The Fringe, a curse, and is there a Lavender Marriage on the cards?

On this week's Shagged Married Annoyed Rosie reports back from The Fringe and she shares some thoughts about her identity and her 40th Birthday! Chris gives a guide to packing shopping and the pair share the concerns over Escooters! They also discuss curses, dentists, a mugging and working class parents. All of this plus beefs, questions from the public and a voicemail with a mistaken allergy! If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch! 📧: [email protected] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Coming up on this week's episode of Shag Married Annoyed.

• 0:02Speaker 01

  I've been to the Fringe.

• 0:03Speaker 00

  Been to the Fringe and she doesn't stop talking about it. She wasn't performing, she was just watching.

• 0:06Speaker 01

  So cultured.

• 0:08Speaker 00

  There it is. We slag off e-scooters.

• 0:10Speaker 01

  Hate them.

• 0:10Speaker 00

  Ovs.

• 0:11Speaker 01

  Kids in supermarkets.

• 0:12Speaker 00

  Ooh, bit of a chat about that. We discover an incredible thing you can buy on Etsy.

• 0:16Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm. We've got our beefs, questions and voice notes from you gorgeous lot.

• 0:21Speaker 00

  Enjoy.

• 0:23Speaker 02

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• 0:53Speaker 01

  Hello, you are listening. Sorry, sorry.

• 0:56Speaker 00

  What?

• 0:56Speaker 01

  What the fuck? You can't break. We normally come down from three and you come down from five.

• 1:00Speaker 00

  I just want to give you a longer running.

• 1:01Speaker 01

  Completely threw us off and I forgot what I'm saying.

• 1:03Speaker 00

  Really?

• 1:03Speaker 01

  But welcome to the podcast. We're so happy to have you back as always.

• 1:06Speaker 00

  Imagine that. Imagine the podcast starts with me being immediately told off for giving you more of a running to do the thing that you forgot how to do anyway.

• 1:12Speaker 01

  You never go five, four. You always just go three.

• 1:13Speaker 00

  So I've been doing, me and Rafe play on the trampoline. Honestly, one of my, I don't mean to sound like Dad or you're here, but one of my favourite things at the minute is playing on the trampoline with Rafe just before bath and shower time.

• 1:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:22Speaker 00

  And we'll do a thing called Rafey Launch where I hold his hands and we'll both bounce at the same time, five, four, three, two, one. And then I like strut on me bounce and keep hold of his hands and basically it launches him right up in the air. It's that thing that I did that time when I put me back out and I had to lie on this sofa all day.

• 1:35Speaker 01

  Brilliant.

• 1:36Speaker 00

  I can do it at the end of a day. So I can do it at the end of a day. I can't do it in the morning. He sometimes goes, can we go to the trampoline in the morning, Dad? And I go, no, because I was literally nearly in hospital last time I did that.

• 1:44Speaker 01

  Do you know what? That's, that's, you've sparked a memory for me that I meant to tell you, right? Do you know how people work? You know, I watch these videos. Oh, fuck my life. I watch these videos.

• 1:53Speaker 00

  It's all you do.

• 1:53Speaker 01

  It's all I do. But they're like, oh, getting up at half five. And you know, do you know what? The, oh, okay. This is something different. But they get up at half five and the kids are like in bed and they go down and do a workout in the gym or whatever, right? At half five in the morning. And then they go back up at half seven and they're like, get the kids up. I'm like.

• 2:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:09Speaker 01

  Anyway, but that's just me being jealous of people's kids who sleep in.

• 2:12Speaker 00

  And people with motivation to get up at half five.

• 2:14Speaker 01

  Well, my thing is, right?

• 2:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:16Speaker 01

  I would love to do that because sometimes I'm up. But I went to get Rafe a drink of milk the other day, right?

• 2:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:24Speaker 01

  It was a new milk carton. I couldn't pull the thing off, the top.

• 2:29Speaker 00

  Ah, yeah, yeah.

• 2:30Speaker 01

  And I was like.

• 2:30Speaker 00

  Because it was so early. Have you ever tried to make a fist as soon as you wake up? It's impossible.

• 2:34Speaker 01

  Zero strength. First I could, I had to use me teeth. I had to like pull it off with me teeth. And I thought, how could, I couldn't do weights now.

• 2:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, I know what you mean. Yeah.

• 2:45Speaker 01

  No way.

• 2:45Speaker 00

  So I, I find.

• 2:46Speaker 01

  What? Squats?

• 2:47Speaker 00

  So I used to do, in the, in the amateur boxing days.

• 2:52Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 2:52Speaker 00

  I used to go for runs in the evening.

• 2:55Speaker 01

  Robin might like Rocky.

• 2:57Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 2:58Speaker 01

  Just thinking of films we can watch together.

• 2:59Speaker 00

  Great. He won't. I, I used to go for, if you go for a run on a night, I feel like you've got mind your, I think it's because maybe you've like, you're late during the day and you've got like some in your tank. You go for a run first thing on, fair play to everyone who goes running first thing in the morning. It's like running with a weighted vest on.

• 3:12Speaker 01

  Horrible.

• 3:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:14Speaker 01

  I just don't think you're meant to. I think you're just meant to like kind of get up and get with the day and just, you know, exercise for me later on.

• 3:21Speaker 00

  I think you're just talking about personal preference because I think evolutionary speaking, we would have to get up and immediately go hunting.

• 3:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, but you, yeah, but we don't have to do that now.

• 3:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, but we used to.

• 3:30Speaker 01

  Oh, you used to. I wouldn't have went out hunting. I'm looking after the kids. I'm opening their milk cartons. You're out hunting.

• 3:37Speaker 00

  You only play that feminist card when you fancy it, don't you?

• 3:39Speaker 01

  I don't know anymore. I've been to the Fringe. I should know what feminism looks like.

• 3:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, you just got back from the Fringe. You should be full of it.

• 3:47Speaker 01

  Yeah. I know. Do you know what it is? I feel like.

• 3:49Speaker 00

  Nipples.

• 3:50Speaker 01

  I feel, ooh, alive. It was great. I had such a lovely time. So many cool, fucking cool people. Just cool and just like, out the Fringe.

• 3:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:00Speaker 01

  Oh, but I was sat around a table at one point, me and a lot of females. Some who I knew, some who I didn't. I'm not going to name everyone, but I knew some and I knew didn't.

• 4:09Speaker 00

  Didn't know any of them. Didn't know any of their names.

• 4:11Speaker 01

  No, no. But then one person said.

• 4:13Speaker 00

  Didn't remember the names of the people she knew. Carry on.

• 4:14Speaker 01

  They're talking about like sexuality and like bisexuality and all that kind of stuff. And I was like, when I was younger, it wasn't like hugely a thing. Like, you know, I don't know whether people, it was, it's great the way the world is now, that people can just be like.

• 4:25Speaker 00

  Be what they want to be, yeah.

• 4:26Speaker 01

  Be what they want to be. I love that. And I love that our children are free to do what they want to do. Like, you know what I mean? Once upon a time when we were younger, it wasn't as open.

• 4:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:36Speaker 01

  All right, 20 years ago, life wasn't as open.

• 4:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:38Speaker 01

  25 years ago. Anyway, I sat around the table and then somebody said, she went, yeah, yeah, like we could all probably be like perceived as being like gay or bisexual. Not you, Rosie.

• 4:55Speaker 00

  Oh, great.

• 4:56Speaker 01

  I was so sad. I was like, could I not look gay?

• 5:00Speaker 00

  I don't think so. Maybe that'll attract what you are.

• 5:03Speaker 01

  No, I did not. I had a Adidas top on.

• 5:05Speaker 00

  All right, okay.

• 5:05Speaker 01

  But they were like, no, not you.

• 5:06Speaker 00

  Sporty Spice?

• 5:07Speaker 01

  No, honestly, and all of them agreed. They were like, yeah. And I was like, what? Could I not be bisexual?

• 5:12Speaker 00

  You're taking offence to that.

• 5:14Speaker 01

  It was just like, it was just literally about six women were like, no, we all look like we could be gay or bisexual. You do not. And I was like, what the fuck?

• 5:23Speaker 00

  Yeah. I don't know what to make of that.

• 5:25Speaker 01

  I didn't know what to make of it. I was like.

• 5:26Speaker 00

  Did you take, were you offended? Did you take it as a slight?

• 5:28Speaker 01

  I kind of was like, I want to look a bit gay.

• 5:30Speaker 00

  I think it's because you're not young and cool. I think they all probably look.

• 5:33Speaker 01

  They weren't all young and cool.

• 5:34Speaker 00

  No?

• 5:35Speaker 01

  Cooler than me.

• 5:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, but they've been at the Fringe for, you, you just look like a Fringe tourist, don't you? You're just turned up.

• 5:40Speaker 01

  I just look straight as fuck.

• 5:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:41Speaker 01

  Just like, just like, you're a mom, you're a married mom who likes flowers.

• 5:45Speaker 00

  Mag that you normally read when you're talking to people as well. If you're holding that, that gives it away.

• 5:49Speaker 01

  No.

• 5:50Speaker 00

  Did you have an I Love Cock t-shirt on?

• 5:51Speaker 01

  I was hanging out the back of a man.

• 5:53Speaker 00

  All right, okay, okay.

• 5:54Speaker 01

  Hanging off a man even.

• 5:55Speaker 00

  There it is. That's it. Yeah, makes more sense.

• 5:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, can't get.

• 5:58Speaker 00

  That'll be it, yeah.

• 5:59Speaker 01

  What did I say?

• 5:59Speaker 00

  You're hanging out the back of a man. Were you, oh, were you sucking off the weed like you normally do? Was it that?

• 6:04Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 6:05Speaker 00

  Right, there it is. Got the weed, it's cocky, you know, kind of look here. Listen, thank you so much for being here.

• 6:09Speaker 01

  It was upsetting. Sorry. No, I was just like, could I not even be just a little, like a little bit gay?

• 6:14Speaker 00

  Nah, yeah, you just don't.

• 6:16Speaker 01

  Just don't look gay.

• 6:16Speaker 00

  Yeah. You look, and don't take this the wrong way, mumsy.

• 6:21Speaker 01

  That's what they meant.

• 6:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:23Speaker 01

  That's what they meant.

• 6:24Speaker 00

  That's what they meant.

• 6:24Speaker 01

  It was nothing, that's what, it was nothing to do with sexuality.

• 6:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, that was it.

• 6:29Speaker 01

  That's fine. I don't mind. I'm not. So like, they were bang on, but.

• 6:32Speaker 00

  Were you humming the Muppets Baby theme tune that you normally hum?

