A wet one, wind on the golf course and Rosie needs a minute

On the podcast this week Rosie has reverted back to Pj's and fake tan! The couple discuss pigeons, rats and if it's normal to have garlic bread with every meal! Rosie chats about her new TV show and Chris shares an unfortunate event that happened on the golf course. All of this plus beefs, an Agadoo update, questions from the public and the big guns are called in to settle a dispute!! If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch! 📧: [email protected] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Coming up on this week's episode of Shag Married Annoyed, we talk-

• 0:03Speaker 01

  Pigeons in the rain.

• 0:04Speaker 00

  Greasy rats. Pigeons in the rain and greasy rats.

• 0:09Speaker 01

  I've got a new TV show.

• 0:10Speaker 00

  You have, very exciting. Sandra weighs in on an argument.

• 0:13Speaker 01

  She can do one. Chris has a golf disaster.

• 0:17Speaker 00

  It's the worst.

• 0:18Speaker 01

  We've got beefs as usual.

• 0:20Speaker 00

  And we've got voice notes and emails from you lovely lot, which includes possibly the worst bit of sex talk we might have ever heard. Enjoy.

• 0:29Speaker 02

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• 0:59Speaker 01

  Hello, you all listening and possibly watching Shag Married Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey and my husband, Chris Ramsey.

• 1:05Speaker 00

  Hello.

• 1:06Speaker 01

  Just for anybody watching, I am in my pyjamas. I'm in the last two nights' pyjamas, they're ready for the wash, and I've got me tan on.

• 1:13Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:13Speaker 01

  Okay, so.

• 1:15Speaker 00

  So.

• 1:15Speaker 01

  This is why I look.

• 1:17Speaker 00

  Mark it in your calendars, mark it down guys in your diaries, today was the day she gave up.

• 1:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, I couldn't give a shit.

• 1:24Speaker 00

  Today was the day she finally gave up. I'm giving up in a way because what I've started doing is-

• 1:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:29Speaker 00

  I've ran out of shirts that I haven't worn the podcast.

• 1:32Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:32Speaker 00

  So what I like to do now is I wear the shirt that I've worn before and I put a t-shirt underneath it so it looks completely different.

• 1:38Speaker 01

  You know what that's called?

• 1:39Speaker 00

  What?

• 1:39Speaker 01

  A console wardrobe.

• 1:41Speaker 00

  Really?

• 1:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're just mixing and matching. Good for you.

• 1:44Speaker 00

  Console wardrobe was a wardrobe full of Playstations and Xboxes. And my right guy, hello, he's on tour, he's on chrisramseycomedy.com for-

• 1:54Speaker 01

  No, you actually, what colour is that? Teal?

• 1:57Speaker 00

  I would imagine a teal.

• 1:58Speaker 01

  You suit that colour. I think that could be your colour. Do you know what, isn't your colour?

• 2:03Speaker 00

  Don't, what?

• 2:03Speaker 01

  Fucking burgundy, burgundy.

• 2:05Speaker 00

  Great, right.

• 2:07Speaker 01

  What?

• 2:07Speaker 00

  First of all, don't be telling us that teal's my colour because you know I'm obsessive and you know I'm weird with colours.

• 2:11Speaker 01

  You really suit it, it makes it, it pops.

• 2:13Speaker 00

  I'll be head to toe in teal for, I'll be head to toe in teal every single day now, so don't.

• 2:15Speaker 01

  Am I right or am I right?

• 2:16Speaker 00

  I'll be bloody Timmy, Timothy Teal, right?

• 2:20Speaker 00

  Can't be bothered. I'm not changing me marriage certificate and all that stuff, right, packing it.

• 2:26Speaker 00

  New driving licence, Timothy Teal. New character, Timothy Teal, head to toe in teal. So listen, in, I went through me notes this morning preparing for the podcast and in honour of your new tanned up, let's be honest, relaxed look.

• 2:41Speaker 01

  Well, there is a, we're going away tomorrow, we're going to a friend's wedding in Leggada.

• 2:45Speaker 00

  Very exciting. Do you know it's the first time since Rafe that we've been away that isn't a work trip without the kids?

• 2:51Speaker 01

  Is it?

• 2:52Speaker 00

  We've never been away, like away away, anyway, apart from, I think we've been to Northumberland a couple of times.

• 2:58Speaker 01

  Always work.

• 2:59Speaker 00

  Always work.

• 3:00Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 3:01Speaker 00

  A train or a plane, it's always with the kids or it's always work. We've never done a plane, just me and you on a little trip since, since before Rafe was born.

• 3:08Speaker 01

  Oh shit.

• 3:09Speaker 00

  Isn't that crazy?

• 3:09Speaker 01

  Guess what?

• 3:10Speaker 00

  What?

• 3:10Speaker 01

  Guess who else is coming?

• 3:12Speaker 00

  Your period.

• 3:12Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 3:17Speaker 01

  She's-

• 3:18Speaker 00

  Hello mate, alright, it's Chris. Sorry, two seconds, I'm just making a phone call. Hello mate, alright, it's Chris, yeah, your wedding, I can't make it anymore, sorry.

• 3:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, stomach's come up, stomach big, red and angry and not happening, like, okay, yeah, have a good day, right, yeah, all the best to you and your future wife, bye.

• 3:35Speaker 01

  So, sorry about that.

• 3:36Speaker 00

  So there we go. But listen, in honour of your new relaxed look.

• 3:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:41Speaker 00

  I'm gonna, I went through me notes in me, in me phone and I found a new, a new nickname that I tried on once for size with you and I don't know if you really realised it, but I'm gonna hit you with it now and it's gonna be your new little nickname. Remember when I called you a chocolate little shit pig? Just a quick one, much snappier, but I think it really suits your look today.

• 3:57Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 3:58Speaker 00

  Me little shit pasty.

• 4:04Speaker 00

  Here's me little, how's me little shit pasty?

• 4:06Speaker 01

  I like it, I like it. What's your favourite kind of pasty?

• 4:09Speaker 00

  Don't like pasties, too much, too much going on. I will have a-

• 4:12Speaker 01

  How could you not like a pasty?

• 4:14Speaker 00

  Just don't like them, it's too much going on. I do like, I've had a sausage and bean melt a few times, I do like them, but they're either, no shade on Greg's, you know I love Greg's, but they're either molten hot or freezing cold, there's no in-between, you've got to catch them, I don't know how early you've got to get up to catch them, that. I'm a sausage roll guy, I'm a sausage roll guy and if they're just tempered, I can eat about 20 of them. Absolutely unbelievable. Cold, nah, boiling hot, nah.

• 4:38Speaker 01

  You can't be a sausage roll like.

• 4:39Speaker 00

  Can't meet a Greg sausage roll, but yeah.

• 4:41Speaker 01

  Oh, I had one hungover in Edinburgh, but I very rarely eat pastry anymore.

• 4:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:45Speaker 01

  It's like, you know, when you're just trying to be good.

• 4:46Speaker 00

  Well, I make Col eats pasties outside of the van when we're on tour because I'm not having pastry, it's all over there, I'm not having it.

• 4:52Speaker 01

  This isn't interesting.

• 4:53Speaker 00

  No?

• 4:53Speaker 01

  So, let's carry on.

• 4:55Speaker 00

  Okay, shit pasty has cracked the whip pasty and there we go. Guys, thank you so much for listening, thank you so much for being here, thank you so much for being part of the old Shagged Married Annoyed world, we really do appreciate you listening. And please, if you're on YouTube, it can like and rate and all that stuff and subscribe, that would be great. Now, listen, without further ado, it's time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. And it is the time of year, the autumn is coming, the nice weather's probably behind we.

• 5:18Speaker 01

  It's hot today.

• 5:19Speaker 00

  And you're gonna see, it is quite hot, fucking hot yesterday as well, and you're gonna see more and more of this and I'm telling you, it's, they're interesting to look at, but they sometimes really make us sad and I can't look at them for too long. This week's lucrative sponsor is pigeons looking gutted in the rain.

• 5:33Speaker 01

  Oh, they don't move?

• 5:34Speaker 00

  I tell you what.

• 5:35Speaker 01

  Why don't they move?

• 5:36Speaker 00

  Rosie, I keep thinking they're dead.

• 5:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, they've, they've blown up and don't move.

• 5:40Speaker 00

  They sit on the, on the, on a bit of concrete or whatever and they hold their wings out like as if they're kind of like, bleh, like as if they've just put a load of suitcases down and they're just fucking sitting there and I'm like, is that a dead pigeon? And it just like, they make us look, they make us feel so sad.

• 5:53Speaker 01

  What is that about?

• 5:54Speaker 00

  They look gutted. Anyone know what the pigeons are doing emailing? They look fucking devastated and I can't look at them for too long, I just wanna cry.

• 6:02Speaker 01

  Like a protection thing?

• 6:04Speaker 00

  Maybe they're getting a wash, I don't know.

• 6:06Speaker 01

  Oh, maybe it's to get in a wash? Maybe they're fluffing up their little feathers to get a wash?

• 6:10Speaker 00

  I don't know what it is, but they're just like-

• 6:11Speaker 01

  It's horrible.

• 6:12Speaker 00

  You look out, they, they, they look hungover.

• 6:14Speaker 01

  I know.

• 6:14Speaker 00

  Like, is that pigeon, is that pigeon hanging out of its arse?

• 6:17Speaker 01

  I'm sick of them flying out our windows all the time.

• 6:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, they, yeah.

• 6:21Speaker 01

  It's so upsetting.

• 6:21Speaker 00

  Anyone out there, if you've got a big part of your door, they'll fucking smash in there.

