The HARSH Truth About Relationships That You Need To Know EP 1355

Jillian Turecki is a certified relationship coach, teacher and writer who for 20 years has taught others how to transform their relationships with themselves. Fueled by an insatiable curiosity about what makes a relationship thrive, Jillian has helped thousands through her teaching and writing revolutionize their relationship with themselves so that they transform their relationships with others. Be sure to check out Jillian’s new podcast, “Jillian On Love”In this episode you will learn, The three biggest reasons that most relationships fail. The makings of a toxic relationship and how to avoid them. Conversations to have with your partner to create a conscious relationship. How the path to healing comes from being in the right relationship. Tips on how to peacefully end a relationship. For more, go to lewishowes.com/1355 Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jillian Turecki?

  Every relationship we've ever had will reflect back to us the relationship we have with ourselves. Period. End of story. And if you can't, if one cannot actually accept that, they're just going to keep you.

• 0:13Lewis Howes?

  Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 0:37Lewis Howes?

  What would you say then are the three main reasons most relationships fail, don't work out?

• 0:43Jillian Turecki?

  Lack of connection, for sure. Feeling like they're distant from each other, but they don't know how to create that same emotional intimacy.

• 0:52Lewis Howes?

  They don't know how to reconnect, or they don't know how to...

• 0:55Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, they don't feel understood, they don't feel seen, they don't feel like... Usually what inspires us to commit to someone in a relationship is that we feel very connected to them.

• 1:10Lewis Howes?

  Why does it leave? How do they get disconnected?

• 1:13Jillian Turecki?

  So, you know, the number one reason that I have seen is stress. People not managing the stress in their lives.

• 1:22Lewis Howes?

  They don't have the tools on how to manage, or how to regulate their emotions.

• 1:27Jillian Turecki?

  Exactly. And how to face the demands of life. And the thing is, you don't have to know how to face every demand of your life. You can be stressed out, but it's the chronic stress. Because when you're chronically stressed, and I've experienced this before myself, and I've seen this in countless people, right? When you don't have the tools to deal with the demands of your life, and maybe some of the demands are huge. Maybe they're not so huge, but it's the way you're seeing them that they're so huge. Then you start to disconnect from yourself. Your nervous system gets completely dysregulated. You don't feel like yourself.

• 2:07Jillian Turecki?

  And then what happens is that when people are stressed out, it's like they're shut down for business when it comes to their partner. Because we, if you haven't experienced, I don't know if you have, when you're really stressed, we become obsessed with ourselves. We become obsessed with the problem. We become obsessed with...

• 2:26Jillian Turecki?

  Not knowing where there's a way out and look, sometimes stress is really, really intense and heavy and real and traumatic. But when we're in that, we're not actually connecting with the other person. We're not present with each other.

• 2:41Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 2:42Jillian Turecki?

  And so when it's, of course, it's gonna happen once in a while, right? We get mindless in our relationships. Sometimes we can be the most conscious, self-aware person, but sometimes we will be just mindless when it comes to the person we love. But yet, if it's over and over again, if it's over weeks, if it's over months, if it's over years, and then all of a sudden, you're like, you haven't had sex in months or years, or you haven't, you haven't truly connected, like you haven't had conversations where you're looking at each other in the eyes. You haven't had the physical and emotional intimacy. And so that is really, and it's like, those two people, they still, they would say, yeah, I still love this person.

• 3:26Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 3:27Jillian Turecki?

  And then once it gets really real, then they're like, I don't wanna lose this person. I wanna go back to the way it was. But, so I would say that stress and then taking each other for granted would be the second reason why relationships fail. We, we basically, when we start seeing someone and we're falling in love with them.

• 3:52Lewis Howes?

  We pour into them all this love and appreciation, and we see them, and we're grateful.

• 3:56Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, they're a gift, exactly. And then life happens and all of a sudden, they become a given.

• 4:03Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 4:05Jillian Turecki?

  And so this person who you once saw as a gift becomes a given. And then people feel totally taken for granted, and that leads me to number three, which is resentment.

• 4:16Jillian Turecki?

  People don't have the difficult conversations, they feel unseen, they feel unheard. And then you take someone, for example, who... Hasn't learned for various reasons how to assert themselves, how to say what it is that they need, how to have the difficult conversations, how to have the courage enough to dare to rock the boat of the relationship.

• 4:39Lewis Howes?

  And create boundaries, or whatever it might be.

• 4:42Jillian Turecki?

  Or create, or create bridges. You know, that, I mean, it might be a boundary that leads to a bridge. I mean, the whole point of a boundary is so that there's more connection, not less.

• 4:53Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 4:54Jillian Turecki?

  So then they, they stew in their own resentment, and it becomes like bloody hell for the person, you know? It becomes like contempt, and then all of a sudden,

• 5:05Jillian Turecki?

  you're looking at that person and you're like, I hate them. They love them, but you're like, I hate them. And so it's the stress, it's the taking people for granted and the resentment. And the stress, I think, is the bigger umbrella under which all the rest rests.

• 5:22Lewis Howes?

  Do you feel like people should even enter into a committed long-term relationship if they don't, if they haven't yet figured out the tools for managing stress in their own life?

• 5:31Jillian Turecki?

  No, I think that they can, but they, they can learn the tools while they're in a relationship.

• 5:36Lewis Howes?

  But if they don't learn the tools in the relationship, then what?

• 5:40Jillian Turecki?

  Then it's going to be a problem. I mean, so let's just say

• 5:44Jillian Turecki?

  someone doesn't know how to manage their stress, just their day-to-day stuff, right? Like, everything is a big deal, or they're freaking out over money, they're freaking out over this or that, and they come home and they're just always on their phone dealing with their stress, and then their partner's like, well, what about me? Right?

• 6:01Lewis Howes?

  Right, right, right.

• 6:02Jillian Turecki?

  You know, and then it gets really tiring. It's like, well, what about me? And then, then, then partner B will say, will try to like, maybe like, if they're super codependent, like, overcompensate, like, let me help this person with their stress, let me heal them, because that wanting to heal their partner of their stress is just so they can get their partner back.

• 6:21Lewis Howes?

  Back to peace, back to a place of like, hey, we're together.

• 6:24Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, we're together, like, you know, like, you love me again, you're looking at me again, I matter again.

• 6:30Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, so stress, what I'm hearing you say, based on all the conversations, the coaching that you've done with people. If people can learn to minimize their stress or navigate their stress in a healthier way.

• 6:41Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 6:43Lewis Howes?

  Then they can get back to being there with their partner in moments that matter.

• 6:47Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 6:47Lewis Howes?

  And showing them the affection, the attention, or the presence that your partner needs.

• 6:52Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 6:53Lewis Howes?

  It doesn't mean you have to be perfect every day, but it's like you're consistent in that attention.

• 6:57Jillian Turecki?

  Yes, exactly, because what happens when we're really stressed is that we get in our heads. And we ruminate, and we obsess.

• 7:06Lewis Howes?

  Analyze.

• 7:07Jillian Turecki?

  Analyze, I mean, you know, I've been the queen of that, so I can speak very confidently about that, you know. And most people just, it's hard not to live in your head. You, one needs consistent daily practices to not live in your head. Now, some people have a natural proclivity to really go with the flow of life more, but I see that way less than I see people who live in their heads. And so, let's say you have one or two people and they're in a relationship, and they're always in their heads, they're not connecting.

• 7:41Lewis Howes?

  With the other.

• 7:42Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, they're not connecting with the other, exactly. And so, that really is the cause of so many relationships ending that not enough people talk about.

• 7:53Lewis Howes?

  Is that like a personality type thing to be aware of? Like, understanding when you're meeting someone, are they an analytical person who's always in their head? If so, just because they're charismatic in one way, or just because they're talented here, or because they have status, doesn't mean it's going to be a great relationship long term.

• 8:12Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, I mean, it's a good question. I mean, I think that there are a lot of people. I struggle to put people in too many boxes, because I've also known people who can be credibly neurotic and analytical, and in their heads, and brilliant that way, but somehow, they just make their lover feel like a million bucks. And yes, maybe sometimes, they get too in their head, but they're really responsive to their partner's feedback, when they're like, you've been too in your head, and they're like, okay, I'm gonna wake up.

• 8:42Lewis Howes?

  Right, right.

• 8:43Jillian Turecki?

  Because we're not perfect.

• 8:44Lewis Howes?

  But then you gotta, then you gotta find someone who's responsive to feedback.

• 8:47Jillian Turecki?

  And that's actually.

• 8:48Lewis Howes?

  And receptive to it.

• 8:49Jillian Turecki?

  And that's the more important skill. Not to not never be, you have to have important, you have to have daily practices to deal with your stress. But life happens. But to be responsive to feedback, I feel like that's really one of the most underrated relationship skills. You have to, you have to, I've actually just been talking about this recently a lot, so I guess here we go. When you're in a relationship with someone, it's so important, and you and I talked about this a little bit, to have an aligned vision of how, you can't be the same, but you have to have an aligned vision of how you want your relationship to be, how your lifestyle you want it to be. And in that, if there's real true emotional intimacy between two people,

• 9:32Jillian Turecki?

  they're gonna know, like, you're gonna know what is most important to your girlfriend, to your partner, however you call her, right? And she is gonna know what's really important to you, separate from the relationship, right? You're gonna know what their path is, and they're gonna know what your path is. And I think that a relationship skill that's really worth honing is holding each other accountable to that. Meaning, if we see that the person we love is veering off their path too much, to be able to compassionately and with a lot of love, just saying, "I love you, but like, what's going on?"

• 10:12Lewis Howes?

  I think that's, yeah, that's the approach. It's interesting, because when I first started dating Martha, my girlfriend, I was like, "Listen, I'm, my intention is to never get mad or react at you about anything you do." Now, this was after months of us dating and me really getting to know her, and me then being in full acceptance of who she is as a person. Not trying to change her, not saying, "I wish she did these things," not saying she has the potential to do something. This is who she is, and I'm choosing to accept you fully for who you are. And so I said, but I have certain standards that I want us to create agreements on. So we talked a lot about these things early on.

• 10:55Lewis Howes?

  And one of them was never to jump to judgment at me without context. Right, without like compassionate context and support. I was like, this is something I'm working on where it's like if I feel like someone's just jumping at me with judgment, it's hard for me to receive it.

• 11:13Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 11:13Lewis Howes?

  It's hard for me to receive it, especially if I feel like I've been showing up fully. If I feel like I've been putting in the energy and the attention and I've been, you know, being there in the relationship. Say that I've been being there, you know, create the context first and be like, man, I really appreciate how you showed up in the last few days around this or this and this. And there's just one thing I want to talk about, which I feel like has been on my mind that I want to give feedback on or however you want to communicate it. But start with the like, you've been showing up amazing. If I have been, you know what I mean? Or start with the things that I've been doing well.

• 11:45Jillian Turecki?

  Yep.

• 11:46Lewis Howes?

  So I can be like, oh, I feel seen, I feel supported, I feel acknowledged. Okay, great. Now, if you want me to bring attention to something else that you saw that maybe I could be better at, cool. Bring it to me, I'm open ears. But get my heart open first. Don't let me put up a block, you know what I mean? And I think

• 12:03Jillian Turecki?

  Absolutely.

• 12:03Lewis Howes?

  Just communicating like how you want to receive feedback

• 12:06Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 12:07Lewis Howes?

  is important too. So you have an agreement around it.

• 12:09Jillian Turecki?

  I think that's wonderful. I think that's wonderful. I mean, no one responds well to criticism.

• 12:15Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 12:15Jillian Turecki?

  And people in general have a habit of focusing on what's missing rather than focusing on what's actually there.

• 12:23Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 12:23Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, and people, the thing is, is that I'll add to the list of what destroys relationships.

• 12:29Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 12:30Jillian Turecki?

  Selfishness.

• 12:31Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 12:32Jillian Turecki?

  And that's a really triggering word for a lot of people because it's, you don't have to be a selfish person to become selfish in a relationship. You can be a giving, loving person where none of your friends would ever describe you selfish. But we, when we feel threatened and uncertain in our relationship, when we feel scared in any way.

• 12:59Jillian Turecki?

  We go into fight or flight. And in that moment, and in those moments, we can only think about getting our needs met.

• 13:10Lewis Howes?

  Survival mode.

• 13:11Jillian Turecki?

