Please Keep Me Anonymous with Isy Suttie

On this week’s Shagged Married Annoyed Chris and Rosie are joined by the brilliant comedian, actor, and Taskmaster star, Isy Suttie. As well as lots of Taskmaster chat, they discuss Ellis James’ pants, a hotel injury, the Millennium Dome and they ponder over whether Madonna is a Shagged Married Annoyed fan. All this AND have the trio invented a new podcast? You can catch Isy on the final of Taskmaster at 9pm on Channel 4 on November 5th or you can catch up at channel4.com If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch! 📧: [email protected] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Hey Spotify listeners, when you travel with American Airlines, you'll enjoy comfort and convenience at every altitude. Before takeoff, unwind in the Admirals Club Lounge with curated self-serve offerings of hearty bites and refreshments. In-flight, stay connected with high-speed Wi-Fi, sponsored by AT&T. Your journey is designed to feel easy from the moment you check in to the moment you arrive. No matter where you're going, American gets you there. Book now at aa.com.

• 0:26Speaker 01

  So good, so good, so good. Cashmere outerwear and boots are up to 60% off at Nordstrom Rack. Save on brands like Ugg, Vince and Kohan. Join the naughty club for free to unlock exclusive discounts. Great brands, great prices. That's why you rack.

• 0:45Speaker 02

  Hello, you are listening to Shag Marionoid. Please keep me anonymous.

• 0:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, this week we are joined by the hilariously funny Izzy Sutty. She is currently on this year's series of Taskmaster, a series 22, and the final is tomorrow night at 9pm on Channel 4, so make sure you watch it.

• 1:01Speaker 02

  There you go, yeah. Very funny chat. Lovely to see her again.

• 1:04Speaker 03

  So funny. I've never met her before. You knew her from back in the day.

• 1:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, and it's one of the things where you see someone from earlier on. She came into the wrong building. She went into the wrong building before getting here and it's sort of, I was like, she's never changed. She's brilliant, she's hilarious, she's fantastic.

• 1:17Speaker 03

  Lush little chat that was.

• 1:18Speaker 02

  You're gonna love it, guys.

• 1:39Speaker 02

  I think I'm okay now.

• 1:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, I think you were a little bit kind of eager when you started all of this comedy world.

• 1:44Speaker 02

  Puppy. I think I was like a little puppy.

• 1:45Speaker 04

  When did we first meet? You weren't, you weren't a puppy then, were you? Were you like, um, what's between a puppy and a dog?

• 1:53Speaker 03

  Teen, dog teenager? I don't know. Dog nature?

• 1:58Speaker 04

  Yeah. A dog nature?

• 2:01Speaker 03

  What do you call them?

• 2:02Speaker 02

  Dog, right. Dog nature, children's book title. Copyright Chris Ramsey 2026.

• 2:07Speaker 04

  Hang on, we just, Rosie just said dog nature.

• 2:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, yeah.

• 2:11Speaker 03

  Oh, he steals everything, all of my ideas, everything. Luckily, we're living in a house together and everything is 50%.

• 2:16Speaker 04

  It's hard when Ellis and I, you know, when something funny happens and you go, well, I'm gonna have that.

• 2:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:23Speaker 04

  Oh my gosh. Once, when Betty was a baby, um, we used to get in the bath with them because they were, oh, they used to be really scared of getting in the bath. And El got in the bath with her and obviously he had no clothes on. And, um, God, I keep landing him in it, do I? I've talked about his pants on so many podcasts recently.

• 2:41Speaker 02

  He's a father, absolutely. Well, oh, sorry, just before we get that.

• 2:43Speaker 03

  We've got that here and I watched a video of it as well.

• 2:45Speaker 04

  Did you?

• 2:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:46Speaker 03

  What the fuck? What's going on there?

• 2:47Speaker 02

  We've got, you are the only one. We get fun facts at the end of, at the end of our notes for any guest, and even though I know you and I've known you for years, I want to go through every single one of these with you. Because these are the best fun facts we've ever had for anyone. So we've got that coming up.

• 2:58Speaker 03

  Tell us about Ellis in the bath though.

• 2:59Speaker 04

  In the bath. So he, she was like calm once one of us was in there with her and that was like great. And then, I think what happened is she did a poo in the bath and she got really scared of the poo, even though she'd done it. And she started crying and she grabbed Ellis's pubes and just pulled, but she was screaming and locked. You know when like someone, can you imagine it? Like a weightlifter's like, won't let go and even if you tried to wrench the thing out of the hand, and she was like, ah! Just hold, and he, and he was like, ah! He couldn't, he was trying to peel her fingers off and they were...

• 3:37Speaker 02

  Oh, you can't. You can't with little kids, you can't.

• 3:39Speaker 04

  No.

• 3:40Speaker 03

  That is one of the worst stories.

• 3:41Speaker 02

  How afraid now?

• 3:42Speaker 04

  And he was sitting in the bath with her poo as well.

• 3:45Speaker 03

  Oh God.

• 3:46Speaker 04

  So he was sitting in a bath full of poo with like, and then obviously I said then, you can have that.

• 3:51Speaker 02

  You can have that, sorry.

• 3:52Speaker 03

  Oh, do you get that? Okay.

• 3:53Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 3:54Speaker 03

  You stopped going in the bath with the kids because I remember, because men, do you know what's disgusting? If you don't have bubble bath in, their penises just float, don't they? It's like gross.

• 4:03Speaker 04

  It should be used to, to sort of tell women the real, and men, and anyone, the real facts about men's willies.

• 4:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, they're like as fuck.

• 4:13Speaker 04

  Yeah, you know, yeah.

• 4:14Speaker 03

  They're just sort of, there's nothing in them, so it just float. But I remember, I think it was Robin who kind of like punted.

• 4:20Speaker 02

  And I was like, we're done.

• 4:20Speaker 03

  And Chris was like, I'm done, I can't, I don't want to do this anymore. And then that was the last bath.

• 4:24Speaker 04

  What, so just pointed, it, it looks sometimes like a kind of sea, like a sea creature or a larva.

• 4:31Speaker 03

  Yes, like a mollusk.

• 4:32Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 4:32Speaker 03

  Yes. No, they're honestly, it's hot.

• 4:36Speaker 02

  So offensive.

• 4:37Speaker 03

  When they float.

• 4:38Speaker 02

  Mollusk, larva. Like larva, guys, obviously larva not as in like larva out of the volcano, larva as in, um, fly eggs. This is so fucking offensive and sad.

• 4:49Speaker 03

  It's when you have, no, when you have a sad bath without any bubble bath, when you do, when you've run out or whatever and it's just hot water and you can see all of the dead skin from there.

• 4:57Speaker 02

  Well, I would sometimes go, well, I would, to save water, I would go in after the kids. The kids would have the bubble bath and I would jump in the bath after, and then I just started thinking, they're fucking detritus in here. There's bits of snot, there's bits of shit, and now they've pissed in it. I'm, I'm not having this anymore. This is, I'm doing all right for myself. I can't be having third-hand bath water. This is horrible.

• 5:14Speaker 04

  I know. But that's what our ancestors would have done, isn't it? They would have had a bath once a week in the...

• 5:18Speaker 03

  Once a week in the tin.

• 5:19Speaker 04

  In front of the fire.

• 5:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:20Speaker 04

  Think yourself lucky. You're not, in our house, my daughter, she's got, got into bath bombs. She was 12 on Sunday.

• 5:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:26Speaker 04

  She's got all these bath bombs and last night she put a Minions bath bomb in the bath and it was like completely blue. And my son, who's seven, was like, oh, God, it was like the best thing he's ever seen. If you got in after, after, wait till your kids get into bath bombs, you'll be covered in glitter.

• 5:43Speaker 03

  Oh, they've already, it's already been, man, has it?

• 5:45Speaker 02

  The 11-year-old, the 10-year-old has, sorry, but the, the, the five-year-old's not, no, he doesn't.

• 5:49Speaker 03

  Oh no, Rafe hasn't yet.

• 5:50Speaker 02

  He's currently in a shower, he loves a shower.

• 5:52Speaker 04

  Does he?

• 5:53Speaker 02

  He loves a shower.

• 5:54Speaker 04

  That's good.

• 5:54Speaker 03

  Oh yeah, because we've, it's quite a big tree and he just slides up and down the shower.

• 6:00Speaker 02

  Like a fucking penguin.

• 6:01Speaker 04

  Doesn't even need the water on.

• 6:02Speaker 03

  No, he just, he just put it on a bit and he's just sliding up and down.

