Please Keep Me Anonymous with Chloe Petts

On this week's podcast Chris and Rosie have an absolute riot with the brilliant comedian Chloe Petts. As well as being an incredible stand up, Chloe is also on the latest series of Taskmaster which you can currently watch on Channel 4 every Thursday or catch up on Channel4.com! The trio discuss aging, glow ups, soul mates and the time Chloe had a pilonidal sinus. Plus we get to hear a fantastic story from a SMA! Trigger warning, sh*t is discussed at length...literally! Chloe is going on tour so for tickets and all the latest info visit chloepetts.org If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch! 📧: [email protected] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:30Speaker 01

  You are listening to Shagged, married and annoyed. Please keep me anonymous. And this week, we are joined by the hilarious Chloé Pets.

• 0:38Speaker 02

  They are going on tour soon, and the tour is called Call Me By My Surname. For tickets and more information, please visit chloepetts.org. They were also on the new, the new series, sorry, of Taskmaster.

• 0:49Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 0:50Speaker 02

  There's two episodes out already. Everyone is gonna love them and make sure that you tune in on Channel 4.

• 0:55Speaker 01

  Incredible lineup. Izzy Suti, Matt Lucas, Nina Conti, Richard Iordi and Chloé Pets. Absolutely fantastic.

• 1:01Speaker 02

  And I love this episode, by the way.

• 1:02Speaker 01

  Oh, we had such a good chat.

• 1:04Speaker 02

  So much fun.

• 1:04Speaker 01

  We saw Chloé years ago in Edinburgh and always knew superstardom was in the future. So, yeah, enjoy.

• 1:11Speaker 02

  Enjoy.

• 1:32Speaker 02

  Oh, did you do Candyman at school? In the mirror?

• 1:35Speaker 03

  No, I never, I was too much of a worse.

• 1:37Speaker 02

  Oh, God, I did.

• 1:38Speaker 03

  Did you? Did he come?

• 1:40Speaker 02

  No, thank God.

• 1:41Speaker 01

  All over at it.

• 1:46Speaker 03

  Fuck it, Chris, it's not good, is it?

• 1:49Speaker 02

  You're horrible. Why? No, because I think you're ruining this podcast because people come on thinking, it looks quite professional and, you know.

• 1:58Speaker 01

  That's their, that's their problem.

• 1:59Speaker 02

  But then we're horrible. We're nasty.

• 2:00Speaker 03

  I know, please don't worry, I know both of you. I've come on this podcast with my eyes well-intruded.

• 2:05Speaker 02

  Good, okay, good.

• 2:05Speaker 03

  I knew that before we'd even properly started recording, someone would have said that they're gonna come, Candyman's gonna come on their tour.

• 2:12Speaker 01

  It's, what can I say? I'm recycling all material.

• 2:18Speaker 03

  I, yeah, I don't know. I would be quite concerned about Candyman arriving.

• 2:22Speaker 02

  Oh, I did it. I was just like, fuck it.

• 2:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:24Speaker 02

  I would do anything, like, just to get a reaction.

• 2:28Speaker 01

  Do you know that the actor who played, little, little fact for you, the actor who played Candyman negotiated himself an incredible little extra in his, in his contract.

• 2:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:41Speaker 01

  He got $1,000 for every wasp sting. You know, he had the wasps or the bees or whatever all over him.

• 2:47Speaker 02

  Oh, my God, yeah.

• 2:48Speaker 01

  He negotiated himself $1,000 for every single sting.

• 2:51Speaker 03

  So he was just running in going, get me last, please?

• 2:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:54Speaker 03

  That's great. Just dousing something, huh?

• 2:56Speaker 01

  It was an extra 25 grand, 50 grand, something, because he got stung like 25, 50 times.

• 3:00Speaker 02

  Where do you find this shit out? You know so many weird fucking facts.

• 3:03Speaker 03

  Maybe I should negotiate that into all contracts.

• 3:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:06Speaker 03

  Like, go on Taskmaster.

• 3:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:08Speaker 03

  If I get a bee sting, extra grand, please.

• 3:10Speaker 01

  We don't release the bees on this podcast until right at the end.

• 3:13Speaker 03

  Okay, great.

• 3:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 3:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:15Speaker 02

  How was Taskmaster? You filmed it all now? All done in the bag?

• 3:19Speaker 03

  Like, it's out. It's so strange where, like, people, like, would be like, it's gonna, it's gonna change your life, like.

• 3:27Speaker 01

  It's a kingmaker. It's an absolute kingmaker.

• 3:29Speaker 03

  Absolutely. And one episode's come out, and I went to a barbecue on Sunday with a group of strangers, and all that happened was four separate people came up to me and was like, I know you, we've met before. And I was like, we haven't, we actually haven't.

• 3:41Speaker 02

  Oh, see, welcome to the, no, you, you have to just be well-mannered.

• 3:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:45Speaker 02

  And say, yeah.

• 3:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, we used to work in the civil service together, I guess.

• 3:49Speaker 02

  Now you're gonna, now you're gonna have to learn. So, do you know, I walk quite a lot around where I live, right?

• 3:54Speaker 03

  Trying to get recognised.

• 3:55Speaker 02

  No.

• 3:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, she walks and she goes.

• 3:56Speaker 03

  Hi, it's me.

• 3:57Speaker 01

  No, she does the. She goes, oh my God, it's a walking, oh, God, guys, can I just be?

• 4:04Speaker 02

  Why are you shitting on just exactly what I'm gonna say? No, so I just like to walk, I love walking. And basically, a lot of times, people beep and wave, and I don't know these people. They think they know me. They think, that's my friend, that's who I went to school with, that's so, so now what you've got to do is just, you've got to wave back.

• 4:23Speaker 01

  It's not entirely true. She says they beep and wave. They actually pull up, slow down, wind down the window and say, very nice, how much?

• 4:30Speaker 03

  Oh, Chris.

• 4:31Speaker 02

  Chloé, a prostitute joke. We've been doing it for, we've been doing this for four minutes.

• 4:35Speaker 03

  Sex worker.

• 4:35Speaker 02

  Sex worker joke.

• 4:36Speaker 03

  A sex worker joke, and I loved it.

• 4:38Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 4:38Speaker 03

  Okay, I really loved it, you put yourself out there. You're, what I would say is, you're a ratio, you're a ratios man. Not everything you say works, but God, you keep trying.

• 4:47Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 4:49Speaker 02

  That's so true. Chloé, you look great. We, so, hang on, I wanna, I hate the whole, like, glow up shit, right? Two men have said it to Chris today, and it's really upset us, but.

• 4:59Speaker 03

  Chris has had a glow up?

• 5:00Speaker 02

  Yeah. When did we see you in Edinburgh? It was about three years ago, two or three years ago.

• 5:04Speaker 03

  I've definitely had a glow up since then.

• 5:05Speaker 02

  You've had a glow up?

• 5:06Speaker 03

  I think what it is, is, well, I feel uncomfortable talking about glow up because, I don't know, what's your relationship to your faces and bodies? Where I'll always look in the mirror and just go, oh, or like, see myself back or something, oh. So I don't personally agree with the glow up, but what I would say is that I have started dressing and styling myself in a way that feels more authentically me.

• 5:29Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 5:30Speaker 03

  Isn't that nice?

• 5:31Speaker 01

  So you're just, yeah.

• 5:32Speaker 02

  That's nice.

• 5:32Speaker 01

  I think that's lovely.

• 5:33Speaker 02

  That is good.

• 5:33Speaker 01

  I know what you mean. When someone, like, a couple of times a day, people have said, I'm gonna tell you, Chloé, Joe Wick's had a look in good shape, just pointed out there.

• 5:40Speaker 03

  My God.

• 5:41Speaker 01

  But I don't, so I'm making a joke of it and taking the mick as if I'm bragging about it because I find it genuinely hard to take. When he said it, I was just like, you wanna go, you wanna go, shut up? What, you shut up?

• 5:52Speaker 03

  Oh, gay. Oh, Joe Wick's no homo. Oh, yeah, I swear, I swear I wasn't trying to get Lean in 15.

• 6:03Speaker 01

  That's exactly what I said.

• 6:04Speaker 03

  You have, you've been in the gym though, haven't you?

• 6:06Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 6:07Speaker 03

  Yeah. How's that been? I'm taking over the podcast, I'm flipping it back around.

• 6:11Speaker 01

  Go for it.

• 6:11Speaker 02

  But I'm fucking, I can't be arsed. If you take over this, nor the podcast.

• 6:16Speaker 03

  Can't be arsed for doing podcasts.

• 6:16Speaker 02

  You take it over and just talk to us. That would make me so happy.

• 6:20Speaker 01

  I think, to flip it around, to flip it around again, I think the biggest, you two are with the biggest glow up in comedy history, Ed Gamble.

• 6:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 6:30Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 6:30Speaker 01

  Biggest glow up on the planet.

• 6:32Speaker 02

  Question.

• 6:33Speaker 03

  Ready? Uh, question, do both of you have ADHD?

• 6:36Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 6:39Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 6:39Speaker 02

  No, it hasn't been diagnosed.

• 6:41Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 6:41Speaker 01

  Self-diagnosed.

• 6:42Speaker 03

  Okay, well, I'm diagnosing it now.

• 6:43Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 6:45Speaker 03

  I don't have any authority, but I don't think I need it.

• 6:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:48Speaker 03

  Okay, so.

• 6:50Speaker 01

  Sorry to be here. Chloé, thanks for having me on your podcast.

• 6:53Speaker 03

  Rosie just absolutely running the podcast, you sitting there like a little dog panting.

• 6:57Speaker 02

  This is what we do.

• 6:58Speaker 01

  This is interesting. Your family's all work.

• 7:01Speaker 03

  Re Ed Gamble's glow up, I feel like Charlie, Charlie, his wife is like, the best on this. Where she's like, he was handsome before, he's handsome now, you know? He's just, again.

• 7:11Speaker 01

  That's a nice little comment.

• 7:12Speaker 03

  But I think he was so handsome before, and, and, like, the reason we all love him isn't because he's hot, it's part of why we love him, of course.

• 7:19Speaker 02

  No, I, no, but it's not, I think he's just aging well.