• 6:35Speaker 01

  Baby. I was crying about missing the kids.

• 6:37Speaker 00

  Ah, there it is. Okay, guys, thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for listening. If you're listening, if you're watching on YouTube, hello. Hope you're enjoying it.

• 6:44Speaker 01

  What about gay women who've got kids? What about gay mumsy women? There is gay mumsy women.

• 6:49Speaker 00

  You're still on this. I wouldn't be asked if someone said, Chris, you don't look gay. I wouldn't care at all.

• 6:53Speaker 01

  No, okay. Well, well, in that moment, I just wanted to be with a cool gaze.

• 6:57Speaker 00

  Right. Well, you're not. You're not. You're a mumsy, straight woman.

• 7:01Speaker 01

  Straight bitch.

• 7:02Speaker 00

  Straight bitch and that's it.

• 7:03Speaker 01

  Fair enough. That's fine. That's fine.

• 7:05Speaker 00

  Finish me fucking bit.

• 7:05Speaker 01

  Okay. Well, they're all going to laugh when I leave you for a woman and they're all going to go, oh God, I didn't think she had it in her.

• 7:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 7:13Speaker 01

  And I'll say, yeah, who's gay now?

• 7:14Speaker 00

  And then they're going to go, we know she's just pretending because we said she didn't look gay. And then they're going to wait for it. It'll all fall apart and you'll have come crawling back to me. By which case, in a cruel twist of fate, I'll have turned gay.

• 7:27Speaker 01

  Well, can you just have a lavender marriage?

• 7:28Speaker 00

  Just despite you.

• 7:29Speaker 01

  I would love that.

• 7:29Speaker 00

  What's a lavender marriage?

• 7:31Speaker 01

  A lavender marriage is when, oh God, I don't want to get it wrong. But it's usually when like a straight or bisexual woman marries a gay man and they have a child together or children together and they're married. But like they don't, they just don't have sex, but they're just like mates. And it's like the most beautiful thing ever.

• 7:51Speaker 00

  Every day we stray further from God. Okay, listen. Thank you for being here. Thank you for listening. If you're watching on YouTube, thank you. What I was going to say is I've got a little logo on my t-shirt. This is a lovely t-shirt you bought me.

• 8:01Speaker 01

  Just all the lavenders?

• 8:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, but I had to run to the, I had to run to the barbers to pay them today because I got Rafe's haircut and I had to, they only take cash. So I had to go and give them some cash today because I felt guilty. I want to give them as soon as they opened. And it's been chafing me nipple.

• 8:13Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 8:14Speaker 00

  If I wear this out again, I'm going to have to put a little plaster on my nipple. It's very, very sharp on the inside of here.

• 8:18Speaker 01

  Very sensitive nipples in your own age. Listen, this is.

• 8:22Speaker 00

  What, you Googled?

• 8:23Speaker 01

  Because even, even me laptop is like, you're the straightest bitch in the world. What lavender wedding I put into Google and it put lavender wedding typically refers to a wedding themed style with lavender colours and fresh floral accents.

• 8:36Speaker 00

  Because you were supposed to put lavender marriage, you fucking psycho. Not wedding.

• 8:39Speaker 01

  Right, right.

• 8:40Speaker 00

  Oh my God, a marriage and a wedding are two different things. Fucking hell, it's like a mop and a brush. Come on, come on.

• 8:46Speaker 01

  Oh, okay. A lavender marriage is a marriage of convenience between a man and a woman where one or both partners belong to the LGBTQ plus community. Historically, it used to be to hide their sexuality, sexual orientation from the public, but now.

• 9:00Speaker 00

  That's a shame.

• 9:01Speaker 01

  It's just because we've realised that, you know, straight marriage is toxic.

• 9:06Speaker 00

  Really? Is that what it says on Google?

• 9:08Speaker 01

  That's just what it says.

• 9:09Speaker 00

  Great. I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I wouldn't disagree. Like, considering you're sitting here clearing that, you're gutted that no one thought you were gay and you're straight.

• 9:16Speaker 01

  No, it was just for fun. But at the time I was like, am I upset? No, it was, yeah.

• 9:22Speaker 00

  Imagine you like stopped, flipped the table and stormed off, like really angry, like how dare you stormed off. And I'd be like, oh, that's pretty gay what you just did there. That's cool. Yeah. Big, big sissy kick off. Yeah. Now, listen, thank you for being here. This is the fourth or fifth time I've said this. This is ridiculous. Thank you for listening. Please subscribe and on YouTube and all of that stuff. Now, it is time. I've got to be, run out of time here with you going on about this. Run out of time in the end, so I've got to.

• 9:45Speaker 01

  No. This is our podcast. You have not run out of time. We can do whatever the fuck we want.

• 9:50Speaker 00

  Okay, there it is.

• 9:50Speaker 01

  All right?

• 9:51Speaker 00

  It's the straightest thing you've ever said.

• 9:52Speaker 01

  And I'm sorry for butting in all the time. I'm, I'm ill. I'm ill. I can't ever stop. People hate it, but I can't stop.

• 9:57Speaker 00

  Listen, straightness is not an illness. Don't worry about it. Don't let anyone tell you that. This week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. Quick one this week. This one, this week's sponsor is Adults with Novelty Ringtones. Fucking grow up. Sick.

• 10:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:14Speaker 00

  Sick. If I hear another fucking man, I go, grow up. Oh, oh, the wife's ringing. The wife, the wife's ringing. It's Darth Vader's tune. Great. Fucking hilarious. That's hilarious, mate.

• 10:29Speaker 01

  I know. I know.

• 10:30Speaker 00

  Dun, dun, dun. Oh, it's the wife. Oh, yeah. Brilliant. Toss her. Grow up. I can't bear it. It should ring, it should vibrate or nothing.

• 10:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:39Speaker 00

  Leave it.

• 10:40Speaker 01

  I agree. I didn't know you could still do that. I didn't know you could still put a song.

• 10:44Speaker 00

  Ringtones is my favourite song. Fuck, God, really? What year is it? Stop it. That's it. I heard that yesterday. I was just annoyed.

• 10:51Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 10:52Speaker 00

  That's it.

• 10:52Speaker 01

  That's all right. You, you're okay.

• 10:54Speaker 00

  So he was definitely straight. It was the straightest thing.

• 10:55Speaker 01

  It's a proper straight thing.

• 10:59Speaker 01

  Do, do, do, do, do. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle.

• 11:07Speaker 00

  Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.

• 11:30Speaker 01

  Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag Marred Noid. Listen to this, right?

• 11:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:35Speaker 01

  Lavender Marriage.

• 11:36Speaker 00

  Oh, fuck.

• 11:37Speaker 01

  So just some of the stuff it said about social survival, like that, because public facade back in the day, like actors used to get married in a lavender marriage just to be hide being gay from the public.

• 11:47Speaker 00

  Again, like breaks me off.

• 11:49Speaker 01

  I know. It was happening, it was happening not long ago.

• 11:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:52Speaker 01

  Really. It says here, right?

• 11:54Speaker 00

  It's happening in, in football. No top flight footballer to my knowledge.

• 11:58Speaker 01

  Oh, loads of them are gay.

• 12:00Speaker 00

  None of them are coming out as gay because of how much fucking grief they get. And it's probably, probably fucking sad.

• 12:04Speaker 01

  That's so sad.

• 12:05Speaker 00

  Properly sad.

• 12:06Speaker 01

  There'll be so many of them that are gay.

• 12:08Speaker 00

  Do you know, I saw a video, just, just for how like brutal football fans can be. I saw a video the other day of, it must have been a lower league, a lower league team and the goalkeeper standing there and there's just like a bar behind the goals and all the fans are just standing there watching. And he goes to get a drink of his water bottle, which is next to the thing and they're fucking, they tipped out all his water and he went and had a drink of his water bottle and then all, they all started laughing because there was nothing in it and he just put it down the floor and all the fans are going, where's your water gone? I was like, you fucking assholes, he's playing football.

• 12:38Speaker 01

  Is that the opposing team?

• 12:39Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's the away keeper and he's at the other end and then obviously the, he's been doing something and they've just poured his water. I thought you.

• 12:46Speaker 01

  Jesus.

• 12:46Speaker 00

  It's such like, what I know. And he like goes to take a drink and he like just puts it on the deck and they're like, oh god.

• 12:51Speaker 01

  I mean, did you laugh?

• 12:53Speaker 00

  I mean, I'm, I'm still laughing now. It was fucking hilarious, but it's really harsh, but brutal, man. Fucking hell.

• 12:59Speaker 01

  Oh, right. Well, listen, I just want to tell you this.

• 13:01Speaker 00

  Come on then.

• 13:01Speaker 01

  The last bullet point of the lavender marriage.

• 13:04Speaker 00

  Great.

• 13:04Speaker 01

  Um, this, this cuts, this, this is like a knife to the heart, right? Mutual support. Listen to this. Many historical arrangements provide a genuine safety, domestic stability and companionship rather than completely cold or loveless.

• 13:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:22Speaker 00

  It's our future.

• 13:22Speaker 01

  How you being straight?

• 13:23Speaker 00

  It's our future. Yeah.

• 13:24Speaker 01

  Gross.

• 13:25Speaker 00

  Definitely.

• 13:26Speaker 01

  Cold and loveless. We're not cold and loveless. We've been, we've been together for years.

• 13:30Speaker 00

  Hmm. I think we're still having a lovely time.

• 13:32Speaker 01

  Alive and kicking us.

• 13:33Speaker 00

  There it is. There it is.

• 13:34Speaker 01

  Um, what have you got to say for yourself?

• 13:37Speaker 00

  So, um, a few things, few things I have to tell you that, because I haven't seen you because you've been away gallivanting, right? Um, just look me naughty. I've got a few things to say. Uh, first of all, um, I had a moment where, uh, like, you know, I'm always joking, trying to make people laugh. Um, and nothing hurts more than when someone just doesn't get it and I just feel wasted, wasted a lot in this house and around about the place. Um, me and my mate Jordan were sitting in Marine Park in South Shields the other day.

• 14:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, love it.

• 14:02Speaker 00

  A bloke came in, uh, who worked for the council and he was like, all right, lads, can I speak to you a second? First of all, I was like, oh my God, we're going to get torn off. Um, and he handed a flyer thing. He was like, oh, look, we're just doing like a survey about the parks, how the parks are kept and stuff. If he, here's the thing, if you start to scan the QR code and you can go and just do the survey. I haven't done it.

• 14:18Speaker 01

  Lovely park, too many birds.

• 14:20Speaker 00

  I don't think the council can control how many birds there is. I don't think that's a thing.

• 14:24Speaker 01

  Well.

