Dr. Shefali: Protecting Your Kids in the Algorithm Age

Dr. Shefali Tsabary, clinical psychologist and pioneer of the conscious parenting movement, returns for her third School of Greatness appearance to discuss her books Raising Conscious Daughters and Raising Conscious Sons. The conversation covers conscious parenting, parental emotional regulation, the seven pillars for raising girls (voice, embodiment, enoughness, boundaries, anti-fragility, sovereignty, sisterhood), male initiation, the manosphere, the youth mental health crisis, and the digital hijacking of attention and attachment. Tsabary references her Conscious Coaching Institute and the work of Scott Galloway.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Children's mental health crisis has never been such an abysmal tragedy. Suicidality, loneliness, anxiety, body dysmorphia.

• 0:11Lewis Howes?

  How can parents protect their kids from everything coming at them?

• 0:15Speaker 00

  The parent needs to be in supreme emotional regulation. If the parent is on TikTok and the parent is sabotaged and hijacked by comparison and anxiety and perfectionism, how will they show up for this child?

• 0:31Lewis Howes?

  Oprah has called her revolutionary and the best child expert she has ever interviewed and the pioneer of the conscious parenting movement. Please welcome Dr. Shefali.

• 0:41Speaker 00

  I empower parents to just be very comfortable with the fact that they are going to screw up their children. Like, don't try to avoid that. If you just accept it is going to be a show, now let me lean in and try to show up the best I can.

• 0:59Lewis Howes?

  What is the number one skill for conscious parenting?

• 1:02Speaker 00

  The skill above all skills is the ability to...

• 1:11Lewis Howes?

  I'm excited about this because you have two new books out. One is called Raising Conscious Daughters, which is perfect for me because I have twin daughters, six months old. And the other one is called Raising Conscious Sons. So for any parents listening or watching, these are the two books that they need to get to understand how to not mess up their children.

• 1:31Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:32Lewis Howes?

  And how to hopefully be better than their parents. Now, a lot of people watching or listening would probably resonate with they didn't have the best childhoods. Some people said they had a great childhood and their parents were amazing. And that's great. But those that think they had bad childhoods or they had emotionally immature parents have this belief that they're going to raise their kids differently. But sometimes that can be a trap to think, "My parents didn't do it the right way. They messed me up. I'm not going to do that to my kids." Why is that belief a trap in your mind?

• 2:09Speaker 00

  Because you can't think your way into good parenting. You have to heal your way into good parenting.

• 2:16Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 2:17Speaker 00

  And healing happens in relationship.

• 2:20Speaker 00

  So you can think, you know, like every non-parent, you know, seeing a parent on the plane with their toddler, who's like throwing all the the stuff all over the aisle. And that non-parent, like you and I did before we became parents, we're like, oh, I'll never be like that.

• 2:36Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:36Speaker 00

  Right? I will know how to connect to my child. I'll know how to regulate. I'll I won't lose my shit. But you can't think conscious parenting. It is a practice. It is a cultivation. It is a healing. And it is a growing into. And you have to do the work. But here's the beautiful thing about what I teach in conscious parenting is that your children come to raise you. And they come to awaken you if you're willing to look into the mirror of this most intense relationship. And the reason I call it more intense of a mirror than the partner is because you can't return them.

• 3:14Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 3:14Speaker 00

  You can't divorce them.

• 3:15Lewis Howes?

  Oh, man.

• 3:16Speaker 00

  There's no expiration date. There's no exit ramp. My daughter's twenty three. I'm still in it. Every single day I have to show up. So that that locked system where you have no fantasy of.

• 3:31Lewis Howes?

  Exit.

• 3:31Speaker 00

  There's no exit.

• 3:32Lewis Howes?

  I mean, if you exit, you're really.

• 3:33Speaker 00

  I mean, you.

• 3:34Lewis Howes?

  Creating trauma, massive trauma.

• 3:35Speaker 00

  Yes, you you individuate.

• 3:37Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 3:38Speaker 00

  You have healthy separation, age appropriate, but you can't just take the exit ramp because this has become intolerable. You have to sit there and work through it. And the second reason why children are so profoundly our mirrors is because we truly call them ours. You're like my sperm or my egg, my body, my genes. How can you tell me they're not mine? So in conscious parenting, I'm teaching parents that, yes, they came through you, but how do you not?

• 4:13Speaker 00

  Impose your ideas, your fantasies, your ideals, your expectations. Especially when those belief systems are largely toxic. Like so many of us pass down toxic belief systems. How do you think our world looks the way it does today? And that's why I wrote these books, because it starts from the home. You know, we are at a cultural inflection point, Lewis, and you've just chosen to have children.

• 4:45Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 4:46Speaker 00

  At this very critical point in our world culture.

• 4:50Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 4:51Speaker 00

  Where for the first time, the parents' attachment and connection is potential, potentially being bypassed, hijacked, sabotaged by technology.

• 5:04Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 5:04Speaker 00

  So where before, when I wrote Conscious Parenting the first time and I came to you years ago, our attention was in jeopardy, just because we were distracted.

• 5:16Lewis Howes?

  Parents were distracted.

• 5:17Speaker 00

  Parents were distracted, but at least we knew that attachment needed to be secure. Now our attention and our attachment is being hijacked by technology. You know, people are creating relationships with chat G P T bots, with their A I agent. They're having employees and team meetings with A I agents. Soon there will be robots in the house. So this mass disconnection is so pernicious, so dangerous for the parent-child bond, that I felt that I had to write yet two more books. Each year I think this is my last parenting book and then something happens that makes me realize.

• 6:00Speaker 00

  And I wrote two for sons and daughters, even though they are both growing up in the same world. The algorithm treats each of them differently because it knows how to hijack each one's neurobiology differently.

• 6:15Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, not even the algorithm, just society treats men and women differently.

• 6:19Speaker 00

  They do, whether we like it or not.

• 6:21Lewis Howes?

  The real world algorithm and the. Digital algorithm is hijacking

• 6:25Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 6:26Lewis Howes?

  Sons and daughters.

• 6:27Speaker 00

  Yes, and each one adapts to that same world in very different ways with different hormonal timelines, different developmental blueprints, different neurobiologies. And so I felt in order to truly give parents a blueprint, you know, everyone now knows that there's an urgent situation going on in the world. Children's mental health crisis has never been such an abysmal tragedy as today. I mean, this is astronomical levels of suicidality, loneliness, anxiety, body dysmorphia, identity fragmentation. I mean, you chose this time to have children.

• 7:11Lewis Howes?

  Well, it's interesting because your your daughter's in her young twenties, right?

• 7:14Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 7:15Lewis Howes?

  I'm sure there was challenges from when she was in middle school and high school, I guess, ten years ago when it started in in middle school, high school for her, that she had to face certain challenges with society pressure and social media and comparison and all these things. But ten years later, like she almost missed what is happening now, right? I'm sure she had a lot of her own things that she had to navigate. But imagine me eight now with all that's happening, nine or ten now with all that's happening. How can parents like protect their kids from everything coming at them? Like, how does even parent think consciously enough on what to do?

• 7:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:57Lewis Howes?

  To serve their kids?

• 7:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:58Lewis Howes?

  Let alone at eight or nine, but for me, as my six year old daughters, it's like I have no clue what's about to change. It's gonna change so fast.

• 8:05Speaker 00

  Yeah. So the first place for any parent, especially of young children or teens, or even me, and even though my daughter's in her twenties, is that the parent needs to be in supreme.

• 8:20Speaker 00

  Emotional regulation.

• 8:21Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 8:22Speaker 00

  But if the parent is on TikTok.

• 8:24Lewis Howes?

  Oh, yeah.

• 8:25Speaker 00

  And scrolling all day.

• 8:27Lewis Howes?

  No chance.

• 8:27Speaker 00

  And the parent is sabotaged and hijacked by comparison and anxiety and perfectionism. And she's feeling lesser than and the the male parent, I'm just talking stereotypically, is dismissive and avoidant and suppressing his emotions. How will they show up for this child now? So I'm telling you, when I wrote Conscious Parenting years ago, sixteen years ago, attention was a problem. Talk about how difficult attention is today.

• 8:57Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 8:57Speaker 00

  Right? Attention and attachment are being hijacked. So what do parents need to do?

• 9:02Lewis Howes?

  So there's a lack of attachment to.

• 9:04Speaker 00

  Our children, to our children, yes.

• 9:06Lewis Howes?

  Is it the parents lacking the ability to attach their their kids? Or is it their kids inability to focus to attach their parents?

• 9:14Speaker 00

  Well, we have allowed digital immersion and overstimulation of the modern chaotic world to so infiltrate our own psyches and our homes that the capacity for us to show up connected to ourselves, our moments of solitude with ourselves, Lois. When is the last time you stared outside a window?

• 9:37Lewis Howes?

  Board.

• 9:38Speaker 00

  Board.

• 9:38Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 9:39Speaker 00

  And allowed yourself to be connected to your own thoughts and allowed yourself to unwind without just, hmm, let me check my phone.

• 9:46Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 9:47Speaker 00

  Oh, let me send some emails. Oh, and let me start scrolling. So those gaps that have filled the moments of solitude have disconnected us as adult human beings. So in itself, our capacity to pay attention, to tune in, to zone in, to attach, to align with our children, to watch them. You know, you have two daughters now. You're already noticing so many differences. But imagine if your capacity to pay attention was diminished over, over years. You're distracted, you're overwhelmed, you're anxious, you're chaotic. They pick up, their mirror is you.

• 10:29Speaker 00

  So they're looking into the, the mirror of, which is the parent to see, is the world a safe place? Am I a person of worth and value?

• 10:39Lewis Howes?

  Attention.

• 10:40Speaker 00

  They're looking based on how you are looking at them. But if the parent is glassed over, the parent is disconnected, the parent has no ability. It's not the child's fault, right? The child is born into the environment. It's the parents who have to create the pace. So for a parent like you in today's world, you have to be even more conscious. I'm sorry, than I was. You have to be otherworldly because otherwise the void of your lack will be filled in not just by boredom, but by strangers in her algorithm or her friends' algorithm. So then you have strangers in your child's psyche.

• 11:22Speaker 00

  You wouldn't allow your daughter to travel the world alone at eight, but the world is in her algorithm by eight.

• 11:29Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 11:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:30Lewis Howes?

  Now, what would you say is the, the number one skill to develop to be a conscious parent? Is it emotional regulation? Is it healing? Like what is the number one skill for conscious parenting?

• 11:43Speaker 00

  The skill above all skills is the ability to be present. But the ability to be present.

• 11:50Lewis Howes?

  What does that take?

• 11:51Speaker 00

  Takes fifteen things, right? It takes being at complete here and now, mindful attention. What does that take? That takes a simple existence. Your ability to have an unchaotic life. Your ability to be okay. In the present and not live in the future or the past. That means you have to do some healing of your past. Your ability to be with this being who is not really going to give you much. It's kind of a one way street for a long time. And then, then the quality of your presence. So it's not just being there.

• 12:36Speaker 00

  It's what you're there and what you're showing up with. So if you're showing up with a lot of dogma, a lot of fundamentalism, a lot of homophobia, for example. That's not conscious presence. So then you have to work on your belief systems and heal yourself and ask yourself, what do I want to pass down to my children in their emotional legacy? Right? What is their emotional inheritance? And that requires me to examine my belief systems, right? So if you have a twelve year old who comes home and says, I wanna, you know, be an artist and I don't want to go to high school. How will you navigate that?

• 13:16Speaker 00

  You have a kid who is on the medical track and then drops out and wants to be a potter or a carpenter. How do you navigate that? You have a fifteen year old who is confused about their identity and they don't know who they're going to be. And you're terrified that they may go away that is not okay with you. How are you going to handle that? So in all these infinite moments, you're being asked to show up in the most conscious way possible, and you won't be able to do it unless you've cultivated that practice.

• 13:45Lewis Howes?

  It's hard for a lot of people to heal and to be present and to deal with their own traumas from their parents, let alone once they bring children into this world, learn how to not repeat the pattern of that trauma. But again, we're talking about the trap in the beginning, like a lot of people. I remember saying like, I'm never gonna be like my dad in this way, I'm never to be like my mom. But then you start to see like, huh, why am I acting in certain ways? I have to catch myself, right? It's like. Is the only way to not repeat the things you don't like about the way you were raised? Is the only way is you have to heal from that parent-child relationship yourself first before you can have a new parent-child relationship next?

• 14:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, you, it's not a if then, it's a, it's something that happens simultaneously. So don't worry, anyone listening who feels they need to be prepackaged healed, it's not possible. The beautiful thing is your willingness to lean in when you see your dad show up through you and not have the narcissistic audacity to think your dad is not going to show up. Your dad is going to show up over and over and over again, yes.

• 14:57Lewis Howes?

  Why is that? Just because it's been programmed for so long?

• 15:00Speaker 00

  It's a blueprint. And I'm not saying that's going to happen, but when it happens, don't be shocked by it. Lean into it and go, wow. And you almost thank your child for showing you that you're, that unhealed part still lives in you.

• 15:15Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 15:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, because many parents feel ashamed, you know, when they yell at their kid or they lose their temper. And I'm not endorsing it, but shame is yet another voice from the past. You see, so they've not only yelled, which was probably because of a trigger from the past. Because very rarely are we reacting in the present. We're typically reacting from the past. Then we have shame and guilt and blame and resentment, which is more past. So I empower parents to just be very comfortable with the fact that they are going to screw up their children. Like, don't try to avoid that. Don't try to be so obsessively perfect and then be so hurt that you are messing it up. Because that's your narcissism.

