Pod Insights The School of Greatness The HARSH Truth About Relationships That You Need To Know EP 1355 About this episode Jillian Turecki is a certified relationship coach, teacher and writer who for 20 years has taught others how to transform their relationships with themselves. Fueled by an insatiable curiosity about what makes a relationship thrive, Jillian has helped thousands through her teaching and writing revolutionize their relationship with themselves so that they transform their relationships with others. Be sure to check out Jillian’s new podcast, “Jillian On Love”In this episode you will learn, The three biggest reasons that most relationships fail. The makings of a toxic relationship and how to avoid them. Conversations to have with your partner to create a conscious relationship. How the path to healing comes from being in the right relationship. Tips on how to peacefully end a relationship. For more, go to lewishowes.com/1355 Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX
Transcript 17,958 words · 2 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 Jillian Turecki? Every relationship we've ever had will reflect back to us the relationship we have with ourselves. Period. End of story. And if you can't, if one cannot actually accept that, they're just going to keep you.
0:13 Lewis Howes? Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.
0:37 Lewis Howes? What would you say then are the three main reasons most relationships fail, don't work out?
0:43 Jillian Turecki? Lack of connection, for sure. Feeling like they're distant from each other, but they don't know how to create that same emotional intimacy.
0:52 Lewis Howes? They don't know how to reconnect, or they don't know how to...
0:55 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, they don't feel understood, they don't feel seen, they don't feel like... Usually what inspires us to commit to someone in a relationship is that we feel very connected to them.
1:10 Lewis Howes? Why does it leave? How do they get disconnected?
1:13 Jillian Turecki? So, you know, the number one reason that I have seen is stress. People not managing the stress in their lives.
1:22 Lewis Howes? They don't have the tools on how to manage, or how to regulate their emotions.
1:27 Jillian Turecki? Exactly. And how to face the demands of life. And the thing is, you don't have to know how to face every demand of your life. You can be stressed out, but it's the chronic stress. Because when you're chronically stressed, and I've experienced this before myself, and I've seen this in countless people, right? When you don't have the tools to deal with the demands of your life, and maybe some of the demands are huge. Maybe they're not so huge, but it's the way you're seeing them that they're so huge. Then you start to disconnect from yourself. Your nervous system gets completely dysregulated. You don't feel like yourself.
2:07 Jillian Turecki? And then what happens is that when people are stressed out, it's like they're shut down for business when it comes to their partner. Because we, if you haven't experienced, I don't know if you have, when you're really stressed, we become obsessed with ourselves. We become obsessed with the problem. We become obsessed with...
2:26 Jillian Turecki? Not knowing where there's a way out and look, sometimes stress is really, really intense and heavy and real and traumatic. But when we're in that, we're not actually connecting with the other person. We're not present with each other.
2:41 Lewis Howes? Yes.
2:42 Jillian Turecki? And so when it's, of course, it's gonna happen once in a while, right? We get mindless in our relationships. Sometimes we can be the most conscious, self-aware person, but sometimes we will be just mindless when it comes to the person we love. But yet, if it's over and over again, if it's over weeks, if it's over months, if it's over years, and then all of a sudden, you're like, you haven't had sex in months or years, or you haven't, you haven't truly connected, like you haven't had conversations where you're looking at each other in the eyes. You haven't had the physical and emotional intimacy. And so that is really, and it's like, those two people, they still, they would say, yeah, I still love this person.
3:26 Lewis Howes? Right.
3:27 Jillian Turecki? And then once it gets really real, then they're like, I don't wanna lose this person. I wanna go back to the way it was. But, so I would say that stress and then taking each other for granted would be the second reason why relationships fail. We, we basically, when we start seeing someone and we're falling in love with them.
3:52 Lewis Howes? We pour into them all this love and appreciation, and we see them, and we're grateful.
3:56 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, they're a gift, exactly. And then life happens and all of a sudden, they become a given.
4:03 Lewis Howes? Right.
4:05 Jillian Turecki? And so this person who you once saw as a gift becomes a given. And then people feel totally taken for granted, and that leads me to number three, which is resentment.
4:16 Jillian Turecki? People don't have the difficult conversations, they feel unseen, they feel unheard. And then you take someone, for example, who... Hasn't learned for various reasons how to assert themselves, how to say what it is that they need, how to have the difficult conversations, how to have the courage enough to dare to rock the boat of the relationship.
4:39 Lewis Howes? And create boundaries, or whatever it might be.
4:42 Jillian Turecki? Or create, or create bridges. You know, that, I mean, it might be a boundary that leads to a bridge. I mean, the whole point of a boundary is so that there's more connection, not less.
4:53 Lewis Howes? Right.
4:54 Jillian Turecki? So then they, they stew in their own resentment, and it becomes like bloody hell for the person, you know? It becomes like contempt, and then all of a sudden,
5:05 Jillian Turecki? you're looking at that person and you're like, I hate them. They love them, but you're like, I hate them. And so it's the stress, it's the taking people for granted and the resentment. And the stress, I think, is the bigger umbrella under which all the rest rests.
5:22 Lewis Howes? Do you feel like people should even enter into a committed long-term relationship if they don't, if they haven't yet figured out the tools for managing stress in their own life?
5:31 Jillian Turecki? No, I think that they can, but they, they can learn the tools while they're in a relationship.
5:36 Lewis Howes? But if they don't learn the tools in the relationship, then what?
5:40 Jillian Turecki? Then it's going to be a problem. I mean, so let's just say
5:44 Jillian Turecki? someone doesn't know how to manage their stress, just their day-to-day stuff, right? Like, everything is a big deal, or they're freaking out over money, they're freaking out over this or that, and they come home and they're just always on their phone dealing with their stress, and then their partner's like, well, what about me? Right?
6:01 Lewis Howes? Right, right, right.
6:02 Jillian Turecki? You know, and then it gets really tiring. It's like, well, what about me? And then, then, then partner B will say, will try to like, maybe like, if they're super codependent, like, overcompensate, like, let me help this person with their stress, let me heal them, because that wanting to heal their partner of their stress is just so they can get their partner back.
6:21 Lewis Howes? Back to peace, back to a place of like, hey, we're together.
6:24 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, we're together, like, you know, like, you love me again, you're looking at me again, I matter again.
6:30 Lewis Howes? Yeah, so stress, what I'm hearing you say, based on all the conversations, the coaching that you've done with people. If people can learn to minimize their stress or navigate their stress in a healthier way.
6:41 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
6:43 Lewis Howes? Then they can get back to being there with their partner in moments that matter.
6:47 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
6:47 Lewis Howes? And showing them the affection, the attention, or the presence that your partner needs.
6:52 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
6:53 Lewis Howes? It doesn't mean you have to be perfect every day, but it's like you're consistent in that attention.
6:57 Jillian Turecki? Yes, exactly, because what happens when we're really stressed is that we get in our heads. And we ruminate, and we obsess.
7:06 Lewis Howes? Analyze.
7:07 Jillian Turecki? Analyze, I mean, you know, I've been the queen of that, so I can speak very confidently about that, you know. And most people just, it's hard not to live in your head. You, one needs consistent daily practices to not live in your head. Now, some people have a natural proclivity to really go with the flow of life more, but I see that way less than I see people who live in their heads. And so, let's say you have one or two people and they're in a relationship, and they're always in their heads, they're not connecting.
7:41 Lewis Howes? With the other.
7:42 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, they're not connecting with the other, exactly. And so, that really is the cause of so many relationships ending that not enough people talk about.
7:53 Lewis Howes? Is that like a personality type thing to be aware of? Like, understanding when you're meeting someone, are they an analytical person who's always in their head? If so, just because they're charismatic in one way, or just because they're talented here, or because they have status, doesn't mean it's going to be a great relationship long term.
8:12 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, I mean, it's a good question. I mean, I think that there are a lot of people. I struggle to put people in too many boxes, because I've also known people who can be credibly neurotic and analytical, and in their heads, and brilliant that way, but somehow, they just make their lover feel like a million bucks. And yes, maybe sometimes, they get too in their head, but they're really responsive to their partner's feedback, when they're like, you've been too in your head, and they're like, okay, I'm gonna wake up.
8:42 Lewis Howes? Right, right.
8:43 Jillian Turecki? Because we're not perfect.
8:44 Lewis Howes? But then you gotta, then you gotta find someone who's responsive to feedback.
8:47 Jillian Turecki? And that's actually.
8:48 Lewis Howes? And receptive to it.
8:49 Jillian Turecki? And that's the more important skill. Not to not never be, you have to have important, you have to have daily practices to deal with your stress. But life happens. But to be responsive to feedback, I feel like that's really one of the most underrated relationship skills. You have to, you have to, I've actually just been talking about this recently a lot, so I guess here we go. When you're in a relationship with someone, it's so important, and you and I talked about this a little bit, to have an aligned vision of how, you can't be the same, but you have to have an aligned vision of how you want your relationship to be, how your lifestyle you want it to be. And in that, if there's real true emotional intimacy between two people,
9:32 Jillian Turecki? they're gonna know, like, you're gonna know what is most important to your girlfriend, to your partner, however you call her, right? And she is gonna know what's really important to you, separate from the relationship, right? You're gonna know what their path is, and they're gonna know what your path is. And I think that a relationship skill that's really worth honing is holding each other accountable to that. Meaning, if we see that the person we love is veering off their path too much, to be able to compassionately and with a lot of love, just saying, "I love you, but like, what's going on?"
10:12 Lewis Howes? I think that's, yeah, that's the approach. It's interesting, because when I first started dating Martha, my girlfriend, I was like, "Listen, I'm, my intention is to never get mad or react at you about anything you do." Now, this was after months of us dating and me really getting to know her, and me then being in full acceptance of who she is as a person. Not trying to change her, not saying, "I wish she did these things," not saying she has the potential to do something. This is who she is, and I'm choosing to accept you fully for who you are. And so I said, but I have certain standards that I want us to create agreements on. So we talked a lot about these things early on.
10:55 Lewis Howes? And one of them was never to jump to judgment at me without context. Right, without like compassionate context and support. I was like, this is something I'm working on where it's like if I feel like someone's just jumping at me with judgment, it's hard for me to receive it.
11:13 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
11:13 Lewis Howes? It's hard for me to receive it, especially if I feel like I've been showing up fully. If I feel like I've been putting in the energy and the attention and I've been, you know, being there in the relationship. Say that I've been being there, you know, create the context first and be like, man, I really appreciate how you showed up in the last few days around this or this and this. And there's just one thing I want to talk about, which I feel like has been on my mind that I want to give feedback on or however you want to communicate it. But start with the like, you've been showing up amazing. If I have been, you know what I mean? Or start with the things that I've been doing well.
11:45 Jillian Turecki? Yep.
11:46 Lewis Howes? So I can be like, oh, I feel seen, I feel supported, I feel acknowledged. Okay, great. Now, if you want me to bring attention to something else that you saw that maybe I could be better at, cool. Bring it to me, I'm open ears. But get my heart open first. Don't let me put up a block, you know what I mean? And I think
12:03 Jillian Turecki? Absolutely.
12:03 Lewis Howes? Just communicating like how you want to receive feedback
12:06 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
12:07 Lewis Howes? is important too. So you have an agreement around it.
12:09 Jillian Turecki? I think that's wonderful. I think that's wonderful. I mean, no one responds well to criticism.
12:15 Lewis Howes? Right.
12:15 Jillian Turecki? And people in general have a habit of focusing on what's missing rather than focusing on what's actually there.
12:23 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
12:23 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, and people, the thing is, is that I'll add to the list of what destroys relationships.
12:29 Lewis Howes? Yes.
12:30 Jillian Turecki? Selfishness.
12:31 Lewis Howes? Mm-hmm.
12:32 Jillian Turecki? And that's a really triggering word for a lot of people because it's, you don't have to be a selfish person to become selfish in a relationship. You can be a giving, loving person where none of your friends would ever describe you selfish. But we, when we feel threatened and uncertain in our relationship, when we feel scared in any way.
12:59 Jillian Turecki? We go into fight or flight. And in that moment, and in those moments, we can only think about getting our needs met.
