You Need To Be Single. Here's Why. | Lewis Howes

Lewis gets brutally honest about the relationship patterns that kept him stuck for years and why being single became the most transformative season of his life. He breaks down the difference between chemistry and compatibility, revealing how most people confuse fleeting feelings for genuine alignment. You'll learn why confidence that comes from being chosen disappears the moment you're rejected, and how to build the kind of inner strength that makes you ready for real partnership. Lewis shares the exact exercise he did with Martha before committing that created alignment on values, vision, and lifestyle. This isn't about staying single forever - it's about using this season to heal your wounds, raise your standards, and become the person who's ready for the relationship you actually want. Make Money Easy: Create Financial Freedom and Live a Richer LifeThe Greatness Mindset: Unlock the Power of Your Mind and Live Your Best Life TodayThe Mask of Masculinity: How Men Can Embrace Vulnerability, Create Strong Relationships, and Live Their Fullest LivesThe School of Greatness: A Real-World Guide to Living Bigger, Loving Deeper, and Leaving a LegacyIn this episode you will:Transform the wounds you've been carrying into past relationships before they bleed on someone newBuild confidence from within instead of depending on someone choosing you to feel worthyDiscover who you are without distractions so you stop using relationships to avoid yourselfRaise your standards through alignment rather than settling out of fear of being alonePrepare yourself for healthy lasting love by doing the inner work now that creates conscious partnership laterFor more information go to https://lewishowes.com/1885For more Greatness text PODCAST to +1 (614) 350-3960More SOG episodes we think you’ll love:Lewis Howes [SOLO]Esther PerelMartha Higareda Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  You need to have a single season in your life, and here's why. We live in a world that tells us, "Don't be alone," or "Find someone fast," or "Being single means something is wrong with you." But what if being single isn't a problem that you need to fix? What if it's a season to build the greatest version of yourself? What if the reason your relationships keep falling apart is because you never gave yourself time to stand on your own? You never gave yourself space? I've been single, and I've been in unhealthy relationships. And now I'm in a deep, consciously committed marriage. And today, I'm going to share with you the five things that I wish someone had taught

• 0:41Lewis Howes?

  me sooner about why being single is the best way to attract a better love life. And reason number one is being single teaches you who you are without distractions. You can't build a healthy "we" until you know who you are. And most people don't fall in love, they fall into a distraction, right? How many times have you been into a relationship because you were afraid of being single? You didn't want to face your fears? You felt like you were missing out on something? And the first moment you felt attraction, you leaned in and you got into a committed relationship? People use relationships to avoid themselves, their insecurities, their fears, their lack

• 1:24Lewis Howes?

  of direction, or where they're headed. And when you're always with someone, you never sit still long enough to hear your own voice. When I was single, I was forced to ask hard questions. What do I believe? What is it I truly want? What am I avoiding and what am I running from? There was no one to blame, there was no one to hide behind. And that clarity changed everything. And when I allowed myself to be single before dating Martha, I really asked myself these questions because I'd been in multiple relationships, long-term relationships, with good women, but just weren't the right women for me.

• 2:07Lewis Howes?

  And so there was a lot of conflict, there was a lot of struggle, there was a lot of frustrations, there was a lot of, "Ah, this is so hard. Why is it so hard?" And all these different challenges that happened. And after many relationships that didn't work out, that didn't frame that peace and fulfillment and growth mindset together, I started asking myself these questions.

• 2:27Lewis Howes?

  And when I was single, I started really diving deeper in the healing journey. And the healing journey started to create space and awareness of what I had been doing, the responsibility I got to take for the decisions I made being in those relationships, and then give me clarity and a purpose and a vision for the relationship I wanted to create. Again, before Martha, I just had to get real with myself. I had to realize that I had been looking for someone to make me happy. I'd been looking for someone to fill a void, an insecurity, of self doubt, of not enoughness. And if I was in a relationship, then it would make me feel happier. And I really had to learn how to enjoy my own company and set different standards

• 3:09Lewis Howes?

  for connection and commitment long term, rather than look for chemistry masking as compatibility. Because chemistry does not equal compatibility. Maybe it does, but if you're unwilling to talk about the hard things or really get clear on your vision, your values, your lifestyle, the dreams you have, and find someone who's willing to fully accept you for who you are, and you have the courage to look at someone with all their history and all their past and all their family issues and their whole dynamics, and can you have the courage to accept them? That is a big thing. Because most people get connected to someone through chemistry and then hope that it automatically equals compatibility.

• 3:52Lewis Howes?

  And you hope that they just fit this mold of a vision that you have for your life. But a lot of the times, they don't until you ask the hard questions. And then when you realize that the hard questions, you don't get the answers you want, you try changing the partner to fit your narrative of dream life in the relationships that you have, and they don't want to change. And then they feel resistance, and then you feel resentment that they didn't change for you. And now all of a sudden, you have chemistry, but it's not compatibility. And now you have problems, problems that are really hard to work through. But now you're a year or two in, and you've already created all this connection, and you've merged your friends and your families have met. You've gone on trips. You've posted on social media talking about how amazing this person is,

• 4:37Lewis Howes?

  only to realize after the honeymoon phase, oh, they're not that amazing after all, because they don't fit the narrative of the vision and the values that I have in my life. Again, I had to learn to enjoy my own company so that that didn't happen again. And once I stopped needing someone to fill the silence for me, to make me feel lovable, I became ready to share the silence with the right person. And I want you to use your single season to get clear on what your values are and define them. Not just, I want to have fun with someone and I want to have good sex and I want to be like chemistry and sparks. That's not values. That's a feeling. So I need you to define your values.

