Stop Attracting The Wrong Relationships. Do This To Find Lasting Love! | Lewis Howes

If you keep attracting the wrong people or sabotaging good relationships, this masterclass reveals why. Lewis brings together the most powerful insights from Esther Perel, Jillian Turecki, Matthew Hussey, Baya Voce, and Mel Robbins to show you how your unhealed wounds are running your love life. You'll learn why you chase what hurts you, how your nervous system sabotages connection, and what it actually takes to stop repeating the same painful cycles. The path to lasting love starts with understanding yourself first, learning to regulate your emotions, and choosing partners who can help you heal rather than partners who keep you broken. Make Money Easy: Create Financial Freedom and Live a Richer LifeThe Greatness Mindset: Unlock the Power of Your Mind and Live Your Best Life TodayThe Mask of Masculinity: How Men Can Embrace Vulnerability, Create Strong Relationships, and Live Their Fullest LivesThe School of Greatness: A Real-World Guide to Living Bigger, Loving Deeper, and Leaving a LegacyIn this episode you will:Identify what role you played in past relationship failures instead of only blaming your exRecognize when your childhood wounds are triggering fights about cardboard boxes or daily frustrationsUnderstand why depending on your partner for happiness creates catastrophic disappointmentDiscover how play and humor keep relationships alive when everything else feels deadTransform conflict into healing by learning to tolerate uncomfortable emotions in your bodyFor more information go to https://lewishowes.com/1891For more Greatness text PODCAST to +1 (614) 350-3960More SOG episodes we think you’ll love:Esther PerelMatthew HusseyMel Robbins Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  If you want to stop being in relationships that you feel like you're failing in and they aren't making you happy, then you need to stop repeating the same patterns that you've always repeated. And you need to learn how to become the best partner for someone and also learn how to attract the right type of partner for yourself. But how do you do that? Well, today I put together a masterclass with the five most impactful conversations with relationship experts that we've had here on the School of Greatness to help you understand how to create lasting love in your life. In this first section, I'm speaking with the one and only Esther Perel, who is a psychotherapist

• 0:40Lewis Howes?

  known for her expertise in modern relationships, erotic intelligence, and infidelity, and on the most important internal work that you need to do to improve your future relationships. What is the main thing you would recommend people work on themselves, whether in transition of relationships or in a relationship? Is there one thing that they could always be working on to improve themselves, to be better for other relationships?

• 1:07Esther Perel?

  If their entire story about the relationship that just ended is about what the other person did wrong to them, something is missing in the story.

• 1:19Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:19Esther Perel?

  That doesn't mean that the other person may not have done things that were hurtful to them, but add to it, who were you in this relationship?

• 1:28Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 1:28Esther Perel?

  What role did you play? What did you see that you didn't want to pay attention to? What things do you wish you had done differently? What pieces do you wish that your partner had seen and accepted from you differently? Where did you wish you would have said less and where did you wish you would have said more? What do you learn from this relationship? And if when you say what you learn is just that I want to make sure that the next person is...

• 2:02Lewis Howes?

  Gives me what I need.

• 2:03Esther Perel?

  You know, or is less of this or more of that, you know? Who do you want to be in the next relationship?

• 2:10Lewis Howes?

  How are you gonna add value?

• 2:11Esther Perel?

  A relationship is a story of many people. It's not even a story just of two. Who was too involved in your relationship? Who was not involved enough? So, it's, there's a cast of characters in a relationship. And it's all those questions that you want to ask when you are in transition. What, what, I think that's it. I mean, you can, but there are both directions. If you find yourself with a spotlight only on the other person and you in a passive receptive stance, you're missing a whole pan of the story.

• 2:49Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, and you're probably more of the problem than, of the relationship than them. If you're just focusing on them, probably.

• 2:56Esther Perel?

  A relationship is not about this person and that person. The relationship is what happens in between. This is my view on relationships. It's not an essentialist view, this is this personality and that personality. It's the dynamic. You can have a dynamic with a certain partner. You've had dynamics with certain partners. And of course, it was just the right fit between the match and the ignition. And so, you had enough inside of you to react with a certain kind of, let's put, your jealousy. But you may meet another person who acts differently. And you may still have a little bit of that jealousy inside of you,

• 3:37Esther Perel?

  but it doesn't get activated because this person is responding very differently to you. And when you say, "Where were you?", they don't say, "Why do you always have to ask me that question?" They just say, "I just went to do this. It's all good, darling. I'm right here. I've got you back." And then you don't go into your chest pain, you know, pain. So this is very important to understand. We are not the same person with different partners. We may have certain things that come out depending on what is being sent over to us. So the relationship is a figure eight. It's what I do that makes you do something. That then makes you react to me a certain way. That then draws that out of me, that draws that out of you.

• 4:20Esther Perel?

  And each one actually creates the other. And when you get that view of relationships, when you come out and you're in transition, you say to yourself, let's say, I was with someone who completely disconnected. Okay, they're disconnected.

• 4:41Esther Perel?

  Did I push them away?

• 4:44Esther Perel?

  Are there ways in which I contributed sometimes to the disconnection? And that is not self-blame. That is understanding the dynamic. You can take responsibility about things without blaming yourself. And you can hold the other person accountable without blaming them. It's not a blame dance. But it is an understanding of what did I do that made you do what you then did to me? And then that's the relationship.

• 5:09Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. And if someone's like, you know what, they're listening to you, they really want to have an amazing relationship. They want to have a rich life, knowing it's not going to be perfect, but they want to create beauty and adventure and play and go through life through the sadness and the adversities and all the things that happen in life.

• 5:28Lewis Howes?

  And they're thinking to themselves, how much should I pour into myself for my dreams, my health, my friends and family? How much should I pour into the other person? Into their life that I'm creating a partnership with? And how much should I pour into the relationship itself? What would you say to that?

• 5:48Esther Perel?

  But you asked me, it's different questions, right?

• 5:53Esther Perel?

  What keeps a relationship alive is one question. How much do you invest in a relationship is a different question.

• 6:04Esther Perel?

  I'm gonna go to the one about what keeps it alive.

• 6:07Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 6:07Esther Perel?

