The Childhood Question That's Secretly Running Your Life | Aaron Doughty

Aaron Doughty, YouTube spiritual teacher with over 1 million subscribers and founder of the Shift Academy, joins Lewis Howes to unpack his SHIFT framework for identity transformation. Doughty discusses family constellation therapy, Dr. Mark Wolynn's book It Didn't Start With You, Psycho-Cybernetics, breathwork, the mother-father-child dynamic, and hypnotherapist Dolores Cannon's research on subconscious patterns and nervous system regulation.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:02Lewis Howes?

  Everywhere I go, airports, events, walking down the street, people stop me and say, Louis, this show got me through one of the hardest seasons of my life. And it's one of the coolest things when people come up to me. So if you see me, please come up and say hi and let me know how this show, The School of Greatness, has impacted you. It lights me up because our mission at Greatness Media is to impact 100 million lives every single week. So if today's conversation hits home for you, do me a favor and push the follow button right now. It means that the next conversation will be delivered to you and will find you exactly when you need it. Again, thank you so much for being here and listening to The School of Greatness. Make sure to follow right now to stay up to date on the latest and greatest.

• 0:46Speaker 01

  One of the strongest things that I think actually holds us back is this one simple question right here. Who did you have to be as a kid to receive mom or dad's love? One of the things I think that makes people more in an energy of attachment and not magnetic is that there's an attachment to an old identity of who they had to be.

• 1:07Lewis Howes?

  He's a spiritual teacher who has helped millions shift their identity, rewire subconscious beliefs and regulate their nervous system. So please welcome Aaron Doughty.

• 1:16Speaker 01

  Don't ever say, I'm a people pleaser or I'm this. That's a pattern. And then what's happened is you've misidentified a pattern for an identity. Instead, as you look at, what are the parts of myself that I'm attached to that are keeping this pattern alive inside of my body?

• 1:32Lewis Howes?

  What do you believe is the number one thing that blocks people from truly being so magnetic that they are unrecognizable?

• 1:41Speaker 01

  The thing that blocks people, I believe the most is...

• 1:49Lewis Howes?

  I want to start with the question that what do you believe is the number one thing that blocks people from truly being so magnetic that they are unrecognizable?

• 2:00Speaker 01

  The thing that blocks people, I believe the most is attachment. It's attachment to either beliefs, an old identity, attachment to outcome. And what happens is attachment, if you think about it in the terms of magnetic energy and vibration, think about it in this analogy, that your vibration is naturally high. Love, joy and peace is who you naturally are. The only thing that keeps you from being that magnetic version of you is that of attachment that puts the resistance underneath the surface. It's like a cork on the top of the ocean, just bobbing along.

• 2:44Speaker 01

  You give it resistance, it goes down. And to make it become magnetic, to make it go back up to the surface of the ocean, what do you do? Just let go. When you let go, it naturally just comes back up. So part of the challenge in our lives is that what we hold on to is we hold on to subconscious beliefs. We hold on to repressed energy from our past. And one of the strongest things that I think actually holds us back is this one single, this one simple question right here. It's, who did you have to be as a kid to receive mom or dad's love? Because whoever you had to be as a kid becomes the role and the identity

• 3:29Speaker 01

  that you live within as a survival mechanism in order to get by. So one of the things I think that makes people more in an energy of attachment and not magnetic is that there's an attachment to an old identity of who they had to be.

• 3:47Lewis Howes?

  That strategy was actually really effective because it helped you survive within your family dynamic.

• 3:52Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 3:52Lewis Howes?

  When you're eight, nine, 12, 16, you had to belong in order to survive.

• 3:59Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 3:59Lewis Howes?

  You had to simply perform if your parents needed you to in order for them to be happy with you or give you food and shelter.

• 4:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:07Lewis Howes?

  Like it was a coping mechanism in some ways, right?

• 4:10Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 4:10Lewis Howes?

  And then it just became a identity into adulthood. It's not like we just let it go right away.

• 4:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's the challenge is that a lot of times people will have like an identity. They'll say like, oh, I am a people pleaser. This is who I am. Oh, I am a perfectionist. You really aren't a people pleaser or a perfectionist. You have a pattern that was a survival mechanism as a kid that allowed you to be who you thought you had to be to gain the approval or validation of mom and dad.

• 4:42Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 4:43Speaker 01

  So don't ever say, I'm a people pleaser or I'm this. That's a pattern. And then what's happened is you've misidentified a pattern for an identity. So instead, what you look at is you look at, what are the parts of myself that I'm attached to that are keeping this pattern alive inside of my body? And for me, one of the patterns that I had to shed a few years ago even was a pattern of people pleasing. It was a pattern where I would catch myself feeling like other people's tension was something that I had to mitigate in order to feel safe. And part of it, I think, was just growing up, having in like a certain dynamic as a kid

• 5:26Speaker 01

  with a ex stepmom in my life that was controlling. There was an energy where I had to please in order to feel safe. I had to, that was my mechanism as a kid. So what happens is now as an adult, there's times where I'd find myself in that pattern and catch myself and then recognize that to be in that pattern is not magnetic because it's literally a survival strategy that also demands things from other people. So what we subconsciously do as adults, if we have unresolved stuff from childhood, is it's like this unresolved energy underneath the surface. We then try to go play that out with other people in our life

• 6:09Speaker 01

  because there's this unresolved energy that wants to be released. So who do people pleasers tend to attract into their life?

• 6:17Lewis Howes?

  Takers.

• 6:17Speaker 01

  Yes, takers and people you feel like you need to fix and people that are very hard to please and you don't want to disappoint them.

• 6:24Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 6:24Speaker 01

  So that's become a pattern that's familiar. So looking at that energy and recognizing it many times is about realizing that there's something here that I'm trying to gain from someone else by pleasing them, but there's something I'm not giving myself.

• 6:41Lewis Howes?

  What is the thing most people try to gain from other people by trying to please them?

• 6:46Speaker 01

  Approval. Approval. So when you think about it, like people, people that become people pleasers as kids were parent pleasers.

• 6:56Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 6:57Speaker 01

  So the belief was that I must please mom and dad because if I please mom and dad, they will be okay with me. And as a kid, to get the approval of your parents feels like it's survival. It's like death to not have that. And what happens as a kid too, is we internalize everything, right? So if mom and dad divorce or in an argument, like as kids, we, there's something wrong with me. It's shame. And that's really a lot of times what people pleasing is. It's like an avoidance of shame. It's an avoidance of vulnerability and it's being afraid to disappoint people.

• 7:34Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 7:35Speaker 01

  Big part of breaking these patterns though, is getting on the other side of actually feeling what's coming up inside of your body, but not being afraid to embrace what I call the dark side.

• 7:48Lewis Howes?

  What is the dark side?

• 7:49Speaker 01

  The dark side of a people pleaser, every, every person you meet that's a people pleaser or that has that kind of, or an over giver, there's a certain untapped energy inside of them that if they were to tap into, would completely transform their lives.

• 8:04Lewis Howes?

  What is that?

• 8:05Speaker 01

  That energy is being in contact with the stored anger and resentment underneath the surface. Normally what happens is that anger that you're afraid to share towards other people by expressing yourself becomes internalized. So then you beat yourself up because you said yes when you really meant no. So there's this, this part of us that gets repressed underneath the surface with anger. And the key is actually the thing that you avoid. If you can embrace it, you will start to become more free. So if you think about it in the form of a people pleaser, if instead you let it be okay that you express yourself and someone feels tension, the tension they feel in their body is not your thing to manage.

• 8:51Speaker 01

  You will feel tension inside of your body when you first start allowing other people to feel tension. And the key is to sit with it.

• 9:00Lewis Howes?

  So hard for a people pleaser.

• 9:01Speaker 01

  It is. It is because, here's why though. Because their tension feels like your tension. So as a kid...

• 9:09Lewis Howes?

  You just want them to be okay.

• 9:11Speaker 01

  We want them to be okay.

• 9:12Lewis Howes?

  You don't have to do that.

• 9:12Speaker 01

  And think about it like this, as a kid, you were in your own energy field. As a survival mechanism, you may have expanded your energy field to include mom and dad. Because now in order for you to feel safe, you need to ease the tension in them because their tension felt like your tension. So now as a survival mechanism, people that are considered empaths or people pleasers, they expand their energy field subconsciously to include their environment. So now, if there is a form of expression that happens, which may mean, I don't want to go to that thing, which may mean, hey, when you said this, this is how I felt. Those things used to feel like I'm not allowed to express that.

• 9:55Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 9:56Speaker 01

  But now when you express it, if somebody else has tension about it, your next level of growth is to let them be in the tension, knowing that that also might be their growth, which is a thing some people don't, aren't even aware of.

• 10:11Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 10:12Speaker 01

  Because we think, we think that easing someone else's tension by over giving or over extending ourself is benefiting them, when in fact it's enabling them. So as we start bringing our energy back into our bodies, as we start letting them be with tension, what we are doing is that tension that we sit with by letting them be in tension becomes the initiation out of the people pleasing pattern. And like when it comes to breaking any pattern, the first time you do something that's outside of your old identity as the people pleaser, which wasn't your identity, it was a pattern in a survival strategy. As you start to take action outside of that, it will feel unfamiliar.

• 10:57Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 10:58Speaker 01

  And what might also come is the dark side of this is you don't want to be seen as bad. You don't want to be seen as, um, you could, it was bad as a kid to be authentic. It was bad to have needs. It was bad to express anger. And guess what? If it was bad as a kid to express anger, then what happens is you repress a certain part of yourself and that anger then gets internalized. So then you have it under the surface and are angry at yourself. So when you think of people pleasers, they say, I don't like anger. Here's the thing, people pleasers subconsciously lot, they, they are extremely comfortable with tension.

• 11:43Speaker 01

  They just keep it inside of their bodies. So for a person to break the pattern of people pleasing, the key is recognizing that you're actually already comfortable with tension. It's just

• 11:53Lewis Howes?

  It's just within you.

• 11:54Speaker 01

  It's just within you.

• 11:55Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 11:55Speaker 01

  But the way out, the way into freedom is actually being able to express yourself in an authentic way. And then letting other people be with their tension, knowing it's not your thing to manage. And if they see you as bad, that also becomes something that you can begin to accept. That you're not bad because you express yourself. You're not bad because you let someone deal with their own energy of what they're feeling based on you being vulnerable or expressing how you feel. You then start to recognize that it's actually authentic. And the thing for people pleasers that will completely shift the pattern is when you go

• 12:36Speaker 01

  from subconsciously, you value approval and validation because you didn't receive it as a kid. So now as an adult, you have to give your inner child that same approval and validation. And then

• 12:51Lewis Howes?

  And you may not get it from anyone else.

• 12:53Speaker 01

  You may not. And, and here's the funny thing though. When you allow yourself to express yourself and you actually let it be okay if people don't resonate with you, that's when you're actually free. Like freedom is the ability to be disliked. What's so bad about being disliked? We think that if someone dislikes us, it means there's something wrong with us. We think there's something that there's something that we need to change about ourselves. When in fact, someone else not liking you may have nothing to do with you. And actually, if you can let other people not like you, you are actually free.

• 13:35Speaker 01

  Because then you've given up the role of trying to change what other people think about you.

• 13:41Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 13:41Speaker 01

  And as you know, being on, you know, like being in the limelight and stuff like that, like there's going to be people that love what you do. There's going to be people that don't like what you do and everything in between. It's a burdenful job to believe it's your job to please everybody. But here's the thing also that people can recognize about this pattern is that the more authentic you are, the more you begin to respect yourself. It's like you then will notice that other people, even though they may not approve of you in the same way, they'll respect you. So would you rather give up approval and validation from other people because you approve of and validate yourself?

• 14:24Speaker 01

  And in exchange then, there is many times respect. And you've probably had that experience before where you meet someone that even if you don't resonate with them or agree with them, you respect that they express themselves authentically.

• 14:38Lewis Howes?

  Sure. Yeah, you may not want to be friends with them, but you respect, okay, this person's living their life the way they want to.

• 14:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:43Lewis Howes?

  I guess the challenge is how does someone?

• 14:47Lewis Howes?

  How does someone navigate? Okay, I don't want to be a people pleaser anymore. I don't want to have the pattern of being a people pleaser anymore.

• 14:55Speaker 01

  Good job.

• 14:56Lewis Howes?

  But I also want people to not think that I'm, I don't know, unethical or bad or doing something in the wrong way. Like, is there a way to still do that? Or is it just, they're going to have their opinion on you no matter what you do, even if you say it with the most integrity and the most kindness. But people are going to have an opinion about whatever they want.

• 15:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:19Lewis Howes?

  That's, I guess that's a challenge because people are afraid of maybe not being disliked, but also what if they just completely misinterpret what I said or who I am?

• 15:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:30Lewis Howes?

  And now I feel like I have to explain myself or over explain so that they understand it.

• 15:35Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah. And in the same way, that's like another vein of a similar energy of being able to be misunderstood by people. Because ultimately, if you know who you are and you're living by the values of integrity, of vulnerability, of authenticity. And when you express yourself, when you normally thought it was bad, if that, if it comes up from other people and they misunderstand you, it's recognizing that it's still, it's still not your thing to manage. Because there'll be times that some people may misunderstand you, but part of that is when you stop being a people pleaser or you stop over giving, there will be people in your life that are used to that version of you.

• 16:20Speaker 01

  So when you stop doing it, their patterns come up because something's changed in you and you were very convenient for them for a long time.

• 16:28Lewis Howes?

  They're going to think you're a jerk.

• 16:30Speaker 01

  They're going to think you're a jerk.

• 16:31Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. If you're not over giving like you used to.

• 16:33Speaker 01

  Yep. What's changed? So did I do something wrong? And you gotta be aware sometimes that that could be their own version of trying to get you to go back, which is guilt. Guilt is, they may be doing it consciously or subconsciously, but you have to be aware of your own energy around guilt, letting yourself feel the guilt that comes up, but recognizing that what guilt is as an emotion is guilt means I feel responsible. So I feel responsible for how you feel.

• 17:04Lewis Howes?

  For their feelings.

• 17:05Speaker 01

  Exactly. So even then, their misunderstanding, right? Is if you're still, it still means living with an integrity of yourself and of your own expression, but knowing that even that is not your thing to manage for somebody else. And

• 17:22Lewis Howes?

