Why You Keep Choosing the Wrong Person (And How to Finally Stop) | Faith Jenkins

Most people learn how to love the hard way. What if you didn't have to? Faith Jenkins is a TV judge who has presided over more divorce cases than most people will ever witness in a lifetime. She has also been through roughly 10 serious relationships of her own, waited until 42 to marry, and did both pre-engagement and premarital counseling before saying yes. She knows this terrain from every angle. What she learned will shift the way you think about every relationship you are in or hoping to find. The true measure of someone is not who they are when things are going great. It is who they are under pressure. Pain is inevitable, she says. Suffering is optional. You cannot be cynical about love and expect to attract it at the same time. That single idea might change everything. Somewhere between the heartbreak and the closed doors is the version of you who is finally ready, and that is the person your partner actually gets to meet. Faith married the right person six months after writing down that she would. She did not fight the breakup that made space for him. She radically accepted it, let it go, and stepped into the biggest open door of her life. Faith’s book: Sis, Don't Settle: How to Stay Smart in Matters of the Heart Faith’s website Faith on YouTube Faith on Instagram In this episode you will: Understand why emotional maturity, not chemistry, is what separates a healthy ending from a destructive one Learn Faith's practice of radical acceptance and how separating your feelings from the facts protects your peace through breakups Discover why doing pre-engagement counseling before getting engaged gives you real clarity on alignment before pressure sets in Recognize the hidden reasons so many people settle, from fear of loneliness to past experiences that erode self-worth Apply Faith's approach to staying open to love after betrayal, and how reframing your past protects your future partner from paying for it For more information go to https://lewishowes.com/1931 For more Greatness text PODCAST to +1 (614) 350-3960 Follow The Daily Motivation for essential highlights from The School of Greatness More SOG episodes we think you’ll love: Lewis Howes Solo [Find The PERFECT Relationship] Esther Perel Matthew Hussey TOPICS Faith Jenkins, Sis Don't Settle, emotional maturity, radical acceptance, red flags in relationships, divorce and marriage lessons, love languages, pre-engagement counseling, heartbreak recovery, choosing love consciously Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Lewis Howes?

  I'm curious, what has witnessing so many divorces taught you about love, relationships, and marriage?

• 0:13Faith Jenkins?

  Well, I would say, first of all, I waited until the right time.

• 0:16Lewis Howes?

  The right time.

• 0:17Faith Jenkins?

  For me to get married. For other people, they may have perhaps thought it was a long time. They may have perhaps thought it was too long, because I would get a lot of those questions about why aren't you married? In my twenties?

• 0:31Lewis Howes?

  In your thirties?

• 0:32Faith Jenkins?

  In my thirties. So I got married, I was 42 years old. So I was recently married, two years ago. So I had to deal with that, but I always said, you know what? When it's the right time, if it's something that I really want, the timing will be perfect. Everything comes to me in the right time, space, and sequence.

• 0:51Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 0:52Faith Jenkins?

  So what has witnessing divorce taught me? Well, my parents got divorced when I was 13 years old. And I saw the early stages of their love, growing up as a child, and I saw their decision to go their separate ways. So that was my first insight into what divorce was like, and it was difficult, and it was painful. And as a child, when you love your parents, you want to see things work out, but I also knew at that age that it was the right thing for them to do at the time.

• 1:30Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:31Faith Jenkins?

  And now, when I have these cases before me, and people are going their separate ways and growing apart, I pull from that experience even, as a child. I pull from my experience working in family court in New York very early on in my career, and then working on TV and seeing the cases, and you know, we've seen some crazy ones, and try to give the best advice that I can, which is, it's easy to treat people right. When you like them. And when things are going great. But you really wanna know the true character of a person, the true measure of a person is how you treat them. When things aren't going well.

• 2:13Lewis Howes?

  Amen.

• 2:13Faith Jenkins?

  When things are going bad. That's the true measure.

• 2:16Lewis Howes?

  I always say you'd learn a lot about someone after you go through a breakup. That's who they really are, how they treat you, or how they talk about you in a good way, a negative way. You learn a lot about the character of someone based on a breakup.

• 2:28Faith Jenkins?

  Yep. If you, if I were to give you an orange right now and you were to squeeze that orange, what would come out of it?

• 2:33Lewis Howes?

  Juice.

• 2:34Faith Jenkins?

  Orange juice. So, uh, and, and no matter what circumstances, I could put that orange out in the sun and give it to you. I could put it out in the cold and give it to you and you could squeeze it repeatedly, only one thing would come out of it. There'll be orange juice. So even when you're going through difficult circumstances and the adversity of life. You're going through stress, someone makes you angry, if anger comes out of you. If bitterness comes out of you, if resentment comes out of you, that's what's inside of you.

• 3:04Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 3:05Faith Jenkins?

  I use this analogy of an orange and I say, you know, why are these things? Why is this hatred coming out of you? Why is this spite coming out of you? Why do you want to cause this person pain? Right now, just because you're walking away from a relationship. Sometimes you have to walk away. One of the toughest things about life you have to learn is sometimes you're gonna walk away from people that you love. You're gonna do it to protect your peace.

• 3:27Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 3:27Faith Jenkins?

  You're gonna do it to protect the peace of your environment, protect your home, whatever those reasons are. Sometimes it happens, it doesn't mean you have to try to destroy the other person in the process.

• 3:35Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely. Why do you think people try to destroy or cause so much pain on their ex-partners? When they go through a breakup or divorce? Is it because they feel pain and so they want the other person to feel it? Have you seen cases of people that don't do that? That actually are like, you know what, I'm sad, I'm hurt, this, this is not fun. This is, you know, maybe horrible to, to, to lose this relationship and go through this experience, but I'm gonna leave this in a loving way?

• 4:00Faith Jenkins?

  Yes. Yes, I have, I've seen both.

• 4:03Lewis Howes?

  What's, what's the difference between those two types of people? The loving ending and the, the anger ending? Why? What, what do they, how do they develop that inside of them under all the stress and pain?

• 4:15Faith Jenkins?

  It's an emotional maturity.

• 4:16Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 4:17Faith Jenkins?

  That you, that you have to have. And, uh, some people have it, they've developed it over time. I will tell you, when I started going through breakups at twenty-one and twenty-two years old. I did some crazy things.

• 4:30Lewis Howes?

  You did.

• 4:31Faith Jenkins?

  You know, I, I remember I, I talked about this in the book. I went to my boyfriend's apartment in Manhattan and I became CSI.

• 4:38Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 4:38Faith Jenkins?

  In that moment.

• 4:39Lewis Howes?

  Investigating.

• 4:39Faith Jenkins?

  I was investigating because I knew something was up.

• 4:42Lewis Howes?

  Checking drawers and under beds and looking in the trash and looking for everything.

• 4:46Faith Jenkins?

  I was an attorney and I watched enough Law and Order to know how these things work.

• 4:49Lewis Howes?

  Was there a hair somewhere?

• 4:52Faith Jenkins?

  So, you know, I had some moments that I wasn't proud of. I wasn't mature.

• 4:56Lewis Howes?

  You got the, the black light, you're looking on the.

• 4:59Faith Jenkins?

  Had my own lab set up in the back. But, um.

• 5:02Lewis Howes?

  When did you feel like, how many relationships did you have from your twenties, uh, from twenty until you got married, let's say? How many relationships? How many long-term relationships? Not just like dating for a few weeks or a month, but a committed longer-term relationship?

• 5:17Faith Jenkins?

  I mean, just off the cuff right now, I would say I was probably in ten.

• 5:21Lewis Howes?

  Ten?

• 5:21Faith Jenkins?

  At least.

• 5:21Lewis Howes?

  In, in like twenty-two years, in twenty years?

• 5:24Faith Jenkins?

  Probably fifteen, twenty years. I would say at least ten.

• 5:27Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, okay. When did you get to a point in your emotional maturity where you went through a breakup and you realized, oh, I don't need to do what I did when I was twenty-one?

• 5:38Faith Jenkins?

  When I realized that pain in life is inevitable. You're going to go through painful experiences, but suffering is optional. And I was causing myself all of this additional stress and suffering over the end of a relationship. And I started asking myself, well, if you, if you really believe that the best is yet to come in life, when a relationship ends, why would you be that upset about it?

• 6:09Lewis Howes?

  Should be happy.

• 6:10Faith Jenkins?

  Why would you be, you would have some level of peace. I wasn't at the point where, you know, I, that takes a lot of enlightenment to be just happy when a relationship ends and most people aren't there. But you can at least be at a point in your life where you can project and say, okay, I can separate my feelings from the facts. My feelings are hurt and it's okay for me to feel this hurt. I'm human. But the fact is, this is happening for a reason. And I'm gonna get out in front of this now and I'm going to embrace the reason. Even if I don't see it now, I know that eventually I will learn that there's a reason that this is happening in my life. And you accept it, radical acceptance.

• 6:55Faith Jenkins?

  That's when we talk about the emotional maturity, when you can radically accept that this ending is happening for a reason. And believe, even if you don't see it, that something better is coming along the way. And when you believe that, and when you accept that, then you won't feel like you need to go and look through your boyfriend's apartment because you wanna find out the missing clue and what's really going on, for sure. You can let it go in peace, in knowing, I don't need to know the why all the time. I don't need to know the why, this is happening, and I can radically accept that this is happening.