• 7:23Speaker 03

  I think he's aging so well, and I feel like I might be aging like a man as well, which I'm pleased about, where.

• 7:30Speaker 02

  I wanna age like a man.

• 7:31Speaker 03

  Yeah. But I think, like, more femme-presenting people, like, it, well, I don't really know what I'm talking about. I think, I think there's, there's a male privilege to aging.

• 7:42Speaker 02

  Absolutely.

• 7:43Speaker 03

  Where, like, they have to work less hard to look good when they get older.

• 7:45Speaker 02

  What, okay, here's something, right, Chris, who's got wrinkly eyes, deep wrinkled forehead, do you know what, though? Fucking love it.

• 7:52Speaker 03

  Yeah, he looks wonderful.

• 7:53Speaker 02

  I fucking love it. Literally, when you're squinting that, I'm like, look at his, God, look at his wrinkly, sexy eyes. Look at he's like, he's going great, and I'm like, hard for it. But me?

• 8:02Speaker 01

  Shut up!

• 8:04Speaker 03

  You're having a good day today, man.

• 8:05Speaker 02

  Nobody is, nobody's aging amazingly, and I'm like, genuinely, I'm like, I've married well, he's gonna be handsome when we get older, bloody hell.

• 8:12Speaker 03

  You invested.

• 8:13Speaker 02

  I've invested well. And, but me, like, I'm aging okay, but I look in the mirror and I'm like, oh, God, like, that's what, like, women do, it's not fair.

• 8:21Speaker 03

  But that's like a personal thing to you, where you look at yourself and.

• 8:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think you're too hard on yourself.

• 8:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, because you're beautiful. Remember what I said when you walked into the room?

• 8:28Speaker 02

  You did, you said bombshells enter the villa.

• 8:30Speaker 03

  Bombshells enter the villa.

• 8:31Speaker 02

  That was really nice.

• 8:31Speaker 03

  But I think it's a societal attitude that we need to change, where I think we're less comfortable with seeing women aging, and I don't think it's about women aging less well, I think it's about how we see women, women aging. We'll, we'll flip back around, I think, because at the moment, because we had, like, loads of body positivity, and then the reaction to that is always body negativity, and then we'll have body positivity again.

• 8:53Speaker 02

  I hope so.

• 8:53Speaker 03

  We'll just keep taking three steps forward, one step back.

• 8:56Speaker 02

  I hope so, because, yeah.

• 8:58Speaker 01

  Three steps forward, one step back.

• 8:59Speaker 03

  Three steps forward, yeah.

• 9:00Speaker 01

  That's a more optimistic version of the two steps forward, one step back.

• 9:05Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 9:05Speaker 01

  Which I like.

• 9:06Speaker 03

  I've added an extra step on.

• 9:07Speaker 01

  Should we do four?

• 9:09Speaker 03

  Go on.

• 9:09Speaker 01

  Let's do four steps forward, one step back.

• 9:11Speaker 03

  Okay, I'm negotiating, four from you? How many do you want?

• 9:15Speaker 02

  A four will do, I think four will do.

• 9:17Speaker 01

  Four steps forward, one step back. It's 25%, this is 25% loss on each movement.

• 9:21Speaker 02

  Well, good maths.

• 9:22Speaker 01

  Yeah. You know, we're progressing 75% of the time.

• 9:27Speaker 03

  You can't be happy with that.

• 9:27Speaker 01

  This is great.

• 9:28Speaker 02

  No, I'm just upset because we were at a wedding last week.

• 9:31Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 9:31Speaker 02

  And I don't know if you know this, but our friends were there, very good friends, and they had their two-week-old baby.

• 9:37Speaker 03

  I didn't know that.

• 9:38Speaker 02

  Didn't know that, and, well, there was a lady.

• 9:40Speaker 01

  How do you not know that? What the hell?

• 9:41Speaker 03

  Sorry, I should have been a breast of it.

• 9:42Speaker 02

  Sorry, did they not let you know when you come in?

• 9:44Speaker 03

  Should have done my research.

• 9:45Speaker 02

  Should have done research. And there was a lady there who thought that I was that child's grandma.

• 9:51Speaker 02

  It's been a really bad week, Chloé.

• 9:53Speaker 03

  But I don't think that's about whether you look grandmother age. I think that's probably the, the context that you're going into, maybe the grandmothers tend younger in, in that group.

• 10:03Speaker 01

  Sorry, two seconds, are you seeing grandparents are younger in the north?

• 10:06Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 10:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, they are. No, but, no, but actually, I could be, I could be.

• 10:11Speaker 01

  And you're right.

• 10:11Speaker 02

  I actually could be, I'm 40 now, I could have had that, I could have had a daughter.

• 10:15Speaker 03

  20 and 20.

• 10:16Speaker 02

  At 20, and they've had it, yeah, so my cousin, it's absolutely, it is, but I think the fact that I haven't lived that life, so my cousin, who is a grandmother, and she's absolutely stunning, she's gorgeous, she's a year above me, she has lived that, she had that child, she now has, she's lived it, she's very much in it.

• 10:33Speaker 03

  She should, what she should have is, she should have sort of some, like a, like a sort of crinoline dress.

• 10:38Speaker 02

  She doesn't, she's glam, she's gorgeous.

• 10:40Speaker 03

  She should be listening to Vera Lynn, like, that's how I see a grandmother.

• 10:44Speaker 01

  Well, no, so she is, but if she was with her daughter, then maybe, but I think it was, it was, wasn't that?

• 10:49Speaker 02

  It was just a shock.

• 10:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:50Speaker 02

  A shock. I just thought, fuck, fuck.

• 10:56Speaker 02

  All of the fucking things. Anyway, so I've had a bad week.

• 10:59Speaker 03

  I would have gone like that.

• 11:01Speaker 02

  I've had a bad week, but also I've had one of those kind of times when you go, no, fuck it, I'm aging.

• 11:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 11:07Speaker 02

  I'm aging, I'm 40. What, I love 40.

• 11:09Speaker 01

  Incredibly hard on yourself and you shouldn't be, and I see this all the time.

• 11:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, but I also think like when you're, when you're 60, God forbid, you're gonna look back at all of this footage and be like, what was I complaining about? I was lush. Blonde bombshell enters a villa.

• 11:23Speaker 02

  Thanks.

• 11:24Speaker 01

  I, I was at the scooter park for, paying for our son's little lesson, the skate party the other day and he went in.

• 11:30Speaker 03

  It's so funny when you said I was at the scooter park, I, the sun was out of it for me.

• 11:35Speaker 01

  I was just there.

• 11:36Speaker 03

  The image was just like you and your own scooter.

• 11:37Speaker 01

  I had my helmet on, I had my kneepads.

• 11:38Speaker 03

  Ready to go.

• 11:40Speaker 01

  Have I had a turn? Yeah, I've had a couple of turns.

• 11:43Speaker 02

  Oh my god.

• 11:43Speaker 01

  Won't be the big ramp though, you're kidding us, I'm gonna fall over in front of all the mums and dads. Um, the, the lady behind the counter, I said, or something would be, what have you been up to, whatever, I said, I'll be in a way, so it was my wife's 40th. And I don't know how old the lady is, but she's older than us, and she went, eh, 40, just a bin. Meaning just a kid.

• 12:00Speaker 03

  Isn't that lovely? Thanks for translation.

• 12:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, you know, no problem at all.

• 12:04Speaker 03

  For the southern scum.

• 12:05Speaker 01

  Just in case. But yeah, just a bin.

• 12:07Speaker 02

  That's good. That's okay, that's good.

• 12:09Speaker 01

  Cause it's all relative.

• 12:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 12:11Speaker 02

  It's halfway at the death though.

• 12:14Speaker 02

  How old are you, Chloe?

• 12:15Speaker 03

  I'm 32.

• 12:16Speaker 02

  Fucking hell. Just a baby, just a little wee babe.

• 12:20Speaker 03

  I'm just a wee babe. How old are you, Chris?

• 12:23Speaker 01

  I'm 40 as well, we're, we're 27 days apart.

• 12:25Speaker 03

  Fuck off. 27 days apart?

• 12:28Speaker 02

  We're different star signs though.

• 12:29Speaker 01

  What's even cooler, fuck that. What's even cooler, 3rd of August, 3-0, 30th of August, 0-3.

• 12:36Speaker 02

  We're soulmates.

• 12:37Speaker 03

  Flip reversed.

• 12:38Speaker 02

  We're kind of soulmates, but not soulmates because here's something which Chris knows and it's fine. When, so one of my makeup artists is a tarot, like she does.

• 12:48Speaker 03

  I never know where this is going next. We're not soulmates because one of our makeup artists, yep, cool, carry on.

• 12:57Speaker 03

  Please.

• 13:00Speaker 01

  With her last interview in a very long day.

• 13:02Speaker 02

  I'm sorry. No, my makeup artist, um, she, she's like a spiritual, very spiritual lady. She told me that my soulmate is my best friend.

• 13:11Speaker 03

  And Chris isn't your best friend?

• 13:13Speaker 02

  No.

• 13:13Speaker 03

  Who's your best friend?

• 13:14Speaker 02

  Steph.

• 13:14Speaker 03

  Steph.

• 13:15Speaker 02

  She's my soulmate.

• 13:16Speaker 03

  And how do you feel about that?

• 13:18Speaker 01

  I'm hearing this for the first time.

• 13:21Speaker 01

  This has never been talked to me. She just held my hand and said, and Chris knows this, I don't know this.

• 13:25Speaker 03

  Did you not know that you?

• 13:27Speaker 01

  I had no idea.

• 13:28Speaker 03

  Did you think you were soulmates the whole time?

• 13:30Speaker 01

  I thought we were soul, I've just told the Thomas brothers that we're soulmates.

• 13:33Speaker 03

  And the whole time she was going, he doesn't fucking know.

• 13:36Speaker 01

  You didn't tell me that.

• 13:37Speaker 03

  But how, wait, how does she know?

• 13:39Speaker 02

  She just said, she went, your soulmate is like, who's your best friend? I said, it's Steph. And she went, that's your soulmate? And I went, I kind of agree.

• 13:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:48Speaker 02

  Oh no, but like, like, you're my sexual soulmate. Steph's my platonic.

