Please Keep Me Anonymous - Best Of Part Two

In the second instalment of Please Keep Me Anonymous Best Ofs, Chris and Rosie are joined by Greg Davies, Vogue Williams, Olly Murs and fellow podcasting duo Jordan North and William Hanson! They chat about the I'm A Celeb jungle, haircuts at Harrods, X factor and Greg's appearance on ChuckleVision. All this, with stories sent in by you and read out by the guests! If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch! 📧: [email protected] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:02Speaker 00

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• 0:30Speaker 01

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• 1:22Speaker 02

  It's Greg Davies, everyone.

• 1:25Speaker 03

  Just us three clapping.

• 1:26Speaker 02

  Just us three clapping.

• 1:27Speaker 03

  And you're clapping yourself. The loneliest claps in Britain.

• 1:30Speaker 04

  Let's add some applause into that. Thank you very much. Thanks so much for coming.

• 1:35Speaker 03

  Thanks for having me.

• 1:35Speaker 04

  And having a chat with us. It's absolutely lovely to see you.

• 1:38Speaker 03

  Can I imagine what it's like working with you? Must be awful, isn't it?

• 1:41Speaker 04

  What? Just us two?

• 1:44Speaker 03

  Working with your partner?

• 1:46Speaker 04

  Oh, right. Okay. Do you know what?

• 1:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, we love it.

• 1:48Speaker 04

  It has its moments. It's not always plain sailing.

• 1:52Speaker 03

  No.

• 1:53Speaker 04

  But it's actually, I've got to tell you, right, the one nice thing is, I don't know about you, while you've been in this industry a long time, it can sometimes be really daunting when you start something on your own. Doing it with your partner,

• 2:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:04Speaker 04

  you don't really get that feeling.

• 2:06Speaker 03

  No, okay.

• 2:06Speaker 04

  Does that make sense?

• 2:07Speaker 03

  Yeah, and you weirdly seem to get on well.

• 2:09Speaker 04

  Me too. I know, it's sick, isn't it? It's sick.

• 2:13Speaker 02

  I was really worried there because he was like, "Where's your partner?" And I went, "Oh no, we love it." And then you went into a long tirade. I was like, "Oh shit, I've really left myself open here."

• 2:20Speaker 04

  No, Chris likes it more than me.

• 2:22Speaker 03

  Does he?

• 2:23Speaker 04

  Yeah, Chris. Like, look, Chris will do it forever.

• 2:25Speaker 03

  He likes you more than you like him.

• 2:27Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 2:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:28Speaker 04

  But that's what you're meant to do.

• 2:29Speaker 02

  Unbelievable.

• 2:30Speaker 04

  You're meant to marry, as a woman, maybe more. You're meant to marry someone who loves you more than you love them.

• 2:34Speaker 03

  Is that right?

• 2:35Speaker 02

  First I'm hearing of this. First I'm hearing of this in front of Greg Davies. This is well upsetting.

• 2:38Speaker 03

  How's that feel?

• 2:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, I'll let you know when I've absorbed it. I'll let you know when I've when I've sort of ran it through my head.

• 2:45Speaker 04

  Ladies, marry someone who loves you more than you love them.

• 2:48Speaker 03

  But it's on the hell of love, you feel towards him.

• 2:50Speaker 04

  I do love him, but he loves me.

• 2:52Speaker 03

  But you're not in love with him. I get it.

• 2:55Speaker 02

  Sorry, are we in fucking therapy? Is this therapy? Is this therapy? Are we interviewing Greg Davies about the new season of Buzzcocks? What's happening?

• 3:02Speaker 04

  Listen, do you love, right, okay.

• 3:05Speaker 02

  Right.

• 3:05Speaker 04

  Do you love me more than I love you? Yes or no?

• 3:08Speaker 02

  Uh, depends.

• 3:09Speaker 04

  In your opinion?

• 3:10Speaker 02

  Depends what time of the month it is. Are you on in this scenario?

• 3:13Speaker 04

  Uh, no.

• 3:14Speaker 02

  No, well, yeah, well, I love you. Yeah, yeah, amazingly. But when you're on, nah, I'll take it, I'll leave you.

• 3:19Speaker 04

  Oh, great, okay. Talk about periods straight away, sorry.

• 3:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 3:22Speaker 04

  Yeah, why not?

• 3:23Speaker 02

  It's, sorry, that's not, I'm not, that's not as sexist as it sounds. Rosie's very much, our period is the third host of this podcast.

• 3:30Speaker 03

  What you're saying is, you like women unless they're ovulating.

• 3:33Speaker 02

  Exactly.

• 3:33Speaker 03

  That's what I've heard.

• 3:34Speaker 02

  That's, that is, and I will be, you can clip that up, and I will stand by that.

• 3:39Speaker 04

  I think you're meant to love women more when they're ovulating.

• 3:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 3:43Speaker 04

  It's like an old kind of...

• 3:45Speaker 02

  Evolutionary thing?

• 3:45Speaker 04

  Yeah, that's when you're meant to love them more. So actually, I think you might be gay.

• 3:51Speaker 03

  This show, this show gets edited, yeah? This is edited.

• 3:55Speaker 04

  Not very loosely. This might all stick.

• 3:58Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 4:03Speaker 02

  Is that okay to say? I don't know if that's okay to say. I don't know.

• 4:06Speaker 04

  No, they're not gays.

• 4:07Speaker 03

  I mean, if it's not going to get heavily edited, I'd just like to say, I have great admiration for ovulating women and gays.

• 4:14Speaker 03

  Just for the record.

• 4:15Speaker 04

  They'll be glad, we'll all be glad about that.

• 4:17Speaker 02

  That's good. Well, what we're going to do is, we're going to take all of the stuff we said out and you're just going to say that out of nowhere.

• 4:22Speaker 03

  I'm just going to go, I like ovulating women and gays.

• 4:24Speaker 02

  We're going to ask you about Buzzcocks and you're going to say, "I just want to say..."

• 4:27Speaker 03

  It's not a quote that's going to ruin me, Chris.

• 4:29Speaker 02

  No, no, no.

• 4:29Speaker 03

  I like ovulating women and gays. I mean, it's going to be weird.

• 4:35Speaker 04

  It works. It'll go, it'll go very well. How was the jungle?

• 4:40Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 4:42Speaker 04

  You're fresh, you are fresh out.

• 4:44Speaker 05

  Fresh out. I've had the facial, got the hair done, nails are done, I'm back.

• 4:48Speaker 04

  Yeah. How long have you been back? Like, two or three days?

• 4:50Speaker 05

  Two days.

• 4:52Speaker 03

  Fucking hell, man.

• 4:54Speaker 05

  I was busy. I was like, time to scrape off the rotten.

• 4:57Speaker 04

  Was it mingin? Was it as mingin as it looks?

• 5:00Speaker 05

  It's, like, I didn't speak to anyone before going in. First mistake.

• 5:04Speaker 04

  So silly.

• 5:05Speaker 05

  So much harder than it looks on TV. Like, it's, it's wild. Like, Svenny was like, "Oh, I read an article where it said that they weren't being hard enough on the celebs." I was like, "What?"

• 5:16Speaker 02

  It's always nice to go in after they've had that revelation.

• 5:18Speaker 05

  Oh, I know.

• 5:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. Going straight after the you where it was easy. Yeah, that'll be nice.

• 5:22Speaker 05

  Yeah, it was not easy. But it is a lot of fun. And like, I've made, I have made good friends. Because at the start, when they were all reading.

• 5:30Speaker 02

  I have a fuck. We will not speak to them in a month.

• 5:32Speaker 05

  I texted Ruby Wax this morning.

• 5:34Speaker 04

  I love Ruby Wax.

• 5:35Speaker 02

  All right, come back in six months and tell me if you're still speaking well.

• 5:38Speaker 05

  Well, you will see. I will be with her in a month.

• 5:41Speaker 02

  What you have done, you have made, no, no, you have made a holiday friend. We've all done it. We've all made holiday, "Let's meet up. Oh, yeah, you come out, yeah." And if they do meet up, you take them into your local and it's fucking horrible. They hate this.

• 5:55Speaker 05

  Well, excuse me for now, I have friends.

• 5:56Speaker 04

  Yeah, for now. She's still in the bubble.

• 5:58Speaker 02

  Actually, I'm totally kidding because holiday friends, it's because you're in an amazing place. You're around a pool and stuff, so you make friends easier. It's probably actually harder to make friends in the jungle. Because one of the hardest bits I would find, this is genuine, I don't, everyone always says, "Will you go in the jungle or whatever?" And I'm like, "I think most of the country would hate me if I went in the jungle because I'm showing true colours."

• 6:18Speaker 04

  Yeah, he's horrible.

• 6:19Speaker 02

  I need a certain amount of the day where I'm just on my own and left. I need silence. I need to bear my own thoughts. The sitting around, filling the silence with people in the camp who stink would upset me so much. The whole, the whole country would be like, and I'm not, I'm not saying, fair play if you can do it, but everyone watching would go, "He is a nob."

• 6:42Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 6:42Speaker 02

  He, he rolled, every time that poor lady said something, he rolled his eyes and then he went into that little booth and he slagged everyone off and he's not even, and he just looks into the distance when they're talking.

• 6:51Speaker 04

  You're not a team player either.

• 6:52Speaker 02

  Nah, nah, sorry.

• 6:53Speaker 05

  The thing of it is though, like, you are filmed the whole day, so you don't, and I, like, I love being around people. I never spend time on my own. Not one second do I spend on my own.

• 7:02Speaker 04

  Right, okay.

• 7:03Speaker 05

  Can't bear it. So it was fine, but...

• 7:05Speaker 04

  So you go prime for it, yeah.

• 7:06Speaker 05

  They were very singy. So you would have liked it.

• 7:08Speaker 04

  I probably would. I probably would love it, yeah.

• 7:10Speaker 05

  I'm not.

• 7:11Speaker 02

  When I'm at, when I'm at a gathering and some fucking twat gets an acoustic guitar out, I want to wrap it around the head.

• 7:17Speaker 05

  Honestly, oh god, that's, that is the worst.

• 7:20Speaker 04

  I see, I would like that bit.

• 7:22Speaker 02

  I can't. "Oh, look, Daryl brought his guitar." Oh, what?

• 7:25Speaker 05

  No, no. I used to be married to a singer and I'd be like, "Ugh, please, cruel."

• 7:33Speaker 02

  Whoa.

• 7:35Speaker 05

  I'm just not a singy person. I'm not like a, because I'm shite at it. I'm a really bad singer. I'm not a good dancer and there was a lot of singing and dancing. So I found that bit a little bit hard.

• 7:44Speaker 04

  Cringe.

• 7:44Speaker 05

  But like, it's, it's not even that it was cringe because they were really good.

• 7:47Speaker 04

  Yeah, okay.

• 7:48Speaker 05

  It's cringe if people are shit.