  Because it's part of, and I'm suddenly watching the box and thinking, this, it is what I'm mostly interested in. Because I work on eroticism. What keeps us alive? What keeps us hopeful? What keeps us engaged with possibility?

• 6:25Lewis Howes?

  Not physically alive, but connected alive.

• 6:28Esther Perel?

  Connected to life, life force, life energy. Why? Because, because I think everybody understands relationships that are not dead versus relationships that are alive. Teams that are not dead, companies versus companies that are alive. What is flourishing versus surviving? And because it is part of my personal history, and I come from a background of survivors, of parents who were in concentration camps, and I wanted to understand how do people stay alive when they spend five years in a concentration camp? So that's why I've got interested in eroticism. Sexuality is a piece of this, but sexuality is not eroticism. You can have sex every day and feel nothing.

• 7:14Esther Perel?

  Eroticism is the poetry that accompanies it. It's the meaning we give to it.

• 7:18Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 7:19Esther Perel?

  Right? It's the story that's attached. So eroticism in a relationship is the quality of imagination, curiosity, playfulness, mystery, risk-taking, novelty, that people bring to their relationship. Those are the things that I think bring life to a relationship. So in the research of Eli Finkel, it means doing new things together, taking risks beyond your threshold, out of your comfort zone. Because if you do pleasant things that are familiar, it's cozy, it's friendship, it's love, but it's not exciting, it's not erotic, it's not necessarily desire.

• 8:02Esther Perel?

  It's calibrating your expectations. So that you have, and that means diversifying your intimate connections or your deep connections. Doesn't it, you know, for me intimacy doesn't mean sexual either. It just means people that are important to you, that accompany you through the life stages and through the big events in life. These three things, expectations, calibrating expectations, diversifying your social connections and taking risks and doing new things is the research of Ilai Finkel for driving relationships. But then in that piece, I think play is essential.

• 8:39Lewis Howes?

  It's huge, right?

• 8:40Esther Perel?

  Playfulness, it's huge. And it is actually the quality of emotions that is the least talked about.

• 8:48Lewis Howes?

  How often are you playing in your relationship?

• 8:51Esther Perel?

  All the time, all the time. We have, humor is essential. It's an essential salve and balm in my relationship. I can, in the middle of an argument and then I start to laugh and then I just get perspective and we just kind of ground ourselves back again. It's flirting, it's teasing, it's making fun of, it's, it's that whole realm of we're not really serious and we don't take ourselves that serious.

• 9:20Lewis Howes?

  And what happens when relationships are taking themselves very serious and they're not playing?

• 9:24Esther Perel?

  Look, I had a teacher who once said to me, if a couple comes to you for therapy and there is absolutely zero humor left, it is diagnostic.

• 9:36Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 9:37Esther Perel?

  Now, is it true, you know, nobody has proven that scientifically. But what you know is that humor, and if you listen to my podcast, if you listen to the sessions on where should we begin or on how it's worked, you'll see in the middle of talking about trauma, painful event, major fights, strife, I laugh with them. I manage to see if they can see themselves, if they have a bit of distance, of perspective, if they understand sometimes the absurdity of the things that we get into, the things over which we fight, the way we do it. And even if it's just a glimmer, a smile on the side, on the corner, I know they know

• 10:18Esther Perel?

  that I know that we know and it creates that complicity and it invites a new possibility.

• 10:26Lewis Howes?

  Some people may be resisting the humor, they're like, they wanna hold on to the seriousness.

• 10:31Esther Perel?

  Yes, if you wanna hold on to righteousness, to I am right, to victimization, to I have the view that is the only view that matters and only my perception and my experience is the truth, then you are in a polarized system that is rigid and unyielding. Humor and play is possibility. Possibility invites change. Change invites healing.

• 10:58Lewis Howes?

  Hmm, yes. I wanna ask you a few more questions, then I want us to play your game for a little bit. Um, over the last two years, was there anything that came up for you personally, in your own inner world, that you noticed, oh, there's something, like we talked about, it created a lot of pressure for people if there were things that came out. Was there anything for you that you were like, huh, there's something I still need to work on myself, or need to continue the healing journey of that came out in the last couple of years? With being at home and, you know, not doing things the way they used to be?

• 11:33Esther Perel?

  I will answer this in two ways. The way that I experienced the pandemic. So in the first, in the beginning, right after I left you, I went back to New York and I went in lockdown. And basically, it was in the, you know, suddenly kind of, I got gripped with a bit of a panic and primarily because I thought I can't catch this thing. Because if I catch it, I am now suddenly considered elderly and past sixty.

• 12:05Lewis Howes?

  But you're thirty-five.

• 12:06Esther Perel?

  Yeah, yeah. For the pandemic, it changed. It suddenly shifted overnight. I became elderly. And that meant I wasn't sure if we entered the hospital, me or Jack. That we will pass the triage.

• 12:18Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 12:19Esther Perel?

  And he's older than me. And I got really, really scared. I had a lot of post-traumatic stress symptoms that are very much connected to the Holocaust and to my family experience. That sense that overnight, this whole life I have built could just disappear like this. And it was irrational. I was terrified that Jack would die, to the point, you wanted to know about humor in my relationship. So we are in the middle of construction at the time. And the workers, and at that point, he comes to me and he says, "I asked the workers to create, to dig a hole in the garden." I said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" He said, "So that when I die, you can just roll me right in."

• 13:02Lewis Howes?

  Oh, my God. Wow, talk about humor.

• 13:05Esther Perel?

  And I, but I cracked up because he showed me, "Girl, you're gripped in fear." And I just started to laugh and I just realized, "No, no, no, he's not dead." Because I was ready to stop construction. I said, "We're not making this."

• 13:18Lewis Howes?

  No one can come here within a thousand yards of us.

• 13:20Esther Perel?

  No, no, it's more like we will not survive.

• 13:23Lewis Howes?

  No way.

• 13:23Esther Perel?

  I was, I really, when it's post-traumatic, it's trauma is the word, right? So I really was very, very, very scared. And his humor diffused it for me and just brought me back and said, "We're continuing to build. We're gonna live, we're gonna survive. Don't worry, girl." It's like, so this was one. And it slowly, you know, I entered into the, into the the long term of the pandemic and it dissolved. And that's when I understood, this came out of that. I missed my friends. I missed my dinner parties. I missed intimacy. And I created a host of different group experiences, pods.

