"Stephen Colbert"

Walk the Wok and let’s celebrate: it’s future MMA fighter Stephen Colbert. The blackout days, beepers & lovely melon, plus shirts v. skins on Mt. Everest. “A little knowledge is a dangerous thing,” …on the 300th correct-isode of SmartLess.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Sean Hayes?

  This episode of Smartless is sponsored by Google Book. So this may not surprise you, I have a lot of thoughts in my head. And my dream is to just blurt them out and somehow get them down on paper, because my brain works way faster than my hands. That's where Google Book comes in. It's a whole new kind of laptop. No more typing, you just talk, and the Rambler feature cleans up your ums and uhs and all the times you change your mind. Basically, it turns messy thoughts into tidy text. Visit googlebook.com for details. Available in select countries and languages to 18-plus users. Check the responses for accuracy.

• 0:43Jason Bateman?

  Did you ever notice the best deals are just obvious? Like hotels.com. What do they do, you may ask? Hotels on the internet. And a lot of them, like hundreds of thousands. I don't know why I just turned into Sean Hayes. Plus, if you join for free, you can save up to 20% instantly with member prices. And you earn rewards every time you book. So, your next trip basically starts paying for itself. It's simple, and you get more out of every stay. Sign up for free and book today. Hotels.com, it's all in the name.

• 1:23Sean Hayes?

  The place you call home is important to you. So, it's important to Allstate. Because home is where you make all your memories. Things like inviting your friends over for game night and discovering that one of them takes charades way, way too seriously. It's these memories that make a house feel like home. If it's important to you, it's important to Allstate. Switch to Allstate, and you could save hundreds on home insurance today. Not available in every state. Potential savings vary, subject to terms and qualifications. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 1:59Sean Hayes?

  Sitting in traffic, huh? Watching an old lady with a walker make it further up the road than you have in the last 15 minutes? And of course, your gas tank is in the perfect spot between not a problem to stranded on the highway. Hit your booking point? Book with Southwest and enter airplane mode. Experience award-winning reliability, fly with the best crew in the sky, and never worry about change or cancellation fees. Now tell that old lady to slow down. Kids live around here. Southwest Airlines, enter airplane mode.

• 2:39Jason Bateman?

  Hey Sean, my name's Jason. You know what I love 300 of?

• 2:43Sean Hayes?

  What?

• 2:44Jason Bateman?

  Almonds, summer salads, tighty-whities, matcha lattes. What about you? You like 300 of anything?

• 2:51Sean Hayes?

  My name is Sean Hayes and I like 300 glasses of milk. I also like 300 pounds of spaghetti. And I also like 300 pound men.

• 3:27Will Arnett?

  Welcome to the 300th episode of Smartless.

• 3:39Jason Bateman?

  Hey, listen, let's have a lot of love today. Cause why? You wanna know what? It's someone's birthday today.

• 3:44Sean Hayes?

  Whose birthday?

• 3:46Jason Bateman?

  A little, a little pod creature.

• 3:49Sean Hayes?

  Called?

• 3:50Jason Bateman?

  Called Smartless.

• 3:52Sean Hayes?

  How old is it?

• 3:53Jason Bateman?

  Isn't today, um, isn't she 300 years old?

• 3:56Will Arnett?

  300 episodes old.

• 3:57Jason Bateman?

  300 episodes old?

• 3:59Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 4:00Jason Bateman?

  Oh, she looks so good.

• 4:01Will Arnett?

  I know. I mean.

• 4:04Jason Bateman?

  She's still getting around.

• 4:05Will Arnett?

  I think that our guest was clapping, that's pretty. That's nice.

• 4:12Will Arnett?

  Okay. Okay, well then now it feels like that's about the guest.

• 4:17Jason Bateman?

  Um, but yeah, does it feel like 300, you guys?

• 4:21Sean Hayes?

  No.

• 4:21Jason Bateman?

  That's 300 weeks, which is, uh, how many years?

• 4:25Will Arnett?

  Um, 300 weeks is, uh, six years. Yeah, just, but it's, yeah, it's coming up in six years. That's insane.

• 4:34Sean Hayes?

  300 divided by.

• 4:36Jason Bateman?

  Well, thank you. Thank you should go out to those who are, uh, giving us some ear time. Um, thank you very much for listening to us.

• 4:43Will Arnett?

  It seems unlikely.

• 4:44Jason Bateman?

  Trying to figure out.

• 4:45Will Arnett?

  It seems very unlikely that you would continue to listen to us at all in the first place.

• 4:49Sean Hayes?

  I know.

• 4:50Jason Bateman?

  I guess a thank you would go out to the, to the guests as well then, because that, that is the reason. Uh, we're not being falsely modest here. We do this, uh, this little drivel, uh, for a few minutes and then we get into the real, the real draw, which is the, which is the guests. Well, and we thank them for coming.

• 5:06Sean Hayes?

  And we also thank Bennett, Rob and Michael for helping us get here.

• 5:09Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 5:10Will Arnett?

  Yeah, I just, it's a really robust audience.

• 5:14Jason Bateman?

  What an audience.

• 5:16Sean Hayes?

  It's incredible.

• 5:19Will Arnett?

  Yeah, we should give, you're right.

• 5:20Jason Bateman?

  We don't do this alone.

• 5:21Will Arnett?

  Yeah, Bennett Barbercaw and, and Rob Armiarv and Michael Grant Terry.

• 5:26Jason Bateman?

  Armiarv.

• 5:27Will Arnett?

  Um, are so, are such integral and important pieces to this whole thing and part of our team. We're all in the team together. Oh, they are. We know that.

• 5:37Jason Bateman?

  They are. They are. They're the feathers in the wind between the nectar wings.

• 5:41Will Arnett?

  We, uh, we love you guys. Uh, we love you guys a lot and you guys do an awesome job.

• 5:45Jason Bateman?

  We love you.

• 5:45Will Arnett?

  And, um, I don't know if people under, out there understand what an awesome job you guys do. It's really pretty remarkable. So thank you.

• 5:52Jason Bateman?

  Yes, thanks guys, you guys. You would have turned this off years ago were it not for their work.

• 5:57Will Arnett?

  Yeah. Yeah, you're right. And, uh, and I want to, who else do we want to thank? Um.

• 6:04Jason Bateman?

  What about your parents? Thank your parents.

• 6:06Will Arnett?

  Thank your parents.

• 6:07Jason Bateman?

  Thank your team.

• 6:08Will Arnett?

  Thank my team.

• 6:09Jason Bateman?

  Thank your team, Will.

• 6:11Will Arnett?

  Obviously, I always want to thank, at every opportunity, want to thank CAA for everything.

• 6:17Sean Hayes?

  You know, I...

• 6:18Will Arnett?

  Scotty, who does, Scotty's done a lot.

• 6:20Sean Hayes?

  Scotty, thanks Scotty.

• 6:21Will Arnett?

  Scotty's done a lot right from the get-go. He helped us a lot, getting us going on social media and doing videos and stuff.

• 6:27Sean Hayes?

  In the beginning?

• 6:27Will Arnett?

  Yup. Jason's wife for fucking keeping him in line.

• 6:32Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, getting us, getting us in front of the microphone.

• 6:35Sean Hayes?

  That's like a lion, she's like a lion tamer.

• 6:36Jason Bateman?

  She is.

• 6:37Will Arnett?

  So, Sean, you go ahead, you have something you want to say?

• 6:39Sean Hayes?

  I'd be remiss if we didn't bring something up that's very, very exciting.

• 6:43Jason Bateman?

  We've got, we've got, we've got a bowl full of good news.

• 6:45Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, ooh, that's good. We're gonna try this, we're gonna try this again, guys.

• 6:50Jason Bateman?

  We'll try it again, yeah.

• 6:51Sean Hayes?

  This is big.

• 6:52Jason Bateman?

  It's a break in the clouds.

• 6:53Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, we're bringing Smartless, we're bringing Smartless to one of the most iconic spots in the world, the Hollywood Bowl, remember when we tried that last year?

• 7:01Jason Bateman?

  I knew, I knew. It got rained out.

• 7:03Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, this fall.

• 7:04Jason Bateman?

  This time, yeah.

• 7:05Will Arnett?

  Yeah, what's the date on that?

• 7:06Sean Hayes?

  It is Saturday, October 17th. This is a true story, we're really doing it, Saturday, October 17th. Tickets go on sale Friday, April 10th, at 10 a.m. at smartlist.com/live.

• 7:20Will Arnett?

  10 a.m. Pacific, 10 a.m. Pacific.

• 7:22Sean Hayes?

  10 a.m. Pacific, sorry.

• 7:22Jason Bateman?

  And, and, and guess what else? Our listeners have a chance to get tickets first. Our pre-sale begins Wednesday, April 8th, at 10 a.m. Pacific. Visit smartlist.com/live and enter our code, you guessed it, Tracy, with an E.

• 7:38Sean Hayes?

  Yup, T-R-A-C-Y.

• 7:39Jason Bateman?

  For first access.

• 7:41Will Arnett?

  And, and, and I will say this too, because a lot of people were bummed, and remember, there were so many people came up.

• 7:45Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, it was awful.

• 7:46Will Arnett?

  And so, so for those of you who had purchased tickets for last year's Rained Out show, be sure to check your emails, because we set up a special time for you to purchase tickets. That's what we do for the listeners. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we did a special thing.

• 8:00Sean Hayes?

  So you just get an email saying, hey, you can buy tickets?

• 8:03Will Arnett?

  Yeah, hey, hey.

• 8:03Sean Hayes?

  Wait, but did they get their money back for the, for the tickets they purchased last night?

• 8:07Will Arnett?

  They did, they got a refund, they got a, they got a refund. Now, but now they got an email saying, hey, you get to, you know, jump the line or whatever. It is, you know.

• 8:14Jason Bateman?

  Very nice. Alright, so that's October seventeenth at the Hollywood Bowl. If you don't live in Los Angeles, get on a bus, a train, a plane, a car, whatever you need to do. Just start walking, maybe now. Get out here. It's gonna be special.

• 8:27Will Arnett?

  I'm so glad that we're doing this again. I am really, really glad and a lot of people.

• 8:30Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, me too.

• 8:31Will Arnett?

  Anyway, listen, so much fun stuff, but you know what? We're wasting time. We're wasting his time. He's, and by the way, he has, does not have time to waste yet. He doesn't. He is someone.

• 8:41Jason Bateman?

  Doesn't have time to waste yet?

• 8:42Will Arnett?

  He's a friend. He's such a friend of the show. He's, he came on super early days.

• 8:48Jason Bateman?

  Is this a, this is a double return?

• 8:51Will Arnett?

  This is a return because he's a friend of the show because, because we love him so much. He is, once I start naming what he, all the stuff he's done, you're gonna know instantly. And even though our audience already knows, because they're listening. But I can just tell you some of his accomplishments and maybe you'll get it. He first soloed Everest at eighteen, oxygen-free, without a sherpa. He swam the English Channel in a hurricane. He's won nineteen Home and Garden Awards. He's Conan O'Brien's number one enemy and he won a Nobel Prize for farting. You guys, it's Stephen Colbert!

• 9:27Speaker 03

  Brilliant, brilliant. I like the techno, I like the technology I was asked to use to disguise myself.

• 9:35Will Arnett?

  I know.

• 9:36Jason Bateman?

  I was really excited there for a second that, that we were gonna have an Everest Summater on this.

• 9:40Speaker 03

  Yeah, I wanna correct that. I did not, uh, did not summit Everest without a sherpa.

• 9:45Will Arnett?

  Okay.

• 9:46Speaker 03

  It was without a shirt.

• 9:48Will Arnett?

  Without a shirt?

• 9:49Speaker 03

  We were going up, we were going up in teams and it was shirts versus skins.

• 9:56Will Arnett?

  You know.

