Mel Robbins’ 3 KEYS to Attract the Life You Want (Set HEALTHY BOUNDARIES & Protect Your ENERGY!)

Today we highlight a School of Greatness fan favorite, Mel Robbins. Together, Lewis and Mel explore deeply personal strategies for conquering anxiety, preserving your unique identity in relationships, and bringing your dream life into reality. Mel opens up about her own struggles and the life-changing discoveries that led her to develop effective techniques to calm anxiety. She also shares her wisdom on the significance of staying true to yourself in relationships and offers practical tips for manifesting your desires. Join us for a conversation filled with genuine advice and transformative insights that will empower you to lead a more fulfilling life. In this episode you will learnA simple yet powerful mind trick to instantly reduce anxiety and regain control of your thoughts. The importance of maintaining your individuality in relationships and how to stop losing yourself in the process. Strategies to manifest and attract the life you want by aligning your thoughts and actions with your goals. How to set healthy boundaries in relationships to protect your energy and well-being. The role of self-awareness and mindfulness in overcoming obstacles and creating a fulfilling life. For more information go to www.lewishowes.com/1582For more Greatness text PODCAST to +1 (614) 350-3960More SOG episodes we think you’ll love:Eckhart Tolle – https://link.chtbl.com/1463-podRhonda Byrne – https://link.chtbl.com/1525-podJohn Maxwell – https://link.chtbl.com/1501-pod Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Lewis Howes?

  Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. Welcome to this special masterclass. We've brought some of the top experts in the world to help you unlock the power of your life through this specific theme today. It's going to be powerful, so let's go ahead and dive in.

• 0:47Lewis Howes?

  What is the greatest strategies you've discovered in the last couple of years of, you know, managing stress, overcoming it, facing it, that some people can start to learn how to implement as well?

• 0:58Mel Robbins?

  Okay, so I happen to be, in my opinion, one of the world's leading experts on anxiety because I struggled with it for a long time. And a couple of our kids have had profound bouts with anxiety. And I learned things the hard way. And so, everything I'm about to share is not medical advice. It is life-tested wisdom from having to dig myself out of mental holes and messes thanks to what used to be very chronic anxiety. So first, let me explain what anxiety is. It is an alarm in your body that is designed to agitate you. That's all that anxiety is.

• 1:42Mel Robbins?

  It's an alarm in your body that is designed to agitate you, to wake you up, because that alarm wants to get your attention so that you can focus on giving yourself what you need in that moment, okay? I also want to preface what I'm about to teach everybody and to share with you by saying that a lot of this I have learned recently. And one of my favorite experts on this subject is somebody you should bring on the show. His name is Dr. Russ Kennedy. He wrote a book called Anxiety RX. And I have, for the past two years, been in...

• 2:25Mel Robbins?

  Talk therapy. And I have been in guided nervous system therapy like the EMDR. I have also done some of the psychedelic modalities in a therapeutic setting. MDMA and ketamine in terms of my own nervous system. And I've also started adding cold exposure.

• 2:49Lewis Howes?

  You're trying it all.

• 2:50Mel Robbins?

  I'm trying.

• 2:50Lewis Howes?

  Whatever it takes.

• 2:51Mel Robbins?

  Because I am so sick of living inside a body that feels on edge all the time.

• 3:01Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 3:02Mel Robbins?

  And I'm tired of having a mind that basically is on a constant campaign for what's wrong. So I made a decision that I was going to jump all into this space two years ago. So weekly therapy, EMDR.

• 3:17Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 3:18Mel Robbins?

  The ice, cold exposure, which is learning how to tolerate, basically fight or flight, and calm yourself through breathing and through the exposure. I have done the guided psychedelic stuff in terms of smoothing out my nervous system and learning how to truly, I guess, heal and reprogram my body as it relates to past trauma, and I've done traditional talk therapy. And so from Dr. Russ Kennedy, one of the things that I learned recently that is just amazing is that all anxiety comes from one source.

• 3:57Lewis Howes?

  What's that?

• 3:59Mel Robbins?

  It is when your original alarm went off as a child, and you probably don't even remember, because it happens even in moments where you're nonverbal. It's a moment of separation from parent. So the original alarm that you felt, because that's all that anxiety is. Anxiety is an alarm that's designed to wake your [BLEEP] up.

• 4:20Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 4:20Mel Robbins?

  Okay? Because you need something. So if you and I are driving down the street, Louis, and all of a sudden a car swerves in our lane, you will feel a wave of adrenaline and anxiety. That alarm goes off to get you to wake the [BLEEP] up.

• 4:33Lewis Howes?

  It's needed.

• 4:34Mel Robbins?

  And turn the car.

• 4:35Lewis Howes?

  To be on alert.

• 4:36Mel Robbins?

  Yes. But when that car is no longer in our lane, the alarm disappears. So for people with generalized anxiety, or you feel like you're in a chronic state, that what's happening is you have an alarm going off in the background all the time.

• 4:50Lewis Howes?

  That seems exhausting.

• 4:52Mel Robbins?

  It is exhausting. And so what's happened for the majority of the population in the past two years, because we are not designed to live with that much sustained uncertainty, is that you right now, I personally believe every human being, unless you are in therapy attacking this, or you have a massive meditation practice, I believe every single human being right now has their alarm turned on internally. Because for months on end, it was sustained uncertainty in the news and a brand-new experience with the lockdown. And so of course you went into an alarm state. In fact, for those of you that are working

• 5:36Mel Robbins?

  in an office where you're still on Zoom calls from 7:00 in the morning till 7:00 at night, that is a company whose culture is in an alarm state.

• 5:48Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 5:49Mel Robbins?