• 14:06Esther Perel?

  I had a movie club on Zoom on three continents. I had a book club. I had a yoga group that met four times a week still till now, that is over two continents.

• 14:18Lewis Howes?

  Wow, that's cool.

• 14:19Esther Perel?

  And I had a hiking group, I had a swimming group in the summer, and then one day I said, I need to play. And I need to continue to have conversations where I learn something new. I was so freaking tired of talking about the pandemic all the time. And I said, I'm gonna create a game, not having any idea of what this thing was going to become and what it represented. I just thought, oh, I wanna do something creative and I'm gonna, I want people to be able to talk about something that isn't just like, you know, when you live six months like this, in lockdown, you begin to have the same conversations.

• 14:51Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah, of course.

• 14:52Esther Perel?

  So I just thought, how am I going to make couples have fun? Get energized, you know, be curious about each other, talk about something else. And I thought, we need to play, because play is a container. Play gives you the possibility to take risks, to talk about things that you would otherwise not talk about, because it's under the guise of play. Play allows you to ask questions that you would otherwise not ask, certainly not to your partner, because we get more shy with the people that we live with than with strangers sometimes.

• 15:23Lewis Howes?

  Interesting, yeah.

• 15:24Esther Perel?

  You know, you're more daring to ask sometimes questions to strangers.

• 15:28Lewis Howes?

  That you're never gonna see again.

• 15:29Esther Perel?

  Or people you've just met, than the person you live with for decades on end.

• 15:33Lewis Howes?

  That's interesting.

• 15:34Esther Perel?

  I just, so play became very, very central. When you play, you still, you still are able to lift yourself from the ground, and it means you can enter the world of imagination and where the rules are different. And every child at this moment, you know, around the Ukrainian crisis, you can see when kids are still able to play, it is the moments when they are not in hyper vigilance. It is an essential survival skill.

• 16:05Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 16:06Esther Perel?

  Underrated. And from that place came.

• 16:11Lewis Howes?

  That's great.

• 16:11Esther Perel?

  Where should we begin?

• 16:12Lewis Howes?

  It's one of the key things in relationship and in life is what I'm hearing you say.

• 16:16Esther Perel?

  It's essential.

• 16:16Lewis Howes?

  It's essential.

• 16:17Esther Perel?

  It's essential.

• 16:18Lewis Howes?

  Now, here's another side question before we get into this.

• 16:20Esther Perel?

  Play is problem solving. Play is creativity. Play is risk-taking. Play is.

• 16:29Lewis Howes?

  Spontaneity. It's all these things.

• 16:31Esther Perel?

  It's the other side of fear.

• 16:33Lewis Howes?

  Next up, I speak with Jillian Turecki, who is a renowned relationship expert on why understanding your own psychology is the key to attracting the right type of person for your life.

• 16:46Jillian Turecki?

  In order to know who is right for you, you have to understand your own psychology. You have to understand yourself. You have to understand where your vulnerabilities lie, where your weaknesses lie, where your strengths are, the trauma that you've been through.

• 17:03Jillian Turecki?

  You know, if you've been, if you've had a rough go at life, then you're going to need someone who makes you feel really accepted and safe and doesn't judge you for that. It doesn't give you a hall pass to bring that trauma in, but the reality is our past is our past. And so, understanding who's the right partner for you is not only understanding your psychology, but getting really real with yourself, because people will say, "Oh, I just wish I was this person. I'm really attracted to outdoorsy people and I just wish I was more outdoorsy. Oh, I could be more outdoorsy." No, you have to be really real with yourself. You hate the outdoors. You might be really attracted to someone who likes the outdoors, but sorry, Charlie, like that's not going to be right for you.

• 17:44Lewis Howes?

  You can't sleep in a tent for three nights with bugs. That's not you.

• 17:47Jillian Turecki?

  It's not you. You gotta be super real. And like that person who you're really attracted to who does that.

• 17:53Lewis Howes?

  It's not gonna work long term.

• 17:54Jillian Turecki?

  It's not gonna work long term. You could have a fun fling, but it's not gonna work long term. So really knowing yourself and honoring yourself is how you choose well.

• 18:04Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, that could be the summer fling, but then it's like if you're with the outdoorsy guy, that's his, he wants that to be his life, six months in the mountains.

• 18:11Jillian Turecki?

  Exactly.

• 18:12Lewis Howes?

  And you're like, well, I'm trying to create a stable home with kids in the future.

• 18:15Jillian Turecki?

  Exactly. It doesn't work.

• 18:17Lewis Howes?

  Doesn't mean they're not great people.

• 18:20Jillian Turecki?

  It's just not gonna work.

• 18:21Lewis Howes?

  It's just not what you want for the vision of your life.

• 18:23Jillian Turecki?

  Exactly. And people have to get really real with themselves and they don't. And then they end up paying for that.

• 18:29Lewis Howes?

  What's been the biggest? Mistakes you've brought to relationships.

• 18:33Jillian Turecki?

  Me personally?

• 18:34Lewis Howes?

  That you've later had to realize and take accountability for, oh, okay. Yeah, I was responsible for this or this, or I could have shown up differently.

• 18:41Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, for me, definitely it's been in the past codependency. And what it looks like is, it's funny, you know. Relationships are funny. I mean, I've had some really beautiful relationships and I've had some not so beautiful relationships. And that's why certain people are gonna bring out certain things in you, whereas others are not. But I've definitely brought codependency and low self-worth to relationships, like depending on my partner too much for my happiness.

• 19:07Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 19:07Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 19:08Lewis Howes?

  What happens when we depend on our partner to make us happy?

• 19:11Jillian Turecki?

  Catastrophe. So, here's the paradox. I think that we need to be with someone who wants to make us happier. And that we wanna make, we wanna add value to each other's lives. We wanna make the path easier, but no one can walk our path but ourselves. And so, what happens is that, and it's unconscious, you know, and it's part of it is also conditioning. It's like, be with someone who makes you happy, this or that, you know? The problem is that if you don't feel, at least mostly whole, you know, we all have our things that we're dealing with. But if you feel really fragmented and you think a relationship or another person is going to actually bring all the pieces together,

• 19:56Jillian Turecki?

  then what's gonna happen is that you're gonna be really disappointed, because then you're relying on another fallible, flawed human.