• 7:30Lewis Howes?

  Wow. Was there a point when you started to learn and see red flags clearer and realize, okay, like, this isn't gonna work, so I'm gonna remove myself from the situation? As opposed to maybe in your twenties where you're like, well, I'm gonna have one eye open and just like keep working to make it work, even though these red flags are happening? Was there a moment where this kind of like, alright, I see the red flag so clear now? And I'm not gonna keep investing time and energy, so hopefully it changes?

• 8:00Faith Jenkins?

  When I got to know myself better. Because I got to know, when I got to know me better, I got to know what I wanted. And what I didn't want. And what I was willing to compromise on, and what I wasn't willing to compromise on. Because before, I didn't know the flags were red.

• 8:17Lewis Howes?

  Hmm, what were they?

• 8:18Faith Jenkins?

  I just thought, this is life. So I'm seeing, I'm seeing these things happen. Um, or the flag will be red, but I would wanna know, well, how red is the red flag?

• 8:28Lewis Howes?

  Can I manage the red flag?

• 8:30Faith Jenkins?

  Can I manage it? Can I deal with it? But as I got older and more mature, and I started having these relationships, I started realizing. And that's what, that's why it's so important to get to know yourself in your twenties. I say that's the, you know, when you're in your twenties, what a great time to get to know you. And who you are and what you want and what you like and what you dislike. Because then, when you can see with clearer eyes. You have a better vision for yourself and what your li- in your life and what will better fit you in your life.

• 9:00Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 9:01Faith Jenkins?

  So, just growing and going through those experiences. I started accepting and realizing the things that would and would not work for me. And when I came across people who, when I realized, okay, this is not something that I want. Just being able to pivot.

• 9:16Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 9:17Faith Jenkins?

  And say, you know what, that's not what I want. I need to go in another direction.

• 9:20Lewis Howes?

  Right. It's interesting because I was watching a TED Talk recently. Of a relationship therapist. Um, I think it was a marriage therapist out of Australia. And he was mentioning, you know, the statistics, fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. And if you want to decrease that statistic, wait longer to get married.

• 9:42Faith Jenkins?

  Mm.

• 9:43Lewis Howes?

  He was like, wait as long as you can to get married because the older you get, the more you know yourself. You don't settle, right? You don't settle for something. You don't just jump in something because of the pressure. You really make a more conscious decision. I'm not saying if you're young, you can't get married and have a great relationship and, and, and thrive in the long term, but. He was like divorce rates go down significantly if you wait. Until you're older to get married. So you waited till you were forty-two. Um, I'm, I'll be thirty-nine in a couple of months. I've, I've been married. And I, and I reflect back in this conversation thinking if I would have gotten married to any of the previous relationships, I would have a hundred percent been divorced. There's no way they would have worked. No way.

• 10:23Faith Jenkins?

  Yeah.

• 10:23Lewis Howes?

  And yet sometimes we feel the pressure that like, okay, well, I don't like this, this and this, or it's not exactly what I want, but I'm gonna move forward anyways. Because I've invested time or energy or because I like their family or whatever it is. What do you think was the biggest lesson you learned in all these different relationships about yourself?

• 10:40Faith Jenkins?

  I don't think that age, um, is the, you know, end all be all.

• 10:44Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 10:46Faith Jenkins?

  Yardstick for success.

• 10:48Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 10:49Faith Jenkins?

  In in marriage, I really do think it's uh it's it's a number of things, including knowing yourself and just growing and becoming a better version of yourself and bringing a healthy version of yourself into a relationship because we don't attract healthy relationships, we create them.

• 11:06Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 11:06Faith Jenkins?

  By being healthy and then hopefully attracting someone else who's also working on themselves and being bringing their best version of themselves to the relationship. For me, I learned who I was.

• 11:19Lewis Howes?

  Gotcha.

• 11:19Faith Jenkins?

  As a person. And then also what I want, some of the core values that I wanted. In my partner.

• 11:30Lewis Howes?

  Did you think about values before then?

• 11:32Faith Jenkins?

  I did, but you know, I think that uh my values changed over time. As I as I live life. You're going to come across a lot of people you find physically attractive. But um that factor may be the initial attraction factor that gets you to talk to somebody or have an initial conversation with them. But really, everything after that, as you dig deeper into who a person is, those are the things that will speak to a relationship's success and longevity. If you want to do something well and you want to be great at something, you're going to prepare for it.

• 12:18Faith Jenkins?

  Uh your relationships should be no different.

• 12:20Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 12:21Faith Jenkins?

  So while I was single, I had to ask myself, what am I doing to prepare myself if I want to be in a relationship? Because how I live my life as a single person is going to reflect when I do get into a relationship. So do I know how to communicate effectively? Because if I don't, it's going to show up in my relationships. Do I know how to manage conflict well? Because if I don't, it's going to show up in my relationships. Do I know how to set boundaries? If I don't, I may choose somebody who I may become codependent on. It's going to reflect in who I choose to associate myself with. So I started preparing myself.

• 13:00Faith Jenkins?

  For being in the type of relationship that I really wanted to be in, becoming the right person. Because hopefully, I would have a, be able to make better choices.

• 13:13Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 13:14Faith Jenkins?

  Because then I know who would be a great match.

• 13:17Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 13:17Faith Jenkins?

  For the person that I'm becoming.

• 13:19Lewis Howes?

  What was the biggest challenge you had to overcome? Was it conflict resolution, was it boundaries, was it not abandoning yourself, was it communication skills? What was the?

• 13:27Faith Jenkins?

  Fear.

• 13:28Lewis Howes?

  Fear of what?

• 13:29Faith Jenkins?

  Fear of failure.

• 13:31Lewis Howes?

  Like a relationship not working?

• 13:32Faith Jenkins?

  Relationship not working. When you have been through, as you date and you go through relationships, and you've been through betrayal, and heartbreak, and hurt and pain, you be, you can become pretty cynical.

• 13:49Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 13:50Faith Jenkins?

  About love. And if you're not careful, that cynicism can really be a hindrance for you. Because you cannot be a cynic about love and expect to attract it at the same time.

• 14:03Lewis Howes?

  Ooh, snap. That's true.

• 14:06Faith Jenkins?

  Yeah.

• 14:06Lewis Howes?

  So how did you keep your heart open after going through breakups? And maybe after, you know, challenging things happening in relationships where that hurt you? How did you stay open to love?

• 14:18Faith Jenkins?

  I had to reframe my thoughts and ideas and my perspective about the past.

• 14:27Lewis Howes?

  What did you think about them then?

• 14:28Faith Jenkins?

  I had to learn to allow the past to stay in the past. I didn't want someone to come into my life and I make them pay for something they had nothing to do with.

• 14:39Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, that's tough.

• 14:41Faith Jenkins?

  In my past.

• 14:41Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, that's tough.

• 14:42Faith Jenkins?

  And when I got married, who did I want my husband to meet? This bitter, broken down woman who had been through the wringer in all these years and all these relationships? Or did I want him to meet someone who, because we're all, we're always in the process of healing. We're always in the process of growth and our emotional health.

• 15:04Faith Jenkins?

  But did I want him to meet someone who was committed to that growth?

• 15:08Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 15:08Faith Jenkins?

  And that process. And going forward, being committed to the same commitment, which is, which is what really success in marriage boils down to. Being committed to the same commitment. Because, you know, when I was younger, I thought it was about this involuntary feeling of love. And then as I got older, I realized it was a conscious decision to love.

• 15:32Lewis Howes?

  Hmm. It's not just, oh, I have this attraction to this person, I feel love towards them. It's a conscious decision.

• 15:39Faith Jenkins?

  Because you're not always gonna feel love. You're gonna go through ups and downs and peaks and valleys. And if it were about a feeling, you'd be all over the place emotionally.

• 15:48Lewis Howes?

  Up and down, yeah.

• 15:49Faith Jenkins?

  It's about a decision.

• 15:50Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 15:51Faith Jenkins?

  And so when I talk about earlier, when I talked about separating your feelings from the facts, that's what I mean. Like, you're, you're gonna have a range of emotions, but the fact is, this is a person that I've committed my life to.

• 16:05Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 16:05Faith Jenkins?

  This is a person I've committed to grow with. This is, so I made all of these commitments to this person. And then you go forward with that in mind.

• 16:13Lewis Howes?

  Did you have fears around getting married?

• 16:17Faith Jenkins?

  I had a fear of the unknown.

• 16:18Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 16:19Faith Jenkins?

  What is marriage really like? You know, I see other people who are married, some of them happy, some of them not. Obviously, I see a lot of people getting divorced. So what is it about marriage? What makes it work? Do I know what makes it work? Do I have what it takes to make it work? So it was, it was the fear of the unknown, because I hadn't done it before. Marriage by nature changes you. It's the closest relationship you'll ever have. It's very different from the parent-child relationship, every other relationship.

• 16:52Lewis Howes?

  Friends, everything, yeah.

• 16:53Faith Jenkins?