  Right? Everything's an emergency. Everything is on fire. Everything is constantly changing. And so what I've learned is this. And so that original source is separation, okay? Separation meaning you have an experience as a child where you feel separate from the adult and the love that you needed. There is a situation that makes you like feel nervous, and then you feel like your parent is not reassuring you. That's how it begins. This is what I learned from Dr. Kennedy that has changed my freaking life. This is actually what our episode is about, the fourth episode. It's like two hours on. We unpack the whole thing. Like it's just one mind-blowing thing after another.

• 6:33Mel Robbins?

  So I, for years, Louis, chronic anxiety. I would attack it in my thoughts. I would interrupt thoughts, I would reprogram thoughts, and it works. It works to attack the worries. But it doesn't get to the source.

• 6:49Lewis Howes?

  So it's limited, it's like a surface level working.

• 6:51Mel Robbins?

  It's part of the toolkit. Yeah, it's part of the toolkit, right? And so, you know, I'd get worried about something, I'd be like, five, four, three, two, one, and then I'd think about something else. Or I'd reprogram it, and I'd come back. But of course it comes back, because you will always have moments in your daily life that give you a wave of alarm. And by the way, anxiety is not just like feeling on edge. Anxiety is anger. Anxiety can be withdrawal. Anxiety can be any friction in your body. It manifests differently for different people.

• 7:22Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 7:22Mel Robbins?

  And so it's like when you go from a state of peace and calm to a state of being in hyper alert. That's what anxiety is. And it's this alarm that's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, pay attention. Now, most of us are afraid of it, or we don't like it. And so we try to ignore it by drinking, or ignore it by being busy, or suppress it by just [BLEEP]ing at people. But it's like this alarm in you that something's up, something's up, something's up, like I don't like that, like something is trying to wake your [BLEEP] up.

• 7:52Lewis Howes?

  And what does chronic anxiety feel like?

• 7:56Mel Robbins?

  It feels like having, it feels like you're a car that's at a intersection. And the light goes green. And your feet are on the gas and the brakes simultaneously.

• 8:10Lewis Howes?

  Oh, man.

• 8:11Mel Robbins?

  So like you're revved inside. For anybody that has childhood trauma, it can be an experience, Louis, and I'm sure you can relate to this, of like, being on edge waiting for the next shoe to drop. Having your thoughts be five or six steps ahead. Never being in the room that you're in because you're thinking about what's next. It's very, very common to have very few memories from childhood, or from your twenties, or your thirties, if you have chronic anxiety, or you have some sort of trauma that you haven't addressed, because if you're constantly on what's next, anticipating what's coming, you're never in the room where you are to make those memories. And also, when your nervous system is in a state of alert, the cognitive functioning

• 8:56Mel Robbins?

  of your brain is impaired. And so you're busy looking for what could be wrong.

• 9:01Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 9:02Mel Robbins?

  And you might be thinking about the meeting with your boss tomorrow, instead of being in the room that you're in.

• 9:07Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, and it's really hard to create from a stress state.

• 9:11Mel Robbins?

  You can't.

• 9:11Lewis Howes?

  It's very challenging to be creative and flow from stress.

• 9:16Mel Robbins?

  Yes, yes. Now, look. It's challenging because it also fuels busyness and drive. And like, being worried about something can be very motivating.

• 9:26Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 9:27Mel Robbins?

  And so it was, for a very long time, hardwired into my success. And it kept getting rewarded and rewarded and rewarded.

• 9:34Lewis Howes?

  Because you're getting results.

• 9:35Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 9:36Lewis Howes?

  In the external world, but in the internal world, you're still feeling anxious and stressed.

• 9:39Mel Robbins?

  Always. That's why it's never enough. Because I'm not even here to enjoy this conversation. I'm already thinking about the thing I need to do at 2 o'clock. I mean, I'm currently not doing that, but that was my lived reality for a long time, due to childhood trauma, due to these feelings of being separate. And so here's the huge aha moment. So, number one, anxiety is an alarm. Number two, your anxiety is from a moment where you feel separate, okay? You could feel separate from yourself. You could be walking into a huge presentation at a venture capital firm, and you feel separate from the people

• 10:23Mel Robbins?

  that are now going to watch the presentation. So you start to feel that wave and that on edge, that alarm go off, right? And the alarm is designed to get you to wake up because you need something in that moment. And here's the kicker. I always thought that anxiety was about what's wrong, okay? Anxiety is the little Lewis saying, "Hey, I need a little reassurance right now." "Hey, I need a little love right now." That's all that it is. And when you can teach yourself, in moments where the alarm goes off, Lewis,

• 11:06Mel Robbins?

  to not race up to your head and start negotiating, it's gonna be fine. These venture capital people are gonna love you. That helps, on some level, to be like, "No, I'm excited to do this. I got this," to coach yourself through it. But if you really want to transform your experience of life... Go from the shoulders down. Notice that there's an alarm going off. Then I want you to realize it's the little you saying, "I feel a little nervous right now. Could you just tell me I'm gonna be okay?" And I've gotten to the point where I can just put my hand right here. Find the spot that feels right for you. And literally give yourself a little love, as stupid as that sounds.

• 11:51Mel Robbins?

  And that alarm goes off. It's freaking nuts.

• 11:57Lewis Howes?

  It's learning how to parent yourself. The wounded child inside of you, you being the adult in the room.

• 12:02Mel Robbins?

  It is. And the big game changer, though, is that it's about needing love from yourself. Because if you're experiencing anxiety, you are not, you're also blocking yourself from love and from assurance and from the [BLEEP] that you need. And you might not have gotten as a kid.

• 12:21Lewis Howes?

  What happens if you put your need to be loved on someone or something else?

• 12:26Mel Robbins?

  Then you lose control of it.

• 12:28Lewis Howes?

  Because it's always depending on, do they accept me? Do they like me? Do they invest in me?

