"RE-RELEASE: Chelsea Handler"

Handler!? You hardly even knew 'er! But now you're gonna, on a wild ride through pinky rings, $2000 cab rides, and nasal swabs on first dates... with none other than Chelsea Handler. Can you even handler it!? This episode was originally released on 10/18/2021.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Sean Hayes?

  This episode of Smartless is sponsored by Google Book. So the other day, I wanted to make invitations for my dog Ricky's birthday party. And I've got three things open on my laptop. An adorable photo of Ricky, a picture of a birthday cake, and the RSVP details. Thing is, as much as I look like one, I'm not a canine birthday party invitation designer. That's where Google Book comes in. It's a whole new kind of laptop with a feature called Magic Pointer. I just click the photos and different elements on my screen, and boom, Magic Pointer designs a customized birthday party invitation for Ricky. Click anything on your screen to create whatever you want. Visit googlebook.com. Available to 18-plus users.

• 0:44Sean Hayes?

  Compatibility and availability vary.

• 0:49Jason Bateman?

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• 1:30Sean Hayes?

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• 2:09Speaker 02

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• 2:41Will Arnett?

  Sean.

• 2:42Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 2:42Will Arnett?

  I gotta tell you something.

• 2:43Jason Bateman?

  Okay.

• 2:44Will Arnett?

  Really important.

• 2:44Jason Bateman?

  Okay.

• 2:45Will Arnett?

  We're recording right now.

• 2:46Jason Bateman?

  Yes, yes, yes, yes.

• 2:46Will Arnett?

  The show is starting.

• 2:47Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it hasn't started, but it's...

• 2:49Will Arnett?

  And this is, this is the show.

• 2:50Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, but it hasn't technically started.

• 2:51Will Arnett?

  No, but this is, no, of course it started, because it's rolling.

• 2:54Jason Bateman?

  I know, but this isn't the show. This is the part before the show.

• 2:55Will Arnett?

  Of course it is. No, this is the show.

• 2:57Jason Bateman?

  No.

• 2:58Will Arnett?

  Sean, stop waiting for your life to start, man. You're in it. This is Smartless.

• 3:20Sean Hayes?

  Hey, you know what I did last night? I didn't even tell you guys. I went to the John Williams concert at the Hollywood Bowl.

• 3:24Jason Bateman?

  Oh, this sounds awesome.

• 3:25Will Arnett?

  Oh, no kidding. Now I know why you didn't tell us.

• 3:27Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 3:29Sean Hayes?

  Come on, John Williams. Let me tell you something.

• 3:31Jason Bateman?

  Are you still up? I mean, it sounds like a rager.

• 3:34Sean Hayes?

  It was amazing. Here's this guy, John Williams, amazing conductor. He's 89 years old.

• 3:38Will Arnett?

  I know.

• 3:39Sean Hayes?

  Getting out there, conducting all of the better, all of the songs we love. E.T., Raiders of the Lost Ark, Star Wars, all this new stuff. It was incredible.

• 3:48Jason Bateman?

  I wanted to go to that. Now, did he do a lot of the conducting?

• 3:51Sean Hayes?

  No. He did the second half. Yeah, the first half was David Newman.

• 3:53Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 3:54Sean Hayes?

  Who's also great. But it was, it was amazing. I know, I nerded out.

• 3:59Jason Bateman?

  The Mozart night that you sent me, I'm so bummed I'm not here for.

• 4:02Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, I said, Jay, let's go see Mozart at the Hollywood Bowl.

• 4:04Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, Sean and I are gonna have a classical music date.

• 4:06Sean Hayes?

  Under the stars.

• 4:07Will Arnett?

  Jason, originally you said yes, you thought, because you thought it was, the thing was cutting out, you thought it was Mozzarella. And you were like, yes, I'm in. And then it turned out it was Mozart. You're like, ah, not as interested.

• 4:18Sean Hayes?

  He's like fried mozzarella.

• 4:19Jason Bateman?

  It's the greatest granddad joke you've done.

• 4:22Sean Hayes?

  Guys, today's guest.

• 4:24Will Arnett?

  Okay, oh, get down to business, Sean.

• 4:26Sean Hayes?

  She's an amazing woman. I love her. She's a friend of all of ours, and boy, does she make me laugh. She's been a stand-up comedian, basically, her whole life.

• 4:34Jason Bateman?

  Less red, Sean, less red. Try to find the words.

• 4:37Sean Hayes?

  I don't know how to do it without reading it.

• 4:38Jason Bateman?

  And boy, do I love her. She is our...

• 4:44Sean Hayes?

  I do love her. She's...

• 4:46Will Arnett?

  She means so much to us.

• 4:49Sean Hayes?

  She's done everything. She's done specials, acting gigs, hosting. She does everything. Here's what I love. She's opinionated, she's fearless, she's hilarious, she's gorgeous, and gay men can't get enough of her.

• 4:58Jason Bateman?

  Really?

• 4:58Sean Hayes?

  It's my friend and our friend, Chelsea Handler.

• 5:02Jason Bateman?

  Chelsea!

• 5:03Will Arnett?

  Oh, my God.

• 5:04Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah!

• 5:05Jason Bateman?

  Chelsea!

• 5:07Will Arnett?

  There she is.

• 5:08Speaker 04

  All right, white guys, in one room.

• 5:10Sean Hayes?

  That's right. We're gonna get some more to join us later.

• 5:13Jason Bateman?

  Look at you.

• 5:14Sean Hayes?

  Where are you, Chelsea? Are you at home?

• 5:16Speaker 04

  I am in my office. No, I'm in Las Vegas, actually. I had a show here last night.

• 5:21Sean Hayes?

  Because you're on tour.

• 5:22Speaker 04

  I'm on tour, so, yeah.

• 5:23Sean Hayes?

  What name is... What's the name of the tour again? The unvaccinated what?

• 5:27Speaker 04

  No, it's called Vaccinated and Horny, Sean.

• 5:29Sean Hayes?

  Yes.

• 5:30Speaker 04

  We came up with that together, so I appreciate a little respect. Yes.

• 5:33Sean Hayes?

  That's right, we came up with it together.

• 5:34Speaker 04

  Vaccinated and Ready to Rumble.

• 5:37Jason Bateman?

  Is there a subtitle that says, "Everybody should get a little prick"?

• 5:40Speaker 04

  Uh, no, it's just "The Tip" is the subtitle. But thank you for your... I love to spitball with you guys.

• 5:46Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, let's workshop it.

• 5:47Speaker 04

  After we already named the tour, so, yes, let's keep doing that.

• 5:50Will Arnett?

  Chelsea, thanks for joining us, and thank you for bringing up the Jason's Punch-Ups that he's obviously trying to give you.

• 5:58Speaker 04

  I love Jason's Punch-Ups, always.

• 6:00Jason Bateman?

  They're cheap. So are you staying in Vegas for a while, or is it just one of the stops there?

• 6:06Speaker 04

  No, I just had a stop here. I'm headed to... I have... I'm just on tour, so it's, you know, different cities every day. Next, uh, just all over the country, all the places you want to go. Cincinnati.

• 6:16Jason Bateman?

  Sure.

• 6:16Speaker 04

  Uh, Grand Rapids, Michigan, places like that. Florida, Jacksonville.

• 6:21Sean Hayes?

  Do you like constantly moving and touring? Like, does it get... Or do you miss home base and being still?

• 6:26Jason Bateman?

  She's like a shark. She can't stop.

• 6:27Speaker 04

  Yeah, no, I'm over. I like to, I don't like to sit still for very long. Shawn came with me on tour once, last year, two years ago, was it?

• 6:35Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, it was so fun.

• 6:37Speaker 04

  Yeah, you complained the entire time.

• 6:39Will Arnett?

  I did. Well, tell us.

• 6:40Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, let's hear it.

• 6:41Speaker 04

  Oh, it was such a pain in the ass.

• 6:43Jason Bateman?

  Was he in like an opening act, or was he choreographer? What was he doing on the tour?

• 6:46Sean Hayes?

  No, no, this is, no, no, I, I, I read Chelsea's book, Life Will Be the Death of Me, mostly because Chelsea called me and asked me to go on tour with her and chat about it. And she said, but she said, you actually have to read the book.

• 6:57Jason Bateman?

  Oh, boy.

• 6:58Sean Hayes?

  So I read the book.

• 6:59Will Arnett?

