"RE-RELEASE: Sarah Silverman"

The pod gets electric when surprise guest Sarah Silverman flies in to shock the guys with her charm, sass, and funny-bone. A stand-up comedian, writer, actor, and host of The Sarah Silverman Podcast, Sarah gets down and dirty with the guys, and Will gets a rapid Covid test. This episode was originally released on 11/30/2020.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Sean Hayes?

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• 0:45Sean Hayes?

  in select regions for 18-plus users. Check responses for accuracy. Supervise closely. Interrupt when needed.

• 0:54Jason Bateman?

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• 1:34Sean Hayes?

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• 2:10Sean Hayes?

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• 2:56Sean Hayes?

  Hey, gang. Welcome to Smartless. We are a sweet new podcast starring myself, Sean Hayes, Jason Bateman, and Will Arnett, and we are complete idiots. So what we do is we bring on a guest and we ask them stuff and they make us smarter, hopefully. It's super cool. So please, come with us, enjoy the show.

• 3:30Will Arnett?

  Now, listen, I need to say this before we get too deep into this. I am about to have a COVID test because it's 2020 and I get them done like once a week or every 10 days we have to with the kids and everything. And mine just happens to coincide with us doing it. So at some point during the podcast, I'm gonna have somebody come in and she's gonna come in and give me-

• 3:49Sean Hayes?

  That's not true.

• 3:50Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 3:50Sean Hayes?

  Why? Why does it have to be during our time? And what is COVID?

• 3:55Will Arnett?

  Oh, bless him in his-

• 3:57Sean Hayes?

  Why does she have to do it during our time?

• 3:59Will Arnett?

  Because it was-

• 4:01Sean Hayes?

  Bad scheduling?

• 4:02Will Arnett?

  Bad scheduling, but a lot of things conspiring. Cause tomorrow afternoon, I'm busy-

• 4:06Sean Hayes?

  Uh-oh, that's always boring.

• 4:08Will Arnett?

  With you.

• 4:09Sean Hayes?

  Wait, what? Oh, you guys golfing?

• 4:11Will Arnett?

  No, no, no, we have a business meeting.

• 4:13Sean Hayes?

  Oh, I see. Got it, got it, got it. I guess I'm busy too, yeah. Feeding kids. Busy. Making smiles.

• 4:18Will Arnett?

  It's a charity meeting.

• 4:18Sean Hayes?

  I thought you were gonna say after your COVID test, you were gonna have like a reveal party of the result.

• 4:25Will Arnett?

  Oh, yeah. You know, people get mad because I keep doing on the subway, I used to do gender reveals all the time. I'd wear a trench coat and I'd just go, hey, you know? And I just reveal my gender to people. That's so stupid. I know, it's so dumb. And, and people got mad for my gender reveals on the subway. Well, next time you, you have the results.

• 4:43Jason Bateman?

  I hear a female laughing, so your guest already, I can tell, is a female or a fella who

• 4:50Will Arnett?

  Is happy.

• 4:51Jason Bateman?

  might sound

• 4:53Will Arnett?

  Careful.

• 4:53Jason Bateman?

  like a female.

• 4:55Will Arnett?

  Yes.

• 4:55Jason Bateman?

  Might sound like a female.

• 4:56Will Arnett?

  Good for you. Yes. Good for you. That's restraint. Look at, look how much you've grown.

• 5:02Jason Bateman?

  Wait, so let me guess. I know it's a woman.

• 5:04Will Arnett?

  It is. It's a really, I don't know if you can tell by her laugh, because mostly people are laughing at what she's doing.

• 5:12Jason Bateman?

  Okay.

• 5:13Will Arnett?

  Is it Phyllis Diller?

• 5:14Jason Bateman?

  So she's a comedienne.

• 5:15Will Arnett?

  She's a comedian. Well, I mean, she's a lot of things.

• 5:18Jason Bateman?

  Stand-up or actor?

• 5:19Will Arnett?

  Let me, you ready for this? All of the above.

• 5:23Jason Bateman?

  Oh, God.

• 5:23Will Arnett?

  She started as a stand-up, then got into acting, then did sketch, then did SNL, then did her own show, won two Emmys, is a hilarious, just all-around hilarious person. She's got a brand-new podcast Phyllis Diller. that is killing it. Phyllis Diller. Ladies and gents, Sean and Jason. Uh-oh. Sarah Silverman is on the show today.

• 5:45Jason Bateman?

  Hang on, Sarah. Sarah Silverman!

• 5:51Will Arnett?

  Look at that.

• 5:52Jason Bateman?

  And embarrassed! Great.

• 5:54Will Arnett?

  Good.

• 5:54Jason Bateman?

  Why are you embarrassed? Because you're smoking the skinniest cigarette I've ever seen. It's a toothpick.

• 6:00Will Arnett?

  Oh, yeah, she's tough today.

• 6:01Jason Bateman?

  Oh, I'm so excited you're here.

• 6:03Will Arnett?

  I know. How good is this? It's so cool. Look at this. Can you believe it?

• 6:07Jason Bateman?

  Nice going, Will.

• 6:08Will Arnett?

  I know.

• 6:08Jason Bateman?

  You guys! Nice going.

• 6:10Will Arnett?

  We're all such fans of yours. You're such a super comedy hilarious person.

• 6:15Jason Bateman?

  There she is. Will, what's your first question? Since you've had time to work on good questions, it's your guest.

• 6:21Will Arnett?

  Yep.

• 6:21Jason Bateman?

  Let's have your best one right now.

• 6:23Will Arnett?

  Okay. Sarah.

• 6:24Jason Bateman?

  Yeah?

• 6:25Will Arnett?

  Mm-hmm. How's it going? Oh, that's good. No, I, listen.

• 6:31Speaker 03

  Gender reveal on the subway is the funniest joke, by the way.

• 6:35Will Arnett?

  It's so dumb, right? It's so dumb.

• 6:36Speaker 03

  That's a great joke. Oh, my god.

• 6:39Will Arnett?

