Stop Chasing Love In Relationships & Do This Instead w/ Martha Higareda EP 1423

https://lewishowes.com/mindset - Order a copy of my new book The Greatness Mindset today! Martha Higareda is a Mexican actress, producer and screenwriter. She's written, acted in and produced a new film on Netflix called "Queens On The Run."In this episode you will learn,How to attract a healthy relationshipHow to deal with attachments in your relationshipsHow to heal from your inner child woundsWhy “love is not enough” in a healthy relationshipCheck out Martha's new movie - "Queens On The Run."For more information go to www.lewishowes.com/1423Habits That'll Help You Not Waste Another Year Of Your Life w/ James Clear EP 1372 https://link.chtbl.com/1372-podYour Personal Guide to Self Discovery w/ Nicole LePera EP 1358 https://link.chtbl.com/1358-podOvercome Your Triggers & Heal Your Soul w/ Dr. Mariel Buqué EP 1304 https://link.chtbl.com/1304-pod Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Lewis Howes?

  My friend, I am such a big believer that your mindset is everything. It can really dictate if your life has meaning, has value, and you feel fulfilled, or if you feel exhausted, drained, and like you're never going to be enough. Our brand new book, The Greatness Mindset, just hit the New York Times Bestseller back-to-back weeks. And I'm so excited to hear from so many of you who've bought the book, who've read it and finished it already, and are getting incredible results from the lessons in the book. If you haven't got a copy yet, you'll learn how to build a plan for greatness through powerful exercises and toolkits designed to propel your life forward. This is the book I wish I had when I was 20, struggling, trying to figure out life. 10 years ago, at 30, trying to figure out transitions in my life,

• 0:45Lewis Howes?

  and a book I'm glad I have today for myself. Make sure to get a copy at lewishouse.com/2023mindset to get your copy today. Again, lewishouse.com/2023mindset to get a copy today. Also, the book is on Audible now, so you can get it on audiobook as well. And don't forget to follow the show so you never miss an episode.

• 1:10Martha Higareda?

  Really deeply falling in love is to see everything about that person. Not only the good parts, also the other parts. And saying to that person, "I accept you."

• 1:25Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:26Martha Higareda?

  "You're not perfect, and you don't have to be, because no one is."

• 1:29Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:30Martha Higareda?

  "I accept you." And because I'm able to see all of the parts of you, then I love you deeply.

• 1:38Lewis Howes?

  Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 2:02Lewis Howes?

  Welcome back everyone to the School of Greatness. I'm very excited about today's episode. This is a special episode. A couple of things. Number one, I've never sat on this side of the table. So that's the first thing. I'm on a different side of the table if you're watching on YouTube. Number two, this is a first in the history of the School of Greatness. Of almost 10 years and almost 1,400 episodes, I've never had my intimate partner on this show. So this is a very big deal. So we have the inspiring Martha Iguadeta in the house. Very excited because this is a woman who has captured my heart, who has fully loved and accepted me for who I am as a human being. And it is an incredible journey to live life with you.

• 2:46Lewis Howes?

  So it's been a beautiful journey. If you don't know who she is, she has done over 40 movies as an actor, many TV shows as a producer, written many movies as well, and just is extremely creative and talented and wise in a lot of different ways in the world. She is someone who's tapped in spiritually into her heart and with the mystical parts of the universe. And she is someone who is a big giver to her friends, her family, and most importantly to herself, which I think is really powerful. And she's a big giver to me as well. So very excited. I love you.

• 3:24Martha Higareda?

  I love you so much. Thank you for saying what you said. I'm a amor te amo.

• 3:27Lewis Howes?

  Te amo muchísimo. Today is actually Valentine's Day that we're recording this, but this will come out later because Martha has an exciting movie coming out on Netflix called Fuga de Renas.

• 3:41Martha Higareda?

  Queens on the Run.

• 3:43Lewis Howes?

  Queens on the Run. It's coming out. So this will come out sometime before your movie. So I want you guys to watch the movie. It's an amazing experience. And there is a very special guest appearance from some, from an American that you will see as well.

• 3:57Martha Higareda?

  Yes, you are in the movie.

• 3:58Lewis Howes?

  So when you see it, you know, be sure to let me know. But this episode I want to talk about... It's relationships and love. And again, Martha has a lot of experience in learning about her heart and doing therapy over the years. And, you know, being in relationships that didn't work for her. And now hopefully being in a relationship that does work for her.

• 4:21Martha Higareda?

  Yes.

• 4:21Lewis Howes?

  So, this is all about love and relationships. And, you know, actually, your movie has a lot of lessons about love and relationships as well. Because there's four different women in the movie that all have like a struggle in their relationships. And you've been the queen of romantic comedies in Mexico and in Latin America. And exploding in the box office over the years of writing and being the lead of romantic comedies. But in romantic comedies, there's typically an approach to love and relationships that looks good on TV and in the movies, but doesn't always necessarily translate to real life.

• 5:02Lewis Howes?

  So can you break down, first off, what the typical way of love looks like in the movies and in TV? And how some of it actually works in real life, but how some of it hurts women and hurts individuals from thinking it needs to be a certain way that actually has not worked. Uh, so let's start with that.

• 5:27Martha Higareda?

  Okay. So as you said, I've been doing a lot of romantic comedies in Latin America. And that, in Latin America and in general in the world, we're usually

• 5:39Martha Higareda?

  always movies and TV shows, usually show the parts in which you get to know the other person. And you say, oh, I like color blue, me too, you know, I like salsa, me too, like all these different things.

• 5:52Lewis Howes?

  Likes and interests.

• 5:53Martha Higareda?

  Likes and interests. And then when the movie ends, usually, and I'm talking about all the different, you know, princesses movies and all the romantic comedies that I've done and that I've written, by the way. And in which the concept of my other half, the concept of you complete me, you know, we know this.

• 6:13Martha Higareda?

  Movie that Tom Cruise did, saying like, you complete me. All of these things, what they do is that they make you feel you're incomplete. And that then therefore, someone else is going to complete you. And then on top of that, when these movies are released, they only show you all that. And then the end is they kiss, they get married, and then that's it. So, they are, they're actually being faithful to the title, you know, the genre, romantic comedies. Because they're so romantic, so they show you only the romance of it all. But they don't show you necessarily what happens after. Unless it's a drama, and then, then it probably happens, you know? But usually, they don't.

• 6:57Martha Higareda?

  So then, as women, and as men, we grow up thinking, oh my god, I want that love story. You know, where's my guy? I need to find him. And, and then when you meet him, you do feel like, oh my god, he completes me. Or you make the other person my whole world. You are my whole world. And then therefore, when you break up, all of a sudden, your, your entire world collapses. You go into depression, you're crying, you feel empty, you don't know who you are. And I think this is the mistake of romantic comedies. And I feel guilty of it, because I've written them. And I also used to fall into the old paradigm of romanticism in that way.

• 7:42Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 7:43Martha Higareda?

  Not anymore. And I did a lot of work before meeting you. And I know you did a lot of work before meeting you.

• 7:48Lewis Howes?

  Wait a minute, so I don't complete you?

• 7:50Martha Higareda?

  No, you don't.

• 7:50Lewis Howes?

  I'm not your whole world, your whole universe? I'm not everything for you?

• 7:53Martha Higareda?

  You're not my whole world.

• 7:54Lewis Howes?

  Oh my god, just stop this interview.

• 7:56Martha Higareda?

  You're not. But, but you are a big gigantic planet in my solar system.

• 8:02Lewis Howes?

  Ooh.

• 8:03Martha Higareda?

  You know what I mean? So, there's, in my solar system, there's my family, there's my friends, there's my job, there's my mission, there's our pets, there's all of these different things, and then you're Jupiter. You know? You're a huge part of my life.

• 8:18Lewis Howes?

  I can't be the sun?

• 8:19Martha Higareda?

  No.

• 8:21Lewis Howes?

  I can't warp your entire being?

• 8:24Martha Higareda?

  But you know what I mean, so it's

• 8:27Lewis Howes?

  You're a bright star in someone's universe.

• 8:29Martha Higareda?

  It's having your universe and having your solar system complete, full, happy, joyful, with your own purpose, your own mission, your own independence, and then meeting another person who also has his universe with his whole planets and, you know, Jupiter and Mercure, whatever, I'm thinking in Spanish, but you know, like all these different planets and they say, hey, let me tell you about my universe, I want to hear about yours. And then if it matches, then we share the universes together and then we expand.

• 9:05Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 9:06Martha Higareda?

  But then it doesn't become a thing of like, oh, if it doesn't match, then I'm left with nothing because you were my universe.

• 9:15Lewis Howes?

  That's devastating.

• 9:16Martha Higareda?

  Devastating.

• 9:17Lewis Howes?

  So what should people be thinking about as they're looking for a romantic partner? How should they approach

• 9:24Lewis Howes?

  finding or creating intimacy, love and a partner when they are single?

• 9:31Martha Higareda?

  I think the most important thing to do when you're single is to know yourself very well and to know how you like to love and how you like to be loved. I don't think we do that with honesty all the time. Like usually what happens is when you're, and I used to be this way. I was single and then, you know, your heart breaks and all this stuff and then you go, okay, so where's my guy? I want to find my guy. And you go try to find your guy without even finding yourself, without even really knowing yourself and what you like, what you don't like, what you, where your boundaries, what you can accept, what you wouldn't, like all these different things.

• 10:14Martha Higareda?

  So then what happens is you meet a guy, he's cute, you're kind of into the same thing and then all of a sudden you see all these amazing things about the guy, but you don't realize these other things that he does. Oh, he doesn't treat waiters very well, but you didn't see it because you had the pink glasses on, right? But then later, months later, you start going, wait a second, I think this guy's a narcissist and I didn't realize it. So I'm just saying, it's not all the time, but usually, you go try to find love without knowing what you like and what you can accept or not accept.

• 10:53Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I think it's, we know our likes and interests, and so when we see others that have a similar likes and interests, we feel like we match. But it's not enough to have similar likes and interests. We need similar values and vision and lifestyle. We need to see, do these things match?

• 11:09Martha Higareda?

  Yeah.

• 11:10Lewis Howes?

  Usually, we're like, oh, they like the same things, the same music, the same adventures. They like traveling, so we like each other.

• 11:16Martha Higareda?

  Yeah, how can we do that? Like, if you think, oh my god, you like salsa, I like salsa too, great. Are you really gonna build a lifetime with somebody just because he likes salsa and you do too? No, it has to do more with other things that are deeper. Values, that's a big one. You know, most people waste a lot of time and energy, because you were asking that, into meeting a person and noticing all these amazing things, but not asking the real questions. Like, a woman, let's say, you're a woman that you wanna have a family, have children. You see yourself growing old with somebody, you know, growing in youth with someone. And you meet that guy, and not only until like six months later, because you don't wanna scare him away,

• 12:01Martha Higareda?

  you ask the question, hey, do you see yourself with kids? Ask it early, like...

• 12:07Lewis Howes?

  Scare him away.

• 12:08Martha Higareda?

  Please, and if you're scared, because I have friends that said, Martha, I'm gonna scare this person away. Scare him away. If he leaves, then that's not the person for you. The same with guys, you know, like, ask these things. Because then later, now you're in a relationship, and then what happens? Now you're in love. Now the families, the friends, you're, you know, everything. And then you start asking those questions. And now it starts the battle of trying to make the other person change.

• 12:37Lewis Howes?

  That doesn't work.

• 12:38Martha Higareda?

  Of course not. Nobody can change anybody. Nobody can change anybody.

• 12:43Lewis Howes?

  And what happens when you're trying to change someone else? What does that say about you?

• 12:47Martha Higareda?

  What I think it says is that you really don't love them deeply. Because when you love somebody deeply, you can accept them and you can see them. And I think there's a difference between falling in love and loving someone deeply. And falling in love is the process in which you are recognizing yourself through the eyes of your lover. So, Lois, you're an amazing guy. And I tell you these things, right? And you know this about you. There's this hidden part of you to go, "Yeah, I'm an amazing guy, actually." And you hear me saying it, and you go, "Oh, my God, I love you." That's falling in love. I am, you're seeing yourself through my eyes.

• 13:32Martha Higareda?

  Because I see your qualities and I say them to you. You see them. But then, there's the other part, which is really deeply falling in love, is to see everything about that person. Not only the good parts, also the other parts. And saying to that person, "I accept you."

• 13:52Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 13:54Martha Higareda?

  "You're not perfect, and you don't have to be, because no one is."

• 13:57Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 13:58Martha Higareda?

