaker 03

  And then it was just the wrong time of year. I submitted it and so no one read it.

• 40:35Sean Hayes?

  No, no agent, no nothing. You just did it yourself. You mailed it in yourself.

• 40:39Speaker 03

  No, no agent, nothing. And and I submitted and no one looked at it because it was the wrong time of year. And then the next time, you know, it was like the next summer. And then I ran into someone who was who had been in The Lampoon, who was like, I heard it's you have to submit in the summer in like June or July, whatever the deadline was. And so I put together another packet and submitted it then. And I was, you know, I was just lucky. There was a ton of turnover. I wrote like six sketches.

• 41:09Sean Hayes?

  Okay.

• 41:09Speaker 03

  And there was a bunch of writers that left and then I I got like Tina was the one of the head writers, Harper Steele, and they liked some, you know, something that was in there and brought me in to interview. And then I interviewed with Lorne, which was insane. And and then just was very lucky that there was an extra spot. And I was probably the last person hired and I got hired with Samberg and Samberg and Sadekis and Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig. And then the Lonely Island guys, Yorma and Akiva and a guy, Brian Tucker, who came from SNL.

• 41:42Will Arnett?

  Yeah, Tucker and Sadekis was just hired as a writer first for that first year.

• 41:47Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, that was he just started he had just got hired into the cast when I started. So that was the eight of us that all that all started.

• 41:54Sean Hayes?

  And how old were you when you started?

• 41:56Speaker 03

  Twenty-two.

• 41:57Jason Bateman?

  And so, so, well, so you, so you go into school to study economics? Was it, was there ever a thought that, that there would be a career in economics? Or was it just, I gotta, gotta, I gotta declare a, a major and let's have it be this?

• 42:11Speaker 03

  I think it was a, I thought I could maybe work, I mean, I, I interned at like Merrill Lynch when I was in high school.

• 42:17Jason Bateman?

  Wow.

• 42:18Speaker 03

  I just thought that was, in Staten Island, like, there were certain, all my family was firefighters. Like, my whole mom, like, my, my mom was in the fire department, my grandpa, my great-grandpa. So that was like a clear path I knew. And then, in, from Staten Island, like, people would go take the ferry to Wall Street. There were people that worked in, in finance. And then, obviously, there was, I knew about being a doctor or being a lawyer. Like, those were the kind of jobs that I understood. And so, I sort of thought I would do something in that range. Like, I would do work in finance, or I would try to be a doctor someday, or try to be a lawyer.

• 42:50Jason Bateman?

  Uh huh. And then, so, so then, so then you start to get the kind of this, be in your bonnet for, for comedy. Did you, like, talk to me about the, the calculation you were making at, at, so you're sitting at Harvard, where you really, whatever field you decide to study and get your diploma in, get, get, get, get your, um, your degree in, you've got a pretty good sort of base salary to assume there. And so, like, picking what you're going to get your degree in is kind of, you're declaring what your life is going to be. And, and, and it's gonna be, gonna be pretty good. And so, you're thinking comedy, economics, or I can study this, that. At what point were you kind of like, all in? It's gonna be, I'm gonna go into comedy writing?

• 43:35Jason Bateman?

  Or did you, did you, did you mitigate that risk by, by minoring in something else? Like, just walk me through that.

• 43:42Speaker 03

  I, you know, my parents definitely were worried, you know, just, once I was, once I was going down a comedy path. I mean, when I was there, I switched. So I switched from economics to, when I declare, I declare I was gonna be in economics. But then, when you actually had to declare, I, I studied Russian literature. Like, I went-

• 44:02Jason Bateman?

  That's lucrative.

• 44:02Speaker 03

  I was reading a bunch of books in Ru, and, and so I was like, and then at some point, I had to learn Russian. I had to live in St. Petersburg for a summer. And I was going down that path, but, but not, I didn't-

• 44:14Jason Bateman?

  Let's pause there for one second.

• 44:15Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:15Jason Bateman?

  Why, why Russian literature? What, what was, what was super interesting?

• 44:18Will Arnett?

  Are you a Russian asset?

• 44:21Speaker 03

  I'm open to it, are they asking?

• 44:26Speaker 03

  I just liked the books, I just liked reading, I read in high school, I read some Nabokov and Tolstoy and Dostoevsky books in senior year, I liked them, so I wanted to read more. And then it just kept going down that line, like I didn't have a plan for it, I certainly wasn't assuming it was gonna be a career. Right.

• 44:47Jason Bateman?

  Can you speak Russian?

• 44:48Speaker 03

  I was, yeah, fluent in Russian. Wow, that's crazy.

• 44:52Jason Bateman?

  That's awesome, okay, alright, so then, yeah.