  So hard for a lot of people.

• 17:23Speaker 01

  I'm sure it is, but that's, that's the cost. That's the cost of breaking the pattern and of authenticity.

• 17:29Lewis Howes?

  If someone is living in a state or a pattern of people pleasing and feeling guilty about how others feel about their actions or lack of actions. How high of a frequency can they actually get to inside of themselves energetically? If they're constantly living in a state of people pleasing and feeling guilty for someone else's feelings and emotions?

• 17:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, that will block them from getting to a state of true authenticity. And really what it is, is when you are comfortable being you and realize people feel, when you, how you feel in your body, when you express yourself, other people pick up on that energy and that becomes something that people gravitate to. Right? So it's like energy that's magnetic and contagious is the most fun you can have, the most present to the moment you are.

• 18:27Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 18:28Speaker 01

  And the most accepting you are of what you're feeling becomes a frequency and an energy that other people can tune to and match. And this is why you'll probably notice that the podcasts that do the best are probably the ones that you have the most fun recording.

• 18:48Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 18:48Speaker 01

  Or there's the, there's the most fluid conversation or even there's more of a divine energy flowing through where it's not as much the egos, it's like this dance that's happening. Right? And so energy that's magnetic is energy that's present. And the challenge with people pleasing in some of these patterns is when there's unresolved stuff under the surface and there's an attachment to outcome of what other people feel, that creates resistance. And people then play off of that resistance and are responding to it. And if you feel lack around acceptance or you feel lack, lack around validation and approval, what you're saying is that that lack in approval is not inside of myself

• 19:33Speaker 01

  or that approval and validation is not inside of myself, you have it. I need it from you. Now here's the thing, when you're around other people and you're thinking about them and you want something from them, think about it like you are energetically sending them energy. You're sending them energy and as you send them energy, it feels like a bombardment of energy. It feels intrusive.

• 19:56Lewis Howes?

  From you, it feels that way or?

• 19:58Speaker 01

  It feels, it feels like if I really wanted something from you right now and I was really craving it and I wasn't telling you about it, you would feel it and you, there'd be a part of you that would feel

• 20:07Lewis Howes?

  Resistant.

• 20:08Speaker 01

  You would resist it subconsciously. And when you bring the energy back into your body and I'm not attached, whether you, whatever you do, you'll feel more freedom. And that's when people can actually be chosen by other people. That's when people can actually have that energy come to them. It's when, when they bring their energy back. And the way in which there is this simple technique that I found that has completely transformed my life and thought like I have YouTube video on it and thousands of people, even when I meet people that, you know, recognize me from my videos, they, that, that technique is so powerful. It's very simple.

• 20:41Lewis Howes?

  What is this technique and, and what does it do?

• 20:44Speaker 01

  So it's called the frame technique. The frame technique has to do with feeling safe inside of your body. And it has to do with this idea of either sending energy out or feeling safe inside of yourself. The way I found out about this was actually years ago, I went to this transformation place in Costa Rica. And I get there and there's this consciousness teacher there and she's teaching about energy. And she did this simple exercise that I'll never forget. She had, she stood at the front of the room and she said, now everyone in the crowd, I want you guys to send me energy. Send me energy.

• 21:19Lewis Howes?

  Like loving, positive energy.

• 21:20Speaker 01

  Just any energy. Any energy you want, just project energy at me. So even if you say it's good energy, I'm, I'm going to send them good energy so they think about me, right? Everyone would send her energy in the crowd and she said, it, it, it feels like a bombardment of energy. It makes me back up. So then she said, now I want everyone to bring the energy back into your body. Bring the energy back into your body. Bring the energy back into your body. And as people did that, she said, now it's a magnetic effect. I feel drawn towards the crowd.

• 21:49Lewis Howes?

  You're pulling me towards you closer.

• 21:51Speaker 01

  By you being more present to your bot, in your body.

• 21:56Lewis Howes?

  So what does that look like to draw energy into your body versus sending energy towards someone else?

• 22:03Speaker 01

  It's actually the opposite, has the opposite effect of what people think that it does. Because what you actually do is you kind of solve the challenge as a kid of what you did when you expanded your field to include everyone else's and now you're sending energy. You actually feel the separation between you and someone else.

• 22:24Lewis Howes?

  When you draw it back?

• 22:25Speaker 01

  Yes, like you do, it's the frame technique is a very simple exercise. Where what you do is you stare at a candle flame about I about a couple of feet in front of you, but I distance, um, eye level. And what you do is on the in breath, you focus on the separation between you and the flame. And that represents self, okay? So in reality, there's self and other. And what happens is you think about it like the movie, The Matrix. Self and other, like zeros and ones, right? What happens is people who didn't feel safe as a kid, they only see more of other around, but they think it's their job to manage the emotion. So it's like, that's an extension of them.

• 23:07Lewis Howes?

  So it's kind of like making sure everyone that everyone's okay, people pleasing and checking in. What do you need from me? How can I be of support, whatever?

• 23:14Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 23:14Lewis Howes?

  But not from a lens of service and self, but more of a lens of I need everyone to feel good, so I feel good.

• 23:21Speaker 01

  Yes, it's a subconscious thing. And, and what happens though is as you, so you focus on this, the diff, the space between you and the flame, on the in breath, you focus on the space between you and the flame. On the out breath, what you do is you still keep your eyes focused on the flame. Eyes that wanders, a mind that wanders. And with your eyes focused on the flame, you then focus on the peripheral and that represents other. So it's self, space on, on the first in breath. And then on the out breath, you focus on other, but your eyes are still focused on the flame. And what this does is it allows you to start to feel more safe inside of your body.

• 24:04Speaker 01

  And you'll find that then when you go out and you meet other people, you find yourself less tuning to them, wondering how they're feeling. So, and who do I need to be? This doesn't mean by the way that you're not connected to other people in your life. Like it doesn't mean you're not still, you can, you can do this in regards to loved ones that you might take on more of their energy and you just want to like energetically feel safe inside of your body. You can still love them, but this allows you to separate your energy from other peoples when you've been taking on their energy.

• 24:36Lewis Howes?

  Wow, so if someone listening or watching feels, identifies themselves as an empath.

• 24:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:42Lewis Howes?

  And I feel the energy of every person around me and I feel people and animals and you know, anyone who's feeling something, I feel it. And it, and it kind of becomes me, their joy, their sadness, I take it on.

• 24:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:54Lewis Howes?

  What technique or strategy can they use, if it's this or something else, to create kind of like a, you know, a safe space around them while interacting with someone that has, that has a range of emotions?

• 25:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, I mean, it's the, the frame technique is such a powerful thing. Where when you begin to feel the separation in the space between you and other people, you allow yourself to then create safety inside of yourself.

• 25:23Lewis Howes?

  So give me an example, if you walked in here and I just said like, I'm having the worst day ever and everything's wrong and I'm breaking down and I'm like crying all over the place. And I'm like throwing this on top of you, right?

• 25:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:36Lewis Howes?

  How would you in that moment use this frame technique? Like what would you do inside of you while also being present to what my experience is? And not detach yourself from the person in front of you?

• 25:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:49Lewis Howes?

  And show that you're a caring, present human, but also not letting it be like, oh man, I'm exhausted from this interaction.

• 25:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, the, the difference is in the way in which I relate to you. And whether I think or feel that your pain of what you're going through is my job to manage by fixing you. Because that's where codependency stems from. Codependency stems from like the rescuer dynamic. I'm going to rescue Lewis, because if I rescue your, you, you're going to like me more, want to be around me more or something like that. So the frame technique is being able to still feel the space between us. But also allow myself to feel present inside of my body, to feel present, be like present with you.

• 26:39Speaker 01

  Healing happens in the presence of an empathetic witness. So to be an empathetic witness is different than me trying to fix you.

• 26:49Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 26:50Speaker 01

  Part of the thing that really would help people to understand how to really be there more for people is that when you see people as broken and needing to be fixed, you are doing them a disservice in the sense that it is an identity that you're in a way projecting onto them.

• 27:09Lewis Howes?

  It's an expectation that you're projecting onto them.

• 27:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:12Lewis Howes?

  That you think they should be.

• 27:13Speaker 01

  And, and a judgment in a way, like a label in a way. So if instead of seeing them as broken and needing to be fixed, you can acknowledge that they may be feeling a certain emotion, but you also understand that they're extraordinarily resourceful and powerful beings, even if they're not in the moment aware of it. So the presence you bring, the energetic alignment and balance that you bring to yourself becomes the healing mechanism for the other person. So if I was in, if I came into this room and you were like, oh my God, I'm feeling all these emotions and blah, blah, blah, blah. And you looked up at me and I'm like, Lewis, are you okay? Anything I can do different for you? Like what do you, you would, would you feel safe?

• 27:55Lewis Howes?

  No.

• 27:56Speaker 01

  No, but if you were feeling that way and I was like, oh wow, and I was like present with you and I slowed it down for you. And I asked you some questions that kind of got you more out to the roots or, or got you into reflecting things in a different way. It might be a different energy.

• 28:13Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 28:14Speaker 01

  Right? So the thing is, we heal through nervous systems. So when you, when I am in a calm, regulated nervous system and I'm coaching someone else, whether it's at a live event or whatever, my ability to be present with that person and my ability to be balanced inside of myself, even in the midst of them expressing their life challenges or what they're dealing with. The thing that really helps, that really helps them heal is that just being an energetic mirror to balance and understanding that they have the answers inside of themselves.

• 28:56Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 28:57Speaker 01

  And that's a huge part of the process. It's, we assume a lot of times because of how we've been conditioned, that answers are outside of ourselves. And therefore we look for it in other people or we look for it in content. Or we look for it in another YouTube video or another book. And a lot of times what happens is there's a feeling there that I am not already whole and complete the way that I am. So that shame, that emotion then becomes the driving force towards trying to heal more, which creates a shadow side because you're robbing yourself of the present moment right now being whole and complete.

• 29:37Speaker 01

  So when we talk about this energy of anything really, the things I've learned in the last couple of years have been very powerful transformations in my life have been around just understanding the energy. When I am in an energy where I'm having fun and there's passion or the divine flowing through, there's a magnetic frequency there. When other people are expressing their challenges to me and I'm balanced inside of myself, witnessing them even in their challenges and being present with them and asking questions that bring their own answers, it's extremely powerful and transformative.

• 30:16Speaker 01

  If I try to give people the answers that they're asking, that the answers are then in me and not them. And the truth is, the, we're in an era on the planet now where people are becoming more empowered to understand that the answers are within them. Not some guru, not some spiritual teacher, the answers are inside all of us. And the questions that, that get asked are the ones that will reveal the answers to the people.

• 30:47Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 30:47Speaker 01

  And it's from, it's just that we've been conditioned to believe and look outside of ourselves for the answer. And because we believe that, we look for it and we never think it's here now. So we're always looking, we're always trying to get somewhere else.

• 31:01Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 31:02Speaker 01

  And the, the joke of the whole thing is that in the present moment right now, if we can accept this moment 100%, have more fun and recognize that like, that it's, it's more of an energetic thing than it is a figuring out from the mind egoic thing. It's like from that energy state comes the answers. And it comes the alignment and it comes the recip, the reciprocal relationships, et cetera.

• 31:30Lewis Howes?

  You've been doing this work for over a decade now.

• 31:33Speaker 01

  Mm hmm. Yeah.

• 31:34Lewis Howes?

  But you said three years ago, you just started to have this awakening around the tendency or pattern of people pleasing.

• 31:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:43Lewis Howes?

  And starting to transition away from that.

• 31:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:48Lewis Howes?

  What was the wake up call for you that allowed you to say, oh, I'm still in this state?

• 31:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:53Lewis Howes?

  People pleasing in some way, or I'm still not free.

• 31:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:57Lewis Howes?

  I'm trying to be liked or whatever it is. Like, what was that aha moment for you where you said enough is enough? I'm not going to live like this anymore. And, and then what has it been like on the other side? Has it been easy in breaking that pattern?

• 32:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:11Lewis Howes?

  Has it been like, oh, this doesn't feel good when you create a barrier or boundary with people? And they don't like it.

• 32:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:19Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, what's that? What has that journey been like for you?

• 32:20Speaker 01

  So it's interesting. Like many people, I think, a lot of people I think are aware of some of their patterns. And I was aware of this pattern for years. It was just something that I was aware of, but I'm like, how do I shift it?

• 32:34Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 32:34Speaker 01

  What do I do? Tell me what to do so I can shift the pattern. And I kind of knew what to do, but also it's like, it felt like subconsciously it was still under the surface. So for me, what I'm thinking of is three or four years ago was where I really started to shed it in the sense that I recognized that my biggest block was that one question I mentioned earlier. Who did I have to be as a kid to receive mom and dad's love?

• 33:01Lewis Howes?

  Who was that?

• 33:02Speaker 01

  And who, for me, it was somebody that was very accommodating, somebody that was very tolerant, somebody that wasn't allowed to have their own needs. Um, the other side of the people pleasing thing was a very self reliant thing where I would just do everything myself, not need anybody else, hyper independent. On one hand, wanting intimacy or connection, but on the other hand, pushing it away at times because it felt, something about it felt not safe. So there was this like awareness of these patterns. And for me, part of it was as I started to become more and more successful with my YouTube channel and what I'm doing in the world, I started to create a lot more alignment inside of myself.

• 33:45Speaker 01

  But also there was this belief, subconsciously, that if I were to become like this level of success, then I would feel different, right? Like when I got the YouTube plaque for a million subscribers.

• 33:59Lewis Howes?

  Now I've made it.

• 34:00Speaker 01

  Now I've made it.

• 34:00Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 34:01Speaker 01

  You know, and I, I remember when I first got the first hundred thousand, I was like, it's gonna feel amazing. And then it happened, I'm like, okay, what about 200? You know, then it just, and what I recognize in myself was a deep reflection that a majority of my audience is women. And part of that could be just because of the spiritual, spiritual stuff that I talk about, right? And energy and relationship stuff, yeah. The other side of it though, is I feel like the more I went into the mother, father, child dynamic, which is the most powerful level of work that I found for really healing at a deep pattern level.

• 34:38Lewis Howes?

  This was the work that you were doing for yourself or teaching online?