• 20:04Lewis Howes?

  Imperfect human.

• 20:05Jillian Turecki?

  Imperfect human. And you're gonna have all these expectations and your shoulders are gonna be crushed by the weight of failed expectations, constantly.

• 20:17Jillian Turecki?

  But, you know, so yeah, I've done that.

• 20:20Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 20:22Jillian Turecki?

  Not really standing on my own two feet emotionally.

• 20:27Jillian Turecki?

  I have brought stress to a relationship and not my self-awareness around stress to the point where I've closed, or yeah, where I've closed, you know, not been receptive to love.

• 20:42Lewis Howes?

  Guarded.

• 20:43Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, guarded or just tense and stressed and just totally expecting to be loved anyway.

• 20:53Jillian Turecki?

  And it's, it's, you know, relationship is so filled with paradoxes. It's like, yes, they should actually contribute to your happiness. But you also have to know how to make yourself happy. No, you don't have to love yourself completely to be in a relationship. But yes, you have to love yourself at some level, you know? Or you learn to love yourself in a relationship, but also you can't enter a relationship hating yourself. There's just so many paradoxes and I would just say that people just need to find sort of the balance for themselves. And like, the reality is that we should be adding value to each other's lives. We should want to root for our partner and we want to see them win.

• 21:37Jillian Turecki?

  And we want to see like their path be just like paved with gold. And we will do anything to help them. But we can't actually pave the path, path for them. And that's the key difference. And we can't expect that from someone.

• 21:52Lewis Howes?

  Right. I think that's, you're speaking my language right now because, you know, over the last couple of years of doing my own healing journey, I was just like, if I enter a relationship again, right? It was kind of like if, you know, because I was just like, I'd rather be happy and on my own. No, but I love intimacy and connection. It's like, okay, I want it, but it's like not at the expense of like suffering.

• 22:16Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 22:17Lewis Howes?

  And abandoning my, my values and my vision and my lifestyle, my needs.

• 22:21Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 22:22Lewis Howes?

  But I was like, I just want to make sure that I'm always taking care of it and loving myself and taking care of myself. And creating my own joy and happiness and fulfillment, independent of a relationship. Never needing someone, but the way they show up can just add to that joy.

• 22:40Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 22:40Lewis Howes?

  Add to that happiness. And I want to be in a relationship with someone that is a joyful person. It's kind of like their baseline.

• 22:47Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 22:47Lewis Howes?

  Cause they've processed stuff, they've been on the healing journey, they're, they're whole, not perfect, but whole. And, and continuing to improve, but they're just, their baseline is joy.

• 22:57Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 22:58Lewis Howes?

  When someone's baseline is joy, you don't have to do something to make them joyful. They are joyful.

• 23:03Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 23:04Lewis Howes?

  And so it's getting your place to a, a state of peace and joy and fulfillment in your own life. So that you don't need the person to make you happy.

• 23:13Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 23:14Lewis Howes?

  And then you're not going to self abandon, I think, or diminish your self-worth in the relationship. If someone's.

• 23:23Lewis Howes?

  abusive or acting out of character consistently. You're not going to stay in that. You're gonna be like, well, that doesn't work for me.

• 23:29Jillian Turecki?

  And that's really the key point because honestly, what's epidemic in terms of what I see personally is just low self-esteem. And people, it's sort of like two camps. I see people either being selfish and not appreciating their partner.

• 23:46Lewis Howes?

  Not giving enough to their partner.

• 23:47Jillian Turecki?

  Not giving enough. Or I see the people tolerating too much BS.

• 23:50Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 23:51Jillian Turecki?

  And so to the people who tolerate too much, it's like you something, you have to do something to raise your self-esteem. Something because the what people tolerate out there is what I've tolerated.

• 24:04Lewis Howes?

  Crazy, right?

• 24:04Jillian Turecki?

  It's it's unbelievable, actually. But part of that is also because people are so afraid to be alone and they're afraid to start over. And

• 24:14Lewis Howes?

  The time invested with that last person.

• 24:16Jillian Turecki?

  Exactly. Love your life single. You can really love your life single, but also really want a relationship. I don't want to discourage. I think that life is better in a good relationship. It just is. And and getting love from a partner and sharing and having that exchange is is really profound. But it but, you know, you also have to give up your preferences to be in a relationship.

• 24:41Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 24:42Jillian Turecki?

  You know, like I tell single people all the time, like you want to lie in your bed diagonally like go for it. You like all that secret single behavior, enjoy it because when you're in a relationship and you're living with someone, you can't necessarily do that. But you have to really, like you said, being in the position where you'd rather be single than just in something subpar. That is an amazing position to be in.

• 25:08Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it's huge.

• 25:09Jillian Turecki?

  It's huge.

• 25:11Lewis Howes?

  Are you in a relationship right now?

• 25:12Jillian Turecki?

  I'm actually not, which is wild. I mean, I guess it's not that wild. I, you know, so the whole reason why I do this is that I taught yoga for 20 years. And so yoga is like the probably the most important thing in my life, other than people in my life. And I had a really difficult marriage that only lasted two years. It was like actually.

• 25:37Lewis Howes?

  How long were you together for before?

• 25:38Jillian Turecki?

  Four years. Well, we were together two years prior to that. And interesting, this is an interesting story. So I would say ninety percent was perfect before we got married. But the ten percent that wasn't was so, so profound. And yeah, I felt seen, safe, loved, adored. I adored him. We, we had amazing rapport. We laughed hysterically. I really like it when I make people laugh. If you can understand, I have a really dark, nasty sense of humor. So if you can understand my sense of humor, I immediately feel very connected to you, right? And so we really connected and, but there were things that,

• 26:20Jillian Turecki?

  that I would never tolerate. And this is something like, we're cool, like I, he, things not working out with him. And then my mother died. So I went through a lot of tragedy to get to the place where I am now.

• 26:35Jillian Turecki?

  But I'm very cool with him. In fact, I have a joke that I should probably, that he should probably send me a bill because I have this whole career based on this relationship that I had with him.

• 26:44Lewis Howes?

  The wisdom you gained from this experience.

• 26:46Jillian Turecki?