• 13:53Speaker 03

  I'll be happy with that one.

• 13:54Speaker 01

  Sexual soulmates.

• 13:55Speaker 02

  Steph's my platonic soulmate.

• 13:56Speaker 01

  Right. But anyone can do that.

• 13:59Speaker 02

  What?

• 14:00Speaker 01

  What's your best friend called?

• 14:01Speaker 03

  Uh, well, actually that would be quite controversial. Let's say Jodie.

• 14:04Speaker 01

  Right, Jodie's not your soulmate, no. Uh, what's your barber's name? That's your soulmate. Anyone can do it, see? Anyone can talk shit.

• 14:12Speaker 02

  No, but I think she's right, cause Steph is my soulmate. And me and Steph had a really big conversation about it. Steph was like, I think you're my soulmate as well, so.

• 14:20Speaker 01

  Oh god.

• 14:21Speaker 02

  But she's married as well.

• 14:23Speaker 03

  I think that's appropriate.

• 14:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:25Speaker 02

  Isn't it? It's like a best friend.

• 14:27Speaker 03

  What's your opinion on people that at their, during their vows say, I'm marrying my best friend? What, how does that make you feel? Did you say it during your vows?

• 14:35Speaker 02

  No, I don't think so.

• 14:37Speaker 01

  No, I know what you, what's, I'm thinking that, this is a weighted question, you've got an opinion on it, what are you thinking?

• 14:42Speaker 03

  I just think they're separate things, like I think they're separate categories. Like, again, forgive me if this is offensive to you, but people that call their mother their best friend. I think, no, she's my mother.

• 14:52Speaker 01

  That's weird as fuck.

• 14:53Speaker 03

  Yeah, and she can have qualities that I would call my best friend, but I wouldn't say that she's my best friend.

• 14:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:57Speaker 02

  I, I mean, personally, I agree. I'm like, my sister, I've got a sister who I'm very close to, and my mum, and I love them. But they are my sister and my mum. And then I've got my soulmate, Steph. She's my best friend.

• 15:09Speaker 03

  You've just got this guy.

• 15:10Speaker 02

  And then I've got this one. He's my sexual partner, he's my, he's the, he's just a cock in a face.

• 15:19Speaker 01

  He's just a cock in a face. Can you imagine if I said a similar thing about you? It'd be fucking hell on.

• 15:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, you can't.

• 15:27Speaker 01

  He's just a cock in a face.

• 15:29Speaker 02

  No, do you know what I mean? No, no, I love you to death, but you, but, and we are probably soulmates, we're madly, but.

• 15:35Speaker 01

  I've been called worse things.

• 15:36Speaker 02

  She just said that, my friend.

• 15:36Speaker 03

  I'll take a cock, I'll take a cock in the face. Was Steph like?

• 15:39Speaker 02

  She's lovely.

• 15:40Speaker 03

  Yeah, what'd she do?

• 15:40Speaker 01

  She's fucking great.

• 15:42Speaker 02

  She's a teacher. We've been best friends since we were like 15.

• 15:45Speaker 03

  I wish she was here.

• 15:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, she's really good.

• 15:48Speaker 01

  This is awful.

• 15:49Speaker 02

  She's great. She's lovely.

• 15:51Speaker 03

  She's really fun.

• 15:52Speaker 02

  She's, she's a really good laugh actually. Yeah.

• 15:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 15:56Speaker 01

  Ah, yeah, great though.

• 15:57Speaker 02

  She's really inspirational as well, actually. She lost, like, she was bigger when we were younger, she lost loads of weight, like, on her own. She's like proper. And she ran the Great North Run, like, really proud of her.

• 16:05Speaker 03

  What would have Joey Wick said about her?

• 16:07Speaker 02

  He would have said, you're an inspiration.

• 16:09Speaker 03

  Yeah. See? What did he say about you?

• 16:13Speaker 01

  That I look really fit.

• 16:16Speaker 03

  You're having, you're having like a mixed day today, I would say, because people are saying, people are really questioning the content of your character.

• 16:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:23Speaker 03

  But, but they say you look hot, at least.

• 16:25Speaker 01

  It's a, it's an emotional rollercoaster, to be honest with you.

• 16:27Speaker 02

  What would you, what would you rather have?

• 16:29Speaker 03

  I think I'd rather people think I was hot. Like, I could do a full stand-up show and no one laugh for an hour, but if everyone at the end, at the same time went, you looked absolutely stunning today and we all want to have sex with you, I'd be like, my job period's done.

• 16:42Speaker 02

  We're fickle, fickle fuckers, aren't we? Yeah.

• 16:44Speaker 03

  But I think maybe it's because like, I feel like I have more control over whether I'm like, being funny and charismatic on stage, whereas like, I, I, I just want the lot that I was given in terms of the way I look to be confirmed as good or bad, do you know what I mean?

• 16:57Speaker 02

  Well, you've had your glow up, so I think you look great.

• 16:59Speaker 03

  I had a haircut today. Did it fresh, did it fresh for this?

• 17:02Speaker 02

  Fresh. Lee's skin's lovely. You've got a good skin routine?

• 17:05Speaker 03

  I've, uh, well, not, yes, but it's not, it's nothing deep, I just use a lot of Aesop.

• 17:13Speaker 02

  Aesop?

• 17:13Speaker 03

  Aesop. Aesop is like a sort of bougie skincare brand and it's like, um, very sort of culty. Like, there's one on Broadway Market and you're going and they're all speaking very softly and wearing the same aprons and saying, would you like me to wash your hands?

• 17:30Speaker 02

  Oh, hang on. It's, it starts with an E.

• 17:33Speaker 03

  Aesop.

• 17:34Speaker 02

  E-E-S-O-P.

• 17:36Speaker 01

  I thought this might happen.

• 17:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 17:38Speaker 02

  I've never called that Aesop.

• 17:39Speaker 03

  What would you have called it? Aesop?

• 17:41Speaker 02

  Aesop.

• 17:41Speaker 01

  I think we call it Aesop.

• 17:43Speaker 02

  Aesop. Yeah, okay, I know what, I know what brand you mean.

• 17:46Speaker 03

  Do you call it Aesop?

• 17:47Speaker 02

  A, A, Aesop. Yeah, I know what you mean now, that's a lovely brand, yeah.

• 17:52Speaker 03

  Isn't it a lovely brand?

• 17:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's, I was like, what the fuck is?

• 17:54Speaker 03

  I'd recommend it to anyone and if they would love to sponsor me.

• 17:58Speaker 01

  But can you just see how angry Rosie got at the idea that there was a bougie face brand that she had?

• 18:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, I was.

• 18:04Speaker 01

  She was ready to fucking jump you. Like, what, what, what's it? What's it called? How you spell that?

• 18:09Speaker 02

  Yeah. No, I go to bed with a wet face. That's how much I use it.

• 18:14Speaker 03

  Well, is there, is there a, um, Shag Married Annoyed No Context account? Because that's going straight on it.

• 18:19Speaker 01

  It's almost like she doesn't know these things can be clipped off. The stuff she says.

• 18:24Speaker 02

  I do.

• 18:26Speaker 02

  I've got a fan in my, do you know in my, in where I put all my creams on, like my little station? I've got a fan, I have to fan in between each layer. Genuinely.

• 18:35Speaker 01

  I've said it before, yeah.

• 18:37Speaker 02

  Takes about 10 minutes.

• 18:38Speaker 01

  I've said it before, the stuff she puts on her face, it's like, have you ever seen someone making a chopping board on, on the internet? It's like the layers of stuff they put on, that's.

• 18:48Speaker 01

  This episode is sponsored by TV Licensing. A TV licence covers you to watch over 400 TV channels plus everything on BBC iPlayer. To find out more, go to tvl.co.uk/pod. Rosie?

• 19:01Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 19:01Speaker 01

  So many things on TV coming up.

• 19:03Speaker 02

  I know.

• 19:03Speaker 01

  So many things to talk about.

• 19:05Speaker 02

  Autumn really ramps up on the TV side of things, I think.

• 19:08Speaker 01

  You're gonna be back in the house, you're gonna be sitting down, early nights, dark nights, you're gonna be watching a load of cracking stuff. What you, what you looking forward to?

• 19:15Speaker 02

  So I'm looking forward to RuPaul's Drag Race UK. I'm a series behind sadly, right? So I'm gonna binge watch the last series. And then this series started on the 3rd of September. So I feel like I'm just gonna have, that's my night's planned.

• 19:29Speaker 01

  Absolute powerhouse of a show, it's been going forever, that.

• 19:31Speaker 02

  It's so good though. Yeah, it's really good. Obviously I've seen all of the American ones and the UK ones are just as good. And actually, like, a lot more relatable as well.

• 19:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 19:40Speaker 02

  Do you know what I mean?

• 19:40Speaker 01

  Close at home.

• 19:41Speaker 02

  Close at home.

• 19:43Speaker 01

  Obviously huge this autumn, Strictly Come Dancing.

• 19:46Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 19:47Speaker 01

  Obviously huge every single year, but we've got brand new presenters this year. We've got my mate Josh Whittaker.

• 19:52Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 19:52Speaker 01

  We've got Emma Willis.

• 19:53Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 19:53Speaker 01

  And we've got the wonderful ex-professional dancer on the show, Johannes.

• 19:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, I love Johannes.

• 19:58Speaker 01

  Oh my God, when I did the show myself, Johannes, just, just whenever you saw him, it was just like, he just made us feel amazing.

• 20:03Speaker 02

  I did So and Be with him.

• 20:05Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 20:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's a really magical man.

• 20:08Speaker 01

  Lovely presence, just a lovely presence up around. So yeah, complete switch up of the whole thing.

• 20:12Speaker 02

  Let's see what it's like, eh?

• 20:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:14Speaker 02

  I think there's gonna be a lot of people watching.

• 20:16Speaker 01

  Oh, everyone's gonna tune in to see what's going on. Yeah, I'm really looking forward to seeing how it goes on. And obviously it, it's tough for me to watch because I found it so difficult. Just when I hear the dancing, the whatever, or hear the tune.

• 20:26Speaker 02

  I thought you were gonna say, I thought you were gonna say it's gonna be tough for me to watch because I really wanted that cake.