• 34:41Speaker 01

  I was doing for myself and just sharing what I was learning online about it.

• 34:46Speaker 01

  But I, what I recognize in myself was that around that mother, father, child dynamic, I was in a way projecting onto my audience, that wanting to fix pattern was something that I had initially from mom as a kid. So for anybody that's watching this right now, if you were to take from zero to five years old, and you were, even if you don't remember your childhood, you were to begin to kind of map out what may have been happening in the household between zero to five years old, you'd find a lot of golden nuggets. Zero to five is where we create the imprint of our subconscious. We're primarily in a theta state and we are interpreting who we are.

• 35:30Speaker 01

  We are like forming the basis for who we are and how we relate to self and other. So for me, this stemmed because I got a session with a man named Dr. Mark Woolham, who wrote the book, It Didn't Start With You, which is all about inherited family trauma. And I had this session with him two days before I ran a live event and I got all this really interesting information. And what was interesting is on the call, the only thing he cared about was from zero to five years old. I'm like, well, I had an ex stepmom that came in my life and I had no freedom from nine to 17. He's like, yeah, we don't need to focus on that. So from zero to five years old, what I recognize inside of myself is around two or three years old, around one or two years old, my mom, her dad died.

• 36:13Speaker 01

  My mom had like trauma with her dad and she ran away when she was younger, but when her dad died, she lost a lot of weight and she wasn't sleeping at night. I found this out afterwards by asking family members and friends.

• 36:25Lewis Howes?

  Probably wasn't present with you.

• 36:26Speaker 01

  She wasn't present. But she could, she was doing the best she could, but because of that, I'm like, oh, well, if I imagine as one or two years old, looking up at a mom that was like.

• 36:35Lewis Howes?

  Depressed, stressed, shrinking.

• 36:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 36:38Lewis Howes?

  Physically, emotionally.

• 36:39Speaker 01

  Exactly. Yeah, like what, would, would I have felt that that presence was there? Like what would I have been interpreting about myself? And what I then looked at from zero to five was around three years old, my brother was born. And my younger brother, he had asthma. So he was in the doctors a lot. He got a lot of attention naturally because he needed it because he was sick and the attention really switched to him. So I imagine that as a three year old, as an adult, I understand like, oh, I didn't, the little version of me like it's, your brother needs it. But I've always felt like afraid of stealing the limelight for my brother because he kind of needed it because he got it so much when he was a kid. When I was three years old, that's when he was born and like, where did the awareness

• 37:24Speaker 01

  and the, the, the energy go? And then around four or five, my parents divorced when I was five. So you, you would think that, okay, around four or five, that's when things probably started going south. And then at five, the divorce happened. So just that information right there, who I had to be was somebody that didn't have needs, somebody that was also trying to like please mom, like, you know, I think there was a certain level of like sadness almost that I had trouble connecting to as an adult. Part of which is like, I was so, I would attract women that kind of would reflect that energy back. But there was a definitely an energy of feeling like I had to fix and having high tolerance. And what I became aware of.

• 38:09Lewis Howes?

  Enduring.

• 38:10Speaker 01

  And enduring, exactly. And what I became aware of three years, four years ago was that in an interesting way, I was playing that pattern out with even part of my audience. It's like there was a part, a subconscious part of me that felt like I was trying to fix people. And it was kind of creating a certain relationship with the kind of work that I was doing where I had to relate to myself and realize that trying to get the approval or validation or to fix them was my unresolved family stuff as a kid that I was reflecting onto my work in the world. So that was where I looked even deeper at the mother, father, child dynamic.

• 38:53Speaker 01

  And that's where I became aware of a lot of these patterns and in a way had to heal that inner child part of myself that felt that way.

• 39:05Lewis Howes?

  What did the process of healing your inner child look like? And what was that experience like?

• 39:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was really, it was a very powerful experience.

• 39:16Speaker 01

  One thing that I did for it, I did a few things.

• 39:20Speaker 01

  One of them was a conversation I actually had with my best friend when we were doing some deep inner reflection on this. And there was a realization that the, that woman that I would attract into my life that I'd date, there was a lot of times a certain level of pressure that I would put for it to like work out in a certain way. And I could tell that it was almost like wanting it to work out was my way of avoiding the shame that there was something wrong with me. So it was a moment where I realized that it wasn't my fault if it didn't work out in certain relationships.

• 39:57Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, they just didn't work out. You didn't align, didn't have the same values or whatever, right?

• 40:00Speaker 01

  Yeah. And it wasn't my fault as a kid that mom's dad died.

• 40:05Lewis Howes?

  Ooh.

• 40:06Speaker 01

  So that was the deeper root. The most powerful thing I did though, is something called family constellation therapy. Have you ever heard of this?

• 40:14Lewis Howes?

  Tell me.

• 40:15Speaker 01

  Okay, this is gonna sound out there for some of the people that hear this for the first time, but it is very powerful.

• 40:20Lewis Howes?

  It's just like family tree stuff and like.

• 40:22Speaker 01

  Kind of, it's, it's, I, I had some recommendations from people that you have to try this family constellation thing. And I was like resistant to it for like a year and then finally I was like, okay, let me do this. And it's a German process. And the idea is that within your energy field is the patterns and the energy dynamics stored from your family line. So what.

• 40:46Lewis Howes?

  Generational traumas.

• 40:47Speaker 01

  Exactly. So what I did is I went to this family constellation therapy session that include, that includes a group of people where they know nothing about you. And I specifically chose someone that like, nobody there knew who I was. They knew nothing about me. And they were like, they were people that basically were going to act out the family dynamics in my family line without knowing anything about me, or in only knowing just the name of who that person was to me. So what happened is I do this family constellation therapy. I go over to this woman's house and there's five people there that volunteered to be a part of it, to like, help me, you know, basically become aware of this.

• 41:29Speaker 01

  And there's one person there that played my mom. There's one person there that played my mom's mom. There's one person there that played my mom's dad. And there's one person there that was a 70 year old man that played me. And they knew nothing about my family line. I know about my family, but like, you know, like, I know some stuff because I never really met my mom's mom and my mom's dad. I just know my mom ran away.

• 41:50Lewis Howes?

  They know nothing about.

• 41:51Speaker 01

  They know nothing.

• 41:51Lewis Howes?

  So they coming up with scenarios and you're watching or you're.

• 41:55Speaker 01

  I'm watching. I'm, I think generally people are a part of it.

• 41:58Lewis Howes?

  But you're watching.

• 41:59Speaker 01

  I'm watching.

• 42:00Lewis Howes?

  You're observing your family and putting yourself in the state that this is my parents and grandparents.

• 42:06Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 42:06Lewis Howes?

  Living their life.

• 42:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:08Lewis Howes?

  And I'm an observer of their life.

• 42:10Speaker 01

  They're just, they, basically what happens is this woman, she was the last one to get there. And what was interesting is she looked very similar to my mom. Because my mom, my mom passed away a few years ago.

• 42:20Lewis Howes?

  Oh, right to the heart.

• 42:21Speaker 01

  Yeah. And this woman that showed up looked, looked and reminded me of my mom. So it was, it was already kind of like a thing was like, oh, and she was one of the most experienced people that was a part of this. Apparently these people, they love to be of service of this kind of work.

• 42:32Lewis Howes?

  It's kind of like, I think they're kind of like actors in a sense.

• 42:35Speaker 01

  Kind of. It's, it's kind of like they pick up on the energy through the intention.

• 42:40Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 42:40Speaker 01

  And it sounds very esoteric, but it's, it's crazy what comes through.

• 42:44Lewis Howes?

  Powerful, yeah.

• 42:45Speaker 01

  So what happened was this woman, this one woman plays my mom, this other two people, my mom and my dad, and then someone played me. And the person that plays my mom, she goes and gets into state and she's just like seeing what comes up for her and she gets in and she starts like, kind of going inwards. And it was like, almost like I, I've seen that look on her face before.

• 43:07Lewis Howes?

  Your mom.

• 43:07Speaker 01

  Yeah. This person playing my mom. And she then got into a state where she was going inwards, really thinking and she was kind of in her own, in her own world. And then what happened is the man that was a 70 year old guy that was playing me, he comes over and he pulls on my mom's dress. And she like looks, but then she's just like in her process, continuing to go inwards. So then that person playing me kind of walks around for a minute and then she goes and does it again. And mom's still in her process. So then what he does.

• 43:37Lewis Howes?

  She's not engaging with you.

• 43:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:40Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 43:40Speaker 01

  Yeah. And then, and then what he did is he went, the, the 70 year old guy that was playing me, he went and just started playing with some stuff that was on the coffee table.

• 43:49Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. Entertaining himself somehow.

• 43:51Speaker 01

  Entertaining himself, exactly. And what then happened is the mom's mom and mom's dad, what was interesting there is there was a certain type of trauma that was in my, in my mom's life that was like a block between her and her dad. And it was something that my mom's mom kind of allowed to happen. And it was like this, this scenario where that kind of played out in a way. And my mom, the person playing my mom put like a blanket between them, the, the practitioner did, the facilitator did, and like that allowed my mom to feel more safe, but I'm witnessing it. But the powerful part of all of this was I was able to learn more about my patterns. And one of those

• 44:31Speaker 01

  patterns was that I had this pattern of overworking. And part of the connection was, because after this scenario, long story short, I learned more about certain patterns. The gentleman that played me said that one of the things he felt was, he felt like, screw it. If I'm not going to get mom's attention, I'm just going to be very busy. And I've had for, for years, I had this pattern of just overworking, just always being busy. And why focus on love or all of this other stuff when you could just be busy and that's more fun, right? Like you don't need anybody else. That's the hyper independent, self reliant part of me. And the other part of it though, so that was a part

• 45:12Speaker 01

  of the pattern that I became aware of. I think there was another healing that happened as well where I recognized that between my mom and my dad, you know, having the stepmom in my life from nine to 17, where my brother and I weren't allowed to really have friends, weren't allowed to go to, we had to earn going to school activities. We.

• 45:33Lewis Howes?

  From the stepmom.

• 45:34Speaker 01

  From the stepmom. Yeah. She had the power from then.

• 45:36Lewis Howes?

  Was your mom not in the picture at all?

• 45:38Speaker 01

  She wasn't allowed to be really because we'd get in trouble anytime we came back.

• 45:40Lewis Howes?

  So you couldn't see her that much?

• 45:42Speaker 01

  We didn't see her at all until I was 15 and my, 16 and my dad divorced her. So.

• 45:47Lewis Howes?

  Oh, a divorced stepmom.

• 45:48Speaker 01

  Yes. So my dad divorced.

• 45:49Lewis Howes?

  So you didn't see your mom for like.

• 45:50Speaker 01

  Nope.

• 45:51Lewis Howes?

  Five, six years?

• 45:51Speaker 01

  Nope. Yeah, apparently it was, it was weird.

• 45:54Lewis Howes?

  Is she in the same city or does she move or?

• 45:56Speaker 01

  No, my mom was here. She tried. But we, anytime we'd go over to our mom's house, we'd come back and we'd get in so much trouble that eventually it wasn't worth it. So we didn't have a relationship with my real mom until I was 16, 17 years old, the divorce happened, which was of course hard, you know, but there, there was a definitely an energy there where I was like, why did my dad allow my ex stepmom to have so much power, right?

• 46:20Lewis Howes?

  He, he was a people pleaser. He didn't have, he didn't have a boundary. He didn't, he didn't have to be authentic and say what he really wanted. She had some type of spell on him, whether it be sexually or chemically or whatever, right? Like.

• 46:32Speaker 01

  Yeah. And, and.

• 46:33Lewis Howes?

  He was trying to survive. He was trying to feel love and get through his emotions, probably.

• 46:37Speaker 01

  Yep. Yeah, that was all a part of it. And the healing for me was seeing that in this family constellation dynamic, the thing that was said between my mom's mom and my mom's dad, the reason my mom's mom allowed it to happen because, was because it kept the family together.

• 46:52Lewis Howes?

  Gosh.

• 46:53Speaker 01

  And that was very hard to see, but then I recognized that like, oh, my dad was just trying to keep the family together, even though there was pain and like, you know, and all of that. So.

• 47:04Lewis Howes?

  So many people, it's tough because I'm not a proponent for like, just get divorced if something's hard, right? It's like, all right, you're, there's a challenge in your life, like get divorced and that's how to solve it. I don't think that's it, but also my parents were, you know, the memories that I have are more that they were not happy than they were happy.

• 47:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:25Lewis Howes?

  And, and there was more dark times than there were positive. It doesn't mean there weren't also positive times, but.

• 47:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:31Lewis Howes?

  All I remember thinking about is I wish they were divorced.

• 47:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:33Lewis Howes?

  Constantly. Like, they should have got divorced years ago. It was just like this feeling like, uh, it doesn't feel emotionally safe.

• 47:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:41Lewis Howes?

  They didn't have the tools also, but, and when they finally got divorced, I was 16 and it was like, there was a sense of relief, but also like resentment that they didn't do it sooner. So I kind of like hated them both for a while.

• 47:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:52Lewis Howes?

  I'm mad at both of them. I was like, why'd you guys put us through all this crap?

• 47:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:56Lewis Howes?

  Trying to keep it together when we're all messed up now. You know what I mean?

• 47:59Speaker 01

  Yeah. It's funny how either side, because I, I used to.

• 48:02Lewis Howes?

  Can't win either way, right?

• 48:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think, I think for myself, I felt growing up, I had some friends that like had their same mom, same dad, like together. And I'd always feel a little bit like jealous of that. And then I remember talking to certain friends and they're like, trust me.

• 48:16Lewis Howes?

  It's not that great. Yeah, yeah.

• 48:17Speaker 01

  Sometimes it's not, you know, sometimes it is, but it was like, it's interesting because either side, you can see people can have like a trauma from that because either they, the divorce caused trauma or parents staying together caused trauma, you know, like either way, we're learning and learning to heal the unresolved stuff inside of ourself.

• 48:36Lewis Howes?

  Yes. Wow. So that, those experiences of you healing your child were an awakening for you.

• 48:42Speaker 01

  Yeah. So the, the, the final part I'll share with that family constellation thing that'll kind of put a cherry on top of it was what I did at the very end of that is she had me do something that like, it was kind of cheesy to do. But the woman that was playing my mom, I like.

