Return of the Plonkcast, feat. London Zoo, Legoland and the Goonies

This week's Shagged Married Annoyed is a Plonkcast special! Chris and Rosie are freshly back from a trip to London with the kids, and have plenty of holiday beefs (one particularly revolving around fish goujons). There are voice notes, icks and Rosie remembers the Goonies very differently... If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch! 📧: [email protected] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Coming up on this week's episode of Shag Marionoid, it's a Plonkcast. If you don't know what that means, it means we've been drinking heavily throughout the show and we're recording this at the end. So this is going to be tedious for everyone to listen to. You're going to listen to this bit and then the bit where we'll start is going to be very different because it's semi-sober. Yeah, but there it is.

• 0:16Speaker 01

  I've said semi, like I'm American. It's disgusting.

• 0:18Speaker 00

  Oh my god.

• 0:19Speaker 01

  Oh my god. We talk about our London trip.

• 0:21Speaker 00

  We talk about gladiators.

• 0:23Speaker 01

  Goonies.

• 0:24Speaker 00

  Goonies gets a very big mention. There's beefs. Rosie's got two this week.

• 0:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's been a hard week. And there's voice notes and questions from you lovely lot. Thank you so much.

• 0:32Speaker 00

  Enjoy.

• 0:35Speaker 02

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• 1:05Speaker 01

  Hello, you are listening and possibly watching Shag Marionoid with me, Rosie Ramsey and my husband, Christopher Ramsey.

• 1:12Speaker 00

  Hello.

• 1:12Speaker 01

  Hi, hi everyone. Hope you're all well. Personally feeling very overwhelmed by the summer holidays, but that's fine.

• 1:20Speaker 00

  We've literally, as we record this, we've literally just got back from a trip to London with the boys.

• 1:27Speaker 01

  The big smoke.

• 1:28Speaker 00

  The big smoke. If you think London's stressful travelling around it when there's the two of you, I had two kids in, wo ho.

• 1:35Speaker 01

  I know, and the heat. Guys.

• 1:36Speaker 00

  God, it was hot. My god, it was hot.

• 1:38Speaker 01

  Honestly, like, part of us doesn't want to mourn because I think it's great and I'm kind of enjoying and embracing the summer. Chris is on the beer, by the way.

• 1:46Speaker 00

  I'm on the beer. I was 40 the other day. I'm having a hawkes and we'll talk about that later.

• 1:50Speaker 01

  We went to London Zoo, which is such a good place to go. Like, the kids loved it. It's fantastic. But Jesus Christ, it was so hot.

• 1:57Speaker 00

  Really hot. Mad hot.

• 1:58Speaker 01

  It was so hot. We watched Shades, you guys, for the full day.

• 2:01Speaker 00

  I felt like a vampire. I just walked from bit of shade to bit of shade. And when we got to a bit, it was like, oh, the kids are getting a drink. And there wasn't any shade. I was like, I was like dreading it.

• 2:11Speaker 01

  And also, there was no animals because of the...

• 2:14Speaker 00

  All the animals, yeah, all the animals were like, fuck this.

• 2:16Speaker 01

  The animals were like, it's midday, you stupid fuck ass. Why are you here? Why are you here? And I was like, why are we here? Why are we here at midday?

• 2:24Speaker 00

  It was nuts.

• 2:25Speaker 01

  It's 30 degrees.

• 2:26Speaker 00

  It was, it was nuts. I mean.

• 2:27Speaker 01

  What's wrong with us?

• 2:27Speaker 00

  Can you remember at one point, you got a can of still water and you said, do you want any? Poured down your back. And I took my cap off and I put my cap out. And you knew exactly what I wanted. And you just poured a load of water in my cap and I just put my cap back on. Fuck, that was the best moment of my day.

• 2:41Speaker 01

  I know. I poured it down Rafe's back. It's just, it's just, we don't do stuff like that up here. You would never pour water on you in the north.

• 2:48Speaker 00

  Everyone in London and in the south who's been dealing with this heat for the whole, for months now, can we get my little?

• 2:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, well done. You've been coping really well.

• 2:56Speaker 00

  We feel your pain. We've come back up here. It was 23 degrees up here and that's just enough for me. Fuck that.

• 3:03Speaker 01

  Just nice.

• 3:04Speaker 00

  Speaking of coming back, what was really funny, and I haven't had a chance to talk to you about it because obviously we've came straight into the podcast. And I'm glad in a way. We were, we drove past our house and then we had to go to the garage to pick up a parcel for you. And Sandra.

• 3:19Speaker 01

  Big, big love, in post. Love in post. It's been there for two days.

• 3:22Speaker 00

  Oh, I still go, when you send me a little QR code and I've got to go and I've just got to scan it and the door opens, it's like living in the future.

• 3:29Speaker 01

  It's nice, isn't it?

• 3:30Speaker 00

  It's incredible.

• 3:30Speaker 01

  It's one part of technology that I'm really embracing.

• 3:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:33Speaker 01

  Just because it's just a nightmare. Like, when you're out, certain deliveries coming and stuff like that. It is a pain in the arse.

• 3:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:42Speaker 01

  But I'm not slagging off. Our delivery people are amazing. Big love. But also.

• 3:47Speaker 00

  They get a lot of shit when they don't deliver them as well. That's why they're always like trying to like, you know, leave it with a, leave it with a blooming, you know, a neighbour or whatever. They get a load of, fuck, they've got real like deadlines.

• 3:57Speaker 01

  I don't mind taking parcels for neighbours. I think it's fine.

• 3:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:59Speaker 01

  Doing your bit, isn't it?

• 4:00Speaker 00

  Oh, 100%. But community spirit, that's all that's left.

• 4:03Speaker 01

  Need a village.

• 4:04Speaker 00

  So we drove past our house. Now Sandra, the legend, was coming to look after our children so we can come across and do this now. And we drove up the street, right? And she was.

• 4:13Speaker 01

  I know what you're gonna say.

• 4:14Speaker 00

  I went, oh, look, kids, there's mama. And they went, oh, yeah. And me and you just looked at her and glared at her because it was sunny. She had her sunglasses on. She was walking along with a little backpack on, her headphones in. She's obviously walked from her house, just walking along.

• 4:27Speaker 01

  I know.

• 4:27Speaker 00

  Just having a walk. And you looked at her and you went, oh, must be nice. Rosie, I wanted to mount the curb. I was so jealous. I can't say I'd run over.

• 4:40Speaker 00

  I was like, fucking look at her. We've been in London for three days. So these couple of tossers. Can I have this? Can I have that? Can I sit down? Stop down? Don't touch that. Don't lick that handrail. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. She's just fucking, like, oh,

• 4:53Speaker 01

  I know, but what you've got to remember is, my mum was me now. And that's, I find it so upsetting because my, all I remember from me mum growing up was she was just sad all the time. She was just really fucking angry. Unless she was pissed, unless me mum was pissed, right? Then she was in a happy mood. Most of the time. And I, I love her so much and she knows I love her. And I am, I'm joking, but also, I get it.

• 5:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:16Speaker 01

  I get it. And we were hard work. Our kids are hard work. Like, kids are hard work, especially because we're good parents. We want, like, we want the best for them.

• 5:26Speaker 00

  You're not just, you're not just parenting in the moment, you're parenting for the future as well. So when you're telling them, you know, when you're saying your manners and you do this and don't do that, it's not just momentary fixes. It's long-term sort of foundations that you're putting. But yes, that's why, that's why it's so exhausting.

• 5:43Speaker 01

  I know, because sometimes, sometimes I want to be really neglectful. I do. I want to just neglect the fuck out of them. And then they'll stop wanting stuff because we are so accessible to our children.

• 5:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:54Speaker 01

  From the minute they open their eyes, they're just not scared.

• 6:00Speaker 00

  It's like, I think we've got to the crux of it. They're not scared of us.

• 6:03Speaker 01

  They're not scared of us. They're not scared of us. They're not scared of our reaction. They know that we'll always love them. They know that they'll always have a conversation and a cuddle after. They're not scared. They need to be scared. We need to make them more scared. As in like, oh, don't, mum's in a bad, don't, don't ask her, she's in a bad mood. Oh, don't bother dad. Don't bother him. Rafe, we shouldn't bother them. But no, they know. Well, what time are we going here? Well, when can I, when are you gonna go? Have you know, do you know now iPads and it's called stuff?

• 6:31Speaker 00

  Stuff. When can I go on my stuff?

• 6:32Speaker 01

  When can I go on my stuff?

• 6:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:33Speaker 01

  Well, you've just opened your eyes. So how about you just have like an hour or two to just be while I'm sitting on my phone?

• 6:43Speaker 01

  Do as I say, not as I do, motherfucker.

• 6:47Speaker 00

  So exhausting. But the other day when we were talking in your mum, we were talking about, we're not having another one. We're talking about if we accidentally have another one.

• 6:54Speaker 01

  Oh god, I was drunk the other night. Me and me mum, you weren't actually here. We fully planned another baby, me and me mum. We were like, yeah, I was like, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it before you get the snip. Honestly, I don't, no, I'm not. I'm not. I can't do it again. I can't do it again.

• 7:08Speaker 00

  When we were on holiday, your mum was like, oh, yeah, I just, I just loved it. I loved being around. And you turned and you went, what? You were fucking miserable all the time. She went, well, I love it as grandparents because I just, I can give them back.

• 7:18Speaker 01

  She was miserable. She shouted at us constantly. She was sad. She was irritated. She was irritable. She was going through the change, which is coming up for me. So it's just stupid. I just think, yeah.

• 7:28Speaker 00

  Counting the days.

• 7:29Speaker 01

  Seeing that the day, she looked so happy. And I'm, I'm really happy for her. And it's nice that she's happy, but it's because she hasn't got, because she hasn't got little kids.

• 7:37Speaker 00

  Honestly, I wanted to get really close. I wanted to beat my horn. I wanted to beat my horn as loud as I possibly could. And went, oh, slag, spat at her and kept driving.

• 7:46Speaker 01

  It's so funny because I saw another woman who looked a similar age to me mum. Did you see her walking at the village when we were coming through to come home?