• 5:20Lewis Howes?

  If you want to have a long-term, sustainable, fulfilling relationship. If you're just looking to have fun and date people, okay, cool. Don't define your values. Just have fun and know that that will burn out over time. And you'll never create something deep and meaningful with that fleeting chemical feeling. So number one is to define your values, clarify your vision and get comfortable with your own company. Man, this is a tough one for a lot of people. Let me know if this resonates. That it's hard being alone and, and loving yourself. Can you love the person you are with on a daily basis without anyone around? Can you look in the mirror, not in a narcissistic or egotistical way? Can you look in the mirror and say, man, I'm really proud of you.

• 6:04Lewis Howes?

  I really love the person you're becoming. I love how you overcame these challenges over these last few months. I really admire and respect the person you've been. I respect that you've been honoring your word and your commitments to yourself and to other people. And you just keep showing up for yourself. I love that you're creating boundaries in your relationships and your friendships. And, and in certain things that you're creating boundaries to make sure you're taking care of you. I love that about you. Are you able to speak to yourself in the mirror and truly admire the person you're becoming? Knowing that we all have room to grow and none of us are going to be perfect. But can you look at yourself and say, you're doing it. You're not where I want you to be, but you're doing it.

• 6:47Lewis Howes?

  And I love that you overcame this challenge and you overcame this fear and you just, you're not going to be perfect. I get it, but I admire you. I respect you and I love you. It may sound weird thinking about this and doing this exercise, but I highly recommend you do it and reflect. Physically reflect in the mirror and then spiritually interpret that reflection with yourself and say, are you proud of you? Are you happy with the results you're having in your life? Are you happy with the boundaries you're creating? Are you happy with the standards you're setting and are you meeting those standards? And listen, we all have down seasons and down months and go through grief and loss where we're not going to be our best self. But can

• 7:28Lewis Howes?

  you try to be your best self and can you constantly recommit to that, knowing you're going to fall from grace from time to time? Can you do your best to set standards for yourself? And then live up to the standards. If you can, then you can enjoy the company with you. It's when you don't set these standards and you cannot look yourself in the face in the mirror and say, I'm proud of you. Doesn't mean you're not where you want to be. That's okay, but you can be proud of the person you've become and what you've overcome. If you can look yourself in the mirror and be proud of what you've overcome from a year, five, 10 years ago, knowing you have room to grow, then that's a good thing. But if you look yourself in the mirror and you're disgusted, it's not time to jump into a relationship

• 8:12Lewis Howes?

  right away. It's time to work on you. And as you become honest with yourself, you are likely to notice that you have some unresolved trauma and pain from your relationships or your past, which brings us to reason number two, that you need to be single. And reason number two is being single heals the wounds you keep bringing into relationships. And if you don't heal your wounds, you will bleed on people who didn't cut you. I saw this somewhere online and I just thought that was a powerful thing to say. If you don't heal your wounds, you will bleed on people who didn't cut you, who didn't wound you, who didn't hurt you. And they will be the recipient of a past pain that they did not create for

• 8:57Lewis Howes?

  you. And a lot of us aren't looking for love. We're looking for relief. We're looking for a sense of, ah, I've got this feeling of good. I've got this feeling of a chemistry of connection. I got this feeling of a spark of someone new. It's so exciting. It's so interesting and so different. And are they thinking about me? Are they texting me? Are they calling me? Are we gonna go? What's the next adventure we're gonna go on? It's this distraction. I'm not saying it's not cool and fun, but it's distracting you from facing yourself, from facing the pain, from facing the trauma, from facing the hurt that someone did to you or what you did to yourself. We're looking for relief. Relief from abandonment. Relief from rejection.

• 9:42Lewis Howes?

  Relief from not feeling enough. And when those wounds go unhealed, we attract people that trigger the crap out of those wounds. We attract people that just, imagine having a broken arm and you just snapped your arm and it's just dangling and you never healed it. You never set the arm. I actually know that feeling because that happened to my wrist and for about nine months, it was broken while I was playing football. It's extremely painful. And every time I caught a ball, every time someone hit it, it was like shooting a sharp pain. It's like someone took a knife and just jammed it in my wrist and then sliced open my arm and the pain rushed from the top of my head down to my feet. It was so painful.

• 10:27Lewis Howes?

  Imagine doing that, getting into a relationship and attracting someone with a broken arm. And then someone, every time they go on a date with you, they just grab your arm and they just yank it, right? It's like we attract people who are eventually going to trigger your wound. They're gonna poke you in the place that hurts the most. And I used to think that chemistry meant compatibility. But man, was I wrong. It doesn't mean you can't be compatible with chemistry, but if you connect through chemistry right away without understanding if you're compatible and the values and vision, all these different things, it's gonna end up being painful.

• 11:06Lewis Howes?

