The SECRETS Behind Real Love & Connection w/Stephan Speaks (PART 1) EP 1114

“Disagreement is acceptful. Disrespect is not.”Today's guest is Stephan Labossiere, also known as Stephan Speaks. As a certified relationship coach, a speaker and author, he helps both men and women overcome the challenges that hinder their relationships. Stephan empowers millions to take charge of the difficult situations standing in the way of the life and love they seek and to make impactful changes on a daily basis. He’s written a book called Love After Heartbreak and the first volume is all about helping you self-heal, find inner peace and true happiness. Lewis and Stephan's conversation was so powerful that we had to split it up into 2 parts, so make sure to listen to part 2 coming later this week! In this episode Lewis and Stephan discuss how social media is affecting our relationships, the biggest problems men and women face when cultivating healthy relationships, how to determine whether we’re really connecting with a new partner or not, why arguing is not healthy and how we can learn to communicate better, a breakdown of steps you can take to start healing your past, and so much more! For more go to: www.lewishowes.com/1114Check out his website: www.stephanspeaks.comCheck out his book: Finding Love After Heartbreak: Volume IPrevious episodes: www.lewishowes.com/703 , www.lewishowes.com/994The Power of Erotic Intelligence with Esther Perel: https://link.chtbl.com/732-podFind Lasting Love with Matthew Hussey: https://link.chtbl.com/811-pod Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  This is episode number 1,114 with Stephan Speaks. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 0:28Lewis Howes?

  Brian McGill said, "There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love." And Wayne Dyer said, "How people treat you is their karma. How you react is yours." Whoo, this is going to be a massive two-part series with my friend, Stephan Speaks. As a certified relationship coach and speaker and author, he helps both men and women overcome the challenges that hinder their relationships. And Stephan empowers millions to take charge of the difficult situations standing in their way of the life and love they seek, and to make impactful changes on a daily basis. And he's written a book called Love After Heartbreak. And the first volume is all about helping you self-heal, find inner peace and true happiness.

• 1:11Lewis Howes?

  And I've had Stephan on multiple times in the past that have gotten millions and millions of views. So make sure to check out the show notes to listen or watch the previous episodes if you want to hear or see more. And our conversation was so powerful that we had to split it up into two parts. So make sure to check out part two after this. And in this episode, we discuss how social media is affecting our relationships, the biggest problems men and women face when cultivating healthy relationships, how to determine whether we're really connecting with a new partner, or it's a fake connection, why arguing is not healthy, and how we can learn to communicate better, a breakdown of steps you can take to start healing your past, and so much more.

• 1:54Lewis Howes?

  If you are inspired by this, make sure to share this with a few friends right now. Copy and paste the link wherever you're listening to this, or use lewishouse.com/1114. This will help so many people, whether they're in a relationship or not. It will help them in a big way. And in just a moment, the one and only, Stephan Speaks.

• 2:15Lewis Howes?

  Welcome back everyone to the School of Greatness. Very excited about our guest, my man, Stefan Speaks is in the house.

• 2:21Stephan Speaks?

  Thank you, man.

• 2:22Lewis Howes?

  Brother, good to see you, man.

• 2:23Stephan Speaks?

  Same here.

• 2:23Lewis Howes?

  The last video we had, I think it's almost 2 million views now. People always love when you're on this show. And one of the main reasons why I think people love you is because you're so real about the truth about relationships. And I want to ask you a question. The biggest question I think a lot of people have right now is why do people have such a hard time these days finding love during these times? Why is it so hard?

• 2:48Stephan Speaks?

  Now, when we say during these times, are we talking about pandemic times as well?

• 2:51Lewis Howes?

  Talking about everything, everything. Social media, pandemic, millions of options out there, hard to focus on one, all these different challenges.

• 3:00Stephan Speaks?

  Now, you know what? I want to start with the social media. I used to be someone that said, you know what? Social media is not the problem. It's people. Social media simply exposes the issue, which I still believe that. But I have come to a place of seeing how evil social media can be, how much damage it can cause in people's relationships. But not just simply the negativity it pours into people's relationships, but the expectations now that it sets in different ways for people. Like you have men who are forgetting what an average woman looks like because they're looking at IG models all day. All right? You have women forgetting that, you know, not every guy has a million dollars and can shower you with a ridiculous amount of gifts.

• 3:43Stephan Speaks?

  They're seeing this luxury life being lived. Now, of course, everyone doesn't fall for that, but a lot of people are. And I do think it's impacting people's ability to appreciate relationships and different levels of what we, how we engage with each other compared to what it used to be. It's so different now.

• 4:03Lewis Howes?

  And in a relationship between a man and a woman, what is the biggest problem that you see today that women face that are holding them back? From staying in a healthy relationship? And what's the biggest problem that men are faced with? And them being happy with their partner? If they're in a relationship?

• 4:21Stephan Speaks?

  So, I always talk about healing. And I do believe that healing is the number one biggest issue. But I want to take a different angle here. I think that another huge issue that both men and women are facing, from women's standpoint, is really understanding that men are different in how we think, how we behave, how we're overall wired. And the same thing goes for women, I mean for men. So essentially, men lacking in understanding of the emotional state or the emotional side of women, and not knowing how to tap into that or navigate through that. Whereas she also struggles with trying to navigate through his logical side, and how he goes about things. And that disconnect, because both sides are expecting the other to understand them where they are.

• 5:06Stephan Speaks?

  Alright, and they're not trying to understand the other person. And so, we get caught up in our own feelings, our own perceptions of things, and that creates this huge fight, this huge battle, rather than really learning how the other side operates.

• 5:20Lewis Howes?

  This is gonna be an oversimplified question, a response that you have. Because each person is unique. But I want you to fill in the blank. If a woman understood X about a man, they would be happy in their relationship?

• 5:35Stephan Speaks?

  The simplicity of a man, they would be happy.

• 5:42Lewis Howes?

  If a woman understood the simplicity of a man, they would be happy in their relationship?

• 5:46Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 5:47Lewis Howes?

  They would have less stress, they would have less arguments, they would have less pain, suffering.

• 5:51Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 5:52Lewis Howes?

  What does it mean to be the simplicity of a man?

• 5:54Stephan Speaks?

  So, there's a few things. One, a lot of women overthinking, overanalyzing their relationships. And so, a simple example I gave in one of my videos is like, let's say a guy says, she said, "Ask the man, what do you want for your birthday?" And he says, "Listen, just, let's just watch a movie together, have some pizza, drink some liquor, I'm good. Have some sex, that's all I need for the night." And the woman thinks, "Let me get him a wallet."

• 6:20Lewis Howes?

  He's like, "No, I didn't ask for that."

• 6:21Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. Like, it's so simple. He's telling you exactly what he wants. The words coming out of his mouth are, is what he means. The problem is, so many women have been conditioned to dealing with liars and manipulators. Dealing with men who are playing games that when they are with a good man who's being forthcoming and honest, they don't know how to take that. And also because women are very, they're into details, alright? So, they, they are going to see what you need, they're gonna analyze and say, "Okay, I can get this for him." They're, they're more thoughtful in their approach. They go deeper. Which is why they become so frustrated with us, because we don't. When we don't understand that, when they said, "I'm okay," that they really weren't okay,

• 7:03Stephan Speaks?

  that bothers them. When they told us, "We don't want anything for Valentine's Day," but they really wanted something, and we didn't get that, that bothers them, because it's like, why aren't we looking deeper? Why aren't we learning them and being more in tune with them? Because that's how they are with us. And so again, it's a disconnect of, we operate very differently, but if they would just understand, we're very simple. And the man who wants to be with you, who wants to love you, is being very plain and clear. If you would just honor and accept that, it would make things so much easier.

• 7:35Lewis Howes?

  And if a man knew X about a woman, they would have a happy life.

• 7:40Stephan Speaks?

  Uh, um, uh, what's the right word?

• 7:44Stephan Speaks?