  "I accept you." And because I'm able to see all of the parts of you, then I love you deeply. So, for example, when I was dating you, everything you were saying, and you were being, and your action, and everything, it was information for me about who you are. Because my intention was not to change you, not to do anything, but just to get to know you. And like I said, people are fascinating, right? And especially when you're in the dating process. I was, you know, I met you, and I was like, "Oh, my God, who's this guy? I want to know who he is, what he is all about." And so, anything you would do, I wouldn't take it personal. And so, I think, and I don't know if you agree,

• 14:39Martha Higareda?

  but sometimes the mistake that we do is that we try to accommodate to the other person, uh, because we want to be loved, we want to be liked. Um, or, we see only the best parts that they have, but we don't see the other parts. Right? And so then, then when we do that, we kind of cloud ourselves, we cloud our vision. Because we're not seeing who the entire persona is, the entire personality is of, you know, the person that you're seeing. And, and for example, there was, you know, in a different time, I went out with a guy that was great, but he was into ketamine. I, I don't do any drugs, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do anything.

• 15:22Martha Higareda?

  And so instead of being judgmental, because that's the thing, the mistake we make very quickly, we become judgmental. Instead of being judgmental, I was so curious, who is this person, I wanna know. And then when he mentioned that, with curiosity, I was like, oh, tell me more, I wanna know more. And then obviously what happened is I went home that night and I was like, this is not the guy for me. It will be the guy for someone else, for sure, that enjoys that, which is good, but not for me. So that's why I feel like knowing yourself very well is very important in order for you to then go out in the world and meet other people and, and find whomever it is your best match.

• 16:03Martha Higareda?

  So for me, when I met you and you were like, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do any drugs, I was like, yes! You know, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do any drugs. And for me, that's important, you know, and the values. The values were very important and you have amazing values and integrity, you know, you have this generosity. You are kind with people and I think for me, that was very important to see that you're not only saying that you have all these values, because we had conversations about values. You're not only saying that, you're being the values that you're saying.

• 16:42Martha Higareda?

  And, um, and it was really beautiful when I met you to see you be, and to see you be you. And so then it was never After I healed, it was never my intention to ever wanna change anyone. Because if we are honest with each other and our pasts. In a way, Louis, I think we were trying to change our ex-partners in some ways. You know? So whether it was like, if it was, let's say, one of the exes, an explosive personality. Here I was, or here you were. Hey, read this book, there's this podcast, you know? In a way, you're trying to help them. But at the same time, we're not accepting who they are.

• 17:28Martha Higareda?

  And so that's why I feel like accepting the other person is one of the biggest things to create a beautiful relationship.

• 17:36Lewis Howes?

  And that's why it's beautiful being in a relationship with you, cuz I feel accepted.

• 17:39Martha Higareda?

  Oh, I feel accepted, I feel accepted too.

• 17:41Lewis Howes?

  I feel accepted, and I feel like it's hard to, that's why I think it's important to be so upfront and honest with people in the beginning of a dating experience. So they get to see most of you if possible. You know, obviously, people are gonna be on their best behavior or whatever when they're starting to get to know each other. But I think when I was getting to know you, yes, I was being a gentleman and I was being nice, but I was also being fully honest about who I've been in the past, who I am now, and who I plan to be in the future. And I think I was so clear with you.

• 18:12Martha Higareda?

  Yeah.

• 18:13Lewis Howes?

  It wasn't like I was trying to hide things, and when you would ask me questions, I would say, okay, I'm gonna share with you authentically who I am. But I don't know if you're gonna like it, and I don't know if you're gonna accept it. And a lot of times, I feel that people hide the things they don't, they aren't proud of because they feel like the other person's not gonna accept them or love them, and they're gonna want them to change something. As opposed to saying, this is all of me, and maybe I'm working on some things that I'm not proud of, or I'm trying to improve here, but this is where I'm at right now. Can you accept me? I think a lot of, I feel like I struggle thinking that a lot of women can't accept men fully with all their shame and past and, you know, challenges and mistakes they've been through in general.

• 18:57Lewis Howes?

  Do you feel like women struggle with accepting the men that are in front of them if they really knew all their shame and insecurities?

• 19:05Martha Higareda?

  Yeah.

• 19:05Lewis Howes?

  And why do you feel like it seems to be women want to change men so much?

• 19:13Martha Higareda?

  From your perspective.

• 19:15Lewis Howes?

  From your perspective.

• 19:15Martha Higareda?

  It seems to be women that wanna.

• 19:17Lewis Howes?

  That's my perspective. And why do you feel that happens?

• 19:21Lewis Howes?

  Where women try to change men as opposed to accepting them?

• 19:25Martha Higareda?

  I think it happens both ways. I think it also happens with men. But I think, I think it's more common for me to hear the stories from women.

• 19:35Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 19:35Martha Higareda?

  Because I hang out with more women. So I hear, you know, maybe you hear stories of guys that say, oh, I wish my girlfriend wouldn't be this jealous. So that's a guy that wishes to change his girlfriend as well, right?

• 19:48Lewis Howes?

  But that's who she is.

• 19:49Martha Higareda?

  But this is who she is. Or, or, or this is who she is at this moment in her life. Because maybe with therapy and things, you will change that about her. But he won't be able to change that. Has to come from within.

• 20:02Martha Higareda?

  I think what happens is that, I think when women are trying to change their man, number one, you come off as very controlling. I feel like this is the thing. The thing is that nobody can change anybody. That's the truth. Like if there's a truth in life, is that humans are unpredictable. And when a woman is trying to change her man, she's trying to feel safe. She's trying to create a man that won't hurt her. That in a man that will look at other women. A man that will like follow to a T every single thing that she wants and does.

• 20:45Martha Higareda?

  So then therefore I'm not hurt and so therefore I feel safe. But the reality is that in human condition is that no human, no man or woman is controllable. Like you wanna control somebody? Get a dog. Don't get a boyfriend. Don't get a girlfriend. Don't get a partner. Because you're not going to control that person. But I think there's this.

• 21:09Martha Higareda?

  Feeling of if I have the control of this person, then I will feel safe. And that is a myth. Like, safety in life is a myth. Because life will forever continue to move and evolve and change. So, the same as a human being. You will not control a person because he will always continue to safe. And the second that person or that guy feels controlled, over and over again, that person is gonna wanna run away. And I always say it to my girlfriends, "Think about it the opposite way." You know? Imagine you are complaining, your boyfriend is complaining because you went out with the girls. A lot of women sometimes complain, "Oh, my guy went out with the guys." Ah, you know?

• 21:54Martha Higareda?

  Imagine it's the opposite way. And you're the one that went out with your girls, and you show up at home, and instead of showing up at home, "Hey, I missed you. How was it?" You show up with this guy that is like, "So, what happened? What do you do?" Like, whatever. You're gonna start feeling like you're not free. You're supposed to be free in a relationship to be yourself. And if you can't, you start feeling trapped. You start feeling frustrated. And then, you wanna run away.

• 22:26Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 22:27Martha Higareda?

  You tell me, but you're the guy. But I feel like that would happen to me if it was the other way around.

• 22:34Lewis Howes?

  When was the moment then that you started to make all these realizations? These myths started to break for you? Because, again, you lived a certain life in Mexico, you know, dating and in relationships, and while doing these movies, was there a moment where you're like, these movies and this narrative that women have?

• 22:55Martha Higareda?

  Yes.

• 22:56Lewis Howes?

  Maybe some of it works, but not all of this narrative. Like, how old were you? And when did you start to, like, break free of that story and start looking at relationships differently? And love differently?

• 23:10Martha Higareda?

  When was it?

• 23:11Lewis Howes?

  How old were you? Was there something that...

• 23:14Martha Higareda?

  It was, I'm not gonna go into the specifics of who this person was, but it was, it was a relationship in which I found myself, kinda like in the horror movies almost, locked in my bathroom, crying, not knowing who to call, while the other person was banging outside of the door,

• 23:36Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 23:36Martha Higareda?

  Saying, "Go ahead, call your friend," and cursing and yelling. And I was like, "When did I get here?"

• 23:44Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 23:44Martha Higareda?

  Like, you know the story, so.

• 23:46Lewis Howes?

  Of course.

• 23:47Martha Higareda?

  When and why did I get here? Like, what part I am, what model, what type of movie, who I've been modeling after, that got me to a place in which I'm saying, "I'm afraid of the person I'm with, and yet it seems like I can't leave him."

• 24:04Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 24:06Martha Higareda?

  And you start thinking, "I am the only common denominator in all the relationships that I have had, so I get to work on me." Like, this is not about what he did, this is not about, you know, all of this, or abusive behavior, or whatever it is, the circumstance. It's not about the other person, it's about you.

• 24:28Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 24:28Martha Higareda?

  And so when you start looking inside of you and you find you're the common denominator, you say, "Okay, wait a second. Why am I attracting these type of guys?"

• 24:36Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 24:37Martha Higareda?

  You know, some people attract, they say, "Oh, I wanna find a great partner." And you take them to a party, and they're like, ten amazing guys, and there's that one guy who you know is trouble. And that woman who's your best friend will gravitate towards that guy. Instead of the other ten, they're amazing.

• 24:55Lewis Howes?

  Why do women seem to go after the trouble, the troubled man, as opposed to the healthy man?

• 25:02Martha Higareda?

  I think it has to do with your past. It has to do with your inner child. I think it has to do with... Unresolved trauma.

• 25:17Martha Higareda?

  I feel, and it is my experience, that when you are with someone, you meet somebody and you feel this crazy amount of chemistry, crazy amount of chemistry. Like, my advice is like, run away. Because that is not something healthy. That is unresolved trauma. That is you being a child inside of an adult body, looking at another child inside of an adult body, that his unresolved trauma will touch you in a way, will complete your unresolved trauma. And you're gonna learn a lot of lessons, but are going to be painful. So why don't you learn them on your own instead? You know?

• 26:02Martha Higareda?

  Or perhaps, go ahead, explore that, live that, but then you will find yourself inside of a back room, crying, afraid that this person may do something to you.

• 26:11Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 26:12Martha Higareda?

  And then you'll start asking the big questions. What did I do? And so you'll start looking at your past and the way you grew up and your inner child wounds.

• 26:22Lewis Howes?

  Right. Before the interview continues, if you feel like you're not living your most authentic life, not leaning into your purpose and not living the life that your future self would be extremely proud of, I've written a new book called The Greatness Mindset, and I think you're gonna love this. Through powerful stories, science-backed strategies, and step-by-step guidance, The Greatness Mindset will help you overcome all the different challenges in your life to design the life of your dreams and then turn it into your reality. Make sure to click the link below in the description to get your copy today, okay? Let's get back to this video.

• 26:56Martha Higareda?

  The way we are approaching love and finding love, or looking for love, and the people we attract has a lot to do with this five inner child wounds. That if we don't assess them before getting into a relationship, you will continue to attract the same guy.

• 27:15Lewis Howes?

  What are the wounds?

• 27:16Martha Higareda?

  So, one of them is the rejection wound. So the rejection wound is a wound we all have.

• 27:25Martha Higareda?

  Literally, like since you're a little kid, you know, at one point, your mom or dad is gonna say no to you. And you're gonna feel rejected. But there's people that have it even bigger. We all have that one. But there's people that have it even bigger. So, you know, you, you have a story of rejection in school. You've told me many, many times that, you know, you felt rejected, you felt like you were not. What that creates is a person that in the future, when there's trouble, and when that person feels rejected, that person's gonna try to go away.

• 27:59Lewis Howes?

  Run away.

• 28:00Martha Higareda?

  Or walk away.

• 28:00Lewis Howes?

  Or react, or triggered, or whatever.

• 28:02Martha Higareda?

  React, triggered, like, I'm feeling rejected, I'm gonna run away. Or it can also create a person that wants to be, it's so malleable, so adaptable, that if you like, whatever thing.

• 28:17Lewis Howes?

  Do whatever to fit in and belong and, yeah.

• 28:18Martha Higareda?

  Exactly. So you're, you're, you're looking for love, but you're, you're adapting to whatever the other person wants and needs. You know, it be, like, you become that type of adult.

• 28:30Martha Higareda?

  Then, there's the abandonment wound. And that's a tough one, because a lot of people experience that, and a lot of women experience that from their mom or their dad. You know, there's a lot of very sad stories of, my dad left for another woman, and I never saw him again. And so what does that mean? And you're a little kid, with your little tiny mind of nine years old, you don't think it's because of other things. You cannot put yourself in your parents' shoes. You think it's about you.

• 29:02Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 29:03Martha Higareda?

  And so, then what happens with people that have abandonment wounds, is that they become dependent. And they become, you know, a person that needs somebody, you know, is the kind of person that, if you're having a misunderstanding, and the partner wants to take a beat, and walk away for a second to just kinda like relax or calm down, the abandonment wound will go after that person, say, no, don't leave me! I'm here, in the middle, I'm talking, what are you doing, you know, the, and then it's a never-ending argument all night, because that person's not leaving, you know, the, the good amount of space in between the two. Because if you leave, I feel you're abandoning me. Or that they get too attached.