• 48:58Lewis Howes?

  Embraced.

• 48:59Speaker 01

  Kind of like I laid on her, almost like lap, like on this floor. It was this kind of like, on the outside looking in, it was really cheesy to see. But in that moment, it was like there was, there was like cry, it was almost like connecting to an energy again of really being nurtured. She was like rubbing my hair and stuff. And it looked so cheesy from the outside looking in, but in the experience of it, there was like this sharp pain in my heart. Even though it was like an unconditionally loving experience, I recognize that that sharp pain in my heart was like the fear to be unconditionally loved.

• 49:34Lewis Howes?

  Oh.

• 49:35Speaker 01

  Because pain came with that in some way as a kid.

• 49:39Lewis Howes?

  Wow. Had you never felt unconditionally loved?

• 49:42Speaker 01

  I, I'd felt, I think that at times when that feeling would start to come up, it's like it would kind of get put to the side or something like that. Like I, I'd feel like even in my life at that moment, like I, I loved my life. I was doing what I love for a living. I had positive relationships in my life, but there was a certain level of surrender that I never allowed myself to really get to.

• 50:05Lewis Howes?

  You did in that moment.

• 50:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:06Lewis Howes?

  You surrendered then.

• 50:07Speaker 01

  And, and I'll say one other thing that this led to later that is the power of breathwork, was that years later I got certified in a breathwork process. And in a breathwork ceremony where I was, I was getting certified, there was a, a woman that was in front of me that was, that was basically releasing. And in that moment, it was like my, my trauma up until that moment was that I had trouble accessing sadness and crying. So like I have my best friend, he like can cry on a dime. He's got kids and I'm like, I wish I could cry that easily, you know? And I'm like, I, I feel like I only cry on certain movies. Like it was this thing where I'd recognize that like it was harder motion for me to tap into.

• 50:50Speaker 01

  And in this breathwork ceremony that I had to go through a few times to get certified in before I, I learned how to do the process, I start releasing on one of the breath, like the, the rounds of breathwork. And someone comes over to me and they say, one of the practitioners says, it's okay to feel. Say it's okay to feel, dog.

• 51:07Lewis Howes?

  And then you were like, ah.

• 51:09Speaker 01

  And then, and then I started to.

• 51:11Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 51:11Speaker 01

  And then I start hyperventilating and it's like, it's almost like I'm crying, but there are no tears.

• 51:16Lewis Howes?

  Oh, really?

• 51:16Speaker 01

  And then I was like, more shame.

• 51:18Lewis Howes?

  Cause I'm like, why can't I release this? What's wrong with me?

• 51:20Speaker 01

  Yeah. So then I'm like beating myself up. But then what happens is that woman that was diagonally in front of me, she starts to release a scream that I knew was connected to the same type of trauma that my, my mom had. And in that moment, I could feel the connection to my mom. My mom was alive at the time that I did this. Um, I could feel the connection to my mom. And then it just, I just started bawling. There were tears in my ears cause lying on the floor there. It was like I was drenched.

• 51:53Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 51:54Speaker 01

  And in that moment, there was a whole new level of emotional availability that came at my, that came up. And it was like my whole life transformed.

• 52:03Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 52:03Speaker 01

  I was in a relationship at the time. That relationship actually ended because of some things that happened, but it happened like literally within a day of this happening. It was an out of alignment relationship.

• 52:14Lewis Howes?

  It became clear. You're like, I'm not meant to force this anymore.

• 52:17Speaker 01

  Yep. And, and now, and now I was more emotionally present. I was more in tune with my emotions. But the, the lesson of it is that energy, that trauma wasn't even something I understood. And it may have not even been my own. It was connected, it may have been connected to a certain type of trauma that my mom had. And through, and that's why bottom up approaches are so powerful with healing, something like breathwork. Because you don't have to understand the pattern and the intellect and all of this stuff. You can just feel it, release it, and then you feel lighter. And then you'll, you, you carry yourself a different way. Because now there's not that unresolved trauma and energy inside of your body.

• 53:01Speaker 01

  There's not as much a need to attract people into your life to replay that dynamic to heal it. Because the truth is, we attract people into our life that are helping us play out the unresolved childhood energy.

• 53:14Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 53:14Speaker 01

  So if as a kid, you never were encouraged to be an individual in your own power, you will probably give your power away and attract people into your life that have strong frames of reality. They are trying to subconsciously get you to take your power back. And that is trying to resolve itself inside of you. So when people attract a narcissistic person or a controlling person, it's like, well, what is that person teaching you? Are they teaching you to say no and stand up for yourself?

• 53:43Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 53:43Speaker 01

  Are they teaching you that it's not your job to fix them? Are they teaching you that it's okay to be in your own frame? And even though they're really hard to please, maybe it's just helping you to say no.

• 53:53Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 53:54Speaker 01

  So it's like, there's always some energy to learn from the, the people that we surround ourselves with in our life. And the key is also taking the story back from it's them. Because a lot of times empaths or people that attract narcissists, it's, they get stuck in the story. Like I am an empath and I feel people's emotions and they are controlling narcissistic vampires. But that, that, not that that might not be true, but the key is like, okay, but that story, why might, it might give you payoffs that justify childhood. It'll keep you stuck unless you actually do something about it. That might mean seeing, hearing, soothing, nurture the inner child part of you

• 54:36Speaker 01

  that is trying to get validation and approval from that person.

• 54:40Lewis Howes?

  And give it to yourself.

• 54:41Speaker 01

  And give it to yourself. And that might mean standing up for yourself and developing a new relationship to tension.

• 54:46Lewis Howes?

  Ooh.

• 54:47Speaker 01

  So you're, the, the narcissistic controlling person is in your life to help you learn how to stand inside of yourself and to not need to engage with that energy. And that's a perfect mirror for someone that's learning, for someone that's helped you to learn how to stand up for yourself. Now it doesn't mean you need to stay in it.

• 55:04Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 55:04Speaker 01

  And to stay in some abusive relationship by any means. But to take ownership of the pattern and recognize that when there's red flags there, there's something that normally the healthy part of you would see that would say no, but you see it and you tolerate it. And the reason you might tolerate it is because it feels familiar in childhood. And subconsciously you're hoping to get something from it that can close the loop from childhood.

• 55:29Lewis Howes?

  You're hoping to fix it or something else, right?

• 55:31Speaker 01

  Yeah. Fix it. You're the only, it's also codependency sometimes. Cause who else is gonna be so present for the narcissistic controlling person? You know, so like they'll need you and it just, that, that pattern just might feel familiar.

• 55:43Lewis Howes?

  Dr. Tara Swart has said on the show that we attract people based on the psychological wounds that we had at childhood.

• 55:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:51Lewis Howes?

  Kind of said something similar there.

• 55:52Speaker 01

  100%. I agree with that.

• 55:54Lewis Howes?

  Who do we start to attract in our life? Once we remember that we are whole and complete and heal the wounds of our childhood?

• 56:03Speaker 01

  You normally, normally the first thing that will happen is certain relationships in your life will start to reform. Because the people pleaser part of you or the self, the self independent, self reliant part of you, all of a sudden you relate to yourself differently now. And now it's like a whole new world. So you'll find yourself redefining your relationships in your life first. And that can come with a little bit of fear because then you'll be afraid that you're gonna lose the people that are already in your life. So normally for a while, it's kind of like, it's kind of like a murky area where you kind of go back and forth. Because um, you still for a while might attract an echo of the past.

• 56:47Speaker 01

  And maybe when you attract.

• 56:49Lewis Howes?

  It's like a test.

• 56:50Speaker 01

  It, it can be like a test and you then have the choice. Whereas before you let the controlling person in and then you were in a two year relationship. Maybe now, instead of seeing the person come in and then instead of saying yes, you say, oh, actually I'm aware of that pattern. And you say, I'm not going to, I'm not gonna keep, this is a red flag, not a red rose. So then you say no to it. So it's like you catch yourself instead of beating up the story and being like, see, I'm still attracting the old. Um, part of the thing I'll say too, that will really help is, I remember when I went through my spiritual awakening back in the day in 2012, it completely changed my life and it changed a lot of the way I related to myself. For a while, I felt like people didn't really understand me.

• 57:34Speaker 01

  And because of that, I developed a belief that I'm alone in this journey. And my friends, you know, you think that your friends are gonna be on board or they're gonna be super into what you're into.

• 57:45Lewis Howes?

  They're not, cause you're like killing off the person they once knew.

• 57:48Speaker 01

  Yeah. 100%. Yep. And, and so what happens is.

• 57:52Lewis Howes?

  It can be scary too.

• 57:53Speaker 01

  Cause you feel like you're losing people in your life, but then you might develop a belief that like, there's not a lot of people out there like me. And what I had to become aware of were my beliefs about people. My beliefs about whether there are people out there like me. And what I had to instead focus on is focus on being the most authentic me. And if there's fear or doubt or imposter syndrome, having the fear to break through that, to become the version of me that I've become, where I'm, you know, running live events or making videos, et cetera, from that nine to five job that I had. There was a shift in identity that I had to, that I had to have. And becoming that person then became the beacon for the new people to come into my life.

• 58:37Speaker 01

  So what I recommend to a lot of people that are breaking their patterns is focus on being that version of you, enjoying the process, but also allowing something greater than you to flow through. Allowing God to flow through you. I believe that every one of us.

• 58:55Lewis Howes?

  Let's go.

• 58:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:56Lewis Howes?

  Let's go.

• 58:58Speaker 01

  I believe, I believe that we're all vessels of the divine. And it's why it feels good to add value to people. It's why it feels good to, to, to help people, not maybe from a codependent place, but from a place of like adding value. And I believe that when we're trying to manage, like who comes into our life and when, it's kind of like we're stealing some of the show from God in a way. It's like God wants to flow through, wants to bring things to us, but it depends on how much we can become a vessel for an energy that's greater than ourselves. And any, the more we can remember that our goal is to get into a flow state,

• 59:39Speaker 01

  our goal is to follow our passion, our goal is to have fun, our follow, our, our goal is to like follow that energy. You then realize that all this other stuff is egoic mind stuff that's trying to manage from survival mode. And one of the things to realize is even thinking itself may be a form of survival. Like thinking, when you are present to the moment, like I know you, you know, you think of Kobe Bryant, right? The great, one of the greatest to ever do it.

• 1:00:07Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:07Speaker 01

  When he's in a game winning moment and he's making a shot, do you think there's any thought going through his mind whatsoever?

• 1:00:16Lewis Howes?

  No, he's just trying to score.

• 1:00:17Speaker 01

  He's present to the moment. He's present to the moment and it's like, it's an energy you kind of surrender to. So when you think of anything that you've done, you know, you know, when you're speaking on stage in front of like thousands of people, when you make it about them and you're okay if you mess up or you say ah or ah, because you know you're being authentic and it's not about you, it's about them, something greater flows through. So it's about remembering also the analogy similar, can you make a plant grow? And when you really think about that, when you think of people, it's like, well, I can manifest, I can manifest a plant to grow faster. It's like, well, you can set up the conditions for the plant to grow. You can put it in the sun, you can water it, but what makes the plant actually grow?

• 1:01:03Speaker 01

  God does that. It's natural intelligence does that. And the challenge in manifestation, I think for many of us that learn, it's almost like there's a certain stage of awareness you get to when you learn that there's a correlation between what you think and what you experience. And that's when it's the empowerment phase, right? It's like, I'm going to create my own reality. I'm going to think it. I'm going to feel it and I'm going to take action and then I'm going to experience it. Which it's like, it's going to be the known because I know it inside of myself and then I know it because I see it outside of myself. So it's like the known, the known, the known. I have safety because I'm the one that did it. But a deeper element than even that is realizing that in the unknown is where God is.

• 1:01:46Speaker 01

  In the unknown is where things that are even beyond what your ego can imagine. And the ego wants to do that. A lot of times I believe when we think about the people that get into manifestation, a lot of it might be also that in childhood, it didn't feel safe to be playing in the sandbox. It didn't feel safe to just be. So instead, trauma, something happened in the external, who do I need to be? All the stuff we've been talking about, right? But then it becomes a very sexy idea that I can think about what I want, I can feel what I want, and then I can experience what I want. It's a certain level, I believe that's very powerful, but I believe there's a level above that. And that that level above that is divine surrender.

• 1:02:29Lewis Howes?

  My friend, I hope you're enjoying this episode. And the School of Greatness drops new conversations every Monday, Wednesday and Friday around money, mindset, healing, manifestation and relationships. And if you're not yet following the show, then you're missing all of them. Please tap the follow button right now and you'll get notified the moment every new episode drops because the next one might be exactly what you need. Now let's get back to the conversation. What is the old way of manifestation versus the divine surrender way of manifestation?

• 1:03:03Speaker 01

  It's focusing on not giving the ego the credit for what's created. For recognizing that what the mind can do is the mind is a tool that can get you to visualize. The purpose of visualization is that when you visualize, you can feel it before it happens. It's a tool, but what you visualize many times will be a limit. The ceiling of your ego's best visualization is the floor to your higher mind. So when you think about it.

• 1:03:37Lewis Howes?

  Interesting. Let me say that one more time.

• 1:03:39Speaker 01

  The ceiling to your ego's best case scenario and visualization.

• 1:03:44Lewis Howes?

  Your dream life.

• 1:03:45Speaker 01

  Yeah. It's the floor to your higher mind. So it's the floor.

• 1:03:50Lewis Howes?

  What's available at the floor and above of your higher mind?

• 1:03:54Speaker 01

  God, the unknown, surrendering to something greater than you. And when you focus instead on that energy, that's when you're really more free because you're not in the survival trying to manage things. Like this level, I call it like, I call it the awakening after the awakening. So I call it the second awakening is what I call it. The first awakening, so think about it like this. There's people that have a spiritual awakening. You become aware that you're an eternal spiritual being, living a temporary human experience. You become aware that you, there's a correlation between what you think, what you experience, the actions you take. It's all exciting, right? So you start creating your own reality.

• 1:04:33Lewis Howes?

  You become aware of your own awareness.

• 1:04:35Speaker 01

  Yes. And you, and you're aware that like you want to direct it because you don't want to be at the victim of everything.

• 1:04:40Lewis Howes?

  You don't want to be responding to things. You want to be.