  So you had to learn how to read, so you had to learn how to read, then you had to get the book.

• 7:03Jason Bateman?

  Top to bottom, left to right.

• 7:04Sean Hayes?

  I was, you know what I was when I read that book? I was like enlightened, like you taught me things. I brought up with you on the tour, it was incre, I was filled with insight about who you are and why you are, all those things. And in the book, you talk about your, you know, one of the things you talk about in that book was that your brother passed away when you were like nine, and he was older than you. And obviously, you know, I want to ask you this, you know, something like that never leaves you and has a tremendous impact on a child of that age. But for those of us who haven't suffered like a loss like that as a child, how did that inform you going further, like through your teenage years and adulthood? And does that still inform you in certain ways?

• 7:44Speaker 04

  Well, I think, you know, when it happens, you're just like, you're a nine-year-old person, so you can't even really articulate what's happening or digest it in any real way. It just feels like abandonment or rejection. So you kind of pack it away and then just distract yourself for the next 35 years. And, and till it fucking comes and taps you on the shoulder, and then you have to address it with a professional. Like, once your anger stops working for you in that way, and you become too angry, which is what happened to me, then you, you, you sit down with somebody and you're like, you pay somebody to tell you what the fuck is wrong with you, right? That's, that's a transaction I like therapy. You're paying someone to tell you, you know, why you're acting like such a cunt. So it was a process of just understanding

• 8:27Speaker 04

  that many of my behaviors were a reaction to what happened to me as a little girl and the inability to ever really healthily deal with that. Digest it kind of turns you into maybe somebody that you're not. And or maybe it is your personality, but it makes you kind of assess yourself.

• 8:46Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 8:47Speaker 04

  You want to you. It's the gift of self-awareness. You want to reflect and go, oh, wait, is this why I'm so impulsive? Is this why I don't want to be, you know, this is why I love being single? And I don't have to depend on anybody, you know, all of that stuff.

• 8:59Sean Hayes?

  All that stuff. Yeah.

• 8:59Speaker 04

  So.

• 9:00Sean Hayes?

  Well, I think it's amazing, though, because, yeah, all that.

• 9:02Speaker 04

  I'm sorry. Did you want to interrupt me again, Sean? I mean, for fuck's sake.

• 9:06Sean Hayes?

  So sorry.

• 9:07Speaker 04

  Jesus.

• 9:07Sean Hayes?

  You know, I live for it. I live for you. OK, so keep going. Sorry.

• 9:11Speaker 04

  But I want to. Well, we were talking about that because so Sean came to Chicago, the Chicago Theater, right?

• 9:16Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 9:17Speaker 04

  We performed at or you interviewed me at and the whole time he was just like, you know, complaining about the flight out and he had to bring Scotty, of course, which is obviously an added bonus. Anytime you have to deal with Sean, it's better to have Scotty around.

• 9:31Sean Hayes?

  Amen.

• 9:31Speaker 04

  Because it's like his nanny.

• 9:32Sean Hayes?

  This is true.

• 9:33Speaker 04

  And we we had a great conversation on stage, right?

• 9:37Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, it was so fun.

• 9:38Speaker 04

  Yeah, we had a great time. And then you just kept asking me how much I was going to reimburse you for the trip.

• 9:43Sean Hayes?

  Right.

• 9:44Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 9:44Sean Hayes?

  By the way, still waiting.

• 9:45Will Arnett?

  How much you make and how much you got when you sold your house?

• 9:47Speaker 04

  Yeah, he loves to talk about money.

• 9:49Sean Hayes?

  I love it. I love it.

• 9:50Will Arnett?

  It's crazy.

• 9:51Sean Hayes?

  Money makes the world go around. I like to know how it makes the world.

• 9:54Jason Bateman?

  Speaking of money, when you're in Vegas, are you are? Do you like the tables? Do you like the slots? You got a loose slot that you you prefer?

• 10:01Speaker 04

  Yeah, I play blackjack a lot, although Will, Will and I were in Vegas once and we played craps. I had never played craps before. And that was fun because Will knew how to play craps. And your other friend, what was your friend's name, Will?

• 10:12Will Arnett?

  Beast, Mark Foreman.

• 10:13Speaker 04

  Beast, yes, Beast.

• 10:15Will Arnett?

  Yeah. You lent him money. In fact, he was like, he worked for me at the time and he still does. Works with me, but now, but he had no money and he was like, no, I don't want to. And you're like, take some money. Chelsea just grabbed, pushed some of her chips over to him like, you're a beast. Just take this. And he was like, oh, my God, what the hell? This fucking.

• 10:32Sean Hayes?

  Now, Chelsea, when we worked on tour too, I was I'm just fascinated with your family and your upbringing because there's some crossover into mine too about how kind of just screwed up it was. But I remember you telling me that your mom, no, no, wait, your dad was is Jewish and your mom was Mormon, right?

• 10:53Speaker 04

  My mom was Mormon and my dad is Jewish, yeah.

• 10:55Sean Hayes?

  So what, so what religion was, was forced upon you, if any, growing up? And did you?

• 11:01Speaker 04

  Well, not fucking Mormon, because we all told my mom to take a long walk off of a long pier. And we didn't take that seriously. Once I realized, I, we broke it down. My dad was the dominating person in that marriage. And my mom was German, so she came over after the war. So we weren't about to take anything seriously that she said. You know what I mean?

• 11:20Sean Hayes?

  Uh huh, right.

• 11:20Speaker 04

  He was Jewish and she was gonna just shut up about being German for a long time, until things blew over from World War II. So, uh, we-

• 11:29Will Arnett?

  Did she marry him out of guilt? What happened?

• 11:33Speaker 04

  I think, I think maybe that had something. They had a quite a love affair, my parents. He met her in a ski store. He was buying ski socks.

• 11:41Sean Hayes?

  Sure.

• 11:41Speaker 04

  And he saw her legs.

• 11:42Sean Hayes?

  Just the socks.

• 11:43Will Arnett?

  No way.

• 11:43Speaker 04

  Yeah, just the socks. He didn't ski either. He just went in there to buy a size 12 pair of socks or something like that, you know? Anyway, they had a love affair. My mother agreed to raise all her children Jewish. So I thought my mom was Jewish until my brother died. And then it was a big thing, because you know, in Judaism, Jews all have to be buried in a Jewish cemetery together.

• 12:04Sean Hayes?

  Right.

• 12:05Speaker 04

  So when they had to buy my, like, a plot of graves when my brother died, and they wanted to buy one for both of my parents. And I remember our rabbi was at our house and he's like, Rita, my mother, isn't Jewish. She can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery. And I was like, that was the first I had heard of it. And I was like, what do you mean, mom's not Jewish? What is mom? And, you know, I was nine, so nobody really took my feelings seriously or into account. They just thought, she doesn't really understand what's going on. And, um, and then when my mom did pass away, she never converted to Judaism. She was Mormon. Like, she wore the undergarments. She had missionaries at her house all the time. And so when she did pass away, my dad was like, listen, we have to have, you know,

• 12:47Speaker 04

  we're having a Jewish funeral for your mother, so that she can be buried next to your brother. And we're like, dad, this is such bullshit. Like, all of her Mormon friends are coming to the funeral. Like, they're all at our house. We can't do that. He's like, don't make eye contact with any of those people, okay? We just have to get through the funeral and get her in the ground. And I was like, my family was so fucked up, we couldn't even get funerals, right?

• 13:07Jason Bateman?

  Oh my god.

• 13:08Will Arnett?

  What a crazy world. Imagine, here is somebody, she's your mom, he's, she's your dad's wife. Everybody loves her. Your dad has these feelings, he wants her to be buried next to her son. Like, all this fucking, like, it's all about love and love of people, and there's fucking religion, whether, whichever one it is, take your pick, sticking his fucking nose in, and ruining the experience of people who are just fucking grieving and in love with each other, and that is such fucking bullshit. Like, that is fuck, that is crazy.

• 13:37Speaker 04

  Yeah. Well, what's crazier is that he was naked in our kitchen a week later with his cleaning lady. So he obviously took my mom's death very hard.

• 13:44Jason Bateman?

  But his feet were warm all bet, right? Did he keep, just the socks?

• 13:47Speaker 04

  Yeah, he had his socks on.

• 13:48Jason Bateman?

  Yep.