  And we go into survival mode. And we don't, and we think, they have to change, they have to do this, they have to do that because if not, then something's gonna get wrong, something's gonna go wrong in our relationship. So people get very, very fearful, understandably, because no one wants to be rejected by someone that they love. So we go into fight or flight, even if it's like the kind of fight or flight that feels super subliminal, and it's going on for months. And we are thinking, again, how can I get my needs met? How can I get my needs met? And then we go, like, we'll say, okay, Louis is veering off, you know, I have, I have, I have something that I have to tell Louis.

• 13:57Jillian Turecki?

  And instead of, you know, saying, let me, instead of thinking to oneself, let me, not just open up their heart so that they're more receptive to me, but let me open up my heart so that I can really appreciate inside of me how wonderful this person is, that I can see their beauty, and I can see who they are. And then bring up the, the feedback, not the criticism.

• 14:27Lewis Howes?

  Bring the vulnerability and the intimacy to the conversation from yourself first.

• 14:32Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 14:33Lewis Howes?

  In order to create that space for the courageous conversation to happen.

• 14:37Jillian Turecki?

  Absolutely. But it gets complicated because people get really scared. You know, they feel unseen and the resentment builds up. And so it's, it's like, it's a peeling away of the onion to really figure out like what's happening, but...

• 14:52Jillian Turecki?

  The answer is always simple, it's just not easy.

• 14:54Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. Something I do with Martha, I don't know if I do this every week, but frequently I'll say, "What can I do to be a better partner? Is there anything I can do to be a better partner?" And she hasn't said anything yet. She's like, "You're an amazing partner." But I think it's because we're so proactive in the conversations. And I have this kind of philosophy that I've been putting together recently about how the best approach to enter a conscious relationship, to minimize as much friction as possible and be in more of a state of peace and harmony and alignment, rather than survival and stress.

• 15:36Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 15:37Lewis Howes?

  And I think from a lot of the pain that I've been experiencing over the last 20 years, it got me to have some wisdom around this by applying something differently. I want to see if you can poke a hole through this, my philosophy.

• 15:48Jillian Turecki?

  Okay. Bring it.

• 15:50Lewis Howes?

  I've said it on here a few times, but I want to say it again for people who maybe haven't heard it.

• 15:55Lewis Howes?

  It's eight kind of keys to entering a new relationship.

• 15:59Jillian Turecki?

  Okay.

• 16:00Lewis Howes?

  The first part is working on your own healing journey. Being aware of all your triggers, all your traumas, and working on the healing journey. I think healing is a journey. It doesn't mean it's like you're healed overnight once you start talking about it, but have an accountability process where you're integrating the healing experience. Whether that's a therapist, a coach, you're committing to doing something to process this in your own way. Before entering, if you're going to enter and you don't do that, then I think you're going to have to learn the tools of how to heal with that person. I think we're all going to be healing throughout life as challenges arise, but of the past traumas, so you don't bring them into the new relationship without being aware of them.

• 16:45Lewis Howes?

  That's step one, healing. Step two, when you're getting committed with someone, before you get committed to someone, again, this is for a less friction relationship. Doesn't mean it's not going to be perfect. There's going to be challenges and adversity that comes, but to minimize the stress. Is to find alignment on love languages. So that the way you show up, we were talking about this before, the way you show up naturally and the way you give love is how someone wants to receive it.

• 17:15Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 17:16Lewis Howes?

  You know, I, for whatever reason, I tended to choose people that wanted like gifts and acts of service. And it was always like, I don't care about giving gifts, but I'm like an affectionate person and I like to tell you what I like about you. I like to use words and affection. So it was always like, I had to become someone I'm not naturally good at for someone to feel loved. So it doesn't mean I have to be perfect, but like being in alignment of your love languages. But the way you show up is naturally how someone receives love and vice versa. Again, friction, less friction, that's the goal, not perfect. That's two. Number three, four and five is being aligned on your values, vision and your lifestyle for life. I think if you have completely opposite values, it's going to be challenging.

• 18:00Lewis Howes?

  You might have a chemical connection in the beginning, but eventually when your values are off, there's going to be friction. Same thing with the vision of your life and a relationship. What do we want? Do we want to have kids together? Do we want to be raised in a religion? How do you think about money? Like the vision, where is this relationship going? Love or that chemical feeling of love is not enough if the vision is two opposite ways. And then lifestyle, you know, do we like to go out and adventure? Do we like to travel together? Or, um, you know, is one person want to be out all the time and drinking? And the other person wants to be at home watching Netflix? That's just going to be more friction. And one person has to sacrifice who they are to make someone else feel more connected. As opposed to both having a shared alignment. Doesn't have to be perfect, but some similarities there.

• 18:45Lewis Howes?

  So that's three, four and five. And then six would be, this was a, I don't know if this is unpopular or not, but I told Martha before we got committed, we were dating for a number of months, right? I said, the only way this works for me is if we both commit to therapy together from the start.

• 19:09Jillian Turecki?

  Together as a couple.

• 19:10Lewis Howes?

  As a couple and individually. Cause healing is a journey and processing and integrating is a journey. And, and a big value of mine is personal growth. And that means both of us individually and together. Cause if one is growing and the other one's like, I'm good, I don't need to learn anymore in life, there's gonna be a disconnect. So I said, I've always wanted to do this, no partner I've wanted to have been with in the past, wanted to do this. And I'm not gonna abandon myself anymore. And if that's not something you wanna do, then cool, then we don't need to be together, it's fine. If that's not a value for yours to have personal growth and accountability of our emotions. Cool, then we're just not a good fit, it's all good. And she was like, yeah, I'm down.

• 19:52Lewis Howes?

  And it's been incredible because at any moment, there is some friction or like, oh, this doesn't feel as comfortable. We take it there and we address it early as opposed to when it's late and you're stressed out. We dress it, we figure out what's the root cause of that feeling and we create an agreement that we both align to. So we have a shared language and agreements and we have a third party who has witnessed the agreement. So one person can't say, oh, you never said this, right? Which always tends to happen. We agreed to this 10 years ago, no, I never said that, you know? Just having that accountability and responsibility on both parties and both individually growing. Once that has happened, those six things.

• 20:34Lewis Howes?

  Me saying, okay, before I fully commit and accept you in this committed relationship. Again, doesn't mean it's gonna be perfect, all these things, but before I commit.

• 20:47Lewis Howes?

  My relationship has to be a relationship of service. And we need to have a shared value that service is at the heart of our relationship. Service of each other, service of ourselves, to make sure we're taking care of it individually, and in service of our community and the world. However that looks, as big as small as we want to make it, but it can't just be about us. It needs to be something bigger than us when we come together. And are you open and aligned to a service-based relationship?

• 21:16Jillian Turecki?

  You are not messing around.

• 21:17Lewis Howes?

  Not messing around?

• 21:18Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 21:18Lewis Howes?

  Why? Why go through suffering and pain without having clarity and finding alignment? She was like, yes, service, let's do it. Great, what does this look like? Having those conversations and being aligned, it doesn't have to be perfect, it's being aligned. That's number seven. Number eight, because once that's all taken care of, and you're witnessing behaviors matching words, which is really important. Some people could say this is a value, but not show up in life that way, right? They can say I'm in service, but then they don't, you know, all these things. So having the time and space to witness actions based on their words and behaviors, then saying, I fully accept the human being you are, before committing.

• 22:01Lewis Howes?

  I fully accept, I'm not gonna change you, I'm not gonna get upset at you. Why would I get upset at you? Why would I get angry? Why would I, if I have an alignment of all these things, what could I possibly make you, make me upset? That means I don't have the tools for stress management or emotional regulation. So if I fully understand who you are and I accept you, then I shouldn't be upset. We can have conscious conversations that maybe they're uncomfortable. Maybe it's like, oh, I didn't like that, but I should never raise my voice, I should never yell. I should never get into these places that are unconscious. If we have consistent therapy, if we're in alignment, we've created agreements, we communicate conscious and lovingly with each other, and that means you need to fully accept the human being I am, you know?

• 22:45Lewis Howes?

  I travel, I've got my business, I've got these things, I've got my priorities, and you're an actor, you're, you know, on set with guys, you're kissing guys in movies. I have to accept that's who you are, you know, or what you've done in your acting life in the past, right? Am I okay with that? Knowing I don't want to change you. And once that, and we both need to be in agreement of acceptance of each other.

• 23:09Lewis Howes?

  That was the kind of the eight steps that I've been like discovering and creating the last couple of years that has again supported a healthy conscious relationship. Again, it's not perfect.

• 23:19Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 23:19Lewis Howes?

  But supporting less friction.

• 23:22Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 23:23Lewis Howes?

  More peace and harmony, more love and less stress, which I think is what people want in a relationship. They don't want to enter a stressful relationship.

• 23:31Jillian Turecki?

  No.

• 23:32Lewis Howes?

  They want to feel peace and love.

• 23:33Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 23:34Lewis Howes?

  And again.

• 23:35Jillian Turecki?

  In theory.

• 23:36Lewis Howes?

  In theory, right? Yeah, unless they're used to that and they're familiar with it and they enter because of what they're familiar to.

• 23:42Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 23:42Lewis Howes?

  But it's been a beautiful process being in partnership with someone who is also in alignment, right? And who is willing to go on the same journey. And I'm not saying this is a, these types of conversations are what people want to have with each other, but I was just like, I'd rather be single and in peace than enter an unconscious relationship.

• 24:04Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 24:05Lewis Howes?

  So I don't know if you'd add or take anything.

• 24:07Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, I want to take a stab at this.

• 24:09Lewis Howes?

  Because you're the expert.

• 24:10Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, I want to take a stab at this. So I'm curious, I have a question for you. I'm curious, so what was, what was, what does commitment mean to you? Like, how long did it take until you were like, okay, I commit to you?

• 24:22Lewis Howes?

  Three months. Three months of.

• 24:24Jillian Turecki?

  Was it exclusive for three months?

• 24:26Lewis Howes?

  It was, we did not, we did not go there sexually.

• 24:31Jillian Turecki?

  Okay.

• 24:32Lewis Howes?

  For three months.

• 24:32Jillian Turecki?

  Okay.

• 24:33Lewis Howes?

  Right? So there was a dating period for three months and I.

• 24:38Jillian Turecki?

  So you waited.

• 24:39Lewis Howes?

  I said, I'm waiting.

• 24:40Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, see, that's what I.

• 24:41Lewis Howes?

  I committed and I said, I'm waiting, we're not doing this. And she was like, yeah, cool. I wish.

• 24:46Jillian Turecki?

  And that's what I tell on my single.

• 24:47Lewis Howes?

  And that was the best decision because chemical confusion could, is the, it's one of the hardest things to overcome. The sexual chemical bonding.

• 24:59Jillian Turecki?

  Forget it.

• 25:00Lewis Howes?

  Confuses you from.

• 25:01Jillian Turecki?

  It's crack.

• 25:02Lewis Howes?

  Spiritual connection.

• 25:03Jillian Turecki?

  It's crack.

• 25:04Lewis Howes?

  You will forget all these values. You're just like, oh, I love this feeling.

• 25:06Jillian Turecki?

  Absolutely. It's crack. And less is not love.

• 25:10Lewis Howes?

  Maybe that's step one, wait.

• 25:11Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, this is, and this is what I teach singles all the time. Wait, well, how do you know you're going to commit to someone if you don't know how it's going to be sexually? Okay.

• 25:21Lewis Howes?

  Well, still wait.

• 25:21Jillian Turecki?

  Still wait. Because I say you can't even know if someone is worth your time. If you don't feel safe with them, if you can't safely express an opinion when you're around them. And if you can't get certain, just core needs met.

• 25:39Lewis Howes?

  I think that's huge. Exactly.

• 25:42Jillian Turecki?

  And that's like, that's like the base, baseline.

• 25:45Lewis Howes?

  And if you don't have the same values.

• 25:47Jillian Turecki?

  Forget it.

• 25:48Lewis Howes?

  But if you just don't feel safe around someone.

• 25:50Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, you don't feel, I mean, obviously the values, you don't feel safe around them, you feel like you can't express yourself. You feel like you can't be yourself, you know, if you're loud, you can't be loud with them. If you're really timid, you can't be a little timid, you just can't be you.

• 26:01Lewis Howes?

  If you're not accepted, then don't have sex with them.

• 26:03Jillian Turecki?

  At the very base level, you know, like, or appreciated, you know? The thing, so that, that list is extremely comprehensive and, you know, personally, I love it. Um, there are some things though, that, that, that I'll just poke some holes. I don't know if I'm gonna poke holes, but it'll be an interesting conversation. I don't necessarily believe therapy is for everyone.