• 44:54Speaker 03

  So then, sorry, then I, I realized, I guess when I was at The Lampoon, that most of the things I did in my life leading up to that were kind of comedy versions of what I did. Like I ran the school newspaper, but I did the comedy, you know, wrote comedy for it, rather than like regular news. I was working at a newspaper, but I mostly wanted to write comedy there. I performed in plays and musicals, but I really only cared about the comedy part of it, not the serious part of it. I did speech and debate, but I only did funny, like oratories that I wrote that were kind of versions of comedy, or performed funny things and didn't do any, you know.

• 45:35Speaker 03

  So I just, I started realizing that that was probably where my interest was, even if I was doing it in these other ways, and that there's, there's not really a funny version of finance.

• 45:46Speaker 03

  Again, along with abatements, it's not, yeah. Unless you buy a Staten Island fair. Yes, then it is.

• 45:51Jason Bateman?

  There's certainly some more predictable financial security in the lane of economics as opposed to the world of comedy.

• 46:01Will Arnett?

  You're talking about it, you're talking about it like taking, making the bet on it and going all in.

• 46:06Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 46:07Speaker 03

  Yeah, I did, I just did, I didn't have another plan, and I didn't, I honestly don't know that I could have imagined then going to law school, or after that, I think I just decided that whatever version of it it was gonna end up being, I was gonna enjoy. Being around people that were funny and doing things that I tried, things that were funny.

• 46:28Jason Bateman?

  Regardless of it.

• 46:29Speaker 03

  The lifestyle didn't necessarily matter.

• 46:31Jason Bateman?

  It's so great. I mean, I'm sorry, a reason I keep hammering you on this because, you know, I've got a daughter that's in her first year of college and even my youngest, the 14-year-old, she's, you know, they're both sort of like, you know, as kids do, wondering about, you know, am I doing the things that I should be doing to set myself up for the best possible, you know, life? Am I making the right decisions? And I keep saying, well, as long as you're pointed at something, a lot of opportunity comes your way. And so you're going to see some forks in the road that might not necessarily be, you know, the lane you're on right now. And that's, that's good. That's okay. But you're not going to find those forks unless you're driven in some direction on something. It doesn't matter what that is. And so I guess you're sort of a great example of that,

• 47:14Jason Bateman?

  that you're driving towards economics and you found comedy.

• 47:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, and for her too. Like, I mean, I think the peer element of it is so important to me. You know, you find people that are serious about something, even if it's comedy, and are really driven or are really, you know, and then you learn from them, you're competitive in a healthy way with them, you're, you know, you're hearing about opportunities from them eventually, you know, like when you're, when you're trying to do things. Or I think that's so important, too. And so that you have a, you're not doing it in a vacuum.

• 47:48Jason Bateman?

  Right. We'll be right back.

• 47:53Jason Bateman?

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• 48:34Sean Hayes?

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• 49:06Sean Hayes?

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• 50:46Sean Hayes?

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• 51:08Sean Hayes?

  All right, back to the show.

• 51:11Will Arnett?

  So you go to SNL that year that you mentioned with all those dudes. How long was it before you got the update chair?

• 51:20Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, did you go with the intention of wanting to do update? Or did you go or did it just happen?

• 51:25Speaker 03

  No, no, no, I wouldn't even, I wouldn't have conceived of that. I think I

• 51:29Will Arnett?

  You know, Colin, I called you in here because I think you're ready. What? Was it kind of like that?

• 51:38Speaker 03

  He did call me, yes, he, he, I didn't even know why he was calling me in. And he's like, so you think you could do update? Like asking me.

• 51:46Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 51:47Speaker 03

  And I was like,

• 51:48Sean Hayes?

  Meanwhile, you'd only been a writer on the show for a year or two or three?

• 51:52Speaker 03

  No, no, I'd been there for a long, so I, I mean, I'd been there for a long time. I was there, I was probably there eight years or something, seven or eight years.

• 51:59Will Arnett?

  That's what I was getting at, yeah.

• 52:00Speaker 03

  And because I

• 52:01Sean Hayes?

  Not on camera.

• 52:01Speaker 03

  So I got SNL, I would have been happy to have any job in comedy, right? Like I applied everywhere that had a job. I wrote a, I wrote a Arrested Development spec script when I, when I was going out.

• 52:15Sean Hayes?

  I feel like you told me this once.

• 52:16Speaker 03

  And maybe I did, maybe I did tell you that, yeah. And

• 52:20Sean Hayes?

  That sounds familiar. Oh my God, I want to read that.

• 52:21Will Arnett?

  What was Job's story? It doesn't, sorry, we'll get, it doesn't matter.

• 52:24Sean Hayes?

  Was Job A story or B story?

• 52:25Will Arnett?

  It doesn't matter, who cares?

• 52:27Sean Hayes?

  I'm sure he was in it.

• 52:29Speaker 03

  Yeah, Job, we're gonna have a real Job episode.