• 7:54Speaker 00

  I don't look at any women when I'm driving. None.

• 7:57Speaker 01

  She was definitely in her 60s, so.

• 7:59Speaker 00

  What, you've been here just?

• 8:00Speaker 01

  She was a very attractive woman. But she, I've got that vibe off her as well. I was already annoyed.

• 8:05Speaker 00

  You're annoyed at her?

• 8:05Speaker 01

  I was already annoyed because I'd seen her and I thought, oh, right, aye, nice. Yeah, nice. Having a little walk, are you? Having probably nowhere to be, have you not? Yeah. Not, got nothing to get back. You've got no, don't feel guilty, do you not? Now you're just, just cracking on. Wait, oh, probably, do you know what she's probably out for a walk for? Because she's bored. She's probably bored.

• 8:24Speaker 00

  Imagine getting the chance to be bored. I think that's it as a parent. You don't get the chance to be bored. You don't get the chance to be bored.

• 8:29Speaker 01

  I've been bored for fucking years.

• 8:30Speaker 00

  I did gladiators, I did, which I'll talk about again soon, later on. But there was, there was 25 year olds with us and they were talking about stuff to do. And I was like, fucking, fucking hell, you've got so much time on your hands. I want to cry. I want to fucking cry.

• 8:45Speaker 01

  In their defence, you don't know.

• 8:47Speaker 00

  You don't know until it goes, your time goes and then that's that.

• 8:50Speaker 01

  People who had kids, before I had kids, and they used to whinge and I'd be like, oh, fuck, I know. Shut up. Oh, is it hard? Is it? Oh, it's on. Yeah, no, it is. It's horrible. It sucks. It sucks the life out of you. We are sucked. We're depleted.

• 9:05Speaker 00

  Completely depleted. I remember when Jason Cook, Jason Cook had a daughter when I first met him, when I was just young, open coming on the comedy scene. I used to ask him to do stuff and he's like, I've got the beer, I've got the beer. I was like, what the fuck's his fucking problem?

• 9:14Speaker 01

  Do you ever leave that kid?

• 9:15Speaker 00

  She fucking stick the telly on and leave her in the house and go. Now, his, his daughter's a teenager and he's like, he's forgot. And he's like, you're coming for a pint? And I'm like, he's like, I'm at the pub around here. You also come for a pint? I'm like, I can't, I've got the kids. And I can tell he's like, pathetic. And I'm like, this isn't you. This is fucking you.

• 9:33Speaker 01

  I don't think I'll ever forget.

• 9:35Speaker 00

  No, I think we will.

• 9:36Speaker 01

  No, I won't. I won't. It's so.

• 9:38Speaker 00

  We'll see. I guarantee, everyone here, everyone listening, everyone listening, make a note that one day, in some kind of, in some kind of form of media, whether you're in an interview or you're doing a, you know, owl, owl wife interview for the Guardian or something, and you'll say, I remember we went to London with our children and it was the most magical three days. And so I want someone who listens to this to go, oi, Rosie, no.

• 10:04Speaker 01

  I mean, I've already got, I've come through the door, me mum came to look, look, look after the kids while we do this. She was like, how was it? I was like, it was great.

• 10:13Speaker 00

  Fucking shit from start to finish.

• 10:15Speaker 01

  No, it wasn't. It was really nice part. We went to Legoland. I'd never been to Legoland. Genuinely, well, I just thought it was big bits of Lego. I just thought, what is this day gonna be? I thought it was gonna be crap. It was mint. It was like a full.

• 10:28Speaker 00

  It's incredible.

• 10:29Speaker 01

  Full theme park.

• 10:30Speaker 00

  Massive, huge.

• 10:31Speaker 01

  We ordered a taxi to go back.

• 10:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:34Speaker 01

  And we had to like change the time because I was like, well, yeah, too long. I didn't think there was that much to do.

• 10:39Speaker 00

  Had to push the car back.

• 10:39Speaker 01

  Oh, it was mint. I really thoroughly enjoyed that.

• 10:42Speaker 00

  But before I further ado, it's time for this week's lucrative sponsor. First of all, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for listening. Thank you for watching. If you're watching, please subscribe on YouTube and all your little podcast shops. We really do appreciate it. It really does help. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm rushing it, but I'm hoping it doesn't sound as insincere as I feel like it sounds in my head.

• 10:56Speaker 01

  I need to let people know something.

• 10:58Speaker 00

  What is it?

• 10:58Speaker 01

  I'm only not drinking. I'm not pregnant. I'm only not drinking because I've had a bottle of wine in the hotel bed every night and I'm a bit overwhelmed. Shall I get a glass of wine?

• 11:07Speaker 00

  Is there wine downstairs? Get a glass of wine on the, on the, on the Babaroo Babs. Right. Yeah, definitely. Very quick sponsor.

• 11:12Speaker 01

  Well, you just do it. I'm gonna go.

• 11:14Speaker 00

  You're gonna go, right, so I'll just stay here. You have to have a, you're kidding us. It's time for this week. You said wine?

• 11:21Speaker 00

  Shazell. It is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is families who go to theme parks and days out with those massive fucking trolleys that they drag around everywhere with all their shit in.

• 11:32Speaker 01

  I think they're really good.

• 11:33Speaker 00

  I hate you. If you've got one of them, I fucking hate you. Why? Why have you got, everyone put a backpack on and stop fucking clogging up the walkways and aisles. Well, no one's impressed, apart from Rosie. I hate you.

• 11:46Speaker 01

  Bit int- I thought it was, they were a bit intrusive.

• 11:48Speaker 00

  Oh, they've got all kinds in the back of the man. And there was only one, one, it's not with the mom. The mom's fucking dragging it. The kids are running off and the dad's fucking, what, what's going on? Why have you got a trailer? Why have you got a trailer with all your stuff in?

• 12:01Speaker 01

  I think in the, in the autumnal sort of months or winter and spring, good idea because you need coats, jackets, all that kind of stuff.

• 12:09Speaker 00

  The fill were raining shit.

• 12:11Speaker 01

  Oh, I don't know. Yeah, you didn't really need them, did you?

• 12:13Speaker 00

  It's unbelievable. I don't know what's going on. I've got, my bag got searched on the way in and there's someone behind us with a fucking trailer. What, what's going on?

• 12:19Speaker 01

  But they might have like six kids. Oh, God.

• 12:21Speaker 00

  Greedy, sick, pathetic.

• 12:23Speaker 01

  I'm gonna get a glass of wine.

• 12:24Speaker 00

  Yay. She's gone. She's walking off. She's gone. She's left. She's leaving the room. Oh, bye. I'm not, I'm having a BM, eh? Oh, this is what it would be like if I had my own podcast and it was just me. So what have I been up? Oh God, I don't know how Carl Utsen does this. It's horrible. Here's the, here's the jingle.

• 12:52Speaker 01

  Hello and welcome back to Plonkcast.

• 12:55Speaker 00

  Plonkcast.

• 12:56Speaker 01

  Shag, mad annoyed. Cheers.

• 12:58Speaker 00

  To new listeners and new viewers, it's been years since we've done a Plonkcast. We used to, mainly in the lockdown, let's be honest.

• 13:05Speaker 01

  It was, it was in the lockdown when we couldn't get any childcare.

• 13:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:08Speaker 01

  So I had to wait until Robin went to bed.

• 13:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:10Speaker 01

  And do them intoxicated just to get through the misery.

• 13:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:14Speaker 01

  Of lockdown.

• 13:15Speaker 00

  So it's been a while for this. So cheers.

• 13:17Speaker 01

  Cheers. Didn't think I was gonna drink because we've drank every night. I've just, last night, mate, I love having wine in bed, you know, and I think it's a slippery slope, but.

• 13:27Speaker 00

  See, you've always, you're, you like.

• 13:28Speaker 01

  I don't have to do anything in bed.

• 13:30Speaker 00

  I don't like consuming stuff in bed.

• 13:31Speaker 01

  Oh, I'm sorry. Why?

• 13:32Speaker 00

  Having to have my morning coffee in bed upsets us. I don't know. I don't like, I like to be up and sitting up. It's weird, isn't it? I know, I know, but I like to be.

• 13:38Speaker 01

  That's more, that's, you're weirder for that, I think. Oh, maybe that might be.

• 13:42Speaker 00

  I think I'm in the minority here, but breakfast in bed, I don't want, that's not how I want to start my day. Oh, by all means, make me breakfast. I'll come down and have it, but I want to sit at a table and have it. I'm not sitting in bed and having it. It just upsets us. It's been, it's lovely to do a Plonkcast. I'm already slightly je suis, belge, your aunt. And I've only had three quarters of a pint. But can you envisage any other job where mommy and daddy have been away with the kids for three days, so we're gonna go straight to work, but by the way, we're gonna get pissed at work because it's been that tough? Imagine we, imagine we were tube drivers.

• 14:14Speaker 01

  I love it. It hasn't been tough. We need to, that's ridiculous.

• 14:17Speaker 00

  It hasn't been tough. It's just, it's a lot. It's a lot. And it's a big city and it's very hot and the kids on the whole were fantastic. And I had my 40th birthday in London and thank you for the, you got us a lovely cards. You got us, it was, it was magical and I loved it. And we all lay in bed last night in the hotel room and we all watched the Goonies, which was fucking amazing.

• 14:35Speaker 01

  It's because you just expect, so we've got like, I love them so much and it's one more than the other. And I don't want to slag them off too much, but we've got a very intense child, okay? And the other one is not as intense.

• 14:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:47Speaker 01

  And if I had two of just the non-intense one, we probably wouldn't.

• 14:51Speaker 00

  They're always, Rosie, even if you've got two, anyone can attest to this, even if you've got two non-intense ones, they'll still wind each other up.

• 14:56Speaker 01

  I know. And then the thing is, you get back to your hotel room and you're absolutely shattered and you think, do you know what? Everyone, let's, it's like on a girl's holiday, everyone would get their books out and go, we're all a bit tired. Should we just read for a bit?