  I've been waiting to tell that for like four days. I've been...

• 6:41Speaker 03

  When you said it, you know, when you hear something and you can't wait to tell a friend, you know? It wasn't quite that, but it was like almost that.

• 6:50Will Arnett?

  Can I tell you something? So, so I'm gonna tell you this, Sarah. One of my favorite jokes that I have told many times over and over, or I've retold the scene, which is people's least favorite thing to hear when you're like, "Hey, do you remember the scene where..." was from the, your old program. So I'm gonna start in the middle. From the Sarah Silverman program, where you did on Comedy Central.

• 7:09Sean Hayes?

  Such a funny show.

• 7:10Will Arnett?

  It's so good. And you did this bit, by the way, I don't know if you could do it today. It was the episode where you wanted some good news, so you decided to get an AIDS test. Right?

• 7:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:19Will Arnett?

  And, first of all, there are like eighty jokes crammed in this tiny scene, and you go, she goes, "Did you ever had unprotected sex?" And you said, "Is there any other way?"

• 7:30Will Arnett?

  Then she said, "In the eighties," and you said...

• 7:34Speaker 03

  No, yeah, she goes, "Did you ever have unprotected sex in the eighties?" And I go, "Oh, my god, yes." And she goes, "You did? You had unprotected sex in the eighties?" And I go, "Oh, no, I'm s- I thought you said in Haiti."

• 7:48Will Arnett?

  So then, so then she goes, so then she says, "Tell me how many times?" And so you take a piece of paper and you, you start writing, and you hand it to her, and she goes, "What's that?" And you go, "That's the number." And she goes, "There are two numbers." And you said, "Yeah, for the front and back." And she goes, "They're the same number." And you said, "Yeah, I'm kinda OCD like that."

• 8:11Will Arnett?

  It was like a domino effect of jokes. It just like started, and it was just non-stop. Fuck me, man. I've told that, that's such a funny bit, and it's such a, you're just, everything about that scene was, again, I don't know, I think people might be offended today. I don't know.

• 8:25Speaker 03

  There are a lot of problematic things, looking back, but, you know, such is comedy. It's not evergreen.

• 8:31Sean Hayes?

  Right. So, so that's my thing is like, you've always been such a, I don't know... Such a fucking stupid word, edgy, but you know, cutting it.

• 8:40Will Arnett?

  Good for you, Sean.

• 8:41Sean Hayes?

  Thank you, thank you. You're getting prayer hands, yep. Prayer hands, prayer hands. That, um, do you, what is it? It's always about the messenger of the joke. It's never really about the, so you can say like on the Sarah Silverman program, you could do a joke about AIDS like that and people embrace it and laugh because it's you saying it. So what do you think is the difference between you saying it and somebody else saying it and not getting away with it? It seems like you get away with a lot of stuff because you're so fucking funny, but it's, some of it's pretty dark.

• 9:10Speaker 03

  I think it's the intention behind it, like.

• 9:13Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 9:14Speaker 03

  This is a math term, but it's kind of like the absolute power of the joke. Like especially back then, I always said the opposite of what I thought, you know? And that was the joke kinda? And then the, hopefully the truth transcends that I don't really feel this way, not to break it down in the least funny possible way. But it is also interesting too, because like that comedy I did, you're right, it, it was like, oh, it's okay because you know I don't mean it. But then it also is kind of like, we are liberal, so we can say anything. So we could say, you know, the words that are unsayable or whatever, like you know I don't mean it, so I could say it. Like there is kind of like a liberal like douchiness about it, I think.

• 9:56Speaker 03

  And in retrospect, I mean, I don't know, it's a weird balance.

• 10:00Will Arnett?

  I think you're right. I was thinking about that the other day, which is like what's been gone is things have gotten so serious because everybody who's not liberal is so serious and so dark and so real about their negativity or hate or racism or whatever it is, that it's taken all of that away. You're like, I don't even want to joke about anything, a lot of things that are rough or maybe pushing boundaries because you feel like, I don't want it to be taken the wrong way because there are so many people who mean it.

• 10:26Sean Hayes?

  Right.

• 10:26Speaker 03

  Yeah, there's not enough distance, you know? It's like so close, like people go, oh. It's so funny. I saw like a comment in Spanish of something that I wrote and I go, "Ooh, you know, I have a fan that's Spanish." You know, then I press translate and it was just, "Why don't you stick to comedy and you don't leave politics out of it?" I was like, "Oh."

• 10:46Sean Hayes?

  So wait, I'm sure you've had your share of criticism. Like, we all have like positive, negative, but is there someone in your life that mattered to you who said that you may have taken certain materials too far or something like that?

• 11:00Will Arnett?

  Which of your friends have you offended, Sarah?

• 11:02Jason Bateman?

  And lost forever?

• 11:03Speaker 03

  I've actually kind of made friends that started out as like them calling me out.

• 11:09Jason Bateman?

  Right.

• 11:09Will Arnett?

  Interesting.

• 11:09Speaker 03

  You know?

• 11:10Jason Bateman?

  I would guess, and please correct me, but I would guess that one of the things that appeals to you about comedy, about thinking of funny stuff and crafting it into something, you know, in order to deliver to an audience, is about identifying that which makes some of us uncomfortable. As opposed to, some people look, it seems to me, look at other things that makes them excited about comedy. With you, it seems like you have an affinity for, as do I, trying to identify the thing that all kind of makes us a little bit uneasy because it only exists in our smallest place. And you want to kind of bring that out and amplify that and share a common sort

• 11:50Jason Bateman?

  of reference point. So are you finding that you're frustrated that outside sources seem to be narrowing those borders and those walls and now you have to kind of think twice and three times about that?

• 12:03Sean Hayes?

  Or do you not listen to that?

• 12:04Speaker 03

  I think like what you said, edgy, or you know, I know it's corny or whatever, but it's like, you can't have it both ways. Like, if you do something that is risky, you have to be risking something. Like, there are consequences. You can't get mad that there are consequences. And I don't mind, I like like when young people, you know, like students or whatever, like they teach me new language. I'm into that because I feel like they're always on the right side of history and I want to like learn new words and pronouns, even though I fuck up all the time.