  It, it really goes back to understand that her emotions, I'm trying to find the right way to phrase this, but it, it's really understanding the emotional side of the woman. And what I mean by that is, again, if you're with a woman, let's say you guys are walking down the street, and she says, "I don't feel safe right now," alright? To a man, we may analyze this, the, the area and say, "Well, there's nothing of danger here." "What's your problem? You're crazy." No, don't do that. If she says, "I don't feel safe," you have to understand how she feels. That's her emotion right now, and her emotion is reality to her. She may not be able to explain it, it may be something within her, within her spirit,

• 8:25Stephan Speaks?

  but as men, we make a mistake of dismissing it because it doesn't line up with our logic. And now it's, "You're crazy, you're this, you're that," rather than, "No." Try to understand, she's feeling like this for a reason. And even if we can't always explain it, honor it. Now, the man's concern is, well, now she can manipulate you and play you because even when it doesn't make any sense, she can say, "I feel this way." But if you're with a good woman, and she's been good to you in every other way, why question that she's playing games now? Give her the benefit of the doubt. So I think if we would just learn to embrace what her emotions are at the moment, we would be able to have more peace. Because again, a lot of fights come from, you're trying to force your logic onto her, she's trying to tell you how she feels right now.

• 9:11Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 9:11Stephan Speaks?

  And it's like this, no, meet her where she's feeling right now. Acknowledge that. Say, "Okay, you know what, I understand it, let's handle it from that perspective."

• 9:20Lewis Howes?

  Why is it so hard for, for, let's talk about men in this situation, to acknowledge someone's feelings when in the man's mind, you're, you might be acting crazy. These feelings are irrational. Why would I acknowledge irrational feelings when there's nothing to be afraid of in this moment? If that's what a man is feeling. How do they get out of that space and say, "Okay, this is irrational. In my mind, maybe this is seem crazy because I don't feel this personally." How does a man learn to connect on that level so that they feel safe in that moment? Even if it is irrational?

• 9:55Stephan Speaks?

  So three things. It's gonna be awareness. Why did I just lose my train of thought for the second one?

• 10:02Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, awareness, yep.

• 10:03Stephan Speaks?

  Awareness, I'm missing the second one. And then communication at times when things are not chaotic. Alright, so the problem is, you can't be trying to have this full deep discussion at this, if you feel like she's being irrational, if you feel like this is not making any sense, now you're trying to have this deeper discussion that maybe she's not ready to have at the moment. Alright? She's feeling all over the place, who knows what's triggering her right now? Wait till things are calm. And now let's revisit what happened the other day.

• 10:32Lewis Howes?

  Don't fix it when it's not, when it's chaotic.

• 10:33Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. It's almost like, you know, sometimes a woman doesn't want you to fix it, she wants you to listen and acknowledge how she feels. And so, we can talk about, we can revisit it at a different time, but in that time, she needs you to embrace where she's at emotionally.

• 10:49Lewis Howes?

  What if the man's just like, "It doesn't make sense." "You're making no sense right now." "What you're saying is irrational, maybe it's illogical, it's crazy, none of it makes sense." "How do they wrap their heads around the madness of the emotion that is not real to them?"

• 11:06Stephan Speaks?

  It, it really is, this is, oh, it's about practice, so that was the second thing.

• 11:10Lewis Howes?

  Awareness, practice.

• 11:11Stephan Speaks?

  Awareness, practice, communication. So, the practicing of it is to simply understand, listen, it doesn't always have to make sense, alright? What does it hurt you in that moment to just be more compassionate and considerate of how she's feeling?

• 11:27Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 11:28Stephan Speaks?

  Even if it doesn't line up with your logic right then. You know what I'm saying? And again, we can revisit this and use it as a moment to now learn more about each other, but right now is not the time.

• 11:38Lewis Howes?

  So the next, so tomorrow, three days later, we can say, "Hey, listen, you know that time when we were walking down the street and you were afraid, nothing was around? Can we talk about that?"

• 11:46Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly, exactly. And now we can gain better understanding, because at that moment, it may be easier for her to articulate it. But in the moment of her emotions running all over the place, it's gonna be hard for her to get it out clearly. Not because she's trying to be difficult, it's just, she's, she's feeling all over the place, it's just hard. It's like, think about a child, and I'm not trying to reduce women to children, but think about a child being in their frantic moment, something happening to them, and you're saying, "Tell me what's wrong." They can't tell you, they're, but uh, uh, it's hard for them to say it. But once they're calmed down and at a better place, they can.

• 12:22Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 12:23Stephan Speaks?

  So we just have to be, we gotta be patient as well. We gotta be patient with each other and give grace. We're gonna have moments where, yeah, it may not make sense, but again, overall, if you're with a good woman, why act like she must be, she's being difficult or evil right now? You know?

• 12:40Lewis Howes?

  There's a lot of good women, speaking of good women, there's a lot of good women out there that are friends of mine, who are single. And they've been single for years. I'm thinking of a few of them specifically in my mind. I'm gonna speak to these women's archetype, because I think there's a lot of women like this out there. They've been single for, they haven't been in a, they've been dating, but they haven't been in a committed, long-term relationship for a while. Good women, they make their own money, they're independent, they're kind, they're compassionate, they're loving, they've got their own vision. But they're struggling in finding the right guy who will commit. What do you think is missing from those women? Or is this a timing thing? Maybe it's like, hey, you've been trying this for eight, 10 years and you haven't found someone.

• 13:25Lewis Howes?

  Maybe it's still timing, maybe they haven't showed up in your life yet. But if they're going on dates, they're doing these things and they still haven't been able to find a partner that feels like a good match, the right match. What's missing from them? Or is nothing missing?

• 13:39Stephan Speaks?

  It's hard to say because, you know, without knowing them individually, the issues can vary. You know, I'll tell you what I've seen as common barriers for women. One of the most common, and they may not like hearing this, but one of the most common is

• 13:55Stephan Speaks?

  a lacking of being in touch with their feminine side. And that only really plays a huge role dependent on the type of man they desire. If they desire a very masculine man, man who has his stuff together, a guy who can be a leader, at least has those qualities, then not being in your feminine is gonna work against you. You're gonna come across more difficult, you're not gonna come across as someone that's peaceful. And again, I think every man, every man who has stuff going on for himself can say what he needs almost most importantly, or at least top of the, near the top, is peace. Every man needs peace.

• 14:31Lewis Howes?

  Oh, man, I've been saying that my whole life.

• 14:34Stephan Speaks?

  You know?

• 14:34Lewis Howes?

  Peace.

• 14:35Stephan Speaks?

  And so if he does not view you in that way, because again, you project more masculine energy, you project more resistance, more of a difficult nature, he's not, you could be the most beautiful, amazing woman, it's like, and he may wanna sleep with you, but he's not gonna wanna take you serious or marry you. So that can be one problem. Another thing can be timing. You know, it's a lot of times is, you, we have to understand everything doesn't happen tomorrow. There is a process to this. But in that timing, what's important is that you don't drag on with the wrong men. A lot of women reduce their time or reduce their window of opportunity. Staying with the wrong guys, staying uh dating even the wrong guys. So it's never to be a committed, a committed relationship.

• 15:19Stephan Speaks?

  It could just be you're dating and getting to know each other. But you knew after a couple of days that he wasn't it. And yet you're still letting it continue. And what, and even though you're not fully committed in this relationship as an official boyfriend girlfriend. You're emotionally invested and your ability to now be available to someone else is severely hindered. So you're not going to be able to meet that great guy. Or that great guy may come across you here that you're dating this guy and say, I'm not even gonna bother with that.

• 15:50Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 15:50Stephan Speaks?

  And so that hurts you. So the timing is it, but you have to make sure you're leaving yourself available.

• 15:56Lewis Howes?

  Here's a question. Do we stay in relationships longer when we haven't fully healed the past?

• 16:05Stephan Speaks?

  Hell, yes.

• 16:07Lewis Howes?

  I'll probably raise my hand here for pretty much every past relationship. Where I have known at different levels, like something's not right, something's off. Okay, let's work on it. Let's try to make it work. Still, things are off. It's like you have a knowing inside and sometimes you try to force it to make it work. And I'm as, as one to blame as anyone here. And what I realized is like, oh, I haven't fully healed certain things. And it's why I've stayed in the past in relationships much longer than I probably should have. But I was afraid. I was afraid of hurting someone. I was afraid of hurting myself. I was afraid of whatever.