  I wondered how it would change me.

• 16:55Lewis Howes?

  From being in a relationship and dating to then being married, what have been the biggest differences and changes?

• 17:02Faith Jenkins?

  Allowing someone to see me at my most vulnerable state.

• 17:05Lewis Howes?

  Ooh. Did you allow that during the dating process?

• 17:08Faith Jenkins?

  I allowed it to a certain extent, but I didn't, I didn't live with my husband before we got married. That was a choice that we made.

• 17:16Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 17:16Faith Jenkins?

  We did not want to live together. And so when we got married and we moved in together, I had not lived with anyone since I was in college for twenty years.

• 17:25Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 17:26Faith Jenkins?

  So. Again, it's that adjustment in life, just sharing my space with another human being every day.

• 17:34Lewis Howes?

  You got married. Yeah, and you got married a week before the pandemic in 2020.

• 17:39Faith Jenkins?

  Yes.

• 17:39Lewis Howes?

  March 8th, 2020, you said. So what was that, I mean, that takes a lot of guts to not live with someone beforehand in the modern world to fully see the person who they are. So I commend you on that. So did you, what did you learn going through a pandemic for the last two years? Getting married a week before and then moving in together and sharing a life during, you know, arguably one of the scariest uncertain times in the last 20, 30 years.

• 18:09Faith Jenkins?

  Everything changed in the blink of an eye. We got married on March 8th in Los Angeles. Big wedding, all of our family, all of our friends, hugging, high fiving, kissing. Had no idea what was about to happen a week later. And I do look back on that day because I thought, you know, when we were talking about our wedding, do we want to do something small? Do we want to, and you know, we ended up just inviting our people. And everyone came out. And now I look back on that day and I cherish it so much.

• 18:40Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, because people have now do that for a couple of years.

• 18:42Faith Jenkins?

  Right. And I haven't seen a lot of those people since. So it just made those memories even more special to us. But also, yes, a week later, the world shut down. So we decided to take a mini moon. We weren't, we were going to do a big honeymoon over the summer. So we just went to Newport Beach. And we were there for a few days and we were in a bubble. We didn't know a lot about everything that was happening in the world until we, we came out of this bubble. So we came back to LA and I mean, there was no toilet tissue on the shelves, the grocery store. I mean, it was just empty. Everything was empty. I'd never seen anything like it before. And I was like, so you mean to tell me I waited all this time to get married? And the world is about to end.

• 19:27Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 19:28Faith Jenkins?

  It was, it was crazy.

• 19:30Lewis Howes?

  So what, what did you guys create? Did you guys come together and say, let's build a strong foundation during this time?

• 19:37Faith Jenkins?

  Yes.

• 19:38Lewis Howes?

  Did you, do you feel like it's made the relationship stronger?

• 19:41Faith Jenkins?

  Absolutely.

• 19:42Lewis Howes?

  Has it been a stressful move, living with someone for the first time in 20 years? How have you navigated all?

• 19:47Faith Jenkins?

  Uh, we adapted really well and during that time, we had every day and all that time to spend time together. And the, the pandemic, you know, it challenged all of us in different ways, but it also presented us with an opportunity. And for us, it was noise cancellation headphones through the first few months of our marriage. Because we got to really sit and be together and be still and be quiet. You know, my husband is an R and B singer. He travels all over the world and he had, he was leaving a week after we got married to start traveling again.

• 20:22Lewis Howes?

  Not anymore.

• 20:23Faith Jenkins?

  That, that didn't happen. And so we got to spend a lot of quality time together and I will tell you what I learned about him.

• 20:29Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 20:32Faith Jenkins?

  What I talked about earlier, about when you see, uh, the, the true measure of a person and how they handle adversity and how they handle difficult circumstances. And, uh, cause all of his, you know, live music was impacted greatly.

• 20:46Lewis Howes?

  That's how you make most of your money, yeah.

• 20:49Faith Jenkins?

  And I never heard him complain, not even once. And I saw him be a source of encouragement

• 20:55Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 20:56Faith Jenkins?

  to a lot of other of his artists and musician friends. And I mean, I was even shocked. I was like, okay, we're, we're, we're all about positivity and, and you know, wake up happy every day, but really? You really wake up as happy every day?

• 21:10Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 21:11Faith Jenkins?

  And, uh, it was inspiring to see.

• 21:14Lewis Howes?

  Uh huh.

• 21:15Faith Jenkins?

  And I knew in those first few months that, because you always, you know, you, every, love is about taking a risk.

• 21:22Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 21:23Faith Jenkins?

  You know, we talk about that fear because we're, it's a risk. There's a fear of being hurt again. There's a fear of those triggers being exposed again. And in that moment, I, I knew and I believed that I had made a right decision. But in those months after the, the pandemic, I saw it for myself very early on in my marriage, who my husband was in, uh, in. Stressful times and difficult circumstances. And how he was a source of inspiration and strength for a lot of people, including me.

• 21:54Lewis Howes?

  Hmm, so were you, was each day kind of a confirmation that this was a great decision?

• 21:59Faith Jenkins?

  Yes.

• 22:00Lewis Howes?

  I leaned into this and.

• 22:01Faith Jenkins?

  Yes.

• 22:02Lewis Howes?

  That's beautiful.

• 22:02Faith Jenkins?

  Yes, it's been, it's been two years of just this amazing time in my life. Because I used to get asked a lot why I was still single for so long. And I started to feel pressure from people. I never put the pressure on myself and I know a lot of people perhaps do. But if you're not careful when you're single and people are asking you, well, I don't understand. Why aren't you married or what's going on? You can start to internalize it and feel that there's something wrong with you. Or that there, there's something off within you. And it can almost be something that you become embarrassed by. Because people are asking you as if you've missed some mark in your life, some milestone

• 22:46Faith Jenkins?

  that you um should have achieved by now. Not asking me if it was a desire of mine, by the way, if I wanted to, but just asking me, why wasn't I? And um.

• 22:57Lewis Howes?

  Why do you think people care so much about other people being in a relationship or being single?

• 23:01Faith Jenkins?

  Well, the question I think speaks more to the, who they are than it ever did to who I was. Because I was okay. You know, I, there were lessons that I had to learn to get to the place where I could go into a successful marriage. I needed to learn those lessons. There are almost eight billion people on this planet. We can't all be doing the same things at the same time and we're not supposed to be. We're all supposed to be living our individual life paths and our individual life journeys. There are some people who don't think that. They think you need to be married by a certain age, you need to have children by a certain age, or you're not living your, the, the right path. It's just not true.

• 23:42Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 23:42Faith Jenkins?

  This is not a race. Why is it not a race? Because we're not all running in the same direction. So I learned very early on, and I think living in New York actually helped with that because I was around so many other young professionals who were, you know, at the top of their games and their careers and we were, you know, Saturday night, we're here, Wednesday night, we're at a show and the live music and everything and just embracing our, our full lives and accepting that being single was not a rest stop for me. Until I met my husband and really got to live. Well, if I had done that, I wouldn't have lived until I was forty-two years old. So what would I have done with all those years in my twenties and thirties?

• 24:21Faith Jenkins?

  So it wasn't a rest stop and I embraced that, that time of, and just did so many, I traveled across, all around the world by myself, solo. Went to all the restaurants that I wanted to go to, Washington Sex and the City, sometimes I would go by myself. You know, I had this vibrant group of friends. I was not waiting to live my life and I, I think that people, they project their own view of what they think life should be onto you. And so it's, it's our job as individuals to again, reframe our perspective and mindset and make a decision for ourselves that we're gonna live our own life path. And embrace that life path.

• 25:01Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 25:02Faith Jenkins?

  And be happy in that life path.

• 25:05Lewis Howes?

  What about the, you know, a lot of people talk about the, the big red flags, like, okay, he's, he or she is cheating, lying, um, out of integrity, uh, whatever, in another relationship on the side, like these big red flags. What about the subtle red flags that you, maybe you saw over time, but you didn't take action on and you realized, oh, that was actually a much bigger flag than, but it was, it was subtle, like, I let it kind of slip. What are those subtle red flags that people should be looking out for?

• 25:36Faith Jenkins?

  If you tell me you're a vegan.

• 25:38Lewis Howes?

  And you eat meat.

• 25:39Faith Jenkins?

  And I see you on Snapchat eating some wings, you may think that's a small lie, right? But what does it say about that person? It's saying that for some reason, they feel that they need to, they can't be their true selves with you.

• 25:55Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 25:55Faith Jenkins?

  They're trying to project. Some someone who they think may impress you and it's not really who they are. So when you see those subtle things. That you don't understand, well, why didn't this person just be true and honest with me about this? This was a small thing. How do you think they're gonna handle the big things? So I actually look at those little things. What kind of digital footprint? Are people leaving online? On their social media? What do they think is funny? I remember once.

• 26:32Faith Jenkins?

  Someone wanted to set me up on a blind date with an actor. Here in LA and I looked at him, he was, I'm sure he had no shortage of women.

• 26:44Faith Jenkins?

  To to date him and he'd reached out to a person. Who was a, he knew was a mutual friend and said, you know, I'd I'd like to meet Faith. Would you set me up with her? Well, I went and looked on his social media.