• 6:06Speaker 02

  Gets washed in an inch of water. Yeah. An inch of water, he puts bubble bath on himself and just, so he puts his hands out like that, like, so he like, if you, if you imagine it, if you're listening, he's got his feet on the wall and he's got his hands above him and he just pushes with his toes and then his fingertips hit the other side and then he pushes his fingertips and like pong, he just goes back and forwards.

• 6:22Speaker 04

  That's like a game.

• 6:23Speaker 02

  Fantastic.

• 6:23Speaker 03

  20 minutes, that's where they go.

• 6:25Speaker 02

  Absolutely fantastic, yeah.

• 6:25Speaker 03

  It is great, actually.

• 6:26Speaker 04

  It's good if you're on holiday because sometimes there's no bath. There's no, our kids don't like showers, so if we're like, if you go to Portugal or something, it's just, because it's hot, they don't sit in the bath.

• 6:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, of course.

• 6:37Speaker 04

  Do they? So then they go, oh, oh, this is shower, oh, oh. My daughter's so dramatic, she's like, huh, huh. Like if you get her to try and eat broccoli or she's like, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh. Like it, it's unbelievable. It's like, I was doing a impression of her last night, it was in the mornings, if we go, can you get your sock, uh, can you get your socks? And she's, huh, huh, huh.

• 6:59Speaker 03

  Oh, stop, really?

• 7:00Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 7:01Speaker 03

  How old is she?

• 7:02Speaker 04

  12.

• 7:03Speaker 03

  So what year, is she in year seven?

• 7:05Speaker 04

  She's just started secondary school, yeah.

• 7:06Speaker 03

  Oh, has that?

• 7:06Speaker 04

  Good.

• 7:07Speaker 03

  Good? Oh, is she enjoying it?

• 7:08Speaker 04

  Yeah. There's so like so many dramas already. How old are your kids?

• 7:12Speaker 03

  We've got...

• 7:13Speaker 02

  10 and 5.

• 7:13Speaker 03

  Well, he's gonna be 11 in a couple of weeks.

• 7:15Speaker 02

  When this goes out. Or when this goes out, he will be 11, yeah, yeah.

• 7:18Speaker 03

  I see 11.

• 7:19Speaker 02

  Oh, Rosie's been telling me I'm 40 since I was 30 fucking six, it's a nightmare.

• 7:23Speaker 04

  I do that though, I just round up.

• 7:24Speaker 03

  I, thank you.

• 7:25Speaker 04

  I'm 48, but this is bad though, because I, I'm 48 and I keep going, I'm nearly 50.

• 7:30Speaker 03

  Well, yeah, you are.

• 7:31Speaker 02

  You do not look 48 at all.

• 7:33Speaker 03

  I know, sorry Izzy, but you're...

• 7:34Speaker 04

  You are nearly 55.

• 7:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:40Speaker 02

  Rosie will just, you're playing the wrong game here. Rosie will just keep agreeing.

• 7:44Speaker 03

  You're 55, then you are 38.

• 7:46Speaker 02

  Rosie will just keep agreeing with this.

• 7:48Speaker 03

  Well, I've rounded up for years, for years I've done it, my whole life.

• 7:52Speaker 04

  Well, we would with, like, if you were giving, I'm trying to, actually, this is tied to Taskmaster, that's convenient, isn't it? I was thinking about if someone, say if someone was really finicky and they were like, I want 37 baked beans on my toast. I don't know if anyone's ever said that, but they might have done.

• 8:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 8:05Speaker 04

  You'd put 40 on.

• 8:07Speaker 03

  Of course you would.

• 8:07Speaker 04

  You wouldn't go, I've got to count exactly 37. I think it's the same with age.

• 8:11Speaker 03

  Absolutely.

• 8:12Speaker 04

  It's like, why are you...

• 8:13Speaker 03

  Well, you wouldn't put 37 pound in your petrol tank.

• 8:16Speaker 04

  No.

• 8:16Speaker 03

  You'd put 40 in or 35.

• 8:18Speaker 04

  Exactly.

• 8:19Speaker 03

  Come on.

• 8:19Speaker 04

  But did you, were you alive when? Because you're younger than me.

• 8:22Speaker 03

  We're not that much younger.

• 8:25Speaker 02

  What a fucking amazing, were you alive when?

• 8:28Speaker 04

  Were you alive when?

• 8:29Speaker 03

  Right, just talk about tin baths.

• 8:31Speaker 02

  Sorry, can I just say one more time? Were you alive when? New podcast title, copyright Chris Ramsey 2026.

• 8:37Speaker 04

  Oh my God, now you've stolen it off me.

• 8:39Speaker 02

  Were you alive when is a great one. You said it here, it belongs to me, I'm sorry.

• 8:42Speaker 03

  Okay, no, you're gonna have, Izzy's gonna have to have a cut.

• 8:45Speaker 04

  Um, I'll have a cut.

• 8:46Speaker 03

  37%.

• 8:47Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 8:49Speaker 04

  Call it thirty five.

• 8:52Speaker 03

  Right, come on then. Were you alive when you could draw a fiver out of an ATM?

• 8:57Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 8:58Speaker 03

  I don't know. I don't. I've never got a fiver.

• 9:00Speaker 02

  I may have been alive when, but we had, when we went to college, there was a thing called EMA, Education Maintenance Allowance. And if your parents earned under a certain bracket, you got, you know, there was like, I think I got fifteen pound a week. Rosie didn't get anything because her mum had a good job, mum and dad had a good job.

• 9:19Speaker 03

  No, no, they just earned like literally probably about three grand over the threshold. But we, you know, they didn't give me any money.

• 9:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, that assumes that they give you money.

• 9:30Speaker 03

  They had to pay for the house and the car and all of the other two children. So I had to go to college. All my friends were getting, all my friends just went to their lectures and got a hundred and eighty quid. I got fuck all out. I was the only one who had a job.

• 9:41Speaker 04

  The hundred and eighty came.

• 9:42Speaker 04

  We've got a new conservatory.

• 9:46Speaker 02

  You sit in that conservatory and sweat and think about how lucky you are. No, we, so at the end of each term, you'd get a hundred and eighty quid or a hundred and fifty quid as a bonus, which was amazing.

• 9:56Speaker 03

  How did you get that?

• 9:57Speaker 02

  Well, I don't know, but a mate of mine used to get six pound a week. So he had to wait a fortnight to get a tenner out.

• 10:04Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 10:04Speaker 02

  So, no, so we were just past that. Yeah. So he was like, yeah, he was, I remember going, I got six quid, probably a fortnight to get a tenner out. We thought it was the funniest fucking thing.

• 10:13Speaker 04

  That's brilliant.

• 10:14Speaker 03

  It was frustrating though, wasn't it? When you couldn't get a fiver out.

• 10:17Speaker 02

  Yeah. So you could though, you could get five.

• 10:18Speaker 04

  Yeah, when I started in my first year, I remember doing it. That was in ninety seven. Yeah.

• 10:23Speaker 03

  That's when we started comp.

• 10:25Speaker 02

  I was, yeah, I was year seven.

• 10:26Speaker 03

  What were you doing in eighty seven?

• 10:28Speaker 04

  I was at drama school in Guildford and I was the only northern, no, Stephanie Lincoln was from Blackburn and that was it. As far as I remember, there was no more northern people. And I'm Midlands, aren't I? I'm sure you can think of me as northern. Yeah.

• 10:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 10:43Speaker 04

  But I went to this, I moved down to London, went to Guildford and I was like, my mind was blown. I was like, all these people that, that were all so posh. I just couldn't. Yeah.

• 10:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 10:53Speaker 03

  Did you enjoy it?

• 10:53Speaker 04

  Yeah, I did. Where was it? Guildford was really good because they let me do, write my songs and stuff. I think some drama schools are more, but they let me do, I was in this group who used to go round, we used to do like songs from musicals and Ellis would have found it so cringey, he can't stand musicals. He can't, I took him to see Book of Mormon and he would watch that because it's funny. Is it the same?

• 11:15Speaker 02

  Same. She loves musicals so much.

• 11:17Speaker 03

  I love musicals.

• 11:17Speaker 04

  I do. I don't like really cheesy ones. I like, like Sondheim and stuff. Do you? Do you like any?

• 11:25Speaker 03

  I'm, I'm similar.

• 11:27Speaker 02

  You like the classics as well.

• 11:29Speaker 04

  Would you go and see Mamma Mia, I would on a handy?

• 11:31Speaker 03

  Oh, I've seen it. Yeah, it's great. It's like, the film's absolutely not getting the bin, but the musical's great. I like ABBA songs.

• 11:39Speaker 04

  Yeah, I do. I do. You know what a song was saying the other day? ABBA songs have got, you shouldn't ever sing them at karaoke unless you're a proper singer because the range is so wide. You don't think about it, but you end up going, dancing queen.