• 1:04:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:04:43Lewis Howes?

  Directing it and I guess you don't want to be reacting, you want to be responding.

• 1:04:46Speaker 01

  Here's the thing, the pattern many times is what people manifest from. So think about this, a people pleaser wants to, has a people pleasing pattern, right? They're not a people pleaser, but they have a pattern of people pleasing.

• 1:05:00Lewis Howes?

  They've experienced a pattern of this.

• 1:05:01Speaker 01

  Yes. And they may want to manifest a big following on social media. They may want to help a lot of people, X, Y, Z. The thing is, is all well and good. Their mind can think about it, their mind can feel it, their mind can try to experience it. It's still the pattern trying to mitigate the nervous system from the pattern. And the thing is, is you can't actually change the pattern from the level of the pattern. So for example, let's imagine you have a judgmental part of yourself and you become aware of it. And you're like, oh, this judgmental part of me, I'm probably this way because my parents were highly criticizing as a kid. So now I judge myself. What is the first thing you do when you talk to that part of yourself?

• 1:05:44Lewis Howes?

  Judge it.

• 1:05:45Speaker 01

  Exactly. So you judge it and then, and then, so the key many times for this layer of healing is you actually learn to accept the judge. You actually learn to accept the people pleaser. You accept and you recognize that these, this, this part of you got you to where you are now.

• 1:06:03Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:06:03Speaker 01

  And that creates a lot more peace inside of yourself because no longer are you at war with yourself.

• 1:06:09Lewis Howes?

  You don't have to beat yourself up for the years of living this way.

• 1:06:12Speaker 01

  Exactly. So then in this second layer of I create my own reality and I'm going to manifest and I'm going to.

• 1:06:19Lewis Howes?

  The first level of awakening.

• 1:06:20Speaker 01

  It's the first level.

• 1:06:21Lewis Howes?

  And then the second level.

• 1:06:23Speaker 01

  The second level is where it's on the other side of the pattern, where there's a more heavy focus on becoming the love, becoming the truth. This is more like, if you think about it, think of codependency, independency, interdependency. So codependency is like, I'm an empath that can feel other people's energies and I'm trying to play this out with a controlling person. Like that's like, we're, you're the problem. It's a lot of codependent energy. Then you get into a level of independence. This is more self reliance. I don't need no man or woman. I do it myself. I'm a create success. I don't need anybody else. Very empowering place to be.

• 1:07:03Speaker 01

  It's where a lot of self-development lives as well. It's like, I'm going to create and I'm going to like direct my life so that I'm not a, a leaf in the, I'm not a leaf in the wind. I'm uh, like I have an influence. This challenge is at this level, it's that you can get stuck here because it's still coming from the level of the ego.

• 1:07:24Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:07:25Speaker 01

  And you're still trying to attain something to get somewhere you aren't currently right now.

• 1:07:29Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, there's, you're detached from a result that you want.

• 1:07:33Speaker 01

  And it's not here. So like.

• 1:07:34Lewis Howes?

  Not here now.

• 1:07:35Speaker 01

  Exactly. And that's the major thing with, with, with manifestation in general is it's like, this moment's not okay right here, but if I can visualize it and feel it, then I'll experience it over there and I gotta feel it now. So it's this whole, almost like agenda to get somewhere where you're not already.

• 1:07:50Lewis Howes?

  To accomplish something or have something you don't have.

• 1:07:52Speaker 01

  Exactly. And the level above this that I'm alluding to is when you learn to fall in love with the process. When you learn to have fun in the process, when you learn that you can become the version of you that is in love with life, the version of you that's committed to truth. When you recognize that everybody around you is a reflection of your relationship to self. It's when you focus on becoming and embodying that God energy that we're all connected to. And when we begin to tap into that level of presence, we don't need to have the vision board and to do all of these things from the level of the ego.

• 1:08:34Speaker 01

  I'd say like, think of thinking is like a survival mechanism thing. When you're present to the moment, you're not thinking. So when you're present to the moment and you're in the flow, it's more fun. You're more magnetic. You don't have an agenda and the energy of not having an agenda is extraordinarily magnetic.

• 1:08:55Lewis Howes?

  What if you have a goal still in your life? What if you do have an agenda because you're like, well, I want to make money and I want to get a home and I want to, you know, accomplish this goal that I have. How do you detach from the, the, the direction you want to go towards your life?

• 1:09:11Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 1:09:11Lewis Howes?

  Rather than just being a leaf in the wind that take me wherever you want to. Okay. I have a clear vision of what I still want to have for myself. But how do I be detached from forcing it and allowing it or potentially something greater?

• 1:09:25Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah, it's a great question. And the, the way that I relate to this is in a quick little story I'll share. Where I learned a lot back when I first was learning about the law of attraction and surrender and all this stuff was when I had my nine to five job selling women's shoes at Barney's New York in Vegas. And every day I went in and it was a commission based job and you started at zero. And when I'd go in every day, I could see the difference between having a very concrete goal and having like an intention for the day and then going into work and then helping customers. I could see what results that got me. Versus a different energy. So I'll explain the two energies. One energy is I go into work to sell shoes.

• 1:10:07Speaker 01

  And when I get there, I want to sell $4,000 worth of shoes today because that means I made $400 and that was a decent day. Right? Every customer I help is a means to my end. I am helping them because they are going to help me make my goal. So if I have a customer, I don't think it's going to buy. I get kind of antsy and I'm like, and then I'm only greeting certain customers I think might want to buy. So it's like this whole thing that's like I'm trying to control. And what I'd recognize, those days weren't so fun. There was an attachment to outcome and I would not have the best days and it felt like, it felt like force. Then what I would do is I tested it and instead I would go into work with the intention of having fun.

• 1:10:51Lewis Howes?

  Just that's it. How do I have the most fun?

• 1:10:53Speaker 01

  How do I have more fun than anyone else? How do I show my personality? I'm helping these people, like back in the day, it was like these people were like super rich and here I am selling shoes. There's, put them on a pedestal, right? I'm like, no, I'm going to show my personality. I'm going to have fun and I'm going to add value. In the background, I'm like, it'd be cool to sell that much amount, but I'm gonna, I'm not going to have that. I'm just going to have fun with it. So I would go into work and I would add value. I would have fun. I'd have the courage to like, show them other things that maybe they didn't ask for, that I thought they would genuinely like. And those were the best days. And what I learned from that is it's not just the goal that you have, it's the way in which you go about achieving that goal that makes the difference. It's the energy under the surface.

• 1:11:38Speaker 01

  So I'll also give you one more quick example. I run live events now. When I'm running a live event.

• 1:11:46Speaker 01

  The way that I create content nowadays is like a mix of stuff like this, stuff like running live events, etc. If I go in to run a live event and my purpose of that live event is I want to get some epic content for social media. Doesn't work. It's not, it's not great content and it takes my attention away from what it should really be there to do. When I go into a live event and my sole focus is on having fun and helping people transform. All of that comes anyways. But I can feel in my body, the difference between doing it to have fun and doing it to get a specific result. And you could say even the transformation is a result. But the transformation of the customer is a win-win because they also want that.

• 1:12:30Speaker 01

  Whereas if I'm trying to sell you shoes and I want you to buy the shoes that might not be best for you, but I then make my paycheck, that's a win-lose. A win-win is when you become a vessel for something greater than you. So I was telling you before we started this podcast, the live events I run, I'll go eight hours a day speaking sometimes, three days in a row with hot seat coaching. And it's something that just in the present moment, it happens. It's energy flows through. It's very hard to explain. And, but it's, it's because you can become a vessel to something greater than yourself. And I, I've done it before where I have an agenda of the things I want to talk about and that makes it to where it's very muddied up.

• 1:13:10Speaker 01

  You know, um, it's, it's more so about the present moment, having fun, falling in love with the process. Realizing that this is where the goal is. And the more you can enjoy the present moment, have fun, yes, you can still have the goals in the background, but you focus on your connection to the divine and letting something greater than you flow through. That's where you'll be surprised and it won't come from giving the credit to the ego to say, I manifested this. I view my YouTube channel as a gift. It is a gift that like the, what I've been able to grow in my life is a gift that has come from being a vessel to something greater than myself. And I try my best. I still have a shadow. I still have things I become aware of inside of myself, but I do my best not to let myself be the one that thinks

• 1:13:54Speaker 01

  I did all of this. Because then that comes with the notion of if things do go well or don't go well, it comes with the other side of that. But also it comes from, I believe, like a misconstrued perspective of like what's really going on with what makes the plant grow. And as long as I'm willing to become a vessel and everyone here, you don't have to be on YouTube or be doing the kind of work that we're doing to do that. You can get into a flow state doing anything.

• 1:14:21Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:14:21Speaker 01

  And by being present to the moment and caring about other people. You can do it in that nine to five job I had. I was able to do that at times where I really popped into that flow state. And the people that were the top salespeople that I worked with that did it for 20 years, they loved it.

• 1:14:35Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:14:35Speaker 01

  They were in a flow state. It was their life. And then the other people that didn't like being there, they didn't do as well. Like, that's, that's something I always tune myself more to, uh, more to now, but that divine surrender is where I've had to become aware that the level under it can be somewhat of a level of grandiosity under the surface if unchecked. Because it's like, I imagined it, I visualized it, I experienced it because I created the safety. But it's really safety of creating the familiar from the level of the pattern. And when you go beyond the pattern and you get into the present moment, that's when the divine can run through.

• 1:15:12Speaker 01

  So now in my own life, it's like running, I'm, it doesn't make sense. Some of the things I'm really leaning into my life because I've created so much success off just YouTube. But it's like that energy of running live events, of doing the things I'm passionate about is the energy of when I'm in, other things happen. Like podcasts like this, other things come into my awareness when I'm in that energy. And it's very interesting. Because it's like, it's a different way to look at it. Instead of how do I get these things? How do I get in that energy? How do I find flow? How do I fall in love with the process? How do I follow my purpose and my passion? How do I become more vulnerable and expressive? And these are things that I think stem into more love and connection and all of that.

• 1:15:56Lewis Howes?

  So if you're getting ready for an event or a project or a meeting or something, or you're hosting an event, what is the process for you to get out of your head and into divine flow? Is it the day before? Is it an hour before? Is it a moment for you on stage or have the meeting or whatever it might be like?

• 1:16:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:16:15Lewis Howes?

  Is there something you think? Is it something you let go of? Is there something that, is it a breath technique? What is the process?

• 1:16:20Speaker 01

  For me, the process is being present with whatever comes up. So if nerves come up to welcome those nerves. And what I found is through the repetition of running live events, the very beginning, when I first started running live events, there were a lot of nerves. Then I did it more and more and then I did, I, I did so many that it was like, there was less nerves. Then I started doing hot seat coaching at live events where I coached people in front of a group and like, you don't know where it's going to go. Same thing, nerves would come up. I'd focus on recognizing that one of the reasons the nerves are coming up is simply because that energy is unfamiliar. And recognizing that the more repetitions I put in, the more comfortable I get with the energy.

• 1:17:03Speaker 01

  So I actually embraced the emotion, knowing that one day those nerves won't be there. Like I'm at a stage now where I ran an event a couple of weeks ago. And it was weird because I'm like, there were zero, like zero nerves going on stage at all. And, and I'm sure there will be, maybe it's like, if there were more people in the crowd, maybe the nerves would come back. Like, who knows? But I, I recognize that like, oh, the nerves are a good thing. The nerves are a sign that say you're making this new version of you more familiar. So you're, it's, it's a good sign. It's not a bad thing. So instead of a survival mechanism of I need to get the nerves to go away, how can you be more present with the nerves?

• 1:17:45Speaker 01

  And what I've learned is especially when in a live event, if I can slow things down and be present and have more silences when I'm speaking, it's so much more powerful. And through that energy is where the aliveness, the presence flows. And that, that's been a game changer. So I have these tools where I know that if I wanna shift the energy of a room at all, I just have to slow down, be more present with what I'm feeling.

• 1:18:13Lewis Howes?

  Pause, yeah.

• 1:18:14Speaker 01

  Pause, accept the emotions. Um, but recognizing the nerves, it's like, it's the, it's the ego's mind's way of trying to manage the situation. And I acknowledge that part of myself. And then recognize that like one day, I'll probably miss that. Because eventually, you, I'm sure the first time you were doing this podcast, there were nerves before certain guests that come on.

• 1:18:35Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:36Speaker 01

  Now you've, you've put in so many reps, that's probably kinda like what it's like, it's more normal, you know?

• 1:18:40Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:41Speaker 01

  Um, so yeah, so it's like I have a similar type, way I relate to it.

• 1:18:45Lewis Howes?

  There's something you said earlier about this rescue energy that sometimes people might have. Like they're trying to rescue people. Where does this desire to fix or rescue another human being typically in romantic relationships come from? Is it all stemmed from a behavior that they witnessed? That they're now modeling? Or is it from the need to fix apparent wounds?

• 1:19:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:19:11Lewis Howes?

  In an adult relationship?

• 1:19:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, that's, that's very spot on. Um, when you think of the rescuer dynamic, think of it like-

• 1:19:19Lewis Howes?

  The victim and the rescuer, right?

• 1:19:21Speaker 01

  Yes, the victim, the rescuer and the perpetrator, the triangle. So what happens is the rescuer, it feels safer, it feels safer to be in the rescuer dynamic to be, than to be in the victim dynamic. So as a rescuer dynamic as a kid, you may have been trying to rescue mom and dad or your siblings. And you may have been trying to fix them. And part of that was, that was what you believed your role was. So it may be coming from a past childhood energy where subconsciously, if I can fix mom and dad, I will then be whole and complete. So as an adult-

• 1:19:58Lewis Howes?

  Or I'll be safe.

• 1:19:59Speaker 01

  Or I'll be safe.

• 1:20:00Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:20:00Speaker 01

  And as an adult now, that may be a pattern that's familiar. And then you're trying to fix your partner. Because if you could fix them, help them, whatever, then you can feel good about yourself. And rescuers were either, were either attract a perpetrator or a victim normally. And, and here's the thing, when rescuers stop being a rescuer and they get more centered inside of themselves, they then will start to look like a perpetrator to the, the victim. Because they're no longer saving them.

• 1:20:30Lewis Howes?

  Right, that's so interesting.