• 29:47Martha Higareda?

  They are dating somebody and they feel, I don't know why I feel I'm gonna mess this up at one point and that person's gonna end up leaving me.

• 29:55Martha Higareda?

  So it has to do with a story of something that happened to you in your childhood.

• 30:00Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 30:00Martha Higareda?

  Even if your dad didn't leave, even if your mom didn't leave. Sometimes it could be that you felt abandoned because they dropped you off in school when you were too little. And you had this anxiety about you. And, and maybe they didn't pick you up many, many times, you know, and you were waiting outside school and your parents didn't show up. So maybe it comes from that. Cause some people say, I have amazing parents, but I still have some of these wounds. Where are they coming from?

• 30:28Lewis Howes?

  Okay, so that's the second wound.

• 30:30Martha Higareda?

  That's the second one. Then there's the humiliation wound, the shame. You feel shame. You were humiliated.

• 30:40Martha Higareda?

  So somebody, I mean, in many different ways, you have a story about that. You know, the other day we were talking about this and you went, man, I think I have most of them.

• 30:48Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 30:49Martha Higareda?

  Right? And then I said to you, I love you so much because you've become who you've become. The man who you are, which I know who you are, having had all of these wounds is admirable. You know, the type of resilience that you have, the type of commitment with yourself that you have.

• 31:12Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 31:13Martha Higareda?

  It's massive because you do, but you were humiliated in school, right? People that were bullied or people that your parents, your parents can humiliate you.

• 31:22Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, they can.

• 31:23Martha Higareda?

  You know, many, many times. You're like, oh, you're the little kid, you're excited because you wrote this little song at that one moment and your dad is with a bunch of friends. It's like, no, what? No, you sing horrible. Move out of the way. You can see, ah, you feel that humiliation.

• 31:37Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 31:37Martha Higareda?

  So what that creates, um, having had a parent who...

• 31:44Martha Higareda?

  Has a crazy temper. And you never know what you're gonna expect, right? That parent that maybe repre- repre- how do you say repre- repre-?

• 31:56Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, reprimanded.

• 31:57Martha Higareda?

  Reprimanded you.

• 31:58Lewis Howes?

  You know English better than I do.

• 32:00Martha Higareda?

  But reprimanded you in front of, in front of other kids.

• 32:04Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 32:04Martha Higareda?

  You know, with a big temper, that big voice. You feel like this humiliation. So what that creates is in the future. If you have not worked in your inner child once. It's a man or a woman that is willing to take any kind of abuse. So you're replicating the abuse that you had at home.

• 32:26Lewis Howes?

  So you've learned how to stand up for yourself.

• 32:28Martha Higareda?

  Exactly, so then.

• 32:31Martha Higareda?

  You have a screaming girlfriend. Saying, why are you, I'm gonna break up with you if you don't pick up my phone call. And you continue in the relationship, cuz you're like, yeah, yeah, of course. Cuz you live that, that reminds you of something that you experienced.

• 32:47Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it's familiar.

• 32:47Martha Higareda?

  Exactly, so you know that feeling that when you meet somebody, people say, oh, it felt like family to me. Why did it feel like family?

• 32:56Lewis Howes?

  Some family could be great, another family might make you, yeah.

• 32:59Martha Higareda?

  Exactly, so like, that's, that's why the question is really important. What part of that made you feel like family?

• 33:06Lewis Howes?

  Okay, humiliation, what's number four?

• 33:08Martha Higareda?

  The other one is treason. Something, somebody like betrayal. So for example, my sister. She, when I was born first, then my sister was born second. And then there was a gap in which my parents didn't have children for like six years, and then they had my brother. So she was a little baby of the family and she's so funny, you know, my sister, she's really fun, she's like. Outgoing and really ex- amazing. And so then, when my brother was born for her, and she says this today. It felt like a betrayal. It felt like. What is this new person in the family? I'm not the little baby anymore.

• 33:51Martha Higareda?

  And mom, dad, and everyone around, including herself, they say that her personality, you know, changed a little bit. And she felt, and to this day, she feels, when she's more able to have more control, is when she can feel safe. And because she felt betrayed by my parents, right? So then therefore, later in life, she grows up as a woman and she's looking for love. And she's looking for a man that she can, in a way, give direction to. And this is why her relationship and my brother-in-law, you know, relationship works really well.

• 34:30Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 34:30Martha Higareda?

  Because in his case, he had an abandoned men wound. And so then, he was looking for somebody to give him direction. So this is for them, in a way, is a good, is a good match.

• 34:43Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 34:44Martha Higareda?

  So for me, being the oldest of the family, my mom was always so amazing into praising and saying, "Oh, Martita's the helper of the family. She helps me with the, with the house. She helps me with the siblings. She helps me." So in a way, I built my identity, feeling as if, if I was of help to somebody, then I was worth it, right? I was, I had some value to bring if I was being of help to somebody. So then what happened is then later, as an adult, before having healed my inner child wounds, I was looking for somebody I could help. And I didn't know this. This is subconscious, right? So then all of a sudden, I, you know,

• 35:28Martha Higareda?

  I used to fall in love with men that needed a lot of support and a lot of help. Because, in a way, if they didn't need me, I didn't know if I was worthy. You know, so that was a big one for me. And then the other one was shame. So for me, it was, you know, my family too. We're very, we're jokers, we joke all the time. And especially my dad's side of the family. He was so young, he was twenty years old. And he used to like poke me or do these little things. I was one years old, two, three, four, you know, four, five. And he would say, oh my god, look at that. He would say that too, to my mom. Look at her, she's crying just by me doing this. And he would laugh.

• 36:11Martha Higareda?

  But me as a little kid, I didn't know what was happening. So then I would feel, my dad is laughing at me, right? So I felt shame. And I had other moments in my life. I stole something from school, which is, you know, my mom was really upset. Which was good, by the way, that I learned a lesson. But in front of my entire classroom, she said that I had stolen. Uh, pencil, sharper pencil, you know.

• 36:36Lewis Howes?

  Sharpener, yeah.

• 36:37Martha Higareda?

  Sharpener, yes. And so I was crying in front of the classroom and I felt embarrassed. So then later, people who experience a lot of shame are the ones that turn into, you know, people that can withstand a lot of abuse later in life. Because that's what it feels familiar to you, you know. And, and I gotta say something that I think it's very important. It's not our parents' fault. We should, you know, stop blaming our parents for the way we are. They did what they could, with what they could. They did their best with what they, the tools they had, you know, the things they had. So, and it's up to us to heal ourselves.

• 37:21Martha Higareda?

  And then there's another one, it's called the injustice one.

• 37:25Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 37:25Martha Higareda?

  So, something that happened to you at one point in life that you felt things were unjust. You know, whether it's.

• 37:35Martha Higareda?

  Whether it's, you know, the way in your perspective, they treated your sister or your brother way better than they treated you. That felt unjust. So then, you didn't fix that inside of you. So then later in life, it makes you a very rigid person. Rigidity. You know, you don't, you want things to be a certain way, and that's it.

• 37:58Lewis Howes?

  Or you're just triggered if you see injustices constantly and everything is unjust.

• 38:03Martha Higareda?

  Yeah.

• 38:03Lewis Howes?

  And it takes a lot of your energy.

• 38:06Martha Higareda?

  Yeah.

• 38:06Lewis Howes?

  To manage those emotions.

• 38:08Martha Higareda?

  Yeah. And so if things were unjust for you when you were a little kid, you replicated as an adult in ways of you become competitive with your partner. Because you're trying to find justice.

• 38:19Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 38:20Martha Higareda?

  Oh, I, you know what, I work so much. Of course, you take care of the kids and don't tell me anything about anything. Because this is what's fair.

• 38:29Martha Higareda?

  Wait, let's talk about it, you know? So this is that type of personality. So for me, you know this. I needed to dive down inside of what was my life story? What was my wounds? Why was I attracting these type of personalities? And why was it that whenever I attracted a nice guy, it felt boring? That happens to a lot of people.

• 38:56Lewis Howes?

  Why do, why do women not like the nice guy? Why do they not?

• 39:00Martha Higareda?

  Well, I do.

• 39:02Lewis Howes?

  Why do some women?

• 39:03Martha Higareda?

  You're so nice.

• 39:04Lewis Howes?

  Why do some women not fall for a healthy, nice, conscious man? And they fall for a man that has, you know, likes and interests, but doesn't have a healthy relationship with themselves? And doesn't treat others well?

• 39:17Martha Higareda?

  Why do they fall for that?

• 39:19Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 39:19Martha Higareda?

  Um, well, one is this, you know, because they haven't addressed that they're, they're looking for love as a wounded child. As opposed to, you know, being open to love as an adult. Which is, I think this is the way you and I met. We were not anymore looking for love.

• 39:37Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 39:40Martha Higareda?

  Although healing isn't a never-ending journey, we were very aware of what was the inner child wounds that was having you attracting certain type of women and me, certain type of men. And so then therefore, once, like the first step is to be aware of it. And then you start noticing, oh. And then something happens, did it happen to you, Louis? Because for me, it was this integration of my inner child. This moment, these exercises that I would do in which I would say, "Oh, my God, I got myself." You know, Nilda is my therapist, you know. You know, I talked to you about Nilda, she's incredible. And she said to me back in the day when I was in a relationship,

• 40:24Martha Higareda?

  this person yelling at me all the, you know, like all these things. And she would say, "Don't, don't say he's yelling at me. He just yells.

• 40:34Martha Higareda?

  It just doesn't go with you."

• 40:35Lewis Howes?

  Right, and you can either choose to accept it or not.

• 40:38Martha Higareda?

  Or get out of there.

• 40:39Lewis Howes?

  But changing it is actually something that you gotta look at within yourself. You know, if I don't accept who this person is,

• 40:47Lewis Howes?

  it doesn't mean they're right or wrong, good or bad, it just means it's not a good match for me.

• 40:51Martha Higareda?

  Yeah.

• 40:51Lewis Howes?

  And so, they may not want to change. And you have to be okay with it if the other person doesn't want to change.

• 40:58Martha Higareda?

  Yeah.

• 40:59Lewis Howes?

  And you have to evaluate, okay, am I happy removing myself from this relationship? Even though there might be some other benefits, but can I deal with the parts that cause the most stress and pain? And I think, again, not everyone is bad all the time or something. But are the things that I don't like or don't match or align with, knowing this may never change. If it never changes, am I accepting it and okay with it? And I think if you're not willing to accept who they are now, you can't expect them to change later. So it's learning to say, "Am I okay? And can I give into this or accept this? Or, you know, is this a non-negotiable for me?" You know, one of the things that we got, you know, into our relationship and the dating process,

• 41:44Lewis Howes?

  was just like, you know, it's non-negotiable for, for me and us to not yell. We can disagree, we can argue, but screaming and yelling does not work for me.

• 41:55Martha Higareda?

  No.

• 41:55Lewis Howes?

  And had I experienced that with you in the first, I don't know, six months or a year, I might have been like, huh, okay. This is something that you do, maybe from time to time, you haven't done that. But I would witness it and be like, okay. This doesn't work for me. And having a conscious conversation saying, hey, if this is the way you're gonna be at times, let me know, cuz it doesn't work for me.

• 42:16Martha Higareda?

  Yeah.

• 42:16Lewis Howes?

  Or am I able to accept you if once in a while you do yell?

• 42:20Martha Higareda?

  Mm-hmm.

• 42:21Lewis Howes?

  If there's a lot of other good that happens.

• 42:23Martha Higareda?

  Yeah.

• 42:23Lewis Howes?

  And I think that's, those little nuances are hard for sometimes for people to decide.

• 42:29Martha Higareda?

  Yeah, cuz everybody wants to be loved.

• 42:31Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 42:32Martha Higareda?

  And so then now finally you're in a relationship. Finally, you have the chemistry, the kisses, the, you know, you know how it feels.

• 42:39Lewis Howes?

  And then you're thinking, well, if I'm single again, well, I find someone who's good and I don't wanna be alone and all these things.

• 42:44Martha Higareda?

  But, but wait a second, there are all these things that are great, okay, all these things are blah, blah, okay, but maybe with time. And then you hand them the book, then you hand them the podcast.

• 42:53Lewis Howes?

  No.

• 42:53Martha Higareda?

  And then you become the coach.

• 42:54Lewis Howes?

  People don't wanna change, though. People don't wanna change where they are when they're in a relationship.

• 42:58Martha Higareda?

  No.

• 42:58Lewis Howes?