• 14:24Speaker 00

  I'll have a look.

• 14:25Speaker 01

  I've told you when we got chased by that, them Vlogseagulls for that pancake.

• 14:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:29Speaker 01

  Worst day of my life.

• 14:30Speaker 00

  Well, good. Um, check your privileges. That's the worst day of your life. Now, listen.

• 14:34Speaker 01

  One of.

• 14:35Speaker 00

  So I'm sitting there and he goes, oh, we just want to check, uh, you know, uh, scan the QR code and you do a thing. He goes, uh, if you've got, if you've got a partner or a wife or something at home, uh, they can do it as well. So it's like, you know, it's like two, that counts as two people doing the survey. Just want to see, you know, if you're happy with how the parks are run. I was like, right, yeah, yeah, definitely. He went, yeah, you know, just like controlling, like, uh, you know, making sure like, uh, dogs aren't allowed in the park and like e-scooters and stuff, banning them in the park, just making sure you're all happy with that. And I went, yeah, mate, I mean, I'll fill it in. I went, but you don't want the wife to fill that in though. She loves coming down here on that e-scooter. And he went, oh, oh, okay then, okay. And I went, I'm joking.

• 15:15Speaker 00

  But fuck. And he went, oh, all right, okay. I was like, and me mate, like Jordan was fucking dying because Jordan was like, oh, he's just not listening.

• 15:23Speaker 01

  He's in work mode. That's the problem. He's in work mode.

• 15:26Speaker 00

  Not get the wife to fill it because she loves coming down here on that e-scooter. Oh, oh, okay. Just shit. Good for her.

• 15:33Speaker 01

  No, he's, I hate them. I hate them. I hate them. What, what, right, right. Stop.

• 15:39Speaker 00

  I don't understand. I don't understand.

• 15:40Speaker 01

  Buying your spoilt little brat kids e-scooters for their birthdays. Christmas is going to be rife with e-scooters.

• 15:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:48Speaker 01

  I, I seen a lad the other day in a pair of sliders, going down the street on the pavement, FYI, in a pair of sliders. He had a helmet on that wasn't fastened at the bottom. Oh, good. Look at that saving your skull, you moron.

• 16:00Speaker 00

  Well, at least you had it on, I suppose. But yeah, that'd be.

• 16:02Speaker 01

  It was flopping.

• 16:03Speaker 00

  They're going like fucking 30 mile an hour on pa- it's like, it's like.

• 16:06Speaker 01

  Chris, he was, he was going the same speed as my car. It was insane.

• 16:09Speaker 00

  It's crazy.

• 16:09Speaker 01

  Even Robin, who wants an, uh, who wants an e-scooter and won't have a bad word said against him. Even he was like, mom, have you seen him?

• 16:16Speaker 00

  It's crazy. But most of them don't wear helmets.

• 16:18Speaker 01

  Like, when did, when, like, when are we going to learn? Because back in the day, doing unsafe things, right? Before the internet, you kind of go, right, okay, fair enough. We didn't, like, we didn't know as much, like, car seats have now been tested and it's like, this is, if you, if you want your children to be saving your car, this is what you put them in, right? It's the law. Okay?

• 16:36Speaker 00

  As soon as they're not in a car seat anymore, stick with an e-scooter, let them fly down the pavement.

• 16:38Speaker 01

  Just blows my mind.

• 16:39Speaker 00

  Not rolled women over, not, you know.

• 16:41Speaker 01

  People are just dying. The kids are dying who are on them, 14 year olds, you know, just, just dying, just, they're so unsafe.

• 16:48Speaker 00

  They're hitting people, they're hitting people on zebra cossacks and that and knocking people down and that. It's nuts. It's like firing, it's like, it's like firing your kid out of a fucking cannon. What do you want for Christmas? Oh, I want to be fired out of a cannon every day with no protection. Oh, yeah, great. I would just skid you along the fucking pavement.

• 17:00Speaker 01

  Well, like, I'm sorry, but the minute, like, it's going to happen to your kid, you're going to be gutted and it's, and it's going to be your fault for, for being like, he wants an e-scooter. Oh, all the friends, all the friends have got them, then, then let their mates get.

• 17:15Speaker 00

  He has, he has a bit of parenting advice that I don't normally do, right? Rosie, you ask me, you're the child, I'm the dad, you ask me, can I get an e-scooter? Guys, this is what you need to repeat.

• 17:23Speaker 01

  Dad, can I get an e-scooter?

• 17:24Speaker 00

  Can you fuck?

• 17:28Speaker 01

  There you go.

• 17:29Speaker 00

  Simple as that.

• 17:30Speaker 01

  Mad, mad.

• 17:35Speaker 00

  But you love taking yours down the park. So I don't want to ask you why you're such a hypocrite.

• 17:36Speaker 01

  I would listen. I'm all right though. I can take mine down the park. No, no. Babadu babadu babadu ba.

• 17:42Speaker 00

  Right. So I'm going to tell you this. Um, Sandra took Robin, uh, and, uh, and Rafe to The Word in South Shields, which is like a little library place. And then they went across the road to, um, Heron Frozen Foods.

• 17:54Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 17:54Speaker 00

  And they went into Heron Frozen Foods and totally separate to the story, um, there was someone in there who completely stank of piss and the whole place stank of piss, which happens sometimes in all shops.

• 18:02Speaker 01

  Robin's really.

• 18:04Speaker 00

  He's got your nose straight away. He was like, oh God. And Sandra was like, shut up. Someone in here obviously just hasn't very good hygiene.

• 18:09Speaker 01

  I don't know this story. Okay.

• 18:11Speaker 00

  No, so she told me the other day and I told her not to tell you. So we went quiet, right? So first of all, he's already literally turning his nose up, right? So, um, I just don't know if we need to be proud or a little bit careful of how we're raising our children, right?

• 18:24Speaker 01

  No, he's a snob. He wouldn't eat his dinner in a cafe once because it was dirty.

• 18:26Speaker 00

  Well, well, well, well, listen to this. So they're in, they're in Heron and he's buzzing at all of the pizzas and all the different stuff.

• 18:34Speaker 01

  I love Heron.

• 18:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. He's buzzing with all the stuff, right? But then he goes, Heron's whatever. Your mom's going, what do you want to eat? And he's going, I'm not sure. And he's like, looking at all the different stuff. What do you want? We'll take it home. And he turned apparently, he turned to the lady in Heron Frozen Foods and he went, excuse me. And she went, yeah? He went, do you do sushi?

• 19:02Speaker 00

  Now, that's not.

• 19:03Speaker 01

  Is this the one at South Shields Marketplace?

• 19:05Speaker 00

  South Shields Marketplace, yeah.

• 19:06Speaker 01

  Next to Cobblers?

• 19:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

• 19:08Speaker 01

  I'm dead.

• 19:09Speaker 00

  So first of all, so it's not as bad as if we just said it when we were kids because lots of supermarkets do sushi. So that's fine. But this is the next bit, right?

• 19:15Speaker 01

  And he loves your sushi.

• 19:16Speaker 00

  So this is the kicker. Um, your mom turns and goes, oh, look, there's them microwave burgers. You know, the microwave burgers you can get, you get in the pack of that Robin always asks for, but we don't let him get. She let him get one. Um, so.

• 19:27Speaker 01

  Who is this woman?

• 19:28Speaker 00

  But, but listen to this.

• 19:30Speaker 01

  A Rosslas?

• 19:31Speaker 00

  Yeah. But listen to this, right? So he, he gets the burger. He goes, okay, I get this. And the woman he's just asked about the sushi is still there. And she turns to them and she goes, um, just so you know, you've got a microwave them, you can't just eat them straight away. She must have thought this little weirdo just loves eating raw shit.

• 19:55Speaker 00

  I better tell him, or he's gonna fucking give himself food poisoning or something. Cause he just only eats raw stuff.

• 20:05Speaker 00

  Bless our heart.

• 20:07Speaker 01

  Right, um, what, what, does the man smelling of piss come back into the story?

• 20:10Speaker 00

  No, it doesn't come in, no, but I'm saying, no, my point is, he's already walking around with an air of this place smells of piss. Not the shop's fault, just the man in there who smelt of piss.

• 20:22Speaker 01

  He's, do you know what it is? It's not even that he's a snobby kid. Kids are different now. Kids are just, they're just built different now, are they?

• 20:29Speaker 00

  He gets, he does get some, some sushi. So yeah, it's just, to ask for it in heaven's just, it's just really funny.

• 20:34Speaker 01

  You got any sushi? Do you know what they do have? They've got them dumplings, which are like viral at the minute, them, uh, it's who dumplings or something?

• 20:41Speaker 00

  Rosie, uh, on my lunch break at school, when Heron Frozen Food opened up, uh, it was unbelievable. You could get literally boxes. Oh, we could get boxes of Capri Suns, you get full packets of biscuits.

• 20:51Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 20:52Speaker 00

  It was unbelievable.

• 20:52Speaker 01

  You couldn't be getting frozen stuff.

• 20:54Speaker 00

  Well, no, but you, obviously not, but I, oh, the stuff would get from, oh, it's like Christmas.

• 20:59Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. Well, I, I, when I, when the one opened out in the nuke, I worked at Manchella's next door. So on my lunch break, I was like Gil's, the fish and chip shop, and Heron's. Dream come true. And I had a microwave at the shop, so you know.

• 21:19Speaker 03

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• 21:50Speaker 00

  Twenty ninety, sorry.

• 21:52Speaker 01

  No, stop, please stop.

• 21:57Speaker 01

  Um, I've got a little bit of celebrity gossip for you.

• 21:59Speaker 00

  What?

• 22:00Speaker 01

  Cause I know that you, you do not get the same algorithm as me, so you won't know this.

• 22:04Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 22:05Speaker 01

  But you know, down south, there's been a hosepipe ban?

• 22:07Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 22:08Speaker 01

  Right? Cause of the heatwaves and all that kind of stuff. Um, if you look more into it, I don't know, it's got something to do with the water companies, but we won't get into that on here. Anyway, um, certain newspapers have been flying drones over celebrities' houses and gardens to see.

• 22:27Speaker 00

  If they're using hosepipe.

• 22:28Speaker 01

  If they've used hoses and they're literally posting and actually, I mean, but it's like this, like such and such house off, uh, Tawi or whatever. And like, they've got a really green garden and the rest, everyone else is just like, yellow. And so they're just kind of like naming and shaming these people.

• 22:46Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 22:46Speaker 01

  With green, and you know what? I'm like slow news day, but also like, what the fuck?

• 22:52Speaker 00

  That's crazy. I mean, like, again.

• 22:54Speaker 01

  That would be you. That would be you.