• 26:58Faith Jenkins?

  And he had a joke that he'd put on his social media that I thought was really crude. And that I didn't think was funny, but he thought it was funny. But in that moment, I said, I I'm not gonna go out on a date with him. Some people may think, wow, you didn't even give him a chance. You didn't even, again, I know myself now. I know myself and I know that when I date somebody, even what they put out publicly on their social media, that's a reflection of me. That's a reflection of our relationship. That's a reflection of all those things. You may think that joke was small, but to me, it represented a bigger picture of. What I thought would be incompatibility.

• 27:38Lewis Howes?

  How important is compatibility versus connection? And chemistry of the three, connection, chemistry, compatibility, which one is most important in your mind?

• 27:50Faith Jenkins?

  You need all three. When I think about compatibility.

• 27:55Faith Jenkins?

  I think about not just making a decision about where you are now in your life. Because over time, when you get into a relationship, as time goes on, people are going to change.

• 28:10Faith Jenkins?

  When you lose a job, or you get a new job, you have children, you don't have children, you go through uh certain stressful situations with your family, your health, all of these things in life, they continue to change us and shape us into who we are. So when I think about compatibility, I think about a person who is committed to a certain level of growth. You are not just going together in the future, you are growing together.

• 28:39Lewis Howes?

  Oh, yes.

• 28:40Faith Jenkins?

  And uh so that love has to be about being committed to the same commitment and a certain level of growth.

• 28:49Lewis Howes?

  When someone wants to continue growing and developing himself, when the other person doesn't want to, what happens in a relationship or a marriage when when they're different there?

• 29:00Faith Jenkins?

  It's easy to fall in love, I think.

• 29:03Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 29:04Faith Jenkins?

  I think it takes work to stay there.

• 29:05Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 29:06Faith Jenkins?

  And so, one example, I had a couple come into divorce court, and the wife said, you know, initially, our our marriage was great, like most marriages, but over time, uh he started uh saying things to me that would really hurt my feelings. I gained weight, I gained fifteen, twenty pounds over the last couple of years, and he would comment on my weight. And um we were initially committed to just building each other up. And even when we had criticism to share with each other, we were always constructive, and we always thought, how can I say this in the most loving way? And so she said she continued to grow in that area, but he didn't.

• 29:47Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 29:48Faith Jenkins?

  And I turned to him and I said, so what happened? He said, well, I'm I'm just speaking the truth. I said, would you ever say to a stranger the things that you're saying to your wife? This is supposed to be your your best friend, he worked in a restaurant. I said, would you ever say those things to a patron in your restaurant? The things that you're saying to your wife? He said, I don't believe in divorce, we're Christians, we don't get divorced. I say, really, what does God say about love? You're a Christian, what does God say about love? Love is kind.

• 30:15Lewis Howes?

  Love is patient.

• 30:16Faith Jenkins?

  Love is patient. Love doesn't envy, love certainly certainly doesn't try to tear the other person down. So.

• 30:24Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 30:24Faith Jenkins?

  The commitment to that growth. You know, it it it really shows up in the long term, in the longevity of the relationship.

• 30:35Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 30:36Faith Jenkins?

  And if someone's not committed, again, you have to protect your peace. I would never advise staying in a relationship where you are being uh e- emotionally abused and disrespected because I'm gonna tell you what happens. It breaks my heart.

• 30:51Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 30:52Faith Jenkins?

  To see people come in and they've been in these relationships for so long where they have been repeatedly dishonored.

• 31:00Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 31:01Faith Jenkins?

  You know why? Because over time,

• 31:05Faith Jenkins?

  when people have been repeatedly disrespected and dishonored, it becomes normal to them. It becomes a part familiar. And they in turn start to think they've been dishonored so much that they are not indeed worthy of honor. Because they've been dishonored repeatedly. Pain will subside over i- in time after you leave, if you do the work, but it will always be there if you stay in that type of situation.

• 31:33Lewis Howes?

  What would you say are the main causes of divorce then? Is it cheating? Is it disrespect? Is it a lack of growth? Is it foul play, emotional abuse? What what are the main causes you see?

• 31:43Faith Jenkins?

  People not being committed to the same commitment.

• 31:46Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 31:46Faith Jenkins?

  And that is the um the growth, the love, the respect. Finding out how your partner wants to be loved. Because everybody wants to be loved in a different way and it may change over time. So you're constantly evolving. And a part of your job as a good partner is to find out how does this person wanna be loved?

• 32:08Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 32:09Faith Jenkins?

  If you stop doing all of those things, it's like if you're if you maintain and you take care of your yard, what are the things you do to take care of your yard? You have to mow the lawn, take care of the grass, fertilize it, pull out the weeds, all of those things to keep the yard looking great, to keep it growing. There are gonna be seasons.

• 32:27Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 32:27Faith Jenkins?

  There are gonna be seasons. It may be dry one season, it may it may be a rainy season, you're gonna go through the storms. But just like in life, the the seasons are gonna change, but what are you doing to maintain throughout all of those things? Being committed to doing the work, to maintain.

• 32:44Faith Jenkins?

  The relationship throughout the seasons is what speaks to success. And I see the opposite end of that.

• 32:52Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 32:52Faith Jenkins?

  Because at no point can you just think that being on autopilot.

• 32:57Lewis Howes?

  It's gonna make it last, yeah.

• 32:59Faith Jenkins?

  Moving forward.

• 32:59Lewis Howes?

  Right. There's a book obviously called the love, uh, I think it's the Five Love Languages.

• 33:03Faith Jenkins?

  Yes, I love that book.

• 33:04Lewis Howes?

  And um, I think it's such a powerful place to even just have a conversation with a partner in when you're dating. And to take the love language test, to see, does this person, do I like giving love in the way this person likes receiving love? I did this test with my, my girlfriend and I did it at the same time. I wish I would have done this in previous relationships. This isn't the end all be all. This isn't like if you have this in a perfect alignment, your relationship's gonna work out. But I think it's a great indicator of minimizing stress. When you learn these things, and I realized that we have the exact same order of how we like to receive love based on the test we took. So we both like receiving love the same way, which means we both like giving love in the same way.

• 33:48Lewis Howes?

  Whereas in previous relationships, I didn't ask them, how do you really like to receive love? And they didn't ask me, you know, we both didn't really do the test and, and, and go through that, that, that uh, process. And over time, I remember feeling like, oh, they really like when I do certain things that I'm not comfortable doing. Or it's not my natural go-to. It's more of a strain and it's harder for me to think of and remember to do certain things. And vice versa. They didn't like doing certain things that I like to be, I like being touched and you know, told nice things and they wanted to keep their hands to themselves, they didn't want, whatever it was. And I was like, man, just like if people couldn't get in alignment on that, at least in a couple areas, I think it would make it

• 34:32Lewis Howes?

  much smoother in the process. And there's a lot of different things out there that people can do about that, but how important is that, do you think, figuring out? The love language of your partner before you get married.

• 34:43Faith Jenkins?

  It's a part of the service.

• 34:44Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 34:45Faith Jenkins?

  That comes with being in a relationship and being in a marriage.

• 34:48Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 34:49Faith Jenkins?

  Big part of marriage is service.

• 34:50Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 34:51Faith Jenkins?

  And sacrifice.

• 34:52Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 34:53Faith Jenkins?

  And a part of the service is how am I going to serve my partner?

• 34:59Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 34:59Faith Jenkins?

  Um, I remember when my husband and I went through our premarital counseling and we did pre-engagement counseling even.

• 35:07Lewis Howes?

  So before you got engaged, you did counseling?

• 35:10Faith Jenkins?

  Yes.

• 35:10Lewis Howes?

  To see, is it worth getting engaged? And then when you're engaged, you got counseling to see like.

• 35:14Faith Jenkins?

  Absolutely. See, that's how serious I was about it.

• 35:16Lewis Howes?

  I think that's, I remember before my, my current girlfriend, I remember thinking to myself, gosh, I would love to get in a relationship and start therapy.

• 35:25Faith Jenkins?

  Mm-hmm.

• 35:25Lewis Howes?

  Like when everything's good.

• 35:26Faith Jenkins?

  Mm-hmm.

• 35:27Lewis Howes?

  And see, are we in alignment? And like diffuse some of the things that could be challenged in the future. And we've been doing that in our own way, like she's got her own therapist, I've got mine and we're starting to do stuff together. And it's uncomfortable to have certain conversations, but it's so freeing at the same time. So anyways, you, you did this because you were so serious about it. And what did you learn about doing counseling, pre-engagement, engagement, before marriage as well?

• 35:52Faith Jenkins?

  Well, I thought, if I get engaged and then I go to premarital counseling, I've already made the decision to get married.

• 36:01Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 36:02Faith Jenkins?

  So I wanted to know, because remember, you're talking about, I talked about the fear of the unknown. So I wanted to minimize the unknowns.

• 36:12Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 36:13Faith Jenkins?

  So I thought, I, I have all these questions and I think I'm asking the right questions, but I want to know, is there something that I'm not asking? Is there another area that we need to explore? Is there something else we need to talk about before we got engaged? Because we were talking about at that point, getting married. You know, so often when people get engaged and they announce it and they share with the world and the invitations are going out and then, oh, wait, wait, we need to do our premarital counseling. And you may find out something that you don't like and are you gonna?