  I, I have, before you, I've chosen many relationships where I felt resistance. I felt like I didn't wanna change, but the only way to make this person happy was if I changed so many different things.

• 43:11Martha Higareda?

  Yeah.

• 43:11Lewis Howes?

  And that was on, you know, that was on me for deciding to adjust and change and adapt to make someone happy. As opposed to just being full, authentic yourself.

• 43:22Martha Higareda?

  Mm-hmm.

• 43:22Lewis Howes?

  And being in a, in a relationship where you commit to personal growth individually.

• 43:27Martha Higareda?

  Yeah.

• 43:27Lewis Howes?

  I think that's something we've done really well, is committing to being in a process of personal growth individually, both having emotional coaching and saying, hey, I'm gonna grow whether we're together or not.

• 43:40Martha Higareda?

  That's true.

• 43:41Lewis Howes?

  And you're gonna grow whether we're together or not.

• 43:43Martha Higareda?

  Yeah.

• 43:43Lewis Howes?

  So let's make that commitment impact from the beginning, which I think creates a lot of safety in the relationship for both of us, knowing this person's not gonna stop improving. They're not gonna stop learning. They're gonna keep having a beginner's mind.

• 43:58Martha Higareda?

  Yeah.

• 43:59Lewis Howes?

  About their emotions, their relationship to themselves, how they navigate stress. Knowing we're never perfect human beings, but we're in a process of, of growth.

• 44:09Martha Higareda?

  Yes.

• 44:09Lewis Howes?

  I think that commitment to growth gives us a lot of peace.

• 44:15Martha Higareda?

  Yeah, there's so many things that. I feel so grateful for the way we started our relationship and how it happened. And I feel so grateful for your past and my past.

• 44:27Lewis Howes?

  Uh huh.

• 44:27Martha Higareda?

  I feel very, very grateful for that because if you didn't live the things you lived and I didn't live the things I lived, we wouldn't have met when we needed to meet.

• 44:36Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 44:36Martha Higareda?

  To continue the growth process in this way. But the same for me, you know, I was, I was nodding when you said, well, if I would have seen you yelling, you know, after six months, I probably would have been like, hey, wait a second. I think with the experience that I had, if you would have started yelling in month three, I'd be like, thank you very much.

• 44:55Lewis Howes?

  Uh huh.

• 44:55Martha Higareda?

  You know, it was so great to be with you for those three months.

• 44:58Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 44:59Martha Higareda?

  And that's it.

• 45:00Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 45:00Martha Higareda?

  Because there's things that, you know, wouldn't have worked for me either.

• 45:05Lewis Howes?

  Right, right, right.

• 45:06Martha Higareda?

  So it's interesting because what I tell most of my girlfriends is, after you do this and you find the way, you know, the inner child wants, and you address them, and let's say now you're ready, because you're open, to meet guys, meet them where they are. You know, don't meet the potential. Don't try to see, oh my god, this guy seems like he could be decent. No, no, no. Like, look at who that person is and look at everything that they're doing and don't judge them. Everything is just information.

• 45:39Lewis Howes?

  Uh huh.

• 45:40Martha Higareda?

  That was for me, like when I was meeting you.

• 45:43Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 45:44Martha Higareda?

  The thing that I wanted the most when I was meeting you is for you to be authentically you.

• 45:48Lewis Howes?

  Uh huh.

• 45:49Martha Higareda?

  So when you would say to me, oh my god, I'm gonna tell you something, I think this is gonna make you run away, I would think, oh my god, maybe he's into like threesomes or crazy stuff or drugs or something. That's definitely gonna make me run away and put you in the friend category.

• 46:04Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 46:05Martha Higareda?

  But you would say something that for me was like, oh. That's amazing, you know? So it's information. It's just what happens is we very quickly, and especially women, we very quickly jump into the place in which we see them as our future husbands.

• 46:22Lewis Howes?

  Right, right away. They have the potential.

• 46:25Martha Higareda?

  Yeah.

• 46:26Lewis Howes?

  What happens to a woman who starts seeing a man as their future husband in the first months of getting to know them? What do they tend to do more of that actually will hurt the relationship long term?

• 46:39Martha Higareda?

  You know, it's interesting because at the beginning, they, everything is great, right? So they see all the good, all the good parts. So then for about three, four months, everything was amazing. Everything was fantastic. And then the entire person starts coming out. I don't like to say the real person starts coming out because also all the other things that you saw at the beginning is still the real person.

• 47:03Lewis Howes?

  But the rest of them.

• 47:04Martha Higareda?

  The rest of them starts to come out. So then what happens? Now you want to start changing them because they don't.

• 47:12Lewis Howes?

  To go back to this perfect thing.

• 47:13Martha Higareda?

  To match you.

• 47:14Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 47:15Martha Higareda?

  To match you, you know? So if you're like regularly, you know, joyful person and you don't necessarily raise your voice or yell when you're having an argument or whatever, and while you're dating that person, you saw that that person yelled at the valet parking guy, right? But he's not yelling at you because you're living in this, in this beautiful pink bubble. You continue the relationship, you're not paying attention. Everything is information. And if a guy tells you, "I don't want to have kids," believe him.

• 47:47Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 47:47Martha Higareda?

  He doesn't want to have kids.

• 47:49Lewis Howes?

  Don't keep dating him if you want to have kids.

• 47:51Martha Higareda?

  Yeah, don't think you're gonna be like, you know, the, like Bella in The Beauty and the Beast, and you're gonna say,

• 47:57Lewis Howes?

  And tame him.

• 47:57Martha Higareda?

  "I'm gonna tame this beast and he's gonna be the one that's gonna have kids with me." No, everything that a guy says to you, believe him. That's the truth. Believe that person. Because why would he lie unless he, you know, is some sociopath or whatever.

• 48:13Lewis Howes?

  But a lot of people, I mean, it's interesting because I would say certain things in previous relationships in my twenties. I'd be like, you know, I'm not really looking for a commitment. But then I would say it to kind of like protect myself, like, hey, I'm being honest. But I'm happy to hang out and kind of see where this goes like casually and, you know, date you. But I'm really not looking for a long-term commitment. And I think you hear men say this a lot to women. And you hear women saying, well, we had this amazing time, but he said he's not really looking for something serious.

• 48:40Martha Higareda?

  Yeah.

• 48:41Lewis Howes?

  So if he's not looking for something serious, stop investing in him in a serious way.

• 48:45Martha Higareda?

  If you want something serious.

• 48:47Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 48:48Martha Higareda?

  If you don't, great.

• 48:49Lewis Howes?

  Then cool.

• 48:49Martha Higareda?

  Do whatever, have fun.

• 48:50Lewis Howes?

  But don't be upset in two, three months when he's like off dating someone else and not investing in you. Because now you have feelings for him from a chemical bond. And I think that's where where people get, both men and women, they get caught up in it because they start to have chemical bonds sexually. As opposed to, okay, are we in alignment of what we want in terms of being in some type of relationship? Or am I okay if this person starts to abandon me? Or starts to not be as connected to me and starts to live their lives in a different way? Will I be okay with that? A lot of times people get hurt from that.

• 49:27Martha Higareda?

  Another thing that is information is do their words match their actions? Oh my God, he's telling me all the most beautiful words, but he's always late. You know, he's telling me, whatever, he has this amazing life with this amazing job of this. But I actually don't see him very much, you know, working. So I pay attention more to the actions.

• 49:51Lewis Howes?

  Is he in alignment with his behaviors?

• 49:53Martha Higareda?

  Yeah.

• 49:53Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 49:54Martha Higareda?

  Yeah.

• 49:54Lewis Howes?

  I think that was interesting for us when we met, like the first thirty minutes, our first hour, we started talking about.

• 50:02Martha Higareda?

  They in a trouble? Almost, yeah.

• 50:05Lewis Howes?

  Not like the most like shiny things. You know, we weren't like, oh, I'm this amazing person and you're this amazing person. And what are you up to and how you're crushing in life? We really kind of got. Pretty deep quickly. And I think we were both being very authentic of like, this is what, you know, we've been experiencing over the past year. And this is our journey and this is kind of where we're at.

• 50:25Martha Higareda?

  Yeah.

• 50:26Lewis Howes?

  And it wasn't like, look at me trying to be the best version of myself in front of you.

• 50:29Martha Higareda?

  No, I came out in flip flops. You remember?

• 50:31Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 50:32Martha Higareda?

  You looked at me and you went, you were a midget. I went, oh my God, you're a giant.

• 50:35Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 50:35Martha Higareda?

  And then you give me that big hug, you know, like that big hug that you're known to be giving you.

• 50:40Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 50:40Martha Higareda?

  And uh, and we had a great time and it was just mainly. Because that's the thing, I was not looking for love.

• 50:48Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 50:48Martha Higareda?

  I was open to it, but I was not looking for love.

• 50:51Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 50:51Martha Higareda?

  And you were the same way. So I was really curious about who were you about?

• 50:56Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 50:57Martha Higareda?

  As I was curious about other guys. And I was like, you know, who are you? What are you about? Who are you? What are you about? And then obviously you were the best of all of them. But you know, the best for me.

• 51:07Lewis Howes?

  Well, it was the best match.

• 51:08Martha Higareda?

  The best for me, exactly.

• 51:10Lewis Howes?

  It doesn't matter. It's not about.

• 51:12Martha Higareda?

  No, but that's why I said, the best for me.

• 51:15Lewis Howes?

  And it's being, being open and aware of what, what you want as an individual.

• 51:19Martha Higareda?

  Yeah.

• 51:19Lewis Howes?

  And seeing, does this person match? I feel like we got really. Fortunate in a lot of ways because we share identical love languages.

• 51:28Martha Higareda?

  Yes.

• 51:28Lewis Howes?

  Which I never learned, I never realized how important. Like being in alignment of love languages or being okay if you don't match. And you being okay with having to give someone else something that you're not typically known to do.

• 51:44Martha Higareda?

  Yeah.

• 51:45Lewis Howes?

  And if you're okay with that. And so our love languages match who we are, our personality.

• 51:51Martha Higareda?

  Mm hmm.

• 51:52Lewis Howes?

  And so when I show up, you know, wanting to spend quality time and touch and words of affirmation with you, that is my personality.

• 51:59Martha Higareda?

  And for me it's great because then what happens is because it's also my love languages, I feel loved. You don't have to. Make an extra effort.

• 52:08Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 52:08Martha Higareda?

  For me to feel appreciated.

• 52:09Lewis Howes?

  And I think this is, you know, I've heard people say like you wanna understand your partner. What their needs are and give them their needs and help them in meeting those needs with their love languages. And I agree that if you wanna make a relationship work in a healthy way. You wanna be of service to someone's ability to receive love. So you wanna be able to give and contribute in that way the best way you can. But if that's not your natural come from, it just makes it a little more friction in order to make that happen. You have to think about it more intently, you have to like go out of your way and do something that's uncomfortable for you. So I'm not saying it can't work effectively, I just feel grateful that I can show up as myself.

• 52:51Lewis Howes?

  And not be like, oh, every week she needs a gift from me, or she needs me to do this thing, or she needs this thing, otherwise she won't feel loved. You know, you feel loved based on love language alignment. And I think everyone should be aware of that, not meaning it won't work out in the relationship.

• 53:07Martha Higareda?

  It's just that you probably have to make a little bit more of an effort to communicate in the other person's love language. But it happens all the time. I hear stories, I told you that that when I was in in middle school and in high school. Part of college, I would hang out with a lot of guys. I would had a traumatic event when I was a little girl. And my two best girlfriends passed. And so then, after that, I was just hanging out with guys. For a long time until I healed that part and now have a good group of friends. But when when I started realizing these things, one of my friends, I remember, he said. I just, she doesn't know what to do. She thinks I don't love her.

• 53:50Martha Higareda?

  But here I am, you know, I took her on this trip. And I took her on this experience and I took her on this thing and I, you know, if if she needs something in the middle of the night, I go and I'm there for her. So clearly, his love language is actions, right? So then what happens? She says, I I don't feel like he loves me because he never tells me how beautiful I look. You know, I'm wearing this dress he bought me and I'm like parading myself in front of him and he doesn't say anything. And he never tells me I love you, he never tells me, well, he is with his actions, but you're not receiving it because your love language. Is words of affirmation.

• 54:28Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 54:29Martha Higareda?

  So then. Once you know yours, that's why knowing yourself is so important.

• 54:33Lewis Howes?

  It just causes more friction. It doesn't mean the relationship can't work, but I think what we've tried to do is make sure we're in alignment with as much things as possible. And accepting the other person's values, vision and lifestyle and also saying, okay, am I in alignment with it? And maybe sometimes I don't want to do certain things, but I've accepted who you are and I'm okay with certain things. That I do them, right? And vice versa. As opposed to being like, wow, I really don't like these seventeen things that you like doing. Or your your values around this thing, or whatever it might be, but I'm gonna give in. Without really truly accepting it. That's when there's more friction, I think. So.