• 11:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, I was in ABBA tribute band for a while. And it's really hard. Yeah, it's really hard.

• 11:55Speaker 02

  Well, of course the range is big because it was blokes and women. So you're covering a hell of a, am I right?

• 11:59Speaker 03

  All right. They're better singers than you think.

• 12:02Speaker 02

  Oh, sorry.

• 12:03Speaker 04

  You're gonna nick it for a podcast?

• 12:07Speaker 03

  Were you alive when?

• 12:09Speaker 02

  No, no. What I meant was, that's, what I meant, I didn't mean that to sound like that. What I meant was, oh my God, of course you're right. That's amazing because it was men and women. I wasn't like, well, of course, as you know, sorry, take that out, just wasting our fucking time. That's not what I meant. I meant, I was like a eureka moment. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it to sound like that.

• 12:26Speaker 04

  Not at all. Because there were bloody blokes there, that's why.

• 12:30Speaker 03

  Do you know what I can admit now publicly?

• 12:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:33Speaker 03

  So I've wanted to go to the Mamma Mia party for years, right? Do you know, have you heard of it?

• 12:38Speaker 04

  No, is it? I can imagine it. You have a meal and.

• 12:40Speaker 03

  And there's people, there's like singers and acting. Yeah, I've wanted to go to that for years, but I could never admit that the reason I won't go is because it's at the O2. It's miles away.

• 12:50Speaker 04

  It's, and it's in an odd place. And also I find it, if I went to the Mamma Mia party, I'd want it to be in a more kind of, I suppose.

• 12:59Speaker 03

  In a little restaurant, a little restaurant.

• 13:00Speaker 04

  A little bistro.

• 13:01Speaker 03

  It made it look like that apparently. It's meant to be absolutely class.

• 13:04Speaker 04

  Something about going in and seeing loads of bright lights and sort of food outlets. It doesn't seem right, does it? You want, you want to feel like.

• 13:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, but yes, you're right. You're right.

• 13:13Speaker 04

  Yeah, I went to see Madonna there.

• 13:17Speaker 02

  So just before that, were you alive when it was the Millennium Dome?

• 13:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, I went.

• 13:23Speaker 02

  I just wanted to use our new phrase.

• 13:24Speaker 04

  Yeah, actually, it's gonna be, it can be a really short podcast. It could just be ten minutes.

• 13:30Speaker 03

  Yes, I know.

• 13:30Speaker 04

  Were you alive when?

• 13:31Speaker 02

  No, no conversation, just quick by a question.

• 13:33Speaker 04

  And you could do it with like journalists and really sort of, were you alive when Henry the Eighth was, no. Great, go on, bye.

• 13:42Speaker 03

  Oh my gosh.

• 13:43Speaker 04

  I remember it was the Millennium Dome and, and do you know when the, this was when I was drawing the fivers out of the ATM and I was near the ATM when my then boyfriend, Tom, convinced me when the Millennium Dome was opening, that the Millennium Dome was an illusion created by David Copperfield and that it was all a lie and that it worked doing magic to create this idea that there was going to be a Millennium Dome. And I believed him and I went into Sainsbury's on Guildford High Street and asked the cashier if it was true that the Millennium Dome was an illusion created by David Copperfield. It's wild.

• 14:19Speaker 02

  Why would you ask someone in Sainsbury's? Why would you ask a cashier in Sainsbury's that?

• 14:25Speaker 04

  Yeah, I just wanted to ask someone who looked normal. Do you know what I mean? Who like knew, knew what life was about.

• 14:33Speaker 02

  Would you like a random question? Yes, please.

• 14:36Speaker 03

  It had the biggest McDonald's in the world.

• 14:39Speaker 02

  Did it?

• 14:39Speaker 04

  Yeah, but not anymore.

• 14:41Speaker 03

  Not anymore. Because obviously it's not there anymore.

• 14:43Speaker 04

  I love it when things like that, like we're the biggest blah, blah, blah in the world. I always want to go to them and, yeah.

• 14:49Speaker 03

  Well, I went and it was dead.

• 14:51Speaker 02

  It wasn't, it wasn't, Rosie, it was rammed. It was just massive. The people were dispersed perfectly across it.

• 14:57Speaker 04

  It's so funny how it's a selling point, isn't it? We're the biggest and you go, the food's going to taste the same as anywhere else.

• 15:02Speaker 02

  Probably worse. Probably worse.

• 15:04Speaker 04

  Why? Because they've got to make so much of it.

• 15:05Speaker 02

  Probably would cool down more. You've had a cold Big Mac. So sad.

• 15:08Speaker 04

  No, no, it's got to be eating hot. I don't even like cold chips from the, I love, we have fish and chips on a Friday night often with curry sauce. I hate cold chips. I hate them. They have to be really steaming hot. And it's the same with McDonald's.

• 15:21Speaker 03

  Do you like a lot of vinegar?

• 15:23Speaker 04

  Yeah, but, but as much salt.

• 15:28Speaker 00

  Hey Spotify listeners, when you travel with American Airlines, you'll enjoy comfort and convenience at every altitude. Before takeoff, unwind in the Admirals Club Lounge with curated self-serve offerings of hearty bites and refreshments. In flight, stay connected with high-speed wifi, sponsored by AT&T. Your journey is designed to feel easy from the moment you check in to the moment you arrive. No matter where you're going, American gets you there. Book now at aa.com.

• 15:56Speaker 01

  Stay cosy and look cool with up to sixty percent off cold weather gear at Nordstrom Rack. Save on cashmere, outerwear, boots and more from brands like Ugg, Vince, Kohan and Hunter. Join the Nordy Club for free to unlock exclusive discounts, shop clearance and new arrivals first and more. Plus, buy online and pick up at your favourite Rack store for free. Great brands, great prices. That's why you Rack.

• 16:22Speaker 05

  When an intruder approaches a home, they expect a camera. What they don't expect. Stop, this is Simply Safe. Police are on the way. Using smart AI cameras, live US-based agents help deter intruders in under thirty seconds. Don't just record a break-in, stop it from ever happening. Plans starting around a dollar a day. Right now, get seventy percent off your new system with professional monitoring at simplysafe.com/spotify.

• 16:45Speaker 06

  Thirty seconds response time requires monitoring plan with outdoor protection starting at forty nine ninety nine a month. Visit simplysafe.com/licenses for alarm licence information.

• 16:54Speaker 02

  Listen, I cut you off before you went to see Madonna at the O2, you said.

• 16:57Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna say something.

• 17:00Speaker 03

  Do it.

• 17:00Speaker 04

  Is she gonna listen to this?

• 17:02Speaker 03

  No.

• 17:02Speaker 02

  Madonna, she, she doesn't listen. She, she doesn't listen to the recording, but she is in the next room.

• 17:07Speaker 04

  No, she's just silently.

• 17:09Speaker 02

  She's just in the next.

• 17:09Speaker 04

  Oh, she's not, but she's not listening at all. She's doing like a Sudoku.

• 17:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, she's just in the next room. It's fine.

• 17:14Speaker 04

  That's all right though. She won't, as long as she won't hear it. You know, I'm gonna believe it. I'm gonna go and ask a cashier in Nando's if Madonna's in the next room.

• 17:23Speaker 02

  Hi, I'm as you say, does Madonna listen to Shag Maranoid? Sorry.

• 17:27Speaker 03

  I do though. You never know. You don't really know, do you?

• 17:30Speaker 04

  No, do you ever meet people and they go, we, but sometimes I meet people and they go, oh, I like people. So I kind of go.

• 17:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, when someone, when someone you don't expect to know who you are.

• 17:39Speaker 04

  Yeah, or someone who, when you were young, you, you know, like if I ever met someone from neighbours or home and away in the nineties and they said that they watched something I'd done, I'd be like, I'd go back to how I was then. I think Madonna's amazing, but I felt like that venue, I don't know if it was the venue actually, she kept berating the audience for not being, she was like, guys, come on.

• 18:00Speaker 03

  Like, what do you mean? Like not being hyped enough?

• 18:02Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 18:05Speaker 03

  When was this recently or a long time ago?

• 18:08Speaker 04

  Probably about five or six. It was after Covid, I think.

• 18:11Speaker 02

  Ah, okay, yeah.

• 18:13Speaker 04

  Maybe it was just after Covid.

• 18:15Speaker 03

  Everyone was in, everyone lived in fear for a little while.

• 18:17Speaker 04

  Yeah, maybe we weren't being as, because you don't think that, I remember Ellis saying during Covid, like, people will never hug again. People were, like, it was like.

• 18:24Speaker 02

  That doesn't sound like Ellis to, to catastrophise in the way that I absolutely said the same thing.