• 6:24Speaker 01

  Oh my god, do you see the one on the downstairs sitting room door?

• 6:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:28Speaker 01

  Where the guts and that, all his dinner.

• 6:30Speaker 00

  What? No, I didn't see, all his dinner.

• 6:33Speaker 01

  All his dinner, he must have hit the window with such speed, all his dinner came out. I had to wash it off, I've got a picture of it. You look, absolutely disgusting. I mean, god, are you alright? Like, is he dead?

• 6:46Speaker 00

  All his dinner came out.

• 6:48Speaker 01

  All his dinner, look at the, you're gonna die.

• 6:49Speaker 00

  It was on the window.

• 6:50Speaker 01

  It was on the window, to the point where Robin was like, it was a few days I hadn't washed it off and Robin was like, ma'am, are you gonna wash that off?

• 6:56Speaker 00

  There's stuff, there's stuff you get away with when I'm not here, honestly.

• 7:00Speaker 01

  What do you mean?

• 7:00Speaker 00

  It's a fucking lawless wasteland when I'm not here. Give me see this, I need to see it.

• 7:04Speaker 01

  Well, hang on just one minute, sorry.

• 7:05Speaker 00

  Is it safe to put on, is it safe to post on now? Will you be able to show people it?

• 7:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think so, hang on.

• 7:14Speaker 01

  Look at him, there's his dinner.

• 7:16Speaker 00

  Oh, for fuck's sake. God, what are they covered in? What is the white residue that they leave on my windows?

• 7:25Speaker 00

  Oh my god! Oh, it's like running down, oh, that's horrible. Sorry, sorry everyone, I know it's a podcast, I know it's an audio medium, but that is, that is rotten. Sometimes, gotta be honest with you, sometimes they hit the window and it looks like, you know them big wing graffiti that people all stand in front of and get their photos taken on Instagram?

• 7:43Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, it's, yeah.

• 7:43Speaker 00

  It looks fucking majestic sometimes.

• 7:44Speaker 01

  It does look quite nice, but when you've got to wash it off after.

• 7:46Speaker 00

  They're a dusty bird, they're a dusty bird.

• 7:48Speaker 01

  Well, it's like rats, right?

• 7:51Speaker 00

  They've got a load of grease on them.

• 7:52Speaker 01

  They've got loads of grease on them, do you know why? I told you about that, didn't I? Because they stick, rats like stick to the walls and like, in the sewers and that, they're just on the wall, just like gathering all of the shit and all of the-

• 8:04Speaker 00

  They don't stick to the wall, you mean they hug the wall?

• 8:06Speaker 01

  The what?

• 8:07Speaker 00

  They hug the wall, like they stay, yeah.

• 8:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 8:09Speaker 00

  So if you've got mice or rats in your house, don't put a rat trap or a mouse trap in the middle of the room, it's never gonna go there, they stay on that.

• 8:14Speaker 01

  They stay on the periphery.

• 8:15Speaker 00

  You said stick to the walls, like, like you know them jelly things, them sticky things just to get when you're a kid and you could throw them and they would stick on the wall and our kids throw them and they stick on the wall. They, they stay next to the wall.

• 8:27Speaker 01

  They stay next to the wall.

• 8:28Speaker 00

  Stick, fucking spider man.

• 8:29Speaker 01

  Hang out on the periphery.

• 8:30Speaker 00

  Spider rat, spider rat.

• 8:32Speaker 01

  Does whatever the spider rat does.

• 8:34Speaker 00

  There it is. Right, good, let's get the intro on, let's crack on.

• 8:39Speaker 01

  We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Baba do, baba do, baba do, ba. Jingle!

• 8:59Speaker 01

  Hello and welcome back to this week's episode. Hope you're all well. I hope you're all keeping well, keeping canny. Kids are back at school. Life is nice.

• 9:07Speaker 00

  Life is good.

• 9:08Speaker 01

  Blah, blah, blah.

• 9:08Speaker 00

  Bloody, bloody, blah. Um, listen, straight away, I just wanna say, uh, thank you to everyone who's been coming to me to our shows so far. They've been absolutely fantastic. Um, crowds are amazing. Still loads more to go.

• 9:19Speaker 01

  I was going through the diary with me mum.

• 9:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:21Speaker 01

  Just a lot of, a lot of shit going on. Oh god.

• 9:24Speaker 00

  There is. Well, because actually, big news, you've got a, you've got a TV show to announce.

• 9:28Speaker 01

  I do, yeah.

• 9:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:29Speaker 01

  Yeah. Twice the food, half the price.

• 9:31Speaker 00

  Do you wanna give everyone a little, a little, a little taste of what it is?

• 9:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, so it's in, it's on Chan- it's gonna be on Channel 4 next year.

• 9:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:38Speaker 01

  And it's in connection with Little.

• 9:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:39Speaker 01

  And it's just trying to, um, half people's shopping bills.

• 9:44Speaker 00

  At a time when, uh, food's extremely expensive.

• 9:47Speaker 01

  Absolutely, absolutely. And it's just showing people eat better ways to cook and to get more value for their money because, we're working with a chef, Board of Lunch Nathan.

• 9:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:57Speaker 01

  Lovely guy. I met him last week.

• 9:59Speaker 00

  Nice.

• 9:59Speaker 01

  And he's gonna be preparing all of the food. And we're gonna go around the country and we're gonna meet loads of families, which I'm really looking forward to.

• 10:06Speaker 00

  Class.

• 10:06Speaker 01

  Cause you know, I watch all these type, like, type of programmes.

• 10:09Speaker 00

  When you said you were doing it, it's right up your street.

• 10:10Speaker 01

  I know, so I'm really excited and we're gonna chat to them and see what the crack is and try to get their, uh, shopping bills down.

• 10:17Speaker 00

  Well, there we go.

• 10:17Speaker 01

  And, uh, and I'm gonna get to eat loads.

• 10:20Speaker 00

  I love chefs, you know, a proper.

• 10:22Speaker 01

  I'm so excited. Like, literally.

• 10:24Speaker 00

  Love knocking about with chefs, yeah. So cool.

• 10:26Speaker 01

  My favourite times on telly have been on cookery programmes.

• 10:29Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 10:30Speaker 01

  And I'm just sort of like, so now we've just eaten it all.

• 10:32Speaker 00

  Brilliant.

• 10:33Speaker 01

  Yeah. So I'm really looking forward to it. It's a bit different for me. I'm not working with you.

• 10:39Speaker 01

  Oh, we're gonna live.

• 10:40Speaker 00

  Nick off. Nickin' off.

• 10:43Speaker 01

  I'm gonna start a new podcast with Nathan.

• 10:45Speaker 00

  Brilliant. Nickin' off twice.

• 10:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:47Speaker 00

  Remember, did you have, did you have that when you were a kid? Or the, other kids, when you went and knocked around with some other kid would call you a nick off?

• 10:52Speaker 01

  Nickin' off.

• 10:53Speaker 00

  Look at you, nickin' off. Look at you, nickin' off. It was like, it was like, it was the predecessor to new friends. Oh, ooh, friend.

• 11:00Speaker 01

  I wonder if these sayings are still a thing, nickin' off?

• 11:02Speaker 00

  No, I don't think nickin' off is because even when I said it to you, you didn't know what the fuck was going on.

• 11:05Speaker 01

  No, I did. Sorry. I was just already, I was already gutted about how badly I explained the TV programme that I'm about to do.

• 11:12Speaker 00

  Great.

• 11:12Speaker 01

  So I'm already thinking ahead, thinking, why have I just said all of that?

• 11:17Speaker 00

  Do you wanna do it again?

• 11:18Speaker 01

  Nah.

• 11:18Speaker 00

  Nah.

• 11:20Speaker 00

  There's the authenticity of the podcast.

• 11:21Speaker 01

  It'll be really nice and it'll be good fun and, uh, I'm genuinely looking forward to it.

• 11:25Speaker 00

  Brilliant.

• 11:25Speaker 01

  Yay. Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba.

• 11:28Speaker 00

  Well, I have been having a lovely time on tour.

• 11:31Speaker 01

  I know, yeah.

• 11:31Speaker 00

  At this point, honestly, it's more of a golf trip with some gigs on the night is the best way to describe it. What?

• 11:38Speaker 01

  Just nothing.

• 11:39Speaker 00

  Oh, great. Uh, she's remembered a beef. Um, it's more of a golf trip with gigs on the night, but I'm not out there, Rosie, having a lovely time. 100% of the time when I'm out there.

• 11:49Speaker 01

  Right.

• 11:50Speaker 00

  One of the worst things to ever happen to me before a game of golf happened the other day, and I've been saving it. And I hope you enjoy it. There's a little bit of, what's it called? Sch- schattenfreude?

• 12:01Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 12:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, cause.

• 12:03Speaker 01

  You shit yourself?

• 12:03Speaker 00

  No. Um.

• 12:04Speaker 01

  Piss yourself?

• 12:05Speaker 00

  Stop it.

• 12:06Speaker 01

  Do you get stiffy on the golf?

• 12:07Speaker 00

  I've always got stiffy on the golf, god. Um, don't take clubs, just hit it with me, hit it with my dick. Um.

• 12:19Speaker 01

  You're horrible. This podcast is horrible.

• 12:21Speaker 00

  You said it. So listen, um, I was, before you go on to the, you get there a bit early, you're signing and there's normally a little putting green, you know, with, you know, like, like what you said, we're getting our garden, um, with loads of holes.

• 12:33Speaker 01

  We're not getting a putting green in the garden. We are not getting a putting, Chris.