• 16:01Speaker 00

  If you just accept it is going to be a show, now let me lean in and try to show up the best I can. So my daughter at twenty-three will say things to me like, I cannot believe Dr. Shefali is saying this to me, right? Because she'll use that against me. She'll use my alter consciousness against me. I'm going, you are so manipulative. And I go, I'm so sorry I'm not Dr. Shefali. Like, I am a human being struggling here. And I'm not here to be perfect. I'm here to grow. And I cannot apologize for the rest of my life for being my messed up self.

• 16:42Speaker 00

  I'm here to grow, but I'm not here to pretend that I can just be embarrassed and ashamed all the time. This is who I am, my vulnerabilities, my imperfections and all. And we will work through it together. Let's go for therapy together. Like, I'm not here, I'm not hiding from it. But I'm not going to pretend it's not in the room. I am here with my baggage. When a child comes of age, we need to tell them. In case you haven't noticed, I have a lot of baggage.

• 17:12Lewis Howes?

  I'm not perfect.

• 17:13Speaker 00

  I'm not perfect. And now we have to deal with this. And when you become a parent, or you become a partner, or you become a friend, you need to own that baggage that you will carry. So this idea, this, you know, holistic kind of positive psychology, perfectionistic, you know, healed self, you know, or this idea that you don't harm people because of your baggage. No, you do. We're always with our baggage. And we don't have to be embarrassed about it, but we do need to own it, lean into it and have humility that I have a lot of it, you know? And I'm not away, I'm not separate from it.

• 17:50Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 17:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:51Lewis Howes?

  This belief that parents own their children, right? Or that's like, these are my kids, right? When you're constantly choosing to have kids, did those children want to be in this world? Like, when, how did those souls say, I'm choosing to be with these parents?

• 18:10Lewis Howes?

  Do we have that answer?

• 18:11Speaker 00

  Yes, so Louis, you know, you're presuming the worldview of a soul, right? We don't know.

• 18:19Lewis Howes?

  We don't know.

• 18:19Speaker 00

  We don't know, right? What we do know is that biology has created life.

• 18:26Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 18:26Speaker 00

  Now our children are here and we do know that every child comes with their essence. You were telling me how different your twins are.

• 18:35Lewis Howes?

  Different.

• 18:35Speaker 00

  Different.

• 18:35Lewis Howes?

  It's crazy to me. It seems crazy to me.

• 18:38Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 18:38Lewis Howes?

  But why, why are they different? Like, why is it?

• 18:41Speaker 00

  Because every wiring is different. And it's so intricate, the symphony of neurobiology and neurochemistry. You know, you were asking me about my midlife and how I'm experiencing midlife compared to my friends. Why are they experiencing it in one way and I'm experiencing it differently? Why are you made up like this and your best friend made up? Why are you so coordinated? And it's because our neurobiology and our genetics create the symphony within us that is unique each time. And just a little tweak causes a cascade of differences, right? My vocal cords could be just a little different and I could be better than Adele. Not me, but you know.

• 19:26Speaker 00

  It's just a little tweaking, right? Why do I have these eyes? And my brother has different eyes. Why are you so tall? Your sister different? It's neurochemistry and genetics. And then culture, right? So biology loads the gun, but then culture pulls the trigger. Yeah.

• 19:43Lewis Howes?

  I mean, what do you think the purpose is for our children to be in our lives? What is that purpose? Is it to teach us? Is it to be a mirror of the triggers that we haven't healed? Is it to teach us to grow? Is it to?

• 19:58Speaker 00

  I love it. I love that. Okay, so let's look at the, I look at it as different layers. So at the biological layer, which is the most basic layer.

• 20:06Lewis Howes?

  Procreation.

• 20:06Speaker 00

  Yes, procreation, reproduction, life.

• 20:10Speaker 00

  Uh regeneration, genetic transmission, right? So that's at the genetic. We we have this call to life. Life has a call to life.

• 20:19Lewis Howes?

  And to extend life.

• 20:20Speaker 00

  And to just extend life. You know, you were talking about your legacy.

• 20:23Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 20:23Speaker 00

  It's this primal urge. Women, many of them will say around age thirty five, oh, my goodness, I need to have a baby. What is that, right? There's this primal blueprint. So that's biological. Then on the psychological level, I always teach that if you wish to lean into that, you can begin to uncover your patterns and you can begin to look at the child-parent relationship, the attachment, the the dynamics that show up and undo the dysfunction on the psychological. You go to therapy, you call Dr. Shefali, you read my books. And then I do think you can, you can, if you want to lean in to the transcendent level, if you wish to have an evolved view of parenting.

• 21:08Speaker 00

  And that's where conscious parenting comes in, which is beyond ego.

• 21:13Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 21:14Speaker 00

  Which is beyond, this is my child. Now I look at my child not as mine, but as a being, I get to help usher into their destiny.

• 21:26Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 21:26Speaker 00

  But I don't attach to them with my identity.

• 21:30Lewis Howes?

  Is that kind of the second phase? First is procreation, then it's like undoing the dysfunction, but it's more identity based?

• 21:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, and then it's like letting go of the identity of mother.

• 21:40Lewis Howes?

  That's hard.

• 21:40Speaker 00

  Letting it go. So if if a child comes to the parent and goes, I hate you. And you wanna go, well, I hate you too. Or or how dare you talk to me like that? Because now you're stuck at the psychological, the dynamic, the dysfunction. Because my identity is attached to how you talk to me. Right? Every time I descend into my ego with my daughter, it's because I'm identifying, how dare she talk to me? I'm her mother, right?

• 22:05Lewis Howes?

  Everything I've sacrificed. She can't kill me and you ruin my body and all these things, right?

• 22:10Speaker 00

  So body, role, identity, how other people will look at me. How can she talk? She, me, daughter, mother, role-based identity.

• 22:20Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 22:20Speaker 00

  But then when the few moments that I can transcend, I can see her as a being who's struggling.

• 22:26Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 22:27Speaker 00

  And who's lost and who's disconnected and is yearning.

• 22:33Speaker 00

  For connection. And if I am able to be so beautiful in that transcendence, very hard to do. I look at my job not as her mother, but really as her guide to take her back to herself.

• 22:49Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 22:50Speaker 00

  Right? This is about her being integrated, her being connected. Even when I don't like who she is right now, or I don't like that she's, you know, my daughter decided to become a chef, right? I love it, but had I not.

• 23:04Lewis Howes?

  You don't like that?

• 23:04Speaker 00

  No, I do. Of course, I'm just happy.

• 23:06Lewis Howes?

  Hey, name is.

• 23:08Speaker 00

  I'm so happy, yes. But had I had a different vision for her.

• 23:12Lewis Howes?

  You should have been a lawyer.

• 23:13Speaker 00

  You should have been a surgeon, and you know, you have so much potential. How can you be cutting chicken, right? I could trip her.

• 23:20Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 23:20Speaker 00

  Right? I could say, this is not okay. Standing in a kitchen is not okay. This is a stupid job. It's seven daughters. And I could do a lot of things to damage her out of my love. But it would be my ego.

• 23:32Lewis Howes?

  Ego love is not real love, right?

• 23:34Speaker 00

  Right, but but parents think it's love because I'm protecting her.

• 23:39Lewis Howes?

  Why is the tendency in a society for a lot of parents to want their kids to be in a certain lane in their at college and then have a career that the parents want? Why is that so important for so many adult parents? That their kids become a certain profession?

• 23:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, you're asking me the most important question. So I'm going to give you a provocative answer. And many of your listeners are not going to like me right now when I say this. And this is why I teach conscious parenting. The reason for that imposing our ideals is because in many ways, the very reason we have children is to have a trophy, is to have an ambassador, is to have somebody who heals us, somebody who now we can curate and puppeteer to be the unrealized selves we never were.

• 24:38Lewis Howes?

  Gosh.

• 24:39Speaker 00

  But it's really subconscious.

• 24:42Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, we're not thinking it.

• 24:43Speaker 00

  No, you're not thinking it. And that's why parents get very offended when I say, and I'm not saying that it is always true, but it's always a potential. I see it in my parenting and I'm trying to be conscious.

• 24:55Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 24:56Speaker 00

  Yes, one every day.

• 24:58Lewis Howes?

  I mean, listen, as a driven individual who had grew up looking to accomplish and achieve to feel worthy.

• 25:06Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 25:06Lewis Howes?

  I could probably see myself unconsciously creating that trap for my kids, for my daughters, of repeating that cycle of like, all right, now I see you gifted in this area, so I'm going to nurture it and I'm going to develop it.

• 25:20Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 25:21Lewis Howes?

  And even saying this out loud, I'll probably still do that.

• 25:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:23Lewis Howes?

  But it's knowing how to do it, I guess, it's learning how to do that as a parent from a place of love and nurturing to develop their gifts and talents and personalities and expressions, but also being okay if that's not the direction they want to go in.

• 25:36Speaker 00

  But it's going to be really hard, especially when you see talent.

• 25:41Lewis Howes?

  Because I'm going to be like, let's go maximize this. Yeah, of course.

• 25:44Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 25:45Lewis Howes?

  I'm going to want to maximize that talent.

• 25:46Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 25:47Lewis Howes?

  So it's learning, I guess, or coach me, learning how to develop and nurture and celebrate the talent, but also just celebrate them as their, their being outside of the talent.

• 26:00Speaker 00

  But that's what you just said it, you hit it. You have to decide as a parent philosophically, am I raising a human being?

• 26:08Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 26:08Speaker 00

  Or a human doing?

• 26:09Lewis Howes?

  Uh huh.

• 26:10Speaker 00

  And don't lie about it.

• 26:12Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 26:12Speaker 00

  Right? Because if you're raising a human doing, then the kid who just strums the table is going to become a drummer. The kid who's just pirouetting in the kitchen will be enrolled in ballet school. The kid who's just good at math is now sent to, you know, learn chemistry at MIT without you even realizing, because you are identifying your role as a parent to raise a human doing, an achiever, an exceller. And that mindset typically of that parent is a very scarcity based mindset, because they were raised like that, that they must prove their existence and their worth.

• 26:47Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 26:47Speaker 00

  Like you were, you got so much validation for your achievements, you've tied the two together. And so without that, you're like, who am I then? Like, I'm, I'm not worthy. But children are inherently worthy as they are, but you have to really believe it. And when you are okay with your child being ordinary. What if you have a child who is completely average, Lewis? You've never been average. So, I mean, I know you struggled in school. So you have vulnerability and connection.

• 27:18Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 27:19Speaker 00

  But you overcompensated.

• 27:21Lewis Howes?

  Driven, yes. Obsessive in some ways.

• 27:23Speaker 00

  But what if your child doesn't overcompensate? Now, it's going to be tricky. I'm not saying that they should be losers. But what if a star, a star parent, which I see so much, has an average child? Which actually is a good thing. I mean, it's not a bad thing. You know, it's not like, look at you, you're like, oh my god. Like, the average is a criminal or like the biggest loser. They're good. They're just like solid B or solid. They're good.

• 27:52Lewis Howes?

  Well, I was never a B student, so I guess it was okay. But I sell another way.

• 27:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, you overcompensated.

• 27:57Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 27:57Speaker 00

  But, but we have such anathema to ordinariness. Because we live in a hustle culture for decades, because we live on external. And let me tell you, that's why these two books are so important. Because if we lived like that, Lewis, comparison, anxiety, perfectionism, obsessiveness, external validation. They, in this generation, are living that to the point of collapse.

• 28:24Lewis Howes?

  Oh, yeah.

• 28:24Speaker 00

  They are not handling it. You know, why are our children falling apart today? Because they cannot handle it. They are telling us the statistics are clear. They are drowning and we are not paying attention. We're just keeping on going. We're just, we're like, oh, why, why stop at social media? Let's go to AI. Why stop at AI? Let's go to super AI. We're not listening to our children. We have never before seen such a mass collapse of our children's mental health.

• 28:55Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 28:56Speaker 00

  Eight-year-olds on diets, 11-year-olds addicted to porn.

• 29:01Speaker 00

  Infinite girls, self harming body dysmorphia, suicidal ideation. Boys and males, four times more than girls and women, to commit suicide, like to complete it. The loneliness epidemic. I mean, we are not paying attention. I wrote these books to wake us up, not just to the urgent call for help, but to provide a blueprint. Because it's one thing to be anxious, but now what to do? So, chapter by chapter, I have tools. Just try these five things. You know, and just the memory of like, okay, in this moment,

• 29:44Speaker 00

  that book said, I need to take my daughter back to her sovereign self. And I can do it. I have to remember that she's losing her voice. So for girls, for you, for example, right? What are you facing? Right? In in ten years.

• 29:57Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, what am I facing?

• 29:58Speaker 00

  Or even sooner.

• 29:58Lewis Howes?

  Who knows? I don't know what I'm facing in ten years.

• 30:00Speaker 00

  But there are some things you can know.

• 30:02Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 30:03Speaker 00

  Based on female neurochemistry.

• 30:05Lewis Howes?

  Yes. Yeah, you're facing, you know, puberty, you're facing.

• 30:08Speaker 00

  The tendency.

• 30:08Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, of course.

• 30:09Speaker 00

  The tendency. And of course, you can have a boy just like that. It's not just strictly

• 30:13Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 30:14Speaker 00

  divided. I don't want to be reductive here, but just on the main, girls are extremely sensitive to emotional rejection.