• 1:20:32Speaker 01

  And that, the rescuer normally had a perpetrator in their life, that dynamic when they were growing up. For me, it was an ex-stepmom energy. And it was like, I don't wanna be anything like her. And I, as a kid, had to please in order to feel safe. I don't wanna be like her and she had a lot of anger, so I don't want any of that. So I'm instead gonna be the rescuer.

• 1:20:53Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:20:54Speaker 01

  So I had to, years ago, moving into this energy, I had to be okay with being seen as the bad guy. Because certain people, that normally I would fix their situations, I would give them money, I would do whatever. All of a sudden, I am now more of a, of a perpetrator in that eye. And you don't wanna be a perpetrator when you experience that growing up.

• 1:21:15Lewis Howes?

  No.

• 1:21:16Speaker 01

  The thing is-

• 1:21:16Lewis Howes?

  You feel bad-

• 1:21:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:21:18Lewis Howes?

  In the beginning.

• 1:21:19Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 1:21:19Lewis Howes?

  And you almost revert back to like, okay, but then it just, you get beaten down over and over again, man, it's exhausting.

• 1:21:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, it is. And, and that's why moving into the center of the triangle, you don't move, you, you will be perceived as a perpetrator, but you're not. You will, you instead are being authentic.

• 1:21:38Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:21:38Speaker 01

  You are standing your frame, your ground.

• 1:21:40Lewis Howes?

  Creating boundaries, yes.

• 1:21:41Speaker 01

  Creating boundaries, not fixing other people, that's not a perpetrator. That's, that's you being centered in an individualized human being.

• 1:21:49Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:21:50Speaker 01

  And that's a lot of times, I think what's missing is like being able to move into these dynamics, is you have to be okay with being misunderstood. You have to be okay with rerouting certain dynamics. And you have to be okay with understanding that it's gonna feel unfamiliar for a while.

• 1:22:05Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:22:06Speaker 01

  You're gonna have to sit with tension as they feel tension. You're gonna have to be seen as a certain way.

• 1:22:10Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 1:22:11Speaker 01

  But that tension is your initiation into the you that is an integrated human being and without the pattern.

• 1:22:19Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:22:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:22:21Lewis Howes?

  If someone is stuck in the vibration of waiting, Hmm. what's the first thing they should be doing to get started to achieving their goals?

• 1:22:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, the vibration of waiting is what a lot of people do when we're also manifesting. Right? Cause I'm gonna manifest it, think about it, and then I'm gonna experience it, but it's waiting, it's waiting.

• 1:22:41Lewis Howes?

  Being patient, yeah, you gotta be patient sometimes.

• 1:22:43Speaker 01

  Yeah. And what I say-

• 1:22:45Lewis Howes?

  And then they're like, when's this gonna happen though? I'm experiencing it, why isn't it happening faster, right?

• 1:22:49Speaker 01

  Right, which is taking score, which is trying to, once again, the manifestation itself is a mechanism to get somewhere else. So the vibration of waiting-

• 1:22:58Lewis Howes?

  Something that you're separate from.

• 1:23:00Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:23:00Lewis Howes?

  You don't have yet.

• 1:23:01Speaker 01

  Exactly. So the vibration of waiting and the vibration of being are two different vibrations. They're two different energies. The vibration of wanting is also similar to the, the energy of waiting. Cause if you're waiting, you're wanting. And when you want, you say I energetically lack.

• 1:23:19Lewis Howes?

  I don't have.

• 1:23:20Speaker 01

  I don't have. And if you want it, you might want it because you believe if you have it, it will complete a part of you. Very often, people will be maybe going through a breakup. And they'll say, when am I gonna attract this person or why isn't this person coming back? And what it's, the, the belief is if I have them back, then I'll feel different inside of my body.

• 1:23:42Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:43Speaker 01

  So often when people say they want to attract a specific person to their life, what they're subconsciously doing is they're trying to attract a specific pattern into their life. And that's where things get mixed up, because that person is represented of a pattern. And if there's an unresolved pattern from the past, you're trying to pull it back.

• 1:24:03Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 1:24:03Speaker 01

  So the waiting energy and the wanting energy is an energy and a way of trying to manipulate reality to be different, so that you feel different on the inside. So instead, focus on being the version of you that is that passionate version of you. Focus on being it because it's who you choose to be, not cause of what it'll get you. That's the difference. So being in that energy shifts everything. Back in 2017, before I got on YouTube, I changed my self-image. I realized I was being a nine to five jobgoer. I would think thoughts equal to that reality, I would feel emotions equal to that reality, we would talk about how slow it was.

• 1:24:47Speaker 01

  Everything was in, I, when people say they're out of alignment, that's never true. You're always in alignment with something. You just might be in alignment with a part of you you don't prefer to actually be in. So it kinda redefines it. So back in 2017, I was in alignment with the nine to five job I hated. I was waiting and I wanted so bad to be a YouTuber, to, uh, not be working a nine to five job I hated, dealing with corporate politics. And one of the things I recognized is part of my self-image was that I am a nine to five jobgoer. That was part of my self-image. And even then, it was slowly, shortly after I read the book Psycho-Cybernetics, which I know you've probably heard of.

• 1:25:30Speaker 01

  And our, our internal self-image is very powerful.

• 1:25:33Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:25:34Speaker 01

  I recognized that my self-image was that I work a nine to five sales job selling women's shoes. And what I recognized is that I realized I saw myself as a mediocre sales employee. I was always right in the middle of the list. Cause you'd get every day, the people, sales from the last day. I was always right in the middle, I was never the bottom, I was never, always at the top. And what I realized is that my self-image is that I'm an average sales employee. So eventually what I did is I started to see myself as a top sales employee. I started to be a top sales employee. This meant actually greeting every customer, not trying to select which customers were best. Profiling, they called it, trying to, just people you think would buy, a lot of people I worked with would do that. I was like, I'm not gonna do that.

• 1:26:19Speaker 01

  I'm gonna greet every customer, I'm gonna go above and beyond. I recognized that like, I, that version of me would bring, had the courage to show them other things they didn't ask for. That version of me had fun with them. That version of me, even after they bought, I would tissue over the box in a certain way and walk it around to them, just that little bit extra was a part of this new identity. Within days, consistently, I was at the top of that list. Then, years later, I learned about that and I was like, well, I wanna be on YouTube, I don't wanna be in this nine to five job at all. So I started to be that full-time version of me on YouTube. And I realized, for a long time, I was waiting. You wanna know what I was waiting for? You'll think it's funny.

• 1:26:57Lewis Howes?

  What?

• 1:26:58Speaker 01

  I was waiting for someone to tell me to go for it.

• 1:27:00Lewis Howes?

  Hmm, my gosh.

• 1:27:01Speaker 01

  I had this, I had this belief that what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna meet Tony Robbins.

• 1:27:07Lewis Howes?

  He's gonna say, you should do this.

• 1:27:08Speaker 01

  Exactly. So I was gonna help, cause I helped people at Barney's New York and Women's Shoes. So I'm like, I, they're gonna help me, I'm gonna help them one day. And he's gonna see all this potential in me and just say, Erin, you've got all this potential in you, go for it. And I'm gonna say, okay, Tony, I'm gonna go for it, cause I always looked up to him, you know? So that was what I was waiting for. Funny enough, I ended up helping Sage and, um, their assistant one day, like years, like, uh, like months before I went full-time. But it was, when that was happening, I was like, is it gonna happen? Is something gonna happen?

• 1:27:37Lewis Howes?

  Are they gonna say, see something in me and say this?

• 1:27:39Speaker 01

  Exactly. And I helped them, it was a very, it was a beautiful interaction, she was, they're really cool. But I didn't get invited to Tony's house.

• 1:27:47Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:27:47Speaker 01

  You know what I mean? And that was the kind of like entitled manifestation energy that I had, where I was just trying to think it and visualize it and experience it without taking the action. So for me, eventually, there was a moment where I decided, I'm gonna go daily on YouTube.

• 1:28:05Speaker 01

  Until I have like until until I'm full time. In January of 2017, I was living at my dad's house. And I had this idea, literally felt like an idea from the divine or something. It said, I was in the hallway at my dad's house and it said, if you make a video a day for a year, your life will transform. So I started making daily videos. And at first it was hard. I'm working a nine to five job at the same time. I was busy. Within two or three weeks, things started to grow. Within six months, I had a hundred thousand followers.

• 1:28:35Lewis Howes?

  Six months.

• 1:28:36Speaker 01

  Six months. And then my last day ever was the Conor McGregor Mayweather fight.

• 1:28:41Lewis Howes?

  In Vegas?

• 1:28:41Speaker 01

  In Vegas. I lived in Vegas. I knew it would be busy that day. So what I did is I scheduled two weeks before that. I requested to open on that day so I could still watch the fight because I wanted to watch it. And that was my last day of ever having a nine to five job.

• 1:28:53Lewis Howes?

  So 2017?

• 1:28:54Speaker 01

  2017.

• 1:28:55Lewis Howes?

  What day was that? Like what month?

• 1:28:56Speaker 01

  August. It was like August 18th or something. It was in August. And that was my last, I put in my two weeks, two weeks before that. Went to my friend's house, sold, made a whole bunch of money in commission that day, went home.

• 1:29:06Lewis Howes?

  Had your best day ever.

• 1:29:07Speaker 01

  It was the best day ever. It was one of the biggest, like, you know, I've been blessed to like be very abundant over the last like 10 years I've been doing this. The biggest shift in frequency I've ever experienced is when I went from working a nine to five job I didn't really care for, to doing what I love full time. Even though doing what I love full time for that first year.

• 1:29:25Lewis Howes?

  Wasn't making a lot.

• 1:29:25Speaker 01

  No, I may have made 60K a year or something my first year. But I was doing, I bought my time back, you know? But the shift for me was I started to be a YouTuber. And even when I was starting to grow, it wasn't like, I have to get out of this nine to five job and I have to like escape. And it wasn't the energy of that. It was like, I was just excited to be making videos. I was passionate about it. I would learn from every video I made, how to get better. And then it got to a place to where it just kept growing. Put in my two weeks. And then I learned, you know, I learned everything, you know, a lot of the stuff that I know now as far as like business side of things, live events, all that grew over, you know, the years. But yeah, it was, um, there was an identity shift. And there was a making a choice to be it.

• 1:30:10Speaker 01

  Not because the being will escape where I'm at, but being it because this is who I choose to be. And that was the energy that changed everything.

• 1:30:19Lewis Howes?

  It sounds like a lot of the things that are holding people back are the attachments they have around their self-identity.

• 1:30:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:30:29Lewis Howes?

  And the nervous system that they have that's connected to that identity.

• 1:30:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:30:34Lewis Howes?

  So what needs to change first in order for someone to have a breakthrough? Is it their self-image and identity? Or is it the healing of the nervous system in order for you to have the energy that feels safe enough to go for it?

• 1:30:48Speaker 01

  Yeah. You know, what's interesting about this is either way can work. There's the top-down approach and there's the bottom-up approach. The top-down approach is where you become aware of your patterns. You become aware of your pattern. You become aware of your identity. Asking yourself this one question that we talked about a few times. Who did you have to be as a kid to receive mom and dad's love? Is so enlightening because that will show you what pattern has been underneath the surface. That gets to the root of the mother, father, child stuff. And what I have seen transform thousands of people's lives at live events and coaching and everything is by more than anything else.

• 1:31:32Speaker 01

  It's looking at that mother, father, child dynamic. Who, and think about it like this, mother, father, child. The end, the way in which you relate to mom is the way in which you relate to feminine energy. It's the way in which you relate to relationships because feminine energy is relational by nature and your mom's your first relationship. So that's your relationship to relationships. And your relationship to feminine energy and creativity. Your relationship to your dad is representative of your relationship to self. Your relationship to purpose. Your relationship to boundaries. Your relationship to, um, like your, your, your abundance in your life.

• 1:32:11Speaker 01

  And what happens is these, the mom issues, mommy issues, or like mother wounds and father wounds, will relate to these different areas of your life as well. So what happens is then you are at the center, your inner child. So child, so your relationship to mom is relationships, your relationship to your dad is abundance. Their relationship to each other became a template for how you relate to relationships as well.

• 1:32:36Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 1:32:37Speaker 01

  So whether relationship worked out, whether they had to repress energy, who they had to be. Normally you might've had an avoidant and anxious like parent in, in different ways that balanced one way or the other. But looking at these dynamics can be so, so enlightening because who you had to be is the pattern that subconscious, that's keeping you trapped. It's keeping you trapped in unfulfilled, non-reciprocal relationships. It's keeping you trapped in dynamics you don't prefer. It's keeping scarcity in your life. And the more you can work on the mother, father, child dynamic, the more your life will begin to ravel in a powerful way.

• 1:33:14Speaker 01

  Now, the breathwork side of it is something that as you do, you can begin to release the energy that's stored inside of the body. And for that, breathwork is so powerful because you don't have to necessarily understand every little trauma that came up. You can just feel it, let it be there and express it out. And that's why expression is so powerful. When you're even thinking of everything that we just talked about, if people want to get like a practical way of breaking their patterns, right? You think of, um, awareness is a powerful part of it. The other aspect of this is you become aware of the pattern. Many people stay stuck in their patterns for a very long time, even though they're aware. The expression is the next stage.

• 1:33:59Speaker 01

  It's forgiveness and expression. Expression may be through breathwork where you don't understand where it's coming from. But even think of the people, the people pleasing pattern we've been talking about. When you start to express the real you and you let people sit with tension, that is an expression that you are no longer harboring. It's no longer stored inside of your body. If you are a self-reliant person that normally feels hyper-independent, for you to begin, to be able to receive, to be able to be vulnerable will feel like a big stretch for you. It'll feel very uncomfortable. That expression of vulnerability helps you to break the pattern. Helps you to get, to break that pattern and to integrate it.

• 1:34:40Speaker 01

  So your patterns get broken through what I call, it's a, it's a simple framework called SHIFT. S-H-I-F-T. First off, you see the pattern. What is the pattern that's running your life? Is it over giving? Is it people pleasing, self-reliance, controlling, invisibleness, perfectionism? Whatever it is, that's normally who you had to be as a kid to receive mom or dad's love. You become aware of that. You're probably playing that out with your friends and your business and you don't even know it, right? And your relationships. You become aware of it, great. The next step is H. H stands for heal the root. Behind that pattern is an inner child that was not allowed to feel a certain emotion.