• 12:37Speaker 00

  She'll come round.

• 12:37Speaker 01

  Chris.

• 12:38Speaker 00

  Guys, she'll come round.

• 12:39Speaker 01

  Chris? It's not, no, it's not happening.

• 12:42Speaker 00

  She'll come round, guys. She'll come round.

• 12:45Speaker 01

  Are you actually taking the piss? Cause we'll have, we've had a discussion about it.

• 12:48Speaker 00

  So, so have me and the guys at.

• 12:51Speaker 01

  You can fuck off. No, because this is what he does. This is what he does. Don't. Don't.

• 12:59Speaker 00

  I'm not gonna, I was just talking.

• 13:00Speaker 01

  Don't, because do you know what it is? This is what, oh, right, okay. There's a spindle missing on our staircase, right? A spindle, it's been missing. What, Robin was.

• 13:10Speaker 00

  Kicked it out. Robin kicked, kicked the wooden spindle out, like a, like a psychopath.

• 13:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, he was hanging on something anyway.

• 13:15Speaker 00

  Turner and hooch.

• 13:15Speaker 01

  It's been missing for months.

• 13:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:17Speaker 01

  I don't feel like I'm up to the job of fixing that, right?

• 13:20Speaker 00

  I can't fix a spindle. I'm not a, I'm not a joiner.

• 13:22Speaker 01

  You could staple it or something, or glue it or something.

• 13:25Speaker 00

  Stable it? He's fucking snapped the whole thing. I could go and replace him one, but yeah, I'm busy, man.

• 13:30Speaker 01

  No, because, no, because what'll happen is, you'll, you organise just things for yourself, so you probably will have had a man to look round at the garden without my knowledge. And you'll be planning this little shitty little putting, putting green on the lawn.

• 13:41Speaker 00

  He's out there now, he's out there now, digging it. Don't look at the window.

• 13:42Speaker 01

  But you won't fix that spindle on the staircase?

• 13:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, cause I don't care about the spindle. Well, I don't understand what you don't, this is very, it's very simple. I don't care about the spindle.

• 13:51Speaker 01

  You're a living squalor. And as well, when you're not here, it's so much tidier. You are a messy person. You love to say it's me. When you're not here, this house is nipping when you're here. It's a clip. I'm telling you right now, everything the last seven years is all bullshit. You've tried to gaslit me, right? Gaslight. You tried to gaslight me into ta- into saying that I'm messy and all this shit. When you're not here, immaculate.

• 14:14Speaker 00

  And I, I.

• 14:15Speaker 01

  You use seven pans to cook a fucking breakfast.

• 14:19Speaker 00

  I swore I was never gonna tell you that this was said because I didn't want you to ever fall out with your mum.

• 14:23Speaker 01

  Don't. Mum!

• 14:25Speaker 00

  But your mum said to me, when you were away the other week, you were away for a few days and I was in, and she came round and she said, eh, you can tell Rosie's not here cause it's dead tidy. She said that to my face and I'm throwing her under the bus because you are full of shit.

• 14:39Speaker 01

  She can fuck off.

• 14:41Speaker 00

  You are full of shit.

• 14:43Speaker 01

  She can fuck off.

• 14:45Speaker 00

  She's ringing her.

• 14:47Speaker 00

  It's tense.

• 14:49Speaker 01

  This is bullshit. It's not, it's you. It's you that's messy. It's not me. Why's it not answering? She's.

• 14:56Speaker 00

  It's not ringing?

• 14:57Speaker 01

  Why's it not ringing? I don't have, I've got no service. Why is it not working?

• 15:01Speaker 00

  Oh, it'll ring her.

• 15:03Speaker 01

  Let me use your phone.

• 15:09Speaker 03

  Hi, Chris.

• 15:10Speaker 01

  It's not Chris, it's me. Hi.

• 15:12Speaker 03

  Oh, hello.

• 15:12Speaker 01

  Hello, question. Did you say to Chris that the house is tidier when I'm not here?

• 15:18Speaker 03

  Uh, yes.

• 15:19Speaker 00

  Yes!

• 15:23Speaker 01

  I don't think that's true.

• 15:25Speaker 03

  Well, no, it's no, but what the guy, we had a tour, I said after.

• 15:29Speaker 01

  Oh, what did you say after?

• 15:30Speaker 00

  Oh, this is bullshit. Whatever you say now.

• 15:32Speaker 03

  Basically said, cause he said, eh, mine don't see that, Rosie, I should be upset. I went, eh? I said, you're joking. I went, your room's not normal. I said, yes, I'm standing here, Tony, I have to empty the dishwasher, I'm not looking here. So he's basically going around cleaning while I'm standing there. And I went, that's why the house is tidier when you're not there because he, he's basically got a brush up his arse constantly.

• 15:51Speaker 01

  But I don't agree. When he's away, it's actually tidier. Mammy uses about six pans to make an omelette.

• 15:58Speaker 03

  Yes, but he cleans the bathroom self.

• 16:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, there it is.

• 16:00Speaker 01

  So do I.

• 16:01Speaker 00

  Nah.

• 16:02Speaker 03

  Well, Rosie, it was just an observation. That was all.

• 16:05Speaker 01

  You're upset.

• 16:06Speaker 00

  It was a very astute, correct observation and you should be commended for how observational you are.

• 16:11Speaker 01

  Okay, fair enough.

• 16:12Speaker 03

  There you go, man. Be a good boy.

• 16:14Speaker 00

  Bye. Thank you, Sandra. Love you. Bye.

• 16:16Speaker 01

  Remember, you're my mum, not her, okay?

• 16:19Speaker 03

  Listen, tell him, tell him it's only you. I have a glass of wine with you.

• 16:22Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 16:23Speaker 03

  He never offers me a glass of wine, does he?

• 16:25Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, but he doesn't.

• 16:26Speaker 00

  She's not drinking my wine, goodness.

• 16:27Speaker 03

  Drinks his best stuff. He kicks me out of it. Bye.

• 16:30Speaker 01

  Alright, love you, bye.

• 16:31Speaker 03

  Don't let me know, right here. Love you, bye.

• 16:35Speaker 00

  So, let's all just take stock of what just happened. What happened was, you started talking some shit and I proved you wrong.

• 16:45Speaker 01

  I ju- honestly though, I, I feel like when you're not here. It, I just, it is tidier.

• 16:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, well, yeah, yeah. And it's lovely that you feel that and thank you for voicing it, but as we've just found out, you're wrong. Now, I have been.

• 17:00Speaker 01

  I just, I don't think I'm wrong. It genuinely is like, you use so much stuff. You use ev- like, you just use everything.

• 17:09Speaker 00

  That's just, hey, the.

• 17:11Speaker 01

  You don't make the bed.

• 17:12Speaker 00

  Oh, that doesn't count.

• 17:14Speaker 01

  You don't rinse, you constantly leave like beard hairs all over the sink.

• 17:18Speaker 00

  Ah, we're talking about kitchen and living spaces. We're not talking about sinks and stuff.

• 17:22Speaker 01

  Well, I'm talking about the whole house.

• 17:23Speaker 00

  Ah, okay, okay.

• 17:27Speaker 00

  Oh, good you are. Shall we have a quick?

• 17:30Speaker 01

  What an absolute bitch. No, she's such a, she's lying.

• 17:36Speaker 00

  Shall we have a quick babadu bar and maybe an ad so that you calm down and then come back and I'll tell you why I had a terrible day at golf?

• 17:42Speaker 01

  Complete fucking lie. Alright, what happened to golf? No, come on, I'm alright, I'm over it.

• 17:45Speaker 00

  You're gonna enjoy it. You're gonna enjoy it, Rosie, right? So there's a, there's a.

• 17:49Speaker 01

  Judas.

• 17:50Speaker 00

  There's a, there's a putting green and everyone's got a putting green. And there's a path that goes next to putting green and there's a wall. So it's not, it's quite narrow. Loads of people have put their bags there. And, uh, people are practicing putting and everyone's waiting to tee off. And there's a guy standing and he's got his back to my bag. And I sort of walk round the back of me bag. So he's standing, looking at the putting green and then there's a little bit of path, my bag wall. There's not much space.

• 18:09Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 18:10Speaker 00

  And I get in between him and me bag and I'm getting down on all fours, getting stuff out of the bottom of the bag.

• 18:13Speaker 01

  Your golf bag, by the way, not just a backpack.

• 18:15Speaker 00

  No, it's a golf bag. And I'm down, I think I'm getting balls out the bottom little thing of the bag. And this man I don't know, knocked out the biggest fart basically into me face.

• 18:27Speaker 01

  Why?

• 18:28Speaker 00

  He didn't realise I was there. He literally, I got back behind, right? And it was, I'm, this is fucking 10 o'clock in the morning, right? Just, pff, I ah, and I just turned.

• 18:37Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 18:37Speaker 00

  And I stood up and looked at him and he went, oh, sorry mate, I didn't, I didn't know there was anyone there. I was, I felt like being sick.

• 18:44Speaker 01

  Somebody farted in your face?

• 18:46Speaker 00

  In me fucking mouth.

• 18:48Speaker 01

  Why didn't you tell us?

• 18:49Speaker 00

  Cause I've been saving it for this. Yeah? Literally, pff, I ah, and I stood, I like bolted up, right? And I looked at him and he went, oh, he fucking no sold it. He went, oh, sorry mate, I didn't know you were there. And I went, oh, thanks mate, yeah.

• 19:01Speaker 01

  No, he's a nutter.

• 19:02Speaker 00

  And then he turned back round the face again.