• 18:33Speaker 03

  I've got a question regarding Tom.

• 18:37Speaker 04

  Tom, my, my ex.

• 18:37Speaker 03

  What does he do now? The gaslighter. What does he do?

• 18:40Speaker 04

  He's an actor.

• 18:41Speaker 03

  Oh, okay.

• 18:43Speaker 02

  Sorry, the guy, not the man who.

• 18:44Speaker 04

  I like that you've remembered that.

• 18:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, no, that's, why did he tell you that it wasn't real?

• 18:49Speaker 04

  He just, I am, I fall for everything. I am so, and at school, I think, yeah, he just enjoyed winding me up at school. Did you ever, were you alive when people?

• 19:02Speaker 04

  Put vics under their eyes, just sort of for a laugh. Does it hurt your eyes and made you cry?

• 19:07Speaker 02

  Right.

• 19:07Speaker 04

  We used to do it in sixth form.

• 19:09Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 19:09Speaker 04

  And my then boyfriend, God, this is a pattern, isn't it? Ollie convinced me that once you'd put the vics on your eyes and your eyes hurt and produced tears, the way to get rid of that was to put more vics under your eyes. So I remember being on the playing field, just slathering vics sometimes and going, it's not working, it's not stopping it.

• 19:27Speaker 02

  He was like a fucking cricket player.

• 19:29Speaker 04

  Yeah. So, yeah, I just, I got better as I've got older. But now I'm nearly fifty five.

• 19:39Speaker 02

  It'll all stop.

• 19:43Speaker 03

  I love it. Um, let's talk about Taskmaster.

• 19:46Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 19:46Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 19:47Speaker 03

  Because you are currently on there.

• 19:49Speaker 02

  Finals tomorrow night, Bonfire Night. Which I can never say, I can never say now Bonfire Night without, so you know when we, we, before we talked about Taskmaster, we used to do the circuit together, we did, yeah, back in the day.

• 19:59Speaker 04

  A lot of uni gigs.

• 20:00Speaker 02

  A lot of the Avalon Network uni gigs together. Um, what I always think of when I think of Bonfire Night is when there was a, there was a gig that I think I can't, it's, the story's been told that many times, I can't even remember if I was there or not, but there was a gig and the compere went on and it was on the 5th of November and the compere went on and the crowd were just a bit not getting it, a little bit bad, a little bit flat. And he came backstage, pointed at the room like that, went, oh, Bonfire Night.

• 20:28Speaker 03

  That explains.

• 20:29Speaker 02

  They're all in there, but they wish they were at a fucking bonfire and they are a hard crowd.

• 20:35Speaker 03

  What, when did you see Madonna? It might have been Bonfire Night.

• 20:37Speaker 02

  It might have been Bonfire Night.

• 20:38Speaker 04

  Oh my god, maybe it was.

• 20:40Speaker 03

  It's, it's Bonfire Night.

• 20:41Speaker 02

  Come on guys, listen, Madge, can you just fucking knock this on the head? We have got a bonfire, I've got, there's a Catherine wheel out there begging. Big deal in England actually.

• 20:48Speaker 03

  Did you do the hits?

• 20:50Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 20:50Speaker 03

  Good, okay.

• 20:51Speaker 04

  Yeah, she did and all the hits were brilliant.

• 20:53Speaker 03

  Because there's nothing worse, is there? When you go see someone and you're like, can you fucking pack it in with these new songs?

• 20:57Speaker 04

  I'm doing a new one that I wrote and you're like, we don't want to hear it.

• 21:00Speaker 03

  No, please.

• 21:01Speaker 04

  I know.

• 21:02Speaker 03

  Please God.

• 21:02Speaker 02

  And comedy's the opposite, complete opposite.

• 21:05Speaker 04

  I know.

• 21:05Speaker 03

  You're not allowed to do your old stuff.

• 21:06Speaker 04

  But then I remember doing a new material night with a new song up in Birmingham and it wasn't very good. It was the first time I'd done it. You don't know whether good stuff's good till you try it, do you?

• 21:15Speaker 02

  Worst bit about comedy, can't test it in the mirror.

• 21:18Speaker 04

  I know, it's, it had a lot, it had a bit and then it had a long instrumental bit and in the dark I just heard someone go, oh god.

• 21:25Speaker 03

  Oh, stop.

• 21:28Speaker 03

  Oh no, that's not very nice. That's not nice.

• 21:33Speaker 02

  Oh, that was close. That was, I shouldn't have took a drink of water then. That was nearly, that was nearly bloody innuendo bingo on Radio One, that.

• 21:39Speaker 03

  I know, it's bad, isn't it?

• 21:40Speaker 04

  It feels worse, doesn't it, than someone shouting like your shit, just privately to themselves, like saying to themselves, you can get a three week.

• 21:48Speaker 03

  I know, you've got thick skin. I've told this before, when I, I used to sing around all the social clubs and one, one night I was singing and there was a couple at the back of the room with their fingers in their ears.

• 22:02Speaker 03

  And you know when you, I'm like, I've got another 90 minutes of this.

• 22:08Speaker 03

  I wanted to die. I wanted to die.

• 22:10Speaker 04

  No, it's, you do.

• 22:12Speaker 02

  And that's, and that's so, it's so like bass.

• 22:16Speaker 04

  Cartoon of people not listening, isn't it?

• 22:17Speaker 02

  It's so bass, it's so like childish, it's so like, get this out of my aura, get this out of my space.

• 22:24Speaker 03

  It's so bad.

• 22:25Speaker 04

  Why don't, if you don't, and I bet you're absolutely brilliant by the way, but why, if you don't like it for whatever reason, just quietly leave.

• 22:34Speaker 03

  Just go.

• 22:34Speaker 04

  Just go honestly. This is what I always think about any gig. Why are you sat there with your fingers in your ears?

• 22:39Speaker 03

  I'm not saying I'm the best singer in the world, I'm absolutely not, but I'm not, I don't think I'm bad enough to put your fingers in your ears.

• 22:45Speaker 02

  However, it's that thing and you'll have this with comedy clubs, art centres have it, it's their, that is their social club, the people with the fingers in their ears, they're in their seats.

• 22:53Speaker 04

  You're in their environment.

• 22:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, they're, they're not going anywhere. It's the same when you get the people who, you know, when you do the art centres and stuff and you're, when you're up and coming, you do the couple of hundred seat art centres, you will get, you'll go, you know, some weird art centre somewhere, Sale Art Centre just outside Manchester and you go, oh, you've sold 40 tickets. They go, what the, how have I fucking sold 40 already? Oh, because there's people who will go to everything that's on there.

• 23:12Speaker 04

  Everything.

• 23:13Speaker 02

  And they hate you so much. Carl Hutchison was on once and the guy whipped out a book, started reading a book in the front row, got a book out of his pocket and started reading a book. It was insane.

• 23:22Speaker 04

  That's amazing. But do you think that's like, if people have got a local art gallery and an exhibition comes they don't like, they still go, but they just put their hands over that?

• 23:29Speaker 02

  Walking in the walls.

• 23:32Speaker 03

  I did not all care this.

• 23:33Speaker 02

  Taskmaster, sorry. Taskmaster.

• 23:35Speaker 04

  And I like the way you say Taskmaster. So Daniel Kitson, one of my very good friends who lives up the road, says Taskmaster. And I always go, why don't you say Taskmaster?

• 23:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 23:45Speaker 04

  Why do you say Master? But the only word he says in a southern accent is Master.

• 23:49Speaker 03

  Or Plaster.

• 23:50Speaker 02

  Plaster. That's come how he says it.

• 23:51Speaker 04

  Do you as well?

• 23:52Speaker 03

  Plaster, yeah.

• 23:53Speaker 02

  Do you say plaster or master?

• 23:53Speaker 04

  From your area?

• 23:54Speaker 03

  I think so. I don't even think it's a, I don't think it's a Geordie thing. So we're from South Shields, we're sand dancers, that's what we're called. And it's more that, isn't it? So how would, how would a Geordie?

• 24:04Speaker 02

  It's a very localised thing. People in Newcastle would.

• 24:07Speaker 03

  Taskmaster, Master? It is the only word.

• 24:09Speaker 02

  No, no, Geordie might, Taskmaster.

• 24:11Speaker 03

  Taskmaster.

• 24:11Speaker 02

  Might say Taskmaster.

• 24:13Speaker 03

  Sorry that you do it really horrible.

• 24:14Speaker 02

  Like a proper Newcastle, Taskmaster.

• 24:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, we're Master and Plaster.

• 24:18Speaker 04

  And Dan's from Denbydale, so that's further south than you, but.

• 24:22Speaker 03

  It's weird, isn't it?