• 52:31Sean Hayes?

  So even though you were done.

• 52:32Speaker 03

  Maybe the one, can I tell you the one thing I remember about it? Which was now, which is that it was for

• 52:39Speaker 03

  For George Michael was self-conscious and wanted to lose weight. And so he tried, he tried joining a, what he saw was a recreation society. But it was a recreation society and he got cast as Ben Franklin. And so ended up gaining a bunch of weight.

• 52:59Speaker 03

  That's really funny.

• 53:00Will Arnett?

  That's a great bit.

• 53:02Speaker 03

  So dumb.

• 53:03Will Arnett?

  Oh my God, Mitch Hurley would have loved that. That's a great bit.

• 53:06Speaker 03

  So I wrote, I wrote applied all these places and I was very, you know, very lucky to get hired SNL. And I felt like then I just wanted to be good at that and figure it out and, and enjoy it. I loved, I loved. No on-camera aspirations. No, not, I mean, but I did, I had, I had performing aspirations. I just didn't think of it always as SNL related. Like I did stand-up. Right. So, so while that time, I'm doing stand-up in New York. So.

• 53:32Will Arnett?

  Oh, you are? Okay.

• 53:33Speaker 03

  Yeah, while I'm writing, I would go after, when there's nights that you could get out and I would go do stand-up like.

• 53:39Will Arnett?

  Like at The Cellar or whatever. Did you, did you ever, were there ever any summer, like end of seasons of SNL? Uh, and you can be as honest as you want to be, where, where you were like, you know what? Uh, I'm gonna move. I'm gonna leave. I want to do something else. Like, did you ever have one of those moments in those eight years before you got the Update chair?

• 53:58Speaker 03

  Yes. Um, not like not, because there was sort of a little bit of a, like, you know, I had a journey as a writer there where I got promoted to like a writing supervisor and then I got promoted to be head writer. And that was like a real honor that I loved the idea of getting to do that someday. So that was, that was really important to me and I, I felt excited about that. It was, I found it to be a really nightmarish job in a lot of ways because you're suddenly doing the same job you're doing, but you're also having to manage everyone you're working with. And I, that was a very weird period of time for me because it also coincided with getting Update. Like it almost exactly coincided. So.

• 54:39Will Arnett?

  No, oh really?

• 54:41Speaker 03

  Yeah, it was like maybe a year or half a year that I was a, a head writer and then got Update and. But I had my only, as I was there for a little longer, I did like performing. I did like doing stand-up. And honestly, I wanted to. Do some version of act, not necessarily acting like in a serious way, but be performing in some way, in a comedy way. Yeah. And I, I thought I've done this as a writer now. I thought maybe after a few years, if, if I, if being head writer, maybe there would just be something else I'd want to do, or create a show as a writer, or do something different. Yeah. And then got this opportunity to do, had to do Update. And then it was, it kind of went so badly at first, for a while, that I then thought

• 55:24Speaker 03

  I was gonna lose both jobs, that I was gonna be so bad at Update that I was also not gonna be a writer. Really, did it not start well? Why did it go bad? What do you mean? It just was, I mean, I think Seth was leave, Seth was leaving, he was, you know, very loved doing the job. Mm-hmm. We, you know, I came in, I started with Cecily Strong, we only, we did like six episodes together, that's it, at the end of the year. Yeah. And, you know, I, I think I just wasn't very good at it, it's very, it's a hard thing to come in and do, and I don't, I think I was like, really nervous, and I probably that, I probably smiled or laughed in a way that made people think I was kind of cocky about it, when I actually felt very much at, at sea and panicking, people were giving

• 56:06Speaker 03

  me all kinds of advice that was contradictory, and I didn't know how to do it, and then, and then basically in the summer, I got told, after those six episodes, I got told like, you might get to audition for it, and I was like, which seems like a bad jo, a sign to audition for the job you currently have. And, and then they, they tried me with different combinations of people also, so like, I did an audition with Leslie Jones, I did an audition with Vanessa Bayer, I did an audition with Chris Kelly, who's a really funny writer at our show. Yeah. Um, and I did an, and I auditioned with Che, who I knew from stand-up, from before he came to SNL as a writer, and, you know, I loved the idea of getting to do with him

• 56:50Speaker 03

  because he's really funny, but I had no idea what, you know, what they were gonna go with. And they also brought in Anthony Jeselnik, just to audition on his own, like, just to go in a totally different direction, bring someone else in. No shit. And I'm sure he would have been very funny at it, um, and- And then they they did these auditions and then I didn't even know what was happening. And suddenly, so I was involved in all these processes of cast and hiring. And then suddenly, I was completely cut off, really from like all my friends for for periods of time, where everyone was probably nervous for me or and didn't know whether I should do the job genuinely. Like, not not that they were being bad friends, just probably were like, I don't know if he's right for it. And then they picked me and Shay.