• 19:02Speaker 01

  He knew you were there, he's nuts. He's just, he's held that fart and he's just, he wants to fart in your face.

• 19:07Speaker 00

  Unbelievable.

• 19:07Speaker 01

  I can't believe someone farted in your face!

• 19:11Speaker 00

  Rosie, it was, uh, the first three holes, I couldn't play golf. You know me, I couldn't play golf. I was thinking about his diet. I was thinking about how.

• 19:18Speaker 01

  You don't shake people's hands. Never mind someone farting in your, someone's feces, particles.

• 19:23Speaker 00

  Tell you, probably went in me mouth.

• 19:25Speaker 01

  Did it smell?

• 19:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, it smelled a bit. I was devastated. And we're outside as well. I was just like, still bit. He's like, I'm alright. It was honestly, it was horrible. It was horrible. It was horrible. It was absolutely.

• 19:38Speaker 00

  And I saw him in the bar afterwards and I like looked at him as if to go, like, you alright? And he was just like, look at us and just didn't, no soul, it didn't even recognise us. If I accidentally farted in someone's face, I would shut me eyes and see them.

• 19:48Speaker 01

  I, no, I don't think you can fart in someone's, he would have known you were there. You can it, man.

• 19:54Speaker 00

  Maybe he was trying to sneak it out quietly and it made a noise, but it was, it was horrible. It's up there with the worst starts at any morning I've ever had, ever.

• 20:06Speaker 00

  Horrible.

• 20:08Speaker 01

  He told Robin?

• 20:10Speaker 00

  No, Robin will die. Robin will die. I told Carl in the caravan, Carl was just like, are you fucking serious? I was like, yeah, he was like, that's the worst thing in the world.

• 20:18Speaker 01

  I've never had anyone fart on me face. That's so bad.

• 20:22Speaker 00

  The spitting and farting that goes on on the golf course, it's disgusting. It used to be a gentleman's game, it's gone downhill. I don't know what's going on.

• 20:27Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 20:27Speaker 00

  Hockling, farting.

• 20:29Speaker 01

  Chris.

• 20:30Speaker 00

  People, most people, you hear, you hear it like echoing over, you think, they're gonna shit their pants. It's insane. Insane.

• 20:42Speaker 04

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• 21:12Speaker 05

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• 21:24Speaker 06

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• 21:32Speaker 05

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• 21:34Speaker 06

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• 21:42Speaker 00

  It's time for what's your beep?

• 21:48Speaker 00

  Now, I haven't been here and I've been away gigging on my tour, christhamsycomedy.com for tickets. So I can't imagine you've got any problem with me at all.

• 21:58Speaker 01

  I know, there's a few, there's a few. I'm still upset about my mum being here.

• 22:03Speaker 00

  What can I say, two thirds?

• 22:05Speaker 01

  Judas bitch.

• 22:06Speaker 00

  Two thirds, Judas bitch, Judas bitch, very good, new bad name.

• 22:11Speaker 01

  Anyway.

• 22:11Speaker 00

  Come on then, what's your problem?

• 22:12Speaker 01

  So, no, it's like, it's not horrendous.

• 22:16Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 22:16Speaker 01

  But it's been the last few times, so I very much make most of the meals, okay? And every time that.

• 22:27Speaker 00

  Do you know what? I'm sorry. I apologize for this one. Tell everyone what it is and I do apologize.

• 22:32Speaker 01

  Like, okay, if you're listening and you make the dinner in your house, it takes, takes a real, cooking is like a real skill.

• 22:42Speaker 00

  Timing, isn't it?

• 22:42Speaker 01

  To make sure that everything's hot at the same time.

• 22:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:45Speaker 01

  Like, I've got timers going off, you know, every other minute, putting your stupid goddamn garlic bread in and like.

• 22:52Speaker 00

  Still having garlic bread with every meal, everyone, by the way, just so you know.

• 22:54Speaker 01

  How, I don't even know how you think.

• 22:55Speaker 00

  You forgot to do it last night, but I let you off.

• 23:00Speaker 01

  Would you have had garlic? Oh.

• 23:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:01Speaker 01

  It was not a meal to have garlic bread with.

• 23:03Speaker 00

  Every meal is a meal to have garlic bread with, apart from pizza.

• 23:06Speaker 01

  Salmon, hassle back potatoes and cabbage, you haven't garlic bread?

• 23:09Speaker 00

  Hundred percent.

• 23:10Speaker 01

  Oh, you, absolutely. How are you thin? How? How?

• 23:15Speaker 00

  Anxiety and golf and jiu jitsu.

• 23:19Speaker 01

  God, anyway, so yeah, so.

• 23:21Speaker 00

  I've been for fucking months, I need to go back.

• 23:23Speaker 01

  I know. So cooking, it just takes ages and it's like, you need everything to be at the right temperature. And then I'll say to you, I'll shout or whatever and I'll say like, dinner's ready and you're like, oh, I'm going, and you're just doing something else?

• 23:34Speaker 00

  Just being.

• 23:35Speaker 01

  And you just.

• 23:35Speaker 00

  Tidy it normally because I'm such a tidy person.

• 23:39Speaker 01

  Don't push it. I'm not in the mood. Not in the fucking mood today.

• 23:45Speaker 01

  It's just upsetting because I'm like, I've just spent ages making this tea. And I'm, one, I'm sat eating it on my own and two, it's just getting cold.

• 23:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, I apologize.

• 23:52Speaker 01

  And you're the kind of person, you're the kind, no, but you're the kind of nut that who would come and be like, oh, it's cold? I'd be like, you've, you've decided to take the bins out?

• 24:00Speaker 00

  I apologize, no, I apologize. I was taking the bins out and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, very good. Chores, stuff around the house.

• 24:07Speaker 01

  No, you were sorting out the hot tub. I didn't need sorting out at all. Do it after you've ate your tea.

• 24:12Speaker 00

  Okay, I'll just, again, the guy from the place did say it was the best kept residential hot tub he's ever seen. And that, that does put pressure on and you keep that standing up for the next time they come around to do anything with it. But yeah, no, when you're, I apologize, when you're nice, I didn't think of it, when you're nice enough to cook dinner for us, to not be like ready and waiting when it's there, to have it just sitting on the plate and be fanning on, it's very rude and I do apologize.

• 24:33Speaker 01

  That is rude.

• 24:33Speaker 00

  So there we go.

• 24:34Speaker 01

  Thank you for apologising. What's your beef with me?

• 24:36Speaker 00

  My beef with you, I had one in the, in the, in the cocked and locked and ready to rock.

• 24:42Speaker 01

  Ooh.

• 24:42Speaker 00

  But then I've replaced it with something that happened just this morning. Not entirely your fault, but I was fuming about it.

• 24:48Speaker 01

  I haven't done anything?

• 24:49Speaker 00

  You have. So this morning.

• 24:51Speaker 01

  I can't wait to fart on your face.

• 24:55Speaker 01

  In late order, in bed, when you're asleep, I'm gonna, honestly, I'm gonna have six boiled eggs. I'm gonna brew.

• 25:03Speaker 00

  That's disgusting.

• 25:03Speaker 01

  The fuck, don't mind my fart, I'm gonna fart right in your face. And then you're gonna go, oh, I'm gonna go, oh, sorry.

• 25:11Speaker 00

  Fucking nonchalant twat that he was. Can just say, by the way, everyone, in between record, Rosie was like still reeling about it and I just said, you're probably the, probably the fifth person whose face he's farted on that day, just thinking that's his thing. Anyway, so my beef with you.

• 25:28Speaker 00

  You bought online, which is very lovely, because we're all a bit wired in our house. And Robin had these clickers, these little, it's like a little, it's like three sort of keys from an old fashioned keyboard. Four keys from an old fashioned keyboard on a little clicker, it's like a fidget toy. So Robin had one and you were using it because you loved it. I like it as well, it's amazing.

• 25:48Speaker 01

  Have you seen my fingers?

• 25:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, because you bite them.

• 25:50Speaker 01

  The inside of my mouth, I'm a clip.

• 25:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, so you bite them.

• 25:52Speaker 01

  I need.

• 25:53Speaker 00

  Like a fidget thing, yeah, great. So you obviously bought them. I noticed that they came in like a pack of three or something. Well, so you bought. Right, so you bought enough to basically have Robin one, me one, you one, and it was like, oh, we've all got one each, which was lovely and we had it this morning, we did a bit clicking.

• 26:07Speaker 01

  What have I done?

• 26:08Speaker 00

  Both kids took them in the car on the school run this morning, right?

• 26:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:14Speaker 00

  I'm not kidding, I can still hear it.

• 26:17Speaker 01

  It's like working in an office.

• 26:18Speaker 00

  Rosie, I can still hear it. It was non-stop relentless clicking of little keyboards. It was like working in some way, like a word processing thing. Or do you know what, like, you know what, like Mad Men or something, not like Mad Men, the cutaway, yeah, the typewriters, the women workers, like.

• 26:37Speaker 01

  I find that quite relaxing though, I find the sound of it relaxing.

• 26:39Speaker 00

  Trying to navigate the traffic on a morning, it was fucking horrible, non-stop. It was like, you know that thing, you know, people say if you give infinite monkeys infinite typewriters, an infinite amount of time, they'd eventually come up with the works of Shakespeare. It was like the soundtrack of that. It was like what that would sound like.

• 26:55Speaker 01

  Right, okay. It's just not like you to get wound up by something really small.

• 27:00Speaker 00

  Really enjoying it and I know it's like probably a good thing just to chill them before school, so I put up with it. But I was just like, anyone who beeped at us, I'd have cried, I'd have burst into tears.