• 30:24Lewis Howes?

  Oh, yeah.

• 30:25Speaker 00

  We've talked about that.

• 30:26Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 30:26Speaker 00

  And to connection.

• 30:27Lewis Howes?

  Uh huh.

• 30:28Speaker 00

  They scan the room for, do I belong? Am I worthy? Do you approve of me? They build their sense of self through connection. So today's girl is growing up with less connection and more strangers comparing her to impossible standards. She's never going to be good enough to the AI filters and to the amazing curated editorial feeds that she's scrolling. She's being bombarded by products, bombarded by perfect bodies. So her sense of self, which is created in relationship, is now with these digital perfection.

• 31:11Speaker 00

  She will, she is and will keep feeling disembodied and collapsing.

• 31:16Speaker 00

  She will not find her bearings. And we cannot call it dramatic or unhealthy that she's anxious. Anxiety today is an appropriate response to an insane culture. And our girls are anxious. And her neurobiology is so sensitive. The estrogen that creates the baby in her gives her the oxytocin to bond. The oxytocin to bond makes her uniquely fine tuned to the eye contact, to the emoji. I've had sixteen, seventeen year old girls come to me showing me text messages and going, you know, they put three exclamation marks or they had this emoji. And this emoji means that they don't like me.

• 32:01Lewis Howes?

  Oh, my gosh, the psychology of the emoji.

• 32:04Speaker 00

  Because what they can't do with eye contact and body language, they are projecting onto text.

• 32:09Lewis Howes?

  They're interpreting.

• 32:10Speaker 00

  Which is, you know how hard, you cannot interpret text, you and I cannot interpret text. We get it wrong.

• 32:15Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 32:16Speaker 00

  So imagine the girl who's trying to find herself through this. So what I will tell you for girls is to never call their emotions drama. Because you're going to be like, okay, this is a bit dramatic.

• 32:27Lewis Howes?

  What if it is?

• 32:29Speaker 00

  But it probably is, but calling it dramatic, uh, wrong thing to do. Because you have to help them feel safe in their body. You know, girls have to learn how to manage their hyper emotions. So calling it dramatic is judgmental, it suppresses it. And the next thing you need to be aware of is that they need physical contact and presence. Girls and boys, but more girls than boys. Because they find themselves through relationships. And boys are driven by different neurochemistry. So as much as the girl is relationally driven, the boy is driven by pursuit, by achievement,

• 33:13Speaker 00

  by competition, by action. And if you look at how our boys are being raised today, you know, on average children, you suspend thirteen plus hours outside with friends a week.

• 33:25Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 33:26Speaker 00

  And now it's less than five.

• 33:27Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 33:28Speaker 00

  So that boy, imagine you, the most active boy, the most physical boy, who needed venting.

• 33:33Lewis Howes?

  Was outside all day, all night.

• 33:35Speaker 00

  Yeah. So now he strap him into a chair where all he has is a video console.

• 33:41Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 33:41Speaker 00

  So he is, he is channeling all that male energy.

• 33:45Lewis Howes?

  Into a screen.

• 33:46Speaker 00

  Into a screen and killing and war games. That's how these video game gamers, the producers of these video games, the creators have hijacked our boys, neurobiologists, because they've made these levels and they've made these worlds where they have.

• 34:01Lewis Howes?

  Imaginary conquering, I guess.

• 34:03Speaker 00

  And they have brotherhood.

• 34:05Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, virtual.

• 34:06Speaker 00

  Virtual brotherhood for virtual challenges.

• 34:08Lewis Howes?

  Crazy.

• 34:09Speaker 00

  For fake achievement. But that real energy that's suppressed and coiled in the body has nowhere to go. So then he will pick up that AK forty seven and go shoot up a school. I'm just saying.

• 34:22Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 34:22Speaker 00

  It has to go somewhere.

• 34:24Lewis Howes?

  It's so funny. I saw this video maybe a few months ago of a father in a car talking to his son who was like, I don't know, thirteen or something. And he said, you know what punishment used to be when I was growing up in the eighties or nineties or whatever? He said, being in my room.

• 34:39Speaker 00

  Right.

• 34:40Lewis Howes?

  And not being allowed to go outside was punishment.

• 34:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:43Lewis Howes?

  Because all he wanted to do was go outside and play with our friends. And he goes, really? He goes, I like being in my room and just being on video games. Like I could just be on my, my video game in my room all day forever.

• 34:54Speaker 00

  But look what's happened.

• 34:55Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 34:56Speaker 00

  The outside elements of nature where you're free, you're taking risks, your body is being tested. You're with other children, you are playing in real time and, and learning skills, competence, hierarchy, dominance. For boys, so important. All that is being replaced by a digital algorithm that is keeping the boy feeling, all that physical energy is being suppressed and he's mentally engaging, but that does nothing for him. Yeah, it gives him this addictive dopamine, but not natural dopamine.

• 35:29Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 35:29Speaker 00

  And now he's addicted to that synthetic dopamine, but his body has all this testosterone and nowhere to take it. So boys are shutting down and then comes porn.

• 35:40Lewis Howes?

  Uh huh.

• 35:41Speaker 00

  And then comes the manosphere.

• 35:43Lewis Howes?

  Uh huh.

• 35:43Speaker 00

  Ready to sweep in, you know, the minute an eleven year old boy logs on. The manosphere content comes to the boy, not to the girl, but to the boy.

• 35:54Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 35:54Speaker 00

  Without him realizing, he's been told how to have a square jaw and big biceps, and how to get a girl, and how girls are actually the problem.

• 36:03Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 36:03Speaker 00

  And how if he's rejected, it's not because of him, it's because of the girl. So, look how brilliantly architected they give the boy a channel to displace all their frustration. So the boy who's not going out to the playground, where he's being tested by other boys, where he's been challenged, where he has to deal with rejection and failure, now he's in the video game matrix, barely being tested, because the video game keeps him successful, it keeps him going. Keep winning, a little bit at least, challenging enough, but winning, it's artificial. It's not real skill.

• 36:39Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 36:40Speaker 00

  And then, the manosphere is telling him, all this pent up energy, you know, you have a right to go and get women, and if they don't accept you, even though you've learned no skills, you've been sitting in this chair, when they don't accept you, it's because they are being evil. They are the problem. So our young boys are getting a completely artificial view, and they're lost, our boys are lost. So in my book, I think this book, Raising Conscious Sons, is so on point for today, because we are, we are making boys feel so ashamed, on one hand, of their emotions,

• 37:24Speaker 00

  and on another hand, we give them this caricature of masculinity with big biceps, Popeye style. And they're like, okay, I can't be soft, or I have to be so crazy hard. I don't know who to be in between that. So we're telling boys what not to do, but we're not showing them what conscious masculinity could look like.

• 37:44Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 37:45Speaker 00

  So here, I give them a blueprint.

• 37:46Lewis Howes?

  That's powerful. I don't want to miss what you said about the girls, and you said there was, I think, three main things. First, never call.

• 37:55Lewis Howes?

  Girls emotions dramatic. Second thing you said, they need physical.

• 37:59Speaker 00

  Connection.

• 37:59Lewis Howes?

  Connection and presence. Was there a third thing that for women, for girls?

• 38:03Speaker 00

  Well, I think the, the, the most important thing after that would be to be so careful about how you may inadvertently sexualize as a male figure other women.

• 38:17Lewis Howes?

  What does that mean?

• 38:17Speaker 00

  Because they are picking up how males look at them. They're picking up cues. You know, we've all done this. The male gaze and how they're being treated as an object or as a human. So as a father,

• 38:32Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 38:32Speaker 00

  you have a unique opportunity in how you look at women and how you talk about women's bodies and how you comment on hair and appearance, especially with your wife and how you devote your, your bounty toward their mother will deeply affect their sense of self. So you play a pivotal role in your daughter's self-esteem and self-worth and how she views herself in her body.

• 39:02Lewis Howes?

  Would you say that the father is the main person of a daughter that determines their self-worth?

• 39:11Speaker 00

  Is a primary one, is a primary architect. It would be good if you don't mess that up. But if you're not there, it can be any male figure.

• 39:20Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 39:20Speaker 00

  Right. But of course we want the biological father, but if they're not capable, not able.

• 39:25Lewis Howes?

  The father figure, I mean.

• 39:26Speaker 00

  The father figure. Yeah.

• 39:27Lewis Howes?

  That's what I mean.

• 39:27Speaker 00

  Yes. It, it, the damage, the damage a father figure can cause to a girl is insurmountable, but even to a boy.

• 39:36Lewis Howes?

  Oh, sure.

• 39:36Speaker 00

  Boys need the conscious masculine blueprint.

• 39:40Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 39:40Speaker 00

  So desperately. So basically we need more conscious men. Yes. And women. Yes.

• 39:45Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I've heard that our father treats their, the mother is one of the best predictors of success of how children end up in relationships.

• 39:54Speaker 00

  Yeah. It's powerful.

• 39:56Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 39:56Speaker 00

  Because you can be the antidote to the misogyny of the culture. And if you leave it to culture to teach boys and girls how men and women interact. There's going to be just the perpetuation of oppression. But you have a unique opportunity to undo that through the modeling. Whether you, not you, but whether the father and mother stay together or not is not the point. The point is, how does the man revere and respect the unique role of the, his children's mother?

• 40:31Lewis Howes?

  What would you say are some like, a few things that a father and a husband can do to really set up the success for the health and wellbeing of their daughters or sons with the mother and the things that they should never do with the mother?

• 40:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, I love it.

• 40:49Lewis Howes?

  I'm asking for a friend.

• 40:52Speaker 00

  So I think a father, the most powerful thing a father can do is understand his own shadow. The parts of him that he has been culturally and historically taught to repress. His anger, his sexuality, his judgment, his misogyny, his racism. Especially if he's a white male who's been dominant or his privilege. Uncover and unpack that because there is so much that an unintegrated adult, privileged male. The damage that male can do without realizing it.

• 41:36Speaker 00

  You know, especially a white male who's of privilege. You have the capacity to break, I mean, I'm not putting all this on you, but your position has so much healing potential because it's caused so much harm in the world. So you get to undo that. Talk about brown people, talk about women, talk about sexuality and how women are objectified. Bring it to the table. Teach your son to what conscious restraint means, what conscious sexuality means. Initiate your boy to handle his business in a conscious way without shaming the boy. Initiate your boy into his manhood with beauty and celebration, but also with boundaries and restraint.

• 42:21Speaker 00

  Teach him to respect when a girl says no, there is no ambiguity. Teach him to wait for the yes. Teach him what respect means around women's bodies, right? So you can show all this and you can teach your daughter. How to not objectify herself?

• 42:36Lewis Howes?

  Hmm. That's the thing I think I'm most worried about or concerned about is ensuring that my daughters protect their bodies. You know what I mean? And like making sure that they really value their bodies. I think that's the thing I'm probably most, I don't know, afraid of, but just worried about with all the influences that they're going to experience from society, friends, online stuff, whatever it might be.

• 43:03Lewis Howes?

  How can I, as a father, set my daughters up the best way possible to ensure they protect their bodies?

• 43:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:10Lewis Howes?

  And their self-worth around their bodies.

• 43:13Speaker 00

  Yes. Yes. We are in an era of artificial female empowerment, where OnlyFans as a symbol is seen as sexual empowerment and emancipation.

• 43:27Lewis Howes?

  How damaging is that?

• 43:28Speaker 00

  How damaging, because it's really patriarchy again, the toxic patriarchy.

• 43:32Lewis Howes?

  Isn't that interesting?

• 43:32Speaker 00

  Again.

• 43:33Lewis Howes?

  But what is, so how damaging is OnlyFans mentality and culture?

• 43:38Speaker 00

  For the girl.

• 43:39Lewis Howes?

  For the girl.

• 43:39Speaker 00

  For the girl who is the OnlyFan.

• 43:41Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 43:41Speaker 00

  Who thinks she's so empowered.

• 43:42Lewis Howes?

  How damaging is that?

• 43:43Speaker 00

  Because she now makes money at an 10x. So she thinks she's empowered. Now, I'm not saying it's not great to have money like that and all power to you.

• 43:54Lewis Howes?

  What does that do for the psychology of a woman?

• 43:56Speaker 00

  But she's not understanding that she's still earning her money through her own objectification and handing it to the male. So then at least just know that that's what you're doing. Don't pretend you're not doing exactly what you're upset that the toxic patriarchy does.

• 44:12Lewis Howes?

  So a lot of women, this, I'm glad you're saying this, but a lot of women aren't going to like what you're saying.

• 44:15Speaker 00

  I know that. Yeah.

• 44:16Lewis Howes?

  But it's true.

• 44:17Speaker 00

  Yeah. I'm not saying don't do it, but know what you're doing. You are objectifying your own body, handing it to the toxic patriarchy and then upset with the toxic patriarchy when the toxic patriarchy objectifies you.

• 44:30Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 44:31Speaker 00

  That's all I'm saying.

• 44:32Lewis Howes?

  Then don't be upset.

• 44:32Speaker 00

  Because you are participating readily and making money of it at your own objectification. So own it then. Go, I am working with the toxic patriarchy toward my own objectification.

• 44:43Lewis Howes?

  That's not going to heal the world.

• 44:45Speaker 00

  No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. But this is what our daughters are watching, right? I have Sony twenty-two-year-olds who come to me and go, they want to be. On OnlyFans.

• 44:53Lewis Howes?

  What is the statistic of women on OnlyFans? Do we know?