• 57:34Speaker 03

  And then for like the first two years at least, we thought we were gonna get fired every summer. Like, we were we were put on suspension, kind of, or put on extension. And we didn't know whether we were gonna get it or not. And we we and then something sort of just started clicking. Really, just we gave Lauren was we were lucky that he gave us enough time to start figuring it out. And then and then it started feeling okay. And then it started feeling better and not like a huge existential crisis.

• 58:02Will Arnett?

  Well, you guys, you guys, yeah, you guys have such a great dynamic. You're so you so good at it.

• 58:08Sean Hayes?

  One of the funniest things I've ever seen was, and I couldn't believe I was watching it, and I can't believe it happened, which is Michael told the audience before you showed up to not laugh at one joke you said. And that was the joke. And I'm watching it going, oh, my God. Uh, this is horrible to watch. Like, did you, what what was going through your head?

• 58:32Speaker 03

  Oh, I was like, it's all over. It's all truly, cuz it was so perfect. It was so perfect because I changed a joke between dress and air early on. And it and so he had told he met, by the way, this is the most proactive Shay has ever been at about anything. He went and met with the audience before they loaded in. Like, looked them in the eyes and were like, listen, you're not laughing. I don't care. You do not laugh at every anything Colin says.

• 59:00Sean Hayes?

  This is while they're still downstairs?

• 59:01Speaker 03

  This is while I'm waiting. Yeah, they're they're still waiting downstairs to get loaded in. And he goes down, meets them, tells them this.

• 59:08Sean Hayes?

  So I remember watching it. I couldn't believe it.

• 59:11Speaker 03

  And and then, so I changed one joke early on between dress and air. And it so at air, it bombs. And in my head, I'm like, oh, I shouldn't have that. I shouldn't have taken that swing. But it's perfect because I don't I could still believe it's, you know. Then then then he goes and he crushes, great, he kills. He does two jokes, crushes. Then it comes back to me.

• 59:33Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 59:33Speaker 03

  And I tell the next one, which worked really well at dress, and it bombs. And I'm like, oh my god. Because at first I was like, oh, maybe it's a bad crowd. Then he crushes, so I'm like, oh no.

• 59:44Sean Hayes?

  Meanwhile, he keeps looking at you like, oh, boy.

• 59:47Speaker 03

  Yeah, just not leaning. And then the fourth joke bombs, and I'm truly thinking like, my, my career's over. Like, some things, I, I've, it's a turned, I'm never getting it back, it's over.

• 59:59Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 59:59Speaker 03

  And someone in, he had a plan in the audience that he had yell out, "You stink." After, so simple, so simple, so dumb.

• 1:00:10Will Arnett?

  Yeah, so good.

• 1:00:11Speaker 03

  John Higgins, and he just goes, "You stink." Like, old timey heckling.

• 1:00:16Sean Hayes?

  Not, "You suck."

• 1:00:17Will Arnett?

  "You bum, you're a bum."

• 1:00:19Speaker 03

  And I, and I heard that, and I was like, in full, you can tell if you look at, in shock. And then Shay's like, dude, I gotta tell, I gotta tell you, I told him not to laugh at anything. And I was like, "You motherfucker."

• 1:00:32Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, it's so good.

• 1:00:33Speaker 03

  So angry. So angry.

• 1:00:35Sean Hayes?

  Is this live, is this on, is this on an episode?

• 1:00:37Speaker 03

  Yes, live.

• 1:00:38Will Arnett?

  What a great bit.

• 1:00:39Sean Hayes?

  You can YouTube it, you can YouTube it.

• 1:00:40Speaker 03

  It is so horrifying. Now you know, and you'll look at, you'll be, you know, and it's.

• 1:00:45Sean Hayes?

  Your face.

• 1:00:46Speaker 03

  I was genuinely traumatized for like, two more shows.

• 1:00:49Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:50Speaker 03

  Because then the next show back, I didn't know what to, I didn't know what was coming.

• 1:00:54Sean Hayes?

  Did you immediately start thinking about payback? Are you, are you, are you a prankster?

• 1:00:58Speaker 03

  Of course.

• 1:00:59Will Arnett?

  By the way, did Shay run it by Lorne? No, he just did, and he went rogue.

• 1:01:02Speaker 03

  He did, and I think basically Lorne talked him into eventually telling me versus never telling me.

• 1:01:10Will Arnett?

  Right, right, right, right.

• 1:01:11Speaker 03

  And, and, which was, which made it much better, actually, that he did tell me, and otherwise would have been perhaps.

• 1:01:17Will Arnett?

  No, it's better to get your reaction on camera and see it dawn on you. I mean, that's, but it's amazing.