• 15:07Speaker 00

  No, so.

• 15:08Speaker 01

  But that's what, and you.

• 15:10Speaker 00

  So what our children did.

• 15:11Speaker 01

  You have that in your mind though. You have that in your mind and then it doesn't happen.

• 15:14Speaker 00

  What our children did in London, which I did, I clocked it on the second day. What they did was, they got extremely lethargic and knackered while we were out and about, making, being out and about tough. And then when they got back to their hotel room, they got an injection of energy like nothing I've ever seen in my life, even though I took them fucking swimming at the hotel as well. First night, they wrecked that room like the fucking Rolling Stones. I've never seen anything like it. They fucking trashed an entire hotel room. No long lasting damage and stuff. They didn't break any, just, they didn't break any glasses or tellys or anything, but.

• 15:44Speaker 01

  They made a mess.

• 15:45Speaker 00

  It was unbelievable. Unbelievable.

• 15:47Speaker 01

  But I just let them because I was like, I just want to sit down for five minutes. I can't be bothered.

• 15:51Speaker 00

  Yeah. When we're London Zoo and you went over and got the kids, I think you got them a hot dog or whatever it was. And I went and stood in the shade, just next to the meerkats, if anyone knows the zoo, just to chill.

• 16:01Speaker 01

  Well, Rafe was gonna eat his, eat his hot dog next to the lion bit. And I was like, mate, let's not.

• 16:06Speaker 00

  You're asking for, yeah.

• 16:07Speaker 01

  We'd watched Jurassic World the night before.

• 16:11Speaker 01

  Oh mate, I nearly didn't go. I nearly didn't, I nearly didn't.

• 16:15Speaker 00

  Halfway through watching Jurassic World in the hotel room, I was like, fuck, we're at the zoo tomorrow.

• 16:19Speaker 01

  Oh, and do you know what happened last time? That, I was in London, I was working and me and mom went to the zoo with Robin. Rafe wasn't born. Do you know what happened the day after? I told you, the day after they went to the zoo, the fucking gorilla got out.

• 16:33Speaker 00

  The gorilla got out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 16:35Speaker 01

  The gorilla got out. The day, it was all over the news. The day after they'd been, the gorilla got out. And actually, I'm sure I said, I'm never going back there. And then we watched Jurassic World and the next day, well, they're not, I was shitting my pants all day.

• 16:47Speaker 00

  Hot dog at the lion enclosure.

• 16:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, please, let's come away. So, but I had plans in place and everything. I had a dream that the, the animals got out, the lions got out and we all ended up in a toilet cubicle. And for some reason, why is this always, I had another kid. So this was my dream. We were all in a toilet cubicle, me, you, Robin and Rafe and some random kid.

• 17:07Speaker 00

  Random kid, great.

• 17:08Speaker 01

  And what happened was, a psychiatrist would have a field day with this. I don't know what it means.

• 17:12Speaker 00

  I've got a plan already, but.

• 17:13Speaker 01

  Okay. I had another kid, another little kid that I had to look after and put my hand over their mouth and be like, shut up. But then Rafe was like, ma'am, ma'am, not me. Cause he gets really jealous. And I was like, there's a lion on this. Can we all not? So, yeah.

• 17:29Speaker 00

  Okay. Um, here's my plan.

• 17:30Speaker 01

  All right.

• 17:31Speaker 00

  We're in there, me, you, Rafe, random kid, right? Dortmund, random kid, out you go.

• 17:36Speaker 01

  No, you wouldn't. Actually, you probably.

• 17:38Speaker 00

  Don't know that kid. Get out. Not my, not my problem. No, I wouldn't. It was 36 degrees or whatever it was, walking around the zoo. Me, you and them three in a toilet cubicle. Honestly, I'd, I'd leave. I'd get, I'd get more by the line.

• 17:52Speaker 01

  That would be your time, wouldn't it?

• 17:53Speaker 00

  Oh, go, this is it. This is my time to shine.

• 17:55Speaker 01

  Well, that's fine.

• 17:56Speaker 00

  I'd go out and get, and get killed.

• 17:57Speaker 01

  While you were getting it live, I would run away with them kids and would start a new family in the country. It would start a new life.

• 18:03Speaker 00

  There it is. Listen, let me tell you about this kid, right? So I went over and.

• 18:06Speaker 01

  But the kid would never love us fully because he'd probably be like, I'm like, you know.

• 18:11Speaker 00

  Where did the kid come from?

• 18:12Speaker 01

  Don't know. Why was there another kid there?

• 18:15Speaker 00

  It's weird, isn't it?

• 18:15Speaker 01

  What the fuck? What does that even mean?

• 18:18Speaker 00

  I don't know. Again, just a random shout out. If anyone who hasn't seen The Sopranos or anyone who has seen The Sopranos, The Sopranos does the best dream sequence of, they nailed what it's like. You're watching The Sopranos when he's having a nightmare. It's, it's exactly how a nightmare works. I don't know how they did it. It's incredible. Listen, anyway, I'm standing next to the meerkats, right? I've got the, I've got the, the, the bags and stuff and.

• 18:31Speaker 01

  Oh, we bought, sorry.

• 18:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, I was, I was sorry. I didn't know if we're gonna, right? So, yeah. This is one of them moments.

• 18:37Speaker 01

  Cause I'd seen them at Legoland the day before and I thought they're mint.

• 18:39Speaker 00

  We were gonna omit this bit of information, but we did. We got one of the rental buggies because Rafe was being such a pain in the ass. I had them on my shoulders the whole day at Legoland. I thought, I'm not doing that again. So I'm standing with this buggy over in the corner.

• 18:49Speaker 01

  But he used it so much to the point where I was like, Rafe, your legs still work. It's only for when you're absolutely just, he just loses everything to the point where we were at like the enclosure. He's like, mama, can wheel is this way? I was like, get out.

• 19:10Speaker 01

  The enclosure. He's like, mama, can wheel is this way? I was like, get out.

• 19:24Speaker 01

  Wheel is right. I was like.

• 19:27Speaker 00

  You know what it was like? You know what it was like? You know the final series of Game of Thrones where Hordor's dragging Bran on the fucking door?

• 19:38Speaker 01

  It was absolutely ridiculous.

• 19:40Speaker 00

  He's like, they go, ah, I wanna say, fucking had to wheel him on the way. He goes, oh, here's a lizard. Can you see the lizard? I'll go to the next.

• 19:48Speaker 01

  I was like, you're just a bit tired, you lazy little.

• 19:53Speaker 00

  It was fucking hilarious.

• 19:55Speaker 01

  And did you realise I brought, I'm so me mom to the point where they were like, they just wanted stuff all the time. And I was like, well, Rafe's already had £25 for that thing. So I like added that on the Rafe.

• 20:10Speaker 00

  She kept bringing up.

• 20:11Speaker 01

  Rafe's money that he has spent.

• 20:13Speaker 00

  She kept bringing up how much the deposit was for the prom.

• 20:16Speaker 01

  I was like, you've spent.

• 20:23Speaker 01

  Well, did you see his face drop? He was like, oh, I can't get, I can't get anything from the gift shop because I've had this.

• 20:31Speaker 00

  Because I've had a fucking pram.

• 20:32Speaker 01

  Sat down on my arse all day.

• 20:33Speaker 00

  Plus my, my hourly rate for pushing it around as well. Hold on, hold on.

• 20:37Speaker 01

  Oh, then he didn't want you to push him. I mean, which I loved.

• 20:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, but anyway, it's not, not even worth this anymore, right? But basically just how much like you, you see your kids being dicks and then you see how much other kids are dicks and you feel better about it. But you feel better about it, it was fair. So I stood over next to me a cat. I've got the little thing, you're over with our kids. And a woman was standing with her kid and the kid was on a, he was on a scooter. And she went, come on, let's go and see the meerkats. And he went, it doesn't, doesn't help that I've got a northern chip on my shoulder. And he had that annoying accent that went, when I like, it's because it's not where I'm from. So it cuts through as even more, as I imagine when a southerner hears our Geordie kids kicking off, they hate that as well. Like, ma'am, no. They probably think, oh God.

• 21:19Speaker 00

  But I'm sitting there, he went, I don't, this kid, she went, she went, we're going to the, we're going to see the meerkats. And he went, I don't want to, mommy. And she went, ugh. And she'd just give it that, like, fuck you and walk to the meerkats. And I was like, you fucking legend. Well done, love. And he stood like in the middle of the thing on his scooter and he looked around and he realised he was getting nothing from her.

• 21:38Speaker 00

  He scooted after her towards the meerkats and went, I don't want to, mommy. Back at, and by the time he was standing at her, fucking at the meerkats with her, shouting at her that he didn't want to see the meerkats. And I wanted to turn around and go, you're fucking here now, you little tosser. But obviously I didn't.

• 21:56Speaker 01

  You're at the meerkats, you prick.

• 21:57Speaker 00

  Oh, I was so irate. But I thought, you know what? They're all, he's just winding her up as much as they're winding us up. Everyone's in the same boat. It was far too fucking hot.

• 22:05Speaker 01

  Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba.

• 22:08Speaker 03

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• 22:38Speaker 01

  Babadu, babadu, babadu, ba. Really let myself down with the ice creams.

• 22:42Speaker 00

  What do you mean? Oh, this is tragic.

• 22:43Speaker 01

  God, that was not, I must have had some sort of personality.

• 22:46Speaker 00

  I've never seen anything like that.

• 22:47Speaker 01

  Disorder.

• 22:49Speaker 00

  Go on, tell everyone what you did.

• 22:49Speaker 01

  So it's thirty odd degrees and the day before at Legoland, we'd got these calibos, didn't we? And for five minutes, we're all were really cool. And to the point where everything, Robin and Rafe were like, ma'am, that was such a good idea. And I was like, sometimes just need a nice lolly.

• 23:04Speaker 00

  I went to bed and I dreamt about an orange caliper. It was sensational.

• 23:07Speaker 01

  Unbelievable. So cold, right? I even turned around to check if it was like, because that freezer that he had it in, I wanted to see, it was just plugged in, it would plug an extension lead. But you know, when you're like, how is it so cold anyway?