• 22:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'd get caught. That's the kind of thing I'd get caught for.

• 22:56Speaker 01

  You would fully get caught. You'd have the greenest garden.

• 22:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:00Speaker 01

  Ever.

• 23:00Speaker 00

  I'd be like, it's just piss. It's just piss. I just do all me pisses in the garden. Um, no, like that's, you know, it's like, again, I said it on Sunday brunch, I was on Sunday brunch the other day, like everyone and you've, the whole heatwave of you guys. I mean, we always want a nice summer, but the heatwave of you guys down south have had to put up with. I've got nothing but sympathy for you. Just awful. Um, and yeah, it's, I fall on two sides of that. Cause it's like, there's a hosepipe ban, you know, there's a fucking hosepipe ban. People need the water for their things. But at the same time, drones, that's another level of fucking grass. That's like literally grass, but being a, it's like, again, it's like COVID when people were grassing people up. He's been to Sainsbury's twice today. You're only allowed once. His, his hour walk was ninety-two minutes.

• 23:43Speaker 01

  He got really close to his neighbour over the fence. Yeah, it's a bit ridiculous.

• 23:46Speaker 00

  So I'm high five a postman, like, fuck, come on.

• 23:48Speaker 01

  I just thought, what, but how slow news day.

• 23:51Speaker 00

  Sorry, I just picked that up here, by the way. I didn't get told off a high five and a postman during COVID. It just seemed too specific.

• 23:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's true.

• 23:58Speaker 00

  But yeah, um, listen, uh, I, speaking of, speaking of rain, I, uh, we are going to our, I don't know if you know this or not. You, you follow her on Instagram, so you might know it, but it blew my fucking mind.

• 24:11Speaker 01

  What?

• 24:11Speaker 00

  We are going to our friend's wedding, uh, at the beginning of next month.

• 24:15Speaker 01

  Is it gonna rain?

• 24:16Speaker 00

  It's, it's gonna rain. It's, it's, it's scheduled to, it was, it was gonna rain where the wedding is, where we're going at the beginning of next month for the wedding. But fear not, it's been sorted. The bride has been on Etsy and paid a witch five pound to make it not rain in that area.

• 24:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, I've heard about this.

• 24:41Speaker 00

  So, what, what am I packing? Shorts and t-shirt, mate. Shorts and t-shirt.

• 24:45Speaker 01

  I've heard about this. You don't even, cause you know I would do that shit. Yeah, you get, there's a witch and she does a spell and.

• 24:51Speaker 00

  Hmm. There's loads of them. Absolutely loads of them. So, um.

• 24:54Speaker 01

  So she's paid a witch, she's paid for a witch to make it not rain.

• 24:57Speaker 00

  In the vein of that, I've just been on Etsy looking for your birthday present, cause you are, uh, when the next podcast comes out, you will be forty.

• 25:04Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 25:05Speaker 00

  Hold it, bitch. Um, and, uh, I've just been looking for your, your present. Um, what I'm gonna do is, um, I've got the wall here. I'm gonna, um, I've gone on Etsy and I'm gonna get you, uh, cursed. I'm gonna curse you.

• 25:19Speaker 01

  Oh, no. No.

• 25:21Speaker 00

  Loads to choose from here. Uh, curse your enemy's hex spell, extreme karma and revenge spell, payback, regret, curse reversal, photo proof. Uh, curse your enemy, hex of torment, karmic justice revenge spell.

• 25:34Speaker 01

  You shouldn't mess with this stuff, you know?

• 25:35Speaker 00

  Honestly, this is, um, when the documentary comes out, uh, in, in years to come about our incredible cataclysmic downfall and how we went from, you know, dare I say it, earning a few quid to having no money whatsoever. It won't be gambling, it won't be drugs, it won't be drink. It'll be every single person who crosses me from now till my downfall, I'm gonna spend money getting them hexed on Etsy.

• 25:58Speaker 01

  It's cheaper than what you wanted to do a few years ago.

• 26:00Speaker 00

  What was that?

• 26:01Speaker 01

  You wanted to buy a tank.

• 26:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:03Speaker 01

  And drive along the streets and anybody who undercut you or like whatever, was it, you just want, no, you wanted to run them off the road with a tank. You used to say that all the time.

• 26:11Speaker 00

  That's the billionaire plan. That's for when I become a billionaire. Um, you know, God willing, uh, that's what I'm gonna do. Just run people off the road and just pay the bill. Uh, this.

• 26:19Speaker 01

  I don't think anyone should be a billionaire.

• 26:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, great. That's, I mean, that's a whole other thing altogether. Um, but yes, so you can literally go on Etsy and buy curses.

• 26:28Speaker 01

  Great.

• 26:29Speaker 00

  Uh, same day, same day, send them the name, uh, don't even need the date of birth, possibly a photo of the person you want to curse and the witch will curse them and that's that.

• 26:38Speaker 01

  Bring it on.

• 26:39Speaker 00

  So, yeah.

• 26:39Speaker 01

  I've already got ten.

• 26:41Speaker 00

  Really?

• 26:42Speaker 01

  Easy.

• 26:42Speaker 00

  Unbelievable. Yeah. I'm gonna, so curse the fuck out of you for your birthday. Bon anniversaire.

• 26:48Speaker 01

  Bon anniversaire.

• 26:51Speaker 00

  It's time for what's your beef?

• 26:55Speaker 01

  What's your beef? What's your beef? You caught me unaware as I wasn't ready.

• 26:59Speaker 00

  Oh, I caught you unaware with that bit. So you're saying you could have probably done with a countdown?

• 27:04Speaker 01

  No, no countdowns.

• 27:05Speaker 00

  Great. Uh, I've got beef. You say you don't have beef, but I've got beef.

• 27:07Speaker 01

  I don't think I do. I just, we're all right. Like, there's nothing crazy. I mean, you're horrible to the kids.

• 27:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, but that's.

• 27:18Speaker 01

  But that's, that's just an ongoing.

• 27:20Speaker 00

  I'm not horrible to them. They deserve it.

• 27:21Speaker 01

  Oh, you're horrible to them. You, you, you talk horribly to them. And then you hate it when they're horrible to you.

• 27:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:28Speaker 01

  And I'm like, they're just repeating the way you talk with them.

• 27:30Speaker 00

  They're bringing on themselves.

• 27:32Speaker 01

  But then sometimes you're really nice to them. Like you are a very good dad. They're very lucky to have you.

• 27:36Speaker 00

  Right. So the difference is here, and I talk about it in my standup, your thing of, you can shout at them and scream at them, but I'm not allowed to. You say it's awful when I do it. You should hear yourself when you're having a go at them.

• 27:44Speaker 01

  I know.

• 27:45Speaker 00

  Right? So.

• 27:46Speaker 01

  I'm a hypocrite.

• 27:47Speaker 00

  Yeah. So shut the fuck up. Right? That's what I'm sick of.

• 27:49Speaker 01

  You shut the fuck up?

• 27:50Speaker 00

  Whoa.

• 27:51Speaker 01

  Literally, you shut the fuck, don't even curse me.

• 27:55Speaker 00

  No, I'm getting it early. I was gonna wait till your birthday, but I'm gonna get you now. Honestly.

• 27:59Speaker 01

  Just do a nice one. Oh no, curse me, curse me to like literally drop six stone.

• 28:04Speaker 00

  There it is. Extreme, extreme demonic curse.

• 28:08Speaker 01

  Right.

• 28:08Speaker 00

  Sixteen pound thirty-eight, reduced from sixty-five pound. That's unbelievable. Free UK delivery? What am I getting delivered?

• 28:16Speaker 01

  The curse?

• 28:16Speaker 00

  Curse your enemy's spell. I don't wanna do it. I want a professional to do it.

• 28:19Speaker 01

  I don't wanna talk about it anymore. This is really bad, bad karma. Don't do it. Don't do curses.

• 28:26Speaker 00

  Um, no, so, right, I do, right, yes, yes, I do have a go at them, but sometimes they just need to be told to shut the fuck up.

• 28:32Speaker 01

  I know.

• 28:33Speaker 00

  And I don't say shut the fuck up. I don't swear at them, but sometimes I'm like.

• 28:35Speaker 01

  It's just much more intense from a bloke. I don't, I know, I don't mean to be like.

• 28:39Speaker 00

  Right.

• 28:39Speaker 01

  Is that sexist? I don't know. But it just is. And I just, when you talk to them like that, I'm like, oh, me babies.

• 28:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:45Speaker 01

  But then when I'm like, get out of this. Now.

• 28:49Speaker 00

  Exactly.

• 28:49Speaker 01

  To me, that's fine.

• 28:50Speaker 00

  Disgusting, filthy hypocrisy. And honestly, two curses. You're getting two curses.

• 28:55Speaker 01

  Leave me alone.

• 28:57Speaker 00

  Curse of loneliness. There we go. We'll get you one of them. So my beef with you is, and it's just a little one. I don't know if you remember this, right? You were the other day trying a load of stuff on in your dressing room, as is your, it seems to be the only thing you do these days. I go to your dressing room.

• 29:11Speaker 01

  Right, I'm.

• 29:14Speaker 00

  What?

• 29:14Speaker 01

  I need outfits for work.

• 29:16Speaker 00

  So do I. Should put this on, do you?

• 29:18Speaker 01

  All right, sorry. I'm a woman and I have hormones and every month me weight goes up and down and sometimes I'm not happy with the way I look. So I spend a little bit longer choosing what I'm gonna wear so that when I'm on the television, I don't wanna die when I see myself on telly because I'm a size 14. I, this is me size forever. I'm not gonna lose weight because I love food. I love wine. I can maintain this weight by going in the gym like four times a week. That's all I've got time for. And sometimes eating healthy, but also I like to binge on a weekend. And this is just how I'm gonna be. So if I take longer to try, I think I didn't mean to get as angry as I have.

• 29:54Speaker 00

  Again, you got angry. You didn't keep it light. All I'm saying is, right?

• 29:58Speaker 01

  This is the size I am. And I'm happy to be this size because every fucker else is shrinking around us. And I'm like, are we not allowed to be bigger than a size 10 anymore? Or like, no, it's wild. Anyway, that's a whole, that's a whole other conversation.

• 30:14Speaker 00

  Great. So I came in your dressing room the other day. You were, you shouted at me. You shouted at me. You said, Chris, come here. And I came to look at something you're trying on. I don't know if you remember this, but you went, think of this, I'll do this with it. And I went, yeah, yeah. I went lovely, aye? And I stood there for literally a couple of seconds and you went, wait, what do you want? And I went, are you taking the piss? You asked me to come in here? And you went, oh yeah, I did. Sorry. How can you get out?