• 7:49Speaker 04

  If people are shit. Do you know what I can't bear? I can't bear like board games and stuff. Do you know when people walk a board game out and when they're like, "Let's do this." I'm like, "I'd rather die. Like, I'd rather die."

• 7:59Speaker 05

  We played a lot of games.

• 8:00Speaker 04

  See, this is, no, see, right. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do the games and shit.

• 8:04Speaker 05

  You're so bored though that you do this. You're so bored that you're like...

• 8:08Speaker 04

  Because there's no alternative.

• 8:09Speaker 02

  So is, is, like, it's, most of it is just sitting around doing nothing?

• 8:13Speaker 05

  So you get, we tried to work out the time because you don't know what time it is. They never tell you what time it is and no one's allowed to talk to you. Like, the security aren't allowed to talk to you when you leave the camp and you get it all over your head.

• 8:22Speaker 02

  In my opinion, unnecessary. In my opinion, unnecessary.

• 8:25Speaker 05

  I just have full conversations with them though. I'm like, "How are you? What's the crack? What's going on?" And they'd completely ignore you and I just continued this conversation. I made up names for them. And there was one guy, there was a sound guy, and he used to come into camp in the morning before we woke up and sometimes he'd wake us up and then we'd whinge about it, but he would swap our mics. And I was like, he was real, real good at ignoring me. Like, I mean, I was like, wow.

• 8:46Speaker 04

  Completely just blanked you.

• 8:47Speaker 05

  But then I met him after and I was like, "Oh, hang on. That wasn't an act. He's actually just saying something." He was still ignoring me when I went out. And I was like, "Okay."

• 8:56Speaker 04

  So, hang on. So you could wake up at half four in the morning or half eight in the morning and you wouldn't know?

• 9:03Speaker 05

  We thought it was half five. So we thought we woke up at half five in the morning and they would start waking us up because we worked out that the show was on at seven. So you'd hear them shouting, "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here." And then you'd kind of work it out from then.

• 9:15Speaker 04

  God, it's like Hunger Games.

• 9:16Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 9:17Speaker 04

  It's like, that's torture.

• 9:18Speaker 05

  I know, but like, it was quite fun.

• 9:20Speaker 04

  It's like being in the arena at Hunger Games and working out those die by the dongs.

• 9:24Speaker 02

  I do, I do believe Ant and Dec would have something to say about that, but yeah, whatever.

• 9:27Speaker 04

  Oh, I couldn't live like that.

• 9:29Speaker 02

  Ant and Dec, you're running the Hunger Games. Shame.

• 9:32Speaker 04

  Welcome to the Hunger Games.

• 9:34Speaker 05

  It's kind of like that at points, but you don't, you don't care though. Because like, now that I've got back, I'm like, "Oh my god, there's so much stuff to do." And like, you don't fully appreciate how much time you have to just like, do normal stuff. You don't have your phone and like, it's quite nice to go and collect wood and to do all those things. Because like, it's so like, back to, I don't know, the Stone Age.

• 9:53Speaker 04

  Yeah. Did you miss the kids?

• 9:55Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 9:55Speaker 04

  That's my thing.

• 9:56Speaker 05

  I think that got me. Yeah, I think that, that leaving them, because you don't speak to anyone. So they take your phone off when you land.

• 10:02Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 10:02Speaker 05

  And then you have no phone, you can't speak to anyone. And I wish I'd brought a burner phone.

• 10:07Speaker 02

  But you had time beforehand, didn't you? So you went in later.

• 10:10Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 10:10Speaker 02

  So what happened? So when you land in Australia, they take your phone?

• 10:13Speaker 05

  Take your phone.

• 10:13Speaker 02

  So then, how long until you went in the jungle?

• 10:15Speaker 05

  So then, it was three days before I went in the jungle. And so you have a chaperone with you the whole time. My poor chaperone. I was like, "At half six in the morning, come on, we're going to the gym." She's like, "Yeah."

• 10:26Speaker 04

  Oh my god.

• 10:27Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 10:27Speaker 04

  And she's cool, she's cool. I'd be like, thankful. I'd be like, "I don't want to be here, but I'm actually quite glad that you're around this one."

• 10:32Speaker 02

  Are they going to stop you, like, just picking up a landline and...

• 10:34Speaker 05

  You can't, no, you don't ring anyone now. But you forget about your phone so quickly. And I was, I love my phones so much. And then I was like, it didn't, it didn't matter.

• 10:41Speaker 04

  Nice to have a brain.

• 10:41Speaker 05

  And then getting out, it's kind of, I was a bit scared to turn it back on. It's like, you know, when it's your birthday and people find out and they start texting you, it's like, "You're ruining my birthday." Like, now I have to run back to you.

• 10:50Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 10:51Speaker 05

  Yeah, stop texting.

• 10:53Speaker 04

  I was at a new, I was at my family's New Year's Eve party and Dance For Me Tonight was currently number one in the charts. And it had been out for a while at this point. And we were singing. My mum, my family were like, put Dance With Me Tonight on, like, it's, you know, it's a brilliant song. We played it and my mum was dancing to me and she was singing the, she wasn't even singing the right lyrics. I mean, it was way off the actual song. I'm looking around going, you having a wind up? It's been out for like five, six weeks.

• 11:25Speaker 02

  Literally everywhere. It's on everywhere.

• 11:27Speaker 04

  I mean, genuinely, at the time, I think it was at number one for like two, three weeks. It was the most played airplay record of that time. I'm like, my mum must be, I'm thinking it's my mum. Yeah, she's obsessed with me. That's my son's song. Well, no, clearly. She's going, I just wanna. She didn't even know the Dance With Me Tonight bit. She got it completely wrong.

• 11:48Speaker 02

  Fucking name of the song.

• 11:49Speaker 04

  I went through, I went through Dance With Me. I was like, mum, like, pull this face, like, do you actually even know my songs? But do you not think that keeps you grounded though? It does. Like that, I think you know people in this industry who are surrounded by yes people.

• 12:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:05Speaker 04

  Just constantly, and they don't, they're not on this planet.

• 12:08Speaker 02

  Nah.

• 12:09Speaker 04

  They're just. Well, that was one thing when I first got into it, I was like, I could see straight through people. Like, I was just like, what is this? Like, people come up to me just saying like all this.

• 12:18Speaker 02

  Bullshit.

• 12:19Speaker 04

  Waffle, like absolute waffle. I'm like, shut up mate, like this isn't, that's not real life.

• 12:24Speaker 02

  The two cheek kisses, and moi, and moi, and darling, you are this, and oh, get, crawl out of my arsehole and fuck off.

• 12:32Speaker 04

  The thing is as well, I think when I first started this, like, I was just a regular Essex boy. And when I used to go out and party and go clubbing, like, you know, chatting up girls was a hard gig. You know, like, it was like, you know, really got a graft here.

• 12:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:47Speaker 04

  And, you know, when I come off X Factor, I was just like going to these, you know, it was like a single, I was out in clubs and like these really hot, unbelievable Victoria's Secret like models would go up to you and be like, all right? And you're like, I remember once being in this bar and they both, these two women come up to me at the bar and I'm just like, all right? How are you? You having a good time? And I just looked at them, I said, look ladies, I'm really sorry, but you're barking up the wrong tree. Like, I know exactly what you're after and that is not. And my son amazed people like, what are you doing? I was like, it just wasn't. Swept up in that, didn't you? It's kind of like that faking mystery. Yeah, I was so aware of like stories being sold or, especially at the time with like the news of the world and stuff. I was just thinking like Ollie Mers, Cheeky Chappie, Single Lie, Out and About.

• 13:32Speaker 04

  I didn't want that kind of smoke, if anything. And I was very aware of like, I think being 25, I was sort of aware more so that I don't want to get myself caught up in stuff like that, but. Were you in that older category? I was, yeah. Oh my god, you were? You were in the oldies? I was in that oldies.

• 13:48Speaker 02

  So depressing, that's the oldies.

• 13:50Speaker 04

  At our age now, we're like, that ain't old. It's not all the old.

• 13:54Speaker 02

  I remember being a kid watching it and being like, oh, the Geri Hadrick, look at them.

• 13:58Speaker 04

  Here comes the over 25s, oh bless them.

• 14:01Speaker 02

  Here comes the Werther's Original Squad, look at them. I mean, they've got their own teeth.

• 14:05Speaker 04

  Oh my god, it was? I remember, because Simon Cowell was backstage behind the camera sign, you know, really wanting the over 25s. And I was in that category. And there was Dan Johnson at the time, he was sort of, I think he was around 26, 27. Jamie, Jamie Archer, he was about 30, I think. No, no. So we just wasn't in that. And I had just turned 26, so I was just in that category. Oh no, I think I'd just turned 25, sorry. So I was just in that category. Um, didn't realise why that Simon wanted me in his category. He wanted me, he wanted to take us and obviously get me to the final and hopefully win it. But, um, but yeah, like now I look back now and isn't that weird though? As you get older, you see things online and you think like,

• 14:47Speaker 04

  I would have thought I was old being in the over 25s, but now I'm 41, looking back, I'm like, god, I was so young still.

• 14:53Speaker 02

  I tell you what, mate, we, we haven't even discussed this. Yesterday, we checked in the hotel and this is the oldest I've ever felt in me life, right? There's a young lad behind the desk checking us in and he was asking, you know, are you down for business or pleasure and all that stuff? And then I go to the hotel quite a lot, so another young lad who I know came and stood next to him, they'll ask him what we're being up to. And I said, oh, we're down for two nights to do some interviews for the podcast. And it's just been, um, it's just been half term. We've just had two weeks of half term. And they both went, whoa, two weeks? They were coming at half term from the perspective of a fucking child? They both were like, oh, you get two weeks off? And I went, no, no prick, I've had me kids for two weeks, I'm fucking demented.

• 15:35Speaker 02

  But their immediate reaction, because they were clo, they are closer to my children's age than they are to my age and they work in a fucking hotel. And they were like, wow, two weeks off school dude, that's amazing. And they jumped over the counter and smacked them both. I was so angry. I went, no, but it wasn't good. And he went, oh yeah, I'm just thinking about when I was a kid. And I was like, you're fucking 12, you're about 12 years old.

• 15:53Speaker 04

  Yeah, because he was closer to being a kid than he was to being an adult.

• 15:56Speaker 02

  I was absolutely raging.

• 15:57Speaker 04

  I got on the Orlando flight back from Universal Studios.

• 16:00Speaker 02

  Because you've just been there for the radio show?

• 16:01Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, just been there. And, um, it was so amazing looking down the aisles of all the parents that lich. Did you take the kids with you? No, I couldn't, they were too young. Um, I mean, Maddie's only 18 months and obviously Albert's only like nine weeks old, so yeah, just not old enough yet. And then, but it was so funny going down the aisles and meeting, seeing all the families and parents, because we were doing it for the, for our radio station that we're on. And, uh, just seeing how all the parents were completely crumbled. They were like, they're like great half term holiday for the kids, but we're like, they're like, they're like, their chairs like, oh god, give me a break. We did Disneyland Paris in, when was it? August?