• 1:01:23Sean Hayes?

  And then, and now, what I love, Colin, is you're appearing more and more as Pete Hegseth, which is so brilliant. It's so good.

• 1:01:30Speaker 03

  It's such a gift.

• 1:01:31Sean Hayes?

  But does any part of you get nervous about, you know, doing that at all?

• 1:01:38Speaker 03

  Well, on a couple of levels. I mean, I first of all, I still, I get nervous even within in an SNL world because it's suddenly a new thing and a new rhythm. Like even though I've been there for so long, coming out in the cold open is its own weird feeling and after all these years, it's nerve wracking.

• 1:01:57Jason Bateman?

  You don't have to admit to this, but you've got to privately just be like so excited to go out there and show off a little bit because you're so goddamn good at what you do. Whether you're doing the update or doing Hagsap, I mean, it just, you gotta be, I'd love to see more, more doing your thing.

• 1:02:14Will Arnett?

  I think it's one of my, I think it's one of my favorite politician impressions.

• 1:02:19Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, yeah, it's really funny.

• 1:02:21Will Arnett?

  That I can remember in the long, and I'm not just saying that because you're here. It's so good. But, but there is also the added, because I mean, obviously he's the, he's the secretary of war. Um, and officially, right? That's, that's official that was passed by him. Yeah.

• 1:02:37Jason Bateman?

  It's the only country in the world where we call that department, the department of war as opposed to department of defense.

• 1:02:45Will Arnett?

  I think it's fun that we've now let, like, they're obviously letting school kids just name departments. Is that what's going on? They're just taking letters? Yeah, war.

• 1:02:53Speaker 03

  You can tell the generals are just like, oh, God.

• 1:02:56Will Arnett?

  Yeah. But, but is there, to Sean's question, like, is there an, is there another layer of trepidation as you've been, as much as you're comfortable telling us, has there been pushback in a weird way?

• 1:03:09Speaker 03

  I don't, I mean, I'm definitely like a little nervous about, I, I kind of just think it's not, it's such in the scheme of things, like, probably, I hope, barely on his radar. Like, it really does feel like there should be bigger, bigger issues.

• 1:03:24Jason Bateman?

  But there's so much satire on SNL politically, always has been. So like, how is this gonna make any big, huge wave? People are conditioned to look for satire politically on that show.

• 1:03:35Will Arnett?

  This guy could end up having a big night. He's got a couple of cocktails under his belt and he might start, he might start calling you.

• 1:03:41Speaker 03

  There should be some vindictiveness.

• 1:03:43Jason Bateman?

  Guess what? I'll bet he loves it. I'll bet he loves it.

• 1:03:46Speaker 03

  The first time I did it, my brother, I have a younger brother, my brother, my younger brother was like, "It's just so great that America finally gets to see the real you."

• 1:03:56Jason Bateman?

  Well, that's what I was gonna ask was like, so like, you know, what, would you like to do more? I would love to see you do more acting, whether it be on SNL or not. Is it, was there, do you think you'd ever carve out some time to do more of that?

• 1:04:11Speaker 03

  Well, you've got a movie coming up. I would love it. Yeah, this, I'm doing, I did this movie with Nate, with Nate Burgetti, who's, who I love. Called The Breadwinner. Breadwinner that's coming out, May 29th. Yay. Is what I'm told. And I have, I think I have a fun part, like Nate's basically forced to be a stay-at-home dad because his wife goes on Shark Tank and hits, like, gets a lot of traction. And the sharks, the Shark Tank scene is so funny and it's really, it's so, so funny. And the sharks basically make Nate agree to be a stay-at-home dad, so his wife, on camera. And I'm the only other stay-at-home dad in the neighborhood and I'm really, I'm really scared he's taking over my territory.

• 1:04:52Speaker 03

  And he's like a really funny dad that comes in. And it's, it was so, and I was, I loved the script and he sent it to, you know, I was, people, I never think people really think of me for things, so I was very grateful they, that they thought of me for it. And it was really fun to do. And I gotta say, getting to perform not live is even more liberating. Because you can just take swings and, you know, it's, I never get a second chance at things. It's so liberating.

• 1:05:19Jason Bateman?

  If you could, if you could, if you could wiggle your nose and have full success come as a writer or as an actor, let's say in the next five or 10 years, like, let's say, go the route of like, you know, let's say Will Ferrell, or go the route of like Mike Schur. It's tough, right?

• 1:05:39Speaker 03

  Uh, very, yeah, good options. I mean, I would, I would really love to do, to get to perform in something outside, you know, a thing that's my own voice and, and, and get to create, I mean, you know it well, like it's, you know, it's... That would be really satisfying. I think that would be really, really fun.

• 1:05:58Jason Bateman?

  In the same project?

• 1:05:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, maybe. Or, I mean, I don't need to be, I don't need to be, I would rather be, get to perform.