• 9:56Speaker 03

  This was in middle school. This was in middle school. And the coach is just like, he didn't have enough pennies, so it was like shirts versus skins. Then we lost a lot of people on the South Call. A lot. We lost half the debate team on the South Call.

• 10:10Will Arnett?

  Never came back.

• 10:11Speaker 03

  They're still up there. They're still like, they're still. Forever young.

• 10:16Will Arnett?

  And it was refereed by Sir Edmund Hillary of all things, which is amazing.

• 10:21Jason Bateman?

  Wait, would you do that if you had an opportunity to at least go to base camp?

• 10:27Speaker 03

  I don't like heights.

• 10:28Jason Bateman?

  Let's go around.

• 10:28Speaker 03

  I don't like heights. I really don't.

• 10:30Sean Hayes?

  I would do it. I would do it.

• 10:31Jason Bateman?

  I would do it too.

• 10:32Sean Hayes?

  I kinda like the cold like that.

• 10:34Jason Bateman?

  No, I just, there's something about that mountain that just gets me all cray cray.

• 10:39Speaker 03

  Bullshit.

• 10:40Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, I swear to God.

• 10:41Speaker 03

  There's something about that mountain.

• 10:43Jason Bateman?

  There's something about that mountain.

• 10:44Speaker 03

  That is reaching for manhood. There's just something about that mountain. I'm a K2 man myself. Really?

• 10:52Speaker 03

  Now, I stop at Akangawa. Okay? I only do, I only do South American peaks. Really, you're a Everest. That's kinda basic. Isn't that kinda basic to be an Everest guy? Oh, the Beatles are great. I love Everest. I get my gas at Exxon. Fuck you. You're a poser. You're a fucking poser.

• 11:13Will Arnett?

  He lands it.

• 11:14Speaker 03

  You're a shirt. You're a shirt. You're on the shirt team.

• 11:16Will Arnett?

  He died on the thing. He, Bateman lands at fucking Kathmandu. He checks out the bus that picking him up and he is back on the plane.

• 11:26Jason Bateman?

  Right, right.

• 11:27Will Arnett?

  Back to Dubai to make his connection to LA.

• 11:31Jason Bateman?

  Soon as there's no wifi, I'm back on the bus.

• 11:32Speaker 03

  What's the thread count? What's the thread count at 26,000 feet?

• 11:35Jason Bateman?

  Way too low. Way too low.

• 11:37Sean Hayes?

  You know, when I was in middle school, Stephen, I used to hate shirts and skins. I used to get so self-conscious because I don't wanna take my shirt off.

• 11:45Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, I loved it.

• 11:46Sean Hayes?

  I wasn't in great shape.

• 11:47Jason Bateman?

  I loved it.

• 11:48Sean Hayes?

  No, you did. Of course you did.

• 11:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, I had nipples the size of pepperonis. It was not.

• 11:52Jason Bateman?

  Me too. Me too.

• 11:55Speaker 03

  They used to call me Shakeys.

• 12:00Sean Hayes?

  Shakeys Pizza, Los Angeles.

• 12:02Speaker 03

  And just as, they used to take napkins and get the grease off of them.

• 12:08Jason Bateman?

  You'd volunteer to ref? You'd say, "I'll just ref."

• 12:11Speaker 03

  I'm good. I'm good.

• 12:14Speaker 03

  What if I were the ghoul?

• 12:17Jason Bateman?

  Willie did some goalie time. Willie, Willie was a good goalie in hockey, right? There's no shirts and skins there.

• 12:24Speaker 03

  What time zone are you in, Will?

• 12:29Speaker 03

  Are you in New Zealand?

• 12:32Will Arnett?

  No, I'm in, I'm in Los Angeles. It's, it's early morning here. What time is it? It's 9:45, but I just, yeah. Do I look crazy?

• 12:40Speaker 03

  But Bateman, aren't you in Los Angeles too?

• 12:42Jason Bateman?

  I'm in, I'm in Los Angeles and you two are in the New York City?

• 12:45Speaker 03

  I'm in New York City.

• 12:46Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, I'm in New York.

• 12:47Will Arnett?

  I'm in a dark, I'm in a dark room, Stephen. I'm in my little, my little booth.

• 12:50Speaker 03

  Oh, I see.

• 12:51Jason Bateman?

  Stephen, what's going on?

• 12:54Jason Bateman?

  How, how much longer? Do you stay in New York City when you're done with the show?

• 13:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, until like the court order. I have to stay in the tri-state area.

• 13:05Will Arnett?

  So that's still pending.

• 13:06Speaker 03

  Just so, just so they lift the court order, I have to stay in the tri-state.

• 13:09Will Arnett?

  That's still, that's still in effect.

• 13:11Speaker 03

  I mean, we're appealing.

• 13:12Will Arnett?

  Sure.

• 13:14Jason Bateman?

  Would that get straightened out?

• 13:15Speaker 03

  It's whatever judge you get, it's whatever judge you get.

• 13:17Will Arnett?

  That has nothing to do. Of course, it's such a.

• 13:19Speaker 03

  It's who you know, man. It's who you know at, at child custody.

• 13:23Will Arnett?

  I can't believe at this stage of the game, you're still playing this courtroom politics. It's unbelievable.

• 13:30Speaker 03

  I, you know, I, I, yeah, I mean, I guess I'll stay in New York. I don't know.

• 13:35Jason Bateman?

  New York is home? New York's been home for how long?

• 13:37Speaker 03

  I got, let's see, my first New York gig was in 19, meow, meow, meow, 1990. Why did I leave Second City? Sorry for the boredom here.

• 13:51Jason Bateman?

  We'll tighten this up.

• 13:52Speaker 03

  94. 94.

• 13:54Jason Bateman?

  94 and that came.

• 13:56Speaker 03

  I came to New York to work for HBO Downtown Productions. I worked on a show called Eggs at 57. I do not recommend it. I do not think we knew what we were doing.

• 14:05Will Arnett?

  Wait, why would it? I remember that.

• 14:06Speaker 03

  It was a sketch show. It was the year that, it was, it was like, there was this one year where if you had any kind of sketch group, you got a show. It was us, it was the state, it was kids in the hall were still doing their thing. They were the end of their thing.

• 14:22Will Arnett?

  Wait, but who was in Exit 57 with you? I remember.

• 14:24Speaker 03

  Amy Sedaris, Paul D'Nello, Jody Lennon, and Mitch Rouse. It was the five of us. And then our director was a guy named Mick Napier. I don't know if you've known Mick.

• 14:34Will Arnett?

  No, but that's.

• 14:35Speaker 03

  Improv director. And it was the, it was the five of us. And I lived here. I'd just gotten married, of course, just got married and got a gig in New York. My wife stayed, Evy stayed and she's, I call her my wife, it's a pet name. And she stayed in Chicago. And I came and I lived in a seminary. I lived at the General Theological Seminary, the Episcopal Church. I lived in the dorms. My, I lived in a garret, like one of these garrets.

• 14:57Will Arnett?

  On 21st Street over there?

• 14:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, down there. I lived in that thing. It's really beautiful.

• 15:01Will Arnett?

  Beautiful, those grounds are insane.

• 15:03Speaker 03

  Yeah, there was, it started in 1827. It's where A Night Before Christmas takes place. Because Clement Clarke.

• 15:11Will Arnett?

  Jason.

• 15:13Sean Hayes?

  Sorry? What happened?

• 15:15Will Arnett?

  Jason, wait, quick, mention golf.

• 15:17Sean Hayes?

  Oh, fuck, we're recording.

• 15:17Will Arnett?

  Quick, mention golf, Stephen, mention golf.

• 15:19Speaker 03

  Oh, the, oh, the lawn out there is just, it is, is, is a Bentley bluegrass.

• 15:24Sean Hayes?

  It is chippable, very chippable.

• 15:26Speaker 03

  Anyway, I lived in there. My room had hot and hot running water.

• 15:32Speaker 03

  So that's, that was my first gig. So I came here in 94. But then I, I, when I moved back, I would go back between seasons until The Carvey Show, which was 90, shh, 96.

• 15:44Will Arnett?

  The Dana Carvey Show, we've mentioned before on this podcast, is the craziest

• 15:47Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 15:48Will Arnett?

  group of talent, of, of, maybe, of, maybe the greatest grouping.

• 15:52Sean Hayes?

  Wasn't Steve Carell on that too?

• 15:53Will Arnett?

  Go ahead.

• 15:54Speaker 03

  Carell and I were, Carell and I were office mates. Um, we'd been in Second City together and then, um, uh, yeah, it was me, Carell, uh, Dino Stamatopoulos, Mike Styanov, uh, Louis CK was head writer, Robert Smigel was the executive producer, of course, Dana Carvey, John Glazer, uh, Robert Carlock.

• 16:13Will Arnett?

  Yes.

• 16:13Speaker 03

  And, and Charlie, uh, Charlie Kaufman.

• 16:17Sean Hayes?

  Wow.

• 16:18Speaker 03

  Was this on NBC?

• 16:19Will Arnett?

  Dude.

• 16:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, and Heather Morgan, yeah.

• 16:21Will Arnett?

  Dude.

• 16:21Speaker 03

  This was on ABC at like 8:30 or something, after Home Improvement, whatever. After Home Improvement, it was a pure mismatch. You did not, they did not go together at all.

• 16:31Sean Hayes?

  Wait, I saw that clip of, of, of them promote, the promo. It was some documentary, it was a, it was a clip from documentary.

• 16:37Speaker 03

  It was called Too Funny to Fail, yeah.

• 16:39Sean Hayes?

  Too Funny Fail, and you made me laugh, sorry, because you were laughing so hard.

• 16:43Speaker 03

  I had never seen the promo. It was, yeah. It was a promo. It was in the Home Improvement. Like, his son has got cancer or something, and he says to his dad, like, you know, he goes like, "I don't want to die." And he hugs him, goes, "You're not gonna die." And then he goes, "And then, the Mug Root Pier Dana Carvey Show." And we was like, of course we were canceled. That's what we were, that's what we were backing into.

• 17:09Sean Hayes?

  That was one of the funniest clips. If you haven't seen it, go online.

• 17:13Jason Bateman?

  How long did it go?

• 17:14Speaker 03

  We made, it was a 13-episode commitment, 13-episode buyout. That's why I moved to New York, you know, security. And then we shot eight of them, and seven of them went to air. And the eighth one was pretty good, I gotta say.

• 17:28Jason Bateman?

  Well, how about, how about this? How about a return to, um,

• 17:32Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, what about that?

• 17:33Jason Bateman?

  Doing a sketch work, uh, at a minimum?

• 17:36Will Arnett?

  Are you gonna get back in the sketch game?

• 17:39Speaker 03

  Will you pay me minimum?

• 17:40Jason Bateman?

  Right.

• 17:41Speaker 03

  Will you scale?

• 17:43Jason Bateman?

  But what about like-

• 17:43Speaker 03

  Because I think that's pretty good for our industry right now.

• 17:45Jason Bateman?

  Well, look, look, look at what your office made, Steve Carell. And I guess the question is-

• 17:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think he's kind of a flash in the pan at this point. I don't think Carell's gonna pan out.

• 17:54Jason Bateman?

  There's an actor, there's an actor bug in you. And, and, and how about pursuing that?

• 18:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, but those guys-

• 18:02Jason Bateman?

  Come on.

• 18:02Speaker 03

  They have to memorize lines. And it has been 21 years that I've been, I've been latched to a prompter. And I don't know if I, I don't know if I have the old Sarah Bellum left to memorize.

• 18:13Will Arnett?

  No, it wouldn't take you long. It would not take you long.

• 18:16Speaker 03

  You guys, you guys are, you guys are all actors, right?

• 18:19Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, a little bit.

• 18:20Speaker 03

  I don't know a lot of your work, but you guys all act?

• 18:23Sean Hayes?

  We'll send you stuff.

• 18:24Will Arnett?