  So I'm actually very grateful. But there was an interesting story, which is that we went to, we were about eight months into our relationship. And I felt totally in love. We were both totally in love. And I don't know what triggered this because this was a while ago and I, I just don't, I just don't think about it anymore. It's not traumatic for me. But something triggered him and he had a proclivity, proclivity towards avoidance. And I had the proclivity towards anxiety. And my father was very, very avoidant and shut down. So here we are.

• 27:21Lewis Howes?

  Ancient and avoidant is not a good combination.

• 27:23Jillian Turecki?

  It's not a good combination. So it's a bad combination, but so he was shut down over something that I have absolutely, something that was not warranted. And we went to this show called

• 27:36Lewis Howes?

  This is his own traumas.

• 27:37Jillian Turecki?

  Totally his own stuff. This was not something that, I mean, I could take a lot of responsibility and have, but this is not something that I did. It was something that he interpreted. So we went to this show called Sleep No More, and I don't know if you've heard of it, but it was like a thing in New York and it was really, really crazy and really cool. And you get there and they give you like these masks, like from Scream, basically, like these crazy masks. And so you, even though if you go with someone, it's a very, you kind of get separate, they separate you.

• 28:06Lewis Howes?

  They take you into rooms and it's a whole

• 28:07Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, so it's a very solitary experience and everyone's behind a mask. So you're having your own experience, but on our way there, I could, he was in what would be the first of many of like these moods where he would shut down and I didn't know what was going on. Back then, I didn't have the courage to say, what is going on? Like, speak up, like what's hap- did I do something?

• 28:30Lewis Howes?

  Let's talk about this.

• 28:31Jillian Turecki?

  Let's talk about it. Now, it wouldn't even, yeah.

• 28:35Lewis Howes?

  You didn't have the tools then.

• 28:37Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, I didn't have the tools and I didn't have the self-esteem then.

• 28:39Lewis Howes?

  The courage to speak up.

• 28:41Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, all of it. And so when we went, he was totally shut down, we were separated, but there were times where you would recognize a person because you know what they're wearing and I would be so psyched to connect with him and he would pretend like he didn't see me. It was like a total stonewalling. And I was so incredibly upset. And all I could think about is I gotta get this relationship back on track. Like I have to like make this better.

• 29:05Lewis Howes?

  From that one day?

• 29:07Jillian Turecki?

  From that, from that one night because he was stone, I knew that, I was like, his feelings changed about me. I have to make sure that I, that whatever it is that triggered him doesn't trigger him again. So all this stuff came up.

• 29:18Lewis Howes?

  So you interpreted that too?

• 29:20Jillian Turecki?

  Yes, exactly. So I, so I got really anxious, you know, I, low self-esteem.

• 29:25Lewis Howes?

  It's not perfect.

• 29:26Jillian Turecki?

  I don't wanna, or like, it's not that it wasn't perfect, it was really bad. If, so in other words, if I were to encounter that today, that relationship would have ended that day.

• 29:37Lewis Howes?

  You'd be like, hey, this doesn't work for me, yeah.

• 29:39Jillian Turecki?

  Without question, it actually wouldn't even been a conversation. It just would have ended because I would have known from a value system perspective and also from what is good for me, that that is absolutely, we can, we can have fights, we can have disagreements, but that is not allowed in my world.

• 29:56Lewis Howes?

  In this third section, I speak with my good friend Matthew Hussey, who is a leading dating expert, on why it's so difficult to break the negative relationship patterns and what you need to do instead. Why do women sabotage when there's a good man in front of them?

• 30:13Matthew Hussey?

  The question can be applied equally across the genders. And we all, I know I've sabotaged potentially wonderful relationships before. Almost did it with the relationship that, you know, turned out to be my marriage. I almost like screwed that up. And, and we have to look at what's...

• 30:40Lewis Howes?

  Why do you think you almost screwed it up?

• 30:42Matthew Hussey?

  We get into these patterns where we chase the wrong things. I can't take credit for that phrase. My wife Audrey loves that phrase. And I got addicted to it too, because it's so, it's such a great phrase. This idea that if you chase the wrong things, it might be fun sometimes. But until you start chasing the right things, that chasing the wrong things will always loop you back to where you started. And, you know, I got to the point as a single person where I realized this is not, this is not as fun

• 31:24Matthew Hussey?

  as it, you know, this has become a kind of drug of its own. And what am I really chasing here? Does it leave me feeling better at the end of it? Does it leave me feeling more anxious? In my case, it actually left me feeling more anxious. It left me feeling worse about myself.

• 31:45Matthew Hussey?

  And I, you know, I think in some ways that the longer we take to find our person, I don't believe in the one, but I do believe in our person. Like, this is a very different thing. But the longer we take, I think some of us, we have to now justify all the people we said no to. Because if I'm gonna go for this person, then why did I say no to those people? They were great in these ways too. And so we kinda, we're chasing this idea we have in our mind of something, instead of being present with who is in front of us and what's actually unfolding in front of us.

• 32:28Matthew Hussey?

  What I wasn't paying attention to at the beginning of meeting my wife was that I felt, I felt like I was home.

• 32:35Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 32:37Matthew Hussey?

  And that isn't, that's a subtly different feeling. I felt like I was home. I could truly be myself. I felt genuinely accepted and not judged.

• 32:54Matthew Hussey?

  And it was a kind of unfamiliar feeling. I don't know that I was fully ready

• 32:59Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 33:00Matthew Hussey?

  for that feeling.

• 33:00Lewis Howes?

  Almost felt unsafe, because it was so safe.

• 33:04Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, it felt unsafe. We had an argument at the beginning of our relationship where, we weren't even in a relationship yet, I don't think. But we, we had an argument where she started talking about some other guy.

• 33:14Lewis Howes?

  Uh oh.

• 33:16Matthew Hussey?

  And it got, and it got under my skin. And then I was an ass about it. Like I was not.

• 33:23Lewis Howes?

  You weren't even committed yet.

• 33:24Matthew Hussey?

  Huh?

• 33:25Lewis Howes?

  You weren't even in a committed relationship.

• 33:26Matthew Hussey?

  Were we?

• 33:28Lewis Howes?

  Oh, you were, you were, she said. Yeah.

• 33:33Matthew Hussey?