• 1:06:05Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:06Speaker 03

  But I would like, I would obviously be involved in some way. I don't think I would not be able to. But I would, I would like to figure out an idea, maybe ideally both, where it's a world that's my own, in my, from my own mind, too. I would love that.

• 1:06:19Jason Bateman?

  And to think we almost lost you to Bear Stearns or something like that.

• 1:06:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:06:25Speaker 03

  You'd be doing so much better. I could be long retired, really.

• 1:06:28Will Arnett?

  Exactly.

• 1:06:29Speaker 03

  But what about, you also-

• 1:06:30Will Arnett?

  If you got a Bear Stearns, it would have been a disaster.

• 1:06:32Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, that was, yeah, that's not the one to go to.

• 1:06:34Jason Bateman?

  You could have become Dandies, you know?

• 1:06:36Will Arnett?

  Oh, the great Dandies.

• 1:06:38Jason Bateman?

  He's the great Dandies.

• 1:06:39Speaker 03

  He's the best. Colin, you also do Pop Culture Jeopardy, which is fantastic.

• 1:06:44Jason Bateman?

  Wait, is that the one that's on Netflix?

• 1:06:47Speaker 03

  Yes. Yeah.

• 1:06:48Jason Bateman?

  Okay.

• 1:06:48Speaker 03

  That's coming out on Netflix on May 11th. Season two, right? Yeah, season two, yeah. It's, it's, it's really fun. Like, I cannot believe the level of knowledge that, that these teams have about pop culture. It's very, it's really scary and fun. Well, I have, this is, I have a surprise for these guys, which is a clip, if Bennett can play it or Rob can play it.

• 1:07:08Jason Bateman?

  Really? I don't think we've ever run a clip before. This is outstanding.

• 1:07:11Will Arnett?

  Let's go to the clip. Oh, my god.

• 1:07:14Speaker 03

  In the category of So Help Me Pod, the Smartless Podcast is hosted by this trio of funny guys. Anna Marie.

• 1:07:24Speaker 04

  Who is Sean Hayes?

• 1:07:25Speaker 03

  That is one. Alex?

• 1:07:28Speaker 04

  Who is Eric McCormack?

• 1:07:29Jason Bateman?

  Oh, Jesus Christ.

• 1:07:31Speaker 03

  Steve? Who is Will Arnett? That is the second, and Ashley.

• 1:07:35Sean Hayes?

  Who's Fred Armisen?

• 1:07:37Speaker 03

  That is a person, but no.

• 1:07:40Speaker 03

  Justin? Who is Hayes? I'm sorry. This is hurtful. The one we were missing, Jason Bateman. But the other two are gonna be very happy to throw it in Jason's face. Got it.

• 1:07:51Jason Bateman?

  It's gonna hurt in the renegotiations, but thanks for running the clip.

• 1:07:55Will Arnett?

  So, let's go for the actions. Let's go around the horn. We'll start with you, Jason.

• 1:08:01Jason Bateman?

  I thought that was so great.

• 1:08:03Will Arnett?

  Hey, you know what? That Jason Abatement's starting to look pretty good, huh?

• 1:08:07Jason Bateman?

  Nice.

• 1:08:08Speaker 03

  Bold doesn't sound so bad.

• 1:08:10Jason Bateman?

  No. So this was not Tournament of Champions, I guess. You know, these weren't the world beaters.

• 1:08:15Speaker 03

  No, these were the most knowledgeable.

• 1:08:17Jason Bateman?

  Come on.

• 1:08:18Will Arnett?

  Wow.

• 1:08:18Speaker 03

  This is the, I think that was the only answer wrong in that, in that hole of game.

• 1:08:23Will Arnett?

  Jesus, that cuts deep.

• 1:08:24Speaker 03

  Which you never see.

• 1:08:25Jason Bateman?

  Uh, no, this will trim out. The point is, but the point is, breadwinner, celebrity, SNL, like, all of it. You have so much going on, and you have kids, and you have Scarlett, and you have, like, just a whole, I mean, it's, you have a ton of stuff going on.

• 1:08:36Will Arnett?

  Yeah, yeah, you're really, you're kicking, you're kicking in, into high gear right now, and it's fun to watch, man. It's really fun to watch. It's fun to watch. I love watching SNL.

• 1:08:43Jason Bateman?

  And he knows how to swing a golf club on top of it all.

• 1:08:44Will Arnett?

  I know. We keep, we've threatened to play. We gotta, let's do it.

• 1:08:47Speaker 03

  We gotta, well, you'll, maybe this summer you'll be out a little bit and we'll do it.

• 1:08:50Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:51Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:51Will Arnett?

  This summer. We're gonna be on Long Island. JB, come on out.