• 16:45Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 16:46Lewis Howes?

  And when I started to learn that like, this is something you talked about over and over. That the healing process is, is the key process to build a foundation for the potential for a great relationship, for something to flourish.

• 16:58Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 16:59Lewis Howes?

  You want to have, you know, the dream is to have a rainforest of an environment in your relationship where things can grow, things can flourish. There's green trees around you. There's water flow, waterfalls. Not an environment of a desert where things go to die in the relationship.

• 17:13Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 17:15Lewis Howes?

  And I don't think we can truly allow things to grow if we don't learn to heal. And that's something that you taught me years ago and you, you teach so many people around the world this. But if people don't even think they need to heal something, how do they do it?

• 17:32Stephan Speaks?

  They can't. There's, there's no way, you can't overcome an obstacle you don't believe exists.

• 17:37Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 17:37Stephan Speaks?

  You know?

• 17:38Lewis Howes?

  Like, "I'm fine, I got this. Nah, I've dealt with this stuff in the past." Like, that was me.

• 17:41Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. And, and so, the problem is, most people don't heal until they hit a wall. Until something, you know, knocks them on their behind, and now they have to, to see things differently and accept the issues that they've been holding on to. Uh, but also, I think the, the, the problem for a lot of individuals is they're not healed, and they're in environments with people who haven't healed either. And now, those unhealed people are gonna validate your issues. They're gonna validate your, your unwillingness to face those things.

• 18:12Lewis Howes?

  This is so hard because, whatever, guy friends, girlfriends, whoever you are, and you lean on people and say, "This person did this," and they validate you, you say, "Leave them. They're no good for you. You deserve better. You don't deserve that. They shouldn't be doing this," right? They start to validate to be on your side. But they're not healed either, if they're coming from that place. Maybe they're correct on certain things. But it's learning how to communicate to your friends in a healthier way, probably, also.

• 18:42Stephan Speaks?

  Well, but I think, yes, because a lot of people, they tell their friends the bad, and they don't always tell them the good.

• 18:49Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 18:50Stephan Speaks?

  So the friends have a very skewed perception of the relationship, or whatever situation that you're facing. But we also have to be aware enough to understand who we're seeking guidance from. Like, I, I may speak to my friends because I need to, uh, uh, to vent at the moment, or I want some feedback. But I'm fully aware that they are not the end-all, be-all to this, that they may be speaking from their own hurt place. I still can filter their perspective through the understanding of, they're not, they're not healed enough to give me full, proper, great guidance, alright? But they might give a perspective that I needed to look at. And that's why I will still talk to them, because I wanna hear different perspectives. I wanna make sure I'm not

• 19:33Stephan Speaks?

  missing any blind spots here, alright? So it's good to talk to different people, but only if you understand how to not just take them as, "Oh, well, my friend said this, so this is it." No, your friend may be broken too, and they're gonna lead you down a, a even more broken path.

• 19:49Lewis Howes?

  Exactly, so the conversation you have with some people, they're not healed and they're not helping you fully uh, because they're validating something that you don't need to hear necessarily.

• 20:01Stephan Speaks?

  Absolutely.

• 20:01Lewis Howes?

  Maybe some of it is right, but not all of it.

• 20:03Stephan Speaks?

  And not to mention, it can happen in other ways as far as like, I've seen people where the friend was in a toxic relationship, that they were unwilling to leave. So now when their other friend came to them about their toxic relationship, it's, oh, you know, give them a chance, oh, you know, cheating happens in every relationship. They'll come up with all these validations to stay because they can't look themselves in the mirror and tell themselves to walk away. So how they gonna tell you to do it? Alright, now, some people can do that. Some people can still tell you opposite of what they're gonna actually can, uh, are willing to do. But a lot of people unconsciously or subconsciously are trying to validate how they would handle things, or how they have handled things, alright?

• 20:47Stephan Speaks?

  So if it's, I would leave because someone called me out there, out my name one time, then I have to tell you that you gotta leave for that reason. I can't tell you to be considerate of, well, maybe it was a mistake, maybe this can be fixed. Oh, no, no, no, because I drew that line, you need to draw that line. A lot of people don't understand how to give that unbiased advice. So that's why you have to be very careful.

• 21:09Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 21:09Stephan Speaks?

  Going to friends and family.

• 21:11Lewis Howes?

  Healing is, again, a lot of clarity comes through healing. You'll be able to see things differently in a relationship if you are from a healed place. I think a lot of us, myself included, have stayed in relationships longer than necessary because we haven't healed something yet, and that's why we stayed in them. So would you say that people who have healed and addressed the past, the traumas of the past, the pains of the past, are much quicker to get out of a dating situation when they realize, oh, this isn't for me, like, I thought it was gonna work out, but I don't need to keep trying for months and years to try to make it work. It's not working. I'm willing to walk away. Would you say people healed are able to do that better?

• 21:52Stephan Speaks?

  Absolutely.

• 21:53Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 21:54Stephan Speaks?

  Basically, the more healed you become, or when you have become healed, your willingness or ability to tolerate toxic energy is diminished. You you don't know how to operate or how to stay in those environments any longer. Because now you see things so much clearer. It's almost like if you were to detox your body and start to eat healthy. Now you go back to eating some fast food and it will destroy your stomach. So your willingness to eat that bad food is no longer there, or at least it's diminished. Because now your body knows what healthy feels like. All right. So emotionally, once you get to a healthy place and you know what healthy is, you can't tolerate dysfunction as much anymore. You can't tolerate someone who does not want to face their issues.

• 22:38Stephan Speaks?

  You know, it reminds me right now, real quick, of even when it comes to business. Or you know what? Even when it comes to fitness. A lot of people, once they've achieved great success, or once they've achieved uh we getting that body they always wanted, they look at those who do not have differently. Before, they may have been in that pool of people that said, my circumstances, there's nothing I can do, it's too hard. But once you've achieved it and you knew what work it took to get there, now it's like, no, you're just unwilling. You don't have, you don't have enough desire to push past the obstacles to get the results you're looking for. And so again, when you become healthy, your willingness to tolerate this person just can't get past their issues.

• 23:23Stephan Speaks?

  It's like, no, because I got past mine.

• 23:25Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 23:25Stephan Speaks?

  I know what it takes. I know you can get there if you're willing, but so many are not willing.

• 23:31Lewis Howes?

  Let's say you're, you got in a relationship, uh, you got married, you've been committed for a while. And you, neither of you have healed. But then one of you decides, you know what? This isn't working. I gotta heal the pain from the past. They go on that journey, they get relief, they find peace in their heart, they're not triggered, whatever it is. They've started and have continually been on the healing process. But the other person continues to be in their own traumatic past experiences. What if they're not willing to heal? Would you recommend, like, is that where they should be able to work still? Are you able to find ways to say, well, we still love each other? And we have a lot of chemistry and connection most of the time.

• 24:16Lewis Howes?

  What would you say about that? If the other person's unwilling to heal?

• 24:19Stephan Speaks?

  I hate to say this, but I have to be honest. All right?

• 24:25Stephan Speaks?

  I can never encourage someone to remain in a toxic situation. All right? I do think that we can take an approach that says, let's see if we can work this out. Let's give them a little bit of grace here. And the main thing is, can we achieve progress? All right? Rome isn't built in a day. And if we've been behaving or we've been tolerating this dysfunction for so many years, we can't expect it to be perfect tomorrow. But are you willing to at least start to walk on that path and make progress? Though I don't want to encourage divorce, I don't, I cannot feel comfortable telling people to stay trapped in a marriage with someone who doesn't want to face their issues.

• 25:05Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 25:06Stephan Speaks?

  If you have freed yourself from that, you have healed. They've gotta be willing to make a move. And here's the problem. People, people are afraid to heal. Or people are afraid to face the issues that requires them to heal. All right? Because you have to, it's like, I remember a quote, and I'm probably saying it wrong. To heal, you have to face the pain, or you have to dive into the pain, something like that. All right? So people understand it's painful to go and revisit your past. It's painful to let those emotions you've suppressed all these years come back out. And so now, your fear of healing or facing the process of healing is greater than your fear of losing this person. All right? And they think because you're married to them, you're not going anywhere.