• 26:25Lewis Howes?

  What is the alternative towards emotional accountability and integration consistently? Cause I'd love to know.

• 26:32Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, well, some people, some people, they work with a coach.

• 26:37Lewis Howes?

  I look at it as coaching.

• 26:38Jillian Turecki?

  Oh, you look at it as coaching too? Okay.

• 26:40Lewis Howes?

  I look at it as a coach.

• 26:41Jillian Turecki?

  Or therapist, okay. Or a mentor, like, you know, like, like a spiritual teacher or something like that.

• 26:47Lewis Howes?

  Some type of accountability.

• 26:49Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 26:49Lewis Howes?

  Practice with someone who can hold a great space and you respect and you're gonna act upon.

• 26:54Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 26:55Lewis Howes?

  So whether you call it a therapist, coach, spiritual, priest, doesn't matter to me.

• 26:59Jillian Turecki?

  Okay, okay, then that, then that, because you know, something that I see a lot is triangulations. And when someone is going to a therapist and they're venting to their therapist about their partner. And then their, and then the therapist is getting on board with the person and there's a triangulation happening. So I've seen some really gnarly things happen.

• 27:20Lewis Howes?

  Somewhere where you have emotional accountability.

• 27:22Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 27:23Lewis Howes?

  Whatever that is.

• 27:24Jillian Turecki?

  Absolutely. But it's interesting because I was just, I had lunch with a friend, a dear friend recently. And she was in, she does all the work. But she was, she was married to someone who was just awful, who wasn't doing the work. And, you know, part of, she learned that part of the reasons why she was doing that is because of her mother, you know, all that stuff. She's a brilliant, amazing person.

• 27:47Jillian Turecki?

  And now she's in a new relationship. That's the best relationship she's ever had in her life. And she's like, Jillian, he has no trauma. I was like, none? I was like, there's always some.

• 28:01Lewis Howes?

  Even if it's a little tea.

• 28:02Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, yeah. And she's like, he is the most, he comes from the most loving.

• 28:07Lewis Howes?

  That's great.

• 28:08Jillian Turecki?

  You know, so.

• 28:09Lewis Howes?

  Good.

• 28:10Jillian Turecki?

  And he's got, and yeah, he's got practices. But there are some people, and I do think that they are unicorns. But there are some people who are so well adjusted. And have been raised in such loving families that.

• 28:26Lewis Howes?

  It's true.

• 28:27Jillian Turecki?

  They can, I, I always believe that there's room for growth. And he has to grow for sure. He needs to grow. But he doesn't bring any weapons to a relationship. And the thing is, she's friends with all his exes. And they all say the most amazing things about him. They just didn't last because vision, alignment, lifestyle, wanting certain things being the same. So that's the only thing that I'll add. But it's just, it's interesting that there are some people like that. And I'll add.

• 28:57Lewis Howes?

  Do you think it's good for someone to be friends with all their exes? While they're in a new relationship?

• 29:01Jillian Turecki?

  It depends. It depends. What if that ex is from 10 years ago?

• 29:07Lewis Howes?

  I'm asking.

• 29:08Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 29:08Lewis Howes?

  Is that still bringing that energy into a future relationship?

• 29:12Jillian Turecki?

  I think you can't have unfinished business with an ex.

• 29:17Lewis Howes?

  I get it if you've got kids and things like that.

• 29:18Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, and you can't have unfinished business with an ex. But there are people who you may have dated 10 years ago. And it's like, they're like a sibling to you now. You know, and so I think that people have to be a little bit flexible.

• 29:34Lewis Howes?

  What else you gonna add? I interrupted you.

• 29:36Jillian Turecki?

  I know there was something, what was it? It'll come to me, but.

• 29:39Lewis Howes?

  So you don't think everyone needs therapy? But you do think everyone should have some type of accountability?

• 29:44Jillian Turecki?

  Absolutely.

• 29:45Lewis Howes?

  Individual.

• 29:46Jillian Turecki?

  A hundred percent.

• 29:47Lewis Howes?

  That's not just their best friend telling them, whatever.

• 29:49Jillian Turecki?

  If they want to have an excellent relationship.

• 29:53Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 29:53Jillian Turecki?

  That's going to have problems because all relationships have problems. It's how you face the problems.

• 29:59Lewis Howes?

  Navigate them, right?

• 30:00Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, do the problems become what define the relationship? Or are the problems the things that just show up that you work through?

• 30:07Lewis Howes?

  Yes. Do you think one, a relationship can truly thrive if one person is developing and working on themselves and processing and learning new skills and the other person is not?

• 30:19Jillian Turecki?

  It's very hard, you know, because people, I think growth is very important. I also think that everyone grows at different speeds and they grow differently. So whereas therapy has been very impactful for you, for someone else, it might be something, something different, right? There's many paths.

• 30:45Lewis Howes?

  As long as they're doing something.

• 30:46Jillian Turecki?

  Doing something, right? And I think that people grow at different speeds. And I do think that you have to love someone as though they would never change. Though the funny thing is, it's like, we want everyone to sort of grow, to evolve. But what it, but we have to.

• 31:03Lewis Howes?

  It shouldn't be on their terms, right? That's what I told her, I said, listen, I'm committed to my own growth. I'm going to continue to grow and evolve.

• 31:09Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 31:10Lewis Howes?

  But you've got to accept me where I'm at.

• 31:11Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 31:12Lewis Howes?

  And if you don't accept me where I'm at now, that, and you want me to change right now into something that's going to make you happy, this is not going to work.

• 31:18Jillian Turecki?

  Or fall in love with potential, which is a trap.

• 31:20Lewis Howes?

  You cannot do that.

• 31:21Jillian Turecki?

  No, you cannot do that. And also, what defines growth? How do you know that you're growing? You know, because some people will say, they'll go on like, you know, a retreat or do ayahuasca or do something and be like, oh my God, like all of this, you know? And the other person's like, whoa. And then, that doesn't mean that the other person's not growing. So it's like, what really, I think growing as a couple is really important.

• 31:43Lewis Howes?

  That's why I said we've got to do, what do you call it, coaching or therapy?

• 31:47Jillian Turecki?

  I love that.

• 31:48Lewis Howes?

  Committing to it together.

• 31:49Jillian Turecki?

  I love that.

• 31:50Lewis Howes?

  Individual, on our own, and then together.

• 31:53Jillian Turecki?

  I love that.

• 31:53Lewis Howes?

  And, and she was like, yeah, I'm down. So she has her own coach that she works with every two weeks for an hour, an hour and a half to work on her own stuff individually. I do that as well individually, and then we do it together.

• 32:05Jillian Turecki?

  I love that.

• 32:05Lewis Howes?

  From the beginning.

• 32:06Jillian Turecki?

  From the beginning.

• 32:07Lewis Howes?

  Been huge for us.

• 32:08Jillian Turecki?

  Oh. I think it should be non-negotiable.

• 32:12Lewis Howes?

  That's why I said, I was like, it's not negotiable for me.

• 32:14Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 32:14Lewis Howes?

  If it's not something you want, then then find someone else and I'll find someone else or whatever. Yeah.

• 32:18Jillian Turecki?

  Because guess what? No matter how much work we do on ourselves, we're going to be triggered. And that inner child is going to come out screaming and we're going to be like, you know, total ass sometimes. And you know, we're going to have to apologize. I mean, being in a relationship means that you have to know how to forgive and forgive often because oftentimes we will make mistakes with the person we love. And we don't, we didn't even realize that we were doing that. I mean, how many times have you hurt someone's feelings and that was not your intention?

• 32:47Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, so many.

• 32:48Jillian Turecki?

  So many.

• 32:48Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 32:50Jillian Turecki?

  So many times. So I love, you know, if more people, because the problem is that most people enter couples therapy when it's too late.

• 32:59Lewis Howes?

  When it's probably not going to work out.

• 33:01Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, when there's just too many problems and too many things to unpack. I mean, yes, it can work, you know, it can help. But if you can do this stuff preemptively, it's huge. Anything to prevent resentment.

• 33:15Lewis Howes?

  And pain and suffering and frustration.

• 33:18Jillian Turecki?

  Anything, you know, to foster honest conversations, you're gonna, you're gonna win. Even if you end up breaking up, you're going to still win because at least it won't be the kind of breakup that destroys you.

• 33:32Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, this like six months, like exhausting, painful.

• 33:36Jillian Turecki?

  Exactly.

• 33:37Lewis Howes?

  Hurtful, back and forth.

• 33:38Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah. And that's true. You know what? That's trauma.

• 33:41Lewis Howes?

  Oh, yeah, huge. And that'll hold people back from opening their heart in the next relationship.

• 33:47Jillian Turecki?

  See it all the time. People are walking around so wounded and so closed.

• 33:52Lewis Howes?

  What is the most unpopular thing or truth about relationships that most people don't want to know?

• 33:58Jillian Turecki?

  I'll tell you straight up that every relationship you've ever had had one thing in common and that was you. Just like every relationship I've ever had is one thing in common, that's me. It's not that all, all of them cheat, it's that you keep cheating, you keep choosing cheaters. It's not that, you know, all of them are narcissists. It's that you're choosing the narcissist. It's not that, um, you know, all of them are this or that. You're choosing them. You're part of that. And.

• 34:30Jillian Turecki?

  It's such an uncomfortable truth because, you know, people don't wanna see that in themselves, but it is the path to your freedom, a hundred percent. Every, every relationship we have ever had has been a mirror. And it shows us where, sometimes it reflects back to us where we've done a lot of work and it's lovely. Sometimes it reflects back to us how wonderful we are. And oftentimes, in their past, if it hasn't worked out, it's gonna reflect where our self-worth is, where our immaturity is, where our trauma is. Every relationship we've ever had will reflect back to us the relationship we have with ourselves.

• 35:15Jillian Turecki?

  Period, end of story. And if you can't, if one cannot actually accept that, they're just gonna keep repeating patterns, guaranteed.

• 35:23Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 35:24Jillian Turecki?

  Guaranteed. If your picker is off and busted because...

• 35:29Lewis Howes?

  Man, mine was off for years.

• 35:30Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, because, you know, like, whatever, you're addicted to the chaos, or daddy did this, or mommy did this.

• 35:36Lewis Howes?

  Which is familiar.

• 35:37Jillian Turecki?

  It's, of course, it's familiar, and this is, this is very real. I don't mean to say it cavalierly, I mean, it's real. But then you better, you have to recondition yourself to understand what a healthy person is, and go for that, and become healthy yourself. Because most toxic relationships, of course, there are abusive relationships, where there is actually a very clear victim and a very clear perpetrator. But most of the time, what people refer to as toxic, which is just an overused term, and, you know, the current zeitgeist, but when people refer to toxic, it's two people with consistent, because we get unregulated once in a while,

• 36:19Jillian Turecki?

  that's called being human, with consistent, unregulated emotional states, blaming each other for each other's pain. And not taking responsibility.

• 36:28Lewis Howes?

  You did this to me. You made me feel this way. What you did hurt me.

• 36:32Jillian Turecki?

  And they're constantly unregulated. That's toxicity. Now, I was, when in my twenties, in a horrendous relationship. Talk about chemistry, because once you have chemistry with someone,

• 36:44Lewis Howes?

  You're screwed.

• 36:45Jillian Turecki?

  You're screwed.

• 36:46Lewis Howes?

  Screwed. You feel this chemical connection. You're like, this feeling, you're intoxicated.

• 36:50Jillian Turecki?

  It's a rap. And the thing is, if you haven't done work on yourself, you're gonna have that chemical explosion with the one person who's bad for you. And oftentimes, the person who's the best in bed is the person who's the worst for you. And usually, they're just, you find, the sex is amazing with them because there's a danger and then there's also a familiarity. I mean, we can-

• 37:11Lewis Howes?

  It's like a trauma bonding or something.

• 37:12Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, exactly. So I remember in my twenties, I was in a relationship with someone for about a year, who, without question, is toxic. Like, there's just-

• 37:22Lewis Howes?

  Right. You could feel it. You knew it.

• 37:24Jillian Turecki?

  Everyone knows it.

• 37:25Lewis Howes?

  They're like, what are you doing with this guy?

• 37:26Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 37:27Lewis Howes?

  He's treating you this way?

• 37:28Jillian Turecki?

  Everyone knows it. It's just, it's a fact, right?

• 37:30Lewis Howes?

  But why did you stay, then?

• 37:32Jillian Turecki?