• 30:42Speaker 01

  Don't remember.

• 30:43Speaker 00

  You did.

• 30:43Speaker 01

  Okay, sorry.

• 30:44Speaker 00

  You asked us to come in. You asked us what you looked like and then you forgot that conversation and went, why are you here? What do you want? And I was like, you just, you just asked me to come in. And then you left. Me to leave. So.

• 30:55Speaker 01

  Sorry, were you upset?

• 30:58Speaker 00

  It's just a bit.

• 30:58Speaker 01

  Sorry. Do you want, do you want, would you like a compliment?

• 31:03Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 31:03Speaker 01

  Or do you let me say something nice?

• 31:04Speaker 00

  Feels like a trap, but okay.

• 31:06Speaker 01

  So you, we've got an ensuite bathroom in our bedroom that you use, that you get ready for.

• 31:11Speaker 00

  That's what I do with my poos.

• 31:13Speaker 01

  The other, no, you get ready there and you get your clothes on and stuff. And it's, the other day when you were out, I went in there for something and I could smell you. And I went, oh, it smelled really nice. And I thought, that's nice. So what?

• 31:27Speaker 00

  This is the time to tell you that. I'd never go out. I'd just hide in there. I was in there.

• 31:32Speaker 01

  Don't hide in there because that's my worst fear. My worst fear. Sometimes, do you know what? I check everywhere. I check under my bed before I go to sleep. I check all the cupboards, everything. And then sometimes.

• 31:41Speaker 00

  It's almost like you shouldn't exclusively consume media about murders and killers and rapists. It's almost like, it's almost like constantly listening to and watching things about murders and killers and the worst possible depraved things humans can do to each other. Has a long-term effect on your mental health and makes you not comfortable in your own house. It's almost like that.

• 32:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, I would agree. But sometimes I do it and I think, what if, what if there was someone here? Like, I've normally got like a glass of water in my hand and my phone torch and then something else. And I'm like, if there is someone in there, then what, they're gonna, but then I think, well, I'm ready.

• 32:19Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 32:19Speaker 01

  Sort of. I'm getting a cold, you know?

• 32:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:24Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm. It's a sad curse.

• 32:26Speaker 00

  I cursed with a cold curse yesterday. Is it working?

• 32:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:28Speaker 00

  This is amazing.

• 32:30Speaker 01

  Babadu, babadu, babadu ba.

• 32:32Speaker 00

  It's time for questions from the public.

• 32:34Speaker 01

  Questions from the public.

• 32:39Speaker 00

  Public. As always, if you'd like to get in touch, it is [email protected]. That's if you want to send a long form email. If you would like to send a voice note, it is 078744, no, no, it's 07874406650. That's 07874406650. Thank you in advance.

• 33:00Speaker 01

  I've got such an itchy nose. And also, when I was at the fringe, like.

• 33:05Speaker 00

  Do you know you're ill because of the fringe? Like every time I did the fringe, I would get ill because it's like people from literally all over the world filling unventilated rooms and.

• 33:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know.

• 33:16Speaker 00

  It's like going, like a laugh is basically a cough. It's like going into a room and just coughing all over each other. It's fine. It is what it is. Like, you know.

• 33:22Speaker 01

  Anyway, I kept sniffing all the time because I've got like a nervous sniff.

• 33:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 33:26Speaker 01

  But everyone just thinks I'm on cocaine.

• 33:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:28Speaker 01

  It's awful.

• 33:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:30Speaker 01

  I could see people like looking at my eyes and I'm like, I'm never.

• 33:32Speaker 00

  Very unfair because we all know that you put your cocaine up your bum as well. So she wouldn't even, she wouldn't bother putting it around.

• 33:37Speaker 01

  Straight in my eyeball. Eyeball pole.

• 33:39Speaker 00

  Eyeball pole.

• 33:39Speaker 01

  I've never took cocaine in my life, but I sound like I have.

• 33:43Speaker 00

  You can have it up your bum.

• 33:45Speaker 01

  Can you?

• 33:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, there's a famous story of someone, I wanna say Pete Doherty, but it might not have been Pete Doherty, so don't quote us on this, but someone, a rocker, rock and roll, drug guy, was so out of it and had a gig. And the manager went and found them and it was like, he's on stage in 20 minutes. And he was like, oh, like off downers. So he blew cocaine up his arse with a straw to bring him back.

• 34:07Speaker 01

  Did it work?

• 34:08Speaker 00

  Apparently so.

• 34:10Speaker 01

  I'd rather probably take it up my bum than up my nose.

• 34:12Speaker 00

  Just clip that up. Clip that audio there.

• 34:15Speaker 01

  I can't, like, honestly, is it, I mean, I'm, listen, if you take cocaine and you enjoy it, then I'm sorry and I'm gonna cause offence. But I couldn't think of anything worse than sniffing something up my nose. I don't get it.

• 34:26Speaker 00

  I know what you mean. Like when you're in the swimming pool or when you laugh and water goes up your nose.

• 34:30Speaker 01

  Horrible.

• 34:30Speaker 00

  Proper pain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

• 34:33Speaker 01

  So I don't get, I don't get it personally, but, but obviously the effects of it. I would like to, so we were talking about this at the fringe.

• 34:40Speaker 00

  Well, you know. Did you be at the fringe?

• 34:42Speaker 01

  Just being fringe. So I've never took like hard drugs. Oh, wasn't at the fringe I was talking about this? This is with my other mates. This was with my teacher mates.

• 34:50Speaker 00

  This is the night out you had before you went to the fringe?

• 34:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:52Speaker 00

  Just the day before. You've had a good, you've had a good run.

• 34:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:55Speaker 00

  I'm joking.

• 34:57Speaker 01

  We were, I was just saying, I would like, before I die, I would like to try drugs.

• 35:01Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 35:01Speaker 01

  Like in a, in a room, being monitored by like a nurse. I would like to just try all the hard drugs. I would like to. I would like to just see what it feels like.

• 35:11Speaker 00

  What a night out. Yeah.

• 35:12Speaker 01

  I know, but in my, you know.

• 35:13Speaker 00

  Can I not be there? Because it sounds horrible. Sounds like the most clinical, the most clinical sort of drug. It's a clinical drugs trial is essentially what you want to do.

• 35:20Speaker 01

  Okay, then I would like, that's what I'd like to do.

• 35:22Speaker 00

  Great. Okay then. There we go.

• 35:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:24Speaker 00

  I'll sort that out for you.

• 35:25Speaker 01

  Listen, dear Rose and Chris, I've just listened to the episode where you spoke about the man who was having a wank with his reading glasses on.

• 35:34Speaker 00

  I don't even remember that. Isn't that terrible?

• 35:36Speaker 01

  This reminded me of our ongoing debate within our mates, like within the friendship group about my husband.

• 35:42Speaker 00

  Half a memory here. I'm sure he got it on the lenses of his glasses, if I remember rightly. I'm sure it hit his, hit his face, if I remember rightly.

• 35:48Speaker 01

  I don't remember, but anyway.

• 35:49Speaker 00

  Well played if it did.

• 35:51Speaker 01

  I once, I once similarly woke up in the night to walk into the lounge to find my husband having a wank in complete darkness.

• 36:00Speaker 00

  Good grief.

• 36:02Speaker 01

  No phone, no laptop.

• 36:04Speaker 00

  Old school memories.

• 36:05Speaker 01

  All lights off, just him sitting in his chair at his desk in the dark. Now, again, no issue with wanking, but I felt this was psychopath vibes.

• 36:13Speaker 00

  In the dark. Yeah.

• 36:15Speaker 01

  It's now gone to vote with our mates if this is weird behaviour or not.

• 36:19Speaker 00

  Straight to the mates.

• 36:20Speaker 01

  Office pole vibes. Interesting to get your vote. What were thinking?

• 36:24Speaker 00

  Why, why the lounge? Go to the toilet. Why are you in the lounge?

• 36:28Speaker 01

  In his defence, right? Do you know when you pay like a mortgage?

• 36:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:33Speaker 01

  And like, they're really expensive.

• 36:36Speaker 00

  I pay the mortgage. I should be able to wank in every room in this house.

• 36:38Speaker 01

  Well, you should. You should be able to wank in his, in his lounge. Just in the dark.

• 36:43Speaker 00

  Human space. What are you doing in the lounge? You've not got a toilet, you've not got a bathroom, you've not got a spare bedroom? All right, check my privileges, spare bedroom, but.

• 36:50Speaker 01

  But also, have you just never got any time alone? I sometimes think some couples just spend too much time.

• 36:55Speaker 00

  If he's just sitting in the, it's not, he's at his desk, but he hasn't got his computer on. He hasn't got surround sound porn or anything. If he's just, a toilet is essentially a seat. And you've got a lock on that door. Go to the toilet and sit on the edge of the bath. What the hell are you doing? We're doing the family lounge in the middle of the night in the dark for a.

• 37:10Speaker 01

  Also like skills.

• 37:13Speaker 00

  What do you mean?

• 37:13Speaker 01

  Like, just memory.

• 37:15Speaker 00

  Been there for years, man. He'll be in there for hours. He'll be naked the next day.

• 37:18Speaker 01

  I know. I think in this day and age, you know?

• 37:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, but fair, but, but fair play to him.

• 37:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, I'm not judging him, but.

• 37:26Speaker 00

  I don't find it to be psychopathic. I just find go to the toilet. Just.

• 37:29Speaker 01

  I wouldn't have went in the room if I heard you through the door.

• 37:32Speaker 00

  Well, how much noise is he making? It's quite a quiet thing. Unless he's on the squeakiest chair ever and he's breathing like fucking Darth Vader.

• 37:38Speaker 01

  I mean, you'd think he'd have just put the telly on, don't you think?

• 37:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, but then it's like, oh, I came in and he was, you know, wanking a C-Fax, like.

• 37:46Speaker 01

  I don't know. I don't know what to make of that. Bit weird. Bit weird in the middle of the night.

• 37:50Speaker 00

  Nah, when the mood got him, might have had a sexy dream.

• 37:54Speaker 01

  Okay, fair enough. Babadu, babadu, babadu ba.

• 37:57Speaker 03

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• 38:26Speaker 00

  Babadu babadu babadu ba.

• 38:28Speaker 04

  Hi, Kirsten and Rosie. This is Claire from Ireland. This is one of those things I learnt in my thirties. So basically, I went on a family holiday when I was five years of age and there was this girl who had a rash on her arms and legs and she told me she was allergic to comfort. I often thought about her kind of thinking, you know, when you get into bed at night, how you can't be comfortable or sitting back on a chair or couch or watching TV and not being able to be comfortable. I really felt for this five-year-old. So today I was putting my clothes in the wash and I was putting in the fabric softener

• 39:09Speaker 04

  when I realised it was the fabric softener she was allergic to.