• 25:48Lewis Howes?

  They're stuck for life.

• 25:49Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. So for that reason, there, that's not enough incentive to face their fear of facing their issues. The only thing that may get them to do it is the threat of divorce.

• 26:00Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 26:01Stephan Speaks?

  Or is the actual divorce happening? Again, it's not that I wanted to get to that point. I'm hoping, pray, everyone can avoid that. But the reality is, some people won't get it together until there's a real consequence on the table. And that will be divorce in that situation.

• 26:18Lewis Howes?

  So, okay.

• 26:20Lewis Howes?

  Let's say someone's like, you know what? I feel like I'm good. It's never been about me, it's been about everyone else. It's their problems that why the relationship doesn't work out.

• 26:28Stephan Speaks?

  Hold on, I gotta stop you real quick.

• 26:29Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 26:29Stephan Speaks?

  Because this is like hitting my spirit, I gotta say it.

• 26:31Lewis Howes?

  Give it to me.

• 26:32Stephan Speaks?

  The other thing to consider is that some people will never change. They will never heal. And the reality is that the person you're with is the wrong person. And the only reason you got with them is because you were broken. Had you not been damaged in the first place, you may not be with this individual.

• 26:50Lewis Howes?

  Because you wouldn't have chose someone like this if you were coming from a healed place.

• 26:54Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly, and if you were healed, you would have been your true self. Your true self may not have aligned with this individual. Now, I'm not saying that there aren't circumstances where people still end up with the right person when they were both not healed. I do think that's possible to happen. But a lot of people, I would argue the majority, when you, because I always say if you're not healed, you are 99% likely to choose the wrong person. So, I do still strongly believe that the majority of people are with the wrong individual. And that's marriage, relationship, whatever. Because that brokenness, that damage-

• 27:31Lewis Howes?

  Attracted something else that was broken.

• 27:33Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly, and allowed you to tolerate it. Or, it allowed you to feel safer in that environment. Here's the thing that people don't realize. When, when you have not healed, if you were to get with a healthy person, it would essentially demand of you from the jump to basically heal or step your game up. And again, people are afraid to face their issues. So to get with another broken person, subconsciously, it validates me staying broken. It validates me not having to face my issues because now, we all have issues. You see, as long as we all have issues, I don't have to face mine. But if you have corrected yours, how can I validate my own?

• 28:13Lewis Howes?

  Wow. What's your issues?

• 28:16Stephan Speaks?

  My issues?

• 28:18Lewis Howes?

  The coach always has an issue somewhere. What's your biggest fear or insecurities around being in a relationship? Or finding the right person or dating or?

• 28:31Stephan Speaks?

  So, okay, I'll say fear. And I'm being very transparent. I've never said this anywhere else.

• 28:37Lewis Howes?

  I know you haven't. Your biggest fear?

• 28:39Stephan Speaks?

  My biggest fear has been, can I remain focused and fulfilled in the relationship long term past a certain time? Meaning, okay, I have no doubts five years in, 10 years in, I'm still good. But when it hits year 15, this is different. And again, it's because of, one, I think a lot of people, the issue that we have, specifically even with monogamy, not saying that I'm gonna be going out there cheating, but I always say the issue with monogamy is that people struggle to maintain monogamy. And we struggle to maintain monogamy because we don't maintain who we fell in love with. All right?

• 29:23Lewis Howes?

  What do you mean by that?

• 29:23Stephan Speaks?

  Meaning, that person that I brought you and you brought to me, that made us feel like this is it.

• 29:29Lewis Howes?

  It's different.

• 29:30Stephan Speaks?

  It's different now. The thing is though, it can be maintained if it's the true you. Problem is, a lot of people aren't being their true self on the jump. So that creates a difference right there. Also, is there a willingness to grow together? And that needs communication, that means connection has to be there. A lot of people have not gotten with that person they have a connection with. So this is where for me, there's fear, but there's peace in knowing that I do believe if I'm willing to do my part to maintain who she falls in love with. All right? Whoever that woman is, when that day happens, I'm willing to do that. And that goes spiritually, mentally, physically. I have no problem sticking to the recipe that worked.

• 30:13Stephan Speaks?

  And I'm confident in one end because I say, you know what? I believe in connection. And I believe that that's the missing ingredient. When I look at these relationships that have failed and haven't made it past that 10-year, 15-year mark, I do think that the reason is connection was not there in most cases.

• 30:28Lewis Howes?

  So chemistry was there.

• 30:30Stephan Speaks?

  Chemistry may have been there at one point.

• 30:32Lewis Howes?

  Compatibility?

• 30:34Stephan Speaks?

  Compatibility, based on what they were presenting, at one point may have been there. But again, was it true compatibility? They weren't being their true self. And if they had not found their true self yet. But connection was not there. And I think a lot of people get with each other based off the hype. And that's the reason why I'm such a stickler on, okay, I have to make sure I wait for connection. Because I want to make it past those 15 years. I want to make it for the long haul. I want to be a representation of what I speak about. I want people to look at my relationship and say, I don't want it to be that fake relationship that people think is good. It's actually horrible behind closed doors. No, I want it to be amazing to everyone and inspire them. So I have to wait for connection. And me being a man of God, I have to wait for that spiritual guidance

• 31:19Stephan Speaks?

  that says, this is the one. That I can pray about this and God tells me, she's it. Because, you know, there's a lot of beautiful, amazing women out there. But everyone's not for us.

• 31:29Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 31:29Stephan Speaks?

  And so I think it's important to understand who aligns with you, especially as a man when you're walking in your purpose. And that's why it's so important for men to find their purpose. Because if you don't know where you're headed in life, you don't know who belongs on that path with you. So you've got to make sure that you know yourself, you know the direction you're walking in. And now you can see what woman can align with you. And you guys can walk together as a unit and make it something amazing.

• 31:54Lewis Howes?

  What's your definition of chemistry, connection, and compatibility?

• 31:59Stephan Speaks?

  All right, so chemistry, to me, is the art of getting along, flowing with each other, all right? Chemistry can be created, it can be destroyed. Think about it from a team sports perspective. You can put players together and they have to build team chemistry. So through repetition, through practice, they can get to a point of having. Chemistry. Yes, some people have instant chemistry, alright? But just as it was instant, it can also be broken.

• 32:30Lewis Howes?

  Instantly.

• 32:31Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly, you know? We can start to not get along and not flow with each other very easily. Uh, things can get in the way. And again, this happens even in team sports or even in the corporate arena where you have team building exercises. But then, things happen that destroy the structure of the business.

• 32:46Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely. So chemi- that's chemistry.

• 32:48Stephan Speaks?

  That's chemistry.

• 32:48Lewis Howes?

  How important is chemistry?

• 32:50Stephan Speaks?

  It is still very important. It is not the most important. And I say that to mean, chemistry has to be in every relationship for it to work and flourish. But it does not set the stage for everything else, alright? Connection sets the stage for everything else. So basically, if you have connection, you will be able to have chemistry and compatibility. But now, let's talk about compatibility. I believe compatibility is a very logic-based structure of putting two people together. It's also about, we're compatible in the sense that we share values, alright? So again, you can meet someone that you are quote-unquote compatible with.

• 33:31Stephan Speaks?

  You guys share similar values, you guys come from even maybe the same kind of cultures. There could be a lot of things that make you guys compatible on paper.

• 33:40Lewis Howes?

  Uh-huh. What is real compatibility?

• 33:43Stephan Speaks?

  Well, to me, that is real compatibility, so to speak. It's that, yes, you guys on paper are a good fit, alright? And you guys should work. But again, without connection, it won't matter. So I would argue that a lot of marriages, let's even talk about arranged marriages. Some of them were built on compatibility. Well, this person came from the right family, so we like this, they have a good job, they have a good education, they would be a good fit here, they share the same values. But when those two people are really alone with each other? It doesn't always hit, which is why if you go on an online dating site, it can match two people together that are compatible on paper.

• 34:24Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 34:25Stephan Speaks?

  But in person, it doesn't always play out the same.

• 34:28Lewis Howes?

  Cause what is missing?

• 34:29Stephan Speaks?