• 13:49Speaker 04

  Yeah, he had his socks on. That's where, yeah, that's where.

• 13:52Will Arnett?

  He took your mom's death semi-hard.

• 13:54Jason Bateman?

  Nice.

• 13:55Will Arnett?

  I heard. The rumor was, the rumor was.

• 13:57Speaker 04

  Right into his socks.

• 13:59Jason Bateman?

  Now, what, did you, what about, any of the Mormon stuff make its way into the house? Or is it more like, if the, if the father is a Mormon, then there's a lot of wives around and kids around? Or, or do you come from a big family? How dare you. First of all, how dare you? I'm not sure. I'm rusty on all this stuff.

• 14:17Speaker 04

  On Mormonism?

• 14:18Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, well, we actually lived in Salt Lake City for a while, so I do, I know it sort of, kind of, but not, not really. Anyway.

• 14:26Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's kind of adjacent to a lot of people, like, a lot of us. We kind of know a little bit. I remember I read the Book of Mormon. My mom, because my mom got religious after my brother died. You know, everybody handles their grief like that. Like, people get sick, they get religious, they get angry, they hide it away. My mom got really back involved with the church. Because before that, she was just carrying on like a Jewish mother. Like, at all of our bat mitzvahs and bar mitzvahs, my brothers and sisters, I'm one of six kids. My mom would be on the bima at, you know, at the temple, singing Hebrew prayers. So when I found out she wasn't Jewish, I was like, wait, what? So it was very confusing. But my mom converted my one sister, Shoshana, she became Mormon too.

• 15:06Speaker 04

  She's now finally recovering from that. But I remember reading the Book of Mormon when I was, like, 11.

• 15:12Jason Bateman?

  How does the Mormon church? Even allow a Shoshana in there. Shoshana should be.

• 15:17Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, right.

• 15:18Jason Bateman?

  He can't get through the door.

• 15:19Speaker 04

  They'll take anyone. Exactly. There's no prerequisite.

• 15:23Sean Hayes?

  Charles, were your parents like, kind of a boring question, but I'm interested. Were your parents supportive in you going to comedy or the entertainment business at all? Were they like, what are you doing? I don't understand why you're going there.

• 15:35Speaker 04

  No, my parents, when I left, you don't understand the kind, I was a hell on wheels when I grew up. I was just, whatever anybody told me to do, I did the opposite and told them to fuck off, you know? Teachers, any authority, like, authority figures, both of my parents. So by the time I moved to LA, I think I was 19 years old when I came out to LA. And they were just like, this is the right thing. You should go. Everyone was so over me and my family that they were happy I was leaving. And I was telling my, I was telling the story the other day, my brother, I was driving cross country. My dad was a used car dealer. So he gave me this like Audi Quattro. This used Audi Quattro, which I knew was going to break down as soon as I got across country, if I even made it.

• 16:15Speaker 04

  And my brother, being as protect, you know, protective, overprotective, said, why don't you? I met this bartender last night in a bar, and he wants to go across country too. Why don't you drive with him across country?

• 16:30Sean Hayes?

  Smart.

• 16:31Speaker 04

  So you're not alone.

• 16:32Sean Hayes?

  Oh, my God.

• 16:32Speaker 04

  And I was like, hmm. And he goes, it's safer that way, Chelsea. And I was like, yeah, but this isn't a great endorsement. I mean, you just met this guy last night at a bar. But of course, I was like, sure. So I pick up the guy.

• 16:46Sean Hayes?

  And his name was Andy Dick.

• 16:48Jason Bateman?

  Andy Dick.

• 16:49Speaker 04

  Yeah, it was Andy Dick, actually. It was David Spade and Andy Dick.

• 16:54Sean Hayes?

  He was two guys. The guy was two guys.

• 16:56Speaker 04

  It was twins. I was like, are you guys, oh my God, he said one guy and they just started multiplying. And the guy says to me, he goes, hey, do you want to go get some coke in the city for the trip? And I was 19, and this was before I had discovered, you know?

• 17:13Sean Hayes?

  Was it Bateman that you picked up?

• 17:15Speaker 04

  It wasn't. I do like Bateman's cocaine stories, but it wasn't him.

• 17:18Sean Hayes?

  Guys, let her do the big reveal. All right? You're jumping ahead.

• 17:24Speaker 04

  And the guy goes, let's get some coke. And I was like, uh, all right. So we drive into New York City. He picks up his coke, right? We, we're in the car. I don't even know if I had ever done cocaine at this point in my life. And I, we, we get in the car and we're driving. It's like a five hour drive. We left from New Jersey and I think we ended up somewhere in Maryland because we were heading down south to go down that, whatever route it is.

• 17:46Jason Bateman?

  Right.

• 17:47Speaker 04

  And we get to a hotel room, we get two beds and we get, we check in and he starts doing the coke. And I was like, really? The first night? I was like, what, how's this gonna work? And then he got maps out.

• 17:59Jason Bateman?

  Sure.

• 18:00Speaker 04

  This was before, you know, our cell phones and everything. He got maps out and he was laying them all across the room while he was snorting coke and trying to figure out different routes that we could take. And I was like, oh my fucking god.

• 18:10Jason Bateman?

  Sounds like a great night.

• 18:11Sean Hayes?

  He should have laid down the coke in the route.

• 18:13Speaker 04

  Happening. And it was so annoying and he wouldn't shut up. He just kept talking and talking. I go, dude, you gotta stop talking. I have to sleep. I'm driving. Clearly, you're never gonna be able to drive again because there's a pound of cocaine in our room. And you're either, and, and then I was like, is, what if he dies on my watch? So I go to sleep.

• 18:33Jason Bateman?

  He first. Did he try to kiss you then?

• 18:34Speaker 04

  Yeah, of course. Yeah. I go to sleep. I woke up. He was inside of me.

• 18:38Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 18:38Speaker 04

  So I go to sleep.

• 18:42Jason Bateman?

  Bet it wasn't hard, though.

• 18:47Speaker 04

  I wake up and he's still up from the night before with the maps. And he's like, I think we could go this way and I think we go this way. And I was like, there's no way this is happening. So I take my suitcase. I go, hey, I wanna go put our stuff in the car. I take both of our suitcases. I leave, leave his right outside our room. And I take mine. I put it in the trunk and I just pulled out of that like Maryland hotel that we were in. And drove the rest of the way across country by myself and left him about five hours out.

• 19:15Sean Hayes?

  Yes. Ever hear from him again?

• 19:17Speaker 04

  My brother was like, once I got to California, I was like, you, thanks a lot for that idiot. And he goes, I heard you left him in Maryland. I was like, yeah, I did. And he said, yeah, he had to take a taxi all the way back. He said it was $2,000.

• 19:33Sean Hayes?

  By the way, telling the taxi driver where to go and which route is best.

• 19:38Speaker 04

  What a fucking. Yeah, that taxi driver, it was probably, yeah, that taxi driver was like, actually, it was $500 until you started talking. So now it's $2,000.

• 19:48Sean Hayes?

  And we will be right back.

• 19:51Sean Hayes?

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• 20:33Sean Hayes?

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• 20:45Sean Hayes?

  Instagram teen accounts have automatic protections on by default. Built-in content settings for the content teens can see, contact limits for who can contact them, and time management tools like daily time limits and sleep mode. Teens are automatically placed into teen accounts, and teens under 16 will need a parent's permission to change any of these settings to be less strict. Instagram will continue adding built-in safety features to help create age-appropriate experiences. Learn more about teen accounts and Instagram's ongoing work to protect teens online at instagram.com/teenaccounts.

• 21:28Jason Bateman?

  This episode of Smartless is brought to you in part by SkinnyPop popcorn. So I think one of the great journeys in life is finding the snack that's right for you. You know, and it's constantly changing, but what is constant is the love of popcorn. I think that we all have. So finding a snack that tastes great and feels like a solid choice should not be more complicated than solving a 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzle. SkinnyPop popcorn, made with simple quality ingredients, always satisfies. No overthinking required. No jigsaw puzzle assembly required. It's a no-brainer.

• 22:12Jason Bateman?

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• 22:58Sean Hayes?

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• 23:33Jason Bateman?

  And now, back to the show. So when you got out to LA, you're 19 years old.

• 23:37Will Arnett?

  Yeah, you pull in, you're on the fucking freeway. Where do you go?

• 23:40Jason Bateman?