  And what I was really feeling was a familiar pain when I felt that chemistry in new relationships. Until I started to do the inner work, until I started to face myself spiritually, physically, metaphorically, and still, until I started to do exercises and workshops and therapeutic experiences that allowed me to heal the pain that was inside of me that had been wounded and broken for so long that never mended, until I started to do more journaling and reflection and self-reflection and alone time with myself without distractions so I

• 11:49Lewis Howes?

  could really listen and face myself. Because it's hard to heal if you're always distracting yourself with the next thing that creates chemical feelings inside of your body. You need some space. You need some alone time. You need to be able to create experiences to reflect and think about why, how, who, what, and what you can do to start processing them, to start grieving these losses, to start creating healthy boundaries, to start improving yourself, to start creating new standards. You need that space and time. But if you distract yourself with other people or other problems or social media and you never take

• 12:32Lewis Howes?

  that alone time, it's going to be painful for a long time. And I wasn't, I was afraid to face myself. So I kept repeating the same mistakes over and over again in new relationships, thinking the new person was going to be different, but I was still at the center of all those new relationships. And I just repeated the same patterns, but with a different person. What doing the inner work really taught me was that I needed to fully heal and start loving myself in new ways where I would create boundaries and I wouldn't enter into relationship unless there were values that were aligned, unless there was a shared vision, unless there was a shared growth mindset.

• 13:15Lewis Howes?

  And what changed from my previous relationships where it was more of like, oh, there's a spark or there's a connection or there's some chemical feelings. Let's just jump in because this feels good versus starting to actually do things differently. Slow down, allow for space and time for character behavior to show up and be revealed, rather than creating a chemical bond through chemistry right away.

• 13:45Lewis Howes?

  And the practice of doing that before getting committed with Martha, Martha and I have been together for, I guess it's almost five years. And so people who are watching who've been in, you know, we've been married for a year now. We've been together for almost five years. So I'm assuming people watching saying, well, wait till 10 years comes in. Wait till kids, wait till 20 years happens. And yes, I get it. We are five years in. And so I'm speaking from experience of almost five years together. We now have twin girls that are almost three months old. And you're right, everyone is right that when there is time and then there is kids, there's new challenges that arise.

• 14:27Lewis Howes?

  And it's been an amazing experience, but it doesn't mean there hasn't been challenges. But here's the thing, the biggest thing that has happened from my past is I was prepared for the challenges. And it doesn't mean, then there's going to be potentially more challenges as my kids get older and they develop. There's going to be different challenges. But because I've been on a healing journey and because I partnered with Martha, and I made a commitment with her and saying, hey, we are entering our relationship in therapy, which is kind of unheard of. But I was just like, I'm sick and tired of getting into relationships, creating a chemical bond without having.

• 15:09Lewis Howes?

  A clear vision of our values together and making sure we're in alignment on those values. And so we created a commitment to join therapy together in the beginning. I was doing my own healing journey and I was doing my practices and I felt like I was in a really good place. She was doing her own healing journey and she had her own therapist that she was in a good place with as well. But I said, listen, I don't want to jump into a committed relationship without some type of therapeutic support, just to create clear communication, to make sure we're in alignment on these things, to make sure that we have certain tools to be able to communicate and handle challenges when they happen. Because challenges are going to come in your life. Even if you're with the perfect partner,

• 15:54Lewis Howes?

  even if you're dating someone who is incredible and so loving and kind and generous and they give you the world, there's going to be some challenge that happens in the future. And I just want you to be prepared emotionally, physically, spiritually, to have the tools to do your best when those challenges arise. I have not been my best in every moment in our relationship, neither has Martha, and that's okay. We accept and love each other, knowing that we are trying to give our best, even though we may not be our best in moments where we have lost sleep, there's a lot of challenge, there's something going on, like we have grace with each other and understand. And we also have tools to support one another.

• 16:35Lewis Howes?

  And because we have these shared values, because we made the time commitment to create alignment early on through shared therapy and individual therapy, and because we have alignment of where we're heading in the future, it gives us a lot more opportunities to have love and joy and beauty in our relationship. And again, it doesn't mean there aren't challenging moments, but the goal is not to eliminate challenges, it's to prepare yourself to be able to handle them with as much peace, poise, and confidence that you can, so you can come together stronger after every challenge. And it is worth it.

• 17:16Lewis Howes?

  Is worth it because it was taking me making sure that I was responsible for my triggers so that I wouldn't be triggered in the future. I stopped looking for a partner to be a therapist or to like fulfill some need for me. And I did the work so that I could show up as a partner, not a patient and vice versa. I think I attracted a lot of partners where I was trying to help them as much as I could and help them overcome their fears and coach them up and all these different things because I saw great things inside of them. But a lot of them were unwilling to go that route. They they had limitations that were holding them back. And again, it's almost like getting to a place where you

• 17:57Lewis Howes?

  don't need a relationship. Like there were many times where I just thought to myself, man, Martha is this incredible person. And the only way that I want to be in a relationship, if this is a big win win for both of us, if like we have such great alignment that she is fulfilled and I am fulfilled to be ourselves fully to fully express ourselves within the relationship. And if we can't do that, if she can't be her best self in the relationship, if I can't be my best self in the relationship, then maybe we're not in the right alignment and that's okay. It's not changing myself to try to please her so that she accepts me and she takes me in and she doesn't leave me. What? No. Early

• 18:41Lewis Howes?

  on, I was like, hey, if we're not the right match, like, I want the best for you. And I hope you want the best for me. And if that's us together, great, let's explore this. Let's see what this looks like. Let's see what this could look like without creating all these chemical bonds early on, that make it hard for us to have the challenging courageous conversations and see if we are the right match for each other. And again, I've had many conversations with my friend, Matthew Hussey on this topic.