• 12:32Jason Bateman?

  Fire, by the way, is a new one for something that's good, okay?

• 12:36Speaker 03

  That's not that new.

• 12:37Jason Bateman?

  Fire. No, it's brand new. It started yesterday.

• 12:40Will Arnett?

  That's not new, granted. I had a guy tell me, I had a guy tell me on Twitter, it made me think about... You know, there's an ad that came out for Biden with Sam Elliott doing the voice for it. I don't know if you heard it. And so I just, I retweeted, I said, "The VO master." Right? Because he's just like the voiceover idol of mine. Like, he's so good. All I said was VO master, and this guy responded, "Stick to comedy." And I thought, I was like, wait a second.

• 13:08Sean Hayes?

  Do you do voiceovers, Will?

• 13:10Will Arnett?

  Who's asking?

• 13:12Speaker 03

  You have to be one thing. You have to be the one thing I know you as.

• 13:16Sean Hayes?

  Right, yeah. Yeah, exactly.

• 13:17Speaker 03

  You are a monolith.

• 13:19Will Arnett?

  And it was within my, and I'm like, I can't even comment on voiceover? Like, wait a second.

• 13:25Speaker 03

  Also, like, whoever's saying that, what do they do for a job? Are they a critic? I hope that they are only a critic.

• 13:32Will Arnett?

  I hope so, too. So, speaking of sticking to what you do, you started, you started doing stand-up when you were young. Right? Like, uh, like a...

• 13:41Speaker 03

  Seventeen.

• 13:42Will Arnett?

  Seventeen.

• 13:43Sean Hayes?

  See, that always blows my mind when stand-ups start that young.

• 13:45Will Arnett?

  I know, me too. That's so scary.

• 13:46Sean Hayes?

  The courage, the, uh...

• 13:48Jason Bateman?

  You have more courage at seventeen, don't you? I did.

• 13:51Speaker 03

  I was a bedwetter until I was almost sixteen, so by the time that I did stand-up, but, you know, nothing is humiliating. You know, nothing competes with that kind of humiliation.

• 14:03Sean Hayes?

  But how did you know how to write at that young of age? Like, how did you know how to craft and construct a joke?

• 14:08Speaker 03

  I mean, I wasn't good. You know, I just did it. I wasn't a good comedian. I liked, like, jokes about... You know, I went to a high school, actually, that was really... They'd have an assembly on Mondays and Fridays, and they'd let me do, like, a couple minutes.

• 14:24Will Arnett?

  No way.

• 14:24Speaker 03

  And I had a math teacher that would let me, like, tell a joke at the beginning of every class as long as I shut up the rest of it.

• 14:31Sean Hayes?

  Oh, wow.

• 14:32Speaker 03

  And, uh, it was nice. It was, like, it was really encouraging.

• 14:36Sean Hayes?

  I studied piano, and this is where everybody passes out. I studied piano and classical music when I was much younger, and I remember in high school, my dentist told me that he and his wife were throwing a Christmas party, and I would, would I come over and play background music at the party on the piano? And I'm like, "Yeah, totally, wow."

• 14:53Jason Bateman?

  And serve drinks.

• 14:54Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, and serve drinks.

• 14:56Will Arnett?

  And wear this outfit. And couldn't you park cars?

• 14:59Sean Hayes?

  Right.

• 15:00Will Arnett?

  Do you mind wearing a mask?

• 15:01Sean Hayes?

  The point is, when I was done, he handed me a hundred dollars. And I was blown away that I got paid for a talent that I got something in exchange. You know, for the years I, you know, put into honing this craft. Do you remember the first time you got paid as a stand-up? And like, what that was like?

• 15:18Will Arnett?

  Did you report it?

• 15:19Sean Hayes?

  And do you remember how old you were?

• 15:21Speaker 03

  When I was nineteen, I did a road gig at a club called Joker's Wild. And, um, what's the town that has Yale in it? But it's like, besides Yale, it's gross. Okay, sorry, I mean, wonderful. So it was like this low-rung, mob-run place called Joker's Wild. I was the emcee. For six shows, I got altogether a hundred dollars.

• 15:48Will Arnett?

  Less than Sean got for the...

• 15:50Speaker 03

  And they harassed me the whole time and kept asking me to do cocaine. And I had to find my own place to stay. And I stayed with these elderly cousins of friends of my mom's that were both deaf. It was like a rough week. It was really odd.

• 16:11Sean Hayes?

  And you're all jits out, too?

• 16:13Will Arnett?

  Oh, so you're all jits out?

• 16:14Speaker 03

  No, I did not. I did not do cocaine. But, um, yeah, and the headliner that week, I won't say his, you probably wouldn't know him. But he ended up kind of losing everything. He was like, at that point, he was married, he just had a kid. And he was such a nice guy, mostly impressions. But then I heard a friend of mine was in NA with him. And he did a brilliant thing. You know, comics are so dark. They're very close to criminals, you know? But he, um, he would go to open houses and use the bathroom and steal all their drugs. You know, all their medications and stuff.

• 16:49Sean Hayes?

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• 17:34Sean Hayes?

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• 17:57Sean Hayes?

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• 18:40Sean Hayes?

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• 19:24Sean Hayes?

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• 19:37Sean Hayes?

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• 20:16Jason Bateman?

  My next question is, what's the perfect balance for you from comedy? Like, what do you like to do that balances you out on any particular day or week or month? Hobbies or?

• 20:27Speaker 03

  I'm so boring. I love television.

• 20:31Jason Bateman?

  Television, watching television.

• 20:33Speaker 03

  Ozark, oh my gosh.

• 20:35Jason Bateman?

  There we go, I got it.

• 20:37Speaker 03

  Oh my god.

• 20:38Jason Bateman?

  Great interview, guys.

• 20:39Will Arnett?