• 12:32Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, do they invest in me? Do they hire me? How do I do? Like, is my podcast rating high? Like, every day, you are going to experience moments where that alarm goes off. Because every single day in life, there is something that will trigger insecurity or feeling separate. You know, one example I can give you that's really simple is I was invited to a little, like, party in my new community. And it may be odd to people to hear this, but even though I'm extroverted, I still get nervous when I walk into any kind of networking meeting or any kind of room with a lot of people in it where I'm gonna have to introduce myself, there is an experience

• 13:18Mel Robbins?

  of feeling separate from everybody. And so even walking into a small gathering at somebody's house where I know everybody, the point of which is for me to get to know people better, walking in, I could feel the alarm going off. And having just learned what I learned, I was like, "Oh, that's interesting." I'm feeling this noticeable separation and all I need to do is be like, you got this. Like it's okay that you feel a little nervous. You can take a breath. You can walk in there when you're ready. It's gonna be good. Like giving myself exactly what I needed, which was a little love and reassurance, it completely went away.

• 13:57Lewis Howes?

  Right. It's powerful.

• 13:59Mel Robbins?

  It's really powerful because I think most of us that experience waves of anxiety hate it. I hate it. I'm like, I hate this. Like get rid of this. Why do I have to be out? I'm gonna have anxiety forever.

• 14:09Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 14:10Mel Robbins?

  And the truth is that when I, yes, you need talk therapy. Yes, you need to use the five second rule and interrupt the habit of worrying. And yes, you need to reprogram a different way of talking to yourself. And yes, you need to go and high five the mirror, which by the way is also neck up because you're taking a physical action that then triggers new programming up here. But it all begins with an alarm in the body. So if you want to heal this, you have to start to go neck down. You need to start to learn how to, in those moments, not be annoyed or scared of the alarm,

• 14:50Mel Robbins?

  but to actually turn toward it. So that's number one. Go toward the alarm. Know that it's a call from the little you needing a moment of reassurance or love. And you'll start to spot it all the time now.

• 15:05Lewis Howes?

  And not needing the reassurance from others, but yourself.

• 15:08Mel Robbins?

  No, from yourself.

• 15:09Lewis Howes?

  Because if you only rely on others and they don't give it to you when you need it, you're gonna feel anxious.

• 15:14Mel Robbins?

  Yeah. Well, think about this. If I were to start to cry right now and tell you that I'm super anxious and something's happened and na, na, na, na, na, what would you do?

• 15:24Lewis Howes?

  I would support you and comfort you and give you a hug.

• 15:26Mel Robbins?

  Yes. And how would that make me feel amazing?

• 15:28Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 15:29Mel Robbins?

  But we don't do it to ourselves.

• 15:32Lewis Howes?

  Well, if you're alone and you don't have that person with you.

• 15:34Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 15:35Lewis Howes?

  How do you handle it on your own?

• 15:36Mel Robbins?

  You hug yourself. Literally take a towel and go like this. It feels like a frickin' hug. Put your hands on your heart and take a couple of deep breaths and tell yourself what you would tell somebody else. And the alarm disappears because it's not trying to tell you that something's wrong.

• 15:56Mel Robbins?

  The alarm of anxiety is telling you that there is something missing right now for you. And what's missing is a feeling of safety and a feeling of like deep connection with self. That's all that's missing. And so when you reframe it as a way to let love in and that it is a way to let love in from yourself, you start to change the way that your body experiences moments that trigger you from childhood. And so like I think so much of what I am trying to put out into the world is this notion that everything needs to start with addressing these feelings that we have.

• 16:40Mel Robbins?

  Like for me, you want to change your life, there is a very simple formula that's not easy to do. You need to take action before you feel like it. You need to take the actions that the person that has what you really want and deserve in your life, you need to take the same type of actions before you feel like that person. You must act first, period. That's how you change. When it comes to healing your body and when it comes to anxiety, you have to, instead of running away from it or numbing it, because the anxiety feeling is triggering you to grab the alcohol. It's triggering you to get very busy and start running errands

• 17:25Mel Robbins?

  or to, it's triggering you to turn on the TV or hit the vape pen or hit the joint or whatever. And that feeling could be boredom. It could be a sense of overwhelm. It could be insecurity. Like, because think about what happens. Let's take the example of you're dating and somebody hasn't texted you in a day. They left you unread, you know? Like you start to get that wave. The alarm goes off. Because what do you need? You need some love and reassurance. But what we do instead is, you know, you see that you're still unread and you grab the vape pen. That is you dealing with your anxiety in a destructive way. What do you do? You like start scrolling through social media, which makes you insecure. That is you trying to distract yourself or numb or whatever,

• 18:10Mel Robbins?

  this uncomfortable feeling that you don't know how to deal with. When really, that feeling requires one action. Love. Love from self.

• 18:20Lewis Howes?

  But why is it so hard for so many people to love and accept themselves?

• 18:26Mel Robbins?

  Because when you were a child, love was transactional. You were taught that if you're doing what I want, I love you. We all do it. I did it to my kids, too. And I didn't mean to. Like, we all parent. We try to parent through connection, but we tend to correct our kids a lot. And so you learn that if I'm not doing what you want me to do, then you don't like me right now. You don't love me. And we learn that if we are getting into the right school, or we're getting good grades, or our team is doing well in sports, or we are interested in medicine because dad's interested in medicine, that that's how you earn love.

• 19:12Mel Robbins?

  And, you know, it's very hard to, with day-to-day life, not do something that fucks your kids up.

• 19:21Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 19:21Mel Robbins?

  Because they're...

• 19:22Lewis Howes?

  Even being conscious and healthy and all these right things.

• 19:24Mel Robbins?

  Of course, because you can't read your mind. You can't...

• 19:28Lewis Howes?

  You don't know what they're perceiving and how they take your conversation and what you said, what you didn't say.

• 19:32Mel Robbins?

  Yep, yep, yep. And they are learning by observing and absorbing. And so that means that there are going to be moments where they deeply need a hug and they need a quieter tone of voice. And you've just slammed your laptop shut and you've just yelled out something because of somebody being like a jerk to you at work. And your kid was standing behind you and needed something. And so I think that

• 20:00Mel Robbins?

  that's why we don't actually know how to love ourselves.