  What's the first stop? What'd you want to do?

• 23:43Speaker 04

  I just wanted people to hear. I just felt like I had strong opinions and I thought I had a lot of misplaced confidence and I believed that people would benefit from hearing what I had to say. Like, I really believed that my own thoughts were valuable and that I was gonna make a contribution in some way. I think I was just thirsty, you know, for the attention, to be honest. That's just basically what it was. But I wanted to make it into something a little bit more sophisticated or, you know. And then I lived with my aunt and uncle, who lived on Beverly Glen. They had nine children. And I became their kind of nanny and I would drive these kids to school every morning in a minivan while I was listening to Stern. And I just started waiting tables and then I was like, alright, what the fuck am I gonna

• 24:28Speaker 04

  do out here? Like, how am I gonna get discovered? Like, I just assumed somebody would see me and be like, oh, okay, come with us.

• 24:35Jason Bateman?

  And what was first? Did you just, did you go to the Comedy Store? Did you go to the improv? Did you, like, get an agent? What was first?

• 24:42Speaker 04

  Well, I went to, I got a DUI when I was 21 years old.

• 24:46Will Arnett?

  Unusual route.

• 24:47Jason Bateman?

  Good start.

• 24:48Will Arnett?

  Unusual.

• 24:48Speaker 04

  Yes, unusual and unexpected, quite frankly. And I'd like to note that I have never had one since because I like to learn my lesson the first time and make it the last time. But anyway, I got my DUI and I had to go to DUI classes, which is basically a system that they put you in where they teach you how to get out of your next DUI. So they tell you, like, if you get pulled over the minute you say you've had something to drink, you're screwed. Like, you always have to say no, deny, deny, deny. And I was like, wait, what is this class? You're just basically teaching us how to avoid getting arrested again and it's being paid for by the state.

• 25:24Jason Bateman?

  Right.

• 25:24Speaker 04

  And then everyone had to get up and tell their DUI story. And so I was really, really scared because I didn't like public speaking and I didn't know. So I would just kind of hide in the back of the class every week, like, don't fucking pick on me. I don't know what I'm gonna say. I don't know what my story is. And on the very last- Last class, he was out of people. And I had to get up and I remember just like, you know, when you're so nervous, your like leg is shaking. And I just was like, oh, my God. And I got up there and I started telling my story. And everyone just started laughing and laughing because like I called the cop racist. We were both white, you know, everything I did. I I was in Sybil Brand County Jail for like 24 hours because you could. They couldn't get me out of the system until they got me into the system.

• 26:07Speaker 04

  And here I am, this, you know, white, entitled little Jersey Jewish girl who was like, what? Sybil Brand, I just found the biggest, fattest black woman I could find. And I was like, let's be friends. And um, after that, after I spoke and I did that, people were like, you should do stand up. And then I thought, oh, that's a great idea. I should do stand up. You know, you on stage alone with a microphone is exactly what you're after.

• 26:31Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 26:31Speaker 04

  So that's when I started doing stand up. So I I do credit that DUI class with giving me the idea because people, if people hadn't said that to me, I don't know that I would have thought about doing stand up on my own.

• 26:41Sean Hayes?

  But it's interesting that it was in there. It was in there before you got up there. You just didn't, you just needed some kind of something to pull it out of you. Yeah.

• 26:48Speaker 04

  Yeah, a little outlet to pull it out of me.

• 26:50Will Arnett?

  Did you ever think about tracking down that police officer who busted you and thanking him for your career?

• 26:56Speaker 04

  No, I haven't thought about that. I was waiting for, I was actually gonna wait for you to do that, Will. Is that something you feel comfortable doing?

• 27:04Will Arnett?

  Of course I do, of course.

• 27:06Sean Hayes?

  So Charles, you know, it's, it seems like in like the last decade or so, you've been, you've gone from your unbelievably hilarious stand up to, and television shows, where, you know, your humor comes out of, from everything from like observational comedy to friends and family, everything in between. But then a shift happened where you got into kind of more political and world issues that mattered to you and that you still feel passionate about. And what was that turning point for you? Was there an event or something that, that, you know, shifted your focus a little bit?

• 27:37Speaker 04

  Yeah, it was called the election, Sean, of 2016.

• 27:39Sean Hayes?

  No, I didn't know if it was before that. I didn't know if it was before that.

• 27:42Speaker 04

  No, I mean, that just really got me to a place where I just thought, oh, God, America's gonna be over.

• 27:47Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 27:48Speaker 04

  Like, we're a passe.

• 27:49Sean Hayes?

  And that's when your book, and that's when you wrote your book and, and...

• 27:51Speaker 04

  Yeah, so that was, like, I went through a really difficult time. It was after, right, as my Netflix show was ending and I, I, that's when I got into therapy and I was just so, it was like, you know, they say your anger, everything works for you until it doesn't, right?

• 28:04Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 28:05Speaker 04

  And that was kind of when everything came to a head for me, where I was emotionally just like, oh, I need to get some help here. Like, I'm not doing great anymore. And what was working for me before isn't working for me now. So there was a big shift in that, and I got really political, you know, and people got really annoyed by that. And I was, but I felt like I had to. I just couldn't be quiet about that. I just couldn't.

• 28:26Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 28:26Speaker 04

  It's like, if you don't say something, then what does that say about you?

• 28:30Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 28:30Speaker 04

  And I, and I'm not like that, you know? I wish I could shut up sometimes.

• 28:33Sean Hayes?

  And before that, it, it, you weren't just as, I don't know, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but like, in tune to politics, or you weren't as affected by them in that way? Is that, is that fair?

• 28:45Speaker 04

  No, I was attuned to politics. It's attuned, not in tune. And I was affected by it.

• 28:50Sean Hayes?

  Maybe you can come over later.

• 28:51Speaker 04

  I know, I always have to correct you.

• 28:52Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, no, I love it.

• 28:53Speaker 04

  Um, but I was, it was going well. We had Barack Obama, and I thought things were changing. I, in my naive, you know, little bubble, I'm like, oh, the world's a great place. Look at America thriving.

• 29:04Sean Hayes?

  Uh huh.

• 29:04Speaker 04

  So I wasn't as vehement and, um, and loud.

• 29:08Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 29:08Speaker 04

  You know, until, until that.

• 29:10Sean Hayes?

  Got it.

• 29:10Jason Bateman?

  Did you feel that, did you, were you, were you satisfied or pacified, uh, that what you were doing was affecting some change? Or was it just enough to sort of just be able to speak your mind and if anything good comes from it, then great, but, uh, until then, at least I'm speaking my mind?

• 29:29Speaker 04

  Yeah, well, I did a lot of stuff. Like, I went on a tour across country to colleges and campuses to, to, you know, debate conservatives, to talk about the election, to understand why people did that. And I worked really hard for so many candidates that ended up getting elected in the midterm. So you do feel like it is fruitful when you can see, like, a tangible event, you know, or a concrete evidence, I should say, of, of your efforts. And not just mine, obviously, millions of people were doing the same thing as I was. So, yeah, it felt really good. It felt good to be involved in that process. It felt full on, you know, and just like everything in my life, I do everything like 150%, and then, you know, I'm like, okay, I'm done with this. You know, and then we get this president and we're dealing with this shit.

• 30:12Speaker 04

  And you're just like, oh, my God, it's never ending this kind of cycle. So I've I've stopped reading the paper for the last couple of weeks because it's just, it really does tax you and it raises your blood pressure and you want to be an effective.

• 30:24Will Arnett?

  Welcome to the club.

• 30:26Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 30:26Will Arnett?

  I'm serious. I'm serious. No, no, no. I these guys know I talk about it all the time that I about a year and a half ago, I turned off all the cable news things in my DVR. I can't take it anymore. Because I was like, well, ultimately, you're first of all, it's not like you're not going to find out about the stuff that's going on. It's virtually impossible in the world that we live in. And I don't need to be reminded of it 24/7 and I don't need to have it affect me to the point where I feel, I gotta hate the word toxic, but toxic, where it's just like it feels like it sort of permeates your entire being at all times.

• 30:58Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's a bummer. It's a big bummer.

• 30:59Will Arnett?

  We'll be right back.

• 31:03Will Arnett?

  Sorry.

• 31:04Speaker 04

  Yeah, let's let's change the subject.

• 31:06Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, let's change.

• 31:07Speaker 04

  Okay, here we go. Ready, watch this.