  Primarily, yeah. Dude, Michael, God, I just complimented our, our crew, and then they didn't even send our fucking reels over to this guy.

• 18:34Jason Bateman?

  I can airdrop your mind. I'll airdrop your mind.

• 18:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, yeah, sure, 100%. Please send me, send me some scripts, man.

• 18:40Jason Bateman?

  Truly, come on.

• 18:41Speaker 03

  I'm open, I'm open, I'm open to, I'm open to whatever, man. I'll tell you one thing, I have no fucking idea what I'm really gonna do until I finish what I'm doing. Because I don't know if you've ever hosted a, a, a network talk show at 11:30. But, oh, you would like, you would like to?

• 18:58Jason Bateman?

  I'd like to.

• 18:59Speaker 03

  I have some terrible news.

• 19:02Will Arnett?

  What, you would like to host a late night show?

• 19:04Jason Bateman?

  I would, that's always.

• 19:04Will Arnett?

  You don't have the energy, you're way too low energy for it, you wouldn't be able to do it.

• 19:08Jason Bateman?

  Well, well, but.

• 19:09Will Arnett?

  You'd be terrible at it.

• 19:10Speaker 03

  Do you enjoy, like, riding in a flaming toboggan down a hill? And the whole point is to not hit a tree by 12:30 at night? Because that's where it feels like more than anything else, you're blindfolded.

• 19:20Will Arnett?

  You'd last three shows, you'd last three shows.

• 19:22Jason Bateman?

  I know I would, I, I, I, every time I joke about this.

• 19:25Will Arnett?

  Your whole crew would quit, you wouldn't even have to fire them, they'd just fucking quit.

• 19:31Will Arnett?

  Okay? They'd quit, you'd be too tired, you'd wanna go home, you'd be like, fuck this, I gotta go again today? They're like, it's Wednesday, we started Monday.

• 19:41Speaker 03

  All right, let's, but let's, let's try it, let's, let's audition you, okay?

• 19:43Will Arnett?

  Okay, let's go, let's do it, this is good.

• 19:45Speaker 03

  I'm the guest on the show, you're the host.

• 19:46Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 19:47Speaker 03

  I've come on, remember?

• 19:48Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 19:48Will Arnett?

  By the way, which is the conceit of what we're doing now, anyway, but go ahead.

• 19:52Speaker 03

  Okay, the show, but no, but this, this is how it is, okay? So the show, you're, I'm coming on for a show that you haven't seen.

• 19:58Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 19:58Speaker 03

  Or you have seen and do not like.

• 20:00Jason Bateman?

  Correct.

• 20:01Speaker 03

  Okay?

• 20:01Will Arnett?

  Ba-da-ba-ba-ba, it's Late Nighter with Jason Bateman, ba-da-ba-ba.

• 20:07Jason Bateman?

  Hey, our first guest today is Stephen Colbert, he's got a brand new show on.

• 20:12Speaker 03

  Is it a daytime show? Is it a daytime, you just say, so is this like at noon?

• 20:17Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, because I'm in bed by eight.

• 20:18Speaker 03

  Is this following The View? Okay, go ahead.

• 20:20Will Arnett?

  Hang on, let me talk to the audience, we're gonna go one more time, sometimes we do this. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba, it's The Late Nighter with Jason Bateman, ba-da-ba.

• 20:29Jason Bateman?

  Hey, happy lunch, everybody, today our guest is Stephen Colbert.

• 20:35Jason Bateman?

  He's got a brand new, uh, uh, net, uh, net episode, um, that is good. Uh, but if you don't like it, it's on real fast and, and off real fast. Here, here he is, welcome, please, Mr. Steve Colbert. Steven.

• 20:52Speaker 03

  Thank you. Hey, man, great to see you.

• 20:54Jason Bateman?

  Hey.

• 20:55Speaker 03

  That is great. Great to see you.

• 20:56Jason Bateman?

  God, you're a much taller in person.

• 20:58Speaker 03

  Thank you very much.

• 20:59Jason Bateman?

  That's, that's a good standard opener, right?

• 21:01Speaker 03

  That's why, that's why I say to most people, I say that to most people and they come on. Or have you gained weight? That's another.

• 21:08Jason Bateman?

  And then how about, how about this for an opener? So what's been going on with you?

• 21:13Speaker 03

  Oh, you know, I've been working on the project. Did you like it?

• 21:17Jason Bateman?

  Oh, my goodness.

• 21:18Speaker 03

  Did you get a chance to see it?

• 21:19Jason Bateman?

  Uh, my wife and I sat down to watch it the other day.

• 21:22Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 21:23Jason Bateman?

  And my goodness, did we have a good time. I wish.

• 21:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, we do recommend people sit while watching it.

• 21:28Jason Bateman?

  Oh, absolutely. Or stand, uh, you could fold laundry while you do it. You could do any number of things and not miss much. Hey, was it fun to make?

• 21:37Speaker 03

  We got, we got to wrap it up. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well.

• 21:42Jason Bateman?

  Thanks for joining us today, Steve. Our next guest.

• 21:46Sean Hayes?

  Just two minute segment.

• 21:47Speaker 03

  Wait, Steven. Oh, I would love to do guests that quick. Wouldn't it be great? Maybe I should do that for my last show. I should have like 40 guests.

• 21:54Will Arnett?

  Dude, do it.

• 21:55Speaker 03

  But they each only get, they only get 30 seconds.

• 21:57Jason Bateman?

  Wait, but that's a really good idea. That's a really funny idea.

• 22:00Speaker 03

  Cause I don't know who to have for my last guest. Like, that's a big thing. Like, people going like, who's your last guest? I'm like, I don't know.

• 22:05Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, you can't sit. It's only standing.

• 22:07Speaker 03

  The only thing I could possibly imagine would be the right last guest, cause, is the, is the Pope.

• 22:13Jason Bateman?

  Mm-hmm, sure.

• 22:14Speaker 03

  I've written, I've written, I've asked, I've asked him to come on.

• 22:16Will Arnett?

  Have you really?

• 22:17Jason Bateman?

  He's been on my list, too.

• 22:18Will Arnett?

  Did we end up hearing back from the Vatican yet? Is it, is it a hard no yet?

• 22:22Speaker 03

  I've heard coin, it's coin toss at this point.

• 22:25Will Arnett?

  Coin, what, oh God, imagine how old that coin is. Imagine how rare that coin is.

• 22:29Speaker 03

  On one side, on one side, it has the head of the, of, of, of Tiberius.

• 22:32Will Arnett?

  Of course.

• 22:33Speaker 03

  And you go, render under Caesar what is Caesar and Colbert what is Colbert's. I should have put that as my post, I should have said, P.S.

• 22:40Will Arnett?

  Oh, you know what? You should have had like a Latin motto. Your show should have had a Latin motto this whole time.

• 22:45Speaker 03

  Well, my old show did have a Latin motto, the Colbert Por. The motto was esse non quid esse. No, it was quid esse non esse, which meant to seem to be rather than be.

• 22:56Will Arnett?

  Wow, great. I didn't know that. That's fantastic.

• 22:59Speaker 03

  It was on the thing. I also have a Latin motto on my, on my, on our fireplace at home.

• 23:05Sean Hayes?

  And it says, "Burn unto thee."

• 23:07Speaker 03

  Yeah, what does it say? "Abandon all hope." No, it says, "Hic domus quaum ioki adificarunt est." Which means, "This is the house the joke's built."

• 23:19Will Arnett?

  No way. That's great.

• 23:22Sean Hayes?

  That's great. Do either one of you two know Latin?

• 23:24Will Arnett?

  Quae hodie sum turi sumus benedicta deis priasum christum dominem nostri.

• 23:28Sean Hayes?

  There's my answer.

• 23:28Speaker 03

  Hey, or filii me boni bele dominus fabiscum bele ominus.

• 23:32Will Arnett?

  Mincena incorpora sano. Listen, guys, who cares?

• 23:35Sean Hayes?

  I went to school on a bus.

• 23:40Speaker 03

  Or you did that movie with Viggo Mortensen, Captain Fantastic, where he raises his kids and educates them at home?

• 23:45Will Arnett?

  Jamie, have you seen that?

• 23:47Sean Hayes?

  I have not.

• 23:47Will Arnett?

  You'd like his full frontal, full frontal Viggo, too.

• 23:51Speaker 03

  Can I get into Viggo for a second here?

• 23:53Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 23:53Speaker 03

  Do you see my background? Or do you see the stuff, all my Lord of the Rings stuff here?

• 23:57Sean Hayes?

  Yes, I love that, Stephen. I think that's incredible.

• 24:00Speaker 03

  This is the map of Middle Earth. Right there, that's a ball rock.

• 24:03Will Arnett?

  Sean, stand up real quick. Let's see if he's got a better. Sean, stand up.

• 24:06Speaker 03

  Okay, other things. This right here, this is in the, in the, in the Lord of the Rings, in the, in the final battle at the Black Gate.

• 24:13Sean Hayes?

  We watched them just like last week.

• 24:15Speaker 03

  He, he's wearing chainmail under his plate, Viggo is. This is some of the chainmail from Viggo's armor in that final scene.

• 24:23Sean Hayes?

  Wait, how did you get that?

• 24:25Speaker 03

  How did I get that?

• 24:26Sean Hayes?

  Stephen, how old were you when you lost your virginity?

• 24:27Speaker 03

  They don't just give these shows away, Sean. You gotta be a mover. But wait, that's not even what I wanted to show you, fuckers. Listen to this.

• 24:36Will Arnett?

  I'll tell you how he got it. He asked offhand to an assistant.

• 24:39Sean Hayes?

  Wait, let me see that.

• 24:40Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah. That is, that is an image of Aragorn made out of chocolate. Oh my god.

• 24:46Sean Hayes?

  Who did it?

• 24:47Speaker 03

  Given to me by Viggo Mortensen.

• 24:49Sean Hayes?

  Wow, that's really cool.

• 24:51Speaker 03

  He gave this to me 25 years ago when he was promoting The Lord of the Rings.

• 24:55Sean Hayes?

  You obviously know the story where he, in anger, kicked one of the dead orcs and ripped his toe off, basically.

• 25:06Speaker 03

  He kicked a helmet. He kicked a helmet.

• 25:08Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, one of the dead orcs. And then he kept going and his scream is him screaming in pain. Yeah, I think that's so wild.

• 25:15Speaker 03

  And Peter Jackson went, "Oh, that was good. Let's keep that take." And then he found out later.

• 25:18Sean Hayes?

  We'll be right back with Dork Chat after this first.

• 25:21Speaker 03

  Hey, hey!

• 25:24Will Arnett?

  Hey, guys, now that we've cleared the ladies out of the room, let's get down to it.

• 25:28Speaker 03

  All right.

• 25:29Will Arnett?

  They're all gone.

• 25:30Speaker 03

  All right. Who's shirts, who's skins?

• 25:36Sean Hayes?

  We'll be right back.

• 25:40Sean Hayes?

  Sonos is a sound system engineered to make you feel. You know how you can walk into a room and it just has a certain mood? The right music can completely change that. You put on a song everyone knows and suddenly people are hanging out, singing along, maybe dancing around a little bit. It just changes the energy. And with Sonos throughout the house, you can keep that going from room to room. The music basically moves through the house with you. I've had Sonos for years and years and years. And I pump it through the house when I'm getting ready to go out, when we're having people over for dinner, and it's really, really terrific. And when I want to, I just lift it up off the base and take it outside. You can actually move it outside and it's so cool. It makes outside just as great listening as inside.

• 26:25Sean Hayes?

  So whether you're trying to wind down, get some energy going, have people over, whatever it is, Sonos helps set the mood. Love the sound, feel the system. Visit sonos.com to build your system.

• 26:41Sean Hayes?

