How To Raise Children In An Unjust World w/Dr. Traci Baxley EP 1179

Today’s guest is Dr. Traci Baxley! She’s a professor, consultant, parenting coach and speaker. As an educator for over 30 years with degrees in child development, elementary education, and curriculum and instruction, she specializes in diversity and inclusion, anti-bias curriculum, and social justice education. She’s written a new book called Social Justice Parenting. In a world that’s so divided, it’s become even more critical that we raise the next generation to create a more inclusive, just, and fair world. In this episode we discuss the most important principles all parents should know right now, how to raise children without over-parenting them, the important conversations you should have with your children, how to navigate raising children in a world filled with injustice, what adults should avoid saying to children, and so much more! For more go to: www.lewishowes.com/1179Check out her website: www.socialjusticeparenting.comThe Wim Hof Experience: Mindset Training, Power Breathing, and Brotherhood: https://link.chtbl.com/910-podA Scientific Guide to Living Longer, Feeling Happier & Eating Healthier with Dr. Rhonda Patrick: https://link.chtbl.com/967-podThe Science of Sleep for Ultimate Success with Shawn Stevenson: https://link.chtbl.com/896-pod Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  This is episode number 1179 with Dr. Tracy Baxley. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 0:27Lewis Howes?

  Welcome back, my friend. Today's guest is Dr. Tracy Baxley, and she is a professor, consultant, and parenting coach and speaker. And as an educator for more than 30 years, with degrees in child development, elementary education, and curriculum and instruction, she specializes in diversity and inclusion, anti-biased curriculum, and social justice education. And she's written a new book called Social Justice Parenting. In a world that's so divided, it's become even more critical that we raise the next generation to create a more inclusive, just, and fair world. So in this episode, we break down the most important principles all parents should know right now. How to raise children without over-parenting them. The important conversations you should have with your children, often. How to navigate

• 1:12Lewis Howes?

  raising children in a world filled with injustice. What adults should avoid saying to their children, and so much more. And if you're enjoying this at any moment, make sure to send this to a few people that you think would be inspired and empowered to help them improve their life as well. And if this is your first time here, click the subscribe button over on Apple Podcasts or Spotify and stay notified and up to date from the latest and greatest from the School of Greatness podcast. Each week, we've got some incredible content just like this. And I want to give a shout out to the fan of the week. This is from Joe, who left a review over on Apple Podcasts and said, "I love that every episode contains different information and resources to apply to my life. It's everything from sleep, to relationships, to mental health, to physical health. Love the content and love how well-rounded it is to help me become

• 1:56Lewis Howes?

  more well-rounded myself." So, big thank you to Joe. And if you want a chance to be shouted out on the podcast, make sure to leave a review over on Apple Podcasts right now, because every week, we're shouting out the fan of the week. Okay, in just a moment, the one and only Dr. Tracy Baxley.

• 2:14Lewis Howes?

  Do you think there's any parents out there today who had parents who were emotionally available, had tools about communication, self-regulating their emotions, not taking things personally? Do you think that's, any parents had that?

• 2:30Speaker 01

  I don't think anybody does that completely, right? As human beings, yep, yep. So, we have to learn how to do it more often, or when we're not doing it well, to be open about that. Like, I go to my kids, I was like, "You know what? I screwed up, right? I should not have said that, or I shouldn't have said it in that way, this is what I really meant. I was feeling hurt, or angry, or hungry, or whatever at that time, and what I said to you does not align with our core values of our house."

• 3:02Lewis Howes?

  So, taking accountability and responsibility is important for parents?

• 3:06Speaker 01

  So, kids will know, okay, this isn't right, right? This was a mistake, so that when they are making the same mistakes, they don't leave their house thinking that this is just a way of being, but that these are things that we are growing in, these are those that we're growing in.

• 3:20Lewis Howes?

  How do parents have the awareness to actually take accountability and not just say, "No, I'm never wrong, and my way is the highway, my way of the highway"? Is, I mean, how do parents learn that?

• 3:31Speaker 01

  I think just being open, right? You have to be open to relearning and unlearning. I think reading things like our books, right? Podcasts are really great. I think that people just have to be open to learn, be open to learning, right? No matter how small the steps are. And I think the other thing is reflecting on your own childhood of what it felt like for you, and say, "Okay, this made me feel this way when I was little, and I realize I'm doing the same thing, so then let me figure out how to unpack that one thing, so that my kids are not feeling what I felt when I was a kid."

• 4:12Lewis Howes?

  Right. I'm excited about this. I mean, there's, there's a lot of messy conversations happening in the world, obviously, more so in the last couple of years, about...

• 4:24Lewis Howes?

  How do they navigate conversations? How to navigate social justice, anti-racism, all these different things? What do you think a parent should be equipped with before, you know, their kids are able to like communicate with them? What do you think should be the baseline of their understanding on how to raise conscious compassionate kids?

• 4:45Speaker 01

  I think you, first of all, you have to recognize it is messy and you're gonna make mistakes, right? It's not a straight path. It's very windy and there's no one right way of getting there. So I think walking in with that idea that I'm gonna get it wrong, it's gonna be uncomfortable. Being comfortable with being uncomfortable is really important. And not really thinking that you have to make huge changes, right? If you are moving forward a little bit today, that's good for you. And that social justice doesn't mean that you are at every rally. I really believe that social justice and activism really starts in your own house. Like what are you saying to your children? What are you reading with your children?

• 5:29Speaker 01

  What kind of conversations are you having with your own children? How you're raising them? What are the core values in your house? That really is the start of really social justice work. Because my little saying is what you, what you do in the privacy of your own homes shows up in the, in the public spaces, right? It's like, what kind of kids are we raising? You know, do we wanna raise the kids who are kneeling on the necks of other people, right? Because if you talk to Derek's friends, they, they say he's a good guy. He was a nice guy, right? So do you want that to be your child? Because you're not having these hard conversations and you're thinking that they're learning, they're picking it up.

• 6:13Speaker 01

  They know better, they're good people. We're finding that that's not enough anymore, you know? There's a difference between raising good people and raising pro-justice kids.

• 6:23Lewis Howes?

  For sure.

• 6:25Speaker 01

  You know, the activists, the agitators, the ones who are proactive and standing in the gap for other people.

• 6:32Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely. I like that you said it's messy and you're probably not gonna get it right a lot of the times as a parent. Even if you think you've been educated, you're still gonna say the wrong thing to your kids. It's gonna be messy in some ways.

• 6:45Lewis Howes?

  In terms of, of the messiness with social justice or raising them to be as conscious as possible.

• 6:53Lewis Howes?

  There's still gonna be people that are believing in another way, that are gonna think that your way is the wrong way. And they're gonna be very aggressive in their stance with their beliefs against you. So how do people deal with the cancel culture that's happening? Even when you feel like what I'm doing is right? Why I feel like what I'm doing is just, or I feel like I'm having good intentions? And it being messy, but then being judged by your friends, your family, your community? If you're standing up for something, how do people navigate that? When they also just wanna fit in and be liked and, you know, survive and just not be made shamed for their, you know?

• 7:31Speaker 01

  Trivial balance, right?

• 7:32Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, how do you deal with that?

• 7:33Speaker 01

  I think if you are really active in like the anti-racist work, you are going to lose people.

• 7:40Lewis Howes?

  Ah, yes.

• 7:41Speaker 01

  You are, you are. There's no way around that.

• 7:46Speaker 01

  So it depends on how important the work is to you. And your belonging may have to be with a different group of people.

• 7:52Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 7:53Speaker 01

  Right? As you start to change and grow, sometimes the people who we used to hang out with or the people that we used to be in our inner circles, they may fall off. And you have to be aware and prepared for that. And I think people don't wanna see performative

• 8:15Speaker 01

  anti-racist or activist work, right? They don't wanna see people just putting stuff on their social media and then never addressing it again. And so I think coming from it from a sincere way, saying that now I'm at the point where I know I need to do better, right? Now I'm at the learning stage. And I am learning and growing and listening. And even if I'm not saying much, it's because I'm listening. And I want to take in and get more knowledge

• 8:48Speaker 01

  and stand in the gap using my platform, my power, my whatever, in ways that other people's voices are being heard.

• 8:56Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 8:57Speaker 01

  So I think oftentimes, people are being canceled because

• 9:03Speaker 01

  They are, um, instead of staying, standing for the work, they're really standing for themselves in the middle of the work, right? And so I think less talking, more listening, um, more allowing those who are being marginalized to be in the front, um, while, while you're in the back, um, um, helping and supporting and empowering

• 9:26Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 9:27Speaker 01

  in ways that, um, that you're following and not leading.

• 9:31Lewis Howes?

  Right, yeah. You've been doing this work for what, thirty years now, is that right?

• 9:34Speaker 01

  Thirty years, yes.

• 9:36Lewis Howes?

  Thirty years.

• 9:36Speaker 01

  It's evolved.

• 9:37Lewis Howes?

  Yes, on, on childhood development and education and parenting.

• 9:41Speaker 01

  Exactly, yes.

• 9:42Lewis Howes?

  Um, and you've been married for twenty-five years, or you've been in a relationship for twenty-five years, right?

• 9:47Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 9:48Lewis Howes?

  And what has that been like, being with a white man in this society for the last twenty-five years? What was it like in the beginning and how has it shifted? And what do you see for the future? For people that are in those relationships?

• 10:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, I, I, um, we have definitely evolved. I mean, the, the great thing about our, our relationship, which is why we gravitated toward each other's, right? Our basic foundation and values are the same.

• 10:14Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 10:15Speaker 01

  Our political views, the same. Our social, um, leanings, the same. So the, that's our, that's our core. Now, the way we show up in that is different, right? Like, we, we, I, I, there's a, a episode in the book that I talk about, um, just in the last, this happened during the, the election, uh, last election, or the election before last. Um, we were talking about an issue, I don't remember what the issue was, but as an educator, right? I see things a certain way, and as an attorney, he sees things a different way, even though we're on the same page with the outcome, but the process is very different. And whatever the topic was, we got into this, it became race-based.

• 10:59Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 11:00Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm, and he said something to me.

• 11:04Speaker 01

  About brainwashing my kids to only see race. And that made me crazy because I'm like, um. As a black woman in this country, you don't, you don't get to tell me how to raise my black kids. Right? Because we raise our kids to be black in the world. And in our house, they're whoever they want to be.

• 11:26Lewis Howes?

  Right, because they look black.

• 11:27Speaker 01

  Right, right.

• 11:28Lewis Howes?

  So you can't raise them white.

• 11:29Speaker 01

  Right, exactly. If you look half-black.

• 11:33Lewis Howes?

  You're black and American.

• 11:34Speaker 01

  Yes, exactly. And so, um, you know, we really had to unpack his statement in a way and for me to tell him why it offended me. And then his point was that we have to teach them to see all perspectives. Which I get because that's what I teach.

• 11:55Speaker 01

  But it came off very kind of one-sided to me. And so we had to unpack it a lot because I said, uh, uh, when it comes to race with our family, uh, you got to take the backseat, right? This is my call. And, um, you know, ultimately, we got to where, yes, you're right. And then, yes, you're right. We do have to see multiple, multiple perspectives. So, but we've learned to communicate things like that. You know, like if he says something that I feel is offensive and he doesn't realize it, I have to call him on it.

• 12:28Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 12:29Speaker 01

  And even when he doesn't understand why, we will have to talk through it. Again, you know, because he's an attorney, he likes to.

• 12:37Lewis Howes?

  Analyze and process.

• 12:40Speaker 01

  Um, so we, it's, it was a work in process. It always is, right? Like in a relationship. But generally, I would say he's, he's supportive. He understands what it means for me as a black woman. Our causes are the same. Our, um, love for our kids to live in a better world. Where, um, skin color is just a fact and not something that's, um, could be a weapon, you know? I mean, I have five, four black boys and, um, I, I worry about them. And I want to make sure that the world is safe.

• 13:16Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 13:16Speaker 01

  And part of this work that I'm doing is really about.

• 13:21Speaker 01

  Not just me protecting, and this is kinda how the social justice parenting thing really kinda got going because I realized it's not enough for me to teach my kids how to be safe and for me to protect my own kids, but I need people like you to see my kids, right? I need other parents, white parents, to say, "That's my kid too." And I think we need to get our country in a place that we see the humanness in everybody. So that it's my job to look after your children, your job to look after mine, like a big village. And I think that's kinda where, all of the ways I was trying to raise my kids to do that, I realized it wasn't enough.

• 13:58Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 13:59Speaker 01

  And then that's where it kinda became a bigger platform.

• 14:03Lewis Howes?

  Do you think it's harder to be, um, you know, a white married couple, a black married couple, or interracial married couple in America today?

• 14:14Speaker 01

  I think it's less about the race and more about the ideology and the core values, right? So I think if you and your spouse, your partner, are on the same page with the hard things.

• 14:31Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm. What are the main things for the values they should be on the same page with?

• 14:35Speaker 01

  I think the way that you show up in the world, like, for example, in my house, giving back, acknowledging our privilege in ways that we can use privilege for a tool for change and not as a weapon, is really important, right? Knowing that, uh, we are responsible for other people, right? That's really important in my house, and if my husband didn't believe in that, it would be very difficult to be married to him, honestly.

• 15:05Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 15:06Speaker 01

  So I think your core value, and when I work with families, the first, first lesson we do together is, "Do you have core values in your house?

• 15:15Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 15:16Speaker 01

  What do they look like? Have they been written down? Um, are there, are they in a place that everybody in the family knows what they are and they know where to find them, right? If you have older kids, they need to be a part of that too. So that when you are parenting in the world, your kids are out in the world, you're out at work, you can ask yourself, Does this align with my core value? And if it does, I'm gonna keep going. If it doesn't, then I need to use those core values to realign me like a GPS, right? And get me back on track.

• 15:48Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 15:48Speaker 01

  So I think.

• 15:49Lewis Howes?

  What if you're been married, you haven't done that exercise? And you realize, okay, we're gonna do this, and we have different core values.

• 15:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, then that takes some work, right? That may need some outside help, right? I'm a big proponent of therapy.

• 16:02Lewis Howes?

  Yes, yes, me too.

• 16:03Speaker 01

  And sometimes you may need somebody outside to really help you to kind of navigate that space.

• 16:10Lewis Howes?

  And what if your kids are resistant to your va- the core values of the family?

• 16:14Speaker 01

  And they may be at first.

• 16:15Lewis Howes?

  Like, no, I don't wanna do this.

• 16:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, I'm not doing this, I'm not doing this. Yes, yes, and they will be, some of them, especially if they're older. Um, I've had, we have family meetings, um, and we have, um, it's, it's like safe space where kids can say and do what they feel, even though it's hard. Um, but they don't get reprimanded at that, in that space.

• 16:38Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 16:39Speaker 01

  Right.

• 16:39Lewis Howes?

  How often do you do the family meetings?

• 16:40Speaker 01

  We used to do it once a week, um, on Sundays after dinner. Um, and now we're down to like once a month.

• 16:46Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, cause if your kids are off to college.

• 16:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, two are gone, yes, yes.

• 16:50Lewis Howes?

  And so what does that look like? Is it a thirty minutes, is it an hour? How does that structure?

• 16:54Speaker 01

  So, it could be thirty minutes, it could be an hour depending on the topic, right? So, we, we used to, we don't do this as often, but we used to have like a jar where you write concerns, put them in, and we would take like one out a night, you know, on, on our, um, meeting, to say, okay, why is this a concern, what's going on? Sometimes I would put just simple, easy things, so it didn't always feel heavy, right?

• 17:16Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 17:16Speaker 01

  Um, but it's where my kids can, it's so important to create safe spaces in your home, right? So it's where they can say things, tell me things that I know I have to shut up about, you know?

• 17:29Lewis Howes?

  You can't send them to the room and ground them for their opinion.

• 17:32Speaker 01

  Yes, and then my older kids now, when they wanna talk to me, I say, okay, am I listening as a friend, or am I looking, listening as a mom? Because that's very different for me. Um, and if they say, I just need you to listen as a friend, I know there's certain things that my mama bear would wanna say, that I have to kind of restrain myself from saying. So I think, um, Sometimes those kids don't wanna be doing that, but you just keep doing it and eventually they will. And even if they don't act like they they like it, in the back of their heads, they come back to it, right? It creates a foundation for them when they're off in their life. I know my daughter now says, "Boy, when you used to say X, Y, Z", I get it now. I didn't get it then, but I get it now. So it comes back.

• 18:15Lewis Howes?

  It's good to have those consistent uncomfortable meetings or conversations with the family because then you're not just sweeping things under the rug all the time. You're not just trying to hide things. You actually feel like you can kind of communicate how you feel in a safe space.

• 18:29Speaker 01

  Right.

• 18:30Lewis Howes?

  It's always hiding it.

• 18:31Speaker 01

  That's exactly right.

• 18:31Lewis Howes?

  What um?

• 18:32Speaker 01

  It also gives them um chance to practice when they're out in the real world.

• 18:37Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely, yeah.

• 18:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:38Lewis Howes?

  When there's an uncomfortable conversation and when they're an adult, they can actually work through it.

• 18:41Speaker 01

  Yes, because they have practice.

• 18:43Lewis Howes?

  What um? What was the hardest meeting? Family meeting you went through? And where you were like, "Man, this is just wrong. All my kids are wrong or bad or crazy thinking. They need to all be, you know, sent to somewhere else, you know, private school, boarding school, sent to a room for a month." Was there something like that that ever happened?

• 19:02Speaker 01

  I think when we talk about race, it's sometimes can get heated.

• 19:08Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 19:08Speaker 01

  Because.

• 19:08Lewis Howes?

  From the kids, from your father, from your husband or from you?

• 19:12Speaker 01

  I think from all of us.

• 19:14Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 19:14Speaker 01

  And I think because

• 19:18Speaker 01

  I am

• 19:21Speaker 01

  I am a I I feel like as a black mother, I have to teach my kids how to navigate in their black skin. Like, it's a must for me. I have failed my kids if I haven't done that. Where my kids, they're so different in how they self-identify. Like, my oldest son, who's actually has the darkest skin of all of my kids. He's very much like, "Mom, I am biracial. I'm not black. I'm not white." And so he's the one that's 6'2", that he has a black male presence. And I say, you know, "Your presence alone, nobody cares that you're at Harvard. Nobody cares that you play piano. Nobody cares that you're soft-spoken. They're gonna see you're in 6'2" black male frame

• 20:06Speaker 01

  and they're gonna make judgments about who you are. And you have to be prepared for that." And so some of those conversations with teaching my kids how they needed to show up, even when they felt differently about who they are and how they identify. Um, and that's when my husband's like, don't try to brainwash them, like, let them discover who they are. And I'm like, it's not that easy, you know? You've lived in your white male skin all your life, and there's some things that you didn't have to think about. But there are things I think about every day as a black mother, like every day.

• 20:38Lewis Howes?

  You think about the most?

• 20:39Speaker 01

  I think about, like, I did a post a couple of months ago on my, when my son went off to Harvard, about the ten things that I had to talk to him about to make sure he knew. Um, the first thing was, always have your Harvard ID, not even your driver's license. People are gonna need to know that you belong in that space.

• 20:58Lewis Howes?

  Give them both.

• 20:58Speaker 01

  And you always write, you always have to be prepared. The other thing is, always have your phone charged. There never, there, there has to be, never a time that you can't call me or call somebody to get help. Um, you're gonna have to eventually explain to your roommates, your white roommates, why you have all these rules, right? You're gonna have that conversation. Um, never be the only person of color in a white space at Harvard. Because I don't want somebody else's sloppy, um, ways of showing up to become, um, part of your story. Uh, and so, those are the kinds of things that I am very, um,

• 21:40Speaker 01

  active in talking to my kids about, that sometimes, you know, my kids do the, you're, you know, it's different now, you know? Things have changed, mom, they're not the same. But when I see things like Breonna Taylor, Trayvon Martin, and I'm like, they're not that different.

• 21:57Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 21:58Speaker 01

  That's work to changing those things, but you have to also be prepared. So I always talk about, with my parents that I, I work with, less protecting and more preparing. So, we want to do those things with, with our kids, right? We wanna make sure they're safe, but we can't do that in a bubble, or we can't do it in isolation.

• 22:18Lewis Howes?

