It's lamp season, Chris is a hypocrite, and can we take a minute for Lake Garda?!

The days are getting shorter which means it is officially Lamp Season! This week on the podcast Chris and Rosie report back from their holiday in Lake Garda (not Como) which includes a 'in a villa' update and some questions about a man in a safari suit... Rosie disarms the Chinese take-away alarm, Chris is a victim of karma and their is a Taskmaster themed contribution to the new feature. All of this plus voice notes, beefs and some fabulous QFTP'S! If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch! 📧: [email protected] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Coming up on this week's episode of Shag Marionoid, we are very smug and sensible, aren't we?

• 0:04Speaker 01

  Oh, well done us. The dark mornings are in.

• 0:07Speaker 00

  But it's not that bad.

• 0:08Speaker 01

  Not yet.

• 0:09Speaker 00

  We've been to a wedding in Italy and you'll hear all about that.

• 0:11Speaker 01

  Buongiorno. Ciao. Grazie.

• 0:13Speaker 00

  Et cetera.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  We have got beefs and lovely questions from you gorgeous lot.

• 0:19Speaker 00

  Enjoy.

• 0:21Speaker 02

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• 0:51Speaker 01

  Hello, you are listening to and possibly watching Shag Marionoid with me, Rosie Ramsey and my husband, Christopher Ramsey.

• 0:57Speaker 00

  Hello, hello. Hope you're all well. Hope you're having a lovely little time. I am, this is, we've just started to record this podcast and we now on the records, we'll name them for the, the date that they're going to come out.

• 1:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:09Speaker 00

  And this is 2nd of October. I think it's the perfect time to tell you, I had my first this morning, getting up and turning on all of the lamps that I'd turned off when I went to bed.

• 1:18Speaker 01

  Oh no, no.

• 1:21Speaker 00

  Honestly, it was actually all right. It was actually.

• 1:24Speaker 01

  No, no. It always, it always is for the first month, you go, oh, cozy. Oh, lovely. Mid-November.

• 1:34Speaker 00

  Sick as fuck. Yeah. It was, yeah. I mean, Rafe got up astonishingly early this morning. I don't know why. But yeah, it was.

• 1:41Speaker 01

  Yeah. I don't know why he did that.

• 1:43Speaker 00

  I just like logged it. I was like, this is the first, and it's still September, but as we record this, but I was like, this is me first one. This is me first, oh, Groundhog Day. I've just fucking turned these off. Bang, bang, bang. Yeah.

• 1:55Speaker 01

  Listen, I not have a bad word against lamps though. I do love lamp season. I do love lamp season.

• 2:00Speaker 00

  Lamp, lamp season.

• 2:03Speaker 01

  It fully is lamp season, isn't it?

• 2:05Speaker 00

  Lamp season.

• 2:06Speaker 01

  I do, I love it. We have not been into that garage. Oh God, I know. I'm sorry. I don't want to trigger you.

• 2:12Speaker 00

  I'm dreading it, you know. I'm dreading it. Like, I'm just, I'm dreading like,

• 2:17Speaker 00

  every time I turn a light on, I'm like, is this going to trip? The, the, the, what do you call it? The fuse box? And am I going to have to climb over?

• 2:25Speaker 01

  I know.

• 2:25Speaker 00

  Fucking 14 gigantic fucking boxes and stuff.

• 2:29Speaker 01

  Chris, I genuinely haven't got time to sort it out. There's no time. You're on tour. I'm starting this filming today. I'm literally leaving at 3 o'clock.

• 2:36Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 2:36Speaker 01

  And I, I, there's no time. The kids, we have to do stuff with the kids on the weekend, obviously.

• 2:42Speaker 00

  Of course, you can't, yeah.

• 2:44Speaker 01

  I was sat yesterday at the marine park. No, sorry. I was at the skate park with my friends. We were chatting and the kids were there and I was just in the head going, I've got so much to do. You know, in the back of your mind, when you're like, I should be, I should be emptying that garage. I've got, I'm just, there's no time.

• 2:58Speaker 00

  I know exactly. I mean, sometimes I'll sit and the kids like racing the soft play or like yesterday, Rob was playing on it. I took the scooter park with his mate. And I'm literally going through lists on my phones and I'm like, there are so many things I could be doing, but I've got to be sitting here. But it is, it's just being, it's being a parent of young children. Everyone, like so many people out there who listen are in the same situation as us.

• 3:16Speaker 01

  And we're good parents.

• 3:17Speaker 00

  Yes, but it's busy doing nothing. It's almost the same as like when you're, like, again, I talk about when I filmed Heaven, when you film a sitcom, there's so much downtime where you've got to be there, but you have fuck all to do. And you're like, there's loads of things I need to do.

• 3:29Speaker 01

  That is being a parent, isn't it?

• 3:30Speaker 00

  It's basically the same. It's basically the same thing. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Hurry up and wait there.

• 3:36Speaker 01

  It actually is. But then everyone keeps saying you'll miss it and we will, we will.

• 3:40Speaker 00

  You, you sent us another thing yesterday. I got crying, a thing of when we're 80, we'll drive past the house that where they grew up in and we'll look at the house and it'll, oh.

• 3:49Speaker 01

  We will.

• 3:49Speaker 00

  We'll look at, what was it? It was like, eh, you will look in the backseat of the car and realise there isn't any kids, seats and mess there. And I was like, God fucking damn it. Like, yeah, started crying immediately.

• 4:00Speaker 01

  I know we will.

• 4:01Speaker 00

  And then I was like, put my phone down and I was like, right. And then, you know, I was shouting at them 10 minutes later. But for that 10 minutes, I was a great dad.

• 4:11Speaker 00

  The best. Guys, if you're, if you're listening, thank you. If you're watching, thank you very much. It's always a pleasure to have you here. I really do appreciate it. And without further ado, it's time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is the feeling of smugness. And I'm putting it in this voice. This is like the Marks and Spencer's advert. This feeling of smugness you get when you are travelling back from a trip with friends and you are at the airport and you are fresh, refreshed and slept, well slept, and everyone else is hanging out the fucking house. Oh, congratulations. Congratulations.

• 4:50Speaker 01

  Well done us. I mean, we were the oldest of the.

• 4:53Speaker 00

  Not by that much, by like five years.

• 4:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, but no, longer than that, about seven. I feel like we have learnt. We've done that. I've done that. I've been at the airport hanging.

• 5:03Speaker 00

  It's the worst.

• 5:04Speaker 01

  It's not enjoyable.

• 5:06Speaker 00

  Even on stag do's now, which as we all know, I hate, and I'm sick of it. I'm not going on anymore unless it's golf. I'm coming back, like lying on the floor in the airport, like everyone just gutted, like, you know, looking like, looking like you've been delayed for three days when you actually have only been there half an hour, but you are lying on the floor because you were fucking staid.

• 5:24Speaker 01

  Home alone trying to get home.

• 5:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I still, I won't do that anymore. I still, I can't. It's not what, I don't care. There is no night out on the final night of a holiday that can be good enough to make me want to feel like that in an airport the next day.

• 5:40Speaker 01

  I totally agree.

• 5:41Speaker 00

  Airports are a hangover. Just being in an airport, travelling feels like you're hungover anyway. So with a hangover as well, sadly it doesn't cancel it out, it just makes it worse.

• 5:50Speaker 01

  No.

• 5:51Speaker 00

  Makes it worse. Anyway, we're at a wedding in Italy. More about that.

• 5:54Speaker 01

  Ooh.

• 6:16Speaker 01

  Buongiorno. Welcome back to this week's episode of Shag Marionoid. Chris and I went to the wedding in Italy and genuinely, it was one of the best days of my life.

• 6:24Speaker 00

  It was, it was astonishing.

• 6:26Speaker 01

  Best wedding I've ever been to. Sorry, everybody whose wedding I've been to.

• 6:31Speaker 00

  Tell you what, I've heard a lot of people about, bang on, about Lake Garda. A lot of, lot of, lot of hype. Lived up to the hype.

• 6:37Speaker 01

  Oh, do you know what's irritating? Just going to put this out there. This is just me getting irritated by social media again. You know, because I put out on socials that I went to Lake Garda.