  Exactly. Where's the toxicity in me? The low self-worth and all of that? Because the thing about being in a very unhealthy relationship is two people really bringing out the worst in each other.

• 37:43Lewis Howes?

  Not the best, yeah.

• 37:44Jillian Turecki?

  Definitely not even close to the best. To the point where that, when that relationship ends, part of getting over that relationship is trying to overcome the shame that you feel for like, even going there.

• 37:59Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. I was there. How long of a life did I have with this person? The time and the energy and why would I, how could I do this? And what was, I think, the shame, the guilt, right?

• 38:06Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah. And also, just some of the things that you did. That's, like, how did I do that?

• 38:10Lewis Howes?

  How did I react this way?

• 38:12Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah. Like, that boundary that I do, or like, that thing that I said, like, yeah.

• 38:17Lewis Howes?

  This is interesting. I ask people this sometimes. And I ask my younger self this now. I'm like, if sex was off the table, would I have stayed in certain relationships? And there's no way.

• 38:28Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 38:28Lewis Howes?

  Zero chance I would have stayed after a year, two years of feeling like I'm abandoning myself, or getting screamed at every week, or whatever. I've been like, what am I doing this for? Like-

• 38:37Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 38:38Lewis Howes?

  Why would I stay in this thing?

• 38:39Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 38:40Lewis Howes?

  Whatever reason, that chemical bonds you for a moment, and it's so strong, and then you're like- Okay, well, let's have a few good days and then it goes back into chaos. And you're like,

• 38:50Jillian Turecki?

  Yep. Yep.

• 38:51Lewis Howes?

  Let's get back to that feeling, right?

• 38:53Jillian Turecki?

  A hundred percent.

• 38:53Lewis Howes?

  But if you took that off the table, or if you just waited, for as long as you could.

• 38:58Jillian Turecki?

  Absolutely.

• 39:00Lewis Howes?

  I'm not saying to wait till marriage, but if you wait until you get to experience someone over and over and over again in lots of scenarios, and you felt safe and peaceful,

• 39:10Lewis Howes?

  then maybe, okay, you can start into that sexual interaction, but

• 39:14Jillian Turecki?

  And you can make out.

• 39:15Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, of course. I'm just talking about intercourse, right?

• 39:17Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 39:18Lewis Howes?

  But if you took it off the table and you asked yourself, would I be in this if we didn't have sex for a year? Probably you wouldn't.

• 39:24Jillian Turecki?

  Yes, exactly.

• 39:25Lewis Howes?

  If I'm not gonna have sex for a year with this person, would I put up with this behavior?

• 39:27Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 39:28Lewis Howes?

  Like get screamed at, would I be yelled at? Like, no.

• 39:30Jillian Turecki?

  Exactly.

• 39:31Lewis Howes?

  I don't need this.

• 39:32Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, I don't need this, exactly. And people, they don't wanna wait. And I always say, build that emotional intimacy first. Well, what if the sex is bad? You know what? You can work on it. And when you're making out with them, you know anyway. You can have some idea if there's

• 39:46Lewis Howes?

  It feels connection by making out.

• 39:47Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, if there's, you know there's chemistry from a kiss, period.

• 39:50Lewis Howes?

  Exactly.

• 39:51Jillian Turecki?

  So you don't have to go there.

• 39:54Lewis Howes?

  And some, I've heard this a lot lately. They're like, if someone is boring, you should run towards them, not away from them. You know what I mean?

• 40:02Jillian Turecki?

  If all you know is chaos.

• 40:04Lewis Howes?

  Is chemical chaos, right? You should run to, that's a safer environment. It doesn't mean he's the one or she's the one

• 40:10Jillian Turecki?

  Right.

• 40:11Lewis Howes?

  to be with for you. But start looking at people that make you feel comfortable and safe.

• 40:17Jillian Turecki?

  Yes, where you can, I tell people all the time who have that pattern of always just dating emotionally unavailable people or people that have been wrong for them. And usually what that person doesn't have the self-esteem necessary to be in a relationship with someone who is gonna respect them and love them. But I tell them, just practice, go towards boring. Exactly. Go towards that person so that you can have an experience of being in the presence of someone who you could potentially date, and you can just be totally yourself.

• 40:52Lewis Howes?

  One hundred percent yourself.

• 40:53Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 40:54Lewis Howes?

  Authentically you.

• 40:55Jillian Turecki?

  No errors, no strategizing to get someone to be more interested. Yeah, you can flirt and do all that fun stuff, but no strategizing to get someone to be more interested in you. Just you. And that is, I mean, that's like revolutionary for some people.

• 41:11Lewis Howes?

  It's funny, when I first started dating Martha, I told her early on, I go, If we hang out and you wanna like hang out as dating, you know, I'm gonna tell you 100% the truth about who I am. Everything about me upfront, I'm gonna tell you. What I like, what I don't like, what my vision is, what my priorities are, I'm gonna tell you everything and I'm never gonna change for you. Like you either accept me.

• 41:32Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 41:33Lewis Howes?

  Or you don't, and it's not like you're bad or we can't be friends, but if we're gonna enter in a relationship, I need to feel safe and I want you to feel safe to be fully authentic of who you are. Your full expression, be it, flourish, grow. Like I want this to be an environment of peace and harmony, so you can be yourself and say, but I want the same thing in return.

• 41:55Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 41:55Lewis Howes?

  Otherwise, what are we doing?

• 41:56Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 41:57Lewis Howes?

  Why are we trying to dim our light in someone?

• 41:59Jillian Turecki?

  How did you get to that level of confidence to be able to say that to someone?

• 42:02Lewis Howes?

  I was so willing to be alone and in peace than replicate the same pattern of choosing someone based on the chemical connection, not the spiritual connection.

• 42:18Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 42:18Lewis Howes?

  So I chose because of chemical connections, cuz I would just go there quickly.

• 42:24Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 42:25Lewis Howes?

  And then I was like, oh, this is a great feeling, this, okay, I must love this person or like this person, let's see where it goes, right? And let's keep going back to that feeling.

• 42:33Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 42:34Lewis Howes?

  As opposed to creating a spiritual intimacy and authentic connection without sex.

• 42:41Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 42:42Lewis Howes?

  That was the game changer. And it took me, I don't know, 20 years to figure that out and multiple painful experiences. Because once I commit to something, then I wanna make it work.

• 42:52Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 42:52Lewis Howes?

  Then I'm like, I'll change whoever I am to make you happy. Cuz I want this to work, right? It's like the athlete in me, it's like, okay, if this isn't working, who, who'd I need to shift to be so that you're happy? And then after two years of relationships, when people aren't happy, I'm like, I'm exhausted. I've changed every part of who I am, my identity, to try to make someone happy who is just not a happy person. Or we're just not the right fit, because we got bonded chemically, not spiritually.

• 43:18Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 43:19Lewis Howes?

  And we never had the courageous conversations early on about what we truly want in life.

• 43:25Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 43:25Lewis Howes?

  So I wanted a certain life, they didn't want that life, but we were connected. And that's why early on, I was just like, this is who I am. This is my priorities. This is my life. This is my lifestyle. This is my vision for my life. This is a vision for a relationship that I want. Is that something that seems interesting to you?

• 43:44Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 43:45Lewis Howes?

  Without having the sexual chemistry yet, right? Connection, bond.

• 43:49Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 43:50Lewis Howes?

  And her being able to critically and emotionally think without that sexual bond.

• 43:55Jillian Turecki?

  Mm hmm.

• 43:56Lewis Howes?

  And be like, clear minded.

• 43:58Jillian Turecki?

  Very important also for a woman.

• 43:59Lewis Howes?

  Clear minded, like, yeah, I totally accept this and I like this and yeah, this sounds good to me. And, and me and Martha did exercises early on, before we got committed. Uh, we went to Sedona, I took her to Sedona in a vortex and I created a vision and values exercise. Where I said, I want you to write down all your values. I don't want to see them. And I'm gonna write down all my values. And we're gonna look at this together and see, is there alignment? Or really, your key things in life are not the same as what I want.

• 44:28Jillian Turecki?

  Hmm.

• 44:28Lewis Howes?

  And every time we'd do this, I was like, this may be the end of our like journey of dating and, and this process. Um, because I want you to be so happy in a partnership. I want you to be thriving, safe, in an alignment of your, I don't want you to change your life. I want you to find a good match.

• 44:47Jillian Turecki?

  Mm hmm.

• 44:48Lewis Howes?

  That supports your life. And I want that for me. So I want that for both of us. So this was all before that sexual, you know, connection.

• 44:58Jillian Turecki?

  Look, if more people did that, more people would be happier. I mean, it's also a huge paradigm shift when it comes to relationship. Cause we're really talking about like seriously conscious relationships.

• 45:09Lewis Howes?

  Conscious, not hookup culture.

• 45:11Jillian Turecki?

  Not hookup culture or not just like of the, the relationship of our parents. Where it's just like, there's very specific roles. Yeah, it's a completely different, and I, what I would just add to that so that people understand, cause I also worked with a lot of people that are expecting perfection.

• 45:30Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 45:32Jillian Turecki?

  And it's so important that, so one of the things that I have people write down.

• 45:37Lewis Howes?

  They need to be perfect themselves then, if that's what they're expecting.

• 45:40Jillian Turecki?

  And that's, to me, that's just too much pressure personally.

• 45:42Lewis Howes?

  Too much.

• 45:43Jillian Turecki?

  So one of the things that I have singles write down is, what are you willing to tolerate?

• 45:48Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 45:49Jillian Turecki?

  Like be clear about what you will not tolerate, be clear about your values and your vision, but what are you willing to tolerate? Like, can they be a little messy?

• 45:56Lewis Howes?

  Right, right. And then I clean up after themselves once in a while.

• 45:59Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah. Like, can they, can they be a little introverted? You know, can they, what are you willing to tolerate? Because. You're, you cannot have your expectations so high. Like, can you, can you tolerate, like, I don't know, like, because people have like these really strict standards about how other people look.

• 46:23Lewis Howes?

  In a relationship, you mean?

• 46:25Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, no, like, how they physically look and all of that. Yeah, oh, yeah, you know, like, this is my type and whatnot. And it's like, okay, I understand what, you know, we all have a thing about what we find, you know, stereotypically beautiful and what is our type. But chances are, the person who you're really gonna fall in love with, they're not necessarily the person that you would necessarily think, you know?

• 46:47Lewis Howes?

  I've said that to Martha, I was like, 10 years ago, I don't think I would have been, like, as attracted to you.

• 46:53Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 46:53Lewis Howes?

  She's extremely attractive and beautiful and sexy.

• 46:56Jillian Turecki?

  Got nothing to do with that.

• 46:56Lewis Howes?

  Right, but it wasn't like my ultimate type, if I say.

• 47:01Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 47:01Lewis Howes?

  From like a wound.

• 47:02Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 47:03Lewis Howes?

  But from a healthy place, she's like the best match, right? So it's.

• 47:07Jillian Turecki?

  Exactly. When you change yourself, you change who you're attracted to.

• 47:09Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely, yeah.

• 47:10Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 47:11Lewis Howes?

  You're not gonna keep repeating the type that doesn't work.

• 47:14Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, unavailable becomes boring, um, you know, all the things that, when you're, because when you're so connected to what's really important to you, not just important to you in life, but what's really important to you in terms of how you wanna feel in a relationship. Because I really think, as I'm sure you know, that a relationship, when it's good, it has the power to really heal.

• 47:36Lewis Howes?

  Heal.

• 47:38Jillian Turecki?

  It's so healing, and when it's not good, it is, you, you could be killing it at work. Your career could be on point, you could have all the money in your bank, you could even have your health. If your relationship's not going well, you're gonna wake up empty. And that's just the bottom line, it's just how it goes.

• 47:56Lewis Howes?

  And it drains the rest of your life.

• 47:58Jillian Turecki?

  Oh, it's all encompassing.

• 47:59Lewis Howes?

  For someone like me, it's very hard to be struggling in a relationship and not have some of that pulled into my work and my life and my, you know, it's like.

• 48:07Jillian Turecki?

  For anyone.

• 48:08Lewis Howes?

  Because I'm just thinking about it all day.

• 48:10Jillian Turecki?

  For anyone, it's that intense, it's that exhausting. But when it's right, not perfect, but when it's right, you can heal, you can heal a lot, when someone loves you.

• 48:22Jillian Turecki?

  When someone really sees you and loves you, it can heal the parts of you that don't love yourself, basically.

• 48:31Lewis Howes?