  What are your kids saying that, uh, about racism in, in schools? Are they saying it's very racist in the schools they're in, growing up, and, you know, elementary through high school and college, or, like you said, it's different now? Is it, is it different for them, or is it because they're mixed race that they're not experiencing the same harshness? What is this?

• 22:37Speaker 01

  I, each of my kids, they've had different journeys. Uh, my daughter has had a really tough journey of not being black enough, not being white enough. Yeah, yeah, she, she felt like she- Did belong in either worlds, right? So she really, I think that was led to some of her mental health challenges, right? The, the idea of where do I belong? And as a mother, how heartbreaking that is when my whole platform is about belonging, right? So that there had, there's been a time in my own daughter's life where she felt a lack of belonging. And so for me, that probably was the most challenging, uh, most heartbreaking part of, of time during my, my parenting.

• 23:18Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 23:18Speaker 01

  Uh, and so she's seen how, what that looks like. Um, she's felt that.

• 23:24Lewis Howes?

  She so, she felt it. She felt the, uh, lack of acceptance or judgment or whatever that might be.

• 23:30Speaker 01

  Absolutely, yes.

• 23:32Lewis Howes?

  Is this in middle school, high school, college?

• 23:34Speaker 01

  It started in middle, started in middle.

• 23:36Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 23:37Speaker 01

  Uh, which.

• 23:37Lewis Howes?

  So not as much in elementary school, huh?

• 23:39Speaker 01

  Not as much in elementary, yeah. Started in middle school, um, which is where all of it starts, right? A lot of times. And through, through high school, off and on. And I, I would say really the last maybe three years is where she's really kind of got grounded into, um, I am a black woman, right? And, uh, what this looks like for me. And it's okay if I'm not black enough for you. She's, she's starting to develop that.

• 24:04Lewis Howes?

  Oh, interesting. Okay.

• 24:05Speaker 01

  Agency.

• 24:06Lewis Howes?

  That's cool. How important is shaping the identity of your children? Your, as a parent versus allowing them to shape their own identity? And if they lack identity, does that hurt them in their childhood?

• 24:21Speaker 01

  That is a really great question because as, as parents, we want to guide them, right? We want to lead.

• 24:29Lewis Howes?

  This is who you are. This is what you're gonna do. I want you to do this. This is, yeah.

• 24:32Speaker 01

  And that's based on our own fears, our own experiences, our own anxiety, right? And so that takes work to be able to let that go. Like this is a small example, right? My husband and I played sports all through our lives, right? We just knew all of our kids would play sports like that. It's kind of the natural, you know, for, for many reasons, right? Health reasons, social reasons, um, you know, a lot of activities, negative activities are delayed when kids are busy in sports, right?

• 25:01Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 25:02Speaker 01

  So, um.

• 25:04Speaker 01

  Naturally, that we thought our kids would play sports, but we have one son who is not really into sports, like he's into science, nature, um you know, those kinds of things, and we were like pushing him into sports. And it wasn't until we had to like say, okay, this is us, this is not him. Um, to allow him to be who he was, and boy, he's this fantastic smart kid who knows everything about everything in nature, um, and he's so happy. And so I think we often think we know who our kids should be, um, and we don't allow them to tell us. Um, and I also think sometimes what we think are opportunities really are, um

• 25:48Speaker 01

  stressors for, for, for kids, right? Um, there's a book I read, um, is, is it the

• 25:57Speaker 01

  The Problem with Privilege or The Power of Priv- I can't think of the title. But basically, uh, the psychologist is basically saying the new at-risk kids are the kids who are upper-middle class, who have all the opportunities, all the tutors, all the extras. Because the parents are pushing this on them and the kids are having so much anxiety around that. And those are the kids that we need to be looking out for, um because they're hiding all that pain inside until it comes up negatively.

• 26:27Lewis Howes?

  That probably goes against what a lot of people would think, oh, you're so privileged, you've got all the support, this help, you've got this private school, whatever it is, like, you shouldn't have any problems.

• 26:36Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 26:36Lewis Howes?

  You should be grateful, you should be happy. Whereas other people aren't having that opportunity. But you're saying that they might have some pain, hidden pain, or shame, or something, or pressure.

• 26:48Speaker 01

  Or trying to measure up, right? My daughter said to me um, when she was going off to school, you know, when she was, uh, dealing with her depression, that

• 26:58Speaker 01

  What we saw were giving, giving opportunities to her. She felt it was just one more thing she had to be good at.

• 27:04Lewis Howes?

  Oh, she couldn't just relax and be a kid and be herself.

• 27:08Speaker 01

  And I play soccer, that's enough, but then I gotta be good at this. And you wanna do piano, you want me. And the disappointment that she thought she, we would have if she wasn't good at all these things. And so I think that is the balance we have to look at. The opportunities versus the overwhelmingness that our kids feel like.

• 27:25Lewis Howes?

  How do parents put their own lack of opportunities aside from their childhood? Well, I didn't have this, I wanna make sure you have it all. And I'm gonna force it down you and you gotta do this because I didn't have this. How do parents learn, learn to let go of that? I'm not a parent, so I don't know what that feels like yet, but I wanna make sure that I'm preparing myself to not make that mistake.

• 27:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think one thing we don't do enough of is just listening to our kids. Like, we're always telling them, we're always talking. Sometimes we just need to sit and listen in quiet spaces. Finding time where your kid can lead is really important.

• 28:02Lewis Howes?

  Where your kid can lead?

• 28:03Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 28:04Lewis Howes?

  How do parents learn to let their kids lead?

• 28:06Speaker 01

  That is not easy, yes, yeah.

• 28:08Lewis Howes?

  What does that look like?

• 28:10Speaker 01

  I think sometimes it's going out, like on a date with one kid, right? They plan the date. We used to, we don't do it anymore because we just, our lives are so busy. But I try to have a date with one kid, you know, once a month. Where they plan the date, they decide what they wanna go on and do, not something that I plan. Because in that, you get to know what's important to them, you know? And that's a time that you can talk to them about what's important, how they're feeling. It's like a check-in. And I think we don't check in with our kids enough. And I, and I'm guilty of this too, you know, we're so over-scheduled, we're so busy. That sometimes you just have to take a breath and just check in. How are you feeling? What's going on? What I do, I have all of my kids on a, a group text.

• 28:55Speaker 01

  And every now and then, I would just say, I'm checking in, you know? Gimme, gimme a emoji of what's going on, how you feeling?

• 29:01Lewis Howes?

  Emoji, just an emoji, yeah, keep it simple.

• 29:03Speaker 01

  Right, so then I can see, okay, I need to be talking with this one a little bit more because they feel like they just sad face or thumbs down or whatever. So it helps me connect with them more and saying, okay, this one needs me a little bit more now. You know, and having five kids, I have to decide who needs me at that moment. But I think. Um, sometimes the parenting looks a little bit um hands off in terms of allowing them space. And not always directing and giving and doing. Um, but sometimes our kids, like my, my, my um son who doesn't do sports. He was very open, you know, I, I really don't wanna do that. I want to go on nature walks. I wanna go collect frogs. I wanna, you know. And I'm like.

• 29:49Speaker 01

  Anime, which I know nothing about when he talks to me as a different language, but I have to force myself to listen, you know, because it's important to him. So I think. Allowing our children to find out what's important for them and it may not be like, listen, when my daughter. And my second, third son gave up piano lessons, it was like. Devastating to me, like the sports was devastating for my husband when one of my kids gave that up. And I think we, he and I helped navigate each other around those hard things, but I think the more we can. Listen to our children, doesn't mean that they're always gonna tell you the right thing, right? So there's some things that they say and you have to say.

• 30:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, I, I hear you and thank you for telling me what you say, but as your mother. Right, I'm gonna have to make the call on this because of my experiences, because of what I see. Five years from now that you may not be able to see. And sometimes we do have to make that call. But I don't like saying because I said so. Which I got a lot, you know. I got as a parent, I mean, as a kid. My dad, because I said so, like, there's no talking about this, there's no talking through this.

• 31:02Lewis Howes?

  What happens to your kids when parents say that over and over again?

• 31:05Speaker 01

  I think it, it stops them from talking to you, right? It shuts down. They don't get to discover who they are. And they don't get to, to lean into the natural curiosity. They don't get a chance to explain what they're feeling, so their voices get lost. And if their voices are lost in the house, how in the world will they be able to use it out in the world? So I think allowing them have that space in the homes is the way that they practice of showing up.

• 31:33Lewis Howes?

  So if you don't have, are able, if you're not able to use your voice in the house, how are you able to use it in the world? Or maybe you lash out in the world because you weren't able to use it in the home, or maybe, you know, or maybe you shut down in the world. That's interesting. So how can parents create a safe environment for kids to speak up on their opinion? Or their feelings or their thoughts about something? And the parent maybe feel like, you know, I know they're just chaotic right now or confused, but this is really something they should be doing for a few more years. How do you do both? Keep them, you know, focused on their school and their homework or doing their sport or their lesson, whatever it might be, for another year or two? But also listen to their, their needs or wants in that moment?

• 32:18Speaker 01

  And that could be the compromise. Listen, I really think this is important for you.

• 32:24Speaker 01

  Why don't we, if, if we can agree that you'll do it for six more months?

• 32:27Lewis Howes?

  And you go all in?

• 32:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:29Lewis Howes?

  You have a smile on your face?

• 32:30Speaker 01

  Right, yes. You show up for six months. And after that, let's revisit this conversation. And let's see if we, we, there's some adjustments that, adjustments that need to be made.

• 32:41Lewis Howes?

  That's good.

• 32:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:42Lewis Howes?

  Did you do that with the piano situation?

• 32:44Speaker 01

  I tried to, but he didn't want it.

• 32:46Lewis Howes?

  He was just like, I'm out.

• 32:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, so I'm like, okay, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna force it, yeah. So I just said, no, tell me the reasons. This could really be good for you later on in life, you know? And then I have the one kid now who's, who stopped. And he is in middle school and he got keyboarding, you know, piano for one of his electors. And now he's kinda like, he's like, I kinda like it now.

• 33:06Lewis Howes?

  You know, it's interesting, it's so funny because I wish my parents would have kept me in piano. You know, later in life, if you look back and like, they sent me to piano lessons, I think I did three, and I was like, just complaining the whole time. And I was like, no, I just wanna play sports.

• 33:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:22Lewis Howes?

  But I'm like, man, I really appreciate music now. I wish I could have that skill. I wish they would have kept me in it.

• 33:29Speaker 01

  Yes, yes.

• 33:30Lewis Howes?

  But at the time, I was glad they got me out of it.

• 33:32Speaker 01

  Right.

• 33:32Lewis Howes?

  So it's like, how do we, you know, it's like, we won't want something now, but then we regret it later. I have friends who are, their parents speak Spanish, but they don't speak Spanish. And I'm like, what? For me, I'm like, I would do anything to speak another language, right? And your parents chose for the reason they moved here, they wanted you to speak English, like, I get it. But it's like, aren't there certain things that we as, as humans should want our children to learn? I don't know, it's just like a messy situation.

• 34:04Speaker 01

  And I think too, especially with the language thing, I think, um... Society has a big part in that, right? Because when immigrants came over,

• 34:15Speaker 01

  the rule was to assimilate.

• 34:16Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 34:17Speaker 01

  And in that, it means stripping your language, stripping your culture, right? And it's, so you have generations of people who lost touch with their homeland, right? And their culture. And, which is so sad.

• 34:31Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 34:31Speaker 01

  Because now, these, our generation, well, you're not my generation, but your generation, the adults are now saying, I, I lost all of that. Um, and I wish I could have had that back.

• 34:43Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 34:43Speaker 01

  So I think.

• 34:44Lewis Howes?

  It's like, it's, how do you navigate that? The balance of like, man, wishing your parents would have forced you to do certain things. You know, you're like, ah, why did you teach me this?

• 34:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:54Lewis Howes?

  I feel like as a parent, there's no matter what you do, you're wrong in some way.

• 34:59Speaker 01

  I think we're always evolving as humans, right? And the thing that we, we did the best that we could when we, when it was that time, right? And so, I think, um, like, I say to my daughter, you know, when we have these conversations about her always, and I'm like, you know what, I did the best that I could at that moment. Looking at it from your perspective now, I totally understand that. And I'm sorry I didn't see that then.

• 35:24Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 35:25Speaker 01

  But unfortunately for you, but fortunately for your brothers, I can correct that now, right?

• 35:30Lewis Howes?

  That's tough.

• 35:31Speaker 01

  So, being the oldest is just difficult, yes, yeah. But I think as, as we evolve as human beings, our parenting skills evolve too. And, um, I think often we're just doing the best we can at the moment that we can do it.

• 35:45Lewis Howes?

  How do, how do kids learn to forgive their parents? For not giving, when they're eighteen, twenty-five, thirty-five, fifty? And say, ah, my parents didn't do this for me? And not hold on to that frustration? Or anger, or resentment? Or, you said, because I said so all the time, I just needed you to listen to me. You told me to do this, but I didn't want to do it. You didn't teach me Spanish, whatever it is.

• 36:12Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 36:12Lewis Howes?

  How do we learn to forgive our parents as humans?

• 36:16Speaker 01

  I, I was, that, you, you answered the question, right? Knowing that they're humans, right? And that we don't always show up the best way. Um, and that at the time that they were doing that, it was the best decision that they knew at that point.

• 36:30Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 36:31Speaker 01

  Um, and.

• 36:33Speaker 01

  We can't hold on and let it impact the way that we show up for ourselves and for our own children. When, when that's all our parents could give us at the time, right?

• 36:42Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 36:42Speaker 01

  And we have to be okay with that, even though it's painful. You know, sometimes traumatic for, for adults, for kids.

• 36:52Speaker 01

  But that's all that they had at that point. Um, and I think what I think is really important, um, and it goes back to this. Being present, being intentional, being conscious, being self-reflective. We have to then look at our own childhood and say, "These things were really great that my parents did, and I want to make sure my kids get that same thing."

• 37:15Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 37:15Speaker 01

  These are the things that didn't go well in my childhood, the things that I felt hurtful about. And I'm going to be darn sure that that's not going to show up in the way that I parent. And so I think making hard choices for yourself and being reflective, um, to show up differently.

• 37:32Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, that's powerful.

• 37:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:34Lewis Howes?

  And how do we raise healthy, conscious, ha- uh, happy, thriving humans without over-parenting?

• 37:43Speaker 01

  I think modeling what that looks like as an adult is really important. Um, I think allowing them space for mistakes and grace for mistakes, um, is important. Um, I also think one of the most important things that we can do for our kids is to listen. And not always feel like because we have more years, because, because we have maybe more knowledge, that it's always right. Um, and I think we don't give children enough, um, credit for what they know and how they see the world. I mean, they really have natural curiosities that they really should explore.

• 38:22Speaker 01

  When we shut those things down, you know, we shut off opportunities, experiences, um, and ways of showing up for others. And so I think being very active and listening, um, to our kids who are very different, right? So you need more, if you have more than one kid, there's different ways that you have to show up.

• 38:39Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 38:39Speaker 01

  And being willing to do that.

• 38:42Lewis Howes?

  What would you say are then like the, the five core rules of parenting today in our society? If you're like, here are the five principles you, you should, you should learn as a parent right now.

• 38:54Speaker 01

  I would say self-reflection.

• 38:56Lewis Howes?

  Self-reflection.

• 38:57Speaker 01

  Is number one.

• 38:58Lewis Howes?

  What does that look like?

• 38:59Speaker 01

  It means to think about how you're showing up. Think about your fears, right, your own anxieties, how they're showing up in your parenting. How I can do things differently. Where do I start? What's the one thing that I can do today? How do I begin to separate my own childhood from my parenting? So I think, and it's a constant, right? The way I showed up yesterday for my kids is not the way I want to show up tomorrow, right? So what do I need to tweak? What do I need to do? I know when I was writing the book, when my kids, my kids were home, right? Everybody was home during the pandemic. And they would come to me asking questions and I would be in the middle of a thought and I would.

• 39:44Lewis Howes?

  Be focused.

• 39:45Speaker 01

  Stop it, stop it. And so with that, I'm like, okay, this is not the way I want to show up for my kids every day. And so we devise a system, right? I'm going to put a whiteboard here. You write your question down and the minute I take a break, I'm coming to you with that question so we can answer it. So you don't forget, so you don't think you're not, what you're saying is not important. So finding ways to reflect on the way you show up.

• 40:07Lewis Howes?

  Creating boundaries for yourself also.

• 40:08Speaker 01

  Yes, absolutely.

• 40:09Lewis Howes?

  Just not being available for your kids 24/7 to interrupt you whenever you're doing something important for you.

• 40:15Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 40:15Lewis Howes?

  But also setting ground rules and boundaries is what it sounds like.

• 40:18Speaker 01

  And kids need that and they want it and they thrive in it.

• 40:21Lewis Howes?

  Structure.

• 40:22Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 40:22Lewis Howes?

  Man, okay, so self-reflection.

• 40:24Speaker 01

  Okay, self-reflection. The other thing I would say is modeling the, modeling what you want your kids to do and who you want them to be.

• 40:34Lewis Howes?

  By you being it.

• 40:34Speaker 01

  By you being it, yes, right? We can say all kinds of things, but it's in one ear, out the other if you're doing something different. So our actions, you know, how you show up, how are you showing compassion? How are you showing kindness? How are you problem solving? You know, how are you leaning into your own curiosities, you know, and what that looks like for your kids?

• 40:54Lewis Howes?

  Right. So being a leader.

• 40:56Speaker 01

  Yes, yes, exactly, yes. And admitting when things are not going well, letting your kids see you do that too. So the third thing I would say is showing compassion and kindness to yourself, right? That's the hardest thing for me.

• 41:13Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 41:13Speaker 01

  I have a hard time. I have a lot of negative self-talk when things don't go well for myself and I have to. I call it the mean girl inside, right? I have to shut her down. And sometimes, especially with my daughter, I want my, I wanted my daughter to hear how I shut that mean voice down.

• 41:31Lewis Howes?

  How do you, what are the, what are the things your mean girl says and how do you shut her down?

• 41:35Speaker 01

  Um, you're stupid, that's not good enough. You're a terrible mom if I make a mistake, right? Uh, or you shouldn't wear that, nobody wants to see you in that if you're on stage. You know, different things like that I have to, um, you know, you weren't kind to your kids, what kind of mom are you? A lot of that, or if I, I'm, I'm an empath, so I like take on all the work that I do. So when I need to take a break, she will say, um, how do you get to take a break when people are hurting?

• 42:01Lewis Howes?

  Oh, man.

• 42:03Speaker 01

  So, yeah, so I.

• 42:04Lewis Howes?

  That's a mean girl inside of you, man.

• 42:08Speaker 01

  So I have to talk that out loud. So if my kids are having that mean thing going on too, they get to hear how I do that in my head, but out loud, so that they can start doing it.

• 42:18Lewis Howes?

  What do you say to?

• 42:19Speaker 01

  So I'll say, okay, self, I hear you saying that I'm not a good mom, right? I know that's not true, right? I didn't make a good choice, but I know I'm a good mom. So I am going to do something or say something that's going to remind you self that that's just one, one, one time, one mistake.

• 42:39Lewis Howes?

  One moment, it doesn't define you.

• 42:40Speaker 01

  Exactly, yes. And so having those conversations out loud or having my kids hear me think through a problem, um, is really important. And then also allowing them to problem solve because it's faster, it's easier. You love your kids, you want to do these things for them. But I do, I, I try to show up in a way that I'm not doing it for them. Like allowing them to suffer through and work through, like you, we were talking about early, the messy stuff, in order for them to learn how to do it when there's bigger, higher stakes.

• 43:13Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 43:13Speaker 01

  Involved.

• 43:14Lewis Howes?

  That's cool, okay.

• 43:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:16Lewis Howes?

  So show compassion to self and others and then number four?

• 43:19Speaker 01

  Number four would be, be open to getting help.

• 43:23Lewis Howes?

  Oh, yes.

• 43:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, so we can't do it all by ourselves. We're not experts in everything. Surround yourself around a village of people who can help advocate for you and can help you fill in the gaps where you need it.

• 43:37Speaker 01

  It's very hard, I think, as parents because we don't like to say we can't, we don't know as a parent. That's, that's hard. But I think surrounding yourself around people who can support you is really important. And again, it teaches your kids to do the same, that you need, we, we need each other, right? We need to ask for help. There's some things we need to do on our own, but there's some things that we need help with. And it's okay to find the right people and to get the help you need.

• 44:05Lewis Howes?

  And I think we pressure ourselves too much or others to be experts at everything in life or to know everything in life when we don't have the time or the energy to be experts at everything. And one of the things that I feel fortunate to have created for myself is I wanted to learn all these things for myself, so I interview people. I have people like yourself on my show. But I don't have the time to make this my life. Every topic that I interview someone on. I don't have the time to dive into neuroscience and the time to dive into nutrition and dive into money and investing and, you know, I don't have the time to do everything. Make it my life's mission. So I try to learn what I can and be like, okay, I'm educating enough

• 44:48Lewis Howes?

  and then have access to people that I could call upon if I need some support.

• 44:52Speaker 01

  I love that. That's a great example.

• 44:54Lewis Howes?

  Coaching, support, help me in my money, help me in my relationships, my nutrition, my fitness, my spirituality. I call upon people for support.

• 45:04Speaker 01

  I love that.

• 45:05Lewis Howes?

  I don't try to be the, the king of every topic, you know?

• 45:08Speaker 01

  Right.

• 45:08Lewis Howes?

  And I think that's, um, it makes me feel at peace knowing that I have a, a community of support that I can call upon when I'm struggling.

• 45:17Speaker 01

  I love that. I love that.

• 45:19Lewis Howes?

  As opposed to like, I need to know it all or I'm not gonna call on someone because it's gonna make me look weak.

• 45:23Speaker 01

  Yes, yes. And that is that fear coming in, right? Of worrying about what other people think about you. I love that you. That you put that in the sense of your podcast, but really that's life too, right? Yes, yeah, we need a good team, we need a good village.

• 45:41Lewis Howes?

  You played, what sports did you play?

• 45:43Speaker 01

  I played softball, soccer, and ranch rap.

• 45:46Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, and for me, I make this analogy as well. I did track and football and basketball. For me, um, I, after sports was done for me, I played arena football for about a year and a half after college. I played with the USA handball team for the last 10 years. But really, after I was done playing professionally and transitioned into business, I was like, why would I stop having a coach in my life? When this is what coaches helped me learn the most, gave me discipline and structure, gave me feedback in my sport for that three-month season. They made me better in that sport. Why wouldn't I get coaches in my life? So I have a coach for my relationship. I have a therapist coach for my emotions and my thoughts.

• 46:28Lewis Howes?

  I have a, a coach for my investing and my business. I have a coach, I have trainers for my fitness. I have a nutritionist because I want to optimize these things. I didn't, I didn't, I didn't have all that when I was broke, sleeping on my sister's couch, but I had mentors. I had family support. I had people in my community who were experts. And then as I was able to invest in coaches, I invested in coaches. But I think we should be seeking personal advisors in our life who are more experts at that thing than us.

• 46:58Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 46:59Lewis Howes?

  And there's someone you know who's, works out consistently, or someone who eats better, or someone that's got a good relationship that you could find that support with. That I think in your life.

• 47:07Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 47:08Lewis Howes?

  So I'm always, uh,

• 47:12Lewis Howes?

  I'm, I'm very passionate about coaches in my life and I'm always telling people, please find support. Find coaches, mentors, family, friends, whatever it is, you know, whether you're investing in it or not, find someone to help you.

• 47:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, and I think too, we're seeing, I mean, I was watching something on, um, I don't know if I heard it on NPR or something, but about, you know, the, the rise in mental health issues, you know, post pandemic, right? And, um, The importance of having somebody to have those conversations to talk about, right? It's so important.

• 47:47Lewis Howes?

  So important.

• 47:48Speaker 01

  Like you're saying, we know our limits. But if we could surround ourselves around people who can, who know us well enough to know, let me get this out of him, let me support him with that. And I love the analogy of coaches because that's basically what it is, right?

• 48:03Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 48:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:04Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely. I mean, you know, LeBron James, after he wins the first championship, doesn't say to himself, you know what? I got this basketball thing figured out. I don't need a coach for next season. Like, I'm gonna do this on my own because I'm the greatest. I'm gonna go do it on my own. Now, he's like, no, how can I surround myself with a better team? How can I find a coach to push me more?

• 48:25Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 48:26Lewis Howes?

  So I can stay great.

• 48:28Speaker 01

  And he's got meditation coaches.

• 48:30Lewis Howes?

  Everything. Everything, right? So it's like, why don't we have coaches in our life? I think sometimes we, we have been conditioned to think it's, if we can't figure it out on our own, then something's wrong with us.

• 48:43Speaker 01

  Yes, and I think that's part of our society, right? We, we create that monster in our, in our society about being stronger, not asking for help, being able to do things on your own, and we need to just kind of bust that myth.

• 48:57Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 48:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:58Lewis Howes?

  And I'm, I'm so glad that, that therapy is becoming more mainstream and is talked about more. Because, you know, I've, I've been going to therapy every two weeks for, for this whole year, and it's been so helpful for me. Just even, even if I don't have a problem, or I don't have any challenges in my mind or my emotions, it's just like, what can I keep improving on? How can I get feedback and be a better person? How can I make sure to set myself up for if something happens in the future and just be prepared? It's just powerful to be able to talk and have someone to listen to you. And I'm not saying everyone needs to do therapy, you know, but it's like, we should have a space where you talk to someone consistently, your friend, your partner, in a safe space, so.

• 49:39Speaker 01

  I love therapy.

• 49:40Lewis Howes?

  It's powerful.

• 49:43Speaker 01

  We don't have it enough in the black community, for sure.

• 49:45Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 49:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:45Lewis Howes?

  Is it accept, it's not acceptable, it's looked down upon?

• 49:48Speaker 01

  A few things. One, it's um, black generations, right? The medical field and black people have not been the best of friends, right? There's been a lot of science experiments tried on blacks, you know, sharecroppers and the Tuskegee um, syphilis test, those kinds of things. And a lot of older black people have that in their minds, that I'm not letting anybody in my mind, right? So that's one. The other thing is the religious factor. So, uh, black community and Jesus, right? That's a partnership that if you go to a therapy, it means I'm not having faith or trust in Jesus to fix it, right? So that's another kind of myth that, that we're struggling with. And the other thing is, is financial, right? That it's, therapy is expensive.

• 50:32Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 50:33Speaker 01

  Um, my therapy, my kid's therapy, it's not always covered in insurance, it's out of the pocket, right? And then the last thing, I think it is, um, a lot of therapists are not trained in culturally um, relevant or responsive therapy. And so, uh, there is a, uh, anxiety tax, right? That comes along with being black. And if you go to therapists who is not acknowledging that or not understanding that level of

• 51:01Lewis Howes?

  Cause they didn't experience that stress, yeah.

• 51:03Speaker 01

  Right, right, yeah. So those are kind of the big.

• 51:05Lewis Howes?

  You think, you think, um, the black community should, should only, uh, work with black therapists?

• 51:12Speaker 01

  I doubt. I, I, my therapist was not black. My daughter's therapist is not black. But you need somebody to know the black experience in terms of being open to recognize that there's an extra stress or something that comes along with being black. Or being open to learn that race is a big part of why we need therapy.

• 51:33Lewis Howes?

  Hmm, right.

• 51:34Speaker 01

  So, yeah, no, I don't think you have to be black, um, but I do know there's not enough. I think there's one percent or two percent of the psychologists, um, are black women. So it's

• 51:46Lewis Howes?

  One percent or two percent?

• 51:47Speaker 01

  One percent. I think it's two percent, I think it, the statistics were. So I think there needs to be more because a lot of people feel more comfortable with people like them. I mean, just like whether you would go to a woman or a man, like, you know, um, like. When I get a massage, I I like, um, I prefer a woman, you know, but it's just my preference. So some people do have preferences. Um, but um, I think there needs to be more educated therapists that are of color.

• 52:16Lewis Howes?

  Yes, yes. I I I'm hopeful that within the last couple of years with all the the challenges that the world has seen that people wouldn't want to go and serve in the mental health space and the emotional health space more now and see like this is an opportunity where I can serve people and be of value and go into that field. So I hope that I hope that happens for people.

• 52:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, because there's not enough. We have more patients than we have therapists right now.

• 52:39Lewis Howes?

  I know. Okay, that was the, I think you said the fourth thing, let's be open to getting help. What would you say is the fifth rule of conscious parenting and and being a great parent today?

• 52:46Speaker 01

  I would say to have fun with your kids, right? The the pandemic has shown us that we need to slow down, right? And I reconnect with your children for no reason at all, but just to reconnect. And I think we're so overscheduled that we don't get a chance to really know our children, to really have fun with them in ways that they find enjoyable, that I think we should just make sure we're taking time, spending just quality time. Without electronics.

• 53:17Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, just a couple hours a day where it's like we we're not scheduling anything. You're not going to a practice or class or homework. We're just being. If you want to play, play. You want to hang out in the backyard, hang out in the backyard. You want to do nothing?

• 53:27Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 53:28Lewis Howes?

  Cool. To be open to just think and do that.

• 53:31Speaker 01

  Exactly, yeah.

• 53:32Lewis Howes?

  Why do you think we overschedule so much as parents?

• 53:35Speaker 01

  I think we we think we know what's best for our kids, right? Again, we're we're trying to close the gaps between our own childhoods, right? We want to live our lives through them. I see that a lot and you know that in sports.

• 53:49Lewis Howes?

  Of course, yeah, yeah.

• 53:50Speaker 01

  These parents are crazy.

• 53:51Lewis Howes?

  Screaming at the refs.

• 53:52Speaker 01

  Oh, it's so bad.

• 53:54Lewis Howes?

  The eighteen year old ref is just like, I'm making ten bucks an hour, just showing up and screaming at by all these parents.

• 54:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah, and I think we are living through our kids too much in ways that it's causing harm. Yeah, and I think, you know, part of it is we're trying to find out what they're good at, but then some of it is just really um, the extra stress on on our children is way more enormous than we ever, ever thought.

• 54:23Lewis Howes?

  If a parent today was only able to teach three things to their children, hypothetical scenario, what would you say are the three most important things they could teach their kids?

• 54:35Speaker 01

  Kindness, compassion,

• 54:40Speaker 01

  and I would say what I call radical love. And that's like this all encompassing love that really thinks about others,

• 54:52Speaker 01

  sees perspectives, and that you're willing to do stuff for other people without anything in return.

• 55:01Lewis Howes?

  Is radical love include loving someone when they do wrong by you?

• 55:05Speaker 01

  When they're unlovable, right?

• 55:06Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 55:07Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 55:07Lewis Howes?

  When they hurt you, when they do wrong by you?

• 55:09Speaker 01

  Doesn't mean you have to be friends with them.

• 55:12Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 55:12Speaker 01

  But it's showing them human love, right? It's showing them that, you know, in spite of your lack, right? I can love you from afar, but I'm not gonna allow that to cloud the way that I can spread joy in the world, right?

• 55:26Lewis Howes?

  Interesting, yeah.

• 55:27Speaker 01

  And I think too, it's loving even when it's hard, right? Finding a way to love even when it's hard.

• 55:33Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 55:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:34Lewis Howes?

  What's been the thing for you as a parent that's been the hardest for you to forgive?

• 55:39Speaker 01

  I think for me, it's not, and we talked about this earlier, it makes me wanna cry, not seeing when my kids didn't feel like they belonged, right? Not recognizing that early.

• 55:50Lewis Howes?

  In the family or in life?

• 55:52Speaker 01

  In life, that they didn't find us, couldn't find a space, that there was something that I could have done differently and shown up differently to help them to navigate that.

• 56:03Speaker 01

  And I feel still hurt by that, you know, that I didn't get that right.

• 56:08Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 56:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 56:10Lewis Howes?

  What do you mean you didn't get it right, though?

• 56:12Speaker 01

  I just feel like, if this is my life's work, you're gonna make me cry, those. If this is my life's work, how did I not recognize that in my own home? Like, how did I not see, particularly my daughter, where she was struggling with all the opportunities, right, that we were giving her? Why didn't I see that it was too much? How did I miss that in my efforts to broaden her horizons? And I feel badly that I missed that for her.

• 56:48Lewis Howes?

  What is it that she needed and what is it that you needed in those moments?

• 56:53Speaker 01

  She needed me to tell her,

• 56:57Speaker 01

  this stuff is not who you are. This is extra, but it does not define you.

• 57:04Lewis Howes?

  You mean the activities, the sports, the music?

• 57:06Speaker 01

  The activities, the opportunities, the music, the soccer, the you have to do this, you have to take that class, you know? That is not why I love you and that does not define my love for you in any way. You could do nothing and my radical love would be my radical love, right? And I don't think I gave her that message enough for her to feel like she had to perform all these things at high level. So if I could go back, I would tell myself to plug in more with her. And to make sure she recognized that what she does and who she is is different or separated, yeah.

• 57:44Lewis Howes?

  What do you say to yourself now though about it? Since you can't, since you can't go back?

• 57:49Speaker 01

  Yes, I have forgiven myself for that, but it is always conscious in my mind of how I show up now. So it's taught me to check in with my kids more. It's taught me to say, okay, you're gonna finish this season because we started this season. After this season, if you decide when it's time to sign up next season and you're done with this, we're done with this, right? You know, you know, we finish what we start, but we can renegotiate. So I do more renegotiating with my children. You know, like you say, there's still structure. There's still things that I expect from my kids in terms of their, um, the way they show up in the home. But I am very much more mindful of

• 58:31Speaker 01

  letting my kids know that they're not defined by the things that, the opportunities that they get.

• 58:35Lewis Howes?

  It's interesting, I was, I interviewed Kobe Bryant and he said that his father said, "I'm gonna love you no matter what." Like, I don't care, because he said one summer he didn't score a single point in like this basketball tournament when he was like 12 or 13 or something. He didn't score one time in like a whole summer of playing basketball. And, uh, in this season or whatever. And he said that his dad told him, he's like, I'm gonna love you no matter what. Like, whether you're good or not at this, I just love you.

• 59:03Speaker 01

  And that stuck with him.

• 59:03Lewis Howes?

  It stuck with him and it made him be like, oh, it doesn't matter if I fail, so let me just go out and give it all I got. Because that has to love me no matter what.

• 59:10Speaker 01

  It took the stress off, some, at least, probably.

• 59:13Lewis Howes?

  But I think that parents today, I'm generalizing this, I'm not a parent, but I'm generalizing this, that parents, I feel like parents today put so much pressure on their kids to be great when they're seven at something, it's like.

• 59:24Speaker 01

  Yes. So I'm like, this is a six-year-old game.

• 59:27Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, exactly, yeah. So what does that do to children when you put so much pressure on them to be amazing? And focus on the mistakes as opposed to celebrating their way of being?

• 59:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think that's why we have a young generation having so many mental health challenges, right? I think depression, I think is definitely, ultimately, sometimes they start doing negative behaviors and we don't know why, right? You have all this stuff, why are you, why would you throw it all away, why are you, you know?

• 1:00:00Lewis Howes?

  Right. You're blowing an opportunity.

• 1:00:02Speaker 01

  Right, yes, yeah.

• 1:00:04Lewis Howes?

  Whose opportunity?

• 1:00:05Speaker 01

  Right, yeah.

• 1:00:05Lewis Howes?

  The one I didn't get as a parent.

• 1:00:08Speaker 01

  Yes, exactly, yeah.

• 1:00:10Lewis Howes?

  I'm curious about, I see a lot of content online about narcissists. Like, there's so many narcissists in the world and these narcissistic personality traits and things like that. How can parents raise kids to not be narcissists in today's society with social media and selfie culture? And swipe left on, you know, dating all the time, like, how can, and just getting attention in different ways than we used to get, I guess, attention or acknowledged growing up? How can parents raise kids to not become narcissists?

• 1:00:45Speaker 01

  I think, one, saying no to your kids is really important.

• 1:00:48Lewis Howes?

  Not give them everything?

• 1:00:49Speaker 01

  Not give them everything, right? You have to have those boundaries, you have to have structure where no is used in a way that you can explain your no, but that you stick with your no. I think the other thing is to take your kids out of your bubble, right? And let them experience the world. Kids need to see that other kids don't have a lot of things, right? They need to see that. The importance of being compassionate and kind. And that the things that we have are not promised, they're not guaranteed, and they're not normal. That's what I tell my kids, the way you live is not, this is not normal.

• 1:01:27Lewis Howes?

  Right, you going to Harvard is rare.

• 1:01:28Speaker 01

  That's not normal, yes, right, you know, yes, there's sacrifices that we're making. But some people don't even get these opportunities. And so I think it's really important that parents are showing kids that it's important to do for other people, early, early, like building that habit early, yes, yes. And there are little things you can do, like some of the things we did when my kids were younger. We would be in the drive-through at Starbucks, right? We would pay for the person behind us, or whatever drive-through line. When we're at the grocery store, we would give an extra twenty or thirty dollars until the cashier to put, put it in the next person's tab. Little things that we can do, that they don't have to be, one of my friends, her family builds these,

• 1:02:14Speaker 01

  you know, the little libraries that people have in their yards where you could take a book.

• 1:02:19Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, that's cool.

• 1:02:19Speaker 01

  They did it for like pantry, so that you could put non-perishables in there. And so my, my kids and I go and we put things in there, you know, because, and I explained to them, this is somebody's meal, this is just a can in our cupboard, but this is another family's meals today. And so I think allowing kids to know what it's like to serve others is really important.

• 1:02:43Lewis Howes?

  Not be served upon all the time.

• 1:02:45Speaker 01

  Yes, and, and this, a question for you too. What do you feel about this? I, I have a, I have a, I think a, a strong feeling about this, but as somebody who plays sports, right? What do you feel about the culture of everybody wins? Everybody gets a trophy, everybody gets an award?

• 1:03:05Lewis Howes?

  I don't like it, I mean, I didn't, I didn't get that growing up myself. I, we got like ribbons, I guess, for like different places, but I remember feeling sad when we lost because I didn't get what I wanted. We didn't win, we didn't get a trophy and things like that. And I think there's a whole nother topic around like how to deal with losing. Because I, I wasn't a good loser, I was a bad, I was a bad loser. Emotionally, because I tied my self-worth around winning. And if I didn't win, that means no one would love me. So that was a story I told myself. So I had to unlearn that in my late twenties, early thirties.

• 1:03:42Lewis Howes?

  But I think, I think acknowledging people for the effort and the attitude is always powerful. You didn't win, so you don't get the medal. But I want to acknowledge you for the attitude you showed. You showed effort. You hustled for that there. Great job on that. Here's what, if you want to win, this is what it's going to take.

• 1:04:00Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:04:00Lewis Howes?

  If you want to get that gold medal or that trophy, here's what we're going to need to do. You're going to need to learn these skills. You're going to have a better attitude like, and teach them the process of winning in competition.

• 1:04:10Speaker 01

  Yes. I, I love that.

• 1:04:12Lewis Howes?

  Personally.

• 1:04:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, I, I ditto on all of that.

• 1:04:14Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:04:14Speaker 01

  Because I think when we, when we're always winners, then kids always feel like, serve me, I'm always winning, right? I'm always the best, right? And then that kind of feeds into that, that, that notion of it's all about me. And I, I agree 100% that we're all, we're all not winners at this game. Like, we, we've lost. You did a great effort. This is what you did well. These are things you need to prove on. But that team was better, right?

• 1:04:40Lewis Howes?

  There's only one winner in the game.

• 1:04:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, so I think that message of we're all winners could be hurtful in some ways.

• 1:04:47Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I think it's, I think it's teaching that, you know, in sports, there's a, there's someone who wins the game and someone who doesn't win the game. But you can always become a better person in the effort and the attitude and the experience and the lesson. So the great coaches I had would sit us down after the, the, the loss and say, how did we win here? What, what was the lesson? Where did we grow here? You know, what can we acknowledge and appreciate about people's efforts and the play that they made? Man, we didn't win today, but this was a great effort. This was a great play. You scored here. You, you improved a problem last week. Let's continue to focus on the growth. And acknowledge the effort and the growth and the attitude as opposed to we lost.

• 1:05:30Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:05:31Lewis Howes?

  And the ones that were like, you know, you guys gave your all today. They were just the better team.

• 1:05:34Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:05:35Lewis Howes?

  You have nothing to be ashamed of. You did the best you could do. You left it all on the field. That's all you can, that's all you can ask for.

• 1:05:41Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:05:42Lewis Howes?

  Attitude, energy, and effort is really all you can ask for.

• 1:05:44Speaker 01

  That's right, right. And it doesn't always end up the way you want it to.

• 1:05:49Lewis Howes?

  Exactly, on the scoreboard.

• 1:05:50Speaker 01

  Right, exactly.

• 1:05:50Lewis Howes?

  But in your heart, hopefully, it shows up in the way you need it.

• 1:05:53Speaker 01

  Yes, that's what, after every game, I ask my kids, what did you do well? What was good? What did you do well? Yeah, and then after they do that, I say, okay, what can you do better for next time? Because it helps me, it helps me see how they, again, this goes back to me wanting to know that this sport isn't who they are, that they know that. So it helps me see that they can separate the game from who they are.

• 1:06:20Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:06:20Speaker 01

  Like if they say, I sucked.

• 1:06:21Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:06:22Speaker 01

  Like, okay, you don't suck. You did not play your best today. Let's talk about why. What you did. So that kind of helps me to see that. And then it also lets me see that they're not being so overly bragging when they shouldn't be. Like, I was awesome. I, we won because of me, you know, so I want to squash that too, right? So I want to see how they can self-regulate.

• 1:06:45Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, on both sides.

• 1:06:47Speaker 01

  On both sides.

• 1:06:47Lewis Howes?

  That's good.

• 1:06:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:06:50Lewis Howes?

  That's powerful. Man, is there a, how important is the language we use as parents when our kids are around us?

• 1:06:59Speaker 01

  I think extremely.

• 1:07:00Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. What are things that we should never say as parents?

• 1:07:06Speaker 01

  We should never tell our kids that they suck, right? I think the words that we say are powerful words. They're powerful, right? They are powerful in the way our kids think about who they are.

• 1:07:23Speaker 01

  My husband can be harsh with his words. He's very direct. And I have to say, okay, I know what you meant, but this is what it sounds like, right? And so, especially when it comes to sports.

• 1:07:35Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:07:35Speaker 01

  And so I have to go unpack it, right? This is what was said, but what, what I think you're trying to say to them is this, right? And our kids need to hear that from you and not that. You suck today, or those aren't his exact words, but basically that's what they feel.

• 1:07:51Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:52Speaker 01

  Um, and I so I always tell my kids, it's not what you say, it's how you say it.

• 1:07:56Lewis Howes?

  That's true, it's the energy around your words.

• 1:07:58Speaker 01

  Yes, yeah.

• 1:07:59Lewis Howes?

  If you could look angry and say, I love you, and people are gonna feel like, oh, you don't love me. You know, it's like the energy, the the context of your words.

• 1:08:07Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 1:08:08Lewis Howes?

  Uh, I'm curious about if there's kids listening or watching that uh, they feel like their parents are racist. How do children have conscious conversations with their parents? That maybe they said a racist remark, maybe they're even aware of what they're saying, but it feels racist. Or they feel like my parents are racist. How do they approach their parents? Without being made wrong, shut down.

• 1:08:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:08:37Lewis Howes?

  You know?

• 1:08:40Lewis Howes?

  In in having a conversation around that racist comment, or that whatever, the energy, the the experience that felt racist, how can they approach their parents? Without feeling afraid for their life?

• 1:08:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, I and I think it first of all, it goes back to whether you've created safe spaces for your kids at home, right?

• 1:09:00Lewis Howes?

  Let's say they haven't created a safe space.

• 1:09:02Speaker 01

  If they haven't created a safe space, it makes it a little bit more difficult, right? I think um, a lot of times, I know when my child was going through um, a hard time, he and I would journal write, right? So he didn't feel like he wanted to talk to me about it, but he'd write stuff in his journal and we'd pass the journal back and forth in our drawers so that um, I I would wake, open my top drawer and the journal would be in there. We'd write, we'd write that way.

• 1:09:25Lewis Howes?

  That's cool.

• 1:09:25Speaker 01

  Um, so maybe sometimes putting things in writing, if you don't have a, feel like you have a voice, that at least you can get it out. Um, I would also say, talk to somebody that you feel safe.

• 1:09:36Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:09:37Speaker 01

  To be able to unpack it with them first. Um, also, I I think if if sometimes we think our parent is saying something racist and our parents have no idea that they're saying something racist. I've had friends, some of my white friends would say to me, um, my daughter said what I said was racist. Is this racist? And she would say to me, you know, she would ask me. Um, and I think younger generations, they see things differently than the older generations do in terms of language. Um, and I think.

• 1:10:12Lewis Howes?

  Are those things racist when they ask you?

• 1:10:15Speaker 01

  They could be um misinterpreted as such, right? Um, and I would say, well, it's not, it's not racist. It's just not, not really nice, right?

• 1:10:26Lewis Howes?

  Sensitive.

• 1:10:27Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:10:27Lewis Howes?

  Are, are kids overly sensitive today?

• 1:10:30Speaker 01

  I think they're using the words, they're overusing words, right?

• 1:10:33Lewis Howes?

  Like what? What words?

• 1:10:35Speaker 01

  Racist, like, my kids was, something will happen and my kids say that.

• 1:10:38Lewis Howes?

  That's racist, you're racist, he's racist, she's racist. That was a horror, yes.

• 1:10:41Speaker 01

  We're not using those words in that way. That word is powerful and it should be saved when it really matters. Because if we make light of it, um, the, the weight of that word then loses its weight, right? And so, you better mean, when you say that word, you better mean it. Even just like bully, like he's bullying me, I'm like, he's not bullying you. He's annoying you, yes, but he's not bullying you.

• 1:11:04Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, he's not nice.

• 1:11:05Speaker 01

  Right, right. When you use that word.

• 1:11:07Lewis Howes?

  But it's not like he's putting you down and posting stuff about you around and shoving you in a locker, you know, doing something like that. There's microbullying, you know, but it's like.

• 1:11:17Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:11:18Lewis Howes?

  So how do people?

• 1:11:22Speaker 01

  I think that the culture is using these words more.

• 1:11:24Lewis Howes?

  Yes, and so when the culture is using it uh more frequently for things that maybe like aren't nice, but maybe isn't a fully racist or bullying mentality, how do we learn to communicate and, and without people feeling like, I'm just living my life trying to, you know, not walk on eggshells all day with my, every word I say because you're misinterpreting it as well.

• 1:11:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's the messy part, right?

• 1:11:49Lewis Howes?

  It's like, that's not, it wasn't racist.

• 1:11:51Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:11:52Lewis Howes?

  But you're interpreting it, or you're just saying this blanket.

• 1:11:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:11:55Lewis Howes?

  Language.

• 1:11:56Speaker 01

  And I think we have to start talking more. Like, we are not, we're making judgments about people, we are having, in our silos with people who look like us or act like us, and we're not talking enough. Like, we're living in such a black, white world, and I don't mean that racially, but just wrong, right? Black, white, and we forgot about all the gray in between. Um, and I think we need to get back to more gray areas where we have dialogue about, this is what I really meant. Um, if this was offensive to you, I, I didn't mean that way. And I need to be able to say to you, look, Louis, you said that, I know this is what you meant, but this is how it made me feel. And you need to then say.

• 1:12:38Speaker 01

  That never occurred to me, but your lived experience is different from mine. So I accept that and I apologize. And then we move on, right? We get so caught up in not saying the right thing, being afraid to apologize, being afraid to say what we we want to say in a very respectful, radical love kind of way, right? That we then say nothing and that silence breeds all kinds of things that we don't really intend for it to to to breed. And I think having those hard conversations, living in the mess, being able to go to somebody and say, hey, let me just say this to you.

• 1:13:13Speaker 01

  This was offensive to me. Let me tell you the history behind that and and explain to you why I found it offensive. And then you or the other person not feeling like, well, I didn't mean it that way, you know, but really listening and recognizing that because our lived experiences are different, we're we are going to see things differently. And that's okay, too.

• 1:13:34Lewis Howes?

  And I think it takes responsibility from both parties. The one that's feeling offended to not attack and be overly aggressive in your communication of like, you did this to me and you made me, you know, made me feel this way. Then the person's gonna be defensive.

• 1:13:48Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:13:49Lewis Howes?

  So it's learning how to approach people as well, even if it felt like that was not cool to say that.

• 1:13:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:13:54Lewis Howes?

  You know, which is hard. So I think it's hard for both parties.

• 1:13:57Speaker 01

  Yes. And I know in the work that I do with parents, I have some activists who say to me that I'm not doing it right, right? I'm not doing it well.

• 1:14:09Lewis Howes?

  Say it to you, you're not doing it.

• 1:14:10Speaker 01

  To me, to me. Because some people in the in the in the black community feel like it is your responsibility, Louis, as a white male to do the work. You need to educate yourself. You need to figure out why we're saw we're angry or hurting or upset. It's not my job to teach you.

• 1:14:32Speaker 01

  But as a educator, as a black mother, I think it is my responsibility to teach you, right? Because you don't know what you don't know.

• 1:14:41Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:14:41Speaker 01

  And

• 1:14:42Lewis Howes?

  Who are, who are white people gonna talk to if black people aren't gonna

• 1:14:44Speaker 01

  Exactly, yes, right, right.

• 1:14:47Lewis Howes?

  Where you gonna learn it from?

• 1:14:48Speaker 01

  And that's my stance, right?

• 1:14:49Lewis Howes?

  Like in a book?

• 1:14:49Speaker 01

  Come to me and ask me.

• 1:14:50Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:51Speaker 01

  I want you to ask me the hard conversations so that we can unpack it, so that you don't make the same mistake twice, or that you can work around your fears in order to show up differently and teach your children to do the same.

• 1:15:02Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:15:02Speaker 01

  So, you know, these different schools of thought, one's not right or wrong, but I just ascribe to one versus the other. And again, it's about having this open, honest dialogue that's needed for us to be able to understand each other.

• 1:15:17Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:17Speaker 01

  In ways that we can show up for each other.

• 1:15:19Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:20Speaker 01

  Because, listen, if we want things to change, it's, it takes all of us. Like, there's no one group that's gonna be able to do it by themselves.

• 1:15:28Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:15:28Speaker 01

  We have to do it together.

• 1:15:30Lewis Howes?

  I love that you said one of your principles was,

• 1:15:36Lewis Howes?

  taking them out of your own bubble for your kids not to be narcissists. And I think that's just a good rule. If you create kids as global citizens, you take them to different neighborhoods in your city, or you get them to travel to see other places and people that are of different perspectives, they're gonna be raised with just exposure to all sorts of people. You know, I was raised on, in sports teams. And in sports teams, you know, I'm not,

• 1:16:05Lewis Howes?

  a lot of my teams, being white was the minority, right? So it's like, not all of them, but sometimes. It's like, I'm being raised in my community from sports teams. But I was also telling you beforehand, I was in prisons for four years because of my brother, so I visited prisons as a kid. And then we traveled and I saw like different people. My, my dad did something I thought was brilliant. We live in a small, uh, white neighborhood in a small town in Delaware, Ohio. But he wanted us to be exposed to the world. And when we were younger, he didn't have a lot of money to travel until I was older. But he brought the world to us. We had exchanged, seven exchanges from around the world. Live with us for six months at a time.

• 1:16:47Lewis Howes?

  Brazil, Japan, Germany, Philippines, uh, France, all these places. So we had people from around the world when I was five until I was 13, live with us. So I had older brothers and sisters that from different languages, different cultures, different countries. Cook their food, have their flags up, you know, and live their culture in my small, my house, in my world.

• 1:17:10Speaker 01

  That's beautiful.

• 1:17:11Lewis Howes?

  Cause we couldn't travel early on, but it was like brought the world to us. So he, he made us global citizens at an early age, at least be exposed to it.

• 1:17:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:17:20Lewis Howes?

  You know, we had the opportunity to embrace it or not, but. And I think that was powerful for me. Um, and it just made me see the world differently.

• 1:17:28Speaker 01

  Definitely.

• 1:17:28Lewis Howes?

  So finding ways to get your, get your kids out of the bubble in general. Whatever that looks like for you, I think is a powerful tool to have kids more compassionate towards others.

• 1:17:39Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 1:17:39Lewis Howes?

  So, um, I don't know where I was going with that, but I just think it's important to get kids out of their bubble. And not just say, this is the way, and this is like, our culture is the way it is. It's like expose people so they're not stuck in that mindset constantly.

• 1:17:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, in, in real life, right? Because we, kids are making up their minds about people, you know, through social media, through TV, through whatever. And I always say, do, do you want, is that what you want to teach your kids about the world?

• 1:18:10Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:18:10Speaker 01

  Um, because they're learning whether you're silent about it or not. And so I think having kids exposed to differences on your terms, right? It's better than what they're learning on, on Instagram or Facebook or whatever they're on TikTok. Because that is a, could be a scary world.

• 1:18:30Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 1:18:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:18:30Lewis Howes?

  And they're going to be on it no matter what.

• 1:18:32Speaker 01

  That's right.

• 1:18:32Lewis Howes?

  So you gotta expose them to other stuff.

• 1:18:33Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:18:35Lewis Howes?

  This book is exciting for people. I think everyone should be reading this book, getting this book, sharing it. Social Justice Parenting: How to Raise Compassionate, Anti-Racist, Justice-Minded Kids in an Unjust World by Dr. Tracy Vaxley. I think this is powerful. The tools you've given us here, the stories, the lesson, the lessons you've been sharing is inspiring, and I want people to continue on this journey. You give a lot of different exercises in here for parents and with kids and stuff like that, so make sure you guys get the book. Is there anything else that we should be thinking about before we get to the last couple of questions? Anything else parents need to be thinking about to be better parents? Kids need to be thinking about to be better children with their parents?

• 1:19:20Lewis Howes?

  Anything at all?

• 1:19:21Speaker 01

  No, I think the main thing is having that safe space where parents and kids can talk about hard things and be able to unpack things at home before they go out in the world. It's really important.

• 1:19:33Lewis Howes?

  So at least once a month, having like something?

• 1:19:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, designated time and space. I know some families too who have like a safe word. So if a child says that word, it means the parent needs to be quiet and listen. And everything that that kid is saying, they're in a safe zone and they're able to say it. You know, if something's going on at school, they're feeling a certain way. So, you know, have a safe space, safe word, safe time of the month, whatever it is. But listen.

• 1:20:01Lewis Howes?

  I think it's also important for parents to take some pressure off their own backs because even you said yourself, this is your life's work and you still haven't been like perfect as a parent or as a mother with some of your kids at certain moments or you missed certain things and not putting all the pressure on yourself as a parent to feel like you gotta get it right all the time as well.

• 1:20:24Speaker 01

  That's exactly right.

• 1:20:25Lewis Howes?

  You can't expect your kids to get it right all the time.

• 1:20:27Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 1:20:27Lewis Howes?

  And you can't expect yourself to get it right all the time. It doesn't mean that you let go of responsibility of showing up and acknowledging that you didn't show up the right way or you could have done better, but... You don't want to live with so much pressure and stress as well because then that's not a good model for your kids either.

• 1:20:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, absolutely. Remembering the human part.

• 1:20:46Lewis Howes?

  Exactly. That it's gonna be messy, even if this is your life's mission, you're still gonna mess it up at some point.

• 1:20:51Speaker 01

  That's exactly right.

• 1:20:51Lewis Howes?

  Right?

• 1:20:52Speaker 01

  That is perfectly said.

• 1:20:53Lewis Howes?

  No one's perfect.

• 1:20:54Speaker 01

  That's right, that's right.

• 1:20:55Lewis Howes?

  You know, I have a, I'm excited to be a parent one day, but I'm also like, even though I'm in this work, I know I'm gonna say something that I shouldn't have said, or I'm gonna, whatever, look at my kid in a weird way, or something that's gonna be like in their brain forever. You know, you're gonna say something, they're like, man, they held on to that in their brain. It's like, Dad, you said this when I was eight, and I'm like, what? I don't even remember this.

• 1:21:17Speaker 01

  Right, right, exactly.

• 1:21:18Lewis Howes?

  I'm sorry, I'm not perfect. So it's learning how to, you know, forgive yourself, I'm assuming.

• 1:21:24Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 1:21:24Lewis Howes?

  In the process of being a messy parent.

• 1:21:26Speaker 01

  That's right.

• 1:21:27Lewis Howes?

  And being as conscious as you can, right?

• 1:21:30Lewis Howes?

  People can follow you on social media, you put good stuff over on Instagram, you've got your website, socialjusticeparenting.com, Tracy Backsley on Twitter as well, and

• 1:21:44Lewis Howes?

  this is a question I ask everyone called the, at the end of our interviews called the three truths. So I'd like you to imagine a hypothetical scenario, that it's your last day on earth, many years away from now. So you get to live as long as you want, you get to accomplish all of your dreams, you're happy, you're healthy, but for whatever reason, it's your last day many years away, and all of the work, your book, this interview, your content has to go somewhere else. So no one has access to your content anymore. All your information, gone. Hypothetical scenario. But you get to leave behind three things you know to be true. Three lessons you would share with the world, from just personal life experience, or work, or whatever it may be for you, but three lessons you would share with the world. And this is all we have to remember you by.

• 1:22:29Lewis Howes?

  What would those three truths be for you?

• 1:22:33Speaker 01

  I would say that kindness and compassion can change the world, right? Changes us internally, right? With our brain synapses, all of that, right? The more you give, the better, the more you, the better you feel, the happier, you know, dopamine and all that good stuff. So I think leaning into the idea of kindness and compassion and how it can change the world and change you. I would say, um, living in radical love is the tool that we need to live in a more humane world.

• 1:23:16Speaker 01

  And the third one, I would say, is, um, taking time, taking time to be present with what we say and what we do with people we love.

• 1:23:35Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, those are good, yeah. Those are powerful. Well, Dr. Tracy, I want to acknowledge you for doing the work, because this is information and wisdom that a lot of us need to know, whether we're parents or not parents yet. We're going to need to know this information if we want to raise children in a healthy way. So I acknowledge you for doing the work for 30 years in all the different sectors, from early childhood to education to parenting now, and really appreciating and acknowledging you for creating it in a way that we can consume it, creating it in a way we can understand it through this book, by showing up, by being a leader in your community, and by trying to be of service in a messy world right now.

• 1:24:18Lewis Howes?

  So I really acknowledge you for your gift and for being not a perfect parent.

• 1:24:22Speaker 01

  That's right.

• 1:24:23Lewis Howes?

  You don't need to be perfect.

• 1:24:24Speaker 01

  I appreciate that.

• 1:24:25Lewis Howes?

  You don't need to be perfect.

• 1:24:26Speaker 01

  That's right.

• 1:24:27Lewis Howes?

  You know, but you've got attitude, great attitude, great energy, great effort, and you keep showing up. And I think that's what parents need to know that they got to do as well. We can't expect our kids to be perfect in sports and music, and we can't expect ourselves to be perfect, but... You're being a great role model in this process. And I can only imagine the challenges you face with, you know, a mixed family. Of what that's like navigating those other complexities with societies right now. So I really acknowledge you for being a great mom.

• 1:24:58Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 1:24:59Lewis Howes?

  Most of all, and your kids are, the kids love you, I know that.

• 1:25:04Lewis Howes?

  This is the final question.

• 1:25:07Lewis Howes?

  What is your definition of greatness?

• 1:25:11Speaker 01

  I think, oh, I, and I'm at the, I'm gonna repeat myself.

• 1:25:19Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:25:19Speaker 01

  But I think it's about being of service to others, right? Allowing who you are and what you have to serve other people. I think it's really, that's the greatness I want my children to have, right? To know that who they are and what they do can always serve somebody else.

• 1:25:38Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:25:39Speaker 01

  So I think when you see yourself as a servant, servant leader, I think that's, that's, to me, defines you as something great.

• 1:25:46Lewis Howes?

  I love it, Tracy. Thank you so much. Appreciate it.

• 1:25:49Speaker 01

  Thank you. This is great.

• 1:25:50Lewis Howes?

  Powerful. Thank you so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's show with all the important links. And also make sure to share this with a friend. Leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts and subscribe over on Apple Podcasts as well. I really love hearing feedback from you guys, so share a review over on Apple and let me know what part of this episode resonated with you the most. And if no one's told you lately, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.