• 6:48Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 6:48Speaker 01

  Right. Why does everyone do this? Lake Como's better.

• 6:54Speaker 01

  Okay. Well, I've just discovered Lake Garda, so let me just, let's have a minute for Lake Garda. Why do people do that though?

• 7:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:01Speaker 01

  Like, oh, I went, I went to, eh, Coss, Crete, much better.

• 7:07Speaker 00

  I'll just, I'll just jump in my time machine and un-go to that place, shall I?

• 7:10Speaker 01

  Why do people do that though?

• 7:12Speaker 00

  Oh, I can't bear it.

• 7:13Speaker 01

  Loved, loved Lake Garda. It was absolutely sensitive. Look, Lake, Lake Como's better.

• 7:17Speaker 00

  Brilliant.

• 7:18Speaker 01

  Fuck me. All right.

• 7:20Speaker 00

  Is that in Italy as well?

• 7:21Speaker 01

  It's the other lake.

• 7:23Speaker 00

  There's two.

• 7:23Speaker 01

  There's two lakes.

• 7:24Speaker 00

  Good grief. And a sea all the way around it.

• 7:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, apparently, but apparently Lake Como is much better than Lake Garda. Honest to God, come on, just, come, put your, put the brakes on guys.

• 7:35Speaker 00

  Can they all be nice? Can they all be nice? Is that all right?

• 7:37Speaker 01

  They are all nice, but like, it's just, I don't know why people have to say that.

• 7:40Speaker 00

  I know what you mean. Yeah.

• 7:41Speaker 01

  It's, why does your brain go to that?

• 7:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:44Speaker 01

  Straight away. I've been to both and this one's better. Right. Okay. Well, I haven't had the chance to do that yet.

• 7:50Speaker 00

  Where, where, where you been? Lake Garda? Fuck Lake Garda and fuck anyone who likes it. We're the Lake Como gang.

• 7:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's like, it just blows my mind. And it wasn't just one or two.

• 8:01Speaker 00

  No. Really?

• 8:02Speaker 01

  Oh, so many, like so many.

• 8:04Speaker 00

  I'll be honest with you, I'm starting to, starting to believe it might be better.

• 8:08Speaker 01

  Starting to feel gypped actually.

• 8:11Speaker 00

  Quickly ring me mate. Hi mate, you all right? Eh, eh, why did you get married at the shit lake? Why am I here? Why am I here on Instagram telling everyone I went to wedding in Lake Garda and everyone's saying there's a better one? But you got married at the shit one. What's your fucking problem like?

• 8:23Speaker 01

  Do you even know Chris at all? He has to go to the best bit.

• 8:26Speaker 00

  Do I have to be the best at everything I do? Fuck's wrong with you? Why? Why are you putting us through this?

• 8:32Speaker 01

  Well, if, I'm like.

• 8:34Speaker 00

  Imagine I sent him that voice.

• 8:36Speaker 01

  Wow, I'm still here actually. If, I mean, if, if Lake Como is, Lake Como must be on crack.

• 8:44Speaker 00

  I mean, yeah.

• 8:44Speaker 01

  In a really, in a mint way. Because crack is good, isn't it?

• 8:47Speaker 00

  Apparently it's great. That's, that's the main problem with it apparently.

• 8:51Speaker 01

  It's too good.

• 8:52Speaker 00

  Good of anything. Um, well, yeah. Well, okay. Well, all right.

• 8:56Speaker 01

  It was, Chris, it was absolutely lush.

• 9:00Speaker 00

  Everything about it was stunning.

• 9:01Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. I went to Verona in the summer, didn't I, with Kate and my mum? And this was like a little mini Verona. It was just stunning.

• 9:07Speaker 00

  Rome's better.

• 9:08Speaker 01

  Oh, well.

• 9:09Speaker 00

  That's what I've heard. I've never been to either. Um, it was just, honestly, I've never been a, a, a, a Italy guy. It's just something I've never done. I've only been twice and this was one of the times.

• 9:19Speaker 01

  I was a fan of pizza. I was really surprised at that.

• 9:21Speaker 00

  Pizza, over five yards. I've never seen it. Remember, we walked around, every, guys, every restaurant was a pizzeria. I could have wept.

• 9:28Speaker 01

  A pizza what?

• 9:29Speaker 00

  Did I say it wrong?

• 9:30Speaker 01

  You said pizzeria?

• 9:31Speaker 00

  Pizzeria?

• 9:32Speaker 01

  Pizzeria?

• 9:33Speaker 00

  Pizzeria. Oh, fuck.

• 9:35Speaker 01

  Oh, God. Little Como won't let me in. Can't even say pizzeria.

• 9:40Speaker 00

  Is it pizzeria? Have you seen pizzeria?

• 9:42Speaker 01

  No, you haven't.

• 9:43Speaker 00

  I think I have, you know?

• 9:44Speaker 01

  You do not say pizzeria.

• 9:46Speaker 00

  Hmm, I think it's fifty fifty, depending on which one I fancy. I'm sure I said pizzeria.

• 9:50Speaker 01

  Oh, God, that's embarrassing.

• 9:52Speaker 00

  Fucking hell, man.

• 9:54Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 9:54Speaker 00

  Right, gotta make some calls afterwards.

• 9:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, I was severely hungover and wanted to just stay at the hotel for dinner. And you made us, you made us go out, made me get ready and go out to go to a pizzeria.

• 10:05Speaker 00

  Pizzerias, yeah. Everything about it though, like, we were, we were walking down the street and none walked towards us. We were on a little walk and none walked towards us. Guys, just a little old lady, a nun, immaculately dressed, she walked along. She looked at us, massive smile and went, buongiorno. I started crying.

• 10:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, and you're not even religious.

• 10:24Speaker 00

  I was just like, that's one of the most incredible things. About a hundred yards down the road, walked past a workman, uh, whistling. Just like a workman, best whistler I've ever heard in my life.

• 10:34Speaker 01

  It was like something out of a Disney, an Italian Disney.

• 10:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was fucking amazing. I turned, you know, I was like, even the whistling of a, of a, of a random workman over here is operatic.

• 10:43Speaker 01

  I know. Architecture was gorgeous. Everything was lovely. So, yeah, we had a lovely time. Not mad, the bit we went to as well, I was telling my auntie Kath this, not mad expensive either.

• 10:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:53Speaker 01

  That, uh, that pasta I got, that, that fruity, no, fruity de mer.

• 10:58Speaker 00

  Hmm. Are we just gonna say stuff wrong this entire, guys, apologies, we're gonna say, we're gonna, we're gonna north east fuck up a load of beautiful Italian words in this episode. Get on board with it.

• 11:08Speaker 01

  That seafood pasta I got, it was about eleven euro, I think, twelve euro.

• 11:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:13Speaker 01

  But, and I was like, this is actually not crazy. But we were in the, like, the north east, next to Salo, Salo?

• 11:20Speaker 00

  Salo was a good, yeah.

• 11:21Speaker 01

  Garden Riviera. Um, and it, yeah, it was, it was decent. You know, when you're like, this isn't mad expensive, like what it is when you go to the Verona's.

• 11:29Speaker 00

  Bloody little Como's a bloody pretty penny, yeah. But, uh, yeah, so we, the final night, we didn't drink at all, but the other two nights, we did. I find that we kinda did. Well, we.

• 11:39Speaker 01

  I definitely sank a bottle of wine during the day. We drank, we drank a lot.

• 11:44Speaker 00

  We did day drinking. And we went back to the room early and two nights on the belt, everyone. Two nights on the belt, we watched the same eleven minutes of Slow Horses, uh, of the New York sort of Slow Horses. And then we came back and had to watch it again when we got home, because I was like, I don't know what the fuck happened.

• 12:01Speaker 01

  I had no idea.

• 12:02Speaker 00

  I let my mate Lenny Rush, I was like, Lenny's in, I was like, I saw him, he's in the episode, Rosie, I can't remember where he is, but he's briefly in the first episode. And I know I'd seen him. And every time I watched, I went, hi, it's Lenny.

• 12:13Speaker 01

  That hasn't happened for a long time.