• 39:15Speaker 00

  That's.

• 39:16Speaker 04

  Yes, I'm thirty-six and just realised that today.

• 39:21Speaker 00

  I love that so much. That is so good.

• 39:25Speaker 01

  That is, that is so funny. That's insane.

• 39:28Speaker 00

  She thought that this girl she met was allergic to the concept of being comfortable. So she'd literally go, oh, sit down and watch this film. Oh, I could nod off. Oh, no, I've got a rash.

• 39:41Speaker 01

  I tell you what, that's if you're gonna heck someone or curse them.

• 39:44Speaker 00

  That's the curse.

• 39:45Speaker 01

  Curse them with the inability to ever be comfortable.

• 39:48Speaker 00

  Any of the witches are listening, add that to your repertoire.

• 39:51Speaker 01

  That would kill me. That would kill me off.

• 39:52Speaker 00

  I sometimes feel like someone's got me with that one. I sometimes can't get comfortable at all.

• 39:56Speaker 01

  God, I love being comfortable, me.

• 39:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, I love being comfortable, me. That's a, that's a T-shirt. That's a big jumper. Big jumper with I love being comfortable, me written on the front.

• 40:05Speaker 01

  Just get me comfortable. Get me comfy. I'm quite good at getting comfy.

• 40:10Speaker 00

  What a great, is that on your CV?

• 40:11Speaker 01

  I just, yeah, I think it's, I'm quite, I think it's because I'm little. You know what I mean? If I, my legs, I can like bring my legs in for now.

• 40:21Speaker 00

  Um, I think you're just a lazy fucker.

• 40:23Speaker 01

  What, what's that got to do?

• 40:24Speaker 00

  You're just, you're happy to be, you're happy to be comfortable anyway is me point.

• 40:29Speaker 01

  I'm not a lazy fucker.

• 40:31Speaker 00

  No, but you're like a lounge. You're like a lounge about.

• 40:33Speaker 01

  Roll the tape back.

• 40:35Speaker 00

  Tape?

• 40:36Speaker 01

  Roll, roll the.

• 40:37Speaker 00

  No, no, I'll say it again. You're a lazy fucker. You don't like.

• 40:39Speaker 01

  I'm not a lazy fucker.

• 40:41Speaker 00

  Because when you're down.

• 40:42Speaker 01

  I'm here. I've got a job.

• 40:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, but when you're chilling, when you're down, you won't get up for anything. Like, you, you know, you do, you do love to be sedentary once you're down. And my point is, you, I think, I just think you really enjoy, you know, which is fine, being slobbish and sedentary and lying there, yeah. But I think you enjoyed so much that you might not be as comfortable as you think, but you're like, well, it's better than standing up.

• 41:05Speaker 01

  Well, I know, but then this brings us to another really sad story of the fringe. Well, the fringe again. I was just surrounded by people who don't have children and I was talking to Stevie Martin, my friend from, Stevie Martin from Taskmaster. So lovely. And she was like, what are you doing for your birthday? And I was like, oh, I said to Chris, I was like, I wanna go for lunch. We're going for dinner at a lovely restaurant where we live and I wanna have wine with my lunch. I wanna come back home. I want, because I love being around my family, but I wanna sit and watch a film and eat crisps and drink wine. I don't actually want anything to do with them, but I want them just to be around so I can hear them playing and they can come in and give us a hug and stuff, but also leave us alone. I don't wanna do bedtime and I just wanna sit and slob out for the rest of the day.

• 41:48Speaker 01

  And I was like, that's what I wanna do for my fortieth birthday. And I felt like my face went really kind of like still and she just sort of looked and she was like, that's like my day every day?

• 42:01Speaker 01

  And I thought, no, it is.

• 42:02Speaker 00

  So she every day is living.

• 42:04Speaker 01

  Not every day because she's got jobs, but she could if she wanted to.

• 42:07Speaker 00

  I wanted, she, you basically, you were described any day off that she has.

• 42:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's like Sunday. I know, I could have vomited. That's the thing though, like.

• 42:16Speaker 00

  I get jealous of people who get to have Sunday.

• 42:17Speaker 01

  When you have children, you just, you don't, you're like, yeah, you sit down for an hour and you think, oh my God, I'm so disgusting. I'm a slob.

• 42:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:25Speaker 01

  I never used to get out of bed on a Saturday. I would just stay in bed all day and I would go have a bath and I'd get back into bed.

• 42:31Speaker 00

  Nice.

• 42:32Speaker 01

  And I would never, I had no judgement for myself at all. Do you remember?

• 42:37Speaker 00

  Can't do it now, man. You've got stuff to do.

• 42:38Speaker 01

  We used to have sex a lot. Do you remember? We used to just lie in bed all day, have sex like whenever we wanted to. And now.

• 42:45Speaker 00

  I do remember. And that's, that's when I'm having me wanks in the dark, that is what I remember.

• 42:50Speaker 01

  I think it'll come back. I think, no, because once the kids, like, once the kids can like, get themselves completely ready and like maybe drive a car and shit and like you just don't have to do stuff. I think me and you will go, we'll stay in bed all day and we'll just have sex and stuff.

• 43:06Speaker 00

  Great.

• 43:07Speaker 01

  Can't wait. Very excited.

• 43:08Speaker 00

  I'm very excited.

• 43:09Speaker 01

  Okay, let's not split up before then because.

• 43:11Speaker 00

  Let's have a couple of days of it at least before we split up. Yeah.

• 43:13Speaker 01

  No, it's coming. It's all coming, babe. It's coming. You'll be coming.

• 43:21Speaker 00

  Great, great work. Tell you, being the fringe, all that art rubbing off on you.

• 43:25Speaker 01

  Babadu babadu babadu ba. To Chris and Rosie, something devastatingly embarrassed just happened to me, embarrassing, sorry, just happened to me. And I knew I had to immediately let you know.

• 43:34Speaker 00

  Love these ones.

• 43:35Speaker 01

  Um, I've been a long time listener of the pod and I think this incident will be right up your street. So I've just done my weekly shop.

• 43:42Speaker 00

  People who can do weekly shop, so jealous. So I'm at the fucking shops every day.

• 43:48Speaker 01

  Well, that's because we used to do a weekly shop.

• 43:51Speaker 00

  No, I still have to go and get something that's ran out or something I forgot every single time. And then spurious irritating things run out, like dishwasher. The dishwasher's like, oh, I need salt. And I'm like, well, it's, oh.

• 44:02Speaker 01

  Or like I ran out of garlic granules the other day and I was like, I can't, I can't just get them.

• 44:06Speaker 00

  Any people who are just like, I go and do the weekly shop, I get these things in and then I just, you're so fucking organised and I'm so jealous, so jealous. So do they never pop to the shop for anything else?

• 44:16Speaker 01

  This might just be our big shop. Can you chill out?

• 44:20Speaker 00

  I'm so jealous.

• 44:21Speaker 01

  Jesus.

• 44:21Speaker 00

  It's just level of, level of organisation and, and, and a handle on your life that I would love to have.

• 44:26Speaker 01

  Well, it's the shop that is notoriously known for scanning really quickly.

• 44:31Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 44:31Speaker 01

  Uh huh. Now, like all supermarkets, there's that stressful moment when the speed of your packing doesn't match the speed of their scanning. Like she's, she's too slow. I'm terrible at packing bags and you find yourself.

• 44:43Speaker 00

  Amazing at packing bags. And I don't big me up about many, big myself up about many things, but I'm telling you right now, in a, in a, in a previous life, I've been a professional.

• 44:52Speaker 01

  I think so. I think you have literally been a football coach in a previous life.

• 44:57Speaker 00

  Putting stuff away.

• 44:58Speaker 01

  For all of the kids' teams, local kids' teams.

• 45:00Speaker 00

  Putting all the stuff away.

• 45:01Speaker 01

  All of the stuff away in supermarkets. I think you've had so much practice. And I think like, like back in the day, if you, like the quick save or the prestos would have given you like a medal.

• 45:12Speaker 00

  Do you know what? That shit you said earlier on about going in a room and smelling, smelling us, that's not a compliment. What you've just said there, that's a compliment.

• 45:19Speaker 01

  You're welcome.

• 45:19Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 45:20Speaker 01

  I hear myself.

• 45:21Speaker 00

  Supermarkets would have given me a medal for how good I ever packed.

• 45:23Speaker 01

  Can I tell you right now? Ick, right? Ick to myself. When I'm packing me bags, I always say to the cashier, oh, my husband's so much better at me than me that is. Because I'm like, I'm like embarrassed and I like have to tell them that actually I do, like I don't normally do this.

• 45:37Speaker 00

  Just give you a quick tip. Quick tip, anyone listening. Get your bag. Put your pizzas, your pizzas on first. Put your pizzas first. Pizzas and heavy things first.

• 45:45Speaker 01

  I go heavy things.

• 45:47Speaker 00

  Not just heavy things. You need your pizzas on first. It's scaffolding for the bag. Hold the bag open. Put your pizza there. No, no, down the side. So your bag's there and your pizza's down the side and it keeps the bag rigid. It gives you, it gives you basically a base to put everything else on. Then you can put sort of bananas, fruit and stuff at the bottom. Then you can put lighter things on the top of that. Then even if you've got enough space, loaf of bread on the top, put that in, next one.

• 46:08Speaker 01

  I do all my fruit and veg in the same bag.

• 46:10Speaker 00

  Okay, you can do that if you want. It's okay. It's okay. Don't get us wrong. I would never put like, I would never put dishwasher salt in with the fruit and veg. That's madness. Why would I do that? I'll put that in with sort of your deodorants, yeah, you know, your other things, maybe a pair of socks I might have got or some F and F underpants, which I'm a big fan of. You know, but you need scaffolding for your bag. That's what you need.

• 46:28Speaker 01

  Like, thank you.

• 46:29Speaker 00

  Yeah. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

• 46:31Speaker 01

  Great. Are you done?

• 46:33Speaker 00

  Uh, yes. And could I also just say as well, being told I was the best packer in the world, which is, I'm sure you said something like that, universe. I think you said universe. Also, that, that's up there with when the guy came out to service the hot tub and he said that it's the, one of the cleanest residential hot tubs he's ever seen. Both well-maintained residential hot tubs he's ever seen.

• 46:55Speaker 01

  I'm buzzing with that because that's.

• 46:57Speaker 00

  Very proud of myself.

• 46:58Speaker 01

  We should go in later.