  Wow. What do you think are three questions that everyone should ask before they have sex or before they get committed exclusively in a relationship?

• 48:45Jillian Turecki?

  The three questions they should ask?

• 48:49Jillian Turecki?

  Well, for sure, do you want to have kids or not? I mean, they might be at an age where that's a given, right? That there's not going to be any kids.

• 48:58Lewis Howes?

  Sure, sure.

• 48:58Jillian Turecki?

  Right. So, do you see yourself as a parent? You know, because I don't. Or I really must have a child.

• 49:11Jillian Turecki?

  And this goes along with your eight things. Another question before they're committed is...

• 49:16Lewis Howes?

  I think it's nine now.

• 49:17Jillian Turecki?

  Okay, nine.

• 49:18Lewis Howes?

  Which is something I did this time, but I forgot to add it down there. But I like that.

• 49:23Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, wait, just wait.

• 49:24Lewis Howes?

  Wait.

• 49:24Jillian Turecki?

  Wait.

• 49:27Jillian Turecki?

  What does money mean to you? How do you like to spend it?

• 49:32Lewis Howes?

  That's one of the biggest pain points in relationships, right?

• 49:34Jillian Turecki?

  Oh, big time. How do you like to spend it?

• 49:39Lewis Howes?

  Most people never ask that question.

• 49:40Jillian Turecki?

  No.

• 49:41Lewis Howes?

  And they just assume this person handles their money the way I handle my money.

• 49:44Jillian Turecki?

  Exactly. Or they have money, or they don't have money, whatever it is.

• 49:49Jillian Turecki?

  And how should we... When life gets really stressful, when the crap hits the fan in life in a big way, and we have to really meet some serious demands in life, what is going to be our strategy or attempt to find our way back to each other?

• 50:13Jillian Turecki?

  What's going to happen, you know, when the baby is screaming and, you know, we can't have sex for a couple of weeks? You know, or someone's had surgery? Like, how are we going to address the elephant in the room? Are we going to make sure that there is no elephant in the room? How are we going to find our way back to each other? How much... More specifically, you said three. What's an acceptable amount of time to not... to go without having intercourse? And why?

• 50:42Lewis Howes?

  How important is sex in a healthy long-term relationship?

• 50:45Jillian Turecki?

  I think it's very important, although it's also critically important to note that sex doesn't mean the same thing to everyone. And so I think that sex is really important, but it has to be, once again, aligned between two people. There are two people who can have a beautiful relationship and not have that much sex because of the meaning that sex has for them. And whereas someone else, it has a completely different meaning. But I really believe that, you know, if you're not passionate about each other, whether, you know, you don't want to touch each other, then you have more of a friendship. And some relationships, some people are okay with that.

• 51:28Jillian Turecki?

  They really are okay with that, so I'm not here to judge that. But I think that it's really important to feel passionate about the person that you're with. It's going to change over the years and you have to put certain practices into place,

• 51:44Jillian Turecki?

  such as, you know, date nights and, you know, spending a little time apart but not too much time apart. You know, making sure that you're managing your stress so that you don't become rigid and tense, because the whole physiology of stress is the opposite of openness. It's the opposite. And so we don't really, we're not attracted to our partner when they're stressed out.

• 52:08Lewis Howes?

  No.

• 52:09Jillian Turecki?

  And we don't feel particularly sexy and in the mood to have sex when we're stressed out. You know, it's just not really sexy, stress.

• 52:17Jillian Turecki?

  So I think that that's really what's more important, and I think passion's important. Yeah, to really pay attention to that. I also think friendship's important, and some people would say, you know, the friendship's overrated. I think it's all important. To work on all of it, as long as you have other people in your life who you have, that you have other friends. Your partner can't be your only friend.

• 52:42Lewis Howes?

  No. Gosh, I talk about Martha a lot, my girlfriend, but she is, she's so wise because she has great girlfriends, great relationship with her sister, her mom, and her like family dynamics.

• 52:55Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 52:56Lewis Howes?

  And she's also got her own coach, you know, therapy coach to work on just life stuff, whatever's opening up for her. So she does an amazing job of not coming to me every day or every week with the stresses that she's facing, or just the challenges, right?

• 53:11Jillian Turecki?

  She has other outlets.

• 53:12Lewis Howes?

  And she communicates with the women in her life.

• 53:15Jillian Turecki?

  Mm-hmm.

• 53:15Lewis Howes?

  To support, just to have conversations. It's not like she's dumping on people, right? But it's just talking through things.

• 53:20Jillian Turecki?

  Very important.

• 53:21Lewis Howes?

  And then, she's good. By the time I'm like hanging out with her or I see her at night, she's, she doesn't have to bring it to me. She does sometimes, but it's not from a overwhelmed place. It's from a, okay, I've already processed this a little bit. Can I get your opinion on something? I'm just kind of struggling with this. And it's incredibly healthy, the way she knows it. Because it doesn't feel like throwing a weight on your partner.

• 53:44Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 53:45Lewis Howes?

  Every day, oh, this is the worst day at work, every day.

• 53:47Jillian Turecki?

  The constant venting, which is different than going through a hard time and vulnerably opening up to your partner and breaking down to your partner, and your partner being there for you.

• 53:55Lewis Howes?

  What happens when someone brings their problems to their partner daily or weekly? Venting. What happens to the relationship?

• 54:02Jillian Turecki?

  It destroys passion, for one.

• 54:04Lewis Howes?

  Why?

• 54:05Jillian Turecki?

  Those are the people who stop having sex, because that's not when you're sexy, is when you're venting. And so, that's just, it's just constant venting and complaining is such a passion killer. It really, really is. And it's okay to complain once in a while. We're human. But complaining really is the passion killer. So if you're in a relationship, even if, if you're in a relationship with a codependent, they're gonna want to fix it constantly. A lot of men have said to me, I can't make my partner. Like, they're complaining constantly and I feel responsible for that. Right? So that's a big one.

• 54:42Lewis Howes?

  And they can't fix it.

• 54:43Jillian Turecki?

  And they can't fix it.

• 54:44Lewis Howes?

  There's nothing I do where it stops them complaining.

• 54:46Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, exactly, exactly.

• 54:47Lewis Howes?

  So you feel like a failure.

• 54:49Jillian Turecki?

  You feel like a failure. So that's a really common narrative with the men who I've worked with. But in general, it's just, it's so, it's so exhausting to be around someone who's constantly complaining. And it's just, it's just a passion killer. And it's like, I think that this is the self-awareness piece. And that's a really, I think a lot of your nine points speaks to something larger, which is just a level of self-awareness. We all have blind spots and we will all behave and act unconsciously sometimes. This is really important. But we have, but self-awareness is so important to be like, oh, I'm complaining a lot.

• 55:30Jillian Turecki?

  Like, this isn't, this isn't adding to the culture of our relationship. This is taking away from it. And so, I'm gonna take that vent to my bestie, who's gonna be like, bring it. And she's gonna complain with me a little bit. We'll just get it out of our systems. And then, bring it. It's really, it's never a good thing when your partner is everything to you.

• 55:56Lewis Howes?

  You gotta have a community.

• 55:58Jillian Turecki?

  You have to have, even if it's just, even if it's a small community, you have to have other sources of love. And people, they fall into these traps where it's like, you're, I only, not only do I expect you unconsciously to be my, my parents, but also my best friend, and my confidante, and my lover, and my this and that. And it's too much pressure. I, I, I can't imagine having to be that, all of that for someone. It's exhausting. So, it's really important that, that A, you are able to go to your partner for the really hard stuff.

• 56:35Jillian Turecki?

  That you're able to break down when something is really, really hard in your life. And that, you know, that when your partner, when you're in pain, your partner listens. But the everyday grievances and stresses and all of that go to someone else as much as possible. You can do it a little bit with your partner here and there. But that, you don't want to be, you don't want the bonding between the two of you to be bonding over pain.

• 57:05Lewis Howes?

  Pain and suffering and complaining.

• 57:07Jillian Turecki?

  It's just, it's a habit. It's a nasty habit.

• 57:09Lewis Howes?

  It's not a high frequency of energy.

• 57:11Jillian Turecki?

  Not at all.

• 57:11Lewis Howes?

  So you're not, you're attracting and connecting based on lower frequencies of energy.

• 57:15Jillian Turecki?

  A hundred percent. And sometimes that'll happen and it just takes one person being, deciding to be the leader in their relationship. Being like, hey babe, we're doing this too much. Let's snap out of it. You're right. We're like way doing this. Let's snap out of it. And that's the camaraderie of relationship. That's the partnership part of relationship. It's like, yeah, we, when you said something about being of service, it's like, sometimes you have to do the hardest things in service of the relationship. You have to, you have to name the elephant in the room. You have to have the conversation, hard conversation, not just to serve yourself. But you're like, but literally in the service of the relationship. Our relationship needs this level of honesty. Our relationship needs this.

• 57:57Lewis Howes?

  I'm curious about marriage. It seems like the institution of marriage has suffered a lot. Whereas people get married and then, I think over 50% now get divorced within five years or something.

• 58:10Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 58:11Lewis Howes?

  And then Esther Perel said of second marriages, it's like 60 or 70% get divorced. And it just keeps it higher. You think people get wiser and you'd like learn after one marriage. But that's what I've heard based on.

• 58:24Jillian Turecki?

  It's true. And I know why. Do you want to know why?

• 58:27Lewis Howes?

  Tell me why.

• 58:28Jillian Turecki?

  Because people, a lot of people, what they do is that they get divorced and they think, okay, they're the problem. I'm out of that. Or the relationship was the problem. I just need to find another partner and all, and everything's going to be better. And that's not true. Changing partners sometimes is actually very necessary because sometimes, like I said, your picker is busted. And who you choose to be in a relationship matters. But who we choose to show up as matters just as much. And if you, changing partners is, just like we said, love is not enough, changing partners is not enough. And so people get into second marriages, think this is gonna be better this time,

• 59:09Jillian Turecki?

  but they haven't actually done the work, they haven't processed to understand what their part was in the demise of their former relationships. And you have to know your part.

• 59:20Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely. I've interviewed a lot of people who have been together for thirty, forty, fifty years, and I ask them about like the keys to conscious, healthy relationships.

• 59:30Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 59:31Lewis Howes?

  Over decades. Not perfect relationships, all that stuff, but just ones that continue to thrive and seem to get better every year, right? And manage the conflicts and adversities of life. And most people say that eighty percent of the success of a long-term relationship is who you choose.

• 59:49Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 59:49Lewis Howes?

  It's like, like you said, your picker. It's who you choose.

• 59:52Jillian Turecki?

  It matters.

• 59:53Lewis Howes?

  And making sure there's alignment on things. And I think having the courageous conversations before you commit long-term, you know, and being able to get aligned. I'm curious, sticking on marriage, what's your thoughts on creating agreements? Having a written contract before marriage about what each person's committing to? Having a prenuptial agreement where it's like, okay, how do we? What's your thoughts on all that?

• 1:00:18Jillian Turecki?

  I'm in support.

• 1:00:19Lewis Howes?

  Contracts, agreements, prenups, so there's just clarity.

• 1:00:23Jillian Turecki?

  I'm in support. Prenups can be, you know, when there's enough money involved, I think it's necessary. I mean, look, the romantic in me says no, but I'm also practical. So I think prenups are important. I think it's important to know where everyone stands. And I also do love the idea of having like a contract. It's like, we're gonna hold each other accountable, whatever these things are, and that we sign to, you know, whether someone adheres to it or not. I mean, I guess it's like the same thing, if there's a breach of contract, you know, I'm gonna sue you. No, but it's like, you know.

• 1:00:56Lewis Howes?

  It's just having something where you've both agreed on.

• 1:00:58Jillian Turecki?

  I'm in full support.

• 1:00:59Lewis Howes?

  And saying, okay, three years later, here was our contract, and these seven things that you agreed to, you're not creating anymore.

• 1:01:07Jillian Turecki?

  I'm in full support.

• 1:01:08Lewis Howes?

  Or I'm not doing these three things, and I wanna recommit to this.

• 1:01:11Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 1:01:12Lewis Howes?

  Because otherwise, if we don't do any of the things that we say we wanna create in a relationship, Why would it flourish? Why would it thrive?

• 1:01:19Jillian Turecki?

  A hundred percent. I'm in full support.

• 1:01:21Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 1:01:22Jillian Turecki?