• 24:23Speaker 04

  Yeah, Master. Yeah, it's weird, but anyway, I like it.

• 24:25Speaker 03

  You say Taskmaster.

• 24:26Speaker 04

  I like it. I'm going to accept it now. I rib him about it. I go, say it properly.

• 24:32Speaker 02

  So your, um, your series, you're on with which of our, who are you?

• 24:35Speaker 04

  Rich O R D, Matt Lucas, Nina Conti, Chloe Petz, didn't know any of them very well, which was good. I don't know how you guys, I want to ask you about you. This is the first interview I've done where I've been, I think, where I've been with people who've.

• 24:46Speaker 02

  Who've done it.

• 24:47Speaker 04

  Who've done it.

• 24:47Speaker 03

  Ooh.

• 24:48Speaker 04

  I think, I believe, sorry if I've forgotten that I've done so much press for it, but it's lovely to actually, do you feel like you're in a, I feel a bit like when, before you have a baby, I texted Annie Magliano and I was like, what's it like? What's it like? I felt like, it's like this, it's coming up and it's gonna happen. Um, and she was like, she gave me some really good advice about just enjoying it and stuff like that.

• 25:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:09Speaker 04

  Um, and I was glad that I didn't know one person really well, because I think I would have wanted to sit next to them and stuff.

• 25:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:16Speaker 04

  Um, but I, I had a brilliant time and I thought, I don't know if you've found this, it was so different doing the tasks and doing the studio. I don't think I'd realised, it's like a different part of your brain, isn't it? And once I got used to being on my own and doing all the tasks, I was like, right, I get this, this is really fun. I'm so fucking naked at the end of the day.

• 25:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 25:38Speaker 04

  It felt like I'd been like walloped over the head like I'd jet lagged.

• 25:41Speaker 03

  Oh, it was exhausting.

• 25:42Speaker 04

  It was, wasn't it? It's all you.

• 25:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 25:44Speaker 04

  And it feels really easy and light, but actually, and you're not thinking about being funny, are you? Because that's not the way to, you're just thinking about doing the task, having fun, banter and all that. But then you realise actually it is pressure, because it, you have got to do it.

• 26:00Speaker 03

  I much prefer the studio.

• 26:01Speaker 04

  Did you?

• 26:01Speaker 03

  With like the audience. Yeah. I think I'm more of a team player, do you know what I mean? Whereas I think people, I think a lot of people, when I've watched their episodes, they thrive in that environment. But then the studio, I love the studio, but I love my cast. Like, we got on really, really well and I didn't know any of them. I was with Stevie Martin, Matthew Bainton, Jason Mansoukis and Fatia Elgory.

• 26:22Speaker 04

  Yeah, that's a really good.

• 26:23Speaker 03

  It was great.

• 26:24Speaker 02

  They all had lunch together.

• 26:25Speaker 04

  Jason there, because they keep bringing Americans over, don't they?

• 26:27Speaker 02

  Yeah. They all, they all had lunch together. Every day they all sat in the bit upstairs and they all had lunch together.

• 26:32Speaker 04

  No.

• 26:33Speaker 02

  No, no other cast has ever done that. So weird that you did that.

• 26:37Speaker 04

  I love that. That's just luck. I mean, I don't mean that we didn't get on, but we didn't have that, um, we didn't have that sort of jet, that, I'm thinking of Biker Grove, but it might be because of where you're from, but imagine you were.

• 26:48Speaker 03

  Down at the Grove.

• 26:49Speaker 04

  You're so young. Just, we didn't have that Biker Grove lunch.

• 26:53Speaker 02

  Were you alive when Biker Grove was on?

• 26:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, I auditioned for it as a kid. Yeah, I never got it.

• 26:59Speaker 04

  Oh, and if I'd lived where you lived when it was on, I would have been turning up to set every day going, let me on it, let me on it, I'll be an extra.

• 27:06Speaker 02

  A guy in my college was, was in it and then when he was at the college, everyone was like, oh my god, oh my god, it's Greg from Biker Grove.

• 27:13Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, yeah. My friend Hazel.

• 27:15Speaker 02

  I was obsessed with them.

• 27:15Speaker 03

  My friend Hazel, very good friend of mine, she was the last seen on Biker Grove. She fell down the hill. Hazel was in Biker Grove, did you know that?

• 27:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, that was before the, before the cameras went on, she fell down a hill and then she had to get in, then she came out to finish that scene.

• 27:29Speaker 03

  She didn't die.

• 27:30Speaker 04

  God, when I was in Shameless, I.

• 27:32Speaker 03

  I love Shameless.

• 27:33Speaker 04

  Do, do you? It was really, it was, it was, um, I was up in Manchester for months and months and it overran and then it went after Christmas. And sometimes I just didn't sleep. I did, I think sometimes, I find filming away from home sometimes hard. It was before I had kids, but I missed hell and I missed our little flat and stuff. And, um,

• 27:55Speaker 04

  I was like, it used to be a freezing cold minibus that took us to set every morning. And, um, I was coming down, um, the Malmeson in, um.

• 28:03Speaker 03

  Oh, nice.

• 28:04Speaker 04

  Oh no, not Malmeson, Doubletree by Hilton opposite Manchester Picard Station.

• 28:07Speaker 02

  It's just round the corner from the Malmeson. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 28:09Speaker 03

  There, yeah, lovely.

• 28:10Speaker 04

  Give you a cookie when you get there, don't they? And it's warm.

• 28:13Speaker 03

  I bet they don't anymore.

• 28:14Speaker 02

  I think they still do, warm cookies, yeah, yeah.

• 28:16Speaker 03

  Oh, nice, okay.

• 28:17Speaker 04

  Can't eat it cold, it's like McDonald's. So I, so yeah, I, I stayed, stayed at that hotel, it was where we always lived, the, um, minibus used to pull up and, um, the, I'm just talking about an injury, it's made me think of this. I decided, because I was running late, through reasons I can't explain, to turn all the lights off when I was at the bed, then walk quickly towards the door to exit with my bag. I know. And in all those rooms, the bathroom door used to always swing shut. And sometimes it used to annoy me because I'd be like, oh, it makes such a loud noise. And in this one room, it didn't. It stuck on the carpet. So the bathroom door was open and in the way of the main door. And I just walked into stride. I strode. Is that right? Strided.

• 29:02Speaker 04

  I strode into the, I walked. I walked fast.

• 29:05Speaker 02

  I quickly walked.

• 29:07Speaker 04

  I walked with purpose.

• 29:08Speaker 03

  Yeah, you, yeah, walked with purpose.

• 29:10Speaker 04

  There we go.

• 29:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:11Speaker 04

  Into this open.

• 29:13Speaker 02

  So we're talking side on, we're talking the side of the door smashes it on the eye.

• 29:18Speaker 04

  So I just was like, oh, I just carried on walking. So I can't be late, can't be late. You know, I was late this morning because I went into a furniture showroom, as you know, and introduced myself to the man and then realised it wasn't the podcast studio.

• 29:28Speaker 03

  They're very.

• 29:29Speaker 02

  So funny.

• 29:30Speaker 04

  I don't know why, Michael. And I got down to the minibus and everyone was like, oh my God, like looking at my eye. And I got there and it was just like completely swollen up.

• 29:42Speaker 02

  No way.

• 29:43Speaker 04

  Because it was shameless and it was always a bit shameless. They were like, right, we'll take you to hospital. We got, I got Twix on the vending machine. I went to hospital. They did that butterfly stitches.

• 29:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 29:55Speaker 04

  And he was like, you need to rest. And I just went back to set and they shot everything from, I had some of those big pub scenes, you know.

• 30:02Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 30:03Speaker 04

  I just did everything. I must have, my character choice must have looked really weird for that episode because I was just like, always turned to the side, like.

• 30:10Speaker 03

  Listening in.

• 30:13Speaker 02

  Fucking Popeye.

• 30:16Speaker 03

  That is funny.

• 30:16Speaker 04

  A glass to the door.

• 30:17Speaker 03

  Do you know what's the funniest thing about that though? This industry, like anybody else, any other job, you do that, have to go to hospital, you get the day off.

• 30:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:26Speaker 03

  Like, no, no day off. Because you, no one ever wants to.

• 30:30Speaker 04

  I mean, it wasn't, I suppose I could have said, I'm not working. They told me to have the day off, but I was like, well, I'm in Manchester. I may as well just go and sit in the pub and get a lunch. But then my mum had to wash my hair, had to go stay in Matlock because I couldn't wash my own hair because I couldn't get it wet. I think, I reckon I could have done if I'd really tried. I think I wanted my mum to do it.