13:10 Lewis Howes? Survival mode.
13:11 Jillian Turecki? And we go into survival mode. And we don't, and we think, they have to change, they have to do this, they have to do that because if not, then something's gonna get wrong, something's gonna go wrong in our relationship. So people get very, very fearful, understandably, because no one wants to be rejected by someone that they love. So we go into fight or flight, even if it's like the kind of fight or flight that feels super subliminal, and it's going on for months. And we are thinking, again, how can I get my needs met? How can I get my needs met? And then we go, like, we'll say, okay, Louis is veering off, you know, I have, I have, I have something that I have to tell Louis.
13:57 Jillian Turecki? And instead of, you know, saying, let me, instead of thinking to oneself, let me, not just open up their heart so that they're more receptive to me, but let me open up my heart so that I can really appreciate inside of me how wonderful this person is, that I can see their beauty, and I can see who they are. And then bring up the, the feedback, not the criticism.
14:27 Lewis Howes? Bring the vulnerability and the intimacy to the conversation from yourself first.
14:32 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
14:33 Lewis Howes? In order to create that space for the courageous conversation to happen.
14:37 Jillian Turecki? Absolutely. But it gets complicated because people get really scared. You know, they feel unseen and the resentment builds up. And so it's, it's like, it's a peeling away of the onion to really figure out like what's happening, but...
14:52 Jillian Turecki? The answer is always simple, it's just not easy.
14:54 Lewis Howes? Yeah. Something I do with Martha, I don't know if I do this every week, but frequently I'll say, "What can I do to be a better partner? Is there anything I can do to be a better partner?" And she hasn't said anything yet. She's like, "You're an amazing partner." But I think it's because we're so proactive in the conversations. And I have this kind of philosophy that I've been putting together recently about how the best approach to enter a conscious relationship, to minimize as much friction as possible and be in more of a state of peace and harmony and alignment, rather than survival and stress.
15:36 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
15:37 Lewis Howes? And I think from a lot of the pain that I've been experiencing over the last 20 years, it got me to have some wisdom around this by applying something differently. I want to see if you can poke a hole through this, my philosophy.
15:48 Jillian Turecki? Okay. Bring it.
15:50 Lewis Howes? I've said it on here a few times, but I want to say it again for people who maybe haven't heard it.
15:55 Lewis Howes? It's eight kind of keys to entering a new relationship.
15:59 Jillian Turecki? Okay.
16:00 Lewis Howes? The first part is working on your own healing journey. Being aware of all your triggers, all your traumas, and working on the healing journey. I think healing is a journey. It doesn't mean it's like you're healed overnight once you start talking about it, but have an accountability process where you're integrating the healing experience. Whether that's a therapist, a coach, you're committing to doing something to process this in your own way. Before entering, if you're going to enter and you don't do that, then I think you're going to have to learn the tools of how to heal with that person. I think we're all going to be healing throughout life as challenges arise, but of the past traumas, so you don't bring them into the new relationship without being aware of them.
16:45 Lewis Howes? That's step one, healing. Step two, when you're getting committed with someone, before you get committed to someone, again, this is for a less friction relationship. Doesn't mean it's not going to be perfect. There's going to be challenges and adversity that comes, but to minimize the stress. Is to find alignment on love languages. So that the way you show up, we were talking about this before, the way you show up naturally and the way you give love is how someone wants to receive it.
17:15 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
17:16 Lewis Howes? You know, I, for whatever reason, I tended to choose people that wanted like gifts and acts of service. And it was always like, I don't care about giving gifts, but I'm like an affectionate person and I like to tell you what I like about you. I like to use words and affection. So it was always like, I had to become someone I'm not naturally good at for someone to feel loved. So it doesn't mean I have to be perfect, but like being in alignment of your love languages. But the way you show up is naturally how someone receives love and vice versa. Again, friction, less friction, that's the goal, not perfect. That's two. Number three, four and five is being aligned on your values, vision and your lifestyle for life. I think if you have completely opposite values, it's going to be challenging.
18:00 Lewis Howes? You might have a chemical connection in the beginning, but eventually when your values are off, there's going to be friction. Same thing with the vision of your life and a relationship. What do we want? Do we want to have kids together? Do we want to be raised in a religion? How do you think about money? Like the vision, where is this relationship going? Love or that chemical feeling of love is not enough if the vision is two opposite ways. And then lifestyle, you know, do we like to go out and adventure? Do we like to travel together? Or, um, you know, is one person want to be out all the time and drinking? And the other person wants to be at home watching Netflix? That's just going to be more friction. And one person has to sacrifice who they are to make someone else feel more connected. As opposed to both having a shared alignment. Doesn't have to be perfect, but some similarities there.
18:45 Lewis Howes? So that's three, four and five. And then six would be, this was a, I don't know if this is unpopular or not, but I told Martha before we got committed, we were dating for a number of months, right? I said, the only way this works for me is if we both commit to therapy together from the start.
19:09 Jillian Turecki? Together as a couple.
19:10 Lewis Howes? As a couple and individually. Cause healing is a journey and processing and integrating is a journey. And, and a big value of mine is personal growth. And that means both of us individually and together. Cause if one is growing and the other one's like, I'm good, I don't need to learn anymore in life, there's gonna be a disconnect. So I said, I've always wanted to do this, no partner I've wanted to have been with in the past, wanted to do this. And I'm not gonna abandon myself anymore. And if that's not something you wanna do, then cool, then we don't need to be together, it's fine. If that's not a value for yours to have personal growth and accountability of our emotions. Cool, then we're just not a good fit, it's all good. And she was like, yeah, I'm down.
19:52 Lewis Howes? And it's been incredible because at any moment, there is some friction or like, oh, this doesn't feel as comfortable. We take it there and we address it early as opposed to when it's late and you're stressed out. We dress it, we figure out what's the root cause of that feeling and we create an agreement that we both align to. So we have a shared language and agreements and we have a third party who has witnessed the agreement. So one person can't say, oh, you never said this, right? Which always tends to happen. We agreed to this 10 years ago, no, I never said that, you know? Just having that accountability and responsibility on both parties and both individually growing. Once that has happened, those six things.
20:34 Lewis Howes? Me saying, okay, before I fully commit and accept you in this committed relationship. Again, doesn't mean it's gonna be perfect, all these things, but before I commit.
20:47 Lewis Howes? My relationship has to be a relationship of service. And we need to have a shared value that service is at the heart of our relationship. Service of each other, service of ourselves, to make sure we're taking care of it individually, and in service of our community and the world. However that looks, as big as small as we want to make it, but it can't just be about us. It needs to be something bigger than us when we come together. And are you open and aligned to a service-based relationship?
21:16 Jillian Turecki? You are not messing around.
21:17 Lewis Howes? Not messing around?
21:18 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
21:18 Lewis Howes? Why? Why go through suffering and pain without having clarity and finding alignment? She was like, yes, service, let's do it. Great, what does this look like? Having those conversations and being aligned, it doesn't have to be perfect, it's being aligned. That's number seven. Number eight, because once that's all taken care of, and you're witnessing behaviors matching words, which is really important. Some people could say this is a value, but not show up in life that way, right? They can say I'm in service, but then they don't, you know, all these things. So having the time and space to witness actions based on their words and behaviors, then saying, I fully accept the human being you are, before committing.
22:01 Lewis Howes? I fully accept, I'm not gonna change you, I'm not gonna get upset at you. Why would I get upset at you? Why would I get angry? Why would I, if I have an alignment of all these things, what could I possibly make you, make me upset? That means I don't have the tools for stress management or emotional regulation. So if I fully understand who you are and I accept you, then I shouldn't be upset. We can have conscious conversations that maybe they're uncomfortable. Maybe it's like, oh, I didn't like that, but I should never raise my voice, I should never yell. I should never get into these places that are unconscious. If we have consistent therapy, if we're in alignment, we've created agreements, we communicate conscious and lovingly with each other, and that means you need to fully accept the human being I am, you know?
22:45 Lewis Howes? I travel, I've got my business, I've got these things, I've got my priorities, and you're an actor, you're, you know, on set with guys, you're kissing guys in movies. I have to accept that's who you are, you know, or what you've done in your acting life in the past, right? Am I okay with that? Knowing I don't want to change you. And once that, and we both need to be in agreement of acceptance of each other.
23:09 Lewis Howes? That was the kind of the eight steps that I've been like discovering and creating the last couple of years that has again supported a healthy conscious relationship. Again, it's not perfect.
23:19 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
23:19 Lewis Howes? But supporting less friction.
23:22 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
23:23 Lewis Howes? More peace and harmony, more love and less stress, which I think is what people want in a relationship. They don't want to enter a stressful relationship.
23:31 Jillian Turecki? No.
23:32 Lewis Howes? They want to feel peace and love.
23:33 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
23:34 Lewis Howes? And again.
23:35 Jillian Turecki? In theory.
23:36 Lewis Howes? In theory, right? Yeah, unless they're used to that and they're familiar with it and they enter because of what they're familiar to.
23:42 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
23:42 Lewis Howes? But it's been a beautiful process being in partnership with someone who is also in alignment, right? And who is willing to go on the same journey. And I'm not saying this is a, these types of conversations are what people want to have with each other, but I was just like, I'd rather be single and in peace than enter an unconscious relationship.
24:04 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
24:05 Lewis Howes? So I don't know if you'd add or take anything.
24:07 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, I want to take a stab at this.
24:09 Lewis Howes? Because you're the expert.
24:10 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, I want to take a stab at this. So I'm curious, I have a question for you. I'm curious, so what was, what was, what does commitment mean to you? Like, how long did it take until you were like, okay, I commit to you?
24:22 Lewis Howes? Three months. Three months of.
24:24 Jillian Turecki? Was it exclusive for three months?
24:26 Lewis Howes? It was, we did not, we did not go there sexually.
24:31 Jillian Turecki? Okay.
24:32 Lewis Howes? For three months.
24:32 Jillian Turecki? Okay.
24:33 Lewis Howes? Right? So there was a dating period for three months and I.
24:38 Jillian Turecki? So you waited.
24:39 Lewis Howes? I said, I'm waiting.
24:40 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, see, that's what I.
24:41 Lewis Howes? I committed and I said, I'm waiting, we're not doing this. And she was like, yeah, cool. I wish.
24:46 Jillian Turecki? And that's what I tell on my single.
24:47 Lewis Howes? And that was the best decision because chemical confusion could, is the, it's one of the hardest things to overcome. The sexual chemical bonding.
24:59 Jillian Turecki? Forget it.
25:00 Lewis Howes? Confuses you from.
25:01 Jillian Turecki? It's crack.
25:02 Lewis Howes? Spiritual connection.
25:03 Jillian Turecki? It's crack.
25:04 Lewis Howes? You will forget all these values. You're just like, oh, I love this feeling.
25:06 Jillian Turecki? Absolutely. It's crack. And less is not love.
25:10 Lewis Howes? Maybe that's step one, wait.
25:11 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, this is, and this is what I teach singles all the time. Wait, well, how do you know you're going to commit to someone if you don't know how it's going to be sexually? Okay.
25:21 Lewis Howes? Well, still wait.
25:21 Jillian Turecki? Still wait. Because I say you can't even know if someone is worth your time. If you don't feel safe with them, if you can't safely express an opinion when you're around them. And if you can't get certain, just core needs met.
25:39 Lewis Howes? I think that's huge. Exactly.
25:42 Jillian Turecki? And that's like, that's like the base, baseline.
25:45 Lewis Howes? And if you don't have the same values.
25:47 Jillian Turecki? Forget it.
25:48 Lewis Howes? But if you just don't feel safe around someone.
25:50 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, you don't feel, I mean, obviously the values, you don't feel safe around them, you feel like you can't express yourself. You feel like you can't be yourself, you know, if you're loud, you can't be loud with them. If you're really timid, you can't be a little timid, you just can't be you.
26:01 Lewis Howes? If you're not accepted, then don't have sex with them.
26:03 Jillian Turecki? At the very base level, you know, like, or appreciated, you know? The thing, so that, that list is extremely comprehensive and, you know, personally, I love it. Um, there are some things though, that, that, that I'll just poke some holes. I don't know if I'm gonna poke holes, but it'll be an interesting conversation. I don't necessarily believe therapy is for everyone.