  Okay, we were.

• 33:37Matthew Hussey?

  But she started talking about someone and I, and I, it got like, my ego flared up.

• 33:41Lewis Howes?

  Uh huh.

• 33:42Matthew Hussey?

  My ego flared up. And then I started being really cold and quiet. I didn't say anything for ages. And she was the one making all the conversation. And at a certain point, she was like, what's going on? And I was like, nothing, because what am I gonna tell her? I'm not gonna tell her at this early stage that I got insecure about a guy I don't even know?

• 34:09Matthew Hussey?

  And that that somehow on some deep level has made me feel threatened? And how now I feel like I could get hurt in this? And it's robbed me of some kind of power that I must have been holding on. I'm not gonna tell you all of that. Because now you have even more potential to hurt me.

• 34:28Lewis Howes?

  Ah.

• 34:29Matthew Hussey?

  I'm not gonna give you all of that now.

• 34:34Matthew Hussey?

  I once had a relationship where I told someone, like I, I. I debated all night whether to tell an insecurity that I was feeling.

• 34:43Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 34:43Matthew Hussey?

  And then I did at the end of the night. This was a different relationship. At the end of the night, I spoke an insecurity. And she looked at me and she said, I find that... I went, what? She goes, I just didn't know that you felt like that. I find that unattractive.

• 35:00Lewis Howes?

  Oh, ho!

• 35:02Matthew Hussey?

  It was one of the most horrendous.

• 35:06Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 35:07Matthew Hussey?

  Like...

• 35:07Lewis Howes?

  Your biggest fear.

• 35:09Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, I was like, for me, I didn't want to say it. I wasn't gonna say it. So then I was like, why did I say it?

• 35:23Matthew Hussey?

  Brené Brown.

• 35:32Lewis Howes?

  Vulnerability is strength.

• 35:34Matthew Hussey?

  This doesn't work for men.

• 35:38Matthew Hussey?

  Be vulnerable.

• 35:39Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 35:40Matthew Hussey?

  I find that unattractive. That's why you have so many fucked up guys in the world now and they follow other fucked up guys. And they're all in their little circle of doing everything wrong because they got hurt. They're hurt. They just hurt people who have decided that the best way to deal with that hurt is to armor up. And to hate everyone. And to hate women and think that you're all against us. And, and, and look, I had a little moment in that moment where I was like, never doing that again.

• 36:17Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 36:18Matthew Hussey?

  That's the last time I ever do that. And then I met Audrey. And when, when I felt insecure about this, this person,

• 36:29Matthew Hussey?

  I was quiet and passive and then passive aggressive and quiet. And, and she eventually like ringed it out of me because she's too perceptive. And she, nothing gets by this woman, nothing. And I eventually, after her having to drag it out of me, I eventually said it.

• 36:54Matthew Hussey?

  And then I hated that I said it because I had that thought in my head. Well, there you go. And then, so she, she got it out of me and then I went cold all over again. Because now I was like ashamed.

• 37:10Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 37:12Matthew Hussey?

  Why did I say that? Now she's gonna think now I'm not gonna, I'm not that attractive guy. I'm not Mr. Alpha, I'm not blah, blah, blah. All of this is happening, it's not like I'm verbalizing this to myself, but this is what's happening. And I'm supposed to not seem threatened, I'm supposed, I'm supposed to be bulletproof. I'm not supposed to get threatened by another person like that. And then I said that it had like, I was like, I wish I hadn't said that because now you're gonna think this. And she was like, what? She's like, I'm like, I love firstly, it doesn't change how attracted I am to you at all. I'm so attracted to you, my god.

• 37:55Matthew Hussey?

  And the fact that you told me that, it's just, I love it because I get to, I know you better. I get to know you better, it doesn't change anything, it's just I love knowing you better. And if something's on your mind, I want you to share it with me because I wanna be able to like talk, you know, I wanna share why you don't need to worry about that. We had to go through so much that day to get to that little moment.

• 38:23Matthew Hussey?

  And in a hundred other early dating phases with other people, that would have been the end of the relationship. That would have been it because someone would have not got it out of me and I would have never said anything and I just would have held on to it and it would have eroded the relationship. Or they get it out of me, but then I don't feel safe with that person from their reaction. And so I now back off or, you know, there's so many ways that moment can go wrong.

• 39:00Matthew Hussey?

  And in this relationship, what was normally a moment where it would go wrong was a very healing moment for me.

• 39:08Matthew Hussey?

  And she's had her own moments like that and we chase these things that feel off.

• 39:16Lewis Howes?

  Next up, I speak with Bea Voeche, a trained couples counselor on the importance of understanding yours and your partner's trauma and working together to build a healthy and healing relationship.

• 39:29Speaker 04

  Conflict without repair is just pain over and over and over again. Yeah, but then conflict with repair is healing. I actually really like thinking about it this way. So you each come into the relationship with all of your relationships behind you. So it's your relationship with your caregivers. It's the relationship with the person who broke your heart, or the 12 people who broke your heart before that. It's the pain that you did to other people, and it's the pain that other people did to you, caused to you. You walk into your relationship with all of the unhealed pain, and you basically walk to your partner and you

• 40:09Speaker 04

  say, heal me. Here it is. Yeah, yeah. Here it is. Yeah, yeah. But we don't know that's what we're saying. That's not why we get into it. That's not why we think we're getting into relationships. But that to me is when we're talking, when I get a little more kind of spiritual and woo woo and esoteric about it. I deeply believe, I deeply believe that we get into relationship to heal the parts of ourselves that nobody else could heal before. And when we find the relationship that is the one we decide to basically put on the altar as this is where I'm going to do my work. This is where I'm then what you're saying as each

• 40:50Speaker 04

  partner is, I am signing up to be here to heal, to help you heal the parts of yourself that nobody else that came before me could help you heal. Like, I am, I'm up for that task. And vice versa. It's to me, that lens is, it's a gift that we give each other when we sign up for relationships and say, it doesn't matter how perfect I want you to be. I know you come with unhealed wounding. And I have the exact recipe that's probably going to bump up against those wounds. But if we're responsible enough, and we do our work enough, that what I also can do is support in the healing of those wounds.

• 41:30Lewis Howes?