  And actually, something that I wanted to go back to about who you choose matters. People, one of the, one of the issues that people face is that in terms of choosing people that are maybe just not well matched for them is that in order to know who is right for you, you have to understand your own psychology. You have to understand yourself. You have to understand where your vulnerabilities lie, where your weaknesses lie, where your strengths are, the trauma that you've been through. You know, if you've been, if you've had a rough go at life, then you're gonna need someone who makes you feel really accepted and safe and doesn't judge you for that. It doesn't give you a hall pass to, to bring that trauma in, but the reality is our past is our past.

• 1:02:06Jillian Turecki?

  And so, understanding who's the right partner for you is not only understanding your psychology, but getting really real with yourself. Because people will say, "Oh, I just wish I was this person. I'm really attracted to outdoorsy people and I just wish I was more outdoorsy. Oh, I could be more outdoorsy." No, you have to be really real with yourself. You hate the outdoors. You might be really attracted to someone who likes the outdoors, but sorry Charlie, like that's not gonna be right, be right for you.

• 1:02:34Lewis Howes?

  You can't sleep in a tent for three nights with bugs. That's not you.

• 1:02:37Jillian Turecki?

  It's not you. You gotta be super real. And like that person who you're really attracted to who does that.

• 1:02:43Lewis Howes?

  It's not gonna work long term.

• 1:02:44Jillian Turecki?

  It's not gonna work long term. You could have a fun fling, but it's not gonna work long term. So really knowing yourself and honoring yourself is how you choose well.

• 1:02:54Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, that could be the summer fling, but then it's like if you're with the outdoorsy guy who that's his, he wants that to be his life, six months in the mountains.

• 1:03:01Jillian Turecki?

  Exactly.

• 1:03:02Lewis Howes?

  And you're like, well, I'm trying to create a stable home with kids in the future.

• 1:03:05Jillian Turecki?

  Exactly. It doesn't work.

• 1:03:07Lewis Howes?

  Doesn't mean they're not a great people.

• 1:03:10Jillian Turecki?

  It's just not gonna work.

• 1:03:11Lewis Howes?

  It's just not what you want for the vision of your life.

• 1:03:13Jillian Turecki?

  Exactly. And people have to get really real with themselves. And they don't. And then they end up paying for that.

• 1:03:19Lewis Howes?

  What's been the biggest? Mistakes you've brought to relationships.

• 1:03:23Jillian Turecki?

  Me personally?

• 1:03:24Lewis Howes?

  That you've later had to realize and take accountability for, oh, okay. Yeah, I was responsible for this or this, or I could have shown up differently.

• 1:03:31Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, for me, definitely it's been in the past codependency. And what it looks like is, it's funny, you know. Relationships are funny. I mean, I've had some really beautiful relationships and I've had some not so beautiful relationships. And that's why certain people are gonna bring out certain things in you, whereas others are not. But I've definitely brought codependency and low self-worth to relationships, like depending on my partner too much for my happiness.

• 1:03:57Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 1:03:57Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:58Lewis Howes?

  What happens when we depend on our partner to make us happy?

• 1:04:01Jillian Turecki?

  Catastrophe. So, here's the paradox. I think that we need to be with someone who wants to make us happier. And that we wanna make, we wanna add value to each other's lives. We wanna make the path easier, but no one can walk our path but ourselves. And so, what happens is that, and it's unconscious, you know, and it's part of it is also conditioning. It's like, be with someone who makes you happy, this or that, you know? The problem is that if you don't feel, at least mostly whole, you know, we all have our things that we're dealing with. But if you feel really fragmented and you think a relationship or another person is going to actually bring all the pieces together,

• 1:04:46Jillian Turecki?

  then what's gonna happen is that you're gonna be really disappointed, because then you're relying on another fallible, flawed human.

• 1:04:54Lewis Howes?

  Imperfect human.

• 1:04:55Jillian Turecki?

  Imperfect human. And you're gonna have all these expectations and your shoulders are gonna be crushed by the weight of failed expectations, constantly.

• 1:05:07Jillian Turecki?

  But, you know, so yeah, I've done that.

• 1:05:10Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:12Jillian Turecki?

  Not really standing on my own two feet emotionally. I have brought stress to a relationship and not my self-awareness around stress to the point where I've closed, or yeah, where I've closed, you know, not been receptive to love.

• 1:05:32Lewis Howes?

  Guarded.

• 1:05:33Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, guarded or just tense and stressed and just totally expecting to be loved anyway.

• 1:05:44Jillian Turecki?

  And it's, it's, you know, relationship is so filled with paradoxes. It's like, yes, they should actually contribute to your happiness. But you also have to know how to make yourself happy. No, you don't have to love yourself completely to be in a relationship. But yes, you have to love yourself at some level, you know? Or you learn to love yourself in a relationship, but also you can't enter a relationship hating yourself. There's just so many paradoxes and I would just say that people just need to find sort of the balance for themselves. And like, the reality is that we should be adding value to each other's lives. We should want to root for our partner and we want to see them win.

• 1:06:27Jillian Turecki?

  And we want to see like their path be just like paved with gold. And we will do anything to help them. But we can't actually pave the path, path for them. And that's the key difference. And we can't expect that from someone.

• 1:06:43Lewis Howes?

  Right. I think that's, you're speaking my language right now because, you know, over the last couple of years of doing my own healing journey, I was just like, if I enter a relationship again, right? It was kind of like if, you know, because I was just like, I'd rather be happy and on my own. No, but I love intimacy and connection. It's like, okay, I want it, but it's like not at the expense of like suffering.

• 1:07:06Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 1:07:07Lewis Howes?

  And abandoning my, my values and my vision and my lifestyle, my needs.

• 1:07:11Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 1:07:12Lewis Howes?

  But I was like, I just want to make sure that I'm always taking care of it and loving myself and taking care of myself. And creating my own joy and happiness and fulfillment, independent of a relationship. Never needing someone, but the way they show up can just add to that joy.

• 1:07:30Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 1:07:30Lewis Howes?

  Add to that happiness. And I want to be in a relationship with someone that is a joyful person. It's kind of like their baseline.

• 1:07:37Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 1:07:37Lewis Howes?

  Because they've processed stuff, they've been on the healing journey, they're, they're whole, not perfect, but whole. And, and continuing to improve, but they're just, their baseline is joy.

• 1:07:47Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:49Lewis Howes?

  When someone's baseline is joy, you don't have to do something to make them joyful. They are joyful.

• 1:07:53Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 1:07:54Lewis Howes?

  And so it's getting your place to a, a state of peace and joy and fulfillment in your own life. So that you don't need the person to make you happy.

• 1:08:03Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 1:08:04Lewis Howes?

  And then you're not going to self abandon, I think, or diminish your self-worth in the relationship. If someone's. abusive or acting out of character consistently. You're not going to stay in that. You're gonna be like, well, that doesn't work for me.

• 1:08:19Jillian Turecki?

  And that's really the key point because honestly, what's epidemic in terms of what I see personally is just low self-esteem. And people, it's sort of like two camps. I see people either being selfish and not appreciating their partner.

• 1:08:36Lewis Howes?

  Not giving enough to their partner.

• 1:08:37Jillian Turecki?

  Not giving enough. Or I see the people tolerating too much BS.

• 1:08:40Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:08:41Jillian Turecki?

  And so to the people who tolerate too much, it's like you something, you have to do something to raise your self-esteem. Something because the what people tolerate out there is what I've tolerated. It's it's unbelievable, actually. But part of that is also because people are so afraid to be alone and they're afraid to start over. And

• 1:09:04Lewis Howes?

  The time invested with that last person.

• 1:09:06Jillian Turecki?

  Exactly. Love your life single. You can really love your life single, but also really want a relationship. I don't want to discourage. I think that life is better in a good relationship. It just is. And and getting love from a partner and sharing and having that exchange is is really profound. But it but, you know, you also have to give up your preferences to be in a relationship.

• 1:09:31Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:09:32Jillian Turecki?

  You know, like I tell single people all the time, like you want to lie in your bed diagonally like go for it. You like all that secret single behavior, enjoy it because when you're in a relationship and you're living with someone, you can't necessarily do that. But you have to really, like you said, being in the position where you'd rather be single than just in something subpar. That is an amazing position to be in.

• 1:09:58Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it's huge.

• 1:09:59Jillian Turecki?

  It's huge.

• 1:10:01Lewis Howes?

  Are you in a relationship right now?

• 1:10:02Jillian Turecki?

  I'm actually not, which is wild. I mean, I guess it's not that wild. I, you know, so the whole reason why I do this is that I taught yoga for 20 years. And so yoga is like the probably the most important thing in my life, other than people in my life. And I had a really difficult marriage that only lasted two years. It was like actually.

• 1:10:27Lewis Howes?

  How long were you together for before?

• 1:10:28Jillian Turecki?

  Four years. Well, we were together two years prior to that. And interesting, this is an interesting story. So I would say ninety percent was perfect before we got married. But the ten percent that wasn't was so, so profound. And yeah, I felt seen, safe, loved, adored. I adored him. We, we had amazing rapport. We laughed hysterically. I really like it when I make people laugh. If you can understand, I have a really dark, nasty sense of humor. So if you can understand my sense of humor, I immediately feel very connected to you, right? And so we really connected and, but there were things that,

• 1:11:10Jillian Turecki?

  that I would never tolerate. And this is something like, we're cool, like I, things not working out with him. And then my mother died. So I went through a lot of tragedy to get to the place where I am now. But I'm very cool with him. In fact, I have a joke that I should probably, that he should probably send me a bill. Because I have this whole career based on this relationship that I had with him.

• 1:11:35Lewis Howes?

  The wisdom you gain from this experience.

• 1:11:36Jillian Turecki?

  So I'm actually very grateful. But there is an interesting story, which is that we went to, we were about eight months into our relationship. And I felt totally in love. We were both totally in love. And I don't know what triggered this because this was a while ago and I just don't, I just don't think about it anymore. It's not traumatic for me. But something triggered him and he had a proclivity towards avoidance. And I had the proclivity towards anxiety. And my father was very, very avoidant and shut down. So here we are.

• 1:12:11Lewis Howes?

  Anxious and avoidant is not a good combination.

• 1:12:13Jillian Turecki?

  It's not a good combination. So it's a bad combination, but so he was shut down over something that I have absolutely, something that was not warranted. And we went to this show called

• 1:12:26Lewis Howes?

  It was his own traumas.

• 1:12:27Jillian Turecki?

  It was totally his own stuff. This was not something that, I mean, I could take a lot of responsibility and have, but this is not something that I did. It was something that he interpreted. So we went to this show called Sleep No More. And I don't know if you've heard of it, but it was like a thing in New York and it was really, really crazy and really cool. And you get there and they give you like these masks, like from Scream, basically, like these crazy masks. And so you, even though if you go with someone, it's a very, you kind of get separate, they separate you.

• 1:12:56Lewis Howes?

  They take you into rooms and it's a whole

• 1:12:57Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, so it's a very solitary experience and everyone's behind a mask. So you're having your own experience. But on our way there, I could, he was in what would be the first of many of like these moods where he would shut down and I didn't know what was going on. Back then, I didn't have the courage to say, what is going on? Like, speak up, like what's hap- did I do something?

• 1:13:20Lewis Howes?

  Let's talk about this.

• 1:13:20Jillian Turecki?

  Let's talk about it. Now, it wouldn't even, yeah.

• 1:13:26Lewis Howes?

  You didn't have the tools then.

• 1:13:27Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, I didn't have the tools and I didn't have the self-esteem then.

• 1:13:30Lewis Howes?

  The courage to speak up.

• 1:13:31Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, all of it. And so when we went, he was totally shut down. We were separated, but there were times where you would recognize a person because you know what they're wearing and I would be so psyched to connect with him and he would pretend like he didn't see me. It was like a total stonewalling. And I was so incredibly upset. And all I could think about is I gotta get this relationship back on track. Like I have to like make this better.

• 1:13:56Lewis Howes?

  From that one day?

• 1:13:57Jillian Turecki?

  From that, from that one night because he was ston- I knew that, I was like, his feelings changed about me. I have to make sure that I, that whatever it is that triggered him doesn't trigger him again. So all this stuff came up.

• 1:14:09Lewis Howes?

  So you interpreted that too?

• 1:14:10Jillian Turecki?

  Yes, exactly. So I, so I got really anxious, you know, I, low self-esteem.

• 1:14:15Lewis Howes?

  It's not perfect.

• 1:14:15Jillian Turecki?