• 20:07Mel Robbins?

  You have a way that you deal with pain. Because when you feel disappointed, that is a form of pain. And a lot of us either withdraw from it or we try to expel it in some way.

• 20:20Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 20:21Mel Robbins?

  Or you try to outrun it.

• 20:23Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, another thing I was thinking about as you're saying this is kind of like figuring out what your main currency is in a relationship, why you want to have a relationship, and your main currency in life. For me, at this season of my life, my main currency is peace, wanting to create and experience peace within me and within my relationship. Because the world is gonna have challenges and disasters and adversities, and my business, there's gonna be things already thrown at me in my life, but in my relationship, I want peace. So that was, and she wants, you know, adventure and exploration and fun and all these things, but she wants peace as well. And so I'm like, okay, cool, I'm cool with all that, as long as it's peaceful too.

• 21:05Mel Robbins?

  Well, one of the things that I'm working on right now, and I don't have the answer to this, is I, you know, obviously, I know I married an introvert, right? And Chris is the definition of peace. I mean, the guy is a

• 21:22Lewis Howes?

  That's amazing.

• 21:22Mel Robbins?

  Buddhist meditation instructor.

• 21:24Lewis Howes?

  Incredible.

• 21:25Mel Robbins?

  He is getting a master's in transpersonal psychology right now. He leads men's retreats. He's a yoga instructor.

• 21:31Lewis Howes?

  It's amazing.

• 21:31Mel Robbins?

  He works for hospice. He's about to get a certificate to be a death doula. Like, when you talk about somebody that is deeply spiritual, grounded, introverted person, who really connects with people one-on-one, that's my husband. And so the thing that I'm really trying to figure out in this next chapter of our marriage, because I feel like in many ways, we are in the beginning of a second marriage, because we have done so much work on ourselves, and our kids are now grown up, and there's this opportunity after 28 years to really look at each other with fresh eyes, right?

• 22:12Lewis Howes?

  That's beautiful.

• 22:13Mel Robbins?

  It's so beautiful.

• 22:14Lewis Howes?

  It's huge.

• 22:15Mel Robbins?

  And so I, instead of, there's two things that I want to share that have really helped me. One is, instead of focusing on the things that I don't like about Chris, right? And there are plenty of things he does not like about me, but if he could wave a magic wand, I would change this about my wife, Mel.

• 22:38Mel Robbins?

  One of the things that I've done is to say, well, what is, like, describe two moments where you just felt that like, oh my God, this is my person. And so there are two moments, and this is a great exercise to do. Like, just think, what are those two moments that really encapsulate, like, just that flood of peace and love and safety and connection? And one of them for me with Chris is this. We had just met, and we were meeting to go out to dinner after work in New York City. And I was standing in front of that Flatiron Building on, you know, 23rd. Love it. And I looked up Fifth Ave.

• 23:22Mel Robbins?

  And I could see Chris coming. And he was wearing a suit, and he had a messenger bag slung over his shoulders. He had Ray-Bans on, and he was rollerblading and weaving in and out of traffic, because he grew up as a ski racer, and he's like a big adventurer. And he had this huge smile on his face. And it was like, strength at play. Right? That was what I felt. And then the second thing that came to mind is that when we first got together, we almost, like, a couple of months after knowing each other, we went out to Utah to meet his best friend, who was already married.

• 24:07Mel Robbins?

  And Jeff and Dars live in Idaho, and, like, they're basically pioneers. You know, they hunt, they fish, they, like, live in a log cabin, built their own house, like, they're frickin' amazing. And so we went fishing. And there was a freak snowstorm that night. And so, literally, it started snowing as we're cooking dinner, like, in June, dude. And so, I'm thinking, what have I gotten myself into? So I go back to the tent. And I'm rummaging around for a sweatshirt of some kind and I noticed my sleeping bag is warm. And I flipped the bag open and Chris has filled up one of those Nalgene bottles with hot water. He had boiled on a campfire and stuck it in there like a hot pocket.

• 24:52Lewis Howes?

  That's pretty nice.

• 24:52Mel Robbins?

  Right?

• 24:53Lewis Howes?

  Very thoughtful.

• 24:54Mel Robbins?

  Yes. And so, those are two memories and so I came up with this.

• 25:00Lewis Howes?

  He's doing an act of service for you.

• 25:01Mel Robbins?

  No.

• 25:02Lewis Howes?

  Because that's what he wants. So he's doing the thing he wants.

• 25:04Mel Robbins?

  No kidding. And meanwhile, I'm ignoring him and telling him he's so amazing. And he can't even hear it because he wants acts of service. And so, because his parents weren't home, right? Growing up. So he, um, so I developed an avatar for the behavior in Chris that I love. I call it my trip leader. Because when we're out hiking, when we're on an adventure, Chris is in charge. He has strength at play. He is a caretaker. He's 55 steps ahead of me. I'm the yard sale in the back. Like, that is when he shines. And so, it has been super helpful for me to remind myself that he's a trip leader.

• 25:48Mel Robbins?

  Because it makes me take a step back. And it allows him to take a step forward into his power. So that's one thing that I've been working on. And the second thing that I'm working on is this sense, you called it peace. And we've talked about this sort of mismatch and the mismatch being that you might speak different love languages. You might have different values or a different lifestyle.

• 26:11Lewis Howes?

  Extrovert, introvert.

• 26:12Mel Robbins?

  Extrovert, introvert, all that kind of stuff. That if you are gonna work to close that gap somehow without changing one another, realize that your marriage doesn't have to be everything and it shouldn't be.

• 26:28Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 26:28Mel Robbins?

  And so, for a while, I started to get nervous because Chris is very introverted. I mean, we live in southern Vermont on the side of a mountain now. And I started to realize, I'm actually sad here all the time. Like, a part of me needs this spaciousness, but I have to be around people.

