The Framework To Completely Heal Past Trauma w/Gabby Bernstein EP 1235

Today’s guest is Gabby Bernstein. Gabby is an international speaker, podcast host, and of course, a bestselling author who just wrote her new book titled.. Happy Days: The Guided Path from Trauma to Profound Freedom and Inner Peace. We’ve had Gabby on a few times in the past and I’m always left feeling inspired. Make sure to check those out in the show notes after this episode. In this episode we discuss:The difference between big and little traumas. A framework to begin healing trauma. How to handle your response to being triggered. How to know if your coping mechanisms are truly helping or hurting you. And so much more! For more go to: www.lewishowes.com/1235Get Gabby's book: Happy Days: The Guided Path from Trauma to Profound Freedom and Inner PeaceThe Wim Hof Experience: Mindset Training, Power Breathing, and Brotherhood: https://link.chtbl.com/910-podA Scientific Guide to Living Longer, Feeling Happier & Eating Healthier with Dr. Rhonda Patrick: https://link.chtbl.com/967-podThe Science of Sleep for Ultimate Success with Shawn Stevenson: https://link.chtbl.com/896-pod Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  This is episode number 1,235 with number one New York Times bestselling author Gabby Bernstein.

• 0:09Lewis Howes?

  Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 0:33Lewis Howes?

  Welcome back, my friend. Today's guest is a dear friend Gabby Bernstein, and Gabby is an international speaker, podcast host, and of course, New York Times bestselling author, who just wrote a new book titled Happy Days, The Guided Path From Trauma to Profound Freedom and Inner Peace. And we've had Gabby on a few times in the past, and I've always left feeling inspired, motivated, and with more tools and resources to improve my life. So make sure you check out those other episodes. We'll link to those in the show notes at the end of this episode. And just a heads up as a trigger warning, Gabby and I open up and are pretty vulnerable about the different heavy experiences we've both had to heal and face in our lives.

• 1:17Lewis Howes?

  We dive into it pretty quickly right at the beginning of this episode. So just be aware that this is about looking at things that are challenging for people, looking at things that are hard, looking at things that maybe have hurt you in the past, and giving you tools on how to really identify them, be aware of them, and then break through them, how to process and integrate the healing journey that we all get to go on. So in this episode, we discuss the difference between big and little traumas, a framework to begin healing trauma in your own life, even if you don't think you have any, how to handle your response to being triggered in life, how to know if your coping mechanisms are truly helping or hurting you, and so much more. I dive into some personal stuff, Gabby shares as well in a personal way.

• 2:02Lewis Howes?

  So I hope this helps you reflect, and I hope it gives you some tools and inspiration to process whatever it is you might be going through, whether it be In your past or in your present. And if you're inspired, please share this with a friend. You can copy and paste the link lewishouse.com/1235 and that'll send you right to the episode. You can take the link wherever you're listening to this podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcast or anywhere else and just share it over on social media, text some friends and let them know to check it out and make sure to tag me and Gabby Bernstein as well over on your Instagram stories or Twitter or LinkedIn or Facebook when you share it out as well. And I want to give a shout out to the fan of the week. This is from Marwan who said, I find the school of greatness not only

• 2:45Lewis Howes?

  beneficial, but also life changing. I start the episode knowing for sure that I'm going to take something with me or my day is going to be changed. So Marwan, thank you for your review and for being a subscriber. You are the fan of the week. We appreciate it. And if anyone listening wants to be a fan of the week, just go ahead and leave us a review over on Apple Podcast right now. Subscribe to it. Let us know your thoughts. Give us some feedback. We just want to hear from you over there. And me and my team go through these and we choose different people every single week. So a big thank you to Marwan for leaving the review and being the fan of the week. Okay, in just a moment, the one and only Gabby Bernstein.

• 3:27Lewis Howes?

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• 4:08Lewis Howes?

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• 4:49Lewis Howes?

  Welcome back everyone to the School of Greatness. Very excited about my guest and my dear friend Gabby Bernstein in the house. So good to see you. Appreciate you. So grateful we're here together. I feel like a lot of, both you and I have gone through traumatic events recently. Sad events. And I feel like a lot, the world has gone through sadness and trauma.

• 5:11Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 5:12Lewis Howes?

  And we're talking about before the difference between, you know, the little tees and the big tees. The bigger moments that feel like heavy. And also the kind of the daily traumas that we either put on ourselves or our environment kind of creates for us.

• 5:27Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 5:29Lewis Howes?

  And trauma is something that more and more people are talking about because I feel like people don't have the solution on how to heal. As an athlete, when you hurt yourself, you can't keep playing until you heal the bone or you heal something. If you tear a muscle, you can't really keep playing. If you do, you're going to hurt yourself more. But whatever, for whatever reason in our emotional life, when we go through a tear or rip or something broken, we seem to just keep going without healing. If we go through a breakup, we don't really heal. If we go through a business breakdown, we lose our career, we just keep moving without healing. Why is healing so important for everyone at all times to be on that journey? And how do we heal trauma?

• 6:14Lewis Howes?

  You know, when it's invisible.

• 6:16Gabby Bernstein?

  All right, going in with the big stuff. So, and it's all big stuff here.

• 6:21Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 6:21Gabby Bernstein?

  And, and we're ready to go there. You and I have been talking about our own traumatic experiences. And in fact, I want to acknowledge that the first time I really spoke publicly about remembering my own childhood trauma was with you.

• 6:34Lewis Howes?

  Yep.

• 6:34Gabby Bernstein?

  Because you made, made me feel safe enough to do it. I, where do I begin? So, we run from these impermissible feelings from our past. These are emotional disturbances from our childhood, traumatic events, trauma with a big T, trauma with a small t. A big T trauma is being sexually abused as a child, having some kind of violence, living through a catastrophic event, uh, growing up in an alcoholic home. A small T trauma is being bullied.

• 7:08Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 7:08Gabby Bernstein?

  A small T trauma is being told you're stupid by a teacher. Small T trauma could be living and surviving COVID. We've all lived through trauma way before COVID. It's just now more present for us. But the traumatic events from our past are the ones that are so impermissible because inside those experiences, particularly childhood developmental experiences, is the shame, the impermissible rage, the feelings of inadequacy and feelings of being unlovable. And so, we build up all these different protection mechanisms around

• 7:47Gabby Bernstein?

  us to avoid ever having to face those impermissible wounds. And those protections could be achievement. They could be, they could look good on the outside. That's the scary thing, right? So, workaholism can be really praised at times.

• 8:02Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 8:03Gabby Bernstein?

  Those, it can look like alcoholism. It can look like drug addiction. And we just create all these forms of protection around ourselves to never have to go there. But what's happened recently is in COVID and when we've been struck with feelings of not being safe, feelings of being out of control, a lot of our typical coping mechanisms won't work anymore.

• 8:25Lewis Howes?

  What are typical coping mechanisms for most people?

• 8:27Gabby Bernstein?

  Typical coping mechanisms. Heading to the fridge, overeating, overworking, not working, like numbing out, vegging out, the sofa, a coping mechanism. And I refer to coping mechanisms as protector parts. I am now trained in internal family systems therapy. And so in IFS, we talk about these protectors. And what are they protecting us from? Those exiled child parts, those impermissible parts that we don't want to ever touch, don't want to go into.

• 8:57Lewis Howes?

  Protectors are the coping mechanisms.

• 9:00Gabby Bernstein?

  Correct.

• 9:01Lewis Howes?

  The addictive or non-healthy coping mechanisms.

• 9:03Gabby Bernstein?

  Correct.

• 9:03Lewis Howes?

  Let me hear you say.

• 9:04Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 9:04Lewis Howes?

  Those are called protectors.

• 9:05Gabby Bernstein?

  Totally, exactly.

• 9:06Lewis Howes?

  The things that we don't want to go and face, the pain, the shame.

• 9:09Gabby Bernstein?

  And sometimes we don't even know that they're a problem.

• 9:12Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 9:12Gabby Bernstein?

  Like, like a workaholic may not, may not yet know that that's a problem for them. Or codependency, so they're constantly protecting themselves by finding relationship. Or there's, for me, there was the controller. You, you were, you were in studio with the controller many times. And, and you also even went as far as like, almost pick up on that at, at early in our relationship, where you were like, you know, it could be a little easier. You would, you noticed it for me. And there's, there's, and I have one that's called knives out. She's not out anymore, but she, she was like this, like, you know, like, if you [BLEEP] with me, you [BLEEP] with death row, like, I am done.

• 9:52Lewis Howes?

  So were those your two main coping mechanisms, I guess?

• 9:55Gabby Bernstein?

  Well, well, there was my 25-year-old cocaine addict. And then there is the, you know, another interesting protector part is even spirituality at times. Because while it's a beautiful practice to be on a spiritual quest, and it's what I've been writing about for over a decade, we, we can at times use our spiritual practice to get above the pain. And so that.

• 10:20Lewis Howes?

  Give me an example.

• 10:22Gabby Bernstein?

  You're newly sober and you're like, in every meditation class and you're doing, you know, your Kundalini yoga, and you're, you know, you're, you're just, you're getting high on your own supply, right?

• 10:34Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 10:34Gabby Bernstein?

  Which is excellent. It's much better than drinking. And there's, and it's a beautiful pursuit. But it's also another form of protecting what is deeper. And frankly, that spiritual bypassing, as we would call it, is actually a tremendous gift at times because it's too painful to go to those places. So spirituality is what you've got, that's way better than the drugs and the alcohol, right?

• 10:59Lewis Howes?

  But you're still masking.

• 11:00Gabby Bernstein?

  But it's still another way of masking. It's still another way of getting above what is so uncomfortable to face below.

• 11:09Lewis Howes?

  What were the two or three biggest things that you weren't willing to face for so long?

• 11:15Gabby Bernstein?

  So.

• 11:17Lewis Howes?

  For the reasons why you had these.

• 11:20Gabby Bernstein?

  I didn't even know what they were. I got clean and sober at 25 and became extremely fascinated by my spiritual practice and became a spiritual teacher and started writing books on spirituality and personal growth. And then all the while was writing books and on Oprah and, you know, friends with guys like you and, you know, doing like moving my career forward and helping a lot of people and losing it on the inside, just cracking on the inside. By the time I was 36 years old, I was, this is about probably maybe six months before

• 11:58Gabby Bernstein?

  that interview I referenced between you and I, I was just completely overwhelmed with my reality that I had created.

• 12:10Lewis Howes?

  What reality?

• 12:11Gabby Bernstein?

  The extreme control.

• 12:13Lewis Howes?

  Oh, okay.

• 12:14Gabby Bernstein?

  So I had authored maybe six or seven books. I'd had all this busyness happening. And you remember, I had no team. I had like one virtual assistant running this like business that could have had 20 people at the time. And so I just kept just pushing, pushing, pushing and all because I was trying to control. I was trying to stay safe. I was trying to stay safe from feelings that I didn't want to feel, but I didn't know that. So I kept looking back saying, why was I a drug addict? Why am I such a workaholic? Why am I codependent? Why am I, why, why, why, why, why? Until I was 36.