26:25 Lewis Howes? What is the alternative towards emotional accountability and integration consistently? Cause I'd love to know.
26:32 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, well, some people, some people, they work with a coach.
26:37 Lewis Howes? I look at it as coaching.
26:38 Jillian Turecki? Oh, you look at it as coaching too? Okay.
26:40 Lewis Howes? I look at it as a coach.
26:41 Jillian Turecki? Or therapist, okay. Or a mentor, like, you know, like, like a spiritual teacher or something like that.
26:47 Lewis Howes? Some type of accountability.
26:49 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
26:49 Lewis Howes? Practice with someone who can hold a great space and you respect and you're gonna act upon.
26:54 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
26:55 Lewis Howes? So whether you call it a therapist, coach, spiritual, priest, doesn't matter to me.
26:59 Jillian Turecki? Okay, okay, then that, then that, because you know, something that I see a lot is triangulations. And when someone is going to a therapist and they're venting to their therapist about their partner. And then their, and then the therapist is getting on board with the person and there's a triangulation happening. So I've seen some really gnarly things happen.
27:20 Lewis Howes? Somewhere where you have emotional accountability.
27:22 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, absolutely.
27:23 Lewis Howes? Whatever that is.
27:24 Jillian Turecki? Absolutely. But it's interesting because I was just, I had lunch with a friend, a dear friend recently. And she was in, she does all the work. But she was, she was married to someone who was just awful, who wasn't doing the work. And, you know, part of, she learned that part of the reasons why she was doing that is because of her mother, you know, all that stuff. She's a brilliant, amazing person.
27:47 Jillian Turecki? And now she's in a new relationship. That's the best relationship she's ever had in her life. And she's like, Jillian, he has no trauma. I was like, none? I was like, there's always some.
28:01 Lewis Howes? Even if it's a little tea.
28:02 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, yeah. And she's like, he is the most, he comes from the most loving.
28:07 Lewis Howes? That's great.
28:08 Jillian Turecki? You know, so.
28:09 Lewis Howes? Good.
28:10 Jillian Turecki? And he's got, and yeah, he's got practices. But there are some people, and I do think that they are unicorns. But there are some people who are so well adjusted. And have been raised in such loving families that.
28:26 Lewis Howes? It's true.
28:27 Jillian Turecki? They can, I, I always believe that there's room for growth. And he has to grow for sure. He needs to grow. But he doesn't bring any weapons to a relationship. And the thing is, she's friends with all his exes. And they all say the most amazing things about him. They just didn't last because vision, alignment, lifestyle, wanting certain things being the same. So that's the only thing that I'll add. But it's just, it's interesting that there are some people like that. And I'll add.
28:57 Lewis Howes? Do you think it's good for someone to be friends with all their exes? While they're in a new relationship?
29:01 Jillian Turecki? It depends. It depends. What if that ex is from 10 years ago?
29:07 Lewis Howes? I'm asking.
29:08 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
29:08 Lewis Howes? Is that still bringing that energy into a future relationship?
29:12 Jillian Turecki? I think you can't have unfinished business with an ex.
29:17 Lewis Howes? I get it if you've got kids and things like that.
29:18 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, and you can't have unfinished business with an ex. But there are people who you may have dated 10 years ago. And it's like, they're like a sibling to you now. You know, and so I think that people have to be a little bit flexible.
29:34 Lewis Howes? What else you gonna add? I interrupted you.
29:36 Jillian Turecki? I know there was something, what was it? It'll come to me, but.
29:39 Lewis Howes? So you don't think everyone needs therapy? But you do think everyone should have some type of accountability?
29:44 Jillian Turecki? Absolutely.
29:45 Lewis Howes? Individual.
29:46 Jillian Turecki? A hundred percent.
29:47 Lewis Howes? That's not just their best friend telling them, whatever.
29:49 Jillian Turecki? If they want to have an excellent relationship.
29:53 Lewis Howes? Right.
29:53 Jillian Turecki? That's going to have problems because all relationships have problems. It's how you face the problems.
29:59 Lewis Howes? Navigate them, right?
30:00 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, do the problems become what define the relationship? Or are the problems the things that just show up that you work through?
30:07 Lewis Howes? Yes. Do you think one, a relationship can truly thrive if one person is developing and working on themselves and processing and learning new skills and the other person is not?
30:19 Jillian Turecki? It's very hard, you know, because people, I think growth is very important. I also think that everyone grows at different speeds and they grow differently. So whereas therapy has been very impactful for you, for someone else, it might be something, something different, right? There's many paths.
30:45 Lewis Howes? As long as they're doing something.
30:46 Jillian Turecki? Doing something, right? And I think that people grow at different speeds. And I do think that you have to love someone as though they would never change. Though the funny thing is, it's like, we want everyone to sort of grow, to evolve. But what it, but we have to.
31:03 Lewis Howes? It shouldn't be on their terms, right? That's what I told her, I said, listen, I'm committed to my own growth. I'm going to continue to grow and evolve.
31:09 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
31:10 Lewis Howes? But you've got to accept me where I'm at.
31:11 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
31:12 Lewis Howes? And if you don't accept me where I'm at now, that, and you want me to change right now into something that's going to make you happy, this is not going to work.
31:18 Jillian Turecki? Or fall in love with potential, which is a trap.
31:20 Lewis Howes? You cannot do that.
31:21 Jillian Turecki? No, you cannot do that. And also, what defines growth? How do you know that you're growing? You know, because some people will say, they'll go on like, you know, a retreat or do ayahuasca or do something and be like, oh my God, like all of this, you know? And the other person's like, whoa. And then, that doesn't mean that the other person's not growing. So it's like, what really, I think growing as a couple is really important.
31:43 Lewis Howes? That's why I said we've got to do, what do you call it, coaching or therapy?
31:47 Jillian Turecki? I love that.
31:48 Lewis Howes? Committing to it together.
31:49 Jillian Turecki? I love that.
31:50 Lewis Howes? Individual, on our own, and then together.
31:53 Jillian Turecki? I love that.
31:53 Lewis Howes? And, and she was like, yeah, I'm down. So she has her own coach that she works with every two weeks for an hour, an hour and a half to work on her own stuff individually. I do that as well individually, and then we do it together.
32:05 Jillian Turecki? I love that.
32:05 Lewis Howes? From the beginning.
32:06 Jillian Turecki? From the beginning.
32:07 Lewis Howes? Been huge for us.
32:08 Jillian Turecki? Oh. I think it should be non-negotiable.
32:12 Lewis Howes? That's why I said, I was like, it's not negotiable for me.
32:14 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
32:14 Lewis Howes? If it's not something you want, then then find someone else and I'll find someone else or whatever. Yeah.
32:18 Jillian Turecki? Because guess what? No matter how much work we do on ourselves, we're going to be triggered. And that inner child is going to come out screaming and we're going to be like, you know, total ass sometimes. And you know, we're going to have to apologize. I mean, being in a relationship means that you have to know how to forgive and forgive often because oftentimes we will make mistakes with the person we love. And we don't, we didn't even realize that we were doing that. I mean, how many times have you hurt someone's feelings and that was not your intention?
32:47 Lewis Howes? Yeah, so many.
32:48 Jillian Turecki? So many.
32:48 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
32:50 Jillian Turecki? So many times. So I love, you know, if more people, because the problem is that most people enter couples therapy when it's too late.
32:59 Lewis Howes? When it's probably not going to work out.
33:01 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, when there's just too many problems and too many things to unpack. I mean, yes, it can work, you know, it can help. But if you can do this stuff preemptively, it's huge. Anything to prevent resentment.
33:15 Lewis Howes? And pain and suffering and frustration.
33:18 Jillian Turecki? Anything, you know, to foster honest conversations, you're gonna, you're gonna win. Even if you end up breaking up, you're going to still win because at least it won't be the kind of breakup that destroys you.
33:32 Lewis Howes? Yeah, this like six months, like exhausting, painful.
33:36 Jillian Turecki? Exactly.
33:37 Lewis Howes? Hurtful, back and forth.
33:38 Jillian Turecki? Yeah. And that's true. You know what? That's trauma.
33:41 Lewis Howes? Oh, yeah, huge. And that'll hold people back from opening their heart in the next relationship.
33:47 Jillian Turecki? See it all the time. People are walking around so wounded and so closed.
33:52 Lewis Howes? What is the most unpopular thing or truth about relationships that most people don't want to know?
33:58 Jillian Turecki? I'll tell you straight up that every relationship you've ever had had one thing in common and that was you. Just like every relationship I've ever had is one thing in common, that's me. It's not that all, all of them cheat, it's that you keep cheating, you keep choosing cheaters. It's not that, you know, all of them are narcissists. It's that you're choosing the narcissist. It's not that, um, you know, all of them are this or that. You're choosing them. You're part of that. And.
34:30 Jillian Turecki? It's such an uncomfortable truth because, you know, people don't wanna see that in themselves, but it is the path to your freedom, a hundred percent. Every, every relationship we have ever had has been a mirror. And it shows us where, sometimes it reflects back to us where we've done a lot of work and it's lovely. Sometimes it reflects back to us how wonderful we are. And oftentimes, in their past, if it hasn't worked out, it's gonna reflect where our self-worth is, where our immaturity is, where our trauma is. Every relationship we've ever had will reflect back to us the relationship we have with ourselves.
35:15 Jillian Turecki? Period, end of story. And if you can't, if one cannot actually accept that, they're just gonna keep repeating patterns, guaranteed.
35:23 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
35:24 Jillian Turecki? Guaranteed. If your picker is off and busted because...
35:29 Lewis Howes? Man, mine was off for years.
35:30 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, because, you know, like, whatever, you're addicted to the chaos, or daddy did this, or mommy did this.
35:36 Lewis Howes? Which is familiar.
35:37 Jillian Turecki? It's, of course, it's familiar, and this is, this is very real. I don't mean to say it cavalierly, I mean, it's real. But then you better, you have to recondition yourself to understand what a healthy person is, and go for that, and become healthy yourself. Because most toxic relationships, of course, there are abusive relationships, where there is actually a very clear victim and a very clear perpetrator. But most of the time, what people refer to as toxic, which is just an overused term, and, you know, the current zeitgeist, but when people refer to toxic, it's two people with consistent, because we get unregulated once in a while,
36:19 Jillian Turecki? that's called being human, with consistent, unregulated emotional states, blaming each other for each other's pain. And not taking responsibility.
36:28 Lewis Howes? You did this to me. You made me feel this way. What you did hurt me.
36:32 Jillian Turecki? And they're constantly unregulated. That's toxicity. Now, I was, when in my twenties, in a horrendous relationship. Talk about chemistry, because once you have chemistry with someone,
36:44 Lewis Howes? You're screwed.
36:45 Jillian Turecki? You're screwed.
36:46 Lewis Howes? Screwed. You feel this chemical connection. You're like, this feeling, you're intoxicated.
36:50 Jillian Turecki? It's a rap. And the thing is, if you haven't done work on yourself, you're gonna have that chemical explosion with the one person who's bad for you. And oftentimes, the person who's the best in bed is the person who's the worst for you. And usually, they're just, you find, the sex is amazing with them because there's a danger and then there's also a familiarity. I mean, we can-
37:11 Lewis Howes? It's like a trauma bonding or something.
37:12 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, exactly. So I remember in my twenties, I was in a relationship with someone for about a year, who, without question, is toxic. Like, there's just-
37:22 Lewis Howes? Right. You could feel it. You knew it.
37:24 Jillian Turecki? Everyone knows it.
37:25 Lewis Howes? They're like, what are you doing with this guy?
37:26 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
37:27 Lewis Howes? He's treating you this way?
37:28 Jillian Turecki? Everyone knows it. It's just, it's a fact, right?
37:30 Lewis Howes? But why did you stay, then?
37:32 Jillian Turecki? Exactly. Where's the toxicity in me? The low self-worth and all of that? Because the thing about being in a very unhealthy relationship is two people really bringing out the worst in each other.