• 36:44Lewis Howes?

  Uh-oh, whoopsie.

• 36:45Faith Jenkins?

  Right.

• 36:46Lewis Howes?

  Too late.

• 36:46Faith Jenkins?

  What are you gonna do?

• 36:47Lewis Howes?

  A lot of people feel the pressure. I've heard so many stories of people gotten divorced. I'm, I'm sure you've heard this too. Where the woman or the man said, I knew on my wedding day, this wasn't the right fit. It wasn't the right fit. Have you heard that before?

• 36:59Faith Jenkins?

  Yes, they knew.

• 37:00Lewis Howes?

  And they still go through with it. I'm like, why do you put yourself through this?

• 37:05Faith Jenkins?

  They don't want to be embarrassed.

• 37:07Lewis Howes?

  But then two, five years later.

• 37:09Faith Jenkins?

  Yeah.

• 37:09Lewis Howes?

  You went through just pain. And sadness, and you settled for something that wasn't the right thing.

• 37:15Faith Jenkins?

  People think.

• 37:16Lewis Howes?

  And I'm not judging people here because I've made a ton of my own mistakes.

• 37:18Faith Jenkins?

  We've all, we've all made those mistakes. We have to learn the hard way. Some people, you know, you have to learn the hard way and, and all opportunities for you to grow, but.

• 37:27Lewis Howes?

  But you can minimize that based on.

• 37:29Faith Jenkins?

  Minimize it.

• 37:30Lewis Howes?

  And maybe you go through all the premarital counseling and the pre-engagement and you still doesn't work out for whatever reason, but at least you hopefully.

• 37:36Faith Jenkins?

  You did your due diligence.

• 37:37Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 37:38Faith Jenkins?

  You did your due diligence. So you can go in with a little more confidence because of your due diligence.

• 37:42Lewis Howes?

  And if something when it came up on one of these conversations that you're like, that's completely out of alignment with what I want, you could have. Figured out, is there a solution to this? If not, then maybe you wouldn't have gotten married.

• 37:53Faith Jenkins?

  There are two things here about what you just said, which is, which is great because. Some people think that by getting married, it's going to change something or change a person. Or things will be different.

• 38:07Lewis Howes?

  It's not, yeah.

• 38:08Faith Jenkins?

  Uh, the only thing a wedding will change is maybe your last name.

• 38:13Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 38:13Faith Jenkins?

  They weddings will break the bank, but they will not break bad habits.

• 38:18Lewis Howes?

  That's true.

• 38:19Faith Jenkins?

  Um, so you can expect when you get married, you've won the pie in contest. What is the prize for winning the pie in contest? More pie.

• 38:27Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 38:27Faith Jenkins?

  You've won this person. What is the prize? You get more of them. So you better be happy with your choice.

• 38:32Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, and you can't change someone.

• 38:34Faith Jenkins?

  Not because of pressure.

• 38:35Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, or forced.

• 38:35Faith Jenkins?

  Or nagging, or crying, or any of those things. It has to be something.

• 38:39Lewis Howes?

  Within.

• 38:39Faith Jenkins?

  You come from within.

• 38:40Lewis Howes?

  Each person has to want to change. And I, I really don't think you can date or marry based on potential personally. Um, and I hear a lot of women saying, well, he's got so much potential. He could become this man. But then he never becomes it.

• 38:55Faith Jenkins?

  That's why I wrote this book. That's why I wrote that book.

• 38:57Lewis Howes?

  And so you, you, you date or marry based on potential, but then you're really settling because who you're dating and who you're marrying is who they are. Maybe they grow into something greater. Based on what they want, but you can't expect them to be on a timeline you want.

• 39:13Faith Jenkins?

  You are dating their reality. You want to marry their potential. Those two things should be aligned.

• 39:19Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 39:20Faith Jenkins?

  We went to pre-engagement counseling. Because I wanted to make sure that we were asking each other the right questions.

• 39:32Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 39:32Faith Jenkins?

  And we were getting to know each other the best we possibly could before even making the decision

• 39:38Lewis Howes?

  To get engaged.

• 39:39Faith Jenkins?

  To get married.

• 39:40Lewis Howes?

  To get engaged.

• 39:41Faith Jenkins?

  To get engaged.

• 39:41Lewis Howes?

  And then you had time to ask more questions.

• 39:43Faith Jenkins?

  Absolutely.

• 39:47Lewis Howes?

  So what were the three conversations or questions that were the most challenging for you to have the courage to talk about? Or just navigate? What were the three most uncomfortable conversations in pre-engagement counseling?

• 40:00Faith Jenkins?

  How have you healed from your past?

• 40:02Lewis Howes?

  Gosh, healing is so key. It's so key. Okay.

• 40:05Faith Jenkins?

  We both had past relationships.

• 40:07Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 40:07Faith Jenkins?

  That didn't work out for one reason or another. And I think we both wanted to know if there were going to be triggers

• 40:16Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 40:16Faith Jenkins?

  That would bring out something from the past in our current relationship. There's always going to be residue.

• 40:23Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 40:23Faith Jenkins?

  We're human.

• 40:24Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 40:24Faith Jenkins?

  And we're bringing our life experience with us. But there is a difference in making somebody pay. Who had nothing to do with the past.

• 40:34Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 40:35Faith Jenkins?

  And so exploring that was really important.

• 40:38Lewis Howes?

  Okay, how have you healed from your past? And like my therapist says, healing is a journey. It's not a one-time event.

• 40:44Faith Jenkins?

  A hundred percent.

• 40:45Lewis Howes?

  So you've got to, you've got to realize like, okay, you might have moments, you might have a moment of a realization where you start to heal, but it's a continual journey until you really kind of let it go.

• 40:56Faith Jenkins?

  Yep.

• 40:56Lewis Howes?

  And so how have you healed from your?

• 40:58Faith Jenkins?

  Important journey.

• 40:58Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, and my friend Stefan speaks, says like, step one before getting in any relationship is to heal. You know, or be on a healing journey.

• 41:05Faith Jenkins?

  Yeah.

• 41:06Lewis Howes?

  Because otherwise you're bringing that into the new relationship.

• 41:08Faith Jenkins?

  And it is a journey. I don't think it's realistic to say, you know, one day, wait, I've identified where I've been hurt before and now today's the day I'm just, I'm healed. It's over. It's done.

• 41:17Lewis Howes?

  It takes time.

• 41:18Faith Jenkins?

  It takes time.

• 41:19Lewis Howes?

  If someone's entering a new relationship and they're not willing. To start to heal from the past, what happens?

• 41:27Faith Jenkins?

  You have to be really careful because you cannot make someone happy. I say this to people all the time. When I hear somebody say, well, this person makes me happy.

• 41:38Faith Jenkins?

  I cringe. Because if that person makes you happy, then they can make you sad. If that person makes you happy, then they can make you depressed. Why are you giving the power to somebody else to make you happy? That's why it's important to be on the healing journey. Because you do not want someone to be codependent on you to make them happy. You cannot do that. That is not your job. Our job is to bring our happy selves into a relationship. So we're not making the other person god in our lives. So that's why that's important.

• 42:10Lewis Howes?

  Right. Okay, so that was conversation number one. How have you healed from your past? What's another challenging or uncomfortable conversation you had in pre-engagement counseling?

• 42:21Faith Jenkins?

  Well, what are your real expectations for me as a wife? What are your real expectations for, for him as a husband? What are those expectations? Do you expect me to cook dinner five nights a week at 6:00 PM? And, and, and have it just right there hot on the plate?

• 42:39Lewis Howes?

  If we don't fully ask, and I think you gotta be so honest with yourself in these conversations, right? You can't say, well, no, I don't expect that. But then two years later, you're like, why aren't you doing this? I was expecting it. Why is this so important to communicate expectations? Not only six months out, but like six years out. Here's what I'm gonna expect.

• 42:58Faith Jenkins?

  Because when you have unmet expectations and you don't communicate them, resentment builds. So if you, well, I thought that this, it, it was going to be this way. But you thought, but why, why didn't you, why didn't you communicate it? In the other person's mind, you can't, you can't be a mind reader. So just communicating those expectations. You know, most people don't like conflict. Especially men. They wanna avoid conflict at all costs. So if they know that something that they're doing is gonna cause a huge conflict, most times, they're not gonna do it. But do they know? Have you communicated it?

• 43:41Faith Jenkins?

  So communicating what those expectations are are really important. So in our pre-engagement counseling, we talked about, what are the expectations? What are, you know, the time that we're gonna spend together? The household duties, children. We talked about all of those things. We talked about as much as we possibly could and we had a counselor there to bring up questions that we didn't even think about.

• 44:04Lewis Howes?

  What were those questions? What were some of them?

• 44:05Faith Jenkins?

  He just really wanted us to think about day-to-day life. And how we were going to live our day-to-day lives. You know, once you get from under this fog.

• 44:19Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, the wedding.

• 44:20Faith Jenkins?

  The wedding and all of those things. What is day-to-day life going to look like for the two of you?