• 1:35:23Speaker 01

  And if you can soothe, hear, see, and nurture that inner child, you begin to complete the path from childhood. And that is where then you start doing this really deep inner child work. Now on I, I, S-H-I stands for integrate the shadow. You integrate the other side of yourself that you've been afraid to become. So as the people pleaser pattern, you might then realize you've been afraid to be firm in your own, in your own energy. Setting boundaries, expressing yourself. And you might be afraid that you'll be seen as bad. You have to embrace that path. You have to embrace that and integrate it and accept it.

• 1:36:05Speaker 01

  So as you integrate the shadow, you then can focus on, F stands for feeling the frequency of what you want to experience, but in the present moment. Not feeling it to manifest and get somewhere else. You focus on the frequency of passion, the frequency of falling in love with the process. You focus on that energy. And in that feeling of the frequency, you then get to T, which stands for transformation. And in transformation, what you realize is you realize that this moment right here is perfect as it is. You realize that you are the love and joy you've been looking for. And you realize that you are whole and complete. If you think about it, it's such a funny game and concept we play.

• 1:36:50Speaker 01

  We think, I want to be worthy. What does that even mean to be worthy? Think about it, like I want to feel safe. Safe is a concept. Worthiness is a concept. Is a baby worthy? Think about that. Is a baby worthy?

• 1:37:06Lewis Howes?

  Yes, I think a baby is worthy of being here.

• 1:37:08Speaker 01

  But what does the baby have to do to be worthy? Nothing. So what's interesting about this is I have two layers to this. I've done this at a live event before where what I did is I brought out these dolls. And I said, everyone has to pick out of these three babies, which one is the most worthy? And you have to boo for the one that's the least worthy. And you have to pick. And I said, it's going to sound cheesy, but you'll remember it forever. So we went through and I said, if this is your baby, yell. It was so ridiculous. But afterwards, we realized how silly the concept is. Babies don't have to do anything to be worthy. They just exist. In the same way as a kid, as a baby, we decided who do I have to be to be worthy? And we took on that role. Here's the thing where we flip it on its head when it comes to transformation.

• 1:37:55Speaker 01

  This idea of worthiness is a concept. I believe that babies and even us, we are both worthy and not worthy at the same time. If we can let it be okay that we are both worthy and not worthy, doesn't it feel a little bit lighter to think of it like that? Because so much of our lives is, I don't want to feel not worthy. I don't want to be seen as not worthy. I have to be over here in order to be enough. Wouldn't it feel more freeing if you could let it be okay that you weren't worthy? What if you, then you're playing a different game, right? And ironically enough, people that want to feel safe. It's like, I want to feel safe. Well, what does that mean? What does safety feel like in your body? You'll find that safety in your body is just what? Calm?

• 1:38:39Speaker 01

  Like, if you can allow yourself to accept feeling not safe, ironically enough, you'll be more safe. So part of Tea for Transformation is what I teach is it's the consciousness shift into what I call the second awakening. The second awakening is beyond this whole game of self-development. It's believing that you need one more video, you need one more book to read, and then you can go for it. Stop waiting, just start. Every moment's a new moment. Every moment, you're a new version of you. And if you just start now, you've immediately put yourself on a new timeline. And the thing is, is we wait for the external to shift so that then we can feel a certain way. And it's like, just start now. Start now. What it, you're waiting for a sign.

• 1:39:24Speaker 01

  I'm waiting, everyone's waiting for us. I was waiting for Tony Robbins to tell me to go for it. It wasn't gonna happen because the person I had to become was somebody that was taking ownership of my life. And what's funny now is I'm in a place now to where it's like, I've, I've, there's always layers, of course, but it's like, it's, it's so interesting how it works because by the time you become the person that you've always visualized yourself to be, it'll feel normal and natural. So it's like, it's not this thing that's on a pedestal that's really cool, and you won't care either way. Because I know that even if I met like really cool people I've always looked up to, and I've met a lot of them, it's cool, but it's like, it's not this, it doesn't make me more worthy or more complete. But because I have that energy, it's almost like I'm more of an energetic match to it because I'm good either way.

• 1:40:08Speaker 01

  So if anybody watches this, use the phrase, "I'm good either way." That's a magical mantra that you can begin to bring in your life. You're good if people like you or don't like you, you're more free. You're okay if people choose you or not, you're more free. What's so bad about being disliked? It's what we make it mean about us. And the thing is, is if we can let it be okay and we can be present with those emotions as they come up, we are then free. And what I say around transformation is true freedom is when you're in that energy and you're not trying to prove you're worthy, you're not trying to get somewhere else and manifest it because then you're gonna feel different. It's about the person you become.

• 1:40:53Speaker 01

  It's about falling in love with the process. And when you're allowing the divine or God to flow through you, there's very little keeping score that happens because you're enjoying the moment.

• 1:41:03Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:41:03Speaker 01

  Even if you're in a situation that you could judge, because at any layer, we could judge and say, well, you, it's easy for you because you have a certain level of abundance in your life, but you could always relate it and imagine that like, there's always a way to relate it, to contrast it, to realize like you can still be grateful for where you are. Even when I had that nine to five job, the last couple of months I was there, I was, I wasn't trying to like, when it was slow, I wasn't like, oh, why am I here? I could be making videos. I was like, this is my last time I'm ever gonna have a nine to five job. I just knew it. I'm gonna enjoy it. I'm gonna be present with the customers. I'm actually gonna, like, I was present. And that, I think, went into it as well. Because I wasn't trying to escape where I'm at. And so many people, they might be trying to manifest something, but they're not present with where they are.

• 1:41:48Speaker 01

  And if you more than fill your present space by going the extra mile or giving more value than you're taking, you will create opportunity for yourself.

• 1:41:57Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:41:58Speaker 01

  Either you'll, you'll meet, I've had people that I've met before that are like, I want to hire you, you know, or something like that. Now that I, you know, have my own business or whatever, like, when I was selling shoes though, when I would have that energy, people would like want me to work for their business and stuff. Opportunities came because I was going above and beyond because of my energy, really, as well. It was my, my mentality, my energy. So those that are listening to this, I think, can begin to apply that into their life to realize you're good either way because you don't need to control all of this and make it happen. There's a level that that will feel very empowering, but it has a limit. And that limit is that it's always up to your ego to create it. And there's a level above that where you allow the divine to flow through you. And when the divine is flowing through you, you can still have these goals,

• 1:42:43Speaker 01

  but you've fallen in love with the process and you're curious about what can come into your life. You're curious, and then that's where the divine and God really begins to come in. And that's why feeling, that's why adding value feels so good. That's why making about other people feels so good. Because then it's a win-win-win because other people also want to be transformed or want to feel good. They're attracted to playful energy even. You know, the more fun you have, the more you win. The more serious and heavy things are because I need to manifest it and experience it and change my childhood patterns, you create this really heavy energy that creates a lot of resistance. And when we go back to what we were talking about the very beginning of the podcast,

• 1:43:24Speaker 01

  letting go is the key to releasing the attachment to then become more free.

• 1:43:29Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:43:29Speaker 01

  And that's the, the level of the second awakening is you've let go of the identity of being spiritual. You've let go of the identity of like needing to manifest it and create it. And you're more into the level of presence, of curiosity, of presence, and of divine service to other people. And I believe we all came here to be this kind of energy. And I believe that even with AI and everything happening in the world, I believe there's gonna be a matches, a massive consciousness shift is gonna happen in the next few years because of AI. I believe more people are gonna wake up than we've ever seen, and they're gonna crave authenticity. And they're gonna crave presence. They're gonna crave, um, I think there's gonna be a big shift that happens. And I think it's gonna be scary in some ways because a lot's gonna shift.

• 1:44:14Speaker 01

  But on the other side of that, I believe there's gonna be more power than ever before for people to really get in alignment with their spiritual self. They're gonna get more in alignment with who they came here to be. And it's gonna completely shift the perspective on the other side of this whole technology thing that we're experiencing.

• 1:44:36Lewis Howes?

  My father passed away four years ago, and your mom passed away three years ago, is that right recently? And there was a lot that came up for me during that process. But also a lot of like peace and connection at the same time.

• 1:44:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:44:50Lewis Howes?

  What was the biggest thing that came up for you when your mom passed away? Specifically around you doing a lot of the healing work before that.

• 1:44:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:44:58Lewis Howes?

  And there was, there more that you needed to let go of in order to be even freer once she passed away?

• 1:45:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, there were so many, um, kind of layers to that because I was, I'm very close to my mom. Even now, the way that I, I mean, I believe that we're spiritual beings, live in temporary human experiences. So I still in a way feel connected to my mom, even though she's not here. I'm not sure if you feel that way at all with your dad, you know, I still very.

• 1:45:22Lewis Howes?

  More connected.

• 1:45:22Speaker 01

  I feel more connected as well. So for my mom, when she passed away, there was a lot that I had to deal with because I was also like taking care of the family in a lot of ways. I was kind of taking care of her and uh, got her a place and stuff like that. So when she passed away, there was a lot of family dynamics I had to deal with. And that.

• 1:45:41Lewis Howes?

  Not enjoyable.

• 1:45:42Speaker 01

  Not enjoyable. And it was, it was hard, you know, because these people I love, but like I can't, I can't just take care of everybody in my family, you know, that are adults, you know?

• 1:45:50Lewis Howes?

  And you had to be like, create a boundary and also be seen as the bad guy.

• 1:45:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's exactly what happened.

• 1:45:55Lewis Howes?

  It's almost like, okay, here's the greatest test.

• 1:45:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:45:59Lewis Howes?

  Like you say, you learned these things in the last couple of years, but now can you really integrate?

• 1:46:04Speaker 01

  That was a pattern that my mom wasn't really able to break because she was like a, so we have my brother and my sister, same mom, different dad. Their dad wasn't around. My dad was around, their dad wasn't around. So, uh, my mom was kind of a single parent with them. So she was somebody that would like abandon everything off her, like she would do anything she could for certain people in her life, and she didn't have boundaries. And it was very hard for her to set boundaries with my brother and my sister. And that was kind of the dynamic that she had, uh, with them. So when she passed away, now it became this thing that I'm moderate, I'm like having to deal with, which is uncomfortable. But I realized it was also an opportunity and a gift to them

• 1:46:45Speaker 01

  to be able to grow up and to go through the uncomfortableness of like, they're 27, 28 years old, they're not little kids, yeah. Um, so it was in a way, it was kind of a gift for them to be able to grow up. And I knew in a deep way that it like, she, she is 58 years old, had a heart attack out of nowhere. And the last message she ever sent me, my mom would send me WhatsApp messages. She didn't text me, she sent me WhatsApp messages.

• 1:47:08Lewis Howes?

  Like voice memos or?

• 1:47:10Speaker 01

  Just, just like articles and memes and.

• 1:47:12Lewis Howes?

  But it would be text, not voice memos?

• 1:47:13Speaker 01

  Yes, not voice memos. But she sent me one two hours before she had a heart attack.

• 1:47:18Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 1:47:18Speaker 01

  And it said, it was a quote from this person that said, this quantum physicist person that said something like, if humans knew the amount of power there is in group meditation, it would transform the world like five times over. It was something like that.

• 1:47:33Lewis Howes?

  She sent you this two hours before she passed?

• 1:47:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, so she, she sent that image, said, hey, hon, I'm thinking of you. And like, I have it, I have screenshots of it. I'll never let that go in my, in my phone. But it was such a testament to me because I believe a part of my purpose is around doing live guided meditations that create group coherent energies. So like, and she, I've always felt that, and she knew that. So she sent me this message. We hadn't talked for like a couple of days, and she sent me this one message about the power of group meditation transformed the planet. And then two hours later was in her closet and had a heart attack and died.

• 1:48:05Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:48:06Speaker 01

  And my brother and sister were there. It was extremely traumatic for them.

• 1:48:08Lewis Howes?

  They were there.

• 1:48:09Speaker 01

  They were there, yeah. I got a call. And then I flew in, you know, I flew in the next day to Vegas and, and.

• 1:48:15Lewis Howes?

  She was already passed though?

• 1:48:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, she, she was gone. Yeah, she was gone.

• 1:48:18Lewis Howes?

  Did she make it to the hospital or?

• 1:48:19Speaker 01

  No, I think she passed. I don't, I don't think so. It was a very, yeah, I remember, I remember, you know, it was a very, it's a very visceral memory, but yeah, a lot came up for me. And it was just a shock, you know, I'm like, oh. Then you think of all the things you would have done differently and how much more you would have reached out and you would have connected, you know? Part of it too, if I'm being completely honest, I was sure a vulnerable thing. The, the thing for me is a week or two, a couple of weeks before she passed away. One of the things that I did is I, I kind of reeled back and was like, okay, you know, you know, I was like kind of supporting her, you know? Um, in a house in Vegas.

• 1:48:57Lewis Howes?

  Financially.

• 1:48:58Speaker 01

  Financially. And I was like, okay, it's been, I told her I'd give her two years to like, you know, figure out finances and stuff. And she loved to make woodworking stuff and she spent her money there. And I'm like, okay, the, the way she's really going to learn all this is I have to like pull back.

• 1:49:11Lewis Howes?

  Keep enabling, not enabling, but providing or?

• 1:49:13Speaker 01

  Like pulling back a little bit, like we pay half the rent or something. And within a few weeks of me kind of pulling back the reins, I'm like, okay, you're going to have to like figure it out soon. That's when it happened.

• 1:49:22Lewis Howes?

  Oh, no.

• 1:49:23Speaker 01

  So a part of myself, but here's, here's the, here's the blessing though. I was at a Tony Robbins event and Tony Robbins was in, was, uh, sharing a story where the last couple of years of his mom's life, he bought her a house like on the beach or something like that. And I remember hearing that story and it really resonated with me. That was in 2019. And after I started becoming successful on YouTube, I was like, I have the money and my mom's always been mad with, my mom has always been bad with money. I have the money to take care of her. So what I did is I took care of my mom for the last two years she was alive. And even though at the end I was really questioning like, is this enabling? So she'd learn abundance, like my mom had a hard life, especially earlier on.