• 30:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, you needed a bit of tail. And before we go on anything else, we didn't really get on to it too much. So the, I have seen it online chatting about it and why did you take your boyfriend's now husband, Ellis James, who was also a comedian? Why did you take his dirty underpants with you and put them on your pillow?

• 31:07Speaker 04

  Oh, oh God, I thought you were talking about Taskmaster. Right, you know, the dirty, okay.

• 31:10Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah. So no, I feel like we mentioned it earlier.

• 31:14Speaker 04

  Clean pants on Taskmaster was for a task and that was a thing that Greg will not be envious of, I think that worded better than that. And they showed them on a mannequin and everyone was very disgusted because they've got big holes in them, but there is lucky pants that he wears when Wales play football. I then spent about a week, all the press that day of Taskmaster, just talking about Ellis's pants, without meaning to. And I remembered that in Always Be Comedy Podcast, I told James Gill and Tim about when we first got together.

• 31:45Speaker 03

  That's what we've got, yeah.

• 31:46Speaker 04

  He used to take a pair of his dirty pants, but on tour with me, I just missed him so much. But there's loads of comments underneath going, why didn't you just take a T-shirt?

• 31:54Speaker 03

  I like a jumper, like a nice jumper with aftershave on. What were you sniffing in his, like his crotch? And he wore them?

• 32:00Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 32:00Speaker 03

  Oh God, that is so disgusting.

• 32:02Speaker 04

  Is it?

• 32:03Speaker 03

  It's like, like feces, like every day.

• 32:07Speaker 02

  When the man shits himself, yeah.

• 32:09Speaker 03

  Nobody left a fire in them. They're particles of shit.

• 32:12Speaker 04

  I don't think there was like any stains on them or anything. It was just like the smell of his crotch.

• 32:17Speaker 03

  Which you like.

• 32:18Speaker 02

  Someone in the other room just, I just heard someone in the other room, which is soundproofed, gag.

• 32:25Speaker 04

  Is it Madonna?

• 32:26Speaker 02

  It's, you know, I've always.

• 32:27Speaker 04

  Madonna would do that. That'd be the tip of the iceberg.

• 32:30Speaker 02

  Furious.

• 32:30Speaker 03

  Come on, guys. Get it together.

• 32:33Speaker 02

  I've always, this is going to sound a weird thing to say and I hope it comes out not too weird, but even when you and Ellis first got together, I've always been so, I've always found it so lovely how just immediately in love the pair of yous were.

• 32:46Speaker 04

  Oh, that's so nice that you remember that.

• 32:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, I do remember. And I remember and it was like, and everyone was like, oh my God, they're together. They're just a lovely couple. They're like obsessed with each other. It was really lovely.

• 32:55Speaker 04

  We were so, what's wrong with taking it? But I mean, that's, that's the price you pay, isn't it? You take the pants on tour, then you talk about it 20 years later or whatever it is. Yeah, we were. And we met at a gig and that was nice.

• 33:07Speaker 03

  What's it, yeah. What's it like as two comedians together?

• 33:11Speaker 04

  It's good. I mean, it's different. It's funny, isn't it? Because you, I always think if we hadn't had kids, I didn't know, I didn't know if I'd ever have kids. I were like, I thought, I hope I will if I meet the right person. But it wasn't like, you know, some of those people from school, they're like, I want to be a mum, I want to be a dad. But I, I didn't know. And then when we met, even then I was like obsessed with my career. I just was. And then I got to like 35 and it was like, I literally woke up and I was like, I need to have a child, I need to have a child. And I had the implant, which I loved, the contraceptive implant, because you could flex. If you flex your muscle, it showed up like a weird.

• 33:49Speaker 03

  It's always, I've never had it. It freaked me the fuck. My mates who had it and they'd be like, look, I was like.

• 33:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:55Speaker 04

  I know, but then I did not want the.

• 33:57Speaker 03

  No, I know.

• 33:58Speaker 04

  What is it? The coil? I know someone who had the coil and she said she felt like she was sitting on a nail the whole time and it had to be removed.

• 34:04Speaker 02

  That's the worst thing I've ever heard. I've just about made a joke and you've put us off.

• 34:08Speaker 03

  When you've got a tampon in wrong.

• 34:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:10Speaker 03

  I can't get on with my day.

• 34:11Speaker 04

  No, of course you can't.

• 34:12Speaker 03

  I've really gone off tampons, you know, I think something's happened.

• 34:15Speaker 04

  Use them anymore.

• 34:15Speaker 03

  I did my back in, you know, and I think, I don't, it might not even, I did my back in when I was drunk. I fell down the stairs and I think it's affected my vagina.

• 34:24Speaker 04

  Do you?

• 34:25Speaker 03

  I, like, something has happened in the last year or so that I think something tilted us. It's knackered. I need to go to the doctors.

• 34:32Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 34:33Speaker 03

  I need to go to the doctors because something's wrong with my vagina.

• 34:36Speaker 04

  From the fall. It's possible, but you went to like a pelvic health person.

• 34:40Speaker 03

  Maybe, like, maybe still sort it out.

• 34:42Speaker 02

  Sometimes I, sometimes I just listen on this podcast and this is just, this is a bit where I just listen.

• 34:47Speaker 04

  How did we get on to?

• 34:49Speaker 02

  All I was going to say is.

• 34:50Speaker 03

  Implant kids, Ellis. Sorry, yes, the implant kids, Ellis.

• 34:53Speaker 02

  What I was going to say is why don't you get, why don't you consider if you're ever going to go on tour again and be aware, getting some of Ellis's pants implanted under your skin?

• 35:01Speaker 04

  Oh my God. Yeah, but then I couldn't smell them.

• 35:04Speaker 03

  That's the whole point.

• 35:05Speaker 02

  Fair enough.

• 35:06Speaker 03

  I would suggest maybe a hat, a woolly hat. That's very fair norm.

• 35:10Speaker 04

  Made out of the pants. Oh, no.

• 35:14Speaker 02

  Look, part the fucking pants, right? Well, Izzy, we're trying to, we're trying to move you on from the pants.

• 35:19Speaker 04

  I'm now thinking about where I would get the pants implanted under my skin where they wouldn't show, like on your hip or something. You'd have to cut them in half and do one on each side.

• 35:28Speaker 02

  A BBL, it's the new BBL. It's not silicon. It is some of it. It has to be some of your husband's pants, otherwise it doesn't count.

• 35:35Speaker 04

  It'd cause an infection, isn't it?

• 35:37Speaker 03

  It would absolutely cause infection.

• 35:40Speaker 07

  Starting or growing your own business can be intimidating and lonely at times. Your to-do list may feel endless with new tasks and lists can easily begin to overrun your life. So finding the right tool that not only helps you out, but simplifies everything as a built-in business partner can be a game changer. For millions of businesses, that tool is Shopify. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e-commerce in the US. From household names like Jim Shark, Rare Beauty and Heinz, to brands just getting started. Shopify has hundreds of ready-to-use templates that can help you build a beautiful online store that matches your brand's style.

• 36:22Speaker 07

  And you can tackle all the important tasks in one place, from inventory to payments to analytics and more. No need to save multiple websites or try to figure out what platform is hosting the tool that you need. And if people haven't heard about your brand, you can get the word out like you have a marketing team behind you with easy-to-run email and social media campaigns to reach customers wherever they're scrolling or strolling. Start your business today with the industry's best business partner, Shopify, and start hearing. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at Shopify.com/real. Go to Shopify.com/real. That's Shopify.com/real.

• 37:06Speaker 00

  Hey Spotify listeners, when you travel with American Airlines, you'll enjoy comfort and convenience at every altitude. Before takeoff, unwind in the Admirals Club Lounge with curated self-serve offerings of hearty bites and refreshments. In flight, stay connected with high-speed wifi, sponsored by AT&T. Your journey is designed to feel easy from the moment you check in to the moment you arrive. No matter where you're going, American gets you there. Book now at aa.com.

• 37:34Speaker 01

  Stay cosy and look cool with up to 60% off cold weather gear at Nordstrom Rack. Save on cashmere, outerwear, boots and more from brands like Ugg, Vince, Kohan and Hunter. Join the Nordy Club for free to unlock exclusive discounts, shop clearance and new arrivals first and more. Plus, buy online and pick up at your favourite Rack store for free. Great brands, great prices. That's why you Rack.

• 38:00Speaker 02

  On Taskmaster, you revealed that at school, you're trying to snog a boy from every letter of the alphabet.

• 38:06Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 38:08Speaker 02

  I just wanna know the setup. Was it a speed dating thing? Did you have a desk? Did you?

• 38:14Speaker 04

  No.

• 38:15Speaker 02

  Was it, you know, was it, you know, children in need, you sometimes do a thing, you bring some cakes in.