  You know what stood the test of time? No, not bad haircuts and pretending to understand wine. For centuries, law has remained a remarkably consistent way of making our promises stick. A word becomes an agreement, and an agreement becomes a contract, and a contract becomes bound by law. Now, Harvey, the AI platform designed specifically for legal work, is helping write the next chapter of that legacy. And Harvey is already pretty well-established in the legal world. More than 200,000 lawyers, 80% of the Am Law 100, and 20% of the Fortune 500 are building with Harvey, accelerating review, sharpening negotiations, uncovering insights, drafting first responses, and more.

• 27:24Sean Hayes?

  Basically, Harvey is helping legal teams spend less time on repetitive work and more time on the big-picture stuff. This is how the future of agreements is being crafted now. Harvey. Learn more at harvey.ai. That's harvey.ai. Harvey does not provide legal advice. Users should always independently review and verify any output provided by Harvey.

• 27:47Jason Bateman?

  Did you ever notice the best deals are just obvious? Like hotels.com. What do they do, you may ask? Hotels on the internet. And a lot of them, like hundreds of thousands. I don't know why I just turned into Sean Hayes. Plus, if you join for free, you can save up to 20% instantly with member prices, and you earn rewards every time you book. So, your next trip basically starts paying for itself. It's simple, and you get more out of every stay. Sign up for free and book today. Hotels.com. It's all in the name.

• 28:27Sean Hayes?

  Hey, everybody has that person on their holiday list that you need to get a gift for, you just don't know what to get them? Check this out. Looking for an easy stocking stuffer for the dude in your life? One who'll actually use? Grab an Old Spice holiday gift pack. It's perfect. It's an incredible deal since each ready to gift pack includes four full-size products. Deodorant, body wash, body spray, and shampoo. Choose from scents like Swagger's cedarwood scent and Fiji's palm tree and coconut scent. Old Spice makes holiday shopping easy, which means more time for things like untangling yourself from the holiday lights. Oh, what? Get down from there. Buy Old Spice holiday packs for a limited time to give the gift of scent this holiday season.

• 29:16Sean Hayes?

  All right, back to the show.

• 29:20Sean Hayes?

  Wait a minute, Stephen. I want to go back to the talk show for a minute. Wait, because you were kind of alluding this with Jason.

• 29:24Speaker 03

  Me too. But they won't let me.

• 29:29Sean Hayes?

  But, um, you're, obviously, I don't want to know names. Please don't say names. But what are the types of guests that are the greatest and the types that are the worst?

• 29:38Speaker 03

  And also mouth the worst.

• 29:44Speaker 03

  The worst? Uh, oh, boy. Ooh, the best guests are just anybody who, uh, wants, wants to talk and, and actually have a conversation, like, that the card is immaterial. Like, we don't have, we don't have to stick to the card. I mean, I mean, don't get me wrong, I really like, like, Nathan Lane comes on, and what I love about him is that he's old-timey. And it has nothing to do with his age. It means he comes on and he, I know to ask him a question, and he's got 90 seconds on that subject, at the end of which, there's a word he says and he's done with that story. And I move on to the next thing, which is very, uh, very old-school, very Carson.

• 30:26Sean Hayes?

  Prepared, anecdotes.

• 30:26Speaker 03

  And I love it. It's, it's, it's old days. But I really, but I really like is just somebody who's just come to come on and talk. And, and also someone who's really, that's why I like Neil Tyson, because Neil Tyson, A, I'm interested in his subject, Neil deGrasse Tyson. And, and then he burns so, like, passionately. He wants to explain things. It's, it's, he's like this lump of, like, glowing conversational uranium, and I feel like singed on one side of my body after he leaves. We loved him too. He's so good. He's, he's a joy.

• 30:53Sean Hayes?

  I stumped him. He couldn't answer my question.

• 30:55Speaker 03

  What was that? That's not true.

• 30:56Sean Hayes?

  He didn't get it.

• 30:58Speaker 03

  Name all the children on the Partridge Family?

• 31:06Speaker 03

  And what their astrological signs were?

• 31:09Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, he couldn't get it. Couldn't get it.

• 31:11Speaker 03

  No, he got stumped on Danny. He had everybody but Danny.

• 31:15Will Arnett?

  Would you think he'd know?

• 31:17Speaker 03

  Right, because Danny's on a cusp. He's a cancer Leo cusp.

• 31:22Sean Hayes?

  Wait, Stephen, tell me about, and I know I'm sorry if you've answered this question a billion times. What are you feeling about the end of your show and like all of that?

• 31:30Speaker 03

  I actually have not answered it a million times. I've answered it once to Seth Meyers. And he answered that. He asked that question way better.

• 31:40Will Arnett?

  Let's see how Jason would do it. Jason, do it on your show. How would you ask Stephen on your show?

• 31:45Sean Hayes?

  Yes.

• 31:45Jason Bateman?

  Uh, Stephen, end of your show, thoughts?

• 31:51Speaker 03

  250 people losing their jobs. Any feelings?

• 31:55Sean Hayes?

  You've only got 30 seconds, remember?

• 31:56Will Arnett?

  People gotta get back afterlife. Lunch breaks these days are short.

• 31:59Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, 30 second webisode.

• 32:01Speaker 03

  Uh, hey, listen, uh, you know, on one level, I have no time to feel anything about it because, as I said, I was just saying, it really is like a flaming toboggan ride every day. Like, I got a show. I don't have time for this bullshit. I've got to go do a show today. And it takes everything I got. I don't know what I'm gonna do after this because I don't have time to really... I mean, I've got stuff. I'm committed to doing things after this that I committed to before we were canceled, that I've got to like deliver on, but what I'm gonna really do, I don't know, because this takes almost all of my brain to do this. And I love, and this group of people that I work with, I have cobbled together over the last 21 years, some over like 30 years of working on TV.

• 32:39Sean Hayes?

  It shows. The show is so goddamn good.

• 32:42Speaker 03

  Thanks. And we have such a, we have a really good time to each other. I mean, we have real affection for each other. We have a great time together. We call it the joy machine because it's a machine all the time. And you can either do it with joy or not do it with joy. Because if you don't do it with joy, your finger's gonna get caught in the gears and you're just gonna be fucking mad and sad all the time.

• 33:00Sean Hayes?

  Absolutely, absolutely.

• 33:00Speaker 03

  And so, you know, we just try to have a good time and we want our guests to have a really good time. Like, the whole thing is, I really feel like I'm a host. It's like I'm hosting a party.

• 33:10Will Arnett?

  But you know, but people get nervous though. I remember JB, sometimes people are in the dressing room and they're shitting their pants.

• 33:23Speaker 03

  Wait a minute, Steven. Steven, look. God, I love it. Wait, wait, look. You have not been back. He's been sitting on that. You have not been back since that story has been told, and I've been waiting to give you a pair of underwear.

• 33:34Will Arnett?

  No, we got our underwear. By the way, you sent us underwear.

• 33:36Speaker 03

  I still wear it.

• 33:37Will Arnett?

  I still wear mine.

• 33:38Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 33:39Will Arnett?

  I still wear mine too.

• 33:40Speaker 03

  I still wear it. I have it on right now. That's so crazy.

• 33:42Jason Bateman?

  Wait, wait. I don't have underwear.

• 33:44Will Arnett?

  Yeah, you do.

• 33:44Speaker 03

  We sent you all underwear. We sent you really nice, like Calvin underwear or something like that.

• 33:49Will Arnett?

  No, what are they? What are they, Sean?

• 33:50Speaker 03

  No, they're called...

• 33:51Will Arnett?

  What's the brand? Golo, Golo, Sean.

• 33:54Speaker 03

  Are they Tommy, like Tommy?

• 33:56Jason Bateman?

  Tommy Bahama.

• 33:57Will Arnett?

  No.

• 33:58Speaker 03

  No, no, they're on the back. They're on the back.

• 33:59Will Arnett?

  Tommy Bahama.

• 34:02Speaker 03

  I don't know.

• 34:03Jason Bateman?

  Um, have I not?

• 34:04Will Arnett?

  They're senior. Scotty, come check my underwear. And he's like, again?

• 34:08Jason Bateman?

  I can't read upside down.

• 34:09Will Arnett?

  Again, this is the fourth time. This is not for that. Not for that.

• 34:19Speaker 03

  What brand is Wednesday?

• 34:24Jason Bateman?

  Wait, Steven, I haven't been back since then. That's not true.

• 34:26Speaker 03

  You have not back since you shit your pants on my show.

• 34:32Jason Bateman?

  Oh, David Cross can confirm.

• 34:35Speaker 03

  They're for Daily Wear. For Daily Wear.

• 34:38Jason Bateman?

  That's, um, fuck, I have the, Mark, Mark, uh, Mark?

• 34:41Will Arnett?

  Mac.

• 34:42Speaker 03

  Andreessen.

• 34:42Jason Bateman?

  Mark, Mark, yeah.

• 34:43Will Arnett?

  Mark Andreessen.

• 34:45Speaker 03

  That's how he made the billions.

• 34:47Jason Bateman?

  Mac, uh, Macquellen.

• 34:49Speaker 03

  Mac, okay.

• 34:52Jason Bateman?

  Mark Wayne, Mark Wayne Mellon. Mark Wayne Mallon.

• 34:55Will Arnett?

  Fucking, you know, it's unreal. These tech guys, they're moving to underwear. It's been unprecedented.

• 35:01Speaker 03

  My underwear's in the cloud.

• 35:02Will Arnett?

  They went from AI to underwear.

• 35:03Speaker 03

  My underwear's in the cloud now. I shit, I shit my pants in the cloud.

• 35:09Jason Bateman?

  My underwear's in your trash can.

• 35:14Speaker 03

  I shit my pants in the cloud.

• 35:20Jason Bateman?

  We should explain to the listener that I had a little accident.

• 35:23Speaker 03

  No, I don't think we should. No, I don't think we should explain. I'm sorry. You come and shit your pants on my show, you don't get to explain anything until you come on my show. To explain, you don't get to burn this story on somebody else's show, even if it's yours. I think Jason should be your last guest now, obviously. He only comes out for 30 seconds. I'm sorry, that's all we have time for.

• 35:45Jason Bateman?

  I gotta go clean myself. Goodbye.

• 35:49Speaker 03

  Well, all of our guests, in our gift bag, we do have dude wipes.

• 35:55Jason Bateman?

  Now we do, dude.

• 35:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, they're denim, they're denim dude wipes. Wait, so Stephen.

• 36:01Jason Bateman?

  35 minutes in, we haven't had a question yet. This is called the good guest.

• 36:05Speaker 03

  No, he asked how I was feeling. Sean asked how I was feeling. Did you remember that? Yeah. Then you asked him thoughts. Yes. Wait, let me finish answering that question, just saying, how do I feel? Still very happy and grateful to have done the show for 11 years and pre-missing everyone. How about that?

• 36:25Jason Bateman?

  And when is the last show? When is the date?

• 36:28Speaker 03

  They haven't told me yet. Evidently, someone's just gonna come up and shoot me in the back of the head. Execution style. And they want me to wear a chin strap beard and a stovepipe hat, and I don't understand why.

• 36:41Jason Bateman?

  A bunch of plastic on the desk?

• 36:44Speaker 03

  I just come in, I go, huh?

• 36:47Jason Bateman?

  What's that plastic doing on the floor?

• 36:48Speaker 03

  It's May 21st. It's May 21st.

• 36:50Jason Bateman?

  May 21st. Sweeps. So they're gonna get some sweeps ratings out of it.

• 36:55Speaker 03

  Yeah. Do you know there are no sweeps anymore?

• 36:57Jason Bateman?

  Really?

• 36:57Speaker 03

  Yeah. Sweeps don't exist. They haven't been around for like 8 years. There have been no sweeps. Get back in the game, baby. I know this podcast thing is working out for you guys, but, you know, you've lost a step.

• 37:12Jason Bateman?

  Old TV.

• 37:13Speaker 03

  Old TV. There's no more. There's no pilot season. No.

• 37:18Jason Bateman?

  There isn't?