• 23:18Speaker 00

  Do you think it was a portal to the North Pole? Because I thought it was a portal to the North Pole.

• 23:21Speaker 01

  Just so good. Um, so when we're at the zoo, I was like, guys, let's go get an ice lolly. I said ice lolly, but they both chose ice creams.

• 23:30Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 23:31Speaker 01

  And they didn't look properly. They were just, I don't.

• 23:34Speaker 00

  When I, when I saw Rafe sit down in his little rental pram with a full cornetto, I thought something's gone wrong here. Like, bro's got, bro's got an original cornetto here. Not even a strawberry one. There's hell on you.

• 23:44Speaker 01

  Robin got a white Magnum.

• 23:46Speaker 00

  Awful.

• 23:46Speaker 01

  He didn't look, they didn't look properly.

• 23:48Speaker 00

  It's like having a slice of fucking birthday cake in the heat.

• 23:51Speaker 01

  Own fault because I should have, what I normally would have done was have you looked at everything? Do you know they've got this? Like, like you've got to spoon feed them, right? Do you know what I mean? Because they're not, they can't make their own decisions.

• 24:02Speaker 00

  Ironically, you can't do with an ice lolly, but yeah, carry on.

• 24:04Speaker 01

  Anyway, me and you got like a calippo, but it wasn't a, it was a fruit shoot one or whatever. Robinsons.

• 24:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:09Speaker 01

  Big up Robinsons. Love you. Um, they both then decided that they didn't want their ice creams. And no, on a normal day, I'd have said, well, tough.

• 24:19Speaker 00

  I mean, I did. Robin said, I don't want this anymore. Dad, can I swap with you? And I went, absolutely not.

• 24:24Speaker 01

  You didn't swap, but I swapped, I swapped with Robin and I was so upset because I was like, I do not want this.

• 24:29Speaker 00

  You don't even like white chocolate and you were eating a white chocolate.

• 24:31Speaker 01

  I was just, ice cream in the really, in the big, in the heat is not actually nice.

• 24:36Speaker 00

  So there's a cer, for me, there's a certain level of heat that ice cream is okay to, and it's only about 26 degrees.

• 24:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, it wasn't, I was gutted, I was gutted. Anyway. So I was like, right. But then Rafe was devastated that he, and he wanted, the, they didn't realise that they had, that they had ice lollies.

• 24:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:54Speaker 01

  So I, do you know what it is? I literally was like, pick me battles. Of course it's 580 extra. But I was like, you know what? I can afford 580, as much as it pains us. Any of that, you know me though, any other time I'd have battled then, I'd have been like, well, you've picked it. So I don't give a shit.

• 25:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:10Speaker 01

  But it was too hot. And I just went, right, what do you want?

• 25:13Speaker 00

  And they've just got two more new ones.

• 25:15Speaker 01

  And but in their defence, they both were like, thanks, ma'am. Thank you so much. And I was like, you're so stupid.

• 25:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:21Speaker 01

  He's a both so stupid. You couldn't even look at the fucking board properly. But anyway, whatever. So it was sorted and sometimes money just fixes stuff.

• 25:29Speaker 00

  We're back now and it's okay. Cheers.

• 25:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know.

• 25:31Speaker 00

  Yeah. 580 to not be demented for the day. It's absolutely fine. So I have got a little update for you.

• 25:37Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 25:37Speaker 00

  That you're not going to like at all.

• 25:39Speaker 01

  Do I not know this?

• 25:40Speaker 00

  No, you don't like, you don't know this. And I, I, I wrote this down. I forgot it happened at the time when I was on Gladiators. No, no, it's fine. I just, I thought, I thought, I forgot it happened at the time when I was on Gladiators. And then I told me mate the other day, when me and my mate took the kids to the, to the soft play on the, the day after Gladiators. And I was like, oh my God, I have to tell Rosie this. She's going to be devastated. First of all, Gladiators was really good fun. Thank you to everyone who was in the arena. It's going to be on TV, I think in the Christmas period. I can't say anything about what happened, but there's a bit of drama, I'll be honest with you. A bit of drama with me.

• 26:08Speaker 01

  Oh yeah. Okay. Sorry.

• 26:10Speaker 00

  I had a bit of narrative. I had a journey.

• 26:11Speaker 01

  You had a journey.

• 26:12Speaker 00

  Had a Strictly style journey.

• 26:13Speaker 01

  It's lovely. And very funny. We didn't go by the way, and very funny that everyone kept asking where I was.

• 26:18Speaker 00

  So, right. You work in telly. We both work in telly. So everyone, obviously all of the floor staff, all of the people that produce us, they all know you. They've all worked with you. They're all fond of you. Right?

• 26:29Speaker 01

  Lovely.

• 26:30Speaker 00

  The amount of like, they would go, see even like Stu, Stu Holden who does the warm up, he does warm up for Strictly. He did our warm up for our TV show. And he's like, where's Rosie and the kids? And I went, they're, they're not here. And he go, oh, this is exactly what I said. He went, oh, never. Why? I went, why? I went, the first day you did this warm up, you did our show on the night and you said it was the longest day of your fucking life. I went, they were never going to sit there for eight hours in a studio. And he went, oh yeah, fair enough. Every single, that was the reaction with everyone. I went, she works in telly. She's not going to sit in an arena for eight hours with our two kids.

• 27:03Speaker 01

  These J, I don't know how people do it.

• 27:04Speaker 00

  And they go, oh yeah, fair enough. But anyway, me mate, Neil Granger, who played Jervis in Heaven.

• 27:09Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 27:10Speaker 00

  With his, his family and his, and his kids' friends' family, they made banners. It was amazing, right?

• 27:15Speaker 01

  Did they enjoy it?

• 27:15Speaker 00

  They loved it.

• 27:16Speaker 01

  But how long was the day? Was it like nine hours?

• 27:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm talking like 11 in the morning, not 11 in the morning till nine at night. It's a 10 hour day. It's crazy. Anyway, thank you to everyone. It was magical. There's, there's this thing, right? It happened when I was on Strictly and it happened for that one day of, of Gladiators. Meeting fans is always amazing. Meeting anyone who likes what I do, anyone, if it's podcast, if it's stand up or whatever, it's never not humbling and it's always phenomenal. But sometimes adults, not all adults, but sometimes they don't want to, they don't want to get ahead of themselves. They don't want to give it too much. They'll be like, I'm a fan of you. You know, I like what you do. They'll say things now and then they'll say things like, you were quite good tonight. And, you know, oh, me, me wife thinks you're funny. And there's little, not everyone, but there's little, you know, people try and be a bit too cool for school.

• 28:02Speaker 00

  When you are doing a thing that kids are impressed by, it's unfiltered, fucking top level buzzing the whole way. And it's, it's happened when I did Strictly and Gladiators, you're literally walking off the thing and they've got the foam fingers and they're like, Chris. And I'm like, oh yeah. They're like, yeah. Like, it's so,

• 28:20Speaker 01

  That's cool.

• 28:21Speaker 00

  It's almost magic. Like as a father, it's such a nice thing. Anyway, um, so we're sitting there ready to go in, right? And they, they, they goes, oh, Brad and Barnes, what the Walsh, the Walshers who hosted.

• 28:34Speaker 01

  Oh, of course.

• 28:35Speaker 00

  They're going to come and see you beforehand. And they came to see where, and I said to everyone else, I said, look, all of me and.

• 28:41Speaker 01

  His name Barnes?

• 28:42Speaker 00

  Bonnie.

• 28:43Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 28:44Speaker 00

  Barnes, when he was, when he was close personal friend, you call him Barnes.

• 28:47Speaker 01

  Barnes.

• 28:48Speaker 00

  We're sitting there, right? So there's me, AJ, George and Sarah Pascoe were all sitting there waiting to go. And I said, look, I said, who's done the chase? And I think Sarah had done it. I don't know if AJ had or not. I said, when you do the chase, Bradley comes in beforehand and he gives you a pep talk. And he weirdly like shits you up about a quiz. I was like, he shits you up about a quiz. I was like, he comes in, he's like, listen, these guys, these guys, they're the top fucking quizers in the world, right? And they're not going to take it fucking easy. They're going to take you down. They're going to take you down to Chinatown. And you're like, not going to, you're like, put the shits up. I was like, what the fuck's he going to say about the Gladiators? I was like, what's he going to say? This is good. This is going to be a million times worse because these people are physically imposing and it's quite physical and scary what we're doing.

• 29:28Speaker 01

  And did he?

• 29:29Speaker 00

  You're not going, you're not going to believe what he did. They came in and he didn't say much and they were all talking. He was just chatting. He was like making notes and we're talking about what we're going to say beforehand. And then someone said, it was either Barney or one of the producers went, oh, you know, it's the celebrity version, you know, so the Gladiators, they'll tone it down a bit. They'll be a bit gentler with you. And he said my catchphrase.

• 29:50Speaker 01

  What did he say?

• 29:50Speaker 00

  He went, will they fall?

• 29:54Speaker 01

  Did he actually?

• 29:54Speaker 00

  And he fucking died. And he fucking died.

• 29:58Speaker 01

  How does he know about that?

• 30:00Speaker 00

  He went, will they fall? And everyone was pissing themselves. And, and he was just like, they're going to fucking maul you. They're going to. Honestly, mate, I don't want to say too much here, but at times, at times the Gladiators, some of the, on some of, all I'm going to say is on some of the events, it was like we owed them money.

• 30:18Speaker 01

  Really?

• 30:18Speaker 00

  Fucking hell.

• 30:19Speaker 01

  So they didn't go easy on you. I can't imagine it being easy to go easy on.

• 30:23Speaker 00

  So they're professional athletes. So I think they go to the level of your, you know what I mean? If you're going in and you're tapping them and slapping them, but if you're going in with a bit of vigour, they're like, they'll match it and then they'll better it.

• 30:33Speaker 01

  Any spotty arses?

• 30:34Speaker 00

  No, but not one spotty arse in the entire thing.

• 30:37Speaker 01

  What the fuck? What are they putting on their arses?