• 26:47Lewis Howes?

  Me too.

• 26:48Mel Robbins?

  I have to have the buzz.

• 26:49Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, and grab coffee and see people.

• 26:51Mel Robbins?

  Yes, I need to go do something. Not every day.

• 26:53Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 26:54Mel Robbins?

  And so, I started to realize, well, wait a minute. I don't have to turn Chris into like the party guy.

• 27:03Mel Robbins?

  I can have my friends be that. I can have work be that. Like, I can fill that in different areas instead of being frustrated that this one person isn't filling everything. And so, really recognizing, I think, what somebody's capacity is, allowing them to step forward in certain roles, but allowing them to be themselves and step back in others and not punishing them for it.

• 27:28Lewis Howes?

  Hundred percent.

• 27:29Mel Robbins?

  That is something that I've been... Chris is better at it than I am. Like, he's way more forgiving. He's way kinder. He's more patient.

• 27:39Lewis Howes?

  Sure. And he's probably creating boundaries, just like you are.

• 27:42Mel Robbins?

  Oh, yeah.

• 27:42Lewis Howes?

  Which is key.

• 27:43Mel Robbins?

  Yeah. You know what we've spent the last three therapy sessions talking about?

• 27:48Lewis Howes?

  Boundaries?

• 27:48Mel Robbins?

  Nope.

• 27:49Lewis Howes?

  What?

• 27:50Mel Robbins?

  A new puppy.

• 27:51Lewis Howes?

  You're getting a new puppy? One of you wants one, one of you doesn't?

• 27:54Mel Robbins?

  The whole family wants a puppy.

• 27:56Lewis Howes?

  But you don't?

• 27:56Mel Robbins?

  Chris doesn't.

• 27:57Lewis Howes?

  He doesn't?

• 27:58Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 27:58Lewis Howes?

  Because he knows he's gonna have to do all the work.

• 28:00Mel Robbins?

  Yes!

• 28:00Lewis Howes?

  He's like, "I don't want this. I'm already doing all the work."

• 28:02Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, for the dog that we got two and a half years ago.

• 28:06Lewis Howes?

  Exactly. He's already like... Two hours of my day is going towards the dog activities. While you guys are off working and doing this and running your lives, yeah. It's a lot of big responsibility.

• 28:16Mel Robbins?

  Well, because the puppy is an example of bigger themes.

• 28:22Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm. And he doesn't want to abandon himself to please others.

• 28:26Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 28:26Lewis Howes?

  And that's probably what he's done for 26 years. Not with everything. I'm sure it's not like all like that. But this is what I had to learn in the last two years of therapy too, is just like, okay, I was always trying to make someone else happy because they were never happy with who I was. And they never accepted me, so they always wanted to change me. And so, I would change who I am to try to please them.

• 28:45Mel Robbins?

  Right.

• 28:46Lewis Howes?

  And then after months and months and years, you're like, "I'm just abandoning who my real nature is for one human being and dimming my light." And I'm not trying to blame anyone here. This is all my responsibility by choosing and staying in relationships. So, it's not their fault. It's my responsibility to exit or to know this when it happens and have a conscious conversation calmly and take responsibility and say, "No, I'm not gonna do this. Are you okay with who I am?" But I think creating those boundaries and not abandoning yourself is such a key element to healthy relationships.

• 29:18Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 29:18Lewis Howes?

  So it's, it takes a lot of courage after 26 years for him to start speaking up probably about.

• 29:24Mel Robbins?

  About what he needs.

• 29:25Lewis Howes?

  As opposed to just saying, okay, it'll make all my family happy, I'm gonna do this.

• 29:29Mel Robbins?

  Well, he was trained as a kid that his needs don't matter.

• 29:31Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 29:32Mel Robbins?

  And so.

• 29:33Lewis Howes?

  It's really good for him.

• 29:33Mel Robbins?

  And so it's incredible. It's absolutely incredible. It's a huge gift to have this side of my husband showing up after all of these years. And it's a huge gift to me to actually have a partner that's helping me heal and be softer.

• 29:51Lewis Howes?

  That's beautiful.

• 29:52Mel Robbins?

  And have somebody take care of me. And it's just incredible. And so, you know, the thing is, is that the wrong relationship magnifies your insecurity and your emotional dysregulation. And the right relationship with a lot of work helps you heal.

• 30:11Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely. How should we manifest the dreams that we have inside of us?

• 30:19Mel Robbins?

  Okay.

• 30:20Lewis Howes?

  And what's your thoughts about the law of attraction, on how to apply it the right way, or?

• 30:25Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, I think, well, I think the law of attraction and manifesting are the same thing. So law of attraction, for everybody who has not read The Secret, is simply your thoughts become things. And it's true, we've talked all about how when you have a negative self-talk, it tends to draw more of that to you. I think about it like lint in a dryer. Once negative stuff starts collecting, it collects a lot more. We can also talk about your brain filter, something called the reticular activity system, and how it is a live network that filters the brain. We'll dig into that deeper, but let's do surface level right now, manifesting law of attraction. So here's what everybody gets wrong about manifesting.

• 31:03Mel Robbins?

  Everybody, at least kind of in the mass market, what you're trained to think about when you think about manifesting is vision boards. And when you hear the word vision boards, you think about the big stuff. Should you have big dreams? Of course you should. Should you dream of building a mansion on the ocean if that's your thing? Yes. Should you dream of the log cabin? Yes. If you want a Lamborghini or the new Ford Bronco, should you? Yeah, yes, yes, yes. If you want the family, if you want the body, should you think about? Yeah, absolutely. Here's where everybody goes wrong. You dream about the end. You make this gorgeous collage of all this stuff that has nothing to do with your current life.

• 31:46Mel Robbins?

  That literally, as you're sitting in your studio apartment with the cat box that hasn't been changed in two weeks.

• 31:52Lewis Howes?