• 37:18Speaker 03

  No.

• 37:18Jason Bateman?

  Although I just read that they're gonna try to do that again. That they're gonna do pilots again.

• 37:24Will Arnett?

  Well, what's so f- yeah, anyway.

• 37:26Speaker 03

  Oh, pilot season. Maybe I'll fly out and do pilot season again. That was always fun. Why don't you do that?

• 37:30Jason Bateman?

  Stay at the Oakwoods.

• 37:30Speaker 03

  Go to, stay at the Farmer's Daughter or whatever the thing that was. Oh, my God, on Fairfax.

• 37:34Will Arnett?

  I used to stay at the Oakwoods.

• 37:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, stay at the Farmer's Daughter, or I had a brother lived up in, lives up in La Cañada. Sometimes I would stay with him. Oh, my God, he had great cars. Oh. He would lend me his Porsche. I would go to, I would go to these, I didn't have, I didn't, I couldn't like, I didn't have, back then it was like, like pre-cell phones. I wouldn't, I didn't have, couldn't make a phone call. I had no cash. But I would pull up to the audition in a white Carrera. Wow. What's brother do? Uh, was lawyer. He's nineteen years senior than me. And I'm one of eleven. He's the, he's the eldest, I'm the baby. And a big, big California land use lawyer and, and many other things, too.

• 38:12Will Arnett?

  Wow. So you had, nothing but, poor, you had a Thomas Guide?

• 38:16Speaker 03

  Oh, sure you did. Oh, I did. Page thirty-three and thirty-four. The, the Thomas Guide flipped over, okay, H like that. I remember I had a Thomas Guide, I just kept in my bag all the time, goes, I don't know, I never knew when I'd have to go to LA. And, uh, I, when, when, uh, OJ, uh, was, when The Chase, I was driving from New York down to, uh... Yeah, this guy got railroaded. I'm telling, I'm telling Stephen. Terrible news. Oh, my God.

• 38:42Will Arnett?

  You're gonna be so, he's a fucking crazy OJ fan.

• 38:44Speaker 03

  What? Oh, um...

• 38:45Will Arnett?

  You're gonna be so...

• 38:47Speaker 03

  All the way back to the Trojans.

• 38:48Will Arnett?

  We've kept him insulated because he just, he's such a fan.

• 38:52Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 38:54Speaker 03

  I was driving from New York down to Maryland for a wedding and he's, he's in The Chase and I just, I'm in the backseat, driving down with these people to a wedding. And I get in the backseat, I've got the Thomas Guide following where he is, based on what they're saying on the radio, going, no way. And we go, oh, he's getting off, he's gonna get off the highway, here's his exit. And I was like, I was trying to stay one, I was one step ahead of OJ the whole time, baby.

• 39:14Will Arnett?

  Like, what's he doing? He's taking Montana? That's crazy.

• 39:19Speaker 03

  At this time of day?

• 39:21Will Arnett?

  Was it crazy?

• 39:22Jason Bateman?

  He'll never make it back, yeah.

• 39:24Will Arnett?

  I was in, I remember I was in, I was out here, I was in California briefly when that happened. I was staying at a friend's house up in the hills and I could see, you could see where he's going by all the helicopters going along the freeway. Just the pack of helicopters following him and then culminating in his house. It was so scary.

• 39:40Jason Bateman?

  I still feel like that was like three years ago.

• 39:43Speaker 03

  I know, isn't that weird?

• 39:44Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 39:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:45Jason Bateman?

  I know. I remember they, they interrupted, I think, the NBA playoffs or something.

• 39:48Will Arnett?

  Yes.

• 39:49Jason Bateman?

  Right?

• 39:49Will Arnett?

  Yes, the Knicks, the Knicks were in that, were in the finals.

• 39:52Jason Bateman?

  With the Lakers.

• 39:53Speaker 03

  When I arrived at this wedding, my wife had gone on ahead of me. It was all her friend, it was for her friend getting married. And I, and I pull up to this and, and they haven't, he has, he's not out of the car yet. You know, it's still the overhead chase and I get, I come up and my wife is at the door of the bar where everyone's meeting the night before the wedding. And I get out of the car, I walk past her, I went, hi, and I walk into the bar. She has not seen me because I'm living in New York working and she's, she's in Chicago. She hasn't seen me like in two weeks. I went, hi, I walked by her and I went up to the bar and said, can you please change that game to any news station right now? And the guy went, no. And I said, I promise you, people will be interested in this.

• 40:32Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, because remember the, everybody was really concerned that he was just wanting to get into his driveway so that he could commit suicide in the back of that. Remember they said that there's a gun back there? And he just wanted to get to his house and get it done.

• 40:44Speaker 03

  And a wig, something.

• 40:45Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, and there was a, there was a whole suicide note.

• 40:47Will Arnett?

  Wig, wig was there?

• 40:48Jason Bateman?

  It was a wig.

• 40:49Will Arnett?

  Oh, a wig, not Kristen, I'm sorry.

• 40:52Jason Bateman?

  It was a wig.

• 40:53Speaker 03

  Kristen's wig was in the backseat. He, he was actually, it was the same day he was auditioning for Lacage.

• 40:58Will Arnett?

  No way!

• 40:59Jason Bateman?

  They were paired, Kristen and OJ were paired.

• 41:01Speaker 03

  He would have been fantastic.

• 41:02Will Arnett?

  In all fairness, you're right.

• 41:03Speaker 03

  Let's all admit, yes, you know, murder, yes, but fantastic.

• 41:07Will Arnett?

  In fairness, you're right.

• 41:08Speaker 03

  You think Nathan Lane hasn't killed somebody?

• 41:11Jason Bateman?

  There's our clip.

• 41:15Speaker 03

  I am what I am.

• 41:17Will Arnett?

  Who knew our 300th would be our last? You know?

• 41:21Speaker 03

  Right. This is, this is pretty. Oh, happy 300. This is 300? Thank you. Now, yeah, I think you were.

• 41:26Will Arnett?

  This is 300. You were in early, you were in early, early days. One of our first ones, yeah.

• 41:30Speaker 03

  First 10, first 20? Yeah, I didn't even know who you guys were. They're like, do you want to do this thing? And I'm like.

• 41:35Will Arnett?

  Well, you still don't.

• 41:36Speaker 03

  Price was right.

• 41:38Speaker 03

  Yeah. You're Googling us as you speak. Wait, back to the farmer's daughter. I hooked up with someone at the farmer's daughter. Huh? Oh, go ahead. Wait a second.

• 41:49Will Arnett?

  Thank God we circled back.

• 41:50Speaker 03

  Wait a second. Was he pale and Irish from South Carolina?

• 41:56Speaker 03

  Was he very lonely? Did he keep on calling? Did he call you Evy?

• 42:00Will Arnett?

  Stephen, does that, does that, does that line up, Stephen, with what you called your blackout days?

• 42:06Speaker 03

  Yeah. This is all time out? I think we matched Legos.

• 42:12Will Arnett?

  Wait, Sean, keep going. Uh huh.

• 42:14Speaker 03

  No, that's it. It was, I was so young. End of story? So then, so, so you'd go audition in the morning. You'd audition like a couple of places in the morning. And then you'd go to the, the, what's it called? The farmer's market. That's right. And like.

• 42:27Will Arnett?

  But the old one, where they had the?

• 42:28Speaker 03

  In the big parking lot, whatever. Before the Grove was built.

• 42:31Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 42:31Speaker 03

  Yeah. And then you'd get like a fruit plate and you and all the people you knew from Chicago, which was my situation. You'd sit around and you'd put your beeper. That's right. In the middle of the table. And everybody put your beeper in front of you and you'd be eating like some lovely melon or whatever like that. And then, and somebody would start buzzing. That's right. And. Call back. And then you'd be like, well, well, that's the life I could have had.

• 42:53Will Arnett?

  What was that great breakfast place that was there?

• 42:57Speaker 03

  Denny's? At the farmer's market?

• 42:58Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 42:58Speaker 03

  Oh, it's called Dupars. Dupars.

• 43:01Will Arnett?

  No, no, it wasn't Dupars. It was like, it was like a counter. You could go with not Dupars. It was like a, it was part of the farmer's market though.

• 43:07Jason Bateman?

  There were a lot of tasty little treats in there. Well, Steven, do you remember, do you remember going in and reading for Pilot and signing your, your five-year deal? Um, and seeing, and seeing what you could be making if you do make, uh, make it past this final round?

• 43:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, I want you to know I did not go to network that many times. I, it turned out, had to write for myself. Because I, I was ostensibly an actor, but I was really a, I turned out I was probably a writer who needed to write for himself. Because I didn't, there's not a lot of tape on me from the early days. I went to network, uh, ah, God, they were gonna do an Addams Family. I remember that. They were gonna do like a reboot of the Addams Family. I did, I, I was called back in for Gomez. I remember that. That was kinda fun.

• 43:57Will Arnett?

  Do you remember who got it? Do you remember who, who's in that pilot?

• 43:59Speaker 03

  Uh, nope. Oh, here's a good one. I was supposed to be the sidekick. Did I tell you this already? Did I tell you this last time? I was offered the sidekick for the Magic Hour.

• 44:11Jason Bateman?

  What's the Magic Hour?

• 44:12Will Arnett?

  What's the Magic Hour?

• 44:13Speaker 03

  Magic Johnson's talk show.

• 44:16Jason Bateman?

  No way.

• 44:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, I was offered the sidekick on the Magic Hour.

• 44:20Jason Bateman?

  Did that ever go? I don't remember that show.

• 44:22Speaker 03

  It did. It went for like eight weeks or something like that. Like, whatever, 32 shows or something like that. And I got called in, really lovely fella named Jim Sharp, who used to, um, he was head of development for Comedy Central. And I knew him through that. And he goes, would you come in and just meet with these people? And I said, sure. I mean, I had a wife and a child and none of us had any jobs. And I was like, whatever, I will dance on the head of a pin. You know, shirtless. And I, um, I went in and I met with them and, uh, first I went to Jim and then Magic's team came in. And Magic's team all looked like-

• 44:58Will Arnett?

  The Lakers?

• 45:02Sean Hayes?

  The entire basketball team.

• 45:04Speaker 03

  Just the Laker girls. Just the Laker girls.

• 45:07Will Arnett?

  Okay, sorry.

• 45:08Speaker 03

  They all came in, they're all very attractive, very athletic looking, and all, I think, lawyers. And they came in and they explained to me like what the show was gonna be and they said, "You're gonna be like, you're gonna be the announcer and the sidekick and, and, and you'll be like, "You're like Magic's crazy uncle. Like, he'll do, he'll do a monologue, but you're like the crazy guy "and you'll pepper him with like, you'll yell things at him and you're like, you'll say stuff." And he'll like, "He doesn't know what you're talking about." Like, you know, you're like the crazy uncle, "Uncle, he doesn't understand what you're saying," or anything like that. And evidently, I really wowed them in when I said, "I understand what you mean." Like, I didn't, I don't remember saying anything other than I, the words you're saying "are registering with my Tim Panham." And, and then I got called and they said, "They want, they want you, man. They want you."

• 45:53Speaker 03

  And I had to sit my pregnant wife down, because I flew back to New York. I had to sit my pregnant wife down and were unemployed, she's pregnant, and I had to say to her, "I've been offered this job on Magic Hour and I have to not take it." And she goes, "What?" And it paid well. I would say it paid well. And we didn't have, we were living with her parents back in South Carolina. It was a bad situation. And we're in the breakfast nook of her parents' house. And I said, "I can't. I just think it was, this would not, this would not be good for me." Like, "I would never be able to wash off this tape. I just don't think this is gonna be good." And then she, she stood up, God bless this woman, she stood up, she looked at me and she said,

• 46:35Speaker 03

  "Okay." She said, "I, I trust you." And then she walked out of the room. And it was a bad moment. And then like, six weeks later, it went on the air and she turned to me, she says, "Good call." Because Magic comes out, turns to this guy, I forgot who it is, perfectly lovely comedian "who got the gig. I, I used to know his name, I can't remember. You'd know him if you saw him. He's a funny guy." And, and, and he got, the first thing the guy says to Magic, Magic goes, "Man, he's like my crazy uncle. He says things and I don't know what he's talking about." He like just named exactly what they had said to me in the meeting. And then it, and then it kinda went downhill from there. And so, that was, but that was-

• 47:12Will Arnett?