• 38:19Speaker 04

  You give the money to charities.

• 38:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 38:21Speaker 04

  Yeah. Um, no, I didn't charge a pound every time and tick them off the alphabet and give it to children in need. It was a long-term project. And the weird thing is, and I think this is actually a bit chilling, I didn't tell anyone. It wasn't like me and my mates sharing this. I just had in my diary, my A, B, C, D, E down to the, and then I filled it in. And it was just for myself. I just used to go, right.

• 38:47Speaker 03

  I get, I think that's great. This is what we used to do before social media and before all that kind of stuff. You had to amuse yourself. I get that. I think that's great.

• 38:55Speaker 02

  How many did you get?

• 38:57Speaker 04

  Loads. And what would happen is, you know, um, in my year, there were so many like Matts, Marcus. You know, all those names. Um, I'd get loads of M's. I'd be like, oh, done. And then I'd fancy a guy called like Michael. I think, oh, unfortunately.

• 39:14Speaker 03

  It's not gonna work.

• 39:15Speaker 02

  It's never gonna work out.

• 39:17Speaker 04

  What a pity.

• 39:20Speaker 02

  What about, okay, but in the list, last question. Did you like X and Z and that? Did you just have a question mark thinking, uh?

• 39:26Speaker 04

  Well, I'm really determined. Like, once I get, um, once I get an idea in my head, I'm like, I'm gonna do it.

• 39:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:33Speaker 04

  And my sister's the same. We're just like that. We're like, I'll find a way.

• 39:37Speaker 03

  Right, okay.

• 39:38Speaker 04

  So I didn't want to give up. I don't know. I don't know what happened with X, Y and Z. I can't remember. I'll try and dig out my diary. I'll come on again. Do you have people on again on this?

• 39:49Speaker 02

  Uh, listen, we, we will a hundred percent. If you can bring that.

• 39:51Speaker 04

  Or I can just give you an update. Cause I'm gonna go through all my old diaries soon anyway, cause I've got an idea for a show that might involve my diary.

• 39:57Speaker 03

  Brilliant.

• 39:57Speaker 04

  If I can find the thing, I will, even if I don't come back on, we can put it in the show notes. I'll give you an update.

• 40:04Speaker 03

  Cause Chris will think about that all the time.

• 40:06Speaker 04

  Yeah. It was, it bothered me.

• 40:08Speaker 03

  There's nobody X, Y, Z at my school.

• 40:09Speaker 04

  In other countries, some names begin with those, like I think in Greece, there's like names that begin with X and stuff.

• 40:17Speaker 03

  Yes, yeah, yeah.

• 40:18Speaker 02

  Your first name or surname?

• 40:19Speaker 04

  Well, what happened is I bent my own rules. So it used to only be first name. But as the years went on, I was like, I'm gonna have to put surnames in this or I'm never gonna get it.

• 40:26Speaker 03

  You could've went girl, you could've done Yvonne.

• 40:28Speaker 04

  Yvonne. Yeah, you're right.

• 40:30Speaker 02

  Cow, Kevin, Kevin.

• 40:31Speaker 04

  Kevin. Y, yeah, Yvonne. A Z, Zach. It was a Zach, that was fine.

• 40:36Speaker 03

  Oh my God, if it'd been a Zach at my school. Oh my God, I'd have loved it.

• 40:41Speaker 04

  And also it would have been such an exotic name for my lot.

• 40:50Speaker 03

  Zach's coming. Oh, I'd have loved Zach, imagine.

• 40:53Speaker 04

  Oh, what's that song that you're singing?

• 40:55Speaker 02

  Oh, were you not alive? Were you not alive when Saved by the Bell was out?

• 40:57Speaker 03

  It's alright, cause I'm saved by the bell.

• 41:01Speaker 02

  Zach Slater, Screech?

• 41:02Speaker 04

  I, I, I know what Screech looks like, cause he's got a very memorable look. I've never watched it. I just loved listening to that song.

• 41:09Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 41:10Speaker 04

  I would say that's why you would have liked someone called Zach, because I just thought you're saying, cause it's a cool name.

• 41:14Speaker 03

  It is a cool name, but it also was very American and I loved anything American when I was a kid.

• 41:19Speaker 04

  Oh, I did. I loved, I wanted to move to America. Cause also, had in my head, I was gonna go to Hollywood and I was gonna, so I kept just begging mum and dad, like, we need to kickstart my Hollywood career. Like, my dad, you used to work in South Carolina a lot. And so I used to be like, can't we just move to America?

• 41:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, I was obsessed with it. Yeah. Um, you've got a question for us, Lucy, if you don't mind reading it out.

• 41:40Speaker 04

  I don't mind at all. Um, okay, here we go. Um, dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. This happened at the end of a very messy, bottomless brunch. We'd all had one too many and we're making our way back to Liverpool Street Station, McDonald's in hand.

• 41:53Speaker 03

  Perfect.

• 41:54Speaker 04

  One of the girls had been saying for ages that she desperately needed a wee, but with our train waiting, there was no time to stop. I hate that feeling.

• 42:02Speaker 03

  Yeah, I know.

• 42:02Speaker 04

  We jumped on, she found the toilet only to discover it was out of order. Forty minutes later, we finally arrived at our station. She sprinted off in search of a toilet, but of course it was locked for the evening.

• 42:13Speaker 03

  Oh, God.

• 42:14Speaker 04

  I assumed she was behind me as we headed towards the taxis until I heard her screaming my name from behind the station building. I ran over and was greeted by a sight I will never forget.

• 42:28Speaker 04

  At your face.

• 42:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, I'm just, I'm picturing it.

• 42:31Speaker 04

  You could be in Hollywood.

• 42:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:32Speaker 04

  There she was, a thirty-something woman squatting over a drain, producing what can only be described as a racehorse level wee. With the biggest look of relief on her face. She gasped, oh my God, that is so much better. I couldn't hold it anymore, but at least no one can see me here. Dun, dun, dun. I looked behind her and said, well, apart from everyone on the station platform, because of the metal railings.

• 42:58Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 43:00Speaker 03

  That's grim.

• 43:01Speaker 02

  So it was just a, like a cage?

• 43:04Speaker 04

  Yeah. She was in a cage of, it, she, it was like probably one of those weird art exhibitions in Amsterdam where you, and to make it worse, she was wearing a jumpsuit.

• 43:15Speaker 03

  Fully, she fully stripped off?

• 43:18Speaker 02

  Oh, she did it through the jumpsuit?

• 43:20Speaker 04

  She can't have done it through the jumpsuit.

• 43:22Speaker 03

  No, she fully stripped off and there was hope. Have you ever had one of them wees?

• 43:24Speaker 04

  Oh my God. And also, do you wear jumpsuits a lot? I started going, it is such a rigmarole. It is, it's, oh my God.

• 43:32Speaker 03

  You have to get naked to go to the toilet.

• 43:33Speaker 04

  And it's horrible, hate it. Like looking down. I'm like, this is wrong.

• 43:37Speaker 03

  I know.

• 43:38Speaker 02

  So do you have to get it off from the top or the bottom?

• 43:40Speaker 03

  From, it's a button down.

• 43:41Speaker 02

  So she's buttoned down the hook and so she's essentially, so she's essentially naked. She's almost naked above a drain, wee-ing. And she thinks behind her is a wall and it's not a wall, it's a fence.

• 43:52Speaker 04

  Railings. And I mean, almost naked, the only bit of her that's covered will be from the calves down.

• 43:57Speaker 03

  Yeah. I reckon she's slid her knickers to the side, possibly a thong. I think, you would slide it to the side. The, the, you'd slide it to the side of your lips and you would just do that.

• 44:08Speaker 04

  So you think whole jumpsuit down to the, and then slides to the side, like when you're swimming and you go for a wee.

• 44:12Speaker 03

  Like when you go swimming, yeah. You're not taking that all off. Who's taking that all off?

• 44:16Speaker 04

  Oh, that's a good idea. That is a good idea.

• 44:19Speaker 03

  Then I think she's done that.

• 44:20Speaker 04

  Do you know what? I'm gonna say this right. I know that's grim for the people who don't expect to see it. But I'm also a bit like, fuck it.

• 44:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:29Speaker 04

  I just don't, if I need a wee now, I go for a wee and I find places where, I'll go to a park with no trees and I'll find somewhere for a wee. If there's no, I get, I get personally enraged if there's no toilet.

• 44:41Speaker 03

  I know. This is the thing.

• 44:42Speaker 04

  I'm doing a wee. If you haven't provided shelter, then I'll just do it in front of people.

• 44:44Speaker 03

  I've said this for years. It's illegal to urinate places, but also it's like, well, how about you put some public toilets places?