• 16:40Speaker 02

  August.

• 16:40Speaker 04

  Fuck me.

• 16:41Speaker 02

  We were flying to London once, uh, just near the Christmas time and there was two, we were right, remember, we were right at the front of the, of the plane. And there was two, uh, air stewards standing in front of us. Now, overheard, I had me AirPods in, but I didn't have anything playing. I do that quite a lot to hear people's conversations, bit of a spy.

• 16:54Speaker 04

  Oh, interesting.

• 16:55Speaker 02

  Love it, love your people's conversations.

• 16:57Speaker 04

  You pretend to have your headphones in.

• 17:00Speaker 02

  I've got them in, but they're not playing. Sometimes I'm, sometimes I'm doing that.

• 17:03Speaker 04

  Stop it, stop it.

• 17:04Speaker 02

  Something, something, dance something tonight. Something, something, tonight, dance tonight.

• 17:12Speaker 04

  That's funny.

• 17:13Speaker 02

  And they literally, yeah, and they were going, I'm told you man, I'm sure I said it on the podcast.

• 17:17Speaker 04

  That's weird, you've never told me that.

• 17:18Speaker 02

  No, what said, what was said, they literally were talking. And then one of them was like, oh, I've got the Lapland flight next week. And the other one went, oh, he went, I'd rather do the midnight flight back from Ibiza than the Lapland flight.

• 17:30Speaker 04

  Apparently the Lapland flight is just carnage with all the kids.

• 17:33Speaker 02

  It's basically 50, 50 kids to adults. And it's just like fucking crisps and sweets and screaming and just mayhem on the flight.

• 17:39Speaker 04

  What, and you would, I mean, that's an interesting question.

• 17:41Speaker 02

  He said he would rather do the, he said he would rather do the flight back from Ibiza with everyone like.

• 17:45Speaker 04

  Would you though? I wouldn't.

• 17:46Speaker 02

  That's what he said, that's what the guy said. That's what the guy said. He said, he worked on him and he said the flight back from Ibiza with the drunk people was.

• 17:52Speaker 04

  Nah mate, I'm really sorry. You've got that completely wrong. He just does like kids.

• 18:01Speaker 00

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• 18:30Speaker 00

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• 18:59Speaker 01

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• 19:09Speaker 00

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• 19:16Speaker 01

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• 19:30Speaker 04

  Babadu babadu babadu ba. I hate knowing secrets of telly.

• 19:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, kind, it didn't ruin it.

• 19:35Speaker 04

  No, it ruins everything.

• 19:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:37Speaker 04

  I can't watch a TV show now. After, when you did Heaven, that's when it all, that's when it really ruined it for me.

• 19:43Speaker 02

  Right.

• 19:43Speaker 04

  Because we went and the hu, the house, the only ever shot the front door. And then the rest of it was studios in Manchester. All of the rooms, every single room was a studio, it was not a real house. And I was like, what do you mean? What do you mean? This is, this is it? And then, and then there was.

• 20:00Speaker 02

  She took it really badly.

• 20:02Speaker 04

  And there was lights being shone through like for the sun. And I was like, this is just ruined.

• 20:06Speaker 02

  That light, that was the sun, I used to go and stand in front of that and have a cup of tea in the afternoon. It was so lovely.

• 20:10Speaker 05

  Bet.

• 20:10Speaker 03

  Oh, that's.

• 20:11Speaker 05

  Did you ever go and watch him strictly? Cause that's a long record.

• 20:14Speaker 04

  That one. Have you done strictly?

• 20:15Speaker 05

  I've not done it, but God, I've been to, I've never been to one of the records, but you, you get a pack of biscuits and a.

• 20:20Speaker 02

  What's put me off going.

• 20:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 20:22Speaker 02

  I would never stay for the second bit. Well, you did strictly.

• 20:24Speaker 03

  He did.

• 20:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, but I was on there, but I would have, but I'm saying if they went me, if they, if I had to go and if they were like, oh, go and watch, see Rosie did the series or something, they wanted us to go and watch someone. I'd say I'm watching, I'm not sitting there for the result show. That's what I'm told to do.

• 20:35Speaker 05

  It's about six hour day.

• 20:36Speaker 04

  It is long. I once, when, when we went to watch you, do you remember when I spilled a glass of wine on us?

• 20:41Speaker 05

  Yep.

• 20:41Speaker 04

  Full glass of white wine. I had to sit with a wet dress, in a stank of wine. And then Anton Dubek's wife, who's very posh.

• 20:48Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 20:48Speaker 04

  You, you get along great. She's like.

• 20:51Speaker 02

  I mean, as I think case in point, I get on with a lot of people.

• 20:54Speaker 04

  No, no, but you, you really get on with her. Like, like.

• 20:57Speaker 02

  Anton and I have the same hairdresser.

• 20:59Speaker 04

  Oh, well, there you go. But she, and she was lovely, but I could tell that she was like, you stink of wine. So I had to say like, I've spilled a full glass of wine on her. I'm dripping wet in that stinky drink, I'm sorry. Like, and I'm Chris's wife.

• 21:12Speaker 02

  The hardest bit about that is you've already stank of wine.

• 21:14Speaker 04

  I guess, what a bitch.

• 21:15Speaker 02

  And then you slop bottle wine on yourself as well, which is so bad.

• 21:18Speaker 04

  My sister's never let us forget that. She's always like.

• 21:21Speaker 02

  Is it not that, um, do you get on, would you say you get on with sort of, you know, um, scum?

• 21:29Speaker 02

  Turnpointed it, John.

• 21:30Speaker 04

  You're pointing it, John. For all the listeners.

• 21:33Speaker 05

  I thought you were gonna say salt of the earth.

• 21:36Speaker 02

  I'm sorry, I did that on purpose. Um, would you say you get on with, you know, scumbags? Better than you get on with posh people? Yeah, I can get on with anyone. I'm one of the nicest people I know, to be honest. What a lovely review of yourself. I know. If you had to like rank it, if you had to go, look, who do I get, gun to your head, who do I get on with better? Do I get on with people below my social status or do I get on with people higher than me? Oh, below. Cause then I feel superior. Yeah, like a little pet. I knew it. I knew it. Fantastic. Fantastic.

• 22:03Speaker 04

  Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba. You're going on Gladiators.

• 22:06Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 22:07Speaker 04

  You're gonna be a bloody.

• 22:08Speaker 05

  I've done it.

• 22:08Speaker 04

  Oh, you've done it?

• 22:09Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 22:09Speaker 04

  But it's on Christmas Day.

• 22:10Speaker 05

  Christmas Day at three thirty five.

• 22:12Speaker 04

  Do you know what? That's actually, that's a good time because that's a, oh, hang on. Are you posh?

• 22:19Speaker 05

  No, my husband is though.

• 22:20Speaker 04

  Okay. When do you eat your Christmas lunch?

• 22:24Speaker 05

  I think we're gonna eat it about, I eat around the kids' schedule. So like probably one or two.

• 22:28Speaker 04

  We have, we see, we have hours at like one, one o'clock.

• 22:31Speaker 05

  Well, who doesn't have the evening?

• 22:32Speaker 04

  Oh my God.

• 22:33Speaker 02

  Something of it later on.

• 22:33Speaker 04

  I grew up with a girl from school and her family used to eat so late that I'd literally, I said to me, my mom, I was like, I can't go to her house. I've got such a bad stomach. Cause they eat so late. I'd be like, my stomach would go.

• 22:42Speaker 02

  Every meal, not just Christmas.

• 22:44Speaker 05

  Oh, just all the time?

• 22:45Speaker 04

  Just all the time. But, um, yeah, so people will be finished their lunch and they'll be digesting and the telly will be on. Three thirty five is actually the perfect time.

• 22:54Speaker 02

  That's perfect snooze in front of the telly.

• 22:55Speaker 04

  It's digesting time.

• 22:56Speaker 05

  I don't want them snoozing, please.

• 22:57Speaker 02

  Oh, they'll be snoozing.

• 22:58Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 22:59Speaker 02

  It'll be snoozing because of the beautiful, warm nostalgia that's getting pumped out from Gladiators.

• 23:04Speaker 05

  Gladiators were a sick show though. I always wanted to do it like so. But do you remember watching when you were younger?

• 23:09Speaker 04

  Oh my God.

• 23:10Speaker 05

  We used to say my stepdad was like your man because he's from Scotland and he'd be like, Amber, you will go. I'm like, cause he was really strict. I would be like, ah.

• 23:18Speaker 04

  We used to, uh, we used to get all the, every Saturday night, we'd get all the cushions off in the good room, right? Cause me mom had like the, the posh room that we weren't allowed in. Mad. Uh, she would drink her coffee in there in the morning. I don't think she was very happy, but anyway. And then we'd.

• 23:33Speaker 05

  It's like a nice room though.

• 23:34Speaker 04

  It is a lovely room.

• 23:35Speaker 02

  Sandproof padding on the walls.

• 23:36Speaker 04

  We weren't allowed in. And, uh, we would go in there every Saturday night and get all the cushions off the set A and jump around the cushions. It was such a nice memory.

• 23:43Speaker 05

  Oh, I know. It's good. It's still going.

• 23:46Speaker 04

  What was it like?

• 23:47Speaker 05

  It was the first time I was like, I'm forty. Like I was in bits. I was in bits.

• 23:53Speaker 04

  Really?

• 23:53Speaker 05

  Cause you do the first day and you, you kind of practise everything. And I was like, oh well, not as good as I thought I'd be. And then, and that's when you're not against a Gladiator.

• 24:01Speaker 02

  What's the practice?

• 24:01Speaker 05

  So you do everything. So you try everything on the eliminator. And I got Joe Wicks to film me doing the eliminator and I'm running up the, what's it called? The travelator.

• 24:10Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 24:11Speaker 05

  Straight down on my face.

• 24:12Speaker 04

  Stomach.

• 24:13Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah. Not a great runner, even though I do a lot of it.

• 24:16Speaker 04

  I was gonna say, you're super fit.

• 24:17Speaker 05

  No, not really. And then the Gladiators are coming at you. So you're like, they're, you're kind of terrified of them. But I love having people like that on TV. Cause when you look at like young girls and I thought that like, I'd love my daughter to watch them and be like, look how sick they are.

• 24:29Speaker 04

  Yeah, like strong.

• 24:30Speaker 05

  Yeah, they're strong women who are absolutely bashing if you piss them off.

• 24:34Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah. The female Gladiators, I'm no joke. They're all, they're all like stacked, boys, girls, a lot of them. We did a thing for children in need with them. We had to do a dance thing with them and they were just massive.

• 24:45Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 24:45Speaker 02

  Massive.

• 24:46Speaker 05

  They put so much effort into that. And they're such like, they're, they're just great characters as well.

• 24:51Speaker 04

  Yeah. And what I said before, not one spot on them bums.

• 24:57Speaker 05

  Spot, posh. Oh my God. Why are you talking about this?

• 25:03Speaker 02

  As well, sorry, she's just said that to me. Like I said before, like it's a thing she always says. And what's, what's happening?