  The chemistry or more importantly, the connection.

• 34:32Lewis Howes?

  And sometimes we might be tricked. Oh, we feel this spark of chemistry, but you may not have connection. Is that true?

• 34:39Stephan Speaks?

  Absolutely, absolutely.

• 34:41Lewis Howes?

  So you might say, oh, we're compatible on paper, everything, we have the same values. We want the same things for our life, for marriage and kids and where our family's gonna be. We have compatibility. We have chemistry. There's some type of spark here.

• 34:53Stephan Speaks?

  Mm-hmm.

• 34:53Lewis Howes?

  I feel like, ooh, there's a little something down here.

• 34:56Stephan Speaks?

  And we get along and we know how to flow with each other.

• 34:59Lewis Howes?

  It's amazing. But you're saying if we can't find true connection, or if there isn't connection, can connection be created?

• 35:06Stephan Speaks?

  No. And so that's the, that's the huge distinction to me with connection. Connection cannot be created, nor can it be destroyed. It's either there or it's not.

• 35:14Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 35:14Stephan Speaks?

  There's nothing you can do to build connection. You can build a stronger bond, you can create a stronger attachment to each other, but that still doesn't mean connection is there. And, and you see this play out in situations where you have people who could meet each other right now, have this amazing connection. Something happens where they fall apart. They come back together years later, 10, 20 years later, and it's like they never stop talking. It just falls right back into place. It's connection. It's a deeper thing that's occurring there. To me, connection is your spirit recognizing its match. It is something that is happening beneath the surface, alright? Which is why many people who have felt connection, you can't always explain it. Connection does not always line up with the logic of compatibility.

• 35:59Stephan Speaks?

  It's not always, oh, well, it makes sense because of this. No, no, no. It's just there. You just feel something with this person. You feel drawn to them. It's so much deeper than anything you've ever felt. And, and consider this, you can be compatible with tons of people. You can have chemistry with tons of people. You do not feel connection with a bunch of people. Period. If we were to survey people who have felt a connection in their life, you'd be lucky to find many who can say two times.

• 36:28Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 36:28Stephan Speaks?

  The majority will say it's a one-time occurrence that has happened to them. All right, and, and, and being able to have that again, it's very difficult. Now, I don't want anyone listening to be discouraged if they did not end up with the person they had a connection with. I'm not saying it's impossible for it to happen a second time. But I will say that if you surveyed people, you would have a hard time finding that many people that say it said it happened twice.

• 36:52Lewis Howes?

  When does someone know it's connection and not chemistry? Because I feel like you might be tricked. We have this incredible connection. We understand each other. We get each other. I can't explain it, but I feel something. That feeling might be also chemistry at the same time, right? It might be masking.

• 37:10Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 37:11Lewis Howes?

  If it's really connection or chemistry, how do you know if it's true connection over, man, this is desire, connection, attraction, all these things happening at once?

• 37:19Stephan Speaks?

  One, can you truly be yourself with this person?

• 37:23Lewis Howes?

  That's big.

• 37:24Stephan Speaks?

  All right, because again, a lot of people, they go on these dates, they're bringing their representative. And the chemistry happens on a surface level with the representatives that both sides are bringing. But when you actually show your true self, now what happens? And a lot of people have not done that with their partner or the person that they're getting to know. So again, you're falling into the hype of the chemistry or the compatibility, but you're not discovering true connection being there. So you've got to be able to be yourself because real connection loves you at the core. All right, you can show me all the parts of you. I still want you. All right, number two is can we enjoy each other with no distractions?

• 38:06Stephan Speaks?

  All right, again, what people fail to understand, and this can happen with chemistry, is that We're, we're bonding based off of the activity or the, the, the things in our environment. Meaning, alright, we, we love going out together and we do all these fun stuff and we're doing all these things. And that's great, alright, we know how to have fun together. But can we be alone in a room, no TV, no distraction, no phone, just us? And still love being with each other? A lot of people can't say that. A lot of people are only able to be in their relationship and tolerate their partner. And I use that word strongly, tolerate their partner because they have enough distractions in their life.

• 38:50Stephan Speaks?

  They have kids, they have work, they, they have all these other things going on.

• 38:54Lewis Howes?

  TV, video games, man caves, whatever.

• 38:56Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly, all these things that pull them away from their partner. That doesn't allow them to face the fact that no, you really don't like each other at the core.

• 39:04Lewis Howes?

  Man.

• 39:05Stephan Speaks?

  And, and so that is a huge sign of connection. That's why like, one thing I suggested in one of my books was go on a road trip. And, and it's just a random suggestion, but go on a road trip for at least six hours. No phone, no distraction, just you and them talking. Will you still be happy after those six hours? A lot of people can't make it that far in a car ride with their partner. Alright, a lot of people cannot be in a room with, alone with their partner and nothing else to take their attention. So you've gotta, you've gotta really push those boundaries to see what do we really have here? If this is really gonna be called a connection?

• 39:39Lewis Howes?

  Right, and your fear is, are you able to grow together after ten, fifteen years? Is that one of the main things?

• 39:47Stephan Speaks?

  So it's, it's, you know, it's hard to, you know, you never, you never can look that far ahead. You know, and we don't know what's in store.

• 39:55Lewis Howes?

  You may not be here tomorrow.

• 39:56Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly, it's, it's a concern of can we still give that same energy? And it's both sides, because again, I, I, I'm not saying, I'm not perfect. So even though I'm confident that I could do it. What if there's something that throws me off? You know, it's just that, yes, as time goes on, there's that test of really putting your best foot and bringing that same energy that you brought in the beginning. Now, again, I think I'm holding myself to a higher standard than I think most people do, because I think that a lot of people's mentality is, well, things change. Things are gonna be different. It's okay. So what, you don't go out as much anymore? People think like this, but they don't realize that's why your relationship is deteriorating.

• 40:39Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 40:40Stephan Speaks?

  I don't want a deteriorated relationship. So when I think about, yes, can I be with someone past 10, 15 years? If I accept a level of mediocrity, of course.

• 40:49Lewis Howes?

  You don't want that.

• 40:50Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. I'm saying, can we maintain excellence after these 10, 15 years?

• 40:56Lewis Howes?

  Fulfillment.

• 40:57Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly.

• 40:57Lewis Howes?

  Fun, play.

• 40:58Stephan Speaks?

  Peace, happiness, joy, all these things. Because to me, what is the point of being here if we don't have it, if we're not operating at our highest level?

• 41:06Lewis Howes?

  What about, what about the saying that I hear? Whether this is a meme, or this is women saying this online, maybe you know the line better than me. If he can't accept me at my worst, he doesn't deserve me at my best.

• 41:24Stephan Speaks?

  I hate that line.

• 41:27Stephan Speaks?

  I absolutely hate it. And I hate it because it has turned into validation for not addressing your flaws and issues. All right? I agree with it from the standpoint of, you've gotta be able to handle your partner's worst moments. All right? Because we're gonna all have moments. We're gonna all fall, we're all gonna do, make a mistake. It's gonna happen. Over time, that's just the way it is. But when you are essentially trying to say, I have a horrible flaw, and you should accept it, even when I wanna consistently make you deal with it, no, that's not gonna work for me. I can't accept that. That's not, that's not okay. And so a lot of people, that's what they're turning it into.

• 42:09Lewis Howes?

  That's you not taking accountability and responsibility for growth.

• 42:13Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly.

• 42:13Lewis Howes?

  Going back to, okay, this is where I'm at. I don't wanna address it. You just have to accept it, and, or don't be with me.

• 42:20Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. You know, it reminds me of like, once upon, I don't know if they still say it, but I know at one time, people would say, arguing is healthy for a relationship. All right? I despise that.

• 42:31Lewis Howes?

  I don't know if I agree. I understand that. Yeah, I just don't like that.

• 42:36Stephan Speaks?

  No, at all.

• 42:36Lewis Howes?

  Can you, can you communicate with, with, we don't agree on this, but do you have to argue?

• 42:40Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. That's my thing. Disagreement is acceptable. Disrespect is not.

• 42:47Lewis Howes?

  Ooh.

• 42:48Stephan Speaks?

  Alright, so.