• 30:39Speaker 00

  I don't know what's going on.

• 30:41Speaker 01

  I'm sorry.

• 30:41Speaker 00

  Rosie, at one point I, we did, I can tell you, we did duel. Duel is one of the things we did. I climb up on the podium and I stood on that podium, raised up in front of everyone with like my shorts on. I have never been more self-conscious in my entire life.

• 30:53Speaker 01

  Okay. Obviously.

• 30:54Speaker 00

  Tell you what.

• 30:55Speaker 01

  I know.

• 30:56Speaker 00

  Unbelievable.

• 30:57Speaker 01

  Well.

• 30:57Speaker 00

  But the guy I was against, he came up, he had a good front wedgie on, he was picking his good front wedgie out, perfectly tanned thighs and that. I'm looking at him thinking, okay, hell mate.

• 31:04Speaker 01

  Jesus.

• 31:05Speaker 00

  The coppers.

• 31:06Speaker 01

  Was Matt there who, Matt? No, what's his name? What's his Gladiator name?

• 31:13Speaker 01

  Who I did.

• 31:14Speaker 00

  Legend.

• 31:15Speaker 01

  Is that his Gladiator name? I don't know. I think so. He's called Matt, isn't he?

• 31:18Speaker 00

  Don't know the real names.

• 31:19Speaker 01

  Was he there?

• 31:20Speaker 00

  Only know the glad names. We'll call them, in the, in the biz, we'll call them the glads.

• 31:24Speaker 01

  It's horrible.

• 31:25Speaker 00

  Me and Barnes, we're talking to the Glads.

• 31:27Speaker 01

  Barnes and Glads. Jesus fucking Christ. Glad I didn't go.

• 31:31Speaker 00

  I need another pint. Babadu babadu babadu ba. It's time for what's your beef? Now, listen, I can't imagine you having anything negative or any of the sort to say about me because I am, when we're in stressful, possibly hot, high, high-octane situations with the children, I am, I'm calm, I'm, I'm positive and I'm a goddamn delight to be around. So I can't even imagine. Honestly, guys, I apologize. No beef this week. Absolute waste of time.

• 32:06Speaker 01

  You're not, you're none of them things that you just said.

• 32:09Speaker 00

  No, and I know I'm not.

• 32:10Speaker 01

  I wrote down so many beefs.

• 32:11Speaker 00

  Really?

• 32:12Speaker 01

  You're just, you're, you're little puppy, little dog. You get overwhelmed very easily.

• 32:17Speaker 00

  I do.

• 32:18Speaker 01

  But I think the one that upset us the most, genuinely.

• 32:21Speaker 00

  Is it slightly funny at least?

• 32:23Speaker 01

  I think so.

• 32:24Speaker 00

  Okay, I think so.

• 32:25Speaker 01

  We'll see, we'll see how he feels when he's older. But you complained about it being hot so much.

• 32:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:31Speaker 01

  But what really was upsetting, and I think you might have permanent damage.

• 32:34Speaker 00

  Right.

• 32:35Speaker 01

  You wouldn't let Rafe touch you.

• 32:36Speaker 00

  Right.

• 32:37Speaker 01

  You wouldn't, either of the kids, you wouldn't let either of the children touch you at all.

• 32:42Speaker 00

  We were.

• 32:42Speaker 01

  Because you are too hot. And I just thought, how can you be too hot that you can't, like, you are, no, you need a diagnosis.

• 32:51Speaker 00

  A hundred percent.

• 32:51Speaker 01

  You are, and I don't mean that horribly.

• 32:53Speaker 00

  No, no, and I'm not making. Again, I say it in my.

• 32:55Speaker 01

  Passed us by when we were kids.

• 32:56Speaker 00

  I say it on my, on my stand-up show. I don't want to give too much away from my stand-up show yet, but I've done, I've done the test online and it said, go to the fucking.

• 33:04Speaker 01

  You couldn't be touched.

• 33:06Speaker 00

  Yeah. Right. First of all, those children.

• 33:09Speaker 01

  You, you would not let the children touch.

• 33:12Speaker 00

  They've got hot hands.

• 33:13Speaker 01

  He wanted to touch your leg and you were like, you were like this, you were like, I can't be, I can't be touched right now.

• 33:17Speaker 00

  They've got hot hands. He's got hot hands. He had, right, he had, we were in it. First of all, first of all, taxis who don't put their aircon on when it's hot for some ridiculous way of saving fuel and trying to maximize their fucking profit.

• 33:30Speaker 01

  He was driving 58 mile an hour. I wanted to die.

• 33:32Speaker 00

  He was driving extremely slowly.

• 33:34Speaker 01

  He was conserving, what is it?

• 33:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, so 58 mile an hour is the most optimum fuel consumption. So he was driving like a fucking old grand.

• 33:42Speaker 01

  Oh, and early there yet.

• 33:43Speaker 00

  It was really irritating. And he wouldn't have his aircon on. When they don't have their aircon on, I'm like, right, well, you're only given half a service here. It's 30 fucking degrees. I'll put your aircon on. Secondly, them kids have got hot hands. Them kids have got hot fucking hands, right? Two hot hands.

• 33:55Speaker 01

  Your Ben wanted to touch you.

• 33:57Speaker 00

  Look, touch me shoulder.

• 33:58Speaker 01

  Okay, but one day he's not gonna want to.

• 34:00Speaker 00

  Touch me shoulder, shake me hand. Let's have a high five. But don't put, don't put your hot, hot arms and body on me thighs.

• 34:07Speaker 01

  You are horrible to him. And he, and years to come, he's gonna be talking to his therapist going, and there was this one day at Legoland.

• 34:15Speaker 00

  And he'll be paying for that. He'll be paying for the fucking therapist.

• 34:17Speaker 01

  The dad didn't want us to touch him.

• 34:18Speaker 00

  Me. Yeah. Listen, speak to taxis, right?

• 34:22Speaker 01

  I don't, I don't know if you can have a beef with me.

• 34:24Speaker 00

  So my beef with you is, it's something you've been doing for a little while now. I've noticed it getting worse. Again, I put it down to your.

• 34:30Speaker 01

  So it wasn't when we were, were away?

• 34:32Speaker 00

  No, no, God, no, I'm not that stupid. You're kidding. As I'm on thin ice here as it is. Listen, I think you, I need therapy and I've, I do therapy for numerous reasons. You need therapy or you need to just stop listening to true crime podcasts.

• 34:50Speaker 01

  Why? What happened?

• 34:51Speaker 00

  Every single.

• 34:52Speaker 01

  Was it the Lion?

• 34:54Speaker 00

  Every single taxi we are in, you claim they are going the wrong way.

• 34:59Speaker 01

  They are.

• 35:00Speaker 00

  Just to rob with.

• 35:01Speaker 01

  They are. I won't have it any other way.

• 35:03Speaker 00

  I'm absolutely fucking sick of it.

• 35:04Speaker 01

  The Heirwood accent. Have you not noticed in taxis in London, I go, oh, I heard this is where, oh, we've been to dinner there. I'm like, don't think that I don't fucking know where I am because I don't.

• 35:14Speaker 00

  She basically gets in the taxi and goes, hello, I'm Rosie. I work here regularly. I know the routes. Don't take the piss, young man. It's unbelievable. We were driving.

• 35:22Speaker 01

  I'm sorry, but if the thing that, it's, come on.

• 35:25Speaker 00

  We went, so we were, a couple of months ago, we were in Central and we were going west and the fucking, the flyover from basically Marlborough, from like one Marlborough, the flyover, Houston Road thing, Marlborough Road, Houston Road flyover that goes over to Westfield was shut. It was shut. And he went, oh, just so you know, it's closed. We're gonna have to go a different way. Rosie leans in and goes, but it's not closed.

• 35:49Speaker 01

  No, I text you.

• 35:50Speaker 00

  Oh yeah, sorry. It's even worse. You text us. And I get a text and it's like, it's not closed. He's just doing this to rob with. And we went, and didn't we? We went under it and I looked up and it was, there was not one bit of traffic on the flyover. And it was closed. And I went, look, it is closed. And you were like, well, maybe. And it literally like.

• 36:07Speaker 01

  All right, well, have you ever seen bones?

• 36:09Speaker 00

  What's that?

• 36:10Speaker 01

  When he captures them all in his taxis and they try to get out and the, and the lock comes up and it's just a spiky thing and it hurts their fingers.

• 36:18Speaker 00

  No, what the fuck is that?

• 36:19Speaker 01

  If you've seen bones, then you know. Denzel, Denzel Washington. What is it, Denzel?

• 36:25Speaker 00

  Are you thinking about the bone collector?

• 36:27Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 36:28Speaker 00

  I think that is Denzel Washington.

• 36:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's why, that's the one. I mean, he gets them in taxis. Cabs, black cabs, New York.

• 36:36Speaker 00

  Yellow cabs?

• 36:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, same thing.

• 36:38Speaker 00

  Great.

• 36:39Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm. I don't, I, we've had this comment. I don't trust anybody.

• 36:42Speaker 00

  Guys, it's just.

• 36:43Speaker 01

  You're not meant to.

• 36:44Speaker 00

  Like, why is it wrong with this way? Everywhere, like every, like, like I, I basically need to go and take the knowledge and pass the knowledge just so I can sort of fight off the fact that you think that every single taxi driver is trying to rob with.

• 37:01Speaker 01

  In the name of the Father.

• 37:05Speaker 00

  Guys, that was, for the people listening, that was, that was our ice cubes in our wine because there's now an ice cube in a wine guy, aren't you?

• 37:11Speaker 01

  Do you know why I put ice cubes in a wine now?

• 37:13Speaker 00

  Why?

• 37:13Speaker 01

  Because I've realised that I don't like drinking water on a night out. But if you put ice cubes in a wine, you are actually getting a drink.

• 37:20Speaker 00

  You're drinking a bit of water.

• 37:21Speaker 01

  And it's just as nice.

• 37:22Speaker 00

  Well, there we go.

• 37:23Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 37:23Speaker 00

  Congrats.