• 20:31Speaker 01

  No, it's tough for me to watch, but we know this because I found Strictly so difficult.

• 20:35Speaker 02

  I know, you triggered.

• 20:36Speaker 01

  Literally, I hear the duh, duh, duh, duh, and I get like nervous because it was just, but yeah, I mean, it's just, again, it's just a powerhouse of, of, of British television.

• 20:43Speaker 02

  It's a great Saturday night programme. I love having it on.

• 20:45Speaker 01

  Great for the family.

• 20:46Speaker 02

  Family friendly, can be on in the background while you're catching up with your mates or, you know, the kids can be there while it's on. It's lush.

• 20:54Speaker 01

  You can watch it with the kids, I can watch it with your mates and a cheeky little glass of wine. It's fantastic.

• 20:57Speaker 02

  Oh, there's loads of new dancers as well.

• 20:59Speaker 01

  Exactly. But it's gonna be, it's gonna be like a new show.

• 21:01Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 21:02Speaker 01

  Obviously Bake Off back on my screens as well.

• 21:04Speaker 02

  Come on.

• 21:05Speaker 01

  Big news in Bake Off.

• 21:06Speaker 02

  What?

• 21:07Speaker 01

  Nigella.

• 21:07Speaker 02

  Nigella? Oh my gosh, I completely forgot about that.

• 21:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, man.

• 21:11Speaker 02

  Ooh, okay. Oh, that'll be in, oh, look at, look at these programmes shaking it up.

• 21:16Speaker 01

  They really have, haven't they?

• 21:17Speaker 02

  I think Nigella will be a really good judge. And from when I used to watch Nigella back in the day, she loves a bit of cake.

• 21:23Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 21:24Speaker 02

  Do you know what I mean?

• 21:25Speaker 01

  If you're watching this on YouTube, I'll just lean slightly out the way there, you can just, just see, just behind us, you can just see me star baker here.

• 21:31Speaker 02

  Wow, wow.

• 21:32Speaker 01

  Star baker, just.

• 21:34Speaker 02

  Not about you, Chris. Not about you.

• 21:36Speaker 01

  I try and make everything about me if I can.

• 21:38Speaker 02

  Of course you do.

• 21:39Speaker 01

  What else you got coming up?

• 21:40Speaker 02

  It's called Cruising Paradise Above and Below Deck. It's on E4. It started on the 30th of July and it's 10 episodes running through till October. It's just something that I know that I will love.

• 21:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:52Speaker 02

  It's a documentary about a cruise ship and it shows the kind of behind the scenes with a lot of the entertainment staff, which I know so many people have worked on cruise ships and I know how stressful it is. And also I used to work abroad in roads and hotels, so I know all about it. And I just love seeing the behind the scenes of cruises. They're fascinating. I've never been on one, but I find them fascinating.

• 22:11Speaker 01

  Obviously they are the forbidden fruit for you because you couldn't get a job at a cruise ship because you weren't tall enough, are you?

• 22:15Speaker 02

  I wasn't tall enough for the costumes. I would have been, I would have, this would have been so much more relatable. But yeah, so it shows and it follows a couple of the travellers, some young, some old, some first timers, some who've been there lots of times. And I just love stuff like that. And E4 always do it really well. Channel 4 as a whole do those kind of documentaries. Bellissimo.

• 22:35Speaker 01

  And listen, it's not all lighthearted entertainment. ITV have The Rainmaker, which is a legal thriller. We love it. We love a courtroom.

• 22:43Speaker 02

  I do, I love it.

• 22:44Speaker 01

  We love a courtroom drama. It's a legal thriller, it's corruption, it's all kinds going on. We've got that ready to look for. Just, you know, it can't all be shiny floors and excitement and baking cakes and dancing.

• 22:54Speaker 02

  No.

• 22:54Speaker 01

  There has to be a bit gritty in there as well.

• 22:55Speaker 02

  We need the drama.

• 22:56Speaker 01

  So we've got Strictly on the BBC, we've got Bake Off on Channel 4, we've got RuPaul on the BBC, we've got Cruising Paradise on E4, and we've got ITV, The Rainmaker.

• 23:04Speaker 02

  Nice, oh, bit of everything there.

• 23:05Speaker 01

  Absolutely sewn up your autumn there for you. Enjoy. And remember, a TV licence covers you to watch over 400 TV channels and everything on BBC iPlayer. To find out more, go to tvl.co.uk/pod.

• 23:19Speaker 02

  Happy watching. Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba.

• 23:23Speaker 04

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• 23:54Speaker 03

  What do you do? Because your skin looks great as well. Do you wear a little makeup as well?

• 23:58Speaker 01

  I've got a little bit of makeup on now, yeah. And I also did Good Morning Britain this morning, so there's double layers of makeup on. But I didn't start moisturising literally until we got together. Then I was like, oh, okay, now I'll do a, I'll do a little under eye serum. I'll do a moisture.

• 24:10Speaker 03

  You look absolutely fantastic. I hope that this happens for me as I, as I gain further celebrity.

• 24:18Speaker 01

  Oh, right, okay.

• 24:19Speaker 02

  Oh, it's money.

• 24:20Speaker 03

  Did you think so?

• 24:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, like I said, man.

• 24:22Speaker 03

  But it's nowhere to spend the money. I still want nowhere to spend. Can I, can I text you?

• 24:28Speaker 02

  What do you want?

• 24:28Speaker 03

  Look, skincare.

• 24:30Speaker 02

  Yes. You don't have to spend a fortune, you know. I've, I've learnt that actually. You, you, there's lower brand ones, like the crazy ones are good, but you don't have to be mad.

• 24:39Speaker 03

  And what do you, would you say you need in your skincare routine? Because at the moment I'm cleansed, toned, moisturised, and that's it.

• 24:46Speaker 01

  The Holy Trinity.

• 24:47Speaker 02

  So.

• 24:47Speaker 01

  Awful!

• 24:48Speaker 02

  No, it's not awful.

• 24:49Speaker 01

  I thought I was God's good self, great, I was the Holy Trinity.

• 24:51Speaker 03

  Remember we're boys, so, so just, anything that's above a splash of water is quite good for us.

• 24:56Speaker 02

  Okay, fair enough. But I'm gonna, I think everybody should be doing this. So you cleanse. You don't wear makeup though, do you?

• 25:03Speaker 03

  I wear some makeup, but I wear tinted moisturiser.

• 25:07Speaker 02

  Okay, so maybe on a day if you've been doing TV or if you've had a bit more makeup on, you double cleanse.

• 25:13Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 25:14Speaker 02

  All right, I know, I know.

• 25:15Speaker 01

  Already, I'm already bored shitless. Come on.

• 25:17Speaker 02

  Because actually, if you cleanse and then you kind of wiped a wipe over, you've still got stuff there. So double cleanse, okay. And then you wanna be getting, I use like a little face mist first to like, then I fan it so that dries. And then I do my eye cream. Okay, sometimes a retinol because we are getting older. Retinol's a good one. And then I'll do vitamin C serum. Yep. And then I'll do a normal serum. And then I'll do either, and then, and then that's it really. Unless I've got a fat.

• 25:48Speaker 01

  Do you know what this is?

• 25:49Speaker 02

  I've got a neck, like a neck cream that it's got a roller on it, so I do that.

• 25:53Speaker 03

  I think I need a bit of that.

• 25:53Speaker 02

  Yeah. And then you do a lovely, really thick night moisturiser.

• 25:57Speaker 01

  Do you know what it is? It's the facial skincare equivalent of, you know, in Love Actually where Rowan Atkinson's,

• 26:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:05Speaker 01

  He's packing up, then he just wants to quickly buy the necklace for a bit on the side. He's like snapping fucking cinnamon sticks. It's just the work of a better moment, sir. It's that. It's when you think she's finished, another fucking thing comes out and she's rolling and she's spraying and just fuck.

• 26:20Speaker 03

  Do you ever put that thing on your face with the red light?

• 26:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, I've got one of them as well, actually.

• 26:25Speaker 03

  What does that do?

• 26:26Speaker 01

  Makes you know, it'll read your phone for 20 minutes.

• 26:30Speaker 01

  Fucking same note.

• 26:31Speaker 03

  Replace the blue light with the red light.

• 26:33Speaker 01

  It's terrifying. If you're in the house on your own and you've got the red light thing on, you, someone could come in the room and steal it.

• 26:37Speaker 02

  Oh yeah, you've got the eye one, haven't you?

• 26:38Speaker 01

  I got the eye one, yeah, it broke, but I got the eye one.

• 26:40Speaker 02

  I don't really know what it does, you know.

• 26:42Speaker 03

  So you just put it on?

• 26:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:43Speaker 03

  You just went, I'll put it on and I don't know what this does?

• 26:45Speaker 01

  No idea what it does.

• 26:45Speaker 02

  Kind of.

• 26:46Speaker 01

  No. No.

• 26:48Speaker 02

  And I thought, well, they sell it in the shops.

• 26:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:50Speaker 02

  Can't be that bad.

• 26:51Speaker 03

  Well, maybe. I think that's probably a decent metric to go by. Because it must have like.

• 26:55Speaker 01

  It sells cigarettes in the shops.

• 26:57Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, they do sell cigarettes.

• 26:58Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, we do. Oh, shit, they sell vapes in the shops.

• 27:01Speaker 03

  Do you, do you guys vape?

• 27:03Speaker 02

  No.

• 27:03Speaker 01

  Do you vape?

• 27:04Speaker 02

  Do you vape?

• 27:04Speaker 03

  No.

• 27:05Speaker 02

  No.

• 27:05Speaker 03

  Do you wanna start?

• 27:07Speaker 01

  Shall we start vaping? Shall we all just start now?

• 27:08Speaker 02

  Oh, don't, because I'm an ex, I smoked when I was younger.

• 27:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:11Speaker 02

  And I loved it.

• 27:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's good, isn't it?

• 27:14Speaker 02

  What, do you smoke?

• 27:16Speaker 03

  I used to smoke, yeah.

• 27:17Speaker 02

  Oh God, it's so good.

• 27:18Speaker 03

  But I got off it and.

• 27:19Speaker 01

  Well done.