  Yes. I heard Gabor Maté said that if it's hysterical, it's historical. And if someone is reacting based out of a trigger or something, and they're reacting hysterically to a situation or an environment that even. Isn't a physical threat, but feels to them like there's a physical threat. There's some type of history behind it that's causing them to be hysterical or reactive in whatever situation. And what I'm hearing you say is that healthy conflict takes courage is what I'm hearing you say. And what I lacked for most of my life in every intimate relationship I was in was courage. For most of my life, I would stuff it down. I was in the second phase, the power struggle phase for most of my, my relationship life.

• 42:13Lewis Howes?

  And I was, you know, I'd get into a relationship for two years, three years, four years, and just kind of repeat the cycle, thinking it was the person I was with. And get in a new relationship and kind of repeat the cycle of phase one to phase two. And then you're in phase two forever and you're trying to get into interdependence, right? But it never felt like it for me until this, uh, my, my marriage now. And what I'm hearing you also say is that you're not getting into a relationship with a human being. You're getting in a relationship with their nervous system. And if their nervous system is wounded and e-regulated or deregulated, then that's what you're getting in a relationship with is how someone perceives everything in the world.

• 42:55Lewis Howes?

  And if they're traumatized or if they have thin skin by every little thing that you say or do or don't do, that's the relationship you're getting into, not the person and how they look, but what's inside their nervous system and how they respond to their environment.

• 43:10Speaker 04

  You know, I often say, like, if we were to go on first dates and be like, all right, what, when you're, when you're just off the rocker, what do you like? Like when, when you're super triggered, when you're a 10 out of 10, when you're a five out of 10, what do you, what do you look, what, what are we up against?

• 43:25Lewis Howes?

  There's a bear inside of me. There's like a bear that wants to destroy. If I'm like not regulated, you know, it's like, I'm like, let me just take on the world, you know, it's like a bear.

• 43:34Speaker 04

  Same. I can get, I can get both. I can get loud and I can get super, I can get super quiet and just like, you don't, you don't even feel my heart. Like I can go to both of those places and they're, and they're not, they're not places I'm proud of, by the way.

• 43:49Lewis Howes?

  Of course.

• 43:49Speaker 04

  But we, and, and by the way, no matter how much work we do, these pieces live inside of us. It's not that the little kid ever goes away. It's that when you start to understand what your nervous system is like when it gets dysregulated, like, oh, I know that my, my chest tightens, or I start to talk really, really fast, or I start to sweat, or, or it's maybe it doesn't feel so physiological, but I can start to, I can start to feel you become my enemy. I'm like trying to build my case against you, right? So like, we've all kind of been here in one way or another. When I begin to understand what my particular brand of dysregulation looks like, then I

• 44:33Speaker 04

  can start taking responsibility for when I'm going there. And that adaptive part, that young, because that's really what it is. It's the part of ourselves that's just trying to fight for, keep me safe, keep me safe. We can sort of do this thing where we put the kid in the back. It's like, okay, you're five. I don't want you to go away, but you also can't drive. And this is another thing that Terry talks about, which I think is also really smart, which is like, you put the kid in the back and you've got to give the kid, kid love, but the kid needs a boundary. Like, that's what kids need. They need love, but they need boundaries. So you put it, you put the kid in the back and you're like, hey, kid, I got this. You don't need to be the one. And they generally don't want to be the ones to be in the fight anyway. They're like, oh, great. Hands off

• 45:16Speaker 04

  the wheel. I can take a nap or play Legos in the back. And then, and then the more regulated part of you can start to come online. But you've got to take care of the part that's dysregulated. Generally speaking, you're either better at auto-regulating, so regulating on your own, or co-regulating, like you need somebody to help you regulate. And we want to get better at the other. That's generally what we need. I, I fall into the co-regulation category. Like, I really, it feels like at times I need my wife to help me. Like, I need her to help calm me down. Like, I can't, and that's been a huge.

• 45:54Lewis Howes?

  But if you attract an independent person and they're like, hey, I don't, I'm an independent, like, get away from your, your, you're clinging some to someone who wants to be alone.

• 46:04Speaker 04

  But that but that's also where the healing comes into play, right? So because I have been like, save me, save me from my own emotions that I don't feel like I can handle on my own. And she's like, that doesn't actually work. What do I have to do? I have to build the skill of auto-regulating. I have to build the part of myself that understands how to take care of myself.

• 46:23Lewis Howes?

  And probably the more you do that, the more she wants to come in and

• 46:26Speaker 04

  100%

• 46:27Lewis Howes?

  co-regulate.

• 46:28Speaker 04

  Exactly.

• 46:28Lewis Howes?

  As opposed to feeling like she needs to do it.

• 46:30Speaker 04

  100%.

• 46:33Lewis Howes?

  In this final section, I spoke with Mel Robbins about the key to her lasting marriage of over 26-plus years. And she breaks down the core shift that has helped it continue to grow.

• 46:46Mel Robbins?

  I think like honestly, people have been asking me a lot about just my marriage because I've been in, I've been married for 26 years. Like, how do you go the distance? How do you go the distance?

• 46:59Mel Robbins?

  I feel that one of the things that I also got wrong is I didn't remind myself enough what a kind and caring person Chris is.

• 47:16Mel Robbins?

  And that I, you know, I, I am guilty of also like attacking Chris when I've been really unhappy.

• 47:30Mel Robbins?

  And, you know, I will unpack a lot of this stuff because, you know, Chris and I have been in like intense therapy for the last, intense meaning it's been intensely awesome.

• 47:39Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 47:39Mel Robbins?

  But it's profound how much my coping mechanism with stress was the exact opposite of Chris's. So when I feel stressed out or anxious, Lewis, I go into hyperdrive. I like go, go, go, go, go. Because I feel safer when I'm busy. Okay? My husband. Goes into the corner and thinks.

• 48:09Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 48:09Mel Robbins?

  And what ends up happening over time is your relationships are an opportunity to truly heal the that doesn't work if you're willing to work together on it. And so what happened over time for us is the more I became successful, the more I did, the more I was solving problems and taking care of this in 15 steps ahead, the more reinforced to Chris, well, she doesn't need me. And what if I were to make the dinner reservation, she's gonna just probably have made a different one anyway. And meanwhile, I'm over here in my emotional corner going, why is nobody planning a birthday party for me?