  I don't wanna, or like, it's not that it wasn't perfect, it was really bad. If, so in other words, If I were to encounter that today, that relationship would have ended that day.

• 1:14:27Lewis Howes?

  You'd be like, hey, this doesn't work for me, yeah.

• 1:14:29Jillian Turecki?

  Without question, it actually wouldn't even been a conversation. It just would have ended because I would have known from a value system perspective and also from what is good for me, that that is absolutely, we can, we can have fights, we can have disagreements, but that is not allowed in my world. So, um, so I've changed a lot and the relationships that I've had since then, because we split many years ago, have been super healthy and super, super lovely. Just not in alignment with what it is I really want. And I am just like you, like I would rather, yes, companionship is great and having someone tell you you're beautiful and lovely and friendship is great. Yeah, but what I want is something like,

• 1:15:13Jillian Turecki?

  I'm looking more to the future now in a way that I haven't in the past. So I ended something fairly recently that was lovely, that it was not painful. It was super, super healthy. And I guess I'm sharing, part of the reason why I'm sharing this story is that some relation, just because a relationship ends, it doesn't have to be a drama. It can be lovely. There's no pathology to a relationship ending. You could just be going in two separate directions and that is okay.

• 1:15:44Lewis Howes?

  What's the best way to end a relationship consciously? To minimize as much friction or drama. And one person may be resentful or frustrated or hurt and sad that you can't control. But what's the best way to end a relationship? In peace.

• 1:16:01Jillian Turecki?

  Accountability. I love you and I know I really messed some of this up. And I'm sorry. That's one way. But I just don't see that this is something that is good for us anymore. So you, you include yourself in the conversation, meaning you're not blaming the other person. You take full responsibility.

• 1:16:25Jillian Turecki?

  You know, I remember ending one thing a few years back saying, "I love you, but I love myself more." And because of that, like, "You're on your path, I'm on mine." And it doesn't, it's not gonna work long term. So, I wish you nothing but the best. Like, I truly wish you nothing but the best. That's obviously difficult if you're in a relationship that's had a lot of hardship. But even in the ones that have been the ugliest,

• 1:16:56Jillian Turecki?

  you can really turn it around by being a better person when you break up with them than you were when you were in a relationship. If you've never taken accountability, that's your time.

• 1:17:11Jillian Turecki?

  You can learn a lot about someone by the way they break up with you. You can tell a lot about-

• 1:17:16Lewis Howes?

  That's kind of who they are.

• 1:17:17Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, well-

• 1:17:18Lewis Howes?

  How they show up.

• 1:17:19Jillian Turecki?

  It's their level of consciousness at the time.

• 1:17:21Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:27Jillian Turecki?

  Exactly, exactly.

• 1:17:29Lewis Howes?

  Man, people can be really nasty. I've always wanted to end a relationship like peaceful, I want the best for you.

• 1:17:35Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:35Lewis Howes?

  I take responsibility for my part. I want the best for you, I hope you have an amazing life. That's always been kind of my stance.

• 1:17:42Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:17:43Lewis Howes?

  For whatever reason, I've chosen people that are like, "I hate you, you're horrible, I can't believe you're doing this to me."

• 1:17:49Jillian Turecki?

  Like a storm.

• 1:17:50Lewis Howes?

  And then want to hold on to it for years.

• 1:17:52Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 1:17:53Lewis Howes?

  And like, try to get at me some way. I never understood that.

• 1:17:58Jillian Turecki?

  Drama.

• 1:17:58Lewis Howes?

  I never understood why people will hold on to some relationship for a year or years after and keep trying to pull them down.

• 1:18:08Lewis Howes?

  When all I try to do is like, "I just want the best for you." It's like, "Cool."

• 1:18:11Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:12Lewis Howes?

  I don't understand that.

• 1:18:13Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:14Lewis Howes?

  But again, that's me choosing.

• 1:18:16Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, I mean-

• 1:18:17Lewis Howes?

  From a wound.

• 1:18:17Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, it's choosing from a wound and them being in their wound, you know? All of that.

• 1:18:22Lewis Howes?

  And you can never do enough for someone to be, you know, there's no way to end it with that person. They're just gonna be upset at you no matter what.

• 1:18:29Jillian Turecki?

  Well, the worst thing is ghosting.

• 1:18:33Jillian Turecki?

  And you know, I mean.

• 1:18:35Lewis Howes?

  Ending a relationship by ghosting them?

• 1:18:36Jillian Turecki?

  I mean, yeah, it's one thing to ghost someone that you went on a couple of dates with, which I think is just totally immature, but it's another thing to ghost someone that you've been in a relationship with. And people DM me, they write to me, "My boyfriend of five years, he just disappeared." No, I'm telling you, and I get that a lot.

• 1:18:52Lewis Howes?

  That's painful.

• 1:18:53Jillian Turecki?

  That is trauma, that's big T trauma in many ways. That is, that is psychological abuse.

• 1:19:00Lewis Howes?

  They just years and disappear.

• 1:19:02Jillian Turecki?

  I mean, obviously, there were things that were wrong in the relationship, but the way that they ended it was to just disappear.

• 1:19:07Lewis Howes?

  They were very avoidant, right?

• 1:19:09Jillian Turecki?

  You did, I mean.

• 1:19:11Lewis Howes?

  They weren't willing to have the conversation, they just wanted to avoid the pain.

• 1:19:14Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, and then just disappear.

• 1:19:16Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:19:16Jillian Turecki?

  It's, that's a highly dysfunctional thing to do to someone.

• 1:19:20Lewis Howes?

  But it's also, you gotta look at it as, yes, it's a trauma, but you also have to say, "Well, at least it happened where I'm not in this relationship," right? At least it's not, "I'm not with a person for the rest of my life like this."

• 1:19:31Jillian Turecki?

  And you can get to that point, and that would be, and that's the healing to get to that point. But at first, you have to get over the fact that you, the abandonment, and that takes a long time to get over.

• 1:19:41Lewis Howes?

  What's the biggest wound you've had to heal?

• 1:19:43Jillian Turecki?

  In myself? Definitely the abandonment wound, the father wound. I've made a lot of peace with my father, which I'm very, very happy about. And it's more just peace within myself, more than anything else.

• 1:19:59Lewis Howes?

  What, what does that look like within you? Peace within yourself?

• 1:20:03Jillian Turecki?

  It's remembering, it's remembering to, to think of him and see him through the filter of my level of consciousness now versus the level of consciousness I had as a teenager, as a child. It's about having compassion, seeing them, seeing him as a human being.

• 1:20:23Jillian Turecki?

  It's also, you know, you don't have to, I don't have to be afraid anymore. I don't have to worry anymore. I don't, I don't. Some of the memories that I have with him in the past, I can just look at, I can change the story a little bit. I can relate to the story that I have with him differently. And I think that that's, that's real healing. That is what really heals trauma, is being able to make some sort of peace, even if you never speak to that parent again, because I know everyone has different circumstances. Some people have been through really horrendous things with family members. But I'm always helping people,

• 1:21:06Jillian Turecki?

  and I feel honored to do so. And I don't feel like an imposter doing it, knowing that I've done, that I've done that work as well.

• 1:21:16Jillian Turecki?

  Helping people to look at whatever troubled relationship they have with a parent, and to find some peace with that, to see them as just a flawed human being, who did, they did the best that they could. Also, to,

• 1:21:35Jillian Turecki?

  sometimes when we have a troubling relationship with a parent, the memories that, that we hold on to are all the negative ones. And our mind will disregard the things that are maybe good. And even if it's not a good memory, it's like there's something actually positive there. But we get so attached to the story and to the wound that we actually suppress some of the good stuff, because for that to come up might be too difficult. That's number one. Number two, you have to grieve the parent that you wished that you had and maybe that you deserved to have. You have to really properly grieve that and come to a true acceptance of the fact that your parent is not who you needed them to be.

• 1:22:22Jillian Turecki?

  You have to accept that. That that is just one of the cards that life had for you. And we all have things that, you know. Haven't really worked out.

• 1:22:33Lewis Howes?

  And what happens if we don't accept that?

• 1:22:35Jillian Turecki?

  Your relationships will will bear the brunt of that.

• 1:22:38Lewis Howes?

  You'll suffer.

• 1:22:39Jillian Turecki?

  You'll suffer a lot. And um we do, you know, the the subconscious mind is very powerful, so we will. It's part of self-awareness is to be like, oh, I'm not seeing my partner right now. I'm seeing mommy, I'm seeing daddy and like being able to like. Mitigate that. But if you really, really struggle with a parent, there's no peace. It's constant projecting. Either you're picking partners that represent the worst part of the parent that represent the. Or represent the thing that you still need to work out. I mean, there's a lot of theories, a lot of psychiatrists and psychologists have had theories. Freud being one of them. Uh probably the first one to say, you know, you will pick partners. Who will remind you of a troubled parent or troubling relationship with a parent.

• 1:23:23Jillian Turecki?

  So you can work it out with them.

• 1:23:25Lewis Howes?

  So you can fix it and resolve it.

• 1:23:27Jillian Turecki?

  And that's when actually healing can happen in a relationship if two people are willing to do the work. Like, oh, we're bringing all our trauma, and if they can work through it. That can be profound.

• 1:23:37Lewis Howes?

  But you can't fix someone else. They have to be willing to.

• 1:23:40Jillian Turecki?

  You cannot. It has to be collaborative. It has to be a hundred percent collaborative.

• 1:23:45Lewis Howes?

  And also, if you're trying to fix someone else, it's meaning you don't accept them.

• 1:23:48Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 1:23:49Lewis Howes?

  For who they are.

• 1:23:49Jillian Turecki?

  A hundred percent.

• 1:23:51Lewis Howes?

  Not saying that's the healthiest choice you should have, but you're not accepting them.

• 1:23:54Jillian Turecki?

  No.

• 1:23:55Lewis Howes?

  And so you're judging them.

• 1:23:56Jillian Turecki?

  You're judging them constantly.

• 1:23:57Lewis Howes?

  Judgment doesn't support.

• 1:23:58Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:59Lewis Howes?

  In a relationship.

• 1:23:59Jillian Turecki?

  But there's all sorts of, no, it doesn't. And there's all sorts of things. I mean, there's some people who are really attracted to people who are who are quote unquote broken. Because then maybe get to be the rescuer. I mean, we're all playing out these roles all the time.

• 1:24:11Lewis Howes?

  But what happens when someone? Is the fixture and tries to rescue in a relationship? Can that be healthy long term?

• 1:24:18Jillian Turecki?

  No. Because also, I believe that deep down, no one actually wants to be rescued. I think that, this is the thing.

• 1:24:27Lewis Howes?

  This is the fairy tale lie of women.

• 1:24:29Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 1:24:29Lewis Howes?

  Some guys are gonna come and rescue them.

• 1:24:31Jillian Turecki?

  Yes, I mean, so there's one argument to say that, oh, yeah, deep down, all they want to do is be rescued. But. The way that we earn self-esteem for ourselves is to be able to face our problems.

• 1:24:42Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely, ourselves.

• 1:24:44Jillian Turecki?

  Ourselves.

• 1:24:45Lewis Howes?

  With support, but not someone doing it for us.

• 1:24:47Jillian Turecki?

  Yes, and so.

• 1:24:50Jillian Turecki?

  It becomes really, really tricky because then we start to lose respect for ourselves. We start to lose respect for the other person.

• 1:24:56Lewis Howes?

  Who's doing the work for us.

• 1:24:57Jillian Turecki?

  Yes, so having the strength to face our problems, but utilizing help because I really think that's very important. I have invested so much time and money in in support and help and mentorship. I'm a full believer in that, but you have to give someone the privilege of solving their problems.

• 1:25:18Lewis Howes?

  And doing the work for themselves.

• 1:25:19Jillian Turecki?

  And doing the work for themselves.

• 1:25:21Lewis Howes?

  It's true.

• 1:25:22Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:22Lewis Howes?

  I mean, if you just give someone a million dollars, they might feel good for a little bit, but then it's like.

• 1:25:27Jillian Turecki?

  It gets old real quick.

• 1:25:28Lewis Howes?

  Right, and then when you're also just like, okay, I didn't create this, right? I wasn't the one who who created this value for myself.

• 1:25:35Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 1:25:36Lewis Howes?

  You know, if someone just, it's like.

• 1:25:39Jillian Turecki?

  Being handed things on a silver platter.

• 1:25:41Lewis Howes?

  Exactly.

• 1:25:42Jillian Turecki?