• 12:52Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 12:52Gabby Bernstein?

  And had a dream. And in the dream, I remembered being, I remembered I was an adult addressing that I had been sexually abused as a child.

• 13:06Lewis Howes?

  In the dream?

• 13:07Gabby Bernstein?

  Yes. And I woke up and I was like, no way, never talking about that again. I had a talk that night, I was like, no, down, get down. And a few days later, I was in therapy and my therapist was asking me a few leading questions and one thing that she said in particular just catapulted me into the memory. And not visual or details, but just the acceptance that this indeed did happen to me. And so it turns out that for over 30 years, I dissociated from a childhood memory because it was so extreme. And I ran from it in all the same ways that we run from trauma with the workaholism, the cocaine addiction, the love addiction, all of it.

• 13:52Lewis Howes?

  What's the root of the shame? Or what's the root of hiding or overworking or controlling? Is it shame that I'm not enough or that it's just too hard to face this pain? Or that if people knew this about me, no one would love me? What's the core fear that a lot of us face when that event occurs?

• 14:13Gabby Bernstein?

  So I don't think it's necessarily a logical fear that we have in our conscious awareness. It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a sense. It's a underbelly. And the more personal growth work we do, we can see, oh, okay, you know, I worked so hard to be seen or, you know, you can start to see the map. But when we're in it, it's really hard to recognize. So much so that in the book I write about, I wrote, I write this chapter about shame. And I tell this whole story about how I'm in this training where I'm teaching, but I'm also with two other teachers. So when the other teachers were leading the workshop, I was in the audience, just like, oh, let me hook up my friends. They'll sit and listen. Yeah, check it out. Like, the whole workshop is on shame.

• 14:58Gabby Bernstein?

  And I'm thinking, I don't have any shame. Thirty-six years old, you know?

• 15:01Lewis Howes?

  I'm succeeding, I'm driven, I'm this.

• 15:03Gabby Bernstein?

  I just, I, it's such a, it's, it's, it's the most difficult emotion to face. And being in that room, that one exercise, I was like, oh my God, this is what I've been running from. This is what I've been hiding from. This is, you know, decade into my sobriety and I'm just touching into this now.

• 15:29Lewis Howes?

  What was the exercise?

• 15:31Gabby Bernstein?

  It was, I think it was about like witnessing how you respond to things and

• 15:35Lewis Howes?

  Being aware of like how you react.

• 15:37Gabby Bernstein?

  Becoming conscious of what it feels like.

• 15:38Lewis Howes?

  If someone is a triggered human being in life, maybe not every day, but something happens and it triggers them. What is that saying about the person? That they haven't healed something that's allowing the trigger, that those events have power over them? That they're, you know, they have negative coping mechanisms? What is that reactiveness? Or shut down-ness and not standing up for yourself? Or whatever it is that people do, an unhealthy reaction, let's say.

• 16:05Gabby Bernstein?

  So the trigger, I'm going to speak to this in IFS language. So Internal Family Systems was founded by my, my, my new friend, Dick Schwartz. And it's just the most beautiful therapy.

• 16:14Lewis Howes?

  Internal family?

• 16:15Gabby Bernstein?

  Systems, yeah. And I now did the Level One Training. I'm going to carry on and continue training in this. It's the most incredible practice I've ever used. And I've been in that type of therapy for a decade and then I most recently got, got it under my belt. And so what, what it is, and I could do some with you too, today. What it is, is the premise that we have these exiled child parts that the, the young boy who was sexually abused, the little girl who was sexually abused, or just the kid that was bullied, or the kid. And I don't want to just say just, because people are committing suicide over this, but, or the, you know, being told you're not good enough or whatnot, or just a little bit of neglect, or whatever it is. Those experiences from our childhood just get so pushed away, locked under lock and key,

• 16:59Gabby Bernstein?

  never to be spoken of again. Then the protectors show up and from a very young age. Protectors meaning coping mechanisms. Exactly. And any time, and the protectors actually have two different forms. There's managers, which are just sort of like, you know, workaholic, you know, working. And then there's these firefighter protector parts that are like, F this, cannot go any further. I am going right for the drink or I gotta go right for the fridge or just, just the addiction, the addictive parts, right? So those are all known as protectors. When we get triggered, when there's a moment where that child part gets activated, your, your father just passed. There's probably a lot of triggers that came up around that.

• 17:42Gabby Bernstein?

  Without any deep awareness of our system, our internal system, will get activated, the, the young part might get activated because we feel out of control. We feel unsafe. Something activates that part. When that feeling starts to creep in, the protector comes right in. The protector is like, gonna work, gonna eat, gonna run, gonna run, run, run, run, run. The reaction. The reaction. Yeah. Gonna control, gonna, you know, whatever it might be. Scream. Rage, blame, judge, judge, self-attack, attack others, binge on television. Anything that that part can do to anesthetize the voice of that or the presence, even this tinge of feeling sensation of that exiled child part.

• 18:26Gabby Bernstein?

  And then the beautiful good news is we all have what's known as self. And for years as a spiritual teacher, I would have called this higher self or God or universe. And in this case, I would call it self with a capital S. And self is the compassionate, calm, courageous, curious, creative. Part of who we are that is always, has always been there. It's the truth of who we are. It's the soul of who we are. And it's a non-physical energy that is us. And when we learn to connect to that self-energy and let that self-energy relate to and support the protectors.

• 19:12Gabby Bernstein?

  Then our entire system can relax. So we could demo that today if you want to.

• 19:18Lewis Howes?

  Are you talking about like being able to step outside of the emotional reactive self and saying, okay, kind of let me coach myself.

• 19:25Gabby Bernstein?

  Correct, yes, very much so. Good listening, man. So he's such an active listener. So it's, it's, it's, it's becoming your own internal parent and letting self be the leader of your internal family system.

• 19:37Lewis Howes?

  Your highest version of yourself.

• 19:39Gabby Bernstein?

  Correct, exactly.

• 19:40Lewis Howes?

  Kind, loving, compassionate.

• 19:41Gabby Bernstein?

  The compassionate, courageous, curious part becomes the internal parent to all these other little parts.

• 19:49Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 19:49Gabby Bernstein?

  That's so it's the internal family system.

• 19:54Lewis Howes?

  In yourself internal, not your family system.

• 19:56Gabby Bernstein?

  It has nothing to do with your family.

• 19:57Lewis Howes?

  Yourself.

• 19:58Gabby Bernstein?

  Your own family.

• 19:59Lewis Howes?

  When you were five, when you were 10, when you were 16, and when you were 30.

• 20:02Gabby Bernstein?

  Your protectors, your exiles, all the parts.

• 20:05Lewis Howes?

  All the messiness of your internal family.

• 20:06Gabby Bernstein?

  So you, Lewis, are not just Lewis. You are Lewis the athlete. You're Lewis the, the, the hard worker. You're Lewis the child who was abused. You're Lewis the kid who lost, the guy who lost his dad.

• 20:15Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 20:15Gabby Bernstein?

  But it's not just these characteristics. It's the personality traits, these different personalities of who you are. So who are some of your protectors?

• 20:23Lewis Howes?

  Multiple personalities, right?

• 20:24Gabby Bernstein?

  Tell me, yeah, exactly, multiples.

• 20:25Lewis Howes?

  So who are the protectors?

• 20:27Gabby Bernstein?

  How do you protect yourself when you get triggered? What, what are some of the ways that you sweep in?

• 20:31Lewis Howes?

  I mean, I feel like I've done a, it's funny because I was telling my girlfriend Martha this. When we first started dating, I said, I want to be a hundred percent who I am.

• 20:39Gabby Bernstein?

  Mm hmm.

• 20:40Lewis Howes?

  You know, I'm, I'm not going to change for you or anyone. I'm going to change for me and the ways I want to improve, you know, at the right timings of my life. And I go, there's only one thing, like you can do anything and it will not upset me.

• 20:51Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 20:52Lewis Howes?

  You can talk to 20 hot guys who are shirtless. I could care less.

• 20:56Gabby Bernstein?

  Okay.

• 20:56Lewis Howes?

  You can be, because she's an actress, I'm like, you can make out with a guy on a TV set for film, for, for art. It's not going to affect me. You can, whatever, I could care less.

• 21:08Lewis Howes?

  But I was like, there's one thing that may trigger me, not all the time, but it might trigger me. And are you okay with accepting this about me? It's only happened twice. It actually happened like a few days ago. It's only happened twice in like nine months. But I was like, listen, this is gonna happen potentially.

• 21:24Gabby Bernstein?

  What is it?

• 21:25Lewis Howes?

  It's not even that big. It's not like I'm super reactive or something, but sometimes I can, I, I would say I've improved a lot on this, but in the past, I felt like my word, when I would say something, certain people in the past in intimate relationships would not take my word when I just say, here's the truth.

• 21:44Gabby Bernstein?

  Oh, so trusting you.

• 21:45Lewis Howes?

  They were just, they wouldn't listen to me or trust me. And then when they would keep reacting to something that was made up or imagination, that wasn't happening in an event or experience. And I was like, no, this is what happened. No, this is what happened. No. So I'd have to repeat myself over and over again to make sure that someone was listening or someone was hearing because it wasn't.

• 22:04Gabby Bernstein?

  So when that happened, when you didn't feel.

• 22:07Lewis Howes?

  Someone created a false story about something happening.

• 22:09Gabby Bernstein?

  Okay.

• 22:09Lewis Howes?

  And they were believing so firmly that that was the truth. And I was like, that's not the truth. Don't attack me.

• 22:15Gabby Bernstein?

  What's your response in those moments?

• 22:17Lewis Howes?

  My response is originally, you know, like, no, this is the truth. But then if it is not believed, then I kind of go in a loop of like saying it over and over again.

• 22:28Gabby Bernstein?

  Okay.

• 22:28Lewis Howes?

  Even if someone then, like Martha is now like, okay, I believe you. But then I'll like keep repeating.

• 22:32Gabby Bernstein?

  So proving yourself or?

• 22:34Lewis Howes?

  It's just like, if someone doesn't feel like, I mean, it's, I don't know if it's proven myself, it's just feeling respected for my word. Like this is the truth. This is how I'm feeling.

• 22:46Gabby Bernstein?

  Hmm.

• 22:48Lewis Howes?

  And making sure that, you know, it's respected and honored is really what it is.

• 22:54Gabby Bernstein?

  Okay.

• 22:54Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 22:55Gabby Bernstein?

  So do I have some buy-in to check in with that part of you?

• 22:58Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 22:59Gabby Bernstein?

  Okay. So when that happens and gets activated, what are you feeling in your system?

• 23:06Gabby Bernstein?

  Or what do you notice?

• 23:06Lewis Howes?

  It doesn't happen right away. It's more like if I feel like after like, I don't know, 10, 20, 30 minutes, like it's not landing with the person.

• 23:13Gabby Bernstein?

  Mm hmm.

• 23:13Lewis Howes?