  She hasn't said it's good yet, let her finish. Ozark what?

• 20:42Speaker 03

  It's so, it's such a solid B of a show. No, it's, oh god, I just, I thought, so anyway, you don't need to, but I just, I'm a big fan of all of you.

• 20:56Jason Bateman?

  Likewise. But mostly.

• 20:58Speaker 03

  Like, individually, I could go off. But I just want to say, you're, and you're, you know, all of you are brilliant actors, brilliant performers, but your directing is like, it's really beautiful. And I thought season three was phenomenal.

• 21:13Jason Bateman?

  Come on.

• 21:14Speaker 03

  And that's all you get.

• 21:16Will Arnett?

  That's a lot.

• 21:17Jason Bateman?

  Thank you, I will take it. That'll get me to sleep tonight.

• 21:20Speaker 03

  And Will, your, your, those Reese's commercials.

• 21:24Will Arnett?

  Reese's, yeah, the Reese's.

• 21:25Jason Bateman?

  Sorry, not sorry. Unbelievable. Sorry. So you like watching drama stuff?

• 21:32Speaker 03

  Yes, dramas.

• 21:33Jason Bateman?

  What about like, reality shows? Like, what about Bachelor? Do you have like, a guilty pleasure like that?

• 21:38Speaker 03

  I am watching The Bachelor with my lover.

• 21:40Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 21:41Speaker 03

  Yeah, and we have a lot of fun.

• 21:42Jason Bateman?

  My wife loves that.

• 21:43Speaker 03

  It's just fun, it's so dumb.

• 21:45Jason Bateman?

  I know.

• 21:46Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 21:46Speaker 03

  But it's so fun, it's just big laughs all throughout.

• 21:49Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 21:49Speaker 03

  But besides that, I like dramas, yeah.

• 21:51Jason Bateman?

  Do you want to act in one of those? Or do you just want to watch them?

• 21:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, I would like to act in one of those, but I love watching them. I think it's like, watching comedy can be... When it happens, I'm like, I enjoy it. But it's never my go-to, because it's just kind of a little more stressful than...

• 22:07Jason Bateman?

  Right.

• 22:08Speaker 03

  You know, watching a thriller.

• 22:10Sean Hayes?

  I would say it's like, you know, doctors don't run home and watch Grey's Anatomy.

• 22:14Speaker 03

  Right, yeah, it's like that.

• 22:15Will Arnett?

  You've never said that, Sean. That's a fucking lie, you've never said that.

• 22:18Speaker 03

  Sean always says that, he does. Yeah, but a thriller, yeah, I'd love to be in a, like a... Or like a tactical, is that right? Like a Bourne, a Bourne movie? Or like a...

• 22:31Will Arnett?

  Oh, yeah.

• 22:31Speaker 03

  You know what I started recording, because they've been playing them? I'm, is, um, old Columbo's from the 70s?

• 22:39Jason Bateman?

  Ooh.

• 22:40Speaker 03

  And they're so good.

• 22:41Sean Hayes?

  Oh, Columbo's.

• 22:42Speaker 03

  They're like, watching a 70s movie, like, they're on film and they...

• 22:46Jason Bateman?

  That's Peter Falk, right?

• 22:47Speaker 03

  Peter Falk, and the episode we watched was Ruth Gordon in a rare role as a rich lady.

• 22:52Jason Bateman?

  Oh, lover.

• 22:53Sean Hayes?

  The best.

• 22:53Speaker 03

  She's my favorite.

• 22:54Jason Bateman?

  Harold and Maude, yes?

• 22:56Speaker 03

  Of course, and my favorite movie is where's Papa?

• 22:59Sean Hayes?

  Every which way but lose?

• 23:00Speaker 03

  Huh?

• 23:01Sean Hayes?

  Every which way but lose, with Clint Eastwood, where she goes...

• 23:03Jason Bateman?

  And any which way you can.

• 23:04Will Arnett?

  Sure.

• 23:04Sean Hayes?

  And which way you can, with one of my favorite lines in any movie, when the orangutan is on the thing, and she goes, "What are you doing? Eating all the yorio's crap and all over the place." That's one of my favorite lines.

• 23:16Speaker 03

  She always leads with her thumb.

• 23:17Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 23:18Jason Bateman?

  Oh.

• 23:19Will Arnett?

  Let me ask you this, so Sarah, I want to go back to when you started doing, do you remember?

• 23:23Speaker 03

  Hi, you guys.

• 23:24Sean Hayes?

  Hi, Sarah Silverman.

• 23:25Speaker 03

  I'm just happy to see your faces. Sorry, go on.

• 23:29Will Arnett?

  No, no, no.

• 23:29Speaker 03

  We'll edit all this, we'll make it clean.

• 23:31Will Arnett?

  No, we don't have to. I'm only asking questions, because Sean gets really mad if we don't stick to asking questions. But, but...

• 23:38Jason Bateman?

  He doesn't like conversation.

• 23:39Will Arnett?

  He doesn't like conversation, and then he feels that the people in the middle of the country in Wisconsin are mad if we're not getting information out of our guests. So, our guest today is Sarah Silverman, just to remind everybody, Sean, you happy now? And... Sarah, I just wanted, I was thinking about you being seventeen, being onstage, and you're trying to write jokes, and you were joking that like, they weren't any good. But can you remember like, your first joke that you thought was funny? That maybe still is?

• 24:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 24:05Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 24:05Speaker 03

  Um, my friend Eric Noi said, "Does my breath smell like tacos?" And I said, "I don't know, do you put shit in your tacos?"

• 24:16Speaker 03

  That was in high school.

• 24:19Speaker 03

  But I, I found an old notebook, like I save all my notebooks. I found a notebook from when I was like nineteen, and there were jokes in there that were so bad, like, and reading it written, you know, goes, um, and a lot of my jokes early on were like, "I don't know, I'm just, mm, eh." And so it was like, um, "I don't know why my goldfish died, I put it in a tank." Dot, dot, dot, beat, top.