37:43 Lewis Howes? Not the best, yeah.
37:44 Jillian Turecki? Definitely not even close to the best. To the point where that, when that relationship ends, part of getting over that relationship is trying to overcome the shame that you feel for like, even going there.
37:59 Lewis Howes? Yeah. I was there. How long of a life did I have with this person? The time and the energy and why would I, how could I do this? And what was, I think, the shame, the guilt, right?
38:06 Jillian Turecki? Yeah. And also, just some of the things that you did. That's, like, how did I do that?
38:10 Lewis Howes? How did I react this way?
38:12 Jillian Turecki? Yeah. Like, that boundary that I do, or like, that thing that I said, like, yeah.
38:17 Lewis Howes? This is interesting. I ask people this sometimes. And I ask my younger self this now. I'm like, if sex was off the table, would I have stayed in certain relationships? And there's no way.
38:28 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
38:28 Lewis Howes? Zero chance I would have stayed after a year, two years of feeling like I'm abandoning myself, or getting screamed at every week, or whatever. I've been like, what am I doing this for? Like-
38:37 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
38:38 Lewis Howes? Why would I stay in this thing?
38:39 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
38:40 Lewis Howes? Whatever reason, that chemical bonds you for a moment, and it's so strong, and then you're like- Okay, well, let's have a few good days and then it goes back into chaos. And you're like,
38:50 Jillian Turecki? Yep. Yep.
38:51 Lewis Howes? Let's get back to that feeling, right?
38:53 Jillian Turecki? A hundred percent.
38:53 Lewis Howes? But if you took that off the table, or if you just waited, for as long as you could.
38:58 Jillian Turecki? Absolutely.
39:00 Lewis Howes? I'm not saying to wait till marriage, but if you wait until you get to experience someone over and over and over again in lots of scenarios, and you felt safe and peaceful,
39:10 Lewis Howes? then maybe, okay, you can start into that sexual interaction, but
39:14 Jillian Turecki? And you can make out.
39:15 Lewis Howes? Yeah, of course. I'm just talking about intercourse, right?
39:17 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
39:18 Lewis Howes? But if you took it off the table and you asked yourself, would I be in this if we didn't have sex for a year? Probably you wouldn't.
39:24 Jillian Turecki? Yes, exactly.
39:25 Lewis Howes? If I'm not gonna have sex for a year with this person, would I put up with this behavior?
39:27 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, exactly.
39:28 Lewis Howes? Like get screamed at, would I be yelled at? Like, no.
39:30 Jillian Turecki? Exactly.
39:31 Lewis Howes? I don't need this.
39:32 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, I don't need this, exactly. And people, they don't wanna wait. And I always say, build that emotional intimacy first. Well, what if the sex is bad? You know what? You can work on it. And when you're making out with them, you know anyway. You can have some idea if there's
39:46 Lewis Howes? It feels connection by making out.
39:47 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, if there's, you know there's chemistry from a kiss, period.
39:50 Lewis Howes? Exactly.
39:51 Jillian Turecki? So you don't have to go there.
39:54 Lewis Howes? And some, I've heard this a lot lately. They're like, if someone is boring, you should run towards them, not away from them. You know what I mean?
40:02 Jillian Turecki? If all you know is chaos.
40:04 Lewis Howes? Is chemical chaos, right? You should run to, that's a safer environment. It doesn't mean he's the one or she's the one
40:10 Jillian Turecki? Right.
40:11 Lewis Howes? to be with for you. But start looking at people that make you feel comfortable and safe.
40:17 Jillian Turecki? Yes, where you can, I tell people all the time who have that pattern of always just dating emotionally unavailable people or people that have been wrong for them. And usually what that person doesn't have the self-esteem necessary to be in a relationship with someone who is gonna respect them and love them. But I tell them, just practice, go towards boring. Exactly. Go towards that person so that you can have an experience of being in the presence of someone who you could potentially date, and you can just be totally yourself.
40:52 Lewis Howes? One hundred percent yourself.
40:53 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
40:54 Lewis Howes? Authentically you.
40:55 Jillian Turecki? No errors, no strategizing to get someone to be more interested. Yeah, you can flirt and do all that fun stuff, but no strategizing to get someone to be more interested in you. Just you. And that is, I mean, that's like revolutionary for some people.
41:11 Lewis Howes? It's funny, when I first started dating Martha, I told her early on, I go, If we hang out and you wanna like hang out as dating, you know, I'm gonna tell you 100% the truth about who I am. Everything about me upfront, I'm gonna tell you. What I like, what I don't like, what my vision is, what my priorities are, I'm gonna tell you everything and I'm never gonna change for you. Like you either accept me.
41:32 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
41:33 Lewis Howes? Or you don't, and it's not like you're bad or we can't be friends, but if we're gonna enter in a relationship, I need to feel safe and I want you to feel safe to be fully authentic of who you are. Your full expression, be it, flourish, grow. Like I want this to be an environment of peace and harmony, so you can be yourself and say, but I want the same thing in return.
41:55 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
41:55 Lewis Howes? Otherwise, what are we doing?
41:56 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
41:57 Lewis Howes? Why are we trying to dim our light in someone?
41:59 Jillian Turecki? How did you get to that level of confidence to be able to say that to someone?
42:02 Lewis Howes? I was so willing to be alone and in peace than replicate the same pattern of choosing someone based on the chemical connection, not the spiritual connection.
42:18 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
42:18 Lewis Howes? So I chose because of chemical connections, cuz I would just go there quickly.
42:24 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
42:25 Lewis Howes? And then I was like, oh, this is a great feeling, this, okay, I must love this person or like this person, let's see where it goes, right? And let's keep going back to that feeling.
42:33 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
42:34 Lewis Howes? As opposed to creating a spiritual intimacy and authentic connection without sex.
42:41 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
42:42 Lewis Howes? That was the game changer. And it took me, I don't know, 20 years to figure that out and multiple painful experiences. Because once I commit to something, then I wanna make it work.
42:52 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
42:52 Lewis Howes? Then I'm like, I'll change whoever I am to make you happy. Cuz I want this to work, right? It's like the athlete in me, it's like, okay, if this isn't working, who, who'd I need to shift to be so that you're happy? And then after two years of relationships, when people aren't happy, I'm like, I'm exhausted. I've changed every part of who I am, my identity, to try to make someone happy who is just not a happy person. Or we're just not the right fit, because we got bonded chemically, not spiritually.
43:18 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
43:19 Lewis Howes? And we never had the courageous conversations early on about what we truly want in life.
43:25 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
43:25 Lewis Howes? So I wanted a certain life, they didn't want that life, but we were connected. And that's why early on, I was just like, this is who I am. This is my priorities. This is my life. This is my lifestyle. This is my vision for my life. This is a vision for a relationship that I want. Is that something that seems interesting to you?
43:44 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
43:45 Lewis Howes? Without having the sexual chemistry yet, right? Connection, bond.
43:49 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
43:50 Lewis Howes? And her being able to critically and emotionally think without that sexual bond.
43:55 Jillian Turecki? Mm hmm.
43:56 Lewis Howes? And be like, clear minded.
43:58 Jillian Turecki? Very important also for a woman.
43:59 Lewis Howes? Clear minded, like, yeah, I totally accept this and I like this and yeah, this sounds good to me. And, and me and Martha did exercises early on, before we got committed. Uh, we went to Sedona, I took her to Sedona in a vortex and I created a vision and values exercise. Where I said, I want you to write down all your values. I don't want to see them. And I'm gonna write down all my values. And we're gonna look at this together and see, is there alignment? Or really, your key things in life are not the same as what I want.
44:28 Jillian Turecki? Hmm.
44:28 Lewis Howes? And every time we'd do this, I was like, this may be the end of our like journey of dating and, and this process. Um, because I want you to be so happy in a partnership. I want you to be thriving, safe, in an alignment of your, I don't want you to change your life. I want you to find a good match.
44:47 Jillian Turecki? Mm hmm.
44:48 Lewis Howes? That supports your life. And I want that for me. So I want that for both of us. So this was all before that sexual, you know, connection.
44:58 Jillian Turecki? Look, if more people did that, more people would be happier. I mean, it's also a huge paradigm shift when it comes to relationship. Cause we're really talking about like seriously conscious relationships.
45:09 Lewis Howes? Conscious, not hookup culture.
45:11 Jillian Turecki? Not hookup culture or not just like of the, the relationship of our parents. Where it's just like, there's very specific roles. Yeah, it's a completely different, and I, what I would just add to that so that people understand, cause I also worked with a lot of people that are expecting perfection.
45:30 Lewis Howes? Yes.
45:32 Jillian Turecki? And it's so important that, so one of the things that I have people write down.
45:37 Lewis Howes? They need to be perfect themselves then, if that's what they're expecting.
45:40 Jillian Turecki? And that's, to me, that's just too much pressure personally.
45:42 Lewis Howes? Too much.
45:43 Jillian Turecki? So one of the things that I have singles write down is, what are you willing to tolerate?
45:48 Lewis Howes? Mm hmm.
45:49 Jillian Turecki? Like be clear about what you will not tolerate, be clear about your values and your vision, but what are you willing to tolerate? Like, can they be a little messy?
45:56 Lewis Howes? Right, right. And then I clean up after themselves once in a while.
45:59 Jillian Turecki? Yeah. Like, can they, can they be a little introverted? You know, can they, what are you willing to tolerate? Because. You're, you cannot have your expectations so high. Like, can you, can you tolerate, like, I don't know, like, because people have like these really strict standards about how other people look.
46:23 Lewis Howes? In a relationship, you mean?
46:25 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, no, like, how they physically look and all of that. Yeah, oh, yeah, you know, like, this is my type and whatnot. And it's like, okay, I understand what, you know, we all have a thing about what we find, you know, stereotypically beautiful and what is our type. But chances are, the person who you're really gonna fall in love with, they're not necessarily the person that you would necessarily think, you know?
46:47 Lewis Howes? I've said that to Martha, I was like, 10 years ago, I don't think I would have been, like, as attracted to you.
46:53 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
46:53 Lewis Howes? She's extremely attractive and beautiful and sexy.
46:56 Jillian Turecki? Got nothing to do with that.
46:56 Lewis Howes? Right, but it wasn't like my ultimate type, if I say.
47:01 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
47:01 Lewis Howes? From like a wound.
47:02 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
47:03 Lewis Howes? But from a healthy place, she's like the best match, right? So it's.
47:07 Jillian Turecki? Exactly. When you change yourself, you change who you're attracted to.
47:09 Lewis Howes? Absolutely, yeah.
47:10 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
47:11 Lewis Howes? You're not gonna keep repeating the type that doesn't work.
47:14 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, unavailable becomes boring, um, you know, all the things that, when you're, because when you're so connected to what's really important to you, not just important to you in life, but what's really important to you in terms of how you wanna feel in a relationship. Because I really think, as I'm sure you know, that a relationship, when it's good, it has the power to really heal.
47:36 Lewis Howes? Heal.
47:38 Jillian Turecki? It's so healing, and when it's not good, it is, you, you could be killing it at work. Your career could be on point, you could have all the money in your bank, you could even have your health. If your relationship's not going well, you're gonna wake up empty. And that's just the bottom line, it's just how it goes.
47:56 Lewis Howes? And it drains the rest of your life.
47:58 Jillian Turecki? Oh, it's all encompassing.
47:59 Lewis Howes? For someone like me, it's very hard to be struggling in a relationship and not have some of that pulled into my work and my life and my, you know, it's like.
48:07 Jillian Turecki? For anyone.
48:08 Lewis Howes? Because I'm just thinking about it all day.
48:10 Jillian Turecki? For anyone, it's that intense, it's that exhausting. But when it's right, not perfect, but when it's right, you can heal, you can heal a lot, when someone loves you.
48:22 Jillian Turecki? When someone really sees you and loves you, it can heal the parts of you that don't love yourself, basically.
48:31 Lewis Howes? Wow. What do you think are three questions that everyone should ask before they have sex or before they get committed exclusively in a relationship?
48:45 Jillian Turecki? The three questions they should ask?