• 55:18Lewis Howes?

  I think we've gotten really fortunate in being aligned. But I also think that, you know. We've both spent twenty years in multiple relationships. Where we we we learned and made mistakes and did things where, okay, we we've got a lot of wisdom now. And I've told you many times that if I got into like a relationship in my early twenties and got married, there's, I don't think there's any way. That I would have been able to make it work if it if we got in a relationship where it was out of alignment.

• 55:48Martha Higareda?

  Yeah.

• 55:49Lewis Howes?

  From the start.

• 55:49Martha Higareda?

  Mm hmm.

• 55:50Lewis Howes?

  Like, we just got married because I was like, oh, I love you and this is amazing and we're having this chemistry. And I got married without getting clear on are we aligned on our values, our vision, our lifestyle and. And all these other things. I don't know if I would have had the skills or the willpower or the emotional intelligence. To navigate a healthy marriage. I just don't think I could have done it. And I'm not saying I'm making an excuse. I just don't think I was capable of that. And it's probably why I was so afraid of commitment in my twenties. Because I was like, ah, I don't want to mess this up. Um, but I think a lot of people jump. Into commitment and then into marriage. Without a hundred percent honesty and authenticity around who they are. What they want now and what they're planning and intending for the future.

• 56:36Lewis Howes?

  So what is a question that women can ask men? What are the specific questions they can ask? To where they can get more information out of them to see if it's a right alignment or match?

• 56:49Martha Higareda?

  I think, oof, it's so important.

• 56:51Lewis Howes?

  And obviously you gotta listen, obviously you gotta listen to the person to have discernment.

• 56:54Martha Higareda?

  Yeah.

• 56:55Lewis Howes?

  When you're listening, because a lot of guys could skirt around it or be a little inauthentic. Or, you know, potentially lie to not tell you the wrong thing and make sure they don't hurt you. So how do you have the intuition also to hear and feel this is authentic?

• 57:10Martha Higareda?

  Yeah, I think, I think the, one of the things that is. The thing that I used to do when I was in my twenties is that. When you are on the first few dates, you usually talk a lot about yourself. You want the other person to fall in love with you. So you share, share, share, share, share so much information. And because you want to be liked. I'd say now, I would say. Get as much information as you can from the other person. It's amazing to meet someone new and it's amazing to get to know their stories. And in the way they tell you their stories and how they tell you their stories, you're gonna find information. So for example, it's not the same when you meet a guy who has cheated in the past.

• 57:54Martha Higareda?

  Who tells you that he cheated because the woman was crazy. If a guy tells you he cheated because the woman was crazy, that's a guy that has not healed. He has not taken responsibility of his own actions. But if he tells you, listen, this is what happened. There's two sides of the story. This is her story, this is my story, and this is what happened. Then, and what do you learn? Like asking questions like this, so what do you learn? Or not even asking that question, just wait to see if he tells you what did he learn or she learned? Well, I learned that I was out of integrity and that's the worst thing I can do to myself. Because then I lose self-love, I learned that I hurt another human being, that I betrayed someone else. And in that process, I also betrayed myself.

• 58:39Martha Higareda?

  Oh, that's a person that has learned the lesson. So pay attention in not only the story, but how they tell you the story. Like, I think that's a very important one. And, um, and listen to them and believe them. Again, it's this thing, like, believe what they're saying. So like, another question, I think, things like this should be asked sooner. And most of my girlfriends say, I don't wanna scare away the guy. But, don't ask the guy, do you see, like, do you, like, would you wanna marry me? Or, do you, do you see us having children? Don't ask those questions. If you, on the first month, you're seeing yourself already having children with that guy, there's something wrong with you.

• 59:22Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 59:23Martha Higareda?

  You don't know him yet.

• 59:24Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 59:24Martha Higareda?

  You don't know him. How can you think you're gonna have children with this man that you've known for one month?

• 59:30Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 59:32Martha Higareda?

  Really? No. It's your children you're talking about. Take your time.

• 59:37Lewis Howes?

  It's the rest of your life.

• 59:37Martha Higareda?

  It's your life. And then if it doesn't work, it's co-parenting with that stranger that you met for one month? And you're already thinking that way? No.

• 59:46Lewis Howes?

  What about when people say, you know what? We met each other and we got married within a week or within a month. We just, we just knew. And, uh, you know, maybe there are some cases where that ends up, you guys can stay together for a long time and have a healthy relationship in life. But, most of the time, it probably doesn't work out. And why do you think jumping into a long-term committed lifelong, uh, commitment after a week or a month of knowing someone is probably not the healthiest thing to do? And where does it come from when someone wants to commit? Cause they feel like, I just know, this is my soulmate and my person. After a day, a week, a month, this is it. And we're gonna have this incredible life together.

• 1:00:28Lewis Howes?

  What is happening from that place of knowing that quickly that this is my person for life? And let's have, let's have, get married and have babies now?

• 1:00:38Martha Higareda?

  That, I think that's, that's a little bit insane to me. I think that has a lot to do with movies. I think that has a lot to do with codependency and you complete me type of feeling. I, you know, this, but there's a person in my life that on day two. He told me, you're gonna think I'm crazy, I love you. Same person that was banging on that door, acting crazy. I'm not saying he was crazy, I'm just saying that, how can you say to somebody, or somebody can say to you, I love you on date two, if you actually don't know them? You can say, I like you. Maybe that's what they mean.

• 1:01:13Lewis Howes?

  I'm interested in you. I like who you are.

• 1:01:16Martha Higareda?

  Yeah, or I'm fascinated by you, or I feel so attracted to you, that's good. Maybe that's what they mean. Now, going to the story of that, my dad saw my mom, and he said, I like that woman for the seventh children of my mom, which is him. He's the seventh children, right? And he, but he didn't think that's the woman I'm gonna marry. He said, I like that woman for me, I like her. And when I have conversations, my parents have been married for forty something years. When I have conversations with them, I say, what, you got married, you were nineteen, and my mom was, you know, it's the opposite, my dad was twenty and my mom was nineteen.

• 1:01:58Lewis Howes?

  So young.

• 1:01:58Martha Higareda?

  How did you, you were so young, how did you do that? Like, how did you do that? And my mom is a very smart woman, and she said, I listened to my grandma, and I followed everything she told me. So, which is, I had the hard conversations with your dad.

• 1:02:13Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:02:14Martha Higareda?

  Way before we got married. And my mom, all of my life, told me, love is a choice. This thing that kids say, oh my god, I feel this chemistry, she said, nah. Love is a choice. And you choose to love every day. And you choose me every day. And I choose you every day.

• 1:02:35Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:36Martha Higareda?

  Which is why, it's so beautiful when you think about

• 1:02:42Martha Higareda?

  this idea of And this reality of like freedom in the relationship. And this myth of safety. You know, there's a lot of people out there that that feel like, and a lot of women, I gotta say, and I was one of them. That you you feel like, oh, I wanna feel safe in this relationship. I wanna I wanna be engaged. I wanna be married and once I get engaged, once I get married, then I'll feel safe.

• 1:03:11Lewis Howes?

  Why do women want that type of safety? And why do they try to control the idea of safety in their man? By controlling a timeline, by controlling a financial situation, by controlling how they react or respond to you, or what they need to do for you daily so you feel safe? Why is there this need of control or this false sense of safety? That some women tend to have?

• 1:03:38Lewis Howes?

  And can they actually create safety in that way?

• 1:03:43Martha Higareda?

  No. You cannot create safety in that way. What happens is that we are taught in life that once you get the ring, you're safe. Once you get married, you're safe.

• 1:03:56Lewis Howes?

  Once you have the home.

• 1:03:58Martha Higareda?

  Once you have the home, you're safe. No. You are the only person that can make you feel safe. You cannot leave your safety to the other guys. Like you, Louis, I love you very much, but I can never leave my sense of safety in your hands.

• 1:04:15Lewis Howes?

  In my hands, cuz then what? What happens if you do that?

• 1:04:20Martha Higareda?

  Cuz then if you quote unquote fail me in this or this. Then I don't feel safe, then I'm gonna wanna get back my safety. And how am I gonna get back my safety by trying to control you and the way you behave? Because I'm the one that's not safe, you know? So I was talking to a girlfriend in Mexico. That she was telling me, you know, I feel very insecure about my boyfriend's ex-girlfriends because they've all been so much more beautiful than I am. And she was asking for my advice. And I was like, okay, well, tell me more about this. She's like, yeah, you know, the other day I felt. Really anxious because we were going to go to this party. And one of the exes was going to be there.

• 1:05:05Martha Higareda?

  And uh, and then it so happened to be that I was going to go to, you know, and she had something to do that day. So she couldn't go to the party, but it was a work party. So he had to go, no matter what.

• 1:05:15Lewis Howes?

  He was gonna be there and his ex would be there.

• 1:05:16Martha Higareda?

  So the ex was going to be there. And so then she was feeling so insecure because what if the spark comes to life again? Right? And she was like, and I don't feel safe. And so, and I understand the feeling. You know, I can understand the feeling because I have felt like that in the past. Before I did a lot of work in therapy and, and healed a lot of my inner childhood wounds. Um, but that's why it makes me, I understand the feeling. And I said, so, so what, what do you wanna do? Well, I'm thinking about canceling all these things that I have for work. So then I can go to the party. So then therefore you can be there. So you can control and you can see what's happening. So therefore you can feel safe, right? Yes.

• 1:06:01Martha Higareda?

  I said, well, let's look at what's behind that safety. Like, why is it that you don't feel safe?

• 1:06:08Martha Higareda?

  You know, what is it? Well, I don't know. I think, have you ever thought about the possibility that it has to do with? It's just like, it's just that I love him very much. I said, yes, you do. And you're a wonderful woman. But perhaps you are controlling. And there's no way you can control what he does. And when he does it, or how he does it, ever. The only thing you can control is yourself. That's the only thing you can do in your life, in anything. Cause, cause the beauty about human beings is that are non-controllable. And because your man is non-controllable, is why you take care of it every day.

• 1:06:48Lewis Howes?

  You invest in it, yeah.

• 1:06:48Martha Higareda?

  You invest in him every day.

• 1:06:50Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. And if he was like, went to this party alone and had a spark with his ex-girlfriend or whatever, then it probably doesn't mean he was the right guy for you. If he's gonna re- Get so easily sparked from one conversation and think, ah, I wanna go be with this person, then you don't wanna be with someone who's not committed and investing in their relationship. Or who's easily persuaded somewhere else.

• 1:07:11Martha Higareda?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:12Lewis Howes?

  That easily from one conversation.

• 1:07:13Martha Higareda?

  Then you save yourself a lot of time.

• 1:07:15Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:07:16Martha Higareda?

  Because then that guy.

• 1:07:17Lewis Howes?

  Would eventually do that.

• 1:07:19Martha Higareda?

  It would, exactly. And so, but I wanted to go deeper.

• 1:07:22Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:23Martha Higareda?

  And I wanted to say, okay, so but let's go seriously, let's find what's going on underneath. Like, why do you feel so insecure about your guys' exes? Cause they were all supermodels, right? Okay, so what's underneath? And she finally got it. And she goes, it's just that I feel like I'm not enough.

• 1:07:40Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 1:07:42Martha Higareda?

  So I said, okay, so what part of you is trying to control your man? Because you feel you are not enough. So what's gonna happen is, you're gonna continue act this jealous, you know, cause she's she behaves like she's jealous, a jealous person, right? So she behaves controlling. And she's insecure. And she's asking him all the questions every day. What do you do? Who do you do it with? What happened? All the time. And what's gonna end up happening is, is that your guy is gonna start sensing that every day, or almost every day, you are not happy. And a man, and you tell me if I'm wrong. But a guy is wired to wanna make you feel happy. To wanna make you feel great.

• 1:08:27Martha Higareda?

  To wanna make you be in your feminine energy, joyful, you know, like loving, nurturing, all these different things. And when he sees that you're upset at him, or that you're upset cause of something, he's gonna wanna try to make you happy. And then the next day, that you cannot control, the next thing that you cannot control happens the next day. So what's gonna happen to that guy? You tell me. He's gonna try to make her happy.

• 1:08:55Lewis Howes?

  Of course.

• 1:08:56Martha Higareda?

  And he's gonna, what's gonna happen? He's gonna start getting more and more frustrated.

• 1:08:59Lewis Howes?

  And if you're never happy, he's gonna feel like he's failing in the relationship.

• 1:09:01Martha Higareda?

  He's failing because he's wired to make you wanna be happy.

• 1:09:05Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:09:05Martha Higareda?