• 24:50Sean Hayes?

  A tank top, yeah, sure.

• 24:52Jason Bateman?

  Do you have a, a set time each day that you dedicate to, "All right, I'm gonna stare at the wall, I'm gonna think of stuff I can write down for a possible performance, or script, or whatever it is." Or do you just kinda just let stuff happen to you, and you always have a little thing in your pocket? And you could be at a red light, you can think of something, and you write it down?

• 25:11Speaker 03

  Mostly the latter.

• 25:12Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 25:13Speaker 03

  When I'm my best self, I do, sometimes I'm just sitting in a chair, and it really is like, I remember someone calling me, and I was just sitting in a chair in my room, and that they're like, "What are you doing?" And I'm like, "Working." And I know I was being defensive, but I do feel like a lot of it is just sitting, you know?

• 25:30Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 25:31Speaker 03

  Stillness, if you can.

• 25:32Will Arnett?

  I thought about the title for your memoir, if you haven't got one already, and I want you to consider

• 25:37Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 25:38Will Arnett?

  "Goldfish in a Tank Top."

• 25:41Speaker 03

  That does sound like a comedian's-

• 25:44Will Arnett?

  Doesn't it sound like a comedian, that would be great.

• 25:46Jason Bateman?

  You have to put the ellipses in between tank and top.

• 25:48Speaker 03

  Goldfish in a tank, dot, dot, dot.

• 25:51Will Arnett?

  Yeah, you're right.

• 25:51Speaker 03

  Turn page, flip over, top.

• 25:54Jason Bateman?

  And then in parentheses, "Get it."

• 25:56Sean Hayes?

  Right.

• 25:57Jason Bateman?

  Upside down question mark.

• 25:58Speaker 03

  LOL, JK, JK, JK.

• 26:00Will Arnett?

  JK, JK as far as the eye can see.

• 26:04Sean Hayes?

  Sarah, I have to ask the cliche question to another funny person, like, what do you, like-

• 26:09Jason Bateman?

  Favorite food?

• 26:09Sean Hayes?

  What the fuck happened to you as a kid that made you funny?

• 26:12Speaker 03

  Uh, well, I mean, I think I was extremely her suit. You know, I was growing up in New Hampshire. Really, I didn't know Jews. I didn't, you know, I didn't go to, like, a lot of people go, oh, all the bar mitzvah season and all that stuff. I didn't have any of that. Like, my parents are atheists. They call themselves agnostic, to be more polite. Or Jewish, to be even more polite. But like, there weren't Jews. So, we, like my sister says, we thought being Jewish just meant being a Democrat, because that's how we were different in New Hampshire, you know? But I, I think because of that, I was like, I was really hairy too, and, um...

• 26:53Jason Bateman?

  Wow.

• 26:53Speaker 03

  Yeah, like, my dad goes, you know, you want your dad to just think you're so beautiful, and he does, but he would, because like, in high school, he goes, "If you want to spend a summer getting electrolysis, I'll pay for it." And I was like, "Why would I do that?"

• 27:06Jason Bateman?

  Jesus.

• 27:06Speaker 03

  "Oh, no, never mind."

• 27:08Jason Bateman?

  Oh.

• 27:09Speaker 03

  He really just meant it to be nice, but then I think he was horrified, because I was like, "Why would I do that?" We should be acknowledging this, by the way, I'm sorry.

• 27:18Jason Bateman?

  Well, you know, you don't need to do the brain scratcher anymore. Why?

• 27:21Will Arnett?

  Yeah, I want to be thorough.

• 27:23Sean Hayes?

  Did they just stick a thing up your nose for the...

• 27:25Will Arnett?

  Yes!

• 27:26Jason Bateman?

  The shallow ones are thorough, and so is the saliva one now. I mean...

• 27:29Will Arnett?

  If it doesn't, dude, if it doesn't hurt, if there's no pain, then it's not fucking valuable. Have you not learned that lesson in life?

• 27:37Sean Hayes?

  That's what my dad said right before you hit me.

• 27:39Will Arnett?

  My dad was right when he said, "God, you're stupid. What the fuck is wrong with you? You'll be nothing."

• 27:45Jason Bateman?

  You're not listening to your cry.

• 27:47Will Arnett?

  Right in between the times that he never told me he loved me.

• 27:50Speaker 03

  You know what's interesting about that? So, you know how that, like, makes people go into show business? Like, my mom only, she just read People Magazine, and she didn't look up from it. She didn't come to my games, she didn't, you know? So, it's like, I think a part of me wanted to get into People Magazine, you know what I mean?

• 28:06Sean Hayes?

  Right, right.

• 28:06Speaker 03

  And I think all of us have, I'm sure that.

• 28:09Jason Bateman?

  Yes. Uh, Sarah, you mentioned that your parents didn't go to your game.

• 28:13Speaker 03

  My dad did.

• 28:14Jason Bateman?

  What game? What sport did you play?

• 28:16Speaker 03

  Every sport. I, I was, you know, listen, I'm not bragging.

• 28:22Jason Bateman?

  No, tell us.

• 28:22Speaker 03

  I was a fast pitch pitcher for the state of New Hampshire.

• 28:26Jason Bateman?

  No way.

• 28:26Will Arnett?

  Come on.

• 28:27Speaker 03

  Of softball.

• 28:28Sean Hayes?

  Sure.

• 28:28Will Arnett?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 28:29Speaker 03

  And, um, not to minimize it, so...

• 28:33Speaker 03

  And, you know, and I played soccer and I played basketball. I still play basketball, although I haven't since COVID. And now I'm like, do I still play basketball? Because like, my bones are so rickety now.

• 28:46Jason Bateman?

  But when you do play, it's not, you're not going down to like the local park and doing a pickup game? You have an organized game or a bunch of your friends get together?

• 28:54Speaker 03

  I have gone to pickup games and I do play pickup games. But the two games I've been playing out here for the past couple of years, I, I don't know anyone there outside of that game. Like, I don't.

• 29:06Sean Hayes?