• 12:14Speaker 00

  That must be what it's like to be a goldfish. Just same, watching the same eleven minutes going, fucking great, this. What a show.

• 12:23Speaker 01

  That was tragic. I mean, we were in bed for like quarter to ten.

• 12:26Speaker 00

  Well, can you remember the morning of the wedding? We woke up and we were both gutted because we were, it was, it looked so cloudy and dark. And we lay in bed going, oh, bless them. Guys, bless them, it's so cloudy.

• 12:37Speaker 01

  Should have let Como.

• 12:38Speaker 00

  We looked on the app and we're like, it's clouds? It says it's clouds today. Eh, that's the problem. This is an exact quote from me. That's the problem. You put all your eggs in one basket when you go on holiday and if the weather's not nice, it ruins it. Because it was dark, wasn't it?

• 12:51Speaker 01

  It was dark. It was really dark.

• 12:53Speaker 00

  Tell everyone what was wrong?

• 12:54Speaker 01

  The shutters were shut.

• 12:55Speaker 00

  We had the shutters, we had the shutters on that.

• 12:58Speaker 01

  We forgot.

• 12:59Speaker 00

  Blazing fucking sunshine.

• 13:04Speaker 00

  Oh, my God. Like, open the shelves, I went, ah, it was so bright.

• 13:08Speaker 01

  Hate, I hated it with them. I hated it with that second. That was really bad.

• 13:11Speaker 00

  Just a couple of morons. Couple of morons.

• 13:14Speaker 01

  But no, it was absolutely stunning. Thank you so much, Richard and Alex. And, uh, it was really, a really special day.

• 13:19Speaker 00

  It was lovely.

• 13:20Speaker 01

  Chelsea of Inevila fame.

• 13:22Speaker 00

  Oh, I've got an Inevila update.

• 13:24Speaker 01

  Oh, all right, okay.

• 13:25Speaker 00

  Because we went with Chelsea.

• 13:26Speaker 01

  I've got something to tell you as well. Poor Chelsea. I, I found out something, but you tell me yours first.

• 13:30Speaker 00

  No, no, come on, you tell her and I'll give her the update. So, well, first I'll tell everyone. It was when Rosie went on a, on a hen do. And, uh, Chelsea was walking through, wasn't it? Just for anyone who doesn't know.

• 13:39Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 13:40Speaker 00

  She was going through passport control?

• 13:42Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 13:42Speaker 00

  And the guy was like, hello, my darling, where are you staying? And she went, put her head under the, under the bit of glass and went, Inevila! And he, he immediately, I think his dick went back in his body, didn't it? If I remember rightly.

• 13:57Speaker 01

  I think he remembered, oh, I don't like these English girls.

• 14:01Speaker 01

  And this is why. He wasn't French, he was actually Portuguese. Obrigada. Um, okay, so, an update, which I found out. And I did say, please can I write this down for the podcast? Um, on her wedding, you didn't go to their wedding?

• 14:16Speaker 00

  No, I was working.

• 14:17Speaker 01

  You were working, but it was a gorgeous wedding. Um, I didn't realise that the master of ceremonies who worked at the venue, um, throughout the day, must have, must have recognised that Chelsea enjoys a drink.

• 14:29Speaker 00

  Right.

• 14:29Speaker 01

  Okay, as we all do, you know, you all enjoy drink. And actually, um, as a person yourself who got far too drunk at his own wedding.

• 14:37Speaker 00

  Yes, thank you.

• 14:39Speaker 01

  This should have happened to you. So the master of ceremonies forced Chelsea to have a glass of water every hour. And he made the bar staff watch her down this glass of water.

• 14:53Speaker 00

  That's, I didn't know this. That's amazing.

• 14:56Speaker 01

  She said, she was like, she's like, oh, yeah, and then the bar staff had to watch while I downed the glass of water.

• 15:01Speaker 00

  That's, that's like reverse peer pressure. Or is it like, it's the best peer pressure ever?

• 15:06Speaker 01

  Do you know what, though?

• 15:07Speaker 00

  Hydrate.

• 15:07Speaker 01

  She was great.

• 15:08Speaker 00

  Fantastic.

• 15:10Speaker 01

  And she said she was like, the next day, didn't even have that much of a hangover.

• 15:13Speaker 00

  He knew who he was dealing with. That's amazing.

• 15:16Speaker 01

  How did he know? I feel like Matty, mate.

• 15:19Speaker 00

  I think, I think her husband was, yeah, I think I was all down to Matty.

• 15:22Speaker 01

  Do you think?

• 15:22Speaker 00

  Mate, yes, when you quit, make sure this fucking nutter has a drink of water every hour on the hour. Bits of bread and that, like a duck.

• 15:31Speaker 01

  But it was just the bar staff having to watch her down. It'd be like, right, okay, come on.

• 15:35Speaker 00

  Now we'll serve you another drink, once you've downed your water.

• 15:37Speaker 01

  Congratulations, fucking down your water.

• 15:38Speaker 00

  Put the glass over your head upside down. Is it empty? It's empty. Right, go on, you can have a wine.

• 15:42Speaker 01

  It's brilliant.

• 15:42Speaker 00

  So, update on, on, uh, on Inevila. She came out with another absolute corker. Now bless her, again, sorry, because I know when we did Inevila, she said she got loads of text messages off people saying, is this you? So, we were with, um, there was like the, the, the, the, the Kalani Ghost Hunter, if anyone knows who that guy is.

• 16:00Speaker 01

  He's, he's big online. He's on TikTok and Instagram and he, um, him and his partner do videos where they go around the world. Uh, he's a food blogger, basically. Lovely couple.

• 16:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, and he's, uh, they're, they're from Nashville, Tennessee. He's, uh, famously Carl Hutchinson watched him once, him and his dad eating a sausage and bean melt, I think, outside of Greg's. And they're like, oh my God. Anyway, so I had to write this down. We were sitting next to them at the wedding. And, uh, we were like, asked, Chelsea, we, Chelsea were talking to them and we were all just saying different things. And this, we, Chelsea went, right, where like specifically are you from in America? And, uh, and they said, they said, uh, we're from Nashville, Tennessee. And Chelsea went, oh, oh, Nashville, Tennessee, right, right. Can I ask you something? And they went, yeah? She went, is it, is it mint?

• 16:53Speaker 00

  It just looked so fucking confused.

• 16:56Speaker 01

  Mint?

• 16:58Speaker 00

  Look like, is, oh my God, is it mint?

• 17:04Speaker 00

  Because it sounds amazing, Nashville, Tennessee. It's, you know, it's, it's a very, they're very famous two words, if you know, you've seen that, everyone knows exactly where it is. You know exactly, you know, cowboy, you have to know what to expect. But, oh, they were so confused.

• 17:15Speaker 01

  Is it mint?

• 17:16Speaker 00

  I think they just changed the subject.

• 17:19Speaker 03

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• 17:52Speaker 00

  Now, one thing that has been haunting me since we got back from the wedding in Italy. And I, it was something I saw in the airport and on the plane. It was a man that I saw.

• 18:06Speaker 01

  Right.

• 18:06Speaker 00

  No offence if you know this man, or you are this man.

• 18:10Speaker 01

  Is it the Freddy Krueger man?

• 18:11Speaker 00

  No, no. I said that was on the day of the wedding, someone was dressed like Freddy Krueger. Like, like seriously, like we went to a bar beforehand, everyone, and this guy was sitting down, brown trousers, red and brown striped jumper.

• 18:24Speaker 01

  Like the diamante, like, like, he has it like, take a diamante, like a jumper, innit? The red and burgundy. Look, like the burgundy and the brown, yeah.

• 18:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, but it's like hooped, innit? It was hooped striped, a bit like Dennis the Menace's top.

• 18:38Speaker 01

  Yes, sorry, yeah. Yeah, stripy, that's what I meant.

• 18:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, hoop striped, red and brown, and the Freddy Krueger hat. And he was just sitting there.

• 18:46Speaker 01

  With people who are dressed normal. I don't think it was like a Halloween costume.