  So he will feel he's failing. He will make it about himself. I am not good enough for her.

• 1:09:10Lewis Howes?

  Right. I'm not enough. She's never happy.

• 1:09:12Martha Higareda?

  I'm not enough.

• 1:09:12Lewis Howes?

  I don't know what I need to do to make her happy. I give her this, I buy her this, I take care of this. I call her twenty times a day and she's still not happy.

• 1:09:19Martha Higareda?

  It's because it's never enough.

• 1:09:20Lewis Howes?

  Exactly.

• 1:09:21Martha Higareda?

  And when the reality is that you feel you are not enough. And no matter what your boyfriend will do to try to make you happy. If you don't feel you are enough.

• 1:09:32Lewis Howes?

  I mean, it's just, it just becomes exhausting. Insecurity and jealousy will ruin a relationship long term. Maybe in the beginning, it seems like cute or like, oh, this person really cares about me. They're like jealous or whatever, or they're a little like worried or insecure or something. That might seem cute in the first few months. But it becomes exhausting.

• 1:09:51Martha Higareda?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:51Lewis Howes?

  Over time. Cause you start to say, I give this person over and over again. I'm investing in them, I'm giving to them, I'm writing them love letters. I tell them how sweet they are, I'm buying them flowers, whatever it is. And they still get jealous and insecure. What will it take to get them to not be jealous and secure? Nothing from the person. They need to learn how to be.

• 1:10:11Martha Higareda?

  Inside themselves.

• 1:10:12Lewis Howes?

  Complete and safe and secure with who they are in the relationship.

• 1:10:16Martha Higareda?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:17Lewis Howes?

  And that's why you've really gotta ask yourself, do we align? Do we match?

• 1:10:24Martha Higareda?

  Questions, the big questions, right? And how to ask them because, you know, again, you don't wanna scare the guy and say, uh, do you see yourself? You say, you ask them like this, do you? Because you're getting to know him, right? So you don't see your, you don't see marrying that guy if you're sane. Really?

• 1:10:43Lewis Howes?

  You don't fall in love in two days.

• 1:10:44Martha Higareda?

  You don't fall in love in two days. So you're getting to know this guy. And so you don't say that. You say, do you see yourself married in the future?

• 1:10:55Lewis Howes?

  One day, yeah.

• 1:10:56Martha Higareda?

  In the future?

• 1:10:57Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:57Martha Higareda?

  Did you see yourself with kids in the future?

• 1:10:59Lewis Howes?

  Not with me.

• 1:11:00Martha Higareda?

  No, not with you. You don't have the wedding dress in your trunk.

• 1:11:04Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:04Martha Higareda?

  No. So do you see yourself?

• 1:11:07Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I think that's interesting. Yeah, you asked a lot of good questions early on and one of them was, you asked me that question, like, do you see yourself getting married and having kids? And I remember being like. Well, I'm gonna be honest because I haven't felt a hundred percent sure in the past, but it's because I didn't feel safe in relationships. And I always felt trapped or I felt like, could I really trust this person long term? And you know, and it was all from a wound of my parents and stuff like that. But you asked it in a way like, was curiosity, do you see yourself doing this? And I said, and I was honest, I was like, well, I haven't fully, but yes, I see with the right environment and the right partner where I feel safe, where I feel free in a relationship to be myself.

• 1:11:48Martha Higareda?

  Exactly.

• 1:11:49Lewis Howes?

  And based on that, you were like, okay, yeah, that makes sense. But me saying, well, I haven't really fully felt that in the past, didn't scare you.

• 1:11:56Martha Higareda?

  No.

• 1:11:56Lewis Howes?

  You were like, okay, that's information about he didn't have the right partnerships, but it doesn't mean he's not against it.

• 1:12:02Martha Higareda?

  Exactly.

• 1:12:03Lewis Howes?

  If I would've said like, no, I never want kids, I never want marriage, that's not for me, you probably would've said, okay, great, well, this isn't the right relationship.

• 1:12:10Martha Higareda?

  You're a great friend. I actually remember the conversation because it was like, we had many different conversations. There was one that I remember.

• 1:12:19Martha Higareda?

  How was it? I remember saying to you something.

• 1:12:22Lewis Howes?

  That was one of the first.

• 1:12:23Martha Higareda?

  I'm gonna ask you, I said, I'm gonna ask you two questions.

• 1:12:26Lewis Howes?

  I remember, exactly.

• 1:12:27Martha Higareda?

  And depending on the answer, we can continue, you know, seeing each other romantically, or we're just gonna be great friends. And by the way, it's gonna be an amazing, like amazing friendship. I remember that because the way we were getting to know each other, it was not with the goal of.

• 1:12:43Lewis Howes?

  No, it was exploring and having fun and connecting.

• 1:12:46Martha Higareda?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 1:12:47Lewis Howes?

  Fun and freeing and just like exploring each other as human beings.

• 1:12:52Martha Higareda?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:53Lewis Howes?

  It was beautiful. And you asked me that question and I remember thinking, oh, shoot, what is she gonna ask me? And you were like, do you see yourself? Because you were like, based on this answer, we, we may not essentially hang out in the same way anymore.

• 1:13:06Martha Higareda?

  We've been, I don't know, hanging out for a little bit.

• 1:13:08Lewis Howes?

  A month and a half maybe?

• 1:13:09Martha Higareda?

  Like a month and a half or something like that, yeah.

• 1:13:11Lewis Howes?

  And I was like, oh, man, I kind of got sad because I was like, oh, shoot, I don't even know if I want you to ask me this question because I didn't want to lie to you.

• 1:13:17Martha Higareda?

  I know, but it was important for me to.

• 1:13:18Lewis Howes?

  I remember thinking like, uh, maybe tell me this tomorrow. You know, let's just enjoy the night. Like, uh, let's just hang out and like not spoil the moment. And I remember it was kind of sad because I was like, oh shoot, I want to be a hundred percent authentic to who I am. And hopefully, she's not going to ask me something where I'm saying the truth and my truth. And she's like, that's not what I want. And we'll have to stop this. And that's a scary thing for a lot of people. And I think it takes a lot of courage to say, oh, man, here's an amazing human being that's in front of me. That we've had this great month, or two weeks, or six weeks, so much fun. And I don't want this to end. And so then, sometimes people will give in

• 1:14:02Lewis Howes?

  to make the joy and the fun and the excitement continue. They'll give in, or they'll hide some things, or hold back on some of the truth. Because they don't want to let the person down.

• 1:14:10Martha Higareda?

  But they're doing it a service to themselves.

• 1:14:12Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, and yeah, they're abandoning themselves.

• 1:14:14Martha Higareda?

  And the relationship.

• 1:14:14Lewis Howes?

  And the future is going to make it harder, because then you got to deal with the truth at some point.

• 1:14:19Martha Higareda?

  Because it's going to come out, no matter what.

• 1:14:20Lewis Howes?

  After a year, two years, whatever, eventually it's going to come out.

• 1:14:23Martha Higareda?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:24Lewis Howes?

  And that, and if it comes out sooner than, if it comes out early, sometimes people can can manage the truth earlier because of the authenticity of it.

• 1:14:34Martha Higareda?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:34Lewis Howes?

  Unless it's a deal breaker on something like kids and marriage. But if they're like, huh, I didn't like that this thing happened, but they were honest about it early on. They can say, I respect that, I respect it. Maybe if you would have held this in a year and told me, then it's a deal breaker.

• 1:14:50Martha Higareda?

  But can you imagine the anxiety, like not asking these questions until a year after?

• 1:14:55Lewis Howes?

  Oh, that'd be crazy. Well, that's what most people do.

• 1:14:57Martha Higareda?

  Exactly.

• 1:14:58Lewis Howes?

  And they they wait because they don't want to ruffle the feathers. And so you asked me that, and I told you, yes, with the right person and the right foundation and, you know, and I can't commit to that right now, knowing you for.

• 1:15:11Martha Higareda?

  Oh, you didn't, because we didn't make, you didn't make it about me.

• 1:15:13Lewis Howes?

  Right. But I was just like, I wouldn't be able to do this. Unless I had time and energy and like really exploring someone for a period of time, where I felt safe and free to be authentically me and not judged or made wrong.

• 1:15:25Martha Higareda?

  And for me, that answer was great because I've, in my experience of life, I have felt not safe to have children with other people.

• 1:15:33Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:34Martha Higareda?

  So that makes sense to me.

• 1:15:35Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 1:15:36Martha Higareda?

  Because it's similar to my answer.

• 1:15:38Lewis Howes?

  Exactly. You asked me a number of questions early on where I was like, okay, I'm gonna be fully authentic and honest, but we may not be friends anymore or be in this relationship anymore.

• 1:15:50Lewis Howes?

  And one of them was, Louis, what's your priorities? It was like a conversation around priorities in life.

• 1:15:55Martha Higareda?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:15:56Lewis Howes?

  And, and you said something like...

• 1:15:58Martha Higareda?

  It was, it was like this.

• 1:15:59Lewis Howes?

  Go ahead.

• 1:16:01Martha Higareda?

  We were talking about, in general, about, you know, this thing about how some people are not completely honest and they, if they're not honest, then later the honesty, you know, the, whatever, the truth comes out.

• 1:16:14Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:16:15Martha Higareda?

  And about truths, we were talking about truths. And I was telling you that I was loving how authentic you are.

• 1:16:22Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:16:23Martha Higareda?

  And that's amazing. For me, it was like the way you show up to our relationships and the way you show up to people and the way you show up in life. You're so authentic and I love that. And so you said, well, I'm gonna tell you something that I think this one is really, really gonna make you run away.

• 1:16:39Lewis Howes?

  You also said, what's your priorities in life? You asked me a question about priorities.

• 1:16:43Martha Higareda?

  What's your priorities in life? And I'll tell you why that one was important.

• 1:16:46Lewis Howes?

  And I was like, oh shit, I didn't want this question to happen right now. Go ahead.

• 1:16:50Martha Higareda?

  And then you said?

• 1:16:52Lewis Howes?

  Well, why, why did you ask this question? Why was it important for you?

• 1:16:55Martha Higareda?

  So this question was very important for me because in the past,

• 1:17:01Martha Higareda?

  I had been in relationships in which, how do I explain this?

• 1:17:08Martha Higareda?

  You know this, I'm an actor, I'm a producer, I'm a writer. I read my first inspirational book when I was nine years old.

• 1:17:17Martha Higareda?

  And then the second one at nine years old, the third one at nine years old, I was like into all of that world and wanted to. So very early in my life, I found my burning desire. I I knew very early in my life that I wanted to be an actor and that I wanted to eventually make movies. And so then, whenever I started dating my first boyfriend, I would ask, you know, what is your burning desire? What is that thing that you wake up in the morning and you just have to do, you just really have to do it? Because it makes you feel great and it makes you feel in service, or it makes you feel in, you know, whatever that is. And in the past, I've had relationships in which they would say, "You."

• 1:18:04Martha Higareda?

  And I would say, "Don't tell me that."

• 1:18:06Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:07Martha Higareda?

  "Don't tell me it's me, because that's a huge responsibility."

• 1:18:11Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:11Martha Higareda?

  And this is being coached by my mom, right? I was fifteen and asking these questions, because my mom always said, "If a guy tells you this, that's not necessarily the best. This is a huge responsibility." So I would ask this, and when they would say, "You," I would feel there was something wrong.

• 1:18:29Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:18:30Martha Higareda?

  So then, I ask you that question.

• 1:18:32Lewis Howes?

  You asked me, yeah, you asked me like, I don't remember when this was, maybe two months in, I don't know. What was it? Kind of around this.

• 1:18:40Martha Higareda?

  Probably, yeah.

• 1:18:41Lewis Howes?

  Around this time, like two months of like dating.

• 1:18:43Martha Higareda?

  Yeah. And also, I wanted to say, and then, or if they say, "I don't know."

• 1:18:50Martha Higareda?

  For me.

• 1:18:51Lewis Howes?

  What my burning desire, my dream is.

• 1:18:53Martha Higareda?

  Your burning desire, your dream is, that thing that you need to do, that you're here for. If they would say, "I don't know," for me, I learned in my experience that I broke up with one of my boyfriends, my, we kind of broke up together. It wasn't like I broke up with him. Because I was acting and doing my thing, and he was like.

• 1:19:16Martha Higareda?

  I just, I don't have my thing. And I don't know what that is.

• 1:19:21Lewis Howes?

  That's hard, yeah, it's hard. So you asked me this question, you know, what are your priorities? And I remember saying to you, at this point, I was like, well, based on what I'm gonna say, I don't know if you're gonna wanna date me after this.

• 1:19:33Martha Higareda?

  Yeah, you said that.