• 31:08Will Arnett?

  Jesus fucking Christ, Sean, you set us on this path of destruction.

• 31:13Speaker 04

  I know.

• 31:14Will Arnett?

  And you've ruined it. She's doing a comedy tour for fuck's sake.

• 31:17Jason Bateman?

  Let's get back to religion. No, we'll get back to religion.

• 31:19Will Arnett?

  And she said, no, stop with the hot button.

• 31:22Speaker 04

  What about murders?

• 31:23Jason Bateman?

  How about gambling? Gambling.

• 31:24Will Arnett?

  All right, let's talk about.

• 31:25Speaker 04

  Let's talk about sick children.

• 31:26Jason Bateman?

  What about puppies? How about animals? You love animals, right? Let's talk about some animals.

• 31:31Speaker 04

  Oh, my animals do not respect me, you guys. Being alone with my family for the first time during COVID, I was like, fuck this. My dogs think that I'm, they think my housekeeper is their rescuer and they treat me like I'm their conservator. They are, it was, it was so demoralizing being alone with my dogs for the first time during COVID. And I went to Whistler. I went skiing because I love to ski and I thought, well, I'm not going to spend four months in LA in my house. I'll go to Whistler. And I had my dogs for the first time alone with me. They would just look me in the eye and just spot piss, you know, in our place.

• 32:05Will Arnett?

  Yeah, I know it.

• 32:06Speaker 04

  Look me in the eye. Like, are you fucking, are you kidding me that you think you're going to look after us?

• 32:10Jason Bateman?

  Right.

• 32:11Speaker 04

  I would take them for, I took them for a walk. The first day I'm in Whistler, I'm in this little private neighborhood, right? And I'm taking my dogs for a walk, probably for the first time since I got them, let's be honest. And because I had to go to Whistler alone, you know, it was COVID, you could, nobody could get in. And so. I'm walking them and they're brother sister chow chows. They're from the same litter and they're rescues. I want to put that in there just so PETA doesn't fucking bump me up. Um, I've had problems with them in the past.

• 32:35Sean Hayes?

  Sure.

• 32:35Speaker 04

  So, uh, I took them for a walk one morning and this woman, and I didn't have them on leashes because my dogs are so lazy, they can't even run, you know? They're just like. And I'm walking around the corner and this woman sees them. She goes, ah, and I'm like, really? She goes, there's no leashes. You don't have leashes on the dogs. And I said, they're not aggressive. Like, okay, I'll get the leashes, but they're not going to do anything. And she's like, it's not for me. It's not for me. I mean, somebody might see them and think they're bears. And.

• 33:04Sean Hayes?

  And they're like, they're like one feet tall.

• 33:07Speaker 04

  They're both wearing handkerchiefs, first of all, so nobody's going to think that. Um, but yeah, my dogs, after I took them for home from Whistler, I just, my, my cleaning lady was like, when I came home, I realized like, I just, that was abusive to take them with me because I don't have the same level of attention to them that she does, you know? I, I don't know if she has peanut butter in her underwear or what she's up to.

• 33:31Sean Hayes?

  That's Sean.

• 33:31Speaker 04

  But those dogs, when they're with her, they thrive. And when with their, with me, it feels like they're going to cross over.

• 33:37Sean Hayes?

  I'm going to put jelly in mine and just come over and we're going to be a family.

• 33:40Speaker 04

  That doesn't work for dogs, honey.

• 33:41Sean Hayes?

  Okay, sorry.

• 33:42Speaker 04

  Unless you have, maybe a cat. Do you have a cat? Oh, you do have a cat.

• 33:45Sean Hayes?

  I don't have a cat. No, Scotty's.

• 33:47Speaker 04

  You should.

• 33:48Sean Hayes?

  All right. So listen.

• 33:51Sean Hayes?

  Chelsea, you know, you.

• 33:52Will Arnett?

  Go ahead, Sean. You got another question? Fucking yeah. Don't let anybody else chime in here on Chelsea.

• 33:56Sean Hayes?

  Oh, my God. Go get it. This is the most I've talked on this podcast in a while.

• 34:00Speaker 04

  I know. By the way, I've listened to this podcast, Sean, and this is the most you've spoken.

• 34:04Sean Hayes?

  So, Chelsea. It is. It's because I get excited when I see you.

• 34:08Speaker 04

  Jason's on his OnlyFans page. Look at Jason. Look at him down there.

• 34:11Will Arnett?

  He wishes he knew what that was. Are you kidding?

• 34:14Sean Hayes?

  What is OnlyFans?

• 34:15Will Arnett?

  There you go. What is OnlyFans?

• 34:17Sean Hayes?

  Truly. Is that a, is that a thing?

• 34:19Speaker 04

  Yeah, it is a thing. Who wants, anybody want to take a shot? Now that you've heard it once, you'll hear it again.

• 34:23Will Arnett?

  Unbelievable.

• 34:24Sean Hayes?

  Chels, I heard you on your, by the way, you have a fantastic podcast. I love it. You're so funny. And you

• 34:30Speaker 04

  Thank you.

• 34:30Sean Hayes?

  on it, you said, you were talking about something about funerals, like, I can't remember if it's

• 34:35Speaker 04

  Oh, getting hit on at a funeral.

• 34:36Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, or not, or is, did you say it was okay to get hit on a funeral? It's not okay to get hit?

• 34:39Speaker 04

  No, it's not okay. I mean, it's not appropriate. And if, even if you liked a man or were into him and wanted to have sex with him, if he did that at a funeral, it's so not hot that you can never do that.

• 34:50Jason Bateman?

  Well, what about you're crying, you need a shoulder to, to cry on and you just

• 34:54Sean Hayes?

  Has that happened to you? Has somebody hit on you at a funeral?

• 34:56Will Arnett?

  What if it's open casket?

• 34:57Speaker 04

  I know, but I heard a story recently about two very famous people at a funeral, making out.

• 35:04Will Arnett?

  No way.

• 35:05Speaker 04

  At my friend, yes. And she told me that they were on top of each other at a memorial service.

• 35:13Will Arnett?

  Wait.

• 35:13Sean Hayes?

  Oh, my God.

• 35:14Speaker 04

  Making out, like tongue kissing. And I'm like, you fucking have to be kidding me. It's so disrespectful.

• 35:20Jason Bateman?

  It was at the wake. It wasn't at the ceremony, right?

• 35:22Will Arnett?

  No, it was at a memorial, but still, it's still, whatever. It's still memorial and it's still fucking hot as, or really rude.

• 35:29Sean Hayes?

  Interesting.

• 35:30Will Arnett?

  But depends, were they good looking people?

• 35:32Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 35:32Will Arnett?

  It depends.

• 35:33Speaker 04

  Uh, yeah, they're both good looking people, so I guess that makes it okay.

• 35:35Will Arnett?

  I mean, watching good looking people make out, I don't care where you are.

• 35:39Sean Hayes?

  In front of a casket.

• 35:39Will Arnett?

  That's gonna, that

• 35:40Speaker 04

  Right. And they're celebrities, so they should be able to do whatever they want anyway.

• 35:43Will Arnett?

  Oh, they're celebrities. Let them do what they want. They're just like us, but they're not.

• 35:48Sean Hayes?

  I wonder if anybody got a stiff. Get it? Hey, Chels, let me ask you something else.

• 35:52Jason Bateman?

  God.

• 35:53Sean Hayes?

  You know, for the

• 35:54Will Arnett?

  Oh, my God, Sean, Sean, we gotta pause there for a second.

• 35:57Jason Bateman?

  Hold on a second.

• 35:58Speaker 04

  Where's Scotty? Sean, where's Scotty?

• 35:59Will Arnett?

  I hope those doors behind you burst open and somebody comes with piano wire and strangles you right now.

• 36:06Will Arnett?

  Just fucking, that's it. Fucking Sean's, ugh.

• 36:10Sean Hayes?

  Okay, wait.

• 36:11Speaker 04

  You could take this microphone wire, Sean, and just do it.

• 36:14Sean Hayes?

  I'll do it myself. No, Chelsea, I wanted to know, for real, though, because for the time that I've known you, you seem like you're always, always, always on the go, go, go, go, go, go, nonstop. Who is your constant when you come back home? Or, you know, you hear this word a lot, like Camp Chelsea. Like, who's in your camp? Or who are your constant people that you come back to all the time? That you're like, ah, now I'm home.

