"Holiday Bonus"

It's a holiday miracle! We love you, listener.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:06Jason Bateman?

  Good morning, oh my god.

• 0:07Will Arnett?

  Good morning.

• 0:08Jason Bateman?

  Oh my god.

• 0:08Sean Hayes?

  Here's the cookies.

• 0:09Jason Bateman?

  I put them out.

• 0:11Will Arnett?

  Oh my god, there's just crumbs here and all the milk is gone. Or is that Sean? Sean, did you drink the milk?

• 0:16Jason Bateman?

  I might have drank it. I might have done both. I might have eaten the cookies and drank the milk.

• 0:19Will Arnett?

  Hey Sean, where are your pants?

• 0:21Jason Bateman?

  Uh oh. It's a holiday surprise. Welcome to Smartless.

• 0:42Will Arnett?

  So what do we got going on for the holidays, you guys? We're gonna be...

• 0:45Jason Bateman?

  I'm looking to... I'm gonna be going to a beach, a beach environment. And you're gonna be there as well, Will. And I think it's bullshit that Sean's not gonna be there.

• 0:54Will Arnett?

  Well, what are we gonna do pre-Christmas? We should get together.

• 0:58Jason Bateman?

  I'm sure we'll be at a holiday party, maybe. I got the invite for Conan.

• 1:02Will Arnett?

  Yeah. Are you coming?

• 1:04Jason Bateman?

  I think so, yes.

• 1:06Will Arnett?

  But you said that you might not be able to make it.

• 1:08Jason Bateman?

  Because there's another thing on that night that we gotta go to, but that's not starting until nine. So it looks like I can squeeze Conan in.

• 1:13Will Arnett?

  Huh.

• 1:14Speaker 03

  Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

• 1:15Jason Bateman?

  Oh no.

• 1:17Speaker 03

  Wait a minute, wait a minute. No, wait, wait. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Oh, excuse me, excuse me.

• 1:22Jason Bateman?

  Did I just get...

• 1:23Speaker 03

  Bateman, hold on, Bateman.

• 1:24Jason Bateman?

  You just ambushed me, Arnett.

• 1:26Speaker 03

  Bateman, Bateman. You're gonna squeeze me in?

• 1:29Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, I'm gonna see, I'm gonna be one of those guys.

• 1:30Speaker 03

  You're gonna squeeze me in?

• 1:31Jason Bateman?

  You're gonna be, you're gonna be the early part of my night. The night that I don't really care about, because then I'm gonna go to the party that I really wanna go to after.

• 1:38Speaker 03

  Wow, and I know, and guess what?

• 1:39Jason Bateman?

  Let me tell you why.

• 1:40Speaker 03

  Guess what? I know what that party is, by the way. I know what that party is. And if I could get into that party, I'd be at that party instead of my party.

• 1:46Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, no, she doesn't like you.

• 1:48Speaker 03

  Hey, can I tell you something?

• 1:48Jason Bateman?

  You're not going.

• 1:49Speaker 03

  First of all, that is, Chris Chan Amampura loves me, and she will have me to her party. That is the party everyone wants to go to. Let me tell you something, Jason, and that's called speed. You'll pick it up someday. Let me say something, Bateman. You bitched. You bitched. You bitched.

• 2:06Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 2:06Speaker 03

  On this podcast. Was it?

• 2:09Will Arnett?

  On live on stage, Conan, remember?

• 2:11Jason Bateman?

  And, and on stage.

• 2:11Speaker 03

  And on stage. You bitched and moaned on Harmless. What's the name of it? What is it?

• 2:16Jason Bateman?

  It's Harmless.

• 2:16Speaker 03

  Harmless. Well, you bitched.

• 2:20Speaker 03

  You bitched.

• 2:21Jason Bateman?

  Marvellous.

• 2:22Speaker 03

  You bitched and moaned about not being invited to Conan's, uh, uh, Christmas party, which has become an iconic party.

• 2:29Jason Bateman?

  It's quite a thing.

• 2:30Speaker 03

  Everyone goes, and, um...

• 2:32Jason Bateman?

  And yet, I, and, and yet I didn't, and, and so last year was the first invite.

• 2:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:36Jason Bateman?

  Finally.

• 2:37Speaker 03

  I invited you, and what did you do? What did you do?

• 2:39Jason Bateman?

  I couldn't, I couldn't make it.

• 2:40Speaker 03

  And what were you doing, what were you doing instead?

• 2:43Jason Bateman?