48:49 Jillian Turecki? Well, for sure, do you want to have kids or not? I mean, they might be at an age where that's a given, right? That there's not going to be any kids.
48:58 Lewis Howes? Sure, sure.
48:58 Jillian Turecki? Right. So, do you see yourself as a parent? You know, because I don't. Or I really must have a child.
49:11 Jillian Turecki? And this goes along with your eight things. Another question before they're committed is...
49:16 Lewis Howes? I think it's nine now.
49:17 Jillian Turecki? Okay, nine.
49:18 Lewis Howes? Which is something I did this time, but I forgot to add it down there. But I like that.
49:23 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, wait, just wait.
49:24 Lewis Howes? Wait.
49:24 Jillian Turecki? Wait.
49:27 Jillian Turecki? What does money mean to you? How do you like to spend it?
49:32 Lewis Howes? That's one of the biggest pain points in relationships, right?
49:34 Jillian Turecki? Oh, big time. How do you like to spend it?
49:39 Lewis Howes? Most people never ask that question.
49:40 Jillian Turecki? No.
49:41 Lewis Howes? And they just assume this person handles their money the way I handle my money.
49:44 Jillian Turecki? Exactly. Or they have money, or they don't have money, whatever it is.
49:49 Jillian Turecki? And how should we... When life gets really stressful, when the crap hits the fan in life in a big way, and we have to really meet some serious demands in life, what is going to be our strategy or attempt to find our way back to each other?
50:13 Jillian Turecki? What's going to happen, you know, when the baby is screaming and, you know, we can't have sex for a couple of weeks? You know, or someone's had surgery? Like, how are we going to address the elephant in the room? Are we going to make sure that there is no elephant in the room? How are we going to find our way back to each other? How much... More specifically, you said three. What's an acceptable amount of time to not... to go without having intercourse? And why?
50:42 Lewis Howes? How important is sex in a healthy long-term relationship?
50:45 Jillian Turecki? I think it's very important, although it's also critically important to note that sex doesn't mean the same thing to everyone. And so I think that sex is really important, but it has to be, once again, aligned between two people. There are two people who can have a beautiful relationship and not have that much sex because of the meaning that sex has for them. And whereas someone else, it has a completely different meaning. But I really believe that, you know, if you're not passionate about each other, whether, you know, you don't want to touch each other, then you have more of a friendship. And some relationships, some people are okay with that.
51:28 Jillian Turecki? They really are okay with that, so I'm not here to judge that. But I think that it's really important to feel passionate about the person that you're with. It's going to change over the years and you have to put certain practices into place,
51:44 Jillian Turecki? such as, you know, date nights and, you know, spending a little time apart but not too much time apart. You know, making sure that you're managing your stress so that you don't become rigid and tense, because the whole physiology of stress is the opposite of openness. It's the opposite. And so we don't really, we're not attracted to our partner when they're stressed out.
52:08 Lewis Howes? No.
52:09 Jillian Turecki? And we don't feel particularly sexy and in the mood to have sex when we're stressed out. You know, it's just not really sexy, stress.
52:17 Jillian Turecki? So I think that that's really what's more important, and I think passion's important. Yeah, to really pay attention to that. I also think friendship's important, and some people would say, you know, the friendship's overrated. I think it's all important. To work on all of it, as long as you have other people in your life who you have, that you have other friends. Your partner can't be your only friend.
52:42 Lewis Howes? No. Gosh, I talk about Martha a lot, my girlfriend, but she is, she's so wise because she has great girlfriends, great relationship with her sister, her mom, and her like family dynamics.
52:55 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
52:56 Lewis Howes? And she's also got her own coach, you know, therapy coach to work on just life stuff, whatever's opening up for her. So she does an amazing job of not coming to me every day or every week with the stresses that she's facing, or just the challenges, right?
53:11 Jillian Turecki? She has other outlets.
53:12 Lewis Howes? And she communicates with the women in her life.
53:15 Jillian Turecki? Mm-hmm.
53:15 Lewis Howes? To support, just to have conversations. It's not like she's dumping on people, right? But it's just talking through things.
53:20 Jillian Turecki? Very important.
53:21 Lewis Howes? And then, she's good. By the time I'm like hanging out with her or I see her at night, she's, she doesn't have to bring it to me. She does sometimes, but it's not from a overwhelmed place. It's from a, okay, I've already processed this a little bit. Can I get your opinion on something? I'm just kind of struggling with this. And it's incredibly healthy, the way she knows it. Because it doesn't feel like throwing a weight on your partner.
53:44 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
53:45 Lewis Howes? Every day, oh, this is the worst day at work, every day.
53:47 Jillian Turecki? The constant venting, which is different than going through a hard time and vulnerably opening up to your partner and breaking down to your partner, and your partner being there for you.
53:55 Lewis Howes? What happens when someone brings their problems to their partner daily or weekly? Venting. What happens to the relationship?
54:02 Jillian Turecki? It destroys passion, for one.
54:04 Lewis Howes? Why?
54:05 Jillian Turecki? Those are the people who stop having sex, because that's not when you're sexy, is when you're venting. And so, that's just, it's just constant venting and complaining is such a passion killer. It really, really is. And it's okay to complain once in a while. We're human. But complaining really is the passion killer. So if you're in a relationship, even if, if you're in a relationship with a codependent, they're gonna want to fix it constantly. A lot of men have said to me, I can't make my partner. Like, they're complaining constantly and I feel responsible for that. Right? So that's a big one.
54:42 Lewis Howes? And they can't fix it.
54:43 Jillian Turecki? And they can't fix it.
54:44 Lewis Howes? There's nothing I do where it stops them complaining.
54:46 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, exactly, exactly.
54:47 Lewis Howes? So you feel like a failure.
54:49 Jillian Turecki? You feel like a failure. So that's a really common narrative with the men who I've worked with. But in general, it's just, it's so, it's so exhausting to be around someone who's constantly complaining. And it's just, it's just a passion killer. And it's like, I think that this is the self-awareness piece. And that's a really, I think a lot of your nine points speaks to something larger, which is just a level of self-awareness. We all have blind spots and we will all behave and act unconsciously sometimes. This is really important. But we have, but self-awareness is so important to be like, oh, I'm complaining a lot.
55:30 Jillian Turecki? Like, this isn't, this isn't adding to the culture of our relationship. This is taking away from it. And so, I'm gonna take that vent to my bestie, who's gonna be like, bring it. And she's gonna complain with me a little bit. We'll just get it out of our systems. And then, bring it. It's really, it's never a good thing when your partner is everything to you.
55:56 Lewis Howes? You gotta have a community.
55:58 Jillian Turecki? You have to have, even if it's just, even if it's a small community, you have to have other sources of love. And people, they fall into these traps where it's like, you're, I only, not only do I expect you unconsciously to be my, my parents, but also my best friend, and my confidante, and my lover, and my this and that. And it's too much pressure. I, I, I can't imagine having to be that, all of that for someone. It's exhausting. So, it's really important that, that A, you are able to go to your partner for the really hard stuff.
56:35 Jillian Turecki? That you're able to break down when something is really, really hard in your life. And that, you know, that when your partner, when you're in pain, your partner listens. But the everyday grievances and stresses and all of that go to someone else as much as possible. You can do it a little bit with your partner here and there. But that, you don't want to be, you don't want the bonding between the two of you to be bonding over pain.
57:05 Lewis Howes? Pain and suffering and complaining.
57:07 Jillian Turecki? It's just, it's a habit. It's a nasty habit.
57:09 Lewis Howes? It's not a high frequency of energy.
57:11 Jillian Turecki? Not at all.
57:11 Lewis Howes? So you're not, you're attracting and connecting based on lower frequencies of energy.
57:15 Jillian Turecki? A hundred percent. And sometimes that'll happen and it just takes one person being, deciding to be the leader in their relationship. Being like, hey babe, we're doing this too much. Let's snap out of it. You're right. We're like way doing this. Let's snap out of it. And that's the camaraderie of relationship. That's the partnership part of relationship. It's like, yeah, we, when you said something about being of service, it's like, sometimes you have to do the hardest things in service of the relationship. You have to, you have to name the elephant in the room. You have to have the conversation, hard conversation, not just to serve yourself. But you're like, but literally in the service of the relationship. Our relationship needs this level of honesty. Our relationship needs this.
57:57 Lewis Howes? I'm curious about marriage. It seems like the institution of marriage has suffered a lot. Whereas people get married and then, I think over 50% now get divorced within five years or something.
58:10 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
58:11 Lewis Howes? And then Esther Perel said of second marriages, it's like 60 or 70% get divorced. And it just keeps it higher. You think people get wiser and you'd like learn after one marriage. But that's what I've heard based on.
58:24 Jillian Turecki? It's true. And I know why. Do you want to know why?
58:27 Lewis Howes? Tell me why.
58:28 Jillian Turecki? Because people, a lot of people, what they do is that they get divorced and they think, okay, they're the problem. I'm out of that. Or the relationship was the problem. I just need to find another partner and all, and everything's going to be better. And that's not true. Changing partners sometimes is actually very necessary because sometimes, like I said, your picker is busted. And who you choose to be in a relationship matters. But who we choose to show up as matters just as much. And if you, changing partners is, just like we said, love is not enough, changing partners is not enough. And so people get into second marriages, think this is gonna be better this time,
59:09 Jillian Turecki? but they haven't actually done the work, they haven't processed to understand what their part was in the demise of their former relationships. And you have to know your part.
59:20 Lewis Howes? Absolutely. I've interviewed a lot of people who have been together for thirty, forty, fifty years, and I ask them about like the keys to conscious, healthy relationships.
59:30 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
59:31 Lewis Howes? Over decades. Not perfect relationships, all that stuff, but just ones that continue to thrive and seem to get better every year, right? And manage the conflicts and adversities of life. And most people say that eighty percent of the success of a long-term relationship is who you choose.
59:49 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
59:49 Lewis Howes? It's like, like you said, your picker. It's who you choose.
59:52 Jillian Turecki? It matters.
59:53 Lewis Howes? And making sure there's alignment on things. And I think having the courageous conversations before you commit long-term, you know, and being able to get aligned. I'm curious, sticking on marriage, what's your thoughts on creating agreements? Having a written contract before marriage about what each person's committing to? Having a prenuptial agreement where it's like, okay, how do we? What's your thoughts on all that?
1:00:18 Jillian Turecki? I'm in support.
1:00:19 Lewis Howes? Contracts, agreements, prenups, so there's just clarity.
1:00:23 Jillian Turecki? I'm in support. Prenups can be, you know, when there's enough money involved, I think it's necessary. I mean, look, the romantic in me says no, but I'm also practical. So I think prenups are important. I think it's important to know where everyone stands. And I also do love the idea of having like a contract. It's like, we're gonna hold each other accountable, whatever these things are, and that we sign to, you know, whether someone adheres to it or not. I mean, I guess it's like the same thing, if there's a breach of contract, you know, I'm gonna sue you. No, but it's like, you know.
1:00:56 Lewis Howes? It's just having something where you've both agreed on.
1:00:58 Jillian Turecki? I'm in full support.
1:00:59 Lewis Howes? And saying, okay, three years later, here was our contract, and these seven things that you agreed to, you're not creating anymore.
1:01:07 Jillian Turecki? I'm in full support.
1:01:08 Lewis Howes? Or I'm not doing these three things, and I wanna recommit to this.
1:01:11 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
1:01:12 Lewis Howes? Because otherwise, if we don't do any of the things that we say we wanna create in a relationship, Why would it flourish? Why would it thrive?
1:01:19 Jillian Turecki? A hundred percent. I'm in full support.
1:01:21 Lewis Howes? Interesting.
1:01:22 Jillian Turecki? And actually, something that I wanted to go back to about who you choose matters. People, one of the, one of the issues that people face is that in terms of choosing people that are maybe just not well matched for them is that in order to know who is right for you, you have to understand your own psychology. You have to understand yourself. You have to understand where your vulnerabilities lie, where your weaknesses lie, where your strengths are, the trauma that you've been through. You know, if you've been, if you've had a rough go at life, then you're gonna need someone who makes you feel really accepted and safe and doesn't judge you for that. It doesn't give you a hall pass to, to bring that trauma in, but the reality is our past is our past.