• 19:09Lewis Howes?

  And I think this moment right here sums up the reason behind these patterns better than I could talk about it myself. So let's watch this.

• 19:19Speaker 01

  You know, there's obviously so much knowledge now on where those things come from and that there are old patterns and how we related to our caregivers or our parents or how they related to us that uh that gets us used to a certain pattern. We get this nervous system imprint that is created at a very early point in life and we spend the rest of our lives replicating that if we're not careful. So the the great kind of challenge, I think, for all of us. And this this is true,

• 19:59Speaker 01

  by the way, of men too, right? How many men relentlessly chase after women who don't seem to want them?

• 20:09Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 20:10Speaker 01

  Who

• 20:11Lewis Howes?

  Reject them.

• 20:12Speaker 01

  Reject them, who treat them like they're disposable.

• 20:15Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 20:15Speaker 01

  How many guys are playing the friend to a woman

• 20:18Lewis Howes?

  Oh, man.

• 20:19Speaker 01

  For years on end, who picks them up and puts them down whenever it suits her, and they're doing it for years on end. This is not just a female pattern. This is a people pattern. Why is it that we respond to people who treat us poorly?

• 20:35Lewis Howes?

  Why do we think we do?

• 20:37Speaker 01

  Because there is something about it that is known to us.

• 20:40Lewis Howes?

  It's familiar.

• 20:42Speaker 01

  It's it's familiar and we don't realize it. We think it's we think we hate it. I hate it. I hate that this person doesn't want me. And if I could just get this person to want me, I'd feel good again. But it what people often find is if that person truly turned around to meet you and gave you everything that you wanted from the beginning.

• 21:02Speaker 01

  It would have felt strange. Hmm. That there's something in this dynamic that is in a weird way, safe to you. Yes. It doesn't make you feel safe, but there's some kind of safety in the familiar and and that's not our fault. We should exercise compassion towards ourselves for that because it's not our fault that these, these really damaging and destructive patterns are things that we chase because they're, it, this was created at a time when we weren't deciding our response systems to things. It was, we were in survival mode and you know, there,

• 21:41Speaker 01

  there's a, um, I spoke to a woman recently, I did a show recently where the host of the show said, I really struggle to have hard conversations with people. Like if I have to have a hard, and a big part of this book is like, I have a whole section on how to have hard conversations. Because by the way, every relationship is shaped, i- i- is, is, is, is made in the crucible of hard conversations, right? Can you have the difficult conversation? Can you say the thing you're afraid to say? And can you express your need without fearing that if you do, something bad will happen? And so many of the times, people end up in

• 22:22Speaker 01

  painful relationships or not even relationships, they end up in painful dynamics or they end up in limbo with someone where it never ends up as a relationship. It's always casual because they're afraid to have the hard conversations. There was this woman that was part, one of the hosts of the show. And it was, and she said to me, I really struggle to have hard conversations. And I don't know why, I just, you know, every time I go to have a hard conversation, it's like I break out in sweats and I panic and I'm, you know, she, she said, it's just, it wasn't the, in my family, like, no one's really ever had hard conversations, she said, and she didn't realize what she was saying as she said it, but she said, you know, and I mean, it's like my dad, for example, if I try to have a hard conversation with him, he just leaves the room.

• 23:07Speaker 01

  Right. And I, and she kept going, but she didn't realize what she had said, which is your entire life, because that wasn't a pattern your dad started yesterday, right? Your dad's most likely been like that since the day you were born. Uh huh. So what you learned is that if you tried to have a hard conversation with your father.

• 23:30Speaker 01

  He would leave the room. He would abandon you. So now you have what therapists call core abandonment wind, right? That's a, this is something that's now with you. And you wonder why with this person that you're on date three with, who shouldn't even be that important to you. Why it feels hard to articulate that, you know, you are disappointed that they showed up half hour late to the date, or that they didn't text you for a week. And then all of a sudden like reached out out of nowhere to say, do you want to do something in one hour? And then you went without expressing that like, hey, we had two great dates and then you were like,

• 24:14Speaker 01

  I didn't hear from you for a week and now you're like, are you ready in an hour? The reason she didn't express that is, and the reason it made us so terrified to express it, un- irrationally terrified is because in her world, it's been perfectly rational. It's not, this is where compassion comes in. Because we're very good at calling ourselves crazy. Like, I feel crazy. Why am I so scared of having this conversation? Or we get called crazy by other people. That's a favorite thing to call people. Ah, she was crazy. Ah, they're crazy. Like, you can't believe what they tried to do or what they said to me. They're not crazy. There's something happened.

• 24:59Speaker 01

  So they experienced something in their world. At a time when it was their reality. It was her reality, growing up.

• 25:10Speaker 01

  That, and I'm, you know, I'm extrapolating here, but like I said, if she's saying that about her dad, almost certainly her dad didn't start doing that last week. Right. He's been doing it her whole life.

• 25:22Speaker 01

  It was real for her that there was a time in her life where if she tried to express a need with her father or tell him something that she wasn't happy with, or something that she'd like him to do more of or less of, or a way that he'd hurt her, he would not be able to have the conversation and he would leave. That, when you're a child, that's, that poses a real threat to you.