  I can't remember yesterday.

• 2:44Sean Hayes?

  I remember.

• 2:45Speaker 03

  What was I doing? I remember what you were doing instead. You were seeing that...

• 2:47Will Arnett?

  You were at Jen's.

• 2:48Speaker 03

  No, you were, no, he wasn't at Jen Aniston's.

• 2:50Jason Bateman?

  I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go back in my calendar here, um, December twenty, December twenty twenty-three. No, you weren't, no, you weren't in town. Christmas, was it the twenty-third?

• 2:58Speaker 03

  Guess what? A friend of mine saw you...

• 3:00Jason Bateman?

  I was at Jen's party.

• 3:01Speaker 03

  Nope, you were, you showed up late at Jen's party. A friend of mine saw you at Mineki Mufflers on Los Cienega.

• 3:09Speaker 03

  They said that you...

• 3:10Jason Bateman?

  That's when the lines are the shortest.

• 3:11Speaker 03

  They said you were there for four hours. Hanging, and listen to this, hanging around, hanging around with no need of a muffler repair. Just chatting people up.

• 3:22Jason Bateman?

  I have an electric car, yeah, there's no muffler at all.

• 3:24Will Arnett?

  Conan, the worst part is that I heard, I heard that he ri, he was gonna go to your party. He ripped his own muffler off.

• 3:31Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 3:31Will Arnett?

  Just to delay going to your house.

• 3:33Speaker 03

  He ripped it off just so he wouldn't have to go. Now, look, everyone says, oh, would you go to Conan's party? Would you go to Jen Aniston's party? Of course, everyone would go to Jen Aniston's party. She's beautiful, she's iconic, she's a movie star, she's a TV star, and what am I? Some thin-lipped, beady-eyed creep. I get it, no one comes to my party, but...

• 3:51Will Arnett?

  Yeah, those were Sean's words once.

• 3:53Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, I never said that.

• 3:54Speaker 03

  He wrote, he wrote them in The New Yorker. They were in a piece in The New Yorker called Why No One Likes Conan O'Brien.

• 4:01Jason Bateman?

  Sean, Sean, you've been to this party?

• 4:03Sean Hayes?

  I've been to this party, but the only reason I get to go is because I have to go early to set up.

• 4:07Will Arnett?

  It's...

• 4:07Jason Bateman?

  Oh.

• 4:08Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 4:08Jason Bateman?

  You have to work it.

• 4:09Speaker 03

  You have to remember, Sean, before he hit it on, on Will and Grace, worked the party for seven years.

• 4:14Will Arnett?

  He was a cater waiter.

• 4:15Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 4:15Will Arnett?

  He was a cater waiter.

• 4:17Jason Bateman?

  I feel like that's a true story, is it not?

• 4:18Sean Hayes?

  It is a true story. I set up some, uh, party stuff at Anthony Edwards' house before.

• 4:22Speaker 03

  Really? Was he kind to you?

• 4:23Sean Hayes?

  Uh, he was very kind.

• 4:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 4:25Sean Hayes?

  He was very kind.

• 4:25Speaker 03

  Good guy.

• 4:26Sean Hayes?

  Uh, but, but, but Conan's party, your party's always super fun.

• 4:29Will Arnett?

  And I always start going like, good guy. What are you, the decider of like?

• 4:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 4:33Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 4:33Speaker 03

  Good guy?

• 4:33Jason Bateman?

  You don't know. You can't judge people.

• 4:35Speaker 03

  Can I say something? I'll tell you who a good guy is. A good guy is someone who, I think I've done Smartless a couple of times, sort of to boost the boost the numbers for you guys a little bit and helped you get launched, I think, which was a big help. People were like, I don't want to hear these guys. Who are these got to work actors? And then, hey, Conan's going on, I'll check it out. But listen, then, I, so I did that for you guys, okay? Then, uh, to return the favors, Sean Hayes, been here, talked to me on my podcast, Will or not, comes sometimes when we don't even invite him, just hanging around, holding on to his muffler, and then-

• 5:06Jason Bateman?

  How have I not been invited?

• 5:07Speaker 03

  Oh, you have been invited to my podcast many times.

• 5:11Jason Bateman?

  No way.

• 5:11Speaker 03

  Many times. Many times. Adam, many times? Many times, and your publicist, your publicist, this is a, this is a quote from your publicist, not his cup of tea. Not his cup of tea.

• 5:27Jason Bateman?