• 18:49Speaker 00

  No, it wasn't, but I went, everyone, I went, is Freddy Krueger coming to the wedding? Quietly, I wasn't being an asshole, but I was like, is Freddy Krueger coming? And no one, everyone was like, no salad. And I'm like, fuck this fucking guy, he's in exactly.

• 19:00Speaker 01

  I got it.

• 19:01Speaker 00

  That would be, I mean, it was one step shy of me going to a restaurant with the gas mask on my head and a full yellow zip-up thing with a hood on it, and then people going, oh, Britain Bar, and me going, what?

• 19:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:11Speaker 00

  Britain what? What are you talking about? So fucking hell. Anyway, obviously I didn't say anything to the guy, I'm not a dick. And I also didn't say anything to this guy who I'm talking about, who was on our plane, who was in the airport. Again, no offence to him if you are this guy, but this man was in full safari gear.

• 19:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:27Speaker 00

  Full safari gear.

• 19:28Speaker 01

  Right.

• 19:29Speaker 00

  Boots, khaki shorts, safari shirt, like a fucking, one of them, like, like a hat, like a safari hat, everything safari. And he had a bandage on his hand. And I just remember thinking, is it rude if I go? Did you get attacked?

• 19:47Speaker 01

  Oh, you think you got attacked by like?

• 19:48Speaker 00

  He was in full fucking safari gear with a bandage.

• 19:51Speaker 01

  Why, this would really upset you. You kept mentioning.

• 19:54Speaker 00

  I was like, I need to ask. I need, like, no disrespect, nothing horrible here, I just wanted to know, look, have you been on some kind of safari and is that where you got injured and can you tell me what happened?

• 20:05Speaker 01

  No, I hate to tell you, I think he's following a certain trend, a fashion, that, you know, it's come about in the boomer era. Looked, my dad dresses a bit like that.

• 20:17Speaker 00

  Right, but this was full on.

• 20:19Speaker 01

  I mean, this was a bit more intense, but yeah, I don't, where's a safari next to Lake Garda? Don't tell me it's in Lake Como.

• 20:25Speaker 00

  I bet you fucking is. I went to Lake Garda, hasn't even got a safari. How many giraffes are in Lake Garda? Fucking dog shit.

• 20:34Speaker 01

  I know, I think, I think he was just dressing like that. I think that was just his crack.

• 20:39Speaker 00

  Fair enough.

• 20:39Speaker 01

  Like an old bounty hunter.

• 20:41Speaker 00

  Thought he looked great, thought he looked great, but it was very Steve Irwin and I was just, just wish I'd said something. But I didn't, I couldn't find the right moment.

• 20:48Speaker 01

  Well, I'm gonna help you, I'm gonna tell you, the bandage is a burn. He's burnt himself.

• 20:51Speaker 00

  He's just burnt himself.

• 20:52Speaker 01

  He was making his morning cup of tea in his room.

• 20:55Speaker 00

  How, how's he done that? What was he made of?

• 20:56Speaker 01

  With a kettle.

• 20:57Speaker 00

  He's just spilled them.

• 20:58Speaker 01

  He's just spilled water on him.

• 21:01Speaker 00

  I'll pretend that I'm okay with that. Yeah, fine, fine, yeah.

• 21:03Speaker 01

  You should have asked him. You can't live like this.

• 21:06Speaker 00

  I'm gonna develop a twitch.

• 21:06Speaker 01

  Oh, you can't, you should have just said, what have you done to your arm?

• 21:12Speaker 01

  Mate.

• 21:13Speaker 00

  Mate?

• 21:14Speaker 01

  Mate.

• 21:17Speaker 00

  It's time for what's your beef?

• 21:19Speaker 01

  What's your beef? What's your beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef, it is beef, beef, beef.

• 21:23Speaker 00

  Now, listen, we had some lovely days in Italy without the children. We had a lovely time. So, again, I hate to overregga the pudding, repeat myself here and sound like a broken record, but I can't imagine you have any issue with me whatsoever, because I am a delight.

• 21:37Speaker 01

  This isn't an Italy-based beef. You are great. Honestly, you are, no, and like, I know we say this quite a lot and I know it's, it's like a proper privileged position, because obviously, you know, it was an expense to go to the wedding in Italy, but I genuinely think, even if you're not in that situation in life, just hiring, like, going to a B and B or like a travel lodge or just something.

• 22:02Speaker 00

  A little night away.

• 22:03Speaker 01

  Just a night away without your children to remind yourself, like, why you got married in the first place. Take yourself out of the home situation environment. It's so healthy. We, I think we genuinely needed that.

• 22:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:20Speaker 01

  Do you remember, we're just walking around and we sat for a coffee and didn't speak and we didn't, like, I didn't have to play double with anyone and I didn't have to like wipe, I didn't have to wipe faces, didn't have to like make sure that people were going to the toilet and it just like, make sure no one fell in a lake.

• 22:37Speaker 00

  No one but an eyelid that I was sitting there with food all over my face paying double on my own.

• 22:40Speaker 01

  No one cares. And I'm not, oh god, I feel, I feel so bad because obviously those are the things that I cherish doing with the kids, but, you know, sometimes you forget who you are, like genuinely. You forget who you are and you forget that we're actually a married couple who fell in love before kids and used to do all of these things.

• 22:58Speaker 00

  Don't tell them.

• 22:58Speaker 01

  No, I know, but it was, it was, honestly, I mean, one bit of advice for like, if somebody says, I don't know, how are you going to, because sometimes we spend time together without the kids and it's really, really fucking healthy. Anyway.

• 23:10Speaker 00

  But that's not to say that we don't love our time with our children. I was so excited to come back and I've been, you know, I've been with them non-stop since we got back, it's, you know.

• 23:17Speaker 01

  Obviously, but.

• 23:18Speaker 00

  It's all about balance, I think.

• 23:19Speaker 01

  It is.

• 23:19Speaker 00

  And just a little one now and then, like you say, to remember who you were.

• 23:22Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 23:23Speaker 00

  Now, why do you hate us in this moment? Now, what have I done to fuck you off?

• 23:26Speaker 01

  This isn't to do with Italy, because we had a lovely time and, you know, it was all great. My beef with you is, you're on tour currently.

• 23:34Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 23:34Speaker 01

  Which is great.

• 23:35Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 23:36Speaker 01

  But it's hard work.

• 23:37Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 23:38Speaker 01

  And it's tiring.

• 23:39Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 23:39Speaker 01

  And you keep playing golf during the day. You keep playing golf for hours, walking miles with your stupid bag on your back because you're trying to burn calories, which is, you know, very commendable, but also you're fucking shattered and you need to stop.

• 23:56Speaker 01

  And you need to like recoup and just breathe.

• 23:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:59Speaker 01

  Because you're playing too much golf. Because you're a very obsessive person.

• 24:06Speaker 01

  But it's not good for your health, Chris.

• 24:07Speaker 00

  The tone of that was, I don't know if everyone's ever told you this, Chris, but you're a very obsessive person.

• 24:11Speaker 01

  And currently, you're obsessed with golf, which is really great, but actually, when you're on tour, you need to just chill the fuck out, because you came home from tour and you were like, I'm fucking exhausted. And I was like, how about, how about your rest?

• 24:24Speaker 00

  Before me gig in Derby, I played golf during the day in Derby, I fully passed out in the dressing room. I lay down on the sofa and fully just gone 20 minutes, just woke myself up snoring. Yeah, snored myself awake.

• 24:38Speaker 01

  You're not.

• 24:40Speaker 00

  Don't you, don't, don't you dare.

• 24:44Speaker 01

  You're 40.

• 24:46Speaker 00

  I am 40.

• 24:47Speaker 01

  You're 40, like, you're middle, we're middle-aged.

• 24:51Speaker 00

  God, if we're lucky.

• 24:52Speaker 01

  If we're lucky, we are middle-aged, you need to chill the fuck out.

• 24:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:55Speaker 01

  I'm not saying don't play golf, but don't, I play it every fucking day.

• 25:00Speaker 00

  When the weather's nice, you've got a glaff, man.

• 25:01Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 25:02Speaker 00

  Have I not told you that glaff is left?

• 25:04Speaker 01

  Who's glaff?

• 25:05Speaker 00

  Glaff is left?