• 25:09Speaker 04

  I think about this all the time, right? Because.

• 25:13Speaker 05

  Girls with thong bikinis. How the fuck do they get?

• 25:16Speaker 04

  How? Because if I'm on holiday, maybe I've got a bit of a spot.

• 25:28Speaker 02

  You're both laughing so much, you're not making any sound.

• 25:30Speaker 04

  Just one, just one little spot, just a, like a rogue little spot. And I, and you did that thing with children in need with the Gladiators and all the girls had like tiny, and I was like, not one of them. That's their costume.

• 25:42Speaker 05

  They don't have any spots in their arse, you're saying, right?

• 25:45Speaker 04

  Oh God, I've cried my eyes out.

• 25:46Speaker 05

  I actually have a pair of bikini bottoms that I can't wear. Cause they gave me such a bad rash. It was so rotten. Sounded like, what's wrong with your arse?

• 26:03Speaker 05

  It is the bad thing. It was so bad.

• 26:06Speaker 02

  The baby, the baby stuff.

• 26:07Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 26:08Speaker 04

  Oh my God, yeah.

• 26:09Speaker 05

  I don't wear those bikini anymore.

• 26:10Speaker 04

  No. Do you remember when I had Robin and I got full of galit? I started going to the toilet. Full of galit.

• 26:17Speaker 02

  It looked like someone had run a cheese grater over both our arse cheeks.

• 26:20Speaker 04

  It was really bad.

• 26:21Speaker 02

  It was red.

• 26:21Speaker 05

  Oh no.

• 26:22Speaker 04

  I think people get it on their arms sometimes. After I had Robin, I got, I had to go to the toilet. That's cause I was like, what's happening to my bum?

• 26:28Speaker 02

  It's like really, really red, like exposed pores. It's, it's a, you know, sometimes people get it. You know, on the back of someone's arm, yeah, they'll get like red. It's that, I had that.

• 26:37Speaker 05

  Oh my God, I can't believe you get spot, posh. That is so.

• 26:40Speaker 04

  Not all the time. I just couldn't do a job where it was like, you had to have your arse out.

• 26:46Speaker 05

  And there's always the dream of that, like, you know, all bikinis, like you don't know, obviously, I assume you're not finding them.

• 26:51Speaker 02

  I'm learning. I am learning.

• 26:53Speaker 05

  They're all going into thongs and I'm like, please God.

• 26:56Speaker 04

  Why are they doing that? That really pisses me off.

• 26:58Speaker 05

  No, not everyone has an arse for a thong.

• 26:59Speaker 04

  I've bought some bikinis recently and, um, and they're just, like, they're just up my arse. And I'm like, what? I don't wanna wear a thong on holiday.

• 27:06Speaker 02

  I blame Love Island. They're all wearing them on Love Island. They're like, they've just been down a really fast slide.

• 27:13Speaker 04

  I, so I used to, I used to when I was younger, when I worked in Greece, me and my mate had thong bikinis.

• 27:18Speaker 02

  Honestly, never been, never been my thing, a thong. I remember we were talking, weirdly, we were talking about, before this, I was talking with the, the team about Cisco, the thong song.

• 27:26Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 27:27Speaker 02

  Cause two of the guys on the team thought I'd said, uh, that, um, that thang, the thang, thang, thang. And I was like, you know, it's called thong song. Anyway. Oh, I don't know, children, man. Um, but they've probably heard it on classics or something. Um, but a thong, even when I was young, it's never been my thing.

• 27:42Speaker 04

  No, you're not a thong guy. Oh yeah.

• 27:43Speaker 05

  Well, I do wear a lot of thongs because I don't like knicker lines. Can't spare a knicker line.

• 27:49Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 27:49Speaker 02

  I am just very aware of how dirty an arse crack can be.

• 27:53Speaker 04

  Yeah. You don't like the thought of it being up your arse.

• 27:55Speaker 05

  Yeah, women's arse cracks, um, they're not as, well, they have no hair.

• 27:59Speaker 04

  Yeah, they're a lot cleaner.

• 28:01Speaker 05

  Men have like hairy arse cracks. So like you get more arse.

• 28:04Speaker 02

  It just reminds us, you know that, you know, they, you know, when you used to go to the, the counter in the supermarket and they would cut the cheese with that bit of string?

• 28:10Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 28:10Speaker 02

  It just reminds us of that.

• 28:11Speaker 05

  Yeah, I couldn't agree more. Well, that's good for you. At least you don't have to wear a thong.

• 28:14Speaker 04

  I mean, I don't.

• 28:15Speaker 05

  You can hide your spot, posh. We ever see each other on holidays?

• 28:21Speaker 02

  Spot, posh.

• 28:22Speaker 04

  I'm good. When I say, when I say, well, I'll have me full shorts on.

• 28:26Speaker 02

  I was wearing a boy last week around the pool.

• 28:28Speaker 04

  Focus the battery in the gym. That's why I couldn't do the jungle. Spot, posh. Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba.

• 28:34Speaker 02

  So a mate of mine used to say one, uh, he used to say, you know, the Chuckle Brothers.

• 28:38Speaker 03

  I know the Chuckle Brothers, all right. I've got a story about that. Carry on.

• 28:40Speaker 02

  Well, we used to say to people, me and my mate, we used to say, uh, Jason Cook, comedian, friend of the podcast, he used to say, um, you know, one of them's actually the dad. They're not brothers. And it was just enough.

• 28:51Speaker 03

  Which one? Barry?

• 28:52Speaker 02

  Well, it was just enough of a bullshit. Like it was just enough where people would go, no, you're going, no, definitely. And they go, all right, okay. Yeah.

• 28:58Speaker 04

  One does look, the, the shorter of the two does look older than the.

• 29:01Speaker 03

  You know, one's dead, right?

• 29:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, the shorter, the, yeah, the one, the, the one who looks older is actually, is actually dead. Yeah, he's passed.

• 29:07Speaker 03

  Barry, R I P.

• 29:08Speaker 02

  R I P. Yeah.

• 29:09Speaker 04

  Um, I did, I think I did.

• 29:11Speaker 03

  I did the Chuckle Brothers. I was Henry the Eighth in the Chuckle Brothers. One of the first bits of telly I did.

• 29:14Speaker 02

  No.

• 29:15Speaker 04

  You've been in Chuckle, Chuckle, Chuckle Bees?

• 29:17Speaker 03

  I was Henry the Eighth in.

• 29:18Speaker 04

  Chuck, Chuckle Vision?

• 29:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, in Chuckle Vision.

• 29:20Speaker 04

  Wow.

• 29:21Speaker 02

  So Rosie can't say Chuckle Vision because when she was, yeah.

• 29:23Speaker 04

  When me brother was younger, he had like a speech problem and he used to sing Chickabeeson. He used to go Chicka, Chicka Beeson, Chicka Beeson, right?

• 29:30Speaker 03

  Chickabeeson?

• 29:31Speaker 04

  Chickabeeson. And me mom, well, me mom and dad.

• 29:32Speaker 03

  Oh, we said Chuckle Vision. It's not even close.

• 29:36Speaker 02

  All right, man, he was a kid.

• 29:37Speaker 03

  Doesn't even rhyme.

• 29:38Speaker 04

  He had a speech impediment. He's all right now. I mean, well, we all, we do worry about him more than the rest. But, um.

• 29:45Speaker 03

  I used to say Combinister instead of Combine Harvester, but that sounds like Combine Harvester.

• 29:49Speaker 02

  I had mates who said Pescetti. It used to really fuck me off.

• 29:52Speaker 03

  Pescetti biscuits?

• 29:53Speaker 02

  No, Pescetti, Pescetti Bolognese.

• 29:55Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 29:55Speaker 02

  It's like, what the hell's wrong with you? Yeah. I can't pick Pescetti on toast. What's wrong with you? But yeah, but he used to say Chickabeeson, didn't he?

• 30:03Speaker 03

  Anyway, that's very difficult for people who've got, um, speech impediments and I have a great deal of respect for them and ovulating women and the gay community.

• 30:12Speaker 04

  Anyway, he, he did it for months and me mom and dad were getting really upset. They were like, what, why does he keep saying, what's Chickabeeson? He wants to watch Chickabeeson. I had no idea. And I was like, it's Chuckle Vision.

• 30:22Speaker 03

  Chuckle Vision.

• 30:23Speaker 04

  Greg Davies is in it. It's Chuckle Vision.

• 30:25Speaker 02

  So you were Henry the Eighth then?

• 30:26Speaker 04

  Right, Henry the Eighth.

• 30:27Speaker 03

  I've got two things to say about it. One, um, in the audition for it, um, the director said, told me to calm it down a bit. Like I was overacting. Can you imagine?

• 30:38Speaker 02

  I said, Henry the Eighth?

• 30:39Speaker 03

  Yeah. In Chuckle Vision.

• 30:41Speaker 04

  What do you mean all this? Like what were you doing?

• 30:43Speaker 03

  He did. He said, dial, you can, you dial it down a bit.

• 30:46Speaker 02

  Wow. What were you, what could you possibly have been doing?

• 30:49Speaker 03

  I can't imagine. I, I can only imagine. I just pulled my trousers and pants down and started screaming. I can't think how you can go too big for Chuckle Vision other than expose yourself and just start howling like a wolf.

• 31:05Speaker 04

  But Andrew the Eighth's quite like, it's a big character.

• 31:08Speaker 03

  Well, exactly.

• 31:09Speaker 04

  I feel like you would have had.

• 31:10Speaker 03

  That's my point.

• 31:11Speaker 04

  I'm sorry about that.

• 31:13Speaker 03

  Well, I got the part weirdly.

• 31:14Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 31:14Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 31:15Speaker 03

  And this is the bit I remember most fondly about it is I walked onto set and I met,

• 31:21Speaker 03

  who's, who's not Barry.

• 31:23Speaker 02

  Paul.

• 31:23Speaker 04

  Paul.

• 31:24Speaker 03

  I met Paul and he was nice and very welcoming. Keeps a crash mat whenever he films anything because he's got a bad back. He likes to lie on a crash mat. Anyway, then Barry came in late. We were in a medieval banquet hall.

• 31:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:40Speaker 03

  And I was dressed as Andrew the Eighth and Barry came in, R I P. And he was in a full medieval ball gown and a conical hat. And of course they film, they used to film two whole episodes in one day. So the crew were like, let's go, let's go, let's get it done. And they, they've seen them in every outfit conceivable, but I haven't. And I just lost it in the middle of a medieval banquet hall. I lost it for 10 full minutes.

• 32:08Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 32:09Speaker 03

  Where I couldn't stop laughing and I was the only person in the room laughing. There were like cameramen leaning on the cameras like this.

• 32:16Speaker 02

  Oh, God.

• 32:18Speaker 03

  And Barry was sort of like that and I was just laughing. Like I thought I'd gone mad. I thought I'd lost my mind. Just, and really echo it, just me.