• 27:09Speaker 01

  It's just not like you.

• 27:12Speaker 01

  So this is what's always upsetting about this podcast, I end up being like the really vocal one and you are, you're a mess.

• 27:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's fine.

• 27:21Speaker 01

  No, but you don't, this is not the real him, by the way. Because you come on here and actually, you, you, you put, this is all a show. You put a show on, you're a mess.

• 27:32Speaker 00

  Oh yeah, of course, but that wouldn't be funny. I mean, it's funny, sometimes I let it out now and then, but then I just, turn it off like a light switch, just go click. So yeah. So yeah, no, you know, nice that you got everyone one and thank you, I have been using mine, but yeah, it was just, it was a lot. It was a lot, it's fine.

• 27:52Speaker 00

  It's time for questions from the public.

• 27:56Speaker 00

  Public. As always, if you'd like to get in touch, it's [email protected] to send a long form email or if you like to stretch them vocal cords and send us a WhatsApp message, I'm just stretching this out.

• 28:08Speaker 01

  Sounds like local radio.

• 28:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, well, it's because while I'm picking my phone up to get the number, I have to sort of make a really long thing. Anyway, if you want to send a voice note, it's zero seven eight seven four four zero six six five zero. Keep them coming, I absolutely love them, thank you. What have you got here?

• 28:23Speaker 01

  I've got a voice note.

• 28:24Speaker 00

  On, on the subject of?

• 28:25Speaker 01

  I don't know.

• 28:26Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 28:26Speaker 01

  I don't listen to them.

• 28:27Speaker 00

  Because it might be for the new section.

• 28:29Speaker 01

  Oh, I've got other ones, but this isn't for the new section.

• 28:31Speaker 00

  Right, because when, before we do the new section, I told you I would have some new names to workshop for it and I do have some new names to workshop for the section.

• 28:39Speaker 01

  Oh my god. Okay, just give us one second.

• 28:43Speaker 00

  What's the matter?

• 28:44Speaker 01

  I'm just, I feel like up a height. I'm like pissed off and I don't want to be.

• 28:52Speaker 01

  I just need like a minute.

• 28:55Speaker 01

  Just let's have a minute. And you as well, you've pissed us off as well. So I'm just having a minute. Guys, just give some.

• 29:03Speaker 00

  Should we just have a minute of silence?

• 29:04Speaker 01

  Should we just have a minute?

• 29:06Speaker 00

  What are you pissed off about?

• 29:08Speaker 01

  Just you, you?

• 29:11Speaker 01

  And me mum?

• 29:14Speaker 00

  I shouldn't have pulled out the big guns, I should have just tucked it on the chin, I'm really sorry. I should have just tucked it on the chin.

• 29:20Speaker 00

  You messy little cunt.

• 29:33Speaker 00

  I just love the audacity of sitting here with your tan on and your jarmas, claiming I'm the messy one. It's fucking wild. It's psychotic.

• 29:42Speaker 01

  No, but you're, you're, I empty the dishwasher and that and you're a bit anal about stuff like that, but you never carry the washing upstairs. You're not fixing that spindle. You don't, you don't plump the cushions.

• 29:53Speaker 00

  Yes, I'm very much stuff you can see.

• 29:56Speaker 01

  No, you just, you never wipe the bench. Tell her that. You never, there's constantly crumbs whenever you've cooked on that bench.

• 30:05Speaker 00

  Alright man.

• 30:05Speaker 01

  I'm so upset about this.

• 30:07Speaker 00

  It's come back, it's come back.

• 30:08Speaker 01

  Right, okay. No, because I was having a minute. I'm gonna have to have one more minute.

• 30:11Speaker 00

  Right, one more minute. Do you want us to turn the recording and everything off?

• 30:13Speaker 01

  No, no, it's fine.

• 30:14Speaker 00

  No, just chill.

• 30:15Speaker 01

  Just fast forward.

• 30:21Speaker 01

  Right, okay.

• 30:22Speaker 00

  Right, ready?

• 30:22Speaker 01

  Here we go.

• 30:28Speaker 01

  You better be nice to me on this holiday.

• 30:30Speaker 00

  I'll be lovely, yeah, I promise.

• 30:31Speaker 01

  I will literally fart in it.

• 30:34Speaker 01

  Hi, Chris and Rosa. So I'm just listening to your episode, where you're talking about Agadu. And I just wanted to let you know that Agadu still lives over here in South Yorkshire. It is played at children's parties, discos. It was also played every week when my children used to go to dance class. They used to use it as a warm-up, I think. Now, the only problem is, my children and their stubborn little shits are adamant that the words for the song are, "I've got two, two, two, two apples and a tree. I've got two..."

• 31:16Speaker 00

  No fucking way, that's horrible!

• 31:19Speaker 01

  "...apples and coffee."

• 31:21Speaker 01

  And they won't listen. Every time I tell them that's not the words, they won't listen. And then it ends up getting stuck in my head and the way that they sing it. So then I end up being weirder, singing "I've got two" instead of "Agadu."

• 31:36Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 31:37Speaker 01

  And that's, that's just how it is.

• 31:39Speaker 00

  That's so annoying. That is so fucking annoying.

• 31:44Speaker 01

  The word "Agadu" is a nonsense word and a nonsense refrain from the song's catchy chorus, "Agadu, doo, doo, push pineapple, shake the tree." It does not have a literal translation in English.

• 31:54Speaker 00

  There we go.

• 31:54Speaker 01

  So that's annoying. Oh god. Oh no.

• 31:57Speaker 00

  What?

• 31:59Speaker 01

  1984.

• 32:02Speaker 00

  Good grief.

• 32:02Speaker 01

  I actually thought it was all in that.

• 32:03Speaker 00

  Good grief.

• 32:04Speaker 01

  That's irritating. The kids are twat, aren't they?

• 32:07Speaker 00

  That's so annoying.

• 32:08Speaker 01

  You know how our kids would do that and be like, "No, that's what it is."

• 32:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, they're the words. Yeah. Awful. "I've got two." Oh, and they have to sing it. Ick. Pair of them. Ick.

• 32:17Speaker 01

  "I've got two, two, two. I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts. There they are standing in a row. Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head." I think he was talking about tits.

• 32:34Speaker 00

  Yeah?

• 32:34Speaker 01

  I think. I don't know. Couldn't tell you, but she will. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Please keep me anonymous. Longtime listener, first time emailer. A lot of first time emailers, actually.

• 32:44Speaker 00

  Thank you. Coming out of woodwork.

• 32:47Speaker 01

  Thank you so much. Having listened to your new section, blonde party.

• 32:50Speaker 00

  Oh, no, no.

• 32:51Speaker 01

  Oh, then, sorry.

• 32:52Speaker 00

  So, pause this. I've got all of the names for the new section.

• 32:55Speaker 01

  Come on, right. We'll have to pick one because, okay, we're getting sent loads of really good ones. I won't over-saturate the podcast with them. Because, you know.

• 33:05Speaker 00

  They are fun though, right.

• 33:06Speaker 01

  But I'm really enjoying them, are you?

• 33:08Speaker 00

  I just love, again, I love the concept that someone has said something in passing. I've said it to Carl for years. I've said, because we, obviously we've done this for ages. I say like, if these people had any idea that a thing they randomly said in passing that they thought nothing of, has become literally part of our fucking culture as a, as a, as a friendship group. It's amazing. Okay.

• 33:32Speaker 00

  Laughs from the past.

• 33:34Speaker 01

  Love it, okay. We're gonna do better.

• 33:36Speaker 00

  Slogan from the olden days.

• 33:39Speaker 01

  No.

• 33:39Speaker 00

  Okay. Remember, remember, this is in like, this is like, um, Califorx. Remember, remember, remember, remember what that person said in September, or whatever month it was.

• 33:51Speaker 01

  It's too long. It's the same as what it was. The first one.

• 33:54Speaker 00

  Catchphrases from the past days.

• 33:56Speaker 01

  I like that one.

• 33:57Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 33:59Speaker 01

  Nice, okay. Catchphrases from the past days. That's cute.

• 34:03Speaker 00

  What I've done here with this one, and this is what I was laughing at before we started recording, you said, "What are you laughing at?" And I said, "I can't tell you." I've, I've just done this one as an acronym, so it's just the letters of the words, but I haven't written down what the words are, so I don't actually know what. It just says, "Wapst, wapst twist", but I don't know what the, I don't know what the words are that I've said.

• 34:24Speaker 01

  No. What are you talking about?

• 34:25Speaker 00

  Wapst twist. So it's like, words other people said.

• 34:29Speaker 01

  Wapst, no.

• 34:30Speaker 00

  Oh, words other people said that we still say today. Wapst twist.

• 34:35Speaker 01

  Hated. What was the one before?

• 34:36Speaker 00

  Don't, two seconds. Random words from passing years. Okay. Ages ago, someone said this and I've been saying it ever since.

• 34:48Speaker 01

  That's it.

• 34:49Speaker 00

  There's a couple more. This one.

• 34:54Speaker 01

  Ages ago, someone said something and I've been saying it. That's me favourite.

• 34:59Speaker 00

  Well, no, I've now got a more succinct version of the one I've just said. It's two words shorter, so it might be better. Someone said this once and I've said it ever since.

• 35:07Speaker 01

  No, ages ago.

• 35:08Speaker 00

  Really? Or I've got sost, sostoas?

• 35:12Speaker 01

  Not acronyms. Stop with the acronyms. Do not work on a, on a speaking thing.

• 35:19Speaker 00

  Okay, so ages ago, someone said this and I've been saying it ever since. Right, okay, so the section is called.