• 25:44Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 25:45Speaker 01

  So what she's feeling now is rational for her in her world, based on where she came from. We look at it from the outside and go, I can't believe that she would be so afraid to say this thing. And she's going to end up in a two-year relationship with someone who never meets any of her needs, who doesn't even know what her needs are, who she resents deep down because it's like he never thinks of me.

• 26:10Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 26:11Speaker 01

  But she's terrified to have that conversation because for her, if she has a hard conversation, it means abandonment and abandonment means, on an emotional level, not a logical level, she might not survive.

• 26:22Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 26:23Speaker 01

  And so when someone says, I struggle, I, I find it a turn off when someone is nice. They are articulating a deep, deep pattern that has been there for a long time in their life, that they didn't choose and that they may not even be aware of.

• 26:43Lewis Howes?

  A key takeaway is we get this nervous system imprint that is created at a very early point in life. And we spend the rest of our lives replicating that if we're not careful. So I want you to ask yourself, what patterns keep showing up in my relationships? What am I afraid of that could happen if I were alone? And what part of me is still seeking validation? If you can sit with yourself and answer these questions, then I think you have the wisdom and the knowledge that you can start to heal yourself first, which then allows you to focus on the third reason

• 27:25Lewis Howes?

  that you should not be in a relationship and the third reason that you need to be single. And reason number three, being single builds real confidence, not dependent confidence. And if your confidence comes from being chosen, oh, my friend, it's gonna disappear. The moment you're rejected, it is going to disappear. When you feel like they don't accept you, or they don't like something about you, or they don't want to be with you anymore, you're gonna feel all your confidence leaving your body. And you're gonna feel like the most incompetent person in the world if things don't work out. And there are two types of confidence. One that comes from within, a true sense of knowingness and power,

• 28:10Lewis Howes?

  that you know everything's gonna be okay, no matter what happens. You know, if this relationship doesn't work out, you're gonna be okay. It doesn't mean you might not be sad and hurt and feel a loss and a grief, but if it doesn't work out, you're gonna be okay. You're gonna overcome the challenge, the pain, the stress of it. So there are two types of confidence, one that comes from within and one that comes from attention. And being single forces you to build the first one. And when you learn to regulate your emotions and validate your own worth or meet your own needs, you stop begging for attention and begging for love and please don't leave me. You stop this needy energy and you start choosing it.

• 28:54Lewis Howes?

  You start choosing yourself first, you start choosing your standards. You start living into your values instead of giving up on them to make one person not yell at you, or one person okay with you, or one person happy with you. There were so many times where I would gain confidence in previous relationships because I got into the new relationship and they were into me. And then I lost it. I lost it because they wanted to change me and I had to give in to make them happy. And then when they scream at me, I yell at me, or give me the silent treatment, or whatever it was, it was like, oh, they don't love me for who I am. They need me to be something else to make them happy. And I lacked the courage and the confidence to just say,

• 29:40Lewis Howes?

  hey, this is who I am. What's going on? Why can't we, you know, work this out and I accept you and you accept me? I lacked the courage and therefore I lacked the confidence in those relationships. And I would give in to try to please people that weren't able to accept who I was. And it really affected me. It impacted me emotionally. It impacted me mentally. I would carry this into the day. It would exhaust me in my business. I felt like I was living at like a five or a six out of 10. When I would lose that confidence because um I wasn't choosing myself. I was choosing other people's needs over my own. And it affected every area of my life. I feel like I lost years of my life trying to please other people.

• 30:25Lewis Howes?

  And exhausted me. And it really weighed on me physically, emotionally, mentally. And I don't know how I was able to even create anything in the world with this kind of weight that I was carrying. And it felt completely different when I started to step into my relationship from a place of confidence from within. Because confidence is knowing you'll be okay if they stay and you'll be okay if they leave. Having the confidence internally will change everything.

• 30:59Lewis Howes?

  And it'll change everything for you because of reason number four.

• 31:05Lewis Howes?

  Reason number four is being single raises your standards, not your walls. Because low standards come from a fear of being alone. High standards come from a peace with yourself.

• 31:19Lewis Howes?

  Let me repeat this again. Low standards come from a fear of being alone, but high standards come from a peace with yourself. And most people, when they're single, they don't have inner peace. Most people in relationships, after a couple of years, don't have inner peace either if they're living in stress and chaos in those relationships. Those first three to six months, maybe it feels like peace and bliss, but a lot of you might have felt the feeling of insecurity. What's gonna happen? Are they gonna fully commit to me? What are they doing? What are they doing on the side on their phone? Are they talking to someone else? Are they all in or are they half in? You know, I gotta walk on eggshells to understand and see what's gonna happen. When you're afraid to be single, you settle. You ignore the red flags.

• 32:04Lewis Howes?