• 1:08:53Speaker 03

  Do you guys do, do you ever do, go to do the Tahoe event or anything like that, or are you like?

• 1:08:56Jason Bateman?

  No, I'm not into the fucking rock and roll with the boats on the fairway and, fuck, what?

• 1:09:03Will Arnett?

  Well, now he's never going, but, uh.

• 1:09:08Jason Bateman?

  What's, what's happening? Unplug the speakers and let's play some.

• 1:09:12Speaker 03

  People in Tahoe.

• 1:09:14Jason Bateman?

  I just, I don't understand how it's just.

• 1:09:18Will Arnett?

  We did, we've done, we've done a couple of them before. We did, uh, we did Pebble Beach back, uh, back in the day.

• 1:09:23Jason Bateman?

  Now, that's a tournament.

• 1:09:24Speaker 03

  That must have been fun, right?

• 1:09:25Will Arnett?

  We did that, and we did, we've done, uh, Genesis a few times and, and, uh.

• 1:09:29Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, cause, you know, that's fun.

• 1:09:30Will Arnett?

  Yeah, SNL, but, uh, start our own golf tournament, uh, you guys.

• 1:09:34Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, let's do that, you know?

• 1:09:35Will Arnett?

  What are you saying, Colin? Should we start a golf tournament?

• 1:09:37Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, we'll play nines.

• 1:09:38Will Arnett?

  Out on Long Island?

• 1:09:39Jason Bateman?

  You know?

• 1:09:39Speaker 03

  I'm in.

• 1:09:40Jason Bateman?

  Keep it real?

• 1:09:41Speaker 03

  I'm in.

• 1:09:41Will Arnett?

  We've taken up so much of your time, Colin. Jost, my God, we could talk forever to this guy. This is unbelievable.

• 1:09:47Speaker 03

  Yeah. I can stay. I've, I have a ton of, like, a lot of time.

• 1:09:50Jason Bateman?

  Oh, oh, let's do it.

• 1:09:52Speaker 03

  So I have no problem. Don't even feel like you gotta wrap it up.

• 1:09:54Will Arnett?

  I gotta go. I'm going to have dinner with Tommy Hilfiger, uh, right now. That's a, that's a true story.

• 1:09:58Speaker 03

  Well, talk to him. He did, and Tommy Hilfiger did an event on our Staten Island ferry. I got to hang out with him there.

• 1:10:04Will Arnett?

  I'm gonna talk to him right now. I'm, what I'm gonna say is, we drag it out to Sag Harbor for the summer.

• 1:10:09Jason Bateman?

  Oh.

• 1:10:10Will Arnett?

  Right? Let's start talking about that.

• 1:10:12Speaker 03

  That's what every neighbor wants to look up and see an orange, a large orange vessel.

• 1:10:16Will Arnett?

  All those billionaires, they're not gonna be mad at that.

• 1:10:18Speaker 03

  No, they love it.

• 1:10:19Jason Bateman?

  It's fun. It's kitschy.

• 1:10:22Sean Hayes?

  Colin, thank you for being here. Your pleasure.

• 1:10:25Speaker 03

  Thank you for bringing me in, Sean.

• 1:10:26Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:27Jason Bateman?

  Sean, I'm sorry that we were abusive towards you and your question.

• 1:10:30Sean Hayes?

  Oh, please.

• 1:10:31Jason Bateman?

  Did you get to, did you, were you able to ask our guests the things you wanted to ask?

• 1:10:35Sean Hayes?

  There's some other thing, there's many other things, but that's okay. We'll get it next time.

• 1:10:39Jason Bateman?

  I'm sorry, Sean.

• 1:10:40Sean Hayes?

  That's all right.

• 1:10:41Jason Bateman?

  Will brings out the worst in me.

• 1:10:43Will Arnett?

  Wes, I mean, sorry.

• 1:10:45Jason Bateman?

  It's Will's fault.

• 1:10:47Will Arnett?

  Okay.

• 1:10:47Sean Hayes?

  Well, get back to work, Colin. I know you have a lot of work there with it, especially cleaning up that asbestos above your head.

• 1:10:52Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:53Sean Hayes?

  Because I can still see it. That's amazing.

• 1:10:55Speaker 03

  I'll let you know what I find.

• 1:10:57Jason Bateman?

  Thank you, my friend.

• 1:10:58Speaker 03

  Thank you guys very much. And I would love to play this summer if you guys want to play anytime.

• 1:11:01Will Arnett?

  I'm gonna hit you up. We're gonna finally do it.

• 1:11:03Jason Bateman?

  Yes, please.

• 1:11:03Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:11:04Will Arnett?

  We're gonna finally do it.

• 1:11:05Speaker 03

  Bye, guys.

• 1:11:06Jason Bateman?

  Bye, buddy.

• 1:11:06Will Arnett?

  Bye, Colin Jost.