• 1:19:34Lewis Howes?

  So it's kinda, you said this already in a previous conversation about like marriage and kids. Do I see myself in the future around this? And then this was maybe a few weeks later about priorities. And I go, oh shoot, did you have to ask me this? Because I gotta be honest. I don't wanna be inauthentic. I wanna be full integrity. But I've never experienced a person before where I told them my priorities and they felt good about it. They didn't feel good. And so therefore I felt I was failing because they were not happy. And so when I told you.

• 1:20:05Martha Higareda?

  They were not happy.

• 1:20:06Lewis Howes?

  They were not happy with my priorities, yes.

• 1:20:08Martha Higareda?

  And with your, with your truth.

• 1:20:10Lewis Howes?

  My truth of my priorities.

• 1:20:11Martha Higareda?

  Which is crazy to think.

• 1:20:12Lewis Howes?

  So I felt like, okay, well, let me minimize my priorities so you feel better about the relationship. Anyways, so you asked me the priorities question, the, the big question that every man hears at some point from a woman they're dating, what are your priorities? And I said, I'm gonna tell you, but I don't think you're gonna like this. And I don't think you can handle the truth. Are you sure you want the truth? I said something like that. And you said, yeah, I wanted the truth. I go, you sure? I think I asked you like three or four times, are you sure?

• 1:20:40Martha Higareda?

  Your truth was the most valuable thing.

• 1:20:43Lewis Howes?

  And you said, please. And I go, I just don't know if you'll be able to accept it. And you're not gonna like me.

• 1:20:47Martha Higareda?

  I'm thinking crazy things.

• 1:20:48Lewis Howes?

  I know, what's he gonna, yeah, exactly.

• 1:20:52Lewis Howes?

  And I said, okay, well, my number one priority in life is my health. And, and making sure I take time and importance to take care of my health first. Spiritual, mental, physical, emotional, everything. And making sure that I have time during the day to do that for me. That doesn't mean I need 10 hours a day of my health, but I need to invest time daily in this. And if I feel like that's being pulled away from me or not supported. Then there's gonna be a problem. And I said, no woman wants to hear that they're not the number one priority. At least from my experience, no woman wants to not

• 1:21:27Martha Higareda?

  Except for me.

• 1:21:28Lewis Howes?

  Be the number one priority.

• 1:21:29Martha Higareda?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:30Lewis Howes?

  And then I said, and you're not gonna be the number two priority, but let me give you context.

• 1:21:35Martha Higareda?

  I remember.

• 1:21:35Lewis Howes?

  So people don't take this out of context. Said, number two priority needs to be my mission. The thing that I'm driven to do, the thing that lights me up, the thing that I feel I'm called from my Creator to bring out in the world, my creation, my service, my mission. And right now, I've got a big mission. Maybe that changes in the future into a different season of life, but that's not changing anytime soon. That needs to be a huge focus of time and energy towards that. And I don't wanna be pulled away from it because in the past, I had been pulled away. I'm not blaming other people. I allowed those people to pull me away from it, but I felt like I had to pull away to make someone feel happier. And so I was like, I don't wanna live in authentically anymore.

• 1:22:19Lewis Howes?

  I'm gonna spend a lot of my time and energy on my mission. And I was very clear on what my mission was for you. And I said, no woman wants to hear they're not the number one or two priority.

• 1:22:29Martha Higareda?

  Meanwhile.

• 1:22:30Lewis Howes?

  And then I said.

• 1:22:31Martha Higareda?

  I was smiling.

• 1:22:32Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, and then I said, my third priority, this is before we were like committed or exclusive in a relationship.

• 1:22:38Martha Higareda?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:38Lewis Howes?

  And I was like, my third priority will be my partner. And investing time and energy in my partner and making sure that they are a top priority. But if number one and two is taken care of and supported and seen and celebrated, my partner will feel like the number one priority. They will feel like the most important thing. They will feel they have everything they need. And I think that's the context I wanna create for people. It's taking care of my health and energy first, so I have more energy to take care of the thing that lights me up the most, the mission that I feel called to do. And from there, then I can be very joyful and present and giving and creative and fun.

• 1:23:18Martha Higareda?

  And you do, that's the thing.

• 1:23:19Lewis Howes?

  And all these things when we're together. And, and I can feel peace, taking care of my health and a peace when I'm at my work. And I don't have to feel stressed that you need me for something. And when I said that, um, how did that conversation make you feel when I said these things about priorities?

• 1:23:40Martha Higareda?

  Well, specifically for me, for me, it made me feel good. Because I was like, oh my God, this is amazing to me. Because again, going back to if you are that guy's number one priority, it's a huge responsibility. It's almost like saying, you know, that, that thing like you complete me or I wanna make you happy. And like, you don't make me happy, Louis. You make me happier. It's true.

• 1:24:11Lewis Howes?

  It's true.

• 1:24:12Martha Higareda?

  You make me super happy. So that's what like, you know what I mean? It's like, so for me is,

• 1:24:19Martha Higareda?

  because if the other person fails you and it was your number one priority, or you do something that some whatever crushes their heart or something, oh, the whole world collapses.

• 1:24:30Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:24:31Martha Higareda?

  So it cannot, for me, again, this is for me, there are all types of different models and paradigms. But in the paradigm that I'm in, it's not necessarily that romantic. It's not the things that you hear in movies. Like if you in a movie, in a romantic comedy, you hear a guy saying, you're not gonna be my number one priority. You're not gonna be my two, you're gonna be my third.

• 1:24:50Lewis Howes?

  That's not romantic.

• 1:24:52Martha Higareda?

  That's like, that's, this sounds almost anti-romantic, but it sounds very healthy.

• 1:24:56Lewis Howes?

  It does sound healthy.

• 1:24:57Martha Higareda?

  It's super healthy. Because then I know for a fact, if you're not taking care of yourself, how can you take care of me? It's like in the airplane, right? If you don't take your mask and breathe, how are you gonna give your mask to your children?

• 1:25:10Lewis Howes?

  And I think, and I think there's. I think there's a lot of women who have lived by this role of like making everyone else the priority first. You see, you see, you know, certain married women who have husbands and children, where they put their husband and their kids before them and before their own, you know, passions or dreams as well. And so they quiet their voice, they quiet their dreams to serve others only. And a big part of fulfillment is in service to other people. It's one of my core things is being in service. To my team, to my mission, my friends, my family, and to you.

• 1:25:53Martha Higareda?

  And you are.

• 1:25:54Lewis Howes?

  But, but it's, of course.

• 1:25:55Martha Higareda?

  I'm a witness to it.

• 1:25:56Lewis Howes?

  But if I discount my own service to my health and discount service to my dreams, then I'm not gonna be, I'm gonna lose my voice, I'm gonna lose my health. And I'm not gonna be as authentic or I'm not gonna be as attractive in life as a human being, not in a sexual term, but in an attractive wholeness term, because I'm not gonna be as healthy, and I feel like I'm discounting myself and just giving to everyone else. So in some ways, there's a, an appreciation from others, but if you're not giving to yourself what you need and from your creator, what you feel like you need to do in life right now, then you're doing a disservice to you. And I think that becomes less attractive over time.

• 1:26:40Lewis Howes?

  And that's where you see challenges in relationships after a long time. Oh, she's a great mother, but she doesn't take care of herself, and she just abandoned herself to give to, to everyone else. But then she becomes less attractive, or he, you know, something like that.

• 1:26:54Martha Higareda?

  My parents have a beautiful, a beautiful way to put this, um, that I learned. They say, "We are two individuals that we chose to share our lives together," right? So my mom is her whole self, my dad is her whole self. And they decided to share their lives together. Once they share their lives together, they, they call it the pyramid model. So they say God is above all the way, and it's the thread that's through the entire pyramid.

• 1:27:29Martha Higareda?

  You and I, meaning mom and dad, are the top of this pyramid. They're the top of this. And so, we come first to each other in that. But we already addressed the individual part. You, your health, your purpose, mission, your partner, right?

• 1:27:45Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:27:45Martha Higareda?

  Now, we're together. And so, then comes the kids. Then comes the family, the rest of the...

• 1:27:53Lewis Howes?

  The dogs, the pets.

• 1:27:54Martha Higareda?

  The dogs, the pets, the family. Then, whatever, the extended family, then the friends, then the community. So, it starts getting bigger and bigger because it includes more and more and more people. But, a lot of people have disagreements in a relationship because the husband or the wife put the kids first.

• 1:28:13Lewis Howes?

  What happens when you put the kids before your partner?

• 1:28:16Martha Higareda?

  A lot of resentment gets built. And also, you're not necessarily giving a good example to the children. Because what happens is you start creating teams. So like, you know, that parent that says, "Hey, don't tell your mom, but we're gonna do this thing." You can't do that. Because you're saying your dad, or your mom, your mom is not as important. I'm the one that's the good guy. And inside that little brain, you create a fracture little by little. Or speaking badly about your partner to your children. You start fracturing their personality.

• 1:28:48Lewis Howes?

  Right. It's a good thing you're gonna be disciplining the kids.

• 1:28:55Lewis Howes?

  I'm just gonna be the fun one that does no disciplining.

• 1:28:59Martha Higareda?

  But I, I think it's a good model because, and we've discussed it many, many times.

• 1:29:04Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:29:04Martha Higareda?

  But, again, these conversations are very good to have when you're getting to know the other person. You know, what are your thoughts about spirituality, religion? What are your thoughts about politics? What are your thoughts about? And most people say, "Don't bring that up because you create arguments." By all means, bring it up. Because the least of these disagreements you have, the more...

• 1:29:28Martha Higareda?

  You know what I'm gonna say?

• 1:29:29Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah. Well, I just think it's...

• 1:29:31Martha Higareda?

  Like eighty percent of the success is who you choose, right? Of the relationship.

• 1:29:36Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, and I think if you can choose alignment in the beginning, or get everything out on the table earlier than later, and say, "Do we align?", and if you don't, can you say, "Do I accept?". And if I accept, knowing this is who they're gonna be forever, do I align with accepting that? And maybe they don't want to raise kids a certain way, and that's out of alignment with your values. But could you see it from their perspective and say, "Okay, it's not what I truly want, but I will, I'm willing to accept this, because I see eighty percent of everything else

• 1:30:11Martha Higareda?

  Yes.

• 1:30:12Lewis Howes?

  is so beautiful, that this one thing, maybe it's more of a control thing, or maybe it's a thing that I was just raised with, that I felt like I wanted to do, but I'm okay with letting the control go on this one thing. And can I accept her or him, that this may be how it always is, and am I okay with that? And if I'm not okay with that, then maybe you're not the right match, and that's okay too. But that's hard, once you've found a connection, and you know, some certain capabilities, and chemistry with someone, it's hard to be like, "Well, maybe I'm gonna walk away." Or can you create agreements? So I'd be like, "We've done a great job of, we've been blessed that we have a lot of alignment."

• 1:30:53Martha Higareda?

  Yeah.

• 1:30:54Lewis Howes?

  Then we've also had a lot of acceptance, where fully accepting of certain things that you were raised in certain ways that I wasn't, and we had some things we were similar. And I accept it, and I think you accept me for not needing to be a certain way that you were growing up or something.

• 1:31:10Martha Higareda?

  Yeah.

• 1:31:11Lewis Howes?

  And then we've also created a lot of agreements around any things that could be...

• 1:31:18Lewis Howes?

  Misunderstandings or potential frustrations in the future or potential arguments.

• 1:31:22Martha Higareda?

  Because they're going to happen.

• 1:31:23Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, and we create agreements consistently. So I think first seeing are you in alignment? Then seeing can you create acceptance if there's something you don't want? Can you accept them? If not, can you create agreements to support how you're going to address something that's not in total alignment? And when you can do those, I feel like you can create much more harmony in the relationship.

• 1:31:45Martha Higareda?

  I love our agreements. And we're constantly creating agreements. You know, like the other day, I made a phone call about some trip that I wanted to do that you were aware of, but you were not aware of. That I literally got on the phone at that one moment, right? And you kind of felt like I threw you under the bus because you didn't know who you were talking to, but at the same time, you needed to support me in the phone call. And after the whole conversation happened and we hung up, I was like, hey, oops. It's true. And I was like, oh, maybe we can make the agreement that you're like, I want to support you to succeed. You said this.

• 1:32:24Lewis Howes?

  But if I'm in the dark and I don't know what I'm talking about, just give me context beforehand.

• 1:32:28Martha Higareda?

  Just give me context before you make a phone call.

• 1:32:29Lewis Howes?

  Before you make a call really quick because you're excited.

• 1:32:31Martha Higareda?

  And it totally makes sense, right? So then to me, it's like, but you start making these agreements, that's an agreement. We don't talk about anything deep or

• 1:32:40Lewis Howes?