• 36:38Speaker 04

  My family is like that. My family and I are pretty tight. So we spend a lot of time together. We go on vacations a lot together.

• 36:44Sean Hayes?

  Oh, that's good.

• 36:45Speaker 04

  A lot of them are in New Jersey. But, you know, not my dogs, obviously. And my family is pretty much my constant. I mean, my friends, you know, I have different groups of friends and lots of friends. And LA has been my home base for a long time. But I don't ever spend a long duration of time in LA. I go in and out. Actually, COVID was the longest amount of time I ever spent in LA. And my sister invaded my house with her three adult children, because apparently parenting never fucking ends. And I have, you know, designed my life in a way that I didn't ever want to have children living in my house. So she came down for COVID for three months with her three adult children, 24, 21, and 18. And they stayed for three months. And then I put the house on the market and sold it

• 37:29Speaker 04

  so that would never happen to me again.

• 37:31Sean Hayes?

  Are you serious?

• 37:32Speaker 04

  How did you let that happen? Well, it was my sister. So obviously, I can't say no to family. But, and I thought, oh, this will be fun. I have, you know, the room. I have this great fun house. And so they all came down. And then all of a sudden, I was doing dinners every night at 7:30 with, you know, three kids. And every night, somebody would cry. And then one, oh, and then my nephew, who, my nephew, he's 24 years old. He's a sports journalist. And he was, he was getting really frustrated during COVID. You know, he's like, I can't date. I'm like, date, buddy? Like, people are dying. We're in a global pandemic.

• 38:04Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 38:05Speaker 04

  So one night, I go, why don't you have a girl over?

• 38:06Will Arnett?

  He's like, do you know any funerals I could go to to pick up some chicks?

• 38:10Speaker 04

  Wait till somebody else dies in our family. We can hook you up. He, so he had an outdoor, like, an outdoor date in my backyard. And my sister goes, let me get you out of the house. You're getting really irritated with everybody. And I was like, okay, let's. So we went for drinks at a friend's house, probably Mary's. And we came back and he was at my kitchen counter, my 24-year-old nephew, my firstborn nephew, okay? And he is acting like Ernest Hemingway, just sitting at, you know, just, you know, really buzzed and really frustrated, running his hands through his hair like he'd never been through so much. And I was like, Jake, did you get, you know, did you get some penetration? What happened? I was like, no, Chelsea, of course I didn't. And it's not funny.

• 38:50Sean Hayes?

  He's all backed up, huh?

• 38:51Speaker 04

  And I looked at him and I was like, oh, no fucking way am I listening? I'm like, is this boy frustrated because he's horny? And I couldn't believe it. And so I walked upstairs to my bedroom and my sister came up an hour later. She's like, sorry about that. I go, oh, sorry about that? Your job is to listen to your son talk about how sexually frustrated he is in the middle of this pandemic? What are, do you know, I'm horny too, but I can't fuck anybody because you guys won't get the fuck out of my house. So anyway, they left after that.

• 39:22Sean Hayes?

  I would have come over.

• 39:23Speaker 04

  Sean, you've always been an amazing lover. I love having sex with you, Sean. He doesn't. I mean, he, I mean, especially when you can't shut the fuck up while we're having sex, you know? You just drill me with one question after another.

• 39:36Sean Hayes?

  I don't drill you with my penis, just questions.

• 39:38Speaker 04

  No, you drill me with questions.

• 39:42Sean Hayes?

  Instagram teen accounts have automatic protections on by default. Built-in content settings for the content teens can see, contact limits for who can contact them, and time management tools like daily time limits and sleep mode. Teens are automatically placed into teen accounts and teens under 16 will need a parent's permission to change any of these settings to be less strict. Instagram will continue adding built-in safety features to help create age-appropriate experiences. Learn more about teen accounts and Instagram's ongoing work to protect teens online at instagram.com/teenaccounts.

• 40:25Jason Bateman?

  This episode of Smartless is brought to you in part by SkinnyPop popcorn. So I think one of the great journeys in life is finding the snack that's right for you. You know, and it's constantly changing, but what is constant is the love of popcorn. I think that we all have. So finding a snack that tastes great and feels like a solid choice should not be more complicated than solving a 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzle. SkinnyPop popcorn, made with simple quality ingredients, always satisfies. No overthinking required. No jigsaw puzzle assembly required. It's a no-brainer.

• 41:09Jason Bateman?

  There's the classic, original SkinnyPop, made with just three simple ingredients, but that's only the beginning. Are you feeling a little sassy? Sweet and salty kettle brings just the right flavor balance. Settling in for a movie night? The butter flavor understands the assignment. And white cheddar is the perfect level of cheesy, if that's what you're looking for. No matter which bag you're opening, enjoy popcorn that's light, airy, and endlessly delicious. No notes. Let me tell you what stands out to me most about SkinnyPop. It's tasty, it's popcorn, and it's ready to be eaten. Deliciously popped, perfectly seasoned. SkinnyPop: popular for a reason.

• 41:55Sean Hayes?

  Ready for a college degree, but your dog is giving you the side eye while silently judging your life choices? You need to check out Southern New Hampshire University. Their online programs make it possible to earn your degree without sacrificing sleep, sanity, or Scooby snacks. And there's real support from actual humans, if you want that. So you can focus on what matters most: your dog. No, your future. Get the degree your dog approves of. Apply today at snhu.edu/smartless.

• 42:30Jason Bateman?

  And now, back to the show.

• 42:33Sean Hayes?

  Chelsea, you are in the middle of your tour or the beginning of it? Or the end?

• 42:38Speaker 04

  I'm in the beginning of it. I announced 30 dates and I am announcing 30 more. So I'm gonna be on tour for the next year. So it's pretty fun. And we kicked it off at the Santa Barbara Bowl. I opened the Santa Barbara Bowl. After two years, it was closed. So that was epic. It was the night of the full blue moon. So it was just such a great vibe. Tons of my friends came.

• 42:57Sean Hayes?

  I love that.

• 42:57Speaker 04

  And yeah, it's fun to be on tour. It's fun to be a reason people are coming back together for the first time in big groups. And, and you know, my crowds are safe and they're vaccinated. So I have, you know, faith in that. And yeah, I'm just loving doing stand up again, you know? I want to get back to like-

• 43:13Jason Bateman?

  Did you have a, sorry, did you have a chance to work on your material? Even though there weren't a lot of places that were open during COVID?

• 43:20Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, I had a, I mean, I have been, I've been, yeah, getting up for the last two months, putting my new hour together. But there's so much material from COVID, you know, trying to have sex during COVID. I had to get my own COVID test at my house. And then I would invite men over to the backyard that I was getting set up with or whatever. And I'd give them a little nasal swab. And it'd take like 20 to 30 minutes to run the diagnostics on that in my kitchen.

• 43:43Sean Hayes?

  There's nothing sexier.

• 43:43Speaker 04

  And in that 20 to 30 minutes, I would interview them, you know, about, see if they were a potential penetrator. And if they said anything in that time that was annoying, or I saw a pinky ring, I would just come back out and say, you're positive. You have to leave my house.

• 43:59Sean Hayes?

  A pinky ring.

• 44:01Will Arnett?

  If anybody mentioned an aquarium, they're positive, like just-

• 44:05Speaker 04

  Yeah. Anybody who said masks don't work, it's like, get out of my house. I can no longer fuck you.

• 44:09Sean Hayes?

  Right, right. Hey, Chelsea, when you go on tour, like you are, and do you have like a thing after the show's over where you like, like any rituals or anything where you- Meet and greet.

• 44:21Jason Bateman?

  Will you come back to the hotel where you are? Do you do something or just like straight to bed? Or how late do you stay up?

• 44:26Speaker 04

  Yeah, I do a VIP meet and greet for the people that, you know, get the best tickets. We go, we do pictures after. But you know, when you're on tour, it's pretty grueling. Like being on stage for an hour and a half a night or an hour, whatever it ends up being is, uh, you like, I'm 46 years old, so I gotta keep it tight. I don't really, you know, go out and party like I used to when I was on the road where it didn't matter. And I, you know, it didn't matter. You just now it's like you want to be sharp. You want to have mental clarity. So, uh, no, I don't really get after it in that way. And it's like usually four nights a weekend, you know, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday night.

• 44:59Jason Bateman?