• 25:06Speaker 01

  Who's glaff?

• 25:08Speaker 00

  Glaff?

• 25:09Speaker 01

  Golf. You call it glaff?

• 25:11Speaker 00

  Golf, yeah, I call it glaff.

• 25:14Speaker 01

  Glaff is left?

• 25:15Speaker 00

  Glaff is left?

• 25:16Speaker 01

  Who's, who's made this up, you?

• 25:20Speaker 00

  And the reason it's so stupid and backward and doesn't work anyways, because golf and life don't work, so rhyming them doesn't make any sense at all, but I'm a victim here because glaff is left.

• 25:33Speaker 01

  Jesus Christ. Well, I did not know this.

• 25:36Speaker 00

  I'll be honest with you, I think someone mistyped it in a text like once, maybe last year, and since then, it's just been glaff.

• 25:48Speaker 01

  Oh, hey, I tell you what, just gotta do what we gotta do.

• 25:52Speaker 00

  I enjoy myself, though, don't I? Glaff is left. Yeah, at this point, like I say, the tour is basically a golf trip with a few shows on a night. That's basically what it is, just until the weather goes shit and then I'll roll straight back in a jitsu and I'll be tired about that during the day, so.

• 26:05Speaker 01

  Literally rolling straight into that fucking yawn, aren't you?

• 26:08Speaker 00

  I am, yeah. Right, so, okay, I take your points, thank you, and I'm gonna ignore them. But thanks for, thanks for your input.

• 26:18Speaker 01

  What did I do in Italy that pissed you off then?

• 26:19Speaker 00

  You did nothing in Italy that pisses us off. You were dreaming in Italy and you looked gorgeous and I was lucky to have you by my side in such a beautiful place.

• 26:25Speaker 01

  Oh god. Oh, get.

• 26:29Speaker 00

  I just, I just wish it'd been Lake Como, because it sounds so weird.

• 26:34Speaker 00

  Check your privilege, Lake Como. You, you've done this for years. When I'm, when we're both going to bed and the dishwasher needs emptied and refilled and there's like dishes all over the bench and stuff, I say, I'm just gonna quickly do these. And you go, no, don't, don't, just go to bed for god's sake. And I go, no, I need you to do these, because otherwise, my exact words the other day were, I'll come down and there'll be dishes everywhere and I'll be able to do breakfast for the kids, because there'll be dishes and it'll do me head in. You said, I'll get up and do them. And I went, okay. And as we both walk upstairs, I just, I know, I think, she's never gonna.

• 27:08Speaker 01

  When was this?

• 27:09Speaker 00

  Just the other day. But I'm like, she's never gonna. So I get up, I got up in the morning and obviously I would never be like cheeking you up going, get up and do them dishes. So I just do them myself. Do you know what it is?

• 27:20Speaker 01

  Instead of getting up and doing them, you just wait till they get on the public platform.

• 27:24Speaker 00

  I think the beef is, the beef is with myself. I should not believe you and I should just do them dishes on the night. I think that, I think the beef is with myself for being a fool, a goddamn fool and letting you fool me. Fooled me once, shame on you. Fooled me twice, shame on me.

• 27:40Speaker 01

  But there's, there's always, this happens all the time, because you do use a lot of dishes.

• 27:44Speaker 00

  Wow, you turned back around on me.

• 27:47Speaker 01

  We had this argument the other day when me Judas mother had your back, but you'd used loads of dishes. Because when I'm here on my own with the kids, there's no dishes.

• 27:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:58Speaker 01

  I do like eating out with Tupperware.

• 27:59Speaker 00

  Yes. You eat out with Tupperware, your mum eats with just little plastic spoons and things, that dishwasher doesn't know what's going on. Doesn't know what's going on. We're running low on Tupperware by the day, we need to do a big Chinese order soon, so we can refill that Tupperware.

• 28:11Speaker 01

  Well, we didn't get one the other day.

• 28:13Speaker 00

  No, we didn't.

• 28:13Speaker 01

  So I got the guilt.

• 28:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:15Speaker 01

  Got the goddamn, got the goddamn guilt.

• 28:17Speaker 00

  Actually, no, that, yeah, that, no, that should have been my beef, actually. We're getting a curry tonight. Yeah, we're getting a curry tonight, or a Chinese here, or a Chinese. I got in, you went, I've roasted a chicken, we're having chicken and veg. I went, okay.

• 28:26Speaker 01

  I know. I'm filming this week.

• 28:28Speaker 00

  But it was unreal.

• 28:28Speaker 01

  I know.

• 28:29Speaker 00

  And you're home in mac and cheese, mate.

• 28:32Speaker 00

  Where's that been all my fucking life, eh? Why you just started doing that now?

• 28:35Speaker 01

  Sorry. Thank you. I appreciate that. Yeah, we are due a Chinese. I haven't had one for months.

• 28:41Speaker 00

  Yep. Well, if you haven't had one for months, you'd be due multiple.

• 28:46Speaker 01

  No, I've quit my alarm. Well, do you know what it is, Chris? Because I chose this life, chose this life of being recorded. And I'm stupid, stupid fucking me, wanted to be on the goddamn telly and now I'm on the goddamn telly. I can't get Chinese every week, because then I say me treble chin and I go, oh god.

• 29:05Speaker 00

  But as well, though, you don't want your phone telling you, that takes all the fun out of a Chinese. You've got to have your Chinese. Oh, I don't want any more because you're telling us what to do. Maybe put it in for every day and you'll never want one.

• 29:16Speaker 01

  I mean, I would.

• 29:19Speaker 01

  I would.

• 29:21Speaker 00

  It's time for questions from the public.

• 29:27Speaker 00

  Public. As always, if you want to get in touch, [email protected] for the email and the numbers on the thing. I'm not fucking reading it out.

• 29:34Speaker 01

  Oh my god, lazy. This is a voice note that Daisy has sent us and it's called Chris is a hypocrite.

• 29:39Speaker 00

  Uh, I'm, I, I agree. I already agree. I'm a massive hypocrite.

• 29:43Speaker 01

  I just don't know, I don't know what it's about, so let's have a listen.

• 29:46Speaker 00

  Come on then, I'm ready, I'm ready.

• 29:47Speaker 01

  Let's start it again because obviously I'm shit with technology.

• 29:49Speaker 00

  I've, can I just try and guess maybe? I've slagged something off and now I'm well on board with it. Sea, massive water containers, cold plunges. Um, yeah, come on then.

• 30:01Speaker 01

  Possibly, we'll see. Okay, ready?

• 30:04Speaker 04

  Hi guys, I'd just like to quickly address the fact that Chris is a colossal hypocrite about being farted on in the face. Years ago, when you were on holiday, Chris attempted to fart on your son's face whilst going up a set of steps. Only to find that when he turned around, it was a child that he had never met before.

• 30:25Speaker 00

  I remember that!

• 30:26Speaker 04

  You are a victim of karma. What goes around comes around. Have a nice day.

• 30:33Speaker 01

  Yes, yes. I'd completely forgot about that. Yeah, you were, you're a fucking fierce farter.

• 30:39Speaker 00

  Bang, bang, two rights. That guy has, do you know what? He's dealt me a gun there.

• 30:45Speaker 01

  Do you know, guys, he's no too much. Have you mentioned that on the podcast?

• 30:50Speaker 00

  Obviously.

• 30:50Speaker 01

  I thought it was his kid. I was like, oh my god, it's the, it's the kid, it's the kid.

• 30:55Speaker 00

  My child had an eye infection. Uh, why Chris was going up those stairs, be asked, I will never know.

• 31:01Speaker 01

  He is now, but.

• 31:07Speaker 00

  Fuck me. Right, yeah, no, bang to rights. Yeah, I, I, I fully, I fully apologise. Um, amazing. I've got, mate, I need you in me, I need, I need you in me everyday life just to put us back in me lane.

• 31:19Speaker 01

  At least a kid was like up the stairs as well. He was eye level, like, you know.

• 31:23Speaker 00

  At eye level.

• 31:25Speaker 01

  Eye level, hard, hard going. Anyway, like, here's some other stuff. Um, here we go.