  No food in the fridge.

• 31:53Mel Robbins?

  No food in the fridge. And you're looking for a job and you're staring at a mansion going, someday. It's gonna make you feel like a loser. Because the gap between where you are and where you want to go, it seems insurmountable. And so what happens, based on the research, is when you only visualize the end game, Louis, it's demotivating. At first, it's really fun to like have a bottle of wine and make your like collage. I'm gonna visualize, I'm gonna slap this up. There's my vision board, fabulous. Love attraction, baby. Come on. I'm gonna think about it, it's gonna come to me.

• 32:28Mel Robbins?

  Okay, I've been doing this for two days. I'm not, I'm still in this apartment with the cat box that needs to be changed. The way to visualize properly is to visualize the bridge between where you are and where you need to go.

• 32:42Lewis Howes?

  The bridge.

• 32:42Mel Robbins?

  Yes, and particularly the horrible stuff. So let's use your example of the marathon. The vision board would be Louis crossing.

• 32:54Lewis Howes?

  With the arms up at the metal.

• 32:56Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, the arms up at the metal, exactly.

• 32:57Lewis Howes?

  The high fives, yeah, I did it.

• 32:58Mel Robbins?

  High fives, yes, I did it, exactly. That will not help you. Because when you hit mile 13 on the actual race and it is sleeting rain.

• 33:08Lewis Howes?

  You're saying, "Why am I doing this?"

• 33:09Mel Robbins?

  Yes, and it feels nothing like that thing on your vision board. You're going to start a negative dialogue. "I can't do this. My knees hurt. This is not what I thought it was gonna be. I'm not ready for this. I didn't train for this. I'm running New York. I trained in LA. Are you running in New York?"

• 33:23Lewis Howes?

  LA.

• 33:24Mel Robbins?

  Okay, good. Well, then at least you trained in the right weather. So on and on and on, and you are going to tank yourself. What you do by visualizing the bridge is you train your nervous system and your mind to do the hard work. So you should visualize not crossing the finish line, but what is it like to be at mile 12 when your batteries run out on your earbuds?

• 33:46Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 33:46Mel Robbins?

  Oh, I'm serious. And you keep going. What's it like when your shoelace breaks? And now your heel is lifting and you're starting to get a blood blister at mile 17. What's it feel like when you wake up and it is pouring rain? And you visualize yourself running anyway. That way, when you visualize the work, you are preparing your body for it so you're not resistant to it when it comes.

• 34:14Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 34:15Mel Robbins?

  Isn't that cool?

• 34:16Lewis Howes?

  I think it's great. It's a story that I had. George St. Pierre, who's one of the greatest UFC fighters of all time. He said that he always puts himself in the most uncomfortable situations in practice leading up to the fight. The most, you know, the hardest situations to get himself out of. When his arms are behind his back and his face against the mat in between the fence and he's just getting punched in the face. He's like, "How do I get out of this?"

• 34:44Mel Robbins?

  Right, right.

• 34:44Lewis Howes?

  He's like, visualize that and seeing, "How can I get through this?"

• 34:48Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 34:49Lewis Howes?

  Where it seems like, "I just wanna tap out."

• 34:52Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 34:52Lewis Howes?

  Instead of tapping out, what's the process for figuring out how to get through it?

• 34:56Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 34:56Lewis Howes?

  To then raise my hand at the end victorious.

• 34:59Mel Robbins?

  Totally. And so you are literally building up almost like this resilience and this muscle inside of you to do the work to get the thing. So yeah, create the vision board, but make sure in addition to crossing the finish line, you have somebody running in the rain. You have somebody who, you have an alarm clock that says 5:13. You have, you know, these images that show the stuff that you don't want to do. So like for people who want to launch a business, for example. Like a lot of people that I'm sure follow both of us are dying to launch a business or interested in being an influencer, social media, or making money online. And what you visualize are the checks. Or you visualize the money you're gonna make. Or you visualize how cool it's gonna be when you're a lifestyle entrepreneur, or whatever the hell it is.

• 35:43Mel Robbins?

  Don't do that. Visualize working a day job and telling your friends that you're not gonna go out tonight because you're working on something. Visualize making cold calls and being told no. Visualize not going to that party because you're staying in on a Saturday and not going to the barbecue because you're putting in the work. Visualize sitting in a seminar and learning from other people. Visualize watching YouTube videos. Visualize your first ever course failing miserably. Like, literally, that's the sort of thing that you want to visualize yourself doing and pushing through. Because that's gonna help you do the work. Isn't that cool?

• 36:19Lewis Howes?

  I think that's great. Yeah, visualizing. So in order to manifest what you want, don't just visualize the good things happening. Visualize the bridge, all the things it's gonna take to get there.

• 36:28Mel Robbins?

  Yes, and the hard parts of the bridge. Because then you're ready for it. Then you're like, I didn't expect this to be this hard. I mean, it's still gonna be hard. But you're less likely to quit.

• 36:38Lewis Howes?

  Yes. So what have you done in the last five years to help you manifest after the first book? Were you doing this as well? Or kind of once you get on a rhythm and build momentum, does it become easier to manifest, in your opinion?

• 36:52Mel Robbins?

  Well, so I am constantly training my mind to work for me. And there's this little trick that I talk about in the book that is all sort of the beginning of having a high five attitude. And a high five attitude is the ability to catch yourself when you're going mentally low and to flip yourself back up into a high five attitude. The thing that I know to be true is that you cannot control the things around you. You can't control what's gonna happen. You can't even control how your nervous system might respond or what thoughts might pop into your head. But you can always choose what you do next and what you make it mean, right? And so that's where all the power is.

• 37:34Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 37:34Mel Robbins?

  And so I do this thing where I... This is again, it's gonna sound so dumb, but it's a way for me to introduce you to the power that your mind has to change in real time.

• 37:51Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 37:51Mel Robbins?