  There are lots of people who were raised with being given everything. And there's statistics that prove that a lot of these people also become drug addicts because they never learned how the value of a dollar, how to earn something. Because when you earn stuff for yourself, regardless if it's money or something else, you build confidence in yourself.

• 1:26:01Lewis Howes?

  And you respect it and you respect like the energy and the time towards it and all these different things.

• 1:26:05Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 1:26:07Lewis Howes?

  That's interesting. What do you see is going to be the biggest problem? That I guess more millennials are going to be facing with getting into relationships in their twenties and thirties now with post pandemic and with extreme social media consumption and instant gratification thinking as a society and culture. What is going to be the biggest thing to overcome for people in order to enter healthy relationships moving forward?

• 1:26:38Jillian Turecki?

  To unhook themselves from dopamine.

• 1:26:44Jillian Turecki?

  It's like.

• 1:26:47Jillian Turecki?

  It's like porn addiction.

• 1:26:50Jillian Turecki?

  You know, you can scroll through social media and get a lot of, you know, you're not, you can't scroll through social media and see sex, but you can get a lot of those those dopamine centers in your brain to be activated because of things that you're looking at. And that, and also having your phone on the table when you're having dinner with someone, even if you're not looking at the phone,

• 1:27:16Jillian Turecki?

  pulls your attention away from the person that you're with. And so I think the instant gratification, not being present with one another, also like expecting sort of like the lack of patience that people have now because everything has to be, look, now it's reels, it used to be videos, because people don't have the attention span. And so I think that what I'm concerned about the younger generations is them not taking enough time to really get to know someone,

• 1:27:49Jillian Turecki?

  to also having realistic, you should have high standards, but your expectations should also be realistic. You know, everyone is flawed. Everyone comes with stuff. So you can have a really high standard, I certainly do, you certainly do, but you can't expect perfection because then you're not giving yourself any grace because then you have to be perfect.

• 1:28:11Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:28:12Jillian Turecki?

  And that really stresses me out personally.

• 1:28:14Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 1:28:15Jillian Turecki?

  I don't want to have to do that. So I am concerned. I'm concerned of them just being constantly on their phones with each other. I'm concerned with just needing, like you said, the instant gratification, the dopamine rush, like, is this not right? Like, all of that creates, we're all walking around like, hi. You know, it's like, this is like, why do people do drugs? Because of dopamine. It's like, we're all like stoned and high on something. So it's, I'm concerned about the realness.

• 1:28:43Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:28:45Jillian Turecki?

  But some, that's the younger generation, some millennials have been like some of the most like realest people I've met. Really, really my, more than my generation, so you know.

• 1:28:56Lewis Howes?

  What's your generation?

• 1:28:57Jillian Turecki?

  I don't know, what am I if I'm in my forties?

• 1:29:00Lewis Howes?

  I'm like, I'm a millennial.

• 1:29:02Jillian Turecki?

  Am I Gen Y?

• 1:29:03Lewis Howes?

  I'm thirty nine, so I'm a millennial.

• 1:29:04Jillian Turecki?

  So are you, you're like, you're a millennial. Yeah, so I guess, am I Gen Y? Am I Gen Z? I don't know, I should know this.

• 1:29:10Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:29:12Lewis Howes?

  That's interesting, so, I mean, cause I grew up without social media. But then, and you as well, but then, but then I got it in college. Like Facebook was not open to the public still when I was in college, so it was just for college students.

• 1:29:26Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:26Lewis Howes?

  And they were opening it to different, so I remember it's like, oh, it's coming to our school like next week. And so it was like, when I was a junior, I think, or senior or something. So it was towards the end of my college experience where I was into sports all day in high school and college and like interacting with people.

• 1:29:43Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:43Lewis Howes?

  Outside and playing frisbee and like whatever. As opposed to on my phone since I was twelve.

• 1:29:49Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:50Lewis Howes?

  Just scrolling all day.

• 1:29:51Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:52Lewis Howes?

  So I feel like I got, you know, blessed to have had that experience.

• 1:29:55Jillian Turecki?

  Absolutely.

• 1:29:56Lewis Howes?

  Cause even then, having the phone now is, you gotta remind yourself to like put it away. But if I was raised at twelve with an iPhone, I'd be on it all day probably.

• 1:30:04Jillian Turecki?

  I know, and it's, it's a double edged sword because my best friend, she has a thirteen year old son, so it's like if something is technology wrong, she's like, oh, I can just ask Cash, I just actually, like, he knows everything. But yeah, you have to, I think parents, it would behoove parents greatly to have some serious boundaries around that. Children need to write, they need to read, they need to write with a pen, they need to go out and play. If you're always on the screen, I'm concerned about depression. Going on, going on the rise, pretty disproportionately.

• 1:30:44Lewis Howes?

  I think it's also learning the skills of communicating face to face with people and navigating feelings and emotions in front of someone, not behind the screen by texting or just feeling it isolated to a screen, it's.

• 1:30:58Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it's really learning how to connect human to human.

• 1:31:01Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 1:31:02Lewis Howes?

  And manage your emotions and stress and feelings and discomfort in front of someone.

• 1:31:07Jillian Turecki?

  Yes, so maybe the younger generations, there's gonna be a lot of difficulty with in terms of that.

• 1:31:12Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:31:13Jillian Turecki?

  Not really intimacy, exactly, not really being able to connect or not under or not like not being so adept at reading body language. Cause that's a big part, there's lots of different ways to communicate that has nothing to do with the verbal. We're communicating all the time with our body language, we're doing it right now. And so if you miss that, you're missing a key component of human behavior and communication.

• 1:31:39Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, well, I'm grateful you got an amazing podcast called Gillian on Love with Q Code. And where you're teaching about relationships, you're doing a lot of solo content where you're teaching lessons and wisdom and and skills and how to be better in relationships with yourself and with others.

• 1:31:57Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 1:31:57Lewis Howes?

  Uh, so I want people to check out your podcast. Uh, you also got an amazing Instagram account with a great content. Uh, is that the main place that you spend time on social media?

• 1:32:07Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, I have, I mean, I have a TikTok account where I have some more videos, but mostly it's Instagram, Jillian Turecki and and then now the Gillian on Love Instagram.

• 1:32:17Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, Jillian Turecki and Gillian on Love is the podcast Instagram, okay? And then GillianTurecki.com is the site where what can we get when we're there, what's available?

• 1:32:28Jillian Turecki?

  So I created something a few years ago called The Conscious Woman and it's a membership for women.

• 1:32:33Lewis Howes?

  That's great.

• 1:32:35Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, I really wanted to do, even though I, it's funny, I I do work with a lot of millennial men actually, but most of the people I work with are women and I in my own journey of becoming more conscious and learning the lessons that I learned, I really wanted to help women feel more empowered in their relationships and take more responsibility. And so I created, you know, when I, a few years back, when I started this journey of really full-time becoming a coach, I spent like two years creating so much content. I was like insane, I mean, I even think I like did one of your things, I mean, I was like, yeah, I was like, seriously, I was a content machine. And then I was like, what am I gonna do with all this? I'm like, I'm gonna put this into a membership. And I'm gonna call it The Conscious Woman.

• 1:33:20Jillian Turecki?

  And then there's monthly um Q and A's and workshops that I do with everyone. And that's been, it's a really large community that's been building for a while. And then people can just purchase workshops. I have a, going through my divorce and then the death of my mom. I, I, I am no stranger to grief and heartbreak, so. I wanted to put in writing and outline all the steps that I took. To not just get over that heartbreak, but to really thrive. And so I created a workbook, super inexpensive.

• 1:33:55Jillian Turecki?

  And I started selling that about a year and a half ago, and I just call it The Heartbreak Workbook and. I, I mean, I just literally, it's digital, I sell it through social media. I've sold close to twenty thousand copies.

• 1:34:07Lewis Howes?

  That's amazing.

• 1:34:08Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, and it's just, uh, it's, so that's what you're gonna find on my site.

• 1:34:13Lewis Howes?

  Very cool.

• 1:34:13Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 1:34:13Lewis Howes?

  Very cool. How else can we serve you today?

• 1:34:17Jillian Turecki?

  Oh, man, I mean, how can you serve me? I mean, honestly, like.

• 1:34:25Jillian Turecki?

  Just knowing that I have people who wanna hear what I have to say. And that um, who support me, that's, that's enough. Yeah, that's really enough. Like, the fact that like, I have this podcast and people wanna listen to it. That feels like that there is such a beautiful symbiosis happening between me giving and then receiving and giving back. So it's all very rewarding.

• 1:34:50Lewis Howes?

  I love it. Well, I wanna acknowledge you, Gillian, for how you've thrived after a lot of pain, you know? I think I've experienced my own type of pain, but going through divorce and experiencing whatever emotions come up from divorce.

• 1:35:05Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 1:35:06Lewis Howes?

  Whether it be shame or guilt or beating yourself up, whatever you faced. And then your, your mother passing and just facing life after that. And trusting again and opening your heart again and, and using that experience.

• 1:35:21Lewis Howes?

  With wisdom to serve and finding a meaning behind it in a beautiful way is really inspiring. So I acknowledge you for your transformation and your growth and how you've channeled that into service, into helping others who are experiencing pain or challenge in a relationship to supporting them to create more peace. So I think that's what it's all about. We all want to have peaceful relationships. We want to feel loved. We want to be in a loving environment. And you know, I'm grateful for your lessons and wisdom and being able to give that to more people.

• 1:35:54Jillian Turecki?

  Thank you.

• 1:35:54Lewis Howes?

  Even though it was a painful experience, but a powerful one that you've transformed. So I really acknowledge you for that.

• 1:36:02Lewis Howes?

  This is a question I ask everyone at the end called the three truths. So imagine a hypothetical situation. It's your last day on earth, many years away. You get to live as long as you want and accomplish all your dreams. But for whatever reason, you got to take all of your work with you. So the workbook, this podcast, your podcast, your Instagram content and whatever you create, it goes to the next place after you pass. And all we have to be remembered or reminded of you are three lessons that you can share with the world. Three truths. What would be those three truths for you?

• 1:36:38Jillian Turecki?

  Your relationship with yourself reigns supreme. So, and it's the longest one you will ever have. Don't leave your own side.

• 1:36:48Jillian Turecki?

  Number two, stress is the cause of so much suffering. It causes disease. It causes dysregulation. It causes relationships to, to, to completely destruct. So figure out a way, get whatever help you need to help you face life.

• 1:37:16Jillian Turecki?

  And then number three, it's weird that I use the word privilege. But I'm gonna, but it's the word that came to my mind, so I'll use it. I had the privilege of watching both my stepfather at different times and my mother pass, being there in the room. And I don't know if you've ever seen anyone die, but it changes you, especially if it's, you know, someone that you love.

• 1:37:41Jillian Turecki?

  And in that moment, or in those several hours leading up to the final passing, because you know, people die in different ways, but if you're in a hospice and you're dying of cancer, it's sort of like the dying process is sometimes like a week. And when you're there and you see that and you realize like nothing, all the things that we worry about, they really don't matter. Like, none of it matters. Like, the only thing that matters is cheesy as it sounds, is love. It is the only thing that matters, like connection and love. And people are starved for more connection. People are starved for more realness.

• 1:38:28Jillian Turecki?

  And so

• 1:38:30Jillian Turecki?

  I guess would be just for people to understand that like when you die or you see someone die, you're gonna know the truth of life so hard. And so make it your mission to be aware of that every single day, because I went through that and I still will, I get caught up in the little things all the time. I sometimes have to meditate on that moment just to like bring me back to reality. And so, yeah, life is fleeting. Tell the people you love that you love them.

• 1:39:09Lewis Howes?

  That's beautiful.

• 1:39:12Lewis Howes?

  Final question, what's your definition of greatness?

• 1:39:16Jillian Turecki?

  Definition of greatness?

• 1:39:20Jillian Turecki?

  Courage.

• 1:39:23Jillian Turecki?

  Courage. Life is hard. Fear is very real. It consumes every single person.

• 1:39:32Jillian Turecki?

  On some level, maybe in certain cultures, not so much, but in this culture, everyone is walking around with way too much fear. And so I think that greatness are like those moments where you just feel courageous. And you have the fear and you do it anyway.

• 1:39:48Lewis Howes?

  There you go, Julian. Thanks so much. Appreciate it.

• 1:39:51Jillian Turecki?

  Thank you.

• 1:39:52Lewis Howes?

  Thank you. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you, if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.

• 1:40:34Lewis Howes?

  And now it's time to go out there and do something great.