• 37:26Speaker 00

  Stop the press, guys. I just pressed stop as Rosie was quaffing our wine there. And she's just claimed she's got another beef.

• 37:34Speaker 01

  It's just from the weekend.

• 37:35Speaker 00

  Okay, let's do it.

• 37:36Speaker 01

  We're a weekend away, can I tell you?

• 37:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, a hundred percent. My 40th, my 40th weekend away, you've got two beefs.

• 37:39Speaker 01

  Your 40th weekend away, which you ruined because you can't be hot and you can't be touched by anyone. You also, you can't go to the toilet with your bag on.

• 37:52Speaker 01

  And I was so angry. I was so angry. And do you remember what happened? You couldn't go to the toilet with your bag on, so I had your bag. And then while you were at the toilet, I went, I need the toilet. Because I was also on my period, by the way, bleeding out my front vagina all fucking day in the 35 degree heat. And guess what I did? While you were at the toilet, I went to the toilet with your bag on. That you could not possibly have on your back whilst you had a piss. What the fuck is wrong with you? What is wrong with you?

• 38:24Speaker 00

  It's character balance. I fall over. So when I'm standing and having a wee, right?

• 38:27Speaker 01

  You're ill.

• 38:28Speaker 00

  No, if I'm standing having a wee and the wee comes out of my bladder, your bladder's at the front, so the wee goes out of you. And if I've got a backpack on, I fall over like a turtle. I fall over like a turtle.

• 38:37Speaker 01

  Why can't you go to the toilet with your bag on?

• 38:39Speaker 00

  I don't know, I just, it was. I was just, I was just hot and bothered and I didn't want a bag on us. Like, you admitted that bags make you hot. You admitted that. And you're, oh my God, you know what it is?

• 38:49Speaker 01

  I did, no, okay.

• 38:50Speaker 00

  I'm starting to understand why these fucking families take the trailer with them. Because bags make you hot.

• 38:54Speaker 01

  That bag made you, but.

• 38:55Speaker 00

  It's like someone cuddling you.

• 38:56Speaker 01

  I said, you want, this is the, the thing about you. This is what, right, okay, write this down for therapy. This is what you need to tell them about, right?

• 39:04Speaker 00

  Do you know what it is? What, you know what we should do?

• 39:05Speaker 01

  Can I just tell you so you don't forget?

• 39:07Speaker 00

  No, I wanted to tell you, this is what we should do, right? You and my therapist should just chat to each other and then I should just be told what I need to do.

• 39:13Speaker 01

  I don't think that's how it works. You can't, like, so I would have took turns with you all day to have that bag because it, I had it on for a bit and I was like, oh God, I went, it does make you really hot. Because it's like.

• 39:25Speaker 00

  And then I had two hands and a head on me thigh as well.

• 39:27Speaker 01

  Great. But I said to you, I'll have the bag for a bit. And you were like, no, no, I'm fine.

• 39:31Speaker 00

  Right.

• 39:31Speaker 01

  No, no, no, I'm fine.

• 39:33Speaker 00

  I'm stoic. I'm a martyr.

• 39:34Speaker 01

  Okay, then, do you know what it is? I'm not gonna argue with you because if you're not willing, whereas if it was me, I'd have went, oh yeah, let's take turns with this bag.

• 39:41Speaker 00

  Right.

• 39:41Speaker 01

  So I've got no sympathy for you.

• 39:44Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 39:45Speaker 01

  Tell them that, see what they see.

• 39:46Speaker 00

  Right. Good. It's nice, isn't it?

• 39:54Speaker 01

  I've literally just wrote, I haven't even put any, I'm just put, you can't go to the toilet with a bag.

• 40:05Speaker 01

  Oh God. Oh, Legoland, you complained so much about the weather. You couldn't let the, you wouldn't let the kids touch you. You're ill.

• 40:13Speaker 00

  Is that what you've written? You're ill?

• 40:19Speaker 01

  You're ill, look.

• 40:19Speaker 00

  You're ill? No, yeah, I believe you. I believe that you've written you're ill. I believe that you've written you're ill. I do believe it. Yeah. God fucking grief.

• 40:32Speaker 03

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• 41:01Speaker 04

  Kayak searches and compares hundreds of travel sites. But unless I repeat the word kayak, Kayak thinks you won't remember that. So Kayak asked me to say kayak as many times as possible. Kayak. Kayak. Kayak. Kayak. Kayak. Kayak. Kai. Ooh. Ak. Kai, Kai, Kai, Kai, kayak. Kayak, kayak, kayak. Search, compare and save on your trip. Kayak. Got that right.

• 41:33Speaker 05

  You sound horrible. Oh, I feel worse. This flu is not playing around. Dad, you promised you'd be in my band. And it's showtime. Then it's Dayquil Intense Flu time. For fast and powerful relief of your flu symptoms, try Dayquil Intense Flu. Hit it. Yeah. Dayquil Intense Flu, the fast-acting daytime coughing, aching, aching, aching fever power through your flu medicine. Use is directed, keep out of reach of children.

• 42:02Speaker 00

  Can we just say as well, shout out, we were in Balthazar, the restaurant at Covent Garden yesterday.

• 42:11Speaker 01

  Really good kids menu.

• 42:13Speaker 00

  Brilliant.

• 42:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:15Speaker 00

  Incredible.

• 42:15Speaker 01

  Well, I think they've had to adapt because it's right next to, so the theatre along the road, which might be the Lycium.

• 42:22Speaker 00

  It's where Minsmee was, yeah.

• 42:23Speaker 01

  No, no, that's around the corner, but the big one, it's a.

• 42:27Speaker 00

  Well, shoot me with shit.

• 42:28Speaker 01

  Well, no, they've had loads of kids, Frozen was there for years, Hercules is there at the minute. I think they get lots of the kids shows.

• 42:33Speaker 00

  My beef with Chris next week, he mixed up across the road and round the corner. Ech, you hell. Right.

• 42:40Speaker 01

  No.

• 42:40Speaker 00

  So, yeah, beautiful restaurant, really, really nice. And, yeah, really caters really well for kids and it does colouring in and that when they get there. So there's a table next to her and it had a 15-year-old lad and his mum and dad, from what I could gather. And the mum came over and she was like, like, right towards, like, we're never bothered by people bothering us at all, it's not a problem. But she waited right till the end of the meal and she came over and she said, my son's a huge fan. And we were like, 15-year-old? And she was like, yeah, yeah. So shout out, bro, if you're listening, what a lovely lad. It was so canny. And but we realised that because they were so polite and they waited till the end of the meal, they basically heard every fucking argument we had.

• 43:20Speaker 01

  And the kids there were down at the.

• 43:22Speaker 00

  No wonder he was buzzing. He probably thought, is this not a fucking live, what's your beef section?

• 43:29Speaker 00

  And do you want to tell everyone what one of, what the main argument was about with that table, which tells you that we are quite pathetic and petty? So we decided to watch Goonies on the night.

• 43:39Speaker 01

  No, you're not going to talk about the goujons?

• 43:41Speaker 00

  The goujons, the fish goujons? Okay, come on then. I said I didn't want to bring this up because this was pretty big. This is a massive argument that we had. I didn't want to bring this up, but come on.

• 43:50Speaker 01

  But it's so, it's ridiculous. No, so.

• 43:52Speaker 00

  Robin ordered cheeseburger. Instead, they randomly brought him fish goujons. So, and they went, oh, look, you can keep them. We'll get his cheeseburger sorted, which was very sound of them. So there was just a big fucking plate of fish goujons in the middle of the table.

• 44:04Speaker 01

  Which, which I started eating because I thought, oh, free fish goujons, lovely. And because I'd ordered a pasta and a salad and I was like, oh, brilliant, a little bit of meat, bit of, bit of fish goujons, very much loving it, enjoying it. Chris thought there was too many things on the table, so he got the waiter to move.

• 44:19Speaker 00

  No, no, once, once he brought the, the cheeseburger and the chips.

• 44:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, you just said, can you please take that away? Because there's too much on the table and we don't want it. And the guy took it straight away and I was like, I was actually, I was actually eating them.

• 44:32Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 44:34Speaker 01

  To which you said, well, why didn't you tell the guy? And I was like, well, it just all happened so fast. I was just.

• 44:38Speaker 00

  It happened so fast. Who, who's he? The Flash? It didn't happen that fast.

• 44:41Speaker 01

  It did happen fast.

• 44:42Speaker 00

  Who do you think he is?

• 44:43Speaker 01

  It did.

• 44:44Speaker 00

  Fucking, one of them old fucking Kung Fu films, oh.

• 44:46Speaker 01

  Oh, no, but no, what am I meant to do? Literally, no, I'm enjoying them free fish goujons.

• 44:51Speaker 00

  Hundred percent, right. So this is what happened, right?

• 44:53Speaker 01

  Stop. No, what you should have done, I'm sorry, what, what would have been nice is for you to go, oh, are you, are you eating them still? Like, are you eating them?

• 45:01Speaker 00

  A hundred percent. I should have said, I should have said, sorry.

• 45:04Speaker 01

  No, you literally, you were like, get everything off the table. I'm too old, I'm, don't touch us, I'm too hot. Get rid of the fish goujons.

• 45:10Speaker 00

  I needed room on the table because I had a large brass goblet for me caviar.

• 45:15Speaker 01

  That was ridiculous.

• 45:16Speaker 00

  That's not even a joke, guys. I ordered caviar because I just did, right? And it comes, it comes.

• 45:21Speaker 01

  Because he's really eating out his forties and he's like, I never get, it was ridiculous.

• 45:27Speaker 00

  It comes, it comes in what I can imagine. It's like, imagine if you win the Sunday League. Seven-a-side Sunday League and you win like a big, like a big gold plate.

• 45:37Speaker 01

  It was so ridiculous.

• 45:38Speaker 00

  Fucking huge, like, like unbelievable, right? So imagine your Sunday League, you've won the Sunday League.

• 45:43Speaker 01

  What would their people have thought? Their people are listening to podcasts.

• 45:47Speaker 00

  There he is, eating his caviar.