• 44:51Speaker 02

  Can I apologise on behalf of all men, uh, slash people with penises? We can do it anyway. It's dead easy.

• 44:58Speaker 03

  Talking of London, can we talk about them urinals that are just everywhere? They make me wanna die.

• 45:03Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 45:03Speaker 03

  Have you seen them?

• 45:04Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 45:04Speaker 03

  They're random, they're, they're, they stink.

• 45:07Speaker 02

  There's a couple around, there's a couple around Soho and that. Yeah, they're really bad.

• 45:09Speaker 04

  Yeah, there's one near Waterloo and you can smell it like across the road.

• 45:13Speaker 03

  Oh, it's so disgusting.

• 45:14Speaker 04

  Um, I went on a night out, we went to see Pulp and I needed a wee. And it's similar. I was like, oh, no toilet, blah, blah, blah. And then I just was, we were in Camden and we were behind this sort of wall. And I was like, I'm doing a wee and my, but two of my best mates from school, they were like, here's the, no, you always do this. There's a people around. And I was like, I don't care. And I pulled my, I pulled my, I wasn't wearing a jumpsuit.

• 45:36Speaker 03

  Good.

• 45:37Speaker 04

  Um, jeans and pants down and I did a wee. And then we heard, we heard this bloke going, ladies, ladies. And then he had a hot dog stand on the other side of this, what I thought was a wall, but it was just like a little gate. And he was selling hot dogs and this stream of piss just started coming out from under his hot dog stand. And like flowing into the people who were buying the hot dog.

• 45:58Speaker 03

  Ladies and ladies.

• 46:00Speaker 04

  Ladies, ladies.

• 46:03Speaker 02

  Well, in his, in, in his defence, there is a very, very fine line between hot dog water and piss.

• 46:09Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 46:09Speaker 02

  So that's bad for the product. That is bad for the product.

• 46:12Speaker 04

  Or is it good? Because I go, at least it's not that. So at least you're eating that. Or would it make people go?

• 46:18Speaker 02

  No, it's mad. It's really bad. Yeah. I've just remembered that hot dogs smell a little bit like piss, cause I can smell that lady from Peep Show's piss.

• 46:25Speaker 03

  It's pretty bad. It is pretty bad. Um, listen, not the story I thought it would end on, but it is.

• 46:30Speaker 02

  Unbelievable. Yours was better than the please keep me running.

• 46:34Speaker 04

  Oh, but I wasn't wearing a jumpsuit. I think that's, I think that tops it, doesn't it?

• 46:38Speaker 03

  It is the jumpsuit. Good for her going in a drain though.

• 46:40Speaker 04

  Oh God, I agree. I would have gone on the train. I, I'd say it's out of order. It's not my fault.

• 46:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:45Speaker 03

  Exactly. I went behind a bus stop after I seen Spice Girls.

• 46:48Speaker 02

  I've gone on a train before.

• 46:49Speaker 03

  And I wrecked my shoe.

• 46:50Speaker 02

  I've gone on, on the Shields, on the metro to Newcastle. I think I've told you this. In my indie boy days, I sat, I sat on the chair. I put my feet on the chair in front of us. I pulled my pants down to my knees. I took my leather jacket off. I put it over my knee and I wee directly down onto the floor.

• 47:04Speaker 03

  You have never told me this.

• 47:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. Then I pulled the pants back up and I put the jacket on and I went and moved chairs. And then when someone got on, I was like, oh yes, someone's pissed at you. It's disgusting. It was me.

• 47:13Speaker 04

  It was me. Did you put your leather jacket on your knees before you pulled your pants down?

• 47:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. So sitting like this, feet up like that, leather jacket off, indie boy days, jacket over my knees, pants down.

• 47:23Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 47:24Speaker 02

  Shimmering to the edge of the seat, penis down, straight down, just sitting there, no one knows. And then pants back up, jacket back on, stand up. Oh, someone pissed at you. It's disgusting on you, animals.

• 47:35Speaker 03

  This is, that's.

• 47:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, I forgot. I, literally it just came back to us during that.

• 47:38Speaker 03

  I feel like stuff like this should be disclosed before you spend the rest of your life with somebody. That's horrible.

• 47:45Speaker 04

  Maybe you could get retrospective and find.

• 47:47Speaker 02

  What did so, what?

• 47:48Speaker 03

  I just find that a bit psychotic.

• 47:50Speaker 02

  Well, it was really, it was really, really done really well.

• 47:54Speaker 03

  And had a piss and then got back on the next train.

• 47:56Speaker 02

  I'd have missed the train. Might, it might have been the last train.

• 47:58Speaker 04

  But it's the metro, isn't that like the tube?

• 48:00Speaker 02

  The metro. Yeah.

• 48:01Speaker 04

  Yeah. I don't know. I think it, I think it's all right. I went for a wee once. Oh God, this is just, it's, we're overrunning. I went for a wee once, um, on a train from Norwich to Liverpool Street Station, oddly. And I was doing a kids play. And, um, I, I needed a wee. I went to the toilet and there was something wrong with the toilet. It was boiling hot. And all the surfaces were boiling, like some electricity thing had happened. And the light wouldn't work. And it was pitch black.

• 48:31Speaker 02

  Oh no.

• 48:31Speaker 04

  And I thought, right, I'm not sitting on this seat. My mum said, never sit on public toilet seats if they look dirty.

• 48:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, definitely hover.

• 48:38Speaker 04

  I found the back of my, of, of the seat with my back of my knees, hovered, did a massive wee.

• 48:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:45Speaker 04

  And then I opened the door and I thought, why am I still really hot? And I realised that the seat had been down. So I'd just wee'd a massive wee on top of the seat.

• 48:59Speaker 03

  Still really hot.

• 49:01Speaker 04

  And I was hot because I'd done it all down the back because I had a hoodie on it had gone all down. So it had gone all onto the seat, splashed back up onto the back of my trousers and my hoodie. So I was covered in wee and it started to snake out of the, from under the, and I did the same thing as you. I was like, someone's gone in there and wee. Like horrified, like really.

• 49:22Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 49:23Speaker 04

  And people were getting on Ipswich and I was like, avoid that, avoid that toilet.

• 49:27Speaker 03

  That is, oh my god. Yeah, but that was accidental. Yours was to the bird.

• 49:31Speaker 04

  Yeah, mine was completely accidental.

• 49:32Speaker 03

  That's totally accidental. That's fine.

• 49:34Speaker 04

  The other thing where it's pitch black and an accident happens to me, it's quite weird, isn't it?

• 49:38Speaker 03

  So there's a pattern here?

• 49:39Speaker 04

  Yeah, there is. I shouldn't enter dark rooms and wee or walk fast.

• 49:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:45Speaker 02

  Every night, I bet you wish you'd had Ellis's underpants while you're there. You could have mopped it all up.

• 49:48Speaker 04

  Oh, that's happening. Implanted under my skin, but with a zip that I could get them out.

• 49:52Speaker 03

  Right, we're going.

• 49:55Speaker 02

  That's great. Izzy's been wonderful. Thank you so much for coming on.

• 49:58Speaker 04

  Thank you so much.

• 49:59Speaker 02

  You've been amazing. Thank you.

• 50:00Speaker 03

  Thank you. Oh, that was so much fun.

• 50:01Speaker 02

  Brilliant. Perfect guest.

• 50:16Speaker 03

  Starting a business can seem like a daunting task, unless you have a partner like Shopify. They have the tools you need to start and grow your business. From designing a website to marketing to selling and beyond, Shopify can help with everything you need. There's a reason millions of companies like Mattel, Heinz and Allbirds continue to trust and use them. With Shopify on your side, turn your big business idea into... Sign up for your $1 per month trial at Shopify.com/specialoffer.

• 50:44Speaker 00

  Hi, I'm Chandler Garcia. As a picky nurse and global health advocate, I've cared for women and children all over the world. And no matter where I go or how tough the conditions get, I always wear my Figs. These scrubs are lightweight, breathable and super soft, perfect for long shifts in any environment. Wherever my work takes me, Figs helps me show up ready to make a difference while looking and feeling my best. Get 15% off your first order at wearfigs.com with code FIGSRX. That's wearfigs.com code FIGSRX. Does checking your bank statements feel like digging through a dusty attic full of forgotten subscriptions and old free trials?

• 51:24Speaker 00

  Experian can help take the pain out of cancelling by handling it for you. Think of it as Operation Get Your Sanity Back. Over 200 subscriptions are cancelable. So get started in the Experian app and see how much you could save. Results will vary. Not all subscriptions eligible. Savings not guaranteed. Paid membership with connected payment account required. See experian.com for details.