  What's the difference between a pickup game and a game?

• 29:08Jason Bateman?

  It's all strangers, yeah. You just show up and you say, hey, I want to play.

• 29:12Sean Hayes?

  All right, well, maybe I'll sign up for one.

• 29:14Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 29:16Speaker 03

  But the last time I played outside, I played with this guy. We smoked pot together, you know, he was adorable, whatever.

• 29:22Sean Hayes?

  Thank you.

• 29:23Speaker 03

  And then we were all playing and then at the end of the game, we finished, and that guy had left a little early. He had taken like five different people's car keys.

• 29:31Will Arnett?

  No way.

• 29:32Speaker 03

  And then pressed them to see what went boop boop. And then got in one and stole one of the guy's cars.

• 29:37Jason Bateman?

  Wow.

• 29:38Will Arnett?

  This is, this is the cute stoner. He's all, he's all stoned up, he's all weeded up.

• 29:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, well, I like to smoke pot when I play basketball because I become incredible. Or terrible, but it's a grab bag I'm willing to.

• 29:50Will Arnett?

  Oh, hang on, hang on. We'd love to get you to repeat that for a PSA if we could, real quick, just.

• 29:54Speaker 03

  Hi, I'm Sarah Silverman. You know, when I play basketball, I feel marijuana enhances my game or puts me into a ball. But either way, it's worth the risk.

• 30:06Sean Hayes?

  But you also like to smoke it when you're not playing basketball.

• 30:08Speaker 03

  I like to have a puff at night.

• 30:10Sean Hayes?

  And that's nice.

• 30:11Will Arnett?

  Sure.

• 30:11Jason Bateman?

  A little night night puff puff.

• 30:13Speaker 03

  Mm.

• 30:13Jason Bateman?

  Now, do you follow professional basketball? Are you a Laker fan?

• 30:17Speaker 03

  You know, I like watching it. I mostly like watching like a close game in the last half, last quarter. I'm not, I don't have like a

• 30:25Jason Bateman?

  Right.

• 30:25Speaker 03

  team that I'm obsessed with or something.

• 30:27Jason Bateman?

  It's tough to watch the first three quarters.

• 30:29Speaker 03

  Like any underdogs. I mean, but then again, I also like the Warriors just because I love Steve Kerr and

• 30:34Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 30:35Speaker 03

  you know.

• 30:35Will Arnett?

  He's cool.

• 30:36Speaker 03

  And I like the Lakers and I like the Celtics, but only just because of various reasons.

• 30:41Will Arnett?

  So Sarah, your resume is so crazy because not only you're incredible stand-up, but you've been part of some just great memorable shows, you know, SNL, iconic shows, I should say, SNL, Mr. Show, Larry Sanders. I mean, it's incredible that you got to be part of all these things that, for somebody like me, were shows that really, that really kind of spoke to-

• 31:06Speaker 03

  Are you gonna cry?

• 31:08Will Arnett?

  I'm trying to.

• 31:09Jason Bateman?

  Keep it together.

• 31:09Will Arnett?

  Just give me a second, I'm trying to fucking cry. Jesus, you just broke it. Now we'll never get there. Now we'll never get there. But, but these are shows that like, you know, Mr. Show and Larry Sanders were, they showed me, I was like, oh wait, I wanna do that kinda shit.

• 31:25Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, they're like comedy gold shows.

• 31:27Will Arnett?

  Oh my god, yeah. Like, yeah, set the standard.

• 31:30Speaker 03

  I mean, I got to be on all of those, our iconic shows, that I had nothing, you know, I was like, zelig. I just got very lucky and ended up in-

• 31:38Will Arnett?

  Not true.

• 31:39Speaker 03

  I'm not being modest, I just, you know, I didn't, I had nothing to do with creating the, you know, I mean, but yeah, it is, it's, I've been in a lot of like, very culty-

• 31:45Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 31:46Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 31:46Speaker 03

  Star Trek Voyager.

• 31:48Sean Hayes?

  I know, I love that. Wait, what was your time like at SNL? And, and do you watch it now?

• 31:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, I watch it. I watch it and I'm a fan of it.

• 31:57Will Arnett?

  We can take the pause out in post.

• 31:58Speaker 03

  No, no, no, no. I mean, it's, I had, the year that I was there, I would never wanna take back. It was like, hard and it was long and it was frustrating and, you know, but, I got along with everybody, you know, and, and stuff. It was really a different time, you know, I mean, it was, I mean, they didn't have computers, like, we wrote our sketches on legal pads and gave it to a room of typists.

• 32:23Sean Hayes?

  Right.

• 32:24Will Arnett?

  Wow.

• 32:25Jason Bateman?

  Well, how did you like living in New York?

• 32:27Speaker 03

  I love New York, yeah. I moved there when I was 18. I love New York. I love just walking through the streets.

• 32:33Jason Bateman?

  Do you wish you still lived there? Well, why do you, because I'd love to live there, but I have to live here for other reasons.

• 32:38Speaker 03

  I'd love to live there too, but I, I mean, the last time I had an apartment there, it was $450. You know, I lived on a five-floor walk-up where I, you know, I, I, we, there was a guy who lived on our floor. We had our own bathroom, but it was a building that had a lot of like, padlocked bathrooms in the hallway that the apartments shared. It was a real dark kind of place. And then this guy who just got out of prison lived in on our floor. Aww. And my roommate and I were walking downstairs and he was walking behind us with a friend and he dropped a box of bullets. Bullets were just running down our legs, running through our legs down the stairs and neither of us acknowledged it. We just acted like it was not happening. We were so scared. That's hilarious.

• 33:25Sean Hayes?

  Instagram teen accounts have automatic protections on by default. Built-in content settings for the content teens can see, contact limits for who can contact them, and time management tools like daily time limits and sleep mode. Teens are automatically placed into teen accounts and teens under 16 will need a parent's permission to change any of these settings to be less strict. Instagram will continue adding built-in safety features to help create age-appropriate experiences. Learn more about teen accounts and Instagram's ongoing work to protect teens online at instagram.com/teenaccounts.