• 44:56Speaker 00

  I mean, it is, it is more than you want to, between twenty and thirty. I think it's, it's appalling numbers. I don't have the exact statistic because people won't say.

• 45:06Lewis Howes?

  Between women in their twenties and thirties.

• 45:08Speaker 00

  Yes, it is a thing, it's an aspiration to do. And you know how many married, white, American, married, married, married men are on OnlyFans? They are the highest population.

• 45:17Lewis Howes?

  Spending the money.

• 45:18Speaker 00

  Yes, yeah, because they have the money, yeah.

• 45:19Lewis Howes?

  I mean, my wife has access to my phone, so she knows I'm not on there. But it's, it's, but I could see how addictive it could be. I could see how addictive it could be.

• 45:28Speaker 00

  But let's go below, let's go, let's go beneath it. Let's go beneath what's happening, right? It's one thing to judge it.

• 45:34Lewis Howes?

  Of course.

• 45:34Speaker 00

  But it's another thing to understand it.

• 45:36Lewis Howes?

  It's.

• 45:36Speaker 00

  Let's understand it.

• 45:38Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 45:38Speaker 00

  Right? Why is it addictive, right? It's addictive for the same reason a video game is addictive. It provides instant dopamine, no rejection, no failure, there's no failure in porn. So our, our sons are watching girls bending over, making sounds, always willing, there's no foreplay, there's no skill. So our boys are thinking.

• 45:58Lewis Howes?

  It's no rejection.

• 45:59Speaker 00

  What's wrong with you? You're supposed to act like that, you know, and always want me. So this is why it's addictive. It's addictive because it creates this psychologically comfortable world, which is a simulation of reality. If I pay my OnlyFans friend, how much? I don't even know, fifty dollars a month. She will do anything for me that my wife gives me trouble for because I didn't, I didn't clean the dishes. Now I have to deal with reality. I don't want to deal with reality. So there's a mass exodus from reality, you know? In traditional prostitution, I'm just saying, this is not, we're not going down there, but there was at least a human being. This is a screen and soon it'll be robots. So what does that do?

• 46:38Speaker 00

  It takes away real life failure, real life friction, real life skill building, resilience, grit. It creates entitlement, it creates, creates apathy, restlessness, boredom. And where does all this energy go, right? It is going to explode in perversion.

• 46:57Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 46:57Speaker 00

  And we are seeing that.

• 46:59Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 46:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:01Lewis Howes?

  I mean, again, everyone's making their own choices. I've made a lot of mistakes in my past. So I'm not here to judge anyone who's either paying for it or getting paid for this. But on a psychological and emotional level.

• 47:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:13Lewis Howes?

  If a girl in her late teens, twenties or thirties is going on any platform to receive money for their body, sexually, you know, nudity, things like that. What is that doing to them psychologically and emotionally or spiritually? And how does that affect them in real world intimacy and relationships?

• 47:34Speaker 00

  Well, they are fully participating at the level of transaction. And they need to understand that they're not transacting computational skills or medical skills for money. They are transacting their body. It's another form of barter and exchange. No judgment, but they need to know what they're doing. And when you do it over and over, when it is your actual body, right? It's not a skill. It's my body. And for a female, it's a penetration. It's a, it's, you know, it's, it's a lot of physical interaction. At some level, there has to be a dissociation to survive it, right?

• 48:15Lewis Howes?

  Even if it's not a physical transaction, but a more OnlyFans transaction.

• 48:20Speaker 00

  Correct. Even if it's only on, but many times it blurs, right? Yeah, I'm sure it does. Yes. Because you have to produce content, right?

• 48:27Lewis Howes?

  Right, right. With someone else.

• 48:28Speaker 00

  With someone else. Louis.

• 48:31Lewis Howes?

  I'm just thinking of a woman just getting naked or something.

• 48:33Speaker 00

  No, no, no. There's action, a lot of action and variety. And so, so that woman has to dissociate on some level. And it does have its own cost. But again, we can't judge it. We have to understand it. Right? We don't want to put anybody down.

• 48:47Lewis Howes?

  No.

• 48:47Speaker 00

  It's up to them to, to figure out what works for them.

• 48:51Lewis Howes?

  But I guess what's the consequence then in intimacy in real world relationships?

• 48:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:56Lewis Howes?

  When someone does that year after year.

• 48:58Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah. We don't know, but it, it is, it is bound to have an effect, right? It, what the effect is, I don't think it's positive, but, but hey, you know, after 10 years of doing it, it could be like, I'm so fed up of this. I want real intimacy. So we can't say that how the person will evolve and turn it around. But in that moment, to, to be an object of desire for money over and over and over is bound to come at the price of connection.

• 49:30Lewis Howes?

  What if for women watching or listening is thinking, you know what? You know, I'm doing this and I'm making generational wealth. And it's freed me from having to go get a job that I could, I would be working so hard to make any money. And it's given me freedom and flexibility and it's my body, I can do whatever I want. And so it's given me this life that I could never have doing any other job. What would you say to a woman who says that to you?

• 49:58Speaker 00

  I would say if that's your conscious choice and you're clear that it's a transaction and you're willing to pay the price of extreme objectification, no one can stop you. But do not think it is liberation and sexual female emancipation. You are playing into the oldest game in the world.

• 50:20Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 50:21Speaker 00

  And do it with consciousness. No other woman should judge them, but they have to figure it out for themselves. But don't call it sexual liberation when you're playing the same notes of, of female male dynamics.

• 50:35Lewis Howes?

  Why is it not sexual liberation when so many women are saying that?

• 50:38Speaker 00

  Only because it comes at the cost of that transaction. Meaning it's not, it's, it's not you on your own. It's not your autonomous sovereign. You won't do it for a dollar. You're doing it for the fifty dollars. You're doing it for the five hundred dollars. So it's the transaction.

• 50:55Lewis Howes?

  It's when you exchange for money.

• 50:57Speaker 00

  Right, it's not sexual liberation because that's my authentic truth.

• 51:00Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 51:00Speaker 00

  Come, I want to do it in the park.

• 51:02Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 51:03Speaker 00

  That is autonomous sexual sovereignty. This is clearly transactional. So as long as you know that it is for the money, I won't do it for two dollars, I'll do it for two million.

• 51:12Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 51:13Speaker 00

  No, so that's not sexual emancipation, that's very good business savvy.

• 51:17Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 51:18Speaker 00

  Right, I'm trading my body for money, but it has to have a price, of course, yes. So, and that's okay, as long as you know it, but don't call it, you're doing it because you're sexually liberated. No, you're doing it because you figured out the formula.

• 51:32Lewis Howes?

  I mean, let's take it down the next path. For women or men getting involved in selling themselves for money, their bodies for money, whether it be them interacting on videos or them just doing it solo and selling themselves. They're selling a body for money. And then they have kids and their kids grow up knowing that mom or dad does this. How does that affect the psychology or the emotions of the children of parents who sell themselves for their body?

• 52:05Speaker 00

  I think the parents have to create a very clear narrative. They can't leave it to the imagination of the child or culture. You must express your purpose behind it. When I leave my house to go on a job, which takes me away for two weeks, I have to explain it. I have to have a narrative. I have to have a mission. I have to have a coherence. So however, the parent needs to do that. Hey, I did this because I want to create generational wealth. Hey, I did this because that's all I know how to do. Have a narrative that allows your child to understand your personal impetus, your personal motivation. So you don't leave it to their imagination because it's too much.

• 52:49Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it's a lot.

• 52:49Speaker 00

  It's a lot and you don't want them to necessarily feel that that's the quickest, best way to do things, right? So if you over glamorize it or if you, you know, you have to allow the child to understand your motivation, but they have other choices.

• 53:03Lewis Howes?

  What if someone's like, you know what? It's between making, you know, seven dollars an hour and giving my whole life to this other thing or being financially free?

• 53:10Speaker 00

  I said, all power to you. Just know that you're doing it for the transaction. You're earning money this way, which happens to be a way that falls into what you complain about. The patriarchy will do to your daughter. Just know that.

• 53:26Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, that's a challenge. I mean, the more you talk about these things, the more I'm worried about my daughters in society. And I'm curious, like, I feel like I have a pretty good game plan, you know, like so far, but I'm sure things are going to throw me off. I'm sure. And it's being prepared for the unexpected is what I'm also trying to prepare for.

• 53:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, you know, there's a saying that God laughs at the most, especially of the parent.

• 53:53Lewis Howes?

  Exactly. And I'm sure that, you know, stuff's going to be thrown my way. If you could coach me and give me advice or any parent who's got young daughters.

• 54:03Lewis Howes?

  What would you have me do in the first few years of life?

• 54:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:06Lewis Howes?

  To try to set myself up for the best possible environment scenario? So that they can thrive into coming home to their true self, which is what I think you said.

• 54:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:16Lewis Howes?

  Being a parent is about.

• 54:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:18Lewis Howes?

  Is getting your kids to come home to who they truly are.

• 54:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. It's very easy and very difficult. Okay, so the easy part.

• 54:27Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 54:27Speaker 00

  Is you have to be safe. You have to light up. You have to connect. You have to be attuned. You have to be there. It's easy. The difficult part is you have to ensure with intentionality that you are not attaching to their doing. So if they're dancing well and you're like, oh, my God, you're such a good dancer. And then she sees daddy light up because she's a good dancer. She's going to inch towards that approval. You have to, that's the difficult part.

• 54:59Lewis Howes?

  So how do you, how do you navigate it to celebrating them?

• 55:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 55:04Lewis Howes?

  Without emphasizing on the task of celebration.

• 55:08Speaker 00

  Really hard. It's, it's a decision you make that for the first seven to eight years. This is just a formula. I'm not telling people.

• 55:14Lewis Howes?

  No.

• 55:15Speaker 00

  It's just a way of looking at it. For the first seven to eight years, I am not going to focus on the doing. I'm just not, even though she's showing promise of being a world-class skier or tambourine player or salsa dancer, right? Like you are. I am not going to emphasize the doing. I'm going to stay unimpressed.

• 55:38Lewis Howes?

  That neutral.

• 55:39Speaker 00

  Unimpressed.

• 55:39Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 55:40Speaker 00

  No, lovely. You can clap and laugh and, but you're not pushing it.

• 55:44Lewis Howes?

  You're not like, ah.

• 55:45Speaker 00

  And then taking them for professional singing classes and then enrolling them in baseball.

• 55:49Lewis Howes?

  You're not pushing it.

• 55:50Speaker 00

  Because that's not the focus. The focus right now is just exposure and range and play. And, and being in their body.

• 56:00Lewis Howes?

  First seven, eight years, yeah.

• 56:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, you're happy.

• 56:02Lewis Howes?

  Eight years, then you like drive them into success.

• 56:05Speaker 00

  But here's the thing.

• 56:06Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 56:06Speaker 00

  Look what happens when you take a kid who is playing with sticks and stones in the park.

• 56:12Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 56:12Speaker 00

  And is really good with sticks and stones, like they can make forts. They can play baseball. They are hitting the goal with sticks and stones.

• 56:19Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 56:20Speaker 00

  Now you put that kid into regimented baseball with a coach. Do you see the difference between him being in his body in the sticks and stones? And then being on the field? It's he he is now performing.

• 56:32Lewis Howes?

  Uh huh.

• 56:32Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 56:33Lewis Howes?

  Stop playing.

• 56:33Speaker 00

  He's not playing.

• 56:34Lewis Howes?

  Pressure now.

• 56:34Speaker 00

  Yeah. So this earlier and earlier advent of movement from play to performance, a child's natural being to performance is the fracture.

• 56:46Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 56:47Speaker 00

  But no one wants to wait till eight because by then everyone's already at Carnegie Hall and playing baseball. Yes, I say the story of when I took my daughter at age eight for a dance class. Okay, Louis, I thought I'm so advanced because in India there was nothing. So I'm thinking I'm super advanced, eight years old. I'm taking her to the local dance studio. Okay, the woman looks at me and I'm very intimidated because this is such an American thing. And she says, oh, okay, your daughter's eight. Okay, good, good, good. We'll put her with the two year olds. So I said, no, no, no.

• 57:19Lewis Howes?

  She's eight.

• 57:20Speaker 00

  My daughter's eight. She's like, sweetheart, nobody learns dance at eight. So I went, where was the memo? She said, no, they're already very advanced by eight. So she can only learn dancing with the two year olds.

• 57:35Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 57:36Speaker 00

  Yes, so I had to enroll her in solo activities like tennis and horse riding because I was so behind the curve. And I did not know this, like, parents are on the money. They are on it. It's a profession. Parenthood has become a profession.

• 57:51Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 57:52Speaker 00

  And parents take it very seriously. If you look at the football little league.

• 57:56Lewis Howes?

  And they're probably doing it from like the idea of like, I want my kids to have the best

• 58:00Speaker 00

  An early start.

• 58:01Lewis Howes?

  Right? I want them to have the best opportunity to succeed in life.

• 58:04Speaker 00

  But are we creating an athlete? Right? We are.

• 58:07Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 58:08Speaker 00

  Are we creating the Ivy League student? Yes, we are. We're not raising children. We are raising an adult, but we're not raising an adult. We're raising a child and children need to be in their body and play.

• 58:22Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 58:23Speaker 00

  And play is a child's work. And the minute you take them out of play and make them actually work, you've actually short circuited their natural development and taken them out of connection with their body into the doing space.

• 58:41Lewis Howes?

  What about helping with like, you know, picking up after your toys or like chores or whatever? Like, that's not work then. It's like, that's helpful work.