• 46:59Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 46:59Speaker 01

  God, I love our hot. So much. The best thing I've ever bought.

• 47:03Speaker 00

  Class. Golf's a bit better, but fair enough.

• 47:05Speaker 01

  No, never. Listen, I found this particularly stressful in this certain supermarket. I'm not sure whether it's just my local store, but this section after the scanning, the section after the scanning is really small. So you definitely need to pack it like this.

• 47:19Speaker 00

  Bottle necks. Oh, there's nothing worse than when they all go all the way up the little hill thing and then they're just waiting going, you need to pack these faster. Oh, so I'll throw them across the top of the other ones.

• 47:28Speaker 01

  But then you can't win because sometimes you get a really slow scanner.

• 47:31Speaker 00

  I love a slow scanner.

• 47:32Speaker 01

  Oh, I don't. I'm literally like, come on. No, because man, listen. So today, there I was, frantically grabbing items as the kind young man speedily scanned more through. In my haste, I just kept grabbing stuff and shoving it into my bag rather than actually looking at what I was doing. No scaffolding. When I grabbed something that.

• 47:51Speaker 00

  She's crushed up bread.

• 47:52Speaker 01

  She's crushed up bread. When I grabbed something that didn't feel right, glancing up, I realised I had grabbed, yes, you guessed it.

• 48:01Speaker 00

  No.

• 48:02Speaker 01

  This poor young man's hand.

• 48:06Speaker 00

  Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, that's fucking awful.

• 48:11Speaker 01

  You be the scanner. This is more for YouTube.

• 48:16Speaker 00

  Coming home with me.

• 48:18Speaker 01

  Oh my child, yeah.

• 48:22Speaker 00

  Do you come with the shopping?

• 48:23Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 48:24Speaker 00

  Oh, that's so upsetting.

• 48:25Speaker 01

  I know.

• 48:25Speaker 00

  Grabbed his hand.

• 48:28Speaker 01

  She apologised and then she left, yeah.

• 48:30Speaker 00

  Bless you.

• 48:31Speaker 01

  I know. Hi Rosie and Chris. I'm one of four siblings and we recently had a family get together.

• 48:37Speaker 00

  Nice.

• 48:37Speaker 01

  My sister was late to join us and turned up without her husband. When she arrived, we obviously asked where Daniel, not his real name, was. Uh, sorry, I'm later said.

• 48:46Speaker 00

  Why did they say that? Daniel then?

• 48:47Speaker 01

  It's not his real name, we're just using it.

• 48:49Speaker 00

  I'm joking.

• 48:49Speaker 01

  Um, sorry, I'm later said, Daniel was mugged last night.

• 48:53Speaker 00

  Whoa.

• 48:54Speaker 01

  We all looked at her, open mouthed, how awful. I know she said, looking at us deadpan, ick.

• 49:02Speaker 00

  Oh my god. No way. No fucking way.

• 49:07Speaker 01

  We all immediately creased up laughing because we were all thinking the same thing.

• 49:11Speaker 00

  Ah!

• 49:12Speaker 01

  Don't worry.

• 49:13Speaker 00

  Bunch of bastards.

• 49:15Speaker 01

  Don't worry, he's fine, she explained. Someone snatched his phone out of his hands, it was unlocked, so they've managed to get into his banking and emails and locked him out of everything. He's at home trying to sort it all out. I do really feel sorry for him, but seriously, what an ick.

• 49:29Speaker 00

  That's absolutely.

• 49:30Speaker 01

  Honestly, guys, you, you're fucked. You're fucked.

• 49:33Speaker 00

  That, you can't even get mugged without it being your fault when you're in.

• 49:36Speaker 01

  So, victim of a crime, locked out of his entire life and somehow also slightly less attractive to his wife. Careful out there, mugging. Careful out there lads, mugging equals big ick. Oh, it doesn't, I'd be gutted if you got mugged.

• 49:48Speaker 00

  That's like one of the worst cases of victim blaming I've ever heard. That is so uncool.

• 49:51Speaker 01

  It is funny.

• 49:52Speaker 00

  I know, I, again, again, there's logic to it, I understand.

• 49:56Speaker 01

  I think it's for women.

• 49:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, I, we hardly understand, I understand it. It's sadly, they've got a point, which is awful.

• 50:05Speaker 01

  Oh, you got mugged.

• 50:09Speaker 01

  Fucking brilliant. Oh brilliant. Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba. Dear Chris and Rosie, I've been listening to the podcast since the start of the year and I've been loving listening, so I thought I'd write in.

• 50:19Speaker 00

  Welcome, welcome.

• 50:20Speaker 01

  Thank you very much.

• 50:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, I don't think we ever say it, like.

• 50:22Speaker 01

  I know, sorry, I didn't mean, actually, I normally don't.

• 50:24Speaker 00

  Welcome so much and thank you to new listeners, we, we can't, you know, thank you.

• 50:27Speaker 01

  They've also normally always, all of our letters, all of our emails, sorry, have got that on. I just don't.

• 50:32Speaker 00

  We don't read that bit.

• 50:33Speaker 01

  Read them out.

• 50:33Speaker 00

  Well, thank, thank you.

• 50:34Speaker 01

  Thank you, everyone.

• 50:35Speaker 00

  It's amazing that people are still discovering this.

• 50:36Speaker 01

  I said that just today, I was like, I can't believe we're still getting emails, like, what the, the F?

• 50:40Speaker 00

  And new listeners, it's amazing, thank you.

• 50:42Speaker 01

  So thank you.

• 50:43Speaker 00

  We love it.

• 50:43Speaker 01

  Um, this happened a while ago, but I thought you'd enjoy it. You and Chris have spoke about how you grew up working class and now are middle class, which is, which is weird.

• 50:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, I suppose annoyingly we are. Still got work, yeah, I'm still, I'm still working.

• 50:56Speaker 01

  I don't think it ever leaves you.

• 50:58Speaker 00

  Do you know I still have?

• 50:58Speaker 01

  We'll live differently.

• 50:59Speaker 00

  Have I talked about this on the podcast? Who was I talking about this the other day? Who was I talking to? Oh, it was Carl, me and Carl. So Carl started to get like, like when he's like plodding around Gosforth, when he's just doing his day to day life. He's, he's starting to get like recognised and stuff and people, you know, because he's doing the city hall in Newcastle on the next leg of his tour. Like, and he's obviously supporting me on my tour, which goes out again in September. Thank you everyone, starts the 10th of September, so you're there. And, uh, we have moments, and even I have them, where someone's looking at you, like a bloke is looking at you. And my immediate reaction is, fuck's that prick looking at? And then I go, oh. And Carl has them as well, someone came up and he was like, oh fucking hell, what's this? And we're like, are you Carl? And he was like, oh yeah, sorry. He's like, ready to fucking deck them, like.

• 51:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, but at one point, it's, at some point in the future, you'll have been recognisable longer than you haven't been.

• 51:48Speaker 00

  In January, January 17th, next year, it'll be 20 years since I first got on stage.

• 51:56Speaker 01

  Sick.

• 51:57Speaker 00

  Ick.

• 51:57Speaker 01

  That's not an ick, that's amazing.

• 51:58Speaker 00

  January 17th, I think January 17th is my first ever gig.

• 52:01Speaker 01

  Well done.

• 52:01Speaker 00

  Yeah. Mad.

• 52:03Speaker 01

  All right. Um.

• 52:04Speaker 00

  Well, you could give less of a fuck. Okay, hurry up.

• 52:06Speaker 01

  I said, well, oh Jesus Christ. I said, I said, well done, that's class.

• 52:11Speaker 00

  I'm joking, I'm joking.

• 52:12Speaker 01

  That's so, oh my god.

• 52:14Speaker 00

  That's better.

• 52:15Speaker 01

  Eek! I don't know what you want.

• 52:18Speaker 00

  Um, fireworks.

• 52:19Speaker 01

  You want, you shouldn't have married me, I am not happy enough for you.

• 52:24Speaker 00

  Maybe a little dance, maybe a cartwheel. Little backflip.

• 52:26Speaker 01

  I can't, I've never, can I tell you right now?

• 52:28Speaker 00

  Tell you what, learn to do a backflip and then whenever I tell you something I've achieved, just do a backflip on the spot, that's all I ask. Is that too, is that too much to ask of a marriage?

• 52:36Speaker 01

  Don't, because you're bringing up some trauma here.

• 52:38Speaker 00

  That you can't backflip.

• 52:39Speaker 01

  I, I could never cartwheel at school.

• 52:40Speaker 00

  No.

• 52:41Speaker 01

  Do you remember when all the girls used to cartwheel? I used to wear shorts under my skirt. I couldn't do a fucking cartwheel to save my life. They used to all do it against the wall, they used to like go against the wall, do you remember? Handstand against the wall, I couldn't do it. So, but I would still, I would still wear shorts under my skirt.

• 52:56Speaker 00

  Oh, that's what the shorts are for, for?

• 52:57Speaker 01

  So you don't show your niggas?

• 52:59Speaker 00

  Oh right, so you're like, oh, I'm in the, I'm in the handstand gang, but I can't do them.

• 53:02Speaker 01

  Ever do it. And, and I used to try sometimes.

• 53:04Speaker 00

  Were your shorts not under your skirt just because you did regularly shit your pants at school? It was just cat's shit.

• 53:11Speaker 01

  We've got new listeners who won't have ever listened to that episode.

• 53:14Speaker 00

  Shat pants once.

• 53:14Speaker 01

  I've shit my pants.

• 53:17Speaker 01

  And my mum phoned me niggas at the end of the day.

• 53:19Speaker 00

  And this was, this was.

• 53:20Speaker 01

  She said, was that your cow pad?

• 53:21Speaker 00

  She was, she was, she was 17, she was recent at J C S A's, I called her and she shat her pants.

• 53:24Speaker 01

  I wasn't, but it was, uh, it was later on than what you're thinking.

• 53:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 53:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:29Speaker 00

  15?

• 53:30Speaker 01

  No.

• 53:31Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 53:32Speaker 01

  Don't, because it's bad.

• 53:33Speaker 00

  So you still can't do a cartwheel?

• 53:34Speaker 01

  No, I can't do a cartwheel.

• 53:36Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 53:36Speaker 01

  I haven't tried for a while, I'm not even gonna try now.

• 53:38Speaker 00

  You're, you're breaking ours, it'll be awful.

• 53:40Speaker 01

  Josh, well, can we get on with this?

• 53:41Speaker 00

  No.

• 53:42Speaker 01

  Um, which is, so very similar to her pa, to my parents.

• 53:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 53:48Speaker 01

  Who's wrote this, they grew up working class. Um, so basically, you grow up without a bit of money and then you get a bit of money. But you still have the same values?