  Then I feel like, oh, I'm on, I need to protect myself.

• 23:18Gabby Bernstein?

  Okay.

• 23:18Lewis Howes?

  You know what I mean? So I, I kind of loop sometimes. It's only happened twice in the last like year, but I'm just.

• 23:23Gabby Bernstein?

  What's the loop? What, how would you define the loop?

• 23:28Lewis Howes?

  Hmm. It's to protect myself from someone not believing me.

• 23:32Gabby Bernstein?

  Okay.

• 23:33Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 23:33Gabby Bernstein?

  So.

• 23:33Lewis Howes?

  Or my, that's my perception. They might already believe me.

• 23:36Gabby Bernstein?

  If you had to define how you like, like, is it, are you trying to prove yourself? Are you trying to like, is there a specific name of this reaction?

• 23:45Lewis Howes?

  I'm not sure in this moment what that would be, but it's, it's a, I guess, proving myself. I don't know if it's proving myself. It's more like, I just don't feel like, yeah, my word is honored or something.

• 23:59Gabby Bernstein?

  Okay.

• 24:00Lewis Howes?

  I guess, yeah. So I don't want someone to think I'm out of integrity.

• 24:02Gabby Bernstein?

  Okay, okay, okay, okay.

• 24:04Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 24:05Gabby Bernstein?

  And so what do you notice about that part in your body, in your mind? Is there an image? You can even close your eyes if you want to, but just is there imagery or a sensation physically in your body?

• 24:18Lewis Howes?

  It doesn't, if I think about it from the past, because I don't feel like I'm much of a physical reaction now. But in the past, I think I did where it felt like tension in the heart and like closed throat.

• 24:29Gabby Bernstein?

  Okay.

• 24:30Lewis Howes?

  That's what it felt like.

• 24:30Gabby Bernstein?

  Okay.

• 24:31Lewis Howes?

  But I feel like I've done a lot of the integrating healing work where I don't feel that. It's more just kind of like a habit still.

• 24:36Gabby Bernstein?

  Okay, cool. Okay. So it's just still coming up?

• 24:38Lewis Howes?

  It's less physical and like stressful. It's more like a mental now.

• 24:43Gabby Bernstein?

  Mm hmm, mm hmm.

• 24:44Lewis Howes?

  So it's just being aware of it. And I'm even like, I was even telling you the other night, I was like, I'm aware I'm doing this now. But it doesn't mean I'm gonna stop doing it. Like, I'm aware in this moment that I'm in a loop in this moment.

• 24:55Gabby Bernstein?

  Well, let's help that part. Let's help that part. Okay. So, so anything else that the part wants to reveal about, is it, does it have a gender?

• 25:03Lewis Howes?

  I'm not sure if it does or not, but it's probably just like a, it's probably just a scared little boy, you know?

• 25:09Gabby Bernstein?

  Okay.

• 25:09Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 25:10Gabby Bernstein?

  Okay. So scared little boy.

• 25:12Lewis Howes?

  Probably, yeah.

• 25:12Gabby Bernstein?

  Beautiful. And is there anything that he wants us to know before we keep going? Is there anything that he wants to say out loud?

• 25:21Lewis Howes?

  Hmm. He just wants to feel loved and safe and protected and.

• 25:26Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 25:27Lewis Howes?

  Trusted.

• 25:28Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 25:29Lewis Howes?

  You know, I never felt like I was. People believed me when I was a kid.

• 25:33Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 25:34Lewis Howes?

  So it's kind of like, well, why tell the truth if no one's gonna believe me? You know? So I might as well just do whatever I want.

• 25:39Gabby Bernstein?

  Right.

• 25:39Lewis Howes?

  Type of thing.

• 25:40Gabby Bernstein?

  Right.

• 25:40Lewis Howes?

  I broke that pattern eventually. I think I got, you know.

• 25:44Gabby Bernstein?

  How do you feel towards him?

• 25:47Lewis Howes?

  I feel very loving and compassionate towards him.

• 25:49Gabby Bernstein?

  Beautiful.

• 25:50Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 25:51Gabby Bernstein?

  Does he know that you are here, that you're adult resourced, undamaged stuff? He knows you're here? Yeah, okay.

• 25:58Lewis Howes?

  Cause I practice it like daily, you know, the integration of it, yeah.

• 26:00Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah, yeah. What might he need from you in those moments when the loop is up for him?

• 26:06Lewis Howes?

  Just a pause, like a break.

• 26:07Gabby Bernstein?

  Okay.

• 26:08Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, that's why I told Martha, I was like, when this happens, if you feel like I'm doing this, just tell me, hey, I'm gonna take a pause and that's what I need, you know?

• 26:16Gabby Bernstein?

  Right. What does he need?

• 26:19Lewis Howes?

  I think he needs a pause, he needs to breathe, he needs, you know, just to walk and clear his, clear his mind and feel safe, feel like I've got him, you know?

• 26:28Gabby Bernstein?

  Mm hmm.

• 26:28Lewis Howes?

  Like I'm protecting him, I've got him, you know, we're in this together, that he doesn't have to worry.

• 26:34Gabby Bernstein?

  How does he feel towards you?

• 26:36Lewis Howes?

  I mean, he feels pretty safe.

• 26:37Gabby Bernstein?

  He does feel safe with you?

• 26:38Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, of course.

• 26:39Gabby Bernstein?

  He loves you.

• 26:39Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 26:40Gabby Bernstein?

  Oh, that's so nice.

• 26:41Lewis Howes?

  I think he's like, wow, you're doing all the emotional work that I wish I could have had the skills or the tools, the ability from a, you know, childhood brain development stage, that I can have those skills. It's like, okay, you're doing the work for me, so I trust you're, we're gonna be okay.

• 26:56Gabby Bernstein?

  Hmm. Now, if you could, so he wants to go for a walk when he's activated, right?

• 27:01Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 27:02Gabby Bernstein?

  Where would you guys walk?

• 27:04Lewis Howes?

  Just around the block, it's fine.

• 27:05Gabby Bernstein?

  Around the block, okay.

• 27:06Lewis Howes?

  Just the one time around the block or just sit in some grass and just breathe and look out at a tree.

• 27:11Gabby Bernstein?

  Can you just take a moment to talk a little bit more about what, where you might wanna take him? Like a safe place that he could go with you?

• 27:17Lewis Howes?

  Well, we just moved into a new place, so I don't know the surroundings.

• 27:20Gabby Bernstein?

  Okay.

• 27:21Lewis Howes?

  The parks, but I would just go around the block in a quiet, in a quiet neighborhood.

• 27:24Gabby Bernstein?

  Mm hmm.

• 27:25Lewis Howes?

  And just, you know, see the dogs walking by with their owners and, you know, just, it's peaceful.

• 27:31Gabby Bernstein?

  How close is T to you when you're walking?

• 27:35Lewis Howes?

  He's inside of me. He's connected.

• 27:37Gabby Bernstein?

  He's in you. Okay, he's walking with you.

• 27:39Lewis Howes?

  It's not like next, I'm not like holding his hand. He's like within me.

• 27:41Gabby Bernstein?

  Oh, beautiful. And is there anything that you want to say to him if you just sort of visualize it in that walk?

• 27:49Lewis Howes?

  Uh, I would just say you're safe, you're loved, you have nothing to worry about. You know, even if someone, even if you feel like someone isn't trusting you or isn't believing you in this moment, I believe in you.

• 28:07Gabby Bernstein?

  Hmm. So good. Now, just, just one last.

• 28:13Lewis Howes?

  It's all, you know, it's not a, and maybe, you know, I'm using the example of my girlfriend. It's not that she didn't believe in me or not, but it's like a.

• 28:21Gabby Bernstein?

  It just triggered it.

• 28:22Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it's just like a, and maybe she did believe in me, but I just felt like she's not going to if I don't do this or something.

• 28:29Gabby Bernstein?

  A hundred percent.

• 28:30Lewis Howes?

  Perceived feeling than a, than a actual truth. Maybe sometimes or not, yeah.

• 28:36Gabby Bernstein?

  So now we have this process of retrieval where when you notice that he's there, instead of getting in the loop, as you referred to, which it literally is a neural loop.

• 28:49Gabby Bernstein?

  What if you could take him for a walk?

• 28:54Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, that's literally, I thought at last I was like, I'm just, I might just need a pause, you know, we just go take a pause.

• 28:59Gabby Bernstein?

  That's right.

• 29:00Lewis Howes?

  Take a walk. Nothing against this conversation.

• 29:02Gabby Bernstein?

  You could, you could literally take him for a walk. You could visualize taking him for a walk.

• 29:06Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. And I do that with, I do other exercises with the little Lewis inside of me. You know, I showed you on my phone. I still have a photo of my five or six year old self. And so I do practices on a daily basis where I'm just like, I got you.

• 29:19Gabby Bernstein?

  You clearly do.

• 29:20Lewis Howes?

  I do it all the time.

• 29:20Gabby Bernstein?

  Cause you, what you have, okay, so let me tell you what you've got going on, man. You are, you're, you've, you're such a testament to your listeners and viewers of someone who has done such deep transformational work. It's so profound. It almost made me cry.

• 29:34Lewis Howes?

  Thanks.

• 29:36Gabby Bernstein?

  You have a direct line of access from self-energy, the compassion, courageous, caring, undamaged adult part of you.

• 29:45Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 29:46Gabby Bernstein?

  Has a direct line of access to him, to the little boy. Now, listen, not everybody can even go to the little boy, because little boy was an exile part.

• 29:54Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 29:54Gabby Bernstein?

  Okay?

• 29:55Lewis Howes?

  For a long time.

• 29:55Gabby Bernstein?

  And I was just trying to talk. Remember, I kept trying to be like, well, is it protection? And it's like, no, you went right to him.

• 30:01Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 30:01Gabby Bernstein?

  Okay? And so you've already done so much work in your therapy of retrieving him, bringing him into your workouts, bringing him into your phone, all these things. And so he's, he's very intertwined and he's very, he's very much so, has direct access to you and to self, and self has direct access to him.

• 30:19Lewis Howes?

  Capital self.

• 30:20Gabby Bernstein?

  That's right. And that's why we're so easy to get there. But there are, there's still more work to do. The child, the triggers are gonna be, so there's still a trigger that you even, we're so aware of that you brought it to her from the get-go. And that trigger, when it gets activated, gets into a protector part, which is, you know.

• 30:39Lewis Howes?

  Defending myself.

• 30:40Gabby Bernstein?

  Defensive. That was, I didn't want to say it for you, but that's the word. So defensive. And that makes a lot of sense, because it's likely you were not believed as a child.

• 30:49Lewis Howes?

  Right, yeah.

• 30:49Gabby Bernstein?

  And that is a horrific, horrific thing.

• 30:53Lewis Howes?

  Which, I mean, there's so much emotions around it, because it's like, you know, a lot of it's, it's all parental stuff, right? Parents and then siblings and then peers, you know, kids and all that stuff. And it's like, I was able to process a lot of this healing work in the last two weeks when my father died as well, to kind of go back and have conversations with my father.