• 58:49Speaker 00

  But also, you don't have to flip the hell out, you know? It's not, of course, they're contributing, they're part of a system. But you don't have to go crazy either. The house does, will not be clean and just accept it.

• 59:01Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah, no. But I mean, like, taking them out of play and having them still have to do some

• 59:05Speaker 00

  Of course.

• 59:05Lewis Howes?

  tidying and learning.

• 59:06Speaker 00

  They have to still brush their teeth, but everything through play. If you can do everything through play, you will have success. But play takes presence from the parent.

• 59:15Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 59:15Speaker 00

  It's much easier to say, I'll punish you, go do it yourself, go do it now. Versus saying, let's make a game out of it. I had a mother come to me recently with, I think, three or four boys. And she was haggard. She was like, I'm about to shoot myself. Help me. So I go, okay, you were waiting for the girl, weren't you? She was like, yes. And she said, I'm not taking the risk of another child because you got four boys, right? And I told her that if you don't make every activity some sort of adventure

• 59:43Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 59:43Speaker 00

  or hurdle

• 59:44Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 59:45Speaker 00

  or scavenger, a challenge, you will be fighting them. Because all that physical energy, before they brush their teeth, needs to tumble and search and hunt and look. Send them into the garden to look for the toothpaste, to look for the toothbrush, to look for

• 1:00:00Lewis Howes?

  An adventure.

• 1:00:01Speaker 00

  An adventure. Exhaust them. Or play with them. Make it a competition. Make it something that speaks to the boys' energy. But our boys are being wildly domesticated. And their, their testosterone cannot be harnessed. And we want our boys to sit in circle with like the girls.

• 1:00:21Lewis Howes?

  Sit still for eight hours. It's not possible.

• 1:00:23Speaker 00

  It is not possible. So our education system is anti-male neurochemistry.

• 1:00:29Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I feel like it really, I suffered because of the system.

• 1:00:33Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:00:33Lewis Howes?

  You know, it's like, I don't blame.

• 1:00:34Speaker 00

  That is not how you should have learned.

• 1:00:36Lewis Howes?

  No.

• 1:00:36Speaker 00

  You learn through your body.

• 1:00:37Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:00:38Speaker 00

  Most children learn through their bodies, especially boys who are all body. Right? Body, boys are bottom up, girls are top down. And that's why girls can sit and be coordinated much earlier. And their executive functioning turns on much earlier. So. One in five boys, I think, are diagnosed with ADHD. And then the pipeline to medication, then the pipeline to diagnoses, then the pipeline to always feeling lesser than and not good enough starts early.

• 1:01:08Lewis Howes?

  Man.

• 1:01:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:09Lewis Howes?

  So up until eight, play, play, play. What's the next phase?

• 1:01:13Speaker 00

  Twelve.

• 1:01:14Lewis Howes?

  Eight to twelve.

• 1:01:15Speaker 00

  No, I'm saying to twelve. No, you can't do it.

• 1:01:17Lewis Howes?

  Twelve.

• 1:01:17Speaker 00

  Okay, till, no, no, I'm teasing.

• 1:01:18Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 1:01:18Speaker 00

  At least till eight.

• 1:01:19Lewis Howes?

  At least eight, but keep going as long as you can.

• 1:01:21Speaker 00

  Because what are we trying to create here? Are you trying to create an Olympian? Right? Read the bio histories of every Olympian. They'll have some deep depression or drug abuse. I mean, do I have to say about Tiger Woods and the price? You know, all these superstars have paid. So what are we trying to do here? You want to be a parent of an Olympian. You want to be the parent of a superstar. So you didn't just become a parent, not you. But the average parent is not just becoming a parent. They're becoming a, they want to be a parent of a superstar.

• 1:01:53Lewis Howes?

  A performer.

• 1:01:54Speaker 00

  To a performer.

• 1:01:55Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 1:01:56Speaker 00

  Even though all their life, they hated performing and see the ravaging effects of it. But we repeat the cycle.

• 1:02:03Lewis Howes?

  So play, play, play. Is there that next season of life, though, that we should be thinking about?

• 1:02:07Speaker 00

  Then you need to be aware that your daughter is entering pre-adolescence. And her hormones are going to turn on. She's going to be more acutely sensitive to nuance, to body language, to eye contact, to rejection. Rejection will feel physical to her.

• 1:02:27Lewis Howes?

  So how can I, as a father?

• 1:02:29Speaker 00

  Teach her.

• 1:02:29Lewis Howes?

  Teach her?

• 1:02:30Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:02:31Lewis Howes?

  To, about?

• 1:02:33Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:02:33Lewis Howes?

  That season of life?

• 1:02:34Speaker 00

  I will tell.

• 1:02:34Lewis Howes?

  To not give in to any man, to like, make sure she really protects herself, creates boundaries, says no, and is?

• 1:02:41Speaker 00

  So I talk about these pillars in my book.

• 1:02:44Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 1:02:45Speaker 00

  And the most important pillars for a girl, and I'll just run through them fast. The first one is the pillar of voice, voice. Allowing a girl to know she has a right to her inner voice. That means you don't give her answers. You teach her to tune into what her body is saying. You don't, you don't tell her, eat your food. You ask her, what is your body saying? What, what, when does your body want to eat? You teach her that her inner knowing is there, we're going to cultivate it. At, at two years old, it looks like. You want fried egg or you want scrambled egg? You want yellow shoes or blue shoes? Very simple. But she begins to learn that she has an inner voice

• 1:03:28Speaker 00

  and her parents want her to actualize it.

• 1:03:31Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 1:03:32Speaker 00

  The next one is embodiment. The pillar of embodiment, which means she must learn body integrity and that her body belongs to her. So whether grandma wants to kiss her, whether daddy wants to tickle her, if she says no, her body belongs to her. Right? And this ties into boundaries, right? Conscious boundaries where she needs to understand that she is a finite being with with finite energy and she can displease others. So this is where boundaries comes in.

• 1:04:05Lewis Howes?

  So to ask you a follow up there. I know one of the main things you talked about was um

• 1:04:12Lewis Howes?

  you girls need physical connection and presence.

• 1:04:15Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:04:15Lewis Howes?

  So as a father.

• 1:04:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:04:17Lewis Howes?

  At this moment, there are six months. I'm hugging them, I'm kissing them. You know, it's like I'm there with them. How do I make sure that I don't cross a boundary as a father?

• 1:04:26Speaker 00

  Right.

• 1:04:26Lewis Howes?

  So that my daughters feel safe with me, but also communicating them what's safe with others.

• 1:04:31Speaker 00

  It's about how much you're listening.

• 1:04:33Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 1:04:33Speaker 00

  How much you're allowing them to listen to their inner voice? So before jumping in with an answer, you're you're listening. What do you feel? How do you feel? Talk to me. You know, what what's one of your daughter's names?

• 1:04:45Lewis Howes?

  Aliana.

• 1:04:45Speaker 00

  Aliana? Aliana asks daddy, you know, daddy, what should I eat? And you can so easily say what to eat. But you say, hmm, what does Aliana want? And she was, I don't know. So you said, look inside. What does little Aliana want? And you teach her the skills through your presence. You can only do it if you're present.

• 1:05:04Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:05:05Speaker 00

  You can only do it if you're not in a hurry. Because if in a hurry, you're like eat the beans. Yeah, yeah.

• 1:05:09Lewis Howes?

  But I guess more on like the physical touch side of things, physical connection.

• 1:05:12Speaker 00

  Yeah. You can, you know, as she grows older, you can knock on her door. You can say, you know, I wanna hug you, can I, you know?

• 1:05:21Lewis Howes?

  Okay. What age is that, I guess?

• 1:05:24Speaker 00

  Six or seven, you know, as you'll see, you'll see.

• 1:05:27Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 1:05:28Speaker 00

  And with this new generation, it could be four or five, because they're so smart. They're so clever. Like, my daughter will tell me, and she's twenty-three, but she would say things like, I do not want your advice or opinion. I'm just telling you because I respect you, like, stay in your lane.

• 1:05:45Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:05:46Speaker 00

  So, things like that. That means, so, voice, embodiment, enoughness, that she is enough as she is. Right? That's the whole human being. You don't have to do anything. You don't need to be a superstar to make me happy. You don't need to be a perfection, perfectionist to make me happy. You are a work in progress and I accept you as you are. The more mistakes you make, the more I accept you. You are free and safe, right? Giving that feeling of, oh, my goodness, we made a mistake. Oops, you know, and here's daddy making a mistake, showing that you are enough.

• 1:06:19Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 1:06:20Speaker 00

  We talked about boundaries, that she's allowed to say no to you. If a father allows a daughter to rebel against him, no daddy. And, and the father goes, wow, I like that you use your voice. You have now given her a prototype on how to handle the patriarchy.

• 1:06:37Lewis Howes?

  Oh, that's good.

• 1:06:38Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:06:39Lewis Howes?

  As opposed to what do some fathers do to daughters when they rebel against?

• 1:06:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, maybe they can say something like, you're being irrational, you're being stupid, that's not smart. No, the fact that she's pushing against you, even if it's a bad decision. The act and exercise of regulating and, and activating that muscle of daring to speak up to a six-foot-plus father. She's bold now.

• 1:07:04Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:07:04Speaker 00

  You know, and the mother can empower her, and how the mother talks to you, that the mother is not scared of the father. And the father backs off, not capitulate, but backs off. You are now teaching her that, that strength doesn't mean that I have to, you know, give my power away. Strength means I can share power. Right? You, as a male, can share power. You're not giving it away, but you're not holding it. You're not dominant and, and tyrannical. You're sharing power. When you allow your seven-year-old to say, no daddy. I don't like when you do that. And you go, tell me more. I wanna hear. I'm interested in knowing how I did wrong.

• 1:07:48Speaker 00

  Now she's going, wow, I can tell a male to back off me? But how will she learn to tell her male boss to back off her? So she practices with you. And then I have other pillars I talk about just quickly. I talk about her having anti-fragility. So anti-fragility means that

• 1:08:10Speaker 00

  this is more something I see women do, mothers do, rushing in to fix and rescue.

• 1:08:16Lewis Howes?

  A lot of moms do this?

• 1:08:17Speaker 00

  Typically, but you may do it too. You may have a hard time saying no to your daughter. So you rush in to say yes. This is my number one problem is I just rescue.

• 1:08:27Lewis Howes?

  You do.

• 1:08:28Speaker 00

  I do. This has been my biggest nemesis to get over is to like, oh, I could not just give the answer, you know? It's been really hard. I've had to train myself and I, I, she can manipulate me so, yeah. But I know that this is my nemesis. I know what it is. It's on the blackboard, you know? But anti-fragility means not rushing to rescue. Doesn't mean you create chaos. But you pause and have confidence that your child is competent, even at two.

• 1:09:00Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:09:00Speaker 00

  So you wait, you let them struggle with the cap and you let them spill the milk and you let them, within reason.

• 1:09:07Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah. Not for hours.

• 1:09:08Speaker 00

  No, no, no. You'll, you'll know when the child's nervous system is overwhelmed, you will know. But you know, when it's the fake, wait a little bit, a little bit slowly. And I'm not saying let them cry it out. I'm not talking about letting them get to overwhelm. But let them, let them struggle a little bit. And when they struggle, see it as you're building skills, you know? So in my divorce, one of the hardest things for me as a mother was that my daughter struggled. I mean, I, I would have undone the divorce, married because I couldn't take it.

• 1:09:45Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:09:45Speaker 00

  My guilt, my projection. Actually, she struggled way less than I struggled.

• 1:09:50Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:09:50Speaker 00

  Because my projection.

• 1:09:52Lewis Howes?

  Of her struggle.

• 1:09:52Speaker 00

  Of her struggle. Because I couldn't take myself as a struggle giver, right? I'm, I can't.

• 1:09:58Lewis Howes?

  I caused you to struggle.

• 1:10:00Speaker 00

  Even though I didn't and it wasn't only me and. But I had to really learn to see the strength it gave her, right? And that she did develop muscles that have made her so powerful. I'm not saying everyone should do this to their children, but there is beauty in the struggle. Competence grows from struggle. You have to practice struggle, you know, and that's so hard for parents who fix, who are very empathic. Like me, it's hard for me, but in this generation, because everything is at the fingertips, Uber Eats. You know, our children will complain, you'll see that the Uber Eats driver messed up the delivery. Yes, and you're like, are you kidding me, right?

• 1:10:44Speaker 00

  Or Amazon sent the wrong delivery in six hours, right? So they have no resilience for things going wrong. The world is becoming more and more at their fingertips. So they they wait less for buses, cars, for life. They don't wait anymore.

• 1:10:59Lewis Howes?

  No.

• 1:10:59Speaker 00

  They're not bored, so they don't activate their own skills and creativity and imagination. They don't need to be creative. Now they can just go into Chat G P T, why be creative? Why write a poem when Chat G P T can write a better poem? So look at the effects on their own skills. So this is creating apathy and listlessness in our children. And literally, our children are collapsing because they have no skills. They they don't know how to talk to people. I had a twenty four year old come to me looking for a job. So I said, oh, tell me what you've done. She said, well, I sent my resume everywhere.

• 1:11:34Speaker 00

  I said, what else? She said, I sent it, no, like to seventy five places.

• 1:11:38Lewis Howes?

  And?

• 1:11:38Speaker 00

  And?

• 1:11:38Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:39Speaker 00

  I said, you didn't go to the places, you didn't go in person? She's like, go in person? I said, yes, you don't leave, you make sure you make contact. Did you serve? Did you volunteer? Did you work for free? They're like, work for free? My daughter just got an internship, she's complaining constantly. Can you believe they're not paying me? I go, why would they pay you? You're just starting out.

• 1:12:03Lewis Howes?

  Skills yet, yeah.

• 1:12:04Speaker 00

  But they have entitlement because they've seen influencers making two hundred thousand dollars at eighteen. They've seen influencers flying in private jets, so they're thinking this is the world. But our children have a distorted, your your daughters will have a completely distorted reality. And when they go to get their first job. And people look at them and go, we're gonna start at six dollars an hour. Given that we'll have an economy, they will be aghast. And also, you are raising them in reaction to your childhood.

• 1:12:35Lewis Howes?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:12:35Speaker 00

  So you're giving them the world.

• 1:12:37Lewis Howes?

  I've created a life for myself now that I didn't have. And how do you communicate to parents who have created abundance?

• 1:12:45Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:12:46Lewis Howes?

  To not give their kids abundance.

• 1:12:48Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:12:49Lewis Howes?

  But to teach them how to appreciate the abundance they have.

• 1:12:53Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:12:53Lewis Howes?

  And how to go create it for themselves.

• 1:12:55Speaker 00

  And not take it for granted.

• 1:12:56Lewis Howes?

  How do you teach that?

• 1:12:57Speaker 00

  And not be entitled.

• 1:12:58Lewis Howes?

  And not spoil them too much? Or how do you teach that?

• 1:13:01Speaker 00

  You have to constantly remind your children, this is something that mom and dad worked for. And this comes with a lot of effort and let them see the effort. You know, see that this is, this is what it takes. And then whenever you can, ask them to start earning something, you know, contributing or. It's extremely hard because we have overcorrected from our past. We've gone.

• 1:13:25Lewis Howes?

  You shouldn't give them everything you didn't have.

• 1:13:27Speaker 00

  But, but our lifestyle gives them everything.

• 1:13:30Lewis Howes?

  It's true.

• 1:13:30Speaker 00

  The exposure, it's already inbuilt. So it's not about not living a beautiful, abundant life. It's just constantly bringing to their awareness that this game had a huge cost that you haven't seen. And really educating them. Travel, right, is a great way. Go to India, go to, if you can, since you have the wealth.

• 1:13:52Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:13:52Speaker 00

  Show them as much exposure to contrast, to friction. And create friction in their life a little bit, like a little friction is okay.

• 1:14:00Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:01Speaker 00

  Like let them cry a little bit, let them deal with finding resilience. We just give them the answer so they're not finding resilience. So you have to let them struggle. So if your child is struggling, oh my goodness, my sister, you, they have twins, they'll fight over clothes. My sister took the clothes. Let them have the, let them duke it out, like let them feel the pain of that. Or the A C isn't working, you know? What the hell?

• 1:14:29Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:29Speaker 00

  Let them sit in that a bit, you know?

• 1:14:32Lewis Howes?

  Sweat.

• 1:14:33Speaker 00

  Create friction because we have so anesthetized the world. There is no friction. You know? Even we can't handle friction. How long can you wait for an Uber before losing it, right? Because we've lost the ability to have delayed gratification. And that creates weakness. We are weaker mentally. We are unstable. Too much abundance and privilege and padding has made us fragile. You know?

• 1:15:03Lewis Howes?

  And so anti fragility is was the fifth pillar. Was there another one?

• 1:15:08Speaker 00

  There's two more. There's sovereignty and sisterhood. Sovereignty is connected to what we've been talking about, but it's really about self authorship. They get to decide their greatness. You cannot project it onto your child. So greatness could be a cobbler. Greatness could be a superstar. Greatness could be a chef. Greatness could be a mom. So as long as they understand that it comes with consequences, as everything does, they are the authors of their life. And then the last one is sisterhood, which you will see with your you. You literally have a sisterhood.

• 1:15:48Lewis Howes?

  Hopefully they create a healthy sisterhood.

• 1:15:49Speaker 00

  Yes, so because the toxic patriarchy has divided and ruled, women compete with each other. We want to.

• 1:16:00Lewis Howes?

  Because of men, women compete?

• 1:16:02Speaker 00

  Well, because of the system.

• 1:16:03Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 1:16:04Speaker 00

  The system has taken so much power away from us and taken all the power into the male. Now we are left scrambling and we've lost connectivity, right? So we want to be the chosen. We want to be the best. We want to be picked and we are we're seeing each other as a threat. This is inbuilt in the post industrial era. And you we have to teach us girls that their greatest allies are not the lover, the male lover, not the male. And I'm not saying anti male, but just become more pro female. You have sisters and cultivating that is important. So how the mother does that? How the mother has friends?

• 1:16:48Speaker 00

  How the father reveres women and nurtures the sisterhood?

• 1:16:53Lewis Howes?

  Not in a sexual way.

• 1:16:54Speaker 00

  No, no, no, no, no. As as connections is going to be vital for your children.

• 1:17:01Speaker 00

  Women and girls and daughters need our sisters.

• 1:17:06Lewis Howes?

  Sisterhood, yeah, without competition.

• 1:17:07Speaker 00

  And men need and boys need their brotherhood.

• 1:17:09Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:10Speaker 00

  And boys don't have their brotherhood. Let me tell you a quick story about boys.

• 1:17:13Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:17:14Speaker 00

  I had a group of mothers come to me. It fascinated me to no end. Their sons were between twelve and fourteen. The boys were disappearing at night, sneaking out of the house together. Yeah, together and forming like a club and and roaming the streets.

• 1:17:35Lewis Howes?

  Kind of cool.

• 1:17:36Speaker 00

  In the subway, right.

• 1:17:38Lewis Howes?

  As long as they're not doing something illegal, but yeah.

• 1:17:40Speaker 00

  Creating their own band.

• 1:17:41Lewis Howes?

  That's kind of cool.

• 1:17:42Speaker 00

  Of soldiers.

• 1:17:42Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:43Speaker 00

  Their brotherhood.

• 1:17:43Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:44Speaker 00

  And the mothers were losing it.

• 1:17:46Lewis Howes?

  I think it's cool.

• 1:17:47Speaker 00

  And most, but because it was dangerous, it was in subways, you know. And the mothers were mostly single mothers.

• 1:17:53Lewis Howes?

  Hmm, oh, yeah.

• 1:17:55Speaker 00

  And because these boys were not being initiated by a brotherhood of elderly men, of brothers, of fathers, of uncles, they were left to find it for themselves.

• 1:18:05Lewis Howes?

  I see what you're saying, yeah.

• 1:18:06Speaker 00

  And this is the formation of gangs and cults.

• 1:18:08Lewis Howes?

  I see what you're saying.

• 1:18:10Speaker 00

  Boys need strong men in front of them to transmit the wisdom of initiation.

• 1:18:18Lewis Howes?

  What happens if a single mom raises boys and they don't have a father figure in their house? For whatever reason, they don't have a father figure. And they only have a single mom, but they haven't introduced to an uncle or a brother or some other father figure of some good intention. What happens to the young boy typically?

• 1:18:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, so what I've seen in my, the cases I've worked with, several things, very important. And again, parents are not going to like what I'm saying, but it's kind of a pattern. The single mother usually comes with her own grief and trauma at the hands of male anger and violence.

• 1:18:58Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:18:59Speaker 00

  She's been betrayed, she's been hurt, she's been abandoned, she's bitter. She's weathered many storms of male violence and anger.

• 1:19:08Speaker 00

  Right, one in five girls are sexually molested by a male by the age of twelve.

• 1:19:13Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:19:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, I was many times by the age of twelve.

• 1:19:16Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:19:16Speaker 00

  So we're carrying legacies in our body, right? Now we ra- we raise these sons. At some level, I have it toward my daughter, there is a projection. And I project onto my wild boy, who's just being a boy. He's goofy, he's silly, maybe he's masturbating in bed, he doesn't know, he doesn't know what to do with his body and no one is showing him. She's seeing this as a threat. I've seen so many single mothers clamp boys' energy and project without meaning to. So much rage, like you will not talk to me like that.

• 1:19:52Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:19:52Speaker 00

  You will not be one more male who perpetuates me. Now that boy is just being a boy and needs containment and needs help to channel his wild physical self. He doesn't need punishment, scorn, and then the mother disconnects.

• 1:20:08Lewis Howes?

  Shame, yeah.

• 1:20:09Speaker 00

  Shame. So that's a common thing. Then that mother is at a loss. She's like, what do I do with this boy? You know, he's masturbating every day, I don't know how to talk to him, I don't know what's going on with him. He's looking at porn, he's looking at girls, he's touching my breasts, whatever it is. All this sexual energy, she's threatened by, and it's not her place. She doesn't know how to talk to him.

• 1:20:30Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:30Speaker 00

  Then she's exhausted, she's tired. And this energy is, and she's raising him in a city and no dual income, and she's exhausted. He's exhausted, she's exhausted, they're clashing. I then tell those mothers, I'm so sorry. You have a lot of power and you're doing amazing and your presence is important, but you need help. So enroll in the Boys and Girls Club, Big Brothers and Big Sisters. Find him a big brother, find him an uncle who is wise and willing to initiate him, who can talk to him about his wet dreams and his his body and what to do with all these impulses.

• 1:21:09Speaker 00

  Find help, you know, and that's why male elderly males would, and Scott Galloway talks about this, like adopt a boy, because boys are growing up unin- uninitiated, un-mentored. And un-mentored boys will get mentored by porn and the manosphere.

• 1:21:26Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:21:27Speaker 00

  The, and it's not the mother's fault, and I don't mean to make it so gendered, but. You know, can you talk to a girl about her menstruation? She, you can't because you've not been through that.

• 1:21:36Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:37Speaker 00

  So in the same way, and of course, mothers are doing an amazing job, but there's some things.

• 1:21:41Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:21:42Speaker 00

  A boy will respond to.

• 1:21:44Lewis Howes?

  Differently.

• 1:21:44Speaker 00

  From his own biological.

• 1:21:46Lewis Howes?

  What is the differences between an initiation from boyhood to manhood and initiation from girlhood to womanhood?

• 1:21:55Speaker 00

  Yeah. Both of them are marked by a surge of hormones.

• 1:22:01Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 1:22:01Speaker 00

  Which means it feels out of control. It feels scary for the boy and the girl. The girl is growing breasts. She feels, you know, she's got all this weight on her. She's curvy, she's getting all this attention. I remember at eleven in India, you know, all this attention. And I'm like, I'm just a little girl. And my mother didn't fully know how to initiate me.

• 1:22:26Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 1:22:26Speaker 00

  Right? When I got my first period, I thought I was dying, right? I thought like either I had diarrhea attack with blood or I'm dying because no one told me.

• 1:22:34Lewis Howes?

  No one told you?

• 1:22:35Speaker 00

  No, because I was too young. I mean, no excuse.

• 1:22:37Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:38Speaker 00

  I, I prepared my daughter from the age of seven. Because I'm like, I'm taking no chances. No, but there's no harm.

• 1:22:43Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:44Speaker 00

  Because we don't know, it's puberty is younger and younger. So I felt out of control. I felt embarrassed. I wanted to ta- tape my breasts. I was growing too fast, too sexy, too this, too much attention. Nobody gave me the words, even though my mother was so lovely, she didn't give me the words for it. You're gonna get male attention. You will be groped by men after, every day I got groped.

• 1:23:05Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:23:06Speaker 00

  Nobody talked to me about it. I figured it out myself.

• 1:23:09Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:23:09Speaker 00

  And protected myself. I never spoke to it, about it to anybody.

• 1:23:13Lewis Howes?

  Oh.

• 1:23:14Speaker 00

  Yeah. Every day it was a battle on the streets of India. Yes. Grope, push, pull, pinched. Most Indian women are. I just learned to survive.

• 1:23:23Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 1:23:25Speaker 00

  But I was prey and I wish somebody had told me to protect myself.

• 1:23:30Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 1:23:30Speaker 00

  To kick, scream, fight. So I taught my daughter young, you will kick, you will bite, you will scream, you will punish, you will do anything. You're not to be a good girl. So most girls are raised as good girls. So that's another thing you can teach your daughter. No.

• 1:23:46Lewis Howes?

  What should I say?

• 1:23:46Speaker 00

  You don't want a good girl.

• 1:23:47Lewis Howes?

  What or what?

• 1:23:48Speaker 00

  Stay away from that word.

• 1:23:49Lewis Howes?

  Don't say you're being a good girl?

• 1:23:51Speaker 00

  No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

• 1:23:52Lewis Howes?

  Never say that?

• 1:23:52Speaker 00

  No, no, no, no, no.

• 1:23:53Lewis Howes?

  You're such a good girl. No, don't say that. What should I say instead?

• 1:23:57Speaker 00

  No, just, just go, I want you to follow your heart. I don't want you to follow me. Follow your heart.

• 1:24:03Lewis Howes?

  What if they want to follow me?

• 1:24:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. But is it what you want? You're always taking her back to her voice because that's authenticity. You don't want, of course, we all want the good girl and the good boy, but you try, you try, especially for the girl.

• 1:24:16Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:16Speaker 00

  Because I grew up and most women, I'm sure your, your wife too, grew up with the mantle of good girl syndrome. And being the parentified daughter, I handled everybody's emotions in my family.

• 1:24:27Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:28Speaker 00

  I was the emotional cheerleader, the emotional blanket, the emotional janitor. I was my, anything wrong, go, I was the one. And most empathic, caring girls, so you don't want to claim that.

• 1:24:41Lewis Howes?

  How should I communicate if they do an action that I think is a good action?

• 1:24:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:24:46Lewis Howes?

  What do I respond to that action?

• 1:24:48Speaker 00

  That was so kind of you, but are you sure you're being kind to yourself too? Or, or that was so kind, I would like to do something kind for you. So we want kindness, but we don't want blanket compliance, obedience, civility.

• 1:25:02Lewis Howes?

  And what if it's around, um, performance or like, oh, you did a good job of playing that song or singing that or dancing? Like, how do you respond or communicate?

• 1:25:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:25:12Lewis Howes?

  Is it not around the job? Is it more around the effort?

• 1:25:15Speaker 00

  Yeah. How did it feel for you? Wow. You know? Like I've learned to become intentional about saying even small things like I'm proud of you. I slip up, but I try to.

• 1:25:26Lewis Howes?

  Of course.

• 1:25:27Speaker 00

  To like, wow, that that seems really hard to do.

• 1:25:31Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:25:32Speaker 00

  Like, was it hard? Or that's impressive.

• 1:25:34Lewis Howes?

  How did you feel about?

• 1:25:34Speaker 00

  How did you feel about it? Try to not.

• 1:25:37Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, of course.

• 1:25:37Speaker 00

  Right?

• 1:25:38Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:38Speaker 00

  But also, when you don't attach to your own accolades and you're an ordinary human being at home, they'll they'll realize that ordinary is okay.

• 1:25:47Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:48Speaker 00

  Right? If you're walking around narcissistically attached to your image, they'll pick up on that. If you have pictures of you everywhere, Louis the Great, then they're going to pick up on that.

• 1:25:57Lewis Howes?

  They take my photos down.

• 1:25:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, all winning all your trophies.

• 1:26:01Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:26:01Speaker 00

  Maybe you want to put them away.

• 1:26:02Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, of course.

• 1:26:03Speaker 00

  So the the good girl syndrome, the parentified daughter, these things all create in our daughters that sense of disconnection, that they won't stay true to to themselves.

• 1:26:16Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 1:26:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, because they they learn they like the compliment more. My dad gets really happy when I'm extra nice and I give up my food for the sister.

• 1:26:27Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 1:26:28Speaker 00

  I get extra praise, right? So you have to be careful.

• 1:26:32Lewis Howes?

  Because then they would abandon themselves from what they really want.

• 1:26:35Speaker 00

  Right.

• 1:26:35Lewis Howes?

  Or what they really wanted to say or do, right?

• 1:26:37Speaker 00

  Right. So you have to call always try to keep them on track.

• 1:26:41Lewis Howes?

  So it's te- I I guess it's teaching them how to be of service to other people and like how to also contribute to society or your friends, your family and like be a giver.

• 1:26:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:26:51Lewis Howes?

  But not over give to get attention from someone.

• 1:26:54Speaker 00

  Right. Like every day, how did you serve your friends? But then you ask, how did you serve you?

• 1:27:00Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:27:01Speaker 00

  What is one thing you did for yourself today?

• 1:27:03Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:03Speaker 00

  That made you and only you, what did you do for you?

• 1:27:07Lewis Howes?

  That's cool.

• 1:27:07Speaker 00

  Right? And then what did you do for others, right?

• 1:27:10Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, that's cool.

• 1:27:10Speaker 00

  So we forget that part. Because we're so scared to create selfish children.

• 1:27:15Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 1:27:16Speaker 00

  But we we then mistake that for a lack of sovereignty. We're trying to create sovereign children who understand that they have a place at the table, especially girls, right? Girls need different messaging because we have been oppressed by the patriarchy. So much that we feel unworthy unless we have the approval.

• 1:27:37Lewis Howes?

  Of men.

• 1:27:38Speaker 00

  Mostly men, but of the system.

• 1:27:39Lewis Howes?

  Oh, really?

• 1:27:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, and the system is manipulating us for our image. Then one of the most money making industries is the cosmetic industry. It's a bazillion dollar industry.

• 1:27:52Lewis Howes?

  I try to remind my my wife, like, I like her without makeup.

• 1:27:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:27:56Lewis Howes?

  Almost every day.

• 1:27:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:27:57Lewis Howes?

  Like, I think you look better without makeup.

• 1:27:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:27:59Lewis Howes?

  And it's true. I like I when I first met her, she didn't have makeup on. And I was like, stay like this always. I like this look, you know?

• 1:28:06Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 1:28:07Lewis Howes?

  And I'm not saying you can't have it, and she's an actress, so she wears makeup at times, but I I really love natural beauty. And I love the idea of not putting your value in appearance only. I'm not saying you can't look good every day and you can have makeup. But make sure you don't have to have that to love and accept yourself. I think it's important.

• 1:28:32Speaker 00

  But just you saying that is so freeing for her because we've been given the image that we need to like turn it up, you know, at all times, otherwise we will lose our partner's attraction.

• 1:28:45Lewis Howes?

  So interesting you say that because I posted a video this last weekend where I showed myself and Martha, you know, like in the morning, walking outside and she wasn't wearing makeup. It was just for like a half, like a second, maybe, or I showed her. And some woman left a comment. I saw this in the comments. Some woman said, I'm amazed that she's not wearing makeup where for twenty five years of my marriage, I'd never let my husband see me without makeup. And I thought to myself, that seems exhausting.

• 1:29:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:29:13Lewis Howes?

  That sounds exhausting. I guess I see like, okay, you're trying to look good for your husband and.

• 1:29:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:29:19Lewis Howes?

  But it sounds exhausting for the woman to have to always be wearing makeup to feel.

• 1:29:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:29:25Lewis Howes?

  She's turned on for the man or something.

• 1:29:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, you will have the biggest shock watching your daughters.

• 1:29:31Lewis Howes?

  I don't want them to wear.

• 1:29:31Speaker 00

  Fall into the market.

• 1:29:33Lewis Howes?

  Want them to wear that stuff.

• 1:29:34Speaker 00

  You're going to have to understand when they fall into it because the the. Tsunami of pressure a girl feels as young as seven and eight to to belong. And because her sense of self comes from validation and approval. She will be in the system and used by the system to make money, to to create this.

• 1:29:58Lewis Howes?

  Buy products.

• 1:29:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, because it's a multi bazillion dollar industry.

• 1:30:01Lewis Howes?

  How do I raise my daughters then to not buy into the system of makeup and beauty products and?

• 1:30:06Speaker 00

  Well, a large part is how you are with your wife. So you telling her in front of them, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't put the lipstick. You look so much better without it, right? And she living that way, ordinary at home and and going out, feeling proud of herself and reserving the real dress up for.

• 1:30:25Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, work or like whatever, yeah.

• 1:30:27Speaker 00

  Yes, and not letting her children fall into the designer brands and the expensive clothes and and and keeping it toned down will at least delay it. It will it will not appease it. We will, we all have fallen into it, me included till today. But I can watch it, I can pick what I want from it and play with it. But it will happen, it's it's an avalanche coming at your daughters about how she looks. How she looks will be more important to her or how others perceive her will be more important to her than how she perceives herself and her intelligence, her talents, her success, her achievements. All of them will be drowned under the noise of how others perceive how she looks.

• 1:31:09Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 1:31:09Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:31:11Lewis Howes?

  Gosh, this seems exhausting.

• 1:31:12Speaker 00

  But we have to have sensitivity for it and compassion for it and combat it. Combat it with the antidote message, which really comes from the mother and how the father treats the mother.

• 1:31:24Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 1:31:24Speaker 00

  In terms of beauty and appearance. So if you're like, you you know, your wife dresses up and she's all hot and you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, let me take a picture. Now you've put so much focus on that.

• 1:31:35Lewis Howes?

  But if she's in sweats and no makeup.

• 1:31:37Speaker 00

  Ignoring her, but imagine if you said.

• 1:31:38Lewis Howes?

  Oh, I love you like this, this is even better.

• 1:31:40Speaker 00

  Yes, I like that you haven't cared about your hair. I like that you're so brave to be natural beauty. If the words natural beauty are used in your house over and over and over again, you're gonna do good.

• 1:31:52Lewis Howes?

  That's what I've been doing already, so I I already do that.

• 1:31:54Speaker 00

  That's an amazing message, natural beauty. I want your natural self, you know? So when your daughter gets ready for a dance competition and she gets all, you know, with glitter and bubbles and. You can say, wow, that's, that's really not even half as good as your natural beauty. Instead of like, oh, you look so cute. Trying to be an adult, you know, and over-sexualize. You know, look at these competitions. These toddlers and tiaras, look at these pageants, look at these dance competitions. I mean, no knock, but it's an over-sexualization of our girls. Why do they need to dress up like that? In these cute little outfits, because it's an industry. It's commercial. So you will see, you know, I call it the parental industrial complex.

• 1:32:39Speaker 00

  You are now part of it. Things that will come to your children in the name of good parenting. You will begin feeling guilty because everyone in the neighborhood has signed up for the pageant and everyone in the neighborhood is going for the competition. And you're just, you're like, wow. Childhood is the biggest money racketeering business. Because they know that the parent is so vulnerable, because you have such a big ego. They know we have such a big ego. So they're like, oh, let me start putting out studies that children who don't play fourteen languages are not going to get into an Ivy League. Now all the parents are scrambling, oh my god, they only know three languages. Or fourteen instruments, or go, go, go study abroad, right? Look at the application process to an Ivy League.

• 1:33:22Speaker 00

  You have to do pre, pre, pre, pre-college courses called AP courses in eighth grade. Money-making, right? You have to go and volunteer somewhere, money-making. So everyone's making money of the parent's vulnerability that my kid will be left behind. So they play right into your ego because you don't want a kid to be left behind. You don't want an ordinary kid. Remember, we didn't have a kid for an ordinary kid. So from that moment on, you and your child are in the pipeline of the biggest money racketeering business ever.

• 1:33:53Lewis Howes?

  Oh my gosh.

• 1:33:55Lewis Howes?

  Oh my gosh.

• 1:33:55Speaker 00

  And then when your child comes to you and says, at twelve, all my friends are having a Sephora party and the birthday is at Sephora.

• 1:34:03Lewis Howes?

  And give me your credit card.

• 1:34:04Speaker 00

  And give me your credit card, daddy, please, I'll be the only one. Everyone is going.

• 1:34:10Lewis Howes?

  I was coming here to be inspired, but I feel like doomed now.

• 1:34:16Speaker 00

  That's why you have to read these books, because I've given you the antidote. Because it is dismal, I'm not going to sugarcoat it. But I don't just create the anxiety. I've given you some tools, but you have to apply the tools. But if you don't know the avalanche coming, how will you prepare?

• 1:34:31Lewis Howes?

  You gotta prepare for it. I mean.

• 1:34:34Lewis Howes?

  If you were having kids again today, you know, and new kids were coming into the world today.

• 1:34:42Speaker 00

  I I know what I would do.

• 1:34:44Lewis Howes?

  What would you do?

• 1:34:44Speaker 00

  Yeah. Oh, my goodness.

• 1:34:45Lewis Howes?

  Would you take, would you put them in public school, private school, homeschool? Would you like, what would be the path?

• 1:34:50Speaker 00

  Well, first, if I had kids again, say, okay, okay.

• 1:34:53Lewis Howes?

  Let's say you have kids, yes.

• 1:34:54Speaker 00

  I had amnesia and I had kids again.

• 1:34:58Lewis Howes?

  You have kids born today, what do you do?

• 1:35:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, the ideal setup, okay? Ideally, I will try to homeschool.

• 1:35:07Speaker 00

  I will try to live in a community. I will try to live near as many conscious parents. I will join Dr. Shefali's Conscious Institute, read all her books. I will not give in to a phone till they are 21, which is insane, so I know that, but at least till they're older and bigger than me and they bully me out of it. I will create more simplicity in my own life, so I am more present. I will not be afraid to create boundaries and create friction and allow them to struggle.

• 1:35:46Speaker 00

  I will not project my insecurities of greatness and wanting them to belong. I will be braver in allowing them to be against the matrix. I will be badass in teaching them to fight the system. I'd be more aware of how the system manipulates me. I wasn't aware, you know, when my daughter got the phone from me at 13, that was the first generation of children, we were the first guinea pig parents. I was like, here, take it. I thought I'm giving her candy. I did not know I was giving her crack.

• 1:36:22Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:36:23Speaker 00

  I was fooled. I was innocent. I was gullible.

• 1:36:27Lewis Howes?

  All of her friends who had a phone.

• 1:36:28Speaker 00

  I thought I was a good parent.

• 1:36:30Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:36:30Speaker 00

  I thought I was opening her to the world. How bad could it be?

• 1:36:33Lewis Howes?

  It went to give it for a year, it's almost impossible to take it away.

• 1:36:36Speaker 00

  And back then, it wasn't sophisticated.

• 1:36:37Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:36:38Speaker 00

  But now it's. Now it is, so we didn't know.

• 1:36:40Lewis Howes?

  We still knew, like, social media wasn't as addictive. Now it's like.

• 1:36:44Speaker 00

  Yeah. And I will understand that raising a child today takes learning the skills. I will not presume just because I meditate or just because I've taken a few psychology courses, I'm a conscious parent. I will have the humility to learn conscious parenting. I will learn it. I will go to school. I will get a degree in conscious parenting. I mean, it is a skill. I wish I could be a parent today all over with the skills I now have. I didn't have the skills because no one was teaching this as a skill-based mandate.