• 34:07Sean Hayes?

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• 34:52Sean Hayes?

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• 35:04Sean Hayes?

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• 35:52Sean Hayes?

  Sarah, who do you find absolutely hilarious? Like, either growing up or now, like, who you're just like, oh my God, I can't get enough of blank because they're so funny.

• 36:00Speaker 03

  So many people I know, if I start at all. Have you seen Kate Berlant? She's incredible. I love Tig Notaro. I love-

• 36:08Sean Hayes?

  Takes great.

• 36:08Speaker 03

  Zach Galifianakis. I love Kyle Donegan, this guy Kyle Donegan. He's a, he just, you know, there are people that just make you-

• 36:18Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 36:18Speaker 03

  You know? Or like-

• 36:19Jason Bateman?

  Zach, Zach's like that for me. Zach kills me.

• 36:21Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, he kills me. So funny.

• 36:23Speaker 03

  And then he's just got this huge heart, too. And, you know, he's just like a good, such a solid, lovely person. And he's so funny, you know? That's, I like-

• 36:33Sean Hayes?

  What about back in the day, somebody who made you laugh that, well, I guess you can't really say who made you laugh back then, but based on how your sense of humor's changed now, kind of doesn't? I mean, there's certainly television shows and movies that I thought were funny back then that I would watch today and go, oh no, that doesn't hold up. Or, or my sense of humor's just changed.

• 36:52Speaker 03

  Yeah, I mean, I've gone so many directions. Like, my friend Mark Cohen, years ago, when I first started, he'd put a nickel on his head and say Jewish Ash Wednesday. And I cried because I was so sensitive. And then I went like 180 degrees. You know, but I'm the same inside, you know, but like I was so upset by that, you know?

• 37:17Will Arnett?

  Oh, really?

• 37:18Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, an example of how people change, people's tastes change and you kind of have, you find yourself trying not to factor that in when you're thinking of stuff that might be best suited for something that needs to appeal to a wide audience because the people who are financing this don't want it to appeal to a narrow audience. Do you have to fight that urge?

• 37:38Speaker 03

  Well, I mean, that's why I think I, I, I, I prefer to be niche.

• 37:44Jason Bateman?

  Right.

• 37:45Speaker 03

  You know what I mean? Like it, they're

• 37:47Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 37:48Speaker 03

  You know, it's, there's a lot of rules in the mainstream.

• 37:51Jason Bateman?

  Right.

• 37:52Speaker 03

  That's why I'm doing this podcast now.

• 37:55Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 37:55Speaker 03

  And called the Sarah Silverman Podcast. And the one cool thing about it is like, even if you're on cable or streaming or something, I mean, you can really say anything. I think I said fuck way too many times in the first few episodes because I felt so free. And you have to have the kind of, get those same lessons that you have when you do stand up where it's like, now it's just gratuitous, it's lost any power, it isn't cool, you're using it as a crutch. But I had to kind of learn it over again because I was suddenly so excited to get to say anything I wanted that I was like fucking this and fucking that. I listened back and I was just like, aye, aye, aye.

• 38:34Will Arnett?

  What I always thought you did such a great job of doing, you do it when you were like on a panel, like on a, um, you're guest on a talk show or whatever, you found ways to, I, I think a lot of people, you were for a long time considered kind of like dirty or you would do, you would dress jokes up, you, you never knew what you Trojan horse, like you'd come in and you'd dress it up and be kind of super bright about it. And then the punchline would be really dark. And you found a way to constantly, it's kind of going back to Sean, I feel, I sound like an old man, like you were edgy, but you found ways to push the boundary and you didn't necessarily swear, but you did not shy away from making jokes that, that were hit really hard.

• 39:10Speaker 03

  I never felt dirty. Like everyone would be like, she's a potty mouth and she's dirty. And I guess I am, but like, I never feel that way because I was raised in a house where you used just the words weren't taboo, you know.

• 39:24Will Arnett?

  Right, right.

• 39:24Speaker 03

  It's not like I swear a lot, really. It's more like I use technical language or explicit, maybe, you know.

• 39:31Will Arnett?

  Yeah, right. You didn't say, you didn't say fuck a lot. You didn't do that at all. Like, you found a way to bring people to a punchline that was potentially really, uh... They hadn't heard it before and it was kind of dangerous and you were kind of pushing the boundaries. Can I, can I ask you this? So, are there any kind of... Jason asked you if you want to do like a drama or anything like that. But are there any like comedy people for reals that you would want to work with? Or comedy directors that you think like, oh, I can...

• 39:57Speaker 03

  You know, I haven't done a lot of comedy. Well, this is the thing is, the things I've been in, in comedy, like in movies, it's like, um, this has changed a lot. But since, you know, it's the angry girlfriend, or the angry roommate, or the sleaze bag executive, or... But it's like, so I go, after a while, I go, I just don't even want to be in comedies because the access I have to comedies is, I can't be a comedian in a comedy playing a straight role. It doesn't, it's stupid of me. It doesn't, I don't make money from doing movies. I lose money making movies.

• 40:38Will Arnett?

  Of course, yeah, of course.

• 40:39Speaker 03

  I get the least amount of money. I can't be on the road, you know? So, that's why it's like dramas or something where I'm in like someone else's domain is, it just makes, I just want to play the, if I'm in a comedy, I want to be funny in it.

• 40:53Will Arnett?

  Right.

• 40:53Speaker 03

  And otherwise, you know, I just want to do interesting things. You know, I like acting, but I like doing everything.

• 41:01Will Arnett?

  Sarah, I don't even know where to go. I mean, we could talk to you all day. It's so fun having you here.

• 41:05Speaker 03

  We've been talking for so long. I can't imagine. I'm so sorry.

• 41:09Will Arnett?

  We've taken a lot of your time. Very generous.

• 41:11Speaker 03

  I, I'm so happy to be just seeing you and talking to you.

• 41:15Will Arnett?