  I swear on my kid's life, I can't remember being invited on your show.

• 5:31Will Arnett?

  Ask Adam if this is true. Conan, ask Adam if this is true.

• 5:33Speaker 03

  Adam, how many?

• 5:33Will Arnett?

  Three times he said he, he couldn't make it because of prior muffler engagements.

• 5:37Speaker 03

  Okay, all right. Listen, that's a three-time callback and that's a felony. Listen, Adam. Adam, Adam, isn't it not true that he has been invited many times and that his publicist, I don't remember her name, I think it's-

• 5:48Jason Bateman?

  Texting them right now.

• 5:49Speaker 03

  I think it's Enid, Enid Crud, I think is her name, said, "Not, not his cup of tea."

• 5:55Jason Bateman?

  No, I can confirm he's been invited multiple times.

• 5:57Speaker 03

  Oh, you, you left Crud? Wow.

• 5:59Jason Bateman?

  Uh, no, I'm texting Cara Trapickio and Christine Trapickio right now saying, "Show me the receipts of my invites to Conan."

• 6:08Speaker 03

  Oh, that's right, because there's always a, there's always a money exchange when I ask you to come on.

• 6:12Will Arnett?

  Do you, do you think that they're gonna let you feel bad about this? This is their business, is just dancing around your rage fits, babe, and there's no way that they're gonna feed into this.

• 6:24Speaker 03

  And I'll tell you something, tell you something.

• 6:26Jason Bateman?

  Conan, how do you spell your name, real quick?

• 6:27Speaker 03

  Okay, all right. Jason, if that's even your real name.

• 6:31Jason Bateman?

  I N or A N?

• 6:31Speaker 03

  Jason. It's K O N I N. Jesus.

• 6:35Jason Bateman?

  Did you hear the little whoop? That text just went off.

• 6:38Speaker 03

  But wait, but now, but Jason, you're gonna go this year for the very first time. This is gonna be super fun.

• 6:43Jason Bateman?

  To the party, but not the podcast. I would like to be a guest on Conan's podcast.

• 6:46Speaker 03

  You have been invited.

• 6:48Jason Bateman?

  Empire.

• 6:49Speaker 03

  You have been invited.

• 6:50Jason Bateman?

  He's our north star, what he's been able to build there with that podcast empire.

• 6:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 6:55Jason Bateman?

  And I would like to go see how it's really done.

• 6:57Speaker 03

  Oh, well, thank you. And you know what?

• 6:58Will Arnett?

  I saw the, right off camera, he was going like this.

• 7:02Speaker 03

  And just so in case anyone knows, that's either the jerk off motion or the shucking porn motion. I don't know what that is. Wait, you know, I'm gonna wrap this up soon because I have a guest. When is Taylor Swift coming in? Is she coming in now? She's coming in person, right?

• 7:13Jason Bateman?

  Oh my god.

• 7:14Speaker 03

  I don't know what the, you guys probably had her, but anyway, she's coming in, she's coming in with Travis? Travis Kelsey.

• 7:19Jason Bateman?

  That's the white whale.

• 7:20Speaker 03

  Um, anyway.

• 7:21Jason Bateman?

  Wait, Conan, why, why are you wearing, why are you wearing such a thick leather jacket indoors?

• 7:26Will Arnett?

  Leather jacket indoors, yeah.

• 7:27Speaker 03

  I was given this leather jacket by the actress who portrayed both Starsky and Hutch about 15 years ago. And I swore, they said, we'll give this to you if you wear it on the podcast every day, and I do. I do, and it's very cold here in our studio, because we also store, we have some meat storage facility primarily.

• 7:45Jason Bateman?

  Look at that, you do have a beautiful studio there. We're hostage videos here with little laptops, you know?

• 7:50Speaker 03

  I find to really get a great interview, I'm gonna, I haven't really listened to what you guys are doing, but to get a really good interview, you wanna be in person and have a real connection.

• 8:01Will Arnett?

  Well, by the way, let us know if, when you do get a good interview, let us know if your theory bears out. You know what I mean?

• 8:06Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 8:06Will Arnett?

  We'd love to hear. We'd love to hear.

• 8:08Jason Bateman?

  Now, Conan, if I were ever to be invited to be on your podcast, would I have to drive to you and be in some studio? And be camera ready and hair and makeup and all of that nonsense?

• 8:20Speaker 03

  That's called a talk show. I'll make a deal with you. Okay, Jason, I'm gonna deal with you. I don't ever want you to leave your bubble. I want you to stay in the world where you're it and everything's cool. So I would probably...