• 1:11:07Sean Hayes?

  Good to see you.

• 1:11:08Speaker 03

  Waving. I'm waving like that's gonna register.

• 1:11:11Will Arnett?

  It's registered.

• 1:11:11Speaker 03

  Audio.

• 1:11:12Jason Bateman?

  Audio wave, audio wave, audio wave.

• 1:11:14Will Arnett?

  Thanks, dude.

• 1:11:17Will Arnett?

  Sean, what a great guest.

• 1:11:18Sean Hayes?

  What a lovely man and a funny, funny talent.

• 1:11:21Will Arnett?

  I really like Colin. He's such a funny guy.

• 1:11:24Jason Bateman?

  I really, every, he's, every time I'm with him, he's just like, easy.

• 1:11:30Sean Hayes?

  Well, but isn't it amazing? He's the longest, I don't know if you heard in the intro, the longest, what am I saying? Of Weekend Update, the guy who's been there the longest of anybody.

• 1:11:41Jason Bateman?

  Longest tenured?

• 1:11:42Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, a host or something.

• 1:11:44Will Arnett?

  Did you not sleep last night? What happened?

• 1:11:48Sean Hayes?

  I'm still catching up.

• 1:11:49Jason Bateman?

  Is your CPAP hose clogged? Just purge your hose.

• 1:11:54Sean Hayes?

  Isn't that wild, though, to just be, to know, like, he just submitted to SNL?

• 1:11:59Will Arnett?

  He's so good, MJ too, and Michael, whom I don't know.

• 1:12:01Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, Michael J is hilarious.

• 1:12:03Will Arnett?

  Hilarious. Those guys are so funny.

• 1:12:04Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:05Jason Bateman?

  Wait, what was the joke somebody reminded me of that they did this last weekend?

• 1:12:11Jason Bateman?

  They played like a clip of Trump saying, you know, "Look, we're holding all the cards." And then, and then they come back to Colin, he's like, "They're literally holding a straight."

• 1:12:21Sean Hayes?

  Yes, I saw that, yeah. Yeah, I thought that's funny.

• 1:12:24Jason Bateman?

  It was a pun. It was a pun. It's a pun, you know?

• 1:12:27Sean Hayes?

  Guys, there's, you know, there's a lot of purchases we've all made in our life.

• 1:12:31Jason Bateman?

  Okay.

• 1:12:32Sean Hayes?

  You know? What started out as this...

• 1:12:35Jason Bateman?

  Good buys and some are bad buys?

• 1:12:38Sean Hayes?

  Bye.

• 1:12:39Jason Bateman?

  Okay, so okay, but you're gonna back into it.

• 1:12:41Sean Hayes?

  No, you finish it.

• 1:12:42Jason Bateman?

  Well, why don't you give it a little bit of a head? Like, talk about the ferry.

• 1:12:47Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:47Jason Bateman?

  And then in the middle, talk about sometimes there's good.

• 1:12:51Sean Hayes?

  Yeah. I mean, yeah, the Staten Island. What an interesting thing to learn about that he drew him to buy that Staten Island ferry when he was a kid.

• 1:12:59Jason Bateman?

  You've already spent, you spent it right there. You can't say bye until the end, so.

• 1:13:02Sean Hayes?

  Okay, purchase. Okay. It was an interesting thing that he purchased that Staten Island ferry with Pete Davidson because it, you know, because he took it when he was a kid to go to school.

• 1:13:10Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:10Sean Hayes?

  So, you know, we've all kind of made interesting purchases. Some are, some are good, some are bad, but that started out as a seemingly bad purchase, but in the end it was a good.

• 1:13:23Jason Bateman?

  I know what he's gonna say.

• 1:13:24Sean Hayes?

  Bye.

• 1:13:26Will Arnett?

  I like this goodbye.

• 1:13:27Sean Hayes?

  That's really long.

• 1:13:30Will Arnett?

  I gotta take a leak so fucking bad.

• 1:13:31Jason Bateman?

  Okay, love you thinking me when you hold it.

• 1:13:34Will Arnett?

  Smartless.

• 1:13:40Will Arnett?

  Smartless.

• 1:13:45Will Arnett?

  Smartless is 100% organic and artisanally handcrafted by Michael Grant Terry, Rob Armjarv, and Bennett Barbaco.

• 1:13:58Will Arnett?

  Smartless.

• 1:14:03Jason Bateman?

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• 1:14:41Speaker 04

  Everyone knows those red Target bags, but what's inside? That's a different story for everybody. Maybe it's something new you didn't know you needed, something that makes life a little easier, or turns an ordinary Tuesday into something to look forward to. Because a Target bag isn't just full of things. It's full of what you need, what you love, and even what you'll love next. This fall, all that's new and uniquely you. It's in the bag. Only at Target.