  Likewise.

• 41:15Speaker 03

  But we'll wrap it up. Let's, someone wrap it up.

• 41:17Will Arnett?

  We're gonna wrap it up, but we're gonna say, you're an absolute delight. You are a, you're a comic titan. I'm gonna say that. I find you to be so fucking consistently hilarious. You've made me laugh so many millions of times, so thank you. Royalty. Yeah, royalty.

• 41:32Speaker 03

  Doesn't it make you feel old? I remember when Joan, when you'd go, oh, Joan, you're a legend. She'd be like, fuck you, I'm still vital, you know? Like, it makes you feel done. The next thing I do, you know how like your agent will go, ooh, but we got with or and for the credits and you go, who cares? Why is that a thing? I want and introducing, that's really.

• 41:57Will Arnett?

  Sure.

• 41:57Speaker 03

  I want them to fight for that.

• 41:59Will Arnett?

  My thing I keep going to is I'm asking my, I'm like, I want to fight for in advance, fight for my position in the in memoriam segment on like the Emmys and stuff.

• 42:10Speaker 03

  Oh, I'm already working on my reel.

• 42:12Will Arnett?

  I want to get the final, yeah.

• 42:14Jason Bateman?

  Final card.

• 42:15Will Arnett?

  Fuck, and I want to bring down the fucking.

• 42:17Sean Hayes?

  Do you know the song, Will? Do you know the song you want played?

• 42:19Will Arnett?

  Five Dollar Footlong.

• 42:22Will Arnett?

  Five dollar, five dollar foot long. I love that fucking song.

• 42:30Sean Hayes?

  We love you, Sarah.

• 42:31Will Arnett?

  Thank you, Sarah.

• 42:32Jason Bateman?

  Bye, Sarah, thank you.

• 42:34Speaker 03

  Bye, thank you.

• 42:34Sean Hayes?

  Bye, Sarah Silverman.

• 42:36Will Arnett?

  Bye, thanks so much.

• 42:38Sean Hayes?

  So funny, always, you know, there's that gross word again, but always edgy, dark. Like, she's the kind of comedy you choose when you really want to, it's like truth comedy.

• 42:51Will Arnett?

  Yeah, I always thought of it, and she's one of the cool kids, like she was just so funny in such a great, real, like, way you're like, shit, man, I just don't want to fuck up around her.

• 43:00Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 43:01Will Arnett?

  She's so funny, you know, that's how I always.

• 43:02Jason Bateman?

  I don't want to be unfunny at any moment.

• 43:04Will Arnett?

  Yeah, I don't want to be a fucking loser, shit, God, you're so stupid to even think that, and then I just don't even get out of my car.

• 43:09Jason Bateman?

  I'd love to go see her do stand up, I don't think I've ever.

• 43:12Sean Hayes?

  I saw her do a stand up at the Improv in Melrose, and her opening joke was about rape.

• 43:18Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 43:19Jason Bateman?

  Just to sort of drop the flag and say, here, here it comes.

• 43:23Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, so you have to be a fan and be open minded, but I am, and I'm a huge, huge fan.

• 43:29Will Arnett?

  Well, I think, you know, and she made such a great point, you, she's made a lot of jokes that like has taken people aback over the years or whatever, but she's right, it's all about intention, and her intention is good, she's a good person, and she's going the right direction, and she wants, I think that, that sometimes.

• 43:48Will Arnett?

  She has to make jokes like that to kind of shed light on the other side.

• 43:53Sean Hayes?

  Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And that's her style.

• 43:55Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 43:55Sean Hayes?

  And I love it.

• 43:56Will Arnett?

  I respect it. And she's got a new podcast, The Sarah Silverman Podcast, and it is great, of course.

• 44:03Sean Hayes?

  I've heard it. It's fantastic.

• 44:04Will Arnett?

  Yeah, it's super good. And she's a stone cold babe.

• 44:07Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, she is.

• 44:08Will Arnett?

  Stone cold babe.

• 44:09Sean Hayes?

  She's a babe.

• 44:09Will Arnett?

  She's a stone cold babe.

• 44:11Sean Hayes?

  And you know what the third thing is? Yeah, we can say that. The third thing is, um. Mine.

• 44:16Will Arnett?

  Mine.

• 44:19Sean Hayes?

  Mine.

• 44:20Speaker 03

  Smart. Less.

• 44:27Speaker 03

  Smart. Less.

• 44:34Sean Hayes?

  You know what stood the test of time? No, not bad haircuts and pretending to understand wine. For centuries, law has remained a remarkably consistent way of making our promises stick. A word becomes an agreement, and agreement becomes a contract, and a contract becomes bound by law. Now, Harvey, the AI platform designed specifically for legal work, is helping write the next chapter of that legacy. And Harvey is already pretty well established in the legal world. More than 200,000 lawyers, 80% of the Am Law 100, and 20% of the Fortune 500 are building with Harvey. Accelerating review, sharpening negotiations, uncovering insights, drafting first responses, and more.

• 45:17Sean Hayes?

  Basically, Harvey is helping legal teams spend less time on repetitive work and more time on the big picture stuff. This is how the future of agreements is being crafted now. Harvey. Learn more at harvey.ai. That's harvey.ai. Harvey does not provide legal advice. Users should always independently review and verify any output provided by Harvey.

• 45:40Sean Hayes?

  Hey, everybody has that person on their holiday list that you need to get a gift for. You just don't know what to get them. Check this out. Looking for an easy stocking stuffer for the dude in your life one will actually use? Grab an Old Spice Holiday Gift Pack. It's perfect. It's an incredible deal since each ready to gift pack includes four full-size products: deodorant, body wash, body spray, and shampoo. Choose from scents like Swagger's Cedarwood Scent and Fiji's Palm Tree and Coconut Scent. Old Spice makes holiday shopping easy, which means more time for things like untangling yourself from the holiday lights. Oh, what? Get down from there. Buy Old Spice Holiday Packs for a limited time to give the gift of scent this holiday season.