• 35:24Speaker 01

  In a Yorkshire accent.

• 35:26Speaker 00

  Ages ago.

• 35:27Speaker 01

  Ages ago. Someone said this and I've been saying it ever since.

• 35:29Speaker 00

  That's a Hull one. That's a Hull accent. Yeah.

• 35:32Speaker 01

  Oh. Ages ago.

• 35:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:34Speaker 01

  Someone said this thing and I've been saying it ever since.

• 35:36Speaker 00

  There we go.

• 35:37Speaker 01

  Put a beat to it.

• 35:38Speaker 00

  Maybe get Lucy Beaumont to record the voice note, yeah.

• 35:41Speaker 01

  Can you put a beat to it?

• 35:43Speaker 00

  No. Next question.

• 35:46Speaker 01

  He's a, he's a fucking cunt. You're a cunt.

• 35:50Speaker 00

  I would never say the C-word on this podcast.

• 35:52Speaker 01

  Take that out. I don't want the C-word.

• 35:53Speaker 00

  I said it earlier on. Right.

• 35:55Speaker 01

  Listen. So, this is for the new segment. Ages ago, someone said something and I've been saying it since.

• 36:01Speaker 00

  Something like that. We've already forgotten it, yeah.

• 36:06Speaker 01

  I shared this story with a colleague of mine. We were close and it makes me cringe to this day.

• 36:11Speaker 00

  Right.

• 36:11Speaker 01

  When I was in my late teens, maybe 18, 19, is that, that is late teens, I guess, but you're pretty, you're an adult, aren't you?

• 36:18Speaker 00

  But it's late. It's definitely late.

• 36:20Speaker 01

  Do you call yourself a late teen at night? How old are you? 19, I'm a late teen. No, you're not. Late teen is like 15, 16, not 19. You're a fully fledged grown-up. Getting grippy, you're an adult. You're a late teen.

• 36:34Speaker 00

  Because 18, being an adult, I would say 16, 17 is late teens. And then I would say 18, you're an adult.

• 36:40Speaker 01

  "In my late teens, 29." No. 19. I mean, probably is because you're still teen, but I just think, you're not a late teen.

• 36:49Speaker 00

  I know what you mean. I know what you mean. Yeah, I would, yeah.

• 36:52Speaker 01

  The frontal lobe isn't probably developed.

• 36:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, 19. On paper, it's late teens, but I know what you mean. If you were like, if you're 19 going around calling yourself a teenager, I'd be like, "Oh, I'm a..."

• 37:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You can vote. Like, no, shut up. Right. I was working at a pub and I had a fling with one of the landlord's friends who was about 15 years my senior. Also a late teen.

• 37:16Speaker 00

  A late, late teen.

• 37:17Speaker 01

  Late, late teen.

• 37:27Speaker 01

  We met up a couple of times and on one of the dates, I went to his for Netflix and Chill before Netflix existed.

• 37:35Speaker 00

  I see, he's only 35, this fella. 34. She's late teen, she's 18, 19, and he's 15 years her senior. He's 33, 34.

• 37:43Speaker 01

  No, he's not a late teen then. Fully fledged man.

• 37:46Speaker 00

  No, that's late, late, late teen. That's how it works.

• 37:48Speaker 01

  So she's 38 now for context, by the way. Well, one thing led to another and we ended up getting down to business. It was all going.

• 37:56Speaker 00

  Just tax returns and just.

• 37:59Speaker 01

  Just landlord shit.

• 38:00Speaker 00

  Just flashing out a new idea they had for a, yeah, for a coffee shop.

• 38:04Speaker 01

  Business.

• 38:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:05Speaker 01

  I think they're talking about sex.

• 38:06Speaker 00

  No, there can't be.

• 38:07Speaker 01

  Yeah. It was all going, it was all going well and I thought, older really is better. That's a good compliment. Until he turned to me halfway through and said, "Oh, you're a wet one, aren't you?"

• 38:19Speaker 00

  Oh, for fuck's sake.

• 38:24Speaker 00

  That's so, that's so upsetting.

• 38:27Speaker 01

  Ugh, you're a wet one, aren't you?

• 38:30Speaker 00

  Do you know what I'm gonna do from now on as well? Whenever I see a pigeon gutted in the rain, I'm gonna say that. I'm not opening the window, go, "Oh, you're a wet one."

• 38:39Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 38:40Speaker 00

  That is so upsetting.

• 38:42Speaker 01

  It must have been good, though, if she is wet. It says, "I've never dried up so quickly in my life." Needless to say, I never saw him again. But this is so, now, whenever me and my colleague, now friend, talk about anything juicy slash gossip or a little saucy, she turns to me and says, "Oh, she was a wet one, isn't she?" And he died.

• 39:03Speaker 00

  He'll never know.

• 39:04Speaker 01

  No, he'll never know. That's gross, isn't it? "Oh, you're a wet one, aren't you?" No. Stop, stop. She was a millennial. We don't like that kind of stuff.

• 39:18Speaker 00

  Again, dare I say it? I'm not gonna workshop what he could have said instead, but dare I say it? If he just phrased it just slightly different?

• 39:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:27Speaker 00

  So it doesn't sound like...

• 39:29Speaker 01

  Probably could have been a lot sexier, you know?

• 39:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. "You're a wet one, aren't you?" "No, no, no, no, no."

• 39:35Speaker 01

  How old is he? Thirty-four?

• 39:38Speaker 00

  Unk vibes, unk vibes.

• 39:39Speaker 01

  I don't know. Gross.

• 39:44Speaker 04

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• 40:14Speaker 01

  Hi, Rosie and Crisp, please keep me anonymous.

• 40:16Speaker 00

  Hi.

• 40:17Speaker 01

  It's another one for the new section.

• 40:20Speaker 00

  Get it.

• 40:20Speaker 01

  In 2003, my now husband and I bought our first home in Northumberland.

• 40:25Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 40:26Speaker 01

  Very nice, very nice. We were in our early twenties. The house was at the end of a terrace of houses and the only access was at the opposite end of the terrace, down some steps. And you had to walk in front of everyone else's houses.

• 40:40Speaker 00

  Go again?

• 40:41Speaker 01

  The end of a terrace.

• 40:42Speaker 00

  Right.

• 40:43Speaker 01

  The only access was at the opposite end of the terrace, down some steps, and you had to walk in front.

• 40:48Speaker 00

  I understand, yes.

• 40:49Speaker 01

  I've seen these before.

• 40:50Speaker 00

  I've seen these, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 40:52Speaker 01

  So you can't, like, you can't just go off the street. You have to kind of like go down and along.

• 40:56Speaker 00

  Right.

• 40:56Speaker 01

  In front of everyone else's houses. Yeah.

• 40:59Speaker 00

  Delivery men love it.

• 41:02Speaker 01

  We hadn't long since moved in when our neighbour, a single woman, very quietly spoken and probably mid-forties, knocked on our door. She invited us for supper one evening, so being new to the area and wanting to feel part of the community, we agreed a date.

• 41:15Speaker 00

  Such a Northumberland invite, come round for supper.

• 41:17Speaker 01

  Come round for supper. Who's there? Other than, other than our ten and five-year-old, who's eating supper?

• 41:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 41:24Speaker 01

  What is supper?

• 41:25Speaker 00

  I mean, what supper is when me and you just sit and eat.

• 41:28Speaker 01

  Be healthy at five o'clock.

• 41:29Speaker 00

  So, yeah, supper is exactly what happens when me and you go, "Let's have salmon and veg at six." And then by eight o'clock, we're fucking...

• 41:35Speaker 01

  You're on the cheese toasties.

• 41:36Speaker 00

  I'm on the cheese toasties, you're on your fourth bowl of popcorn.

• 41:41Speaker 00

  Oh, that was fucking pointless.

• 41:43Speaker 01

  Utterly, utterly pointless.

• 41:45Speaker 00

  We'd be better off waiting and getting a takeaway at nine o'clock.

• 41:47Speaker 01

  I know. But then, but you're told, eat earlier so your stomach can digest. I'm like, I'm clamming by nine o'clock.

• 41:53Speaker 00

  Exactly, waking up from bed screaming.

• 41:55Speaker 01

  Anyway.

• 41:56Speaker 00

  Oh, with the...

• 41:57Speaker 01

  Supper.

• 41:57Speaker 00

  Sopping. Do we, do you sup?

• 41:59Speaker 01

  Do you sup, sup? The evening came when we were due to go round. We bought the obligatory bottle of wine to take with us. We walked out of our front door, stepped over onto her path and knocked on the door. The evening was never going to be natural and started off well.

• 42:14Speaker 00

  What?

• 42:15Speaker 01

  Hang on, the evening was never going to be natural, but started off well with the woman asking the usual questions, where we grew up, what we did as jobs, et cetera. But things got stranger as the night progressed. We shared, sorry. She shared that she had worked as a nanny in London, but had moved to Northumberland after she had lost her job under uncomfortable circumstances. We didn't ask what they were. She told us tea would be fish pie, but she pronounced it fish poi.

• 42:47Speaker 01

  She then disappeared into the kitchen and started making it from scratch.

• 42:52Speaker 00

  Oh, fuck off.

• 42:53Speaker 01

  From scratch. I wouldn't say either of us were huge fish eaters, but we decided not to say anything out of politeness. My husband and I were sat in her living room, able to chat with each other, but feeling more and more uncomfortable about the situation. After three hours...

• 43:08Speaker 00

  Go and piss off.