• 53:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think that's fine.

• 54:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, a lot of comedians have done shows about it.

• 54:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jason Manford, uh, muddle class.

• 54:05Speaker 01

  It's true.

• 54:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:06Speaker 01

  It's true. Because even though you can afford it, I sometimes have a day out with the kids and I go, you fucking what?

• 54:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 54:13Speaker 01

  How much?

• 54:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:14Speaker 01

  I mean, I know I can afford it, but Jesus.

• 54:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, there's a difference between being able to afford something and, and letting someone, you know, take the piss out of you financially, but yeah.

• 54:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, but it never goes, that thing. Anyway, listen. However, my pa, my parents, particularly my dad, struggles with this. One evening, me and my sister were correcting my dad and telling him he can no longer identify as working class. He quickly replied saying, I'm working and I'm class.

• 54:43Speaker 01

  To which me and my sister pissed ourselves laughing. A couple of months later, my dad stopped working and despite, and despite this, proudly proclaiming, well, I'm still class.

• 54:51Speaker 00

  Brilliant.

• 54:52Speaker 01

  This is four years ago. And since we, and since then, we have purchased plenty of pint glasses with his iconic phrase across there.

• 54:58Speaker 00

  So, so if anyone in the south are listening, class is a Geordie word for brilliant.

• 55:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:03Speaker 00

  Class that, that's class, like pure class.

• 55:07Speaker 01

  Do you wanna hear a Geordie joke?

• 55:08Speaker 00

  Uh, yes.

• 55:10Speaker 01

  Yeah? Dear Chris and Rosie, what's the difference between a kangaroo?

• 55:15Speaker 00

  No, no.

• 55:17Speaker 01

  I've told you the, the.

• 55:18Speaker 00

  I just know it, it's very famous.

• 55:19Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 55:21Speaker 00

  A kangaroo and a kangaroo.

• 55:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:23Speaker 00

  One is an Australian marsupial and the other one is a Geordie trapped in a lift. Don't assume that I don't know every single Geordie joke, come on man. I was on Capital Breakfast, I was on Capital Breakfast recently, uh, I, I've got the top score. I beat Josh Riddickham and John Bishop on Capital Breakfast, doing their dad jokes, finishing off their dad jokes.

• 55:43Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 55:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, there's a leaderboard with, as far as I know, only our three names on and I'm winning.

• 55:47Speaker 01

  You know a lot of shit jokes.

• 55:48Speaker 00

  Thank you, thank you.

• 55:50Speaker 01

  Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba. Hi guys, um, I went to the dentist yesterday. When I was having my x-rays done, the dentist, who was quite an attractive man, practically pressed himself up against the wall to avoid the radiation.

• 56:05Speaker 01

  To be fair, it was more the comparison of him leaving the room the other times, but just awkwardly staying inside this time.

• 56:10Speaker 00

  Oh, so he pressed him up against the wall this time?

• 56:12Speaker 01

  So he used to leave the, do you know, I've talked about this before, then they kind of leave and then they just come straight back.

• 56:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, because the difference is, one little jolt of it, every time you get your teeth checked every six months or whatever, is fine. They're doing it four, five, six times a day.

• 56:25Speaker 01

  He's just pressed himself up against the.

• 56:26Speaker 00

  But he's got to the wall, that's so weird. So normally the leave, but he just got quick.

• 56:34Speaker 01

  She's basically just saying it was awful and she doesn't fancy him anymore, so you can't win. Even the dentists are getting griefed, do you know what I mean?

• 56:42Speaker 00

  Dent, see, a good looking dentist or a good looking doctor is always gonna be quite a swan. So like, a good looking dentist, good looking doctor, good looking pilot, do you know what I mean? They're always gonna be like, mm, you know what I mean, I imagine, I can see them, if I could draw them, I could draw them, I'd be able to draw you the perfect one. It's always like a bump, but again, even them, even them, they're still, it's so easy to turn people off you.

• 57:03Speaker 01

  Do you wanna hear something?

• 57:04Speaker 00

  What?

• 57:04Speaker 01

  Just not my type.

• 57:06Speaker 00

  Really?

• 57:06Speaker 01

  No.

• 57:07Speaker 00

  No?

• 57:08Speaker 01

  No.

• 57:08Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 57:09Speaker 01

  Not my type.

• 57:10Speaker 00

  I know what you mean.

• 57:12Speaker 01

  Too clever. I'd just feel stupid.

• 57:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, I know what you mean.

• 57:16Speaker 01

  No disrespect, because you are quite clever, in a different sort of way.

• 57:19Speaker 00

  I think I highly.

• 57:20Speaker 01

  But if I was married to a doctor or something, I would just feel permanently stupid.

• 57:23Speaker 00

  I know what you mean.

• 57:24Speaker 01

  So I'm, no, like literally, like.

• 57:26Speaker 00

  But we still, have we talked about?

• 57:28Speaker 01

  I don't wanna spend my life like that, what?

• 57:30Speaker 00

  Have we talked about the fact that, this might not stay in, I don't think I've ever done this past year. Have we talked on here about the time that we went and looked at the house and we asked them, that was a really nice house, and we asked them what they did? And the man and woman showing around went, we're both doctors.

• 57:43Speaker 01

  We're both doctors.

• 57:44Speaker 00

  And we quoted it for fucking like years. We've said, guys, we'll still say it now, like, such asshole.

• 57:51Speaker 01

  What do you guys do?

• 57:51Speaker 00

  We're both doctors. We're, we're both doctors.

• 57:55Speaker 01

  It was that, it was an aggressive tone, we're both doctors, right?

• 57:58Speaker 00

  So fuck you.

• 57:59Speaker 01

  We're both, we're, what are we, we're, we're, we're both podcasters. We should start saying it.

• 58:03Speaker 00

  But it was, they could have went, we're doctors, we're both doctors.

• 58:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:07Speaker 00

  Oh, okay.

• 58:08Speaker 01

  It was aggressive. And that's, that circles back to why you never, ever really don't properly move from your class system.

• 58:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 58:18Speaker 01

  Because we, it just made me feel like shit.

• 58:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:21Speaker 01

  As if, because, well, in their defence, right?

• 58:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:26Speaker 01

  They'd lived in this house forever, it was a lovely, beautiful house, it was quite a big house.

• 58:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:30Speaker 01

  You know, and we just came rocking up in our trainers and shit.

• 58:34Speaker 00

  To look around.

• 58:35Speaker 01

  To look around their house, and I think they were like, oh no, no, no, no, no, like, and then we should have went back with our bags and like, been like, big mistake, huge mistake, but we didn't, but anyway.

• 58:45Speaker 00

  We're back carrying, carrying another house, carrying a different house, big mistake. But it's, but like, yeah, we're both doctors, I know what you mean, I know what you mean.

• 58:54Speaker 01

  We did quote that for a long time, I love quoting shit.

• 58:56Speaker 00

  Big love for the doctors out there though, you know, couldn't live without you, literally.

• 58:59Speaker 01

  Oh my god, I love doctors, but.

• 59:00Speaker 00

  Just don't wanna move in with one or marry one, because it feels stupid.

• 59:03Speaker 01

  It's my own insecurities. I, I, when I'm around really intelligent people, I feel like a piece of shit.

• 59:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 59:10Speaker 01

  Do you not?

• 59:10Speaker 00

  You should.

• 59:11Speaker 01

  No, I do, I genuinely feel like a piece of shit.

• 59:14Speaker 00

  I know what you mean, but I don't, again, that's just you, because I don't think intelligent people are deliberately trying to make you feel like shit, I think that's just your.

• 59:19Speaker 01

  No, god, no, it's my own insecurities of being not very like intelligent, but that's fine. Worldly wise, aren't I though? I know everything about the world. The common sense is bang on.

• 59:30Speaker 00

  Right, okay, maybe, maybe not.

• 59:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 59:33Speaker 00

  Well, with these, with these curses kicking, we'll see how you do.

• 59:36Speaker 01

  Come on, wait.

• 59:43Speaker 00

  Thirty, twenty-nine, twenty-eight, twenty-seven.

• 59:46Speaker 01

  Listen, thank you so much for listening and watching this week's episode of Shag My Denoy. I love you, he just likes you as a friend.

• 59:54Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 59:54Speaker 01

  Because he's married to me, keep your hands off bitch. Because as we've all worked out, I'm clinically straight.

• 1:00:00Speaker 00

  Right, there it is, yeah, yeah, terminally straight.

• 1:00:03Speaker 01

  Terminally straight.

• 1:00:05Speaker 00

  Guys, again, just to reiterate what Rosie said, thank you so, so much for listening. Well, don't take it for granted, and thank you for watching. If you are, please subscribe on YouTube and subscribe on your podcast operator or shop or whatever you want to fucking call them. I get annoyed calling podcast shop, it is quite irritating. Podcast app, does that work? That probably works, that's probably the right way to say it. Listen, I'm on tour next month, 10th of September it starts, I'm going all over the place. There's still some tickets left for some of the venues. Hull, Derby, get your fucking arses in gear.

• 1:00:31Speaker 01

  I totally know. Oh, it's the same as last time. They don't like you there. There is literally a shrine in the local post office of we hate Chris Ramsey, he's a dick. Why do you keep booking these places?

• 1:00:46Speaker 00

  That's good. No, the thing is, right, there was an assembly rooms venue in Derby, which was a perfect size for me, it was like fifteen hundred to two thousand or whatever.

• 1:00:52Speaker 01

  Too many?

• 1:00:53Speaker 00

  But it burned down. How dare you? It burned down. I've sold it out before, but it burned down. And then I couldn't go to Derby, and now there's a new Derby one, but it's like a fucking, like a half arena. It's like three and a half thousand seats. And I've done it, I've done around the air. Listen, if you have anywhere near Derby, just come to that fucking gig, right?

• 1:01:08Speaker 01

  Please go by, please go to this gig.

• 1:01:10Speaker 00

  It's gonna be good.

• 1:01:10Speaker 01

  Because you'll have a breakdown, and I'm too young and too pretty to be married to a man who's having a nervous breakdown.

• 1:01:16Speaker 00

  Well, that's a very selfish way to look at my potential breakdown. But there we go. Guys, thank you so much. If you want to get in touch, [email protected], the WhatsApp number, I can't be honest, get me a phone out, you can see it, it's in the things. And we'll be back in your ears next week, and Rosie will be forty.

• 1:01:29Speaker 01

  Ah!

• 1:01:34Speaker 00

  She's got her tits up, but I'm probably gonna edit out the video to be fair, so there we go.

• 1:01:39Speaker 02

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