  Right. Do you, do you ever go out and see other people's stand up? Do you ever?

• 45:03Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, I do. I have been lately.

• 45:06Jason Bateman?

  Like anybody you're a fan of now?

• 45:08Speaker 04

  Yeah, a lot of stand ups. There's Hannah, I have a lot of amazing women opening for me. Hannah Einbinder is awesome from, uh, Hacks. She opens for me. She opened for me in Vegas. Uh, Vanessa Gonzalez is a great female stand up. A lot of women of color are opening for me, obviously, because that's, you know, my, my, you want to give that stage time to everybody who hasn't gotten a fair shake at it.

• 45:30Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, for sure.

• 45:30Speaker 04

  And, uh, yeah, I just use different people all the time. And I just love to bring girls in and, um, yeah.

• 45:37Jason Bateman?

  I love that.

• 45:37Speaker 04

  I mean, what was the question?

• 45:38Jason Bateman?

  No, that's it.

• 45:39Will Arnett?

  Yeah, Sean, what was the fucking question?

• 45:41Jason Bateman?

  He wants to know what you do after, because, because we're gonna do a real stupid thing. We're gonna go on tour like, like.

• 45:46Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, I saw that.

• 45:47Jason Bateman?

  We're dumb asses. Um, and, and so Sean, I guess, is trying to figure out what his post show routine is gonna be.

• 45:54Will Arnett?

  He wants to base it off of what you do. And he wants to know, like, can he, can we hit the bars? Can he, can he mingle it up with people?

• 46:00Jason Bateman?

  Or maybe just go back to the hotel, get in the schwitz and, and.

• 46:03Will Arnett?

  And like where he's gotta do like, no, Scotty, I'm at home. And like, shut up, you guys. No, no, no.

• 46:07Speaker 04

  Well, these two guys, these two guys are sober, so they're not gonna be going out with you, right?

• 46:11Jason Bateman?

  But we can drive, we can drive them. Yeah, maybe we'll drive you around. You can go get after it.

• 46:15Speaker 04

  Actually, Sean, it depends how much you're contributing during the live shows, you know? If it's as much as you've been contributing to the podcast, yeah, you'll be free to do whatever you want.

• 46:23Jason Bateman?

  Plenty of energy.

• 46:27Will Arnett?

  You don't have to answer of any.

• 46:28Jason Bateman?

  Thank you. By the way, Chelsea, thank you for managing expectations as we move forward.

• 46:35Will Arnett?

  What do you think, Chelsea, I do want to ask you, like, you've, you've kind of had a bunch of different careers. Like, you've been, you're a stand-up and you're a stand-up. You didn't start as a stand-up, though, is that right? I mean, you did it originally, but then you, you kind of became known also as, you were, you had your show, obviously, that was hugely successful, and now you've kind of come back to stand-up, and you've had, you had this show on Netflix as well, and, and you've gotten very political, like, you haven't had like a, sort of a orthodox career, not that anybody really does. My point is, where do you see yourself, like, what kind of shit do you want to do, I don't know, in the next five years or 10 years? That you think's going to interest you, outside of just touring and shit? Do you see yourself, like, doing another show, like, a late-night show, or some shit, you know?

• 47:21Speaker 04

  I, um, yeah, I did start out as a stand-up. That's how I got, you know, my show, so I did, just to clarify that. I did start out. I did quit for a while, when I burned myself out. When I went over to Netflix to do my documentary series and my, I had like a three or four-year contract with them. So I did all of that stuff. I did my shows, I did a bunch of documentaries, and, um, and I just sold my last book, which is Life Will Be the Death of Me, to, uh, to a network, to, uh, for me to star in.

• 47:51Jason Bateman?

  I read that.

• 47:52Speaker 04

  So it's kind of like a curve.

• 47:53Will Arnett?

  Sorry to interrupt. How many books, how many books have you written? I know you've written a bunch.

• 47:57Speaker 04

  Six.

• 47:58Jason Bateman?

  Amazing, amazing.

• 47:59Will Arnett?

  That's pretty fucking impressive.

• 48:00Speaker 04

  Six number-one New York Times bestsellers, guys. Six.

• 48:03Will Arnett?

  Is that true, six number ones?

• 48:05Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 48:06Jason Bateman?

  That's incredible.

• 48:06Will Arnett?

  That's really impressive. That's very impressive.

• 48:09Speaker 04

  Thanks, I know. Sometimes I can't believe it.

• 48:11Jason Bateman?

  That's awesome. So you're adapting that into a show?

• 48:14Speaker 04

  Yeah, so it's kind of like a curb your enthusiasm, like, with me in therapy, just constantly fucking up, trying to decunt, but never really being successful at it.

• 48:22Jason Bateman?

  Another great title. Think about that as a title. You know, you just put like a weird symbol, phone symbol on there, instead of the U, and you're, you're golden.

• 48:31Will Arnett?

  Oh, yeah.

• 48:33Speaker 04

  I wake up, I have to wake up two hours earlier than everyone, you guys, just to decunt. I'm like, do not be a bitch today. You are one, try not to be.

• 48:40Will Arnett?

  Sure, maybe spell it with a K and then a U with an umlaut, and then you might be able to get away with it.

• 48:44Jason Bateman?

  You're done. Yep, good call, Will.

• 48:45Speaker 04

  Yeah. I'll use the Kardashian font, so that they'll think it's part of that.

• 48:50Jason Bateman?

  So when do you start doing that? Are you writing that now in script form?

• 48:55Speaker 04

  Yeah, Liz Tuchillo, who's the writer on it. She and I just sold it, so we're negotiating, you know, our deal. And yeah, we're on it. I'm pretty excited. I've never played myself on TV. I've never really done a television show where it was acting for, you know, so I feel like I'm in that mode right now.

• 49:13Jason Bateman?

  That's great.

• 49:14Speaker 04

  You know, late night talk shows. I mean, every time I say I'm not going to do something, I end up doing it, you know? So I don't want to say I'm never going to do that again, but I don't see myself interviewing. I like real people. Like, I'm on my podcast, Dear Chelsea. People call in for advice. Like, it was supposed to be a joke and it kind of turned into something serious because I am that kind of person. I like people to take risks and I like to be a cheerleader and a big sister and be like, go, do that, break up with that guy, leave that job, you know? Stop talking to your mother. But, uh, so I just like that. I like talking to real people. I like interpersonal stories. And I've had my fair share of interviewing celebrities. And now that we have social media, it's not like there's any mystique left in anybody or anything. So that genre for me, or that medium, I should say,

• 49:59Speaker 04

  for me is no longer very exciting or challenging. You know, maybe something will happen to change that, but...

• 50:06Jason Bateman?

  What about acting? What about, where does acting sit for you? Playing somebody completely different? Does that have any interest to you? Or is that sort of the antithesis of what you're interested in?

• 50:16Speaker 04

  If it were fun and it was a challenge, yeah. I mean, I do stuff, you know, I was going to do this Netflix movie where I played a principal of an elementary school that hated children. And I was like, oh, that's a fun role. Like, I could get off on that, you know? But then I couldn't do it with my tour and COVID. You have to come in and out of Vancouver. But I am always open to things like that. But, you know, it's not my, it's not my jam. It's, you know, I don't, I don't consider myself an actress at all, but I love to have a nice challenge.

• 50:43Jason Bateman?

  Right, right.

• 50:44Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, I love that.

• 50:45Speaker 04

  You know, who's acting I love, who I texted him about his acting is Jason. When I was watching Ozarks, I was...

• 50:52Sean Hayes?

  I love the ass.

• 50:52Speaker 04

  I was, first of all, I was on a panel with Laura Linney for a Goop panel, where Gwyneth, and in New York City. This was like three or four years ago. And it was Laura Linney, Drew Barrymore, and a couple of other girls. And they were talking about parenting and, you know, we all had microphones in our hands and Laura Linney told a story about how difficult she, what a difficult time she had getting pregnant and that she-

• 51:17Jason Bateman?

  I was gonna say difficult time working with Jason, but yeah, keep going.

• 51:20Speaker 04

  Yeah, that too. She mentioned that too. And she, that was why she couldn't get pregnant was because of Jason is what she said.

• 51:25Will Arnett?

  Did she say it was difficult to explain what a goop panel was to people on the street or no? That was easy?