• 31:14Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 31:14Lewis Howes?

  You know, it's like, and witness, you know, and also be grateful for the transformation. It was kind of when I was 13, he started to transform emotionally, to where we had a different relationship. Before then, I didn't feel like I was believed by either him or my parent, you know, either my parents.

• 31:29Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 31:29Lewis Howes?

  Whether it was true or not, that was my perception.

• 31:32Gabby Bernstein?

  Totally, yeah.

• 31:33Lewis Howes?

  They may have, but I didn't feel it, right?

• 31:35Gabby Bernstein?

  So that little boy, while he's had so much work.

• 31:39Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 31:39Gabby Bernstein?

  And so much love and so much care and therapy and so much care from Martha and so much care from adult resource Louis. Is still has still got some, you know, some unresolved suffering and it may go even deeper. And so for now, just you, the next step would just be focus on giving him direct access to self.

• 32:01Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 32:01Gabby Bernstein?

  Whenever you notice him, get curious.

• 32:05Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 32:06Gabby Bernstein?

  Oh, little Louis, what do you need right now, man? How are you doing? Like, what, notice what you notice about him and the physical sensations.

• 32:15Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 32:16Gabby Bernstein?

  No, you know, ask him if he's aware of your presence.

• 32:20Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm, that's good.

• 32:21Gabby Bernstein?

  And then whenever possible, you can remove him from the situation, take him for a walk. You know, when a child is having a moment or a tantrum or feeling really out of control, what we do as conscious parents is we connect and then redirect, as Dan Siegel says, so.

• 32:38Lewis Howes?

  Connect.

• 32:39Gabby Bernstein?

  And then redirect.

• 32:40Lewis Howes?

  And then redirect.

• 32:41Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 32:41Lewis Howes?

  Not to say, go to your room or something or.

• 32:43Gabby Bernstein?

  Or just be like, I'm going to deal with this and just make Marta, believe me, it's actually, hold on, Marta, I'm going to take little Louis for a walk. And so it's actually unbelievable. She's sitting in the room, everybody. But it is truly amazing. I mean, this is like so life changing for this, for this marriage.

• 33:03Gabby Bernstein?

  For this relationship.

• 33:04Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 33:04Gabby Bernstein?

  And which, you know, I officiate weddings. Okay, so, um, I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding, no pressure, people. But, but, but really, it's, it's transformational work. This is the work that my husband and I do and it, it's life changing. When you can start to see each other as your child parts or in a protector part, then her self compassion, her capital S compassion can be a direct access for you.

• 33:29Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely. And that's why I told her early on, I go, if you, she's incredible because she just kind of allows me to, she's very peaceful and calm in those moments. She's like extremely spiritually advanced. And so she's able to just like, kind of listen and not like make me wrong or judge me. And kind of say, I hear you, I'm here for you, I got you.

• 33:49Gabby Bernstein?

  She has a lot of self energy.

• 33:51Lewis Howes?

  Calms it down. Even if I might go for a few more minutes, she's like, I hear you, I don't know what to say, I hear you, I've got you know. Then I kind of like, okay, I just need to take a break and then I can come talk to you again.

• 34:00Gabby Bernstein?

  That honestly is the most beautiful gift.

• 34:02Lewis Howes?

  And like saying, you are bad, you know, so it's incredible.

• 34:05Gabby Bernstein?

  She's in her self, she's sitting in the seat of self when you're activated.

• 34:10Lewis Howes?

  She doesn't get triggered.

• 34:11Gabby Bernstein?

  And it's not always going to be like that. So the most important thing is, and not everybody's going to be a Marta in your life, you know? Luckily, the, one of the most intimate relationships is her, but there's going to be people at work that may not, you know, or situations where you get, you know, called out online or whatever happens and you're going to be like, they don't believe me. And, and that's when you, we want to go right into direct access from self with a capital S, right to little Louis and take them for a walk.

• 34:39Lewis Howes?

  Now, here's the thing, you know, I started a healing journey at thirty, not eight and a half, nine years ago, of talking about the biggest shame that I faced, which was the sexual abuse when I was a kid. And that started unlocking a healing journey. As my therapist says, healing is not an event, it's a journey. Doesn't just like, oh, I have this awareness, I feel good now that I released it. It's like a constant integration of exercises and practices.

• 35:05Gabby Bernstein?

  My journey is right here.

• 35:06Lewis Howes?

  Exactly. And so I, I thought I would, I was a lot better. I mean, I thought like, okay, I've figured this out. Cause after like two years of talking about the abuse with, you know, friends, family, therapists, and then opening up publicly, not that I see, I don't suggest people do it publicly about their shame, but I felt like it was a responsibility for where I was at. I felt like, okay, I can talk about this and it doesn't trigger me, right? But I still haven't healed things from intimate relationships.

• 35:35Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 35:35Lewis Howes?

  And so the last year was really doing therapy every week.

• 35:38Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 35:39Lewis Howes?

  Integrating the lessons, the healing that I was feeling, the tightness in my chest, my throat from intimacy.

• 35:46Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 35:47Lewis Howes?

  And reconnecting with the little child in that part of my life.

• 35:50Gabby Bernstein?

  A hundred percent.

• 35:50Lewis Howes?

  Not just sexual abuse, but now we'll talk about relationships.

• 35:53Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 35:53Lewis Howes?

  Parent stuff, everything else. And I feel like, um, there's obviously going to be more, you know, that I'm uncovering, you know, every few years probably.

• 36:01Gabby Bernstein?

  Right.

• 36:03Lewis Howes?

  Most people, number one, that I've interacted with, don't, aren't even aware of their traumas.

• 36:08Gabby Bernstein?

  That's correct.

• 36:09Lewis Howes?

  Right? So they're not even aware of that they have a broken bone in their body.

• 36:13Gabby Bernstein?

  They've been running with a broken leg for decades.

• 36:16Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. And they're not even aware.

• 36:18Gabby Bernstein?

  Right.

• 36:18Lewis Howes?

  They're just taking the medicine, or they're masking it, or they have a cast on, or whatever it is.

• 36:25Lewis Howes?

  And so I'm constantly doing the practice to be like, what else do I need to be aware of? What else do I need to be aware of? And then I'm holding myself accountable with therapy, or friends, or, you know, partners, or things like that, to be like, okay, where are my triggers? How can I keep growing? And then I'm trying to integrate the lessons I learn into a daily practice to, to heal and hopefully not have any triggers at all. Is the goal is to be triggerless, or reactionless.

• 36:50Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 36:51Lewis Howes?

  And be more, more responsive, you know, responding. For those that aren't aware of their emotional traumas, and also those who don't have tools in a healthy way to, to navigate those, what would be the process, would you say, let's say, give it a framework?

• 37:07Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 37:07Lewis Howes?

  For healing trauma, is it like a, if you could simplify, not that you can simplify, but if it's like, there's four steps to healing trauma, three steps. One, be aware. Two, like, because it's really hard to do it on your own.

• 37:18Gabby Bernstein?

  So I'm going to read you the chapter titles.

• 37:20Lewis Howes?

  Cool.

• 37:20Gabby Bernstein?

  Okay. Because this is the journey.

• 37:23Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 37:25Gabby Bernstein?

  It's my, this is, this is my journey from recovering from trauma.

• 37:31Gabby Bernstein?

  In that process, I share many, many methods and tools that one can use immediately.

• 37:37Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 37:37Gabby Bernstein?

  And also introduce the therapeutic practices that changed and saved my life.

• 37:42Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 37:43Gabby Bernstein?

  And in introducing those practices, I actually give ways that you can do them in real time.

• 37:48Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 37:48Gabby Bernstein?

  So that you can say, oh, this was really soothing for me, or- I just listened to Gabby do some IFS with Louis. I want to look further into IFS. But the journey looks to me like this, and then I think we all have our own individual journeys. But my hope in this book and the intention here is to help the reader, one, know that they're not alone, and two, know that there is a guided path from trauma to profound freedom and inner peace. There's no way I would put my face on that cover if I couldn't stand behind that.

• 38:17Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 38:17Gabby Bernstein?

  Okay, so here we go. So the first chapter one is become willing to be, willing to become free. Willing to become free means you can't even open this book if you don't have a desire.

• 38:29Lewis Howes?

  To want to be free.

• 38:30Gabby Bernstein?

  To want to be free, to look more closely, to, to even just have a mustard seed of hope that there could be a better way.

• 38:39Lewis Howes?

  How does someone start the willingness process?

• 38:42Gabby Bernstein?

  Well, if they're still listening, they're willing.

• 38:45Lewis Howes?

  Okay, good. If you have a curiosity, you're willing.

• 38:47Gabby Bernstein?

  If you're here, you're willing. And even if you tuned into this episode, you're willing. Because I'm sure there'll be trauma somewhere in the title, or you know, or whatever you decide. But it'll be something that's going to be an acknowledgement, yeah, there's something in that for me. Many, many, many more people are willing these days than ever before. I think that, that if I'd written this book five years ago, I'd have a half the audience that I have now.

• 39:09Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 39:09Gabby Bernstein?

  I mean that. Okay, for this specific content. Chapter two is become brave enough to wonder. So in my case, I literally didn't remember and had to be brave enough to wonder what was there. And, and in, in other people's cases, they just have to maybe wonder, not that they don't necessarily remember what happened to them, but to wonder what could be behind these triggers? What could be some feelings behind these triggers? What could be? I did a podcast with somebody the other day and she was like, I have, she's like, my co-host has so much trauma and she's so open about it. And she's like, I have no trauma. Within five minutes, we were like, the neglectful father and the this and the, you know, like, it was just like instant. And everybody's got it. Everybody's got it.

• 39:53Gabby Bernstein?

  So you just have to become brave enough to wonder. And.

• 39:56Lewis Howes?

  It might be a little t, but it becomes big T over time.

• 39:59Gabby Bernstein?

  Well, it was interesting. She's like, I guess I just have little t, little t. And then she started to describe her story and we were both like, that's big T trauma. So, um, chapter three is why we run. So what is it? What is the reason that we're running? Why are we running? And recognizing, okay, we have this trigger, we have a feeling behind it, we have a reaction to it. And then what could it be?

• 40:22Lewis Howes?

  Is it just so, it's so painful for us to face it? That's why we run most of the time?

• 40:26Gabby Bernstein?

  That's right.

• 40:26Lewis Howes?

  It's just so hard for us to what mentally, emotionally?

• 40:30Gabby Bernstein?

  Well, underneath all of the unresolved traumas, big T, small t, from our past is the belief system that we are unlovable and inadequate. How, and we did not, you said beautifully that now little Louis has big Louis helping him process this stuff that he wished he'd had when he was little. But when we're young, we don't, and if we don't have a caretaker or a primary caretaker that has a secure attachment to us, helping us in those, in those young moments, to feel safe and seen and soothed and secure, as I talk about later, and I'll get into that, then we literally have to rely on the protectors, all those storylines that we build up, the parts.

• 41:15Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 41:16Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 41:16Lewis Howes?