  You over explain bad behavior. You stay way too long. That was me, staying way too long. But when you're comfortable alone, you don't need to force connection. You can wait for alignment. You can be patient. You know that you deserve a certain amount of alignment and peace, not bad behavior just because they choose you. Being single taught me this, that loneliness in a relationship is far worse than being alone with purpose. Whoa, the difference between setting standards and attracting versus

• 32:49Lewis Howes?

  just creating chemical connections and jumping into a relationship. When I set a standard, and Martha did this as well, not just saying I'm the only one who did this here, but when I set a standard and I met Martha for the first time and we started seeing each other and connecting and going out and, you know, going to dinners and going on dates, I set a standard early on. I was like, we're not going here sexually until we're committed. We're not doing this until this. I wanted to get to know her and she was also in the same place. So we had a similar standard. And then when we started dating exclusively, I was like, the only way I'll commit to someone again is if

• 33:32Lewis Howes?

  the other person's willing to do therapy in the beginning. And if you're not willing to do therapy in the beginning, then this just may not be the right thing for both of us. And I wish you the best and I want the best for me. And she was on for that standard as well. She was like, I like that standard. Let's live into that standard. Let's create clear communication. Let's create, um, you know, boundaries for one another that are important to us. Let's make sure we're in alignment. Let's talk about our values for the future, what we want to create. And let's really get clear on how to communicate when there's a breakdown in our life. So we communicate from a place of love and acceptance versus chaos and overwhelm. And those agreements, those boundaries, set new standards. Again,

• 34:16Lewis Howes?

  we both attracted each other based on standards rather than chemicals, or rather than thinking the chemicals were compatibility, just because we were going out and having fun. And there's a big difference. Because when you create versus with a chemical connection, it might be explosive. You might have a ton of fun. It might be like, wow, the feelings are so mind blowing and it feels so good. But it doesn't mean it's sustainable for the long run. Maybe, maybe you get lucky and all of a sudden, you just have the exact same values and you have the same standards and you communicate in a similar path. But a lot of times, you don't. And that burns out. And then after all

• 34:57Lewis Howes?

  this feeling, this rush of chemicals leave after three, six, nine, 12 months, and you're faced with a person that you don't know, you say, huh, why are you doing this? Why are you doing that? You don't believe in this? You don't want these things? You do this with money? What about religion? What about kids? And all of a sudden, you're completely different people. If that resonates with you, and if you experienced that in the past, then let me know in the comments below. Just say, yes, that resonates. Because that's something I experienced many different times. It's because I was so committed to, man, the feeling, it feels so good, that they must think the same thing as me. But they must have the same values. They must be in alignment. Because how could it feel this good and them not be? That's a big distinction.

• 35:42Lewis Howes?

  And a few years back, I had Martha on the show. I've had her on multiple times, actually. And she's now my wife. We got married a year ago. And she's the mother to our beautiful twin baby girls. And she shares this powerful thought about finding alignment and knowing yourself perfectly. And I want you to watch it right here.

• 36:04Speaker 02

  So, for example, when I was dating you, everything you were saying and you were being and your action and everything, it was information for me about who you are. Because my intention was not to change you, not to do anything, but just to get to know you. And like I said, people are fascinating, right? And especially when you're in the dating process. I was, you know, I met you and I was like, oh, my God, who's this guy? I want to know who he is, what he is all about. And so, anything you would do, I wouldn't take it personal. And so, I think, and I don't know if you agree, but sometimes the mistake that we do is that we try to accommodate to the other person because we want to be loved, we want to be liked.

• 36:47Speaker 02

  Or we see only the best parts that they have, but we don't see the other parts. Right? And so, then when we do that, we kind of cloud ourselves. We cloud our vision. Because we're not seeing who the entire persona is, the entire personality is of, you know, the person that you're seeing. And, for example, there was, you know, in a different time, I went out with a guy that was great, but he was into ketamine. I don't do any drugs, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do anything. And so, instead of being judgmental, because that's the thing, the mistake we make very quickly, we become judgmental. Instead of being judgmental, I was so curious, who is this person? I want to know.

• 37:32Speaker 02

  And then when he mentioned that, with curiosity, I was like, oh, tell me more. I want to know more. And then, obviously, what happened is I went home that night and I was like, this is not the guy for me. It will be the guy for someone else, for sure, that enjoys that, which is good, but not for me. So, that's why I feel like knowing yourself very well is very important in order for you to then go out in the world and meet other people and... And find whomever it is your best match. So for me, when I met you and you were like, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do any drugs. I was like, yes, you know, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do any drugs. And for me, that's important, you know, and the values.

• 38:16Speaker 02

  The values were very important and you have amazing values and integrity. You know, you have this generosity, you are kind with people. And I think for me, that was very important to see that you're not only saying that you have all these values. Cause we had conversations about values. You're not only saying that, you're being the values that you're saying. And um, and it was really beautiful when I met you to see you be and to see you be you. And so then it was never, after I healed, it was never my intention to ever wanna change anyone. Because if we are honest with each other and our pasts.

• 39:00Speaker 02

  In a way, Louis, I think we were trying to change our ex-partners in some ways, you know? So whether it was like, if it was, let's say, one of the exes, an explosive personality. Here I was, or here you were, hey, read this book, there's this podcast, you know? In a way, you're trying to help them, but at the same time, we're not accepting who they are. And so that's why I feel like accepting the other person is one of the biggest things to create a beautiful relationship. That's why knowing yourself is so important.

• 39:36Lewis Howes?

  It just causes more friction. It doesn't mean the relationship can't work, but I think what we've tried to do is make sure we're in alignment with as much things as possible.

• 39:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:47Lewis Howes?

  And accepting the other person's.

• 39:51Lewis Howes?

  Values, vision and lifestyle and also saying, okay, am I in alignment with it? And maybe sometimes I don't want to do certain things, but I've accepted who you are and I'm okay with certain things. That I do them, right? And vice versa. As opposed to being like, wow, I really don't like these seventeen things that you like doing. Or your values around this thing, or whatever it might be, but I'm gonna give in. Without really truly accepting it. That's when there's more friction, I think. So. I think we've gotten really fortunate in being aligned. But I also think that, you know, we've both spent twenty years in multiple relationships.