• 8:31Jason Bateman?

  Wait, here's a real time response from my publicist. I said, have I ever been invited to be on Conan's podcast?

• 8:38Sean Hayes?

  And?

• 8:38Jason Bateman?

  She says, "Yes."

• 8:40Speaker 03

  Yes!

• 8:40Jason Bateman?

  And you were a- yes, and you asked us to tell them you were focused on your own for now.

• 8:46Speaker 03

  Wow!

• 8:47Jason Bateman?

  Exclamation point.

• 8:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, and how many years have you guys been focusing on your own?

• 8:51Jason Bateman?

  Holy shit.

• 8:53Speaker 03

  This isn't a new endeavor for you guys?

• 8:55Jason Bateman?

  I'm so embarrassed. When was that?

• 8:58Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 8:58Jason Bateman?

  I don't remember that at all.

• 9:00Speaker 03

  Oh, right, no.

• 9:01Jason Bateman?

  And I do, I make it a point to do people's podcasts that have been so nice with us.

• 9:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 9:07Jason Bateman?

  Done Dax's multiple times.

• 9:08Speaker 03

  Oh, multiple times for Dax. Oh, that's nice.

• 9:11Jason Bateman?

  Multiple. David Cross is one that I don't even know if it's on the air anymore.

• 9:14Speaker 03

  Listen, that has never actually gone out. David Cross is just-

• 9:17Jason Bateman?

  What's the address? I'm driving over there right now.

• 9:19Speaker 03

  No, no, no, I don't want you here anymore.

• 9:21Jason Bateman?

  I'm driving. Tell Taylor to pump it, and she's now, she's now the second guest.

• 9:25Speaker 03

  Can I tell you something else?

• 9:26Sean Hayes?

  This is gonna be an awkward Christmas.

• 9:27Speaker 03

  I don't buy this whole thing, and I don't think your compatriots on the podcast do either, this whole thing that, "Oh, someone who works for me was cruel and mean on my behalf." That's coming from you, Bateman.

• 9:40Jason Bateman?

  No, exactly, yes. You asked us to tell them you were focused on your own for now. I'm admitting to there was some garbage that came out of my mouth that I don't remember, but I'm not denying, and I owe you a hugie, and I'm gonna come over and give it to you.

• 9:53Speaker 03

  No, no, no, I, I, I don't want you there now. I think that's the truth.

• 9:58Jason Bateman?

  No, I'm coming, I'm coming.

• 9:59Speaker 03

  Because what am I gonna do?

• 10:00Jason Bateman?

  I'm your new sidekick.

• 10:00Speaker 03

  I'm gonna stand around and twist.

• 10:02Jason Bateman?

  I'm your new Andy Richter.

• 10:02Speaker 03

  I can't wait.

• 10:03Jason Bateman?

  Podcast Andy Richter for at least 12 episodes.

• 10:05Speaker 03

  I'm gonna sit around at my party and watch you not eat, and then look at your watch while you think about, "Oh, when am I gonna go see Jen's? I gotta go to Jen's. I gotta go to Jen's. I wanna be there when she's getting a, you know, a, a, a dry blow haircut, whatever it's called. I wanna be there when she's styled. No, I'm not, I'm not-

• 10:24Jason Bateman?

  It's a blowout at a dry bar.

• 10:26Speaker 03

  Okay, well, I'm sorry. I haven't, I didn't grow up in Hollywood like you freaks. I come from the real working class-

• 10:32Will Arnett?

  I'm from Toronto, you asshole.

• 10:33Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, Toronto, North Los Cienega. That isn't even funny. I'm giving you stuff that's C-plus material at best.

• 10:40Sean Hayes?

  Would you ever, hey, Conan, would you ever get a blowout on your hair?

• 10:44Speaker 03

  Let's just say it's been done.

• 10:47Speaker 03

  You know what I'm saying?

• 10:48Will Arnett?

  Nobody knows what that means. Nobody knows what that means.

• 10:50Jason Bateman?

  You know what? I'm gonna be honest with you, Will. I don't understand what it means, okay? And if you wanna, if you wanna drive a truck, you wanna-

• 10:56Speaker 03

  Drive the best truck possible with a deep.

• 10:58Will Arnett?

  Yeah, GMC.

• 10:59Speaker 03

  GMC truck.

• 11:01Will Arnett?