• 48:54Mel Robbins?

  Why am I the one that's always like doing everything? When is somebody else gonna come? And Chris is over here going, I'm not needed.

• 49:03Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, like I've tried, but then you just, you say you don't want it or you change the plans or so it's like, after a while, it's like, why am I even trying to do anything?

• 49:09Mel Robbins?

  Correct. And here's where we make a major mistake. We have a breakdown that's at the surface level. So I'll give you an example. This is a really dumb example, but I think every couple might be able to relate to this. So you know how you get a lot of cardboard boxes?

• 49:25Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 49:26Mel Robbins?

  From Amazon. Amazon boxes that arrive at your house or your apartment. Everybody now orders stuff online. So I get boxes. I unpack the boxes. And then I have this little thing where I'm like, I might need to ship it back. So I don't.

• 49:43Lewis Howes?

  You keep the box?

• 49:44Mel Robbins?

  Yep, by the door.

• 49:46Lewis Howes?

  I gotta throw it away right away.

• 49:48Mel Robbins?

  Well, Chris does too.

• 49:49Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 49:49Mel Robbins?

  And he also does not want the box to go into the garage. We need to slice it down and flatten it.

• 49:56Lewis Howes?

  Recycle it or get rid of it?

• 49:57Mel Robbins?

  Yes, but you have to flatten it for the garbage folks up in southern Vermont to pick it up.

• 50:02Lewis Howes?

  Gotcha.

• 50:03Mel Robbins?

  So I would make a Jenga puzzle right at the top, like right by the door of the garage. And when Chris would walk in, because he's asked me several times, can you please just freaking slice and flatten the boxes and take it out to the recycling? That's where it goes. And I have this intention that, okay, I'll do that tomorrow because after I like look at this stuff, I might ship it back and I might need the box. And then the truth is I hate flattening boxes. I don't want to flatten boxes.

• 50:31Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 50:32Mel Robbins?

  And so I don't do it. And every time Chris sees the Jenga puzzle of boxes, he silently feels like I think he's my maid.

• 50:43Mel Robbins?

  And at a surface level, and this is what everybody does. At a surface level, we argue about the boxes. At a deeper level, that's not getting resolved, is the fact that my partner has asked me to do something. But he's asked me to do something at sort of a physical surface level. He has not said to me. When I see that, Mel, it actually triggers something from my childhood. My parents were never home.

• 51:17Mel Robbins?

  Nobody came to my games. I was a latchkey kid. When I would walk in that door, hoping somebody was home, and I opened up the door and there was nobody there, I felt like my needs did not matter. And when I see the boxes stacked, and I've asked you twice to do that, and you still don't do it, it's re-triggering that. And over the course of his childhood, it didn't matter what he said. The behavior of the adults didn't change. And so we step into these relationships with people, with friends, and with, you know, your lover, and it becomes literally a magnifier of the things you have not resolved.

• 52:01Mel Robbins?

  Like, you're so unconscious to your patterns. I'm thinking cardboard boxes, he's childhood trauma. There are other ones. He's not talking to me, I'm childhood trauma. Like, it's like all of that gets magnified by cardboard boxes or the shit you're fighting about on the surface. And so knowing that you have a place to talk about something minimizes the number of times that you, like, even get upset with each other. Yes. But I want to go back to something that you said that I think is the hundred million dollar question. Give it to me. Not question, hundred million dollar answer.

• 52:35Mel Robbins?

  It was my number three. And I said it in the opposite way. That you said number six. I said, if I could go back and give myself advice 28 years ago when I met my husband, Chris, what would it be? And the third thing I said is, always remind yourself that he is a kind and loving person who just wants to be loved. That's all we all are, okay? You said, I'm never gonna be angry with you. I'm not gonna take my anger out on you.

• 53:10Lewis Howes?

  Now, listen, I'm not perfect. Maybe one day I get frustrated and I react. I'm not saying, that's my intention.

• 53:15Mel Robbins?

  But you probably quickly clean it up.

• 53:16Lewis Howes?

  And I take responsibility.

• 53:17Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 53:18Lewis Howes?

  100% responsibility. So, I'm not saying I'm trying to be perfect here, but yes.

• 53:22Mel Robbins?

  So, what I have learned in the past two years that has been profound for me to be whole and to be able to truly stand in full power, right? And what has been profound in my marriage is that at the heart of all mental health issues for me, at the heart of all your interpersonal issues with anybody else is your own inability to handle uncomfortable feelings.

• 53:59Lewis Howes?

  That's it.

• 53:59Mel Robbins?

  That's it. And I have the just disgusting and awful toxic behavior of expelling my uncomfortable emotions at people. And my inability to tolerate stress or disappointment or frustration or expectations not being met or hurt feelings that creates this sort of disruption in my body and all of this stuff. It over the years, like I would expel it at people. I'd have a terrible tone of voice. I would blame it on my anxiety. And I didn't know any better because I didn't

• 54:44Mel Robbins?

  understand that healing actually doesn't start up here. It actually starts in your body and your ability to not only tolerate emotions, but to regulate the way that you feel when you experience emotion. And my husband has the opposite way. He withdraws. When he feels painful things in his body, he withdraws. And so the thing that has changed everything for me, Lewis, is truly realizing that, you know, I, the second I started to dig out all the uncomfortable feelings and that had happened or anything else, and I

• 55:22Mel Robbins?

  learned how to sit with it. I learned how to give myself the assurance and the love that maybe I didn't get as a kid, that I didn't experience in other relationships, that I wasn't experiencing that moment. Learning how to do that for myself, learning how to regulate my nervous system, how to tolerate the awful stuff that happens to all of us in life. That has been the biggest game changer in my relationship because I don't get angry at Chris.

• 55:53Lewis Howes?

  I hope you found this masterclass on relationships supportive on your journey to either finding your perfect relationship, your perfect person, or how to improve the relationship that you're currently in right now. Comment below your greatest takeaway. Which section did you enjoy the most? What resonated with you the most? And always, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, you matter. It's a beautiful journey, and I can't wait to see you in the next episode. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes

• 56:37Lewis Howes?

  with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel. exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you, if no one has told you lately, that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.