• 42:49Lewis Howes?

  Say it one more time.

• 42:50Stephan Speaks?

  Disagreement is acceptable, disrespect is not.

• 42:53Lewis Howes?

  That's good.

• 42:53Stephan Speaks?

  Alright, so my thing is, yes. It's okay and e- and even healthy to have disagreements because we have different perspectives. We can bounce ideas off each other. We simply have to know how to navigate that and come to an official decision on things when we have those moments. But arguing, arguing says we are being disrespectful. Whether our tone is negative, the words that we're using, you know, we're getting loud, we're getting angry. We're are, we're basically throwing negative energy at our partner. That's not healthy. There's nothing healthy about that. But a lot of people will say that because they want to validate the unhealthiness in their relationship. They don't wanna face the issue of, I need to learn how to talk to my partner better.

• 43:36Stephan Speaks?

  I don't wanna have to fix my tone. Why do I have to watch what I say? Because that's what an adult does.

• 43:42Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 43:42Stephan Speaks?

  Alright, grow up. You know, like, I'm sorry to anyone listening to this, but that's just real. We, we can't just think it's okay, especially with our partners, to speak however we want, to, to, to throw all kinds of insults, to be disrespectful and think this is okay. Because what people are not realizing is, all it takes is that one really bad argument to plant a seed of negativity that now grows into something worse in the relationship. A lot of people's issues are not the issue that they're facing in that current moment. It's the culmination of all kinds of things before then. It's the buildup from that last time you disrespected me or made me feel some kind of way. And ever since then, I've resented you.

• 44:25Stephan Speaks?

  And now in this resentment, I've given you an attitude. You didn't know what the attitude was about, cuz I didn't communicate clearly. Now you're giving me attitude, and now you see how it turns into other things. Now that attitude turns into not having sex with each other. That attitude turns into, okay, uh, the way that we talk to each other in, in general, maybe being. Becoming secretive because now we don't feel like dealing with each other anymore. And what you don't realize is it started from disrespectful arguing.

• 44:51Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 44:51Stephan Speaks?

  Alright, it can also start from some other stuff, alright, but arguing is a huge problem for a lot of people. And we can't just keep sweeping under the rug. So going back to your point about the whole, uh, take me as at my worst. Yes, worst moment.

• 45:08Lewis Howes?

  Not always like this and once in a while a good attitude.

• 45:12Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly, consistent negative behavior has to be addressed and corrected.

• 45:17Lewis Howes?

  So, arguments are disrespect. But disagreements is okay, is that what you said?

• 45:23Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah, disagreement is acceptable, disrespect is not.

• 45:26Lewis Howes?

  Yes, so you can always disagree and you can agree to not agree.

• 45:29Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 45:30Lewis Howes?

  Or you can, is that right, agree to disagree.

• 45:32Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah, agree to disagree.

• 45:33Lewis Howes?

  But you, but what I'm hearing you say is that arguing. Uh, saying what's on your mind in an angry, aggressive way. Uh, tearing down a partner is never gonna do anything good for someone.

• 45:47Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly, people have to understand. Whenever someone feels attacked, they will defend themselves. Even if they know they're wrong, even if the point you're making is actually solid. The way you're coming at them negates their ability to receive it. That's why even me as a speaker, my focus has been, do I want to be heard or do I want people to receive my message? Alright, if I want to be heard, I can speak however I want, I can be blatant with the insults, I can cut people down. I can just make jokes of everybody's situation because it's just entertainment, I just wanna be heard. But no, I want people to receive it, and if I want people to receive it, I have to be more considerate. More compassionate, I have to check my tone, I have to be careful with my words.

• 46:30Stephan Speaks?

  And that's why if people watch my videos, they'll see I try to be very careful with my words. Cause I want you to receive what I'm saying, so if we're in a relationship, we have to take that approach. If you want them to hear you, be mindful of how you're talking to them.

• 46:43Lewis Howes?

  Why is it so hard for people?

• 46:45Stephan Speaks?

  Because again, they don't, they don't want to face the, the, or they don't want to do the work of correction. All right. And the work of correction can entail the healing. And again, facing those issues, um, it's also conditioning. If people have been brought up in households and environments where this is how they talk to each other. It's, it's very.

• 47:05Lewis Howes?

  Hard to change.

• 47:06Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah. It's foreign to now speak in a more loving and positive way. It's foreign to sit and be quiet and listen. All right. So now they have to reprogram themselves and that's a lot of work. Um, and, and I think also the acceptance of the way you're communicating is wrong. People don't like to face that they were wrong. It, it, they don't want to have to accept that. So it's no, I have to dig an even deeper hole. And, and, and, and stick with this whole negative approach of how I do things because no, that, that, there's nothing wrong with this. Or I see other people do it, but you know, they're fine. No, they're not fine. They're not okay. You know, so I think those reasons, they just overall, they don't want to have to do the work. And so they rather make excuses for it.

• 47:49Lewis Howes?

  So it sounds like again, we go back to step one, healing. If you can learn to heal, you can start to improve the quality of your choices. Dating someone in a relationship or getting out quicker. You can be in a better, a more effective communicator in relationships, whether you're dating or in a, in a long-term community relationship. You can have a, a better relationship overall with yourself when you heal and with someone else. So can you give me a, a breakdown, a bootcamp one-on-one on how to recognize what you need to heal? And then how to start healing that? What does that look like for someone? Okay. I need to heal, Stefan. What do you mean by that? How do I do it? How do I get started? How long does it take to get healed?

• 48:34Stephan Speaks?

  Okay.

• 48:35Lewis Howes?

  Is this a lifelong journey? Is this overnight? What does it look like?

• 48:37Stephan Speaks?

  All right. So first thing, how long does it take to heal? It's gonna take as long as you're willing to put in the work. Healing is not a time thing, it's a work thing. So, when you hear people say time heals all wounds, no it doesn't. Time alone doesn't heal a damn thing, alright? It can help, it it does aid in the process. But by itself, it is no good. You have to take certain steps. Uh, so when people think, well, I'm gonna take a year off from relationships to heal. Why a year? And and if you're not doing the work in that year, that year means nothing. And that's what happens to a lot of people. They took a year off, but what they did was they hid from the world, they hid from relationships. They went in their corner, alright, and distracted themselves, but they never healed.

• 49:20Stephan Speaks?

  Now they come back out of that year, and they're still the same person.

• 49:23Lewis Howes?

  Hmm, or maybe they're not the same, maybe the first few months of dating, they're a little different, but then they fall back.

• 49:29Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly, because they never resolved things at its core. Now, in terms of recognizing what to heal, uh, my first step is, is called the who hurt me list, alright? So you get a piece of paper, you write down on the piece of paper, who hurt me? And now, every person who comes to mind, you write them down on the piece of paper. Uh, it doesn't matter how long ago it happened, doesn't matter if you think you've moved past it. If you think it's not relevant, if they come to mind, then there's some level of relevance there. Put them on the paper and about a sentence or two of what they did to hurt you, alright? This is how we're gonna start to locate what you've been holding on to. But you've really gotta go into this exercise very genuine. You can't be trying to control the narrative.

• 50:11Stephan Speaks?

  You just gotta let yourself feel, just ask yourself the question, close your eyes, let it come out.

• 50:17Lewis Howes?

  What's the question they should ask? Who hurt me?

• 50:19Stephan Speaks?

  That's it.

• 50:19Lewis Howes?

  Who hurt me?

• 50:20Stephan Speaks?

  That's it.

• 50:20Lewis Howes?

  And what if they're like, ah, I can only think of like three people that really hurt me? Should they be thinking of like, every instant they can think of from childhood of that one comment? Or should this be, this person punched me in the face?

• 50:33Stephan Speaks?

  Anybody who comes to mind. So I don't want them to force it, but I don't want them to under, undermine it in any kind of way either. Just whoever comes to mind, put them on the paper. Because even if there's a situation where you forgot somebody. If we tackle the big one, you're not gonna be able to escape the big ones. The big ones are gonna come out, they're gonna come to mind. If we can tackle those, then that might set the stage where everything else gets taken care of naturally.

• 50:56Lewis Howes?

  Sure, sure.