  We've talked a lot about negative self-talk. And part of the reason why negative self-talk is so crippling is not only because you've repeated it for so long and now it's a pattern, but it's also because you have a filter on your brain called the reticular activity system, okay? This puppy is the keys to everything. And it's remarkable that most of us have never heard of it. We've experienced it, but we don't know how to use it to our advantage. So first, let me tell you what the RAS does. Then I'm gonna give you an example of when you've experienced it in your life. And then I'm going to explain to you how to use it to get what you want in life.

• 38:35Mel Robbins?

  This is like the super attractor manifesting, and it also works for interrupting negative self-talk. Like it's gonna supercharge all the work you're doing with the mirror and interrupting thoughts. So first, let's talk about the RAS. So the RAS, imagine a hairnet on your brain. Only it's like electric, meaning it's alive, okay? Now, the RAS has one job. And the job is block out 99% of what's going on and let in 1% of what's going on. Our brains, at this moment in history, are having to process about 34 days' worth of cellphone data.

• 39:12Mel Robbins?

  In one day.

• 39:13Lewis Howes?

  Crazy.

• 39:14Mel Robbins?

  It's crazy. And so your RAS is a monster job. It's like a bouncer at a bar. You're not coming in, you can come in. And you've experienced this. So have you ever shopped for a car?

• 39:25Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 39:25Mel Robbins?

  Okay, so what's the last car you bought?

• 39:27Lewis Howes?

  Tesla.

• 39:27Mel Robbins?

  Oh, Tesla. Oh, fancy. Lewis Howes. I like that.

• 39:31Lewis Howes?

  Well, I never had a, I never had a nice car until three years ago. I had a $4,000 car for five years before that.

• 39:38Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 39:39Lewis Howes?

  And then I was like, you know what? I have no Bluetooth. I have no, it's like, I just needed an upgrade.

• 39:44Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, I love it. You deserve it.

• 39:45Lewis Howes?

  It was a 1991.

• 39:45Mel Robbins?

  Dude, you deserve it.

• 39:46Lewis Howes?

  I had a 1991 Cadillac. And I was like, okay, we'll buy a car. So I bought a Tesla, yeah.

• 39:50Mel Robbins?

  Right. And so before you thought about buying a Tesla, you drive down the road, you don't really think about it. The second you're like, you know, I think I'm interested in a Tesla. What do you see everywhere?

• 39:58Lewis Howes?

  Teslas.

• 39:59Mel Robbins?

  Yes, everywhere.

• 40:00Lewis Howes?

  Everywhere.

• 40:00Mel Robbins?

  My husband just bought a pickup truck. I'd never even noticed him. Now I'm like, there are baby blue pickup trucks everywhere. What is going on? That's the bouncer in your brain. And let me tell you how this works. There are only four things that automatically get through the bouncer in your brain, the RAS. Number one, your name. So you've experienced being in a crowded place and somebody's like, you think you hear Lewis and you're like, huh? Somebody call my name? That was the bouncer in your brain. The second thing that always gets let in is any threat to your safety. So there are loud noises all the, all the time, but only ones in close proximity make you go like this. That was the bouncer in your brain letting it in.

• 40:37Mel Robbins?

  The third thing that gets let in is when you sense that your partner is interested in sex with you or someone else. You're like, Chris, you know, who are you looking, stop looking at her. You know what I'm saying? You kind of pick up on the signals. That's the bouncer in your brain. And the fourth one, and this is where, this is the billion dollar thing that everybody needs to know. The bouncer in your brain lets in whatever you think.

• 41:06Mel Robbins?

  is important to you.

• 41:08Mel Robbins?

  So when you get intentional about telling your brain what's important to you, like I'm interested in a Tesla, your brain's literally like, oh, let's let all the Teslas in, come on in. Here's the downside to this. If you have told yourself that you are a bad person for the last 10 years, guess what your brain thinks is important? Examples that mean you're a bad person.

• 41:33Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 41:34Mel Robbins?

  So I'm going to give you a very specific example. So I personally don't think I'm a bad person. I don't think I'm perfect, but I know I do my best. I mean well. I don't have that story about myself at all. I used to, but I don't. And let's say I oversleep and I miss the dentist. I miss the dentist appointment. I'm like, oh, I gotta pay the 25 bucks. I had to reschedule that thing. That kind of blows. That's all I think. And then I go on. My daughter, who constantly beats herself up and says she's a bad person, this is a real example, by the way, she oversleeps, misses a dentist appointment, and it becomes, see, I always screw everything up. I'm a terror. I'm always messing things up. I'm

• 42:18Mel Robbins?

  like, everything that gets let in confirms that you're a bad person.

• 42:23Lewis Howes?

  She finds proof and evidence.

• 42:25Mel Robbins?

  Yes, that's the bouncer in your mind. I'm here to tell you that when you get intentional about what you want to think about yourself, it changes in real time what your brain lets in and what it doesn't. That helps you with the other things that you're doing. The high five in the mirror, I'm not thinking about that, the pathetic mantra, hey, you know, just because I missed the dentist appointment, doesn't mean I'm a bad person. I'm doing the best I can here. Give myself a break. High five. You know what I'm saying? Shake it off. Get back in there. It's true, right?

• 42:59Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 42:59Mel Robbins?

  Because it's these little things. Somebody cuts you off. Somebody reaches for the last thing of cereal that you wanted to buy at the grocery store. You think it's like a sign that the world's out to get you. This is all your story and your mind skewing the world to prove all of the stuff you keep repeating. And the only way to get a handle on it is to start acting the opposite, like high five yourself, even though you don't feel like it. Interrupt the crap that you keep saying. Put your hands on your heart and settle your body down.

• 43:31Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 43:32Mel Robbins?

  All of these things are things that somebody does when they care about themselves. When they think they deserve to be treated with kindness.

• 43:40Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 43:41Mel Robbins?