• 45:48Speaker 01

  His goblet.

• 45:49Speaker 00

  It was massive. So imagine, again, a plate that you've won the Sunday League and it's on like, it's on like, it's on the Holy Grail, basically. It was on like a fucking chalice and it's, it's got all its stuff. So I had that. And then, yeah, all the stuff was on. And then he brought the, it was a small table and it was getting full. And I said, oh, mate, can you take them away, please? And you like sort of just sat and looked and waited. So let's say, right, so I said, yeah, mate, can you take them? One, two, no problems, sir. Three, four. We're talking five seconds before he's out of the way, right? It wasn't like, can you take that?

• 46:19Speaker 00

  Right? It was like.

• 46:20Speaker 01

  Can you already, you're, no, but you're already changing the story because you went, you went, I can't even speak.

• 46:27Speaker 00

  In fact, he actually said, he actually, he actually said, are you sure? Which means you had so many opportunities. This is my point, right? You had so many opportunities to say, no, I'm eating them. But what you would prefer to do, and what a lot of people out there, and I'm not genderising this, it might be men, might be women. A lot of you out there who love a fucking row, right? You, in your relationship, I go, can you take them away, mate? And she sits and goes, well, I was eating them, but I'm going to stay quiet because I, do you know what I want to do? I want to piss and fucking moan about it afterwards. I can't be arsed. I'm not quick enough to say, no, I want to keep them there, but I love a fucking 15-minute row about it afterwards. That'll, that'll be my dessert.

• 47:03Speaker 01

  No, you've already, you've already changed the story to try to help your narrative because you definitely did not say, mate, could you take them away in that voice?

• 47:13Speaker 00

  I know, it was a lot more.

• 47:14Speaker 01

  No, it was, could you, could you take the fish goujons away?

• 47:20Speaker 01

  So internally, I'm, I'm mortified.

• 47:22Speaker 00

  For some realism, for some realism, it was somewhere in between both of those impressions. Let's be honest to you. It was somewhere in between.

• 47:28Speaker 01

  No, but can you take them fish, is everything okay? No, no, can you take them fish goujons away?

• 47:34Speaker 01

  Which we've wives eaten.

• 47:36Speaker 00

  I didn't know you were fucking eating them. I didn't know you were eating them.

• 47:39Speaker 01

  You were too busy, nothing, you're fucking.

• 47:43Speaker 00

  I was busy with me caviar. Can we all just take a moment here? The white, straight man was busy eating his caviar. Can I have some sympathy?

• 47:50Speaker 01

  But you do this a lot. You do this a lot. You get things removed and you get like, you kind of bear it and it's, it's a lot. You are very, you are, you are, you are here, okay? You are upper height and sadly. And also, I didn't want to be the fat, greedy bitch who had a pasta and a salad.

• 48:08Speaker 00

  There it is. There it is. Thank you.

• 48:17Speaker 00

  There it is. You had ample time to say, no, I'm eating them, but you didn't want to. That's the problem.

• 48:23Speaker 01

  What the freebies, the free fish goujons, which weren't meant to be there.

• 48:27Speaker 00

  I apologise. Do you know what? I wholeheartedly apologise. But see, I often think my brain works really quickly, but yours works really quick on stuff like that. So it's like, you're literally like, yeah, I don't want to say it because then I'm like, the greedy pig wants to get, I apologise. I, I, I wholeheartedly apologise. But again, you had so much time. It's not like you fucking teleported them off the table.

• 48:46Speaker 01

  Fair enough.

• 48:47Speaker 00

  You're acting like you fucking had Doctor Strange's sling ring and he just went shh and just fucking teleported them out of the place.

• 48:54Speaker 01

  He had a really quiet voice.

• 48:56Speaker 00

  He's the quietest man in the world. I swear down, guys. Have you ever had a waiter who's just the quietest man in the world? It was painful.

• 49:07Speaker 00

  What?

• 49:09Speaker 00

  Sorry?

• 49:11Speaker 01

  The bin's got glue here.

• 49:21Speaker 00

  Oh, God.

• 49:24Speaker 00

  I'm sweating. I'm, I'm, I would say I'm probably pissed now. Cheers.

• 49:28Speaker 01

  Would you get me another glass of wine?

• 49:29Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 49:31Speaker 01

  Would you put some ice in it?

• 49:32Speaker 00

  Oh, sorry. By the way, the main thing we argued about, we're going to watch the Goonies that night and Rosie had it in her head that Sloth was called Schleff. And we argued for fucking ages about it. I refused to Google it because it was so blatant. She thought, you thought, you thought Sloth.

• 49:49Speaker 01

  But this, Rafe went, are they Schleff?

• 49:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, when we watched it, he said, there's Schleff. That was upsetting.

• 49:56Speaker 01

  Yes, we let Rafe watch at 12. Like, I'm not happy about it.

• 49:59Speaker 00

  It went over his head and I covered his eyes.

• 50:00Speaker 01

  I'm not proud about it, but when you've got an age gap, sometimes, and you want to watch a film all together in bed on, on, on holiday.

• 50:06Speaker 00

  When Chunk was in the freezer with the dead body, we covered his eyes and you can see that dead body laughing as well. So it's actually quite funny because that guy who played that dead body, he's pissing himself laughing. Yeah, Schleff. I said he's called Sloth and Rosie, you said, is he, are you sure he's not called Schleff? And I said, what, Schleff?

• 50:20Speaker 01

  I was sure he's called Schleff.

• 50:21Speaker 00

  Like what? What someone who's drunk trying to type the word shelf into their phone would accidentally type?

• 50:26Speaker 01

  Well, in my defence, I think all of my family, Kate and Kevin, will also think he's called Schleff.

• 50:32Speaker 00

  Get the phone out. Get the phone out now. Ring Kate immediately.

• 50:45Speaker 00

  Don't feed her with schleff, see.

• 50:46Speaker 06

  Hello.

• 50:46Speaker 01

  Hello, it's me. Just really quickly, Kate, we're doing the podcast.

• 50:50Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah.

• 50:50Speaker 01

  Do you know in The Goonies, the guy who's, the brother who's in the chair tied up, what's he called?

• 50:57Speaker 06

  Josh Brolin.

• 50:58Speaker 00

  No, no, no, no. Hi, Kate, Chris, it's Chris here.

• 51:01Speaker 06

  Oh, hi, Chris.

• 51:02Speaker 00

  You know the one who wears the Superman t-shirt who saves the day? He's got a lot of prosthetics, one eyes up, one eyes down, he has flap. What's his name?

• 51:10Speaker 06

  Sloth.

• 51:10Speaker 00

  There it is. Thank you very much. Thanks, Kate.

• 51:14Speaker 01

  I thought he was called Schleff.

• 51:14Speaker 00

  Rosie thought he was called Schleff.

• 51:18Speaker 06

  What? Rosie, how many times have we watched that film, Matt?

• 51:21Speaker 01

  I know. Who did you say first? Josh Brolin?

• 51:24Speaker 00

  Josh Brolin, man.

• 51:25Speaker 06

  Josh Brolin is Chris's brother.

• 51:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, okay. No worries. I thought we all thought he was called Schleff.

• 51:32Speaker 00

  No, no, just you.

• 51:33Speaker 06

  No, it's Sloth. It's always been Sloth.

• 51:36Speaker 00

  Kate, we had a 20-minute argue about it in a restaurant yesterday. Unbelievable.

• 51:41Speaker 01

  Among all that, I think, Kate. We had a fight because Chris couldn't, we got some free fish gouchons, right? Because the order was wrong. I was eating them, but Chris couldn't bear how much stuff was on the table, so he sent them away without asking us.

• 51:53Speaker 06

  Oh, you never send away free stuff.

• 51:56Speaker 01

  Thank you. That's exactly what I say. You got overwhelmed. You couldn't let the kids touch him. I'll tell you all about it.

• 52:01Speaker 00

  Great.

• 52:01Speaker 06

  Oh, no. Chris, sort yourself out.

• 52:04Speaker 00

  Thanks, Kate.

• 52:05Speaker 01

  Love you. I think Kev's called him Schleff. I'll do try one more time.

• 52:09Speaker 00

  No chance. No one, no one in the history of the world has called him Schleff. It is the most iconic name.

• 52:15Speaker 00

  His name is Sloth.

• 52:16Speaker 01

  Why does he sound like he's a broad?

• 52:24Speaker 06

  Hey.

• 52:24Speaker 01

  Hi, Kev. Hi, Kev. Really quickly, we're just doing the podcast, right? Question. Do you know the Goonies?

• 52:30Speaker 06

  Yo, you're the Goonies!

• 52:35Speaker 00

  All right, Kev, Kev.

• 52:36Speaker 01

  No, listen.

• 52:37Speaker 00

  No, no, you know the person who shouts, "Hey, you guys"? What's his, what's his name?

• 52:42Speaker 06

  Sloth.

• 52:45Speaker 06

  Yeah, man, do the chuffle, shuffle.

• 52:49Speaker 00

  Kev, your sister thought he was called Schleff.

• 52:53Speaker 06

  Schleff?

• 52:55Speaker 06

  Oh, he's not, Rosie knows better.

• 52:58Speaker 01

  I thought it was a cute little name we'd given him. Doesn't matter. I got it wrong.

• 53:03Speaker 06

  There's so much you could do about that, The Goonies, man. The best part's when they chuck the little coin down the well and he's, "Yo, man!", and it fucking sucks and then prove it, right?

• 53:13Speaker 01

  And he goes, oh, what'd he go? "Amy, you're going, going, going!"

• 53:19Speaker 06

  And then the guy gets shot up on the toilet, do you know?

• 53:24Speaker 06

  It was like the 80s or the 90s. Oh, it was brilliant.

• 53:26Speaker 01

  80s, I think.

• 53:27Speaker 00

  The kids loved it. When he flew up on that toilet, the kids loved it. It was amazing.

• 53:31Speaker 06

  And the tails wig off and that one's mid.

• 53:34Speaker 01

  Right. I'll speak to you later. Love you.

• 53:37Speaker 06

  Yeah, take care, guys. Chug.