1:02:06 Jillian Turecki? And so, understanding who's the right partner for you is not only understanding your psychology, but getting really real with yourself. Because people will say, "Oh, I just wish I was this person. I'm really attracted to outdoorsy people and I just wish I was more outdoorsy. Oh, I could be more outdoorsy." No, you have to be really real with yourself. You hate the outdoors. You might be really attracted to someone who likes the outdoors, but sorry Charlie, like that's not gonna be right, be right for you.
1:02:34 Lewis Howes? You can't sleep in a tent for three nights with bugs. That's not you.
1:02:37 Jillian Turecki? It's not you. You gotta be super real. And like that person who you're really attracted to who does that.
1:02:43 Lewis Howes? It's not gonna work long term.
1:02:44 Jillian Turecki? It's not gonna work long term. You could have a fun fling, but it's not gonna work long term. So really knowing yourself and honoring yourself is how you choose well.
1:02:54 Lewis Howes? Yeah, that could be the summer fling, but then it's like if you're with the outdoorsy guy who that's his, he wants that to be his life, six months in the mountains.
1:03:01 Jillian Turecki? Exactly.
1:03:02 Lewis Howes? And you're like, well, I'm trying to create a stable home with kids in the future.
1:03:05 Jillian Turecki? Exactly. It doesn't work.
1:03:07 Lewis Howes? Doesn't mean they're not a great people.
1:03:10 Jillian Turecki? It's just not gonna work.
1:03:11 Lewis Howes? It's just not what you want for the vision of your life.
1:03:13 Jillian Turecki? Exactly. And people have to get really real with themselves. And they don't. And then they end up paying for that.
1:03:19 Lewis Howes? What's been the biggest? Mistakes you've brought to relationships.
1:03:23 Jillian Turecki? Me personally?
1:03:24 Lewis Howes? That you've later had to realize and take accountability for, oh, okay. Yeah, I was responsible for this or this, or I could have shown up differently.
1:03:31 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, for me, definitely it's been in the past codependency. And what it looks like is, it's funny, you know. Relationships are funny. I mean, I've had some really beautiful relationships and I've had some not so beautiful relationships. And that's why certain people are gonna bring out certain things in you, whereas others are not. But I've definitely brought codependency and low self-worth to relationships, like depending on my partner too much for my happiness.
1:03:57 Lewis Howes? Really?
1:03:57 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
1:03:58 Lewis Howes? What happens when we depend on our partner to make us happy?
1:04:01 Jillian Turecki? Catastrophe. So, here's the paradox. I think that we need to be with someone who wants to make us happier. And that we wanna make, we wanna add value to each other's lives. We wanna make the path easier, but no one can walk our path but ourselves. And so, what happens is that, and it's unconscious, you know, and it's part of it is also conditioning. It's like, be with someone who makes you happy, this or that, you know? The problem is that if you don't feel, at least mostly whole, you know, we all have our things that we're dealing with. But if you feel really fragmented and you think a relationship or another person is going to actually bring all the pieces together,
1:04:46 Jillian Turecki? then what's gonna happen is that you're gonna be really disappointed, because then you're relying on another fallible, flawed human.
1:04:54 Lewis Howes? Imperfect human.
1:04:55 Jillian Turecki? Imperfect human. And you're gonna have all these expectations and your shoulders are gonna be crushed by the weight of failed expectations, constantly.
1:05:07 Jillian Turecki? But, you know, so yeah, I've done that.
1:05:10 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
1:05:12 Jillian Turecki? Not really standing on my own two feet emotionally. I have brought stress to a relationship and not my self-awareness around stress to the point where I've closed, or yeah, where I've closed, you know, not been receptive to love.
1:05:32 Lewis Howes? Guarded.
1:05:33 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, guarded or just tense and stressed and just totally expecting to be loved anyway.
1:05:44 Jillian Turecki? And it's, it's, you know, relationship is so filled with paradoxes. It's like, yes, they should actually contribute to your happiness. But you also have to know how to make yourself happy. No, you don't have to love yourself completely to be in a relationship. But yes, you have to love yourself at some level, you know? Or you learn to love yourself in a relationship, but also you can't enter a relationship hating yourself. There's just so many paradoxes and I would just say that people just need to find sort of the balance for themselves. And like, the reality is that we should be adding value to each other's lives. We should want to root for our partner and we want to see them win.
1:06:27 Jillian Turecki? And we want to see like their path be just like paved with gold. And we will do anything to help them. But we can't actually pave the path, path for them. And that's the key difference. And we can't expect that from someone.
1:06:43 Lewis Howes? Right. I think that's, you're speaking my language right now because, you know, over the last couple of years of doing my own healing journey, I was just like, if I enter a relationship again, right? It was kind of like if, you know, because I was just like, I'd rather be happy and on my own. No, but I love intimacy and connection. It's like, okay, I want it, but it's like not at the expense of like suffering.
1:07:06 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
1:07:07 Lewis Howes? And abandoning my, my values and my vision and my lifestyle, my needs.
1:07:11 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
1:07:12 Lewis Howes? But I was like, I just want to make sure that I'm always taking care of it and loving myself and taking care of myself. And creating my own joy and happiness and fulfillment, independent of a relationship. Never needing someone, but the way they show up can just add to that joy.
1:07:30 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
1:07:30 Lewis Howes? Add to that happiness. And I want to be in a relationship with someone that is a joyful person. It's kind of like their baseline.
1:07:37 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
1:07:37 Lewis Howes? Because they've processed stuff, they've been on the healing journey, they're, they're whole, not perfect, but whole. And, and continuing to improve, but they're just, their baseline is joy.
1:07:47 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
1:07:49 Lewis Howes? When someone's baseline is joy, you don't have to do something to make them joyful. They are joyful.
1:07:53 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
1:07:54 Lewis Howes? And so it's getting your place to a, a state of peace and joy and fulfillment in your own life. So that you don't need the person to make you happy.
1:08:03 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, absolutely.
1:08:04 Lewis Howes? And then you're not going to self abandon, I think, or diminish your self-worth in the relationship. If someone's. abusive or acting out of character consistently. You're not going to stay in that. You're gonna be like, well, that doesn't work for me.
1:08:19 Jillian Turecki? And that's really the key point because honestly, what's epidemic in terms of what I see personally is just low self-esteem. And people, it's sort of like two camps. I see people either being selfish and not appreciating their partner.
1:08:36 Lewis Howes? Not giving enough to their partner.
1:08:37 Jillian Turecki? Not giving enough. Or I see the people tolerating too much BS.
1:08:40 Lewis Howes? Right.
1:08:41 Jillian Turecki? And so to the people who tolerate too much, it's like you something, you have to do something to raise your self-esteem. Something because the what people tolerate out there is what I've tolerated. It's it's unbelievable, actually. But part of that is also because people are so afraid to be alone and they're afraid to start over. And
1:09:04 Lewis Howes? The time invested with that last person.
1:09:06 Jillian Turecki? Exactly. Love your life single. You can really love your life single, but also really want a relationship. I don't want to discourage. I think that life is better in a good relationship. It just is. And and getting love from a partner and sharing and having that exchange is is really profound. But it but, you know, you also have to give up your preferences to be in a relationship.
1:09:31 Lewis Howes? Right.
1:09:32 Jillian Turecki? You know, like I tell single people all the time, like you want to lie in your bed diagonally like go for it. You like all that secret single behavior, enjoy it because when you're in a relationship and you're living with someone, you can't necessarily do that. But you have to really, like you said, being in the position where you'd rather be single than just in something subpar. That is an amazing position to be in.
1:09:58 Lewis Howes? Yeah, it's huge.
1:09:59 Jillian Turecki? It's huge.
1:10:01 Lewis Howes? Are you in a relationship right now?
1:10:02 Jillian Turecki? I'm actually not, which is wild. I mean, I guess it's not that wild. I, you know, so the whole reason why I do this is that I taught yoga for 20 years. And so yoga is like the probably the most important thing in my life, other than people in my life. And I had a really difficult marriage that only lasted two years. It was like actually.
1:10:27 Lewis Howes? How long were you together for before?
1:10:28 Jillian Turecki? Four years. Well, we were together two years prior to that. And interesting, this is an interesting story. So I would say ninety percent was perfect before we got married. But the ten percent that wasn't was so, so profound. And yeah, I felt seen, safe, loved, adored. I adored him. We, we had amazing rapport. We laughed hysterically. I really like it when I make people laugh. If you can understand, I have a really dark, nasty sense of humor. So if you can understand my sense of humor, I immediately feel very connected to you, right? And so we really connected and, but there were things that,
1:11:10 Jillian Turecki? that I would never tolerate. And this is something like, we're cool, like I, things not working out with him. And then my mother died. So I went through a lot of tragedy to get to the place where I am now. But I'm very cool with him. In fact, I have a joke that I should probably, that he should probably send me a bill. Because I have this whole career based on this relationship that I had with him.
1:11:35 Lewis Howes? The wisdom you gain from this experience.
1:11:36 Jillian Turecki? So I'm actually very grateful. But there is an interesting story, which is that we went to, we were about eight months into our relationship. And I felt totally in love. We were both totally in love. And I don't know what triggered this because this was a while ago and I just don't, I just don't think about it anymore. It's not traumatic for me. But something triggered him and he had a proclivity towards avoidance. And I had the proclivity towards anxiety. And my father was very, very avoidant and shut down. So here we are.
1:12:11 Lewis Howes? Anxious and avoidant is not a good combination.
1:12:13 Jillian Turecki? It's not a good combination. So it's a bad combination, but so he was shut down over something that I have absolutely, something that was not warranted. And we went to this show called
1:12:26 Lewis Howes? It was his own traumas.
1:12:27 Jillian Turecki? It was totally his own stuff. This was not something that, I mean, I could take a lot of responsibility and have, but this is not something that I did. It was something that he interpreted. So we went to this show called Sleep No More. And I don't know if you've heard of it, but it was like a thing in New York and it was really, really crazy and really cool. And you get there and they give you like these masks, like from Scream, basically, like these crazy masks. And so you, even though if you go with someone, it's a very, you kind of get separate, they separate you.
1:12:56 Lewis Howes? They take you into rooms and it's a whole
1:12:57 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, so it's a very solitary experience and everyone's behind a mask. So you're having your own experience. But on our way there, I could, he was in what would be the first of many of like these moods where he would shut down and I didn't know what was going on. Back then, I didn't have the courage to say, what is going on? Like, speak up, like what's hap- did I do something?
1:13:20 Lewis Howes? Let's talk about this.
1:13:20 Jillian Turecki? Let's talk about it. Now, it wouldn't even, yeah.
1:13:26 Lewis Howes? You didn't have the tools then.
1:13:27 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, I didn't have the tools and I didn't have the self-esteem then.
1:13:30 Lewis Howes? The courage to speak up.
1:13:31 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, all of it. And so when we went, he was totally shut down. We were separated, but there were times where you would recognize a person because you know what they're wearing and I would be so psyched to connect with him and he would pretend like he didn't see me. It was like a total stonewalling. And I was so incredibly upset. And all I could think about is I gotta get this relationship back on track. Like I have to like make this better.
1:13:56 Lewis Howes? From that one day?
1:13:57 Jillian Turecki? From that, from that one night because he was ston- I knew that, I was like, his feelings changed about me. I have to make sure that I, that whatever it is that triggered him doesn't trigger him again. So all this stuff came up.
1:14:09 Lewis Howes? So you interpreted that too?
1:14:10 Jillian Turecki? Yes, exactly. So I, so I got really anxious, you know, I, low self-esteem.
1:14:15 Lewis Howes? It's not perfect.
1:14:15 Jillian Turecki? I don't wanna, or like, it's not that it wasn't perfect, it was really bad. If, so in other words, If I were to encounter that today, that relationship would have ended that day.
1:14:27 Lewis Howes? You'd be like, hey, this doesn't work for me, yeah.