• 27:20Speaker 03

  Thank you, actually.

• 27:21Speaker 01

  Hard to do.

• 27:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, it is hard to do.

• 27:23Speaker 01

  Especially in our industry.

• 27:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, because everyone smokes. I, I think it was, I had to like take loads of run-ups at it though, to kind of like disrupt the routine of it. And then it just got so, what, well, will I be telling you my butt cyst story?

• 27:38Speaker 01

  You can tell whatever you want.

• 27:39Speaker 02

  Butt cyst?

• 27:40Speaker 03

  Butt cyst. I got a butt cyst.

• 27:41Speaker 02

  A butt cyst? I love cysts.

• 27:43Speaker 01

  On your butt.

• 27:44Speaker 03

  Oh, butt cyst, yeah. I will be telling you my butt cyst story.

• 27:46Speaker 02

  Please do. I love, I love spots and cysts.

• 27:49Speaker 03

  I don't think I've ever told this on a podcast before, nor publicly.

• 27:53Speaker 01

  World exclusive.

• 27:54Speaker 03

  World exclusive. So when I was maybe.

• 27:57Speaker 01

  World exclusive.

• 27:58Speaker 03

  Oh, very good, thank you. See, I told you, it's a numbers game for you.

• 28:01Speaker 01

  It is, it is.

• 28:02Speaker 03

  You'll get something good at some point.

• 28:04Speaker 01

  I'm moving the needle, I'm moving the needle.

• 28:05Speaker 02

  This is why you're not my soulmate.

• 28:08Speaker 03

  If Steph was here now, she would have done an excellent pun about a cyst.

• 28:11Speaker 01

  Oh, Steph would have got a round of fucking applause.

• 28:13Speaker 02

  She's better than that. Right, sorry, come on. Tell us about your cyst.

• 28:17Speaker 03

  So, 25 years old, I'm working for, the job that I did whilst I was like trying to become a stand-up comedian was I worked for a homelessness charity.

• 28:25Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 28:26Speaker 03

  And I was incredibly unhealthy, eating lots, drinking lots, smoking lots. But we would, I would, we would have to go out and do these sort of like four hour shifts, where we'd walk around London trying to help homeless people. And then I'd spend like eight hours sat on my arse in the office. And in the course of this sort of unhealthiness, what I developed was something called a pyelidol sinus, which you, a pyelidol sinus you can be born with, which is basically where your tail used to be in an evolutionary aspect. Some people can be born with like a micro hole in just above their butt.

• 29:00Speaker 02

  My friend used to have this.

• 29:01Speaker 03

  Which probably still does, unless she got it removed.

• 29:03Speaker 02

  It was a man.

• 29:04Speaker 03

  It was a man.

• 29:04Speaker 02

  And it used to refill.

• 29:07Speaker 03

  Yes. It's a phenomenon. It's a sensation. It's sweeping the nation.

• 29:12Speaker 02

  Yep, yep, yep, yep. It fills back up.

• 29:15Speaker 03

  It fills back up.

• 29:15Speaker 02

  You've got to remove that sack.

• 29:17Speaker 03

  Well, my sack hasn't been removed because it would have been quite an invasive procedure.

• 29:22Speaker 02

  Right.

• 29:23Speaker 03

  You all right there?

• 29:23Speaker 01

  I can't. There's so much happening, but I don't want to interrupt you, but just keep going.

• 29:27Speaker 02

  I didn't know it was because it was like a tail.

• 29:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, because it used to be a tail.

• 29:31Speaker 02

  How?

• 29:31Speaker 03

  And what can happen is if you're a bit inactive, a bit sedentary, a bit unhealthy, a bit of grit.

• 29:38Speaker 02

  Gareth.

• 29:40Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm looking at you actually Gareth. I'm subtweeting you Gareth.

• 29:43Speaker 01

  Fucking name drop.

• 29:44Speaker 03

  Sorry, so fuck out Gareth.

• 29:46Speaker 02

  It was a long day ago. I think it'll be gone now.

• 29:50Speaker 01

  Gareth. Sorry, just when I thought that this story couldn't get any more uncomfortable.

• 29:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:56Speaker 01

  I'm 99% sure you just said the word grit.

• 30:00Speaker 03

  A bit of grit in my pyeloneidosinus.

• 30:02Speaker 02

  I've got a bit of grit in there.

• 30:03Speaker 03

  I've got a bit of grit.

• 30:05Speaker 01

  Got a bit of grit in there. What are we doing, sitting on the fucking driveway?

• 30:08Speaker 03

  Yeah. You know how dogs drag their butt across the floor? I was doing a lot of that at the time.

• 30:14Speaker 02

  Stop. Right. You're sedentary.

• 30:18Speaker 03

  I get a bit of grit in my pyeloneidosinus.

• 30:20Speaker 02

  Oh, right. So that's real?

• 30:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:22Speaker 02

  Oh no, I thought that was a... What?

• 30:24Speaker 03

  I don't know. Just like general grit, just around the place.

• 30:27Speaker 02

  Didn't you play football though?

• 30:30Speaker 03

  No, I was doing slide tackles and then got a bit of grit in my pyeloneidosinus. I don't get why this bit is the bit that you're struggling with.

• 30:36Speaker 01

  It's the word grit that I've got such upset with.

• 30:38Speaker 03

  Like you walk around, I mean like a bit of dust.

• 30:41Speaker 02

  Something.

• 30:41Speaker 03

  Just like a bit of like, you know, you walk around the place and there's bits of air.

• 30:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:46Speaker 03

  There's bits of shit in the air.

• 30:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:48Speaker 03

  That got right up my pyeloneidosinus. So anyway.

• 30:52Speaker 01

  The finger point that Chloe just did was aggressive.

• 30:56Speaker 03

  Right up my pyeloneidosinus.

• 30:57Speaker 02

  Right up there in your pyeloneidosinus.

• 30:59Speaker 03

  So anyway, and please, please always stop for questions. I don't want to tell this as a linear story. We can go and divagu.

• 31:06Speaker 02

  Oh, we will. The IDHD.

• 31:08Speaker 03

  But I know, I know where we're going back to.

• 31:10Speaker 02

  Okay, good.

• 31:11Speaker 01

  I said grit there by the way, not grit.

• 31:14Speaker 03

  Grit. So anyway, this can be fine if you get a bit of grit in your pyeloneidosinus. However, if you're like unhealthy or sedentary or something like that, it can get a bit infected. And then what happened was my pyeloneidosinus grit got infected.

• 31:30Speaker 02

  Oh god. Chris will not, he's got his.

• 31:32Speaker 01

  Grit's written down. Sorry.

• 31:35Speaker 03

  And then, so then I've got this butt cyst essentially.

• 31:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:38Speaker 03

  So I go to the doctor and I say, babe, go, you know, is that a cyst on my butt or am I, you just pleased to see me?

• 31:47Speaker 03

  And the doctor says, that's, that's a butt cyst, yeah.

• 31:53Speaker 02

  So the doctor didn't use the pyeloneidosinus or whatever it's called.

• 31:56Speaker 01

  They said butt cyst.

• 31:57Speaker 03

  They said butt cyst, yeah. You've got an absolute butt cyst.

• 32:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. I imagine the doctor was in the same back lane where you got the grit in it, but yeah.

• 32:04Speaker 03

  So many people have turned off this off.

• 32:06Speaker 02

  No, they love it.

• 32:07Speaker 01

  No, they love it. They love it. We love it.

• 32:09Speaker 03

  But people will get triggered by butt cysts. I think the way that you get triggered by food around the mouth.

• 32:13Speaker 01

  So are we talking about, are we talking about like a cyst?

• 32:16Speaker 03

  So I never, I never saw it because it was back there and I was too scared to look at it. But my mum and my best friend Jodie, the aforementioned Jodie.

• 32:24Speaker 02

  Soulmate?

• 32:25Speaker 03

  Soulmate, yeah. I think so, yeah. They have pictures of it. So maybe for this podcast, we could release the pic.

• 32:34Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 32:35Speaker 03

  So I go away and then they say, we'll get you on some antibiotics. If it doesn't go down, then you're going to have to go to hospital.

• 32:41Speaker 02

  I've got a question.

• 32:42Speaker 03

  Please.

• 32:45Speaker 02

  If you were my soulmate friend.

• 32:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 32:47Speaker 02

  I would have squeezed the shit out of that butt cyst.

• 32:50Speaker 03

  We would, we would, there was, I'm a big squeezer. I love spots. Dr Pimple Popper is Bay.

• 32:58Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 32:58Speaker 03

  I love Dr Pimple Popper. My YouTube algorithm, I would dread for you to see it.

• 33:03Speaker 02

  Shocking.

• 33:04Speaker 03

  Pop, pop, pop, pop.

• 33:05Speaker 02

  Pop, pop, blackheads all day long.

• 33:07Speaker 03

  But this was sort of one of the, like it was a mound and it needed to be cut to get it.

• 33:13Speaker 01

  Cheating. I don't like it when they cut them. I don't like it when they use that little singular hole punch thing where they're just gnawing it with a circle and then they go at it.

• 33:19Speaker 03

  Commodore extractor. Oh no, you're thinking of a different one.

• 33:22Speaker 02

  No, you're right. No, that's what it's called. Commodore extractor.

• 33:24Speaker 01

  Wow, good. Thank you.

• 33:26Speaker 03

  So anyway, I have to, long story short, I go to hospital, but I couldn't stand up. I couldn't sit down. So the way I had to get to hospital was I couldn't go like in an Uber to hospital because I couldn't sit down. So I had to go on the bus and sort of just squat on the bus. One of the worst journeys of my life.

• 33:43Speaker 01

  God.

• 33:43Speaker 03

  I go to the hospital and.

• 33:45Speaker 02

  Did it smell? Sorry.

• 33:50Speaker 03

  Hard, but hard in general.

• 33:52Speaker 01

  How was the mood of the bus? Was it hot day?

• 33:54Speaker 03

  I don't think it smelled.

• 33:55Speaker 01

  Were you festering the bus out?

• 33:56Speaker 02

  But infections do smell.

• 33:58Speaker 03

  But I think if, once you cut into it, it's.

• 34:00Speaker 02

  Okay, so it didn't smell. I just need to get the full thing. Sorry, you're on the bus squatting.

• 34:03Speaker 03

  I'm on the bus squatting. I get to.

• 34:06Speaker 02

  Hospital.

• 34:06Speaker 03

  Hospital, go through the whole rigmarole.

• 34:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 34:08Speaker 03

  Now, you'll remember, we were talking about me giving up smoking. And at this point, I hadn't been smoking for about two weeks. And every time, so I eventually got put in a bed, butt up, couldn't lie down on my front of, on my back of course. And every time a nurse would come over, they have to ask you, what's your name? What's your date of birth? So they can verify that they're giving you the right treatment. And then they ask like more sort of like procedural questions like, do you smoke? And they said, do you smoke? And it was all of these like incredibly beautiful nurses that would come over, ask if I smoked. And when I said I hadn't been smoking for two weeks, they'd go, that's amazing. Well done.

• 34:45Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 34:46Speaker 03

  So I'm like thinking, you know, I'm butt cyst start thinking they're absolutely cracking on with me.

• 34:53Speaker 03

  But what, my mum was there and I was like laying there like screaming at it, like with the pain of my butt cyst. And the nurse would come over and we'd have a chat and then my mum would just go, she's nice. Mum, stop wing manning me in the hospital.

• 35:08Speaker 02

  No, you're not going to meet the love of your life with a butt cyst.

• 35:11Speaker 03

  Not with a butt cyst.

• 35:11Speaker 02

  I do, I mean, I wish, did you?

• 35:13Speaker 01

  Although can I just say, the love of your life, a soulmate will see past the butt cyst.

• 35:18Speaker 02

  Actually, yeah.

• 35:19Speaker 03

  Steph would see past your butt cyst.

• 35:21Speaker 02

  Steph would have took me to hospital.

• 35:22Speaker 03

  But the, um, the, um.

• 35:25Speaker 01

  That would have made you squat on the bus, you fucking Judas. Turncoat.

• 35:29Speaker 03

  So the last thing I'll say, well, that, that sort of encouraged me to give up smoking.

• 35:33Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 35:34Speaker 03

  But the last thing I'll say is, as I went down into, I've probably done a few bits of television at this point. And as I went down to get my butt cyst removed, the last thing my mum said to me was, oh, I wonder if any of the doctors will recognise you. So that's obviously in my head. And then they give me the, what is it that puts you under?

• 35:53Speaker 02

  Anesthetic, not gesticulate, like the anesthetic.

• 35:58Speaker 01

  It must be bad if they put you under.

• 36:00Speaker 02

  God, yeah, shit.

• 36:01Speaker 03

  The worst butt cyst of my life.

• 36:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 36:03Speaker 03

  So they put me under and I like go under and then they remove the butt cyst. And then as I'm like waking up, I like panic because I don't know where I am. And the last thing that was in my head was, I wonder if they'll recognise you. And the first thing they say is, Chloe, Chloe, like wake up, wake up. And I thought that they didn't, they knew my name because they were recognising me because I'm a stand-up comedian. So I just sat bolt upright and shouted, I am not a stand-up comedian!

• 36:36Speaker 03

  And none of them knew that I was a stand-up comedian. They were all like, what the fuck has happened to this person? It's never done that before.

• 36:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, yep, yep, yep. Oh my god.

• 36:46Speaker 01

  That's amazing.

• 36:47Speaker 03

  Yeah. But that's why I quit smoking.

• 36:48Speaker 01

  Oh, I'm terrified.

• 36:49Speaker 02

  That's why you quit smoking.

• 36:50Speaker 01

  Terrified of going on down that stage. I've never had to do it, mate. Never had to do it. Scared of it.

• 36:55Speaker 03

  Really?

• 36:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, because I feel like you'd be like, am I coming back? Am I going to come back for me?

• 36:59Speaker 02

  It is scary actually.

• 37:00Speaker 01

  Just, just, just to wrap this up in a neat little ball, there's still a hole there.

• 37:04Speaker 03

  There's still a hole there.

• 37:05Speaker 01

  How are you keeping it grit free?

• 37:07Speaker 03

  Every hose a girl.

• 37:10Speaker 03

  People are absolutely trying to go up my pyeloneidosinus.

• 37:13Speaker 02

  If you're getting fingered in that fucking pyeloneidos.

• 37:20Speaker 02

  I'm bringing social services.

• 37:22Speaker 01

  You're bringing social services. Chloe's an adult.

• 37:26Speaker 02

  It's just wrong because it's wrong. You can't get fingered in your butt cyst.

• 37:31Speaker 03

  If you get fingered in your pyeloneidosinus, I'm calling the RS PC.

• 37:44Speaker 04

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• 38:13Speaker 01

  So, me and Rosie have both been on Taskmaster. Loved it. Genuinely, one of the best things I've ever done on telly. Probably the best. I think you'd probably agree.

• 38:22Speaker 02

  I think, yeah, it's the most fun I've had on telly.

• 38:24Speaker 01

  How did you find it?

• 38:25Speaker 03

  I loved it. It was amazing. It was so funny because I was so nervous going into it because obviously like I was coming in as the like, the kind of the new person, the kind of upstart, I guess. And I had this real sense of, like, everyone loves this show and I don't want to let it down. And also like, I'm a fan of the show.

• 38:47Speaker 01

  I agree.

• 38:48Speaker 03

  So I feel like a real representative of this community that love this show. And everyone loves it partially because you get to think, you get to think, what would I do in this situation? And now I have that opportunity, I'm like, well, I don't want to let anyone down. But the genius of Taskmaster is that the first thing, the first person that you encounter is Chrissie, the makeup lady.

• 39:13Speaker 02

  Oh, I love Chrissie.

• 39:15Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:16Speaker 02

  Love Chrissie.

• 39:16Speaker 03

  I will never stop shouting that woman out. She's so kind and so funny.

• 39:19Speaker 02

  She's gorgeous.

• 39:20Speaker 03

  And I think-

• 39:20Speaker 02

  She really looks after you during them tasks.

• 39:23Speaker 03

  Totally.

• 39:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Love Chrissie.

• 39:24Speaker 03

  And I think that they deliberately make her your first port of call, particularly the newer people. She just knows how to look after you. And she, she just, she sat me down and I was really nervous before my first task in the house on my first day. And she was like, you are going to go in there so nervous on the first task, but I promise you what happens is you'll forget about your nerves within seconds because you'll get so excited and you'll start concentrating on the task. And then as soon as you come back out, you'll have forgotten about your nerves and you'll just be like, get me back in there. I want to have another go.

• 39:56Speaker 01

  Brilliant.

• 39:57Speaker 03

  And she was exactly right. And that's why the show works is because it sets it up in such a way that it stops all of that inner monologue that you would usually have in all other television going, am I being funny enough? Can I get my joke in? Someone's cut across me. Oh dear. All of that goes out the window and you just get to be yourself.

• 40:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:18Speaker 03

  So I loved it. And then obviously the studios are like a slightly different kettle of fish and like, you have to ease in and get used to it.

• 40:24Speaker 01

  What I loved about the studios was you get to go there and see your tasks for the first time and you're so excited. Normally you hate watching yourself back.

• 40:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 40:31Speaker 01

  I don't know about you, but I can't bear watching myself back on anything.

• 40:33Speaker 03

  Yeah, I hate watching you too, yeah.

• 40:37Speaker 01

  But I was so excited to watch me stuff back and see how it went. And then you've got all the other contestants there and you're like, oh my God, I get to watch how they attacked it all. And the beauty of seeing, I remember on my series, we had to do this one thing where we were in this massive barn. It was a singular task. It wasn't a team task, massive barn. And there was loads of plastic cups piled up everywhere, like beer pong cups.

• 40:59Speaker 03

  I think I remember this, yeah.

• 41:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. And you had to, you were only allowed to leave the barn, go in and out the barn twice or three times. And you had to make a cup snake, the longest cup snake it could possibly make. And it was a really short like time limit.

• 41:09Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:10Speaker 01

  And when I finally did a group task, it was just me and Ardl O'Hanlon, who I loved Ardl for years, you know, Father Ted the Lot. The first fucking words he ever said to me, he literally just went, I went, hi mate, lovely to meet you. He went, how long was your cup snake?

• 41:25Speaker 01

  First thing he said, how long was your cup snake? And Andy Devonshire and everyone and Alex all at the, they went, whoa, whoa, you can't discuss it, you can't discuss it. First thing he said. You don't care, you don't care. You just want to know how did you-

• 41:35Speaker 03

  How long was your cup snake?

• 41:36Speaker 01

  I was proud of how I did that. How the fuck did you do? It's great.

• 41:39Speaker 02

  I realise how thick I am though.

• 41:41Speaker 03

  Really?

• 41:42Speaker 02

  Did you not, oh God, do you know what? Some of them, the way I could see Alex, he's such a lovely man, but I could tell. And some of them, when he was describing it to us, he was really pissed off with us.

• 41:52Speaker 03

  Really?

• 41:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, like, I was like, God.

• 41:54Speaker 03

  Because you just weren't getting it.

• 41:54Speaker 02

  Because I just wasn't getting it. And I could tell he was like, right, okay. And then I thought, I'm annoying you. Because what I do though, I've got a horrible trait-

• 42:04Speaker 01

  You've got to be a fucking idiot to break Alex Horn, like.

• 42:05Speaker 02

  I know, but I've got a horrible trait of like, I'll just, I'll go, oh, yeah, yeah, ah, yeah. And I'm not listening at all. Like, I'm not, I'm not taking it in.

• 42:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 42:14Speaker 02

  And so he would say it-

• 42:15Speaker 03

  Yeah, I've noticed that quite a few times.

• 42:17Speaker 01

  One of the things, Rosie will, if just a little for a second, I'm so sorry.

• 42:21Speaker 02

  In and out.

• 42:21Speaker 01

  But Rosie, you've got, she's got a thing where she thinks if she asks too many times, it's rude and she's going to upset you. So she'll just pretend, yeah, I understand. And be like, oh my God, I didn't understand, but I didn't want to look stupid. I didn't want to upset this person. And then actually, in the long run, it'd upset him a lot more.