  I will say this about you, Conan, I'm gonna put you a compliment here because it is the holidays. And I will say this, I did your podcast years ago, the first time I did it, I did a live show. I've done a lot.

• 11:11Speaker 03

  You've done a lot, you've held me out a lot. You know what, you repaid the favor that you, the three of you, of me, two of you have repaid it very kindly. Thank you.

• 11:18Will Arnett?

  Yeah, and I will say it was after doing your podcast, I was able to come back in and I said to these guys, I said, if this frickin' ding dong, or no, if Conan.

• 11:29Will Arnett?

  What are we doing?

• 11:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 11:31Will Arnett?

  What are we doing? You know what I mean?

• 11:32Jason Bateman?

  What's the fellow's name over there? Adam?

• 11:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 11:35Jason Bateman?

  What's his name?

• 11:36Speaker 03

  Adam, Adam Sasse.

• 11:36Jason Bateman?

  Adam. Okay, Adam.

• 11:38Will Arnett?

  I know, I know.

• 11:39Speaker 03

  Hey, Adam's great.

• 11:40Jason Bateman?

  Hi, Adam. Let's just make sure you got a good wifi signal there on your phone or bars or something like that. Let's just keep an eye on it. We got an incoming.

• 11:47Will Arnett?

  I'm keeping. Now he's inviting himself on your.

• 11:51Jason Bateman?

  We're gonna book it right now.

• 11:52Speaker 03

  Yeah, we're gonna book this, we're gonna book you on the podcast, you know it? Guess what?

• 11:55Jason Bateman?

  I'm gonna, I'm gonna guest tell us, when you need to go out of town and vacation with your beautiful family.

• 12:00Speaker 03

  Where's he going?

• 12:00Jason Bateman?

  You need someone to go in there.

• 12:04Speaker 03

  I'm going to the beach you guys are going to. Aren't you going to a beach together? I wanna go to that beach. I wanna hang with.

• 12:09Jason Bateman?

  We'll do it from the beach.

• 12:10Speaker 03

  I wanna do it with the, I just wanna hang with the smartest crowd. That's the cool crowd on the block. No one wants to hang with them.

• 12:15Jason Bateman?

  It came, there, she's, she's got follow up here. The request came in when you were filming Black Rabbit and then they followed up to ask. Okay, so this is in process. So this is in process.

• 12:26Speaker 03

  What's Black Rabbit?

• 12:27Jason Bateman?

  There was this little project.

• 12:28Speaker 03

  Black Rabbit's his new show, it's gonna be on Netflix next year.

• 12:30Will Arnett?

  He's amazing in.

• 12:31Jason Bateman?

  I'm gonna come on and promote it on your show.

• 12:33Speaker 03

  Sorry. Oh, so you'll come when it's time to promote something? Okay.

• 12:38Speaker 03

  Well, I hope you get the word out on Black Rabbit.

• 12:42Jason Bateman?

  Call Adam immediately.

• 12:44Speaker 03

  Listen, listen, guys, let's end on a happy note, which is it's the holidays. And hey, you're the best looking guys I know. I love you guys, you're hilarious.

• 12:55Jason Bateman?

  Love you too, Conan.

• 12:56Will Arnett?

  The broom.

• 12:57Speaker 03

  Two of you have meant a lot to me. And I just wanna say I look forward to seeing you at my party. And then we'll all leave after three minutes and go to Jen's.

• 13:12Sean Hayes?

  Thank you Conan for the holiday cheer. We love you.

• 13:15Speaker 03

  God bless you. God bless you all.

• 13:16Jason Bateman?

  Conan, I love you and I'm sorry.

• 13:18Speaker 03

  No, no, no.

• 13:19Jason Bateman?

  The payback's gonna be, you're gonna feel horrible how much I give.

• 13:26Jason Bateman?

  In the days to come.

• 13:27Will Arnett?

  In the days to come, when your podcast this Saturday, he's gonna give a speech.

• 13:31Speaker 03

  Oh, good.

• 13:31Will Arnett?

  Standing next to the ham.

• 13:34Jason Bateman?

  I'm gonna bring 16 hams.

• 13:37Speaker 03

  Guys, I gotta go. T-Swift is here. Peace out.

• 13:40Will Arnett?

  Peace out. Thank you, Conan. You're the best.

• 13:42Jason Bateman?

  Love you, Conan.

• 13:43Speaker 03

  Bye, you guys.

• 13:44Jason Bateman?

  God damn it.