• 31:32Speaker 05

  Hi Rosie and Chris. Um, my name's Claire and I'm listening to your podcast just now about the, um, things people say that you still say or that ages ago someone says, whichever we're calling it.

• 31:42Speaker 00

  That's it, word for word, that's it.

• 31:43Speaker 05

  One, which is a Chris Ramsey saying, so my, uh, son and I say this quite a lot when we are surprised and it comes from when Chris was on Taskmaster. And he was doing, um, something where he had to find pairs of shoes, I think it was. Anyway, Chris had to say, and apologies for the Geordie accent, no way. And so now when my son and I, uh, are surprised by anything, we turn to one another and we say, no way. Thought you'd like that one. Love the podcast. Bye.

• 32:13Speaker 01

  Oh, thank you. That's an area.

• 32:15Speaker 00

  So many people.

• 32:16Speaker 01

  No, no way.

• 32:17Speaker 00

  So many people, there's no way.

• 32:19Speaker 01

  I, I can't remember that task. Were you actually meant to say no way every time you found something or was it?

• 32:23Speaker 00

  Every time he answered, I had to say it. I didn't say it on my own. Every time, so it, it was a big, like, uh, this little, well, a wooden church, probably a bit bigger than this room we're in now. And there was shoes everywhere and it was like Alex's shoes are in here somewhere, find Alex's shoes and you can ask him yes or no questions. And whenever he answers, after every question, whatever his answer is, I had to say no way. So everyone had to say a different thing or do a different thing. And mine was, they fucking got us because again, I think I've mentioned this before, I obviously did it a few times and they thought, he fucking says no way like a, like a child. Like, let's make him say it every time.

• 33:02Speaker 01

  You do actually.

• 33:03Speaker 00

  It's not, so now when I say it, I can tell people who've seen Taskmaster, cause I sometimes, I do still, it's actually, and people go, ah, and I go, fuck.

• 33:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:10Speaker 01

  I think I say it quite a lot as well, like, no way.

• 33:13Speaker 00

  No way. Yeah, I get it a lot. I get it a lot. So I'm glad that's part of your life and the ju, the accent was actually fantastic. So well done. Well done. Thank you.

• 33:22Speaker 01

  Every time I hear the Scottish accent, it just reminds me of Lululemon.

• 33:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:25Speaker 01

  Very, ever so slightly.

• 33:26Speaker 00

  Our friend who's very, very slightly Scottish. Yeah.

• 33:29Speaker 01

  Sorry, a bit of useless imagination there.

• 33:31Speaker 00

  And very slightly Scottish sounds weird. She's got, she's got a slight accent, shouldn't I say it?

• 33:36Speaker 01

  She lived there for a bit.

• 33:37Speaker 00

  She's not slightly Scottish. Well done, her DNA. Yeah, turns out you're slightly Scottish. Ah.

• 33:44Speaker 01

  Slightly Scottish. Babadu babadu babadu ba.

• 33:48Speaker 03

  Whenever fall comes back around, it always feels like a fresh start. This year, I've been layering in some styles from the new Lululemon fall drop. Because the weather is shifting and I find I have to be ready for the entire day and not just one part of it. Lululemon's fall line has some really versatile transitional pieces. So I can just wake up, throw on a matching set, add a jacket or a fleece and head out, knowing that I'll feel comfortable enough to go wherever the day takes me. Check out the new fall arrivals in store and online now at lululemon.com.

• 34:19Speaker 01

  Hi Chris and Rosie. Myself and my husband are huge fans of the podcast and I thought I'd share a lovely memory with yous from when I first met my husband Brett.

• 34:29Speaker 00

  Brett.

• 34:30Speaker 01

  Hey Brett.

• 34:31Speaker 00

  Nice one Brett. Hi mate, how's it going? How's it going Brett? You alright mate?

• 34:36Speaker 01

  There is a few Brett's from, there's a few millennial Brett's for sure. I remember I got my Brett's from school.

• 34:42Speaker 00

  Oh, there's a few Brett's at my school. I always thought it was a very cool name.

• 34:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:45Speaker 00

  Very cool.

• 34:46Speaker 01

  I bet, I bet you wish you were a Brett.

• 34:48Speaker 00

  Oh, if I was gonna change it, it would have been Brett like.

• 34:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:50Speaker 00

  I'm sure I've said before, I wanted to change my name to Axel.

• 34:53Speaker 01

  Oh, okay.

• 34:56Speaker 00

  So main character from Streets of Rage and main character from Beverly Hills Cop.

• 34:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, Axel. That was, that, I mean, there'll be Axel's listening.

• 35:02Speaker 00

  Will there?

• 35:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:04Speaker 00

  Axel. Do you think many people actually got Axel?

• 35:07Speaker 01

  I think so.

• 35:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:08Speaker 01

  For sure. And you know what?

• 35:10Speaker 00

  Axel.

• 35:10Speaker 01

  Love yous. Gorgeous name. Chris wanted it.

• 35:14Speaker 00

  I did. Imagine, imagine Axel and Brett go out on the pole together.

• 35:19Speaker 00

  Fucking west roadside anyone.

• 35:20Speaker 01

  Oh, you're well in with them forty year olds.

• 35:23Speaker 00

  Lock up your fucking aunties.

• 35:24Speaker 01

  Axel Ramsey. That's pretty cool actually.

• 35:27Speaker 00

  Axel Ramsey.

• 35:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:28Speaker 00

  Axel Rose, he was the, yeah, that, that's another one as well. Guns and Roses.

• 35:32Speaker 01

  Ready? When my husband and I first met, we'd only been going out for a few weeks when we went shopping at the metro centre. We were in Primark happily browsing when I noticed my new boyfriend kept doing this really irritating thing. He was constantly sniffing his snot back up his nose.

• 35:49Speaker 00

  Right. Yeah.

• 35:51Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 35:51Speaker 00

  I'm guilty of that. I'm guilty of that on this podcast actually, when I start talking too much, I have to lean away from the mic and it's cold in this room.

• 35:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, because we'd only been together a few weeks, right? I thought, right, don't say anything. You don't want to scare the poor bloke off just yet. So just leave, you know.

• 36:07Speaker 00

  I love the idea of.

• 36:08Speaker 01

  Keep it in.

• 36:08Speaker 00

  Log that for maybe the six month period?

• 36:11Speaker 01

  Absolutely. I don't say anything. But eventually I couldn't take it anymore.

• 36:17Speaker 00

  And one day in Primark.

• 36:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, he must've been doing it loads. So while we were on the escalator, I handed him a tissue and politely told him to blow his nose. His response? Oh, diary, I can do this. Now, I genuinely thought he meant he could blow his nose without the tissue. Uh, what I wasn't prepared for was what happened next.

• 36:36Speaker 00

  Don't. Are you gonna say he, no?

• 36:40Speaker 01

  He put one finger over his nostril, took a massive breath and blew as hard as he possibly could. The snot came flying out of his nose and landed directly on my leg.

• 36:53Speaker 00

  Oh god, in a fucking shopping centre?

• 36:57Speaker 01

  Not even, when I first read this, when I first read it, I thought, right, okay, absolutely gross. You're not a footballer on the pitch, uh, mingin'. I thought he did at least have done it like over the escalator.

• 37:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, I thought like he's gonna do it on the floor, but then I'm thinking on the escalator, like, I mean, there's no good, you're in a shopping centre unless you're in a fucking field or out on a run. Or like you say, playing football.

• 37:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:19Speaker 00

  No, no place for that, like.

• 37:21Speaker 01

  Uh, I was absolutely gobsmacked. Shock.

• 37:24Speaker 00

  On our leg.

• 37:25Speaker 01

  I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, run away or pretend I'd never met him. And somehow, despite witnessing that within the first few weeks of our relationship, I thought, yep, this is the man for me. Fast forward to now and I've actually married the man. She married the man who snotted on her at the metro centre.

• 37:41Speaker 00

  So sad.

• 37:41Speaker 01

  Uh, to this day, I still don't understand how I went from please blow your nose to I'll spend the rest of my life with you. Apparently, true love really does mean accepting someone's bodily fluids flying at you on a Primark escalator. It was in Primark.

• 37:53Speaker 00

  I just.