• 42:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:36Speaker 03

  But that's a good, that's great for Taskmaster.

• 42:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:39Speaker 02

  I mean, I loved it and I love Alex. He's great. So, yeah.

• 42:42Speaker 01

  Right. Now, Chloe, you have got a story for us to read out. Please, please go for it.

• 42:48Speaker 03

  And do you know what? I'm quite a talented reader.

• 42:52Speaker 02

  Oh, good.

• 42:52Speaker 03

  Yeah, this is, I know why you've got me on.

• 42:55Speaker 02

  I feel like you said it now though, you might fuck it up.

• 42:57Speaker 03

  Dear, dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. Now, I've read this. I don't know why they want to be kept anonymous. I would be very proud of this.

• 43:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, and sometimes it's like, I called my teacher a pig. Keep me anonymous, okay?

• 43:13Speaker 03

  Cool. It's the same energy as like, when someone tells you a story and then they goes, don't put that in your stand up. And I go, I won't. That was the most boring thing I've ever had in my life.

• 43:30Speaker 02

  I've never heard anyone actually say it before. I love that so much. Yeah, oh God, no, never would. No, it was shit, actually.

• 43:38Speaker 03

  No, I won't. I hate you.

• 43:43Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 43:43Speaker 02

  Oh, I love it.

• 43:44Speaker 03

  But this is interesting.

• 43:45Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 43:45Speaker 03

  Please let that be placed on record.

• 43:47Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 43:47Speaker 03

  I was recently hanging out with my boyfriend. We were getting ready for bed when he said that something had happened to him that morning at the, I've got nervous about my reading now.

• 43:56Speaker 02

  Don't be, it's fine. You've got a lovely voice.

• 43:58Speaker 01

  You bigged it up far too much. Heavy, you know, really front loaded it and-

• 44:02Speaker 03

  Now I'm shitting the bed.

• 44:03Speaker 01

  We're going to be very critical now.

• 44:04Speaker 02

  Where are you from, by the way?

• 44:05Speaker 03

  Kent.

• 44:05Speaker 02

  Nice.

• 44:07Speaker 03

  Why'd you ask?

• 44:08Speaker 02

  I just couldn't place you. I couldn't, I couldn't place the accent.

• 44:12Speaker 03

  My accent's gone through a few, like, through a few different things. So it started very Essex, then I went to a posh uni and then it sort of settled down into this.

• 44:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, okay, let's go.

• 44:22Speaker 02

  It's lovely, I'm just asking.

• 44:23Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 44:25Speaker 02

  Don't put that in your stand up. Where are you from?

• 44:29Speaker 01

  What's your voice doing? Where's it from?

• 44:30Speaker 03

  Why do you sound like that?

• 44:32Speaker 02

  No, we're not going to interrupt them anymore.

• 44:33Speaker 03

  I was recently hanging out with my boyfriend. We were getting ready for bed when he said that something had happened to him that morning. At the time, he swore he would take it to his grave, but he desperately wanted to share it with me. He went on to tell me that that very morning, he had gone to the toilet and he'd taken a shit.

• 44:48Speaker 02

  A big shit, okay.

• 44:49Speaker 03

  A big one. Nothing majorly new there, but still, he felt it was worth telling me. Now, in the Netherlands, and you're going to love this, Chris, now-

• 44:58Speaker 02

  The police, not the-

• 45:00Speaker 01

  Not the Netherlands.

• 45:03Speaker 01

  Netherlands. The country.

• 45:08Speaker 01

  Is this, because, because we don't trust your reading?

• 45:12Speaker 02

  So I thought it might have been a little cheeky little name for penis.

• 45:16Speaker 03

  They're actually in the Netherlands.

• 45:18Speaker 02

  No, they're from, they live in the Netherlands. Okay, right.

• 45:24Speaker 02

  Do you see why Alex Horn was really upset?

• 45:28Speaker 01

  You're dealing with two of them.

• 45:28Speaker 03

  Oh, I thought you were doing a joke, but that was a genuine question. Not, not the Netherlands, is it?

• 45:33Speaker 02

  Oh no, that was not a joke. I am not, I am not a stand up. I am stupid.

• 45:37Speaker 03

  I'm not a stand up.

• 45:38Speaker 01

  I was doing a joke.

• 45:39Speaker 03

  I'm very serious. But you were doing a joke because you're a very funny boy.

• 45:42Speaker 01

  Thank you very much.

• 45:43Speaker 02

  No, they live in the Netherlands.

• 45:45Speaker 03

  Holland, Dutch, not the Netherlands. Our toilets have a sort of shelf.

• 45:53Speaker 02

  Oh, for cocaine.

• 45:54Speaker 03

  No, I don't think so.

• 46:01Speaker 03

  So.

• 46:07Speaker 03

  I'm going to read the rest of the story and you'll understand why that's fucking-

• 46:10Speaker 02

  Okay, all right, okay, all right.

• 46:12Speaker 03

  Our toilets have a sort of shelf.

• 46:14Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 46:15Speaker 03

  My boyfriend, okay, so it doesn't actually explain, but what you've assumed is there's like a shelf on top of the toilet where you'd be doing cocaine. But I think what they mean is there's a shelf in the pan.

• 46:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Horrible. Yeah, we, some of our toilets in the house have got a shelf, a stain collector. It's the worst.

• 46:31Speaker 02

  Oh, the skinny fucking runway, yeah.

• 46:34Speaker 03

  Imagine doing cocaine off the shelf.

• 46:36Speaker 02

  Off the toilet, inside the shelf.

• 46:37Speaker 03

  That's why it's a funny image.

• 46:38Speaker 01

  Inside the toilet.

• 46:40Speaker 03

  I can't imagine what this shelf looks like.

• 46:42Speaker 01

  So if you're looking at the toilet from the side.

• 46:43Speaker 02

  I don't think you're talking about our toilets. I think this is, they specifically must have like a full on shelf.

• 46:49Speaker 03

  It's a Dutch shelf.

• 46:50Speaker 01

  So it goes like, from the front of the toilet here, it goes down and then along and then into the water. There's like a little bit.

• 46:56Speaker 03

  But why is there sort of like a holding bag?

• 46:58Speaker 01

  I don't know. It's terrible. It's, if you hit that, you're out with the toilet brush all day. It's an absolute nightmare.

• 47:02Speaker 03

  The turd presentation.

• 47:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly that. I hate it. Some of our toilets have got it. And I say some because we live in the north and we've got a few toilets. Move to the north, guys.

• 47:12Speaker 03

  They're all outside.

• 47:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly. I walked right into that one.

• 47:21Speaker 03

  We call them the water closet. Sorry, I'm, I think very well of the north. Please let that be placed on record.

• 47:28Speaker 01

  We are totally, we get it.

• 47:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:30Speaker 02

  We love it.

• 47:31Speaker 03

  Bradford, not so sure, but the rest of the north, lovely.

• 47:33Speaker 01

  I love all of the place. And I'm Bradford soon. I'll see you there. Tickets on chris ramsay comedy dot com.

• 47:37Speaker 03

  I don't think I'm going there on tour, so I uphold my opinion. So my boyfriend was so shocked, so the turd stops on the shelf.

• 47:47Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 47:47Speaker 03

  My boyfriend was so shocked by the size of his turd that he managed to use a measuring app on his phone to figure out how big it was. Now, I don't know what that measuring app is going to look like. Is it, is it going to be like, you know, when you see people, like those men in the street with like a tripod and then a red light?

• 48:04Speaker 01

  Like a quantity sever?

• 48:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, like a quantity sever measuring the distance of the turd.

• 48:08Speaker 01

  So I have used one of these measuring apps before when I didn't have a tape measure. And I was measuring, I think, a wardrobe or a space where a wardrobe would go. And they're, they're all, they're quite, they're quite reliable. They're not, I used two of them and they gave us two different, but they were within a couple of centimetres of each other. Yeah, so.

• 48:25Speaker 03

  So how long do you think this big turd was?

• 48:30Speaker 01

  Is that where we're at? Is that where we're at? I'm taking, we're both mumbling is that where we're at, but we both want to get this right.

• 48:36Speaker 02

  What metric system do they have in the Netherlands?

• 48:38Speaker 01

  Well, they've got the metric system. It's Europe.

• 48:39Speaker 03

  I've got, I've got, I've got centimetres and I've got inches.

• 48:43Speaker 01

  Oh my God, we've got both.

• 48:44Speaker 02

  I work in centimetres.

• 48:45Speaker 01

  I am going to work in inches and I am going to say-

• 48:47Speaker 03

  And that's why you work together so beautifully.

• 48:49Speaker 01

  That's why we do it.

• 48:50Speaker 03

  The ying, the yang.

• 48:51Speaker 02

  Why do you work in inches?

• 48:52Speaker 01

  Um, because I'm just going to work in inches.

• 48:54Speaker 02

  Why do you think? Surely you're centimetres?

• 48:55Speaker 03

  Why do you think? He's not going to go, he wouldn't have gone on a dating app and said it's, you know, it's 10 centimetres long.

• 49:02Speaker 01

  10 centimetres, yeah. I normally do millimetres because it's more numbers. Sounds good. Yeah. You get up to three figures if you're lucky.

• 49:10Speaker 02

  Don't you slag off.

• 49:13Speaker 01

  I'm going to say it was-

• 49:16Speaker 01

  Thirteen inches.

• 49:18Speaker 02

  That's wild. That's disgusting.

• 49:21Speaker 01

  I'm telling you, it was thirteen inches.

• 49:22Speaker 02

  That's longer than-

• 49:23Speaker 01

  They've written a fucking email about it. It's not gonna be a little-

• 49:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, but your actual intestines aren't that long, I don't think.

• 49:29Speaker 01

  Yes, they are. They can literally stretch them down a street. Or you read a fucking book.

• 49:37Speaker 03

  Read a book to learn that you can stretch your intestines down the street.

• 49:40Speaker 02

  Thank you. Okay, I'm gonna, no, I'm gonna say-

• 49:45Speaker 02

  I just go-

• 49:45Speaker 03

  That's about thirteen inches.

• 49:48Speaker 01

  She's literally put thirteen inches out on her fingers.

• 49:50Speaker 02

  No, listen.