• 40:32Lewis Howes?

  Where we, we, we learned and made mistakes and did things where, okay, we've got a lot of wisdom now. And I've told you many times that if I got into like a relationship in my early twenties and got married, there's, I don't think there's any way that I would have been able to make it work. If it, if we got in a relationship where it was out of alignment from the start. Like, we just got married because I was like, oh, I love you and this is amazing and we're having this chemistry. And I got married without getting clear on are we aligned on our values, our vision, our lifestyle? And all these other things. I don't know if I would have had the skills or the willpower or the emotional intelligence to navigate a healthy marriage. I just don't think I could have done it. And I'm not saying I'm making an excuse. I just don't think I was capable of that.

• 41:15Lewis Howes?

  And it's probably why I was so afraid of commitment in my twenties. Because I was like, ah, I don't want to mess this up. But I think a lot of people jump into commitment and then into marriage without a hundred percent honesty and authenticity around who they are, what they want now and what they're planning and intending for the future. So what is a question that women can ask men? Or the specific questions they can ask? To where they can get more information out of them to see if it's a right alignment or match?

• 41:52Speaker 02

  I think, oof, it's so important.

• 41:54Lewis Howes?

  And obviously you gotta listen, obviously you gotta listen to the person to have discernment. When you're listening, because a lot of guys could skirt around it or be a little inauthentic or, you know, potentially lie to not tell you the wrong thing and make sure they don't hurt you. So how do you have the intuition also to hear and feel this is authentic?

• 42:13Speaker 02

  Yeah. I think, I think the, one of the things that is. The thing that I used to do when I was in my twenties is that when you are on the first few dates, you usually talk a lot about yourself. You want the other person to fall in love with you. So you share, share, share, share, share so much information. And because you want to be liked. I'd say now, I would say, get as much information as you can from the other person. It's amazing to meet someone new and it's amazing to get to know their stories. And in the way they tell you their stories and how they tell you their stories, you're gonna find information. So for example, it's not the same when you meet a guy who has cheated in the past,

• 42:57Speaker 02

  who tells you that he cheated because the woman was crazy. If a guy tells you he cheated because the woman was crazy, that's a guy that has not healed. He has not taken responsibility of his own actions. But if he tells you, listen, this is what happened. There's two sides of the story. This is her story, this is my story, and this is what happened. Then, and what do you learn? Like asking questions like this, so what do you learn? Or not even asking that question, just wait to see if he tells you what did he learn or she learned. Well, I learned that I was out of integrity and that's the worst thing I can do to myself. Because then I lose self-love. I learned that I hurt another human being, that I betrayed someone else. And in that process, I also betrayed myself.

• 43:42Speaker 02

  Oh, that's a person that has learned the lesson. So pay attention in not only the story, but how they tell you the story. Like, I think that's a very important one. And, um,

• 43:56Speaker 02

  and listen to them and believe them. Again, it's this thing, like believe what they're saying.

• 44:02Lewis Howes?

  So I love this thought from Martha. And one of the big things she talks about was how we both tried to change our past partners and how our past partners tried to change us. But alignment comes when you know yourself and what you need in a relationship.

• 44:18Lewis Howes?

  And that's essentially what I did with Martha. Early on, I was like, I know who I am. I know where I'm going to be in the next 10 years, or at least I have a pretty clear idea of where I'm heading. And this is who I am, and this is what I'm going to need from a partner. And I wanted to know who she was, all of her personality quirks and behaviors and everything else. And I said, what is it you're going to need? Or what is it the least you think you're going to need? You know, there's going to be things that happen, but here's what I need, what do you need? And can you fully accept me knowing who I am? The type of lifestyle I have? The type of vision I have? The type of, you know, I travel, I run the business,

• 45:01Lewis Howes?

  I'm training for the Olympic dream, I'm doing all these different things. Can you accept that about me and fully support me and fully say, go for this?

• 45:11Lewis Howes?

  Or when things change, are you going to say you need to come back and do this and pull me back? Same with her, I know she's an actress, she's a writer, she's a producer, she's a director, she's got podcasts, she's got business, she's got all these things. Can I fully support her vision and her dreams of being a mother? And also doing these other things as well? And I said, yes. And now, almost five years later, I guess it's in June when we first met, June something we first met, we got married about a year ago.

• 45:40Lewis Howes?

  It's worked out so far. And now I ask you, how do you raise your standards? How do you reflect so you can raise your standards? And I want you to write down your non-negotiables. I want you to write down the non-negotiables for your values, for your character, and for the vision of your life. And this doesn't mean everything has to 100% match in the partner, but it does need to align. And an exercise I did with Martha early on was I took her on a trip to kind of like get away from the city. And we went in nature and I created a guided meditation for us.

• 46:23Lewis Howes?

  And I had her process first the vision for her life. And I said, I want you to imagine your future life. And whether it's with me or without me, what is it you exactly want? If we could go into the future? And I want you to think about your career. I want you to think about family, children, religion, extended family, school, money, activities, travel. I want you to think about all of it. What is it that you want to create for the vision of your life in a long-term committed relationship? And I want you to write down all of your values. Everything you value in life, write them down.

• 47:05Lewis Howes?

  And I guided her through a visualization process of meditation in nature. It's a beautiful experience. And then I did the same experience right afterwards. And we did it separately. And then we looked at our journals and we explored each of our values. I didn't see hers first before I did mine. Now we did them separately and then we joined and showed them together. And this was a beautiful thing because about 80% of our values were shared. And there were other things that we had. And it wouldn't necessarily be the thing that I was like most cared about for my life, but I also didn't say that's a non-negotiable I can't do. Right? So I was like, okay, cool. If that's something you value, cool. I'm in alignment with it as long as these are the core things we're going to be focusing on.

• 47:52Lewis Howes?

  And we talked about our values. We got to know our character before chemical connection. And we shared about our vision for life. And I was just so clear. I was like, this is where I'm going to be doing for the next 10 years. This is my time to drive. And maybe this changes in the future, but don't expect me to change. Expect me to grow. Expect me to elevate. Expect me to continue to expand, but don't expect me to change from what I have from a vision of my life right now. If I want to change on my own because it comes to me differently or that chapter closes, cool, I'm going to change on my own. But don't change me to fit and make you happy. And that was a big thing. I never had that before with any partner that I was with.

• 48:37Lewis Howes?

  And I told her, I'm not going to change you from your vision. And there are certain things that I need to get on board with and be excited about that fits your vision. I get that and I will be on board with those things. And That created a powerful alignment. And again, it doesn't mean everything's perfect and there's still challenges we need to overcome. But it allows us to have a framework. It allows us to have an understanding, a trust, a respect, that we have tools that we can work on when there are challenges and we can come together and appreciate each other. And I want you to be honest with yourself about what you truly want the next time you want to be with someone. Are you looking to be with someone because you've been single for a while and you just want to feel good?

• 49:23Lewis Howes?

  But you're not really sure, you know, what you want long term? That may not be the right time to get in a relationship and I know it's hard. Trust me, I have been single many times and you just want to feel good. You want to be around someone that likes you and that, you know, gives you affection and just like, you have that fun time with. I get it. And you can have fun and meet people, but I'm telling you, don't get committed to someone if you're going to lower your standards. If you're going to avoid discomfort, raise yourself to meet them. Raise yourself to meet them. And if you don't do that, it brings us to the final reason, which is the most important reason, to be single.

• 50:05Lewis Howes?

  Reason number five, being single prepares you for healthy, lasting love. And the goal isn't to find someone. The goal is to be ready for the right one. Healthy love is not two people trying to fill each other's emptiness. It's not what it's about. It's not about trying to fill each other's emptiness. It's two people choosing to build together consciously. Your single season teaches you emotional responsibility. It teaches you self-awareness. It teaches you how to love without losing your identity. And my marriage works not because we complete each other. You know, it's not because like I'm 50% and she's my other 50% and our two halves make a whole like,

• 50:49Lewis Howes?

  no, it's because we come to the table, open to growth, open to self-healing, open to becoming better versions of ourselves every day. So I don't want you to rush this single season. I get it. It's fun to be in love. It's fun to connect with someone else. It's, it's fun to feel loved and go on adventures. I get it. And it doesn't mean you can't go out on dates and meet people. Sure. But don't rush the single season of needing to get into a committed relationship with the first person that shows you affection or some type of chemical spark because you think this is going to be the only person that loves you. Don't rush the single season. Use it. Honor it. Let it shape you.

• 51:32Lewis Howes?

  The love you want later is being built by the work you do on yourself right now. Being single is not a failure. It's a foundation and it's extremely important. It's where you find yourself. It's where you have the space and the time to heal your past and start integrating those lessons. It's where you build your confidence. It's where you set new standards and it's where you prepare for real love. So don't skip the single season that makes the next one sustainable. And if this message resonated with you, then share a comment below. I'm building me.

• 52:14Lewis Howes?

  Because I want this to be the time that you are building the greatest version of yourself, using this space, using this single season time to build a greater you, a you that you've never had before, because you've been stuck in past patterns that have kept repeating themselves to be in relationships that don't serve your greatest version of you. I'm building me. That's what this time is about. It's a beautiful time. It's a time when you meet someone, you can say, I want the best for you and I want the best for me. And if that means we're going to explore the next steps together, great. And if it means that, oh, we don't see eye to eye on things, we can still have some chemical feelings and it not mean we have to get together. That's okay also.

• 52:58Lewis Howes?

  You don't have to jump just because you feel a spark. Because a spark might learn into a fire that burns everything down. You want to have a spark that is a sustainable flame, a flame that doesn't catch you on fire or the other person. It wants to be a flame that warms you both, not burns you both. I'm building me. That's what this season is about. And remember, the best relationships are created by people who learned how to stand strong on their own first, who learned how to heal their own wounds, who learned how to forgive and not hold on to resentment from past relationships and not carry that resentment into the next relationship.

• 53:42Lewis Howes?

  Because you deserve to have conscious love. You deserve to have a love that is not perfect, but is perfect for you because it aligns to your values, your vision, your lifestyle, and it's a mirror improving you throughout your life. And it doesn't mean you're not going to have challenges with a conscious partner, but it does mean you're going to have the tools to communicate, to overcome those challenges together. And as a reminder, always, I want to remember and remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And I can't wait to see you in the next episode. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness.

• 54:24Lewis Howes?

  Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you, if no one has told you lately, that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.