• 37:54Speaker 01

  It was in the Primark. It was not even on the metro centre. Oh, Jesus Christ.

• 37:58Speaker 00

  And so it was, it was indoors twice.

• 38:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, he did. Yeah, it's even worse.

• 38:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 38:03Speaker 01

  It's actually worse that he stood inside the shop.

• 38:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's indoors, indoors. Yeah, yeah. So that's even worse. Um, I ju, I need more, again, I need more information, like, but what I, what I love, so it's like a sitcom. Oh, it's alright, I can do this. Shh, on your leg.

• 38:19Speaker 00

  That's made my fucking day, that, like, that has made my day. You pig.

• 38:23Speaker 01

  I wonder, genuinely, I wonder if he was like nervous.

• 38:26Speaker 00

  Um, possibly, but.

• 38:29Speaker 01

  I wonder if he's nervous. I thought, I wonder if he's thought, I do this outside, I'll just do it here.

• 38:32Speaker 00

  Even better. I'll try this on for size.

• 38:35Speaker 01

  What?

• 38:35Speaker 00

  He thought it would impress her. Oh, it's alright, look, I can do this. I'm a proper man.

• 38:40Speaker 01

  I do this, I'll do this at five o'clock on Saturday morning. Nah, gross. I'm absolutely.

• 38:45Speaker 00

  Inside on a first date.

• 38:47Speaker 01

  I'm trying to think if you ever did anything really gross, that I was like, absolutely not. I remember the first time, not gross, it's actually a very clean thing, but it was, and we've talked about before.

• 38:57Speaker 00

  Right.

• 38:58Speaker 01

  Do you remember the first time I witnessed you doing your like shower routine?

• 39:01Speaker 00

  What do you mean?

• 39:03Speaker 01

  Your shower routine?

• 39:04Speaker 00

  My shower routine? You're gonna have to remind us.

• 39:05Speaker 01

  When you, you're like squat down, wash your arse.

• 39:08Speaker 00

  Oh, clean me arse. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 39:09Speaker 01

  Like the thing?

• 39:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 39:11Speaker 01

  That was, the first time I saw that, that was really horrible. No, I remember. Chris, how we?

• 39:16Speaker 00

  I remember.

• 39:17Speaker 01

  Oh, come on.

• 39:18Speaker 00

  Where were we?

• 39:19Speaker 01

  The bungalow?

• 39:20Speaker 00

  One story glory, yeah?

• 39:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:24Speaker 00

  And you came.

• 39:24Speaker 01

  We might have even had shower sex. It might have been after shower sex, when we used to have shower sex, remember?

• 39:30Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 39:30Speaker 01

  Um, and then I think we were like, and you were like, I'm just gonna get washed. You just literally, sorry everyone listening.

• 39:36Speaker 00

  Squat and spray.

• 39:40Speaker 01

  Squats down.

• 39:41Speaker 00

  Still do it. Still do it on a daily basis.

• 39:42Speaker 01

  I know you do. I'm used to it now.

• 39:43Speaker 00

  When I'm in a hotel and they've got that stupid thing where you can't get, if, one, if they haven't got a shower head, I'm well upset. And if they've got it where it's, it's in the loop and you can't get it off the thing, oh.

• 39:52Speaker 01

  Why'd you have to do that?

• 39:53Speaker 00

  Just being sure I'm doing a good job.

• 39:55Speaker 01

  Fuck me.

• 39:56Speaker 00

  The old undercarriage, the old undercarriage blast. It's gotta be done, man.

• 39:59Speaker 01

  Really straight. I just don't know why you can't wash your arse standing up. Like, it's a slit. It opens. No, but it opens.

• 40:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, but I'd just like to do a good job.

• 40:08Speaker 01

  Honestly, the first time I saw that, I was like, am I, am I too far in here?

• 40:14Speaker 00

  Nah, she was jealous. She just looked at us, right? I saw her look at her eyes going, my bum will, my bum will never be as clean as his. I'm gonna have to just, you had to reside yourself to the fact that you're in this relationship, you're the bum.

• 40:24Speaker 01

  I've got to stink your arse.

• 40:25Speaker 00

  You've got to dirty your arse.

• 40:30Speaker 01

  Wow. Right, listen, here we go. Um, hi guys. I'm absolutely loving the things we repeat that others have said segment. So I have one for you.

• 40:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:40Speaker 01

  I've noticed that in pretty much every conversation I have with my friend, he somehow manages to work the phrase, I've got three kids. Into the conversation.

• 40:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, okay. So this person doesn't have kids and he just keeps going, right, okay.

• 40:54Speaker 01

  And I mean, every conversation, right? It doesn't matter what we're talking about. Somehow, somewhere, there's a perfectly appropriate moment to remind us all that he's got three kids. It's become such a running joke in our house that we say it to everything. Um, can't make a cup of tea, I've got three kids. Can't empty the dishwasher, I've got three kids. Can't brush my teeth, I've got three kids. And I completely appreciate that having three children comes with its own challenges. God, I've got a three-year-old boy, so I know how hard it is, but honestly, we get it. You've got three kids. Please keep me anonymous because I don't want him to know it's me, although he probably won't have time to listen to this because.

• 41:31Speaker 00

  He's got three kids. Only one thing for it. Uh, you have to have four kids.

• 41:38Speaker 00

  That you have to, look, this is a long game. This is a long game and this is a lot to put on the line and it's a lot to pay, a big price to pay to win this argument. But you need to have, you've got your three-year-old, you need to quickly have three more kids. And then anything, you, you go, I've got four kids, mate.

• 41:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 41:53Speaker 00

  I've got four kids, mate. Of course you can, I've got four kids and I did it. Oh, you'd be gutted.

• 41:57Speaker 01

  I know. I mean, that would be me.

• 41:59Speaker 00

  What?

• 41:59Speaker 01

  That would be me. I've got three kids.

• 42:01Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 42:01Speaker 01

  Like, I'm.

• 42:02Speaker 00

  I don't know how anyone does anything with three kids. We've got two kids and I barely managed to do anything. I barely got time to squat down in the shower and clean my arse.

• 42:08Speaker 01

  I know.

• 42:09Speaker 00

  I.

• 42:09Speaker 01

  It's just insane, isn't it? Like the admin, but yeah, I've got three, that is funny though. I've got three kids.

• 42:14Speaker 00

  Brilliant.

• 42:17Speaker 01

  God, don't we all just hate each other?

• 42:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:21Speaker 00

  It's quite good. What I love is like people come on here anonymously with letters and emails and slag off their mates anonymously. And it's like they've got it out of their system. You know, the thing where they say, write something down, write a text as if you're gonna send it and then delete it and it feels like, well, these people are actually getting to do it, but they're not seeing it then, they're seeing it to us and then we're judging them. And it's like, I'm glad it's a service we can provide.

• 42:40Speaker 01

  Love it. Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba. Another one of the, um, stuff that people say that blah de blah de blah.

• 42:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:47Speaker 01

  My dad.

• 42:47Speaker 00

  I'm gonna fully give up on that, but yeah, come on.

• 42:49Speaker 01

  I know, fuck it. My dad has always had hearing problems, but he's one of those irritating people who will complain that everyone around him is speaking too quietly, rather than admitting that he might need a hearing aid.

• 43:00Speaker 00

  Classic.

• 43:01Speaker 01

  Honest to God, like.

• 43:02Speaker 00

  Classic.

• 43:03Speaker 01

  It's just that, that generation.

• 43:05Speaker 00

  No, I love it. No, no, I'm sorry. That's gonna be me. I'm telling you, that's gonna be me. I'm already like, I'm already, you know, going and playing.

• 43:13Speaker 01

  Belligerent.

• 43:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, belligerently playing 18 holes of golf and then wondering why I'm tired on the afternoon. I, you know, I had a horrible moment the other day. I think I was lying in bed and my leg was hurting or something. And I should remember thinking, from now until the day I die, me body's just gonna go downhill. Everything's gonna get harder and more difficult. I'm gonna be more tired and everything's gonna hurt more and it's just gonna go down, down, down, down, down till the day I die. So I would be, nah, you're all fucking, nah, I don't need, me? I don't need hearing aids, you're all just talking too quietly. That's a, what, hey, why are they always mumbling in films these days?