• 50:57Stephan Speaks?

  Alright, cuz now your awareness is gonna be there and your level of healing will allow you to see things differently.

• 51:02Lewis Howes?

  Cuz really, the big ones might be the ones that cause the most pain. And if you heal that, the other ones are just a pattern of the pain.

• 51:09Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly, and you will also start to perceive those situations differently, once you've healed from the bigger ones.

• 51:14Lewis Howes?

  Okay, so that's step one. Take, take a piece of paper, write it out. How long should this take? A few minutes, a few hours, depending?

• 51:21Stephan Speaks?

  Depending on the person, because, you know, for some people, it's gonna get heavy. It's gonna get heavy and that might cause them to wanna pause and take a step back. But I would encourage them, do not like walk away from it completely. Stick to it, but it can be as quick as a few minutes. Maybe it takes an hour because they may get emotional in the process. But just don't run from it. Um, but just, just do it. Don't even worry about the time, just do it.

• 51:46Lewis Howes?

  Okay, step one. Step two.

• 51:49Stephan Speaks?

  Step two. So step two, I'm, I'ma lay this out. I usually don't lay it out, but you know what, I feel like I gotta do it today.

• 51:54Lewis Howes?

  Bring it.

• 51:55Stephan Speaks?

  I gotta do it today. So, step two is we gotta get things off our chest, alright?

• 51:59Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 51:59Stephan Speaks?

  And this is where we do the letter writing process. So there, the, there's two parts of letter, or two drafts. The first draft is the most important. This is where we're gonna have essentially an emotional detox. We gotta get everything out. So let's say on the list is your mother. I always bring up mothers because so many people have mommy issues, but the world only wants to talk about daddy issues.

• 52:20Lewis Howes?

  Ooh.

• 52:20Stephan Speaks?

  Alright? And the society has made it to where it's almost wrong for you to tell a woman she was a bad mother or to criticize your mother. So we suppress that a lot more than we do our fathers.

• 52:32Lewis Howes?

  That's interesting.

• 52:33Stephan Speaks?

  You know? So let's say it's your mother and um, you're gonna do the first draft. And in that first draft, you're just gonna let all your raw emotion out. I don't care if you curse her out. I don't care if you wish death on her. I don't care what nasty evil thing you say. However you feel, let it come out. You've got to let the anger, the hurt, all pour out of you into this letter. If you don't know how to start the letter, start it with the most damning thing you could say. Alright, I hate you because, boom, and then just go from there. It's gonna start coming out. Once you uncork that screw, that's it, exactly. And this is where it gets heavier. A lot of people may take a lot more pauses in this process, alright? Cause again, so many people have been suppressing this for so long.

• 53:18Stephan Speaks?

  And again, it's like any other detox. When you start to detox, the bad stuff has to come out first, alright? And you can't get to a healed place unless you flush out all the negative energy. So this is why it's important. This is not the draft to be politically correct, to, to try to frame things in the right way. I don't want you to be considerate. I don't want you to think about, well, I did some wrong things too. Forget all that. This first draft is, let it rip. Let it rip, let it out. And I guarantee you by just doing that first draft, you're gonna feel better. You're gonna feel a weight come off your shoulders. You're gonna feel more peace to you.

• 53:54Lewis Howes?

  Great, that's the draft one. Draft two.

• 53:58Stephan Speaks?

  So draft two is essentially now, I always tell people, alright, you finish draft one, pray, meditate, whatever you gotta do, just get to a kinda level, place mentally, alright, calm. And now read the letter to yourself as if you were them. Okay? And now, so put yourself in their shoes and anything that now comes off as attacking, condescending, blatantly insulting, you're going to change it. You're not changing the message. You're just changing your delivery of the message, alright? And the importance behind this is twofold. One, we talked about it earlier. People don't know how to communicate without being negative. Their tone, their delivery is horrible.

• 54:41Stephan Speaks?

  So this letter's gonna help you learn how to take your negative emotions and thoughts and now turn it and reword it into a much more loving, positive message. Now, loving positive does not mean you won't say some things that aren't hurtful to them or a hard pill for them to swallow. There's just a difference between lashing out and expressing how you feel. Saying, this is how you impacted my life. This is how I perceive things. Rather than, you're this, you're that, you're this. That's the first draft. But the second draft is just you're just changing your delivery of the message. So by the end of it, you have fully expressed yourself, but in a more calm, loving manner. This is going to allow, one, it's gonna teach you how to be better in your communication.

• 55:25Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 55:26Stephan Speaks?

  But also, and this is the part people aren't gonna like, and I won't go too deep into this part. For those who may have to send it, and I would just suggest getting the book to see if they gotta send or not, alright? Cause it breaks all of this down. But for those who do have to send it, it's gonna give you a much greater chance of great things to come from that letter. Not that that's the focus of the letter. The focus of the letter is for your healing. So I don't care if you did send it and they never responded. I don't care if you sent it and they rejected everything you said in it. Because the purpose is your release of all those emotions, alright? And you've gotta embrace forgiveness, and forgiveness is another piece of this healing puzzle. Forgiving them and forgiving yourself as well. That's the real focus, but I have seen amazing things happen because of these letters.

• 56:10Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 56:11Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 56:11Lewis Howes?

  From people receiving them?

• 56:12Stephan Speaks?

  Yes. I've seen.

• 56:14Lewis Howes?

  So these are not, these are not letters that you send out that say, "You're horrible, you ruined my life." That's not draft one. You're sending out draft two, which is more of a place of, "This is how this scenario impacted me."

• 56:25Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah, this is how you made me feel.

• 56:26Lewis Howes?

  It's more of responsibility as well, how it made me feel, is what I'm hearing you say.

• 56:30Stephan Speaks?

  Absolutely, yeah. Because it's very different to accuse someone and attack someone versus saying, "But this is how I received it."

• 56:36Lewis Howes?

  Right, whether you're right or wrong.

• 56:37Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. Because also, understand this, hurt people hurt people. And, and some people might reject that because they say, "Well, I'm hurt and I never hurt nobody." That's a lie. Whether you realize it or not, you have hurt people. One example I'll give that comes to mind, let's say you're a woman or a man, and you were hurt in your last relationship, and now you've become guarded. Now, to you, you're still operating as a loving human being, but what you don't realize is your guardedness is still hurting either the potential partner or someone that you do get with. Because you're unwilling to give them your whole heart.

• 57:10Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 57:11Stephan Speaks?

  Alright, so you still have hurt them.

• 57:13Lewis Howes?

  You're not attacking them, maybe you're not punching them or cheating on them, but you're holding back.

• 57:18Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. And you're still undermining the relationship. So you're still hurting them, and, and you're hurting yourself because you're not allowing yourself to experience the full greatness of it. Because you won't fully dive in, because you're scared. And you're guarded, and that has to be fixed. But going back to the, the original point I want to make is, In that same mold, the hurt person does not always realize how much they're hurting you. We have to understand that damaged individuals are operating from a very selfish mindset. It's I'm protecting myself. Think about the person who is overly critical of everyone else. They're always criticizing, criticizing, criticizing. They're not doing it because their intention is to hurt others.

• 58:02Stephan Speaks?

  They're doing it because they want to keep the spotlight off of them and to protect themselves from criticism. So I'm gonna hit you before you hit me.

• 58:10Lewis Howes?

  Dang.

• 58:10Stephan Speaks?

  Alright, so again, a lot of our parents, the things that they did, they did not understand. And even if they had some semblance of an idea, they're so caught up in their own feelings, they're blinded by it. So a lot of times, this letter basically takes the blinders off. When you do it in that loving manner, because like I said earlier, do you want to be heard? Or do you want them to receive the message? The yelling, the screaming, the lashing out, they heard that. Because you may have done that with them in the past. But they never received you in that moment. Now, expressing yourself in a calm, loving manner, they can't help but receive you. And even those who reject what you're saying, trust me, it has hit them in a way nothing else has.

• 58:53Stephan Speaks?

  And I've seen situations where the offender has broken down in tears after realizing how bad they were being. But they never connected with that previously because their emotions, their feelings blinded them from that.

• 59:08Stephan Speaks?

  It's a lot, man.