  The challenges, I mean, how many parents have tools, are healthy in their own emotional?

• 41:22Gabby Bernstein?

  So.

• 41:22Lewis Howes?

  It's like, how do they, how do you raise a kid who's healthy when so many people are struggling with their own challenges?

• 41:28Gabby Bernstein?

  Read the book.

• 41:29Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 41:29Gabby Bernstein?

  I'm so serious because then we get into, well, if you fast forward to chapter nine, it's about reparenting yourself. But so much of this book is, if you go through this book, you are, you will be a better parent.

• 41:41Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 41:42Gabby Bernstein?

  Without a shadow of a doubt. I mean, I've got a whole, I've got a chapter in here about hiding behind the body, that we have impermissible rage locked up in our back pain, in our headaches, in our gastrointestinal issues, in our insomnia, eczema. And I talk about the psychosomatic effects of the mental disturbances that have not been resolved and how they affect the body. And then speaking about shame, and then going even further, and IFS, and all of the somatic work that we can do, and then it carries on. So I take you through, this is the playbook.

• 42:13Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 42:13Gabby Bernstein?

  This is the playbook. And now, one thing I'm really cautious of with the reader is not every chapter is going to be right for where someone is right now. For you, you could pick this up and be like, yeah, I could do all of that, or I've done half that, and I'm going to do more. And, and for Martha, it's the same, it could be somebody on the street could be like, Okay, I just have to read this right now and just take it in.

• 42:30Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I can't even get started.

• 42:32Gabby Bernstein?

  I gotta come back in a year to do the exercises.

• 42:34Lewis Howes?

  Now, okay, so once we're aware and once we have the willingness and we're starting to wonder and look at some of these things and we say, okay, here's two things from my past that I haven't been willing to tell friends, partners, husbands, wives, spouses, parents, like I've neglected to talk about these things. They're so shameful. I'm so afraid to talk about them. Let's say it's one thing, two things, whatever. What is the next step? Once you become aware of your trauma and you know there's something you want to heal. Is it, well, there's a number of different therapeutic experiences you could go through. Here's a few to try. Is it everyone does it differently? Some people are more introspective and then do journaling prompts. Others need to speak to someone. Is, what are the best ways to heal?

• 43:19Lewis Howes?

  And really integrate the healing, because I think it's, again, I don't think it's like, I'm aware and I'm healed. It's like you've got to integrate the practice. And every time you're triggered, can you breathe and respond differently?

• 43:28Gabby Bernstein?

  Integration is the word, actually. It's the word. And well, like I said, everyone's going to resonate with different methods in this book that are appropriate for them at this time. You can trust your own internal system and intuitive force to know what's safe enough for you today. You'll feel it in your body. So for me, I wasn't going to be able to do the somatic experiencing, the body-based work until X period, like, you know, two years ago. Because that was when I could feel safe enough in my own body and almost back in my body, like I would just departed my body and I was like back in my human body.

• 44:10Lewis Howes?

  What somatic experiences? You mean like just body work?

• 44:12Gabby Bernstein?

  So SE, which is somatic experiencing, I write about in this book. It's invented by Peter Levine, is built on the premise that trauma is the inability to be present.

• 44:27Gabby Bernstein?

  And when we have deep rooted trauma, yes, it's activated in our thoughts at times, but primarily it's body based. So we have these triggers that then send-

• 44:43Lewis Howes?

  Store to the body. The body keeps the score. Yeah.

• 44:45Gabby Bernstein?

  Correct. So they send these messages, these, these, these triggers send a message to the brain that says like, fight, flight, freeze. And so what happens as a child is whatever you were unable to do, like in my case, let's say I needed to push someone off of me, that became, I mean, I was not able to complete that, that full blown, you know, so fight, flight, and then it froze. Right? So if you freeze in time, you're, you're stuck, that, that energy gets truncated in your system and you become stuck in the neural loop of fight, flight, you know, and then, and then you get stuck and then fight, flight, stuck, you know, and that repetition, repetition.

• 45:24Gabby Bernstein?

  And so the beautiful process of, of somatic experiencing is about no storyline. It's not about this, the, what happened, where you, where you, it's all about the body and going right into the body, going right into the presence of the body and allowing the body to show you what it needs to do to fully reprocess the experience.

• 45:46Lewis Howes?

  That's powerful.

• 45:46Gabby Bernstein?

  And so in some cases, it's very slow, right? So it could be like, if you wanted to punch somebody, it's like a really, really slow movement. And I give, and this is body based work. So the practices that I give in that chapter are also things that you can do right now to start to ground your body. So a heart hold, like putting your right hand on your heart and your left hand on your belly. And actually, interestingly-

• 46:07Lewis Howes?

  Hugging yourself.

• 46:08Gabby Bernstein?

  Try this out. Put your right hand on your heart and your left hand in your belly. How does that feel?

• 46:12Lewis Howes?

  It feels good.

• 46:13Gabby Bernstein?

  Okay, switch hands. Left hand. Does that feel better or worse?

• 46:19Lewis Howes?

  Different because I'm used to putting my right hand over my heart.

• 46:21Gabby Bernstein?

  So not as, not as soothing.

• 46:23Lewis Howes?

  Not as natural.

• 46:24Gabby Bernstein?

  There you go. Okay. So it's important. I just learned this. I interviewed Dan Siegel and I was doing this and he's like, "Well, you put the right hand on your heart, but I do the left." And he's like, 70% of people put their right hand on their heart and they feel that safety. And the rest kind of do the left. So you have to check on which side's right for you. But the heart hold or a head hold, these practices are really profound for settling your nervous system. Breathing in for two strokes, out one long stroke if you're feeling overly anxious and activated. So

• 46:59Gabby Bernstein?

  tapping E F T, which you've talked about tapping on the gamut point. So there's a point between your ring finger and your pinky finger. And if you're in that stressed out place and you're getting in the loop, tap, "I am safe." And tap and just repeat, "I am safe. I am safe." A power pose, like standing like Superman, you know, superwoman, that can change your nervous system. So these practices are really body-based practices for letting your system settle in the moment. And then of course I say in the book, if you want to go further, find a somatic experiencing therapist and here's how. And, and all of the methods that I was guided to for my recovery were all spiritual therapeutic practices.

• 47:40Gabby Bernstein?

  I can say this because I'm not in the clinical space, but I believe that they're all extraordinarily spiritual, the specifics. So E M D R, which is eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. That's designed again to help you reprocess that loop.

• 47:56Lewis Howes?

  So once we figure out which therapeutic experiences are best for us, right? It's going to be different for each one of us.

• 48:03Lewis Howes?

  What would you say, you know, can we fully heal something? Is it, how long does it take? You know, is it based on the trauma and how long we've said it's stored? Is there hope for people to say, "I don't want to have this trigger for the rest of my life." I want to feel like peaceful.

• 48:17Gabby Bernstein?

  Well, let me ask you this.

• 48:18Lewis Howes?

  When things happen, I don't want to be reactive.

• 48:20Gabby Bernstein?

  Let me ask you this. In general, how do you feel?

• 48:22Lewis Howes?

  Incredible.

• 48:23Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 48:23Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I feel good.

• 48:24Gabby Bernstein?

  Me too.

• 48:25Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. But for 25 years, I felt a lot of inner stress, you know, inner, inner conflict and anger.

• 48:30Gabby Bernstein?

  So thank you to the 25 years for all that it offered you to get you to where you are now.

• 48:36Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 48:37Gabby Bernstein?

  But you feel awesome.

• 48:38Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 48:38Gabby Bernstein?

  So do I. So.

• 48:42Gabby Bernstein?

  While it's been a good committed devotional practice, we are living proof that there is a guided path from trauma to profound freedom and inner peace.

• 48:52Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 48:52Gabby Bernstein?

  We're living that.

• 48:53Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 48:54Gabby Bernstein?

  And it doesn't mean that we don't still have triggers. It doesn't mean that there isn't like more of the crystal to shine. Doesn't mean that I still don't go to therapy every single week and sometimes twice a week. But because I want to continue to care for and honor and respect all of the parts of who I am.

• 49:11Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. I mean, I come from the sports background, which you know, and I'm a big fan of doing, having accountability for your goals, right? If I'm talking about sports background, it's like, and I know I can't do it alone in athletics. So why try to do it alone in my emotional, you know, growth?

• 49:31Gabby Bernstein?

  Totally.

• 49:32Lewis Howes?

  My mental growth, my spiritual growth. I can do, I can go pretty far on my own, but I think it's just good to have the accountability for whatever that looks like for people. I'm not saying they need therapy every week or they need to invest in something, but it's good to have accountability, however you find it.

• 49:47Gabby Bernstein?

  I agree. Yeah.

• 49:47Lewis Howes?

  I think it's really powerful.

• 49:48Gabby Bernstein?

  It's one of the reasons that the 12 step program works so well. It's because of the fellowship. It's because you have a sponsor. It's because you have meetings. People are looking for you. Where, where is that person today? You know? Just got a text message from one of my friends who had been sober. We've been sober for 16 years. He's been sober 17 years. And I was the first, first person I met in AA and he texted me today and he's like, check it in.

• 50:10Lewis Howes?

  You still good? Yeah.

• 50:11Gabby Bernstein?

  Checking in.

• 50:12Lewis Howes?

  How long were you in AA for?

• 50:13Gabby Bernstein?

  I'm still in AA.

• 50:14Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 50:14Gabby Bernstein?

  Yes.

• 50:15Lewis Howes?

  So once you started, you never stopped?

• 50:16Gabby Bernstein?

  Some people stop.

• 50:18Lewis Howes?

  So is that once a month? Is that once a week? What is that?

• 50:20Gabby Bernstein?

  Well, really depends on who you are and what you need, right? So I, I go to meetings now. You can go to Zoom meetings. I go to meetings in person sometimes, but mostly Zoom since, since the pandemic, unfortunately.

• 50:34Lewis Howes?

  Right, right. Is it hard for people who start AA to?

• 50:40Lewis Howes?

  Not need it anymore? Or you're kind of like?

• 50:43Gabby Bernstein?

  Well, I think that

• 50:44Lewis Howes?

  Can you transcend that, I guess?

• 50:46Gabby Bernstein?

  You can move into a different type of program. You can move into a different type of therapy. There's plenty of people, when they get long-term sobriety, that they start to feel less resonant with some of the meetings and things. But it's suggested, and I think recommended, to stay close to it because you don't want to forget where you came from.

• 51:02Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 51:04Gabby Bernstein?

  I think everyone's path is different.

• 51:05Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 51:06Gabby Bernstein?

  I actually share a story in the book about sharing about, I believe, and I, Gabby Maté would say this, and other, other folks in this trauma.

• 51:14Lewis Howes?

  I've been watching his stuff. I love his stuff.

• 51:15Gabby Bernstein?

  He's incredible, yeah.

• 51:16Lewis Howes?

  I gotta interview him soon.

• 51:17Gabby Bernstein?

  Yes, you do.

• 51:18Lewis Howes?

  He looks amazing, yeah.

• 51:19Gabby Bernstein?