• 43:52Speaker 00

  That's me, get me right on that fucking train. Honestly.

• 43:55Speaker 01

  Oh, please don't take me down with you.

• 43:57Speaker 00

  Old twat.

• 43:58Speaker 01

  Please don't take me with you. Um, okay, so as a result, my family has accumulated a collection of iconic phrases he has accidentally invented by mishearing people.

• 44:09Speaker 00

  Epic.

• 44:09Speaker 01

  But my personal favourite happened last year. My dad's first grandchild and my first new nephew was born, was due to be born, sorry. And we were talking about all the things we were excited to do with him. As a lifelong Tottenham Hotspur supporter, Tottenham Hotspur supporter.

• 44:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:25Speaker 01

  My dad said he was particularly looking forward to taking his grandson to a Spurs game when he was older.

• 44:31Speaker 00

  Nice.

• 44:31Speaker 01

  I said, yes, you should buy him a tiny Spurs shirt. My dad looked at me completely perplexed, like I was the stupid one and said, a Taiwanese bird shirt?

• 44:48Speaker 00

  Oh, it's specific. It's so specific.

• 44:51Speaker 01

  So ridiculous.

• 44:52Speaker 00

  He's still got shirt, he's still got shirt.

• 44:55Speaker 01

  Taiwanese bird shirt.

• 44:56Speaker 00

  Taiwanese.

• 44:57Speaker 01

  Has thus become one of those phrases that has taken on a life of its own. My best friend and I now regularly refer to Tottenham Hotspur simply as Taiwanese birds. And although I don't like football, I would classify myself as a pride, as a proud Taiwanese bird supporter, if anyone asks.

• 45:14Speaker 00

  Fantastic.

• 45:15Speaker 01

  Oh, hang on. P S, my dad is going for open heart surgery soon. Please send good thoughts and healing vibes.

• 45:21Speaker 00

  Fucking hell, yeah.

• 45:22Speaker 01

  Hope you're all right, mate. While they're there, get your ears.

• 45:26Speaker 00

  Sorted.

• 45:26Speaker 01

  Sorted. While, while you're out. Oh no, honestly, genuinely, best of what we had.

• 45:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, I hope so, yeah. And, and maybe, maybe for a little gift, when he's better, Google specific indigenous Taiwanese birds.

• 45:40Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 45:40Speaker 00

  Get them printed on a shirt and give them a Taiwanese bird shirt.

• 45:43Speaker 01

  An actual bird. Get him a Taiwanese bird. Listen, just because.

• 45:47Speaker 00

  Might be import issues there, but yeah.

• 45:49Speaker 01

  Sure. Ready?

• 45:50Speaker 00

  They look for Taiwanese birds.

• 45:51Speaker 01

  Why, I?

• 45:52Speaker 00

  There we go.

• 45:53Speaker 01

  Oh, 700 species, fuck mate.

• 45:54Speaker 00

  Oh, you can cover a few shirts with them.

• 45:56Speaker 01

  Whoa, whoa, whoa. Blue magpie, macado pheasant.

• 46:02Speaker 00

  Here we go.

• 46:02Speaker 01

  Swinners pheasant, Taiwan yuhina, they're all very beautiful. Why is it 700 Taiwanese birds?

• 46:08Speaker 00

  Yeah. Hey, hey, if you're watching, right? Stop being greedy with your Taiwanese birds. Share them out, right? That's crazy talk.

• 46:17Speaker 01

  That's absolutely, in the 19 days I saw or heard 150 of the 570 species of birds recorded, 570, sorry, not 700. God, Google, get better.

• 46:27Speaker 00

  That's wild.

• 46:27Speaker 01

  That's what, how?

• 46:29Speaker 00

  There's so many, it'll blow your mind how many species there are of things. Like it blow, it will blow your mind. They still discover new fucking wasps and that, like there's so many, any animal you can think of, there is an absolutely eye-watering amount.

• 46:45Speaker 01

  Oh God.

• 46:46Speaker 00

  Of species of that animal.

• 46:46Speaker 01

  I hate to upset you, do you know bees are now on the like extinction list?

• 46:50Speaker 00

  Oh, for fuck's sake.

• 46:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, we're fucked. We're absolutely fucked.

• 46:52Speaker 00

  What are we doing, mate?

• 46:53Speaker 01

  We need bees.

• 46:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, we need bees.

• 46:55Speaker 01

  We need bees to just be alive.

• 46:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 46:57Speaker 01

  Honestly, someone I know has bought a generator.

• 47:00Speaker 00

  What?

• 47:00Speaker 01

  Someone I know has bought a generator.

• 47:02Speaker 00

  Why?

• 47:03Speaker 01

  Because we're fucked.

• 47:04Speaker 00

  Right. That's a good, good thing to end on. So just, you know, like, what, like sort of 50 minutes of pop comedy and then quick little dash of.

• 47:12Speaker 01

  I will kill, I will kill comedy.

• 47:13Speaker 00

  Quick little dash of open heart surgery and then a lovely smothering of where fucked me friends bought a generator, let's all live in underground. Thank you so much for listening.

• 47:22Speaker 01

  Oh, we're done? Shall I not do one more?

• 47:24Speaker 00

  Do you wanna do one more?

• 47:24Speaker 01

  I'll finish on one more because that was really depressing.

• 47:26Speaker 00

  Okay, okay.

• 47:27Speaker 01

  Um, hi Rosie and Chris. Me and my husband, cousin, my, me and my husband have listened to the podcast from the beginning. Um, I'm from Hartlepool, big up the North East. Anyway, love the new segment. Got us thinking about phrases we say. We were out and about one day when a couple walked past us and we heard the guy say to the woman, let's get you home and out of those pants.

• 47:52Speaker 00

  When are people gonna learn to not say shit like that loud enough for fucking strangers to hear it?

• 47:57Speaker 01

  So now if we're out and want to go home, we say, let's get you home and out of those pants. I wonder if anyone has heard us say it and the cycle has continued.

• 48:06Speaker 00

  Maybe, maybe the person, maybe they, he wasn't saying that to her.

• 48:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:10Speaker 00

  Maybe he heard someone else say that to her.

• 48:12Speaker 01

  Possibly.

• 48:12Speaker 00

  Here's a question, uh, was it sexy time or had you shot yourself?

• 48:16Speaker 01

  Who knows? Or were they too tight? We're having a really bloated day.

• 48:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:20Speaker 01

  Just get you home and out of them pants.

• 48:21Speaker 00

  Or had they just realised that those pants, uh, were fetching quite a pretty penny on vintage? So let's get you home and out of them before you ruin them. We're gonna sell them, go on holiday.

• 48:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:30Speaker 00

  There might have been a special, you know, special pants.

• 48:33Speaker 01

  Um, it says here, they say, we also say decent breasts a lot.

• 48:39Speaker 00

  Decent breasts.

• 48:39Speaker 01

  From an earlier episode of the podcast, remember decent breasts?

• 48:41Speaker 00

  I do remember decent breasts. I'm sure, I actually named the podcast episode decent breasts, if I remember rightly.

• 48:45Speaker 01

  Decent breasts.

• 48:46Speaker 00

  Decent breasts, just no, no ways, our grace is just a bloody decent breasts.

• 48:51Speaker 01

  Hey, listen, there's no wrong with a decent pair of breasts.

• 48:53Speaker 00

  Nothing wrong at all.

• 48:56Speaker 01

  Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba.

• 49:01Speaker 01

  Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shag Maradonoid. I hope I haven't upset you with the generator.

• 49:06Speaker 00

  Well, I was gonna say, yeah, I hope that for this episode, and as we always do, we've just took your mind off everything awful that's going on. But Rosie always likes to just, just jab you back in there at the end, a little, a little slap back in reality. If you want your mind taken off the horrible things in the world any further, chrisramseycomedy.com for tickets for my tour that goes on until beginning of December. And if not, we'll be back in your ears next week.

• 49:26Speaker 01

  Bye, love you, bye.

• 49:27Speaker 00

  Bye.

• 49:35Speaker 02

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