• 32:31Speaker 03

  And then everyone again going, I'm so sorry Barry. I just wasn't expecting you to be in the.

• 32:37Speaker 02

  Absolutely horrible, lads.

• 32:38Speaker 03

  Oh, it was, it was sort of horrible and wonderful. Barry was lovely as well.

• 32:44Speaker 02

  Oh, wow.

• 32:45Speaker 04

  Oh, my God.

• 32:45Speaker 02

  Oh, that's fantastic.

• 32:48Speaker 04

  Explain to Chris what a twink is.

• 32:49Speaker 02

  What's a twink? I don't understand.

• 32:50Speaker 03

  Do you know what a twink is? What do you think a twink is?

• 32:54Speaker 02

  It, it, so I watched Die Hard the other day, so I can only think of twinkies.

• 32:59Speaker 03

  I don't think there are any twinks in Die Hard. No, not, not the official version.

• 33:03Speaker 02

  A twink?

• 33:04Speaker 03

  A twink is a young, generally, or young or young looking, pretty gay male.

• 33:12Speaker 02

  Where does twink come from?

• 33:13Speaker 03

  I don't actually know.

• 33:14Speaker 04

  I think it's, it's like, it's American. Is it not from drag, like Drag Race?

• 33:18Speaker 03

  Could be, yeah.

• 33:20Speaker 04

  I think it's an American sort of like, yeah.

• 33:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:23Speaker 04

  But like Kiki, like Kiki's become a really, really popular scene and that's, that came from Drag Race. Yeah.

• 33:29Speaker 03

  And then a twunk is sort of, you probably have been a twink. You've got a bit older. You've maybe beefed up a little bit.

• 33:34Speaker 02

  Twunk.

• 33:35Speaker 04

  Twunk.

• 33:36Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 33:37Speaker 02

  This was called just come. No, no.

• 33:39Speaker 03

  No, no, twunks good. No, these are all good. No, no, no.

• 33:42Speaker 02

  You've had a glow up lad. We need, can we discuss?

• 33:45Speaker 03

  Jenny Aclair would change her review of you now.

• 33:48Speaker 02

  Like, have you moved to, you haven't moved to London, have you?

• 33:50Speaker 03

  No, no.

• 33:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, because that's usually what happens when you move to London. Right, really? Oh, thank you.

• 33:56Speaker 04

  What, what happened in real life?

• 33:58Speaker 02

  Midlife crisis.

• 34:00Speaker 04

  I just started dressing you and I made him cut his hair.

• 34:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, okay.

• 34:05Speaker 04

  And you just, you upped your skincare as well.

• 34:10Speaker 03

  Do you put spuff on your face in the morning? S P F, spuff?

• 34:15Speaker 02

  All right. No, but we don't get much sunlight in the North East.

• 34:19Speaker 03

  You've come down here now.

• 34:20Speaker 02

  Yes, no, but I do, I moisturise now.

• 34:22Speaker 04

  Did you really just call it spuff?

• 34:25Speaker 02

  Again, that was on one of our tours, he sprayed the front row in spuff.

• 34:28Speaker 03

  I spuffed all over the front row.

• 34:30Speaker 02

  The joke track themselves, Rosy.

• 34:32Speaker 04

  I just had it.

• 34:33Speaker 02

  You are definitely being served. This is brilliant.

• 34:35Speaker 04

  This is brilliant.

• 34:36Speaker 03

  Always put spuff on your face in the morning. Starts the day well.

• 34:39Speaker 04

  Yeah. I love a bit of spuff in the morning.

• 34:42Speaker 02

  Lovely skin. Beautiful skin.

• 34:44Speaker 04

  Yeah, you have. Spuff. You are meant to wear a factor 50 like every day.

• 34:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 34:48Speaker 02

  Well, if you live in fucking Jamaica, what the hell?

• 34:51Speaker 04

  No, even over here, even over here.

• 34:52Speaker 02

  What, in South Shields? You're crazy. The street lights running and dropping kids off at school every day.

• 34:57Speaker 03

  Rosie and I will have the last laugh when we're 80 and we still look 70.

• 35:03Speaker 02

  Who gives a fuck? Just to that point, come on.

• 35:06Speaker 04

  She says with.

• 35:06Speaker 02

  Here you don't look a day over 70. Hey, thanks, Maureen.

• 35:11Speaker 04

  I've got sunspots on my face of where I just, I, when I, I worked in Rhodes for two years, right? Didn't wear any spuff.

• 35:17Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 35:17Speaker 04

  Just, I would hate to have one of them lights on my face where they look at your sun damage.

• 35:22Speaker 03

  Oh, oh, you must. You must go. It's fascinating. And they tell you how polluted your face is and they go, and oh, it's amazing. Best thing I've ever done.

• 35:30Speaker 02

  Can I just say?

• 35:31Speaker 03

  I've got the skin of a 24 year old.

• 35:32Speaker 02

  He's into all that.

• 35:32Speaker 04

  I bet you have, yeah.

• 35:35Speaker 02

  Have you been for one of them full body M O Ts, the MRI and that, that you can get?

• 35:40Speaker 03

  No, not yet, no.

• 35:41Speaker 02

  Not yet. It's your fancy one. But he spends a lot, like, have you had Botox recently? He gets it a lot, which is fine. Yeah, but he's, he's, you've got the same hairdresser as Princess Margaret and Anton de Becc.

• 35:53Speaker 03

  Princess Margaret, she's been dead since 2001.

• 35:55Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 35:55Speaker 03

  Princess Anne.

• 35:56Speaker 02

  Princess Anne, Anton de Becc.

• 35:57Speaker 04

  You've got the same hairdresser.

• 35:58Speaker 02

  He gets his haircut at Harrods.

• 36:00Speaker 03

  It's Princess Anne, Anton de Becc and me. It's the same haircut. Everyone has the same haircut.

• 36:04Speaker 04

  I told you, you get home and Anton's wife. She was lovely, by the way. I just want to put that out there.

• 36:07Speaker 02

  No, he gets his haircut at Harrods. All of them are buying Harrods. It's a box of fucking shortbread. He gets his haircut. You've been to Harrods more than once.

• 36:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 36:15Speaker 02

  You go to Harrods regularly.

• 36:16Speaker 03

  I was there yesterday.

• 36:18Speaker 02

  Harrods?

• 36:18Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 36:19Speaker 02

  This is mental. He's so spenny. He's like, fair play to him. Rich, wealthy people know how to like spend money. He spends it.

• 36:27Speaker 04

  Are we allowed to ask?

• 36:28Speaker 02

  How much is a haircut? He's got real goyards. What the fuck's a goyard? I didn't know what it was.

• 36:33Speaker 03

  The bags that I've got today.

• 36:33Speaker 02

  It's a handmade bag. Everyone's got the fable. I thought a goyard was a thing on, it was like a, a, a gargoyle.

• 36:40Speaker 02

  He's very spenny. How much is a haircut from Harrods?

• 36:43Speaker 03

  Don't ask.

• 36:44Speaker 02

  Is that rude to ask?

• 36:45Speaker 03

  No, I just, it's, you know, it's decent. You can bleep this out.

• 36:49Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 36:55Speaker 03

  It has, I'll be honest, when I started going there, not long ago, well, five years ago, it was 65. That's inflation for you.

• 37:02Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 37:03Speaker 04

  I'll get my full hair dyed and cut and blow dried for that.

• 37:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:07Speaker 02

  Wow. And this is a trim?

• 37:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, and really for me, it should be half price.

• 37:15Speaker 04

  So you've, you've made friends, who else have you really, who else have you made friends with?

• 37:18Speaker 05

  I've actually already seen Tom.

• 37:20Speaker 04

  Oh, all right. Okay.

• 37:21Speaker 02

  Was on the flight home?

• 37:22Speaker 05

  No, bumped into him off the bus stop. He was getting the bus.

• 37:24Speaker 04

  He was at the bus stop? Do you get the bus?

• 37:26Speaker 05

  I get the tube and I cycle everywhere.

• 37:29Speaker 04

  Oh, nice.

• 37:29Speaker 02

  Do you wear a helmet?

• 37:30Speaker 04

  Do you wear a helmet?

• 37:30Speaker 05

  I do wear a helmet.

• 37:32Speaker 04

  Good.

• 37:34Speaker 05

  I know.

• 37:35Speaker 04

  We, we were coming here in the taxi this morning and I can't believe the amount of people with no helmets on.

• 37:42Speaker 03

  Madness.

• 37:42Speaker 04

  They're gonna come off and they're gonna be brain damaged and they need to put a helmet on, you nutters.

• 37:48Speaker 02

  Your helmet.

• 37:49Speaker 05

  Helmets are a bit rotten, but like you have to wear a helmet. I do wear a helmet.

• 37:52Speaker 04

  They're awful and your hair's gonna be shit for the rest of the day, but you are gonna save yourself from a really serious head injury.

• 37:57Speaker 02

  We collectively, us two and the taxi driver this morning collectively came up the idea of a foldable helmet.

• 38:04Speaker 05

  Like the Bronson bike.

• 38:06Speaker 02

  Google it, already exists, foldable helmet. So I was, I was, I was billionaire, then it went.

• 38:11Speaker 05

  I felt, that's a great idea. I wonder if that person made, how, how ugly are they though?

• 38:15Speaker 04

  And they're probably awful.

• 38:16Speaker 02

  So they're more of a, it's, it's basically a headband with a pop out top is the best way to describe it. It's like quite thick around this bit.

• 38:23Speaker 05

  Like those buckets, you know, the buckets, the new buckets that you get the phone. They don't, they don't work as well.

• 38:27Speaker 04

  No, you're gonna, you're still gonna have a bad head.

• 38:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, and you're gonna get, actually, to be fair, the, the legal troubles I would get into when someone died using one of my foldable helmets that I just invented. I'm actually glad, do you know what it is? I've tasted that success and I don't want it.

• 38:39Speaker 04

  You don't need it. You're busy. You don't need it.

• 38:41Speaker 02

  Just quickly, that was a rollercoaster in my mind there. That was, I was in court.

• 38:46Speaker 05

  It's kind of a good idea.

• 38:48Speaker 04

  Are you like this? Like, so you, I feel like you are probably a really good entrepreneur and like you and Spence, put Spence it together. I can imagine you're doing like lots of business ventures and stuff like that.

• 38:57Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 38:58Speaker 04

  Me and Chris come up with loads of ideas, right? All the time and we never, ever see them through, ever. I swear to God, like we're always like, oh my God, we should do this. We should do that and then the next day, never, ever. How would you do it? Like, what, what are we, we're just stupid.

• 39:12Speaker 05

  Well, I have loads of ideas that I don't bother either. I was like, I'm gonna start my own coffee brand because I love coffee so much. And then I'm like, I don't, there's loads of coffee brands, isn't there?

• 39:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, it is that in it though.

• 39:21Speaker 05

  I'll just bring a whole suitcase full of them from Australia.

• 39:24Speaker 02

  It's basically, yeah, but that's, it's basically like, right, I'm going out for a run. That's raining. Like that. It's how quickly you can just fuck your idea up.