• 49:51Speaker 01

  Almost to the fucking-

• 49:52Speaker 02

  Shut up. Shut up.

• 49:53Speaker 03

  Get your measuring app on and see how long that was.

• 49:55Speaker 02

  I just live by the thirty centimetre ruler. That's everything I ever measure.

• 49:59Speaker 01

  One inch less than-

• 50:00Speaker 02

  I start off with a thirty centimetre ruler like at school. It can't be that long. That's gross. I'm gonna say like half of that.

• 50:07Speaker 01

  Six inches, you think?

• 50:08Speaker 02

  No, twenty centimetres.

• 50:11Speaker 01

  That's not it.

• 50:14Speaker 02

  Oh, go fuck yourself.

• 50:15Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 50:16Speaker 03

  Twenty-eight centimetres long.

• 50:18Speaker 02

  Shit, the bed.

• 50:18Speaker 03

  Eleven inches. Eleven inches.

• 50:21Speaker 02

  That's disgusting. That's a ruler. It's a fucking ruler.

• 50:24Speaker 03

  Do you think it went, well, so it was on the shelf, do you think it curled? Like a dog?

• 50:28Speaker 01

  That's unbelievable. The app couldn't have measured it for curls. Come on, guys.

• 50:31Speaker 03

  No, the app couldn't have.

• 50:31Speaker 01

  It's got to have been straight.

• 50:33Speaker 03

  How big would the shelf be?

• 50:35Speaker 02

  This is, what? This is wild. What do they, what do they eat in the Netherlands?

• 50:39Speaker 03

  I've, I've got close to an eleven inch before, and I bet you have as well.

• 50:43Speaker 01

  Have you never had one that stands up?

• 50:44Speaker 02

  Shit, you got close to an eleven inch?

• 50:46Speaker 01

  You've never had one that stands up out of the water and you flush it and the water just recedes around it and comes back on and doesn't move?

• 50:50Speaker 03

  You just think that is fantastic.

• 50:52Speaker 02

  You are tall. You are tall, though.

• 50:55Speaker 03

  I've got a lot of-

• 50:56Speaker 01

  You are tall.

• 50:57Speaker 02

  No, you are tall.

• 50:58Speaker 03

  I've got a lot of intestine to get round.

• 50:59Speaker 01

  So much intestine.

• 51:00Speaker 02

  Isn't it so great?

• 51:01Speaker 01

  Close goes down two streets.

• 51:03Speaker 03

  Thank you. Thank you for saying that. My shit goes down two.

• 51:06Speaker 01

  No, your intestines.

• 51:06Speaker 03

  Have you ever had a double flush? I'm mainly, I'm mainly looking to my bro on this one. A double flush.

• 51:11Speaker 02

  Just like, cause it's that big?

• 51:12Speaker 03

  Well, you know it's that big, you go, I better go, I better flush halfway through it, just in case.

• 51:16Speaker 01

  Oh, drop and flush. Love a drop and flush. Love a drop and flush.

• 51:19Speaker 03

  Drop and flush, flush, another drop.

• 51:20Speaker 01

  If I'm trying to not smell, I'll drop and flush.

• 51:24Speaker 03

  Sorry.

• 51:25Speaker 02

  No, I'm trying to relate. I'm not like a dainty princess with little shits. Like, I can, I can shit like the rest of them. Do you know what I mean? I can, I'll come. Mine are, mine are quite sloppy.

• 51:36Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 51:37Speaker 02

  I think I've got IBS issues. I talk about it quite a lot. Um, so it's been a while since I had a stretchy long one. Hard.

• 51:45Speaker 03

  Okay, well, I hope that that's in your future for you, because it's very pleasurable. I feel like I'm now like, um, Parkinson or something. Now, I've got these. I'm like-

• 51:52Speaker 02

  I know.

• 51:52Speaker 03

  Tell me more about your shits.

• 51:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, sloppy, sloppy dubby.

• 51:54Speaker 01

  This is absolutely, this was, this is, this was his main line of questioning, apparently. They had to cut it from all the shows and then ask about people's lives and childhoods, but it was mainly, he was obsessed with shit, apparently.

• 52:03Speaker 02

  Well, we all do it, so why not talk about it?

• 52:05Speaker 03

  I, um, recently, world exclusive this.

• 52:09Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 52:09Speaker 01

  Oh, my god, I've got two.

• 52:10Speaker 03

  I've recently found out that I've got anaemia, so I've been on the iron tablets, and that's really done a number on my shits.

• 52:16Speaker 01

  Black.

• 52:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 52:17Speaker 03

  Black.

• 52:17Speaker 02

  You're an aemic.

• 52:19Speaker 03

  I'm anemic. I'm anemic, but everyone was like, you're gonna be constipated. I was like, it's the absolute opposite for me.

• 52:25Speaker 01

  Really?

• 52:26Speaker 03

  Just absolutely shooting out black shits.

• 52:29Speaker 02

  Oh, my god.

• 52:31Speaker 01

  God almighty.

• 52:33Speaker 03

  There's something about you two that just makes me so lowbrow.

• 52:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, thank you.

• 52:38Speaker 02

  Sorry. Welcome, welcome to the absolute scum, scum of the world.

• 52:42Speaker 01

  Look, everyone's, we all do it, you're right, we all do, we all like talking about monkey stuff. I don't know what everyone's problem is.

• 52:47Speaker 02

  Oh, we're seven years in. If you don't like talking about shit or hearing about shit, they're left.

• 52:51Speaker 03

  It's the wrong podcast.

• 52:52Speaker 02

  They've gone. Like, we've, we've weeded out. They're gone.

• 52:55Speaker 03

  The real ones are here.

• 52:56Speaker 02

  But we have to go. I could talk about butt sists and shit.

• 53:00Speaker 03

  I could talk with you forever. Do you wanna go for dinner or something?

• 53:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:03Speaker 03

  What a lovely thing to say.

• 53:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:05Speaker 02

  Do you know how many friends I've made off this podcast? And I'm not even joking.

• 53:08Speaker 03

  Name, number, Steph? Was she one of them?

• 53:10Speaker 02

  No, just like actual, I was like two friends, actually. It's not even that many.

• 53:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's actually embarrassing.

• 53:19Speaker 03

  How, name, which ones?

• 53:21Speaker 02

  Um, Stevie Martin did Taskmaster over there.

• 53:24Speaker 03

  Isn't she the best?

• 53:24Speaker 02

  Went Edinburgh Fringe. Love her so much. Fatier, who I did Taskmaster with, went to the Fringe, love her.

• 53:30Speaker 01

  Two friends off Taskmaster, not this podcast.

• 53:31Speaker 02

  Joanne McNally came on the podcast, and now we're theatre buddies, who we go to shows together. Yeah, we do. We go to theatre together.

• 53:38Speaker 01

  Ask me how many friends I've made from this podcast.

• 53:40Speaker 03

  How many?

• 53:40Speaker 01

  None. Got enough friends, mate.

• 53:43Speaker 03

  No, but that's what-

• 53:44Speaker 01

  Made four friends when I was growing up.

• 53:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:46Speaker 01

  Lock the door.

• 53:46Speaker 03

  You're a man.

• 53:47Speaker 01

  Kick the ladder down, shut the hatch.

• 53:49Speaker 02

  It's really sad, isn't it?

• 53:50Speaker 01

  Do not try and be my mate.

• 53:51Speaker 02

  I love making friends, mate.

• 53:52Speaker 03

  I like making friends as well, yeah. I find it very, I'm gonna, I'm gonna befriend you.

• 53:56Speaker 01

  Good luck.

• 53:57Speaker 02

  Why not me? Why him? He's a shitcrack.

• 53:59Speaker 03

  You're easy. We're already mates.

• 54:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're easy.

• 54:03Speaker 02

  Okay, I think-

• 54:03Speaker 03

  But I'm gonna befriend you. We're gonna go for a pint. Footy? You like footy, don't you?

• 54:06Speaker 02

  He doesn't like football.

• 54:08Speaker 01

  Don't like footy.

• 54:08Speaker 03

  Music theatre.

• 54:09Speaker 01

  Keep trying.

• 54:09Speaker 03

  Gym. I see in the gym.

• 54:11Speaker 01

  Yeah?

• 54:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, well, we'll make some joy weeks.

• 54:13Speaker 02

  No, golf, do you like golf? You like golf?

• 54:14Speaker 01

  Got me on gym.

• 54:15Speaker 03

  Do you wanna play golf together?

• 54:16Speaker 02

  And Lego.

• 54:16Speaker 03

  I'll play golf with you.

• 54:17Speaker 01

  Shut up, you play golf.

• 54:18Speaker 03

  I'm not very good at it, but I'll play with you.

• 54:19Speaker 01

  I'm not playing with me then. You gotta be good.

• 54:21Speaker 02

  What can we do together?

• 54:23Speaker 03

  Um, knitting.

• 54:24Speaker 02

  No, I'm not girly.

• 54:25Speaker 03

  Oh, okay. Um, all right, then, fighting. Going out in the town and fighting.

• 54:29Speaker 02

  We'll get pissed and we'll, because we're ex-smokers, we'll get really pissed and we'll have a tab together outside.

• 54:34Speaker 03

  Shall we?

• 54:35Speaker 02

  And I might vomit, because the last time I had a cigarette when I was drunk, I was just sick.

• 54:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:40Speaker 01

  Good.

• 54:41Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:41Speaker 01

  Well, hope you get a couple of butt sists, you fucking dicks.

• 54:44Speaker 02

  We've got, we've got to go. We're getting the, we're getting the-

• 54:45Speaker 03

  You're allowed to come as well. You just don't wanna.

• 54:47Speaker 01

  I'm not coming. I won't make any more friends.

• 54:49Speaker 03

  You've got your four friends.

• 54:49Speaker 01

  I won't make any more friends. I refuse to make any more friends. I think everyone's wasting time.

• 54:52Speaker 02

  Guys, we've gotta go. I don't wanna play anymore.

• 54:54Speaker 01

  Right, that's- Clear as a pail of pepper. Thank you so much.

• 54:57Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 54:57Speaker 03

  I've loved it. I've loved it.

• 55:09Speaker 00

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