1:14:29 Jillian Turecki? Without question, it actually wouldn't even been a conversation. It just would have ended because I would have known from a value system perspective and also from what is good for me, that that is absolutely, we can, we can have fights, we can have disagreements, but that is not allowed in my world. So, um, so I've changed a lot and the relationships that I've had since then, because we split many years ago, have been super healthy and super, super lovely. Just not in alignment with what it is I really want. And I am just like you, like I would rather, yes, companionship is great and having someone tell you you're beautiful and lovely and friendship is great. Yeah, but what I want is something like,
1:15:13 Jillian Turecki? I'm looking more to the future now in a way that I haven't in the past. So I ended something fairly recently that was lovely, that it was not painful. It was super, super healthy. And I guess I'm sharing, part of the reason why I'm sharing this story is that some relation, just because a relationship ends, it doesn't have to be a drama. It can be lovely. There's no pathology to a relationship ending. You could just be going in two separate directions and that is okay.
1:15:44 Lewis Howes? What's the best way to end a relationship consciously? To minimize as much friction or drama. And one person may be resentful or frustrated or hurt and sad that you can't control. But what's the best way to end a relationship? In peace.
1:16:01 Jillian Turecki? Accountability. I love you and I know I really messed some of this up. And I'm sorry. That's one way. But I just don't see that this is something that is good for us anymore. So you, you include yourself in the conversation, meaning you're not blaming the other person. You take full responsibility.
1:16:25 Jillian Turecki? You know, I remember ending one thing a few years back saying, "I love you, but I love myself more." And because of that, like, "You're on your path, I'm on mine." And it doesn't, it's not gonna work long term. So, I wish you nothing but the best. Like, I truly wish you nothing but the best. That's obviously difficult if you're in a relationship that's had a lot of hardship. But even in the ones that have been the ugliest,
1:16:56 Jillian Turecki? you can really turn it around by being a better person when you break up with them than you were when you were in a relationship. If you've never taken accountability, that's your time.
1:17:11 Jillian Turecki? You can learn a lot about someone by the way they break up with you. You can tell a lot about-
1:17:16 Lewis Howes? That's kind of who they are.
1:17:17 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, well-
1:17:18 Lewis Howes? How they show up.
1:17:19 Jillian Turecki? It's their level of consciousness at the time.
1:17:21 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
1:17:27 Jillian Turecki? Exactly, exactly.
1:17:29 Lewis Howes? Man, people can be really nasty. I've always wanted to end a relationship like peaceful, I want the best for you.
1:17:35 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
1:17:35 Lewis Howes? I take responsibility for my part. I want the best for you, I hope you have an amazing life. That's always been kind of my stance.
1:17:42 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, yeah.
1:17:43 Lewis Howes? For whatever reason, I've chosen people that are like, "I hate you, you're horrible, I can't believe you're doing this to me."
1:17:49 Jillian Turecki? Like a storm.
1:17:50 Lewis Howes? And then want to hold on to it for years.
1:17:52 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
1:17:53 Lewis Howes? And like, try to get at me some way. I never understood that.
1:17:58 Jillian Turecki? Drama.
1:17:58 Lewis Howes? I never understood why people will hold on to some relationship for a year or years after and keep trying to pull them down.
1:18:08 Lewis Howes? When all I try to do is like, "I just want the best for you." It's like, "Cool."
1:18:11 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
1:18:12 Lewis Howes? I don't understand that.
1:18:13 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
1:18:14 Lewis Howes? But again, that's me choosing.
1:18:16 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, I mean-
1:18:17 Lewis Howes? From a wound.
1:18:17 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, it's choosing from a wound and them being in their wound, you know? All of that.
1:18:22 Lewis Howes? And you can never do enough for someone to be, you know, there's no way to end it with that person. They're just gonna be upset at you no matter what.
1:18:29 Jillian Turecki? Well, the worst thing is ghosting.
1:18:33 Jillian Turecki? And you know, I mean.
1:18:35 Lewis Howes? Ending a relationship by ghosting them?
1:18:36 Jillian Turecki? I mean, yeah, it's one thing to ghost someone that you went on a couple of dates with, which I think is just totally immature, but it's another thing to ghost someone that you've been in a relationship with. And people DM me, they write to me, "My boyfriend of five years, he just disappeared." No, I'm telling you, and I get that a lot.
1:18:52 Lewis Howes? That's painful.
1:18:53 Jillian Turecki? That is trauma, that's big T trauma in many ways. That is, that is psychological abuse.
1:19:00 Lewis Howes? They just years and disappear.
1:19:02 Jillian Turecki? I mean, obviously, there were things that were wrong in the relationship, but the way that they ended it was to just disappear.
1:19:07 Lewis Howes? They were very avoidant, right?
1:19:09 Jillian Turecki? You did, I mean.
1:19:11 Lewis Howes? They weren't willing to have the conversation, they just wanted to avoid the pain.
1:19:14 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, and then just disappear.
1:19:16 Lewis Howes? Wow.
1:19:16 Jillian Turecki? It's, that's a highly dysfunctional thing to do to someone.
1:19:20 Lewis Howes? But it's also, you gotta look at it as, yes, it's a trauma, but you also have to say, "Well, at least it happened where I'm not in this relationship," right? At least it's not, "I'm not with a person for the rest of my life like this."
1:19:31 Jillian Turecki? And you can get to that point, and that would be, and that's the healing to get to that point. But at first, you have to get over the fact that you, the abandonment, and that takes a long time to get over.
1:19:41 Lewis Howes? What's the biggest wound you've had to heal?
1:19:43 Jillian Turecki? In myself? Definitely the abandonment wound, the father wound. I've made a lot of peace with my father, which I'm very, very happy about. And it's more just peace within myself, more than anything else.
1:19:59 Lewis Howes? What, what does that look like within you? Peace within yourself?
1:20:03 Jillian Turecki? It's remembering, it's remembering to, to think of him and see him through the filter of my level of consciousness now versus the level of consciousness I had as a teenager, as a child. It's about having compassion, seeing them, seeing him as a human being.
1:20:23 Jillian Turecki? It's also, you know, you don't have to, I don't have to be afraid anymore. I don't have to worry anymore. I don't, I don't. Some of the memories that I have with him in the past, I can just look at, I can change the story a little bit. I can relate to the story that I have with him differently. And I think that that's, that's real healing. That is what really heals trauma, is being able to make some sort of peace, even if you never speak to that parent again, because I know everyone has different circumstances. Some people have been through really horrendous things with family members. But I'm always helping people,
1:21:06 Jillian Turecki? and I feel honored to do so. And I don't feel like an imposter doing it, knowing that I've done, that I've done that work as well.
1:21:16 Jillian Turecki? Helping people to look at whatever troubled relationship they have with a parent, and to find some peace with that, to see them as just a flawed human being, who did, they did the best that they could. Also, to,
1:21:35 Jillian Turecki? sometimes when we have a troubling relationship with a parent, the memories that, that we hold on to are all the negative ones. And our mind will disregard the things that are maybe good. And even if it's not a good memory, it's like there's something actually positive there. But we get so attached to the story and to the wound that we actually suppress some of the good stuff, because for that to come up might be too difficult. That's number one. Number two, you have to grieve the parent that you wished that you had and maybe that you deserved to have. You have to really properly grieve that and come to a true acceptance of the fact that your parent is not who you needed them to be.
1:22:22 Jillian Turecki? You have to accept that. That that is just one of the cards that life had for you. And we all have things that, you know. Haven't really worked out.
1:22:33 Lewis Howes? And what happens if we don't accept that?
1:22:35 Jillian Turecki? Your relationships will will bear the brunt of that.
1:22:38 Lewis Howes? You'll suffer.
1:22:39 Jillian Turecki? You'll suffer a lot. And um we do, you know, the the subconscious mind is very powerful, so we will. It's part of self-awareness is to be like, oh, I'm not seeing my partner right now. I'm seeing mommy, I'm seeing daddy and like being able to like. Mitigate that. But if you really, really struggle with a parent, there's no peace. It's constant projecting. Either you're picking partners that represent the worst part of the parent that represent the. Or represent the thing that you still need to work out. I mean, there's a lot of theories, a lot of psychiatrists and psychologists have had theories. Freud being one of them. Uh probably the first one to say, you know, you will pick partners. Who will remind you of a troubled parent or troubling relationship with a parent.
1:23:23 Jillian Turecki? So you can work it out with them.
1:23:25 Lewis Howes? So you can fix it and resolve it.
1:23:27 Jillian Turecki? And that's when actually healing can happen in a relationship if two people are willing to do the work. Like, oh, we're bringing all our trauma, and if they can work through it. That can be profound.
1:23:37 Lewis Howes? But you can't fix someone else. They have to be willing to.
1:23:40 Jillian Turecki? You cannot. It has to be collaborative. It has to be a hundred percent collaborative.
1:23:45 Lewis Howes? And also, if you're trying to fix someone else, it's meaning you don't accept them.
1:23:48 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
1:23:49 Lewis Howes? For who they are.
1:23:49 Jillian Turecki? A hundred percent.
1:23:51 Lewis Howes? Not saying that's the healthiest choice you should have, but you're not accepting them.
1:23:54 Jillian Turecki? No.
1:23:55 Lewis Howes? And so you're judging them.
1:23:56 Jillian Turecki? You're judging them constantly.
1:23:57 Lewis Howes? Judgment doesn't support.
1:23:58 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
1:23:59 Lewis Howes? In a relationship.
1:23:59 Jillian Turecki? But there's all sorts of, no, it doesn't. And there's all sorts of things. I mean, there's some people who are really attracted to people who are who are quote unquote broken. Because then maybe get to be the rescuer. I mean, we're all playing out these roles all the time.
1:24:11 Lewis Howes? But what happens when someone? Is the fixture and tries to rescue in a relationship? Can that be healthy long term?
1:24:18 Jillian Turecki? No. Because also, I believe that deep down, no one actually wants to be rescued. I think that, this is the thing.
1:24:27 Lewis Howes? This is the fairy tale lie of women.
1:24:29 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
1:24:29 Lewis Howes? Some guys are gonna come and rescue them.
1:24:31 Jillian Turecki? Yes, I mean, so there's one argument to say that, oh, yeah, deep down, all they want to do is be rescued. But. The way that we earn self-esteem for ourselves is to be able to face our problems.
1:24:42 Lewis Howes? Absolutely, ourselves.
1:24:44 Jillian Turecki? Ourselves.
1:24:45 Lewis Howes? With support, but not someone doing it for us.
1:24:47 Jillian Turecki? Yes, and so.
1:24:50 Jillian Turecki? It becomes really, really tricky because then we start to lose respect for ourselves. We start to lose respect for the other person.
1:24:56 Lewis Howes? Who's doing the work for us.
1:24:57 Jillian Turecki? Yes, so having the strength to face our problems, but utilizing help because I really think that's very important. I have invested so much time and money in in support and help and mentorship. I'm a full believer in that, but you have to give someone the privilege of solving their problems.
1:25:18 Lewis Howes? And doing the work for themselves.
1:25:19 Jillian Turecki? And doing the work for themselves.
1:25:21 Lewis Howes? It's true.
1:25:22 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
1:25:22 Lewis Howes? I mean, if you just give someone a million dollars, they might feel good for a little bit, but then it's like.
1:25:27 Jillian Turecki? It gets old real quick.
1:25:28 Lewis Howes? Right, and then when you're also just like, okay, I didn't create this, right? I wasn't the one who who created this value for myself.
1:25:35 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
1:25:36 Lewis Howes? You know, if someone just, it's like.
1:25:39 Jillian Turecki? Being handed things on a silver platter.
1:25:41 Lewis Howes? Exactly.
1:25:42 Jillian Turecki? There are lots of people who were raised with being given everything. And there's statistics that prove that a lot of these people also become drug addicts because they never learned how the value of a dollar, how to earn something. Because when you earn stuff for yourself, regardless if it's money or something else, you build confidence in yourself.
1:26:01 Lewis Howes? And you respect it and you respect like the energy and the time towards it and all these different things.
1:26:05 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, absolutely.
1:26:07 Lewis Howes? That's interesting. What do you see is going to be the biggest problem? That I guess more millennials are going to be facing with getting into relationships in their twenties and thirties now with post pandemic and with extreme social media consumption and instant gratification thinking as a society and culture. What is going to be the biggest thing to overcome for people in order to enter healthy relationships moving forward?