• 39:33Speaker 04

  My most recent one was like, I would love to open a coffee shop where we live, like a really lovely coffee shop.

• 39:37Speaker 05

  Oh, I know.

• 39:38Speaker 04

  But then, yeah, but then I was like, I'm gonna have to get up really early and then I'll have to be there. I'll have to be there all day.

• 39:44Speaker 05

  Yeah, talking to people.

• 39:46Speaker 04

  And I was like, and then, yeah, then I'll have to, everyone who comes in, I'll have to speak. Oh, God. Oh, no.

• 39:51Speaker 05

  It's a nice idea for retirement more.

• 39:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:54Speaker 04

  Yeah, that would be nice, but then.

• 39:56Speaker 02

  Retirement, was it?

• 39:56Speaker 05

  Well, I don't ever want to retire, you see, because I feel like as soon as I retire, I'll die.

• 40:01Speaker 04

  Right. You're, you're a shark. You're a shark.

• 40:03Speaker 05

  What do you mean I'm a shark?

• 40:04Speaker 04

  So if you stop swimming, you'll die.

• 40:06Speaker 05

  Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Do they swim the whole time, sharks?

• 40:08Speaker 04

  I think they never, ever stop. I think that's where the sayings come from. I think, is, am I, hang on.

• 40:13Speaker 05

  I'm so glad I've learned something today.

• 40:15Speaker 04

  If they stop swimming to the day.

• 40:17Speaker 02

  What's just happened is, and this happens quite often, I will tell Rosie a fact or a phrase.

• 40:22Speaker 05

  Is that true?

• 40:23Speaker 02

  And Rosie will take the fact or the phrase, not it is, but Rosie will take it and she'll tell it to someone else with the confidence of the person who knew it in the first place. And then a beautiful moment happens where thankfully you've just said to Rosie, is that true? And Rosie's in her head, there's a fucking alarm going off. There's panic. There's fucking, there's chimps running around, there's madness in there. Run, get out, fire, like.

• 40:46Speaker 05

  Who cares if it's true or not? Just say allegedly at the end.

• 40:50Speaker 04

  Allegedly. Allegedly. I need to have more conviction in what I say. Yeah, no, if sharks stop swimming, they die.

• 40:58Speaker 05

  Well, I said, Bob Dylan was dead the other day. Do you know what I'm saying? I was like, oh, Bob Dylan was playing. I was like, no, he wasn't. I was like, no, he like, didn't just die, by the way. He's dead years. And the producer was like, he's alive. I was like, oh, really? I had him killed off. I was so convinced of it. I was like laughing at her and stuff. I was like, that's ridiculous, Joanne.

• 41:19Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 41:20Speaker 05

  He is alive.

• 41:21Speaker 04

  He's fully alive. I think, I don't know. I don't know if he's dead or alive. We do that all the time.

• 41:30Speaker 00

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• 41:58Speaker 00

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• 42:05Speaker 04

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• 42:28Speaker 01

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• 42:37Speaker 00

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• 42:45Speaker 01

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• 43:00Speaker 00

  Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous.

• 43:02Speaker 04

  Yeah, we don't know what this is, by the way.

• 43:04Speaker 02

  We've got no idea what this is on.

• 43:05Speaker 00

  Okay, quite earlier on in my relationship, I was invited to a big family meal to celebrate my boyfriend's grandparents' wedding anniversary.

• 43:13Speaker 04

  Oh, nice. Does it say how long or not? No?

• 43:16Speaker 00

  Doesn't say how long. As a newbie to the family, I was seated at the bottom of a long table with a very elderly lady to my left, a super gentle aunt opposite and my father-in-law Steve in the corner. It was a very pleasant meal and Steve ate heartily throughout, so enthusiastically accepting further helpings of everything. When the dessert menu came round and everyone discussed what they're going to have, Steve leant back in his chair, patted his full belly and said very loudly he couldn't possibly have any more dessert because he had shot his load.

• 43:53Speaker 00

  It's fair to say her surrounding more innocent diners and Steve himself had no idea what he'd actually said and I had to spend the remainder of the meal styling out my tears of laughter.

• 44:05Speaker 02

  I love that. I love that. So now and then we get one.

• 44:09Speaker 00

  Oh, that is nice.

• 44:10Speaker 02

  I'm sorry, guys, I've shot my load. I can't possibly eat anymore.

• 44:14Speaker 04

  Oh, that is nice.

• 44:15Speaker 00

  Come on, he knew what he was saying.

• 44:17Speaker 04

  Do you think?

• 44:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:19Speaker 02

  Now and then we get one that's not filth, it's not disgusting, it's not that. That is just, that's just funny and cute. I like that.

• 44:25Speaker 00

  Do we think that's a genuine, he said it not knowing what he said? Or he knew what he was saying?

• 44:30Speaker 02

  I live with someone who says the wrong thing in every situation and never remembers any kind of phrase for anything, so I guarantee that was accidental, but I would have died if I was at a table. But then again, I wouldn't have kept it quiet. I'd be like, "Oh, you shot your load? What are you meaning, eh? Change your pants, you dirty fucker."

• 44:46Speaker 04

  You have a problem with correcting people, though. By the way, we need to talk about the taxi here.

• 44:50Speaker 02

  Taxi here?

• 44:51Speaker 04

  Yeah. Why? When the taxi driver, I was telling you about Charles Dickens, used to go walking at night around where we are because he was an insomniac, but the taxi driver called it.

• 45:04Speaker 02

  Hypochondriac.

• 45:05Speaker 04

  Hypochondriac, right? And I knew he meant insomniac, so I was just going, "Oh, right, yeah, so yeah."

• 45:10Speaker 02

  He was like, "He was hypochondriac, so he didn't sleep, so he used to walk around the streets at night." I'm sitting in the back going, "That's wrong."

• 45:18Speaker 04

  But why couldn't you just let him?

• 45:20Speaker 02

  I'm not letting him have it. Taxi drivers throw their opinions at me all day, every day. I'm not letting, you're not having hypochondria. I'm not, you're not having it.

• 45:27Speaker 04

  So Chris probably only went, "You mean insomniac?"

• 45:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:30Speaker 04

  I was like, "Chris, shut up."

• 45:31Speaker 02

  No. I'm saving him for the next time. He probably says that every day. He's not, I'm not letting him say that to someone else.

• 45:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, you're using, I do that all the time. I sometimes use words in the wrong context. And my team always says to me, "Why did you say that on the radio?" I'm like, "Oh, I just get it wrong."

• 45:45Speaker 04

  But if you're not corrected, you never know.

• 45:47Speaker 00

  Me and Riley do it a lot. I don't know how we've got a radio show together. We get so many things wrong, but it's funny, it's funny.

• 45:53Speaker 04

  It's fun, that's why you're likeable, don't worry about it.

• 45:57Speaker 05

  Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. I would have gone, "Miley." Because I don't want to get reported to anyone. Brilliant.

• 46:07Speaker 04

  Oh, my gosh.

• 46:08Speaker 05

  We have a family Christmas tradition of going to panto on Christmas Eve. At Christmas Eve?

• 46:15Speaker 04

  Panto's a big way where we live. A lot of people call Christmas Eve, it gets sold out really quickly.

• 46:18Speaker 05

  Oh, I'm good, panto, just not Christmas Eve.

• 46:20Speaker 04

  Yeah, like a tradition, yeah.

• 46:23Speaker 05

  This includes me, my two sisters, our partners and kids. So in total, six adults, seven kids. Mayhem and I'm not sure we'll do it again. Last year, it was Cinderella and in the middle of the second half, my eight-year-old, Elsie, not her real name, who was a few seats down the row from me, decided she wanted to go to the toilet. I managed to squeeze past people in the row and get her to the loo on time. All fine, no drama and we rushed back to our seats for the last 15 minutes. The panto ended, we all got up to give a standing ovation, I looked down the row to my right and couldn't see Elsie.

• 46:56Speaker 04

  Where's Elsie?

• 46:57Speaker 05

  Where is Elsie? I mouthed to my husband, "Where's Elsie?" He, of course, responded that he thought she was with me and had clearly lost track of our movements since the toilet break. As you can imagine, I was completely panic-stricken. We were all freaking out, all of us went into action, looking under seats and shouting for Elsie. We rushed to the lobby to speak to the staff and there was Elsie, sat on a stool, eating an ice cream and having the time of her life.

• 47:22Speaker 04

  What, there played Elsie? How old is Elsie? What's going on?

• 47:26Speaker 05

  Was she sad?

• 47:27Speaker 04

  Why am I amazed she's 82? Oh, she's eight.

• 47:30Speaker 05

  Clever eight-year-old. It turned out that after our toilet break, rather than following me back to our seats, Elsie had wandered off to the foyer and befriended the theatre staff.

• 47:42Speaker 05

  Got free ice cream.

• 47:43Speaker 04

  Stringer, stranger.

• 47:46Speaker 05

  I would have gotten in the white van. I would have.

• 47:49Speaker 04

  I know, when I was younger.

• 47:51Speaker 05

  Sweets in here, okay.

• 47:54Speaker 02

  Sweets and puppies in the same place? Are the puppies not eating the sweets? I'll have to check this out for myself. Is there not puppy hair on the sweets? Let me, let me investigate.

• 48:07Speaker 05

  When they asked where her parents were, she had apparently said, "Well, my mum took me to the toilet and then just left me. I was so scared of the dark, I thought it was safer to come out here." This was, of course, not true. What I assumed happened was that she knew she would get some free sweets and ice cream if she played the abandoned child card at Christmas. Fair play to her.

• 48:28Speaker 04

  Oh, my God, Elsie.

• 48:30Speaker 05

  Very clever girl. My God, I never thought about doing something like that when I was younger.

• 48:35Speaker 04

  No, me neither. I don't think it was clever enough. I did once, my brother went missing in B&Q, right?

• 48:41Speaker 05

  I love B&Q.

• 48:42Speaker 04

  It's a great shop. It's a great shop. And my mum and dad were looking for him, my sister, and I ended up, and I don't know how, to this day, have I told you this? I think I have. I ended up in the postman pat ride and I don't know to this day, right? I don't know if it was broke or somebody kept putting money in for us because it just kept going and going and going and going.

• 49:01Speaker 05

  It just stayed on.

• 49:02Speaker 04

  It just stayed on. And I'm like, was it broke or did someone put money in? Did some weirdo put money in this thing and I'm just on the oar.

• 49:12Speaker 02

  Can you imagine though?

• 49:13Speaker 04

  I'm sure I've told you.

• 49:14Speaker 02

  Kevin is, we were B&Q, right? So, you know, there's a big load of stuff.

• 49:18Speaker 04

  That'd do the full town and everything. He was totally missing.

• 49:20Speaker 02

  Imagine they're going out at the bottom, there's, you know, he's in the lumber section, a big railway sleeper has fallen and crushed him. Your mum's crying, your dad's crying, Kate's crying, it's just, "Where's, where's Rosie?" Postman pat.