• 44:26Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 44:26Faith Jenkins?

  What do you think is going to look like? And.

• 44:30Lewis Howes?

  Setting these expectations, yeah. And what would you say is the third conversation that was really important to have? We talked about, have you healed the past? What are your expectations? What would you say is the third conversation or question to ask one another?

• 44:45Faith Jenkins?

  About our life goals, our life path. If my husband would have told me he wanted to move to a small town in Texas and turn off the, the, the cell phones and to get rid of all of our worldly possessions and just live a, live a real simple life. I think that's beautiful if that's what he would have wanted. But that's not, that wasn't on my life path and what I saw myself doing.

• 45:11Lewis Howes?

  That wasn't your vision.

• 45:11Faith Jenkins?

  My career wasn't my vision. So just having an idea of your life path. And again, you know, things change as you go through life and your vision and your goals change. But just being honest about where you really would see yourself.

• 45:29Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 45:29Faith Jenkins?

  In the next several years, in the next ten years, and how your relationship would play a factor in that.

• 45:37Lewis Howes?

  Right. While you watched all these divorces happen in these stressful times, and you you grew up with parents going to divorce, then you became, you know, a lawyer and judge of divorce. Did it worry you by seeing all this constantly? Did it make you fearful of marriage and say like, is there even hope? Like, are people even happy in long-term marriages? Or did it give you an education on here's all the things that they all did, you know, that they could have eliminated this pain if they would have done these steps? And it gave you hope about being married for the future?

• 46:13Faith Jenkins?

  I think that I observed a lot. And and and I I took a lot of things in. And I think that just, you know, we've all had people who we thought were in great relationships. And then for one reason or another, they don't work out.

• 46:31Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 46:31Faith Jenkins?

  And you think, and it shakes you.

• 46:33Lewis Howes?

  And you're like, if they didn't make it work, how am I gonna make it work?

• 46:36Faith Jenkins?

  Right. And it shakes you. And and so, again, it it builds on that fear. I I had to stop this this notion of, you know, I'm gonna protect myself by not putting myself out there because then I won't get hurt again. That fear wasn't really protecting me. What it was really doing was poisoning my perspective. And I knew that I was not going to be able to step into my the greatest relationship that I really wanted to have with that poisonous perspective. Everything is an opportunity to learn and everything is an opportunity to grow. So whether it was, you know, watching my parents

• 47:19Faith Jenkins?

  and what they did, a lot of times you watch certain things and you you learn what not to do. And just taking all of those experiences, and I was jaded at some point. I did go through a period where I was cynical. But I had to reframe and reshape my own perspective.

• 47:35Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 47:36Faith Jenkins?

  And decide how I wanted to live my life and what what perspective I really wanted to have. And I just made a decision that I was going to go forward and believe. That I could have the type of love in my life that I wanted.

• 47:52Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 47:52Faith Jenkins?

  Because if I didn't believe it, it wasn't gonna happen.

• 47:54Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 47:55Faith Jenkins?

  So despite seeing all of these other things around me. You know, I looked at other people who had been successful. I looked at people who had good experiences. I listened to things that would build up my faith. And I learned how to navigate. When I dealt with rejection or betrayal or hurt or pain. Six months before I met my husband, I went through a breakup.

• 48:25Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 48:26Faith Jenkins?

  And I was, I remember that day crying. You know, upset. Again, my feelings are hurt. I'm human. I'm having that human moment. But I also remember that day deciding, okay, you know what to do. You've been through this.

• 48:41Lewis Howes?

  You're a pro.

• 48:41Faith Jenkins?

  A bunch of times. And you've learned, but the key was I learned every time it happened.

• 48:46Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 48:46Faith Jenkins?

  I learned and I grew. The first time I remember dealing with rejection in a major way, it changed my life.

• 48:54Lewis Howes?

  Hmm. What did you learn about it?

• 48:56Faith Jenkins?

  I, um, I was in college. And I wasn't dating anyone and they had this black tie event at the school every year.

• 49:05Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 49:06Faith Jenkins?

  And I just decided I was gonna ask the cutest guy I knew on campus to go to this event with me. I never saw him with a date or anyone, so I figured he was single. It was fine. And it wasn't a big deal. I wasn't asking him to be my boyfriend. Just go to this event. Go to this thing. And so I walked up to him one day in the student union. And I said, hey, Chris, this uh, this event is coming up Friday night. It's black tie, you know, it's our big annual event every year. Would you mind going with me? He looked at me and he paused and he said, um, can I let you know? Can I get back to you?

• 49:39Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 49:40Faith Jenkins?

  And I said, okay. And I saw him the next day and I talk about this story in the book. I saw him the next day and he walked over to me and he said, uh, listen, I appreciate the invitation. Thank you for inviting me to, um, but I can't go. So I'm not going to be able to, to make it, but have fun. So I was like, wow, okay. And I would see him around and I was a little embarrassed about it, you know, felt.

• 50:01Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, you asked and you got rejected, yeah.

• 50:03Faith Jenkins?

  But I went to the event and I, um, had a good time. You know, I just didn't understand. I was like, well, I don't understand. It wasn't a big deal. Why couldn't he just go to the event with me? Five years later, I was walking down the street in my college town. And I walked into a store and he was in the store.

• 50:22Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 50:23Faith Jenkins?

  And he called me over and he said, hey, can I talk to you for a second? And I said, sure. He said, do you remember several years ago when we were in school and you asked me to go to this event? I really didn't remember. I had forgotten, it'd been five years. But as he started telling me about it, I, yeah, I started to think and I was like, yeah, I do. And he was like, well, you know, I just wanted you to know, I want you to know that I actually really liked you. And I really wanted to go to this function with you. But he said, I didn't have a suit. And I didn't have any money to get a suit and I had nothing to wear and I was too embarrassed to tell you.

• 50:59Lewis Howes?

  Oh, man.

• 50:59Faith Jenkins?

  Now, I was thinking, uh, cause I thought back at this time, everybody had one of those oversized Steve Harvey suits in their closet, you know, some Stacy Adams they can just pull out on occasion. But he didn't. What that moment taught me was, you know, I ran into him randomly five years later. But how many times do we go through rejection? And we take it so personal and we make it about us. And we go down this rabbit hole of, oh, he didn't like me because I'm not cute enough. I'm not smart enough, I'm not funny enough, and we make up all these reasons in our mind. When it could really be just somebody doesn't have a suit. Or whatever their reason is that has nothing to do with you. When I talk about going through dating experiences and going through rejections and going through those relationships. I learned every step along the way.

• 51:43Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 51:43Faith Jenkins?

  And every time I would go through it, it would get a little less painful.

• 51:47Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 51:48Faith Jenkins?

  And I would learn a little more. And I would take what I learned and I would apply it to the next relationship. So by the time I got to the point where I was going through this breakup. Six months before meeting my husband, I said, oh, no, I know what to do. I know how to handle this.

• 52:01Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 52:02Faith Jenkins?

  And I'm gonna approach this complete, in a completely different manner. And you know what I said for the first time in my life?

• 52:08Lewis Howes?

  What?

• 52:08Faith Jenkins?

  I said, this moment, this breakup is opening up the door for me to meet my husband.

• 52:14Lewis Howes?

  Wow, did you know you were gonna meet him within six months? Or were you like, I'm gonna take a year or two and just be single? What was your mindset after the breakup?

• 52:23Faith Jenkins?

  I took a sheet of paper that day and I wrote down that I was gonna meet my husband within the next year.

• 52:28Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 52:28Faith Jenkins?

  And I met him six months later.

• 52:31Lewis Howes?

  What changed inside of you from attracting him or? You know, were you going on a bunch of dates with guys? Or were you just like clear? Once you met him, you started having conversations and realizing this was more in alignment with what you wanted? How did you know?

• 52:47Faith Jenkins?

  I had a conversation with God.

• 52:48Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 52:49Faith Jenkins?

  And I said, you know, God, I've gone through a lot of lessons. And I've had a lot of experiences. And I'm going through this breakup right now, but I'm going to pass this test. And I'm going to see this breakup as for, for what it is. It is, this, this door is closing for a reason and for a bigger purpose. Because it's so easy to say that when you're not going through anything.

• 53:16Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 53:17Faith Jenkins?

  But I decided to have that perspective when I was in the midst of the hurt.

• 53:23Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 53:24Faith Jenkins?

  And I said, I will pass this test for myself because I know what to do and I know what this means. And, you know. Fight for the people say, you know, fight for the relationship, fight for what you want. No, I'm gonna let this go. Because once I let go, if it's happening and I let go, it's going to open me up to what's really supposed to happen in my life. If that means someone coming back into your life, okay, that's what it means. But more often than not, it's opening up and moving you into a new direction. Don't fight against the current.

• 53:55Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 53:56Faith Jenkins?

  So I didn't fight it. I accepted it and I said, this is going to open me up. This, this moment in my life right now, I had that conversation with God and I said, I'm ready. I'm ready emotionally, um financially.

• 54:11Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 54:11Faith Jenkins?

  You know, all, all the places that I needed to be into my life, I said, I'm ready and I'm at peace with this ending. And I'm at peace with the new beginning that is opening for me and I just believe it was my time.

• 54:26Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I think sometimes a breakup can be, like you said, a great opening for you, a, a breaking open of what's not working, what's out of alignment and get you on a the right track of finding, creating alignment within yourself and then attracting that in the next relationship. And I think that's beautiful what you did. But why do so many people seem to settle? And why don't they end the relationship or wait until the relationship is what they want? Why do you think so many people settle?

• 54:54Faith Jenkins?

  Could be loneliness, fear.

• 54:59Faith Jenkins?

  Past experiences that uh have made them question their self-worth. You know, in the end, when you're making a choice, and if you do wanna get married, because some people don't, and that's totally their choice and their life path. But if you do want to, I want you to think about the commitment and the decision that you're making. The person you're gonna have ten thousand meals with. The person you're going to travel, perhaps all over the world with. The person who will be the greatest influence on your children should you choose to have them. This is the kinda choice you're making. You've gotta get past some of these hangups that we've developed just going through life.

• 55:45Faith Jenkins?

  So you can bring a healthy you into the equation and see with clear eyes.

• 55:50Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 55:51Faith Jenkins?

  And know that this is not a decision. You can just pick a pair of shoes. You can, you can pick a restaurant to go to. You can just pick a dress. You cannot just pick a spouse.

• 56:02Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 56:02Faith Jenkins?

  You cannot just pick a partner. That decision is too important for you to take it lightly.

• 56:07Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. When you put it like that, ten thousand meals.

• 56:10Faith Jenkins?

  Mm-hmm.

• 56:12Lewis Howes?

  You know, I'm gonna have ten thousand meals with this person, whether it's ten thousand or five thousand, whatever the number is, but you're gonna have thousands of meals with someone.

• 56:19Faith Jenkins?

  Hmm.

• 56:20Lewis Howes?

  That's a good way to reflect and say, am I enjoying the meals I'm having with them right now in the last six months or two years we've been dating? Whatever it is, am I enjoying these meals? Because I'm gonna spend thousands more. And so if you're not, that could be a good indicator to say, okay, well, how does the relationship need to shift?

• 56:37Faith Jenkins?

  Mm-hmm.

• 56:37Lewis Howes?

  And see if we can get on a different track, or maybe it's not the right relationship. But I think having that perspective is powerful.

• 56:43Faith Jenkins?

  Well, what you said very early on in our interview, you heard a TED Talk, someone talked about getting into.

• 56:50Lewis Howes?

  Waiting, waiting, yeah.

• 56:51Faith Jenkins?

  I will say this, I've never had a couple in front of me, uh, who had said that they wish they would have moved faster.

• 57:00Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 57:00Faith Jenkins?

  A lot of them say that they wish they would have taken their time.

• 57:04Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 57:06Faith Jenkins?

  Yeah, move slower, got to know the other person better. And again, I, I don't think there's a magic number of months or years when it comes to the time.

• 57:15Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, some people, you hear stories of them together for forty years, and they met, and they got married six months later, and they, you know, and it's been a beautiful journey, but you're saying most of these divorces. They're not saying, I, I wish we did it sooner. They're saying, I wish we'd taken more time.

• 57:29Faith Jenkins?

  Yeah, because, you know why? Because they were still learning about themselves.

• 57:33Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 57:33Faith Jenkins?

  And we're always learning, but they were at a key pivotal time in their lives where they were learning what really would work for them and what they were willing to negotiate on, compromise on, and what they weren't, the things that they weren't willing to compromise on.

• 57:49Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 57:49Faith Jenkins?

  It's okay to have some non-negotiables. It's important to recognize. When you're looking at a person's history, we talk about red flags. If a person has a history of infidelity.

• 58:00Lewis Howes?

  Uh huh.

• 58:01Faith Jenkins?

  But they meet you and they say, but it's it's gonna be different with you. That's a red flag.

• 58:07Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 58:08Faith Jenkins?

  Because what about their history speaks to their loyalty? You know, the FBI, when they do a analysis and a profile and they wanna put it, put together a profile of someone and try to track their next moves, their next steps, you know what they do? They look at their patterns in someone's life. Cause people lie, but their patterns don't.

• 58:27Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 58:27Faith Jenkins?

  So they look at their patterns, they put together a profile of what they think this person's next moves will be based on their patterns. Look at people's patterns.

• 58:37Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 58:37Faith Jenkins?

  What do they tell you about their lives?

• 58:39Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 58:40Faith Jenkins?

  Mm hmm.

• 58:40Lewis Howes?

  Take a look at the history.

• 58:41Faith Jenkins?

  Yeah.

• 58:41Lewis Howes?

  Now, what if someone's completely honest about their past and says, you know what? I made a bunch of mistakes.

• 58:47Faith Jenkins?

  Mm hmm.

• 58:48Lewis Howes?

  I did this wrong, I hurt this person, or whatever, I was out of integrity with this. But I've been rebuilding myself and I've been committing to a new future, that's not who I wanna be anymore. Is that a red flag? Their brutal honesty, you know, they're being radically honest. Here's what I went through, but here's my track record in the last six months, year, five years, I've been on a different track. Would you trust that person more if they've kind of made these mistakes in the past, but been a hundred percent honest and on the right track? Or should that, is that a red flag and you should be worried about their history still?

• 59:21Faith Jenkins?

  I would ignore their words and judge them completely by their actions.

• 59:27Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 59:27Faith Jenkins?

  Do the actions actually show that there has been a change?

• 59:31Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 59:32Faith Jenkins?

  If those two things don't line up, if a person's words and actions don't match. Completely ignore what they're saying to you.

• 59:40Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 59:40Faith Jenkins?

  And look at their behavior only. It's fine that you're, that I, I think honesty is great. So you've come to this person, you've said, you know, this was my past, this was my history, but I'm living a different life now. You should be on high alert.

• 59:54Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 59:55Faith Jenkins?

  And you should look to see if there is actually evidence of that change.

• 1:00:00Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:00:03Lewis Howes?

  What do you think makes a high value partner? What are the key things that would you say like, wow, this person's extremely valuable and I should take this seriously about entering a relationship or, you know, that this could be a great partner?

• 1:00:18Faith Jenkins?

  There are a lot of things, but one that I think is incredibly important is how do they treat people around them who they may perceive as weak or vulnerable? They're gonna see vulnerabilities in you. How do they treat the people in their life who can't do anything for them?

• 1:00:41Faith Jenkins?

  Do they show every, is there a certain level of respect they have for everyone? Or is it conditional on who that person is in their life? If you want peace in your home, they care about being a good person. They know what service and sacrifice is. Because that's what happens. That's a big part of marriage and relationships. They understand that love is a conscious decision. People say, oh, I'm just keeping it real. Not when you're hurting someone.

• 1:01:16Lewis Howes?

  Intentionally, yeah.

• 1:01:17Faith Jenkins?

  Yeah. So all of those things are really important.

• 1:01:20Lewis Howes?

  That's good.

• 1:01:21Faith Jenkins?

  And they are bringing and they want to bring, they have a desire to bring their best self into the relationship. And no one's perfect. So I'm not talking about just a level of perfection here. I'm talking about a commitment to growing.

• 1:01:41Lewis Howes?

  I hear sometimes people say like, marriage and relationships are hard work. And part of me doesn't like when they say that.

• 1:01:51Faith Jenkins?

  I know, I know. I used to feel, yeah.

• 1:01:53Lewis Howes?

  I'm like, then why get in something?

• 1:01:55Faith Jenkins?

  Why is it so hard?

• 1:01:56Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, why should it be so hard? I think it takes conscious courage to speak up when you need to speak up, to have those challenging conversations, which I think a lot of people don't have because they're maybe scary or you're unsure what's gonna, the other person's gonna say, will they accept you, will they judge you, whatever it is? I think it takes, you know, humility, all these different things. But should it be a grind? You know, I don't know. I don't think it should be. And I don't like when people say relationships or marriage is hard work. I think it's, can we reframe that? So it doesn't need to feel hard. It's gonna take presence and patience and time and all these things and attention, but doesn't need to be hard work all the time. I don't know, I don't like that. But what's your perspective on that?

• 1:02:39Faith Jenkins?

  I used to hear people say that as well before I got married and it also made me very self-conscious of the unknown because why? What people, people would say that and then they, they, they wouldn't explain the reasons why.

• 1:02:55Faith Jenkins?

  I think that more than anything, the work is learning to love the new version of the person that you've partnered with as time goes on.

• 1:03:09Lewis Howes?

  Love and accept them, yeah.

• 1:03:10Faith Jenkins?

  Love and accept them because as time goes on, you are going to see change. Not the change as in what we talked about earlier. I'm dating your, I'm dating your reality, but I want to marry your potential. Because I, I marry you, but I want all these things to change about you. It's not gonna happen. And I think the, the work comes in, in letting go of this notion that when you get married, this person, this is, this is it. And if anything happens over, you know, all of, all of these life events that happen

• 1:03:50Faith Jenkins?

  that are inherently going to change someone, this notion that that's not going to happen, I think you have to get past that. And learn to embrace this journey, this path that you're on and be committed to the commitment. The work that, that you and I talked about is the work that it takes to maintain anything that you do in your life. It's the day to day. It's the day to day that gets people. The little things that you do to keep the day to day running smoothly and to let your partner know that

• 1:04:27Faith Jenkins?

  There is this appreciation for them as time goes on.

• 1:04:32Lewis Howes?

  What's been the biggest lessons you've learned since being married the last couple of years then? That have been different than when you guys were married? Has anything changed? Or do you feel like everything we talked about beforehand, before pre-engagement, before marriage, we've followed through on? And so, nothing has really drastically changed except for we live together now and we're married. But it's all been, you know, you've both been in integrity with what you committed to. And so, has anything changed in your mind or?

• 1:05:01Faith Jenkins?

  For anyone who gets married or you move into a close relationship like this, the change is embracing another person in your life and accepting the fact that they are a different person from you.

• 1:05:18Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:05:19Faith Jenkins?

  They have different perspectives, different life experiences, different educational backgrounds. All of these things in their life that have shaped their perspective and now you are trying to do life together.

• 1:05:32Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:32Faith Jenkins?

  You're in this boat, you're rowing together. So, it is a constant adjustment to allowing people to have the space to be who they are and have their perspectives and share those perspectives and realizing, no matter what, you're on the same team. So, the choices that you're making now, it's not just about you anymore. It is what is best for the team. So, having that teamwork mentality is the adjustment. And hopefully, when you go in, you've done enough of the work to where you're not the weak link on your team.

• 1:06:14Lewis Howes?

  Right, right, right.

• 1:06:15Faith Jenkins?

  Because you don't want to be the weak link.

• 1:06:16Lewis Howes?

  Someone's always picking up your slack, yeah.

• 1:06:18Faith Jenkins?

  So, but just. You know, realizing and embracing that teamwork mentality.

• 1:06:27Faith Jenkins?

  Even when you have an argument, even when you have a disagreement, your goal is not to win. Your goal is to find a solution that is best to move the team forward.

• 1:06:38Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, my friend Jay Shetty says in an argument or a challenging discussion, it's never, it shouldn't be the person against the other person. It should be both people against the challenge, against the problem.

• 1:06:50Faith Jenkins?

  Absolutely.

• 1:06:50Lewis Howes?

  And coming together on how do we solve the problem, not here's my solution, you're wrong, I'm right or whatever, but coming together on that. And I think that's a beautiful

• 1:07:01Lewis Howes?

  practice to focus on the challenge, not, well, you did this and it makes me upset, you know, so both finding the solution. I love this. This has been really powerful. You've got an amazing book, Sis Don't Settle, How to Stay Smart in the Matters of the Heart. I think it's really challenging to let your head make the decisions for your heart, but you need your head to make sure that you're not allowing your heart to miss out on the red flags or signs that might be, your heart may not be looking for. So you kind of need both to be connected, to really make sure you're in alignment. You're using your emotions and also seeing the facts and the data and you're using all of it to make a conscious decision about entering a relationship and then taking it to the next level.

• 1:07:45Lewis Howes?

  You've got so many great lessons and stories in here. You've got a lot of your own experience, personal experience, obviously from, I wouldn't call them failures, they're just lessons. They were relationships that weren't in alignment to where you want to be. There's nothing wrong with that. We've all had those. You had a lot of those lessons. And also being in divorce court and watching all of these people go through challenges and heartaches and the pains. So you have so many different lessons on how to make sure we hopefully eliminate that and don't have to experience those things in relationships. So very excited about the book, Sis Don't Settle, How to Stay Smart in the Matters of the Heart. Faith Jenkins, I've got a couple of final questions for you.

• 1:08:23Faith Jenkins?

  Can I tell you why I wrote this book?

• 1:08:24Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, go ahead.

• 1:08:25Faith Jenkins?

  I did not have these huge standards of love in my life growing up and didn't really know what a true, loving, healthy relationship looked like.

• 1:08:37Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, you didn't have a model. You didn't have a good model. Yeah.

• 1:08:40Faith Jenkins?

  Didn't have the model and I realized as I started dating and I moved to New York, started dating in New York. And I realized when I started dating that I really didn't have a source to pull from to learn the do's and the don'ts and and and some of these things that you know would have helped me along my journey to make some better decisions. So a lot of things I learned the hard way.

• 1:09:10Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:10Faith Jenkins?

  Sometimes that's good in life, but you know, people watch your podcast or they read books because they actually they want to learn how to minimize some of them mistakes that they can make.

• 1:09:21Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 1:09:22Faith Jenkins?

  And so because I if if you want love, if you want a loving marriage, you want a love or relationship, I believe that you can have it. But how do you get there? How do you get to that point? And so this book was really a passion project. What I wanted to write, you know, being single in my twenties and thirties. How I navigated all of the challenging experiences, all of the questions, the pressure from outsiders and all of those things to get to the point where I am now, uh, two years happily married with the husband that I dreamed about having for so long. And um, and I don't think that that story is just just just a bit for me.

• 1:10:02Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:10:02Faith Jenkins?

  I believe it's something that that anyone who wants to have that kind of love in their life that they can have.

• 1:10:07Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely. I think it's beautiful and and in a in a modern world of online dating and swiping and hookup culture and people thinking they have more and more options available, but being less fulfilled and less happy because they're unsure of how to navigate these waters. I think it's really powerful for your lessons and your story and your examples to share in this book. So I'm excited for people to check this out. Um, I want to acknowledge your faith for not settling. Cause I think it's really easy for people to settle and it's nothing, you know, bad or wrong about that, but I think you were very clear on what you wanted. You made your own mistakes, but you learned every time and you got to this point. And I think it's really inspiring to see.

• 1:10:50Lewis Howes?

  Specifically, a woman wait until they're in their 40s to get married in this time. When there is that pressure and to not settle, I think, takes a lot of courage. It's a lot of courage, but I can only imagine the amount of peace and love and joy and abundance on the other side of that courage. So I really acknowledge you for leaning into that, making that decision, and also using your voice to share this wisdom with other people. So, congrats on everything there. This question is called the three truths question. Imagine, it's a hypothetical question and scenario. Imagine it's your last day on earth, many years away, and you get to live as long as you want to live, and you get to create the life of your dreams. Everything you want to do, it happens.

• 1:11:35Lewis Howes?

  But for whatever reason, in this hypothetical scenario, all of your message has been erased, or it goes to some other place. So your book is no longer available. The content you've created online is gone. So no one has access to your information anymore, your content. But you get to leave behind three lessons to the world. This is all we would have of your information, your content, or three lessons. I call it three truths. What would you say would be these three truths? What you'd share with people from the lessons you've learned in your life?

• 1:12:09Faith Jenkins?

  Don't wait until you get your dream job, or you meet your dream person, or you graduate with that degree, or you travel places you want to travel. Choose joy now, because if not, you'll run out of time if you're waiting to reach a milestone, to think you're going to achieve it.

• 1:12:30Lewis Howes?

  Choose joy. Second one?

• 1:12:32Faith Jenkins?

  The closed doors in your life are just as important as the open doors. So I would say embrace the closed doors, because they're redirecting you. Elsewhere and take that redirection as a sign, as a positive sign.

• 1:12:49Lewis Howes?

  And the third truth?

• 1:12:50Faith Jenkins?

  You're going to hear your name spoken very early on. You may graduate from kindergarten and they may call your name. You may graduate from middle school or high school, they may call your name. I want, I don't want that to be the last time you hear your name called for achieving something in your life. So I want you to walk in the rooms that are too big for you. I want you to walk in the rooms where you're concerned that you may say the wrong thing. You may ask, "Am I dressed appropriately?" I want you to continue to walk into rooms, into doors where you're not quite comfortable,

• 1:13:32Faith Jenkins?

  but you're there and you're in the room because that's where the opportunity will lie for you. That's where your success is going to be when you continue to walk into those rooms.

• 1:13:44Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. Oh, I like this. I like this a lot. We can get your book on your website, JudgeFaithJenkins.com. You're on Twitter, Instagram. Instagram is kind of the main place for you, right?

• 1:13:55Faith Jenkins?

  I think so. Instagram, yeah, JudgeFaithJenkins.

• 1:13:58Lewis Howes?

  Judge Faith Jenkins over on Instagram, Facebook as well. You've got this book, you've got a new show you're working on. Lots of cool stuff. People, they follow you on social media. They go to your website. They can learn all about everything there.

• 1:14:14Lewis Howes?

  How else can we be of support to you?

• 1:14:16Faith Jenkins?

  You can follow me on my social media. You can read my book. I think that, you know, I wrote the book to, as a source of inspiration and hope. That that was my goal. So I think that what you do here is amazing and I am, it's been an honor to be here today and be a part of this interview.

• 1:14:38Lewis Howes?

  I appreciate it, Faith. Final question, what's your definition of greatness?

• 1:14:42Faith Jenkins?

  Achieving a level of inner peace, no matter what is going on around you. Ships sink.

• 1:14:51Faith Jenkins?

  Not because what's around them, but because of what gets in them.

• 1:14:54Lewis Howes?

  I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you, if no one has told you lately, that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And

• 1:15:38Lewis Howes?

  now it's time to go out there and do something great.