  What he would say is that, and I agree with this completely, is that trauma is the root cause of addiction.

• 51:25Lewis Howes?

  That's what he says a lot.

• 51:26Gabby Bernstein?

  A hundred percent. Couldn't, couldn't agree more.

• 51:28Lewis Howes?

  Because if you're not, yeah, if you're not, you don't need addiction if you're not traumatized by something, right? If you feel peace inside, why would you need to reach for some?

• 51:35Gabby Bernstein?

  Correct. And we all have trauma, and so we all have reactive ways of acting. But the bigger the trauma, oftentimes, the bigger the coping mechanism, AKA the firefighter part.

• 51:45Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 51:45Gabby Bernstein?

  And that's an addiction, right? So addiction is a way of, a huge way of putting out the fire.

• 51:52Lewis Howes?

  So the root cause, or the root of addiction is trauma, or unresolved trauma, it sounds like.

• 51:57Gabby Bernstein?

  That's correct.

• 51:57Lewis Howes?

  And so if you want to eliminate your addiction, your negative addictions, the key is to figure out where's the trauma and start healing that trauma.

• 52:04Gabby Bernstein?

  Hmm, yeah, that would be the goal. But I, I noticed when, I noticed in my own, with a lot of sober people in my life, that they all have had similar experiences to myself and to you, and big T traumas.

• 52:17Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 52:18Gabby Bernstein?

  And even being clean and sober, it's still terrible. I mean, I was sober 11 years before I was ready to face into my big T trauma.

• 52:28Lewis Howes?

  Interesting. Do you feel like if you'd have faced it year one or two, do you think you would have?

• 52:33Gabby Bernstein?

  I wouldn't have been able to, and I'll explain to you why. So I said to my therapist, when I remembered that trauma, why now? Why am I remembering this now? And she said, because you're safe enough to remember. You're, you're, and you've been in enough therapy. You have enough spiritual foundation. You're safe enough to remember.

• 52:49Lewis Howes?

  You've got a good support group. You've got a good partnership, yeah.

• 52:51Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 52:51Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 52:52Gabby Bernstein?

  That's right.

• 52:53Lewis Howes?

  But if he is saying that the root of addiction is trauma, why don't we want to start going to the trauma first? But if you're saying, if you don't feel safe enough to face it, it may take you time.

• 53:01Gabby Bernstein?

  So that's, that's the point. So I think going to the trauma is so delicate and gentle. And it's like peeling back those layers of the onion. And anyone that's listening right now, still listening, because many people might have just been like, I'm so activated. You know, this is a lot for me. And they'll come back in a half a year or whatever, a year from now and listen again. But the bottom line is, is that we all have these traumas and we're running from them. And to go headfirst into them would be like ripping off the Band-Aid or just being in the dark and all of a sudden walking into the brightest light you've ever seen. And it might be blast you out. And that can happen. It does happen. People do remember when they're not ready to.

• 53:45Gabby Bernstein?

  And even when you are ready, it's terrifying to remember these things or accept things. But yeah, it's, you have to go slow.

• 53:52Lewis Howes?

  Okay. So what about if someone is suffering? Do you feel like addiction is tied to suffering as well? Like inner suffering? And so if we feel suffering or inner pain, then we reach under these coping mechanisms or you call protectors?

• 54:07Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah, yeah. So I was in getting my nails done yesterday. They look really cool, right? I'm getting my nails done and I was talking with a nail artist and she was really lovely. And she said, I said, I'm like, you're really relaxed. And she's like, yes, the building could be burning and I would be fine. Like, I'd be like, okay, let's get out of the building. And then she said to me, the next sentence was, but I'm dying inside.

• 54:35Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 54:36Gabby Bernstein?

  And I said, oh, okay. So that numbed out person is your protector. Oh, like, oh, she's doing a good job. She's keeping you safe right now. And then I handed her a book.

• 54:47Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 54:48Gabby Bernstein?

  Because, yeah, because I always carry books around during my book lunch. I, I just recognized that everyone is suffering.

• 54:58Gabby Bernstein?

  Those of us who've had the privilege of going to the places that scare us and coming out the other side and doing the deep work are suffering less because we've been through and continue to work on.

• 55:10Lewis Howes?

  We have tools to get out of it quicker, yeah.

• 55:13Gabby Bernstein?

  And we've, we actually have retrained our brains. So neuroplasticity shows that you can literally change your neural pathways. So you and I have the loop, you now are aware of the loop.

• 55:25Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 55:25Gabby Bernstein?

  Five years ago, you wouldn't even have known the loop was there, you know?

• 55:28Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 55:28Gabby Bernstein?

  So.

• 55:28Lewis Howes?

  Don't try to change me.

• 55:29Gabby Bernstein?

  Exactly. It's who I am. You know, I'm gonna prove myself, right? So we, and defend, but we, we, the more work you do, the more you change your brain and your nervous system and your reactivity and all the ways that you run. And so there's all, everyone's suffering, some less than others, primarily based on your willingness to go to the places that scare you.

• 55:55Lewis Howes?

  Now, Martha was telling you before we jumped in this about, you know, I was doing pretty much weekly therapy and reconnecting to the inner child and a lot of different stuff. And at the end of the year, my therapist gave me an exercise. She said, at the beginning of the year, she said, what is your intention? The first session I did with her.

• 56:17Gabby Bernstein?

  Love her.

• 56:18Lewis Howes?

  For this session, right? And what's your intention from wanting this therapy, this experience, coaching? And I said, I want clarity, peace, and freedom. And every time she asked me before our calls, what do you want? I said, clarity, peace, and freedom. And at the end of the year, she was like, have you found this? I said, I became this.

• 56:38Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 56:39Lewis Howes?

  I was like, I didn't find it. I didn't create it. I became it.

• 56:41Gabby Bernstein?

  That's exactly right.

• 56:42Lewis Howes?

  I integrated it. I became it. I am peace. I am clear. I am free. I haven't found it and grabbed it.

• 56:48Gabby Bernstein?

  It's not something you have to find. It's something you have to release the blocks to the presence of.

• 56:53Lewis Howes?

  And she said, great, I want you to do an exercise, you know? I want you to give yourself, you know, write in a card that you've created this, like you've become this. And put each one of those in a box, you know, tie a bow on it, and then open it up on Christmas morning to receive the gift that you're giving yourself.

• 57:12Gabby Bernstein?

  So beautiful.

• 57:13Lewis Howes?

  Right? So it was this beautiful ritual. And then she said, also, I want you to, Martha was in on this conversation as well. So we both did this. She said, also, what's the gift you want to give yourself next year? Like, let's plant the seed for what you want to step into, because this was a big year for you. You created these things, you became them. What's the gift for next year? And I thought about it for like a minute. I think I said one thing and she was like, hmm, I'm not sure if that's what it is. And I was like, oh, I know what it is. It's ultimate courage. It's ultimate courage for just everything that, not enough created this foundation. It's like kind of stepping into more things, right? It's like, what have I been afraid of or maybe resistant to in the past? And now I'm going to step into with, with peace and clarity and with freedom and not feeling afraid, right?

• 57:58Lewis Howes?

  And so I did that ritual and that practice. And then, you know, the next week I was like, we should, you know, I was telling Martha, I was like, I think we should move in together, you know? Which I would never do in the past, you know, I never was like curious about that. I was kind of a resistant, waited as long as I could. So that was one thing.

• 58:18Lewis Howes?

  That happened in the first month and then my, my father passed away, which was like this 17 year journey of kind of wondering how long he would last and all these different things from his accident. And I remember I did a session with my therapist, maybe two days after he passed, that was already planned on the schedule. And I was like, you know, I wanted this, but I didn't know it was going to happen this quickly. Right. You know, it's like, be careful what you want, because the universe, like you said, will bring you things to, to see if you're actually going to step into that, right? Like how you, how you respond to it. I'm curious, based on, and I feel like it's been a, a beautiful journey, sadness and grief, but also like awareness of

• 59:01Lewis Howes?

  the beauty from these experiences, right? My father passing mostly.

• 59:06Lewis Howes?

  I'm curious with what happened in your life, losing your child recently. What was that? How have you been able to practice and integrate the lessons you've learned? Through the journey of something you're just very sad to go through.

• 59:22Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 59:23Lewis Howes?

  A big loss for you and your family.

• 59:25Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah. Well, first of all, I'll say that I think that having been through and come out the other side on so many different benchmarks throughout my journey gave me the felt sense and the energy of knowing that that's possible.

• 59:44Lewis Howes?

  To get through it.

• 59:45Gabby Bernstein?

  To get through it. Correct.

• 59:46Lewis Howes?

  It's just gotta be.

• 59:47Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah. So just for the listener that's not aware, I was pregnant three and a half months ago. Five and I was five and a half months pregnant, three months ago. And I'd worked a year with IVF and I say worked, it was work.

• 1:00:01Lewis Howes?

  Daily, daily grind, right?

• 1:00:02Gabby Bernstein?

  It's a lot. And I did nine IVF treatments to get one healthy embryo. And we kept saying, all you need is one, all you need is one.

• 1:00:10Lewis Howes?

  Oh, my gosh.

• 1:00:11Gabby Bernstein?

  And my son, Owen, was his name, was in my body for five and a half months until my 20 week scan, when I found out that he was still alive, but he was not growing because my placenta wasn't giving him what he needed. And so I had to do a D N E, which is an abortion, pretty much.

• 1:00:29Lewis Howes?

  Oh, my gosh.

• 1:00:30Gabby Bernstein?

  Have him. Yeah, I mean, it was, that was horrific. And the days following, well, really it was the lead up that was the most horrific, that I still have a lot of PTSD that I have to work.

• 1:00:44Lewis Howes?

  You mean the weight?

• 1:00:45Gabby Bernstein?

  She's like carrying a baby in you that's alive. Yeah. And then

• 1:00:50Gabby Bernstein?

  fall, once everything was complete and I went home to my three year old, beautiful, amazing son. And I had played, I had my little kitten on the way, right? I was like in the hospital, like talking to the cat guy, being like, get me that cat now. And so I, I went, I, I came home and. Very quickly, it was beautiful to witness all my work right there, all my personal growth work and spiritual work, right there in place for me, like this soft pillow I landed into. And there was my IFS. And it was like, oh, okay. My girlfriends would be like, why aren't you feeling more things? Shouldn't you just be upset right now? And I was like,

• 1:01:34Gabby Bernstein?

  no, I have a dissociation part that's doing a beautiful job keeping me safe right now. I don't want her to stay there forever, but right now she's doing a great, she's kicking. Okay. So I was checked out for a little bit and then I would dip into it and check out and dip in, but I was aware of that. I didn't get stuck in that dissociation. And then there was this faith part that is so much stronger than my fear for, from 20 years of spiritual development. And I just know in my heart that this soul came to me in this way at this time to experience what it's like to be with me and my body and to feel loved by me. And then that was enough for him. And I have faith that the soul will

• 1:02:19Gabby Bernstein?

  come back or can come back in a different form, different than I expected. I believe, I've always believed that we have spirit babies and our spirit babies choose to come into our life at the divine time for them and for us. And sometimes they come to teach us lessons and sometimes they come to just experience the love in our system or to experience what it's like to be in a body. And then they want to go. And I, I, I'm glad that I could facilitate that for him. And I feel, and I asked him for a sign, which was a blue butterfly to show me he's around. And the first thing I saw when I walked in the door was Martha's phone screen is a blue butterfly. Oh, my gosh.

• 1:03:01Gabby Bernstein?

  And there's blue butterflies all in my life, everywhere. So that's, yeah, that's, that's, that's my, my sign for my son. And I do believe that an angel incarnated into my kitten, because that really helps. And having my, my profound child, Oliver, who's, you know, holding me, which is just providing me with the most incredible opportunities every single day to just. Be the best version of myself for him.

• 1:03:27Lewis Howes?

  Where do you feel like you're at in the process? Do you feel like you're, you know?

• 1:03:31Gabby Bernstein?

  Well, you know, it was interesting. For decades, I've had this experience of counseling women and men, but particularly women, through this type of grief. And I realized when it happened to me.

• 1:03:43Lewis Howes?

  Like you would coach other people.

• 1:03:44Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:03:45Lewis Howes?

  They would have to abort it, there was a baby.

• 1:03:46Gabby Bernstein?

  Countless, I mean, at least in one person in every audience, you know? Women struggling to conceive, women struggling with fertility, but mainly miscarriage or loss or full term loss. There's horrific stories.

• 1:04:01Gabby Bernstein?

  Two of my longtime coaching clients, two of them that were, I mean, I used to coach 20, 16, 15 years ago, but two young women that I coached, both lost babies full term. And so this, what I, the first phone calls I made was to them. And I just was like, remind me what I said to you.

• 1:04:19Lewis Howes?

  Oh, wow.

• 1:04:20Gabby Bernstein?

  And the truth is, is that I really looked at the grief counseling that I had offered these women, even having not experienced it. And it was spiritual counseling and said to myself, wow, this is what you've been training for. I knew it was true. I knew it worked, but I now was really living it. And it was really profound to just be the witness of how strong my faith is and how strong my center is and how, and how I am so resilient. And also so vulnerable too, and willing to just continue the journey of grief in its natural order, not force it.

• 1:05:04Lewis Howes?

  Forcing like, what's been the biggest lesson? I mean, it's only been a few months, it's still so recent, but what's been the biggest lesson for you with taking on the grieving process that you've been teaching for others and just experiencing it all mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically? I mean, it's a big physical transformation, obviously.

• 1:05:21Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah, that was tough. That's tough, being 20 pounds overweight and not having your baby there, right? And, uh, well, some of it has been really understanding that the, a journey, a path through grief could look like. Titrating in and out of the feeling. So that you could be completely fine and normal and dissociated, or just happy in the moment. And then feel into it and then be doing great. And then I did a podcast the other day and a woman shared her story with me. It was just, you know, and then, but it was beautiful and we were able to hold each other in that same experience. And to just be able to dip in and dip out. But the biggest, the biggest opportunity was for me to see how my faith is so much stronger than my disbelief.

• 1:06:06Gabby Bernstein?

  It's, it's, and my fear, I have such a strong certainty that this happened exactly as it was meant to. And that there's something else coming.

• 1:06:17Lewis Howes?

  How do people get to that place, though? That maybe haven't had the training or the coaching or the, you know.

• 1:06:22Gabby Bernstein?

  Well, you know.

• 1:06:23Lewis Howes?

  How do we get to a place of certainty and a belief and not living in fear? About anything, not just of like.

• 1:06:30Gabby Bernstein?

  It's really my life's work, truly. My book, The Universe Has Your Back, is Transform Fear to Faith. This whole book, Happy Days, is all about reclaiming that serenity that you were just speaking of. And I've always loved this quote from A Course in Miracles. I'm not here to teach you the meaning of love. I'm here to teach you how to release the blocks to the presence of love. And so we all have that core sense of self with a capital S. We have that love, that compassion, that courage in all of us. We just have built up so many walls against it. And the more we tap into books like this, listen to podcasts like yours, the more we go into therapy,

• 1:07:14Gabby Bernstein?

  the more we spend time in spiritual settings or in therapeutic processes, the closer we get to that presence of self within. And that's the answer. That is the straight up answer. We, that nothing outside of us is going to be the source of our safety or security or happiness or worthiness. It has to be something that is restored within ourselves.

• 1:07:37Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:38Gabby Bernstein?

  And it's, it's a process. And that's literally why I wrote this book, because Louis, I care so much about this reader. I was having a call with my therapist and she's like, you know, you're working so hard and you're back to back. And I said, you know, I've never felt more on mission than I do right now.

• 1:08:05Gabby Bernstein?

  Because I think about how much suffering I've experienced in my life and how committed and courageous I've been to come through.

• 1:08:17Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:18Gabby Bernstein?

  And I just, I just want to be a power of example for every human that wants to heal, to know that that's possible for them.

• 1:08:26Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:08:27Gabby Bernstein?

  And I'm, so if I spend six hours in the ISO booth recording podcasts, it's for a reason.

• 1:08:32Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:33Gabby Bernstein?

  It's not about some credential, it's about making sure that whoever needs this is going to hear about it.

• 1:08:38Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 1:08:41Lewis Howes?

  What do you think your life's going to be at a year from now? From all the things you're going to go through and the process of grieving and growth and learning and service, where do you think you'll be? I guess is tomorrow, two, two, two, two, two?

• 1:08:55Gabby Bernstein?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:08:57Lewis Howes?

  Where will you be, I guess, you know, a year from that date, you think?

• 1:09:00Gabby Bernstein?

  Two, twenty-two, twenty-three?

• 1:09:02Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:04Lewis Howes?

  Emotionally, spiritually, physically, you know, where do you think you'll be?

• 1:09:07Gabby Bernstein?

  So I would guess I would say I'm just continuing to shine the crystals. So I would hope that the steadiness I feel now is just even more magnified and my ability to witness my triggers and smoothly transition and take my little girl to, you know, to the bedroom and cuddle with her just is faster and quicker and that direct line access to self is stronger and just more and more developed. I want to continue to educate myself. I want to get, I want to go further and potentially even see if I can get some credentials at some point.

• 1:09:40Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 1:09:41Gabby Bernstein?

  Not really about the credentials, but just go do deeper training.

• 1:09:44Lewis Howes?

  Therapeutic training, yeah.

• 1:09:46Gabby Bernstein?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:09:46Lewis Howes?

  That's cool.

• 1:09:47Gabby Bernstein?

  And just to really give my, I mean, I definitely want to go as far as I can with all the IFS training. And most importantly, you know, somebody says to me like, oh, okay, what's next for Gabby Bernstein? And I said, what's next is next week. I can't wait to see my book in the hands of all these people and just witness their transformations and see them have the experiences. And, you know, so many people throughout my career have written to me and said, oh, this book changed my life or this book changed my life. And I always say, I didn't change your life, the book didn't change, you changed your life. Like I told you a story, you did the practice, you changed your life. And so I've always felt that so strongly. And now more than ever, I feel this sense of urgency, that this is so necessary.

• 1:10:31Gabby Bernstein?

  This is like required curriculum to be living in the human condition. Whether it's my book or somebody else, and that's all Vanderkolk, or you know, your book, or whatever it is that you find that's your, your path to recovery of whatever that means to you. And I just, I just, what's, what's next for Gabby Bernstein is right now, tomorrow, witnessing people hold the book in their hands.

• 1:10:52Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. I'll never experience labor or childbirth or anything like that. But I'm curious, what has been a powerful spiritual practice for you since, over the last three months? Are you, are you able to have conversations with your child's soul? Is there something you hope other moms could do if they go through this experience? That you really recommend has been helpful for you? Cause I don't know the statistics of miscarriages or things like that, but.

• 1:11:18Gabby Bernstein?

  Oh, they're insane. Like it's like 80% of people have like have some kind of.

• 1:11:24Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 1:11:24Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:25Lewis Howes?

  Do you feel like it's, I mean, I don't know. Do you feel like it's powerful to have a spiritual conversation with your child? Once the child is no longer physically there?

• 1:11:32Gabby Bernstein?

  Yes.

• 1:11:33Lewis Howes?

  Cause I'm not as sure if moms do that or not, or if they just kind of like move on to the next.

• 1:11:38Gabby Bernstein?

  Really depends on where you're at.

• 1:11:39Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:39Gabby Bernstein?

  I think that sometimes the safest thing for somebody to do is just move forward or get, you know, get pregnant again. And that's, that's totally understandable.

• 1:11:47Lewis Howes?

  Are you having conversations?

• 1:11:48Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah. I, so I hear spirit guy, I have spirit guides and we all do, I believe. And I can hear that presence and I can feel that guidance. And I also know that my guides work through people and friends. And I was kind of, I have, I, right when I lost Owen, I had this immediate psychic knowing that there was another soul, that the same soul was coming back. And then as I mentioned to you, it was like kind of really overly reiterated by every psychic in my life. And so that sense of knowing was so strong and then it was really reinforced for me. And there is a path forward that doesn't, it doesn't require that much of my body, but it's a path forward to this child potentially coming through. And I.

• 1:12:35Gabby Bernstein?

  Wasn't really like taking the actions on it like I like kind of took an action like made a phone call to the doctor and then just like they're like, oh, he'll get back to you in January. They never got back to me. I was sort of just like hanging out. And then out of the blue, I got it's the same doctor that my friend used for her son to to with IVF and and ultimately she she she did a she did a donor egg and now has this most incredible child ever with her husband. So she loves this doctor and she she just texted me out of the blue and she said, Listen, I just texted the doctor and asked him to fast track you

• 1:13:12Gabby Bernstein?

  forward. And I was just like, that is my baby in action. I was not sure. I was overwhelmed. I was feeling, should I do this? Do I want to do, you know, like, it was just a lot to go through. And so then you you God will do for you what you cannot do for yourself. And God works through people and my spirit baby works through people. And he was like, Jamie, knock, knock, knock, you know, get this going. And she said, Yeah, no, I know.

• 1:13:46Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:13:49Lewis Howes?

  Well,

• 1:13:52Lewis Howes?

  one of my, one of my triggers is I laugh when things are really sad.

• 1:13:56Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah, no, I do the same thing. I do the same thing.

• 1:13:59Lewis Howes?

  Stuff. I'm just like, this is heavy stuff. But I think it's important for us to all look at because heavy things are going to happen to all of us, you know, we're not getting out of here alive. No one's getting out alive. Like, there are things, just sad things are going to happen. And I think it's prepare ourselves for

• 1:14:17Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah,

• 1:14:17Lewis Howes?

  staying peaceful.

• 1:14:18Gabby Bernstein?

  That's a nice point, right? So it's like, doing a let's say you're not having an acute crisis. Someone's in acute crisis right now is like, that's my book. I want to read that book right now. Someone that's just like, oh, like, I'm doing some things I don't like to do. Read, read the book now, because it's

• 1:14:34Lewis Howes?

  Prepare yourself.

• 1:14:35Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah, it's, it's, it's, it's setting the foundation for a steadier system and the resilience is creating a life of resilience. So that no matter what you face, whatever it might be, you can, you can really be present and move through things with grace.

• 1:14:50Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 1:14:50Gabby Bernstein?

  Grieve with grace, you know, just and the thing I really want to mention, Lewis, is that, that while we talked about such deep stuff, and it's, we only go to big talk here with you. And and it may feel like, oh, you know, that's a lot. You can have a lot of fun along the way.

• 1:15:08Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:15:08Gabby Bernstein?

  And you and I can both really speak to that. We've done the past 20 years, 25 years, we've been working on ourselves really diligently with a lot of devotion, but we've had a lot of fun along the way.

• 1:15:18Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 1:15:19Gabby Bernstein?

  And we've had so much, so many miracles. And someone said to me, how do I live a miraculous life? I just said, add up the miracle moments. And so all those miraculous moments of relief, when you add them up, become a life of relief.

• 1:15:30Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. Here's, here's one I want to ask you a couple more things and we'll finish up here in a second. If someone is not willing to face their trauma, can they truly live an abundant manifesting life? If there's stored traumas?

• 1:15:45Gabby Bernstein?

  Good question.

• 1:15:45Lewis Howes?

  There's defensive guards? Or you're able to accomplish, accumulate, achieve, but still feel a lack of inner peace if you're not willing to do the deeper work?

• 1:15:55Gabby Bernstein?

  That's correct.

• 1:15:56Lewis Howes?

  So you can manifest and accomplish, but then it's still good to feel like something's missing.

• 1:15:59Gabby Bernstein?

  Correct. And so you can manifest a lot. You can work your off and produce to a certain level. And you can attract, you know, attract a partner. But there, but there, there won't be a sense of worthiness.

• 1:16:15Lewis Howes?

  Still.

• 1:16:15Gabby Bernstein?

  You won't believe you're worthy of what you attracted, or you won't be able to keep it, or you'll sabotage, or you'll keep looking for more. So it can never be, our happiness can never be something that we get. It has to be someone that we are.

• 1:16:34Lewis Howes?

  Ooh, yeah. So up until about three years ago, I guess, for you, because you were, you know, number one New York Times bestseller back to back to back and building this massive business. And you've got a great, you know, marriage and newborn son at the time. Did you feel like you were able to, and you were like the manifester, you know, you're like the attraction manifester teacher? And you were doing it for yourself, but you feel like you weren't, something was still missing?

• 1:16:59Gabby Bernstein?

  Well, I

• 1:17:02Gabby Bernstein?

  Think that there is definitely periods in my early career where I was manifesting a lot, but I wasn't, wasn't, I was holding it and manifesting it because career wise was all in the pursuit of good. But these other parts of my life were just like totally falling apart.

• 1:17:18Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 1:17:18Gabby Bernstein?

  So my career always believed and I always had complete full freedom because I knew I was on a mission.

• 1:17:25Lewis Howes?

  You were on a mission base, yeah.

• 1:17:26Gabby Bernstein?

  I was full service and love and have continued to be. And so my, my career's never been, it's just, you think it and it will be and that.

• 1:17:35Lewis Howes?

  What parts of your life were a kind of breakdown?

• 1:17:38Gabby Bernstein?

  Was dramatically struggling in my intimate relationships with friends and my, my, prior to my husband, but with my husband and you know, just relationships where I struggle, not so much, not so much like he and I, but, but my ability to really enjoy what I had manifested.

• 1:17:57Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 1:17:57Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah. And the, and even the struggle to conceive and there's just a lot of things I wanted in my life that were not coming easily because there was more that I needed to heal.

• 1:18:08Lewis Howes?

  You had some blocks or some troubles in that area. And so those things were more difficult to manifest.

• 1:18:13Gabby Bernstein?

  And if they did manifest, they, yes, they were difficult to manifest. And I believe that one will block the manifestation if we're not in an energetic alignment with it, or we will get it and not be able to believe we're worthy of it and look for more.

• 1:18:29Lewis Howes?

  Or sabotage it or something.

• 1:18:30Gabby Bernstein?

  Sabotage it, exactly.

• 1:18:31Lewis Howes?

  How do we get into energetic alignment of something we want?

• 1:18:35Gabby Bernstein?

  Do the inner work.

• 1:18:36Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:37Gabby Bernstein?

  It's all about the inner work. Listen, I wrote a book called Super Tractor and it's the methods for manifesting a life beyond your wildest dreams. But what is that book really? It's a book on how to feel good.

• 1:18:52Lewis Howes?

  That's it.

• 1:18:53Gabby Bernstein?

  It's a book on how to feel good.

• 1:18:54Lewis Howes?

  The foundation of gratitude, appreciation, acknowledging yourself, loving yourself in order to attract.

• 1:19:00Gabby Bernstein?

  And every single one of my books, no matter how forward facing the promise of manifestation may be, are all books on personal development. Because if, because spiritual development is personal development. The closer we get to that self-energy, the more spiritual we are because we start to be able to dissolve all boundaries with the presence of that spiritual self-energy.

• 1:19:23Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. I want people to get the book Happy Days, The Guided Path From Trauma To Profound Freedom And Inner Peace. This is some of the journey that I've been on the last few years that I think is helpful for everyone. I think inner peace is the ultimate key. You don't get the inner peace without facing the trauma, the hurt, the pain, the sadness, the resentment, the angers, the frustrations, the whatever it is, feelings you have about yourself, others, the world, you've got to find a way to heal and process in order to get to that place of inner peace. And I think that is the game we should all be on, figuring out how to find inner freedom, inner peace, no matter what circumstances are happening on the outside, because they're going to keep happening.

• 1:20:03Gabby Bernstein?

  I find it fascinating that your therapist said, what are the gifts that you want to receive? And two of them were peace and freedom.

• 1:20:09Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, clarity was the other.

• 1:20:10Gabby Bernstein?

  That was my mantra as well.

• 1:20:11Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, peace and freedom, because I didn't feel peace. I felt peace and freedom in certain areas of my life, but not in intimacy. And so it was, how do I get, you know, why? And I'm the common denominator of all these relationships breaking down in some way and choosing in a certain way.

• 1:20:28Gabby Bernstein?

  And attracting a certain type of person.

• 1:20:30Lewis Howes?

  Exactly. So I don't blame anyone else. I take responsibility of me being the one at the center of all those choices.

• 1:20:36Gabby Bernstein?

  And all that beautiful 25 years of work has gotten you to a place of just profound grace. And look what you attract.

• 1:20:45Lewis Howes?

  I know. It happened fast, too. I remember when we did the interview with you, you were like, Louis, now you're like the most eligible bachelor or something.

• 1:20:53Gabby Bernstein?

  I was like, Louis, the most eligible, he's like, about that, you know?

• 1:20:54Lewis Howes?

  I'm actually dating someone now, but yeah.

• 1:20:56Gabby Bernstein?

  That was your outing moment.

• 1:20:57Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. Well, I'm super grateful for you. I appreciate you. I think this book is very needed. So I want everyone to get a copy for yourself and a friend. Happy days are here and are coming if you're willing to do the work. That's what it is, willing to do the work.

• 1:21:14Gabby Bernstein?

  Do you want to know why I named it Happy Days?

• 1:21:16Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 1:21:16Gabby Bernstein?

  So I, when I was a kid, we would sit around the table and raise our glass. Instead of saying cheers, my family would say, happy days. And

• 1:21:29Gabby Bernstein?

  In retrospect, I really wasn't happy then. And now, sitting here with you, with our lights, camera, action, I am happy, truly, truly happy.

• 1:21:42Lewis Howes?

  That's good.

• 1:21:43Gabby Bernstein?

  And, and, and living happy days. Happy days.

• 1:21:47Lewis Howes?

  That's beautiful, that's beautiful. I want to acknowledge you, Gabby, for the constant work. I think I've known you for 12 years. I remember a time when you were dating your husband now, but you guys were dating. I saw you, I think I'd met you once before, but I saw you, I think it was off of Houston, in like, Lower East Side.

• 1:22:06Gabby Bernstein?

  That's where I live, yep.

• 1:22:08Lewis Howes?

  There was a, it was like, some music event, and you were at, and you were in the stairwell, and I saw you, you probably don't remember this, but you were with your husband, your boyfriend at the time.

• 1:22:18Lewis Howes?

  And, you know, I was going through all my own stuff, you were going through stuff, and I, and I, and I was just like, I remember, it was like, I really hope a lot of good things happen to this person.

• 1:22:26Gabby Bernstein?

  Oh, wow.

• 1:22:27Lewis Howes?

  Because I knew you were doing so much good work then, this must have been 2010, like 12 years ago.

• 1:22:33Lewis Howes?

  So I've known you for at least 12 years, and it's been a beautiful journey to, you know, you've been so helpful for me and supportive of my growth, and there for me in a lot of ways emotionally and spiritually and just, you know, I wish we could spend more time together, but, you know, whenever we catch up, it's always a beautiful, so I acknowledge you for constantly doing the work, because you've been teaching this stuff for so long, but going through what you've gone through, I don't even know what that feels like, and so I acknowledge you for the challenges you've had to face, the, the loss, the sadness, but also the profound wisdom and grace that has come from the adversities, and your willingness and ability to keep teaching in a graceful way, which I think is really challenging when we go through hard times.

• 1:23:17Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:18Lewis Howes?

  So I acknowledge you for constantly showing up, it's beautiful.

• 1:23:20Gabby Bernstein?

  Right back at you.

• 1:23:21Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I appreciate you. I've asked you this question, these last two questions a few times, but I'm curious where you're at now. So, this is called the three truths. If you could only share three lessons with the world, and all of your work was gone, for whatever reason, all your books were eliminated, and this was your last day on earth, and you could only share three lessons with the world. This is all we would have to remember your information, what would those three truths be for you?

• 1:23:50Gabby Bernstein?

  Everything you're looking for, you have.

• 1:23:56Gabby Bernstein?

  Trust in the presence of love and courage and grace within yourself. And focus on the good stuff.

• 1:24:05Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, of course.

• 1:24:07Gabby Bernstein?

  Don't sweat the small stuff.

• 1:24:08Lewis Howes?

  I know, the book is so powerful.

• 1:24:11Lewis Howes?

  Final question, what's your definition of greatness?

• 1:24:15Gabby Bernstein?

  Freedom and inner peace.

• 1:24:17Lewis Howes?

  Gabby Bernstein, thank you so much, appreciate it. Love you, appreciate you.

• 1:24:20Gabby Bernstein?

  I love you, thank you sweetheart.

• 1:24:22Lewis Howes?

  Thank you so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's show with all the important links. And also make sure to share this with a friend and subscribe over on Apple Podcasts as well. I really love hearing feedback from you guys, so share a review over on Apple and let me know what part of this episode resonated with you the most. And if no one's told you lately, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.