• 1:50:02Speaker 01

  So like, I wanted to do that for her. And, um, the beauty of it though, was being at that Tony Robbins event, I heard that story and I did that for my mom. But then it happened like a month after I kind of was like starting to move the energy back. But I think deep down, like I didn't, for a while I kind of not blame myself, but I was like, did I cause this to happen? That's one of the stages of grief. You renegotiate with yourself. Did I cause this because my mom, uh, now like had to like start figuring out money and I was pulling the reins back, you know?

• 1:50:29Lewis Howes?

  It's called bargaining.

• 1:50:30Speaker 01

  Bargaining. That's what it is. Yep.

• 1:50:32Lewis Howes?

  I just had the grief expert on yesterday who talked about the six stages of grief, but anyway.

• 1:50:36Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah. 100% that was, that was the stage.

• 1:50:39Lewis Howes?

  It's like, oh, what if I would have kept paying, would she last long? What if I would have done this? What if I'd have reached out more?

• 1:50:43Speaker 01

  Good to know because I, I had to become aware of that inside of myself. And of course I, I went through all the OG books, you know, as I was healing inside of myself and processing it. And I just gave myself a lot of permission to cry for a long time. And it, that was my life for a while was feeling it. And then eventually it was like, I just, I feel connected to my mom in a different way now. So I've kind of moved through it in a different way. And it's, it's kind of brought me deeper into my own spiritual practice. And you know, I, it, some people could say that the spiritual perspective is maybe just a way of bypassing the inevitable death that we all have. But I really believe that like we are eternal spiritual beings that are dreaming right now that this is who we are. And I believe that when we die, it's like waking up from a dream.

• 1:51:26Speaker 01

  I believe that right now we are awake in a higher state of consciousness, projecting our, our life here, projecting our awareness here. And we came here to learn energy, life, purpose, relationships. It's almost like we're at a bus stop and we're like, I want to learn this lesson, this lesson, this lesson. And I need people to help me learn this in my life. And then what happens is all these people at the bus stop is like, I want to learn forgiveness. If someone raises their hand, I'll help you learn. And what happens is we have all these people that we come to earth. And one of the hard parts of this reality, I believe, is that we forget who we are to then remember who we are. And if you look at like the work of Dolores Cannon, for example, I don't know if you've ever heard she is, she's a hypnotherapist.

• 1:52:08Speaker 01

  Uh, all of her books are just thousands of transcripts from people in a very deep level of hypnotherapy. And the same thing comes through thousands of people from all over the world, say very similar things. And they say that now on the ti- is a time to be on the planet that's unlike any other time in history. That we, when we come here, forget who we are to then remember who we are. That there's a powerful shift in consciousness that's happened on the planet in this lifetime. And that we have the ability to really raise our level of consciousness in the life collectively together.

• 1:52:40Lewis Howes?

  Isn't that a line in the, in the Lion King? It's like, remember who you are. Right? To somebody or whatever. And it's like, remember who you are, right? It's so funny, man.

• 1:52:50Speaker 01

  I feel like that's what we're doing. I feel like we're remembering who we are. Right now. And that's, that's the first spiritual awakening. And then from there, it's like, I'm going to create my reality and I have all these powers and abilities to like, um, like, you know, I could take action and do all of these things. Uh, but then the other side of it is the layer above it is the letting go, the surrender, the enjoying the process, the giving it up. They're really just connecting to God, to the divine. And that that connection is where everything else stems from. And when you give credit to something greater than yourself, I think that that's when things beyond what we can imagine come into our life.

• 1:53:24Lewis Howes?

  I study a lot of sports psychology and a lot of like champions of sports, right? And there's kind of two approaches that great athletes take after they win a game and they give an interview.

• 1:53:36Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:53:37Lewis Howes?

  Some say, I'm the greatest and I knew I was going to make this happen and no one can stop me. And it's like, it's about me and what I believe. I'm capable of. You know, Muhammad Ali, Conor McGregor, they have this kind of like, I know I'm the greatest in the world. I'm gifted. I'm the greatest type of thing. And they speak this belief and they own it. And in a lot of ways, they can create that, you know? If they really back it with the training and the right things, and they have the talent and the skills, like that belief drives them. But a majority of people take a more of a humble approach. Who are like, you know, it's all God.

• 1:54:16Lewis Howes?

  It's all Jesus. It's all God. Uh, I am nothing without God and I'm so grateful to have this opportunity. And you hear that approach a lot more, specifically, I feel like I'm hearing it all the time now. And less of the, you know, I'm the best in the world approach. Either way, they, they tend to work around a belief, but I feel like the sustainable belief is I am working through God. Or God is working through me. And I am so blessed and grateful to have the opportunity to express these gifts that are not necessarily mine, that are from God.

• 1:54:55Lewis Howes?

  And I believe that's more of a, a sustainable approach to not just sports and longevity, but the life.

• 1:55:02Speaker 01

  Yeah. Think about how much less pressure that is.

• 1:55:04Lewis Howes?

  Oh my gosh.

• 1:55:04Speaker 01

  Think of the pressure of, I am Conor McGregor.

• 1:55:07Lewis Howes?

  I'm the greatest of all time.

• 1:55:08Speaker 01

  Of all time. That's a lot of pressure. And I think that that also, I mean, that's a whole different conversation around esoterics, but it creates like a group energy around that concept. Um, that can like have a power of its own, but it comes with its limits because.

• 1:55:24Lewis Howes?

  You get injured and then, oh, I'm not the greatest.

• 1:55:26Speaker 01

  Who is the I, who is the I that is the greatest? That's the question to ask, right? Is it, that's where you get into like the, the philosophical part of it, but God flowing through you, I think, you know, I've always, it's funny watching people like Khabib or something, you know, because he's talking about like, you know, giving it up to God, but they're beating the crap out of each other in UFC. But it is like, it, a lot of the great ones, they do, they give it up to something greater than themselves. And I think that humbleness creates an energy that like, it's a flow state they, they pop into.

• 1:55:57Lewis Howes?

  It's a surrender too. They're not like holding on to something of it's got to be them. They have to do it all themselves. It's a letting go and a surrender. And I'm going to do the best I can to deliver, you know, my, my energy and whatever event I'm creating, but the end of the day, I am in service and I'm a vessel to the divine. And I'm expressing it through this art or mixed martial arts or basketball or speaking or whatever talent I'm expressing it through. And I think greater things happen when we come from the divine than when we come from.

• 1:56:33Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 1:56:33Lewis Howes?

  Ego. And I've experienced that many times by, you know, humiliating myself, embarrassing myself. Or whatever, hurting myself by thinking it's me rather than, okay, this is something greater than me. You know, or by making the emphasis more about, look what I did versus, okay, look what God did. I'm grateful to be able to express this. With God in partnership in some sense.

• 1:57:01Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 1:57:02Lewis Howes?

  I've got a couple of final questions for you, but this has been awesome, Aaron. I appreciate you.

• 1:57:06Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 1:57:06Lewis Howes?

  Being in the flow states here throughout this. Um, and I want people to follow you, Aaron Doughty, 44 over on social media, YouTube, Instagram, all the places. And you also have, you know, you talked about your framework, the shift. And you have the shift academy where you bring people through this shift method, which I think is really powerful. And I know you have uh, different workshops on this as well. So people can check that out as well online. Where's the best website for you where they can check out the academy and your events and everything else you're doing?

• 1:57:37Speaker 01

  Um, probably just Aaron Doughty.com. Like my website. Yeah.

• 1:57:41Lewis Howes?

  D O U G H T Y A A R O N Doughty.com. Make sure you guys check that out. This is a question I ask everyone towards the end called the three truths. Hypothetical scenario, you get to live as long as you want on this material world, but it's the last day for you many years in the future. And you have.

• 1:58:03Lewis Howes?

  Created everything you want to create. Um, and you've made a lot of great content and books and things are out there, but hypothetically, you gotta take all your work with you. Or no one, no one has access to this message anymore.

• 1:58:15Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:58:16Lewis Howes?

  This conversation, your YouTube channel gone, everything's gone.

• 1:58:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:58:19Lewis Howes?

  Hypothetically.

• 1:58:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:58:20Lewis Howes?

  But you get to leave behind three lessons to the world. And we would have access to those three lessons. I call it the three truths.

• 1:58:27Speaker 01

  Got it.

• 1:58:28Lewis Howes?

  What are those three truths for you?

• 1:58:30Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 1:58:32Speaker 01

  The first one would be that you're an eternal spiritual being, live in a temporary human experience. That love, joy and peace is your natural state of being. It's who you are. There's nothing you need to do to become worthier enough. There's nothing you even need to be. That that's who you are at your core. And that life is about remembering that. So I say that's the first one. Life is about remembering that. The second one is that in life, the biggest thing we have the ability to control is just the meaning we give things. Everything in life has no built in meaning, other than the meaning we give it.

• 1:59:16Speaker 01

  A rainy day is not good or bad, it just is. And when we can begin to see that we are the ones that generate meaning, we can then see that like, that's where our power is. If you give something that's negative, a positive meaning, you will literally perceive a positive coming from that in some form because of your definition of it. So that'd be the second is that everything has no built in meaning, other than meaning we give it. And then the third one is that there's no more, there's no place more beautiful than this present moment right now. That anything you accomplish in your life,

• 1:59:58Speaker 01

  that is a big goal that you have, that you're striving for. Those are all good and great, but don't let yourself not love the present moment. Realize you're whole and complete the way that you are. And that the more you can allow the divine and God to flow through you, through your art, through your work, through your connection to other people, the more you'll be living in this consciousness of who you actually are. That's the more you remember.

• 2:00:24Lewis Howes?

  Man.

• 2:00:26Lewis Howes?

  I want to acknowledge you, Aaron, for the flow state you've been in today and by

• 2:00:31Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 2:00:32Lewis Howes?

  Sharing, I think, a divine wisdom that you've been experiencing through all the challenges you've faced, through all the work you've done, the healing you've done and will continue to do.

• 2:00:42Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 2:00:43Lewis Howes?

  And the last time I saw you was literally five years ago. And I, you know, I've, I, I see the work that you've been doing energetically.

• 2:00:52Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 2:00:52Lewis Howes?

  And I acknowledge it and I'm excited for you, man, because I know how powerful you are with this presence that you're tapping into and the healing work that you're doing. Even if it sounds a little weird for some people, that some of the stuff that you've done and stuff.

• 2:01:09Speaker 01

  Some of this sounds weird.

• 2:01:13Lewis Howes?

  Uh, but I've done a lot of weird like healing activities that are reenactments and having conversations with my inner child and all sorts of stuff too, that it's like you're, when you feel a sense of pain or stuckness for 20, 30, 40 years.

• 2:01:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:01:27Lewis Howes?

  You're like sick and tired of feeling pain in your chest. You'll essentially do whatever it takes.

• 2:01:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:01:33Lewis Howes?

  To create, to remember the freedom that you are and the peace that you are.

• 2:01:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:01:38Lewis Howes?

  And so I know that I was willing to do whatever essentially.

• 2:01:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:01:42Lewis Howes?

  Um, no matter how weird it was. So I want to acknowledge you for being on the journey and being of service to people while also creating healthy boundaries.

• 2:01:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:01:50Lewis Howes?

  And being willing to be disliked.

• 2:01:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, thank you.

• 2:01:53Lewis Howes?

  And excited to see what you continue to create, man.

• 2:01:56Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 2:01:56Lewis Howes?

  Of course. Final question, what's your definition of greatness?

• 2:02:00Speaker 01

  Greatness is, I think God is greatness. And being able to allow God to flow through. I think a lot of times we've been conditioned to believe that we're these unworthy things, like the, like the ego is the unworthy thing. And God is the separate thing from us. But I believe that we are connected to God. And I believe that God flows through us when we're in a flow state. God flows through us in moments of grace and in moments of presence. And I believe that our life is about getting more to that present energy of who we naturally are. And that is great.

• 2:02:42Speaker 01

  And greatness comes through when we give the credit up to something greater than ourselves.

• 2:02:46Lewis Howes?

  I love that.

• 2:02:47Speaker 01

  So I think that that's my, that's my definition.

• 2:02:49Lewis Howes?

  And the biggest takeaway that you had personally from this conversation? What opened up for you personally from this?

• 2:02:58Speaker 01

  I think it's that the, you know, prepping, it's interesting coming to like, you know, a podcast like yours, you know, I mean, great, you have an epic podcast. I think it was just a confirmation of the kind of work that I'm doing where back in the day, like years ago, if I would have come on, I probably would have prepped quite a bit and had all these planned things that I might, like stories I might've shared and stuff. And, um, I intentionally like just showed up today, knowing that like, that I trusting that there's something greater that flows through. And, um, yeah, I just feel like it just, it just flowed very nicely. So it's a sign to me and a reflection to me that like, you just bring presence to the equation and that's where the magic is.

• 2:03:43Speaker 01

  And, um, I think that the, the conversation just took on a life of its own.

• 2:03:46Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 2:03:47Speaker 01

  And it was a kind of a representation of the energy that we're talking about here, which is of, um, like not having an agenda almost. And also play, I think that the, the more we raise our vibration, the more play we bring into our lives. And when things are very serious, it's like very heavy, you know? And, um, I think that an intention of mine recently is to being, to begin to bring more play in my life. And I think anybody that is experiencing any type of heaviness in their life, if they bring more playfulness to it and they have more fun in whatever area of life it is, they'll find they're more present to the moment.

• 2:04:24Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 2:04:24Speaker 01

  And then more beauty comes from it.

• 2:04:26Lewis Howes?

  Aaron, appreciate you, brother.

• 2:04:27Speaker 01

  Awesome.

• 2:04:28Lewis Howes?

  Just bring it, man.

• 2:04:29Speaker 01

  Appreciate you.

• 2:04:29Lewis Howes?

  My friend, I hope you're enjoying this episode right now because we are on a mission to impact a hundred million lives every single week. And every follow here on this podcast helps us reach more people. Make sure to hit the follow at the top of this show's page right now. It's the single biggest thing that you can do to support the show and the impact of us reaching you every single time we have new episodes. I appreciate you and I can't wait to see you in the next episode. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links.

• 2:05:09Lewis Howes?

  And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our greatness plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you, if no one has told you lately, that you are loved, you are worthy and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.