• 51:30Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah. She mentioned that too. Yeah. And, but she talked about giving birth when she goes, you know, I struggled for so long and then I finally gave birth when I was 50 and I went into the microphone, like loudly. And, and Laura Linney looked at me and I just went, congratulations. I'm sorry. I just, that is so disgusting to me. But I, back to Laura and Jason on screen, I have to say is one of my favorite shows on television. Because I just love watching Jason act. Love it, love it.

• 52:01Jason Bateman?

  You're a nice lady. Thank you.

• 52:03Will Arnett?

  He's very, very good, isn't he? We, we give him a lot of shit, but we love him. He's so good at what he does.

• 52:08Speaker 04

  Very charismatic, Jason, always.

• 52:10Will Arnett?

  Very, very on screen, very charismatic on screen, very on screen. Definitely on screen. No, but in person, it's surprising, dud.

• 52:18Jason Bateman?

  It's pretty, it's, it's pretty quiet. Yep. There's a lot of hate and rage.

• 52:22Will Arnett?

  Chelsea, thank you for your time. I know you're probably exhausted and this is the last thing you wanted to do today, but thanks for stopping by. You're hilarious.

• 52:28Jason Bateman?

  It was cool of you to say yes.

• 52:29Will Arnett?

  You're such a original, an original voice and, and where you think that you're C U N T, we think that you're hilarious and opinionated and awesome. So thank you.

• 52:38Speaker 04

  Thank you, guys. So much fun to see you all.

• 52:41Jason Bateman?

  Thank you, Chelsea, very much. Great to see you. Have a great rest of the tour.

• 52:44Speaker 04

  Even you, Sean. Way to go, bro.

• 52:46Jason Bateman?

  Bye, Chelsea.

• 52:48Speaker 04

  Bye.

• 52:50Jason Bateman?

  Hello, friends. Yeah. Chelsea Handler, ladies and gentlemen. Yep. So funny.

• 52:55Will Arnett?

  Chelsea's so funny.

• 52:57Sean Hayes?

  Boy, she makes me laugh.

• 52:58Will Arnett?

  I know, she makes me laugh too. She always does.

• 53:01Sean Hayes?

  Fearless.

• 53:02Will Arnett?

  She's super funny, she's super quick.

• 53:04Jason Bateman?

  She wakes me up, she's very consistent, always has

• 53:06Will Arnett?

  She is.

• 53:07Jason Bateman?

  lots of energy and ready to go.

• 53:10Will Arnett?

  Even in casual conversation, you feel like, I gotta be on my fucking toes because she will burn me, she'll correct me. She corrected you, Sean, she's corrected me before on stuff and you're like,

• 53:17Sean Hayes?

  She lives for it.

• 53:18Will Arnett?

  Hey, man.

• 53:19Sean Hayes?

  I love it.

• 53:19Will Arnett?

  If I wanted to be with my mom, I'd go back to Toronto, like, why are you correcting me?

• 53:23Jason Bateman?

  But, but if you have any, if you have, if you like to, if you like to sling bullshit, you're in the wrong room with her.

• 53:29Sean Hayes?

  I know, she's quick.

• 53:31Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, I do like that about her, it's pretty refreshing, you don't have to worry about talking about the weather, cuz it's just, that's not gonna cut it with her.

• 53:38Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 53:38Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 53:39Will Arnett?

  I know.

• 53:41Jason Bateman?

  A better show is great, too.

• 53:42Will Arnett?

  Of course it is.

• 53:43Sean Hayes?

  Oh, every incarnation of, of talk shows.

• 53:46Will Arnett?

  She's so fucking funny, and yeah, and she does, I, I feel like she says the thing that everybody wants to say, like she'll, Anne says it in a way, she's always surprising, that's the, that's the thing it is, for me is, it's always surprising what she says, like catches me off guard, really funny, uh, you know, really just, she says things so succinctly, much unlike what I'm doing right now, but she's,

• 54:08Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, nice job.

• 54:10Will Arnett?

  Who's, who's thinking of the, who's thinking of the bye right now?

• 54:12Sean Hayes?

  I am right now, but I think we need to start working on words that rhyme with bye.

• 54:16Jason Bateman?

  Oh, now see, I was more interested in just connecting with you guys, I wasn't thinking about how to wrap it up.

• 54:21Will Arnett?

  I know, you know why I brought it up, cuz I could see the look on Sean's face, it looked like he'd been lobotomized.

• 54:25Jason Bateman?

  Well, he was writing, he's been writing for like thirty seconds, trying to figure out things that rhyme with stuff, that's what he does.

• 54:31Will Arnett?

  Yes, you were talking, he was like this.

• 54:34Will Arnett?

  And he was just trying to think.

• 54:35Sean Hayes?

  No, you guys,

• 54:36Jason Bateman?

  Almost like he's got like an overbite.

• 54:38Sean Hayes?

  No, no, I, I had, I had both, Eyes, open eyes.

• 54:46Jason Bateman?

  What?

• 54:46Will Arnett?

  I don't think we're gonna laugh, are you saying open eyes?

• 54:49Sean Hayes?

  Here's what's funny, anytime I try to do it, I get shot down.

• 54:53Jason Bateman?

  And you always go real high, I don't know why, why does it look high for you?

• 54:57Sean Hayes?

  I'll go down here, eyes.

• 54:59Will Arnett?

  I don't know what the word you're saying is, and also, because you,

• 55:02Jason Bateman?

  Here comes Will's try, Will's gonna try right now.

• 55:05Will Arnett?

  I'm not trying, what I'm saying is, Sean, well, sometimes you'll try to shoehorn it in.

• 55:10Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 55:10Will Arnett?

  Right, you know what I mean?

• 55:12Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 55:12Will Arnett?

  And, and,

• 55:14Jason Bateman?

  And it just doesn't qualify. It doesn't qualify. Yeah, it just doesn't feel- We're gonna sit here till we get one. I don't know, how did we back into this, by the way? Should we run the tapes back? When did this all start? Was it on the first episode?

• 55:25Sean Hayes?

  The very first one, yeah.

• 55:26Jason Bateman?

  What, did we just do a simple bye?

• 55:28Will Arnett?

  Well, we could do it, we could do it once, yeah, we could do a simple bye, or we could just agree to do it once, uh, a year, or we could even do it biannually.

• 55:38Jason Bateman?

  No.

• 55:39Sean Hayes?

  We've used that one.

• 55:40Will Arnett?

  Why? Have we used that already?

• 55:42Jason Bateman?

  Biannually, that doesn't even count.

• 55:43Sean Hayes?

  We've used every single one. That's why I wonder if we should do rhymes, or just say bye.

• 55:47Jason Bateman?

  How about we just, listener, we appreciate your time.

• 55:49Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, we do.

• 55:50Jason Bateman?

  Or we'll, why don't you give them, well, listener, we've taken up too much of your time. Shut up, Arnett. Why don't you get a fucking new goodbye line for our, for our guests, by the way? Okay, I got notes for you.

• 56:00Will Arnett?

  What are you talking, when do I say that?

• 56:02Jason Bateman?

  Well, we've taken too much of your time. Shut up.

• 56:04Will Arnett?

  I don't say-

• 56:05Jason Bateman?

  How about, how about it's an hour, and we're done?

• 56:07Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, we're done.

• 56:08Jason Bateman?

  So, thank you for your answers.

• 56:09Will Arnett?

  Who do I say that to? What, I, you mean I say that to the guest?

• 56:12Jason Bateman?

  I'm just as bad. I say, oh, gosh, thanks so much-

• 56:14Will Arnett?

  No, you always say, oh, my gosh, what do you got? Have you got something on there? How much did you pay them? Shut the fuck up, Dave.

• 56:20Jason Bateman?

  You're right.

• 56:20Will Arnett?

  If we're gonna get into this-

• 56:21Jason Bateman?

  And you two chuckles. Yeah, Sean, we're coming for you next, so quiet down.

• 56:25Will Arnett?

  You're fucking next, Sean.

• 56:26Sean Hayes?

  Fuck both of you. How's that for low, not high?

• 56:29Jason Bateman?

  Whoa, whoa, whoa. It's almost like he was about to bite our head off.

• 56:36Will Arnett?

  Oh, my god.

• 56:42Will Arnett?

  The fuck was that?

• 56:56Will Arnett?

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• 57:07Speaker 05

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• 57:22Speaker 06

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• 57:47Speaker 04

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