1:26:38 Jillian Turecki? To unhook themselves from dopamine.
1:26:44 Jillian Turecki? It's like.
1:26:47 Jillian Turecki? It's like porn addiction.
1:26:50 Jillian Turecki? You know, you can scroll through social media and get a lot of, you know, you're not, you can't scroll through social media and see sex, but you can get a lot of those those dopamine centers in your brain to be activated because of things that you're looking at. And that, and also having your phone on the table when you're having dinner with someone, even if you're not looking at the phone,
1:27:16 Jillian Turecki? pulls your attention away from the person that you're with. And so I think the instant gratification, not being present with one another, also like expecting sort of like the lack of patience that people have now because everything has to be, look, now it's reels, it used to be videos, because people don't have the attention span. And so I think that what I'm concerned about the younger generations is them not taking enough time to really get to know someone,
1:27:49 Jillian Turecki? to also having realistic, you should have high standards, but your expectations should also be realistic. You know, everyone is flawed. Everyone comes with stuff. So you can have a really high standard, I certainly do, you certainly do, but you can't expect perfection because then you're not giving yourself any grace because then you have to be perfect.
1:28:11 Lewis Howes? Right.
1:28:12 Jillian Turecki? And that really stresses me out personally.
1:28:14 Lewis Howes? Yeah, exactly.
1:28:15 Jillian Turecki? I don't want to have to do that. So I am concerned. I'm concerned of them just being constantly on their phones with each other. I'm concerned with just needing, like you said, the instant gratification, the dopamine rush, like, is this not right? Like, all of that creates, we're all walking around like, hi. You know, it's like, this is like, why do people do drugs? Because of dopamine. It's like, we're all like stoned and high on something. So it's, I'm concerned about the realness.
1:28:43 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
1:28:45 Jillian Turecki? But some, that's the younger generation, some millennials have been like some of the most like realest people I've met. Really, really my, more than my generation, so you know.
1:28:56 Lewis Howes? What's your generation?
1:28:57 Jillian Turecki? I don't know, what am I if I'm in my forties?
1:29:00 Lewis Howes? I'm like, I'm a millennial.
1:29:02 Jillian Turecki? Am I Gen Y?
1:29:03 Lewis Howes? I'm thirty nine, so I'm a millennial.
1:29:04 Jillian Turecki? So are you, you're like, you're a millennial. Yeah, so I guess, am I Gen Y? Am I Gen Z? I don't know, I should know this.
1:29:10 Lewis Howes? Yeah, yeah.
1:29:12 Lewis Howes? That's interesting, so, I mean, cause I grew up without social media. But then, and you as well, but then, but then I got it in college. Like Facebook was not open to the public still when I was in college, so it was just for college students.
1:29:26 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
1:29:26 Lewis Howes? And they were opening it to different, so I remember it's like, oh, it's coming to our school like next week. And so it was like, when I was a junior, I think, or senior or something. So it was towards the end of my college experience where I was into sports all day in high school and college and like interacting with people.
1:29:43 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
1:29:43 Lewis Howes? Outside and playing frisbee and like whatever. As opposed to on my phone since I was twelve.
1:29:49 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
1:29:50 Lewis Howes? Just scrolling all day.
1:29:51 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
1:29:52 Lewis Howes? So I feel like I got, you know, blessed to have had that experience.
1:29:55 Jillian Turecki? Absolutely.
1:29:56 Lewis Howes? Cause even then, having the phone now is, you gotta remind yourself to like put it away. But if I was raised at twelve with an iPhone, I'd be on it all day probably.
1:30:04 Jillian Turecki? I know, and it's, it's a double edged sword because my best friend, she has a thirteen year old son, so it's like if something is technology wrong, she's like, oh, I can just ask Cash, I just actually, like, he knows everything. But yeah, you have to, I think parents, it would behoove parents greatly to have some serious boundaries around that. Children need to write, they need to read, they need to write with a pen, they need to go out and play. If you're always on the screen, I'm concerned about depression. Going on, going on the rise, pretty disproportionately.
1:30:44 Lewis Howes? I think it's also learning the skills of communicating face to face with people and navigating feelings and emotions in front of someone, not behind the screen by texting or just feeling it isolated to a screen, it's.
1:30:58 Lewis Howes? Yeah, it's really learning how to connect human to human.
1:31:01 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
1:31:02 Lewis Howes? And manage your emotions and stress and feelings and discomfort in front of someone.
1:31:07 Jillian Turecki? Yes, so maybe the younger generations, there's gonna be a lot of difficulty with in terms of that.
1:31:12 Lewis Howes? Mm-hmm.
1:31:13 Jillian Turecki? Not really intimacy, exactly, not really being able to connect or not under or not like not being so adept at reading body language. Cause that's a big part, there's lots of different ways to communicate that has nothing to do with the verbal. We're communicating all the time with our body language, we're doing it right now. And so if you miss that, you're missing a key component of human behavior and communication.
1:31:39 Lewis Howes? Yeah, well, I'm grateful you got an amazing podcast called Gillian on Love with Q Code. And where you're teaching about relationships, you're doing a lot of solo content where you're teaching lessons and wisdom and and skills and how to be better in relationships with yourself and with others.
1:31:57 Jillian Turecki? Yes.
1:31:57 Lewis Howes? Uh, so I want people to check out your podcast. Uh, you also got an amazing Instagram account with a great content. Uh, is that the main place that you spend time on social media?
1:32:07 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, I have, I mean, I have a TikTok account where I have some more videos, but mostly it's Instagram, Jillian Turecki and and then now the Gillian on Love Instagram.
1:32:17 Lewis Howes? Yeah, Jillian Turecki and Gillian on Love is the podcast Instagram, okay? And then GillianTurecki.com is the site where what can we get when we're there, what's available?
1:32:28 Jillian Turecki? So I created something a few years ago called The Conscious Woman and it's a membership for women.
1:32:33 Lewis Howes? That's great.
1:32:35 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, I really wanted to do, even though I, it's funny, I I do work with a lot of millennial men actually, but most of the people I work with are women and I in my own journey of becoming more conscious and learning the lessons that I learned, I really wanted to help women feel more empowered in their relationships and take more responsibility. And so I created, you know, when I, a few years back, when I started this journey of really full-time becoming a coach, I spent like two years creating so much content. I was like insane, I mean, I even think I like did one of your things, I mean, I was like, yeah, I was like, seriously, I was a content machine. And then I was like, what am I gonna do with all this? I'm like, I'm gonna put this into a membership. And I'm gonna call it The Conscious Woman.
1:33:20 Jillian Turecki? And then there's monthly um Q and A's and workshops that I do with everyone. And that's been, it's a really large community that's been building for a while. And then people can just purchase workshops. I have a, going through my divorce and then the death of my mom. I, I, I am no stranger to grief and heartbreak, so. I wanted to put in writing and outline all the steps that I took. To not just get over that heartbreak, but to really thrive. And so I created a workbook, super inexpensive.
1:33:55 Jillian Turecki? And I started selling that about a year and a half ago, and I just call it The Heartbreak Workbook and. I, I mean, I just literally, it's digital, I sell it through social media. I've sold close to twenty thousand copies.
1:34:07 Lewis Howes? That's amazing.
1:34:08 Jillian Turecki? Yeah, and it's just, uh, it's, so that's what you're gonna find on my site.
1:34:13 Lewis Howes? Very cool.
1:34:13 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
1:34:13 Lewis Howes? Very cool. How else can we serve you today?
1:34:17 Jillian Turecki? Oh, man, I mean, how can you serve me? I mean, honestly, like.
1:34:25 Jillian Turecki? Just knowing that I have people who wanna hear what I have to say. And that um, who support me, that's, that's enough. Yeah, that's really enough. Like, the fact that like, I have this podcast and people wanna listen to it. That feels like that there is such a beautiful symbiosis happening between me giving and then receiving and giving back. So it's all very rewarding.
1:34:50 Lewis Howes? I love it. Well, I wanna acknowledge you, Gillian, for how you've thrived after a lot of pain, you know? I think I've experienced my own type of pain, but going through divorce and experiencing whatever emotions come up from divorce.
1:35:05 Jillian Turecki? Yeah.
1:35:06 Lewis Howes? Whether it be shame or guilt or beating yourself up, whatever you faced. And then your, your mother passing and just facing life after that. And trusting again and opening your heart again and, and using that experience.
1:35:21 Lewis Howes? With wisdom to serve and finding a meaning behind it in a beautiful way is really inspiring. So I acknowledge you for your transformation and your growth and how you've channeled that into service, into helping others who are experiencing pain or challenge in a relationship to supporting them to create more peace. So I think that's what it's all about. We all want to have peaceful relationships. We want to feel loved. We want to be in a loving environment. And you know, I'm grateful for your lessons and wisdom and being able to give that to more people.
1:35:54 Jillian Turecki? Thank you.
1:35:54 Lewis Howes? Even though it was a painful experience, but a powerful one that you've transformed. So I really acknowledge you for that.
1:36:02 Lewis Howes? This is a question I ask everyone at the end called the three truths. So imagine a hypothetical situation. It's your last day on earth, many years away. You get to live as long as you want and accomplish all your dreams. But for whatever reason, you got to take all of your work with you. So the workbook, this podcast, your podcast, your Instagram content and whatever you create, it goes to the next place after you pass. And all we have to be remembered or reminded of you are three lessons that you can share with the world. Three truths. What would be those three truths for you?
1:36:38 Jillian Turecki? Your relationship with yourself reigns supreme. So, and it's the longest one you will ever have. Don't leave your own side.
1:36:48 Jillian Turecki? Number two, stress is the cause of so much suffering. It causes disease. It causes dysregulation. It causes relationships to, to, to completely destruct. So figure out a way, get whatever help you need to help you face life.
1:37:16 Jillian Turecki? And then number three, it's weird that I use the word privilege. But I'm gonna, but it's the word that came to my mind, so I'll use it. I had the privilege of watching both my stepfather at different times and my mother pass, being there in the room. And I don't know if you've ever seen anyone die, but it changes you, especially if it's, you know, someone that you love.
1:37:41 Jillian Turecki? And in that moment, or in those several hours leading up to the final passing, because you know, people die in different ways, but if you're in a hospice and you're dying of cancer, it's sort of like the dying process is sometimes like a week. And when you're there and you see that and you realize like nothing, all the things that we worry about, they really don't matter. Like, none of it matters. Like, the only thing that matters is cheesy as it sounds, is love. It is the only thing that matters, like connection and love. And people are starved for more connection. People are starved for more realness.
1:38:28 Jillian Turecki? And so
1:38:30 Jillian Turecki? I guess would be just for people to understand that like when you die or you see someone die, you're gonna know the truth of life so hard. And so make it your mission to be aware of that every single day, because I went through that and I still will, I get caught up in the little things all the time. I sometimes have to meditate on that moment just to like bring me back to reality. And so, yeah, life is fleeting. Tell the people you love that you love them.
1:39:09 Lewis Howes? That's beautiful.
1:39:12 Lewis Howes? Final question, what's your definition of greatness?
1:39:16 Jillian Turecki? Definition of greatness?
1:39:20 Jillian Turecki? Courage.
1:39:23 Jillian Turecki? Courage. Life is hard. Fear is very real. It consumes every single person.
1:39:32 Jillian Turecki? On some level, maybe in certain cultures, not so much, but in this culture, everyone is walking around with way too much fear. And so I think that greatness are like those moments where you just feel courageous. And you have the fear and you do it anyway.
1:39:48 Lewis Howes? There you go, Julian. Thanks so much. Appreciate it.
1:39:51 Jillian Turecki? Thank you.
1:39:52 Lewis Howes? Thank you. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you, if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.
1:40:34 Lewis Howes? And now it's time to go out there and do something great.
Previous Holocaust Survivor On Forgiveness, Healing Your Past & Living A Happy Life EP 1354 Next 5 Signs You Will Become Rich [MASTERCLASS] EP 1356 Page updated October 26, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated
