If Your Partner Deeply Loves You, They Will Do These 3 Things! w/ Stephan Speaks EP 1351

Stephan Labossiere is a man on a mission, and that mission is to make relationships happier and more fulfilling. As a certified relationship coach, speaker, and author, Stephan seizes every opportunity to help both men and women overcome the challenges that hinder their relationships. In this episode you will learn,Why making the safe choice in a partner almost always fails. The conversations you need to have before committing to a relationship. To establish a great structure for communication early in your relationship. The problems with splitting things 50/50 in a relationship. For more, go to lewishowes.com/1351 Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Stephan Speaks?

  In order for it to be safe, it means you are not deeply invested. You may be invested, it may be deep compared to certain people's perceptions of deep, but it's not as deep as you know you can go.

• 0:15Lewis Howes?

  Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 0:39Lewis Howes?

  We were just talking about sex. We were talking about that women have been told that they have no hope after 30. And we were talking about, and I was also going to ask you about the biggest reasons why people fail in relationships. And I'm curious, before we get to the sex and the hope for women after 30 in relationships, why do you think, or what are the three biggest reasons why people fail in a relationship? Why they end up getting divorced, end up getting separated, breaking up? Why do you think the, what are those three things that cause that?

• 1:13Stephan Speaks?

  So number one, lack of healing. Lack of healing because lack of healing probably leads them to choosing the wrong person to begin with, which is the foundation for disaster. Because at that point, there's not, everything else I'm about to mention, you can't really work it out with this person because you're just not in alignment with them. It's not a good fit. And so a lot of people are trying to make things work with someone they just, they just can't match up with properly, you know?

• 1:41Lewis Howes?

  Is that trauma bonding or what is that? How does that play a part?

• 1:44Stephan Speaks?

  Some of it is trauma bonding, some of it is individual. So what's happening is this phenomena, if you want to call it, that people are choosing individuals that are quote unquote, "good enough to be with", but they don't really make them feel deeply about them. Because if I'm a man or a woman and I've been hurt before, and I've been hurt when I let my heart out completely, I fear being that vulnerable. So now... You don't really ever learn how to not feel deeply about someone if they're just that person. But people learn who I can deal with and not fall deeply for. So, okay, I can be with this person and maintain emotional control.

• 2:27Stephan Speaks?

  They don't take me there, so I don't ever feel like I'm too vulnerable in this situation. Do you think a lot of women choose the safe guy as opposed to the right guy? Absolutely, and the safe choice is almost always, if not always, the wrong choice. Oh, man. Why, why is a safe choice always the wrong choice for a woman? So, think about it. In order for it to be safe, it means you are not deeply invested. You may be invested, it may be deep compared to certain people's perceptions of deep, but it's not as deep as you know you can go. It's not as deep to where you feel like you'll be devastated by it. So, you're starting from a deficit as far as, I'm not fully into this, I'm not fully into this guy.

• 3:10Stephan Speaks?

  But again, he may be good enough for me to work with and try to be with. But because you already have a built-in void, so what happens is this. She chooses this man, she's not really into him. Let's say she's not that attracted to him. And, and it's not that he's not a good-looking guy, she's just not attracted to him that like that. Well, because you don't have that attraction, you're not gonna pour into him at the same level that he needs you to. You won't be as intimate with him, you may not talk to him the way that he wants to be talked to. You're not gonna give him the same energy that you would, someone you're actually very much attracted to. Well, that void, initially, he may not catch on to that or let that bother him because

• 3:52Stephan Speaks?

  if he is indeed a, a man who is of a lower position than her or lower quality than her, he may just be happy to have this woman, oh my gosh, I can't believe I have her. So, he's infatuated, he's going in, he's blinded by his desires for her. But at some point, the smoke clears. And then he realizes, wait a minute, okay, I have her. But I'm not being treated the way I want to be treated.

• 4:17Lewis Howes?

  I'm getting walked all over.

• 4:18Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly, it's all about her. Yes, I don't get the respect that I deserve here. And here's what's crazy. When that woman dates that man who she's not really into like that, and let's just say she dates down. Well, she just raised his stock to every other woman that's watching this.

• 4:37Lewis Howes?

  That's true.

• 4:38Stephan Speaks?

  They're looking and they're saying, how did he get her?

• 4:41Lewis Howes?

  What does he have? He must have something unique about him.

• 4:43Stephan Speaks?

  Big pockets?

• 4:44Lewis Howes?

  Big something else.

• 4:47Stephan Speaks?

  So power, something. Now, these women want to find out.

• 4:52Lewis Howes?

  Do you think women really think that way when they see a guy who maybe is

• 4:55Stephan Speaks?

  Hell, yeah.

• 4:56Lewis Howes?

  of, you know, hypothetical less quality or seeming less quality than the woman that they're with? That they start to be more attracted to that guy?

• 5:05Stephan Speaks?

  Yes, and even, even if it's not of a lower quality. If as a man, you are seen with an attractive woman, a high-quality woman, a desirable woman. You become more desirable to other women. I've, I've, I've talked to friends where they've even gone to clubs. They'll go there with a woman and they'll get more attention. And when that woman walks away, some of these women will try to slide in and slip in a number here and there.

• 5:32Lewis Howes?

  Why do women do this?

• 5:35Lewis Howes?

  Why, it seems like women don't have ethics or don't have, or don't have integrity. As opposed to saying, hey, I appreciate and I'm, and I'm happy for you to. Why is it that some women?

• 5:47Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 5:47Lewis Howes?

  Want to get in there and try to quote-unquote steal the man or influence the man to stray?

• 5:54Stephan Speaks?

  Well, so it starts with the fact that women have this perception that quality men are, they're not in abundance out here. Yes, they're very scarce. So, when you come across one, or you think you come across one, a lot of them have the mentality of, oh, no, I have to try to get my foot in the door and see if I can get this for myself. If they thought it was abundant out there, then they'll be less pressed to do that.

• 6:17Lewis Howes?

  But what, but what happens if a guy, okay, leaves the person he's with for you? Is that woman then going to be confident that he want to do it again?

• 6:26Stephan Speaks?

  It depends. I think there are some women who convince themsel- like, there's plenty of women who have taken a man from a woman, or who have accepted that man, leaving one woman for her. And to her, she's good. As long as she's getting what she needs, she's good. But I do think that in the back of their head, once something starts to go wrong, that's when those thoughts start to creep in.

• 6:49Lewis Howes?

  I wonder if he's talking to someone else. Why isn't he giving me the attention anymore?

• 6:52Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. And now, and I think it's even more likely that someone who knows about the situation will remind her, "Well, you got him this way, so you might lose him the same." And now the insecurities really start to kick in, and it starts to become a huge problem.

• 7:07Lewis Howes?

  You talked about attraction, and I'm sorry to get you off track. But you talked about attraction. What do you think is more important? Sexual attraction or spiritual attraction for a woman?

• 7:20Stephan Speaks?

  I'm, I'm gonna say spiritual attraction.

• 7:23Lewis Howes?

  More than sexual attraction?

• 7:24Stephan Speaks?

  But I'm saying that with hesitancy, alright?

• 7:26Lewis Howes?

  You're pausing.

• 7:28Stephan Speaks?

  I'm not a hundred percent. The only reason why I'm leaning towards spiritual is because I believe that women value intimacy, non-sexual intimacy, way more than actual, just raw sex. Okay? So if you had door number one, hugs, kisses, caresses, you know, being emotionally available, door number two, just straight sex. Women are choosing, most women are choosing door number one. Most men are choosing door number two. And so because of that value for the deeper levels of intimacy, I feel like spiritual attraction kind of fortifies that. Whereas sexual attraction may not get them those things. So that's why I would pick spiritual attraction.

• 8:13Lewis Howes?

  What would you say for any guy listening or watching? If they wanted to attract the woman of their dreams, or essentially any woman that they really desired? If they wanted to attract that, who would they need to become in order to set themselves up to attract an incredible, lifelong, loving partner? Who gave them a fulfilling, joyful life?

• 8:41Stephan Speaks?

  I would say they would have to become their most confident masculine self. Whatever that looks like, it's gonna look different for every guy. But at the foundation of it, there must be confidence in who he is. And he must exude that masculine energy. Not saying there aren't men who can't get them a loving partner, not being the most masculine dude. But you have a better chance at achieving it when you can walk in your masculine energy. That's the power of the man.

• 9:10Lewis Howes?

  What if there's a man who's extremely masculine but lacks confidence? What type of partner does he attract typically?

• 9:18Stephan Speaks?

  Well, I think lacking confidence, it undermines the masculine energy. It's hard to be that masculine presence if you are lacking in self-esteem, lacking in self-respect. Uh, the things you're gonna allow a woman to get away with is gonna start to lose, cause her to lose attraction for you. So it's almost like if you become her yes man, a lot of women don't want a yes man. Most women don't want a yes man. It might sound good to some initially, but over time, she gets tired of the fact that you can't think for yourself, that you, you aren't giving your own perspective, that you aren't confident enough to stand in your own vision and your plan. So that immediately takes you out of your masculine energy. Because now you're trying to become so accommodating to the point that you've lost yourself in that process.

• 10:03Stephan Speaks?

  And that doesn't work well in the long term. I mean, think, whenever you hear stories of nice guys being run over and getting played, it usually involves this man who is just trying to do everything the woman wants. And just putting all his desires aside to make her happy. That doesn't work, not like that it doesn't.

• 10:24Lewis Howes?

  That's kinda like the safe man, right?

• 10:25Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 10:26Lewis Howes?

  So the safe man is not always the right man, is what I think I heard you say, right?

• 10:31Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah, it's almost always.

• 10:33Lewis Howes?

  But doesn't a woman want to feel safe in an environment with their man?

• 10:37Stephan Speaks?

  Yes, but the safety. So the safety that's being achieved by picking the safe choice is I don't have to be too vulnerable in this relationship. So I'm able to guard myself from devastating hurt and disappointment that I've probably experienced at least once before, at at least at a level that I felt like I don't ever want to go there again. That's very different than the man who she is completely invested in, completely in love with, and he understands the need to provide safety and security for her. The need to make the situation or the relationship more stable for her, where she can rest in her feminine energy, so to speak, while she's with him. That's two different types of safety.

• 11:21Lewis Howes?

  So it's like, okay, if you choose a safe man, but essentially it sounds like that's a space where you don't have to fully open up and be vulnerable. It's a space where you probably know you're in control, where you're probably have more value to offer, or this person is desiring you way more than you desire them.

• 11:40Stephan Speaks?

  And that that's the big one. It's a situation where she feels like he wants me or he loves me more than I do him. And that's where they feel like it is safe, but again, it doesn't work in the long run. Never. Yeah, I want to say never. I should never say never, but I would just use that word.

• 11:58Lewis Howes?

  Because if someone, if you are in a relationship like that, and maybe you're not even conscious that you're doing it in the beginning, but you realize a year, two years in, okay, you know, the person I've chosen really doesn't step into his confidence or his masculine energy. He'll do anything I want him to do at all times. He stops his dreams from my dreams, whatever it is. What is typically the women you've worked with, how do they, what do they say about that? What do they feel about that? And what is their struggle? Is it they want to leave? Is it they just feel bad? They don't feel the connection anymore? What is it that they feel?

• 12:34Stephan Speaks?

  Well, so it's it's a tricky place because at that point, it's hard for them to fully express what's going on. Like, one of the things I tell women is that one of the worst positions to be in is with a man you're not truly in love. Well, with a good man, you're not truly in love.

• 12:49Lewis Howes?

  Uh, why is that the worst position?

• 12:51Stephan Speaks?

  Because at that point, if she's feeling empty, she's feeling bored, she's feeling unsatisfied. Who can she run to and say this to that won't say, but wait a minute, you have a great man. You can't do that. Oh, just work. Like, no one's gonna say, oh yeah, you know what? I get it. Just walk away. Now, I won't say no one, but most people aren't going to allow that to be a good enough reason for her to walk away. So she knows she's gonna get pushed back from people, but not just pushed back from people, from her own self. It's like, okay, wait a minute. Do I leave this great guy who loves me so much, which is so safe here? Even though I'm not really that happy, I'm not fulfilled, or maybe I'm not that attracted to him?

• 13:34Stephan Speaks?

  That's a tough position to be in because it's like, it would be so much easier if he cheated on her. It'd be so much easier if he was abusive or something. Then she could easily validate, oh, okay, I gotta go. And that's why some women in that situation, what they do is try to create turmoil. Try to find, yes. They, they're trying to find something to give them the exit to say, okay, I don't have to be here anymore. Or to make that man want to leave them. And, and in fairness, this happens on both sides. But I've literally talked to clients who, the only, they cheated, hoping it would make their partner leave them.

• 14:12Lewis Howes?

  Oh, my gosh.

• 14:13Stephan Speaks?

  Because what was happening was, in this instance, she was trying to tell the guy over and over, I don't wanna be here. But again, he's this good guy, I love you, I don't wanna lose you.

• 14:23Lewis Howes?

  I'll do whatever you need, I'll change.

• 14:25Stephan Speaks?

  And, and out of guilt and sympathy, she, she stays with him. But she, she's so not happy. So now she's thinking, okay, he won't leave me even when I tell him, I don't wanna do this anymore. Even when I tell him this is not working. So what can I do? And some will actually cheat on purpose, let the man find out, hoping he will finally let go. And in some cases, he still doesn't let go. He gets cheated on, and he still wants to work it out with her. And she feels trapped. And so it just continues like, it's just a never-ending cycle until either one of them finally gets tired of it. Or, I don't know, just, it just, it's crazy.

• 15:04Lewis Howes?

  There's drama and stress.

• 15:05Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 15:06Lewis Howes?

  So what I heard you say, for a man to attract the, you know? A joyful, loving partner that they really desire and have someone that they really are inspired by for, you know, a long term. I'm hearing you say that that man needs to step into their self-esteem, their confidence and their masculinity.

• 15:27Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 15:27Lewis Howes?

  They gotta step into that leadership masculinity quality, right?

• 15:30Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 15:30Lewis Howes?

  That essence. If a woman really wants to attract the right, healthy man, someone that is safe in terms of they can trust, but um where they have to fully, they get to feel a little vulnerable to really dive in and they really care about this man in a big way. What does a woman need to do in order to attract that ideal partner for themselves?

• 15:55Stephan Speaks?

  Uh, it's the same answer for the women in reverse. It's walking in their true feminine confident self, whoever they really are, but being that best version of themselves. And, and to what you were saying, it can't be find a man who you can be feminine with. It has to be be your feminine self first and you'll be able to attract the man that you can continue to be feminine with. Or that will honor, respect and value your feminine energy and protect your feminine energy. That's what you want, but what's happening to so many women is they become detached from their femininity. Or they're viewing it in a negative way. They're viewing it as weakness as when I'm feminine, I get played, I get taken advantage of.

• 16:40Stephan Speaks?

  And so the mindset is if I find the right man, I can be that. So you'll hear a lot of women say, well, I am feminine in a relationship. The problem is he can't see that far in to know that he wants to get in a relationship with you.

• 16:55Lewis Howes?

  If he, you can spot it quickly. It's like a, it's a quick essence of seeing either a man or a woman. If they're in that masculine or feminine energy, right? You can see it how they walk, how they talk, how they look at you, you know, how they carry themselves.

• 17:09Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 17:09Lewis Howes?

  You can feel it in a few seconds, probably.

• 17:12Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 17:13Lewis Howes?

  So if you're guarded and you're not allowing yourself to flow in that energy, someone's gonna see that and they're gonna be, you know, not as attracted to you. You're gonna be repelling.

• 17:23Stephan Speaks?

  And, and what's gonna happen is, and I'm sure you can vouch to this, once a person heals. Spotting, hurt, dysfunction, trauma is like, it's easy now. It's like, it's like your eyes were so, are now so wide open.

• 17:39Lewis Howes?

  Crazy.

• 17:39Stephan Speaks?

  You know, when, when we're not healed, we, we make excuses for it. Yeah.

• 17:44Lewis Howes?

  I've been there many times in the past.

• 17:46Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. So I think that's what a lot of people don't realize is if you're still guarded, the reality is you're guarded because you're holding on to hurt that you have not resolved. You're holding on to fear due to past experiences. Well, healthy men can see there's something wrong and like, oh, I'm not gonna go down that path.

• 18:04Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I'm good with this. It's interesting because I've learned a lot in the past, I don't know, four years from different relationships, from, you know, breakups and healing. And I really took your lesson to heart after, I think the first time we interviewed, I interviewed you, where you were like, step one is heal, right? This is the, the healing journey. I didn't do that in a previous relationship. I stepped into another one without healing. And then I was just like, I can never do this again. Because I thought entering a new relationship with a different person would create different results. And that wasn't the case, because I still hadn't healed.

• 18:39Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly.

• 18:40Lewis Howes?

  So it wasn't until I spent, you know, six intensive months of therapy, coaching, and doing the internal work, where I was able to start healing wounds. And it's a journey. It's not like you're healed after one, you know, day or something, but it's been a continuous journey. I was able to spot it. And more importantly, I was able to be so courageously honest with who I am, what I want, the vision for my life and a vision for a relationship, my values, what are non-negotiables for me. And I was so clear to let go of any potential relationship that didn't fit within a vision that I had. I was so happy to be a single for years and create peace within,

• 19:24Lewis Howes?

  then enter something where I had to

• 19:27Stephan Speaks?

  Compromise.

• 19:28Lewis Howes?

  Constantly compromise. No, I'm all for alignment and agreements where there's, maybe I don't get a hundred percent of everything I want every moment, but we have a shared agreements and alignments on our values, our vision and our lifestyle, right? It's like. And, and, and speaking about it early in, in a dating experience, for me was the shift. Saying, hey, listen, uh, tell me if you, what do you think about this concept? I love your concept of healing first before entering a new relationship, right?

• 20:01Lewis Howes?

  And something I did in the current relationship is I was like, we're not gonna have sex until we're committed, until we actually get clear on all these other things that I wanna talk about. Challenge is I never had the courage to talk about these things early enough in a dating experience about values, vision, lifestyle, you know, all these things, my priorities in life. But this time I did, and I think it gave me a lot more peace, being able to speak my mind without clouded sexual confusion.

• 20:29Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 20:29Lewis Howes?

  And I think a lot of people jump into sexual chemistry and acts of sexual interaction too soon before having the vulnerable conversations. Why do you think that is? And do you like that idea of waiting for a period of time until some type of a commitment? I'm not saying until marriage, but at least, at least having these kind of conversations first.

• 20:54Stephan Speaks?

  No, absolutely. I think if more people could wait, it would make things a lot better.

• 20:59Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 20:59Stephan Speaks?

  Um, as you said, not only, not only are we afraid to ask certain questions and discuss certain things, but it's like we don't wanna face the possible reality of this situation, so we keep everything on the surface. We keep it at the sex, we keep it at hanging out here and having fun and yeah, we, we get along with each other's friends and blah, blah, blah, and that's great, but we're not diving deeper. And it's because I think deep inside, we may know that once we do, this may not work anymore.

• 21:31Lewis Howes?

  And we, yeah.

• 21:31Stephan Speaks?

  And so we don't wanna have to face that, we don't wanna have to let go, so we keep kicking the can down the road. So I definitely think by removing, the, the more we can remove any distractions that impair judgment, the better. So sex is something that can definitely impair judgment. I, I'll give you another example. I knew this one guy. He went on a couple of dates and first date I think was a constant. Concert and the second date was other some kind of other festivity. And I said, listen, don't ever take a woman on on a to a concert on the first date. Because here's the thing. One, there's a huge distraction, the concert going on. It's not really an opportunity for you two to dive into each other. Two, even if you guys don't really mesh well.

• 22:14Stephan Speaks?

  If you have fun at the concert because you guys love that artist and you love that atmosphere. Well, that's clouding your judgment to seeing, but we don't really like hanging out with each other like that. See, hanging out with each other in fun environments that we already enjoy, that doesn't qualify it. Is can we sit in a room with nothing going on, just talk and actually enjoy each other's presence? That tells us if we really like each other. So I definitely think um it's best to wait as long as possible. And as far as why people do it, I mean, one, people are just horny.

• 22:49Stephan Speaks?

  We're gonna keep it real, that's one of the things. I think also, again, for some, so, okay, for some women, and this is just some women. The idea is if I sleep with him and I put it on him, he'll like me. I I'll I'll get what I want out this guy. So it's a weapon for her. Right. For some guys, some of it is just desire, but some of it also is. I want to make sure she actually is attracted to me because a lot of men have dated women, waited. Only to find out that she had sex with someone else during that process. Only to find out she was never really that interested. He feels used.

• 23:27Stephan Speaks?

  So his way, some guys way of trying to confirm that you actually have genuine interest is through intimacy. You see, so some will rush to that as a a form of validation for themselves. Um but I and I think just also, again, people sometimes get caught up in the moment. And I hate when people say, oh, well, there was this great sexual chemistry. Chemistry cannot occur until you guys actually have sex. So what you felt was attraction and horniness at the same time. And it created this energy between y'all and you want to move forward with that. And so again, you just have to be careful. Now, I think it doesn't mean every person who's had sex too soon is doomed. There are people who've gotten married after having sex on the first date.

• 24:10Stephan Speaks?

  Um, you know, some people are able to pull back and still properly evaluate. But individuals have to be honest with themselves about how does this impact my ability to see if this is the right person for me and for me to show up as my authentic self in this relationship?

• 24:27Lewis Howes?

  What do you think would be three things that every every woman should either do or not do before they get into a committed relationship? Not even talking about marriage, but just I'm gonna, now I'm gonna be committed and we're gonna commit to each other. What are three things they should or should not do before that?

• 24:44Stephan Speaks?

  Okay.

• 24:45Lewis Howes?

  Or three conversations or whatever it might be?

• 24:47Stephan Speaks?

  I think one conversation that everyone needs to have is what do you see your role as in a relationship and what do you see my role as? Let's discuss all the needs and desires. I really I, I would argue 90% of people enter into a commitment not even knowing the full list of what this person wants and expects or is hoping for out of this.

• 25:11Lewis Howes?

  So roles and responsibilities in a relationship, is that in a dating relationship or in a marriage relationship?

• 25:17Stephan Speaks?

  It could be boyfriend, whatever level we're trying to go to next. So if right now we're trying to just be boyfriend and girlfriend, let's define that. I think defining it for marriage as well, that's the ultimate end goal would be smart. Because what's the point of

• 25:31Lewis Howes?

  Spending two years dating?

• 25:32Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah, and then we find out we're on two different pages for marriage.

• 25:34Lewis Howes?

  But why do people not have this roles conversation before they commit?

• 25:39Stephan Speaks?

  I, so what's popping in my head right now is a lot of people are ashamed to state what they want.

• 25:45Lewis Howes?

  Gosh.

• 25:46Stephan Speaks?

  They, they feel like it's, they're not allowed, so. Perfect example. There are some men out there, and even some women, who are sticklers when it comes to your physical appearance, alright? And they have certain expectations as far as how they want you to look. But society, family, friends tells them, "Oh, that's shallow." "Oh, if you love them, that shouldn't matter." So then people become hesitant to say, "This is what I'm expecting. This is what I want." Also, because at that point, you already like this person. Again, there's this fear of, "If I say what I really want, I may lose what I'm hoping to hold on to right now." Alright, so let me just find a way to dance around this and hope we can discuss it later.

• 26:31Stephan Speaks?

  I also think some people just don't truly know and understand themselves enough to articulate what it is that they need and desire in this relationship. So too many people haven't spent time just really asking themselves, "Okay, what is important to me? What's gonna make me happy?" And what, what is it that if it's not involved in this relationship, is not going to allow me to show up a hundred percent? So basically, if, and I'm just using this as a random example, if you're a man and you value a woman who's cooking for you, and you say, "Alright, if she's not cooking, that's gonna make you miserable to the point that you will no longer be showing up a hundred percent for this relationship, then you should not sacrifice a woman who can cook." Plain and simple.

• 27:15Stephan Speaks?

  Whatever it is, if it's for a woman, you know, communication or going out often, certain lifestyles, all these things need to be discussed. And I just think that people just, they hope for the best rather than face the reality of what may be going on right now.

• 27:31Lewis Howes?

  And I think, you know, I speak for myself too, but I think I know a lot of people lean too much on the sexual chemistry, right? Whether it be the desire, the feeling they have between each other, or the actual act of sex that feels so good with the dopamine. You're just like, "This feels so good to be with this person" that they don't wanna rock the boat and ask those questions or communicate.

• 27:55Stephan Speaks?

  And here's what's crazy about that. For women, I can't tell you how many women have had sex with men. The sex wasn't that great.

• 28:06Stephan Speaks?

  It was nothing special. But she likes him so much that she pushes past that.

• 28:12Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 28:12Stephan Speaks?

  Yes, absolutely.

• 28:14Lewis Howes?

  How important is great sex for a relationship to last?

• 28:18Stephan Speaks?

  In my opinion, it's extremely important. So, consider what you just mentioned with the oxytocin. The oxytocin is released through orgasm, alright? So if you're not having sex that takes you to orgasm, you're not getting, at least from my knowledge, maybe I'm wrong, but you're not getting the full dose of oxytocin there. I also believe, like, I view oxytocin as like a god mechanism. Meaning, it was put there to help two people stay bonded together. Yes, so if we are married or whatever, and we're having great sex consistently, we're gonna be much more bonded to each other. If we're not having great sex, we don't have that bond anymore. You see what I'm saying? Now it's so much easier for things to get in between.

• 29:02Stephan Speaks?

  So I think that it's extremely important, but I will say that, great is subjective, and you know, what level of quality that man or that woman needs is going to vary. But they have to have their needs satisfied, or else you're asking for trouble.

• 29:20Lewis Howes?

  So this, this conversation about needs, needs to happen before you get committed, right? Needs, response, uh, roles, and how, how you're gonna play, how I'm gonna play a role in this, how you're gonna play a role in this. What would that conversation look like? You know, people have been together, dating for a couple of months, and they're thinking about getting connected. Should they say, hey, here are the three things I want to talk about? You know, Stephan Speaks said, we gotta have these three conversations. One's about needs, one's about roles, what was the third thing?

• 29:50Stephan Speaks?

  What did we say? I don't think we even mentioned the third one.

• 29:52Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, we didn't get to the third one, yeah. What would be the, the third one, the third conversation to have, or?

• 29:57Stephan Speaks?

  The third conversation to have, oh man, I, I just think it's...

• 30:05Stephan Speaks?

  It's about how we need to communicate when there is an issue. I think we lack having a structure of of communication to where if there's an issue that needs to be resolved, we understand how we go about this. You know, when you're trying to fix things on the fly or handle things on the fly, you're you're now at the mercy of your emotions and where that may take you in that moment. So by having something that we agreed upon, okay, we take maybe 10 minutes off in our own corners, then we come back and we discuss this, or we write a letter, or, you know, some people have the rule, we don't go to sleep mad at each other. Having those structures in place, because the communication, without healthy communication, the relationship is not going to last, and it's not going to be successful.

• 30:48Stephan Speaks?

  So it's important to have something laid out, so we know how to go about this. You know, I'm a huge fan in writing letters, even when it comes to discussing deep issues, so maybe implementing that in the process. But once we can agree to a structure and agree to, we will always make time to sit down and talk about these things, as well as adding constructive criticism. So I think I mentioned this to you before, like, I believe in relationship checkups. So that's another part of the structure where maybe we agree every three months or six months, whatever it is, maybe once a month, where we have a time where we sit down and we go over, all right, what's good here? What needs to be improved? What aren't you happy with?

• 31:31Stephan Speaks?

  Let's consistently constructively criticize, so we are aware, because what happens in so many relationships is that, let's say you're not happy about something, but you guys never make time to talk about it. So now it lingers, and in that lingering, now you're catching an attitude. Now they're mad at you, but they don't understand that at the root of it is this issue that was never expressed. So now they feel like you're being stupid, or you're acting crazy, or whatever. Now that turns into a lack of intimacy, because if she's feeling some type of way emotionally, she's not going to be sexually receptive to her man. Now that turns into more resentment, and it's just dominoes. And it just gets worse and worse. So we have to establish communication structure early as possible.

• 32:10Lewis Howes?

  I love that, you know, something that Martha and myself started to do, before we got into a commitment, I said, listen, the only way, you know, this works for me, one of my needs, is that we enter the relationship in some type of therapeutic coaching experience. It doesn't have to be a therapist, it doesn't, you know, whatever we want to do, we need a third party that we can sit with once every couple of months. And talk about agreements and just making sure we're staying on track with what we want in the relationship. That's something that I always wanted but never created. And I said, listen, this is the only way this will work for me is creating that, making sure that need is met. She was like, I'm down.

• 32:51Lewis Howes?

  And what that did for us was it allowed us early on to create an agreement about how to communicate when things were uncomfortable. Right? And one of the agreements was like, listen, I'm never gonna yell or raise my voice, but I can't have someone else in my space doing the same thing. Like if you scream and you yell because you can't manage your emotions, that doesn't work for me. And if you wanna yell at another person, then cool, but that's not gonna be me.

• 33:18Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 33:19Lewis Howes?

  And so we created that agreement, right? And there hasn't been, there's been uncomfortable conversations. But we have agreements on how to communicate with each other, so it doesn't escalate.

• 33:29Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly.

• 33:30Lewis Howes?

  And it's been a beautiful practice because we both have an agreement and there's a third party that witnessed the agreement. You know, as opposed to, no, I never said this. People do it all the time.

• 33:41Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 33:42Lewis Howes?

  You create something, you talk about when you're all loving and kind, but then a year later, like, I never said I'd do these things, right? So I think it's really, for me, it's been really helpful to just over communicate in some ways and be like, these are what I need. This is what I want. And are you in alignment with this?

• 33:58Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 33:58Lewis Howes?

  That's been really powerful. So this masculine and feminine energy is something that you say has been, um, you know, people have been confused about lately.

• 34:09Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 34:09Lewis Howes?

  Right? Why are people confused about understanding and stepping into their masculine or feminine energy?

• 34:17Stephan Speaks?

  So it's, I'm trying to find the right way to say this, but I'm just gonna say it. Society has been pushing for equality so hard that they're now causing a lack of balance between men and women.

• 34:32Stephan Speaks?

  And don't get me wrong, I mean, I'm all for equality in certain areas, right? But I think we have to recognize we are two different types of people. We are wired differently. If we would come into understanding of our differences, we can create more harmony. We don't need to be like each other. So here's one perfect example of how I feel like it's throwing things off a lot. Going back to the sex. So you'll have this push where people are saying, well, women are just like men when it comes to sex. I even one time, many years ago, I won't say the name of the company, but I was brought to a dating app company. And it was me and a few other people and they had this presentation. And they had a scientist that said there was a study that shows women want sex as much as men. And I disputed it. I was like, no.

• 35:15Stephan Speaks?

  I said, I think what that study is not taking into account is that you guys are combining intimacy with sex. Women want intimacy and unfortunately for most women, they feel like they can't get the intimacy unless they go through sex to get it. Alright, so just getting a guy to just cuddle with you and touch without it trying to escalate to sex. That's hard for a lot of women. They don't experience that. You you talk to a lot of married women, they'll say, the only time my husband wants to touch me is when he wants to have sex. So going back to this pushing that men and women are the same. So look at it like this, if you're telling men that women are just like us. That one, that man now feels like there's no need for foreplay.

• 35:58Stephan Speaks?

  There's no need for connection outside the bedroom. There's no need to make sure she's there emotionally or mentally because we don't need that, alright? When we're ready to go, we're ready to go. It can be World War Three outside, we're still ready to go. But that woman, if she is consumed mentally, that's gonna hinder her ability to show up sexually. If she's stressed out. If she's stressed out, if there's too much going on. If she doesn't feel comfortable and safe in that relationship. Again, the connection outside the bedroom affects the connection inside the bedroom. She needs a little bit more as far as foreplay. And again, is this every last woman? No, but typically this is the case. So by fighting for equality, you're limiting people's ability to have sexual harmony.

• 36:43Stephan Speaks?

  Alright, but if we accept it, okay, these are the differences, this is what I have to do as a man to create a more sexually receptive environment, well, things, everybody wins. What does a man need to do to create a more sexually receptive environment? So I I think the the first thing is the connection outside the bedroom. Again, so here's, as we said earlier, women want to feel safe. They want to feel secure. If you can.

• 37:10Lewis Howes?

  But if they go after the safe guy.

• 37:13Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah, it's a different, they go after the safe guy, that's just a guy who they don't have to be too vulnerable with.

• 37:17Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 37:18Stephan Speaks?

  But we're talking about creating safety where she can give you all of her love, all of her heart. But she can rest a little easy that you it's in good hands. All right, that you have good intentions, that you're not judging her. That's that's one of the big things, you want to let a woman feel more sexually receptive, you can't make her feel judged. You know what I'm saying, the minute she feels like you're judging her, you're gonna look at her some kind of way. You make it harder for her to open up to you in that area.

• 37:43Lewis Howes?

  What about when a woman judges the man, or makes him wrong, or he's not enough?

• 37:47Stephan Speaks?

  I I think, well, I I say this, I think it it will comp, it will hurt him in his ability to show up emotionally for her. It doesn't have the same negative impact on him sexually, can it? Yes, but not as common as it will for a woman, all right? Most men, even though they're feeling some kind of way, they're gonna still show up to the bedroom, no problem. But opening up emotionally becomes harder. So that's why a lot of men struggle speaking to their woman and and letting her in uh into his life even deeper because of the fear of she won't respect me if I tell her how I'm really feeling. She'll look at me different. So that's, and again, it highlights the differences of how these actions impact us and the environments they create in our relationship.

• 38:29Stephan Speaks?

  So I think that we've got to get back to understanding the difference between men and women, the balance of the masculine and feminine, and why that is so important to the success of a relationship.

• 38:41Lewis Howes?

  How do people start to buy into that again and believe in that and start to shift the way? Cause it's like telling people to completely shift who they are, how they've been acting. In order to buy into that, believe it, and not get hurt by stepping into that.

• 38:57Stephan Speaks?

  Yes. I think step one is asking yourself, what kind of life do you want to live? Because a lot of people's struggle with getting in tune with their energy is due to letting outside noise tell them how they should live. What should be acceptable. So for example, if you're a woman and you want to walk in your feminine, and let's just say, not even just walk in your feminine. Let's just say you're a woman and your heart is in having a family, being at home, doing these things. But society is telling you, you can't do that, that's weak. You can't rely on a man, all these things. Well, it pushes her away from where her heart really wants to be. And now she's at conflict with herself. And how can you create that life that you desire if you're at conflict with yourself?

• 39:42Stephan Speaks?

  It's the same thing for a man. If you as a man want a woman who can be feminine to you and have a certain lifestyle in the household, but you're letting society tell you, no, fifty fifty and all these things. Well, you can't do that. Like, at that point, you're compromising what you really want, who you really are, and that takes you away from achieving what you're trying to achieve. So each individual has to sit and ask themselves, okay, what kind of life do I really want to live? And what kind of life would I want to live if there was no fear of getting hurt? Ooh, or fear of judgment. Exactly. Because now, if, if, if, because I'll tell you this, if, if most women, like, the topic of being submissive is a hot topic for a lot of women.

• 40:27Stephan Speaks?

  A lot of women don't like that word. But I always argued that if you sat down with a bunch of women and say, listen, if an angel can come from the sky and say, I will give you the most amazing man, he will tap into all you need, he will make sure you are protected, never cheat on you. All you need to do is be submissive to him. Ninety percent of women will sign up right away. And what does submissive mean? Submissive meaning in allowing him to lead in the relationship. Well, let me say this. Because I think when people hear submission, they do think of dictatorship. They think of doing as he says. They're thinking of this. His way or the highway, yeah, yeah. Submission, in my eyes, when it comes to relationship, is one, allowing that man. To love you.

• 41:09Stephan Speaks?

  What I mean by that is this, when a man is truly in love with a woman, he wants to do for her. He wants to provide for her. He wants to make sure she's good. If you don't submit to that, you're gonna be in this energy that's, I got it, I can take care of it. It's not letting him love you. And in not letting him love you, you're carrying this unnecessary burden that's wearing you down. So even when I speak to men being leaders in the relationship, it isn't to say that women are incapable of doing things. It isn't to say that she, you know, she's bad at whatever. It means, listen, you letting him take that burden off your back makes everybody win. Because now you can thrive in your element, he can thrive in his.

• 41:52Stephan Speaks?

  We feel good about taking on that challenge and providing and doing for our woman. I've never heard a man complain about having to lead in the relationship as long as he feels loved and respected.

• 42:03Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 42:04Stephan Speaks?

  If he feels appreciated.

• 42:05Lewis Howes?

  If he doesn't feel loved, appreciated, or respected, then it's exhausting.

• 42:09Stephan Speaks?

  Yes, exactly. That's the only time.

• 42:12Lewis Howes?

  If she's complaining that you're not doing enough and you feel like, man, I'm carrying this whole relationship. I'm doing all the work. I'm paying for everything. I'm doing all the chore and you're still, don't respect me.

• 42:21Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly.

• 42:21Lewis Howes?

  Then it's exhausting.

• 42:22Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. On the flip side though, there are tons of women who at a certain point, they don't wanna have to be the leader of the relationship.

• 42:30Lewis Howes?

  Why do so many women take, why do so many women take it on where they are the, they tend to make more money? And maybe the guy isn't working as consistently, or they have a part-time job, or they're a little lazier, let's say. And why do certain women get into a relationship like that where the man isn't providing necessarily for himself or for the relationship? And then stay with men like that?

• 42:56Stephan Speaks?

  As we, it's like we talked about earlier, it's leverage, it's control, it's power. You know, it's, he has to value me. It's also, listen, if she's having a hard time dating men of a higher stature, well, it just becomes easier to date that guy. Not to mention, in her defense, that woman, if she's not, if she's walking more in a masculine energy, she's going to attract men who don't have much going on for themselves.

• 43:21Lewis Howes?

  Why is that?

• 43:22Stephan Speaks?

  Because, again, we attract that balance. It's a natural thing. You're not gonna see a feminine woman being drawn to a very feminine man. It doesn't happen like that. And that's the same way you won't see a very masculine man be drawn to a masculine woman. He may wanna have sex with her. He may wanna enjoy some things with her.

• 43:41Lewis Howes?

  He's not gonna wanna live life with her.

• 43:42Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly.

• 43:43Lewis Howes?

  That's interesting.

• 43:44Stephan Speaks?

  Cause those energies conflict. We need balance. So what happens is that woman that's giving off more masculine, she attracts that man who he needs her. He needs her to stabilize his life. He needs her for the resources. He will tolerate that energy because he does not possess it within himself.

• 44:02Lewis Howes?

  Or he doesn't wanna go out there and work hard or.

• 44:04Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. So it's easier for him. And so, yes, she's getting more of those guys coming her way than the established man. And, and again, in her defense, after a while, you know, you start to say, well, maybe I should give one of these guys a chance.

• 44:20Lewis Howes?

  Right, right.

• 44:20Stephan Speaks?

  Maybe I should try this out. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad.

• 44:22Lewis Howes?

  Good guys, yeah.

• 44:23Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah. And you know what? Sometimes they're not even good guys. They're just guys who are willing at that time to put in more effort. So here's the thing, like, I was speaking to Jay, Jay Shetty, and he was saying when he first got with his wife, he didn't have a job. So he was able to spend every day with her, alright? And she kinda got accustomed to this. And I bring his example to say, a lot of times that guy who doesn't have anything going on for himself right now, is more available to chase, to pour into, to do whatever she needs.

• 44:54Lewis Howes?

  Spend quality time with her, yeah, yeah.

• 44:55Stephan Speaks?

  So that also allows the woman to fall into the trap of being with this guy, even though he's not really a great guy for her. Because he's not doing things to provide for her and make sure she's good.

• 45:08Lewis Howes?

  But he's keeping her attention.

• 45:09Stephan Speaks?

  Yes. He is feeding her the attention that she desires and in return, taking her resources.

• 45:17Stephan Speaks?

  In a lot of cases, in a lot of cases.

• 45:20Lewis Howes?

  So with this fifty fifty thing, why do you think this is such a big topic? Let's say in the last probably ten, fifteen years where it seems like it's fifty fifty in the relationship. Fifty fifty spending, fifty fifty taking care of all responsibilities, fifty fifty taking care of the kids. When the woman needs to get up and nurse, the, you know, the husband needs to get up and, and be emotional support during that time, you know? Share the time, taking the kids to school, changing diapers, whatever it is that, that society is saying.

• 45:54Lewis Howes?

  Why is this fifty fifty thing? Been so prominent and why does it not work for both men and women?

• 46:01Stephan Speaks?

  Alright, so as far as why it has risen to prominence is again, I think it's this fight for equality. We were fighting so hard and we're losing sight of the bigger picture of balance. Balance is what we need for success, not equality in the relationship. And I would argue that equality in a relationship does not actually exist. Because if you were to examine fifty fifty relationships, what you will find is over time, it's going to shift to one person doing more than the other. And I would argue ninety percent of the time, it's the woman doing more than the guy. Because think about this, the mindset of the man who wants to do fifty fifty is is very different than the man who's so in love with this woman that he wants to provide for her.

• 46:46Stephan Speaks?

  His willingness to even accept fifty fifty, he's gonna be reluctant to do that. It's kinda like going on a date with a guy and one guy's down to pay Dutch and the other guy's like, don't, don't take your card out, I got this. They already have a very different mindset. So that guy who's opened the fifty fifty from the jump, the chance that he's gonna change later on and wanna take on more is not likely. He's gonna get comfortable in that fifty fifty or do even less. Also, consider this, even when we say fifty fifty on the bills, fifty fifty on the bills in my opinion would be twenty percent of your income, twenty percent of their income. That's not what a lot of people do. The mortgage is let's say fifteen hundred and we split it seven fifty, seven fifty, but

• 47:26Stephan Speaks?

  the guy let's just say makes eighty thousand dollars, the woman makes forty thousand dollars, that's not equal.

• 47:32Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 47:32Stephan Speaks?

  You see what I'm saying? She's making a much bigger sacrifice than he is.

• 47:35Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 47:36Stephan Speaks?

  So tha- that alone eliminates this idea that it's fifty fifty.

• 47:39Lewis Howes?

  What about the whole raising the kids thing of like, you gotta, you know?

• 47:43Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly, raising the kids. Now, of course, are there scenarios where sometimes it's the man who ends up doing more? Absolutely. But in most cases, the woman naturally gravitates to being the one who handles the kids more. That's what you're gonna find. So again, you're gonna start to see it be get skewed in certain areas to where you're not maintaining this fifty fifty. But then if we go deeper into why this doesn't work. So one, it doesn't work because it doesn't, it's not really sustainable in the vast majority of cases. I'm not saying no one's ever pulled it off, but in majority cases, it doesn't work. Number two, you know, there was a study that shows, uh, I believe it was a study that said egalitarian relationships are like the most sexless marriages or the most sexist relationships.

• 48:28Stephan Speaks?

  Egalitarian meaning like? Equal, fifty fifty, equal, you know what I'm saying? Sexless? Yes. Why is that? Because basically you're neutralizing the masculine feminine polarity. Polarity of it. Exactly. It's now just neutral. Flat. Yeah, it's flat. It's not, there's no excitement there. There's nothing there. It kind of reminds me of this guy, I don't wanna put him on, but I don't know his name, so I guess I could say it. There was this guy on Twitter, I think it was like late last year, and he posted that he, how his wife just came home from like a sixteen hour shift or something crazy like that. And here she is shoveling the snow in, in the driveway and how he's so proud of her. Let me get her coffee ready. And the commenters ate him up, like they went in.

• 49:10Stephan Speaks?

  But you know, in his mind, it's we're equal, we're fifty fifty, look at her doing all these things. But in reality, if a woman has to come home to a man that puts her in that position all the time, doesn't step up, she's gonna start to lose attraction. And you're again overburdening the woman. What, what a man has to understand, and it's actually mentioned in the book, uh, The Way to Superior Man. Yes. Where he says, don't make your woman your everything. I think what men underestimate is that women are in their head a lot. They're constantly thinking, constantly processing. So if too much is on her plate, she becomes mentally exhausted, mentally worn down.

• 49:52Stephan Speaks?

  Yes. So when, when the woman says, I'm too tired for sex, the man thinks, well, you weren't doing nothing all day. Her mind was a million different places all day. By the time she got to this moment, she does not have the energy. When the mind goes, the body goes with it. Hmm. So when you put too much in front of her, you are taking her, taking, taking away her ability to thrive in certain areas. So as the book mentioned, you wanna identify as a man, what do I need most from her? What's gonna be most important for me? Let's now hone in on those things and find someone else to take care of the rest. What are the things that men need most from women in general? What are some of the things?

• 50:34Stephan Speaks?

  What are the things that you think men need most from women in general? I, I think. In a relationship? Yes, support. Support and let me add to the support by saying a belief in that man. You know, I think we need a woman that believes in us, that kind of reveres us, so to speak. Has that respect for us and views us in a great light. Uh, because again, as men, we're gonna have moments where we may question ourselves, we may feel down. And if that woman that we're with can't pour into us in that way, in that moment, with a genuine energy of I believe in you, I support you, I love you, that's gonna be tough to deal with, alright? I think also sexual satisfaction for most men is extremely important.

• 51:16Stephan Speaks?

  Um, I think, I think women underestimate how serious of a need sexual satisfaction is. For a man. Yes, and again, it goes back to not understanding we are wired very differently. By, by biology, looking at it from a biological standpoint, we have more testosterone than they do. More sex drive. Exactly, we naturally have more libido. Part of the reason why is because, and I, I hope I'm saying this correctly, the DNA's main primary objective is reproduction. Yes. It has to keep us ready all the time. And so because of that, that's why, I'm sure you're familiar with semen retention. Tell me.

• 51:57Stephan Speaks?

  Okay, so semen retention is basically the practice of going without any sexual release over a period of time. Yeah. And people have reported where over time, they've developed, like men, they've developed deeper voices, more muscle mass, more confidence, more focus, all these things. By, by holding on to the. Yes, by holding on to that life force, so to speak, and not releasing it in any way, shape or form. What is happening, uh, from, based on my research, what is happening is the body's saying, oh, you're not reproducing. We don't need to keep. You're not mating with anybody, I need to make you more desirable. Really? Yes, because I need you to go do something. Wow. So that's why I'm gonna raise your testosterone, I'm gonna deepen your voice, I'm gonna let that masculine energy pop out.

• 52:41Stephan Speaks?

  You're gonna get more confident, you're gonna be more comfortable around. Women, this is what happens. So that's why men who kinda bury themselves in constant sexual release through their own means. They don't understand they're robbing themselves. Now, some people don't believe in it. I'm a huge believer in it. I believe it's absolutely real. And it's extremely beneficial. But back to the point of men and women being so different. Again, we, we, and it doesn't mean that there aren't women who need sexual satisfaction as well. And there are women who may be just as sexual as a man. But in general, on average, a man needs it way more. Biologically speaking, he needs it way more. So to neglect him of that, it causes a lot of freaking problems.

• 53:25Lewis Howes?

  What happens if a man doesn't have the sexual release and experience and expression in an intimate, committed relationship long term?

• 53:35Stephan Speaks?

  Well, I think another thing that it can do to you is raise aggression. Because again, with, uh, with the increase of testosterone, aggression also increases. So there was a woman on TikTok who mentioned that we need more monogamy because as monogamy decreases and less men have a partner that they can mate with and, and be, you know, be sexually engaged with. You'll start to see a rise in rape. You start to see a rise in sexual abuse. You start to see a rise in crime. There's all these negative things that start to happen because you have a group of men who aren't getting any action, who start to get frustrated and it starts to pour over into negative ways.

• 54:17Stephan Speaks?

  Now granted, I don't think we can solve every man getting it or not, but it just speaks to what's happening within a man when he goes without for so long, unless he learns, I, I will say this. Because it is possible to also, I believe, to channel that energy into other ways.

• 54:32Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 54:33Stephan Speaks?

  So as I mentioned in.

• 54:34Lewis Howes?

  Way superior man, he talks about.

• 54:36Stephan Speaks?

  Yes, and Think and Grow Rich talks about it, uh, sexual transmutation. Yes. So I do believe, and we know about it, so I do believe.

• 54:45Lewis Howes?

  The fight of all men have to deal with like managing this energy.

• 54:49Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly, exactly. And so now, what happens is if you are, if you are not an ambitious man, or you're not a man that has created avenues for you to release that energy into something more productive, well, it's getting trapped and now that causes a problem. You see what I'm saying?

• 55:06Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 55:06Stephan Speaks?

  So you've got to find a way to release it somehow. But I think over time, like we can only sexually transmute so much.

• 55:14Lewis Howes?

  Release at some point.

• 55:16Stephan Speaks?

  So that's just really hard. But again, there's some men who have conquered it better than others. So I'm not going to act like men can't do it. It's just not that easy.

• 55:24Lewis Howes?

  What do you think is the best way for a driven, confident, alpha masculine man, healthy, conscious masculine man, to eliminate distractions or temptations when they're in a committed intimate long-term relationship, from wanting to think about other women or scroll on Instagram and dream about what that could be like and be tempted to say, "I need more partners."

• 55:56Stephan Speaks?

  Okay.

• 55:56Lewis Howes?

  You know, what is the, you know, what is the best way for men who might feel like, "Gosh, I just, it's hard for me to hone this in and stay fully like present with my woman and think about, can I be with this person for 50 years and only be with one person?" What is the best solution for those men who might be, maybe women are so attracted to them because they are a desirable man. They have a great partner, great life, great relationship, that women are just trying to come in and steal them.

• 56:25Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 56:25Lewis Howes?

  How does a man stay fully present in their relationship, fully integrous, fully committed for the long-term vision while being present now?

• 56:37Stephan Speaks?

  You have to cut off everything that feeds the struggle. So if you know looking at Instagram puts you in that place, you can't be on Instagram. Now, I know that's easier said than done depending on a person's profession and all these different things, but literally you have to cut off all influences that push you on that path. Because it could be Instagram, it could be the music you're listening to, it could be the TV that you're watching depending on what you're watching. And I know it it's tough because you get to a point where it's like, well, I got to cut off everything almost. But yeah. Yeah, the the more you can remove these outside influences, the easier it is for you to be present with your partner. I remember one time there was a guy, uh, his wife had got pregnant.

• 57:20Stephan Speaks?

  I don't know if they were married at that time. Either way, his partner was pregnant. She put on some weight. He found himself less attracted to her. They weren't having sex as much. He went to get some help. They suggested stop looking at porn, stop looking at Instagram. He stopped. For three weeks, he looked at pretty much no other woman unless he passed a woman in the street. He said after three weeks, he found himself more attracted to his partner. Even without the weight loss. Now, it doesn't mean he still didn't want her to lose weight because sustaining that, it was still gonna make some adjustments, but it did help.

• 57:53Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 57:54Stephan Speaks?

  Because he didn't have these other influences constantly being put in his face that makes him question, okay, what's going on here? Like, I don't like this, or, you know, dang, I could have this too, or, you know.

• 58:06Lewis Howes?

  That would be like.

• 58:07Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. So it's just, we've got to know our weaknesses, uh, uh, where we fall short and just cut it off at the root as best as possible.

• 58:15Lewis Howes?

  I think it goes back to also communicating your, your needs, um, you know, your agreements, your roles, responsibilities in the relationship and making sure your needs are met as a man.

• 58:24Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 58:25Lewis Howes?

  If your needs are not met, and you, and

• 58:27Stephan Speaks?

  It opens the door.

• 58:28Lewis Howes?

  You know, you're like, oh, okay, if not, if I can't get it here, then I wonder what that would be like, or this would be like.

• 58:34Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 58:34Lewis Howes?

  That's why I think it's really important to have these real, honest conversations before you get committed about what your needs are.

• 58:40Stephan Speaks?

  Absolutely.

• 58:40Lewis Howes?

  Maybe there's a man that's like, I only need to have sex a couple of times a month and I'm happy. For me, that doesn't work, right? And, you know, maybe in 20 years it changes. I don't know, but it's like, you gotta be realistic and say, you know, I've had conversations with Martha where I'm just like, this is what I'm gonna need. This is what I'm gonna need. And

• 59:01Lewis Howes?

  Are you able to provide this? If not, I don't wanna push you on something that you don't wanna do. You know, and same for you, what are your needs? And can I provide those for you?

• 59:10Stephan Speaks?

  Absolutely.

• 59:10Lewis Howes?

  And if I can't provide for your needs, you shouldn't be with me. We shouldn't be together if it doesn't naturally align.

• 59:17Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 59:17Lewis Howes?

  Right? We should be naturally aligning, not, you have to change three things about you in order to please me, and I have to change everything to please you. I don't think that's a right match.

• 59:25Stephan Speaks?

  No, it's not.

• 59:26Lewis Howes?

  There might be sexual attraction, there might, you maybe have fun, you could be friends, whatever, but I'm talking healthy, long-term commitment.

• 59:33Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 59:34Lewis Howes?

  With the least amount of pain. You know what I mean? It's like, there's going to be challenge, there's going to be adversity and pain that causes by living life. But if you can minimize stress and anxiety within the relationship, I think that's the best approach.

• 59:50Stephan Speaks?

  Absolutely.

• 59:51Lewis Howes?

  And talking about needs is key upfront. So, I'm hearing you say men need to eliminate any temptation or distractions that might get them thinking about another option.

• 1:00:01Stephan Speaks?

  Yes. And I do agree with you a hundred percent. As the next thing would be, making sure we lay out those needs and desires and make sure they're being met on both sides. Cause I'm a firm believer, you can't expect this person to meet all your requirements if you're not gonna do the same for them. But I do think that there's a lot of men who, they don't take it as far as they need to, as far as expressing, what is it exactly you want from this woman to be happy?

• 1:00:26Lewis Howes?

  Crazy sexual like nuances. Like you gotta go there.

• 1:00:30Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 1:00:31Lewis Howes?

  Even if it's uncomfortable, or you feel like, man, this is, they're gonna judge me, or they're gonna think this is weird.

• 1:00:35Stephan Speaks?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:00:36Lewis Howes?

  But if you don't get that, you're gonna resent it in a year, two years, six months.

• 1:00:40Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly.

• 1:00:41Lewis Howes?

  And then be thinking about where can I get this met?

• 1:00:43Stephan Speaks?

  And that's, and that's the key. If you can honestly say, if I don't get this, I'm good. Like, I, I would like this, but it's not a big deal to me. I can go without it, cool. But if you know going without this is gonna disturb you and be a huge struggle for you, yeah, you're, you're asking for problems.

• 1:01:02Lewis Howes?

  Why do you think it's so hard for men to only be with one women? Or one woman? Or why do you think that's the struggle for men when they think about it? Like, can I only be with one woman for the rest of my life? And they're like, well, if I could just have like a threesome once a year. We hear these conversations, but why is it challenging? And from the men that you've met who are extremely sexually satisfied with their one intimate partner for decades, what is it they're doing differently? Or how they shifted that thinking that they need more women?

• 1:01:36Stephan Speaks?

  So here's my current theories and beliefs that I'm not gonna lie to you. I still struggle with in some points, not because I don't believe what I'm about to say, but because if true, it's a hard pill to swallow. So I'm of belief that the majority of men can actually be happy with one woman, no problem. I view it in the same way I view business, alright? There's the bosses and the workers and neither label is a negative to either side, okay? It's just a reality that there are men who they don't need a bunch. They don't need a lot in their life. If they're making a certain salary, they have a roof over their head, food on their table, needs are being met, they're good.

• 1:02:20Stephan Speaks?

  They don't have this extra gear of ambition that says, go out and do more. That kind of guy can have his one woman. Again, key is needs are being met.

• 1:02:30Lewis Howes?

  In the relationship.

• 1:02:30Stephan Speaks?

  Yes, in the relationship, I think he's fine. He can do that for the rest of his life, no problem.

• 1:02:36Lewis Howes?

  Live a happy, fulfilled life.

• 1:02:37Stephan Speaks?

  Yes. And understand, because that man doesn't even have the desire in him or the energy to go out there trying to mingle with other women and all that kind of stuff.

• 1:02:48Lewis Howes?

  Exactly. A lot of effort.

• 1:02:49Stephan Speaks?

  Yes, it takes a certain kind of mindset and energy to be able to do that. A lot of guys aren't like that. They just want to be happy and have their needs met and that's it. But then there's the smaller percentage of men, which we could argue are the more desirable men of society, who tend to be more ambitious men. Like I remember reading somewhere, if I'm correct, people like Einstein, Steve Jobs, all these geniuses, high sexual energy. There seems to be this connection, this correlation between these ambitious men, these very unique individuals that do big things in life and them having this very high sexual energy. And again, they probably had to learn to transmute some of that to accomplish what they accomplish.

• 1:03:34Stephan Speaks?

  Where these types of men. There's a greater struggle now to just be limited to that one woman. Because it's the same thing that they struggle with being limited to one invention or one business. You know what I'm saying? They they just have this mind and this this desire for more. I gotta keep going, I gotta keep going. And so I think that guy is the guy that. And I don't know if it's maybe his testosterone is higher than normal. I don't know. I don't know what is it in the man that causes that. But I do believe that every highly ambitious, successful man I know. The vast majority, so let me not say every, but the vast majority of them have that struggle. Or don't even believe in monogamy. Period.

• 1:04:19Stephan Speaks?

  All right.

• 1:04:20Lewis Howes?

  Do you, okay, finish what you're saying.

• 1:04:21Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah, so I so and and I will say some of the ones who have like. I feel for me personally, the thing that helps me is my relationship with God.

• 1:04:30Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:31Stephan Speaks?

  If I take that away, I'm not gonna lie to you. I don't know.

• 1:04:34Lewis Howes?

  You're a dog. Without God, you're a dog.

• 1:04:37Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah, it's all right. Like, and and and let me just be clear, not dog as in. I will never be a liar. I'll never be playing women, taking advantage of them, none of that. But would I be all over the place?

• 1:04:49Lewis Howes?

  Eventually.

• 1:04:49Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:50Lewis Howes?

  Devon Franklin talks about this in one of his books, uh, about there's a dog in every man.

• 1:04:55Stephan Speaks?

  Hmm.

• 1:04:55Lewis Howes?

  Right? Again, not like a a mean dog, but like a dog that has like a desire to go get another bone out there.

• 1:05:02Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:02Lewis Howes?

  It's like, just like, and it's learning how to fight the dog within you.

• 1:05:06Stephan Speaks?

  Hmm.

• 1:05:07Lewis Howes?

  That has that desire, right? What happens? Have you ever met a man who's been in a a marriage, let's say, or a long term? Relationship with one person as a constant? But has other sexual encounters with other women? And the relationship works long term with that one person still? Open relationship or hall passes that are aware of this, the partner is aware of this. Where you still have this really happy intimate connected partnership between the man and the main partner. Have you met anyone like this?

• 1:05:44Stephan Speaks?

  No, honestly.

• 1:05:45Lewis Howes?

  What typically happens when a man is with someone but also is with other people?

• 1:05:49Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah, so I think, one, we have to make sure we define what work means. So to some people, it's working because they're still together.

• 1:05:58Lewis Howes?

  I mean, happy, healthy.

• 1:06:00Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly, that's the key. So for that to be the, the standard of what we call it's working, no.

• 1:06:07Lewis Howes?

  You haven't seen that?

• 1:06:08Stephan Speaks?

  I haven't seen it. I'm not, you know, I can never say it doesn't exist 100%. But what I think is, what I believe strongly is that the woman accepting that is already kind of killing off a piece of herself. That piece that wants to be number one in his life, that wants to be fully loved, to feel like he doesn't need anyone else but me. And I argue that, kind of going back to masculine and feminine, to show you another difference between men. Women need love at a level or in a way that men don't. Meaning that if you went to a woman and you said, or if you went to a man and you said, I will give you this woman, she will give you everything that you need, fulfill all your desires,

• 1:06:52Stephan Speaks?

  but she cannot say she's in love with you, will you take it? There's a majority of men who will take it. Because hey, I'm getting my.

• 1:06:58Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I'm good.

• 1:07:00Stephan Speaks?

  Who cares, right?

• 1:07:02Stephan Speaks?

  If you go to a woman with the same deal, he will fulfill all your needs, he'll be everything that you want, but he cannot say he is in love with you. There's a lot of women who can't take that deal.

• 1:07:12Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 1:07:12Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 1:07:13Lewis Howes?

  Why is that?

• 1:07:13Stephan Speaks?

  Because again, they need that aspect of love, that energy, that it's, it's, it takes things to a different level that speaks to who they are. I believe that speaks to the feminine in the woman. The feminine in the woman craves that love. We are more in, you, you can call it the more logical mind or whatever you want to call it, but we just want, as long as we're getting what we need, it's easier for us. Yes, we feel respected and, and, and we're being satisfied. A lot of guys are like, I'm not passing that up.

• 1:07:43Lewis Howes?

  What would you say are the three most important things that every man needs from their partner? Is it respect?

• 1:07:49Stephan Speaks?

  So support, respect, and I still gotta use sexual satisfaction.

• 1:07:54Lewis Howes?

  Sexual satisfaction.

• 1:07:54Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:55Lewis Howes?

  Support, sexual satisfaction.

• 1:07:57Stephan Speaks?

  And respect.

• 1:07:57Lewis Howes?

  And respect are the three things that most men need in a relationship.

• 1:08:02Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:02Lewis Howes?

  For them to feel happy and fulfilled.

• 1:08:04Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah, because if you take away any of those three, it's a problem. If he doesn't feel respected, it's gonna cause huge problems. He doesn't feel supported, a lot of people don't realize, a lot of infidelity does not start from um, that man having a sexual desire for another woman. It can start from a lack of support in the household. And then you have other women coming around who are, you know, feeding his, his head with, you, I think you're amazing. If you were my man, I would do this and blah, blah, blah, blah, I believe in you. He doesn't get that at home, and that opens the door to it becoming sexual. Which is why you'll see a lot of situations where the man cheats on his partner with a woman who doesn't even look as good as his partner.

• 1:08:48Lewis Howes?

  But it's fulfilling some sexual need.

• 1:08:50Stephan Speaks?

  Not even a sexual need, it fulfilled first the emotional need. And then, yes, and it could be just sexual depending on what the initial issue was, but

• 1:08:57Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:08:58Stephan Speaks?

  Yes, it can go, it can either be sexual or emotional, but I think people always think it's a sexual thing with men.

• 1:09:03Lewis Howes?

  An emotional need meaning like, I'm not getting the respect I want, so that's an emotional feeling?

• 1:09:08Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 1:09:08Lewis Howes?

  Or not feeling supported at home, so that's an emotional feeling?

• 1:09:12Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 1:09:12Lewis Howes?

  So the three things that every man you believe needs, most men need, is respect, support, and sexual

• 1:09:19Stephan Speaks?

  Satisfaction.

• 1:09:20Lewis Howes?

  Satisfaction.

• 1:09:21Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:21Lewis Howes?

  What would be the three things that every woman needs from their man to feel fulfilled?

• 1:09:26Stephan Speaks?

  I, I wanna say love, and I guess when I say the word love, I mean it from the standpoint of non-sexual intimacy, being able to pour into her emotionally, mentally, being able to hold her, caress her. It's everything other than sex. And again, it's not to say that women don't enjoy sex or don't desire or need sex. But if you just gave them sex and you didn't give them those other things, it's gonna be a problem.

• 1:09:51Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:09:52Stephan Speaks?

  So, so I think love, I think security.

• 1:09:57Stephan Speaks?

  Again, it goes back to that needing to feel safe, needing to feel comfortable around you, needing to not feel judged around you. Um, I think that's extremely important. Again, you you take away a woman's security. I want to give one quick example. I had one client where um she was with a guy and while they were in a relationship, she never had an orgasm with him, okay? They get married and it's orgasm city.

• 1:10:19Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 1:10:20Stephan Speaks?

  Yes, it just it just starts flowing out, okay? Yes.

• 1:10:23Lewis Howes?

  Now, now she feels fully safe or comfortable?

• 1:10:25Stephan Speaks?

  Yes, then here's what happened. Years in, he was in the military, he cheats on her. The orgasm stopped. And I always use that to say, listen, nothing changed sexually as far as physically what was happening. But mentally and emotionally, she no longer felt safe and secure in this relationship. And that was enough to turn the switch on and off when it came to her sexual satisfaction and her being sexually receptive to him. So definitely, security is the other thing.

• 1:10:56Stephan Speaks?

  And I I think, I'm trying to find the right word, right way to phrase this, but I feel like the word that I want to use is stimulation. I feel that women need to be stimulated by their man. Now, that could be mental stimulation, that could just be spontaneous fun in the relationship. Just not being boring. Like, women can get very bored easily in a relationship. You have to find a way to keep her stimulated. Again, and and and I don't want men to hear that and think, I'm constantly doing, no, but there has to be enough in your bag that you can pull out when necessary or that certain things you possess naturally that keep her in that place.

• 1:11:41Stephan Speaks?

  Because once she gets too bored, that opens the doors to problems as well.

• 1:11:49Lewis Howes?

  Is it harder for a man to provide these keys for a woman to feel satisfied? Or is it harder for a woman to show up and give what the man needs to be satisfied?

• 1:12:05Stephan Speaks?

  So my honest answer, my initial, what I wanna say is it's harder for the man.

• 1:12:10Lewis Howes?

  Because men, it's hard, it's in general, it's hard for a driven masculine man to really take a moment to be non-sexual and intimate in an affectionate, listening, compassionate, generous way. And to think about, how can I be spontaneous and fun and interesting? When I'm just focused and driven to go provide and bring back?

• 1:12:35Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:35Lewis Howes?

  It's harder, right?

• 1:12:36Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah, so basically you can look at it as you've got to really be able to tap into your feminine side, so to speak.

• 1:12:44Lewis Howes?

  As a man.

• 1:12:45Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah, as a man, to be able to tap into her needs and desires. Whereas, she doesn't necessarily have to tap into her masculine side to satisfy us.

• 1:12:53Lewis Howes?

  No.

• 1:12:53Stephan Speaks?

  Other than you could argue, maybe when it comes to her approach to sex. If she approached it from a more masculine, like, I'm just ready to go, then yeah, a lot of guys would be happy with that. But she can remain in her feminine.

• 1:13:05Lewis Howes?

  And respect you and support you.

• 1:13:07Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly.

• 1:13:08Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 1:13:08Stephan Speaks?

  So it's easy, it will be easier for her, for her, from that standpoint.

• 1:13:12Lewis Howes?

  So it's really like, men need to really learn how to be masters of themselves and become a master of flexing both the masculine energy and the feminine energy to be able to fully pour into their partner, their woman, at a high level, the way she needs to receive it.

• 1:13:28Stephan Speaks?

  Absolutely.

• 1:13:29Lewis Howes?

  And that means you can't just be the, the big, strong, tough, driven provider. You gotta have some sensitive vulnerability within you to be, what it sounds like, the ultimate masculine man.

• 1:13:40Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 1:13:41Lewis Howes?

  Right?

• 1:13:41Stephan Speaks?

  Absolutely. That's definitely, it's all about the balance from within us. And, and we've got to, we gotta get more comfortable with it, we've got, we gotta get. More educated on how we go about it. You know, cuz I want men to understand that though I I'm encouraging them to tap into their feminine side to be able to provide some of these things. You don't wanna lose sight of your masculine, and so that's why it's it's still important. Like, I I call it loving in your masculine. All right? You have to learn how to love in your masculine. And that might sound tricky, but I do believe it's extremely possible. Once you grasp the concept and you start to become comfortable with it. Because consider yourself.

• 1:14:21Stephan Speaks?

  Now you're at a point where you had the confidence to say what you want, to lay everything out. You remove the fear of, well, if if she doesn't like this, I'm gonna lose her. No, you know what it needs to be, either you're with it or you're not. So now that allows you to remain in your masculine while you still can provide for her in the ways that she needs. You see? We we slide fully into the feminine when we become this, oh, my gosh, I have to keep her. I gotta do everything to get her, whatever, whatever. We become emotionally needy. Now, it's like you're trying to do everything she wants, but you don't have that balance of standing strong in who you are. And that's really all it takes, in my opinion.

• 1:14:59Lewis Howes?

  That's why it's so important to have these conversations upfront before you enter the relationship. So that you're comfortable walking away or losing someone as opposed to just giving in to try to keep them.

• 1:15:10Stephan Speaks?

  Yes. Never be afraid to lose them more than you're afraid to lose yourself.

• 1:15:14Lewis Howes?

  Oh dang.

• 1:15:15Stephan Speaks?

  You know what I'm saying?

• 1:15:15Lewis Howes?

  That's good, man. It's so true, though.

• 1:15:17Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:17Lewis Howes?

  Why do you think so many people are afraid to lose someone else? And they'll give in at any moment because they don't wanna lose someone.

• 1:15:24Stephan Speaks?

  Well, you can't be afraid to lose yourself when you don't know who you are.

• 1:15:26Lewis Howes?

  Hmm, that's true.

• 1:15:28Stephan Speaks?

  You see? You you know what's in front of you with them or what you believe is in front of you with them.

• 1:15:32Lewis Howes?

  You see something, you're like, I want that.

• 1:15:32Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. But you haven't done the work within yourself to understand that this is not who you are right now. That this is compromising what you need, that this is undermining what's gonna allow you to be happy in the long run. Once you find that place, find that person within you and you embrace it and you're confident, now you can't be moved from that. And now you're gonna approach situations and relationships completely different. And again, that confidence and understanding. A self alone is gonna exude a certain energy that people will respect and make you more desirable in people's eyes.

• 1:16:08Lewis Howes?

  And you'll be able to see what you don't want. You know, the wounds that someone else is carrying with them. That you're like, I don't need to go rescue this person. They gotta heal first.

• 1:16:17Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly.

• 1:16:17Lewis Howes?

  Before they can enter in my space if I want to create a conscious, healthy relationship.

• 1:16:21Stephan Speaks?

  Absolutely.

• 1:16:22Lewis Howes?

  Right? Because why do you think so many men or so many women attract a partner with so many wounds? Or that is wounded and needs them to rescue them?

• 1:16:34Stephan Speaks?

  Well, I, I think, I always tell people, you know, some will say you are what you attract. And I dispute it because I feel like you can be the most healthy individual. There's still gonna be unhealthy people or people who still need to heal coming your way.

• 1:16:48Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:16:49Stephan Speaks?

  That's normal. That's life.

• 1:16:50Lewis Howes?

  You're gonna attract everyone.

• 1:16:51Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. Because everyone wants to be a part of your life. The key is who you entertain. So if you keep entertaining these people who need healing, who have these issues, then that speaks to issues within you that have not been resolved.

• 1:17:06Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:17:06Stephan Speaks?

  And those things are feeding your need to either again feel like, well, if I can fix them, I have more value here. I have more control here. All the things we talked about earlier on in the conversation. That's what's playing out when you feel like you want to hold on to this individual. Or again, you don't know yourself enough to understand that this, what you're doing right now, you can't even sustain it. And you will not be happy with this relationship, even like, people don't realize if they got this person they wanted so bad, they're gonna be more miserable after the fact.

• 1:17:37Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 1:17:37Stephan Speaks?

  Yes. Because again, they're so blinded in the moment of, I want them, I want them, I want them. They're not even considering what I have to do to even get them back.

• 1:17:47Lewis Howes?

  I know.

• 1:17:48Stephan Speaks?

  And what I'm gonna have to do to keep them happy, as well as you're probably setting the stage where they're gonna get to say, oh, well, you have to work to have me. I don't have to work to have you. Cause you're starting off unbalanced. So why would they all of a sudden say, okay, well, let me switch it off and now let me do more for you than you were doing for me? No. Part of the reason they even got with you is because you were overcompensating for what they weren't giving you.

• 1:18:13Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:18:14Stephan Speaks?

  So you're you're gonna end up miserable anyway. But if you healed and you did your own work, you would not go that far down the path.

• 1:18:24Lewis Howes?

  So it goes back to one creating balance in a relationship, not equality.

• 1:18:29Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 1:18:30Lewis Howes?

  Right?

• 1:18:30Stephan Speaks?

  Yes, and and I want people to understand when I say not equality, again, I think that the man and the woman have equal value to the success of the relationship. I can't do this without you, you can't do this without me.

• 1:18:41Lewis Howes?

  But we have different roles.

• 1:18:42Stephan Speaks?

  We have different roles. Looking at like on a basketball team.

• 1:18:46Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:46Stephan Speaks?

  Think about the Bulls when it was Robin, Pippen, and Jordan. Robin can't do what Jordan and Pippen can do.

• 1:18:53Lewis Howes?

  No.

• 1:18:54Stephan Speaks?

  You could argue that he is not quote unquote as equal in value to them, right? But they cannot win the championship without him. He is the missing piece to the puzzle. So to me, I don't like this idea of finding your equal. No, find your missing piece. Who completes your puzzle? Who complements you? They don't have to bring the exact things you bring to the table. They don't have to have quote unquote equal value. No, they just have to be the compliment that when you guys come together, you make a whole unit that's unstoppable.

• 1:19:26Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm. What happens when uh two healthy, conscious, whole people come together and they're a powerful match for one another? What happens for those individuals in life?

• 1:19:40Stephan Speaks?

  I just think everything gets better from there. Like now you just have a place of peace, a place of understanding. You you have a place where you can get re-energized and and take on life a lot more. I think you can accomplish more. I just think that two people coming together at that magnitude, it magnifies everything in both of them, all the good in both of them. And whatever they were doing now, they're gonna be able to do better later.

• 1:20:06Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:06Stephan Speaks?

  So it's just, it's an amazing thing when it happens.

• 1:20:09Lewis Howes?

  Have you ever seen a man never get in a committed, long-term relationship? Uh, live a healthy, uh, live a healthy, happy life, long-term, being with multiple women for the rest of their life?

• 1:20:24Stephan Speaks?

  No. I haven't seen it. Uh, you know, I think, I think at some point, every man who has lived that life.

• 1:20:34Stephan Speaks?

  Says to themselves, I really don't wanna keep doing this. This is too much. It's exhausting. Being with these different women, it's very unstable. It can be unpredictable. Who knows what drama may come with it? I think that there's a desire to just have one, but for some, what's stopping them isn't a lack of desire, it's the fear of giving themselves fully to one woman.

• 1:20:59Lewis Howes?

  Why are they so afraid?

• 1:21:00Stephan Speaks?

  Well, because they've been hurt before. Most guys who lived that life have been hurt before. You'll see situations where a man could even grow up being a player. Maybe he had uncles, cousins that all said, have your fun, do your thing. And no matter how much he's been programmed and trained to be a player, he will meet a woman at some point that he's willing to throw in his player card for. He's like, forget it, I only want her. The problem is, men are not taught how to handle when they feel that way about a woman. They don't understand how to go about it, so they mishandle the situation. People get hurt, things go left, and now when everything blows up, he's resenting, he's resenting love.

• 1:21:45Stephan Speaks?

  He's resenting maybe that woman. He now shuts down, and to him, the solution is, I'm not gonna give my heart to one woman again.

• 1:21:52Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:21:53Stephan Speaks?

  So multiple women is a coping mechanism for him.

• 1:21:55Lewis Howes?

  Cause I don't wanna deal with the stress, or the feeling trapped, or the pain, or whatever.

• 1:21:59Stephan Speaks?

  I don't wanna deal with the vulnerability of it.

• 1:22:02Lewis Howes?

  Ah, interesting.

• 1:22:02Stephan Speaks?

  You see what I'm saying? Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there aren't men who... Oh, I'll say this. I think even the men who desire to sleep with multiple women would prefer to have that one woman and then do their thing on the side. You see? So they still want that one individual that they can rely upon, even when they have a desire to sleep with others. So to me, I just don't see a man wanting to never have that one woman and just say, no, I'll just keep being with a bunch of different women.

• 1:22:33Lewis Howes?

  Right, right.

• 1:22:34Stephan Speaks?

  It's draining him.

• 1:22:35Lewis Howes?

  They wanna have at least a partner they feel supported, respected.

• 1:22:38Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 1:22:39Lewis Howes?

  But what I've heard, one of hearing you say is... You don't think that works long term of a man having one woman and then having women on the side?

• 1:22:48Stephan Speaks?

  No, because it's it's it's you're inviting a lot of potential drama.

• 1:22:52Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:53Stephan Speaks?

  It's hard to.

• 1:22:53Lewis Howes?

  Parasite energies.

• 1:22:54Stephan Speaks?

  Yes, it's it's hard to be emotionally available for all. Listen, it's hard enough to be emotionally available for one woman. Depending on the type of guy you are, okay? All right, so now you gotta manage multiple women. That's just really tough. I think like even when you think about back in the days and I'm in way back in the days, kings and queens and you had kings with many women.

• 1:23:15Lewis Howes?

  That was more for reproduction, right? It was like, we need this.

• 1:23:18Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah, part of his status reproduction, some of it was, well, these women, if they didn't, if they didn't allow themselves to be married to this man or be one of his wives, they'd be out in the street and homeless. But here's the thing, like, yeah, he might have been cool because he's king. But these women weren't happy. They just accepted it. It was it was acceptable enough to work with, but it wasn't what they really wanted and desired. So it's never this unit of two people who are just so happy in it. And I would still argue that that king, if he doesn't have a queen, no matter how many concubines he has, if he doesn't have a queen, he still feels empty. He still needs that one woman that he can share his life with.

• 1:23:58Stephan Speaks?

  So wanting to sleep with multiple women is very different than the need to have that one woman that you can share a life with.

• 1:24:04Lewis Howes?

  What is your thoughts, uh, going back to submissive? This word that women, some women don't really like, right? What would be another word to be used for submissive? That you think women might be receptive to hearing and be like, okay, I'm gonna take, listen to this perspective.

• 1:24:26Stephan Speaks?

  My, I was gonna say let your guard down, but no, that's not gonna work either. They don't like that one either.

• 1:24:35Stephan Speaks?

  You know, I don't, I don't know.

• 1:24:37Lewis Howes?

  Is it feminine? Is it, what's the word like?

• 1:24:39Stephan Speaks?

  Well, I, I, I think, again, depending on the woman's perception of what these things mean, and what they, or what they mean to her specifically, will dictate how receptive she is to each word. And that's why I think at some point, I, I, rather than trying to find a different word, I just want them to understand that submissive is not a bad thing. I'm not saying submit to every single man that comes your way. But if you're with the right man, if you are confident this man is a good man, is pouring into you, is showing up the way that he needs to, why, why not embrace it?

• 1:25:10Lewis Howes?

  Allow him to lead in certain ways.

• 1:25:11Stephan Speaks?

  Yes, but, but what I think women have to understand is, because I, I guarantee you, there'll be some women who just heard that and say, well, I have no problem with that. If he shows himself worthy, I will submit. I think the disconnect is, but you're not exuding an energy outside of that, that says you're a woman who's capable of that. That's the problem. So it's like, yes, I do believe that most women, in the presence of a masculine man, who loves them and they feel safe around, is gonna let their walls down and quote unquote, submit. Naturally, it'll just happen. They won't even think about it. It will just naturally happen. But, when she's out and about, when she's at a party, whatever the case may be,

• 1:25:53Stephan Speaks?

  she's not giving off that energy, so that man who's capable of pouring into her in that way, doesn't even step to her. He goes to somebody else. And so I just want women to learn how to exude that energy more. But that doesn't mean you're submitting to every single guy that comes your way.

• 1:26:10Lewis Howes?

  Sure, sure. We mentioned that about this before. I've been seeing a lot of content on TikTok about some women saying that, you know, once you hit past thirty, your value as a woman has gone down dramatically for, uh, you know, a driven, high-desirable man.

• 1:26:27Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:29Lewis Howes?

  Is there truth to that? Or what do you think about this for women over thirty who aren't married, who don't have kids? Are they as desirable as a great partner for men in their thirties and forties? Or are those men that are now emotionally ready to commit more interested in someone younger than them?

• 1:26:48Stephan Speaks?

  I think, so I'm gonna put it to you like this. I think people have to understand there's a difference between what we put down on paper that we want versus what happens in the reality of life. All right? So, yes, if you asked a highly successful man, would you prefer an over thirty year old woman versus a woman in her twenties? Majority of them are probably gonna pick in her twenties. Though, there are gonna be men who will say in over thirty. And that's the thing I want people to understand. Not all of these men think the exact same. They have different reasons. I've met men who are very successful who did not wanna date a woman under thirty. Refused to date a woman under thirty.

• 1:27:26Lewis Howes?

  Cause they probably thought it'd be more drama or less emotional availability or whatever it might be.

• 1:27:30Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. There's a trade off somewhere and they didn't wanna make that trade off.

• 1:27:33Lewis Howes?

  And it's like, what do we have in common?

• 1:27:35Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. And depending on what that specific man truly values will determine which side he falls on. But what I want people to understand is, again, even if, even if we said ninety percent of those men want under twenty on paper.

• 1:27:49Lewis Howes?

  Under thirty.

• 1:27:49Stephan Speaks?

  Under thirty, I'm sorry. Under thirty.

• 1:27:51Lewis Howes?

  Under twenty might be a little...

• 1:27:53Stephan Speaks?

  Take that out, no. We gotta keep it above. But, okay, under thirty. Then, what happens is, in real life, though, if that successful man goes to a bar, meets this beautiful woman, exuding all this feminine energy, they talk, the conversation's amazing, they're, they're, they're in full alignment with what they want and what they like, he's not gonna say, "Oh, you're thirty one? I can't talk to you anymore." At that point, it doesn't matter. Once the vibe is there, the connection's there, it doesn't matter. So, you have tons of people that end up with someone who didn't fit what they would've wrote down on a piece of paper. You see? Because what we write down is like our most ideal based off our logic.

• 1:28:38Stephan Speaks?

  So, it's almost like if you ask someone what kind of car you want, they might mention, "Yeah, I wanna Bentley." But when they leave the dealership, they're left with a Corolla or, you know, a Nissan or whatever the case may be. Because they realize that's what worked better for them by the time they were done. So I just think that people get caught up in what they're hearing on the internet. Rather than, listen, if you show up as your best self, you can still win, whether you're in your twenties, thirties, forties, fifties, whatever. It doesn't matter. You just have to be your best self. And what I also want women to understand is, your goal is not to appeal to the whole base of men. Your goal is to find that one man who aligns with you.

• 1:29:20Stephan Speaks?

  So even if ninety percent of the guys say on paper they don't want this, well, maybe your guys in that ten percent and you'll be fine. Just focus on being your best you.

• 1:29:32Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:29:34Lewis Howes?

  Man, this has been some good stuff so far. What else do we need to talk about today, you think? What else has been a big sticking point for people in relationships lately?

• 1:29:48Stephan Speaks?

  I just think that in general, there's this huge negative stigma on dating in general. And a lot of people are just over it and they want to be done. And again,

• 1:30:04Lewis Howes?

  They're done with dating.

• 1:30:05Stephan Speaks?

  They're done with dating. They're done with putting in the effort to date. And a lot of people are confusing practices that don't work with that individual versus practices that don't work in general. Alright? So for example, let's going back again to feminine energy. If I say to a woman, okay, walking your feminine energy is gonna get you more success. Oh, well, the last guy I was with, he didn't appreciate it. Okay, that guy didn't. That doesn't mean stop being feminine because being feminine works, alright? But you have to recognize that that guy is not it for you. Same thing, one time on a previous interview I did with Lisa, she mentioned how there was a guy who goes on a date

• 1:30:50Stephan Speaks?

  and she went on a date with her friend. At the end of the date, check comes, the guy looks at the check, she looks at the guy, he looks back at her. They're just sitting there looking to see who's gonna pay for it first. Finally, after like a couple minutes, he's like, oh, thank God, you're not one of them. And what what he explained was, his last date, when he went to pay for the check, the date chewed him out. And told, I can pay for my own meal and just let him have it. So now he became afraid to try to pay for the meal in fear that he would get chewed out again. And so, people are, again, mistaking, no, the problem wasn't you trying to pay for the date. If you're a guy who's comfortable in that role or wants to be in that role,

• 1:31:32Stephan Speaks?

  then that was your sign that you two are not a match. That's it. But don't change being the guy who pays for the date. Just change the woman that you go on a date with.

• 1:31:42Stephan Speaks?

  So, yeah, a lot of people just, in various ways.

• 1:31:45Lewis Howes?

  Don't stop being your best self.

• 1:31:47Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 1:31:47Lewis Howes?

  Just because it didn't work on one person.

• 1:31:49Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly.

• 1:31:49Lewis Howes?

  That was just not the right person.

• 1:31:50Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly.

• 1:31:51Lewis Howes?

  Keep being your best version of you. Keep healing, keep growing. Uh, keep stepping into your masculine or your feminine energy. And you'll be attracting everyone. You've just gotta learn how to choose better people.

• 1:32:03Stephan Speaks?

  Absolutely.

• 1:32:04Lewis Howes?

  Because you're gonna attract everyone, probably, lots of different types of people.

• 1:32:07Stephan Speaks?

  Absolutely. You definitely will. I mean, again, that's the thing, like, people who are, who have found, who have healed and gotten to that healthy place, who are taking better care of themselves overall, who are walking in that confidence, they're seeing more opportunities from a variety of people. Like, and and even if they haven't found their love of their life yet, they can at least say, I'm meeting more people.

• 1:32:31Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:32:32Stephan Speaks?

  I'm seeing more chances to, for relationships to go further. I'm, I'm meeting more people who want to be serious about me.

• 1:32:39Lewis Howes?

  Uh huh.

• 1:32:39Stephan Speaks?

  Like, that has all improved because they did the work within themselves.

• 1:32:42Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. I'm gonna ask you a personal question.

• 1:32:44Stephan Speaks?

  Go ahead.

• 1:32:48Lewis Howes?

  What's it, uh, you know, you've been single for a while, right?

• 1:32:51Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 1:32:52Lewis Howes?

  Years.

• 1:32:53Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 1:32:53Lewis Howes?

  You've been committed to yourself, developing yourself.

• 1:32:58Lewis Howes?

  What would it take for the right woman, the right match for you? For you to be like, okay, cool, I'm down to explore like dating this person and then getting committed eventually? What would it, what would it take for you to witness and experience? You've met a lot of women.

• 1:33:12Stephan Speaks?

  Yes, a lot of great women. So as far as a willingness to explore it, that's gonna start with, there has to be a strong attraction physically, I believe in that wholeheartedly. So that has to be there. Again, I, I talk about feminine and masculine energy all the time, so of course, I'm gonna be drawn to a much more feminine woman. That's what I like, that's what I appreciate, that's what I value.

• 1:33:36Stephan Speaks?

  Also, for me, this one is a little tricky because I value a healthy lifestyle overall. So eating healthier, working out, things of that nature. I'm not prepared to say that I would not give someone who's not doing those things a chance. I would be more hesitant, but I'll say if that's in place, that's a big green light for me. So if all those other things are there and I find out you're, you're into a healthy lifestyle as well, oh, yeah, we definitely can look more into this and see where we can go. And then from there, it's just more so alignment in personality. So it's like, okay, I'm a very introverted person.

• 1:34:19Stephan Speaks?

  So I need, I, I think it'd be best for someone who can have that balance to it. They don't have to be a super extrovert, but I think if they're too introverted and I'm too introverted, how will that really work in the long run? Again, I'm not saying I'm completely against it, I'm skeptical though, if I'm being honest. I think the, the way that we wanna live life, I'm not the most, I'm a mixture of... I can be frugal in some ways, but maybe probably not. No, I I I'll spend money, that's the thing. When I like something, I believe in quality, I like certain luxuries, I'm gonna spend it. What I've seen in a lot of couples is this battle that happens when you have this individual who likes to live a more luxurious lifestyle. Right. And this person wants to live a simple lifestyle.

• 1:35:04Stephan Speaks?

  When those values don't align, it conflicts. Big time. And creates a lot of arguments and problems. And again, it starts with that small thing and manifests into all these other bigger issues. So to me, I would wanna make sure we're on the same page with the lifestyle that we wanna live. And then after that, it goes beyond them and it's just about spiritually. Are we in alignment spiritually? You know, I pray about everything, so I have to feel like God is telling me she's it. If not, I'm not moving forward, you know? And that's, that's the piece I think people don't understand as to why someone like me would be single as long as I am versus someone who has my same resume, so to speak, but they don't have that spiritual side. All right?

• 1:35:48Stephan Speaks?

  Because now they're operating strictly from a logical place. And if I was operating from a strictly logical place, oh, I could have married somebody a long time ago. Sure. But for me, that spiritual element is huge and I can't turn my back on that. So that's what I believe has prolonged the process. And, and you know, I have to trust God's timing. I don't know what the purpose is at the moment. Right. But maybe I I'm not as ready as I think I am. Hmm. You know, maybe certain things need to be established. Within you. You know, I honestly say not even within me, but within the purpose. Um, I think like, remember, I don't know if you remember, last time we did the, one of these episodes, you kinda called me out the fact that I had a letter I didn't write.

• 1:36:33Stephan Speaks?

  And I did it, just so you know, I did it. Okay. So I made sure I cleared everything. So I've done, and and of course, there's always room to grow. There's always more to learn. But I can confidently say I've done all the deep work. Hmm. Everything that I talk to people about, I've done every step of it. And I, it it, none of it weighs on me anymore, like I'm good. So to me, I think though, it's, things need to be established within the purpose. Cause what I will say is, I've, I've seen a lot of guys in my field that once they got married, they took the foot off the pedal. And they kind of fell off, to be honest with you. Now, I'm not saying I would completely fall off, but hey, it's real easy that once you find someone you love and you're happy with.

• 1:37:17Lewis Howes?

  You're more relaxed.

• 1:37:19Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah. You know, you're like, ah, maybe I need to do this interview today. Maybe I don't need to, you know, do this live right now. You know, let me just go chill with my girl. It's easy to fall into that pattern. So I think that maybe for me, there are some things that have to be created first, foundationally, and then that can be brought into my life.

• 1:37:41Lewis Howes?

  If, uh, if you guys enjoyed this so far, make sure to leave a comment about what resonated with you the most. That Stefan was talking about, which point that he talked about that really speaks to you. Maybe something you haven't done yet, something you did do that works well. I want to see in the comments, share this out as well. We'll have everything else linked up that we talked about in previous episodes. Cause some of these were massive hits. So make sure you guys go watch or listen to those as well in the description. Stefan, you've got an amazing, lots of amazing books for people. You've got an amazing YouTube channel, Instagram, social media. How can we be of support and service to you today?

• 1:38:16Stephan Speaks?

  Uh, just follow me at Stephan Speaks on all the social media. Uh, you can go to StefanSpeaksShop.com to get all the different books. I, I always want to highlight Love After Heartbreak, cause that's the one that lays out how to heal. And you notice that came up a lot today. And I do believe it's the foundation of success in every aspect of our life. So I definitely encourage people to go get that book. They can also go to LoveAfterHeartbreak.com. But yeah, just continue to watch the videos, watch this show, you know, and share it with all your friends and family.

• 1:38:46Lewis Howes?

  Share it out. I love to see what people think is the most, uh, controversial thing, or the thing that they really believe in, but it's hard for them to say publicly. So leave a comment below, let us know. Uh, Stefan, always a pleasure, my man. Appreciate you from here, man.

• 1:39:00Stephan Speaks?

  Thank you.

• 1:39:02Lewis Howes?

  I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you, if no one has told you lately, that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.

• 1:39:44Lewis Howes?

  And now it's time to go out there and do something great.