• 49:30Speaker 04

  It was.

• 49:31Speaker 05

  Oh, no, that's all we're gonna head hold out.

• 49:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, every time you hear it, your mum freaks out.

• 49:36Speaker 04

  It's so true. And now, all I can think is, I think there was some pervert there just putting pounds in.

• 49:43Speaker 02

  Right, great. Wow, all I can think is, if that was your sister, Kate, who you claim isn't your favourite, you'd have been in the fucking search party as well, not up on a postman pat ride on your own, having the time of your life. How dare you say you don't have a favourite? How dare you?

• 49:56Speaker 04

  We're missing all the time.

• 50:00Speaker 03

  Oh, shit. Do you want me to read this out?

• 50:02Speaker 04

  Yeah, well, we don't know what this is, but Jesus.

• 50:04Speaker 03

  Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. Is that what the section's called?

• 50:08Speaker 02

  I took the whole podcast.

• 50:09Speaker 04

  Well, in the show.

• 50:10Speaker 03

  Oh, is it?

• 50:11Speaker 02

  Thank you for reading the emails.

• 50:13Speaker 03

  This isn't Shag Marison, is it?

• 50:14Speaker 02

  Honestly, it is. Shag Marison, please keep me anonymous.

• 50:17Speaker 04

  Are you taking the piss?

• 50:18Speaker 03

  Whole separate thing?

• 50:19Speaker 02

  No, no, it's the same thing.

• 50:20Speaker 04

  No, it's.

• 50:21Speaker 02

  Under the same umbrella, same thing. Bake off extra slice?

• 50:24Speaker 03

  Oh, that sort of thing. But hosted by you.

• 50:29Speaker 03

  With those shows normally, you get other people in.

• 50:35Speaker 04

  We're too greedy.

• 50:36Speaker 03

  I'm sure you can do your own.

• 50:38Speaker 02

  Absolutely can.

• 50:39Speaker 03

  You can do your own adjacent podcast.

• 50:40Speaker 02

  Can and have.

• 50:44Speaker 03

  Well, hopefully, Chris and Rosie will invite me on the main one sometime.

• 50:48Speaker 00

  This is the main one for guests.

• 50:51Speaker 03

  Okay, it works here. Megamaniacs, these people.

• 50:55Speaker 02

  He was on the rain before this.

• 50:56Speaker 03

  Geordie Megamaniac, are you Geordie?

• 50:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, I suppose.

• 51:00Speaker 04

  Sand dancers.

• 51:01Speaker 03

  Sand dancers.

• 51:02Speaker 04

  Well, South Shields, so we're not Newcastle, not Sunderland, South Shields.

• 51:05Speaker 03

  Is that posh, posh Newcastle?

• 51:06Speaker 02

  No.

• 51:07Speaker 04

  No.

• 51:08Speaker 02

  No, no, no.

• 51:09Speaker 04

  No, sadly not. We live in a nice street.

• 51:14Speaker 02

  Rosie, Rosie. Do you know sometimes you forget that this is like work and you're just like, Greg, we live in a nice street like you.

• 51:20Speaker 04

  No, we do. It's not a part. We love where we live. We live in our hometown, but we have upgraded from where we grew up to the nicer part.

• 51:27Speaker 02

  The nice bit of the hometown.

• 51:28Speaker 04

  So when I went to school, I went to school with people who live where we live now. And I thought, nice. When I got invited.

• 51:34Speaker 03

  And people are looking at you going.

• 51:36Speaker 02

  Maybe, you never know.

• 51:38Speaker 03

  Here we go then. Rosie recently talked on the podcast about crawling out of class and not getting caught.

• 51:44Speaker 04

  Oh yeah, I did that at college.

• 51:45Speaker 02

  Oh. Now, you were a teacher, Greg.

• 51:48Speaker 03

  Well, for many lonely, sad years.

• 51:50Speaker 02

  Did you have anything like this? Did kids try and leave the class, hide, crawl across the floor?

• 51:55Speaker 03

  Oh my god, yes.

• 51:56Speaker 02

  Yeah?

• 51:56Speaker 04

  What did you teach again?

• 51:58Speaker 03

  I mean loosely, drama and English.

• 52:00Speaker 04

  Right, okay. Nice.

• 52:02Speaker 03

  Can I tell you something from when I was at school?

• 52:03Speaker 02

  Please.

• 52:05Speaker 03

  We had a geography teacher called Batty Price, and I'm sure she's no longer with us. I don't know why she was called Batty.

• 52:15Speaker 02

  Batty.

• 52:16Speaker 04

  First name Batty? Or Mrs. Batty?

• 52:18Speaker 03

  First name Batty, second name Price. I think Batty was a nickname.

• 52:21Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 52:22Speaker 03

  I don't think her name was Batty, but everyone called her Batty. I don't know why.

• 52:26Speaker 04

  Right.

• 52:26Speaker 03

  And looking back, I mean, I guess she can't have been 90 years of age, but to me at the time, she seemed 90 years of age. And she used to wear, I guess she had arthritis. She, she used to wear arthritic, arthritic sort of armbands so that her hands were always like this.

• 52:44Speaker 02

  No.

• 52:45Speaker 03

  I swear to God. This, so she would hold chalk and be able to write, but most of the time she was like this.

• 52:51Speaker 02

  No.

• 52:52Speaker 03

  And, and I remember her, her facial expression was always squinting like this. And she seemed 90. Anyway, there was a trend in Batty's lessons and it happened, I cannot tell you this, most lessons, someone would put their hand up and she would go, yes. And whoever it was would go, do you mind if I go to the toilet, Mrs. Price? And she would go, okay, be quick. And then that person would stand up and then we would all leave.

• 53:21Speaker 02

  No way.

• 53:22Speaker 03

  The whole class. And I swear to God, she'd never noticed. I swear to God. We'd come back and she would be saying, and periglaciation is.

• 53:33Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 53:34Speaker 03

  We'd all just go and stand out there for about five minutes and then come back in.

• 53:37Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 53:37Speaker 03

  Even like the square kids was, well, I was one of them. Even the frightened kids like me, we will go, well, I guess we're all going out.

• 53:46Speaker 04

  I love shit like that. I love stuff like that.

• 53:48Speaker 02

  Oh, bless her.

• 53:49Speaker 03

  Oh, this is the anonymous letter.

• 53:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:51Speaker 03

  Well, I had a girl in my year who used to crush pencil lead down to a powder and then snort it up her nose. It would give her nosebleeds, which meant she could get out of lessons. The girl in question would always ask the teacher if she could bring a friend to help with the nosebleed. It was a bit of an inner circle and you'd only be able to get out of lessons if you were mates with her. I was only invited once to be her nosebleed companion.

• 54:18Speaker 03

  I mean, this is insane. That's fucking horrible.

• 54:20Speaker 04

  She'll be in a true crime documentary.

• 54:22Speaker 03

  She'll be dead.

• 54:24Speaker 02

  She's gonna be dead.

• 54:25Speaker 03

  Lead poisoning. She's snorting lead to make her nose bleed. She'll be dead. This is about a dead woman. Is that the tone you want on this podcast?

• 54:37Speaker 04

  But even, yeah.

• 54:39Speaker 03

  I tell you what, Rosie and Chris from Shaq married annoyed are not gonna like this.

• 54:45Speaker 03

  They're not gonna like this tone, reasoning about someone who's essentially topped themselves with a pencil.

• 54:52Speaker 04

  I think she made it to the end of the school year.

• 54:55Speaker 03

  It's like a town that her face will have fallen off.

• 54:59Speaker 02

  That's so bad. How much do you hate school that you're snort? I mean, come on. Come on.

• 55:04Speaker 04

  I think it's genius.

• 55:06Speaker 02

  It's insanity.

• 55:07Speaker 04

  Oh, God.

• 55:09Speaker 03

  I was in a, I was in a class with a lad once. I won't, I won't name him when I was at school.

• 55:14Speaker 02

  But.

• 55:14Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 55:15Speaker 03

  And he was eccentric and a mate of mine, really very much living life according to his rules. And I was trying to do some work and he went, oi. And I went, hey mate, leave it out. I was really trying to concentrate. I was shit at, it was a science lesson.

• 55:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 55:31Speaker 03

  I was shitting it. And he goes, give me a number between one and 50. I went, fuck off.

• 55:37Speaker 03

  And I go, he goes, just give me a number. He goes, what's it to you? Give me a number between one and 50. I went, 26. He went, all right, thank you. 10 minutes later, an ambulance was called because he had 26 yeast tablets.

• 55:53Speaker 03

  They were fucking big as well, like a horse pill. He found a big jar in the science lab that just had yeast tablets on it. Yeah.

• 56:07Speaker 02

  Why was it?

• 56:08Speaker 03

  He was bored, I guess. He was bored.

• 56:10Speaker 04

  God. Oh my God. Did you, did he survive?

• 56:15Speaker 03

  Oh, he lived, yeah.

• 56:15Speaker 04

  Oh, okay.

• 56:16Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 56:17Speaker 04

  Have you ever seen, this is it. Do you ever see the naughty kid?

• 56:20Speaker 03

  This person did.

• 56:22Speaker 04

  I hope you have. I went to like a random awards ceremony a few years ago in South Shields and the naughty kid from school was there, but grown. And he was, he wasn't, he actually, I'll give him his due, he was not a bully. He was just naughty. And it was so funny because he got, he got, he ended up getting expelled in year 10. But he came up to us and his daughter was getting an award and he's like, remember me?

• 56:49Speaker 03

  Still talk like that?

• 56:52Speaker 04

  And I was like, oh my gosh. He went, and he said his name. And I was like, fucking hell, like you were a twat at school. But he's lovely now. He's doing really well for himself. Yeah, thank you.

• 57:01Speaker 02

  His daughter's winning, his daughter's winning awards.

• 57:02Speaker 04

  Daughter won the pride of the South Tyneside Award. Lovely guy. But he was, the last time I saw him as a child, he was sniffing gas that he put on his tie from the bun, like the bun set in there. Just boffin gas all afternoon.

• 57:18Speaker 02

  Sorry. So he's spraying the gas onto the tie then?

• 57:21Speaker 04

  He just, he just sniffed it all day.

• 57:22Speaker 02

  Like a rag with chloroform.

• 57:23Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 57:24Speaker 03

  I met a lad when I was, I was home at my mum's really recently and I met a lad who I was at, at school. Well, I see him. He's lived in my hometown since we were at school. And he's a mate, you know? And we were just, I, I'd been to the supermarket and we were just sitting outside the supermarket chatting about school days. And it's so funny how it starts to come back and how you've normalized things that happened.

• 57:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 57:47Speaker 03

  And I remembered that I watched him chase our drama teacher across the drama studio with, you know, those big cans of hairspray? Well, you don't know, you're an old adult. But in the eighties, the girls all seemed to have a bag with a can of hairspray like this in it.