• 53:38Speaker 01

  Bye.

• 53:42Speaker 00

  He just started shouting at someone.

• 53:43Speaker 01

  Oh, he's like, he's like The Goonies' biggest fan, Mike.

• 53:46Speaker 00

  Oh, great. It's time for questions from the public.

• 53:53Speaker 00

  Public, as always. She's on a second glass of wine. As always, if you'd like to get in touch, it is Shag. Married or not? Stop that now. As always, if you'd like to get in touch.

• 54:03Speaker 01

  It sounds like, um, when you hear that bell ringing, I'm a Norman!

• 54:11Speaker 00

  Good God. ShagMarriedNotAtGmail.com. If you want to send me a long form email, please do. Or if you want to send a voice note, 07874406650. I think I've read that right. I'm seeing slightly double because I'm on my second.

• 54:25Speaker 01

  He's always on the scene. Fireman Sam and his engine's bright and clean.

• 54:30Speaker 00

  We've spoke about this before. The fact that they got away with calling the only Italian woman in the whole place Bella lasagna is just an absolute, what an absolute win.

• 54:40Speaker 01

  Bella lasagna.

• 54:41Speaker 00

  Unbelievable. Honestly.

• 54:43Speaker 01

  I know.

• 54:44Speaker 00

  Bella lasagna.

• 54:46Speaker 01

  Okay, I've got a little voice note here. Are you ready?

• 54:48Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 54:52Speaker 06

  Hello, Chris. Hello, Rosie. Long time listener, first time messenger, I guess.

• 54:56Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 54:57Speaker 06

  Just listening to the last few episodes where you were talking about baby showers and how they can get in the sea because they're absolutely ridiculous and a waste of time. I was asked to cover a shift recently in work by someone who had to go to her daughter's graduation, so I thought that's really important, big achievement. So I asked what her daughter had graduated in. Was told it was nursery class. Yeah, we're graduating from nursery now. That can absolutely get in the bin while we're graduating from nursery class.

• 55:32Speaker 01

  I can't tell if he's got kids or not.

• 55:35Speaker 01

  That's hilarious.

• 55:37Speaker 00

  100%, I am right.

• 55:40Speaker 01

  Oh, I hate it. It's the most ridiculous thing ever.

• 55:43Speaker 00

  I understand that it's memories. We're going to make these little moments and people add these extra things in to have, it's fucking social media. But also, also, I've never, ever, ever thought about it from point of view of the person who has to cover the shift.

• 55:59Speaker 01

  I'd be fuming, imagine.

• 56:01Speaker 00

  Fucking amazing.

• 56:02Speaker 01

  But he's probably thinking, "Gradu- oh my God, congratulations."

• 56:05Speaker 00

  No problem at all. Of course I will.

• 56:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, graduation once in a lifetime.

• 56:09Speaker 00

  What do they want to do? What, what field are they going into? Oh, the rounders field? Because it's nursery?

• 56:16Speaker 01

  Hi, Rosie and Chris. I've got an ick that I genuinely don't think I can recover from.

• 56:21Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 56:22Speaker 01

  My boyfriend has built himself a bird table. And when I say built, I mean he's knocked together what can only be described as a wonky wooden penthouse using leftover bits of timber from one of his jobs. Now, you'd think we'd be attracting robins, blue tits, or maybe the odd woodpecker. No.

• 56:41Speaker 00

  No, what? What's left?

• 56:43Speaker 01

  It's exclusively pigeons.

• 56:50Speaker 01

  Every single.

• 56:56Speaker 01

  Chris.

• 56:58Speaker 00

  It's a pigeon penthouse?

• 57:01Speaker 01

  He has the weird bed. He stands at the window like some sort of Disney princess, lovingly watching them eat while simultaneously shouting, "Go away, I don't want to hear you", before immediately following up with, "Oh, but they're hungry."

• 57:17Speaker 01

  So apparently, he's running a pigeon soup kitchen against his own will.

• 57:26Speaker 01

  He'll have full-on conversations with them. Right, that's enough now. Oh, you've brought your mates. No, you can't all fit in there. Meanwhile, he's the one who's put out enough feed to seed the entire pigeon population of Greater Manchester. I've never seen someone so emotionally conflicted by birds. Watching, watching a grown man in work boots whisper into a flock of feral pigeons he's personally catered for as an ick I never knew existed. Please tell me I'm not the only one living with a self-appointed pigeon landlord.

• 57:57Speaker 00

  It's so good. So he's putting out there, wanting like fucking.

• 58:00Speaker 01

  He's wanting all the rare ones.

• 58:02Speaker 00

  Tranchers and that and like garden birds. And he's just got the monkey fucking.

• 58:05Speaker 01

  Lives in central Manchester.

• 58:06Speaker 00

  Manchester, fucking Piccadilly Gardens, fucked up feet.

• 58:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:11Speaker 00

  You know, one of them, you know, they've got their own foot and then one of them's just a fucking, like a mace. Oh, man, that's amazing. That is so fucking funny.

• 58:19Speaker 01

  But you can't, then you can't say no, can you? Because you've started it.

• 58:21Speaker 00

  You've already put it out there, haven't you? You can't. That's fucking so funny. Oh my God, I love it. A little pigeon penthouse that he doesn't want to be part of.

• 58:29Speaker 01

  Please keep me anonymous.

• 58:32Speaker 01

  Listening to a recent episode that mentioned passive-aggressive retail staff.

• 58:36Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 58:36Speaker 01

  Took me back to my own unfortunate retail incident.

• 58:39Speaker 00

  Right.

• 58:39Speaker 01

  Okay. Use your brain for this one.

• 58:42Speaker 00

  No.

• 58:42Speaker 01

  About seven years ago, during a summer break from uni, I started working at a local menswear shop. We sold suits, shirts, chinos and all that shit.

• 58:51Speaker 00

  Reese.

• 58:52Speaker 01

  One day.

• 58:52Speaker 00

  It's Reese.

• 58:53Speaker 01

  We were informed that a local celebrity would be coming in for a suit, possibly two, amongst other things.

• 58:59Speaker 00

  Oh, is this me? It's not me, is it?

• 59:01Speaker 01

  Said bloke arrived alongside his wife and we began dressing him in suits. Everything went smoothly.

• 59:06Speaker 00

  Is this me?

• 59:07Speaker 01

  It was only when the time come to pay that a problem arose. I know what you're thinking. Was he expecting a freebie? A massive discount? No, it was none of that. It was me who caused the issue. In brackets, I must stress, stretch. That it was entirely unintentional. The shop was a quirky one, full of decorative features. Near the till was a sign reading naughty corner alongside a bowl of sweets. The celebrity's wife spotted it and said, "Oh, look, the sweets." What I said next still keeps me up at night. Trying to be conversational, I replied, "Oh, there's dog treats there as well." Unfortunately, what I had implied was that she was a dog.

• 59:48Speaker 01

  She left the shop rather hurriedly while her husband struggled to contain his laughter. The incident still haunts me to this day. Rosie, I'm so sorry. I don't think you're a dog. However, I did accidentally make professional comedian Chris Ramsey laugh. I don't remember that. Do you remember that?

• 1:00:06Speaker 00

  Was it Jules B in Jasmine?

• 1:00:08Speaker 01

  It must, I don't remember.

• 1:00:09Speaker 00

  It must have been Jules B in Jasmine. I fucking knew it was me straight away. But I didn't do anything stupid here.

• 1:00:13Speaker 01

  Well, take it this way, I didn't take offence at that at all. And I don't, I don't really remember. "Oh, there's dog treats there as well." But you, maybe I do. Did you say, "Oh", for you, like to me?

• 1:00:26Speaker 00

  I think, yeah, I don't know. Maybe I threw your tennis ball out the door and you chased it.

• 1:00:29Speaker 01

  Maybe it's, "Oh, oh, oh, oh". Must have been. Oh, don't keep, don't keep a waking night by that. Oh, God love you. No, listen, don't you worry about that.

• 1:00:39Speaker 00

  Like, anyone listening who's ever done anything like that, just please be aware that I've done a million times worse.

• 1:00:46Speaker 01

  Oh, God. So many times.

• 1:00:48Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 1:00:48Speaker 01

  So many. I'm trying, I'm trying to think of one now at the top of my head, but I can't. But there's been many.

• 1:01:07Speaker 01

  Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shag Married Noid.

• 1:01:12Speaker 00

  And watching. Thank you.

• 1:01:13Speaker 01

  And watching.

• 1:01:13Speaker 00

  This, this alcohol has hit me like a ton of fucking bricks.

• 1:01:16Speaker 01

  And me. What's wrong?

• 1:01:17Speaker 00

  Ton of bricks.

• 1:01:17Speaker 01

  Oh, do you know, we haven't had any lunch.

• 1:01:19Speaker 00

  We haven't had any lunch.

• 1:01:20Speaker 01

  And it's bloody what?

• 1:01:21Speaker 00

  Or breakfast.

• 1:01:22Speaker 01

  It's half six?

• 1:01:24Speaker 01

  Oh, no, we did have lunch. I had that sushi, but it was spicy. Remember?

• 1:01:27Speaker 00

  It was spicy. You couldn't, you couldn't on the train. No.

• 1:01:28Speaker 01

  I'm clamming.

• 1:01:29Speaker 00

  Clamming. So there we go, guys. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for watching. If you did, please continue to like, rate and subscribe. That'll be amazing. If you want to get in touch, it's [email protected] to send in a long form email. And if you want to send in a voice note, which we fucking love to be fair, 07874406650.

• 1:01:47Speaker 01

  We love you so much.

• 1:01:48Speaker 00

  We do indeed. Thank you so, so much.

• 1:01:50Speaker 01

  Seven years.

• 1:01:52Speaker 00

  ChrisRamseyComedy.com for my tour, which starts in a month's time. Stop that. That's disgusting what you're doing there. Just, ugh, you don't go on YouTube and watch that. Yes, so we'll be back in years, next week.

• 1:02:03Speaker 01

  Next week. Bye. Yeah, let's pasta.

• 1:02:19Speaker 02

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