• 43:09Speaker 01

  We were pushing ten o'clock, hunger had long since passed. Tea was served. She kept asking us questions about the fish poi. Do we like fish poi? Had we had fish poi before?

• 43:22Speaker 00

  Poi! Poi, poi, poi, Delilah.

• 43:27Speaker 01

  It was her signature dish when she was the nanny, apparently.

• 43:29Speaker 00

  Do you mean dwish?

• 43:30Speaker 01

  Dwish. It got to 11pm and both my husband and I were at the point where we had established this lady was pleasant but strange, time to leave. We started making excuses. We stood up to go and walked towards the front door, which was in the kitchen. She blocked the route before starting to look in her pockets of the apron and on the kitchen surfaces before declaring she had lost the key to the door.

• 43:49Speaker 00

  Go and fuck off.

• 43:51Speaker 01

  We suggested going out the back, not an easy exit over a stone wall, but we just wanted to get out.

• 43:57Speaker 00

  This is a hostage situation.

• 43:58Speaker 01

  She told us the door to the back doesn't open. Maybe we should stay over and in the morning she will find the keys.

• 44:04Speaker 00

  No, look for them now, all of you look for them.

• 44:08Speaker 01

  My husband and I exchanged glances before both announcing we would help her find the key. After what felt like an hour and with no luck finding it, we were about to give up hope when she shouldn't, when she suddenly takes her apron off and outfalls the king.

• 44:19Speaker 00

  Oh, my God.

• 44:20Speaker 01

  My husband died for it.

• 44:23Speaker 01

  Picked it up and walked briskly to the kitchen, grabbing my hand and unlocking the door. We shouted goodbye and thanked her for the fish poi.

• 44:30Speaker 00

  Goodbye.

• 44:30Speaker 01

  Goodbye, making sure we pronounced it exactly the same way as she did.

• 44:36Speaker 01

  We lived next door to her for five years.

• 44:38Speaker 00

  Oh, God.

• 44:38Speaker 01

  And the incidents became stranger and stranger. We never went back for dinner again, but whenever we get invited anyway, we will always say, "Do you think there'll be fish poi?" Even our children now, eighteen and twenty, say the same when any reference to choosing a meal or going round to someone's house. We're with the woman who serves fish poi.

• 44:56Speaker 00

  That's so ridic, wow, what a bizarre story.

• 44:59Speaker 01

  Isn't it?

• 44:59Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 45:00Speaker 01

  Do you like fish poi?

• 45:01Speaker 00

  Poi? Again, again, this is, see, you slagged me off, but you know I would go, "Do you mean pie? Why are you saying poi?"

• 45:09Speaker 01

  I know you would.

• 45:10Speaker 00

  I'd say, "Why are you saying poi? What the fuck, what is it?" So, I go, "Sorry, can we fundamentally, can we, like, get to the bottom of this? Is it a fish pie or is it something different to a fish pie called a fish poi? Or are you saying poi instead of pie? That would be my question."

• 45:29Speaker 01

  I think she's just trying to be posh.

• 45:31Speaker 00

  Right, well, I'd go, "Yeah, but I would have to say, is this a fish pie or is a fish poi something different?"

• 45:39Speaker 01

  No, I think it's just...

• 45:40Speaker 00

  I know.

• 45:41Speaker 01

  She just says poi.

• 45:42Speaker 00

  Yes, but I would have to ask it.

• 45:43Speaker 01

  It's like the Queen, "I'm oof, oof."

• 45:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm oof, yeah.

• 45:46Speaker 01

  I'm oof.

• 45:47Speaker 00

  I know what you mean, yeah.

• 45:51Speaker 01

  Hi, Crisp and Rosie, I have a traumatic experience example of being betrayed by technology.

• 45:56Speaker 00

  Oh, God.

• 45:57Speaker 01

  Every year I go on holiday with my family. It's only weekend, but it's all the family, grandma, aunties, cousins, et cetera. We all stay at the hotel together.

• 46:03Speaker 00

  Lovely.

• 46:04Speaker 01

  One morning, me and my partner went, eh, went back to bed after breakfast. We're not morning people, in brackets. My dad sent us a message asking where we were. I responded, well, I thought I responded, "We're just having a nap." My phone autocorrected this to, "We're just having anal."

• 46:22Speaker 01

  Horrific. What made it worse is that my dad was with my grandma and aunties. So when we woke from our nap and came down, my grandpa then went to us, "We've heard what you've been up to." Worst day of my life.

• 46:37Speaker 00

  Oh, you're a wet one, aren't you?

• 46:38Speaker 01

  Oh, God, oh, my God.

• 46:44Speaker 01

  I don't think I would like, I don't think I would like, "You're a wet one, aren't you?"

• 46:48Speaker 00

  No.

• 46:49Speaker 01

  Especially on, like, a one-night-stand.

• 46:51Speaker 00

  No.

• 46:51Speaker 01

  I don't think I would like it.

• 46:52Speaker 00

  It's very...

• 46:53Speaker 01

  Especially because he was an older bloke, it would be like, it's just creepy.

• 46:57Speaker 00

  It gives Yoda vibes.

• 46:59Speaker 01

  What do you mean?

• 46:59Speaker 00

  Just Yoda, like...

• 47:02Speaker 00

  Wet one, aren't you really?

• 47:04Speaker 01

  No, to me, it's pervy. It's pervy.

• 47:06Speaker 00

  Well, yeah, of course, but yeah, it's.

• 47:08Speaker 01

  Rather than just saying.

• 47:09Speaker 00

  You're a feisty one, aren't you?

• 47:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's that. Yeah, it's not nice at all.

• 47:14Speaker 00

  It's awfully, awfully.

• 47:16Speaker 01

  And also, it's like, it's, it's, the way it's worded is, oh, I've slept with loads of women. And you're one of the wet ones. Like, it's just like monkey.

• 47:27Speaker 00

  That's a really good point.

• 47:28Speaker 01

  So that's where my brain goes to.

• 47:30Speaker 00

  Comparison that is in the, in the.

• 47:33Speaker 01

  You're all the same, but you're just wet there.

• 47:35Speaker 00

  Yeah. Oh, God.

• 47:36Speaker 01

  It's gross.

• 47:38Speaker 00

  It gives, it paints a really quick picture of he's going down a long line of women checking, and he's telling them each what they are, and he's getting her and going, you're a wet one, aren't you? Because these forty odd that I've just checked weren't as, yeah, it's, it's, it's horrible.

• 47:52Speaker 01

  Dry as sticks.

• 47:53Speaker 00

  It's horrible. Yeah. Everyone needs to not use phrases like that. You're a such and such, aren't you? Should be buried and dead and buried. Get rid, get rid. Especially in a sexual scenario.

• 48:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:02Speaker 00

  Get rid.

• 48:02Speaker 01

  It's awful. It's awful.

• 48:04Speaker 00

  It's like you would go to, it's like you're feeding a litter of puppies and one of them's fucking going for it. You go, oh, you're a hungry one, aren't you? It's that.

• 48:10Speaker 01

  It's the same.

• 48:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's horrible.

• 48:11Speaker 01

  It's horrible.

• 48:12Speaker 00

  It's horrible. It's horrible. I love that we've had to revisit it. We've had to digest it with a couple of extra stories. Then we've had to revisit it and really take it apart.

• 48:18Speaker 01

  It's there.

• 48:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:19Speaker 01

  I'm thinking about it.

• 48:20Speaker 00

  I wish someone could just fart on my face to delete it all. Not you.

• 48:24Speaker 01

  The offer's there.

• 48:25Speaker 00

  No, you have to be a good golfer.

• 48:26Speaker 01

  Okay. Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba. Dear Chris and Rosie, just a quick email with a nursing story that I hope you'll enjoy.

• 48:34Speaker 00

  Oh, always.

• 48:35Speaker 01

  It's not rude. It's just, it's, it's.

• 48:37Speaker 00

  Just nice to hear from that profession. Always is.

• 48:40Speaker 01

  I do need a pump, so just if you do want the face fart.

• 48:44Speaker 00

  No.

• 48:45Speaker 01

  Let me know.

• 48:46Speaker 00

  Honestly, I've had enough face farts to last a lifetime. If I go to my grave without being, my head being farted on again, I'll be very happy.

• 48:56Speaker 01

  Whilst working on a busy surgical ward, I was looking after a postie who had had his fingers bitten up. A finger bitten up by a dog when posting a letter.

• 49:05Speaker 00

  Oh, God.

• 49:07Speaker 01

  It says, thought that only happened in films or cartoons. Clearly not.

• 49:11Speaker 00

  Oh, it's gone right through me, that.

• 49:13Speaker 01

  He'd been quite sad throughout the shift as he was hoping to change careers to become a guitar teacher.

• 49:18Speaker 00

  No fucking way.

• 49:19Speaker 01

  And this would be quite difficult with two less fingers on his left hand. I'd been with him all day and had created quite the bond with him and his wife. I'd been really careful with what I said as he was quite tearful at whatever, whatever anyone said.

• 49:34Speaker 00

  Oh, this is horrible.

• 49:35Speaker 01

  His wife kept giving me looks over his shoulder and rolling her eyes whilst giving him hugs.

• 49:41Speaker 00

  You're all a bunch of dicks. You're all a bunch of dicks.

• 49:44Speaker 01

  As I was leaving my shift, I popped in to say goodbye. I wished them well and said all the best for his future in guitar. Unfortunately, what I said next haunts me even to this day and gave me several sleepless nights afterwards.

• 49:56Speaker 00

  Oh, God, no.

• 49:57Speaker 01

  I turned to him and said.

• 49:59Speaker 00

  Hold on, hold on, hold on.