  Do you think, you think, you think you would've ended up owning a piece of the Dodgers had you stayed?

• 47:17Speaker 03

  No, but a lot, but a lot of movie theaters.

• 47:19Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 47:20Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 47:21Sean Hayes?

  Well, that's not a great business nowadays, right? Owning those theaters.

• 47:24Speaker 03

  You can just go in and buy popcorn, you know? You don't have to actually go see a movie.

• 47:28Will Arnett?

  No kidding?

• 47:29Speaker 03

  You can just go in and buy popcorn and work the Coca-Cola machine.

• 47:32Will Arnett?

  No shit?

• 47:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:34Will Arnett?

  I live so close to Century City, I could just...

• 47:36Speaker 03

  See, it's convenient, you don't even think about it.

• 47:40Will Arnett?

  So wait, so that's like 94, 95 type thing, like in there? That's, that's pre or post?

• 47:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's 90... That's 97.

• 47:49Will Arnett?

  Oh, that's 97?

• 47:50Speaker 03

  It's post my first gig.

• 47:52Will Arnett?

  So it's right before Strangers with Candy?

• 47:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's after Carvey even. It's after Carvey. I've done X-57, then I've done Carvey, and then Strangers with Candy. I actually, while I was out there for that pilot season, Paul Donello and I, with Amy Sedaris, wrote the pilot over the phone. We wrote the pilot for Strangers.

• 48:12Will Arnett?

  Wow.

• 48:13Sean Hayes?

  That's amazing.

• 48:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 48:15Sean Hayes?

  So great. Now, I know you, I don't want to, I know you kind of already answered this, but what, after you're done with the show, I don't know, everybody's gonna keep asking you over and over, "What are you gonna do, what are you gonna do?"

• 48:25Speaker 03

  I feel like a college senior. I feel like I'm just about to graduate.

• 48:28Jason Bateman?

  Because they want, because they want you. Because they want more of you. We had, we didn't get a vote in all this. Everyone was watching your show because they want you. They love you, they don't want it to be over. So what are you going to do for us?

• 48:43Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, so what's the dream?

• 48:44Speaker 03

  I guess I'll just join you guys.

• 48:45Sean Hayes?

  That'd be great. There we go, we've got our second clip.

• 48:48Speaker 03

  Fourth?

• 48:49Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 48:50Speaker 03

  You need four?

• 48:50Will Arnett?

  Finally, we're finally ready.

• 48:52Speaker 03

  Even split, right? Even equity?

• 48:54Will Arnett?

  Of course, yeah, yeah.

• 48:56Jason Bateman?

  I can get up higher.

• 48:57Speaker 03

  Or I'll dilute one of you. I'll dilute one of you. We'll draw straws, we'll draw straws to see who gets diluted.

• 49:03Sean Hayes?

  Sounds fair.

• 49:03Will Arnett?

  Okay, sure.

• 49:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:06Sean Hayes?

  We'll be right back.

• 49:10Sean Hayes?

  You know what stood the test of time? No, not bad haircuts and pretending to understand wine. For centuries, law has remained a remarkably consistent way of making our promises stick. A word becomes an agreement, and an agreement becomes a contract, and a contract becomes bound by law. Now, Harvey, the AI platform designed specifically for legal work, is helping write the next chapter of that legacy. And Harvey is already pretty well established in the legal world. More than 200,000 lawyers, 80% of the Am Law 100, and 20% of the Fortune 500 are building with Harvey, accelerating review, sharpening negotiations, uncovering insights, drafting first responses, and more.

• 49:53Sean Hayes?

  Basically, Harvey is helping legal teams spend less time on repetitive work and more time on the big-picture stuff. This is how the future of agreements is being crafted now. Harvey. Learn more at harvey.ai. That's harvey.ai. Harvey does not provide legal advice. Users should always independently review and verify any output provided by Harvey.

• 50:17Sean Hayes?

  Fall means cozy meals, game days, and an excuse to bring home something sweet? Whole Foods Market keeps the focus on flavor with no artificial sweeteners like sucralose, artificial colors like red dye number 40, or high-fructose corn syrup store-wide. For game day, grab made-in-house wings, frozen pizzas, and 365 brand chips and dips. Finish with limited-time pumpkin blondies, apple brown butter cookies, or chocolate bourbon pecan pie. Shop fall flavors with higher standards at Whole Foods Market.

• 50:56Sean Hayes?

  Hey, everybody has that person on their holiday list that you need to get a gift for. You just don't know what to get them? Check this out. Looking for an easy stocking stuffer for the dude in your life? One who'll actually use? Grab an Old Spice Holiday Gift Pack. It's perfect. It's an incredible deal since each ready to gift pack includes four full-size products. Deodorant, body wash, body spray, and shampoo. Choose from scents like Swagger's cedarwood scent and Fiji's palm tree and coconut scent. Old Spice makes holiday shopping easy, which means more time for things like untangling yourself from the holiday lights. Oh, what? Get down from there. Buy Old Spice Holiday Packs for a limited time to give the gift of scent this holiday season.

• 51:45Sean Hayes?

  And now, back to the show.

• 51:49Sean Hayes?

  But what is the? I know, sorry. We can move on from this if you want. But what is the dream? Like, what? Is there anything that you've always wanted to do?

• 51:56Speaker 03

  Here's the thing. There's a lot of things that I enjoy doing. I kind of live in the dream. You know, this was never my dream. I never had any intention to do this gig. It was. No, I never had any intention to. This was a happy accident that I got this gig. Like, I quit the old show before this show came to me. I hadn't told anybody I'd quit. I was like, OK, that was the end of that show. And then, before I could tell anybody, they offered me this. And then I came over here. But the idea was just, I was just gonna go back being an actor again. I was gonna go just do that, live that life.

• 52:27Sean Hayes?

  So then, maybe we can look forward to that, what Jason was saying. Maybe you're gonna be an actor.

• 52:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm about to go, I'm about to enter into show business again. I've kind of not been in show business for 21 years because this is artificial. Like, to be able to come in every day to know where your clothes are and who you're working with and what time it starts and what time it ends.

• 52:45Sean Hayes?

  Right.

• 52:45Speaker 03

  And especially as the host, because you kind of even, you even get to make the yearly schedule. You just have to hit a number. But you get to make the dates. But after 21 years of that, now I'm like, wait, so if I'm lucky, I have to go to Prague for three weeks?

• 52:59Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 52:59Speaker 03

  You know what I mean?

• 53:00Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 53:01Speaker 03

  Prague's a lovely place, but like, I've really enjoyed, I mean, I got to raise my kids under those conditions, like where I know where I was.

• 53:08Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 53:08Speaker 03

  It's so lucky, and there's lots of young people who this was their first job, and they've been with me for 20 years, and now they're not young anymore.

• 53:15Jason Bateman?

  Amazing, amazing.

• 53:16Speaker 03

  And I'm trying to prep them for what it was like before I had this gig, which is real show business, which is like high diddle DD in actor's life for me, you know, it's very much of a caravan.

• 53:24Jason Bateman?

  But then, so then just to build on that then, I mean, the bar is very high for that which you are comfortable doing, like you don't want to be...

• 53:34Speaker 03

  Or very low, or very low, like I really, honest to God, I tell you who the person who did the thing that I most admire, I mean, not most admire, but the thing that really struck me is like, you know what Hader did when he left SNL? He went and wrote for South Park for a season.

• 53:48Speaker 03

  And I remember I seen, I saw him, I was still doing the first show, and when he did that, and I, I was sitting behind him at the Emmys, and I said, I said, "Man, that's the perfect thing to do, just go serve something that you love already, like see, I'd be of service to people who I really, whose work I really admire," and I thought, "That's a great thing to do, don't even worry about like your status of your previous gig, just go do something you love, that's, I'm just, I just don't have the time to, I mean, I got some things I do want to do, but I would never tell you what they are."

• 54:18Jason Bateman?

  Sure.

• 54:18Speaker 03

  No, no. Because then you would go do them.

• 54:20Jason Bateman?

  Right.

• 54:21Speaker 03

  You know, this is a cutthroat, I know what it's like.

• 54:23Jason Bateman?

  But just a hint.

• 54:23Speaker 03

  I know what Hollywood is like.

• 54:24Jason Bateman?

  Just a hint, though, just a little hint.

• 54:30Speaker 03

  Just a hint?

• 54:31Jason Bateman?

  Is it streaming?

• 54:33Speaker 03

  Just a hint?

• 54:34Jason Bateman?

  Is it linear?

• 54:37Jason Bateman?

  It's just us, it's just us here.

• 54:39Speaker 03

  It's pay-per-view.

• 54:42Speaker 03

  That's still a thing. Yeah, yeah, it's gonna be, it's mostly, it's a, it's a form of... UFC, UFC! It's MMA, technically, it's a form of MMA. So smart. Yeah.

• 54:53Will Arnett?

  I love it if you, would you fight Jake Paul?

• 54:57Will Arnett?

  Could that be your next move?

• 54:59Jason Bateman?

  Who wouldn't watch that?

• 55:00Will Arnett?

  Come on.

• 55:01Speaker 03

  God, I would love that so much.

• 55:03Jason Bateman?

  Sprinting around the ring.

• 55:04Will Arnett?

  If you announced, if you challenged him to a fight when you rap.

• 55:10Speaker 03

  I remember on the old show, I challenged, who Brock Lesnar is?

• 55:13Will Arnett?

  Yes.

• 55:14Jason Bateman?

  Sure, yeah.

• 55:14Speaker 03

  On the old show, I challenged Brock Lesnar to a fight. I called him a pussy and everything like that. And I was, it occurred to me this, it was over multiple shows. And I don't know why I did it. I don't know what had happened that I got mad at Brock Lesnar in character. And at a certain point, I went, I should stop saying this.

• 55:30Jason Bateman?

  Did he ever come on the show?

• 55:32Speaker 03

  My head would, my head would just shear off cleanly, like a graham cracker, if he punched me once.

• 55:38Jason Bateman?

  Oh, God, remember him? Jesus, the son of a-

• 55:41Speaker 03

  He's still alive, he's not dead, is he?

• 55:43Jason Bateman?

  Was he a boxer?

• 55:44Speaker 03

  Don't even joke about Brock Lesnar dying.

• 55:46Will Arnett?

  Yeah, man.

• 55:46Jason Bateman?

  No, no, no, no, I mean, when he was fighting, remember him, like-

• 55:49Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, he's a monster.

• 55:50Jason Bateman?

  Like, remember Mike Tyson was just like, just so violent in the ring.

• 55:56Speaker 03

  Did you ever, have you seen that, like, the Jake Paul, Mike Tyson fight? Did you, have you seen the footage where Mike pulls a punch? Because if he had followed through, he would have killed Jake Paul. You see, like, that calculation of like, eh, I promised him I wouldn't do this. And then he puts his fist down, because Jake's open completely. His head is just, his head just has an enter here sign, right, right on his chin. And Tyson sees the opportunity, and you see him not take the opportunity.

• 56:23Will Arnett?

  Yeah. I remember seeing that video going around, and everybody saying, this is definitely what the deal was.

• 56:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 56:28Will Arnett?

  I mean-

• 56:29Speaker 03

  Did you, like, I, see, I grew up, I'm old enough, I'm much older than two of you. And-

• 56:39Speaker 03

  And I, when I was a kid, I, we, was, Ali was on TV, there's no paper. Like, you would go watch Ali on TV, and, and Foreman, and, and Smokey and Joe Fraser. And it was, it was a big part of my childhood, was watching professional boxing.