• 59:10Lewis Howes?

  First two steps sound like a pretty deep work.

• 59:12Stephan Speaks?

  It is. It is absolutely deep work, but it's necessary work. I mean, listen, no one says healing is easy, but it's necessary and it's absolutely worth it. And it's a game changer. Like, I just don't think people understand how much better your life will be. And you know what? Let's take a moment to say, this isn't even about your emotional relationship life. It's about your overall quality of life. A lot of people's illnesses are from a lack of emotional health, alright?

• 59:39Lewis Howes?

  That's true.

• 59:40Stephan Speaks?

  And what we have to understand is, a suppression of feelings, a lack of feeling, creates emotional stress. Stress is now the number, is not now, it's always been the number one inducer of disease. It is the number one trigger that sets everything else wrong in your body, alright? If you cure stress, you cure the body. A lot of things, it changes after that. So your overall health, your overall quality of life is dependent on you healing and releasing that negative energy. So it's, it's so much bigger than just a relationship.

• 1:00:15Lewis Howes?

  Overall quality of life.

• 1:00:16Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 1:00:17Lewis Howes?

  Not just in that one relationship, but every relationship.

• 1:00:19Stephan Speaks?

  Every relationship, every aspect of life.

• 1:00:22Lewis Howes?

  So, do you write a letter for the thirty people that were on that? Who hurt you list? Or is it more, okay, pick like the three or two or three big people in your life that you really were affected by? Start with those letters and then keep going?

• 1:00:36Stephan Speaks?

  Start with those letters and what I have seen in, in, in all my years of doing this is that.

• 1:00:41Lewis Howes?

  And you're not, and sometimes you don't send it to the person also, right?

• 1:00:44Stephan Speaks?

  There's gonna be some circumstances where you wouldn't send it. Majority of the times, I would encourage sending it. All right? Now, again, I tell people that if you're a believer, pray about it as well. Um, because to me, God, you do the ultimate answer in that. But I do believe that the vast majority of situations, a letter needs to be sent. All right? But again, there are some caveats there, there are some differences. Uh, but, and you had asked, what again?

• 1:01:11Lewis Howes?

  Do you send a letter to everyone on the hurt list?

• 1:01:13Stephan Speaks?

  Oh, so yes, um, what I have seen from most people is that once you knock off the big ones.

• 1:01:18Lewis Howes?

  First three, four, or five people?

• 1:01:20Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:20Lewis Howes?

  You don't need to write a letter.

• 1:01:21Stephan Speaks?

  You don't have to write a letter to everybody else. Because again, every, you see things differently now. So now, think about it like this. You're hurt or how you took offense to something. You now see it differently after you resolve those other ones. Now you realize it wasn't even about you in those situations. Again, hurt people hurt people. They're just projecting negativity onto you. It wasn't even about you. They just took it out on you. And now, when you now start to not internalize people's actions, it frees you in a way that you were never freed before. You know, and that's why it's so important that we have to learn not to take things personally. Because we don't know where that person's actions and negativity is really coming from. A lot of times, most of times, it's not even about us. It goes way deeper than that.

• 1:02:07Stephan Speaks?

  And if we learn not to take it personally and not to internalize it, we can navigate the situation so much better. Because what's happening is you allow them to trigger you. Now you get into a negative space, now you fight fire with fire and the fire gets worse.

• 1:02:21Lewis Howes?

  That's been me most of my life.

• 1:02:27Lewis Howes?

  Most of my previous relationships, that's how I showed up, which was I'm gonna defend myself. You're attacking me for something, whether it's true or not, I'm gonna defend myself. And I'm gonna fight back. What happens when we do that with our partner?

• 1:02:43Stephan Speaks?

  We just make it a battle. We set the stage for more battling. And here's the worst part about it. We not just battle in that moment. That battle usually turns into saying something we regret. Doing something that we, you know, we didn't realize we did. Now they hold on to that. So now they take that one small thing from that battle.

• 1:03:03Lewis Howes?

  For years.

• 1:03:04Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. That creates more battles. So you don't win. You don't win trying to fight fire with fire.

• 1:03:12Lewis Howes?

  So what should you do if someone's fighting you with fire? How should you respond?

• 1:03:16Stephan Speaks?

  You throw water on them. Okay?

• 1:03:19Lewis Howes?

  A bucket of water.

• 1:03:20Stephan Speaks?

  And that water is love, patience, grace. And if they don't honor that, you let them go. Unfortunately, listen, if we're in a relationship, whether that be family or romantic, and we're dictating to them that, listen, the way we do things here is we have calm conversation. We be respectful towards each other. You know, we don't take this to a negative place. And they cannot honor that. Then you stop engaging with that person.

• 1:03:48Lewis Howes?

  What if someone says, you know what, don't try to tell me how to act and how to feel. It's okay to feel angry. It's okay to react at times. It's natural to let your, you know, let yourself feel these things. These are human emotions. And it's okay to argue every now and then. Don't try to tell me what to do.

• 1:04:05Stephan Speaks?

  Again, a moment. So if I'm in a relationship and we've set the standard of healthy communication, and my partner has a moment where she starts to yell and go crazy or whatever, right? And I recognize this is a moment. I might let that slide. And when I say let it slide, I don't mean not acknowledge the issue. I simply mean, okay, let her get it out. Let her vent, alright? Now, once it's done. Remind her to listen, we're not doing that. Like that hap- that was a moment. We don't make that a consistent pattern, alright? So we keep that there. I let you have that moment, but we don't get to keep doing that. Because that's unhealthy. And if you feel like, well, everyone should be able to just let up. No, that's not how we do things here.

• 1:04:47Stephan Speaks?

  Listen, everyone has to set the standard of what is acceptable in their relationship or acceptable in engaging with anyone. And again, this isn't just romantic relationship. My family knows. I don't argue. I don't argue with nobody.

• 1:05:01Lewis Howes?

  You can disagree.

• 1:05:02Stephan Speaks?

  I disagree, but we're not arguing.

• 1:05:04Lewis Howes?

  What's the difference between disagreeing and arguing?

• 1:05:07Stephan Speaks?

  Again, disagreeing is simply respectfully, calmly. And, and, and when I say calmly, we can get passionate. But we don't get disrespect disrespectful. We don't get negative or toxic. And we simply state our opposing belief.

• 1:05:20Lewis Howes?

  You don't have an attitude that you're wrong and bad. How could you think that?

• 1:05:23Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. Now, again, that takes a lot of practice. It takes a lot of work depending on how you've grown up and what you've engaged in. But that has to be the goal. The goal, and it's not so hard if we just practice and stick to practicing it. Like, we can't just keep making excuses for being all over the place and acting out of character. No, we have to set a certain standard. And we have to adhere to that standard. Alright, and if you can't, okay, then we can't keep talking. End of story. Like, I'm not gonna entertain, like, even in social media. If someone leaves a negative comment, I'm not answering that. For what? I can recognize who are the people that would just wanna go back and forth with you. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not arguing with you. I will state my case. You either take it, or you don't.

• 1:06:06Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:06:06Stephan Speaks?

  That's it. Speak your truth and leave it at that.

• 1:06:09Lewis Howes?

  Thank you so much for listening to this episode. Ooh, it was powerful. And the next part of this is going to blow you away as well. If you enjoyed it, make sure to share this with someone that you think would be inspired by this. A friend, put it on social media, tag me and Stephan Speaks as well. And leave us a review. What did you enjoy most about this episode? Share your thoughts in the review section over on Apple Podcast. And make sure to subscribe over on Apple Podcasts and Spotify as well, or wherever you're listening to podcasts. And I wanna leave you with a quote from Joyce. Meyer, who said, "We can improve our relationships with others by leaps and bounds if we become encouragers instead of critics." Whoo, I know it's easy to criticize partner you're with, or judge someone, and whoo,

• 1:06:54Lewis Howes?

  that is a recipe for disaster in relationships. So, if you enjoyed this, stay tuned for part two coming very soon. Can't wait for you to learn more about mastering your relationships. And I want to remind you, if no one's told you lately, that you are so loved, you are so worthy, and you matter. I'm so grateful for you, my friend, and you know what time it is. It's time to go out there and do something great.