• 58:02Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 58:02Speaker 03

  And I know he, I won't, I shouldn't name their names, shall I? He, he got one of those giant cans of hairspray off a girl and he got a lighter and he lit it like a, like a flamethrower. And he, he was chasing our drama teacher. Round the studio. And I remember him going, oh, stop that. Stop that. Don't be so silly. And it's literally a four foot flame going.

• 58:28Speaker 04

  Oh, God.

• 58:29Speaker 03

  And a flamethrower. Same kid, same drama teacher. The drama teacher came in because the head, our head thought drama was pathetic, non, not a proper subject. It was the first time drama had ever been done the year I did drama there. And because the head thought it was just ponce nonsense. So they, they get no budget. And the drama teacher kept begging him for money. And in the end, he, he gave him money for one set of playbooks. And he came in all proud going, the head has finally given us some money and I've got these lovely, beautiful playbooks. And we'll, we'll be going through these during the term. I remember how excited he was. And later that lesson, the same boy, flamethrower boy, went,

• 59:13Speaker 03

  hey, hey, he called me into, he called me into the store cupboard.

• 59:19Speaker 03

  He cut them all in half with a big pair of scissors. He destroyed them all. Every single one.

• 59:29Speaker 02

  Fucking psychopath.

• 59:32Speaker 03

  But he's, he's done well for himself, yeah. He has, yeah. He's totally normal.

• 59:37Speaker 04

  Oh, no. Oh, God. Oh, why do I feel so like?

• 59:39Speaker 03

  I have to say, it was one of the most awful and one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life. I was absolutely down the line of, this is appalling. And this is a work of comedy genius.

• 59:48Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's brilliant. Yeah.

• 59:49Speaker 02

  In half, up the spine or?

• 59:51Speaker 03

  No, no, across the middle.

• 59:56Speaker 02

  He couldn't even bother me.

• 59:58Speaker 03

  It took him ages. It was 35 foot.

• 1:00:00Speaker 04

  Oh my God.

• 1:00:02Speaker 03

  And they were thick. He would have had to have really like.

• 1:00:06Speaker 02

  That's absolutely fucking psychotic. That's, that's the harshest thing I've ever.

• 1:00:11Speaker 03

  And the drama teacher, when he found them, just started crying. Started weeping.

• 1:00:16Speaker 04

  That's so sad.

• 1:00:17Speaker 03

  But yeah, everyone's fine.

• 1:00:18Speaker 04

  That is so, still alive.

• 1:00:22Speaker 02

  Oh God, that's one of the funniest things.

• 1:00:25Speaker 03

  Just a gentle weep as well. Not, not a sob. Just like.

• 1:00:29Speaker 04

  Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba. Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. Now, usually William reads the letters because I'm.

• 1:00:36Speaker 02

  And you'll see why in a minute.

• 1:00:37Speaker 04

  Very dyslexic. See, I can't read. This story from, this story from many years ago involves an ick that doesn't show me in a great light. And I'm also hoping for some advice. You've come to the right place. I'd been seeing Tom, not his real name, for around six months. He was gorgeous, funny, charming, and not afraid to show his vulnerable side. My overbearing family were big fans of Tom. One weekend, I went back to my parents and Tom came along. It was great and ended. With a big Sunday roast. Nice. Around the table were mum, dad, two brothers and my younger sister. We were enjoying a delicious roast lamb when Tom suddenly started banging his head on the table and his face was getting redder and redder. It became clear that Tom had a piece of something, turned out to be a gristly piece of meat,

• 1:01:21Speaker 04

  stuck in his throat and was, yes, choking. Oh, he's choking. Oh, my gosh. Okay. Yeah. Right. That was really good. Well done, Jordan. That was lovely. You didn't make one mistake.

• 1:01:30Speaker 02

  I don't want to be too patronising, but.

• 1:01:32Speaker 04

  Listen. Thank you. Because usually if I read something, it's got to be in Comic Sans.

• 1:01:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, good reading.

• 1:01:36Speaker 04

  And highlighted.

• 1:01:37Speaker 02

  What a fucking diva. Comic Sans or I'm not even looking at it. There was a point where he tried to get our producers to print everything off on yellow paper.

• 1:01:45Speaker 04

  Yeah, that lasted a week, didn't it?

• 1:01:47Speaker 02

  Anyway, the dilemma continues. I completely froze. My younger siblings jumped into action and started the Heimlich manoeuvre. The piece of meat became dislodged and flew across the room. Everyone was relieved and gathered around Tom, who, after seeing his life flash before his eyes, burst into tears. Well, I'm not sure if it was the tears, the red face or the bulging eyes, but I had very quickly gone off Tom.

• 1:02:13Speaker 04

  Well, I'm glad you're.

• 1:02:16Speaker 04

  Oh, this is fantastic. You absolute dick.

• 1:02:19Speaker 02

  Yes, okay, good. I'm glad you're saying, okay. Predictably.

• 1:02:22Speaker 04

  No, I get it. I get it.

• 1:02:23Speaker 02

  We broke up shortly after the choking incident. I'm sure if he had been the man for me, I would have seen past this, but I still shudder when I think about it. So the advice I'm after is what should you do when you get that really piece of chewy meat during a meal in a restaurant or at someone else's house? Should you just swallow it down or discreetly spit it out and leave it on the side of the plate? Help appreciated.

• 1:02:44Speaker 04

  Oh, this is a good one for you.

• 1:02:45Speaker 02

  But first of all, as far as icks go, we've had some great icks then. And one of my favourites is someone dropping a receipt and trying to pick it up, but it keeps blowing away from them. My favourite ick, like someone saw a fella do that and she was like, a vagina just dried up.

• 1:02:58Speaker 04

  No, what about the little man who ran for the bus with a backpack on?

• 1:03:04Speaker 02

  Man who ran for a bus with a backpack on, yeah, yeah, bounced him down, he's gone, but. Yeah. The fact that the ick is, he nearly died by choking and was upset about it is the ick. Some people are fucking impossible to please.

• 1:03:15Speaker 04

  That's brilliant.

• 1:03:16Speaker 02

  Impossible to please.

• 1:03:17Speaker 04

  Someone choking on that.

• 1:03:18Speaker 02

  Oh, he nearly died. How unsexy. Yeah. That's horrible.

• 1:03:22Speaker 04

  Guys, I'm sorry, I get it.

• 1:03:23Speaker 02

  What would you have preferred? Yeah, if he just died like a fucking man. Yeah. If he died like a man. She said, she said in your bit that you read, oh, he showed his vulnerable side. He wasn't afraid to show his vulnerable side. Oh, but nearly dying was too far.

• 1:03:35Speaker 04

  Did I ever tell this? My mum choked on a piece of meat. She was having a meal on her own, nowhere in her house. Don't. That's one of my worst fears in the world. She had to ring and go round to next door. Next door called the ambulance, right? This is so bad. She was in hospital. None of us knew. My brother come home. Half a tea were left on the side. My brother ate it and finished the tea with a bits of choking bit. And my mum had come back, she went, traumatized, brother, like, where have you been? No one even noticed. And he finished the tea. It were left on the side. He went, oh, I thought you left it out for me.

• 1:04:05Speaker 02

  And I told you this story actually recently when we went for lunch. Um, not, well, about seven years ago, I was sitting somewhere in Chelsea and Patricia Routledge, Hyacinth Bouquet, was Oh. On a table, a few tables away, on her own, having lunch. And she started choking on a crisp. Generally, because there were sandwiches and crisps. And I thought, oh, my God, this is my moment. I am going to have to do the Heimlich on Hyacinth Bouquet. I'm going to sort of have some sort of gay honour because I've saved her. And then she just, she recovered. So I didn't actually even get up. She even helped.

• 1:04:36Speaker 04

  What's your advice for that third thing? Sorry, I'm being a presenter now.

• 1:04:40Speaker 02

  No, no, no. Rosie tells me I should be a vegetarian because I'm so squeamish with meat. If I get. Yes. Any bit of gristle or something, meal ruined. When you're chopping chicken, if you do chop your chicken, do you have to, I cut off the tendon and any of the sort of bloody bits. There is almost fuck all left.

• 1:04:54Speaker 04

  I like that one, don't they?

• 1:04:56Speaker 02

  There's almost nothing left. I'm serious. I can strip a whole chicken down to nothing. I'm terribly wasteful with it. That's why Rosie's a, but it's so annoying, isn't it? Because.

• 1:05:04Speaker 04

  There's no chicken left.

• 1:05:05Speaker 02

  Any bit of gristle, you guarantee it'll end up on my, on my plate and it'll be the first bite and I'm done. And put you up. Yeah, yeah, I'm with you. So what do I do to not look like a pig? More vegetarian. No, but what do I do? No, what they've said there, what do I do if I get, if I get gristle mouth and I've got it and chewing it? If you should spit or swallow? Yeah.

• 1:05:22Speaker 02

  Yes. Um, generally, if you, things like gristle, fish bones, bones, meat bones, you can't swallow them. So you are going to have to remove it from your mouth. So I would spit it into your dominant hand, use your non-dominant hand to shield and then place it on the side of the plate.

• 1:05:36Speaker 04

  Fantastic. Not a tissue?

• 1:05:38Speaker 02

  No.

• 1:05:38Speaker 04

  Not a napkin?

• 1:05:39Speaker 02

  Definitely not a linen napkin, no.

• 1:05:41Speaker 04

  Oh, God. So just into your hand?

• 1:05:43Speaker 02

  Just into your hand and onto the plate.

• 1:05:45Speaker 04

  What about, because I used to be a pot wash?

• 1:05:47Speaker 02

  Or you can put it onto your fork, depending what it is. It can be spat onto your fork, but then we still see it come out. So I would use your hands to shield it.

• 1:05:54Speaker 04

  I used to be a pot wash and eat all leftovers, you know, that come back in. Did you? Yeah, I do that all the time. So if someone spat something back out.

• 1:06:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, but what would you, what would you prefer to do? Swallow it and choke?

• 1:06:04Speaker 04

  Because you have to do that.

• 1:06:05Speaker 02

  I don't spit that out. The pot wash goes, mind sweeps everyone's plate. You might get a cold.

• 1:06:09Speaker 04

  You used to do it when you worked in the stadium.

• 1:06:11Speaker 02

  When I worked in the stadium, I used to do it. I used to silver serve people at Christmas time. I used to silver serve people. Oh, and silver, look how excited William was.

• 1:06:18Speaker 04

  Yeah, can he? Does it, does it sometimes?

• 1:06:20Speaker 02

  Tongue action. Crum down, crum down and silver serve a lot. I've got a semi.

• 1:06:32Speaker 04

  What's going to you?

• 1:06:36Speaker 04

  Right. Okay, glow up and you can silver serve. Literally, we're gonna. You give William Hunter a semi, wow. This is it. We have, we've got to go.

• 1:06:46Speaker 02

  Sadly, we've got to go. I'm so sorry. This has been amazing. I can't stand up. So can we not stretch this out for a bit longer? What is the etiquette for hiding a semi in public?

• 1:07:10Speaker 01

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