• 50:03Speaker 01

  Don't, don't guess, because you always guess it right.

• 50:05Speaker 00

  Okay, okay.

• 50:06Speaker 01

  You're gonna ruin the story.

• 50:07Speaker 00

  I'm just thinking something along the lines of keep your chin up, but not that, but come on then. Right.

• 50:11Speaker 01

  Um, stayed with that for ages. I turned to him and said, hope the operation goes well tomorrow and fingers crossed for the future.

• 50:23Speaker 00

  Oh, no. Oh, God, I feel sick. Oh, God.

• 50:29Speaker 00

  Oh, I've got secondhand embarrassment. Oh, no.

• 50:31Speaker 01

  He looked me dead in the eye as I had to collect my jaw from the floor and he burst into tears.

• 50:37Speaker 00

  No.

• 50:38Speaker 01

  His wife luckily found it hilarious and laughed uncontrollably. Jesus. I, however, was mortified. I'm sure you both have things you've said that have stayed with you for years.

• 50:47Speaker 00

  I've gone all cold. I've gone all cold. Stuff like that. Yeah.

• 50:51Speaker 01

  Oh, this'll cheer you up. Bonus. Dot, dot, dot. During COVID, we had an increase in people shoving things up their arse and getting stuck. Here's a few of our favourites. This'll cheer you up. This is stuff that's been stuck up people's arse during the global pandemic.

• 51:04Speaker 00

  Well, yeah, well, yeah, but.

• 51:06Speaker 01

  Come on.

• 51:06Speaker 00

  But I thought, for a second.

• 51:08Speaker 01

  Let him shade. Let him shade.

• 51:10Speaker 00

  For a second there, and I'm not a medical man, for a second there, I thought you were gonna say, if this cheers you up during COVID, we had an influx of people losing their ends of their fingers and we sent them some fingers and it was okay and you got some new fingers. That's what I thought was gonna happen there.

• 51:23Speaker 01

  He probably won't ever teach guitar, but although he might, no.

• 51:26Speaker 00

  You can change it. Just change it away. Use that, that hand. Oh, I don't know. Bless his heart. That's really sad. That's made me upset. Come on, cheer.

• 51:32Speaker 01

  Fucking.

• 51:32Speaker 00

  Right. Cheer. There's only one thing that can cheer up me up, and that is a list of things stuck up people's arse during COVID when they were in the house ball.

• 51:38Speaker 01

  That's my boy.

• 51:39Speaker 00

  Come on.

• 51:39Speaker 01

  That's my boy. Ready?

• 51:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:41Speaker 01

  Onion.

• 51:42Speaker 00

  Awful. What are you doing? Stop it. You can't, there's no purchase to get that back out once it's past the, the, the point of no return.

• 51:50Speaker 01

  An onion.

• 51:51Speaker 00

  Maniac. Maybe, maybe put it in a condom and keep hold of the other end of the condom, tie some kind of string around it.

• 51:57Speaker 01

  The stingiest of the vegetables.

• 51:59Speaker 00

  Awful. Just awful. What? So is it with the, I've had, right, anyone out there, when you're peeling an onion, sometimes the little bit of the little skin can go under your fingernail. Little bit sharp. And it's got that fucking little tuft of hair on it as well. Tuft of straw.

• 52:13Speaker 01

  Horrible.

• 52:13Speaker 00

  Awful.

• 52:14Speaker 01

  Just the worst.

• 52:14Speaker 00

  Prison. Prison.

• 52:15Speaker 01

  Full fa, full can of Fosters.

• 52:20Speaker 00

  I mean, I'm, I'm, I'm impressed.

• 52:22Speaker 01

  A soft play ball.

• 52:24Speaker 00

  Awful.

• 52:25Speaker 01

  Oh, like the little soft play balls.

• 52:26Speaker 00

  Awful. Not that little, not that little size of a fist.

• 52:29Speaker 01

  A Barbie.

• 52:30Speaker 00

  Terrible.

• 52:31Speaker 01

  Got stuck as the arms contracted like Jesus on removal.

• 52:36Speaker 00

  Like a fucking bottle opener.

• 52:37Speaker 01

  Well, they must have been down like that and then she's come out and.

• 52:40Speaker 00

  She's put her arms, arms in the air, she just doesn't care.

• 52:42Speaker 01

  Yeah. She's Barbie, she can do what she wants.

• 52:45Speaker 00

  That's how the design, like, that's how the design, the, the, the, um, roll plugs, like, go in plasterboard.

• 52:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:52Speaker 00

  Genius.

• 52:53Speaker 01

  Yeah. God, why are you sticking a Barbie to your arse? I find that really.

• 52:56Speaker 00

  I didn't. Why?

• 52:57Speaker 01

  Not you.

• 52:58Speaker 00

  Oh, sorry. Did I, did I, did I protest that too much?

• 53:00Speaker 01

  Several vibrators some, some stuck on vibrate.

• 53:04Speaker 00

  Um, again, no judgment on the vibrators, weirdly. If you stick, it's what it's for. It's what it's for. Get it up there.

• 53:10Speaker 01

  Stick them up your arse as much as you want.

• 53:12Speaker 00

  Plenty lube and make sure you can get it back out. Don't stick it too far. Um, I can't imagine having to go in with it still on vibrate. You must be a right state.

• 53:22Speaker 01

  TV remotes, et cetera. What's et cetera about that?

• 53:26Speaker 00

  Um, I imagine, like, remotes of all kinds.

• 53:29Speaker 01

  Remotes.

• 53:30Speaker 00

  Remotes.

• 53:31Speaker 01

  And it says here, a little tip.

• 53:33Speaker 00

  Sorry, can I just say?

• 53:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:35Speaker 00

  Whenever I'm in a hotel and I use the TV remote, I wash my hands afterwards.

• 53:38Speaker 01

  So do I.

• 53:39Speaker 00

  I wash my hands afterwards.

• 53:40Speaker 01

  I use it like this.

• 53:41Speaker 00

  Sometimes, some hotels, if you're in a posh hotel, they'll put it in a box. There's a little box that keeps it in, and that box means we've cleaned this before, we've put it back in.

• 53:48Speaker 01

  Does it though?

• 53:49Speaker 00

  Yeah. Well, they reckon it does. But yeah.

• 53:52Speaker 01

  Um, surgeon's favourite line that he must say to people, or she, sorry, how dare I? Um, I don't mind what you put up there, just tie a string to it so you don't waste my time.

• 54:08Speaker 01

  That's the thing. It's your body. How you, what you want up there. Just make sure you can get it back out.

• 54:13Speaker 00

  And then, you know, best way to do it, uh, much like, um, when they remove a tooth in a cartoon, string to it, tie the string around a door handle. Go and squat, bend over and let someone slam the door and they'll yank it straight back out.

• 54:24Speaker 01

  Not wasting people's time.

• 54:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 54:26Speaker 00

  Don't, sorry, don't tie it to a door and slam the door. It was a joke. Don't do that. Don't do that. You've got, you've got to let, make, people will do anything these days. Do not do that. Don't put a door handle up your bum either. I just thought about that.

• 54:38Speaker 01

  I bet that's been one.

• 54:39Speaker 00

  Doorknob. Imagine a doorknob being, yeah, plenty of times.

• 54:42Speaker 01

  Good to hold on to, though. That's probably a safe, a safe one.

• 54:45Speaker 00

  Uh, again, we do not, we do not undo anything of any shape going up the bum. Not even vibrators. Listen.

• 54:53Speaker 00

  Just be careful out there, guys.

• 54:56Speaker 01

  Just be careful. For God's sake.

• 55:00Speaker 01

  Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba.

• 55:04Speaker 01

  Thank you so much for listening, guys. I'm sorry if I've been a bit miserable. I'm due on and, um.

• 55:09Speaker 00

  You haven't been miserable. You've been lovely. No, you have. You've been absolutely lovely. You've been messy, very untidy, but we'll let you off with it.

• 55:15Speaker 01

  Don't, this is really hard. It's really hard to do it when you're feeling in a certain way.

• 55:19Speaker 00

  I know.

• 55:19Speaker 01

  And we haven't got time to do it later on, so I'm sorry. I feel like today it is just what it is.

• 55:24Speaker 00

  Listen, I think we've had a lovely time. I've had a good laugh. You've had a good laugh. We've learnt, we've learnt some stuff.

• 55:29Speaker 01

  I know. I just feel like people sometimes might listen and go, she's such a bitch.

• 55:32Speaker 00

  Uh, I think most of them know you by now, and I think it's all right. And also, we're going to Lake Garrett tomorrow for a couple of nights.

• 55:39Speaker 01

  I know.

• 55:39Speaker 00

  That'll be lovely. We'll have a lovely time. There we go. Thank you. I love you too. And I love everyone who listens. Thank you so, so much for listening and watching if you did. Subscribe on YouTube and chrisfancycomedy.com for the tickets, remaining tickets for some of the shows that I've got left. And we'll be back in your ears, all refreshed and happy, no period, being away next week.

• 55:57Speaker 01

  Yeah. I mean, it depends because sometimes my periods can last a lot longer than what I used to.

• 56:02Speaker 00

  Well, hey.

• 56:02Speaker 01

  I'm just, at the minute, it's just a brown sort of.

• 56:05Speaker 00

  Oh, good.

• 56:06Speaker 01

  Ruining, the Nicki Ruminin part of the period.

• 56:09Speaker 00

  Wonderful. Most people turn off by now, but I love you. If you haven't, that's, that's just for you. Well done. Bye.

• 56:14Speaker 01

  Love you, bye.