• 56:52Jason Bateman?

  I, I never understood it. I don't, where the goal is to hit someone so hard that they lose consciousness.

• 56:58Speaker 03

  They lose consciousness.

• 56:59Jason Bateman?

  Yes, that's the goal.

• 57:00Speaker 03

  To hit them as hard as you possibly can, just shy of killing them.

• 57:04Jason Bateman?

  That's right.

• 57:04Speaker 03

  That's where it's sweet science, that's the sweet science right there.

• 57:07Will Arnett?

  Sean, you don't get it.

• 57:08Speaker 03

  Well, what's the draw?

• 57:09Will Arnett?

  I mean, you've met people before, right?

• 57:10Speaker 03

  And by the way, if you do kill them, you're good.

• 57:13Will Arnett?

  You've been in the world.

• 57:14Speaker 03

  You don't get prosecuted. No, you can't. If they do, if... Oh, really? If they die, you can get prosecuted? Boxers can get prosecuted, yeah. Really?

• 57:19Sean Hayes?

  Oh, really?

• 57:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 57:20Sean Hayes?

  But isn't that the goal? To kill, almost kill them.

• 57:23Speaker 03

  No, the goal is to not kill them.

• 57:24Sean Hayes?

  But almost kill them.

• 57:25Speaker 03

  Yeah. How about bullfighting? How do you feel about bullfighting? Oh, that's not good.

• 57:29Sean Hayes?

  Sure, I'll watch it for a few seconds.

• 57:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'll eat them, but I won't stab them.

• 57:34Will Arnett?

  How dare you?

• 57:35Speaker 03

  I'll eat them. I'll put a bolt stunner in their head and bleed them out. And then I'll grind them up. But I wouldn't want anyone in tight pants to taunt it to death.

• 57:48Will Arnett?

  Don't you, don't you, don't you, don't you drag us out to deep water? How dare you?

• 57:53Speaker 03

  Wait. It's called heritage. It's called heritage, my friend. El heritageo.

• 57:59Sean Hayes?

  I am listening to you. What's the... Yeah, that's exactly right.

• 58:02Speaker 03

  Oh, it's beautiful. Oh, beautiful. It's an art. If you could bring... I went to the bullfight. We went to the Plaza del Toro in Madrid when I was a kid with my mom. And my mom, my mom, I remember the whole time she was like, "I know I shouldn't love it. I know I shouldn't love it." But, and, and the bull, it was a bad fight. One of the, one of the, one of the, the, the, the fights was bad. The matador was bad. And my mother stood up as the bull was being dragged off and yelled, "Viva el Toro!" And I'm like, "You're from Larchmont. What is happening to you?" Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 58:37Sean Hayes?

  She was a cat, she was a Hemingway fan. That was the problem. Or the opportunity.

• 58:40Will Arnett?

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 58:42Speaker 03

  Papa, as we call it.

• 58:43Will Arnett?

  Yeah, the sun also rises.

• 58:45Speaker 03

  Are they still doing bullfighting? They are in Spain. They still are. I think pretty much have. There's, there's this Provencal bullfighting, which is, which is like on the, near, on the, in southern France, near the Spanish border. They don't hurt the bull. Uh, they taunt the bull and they run away from it. And they basically do dives to get out of its way. And between its horns, there's, there are strings tied and there are little ribbons and things. And if you get close enough to pull the ribbon off and not get hit by the bull, like that's the, that's the, that's the primo de primo.

• 59:14Will Arnett?

  The French, right, they just surrender to the bull immediately. Isn't that, isn't that the deal? They just...

• 59:18Speaker 03

  Some of them, they tell the, they tell the bull where the Jews are.

• 59:27Sean Hayes?

  Wait, what do you get if you pull a ribbon off the bowl?

• 59:30Speaker 03

  Honor.

• 59:30Sean Hayes?

  What do you get? Honor.

• 59:32Speaker 03

  Honor.

• 59:33Sean Hayes?

  And is there a receipt for that?

• 59:34Speaker 03

  Yes, there is. There is, there actually is. I have, I'll send you guys the website. I keep, I follow the season. There's a season. And then it's their teams.

• 59:42Sean Hayes?

  You really, oh, so you're into it? You're into that?

• 59:45Jason Bateman?

  Would you ever, would you ever run with the Bulls?

• 59:47Speaker 03

  Yes, I would. Oh, yeah. Yeah, my son did that. It's a very good, it's a very manly look to wear the white outfit with, it's the Feast of San Sebastian or something. I forgot what it's called.

• 59:58Sean Hayes?

  Isn't there, there's a tomato fight associated with the weekend, isn't there?

• 1:00:02Speaker 03

  That's a different, that's a different thing. That's a totally different town.

• 1:00:05Sean Hayes?

  True.

• 1:00:06Speaker 03

  That's a totally different town. No, but they do.

• 1:00:08Sean Hayes?

  I was sent a package.

• 1:00:11Speaker 03

  There's a town in Spain where they have tomato fights.

• 1:00:14Will Arnett?

  The way that you, the way that you mix up your European festivals is so fucking gross, dude.

• 1:00:19Sean Hayes?

  And then don't they throw oranges at one of them too? There's an orange top. During Oktoberfest, yeah.

• 1:00:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:00:27Sean Hayes?

  And then you drink beers. Right? That's, then you go up to Germany and you have beers? It's the same weekend.

• 1:00:32Will Arnett?

  How much time do you spend with Sedaris these days?

• 1:00:35Speaker 03

  Not enough.

• 1:00:36Will Arnett?

  Not enough.

• 1:00:36Speaker 03

  Not enough.

• 1:00:37Will Arnett?

  God, she's a treasure, isn't she?

• 1:00:38Speaker 03

  She is lovely. She is, yeah, she's just marvelous.

• 1:00:42Sean Hayes?

  That Instagram of hers, I don't know how she gets those photos.

• 1:00:46Speaker 03

  I know. Very powerful. Her birthday is coming up soon.

• 1:00:50Will Arnett?

  Well, what's amazing is how big she is on Instagram. She didn't get a cellphone until about 2018, I don't think. 2018, 2019, right? I mean, you know that too. She never had a cellphone. She had to call her at home and leave her a message.

• 1:01:02Sean Hayes?

  Oh, by the way, a friend of mine just, you know, there's, these are like new things. There's now landlines are coming back. And you can, and there's six numbers. There's like 630886 or whatever.

• 1:01:11Speaker 03

  Instead of a seven number.

• 1:01:13Sean Hayes?

  No, but, yes, correct. And it's tied to the internet in your house, but it's a landline and it can only go to a certain person. Like, right? One person, like a hotline.

• 1:01:25Speaker 03

  Only that person can pick up the phone?

• 1:01:27Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:28Speaker 03

  Like, is there a thumbprint identifier?

• 1:01:30Sean Hayes?

  I don't know.

• 1:01:31Will Arnett?

  It's like a hotline, like the old school hotline.

• 1:01:33Sean Hayes?

  Almost like a hotline, yeah. And they're, and they're getting really popular really fast.

• 1:01:37Jason Bateman?

  Do a little bit more research on that and come back.

• 1:01:39Speaker 03

  I was gonna say, that story did not pan out. Lot of excitement, lot of excitement at the beginning of that. And if we had jumped on, maybe we could have gotten that boat up on its kegs. We could have made the wave with you. But we just washed you.

• 1:01:57Sean Hayes?

  But there's nothing else to the story, other than landlines are coming back.

• 1:02:00Will Arnett?

  You know what, you should do that maybe, Stephen. What about a landline where you have like a hotline and you answer, people call it and you just stand by the phone? And you answer questions, they pay you, right? Sort of a couple bucks and then you pick up the phone and you give them like 30 seconds.

• 1:02:13Speaker 03

  I have a wealth of knowledge, ask me anything. Ask me anything. Right now, let's try it out, ask me anything. And let's see if I know anything about the subject.

• 1:02:22Jason Bateman?

  In what country and on what weekend do they do the tomato fight?

• 1:02:27Will Arnett?

  This is great.

• 1:02:28Speaker 03

  That is actually, it's not in Spain, it's in Italy, it's on the Feast of Saint Cristobal, it's on the 8th of August.

• 1:02:33Jason Bateman?

  Do you see this guy?

• 1:02:34Sean Hayes?

  Is that true?

• 1:02:35Speaker 03

  No, it's total bullshit, but that's...

• 1:02:38Will Arnett?

  But that's what you're gonna get on his hotline.

• 1:02:40Speaker 03

  And I think that'll be my podcast and it'll be called A Dangerous Thing. Because a little knowledge is a dangerous thing and I just, I answer all of your questions as with absolute confidence.

• 1:02:51Will Arnett?

  Because you have very little knowledge.

• 1:02:54Speaker 03

  I have broad but very shallow, like you cannot get your ankles wet in my level of knowledge in most things, other than the Lord of the Rings.

• 1:03:01Jason Bateman?

  It's called Good Smelling Bullshit with Stephen Colbert.

• 1:03:04Speaker 03

  That's right, then you'll know what it's like to be married to me.

• 1:03:07Will Arnett?

  Are you like, are you super into the, because you're into the Lord of the Rings and stuff, obviously. I imagine through, initially through the books, are you a big Star Wars guy? Because Sean has huge Star Wars and that whole world.

• 1:03:17Speaker 03

  I do, I do enjoy, I do enjoy the Star Wars universe. I was lucky enough, when I was 13 years old, Star Wars came out in 77. And because WTMA, the local radio station with the host Booby Nash and 1250 on your AM dial, they gave away tickets, you had to be like the fifth caller and you got four tickets to see this movie. And nobody knew what it was. It was called Star Wars. And I won, or my friend Keith Sarge, and it was me and Keith Sarge and Haskell Feudenberg and Haskell's mom, because we couldn't drive. We went to go see it, we had no idea what it was. And it was three weeks before it was released nationally.

• 1:04:02Speaker 03

  And so we went to Northwoods Mall or something and we had these. Early tastemakers. We had to stop by the radio station to pick up the tickets and there were big blue tickets that had like the Death Star on it and an X-Wing. We didn't know what any of this was. Right, right. And we wanted to keep the tickets because that would be cool. They said, no, you gotta give us the tickets. But they handed us back a big button with a star field on it that said, may the force be with you. We had no idea what that meant. But we put our pins on and we sat down. Absolutely sat, no idea what we're about to experience and then. And then. You know, there was like, you know, a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. We're like, what is that? And then, and Star Wars comes up and we were, it grabbed us by the scrotum. Like it just dragged and I was 13 and there wasn't much to grab at that point.

• 1:04:47Speaker 03

  And dragged us into the story and I, and the next day we, like the next Monday, we all went to school. And there was no explaining to anyone how everything was different now. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then three weeks later, everybody was, you know, excited. We were like, but we, we, we knew before you did.

• 1:05:04Sean Hayes?

  Did you keep any of that stuff? Do you still have any of that?

• 1:05:06Speaker 03

  I still have the button, yeah.

• 1:05:07Sean Hayes?

  You still do, of course.

• 1:05:08Speaker 03

  The button is in my workroom on the pegboard still.

• 1:05:11Sean Hayes?

  That's amazing.

• 1:05:12Will Arnett?

  Don't, Sean will hire somebody to come in. You shouldn't have said that.

• 1:05:14Speaker 03

  I have security. You had Sean a peg boy.

• 1:05:19Sean Hayes?

  Steven, I'll clean your office for you tonight if you want.

• 1:05:25Sean Hayes?

  Wait, Steven, go back to the Lord of the Rings just for two seconds and then we gotta let you go.

• 1:05:28Speaker 03

  Oh, you have no problems here, baby. What do you want to know?

• 1:05:31Sean Hayes?

  I know, but not, but like, how, how often do you watch the movies?