  Intense.

• 1:32:41Martha Higareda?

  Intense or anything after like 11:00 PM.

• 1:32:44Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:32:45Martha Higareda?

  Really.

• 1:32:45Lewis Howes?

  Specifically when we get in bed.

• 1:32:47Martha Higareda?

  Yeah.

• 1:32:47Lewis Howes?

  Because I cannot be my best self and therefore it's going to take so much energy for me to be focused and present. And I'm setting myself up for failure. So I want to be present for you in challenging or maybe like uncomfortable conversations. But when I'm exhausted and put my head down and I'm already thinking about sleep, I don't want to have to wake back up to be present. So we made that early on.

• 1:33:09Martha Higareda?

  And it's a great agreement. Because quite frankly, my brain also doesn't work that well. Although I feel like the female brain is really good.

• 1:33:17Lewis Howes?

  Sometimes women want to just talk all night and like, I have this and this and this and this. And I'm like, I can't think right now.

• 1:33:22Martha Higareda?

  That's why I said, I think my brain, because to us women, probably we kind of collect data in a different way.

• 1:33:27Lewis Howes?

  Ruminate differently.

• 1:33:29Martha Higareda?

  We do.

• 1:33:29Lewis Howes?

  But I'm like, I can't ruminate after a certain hour.

• 1:33:32Martha Higareda?

  No.

• 1:33:32Lewis Howes?

  Especially when I've already winded down. So it's really, yeah, it's, you know, it's creating agreements with flexibility. But, and I think that's beautiful. One of the things I wanted to address in this interview. In this conversation with you is about

• 1:33:49Lewis Howes?

  how you feel about the concept of love not being enough to make a relationship work, one thing.

• 1:33:54Martha Higareda?

  Okay.

• 1:33:54Lewis Howes?

  Also, boundaries we should set in relationships with ourselves and with others. Also, what people misunderstand about of shared vision for a relationship. Also,

• 1:34:10Martha Higareda?

  Wait, I'm trying to store all of them in my head, hold on.

• 1:34:12Lewis Howes?

  Also, how to face obstacles in relationships in a conscious way. And so many more of the things that I want to talk about, but we don't have more time.

• 1:34:21Martha Higareda?

  No, we don't.

• 1:34:22Lewis Howes?

  So I want to know if you guys want to hear more about this in another episode. Leave a comment below on this YouTube video or on the podcast on audio. Send a message over on Instagram and say yes below in the comments. If you want a part two about love, relationships, intimacy and all things. Uh, on, on all these things I was just asking about. If you want me to ask Martha these questions and if you want us to talk about them, leave a comment yes below. If you want us to do a part two, so if you're really interested, leave a yes. If you're not, maybe we want to do a part two, but if you want to know the answers to these things, go ahead and talk about that.

• 1:35:00Lewis Howes?

  I also want to talk in the future about how you've manifested so much in your career and in your life. And how you have a lot, created the ability to dream so big and then make reality of these dreams. Cause I think you're one of the best at doing this.

• 1:35:16Martha Higareda?

  I had a

• 1:35:17Lewis Howes?

  And so many other things that I want to talk about. Um, so again, if you want to hear this or watch this, leave a yes below and let us know. Uh, also make sure to watch the movie coming out.

• 1:35:32Martha Higareda?

  You're in the movie, haven't you told them you're in the movie?

• 1:35:34Lewis Howes?

  I haven't told them yet. I haven't told them.

• 1:35:35Martha Higareda?

  A little bit at the beginning.

• 1:35:37Lewis Howes?

  I'm in the movie, uh, so you'll have to let me, let me know. Hopefully I make the final cut. We'll see what happens.

• 1:35:42Martha Higareda?

  Yeah, you did. I know the producer of the movie.

• 1:35:44Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, exactly. So you'll have to let me know what you guys think. It's called Queens on the Run in English. If you're, you know, uh, watching in Spanish, it's called Fuga de

• 1:35:53Martha Higareda?

  De Reinas. Yes.

• 1:35:55Lewis Howes?

  Which means Queens on the Run on Netflix. It's coming out early to mid-April, so make sure to be tuned for that. Check that out. Follow Martha Iguarida on Instagram, on TikTok, on Facebook.

• 1:36:10Lewis Howes?

  Martha has an incredible, two incredible shows in Spanish on YouTube and on audio. So we'll have that linked up in the description below. So make sure you guys check those out. You can click on those. It's really inspiring stuff. So if you are a Spanish speaker by native tongue, go listen and watch that because it's really powerful and the people you bring on is really inspiring.

• 1:36:35Martha Higareda?

  Yeah, very inspiring. A lot of therapists, a lot of, you know, again, same, it's like a similar thing.

• 1:36:42Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:36:42Martha Higareda?

  Isn't that funny? Because I was doing that before we met.

• 1:36:46Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:36:47Martha Higareda?

  And we went, wait, what?

• 1:36:48Lewis Howes?

  I know, very beautiful.

• 1:36:49Martha Higareda?

  It was amazing.

• 1:36:50Lewis Howes?

  So make sure you guys check those out. One of them is called Infinitos, which is one that Martha does solo with different guests. And the other one is called De Todo Un Mucho.

• 1:37:01Martha Higareda?

  Muy bien español!

• 1:37:02Lewis Howes?

  De Todo Un Mucho.

• 1:37:03Martha Higareda?

  He's gonna be speaking Spanish.

• 1:37:04Lewis Howes?

  I know, that's me.

• 1:37:05Martha Higareda?

  Vas a hablar español?

• 1:37:06Lewis Howes?

  Sí, vamos.

• 1:37:07Martha Higareda?

  Habla poquito español.

• 1:37:08Lewis Howes?

  Sí, vamos.

• 1:37:11Lewis Howes?

  And so check out both of those shows. Also, if you just go on Netflix or Apple TV or Amazon and you just type in your name, Martha Iguarida, you can see all the past movies that she's done. You can find them kind of on all the streamers. There's different ones on different streamers. So check them out if you're a Spanish speaking or if you want subtitles in English, they have them as well. But some amazing movies. I haven't even seen them all. There's over forty movies you've done.

• 1:37:38Martha Higareda?

  Yes.

• 1:37:39Lewis Howes?

  You're Amazing in Altered Carbon, which is where I first found out about you, which is an English TV show. But other than that, I am so grateful for you. I appreciate you very much.

• 1:37:49Martha Higareda?

  I love you.

• 1:37:49Lewis Howes?

  I love you very much. I'm so grateful for you. I feel...

• 1:37:53Martha Higareda?

  I feel this table is too big.

• 1:37:54Lewis Howes?

  It's too far apart. I feel awkward because I'm not like holding your hands this whole time. But I'm so grateful for you. I love you. I'm so grateful for the joy, the peace that you bring in my life. And I'm so glad that we got to start this conversation on the podcast. And I really acknowledge you for teaching me about love in a beautiful way, for showing me that love is really about acceptance. And love is about... Celebrating all of you, not just parts of you that are good, but all of you. So, thank you for celebrating all of me and accepting all of me. I love you, I appreciate you.

• 1:38:35Lewis Howes?

  I'm so grateful for you for waking up every morning and living a dream that I get to see you smile and kiss me and hug me. It's a dream. And so, thank you for being in my life and for teaching me about love in a way that I've never felt before. I'm very grateful for you.

• 1:38:52Martha Higareda?

  I love you so much, thank you.

• 1:38:54Lewis Howes?

  I still feel like I should be next to you, kissing you and hugging you. But, thank you very much, very grateful. And I can't wait to continue to share what we're learning with people here about relationships, about, and really about the relationship each one of us gets to have with ourselves and how to heal and grow and step into a better version of ourselves.

• 1:39:17Lewis Howes?

  So, I want people to follow you, check you out, subscribe everywhere. And I'm gonna ask you your three truths and your definition of greatness. So, what would be your three truths?

• 1:39:31Martha Higareda?

  For that, I just wanted to say that I'm so, so grateful to experience love with you in the way you love and the way you show up. You're incredible to me. And you're so unique. And I love you not because you are, you know, an incredible partner and you do all these things and you go beyond your way to make me feel like I'm the number one priority. But because you are unique.

• 1:40:00Martha Higareda?

  And your uniqueness is what fills my heart with even more joy and even more happiness. And I wake up every morning, when people don't know this, obviously, but I wake up every morning, sometimes I wake up before you. And then I go, what is he gonna say? You know, what is he gonna share? Like, what is the adventure? And that's the thing that life is an adventure, you know that, that's one of my favorite phrases. And every day you go in your mission, you go explore the world, you go conquer, you do share, you go in service. That's what you do. And when you come back home,

• 1:40:42Martha Higareda?

  I'm excited to see you, I'm excited to hear what you have to share. I'm excited to share what is happening in my world.

• 1:40:50Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:40:51Martha Higareda?

  And and because I know

• 1:40:56Martha Higareda?

  how do I explain this? That life, if there's a certainty, is that life is uncertain. And because life is uncertain, it's because I take care of our relationship every day.

• 1:41:08Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:41:08Martha Higareda?

  And having the freedom to be me, and hopefully you feel the freedom to be you, is one of the biggest gifts we can give each other.

• 1:41:17Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:41:20Lewis Howes?

  Okay, well, what's your, what's your three truths? If all you could share are three lessons of the world?

• 1:41:25Martha Higareda?

  Oh my god.

• 1:41:26Lewis Howes?

  And all of your content was erased, movies were gone, this interview was gone, what would you say are three lessons you would share with the world, or three truths?

• 1:41:36Martha Higareda?

  Well, one would be that it's

• 1:41:40Martha Higareda?

  anything that you do,

• 1:41:44Martha Higareda?

  if you do it

• 1:41:47Martha Higareda?

  in service of others, whereas is your family, whereas is your friends, whereas is your community, anything that you do in service of others

• 1:42:02Martha Higareda?

  comes from that real, authentic you.

• 1:42:07Martha Higareda?

  That, that you, that knows that we are here, not just for ourselves, but to serve.

• 1:42:16Martha Higareda?

  And to leave a world that is, to leave the world better than how we found it. And so, in anything you wanna manifest in life, if you just don't do it just because of you, but if you do it because you're serving another person, another human being, the fastest you will manifest into your life. It's almost like the universe says, like, says, "Oh, you get it. You get it that it's not just about you. It's about others." So I think that would be one.

• 1:42:46Martha Higareda?

  Another one wa- it would be this idea that we have of success.

• 1:42:54Martha Higareda?

  I was, you know, I'm very close to my father. And he was doing the garden. And I had this conversation when I was probably like 12 years old. And I said to him, "Dad, what is success?" And he said, "This moment right now. Me looking at you in the way the sun," 'cause he's a painter, so he's always looking at how things look, how the sun rays are landing on your hair, and how I'm at this moment just cutting this bush, and I'm having this moment. For me, that is success. So, we don't know about tomorrow.

• 1:43:37Martha Higareda?

  We may have all these different dreams and all these different plans and all these different visions of what we wanna accomplish, what we wanna do, but that one moment,

• 1:43:48Martha Higareda?

  is that I'm being successful right now. The third one would be, "Don't die with your music in you." And this is not mine, but it's something that I heard, that when you,

• 1:44:04Martha Higareda?

  it's a story about a guy who's very, very old. He's just about to die. And he's in his deathbed. And he is very regretful because he says, "I had all these melodies that were playing in my head. He was a musician. I have all these melodies that I never, never got to write. And here I am, leaving this world, and nobody will be able to listen to all the music."

• 1:44:36Martha Higareda?

  That lived in my heart. So I think that's a very beautiful, very important lesson for every one of us. Whatever it is that it is your purpose or your mission, or the thing that just lights you the most, whereas is being with your family and being present with them. Or whereas is being a dancer, whereas is writing that book. Don't die with your music in you.

• 1:45:04Lewis Howes?

  Hmm, okay, love those. And what's your definition of greatness?

• 1:45:08Martha Higareda?

  My definition of greatness is

• 1:45:15Martha Higareda?

  being in the moment,

• 1:45:18Martha Higareda?

  being loved, being in service,

• 1:45:23Martha Higareda?

  and just enjoying the ride.

• 1:45:26Lewis Howes?

  I hope today's episode inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a rundown of today's show with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me as well as ad free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcast. If you enjoyed this, please share it with a friend over on social media or text a friend. Leave us a review over on Apple Podcast and let me know what you learned over on our social media channels at Lewis Howes. I really love hearing the feedback from you and it helps us continue to make the show better. And if you want more inspiration from our world-class guests and content to learn how to improve the quality of your life,

• 1:46:07Lewis Howes?

  then make sure to sign up for the Greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com/newsletter. And if no one has told you today, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.