• 1:37:21Lewis Howes?

  For all parents.

• 1:37:21Speaker 00

  For all parents. Think about it, Lois. You could become a parent to two or three. Nobody would stop you. No one checks on your mental health, no license, no aftercare supervision. You have no supervision. No one's coming to check in on you.

• 1:37:35Lewis Howes?

  Make sure you're doing a good job.

• 1:37:36Speaker 00

  No one has asked you if you have drugs in the house. No one has asked you if you've taken a parenting course. How are you allowed to have a child? When my dog groomer has a license for six months to cut nails and cut hair.

• 1:37:48Lewis Howes?

  We don't have a license to be a parent.

• 1:37:50Speaker 00

  Nothing. There needs to be a mandate.

• 1:37:52Lewis Howes?

  There should be a course.

• 1:37:53Speaker 00

  A mandatory course.

• 1:37:54Lewis Howes?

  Why isn't there?

• 1:37:54Speaker 00

  Yes. Children should not be released by the doctor back home until they do a course. I'm not saying don't have children. You can get pregnant because people will say it's my body.

• 1:38:06Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:38:07Speaker 00

  But then I will not release this child to you until I know you are.

• 1:38:10Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it should be a responsibility.

• 1:38:12Speaker 00

  But then the state needs to take over the children because all of them will stay with the state.

• 1:38:15Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:38:16Speaker 00

  And the state is no better. I'm just saying.

• 1:38:17Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, of course. Yeah. In a perfect world, having some type of education or training because no one's trained to be a parent unless you've modeled it from your parents. But then even then.

• 1:38:26Speaker 00

  But can I just say something? Look at the state of our world that we're not thinking about this.

• 1:38:32Lewis Howes?

  No.

• 1:38:32Speaker 00

  We're not thinking about this because somewhere in our holy books. And because it's biological, we have preordained it to a destiny. Like, it's my destiny to be a parent, so no one can tell me. That is true, but we're not living with our tribes anymore, where the elders could help us.

• 1:38:51Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:38:52Speaker 00

  I'm not living with my auntie who could tell me, listen, I know, back, you go away, I'll handle the toddler.

• 1:38:57Lewis Howes?

  I'll watch them.

• 1:38:57Speaker 00

  I'll wa- I I know how to manage a toddler, I've done this. Now, the the poor twenty-five-year-old or thirty-five-year-old is alone with the twins, no skills, harried, exhausted, digitally overwhelmed, no one to help them. And the state or the government has not helped parents because children are not valued.

• 1:39:18Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 1:39:18Speaker 00

  Children are not protected, Louis. Children are a business.

• 1:39:23Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 1:39:23Speaker 00

  They're commodified by the parent and by culture.

• 1:39:27Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:39:27Speaker 00

  Nobody treats sovereignty of the child as something real. I mean, you are seeing with all what's come out in the world of late, where children are trafficked, and I'm sorry to talk about it, but it must be talked about.

• 1:39:39Lewis Howes?

  No, of course.

• 1:39:40Speaker 00

  Children are being trafficked.

• 1:39:41Lewis Howes?

  Millions of kids.

• 1:39:42Speaker 00

  Milli- right now.

• 1:39:43Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:39:44Speaker 00

  There are children being trafficked. Why? Because they're vulnerable. Vulnerable to whom? To the adult ego. And if we parents don't cry about it, why would the money makers cry about it? So, we have to do it, but in our own home, we treat our children as objects, as puppets.

• 1:40:05Lewis Howes?

  My gosh.

• 1:40:06Speaker 00

  Right? The the biggest sexual abuse happens in the home.

• 1:40:10Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 1:40:10Speaker 00

  But even forget sexual abuse, even just kissing grandma, I'm like, I'll just be happy if you can check that ego. Don't even force your kid to kiss grandma, I'm just talking about that level.

• 1:40:20Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:40:20Speaker 00

  Or don't push your kid to do something against their intrinsic.

• 1:40:24Lewis Howes?

  What feels good, what feels right, like, ah, I don't wanna do that.

• 1:40:27Speaker 00

  Right, but we bypass that, and we do it because we were bypassed.

• 1:40:31Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 1:40:32Speaker 00

  So, we live in a culture of constant bypassing of the authentic self and the sovereign self. So, that's why I work with parents, because if the parent is not awakened, there's no chance in hell they will raise awakened children. There's no chance.

• 1:40:50Speaker 00

  But we need to not only talk about our own children, we need to talk about children systemically. What is happening in our world? And how we are, the toxic patriarchy with the help of women are sacrificing children. Those children are mother, children of mothers who gave them away too.

• 1:41:08Lewis Howes?

  Oh my gosh.

• 1:41:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, it, it, we need to advocate for children.

• 1:41:14Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:41:14Speaker 00

  So the reason I wrote books eight and nine on parenting is because we need to wake up and do differently for our children.

• 1:41:23Lewis Howes?

  Well, this is coming at the perfect time for me, and I want everyone to get your books, Raising Conscious Daughters, Raising Conscious Sons. Uh, and you also have program online, if they go to DrShefali.com, you'll have a information on raising conscious daughters and sons where they can get more training, courses, curriculum, which should be mandatory in my mind, or at least highly, um, you know, encouraged to go through and at least get the book for yourself, get it for a friend. If you have, uh, new parents in your life, friends in your life, give them a copy as well, it'd be a great gift. I can't think of the, a greater investment you can give in yourself as a parent to learn

• 1:42:05Lewis Howes?

  how to continue to heal, to, to invest in your, the relationship you have with your spouse, and to invest in the relationship you're building with your kids. And so you're teaching all that in your books.

• 1:42:19Speaker 00

  And my podcast, if parents want to tune in, I work with parents every episode.

• 1:42:25Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:42:25Speaker 00

  So parents come with real life struggles and I help them.

• 1:42:29Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:42:29Speaker 00

  Right, I try to stay away from the celebrity angle and just work with real average problems that parents suffer from. And I give them free advice, so that's for free.

• 1:42:39Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:42:39Speaker 00

  Right, I have so many courses for free. I created an institute to train conscious parents, because there is no school we can go to. So like you said, there is no greater investment.

• 1:42:50Lewis Howes?

  Yes. The institute, what is that? Is it an online program?

• 1:42:53Speaker 00

  Yes, it's a five-month journey I've created that teaches you to become a conscious parent and then help other parents. So I have a global movement now of over fifteen hundred coaches all over the world who are doing this work.

• 1:43:07Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:43:08Speaker 00

  Not only in their own lives and breaking generational patterns. But also teaching other parents and taking this message out into the world.

• 1:43:15Lewis Howes?

  That's cool. I recommend that. Where can people get that? Just Dr.

• 1:43:19Speaker 00

  All on my website, yes.

• 1:43:21Lewis Howes?

  Podcasts, courses, the books. Make sure you guys get a few copies. Social media, you're everywhere, Dr. Shefali as well. Here's a question for you. I've asked you, you've been on this your third time on the show, right? And I've asked you this question before about the three truths. I'm curious if you could share the three truths around parenting. With all your work and courses and institutes and podcasts, if you could only share three truths around how to be the best or the most conscious parent possible, what would those three truths be around parenting? What would those three things be?

• 1:43:57Speaker 00

  That your children are not your canvas, your puppet, your trinket, your trophy, your ambassador, your representation. Your children are here to live their own destiny as sovereign beings. And you are lucky that you get to usher them, number one. Number two, the best parenting and the best parent you can be is when you parent yourself. So conscious parenting is parenting yourself. So you don't put your garbage on your children.

• 1:44:28Lewis Howes?

  That's right.

• 1:44:29Speaker 00

  So you have to take that very seriously. If you choose to become a parent, make sure you know how to parent yourself. So go to courses, learn how to parent yourself, because that's who you need to first parent. And then the third thing is do not use your children to fulfill your ideals of greatness. You have to find that within yourself.

• 1:44:49Lewis Howes?

  Those are beautiful. And speaking of kind of parenting yourself, how important is it for every adult to heal their inner child?

• 1:44:57Speaker 00

  It is the most important thing you can do. Your inner child is in the driver's seat 90% of unscripted time.

• 1:45:04Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 1:45:05Speaker 00

  So the inner child is everywhere and understanding your inner child, but not just your inner child. The inner child is the driver, but the one who's actually steering the ship is your ego. Right? So your ego is how it takes care of the inner child. So if I'm scared today to come to Lewis's podcast, my inner child is like, oh my god, I'm gonna fail. I don't know anything. I don't. My ego could come, I'm just giving examples, could come dressed like, I don't know, like a peacock, a peahen, beautiful, because I'm covering up that insecurity. My ego could could give you ten thousand dollars so you like me more and a big cake and and I could compliment you so you could like me.

• 1:45:48Speaker 00

  My ego could say to your assistant, you know, let me do these things for you and become a pleaser and a fixer for her so she can like me so I can have a better. So the ego will do all these strategies to help my inner child, but that's happening all day long to the point that it's a set system now. Our ego is in place. The ego knows how to do it. The ego is always protecting the inner child. So the real work is not so much the ego. The real work is the pain of that little girl who need or boy who needs success to feel good or needs validation to feel good. And that's the basis of all this work.

• 1:46:25Lewis Howes?

  For those listening or watching who have their parents still alive, who feel like they didn't have, who are still, they feel like they're emotionally unavailable or they're immature or they're whatever. How can adults who have

• 1:46:43Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:46:43Lewis Howes?

  Parents?

• 1:46:44Speaker 00

  Yes. I have a whole theory.

• 1:46:46Lewis Howes?

  Navigate this. Yes.

• 1:46:48Speaker 00

  So first, I totally validate the pain adults have felt in their childhood. This is the basis of my work. There is pain.

• 1:46:59Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:46:59Speaker 00

  I validate you.

• 1:47:00Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:47:00Speaker 00

  However, I do say that after the age of eighteen, then I say, okay, thirty-two, I give you another twelve years. You have to take accountability for your life and take that power away of waiting for your parent to heal or continued resentment. Now, there's this whole big field of, you know, separation from the parents and and creating that line.

• 1:47:34Speaker 00

  I support that if it's done in peace. If you're going to separate, but you're still in turmoil and bubbling and still carrying resentment.

• 1:47:44Lewis Howes?

  It's not good.

• 1:47:45Speaker 00

  Good, you have physical space, but you haven't yet done the work.

• 1:47:47Lewis Howes?

  You've been healed.

• 1:47:48Speaker 00

  You haven't healed. And if you stay, but you're still bubbling and resent, it doesn't.

• 1:47:52Lewis Howes?

  You haven't healed.

• 1:47:52Speaker 00

  So the physical is just a proxy for the first step. Ultimately, we all had a rough hand in some way.

• 1:48:00Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:48:00Speaker 00

  In childhood.

• 1:48:01Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:48:02Speaker 00

  It's a crapshoot. Somebody grew up with the fundamentalist, somebody grew up with the sexual abuser. I'm not minimizing.

• 1:48:08Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:48:08Speaker 00

  It's tough.

• 1:48:09Lewis Howes?

  Everyone has some type of trauma.

• 1:48:11Speaker 00

  Yes, some had big T.

• 1:48:12Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:48:13Speaker 00

  So yes, I give compassion, but at some point in life, you got to release your parents from your own subjugation. You are the one subjugating yourself by thinking that they should. Well, they didn't because they didn't have the skills. They were traumatized, they were empty, they were void. So I'm so sorry that you experienced that. Now let's heal that, but you have to learn to reparent yourself.

• 1:48:37Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:48:37Speaker 00

  And then you take the power back. And then actually, what I've seen is you have great compassion.

• 1:48:42Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:48:43Speaker 00

  For your perpetrator. Doesn't mean you have to talk to them. Doesn't mean you have to allow them back in your life, but you begin to understand with perspective that they came from pain.

• 1:48:53Lewis Howes?

  This is powerful. I'm really grateful for you, Dr. Shefali, because it's coming a time where I feel like I need to hear this information even more. And so I'm excited to dive in deeper in the books. I want everyone to get a copy, get a few for your friends. And it's just a great reminder that especially if you're a parent to new kids,

• 1:49:13Lewis Howes?

  what's coming is scary if you're not prepared for it.

• 1:49:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:49:17Lewis Howes?

  And I don't think it needs to be scary if you follow child this blueprint and what you talk about in your books. I think you can have an incredibly fun, free life with your kids with this structure in mind.

• 1:49:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:49:32Lewis Howes?

  But if you don't have this, it's going to be extremely scary.

• 1:49:35Speaker 00

  It's going to be hard. So the books are on pre-sale and if you go to my website, I'm doing two masterclasses where I train you in the content. So I encourage people, if they order the books, they can join the masterclass.

• 1:49:47Lewis Howes?

  For free, masterclass.

• 1:49:48Speaker 00

  For free.

• 1:49:49Lewis Howes?

  It's amazing. Drshafali.com for that. You'll see it on the website right there. So get the books on Amazon or wherever you want to get your book, preorder it, and then you can go there for the masterclass. Final question, Dr. Shefali, what's your definition of being a great parent?

• 1:50:05Speaker 00

  Being a humble parent and knowing that I am never going to be perfect. And that is okay.

• 1:50:16Lewis Howes?

  Well, thank you so much. Appreciate you.

• 1:50:18Speaker 00

  Thank you. Thank you.

• 1:50:19Lewis Howes?

  Powerful. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you, if no one has told you lately, that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And

• 1:51:04Lewis Howes?

  now it's time to go out there and do something great.