• 1:05:35Speaker 03

  Oh, I mean, I love the movies. I've seen them many times. Again, I, I, I saw them. Like I wrangled in any way I could to get tickets and whatever little Hollywood connections I had. But when those things came out to get in before anybody could see them, like I saw. Like the Directors Guild preview screening across town here. And um, and I've seen it many times, but I, I, and I love Peter Jackson and Philippa and Philippa Boyne and Fran Walsh.

• 1:06:05Will Arnett?

  Jason, you ever seen it?

• 1:06:07Jason Bateman?

  Which?

• 1:06:07Speaker 03

  Lord of the Rings.

• 1:06:08Will Arnett?

  Lord of the Rings.

• 1:06:09Jason Bateman?

  I don't think I've seen any of Lord of the Rings.

• 1:06:11Speaker 03

  No way. You're not, you're not shitting me, right?

• 1:06:14Jason Bateman?

  I'm not, I, I bet I, I probably saw like the first one, but I haven't, I haven't.

• 1:06:19Will Arnett?

  Let's do it at your house, David.

• 1:06:20Speaker 03

  The Return of the King.

• 1:06:22Jason Bateman?

  I was just gonna ask, what is, what is considered, between the Lord of the Rings, Star Wars and Star Trek, what is considered like the best?

• 1:06:31Speaker 03

  Well, they're all so different.

• 1:06:33Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:33Speaker 03

  The best what? Get to the, get to the noun.

• 1:06:35Jason Bateman?

  The best film. I mean, Empire Strikes Back, I guess, always.

• 1:06:37Speaker 03

  You mean in, in, in like a science fiction or fantasy genre?

• 1:06:40Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, just like quality of film and like effects and.

• 1:06:43Speaker 03

  The Lord of the Rings, that trilogy is generally considered among the cognizant in this world to be the only, the only perfect trilogy. It's perfectly executed.

• 1:06:53Jason Bateman?

  And how old are they? They're, they're, it's like 20.

• 1:06:56Speaker 03

  This is the 25th, this year is the 25th anniversary. I had Elijah Wood on last night, the 25th anniversary of the first film.

• 1:07:01Jason Bateman?

  I just read about that and he was embarrassed to say that he's yet to finish the books.

• 1:07:05Speaker 03

  He has not read the books yet. He's, he's started the books.

• 1:07:08Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, that'd be my story.

• 1:07:10Will Arnett?

  I remember I saw those at the Burlington Mall, Burlington, Massachusetts.

• 1:07:13Speaker 03

  That's a great story. And you like The Hobbit? That's a really, wait, no, I want to hear more about this story. Tell me about the Burlington Mall.

• 1:07:18Will Arnett?

  Hang on, I'm just reading an email.

• 1:07:21Speaker 03

  But I, I'll tell you what I do, I do do, and I realize I just said do do, is that I read the books constantly. Like, I love the movies. I admire so much what they did with it, um, uh, but I'm a book guy. Like I, I.

• 1:07:34Will Arnett?

  Other than those, what kind of books are you into? What do you, what do you like to read?

• 1:07:38Speaker 03

  Uh, when I was younger, I was a huge Salinger fan. I mean, when I was, I've read, I used to read a book a day when I was younger, when I had the time. And it was all science fiction and fantasy. And then, uh, uh, a lot of philosophy, a lot of, uh, religious texts, stuff like that, you know, like comparative religion texts, um, Joseph Campbell, um, a lot of poetry. I love, uh.

• 1:08:06Speaker 03

  Galway Kinnell.

• 1:08:07Will Arnett?

  Boy, I'm bummed that I asked that question.

• 1:08:09Speaker 03

  And he coming.

• 1:08:10Sean Hayes?

  This is a serious man.

• 1:08:11Speaker 03

  And Mary Oliver, Mary Oliver, you ever read any Mary Oliver?

• 1:08:14Will Arnett?

  No, I'm much more sort of in, in fiction, I'm really into like noir and stuff like that. And I was gonna say, Len Dayton died yesterday, the great Len Dayton, who wrote, I don't know if you guys are into any of that stuff. No? Okay.

• 1:08:25Sean Hayes?

  No.

• 1:08:27Speaker 03

  Well, we'll just shut up.

• 1:08:29Will Arnett?

  Stephen Colbert, let me just look at my notes here really quickly.

• 1:08:33Sean Hayes?

  Any, any questions for Stephen?

• 1:08:35Will Arnett?

  Not a question.

• 1:08:36Speaker 03

  Is there a, is there a second question?

• 1:08:38Will Arnett?

  No, there's not really a second question.

• 1:08:41Speaker 03

  Stephen, for the 300th guest.

• 1:08:44Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:44Speaker 03

  Like, this is such a special thing. That you are. That's an hour, that's a wrap. It's a wrap, check the gate.

• 1:08:50Will Arnett?

  We just wanna play with you more, we just wanna.

• 1:08:53Speaker 03

  I'll have more time, you know, in June.

• 1:08:56Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, we're gonna clear a seat for you.

• 1:08:57Speaker 03

  Please invite me back every, what was it, been five years since I was on?

• 1:09:00Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:01Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:01Will Arnett?

  Oh, no, almost six years.

• 1:09:03Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 1:09:04Will Arnett?

  Cause you were on early, it's been almost six years.

• 1:09:05Speaker 03

  So, please, let's see in six years, this has been so fun.

• 1:09:08Sean Hayes?

  But truly, but truly, Stephen, for, for such a special thing for our 300th episode, it's really, really cool.

• 1:09:14Speaker 03

  So, I didn't know this is 300th, what an honor to be, to be on such a milestone. Who did you have for 200? Who'd you have for 200? Do you remember?

• 1:09:21Will Arnett?

  The Pope, he answered us, we have the Pope.

• 1:09:23Speaker 03

  Francis?

• 1:09:24Sean Hayes?

  Pretty quickly.

• 1:09:25Will Arnett?

  That was an incoming from him.

• 1:09:30Will Arnett?

  I don't remember, we, but we knew, but it is true, it was a big deal, we wanted to have you and we, we went out of our way to make sure that, you know, that you were our 300th guest. And you're just a delight in everything you do. I, I, I'm a, as you know, I'm a fan, you're, not only are you a great guy, I'm such a fan of what you do, I've always kind of looked up to you, you're so funny and great and gracious and cool and all of it.

• 1:09:52Speaker 03

  Thanks, you guys, well, this is, this was the, this was, the reason why I came on is that, you hadn't been on very long, but every one of these I heard, I thought, that sounds like enormous fun to go on. And I, I, I underplayed how fun it is to talk to you guys, I admire what you guys have built, you finally found what you should be doing.

• 1:10:15Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:17Speaker 03

  And I'm happy for you, you know, just hold on to it tight, hold on to it tight. Hey man. Don't take it for granted.

• 1:10:22Will Arnett?

  We're gripping, we're gripping so tight. We are gripping so tight.

• 1:10:26Sean Hayes?

  And the listeners can feel it.

• 1:10:29Speaker 03

  Thanks you guys. Thank you, man.

• 1:10:31Jason Bateman?

  Have a great rest of your day.

• 1:10:32Speaker 03

  Have a good show.

• 1:10:32Will Arnett?

  Thank you, pal.

• 1:10:33Speaker 03

  Bye.

• 1:10:33Jason Bateman?

  Bye, buddy.

• 1:10:38Jason Bateman?

  Well, I tell you, it's the talk show hosts, they, they'd never fail, always the best guests.

• 1:10:43Will Arnett?

  God, he's funny. I haven't laughed that hard in so long.

• 1:10:48Sean Hayes?

  I know, he is fucking funny, man.

• 1:10:50Will Arnett?

  It's just unbelievable.

• 1:10:51Jason Bateman?

  And it went by in three seconds.

• 1:10:53Will Arnett?

  I know.

• 1:10:53Sean Hayes?

  I know. I could talk to him about Lord of the Rings for nine hours.

• 1:10:57Jason Bateman?

  I know you could, Angel.

• 1:10:58Will Arnett?

  Yeah, I know.

• 1:10:59Jason Bateman?

  Hey, will you, will you, will you come over and show me one of those?

• 1:11:02Sean Hayes?

  Yes, yes, please. I would love to do that.

• 1:11:05Jason Bateman?

  Now, now, but, but, but, but, but if I'm gonna like see a Lord of the Rings film, a Harry Potter film, a Star Trek film, or a Star Wars film, like, which would be like the greatest cinema?

• 1:11:16Will Arnett?

  I don't know, Star Trek, I don't think is in the same, you know, all due respect, I think that's kind of a different.

• 1:11:20Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, it is. He's a huge Star Trek fan, but I'm not.

• 1:11:23Jason Bateman?

  Well, so like, which, which is like the best film, right? I get they're all great movies, but like, is there like a real cinematic, like, Harry Potter's got some incredible production design.

• 1:11:34Will Arnett?

  Of course, of course, but I think, I think that what you're looking for would be Lord of the Rings. Those movies are cinematically incredible.

• 1:11:40Sean Hayes?

  Beautiful. It's like, they're like, they're like, um, you know, what's that big movie that Spielberg was inspired by? That's super famous, old, old, old movie that was sweeping and.

• 1:11:51Will Arnett?

  Lawrence of Arabia?

• 1:11:52Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, Lawrence of Arabia. It's kind of like that. It's like scope and huge, which, it's really incredible.

• 1:11:57Will Arnett?

  I've heard that Sony's got an incredible 70 millimeter print of Lawrence of Arabia.

• 1:12:04Sean Hayes?

  Oh, really?

• 1:12:04Will Arnett?

  Yeah, and that we should bother them and go and ask Tom Rothman if we can go watch it.

• 1:12:07Sean Hayes?

  I've never seen it.

• 1:12:08Will Arnett?

  It's supposed to be amazing. It's supposed to be incredible.

• 1:12:10Jason Bateman?

  Well, let's go.

• 1:12:11Will Arnett?

  I know.

• 1:12:11Jason Bateman?

  Let's go today.

• 1:12:13Will Arnett?

  Let's go today. Um, guys, how insane that we've done 300 episodes. A lot of people say it feels like we've done 600.

• 1:12:22Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:24Will Arnett?

  And, uh, yeah, but, but to have Stephen on really just so special and, and I, I want to say, I love doing this. With you guys so much. This is such a joy.

• 1:12:34Jason Bateman?

  Back at you, buddy.

• 1:12:35Will Arnett?

  It's never a, it's never an obligation.

• 1:12:37Jason Bateman?

  Always so fun. It's never hard.

• 1:12:39Sean Hayes?

  We're so lucky, and I'm just gonna say that, I'm gonna piggyback on that, and just say, I love you guys. I'm so lucky. We're like, family and brothers, and I just, I love ya.

• 1:12:49Jason Bateman?

  Love you right back.

• 1:12:50Will Arnett?

  I love both of you guys so much, so, so much. You're really important to me.

• 1:12:53Jason Bateman?

  Thank you for the gift of your friendship and this partnership, truly.

• 1:12:57Sean Hayes?

  Likewise. Well, with that, I think I've overstayed my...

• 1:13:02Will Arnett?

  I will say this, I will say this.

• 1:13:03Jason Bateman?

  Oh, here it goes.

• 1:13:04Will Arnett?

  We've found, we've made a great connection in this life.

• 1:13:08Jason Bateman?

  He's feeling confident about this one.

• 1:13:09Will Arnett?

  The three of us, and, and you know, you've been out there. Connections like these are really, really, really hard to come.

• 1:13:18Sean Hayes?

  Bye!

• 1:13:23Will Arnett?

  300. Smart. Less.

• 1:13:31Will Arnett?

  Smart. Less.

• 1:13:37Will Arnett?

  Smartless is 100% organic and artisanally handcrafted by Bennett Barbaco, Michael Grant Terry, and Rob Armjarf.

• 1:13:49Will Arnett?

  Smart. Less.