  When they think they deserve support. And when they realize they need it. And when you start to build yourself back up, you'll show up very differently in other relationships.

• 43:52Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 43:53Mel Robbins?

  You know, if you tolerate this kind of treatment from yourself, you'll tolerate it from other people.

• 43:57Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 43:58Mel Robbins?

  It does begin with you.

• 44:00Lewis Howes?

  When you create boundaries, you don't abandon yourself, then you won't abandon yourself with other people either.

• 44:05Mel Robbins?

  Correct.

• 44:06Lewis Howes?

  You won't let them cross the boundaries.

• 44:07Mel Robbins?

  Correct. Like, if you stand in front of the mirror every single morning and you're like, "I look like crap. I am not good enough. I'm unhappy with my life." And then you step into a relationship and somebody leaves you on red and they ghost you for three days, like, you come to expect that. Because that's how you believe you think you deserve to be treated. When you stand in front of a mirror and you're like, "Hey, you're awesome. We got this. I got you. I know it's hard, you know? We're gonna go do this." Or, "Hey, this is a big day today. I've got this huge presentation. I am going to destroy this." You know, like, you get into it, you're excited. Like, then you're creating momentum for yourself.

• 44:50Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 44:51Mel Robbins?

  Otherwise, what? You're gonna stand there like, "Oh, my God, I screwed this up. I'm not prepared." Like, it's like the negative morning routine. It leads to negative actions.

• 45:01Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 45:02Mel Robbins?

  So, this training thing, training your RES. So, here's what I want you to do. Starting tomorrow, after you wake up and make your bed and kind of settle your nervous system and high-five yourself after setting your intentions, so now you're like sending yourself into your morning routine in a totally different way with a calmed-down nervous system, an intention, and this boost of feeling supported and loved and celebrated. I want you to find one naturally occurring heart shape as you go through your day.

• 45:34Lewis Howes?

  I saw this in your book, yeah.

• 45:35Mel Robbins?

  Yeah. It could be a stone. It could be a leaf on the ground. It could be a cloud shape. It could be a coffee stain. It could be an oil stain on the floor of a garage. It could be a spot on a dog walking by. I want you to tell your mind. Let's find a heart. Let's see if we can find a heart. And something weird's gonna happen. You're gonna see something. And then I want you to literally supersize what's going on in your brain. And what you do is when you see the heart, I want you to then take a moment and literally congratulate yourself, like feel like, oh my God, I found it. Like whatever you believe in, God, the universe, like greater connection. You put that there for me and I found it.

• 46:17Mel Robbins?

  And I want you to feel this kind of wave of, that's kind of cool.

• 46:21Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 46:22Mel Robbins?

  I just saw a heart. And then that positive thing, remember how I told you, the bouncer in your brain pays attention to what's important to you. When you get your nervous system celebratory involved, that makes your brain really pay attention. Just like trauma makes your brain pay attention.

• 46:40Lewis Howes?

  It does.

• 46:41Mel Robbins?

  So you supercharge the experience by celebrating it and then look for another one around. I see hearts all day long.

• 46:49Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 46:49Mel Robbins?

  And what happens when you start to play this game is you will start to realize you are walking by an entirely different world every single day because you're not looking for it. There are opportunities. There are signs. There are mile markers on your path that you are literally tuning out.

• 47:12Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 47:13Mel Robbins?

  And we can all sit in this moment, Louis, and look back and see how the dots of our life connect us here. The coolest thing about practicing the high five habit, this training of finding hearts and the high five attitude, is that you start to ground yourself in the idea that this too is a dot on the map of your life. And it is leading you somewhere incredible. And when you start to have that kind of high five attitude, that there are signs, whether it's the little hearts that you're now seeing, or it's your ability to catch guilt, or people pleasing, or insecurity, or the negative self-talk and be like, nope, not going down. Not thinking about that. Five, four, three, two, one. Let's get that high five attitude back. I can, I can do this. I can have my own back.

• 47:58Mel Robbins?

  It's not gonna be perfect, but I can keep going.

• 48:00Lewis Howes?

  And you were just talking about how you never truly learned how to love yourself in your own skin. And you started this daily ritual, this habit of high fiving yourself in the mirror.

• 48:11Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 48:13Lewis Howes?

  I mean, you've lived a pretty full life right now, but you feel like really you've never truly learned how to love yourself, but now you feel like you know how to?

• 48:21Mel Robbins?

  Yes, I do.

• 48:23Lewis Howes?

  Why did you not know how to love yourself in the first place?

• 48:27Mel Robbins?

  Oh, that's a big question. I think that most of us are not taught how to love ourselves just for being alive.

• 48:36Lewis Howes?

  For existing.

• 48:36Mel Robbins?

  For existing, thank you.

• 48:38Lewis Howes?

  It's always like we have to accomplish something.

• 48:39Mel Robbins?

  Correct.

• 48:40Lewis Howes?

  Then we can get love.

• 48:41Mel Robbins?

  Yes, it's the same thing with happiness. Like you're chasing it and you think that if you achieve something, you're gonna get it. And you also, or at least I, felt the most loved when I was little, when I was achieving something. And, you know, I think that most parents kind of fall into this camp. And it's really interesting to write a book about this and sort of trace back how we go from being little teeny babies that would crawl up to a mirror and put our hands up and kiss ourselves and love the sight of ourselves, to being a self-loathing adult that stands in front of a mirror and either ignores or criticizes your very existence. And I believe that a lot of this has to do with

• 49:25Mel Robbins?

  the fact that so much of what you learned as a kid is if you do what I tell you to do, then I'll like you, then I'll love you. And so much of your existence becomes complying, fitting in, not making people angry. You learn how to sort of go in and out of spaces, belong to groups, make sure people like you, and you stop focusing on how you were born, which is looking in a mirror and liking yourself.

• 49:56Lewis Howes?

  I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review. You on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you if no one has told you lately that

• 50:36Lewis Howes?

  you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.